#motherfucker it is a hundred percent your fault that you are in this position. you made your decisions

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

[talk of CSA, grooming, human trafficking, sex trafficking, victim-blaming and apologism for all of the above cw. i will be on about these books' bullshit @ five until the day i die and it just keeps getting worse lmao]

i hate the narrative's half-assed attempt at giving ethan a retroactive redemption arc for a lot of reasons, and one of them is that like. five is literally, non-metaphorically a survivor of human trafficking. he was just passed on to an alien cult instead of the kind of people he'd have ended up with in the real world. and that is before you add in the blatant, BLATANT thinly veiled metaphor for sex trafficking in specific.

(fun game: go through just about any scene of his that mentions power or importance once ethan comes in, and replace it with sex, sexuality, and being attractive/desirable. bring one bucket to heave into and another full of bleach for your eyeballs. enjoy!)

and like, there's so much to unpack here. so much! but the fact that these books try to make you feel more compassion for--try to get you to absolve of WAY more guilt--a sex trafficker who did it for his own gain, and to save his own skin, than the child we watched him traffic is just utterly, breathtakingly magical

[nsfwjjk]

take it, knj

you humiliated your boyfriend in front of his friends and told him your ex can fuck you better— when the truth was you boyfriend always fucked you good and hard.

⇥ pairing :  dom!namjoon x sub!reader

⇥ genre : smut, a lil bit of angst

⇥ word count : 2.1 k

⇥ warnings : bdsm, sex toys, restraint, overstimulation, oral (f.received), fingering, penetrate, unprotected sex, rough sex, kinky, spanking, punishment, pet names (slut etc)

⇥ safeword guide :

green - go for it

yellow - slow down

red - stop

➫ masterlist || © hardggukk 2020. Do not repost or modify

It was your fault. Indeed. You should not have told it to anyone and most importantly to your boyfriend’s friend. Kim Taehyung. Well, it was not hundreds percent his fault but if he didn't mention about you encountered with your ex during the dinner, you will never be in this position. You knew Taehyung didn't deliberately state about your ex in front of your boyfriend, Kim Namjoon considerate that you already told Namjoon about it but when he saw how you went surprised and Namjoon started to ask about what he talked left him baffled. Taehyung knew how Namjoon acted about you, how he detested when any guy eyed you, always so overprotective and possessive for what was him, and you was him. His everything.

You yelled at the sound of Namjoon kicked the door of his bedroom behind both of you, his hands still wrapped tight around your throat. You squeezed your eyes shut, your face strained and pale. You was not ready with whatever punishment he had inside his mind for you. You fucked up. So badly. You knew how much trouble you brought but you can’t help your thighs clenched and excited. After all, you loved to be treated like that. You could not fail to be stimulated with it. You kept your palm on his forearm, tried to loosen up his tight grip against your throat but to no avail, he choked you harder.

You deserved it. You knew no one even your ex can fuck you good like Kim Namjoon, himself but you dared. You dared him by saying ”Why you so jealous!? You afraid he could fuck me better than you!?”— most stupid things ever to say. Plus, to say it in front of your boyfriend’s friend madded him. It hurt his ego. You couldn't contain your anger when he started to think you acted sus when you exactly not, you didn't know why after three years with him he still not believe in you. You will never go to another guy except him. You knew how much your boyfriend drove you crazy and it will forever him.

You yelped when Namjoon pushed you on his bed, harsh. Your face met with the soft mattress at first along with your body, you got up immediately faced him as you crawled back. Your eyes followed every his movement as he strode towards his wardrobe, his hand reached the cabinet you wished he didn't, the drawer he kept his toy. He pulled the bottom drawer too hard until it was unattached from the furniture, he placed it on the floor harshly as it landed on the floor with a thump. Your heart thumped with fright, you never witness your boyfriend in a state like that.

”Namjoon!!” you shouted to bring his attention on you but when he turned his eyes on you, you could feel shivers ran down your spine as you sucked in deep breath. He was extremely enraged with you, his looks made you stopped in your tracks, the looks screamed ’you are going to take the punishment, there is no where out’.

”Don’t fucking open your mouth now.” He gritted his teeth, he paused for a second and whirled his feet towards you. You gulped your saliva to see him, you dazed as you stared at him walked at you. ”I don't want to hear any words coming out from your pretty fucking lips.” He warned.

His warned made your blood run cold, you couldn't predict what he will do to you but what you knew it will be hard. You blinked nervously when Namjoon reached the king-sized bed, he put his knee on the bed before yanked you by your ankle close to him. You shrieked but quick enough to shut up when his breath touched your face. You wanted to kiss him right away to calm him down but you freeze on the spot. It was like you didn't know who was the guy in front of you. ”You think your motherfucking ex fucked you better than me huh?” He said with an amused tone, his lips curved up to a wide smirk while his tongue pushed against his cheeks.

”N—No, it was a mistake, joonie. I d—don’t mean it like that,” You whispered up to him, even called him with favorite nickname but it seemed it was not even helped that time when you tried to reach his cheek but he slapped your hands away before grabbed your chin.

”All I ask from you is some loyalty and speak about whatever you think can bring you into this position, tsk but seeing who bratty you are even when I gave you punishment after punishment, you still choose this option. Am I too easy on you? Is that it?”

He brought his hands around your throat and choked it like a piece of the necklace he didn't want to take off from you. You breathed deeply as you looked up at him before your eyes followed his other hand went under your skirt, you gasped when he pushed his fingers inside of your entrance over your silk panties. You reached over his wrist but his glare enough to make you pulled back your hand instead gripped the mattress however you still wanted to try your luck as you attempted to scoot away from him but he slapped your thighs hard, you yelped and looked down on your thighs which get redden, Namjoon’s handprint even plastered on your skin.

”Don’t move. I warned you. You will sit here like a good slut you are and I will use your body like how I wanted. I will show you there is nobody who can fuck you as I do,” Namjoon said the words slow with his deep voice as his fingers pushed his fingers inside of you through your silk panties. You let out a moan at the weird feeling he gave you, you could feel your wetness gushed out from you began to seep through the silk fabric. Namjoon chuckled in mockery when he pulled out his fingers and rubbed his index fingers with his thumb to feel your wetness. ”You love it, dont you? When I treated you like this. Did he make you feel like this huh, pretty slut?”

Your moans got louder than before when he tapped your clit, you gasped at how incredible and amazing the man in front of you. He even can find your clit without even need to look and bother to open your panties. You froze at your spot as he left you like that went back to the broken drawer, you shook your eyes when you saw what things Namjoon reached to use on you. ”Yes, you are going to wear this.”

You were out of words, your boyfriend never had used it on you and never you experienced to be used with it even how bad and bratty your attitude sometimes; well a lot of times but Namjoon never once used it on you, you scampered back but Namjoon was faster enough to catch you by your ankle and immediately cuffed both your ankle with the spreader bar.

You wriggled your legs struggled to escape but you were shocked when it went even wider. ”Oh, you didn't know how this works since I have never used it on you but it's okay today you will found out.” You didn't like the mockery tone in Namjoon’s voice. You stared back at him as he walked around the bed towards your left and before you could even blink, Namjoon had pushed the button, button to get out the chains from his head bed. ”Urgh-Namjoon!!” You yanked your wrist from the cuffs attached to the chains but your legs got pulled as well made the spreader bar widened.

Your position on his bed like an alphabet x, your legs and arms prohibited her to move any muscle of your body. Your eyes helplessly followed Namjoon who smirked at you as he gazed at every inch of your body. His gaze enough made you felt like you were naked but you were still in your clothes. You were about to open your lips but Namjoon next action appalled you when he gripped the spreader bar and twisted your body before he pushed it to the front made your ass raised by him, the way he wanted.

You screamed when Namjoon gave a harsh slap to your ass as the sound of it echoed through his master bedroom. ”I’m so sick about your attitude.” That was what he said before he pulled your panties, left them above your knees as you felt his clothed bulge aligned against your ass. You shuddered when Namjoon gave a sharp slap against your folds, coated your wetness with his fingers. You sure Namjoon’s friends outside heard how harsh and loud his slap. ”You made me treated you like this slut.” He groaned before giving another slap.

You whimpered against the sheet as you fisted them, before you could process anything Namjoon had your eyes rolled back when he without any notice had pulled on the band of his sweat before plunged inside of your entrance. Moans slipped out your lips when he started to thrust, didn't even bother to let you used for his massive size like always instead he fucked so hard, rough, fast. Namjoon’s hip met your ass brutally, he gripped the side of your booty as he groaned. ”Tell me how he fucked you.” He demanded, his voice full of anger and jealousy. Your voice stuck in your throat by how vigorously your boyfriend's hip smacked against you.

You didn't realize when Namjoon let go of your cuff out frrom the chains when he gave another harsh smack on your butt, gripped your hair as it pulled you up. ”Tell me how he fucked you.” This time his hoarse voice lowered but enough to see how furious he was with you not reply to him. He yanked your hair, rest it on his shoulder as he whispered into your ears. Your back arched, allowed him to went deeper inside of you. You shook your head, refused to answer back to him but it infuriated Namjoon. He disliked when you didn't answer him, that was the reason you got treated like that by him. Just because you didn't answer a simple question and started to act suspicious by trying to mix up the real topic with him being possessive of you. He wouldn't if you told everything to him.

”Namjoon—” You barely can speak as your body struggled to take each intense thrust from him. He slapped your butt again, even harder than before. You screamed so loud by that. His rough action made your body shivered and it scared you. Your body fell forward as you cant hold your weight anymore, you knew he had strong stamina more than any ordinary man had, his cock plunged inside of you with the same rhythm, it never slowed down. ”Namjoon-” you called out his name again, begged for his mercy.

A high, squeaky moan left your throat. ”Tell me. Tell me all the ways he made you cum, slut. Tell me.” Namjoon urged, your body trembled as you gripped the sheets harder. His thrust so wild, the room filled with his skin slapped against yours and the bed frame hit the wall until you can see the mark it left against it. ”Tell me,” Another slap on your ass. ”Did he know you liked to be yelled at? Did he know you liked it rough and how you liked it to be in pain?” His voice had become increasingly strident, you flinched a slap from Namjoon made touch to your ass. You screamed as you tried to reach your ass to cover it but Namjoon reached your wrist and lock both of them behind your back. ”Did he know how to fuck you right? Did you know how to make your pretty pussy squirted?” His voice was raspy as he asked you that, you were more than turned on. His cock slide in out of you so easily because of your wet ass pussy, he pushed your lower back made your cunt went higher, changed his angle as he propped up his right legs and hit the spot that drove you crazy.

As soon as he changed his position, you felt your core began to clench around his massive cock made you rolled your eyes as your jaw dropped. ”Yeah, that spot right there. I’m the only one who knows that spot, Im the only want can make you do that when I want to...” Namjoon started to speed up and went even harder, your body rocked forward and back as your ass bounced with each rammed into you. ”...I’m the only one who knows how it feels when your pussy tightens like how it is now, how your ass clenched together and I know that means that beautiful pussy is going to make a mess for daddy.”

He was right. Whatever he said was right. No one was better than him. You were foolish to say your ex can fuck you better when you know he couldn't even last for one minute. You were so mad at Namjoon for accused you fucked your ex that night you guys chilled at the bar, you just said everything came to your mind and a part of you wanted to test him. You let out a loud moan as he shoved his cock again and again at your sweet spot. Your toes squirmed together as you panted, let Namjoon took over your body. He pulled out of you and ran his cock up and down your slit before you squirted. ”Yeah slut just like that,”

You were still in above ecstasy, the feelings of pleasure overtook every bone in your body even so before you could think Namjoon firmly placed his fingers into of you, your tightened your pussy didn't want his fingers to be shoved inside of you but not that he minded when he forced his two fingers went inside. Your squirted ran down your thighs as Namjoon moaned, enjoyed the sight in front of him. ”That’s what I fucking thought, look at these pretty mess. Did he ever make you did that, baby girl? hmm?” Namjoon moved his third fingers inside of you along with his other two fingers caused you to screech with discomfort.

”Fuck! Namjoon! Okay.” You yelled out, you couldn't handle the overstimulation after yoh had squirted out. You felt your eyes threatened to cry as you sensed the sharp sting of tears inside your orbs. ”Answer me.” Namjoom commanded. His raspy voice sent shivered down to your body. ”No! He didn't!” You screamed and gasped at how Namjoon kept his motions fast, didn't gave you any sort of break at all.

”Tell me how many times do you think I can make you cum in one night?” His fingers took the toll on your brains, continued to move in and out of you. ”How many times until you can't take it anymore?” His voice was rough with barely suppressed fury. He propelled his hip harder, you felt light-headed with the tremendous amount of pleasure and stimulation given to you. You felt wobbly on your legs, your body was almost worn out that your knees can't support your ass up however Namjoon noticed it and circled his arms around your hips pull your body up, his thrust had never wavered. Your eyes rolled back as your mouth agape and you reluctantly took every of his hard thrust.

”Fuck. I don't know.” You mumbled shakily, your face pressed against the mattress. Your replied aggravated Namjoon, he reached your clit and made a rigid circles on it. ”Fucking take it like a good slut.” His voice became a husky, erotic whisper. You had become fatigued after two times orgasms and you even had squirted but Namjoon not even once showed sign he will stop soon. Namjoon let out a final angry moan as he pulled out of you, left your hole empty. You shrieked when Namjoon turned your front body faced the ceiling with the spreader.

”Namjoon, please I’m sorry.” You apologized as your teary eyes met him when he flipped you over, but his eyes so cold and dark. He was not showing any emotions as he got up from the back, You looked up at Namjoon bare body as it glistened because of his sweat under his warm white lamp. You were also drenched with sweat, your hair stucked everywhere on your face.

”I don’t fucking care.” A deep growly voice of him replied to you. He leaned down on you as he moved the strings of your hair out from your face, your eyes wandered on his expressionless face to beg some mercy but he didn't even look at you. He then walked towards the damaged drawer, your eyes widened when he pulled out a vibrator from it. He walked back towards you and attached the cuff on both of your wrists against the chain again. ”Did he ever make you cum with his tongue, baby? Slip his tongue inside of the slutty hole until you quivered?”

You moaned louder when he placed the vibrator directly on your clit. Your body reflected the sudden sensations as you moved backward on the bed. Namjoon cocked his head to the side in disappointment as he pulled your legs with the spreader bar kept you under his control and set the vibrator at the highest peak of level, you cried out at it and wanted to keep your legs shut from him. ”Stop struggling.” Namjoon warned you before he attached his lips down on your hole. You tightened as the combination of the vibrator and his tongue made you shuddered. Your nerve was on the edge already from your previous orgasm, it won't take you a long to reach the climax again.

Namjoon’s tongue opened you up for him, allowed him more access inside of you as his saliva mixed up with your slick. He pulled away momentarily, took a look at you, somehow enjoyed to see you struggled. Your head was thrown back against the mattress, your back arched as you bit your lips harshly enough to cut them with your teeth. He kept the vibrator in place abruptly, positioned the vibrator on your small bundle of nerves that held so much pleasure to you. You could already tell you were way oversensitive as Namjoon watched you intently, knew that it wouldn't be that long until you come undone.

”Look at you slut-you don't even dare to talk like that to me now,” Namjoon chuckled, arched his eyebrows before bringing his lips to your core again as he moved his tongue in and out of you, slow and deliberate. ”I won’t! I promise!” You screamed, battled with such intense pleasure you underwent. You fisted your palm together, your body spasmed violently and your pussy clenched jointly as you splurted your cum. Namjoon smiled against your core, still kept the vibrator at your clit and his tongue still worked on your hole. ”How many times is that? You are going to count it for me.” Namjoon ordered.

”three! three-oh my god!” You choked out your saliva, Namjoon took the vibrator away as he stood up. A rush of relief filled you but only for a second before he pushed two fingers inside of you and started to move. You inhaled a sharp breath, you can't take it anymore, your pussy started to sting after all the pleasure. ”Namjoon! Stop please!” You yelled out again as your hole squirmed against his fingers.

”I won't stop until this pretty pussy stops reacting.” Namjoon exclaimed with his deep voice. He gripped your inner thighs firmly as he plunged in and out his fingers inside your hole. ”Baby-” You whined, a stream of tears fall from your eyes, you pussy still gave him reaction as he eyed you closely. After a quiet second, you stopped clenching when your fourth orgasm reached. You sighed as you closed your eyes, your chest fell up and down tried to breathe properly, you thought he was done with you but you were wrong when he opened the cuff but still left the spreader bar locked and carried you up as he pushed you against the large mirror adorned the side of his master bedroom. ”Namjoon please. Please,” You begged, your eyes still produced tears as it fell on your cheeks.

Namjoon looked up and look at your face through the mirror as he warned, ”Stop crying, slut.” Your legs trembled, your palms rested on the mirror. You cursed out when Namjoon shoved his massive, thick cock inside your throbbed hole. He was not giving you any break at all, each snap of his thrust brought you pleasure mixed with pain. You wanted him to stop but at the same time your pussy called for him, you decided to shut your eyes as you tried to focus on the pleasure. You yelped when Namjoon spanked your booty, ”Open your eyes baby, look how wrecked you are now.”

You opened your eyes immediately as you stared at him through the mirror. At this point you cant denied, he was the only one who can fuck you right, he was the only want who can treat you like that, who you put enough trust to do you as he wanted. You moaned again when Namjoon threw his head back, his mouth gaped open as he let out a deep groan and moaned. He looked so scary but at the same time so intimidating and so attractive. His movement still at the same pace, rough and fast. The pain started to develop inside your body, you clenched your palm into fists. ”yellow.” you muttered under your breath.

Namjoon gave a soft kiss on your shoulder as he kept going to reach his climax, you felt yourself tighten again. ”Good girl.” Namjoon praised softly, his palm rubbed your red ass. You moaned same goes to him when he splurged his cum inside of you, he stayed still for a moment, cockwarmed inside of you. You gasped stared at your pussy surged with his cum and yours as it trailed down to your tight. Your body almost gave up at the moment but Namjoon reached your body immediately. He carried you as he laid you down on his bed, you tried to catch your breath.

You got distracted when Namjoon walked away after giving you a soft kiss on the forehead. What was he doing? You were surprised when he turned around to see a dildo in his grasp. He grabbed you closer to him with the spreader bar before pulling it up made your legs widen and your pussy spread for him. It was crazy how you still can think how hot Namjoon right then, his built arms flexed when he grasped up the spreader. He looked at your hole before averting his eyes on you briefly and pushed the dildo inside of your core, your hands instantly wanted to reach your pussy but Namjoon’s glare halted your moves. Namjoon chuckled as he pushed in and out the dildo inside your pussy, ”Look at this dildo fucking my slut pretty pussy, my cum looked hot inside your hole, baby. This pussy is mine, do you understand?”

”Yes! It's yours!” You squealed helplessly, you squirmed when Namjoon pushed the spreader higher. Your ass practically hanged against the mattress, he gave a push of the dildo into you forcefully. You moaned when he turned it on, your mind went insane by the dildo vibrated inside you wildly. ”Fuck! Baby!” You yelled as you tried to clench your thigh but the restraint kept them opened. ”How many times now?” Namjoon asked, your voice stuck at your throat. Namjoon disliked it when you didn't answer him as he pushed the dildo further inside you. ”Four!” you replied.

Namjoon nodded, he stayed there, just let the dildo inside of him made all work for him. His right hand went up and grasped the spread bar, he smirked as he gazed down at you as you squirmed and moaned, begged his mercy but Namjoon just stayed there hold the spreader up with both of his hands and watched you rode your fifth orgasm. ”Namjoon, please... I beg you to stop, It's too much,”

”I will stop until you knew the weight your words have,” He replied, his eyes enjoyed how wrecked you looked under his gaze. ”Namjoon!” you were getting angry at the moment, ”Baby please I’m sorry okay, I didn't mean it!”

That got his attention as he crouched down, gripped your chin and stared deep inside of your orbs. ”I know you didn't but I have to make sure you won't talk like that to me again. You both know, I’m the only one for you.” His words made you angry but you can't stop your stomach coiled up, you felt butterflies from it. ”I’m the only want who can treat you like this and giving you satisfaction.” You yelled when Namjoon pushed the dildo inside of you again as it became slippery because of the cum stuffed inside of you. ”Please take it out!” You screamed, you cant held it anymore.

To your surprise Namjoon muttered ’okay’, you were relieved at second but gasped when he pushed the spreader higher to the air as he removed the dildo but pushed his hard cock inside of you. ”Namjoon! Stop!” You had tears rolled down your cheeks.

”You know your safe word.” He replied as he looked down at you, pushed his hips inside of you roughly. Your moaned became louder as the pain started to approach you. He gave a few more thrusts inside of you then replaced his cock with his fingers. Your orgasm started to swell again, you pushed his wrist off from your hole, Namjoon shook his head at your moves. He put the spreader bar down before he slapped your face, ”Stop fighting and take this like a good slut, baby.”

This time Namjoon shoved his cock inside of you, he snapped his hips into you, he supported his weight with his arms beside your face as he plunged inside of you so rough. His hard breath fanned your face, he then pulled out again from you then reached down and pushed his three fingers inside of you. You screamed and shut your eyes as you felt another orgasm came. Namjoon pulled out his fingers when he felt like your orgasm started to reach and placed his dick inside of you. ”Come around my cock like a good whore.” Namjoon groaned.

Your hands tried to push his chest off from you but to no avail he didn't move at all instead pushed his dick inside of you so rough, ”Namjoon stop!” you begged, your body tried to fight him. Your orgasm started to reach again but Namjoon kept thrusted his hip. You can’t do it anymore. Your breathe quickened, ”Namjoon!” you screamed out, wished he pulled out but Namjoon gave a kiss on your forehead still thrusted like a wild animal. ”Namjoon!” you yelled again. ”Red”

”What?” Namjoon abruptly stopped his movements, baffled by what you said. His grip on your hip loosened a bit, he looked down at you with confusion. You never once used those words every since you and him together, he knew you liked it but today he heard those words. ”Red!” You repeated, your eyes shut as tears rolled down your cheeks left him shocked, he slowly took his cock out of you, afraid if he took it out abruptly your body will ache even further.

”Shit! What is hurt baby?” He crouched down on the floor opened the restraint from you. You immediately brought your legs up as you curled up against the mattress, you broke down and sobbed like a child. You brought your hands to your aching private part, put on the pressure against it to lessen the pain. Ykh was in great pain, Namjoon didn't hurt you but it was too much, you couldn't take the overstimulation.

”Baby, what do you need? What can I do for you?” Namjoon panicked, he felt guilty about the way he had treated her. He should not punish you that hard, he knew you already apologize but he was too angry, he wanted you to know you were him, he never wanted to make you hurt. ”I-I don't know,” you chocked on your tears made Namjoon ashamed by himself. Namjoon quickly stood up and took the comforter he had thrown earlier before he punished you on the floor and wrapped your body with it.

”Please, don’t cry, baby,” Namjoon wiped your tears as he kissed your shoulder from the back, ”I’m sorry, I had hurt you, I’m so sorry, Princess.” Namjoon caressed your hair as he nibbled your earlobe nonstop whispered sorry, you felt sorry for him. He didn't even hurt you, you were just too sore to take the punishment.

”No, Namjoon, you didn't hurt me. I was too sore, I promised you I enjoyed it,” You slowly turned your body to him and wrapped his naked body with the comforter as well, you rested your head on his chest. ”I’m sorry.”

[thatdamnokie]

so, as everybody knows, our man, the lovely mark strong, turned 57 this past august 5th

since the kingsman films have had a huge influence on several aspects of my day-to-day life (gee, wonder what group of people i could be referring to...), i decided to sit down and do something i’ve been thinking about since getting my medical card earlier this year: getting high as a kite and watching them back-to-back.

to celebrate mark’s birthday, i decided to do another running commentary post like the one i did for rocknrolla ages ago, under the cut. it’s a pretty similar style, which is to say not necessarily super coherent and might be hard to understand if you’ve never seen the movies. D:

there are some mentions of the roanoke society, but not many.

if even just one person finds this mildly entertaining for four seconds, then i’ll have done my job. there is a lot of cursing and this is NOT spoiler-free.

enjoy~

edited 9.1.20 to correct typos and such, please remember that i was Not Sober while i wrote this lmao

how many times have i watched these movies at this point? i don’t even know.  

i always liked the nifty like—retro arcade marv opening animation

and the thing with the tapes! we love book-ending devices!

kingsman: badass motherfuckers worldwide incorporated

like why was merlin even with them? i understand why lee and james would be there, but merlin, was he not acting quartermaster then?

i have SO MANY FEELINGS about lee unwin

i think it haunts harry and merlin more than anyone thinks, but these are fun spy movies so we just don’t talk about trauma and shit, don’tcha know

don’t look at how merlin tears up and tell me he doesn’t drink about it *HEAVILY* later

it’s such a stark contrast to see the 1990s interior vs. what it’s like when eggsy’s grown :(

michelle baby i’m so sorry. you deserved better than this.

and BABY EGGSY

omg. like this scene is both heartbreaking but is also adorable.

colin firth has gd anime legs, that dude had to straight up unfold himself as he stood up lmao

aaannnnd swooping logo, whooooo, goin’ over some mountains~

and mark hamill, ladies and gentlemen!

this whole thing with james deciding to kinda go rogue makes me wish that we knew more about his backstory as well. like, is this james being james, or was this a weird one-off situation and he was just unlucky?

YES unlucky. nobody could plan for the hurricane of sleek destruction that is gazelle

who has one of my favorite aesthetic designs as a villain (although i guess i’d put her more on maybe henchman level? but idk, it seems like valentine looked at her more as a partner, less like an assistant? and they had a very interesting chemistry together too, like i would’ve added more valentine x gazelle scenes)

i would LOVE to be this chill about just—draping blankies over bodies

blankies over bodies sounds like a cool band name

DIBS you guys can’t have it

i am SO GLAD samuel l. jackson gave valentine a lisp!

valentine, to me, does fit a lot of the usual spy movie villain tropes

but since this movie doesn’t take itself super serious, it’s more fun than annoying

and we never hear about any of the other knights?? like

half of this is just gonna be me whining for additional footage that there just wouldn’t have been room for realistically lmao

michael caine, you are lovely

MARK STRONG, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN

WITH LEGS THAT DON’T QUIT AND AN ACCENT THAT I’D DIE FOR

i’m an embarrassment

like let’s all stop and thank god that mark didn’t have time to learn the welsh accent

not that i would’ve been disappointed, because all accents are good accents on this blog

but at this point i can’t imagine merlin as—not scottish

“try picking a more suitable candidate this time”

arthur you DICK

like were you this cold-blooded when lee died, you fuckin’ reptilian-ass son of a bitch

no wonder you were charlie’s pledge person thing

and enter the fabulous taron egerton, stage left!

DEAN you are DISGUSTING

god, michelle, you need better friends, if you were my bro this entire relationship would’ve never happened

;-; and eggsy’s so sweet with his sister! i know there probably wasn’t “room” for it but i AM glad that there are scenes showing that family is one of eggsy’s kinda “core values”or whatever you want to call it

dude is a hufflepuff through and through imo

can you imagine eggsy as a villain? we would be so fucked. he’s sly, he’s smart, he could’ve made life v e r y difficult for lots of people if he really wanted to

but look at him with the squad!

eggsy’s just like the british version of a good ol’ boy

this car scene is some dukes of hazzard bullshit (ramp-jumping and fun car horn aside)

if butterflies are harry’s main symbolic critter, would foxes be eggsy’s? or would it be a pug instead? i guess that’s like asking if harry would be either a butterfly or a cairn terrier, like mr. pickle. let’s say both.

this fandom is pretty on top of character associations like that

you get symbolic associations! YOU get symbolic associations! EVERYONE gets symbolic associations whether they’re actually in the canon or not! don’t have any? don’t worry, we’ll assign you at least one!

the guy playing the interviewing officer is ALSO the patriarch in the witch which i didn’t realize until—like, a while after

and it was while @circlesofbone​ was visiting, and we were just “oh, okay, guess we can’t escape this cast at all, this is fine”

“your father saved my life.”

harry you’re such a fucking peacock, waiting all posted up and posing so you’ll look cool

you big doofus

i’d kill to be inside his head during this first conversation with eggsy though

like is eggsy like lee? is harry seeing lee the entire time he’s talking to his son, in his mannerisms, how he carries himself, how he speaks?

or is eggsy the opposite? which—i don’t know if that would somehow be sadder?

there’s just a lot going on in the background of this bit that’s left up to interpretation

“although i’m sure it’s well-founded—“

harry’s just so casual about this entire thing, nobody’s that casual without practice

harry you rabble-rouser, what kind of life have you led

“manners. maketh. man.”

our timeless motto, my flowers

kingsman STILL to this DAY has some of the most well-choreographed fight scenes i’ve ever seen??

like yeah the church scene but even just this initial bar fight

harry could’ve been a dancer

in a way i guess he already is

like he moves so fluidly and gracefully, it is BONKERS

colin you did so good! i’m so proud!

the way eggsy’s just O.O

whether or not you ship hartwin, like, you gotta admit, that was hot

and his BODY LANGUAGE, he’s sitting like RAMROD straight, this poor dude lmao

nobody prepares you for a situation like that in public school is all i’m saying

harry, exiting stage left like a suave, smooth motherfucker

remember when iggy azalea was relevant

ugghhhh i hate this part

“I WASN’T WITH NO ONE”

can you imagine being harry hart listening to your dead friend’s son getting the shit beat out of him

like, surely he heard the cleaver, he knows dean was going to fucking gut eggsy right?

listen to how cold and icy his voice gets, oof

yeah, he’s pissed, and dean is lucky

PARKOUR

ugh, i want to go to london ;-; i want to walk in front of the shop and visit harry’s house and kiss cute english boys

i’d like to think harry’s super excited to show eggsy everything but he’s gotta keep it dialed back because “decorum”

the way eggsy pauses though

“come on.”

and he says it so softly.

if i was eggsy, i’d be nervous, too.

but i didn’t realize how quickly harry tries to give off signals like “hey there’s no reason to be scared.”

“like my fair lady?” “well, you’re full of surprises.” <3 one of my favorite sceneeesss.

harry’s voice is so soothing but eggsy is so freaked out by the elevator that he’s just—there’s no room for anything else beyond processing the elevator lmao

“how deep does this fucking thing go?” asking the real questions

aannnddd KINGSMAN BULLET TRAIN

i’d like to think they have like soft jazz or something playing in there

and then they get to the hangar and there are obviously a buuuuunch of people out on the tarmac that we just—never hear about? i just assume they’re all like technical officers or maybe other agents

“your father had the same look on his face. … as did i.”

harry is already rooting for him.

“late again, sir.”

that. brogue.

fuck, i could listen to him talk for hours, scottish accents are my favorite thing

#squadgoals

not a very diverse cast :/

the body bag speeeeech

and of course nobody was in any actual danger, but merlin doesn’t want them to know that so he becomes mr. hard as steel, i am emotionally stoic at all times, do not test me you bunch of rugrats

“classic army technique.”

ROXY

ROXY I WANT TO JUST HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS TT.TT

aannnnddd charlie, also

who we might’ve found sympathy for if we knew aaannyytthiinnggg else about his backstory

like, could he just be Like That, yeah

but most people i know who are assholes like that are that way because their parents were first /shrug/

can hardly fault the dude for turning out like that when poison was all he was given to drink

anyone else a hundred percent positive they would’ve drowned in the first trial

i would absolutely have panicked and bit it

but then again, i’m not kingsman material, i’m roanoke

and if this is the exact same test that merlin and harry went through, does that mean there might be some weird drowning trauma hidden back in there that’s just ANOTHER thing we’re not gonna talk about?

(yes the correct answer is yes)

god that’s such an american response to the problem though

glass can’t cause problems if it’s in a million pieces!

“yeah you can wipe those smirks off your faces…”

i wonder if there was ever a situation where a trainee actually drowned

and i don’t mean like amelia, i mean some poor kid who just failed the test

merlin knows how to put the fear of god in people though!

and mark strong, very handsome, yes, very scary, also yes

he and colin both look like they’re 80 percent leg in every single scene

harry literally had brain matter smatter ALL OVER HIS FACE and still somehow had the mental facilities to be aware of those dudes, leave a bomb and dive out of a window (and then escape said dudes)

billy badass, y’all

“just get it done.” okay, i took back what i said earlier, maybe he does see her as more of an assistant, less than a partner. their relationship is weird.

the puppy scene!

“it’s a bulldog innit?”

YASSSS the golden trio

because of what happened with our other canon charlie has become a weird character for me to watch, like, yeah, i “watch” charlie be himself in tss but the charlie i “see” is like—”our” charlie.

“bollocks!” and then he just runs with jb in his vest, makes me smile

aannddd we see valentine’s super cool factory

harry your hair gets so long <3

“water!” wow, who wants to bet that the fact he was instantly screaming means that maybe he’s gonna have some stuff to talk about in therapy later

roxy baby i’m sorry they made you hold the balloon and have to trust these dumbasses to not shoot you on accident

i would trust roxy to not shoot me

i love, love love valentine’s house

it’s gorgeous

set design is always such a cool way for filmmakers to include details about a character using pure aesthetics and i’m such a slut for it

tilde!

see also: one of the characters done the WORST by these movies imo!

the fact that she not only says no, she says no with enthusiasm and gets blatantly pissed, is one of the best insights we get into tilde’s character and then it just—gets wasted

like it takes three steps and then gets mowed down in the hallway like her guards

i would never be given the opportunity to be asked if i wanted an implant but i draw the line at having stuff put into my neck

awwww harry’s so proud!

that finger point “yeah, see, be more like your uncle”

merlin is SO TALL

“a bit much innit?”

he’s just—tapping a normal clipboard

… nobody wanna talk about how that’s a normal clipboard

anyway

i also love how they show him in professor sweaters for the beginning acts of the movie

definitely a softer aesthetic than one would guess for a dude who apparently did field missions sometime within the past decade or so, but i also have a theory that lee’s death directly contributed to merlin maybe being the man behind the screen as opposed to afield

because trauma is a thing but this is a FUN movie so we’re NOT gonna talk about it

“you’re gonna be all right. you’re top of the class!” this was the scene that made my mom a reggsy shipper

regardless of how you feel about them as a couple, their friendship is one of the best things about this movie, along with their dynamic with charlie, asjdnaskdjna WHY could we not have had a trio movie instead

eggsy you show-off “lemme just throw my arms up and dip outta this plane like it’s not a big deal”

roxy you can do it!

ugh, there goes my baby, off to have a near-death experience under merlin’s immediate supervision lmao

“good girl, rox, glad you made it!”

guys, they’re just kids.

i love this big group scene because it reminds us that these are just young folks, still

“my, my, you’re all very cheerful...”

“rufus, come on!” dude eggsy—and not even just eggsy, charlie and rox too--at least made an attempt at teamwork. you get points for that bro

but man, for all they know, they’re about to beef it in a very permanent way, i’d be freaking out too

merlin getting caught up in the drama

because again, he’s supposed to know that eggsy has a parachute

i think he wasn’t prepared for these two to get that close to not making it and that’s why we see him break face and drop his mug

*WHAM*

i HATE the sound of them landing

it’s not like you can hear bones breaking but it hurts me, guys

and then there were three

plus one daddy long legs quartermaster

“if you have a complaint you come here and you whisper it in my ear.”

yes SIR

“you need to take that chip off your shoulder.”

merlin coming’ in with the tough love portion of the kingsman core squad

there’s no reason for me to think harry’s persona was inspired by cruella de ville somehow but i do anyway

she reveals the mcdonald’s and valentine is just :D

idk if he was expecting a specific reaction or was just excited to see a reaction period

valentine is definitely a fun villain, which, given the tone of the movie, makes sense, it’s all supposed to be fun

one of the reasons i love kingsman is that it’s like, this golden ray of goofy cinematic fuckery in a world of grim!dark remakes and other superhero/spy films who are presented as more serious stories

“and thank you for such a—happy, meal.”

harry got a puppy smile

but see, then, here at his house he’s a lot more relaxed with gazelle! like, patting her butt, etc.

maybe what we see of their relationship is dependent on setting, because valentine himself has it compartmentalized?

perrrrrrhaps

“and i am never, EVER GOING TO AGREE!”

tilde, you deserved better, and i think all the weird hate you get from our ohana is unfair

you don’t twist a runner’s ankle before the race starts and then get mad when they don’t win

your story was mishandled from the beginning

asmr: hanging out with the golden trio watching worrying news in the kingsman trainee bunker room

the way he says “biblical sense” lmao

i have never been able to figure out if the way he says that line is supposed to infer spiritual respect, or lack of it, but i might be looking too into it

“it’s an acquired taste, mate.”

what—what would you even do if you were at a club and three people as hot as taron, ed and sophie all came up and start talking to you at the same time

like i know the target got up and left pretty quick because of the training exercise

but i’d be doing it because i’m ugly and if three hot people are all talking me up at a bar something is Bad and Wrong

which—the CAHONES on both eggsy and roxy

they both literally said “yeah i’m willing to die for this organization that hasn’t even given me a permanent place yet, what of it”

look at harry’s dimples in this scene, he is fighting a huge grin, he’s SO PROUD

i know that charlie’s response is supposed to be just more fodder into the “charlie hesketh is a tool” fire

but given that i’m not unconvinced that his home life wasn’t super shitty, like—

idk, this makes this scene a lot less fun to me. it makes it sad.

like, maybe charlie didn’t even want to be there deep down, maybe this was all for like, arthur, or his dad, or some other person he looked up to

and the way merlin looks when he tells charlie to go home, the way that he’s kinda grimacing? i’m wondering if he’s along the same kind of feeling. he’d know more about charlie’s history

have i also mentioned how much i love harry’s war room?

“YES harry!”

an evil plan is being born!

“true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

eggsy is still in his club clothes, so like—has he slept? y’all let those kids sleep after fucking drugging them, right? … guys?

“—when one is popping ones cherry.”

and eggsy is just CHEESING he is SO EXCITED

am i the only one who wants to learn more about the store clerk guy though?

he’s like the one person around who’s legit just there to run the shop

has no idea about any of the spy stuff happening

his name is donald, he’s married with three children and has two spaniels he loves

“THAT is sick.”

i would KILL for this room.

i don’t need anything in here for any reason but still

foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing, more foreshadowing—

harry is such a NERD

“put it back, eggsy.”

the amount of self-control it would take to not have a sudden change in expression in that moment, omg

i wonder how THAT gets trained up in kingsman

“i guarantee it.” ha, get it, it’s a reference to that one commercial

“y’all—talk so funny.”

and this all means that they had a contact at that hat shop and got all that info to them before valentine got there, and somehow made sure he did end up buying a hat that they could also successfully put a bug on, how deep does this goooooo

“jack bauer?”

it says a lot about eggsy that out of all the jb’s it could’ve been, it was jack

uggghhhhhh of course they HAD to do this scene with eggsy with arthur

obviously harry couldn’t do it

i just think most of us would NOT be fans of arthur at this point in the movie, we’re all rooting for eggsy, like, he needs this moment with this other character because we gotta drive home that he’s an asshole

also—would have absolutely failed that test

and i’m not sorry at all

“welcome to kingsman--lancelot.”

i was really happy that it was a female agent who ended up getting the handle

aannddd more echoes of past scenes, man, nobody can say that this crew wasn’t intentional with their cinematography

when eggsy rolls the window down you can see his chest moving up and down, like, he is MAD

dean you asshole

so no wonder he gets so pissed that the car suddenly decides “nope, no, we’re not doing this, c’mon”

this entire conversation at harry’s house is—tense

and you don’t pick up on it the first time, i don’t think, but uh

i’m seeing it now

harry’s not just mad, he’s hurt, and eggsy’s furious but he’s also maybe regretting his actions.

it’s these two men who are rapidly trying to figure out their headspaces and trying to figure out how to navigate this situation with each other

and the way eggsy tries to apologize ;-;

kentucky is a beautiful state, actually

ohhhhhh y’alllll

we’re at the churrrccchhhh

we’re gettin’ closer to the coolest part of the movieeeee

it’s telling that gazelle was trying to make sure that they’d be safe

“… so hail satan, and have a lovely afternoon madame.”

the most metal lines colin firth has ever uttered on camera

the siren noise after it’s switched on bothers me in a way i can’t quite articulate

it might be because i have silent hill-colored trauma, who knows

FREEEEEE

BIIIRRRDDDDDDD

THE GREATEST ACTION TRACKING SHOT IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA

but then eggsy and merlin are reacting aaaanndddd it’s—a lot less fun

because you realize that they’re watching their bro mercilessly slaughter innocent people and not stopping

and still not stopping

and still not stopping

but plot twist, i’m really glad they kept the track going, because if they’d suddenly picked *this* part of the scene to get serious, that would’ve brought the mood down so low that i don’t think there would’ve been any bouncing back

i just

how do people exist who aren’t attracted to harry hart

that man is a machine

and colin worked so hard to be able to do the scene himself, and that work SHOWS, that man cuts a FIGURE

i don’t know how they managed to somber it up just the right amount, either? maybe because they waited for the “fun action sequence” to be over so there wouldn’t need to be noise that had to be masked by a fun rock track?

“… what did you do to me.”

i cannot imagine what harry was feeling in that moment.

the way he spoke it was like he didn’t even have time to be afraid to die

“that tends to happen when you shoot somebody in the head. feels good, right?”

“no, it does not feel good!”

i love that exchange because we normally hear the opposite.

also—whiplash.

mark has this way of expressing grief without showing any—blatant signs.

like merlin’s not especially tearful, or crying, but his eyes look MASSIVE. and SAD. and he has just the tiiiiiniest tremor in his voice.

and eggsy, dude, like, we’ve all had it come on us really quick and suddenly it’s like your chest is pumping like a piston and when did it get so hard to breathe?

ARTHUR you REPULSE me

like look at how egssy’s shoulders sag when he realizes that arthur isn’t on his team

and in a way, this is eggsy’s final test as a kingsman trainee, imo

do you realize how quickly he had to assess what was happening and figure out what to do, all without arthur noticing?

“you are all alone. it is all up to you. remember all you have learned. good luck.”

it’s a very—almost horror-esque situation from that pov

and he passed with flying colors to go on his first true mission, because after he puts on the suit, that’s his visual cue of graduating, if that makes sense

that’s the knight putting on his armor.

“i’d rather be with harry. thanks.”

“so be it.”

*click*

me: *laughing at arthur’s big dumb stupid head*

… man i’d love a replica of that decanter and glasses set though

not to mention that eggsy recognized the flaws in arthur’s character and weaponized them, which is a whole other level of shit that isn’t necessarily easy; he knew that arthur carried the kind of pride that would leave him open

god, he looks so exhausted though when rox has him at gunpoint.

i think he was being pretty serious, about harry

sick helipaaaaaaad

that thing looks vaguely like a rock-‘em sock-‘em robot but in pieces though

more grandpa sweaters <3

man. you can see roxy swallow, you know she’s scared, but then she just sets her jaw and—

roxy baby you are the best i love you

i like the vintage vibe of the mountain lair

i think that’s another visual poke at the aesthetic themes of some of the older, og spy flicks out there

merlin looks SO LANKY walking back to the plane for some reason??

he stays until the last second for roxy. that’s love right there.

“a bespoke suit always fits.”

which can be good spiritual life advice too but that’s a separate conversation

“what the fuck is WRONG with you people?”

and his fuckin’ disco ball

uuggggghhhhh his speech reminds me of so many… “public figures” that i dislike

even though it’s obviously a bad thing that the chips are everywhere, i appreciate that phones and such are being shown in a positive manner (like, michelle talking to someone in the park, people at a ball game taking selfies, people at the beach, etc.) because i get so sick of that anti-tech boomer humor tbh

and the big reveal of eggsy in his suitttt

A KNIGHT IS BORN

“how’s the view?”

“hideous.”

you’re allowed to be crabby baby, you just let it out.

“lookin’ good, eggsy.”

“feelin’ good, merlin.”

merlin is so calm heading into the fortress and i don’t know if it’s because he’s very, very good at compartmentalizing and that’s genuinely how he is at the moment or if he’s that way through extreme self-control and effort

he can rock a pilot’s uniform though

just like eggsy can rock a suit

they’re both so handsome, help

i also wonder how eggsy’s feeling right then

like, i’d imagine that the pressure of having to perform a role to literally save the world would be enough to distract him from the bite of grief

that’s—probably enough to distract everyone, tbh

i a hundred percent believe there are breakdowns we don’t see

i wonder if eggsy told tilde he’d spoken to lindstrum(sp?) after everything was said and done

like, that’d be some kind of weird foreshadowing in hindsight

this scene is anxiety-inducing in a big way so to distract myself i imagine roxy as a mech pilot

dude i’d totally watch sophie in a role like that, like, let her be in a movie like pacific rim, she’d kick ass

and now we have The Chaos

otherwise known as that point when Everything Is Happening All At Once All The Time

also a thing that doesn’t exist in spy movies: hearing damage

because like his voice is right in eggsy’s ear and without it he’d have a LOT harder time surviving

imagine being an agent, merlin trying to talk to you, but something either hits your ear or goes off right next to it and suddenly it’s just silent

SYSTEM FAILURE

YAAASSSSS

WE WIN

GGOOOAAAAALLLLLL

THE AUDIENCE IS DOING THE WAVE

except JUST KIDDING

The Chaos 2 Electric Boogaloo!

merlin with a huge gun: hot, also, very scary

eggsy is just 10000% done

“this is mine. i’ll show you yours.”

i wonder who e man was supposed to be that valentine called.

like is that a reference to a real person that i just did’t catch?

… elon musk? maybe? idk

eggsy slides like a gd anime character

when he uses the rainmaker, it’s just like harry’s protecting him from somewhere else

(oh—wait, technically kentucky, i guess)

“merlin, i’m fucked.” you can hear the anger there. not only did he fail, but he—and everyone else—is about to die

but this? this is the pinnacle of eggsy showing himself as a kingman agent

he was staring death straight in the mouth and STILL

SOMEHOW

REMEMBERED THE IMPLANTS

so i guess if i say that the moment when he puts on the suit is when he becomes a true agent, then maybe this is the moment when he becomes galahad.

*bobs head to pomp & circumstance*

i remember getting a huge kick out of how colorful they made this

because in real life you know a bunch of people literally blowing up would be like—DISGUSTING

viscera everywhere

no fun rainbow mushroom clouds

“i’ve always wanted to kiss a princess.”

ANOTHER knight reference, very clever matthew

mmmmm Do Not Like that noise

aaaannndddd *that* line

which—maybe that’s mr. vaughn’s sense of humor, or what he thinks the sense of humor his core demographic has, idk

but it always kinda rubbed me the wrong way

the mass brawl scenes are edited so like--jarringly compared to the other fight scenes in the movie

that’s probably for a reason

also, a showdown to the tune of something disco: kind of another trope homage

this shot of gazelle is so sick, i love everything about it, she is so cool

this entire fight with eggsy is awesome tbh

we got a little bit of what gazelle can look like in combat earlier with tilde’s guards, but now we get this epic showdown seeing her at her full potential against someone who’s actually a challenge

and the way valentine is shouting for her to kick his ass from upstairs and yelling encouragement lmao that’s how real friends act when there’s a fight

daisy ;-; ugh, that’s the visual gutpunch that makes it juuuuuust serious enough by reminding us of the stakes

which is why it’s fitting that then we see the Slo-Mo K.O.

and that smile with the fun little chimes in the back, lmao

and eggsy, quick on his feet again byyyy being quick on gazelle’s feet—foot—whatever

man, impalement deaths are always fun.

coulda done without the vomiting but that’s also one of valentine’s quirks that makes him different from a cookie cutter villain

aaannddd have a heavy sigh from merlin

that dude needs a full-body massage and a drink

“is this where you say some really bad pun?”

reminder: i love that this movie is self-aware! i could not picture a super serious kingsman movie! i just picture something depressing!

there had to have been a better option besides—this, for this eggsy/tilde ending scene

i’m not saying i’m mad it ended with them fucking, i’m mad that the extent of the joke was anal and that was it.

also the idea of my boss possibly seeing me having sex would have me a little more concerned about the hardware on my face, but okay??

aannddd the tapes.

gah, we love visual throwbacks!

we love being able to see that despite all this growth and change, family remains very important to eggsy—he hasn’t changed into a different person, he has grown more into himself than ever before! THIS! THIS is eggsy unwin!

… GET READY FOR IT

time for tgc! (and to get into my roanoke feels, maybe, this is the nexus where our canons connect)

the BAGPIPES

okay

i did not stop to consider how unpleasant this was going to be to watch stoned but we’re gonna power through it and get through it together

if i cry i cry

the way the music swells into the main theme <3

and the perfect reveal for our boy eggsy!

reflected in gold, looking sharper than broken glass

and SUDDENLY CHARLIE

the pacing in tgc leads me to believe that matthew had huge plans for this movie, and a lot of cool stuff probably ended up on the cutting room floor for time

i also love that they brought charlie back

i love his voice box and his cool robot arm

and i’m not just saying that because it made it super easy to blend him into our canon, either, this is like—charlie’s evil twin in terms of his new aesthetic, the contrast is really cool

YYAASSSS THIS SCENE

WITH PRINCE PLAYING??

*CHEF’S KISS*

like we are IMMEDIATELY thrown back into the gold parts of it all, like how physics is a little broken so we can do cool shit like have a knockdown drag-out fight all within the space of a small cab

i wonder what would’ve hurt charlie worse—being thrown onto his organic side, or having all his weight land on his metal arm if it hadn’t disattached

but then he’s up and standing so i guess we’re fine?

MERLIN! <3

otherwise known as the character entrance that literally changed my life

i try not to think about it too much or i get weirded out

ANYWAY

(and to think i almost never even saw the movie)

Sick Car Chase, Bro

and as an american, like, everything’s on the opposite side to me, it’s stressful to watch a little bit

“i seem to remember in your training you were rather good at holding your breath.”

man, that’s uh—kind of a macabre thing to say, merlin

just a little bit

i’m not even gonna attempt to hold my breath to see if i’d survive this scene just assume i’m dead in that universe

we all live in a kingsman subarmine, a kingsman submarine, a kingsman submarine~~

“not boasting, but i trained him well enough that even he wouldn't mess that up.”

merlin are you okay??

gah, i love that chest-deep laugh though.

is it real love if they won’t crawl through the sewer to get to your house in time

i love that harry’s house looks basically the same

i know they talk about eggsy not wanting to change anything in the novelization but i haven’t read it yet so I’m not a hundred percent sure what all is in there

and we still get to see him hanging with his friends, and his girlfriend, like, this dude is still all about the family

“wwwwOOOOO!”

i love this group so much omg

for as much as he’s galahad, he’s still eggsy

the transition in the weed bag looks super cool

… oh, i guess watching this while high makes the main storyline hit a bit different

welp

i love that poppy is an aesthetic slut and really doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion about how she makes her space

like, “i want a big 50s-style diner with a gourmet kitchen that i can cook people in, soooooo i’m getting one”

it’s also refreshing to see julianne moore in a bad guy role!

not that i’m super familiar with her filmography but i feel like i’ve mostly seen her cast as like a good guy?

i could be wrong

awwwww jet and bennie!

there’s so much to love about this set

cannibalism and the fact that she bulldozed jungle to build all this aside (suspend that belief!)

the breakfast sceeeeeene

it’s so bittersweet, for obvious reasons

and it’s more evidence that he’s not super ready to move on into new territory yet, like making new memories with tilde that ring close to home

“i wish i could have met him.”

and the way he has to turn away, ugh.

eggsy. i’m sorry.

tilde, i’m sorry, too. you had good intentions, but they lost against his pain.

michael gambdon! the new arthur we didn’t know we wanted until we got him.

charlie had a moral glo-down, it’s fine, happens to everybody

FFFFFF his imitation of merlin lmfao

man, poor charlie, like

you wake up, you can’t make a sound, your arm has been blown off and your family’s dead

like his reaction to that entire scenario isn’t entirely unrealistic, i’m just saying

also LOOK AT ROX

omg everyone in this movie can wear the FUCK out of suit, y’all

man, i’ve gotten a few tattoos that were exquisitely painful—i can’t imagine how much it would suck to do it with literal molten metal

dude this means clara laid on her stomach and probably screamed at the floor as she got hers D:

this kinda—riffs off of hannibal, a teeny-tiny bit

like we’re so overloaded with the aesthetics and behavior of a certain character so it’s like, we forget about the much darker parts untillllll there’s a mood change and we’re looking at that dude’s legs, to the burger this other dude puts in his mouth, and thinking “oh, oh dear, ew”

i love eggsy in the orange jacket <3 snaps for the wardrobe crew across this series.

tilde’s face, omg, she was heart-eyeing so bad. and like, that little proud nod at her dad (who was of course being Like That on purpose)

and roxy, coming in in the clutch, you are tonight’s MVP

uggghhhhh i hate this part

because again, it’s just--a bunch of bad shit colliding outside of anyone’s control

(it was also really jarring seeing the war room with blank walls the first time i watched this)

like—granted, you should maybe not touch stuff that’s not yours, but…

like we *just* saw eggsy and brandon in a very casual, intimate scene with each other, how can anyone get angry with brandon?

this is all stress-inducing

i remember being in the theater watching this and feeling like i was watching some awful slow motion car wreck and i couldn’t look away

idk what other story i would’ve wanted to see but i was NOT a fan of Sudden Death For Christmas, especially concerning roxy!

and poppy is such a *bright* villain, not just because of taste but because of her personality, which is another weird thing to have next to the cannibalism

gaaahhhh charlieeee your arm is so cooooool

this shot is gorgeous and incredibly depressing.

what do you do?

gah, and the way merlin comes out of the dark, like

i probably would’ve drawn a gun on him too

“you think *i* would?”

this scene shows 1. how much he trusts eggsy to not shoot him, and/or 2. how good merlin is at compartmentalizing, because this is an even bigger blow than harry’s death, and he’s following the protocol like it’s an art form

i hope that we see some reference to this safe in the next movie, that’d be a cool way to tie the narratives all together

“i suppose that must be upper class humor. … i don’t get it.”

reminder, merlin is working class.

if you’re a ho for this fandom and went and bought this whiskey specifically because of this movie clap your hands *clap clap*

and they proceed to just get HAMMERED

“country rooaaddsss… take me hoooooome…”

another reminder: kentucky is a beautiful state!

i would love to tour a whiskey distillery, that’d be super cool

“shame it’s not scotch”

again, with his weird night vale clipboard.

who would win: two highly-trained kingsman agents vs. one (1) cowboy

channing tatum, ladies and gentlemen!

“y’all look damn sharp!”

i am forever gonna be mad we didn’t get more of tequila in this movie, and not just because of roanoke either, but like, “that dog don’t hunt,” whatever he has in his mouth sealed a leak in a barrel, and it took him all of two minutes to incapacitate both eggsy AND merlin? hello??

i’m glad we’ll get to see more of him in the another movie.

“you know why the measurement of alcohol is called proof?”

just dumping it on their laps, so disrespectful

“—and you can go fuck yourself.”

eggsy fucking just giggling.

these two doofuses

also it’s hot to see merlin be sassy ngl

“HARRY!”

these guys have been fast thinkers in stressful situations but as it turns out, people being unexpectedly not dead can kinda fuck with your day

aaannddd halle berry, everybody! i love ginger ale omg

(and so does merlin, he is instantly enchanted)

;-; this reunion scene

i don’t know how colin manages to be two completely different people at once

like there’s a huge difference between former agent galahad and harry hart the lepidopterist and i can’t explain it

i really, really hope we see at least one little hint at kinsman’s relationship with statesman in the new movie, i just think it’d be really cool

in roanoke canon, there’s an office rumor that the nanobot tech used by statesman was influenced directly by the same technology developed by dr. wernicke in the outlast games. i still think it’s one of my better crossover ideas.

also

god bless whoever decided to get elton john involved with all this?? because i was DELIGHTED

i love poppy’s wardrobe as much as i love her weird 50s-land in the jungle

i also really love the main statesman theme? it reminds me of all those fun epic westerns

jeff bridges! :D

champ vaguely reminds me of my dad

“can you imagine us in the tailor business?”

and he’s super quick with the questions. my headcanons for champ are all over the place but one that i really like is that he was maybe a sheriff or in law enforcement before being recruited by statesman.

aaanndddd pedro pascal, everybody!

otherwise known as *another* character that this movie did dirty, that’ll probably come up in this later

imagine being harry hart, not remember all of yourself, and suddenly your entire room just—fills with water

that had to have been so terrifying, and it was just as hard for merlin to watch (and possibly remember something unpleasant)

and like

that sounds like SUCH bullshit, too, like “yeah we thought if you came close to drowning it would help”

which, is that what merlin meant, no, but is that what harry heard, probably

enter jb the second ;-; <3 sweet baby

tilde’s trying so hard. i see you!

aha, penis jokes.

and all of the unnecessary weird festival stuff, uuggghh

there are so many different things they could have done, like, all of this is just weird from the get-go

first of all, whiskey striking out? hello?? saying no to a man like mr. pascal???

not realistic

the way whiskey takes a shot as he walks away lmao, relatable

and poor clara, like, it’s not like she was asking for any of this D:

hmmmmmmm don’t know how i feel being a stoner watching other stoners get this blue rash thing when i know it kills some of themmmmmmm

i love charlie in his newsboys cap!

poppy has a little bit of a point. like, booze is way more dangerous than pot, as is tobacco. like i would never advocate anyone try meth or heroin, but i think weed and some hallucinogenics get bad wraps.

seeing a dude get torn in half in the reflection of elton john’s sunglasses is the surprising bit of gore we need to remember that oh, yeah, the villain isn’t fun, she’s a murderer

uuggghhhh the TENT SCENE

and, look, i’ll defend tilde forever, but i did NOT like the weird marriage ultimatum. i still think it’s a dick move, like, in that situation either decide to trust your boyfriend or break up with him

the tent interior is super cool-looking

and like, man, he tried, he tried to bounce D:

/sigh/ work hazards, i guess

mmmmmm we don’t need any of what’s happening on screen right now so i’ll just sit patiently and wait for it to be over

and like, there’s nothing funny about merlin and ginger being able to hear everything that’s going on, it’s so grosssss, poor ginger has to have heard some shit before to be so nonchalant about it

everything about this sucks

and then he tries going to the one person who he needs the most and having to deal with him still existing in some state between alive and dead

his body is here

but harry is not

“maggots turn into flies, perhaps you mean larvae!” :D he is SO CUTE

but this entire conversation, with harry still not remembering and eggsy trying so hard to reach him through the fog, is so depressing

like, i’d need a drink too

*and* a joint

i’m seeing my coping mechanisms on screen here folks

the way he comes up with the idea is kinda ingenious though

like, he’s looking at stuff to make himself bummed on purpose, but therein he finds the thing he needs to fix the issue

harry’s smile when eggsy hands him the puppy TT.TT

and then eggsy just becomes a stone cold motherfucker with no emotions

“no one’s sick enough to shoot a puppy!”

hi, flashback!harry

and as SOON as he remembers himself, it’s like his eyes are different, something about him looks like it did before kentucky

“… eggsy.”

one of my favorite movie hugs

and eggsy has to stand on his tiptoes because harry’s so tall

like yeah merlin and harry’s reunion isn’t as overtly emotional, but there’s definitely a sense of joy and relief there.

harry my baby ;-; much better with the sunglasses (and merlin was so close to telling him he looked spectacular)

“now is that any way to welcome a visit from outta town, moonshine?”

he! tried! to! defend! harry!

i hate that jack got a villain story line!

we could’ve had something so much better and infinitely more compelling!

“hurrrr durrrr morgan you just like redemption arcs because you don’t want anybody being a villain permanently” i also like them because sometimes that’s better writing, y’all sit down

“that is NOT what i call a kentucky welcome.”

i love so many things happening in this scene, like

we get to see whiskey kick ass, like yassss gimme those sweet action sequences and give us some character development by showcasing his fighting style

and also NOBODY shits on harry for not being able to handle the situation. both eggsy and merlin were like “dude we’re still celebrating the fact that you’re alive tbh it’s fine if you’re not back up to speed right this second”

you can really tell that this was penned by british people writing american slang because having grown up in the southern half of the u.s. i have never ONCE heard ANYONE say shit like “i feel like a tornado in a trailer park” lmao

and poppy’s fun little death threat infomercial, so great

“what have you done to me you FUCKING BITCH” oof, that’s a mood

!!!!! gonna be honest i kinda forgot that bruce greenwood plays the president

okay but save lives, legalize isn’t an entirely bad idea tbh

hnnnnnnng the scenes about people not being able to get into the hospital hits different in the year of our lord 2020 huh

… y’all i’m being weirded out by all this hospital scenes, this is unpleasant

i, too, wish i could pull a tequila and just be slipped into a chilly coma until shit wasn’t so fucked up

“the fact is, this presidency has won the war on drugs!”

THIS SCENE!

look, y’all can come into my inbox and call me a pothead, or a lazy stoner, or some third insult, but this dude’s VP is bringing up some very, VERY important points when it comes to any kind of discussion about drug use in the u.s.

am i drug-friendly, sure, but i’m more friendly to the notion that we stop demonizing addicts/users

harry looks fucking SCANDALIZED when he sees champ spit into his spittoon thing

i don’t think whiskey even brought up harry not being ready to return to the field in an insulting manner, he literally just saw him get his ass beat in a bar, but eggsy’s faith and loyalty are up there in the category of unstoppable force/immovable object, so here we are

am i the only one curious about the whole charlie x clara thing? because he’s definitely grown up a bit by tgc, and i wanna know how much of that might be because of clara

and he MISSES, e for effort harry

“so sorry about this—“ WHAM

and now that guy can say colin firth busted his face with a fire extinguisher, which is very cool

“*you’re* wu ting feng?” “… yes?”

“you motherFUCKER” ohhhhhh charlie maaaaaad

ginger and merlin though, #couplegoals

the only person more pissed off about the hallucinations than everyone else is harry

imagine remembering that you’re one of the top people in your field and you just keep seeing imaginary butterflies everywhere

like, yeah, i’d be pissed at not being able to do what i knew i was capable of, too

if it wasn’t careening towards a random retirement center, getting stuck in a wildly rotating gondola thing could be fun

nice tuesday afternoon activity

i would loved to have seen more galahad/whiskey field stuff

“you’ve got to be fucking kidding me—“

meanwhile, in the continuing adventures of eggsy and jack: shit goes from bad to worse like a formal spiral only going downward

their expressions as their both just SCREAMING always make me laugh

”that’s the first decent shit i’ve had in three weeks.” <- as does that line, that old dude’s just telling it like it is

eggsy’s comment about the antidote just reminds me of when boromir looks a the ring and says something like “all this for such a tiny thing”

dun dun DUN what are THOSE? hints that whiskey may not be who we think he is??

great. so excited about that. i say, rolling my eyes into the sun

“i’ll fix their wagons.” no one says that matthew!

i. love. this. scene. because now we get cool gun tricks AND the second most metal thing that happens with a lasso in this movie (we’re coming up on the most metal thing)

like please please PLEASE show us more lasso tricks in the statesman movie

“well thank fuckin’ christ i didn’t need any backup.” i wonder if whiskey’s acting angrier than he actually is to throw off the fact that he might’ve caught harry’s glance at him betraying suspicion

RIP jack

imagine the timeline where whiskey was never a bad guy and harry hart just blew a dude away for NO REASON

now THAT would be an interesting movie

because harry and eggsy, for all they went through in the first film, never had a conflict where it was harry in the position of mangling the ropes up

but of course eggsy would never, never tell merlin what happened because he’s still ultimately on harry’s team

damn, charlie, literally blowing up your girlfriend seems kinda extreme

“THIS is vital!”

and here we get to see the biggest difference between merlin and ginger

now, i know there’s extra stuff in the novelization about their relationship and i can’t talk about it because i have no idea what’s in the book

but!

i DO still headcanon as merlin quitting fieldwork after lee’s death

his comment is either what he genuinely believes, or maybe what he fashioned his beliefs into after stepping down from his field role, and ginger is just as sincere in her desire to break into that aspect of working for statesman

it’s like seeing the same character but in two points in time, and it’s really cool

that balance would’ve also been a fun aspect of their romantic relationship to explore but alas! ’twas not to be

colin and mark could both play slenderman

look at those limbs.

gracious.

also this facetime scene with eggsy and tilde T.T

that has to be so terrifying to watch when you know the steps of death and what they look like as they get closer

but it also puts a fire under eggsy though

“i’m leaving with, or without you.”

and of course they’re both gonna go because that’s NOT characteristic eggsy behavior based off of how we know he views family/squad

that’s how they know he’s being for cereal

uugggggGGHHHH and THAT FORESHADOING

stacey pruitt, attorney at lawwwww

hmmmmmmmmm

what does this conversation between poppy and the president remind me of

gonna just sigh into the void

and now we have harry and eggsy on the jet along with the BIGGEST LIE harry hart has ever told in his LIFE

kingsman and statesman aesthetics at least tend to be the same color schemes. lotta golds, yellows. browns.

eggsy, yeah, it’s a bummer your gf dumped you, but this relationship wasn’t very well-developed or written so i’m not as bummed as i could be

“… and in that moment, all i felt was loneliness and regret.”

harry shut the FUCK UP

you felt NOTHING??

you weren’t thinking of, gee, i dunno, EGGSY? or MERLIN?? your MOM???

like these lines from him just seem to come out of left field and i can’t even halfway suspend my belief long enough to come close to believing him

like mr. hart you just gonna be like that in front of jesus and everybody????

so, yeah, of course he’s on board with saving tilde! because he recognizes (apparently just right that second) that “having something to lose is what makes life worth living”

and i don’t know if they felt like there need to be some weird, deeply contrasting reason for harry to swing around to being in support? or something?

like

i’m forever pissed about this characterization and i don’t even know if i’m expressing my anger in a way that makes it easy to understand lmao this is fine, i’m fine, literally not a single person in this fandom ever believed those lines anyway, it’s fine

moving on

... and even if they WERE true then honestly that just makes me more excited about butterfly knife, because that means that harry acknowledged both the bad side of the coin, and also the side with rae on it (which would mean seeing her for who she was and also recognizing his feelings for what THEY were) and drew the ultimately correct conclucision that love! is! always! worth! it! let that shit in like a welcome guest in the home of your heart, and they will stay as long as you let them!

as SOON as he wakes up ginger looks a thousand percent done lmao

and the “process” that they use to wake people up or whatever is—interesting

because all it is, is trauma turned into a tool which is kind of a weird concept to see in a “fun spy movie” imo

and this is one of what i feel were like only what, two? glimpses we get into whiskey’s Tragic Backstory

and the other scene isn’t a glimpse it’s just straight up exposition in his dialogue :/

jack, i’m sorry, you deserved better than this as a character

i’m sure the name “silver pony” is a reference to something but i don’t know what

“lookin’ GOOD merlin!” “feelin’ good, eggsy.”

ladies and gentlemen when i tell you that i lost my pool-noodle mind seeing him put on that suit watching this in a theater, i--

ANYWAY

because now that i have the horrible burden of having seen these movies a million times

i know it’s more symbolic

he stays in sweaters so long, as an agent of the background, because he walked a man to his death

so it figures when he puts the armor back on for the first time in ages

he walks to his own

uuuggghhhh the minesweeper

i hate this

i hate it

i hate everything about the feelings i’m having while this is happening

*beep-beep*

“you move, we die.”

i HATE IT

but like, i don’t know, how preferable is this to the end scene we almost got, which was merlin dragging his newly-legless corpse through a doggy door?

because it’s been literally multiple years and i still have no fucking idea

they’re both horrible in their own terrible, awful ways

damn, matthew, it’s not often someone manages to come up with multiple versions of a thing and have every version be so gut-wrenchingly horrific, i’m truly impressed and completely disgusted

“do as your told!”

god

everyone just going through twenty shades of Bad Feelings in the space of fifteen seconds here in the jungle

and colin and taron do this thing where it’s like—their eyes go dead? like, there was a light here, it’s gone now

it SUCKS

oh

oh no

ALMOST HEAVEN

WEST VIRGINIA

… fuck

LIFE IS OLD THERE

OLDER THAN THE TREES

“… singing?”

this sucks.

this sucks this sucks this sucks

MOUNTAIN MAMAAAAA

TAKE ME HOOOOME

COUNTRY ROOOADDSSSSS

*THUNK*

and he even took off his glasses before he hit him, he had his end coming towards him and he was still a gentleman

TAKE ME HOOOME

COUNTRY RROOOOAAAADDDSSSSS

his EYES AT THE END

FUCK

… okay i had to get up and go for a lil’ walk

anyway

(and again, roanoke canon, fucking fixing’ shit left and right, because we’re the goat)

harry and eggsy look MURDEREROUS

MERLIN SAID KNOCK YOU OUT

it DID make the grand ending fun action scene a lot more satisfying

because like, without merlin there, that means harry and eggsy get to go full feral

poppy you big idiot you just robbed them of all their motivation to show any kind of restraint and now everybody’s gonna get blown up

except for those dudes who get kicked by elton john

which would be an HONOR first of all

(the part where eggsy’s using his gun and shield vaguely reminds me of the specialist, @bloodofthepen​)

and harry and eggsy just—they’re drift compatible! that’s it! the teamwork! the grace! the flow! my god!

eggsy vs. charlie: round like 4 if you count the first movie

it was also satisfying to see charlie’s new arm in action

we love fun robotics and gadgetry in this house

colin firth is really just not afraid to throw himself full force down a bowling lane huh

ugh, seeing charlie slam eggsy over and over again makes my chest hurt

the sound mixing on all these films is top notch which isn’t always a good thing T.T

ROCKETMAN~~~

that shit will never NOT be funny

a wild elton john appeared!

eggsy is indestructible, he can walk off anything

but charlie, charlie i feel really sorry for, imagine being attacked by a superior version of your own limb, i.e. something that you can’t exactly quickly remove from yourself, that would be TERRIFYING

harry + elton = dream teaaaammmm

“darling if you save the world, you can have a backstage pass.”

i love you elton john :(

i would have been the most OBNOXIOUS hype man in the background of the entire kingsman vs. poppy land face-off

“let’s make this fair.” eggsy you’re fuckin’ cheeky

and poor harry, all that lank just getting tossed like noodles

i thought the robot puppers were very cool

“for the record charlie i’m more of a gentleman than you’ll ever be.”

mmmmmm do NOT like this death for charlie

SUPER glad we fixed it

and another scene where i can’t stand the sound mixing T.T it makes me cringe every time

“i don’t consider genocide especially lady-like.”

and are we gonna talk about how merlin knew how to make heroin?

… no?

nobody wanna talk about that?

ugh that houndstooth dress is so PRETTY though

high!poppy is weirdly comedic for all of two seconds and then it stops being funny real fast

whiskey D:<

this is so dumb

this is all so, so dumb

“our agencies were founded to uphold peace, to protect the innocent—“

there’s that nobility again

is what happened to whiskey fucked up, yes

i’m not saying we have to completely remove that from his story

i just

literally anything but this would have been preferable

and then HOT DOG it’s one of my favorite shots in the movie with the whip where harry’s just chucking it away from his face like a bamf, YES

how great is this cover, let’s be honest

like, i’d be lying if i said i didn’t enjoy this scene visually

plus

HARRY GETTING PEGGED RIGHT IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN

gracious

it’s one fluid tracking shot, so kinda in alignmentment with what we’re used to

some people get annoyed with repeated junk but when you can do it THIS WELL you can get away with anything

D:

but then jack

you did NOT desert that

yes, you were in dire need of an attitude adjustment but jesus

“this is for you, merlin.”

/ugly sobbing/

and tilde is all betterrrrrr ;-;

you guys did itttttt

COUNTRY ROOOAAADDSS

TAKE ME HOOOOOOMMEEEE

TO THE PLAAAAAACCCEEEEE

I BELOOOOONNGGGG

and the scene with jamal and liam T.T #wholesomecontent

poor tequila, after i knew that you would have a bigger role in another movie, i was less annoyed by the fact that they iced you so quick into the story

#FOX2020

“… now we’re brothers, working side by side.”

spoiler alert i actually love champ’s toast

“y’all shittin’ in high cotton now” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

and ginger becomes the new whiskey like she always wanted T.T

merlin is proud from heaven (or london, depending on which canon)

iiiiiii have mixed feelings about the whole wedding scene, which is probably because i take HUGE issue with the weird proposal ultimatum thing that happened earlier

but the way eggsy says “not a doubt in my mind,” he says it so seriously and i remember that tilde almost died

there was such good intention packed into this couple that was so badly written that i just

augh

“but it is perhaps the end of the beginning.”

there’s ***merlin! lmao i see you dude, they did you dirty

look

i was pissed off about a lot of things that happened in this thing but i was honestly hype seeing tequila at the very end walking into the tailor shop

like, yeah, i’ll stick around to see what happens in this universe but i’m gonna complain the whole time

GO JACK RABBIT

RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS

and again, i almost didn’t see this movie.

… i think about that morgan sometimes.

hope she’s doin’ okay.

…

she’s probably not. D:

[smallcrystals]

The Little Things | FlashSpruce

there will probably be a lot of mistakes in here, such as errors about PE as well as some typos if I’m really that dumb, but y’know, just ignore them lmao

This is (shamelessly) inspired by a Taehyung & Jimin video (or better know as Vmin) that went around Twitter (I’ll post a picture below of the specific scene that sparked this) and I have no idea where this sudden thought of FlashSpruce doing this came from but here we are.

This won’t be part of the Shields & Leaves fic on AO3, though you can consider this in the same universe?? But yeah, this is a drabble, not a one-shot, keep that in mind haha.

Without any further ado, I hope you enjoy this! ♡

P.S. This is the picture I was talking about with Vmin, Taehyung is the black haired and Jimin is the blond :D

You’d think being outdoors for most of your life, you’d get used to the running around on hard and slippery surfaces, or that your muscles would’ve grown stronger. And it seems that way when you take a good look at Timber’s physique but apparently that’s not the case when he’s trying to fucking stretch his limbs.

Coach Spitfire demanded everyone go and warm up, do some stretches before going into basketball. After sprinting across one end of the field to the other three times, Timber took a couple of lunges and stretched his arms. The first few were pretty simple to do, nothing really to complain about. But that wasn’t until he sat himself on the grass to stretch his leg and hip muscles.

There are quite a few things Timber will never admit to unless he’s held at knife point. And the fact he is not very flexible is one of those. (Another is that he doesn’t know batshit about basketball but he’s gonna pretend like he does. He’s totally not doing to impress someone else.) He strains his right calf over his left thigh, while keeping his left leg straight and a sting pierces his knee-pit.

Timber winces at the pain. This’ll be easy, she said, we’ll be fine, she said, he silently scowls. The tip of his right trainer is barely touching his inner left thigh and he immediately pulls back. It relaxes the sharp pain in his left leg, leaving a numb throb. He allows his upper body’s urge to collapse against the grass and he groans internally. Once he’s lying, still breathless from the sprinting and battling his lack of flexibility, he turns his head left and spots a certain blue haired eighteen-year-old from the very corner.

Flash is standing, legs more than shoulder width apart, and he’s gazing aimlessly up and around him as he lunges side to side. And Timber really shouldn’t be staring because he needs to get his ass up and finish stretching but, he can’t—okay, he can help it, he keeps telling himself that he can’t just so he can stare at his boyfriend.

It’s no surprise that Flash has always been a fucking gorgeous work of art to him. Even when he was focused on Twilight at the camp, he couldn’t help but let his eyes follow Flash every now and then. Sometimes he feels dumb that he didn’t go straight to Flash instead of waiting two fucking years to say something.

From that face of a model to those curves of his waist and hips, not to mention thighs of a motherfucking dancer. With those grey shorts that are half his thighs – and knowing Flash intentionally wore those this PE double period simply to spite him – he has to make sure his mind doesn’t drop somewhere it shouldn’t.

(And Timber fails that every single day. But Flash’s also as horny as Timber, so you can’t really blame him.)

Timber blinks out of his daydream when he hears another one of Spitfire’s raging rants from across the field – probably yelling at Snips and Snails for messing around again – and that’s when he realises how long he’s been staring. He pushes himself up, instantly crossing his legs and leaning against one arm. Timber sighs against his palm and huffs a few strands of hair that fell on his face out the way.

He feels a finger poke lightly at the back of his head and he jolts, instantly looking up at the boy. Flash looked down at him with that cute smile, that cute smile saved for him and him only. His hands slide down to Timber’s shoulders, massaging his thumbs tenderly into his back.

“What’s up?” Flash tilts his head, his hair a little disheveled from Rainbow Dash ruffling it against his will, and it just made him all the more cute. Which shouldn’t be possible but it is, and Timber isn’t complaining.

He smirks. “You.”

Flash rolls his eyes, slapping Timber’s exposed neck lightly. It causes little giggles to spill out of his mouth, and he knows Flash is biting his lip to prevent calling Timber adorable. Babe, just gimme the compliment, feed my praise kink. He watches Flash’s shadow squat down to his level, one hundred percent ignoring the feeling of Flash's muscular and thick thighs hugging his sides, and his arms slither around Timber’s middle.

“Aren’t you gonna stretch?” Flash asks.

Timber pulls the corner of his mouth into his cheek. “I was trying to but...” He cuts himself off, his shoulders tensing. He’s not gonna admit that he isn’t flexible out loud, nope, nada, never. Maybe in the bedroom, sure. But in front of the others, especially AJ who is only three feet away, I think fucking not.

“But...?” He teases in that tone.

“Nothing—I was gonna continue until you came along.”

“Really? I could’ve sworn I saw you lying down and ogling me a second ago.” Flash’s chin snuggles into the crook of Timber’s neck, the coolness of his head touching the blushing heat of his neck, and he feels Flash’s mouth twitch into a smile.

“I was taking a rest. And I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Flash stays silent for a bit after letting out a little chuckle at Timber’s antics, shifting his legs so he’s kneeling on the grass. A faint buzz of conversation around him tells him his classmates are still warming up, and that they hopefully won’t notice how touchy they’re being. Or he hopes they keep quiet if they do.

“Do you want me to help you?” Flash says, voice almost too low, the one that sends tingles down his spine. His strong hands are rubbing softly over Timber’s bare arms and, honestly, he really adores how well Flash managed to pick up all the small touches that make Timber feel more at ease. Just the little things he loves about him.

“Um…” Timber fiddles with his fingers that lay in the middle of his crossed legs. He thinks about it for a couple of seconds, weighing out the chances of bruising his big ass ego by his boyfriend to help him stretch his legs. It really doesn’t matter at this point, he concludes, so he hums a yes.

He’s not gonna lie, Timber could’ve just skipped this exercise and pretend he did it but he’s seen how obvious it is when someone hasn’t stretched their leg muscles. Either that or Timber’s been focusing way too much on his peers. Eh, doing the stretches is better than getting another scolding from Spitfire again.

He uncrosses his legs, pulling them back to the same position they were before, his hands pressing his left leg down by the knee. Flash’s arms come and wrap him, feeling Flash’s arm muscles against his.

“We’ll do it for five seconds, okay baby?” Flash whispers, leaning in to give him a kiss on his jaw.

The tips of Timber’s ears and his cheeks feel warm, almost burning if he’s being real. But it seems to cool down a little when Flash presses his cheek against his.

He reaches for Timber’s right leg, bringing it back and then Timber pulls his calf over his thigh. It only starts to sting at his knee but when Flash pushes his calf further over his thigh, the right side of his hip starts aching too. It’s easier to control when Flash is holding his calf from his right knee and his ankle instead of himself, because he knew the second his sensitive ass body started hurting, he’d give up. Timber holds his head down, squeezing his eyes a bit as Flash helps him hold the stretch for five seconds.

Once they’re over, Timber lets out a heavy sigh of relief. And it soon washes off when he realises he needs to do his other leg too. He huffs and mumbles curses under his breath. Flash giggles quietly at Timber’s childish behaviour and he sweetly takes the time to massage his thighs to rid the pain.

While his hands are there, Timber glances over at his own as well. They both have big hands, Timber’s being a little larger than Flash’s, yet if there’s one thing he envies about his boyfriend is that Flash’s hands are perfect. No arguments had. From the neatly cut fingernails to the soft and defined knuckles—yes, he may also have a hand kink for Flash, leave him alone.

They get onto the other leg relatively quickly, the pain on the opposite side of him weighs out the previous once he’s actually stretching. A whine spills out of Timber’s lips when the sting grows harsher and Flash immediately lets go. He managed to see the look of concern on Flash’s face, because Timber let out that whine, and he leaps up to peck his lips, letting him know it’s okay.

Flash helps him up and the boy uses a little too much strength for his own good, causing Timber to tip over him. They giggle, hands too touchy for decency’s sake, and Timber leans in to nudge his nose against Flash’s.

It’s when they share one open-mouth kiss when Spitfire calls on them.

“Sentry!” The boys jump at the raspy voice of their coach, fingers still intertwined with the other’s. “You and your boyfriend are cute and all but can you stop being a couple and get over here?”

Timber tsks under his breath so only Flash can hear him. “Homophobe.” He rolls his eyes and receives a playful smack on the chest. With now one hand holding onto his, Flash drags him along to the crowd of students.

“And Spruce, I better not see you gawking at your boyfriend’s ass,” Spitfire says and a few knowingly laughs arise from their classmates.

“But it’s not my fault my boyfriend is the only one who doesn’t have a flat—”

Flash shoves him hard before he has a chance to finish that sentence.

[unharmeddrudge]

Staying Up Late

A short story for an RP I’m writing with a friend. Besides writing well, they’re also an amazing artist. I, being unable to draw, have opted to just write a lot. I also need to write more as practice. Thus, this. Nothing heavy, just a domestic fluff for fun.

For context: The Soyuzi are a race of Russian space lizard people. Vokachaian is a human ethnicity. 

The house is quiet. The TV is off, it’s dark out, and no one has entered or left all day. A faint chill gives the house a temperature that makes blankets quite comfortable. The only significant sound comes from the mechanical clock on the wall.

“Drew, it’s almost eleven o’clock.”

“I know, I know, let me… let me just wrap this up. I’m almost done—you go to bed first.”

The half-Soyuzi eyes the translator carefully from a short distance, across the great peaks and valleys of books and papers surrounding the Vokachaian. He isn’t willing to tread that field just yet. It looks as though a printing shop had exploded, with the boy at its epicenter.

“You say that, but…”

“The longer you talk,” the Vokachaian snaps, refusing to look up from his book, “the longer this will take. Just go already.”

The corner of Sasha’s lips twitch irritably. “Fine. Ten minutes, hurry up,” he says, stomping off to the bedroom in a huff.

Lately, Drew had been pushing their regular ten o’clock schedule to unacceptable limits. He’d been too engrossed in the translation of some damn books, enough to make it feel like he was ignoring Sasha. As much as the half-Soyuzi enjoys watching Drew’s passions stir into a fever (especially at night, in bed), he knows all too well that this sort of behavior is a bad habit that only ends up with a sleep-deprived Vokachaian, and possibly also a sick one.

Sasha falls onto the bed. He can lie there as comfortably as he wants, but in the end, he just can’t fucking sleep. Not without him. The room is cold, as Drew always likes it, but it’s uncomfortable to be alone in. The still and quiet chill is so lonely. He stares at the ceiling for a while, complaining about Drew’s slightly workaholic tendencies, among his other faults. In it, though, he remembers some advice his sister-in-law once gave him.

“When he starts to work instead of sleeping, he’s probably upset about something,” Emily had said one night at the Yodrezhka family household having dinner. Drew had left briefly to buy dessert with his mother. “Trust me, I’ve seen it a thousand times. He did for a few days one time when the kids were bullying him at school, making him buy lunch for them.” She sat back, locking her fingers together and turning them outward to crack her knuckles. “Slept fine soon as I dealt with ‘em, heh.” She smiles, confidently throwing her hair back and examining her fingernails. “He’d done it another time when his last boyfriend broke up with him. He’d lent a book to the guy—never got it back, actually.”

Sasha listened amusedly to the bold young girl. He liked her style. “Huh. Yeah, I think word boy’s done that once or twice, I’m pretty sure. Thought he was just a workaholic.”

“Nah, that boy loves to sleep. There’s always something else. Something’ll be bothering him. Though, I guess work could bother him, too.”

“I see… Good to know, little tiger. But how will I… y’know, fix him?” Sasha grinned, waving a hand in the air.

“Well, look, he’s not one to share his problems so easily. I had my way, and it involved locking the room and playing Jamie Lockensteiner until he fessed up. He hated that stuff,” she smiled back.

“Oh, you’re a cruel sister. His music is terrible.”

“Hey, watch it. He was on the top 20 list in 3284, so obviously, you’re wrong,” she pointed threateningly at him. “Anyway, I suggest a slightly different tactic for you. If he ever gets like that: first, pull him outta work. I mean, really pull him out. Make him forget it exists for a moment. By, heh heh, you know—” She elbows the man suggestively, making a ring in one hand and poking the index finger of the other hand through, “—any means necessary… but just before you get down to the nitty-gritty—deny him! Surprise him with questions, make him talk. Hold your ground, and don’t give him anything until he spits it out.”

“I feel like you been reading too many—what’s it called—’doujinshi’ lately, Emily.”

“No, trust me on this! You just gotta surprise him, and be firm about it. Works one-hundred percent of the time. Promise.”

Sasha takes a moment to pause and thoughtfully reflect on Emily’s advice, formulating a plan. She’s a bit of a perv, but she definitely has some good ideas.

He looks at the clock. It’d been eleven minutes already. Man, he’d been lenient with his time. How nice is that? He gets up and walks down the hall.

The translator hasn’t budged. His brows are deeply furrowed, brown eyes staring into a book, probably puzzling over something esoteric and profound. Maybe.

It won’t be easy to transverse the defensive obstacle course of new and ancient documents surrounding the male. Sasha had once tried to simply trample over them—he’d certainly gotten over, but it left him with a distinct bruise on his face and a pain in his groin, as well as the option of sleeping on the couch. Best to avoid that tonight.

Taking a detour, Sasha enters their small kitchen. Coming up with a plan as he went along, he opens a cabinet, finding a large can of Kharzakyt beans.

Perfect.

Returning to his spot across the paper moat in the living room, the half-Soyuzi squats, facing Drew, who appears to be ignoring him. Shitty brat. Opening the can, Sasha picks a bean out, and tosses it.

Drew doesn’t flinch.

Huh. He’s really committed to this, is he?

Sasha tosses another bean. It hits the side of Drew’s face, then falls onto his book.

Drew blinks, brushes the bean away, and continues reading. He picks up a pen, takes a note on a notebook to his right.

Sasha narrows his eyes at the translator, stubborn with a vain and futile resistance. He’ll break that. He grabs a couple more beans and throws them at his target.

Drew pauses in his notetaking, expressionless, as if physically stunned. He looks up slowly at the offender with a displeasure. “...Are those Kharzakyt beans?” he asks quietly.

Sasha answers with a smug grin. “Yah. Gonna do something about it?”

Drew just looks at him for a long moment. Agitated, likely, under that suppressed exterior. That smug motherfucker has no power over me, he thinks. After a while, he shakes his head slowly, and looks back at his book.

It’s too late, though. Sasha’s got Drew caught like a rabbit in a trap. He tosses another handful of beans.

The translator tries not to react. The Kharzakyt beans are making a mess.

The man tosses another handful. And another.

They’re starting to cover the books. The floor around the boy is almost totally hidden.

Finally, with a maniacal smile, Sasha stands, and fucking spikes a handful.

Holy shit. It stings. At his wit’s end, the Vokachaian stands and lunges across the papers and books, missing the half-Soyuzi as he backpedals.

Joyfully, Sasha continues tossing beans at the other while retreating backwards down the hall to the bedroom while Drew clumsily chases after him.

“Who do you think you are, you scaley bastard? I’ll skin you into a fucking wallet!” Drew growls, continually failing to grab the man as he is lured into the bedroom.

Sasha’s thrill ends as he trips onto the bed, where Drew is finally able to jump and grab him.

Sitting on the Soyuzi’s legs, Drew grabs the man's shirt collar and pulls him up close to his face. “You are an enormous pain in the ass,” he hisses.

In contrast to the incensed raven-haired mess, the brunet is barely managing to contain his laughter. He leans forward, capturing the angry lips with his own. He brings a hand up to stroke those tense cheeks with the back of his knuckles. Drew's hands move down to the other's shoulders. They break, with Drew pouting and Sasha smiling. “Oh, kotyenok, you only have self to blame. You make it so fun to mess with you!”

The translator's grimace never softens, though his face surely reddens. “You're a fuckin’ bully.” He grabs the wrist of the hand touching his face, then proceeds to push Sasha down until he's flat on his back, making out with him along the way.

Sasha lets it happen for a while. He's cute when he's all feisty like this! And it feels good, to boot. He doesn't need to put any work in. Drew's hands run through the brunet's hair and over his chest, while Sasha's hands travel across his partner's back and touch his neck, slyly reminding the boy of the many marks there.

Drew is very intense. Very touchy. Feeling around a lot. Quick to take off clothes, but not willing to part lips for very long. He seems desperate. Frantic, even. Like he's still distracting himself. Just like when he was working.

Damn. He’s just replaced with his books with Sasha. It’s no good.

By now, Drew has managed to remove the half-Soyuzi’s shirt and unbutton his own. It would probably be best to stop him now.

Groaning internally, Sasha pulled Drew’s face off his own, sighing. The Vokachaian tries to continue, but ends up simply furrowing his eyes at the other, confused. Soon enough, the taller man grabs the shorter’s hands before flipping their positions around. Drew gets plopped onto his back, hands caught above his head, with Sasha between his legs, leaning over him.

“Okay, enough of that, Dryushka. Gotta talk,” he grumbles reluctantly. Personally, he’s not too happy about stopping, but he knows it’s the quote-unquote “Right Thing to Do.”

“Hey, what the—let go of me,” the Vokachaian whines, trying fruitlessly to free his hands and reach downwards. He’s way too weak, though.

“Come on, shortstack. Hold still. Let’s use our words, yeah?”

Drew stares in confusion at the other for a moment. “...H-huh? Fuck that, I don’t got anything to say. Take off your pants.”

“Not like that, word boy. “You have been skipping bed-time, and you look like you’re trying to ignore me. Is not okay. If something is the matter, you need to tell me.”

“Fuck you.”

“I think you have this backwards.”

“—Fuck me.”

“Right, but no.”

“I—ugh! Why are you so difficult?!” Drew squirms around a bit in another attempt to get free, before deciding to wrap his legs around Sasha’s hips. If he isn’t going to get free, his making the most of where he is right now. “What do you want from me?”

Oh, this cheeky bastard. He’s got some nerve. This is a rather precarious new adjustment, but Sasha isn’t letting up. “L-like… Like I said. I know something is bothering you—spit it out.”

Even in the cold darkness, the Vokachaian’s deepening flush is pretty obvious. “Wh-what? No, you’re… you’re mistaken. Misinterpreting. I’m fine. Let me go.”

Sasha just laughs. “No way. I don’t believe you. Ever heard of… ah… communication? We’re doing that. Now.” He punctuates himself with a prick on the neck with teeth. “So… How was day?”

Drew sucks in air through his teeth, turning away. He doesn’t have to answer a dumb question like this.

The brunet sighs against his partner’s neck. So much trouble. “I thought we’ already worked this whole ‘talking’ thing out.”

The captive Vokachaian doesn’t even squeak.

“Come on, kotyenok. At least look at me.”

He doesn’t budge.

It’s starting to get frustrating. They should be able to talk now! What could possibly be so troubling? So embarrassing?

“Say something, Drew. Honestly—there is no one else here, so whatever it is… you can tell me,” he coaxes in a firm, slightly impatient, yet reassuring voice. “Just tell me.”

Silence. Cold and hard silence with unhappy lips pressed firmly closed.

Sasha shakes his head. He might just have to give up. Can’t force anything.

“...’s stupid…”

“Huh?” The brunet’s eyes widen. The boy has spoken.

“I said it’s dumb… Don’t worry about it…” Drew still won’t look Sasha in the eye, but he’s certainly finding the blank darkness around them quite entertaining.

Sasha smiles once again, bringing their foreheads close together. “Why are you so embarrassed? If it bothers you so much, I have to care about it.”

“I told you it doesn’t matter.”

“It does!” Sasha exclaims, releasing Drew’s hands to embrace his torso. The freed hands end up on Sasha’s back. "You just don’t want to tell me because you’re afraid I’ll make fun of you.”

“Won’t you?” Drew mutters, looking wistfully out the window.

“I will. But it’ll be good for you.”

They lie like that for a while. It’s warm and comfortable, at least. The cold air lets them enjoy each other’s heat without getting all sweaty, though they still got sweaty for other reasons.

Finally, Drew sighs, looking down at the half-Soyuzi. “Alright, alright…” He looks very cute and flustered from this angle. “There was… a book at the convention last week. I wanted it, but I couldn’t afford it. Someone else took it… and… yeah.”

Sasha laughs quietly running a hand through the other’s messy black hair. “Oh, you poor, entitled brat, you. Now was that so hard?”

“It was, and my life has depreciated because of it,” he mutters, pouting. “This is why I didn’t care to tell you, you piece of shit.”

“Oh, but it meant so much to you! All week long… It’s okay Drew. I guess I feel sorry for you.” Sasha rises once more, giving Drew a kiss as a reward for his honesty and bravery. “And look, see—I’ll make you feel better.”

“As if. I’m not in the mood anymo-more—” Drew says before a shiver from Sasha’s touch cuts him off. “...Oh, h-holy shit, I guess I am.”