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nadja-antipaxos · 2 years

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CAN’T MAKE YOU HAPPIER NOW - THREE

Previously - Two || Masterlist || Next - Four

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: reference to domestic abuse though nothing happens, drug use, smoking, swearing, sex (PIV, fingering, oral - female receiving), casual racism from Caroline.

Note: Thank you for the wonderful responses to this fic. I truly appreciate it. Please leave comments if you so desire. It fuels my writing. The Cut graphic by me. This chapter covers the end of 1x07-1x10. Lyrics quoted from "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. Hindi translations: beta means "son" and "laadali" means "dear one/apple of my eye"Nisha's green dress for Shiv's party here. Nisha's dress for Shiv's wedding here.

Word Count: 9,326

3 years ago

“Nisha!” Kendall yelled after her as she ran into their bedroom. She was faster than him. She locked it right as he grabbed the doorknob. Her heart was pounding against her ribs. Cocaine on her children’s iPads. No. No. Absolutely not. She threw them on the cold tile of the shower and watched the glass splinter into little shards. They were not going to touch them now.

“Nisha!” His fist pounded against the door and she could hear the blood rushing in her ears.

She didn’t know how long that was going to hold, but she knew how to think fast under pressure. She ripped open every drawer and opened every closet. She dug and dug until she found the little bags stuffed amongst the clothes, in her heels, and even a small vial in one of her jewelry boxes. How many were there? Six, she counted six. She found two more before he got the door open. Her hands were shaking as she held them. She bolted to the bathroom and threw them into the toilet.

“No! No! No! No! No!”

Without hesitating, she flushed them down.

“Fuck!” Kendall kicked the cabinet. “Goddamn it, Nisha.”

He frantically searched their room. He checked every hiding place. They were empty. She watched him scramble and retrace every one of her steps. He was too overwhelmed to notice her following him. He checked one more spot—inside one of her autumn handbags she hadn’t used in ages. She shoved his shoulder and snatched it. He reached for her and nearly caught her ankle, but she made it to the bathroom. She opened it and let all the powder fall in the sink before turning the water on. His heart seized with panic. There was nothing left in the sink. He checked the toilet. It was all gone.

“Do you know what you’ve done?!” He finally looked at her.

“Yeah. I got rid of all your fucking coke.” She spat as the tears rolled down her face.

“Why the fuck would you do that?”

“Their iPads, Kendall? My things? You brought that shit into our home. Our bedroom?”

He moved towards her and immediately, she covered her face with her hands. She turned away and braced herself. She waited. Her heart was beating so fast her chest hurt. Still, she didn’t move.

“You—You—” His voice cracked. “You think I’m gonna hit you?”

“There’s a first time for everything.” She kept her eyes closed. Waiting. Her mind raced thinking of an exit plan. Waiting. Depending on where, how could she get out of the bathroom? Waiting.

His guttural sobs made her open her eyes. He clutched onto her legs as his body shuddered. He was crumpled at her feet. Fresh tears burned in her dark eyes.

“I-I would never hit you, Nisha. The fact you—” He had never felt so weak and pathetic. “I made you think…” He was cut off by his own cries.

Nisha sank to the floor. Kendall looked up at her with weepy eyes. He was shaking.

“I-I need help. Please help me.”

“W-We’ll get you help.” She wrapped her arms around him.

“I love you. I love you so much. I’m so sorry.”

Her throat was thick with emotion. She couldn’t speak, so she held on tighter.

The incessant vibrating of her phone on the nightstand wakes her up. Nisha’s never been a heavy sleeper, but once she had kids, she woke up at every noise. Her eyes open as she blindly gropes for the source.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Nishhhhhhhh.”

She closes her eyes and forces her brain to work. Is she still asleep? Is this one of those reoccurring nightmares that she’s had for the past three years? God, please let it be a nightmare. This cannot be happening. No. She thought she could trust him. He told her she could trust him.

“Niiiiiiisha. Nisha. Nisha.”

She licks her lips and turns the light on.

“Yes, Kendall?”

“You were right! I’m totally fucked up. Get Ramesh a medaaaal.”

White-hot rage settles in her stomach as she sits up. She wants to shake him. How fucking dare he do this to her?

“Who the fuck are you talking to?” She hears Roman’s voice. “Oh, fuck. Nisha.”

“Roman.”

“I, uh, was gonna call you tomorrow. It’s like 1 am, right? Fuck. Just shut up a minute, Kendall! Jesus!”

“Yeah. It’s 1 am. I didn’t even know he was in New Mexico.”

“Shit, well, he is. He—”

There’s a muffled sound coming over the speaker.

“Nish, this what you wanted, yeah? To know every fucking detail about my life?”

Her vision blurs with tears. She feels sick. She hugs her knees to her chest. There’s no point in talking to him right now.

“Goodnight, Kendall.” She ends the call and throws the phone across the room.

All alone in the dark in the middle of the night, Nisha sobs against the soft fabric of the duvet. What is she going to do now? She wants to scream. Rip him to pieces with her bare hands for making her life such a mess. For breaking every goddamn promise he made. Instead, she takes a few deep breaths and remembers the two children sleeping in their rooms. She’s not going to let them down. Even if she does hate every single atom in their father’s being.

When Kendall returns to New York, she doesn’t even try to call. She focuses on her work schedule and the kids. Why waste the energy? If he doesn’t want her help, she doesn’t need his. She talks to Shiv about her campaign. Gil is actually someone she would consider voting for and the fact he hates Logan so publicly is just a bonus. Nisha already RSVP’d with Kendall for the wedding, but Shiv secures separate rooms. She attends the bachelorette party like a good sister-in-law and pretends to have fun. Roman sends a few texts, but that’s about as far as that goes. Connor sends one text telling her the only one who can steal her joy is her which she promptly ignores. She’s already Hindu. She doesn’t need Instagram spun bullshit. Stewy texts her briefly until she tells him she isn’t really talking to Kendall.

The only good part of Kendall being on the outs with his dad is the fact that Nisha isn’t expected to visit Logan with the kids. It gives them more time with her mother and stepfather who are loving grandparents. Her mother might not be the best with physical affection, but she never treats them with anything less than respect. She was the one who figured out Iverson needed testing in the first place. Nisha doesn’t tell her family about the drugs, but they can tell things are worse than they were a few months ago.

A month passes and all of Kendall’s visits with the kids are supervised by her in a public place. No more weekends. No more sleepovers. No one-on-one conversations. Sophie runs after Iverson in the park when Kendall turns to Nisha.

“Wanna go to dinner after this?”

Instead of looking at him like he has three heads, she keeps her eyes on the children.

“No.”

He laughs, but she still doesn’t look. If she looks at him, she’ll end up clawing his eyes out and she’s wearing Dior.

“What happened to you?” He sniffs. “You used to be cool.”

“I had your children and grew the fuck up.” She shoves her hands in her pockets and walks over to Sophie. They need to get going anyway. There’s homework to be done and baths. She has to finish her deck for her newest client and look over some documents for Ramesh about which CDN they should acquire.

“Hey.” Kendall touches her shoulder as they walk back.

“What?” Nisha flinches and looks ahead at her kids.

“Look, I’m sorry about—”

“Save your breath. I really don’t wanna hear it.” She can tell he’s high right now and briskly picks up her pace.

When they get to the apartment, the kids hug Kendall before walking into the apartment. She’s about to go too when Kendall catches her by the elbow.

“What?” She doesn’t hide the aggravation in her voice.

“Nisha in New Mexico—that call—I was high. I didn’t—”

“You know what, Ken? I don’t really care. You don’t want me involved? Fine. I have to get dinner started.” She wriggles her arm away from his grip.

“Will you just let me fucking talk?” He sighs, irritated.

“Why? This is exhausting. You are exhausting.” She shuts the door in his face.

Maybe it’s because her husband is back on drugs and she’s not legally allowed to throttle him, Nisha finds herself up at 5 am every day in the workout room of the apartment. She runs either on the treadmill or the elliptical, does her yoga, and occasionally punches a punching bag. She’s on the elliptical when her phone goes off.

FUCKING ASSHOLE (5:31 am)

Hey.

She is not in the mood, so she picks up her speed.

FUCKING ASSHOLE (5:32 am)

You working out?

Sophie must’ve told him. That’s the only way he’d know.

FUCKING ASSHOLE (5:33 am)

Can you let me in?

She huffs and stops for a moment to text him back. He’s here? What could he possibly want?

Nisha Asuri-Roy (5:33 am)

Use your keys.

FUCKING ASSHOLE (5:34 am)

This is important. Really. Promise.

Nisha hops off the elliptical and goes to the front door. Kendall’s standing there in a tailored grey blazer and some busy distressed t-shirt. He clearly has not slept and she remembers something about Tom’s bachelor party. A layer of scruff covers his face and she can see some grey mixed in. She ignores her first thought about how hot he looks and plays with the hem of her workout shirt. There are more important things to focus on. He’s been using. She looks at her watch and nods her head back to the apartment. It’s Saturday, so the kids won’t be up for a while. She has time to get him out of here. He follows her to the exercise room.

“So, what’s this? A bachelor party booty call?” She crosses her arms, pressing them into her chest. His eyes immediately fall to her newly exposed cleavage and she puts her hands on her hips.

“You used to love it when I fucked you high.” He shifts in place as he looks her over. She’s covered in sweat without any makeup on, so she doesn’t even know what he’s looking at.

“Yeah, when I was 22 and I thought your dick was the most amazing thing in the universe.” She rolls her eyes.

“It’s not?” Kendall smirks.

She’s not amused and moves to get back on the elliptical.

“Sandy Furness funded Stewy to get in on Waystar.”

She grips the arm and stumbles a bit. She turns around.

“What?”

“They wanna buy me out. Half a bil.”

She nods for him to continue.

“I said no.”

“Okay.”

“I wanna do a hostile takeover instead.”

Her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline.

“A bear hug?”

“Sandy agreed. I’d be CEO.”

Nisha blinks at him. She can’t believe it. Does he actually want to take down his dad like this? This was more aggressive than he’s ever been. It doesn’t feel like a move he’d make, but Logan has been making his life hell. Her wheels are already turning, but before she can get too excited, she has to ask.

“Why are you here?”

“I can’t be king without my queen.”

“Kendall…”

His thumbs brush over the thin fabric covering her hips. She sucks in a breath as he moves closer. She can smell cigarettes and alcohol on him. Fuck him for making that sexy. She needs to stay mad at him and ignore the heat traveling past her stomach.

“I promised you, Nisha. It’s been a long time, but it’s happening. I don’t—I can’t do this without you. I can’t.”

“Until it goes south and I’m the enemy.”

“My dad’s the enemy.”

“Ken, you pushed me away.”

“I know, baby. Let me make it up to you. Lemme give you everything you deserve.”

His forehead rests on hers. He’s breathing heavily and so is she. This is exhilarating. It’s everything she’s ever wanted with him. It’s everything they ever wanted. They lock eyes.

“Is this for real?”

“It is.”

“Last chance.”

“I know. I promise.” He nods and presses his mouth on hers in a searing kiss. Her fingers spread across the scruff on his jaw and she deepens the kiss immediately. She hates how easy she gave in. She hates him, but, god, she loves him just as much. It’s something she can’t explain or put into words. He’s intoxicating. He’s infuriating. He’s everything. Being caught in that whirlwind it’s just part of being with Kendall. Breathless flight until the wind gives out and it’s a free-fall back to Earth.

Nisha gasps as his thigh settles between her legs applying just the slightest pressure. He does it again just to hear that sound.

“Can I fuck you, baby?”

She grabs his shoulders and bites her lip when his hardness presses into her. Her hips grind down for some much-needed friction. He growls low in his throat.

“You want that, pretty girl? Want me to fuck you? Right here—right now?”

“Yes, Ken. Please.” She kisses him and wraps her arms around his neck.

He lifts her away from the equipment scrambling for a place. It’s not the most romantic or practical setting, but she’s tracing the distance between each freckle on his neck with her tongue, and he can’t wait. He sets her down on the yoga mat in front of the ballet barre mirror. She lifts her hips and he peels the tight pants off her legs. Her fingers unbuckle his belt and push the slacks down over his ass.

“Did King Kendall make an appearance at the party?” She smirks, pretending to be casual. She palms the front of his briefs and he groans.

“I don’t want anyone who isn’t you.” He sighs.

Her brow furrows as she looks up at him. He nods. He knew that since he was 22 struggling to fit in her extra long twin bed. She takes his face in her hands and kisses him. His hand slips into her underwear and sinks two fingers in. She whines his name and he can’t help the smirk growing on his face.

“That’s my girl.”

He flexes his fingers before pulling them out slowly.

“Fuck, Kendall.”

He shoves his briefs down and she opens her legs. He throws them over his shoulders and drives into her making them both gasp. He’s in so deep she can barely breathe. His hand finds her throat and gently turns her head to the mirror.

“Look at us, baby. Look how fucking good we are.”

She can’t help the moan that escapes her lips at the sight of their half-clothed, primal fuck. He’s right. They look so hot. It only makes her want him more. He leaves open-mouthed kisses on her neck wishing he could mark her up. She never lets him where people can see. Her eyes slip shut as he pounds into her harder feeling his pelvis rub that bundle of nerves with every thrust. Her nails dig into his blazer and she pushes her hips up clenching every time. He groans and she smiles. It’s amazing. He knows her body so well she’s already close. Kendall kisses her again and bites her full lower lip. The tension in his neck and his labored breathing lets her know he’s close too.

“God, Nish, you’re so fucking perfect.” His hand trails down to her lower stomach to feel himself inside her. He presses down with every snap of his hips. He moans. “Always taking me so well. You were made for me.”

She nods. “And you were made for me.”

The tiniest smile forms on his lips and their eyes meet. She spasms around him so suddenly it sets him off. He kisses her and swallows their sounds as they hit their peak together.

Their heavy breathing fills the room. He lifts her legs off his shoulders and she sighs feeling the ache settle in her calves. He pulls his briefs back on and just smiles at her. He has to kiss her again.

“I love you.”

“Me, too.”

“You love you too?”

She touches his face before getting on her feet. She grabs one of the Lysol wipes and cleans the yoga mat of any evidence. That’s the last thing she wants the maid to find. She steps back into her yoga pants knowing they’re going straight into the hamper.

“When’s the meeting?”

“8.”

“Use the shower in the master.”

“And shave?”

She shakes her head.

“Keep it.”

He shoots her an amused look that makes her roll her eyes.

“What about you?”

She tilts her head.

“You’re coming.”

She hides her surprise save for the slight lift of her eyebrows.

“We have 6 bathrooms.”

“Or you could join me and—“

“We’d never get to this meeting.”

Kendall walks with her into his closet and watches her flick through the hangers for a suit. His large hands settle on her hips.

“You dressing me?”

“Shower, you need to shower.”

Kendall sighs and goes into the bathroom. She laughs almost delirious. How is this even happening? She needs to get ready. It doesn’t take long.

Nisha puts on her earrings as Kendall zips up the back of her slate grey sheath dress. She catches his gaze in the mirror.

“Listen, you know Kate?”

“Your publicist?”

“Yeah. She said The Cut has a piece coming out about me and the guys.”

“Do you know what the angle is?”

“No. But look, your family isn’t exactly America’s sweethearts right now.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I just want the company protected. Cause it’s not just me, you know?”

“Right.”

“I had Rebecca draft a standard NDA. Just so they’re covered.”

Even if it’s a playful op-ed, she doesn’t need any bad press around it. Unlike the Roys, America doesn’t hate the Asuris and she wants to keep it that way. She turns to face him and places her hands on his chest.

“You understand, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Ramesh’ll kill you if anything happens to his stock price.”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“You ready?”

She straightens his tie and nods. He offers his open palm and she takes it. They pass Malaya in the kitchen.

“Good morning, Malaya.” Nisha smiles.

“Good morning, Mrs. Roy.” She looks at Kendall. “Mr. Roy.”

“The kids are still asleep and we have to step out. No more than—what—two hours max?”

Kendall nods.

“Did you want breakfast for when you return?”

“Oh, no. Thank you, Malaya. See you later.”

Kendall keeps hold of her hand until they have to get into the car. He gives the address. Nisha looks over at him. His hand squeezes her thigh. She almost asks how he’s still awake, but remembers the answer.

“Don’t think you have to sign whatever they put in front of you.”

“If you like the terms, I’ll sign. If you don’t, we leave.”

“We should try to renegotiate before walking out.”

“Your specialty.” He leans over and kisses her trailing his long fingers on her jaw. “But if you rip Sandy to shreds I can’t promise I’ll be able to keep my hands to myself.”

“Behave.” She nips at his pouty lower lip.

“I really want you to make me.” He whispers in her ear.

“Settle down, Roy Toy. Get your head in the game.” She smirks.

“Yes, mistress.”

She nudges his shoulder with her own.

When they stop, he gets out first and helps her out of the car. “Ready to takeover Waystar?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

She trails behind him as they move into the building. He calls Frank about something. She knows they’re doing VC stuff right now. She doesn’t trust Frank no matter what Kendall says. He’s spineless especially when it comes to Logan. Kendall opens the door for her and she walks in first. Kendall greets them and Nisha holds back a smirk at the shock on Stewy’s face.

“Gentlemen, I believe you know my wife Nisha.”

“I haven’t formally had the pleasure.” Sandy gets to his feet and offers his hand. “Sandy Furness.”

“Nisha Asuri-Roy.” She takes it and sits across from them. She nods. “Stewy.”

“Nisha.” He raises his eyebrows slightly.

Kendall takes his place next to her and Stewy rolls the pen to him along with the paperwork. He passes it to Nisha. She sets her purse on the table and pulls out her own folders.

“Since I’m not here in an official capacity and my family runs a very well-known company, you understand that I need you both to sign this NDA before we go forward, yes?” She hands the paperwork to them.

Sandy flips through it. “It only pertains to your presence regarding the bear hug?”

“Correct.” She crosses her legs. “Hostile takeovers can get nasty. I wouldn’t want a company that’s not involved to be affected just because of who my husband is.”

“Understandable,” Sandy murmurs.

“As a shareholder in that company, I appreciate your discretion.” Stewy smirks.

“Of course. I don’t want you to lose a house.” Nisha folds her hands in her lap.

“Based on your reputation, your insight will be valuable regardless if you take credit for it.” Sandy signs his name.

Kendall’s hazel eyes rake over her slowly. It’s a look she’s seen many times when he watches her work. Pride mixed with lust. She looks over at him briefly and raises her eyebrows trying to telepathically tell him he can’t fuck her on this table.

Once her paperwork is signed by everyone, she and Kendall look over Sandy and Stewy’s terms. Nisha suggests all three parties need to agree on all planning as well as media statements. Since they’re already in bed together, Kendall is the odd man out. He’s also the one assuming the greatest personal risk since it’s his family. She suggests a flexible exit clause because if not, they will be fighting two fronts. It’s a waste of resources when they know Logan won’t be easy to take down. She doesn’t want Kendall getting fucked if Stewy or Sandy decides to go rogue. She may enjoy Stewy, but she trusts him as far as she can throw him. Sandy agrees. Just like he promised, Kendall doesn’t sign until the paperwork is to her liking. He floats some strategies as well as weak points of Logan’s.

Instinctively, Nisha presses her legs together at the sound of his deep, gravelly voice speaking with such authority and knowledge. Stewy catches her eye. Their Kendall is back in his element. With the suggested changes, it takes a little over an hour until the paperwork is finalized. They part ways with a game plan.

In the car, Kendall doesn’t take his eyes off her. His hazel eyes are mostly black from how blown his pupils are. She can feel the heat rising on the back of her neck.

“We should stop at mine first. So I can change.” His gaze is locked on her thighs.

“Of course.” Nisha nods. Malaya isn’t expecting them for another hour.

When they get back in the car, she tugs her dress over her stinging thighs where fresh bruises blooming in between them. They match the ones she left on his chest and shoulder. His large hand moves down her neck to her collarbone leaving goosebumps in its wake.

“Your skin is perfect.” He kisses the spot behind her ear. She sighs, knowing he got high in the bathroom while she was getting dressed.

“Ken.”

“Hm?”

“The drugs. You can’t do them in the house.”

“I wasn’t—“ Kendall’s breathing hitches.

“I’m not trying to start a fight. Just listen, please.”

He nods.

“If you want to get high, I can’t stop you. Just keep it out of my house and away from the kids, okay?”

Kendall clears his throat. He hadn’t expected that. He doesn’t know what to say. Her eyes are locked onto him.

“Do we have an understanding?”

“Y-Yes.” Kendall swallows hard.

“Good. You can move back in when you’re sober. When all this is done.” She looks out the window and rubs her neck. She hates compromising about this. She wants him sober now. To say he never wants to touch the shit ever again because she and the kids are all he needs. That he would realize what he’s always been looking for has already been found and it’s his for the taking—if he would just accept it.

Kendall reaches for her hand and she laces their fingers together.

“We’re not a team when you’re not…you. And you can’t be an effective CEO if you’re high.”

“I know.” He kisses the back of her hand.

Malaya is dismissed when they get home. They spend the entire day with the kids reminding Nisha of what her life was like 3 years ago. Iverson and Sophie enjoy it and thankfully don’t question it. They play video games and a round of Apples to Apples which is Sophie’s favorite. When Kendall dozes off on the couch with Iverson due to his all-nighter, Nisha takes Sophie with her to pick up pizza for dinner. The kids want to watch Star Wars: A New Hope, but Iverson falls asleep on his dad’s chest when Alderaan gets blown up. Kendall carries him to bed. Sophie insists on watching until R2D2 rescues them from the trash compactor before Nisha can get her off to her room.

Nisha sits back down on the couch and rests her elbows on her knees. His eyes are back on the television. There’s a lot she wants to say but doesn’t know how. This morning when she got up she wanted nothing to do with him and an hour later they were having sex. She licks her lips and pulls her upper lip between her teeth. He finally notices her staring and puts his hand on her back.

“I don’t…”

He lifts his hand and she shakes her head. He leans forward on his knees.

“Please don’t…” Break me? Throw me away? Forget you love me?

He takes a deep breath. She finally looks at him. The tears burn in her dark eyes and she purses her lips trying to hold back everything she feels.

“I can’t keep doing this. It’s not good for anyone, especially the kids. All the back and forth. They need stability. This isn’t a revolving door. I can’t lose you again.”

“You won’t.”

“Otherwise, I’m gone. I mean it, Kendall.”

“I know.”

She sighs and lets him pull her into his arms. She takes a deep breath and rests her head on his shoulder while the weight of him settles around her.

Kendall doesn’t spend the night to avoid confusing the kids. He gives her a soft kiss before he leaves. Nisha goes to bed with a lot on her mind.

In the morning, Malaya returns to watch the children while Nisha meets up at her planned brunch with her brothers. Kapil stares at his quiche as Ramesh simmers about Kendall being back with their sister.

“Seriously, Nish, I don’t get the hold he has on you.”

“He-He doesn’t. I just love him. You love Priya.”

“Priya and I have normal problems like which school should Aisha and Raj go to or if we’re gonna let them get a dog. Not getting blasted in the press for illicit drugs and failed coups.”

“Did you see The Cut though?” Kapil perks up.

“Shut the fuck up, Kap.” Ramesh hisses.

“The writer wants to marry me.” Kapil continues with a smile. He shows off the article on his phone.

I'm Sorry But the Asuris are Seriously Hot and We Need to Talk About It.

By Mira Patel

Ramesh. The hottest CEO in the game. Nisha. The coolest boss bitch. Kapil. The genius behind your favorite wireless gadgets. I know Ramesh and Nisha are married and have families, but there's still time to convince Kapil to marry me!

Nisha tries her best not to laugh. She knows this is serious.

“This is different.”

“Yeah? How?”

Nisha takes a deep breath. Her brothers are solid, unlike the Roy siblings. They move as a united front. They’ve never betrayed each other. She knows they won’t tell anyone.

“Kendall’s planning a hostile takeover of Waystar. With Sandy Furness and Stewy Hosseini.”

“Holy fucking shit.” Kapil nearly laughs.

“And he wants me to help him. I had everyone sign an NDA. Don’t worry. You’re both gonna be fine.”

Ramesh may hate Kendall, but he hates Logan Roy more. There’s a spark in his eyes now.

“Think they can do it?”

“Yeah. Logan’s no longer fit to lead. Company’s suffering.”

“Hmm.” Ramesh runs his hands over his beard.

“Twirl your mustache a little more, Ramy.” Kapil teases.

“If I don’t see this through then what have I been doing for 17 years? Do you know how much better my whole life would be if Logan couldn’t torture Ken all the time?” Nisha leans forward and touches his hand. “Please, Ram. I need you to understand.”

Ramesh nods. “As long as you’re covered.”

“Yeah, I said, Shiva—“

“Not the company. You. If he’s a sinking ship, you’re not going down with him.”

“I’m covered.”

Ramesh lifts his mimosa.

“Then I pray for the swift demise of Logan Roy.”

They clink their glasses together.

“I can’t wait to see you make him eat shit.” Kapil sighs with a smile.

Kendall’s been true to his word keeping her involved in all the moves and doesn’t do drugs at her place. Things are tense, but he’s not pushing her away. When he gets too overwhelmed, he fucks out his frustrations instead of arguing and she doesn’t complain about that. She does mourn the many pairs of expensive underwear he’s torn though. He hasn’t replaced them yet like he said he would. But that’s the least of her worries.

The weekend of Shiv’s wedding, Kendall flies ahead and Nisha catches a later flight with the kids. They don’t need to be there longer than they have to and she’s never excited about going to England. The colonization of India left a bit of a bad taste in her mouth. Then there was the whole Lady Caroline of it all. Compared to his ex-wife, Logan practically treated her like a daughter. Her ladyship wasn’t ecstatic about her firstborn marrying one of those pesky independent Indians who couldn’t just stay happy under English rule. It’s one of the reasons Nisha went with the traditional red sari just to rub it in her soulless mother-in-law’s face.

Nisha arrives in the evening and the kids are wiped. She puts them to bed and lets them sleep off the jet lag. Unfortunately, by the time she gets to the cocktails, she runs into Caroline first.

“Always have to stand out, don’t you, Nisha?” Caroline looks over Nisha’s dark emerald chiffon dress with a lace bodice decorated in tasteful sequins. It has a simple scoop neckline and while the detail is beautiful, it’s not distracting. Maybe she should’ve gone with black or navy, but she’s really not drawing attention to herself. Her makeup and hair are simple along with her jewelry. But nothing she does will ever be good enough so she’s given up trying.

“Not hard to do in this crowd.” Nisha shrugs. “Rather homogenous.” All your friends and family are old and white, you shrew.

“I didn’t see the children. I hope Sophie isn’t getting too much sun.” Caroline sips her wine. Don’t let my granddaughter get too dark, savage.

“They’re exhausted. I’m sure you’ll see them in the morning.”

“Quite nice of my son to provide a separate jet for you three. Since you couldn’t join him.”

“I guess he wanted his wife and kids at his sister’s wedding.”

Caroline pauses and stares her down. She’s used to it at this point, but it does get tiring.

“Tom’s quite lucky, you know. Midwestern boy, normal life, and all that. Almost as spectacular a Cinderella story as yours. No one will ever beat such a fairytale. Coming from a single immigrant mother to marrying one of Harvard’s richest and most eligible bachelors.��

“And giving him two children and a relationship that’s lasted nearly two decades. We’re both very lucky.” Nisha knows if she keeps talking to this woman she will commit homicide, so she wishes her a lovely evening. She spies Shiv and walks over to her.

“Congratulations.” They hug. “The bride-to-be is looking very gorgeous.”

“Please, look at you. I’m so glad you made it.” Shiv looks stunning in her tight mauve dress with her strawberry blonde locks pinned up. “Kids in bed?”

“Yeah, completely out.”

“How long did you last before you wanted to stab the Wicked Bitch of the West in the eye?”

“About 30 seconds. Got to deal with some nice colorism about Sophie.”

“Jesus.”

“Made me feel right at home. Lemme know if you need me to keep the getaway car running.”

Shiv laughs and gives her another light hug before they break apart. She has plenty of other guests that need her attention more than her sister-in-law.

Nisha finally sees Kendall a sniffing mess walking out of the bathroom. She ignores the pit forming in her stomach as he approaches her. His pupils are massively dilated.

“Nish, where did you get this fucking dress?” His hands run over the bodice tracing the intricate design.

“Had it made.” She furrows her brow as he pulls her into him. She dusts the white power off his lapels.

“You look fucking amazing. I want you in this dress forever. And your legs—”

“Wow, okay, let’s settle down a bit.” She laughs and places her hand on his chest. “Good news. After how many years, your mom still thinks I married you for your money.”

Kendall huffs and pulls back his hands. “I can’t fight every battle for you, okay? My dad and Marcia are coming—“

“They are?”

“Yeah, so I got a lot on my fucking mind and don’t need you adding to it.” And he was being so nice.

“Ken, I know you’re antsy, but please, don’t take it out on me.”

“I’m antsy? Don’t think you’re inside my head. You don’t know everything—“

“Cool. Talk to you later.” Nisha pats him on the shoulder and walks away.

She talks to Roman, meets Gil, endures awkward compliments from Greg, and gets introduced to Tom’s parents. She needs a refill when Stewy finds her.

“That’s some dress.”

“Thanks.” She looks over his black suit and crisp white dress shirt.“You and Ken decided to match? That’s so cute.”

“Headed to the bar?”

“Yep.”

“Want company?”

“Why not?”

Stewy grabs them two glasses of white wine. Before he can say anything, Logan Roy walks into the room.

“We should say hi.” Stewy downs his wine and sets the glass on the bar.

“Do we have to?” Nisha pouts.

“Okay, that face is adorable.” Stewy points at her. “But yeah, let’s see how the miracle man got here all the way from New York.”

“Stewy…” Nisha whines as he guides her by the small of her back. She hasn’t actually had to see Logan in two months and it’s been great.

Stewy shakes his hand and chatters about work and Gil. Marcia smiles at Nisha who smiles back.

“I love this dress,” Marcia says sincerely.

“Thank you. How do you manage to look this sexy after a long flight?” Nisha chuckles and kisses her on the cheek. Marcia is one of the most gorgeous people she’s ever met. Her signature red lip is always immaculate.

“Oh, hush.” Marcia shakes her head.

“You look beautiful as always.” Logan touches Nisha’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Logan. I’m so glad you’re feeling better.” She lets him give her a limp hug.

He spies Kendall across the room and excuses himself. Marcia hangs back to talk to Nisha and Stewy, but they all stare as Logan approaches Kendall. She tells them of how much better he’s feeling and how happy it made them to make the wedding. Nisha goes along with this line of bullshit. Stewy’s eyes dart from Kendall and Logan back to Nisha. Two of his fingers tap between her shoulder blades and she realizes she’s holding her breath.

“It’s not good for a father and son to keep fighting.” Marcia comments.

“Mmm.” Nisha doesn’t look at Stewy. She knows Marcia is watching and going to report back to Logan.

“The children are sleeping?”

“Yeah, 10-hour flight. 3-hour drive. Didn’t stand a chance.”

“I hope I can see them tomorrow.”

“Of course.”

Stewy leaves Nisha to go mingle. She has a feeling he’s hunting down Kendall to see what just happened.

“I know things with Kendall have been…uneven. But you are strong.” Marcia nods.

“Thank you. I’ll let you get to your room. I know today has been very busy for you.” Nisha sighs.

“Goodnight, Nisha.”

“Goodnight, Marcia.”

Nisha’s already in the room when Stewy has Jess bring Kendall in. She shoots her an apologetic look. It’s not easy being Kendall’s assistant.

“What’s going on?” Kendall looks between Stewy and Nisha.

“I just got here.” Nisha puts her hands on her hips.

Stewy lets Sandy talk over the speakerphone. Nisha tries her best to keep a poker face at the fact Kendall told Frank. If she had been here, that never would’ve happened because she would’ve locked him in a closet. Stewy looks at her and she plays with her earrings. Things are being accelerated to tomorrow instead of the 19th because Kendall couldn’t keep his mouth shut.

“Just keep me in the loop about the letter,” Nisha says before leaving.

She drinks some more wine because fuck, it is really good, and heads up to her room an hour later. Kendall slinks in while she’s getting ready for bed.

“I’m sorry, Nish.”

She shrugs and unpins her black hair. She shakes it out and ignores the way Kendall’s looking at her. Instead, she grabs a makeup wipe and cleans her face. She’s tired. She doesn’t want to fight. He slips his arms around her hips from behind. She sighs. She’s not in the mood for that either. They’re not stupid kids anymore. She removes her earrings and kicks off her heels.

“Need help with the dress?” He places a kiss on the back of her neck.

She rolls her eyes and he doesn’t notice.

“Wanna anger my racist ancestors and fuck in their castle?” He raises his eyebrows.

She does laugh at that which makes him smile.

“Too bad we don’t have the strap on.”

He laughs and kisses the back of her ear.

“Would you settle for riding me?”

She doesn’t answer and fusses with the clasp at her neck instead. Kendall undoes it gently and pulls the zipper down her back. He presses his mouth against the base of her spine and she closes her eyes.

“Ken, don’t you have calls to make?”

He tugs the dress down her legs and she steps out of it. He lets out a low whistle at the sight of her in black lace lingerie set complete with stockings. He lifts her and places her on the bed.

“I’m still mad at you. Fucking Frank? I can’t believe—”

“I know. Gonna show you how sorry I am.” His deep voice is low and immediately makes her press her legs together. “Can I do that, pretty baby?”

“Y-Yes.”

He kisses a spot behind her knee before unclipping her stockings. “These are fucking unfair.”

“I didn’t buy them for you.”

He pauses and gives her a look.

“Okay, not just for you. I like them.”

“I love them.” His large hands peel them off her legs. “But right now they’re in my way.”

He removes her underwear and kneels at the edge of the bed. His mouth moves from the top of her thigh down to her ankle in soft kisses before switching to the other leg. His nose brushes her inner thigh and she lets out a sigh of frustration. She can feel his breath on her center. She opens her mouth to remind him he’s supposed to be apologizing when she feels his lips. Just breezing over her skin and making her close her eyes.

Her heartbeat picks up speed as he slowly devours her. She gasps at how quickly the soles of her feet are tingling. She’s his favorite instrument and he plays her perfectly.

“Ken.”

His hazel eyes flicker up towards hers with the smuggest look on his face. He places his hands on the bed and dives further in seeking further penance with his lips and tongue. She grabs his dark hair and bucks her hips. His arm rests on her stomach holding her in place as he takes her apart. It’s too much. The pressure keeps building and building. Her heart is going to explode. Her chest tightens and she tugs on his hair. He shakes his head moving his mouth from side to side and she gasps. A violent wave of pleasure crashes over her as she trembles. He keeps going letting her ride it out on his face until she stills completely on the bed.

Kendall moves back looking very much like the cat who got the canary.

“You always taste so good.” He licks his already glistening lips savoring the taste.

“Fuck, Kendall.” She gulps in more air and slowly regains feeling in her legs.

He stands up and slips off his suit jacket. He unbuttons his crisp white shirt revealing that smattering of dark chest hair from below his collarbone to the center of his chest that’s impossible for her not to scrape her nails through. He unbuckles his belt and kicks off his slacks revealing how ready he is. She smiles unwilling to wait any longer and shoves down his black briefs. He tugs them the rest of the way off and gets on top of her.

Their mouths meet in a sloppy kiss and she can taste herself. He’s not wrong. She does taste good. One large hand snakes behind her back to unclasp her bra and toss it aside. Despite any insecurities she might’ve felt growing up, he thinks the modest size of her breasts is perfect. He loves covering them with his big hands and taking them in his mouth. But before he can do any of this, she flips him. He looks up at her, amused. After all, he said she could ride him.

She takes him in hand giving a few strokes before bringing him inside her. She inhales sharply at the feel of him. Her small hands settle on his shoulders. All the frustration she feels she shows in the sharp snaps of her hips and he loves it. She clenches down and watches his eyes roll into the back of his head. He’s mumbling a string of “please” and “fuck” with some other words she can’t make out from how loud he’s moaning. One hand finds her hip and the other clutches her breast as she picks up speed.

“F-Fuck, Nish.”

“You wanna come, Ken?”

“P-Please.” He nods violently.

“Do you think you deserve it?” She stops moving and arches an eyebrow.

Kendall’s eyes light up as he shudders at her sudden dominance. He loves when she brings this side of her into their bed.

“Y-Yes.”

“You gonna do this deal right and not fuck it up?” She clenches down again.

“Y-Yes. I-I promise, Nisha.”

“No more nerves?” She rotates her hips slowly. “Cause you’re Kendall. Fucking. Roy. My. Husband.” She bears down with emphasis and he’s whining under her almost delirious.

“Mmm, yes, baby. I’m yours.” His breathing is shaky.

“Good.” She grabs the hand on her breast and moves it down. His fingers immediately stroke her and she starts moving again. She rests her hands on his chest, clawing at that dark hair. She leans down and bites his earlobe. “Come, baby.”

His head falls back and his eyes screw shut as the pleasure pulses through his body. She follows right after and kisses his sweaty neck before moving off him. He laughs.

“You’re amazing.”

She kisses him full on the lips.

“I know.”

He groans. Fuck, he’s so lucky.

When they recover, Kendall goes back to his room to make the calls and promises to keep her informed. They’re going to do this. He feels unstoppable.

Nisha winces when Tom ushers her into the wedding photos. She was hoping to go unnoticed. She smooths out the English rose satin burnout print decorating her nude floor-length dress. She figures if the color had “English” in the title Caroline couldn’t complain. Kendall touches her back. He’s already told her repeatedly how much he likes the dress. She places her hand on his lapel and gives a picture-perfect smile. Shiv demands a photo with Nisha.

“I fucking love this.” She tugs on the side of the dress.

She wraps her arms around the bride. They press their smiling faces together.

“I wanted to wear a sari so bad. Make your mom lose her shit.” She whispers.

Shiv laughs so hard she throws her head back.

“I love you, bitch.”

“I love you too, bitch.”

“It’s nice. That they get along so well,” Tom says to Kendall.

“Mmm. Yeah. Shiv likes Nisha more than me.” Kendall nods.

Tom laughs awkwardly.

Everyone parts ways after the photos are done to go to the reception before the actual dinner. Nisha tends to the kids. She lets them take a nap so they can be up for the party while Kendall goes off with Stewy to finalize things. Stewy sends her a secure email with a copy of the letter and she gives her seal of approval. Once the kids wake up, Iverson wants to see his dad before they go back to the massive castle, so they go to where he and Stewy are staying. Iverson goes in and promptly comes back out with a pained look on his face.

Nisha stiffens. It was an accident, but it annoys her all the same that Kendall shouted at him. She thought everything was good to go.

“Stewy wants me to deliver it. Now.”

Nisha takes a deep breath.

“Sophie, laadali, can you go play with Iverson over there for a minute? I have to talk to Daddy.”

Sophie nods and walks only a few feet away. It’s enough.

Nisha places her hands on Kendall’s shoulders and looks him in the eye.

“I firmly believe you can deliver this letter and not scar our kids psychologically.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t—Nisha, this is—“

“You can do this.” She kisses him. This is what we want. This is what we’ve worked for. I love you, yeah?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Such a romantic.”

“I love you too.”

She nods and walks back to the kids. Iverson looks at her. She touches his face.

“Beta.”

He smiles. He doesn’t know Hindi like Sophie does, but he still knows that means something good.

“Hmm.” She drums her fingers against her lips. “I feel like we gotta do something really important before we go to this dinner.”

Iverson just stares at her and Sophie’s already smiling.

“I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan…”

Sophie joins in and starts to dance. Nisha moves her shoulders and continues to sing at Iverson who starts to giggle.

“And the Jay Z song was on…” Nisha points to him and waits.

‘So I put my hands up they’re playing my song.” Iverson puts his hands up. “The butterflies fly away.”

Nisha smiles and dances with them as they all sing the chorus. It’s not very good and definitely silly, but it makes Iverson laugh.

“Nodding my head like yeah. Moving my hips like yeah. Put my hands up they’re playing my song. You know I’m gonna be okay. Yeah, it’s a party in the USA. Yeah, it’s a party in the USA.”

“We’re in England.” Iverson frowns.

“I know. Boo.” Nisha brushes his hair away from his face.

“Party in the UK!” Sophie laughs.

“There you go!” Nisha gives her a high five.

Due to Logan’s sudden appearance, Nisha and Kendall are no longer at the bridal party table. They’re at a table with Greg instead. Sophie and Iverson look bored to tears.

“It’s so nice we were bumped.” She whispers.

Kendall nods. He seems…off. They haven’t really been alone, so she hasn’t had a chance to ask about how it went with Logan. Though, his not-so-subtle speech about family gives her a hint. She takes his hand and squeezes it. He finally looks at her and kisses the back of her hand. Frank comes by and she wants to kick him. Snake. Stewy catches her gaze and rolls his eyes at the speeches. She nods. It’s basically open mic night with how many people are talking and Roman comes over with a microphone. She shakes her head. He gets down on his knee and offers it. Everyone laughs.

“Okay, um. Hi, everyone. For those of you who don’t know, I’m Nisha. I’m married to this one.” She jerks her thumb at Kendall and they get some applause. “It’s gonna be super obvious that I did not plan a speech. I have known Shiv for much longer than I will admit cause I wanna be mysterious about my age. She made me feel like family even before I technically was. This has been a beautiful day and that dress is a knockout. I wish you all the good things life can offer. Marriage is one of those special things and you deserve special. Both of you. And on behalf of myself and your big brother— Tom, if you screw this up, total Jimmy Hoffa situation. No one will ever find you. Please edit my motive out of the wedding video. Thank you.”

Everyone laughs again and claps. Shiv blows a kiss to Nisha and Tom laughs. Roman takes the microphone and goes back to the table.

“Good speech.” Kendall kisses her hair.

“Pulled it out of my ass.” Nisha smirks.

“But it’s a great ass.” He squeezes her thigh for emphasis.

She’s about to ask about Logan when Connor walks over and needs to talk to Kendall. She nods and watches them walk off. She wishes she could go with.

“Mommy, when are we gonna dance?” Iverson asks.

“In a little bit, beta. I promise.”

Formal dances happen. The cake is cut. All the usual traditions and Nisha can’t find Kendall. Even the kids ask about him until they announce everyone can start dancing. Then they’re off.

Sophie yells for her dad and runs over to hug him after what feels like forever. Nisha walks over with Iverson who wants to know where he’s been. She can’t fault him for his honesty. Kendall seems a little better. He seems to enjoy dancing as a family. When he dances with Nisha, she notices he’s trembling a little. Maybe it’s from how crazy this day has been and the fact Stewy told her he wouldn’t let Kendall do any more drugs. She hugs him and he holds her tight. It’s the way he doesn’t let go right away that makes her a little worried, but she pushes it down.

In the morning, she wakes up to Sophie and Iverson in her bed, but no Kendall.

She focuses on getting the kids some breakfast at the buffet. She spies Kendall with his shoulders hunched in a green sweater talking to Greg. He looks strange. Not quite himself. Not quite…something. She gets up to go to his table when Colin appears and whisks him away. Connor walks over with Willa and begins a conversation with the kids. She sees that as her exit and slowly follows Kendall.

She feels foolish stalking him like this, but she really wants to talk to him. If Colin’s grabbing him, then that means Logan wants him and if he has to talk to Logan she doesn’t want him to sneak off and self-medicate. She dashes behind a wall when Colin looks back. She watches them go into a drawing room and later sees Amir and Marcia exit. They don’t see her. She waits. She realizes she can’t just appear out of nowhere, so she moves down the hall and looks around like she isn’t quite sure where she is. That part is true. Gun to her head she wouldn’t able to find her way back to the dining hall.

Kendall leaves the room with his head hung low and Colin is close behind.

“Hey, do you know where—Kendall!” Nisha lies with surprise on her face.

“Colin, I’ll catch up with you.” Kendall nods. Colin disappears.

“You didn’t come back to my room.” She licks her lips, nervous.

“Yeah, um, I went back to the…it was really late.” He won’t meet her eyes.

“Okay.” She tries to chase his gaze. “Hey.”

“Yeah?” He still won’t look at her.

“What’s wrong?” She reaches out to touch his shoulder and he flinches.

There are tears brimming in his hazel eyes and it makes her heart hurt. She throws her arms around him and he crumples sobbing loudly into her shoulder. She feels the bile rise in her throat. She has no idea what could’ve happened to make him like this. She rubs circles on his back and he catches his breath.

“Ken, baby, please. What did Logan want? What’s going on?”

“I-I gotta pack. He’s sending me to rehab.” Kendall sniffs and wipes his nose with his sleeve.

“Logan’s sending you to rehab?” She blinks. “But—but what about the takeover?”

“I, uh, I’m out.” He’s struggling to breathe.

“What?” She feels like he dunked her scalp in ice water. “Why?”

“I really gotta—I gotta get—pack my stuff.”

“Kendall.”

He brushes past her and soldiers on down the hall. She grabs him by the arm.

“You—you can’t do this. How—how can you do this?”

Neither of them knows that Logan happens to be walking by.

Kendall says nothing and continues to look at his feet even though the tears spill down his face.

“Ken, you—you promised.” She blinks back her own tears.

“I-I’m sorry, Nisha.” Kendall’s voice cracks.

Satisfied, Logan leaves them alone assuming she’s upset about the takeover.

“You’re sorry? I don’t want your fucking sorry. I want you to tell me what’s going on. Why are you pulling out?” She clutches his hands.

He lets out an uneven sob and she cups his face in her hands. She can feel his wet tears dampen her fingertips.

“Kendall, please. Please tell me what’s wrong. Please! Let me in. What happened?”

His chest heaves up and down. His eyes dart frantically looking at anything but her.

“Baby, please. What did he do to you?

She leans in and tries to kiss him. The tears fall freely now. Give him any sign of affection that lets him know she’s still here for him. Fuck the takeover, something terrible happened and she wants to help him. She loves him.

“I-I’m sorry.” He pulls away.

“Kendall!” She yells after him, but he doesn’t turn back. Colin opens the door and leads him into the car. And he’s gone.

#succession #kendall roy #kendall roy x oc #kendall roy x ofc #oc: nisha asuri roy #happier now #fan fic

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lizzygrantarchives · 13 years

Text

T: The New York Times Style Magazine, February 9, 2012

For some reason, Lana Del Rey and her sultry songs drive some people nuts.

CURVACEOUS AND PRETTY IN A DRESS, she brims with catchy songs, all a bit retro, ironic and modern. Without straying too far off the pop grid, she’s the perfect antidote to Rihanna-Gaga overload — dare we say, a skinnier Adele, a more stable Amy Winehouse? Since posting “Video Games” to YouTube last summer, she’s amassed tens of millions of hits, sold out concerts to fashion’s who’s who and now, finally, has released her long-awaited album, which is currently No. 2 on the Billboard Top 200 in America, and No. 1 in Britain, Germany, Ireland, Switzerland and Austria. If you were going to manufacture a star for this moment, you’d manufacture her. Some people believe that’s precisely what happened.

Sitting in her producer’s Chelsea studio in jeans and an oversize sweater, smoking Pall Mall Blues that share space — in a beat-up snakeskin bag — with an old Tennessee Williams paperback, Lana Del Rey tries to shrug off the suggestion that her father bought her success, that her face went under the knife, that she is some sort of industry creation, all accusations floating around the Internet. It’s absurd or maybe flattering, but despite her laugh and smile, it hurts.

“I mean, I met everyone who is anyone in the music industry over the last six years and I was unsignable,” she says. “That’s what I was told by everyone. I would play my songs, explain what I was trying to do, and I’d get, ‘You know who’s No. 1 in 13 countries right now? Kesha.’ ”

There’s a formula for a pop song and a prescribed length for radio. Nothing Del Rey’s written obeys either. “ ‘Video Games’ was a four-and-a-half-minute ballad,” she says. “No instruments on it. It was too dark, too personal, too risky, not commercial. It wasn’t pop until it was on the radio.” And even “Born to Die” — her first big video — was, with its double chorus that never lifts, described to her as “another monotonous depressing song.”

For an hour, Del Rey and her producer Emile Haynie play songs from the album. She points out jazzy idiosyncrasies, quirky lyrics and favorite melodies. Sometimes she sings; often she gets up and dances. The last song they put on is “National Anthem”:

Red, white, blue’s in the skies Summer’s in the air and Baby, heaven’s in your eyes I’m your national anthem … I sing the national anthem, While I’m standing, Over your body … Money is the anthem God you’re so handsome

It may not be her most lyrically complex song, but it feels emblematic. As she did in the “Born to Die” video (in which she wraps her body in an American flag), she equates her sexuality to the national anthem. And she knowingly conflates love with material success. It feels like a wink at the listener. The Twitter generation loves a wink.

There’s also more than a little of Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA” in the song. Both you could play alone dancing in your bedroom, sing along to in your convertible with the top down or (it might surprise Cyrus’s Disney producers) find yourself gyrating to at an illegal warehouse rave. Whereas Cyrus’s song is a bland pop confection that somehow wound up cool, Del Rey’s track comes from someplace dark thematically and unstructured musically and ends up with pop appeal.

I explain my theory to Del Rey, in a roundabout way, and she nods, sings a bit of “Party in the USA” and ponders the matter for a few moments. “I really like that chorus,” she says. “I love an interesting melody.”

Haynie is more direct. “That’s the beauty of it,” he says. “That’s kind of the magic. She is supercool. The songs are as cool as it gets, sonically and aesthetically. But it’s like, ‘Wait a minute, this could resonate with the world.’ She started underground, small and kind of tight-knit, but some of these recordings are like, ‘Wow.’ I mean, that’s what I heard when I listened. It’s cool and it’s dark, but I thought, This could be big, you know?”

***

We head to a 10th Avenue Italian restaurant that her publicist has chosen. It feels tacky. “Do you want to just get a coffee across the street, and sit on a stoop? It’s not too cold?” she asks. I agree, though it is in fact too cold.

At the pizza place she orders a large coffee with no sugar, lots of milk. The server spots the old Tennessee Williams paperback in her purse, which sparks a conversation about 1950s movies and Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra.

Then he asks, “Are you two a couple?” and looks at me and says: “Today is your lucky day. I wish I was lucky like you.”

The presumption doesn’t stop him from flirting with Del Rey. “Big cup for you,” he says, handing her her coffee. “Just a little kiss for me.”

Del Rey laughs and hits him right back with: “Sure. Just a little kiss. Where do you want it?”

There was no kiss, but the subject of Del Rey’s mouth is an irresistible one. So, sitting on the steps of a 25th Street brownstone, I ask the seemingly preposterous question. “It’s fine,” she assures me. “They’re real lips, I mean. In real life my lips don’t look that big. I think because I cartoonized the footage of myself in the video for ‘Video Games’ things look exaggerated.”

If that video is to blame for a pernicious rumor, it is also to blame for putting her on the map. What it didn’t do was get her a record deal. Not until Fearne Cotton, a BBC D.J., stumbled across it and played it on Radio 1 last June. Suddenly the world was calling.

“I was struck by the wonderful combination of spine-tingling video footage, her haunting voice and the simplicity of the song,” Cotton wrote in an e-mail. “I watched it about five or six times in a row and became slightly fixated with it. The lyrics then started to really stand out and it became my song of last summer. … I had been waiting for a song like this.”

Hers is the typical experience. But falling in love with a video or a studio recording can set unrealistic expectations for Del Rey’s live performances. Look for her to break it down Nicki Minaj-style and you’ll be disappointed. Her turn on “Saturday Night Live” in January was widely criticized. She told me presciently about her anxiety beforehand: “I’m not by nature a showstopper. I love to write and play songs, but onstage, all these things come into play. I’m always saying to myself, Don’t mess up. Don’t mess up.”

Del Rey is a small-town girl. She grew up Elizabeth Grant in Lake Placid, N.Y., neither rich nor poor. She remembers as a kid asking herself cheesy meaning-of-life questions and thinking she was really special for doing so. Then, in high school, she took a philosophy class and realized she was like everyone else. While a philosophy major at Fordham University, she started finagling gigs in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and the East Village. At 19 a small indie label signed her as Lizzy Grant for $10,000. “It was amazing. I got my own place to live. I lived on that money, finished school. At that point I envisioned having a very nice career touring small clubs, continuing my studies in philosophy and volunteering,” she tells me. “It’s actually the same vision I have today. I have a serious life here. I have a really big family. You know, I’m needed here.”

Needed by whom? She hints at family, which makes sense given the darker, psychosexual context of many of her songs.

What about love and loss, the other dark note in her oeuvre? “I felt the same way for a really long time, and then I met someone who I guess I fell in love with,” she says. “I just didn’t know I could feel differently. That time with him became sort of a place that I fell back to in my memory.”

And the breakup? “Well, I mean, the breakup is a part of it in the way that in the midst of loss you try to still look towards the light and not fall to pieces or do self-destructive things.”

She grows quiet, looks at her watch. It’s getting late. She admits that she doesn’t have an important industry meeting, as her publicist told me, but has to baby-sit for a friend.

Before she goes, I ask her where she lives. She’s looking to buy a place, but for now is in Williamsburg. “Staying with my ex-boyfriend,” she says nonchalantly, then bursts into nervous laughter and admits, “I live on his couch.”

I give her a look like, You just told me all that about falling in love and breaking up and you’re on the dude’s couch?

She pins it on the touring, letting out another embarrassed laugh. “Because no, I’m busy though!”

Originally published on nytimes.com with the headline A Star Is Born (and Scorned), and in abridged form in the February 19, 2012 issue of T: The New York Times Style Magazine.

#2012 #Born to Die #T: The New York Times Style Magazine #Jacob Brown

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