#mocking her about for over half a year are like.... not a thing n uve never met those lol

[pissmoon]

IF INSTAGRAM BITCHES STILL WANT TO DISCOURSE 'PICKMES' IN MF 2023 OK HERE WE GO. I have many thoughts about how 'feminist' criticism of 'im not like other girls' is centered around the idea that the only reason why a teenage girl could ever feel like this is being motivated by 'male attention' alone, and never ever because, at that age they dont have much better language to describe the feeling of alienation from the gender roles and expectations on what it means to be a 'girl'. If u throw the term 'internalized misogyny' around so much it should not be hard for you to understand that women and even little girls are socially conditioned to reinforce the patriarchy, women are the guard dogs of the patriarchy actually. Like this is 101 shit to anyone that thinks they get to call themselves a 'feminist'. Little girls who are raised to believe that 'girls' should always be put together, not act up, obsessed with their looks, have to like pink and 'girly' stuff and its abnormal if they do not will often bully and ostraticize girls who dont conform or care about this type of social expectations and standards (depends on your environment, maybe you were lucky enough to not go to school with such girls, but it doesnt mean they dont exist). Like you are 6 years old and everyone ever gives you all clothes everything ever in pink like other colors dont exist - some kids have a very strong gut reaction to being told they 'have to' like something which is why so many girls had a long phase of hating the color pink. 'You HAVE TO like it as a girl' 'no, the fuck, i dont' is a reasonable reaction. These girls are told they are weirdos for being 'not like other (REAL) girls' because they dare to not like wearing hair in braids and skirts feel uncomfy to them since the beginning but if they choose to reclaim it and take pride in the fact they can just be themselves without caring what they are supposed to be like as 'girls', its them who have an internalized misogyny problem, never the girls who bullied them for being bad at makeup, right? 'Its not that all girls are this or that' they are fucking kids and teenagers and society was telling them all girls are this or that since day 1 and they ended up believing it, boo hoo. Performing feminity is unrealistic and hard enough for children that they feel alienated from the idea they are a 'real' girl. This brutal enforcement of 'feminity' which is an abstract concept as default in women and girls causes so much needless division between girls/women, it all causes needless polarization over the fact that we are human beings with different aesthetics, fashion, hobbies, temperaments, interests, personalities. We are made to feel like we dont belong, like we are freak abomitations who will never be 'real' women if our hair is messier and we dont care about having our nails done. How about that, how is none of that ever a part of the discussion. And some will say oh these girls were probably lesbian/bi/non-binary/trans dudes, but like my point here is that this shit is 100% alienating for cishet women as well and it doesnt make u inherently trans or something to not like pink and makeup lmfao

[toomuch-caffeine]

Titles don't matter

AO3 link

Word count: 8726

Summary: First, Happy was dating some mysterious woman. Then his new nephew turned out to be superhero. And now Tony somehow gained a kid.

Rating: Teen

Warnings: kidnapping, gunshot wounds, unnamed bad guy's death

A/N: Reposted from AO3, third fic in a series

---

A big reveal of Spider-Man’s identity and by consequence Happy’s mysterious girlfriend, who was a vigilante’s Aunt, brought a lot of yelling and long conversations in med bay. Said vigilante was a teenager and hid the fact that he fights criminals in his pajamas for more than a year, which made his Aunt mix of angry, guilty and terrified. When the situation calmed down, a couple of days after Peter Parker woke up from the surgery and had a chance to defend his actions, Tony made a proposition to May and Happy. Peter could train in the Tower with the Avengers and also would make a super suit with Tony. A suit that would contain a lot of safety protocols and a way to control young hero’s actions by adults.

That’s how Tony ended up giving a tour of his workshop. He observed the awestruck teenager in front of him. Peter looked around, lips slightly parted and eyes wide open. Tower’s lab was definitely an update from dumpsters and school workshops. It occupied two whole floors, one of them belonged to Tony, one to Bruce. Sleek holotables and expensive materials were enough to make every nerdy teenager’s knees weak. There was still some clutter in the corner, but Tony had cleaned up a bit, to impress Peter more.

“Come on, kid, that’s your workstation.” Tony showed a big, empty oval table, to a lingering in a threshold kid. Peter’s eyes widened even more, something that Tony didn’t think was possible.

“Wow, seriously?”

“Yeah. And those are Dum-E and U.” Tony didn’t even have to motion at the two robots, as both of them were currently surrounding Peter, trying to get to know the newcomer. Kid petted both of them, laughing and they seemed satisfied. He was seriously endearing. Couple of minutes spent with him and Tony could already tell why he wormed his way to Happy’s heart in no time. He was still shy with Tony and other Avengers, but around May and Happy he acted like a rambling ball of sunshine. He was too polite for his own sake and looking at his school records, Tony could tell, he was brilliant and right now he wanted to test that.

“So, introductions are done, time for fun!” Tony clapped his hands. “You can use everything in here-”

“Oh my god, this is like the best day of my life, Ned, you know, my friend, won’t believe me!”

“-but there are gonna be rules,” Tony continued. Mention of the rules brought all of Peter’s attention to him.

“First of all, FRIDAY won’t let you in the lab without me or Bruce present. You can experiment with whatever you want, but you have to run your ideas by me or Bruce or FRIDAY first. If you set something on fire, Dum-E has a fire extinguisher. Don’t eat or drink anything bots give you, they mix food with motor oil.

“Okay, so for the first project, we’ll do your spider suit together and you will learn along the way what FRIDAY can do, where are the tools and so on.” Tony sat down next to Peter, motioned for holograms to appear. “So, let’s get started.”

~~~

Tony never liked having company in the workshop. Other people were loud and nagging him to do stuff like eating or sleeping. But then came Bruce, who was quiet, could keep up with him and stand his moods. And then Peter appeared. The kid that understood arc reactor technology and Bruce’s papers. Even when something posed a problem to him, explaining was a pleasure, not a hindrance. He actually wanted to teach him all that he could and he already made several notes of what to do with the kid after they finished the suit. Peter’s ramblings replaced his workshop playlist and soon Tony knew all about his friends and teachers, his stories from patrols, as well as his favorite dishes and ice cream flavors. So he enjoyed working with Peter. His teammates might have also noticed that.

~~~

“Keep this up young spider and you will beat me in sparring,” Natasha praised him after the training. Peter, red faced from exertion, smiled and thanked. Then, he quickly grabbed a bottle that Steve threw at him from behind. He opened it and took a sip.

“Wow, I’m so hungry right now,” he stated.

“We have a lunch in an hour, think you will survive ‘til then?”

“Uhh, I don’t know, who’s cooking?”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, because there’s your favorite pizza waiting for you in the lab.” Another voice butted in. The owner of this voice appeared a moment after. “Spiderling! Come on, we’re burning sunlight!”

“But Mr. Stark, it’s not even noon and we don’t need sunlight in the lab!”

“Yeah, but Happy picks you up at 5, come on, come on, we have a lot to do.”

“Stark, stop making excuses to hog the kid just for yourself,” Natasha joked.

“Yeah, it’s been a month and he spent that mostly with you in the lab,” Bucky backed her up.

“Well, maybe because he knows who is best. Kiddo, who’s your favorite Avenger?” Tony shot them all a smile and clapped Peter on the shoulder.

“Well, I don’t know, but Bruce Banner is pretty cool? You know the most renowned scientist of his generation, his work on gamma rad-“

“You ungrateful child. I build a multimillion dollar super suit with you and that’s how you repay me?” Tony mocked outrage and started dragging Peter out of the gym. “We’re going. But maybe take a shower first.”

~~~

“Parker, you’re cheating!” Sam shouted when Peter threw at him another blue shell and won the race.

“I’m not cheating!”

“That’s not fair!”

“Rules allow that!”

“Then the rules are wrong!” Sam threw his hands up in the air. “God, I can’t believe that I lost to a teenager.”

Clint, who came the last, said, laying face first on the carpet, “You never win with kids in those things. Seriously, I have three of them, I know it.”

“Kid? Where are you? You said you are going to eat. Did the fridge eat you?” Tony came shouting.

“I’m sorry Mr. Stark, but Mr. Barton and Mr. Wilson invited me to play Mario Kart with them,” Peter answered beaming.

“And how did you do?”

“I won!” Peter gestured at the screen with the results and two defeated men.

“That’s great. Hey, when you come to the lab, I’ll let you mess with Iron Man repulsors.”

“Oh my god, yes!” Peter’s eyes lit up and he hurried after Tony.

“Wow, Tony stole Happy’s kid,” Sam said incredulously, when they both left.

“Do you think he will hide and lock him in his lab forever?” Clint lifted himself from the carpet.

“Dunno. Wanna go another round?”

~~~

So when the summer break ended, Spider-Man’s suit tested and ready to use, the atmosphere in the workshop changed. Kid started spending mornings at school and afternoons alternating between patrols and spending time in the lab. But the amount of time spent together was significantly smaller and emptiness started annoying Tony. It did wonders to his responsibilities to SI and Avengers Initiative as he was less inclined to lock himself up in the workshop.

~~~

“Tony, did something blow up here?” Bruce entered his workshop and stopped in his tracks, shell-shocked and looking around. He hadn’t been in Tony’s workshop for a long time as he worked mostly in his or small med bay’s lab and it was Tony, who would pay friendly visits to other labs (or come to bother Bruce). Currently, on Peter’s workstation were piling papers and textbooks. Every other surface was covered in post-it notes with Spanish vocabulary.

“I’m helping Peter with Spanish.”

“Tony, do you even know Spanish?” Bruce asked with raised eyebrows.

“I do now.”

“So… You are learning Spanish. For Peter,” Bruce stated.

“I’m learning for myself. It’s just a side effect that I can help him.”

“And it has nothing to do with Nat and Bucky teaching him Russian?”

“Nothing.”

“Sure. Now, do you have a UV lamp? Mine had broken down.”

“Oh, yeah, it’s there.”

~~~

“Soo, Mr. Stark, I have a question, you don’t have to say yes, of course…” Kid said, playing with a zipper.

“Just spit it out.”

“Cannedcometotheworkshopplease?” Peter let out a question in one breath with unbelievable speed.

“Say that again, but slower?”

“Can Ned come to the workshop, please? We have a robotics project for school, an-“

“Jesus, of course you can invite your friend over, you don’t need to stress so much.”

“Thank you Mr. Stark!”

And that’s how Tony ended up giving a lab tour to another teenager, this time a chubby, Asian kid, that gave the gaping fish impression at the first sight of the workshop.

“So, kiddos, what do you need to do for your little project?”

The project ended up with a very angry May Parker yelling at him.

“Stark! Why the fuck school called me to tell me that Peter’s last project was to dangerous to show in class?” Her lips were pressed into a thin line and she crossed her arms.

“Wha- It wasn’t anything that would blow up?” Tony said hesitantly as he didn’t exactly remember what he came up with.

“There were lasers, Tony.”

“Not very dangerous, if you ask me, just for a show.” He was sure that he didn’t let kids put anything that would destroy school in their project.

“Lasers that apparently cut a school desk and a whiteboard in half.” Or maybe he did. “He was given a 3 day suspension for bringing dangerous objects to school!”

“Oh, wow, I mean, that’s bad…” Tony was literally unable to act guilty, because that meant Peter would be out of school, and that meant…

“He’s not going to spend that time with you.” May Parker’s sharp voice cut off his train of thoughts.

“Oh…”

He spent those three days redecorating and personalizing the guest room, where Peter had stayed a couple of times. His actions brought some half-hidden smiles from his teammates and Pepper, but he shrugged it off.

~~~

“Pepper, why did you take my intern?”

“I didn’t take anyone, Tony.” Pepper leveled him with a stare. “Peter came to me, asking for help with English essay for school.”

“Why didn’t he ask me?”

“Because you said that English classes are useless and he should ditch them.”

“What? No! I didn’t! Why would I?” Tony sputtered.

“FRIDAY, pull up the footage, please,” Pepper said with an exhale.

“Okay, FRIDAY, don’t, I did, but I shouldn’t. Kid, don’t ditch school, your education is important.”

“Well, I can always become a full time Avenger.”

“Wha- no! No, you can’t, I forbid, you are going to finish high school, then go to MIT and then work in SI, and you are not going to be a full time Avenger. Over my dead body!” Tony’s speech made both Pepper and Peter laugh.

“I was just joking.” Peter scrunched his eyebrows as some thought just came to him. “Have you already planned my life for me?”

“No?”

“Oookay,” he replied, dragging the o. “Anyway, I just thought, that Pepper has more experience in humanities that you,” said Peter

“So when you are done with English, head down to the lab, because I have some upgrade ideas to discuss with you.”

Tony shot a glare at Pepper and she glared back. Tony decided to do a tactical retreat and leave the room.

~~~

“Tony, wait!” Happy called after him. “Look, I just wanted to talk about Peter.” That grabbed Tony’s attention.

“Is he okay? I didn’t get any-“

“No, no, he’s fine, I just wanted to talk about him. And you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I talked with May and she noticed that as well and he spends a lot of time with you.”

“If you want me to stop h-“

“I don’t want you to stop, there’s just a building full of people who also want to spend time with him.” Happy’s words were rushed and he seemed out of breath.

“So what do you want me to do, throw him out of the workshop?”

“Tony, just don’t go around complaining that he’s currently doing something with someone else.” Happy made a placating gesture and continued, “Look, I know you love him, I do too , but you can’t monopolize all his time.”

Tony opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He thought about his interactions with Peter for the past couple of months. Yeah, he liked the kid, liked teaching and helping him, a lot of his Spider-Man’s adventures had raised his heart rate and had given him a few gray hairs, but love? Nope, he didn’t need it and the kid didn’t need it.

He finally found his voice, “I don’t l-“

“God, you are an emotionally stunted idiot.” Happy shook his head. “Everyone sees that. Talk with Pepper.”

“Oh-okay,” Tony replied in confusion.

~~~

Pepper and Tony were laying in bed, the former reading a book, the latter looking at some blueprints.

“Happy said that I love Peter,” Tony dropped suddenly. The woman closed a book and turned on her side to look at him.

“And you don’t agree with that,” she stated.

“Well, it’s not like I don’t agree with it, but…”

“Tony, you literally started learning a new language to help him. And you also do your paperwork, while he does his homework, because you want to set a good example. You also started sleeping and eating regularly, for the same reason.”

“I just want to be a good example.”

“I also know something else.”

“Hmm?”

“Your will.”

“Oh.” Tony had, in fact, updated his will a month before and made Peter his sole heir. Peter wasn’t aware of this fact as Tony waited for him to be eighteen. May, as a legal guardian, and Happy, by extension, were the only ones informed about it. “But you know, he’s clever.”

“Would you do that to every clever kid?”

“…no.” Pepper smiled and picked up her book. Tony stared at the ceiling, thinking. After a minute he said, “He also said that I spend too much time with him.”

“Happy said that?”

“Uh-huh…”

“Tony… He just means that you are fairly annoying, when Peter spends time with the team and you come dragging him to the workshop.”

“I don’t drag him anywhere.”

“You know what I mean,” Pepper responded disapprovingly.

“Okay, okay, I know.”

After the beat of silence Tony spoke again, “You know, we could make our own kids.”

“You already have one.”

“He’s Happy’s and May’s, I just borrowed him.”

“And after we make our own, you are going to give him back?”

“Ehh, no, he grew on me.” Tony blinked, realizing something. “Wait you said after? Does that mean-“

“Good night, Tony.” Pepper turned off the lights.

“But you don’t dismiss the idea…”

“Good night.”

~~~

He did make it weird. They were five minutes into their usual lab time and Tony couldn’t stop staring at the kid and recalling conversations with Happy and Pepper. Peter , currently unaware of the turmoil inside Tony , was sitting at his workstation, chewing on a pencil and focusing on calculus homework. Tony sitting with his own pile of papers moved his eyes to the sheet of paper before him. ‘ Article 5c…' What the fuck am I reading? He looked on the desk, where read pieces of paper were laying. Apparently it was a contract. He didn’t recall its content at all. He looked at Peter again. Still chewing on a pencil.

“Hey, don’t chew on that!”

“What?”

“You’ll destroy your teeth by chewing on pencils.”

Peter scrunched his eyebrows.

“Seriously?” He looked at the pencil and at Tony. “Why are you so weird today?”

“I’m not weird.”

“You are looking at me.”

“Maybe I like watching you.” As soon as those words left his mouth, Tony winced internally at them. Great, now he is a creepy, rich guy, who likes watching teenagers. “Or maybe not.” Peter’s eyebrows raised in question. “But I still like you.”

“You are being really weird,” Peter said, unsure of what he should do.

“Do you like being here?”

“Sure, why wouldn’t I?”

“You are not feeling obligated to do so? You wouldn’t prefer to spend time with Steve right now?”

“I don’t understand…”

“It’s a simple question, Pete.”

“Yeah, but I don’t understand why you are asking me that.”

“Just answer it, kid.”

“No , I don’t feel obligated to spend time here. I wouldn’t prefer to spend time with Steve right now” Peter replied, confusion and nervousness clearly visible, with how he started playing with the pencil.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s good, good talk, go back to your homework.” Peter looked at him quizzically for a moment, then he shrugged and went back to calculus. Tony started going through the contract. Except after five lines he lost his focus again and started thinking about Peter again. Emotions were always confusing for him and it didn’t help that everything about a situation was complicated. He couldn’t exactly Google ‘my bodyguard is dating a woman with a kid and I think I kind of love that kid, but I’m not sure what to do.’ Happy and Pepper both said that it’s okay and their only complaint was he tries to keep Peter to himself too much. And he was willing to admit that they were in fact right. But that was followed by the doubts if Peter actually wants to spend time in the workshop or if he just a pressured poor kid, who didn’t feel like he could refuse. Even if he wanted to spend time with him, where would he draw the line ? He had May and Happy as, well, parental figures. So what did it make Tony?

“Why are you staring at me again, Tony ? ” Peter’s voice startled him. He didn’t even notice when he moved his gaze from paperwork before him to kid again.

“I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are.”

Tony moved his eyes to the ceiling and sighted.

“Okay, I am. But I want to talk to you about something and I don’t know how.” Talking about feelings. Apparently a mature thing to do.

“Oh. Did I do something wrong? Because-“

“No, no, no, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Tony quickly denied. “Wait. Why did you think that you did something wrong? Did you?” He stared intensely at Peter.

“No, I just, you know…”

“Okay, never mind, we’ll talk about this later.” Tony took a big breath and started, “I talked with Happy. And Pepper. They both thi-“ A ping from his phone interrupted him, he looked at it and swore. “Okay, looks like we need to postpone our conversation.”

“What’s going on? Is that a mission? Should I-“

“Not a mission, stay there and do your homework, I’m going to be back soon or I’ll send Pepper.” Tony quickly left the workshop and once he was out of hearing range, he said, “FRIDAY, what’s going on?”

“There was a shooting at Central Park. Happy Hogan and May Parker were involved.”

“Are they okay?”

“911 reports say that Mr. Hogan was injured.”

“Send location to the suit, I’m going there. Divert the ambulance with Happy to the Tower, inform Cho and Pepper of the situation.”

“What should I tell Mr. Parker?”

“Don’t tell him anything yet.”

May and Happy had a date tonight, they should’ve been safe. But something happened and Tony had to do damage control quickly.

~~~

There was already the police and an ambulance departing the scene. Tony couldn’t see neither Happy nor May anywhere. He hoped that they were both in the ambulance that he saw leaving. He landed and immediately saw the crowd turn to him. He didn’t have time for fans and questions, ignoring them, he confidently strode towards NYPD officers, the crowd parting like the Red Sea.

“What’s going on, where’s May Parker and Happy Hogan?”

“Excuse me Mr. Stark, but you have to stand behind that tape.” one of the officers pointed with a finger.

“Mr. Hogan is my employee and has close ties to the Avengers and as such, that case falls under our jurisdiction,” he quickly replied, leveling the cop with a stare. It was a young looking man in uniform. His eyes widened and he opened his mouth in shock.

“Okay, I know that you are here to just keep the crowd away. Just bring me to someone, who is in charge here,” Tony quickly added more calmly. This worked, because he quickly found himself in the company of Detective Morrison and Detective Slater. Both of them were tall, unimpressed looking men.

“I understand Mr. Stark that you are nervous, but we are currently questioning the witnesses.” Morrison crossed his arms over the chest. Tony looked at his phone. Steve was trying to get that case handed over to them, but there’s only so much that can be done in five minutes and without any proof that it was an Avengers-level threat. Happy was admitted in the Tower’s med bay, unconscious and with a bullet hole. May Parker wasn’t with him and Tony was currently trying to locate her.

“You don’t understand. I just need to talk to a woman. May Parker. This high, brown hair, wears glasses. She was with Happy Hogan and probably will know what happened here.”

“I’m sorry, but there was no woman matching your description among people on scene when we arrived.” Finally Tony got confirmation of what he suspected all along and could act on that. He unblocked his phone and chose the number.

“Rogers, shooting in Central Park, May Parker wasn’t on scene when authorities had arrived, she’s possibly missing.” Then he turned to the Detectives, “We’ll need the witness statements that you’ve gathered.” He handed them a business card.

~~~

Back at the Tower Tony immediately rushed to the workshop. Peter was still there, having finished homework, he was preparing a web fluid.

“Hey, kid,” Tony started. Peter jumped in surprise and spilled the chemicals. He moved to clean it, but Tony stopped him

“Leave this. We need to talk.”

“Uhh, yeah, you'd said that before you left.”

“About something else, actually.” He placed his hands on the kid's shoulders and pushed him gently in the direction of a lab stool. “Sit down.” Peter complied and turned his attention to him.

“I left, because FRIDAY informed me of… shooting in Central Park. Happy and May were involved in it. Happy is currently in surgery and we don’t know where May is.” Tony decided to be short. As he watched Peter’s expression morph from neutral to disbelief and then pure shock and fear, he thought that maybe being more gentle and less direct was a better idea.

“What? No! That’s not… Please…” Peter’s breath quickened and started coming in short pants. He swayed on the unstable lab stool. Tony caught him by his shoulders.

“You need to breathe, kid or you’re gonna pass out.”

Fortunately Peter was able to get his breathing under control on his own and didn’t work himself into a full-blown panic attack. After a short silence filled only with the sound of his inhales and exhales, he feebly said, “I want to help.”

“Absolutely not,” Tony answered sternly and moved back.

“It’s May!”

“That is exactly why you won’t be doing anything!”

“You don’t understand!”

“Yes, I do! You won’t be able to keep your cool and you will be a liability not help! We can’t afford that!”

“Well, you can’t stop me!”

“Oh, yes I can. FRIDAY, Peter is not allowed to leave the Tower or access any files on the case.” Tony gave his orders to AI and looked at Peter. The teenager was fuming.

“You have no right!”

“If you think I’m the bad guy here, you can talk to Steve, he’s going to tell you the same thing.”

“I hate you!” Peter pushed him and stormed out of the workshop.

“FRIDAY, tell him that he should go to med bay to keep Happy company,” Tony barked out and then sighted, sat down by the desk and put his head in his arms. Somehow he managed to destroy everything in two minutes. Well, at least he knew where he stood. He rubbed his face and got up. Team was waiting for him in one of the conference rooms.

~~~

Avengers got permission to handle the case with the NYPD. So along with the team, there were two disgruntled detectives that Tony had met before. Steve led the meeting. After an hour of talking that had led them exactly to nothing he summed up, “For now, we have first responders and witnesses reports, none of them actually saw what happened, most of them heard the gunshot and saw only the result. Nobody recalls seeing May. FRI (DAY?) is running facial recognition, but to no avail. She’s also reviewing all of the footage from the nearest cameras to the scene and flagging anything unusual.”

At that moment Bruce entered the room.

“I have an update on Happy,” he started. ”GSW to the stomach, although nothing vital was hit. Cho’s using her regeneration cradle, so he should be able to tell us what happened when the anesthesia wears off.”

The team nodded at that.

“How’s Peter, Tony?” Natasha turned to him.

“He said that he hates me, because I didn’t let him help us,” Tony said dryly.

“He doesn’t really hate you, Tony,” Clint reassured him. “He’s just frightened that he’s going to lose the closest thing he has to a mother.”

“You need to talk to him,” Natasha stated.

“Yeah, I need to check on him anyway. FRI, where is he?”

“I am unable to determine Mr. Parker’s location.” Blood in Tony’s veins froze in an instant. The whole room went quiet, you could hear the pin drop.

“What… What do you mean?”

“Mr. Parker left the Tower approximately 30 minutes ago.”

“What?! I told you not to let him out! Track him!”

“The protocol has been overridden. Current protocol prohibits me from tracking him.”

“How?”

“I believe that the current protocol was created by Ned Leeds.”

“Fuck.” Wow, letting the kid’s friend in the lab bit him in the ass for the second time.

“Tony, what’s going on? Who’s-“

“Peter and his friend hacked FRIDAY to sneak out and they added coding that makes it impossible to track him. I’m going to fix that.”

It was a long night. Tony spent hours fixing FRIDAY’s programming. At the end he was seriously considering whether it’s better to kill or hire Ned. Unfortunately after removal of the offending code it was too late to find Peter. He disappeared into thin air. His spider suit and phone were left at the Tower. He had changed his clothes in a back alley nearby and he wasn’t caught by any cameras, so they didn’t have anything to go on. At 4 AM it started sounding a bit surreal. Man gets shot and a woman goes missing in a public place in broad daylight. Teenager runs away and doesn't leave any trace. Everything in the span of two hours. Now they were just waiting for something. Clint and Sam played cards quietly. Steve and Natasha were going through everything they’ve managed to gather for an umpteenth time. Bruce went back to med bay to help Cho. Bucky just fell asleep on the table. The two detectives had left. Tony just stared at the screen no longer understanding what he was seeing, his mind exploring horrifying scenario number 78, where they find two mutilated bodies in a river and Happy dies because Cho missed something.

“Mr. Parker was registered by a street camera near the Tower, five minutes ago.” FRIDAY’S voice cut the silence. “He seems to be heading here.”

“What? Where’s he now?” Tony jumped to his feet.

“Mr. Parker just entered the Tower,” FRIDAY announced. “He’s going to the penthouse level.”

~~~

Tony for the past few hours imagined the lecture that he was going to give Peter when he saw him again. Something that would make the kid regret the day he was born. But when he saw him standing by the elevator, all of the anger had left him and immense relief washed over him. Peter was pale and shaking like leaf, but according to FRIDAY was unharmed

“Thank god!” That was all Tony said before pulling him into a hug. Peter, stiff at first, melted into him and started crying. His legs gave out and they both crumbled to the floor.

“I don’t hate you, I don’t hate you, I don’t-“

“Sh, sh, I know, it’s okay, I know, kiddo, I know,” Tony instinctively shushed him and started rocking them back and forth. He looked up and saw Pepper in pajamas, who was woken up and drawn there by the noise and he shook his head a little. She quickly understood and left for their bedroom.

Tony didn’t know how long they sat there but his legs went numb. Eventually Peter calmed down and said, “I thought you would chew me out for running.”

“I thought too. I’m still going to, after you get some sleep.”

“Hmm…”

They sat like that in silence for some more time. Finally Tony moved and helped Peter up.

“Come on, you still need to sleep.”

~~~

Peter looked better after the shower. Not so pale. Tony pushed him into bed, turned off the light and was about to leave, when the small voice called, “Can you stay?” Tony turned towards the owner of this voice. In the darkness he could only distinguish the lump on the bed and curls peeking out from beneath the covers. He moved closer and sat on bed next to Peter, leaning against the headboard.

“Only until you fall asleep,” he said softly. He didn’t exactly know what he’s doing, comforting someone was completely uncharted territory for him. He remembered something that Jarvis used to do for him, when he was little. He put his hand on Peter's head and started running fingers through the soft curls. Peter sighted and leaned closer.

“I’m sorry for running away,” he mumbled.

“You should be.”

“I just wanted to do something…”

“And what did you do?”

“I just wandered around. I didn’t have any plan and I realized that I won’t help. I was scared that you would be mad, so I didn’t come back immediately.”

“I was mad, I still am, but I was mostly afraid, kid. You can’t do things like that.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

Peter finally closed his eyes and relaxed a little. Tony thought that he was asleep.

“Do you think you’re gonna find May?” Peter asked quietly, startling Tony, who looked down and saw wide eyes staring at him. ‘ He’s just frightened’, he remembered Clint’s words.

“I don’t know. I hope so.” Peter closed his eyes again and pressed his cheek against Tony’s thigh. Tony kept playing with his hair until his breaths evened out and face and shoulders relaxed completely. He stayed like that for a moment before standing up. He stopped in the doorway, looked at sleeping form and whispered, “Sleep tight, kiddo.”

After that Tony went to the kitchen, where Pepper waited for him.

“How is he?”

“Physically? Good. Mentally? As well as he could be in that situation.” He moved towards a coffee machine.

“I handled CPS. He can stay here, for now.”

“That’s good, good.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Coffee. And then go to the team and see if there’s some progress. Find May eventually. You?”

“I’m going to make sure that nothing burns in the process.” she smiled at him softly.

“FRIDAY will let me know when he wakes up, but can you keep an eye on him?” he looked at her.

“I’ve already cleared my schedule.”

“What would I do without you?”

~~~

When he entered the conference room everyone was a bit agitated.

“What happened?”

“A witness came forward, she saw a van and some men in ski masks near the scene,” Natasha started explaining. “One of the traffic cameras caught a vehicle matching the description. We have a license plate.”

It turned out that their excitement was short-lived. Sam and Bucky found the van in an alley a couple blocks away. Police forensics examined it. They would have to wait for the full results, but for now it seemed that it was cleaned. The only noteworthy thing they discovered were traces of blood, presumably May’s. All of the nearby cameras recorded many other cars at the interesting period of time and it was impossible to tell which one belonged to kidnappers. The owner was a kind old man, named Stan, who reported the van's theft a week before. The investigation on that also hit a dead end. They were in process of reviewing the material gathered by the police and made FRIDAY find footage from the night of the van’s theft, but it didn’t seem to go anywhere. They also found May’s phone, or rather what was left of it. They were working on two theories, first one that someone noticed that she spends lots of time with Happy and kidnapped her for information, second one that she was kidnapped for a ransom. They had thought that maybe Happy would say something groundbreaking, but his story didn’t tell them anything that they already knew or suspected.

“There were three men in ski masks and non-descript clothes, with guns. They tried to grab us, one of them shot me. I think they got scared and took only May. I don’t remember much more.”

That left them to wait and look into the enemies' of Avengers, SI and Spider-Man recent activity. Honestly with the amount of material they had, they should have made some progress.

24 hours have passed and they managed to hit a dead end. No one saw anything, no camera registered anything. Tony looked at the clock in the conference room accusingly. First 48 hours were the time when most of the missing people were found. After that chances started to diminish. They’d already used half of that time. Tony should probably go find and comfort Peter instead of sitting and not doing anything, but he couldn’t make himself leave the room in case something happened. Besides, finding May would be probably the most comforting thing they could do.

His train of thoughts was interrupted by an email notification. He looked at the new message and felt his heart drop immediately.

“Fuck! Guys?”

~~~

Everyone in the conference room sat in silence as the video was playing. This time apart from two detectives, there were ransom specialists joining the team. Video featured the kidnappers beating up May and making demands. It looked really bad, with two men punching and kicking her without even looking where. She already had some bruises and what looked like a broken nose. Hits were leaving red marks that would soon turn into bruises. What raised the biggest concern was that May barely reacted. She probably already had a concussion or was drugged.

“Mr. Hogan, we have your girlfriend. In exchange for her, we want 5 million dollars. We are sure that you can get that amount easily from your boss. We give you 48 hours, or we will have fun with her.”

Tony immediately took his phone to organize the demanded amount of money in cash.

“Tony, what are you doing?” Steve asked him.

“Getting them what they want, what do you think I’m doing?”

“I think we should make a plan first,” Bucky joined calmly.

“What plan? They said, what they want, we give them that, we get May back!”

“Excuse me sir, but you shouldn’t do that,” one of the K&R specialists interrupted. “This video doesn’t count as proof of life, so we don’t know if that woman is still alive. A phone call would be preferable. Also, in ransom negotiations the first offer generally should be declined.”

“Am I the only person in this room that actually watched this video? You didn’t hear what they wanted to do? Didn’t see what they were doing?”

“It is not in the kidnappers interest to kill her quickly if they want ransom. They just want to show the power they have over you.”

“Besides, the more we communicate with them, the more we have to track them,” Natasha added. “Also you shouldn’t negotiate. When they get to talk with the billionaire Tony Stark, they are immediately going to raise their demands.”

“It’s also going to be a press nightmare if the media get a sniff on this.”

“Fine!” Tony threw his arms over the head. “Do whatever you want.” He left the room slamming the door.

~~~

Tony went to med bay to inform Happy about the recent development. Peter and Pepper also were there. They sat on plastic chairs, Pepper hugging Peter. Happy laid in bed. He woke up, when Tony entered the room. Tony sat down heavily on the chair in the corner.

“Anything has changed?” Pepper asked. Tony sighted and gave them an extremely watered down description of the video content.

“Those specialists tell me that paying immediately is a mistake and the team says that I shouldn’t get involved.”

“They’re specialists for a reason,” Pepper reasoned.

“I want to see that video,” Happy said.

“Trust me on this, you don’t want to.”

“Tony…”

“You focus on getting better, Hap,” Tony cut him off and turned to Peter. “Have you eaten?”

“Yeah.”

“A sandwich a couple of hours ago,” supplied Pepper.

“You have to eat more with your metabolism, kiddo,” Tony said seriously. “Come on. We’re going to the kitchen and then there’s bedtime for Spider-babies.”

“I’m neither hungry nor tired.”

“Yeah, I’m not explaining to your Aunt, why are you starved and sleep deprived.”

“If you will have someone to explain to,” Peter mumbled under a breath.

“Yeah, you're not talking like that. We’ll get her back and you are going to eat.” Tony put his arms under Peter’s armpits and pulled him up. “If you don’t cooperate, I’ll use a suit to drag you to the kitchen.”

~~~

Tony managed to coax Peter into the kitchen, without dragging and made him blueberry pancakes. (“Pancakes? But that’s breakfast food.” “Yeah, and you are going to eat them at 10 PM.”) They repeated the routine from yesterday. It also calmed down Tony and he started accepting that specialists and the team might be right. He came back to the conference room, where everyone was except for Clint and Natasha.

“FRIDAY tracked the kidnappers, they didn’t cover their tracks well.” Steve’s voice greeted him. “Clint and Nat are doing reconnaissance right now.”

Clint’s and Nat’s intel helped them develop a plan. There were four kidnappers, holding May in a suburban house. They were armed, but definitely weren’t professionals. This didn’t work in the team’s favor, because their lack of experience made them unpredictable. With the hostage present they really couldn’t afford a fight, even though they outnumbered the opponents. So they formed a plan, when they would try to take the criminals one by one.

It was just an ordinary house at the outskirts. The whole neighborhood was peaceful and unaware of horrors currently happening in one of the houses. Well maintained, clean area, small streets and wide sidewalks, a playground nearby. With a shining sun and birds singing cheerfully it looked like a suburban dream. It was really weird, that nobody had heard anything, but on the other hand it was the kind of neighborhood where the residents would leave their homes in the morning for work and come back in the evening.

“It just really creeps me out, this place,” Tony started wondering. “It looks perfect and beautiful, but no one has any idea what neighbors are doing.”

“Do you know what our neighbors are doing, Tony?”

“I have FRIDAY monitoring for any suspicious activity in the nearby buildings.”

“You're a stalker.”

Tony chuckled as he watched people getting to their cars and leaving. They had been observing the house since wee hours of morning waiting for the best moments to strike. Right now any action was out of the question. There were too many people on the street and any Avengers action would attract a lot of gawkers.

“One of the kidnappers went out for a smoke, he’s at the back. I think we could take him out without attracting any attention.” Natasha’s voice carried through the comms.

“Do not engage. Neighbors haven’t already left, we can’t risk being seen,” Steve ordered. “Tony, how’s the front of the house looking?”

“The guy with a nose from the house on the left is having a polite conversation with the fat guy from the house in front,” Tony relayed what he could see from his car.

“Guy with a nose?”

“It’s seriously big, trust me.”

“Seriously, you would think that people at 7:30 in the morning would hurry to work and not engage in conversations with neighbors,” Clint complained. Three yelling children came out from one of the houses.

“Oh and now the guy with a nose is packing his children to the car and the fat guy looks like he’s about to go,” Tony updated and relaxed into a seat. He took a sip of a coffee and choked, when someone suddenly knocked on his window.

“Yeah?” He asked, rolling down the window.

“You can’t park your car here!” a middle aged blonde woman started yelling at him. Peter called those ‘Karens’ as he recalled.

“It’s not a no-parking zone,” he replied.

“You cast a shadow on my flowers.” Tony looked at the sad excuses for plants and immediately thought that they need water more than sunlight. Before he could share his idea, comms cracked and he heard Steve saying, “Tony, do not argue with her, we can’t afford her to recognize you. Just drive around the block, maybe she’ll leave.”

Crazy plant lady didn’t leave and Tony was forced to find another observation spot.

Finally, the neighborhood emptied and quietened.

“That guy is smoking in the back again.”

“Okay, the neighbors have left, you can take him out now.”

Tony looked at the stream from the camera Clint had on himself. Natasha and Bucky moved in complete silence. She stepped behind the kidnapper, and with surgical precision pressed a spot on his neck. Bucky immediately caught the man, before he could fall and make a noise. They dragged him into bushes and hid there.

“One out, three to go.”

“Okay, now we wait.”

Couple of minutes later another criminal appeared.

“Clint, go.”

An arrow soundlessly flew through the air and hit him in the shoulder. Bucky appeared and again caught and dragged the guy into bushes, where Natasha was keeping an eye on the first one.

“He’s out. Two more to go.”

“Attention guys, the remaining two kidnappers moved from the basement to the kitchen.”

“Uh-uh, people on the street,” Tony warned. “Someone with a kid, I think. I can’t see clearly.”

Two NYPD officers in civilian clothes appeared and herded the newcomers to where they came from.

“Okay, all clear now.”

“Good. Nat and Bucky, you are guarding the back door and kitchen window, Tony and me from the front. Clint stays watching those two taken out guys, Sam, survey the area from the air. Bruce, move the ambulance here.”

Tony got out of the car and went to the front door, where he met Steve. He activated the nano gauntlet and leaned on the door. Steve looked around while the lasers from the gauntlet were destroying the lock.

“Okay, the door is unlocked, we’re going in.”

“Copy that.” i

Tony pushed the door and let Steve in first. He activated his whole suit and immediately followed the man. They were in a hallway that opened at the end to the living room, connected to the kitchen. On the right there were the stairs. They moved quietly toward s the living room. Tony gestured to Steve that he wants to enter first and stun both remaining criminals with his gauntlets. Steve nodded. Tony smoothly went to the room and fired at the unsuspecting kidnappers. He hit one of them, standing by the counter, but instead of the other he hit the cupboard full of tableware. The cupboard like in slow motion fell on a criminal, emitting an ear-splitting noise of breaking glass. Cracking and clanking reverberated through the room for what I seemed like an eternity. It made both men stop and just watch in shock what was happening. Steve regained his bearings quicker and ran towards the man buried under the glass and porcelain.

“He’s dead.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, his brain is on the floor.”

Tony didn’t wait for more. He retracted the suit and ran towards the basement.

“May, May?! Oh, shit…”

May was slumped in the chair, which she was tied to. Her face was covered in dried blood and bruises.

“Hey, May, wake up,” Tony said while looking for a pulse. He jabbed his fingers to her neck and prayed quietly. Fortunately, he felt slow beats.

“Get a medic here ASAP, she has a pulse, but it looks really bad!” he shouted at the comms. “Hey, wake up, Peter’s waiting for you.”

This seemed to do the trick.

“Pet’r?” she slurred.

“Yeah, he really misses you. And Happy’s okay.”

“Mmm…”

After that everything went rapidly . Suddenly the place was swarmed by medics and NYPD officers. Tony was pushed back as they put a collar around May’s neck and an oxygen mask on her face. She was placed on a stretcher and pushed into an ambulance that left soon.

“Jesus.” Tony slumped against a car and slid down, so he was sitting on asphalt. After the stress of the past few days left him, he felt exhausted. “I need a coffee.”

“You need a sleep.” Steve materialized from nowhere.

“Everyone needs that. I need to talk to Peter, Happy and Cho.”

“ The NYPD wants us to stay here. But… Maybe nobody will notice your absence.”

“Steve Rogers, goody two shoes, encouraging me not to cooperate with law enforcement? How can I refuse?”

“Drive safe, Tony.”

“I will.”

Tony got into a car and started the engine. He drank the rest of the now cold coffee and started driving in direction of the Tower. There were still a lot of things to do.

~~~

Couple of days later Happy was allowed to leave med bay on condition that he will have plenty of rest. May was cleared by Cho the day before that as the biggest issue was concussion. Steve and Bucky were preparing a big dinner since everyone finally could participate and even Rhodey managed to leave DC and was joining them. They were very secretive about the chosen dishes and had forbidden everyone from even getting near the kitchen.  Tony honestly just hoped that they wouldn’t set the building on fire. He holed up in the workshop.

The elevator ding announced somebody’s arrival. Tony turned and saw Peter lingering on a doorstep.

“Hey, what are you doing there? Come here.”

Peter looked at the floor, shuffled towards the workbench and stood there awkwardly. Tony got up and approached him.

“Did you forget that you usually sit here?”

Peter sat down and started playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“Before… Before all this, you said that you need to talk to me.”

Honestly Tony hoped that Peter forgot his attempt at the serious conversation.

“You were weird that day and then, you know what happened, and you were nice, but not there, and then again weird.”

Tony cleared his throat and said slowly, “I’m sorry that you felt that way. I spent most of the time with the team, because I thought that finding May was what you needed the most.”

“I mean, it was. I just felt lonely. Happy was on strong pain meds and Pepper is nice, but…”

“Yeah, I get it, I’m really sorry. And for being weird. Happy told me that I spend a lot of time with you and butt in your time with others and I started questioning how you are feeling about this.”

Peter suddenly moved and wrapped his arms around Tony and with a muffled voice said, “I don’t mind, seriously.”

“I know now.” After a moment he added, “You know, I just don’t want to replace anyone.”

“You’re not. You are just Tony, not Happy, or May, or...”

“Just Tony, huh?” Wow, where did the hero worship go?

“Titles don't matter, only that you care.”

I care so much , he wanted to say. I want you to be safe, I want to see you grow and learn. Instead he just said, “I do.” Peter didn’t respond. Tony broke the silence, “You know I’m not good at emotions. Happy called me an emotionally stunted idiot.”

“I know.”

“You little shit. You were supposed to say, ‘You handled this very well, you are great!'” Tony broke a hug and ruffled his hair. Peter beamed at him

“Miss Potts asks if Peter got lost in the workshop and if she has to come and get you to the dinner,” FRIDAY interrupted them.

“Wait, you were supposed to tell me the dinner is ready?”

“Maybe.” Peter smiled sheepishly.

“You really are a little shit. Come on. I’m starving.”

When they got to the kitchen everyone was waiting for them. Pepper, with crossed arms, scolded Tony, “What did you do in that workshop of yours? Everyone was waiting for you and it’s extremely disrespectful to Steve and Bucky!”

“I’m really sorry, Pep, but we needed to have a conversation. And someone-” he looked sternly at Peter- “didn’t tell me that dinner was ready.”

“I’m sorry, really, it just happened,” Peter frantically started explaining himself. Something in Pepper’s face softened.

“I guess it’s fine, you two really needed it, but next time maybe find a better moment, okay?”

“Okay, okay!”

They finally sat down at the table. Steve and Bucky really put a lot of effort into the meal. The main course was salmon with asparagus. They also prepared garlic bread and a salad as side dishes. They even chose the right wine for a fish, but Tony suspected Natasha’s or Pepper’s help here. Conversation flew freely and they made their way to the dessert, in an amiable atmosphere. Pepper started conversing with May, which brought his attention.

“You know, maybe you could move to the Tower.”

“I don’t know really…”

“Peter and Happy spend most of their time here anyway and you too were here a lot, even before.”

“Plus, you know, Happy already has an assigned private floor, so it’s mostly a question of packing and moving stuff from your apartment,” Tony joined them. “And you would have the help of superhumans and Pepper Potts to plan everything.”

“Oh, the last thing makes the best argument. How’s wedding planning going anyway?”

“Well, it would go better if Tony listened to me. We have a cake tasting scheduled next week.”

“You know, we could just take Peter, feed him cakes and ask him which one he likes best. It would be faster. I swear his stomach has no bottom.”

“What?” Peter turned towards them at the sound of his name.

“Only if you are dealing with his sugar high, Tony,” May chuckled

“Hey, guys, I can hear you!”

Before they could continue they heard Steve clearing his throat. He got up and looked like he was about to give a speech.

“Last week was very hard for all of us,” he started. “We are very pleased that everyone important is able to be here. Me and Bucky have some important news to share and we are glad that you are the first to hear that. Without further ado, we decided to get married.”

Cheers and questions erupted immediately. Everyone congratulated and the toasts started.

Tony looked at the large table. Maybe titles didn’t matter. But the only thing that he could think was that after all these years, they became a family somewhere along the way. Big, loud and unconventional, a patchwork family, that wouldn’t make sense to a stranger. There were still a lot of issues that needed to be solved in the long run, but at that moment they were the happiest people on Earth.

[crue-sixx]

A Study in Vampires

Title: A Study In Vampires

Author- tiddly-winx

Fandom: The Dirt

Summary: A sequel to my Vampire!Reader where she falls in love with Nikki and turns him into a vampire, based on @crue-sixx's vampire headcanons.  So the reader is taken away by a scientist to be studied to see if the vampire legends are true and if so, why.  Nikki is pissed.

Warnings: Swearing and violence.

When you woke up in a quarantined room with the bare minimum-a rock hard bed, a toilet in the corner and a table and chair set you were very confused.  You felt around for Nikki, but he wasn't there,  you took in your surroundings outside your room to see a laboratory setting, complete with monitors tracking your every move and people in lab coats processing your results.  "Where the fuck am I?!" you banged on the glass, but upon hitting the surface your skin started to burn.  You screamed and recoiled, the smell of your burning flesh surprised you.

A man with a full beard came forward and looked at you with astonishment.  You knew this man, many moons ago.  You were shocked to see him alive after at least 150 years.  You couldn't smell the decay of vampire on him, but he was Abraham Van Helsing all the same.  Yes, THAT Abraham Van Helsing from Bram Stokers Dracula some parts were embellished for dramatic effect, but the basics were true-there was a young lady who was entranced by a male vampire, who had somehow overcame her desires and granted him what he longed for-death.  You glared at him and asked "How are you still alive, Van Helsing?"

He chuckled and answered "I've discovered the Fountain of Youth, dear Y/N" he put his hand on the glass to offer a gesture of false kindness, but you didn't fall for the bait.

"You've coated the inside of this cell with holy water, didn't you?"

"Indeed" he conceded "I'm so glad to see that it worked!"

"How did you do it?  You're younger than I remember you being but I can smell that you're a plain human with a hint of embalming fluid" your fangs started coming out of your gums-you were hungry and knew this madman wasn't going to feed you.

"That's a story for a different time, dear" he pulled a lever and your cell started rotating on it's own.  You could see the ceiling open up and the sun shining brightly through.  Your rage then turned to fear as the sunlight was creeping ever closer to you.  You were only given a small corner where the light couldn't touch you and you needed to stay there or the sun would burn you.

"What's the matter?" Van Helsing laughed "Afraid of getting a tan?"

"Shut the Hell up!  Why're you doing this?!" you pressed yourself close to the corner, but not touching the glass.

"For science, of course" he grinned and pulled the lever to close the ceiling again "I want to see if the vampire legends are true and if they are then why are they so effective?"

"Whatever you did has rotted your brain!" you shouted "Once Nikki finds out, it's game over for you, asshole!"

"What can that little pup do?" he mocked you "he's not even fifty years in the blood!"

"My blood is among the strongest there is" you spat "he's stronger than most who've been vampires for centuries!"

"No need to lie to me, dear" he pressed a button and a mist began to form in your cell.  It stung as soon as the moisture hit your skin, and you realized it was more holy water.  So this is how he keeps the inside coated you thought to yourself.  If luck was on your side, you'd be able to send a telepathic message to Nikki for a rescue.  The trouble was that you didn't know your exact location, but he could follow your scent trail to find you.  But at the moment. you couldn't do anything-it wasn't searing pain like when holy water was thrown on you, but more like being exposed to a light corrosive chemical.  You had blisters over your skin and would heal and re-blister.  You just had to wait it out until it stopped.  You knew Van Helsing wouldn't let his new test subject die so quickly.

The mist stopped and you were left alone.  When you were sure that nobody was close to you, you sent a telepathic message to Nikki.  "Get up.  I've been kidnapped.  Don't know where I am.  Need help"

The message hit him like a bag of bricks, he was feeling around for Y/N when he felt nothing but old concrete.  You and him had taken to a crypt right before dawn to replenish your strength and cuddled in his arms.  How could he have not felt you being taken away from him?  He did feel a little groggy, like he used to when he was human and had a hangover.  That was a feeling he did NOT miss in the slightest.

"You alright?  What's going on?"he got up and sniffed the air for your scent.  Once he picked it up, he had to wait until dusk to do anything.

"I'm fine for now" you answered back "it's this old bastard that I met a century and a half ago, he's a mad scientist and he's experimenting on me to see if the vampire legends are true.  He's going to see how long it takes for me to die of starvation and along the way he's going to try to expose me to sunlight and holy water."

Nikki stiffened in rage, you having told him that most of the vampire legends were true, but ones like a vampire needing to be invited inside a building were false.  In his sleep, he'd stirred with a stinging sensation like thousands of bees were attacking him.  That must have been holy water "Just try to hold out for me, baby.  I'm coming to get you..."

"Please hurry"  your voice in his mind sounded desperate and feeble, something he'd never heard from you before.  It made his heart ache to know that you were suffering.  He would make that mother fucker pay for hurting you.

When dusk came he erupted out of the crypt and got on all fours sniffing the ground like a blood hound.  He had found your scent trail and followed it for a few hours, in what would take days if he were a human.  You two had taken to the crypt in New Orleans, and he followed the trail to L.A. where his old band still lived.

He crept up on the building that was well lit from the outside with fog lights.  He tried to barge right in, but he was stopped when the lights turned out to be solar UV lights that simulated the sun.  He recoiled and cursed-he would need human help, and he knew just where to go.

He approached Tommy's house and knocked on the door.  Despite the legend about not being able to come in uninvited being false, he didn't want to violate his best friend's privacy.  When the drummer came to the door, his face went ghost white and called to his wife "Hey Pam, I'm just gonna sit on the porch and have a smoke okay?"

"Yeah, whatever" the female said in a tired voice.

"It's been a long time Nikki..." he marveled at his friend's unchanged appearance while he was older and slightly worn. "About 20 years?"

"Yeah man" he tried to smile.  You and him had made social calls to his friends dozens of times over the years and it never ceased to amaze them how young and fit you both looked.  "I need your help..."

"What's up?" Tommy was on the alert now, neither of you having to ask any of your human friends for help until now.  He knew you must have been in dire straights, or you would have been with Nikki.

"Y/N's been taken by a mad scientist.  I followed her scent trail to a building deep in the mountains but they have it all covered with UV lights so a vampire can't get in or out..."

Tommy contemplated this and asked "How would I get IN though?"

"Leave that part to me" Nikki grinned, his fangs glittering in the lamp light.  "They were anticipating a vampire, not a whole bunch of his familiars" you had given him training on how to control animals to do his bidding, and he was now an expert at it-even better than you.

"Alright, so while the animals are creating a distraction, I go in and shut off the lights and security?" he asked.

"Bingo, T-Bone" he always loved calling Tommy T-Bone.  Tommy Lee was his ride or die friend to the end.

Tommy opened the door and called to his wife "Hey Pam, I'm gonna go out for a bit.  I'll be back later babe!"

There was a sigh from the kitchen as she said "Okay".  She had assumed that he was out cheating on her like he supposedly did with his wife Heather.

When they got to the facility, Nikki took a deep breath and let it out, a red mist flowing out of his mouth like cigarette smoke.  All the animals in the area inhaled and their eyes turned a blood red.  "Surround the building and kill the guards.  Make a lot of noise, draw them out and away from the doors..."

A whole herd of mountain lions, bears and wolves surrounded the area and approached the open grounds.  The fools didn't think that they needed a gate of any kind.  The guards were patrolling the perimeter when a pack of wolves pounced on one and began devouring him.  His screams alerted the other guards and they were attacked by the bears.  The remaining guards had radioed for back up before being mauled by the mountain lions. 

All the blood the familiars were drinking was going straight to Nikki, who only got stronger with each drop that was being taken.  One of the responding guard units had left a door open and Tommy knew that it was his cue to go in.  A wolf accompanied him on his journey to protect him, the thing tackling a guard and Tommy shouted "Where's the fuckin' control room?!"

The wolf had it jaws on the man's throat and he pointed to a door to the right of them.  Tommy turned to go and disable the systems while the wolf tore apart the man's neck.  He looked at all the complicated buttons and wires, him not knowing which ones controlled what.  So in classic Motley Crue fashion, he pulled the fire extinguisher from the wall and dosed the control panel with the foam.  Everything shorted out and the lights went off.

Nikki went in, stronger than he ever was and mowed down the guards that came in his path.  He was upon your cell when he saw you huddled in the bed under the thin cover to try and shield yourself from the holy water mist.  It wasn't working, and only served to spread the blistering over a wider area of your skin.  He punched a hole in the glass door and the entire frame came undone. 

"That was quick" you complimented from under the wet blanket.  You didn't want him to see you like this, and you felt him pick you up and take you out of the cell.  He ignored his own sizzling skin to take the blanket off of you and looked like he was about to cry, knowing you endured much pain while you were trapped here.

"Not quick enough, baby" he growled "You've been hurt so bad you need more than you normally take to heal..."

Then Van Helsing appeared behind you and said "You, sir are an excellent specimen!  I think I'll keep the both of you for observation!"

"Fuck you, dude" Nikki hissed, then the whole of the animal herd burst in and ripped the man to shreds, him screaming in pain all the while.

He carried you to a nearby cave, taking you deep inside so the light couldn't touch you.  "Drink, Y/N" he offered his neck to you "I have more than you need to heal..."

You bit down on him, he gasping as your fangs pierced his skin.  All the lives of the men that had died that night, including Van Helsing's flowed from Nikki to you and you knew how he was able to stay young for so many years.  He had figured out how to snatch bodies in his studies, and had his original body embalmed while he switched over the years until he was able to find a vampire to experiment on.  It was then that you remembered the very first thing your maker had taught you.  "Blood is lives".

"What?" Nikki asked, a little drained from you feeding off him.

"Blood is lives" you repeated "Every life a vampire takes, their blood tells their life story.  So in a way, their spirit lives on in us.  You had healed yourself and gotten your strength back, you cuddled with him and heard his heart slowly beating.

"So if we kill our friends and family, they will be with us for all time?" he raised an eyebrow, the blood from the bite in his neck drying and the holes closing up.

"Yes" you answered, knowing that Tommy was back with his wife in his house and currently fighting with her over something trivial. "But I don't think I'd like having Tommy, Vince and Mick all in my head telling me what to do"

"Hell no" he laughed and bought you in for a kiss.  After he broke it off, he said "If it came down to it and they were dying, I'd rather snap their necks and end their suffering..."

You nodded in solemn agreement, knowing that death was inevitable.  The least you could do was make it painless.  "We could remember them in our own way" neither of you knew what that way would be, but when it came to it, you'd know what it was.

[georgiabread]

sometimes this has a hot, sweet taste

summary: Then, the inevitable declaration, murmured into the skin just below his ear: “I really, really love you, Phil. Like, so much.”

word count: 2.4k

trigger warnings: none

a/n: this is slightly trashy and they're uncharacteristically sappy, but maybe i got it spot on. if you can't tell, dan and phil at the beach is my favourite thing.

Santorini is sleep, sun cream and fruity cocktails all folded between a few days of calm, and Dan realises he needs it.

This revelation arrives with half-lidded eyes, his body curled into the rubber of an inflated doughnut, floating in the pool of one of those Greek villas he used to see all over holiday sites and Pinterest. The water is blue and blinding and smells like bliss, and he has never appreciated Bryony’s spontaneity more.

The trip was planned and booked before he and Phil ever got the chance to say yes, but there were no regrets involved. Excluding the ungodly hour they arrived and the frail tax-driver of which they were at the mercy, of course. The man had grappled with their lives, scurrying around cliff roads to reach their hotel, and Dan remembers watching his heart tumble across the floor of the minibus.

But no – this idea was a tremendous one. A weekend spent with the people he’s known the longest, without prying cameras and anxiety-inducing social events. It’s a weight off Dan’s back. Because he can rest, unadulterated, no what if’s and but’s attached. Because no one will recognize him and Phil in a sheltered cove off some island in the Mediterranean.

If only it was that simple back in London.

The doughnut grazes the edge of the pool, twists and pushes Dan in another direction. It’s enough to knock him from slumber. Eyelids peel open, toes curl and crack. Dan whimpers in his throat when the sun burns his eyes. Where are his sunglasses? Didn’t Phil borrow them? Damnit Phil. Half-submerged in water and sleep, he decides to blame Phil for any possible blindness.

“Ah. The beast awakens.” Bryony’s voice rises and falls over the pool’s ripples.

Dan glances around, slightly disoriented, until he finds his friend reclined on a deck chair, pineapple juice in hand. “Did Phil steal my sunglasses?” he slurs.

“Probably. He went to get ice cream with Wirrow.”

“If that bitch doesn’t get me chocolate…”

“Don’t worry. He mentioned something about you and choc ice cream.”

“Good.”

“By the way, you should get out of that pool sometime soon. Don’t want another run-in with heat stroke.”

“Fuck, why didn’t anyone wake me up?” Dan flounders in the doughnut for a moment, sinking down the hole in the centre. He eventually makes it to the steps and clambers out. He touches his arm. Definitely freckled. And definitely hot.

Bryony chuckles and sips her juice. “You were too peaceful. Here, I took a photo.”

She finds her phone and her nails patter over the screen, before a picture of Dan’s almost-naked sleeping body is shoved in Dan’s face.

Dan narrows his eyes. “Send that to me. I look mildly cute enough to post it.”

*

A thick blob of gelato drips from Dan’s cup, landing with a dollop on his thigh. It’s chocolate, bittersweet with a dash of coffee. He wipes it away with his thumb and licks it, hears Phil snigger beside him about gross boyfriends or something like that. Their ankles are hooked together underwater, the two of them perched on the side of the pool with expensive ice cream cooling their lips. There is warmth where their arms meet. Freckles are drawn together like constellations, connecting their bodies.

Dan side-eyes Phil after his muttered comment, mouth twitching. “Excuse me?”

“Nothing! I just said it’s yucky when you eat off your thigh,” Phil says, slurping on his spoon to conceal a grin.

“I thought certain people rather enjoyed eating off my skin.”

“Hey, don’t be so vulgar.” Phil shoves Dan’s shoulder, letting his cheeks accumulate a satisfying redness.

Giggling, Dan falls to the side a little more than necessary, and when he straightens up, paints Phil’s blush with his own ice cream-smothered spoon. “There. Eat that.”

“You do it.”

Eyebrows quirk up. Dan tips towards him without hesitation and drags his tongue over Phil’s skin, licking up the cream. Phil gags and scrubs his cheek, his nose crinkling in mock-disgust. “Urgh. You’re horrible. That was hardly sexual.”

Dan pouts. “Is my tongue no longer appealing?”

“Not when you get your saliva all over my face.”

“I’m disappointed in you.” Dan scoops at his gelato, watching his partner carefully. There’s a glint leftover in his eyes. Phil definitely loved it. Dan looks away to hide a smile, rubbing Phil’s foot with his own.

There is a silence. It takes a long, soothing breath, settles around them like a blanket. Dan focuses on the ocean before them. It’s a vast and glossy thing that oddly comforts him. There’s something about the enormity of it, knowing he’s so far away from the responsibilities and hassle of their London life, that puts him at ease.

“We should do this more often.”

“Do what? Lick each other’s faces?”

“No, idiot. Go on holiday. It’s…nice.” Dan’s voice grows soft. “Just being here with you, that’s nice. And – I can hold your hand when we’re in public and stuff, without worrying who’s gonna see and question us or…or expose us online. Of course it’s great hanging with Bryony and Wirrow, but. We never get enough time like this, you know? Time alone, I mean.”

Phil had reached up and brushed his fingers through Dan’s matted curls while he was talking. Now his fingertips land on his jaw, and Dan turns his head. He watches the smaller sea swirling in Phil’s eyes.

“Yeah, I know,” Phil whispers. Their ice cream is a distant memory. “What if we went to Japan again? I can propose under the cherry blossoms.”

“If you do that, I’ll actually say no simply because it’s too cheesy.”

“Rude.”

Phil kisses him then – delicate, a reassurance. He tugs on his bottom lip, leaves a taste of lime and pistachio behind. Dan chases the kiss, hands landing on Phil’s arm and neck, then face, cupping his cheeks, their mouths coalescing. The water ripples around their legs. Something painfully fond fills Dan’s chest. When he pulls back, a thumb brushing over Phil’s cheekbone, he – and it’s stupid, it’s so stupid – he suddenly wants to cry.

*

The four of them go snorkelling in the bay. Fish are abundant in all sizes and colours, and Phil confirms this by calling out, “Guys, come look at this!” whenever he lays eyes on one.

Wirrow is mildly interested. Bryony pretends to go deaf. Dan humours him for about the first four. Then shoves his face underwater and keeps it there, preferring to quietly observe the sea life going about their day. His skin feels slick from all the sun cream Phil lathered on him, going on about UV rays despite his own ghostly exterior.

Afterward, while removing their snorkels and diving fins, Phil crosses his arms like a five-year-old and whines about being snubbed.

“We loved your fish, dear,” Dan sighs, eyes soft. “But they weren’t all that remarkable.”

He leaves a kiss on Phil’s cheek as he stands.

It’s ridiculous, how easy it is.

*

By 7 pm, the sun shies away behind the horizon. The ocean purples. They end up at a bar called the Chrysós Brewery; it has a roofless balcony overlooking the cove, and tall torches are scattered between mingling patrons. Bryony and Wirrow disappear quite suspiciously, probably wanting Dan and Phil to have the evening to themselves.

They make the most of it. A petite table for two near the glass balustrades is pinched, and they order the most zany-sounding cocktails on the menu. When the waitress hands over their drinks, Dan studies his warily. It’s blood red, with an odd-looking bunch of fruit and lavender petals sprinkled over the foam.

“Maybe you should drink it instead of having a staring contest with it,” Phil teases after a minute. He takes a sip of his own cocktail, transparent turquoise and decorated with strawberries.

Dan gives him a withering look. “Alright, McSass. I don’t need your comments, thank you.” He takes a large gulp, and the cocktail explodes against his taste buds and eats away at his tongue. He’s left with wide eyes and a tangy aftertaste that actually…isn’t that bad. “You know, I think I’ll order another,” he says.

*

By nine o’clock they’re near-drunk.

At one point, Dan fumbles for Phil’s hand and hauls him away from the table, swerving to a stop somewhere along the railing. “I can’t believe we’re drunk and it’s only nine o’clock.”

Phil blames it on him. Dan frowns and says they’re in Greece, there’s no rules here. But having downed a variety of bizarre brews and beverages, he doesn’t even trust his own judgement.

“Well, we’re not actually drunk,” Phil points out. “We’re just tipsy, or maybe slightly above, I dunno.”

Dan blows a raspberry when he sighs, winding his arms around Phil’s waist and making his head comfy on Phil’s shoulder. “Whatever. We’re doing this ancient ruins-tour-thing tomorrow, so don’t be hungover.”

“Oh, I’m not that drunk, you bum.”

“I guess time will tell.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

Phil pretends to vomit. “We can wait till we get back to the villa for that.”

“I can’t believe I’m dating a party pooper,” Dan grumbles.

“I can’t believe I’m dating a child.”

“We should just agree to split up if that’s how we really feel.”

Phil draws Dan closer and nudges his nose into his neck. “Definitely.”

Live music fills the silence that passes, drifting from a corner of the bar. Unconsciously, they begin to sway. Dan traces his fingers over Phil’s back, and Phil tucks one or two kisses inside Dan’s collarbone.

The moment is blissful. Dan’s brain is a little clouded, and he has to blink away the urge to sleep, but he loves this. He loves slow-dancing with Phil, blind to everyone else in the room. All he can see is the dark-haired man nestled against him, his best friend and assigned ‘grow old with me’ person. And Dan realises that maybe the places he tried to find solace in had never mattered from the beginning.

Then, the inevitable declaration, murmured into the skin just below his ear: “I really, really love you, Phil. Like, so much.”

After that, Phil chuckles, his whole body shifting against Dan’s. Then he shuffles back and takes two dimpled cheeks in his palms and kisses him, drunk and sloppy and smitten. “Love you too, you nong.”

*

“Your heart line’s kind of long and curvy…I think that means you express all your emotions freely. Or is that content with love life? I’m not sure.”

Phil’s voice is soft and matted with sleep, matching the muted light in their villa bedroom. He studies the creases carved into Dan’s left palm with a thoughtful frown, fingers ghosting over the smooth skin. The sheets are still sticky and twisted around their tangled legs. Sweat is stranded in Dan’s hairline. His eyelids flutter closed every now and then but he rebels against the drowsiness, much preferring to stare at the quiet concentration on Phil’s face as his palm is read.

Dan huffs a low laugh through his nose. He can’t tell if this is legitimate or not, no matter what Phil says about his psychic ancestors. But he doesn’t dwell on that for too long. Phil’s right about his love life, at least.

“What about this one?” Dan murmurs, pointing to the groove arching away from his thumb.

Phil traces it gently. “That’s your life line. All about general health and life changes. Yours is quite deep and round, which I think means you have a lot of enthusiasm and stuff.”

“Bullshit.”

“I think that’s actually quite true. You’re sweet and energetic when you’re in a happy mood.”

Dan snorts but hides half his face in his pillow. He won’t voice the embarrassing thought in his head, something to do with the knight of wands. “I hate you.”

Dan can’t remember the time they got back from the bar. He was too busy pulling Phil’s shirt off, crumbling when Phil ran his hands over his bare chest. But now, it’s late, and they need rest. Tomorrow is dedicated to exploration. They still have another three days of Santorini, before it’s home again on a flight to audience expectations and boundaries they know not to cross. But Dan wants to be stuck in this moment forever, love in his chest and Phil’s delicate fingers on his skin, their naked bodies woven together with warmth in the most innocent and most passionate way.

Phil’s lips brush over Dan’s fingertips, bringing his focus back to the palmistry at hand. “Now this is your head line,” Phil murmurs. “Yours is quite straight, which is like, you think realistically. But you also have a little doughnut there and that means…you, um, love food.”

Dan’s laughter is like wind chimes. “That’s the fakest thing I’ve ever heard,” he whinges. “You’re just being stupid now.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re a phoney palm-reader.”

“Hey! These are great services. You should be paying double.”

“Okay, tell me about this one, then.” Dan taps the crease that runs through his heart line.

“Your fate line is broken in two,” Phil observes. “Right. That means one day, some guy is destined to chop you in half and that’s how you die.”

“Fucking shut up.” Cosy giggles burst from Dan’s lips, and he leans closer, bumping their noses together. “I want a refund.”

“Nope. No refunds,” Phil says, linking their fingers. He lifts Dan’s hand to his mouth and kisses his knuckles, one by one.

“Well, you can expect a strongly-worded review on your website, then.” Dan’s voice takes on a mock-angry tone. “Phil Lester is the worst palm reader I know. He never knows what he’s talking about and his face is too pretty and distracting. Zero stars.”

“What?” Phil laughs softly. His eyes dip down to Dan’s mouth, before meeting his gaze again. His next words squeeze through half-parted lips. “You should be thanking me for my good looks. They’re obviously a bonus.”

Dan tilts his head. “Obviously,” he murmurs, before pressing his mouth deep and tender against Phil’s. He can taste the bite of vodka and lemon, but everything feels saccharine, his own tendrils of drunkenness blurring his thoughts, lulling his heart. Phil squeezes his hand, nibbles gently on his bottom lip, making sure to leave it chapped in the morning. And Dan just breathes him in until he fills his lungs and with every kiss, he says;

You are where I want to be, always.

phanfics

[teasoundsgood]

(Artichoke) Hearts Chapter 1

banner by styleslegends

Read here or on 1DFF

You UV Blue me away

***

If I had to pinpoint the root of all my problems it would be the YogaWorks Brentwood prenatal yoga class of 1994.

Now, in their defense, Janet Cleveland, Laura Adams, and Heather Franklin (now Heather Baranoski) had no clue the havoc their actions would reek on my life at the time. They were all just hormonal pregnant woman who wanted to tree pose and breathe and whatever else you do in prenatal yoga class. But after meeting in class and bonding over vomiting on yoga mats and the whole having unborn children in their wombs thing, these four mothers became the best of friends and simultaneously caused all of my problems for the past 21 years and probably for the rest of my life.

John Quincy Adams was born at 7:41PM October 31, 1994

Grover Cleveland was born at 3:15AM November 2, 1994

And finally Franklin Delano Roosevelt was born at 10:52PM November 4, 1994 followed 9 minutes later by his twin sister Teddy Roosevelt. Me.

Why, you ask, did 3 severely pregnant women decide that naming all of their children after dead US presidents was a good idea? Well, that you’ll have to ask them because I have no clue. All I do know is that being the youngest—no matter if its only weeks, days, or mere minutes—of a group of boys who don’t understand that just because you’re all named after some dead guys doesn’t mean you have to be together all the time was a recipe for disaster.

And I’m a cook so I should know.

Not a professional cook though. College took up way too much time for that, but I did have a food blog that was doing pretty well. (Artichoke) Hearts was organized by season (fall, spring, summer, winter, and holidays), meal time (breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks), and type (meat, vegetarian, vegan—my mom wanted me to add a kosher section, but that would mean I would have to actually cook kosher). It wasn’t hugely popular—like say, I don’t know, an up-and-coming currently touring band with two #1 singles on iTunes—but BuzzFeed Food used a good number of my recipes and I had a solid following of moms who appreciated my organization, food photography skills, and my clever analogies in my pre-recipe articles.

Oh, the recipes were pretty good too.

Not that anyone in my family would know. They were all terrible besides Isabelle, but I’m not at all related to her so she didn’t count. Holly was getting pretty good at being my kitchen assistant, but she was eight and technically only related to Isabelle (and a sperm donor with an IQ of 167 and no family history of medical problems). But my father, brother, and mother were still learning how to boil pasta. How I was born into a family of non-cooks I would never know, but it was probably the reason I was so good at cooking.

At seven I was tired of take-out, frozen food, and PB&Js so I learned to make eggs and pasta.

At ten I was making snacks for my brother and the boys after school.

At twelve I was making dinner every night (except for Wednesdays and Saturdays when my brother and I stayed with mom and Isabelle), even though my dad insisted I didn’t have to.

At sixteen I catered the Dead Presidents’ Society Sixteenth Birthday Bash (JQ still says it was his birthday party because we threw it on Halloween and I’ve stopped arguing with him at this point).

And at eighteen (on February 9th at 10:08PM), under the influence of a little too much wine and the encouragement of Pia and Astrid—who were under the influence of a little too much wine and my fried mac-n-cheese balls—I started my blog.

It took awhile, but with consistent posting, a pretty and easily navigated layout, and solid recipes, soon enough (Artichoke) Hearts had become one of the most successful food blogs out there.

Which, as the youngest member of the Dead Presidents’ Society—and the only one who doesn’t play an instrument—gave me just a bit of leverage over those absolute eggheads.

“C’mon Ted, I’m starving,” FDR complained, the WiFi connection a little slow so his voice came through before his pout did.

“We’re starving,” I heard Grover call somewhere off screen.

“We’re starving,” FDR repeated. “C’mon sis, you can’t let us starve to death. You’d be the only Dead President remaining. You’d have to take over all of our jobs to keep the society alive.”

“You can’t play any instruments, it would be very difficult,” Grover added as he sat down on the couch next to my brother, both of them with well-practiced pouts on their faces. But I’d been a main recipient of those pouts from all three of them for the past 21 years so I was completely desensitized.

“I highly doubt that me catering your welcome home pre-show party in three weeks will help with your current starvation problem,” I told them.

“The human body can survive three weeks without food,” Grover pointed out.

“You make an excellent point. But you can still get literally anyone else to do it.” I hummed with a self-satisfied smile on my face. “Oh don’t give me that…” I scolded as the pouts deepened. “Based on Quinn’s most recent report, you boys haven’t done anything that would warrant me cooking for hours for you and your friends.”

Quinn was the Dead Presidents’ Society’s manager extraordinaire and, even though I wasn’t a member of the band, I was her favorite. It might’ve been because I was the first one she met or because I was the one who convinced the boys to pick her over the three other companies who wanted them, but it was probably because I was her secret weapon to get the boys to do whatever she wanted them to.

Or, more specifically, my food was.

“But you love cooking,” FDR whined.

“I cook for people not pigs,” I stated, getting confused frowns in response. I rolled my eyes and blew out a puff of air before continuing. “Your tour bus stinks, you haven’t done laundry for the past month and a half, and you haven’t been eating any of your vegetables,” I listed, recalling my chat with Quinn yesterday when she called to enlist my help in keeping the boys of The Dead Presidents’ Society alive.

“Not true,” FDR argued. “JQ and I had mashed potatoes with dinner last night.”

“Potatoes are nutritionally a starch not a vegetable,” I corrected him.

“Well…um…you’re a starch not a vegetable,” FDR said. It seemed that his time on the road really hadn’t taught him any new comebacks from when we were seven.

“Good one,” I deadpanned.

“How can I be clever when I’m starving to death?”

“If you’re really that desperate for food then go eat some carrots,” I told them both sternly. I might be the youngest of the group (and constantly reminded of it), but I’m really the only responsible one. “And an apple or two.”

“You’re no fun,” FDR pouted.

“Well how can I be when I have to take care of the three of you from LA?” I asked. “Speaking of, where’s the other one?”

I didn’t even know why I still asked about JQ on these Skype calls, it’s not like he’s been present for any of them. But I wasn’t able to completely stop caring about someone I’d known my entire life (unlike him), so I still had to ask.

“JQ’s working on a song down the hall—”

“No, Q was flirting with that bartender,” FDR corrected and I wasn’t surprised at all.

“Yeah, but you went to pee and he left her to go work on a song,” Grover told FDR then turned back to me. “He’s written like five just this week for the next album. I think we’re going to test a couple out at the welcome home show.”

“Another reason you should cater it,” FDR added.

“Not going to work,” I sang.

“You’re the wor—”

“Hey, can we meet early to work on a few new songs?” I knew it was JQ’s voice from the first word.

He might not’ve spoken to me in months, but I’d watched all of their interviews and listened to every song the band had released since last fall. Not to mention I’d heard his voice almost every day of my life growing up.

“Yeah we just have to finish up with Ted,” FDR replied. “Say hi to JQ, Teddy!”

“Hi to JQ, Teddy,” I mocked because actually saying hi to him like a normal adult was too much to ask.

“Hey Teddy,” he replied, but the camera was still facing FDR and Grover so I had no clue what JQ was doing. “I’m going to go tune my guitar.”

I guess he was leaving.

“I should tune mine too,” Grover added after the door clicked shut behind JQ and pushed himself up off the couch. He grinned broadly and waved at the camera. “Bye Teddy.”

“Bye Grover.” I waved back and watched as he disappeared off my screen.

I guess he was going too.

“I should get going anyway,” I said after I heard the door click shut on the other side. “Pia just got back and roped us all into helping her move in.”

“All six of you?” FDR asked.

“Rose isn’t back yet, but yeah pretty much. Pia’s got a lot of stuff you need more than one person to carry. Plus she bribed us with free Indian food.”

“How much do you want to bet the Kapoors just didn’t want to help Pia move in and the food was their idea?” FDR smirked.

“Oh one hundred percent,” I agreed and smiled at my brother. “Ajinder and Rajpreet Kapoor would never give out free food unless they got something out of it.”

“You on the other hand…” FDR trailed off and suddenly the pout was back.

“Look, if you all clean up your act for the last few weeks of tour and stop making Quinn think she’s wrangling pigs not managing a band, then yes,” I gave in and FDR’s pout was immediately replaced by a shit-eating grin. “But final word comes from Quinn!”

“Thanks Teds, we won’t let you down!”

“You better not, mister,” I narrowed my eyes. “I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

“Talk to you later,” He replied. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

FDR hung up with a final cheesy grin and wave, leaving me alone for approximately 30 seconds until the familiar sound of a door opening and two collars jingling signaled two dogs and a dad (mine, to be specific) had come back from their walk.

“You just missed FDR,” I told my dad as he rounded the corner and knelt down to let the dogs off their leashes. Fairbanks was a perfect gentleman (obviously) and patiently let Dad take off his leash before trotting over and sitting in front of the couch, next to my feet. Cactus Jack was too busy swinging around a large stick he found because, even though my brother hadn’t been here for months, his dog still behaved exactly like him.

“Eh, I talked to him yesterday,” my dad shrugged after he finally got Jack’s collar off.

“Glad to know you really care about your only son,” I snorted and Fairbanks thought it was a weird sneeze so he jumped up on my lap and put his nose in my face to investigate. Despite how much I loved him, I didn’t really want to french kiss my dog so I pushed him back down pretty quickly.

“John Nance Garner pooped four times today so I’d much rather spend the night with my lovely daughter and her even lovelier dog who only pooped once,” he said as he sat down on the other side of the couch. I could tell dad and CJ weren’t on speaking terms by my dad’s use of his full name. When Dad used his kids’ (or his kids’ dogs’) full names, you knew he was annoyed.

As if to prove a point, Cactus Jack jumped up on my dad’s lap and proceeded to chew his stick from his new perch.

“While I’m honored I’m the favorite, I’ll need to take a raincheck on daddy-daughter time tonight. Pia is moving her stuff into her and Astrid’s apartment today so we’re all going over to help.”

“She promised you all food, didn’t she?” he asked.

“Free food. From Tandor,” I answered.

“Well I can’t argue with that. I’d ditch you for the night if the Kapoors bribed me with food,” Dad stood up—causing Cactus Jack to flop to the floor, but he was too busy with his stick to look upset for more than a few seconds—and kissed me on the top of the head from behind the couch. “Have fun with everyone. Do you need me to watch the pups tonight?”

“I mean, I can bring them with me if you want, but it would probably be easier. I think I might sleep over at Pia’s tonight.”

“You planning a wild party?”

“I’m not, but I’d be surprised if Reese wasn’t,” I answered honestly.

“Well then make sure to take a shot for me and the dogs then,” he said. “But only one. I’d rather not hear about my daughter getting shwasted and running through campus.”

“Dad, I thought you knew me better than that. You’d never hear about it.”

***

“Astrid, you know you’re the one who actually lives here. You could, oh I don’t know, help,” Dom huffed after he and Cole put the couch down in Pia and Astrid’s new living room.

“I carried a box in before you got here,” Astrid said through a mouthful of Chana Masala.

“Well I’ve carried a couch, a table, and two boxes and I haven’t even gotten any food yet,” Dom threw back with his hands on his hips. His face was getting red and I was pretty sure it wasn’t because of carrying a couch in the L.A. heat.

“That’s not my fault,” Astrid shrugged and had another mouthful of food. Dominic’s face was getting redder and it definitely wasn’t because of the heat.

“Okay, why don’t we all take a break,” I interrupted the fight that was definitely about to happen and put down the box I’d carried up behind Cole and Dom.

“Reese is carrying up the last two chairs and there’s only two small boxes left that I can get later so let’s just call it a night,” Pia added in and put down her box next to the door before collapsing on the couch the boys just brought in. “Cole, bring me a tub of chicken korma, will you?”

“Yeah, want anything else?” Cole asked over his shoulder as he walked to the kitchen where the Kapoors had put all of the food they brought us before quickly making their escape.

“Rice and naan would be appreciated. Did my parents bring samosas? If they did I’ll have one of those too,” Pia replied.

“Coming right up.”

We all (excluding Pia who was examining her nails because she decided it was a good idea to get a manicure the day before she moved in to her apartment) watched over the counter top separating the kitchen and the living room as Cole carefully loaded everything Pia asked for onto a plate and what he wanted as well.  As Cole came around the counter with two plates of food, Astrid and Dom made a whip sound at the same time, but—after the numerous times at least one of us has done this to Cole over the past few years—they barely earned a glance from him. Out of our group of seven, Cole is definitely the push-over, but when it comes to Pia that trait is definitely pushed to the extreme.

Cole put his and Pia’s food down on the coffee table Astrid brought when she moved in a couple days ago and I went to the kitchen to get my own food just as Reese came up with the last two chairs.

“Are we taking a break?” He asked and sat down in one of the chairs.

“Nope we’re done,”Astrid replied, not even looking up from her tub of food.

“Well it must be because of how much you helped, Astrid,” Reese commented sarcastically as he stood up again and made his way over to me in the kitchen. “What a team player.”

“Slow your roll, my little theater nerd,” Astrid looked up and squinted at him, following his path across the room with her fork. “Dom already tried to pull that shit and I can’t fit both of you up my ass.”

“Don’t have a lot of faith in yourself then, do you?” Reese joked.

“Hardy-har-har,” Astrid deadpanned. “I’ll have you know—”

“I don’t want to know this,” Cole piped in because he’s both the pushover and the sweet, innocent cherub of the group. He just wants to study rocks and pine over Pia from afar.

“I’ll have you know,” Astrid repeated without sparing Cole a glance. “I have it on good authority that I have an excellent ass—a direct quote from one Jason Graham: ‘that was the best anal I’ve ever had.’”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to know that either,” I commented and scrunched up my nose in disgust as I came back into the room with my food and joined Cole and Pia on the couch.

“Too bad neither of us like your genitals,” Dom said. “Right, Reese?”

“Correct, Dominic.”

“An ass is an ass is an ass is an ass,” Astrid said dramatically.

“You know, I love you Astrid, but I don’t actually want to hear about your ass while I’m eating dinner,” Cole said and Pia snorted in response.

“Only while you’re eating dinner?” She laughed. “Maybe you should live with her instead of me.”

“No, I’m fine with boys plus Rose,” he replied.

“Speaking of boys plus Rose,” Reese interrupted and glanced between Dom and Cole. “Rose gets back tomorrow and the semester starts the next day and her reign of fun-sucking will begin so we have to have a party tonight.’’

“I don’t think Rose would appreciate knowing you called her a fun-sucker,” I pointed out.

“Teddy,” Reese looked over at me with his hand to his chest. “You know I love our dearest, sweet Rose, but do you know how many parties we could’ve had last year if she didn’t have to study?”

“It’s true,” Dom piped in. “There were at least six parties that should’ve been.”

“At least,” Reese repeated for emphasis. “We have to have one to make up for all of the lost parties last year. We owe it to ourselves—”

“To the UCLA students,” Cole interrupted.

“Dare I say, the entire world,” Reese finished and I knew they had rehearsed this speech. Cole may be a geo major, but Reese was theater enough for the two of them.

“Stop being so dramatic, Reese,” Astrid rolled her eyes. “It’s just a party.”

“Just a party,” Reese gasped dramatically. “We bought a banner, Astrid. A banner.”

“It says ‘Happy Retirement’ on it,” Cole added.

“Okay that’s cute—dumb, but cute,” I said. “I’m in.”

“I don’t know why y’all are making such a big deal. It’s not like any of us wouldn’t go,” Pia said. “You literally could’ve just said we’re having a party tonight. None of us are going to argue with that.”

“Fine,” Reese huffed. “We’re having a party tonight and you’re all coming.”

“See? Simple.” Pia shrugged. “Now let’s finish this food quickly and get alcohol because I refuse to take room temperature shots.”

***

Pia and I were splitting a handle of UV Blue and I felt like we were back in freshman year—which was exactly what Reese had intended.

Reese had decided that, in honor of our last first party of the school year, we should all drink the alcohol that defined our freshman year. I thought it was adorable and reminiscent until Reese said mine was definitely UV Blue because I drank it the night that I sucked Reese’s freshman year roommate’s dick then vomited off of their 4th story balcony.

Then it wasn’t cute anymore.

But then I had six shots and we started talking about how that was when Reese and I became friends and how our whole group followed shortly after, which meant my dick sucking and vomiting story was a key moment in the making of our friend group. And then it was cute again.

“You know, I’m so glad we did this,” I said, mid-group hug in the middle of Rose’s empty room. Since she couldn’t be here tonight we decided it was only right to pregame in her room.

“You doubted me, Theodore Roosevelt, but I’m always right. Y’know, I should’ve been president instead of you,” Reese replied and I knew he was getting drunk because he was breaking out the dead president jokes.

“Reese, you would be a terrible president,” Dom said. “Actually, I’m pretty sure we’d all be terrible.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Reese stepped back from our group hug to go grab another shot.

“Maybe you should slow down, babe,” Astrid said as she took the shot glass from him. “You took one like two seconds ago, maybe wait like five minutes?”

“Yeah, Niall and two of his friends are coming and they should be here soon. You could take it when they get here as a welcome to our home shot,” Dom added in, looking up from his phone.

I’d met Niall a few times through Dom because they’re both film majors and he was nice enough. He was Irish and I could barely understand him sober, let alone drunk, but everything that I could understand was always nice.

“That sounds good. I’m such a good host,” Reese said mostly to himself.

Despite his insistence that he’d wait until Niall & Co. got here—because that’s what a good host would do and he was ‘practically a ninteen-fucking-fifties housewife level host,’ Astrid kept his shot glass because Reese had a habit of sneaking shots. Which is funny when we laugh about it the next day, but not funny when you have to leave the person you’ve had your eyes on the whole night and are finally hooking up with to rub Reese’s back while he pukes. It’s a little ridiculous the number of times that’s happened to one of us.

“Which roommates?” Cole asked.

“Liam and Harry, I think?” Dom replied. “He was going to bring some girl he was seeing, but I don’t think she could make it.”

“Good. I don’t want any competition,” Reese said.

“There’s no competition, Reese,” Astrid said. “Niall’s straight.”

“So is spaghetti until it gets wet,” Reese replied easily and wiggled his eyebrows because he’s dumb.

“Who’s Harry?” I asked to change the subject.

I definitely knew Liam—a little too well because Pia doesn’t understand what TMI means—but I didn’t think I’d ever heard of Harry before.

“He lived with Niall in the fall last year while you were abroad and then went abroad when you came back in the spring so you probably haven’t met him,” Dom explained. “He’s cool though, you’ll like him.”

“You don’t have to suck his dick and vomit off the balcony again though, we’re all already friends,” Reese said because he’s probably the biggest shit I know. “Also I don’t think our landlord would appreciate someone vomiting off the balcony.”

“Gee thanks for the advice,” I deadpanned. “I’ll try but there’s no promises.”

“That’s all I ask,” Reese shrugged with a smirk on his face.

“They’re downstairs, I’m going to buzz them in,” Dom said, looking up from his phone again.

“Astrid!” Reese called even though she was only a few feet away. “Make the welcome shots. I’ve got to be ready to serve my guests.”

“You’re an idiot, you know that, right?” Astrid asked.

“You’re just jealous that I’m a better host then you,” Reese replied.

“It’s not even my house, Reese,” she said. “I’m not the host.”

“You’re both dumb to me,” Pia said and sipped a glass of wine because apparently she’d given up on our bottle of UV and gotten wine at some point. But I was six shots in so those details were lost on me.

“Hey! What did I do? I’m your roommate, you’re supposed to be nice to me!” Astrid complained.

“And I’m your favorite, you should be even nicer to me,” Reese added in.

“Her favorite?” Astrid turned to look at Reese. “That’s such a lie—I’m her favorite over you.”

“This is why I think you’re both dumb,” Pia said. “And I’m blatantly my own favorite.”

“Honey, we’re ho-ome,” a familiar Irish voice called, announcing Niall & Co.’s arrival and putting an end to Astrid and Reese’s bickering—at least for a little while.

“My guests!” Reese exclaimed excitedly as they appeared in Rose’s doorway. “Come take a shot with me!”

“What do you have?” Liam asked.

“Not even going to say hi then, Liam? Really?” Pia asked.

“Sorry P,” Liam laughed and hugged her. “How’re you then?”

“Good,” she shrugged and pushed him away playfully. “That’s all I needed. Now go get your alcohol.”

As soon as Liam replied with a flirty laugh and some dumb response, I found myself tuning out. I absolutely love Pia, but listening to her flirt with anyone—which meant flirting with them and anyone else with a dick so they knew they’d have to work for it—didn’t interest me in the slightest. Especially knowing that I’d have to spend at least an hour in a post-hookup debriefing with Pia tomorrow and then another hour listening to Cole complain about Pia hooking up with someone while pretending it’s not just because he’s completely in love with her.      

“Hi,” an unfamiliar voice said and suddenly some boy I’d never seen before was standing in front of me. “I’m Harry, I don’t think we’ve met.”

“I don’t think we have. I’m Teddy,” I replied and shook his outstretched hand.

I took a second to look him over quickly without being too obvious—even though I probably was because there’s no discreet way to check someone out when they’re right in front of you. But he smirked and looked me over a second later so I assumed it was cool that I did it. And I’m glad I did because he was much more attractive than any of the guys I’d been around this summer. His jeans were a bit tight and would probably be a pain to take off—okay, slow down there, Teddy.

“We definitely haven’t met. I would’ve remembered you,” he said and the amount of vodka I’d had really hadn’t prepared me for this.

“Madame President,” Reese called. “Stop distracting my guests. I’m trying to welcome them into my home.”

“Madame President?” Harry quirked an eyebrow at me.

“It’s a long story,” I replied.

“Well then, I guess I’ll have to find you later so you can tell it to me,” Harry smirked and, even though I’d spent most of my time with my dad and dogs (and sub-par men, but they really aren’t important at this moment in time) this summer, I knew he was definitely flirting with me.

At least I’m pretty sure he was.

“I guess you will,” I smirked back in what could be a flirtatious manner, but could’ve also looked really fucking weird.

“Harry, stop flirting and come drink with me.”

So I guess he was flirting.

***

“Wait so you and your brother and two of your friends were all named after ex-presidents?” Harry asked and took the joint we’d been passing between the two of us for the last few minutes.

He’d found me in the kitchen stealing Reese’s Hot Cheetos from the cabinet about ten minutes ago and wasted no time reminding me that I still had a story to tell him. In the two hours since he’d gotten here, pretty much every other senior that I knew (and a lot of whom I didn’t know) had crammed into Rose and the boys’ apartment, making it a lot hotter and louder than before. Which prompted me to suggest we go outside. Which then prompted Harry to take the joint out of his pocket so we could smoke it while I told him my entire life story.

Or at least the interesting part—which revolved around being named after a dead president.

“Yep,” I nodded. “Pregnant women are weird and very hormonal.”

“I just don’t understand how three women, all with the same last names as ex-presidents, ended up in the same prenatal yoga class.”

“Divine intervention,” I deadpanned.

“You think?” Harry asked in awe and I wasn’t sure if he was an idiot or just high. “Like you were chosen or something?”

“What the fuck?” I laughed. “Chosen?”

“Wow, I’m definitely higher than I thought I was,” he giggled.

“I think I’ll have to agree with you there,” I nodded. “Pass me the joint.”

He held out the joint for me and I took it from him, our hands brushing as I grabbed it.

“Y’know,” he said, looking up from our hands to see me taking a drag. “If this was a RomCom that would’ve been a pretty big moment there.”

“What?” I laughed.

“We had an adorable bonding moment of you telling me the origin of your name. Then I said something dumb, but hopelessly endearing,” he lifted one side of his mouth when he said that and he probably thought he was being cute. He was right. “Which made us both laugh. And then our fingers brushed,” he explained.

“Well then,” I said and took a second drag because I didn’t know what else to do.

“But if this was a proper RomCom—I assume we’re going for genre accuracy, correct?”

“I’d be upset if we weren’t,” I confirmed.

“Then this would be the part where I take your hand,” he took my hand. “And—”

“Have either of you seen Pia?” Cole asked and leaned his body out the doorway, holding it with one hand.

“Not for awhile,” I frowned. “She’s probably around here somewhere. Have you checked Reese’s room? He always makes at least one of us shit talk with him at some point.”

“Yeah he’s got Astrid with him, but no Pia,” Cole said because he’d probably spent the last twenty minutes wandering around the party looking for her.

“She might be with Liam,” Harry interjected and looked at me. “I was with him when he was getting them both drinks when I saw you.”

“Cool,” Cole replied shortly and turned around to leave. I could tell he didn’t think it was cool at all, but he was the idiot who refused to tell her how he felt so I didn’t feel anything sympathy. “I’ll see if I can find them.”

“Oh wait,” Harry said, looking down at his phone, and Cole paused. “Liam texted me like 5 minutes ago. He left with Pia and just wanted Ni and I to know so we wouldn’t look for him.”

“Oh,” Cole said. “That was thoughtful of him. I’ll see you two later.”

Cole turned around and left, closing the door behind him.

“I should go check on him,” I said because even though I said I had no sympathy for Cole, I definitely did. Because I knew first hand how much finding out the person you like just left to hook up with someone else sucks. “He…um…he…”

“Likes Pia?” Harry finished for me. “It’s pretty obvious—does Pia know?”

“No, she’s pretty much the only one who doesn’t,” I said. “Which means moments like this aren’t too uncommon.”

“You’re a good friend,” Harry said. “And I admire that—even if it’s stealing you away from me.”

“You’re a shameless flirt, you know that right?” I commented because the alcohol and the weed (and the compliments) were making me a lot more confident.

“What’s the shame in flirting?” He threw back with a smile and I laughed before turning around to leave.

“Oh, Teddy?” He said and I turned around. He kept eye contact with me and took my hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing the back of it. He pulled back and smiled in a way that momentarily made me rethink leaving to go talk to Cole. “Couldn’t let you leave without finishing our RomCom moment. What a cliffhanger that would be?”