#mobile post needs formatting

[immortalmuses]

(sms Henry > Alex 💙: ) Hey love. I'm sorry to drop this on you, but I tried to call and got no answer so I guess you're busy or hopefully asleep. I don't want to ruin any plans you have but I need to talk to you about some stuff. Can you let me know when your schedule is a bit more open? I'm happy to come to you - H

Somewhere out there, in the infinite multiverse, exists a reality where Alex's sleep schedule isn't an absolute trainwreck. It's a universe where he likes to think his alternate self is perpetually well-rested, never puts himself through an all-nighter cram session, and doesn't have to resort to inhaling unadvised levels of coffee before 10am just to jump start his brain.

Alas, that reality is not this reality, and Alex Claremont-Diaz is almost late for class.

He's standing in front of his bathroom mirror, manically brushing his teeth with one hand while trying to tame his curls with the other, when it occurs to him to check for a text from Henry. It's typically the first thing he does when he wakes up, but finals week has turned all of Alex's normal (functional human) habits on their head.

Unlocking his phone now, the American squints at his screen until the message from Hen starts to make sense... well, sort of. He's not sure about the cryptic wording, but a quick review of missed calls reveals that his boyfriend tried to reach him sometime after Alex must have faceplanted into his pillow. Damn.

There's something about the message that makes him want to call Henry back properly, rather than resort to text. They've both gotten pretty good at writing out their feelings to one another, but sometimes it's just no replacement for tone. Calling Hen will almost certainly make him late for class, yeah, but Alex finds he doesn't really care. He selects the Prince's contact number and hits 'Send' before lifting the phone to his ear.

"Hen?" Alex says as soon as the other man picks up, moving back into his bedroom to finish pulling a sweater on over his head, "Hey baby, what's this 'stuff' you need t'talk to me about?"

[kkoct-ik]

milgram analysis: 'john' (orekoto, オレ) did not form to vent mikoto's stress through murder, and he is not the alter that 'did it'

(mainly me musing on how DID functions, as well as analysing the text. enjoy)

will be referring both to wiki and milgram-en's (Neoplasm, interrogation) translations. mainly wiki for gesturing, and milgram-en for textual analysis. thank you so much!

note on names: for the purposes of this post:

09 refers to the person/system, all parts included

mikoto refers to 09 with the exception of orekoto/'john' (ie. all his 'normative' / in denial / confused / playful demeanours). this is the alter who is 'on trial' for the purposes of Milgram, so I will also use this name when talking about voting

'john' refers to the 09 (オレ, ore) who claims in Neoplasm to be the alter who commit murder. I will also make the assumption that he is the same alter as 09 (俺, ore) in John Doe that attacks es, since he expresses familiarity with 俺's actions in John Doe

i'm working with translations and 09 is a complicated character, so please forgive any slip ups!

thank you for reading.

introduction: widely accepted fanon

i frequently see that mikoto's case is controversial on the axis of 'system responsibility'.

on the side of guilty voters, mikoto is guilty because he and john are part of the same system, and unfortunately, that means they share culpability. i often hear rhetoric implying that 09's DID means mikoto was functionally possessed, and that he had no say in the murders, but regardless, him being guilty is just an unfortunate logistical situation. it's just how it is.

this rhetoric also makes it easy to argue for his innocence, and counter with how unfair this expectation is. if DID means he was functionally possessed, couldn't control his actions, and his alter just went out and killed people, regardless of 'john' having any noble intentions, that's tragic and unfair.

aside from being a fucking horrific way to see someone with DID (implying alters' actions are burdens, foreign intrusions that you just have to deal with. no recognition or self compassion whatsoever. die), this discourse also rides on the assumption that between 'normative' mikoto and his alter dubbed 'john', mikoto had nothing to do with his crime. that 'john' formed as a result of overwhelming stress mikoto had bottled up, and, pitying him deeply, 'john' decided to find mikoto an outlet through murder, something mikoto did not consent to.

i don't blame anyone for coming to this conclusion or approaching 09's crime in this way. it is very very deeply what milgram leads you towards, and what 'john' wants you to believe is going on.

through the VDs and MVs, 'john' consistently paints the picture that it was his choice to murder and his alone, that he did it without mikoto's consciousness and anthetically to mikoto's character.

so. what's the problem? he's told us very straightforwardly across the board that what you've just described is what's going on. can we not believe the words of the prisoner themselves?

no. because 09, like all prisoners, has reason to lie to us to secure his survival. and 'john' in particular has every reason to convince us of a reality where he and he alone is the guilty party.

i very very strongly believe that 'john' is manipulating the audience to create the impression he does out of an ego-protective obligation. so i'm writing this post. and i hope i can convince you too.

main body 1: the purpose of alters (no, we are not functionally possessed):

let's start at the beginning. why did 'john' form? why would an alter with his characteristics form at all? this will help us understand why he does things, and what his role is within 09's life.

alters in DID typically form in response to new life roles and traumas, with the key note being that these aforementioned roles or traumas could not be handled by / identified with the alters that already exist. thus, a new dissociated state emerges to isolate that event or carry out that role. memory gaps may occur when the mere existence of that role / event is intolerable, or dissociation is otherwise high.

i have already written a long document on writing DID. check it out if you are unfamiliar with the basics.

we are aware of a few facts about mikoto's life, which can clue us in to what those roles and traumas may have led new alters to form.

first, he works an overwhelming job and never gets a days rest. it's implied he does not take good care of himself because of how all-consuming his job is, and that it takes him to a breaking point.

second, he commit mass murder.

third, he was suddenly brought to milgram, put under 24/7 surveillance, and told he was a killer, despite not remembering doing anything of the sort.

i frequently see people come to the conclusion that 'john' formed as a result of his stressful job, and functions to let mikoto 'blow off steam'. there's a few reasons i don't think this is the case.

an alter who forms as a result of a stressful job is more likely to handle and isolate the source of stress itself. for example, an automatic alter to handle work and nothing else, isolating that stress from the rest of their personality.

i really dont think an alter can form to 'blow off steam'. by definition, 'john' is a dissociative identity, disconnected from mikoto. whatever he does in terms of emotional processing is by design not going to impact mikoto.

in John Doe, 'john's' demeanour appears majorly aligned with fictionalised stereotypes of violent split personalities, appearing sadistic and animalistic. this alter presentation doesn't just 'happen' without reason, and i can't find a reason for 'john' to present himself like this if he truly formed to put himself first and 'blow off steam'.

so why did 'john' form?

main body 2: the purpose of 'john'

it's my opinion he formed as a result of (ie. after) the murders, as a way to contain and identify with those actions, because mikoto could not. i believe 'john' protects mikoto from 09's identity as a murderer and that intolerable experience in general, by allowing him to dissociate from it and forget it.

(note: it's not in my interest to pin the crime on any one alter, and i think it's weird to do so. you will notice i refer to 09's (as a whole) identity as a murderer, rather than blaming any one part, since it's an objective fact that 09, as a person, killed people. i'm opposed to holding any single alter responsible, but i am absolutely certain that if you are to argue that one is, it would not be 'john'.)

i believe that through distinguishing himself from mikoto through his accent, personality presentation, and sense of self, 'john' becomes the archetypal 'monster', which serves to reassure mikoto that 'john' is 'not him', and thus disassociates mikoto from the things 'john' takes ownership of: namely, 09's murderous actions and 09's identity as someone who has killed.

i also believe that following the transition into Milgram, 'john', as a protective alter is forced to develop beyond just psychologically protecting mikoto from the reality that 09 are a murderer. due to the voting system, it becomes important for 09's physical survival and wellbeing that 'john' can convince the audience that he is distinct from mikoto. he takes advantage of the fact that mikoto is the only alter on trial, and begins to spin sympathy for mikoto as a helpless victim, and negotiate on the terms of mikoto's innocence, by reiterating that it was 'john', and only 'john', who did it.

let's break down some 'john' truths:

he has a rough demeanour in contrast to mikoto's soft-spoken, and in John Doe, appears violent and sadistic

he distinguishes himself from and contrasts himself to mikoto by making a point to alternate personal pronouns

he claims to be the alter that commit the murders

he insists that this means mikoto should be found innocent, and that mikoto had nothing to do with it

when he realises that es may not agree with that view, he begins to plead, and then attempts to negotiate with es, being willing to sacrifice his existence as 'john' by promising to 'disappear'

he, well. this:

I'll take it all - bear it all (...) and I'll be rid of it. I (ore) ... was born in order to protect me. I (ore) would do whatever it takes to protect me (boku).

i find these last words 'john' says to es are the most telling, and really give us an insight into his motivations and what he considers his role and responsibility.

note that it's not to help mikoto vent stress. it's to take on the burden of everything that causes 09 distress. that being, for the most part, his guilt. he expresses a desire to isolate that trauma into himself as 'john' and vanish it, and maybe it's the DID in me, but all i'm hearing is the sound of a self-sacrificing protective alter who is desperately trying to keep his normal parts from having their illusion of a normal, trauma-free life shattered.

main body 3: where we can infer 'john' may be misleading us

ok, so i have this crazy theory i've convinced myself of that can strictly speaking be considered in line with the text using some mental gymnastics. but is there anything in the text that directly suggests that 'john' didn't do it?

yeah.

for starters, and perhaps a moot point, but mikoto is the alter on trial within Milgram. not only that, but 'john' is specifically not.

to be honest, this is what first got me theorising along this train of thought. if Milgram really 'doesn't make mistakes', and were presumably aware of 'john's' existence (in the sense that 'john' is considered unique, and not a prisoner), what makes mikoto the identity on trial?

like i said earlier, while i disagree with assigning culpability to individual alters, i do believe that if you were to assign culpability and only persecute and associate one alter for/with 09's crimes, it would not be 'john', because he did not exist as an alter at the time 09 commit those crimes. therefore, i believe Milgram is suggesting that of the alters, mikoto is the guilty party.

moreover, when you dissect 'john's' confession to es, there are certain patterns he displays that imply he is misleading us.

1. he is incredibly vague and emotionally disconnected when describing the event, lol.

his account of the murders appears fragmented and vague, and it's notable that he doesn't elaborate very much, or seem to feel much at all towards the event. contrast this to mikoto, who, when pressed on the topic of murder, starts to panic, scratch at his head, whimper and groan, and dissociate.

'john' either has a composure of steel, and truly does not feel remorse for his murder whatsoever, or, more likely, is that he only has a surface level connection to those memories, because his role only really extends towards identifying those memories and actions as 'his'.

it may be possible that mikoto is the alter with a unique repressed connection to the emotions and distress associated with the events, hence his violent reaction to es' pressing. it's also possible that the murders are blurry and hard to connect with for 09 in general, because trauma and dissociation can do that. but in both cases, i feel that 'john's' account of the murder don't really convince me that it was him that was conscious for the act, much less in a nonchalant and uncaring way, as he seems to put across.

2. he is first and foremost preoccupied with what his confession means for mikoto's guilt and protection

he gives up confessing and spinning his story after he's successfully convinced es that what he has said is the truth. he then immediately checks with the consequences of his actions.

this doesn't read as a confession to me, rather it looks like a blatant strategy. it's not about what 'john' did, it's about what 'john' can tell es to turn the tides in mikoto's favour.

when it becomes clear es may not be willing to see things his way, 'john' immediately loses his nonchalant composure. clearly, distinguishing himself as a uniquely guilty alter isn't working to secure his goals of mikoto's innocence, so he doubles down and makes emotional pleas.

again, note that it's not about 'john'. 'john' is content vilifying himself, and makes no attempt to humanise himself, or give explanation for 'his' actions. instead, he emphasises mikoto's innocence, and tries to evoke sympathy for him.

and in the end, 'john' strikes a deal with es; on the condition of mikoto's innocence, 'john' will 'disappear' himself. he cements his role as an alter that serves to carry 09's guilt so mikoto never has to face who he is and what he's done. the apparent subtext of 'proving one's use' reinforces this reading, i think. 'john' being able to 'disappear' himself and secure mikoto's guilt-free survival, is, honestly, the ideal situation as far as 09 believes.

the logistics of 'john' 'disappearing' himself and the fact that this, practically, would not make 09 guilt-free are a can of worms — this ... might not go how they expect ... — but 09's intentions are clear. 09 wants what 'john' isolates, carries, and represents (his guilt & identity as a killer) to vanish. whether or not he practically can 'vanish' anything (and what the consequences of his 'disappearing' are) remain to be seen (although, based on the voice clips, it seems that without 'john' around to contain 09's identity as a killer ... mikoto is not having a good time, psychologically).

in my opinion, 'john's' confession and the subsequent deterioration of the conversation are absolutely seeping in 'john's' ulterior motives to take all distress and discomfort from mikoto and protect him.

I'll take it all - bear it all (...) and I'll be rid of it. I (ore) ... was born in order to protect me. I (ore) would do whatever it takes to protect me (boku).

therefore, i would not take anything he claims about being autonomous, monstrous, and uniquely guilty at face value. 'john' has a goal, he has a purpose, and he will do anything to attain it.

main body 4: but maybe he's not... intentionally lying

all this said, i don't want the takeaway to be that 'john' is a manipulative liar. i also strongly believe that on a lot of levels, he, and 09 as a whole, believe what he is saying, because he has to.

like i said at the start, alters in DID encapsulate roles and traumas that could not be identified by the alters that already exist. if 'john' exists to isolate 09's identity as a killer, that means that 09 as a whole cannot tolerate the idea that mikoto could do such a thing.

i find 'john's' musing on the 'kind of person' that mikoto is very telling.

09 has a very firm idea of what a kind of gentle, sensitive, victimised person mikoto is, which makes the fact that he broke under the pressure and murdered people an even more intolerable reality. however, it's crucial for 09's health that they continue to believe in their goodness and maintain the illusion of a normal life for their everyday parts.

therefore, it's safest for 09's ego and psychological stability for 'john' to truly believe he is guilty and mikoto innocent. he also, after all, expresses incredibly high distress at the suggestion that mikoto may be punished or considered 'guilty', yet displays no such distress at his own condemnation. this reality where mikoto is innocent is clearly a source of stability for 09 across the board. so i do believe all of 09 believe this is the case, at least emotionally, and collectively work to sustain this reality for their psychological welfare.

i also believe 'john' isn't necessarily lying about believing in his role and personal guilt just because of how much self-hatred he betrays.

the aforementioned utter lack of self-respect (never standing up for himself) and subservience to mikoto's wellbeing (being willing to 'disappear' for mikoto's sake, claiming his all-encompassing purpose is to protect 09) implies a low self esteem. the end of Double as well as just how fucking miserable he sounds at towards end of Neoplasm betrays that he does feel immense guilt for 'his' actions, but only in relation to how the intolerable identity/experience he holds causes harm to mikoto.

'john', ultimately, is a character who represents a lot of self-hatred. he hates what he represents, he hates what he 'brings' to 09's identity, and he hates himself for existing and serving as a constant reminder of their identity as a killer that distresses mikoto and threatens their guilt-free manufactured reality so much.

(timeline translation document)

mikoto also targets 'john' to blame him for 'causing problems', to add layers to the self-hatred. 'john' counters emotionally, evoking his subservience and desire to protect, and defending his existence on the basis that he tried to help.

practically, i believe 'john' does help, by protecting mikoto from the reality that 'he' (09) killed people. but in 09's eyes, 'john's' 'helping' is 09's unexplainable and fragmented violent outburst, and thus 'john' has done a crap job at helping anything. this leads 'john' to not understand his value as an alter and hate himself, being ready to throw himself under the bus for mikoto's sake to 'save him' from the consequences of 09's guilt, and leads mikoto to lash out at 'john'.

i'll just say, from experience, throwing blame between alters that are associated with traumatic experiences is an unfortunate and common experience with DID. i even talk about it in my DID representation doc, as to illustrate why self-compassion and tolerance is vital to healing.

It’s very easy for us DID folk to simply wish that all of it would go away - to wish all of them would go away - because they must be the root of all our problems. They’re too needy, they’re too sad, they’re too angry, they hurt me, and I don’t understand them. I wish they would leave. I just want peace, we think. (...) Regardless of how alien and aggressive we feel, people with DID aren’t possessed, and our hurting and self-harming and destructive parts aren’t demons. They’re traumatised facets of a traumatised person. And no part of a traumatised person deserves to be repressed and vilified and shunned. (...) To me, a hopeful narrative and resolution is anything that can bring the parts together cohesively while loving their differences. (...) Navigating the decades of internal conflict and self-hatred and transforming it into tolerance and love. — Me, The Subjective Comprehensive Guide to [DID] Representation

... great job with the tolerance and love, guys.

conclusion / tl;dr:

i don't think 'john' as an alter appeared one day and decided to kill people to help mikoto cope with work stress.

i think 'john' is a very complicated part of mikoto, that identifies with the act and identity of killing, to keep it from mikoto and protect him. he presents himself as the 'kind of person' that would kill, and who is different to mikoto, because to 09, mikoto is not that 'kind of person'.

i think 09 use DID and the distinctions between alters to protect themselves psychologically, because that's why the disorder exists.

i also think it gives them an advantage in Milgram: by leaning into their DID and maladaptive self-ostracisation, they can attempt to convince the audience that 09's guilt is split between two alters: an innocent and a guilty.

using this, 'john', who hates himself as it is, promises to the audience that he will vanish himself on the condition mikoto is voted innocent, making himself useful one last time and finally 'saving' mikoto in the way he feels he has failed to thus far.

epilogue / reflection

so! i hope i make sense, and i really hope i haven't forgotten to cover anything glaring.

this is an all-encompassing way of reading 09 to me, and if it is canon like i believe, 09 may be a shockingly sensitive and accurate portrayal of DID. but to unearth this interpretation you need to dive into a lot of subtext and dodge a lot of intentional misdirection than leans into stigma and negative stereotypes of DID, so i sort of understand why a lot of people fall short, end up taking things at face value, or otherwise feel unqualified to dissect what's being written and claimed.

i hope my analysis and commentary helps, and please know that i am also always open to yap about these guys or DID representation in general if anyone would like. this is a very strong interest of mine, and i love picking fiction and DID representation apart, as well as demystifying the condition for people!

thank you for getting to the end of this, i know it's an essay and a half.

if you read this all the way through, even ignoring the text in images, this post comes out at over 3.5k words. this is longer than any college essay i've ever written. good grief. but it's over. thank you for sticking with me.

[tea-time221]

woe, shitpost be upon thee

this all started with the ibruprofen drawing and it suddenly divulged into drawing them as ponies. its good warm-up i wont lie

i cant find the post but shoutout to that one artist that made a whole pony au for all the bg3 companions. truly doing god's work out there.

[wiseatom]

when you ask for byclair prompts and you see the words “someone’s hands in someone else’s pockets” and also “letterman jacket” this is the result. thank you @astrobei for saying those words 😙

“I don’t know,” Will is saying as Lucas bends down to tie his sneaker, pulling the laces taught before crossing them over each other and creating his first knot. “You don’t think this is— I don’t know, a little corny?”

Lucas glances up to see Will deliberating in front of the school-issued mirror hanging next to his school-issued wardrobe, shrugging his shoulders and turning this way and that as he considers his reflection from every angle. The jeans and pull-over he’s wearing are classic Will outfit staples, as are his novelty socks and well-worn but well-cared-for sneakers, which means he’s referring to the one piece of his outfit that’s not part of his normal rotation: the Lucas-issued school-issued letterman jacket.

“Corny,” Lucas repeats, frowning up at him as he loops and swoops his laces and finishes off his knot.

“Yes, corny,” Will says, exasperated, as he turns his back on his reflection to face Lucas, who has switched knees to work on his other shoe. He opens his mouth to say something else, but all that comes out is an annoyed exhale as his eyes drop to Lucas’ hands tying his second knot. “I still don’t get how you do that,” he mumbles, tapping the toe of Lucas’ shoe with his own.

“I still don’t get what you don’t get about it,” Lucas replies, standing up. Will crosses his arms, scowling as Lucas takes a step towards him, crowding into his space. “What nineteen year old doesn’t know how to tie his shoes?”

“I’m not nineteen for another two weeks,” Will points out. “And I know how to tie my shoes.”

“Right,” Lucas says, nodding seriously as he lifts one arm and leans against his wardrobe, his other hand on his hip. Will watches him do it, and Lucas watches Will’s eyes flit to his bicep, distracted. “You still use bunny ears,” he continues, biting back a smile, “and you’re worried that wearing my letterman jacket is what’s corny.”

Will shoves at his chest, but not hard enough to make Lucas budge, even a little. “Shut up,” he says over Lucas’ laugh, twisting his hands into Lucas’ shirt and using it as leverage to try and shake him. Even though Will’s not using enough force to actually move him, Lucas lets himself be jostled a little, back and forth and back and forth until Will’s had his fill of it, until he’s laughing, too. “You’re so annoying.”

“And you look good in my jacket,” Lucas says. The hand that he’s got propped on his own hip migrates towards Will — as it so often does, these days — and he hooks his pointer finger into one of Will’s belt loops, tugging him closer. “I don’t think that it’s corny at all.”

“I think you’re biased,” Will tells him with an eye roll. All the same, his hands slide up Lucas’ chest and up to his neck, where his fingers link together at his nape.

“I think you were the one who said you were cold,” Lucas says slowly, “and you were the one who asked me for a jacket,” he continues, tugging on the hem of the aforementioned jacket pointedly before he’s slipping his hand past it, coming to settle on the dip in the small of Will’s back. “I also think it was very generous of me to give you one.”

Will hums in agreement. “I think that you have other jackets.”

“This is true,” Lucas says, “considering you’ve already stolen half of them.” Will does not deny the accusation, because it’s completely true, and Will doesn’t lie unless he’s playing a board game, in which case he very much lies. They’re not playing a board game, though, so he doesn’t say anything and lets Lucas continue instead. “But I also think that when you asked, that’s the one you wanted.”

Will has had a flush in his cheeks since the moment Lucas first stepped into his space, but now he turns bright red, which means Lucas is right on the money. “Shut up,” he says again, but he’s smiling, tugging on Lucas’ neck and bringing him closer. “It’s still corny.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Lucas says, and as much as he likes looking at Will in his jacket, seeing his own name embroidered right over Will’s heart, he likes kissing Will even more — so he does. Will sighs into his mouth the moment their lips touch, a happy, content noise, and Lucas lets the arm holding him up against the closet door fall so that he can have both of his hands on Will’s waist, use them to pull Will closer. Will lets him, both arms coming up to rest on Lucas’ shoulders and drape over his back, and this is his favorite part — he likes that Will’s a little taller than him, that he goes a little boneless when Lucas is kissing him, that he falls into Lucas and trusts that Lucas will keep him from hitting the ground. He likes that he knows these things, that they get to do this, that they have been for a few months, now, ever since Will showed up at his dorm on their first day back from winter break with a 2-litre bottle of Coke in one hand and a pint of rum poorly concealed beneath his sweater in the other, courtesy of Jonathan. They’d each managed to mix two half-assed drinks before they abandoned the soda entirely and just started passing the pint back and forth, drinking it straight and making faces after every sip. Lucas remembers how fixated he’d become on Will’s mouth every time he had brought the bottle to his lips, how he’d been hyperaware of it still when he’d take his own drink once Will had finished, how he’d pretended that the spit they shared on the rim was almost like kissing until they were kissing and he didn’t need to pretend anymore.

Not pretending has been awesome. Not pretending means he’s had a lot of practice, practice means he knows what Will likes and what Will doesn’t like, and Lucas also knows that he likes the sound Will makes any time Lucas slips his hands into his back pockets, which means he does it as much as possible.

Like right now.

“Okay,” Will breathes out after humming into Lucas’ mouth, and his lips are still buzzing with the vibration of it, even as Will breaks the kiss, pressing their foreheads together. “Okay, okay, okay,” Will says again, then his lips are right back where they were — messily, this time. Eager. “Maybe we should just skip dinner,” he suggests when they part again, kissing Lucas a third time the second the last syllable falls from his lips. “Maybe we stay here instead?”

“You can stay here,” Lucas tells him, dodging Will’s attempt to kiss him again by turning his face, letting it land on his cheek instead. He does the same back when he pulls his hands from Will’s pockets and starts gently pushing him away, feeling a little bad once they’re apart enough for him to see the look on Will’s face at the separation. He pats Will’s hip apologetically, hoping it suffices. “I will be participating in pasta bar night at the dining hall.”

It does not suffice. “Oh, come on,” Will complains, making a face. He tries to turn them around, switch places and back Lucas into the mirror, but before he can pin him there Lucas is spinning out of his reach easily, stepping away from Will entirely and towards the door instead. Will stares at him, clearly not amused. “Dude,” he says, and it’s a testament to just how miffed he is that that’s the word he landed on, because Lucas doesn’t think he’s ever heard Will say dude in the entire time he’s known him.

“Pasta bar night, Will,” he repeats sagely. “I have a game tomorrow — I need the carbs.”

Will stares at him some more. When Lucas does not say gotcha! or sike! and continues to stand by the door, still out of his reach and evidently serious about this whole pasta bar thing — which Will should have known, since Lucas has always made it very clear, even prior to becoming an athlete, that pasta takes priority to almost anything— he frowns harder. “You’re so annoying,” he tries, but it’s clear he knows he’s not going to win this one.

“And you already said that,” Lucas points out with a shrug. He grabs his keyring from its spot on his desk and opens the door, turning towards Will expectantly. “Come on,” he says, gesturing through the doorway. “I know you want buttered noodles.”

Will huffs, shoving his hands into the pockets of his borrowed, corny jacket. “I do want buttered noodles,” he grumbles, pushing past Lucas and out the door. Lucas claps him on the shoulder as he passes by, the same way he might do if it was one of his teammates.

“Atta boy,” Lucas says.

“Corny,” Will calls out as he trudges ahead down the hallway, not looking back.

Lucas rolls his eyes, laughing as he pulls the door shut and locks it behind him. “Give it back, then,” he replies loudly, trailing after him at a leisurely pace.

The jacket’s a little big on Will — an oversized fit by design, and probably a size bigger than he would order if he were buying it for himself — so the sleeves are longer on him than they are on Lucas, the cuff covering half of his hand. It’s kind of cute, Lucas thinks, even if it is corny. He likes seeing Will in his clothes, that the inch he has on Lucas doesn’t make up for the broadness Lucas has on him, that, unless Will starts hitting the gym, it’s always going to be that way.

The jacket’s a little big, and the sleeves are a little long, but not so long that they conceal the middle finger Will is throwing back at him, clear as day.

“No,” Will says, as if the bird wasn’t enough.

“Thought so,” Lucas says, and jogs to catch up with him.

[honeyhotteoks]

new chapter of across stardust incoming 👀

[flowerakatsuka]

thinking about kuroba again so i did some phone doodles of their high school & kun looks!

some notes about about kuro's high school design under the cut!

despite being in the school's beautification committee, kuroba never really put too much thought into their own physical appearance until they got into college, only really doing the bare minimum to look presentable in public. the only reason why they ended up cutting their hair in their 3rd year was because they were sick of it constantly falling into their face and dealing with it in general. ( cutting their hair did kickstart their interest in changing their look, though. figuring out their gender helped a lot, too. )

they used to have horrible posture, often hunching forward. this only improved in college, when they started binding and felt more confident in themself.

the major reason why karamatsu doesn't remember who kuroba is is because of how much their look has changed since they were in the same 2nd year class, along with their change in demeanor. he still faintly remembers his interactions with them, though. i imagine that if kuroba showed up in the movie, they'd have a flower instead of a head in kara's memories.

he would've attempted to become friends with kuroba in their 2nd year, but he ended up forgetting their name and felt so terrible about it that he couldn't bring himself to try reaching out to them before they changed classes. they probably ran into each other once or twice during their 3rd year, but kara never made the connection ( and continues to fail to do so when they meet again. )

[coridallasmultipass]

brocal for the ship bingo?

The OTP to end all other OTPs... (Man. This wound up being basically Cori's Masterpost of BroCal. AKA... this got long and has some images, since I realized I can post my own art directly instead of just a text link to it lol.)

Wasn't actually expecting this to wind up with a bingo? But I got basically 2?? (Will explain the lighter heart later.) This is A LONG post, and definitely gonna get SUGGESTIVE, bc man, am I obSESSED with BroCal. I'm just gonna go thru each checked box, since I don't know how else to structure this post lol.

Read More to save ppl's dashboards:

I want them to make out with blood: OKAY. I HAVE A WHOLE THING PLANNED FOR THIS CONCEPT. I AM NOT GOING TO GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT IT JUST YET BC I ACTUALLY WANNA WRITE IT. I'm obsessed with this one fanart of Bro licking Lil Cal, and it spurred on an idea I outlined and really wanna write: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/739969858334294016/hiiii-mutual-i-am-secrecy-asking-if-u-have-anymore

((Sorry for the plain text links, Tumblr app is NOT cooperating with me right now to add hyperlinks. I'd post the image directly if that one was mine.))

Basically, I just really need to see Bro and Cal making out with blood in their mouths, and I started a whole convoluted, unrelated outline in order to make that hapen. It'll probably just be a really short thing that ends at the uh climax, since otherwise it's gonna end up sadstuck. And I don't like sadstuck lol.

Undeniably t4t: Bro and Dirk are always trans for me, and Lil Cal's got that uh... what percentage did I calculate it out to be? 13% of Dirk is in Lil Cal [ My shitpost calculations: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/746702663327072256/i-ran-out-of-tags-rambling-about-this-so-im-just ] so Lil Cal is at least 13% trans because of that much of Dirk being in him, plus however you feel about the other components being trans. LMAO this is ridiculous to type out. Moving on.

EDIT: FUTURE CORI INTERJECTING WITH A:

"Lil Cal Top Surgery Healing Progess: Day 1"

Terrible for each other affectionate/derogatory: I don't even know where the affectionate/derogatory split occurs. I multiship BroCal as both Bro/normal puppet Lil Cal and as Bro/evil juju puppet Lil Cal, and whatever combination in between or outside of that. Terrible in that Bro is so obsessed with Cal that he doesn't have normal relationship/social skills and uses Lil Cal as both a crutch and motivator alternately, in a terrible cycle, or maybe rather... spiral. And also terrible in that Bro is caught in the allure of playing the role of puppeteer while also being a puppet for the darker parts of Lil Cal, whether he actively knows it or not. (Honestly though, I feel like it's dismissive if you try to blame all of Bro's faults on Lil Cal like this tho, which is why I tend towards liking Lil Cal as just a regular puppet a lil bit more. Or at least, a regular mildly supernatural puppet since that can be a little more entertaining if Cal can get into mischief while no one's looking or give off the vibes of his mood more directly, rather than like entirely inanimate or 'just LE, trapped in a puppet body.' Again, I like all of these concepts.) ((I mean that can also be a whole post of its own, like, by the time Bro gets ahold of Lil Cal, are any of the other components still alive in there? Like, are ARquius and Gamzee still in there or did Caliborn kill and consume them entirely? Idk how it works, man. This is why I like Lil Cal as his own person, maybe just influenced by the feelings of the others. LaCroix: CalGamARquius essenced water. Lil Croix.))

They need to get weirder with it: YES YES. 1000% YES. I need entirely shameless Bro doing entirely shamless things to Lil Cal. I want them inseparable and doing unspeakable things to each other. I want Bro taking full advantage of Cal having a puppet body and all the intimacy that comes with making repairs and being elbow-deep in stuffing.

Playing with them like dolls cute/psychological torture: This is the same divide as with the 'terrible for each other' point, so I'm just gonna go with the cute one, since the torture one is self-explanatory. I want them fucking married. Like. Full mushy cute romance type of relationship that Bro has never felt for any of the people in his life (cough aromantic cough). I made this comic not too long ago, and I often fondly look back on it, because I adore the concept of Bro being lovey and romantic and everything out of character around Lil Cal because he feels safe and loved and comfortable around Cal:

[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/750602227910131712/brocal-4-lyfe-so-i-had-this-idea-of-dave-being ]

I made a post a long, long time ago (not gonna link that one bc it was personal and I was being very obviously mentally ill ["C'mon, like you're not being obviously mentally ill while typing paragraph upon paragraph about BroCal still in 2024 like 10 years later??" Fair.]) But the gist of it was that, like, having objectophilia or objectum sexuality is like, from an outsider pov, it's a way to express love to yourself. You filter all your self-hate through the object you love, and you get back unconditional love in return.

Lil Cal is never gonna hate Bro, no matter what Bro does. As a regular puppet, Lil Cal doesn't have the capacity for hate. And so that only brings them closer, since Cal is never gonna reject Bro for any reason. (Back to being a crutch. RSD is real, and Dave is probably a big trigger for that since he's not on the same wavelength of weird as Bro [not blaming Dave, obviously, this is a post about BroCal].) Bro can experience receiving positive attention from Lil Cal, without feeling 'fake' or uncool by expressing that same attention or affection directly to his own self. (Things are always done through multiple layers with the Striders, aren't they?) ((And I'm not saying Lil Cal doesn't love Bro, or that their relationship is just pretend - it's real, I'm just like, 'What's going on behind the curtain in the mundane situation?/ How is the relationship appealing?' Lil Cal luvs Bro 5eva 4 lyfe and that's a hard fact. Could cut diamonds with that shit.)) Example: maybe Bro is dealing with a bout of body/gender dysphoria and is trying to take out his frustration with working out, and it's not helping, even if he's powered through a set better than normal. Then, he notices the way Lil Cal is watching him, and he can feel the excitement seeping off Cal. He can sense the echoes of a wolf-whistle ring out through his mind, and it's like. Okay, none of that shit from before matters, he's got all the validation he needs right there in Lil Cal. Maybe flex in Cal's direction, Bro?

Oh, so back to being cute: isn't it wonderful how the template maker phrased it as 'playing dolls'? But yeah, I want all the mush and everything. Bro has a whole wardrobe for Lil Cal for every minor event that occurs in the Strider household. I want them going on genuine dates. Maybe even... holding hands. Bro blushes for the first time since he was 16. He even gets to take Lil Cal with him when he goes out to DJ or put on a show. Not to mention the whole website business. (I've talked about Cal's role in that before, but I'll mention it in a moment...)

They will die in a heart shaped pool of blood: I mean, kinda did happen, even tho Lil Cal didn't perma die right there. I don't think this one needs any explanation, since it basically happens in canon.

'You should see the other guy...': Okay, so. About 11 years ago, I had a really great idea. About how smuppets enter this world. I expanded on it in the following more-recent post (adult only content lol): https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741683686717669376/back-in-the-day-my-friends-called-me-insane-when-i

To sum it up, whenever Bro makes a new smuppet design, he then gives it a video debut on his website, where uh, Lil Cal births the smuppet like it's a horror movie scene, fake blood and poly-fil gore all over the place as the smuppet crawls out from the viscera. Bro then gets to play aftercare by lovingly and gently cleaning up and restuffing Lil Cal as they get to admire their new creation and rake in the dough lol.

So it's technically not a 'you should see the other guy' kinda situation, but it does involve one of them being... idk what word would describe it. Injured by the other? Usually a character loses a fight and says this to act like they got out of it better than the other guy, but... We could have someone knock on the door during the filming of a scene like that, and Bro has to answer it with fake blood up to his elbows, and be like 'You should see the other guy.' (But obviously, that's a terrible idea and would cause more trouble than it's worth... Maybe worth it for a persistent door to door salesperson, though.)

Though, I guess I should also say, I'm not opposed to Bro beating on Lil Cal in or out of the bedroom. Or in the case of animate Lil Cal, Cal choking out Bro. In or out of the bedroom, lol. Depends on the situation, like I said I will ship this ship any which way. But my preference for animate Lil Cal is to be like a totally normal puppet around Bro (or mushy in-love with Bro) and then evil-murder-puppet towards anyone else in Bro's life, like a... toxic yaoi guard puppet. (New Phrase Achievement Unlocked!) Bro brings home another guy to have sex, who tries to stay the night due to the late hour, but the guy wakes up shortly after to see Lil Cal standing there with a knife in the dark, eyes glowing red. Panic ensues when the guest screams and freaks out, and by the time Bro's got a light on, grabbing his sword, ready for a ninja vs ninja fight (bc an intruder would've had to bypass all the traps), Lil Cal is just innocently splayed across the desk chair, no knife in sight. Relevant post (well, the caption on the post too, saying how Bro can't seem to hold onto any relationships besides Lil Cal):

[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741830516962164736/i-want-you-so-youre-mine-always-selfishly ]

Uh, lol, also Cal choking out Bro in the bedroom, adult only drawing: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/754328907438800896/i-wouldnt-wanna-be-my-ex-when-he-found-out-who

Thinking about them always and forever: Listen. My Tumblr as proof, I've had BroCal on the brain for at least 11 years at this point. Definitely longer, since I first started reading Homestuck. I fucking love puppets and dolls and plushies and I always have. Man, if I hadn't deleted Tweets (automated app I used to do, and I couldn't choose what to save) from when I was in high school, you could've seen me @ ing my fave band when they were taking lyric suggestions on a fan-inspired album, where I was telling them 'make a song where the theme is puppets' and, while I don't know if they saw that or took the suggestion (they had responded to me before bc they weren't huge yet), there is indeed a song titled "Puppets" on that album, and it was my favourite song on there. Point is, I was fated to ship BroCal before I even knew it existed.

Sicko 2 sicko communication: I mean, does this even need explaining? Bro and Cal aren't just on the same wavelength of freaky, they're the fucking source of the wavelength, and it's causing a feedback loop between them. And it does as feedback does, which is, it amplifies with time. (Going back to the spiral symbolism here, lol.) ((Actually, time can play a symbol here, too, I guess, but idk how to word it, I'm starting to run out of steam.))

Let them have a happy ending: God, I need this so badly. I know Bro's story ends in Homestuck, but like. Pls. Someone needs to officiate their wedding. Currently placing the dreambubble order, but I can't organize a wedding by myself. OH speaking of. In that lil comic I did above, where Bro is accepting Lil Cal's proposal, I had the Natural Born Killers wedding scene in mind. I was gonna draw that as a follow up, but I think I have too many WIPs going. Just two people on the run, saying "I do" in a scenic but completely ordinary roadside location. Idk why, I keep going back to that movie for things related to Bro (I mention it in a very important scene in a longer WIP I've been writing, as something Bro watched and internalized as a kid lol.) It's not the best movie lol. Anyway.

The devotion omg: I feel like I have already gotten my point across about this, but let me reiterate:

[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/735842968450269184/in-the-name-of-iconic-magical-girl-anime-ill ]

Bro and Lil Cal absolutely beat the shit outta Jack Noir before he gets prototyped. And even then, they fight together till the death, like. C'mon. Nothing more romantic than fighting a losing battle side by side. Also, like, Lil Cal having his own protective chest for safekeeping as seen in the Strider living room? Like, you don't just have a protective case for any old thing, especially something meant to be handled, especially something that is regularly used to smack other things/humans. What I'm saying is, Lil Cal is durable and resilient, and yet, Bro still has a case for transporting Cal safely. Oh, wait, I just thought of something funny, what if Lil Cal goes feral like a cat, and basically the chest is like a cat carrier so Bro can drive without being constricted lmaoooo, I've been typing for hours can you tell?

Kind of homophobic: Listen. I HAD a Cal. Took him to college. Staked my claim on the top bunk bc I am royalty. Proceeded to not have anywhere to set my water cup and had to use a cardboard box as a table up there. Spilled water. Melted Cal's sharpie-drawn face. And then proceeded to cry. I have a WIP of Lil Cal 2, but that requires actually remembering to work on him. I wanna do better by the pattern, too, since I rushed to finish the first. I have all the material! I have the project started! So it's just a matter of reordering my WIP priorities, honestly.

Where is all the fucking content?!: For realzz. I was actually venting about this the other day (didn't end up posting it), but it's like, either there's no BroCal content, or there IS BroCal content, but I can't reblog it for reasons I don't want to get into on this post. I'm dying of thirst in the ocean, basically. Whatever. This just means I need to make more BroCal content myself, which I am more than happy to do. I've just had a rough past few months, so I'm glad I got to type all this post out, and hopefully I can get back to creating soon.

Last one! I hope this one makes up for the absurd length of the post, it's prob my new fave idea I just came up with on the spot.

[TW drink spiking by a stranger mentioned in this.]

Committing atrocities as their silly little activities: I think we all know what this means, but I am going to ignore that elephant with my special x-ray vision. Because this is a BroCal post. I'm digging deep to the meat and bones of this. Honestly, this could go multiple routes, it depends on how you take your Lil Cal.

One could place emphasis on the 'guard' part of the, ahem ahem, toxic yaoi guard puppet. Maybe someone is actually trying to harm Bro, and Bro legit can't do anything for reasons outside of his control - let's say his drink got spiked a while after he invited a stranger home that he thought was chill. As Bro gets shoved down on the futon, his memory of the night is only a few flickers. Familiar orange plush, roiling around above him like a dancing windsock. Flashes of Lil Cal's face all distorted and stretched wide like a funhouse. J-Lo and Ice Cube on the TV. But when Bro is finally able to fully wake up in the morning, everything is as if he just got home alone last night and passed out on the futon. Cal looks totally normal and content tucked under Bro's warm arm. Except when Bro gets up, there is a pair of shoes too big to belong to him at the door. Maybe Bro knows. Maybe instinct tells him to run. Maybe he does, but he's running towards Lil Cal, every time.

[scionshtola]

had three days off and i was head empty the entire time. woke up this morning with actual words in my brain to write and i have to go to work. this is so rude

[all-seeing-ifer]

new origin of species chapter everyone!!! let's all cheer and clap for the horrors! featuring vampires' struggles with invitations, a sort-of appearance by lilah, and me finally being able to tag this as hurt/comfort bc it is no longer Just Hurt All The Way Down. yay!

hope u all enjoy (?) heads up that this'll probably be the last chapter for a few months bc I'm trying to use november to finish a full first draft of the whole fic and editing is gonna be taking a backseat to that

thank u so much as ever to my beta reader @terminalnaps and my friend kj for his LA knowledge, as well as a couple of others who I'm keeping hush about here but they get a shoutout in the end notes

[silvery-bluish]

12 for ars for the touchy prompt

It’s been Months whoops. Thank you for the ask!!

Contents: Pushing a strand of hair behind their ear, Arsinoe & Themmy. Stepdays.

Wordcount: 499

Warnings: None!

12. Pushing a strand of hair behind their ear

Door one is easy enough, slip your gloves off and into your pockets to pick the lock more easily. The second is— less so. Mostly because there isn’t actually a keyhole on the side of the door you’re on. Deadbolt on the other side, maybe.

“Your turn,” you say, making a little gesture for Themmy to go ahead, because while lockpicks are more subtle, acid’s useful in a pinch.

They grin at you, rubbing their hands together briefly. Yellow daffodils on their nails that are about to vanish rather abruptly. “Gonna make me do the hard work, huh?”

“I’d unscrew the damn thing if I could reach the hinges,” you say, little head tilt as you consider the doorframe. They laugh, pressing their hands against the seam between door and doorframe. The acrid sizzle of acid on metal.

You fuss with your lockpicks, tucking them back into their pocket against your ribs. Slim zipper hidden by teal piping.

“I’ve got my damn hair in my eyes again,” Anathema gripes, hands still planted on approximately where the hinges are. “I always forget to bring a spare hair tie.”

You’re quiet a moment, watching the metal sizzle and listening to them continue to grumble about it under their breath. Fidget with your pockets, circle of elastic ending up around your wrist. “Do you want help?” you ask, and their eyes flick over to you, half-obscured by red curls fallen into their face.

You pluck the elastic around your wrist in emphasis, and their eyes soften, smile curling the edges of what used to be an annoyed expression. Good. Their face is shaped for smiling, not scowling. You always felt like it suited them better.

“Sure, Arsenic. Ponytail me.” A little laugh, as they tilt their head towards you. “Doesn’t need to be a nice one.”

You smile back at them, not that they can tell through your mask. Quick slide of your hand to tuck hair behind one of their ears, temporary stopgap before you circle around to behind them.

Once you’re out of sight, they ask, “Are you carrying around hair ties for me?” It’s half-tease half-touched, like they already know the answer without you saying anything.

“They’re useful for other things,” you defend, and then, “You always forget.” Carefully pull their hair together at the nape of their neck, trying not to yank on it or tickle them.

Your nails catch on their hair, a little, chipped polish, but they don’t complain about it. Bundled together bright red curls, remnants of bright colored hair chalk clinging to the strands. Getting on your hands, too, but that’s alright. Loop the hair tie once, twice, a careful third time to hold it in place.

“Thanks,” Themmy says, when you’ve finished and pulled your hands away. You haven’t stepped away yet, so they bump you gently with their shoulder. Your mask is still down, so they can’t see it, but you’re still smiling at them.

You’re pretty sure they can tell anyway.

[golden-valya]

I finally got the energy to do some stuff

Drew 11 poses, filled 2 pages

^ learned that I need to use less strokes and/or make my lines smoother

(also I need to draw more dudes)

Read/annotated 2 cantos of Inferno

Got my laptop set up and organized

Started a new show

Today was not a great art day honestly. Also, since I'm taking college courses, pretty much all of my friends have already started school, and it feels weird having my classes start on different days. I still have roughly a month of break, and I think I'm going to explodeee

[ kitties below cut ]

[radiation-bird]

Whelp, this is mostly just gonna be edits and shitty writing, possibly some shitty drawings if i ever actually take up drawing again. Literally only here so I don't clog up my main blog, uh, mostly Soul Eater at the moment as the tism is indeed tisming.

Anyways, my name is Crow and my pronouns are they/them or it/it's though i generally don't actually care. Im making stuff for me and me alone, if you like it too that's great if not whelp you aren't my target audience anyways lmao

Main tags i use: Irradiated thoughts = random text posts, mostly head cannons. Irradiated rambling = fan fiction. Bird scratches = my art (don't expect much of that). Bird answers = Answering asks n stuff

Main blog is @radiation-poisoned-crow if you wanna know, far more active there. Ao3 user is Radiation_Bird. Uhh... will update this later, probably.

[sanchoyo]

hate hate hate how you have to make a twitter account to see ppls tweets now. like I deleted mine for a reason (rancid bad vibes + more ads and bots than posts) but some artists I like are ONLY on twt and :( man... I get how annoying having 23434 social medias to post stuff on is. im not really annoyed at the artists who do that (just having 1 place for their art) but im annoyed at the websites that do this -_- let me innn

[run-muse-dot-exe]

[[ OOPS got sick, called off, and then slept for six hours in the middle of the day!! ill get to drafts/asks/DMs probably sometime tomorrow afternoon. ]]

[piningpercussionist]

“MKIM”

“Fuck”

“KIM (ignore the first message)”

“I think im back at scotts???”

“All I know is that im back in my cabinet with my lack of a roommate”

“I should get a new roommate”

“Oh hey are you and ramona dating now I heard you two kiss good (I was trapped like right next to ramona I think???? I couldn’t see at all)”

-🐇 (She’s very tired and wish she went to bed earlier)

Kim taps her fingers anxiously against the couch she is seated on, feeling particularly tense.

It's the next morning, and she is... very tired.

After she'd answered the texts from last night, she'd look down to find Ramona passed out on the floor beneath her; while amusing, it had proven to be an ordeal getting her back to her house, and Kim had probably made a good few enemies marching straight through the party stragglers making her exit.

That was neither here or there, however; because, now, here she was, waiting for whenever Ramona would wake up and come downstairs.

Her back ached horribly, having opted not to just sleep in Ramona's bed. She'd wanted to, but it was a bit much for how many GUT POINTS she'd already spent.

Her eyes flick over to her phone as it vibrates, and after a slight pause, she takes it, flipping it open to read and respond.

I... Don't know? I'll get back to you on that.

Uh

Sorry if you heard all that, then

Yeesh

That's embarrassing.

Glad you got back to... Scott's cabinet I guess. Is it even hospitable though?

She snaps her phone shut and puts it back down where it was before, placing her head in her hands to sit and playback the night before.

(... there's no heterosexual explanation for that, Kim. You're not blaming the booze this time.)

She lets out a frustrated groan before planting her face against the cushions, wrapping her arms around her head.

(She's not running. Yet. So you don't get to run either, you absolute fucking moron. You made this mess.)

There is a moment of silence in her head.

(... do I need to say something to Scott? Like apologize or something? Fuck...)

[offlineblues]

i think more bots have followed me than actual humans at this point. it's a little depressing

good evening to all 90 of you regardless. sorry i never use this website enough, i need to organize and follow more tags and people, but it's tough! i want more time in the day... gah...