#meds won't do shit if i can't live my life like i want to live it

[vamptastic]

getting sick of the antipsych crowd. yeah lemme just dismantle capitalism to make all my problems go away. unmedicated.

[glitteronadumpsterfire]

I want to make plushies HOW DO I MAKE PLUSHIES

[aloesarchives]

Tags/Warnings: Fem!Reader/Pronouns, Swearing, Gojo has a hard crush on you, Gojo vs Toji Part 3, The word ass being used, Toji straight up having beef and fighting a bunch of teenagers, Nicknames such as beloved and hon(ney), JJK OCs, Out of pocket moments and sayings, Me being an annoying narrator

[Semi-proofread, informal formatting, and edited as of 12/22/2023 10:18am CST]

Summary: One of the truths behind Toji's beef with Gojo

Word count: 2.8k words

(A/N: I spent 10pm-6am writing this because I just need to or I would never forgive myself if I didn't! I promise I will have some of the "Toji lives" AU posts ready by next week because your girl got her ADHD meds back in stock!! Thank you for being patient with me and my inconsistent updates!!) (12/22/2023 6:05am CST)

💙I love you all! 💙🥰😚💙

💙❤️Please Enjoy!!!💙❤️

The REAL reason Toji has major beef with Gojo is because Gojo had a crush on you during his high school days when you would sub for Yaga in the classroom and training sessions. He did try his best to keep it under wraps but Geto was like,

"Bro, she's the same age as Yaga-sensei. . . Stop reaching, Satoru. . . Do I need to remind you who (L/N)-sama is married to again?"

The Gojo responded with, "Suguru, I don't give a shit about that loser. He's a bum, anyway. The question you should be asking is why (L/N)-dono is fucking married and still in-love to a deadbeat like him. I would have been a better option. Face it Suguru, I'm right."

While Satoru has a point, as Suguru noted, it doesn't change the fact that Satoru was crushing on a MARRIED woman who had TWO kids.

Though it was true, Satoru would have technically been a good husband/father/lover. However, there are many reasons why it must be ruled out.

Satoru is over half your age. Picking him meant allegations and a prison cell. Gojo tried reasoning with you, "But (Y/N)-dono! Age is just a number, give me two years!" "And Prison is just a place, Satoru-kun. I don't want to be labeled as a child predator, let alone be framed for "seDuCinG" the Gojo heir. I want to have a clean record."

While his personality brought you happiness, his carefree nature would clash a lot with you. He can mature but his child-like spirit and carefree persona isn't something you would personally deal with.

He was more of your protégé/junior/student if anything. You saw him more as your son and acted like a parental figure. You wanted to watch him grow and mature. Not become his lover.

To spite the higher-ups and Jujutsu elders(excluding your clan). Given you were a powerful and skillful sorcerer, marrying Gojo would be "BeNeFiCiaL" to Jujutsu society. However, it meant that you were on a watchlist 24/7 and pressured to have an HeIR. It made you physically sick and ill thinking what those old useless dementia white-haired cowards are allow to do that just to better "society" but not its citizens.

You are MARRIED to a man who is trying to step up after his major fuck ups. It's not perfect but Toji is his best trying after you gave him his life and freedom. Since he technically can't leave your home or go to Jujutsu High without your supervision, he's basically househusband duty. And he was getting pretty damn good at it too. Plus Toji's hot, he got you feral and gnawing at your teeth with his signature smile and smirk. And the way his arms flex when he crosses them, or how they feel when you link arms together.

While it wasn't super obvious, okay it was obvious, you always shot down Satoru's playful confessions and light-hearted shenanigans. Basically rejecting him every time. Usually, Suguru would warn you in advance but you know it would happen with each interactions. While you firmly turned him down, you made him understand why it can't and WON'T happen. You still care for him, just never romantically, only platonically and motherly. You made it clear that his "love" for you was just a strong admiration and infatuation disguised as a crush.

Though he was heartbroken, at first. Satoru slowly understand what you mean and his crush slowly fades away as it's replaced with immense respect for you.

HOWEVER, it still linger and not widely known because Toji finally gets word of this through the grapevine. A.K.A, through his two children Megumi and Tsumiki. It happened one day when you brought the two to the school so you can keep a close eye on them since they didn't have school that day. Toji was out doing errands so the two kids are accompanying you. Megumi and Tsumiki were occupied with their books and toys while you taught and trained the students. Megumi and Tsumiki went to find you because they were hungry and you had their lunches. As they looked for you, they see you talking to Satoru. They meet him a couple of times but he's still a stranger to them compared to Shoko or Suguru. So when they see Gojo with you, all alone with no one around, they thought it was major sus.

As they snuck closer, they could hear bit and pieces of what Gojo is saying to you. Megumi lowkey thinks Gojo is super annoying and acts more of a child then he does. But what catches his ears first was something with along the lines of, "(L/N)-dono, please consider it-" "Satoru-kun, how many time will I need to say no to you? You know I can never feel for you that way. Plus it's bad for me to agree to it. You know that it's admiration and infatuation if anything. Not love."

See Megumi knows you only use love as in 'I love you" to him, his sister, and his dad. But to this dude? Nah, something fishy is going on and Megumi gotta tell his dad about it. Megumi comes running, yelling "Mommy!!!". You and Satoru turn to see your son running to you and colliding with your legs. You crouch down and pat your son's head and smile at your daughter following behind him. Megumi hands your hand tightly as you lead them away to have lunch with your kids. Satoru made a face at Megumi when he saw the kid glare at him.

Once you three made it home, you're in the bathroom changing into some home clothes. Meanwhile, Toji was cooking dinner while Megumi and Tsumiki were waiting for you at the dinner table. As Toji was asking them about their day with you, Megumi brought up Gojo's advances and confession towards you. When Megumi said this, the beef Toji was about to flip plopped right back onto the pan. He looks back at Megumi and asks if there's anything else that he can share. As Megumi shares what he has seen through his perspective, Toji asks Tsumiki to confirm is this is all true, to which she said yes, backing up Megumi's claims.

"Yeah, Papa. Satoru-kun is weird. Even though Mama keeps saying she's married to you, he still does it. Tsumiki saw it too."

"I see... Thank you, Megumi and Tsumiki for watching and taking care of Mama for me. I appreciate it a lot. Can you tell her that dinner is almost ready?"

The kids nodded and went to go get you. After dinner and putting the kids to bed, you were sipping your favorite drink as Toji is doing the dishes. You would have helped him but he said no. While you two were talking, he brings up Satoru and his school crush on you.

"Toji, beloved, you know that it's just a small crush. It's nothing more then puppy love for me. Nothing more and nothing less. And you know that you're the only man that I am willing to give my heart to."

"I know that, (Y/N). But what does this brat got on me to think he's a better match for you? Just because this kid is practically a god doesn't mean everyone will bow down to him. I'm definitely not one of them. And to know that said brat is flirting with you even though you're visibly married with kids, he needs to read the room. I will be going with you to school tomorrow. The kids go back to school the next day, and I already got this week's groceries and cleaned the house."

You would have protested if Toji didn't give you a searing kiss while caging you in his arms. Fuck he looked so hot. Curse him and his good looks *punching the air*.

"Fine, you can come. BUT, Toji you need to behavior yourself. You already knew the deal. You better not be doing any funny business."

"Yes, Ma'am. You're the boss, I promise you." Toji says as he gave you a kiss on the cheek before lightly patting your ass.

After dropping the kids off, Toji accompanies you to the school. Toji is just silent and sits in one of the chairs as you do your lessons. Toji is leaning on the chair with a smirk plastered on his face. Not a care in the world. After a few lessons, you were going to teach and train Gojo, Geto, and Shoko for the rest of the school day. As you went to their classroom, they greet you, especially Gojo. However, the mood changed when they saw Toji walk in behind you, wearing nothing but a black slim fit t-shirt and grey sweatpants. Toji gave a head nod to the teens while he just takes a seat in a chair to lean on it. The three were shock to see him.

Particularly because they did expect him to come with you to the school at all. Suguru had an idea but he hoped it wasn't going to be it. After teaching a lesson, you told the three to practice their curse techniques and let their curse energy loose. While doing so, you told them that you would have to speak to Yaga for a bit on something and would be back 15 minutes tops. You told Toji to behave, and he nodded and gave a thumbs up. As you leave the kids and your husband on the train grounds, that's when the storm started brewing. Toji walks up to Gojo and is 3 feet from him. He smirks while looking at him up and down, sizing him up. Shoko and Suguru are on the sidelines as Toji, a married adult male in his 30s, was beefing with a 16 year old high school student.

Suguru: "Satoru, I don't think this is a good idea-"

Satoru: "Hush now, Suguru. . . It's my time to shine. . . Watch the master at work."

Suguru proceeds to roll his eyes but becomes a little weary after his last encounter with Toji was. . . unideal. Given one of their teachers was shot in the throat by Toji saving Anamai, and himself getting injured. It wasn't something he wanted to constantly get reminded of. But ever since you liberated Toji from the higher ups and explained it to your students, Suguru has slowly been changing his views on Toji. It will take a while but it's getting there. Anyhow, Suguru told Shoko to book it once the two were going to throw down.

Satoru: "So, what brings you back here, Toji~? You just couldn't get me out of that little mind of yours~? You're mad I'm 1-0 with you?"

Toji: "Kid, I'm pretty sure that it's 1-1 since I won our first battle. Anyway, I heard through the grapevine that you gave (Y/N) a love confession. Don't you know it's bad to confess and hit on a married woman who has kids? Were you taught any manners? Then again, by the way you act, you probably have none."

Satoru: "You're just mad, Old Man. That I, Satoru Gojo, would treat (Y/N)-dono better and treat her worth. Face it, Old Man. I'm a better match for her than you'll ever be."

Toji: "Like she ever goes for someone half her age, Brat. Plus, you'll never look at you as a lover ever. You're more of a son to her and that's the closest you'll get."

Satoru: "Well, she doesn't need a bum like you around. Imagine fighting a bunch of teens and getting your ass beat by said teens. Skill issue if you ask me."

Toji: "Watch your tongue, Boy. Remember who made you struggle for the first time in your life and actually killed you. While, you know, fucking up your best friend, the second strongest sorcerer, with no curse energy? I got your ass with no gifts other than being a superhuman with weapons. You can never beat me, I'm just built different, Kid."

Satoru: "You wanna test that, Toji~? You got no curse weapons with you. I can pack you up like you're a school lunch."

Toji: "Kid, please. I don't need any weapons to beat you, let alone kill you. You see this? This is a rock, and I can use it to beat you. I also still have my hands too. And I am more then willing to give it to you, Gojo~kun."

Satoru: "You think I'm scared of someone like you? I've ascended, enlighten if you will. If you even know what that word is. Throughout Heaven and Earth, I alone am the honored one. Remember those words, Fushiguro-san? Remember them good because I will put you six feet underground."

Toji: "I see then, Kid. . . So you're playing God? I guess that makes me a God Slayer then. . . Prepare yourself, Kid. . ."

Satoru: "Alright, bet then, Bozo."

Thus, Gojo and Toji started to go at each other for round 3. Shoko was already gone and the two started fighting in the training grounds. Five minutes have already passed and they have made five decently sized craters. Just as both of them were about to throw a punch at each other, they suddenly felt a powerful presence which halted them. They turn to you walking towards them with a furious face unimaginable.

"GOJO SATORU AND TOJI (L/N) FUSHIGURO!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!?! I LEAVE FOR LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR AND I GET CALLED BACK BECAUSE OF THIS!?!?"

"(Y/N)-dono!!"

"(Y/N)!"

You moved like a blur and appeared next to them vice gripping their forearms tightly. You dragged them to the nearest empty classroom you can find or any room. You were just so livid that you didn't hear Gojo whining about your grip and asking to let you go like a child. As you let them go once you dragged them far enough, you smacked both of them hard on the head. Shoko and Gojo were watching this as Yaga appeared right next to them shortly. It was interesting seeing two of the most broken people in the world kneeling with their heads down in-front of a woman who doesn't have god-like abilities.

"GOJO, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING BOTH OF YOUR ABILITIES DURING TRAINING SESSIONS!?!? YOU KNOW THE CALAMITY AND DAMAGE YOU COULD'VE CAUSED!?"

"BUT (Y/N)-dono! He-"

"NO BUTS, GOJO!! AND YOU, TOJI, I LITERALLY JUST SAID NO FUNNY BUSINESS AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO CREATE THE NEXT SECOND COMING OF CHRIST. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER RAPTURE HERE. I'M STILL DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH FROM THE TWO OF YOU AS IT IS!!!"

"Okay, Hon. I take full responsibility for my actions today."

"YOU BETTER, TOJI!!! YOU'RE A FULL GROWN MARRIED MAN WITH TWO KIDS!!!"

"But (Y/N)-dono, I was not going to kill him last time-"

"NO ONES DYING HERE!!! NEITHER OF YOU WILL NOT DIE AS LONG AS I AM AROUND. I WON'T LET THE BOTH OF YOU KILL EACH OTHER OVER SOME PETTINESS AND A BOY CRUSH."

You start to calm down but you are still firm with them.

"I know this started because of Satoru's crush on me. . . Satoru, I will not love you romantically and date you. Please understand that. I care for you like family and that is said for the rest of you. Yes you, Suguru, Shoko, and Yaga. And Toji, I'm not leaving you for a child. I would be in jail and not working here. . . Geez, I saw this from a mile away but never expected this to happen. Now, you two better behave yourselves or else. You two don't have to say sorry or anything like of the sort. Just don't go tearing at each other's throats when I both am and am not around. Please, for me. . ."

The two looked at each other before saying a soft yeah. After that, Yaga told you to go home early and he would take it from there. You had to patch up Toji a bit but it wasn't anything of concern. From then on, Toji and Gojo just banter and bicker with each other. It's funny to watch except for Megumi since he's seeing his dad beefing with his unofficial adoptive older brother 24/7.

Satoru eventually grows out of his crush for (Y/N) but Suguru and Shoko never let him down. Hell, it's a running gag in the school about Gojo's old crush on you. Gojo always gets super embarrassed about it, especially when you join in but it's all fun and games with you all.

The only person who genuinely hates it is Megumi because the thought of Gojo having romantic feelings for you and trying to woo you made Megumi visibly ill and sick to his core. He would lowkey help his dad beat up Gojo if Gojo's crush on you became serious again.

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💙Author's Notes💙: 💙I am truly grateful to each and everyone of you in showing me that my writing is enjoyable to read!!! I appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart for making my comeback worthwhile! I hate to sound giga cringe but every single one of you that likes, reblogs, and comments on my writing post make me want to continue writing because I know that there are people out there that like what I make.💙 💙So once again, I am truly grateful and feel appreciative that everyone single one of you enjoy what I have been writing. I hope you all stay healthy, drink your water/favorite drink, treat yourself kindly, and take a break because you earned it!💙🥰 ❄️💙💙Happy Holidays to all of you, my GOATS!!!💙💙❄️

[vtforpedro]

life update - long

It took me a hot minute to find the last update. December, I guess? I'm so tired I never stop being tired and time is not real anymore. Anyway. Disability Stuff: I won my case in federal court in February. They said it'd take a year so I was a little hm. Found out the SSA voluntarily asked the judge for the remand because the written decision was indefensible and they were gonna take another look. Pros: Hey, I won! I get a second hearing! Cons: I didn't get a brief written by the federal law firm because there was no time. This is actually a tactic used by the SSA. I have no doubt they're fine tuning another denial. I also have to wait for the lower level court to figure out what was so bad about it (that they'd already ruled was perfect) to give to the judge I will have another hearing with. The same judge. Who said I was a liar multiple times and omitted eight months of medical evidence and said mental health issues are subjective hahaha. I hate this country. Health: Boy howdy it's been better and worse. I had the tilt table test in late December, went... ok enough, but my neuro didn't like how ambiguous the report was and sent me back to them to speak to an autonomic disorder specialist. Scheduled in Jan, just had my appt with her this month lol she is busy. She ordered: genetics test, labs, and skin biopsy. I've done the first two, third is scheduled in July and I'm gonna be a mess because needles u_u Brain stuff is much of the same. Episodic. Manageable times are a godsend, bad times are really bad. My heart started to do some funky ass shit a few months ago. My mom kept writing it off as anxiety no matter how much I explained that it felt like my heart was pounding after exercise. My BP and pulse shot up high for a while and b/c my pulse never came back down and it was interfering with, you know, living, my PCP sent me to cardiology. :') Cause I wanted my heart involved in this mess One 24hr holter monitor, echo, and heart ultrasound later, and I have a new heart condition. He said 'your heart is beating so fast you would normally see it with exercise' bada boom baby and has nothing to do with fucking ANXIETY >:[ I'm on heart medication. 10 meds. I need to start another med for my psych but that's 11 and I'm honestly getting upset because it's so fucking much medication in one day but every single one of them is necessary so what can really I do? Personal: Relationship with my mom is at an all time low. This is extremely unfortunate because a few weeks ago, my mom told me she is basically being 'laid off' (she's not losing her job for a while, just retiring earlier than expected) and I have to leave my home of 10 years by mid-August. Got no sympathy from her about it *finger guns* I've gone through the devastation of that and am kind of just stuck in how is any of that gonna work. My brother and I can't live together, so he's gonna move into a family friend's rental. Except he has no job and hasn't been able to get one in months. He started one on Monday, is gonna leave by Friday because it's horrific ig. Anyway my mom promises he won't be there. We have to move based on my disabilities and my mom's house is gonna have to reflect what we have here. I'll see it when I believe it. I don't trust her anymore. Extra unfortunate that I'm gonna be living 24/7 with my mother who has been an abusive person in my life the past two years. The short break thru the day that my apartment is just mine, quiet and gentle, is gonna be gone. I'll be introducing my solitary 11 year old cat Lilly into a house with 3 other cats. She only knew Isis her entire life. She was just diagnosed with neuro issues this year after going through an MRI. We don't know if she has seizure activity or if it's movement disorder, but the med she's on treats both and she has gotten better. Same process Isis went through. Cannot believe I have two cats with neuro issues and likely the same one. May 18th was one year since Isis passed. Rough, tiring day.

I don't know how it has been that long. Feels like it just happened. I can still see her and feel her through my apartment and losing it in August will probably shatter me most because of losing the last place she existed in. I miss her more than I can say.

She was my little soulmate and her absence is felt in every corner here. Writing/Fandom:

I went through a whole fucking situation over in the Stranger Things fandom that has left me not wanting to post anymore. Idk if neuro shit has destroyed my ability to write but it's humiliating and painful every time I post a fic.

I posted stucky (1 out of 2 fics this year) on my main acct and lost 8 fuckin user subs? Like goddamn. What'd stucky do 😭 anyway it was even more devastating and kinda like 'here's your big ass sign to keep your writing to yourself.'

Between the god awful shit that happened in the ST fandom and my inability to put together even a good one shot, I'm feeling really down about one of two creative things I can do in my life. I used to love sharing my stuff. I want to write and share but it feels like it's harming my MH. I can't draw or paint right now, either. And I can barely move around my apartment without pain. I can't even leave it except for doctor appointments.

Idk. Very walls are closing in type of feeling and I hate it. In short: I'm tired, struggling, and too many things are happening at once. I love you all 😩💜 thank you for your patience and love and kind words. Your support is felt through one update to the next. I hope you're all well and I'm sending all my love and hugs to you.

[kaiyonohime]

Returned from America!

Holy fuck I am never flying ever again in economy. My legs are literally too long to sit straight on some planes. I can't do that, the pain of flying that many hours with my muscles tightening and no way to relax them? Oh fuck that.

Things learned: American Airlines decided my veggie meal meant vegan halal at some point. So that was a thing that happened. And I had the worst hummus of my life, it tasted like gasoline.

American Airlines remembered to load the baby meal! Except my baby refused to eat it. My husband tasted it and said it tasted bad. I tasted it, and it was rancid. And old. Thankfully I had baby crackers to hold the baby over until we got home. I'm not impressed with American Airlines, and won't be flying with them again if I can avoid it.

Narita airport is worse than Haneda. You have to leave security to go to different buildings and terminals. Security is fast, but it's annoying. They have a bus between terminals, but there's no room for luggage carts. So we walked the ten minutes. Narita doesn't have the baby stroller luggage carts. I'm thinking whoever designed Haneda had traveled with a baby, because that airport is baby friendly in ways no other airport is.

Customs in Japan gave no fucks once they saw me write my address in Japan. So at least I didn't have to open my luggage.

Jetstar Japan is still the worst airline ever. No car seats allowed. Took twenty minutes to check in the luggage. They kept asking what my return address in the US was, and almost refused to believe that I lived in Japan. Fuck them, racist assholes.

Baby is jet lagged to all hell, I have a head cold and can't take meds because they all say so not use if breastfeeding.

But I'm happy to be home, in my own bed, with clean clothes, and my own house to cook snacks and tea in.

Thank fuck I bought a shit ton of tea to bring back.

Unfortunately, because of all the books, I could not bring back as many snacks as I wanted. Oh well, yay books!

[tittyinfinity]

Apparently she takes so much that it's dangerous. I don't know how much that is. They complain that she's a bit "too happy" when she comes around. Because when she doesn't have her pills she won't talk to anyone unless they want to do something to help her. They view it as 100% addiction only and so did I for a bit but that was mostly because I prided myself in the fact that I was pushing through my pain *unlike her* but now that I'm getting to the point of burnout I'm realizing that maybe I should look into this before judging further. Thank you so much btw! I'm sorry if talking about this is exhausting, I'm sure people bug this about this kind of stuff enough.

I honestly wouldn't be able to tell you whether or not it's a problem unless I knew how much she was taking and what kind of medication it is. If it's a kind of medication that has 325mg acetaminophen along with it, you can't take more than 3 of them without it being unsafe for your stomach and liver, no matter how much of the narcotic it has in it. In that case, it is dangerous, but in the way that taking three 500mg tylenol is dangerous, opiate or not.

I'm not sure why "too happy" is a side effect to complain about, but that's exactly the effect doctors (and everyone else) don't want you to have. Because having that "high" makes you dirty, somehow. It used to make me feel more euphoric than it does now, with less medication, and I definitely wasn't taking an unsafe amount. Even if what she's feeling is that "euphoric high," there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Isn't that better than her being in pain & unhappy? If she's isolating herself when she doesn't have it, it sounds like she just doesn't want to burden anyone else with her symptoms, because I do that as well. But then again, you mentioned that she will accept help, so I'm assuming there is a health issue that she has discussed with you guys? Would you mind me asking what that is?

It kinda sounds like your family is downplaying a serious health issue of hers, not gonna lie. Even if that health issue is just depression. And honestly, it kinda sucks that everyone is giving her shit whether she takes the meds or not – she's "too happy" when she takes them, "too useless" when she doesn't. That's not really fair to her. But I'm really glad you sent these asks to help get an understanding on the situation better. I really wish my family members cared enough to do the same, tbh.

It sucks dealing with that guilt, that you must be failing in some way if you can't make it through the day without medication. One thing that made me stop beating myself up so much about it was realizing that the stress wasn't any better on my body. Not being able to get things done, missing deadlines, living in a messy environment, not being able to get out of bed or leave the house, not being able to take care of myself in general.... not being able to live life is so much worse, in my opinion. Stress ends up weakening your immune system and can cause many other health issues. Depression can kill you. Taking the pain meds is the safer option whenever the stress from burnout can lead to many more negative outcomes, whether it be your mental health, physical health, or getting into stressful situations due to not being able to function. Don't beat yourself up for needing help!!!

[chemnections]

i feel like there is a lot to unpack here. . .

first those scathing lyrics, holy shit.

starting with the 'check check check', this is a throwback to 'All I Want is Nothing' but the point of a mic check is a question to see if you can be heard.

'pay top dollar for that poison' - psychiatrists and meds, etc can be expensive. remember thats what keeps gerard's therapist driving a lexus.

'medicate to a state you'll find enjoyment' frank is going for blood with this one imo. when your current life situation is bad but fixing it seems too difficult or too much work so you settle for medication to make it all better, but it only makes it surface level okay. because ultimately you are avoiding your problems. how different is this from alcoholism anyway?

also just because its expensive doesn't mean it is actually working for you. money really can't solve all your problems. sometimes it makes them worse.

'everything's a process, just try and trust the doctors' - 'just try' i think is the stand out there. everything's a process is a good line if referring to how healing does not have a finish line, neither do our accomplishments, success and relationships for that matter. it's not like in the movies where the credits roll on a happy ending, you have to live through your entire life.

also 'trust the process' compared to i'm not okays; 'trust me'? no? okay.

'fuck that, fuck them and fuck the damn kid that gave me black eyes given out in plain sight' - again, holy shit. i won't dive into my own experiences with friends getting shit advice from doctors/therapists but this anger is hitting home. i wonder if the 'damn kid' is the younger version of who he's singing too. reminds me 'cross out my eyes, i won't mind at all' in medicine square garden.

'never feeling good inside, never even one time'

'yea life can get you low and down, but never let it take you out' - "Because it kills me to know that we used to feel low But now you just lay down And it's time that we all stood up" from Basement Eyes

the never let it take you out reminds of a few my chem songs

'even when you got black eyes given out in plain sight' i haven't quite pin pointed what this means. trauma from fame? indirect cruelty? abuse?

'Never feeling good inside, never even one time for all your life'. - "i felt this way for so long i'm scared i'm fine' from guilt tripping.

it wasn't just enough to release the song, but to promote and emphasizes the lyrics to make sure they are seen.

my other observations is that he didn't sign the instagram off with 'ktf' (keep the faith) but with 'xo'.

the tube of lipstick that contains a knife - daymn. i could say a lot on that. bloody red lips anyone?

i knew there was some beastie boy inspiration as soon frank was stepping towards the screen

[monk-of-suffering]

I guess what sucks about my life right now is that every day my muscles are either constantly spasming, sometimes so much I can sometimes hardly finish a sentence, or have spasmed so frequently that it's downright painful. usually it's not that bad but even so, spasms or pain nonstop for probably 10 of my 12 waking hours, and yes, I do sleep for 12 hours, otherwise I get sick with some kind of bug for weeks on end.

or maybe the spasming will just make me feel so weak that I can hardly or not even walk. that's not often but it's been happening more.

even when none of those things are happening, my body can't and won't stay still in a way that is anything but unendingly uncomfortable. if it's not spasms, it's tics, or shaking. my brain is falling apart in front of my eyes but i'll just go about my day as usual.

then there's the appetite stuff. how I can feel famished but the moment I look at good I am no longer hungry. how how I've been feeling bloated from eating too much from eating a shocking small amount of food. how much I've felt like crying the past few days from being hungry without an appetite.

even with my normality of having to rush to the bathroom to dry heave, it has been getting much more frequently and much stronger. it's getting hard to hide at work without speed walking to the bathroom. and even when I'm not, I am often walking around with a low level of nausea, all the time. i never know if a glass of water i'm about to drink is going to make me retch.

then there's the fact that I stare into the fucking void that is the the us medical system - doctors not giving a fuck about finding answers, just going to shove pills down me until they find something that works regardless as to if it has side effects years later. like these spasms might be from. this is going to be med number 5 or 6 and every one so far has made the pain way, way worse, so the pattern says that's what I'm in for for the near future. suffering even worse pain than I am right now as the only fucking way I know to move forward.

then at work, my boss has been out for weeks and I'm doing my best to keep a guy who I think might quit from quitting but it's stressing me the fuck out. then there's the coworker who I try to forget exists because he never does shit is maybe actually trying a little and I have to navigate that too, on top of the complete normality of everything being top priority and urgent projects needing to ship before the last one is even done. all of this while constantly distracted by pain or spasms.

oh, and I kind of came out to my dad on a video and called him out on his unaddressed internalized bigotry and we're going to have a conversation this weekend about it

then on Monday is the oncology appointment that I think is going to tell me that I'm going to die. I could be wrong but that's what I feel right now and it's fucking horrifying, because I want to know and I don't want to know

and of course, throughout all of this, there is the fundamental base of my psyche that is self-loathing in depression.

which is why none of this matters, because I don't matter. I am here to try to make other people's lives better to offset the damage I cause to others, even though I know I never can.

[ceadgearst]

hard pressed

ceadgearst

What is the point

Life is just like the end of the joint

So fleeting in the moments that I'm needing

weeding out life, yeah i said that right

I'm high as kite but I'd rather not light

It's just everything's so tough and it dont feel right

I might just be neurodivergent,

but is the only thing that me and capitalism are convergent?

That i abbore work, and that's a little quirk

That will get me on meds that I promise you do work and

Got a high chance of suicide

and self prescribed addictions,

Wrong kind of convictions

and perhaps a death by prescription

Tell me what's the difference?

Is it a hinderence

To the way people usually get stressed out

And talk about it cause i can't stand living this way

No one of us can, that's why we decay

Faster than the man of plastic

When we melt we're not elastic

Its fantastic and icontastic

Kanye west always looks his best

But for me my lungs decay in my chest

Man blessed to live in the 21st century

I get to see the best of technology but its never for me

I get my best shit from the pawn shop down the street,

goodwill, salvation army, and some dude i did meet, yeah

I don't get the elite,

i wish i could drop them, let them hang by their feet,

yeah i should rob them

This shit should happen more often

There's too much wealth, and not enough options

Not enough ramen to thicken my blood enough enough enough

I wish there wasn't such a thing as money

To get me food, to get me funny

To get me somewhere to rest my head

To get to a hospital before I'm dead

Yeah I'm stressed but that's because i feel pressed down

By every every thing around

The sound of an atm hurts my brain

I want to break it, make it rain

I swear this paper makes us insane

What am i working for? What's the same

How can people die from less

But people do so little with all the rest

I hate the way this shit works i swear it makes my brain hurt

The pain is worse

i had to pay for the herse,

the coffin, the embalming

and the calming

cigarette that used to grow on the land

You gotta understand,

It's the 21st century, we just go to the stand

Nothing is ours, not even where we lie

I suppose the dirt you're buried in, but you won't know it if you die

I look up to the sky and I can't deny anything

Because i live where something begins and ends

I'm just wondering what and when

[my-brothers-corrupted]

Henrik, you deserve to get that piece of yourself back. The trauma you went through doesn't define you. And you are also not defined and decided by what Chase needs. You also have needs, you are also a life that's worth being lived. You can call him every day if you have to, but I really think you and your mind need this. Sometimes doing what's best for ourself means spending time away from those you love. Video calling and texting and regular phone calls would be there to keep you two as close as possible. You're Chase's twin, yes, but you're also Henrik, your own person.

"I just think we could make some changes," Chase is saying, on the other side of the bus. "Like, I know you like the therapist, but maybe we need some new meds or something, and if you won't come work at the hospital with me, let's at least work on getting you out of the house a bit more - "

"Chase," sighs Henrik. "We've been through this so many times."

"Yeah, but you never want to do anything new! Can't we just, like, go for walks out in the real world sometimes?"

"You know how that makes me feel."

"Well, talk to me, man, I just don't want you to get stuck. Isn't there anything you do want to do?"

Henrik tenses slightly, looking over at his brother. He readjusts in his seat, eyes flicking away and then back to him. He reads through your message.

"Mh... there is kind of one thing I want to do," he hedges.

"Okay, tell me," says Chase, pleased.

"It's just, I don't know if it would work with your schedule."

"Dude, I'm sure we can figure it out."

Henrik stutters out a breath and fiddles with his phone. "I've been talking to the Ravens."

Chase sits up straight, surprised. "Really? From Peru? That's incredible that you even got in touch with them again."

"I memorized some phone numbers," he says. "Look, I trust them a lot. And they asked me if I would come out there again."

"No way!" Chase grips his arm. "Holy shit! We should! We can go to Peru properly, instead of as hideaways!"

"Yeah?" Henrik flushes red. "I'd love to go with you."

"I mean, money's kind of tight - "

"They said they'll pay my way."

"Schneep! This is amazing. Why did you think we couldn't make it work?"

Henrik clears his throat. "They want me to go for six months."

Chase pauses.

He scrunches up his face a little bit, tilts his head, frowns. "What will you do for six months?"

"They want me to be a volunteer doctor. In the mountains. Where we, uh. Yeah, in the mountains. A doctor."

Chase is looking at him, expression shifting rapidly. Finally he just looks away, evidently trying to put his thoughts together.

"You could come with me," Henrik says, trying to muster some enthusiasm. He really does want that. "You can be my nurse again."

Chase looks back at him, bewildered. "Henrik. Of course I can't do that."

"Oh."

They look at each other like strangers, brows knotted up.

[sam-the-pancake]

Saw a post talking about how you're never too young for a disability or illness or to need a mobility aid and we wanted to talk about our experiences. (It got longer than I was planning. I have more I could say but I managed to fuck up my thumb typing this on my phone and I know if I save this as a draft I'll forget it exists).

We were 8ish the first time we fainted. Nothing was thought of it or done. We fainted twice more between then and when we were 14 and fainted at summer camp. I have a feeling that if it hadn't happened at camp in front of a bunch of adults (who are mandated reporters) that my parents still wouldn't have done anything about it.

Following that time at camp our parents brought us to a bunch of doctors and had tests done. I don't remember much of it, but what I do remember is the neurologist. He was the last doctor we saw and he basically said "nothing's wrong just drink more water and electrolytes". So our mother started buying Gatorade and coconut water for us, but it didn't help much. It stopped it from being terrible, but it didn't make it completely better. By this point I was walking around the house with my vision fully blacking out every time I stood up to go to a different room.

When I was 16 the exercise intolerance was so bad that I couldn't work out anymore. I quit the rowing team that I had loved. I am almost certain that if I had been involved in a different sport that I would have had to quit sooner. I learned just a few years ago that rowing is an exercise that is more tolerable for exercise intolerance, like a recumbent bike. I got "lucky" in a way.

When I was 19? 20? and living alone at college I took matters into my own hands and told the nurse on campus (an amazing woman) that I believe I have EDS and POTS and want to see a specialist. She didn't really know about either disorder but she looked them up with me and decided to refer me to a cardiologist and a neurologist. In the few years since then they've both run many tests and found "nothing wrong". I convinced my cardiologist to send me for a tilt table test and of course that came back inconclusive.

When I was 21 I started using a cane anytime I left the house. I don't actually use it for balance but to reduce pressure on my lower joints when they're in pain, and day-to-day to reduce fatigue. If I don't use my cane I won't make it through the work day without my fatigue and back pain becoming crippling to the point that I can't sit up anymore.

In the last 6months I found an amazing GP who heard my story and decided to get shit done. She sent me to a physical therapist (also an amazing woman), got bloodwork to prescribe me various meds that are actually helping, got me on a waiting list to see an EDS specialist, and sent me to a sleep expert. At my most recent appointment I asked if we could talk about her possibly prescribing a wheelchair and she immediately said yes and wrote the script. Between her, my PT, and Gary the wheelchair guy from NuMotion's help I'm now waiting to hear if insurance is going to cover it.

I'm in my early 20's and I can't cut or mix my own food. I get home from my teaching job and I take a nap then eat the dinner my (also disabled) partner made, and then go to sleep for the night. I don't have a social life. I don't have the energy to do more than one thing in a day. Saturdays we do laundry and Sundays we grocery shop. That's what my weekend is. Sometimes if I have extra energy on a Saturday I can shower too. People don't talk about it much but struggling with personal hygiene is a major issue I have due to my disabilities. I started taking "cat baths" when I was less than 12 (washing the important bits with a washcloth while sitting on the toilet/floor). My sensory issues due to being autistic also affect this and make it hard for me to shower even when I do have the physical energy.

When I started physical therapy, my physical therapist asked what my goals are, long term or short term. I said I want to be able to shred my portion of chicken and mix it into the rice myself when we have dinner. My secret goal is to be able to do it for my partner as well so they can rest after cooking. I said my long term goal is to be able to rock climb again, but I understand that that might never be possible for me again.

I'm not even 25 and I'm mourning the loss of every interest I've ever had other than reading, and even holding a big book open is too much for my hands sometimes. I cannot live independently. I'm lucky that I have a low impact job that pays well enough for me to support myself and my partner. They can't work but they're able to take care of the housework and cooking and moving groceries and other necessities that I can't do myself. I try not to think about the future because I don't know what a progression of my disabilities would mean for our ability to live away from our abusers parents.

[veebs-says]

Did I just have a seizure? Am I about to have a migraine? Does it really make a difference one way or the other?

Either way my brain doesn't work right and the solution is at least partially that my doctors should just give me my damn prescriptions instead of letting them run out and make me harass them to get them to do anything about it. You are not installing confidence that you're actually going to help me if you complain about me not having seen you in person as recently as you'd like when the reason I haven't been there as often at usual is that I've been having a really hard time in general, and not having my damn meds does not make that easier. Especially when my brain's default response to anything changing suddenly is to do something neurologically weird.

And when I say I've been having a hard time what I really mean is that the past six months have been the worst six months of my life in just about every imaginable way, and that's after the previous couple years were already worse than everything before that in many ways. Almost everything that's ever gone wrong before is going wrong simultaneously these days.

I almost started making a list here, but it's too much and doesn't feel helpful right now. It's also not helpful that my vision and hearing have both gotten substantially worse this year instead of just the usual stuff where my brain is weird.

And I guess that's where I've been for the past six months of not looking at Tumblr because the couple times I tried made me sad so it was easier to just not. I've apparently been busy becoming increasingly disabled, losing most of what I had in my life, and not really having much agency with any of it.

I spent most of my life starting in high school gradually getting worse with each passing year, but finally in the last couple years before the pandemic I made some positive progress for the first time in a very long time, and things were starting to look better for a change. My health was still kind of a mess but seemed to be improving, I was getting out and doing more things (including stuff I never would've done before), and I had tons of friends and great relationships with awesome people.

Now my health is the worst it's ever been, I haven't left the house in two years other than moving from one place I live to another or occasional medical stuff that has to be done in person, and I'm more isolated than I've ever been. And I can't just magically fix any of that. I barely have the capacity to brush my teeth once a day and shower once every five months, and if my food weren't provided for me I would simply starve. None of those are exaggerations.

If I can barely do any of that, how am I supposed to address any of these things and change them? And if I barely even know who I am on my own anymore, how am I supposed to even think about who I am in friendships and relationships?

It took my entire life to finally just barely get a fraction of my shit together, and now not only has all of that been undone but I've ended up so much further back than where I started. I can't do all that again, and it's that much worse having seen what I could be and quite possibly not ever being able to get it back.

And maybe that's wrong. Maybe someone will finally figure out what's wrong with me and things will get better. That's still what I'm hoping for, even if it would almost definitely take years to undo some of this.

The problem is that if this can't be fixed and this is all I've got, it's not worth it. And unless my health or my relationships get drastically better my backup plan is basically guess I'll die dot jpg. Not because that's what I want or anything, but I clearly can't take care of myself and my parents are getting old and can't for that much longer either.

And like...that's fine? It's not something I didn't already accept as a possibility a long time ago. I've been 100% dependent on other people for a while, and if for any reason they can't or won't keep doing that, then...

I know people always say it's not a burden to care for someone who's sick or injured or disabled, but I don't think that's actually true. It definitely is. I've seen how it affects the people around me. It may be really obvious the ways our bullshit society doesn't give someone like me almost any of the support I need, but equally as much it doesn't do that for any of the people around me who have to make up for what it doesn't do. And those people may sometimes be ok with that or at least willing to do it anyway, but I'm not convinced it's not a burden on them, just that it's one they choose to bear.

This whole thing has been bouncing around in my head for months, slowly taking shape. I probably left out at least half of what I've been thinking about, but whatever weird brain thing is going on right now has caught up with me, and I can't remember or really think about it any more right now.

I don't know whether I want everyone to see this or no one to see this. Obviously the answer is to put it on here and let the whims of Tumblr sort it out.

[itstheelvenjedi]

It's Disability Wrath month so here is my Wrath, fuckers

Long, ranty and angry post about disability rights below the cut. If you're too sensitive to listen to disabled people being angry about being treated like shit then move along because I will NOT coddle you. Have a nice day and don't let the door bitch slap you in the ass on your way out 🤡👋

Welcome to the UK, where if you claim to be disabled you have to be "uwu wittol bwabey who can't do anythwing for mwyself awww", if you can do anything else including bullshit like:

-be young and disabled. Cause the two things are mutually exclusive and there is absolutely positively NO WAY you can be born with a congenital (aka "from birth") incurable (aka no amount of medical treatment or "positive thinking uwu" is going to "fix" what is wrong with me and magically make me NOT disabled! But thinks like opioid pain meds that make it so i can grit my teeth through the pain ENOUGH to limp around with a mobility aid can give me SOME quality of life) condition. Don't you know that only happens to old people??

-stand up, even if you're in agony while doing so and need a mobility aid to move around for a distance greater than idk like 10 meters or whatever. The "meaasurements" are arbitrary and change whenever the powers that be feel like they're spending too much money on the cripples and r*****s ;)

-but you're not in real agony because if you WERE you'd be crying and screaming 24/7, but if you cry and scream and complain TOO much about being in pain you're "dramatic" and "faking it for attention" ( "you have no proof of that, its an exaggeration and the real world doesnt do tha-" ok Janice, we won't talk about the time I was admitted to a hospital, denied my regular pain meds because "I'm only 21 and I'm too young to be on opioids" and then HANDCUFFED TO A BED AND LOCKED IN A CLOSET because I was in so much pain that I HAD A MENTAL BREAKDOWN and was "making noise that was scawing other pweople uwu" cause none of y'all ableds are ready to have that conversation. Fact.)

-limp to the toilet to go potty, again despite being in utter agony the entire time, and sit/ stand even if you have to have BARS all over the bathroom that you can use to PHYSICALLY PULL yourself up or you COULDNT DO IT. but you can still wipe your own ass so it's not that bad and you're exaggerating just to get free money

-expect your prescriptions to be refilled in the time frame you were told they would be. What do you MEAN you want your meds because you've run out? Just don't think about the pain!! Take some OTC painkillers and wait an extra month till we feel like it! What do you mean you can't walk or eat without your regular medication to ensure your body doesn't literally stop you from doing basic human tasks??? LIES

-put food in your mouth. Even IF you drop it all over yourself and/or the floor 5+ times before it gets in there cause you got it there in the end so stop whining

-expect to live in peace in your own fucking home and not be attacked and assaulted by able-bodied men who had no business getting in your personal space cause you never said a bad word to them or cared what they were doing till you ALMOST GOT MURDERED IN YOUR OWN HOME. TWICE. just call the police!! It's what they're for!!

-but the police officers that get there care more about the able bodied men's rights to infringe on YOURS so stop being a snitch OK? Just mind your business. Don't exist in your own home cause that's asking to be assaulted cause you're there and vulnerable what do you expect???

-Additionally, What do you MEAN you close your curtains at 3pm in the afternoon because they stand outside filming you with their phones against your consent??? Open the window and take photographic evidence or it didn't happen and you're a neurotic, lying woman who just wants to give "good harmless men uwu" additions to their ALREADY EXTENSIVE CRIMINAL RECORDS

-take a shower on your own, but only if we provide the equipment and facilities which we TELL you we will do, to trap you into a lease, but then remind you that that shits too expensive and you'll just have to manage with a bathtub even if you can't: sit, stand, stretch your legs out, DON'T stretch your legs out, sneeze, walk, run, or breathe without dislocating your hip, you're overreacting it's just a little step it's not that bad 🤗

-have a rash because we'll only give you the bare minimum of care and therefore only allow you to bathe once a week because you physically can't do it on your own with the piss poor equipment we "generously" (read: cheaply and not at all adequately) provided you with. If you were less lazy and better at pacing yourself to do one little wash a day you could bathe on your own, don't be ungrateful

AND if any of the above is true, congrats!! You are officially "faking it and not really disabled" so your status as a disabled person MUST be rigorously questioned EVERY 2-3 YEARS to STOP FRAUD AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT who are "only trying to help you" and you should FEEL BAD for feeling suicidal after ALL the help we gave you. Ungrateful snowflake

(This last paragraph is blatant, fury-charged sarcasm BTW. Everything else, sadly, is NOT. These are all real things that have been said and done to me as a physically AND mentally disabled person in our GLORIOUS (/s) land of Gd Save the Qn)

Able-bodied people can reblog but if you act like a clown I will take your fucking kneecaps out with my cane. I'm done being nice about this.

Other disabled people are welcome to add on to this with their own stories, even if nothing else ever comes from this post except that you get to scream in frustration to someone who hears you and GETS IT. I'm here, my brothers and sisters and siblings of non-binary or other more complicated gender identities. I see you, I hear you, and I'm angry that you're being treated so badly too.

[stormyoceans]

doctor anxiety solidarity 😭😭 i have a chronic sleep disorder that means i literally cannot attend school or get a job because it's impossible to actually attend something at the same time every week. i'm 25 and for the last 15 years it's just been 'eat more fruit & veg maybe?' and 'we don't want to put you on meds bc that'll make you dependent' and 'well the lightbox didn't work and there's no other nhs-funded treatments in this area so i guess you'll have to live with it :/' like girl!!! this is driving me insane!!! i know doctors are overworked and all but it's as if they dont even have time for empathy anymore :( :(

ANON I CAN RELATE TO THIS SO MUCH

it hasn't been so long for me, but for the past 4 years i've been suffering from insomnia almost every night and when i tried to look into it because it was starting to effect the quality of my life, i basically got the exact same answers as you did: 'you're drinking too much coffee, cut that out', 'your lifestyle is too sedentary, work out more', 'you're stressed, go on vacation', 'try these melatonin gummies and maybe go back to therapy'...... and like!!! i know these are good advices for a healthy lifestyle, and it's always good to keep them in mind, but i wish doctors would LISTEN when i tell them THOSE DIDN'T DO SHIT!!!!! I STILL HAVE THAT STUPID INSOMNIA AND IT'S DEBILITATING!!!!!!! there are days at work where my productivity is non-existent because i can't focus and have a hard time even remembering how words work!!!!!

im so sorry to hear that you're also dealing with a chronic sleep disorder because i know how awful it is. some days it feels like i can barely function and i've only been experiencing it for 4 years, but it's been 15 years for you!!!! i honestly can't imagine how hard it must have been to try to go through school while dealing with this!!!! AND IM GETTING ANGRY ON YOUR BEHALF BECAUSE IT'S UNACCEPTABLE THAT NO ONE WAS ABLE TO HELP YOU OUT PROPERLY AND THAT THEY EXPECT YOU TO JUST LIVE WITH IT THAT'S NOT OKAY!!!!!!!

and like you said, i know doctors are also humans and badly overworked, so i always try to be respectful and kind, but it's SO FRUSTRATING when you have an issue that is seriously effecting your life and the only people who can help you out just won't listen or care enough to find a solution

i really do hope you will eventually find a doctor that's gonna take your problem seriously and help you find a treatment that works for you, because you deserve a damn good night of sleep and a stable lifestyle. in the mean time, im sending you all my love and support and solidarity, and im always here for you if you need to talk or vent a little!!!!

[sukirainbow]

OC: Suko

I can't believe I haven't already made a bio for Suko, that character in the rain polycule chart I posted a while ago:

Planning to write a fic with them in it, so far I think they made a super quick appearance in one ^^

He exists in an AU where Obito joins in the first Akatsuki and Yahiko survives.

Profile:

Name: Suko Village: Amegakure Rank/Speciality: Med Nin - suck ass at taijutsu, best at ninjutsu Chakra nature: Fire Family: Mother is a med nin, father and brother died in the war. Friends: Nagato, Konan, Yahiko, Daina, Sumi, Yoki

Age: 26 at the moment i wanna write my Lore(tm) but basically same age as Nagato Birthday: 6 july (cancer) Bloodtype: O- Height: 1m62 Weight: 74 kg - their body is a lil chubby, with big breasts that they bind sometimes Hair color: ginger Eye color: green Complexion: that pale ass skin that doesn't tan but cook in the sun Scars: A scar on the right side of his lips Piercings: his ears are pierced, as he get older he get more ear piercings (total: 2 earrings holes and 3 piercings on the top of both his ears) Moles: they have a few of them on their neck and body Make up: Suko don't wear any make up unless they wanna look extra and if so they will only put on eyeliner/mascara/lipstick/eyeshadow, stuff that are visible, they don't see the point in concealer and contouring Clothes: They wear the first akatsuki uniform, otherwise it's mostly comfy clothes unless they go on dates, where they make themself a little more fancy. They don't mind wearing pretty lingerie and skirts/dresses.

Gender: Nonbinary (he/they) non op and on T - goes on and off T a lot in his life Sexuality: Bisexual - Polyamourous

Personality: He's a bit awkward but very nice and willing to make himself useful as much as he can, taking care of the other Akatsuki members like an older sibling (despite his small size). He can't help crying when experiencing intense emotions such as anger or distress. He has a tendency to stress and over prepare, as he has anxiety. To them, their friend's safety is the most important, he hates when people get reckless and risk their lives stupidly. He want to help Akatsuki fulfill its goal to make life better for the people of Ame.

They're kind of an introvert and rather stay in and read than hangout outside, although they will let Nagato and Konan drag them outside.

They're very open about being trans and no one in the first Akatsuki has given them shit about it.

Hobbies: Reading, drawing, cooking Faves: The color red, sweet food,

Backstory: His mom was a medic moving in Amegakure when they first heard about Akatsuki. Suko had learned medical ninjutsu with her and eventually joined the ranks of the organization to be able to help them more.

He sucks at combat so he's mostly at the hideout taking care of the wounded.

They befriends people easily but they get particularly close to Nagato who end up in the med bay very often (this is my au and i do what i want dfgfhgfdq). They're a big supporter of the Nagato/Yahiko/Konan triad and nudges Nagato into confessing his feelings.

They're also very into Konan and Nagato but it won't happen before a whole lot of awkward flirting (im a sucker for that shit).

Thinking about making them date yahiko and obito too eventually 🤔

More images:

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

I have a bit of a loaded question, so the area I live in doesn't have many places that offer hrt or any help for transexuals trying to start the process of transition and places that do cost thousands, I've been living in poverty for years and cant afford health insurance and my dysphoria has gotten worse over the years so can I ask how you went about transitioning or some advice on things you did to ease dysphoria? even if it's just minor stuff that I can try for now

Don't worry about asking too much. And feel free to ask more clarification on anything I say below. This is gonna be a long post so buckle in.

How I did my medical transitioning process in the USA:

-While Ohio certainly isn't a super progressive state, we got the Cleveland clinic which has an entire LGBT center that has been super easy and simple for me to work with.

-I talked to my primary Dr about getting a referral to the LGBT center. All they needed was a therapist letter showing that I do in fact have gender dysphoria/medically transitioning is an important part of improving my quality of life.

-from there I had an appointment to discuss what I want (hrt, top/bottom surgery, freezing eggs, etc etc). You don't have to do everything. But they all involve different drs so they wanna know who to reach out to.

-I got on hrt pretty quickly but I had to save a lot before I got top surgery since insurance wouldn't help at all.

Tips for paying for medical transitioning shit:

-goodrx is a good site for finding cheaper meds while still going though legit channels. You just need a prescription and a goodrx coupon. They're good for almost every us pharmacy.

-DO NOT GO THROUGH OTHER CHANNELS.

-I repeat. Do not get your meds through anyone except a Dr office. It's very unsafe and the risks are not better than the rewards. I know it sucks not being able to medically transition. And me telling you it'll be ok won't make it any more easier for you in this present moment. But I promise, it will eventually be ok. You'll get there and one day you'll be able to get everything through legit means. I'm sorry you have to be patient. You shouldn't have to be.

-poverty definitely makes things harder. I had a supportive family that donated money and art commissions I did to help fund my top surgery over the course of a year. But I am not at poverty level. I definitely wouldn't of been able to do that in your situation. I wish I had good advice for that but I don't. I'm sorry.

-does your state, county, city, etc have any LGBT support groups?? Sometimes they will have resources to help with funding and shit.

-there are scholarships for trans people to help with stuff. Can't promise it's easy to get, but it's worth looking into.

-I have seen people use this one thing to grow facial hair?? I don't remember what it was and I don't know if there's side effects. It was like a thing you rub one and it's for cis men to help hair growth. I'm not endorsing it, but it might be worth looking at.

-if you're gonna do binding make sure you look up how to do it safely and you buy it from a safe site. I know that it can sometime get pricey with that but binding unsafely will cost you more in the long run.

General tips for transitioning/suggestions for dysphoria (focusing on trans men):

-there's other things besides medical stuff. You can look into legal name changes too. You do usually have to pay which sucks, but it can be a really nice step when you can't afford the more expensive medical shit.

-even if there are no lgbt support groups in your area, there are online resources you can find too.

-dress for your body type. What styles work for one person, might not work for someone else. You don't have money to throw around so trail and error is a lot harder. But you really have to try and find what works best for you. That can take time.

-I found vests helped my chest look smaller which was nice. Button down shirts with fun designs also do a good job at making chests look smaller. The designs should be non symmetrical. The idea being that the design will drive people's eyes all over and not focus on your chest. I also liked t-shirts with large designs that went across the entire front part of the shirt as they don't have text/designs that exist right there on your chest focusing everyone's eyes there 🙄🙄🙄.

-I have a round face so I found that hair styles that make my face look more rectangular to be extremely helpful. To find what hairstyle is best for you, the best bet is to do some research. Don't go too short though or it'll come off as more of a pixie cut than a male hairstyle.

-one of the worst things for me was my voice (and it still kinda is). I found singing along to songs with male singers help. Both deep and high voices ones. With the music up high so it's harder to hear myself.

-try and figure out what stuff makes it worse. I know some people find seeing their naked body to be terrible and showering/getting dressed in the dark can help with that. If you can determine what makes things worse, you can find small solutions to them.

-when it's really getting you down, remind yourself of things that are gender affirming that you have/can do instead of lingering on everything you can't do.

-there are sports bras designed to make you look smaller which can also be helpful.

-not so much something to help you pass. But I have a hat that makes me feel better when I'm down. If you have a comfort item using it can help a lot when dysphoria is a bitch.

-for my body type I found cargo pants that were loose around the shins to be very helpful in making my hips look smaller.

-not sure about your home life. But if you can, don't shave. I honestly tell this to cis women too just cuz shaving is so much work. But not shaving can be very gender affirming (more so because of the society we live in). If anyone asks you can just say you're too lazy to shave and that tends to satisfy people without them going "you're just doing it for social commentary" (<- which isn't a bad thing anyways 🤷‍♂️ why do people care so much about hairy legs and armpits???).

-again. Don't know your situation. But just having people call you "he" around you can help more than anything. Even if you don't pass, just the acknowledgement that they see who you are will go a long way.

-remind yourself that it's ok that you don't pass. You're still a man.

-I had a really bad spiral of depression from dysphoria before. And I won't say I managed it perfectly. But just trying to get yourself to not care as much about what others think can help.

-this might sound counter productive. But don't slouch to hide your chest. I found that walking with my back straight with that "confident" strut helped make me feel a lot more comfortable about my body.

-if you have someone to talk to, talk to them. Telling someone about how your feeling won't solve the problem but it will make it easier for you to get the emotions out and think more clearly. I can't tell you how much easier it was to think of solution, and how much better I felt in general, by opening up to a supportive person.

-I always found hats to be gender affirming. There is no reason for this as it does not matter what kind of hat.

-we live in a covid world. Get yourself a mask that is "masculine." I say it like that cuz that's full bullshit and cloth has nothing to do with gender. But when I wear a cute cat cloth mask vs usually a black/gray mask I found I got gendered very differently. It's stupid but you might as well use gender stereotypes to your favor.

-don't avoid bright colors cuz you think they're feminine. It's a lot more about style and design than color for clothes.

-remind yourself that you don't need to pass. It's not the end all be all. You're no less trans. And you're still you no matter what people see you as.

-there are voice exercises to make your voice lower. I don't have recommendations but I know they're out there.

-get some boxers. You can't wear them on your period unless you do tampons or get period underwear that's boxer designed. But a majority of the time you can still wear them. And you'll find you get a lot less wedgies which is nice.

-get gendered shirts. Stuff like "world okay-ist brother." Even if you don't pass you can just tell people it's a gag shirt. And it's really nice to wear for yourself.

-People watch. I cannot stress this enough. People watch. Look at men. Look at how many are actually short, have wide hips, have baby faces, have high voices, have long hair, have soft eyes, have long eyelashes, have curves, have less hair on their arms. Look at how they sit, how many also cross their legs, how many also curl up in balls, how many also get flustered and cute, how many say aww at cute cat videos. Really look at them. Because there are so many cis men around you that have a lot in common with you. We've just been taught that these things are feminine or masculine when they aren't and dysphoria makes us exaggerate these differences even more. But they're natural on bodies of all genders. Actions/thoughts that we all share. And it's ok that you have those features. Look at the men around you and see how much you have in common. You aren't that different.

-lastly again. Remind yourself it's ok to not pass. Dysphoria will get worse and it will get better. You'll get over this wave of dysphoria. You'll find a way to manage. And one day you will realize you're thriving in ways you never thought you could. Its hard and I'm sorry it has to be hard. But you aren't alone. And you are already enough of a man as you are now. Even if you don't feel like it yet.