#mild ranting but that's every other week tbh

[batsinurbelfrey]

louis domingue, anton khudobin, elvis merzlikins. ALL THE GOALIES

LOUIS DOMINGUEEEEEEEEEEEE - That man.....that man. insert “wait hold on i think i need a minute, i just need a min-- wait” meme here. *lays down on my floor* He’s just. Oh K he’s so good. You've heard me rant already. you KNOW. His appreciation for the arts (and acceptance of craft as art as well), His love of baking, his kindness to others, his hyping up people new to baking, his CHARITY BAKE SALES, how soft he is with his kids....I--- ;____;  (I worry about him on the Flames tbh, he seemed a good culture fit for the Nucks, but also if the flames can keep him and make it work I’ll just be happy for him in the sense that HE NEEDS A HOME ALREADY, that man is getting passed around TOO MUCH)  Also I made one of his pies and it was the SWEETEST THING I’VE EVER EATEN, like type 2 diabetes distilled down into one dish. Which like, tracks for his personality and made me laugh so hard. (it was very good though, it just took me over 2 weeks to eat it all)  Dobby - A good good boy. Although chaotic. A lover of strange foods, like dippin’ dots, and his routine pregame meal of “a TON of pasta with thousand island dressing” to quote Stephen Johns. Also going off Stephen his bromace with Rads is apparently the most chaotic on the team which does not shock me at all. He carries the team on the reg along with Miro and Bish (when he’s healthy) and thats just very sexy of him. I really enjoy that the goalie tandem for Dallas is like....a true tandem? if that makes sense? it feels 50/50. Dobby isnt a “backup”  E L V I S -  THE WHOLESOME WHORE HIMSELF. I fucking......oh god I adore this man. I mean the theme here is clearly that I, like any person with a beating heart, have a soft spot for goalies. But like, Elvis....oh Elvis. Time for an INFO DUMP FOR THE GENERAL POPULOUS, kuz a lot of people dont know it. I’ll try to keep it short.  His dad died when he was 3 and money was tighter than tight since it was just his mom and him, hockey was always like this pipe dream but his mom insisted on supporting it and him, no matter how much work it meant she had to take on, even with his dream to be a goalie which is by far the most expensive path,  she would buy as much used gear as she could manage and he made it work!  Eventually his mom remarried and they moved to Switzerland and he developed a kind of “second mother” relationship with the ex-wife of his step father, he started doing junior hockey in Switzerland but then his family had to move back to Latvia so he had to stop. but theN THE SWISS TEAM got a waiver on foreign students so he got to go BACK, although alone. He was staying with his "other mom" for a time, and then they were really close but she got sick and couldn't care for him anymore so the team moved him into his own apartment, at 16. During this time his coach was said to have really stepped in as a stand in dad, because living on your own at 16, in another country.  and chasing your future NHL career is a lot.  but then the COACH GOT LET GO and he had to carry on on his own but he DID it and he made it to the NHL. But then shortly after leaving Switzerland to start his new career, his second mother (the one who was sick) passed away... Essentially, what i’m getting at is, Elvis Merzlinkins has every reason/right in the world to be a pessimist or have no faith that good things happen. He’s been THROUGH IT. And YET. He is the dude he is, the always smiling, always kind, absolute dork, who spends his time roasting his dog, making jokes, mild sassing media, hyping up his teammates, and posting workout thirst traps to his instagram. And I just really admire that in him. I admire that way of living, that aggressive positivity. I like him a lot. (He is also drop dead gorgeous, but like that is secondary to the main point, pfft)  Send me a team or a player and I’ll give you my 100% honest opinion!

[bangtansfavwriter]

🥞☕brunch café owner! jin☕🥞

tw: a tiny mention of anxiety and shitty people that you may have encountered in school / uni ( but a lot of fluff to make up for it! )

- so far, your day was a complete catastrophe, im not even gonna tone it down, it was a complete shitshow to be honest

-it was like god woke up and went "i’m gonna let y/n have a shit day lmaoo"

-you overslept and missed your bus... on the day you had an appointment with your lecturer about your term paper

- after tripping on the stairs and hitting your knee, you hobbled to the office where this gollum lookalike was already waiting for you

- your lecturer was unreasonable enough to not let you extend your deadline for your paper... the one book you needed wasn't in the library for the past 3 weeks and there was no other edition available. so you explained the situation multiple times even at the beginning of your writing process, you even wrote him mails to explain the issue

- but this man who literally radiated boomer energy with every particle of his being really had the audacity to not answer, not even to your second mail and then he actually said that he does not understand "how someone of your age doesn't manage to even get a simple task as writing a paper" done

-you explained the situation again but he was pretty much tone-deaf to your situation and didn't even care when you said that you're actually gonna go to the library now to get the book scans

- so you went there already drained and exhausted from that conversation

-but the library was an even worse experience tbh .......

[fic mode: on, hohoho]

The lady in the library yelled at you for no apparent reason after you informed her that the scanner wasn't working and made you look stupid in front of other students who were there until one of them intervened and helped you out, which you appreciated. But this whole situation grew even worse on you after you left the library because your anxiety kicked in. You went straight into a quiet alley nearby and started crying quietly. "But hey!" you then exclaimed angrily, while wiping away your tears "At least the paper is gonna get done, right?! because who gives a shit about mental health and all huh, Mr. Go?!" and you started sobbing again. "Dickhead... And that stupid library lady... with her stupid fat 80s glasses. And her ugly yeehaw look...". This was something you wouldn't ever do in public, crying and ranting that is. but the alley was quiet, your only company was a stray cat that was sleeping underneath a tree's shadow. or so you thought. "Ugly yeehaw people and their ugly ass clothes, like... go read a magazine or something...". You started feeling more liberated with each mild insult you'd utter, so you went on. "Ugly library lady and her giant wart, like who the fuck are you? yubaba?" you heard someone snort and start laughing a squeaky laugh that almost sounded like a windshield wiper. Taken aback by the unexpected witness to your mild breakdown, you stood still at first, then looked around, left and right, but you couldn't see anyone. "Over here!" you heard someone say. You looked around again and sighed when you still couldn't see anyone. "Did I finally lose my mind?" you mumbled to yourself, only to hear the squeaky laugh again. "Hey! Turn around and look up!". You got up the bench and did as you were told by the omnipresent voice and finally saw the person it belonged to. Up at the 1st floor, there was a guy looking down to you from his tiny balcony that had plants hanging down from it. He smiled at you when your eyes met and you felt your heart rate go up in an instant, as you realized this stranger, this awfully handsome stranger witnessed how your petty little rant and crying about yubaba's twin in the library. "Tough day, huh?" he asked, you just nodded and quickly wiped your face with your sleeve. "Oh no, hold on" he mumbled and suddenly disappeared from his window, leaving you behind with a surprised look on your face. A box of Kleenex suddenly landed in front of your feet, as he reappeared at his window. "Just one would have done it, too, but thank you. I appreciate it!" you said and smiled at the guy. While you wiped your face, you heard another something land on the bench. You looked up again to the guy who, all of a sudden, avoided your gaze. "That'll help, you know..." he said and looked at you in surprise when you started laughing. What he threw on the bench was a... bar of chocolate. One that also happened to be your favourite. You looked at him and gave him a huge smile that made his heart flutter. He looked away shyly and scratched his head. "Tough day, yeah... but this right here," you raised the chocolate bar, "this makes it all better, you're right about that. Thank you!" The stranger couldn't help but look at you once again. He almost felt compelled to it. It was like staring at the sun when it sets, you know that you shouldn't stare at it directly, but it's so breathtakingly beautiful that you can't help but look. He intently watched you while you happily munched on your chocolate and smiled to himself. "What's your name?" he asked you. "Y/N! How about you?" - "I'm Seokjin. You can call me Jin..." - "Nice to meet you, Jin. I wish it would have been under different circumstances, though. I'm actually quite embarrassed about that, but chocolate helps with that, too." You two smiled at each other. "You know what, Y/N? Sometimes good things happen at weird times. Don't be embarrassed about crying earlier. I'm the last person who'd judge you because of that. I know that library witch, by the way... That Yubaba comparison was spot on!" You laughed out loud - he very much wished to hear this sound more often now. "Y/N, I gotta get ready for work now. But I'm gonna share one last bit of wisdom with you. I know a good remedy for bad days." - "Better than chocolate?" - "Oh, yes. Even better than chocolate. There's a café in XX street. There's a whole lot of lavender growing right in front of it, you can't miss it. That cafe has the best pancakes in the entire city." - Oh my god, pancakes are the best thing on earth!" - "(!!!) You must go there and try then! They're fluffy and come in 5 different variations and the sweetest maple syrup! I'm telling you, if you have a bad day like this again, go straight to that café." He already got you at pancakes, so you definitely would go there. "I'll finish this damn paper and then go reward myself with pancakes! In one or two weeks I'll get like 2 plates of pancakes then!" - "That sounds perfect!", he laughed. Shortly after, he excused himself and you two bid farewell. He disappeared from his window and your troubles had disappeared from your soul. You went home with a smile on your face, thankful for the kindness he had shown you and hoped that you would see him in the café some day. "Who knows... Maybe he's a regular there. It sounded like it."

~

Roughly one and a half weeks later, many all nighters and a whole lot of take out food, you finished the paper and handed it in. Liberated from this massive pain in the ass, you went straight to the café that your thoughts circled around during the times you weren't busy with your paper. "God, I hope he's there...", you thought and thought of Jin, who you thought about as much as you dreamed of the huge plate of pancakes you were going to get now. The café was not very far from where you lived, you walked there in about 15 minutes and recognised the place by a very accurate description Jin has given you. The smell of lavender bewitched you as soon as you stepped into the alley the café was in. Lots of flower pots were in the front of it, not only was there lavender but also gardenias and petunias. The flowers were all around the tables outside. "Of course, the flower boy loves the flower café" you said to yourself and smiled. The café wasn't too busy, as you came by at a rather early hour, when there were still lectures for most students and older people were busy at the local market place. You were greeted right away when you entered the café, by a younger man, probably also a fellow student, who was wearing an apron and gave you a warm welcome with his bunny smile. He showed you to your table at the window side from where you could watch bees hurdle at the lavender pots outside. You ordered shortly after, it didn't take much thinking when you saw the "Eat the stress away" menu, with regular pancakes, hashbrowns and a tea/coffee option. "Excellent choice! It's my personal favourite~", your waiter added. You glanced at each other. "Fellow student?" you asked and laughed when he suddenly looked at you with a gloomy look, but joined you in laughter right away. "Shared struggle", he said laughing, leaned over real quick and whispered: "I'll get you some blueberry pancakes, too. I'll tell the chef you're a friend of mine." - "Oh my god, thank you!" He winked and went straight to the kitchen, while humming a tune. Well, this was certainly the sweetest waiter you'd ever encountered. But you had your eyes on the door, hoping for a divine intervention that would lead to Jin coincidentally walk into the café when you were there. Around 15 minutes later you finally sipped on your coffee and were about to devour the fluffiest pancakes you'd ever had on a plate in front of you. The hash browns were a tad bit disappointing, as they had a slighty burnt taste and weren't spiced very well, in your opinion. But the pancakes were absolutely amazing. Their soft and fluffy texture was  complemented with butter and the sticky-sweet maple syrup that as truly as good as Jin said. And the blueberry pancakes were so good that you feared losing control over your facial expressions. Your waiter came along to your table, after he got the newest customer orders to the kitchen. You invited him to sit with you, which he gladly accepted. "How do you like it? They're really good, right?" - "I think this is what the kids call 'foodgasm'...", you answered and the two of you giggled. He looked at your plate and noticed the hash browns that you put at the edge of your plate. "Oh? Didn't like the hash browns?" he asked with wide eyes.

"They're slightly burnt, I think..." you said shyly. You were never one to criticize the cook when you didn't like your food in a restaurant. The only time when you actually complained was when you once found hair in your soup in a restaurant, and even back then you apologised for the trouble whereas it was clearly the chef who was at fault. "Please don't tell anyone, this can happen sometimes, I accept that." you quickly added, but your waiter shook his head ferociously. "You paid for this, so it is our duty to bring good food to your table. Our chef is a perfectionist, I don't understand how this can happen anyway. I'll get it sorted out, but not without teasing him. Can you wait a little until the customers are gone here. We close for lunch time. So people are gonna leave soon." You agreed and waited, while befriending the waiter - Jungkook, a 2nd year student who was currently doing a side job at "Café Smeraldo". After the last customer left, Jungkook decided to call the chef by yelling across the café. "He's also the manager you know. We're a bit short-staffed, you know... This is gonna be funny~~ JIN-HYUNG!" You almost spat out your coffee and started coughing as soon as you heard that name. "JIN-HYUNG COME OUT OF YOUR BUREAU! YOU BURNT A CUSTOMER'S FOOD!" He cackled after he heard noise coming from inside, while you sat there mortified. The door from the staff room slammed open and you instantly wished to turn into dust, as said manager/chef was the guy who consoled you on one of the worst days you've had in your academic life. The two of you stared at each other in shock, but before he could say anything to you he started scolding his younger co-worker and the two of them started bickering, while you continued sipping on your coffee, because this whole situation was soon more entertaining than it was mortifying. At some point Jin shushed Jungkook who shut up right away when he realized that this wasn't playful bickering anymore. Jungkook bowed deeply and went to the kitchen where he started cleaning. "You're friends with the boy?" Jin asked and sat down at your table. He looked tired, you thought. "No, actually we met earlier, but I suppose we just clicked very fast." - "So this kid got you my famous blueberry pancakes on the house, huh?" - "...I guess so. Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause you trouble. I really didn't want him to say anything about the hash browns either." He quickly glanced at them and grabbed one to take a bite, but put it down again before doing so. "I can see it already", he said "you don't need to apologise, it's my bad." He sat there with a gloomy expression and sighed. "Tough day, huh?" you asked and smiled at him when he laughed at your reference. "Tough week is more like it. We're a bit short-staffed at the moment. But enough of me and my manager melancholy. Finished your paper?" You were surprised by his sudden change, but you went along. "Yeah, I turned it in earlier and came here right after. I gave you my word after all." You smiled at him, and he felt the same rush that he had experienced the day he first met you. You continued: "You were right, by the way. These pancakes are everything!! Especially the blueberry ones. Is that your recipe?" He laughed and nodded. "I'm glad you liked them!" he said. "I'll serve you better hash browns the next time, pinky promise. I got a phone call while preparing 3 orders, yours was the only one that suffered from it." - "It happens sometimes. Don't dwell on something so minor." - "Says you, who cried beneath my balcony because of some witch!" The two of you giggled. He looked at you with a look, that made your cheeks burn. His gaze was fond and soft, it was the kind of look you have whenever the sky looks pretty, or when a bird lands near you and sings a little song. Neither of you could break the look you shared, as neither of you could describe a bond that was apparently now formed with chocolate and pancakes. It was him who spoke up first: "Got room for more pancakes?". This question took you by surprise, but pancakes are always a welcome surprise. "Hell yeah, you can never have enough pancakes." - "I need more proof for that, but based on that sentence alone I can say that we may be soulmates, Y/N." You started laughing, as did he. "But why? What do you have in mind? Also, I'm surprised you still remember my name." His cheeks got a very apparent pink hue after your remark and you noticed how grossly you were endeared by this man. "Y/N... How could I forget..." he said with a low voice that made your heart flutter. "How could I forget someone who made me believe there was a banshee at my door for a solid minute!" He broke out in his loud and squeaky laughter as soon as he saw the pure offence and shock on your face, after he said that, because *that* was certainly not what you expected to hear.  "You're mean, oh my god!" you exclaimed but had to laugh, too. You guys needed two minutes to calm down again. The pink hue on his face was still there and you felt the rush of confidence in you. He noticed you looking at him and spoke up:

"Y/N... How could I forget someone who has made me smile on a day I didn't feel like smiling at all? I got the news my cook had to quit on the day we met. I thought this was the end for my café. But then, I met you, shortly after I got the news. And seeing you going from crying to happily munching on some chocolate despite having issues that made you cry in public in the first place... Seeing you forgetting your troubles with something so small as a chocolate bar. I don't know... I felt hopeful for some reason. And I love this feeling. And, god... I really hoped you'd take my advice and come here to have my pancakes! (he chuckled) But I have to admit something... I so regretted not asking for your number. For the past week I jumped through the kitchen door everytime a customer came in...". You were pretty sure your heart was soon gonna explode through your chest. He hid his face with his hands and sighed. "I'm not like this at all~" he whined, before facing you again. "But... How about I make us some more pancakes now? And hash browns, if you like. I haven't had breakfast yet and well... I really want to make you pancakes. Can I?" His voice became thinner with each sentence he added, since he came shyer with each bit. You chuckled, in disbelief about how your rapidly beating heart became so calm, yet so full when this man told you he wanted to make you pancakes. No nervosity whatsoever, no second thoughts, nothing. An epiphany over pancakes... Who would have thought? This was safe. This was a safe place for both of you, and both of you felt it.

"A breakfast date then?"

"Breakfast date it is."

"I like the sound of that."

💕

epilogue:

-you two enter the kitchen after you insisted on watching him cook for you-

jk: hyu- oh, hi y/n! you guys know each other? ah hyung, i cleaned up everything and tidied up in the bureau. i'm sorry about earlier. (bows again and stands there shyly)

jin: (sighs very deeply) come here, you dodo.

the two of them shared a short but sweet hug, after which jungkook had a huge smile on his face again. jin and you shared a look and the same thought as you looked at jungkook after.

jin: jk, you wanna have pancakes with us?

jk: huh? yeah sure, i'm actually pretty hungry... (he smiles at you two) I'll go clean up inside real quick and prepare the table! yayy, pancake brunch with friends ☺️ (he leaves you two in the kitchen)

you turned to jin and smiled. "don't even start." he said quickly, while he started getting the ingredients out. "AWWW~~" - "NOOO!"

-the end-

[myrrheart]

How would the six react to the MC getting kidnapped? Or just Muriel, Julian, and Lucio if six is too many?

Main 6 is perfectly fine!! Thanks for sending something in~ ↖(^ω^)↗

Nadia

Beside herself with worry. She can’t eat, drink, or sleep properly until you’re safe in her arms.

Maybe a bit of a cliche, but she DOES send out the largest & most well-trained search party available.

The thing most people forget to mention is that she’s the one leading the party.

At the front of the pack at all times, she is out scouring the city, the forest, the surrounding lands, even going as far as to search in-coming and out-going vessels at the port.

When she finally has you in her arms, she’s never letting go. She might go on a mild spiral, blaming herself for not finding you sooner, for letting you disappear in the first place, but it’s nothing some TLC can’t fix. You both are relieved of any and all duties for the rest of the week to recoup as much as possible. (Needless to say, it’s greatly appreciated.)

Asra

Obviously he has no room to judge you for staying out past the time you said you’d be home, but it’s getting late and he’s concerned.

When you don’t come home the next morning, he knows something is wrong.

Seeks guidance the only way he feels is right, by asking the Magician what to do. The question he receives right back: “What did you teach them?”

Of course! How could he have been so blind? In the event that anything ever happened to you, he’d always taught you how to mark your tracks with runes. He spreads his magic far and wide before locating the familiar feel of the runes and follows them, leading him right to you.

After that, he’s never letting you out of his sight — at least, not for the first couple of days. It takes a while to assure him that you won’t ever disappear like that ever again.

He’s still insistent on staying more connected, so the two of you agree on casting a soul bond spell. (Tbh, the two of you have been thinking it over in the first place. Now you’re closer than ever. And you couldn’t ask for more!)

Julian

Loses his goddamned fucking mind

Spends at least an hour running wildly all over the city like a headless chicken without telling anyone why or what’s going on

Eventually, Portia has to wrangle him into going to Mazelinka’s and explaining to them all what’s happening.

He ends up breaking down and blaming himself for letting you slip away from him yet again

Doesn’t really recover from this train of thought until you’re found. And even once you’re real and in front of him and Not Going Anywhere, he drops to his knees on the ground and begs for your forgiveness.

You have to assure him that it’s not necessary and that you don’t blame him—you’re actually struck down to your core at how relentlessly he worked to find you against all odds. It makes your heart squeeze in your chest, knowing that he loves you that much.

He’s baffled that you even thank him for it. “A world without you in it is no world at all, my dear.”

Muriel

He genuinely does not know what to do at first.

He goes to Asra — he’s the only other person that loves you as much as Muriel himself does.

This is the first time he’s felt real, raw, gutclenching fear since he’d been half his own size and too big to even sleep underneath the docks at night.

It’s strange. He almost knows exactly where to go to look for clues, pick up a trail; it’s like he’s got a sixth sense when it comes to you, which speaks volumes, considering he’s always struggled with interpersonal relationships.

When he finds you...to see that you’re okay, that you’re still here...that you haven’t left him...that even after all that time apart in Gods know where, you still held onto your pouch of myrrh...

It puts everything into a new light for him. He will never, ever take your presence for granted again. And every day, he will make sure to be a little gentler, a little kinder, a little less prickly, because he doesn’t know when a moment spent with you could be his last.

Portia

Well! Somebody’s getting an ass-whooping

Literally. She gets a little unhinged

I mean yes she’s worried! Yes she’s terribly concerned for your wellbeing and she cries and frets and stresses and the whole nine yards of distraught-and-bereaved-partner!

But like also... she’s pissed that someone thinks it’s okay to not only fuck with you, but to assume that you won’t have someone who is capable and willing of getting you right back.

When you’re reunited she hugs you so tight you feel like your eyes might pop out of their sockets. (It’s also the best and most wonderful form of contact you’ve ever experienced from anyone ever before.)

After 5 minutes of breathlessly ranting about all the adventures and drama that went on in the journey to rescue you, she promptly bursts into tears and buried herself into the crook of your neck.

“D-don’t you ever leave like that again! You hear me! Dont do it!! I’ll get Mazelinka to thwack you with The Spoon!!!”

You shiver at the thought of the dreaded Spoon, and vow to her never to disappear like that again.

Lucio

Somebody’s getting an ass-whooping pt. 2

This man was reared up in a war tribe, committed patricide via bare handed heart extraction, attempted matricide, and served as a mercenary. If you think the captor is getting out of this unscathed then well ... ?????

Honestly, nobody’s ever seen him apply himself so wholeheartedly (or at all, really) to a mission. For once, he’s serious. No games, no jokes, no cocky confidence.

It’s Time To Go Hunting.

He goes on foot and armed with only a spear, just like his mother. Nobody believes him when he says it’ll be faster that way.

Three days later, when he returns with you in one hand and the head of the perpetrator in the other, the palace is stunned into silence.

Now that you’re safe and sound by his side again, he immediately reverts back into his old needy, clingy, flirty self. It gives everyone whiplash.

Probably tells and re-tells the story of how he ‘oh so valiantly and heroically rescued his poor damsel in distress’ over and over, to the point where even you tell him to put a sock in it.

Even so, you’re secretly beside yourself at the fact that he’d come for you. Not only come—he’d hunted for you.

requests are open!

[sage-nebula]

🌟💙🌻☕️

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

You know, there was a time even very recently when I would have really struggled to come up with things. I’m going to make a longer post on this at some point in the next couple of days (probably Monday afternoon or evening) and so I won’t get into the whole spiel now, but I’ve been thinking a lot about thigs recently, and while there might be a couple factors to go into why I’ve been thinking and feeling this way, the point is that I’ve come to realize that the struggle I’ve had with finding things to like about myself is not a struggle that I should be having. There’s absolutely no reason for it. There’s no reason why I should refuse to see the good in myself.

So with that said, three things I like about myself are:

I’m smart. You know what? I am. Sure, I have a learning disability when it comes to mathematics, and there are certain things I don’t know, but even the smartest people in the world have things they don’t know. The point is, even setting aside my education, there are a lot of things I do know. And more importantly, when I don’t know something, I know how to learn it. I’m resourceful, I’m critical of my sources, I’m open-minded, and I can be clever, too. I’m of course not saying I’m a genius, but I am smart, and much more so than I’ve been giving myself credit for in recent years.

I’m compassionate, and do my best to be kind. Again, just like I wasn’t saying I’m a genius, I’m not saying I’m the sweetest or kindest person to walk the planet. In fact, I can be pretty sarcastic and biting at times. But my first instinct when meeting a stranger is to be kind to them (especially if they’re working some kind of customer service position). And I am compassionate; it’s not difficult for me to feel for others, often times even when they’ve wronged me. (For instance: When I was a kid my cousin erased my Pokémon Yellow file, which I had worked on for years, and saved it over it with her own. I only discovered this when I found the game cartridge in her room after she’d lied to me about having it. When I confronted her, she burst into tears, and even though I was still pretty upset about losing the team I’d spent years building up, I ended up comforting her because I felt bad that she was crying. I mean, this is a mild example of a thing that happened, but at the time it was a really big deal to me since I was only ten (she was nine), and so I think it still counts.) Just like it makes me feel good whenever I figure something out, I also feel good when I make others smile, or brighten their day somehow. I like that I’m able to do that.

I’m independent, and incredibly determined. While it’s absolutely true that a big chunk of my independent streak comes from my past traumas, as well as the fact that the combination of my independence and determination has gotten me in trouble a few times (in that I have an extremely hard time asking for help and thus have sometimes waited until it’s pretty much too late for others to help me), it’s also something that I still take pride in. I’ve lived on my own and supported myself since I was twenty-two years old. I own my own place, my own car, my own everything. I ride the financial struggle bus every single month (like, I’m legit always broke, there’s no getting around it lmao), and I struggle a lot in many areas of my life, but I’m still independent in every sense of the word, and even when there are times when I feel like giving up, I don’t. Or at least, I haven’t yet. I am filled with determination, and I do like that about myself, that no matter how many times I get knocked down, I continue to get back up, I continue to persist. I think that’s a good quality.

-

💙 what annoys you about some people?

Oh good, this gives me an opportunity to rant about something horrible I’ve noticed so many people doing in recent months. Everyone reading this? Consider this a PSA:

If you live in a suburban or urban area, there is NO GODDAMN REASON ON THIS PLANET TO HAVE YOUR BRIGHTS ON.

You have NO IDEA how horrible this is, and lately EVERYONE has been doing it! FREAKING EVERYONE!! I don’t understand it, I really don’t. There are lights everywhere. Obviously you have to have your normal headlights on, that’s basic, but there is absolutely no reason to use the high beams. Do you know what high beams are for? Do you? If not, let me tell you: High beams are for when you’re out in rural areas where there are no streetlights and it’s difficult to see very far ahead of you. You use high beams just in case there are deer, animals, or some other obstacles up ahead, so that you can have enough time to slow down. But even then, if you’re out in rural areas, you’re supposed to turn the high beams off if you see another car coming toward you on the other side of the road, or if you’re driving right behind someone. Even in rural areas, there are limits. But in a suburban or urban area? There is NO REASON to use them. You SHOULD NOT use them. Because if you use them, you’re blinding whoever is driving toward you, and you’re also blinding whoever you’re driving behind because your high beams shine right into their rearview and side mirrors and blind the ever loving fuck out of them.

And yet everyone. Is. Using. Their. High. Beams. Lately. And. I. Don’t. Know. Why.

But I also don’t care why because it’s blinding me every single goddamn night when I drive home from work. The worst part? Since it’s summer now the sun doesn’t set until around 9pm, and so when I drive home from work the sun is still out, so headlights aren’t really needed at all, and yet people still have their brights on anyway. Literally, I had to leave work an hour early on Friday because one of my reps came in sick and passed it on to me, so it was about 6pm when I was driving home, the sun was out enough so that headlights weren’t needed at all, and yet at least three people still blinded me with their high beams. Why? Why?! What godforsaken reason do you have to have your high beams on when the sun is out? I’ll tell you: NONE! There is NO REASON! STOP DOING IT!!

…

In conclusion, some people drive with their brights on in suburban / urban areas, even when the sun is out, and blind me while I’m trying to drive, and I really, really wish they would just knock it off, because it’s wholly unnecessary and also really horrible. Thank you.

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

If I could go for broke and change things on a cosmic scale?

I’d make it so that no one intentionally hurt each anyone else anymore. Look, it’s probably way too idealistic to assume that everyone could ever like each other. Even setting aside things like bigotry (which ideally I’d like to wipe out tbh) or whatever else, sometimes personalities just clash. It happens, you know, and that’s fine. No one has to like everyone else. There’s never going to be a law, cosmic or otherwise, that says that everyone has to like every other person they ever meet. If you dislike someone, that’s fine. That’s really fine, but just …Leave them alone. It’s fine to dislike people, but there’s no reason to hurt others for it. There’s no reason to hurt others, or infringe on their rights, or do anything else like that. You dislike someone? That’s fine. Leave them be. You go live your life, and let them live their lives, and never interact with each other ever. It’s really that simple, or at least, it should be. I’m not asking for a big world filled with sunshine and rainbows, I’m just asking for people to leave each other alone instead of hurting and killing each other. Stop threatening others, stop hurting others. You don’t have to be perfect or even wonderful, just be decent, that’s all I ask.So yeah, that would be step one. I’d make it so that no one intentionally hurt anyone else anymore. No more wonton violence or life ruining. None of that. Live and let live.(And btw, this also goes for things like child abuse, animal abuse, etc. No more abuse, no more murder, no more rape, et cetera. None of that. Cut it out, knock it off. If I can snap my fingers and it will be done, then this is done. No more pain like this. No more.)

Make it so that everyone has enough money to live comfortably, and no one is crushed under debt anymore. Again, this is a cosmic scale thing, right? I can snap my fingers and it’s done with no repercussions? Then this is step two. No more wondering how you’re going to get food for the week, or how you can even possibly think about paying your bills when you have those loan payments due. No one dying out on the streets because they’re homeless, no one forgoing medical care because they can’t afford it. I’m not saying everyone has to be billionaires, but just enough so that they can live a decent life with their families. Of course people will still have to work because we have things that need to be done (e.g. janitors and doctors are both very important for health reasons), but at the same time no one will have to worry about work and whether they’ll be able to feed their kids or pets. Everyone’s living a comfortable life, and anything they get on top of that is extra. (Or at the very least? Set everyone on the planet to a financial baseline and place of stability with a home and whatnot, and then maybe they’re not getting a free stream of cash from the ether, but also they’re starting at a place of comfort so what they earn from working can go into savings and stuff. Just wipe the slate clean and start everyone from a base again. I think that would work.)

… I want pokémon to be real. Look, if I can snap my fingers and make it happen … if I can make anything happen … then after I stop wonton violence from happening, and after I make sure everyone is taken care of financially, I should get to reward myself with a charizard. I feel like that’s fair. I did two good things for everyone else, and you know what, this also is good for everyone else, because nothing is stopping others from having pokémon, too. This benefits everyone, so there. It’s totally, 100% fair.

-

☕️ talk about your ideal day

Haha, it’s really simple, to be honest! I wake up feeling refreshed and content, if not happy. Have something tasty for breakfast, like cinnamon rolls, maybe. It’s a Saturday or a Sunday (preferably Saturday), so I don’t have to work, and the weather is nice so I can take Morgan on a nice walk. I don’t have any obligations, so I can spend the day playing video games, writing, or otherwise just relaxing. In the afternoon / evening I get to talk to my bff @severalbakuras for a few hours before she goes to bed, and I make something delicious for dinner. Pretty basic stuff, really! I don’t want very much. I just want to be able to relax and be happy.

[starboyholland]

Date Night

Requested: yep! Rating: PG-13 bc mild cursing, tbh this is 100% fluff Summary: it's been 2 years now and the team keeps asking where Baby goes every night and why they drop him off at a coffee shop after work and not at his apartment. Well, it's been 2 years now, and Baby is ready to show them why. //// The job was over. The sun was low in the sky, shadows running like wet paint off of every surface and Baby pulled one earbud out of his ear, stepping out of the car that he'd been driving, allowing Buddy to sit in the driver's seat now that it was his turn to leave for the evening. He waved subtly to the team and began to walk across the street to the coffee shop where you worked when Darling's window rolled down and she spoke with slight concern. "Hey, kid, why don't we drop you off at home anymore? Everything okay, with your dad and everything?" He nodded again to signal everything was fine and began to walk away again when once again he was stopped. "Baby, why are you going to a coffee shop that's about to close?" She asked, and Baby saw the lights flicker off in the building, the bell on the door jingle and the lock twist shut. It was your job to close up tonight and that's just what you were doing, he watched you take your hair out of its pony tail and run your hands through it, looking around because your boyfriend Baby had committed to meeting you here after work. He watched as you reached your hands intocyour bag that was slung over one shoulder, probably looking for your phone. He'd call to you, but the team hadn't met you yet and he figured that this wasn't the right time, then again there may never be a right time to introduce his dream girl to his coworkers. "We're like family, Baby, you can tell us," she pleaded, and Baby, wanted Darling to let the subject drop so he could go to his girlfriend to avoid her thinking even for a moment that he had forgotten her. He quietly agreed to tell them soon without thinking about it, and walked away, slightly jogging over to you, who hadn't seen him in the low light, the car had driven away before he reached you and he was glad, up until this point you had been his secret, hidden from the team and all of the things he'd had to do since he'd began working for Doc. You knew what he did, and like anyone who cared about Baby, you didn't like it. But you accepted it as a part of him and loved him anyway. "Hey, YN!" He greeted you and you turned to face him, glad he hadn't forgotten to meet you. "Hey, yourself," you replied and your hands found each other without either of you having to look. "How was work in there?" Baby asked as the two of you started the short walk to your apartment. "Crazy, I didn't have time to eat lunch," you laughed, your stomach growling as you mentioned it. Baby looked at you with slight concern, "you need to eat lunch, YN," he chided and you smiled, the two of you had had this conversation many times before, you didn't skip meals on purpose, not even close, you just got so caught up in the whirling torrent of people constantly in and out of the shop, that you forgot to feed yourself as well as them. "I know, I know, don't worry, I'll get something when we get home," Baby nodded, he loved it when you said things like "let's go home" it made his heart warm and beat even faster in his chest. It's been two years and you still made him react like it was a first date. "Good," he said, leaning onto you a bit to make you stumble slightly as a joke, you moved accordingly, used to him messing with you like this, your body leaning slightly to the side, you reciprocated his movements, nudging him slightly to the side and the two of you shared a quiet laugh, your hands still connected comfortably. "So how was work out here?" You asked, looking up at your boyfriend, you still loved hearing about his day or the music he was working on like it was the first time you'd ever heard him tell you. "It was alright, pretty standard, Doc gave me my cut, Darling and Buddy made out, Bats did that weird anti-capitalist rant he always does, and I listened to our mixtape in the car," he said with a smile at the bit about the mixtape he'd made of all the songs the two of you had bonded over. Every song on it had at least one memory the two of you shared tied to it. You'd asked about his coworkers before, and he'd answered all your questions without argument, but you knew that he hated to talk about work when he didn't need to so you didn't bring up anything too specific about it often. "Everything went okay, right? You didn't get hurt at all?" You always asked this, you knew the kind of people Baby got mixed up with every time he was called in and you couldn't deny it made you uneasy, but you also knew that Baby could really do nothing about it. "Everything went just fine, nobody got hurt," he reassured you, you nodded and relaxed, the two of you entered into your apartment building after you swiped your key at the front entrance. The two of you reached your apartment, stepping inside. Baby put on some soft music, you began making dinner for you and Baby, him sitting on the counter watching you boil water for the noodles. The two of you ate, and Baby looked slightly preoccupied. "Everything okay, love?" You questioned from your spot on the counter across from Baby, who was also seated on the counter. This had become your dinner tradition, the two of you eating together in the warmth of your slightly cramped kitchen, legs dangling. "Yeah, just thinkin'," he said with a smile. "What about?" "The team, they've been getting kinda suspicious of me asking to be dropped off so far from my house, Darling keeps asking if everything's okay, I hate to make her worry," he explained. You nodded in understanding as he spoke. "You gonna tell them where you go every night?" You smiled, thinking about how for the last two years, Baby had slept over at your place, at first he had been wary of leaving Joe, but his father assured him it was fine and Baby checked on him often, most times bringing you along to visit his dad. "Do you want me to tell them? About us?" You knew Baby had thought the pros and cons out a billion times. "It's up to you, Baby, I'm okay with whatever you choose," you said, and he nodded thoughtfully, taking your answer into consideration. ~ It'd been a few weeks since you and Baby had visited the subject of talking about you to the team, when you and Baby were out for dinner one night at a cheap Italian restaurant when you noticed a group of three adults spot Baby from across the room and walk over. "Baby, are these your friends?" You asked while they were still out of earshot, and Baby subtly looked to see his team walking over to your booth, the two of you sitting on the same side of the table. "Yes, ma'am, that would be the team," he replied. You nodded, a bit nervous as to what their intentions were. Your hand clutched his subconsciously under the table and he held your hand in his. "Don't worry, babe, they're alright," you nodded, knowing Baby wouldn't lie to you, especially not about potential danger. "Baby, who's this?" A beautiful woman in high heels said once she was within a comfortable distance of the table. She smiled, looking you over. Suddenly, compared to her outfit you felt slightly underdressed in what you were wearing, a hoodie that belonged to Baby, some leggings and a pair of sandals that had been laying by your door that had been convenient to pull on. "This is YN," Baby said, you could tell the two were comfortable with each other, the woman reached out her hand and. You reciprocated, shaking hands. "I'm Darling, it's my pleasure to meet you, YN," she grinned and you smiled back, watching two men make their way to the table. "Is this why you've been having us drop you off on the opposite side of town?" Darling asked with a knowing smile, Baby just nodded. "Don't think I've ever seen you without a pair of sunglasses, kid, and those damn earphones," one of them said and Darling rolled her eyes slightly but smiled. "YN, this is Buddy," she said, and you nodded, glad for Baby's reassuring arm around your waist. "And this is Bats," she said, motioning to the last of the three, who moved to sit down in the booth across from you and Baby. "Bats, you're so rude, don't ruin their date!" Darling chided and Bats seemed unbothered, simply replying "I think we've already interrupted whatever date they were having just by walking over," "Well, you heard him, mind if we barge in? I'm hungry," Buddy inquired, already moving to sit down next to Bats. Darling sat down last, still smiling at you. "So, YN, are you and the kid together?" She said, he arms on the table as she leaned forward with interest ever so slightly. You nodded shyly. "Are you as quiet as the kid always is? Because Jesus, being together must be like watching a silent movie all the time if you are," Buddy joked and you laughed slightly. "Ah, there's a real smile," he said. "So, what do you do, YN, are you still in school?" You answered her and added that you worked in the coffee shop down town. "So, Baby, you've been going to see this lovely lady after every job?" She said, and made an "aww" sound when Baby confirmed this to be true. "These damn teenagers and being in love," Buddy said, feigning annoyance with a smile showing through the facade. "So, how long have you too been together?" Darling inquired, you felt like you were meeting family for the first time, Darling practically radiating maternal waves. "Uh, for like what? Two years now?" Baby questioned, looking at you for confirmation. You nodded happily in agreement. "Kid, you kept this a secret for two years?" Darling questioned with surprise. "You can't be too shocked, when he's barely said 2 words to us in the time we've known him," Bats said and it was only them you noticed a waitress had walked up to your table with a pad open in her hand and a pencil tucked behind her ear. "Can I get you guys anything?" She questioned and you tried to hide your surprise when the team began ordering meals. "Not the dinner we had in mind," Baby said with a slight chuckle into your ear. Baby and you ordered a pasta to share and as the waitress was walking away Baby leaned over to whisper to you again. "Let me know if you want to leave," you squeezed his hand in confirmation you understood. "Hey, keep the dirty talk to a minimum, yeah?" Buddy joked, causing your face to get warm and Baby's cheeks to go pink. "Oh, hush," Darling scolded, the smile never leaving her face. Your food arrived after a few minuets of small talk and you and Baby ate together, every so often squeezing each other's hands under the table to make sure you were both doing alright. Bats and Buddy seemed much less on edge than Baby had described them,you could tell he felt the same by how relaxed he was. "So, you two are dating? How's the kid in the sack?" Buddy inquired with a deep laugh, you felt your face get hot as you leaned against Baby's chest, your head near his shoulder. Baby had rolled his eyes but his face was pinker than usual and he let out a laugh as well. "You're going to make them leave early!" Darling chided her lover with a hand to his shoulder. Bats asked you if you knew what they did together for work and you just nodded. "You tell her or did she find out?" He inquired to Baby, who truthfully answered that he'd told you as soon as he could. Bats nodded thoughtfully. "And you stayed?" He tried to cover up his genuine interest with a scoffing sort of laugh and you nodded without pause, smiling. You could feel Baby's chest rhythmically rising and falling beneath you. You and Darling had definitely gotten off on the right foot, the two of you felt like friends by the end of the evening, talking about everything from hair and makeup to books and movies, the entire table getting involved to talk about music, especially Baby, who naturally had opinions on every genre any of you could think of. The time had flown by and by the time the restaurant was ready to close and all the stragglers had spilled into the street outside, the five of you had become closer to friends than ever, Darling had typed her number into your phone and had instructed you to keep in touch. When you and Baby had said you were going to call it a night and go home, Darling wrapped her arms around you and spoke softly into your ear. "The kid is lucky to have you, I can tell how much better his life is with you in it, you can call on us for anything okay?" You nodded with a smile. "Thank you, I'm so glad that you're with him, I can tell he cares about you a lot," you said truthfully and she smiled. "We all love the kid, it's just a natural response," she joked so that everyone could hear her. Bats and Buddy pretended to deny it but you could tell that they agreed. Baby and you began the walk home hand in hand as always in the cool evening air after parting ways with the team. "I'm glad you have them, to look out for you," you confessed to Baby once you were out of earshot. "Me too," he said. "And even more glad to have you."

[amirosebooks]

Tagged in a thing

Tagged by: @procasdeanating

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

1. Coke or Pepsi: Mexican coke 2. Disney or Dreamworks: Disney 3. Coffee or Tea: Tea or flavored coffee 4. Books or Movies: Depends on what I’m looking for 5. Windows or Mac: I like them both, but my current computer is a Mac 6. DC or Marvel: DC 7. Xbox or Playstation: Eh, they both have their pros and cons. We have an Xbox right now. 8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: I love futuristic stuff and the name of The Geth villains (or whatever) in Mass Effect is one of my favorites ever (I don’t know why, it’s just pretty), but I think I’d enjoy playing Dragon Age more. 9. Night Owl or Early Rise: A night owl that has to get up at 4:30am everyday because adulting is bullshit 10. Cards or Chess: Cards 11. Chocolate or Vanilla: Dark Chocolate 12. Vans or Converse: converse 13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: Who in the fuck? 14. Fluff or Angst: BOTH. TOGETHER. OFTEN. 15. Beach or Forest: Both, both is good. (I’m from Northern California, I’m used to beaches having the woods dusted up along the shoreline.) 16. Dogs or Cats: Kitties 17. Clear Skies or Rain: Raaaaaain. 18. Cooking or Eating Out: I like food. If I have to make it, it can be fun, if someone else makes it that’s cool too. 19. Spicy Food or Mild Food: Spicy 20. Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas: Halloween. 21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: Too cold, for sure. 22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? The power to duplicate myself at will (usually used to freak people the fuck out or intimidate them). 23. Animation or Live Action: Live Action. 24. Paragon or Renegade: What? 25. Baths or Showers: I like both 26. Team Cap or Team Iron Man: Team Cap, but Iron Man did have good points. CAN’T YOU JUST GET ALONG?! 27. Fantasy or Sci-Fi: Sci-Fi, but I like Urban Fantasy a lot more than hard edged either of those genres tbh. 28. Do you have three or four favourite quotes? If so, what are they: ♠ "If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I will write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always. I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you." —Henry Rollins (I believe this was in his book Black Coffee Blues, but it’s been years since I’ve read it.) ♠ “Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.” — Bruce Lee, from this interview ♠ “... and I shambled after as I’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!’” — Jack Kerouac, On The Road (I just bought the kindle version of this because I love the quote cut exactly like this, and the internet tends to chop it up otherwise.) ♠ “Real life seeks the gentle slopes at the back of Mount Improbable, while creationists are blind to all but the daunting precipice at the front.” — Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion There you go, four quotes that I’ve thought about getting tattooed on my skin in one way or another over the last fifteen years or so. 29. YouTube or Netflix: Netflix, but I really do love both 30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: Harry Potter 31. When You Feel Accomplished: When I’m writing a lot. When I’ve checked off my to-do list. When I’ve made my husband genuinely smile. 32. Star Wars or Star Trek: I CAN’T CHOOSE. Star Trek: The Original Series. THERE ARE YOU HAPPY? 33. Paperback Books or Hardback Books: Paperback all the way, but I read on kindle 98% of the time these days. 34. Handwriting or Typing: Depends on what I’m trying to do. Sometimes my words flow best by hand and ink, other times I need to click them out on my laptop. 35. Velvet or Satin: Eh, I don’t really care. 36. Video Games or Movies: Movies. 37. Would you rather be the dragon or own the dragon? Own a dragon, but just a little one. Like the size of a housecat. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. 38. Sunrise or sunset: Sunset because of the colors in the sky and the stars coming out to say hello 39. What’s your favourite song? Goddammit... “Devil’s Dance Floor” by Flogging Molly. I’m almost always in the mood to hear it and it always makes me smile. 40. Horror Movies yes or no: Yes, definitely yes, especially if it’s October. 41. Long hair or short hair: I like my hair long enough to hide behind 42. Opera or Theatre: Theatre 43. Assuming the multiverse theory is true and every story ever told has really happened somewhere, which one of the movie/book/tv show/game/etc worlds would you pick to travel to first? Oooo. My first instinct is to say one of these: X-Files, Fringe, Torchwood, Supernatural, Wynonna Earp, Lost Girl or Warehouse 13, but the fun in those would be being part of the “in the know about the weird shit” people, so as long as I can be one of those and get to shoot a gun and play with knives and maybe a badge I’d honestly be down for any of them. (Like I said earlier in this, urban fantasy is my jam.) 44: If you had to eat only one thing for the rest of your life what would it be? Carnitas plate from those Mexican restaurants we get here on the west coast where there’s always a slightly different name on the building but they all pretty much make the same food and have the same menu. 45: Older guys or young guys? Older... I guess, if I had to. Older women, for sure, but dudes... eh, that’s harder. Not younger for sure though. (By younger I mean, like, several years younger than me.) 46: If you could have a night with any fictional character doing whatever you wanted … who? Omg, thinking about potential answers to this is actually embarrassing... Uhh, Mulder and Scully (fuck you, I get two characters) just listening to them rant about whatever off the wall bullshit monster they’re looking for that week? 47: Singing or dancing? Singing 48: No internet for the rest of your life or your favourite show/book/game/whatever has an end so terrible it’s only aired once and never spoken of again? Bad ending tbh. Endings are hard and tv shows never seem to please everyone so, eh. 49: Your favourite TV show gets cancelled before an actual end or the end is just totally crappy/horrible, and you’re distraught for the rest of your life. See: Almost Human with the first part of that question 50. A movie/book/TV show that changed your life. Touch & Geaux by Abigail Roux because it 1) completely changes the rest of the six books before it in the series and 2) made me realize just what books could do and 3) inspire me to start writing. 51. Do you prefer to drive or ride in cars? I prefer to drive and I like to do it with the music turned up loud.

Tagging: @malady579 ; @authorwrightnow ; @nickyoflaherty ; @ngpeltier ; @larchwood ; @morningstarcas and whoever sees this and wants to do the thing

[hoe-imaginess]

An illness?? Are you okay hun? Obviously no, but I hope you're not overexerting yourself with the blog. Being sick is hard and if you need to take even a WEEK break then there's no harm in that. Love you

under the cut bc some mention of sensitive material

@purple-possibilities So I don’t want to make this a sob story but I kind of want to explain, to you, and my other followers, what’s going on (I’m in no way trying to brush you off though fam, I appreciate you sending this. This almost made me cry. Thank you for sending this)

I’ve always known I have a bad problem with anxiety. Every school year for the past like 3?? 4 years?? I skip the first few classes/days of class at the beginning of the semester bc I’m too afraid to walk into the classroom and meet new people. It’s stupid but hey, that’s me. It’s gotten better over the years, but my junior year of high school, I had some very shitty, toxic friends who ended up really fucking me over and I had sooo much anxiety and was always sad and that’s when my “illness” started. Without going into too much nasty detail, I get severe migraines and then get nosebleeds. Not mild, little nosebleeds either. This shit last for hours and sometimes days, like throughout the night too. And in general I’m very lethargic and can’t get out of bed for hours and god it sucks. I’ve seen ENT’s, neurologists, oncologists, etc, and none of them can figure it out. All they’ve really concluded is that stress is a feasible cause to whatever is going on. And I know that’s true now, because once I was over that awful friendship and the shit they did to me, the illness kind of went away. It’s back now though and it really sucks. 

What sucks even more though, is that I can’t really see therapists tbh. My family are the “Do yoga and drinks lots of water. Eat good food. Join some clubs in school. Be active. That’ll get rid of anxiety/your bad feelings” type of people. I’m p sure my family doesn’t think depression is a thing lol. Even when I was crying my eyes out everyday for weeks, my mom just told me I needed to “help myself” by getting over it. 

Three therapists in the last few years have told me that I’m showing blatant signs of depression/anxiety, heavy on the anxiety side, and every time, my mom subsequently tells me she doesn’t “trust” the therapist’s advice and we kind of stop seeing them lmao. My family is like that. Which also means I’m unable to acquire any pills or treatment for it, no matter how hard I try to convince them. 

As for depression though, I’ve never been able to accept that I might have it? I have lots of good days in the middle of the bad days so I just always thought it wasn’t fair to call it depression because I didn’t think that’s what I had. I just thought I was being dramatic, since that’s what my family always led me to believe. I saw a professor here on campus recently who also serves as a counselor, and we talked for a while, and he also told me I’m showing some pretty heavy signs of it and that I might want to make appointments to see an on-campus therapist. But idk. Mental illness isn’t a joke and I don’t ever want to assume I am mentally ill if I’m really not. Because that wouldn’t be fair, and, there’s not much I can do with that information given my family’s beliefs. I’ve struggled with that for years, and I’ve kind of gotten used to not having an outlet for my anxiety/depression (if I have that). That’s probably why I’m such a fuck up lol and don’t know how to handle these things, and always go on dumb rants on the blog. 

But, I believe you if you think I might be somewhat depressed, because you’ve been there and I’ve had other people tell me the same thing. I put in a request to see a therapist last week, but I just don’t know how that’s going to go. We’ll see. I appreciate you messaging me this though. It’s kind of an encouragement for me to seek out options that can help. I’ll also definitely take you up on that offer to stop in your messages sometime. Thank you so much

Oh and to my first anon, love you too trying not to over-exert myself. A few days resting helped a little. So don’t worry :)

[thepeculiarlifeofasherlocki-blog]

Day 1: Introductions

Hello there, reader!

This is my first out of (hopefully) 365 posts. My goal is to post one of these every day. This is going to be my online diary thing, I suppose. Basically I’m just going to rant about stuff that happened to me and how I’m feeling about things. If you’re not into that, you’re free to leave! I won’t blame you, this kind of thing isn’t for everyone. I personally love reading these diary things so if you’re still reading, you’re not alone! I guess I should start with introductions, no? My name’s Klarissa and I’m your everyday 15 y/o Swede with horrible self esteem issues. Swedes are supposed to be tall, blonde, beautiful and have blue eyes. I’m 170cm tall, have short black hair, am really quite ugly and have green eyes. Lovely.

Moving on! I have 3 adorable little cats. Their names are Julian, (Princess) Peach and Slatan (NOT like the football player!) and I treat them like my own children.

“Hey, are you coming out today?”

“Sorry mate, busy with the cats. You know how it is”

“Okay….”

That was horrible.

I have quite severe ADHD (I usually don’t take my medicine though. It makes me sweat a lot and feel like I have to poop CONSTANTLY!!) as well as very very mild Aspergers. Aaaah! Autism! Scary! It’s really not. In my case it just makes me a little awkward at times, which most teenagers are anyway.

I’m a hyper extrovert (ENTP) who loves being around people. That said, I am a bit awkward. I talk really fast, stutter at times, ramble like you wouldn’t BELIEVE, am only moderately funny and can be quite exhausting to be around. Most of my friends I met outside of school. If they had to be around me constantly I think most of them would cry.

As you probably guessed from the name of this blog, I am a Sherlockian. For those who don’t know, this means that I watch (*cough* and obsess) over BBC’s “Sherlock”. If you haven’t watched it, DO IT! NOW! Trust me - you won’t regret it. I’m a proud TJLC believer as well as a “Lost Special” theory believer. If future Klarissa is reading this and the Lost Special was actually real; WAS IT GOOD?! PLEASE TELL ME IT WAS GOOD!

I read a lot of Johnlock fanfics and they really inspire me. Weird, I know. Whenever I read a fic I get super inspired and just want to write about the darkest corners of my soul or make a really cringy video in black and white with those little notes Amanda Todd style.

My hobbies include gaming (mostly RPG games such as Fallout or Dragon Age), theatre, going to the movies (Dunno if it can be considered a hobby but I go like once a week so I think it counts), making really shitty puns, laughing (I’ve been told I sound like a panicked seal) and just existing. Existing is pretty cool, tbh.

Let’s get into some serious shit, ey? I was suicidal for a couple of years, was sexually abused for a year by a paedophile, have horrible self esteem, self harm on a regular basis (I don’t cut though, I do other things that don’t leave any scars) and am just generally filled up by self hate at all times. Doesn’t that sound great? What I want to accomplish with this blog is to build some self esteem. I realise that I have a problem and I’m doing everything in my power to fix it, in my own way. Sorry if that scared you off. This entire thing won’t be about my deep self hate, but rather about fun little things that happened to me during the day or things I find interesting. My goal is to entertain you as well as make myself feel better!

That’s about it, I think. Glad we know eachother a little better now :)

I’ll see you tomorrow!

With love, Klarissa