#more than id ever dream of
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i feel weird bc this frank resell thing didnt phase me in the least. Guy has too much shit, I get it. Sometimes you(re wife makes you) clear house a bit.
#barry.txt#im also neutral on the concept of an mcr “breakup”#we're most likely getting a live album and doc which im cool with#and like. mcr wasnt together when i got into them. Ive been just as intense a fan w mcr being dead. I'll keep being a fan and in fan circle#either way#i might just be in Chill Mode bc im sleepy#I think a new mcr project would RULE though. like i do want it#i just made peace w mcr never coming back long ago got the catharsis of seeing them live and getting a new song is like#more than id ever dream of#im. do i have a point?#i think the vigil of birds and glass 2 tweet is really funny
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together in every universe. or something
#bojan cvjetićanin#kris guštin#joker out#im neglecting schoolwork to draw this but that seems like the norm at this point#hoping if i get it all out of my system now i'll be normal during exam szn (in like. a week 😨)#<<sorry if i keep talking about school btw (semi age reveal ahead) gcses are fucking killing me uuaghhgshhahhhaj#i actually quite like this since i started drawing on a whim this afternoon and its only ten now#i dont even mind the lineart (DONT LOOK AT BOJANS HAND OR ILL JUMP OUT A WINDOW)#only a one storey one tho 💗💗💗 can't die without seeing bokris irl <<pipe dream as im too embarrassed to go to a concert#NO because bumping into jo in london would be my worst fucking nightmare 😭😭😭#what do i even fucking say 'hey are you jan from jo--' NO id combust on the spot#and what if im bothering them uknow 😭😭 idk but i used to live in an asian city where none of my idols from the west would ever visit#(except safiya love you safiya) so keeping the real life person and fictiinalized versions apart in my brain and/or at arms length was easy#but now that i live in the uk and the chances of seeing them irl are non-zero? and presented with the chance to#actively seek them out and you know go to a concert#im just too scared and awkward to do it#maybe i'll bully my friend into going with me#i feel safer revealing age more in the fucking depths of these tags but another thing that makes me feel awkward about going is age#like ik lots of jo fans are younger than me and there's no shame at all in bringing your parents i just feel so embarrassed?? to???#like i'd rather go with my friends#but that would require at least us riding the train alone and i am a small east asian girl who never looks up from the floor ever#sooooo#not happening any time soon#maybe next yr?? but probably not#unless i suddenly get a lot more independant and cool#i doubt anyone's read this much of my tags but if you have 😭😭 hope you like the art i guess#at the time of me writing i want to draw more but i'll see#(you will know since it will have been posted)#a tag previously used to say 'queueing to post at school' this is false as i am now in fact nauseous at home#my art
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a fun fact about me is when i sleep on my back a ton of air gets trapped in my stomach & occasionally makes me dream about food
[ID: a sequence of four simple drawings featuring an anthro fly dude. the sequence shows him asleep in bed, with his belly slowly swelling up. as this happens, dream bubbles show that he's dreaming of eating until his belly is enormously bloated, until he finally wakes to discover that his belly is actually bloated in real life, although not as much as in the dream.]
#art#belly kink#stuffing#stuffed belly#inflation kink#air inflation#inflated belly#tummy kink#xhowiex#when i got top surgery this happened like to such an extreme extent#not the dream part but the bloating#like when i woke up i probably had more air in my stomach than ive ever had in my life#it was horrible & i couldnt burp until they finally let me get up to go to the bathroom#i straight up felt like my stomach was going to explode while i was laying there#& then the few months i had to sleep on my back & couldnt roll over for relief were rough too#never as bad as that first time waking up after surgery#but basically just like every single night my stomach filling up until it couldnt anymore & id have to wake up
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NOT THE DREAM SEQUENCE
#THIS IS GIVING ME MAJOR DOOM AT YOUR SERVICE FLASHBACKS IM GETTING EMOTIONAL#AAAHHHHH#my demon#my demon netflix#also lol @ the actress playing her mom being in two dramas where she shows up in the FL’s dream that was conjured up by the supernatural ML#if i had a nickel for every time that happened id have 2. which isn’t much but still more than i would’ve ever expected
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nyquil save me. save me nyquil
#mic#bro i feel like ive been actively dying for the past 4 or 5 days. i dont think its covid but bro. holy fucking shit bro#plus my nightmares are way more vivid for some reason. some of them are recurring from the past too which is always an uneasy feeling#i think bc ive had a couple prophetic dreams before so whenever i dream smth more than once i start to tense up. even tho the prophetic ones#were as far as i can remember only ever dreamed once and didnt feel important at all til they actually happened + i remembered i dreamed it#even so i get all tense and twitchy when i start having recurring dreams again#thank god theyre atleast not the same ones i had as a kid when [redacted]#id kms lmfaooooo those bitches were CRAZY#god i hate liquid medicine sm. shouldve been taking nyquil since day 1 but im stubborn and dumb. better late than never ig#ok time to stop procrastinating.....save me nyquil (reluctant)
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don't get me wrong, i'm all for cute stories about pregnancy and having children together, but as someone who is like super terrified of pregnancy and wouldn't consider themself as someone who'd make a good parent, i'd loooove to read more fics about... that? either it's an unwanted pregnancy and they're terrified, or the couple talks about having kids and maybe the partner is open to the idea but understands and respects their s/o's fears and wishes. idk.
#i just keep reading about ppl getting married and having kids and i feel a bit left out??#like its sweet and happy but its not something i'd want for myself#at least not at the moment#so it would be nice to read more about characters that feel the same way#i just never interacted much with children so i have no idea how to act around them and panic#and i don't think i would have the patience and energy to care for one#maybe some time in the future this will change#but even then i think i'd rather adopt than become pregnant myself#because pregnancy terrifies me so badly#its just not something i can imagine being pleasant no matter how many people tell me it was the most wonderful experience ever#probably a very unpopular opinion#but yeah anyway#would be nice to read more about characters talking about pregnancy and its risks and becoming parents and just#not being ready#not now and maybe not ever#and that thats totally okay#like this is a bit of a fear i have#if i ever have a partner who wants kids#like id be super scared of crushing that dream for them?#so it would be reassuring to read more about acceptance of that i suppose#idk im tired and just wanted to vent a little
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feeling like shit like a loser like everything ive done this past year didnt matter
#🗞️#had a dream a guy from my past (that bitch as i call him on here) messaged me and i just let him........#i replied INSTANTLY and just let him act like nothing bad happened between us#and it fucking sucks bc i know id do sth like that irl but i was SURE id be more. idk. snarky towards him. not reply instantly. or whatever#the convo was also sooooo eerily similiar to how we used to text and god i hate it so much#at least one of us had to be drunk to text the other person and he was drunk out of his mind texting me and oh my fucking godddddd#maybe im so pissed at myself bc idk i feel like i should have a reaction of. ew i dont even wanna think about him ever again#thank god we havent seen each other in well over a year#thank god we havent talked tor even more than that#but no im just lying there feeling like shit bc a part of me knows if hed message me irl i would jumo to reply instantly etc etc#WHAT even. god. eugh
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If you see the final word count for my completed fic gently increasing over months and months no you dont
#i have realised that the ‘fast n loose’ method for churning out a fic doesnt work for me actually#i am so sad that so much of that fic was skipped- or told and not shown- or brushed over in favour of me forcing it out quickly#i know i did it for a good reason- that if i took my time with it and it grew bigger and bigger that there was a risk i would have exhausted#myself and not finished it at all which would have been way worse#i think actually taking 3 months to craft 15k chapters with many drafts makes me happier than churning out 4k in a week#that being said im so glad its finished and that- somehow- it did so much better than i would have ever dreamed <33#now i can go back and make it what i want it to be without the pressure of racing against my own stamina#and. if im really honest. i didnt think i would still be into avatar for this long lmao#i thought id lose the brainrot at around month three so i had to finish the fic before then#and yet. month 7 and i draw spider in my sketchbook every day. i think about him every spare minute.#the brainrot is still kicking and im happy#anyway here i go to dive back into that fic and add even more angst and whump and maybe another hug. if spider is lucky#i also want to write a little one shot about Ngaire properly taking care of spider after something bad happens#but idk if people wanna read OC stuff and its certainly not my comfort zone so i might keep it to myself#N E WAY this was the biggest and dumbest ramble to myself about my own fics lmao i should really shut up and just go write :’)
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brain has two options:
either certain urges are not distractable and bad stuff ends up happening
or they are distractable despite the strength of the urges at the time and so I must be faking it
can't win can I
#earlier they hit like a truck and i voice called a friend immediately and staved them off that way#now i felt them coming on again and jumped up and turned off the lights quickly so that id have to find in the dark and that has#succeeded for now even though i still feel them but they are controllable#just. cannot win with my brain#sometimes i dont know waht to do#because i dont see a way out of this#i just don't#to tell the truth i don't see myself surviving til march#puddleglum hours#i think i could die happy to the music im listening to now#and when i close my eyes every night i dream of dying#every. single. night.#and oh at this moment i ache for something stronger than merely self-harm#and it's times like this i understand people drinking#if i ever got drunk it would be to forget nothing more nothing less#hate the taste of alcohol#sometimes I'd do nearly anything to forget for a time#and a friend is talking to me and being lovely and sweet and i am here#longing to tell him that all i want right now is to slit my throat#but i won't#i won't tell him#and i won't do it#but i want to#but i won't tell him because he has enough to deal with at present#is this at a point at which i could reasonably call a suicide hotline? probably#but im not truly in danger just coming close to it and also my phone is a way away#and i dont know if i would trust myself to get up right now and go through the house to find my phone anyway#but i have people i can skype call or smth rn if i needed it so like#im safe i just don't want to be#oh what a mixed up mess this all lis
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**KISSES THEM BOTH AND PICKS THEM BOTH UP OFF THE GROUND
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#I WAS ABLE TO LIFT THEM BOTH UP OFF THE GROUND IN MY ARMS IN A DREAM SO THATS REAL NOW HFJDSK#i love them SOO SOOO SOO SO SO SO SOSOSOSOSO MUCH#every day i think of them and long for them#i just long for a happy life w them both... i want the simple things so badly tbh i want to fall asleep and wake up next to them every day#to make food for them and to cook together to go grocery shopping and running errands just whatever as long as its w them#there is beauty in everything even in the simple even in the ugly... and w them that beauty is so blindingly there at all times#i want to experience every little thing w them and be comforted by them and for them to comfort me too...#like when i broke the first elo album i ever owned and just BROKE down crying about it because of how important it was to me#and they went out immediately to try to find another first pressing to replace it#idk i just keep thinking about them and i keep feeling so sad because im not w them#the thought i could ever be w/o them makes me feel such deep dread that it makes me nauseous like ik i wouldnt be able to live w/o them#theyre my everything my life my loves my truest soulmates#id do anything to be home w them in the 80s to go on our rollerskating dates and to browse music for hours and hangout at the mall#idk i just cant stop thinking i just cant... i just love them more than life itself#i think everything in this world has beauty in it but when it comes to min and ryan its like nothing can even hold a candle to them#if the world is beautiful then they are ethereal#i was playing my guitar for a few hours today and just couldnt help but wonder if my min and ryan are proud of me...#if im... enough for them i guess#i havent been playing my whole life like they have so i feel like i cant match up... but ik they love me#and ik im good enough for the band and they would reassure me over and over of that#i just kinda wish they could love and reassure me in person#and then we could play and sing together :"-] id love to hear our voices together... i think my voice would go so perfectly w theirs
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I cant stand this, cant deal with this constant exhaustion. im so damn tired yet no matter how much I sleep its never enough and i pass out through the day regardless. the worst!!
#makes me so miserable that id rather be dead. cuz i aint living#i havent ever been living. its been like this for as longas i remember i have to sleep for at least 10 hours or im unable to function#and thats at least. i usually sleep longer. literallt have slept for 24 hours before. and was still tired after. as so fucking tired#i cant stand this combineed with my chronic migraines?? i rathe rkill myself than live like this much longer. who wouldnt?#tired lf the passing out too. im afraid to leave the house often bc i get so sleepy i feel faint. makes my agoraphobia worse#idkwhats wrong. i need to get a sleep study but i have no way to do so. its not up to me. plus i dont trust doctors no more#ive kinda just. given up at this point. id rather just sleep it away. my dreams are so vivid and happy why wouldnt i want to stay#i need to sleep now anyways. imso tired im shaking and hurting all over. sorry i nwed to vent i feel alone and paranoid. void talking#if i get embarrassed by this i might deleted it. if i even remember that is#vent#personal
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A half-assed whiteboard imitation of Edwin Landseer’s Scene from A Midsummer Night’s Dream (1851), done in a few minutes in Expo marker on 11/17/2022
Yes, it is currently sitting on the same whiteboard as where I drew Regina on Monday. As of yet, no one has erased either of them.
#i know the tutor who works in that room on fridays and he said he'd keep an eye on them#process was the same as regina. i looked at a computer and copied in my notebook. then copied my notebook drawing lazily to the board.#i kinda like the lines and unclear style of white board drawings. they allow my flaws to look more stylized#also copying a secondhand source definitely has a different effect than if i were trying to copy the original which id never drawn before#theyd come out a lot less messy-by-nature and more messy-with-effort... not the look i prefer. i like getting a pencil practice first#maybe one day ill show the pencil drawings in my sketchbooks along w these. if i ever post enough.#this is definitely something id love to keep doing#2022#college years#drawing#my drawing#art#visual art#my art#edward landseer#shakespeare#a midsummer night's dream#i was pleasantly surprised nobody erased regina. when i looked in this afternoon (3 days later) the board was completely empty but her.#kaily said if i was drawing smth else on the board i should erase one of them. but she liked bottom and titania better.#and i said i couldnt do that to lizzie... not after being so proud that she'd made it this far you know? 3 whole days in a math center?#that's nothing to be ashamed of.#the fact that it was left up despite that board being used daily is kinda like. aw :'''") it meant smth. they thought it worth keeping.#even if only for another day. and that's kinda touching.#these may both be erased someday by who knows who and who knows when. i probably won't be there. i couldnt stand to view it.#perhaps it's that kind of uncertainty of the art that imitates life. hmm yes quite.
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Thinking about that one time a friend of mine was mad that I wasn't more of her friend and I remember sitting at a table in a beer garden as she yelled at me for this and not understanding what I had been doing wrong considering she and I hung out all the time and the problem was I didn't seem like I wanted to spend time with her.
#other than that she got the Youll Be MY Friend And Nobody Elses bug i still have no idea what she was actually mad about#we literally hung out nearly every day after work and we had dinners together#and she along with the other ex bffs are why ill never do Best Friends ever again#i literally just woke up wtf was i dreaming about this????#this is also why a qpr is so terrifying to me even if it appealing#im still figuring out what a qpr would mean for me. i feel like itd have lots of discussions on respect and boundaries#but the 'Best Friends' relationships ive been in have been awful. i always always become the lackee to the master kind of vibe.#i had one bff who wouldn't do ANYTHING for me but id do a lot for her (drive 3+ hrs to her. plan really nice holiday gifts. etc)#my parents and grandparents died all around the same few years and it became apparent that she wouldn't be there for me#so yeah.#and with this ex bff in the post. i just. i think shes who made me start wondering in im aplatonic actually. bc i couldn't understand what#more i needed to give. i was there and hanging out and we were talking about each others lives and she was working toward graduation and i#was supporting her studying. and i tried protecting her from a guy at the time who did ghost her later. we talked about that a lot.#ugh. idek. i really dont know how i could have been more.#my posts
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#vent post#self harm mention#so i’ve been thinking about starting to not wear long sleeves over or under my scrubs at work#bc i feel like my scars look unprofessional but also it’s sooo hot in there#and then last night had a dream i had started my placement and was on an OR rotation wearing short sleeves to scrub in#and the doctor called me a disgusting awful human etc etc worse than anything anyone has ever actually said to me about it#like everytime i start to get more comfy something happens to ruin it#and i know it could be lots worse#and i don’t want to be that person who’s always talking or thinking about it#but it’s just i forgot once it’s summer its a decision i have to make every single time i get dressed to go out anywhere#the kicker is that i had a rule for yeaaars that id never cut my arms and i always kept it except for one random ass kind of shitty day#anyways if you read this far please know i’m fine i’m just being a little bitch#i’m also upset about how cute i used to look in little shorts so that’s how unseriously you should take this
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#its like. mentally as much as this past month was more or less a garbage fire ive still more or less remained on track and thats . . . ! ! !#considering i was beneath my lowest a few weeks ago id say thats quite the achievement ! ! ! ! !#a lot that i thought through and processed n dug up and all and really: i need to give myself more credit#and trust the process wherever i or it takes me <<<<<<<<<<<<<< ! ! ! ! ! it sucks and im alone and thats still a problem but#i mean. ive been alone through this the whole time more or less lol but im just. over this wave of it and i hitch myself by my bootstraps to#remain productive and listen to my needs and wants Ultimately and just. let loose this iron grip i have on certain things. and really dig in#to this near obsessive reaction of minimalizing myself#and in more real terms#im the best ive ever been with skating! with my writing! my programming! my creative outlets feel so much less forced than even a year ago!#im doing things i never ever thought i could do or dreamed of doing and thats amazing and im amazing and im valuable and its like#these things are just true : - ) nd i can say it and feel it sincerely backed by at least some real direction of what i want and wanna do#anyways HI i love you all hello hi for the love of god hello
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love listening to music. its like!!!! ghrbrbb!!!!! gotta punch the bed bc its so good!! finger stretch even like cats their paws. kick the air. death destroy explode
#GH!! SHE FUSES TO THE CORE OF THIS ABOMINATION!!! ALWAYS WATCHING!!!! BUT STRIPPED OF ANY WAY TO VOICE HER PAIN!!!!#HES RIPPED APART HIS SCREAM OF PAIN ECHOES INSANELY!!! AH!!! PUNCH PINCH PUNCH PUNCH KICK#this is JUST pike that messed up dream i had!!!!!#yo7 eAND HELL NEVER KNOW WHY you ever listen to a song and are like. wow i gotta stretch#fucking!!!! god!!!! love when things are more visual then logicall!!!! love when its more hearing than logical!!!#INSTEAD OF TEARS WHAT FALLS IS THE FFIHEBWWBG!!!!! MY LORDbii thought id dislike this album buf i like this:33#its just like my dream#like fucking. fuck!!!!!! its so!!!!!!! whwbwhwhwh!!!! gehwhwhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#god i love!!!!!!!! love i say!!!!! adore!!!! like that man the star being!!!! like i fesred rhe same one!!!!! how i sobbed!!!!!#>:3!!!!!!
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