#mr turkentine

[brbuttons]

Have some Turkentines. Because his face is really fun to draw.

[bunnyonacupcake]

Here, have some writing!

This is a little mini fic I wrote a while ago Class Wars, an AU @brbuttons has within the Factory Rejects verse.

Behold, a story about Miranda Mary Piker. Daughter of the Headmaster and her teachers biggest fan. Well, until she starts to visit Bills candy shop and he reminds her she’s only 12. She’s allowed to be a kid. This here fic handles the fallout.

——

All good things must come to an end. Miranda knows this, though, she’d foolishly and ignorantly hoped it wouldn’t end so soon. It’s Friday morning as she hurriedly sweeps water over her frizzed braids, slipping her Mary Janes on as she snatches her bag and scurries out the door. Her parents as always work early, so early as to leave little Miss Piker home alone in the mornings to get off to school on her own. Normally, she leaves early enough to prowl the hallways as their unofficial hall monitor. These past few weeks however, she’s been indulging in that extra half hour of sleep Bill encouraged her to take advantage of.

“You can’t burn the candle at both ends and expect it to last long,” He’d said sagely, setting down a peppermint stick on the counter and sliding it over to her. Miranda had scoffed and adjusted her glasses but silently took the peppermint stick. He had a point. Always did.

Miranda practically skips up the steps to the school doors, slipping inside and hurrying off down the semi crowded hallways towards the pristine classroom door neatly labeled 7S. Normally, she’s the first one in, standing near the door as some mock sentry, adjusting her glasses and crowing Pratt based propaganda.

Today, the only sentry is Pratt himself.

Miranda feels something wrong the minute she’s in front of him. His neutral resting face is usually something resembling smugness or casual disinterest. Today, he stands with arms crossed, glowering. Miranda grips the straps of her school bag tightly. “Good Morning Misther Pratt.” She says obediently, staring up at him. His glowering does not falter as he looks at her, does not break out into that fake, perfect smile he usually gives her. “Miss Piker.” He says simply. He generally only uses their names if they’re in trouble. Miranda gulps.

“Come inside. I fear we have some unfortunate news to discuss. Don’t we?” He says, stepping aside. The hair on the back of her arms stands to attention as she follows his instructions, trying desperately to think what she’s done wrong. She’s done plenty wrong, she knows that, but she’s been so careful. Her parents haven’t heard any news of her spending time outside of school, her grades haven’t slipped, she’s brushed her teeth twice after every night of sneaking sweets-

Every seat is full except for her usual spot in the middle of the front row. She steps towards her desk to set down her things but Pratt clicks his tongue. She knows his little quirks well and freezes in place. Slowly sets her backpack onto the floor. Slowly turns around as Pratt closes the door. He folds his hands behind his back and strolls over to the front of the room, tutting and shaking his head. “Miranda Mary Piker. Grade A student, top of the class… beating out Gabriel Carver for the final seat in class 7S by mere points. By all intents and purposes a picture perfect student. A winner.” He says, staring down at her. Miranda instinctively folds her hands obediently in front of her, now painfully aware of every wrinkle and stray hair in her appearance. 7S children are supposed to be pristine. Perfect. Pratt sniffs and reaches behind him to take up the infamous conductor's baton that rests on the chalkboard ledge. He looks out at the rest of the children, sitting obediently in their seats. His scowl turns to a smirk.

He slowly starts to tap a rhythm onto his palm with the baton.

“And yet… recent events have proven otherwise. I have reason to suspect you, Miss Piker, have been colluding with the enemy. With Turkentine.” He says and the accusation causes a gasp to ring out across the classroom. A flush starts to creep up Miranda’s neck. She opens her mouth to defend herself but is quickly silenced with a look, Pratt slapping the baton onto the desk with a quick ‘thwap’.

“Should anyone have come to me with this information, why, I would have found it preposterous,” He says, now turning to address the room, “Insanity! But I have seen, with my own eyes, Miranda Mary Piker at the sweet shop in town. Not only engaging with its owner and Turkentine but even eating candy.” He says, his emphasis on the last few words making it sound like a criminal offense. It might as well be one in Pratt's class.

“Miss Piker, you wouldn’t happen to remember what my first words were to you all as a class?”

Miranda didn’t cry. She never cried. But being humiliated in front of the class, stared at… She feels the back of her throat tightening up.

“Um. You are our god, our… Our leader and our savior.” She says slowly, trying to take a deep breath.

Pratt purses his lips and tilts his head, feigning confusion. “No, I don’t think that’s quite right. I believe I said… Messiah. I am your messiah. Can you say that, Miss Piker?”

Miranda’s face burns. “You… are our… Methhhiah.” She mumbles quietly. Her lisp turns the word into a jumble of ‘th’ and hard ‘s’ sounds. Pratt's face contorts into a wicked smile she’s used to seeing, but never aimed at her.

“What was that, child? Say it louder.”

“Mesthiah…”

“Louder.”

“Mesthhhiah.”

The room is silent except for her and Pratt, as she tries her best to look obediently up at him. Hold eye contact Miranda. Winners don’t cry.

Pratt sniffs disinterestedly and scans the classroom once again. The faces he sees must look sufficiently scared into submission because he turns to Miranda once again. “I must remind you child that in 7S, we are here to build winners. Winners are not born. Winning is achieved through hard, diligent work.” He says. He uses one finger to push his glasses up on his nose.

“Hands on the desk.”

The air feels like it’s sucked out of the room as every child gasps and holds their breath. Hands on the desk to receive a smack is standard punishment, especially in 7S. But not once, not ever, has it been Miranda.

“No- shir, please I can explain!” She tries but flinches as he snaps his head towards her, eyes glinting behind his frames.

“I won’t tell you again child. Hands. On. The desk.” He says. His voice is cold like steel and as Miranda approaches and tries not to shiver. She puts her hands on the desk, palms up. She wants to close her eyes and hide away from it all but she knows she’s to keep her eyes open and watch. So she does.

Pratt whips his conductors baton down onto her open palms, hard. Despite her best efforts, a whimper escapes her trembling lips even as she tries to calm herself. It stings like hell and will surely bruise she thinks to herself as he whips it down again. Then a third time. Tears sting her eyes but he pulls away and sets the baton back onto the chalkboards ledge. “To your seat, Piker. Let that be a reminder of what happens when you lose focus in 7S.” He says stiffly.

Miranda nods quickly, taking a shaky breath. “Yes shir. It won’t happen again.”

“Good. Now, everyone, let’s open our arithmetic books to page-“

Class passes by torturously slow. Half of the class looks at her with smug looks and the other half regards her with pity. Miranda can’t tell which she hates more. When the bell rings for lunch Miranda knows the first thing she should do is study like usual. Get cracking on her homework, forget these notions of rest, disregard her newly found routine of going out to have lunch.. Yet her feet carry her as fast as she can to the now familiar facade of Bill’s candy shop where she shoulders open the door and stares at the kindly gentleman behind the counter. He turns with that soft familiar smile that turns to a face of concern as soon as he sees Miranda's distress. “Hey now,” He says with such genuine softness it brings tears to Miranda’s eyes, “What’s going on?”

It takes a lot of deep breaths, soothing words and a peppermint stick to finally get Miranda to talk. As she does the tall girl slumps in on herself and mumbles, tucking her hands under her arms to hide evidence of her supposed failures, her usual confidence gone. When she’s done she looks up at Bill again, tears shining behind her thick glasses. He stands before her covering his mouth with one hand with a look of horror and pity.

The bell rings behind her. Miranda tenses at the sudden noise while Bill relaxes at the sight of whoevers walks in. “Mr. Turkentine.” He breathes and closes his open hand into a fist, pressing it against his mouth. Miranda jerks up and nearly chokes on her candy. “I have to go.” She says quickly, slipping off her stool. “I can’t let anyone from class see me here again! I’m already in trouble and if my parents found out, oh god-” She starts to ramble. Scrambling to gather her bag, she pauses when Bill clears his throat. “Miranda.” He says carefully.

“Show him what’s happened.” Miranda swallows and turns to face Turkentine who stands at the doorway, face screwed up with confusion at the conversation he has clearly missed. She takes a breath then holds out her hands, palm up to reveal the thin and tender line of bruising. David moves closer, dropping his bag and kneeling to meet her height.

“Christ. What did you do to get this?” He mutters.

“That’s from Mr. Pratt. He did that as punishment for talking to you.” Bill says. His usually gentle voice has an edge of hardness to it. The idea of anyone hitting a child is despicable, let alone hitting a child as punishment for talking to another person. Turkentine blinks twice at her hands. Then he looks up at Miranda in disbelief. “He did this, for talking to me?” He asks.

Miranda nods silently. He looks to Bill behind the counter.

Turkentine clenches his jaw before standing and snatching his bag back up. He turns on his heel and marches for the door. “Wait! Where are you going?” Miranda cries, running after him.

He pauses with his hand on the handle as he turns to look at her.

“I’m going to have a talk with Mr. Twat.”

[fandomlife-confessions]

[would-hannibal-eat-them]

[2xplusungood]

Gene Wilder gets a lot of credit for portraying Willy Wonka as insane but just about everyone in that movie was completely unhinged

Like even just ignoring the one off gag characters that show how crazy the public is going crazy over the contest you have:

The tinkered walking up to some random kid with a cart full of knives to quote the poem "the fairies" in the most threatening way possible

Mr. Turkentine giving a very questionable lecture about mixing nitric acid, glycerine and a "special mixture of his own" to make a wart remover" and making nitroglycerin in the middle of a crowded classroom, moving the end of week test to Monday "before we've learned it" and refusing to even try to solve 2/1000

Augustus Gloops father straight up eating a microphone in the greatest power move in news interview history

Mike Teevees father saying he's willing to buy Mike a gun when he turns 12

Literally everything Veruca Salt does and says

Wonka: "Don't touch ANYTHING in here" *everyone immediately starts touching everything*

Violets father helping her reach her hand into an active tomato crusher, and then violet grabbing the gum after watching Mike Teevee almost fucking die from eating a random piece of candy

It's great becuase no matter how fucking bonkers Wonka is and how obviously dangerous his factory is, everyone else is just so fucking stupid you it's hard to tell who's fault it actually is when a kid gets bumped off which I feel was kind of lost in thr Johnny Depp version

[amythegloriouspond]

[groovyinfj]

okay but

WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT THE TEACHER FROM WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY THESE ARE LITERALLY HIS LINES

keep doing what you're doing mr. turkentine

[nalascat]

yall better join my catcf discord. we have stuff like. factory mayhem. and a mr. turkentine fanclub. we have dumb ships like. teaveetine.

we are powerful.

please.

[bunnyplots]

Finally rewatched Willy Wonka and my new appreciation thoughts have arrived.

1. Mr. Turkentine is how I feel Snape should have been. Arrogant, silly, loud, a little overconfident, and actually in love with teaching even though he's kind of a hard ass sometimes. This is coming from an ex Snape fangirl for reference.

1a. He's still one of my favorite characters.

1b. I may write a crossover fic, who knows?

2. Charlie's boss is amazing. Why can't more bosses be like him?

3. The candy man at the beginning is definitely banging Wonka. He knew about the edible dishes. That's all the evidence I need I will not be taking questions at this time.

3. Grandma Josephine is delightful and a treasure and I think once she moved into the factory she knitted Wonka a sweater.

4. I still have crushes on lots of people in this movie to this day. We all know about Gene but the candy man from the beginning, the rich lady who didn't want to pay her husband's ransom with Wonka bars, and several others have always made the cut too.

5. Machine to win the golden tickets man is, and will always be annoying af.

6. My favorite Oompa Loompa has not changed. He's the tall slender one, with way more emotion than most of them.

7. Julie Dawn Cole was the perfect choice for Veruca. She fucking nailed the part of the spoiled brat and had amazing stage presence.

8. Was Wonka alerted to Charlie and Grandpa Joe's transgression with the fizzy lifting drinks or did he make an educated guess when they showed up late to the goose room? Additionally, was he happy because they figured out the burp thing, and that added to his "test"?

8a. I now understand why Grandpa Joe said "sorry I asked" after Wonka tells him about all the sodas being used as fuel in the Wonkamobile. He and Charlie just narrowly escaped being killed by the fan after the fizzy lifting drinks, and the explanation of the carbonated soda having fuel power landed a little too close to home.

8b. Was this a small hint on Wonka's part that he knew about the fizzy lifting drinks?

9. Wilder nailed Wonka from the book far better than Depp. He was well spoken, weird af, a little mad, unpredictable, sarcastic without being childish, and joyful in his chosen profession.

9a. I don't like the book overly well. It's kinda cute, but for the most part Dahl's bigotry was showcased more than the story by his literary choices. The 71 movie helped get rid of a lot of that.

10. I still don't really care about what happens to the kids. I know everyone wants some sort of woke analysis of the movie along the lines of "Wonka's a villain and serial killer at worst, irresponsible and mean at best" but I Just. Don't. Care. Fuck off if you want to come on here and rant about that.

11. My avoidance of life with Gene Wilder fangirling is strengthened by watching this tonight. My crush is fortified. I will die an old man crushing on Gene Wilder and singing Pure Imagination. Fight me.

[cornbread-but-cringey]

no-one:

the weirdo that designed edgenuity for some reason:

[ID: two screenshots from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, over the course of which, Mr. Turkentine says "I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it." end ID]

[ashdraven42]

Possibly the greatest teacher in the history of cinema! Don’t lie. If Mr. Turkentine was our teacher in high school we ALL would have paid far more attention to learning how PI works. (via Custom Image)

[brbuttons]

WW&tCF (ft. Matilda) - FR: Class War - 'Revolting'

'The children could only take so much pressure, so much discipline. And now, as they sang and tore up his classroom, Mr. Pratt could only stare to the horror at the front of the class: Miranda, his prize student, his teacher's pet, leading the charge from the heights of his desk... And bloody Turkentine below her, with the biggest shit-eating smirk he's ever seen.'

Okay, so some context under the cut:

a roleplay started with @bunnyonacupcake lead to a side-story post-factory (same verse as Factory Rejects) that follows Turkentine's class and its ongoing rivalry with the Class for Excellence. Said class is lead by Mr. Pratt, who is the most pretentious, deplorable, winning-obsessed man you'll ever meet. He's looks and sounds like Matt Berry if Matt Berry were a John Lennon kinnie, and holds his students to the highest standards that they've all become either snobby-nosed know-it-alls, or nervous wrecks.

One of those, is an AU of @bunnyonacupcake's Miranda Mary Piker. This little school-obsessed boffin is Pratt's parrot, watchdog, and star student. But over time, with influence from others (and some visits to Bill's shop), she eventually starts to see that maybe there's more to life than just studying and rules.

And so, I was listening to 'Revolting Children' from Matilda...

Thus came this little moment, when everything comes to a finalé.

[ericstefani]

Salt and Willy Wonka in Golden Goose

.Salt: “Where did she go” Wonka: “To the garbage” Salt: “Where does that lead to” Wonka: “To the furnace.” “Willy Wonka the Animated Cartoon” Eric Stefani

[thesublemon]

willy wonka and the inventor mindset

roald dahl’s books, as fondly as i feel about them, have a habit of conflating good and evil with being good or bad at appreciating aesthetic things—just a bit too much.* what i like about charlie and the chocolate factory, but even more so about willy wonka and the chocolate factory (the 1971 movie adaptation) is that it gets much more specific about what exactly it thinks aesthetic appreciation does and doesn’t look like. so you have wonka, who is a kind of “perfect” creator. and you have charlie, who is a “perfect” consumer. and then you have this whole cast of characters that get taxonomized by their ability to appreciate wonka’s inventions.

*(matilda in matilda and charlie in charlie and the chocolate factory are both good-hearted children, mistreated and deprived by a world of tv-watching, cake-gorging philistines. the foxes in the fantastic mr. fox are starved by evil farmers, so they steal chicken and ham to have an enormous banquet. the big friendly giant in the bfg is tragically forced to subsist on the awful snozzcumber, but gets triumphantly served a delicious breakfast at the end. hell, james lives in a giant peach. we know the witches in the witches are evil because they do perverse things to food, eating pea soup and plotting to lace the candies in sweet shops with poison. the villains in his stories are, without fail, the greedy, small-minded and gluttonous. sensitive appreciators versus abusive authority.)

the “bad” young people, for example, consume unthinkingly, with the entitlement of never having been denied anything. the “bad” middle generation is too preoccupied with image and success to care about appreciation (the overworked parents). and the oldest generation is complacent and isolated (the bedbound grandparents). by contrast, the “good” young person (charlie) savors his chocolate. the “good” middle person, wonka, is a workaholic in the service of something beautiful. and the “good” older person, joe, has a flexible mind still capable of childlike wonder. (all present-day jokes about what a jackass joe actually is aside)

in willy wonka the people who are bad at art constantly attempt to prove their expertise, except their boasting only reveals how much they care about the wrong or trivial things. their motivations are egoistic. so on the surface, someone like violet “loves” gum, is always talking about the properties of gum—flavor, how long it lasts—but what she really wants is to be the authority of gum. when wonka tries to warn violet away from his experimental gum, she declares: “so long as it’s gum, then that’s for me.” and proceeds to authoritatively narrate her own transformation into a human blueberry.

some more ways that ego interferes with appreciation:

1. confident wrongness

WONKA: Now, don't get overexcited!  Don't lose your head, Augustus!  We wouldn't want anyone to lose that!  Yet.  Now, the combination . . . This is a musical lock.  (He plays the opening to Mozart's "Marriage of Figaro.")

MRS. TEEVEE (decisively): Rachmaninoff.

2. irrelevant boasting

WONKA:  My dear Veruca, what a pleasure.  And how pretty you look in that lovely mink coat.

VERUCA: I've got three others at home.

3. cruelty or evasion in order to preserve authority

MR. TURKENTINE: What do you think [this chemical mixture] makes?

CHARLIE: I don't know, sir.

MR. TURKENTINE: Of course you don't know.  You don't know because only I know.  If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you.  And for a student to teach his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do I make myself clear?

CHARLIE: Yes, sir.

4. treating the unknown as “weird” or “disgusting” or trivial

MIKE: Boy, what weird looking coat hangers.

_

MR. SALT: What is this, Wonka?  Some kind of fun house?

_

MRS. GLOOP: What a disgusting, dirty river.

MR. SALT: It's industrial waste, that.  You've ruined your watershed, Wonka.  It's polluted.

WONKA: It's chocolate.

VERUCA: That's chocolate?!?

CHARLIE: That's chocolate.

VIOLET: A chocolate river.

GRANDPA JOE: That's the most fantastic thing I've ever seen.

what’s peculiar about willy wonka is that superficially, wonka himself is quite egoistic. he’s obscure, and glib, and his teasing would be nearly cruel if the people were capable of detecting that he was teasing. this is a very different quality for a “good” authority figure in a dahl story to have. wonka does not have the motherly kindness of miss honey or the grandmother in the witches. i would call the book wonka impish, but the movie one is downright trollish. i’m not even sure if dahl would endorse him.

compare this wonka exchange with the one charlie had with his chemistry teacher:

WONKA: (as he mixes a concoction) Invention, my dear friends, is ninety-three percent perspiration, . . . six percent electricity, . . . four percent evaporation, . . . and two percent butterscotch ripple.  

(He tastes.)

MRS. TEEVEE: That's a hundred and five percent!

MR. SALT: Any good?

wonka is being undeniably evasive. he doesn’t expect the people to understand his process, and so he doesn’t share it. he doesn’t even bother to have patience. but unlike the chemistry teacher’s evasion, which is a wall that you can breach with flattery or obedience (ego things), wonka’s acts as a kind of filter. the right person will notice that wonka’s flippancy is the real explanation of his invention process. he is saying: the specifics of this experiment do probably matter, but actually telling you the specifics would just lead you to cargo cult the wrong things (imagine: people writing in moleskines because hemingway did), but here is the attitude that helps me discover the right process. he is saying: if you can think in this magical, imaginative, irreverent way that values beautiful things, you can probably make beautiful things too. people who are good at art, who are good at inventing, are often characterized by this kind of disguised dismissal. that quality that says, simultaneously: “you don’t deserve my seriousness yet” and “but i am giving you an invitation to play.” people that are cargo-culting the impatience of the competent do not leave these sorts of openings. they have no desire to be actually understood because if they were understood it would be clear that their motivations had to do with ego and not making something good.

the utter disappointingness of most of the golden ticket winners makes wonka’s impatience sympathetic. it’s understandable. but i wouldn’t say that the movie advocates it, exactly, and i wouldn’t say that i do either. it’s a side-effect of the good thing, but meanness is not itself the good thing. i say this because the end of the movie strikes an interestingly upsetting emotional tone. wonka yells at charlie, and it hurts because we know that charlie is good, and wonka is supposed to recognize that. his impatience was only supposed to be for people who don’t get it, not charlie. what good is wonka’s filter if even charlie wouldn’t make it through? and if wonka values joy and whimsy so much, why would he be bothered by charlie playing with the fizzy lifting drinks? but wonka is surrounded by half objects during this scene—half a clock, half a cup, half a hat—and we understand that wonka is just half-done person himself. imperfect, not magic, and lashing out because a boy he was hopeful about disappointed him (about the gobstopper, to be clear, not the fizzy lifting drinks). it complicates the bichromatic morality of dahl’s books, in other words, while still nakedly valuing the sincere appreciation of beautiful things. 

(EDIT: i was talking to my brother and he/we had the additional insight that wonka being disappointing to charlie and/or the audience conveys the idea that being disappointed in your idols--the way wonka is disappointed in everyone else--is a key, painful process of developing your own artistic attitude. maybe you don’t even feel disappointed, but simply aware that the idol cares about something you don’t, or in a way that you think is wrong. and you feel motivated to improve on them.)

[bishoujomichiko]

YOI Willy Wonka AU

*because this has been in my head for so long now.

•••

Yuuri Bucket, a kind and good natured young boy, lived a very poor life with his family, helping his mother take care of his grandparents. Yuuri always tried his best to stay strong and keep a smile on his face, but life and the future looked so bleak. One day, it was announced that the world renowned Viktor Vonka chocolate factory, was releasing 5 golden tickets to the masses. With this ticket, the person would be invited to and given a tour of the super exclusive factory! Yuuri hadn't wanted anything so badly in his entire life. Never had he imagined that he would actually find one-but with a stroke of luck, Yuuri Bucket found a golden ticket! With his Aunt Minako, he sets off with four other (very naughty) children, to enter the mysterious Vonka chocolate factory.

Character mashups:

Yuuri Katsuki as Charlie Bucket (Yuuri Bucket)

Minako Okukawa as Grandpa Joe (she’s an aunt in this AU because I feel like she’d be pissed if she was that old lol)

Viktor Nikiforov as Willy Wonka (Viktor Vonka lmfao)

Yuri Plisetsky as Veruca Salt (Yuri Salt)

JJ as Violet Beauregarde (Jean-Jacques Beauregarde)

Phichit Chulanont as Mike Teavee (Phichit Teavee)

Christophe Giacometti as Augustus Gloop (Christophe Gloop)

Otabek Altin as Mr. Slugsworth

Emil Nekola as Mr. Turkentine

& finally, Minami Kenjirou as Oompa Loompa(s) (but seriously, how freaking cute?!)

[soontobenamednetwork]

Episode 32: An Early Version of Common Core

Episode 32: An Early Version of Common Core

Welcome to the middle of the week!

Minute 32 continues Mr. Turkentine’s absolute abomination of a math lesson, which doesn’t really matter, as the kids won’t be tested on it anyway. We’re introduced to another student in Charlie’s class, Peter Goff, and find a little about his behind the scenes story. Charlie is made to feel really bad about his lack of Wonka bar opening, and Jason questions his…