#more mom things after move
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Suspirium - Thom York
#this is my very favorite song and i think ive been wanting to make this for abt a year#when i was at my most compulsivly unwell i would be focusing so hard and sleeping so little that i would feel physically sick#like the world was tilting around me and i would think: all is well as long as i keep spinning#bc i would stop moving and suddenly id be in pieces on the floor. but now i think my favorite lines are: when i arrive will u come and find#me? or in a croud be one of them? bc its such a profoundly lonely idea. i dont believe in a life after death. i think when ur gone ur gone#your brain stops and the thing that made you you is gone forever. but if i imagined an afterlife image getting off a train onto a crowded#platform and searching for my mom through all the chaos. when i arrive will u come and find me? would our connect extend past a lifetime?#or would u be in a crowed one of them? would i stand alone in a sea of people waiting for someone who was never coming?#its a very upsetting thought#im glad i waited to make this bc i feel the song more deeply after the death of my mom. it feels more sad and more ethereal.#there r like 2 different versions of the lyrics bc thom york is so fucking hard to understand#so i use the version i like better#original art
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See what we not going to do is dangle Darilyn again instead give me Benius you idiotic cowards.
#like cut the crap#if he didn’t like her the first time he’s not going to start suddenly liking her now#stop toying with my baby boy Darius#like bffr#first you made it seem like darilyn was going to be a thing and pulled kenlyn out of your ass#no offense to kenlyn shippers like I didn’t ship Dailyn either like it just seemed like that was the initial vibe they were going for#but now they really going play in my face again when clearly Benius should’ve been the next and only correct move#Ben is in love with Darius and the feelings are reciprocated and that’s final#like can we quit this idea where there can only be one gay couple in a show jeez#btw I have no fucking clue of any of the ship names because honestly I don’t even know if there is a fandom for this show#I just love the show and I’m just so glad they brought it back because me and my mom was so pissed they ended it after they became teens b/c#bitch we know you could’ve made more and see I was right#jurassic world chaos theory#jurassic world camp cretaceous#jwct#jwcc#jwct darius#jwcc darius#jwct ben#jwcc ben#jwct brooklynn#jwcc brooklynn#nublar six
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#sorry for not getting to my asks ive been teaching 9-4 all week and doing stuff after .. i.e. class my moms bday and roommate touring#which is working out hORRIBLY#so far everyone has either cancelled or. ghosted me#other than a guy who loves the place but determinedly said he can't pay utilities#and we need someone by the 1st#and my landlord is hounding me so badly#and i have to drive two hours tonight#right after 4#to get to my mom's bday dinner with family#i am#it's just been a marathon#and im so upset abt the roommate thing#esp since ive been blamed for not doing enough by my currently. disabled roommate#who has to take care of herself ofc#but doesnt do any chores and didnt help at all and I SAT IN THE ER WITH HER FOR HOURS#its just. i am so tired. and can't afford rent without someone. and will have to beg on my knees to my landlord to give us more time to fin#someone.#and it will work. but. at what cost#i seriously wish i moved#geez sorry to rant im fine and will be fine.#its just a lot#the two hours of driving tonight is really bothering me#caitie blabs
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alright~ a few updates about everything! so this weekend I'll be seeing changkyun in chicago- so I prolly won't be posting until after I'm alive again from that 😂😅 (I am vv excited about it- I just know I'll be vv tired when I return home). Anyways, I have a few fics in the works~ one of them that is a request 🤭 I'm vv excited to work on them! But I think I'm going to change my masterlist a bit when I come back. I'm going to retire a few groups from the main masterlist and I've been debating for the past year about it... But I think I'm going to add a yearly masterlist- So it would go from most recent to the beginning of this year~
I'm also thinking about changing my pfp- I haven't been really into stray kids for uh... years- But I will be sure to make an update about that if I go thru with that too- (It may be ji changmin next 🫣🤭)
Anyways those are my few updates 🥰💖
#in general my brain is so muddled outside of talking to my three closest and my mom i'm just... fogged- but god how i want to be#writing rn- i have 4 smuts and 1 fluff in the works (who would have guessed my fluff writer self has moved from not only plain fluff to#angst & smut this year? not me- but i'm happy about it) two are poly aus and the other two are about a certain 🌙~#kate rambles on from here#altho there is another vv big potential fic~ but i'm only counting ones i have lots of progress on-#and then the masterlist thing i've been thinking about forever- hwvr again i do not know if i'll have the energy bc i might be knocked#on my ass for another month after this trip (i'll be pretty much solely driving for 4 & 1/2 hrs there and another 4 & 1/2 back the next day#but the pfp thing has been on my mind for a while too- again idk when i'll get around to it but jinkoh has given me a vv good#idea esp for winter~ with mr. ji~ so i'm sure to have changed it by december~ (unless the change is too much for me- i haven't changed it#since 2018... so i'm kind of attached to it- even tho i don't even bias him or stan the group anymore...)#anyways this is full of me rambling- i could really go on tbh- bc i'm really trying to get my mind into gear- but these are my updates#let's see if i fulfill em- i'm bound to fill the fic ones- but the other two... yeah- we'll see-#kate rambles#blog updates#should i bring babydoll q & juyo to the concert bc if it wasn't for kyun getting me into dominic fike(and being into tbz during stealer era#i wouldn't have been a tbz ult... (outside of some other factors i haven't really disclosed) bc atp i'm vv close to packing them with me#i mean tbh a tbz pc was going- but now i'm 🫣: should i bring them to see the guy from my first ult group that caused the spiral-#that made me get into my newest ult group? (i love this butterfly effect more than i could ever express tbh- even tho i express it often)#anyways if someone actually reads these- i'm bound to bring babydoll q- legally that's my buddy- but juyo?? 👀
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Hah, so uh how to explain to my parents that I have reconsidered wanting to move back to the wannabe fascist state after all
#personal#vent#my folks are real attached to tx#understandable thats where they grew up#but i kinda wonder if they realize that its not the same tx they grew up in anymore#its to be close to family and because one story houses being more of the norm over there means my mom could get some independence back#and i understand it from those angles#i already tried to have the fight with my mom years ago about just going back without me#not only did she say i was shortsighted for cutting myself off from a support structure#(i wanst i had friends who could help should shit happen but whatever)#she also called me selfish for being the only one who wanted to not go back and keeping everyone else here#at this point my folks would be better off going back because they're not going to see too much of the blowback of The Shit(tm)#but i would and that sucks#it was one thing when the plan was to stay around austin but now that's not even in the considerations anymore#i hate feeling like i have to martyr myself for their sake#when the easy answer is for them to go back and i stay here#its not like i visited home all that much when i was on my own in the same town#so cross country wouldnt be all that different#i guess i could get them there and then figure out how feasible it is to move to colorado or something after the fact#but then i really would be throwing out my whole support structure because i wouldnt even have friends to lean on#anyway i fucking hate being in this position
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got a sortof interview for a research assistant job tomorrow and sooooooooo scareds :D
#delete later#sortof bc its basically already mine since my mom works there and said the current assistant sucks so bad theyll take Anyone with a degree#and theyre desperate#and its super casual and low intensity but still stressed tf out#bc i havent done anything non routine since december and my anxiety has gotten soooo bad and im soooo bad at talking to people#and ik the antidote is doing things again which is why am i doing this but. scary#and time is moving too fast and im so lost and i hate my stupid fuckass grocery store job and idk what to dew w my life rn#cannot stop reminiscing abt the life unlived and the time lost and while i do that i am not living anf losing time#😃😃😃😃😃😃#cannot stop thinking abt how my school life is simply over and i missed it i wasted it its Over 😀 no more chances#didnt make ONE friend in 5 years of university didnt join anything didnt do anything except mentally deteriorate#uni is supposed to be the source of so much life and experience. and yooo i missed it 😂yooooo omg its too late for me 😂😂😂#i rememebr before crossing the stage at high school graduation i was like. rn im in the part of my life before graduation#and in a minute suddenly im gonna be in the after#and then i realized recently. im in The After of university. the moment passed and i missed it#there is no more chances theres no more ‘next semester ill make friends’ theres no more Anything it is Over#time keeps going so fast and yallll i cant go back lol 😂😂😂 brooo wtf nobody told me u can never go back 😂#dawg i havent felt alive even once since leaving high school 😂 yo i peaked at age 17 😂 yo jm about to turn 23 and my last memory is being 19#yooooo whered the time go 😂😂😂😂 brooo where does it keep going lol come back wait up im runnin out of time 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂#x
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why does everything have to be a hecking issue with my sister
#she keeps getting on my case about the Theatre Boy thing which I would just like to hecking leave in the past#she keeps getting on my case bc I wear short shorts and spaghetti strap tank tops AROUND THE HOUSE AS LOUNGE CLOTHES#she's like DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT MODESTY and I'm like YOU WALK AROUND IN SHORTS AND A SPORTS BRA ALL THE TIME#(possibly bc I thought I could get away with wearing lounge clothes with a long shawl thing overtop the other day to worship practice#but I did in fact change my trousers after my mama pointed out that it wasn't super modest)#she keeps making comments about how I do inappropriate stuff on my phone bc I... watch one(1) sitcom?????#shows like that are IRREVERENT AS HECK like come on of course I'm not going to be totally open with my kid sister about them#I am an ADULT I can make my own choices about what content I will put up with in media#I can make my own choices about clothing if I think my mom's idea of ''anything more than an inch above the knee#is immodest'' is silly and restrictive for my body shape and comfort level personally#like... why does she have to act so high and mighty around me? she's in MIDDLE SCHOOL and I know I haven't always been the nicest to her#but I'm making the effort. I'm trying to get along with her and what I get is disdain on the daily in return :/#our mom said it's probably bc she was hoping I wouldn't move back in so she'd have our room to herself and now she's mad#that I'm back bc she has to share a space again and like I KNOW middle school ages SUCK I've BEEN THERE#but still I just. want to get along. but she picks on me and then I get frustrated and then I snap at her and it just doesn't end well#it's a nasty cycle tbh. I'm praying about it.#Lu rambles#personal#delete later
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entertaining myself by inflicting bastard children on my faves
#its fun#warthrop and will henry go to the gulf coast for some reason#COINCIDENTALLY to the same shitty little seaside town that alyne's mom moved to when she left boston#shes like dropping hints that she fucked pellinore at least one time and he does not notice#until little alyne bursts in carrying a bucket full of sea water and some weird thing she found in the bycatch#marches right past all of them to dump it into a fish tank and starts poking it with a swizzle stick#(i cant decide if this is like a sea star or an urchin or some sort of cephalopod. or maybe a lionfish)#pellinore's like Who The Fuck Is That and alyne's mom goes My daughter! I had her after a rather interesting night with you in Boston#you should introduce yourself :3#oh who's the father? you're the father you forgetful tease. altho i suppose you were drunk enough not to remember our tumble#and pellinore is like THIS CLOSE to blowing up on this woman for lying but now alyne's noticed and is staring silently#with her dark owlish eyes#just WATCHING. analyzing.#and he goes What?????? no. no it cant be. are you certain????????????? No I refuse to believe it come along will henry#alyne's mom is like NO YOU PRICK COME BACK HERE and alyne just goes They'll be back. dead certain#but more importantly look at this fucked up fish i found mom i dont think its native. the fishermen said they're poisonous#does that mean their skin is poisonous or is it just the spikes???#the fishermen said they're more common in the caribbean than in the gulf but now they're in the gulf more#so they're spreading!! isnt that cool???#and alyne's mom cracks open a beer because that encounter was fucked up.
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...
#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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I improved my morning alarm
#It was just Heat of the Moment#but *now* it's Heat of the Moment + Dean#and I now will let it go off *solely* so I can fill in the dialogue as Sam XD#If I don't have it memorized after spending almost 40 minutes editing this together I'll be thoroughly dissapointed#If I wake up and its Tuesday again I'll be frusterated but also *religiously* hunting for Gabriel#I bet he was one of the guys who came into the pet store today#sorry I'm getting ahead of myself there lol#WAIT#nononono what if he's my boss#hear me out#ok so I was complaining about not being able to be a hunter because 90% of monsters don't even exist in this world#THE NEXT DAY I have my first shift at the pet store#and let me tell you: that place is HAUNTED#flickering lights; weird sounds; cold spots; objects moving on their own. All of it.#This might be a little crazy but if Gabriel was going to be impersonating *somebody* in my life rn it would be my boss#and if I wake up in a time loop then I already figured it out. I win. And if that's the case: I bet the haunting is fake#If I don't wake up in a time loop I'm actually going to be more disappointed than if I do#I want an excuse to be able to tell my mom “yesterday was tuesday right? but today is tuesday too”#and then she's going to tell me I'm lying so after enough loops I'm just going to start saying all the same words as her at the same time#ohmygod and that would be SUCH a Gabriel thing to do actually#ok so my mom is a Sam Girl and I'm a Dean Girl so having us in the oposite characters' situations would be really funny#especially because I *really* don't like Sam that much#Guys trust if Gabriel was real he'd have a golden opportunity sitting at his feet right now#omg I love this#idle speaks#supernatural#spn#spn gabriel#dean winchester#sam winchester
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sister came out as homophobic last night let's fuckin go chat
#she was my first ally first person to encourage me to actually be myself way before i was comfortable with doing so.#only person in my family that actually thought my relationship was a GOOD thing#but she's gotten a lot more churchy over the last 10 months & has joined the ranks of 'i love u and don't want this to change anything BUT'#like how the fuck do you move backwards after years of acceptance encouragement being proud of someone to#'it isnt my place to judge anyone but believe the bible says it's wrong'#like oh. okay? spineless traitor behavior tbh#sure it might not change much of our interactions day to day and she isnt acting like a freak about it like my mom has#but of course it changes things. it changes everything. I'm now entirely alone in my family in a way i never have been.
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btw my mom said it. she said it to me looking me in the eyes. i told her about how difficult it was for me to get through those family reunions, and she admitted it was very important to her, important enough that she was just going to do it anyway.
#i know there are compromises out there#and i'm not going to live w them my whole life so i'll be out fairly soon all things considered#and i'm trying to be understanding when people's priorities aren't the same as mine#but i uh. would be lying if i said it doesn't hurt a little wittle bit.#i'm gonna keep handling it because i've been an asshole to my parents for long enough#i largely owe them that. cooperating and spending time with them and engaging in what matters to them.#but then she's says things like ''but whenever you move out you'll still be part of the family and invited if you want uwu''#it's just ?????? okay thanks ???? perhaps you could also try seeing things from my point of view perhaps????#it's all circling back to that. they have a very weird way to ''help'' me#throwback to them trying to cure my depression with amusement parks#when i would have liked a little less of that and a little more help and understanding#it feels like they're trying to put bandaids on a cancer#''you don't ask for help'' okay no help is coming. i am not being helped.#the system can't help me cause there's no damn beds no damn professionals no damn time to help everyone#the people around me can't help me because it's not their job or within their wheelhouse to help me#and they've got their own shit to deal with#on that note#i was discussing stuff with my mom#and i mentionned it was indeed pretty difficult to manage your time when you had to deal with school and friends and your parents#and she was like ''deal with your parents???? what do you have to deal with????''#oh i don't KNOW maybe that i'm officially an associate of my dad and i have to help out w events and some accounting#or maybe i have to pay back the fucking years i spent being an ungrateful child now i do everything you expect me to and it's exhausting#maybe that you constantly remind me i am living in YOUR house by touching my shit instead of letting me deal with shit at my own pace#maybe the fact that despite everything i care about you and i want us to have a good relationship and that takes WORK and i'm exhausted#maybe the fact that you keep giving me advice that is unproductive misguided misunderstanding etc etc#and cold comfort after you did something you knew to be difficult for me#how you keep encouraging shit that i don't want and am unhappy with because it's the ''normal'' way#how you raised me from childhood to be an empty shell in a family of empty shells#broadcasting my misery#vent
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not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance#so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life#and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future#so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D#what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk)#i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it#i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months#then i'll start my other 4 classes in january#i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery)#(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..)#also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt#if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may#if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless#i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university????#i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education#bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it#also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move#i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!!#but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try#i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?
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