#my brain just opts not to whenever it's not being graded i guess

[jakeperalta]

in hindsight it is amazing that I managed to get two literature degrees because I am terrible at remembering any details of any book I read

[harostar]

I feel like bad AOT takes comes from the fact that... many leftists want to avoid accidentally stumbling into propaganda. Much as the Right-Winger co-opted the terms, WE took the red pill. WE learned the insidious truths behind how cop shows are written, how the military is written in movies. All to boister an image they can use to justify what they do behind the scenes or out in public. With AOT, anything about the military must condemn it with little ambiguity. (cont.)

(cont.) We're tired of giving The Powers That Be any benefit of the doubt. Reading the exposes about them, what are they if not the Saturday Morning Cartoon villains we grew up on? This is what leads to people taking others word for it when they describe AOT as "fascist propaganda." I would be willing to buy that if Hange Zoe didn't outright declare, "Genocide is wrong," without any real contradictions to her assertion.

Complete honesty here, Anon. While I think there are some valid points made in the overall discussion about Fandom and the handling of Nuance, there is something about this Ask that just.....bothers me. I had debated about whether or not to respond, and how I wanted to to do so.

I can’t quite put my finger on what bothers me about it. 

But putting that aside, I think Fandom Discourse struggles with Nuance on many levels. And you have varying degrees of critical engagement, from people who do not question or look beyond the surface AT ALL to the people that basically have a Critical Blog that does nothing but look for ways for things to be Bad and Wrong(tm). 

Somewhere between those extremes, is the need to balance “Turn my brain off and enjoy things” with recognizing how media can be flawed, whether intentional propaganda (ie: Military and Law Enforcement) or unintentional (ignorance of an issue). 

I think the online discourse around the Attack on Titan franchise is especially messy, because the source material itself is messy. I’ve spoken a little before about how choosing to parallel the Holocaust was a huge misstep, and one that is incredibly difficult to balance even when you ARE coming from a Western perspective. Using the historical atrocities and tragedies of other cultures also tends to be a hugely messy thing, because you are inherently filtering it through your own cultural lens and biases. 

Japan can be just as bad as Western media in terms of playing with something “foreign and exotic” without really understanding the deeper issues. There are numerous Japanese-produced works that have really unfortunate portrayals of things, because of a lack of familiarity or understanding of the deeper issues and history. Japanese media has long had trouble with racist portrayals of Black characters, not because of any malicious intention but because a lot of their exposure to Black people had been through (intentionally racist) American-produced materials. It’s gotten BETTER, so much better in recent years compared to the past. But it’s still a work in progress, because a lot of the historical context and deeper issues are simply not part of common knowledge for Japanese folks. 

Likewise, AoT stumbles into stereotypes involving Jewish people. Because these tend to clash with the messages in the series, I tend to lean towards Isayama simply being unaware of such implications. From what little we know about him as a person and his past mistakes (that he at least publicly seems to have acknowledged as mistakes), he seems very much like a typical 20/30-something Japanese dude that isn’t particularly worldly or informed about Politics on a deeper level. 

Over the years, I have definitely observed a tendency for people online to assume others have the same knowledge and understanding as them. But most people are really only going to have a surface/minimal understanding of history and issues, unless it happens to be something of deep personal importance to them. 

I’m a 30-something White Girl that has spent most of my life living in the suburbs in the South. For most of my life, there were A LOT of political and social issues I had very little understanding about. I am still learning and unlearning things, on a daily basis. I honestly cringe to think about my past self, and the things I didn’t understand or know about. Hell, I realized recently that an old photo of me taken before Homecoming in 11th grade has some interesting artwork in the background.

There were portraits of General Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson in our family room, growing up. We thought nothing of having them, and definitely weren’t a bunch of racist rednecks. We were a middle-class suburban family with a diverse group of friends. My parents definitely thought of themselves as Allies, and tried to stand up for the right thing whenever possible. 

I don’t remember exactly when it was that those portraits came down and got thrown out. Looking back, it’s definitely the kind of thing that makes us cringe because YIKES we didn’t even realize at the time it was bad. 

I guess my point with that little personal detail is trying to remind people that most of the time, things are a result of ignorance. America and Japan share an issue of actively not teaching people about social issues, and whitewashing history to conceal all the ugliness. Especially when it comes to another Culture, there’s so much opportunity to stumble into negative stereotypes or implications without understanding what you’re doing. 

I am rambling, so I think at this point I’m going to conclude by suggesting everyone go read this fantastic post by  @fission-mailure

It nails one major issue of the “AoT is Nazi Propaganda” argument is that the framing is incredibly Eurocentric. Hajime Isayama’s politics and his understanding of issues are informed by the politics of Japan. The above link has some good insights concerning Japanese politics, in particular their homegrown variety of Far-Right groups and talking points. 

[stonyiscanon]

socially awkward! peter parker x oblivious shit! reader

read: peter has a heart attack every time he talks to you because you’re too pretty and nice oof

lmfao just experimenting some new head canon//writing styles lmk what you guys think 🥺

it’s essentially a crack fic i have no regrets.

Warnings: an excessive amount of exclamation points used, overload of fluff, it might be little TOO crack-y if that’s even possible for me, a confusing amount of POV switches. ok it’s just shitty writing would you please read it.

Words: 4.8k this be a baby fic

Genre: fluffity fluff, idiots to lovers, high school! reader, god just read the title.

my masterlist is here if you want more shit

talk to me! be my friend please im lonely

 peter first meets you when you’re new to midtown and you get sorted into his science class.

you sat in front of him your very first day and yeah he’s been soft™ for you ever since

like no joke the first time he saw your face he freezed up and choked on his banana

‘oh nO NED!!! she’s PRETTY!!’

‘like, REALLY pretty!!! S H I T’

‘um,,... okay ain’t that a good thing you sit behind her in class!! maybe you can ask for her number or something—‘

oh hohohohoho ned my friend,,

N O

ABSOLUTELY NOT

peter parker has spoken to you a total of twenty-two (22) times within the whole year that you’ve been... acquaintances?? classmates?? ….. friends???

and his fat secret crush on you will STAY A SECRET THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

he’ll die before he asks you out or makes a move because there’s no way in hell peter has a chance with you, the beautiful new girl.

‘i mean, she’s not just beautiful too! she’s so smart, and i know that because i can literally see all her notes from behind her and she gets like, basically all A’s, but she doesn’t even know she’s smart and beautiful?? like, she never raises her hand in class even though i know she knows all th-’

you would think ned would be tired of peter’s ‘shit I’m in LOVE’ rants by now, he’s not because we stan supportive friend ned.

hehe little does he know his big fat secret crush may not be,, totally unrequited

👀

oKAY so maybe you have a humongous tiny crush on the dorky cute guy who sits behind you in science class

WHAT ABOUT IT not like he likes you back anyways.

that one time you asked him for a pencil he looked like he was having an aneurysm!! like okay, are you that hideous or—?

(yeah it totally doesn’t hurt at all that the cute guy you like is repulsed by your presence and seems to ignore you and tense up whenever you’re around)

(t o ta ll y) 🤡

yeah y/n kinda dumb in this because the entire student body knows about peter’s (not so secret lmFAO) crush on you

everyone lOwkEy ships it

ned is president of the petery/n shipper fanclub

that may be because he’s the only member in aforementioned fanclub but you two have many supporters outside the fanclub

ned hypes peter up everytime science class comes around and peter gets kinda confident when he walks in the classroom

‘yeah! i got this!! maybe this time i won’t stare at her hair creepily and then run aw-‘

‘hey peter!’

asjkdjejnxHAUXINENEIAIRJBSJS

ABORT NEVERMIND I DONT GOT THIS ASKXISNNDKSN

peters brain has left the building

and he kinda stares at you for a sec and runs off to his seat at the back

hm, yeah he definitely doesn’t like you

you sigh as you take your seat in front of him, trying to ignore how your love for this dork is completely one sided

the entire class wants to throttle both of you

so then for the sake of the cliche and the plot (did you heart that fourth wall break?? nvm i didn’t hear nothin)

gasp group project time??!?!?!?!

dang who could have saw this coming

totally unexpected

wow

peter is half hoping to get you and half DREADING to

because he knows if he gets you he’ll be able to spend time with you but 300% won’t be able to function and will most certainly fail this project

but i mean who cares about grades.

in a plot twist that literally no one saw coming,,,

‘betty and liz, you’ll be doing yours on atomic structure,

and peter and y/n are partners! you’ll be doing...’

oh nO

you’re partnered up with peter!

i mean this is great news you get to stare at his precious face more but you’re basically forcing him to spend time with someone he doesn’t like!!

so you turn around and you give him an apologetic and (cute as FXCK) small smile

meanwhile, peter combusts

one look at your smile and he just knows he’s completely fucked

like he physically uwus so hard he slams his head on the table

‘oh! are.. you okay? i mean, is working with me really going to be that bad?’

awkward laugh to hide the pain,, quick y/n!!

‘nO!! i mean, no, absolutely not that’s not what i- it wasn’t my- i didn’t m-‘

you smile a little sadly this time and say,

‘don’t worry about it, i know you don’t like me. it’s only two weeks anyway. i promise i won’t take much of your time.’

wait. hold up. back up here. wha-? wHO doesn’t like W HO??

‘wait what do you mea-‘

‘don’t worry about it. wanna meet at the library after school to get a head start on this?’

‘uh, yeah. i mean- cowabunga…!’

wat

shit peter has never wanted to die more in his entire life

so he does what any other normal person would do and yEEts out the classroom full speed

leaving you slightly hurt but mostly just confused

peter strolls in the library casually attempting to strain his neck 360 degrees to look for you

he looks like a chicken and also that’s humanly impossible but leave him be he’s iN LOVE

he spots you on one of the study tables. he takes a deep breath,, and walks over

‘hey!! sorry i’m a little late, uh, something… came up haha’

acting like the poor boy didn’t stand outside the library for fifteen minutes thinking about what he was going to say to you

‘no worries!’ you shoot him another one of those painfully adorable smiles and peter wants nothing more but to give that smile a smooch because damn that is a face that deserves smooches

but he also has a tiny feeling that maybe you might not appreciate it if he randomly kissed you out of nowhere

(you would not mind at all but he doesn’t know that)

‘so yeah! ready to compare the wonders of chemistry and motion physics?’ peter says, bending down to snatch his backpack up to the table (effectively hiding his red cheeks)

you snort as you prop your elbows onto the table, resting your head on your hands.

‘the wonders? hm, i really can’t tell whether you’re being serious or not. guess you really are a dork.’

you giggle a little bit before you catch sight of peter looking like a gaping fish. you immediately slam your hands down, perhaps a little too loudly considering you’re in a library, and blurt out,

‘uh, I was.. joking! making a joke, in case, you know, that wasn’t obvious.’ You awkwardly hide your face between your fingers and squeak out a small apology

‘nO! no, no, don’t worry about it. yeah, I am a dork, so… yeah, i’m not offended, or anything. uh- just, yeah, don’t worry about it.’

well, that ruined the flow of conversation peter was so desperate to keep up with

none of you speak for a bit, opting to look around the very interesting library walls instead, until peter clears his throat and brings up motion physics again

yeah! this will be fine. all you have to focus on is science, and NOT peter’s very soft kissable lips and how good he looks in his light green coloured sweater

huh

oh no

 desperately attempting to clear your mind, you try and focus on what he’s saying instead

it’s just SCIENCE, y/n. focus on the SCIENCE.

this distraction just-concentrate-on-the-work technique works for about the next hour or so as you guys study and work on this project

everything is going great!

you two have an organised google doc full of research and a finished introduction! you’re being extremely productive!

both of you are doing an amazing job at hiding your mutual (except none of you know it’s mutual) attraction!

so as you walk out the library beside peter some time later, you’re smiling softly, because even if your massive crush isn’t reciprocated, you and peter can maybe at least be friends by the end of this, right?

he didn’t even look like he detested you as much as usual today

maybe that’s because he was pretty much forced into cooperating with you because of this project, but you even caught him smiling at you today, so he must be warming up to you

which is great news, of course

peter swallows down his fear and the excessive amount of spit that is coating his tongue and turns to you

‘so, this was really fun’

you tilt your head, mildly horrified at his words

‘we need to stage you an intervention if a science project is something you classify as ‘fun’’

‘no, i mean, the science was kinda boring. spending time with you was really fun. ….right?’

oh good, he isn’t actually a complete monster who does science for fun

(he totally is but you don’t need to know that)

‘yeah! hanging out was really fun, even if we had to spend that time doing work’

you shudder and cringe when you mention ‘work’, because there are much more interesting things you’d rather be doing with peter

👀

‘yep.’

‘yeeep.’

‘so, we should meet up again to work on this… project. right?’ you’re shifting your weight and darting your eyes across the floor, desperately avoiding peter’s gaze.

‘yeah!!’

oof maybe that was a little too enthusiastic. maybe you didn’t notice?

‘i mean, yeah… yeah, totally. sounds… chill.’

oh god that’s worse isn’t it

‘great!’

cue awkward silence

‘so… um… can I maybe have your number?’

you stare blankly at him trying to conceal your excitement because did PETER PARKER just ask for YOUR number?!?!?!

oh no why aren’t you saying anything crapcrapcrap this is peter’s first time asking for ANYONE’S number did he mess up oh no he messed up didn’t he.

‘you know, for the project!!!!! haha!!!!’

oh. of course he wouldn’t actually want your number

*sigh these oblivious fucks I stg i’m the one who’s actually writing this and I want to throttle them*

‘oh… yeah, no problem! um, here’s my number’

‘cool! i’ll text you then!’

from peter p [12:48]

Hey y/n!! Um this is Peter btw. Peter Parker. From science class.

to peter p [12:49]

hey peter!

from peter p [12:49]

So if it’s cool w u do you want to meet up at my place? For the project haha, just figured a change of scenery might be nice. The library can get a little bit boring sometimes.

to peter p [12:49]

yeah sounds cool just send me ur address and i’ll be over after skl tdy if that’s ok

from peter p [12:50]

Yep awesome see u then

to peter p [12:50]

see u! :))

 that smiley face almost makes his heart burst god he’s so whipped for you.

then the panic kicks in.

‘OHMYGOD Y/N Y/L/N IS COMING OVER.’

peter spends like three hours making sure the apartment is SPOTLESS.

spends like half an hour trying to decide whether he should take down all the Star Wars memorabilia down from his walls

like, he doesn’t want you to think he’s a DORK.

(too late peter)

but then ultimately keeps them up, partly because shit you’re coming in like 5 minutes he doesn’t have time for this

but also, you’re a nice person! you surely won’t make fun of him for having a knockoff replica of the death star in his room.

hopefully

oh god if you make fun of him for being a Star Wars nerd he will break down in tears HE HAS TO TAKE THEM DOWN

*ding*

fuck

peter stands up from his spinney chair abruptly and scrambles towards front door.

he spent some time this morning with Aunt May for girl advice and nothing really came out of that except a very traumatizing safe sex talk and some teasing that he will never be able to erase from his memory.

he takes a fast detour and quickly stops in front of the bathroom mirror on his way to open the door, desperately trying to tame the mop of curls and his head.

did I put on deodorant this morning? crap I brushed my teeth right?

*ding*

FUCK

peter stops in front of the door, takes a deep breath and-

‘hey!’ a strangled greeting comes out of his throat but hopefully you don’t notice how nervous he is.

you don’t, because this is oblivious shit!reader

‘hi peter!’

peter is suddenly very aware of how long you have been standing outside.

‘oH! sorry, um come in!!’ he says, opening the door wider and welcoming you in with (overly?) enthusiastic arms.

‘yeah! make yourself at home and everything. you want a drink or something?’

‘water would be nice.’

peter sprints to the kitchen to get you some ICE COLD water in his favourite mug.

peter parker’s apartment is covered with cosy furniture and photos of him and another middle aged woman. half those photos are him and that woman smiling brightly into the camera.

there’s a photo that’s nicely framed above the mantle that shows a young peter beaming in front of a birthday cake, with that same woman and another unknown middle aged man smiling down at him. the photo is clearly old and crumpled, even with the frame around it.

peter looks so happy in that photo…

huh. baby peter is just as adorable as he is now.

you jump away from the photo when you hear his footsteps coming back into the living room. something about the photo seemed emotional, personal. it just didn’t seem like something you should be looking at.

peter comes back clutching two mugs and hands one to you.

‘nice place!’

‘oh, thanks… yeah my Aunt isn’t home right now, she’s downtown meeting some friends, so we have the place to ourselves……’

‘so we can study uninterrupted.’ he says.

oh of course, studying!! yep that’s exactly where your mind went when peter said the apartment was empty aHaH.

peter’s room is a little less adult than the rest of his apartment, flooded with polaroids of him and Ned, with Star Wars posters on the walls.

you ignore the pang of jealousy that you feel when you spot a photo of MJ and peter grinning in front of a bowling alley.

so for the next two hours you two are in peter’s room… studying vigorously.

you would be 100% lying if you said you weren’t disappointed only studying happened.

the weird thing is???

every time you would look down at your textbook to explain something about periodic motion peter seemed to be looking at you when you looked up?

well, looking at you isn’t very weird, looking at someone while they’re talking is just basic manners. but when you looked back he would snap his eyes straight back to his own textbook, nodding and wordlessly agreeing with whatever you had just said.

maybe it’s just your imagination but the way he looked at you, it’s almost a loving, caring gaze.

oh god who are you kidding, it’s just your brain and imagination playing tricks on you.

you’re alone with peter parker in his bedroom!! these things are going to happen!

‘hey you want to take a break? we’ve been going at this for a whole hour now.’ peter says, craning his neck to take a look at the clock on the wall.

‘has it really been a whole hour?’ you lean back in your chair looking up at the ceiling.

‘yeah okay. let’s have a small break then.’

peter picks up both of your mugs and heads off to the kitchen, groaning slightly when he stretches his legs out for the first time in an hour.

*a/n: apologies in advance to those with nut allergies*

he comes back with both your mugs refilled with (water for you, gatorade for peter) and a small bag of almonds for you to snack on.

‘oh hey! almonds are my study snack of choice too!’

‘yeah, i know’ peter says carelessly, scrolling down his phone.

‘i don’t like almonds all that much, but i bought a few packs this morning on the way to school.’

hm,, wHat

‘if… you don’t like almonds why would you get them for me?’

‘because you like almonds.’

blink.

b l i n k

it takes a bit of time for peter to realise what just came out of his mouth.

‘i meAn! I’M NOT A STALKER I SWEAR. i just see you at school sometimes and you always have a small pack of these to snack on whenever you’re doing work so i thought,, you know, since we’re doing WORK, i should buy some for you… so you won’t get hungry!!!’ he’s wailing nonsensical excuses and apologies by now.

huh.

peter parker knows that you snack on almonds when you study, and bought a pack for you even though he doesn’t like them at all.

maybe he doesn’t hate you as much as you thought.

you tear apart the packaging and stuff an almond in your mouth, your traitorous lips slowly threatening to curl into a huge smile.

(despite how much you fight against it, you end up with a slightly demonic looking huge smile on your face, which you attempt to hide by stuffing more almonds in your mouth)

(you now look like a chipmunk)

(but a cute one!!!!)

meanwhile peter is trying to hide the feeling of humiliation by resting his face in his hands, because he literally just exposed himself. he will not be able to take it if he looks back up at your face and you’re laughing at him for this stupid crush.

to his surprise, he does not look up to find you mocking his love for you, but instead, he finds you with a mouth full of almonds, struggling to chew and swallow them all without looking like a disgusting fool.

oh.

that’s kinda cute.

after a good five minutes of you trying to force like 10 almonds down your esophagus,  you clear your throat and awkwardly blurt out a ‘thank you’

‘for the almonds! it’s cute how you bought them for me because you knew how much i like to snack on them while i study. that’s really sweet of you. i guess you really don’t hate me all that much, huh?’ the last sentence comes out teasingly, a playful smile gracing your lips, but instead of uwu-ing over your cute smile, peter’s just confused.

‘why would i hate you?’ he says, his eyebrows laced together in confusion.

‘well, i always kinda got the impression that you didn’t like me… all that much? i never really knew why. hey, why did you hate me so much before this? if i accidentally did something at the start of the year that pissed you off, i’m sorry.’

your playful smile fades a little bit as you see peter basically collapse on himself just due to sheer GRIEVANCE.

‘WHY WOULD YOU THINK I HATED YOU?’ peter yells out, probably annoying the neighbours with how fucking loud he is, but he can’t seem to bring himself to care right now.

‘you… didn’t?’ you say, now becoming just as confused as peter.

he shakes his head aggressively, bringing his fingers up to his temples.

‘but… you always seemed so jumpy around me! and you would never really talk to me, and that one time i asked you for a pencil, you looked like you were dying or something! i always just thought you didn’t like me!’

oh

my

god

peter doesn’t know whether he should be laughing or crying.

‘that’s not because I HATED YOU!! that’s because- i mean- i always thought-’ he’s still yelling and at this point one of the neighbours are definitely going to come knocking to complain, but peter still doesn’t care, because he’s currently having an existential crisis.

ohmygod all this time my CRUSH thought I HATED HER because I couldn’t function like a normal human being in front of her because of how much I liked her until i gave her some ALMONDS what is wrong with me? what kind of entity that controls the universe could hate me so much to pull THIS kind of sick prank on me?

‘wait if you didn’t hate me why would you always act so weird in front of me?’

‘BECAUSE-’ peter tangles his fingers into his hair, and he kicks his chair, sending it halfway across his room from frustration.

‘how could you possibly think I hated you??? how could you possibly think ANYONE could hate you??? you’re single handedly the only good person in this godforsaken school full of IDIOTS and BULLIES! nobody could ever hate you, y/n, and certainly not ME!’

perhaps he is using an excessive amount of hand gestures, but it gets his point across.

‘wha-? what do yo-?’

‘wHat are you TALKING ABOUT?’ you say, slowly turning just as frustrated as peter.

‘if there’s ANYONE that’s decent in this ‘godforsaken school full of idiots’ it would be YOU, peter parker!! nobody would just pay attention to what I EAT so I wouldn’t get HUNGRY during a study session oKaY!! you’re so CONFUSING! every time I accept the fact that you don’t like me back you pull this bullshit, essentially making me rethink ALL MY FEELINGS!’ you say, going through the room (stepping over the toppled chair), just to jab a finger onto peter’s chest.

suddenly both of you are aware of your flushed cheeks and your close proximity.

‘wha- WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?’ peter basically shrieks, and you would not be surprised if all of New York managed to hear that scream.

your cheeks darken as you awkwardly step back from him, realising that you accidentally outed yourself.

‘um- i mean,’ you stumble on the fallen chair as you desperately walk backwards with your hands behind your back to avoid peter’s piercing gaze.

*you’re not good at confrontation okay*

‘you like me?? wait wait, you like ME?’ you frown a little as you look at peter’s incredulous expression.

‘well yeah, you don’t have to rub it in like that, I know you don’t like me back.’ You mumble, looking away.

‘don’t like yo- OH MY GOD!’

this time peter stalks all the way across the room, looking you dead straight in the eye.

‘you better not be joking with me, y/n.’

you squeak out a small ‘no’ or something like that because you can’t really focus with peter looking down at you like that.

‘you mean to tell me, my stupid fat, nervous crush on you was mistaken for HATRED, and all this time I’ve been thinking I have no chance with you, but you’ve been crushing on me too all this time?’ his words come out jumbled, and a little fast, but you can decipher the general meaning.

peter parker likes you… too.

oh GOD WAT

he clears his throat, biting his lip and you can just tell he’s about to apologise, because peter’s a complete angel who probably doesn’t want you feeling uncomfortable.

‘um- uh, y- oomph!’

and in this shocking turn of events, you execute the only spontaneous thing you’ve ever done in your life and pray that it ends up well.

you lean forward and press your lips to peter’s, hoping to whatever superior being there is that this was a good decision.

spoiler alert: it was

peter.exe has shut down because all of a sudden your lips are against his and oh wow this is so much better than all those times he’s imagined it happening because it’s actually happening now.

your hands find their way to peter’s curls that he was trying so hard to get under control an hour ago but now he can’t remember why he doesn’t like his hair if it’s just going to be tugged on by you like this from now on.

he grabs you by the waist and pulls you closer to him, pretty much pressing his body against yours.

not that you’re complaining.

and god if peter died from suffocation right now that would be a heavenly way to go, and he would be a-ok with dying if it meant finally being in your arms.

you pull away from peter, both of you slightly panting before you burst out in giggles, resting your head and letting it fall on peter’s shoulder.

‘oh my god, we’re such idiots, aren’t we?’

peter hums in agreement before lifting your chin up to kiss you again.

 bonus: boyfriend! peter

definitely still stares at you in science class except now whenever you catch him staring he just shoots you a lazy grin

because yEa he has FULL RIGHTS to stare at you now because you’re his GIRLFRIEND.

you find out he’s spiderman pretty much immediately let’s be real this boy is not the best at hiding secrets

especially from his GIRLFRIENDS whomst he loves VERY MUCH.

this boy also gives you anxiety attacks whenever you see spiderman on the news saving people, getting hurt and shit, but he understands.

sends you a text before and after he gets in the suit whenever he can.

most certainly uses his spidey-powers for things they were not intended to be used for.

to visit his girlfriend so she can give him cuddles at any time why what were you guys thinking about hMmmMMMmmmM?

likes to show you off but also gets very blushy and shy about PDA

pretty much had a seizure the first time you held hands.

ned almost fainted when he heard the news (aka peter rushed to call him the second you left that night you kissed because these bitches are very gossipy)

peter parker is the ultimate clingy boyfriend.

……

and you love it.

your science teacher no longer puts you in the same group or partners you guys up now though.

because now you can’t study together, you literally can’t keep your hands off each other.

sometimes when peter is feeling ~particularly clingy he just nuzzles into the crook of your neck during lunch, and pulls you to him so you’re pretty much on his lap.

and MJ is just like yall r disgusTING

right in front of my salad.

in conclusion, peter parker loves you and you love him.

it’s honestly kind of sickening,

but you love that too.

[universe-n-3276]

Carrying the Moon

Chapter 11

“Hiii! We're back! "

"I'm in the kitchen!"

Alice picked Hero up from the stroller and went straight to Robbe. The final exams were approaching and both boys were spending most of their time studying at home or university. Sander was often in his atelier at the Academie to finish up his projects, so Hero spent his time with his grandparents or with the babysitter. That day, Alice had offered to take him for a walk in the park, while Robbe had stayed home on the books.

"Hi!"

"What’s smelling so good?"

“Hey, little bean! I missed you so much!"

Robbe took Hero in his arms and kissed his cheek. He felt so guilty because he couldn't take care of him these days and it was the same for Sander, but they both knew they were doing this for him and their family. Graduating with good grades would have guaranteed a better future for all of them. Besides, it was almost summer, and they would have much more time to spend together.

"I'm making lasagna. Do you wanna join us for dinner?"

"I’d love to, but I have a work dinner tonight."

"Next time. then."

"Sure."

Alice smiled, watching Robbe sit down with Hero on his lap and start taking off the small Ramones sweatshirt he was wearing. In such a short time, the boy she had seen grow up, had turned into a loving man and father. It seemed to come naturally to him, as if he had been predestined to be the father of that child, just like Sander.

"You're such a good dad."

"Thanks but I'm still learning. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing all wrong."

"That’s normal when you have kids, sweetheart. And you're still so young! When I had the twins, I was way older than you, and it was something I planned with my ex-husband for so long. Still, life likes surprises and ended up giving us two babies instead of just one. And I felt exactly like you."

"Sander is my favorite person in the world, so, to me, you did a pretty good job with him."

“Thanks! I'm so proud of him, he turned out to be such a wonderful human being. Both of my children are."

The boy couldn’t hold back the annoyed expression that was painted on his face. In the month everyone had begged Charlotte to try to be a mother, Sander and Robbe had talked a lot about how her behavior was extremely wrong and deplorable in their eyes. Not because she didn't want to be a parent, but because of the way she was acting toward that poor child. She refused to look at him, to touch him, or hold him. Then Hero had become their son and the feeling they felt towards the girl had strengthened, because after all, that torture had been inflicted on the person they both loved so much. Alice noticed Robbe's expression and smiled because it was not difficult to put herself in his shoes, she was also a mother after all.

"I know you think Charlotte did something awful to Hero, but I'm proud of her because she dared to take a step back, and stand up for herself."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, I was scared of being a parent at 23, but now I couldn’t imagine my life being any different. Hero and Sander are my everything."

"You guys are such a nice little family, and thanks to you and Sander, I have the chance to be a grandmother to my little Hero here."

When the sound of the keys turning in the lock reached the kitchen, Hero clapped his hands happily, already knowing that this was the signal that heralded his papa’s arrival.

"I'm home!"

“Hi, baby! We're in the kitchen!"

“Hi, ma! Thanks for taking care of Hero today."

"Don't mention it, honey. I'm happy to help. Now I have to go, see you next time."

They all greeted Alice, and as soon as they were alone, Sander ruffled Hero's hair, then kissed Robbe softly, and he finally felt at home. Calmer, more relaxed, more himself, wrapped in the love that was so vivid between those walls. He couldn’t help but smile while his lips were still pressed to his boyfriend’s.

"Hi."

"I made lasagna!"

"Now I'm scared."

At that comment, Robbe playfully pushed Sander away, and looking him in the eye, he mouthed an unmistakable "fuck off", making Sander laugh out loud, but also Hero, who was always amused to see his parents bicker in that way.

During an evening, when all of them miraculously managed to take a break from studying, Sander and Robbe invited Jens and Lucas over for dinner.

That small meeting was supposed to be held in their friends' apartment, but Hero and his energy took up the space of ten elephants, so they opted to stay at their home.

At that moment, Hero was sitting on Lucas's lap, watching, completely captured, the people around him.

"I've been waiting for the moment when he will call me uncle since he was born."

Everyone laughed and Jens looked at his boyfriend with so much love in his eyes, that Robbe was sure, if they weren't both still busy with college, he would have asked Lucas to marry him long ago.

"When are you giving me another nephew, though?"

Robbe frowned as if Lucas had suddenly grown another head and Sander laughed, taking another sip of the only beer he had decided to drink that evening.

"At this point, if we were straight, I’d tell you that we’re using protection again, but that’s not quite the case."

"So you got tested?"

"No."

They answered in unison. Sander still was calm, Robbe was already completely embarrassed. He didn't understand why Lucas wanted to go through that topic. The wine he was drinking was probably already starting to kick in, destroying his brain-mouth filter.

"What? Why?"

"I hadn't sex with anyone while we were separated."

"I wasn't talking about you."

Robbe was trying so hard not to get involved into that conversation and he was throwing awkward looks at Jens, begging him to find a way to change the subject, but when the room became silent and he saw everyone's eyes on him, he understood that he had been called into question.

"Ow. Sander is still my first and only."

"What? He must be really good if you didn’t feel the need to be with anyone else. Even just out of curiosity. I mean, in my experience the Driesens are pretty passionate lovers, so I get that."

“Lucas, I love you, but just shut up. That big mouth of yours is gonna get you in trouble one of these days."

"That’s exactly what you told me last night when I was giving you-"

"Oh, my."

Jens buried in his face in his hands, continuing to mutter incomprehensible words, while Lucas had a Cheshire cat grin on his face and was stroking his boyfriend’s. Then the conversation somehow shifted back to less embarrassing topics, as Sander got up and went to get their takeout at the door.

"Did he already called you dad?"

Robbe shook his head. That was a very sensitive subject for him. Two months had passed, and despite Hero already calling Sander papa and Alice oma, he seemed unwilling to call Robbe dad. This had started an endless series of thoughts on how Hero would never see him as a parent, and often he and Sander had ended up arguing, because, after all, it was Sander’s fault, if they had broken up.

Sander, who was holding three bags in his hands, had picked up the conversation. The way his boyfriend reacted made him feel bad, but he was convinced that Hero would say that magical word in a few days, also because, whenever Robbe wasn’t around, he tried to make Hero repeat that word until they were both exhausted. He walked over to Robbe and pressed a kiss on his temple, before setting the containers with the food on the table and going to sit next to Lucas.

"It will happen soon, don't get down on yourself."

Sander was immensely grateful for Jens' words and was Robbe too because smiled at him. Hero, who was still sitting on Lucas's lap, caught Sander's gaze and called his name to make sure he had his attention, then pointed his little grabby hands in Robbe's direction, causing an endless series of “aaaaaw”.

“You haven't seen me for a week and you want to go with your dad? Thanks, I'll remember it, when you’ll ask me to drink together your first beer!"

At Lucas' huffy comment, everyone burst out laughing and Robbe walked over to pick up Hero, leaving him a kiss on his head. The baby’s gesture only served to confirm Sander's theory. He just needed to say that word, to complete the puzzle.

"You are his favorite!"

Jens said, turning to his best friend.

“Hey, did you really have doubts about it? He has my genes after all."

After dinner, Hero fell asleep in Sander's arms, who promptly carried him to bed, and the conversation became more intimate and serious.

"What will you do if Charlotte wanted to get Hero back?"

At Jens's question, Sander stiffened and clenched his jaw. That was something he had struggled since he decided to become a father, both because he couldn't forgive his sister for how she treated Hero and because the twins hadn't spoken to each other for nearly a year now, and it had never happened before.

“My mother is Hero's legal guardian because here in Belgium you have to be at least 25 to adopt. I will use this year to find a job so that I can officially adopt him and Charlotte won’t be able to do anything about it. If she comes back sooner, I won't let her take him away. Robbe and I raised him. We are his parents. She is nothing to him."

His words were harsh, sharp, and angry. Robbe knew that Sander would fight hard to keep Hero with them. They had already talked about it before, but the tone never changed. Always so raw and emotional. Robbe put a hand on his boyfriend's back, starting to draw circles with it, to try to calm him down.

They had agreed, that once they were married, Robbe would legally adopt Hero, but also about the fact that everything should evolve naturally in that direction, without the need to push things due to bureaucratic issues. It was enough for Sander that Robbe felt as emotionally attached to Hero as any parent. He didn't need documents to prove it.

"However, she doesn't seem willing to do anything like that, or to get back to this side of the world."

"As if she had never done anything impulsive."

Sander knew that Lucas and Charlotte were still in contact and that nothing could break their bond. It didn't seem right that his best friend wasn't taking his side, also because he knew very well that he had loved Hero from day one. Maybe Lucas was good at not messing with his feelings and emotions. Or maybe he had simply learned to manage those things.

"The anger you’re feeling has made you forget that wanting to give Hero up for adoption was the only selfish thing your sister made during her life. She would never take him away from you. Trust me."

And perhaps Lucas was right, yet his words couldn’t erase the weird feeling that Sander was experiencing in his stomach for months

[previous] / [next]

[girlmeetsliv3]

Used to Disappointment

@saxpam24 requested: nerd yandere au. Like the yandere is the one at the top of the class and the OC has the lowest grades, and how he manipulates her with that.

A/N: Hope you enjoy it. I had a lot of fun diving into it. Strap in cause its a doozy.

Trigger Warning: The following story contains mentions of manipulation and abusive acts. The behavior and mindset of the characters in this will be incredibly yandere and toxic. This is a work of fiction and doesn’t represent the character of bangtan sonyeondan. Enjoy ~~~

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           You were used to disappointment. It was the same expression you had been given whenever you went on a date, tried to make friends, or socialize as a normal human would. It was the expression your professor was wearing and you could swear on your life that the moment your mother had given birth to you, she’d worn that same expression - maybe that’s why she gave you up. “I must say [Y/n] [Y/l/n], I am disappointed. I expected more from you.” As if. It took all your will power not to roll your eyes or burst the undeniable dam that was building behind your eyelids, but you would be damned if you gave him that satisfaction. From the corner of your eye, something caught your attention: Kim Namjoon was seated towards the corner of the room filing tests and grading papers, doing every professors job for them, you often wondered why he did it but assumed he was that overachieving. “Mr. Lee I-” Your professor held his wrinkled and calloused hand up to interrupt you. Namjoon glancing up from his work to pay attention to the show being put on by the two of you. “I’ve heard the story time and time again. Really child if you are that dense then simply get a tutor.” Even though you hated the way he spoke to you, the professor wasn’t wrong. Getting a tutor wasn’t something you hadn’t considered or looked into, but there was a problem. “I can’t afford one.” No hint of surprise passed through the elderly man’s face, can’t say you expected it. Not only were you the bottom of the class, but you were also the bottom of the food chain in the high school hierarchy. Even the stoners or criminals ranked higher because at least they didn’t struggle to get food on the table.

           “Well, then I will ask one of the students to consider tutoring you for extra credit. That way it is beneficial to you both.” You knew who he was talking about before he even spoke his name, “Namjoon would you be kind enough to help y/n out, so at the very least she can graduate.” If it wasn’t for the condensing tone or who he asked you would’ve been thrilled, but the moment you saw the bastard rise from the chair and give his dimpled smile you knew exactly what you were in for. “I would love to. It would look exemplary on my transcript.” Look at him using twenty-five cent words. “Well, it's settled you begin tomorrow after class. You’re dismissed [Y/n].” It wasn’t that Namjoon was a bad person. He was simply a highly attractive and highly intelligent individual who was entirely aware of both those things; meaning he was an ass. A smart ass that could help you graduate, but an ass nonetheless. You decided to wait outside the classroom until he got out, so the two of you could arrange things for the tutoring session you told yourself. In reality, the longer he took the more you could avoid going home.

           “I thought you’d left.” His deep voice drawing you out of your thoughts. His gaze was harsh and in his eyes, you knew that he was only doing this out of necessity, not want. “Just wanted to go over what we’re going to do tomorrow. You know where to meet and stuff.” Your voice trailed off, you weren’t the best at speaking. Not to mention the embarrassment of what he had been witness to was still fresh in his mind. “You waited for two hours just for that?” It could have been your mind playing tricks on you, but you sensed some disappointment in his words. “What else could I have been waiting for?” You smiled sheepishly, the awkwardness of the situation only making your anxiety worse. Namjoon groaned and rolled his eyes, “Nevermind. Tomorrow at three, my house I’ll test you the details.” Then he walked off without giving you time to dwell on what he’d just said. “Thanks, I guess,” you muttered, turning to walk the opposite direction. How did he even get my number?

           “The class president? I didn’t know the two of you were close.” Your aunt asked munching rather obnoxiously on the stale fried chicken. “We aren’t. He’s doing it to put it on his transcript and for extra credit.” You pouted, twirling the plastic fork in your hand having no appetite tonight. “Still. Maybe you can seduce him and he’ll get us out of here. Isn’t he the chairman’s son?! Oh, imagine the things we could buy if you became his girlfriend. Or better yet what if the two of you got married?!” She rambled on lost to her daydreams. Your aunt was the type of woman who believed a woman’s only role in life was to be pretty, get married, pop out a few kids, and wreck your husband’s bank account. She liked to say she was born in the wrong generation, but mainly she talked about how much better her life could be. When she reached for the liquor bottles underneath the kitchen cabinet, she expressed how much better her life would have been if she wasn’t forced to take care of you. The woman would cry for hours and hours about what a disappointment she had turned out to be. You despised yet sympathized with her for it. “I don’t know Auntie. It’s just stuff for school. Plus guys don’t look at me like that.” You tugged your bottom lip in between your teeth, biting down on it. “Darling he doesn’t have to fall in love with you, he just needs to fuck you long enough where he becomes attached.” Laughter bellowing out from her, a small piece of chicken landing on the table. With that, you excused yourself and went to bed.

           The look of surprise on Namjoon’s face when he saw you and his attire was enough to tell you he didn’t think you’d show up. It felt a little nice if you were honest. Seeing the always stoic man lose his cool even if it only lasted a second, “Let’s go up to the library. Figured we should start with science considering that’s what you failed last and work our way through every subject till Math.” He spoke bluntly, yet his words cut right through you. Preferring to save grace you opted not to speak and only followed him around the palace-like house. It seems like it would be so easy to get lost here. “It is if you’re not careful.” Blood rushed to your face when you realized you’d spoken your thoughts. The library was on the second floor, second to the last door in the long hallway. “What’s that door lead to?” You gestured to the rustic oak that towered over the two of you looking rather out of place in such a modern house. “Storage room.” Namjoon simply mumbled before dragging you over the threshold. You spent the next three hours having Namjoon rewire and reteach you everything you had ever known. It was exhausting and halfway through your brain had burned out, the only thing that kept your sanity was seeing Namjoon completely in the zone. Before you thought he was merely smart, but now you knew better: before you was a gifted man. Someone who would change the world, you only wished you were more deserving of the knowledge he imparted. “So that is how you identify the limit using the product rule. Are you okay?” The furrow in his brows brought you back from your daydreaming. “Sorry I think I’ve reached my limit.” He nodded but more towards himself than to you, “Well you should head home then. It’s getting late.”

           A large sigh of relief escaped your lips and you stood up and bowed slightly. “Thank you so much for your help. I’m sure I’ll pass the exams now.” You went to leave, but Namjoon wrapped his hands around your wrist tightly prohibiting you from moving. “You are coming back, right [Y/n]? I mean what does it matter if you pass the exams, but still don’t have enough credits to graduate? You do want to graduate, don’t you?” His words echoed in your head. You needed to graduate if you graduated you could leave town, go to college, get a job, leave her behind. The longer you waited to reply the tighter his grip became until it nearly cut off blood flow to your hand, you didn’t notice too used to pain. “All right. I’ll be back tomorrow.” You shrugged trying to act as if you weren’t about to spiral. “All right. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Namjoon smiled and released your wrist letting you walk away from him. It didn’t matter as you would soon be back. Soon.

           That “I’ll see you tomorrow” became a common phrase exchanged between the two of you. For the next couple of months, you spent every afternoon at Namjoon’s going over lessons, classwork, and exams. Eventually, the two of you simply began hanging out, having grown incredibly close to one another. It was a routine you didn’t want to brake: you laying on the floor of his bedroom next to him either watching a new film, jamming out to songs, or having pointless yet insightful conversations. It kept you from your old routine of wallowing in your own misery, failing classes, and seeing your aunt drink herself to oblivion. Going to bed hoping the next day would be different only to be met with disappointment. Now things were different - a good different. You were graduating tomorrow and would be moving out next week to a dorm room you managed to score due to financial aid. Your college entrance exams had been stellar only because of Mr.148 who forced you to sleepover for three days in order to properly cram. “...tomorrow.” You frowned, “What?” Namjoon only chuckled pulling you closer so you would be pressed against his side. “I said do you want me to join you and your aunt after graduation tomorrow? I know you’re dreading it.” It was true. Your aunt had mentioned that she had a very important individual to introduce you to after your graduation, stating the three of you would have dinner and that you should dress up. “Tell Namjoon to buy you a pretty dress. It’s the least he could do.” Had been her exact words, which you, of course, hadn’t shared. “I’d love that. I only hope it doesn’t go as bad as I think it will.”

           At that Namjoon scoffed, “You should be used to disappointment already. At least with her.” Once you divulged your less than perfect home life to Namjoon, he had wanted to help you. The man even offered to let you move into his home. He had been quite desperate about it, hounding you for days, but you managed to convince him somehow. “I know, but the last thing that dies is hope.” You gazed up into his dark eyes and saw how they glowed beautifully even in poor lighting. Namjoon leaned in and went to press his lips into yours, but you moved away last second. His face contorting to a pained expression before he masked it and kissed your forehead instead. There was another routine in your relationship: Namjoon constantly desiring to cross that line between friends and lovers. He demonstrated this through kisses, affectionate touches, and longing looks. It had been going on for a while without any reciprocation on your part. You had assumed he would grow used to disappointment as well. “It’s getting late. I should go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You quickly pecked his cheek before standing up and waving goodbye, walking out the door before he even managed to reply. “Bye [Y/n].”

             Your the excitement the next morning had been rather short-lived when the principal had called you to his office before the ceremony was to commence. “Sit down Mrs.[Y/l/n] there is some news I would like to share with you.” Was the words you were greeted with upon entering his office. You swallowed thickly and moved to sit in one of the leather seats in front of the large wooden desk. Before you could even question why you were called, the principal spoke. “It has been brought to my attention that the grades you have been receiving this past school year were incorrect.” You frowned tilting your head to the side with confusion but allowing him to continue. “It appears that no matter what your answers were on homework or exams, you were graded unfairly on purpose. We noticed this discrepancy when we compared your exams with others and found that you did well enough. Perhaps enough to merit some scholarships.” A single word was all you could muster out as you tried to wrap your head around the situation, “Why?” The man simply continued to express his laments and promised the professor had been fired and would be dealt with appropriately. None of it made any sense, your professor never seemed to have a vendetta against you, the man was too lazy to properly teach the class much less - the light coming from an open window gleamed off a picture hanging above the principal’s desk. The man stood with a professional smile on his face whilst he shook hands with the chairman. As you stared at the picture a realization came over you. “I’m sorry, but I have to head over to the ceremony.” You spoke numbly as tears began to conjure up in your ducts. “Of course. Enjoy your graduation and have a good life [Y/n].” The principal replied before you bolted out the door.

             Avoiding Kim Namjoon for the entirety of the ceremony had not proven an easy task, but you had managed to do it either way. Slipping away with your aunt to your small decrepit apartment before he had noticed. Currently, you were helping set the table as your aunt finished cooking. The mysterious guest set to arrive at any second and your aunt seemed over the moon. “You’ll see [Y/n] this is everything you’ve ever wanted. The answer to all our problems.” She hadn’t had a drop of alcohol tonight and that elated your mood even if just a bit. Who knew maybe things could go well this evening? That way you could forget about the betrayal you’d learned of. Maybe you could forget all about it and him as well? You should’ve known better. There was a harsh pounding on the door, the strength alone nearly causing it to fall off its hinges. Your aunt ushered to open it as you finished placing the plates on the table. It was the scream that had you whipping around to see Namjoon gripping your aunt by the throat, lifting the tiny woman off the ground by several feet. “Namjoon! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!” You screamed before running over to him and attempting to pry him off of her. Now up close you could see the blood that had soaked into his black suit. The specks across his neck and cheek. Most importantly you could see the insanity in his eyes.

           Refusing to let go of your aunt, he tightened his hold before speaking. “This bitch right here was trying to sell you off.” The words stunned you for a second, before the choking sounds of your aunt’s constricted airway forced you to try and draw them apart once more. You succeeded this time, placing yourself in between them. “Stop lying Namjoon. I know what you did. How you almost robbed me of my future all for what?” His eyes widened and his body began to shake, “You don’t understand. I didn’t rob you of anything. I gave it to you! Without me, you would’ve been some mediocre student who would’ve gone onto live some mediocre life.” He kept getting closer and closer to you and all you could do was cower in place. “You would have ended up exactly like her.” He pointed towards the sobbing figure that was your aunt. You knew his words weren’t true, just another means of manipulating you. “I trusted you Namjoon. Why? Why did you truly do it?”

           “Because I love you, [Y/n]. I hoped you could come to love me too with time.” Namjoon reached out to caress your cheek lovingly, but all you felt was disgust at who he was and the words he spoke. “Well, you should be used to disappointment.” You laughed cynically. Those were the last words you spoke before Namjoon tackled you to the ground. The screams of your aunt filling your ears before a hit to the head sent you into a dark abyss.

[pastelpastryblog]

DEAN  scenario- What on earth did I do to deserve this?

Requested: Dean looks like the guy you see at the gas station at 3am after the club that you trynna fuck but you cant tell your friends cause they gonna judge you. Sooo many bad but good decisions. Someone should make a scenario out of that lol. via @icygrrlnat by @otheruponrother I really hope that you like this scenario. It was a bit hard to make but I hope it turned out good for you :)

Word count: 3,473

Genre: Angst,Mature, strong language, suggestive content

*Wednesday*

Its F/N birthday in 2 days but I really don’t want to go out clubbing with her and the other girls. The past 2 months has been very rough for me. Whether it is my personal life and my professional life, both was rough for me, but this week has honestly been the worst of it all. My high school bully, Yucky hyuky…. I mean Kwon Hyuk, has now been appointed as my new supervisor since June and he has been putting me through hell. He always tells me to do the team’s dirty work and he always takes his anger out on me when someone else in our team messes up. All the women at work find him attractive and they all flirt with him. If only they knew him personally. I also feel so depressed lately and Friday and Saturday are my only days off this week, so I want to spend my day in bed, and have my phone switched off because I also don’t want to go out with my co-workers Friday, because they are all going to watch Kwon hyuk perform at an event. I honestly don’t want to be reachable. Like honestly, what on earth did I do to deserve this type of treatment from him. Like, the only bad thing that I have ever done is have a crush on yucky hyuky when I was like what? 16? 17?

My friends never let me live down the fact that I had a crush on a school bully that looks like he bathes in mud. All my friends hate him because he used to bully them too, but not as severe as my bullying. He was known for being the first guy in our grade that lost his virginity, was always fighting the older boys of our school, known for sleeping around with the older girls from different schools and older women from universities. He was also popular for leading on the girls in our grade and giving them false hope. He even had an affair with one of his girlfriend’s mom. There even were rumours of him having an STI or an STD, and him getting a married university lecturer pregnant but those rumours could be fake. But in other words, he was a full-blown hoe, a dirty one. If you were associated with him, you automatically became a dirty hoe by association, so everyone that had morals, tried to stay away from him because he was trouble.

~2 days later, Friday~

It is F/N birthday today and they all pleaded me to come and celebrate F/N 25thbirthday. I really didn’t want to, but then I remembered that she always comes to my birthdays, even when I don’t do anything on my special day she manages to bring me a birthday cake and a present. So technically, I HAD to go out. We pre-drink as we get ready, and we have a pre-party before the turn up at the club. We all dolled up for our girl’s 25th. Everybody looked like they could be in movies, while I opted for a lowkey option, a black strapless pvc bodycon dress, off the shoulder denim jacket, and black barely there heels with a small black clutch bag. I even wore makeup for the first time in months, a light Smokey eye with dark plum lips and I even took my messy bun down and straightened my hair. Basic but cute.

~

It’s 1am right now but we have been in the club since 10pm. Some of the girls are drunk, and some are one more shot away from being completely drunk, like myself. I guess hanging with my girls is like therapy to me. I get to just let loose and have fun, I feel like I deserved this. I deserved to not think about my love life, debts, my bills and my demon supervisor. This club is too lit and so are the people that I am surrounded with, the birthday girl is getting all types of attention because she looks beautiful with her face full of glam makeup and her sparkly dress and her figure 8 body shape. Its so good to see everybody having fun and enjoying themselves. 30 minutes into sitting and sipping our drinks at our VIP booth that we had reserved for the bday girl, the DJ stops the music and announces that an upcoming R&B singer is about to hit the stage so me and my friends head off to the stage to see the show but for some reason I see my co-workers, so I try to hide from them, but they see me and I get approached by them.

“hey Y/N, what are you doing here? I thought you didn’t want to go out “

“Hi, um…. its my friend F/N birthday today so were celebrating here. Why are you guys here? I thought you guys were going to see Hyuk, I mean Mr Kwon perform somewhere. Did you guys not go?”

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, UPCOMING R&B SINGER, DEAN” says the DJ.

Oh boy…….

“yeah we ARE here to see Mr Kwon, DEAN is his stage name.”

“Ooh, he’s starting. Bye Y/N see you at work”

“We’ll tell him that you were here, say happy birthday to F/N for me. Bye!”

F U C K.

“Erm, wait. Is that fucking Yucky Hyuky on stage? Says friend #1

“WTF, isn’t that Hyuk? The dirty one from school? Hes trying to be a singer now? Wow” says friend #2

I honestly did not expect to see this beautiful demon slut here. I came out with my girls to have fun, to forget about all the shit that is troubling me. Not for me to hear his angelic voice.

Pause. Did I just call this man beautiful? Angelic voice? Pfft. As if!

Seeing Hyuk on stage was, well… different. He is very charismatic on stage and he looks and sounds like he knows what he’s doing, which is a great thing for him I guess. I don’t know why but seeing him on stage is kind of making me feel some type of way and I really don’t like it. 30 minutes into his performance, while me and my girls standing in front of the stage, I notice that Yucky Hyuky kept looking in my direction, but I kept brushing it off. Maybe he was looking for the other co-workers, maybe he’s trying to identify and remember my girls, maybe he’s thinking of more ways of ruining my work for me tomorrow. No way is he staring at me because he thinks I’m cute. It can’t be. But for some reason, this look was one that I have never seen before. It was a soft yet sexy look. I don’t know, maybe the drinks are hitting my brain right now.

So, at this point, me and the girls split up to do our own thing while still being on the dance floor. I was vibing to hyuk’s music with a drink in my hand, while also ignoring the long stares that he is giving me from across the stage. All of the sudden, I get bumped into. Somebody accidently spills a drink on my dress (thank God, it’s a pvc dress so no damages were made), I turn around and I notice that it is my ex-boyfriend, Juno. I froze, I didn’t know how to react, so he just pulled me by my hand and took me out. He takes me to the unisex bathroom starts wiping the drink that he spilt on my dress.

“I’m so sorry for spilling my drink on you, Y/N. You look beautiful by the way” he says as he looks me up and down while licking his lips.

“why are you doing this to me? And what do you want from me?”

“I’m just trying to get you clean Y/N, I spilt my drink on you. Did you expect me to leave you like that?”

“spilling a drink on me is nothing compared to what you put me through. “

“I just wanted to check up on you, to see how you’re doing”

“You broke my heart, you damn idiot. How do you think I’m fucking doing?”

“look, I’m sorry Y/N. I didn’t mean to hurt you. “

“Save it Juno. You used to cheat on me whenever I wasn’t around, especially when you went on tour. Then you cheated on me with your so called “best friend” Hyorin from college and got her pregnant. Whenever Hyorin did something bad, you would always stick up for her and put the blame on me instead. Whenever I would confront you about it, youy would always say that shes been your friend since day 1, so you had to do what you did. You never had my back. The reason why I am in debt is because of you. You made me feel horrible about myself by body shaming me, always lying to me and you were just verbally and mentally abusive to me. So, what do you mean by saying that you are sorry and that you didn’t mean to hurt me. You are not sorry, and you definitely meant to hurt me. You knew damn well what you were doing, Juno”

“Y/N, look, I’m so- “

“Oh, shut it Juno. You know damn well you don’t mean it. What? You’re Sorry? You didn’t mean to hurt me? Are you fucking kidding me right now? You’re only apologising because I look good tonight. You’re only apologising to me RIGHT NOW because you want to take me home and get in my pants. But guess what Juno? That can never be me. Not anymore. I am not falling for your bs again. You are the worst. Thank you for ruining my night Juno. Have a great life, bitch.” I started to walk off and then I turned around to him again and I say “Oh, I forgot something. Congratulation on your baby by the way, and tell your side bitch, oops, I mean tell your baby moms that I said hi”

I walk out of the bathroom and leave Juno in there, but I notice that Hyuk was standing outside the bathroom, but I don’t care. I don’t care if I’ve missed him performing his last 4 songs. I don’t care if he finished his performance. I don’t care if he heard us.  I don’t care if he thinks that I look stupid right now. In fact, since when did he ever think I was not stupid? I don’t care at all.  I need to get out of this club asap. I head back into the VIP booth and I grab my purse, go to the bar one last time and I get two glasses of henny and a shot of Vodka and I gulp it all down in one go. After that encounter with Juno, I really needed that.  After I finished my drink, I leave without finding my friends anything because I didn’t want my girls to fight Juno. Its F/N special day after all, no need for her day to get ruined by me.

~

I get out of the club and I walked to the nearest gas station so that I could wait for my uber there. I get a notification on my phone and the Uber driver says that he will get to me in 55 minutes. So out of nowhere, tears just start falling down my face. I was having such a good day today but out of nowhere, I see my co-workers from work, hyuk, my ex and now my uber basically cancels on me. How can my life be so messed up? What did I do to deserve this?  

Its been 20 mins and I’m still at the gas station crying. But this time I’m crying, curled up in a ball on the side curb and I took my heels off because they were hurting my feet. Out of nowhere, a car pulls up, but I had no energy to look up. Someone finally opens the car door and yells my name. still crying and still not looking at who the person is, I feel someone’s big, warm hands putting my hands away from my face and I notice that the person is Hyuk. He then goes inside the gas station store and comes out with a packet of tissue paper that he just purchased. He approaches me and doesn’t say anything. He just wipes away my tears with the tissue paper and out of nowhere he picks me up and puts me in the passenger seat of his car. We get in the car and he covered my legs with his jacket and places the packet of tissues that he bought for me on my lap. The car ride was not silent at all, because all I did was cry and sniffle. I cried so hard that I ended up falling asleep during the other half of the car ride.

I wake up when I feel Hyuk placing me on something and covers me with something warm and fluffy. I get up and I see that I am in a clean yet modern studio apartment.

“where am I?” I ask.

“you’re at my house, so don’t worry. But are you okay?” he asks me as he is taking pillows and comforters out of his wardrobe and placing them on his sofa.

“I’m a bit dizzy and I have a pounding headache. I feel a bit nauseous too, I think I’m going to vomit. Are you moving the bed?” I say as I sit up from his bed as I place my arms around my stomach.

“No matter how hard a situation is, you should never drink that much for you to be feeling the way you feel right now. How much did you even drink?”

“A lot”

“that’s very irresponsible of you, Y/N”

He quickly runs into his kitchen and gets me a bottle of cold water and some pills for me to take, while he got himself a Jack Daniels bottle.

“here, take it”

*giggles* “thanks” *giggles.

“Don’t ever drink like that again and wonder off yourself. what if a creepy man was to put you in his car instead? Do you know how dangerous that could have been?

“Wait. Since when did you ever care about my wellbeing, Mr Kwon? And why do you look so sexy tonight?”

“Since forever. Huh, wait what? Did you just call me sexy?”

“huh? What the fuck?” I chuckled as he looked at me.

“Look, when I was on stage performing, I was so shocked to see you in the crowd. I was not expecting to see you because you told all of us at work that you had other plans.”

“Great, this whole situation is going to get me in trouble on Monday isn’t it? I’m getting fired” I sigh.

“No Y/N, when I was performing I kept staring at you because you looked beautiful today. In fact you look beautiful every day and – “

“Look Yucky Hyuky, you still are the same, aren’t you? Are you saying all of this just to get my hopes up and laugh at me at the end? You used to do that to all the girls in our grade. I had a crush on you for like 2 years but thank goodness I didn’t confess to you or you would have embarrassed me in school”

“Y/N, did you just say that you used to like me?

“I used to but then I hated you but seeing you on stage kind of changed my hate for you. It kind of made me have a crush on you again”

“Y/N, I think its time for you to go to bed, you’re still drunk”

“No, I really mean it, Yucky. I was the ONLY girl that you never asked out as a joke or led me on. That made me feel really weird and top of that, you used to bully me for no reason!”

“the truth is that I have always had a crush on you. I have always had a crush on you, Y/N.Infact, I still do. I made you feel that way because I thought that you would never ever like me and you are just to good for me. You made me want to be a better person so that I could finally approach you, but I was unconfident and scared of being rejected by you and that is why I started to sleep around with a lot of girls, it was to get my mind off of you, but it never worked. You have always been on my mind. When you joined the company, I was really excited to see you and I wanted to show you an upgraded version of myself, but you didn’t like me from jump which is totally understandable for the way I have treated you in the past. My immaturity got in the way, and I messed up again. I am really sorry for making you feel worthless and miserable. This information may not fix what has happened between us, but I just really wanted to get this off of my chest. I really hope that you can forgive me.”

“Wow, I don’t know what to say”

After hearing all of this, I honestly know how to react. Like should I be happy? Should I cry? Be angry at him? Like what should I do?

So, I ended up getting out of the bed and walked past him on his sofa so that I could go into the kitchen and throw my water bottle in his recycling trash.

While you were in the kitchen recycling Hyuk’s bottle, Hyuk had just finished his bottle of Jack Daniels. After hearing your confession to him, he really wanted to get another bottle in the kitchen. You finally finish sorting out his other bottles, so you start walking back to the bed, Hyuk was walking towards the kitchen to get himself another bottle. Without looking were you are both walking, you both bump into each other pretty hard, so hard that you tripped, and he caught you in his arms.

While still being in this awkward position, Hyuk would not let go of me. He was looking into my eyes and he was giving me the same look that he was giving me at the club. I honestly don’t know what it is about that look, but it drove me crazy. So crazy that I got closer to his face and kissed him on his lips. His lips were very plump but also tasted bitter because of him drinking the Jack Daniels earlier on. He kissed me back and out of nowhere we were making out in the middle of his studio apartment.

You and Hyuk both started to get carried away while making out and before you knew it your hands started to wander on his body. You started to unbutton his silk shirt, while he was taking off your jacket, your hands caressing his chest while he unzips your dress. Both just left in your underwear, Hyuk pushes you on the bed while still making out and says “we don’t have to do this Y/N. I’ll fuck you if you let me”. You nodded in agreement to what he said to you and you proceeded to let him do what you wanted him to do to you.

~ 8 hours later~

“Morning, Y/N”

“morning Yucky-“

“Okay, can you quit calling me Yucky Hyuky now? All of those rumours of me having STD’s and STI’s are fake. Same goes to the one about me having multiple babies by older or any woman at all.”

“I am so sorry, I’m just so used to calling you that. I didn’t mean to hurt you by that”

“its fine Y/N. Look, I’ve been thinking. Do you want to go out on a date with me? I want to make you my girlfriend”

“Yeah sure, I would love to go out on a date with you. “

I ended up going on a few dates with Hyuk and me and him ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend after 2 months of dating. I was ashamed of telling my friends because they all hated him and because of all of the things that he has done but because he became my boyfriend, I can’t hide him. I ended up telling my friends about everything and for some reason, they reacted more positively but it took them a few months to fully approve of Hyuk. Mine and Hyuk’s relationship improved throughout the months and my friends were always supportive of me too. Honestly, what on earth did I do to deserve this?

The end.

[joemerl]

Post-Korra Avatar Fanficcy Thing

As I mentioned a while back, I’ve had these half-formed ideas for an AtLA/LoK “Next Avatar” sequel pretty much since Korra ended, but without any sort of firm story for the characters that I’ve created. Since these plotbunnies are hopping around my brain again, I’m gonna try to write things out just to see if that will a.) put the plotbunnies to sleep, or b.) help me get ideas for an actual fanfic (that I don’t have time to write anyway).

Keep going if you want to see a ridiculously long explanation of one fan’s stupid ideas.

Worldbuilding/Backstory/Whatever

Much has changed in the Avaverse since Avatar Korra beat Kuvira in her attack on Republic City. The Earth Kingdom/Empire is now called the Earth Confederacy, with a Parliament and Prime Minister running a bunch of semi-autonomous states. Technology has advanced in ways that I haven’t exactly figured out yet; maybe, like, 1950s-level? Also, everybody has last names now. Makes things easier to keep track of.

So, thirty years post-Kuvira, Korra goes on some sort of trip. I’m not sure why, where (maybe the Spirit World?) or what happened, but she vanishes, and all attempts to find her fail. This naturally causes some problems, because nobody knows if she’s alive or dead, and if she is dead, well, good luck finding the new Avatar in a continent-sized country when you don’t even know what birthday to look for. So yeah, we get a smaller version of the Aang-in-an-iceberg situation where people have no idea what’s going on with the Avatar cycle.

Cut fifteen-to-eighteen years later, and meet Keno Hiiragi. 

Main Characters (and the Vague Narrative That Brings Them Together)

Keno Hiiragi (name somewhat subject to change) lives in Omashu with his widowed mother and twin sister. If Aang was the “spiritual” Avatar and Korra the “physical” Avatar, he’s the “intellectual” Avatar. He’s tall, gangly, bookish and introverted. He’s always had big plans for his life and tends to get moody and upset if things don’t work out like he expected. 

Like when he’s worked his whole life to get good grades, won early acceptance to Ba Sing Se University, and then finds out that NOPE, it turns out that you’re the Avatar and have to spend the next decade or two learning to bend all of the elements.

(How does he find out? I’m thinking something dramatic happens, like a flood, and he winds up accidentally Waterbending to save someone. This naturally brings the White Lotus to his door.)

Oh, yeah---Keno already knew he was an Earthbender, but unlike his predecessors, he didn’t bother to master it by the time he hit puberty. Earthbenders learn it for their Physical Education requirement in school, but like most nerds, he dropped that class as soon as he could and faked a lot of injuries so that he could read in the bleachers. Basically, he’s just constantly rebelling against this whole situation, because he doesn’t want to learn anymore bending and why is bringing world peace his responsibility and askjsadkhjdfasknasd.

Which puts him in strong contrast to Mariko Hiiragi, his twin sister. While Keno was always bringing home perfect grades, she was an Earthbending jock who probably had a poster of Toph on her bedroom wall. The siblings bicker, but were relatively peaceful being prodigies in their separate fields. In fact, Mariko was accepted for training by the world’s greatest Earthbending master just as Keno got accepted into school! Accept HA HA no now they’re going to said Earthbending master together, because Keno gets special treatment even though he can barely levitate a rock and never practices and people are talking about how he’s going to be the best Bender ever in every element and---

(The Keno-Mariko rivalry is basically a much toned down version of Zuko and Azula. And it’s also ironic, because ultimately they wish the same thing---that Mariko was the Avatar instead of Keno. Mariko kind of unfairly blames him for the situation, but this would probably be an early subplot that gets resolved fairly quickly---no doubt one of them will save the other or they’ll team up to fight something and then resolve their differences. Then Mariko becomes his tutor or something. She’s probably more of the “B-Squad” of the new Team Avatar, though; she’ll join in the big battles but doesn’t travel around with Keno on his big world-spanning adventures.)

We also have Anling Soh, Keno’s childhood friend (and probably the person he saves in the aforementioned flood or whatever). She’s a Firebender, though she may not be very adept at it, having grown up in an Earth Confederacy city without any teachers. (I’m not sure if the similarities with season 1 Katara are a plus or a minus there.) She’s a lot more extroverted and calm than Keno but also extremely loyal to him, to the point where (despite his strenuous objections) she insists on accompanying him for his Avatar Earthbender training. He thinks his life is ruined, and dang it she's going to stick with him and give him some sense of normalcy until he finally gets over his freak-out.

Anling is Keno’s love interest, by the way. In contrast to both Aang and Korra, however, I don’t want to drag this out forever. Like, in “season one” of this story, Keno realizes that he has a thing for her, that her own playful flirting with him may be more sincere than he thought it was, and after one “episode” of conflicted “do I want to risk ruining our friendship” stuff they hook up. Then they’re just low-key dating throughout the rest of the story, with relatively little drama and mostly just acting the same as they did before.

So they’re off to Zaofu to see Sukru Beifong, the world’s greatest Earthbender, who happens to be the son of Zaofu’s mayor, Bolin, and his wife, Opal. He’s a decidedly tougher teacher than Keno would have preferred; the fact that he’s used to teaching the best of the best (like Mariko) and now has to teach an amateur isn’t helping matters. 

In Zaofu we meet two more members of Team Avatar III: Bolin and Opal’s grandkids (from a kid other than Sukru). Shouta Beifong is the older of the two. He's an Airbender, but he’s decidedly less the “peaceful and spiritual” type and more “Toph as a male Airbender with Bolin’s physique,” prone to boisterous attacks, pranks and loud laughter. His younger sister, Hue Beifong, is a non-bender, but also kind of a psychopath. She regularly carries around ten-foot swords or Spirit-vine-powered bazookas and no that is not even remotely legal, she made them herself. She probably plans to become chief scientist of Varrick Global Industries someday, and will no doubt wind up in prison like her idol. 

Okay, so now all we’re missing is a Waterbender! Admittedly, I haven’t figured out how to fit Nasak Innugati into the narrative as well as the others. I have multiple conflicting ideas of his ancestry: Foggy Swamp? Sokka’s descendant? Somehow related to Desna or Eska? In any event, he’s the apathetic/sarcastic member of our group who nobody really likes, but who cares about the others deep down.

We also need a team pet, which is a problem because Keno hates animals and is allergic to just about anything with fur. He manages to ignore everybody’s “no, seriously, every Avatar has some sort of spirit-bonded animal” thing for a while, but eventually he finds an injured baby viper bat and winds up carrying it around with him for a while. Then someone/-thing attacks him and he instinctively throws it at them, and the viper-bat winds up biting the enemy so hard that Keno can escape. He opts to keep the thing afterwards and names it Mulda (which is Korean for “bite,” if I’m getting my online translation right). 

Other Characters (Including Old Favorites!)

As previously mentioned, Bolin and Opal live in Zaofu with their son and grandkids. Opal’s probably off doing Air Nomad things a lot of the time, though. 

Based on an aborted Korra plotline apparently mentioned on the DVDs, Mako wound up with Fire Lord Izumi’s daughter Susila. He moved to the Fire Nation and eventually became the palace’s chief of security. He currently works to protect his great-nephew, the sickly ten-year-old Fire Lord Thahn, who probably gets kidnapped at some point so that Mako and Team Avatar III can team up to save him. 

Asami continues to run Future Industries, and remains wistful about Korra’s disappearance. Finding out about/meeting Keno no doubt is a blow to her, since it definitively confirms that Korra’s dead. 

(Side note: As a running gag, people keep telling Keno how “close” Asami and Korra were, and he repeatedly doesn’t get what they’re implying.)

Ikki and her husband Haneul are in the White Lotus and are in the group that finally tracks down Keno. He’s a non-bender and skilled at Chi-blocking. (They test Keno’s Earthbending skills by having him fight him. Keno loses in about three seconds.)

Jinora is now the leader of the Air Nomads. She and Kai are married. She runs the government, while he’s Air Temple Island’s main teacher (and has a Gyatso-esque tendency to teach his students how to cause trouble). They probably have some kids but I’ve not fleshed them out too much.

Meelo runs the Air Nomad military on his sister’s behalf.

I dunno what Rohan’s doing. I’ve always headcanonned him as a non-bender, though.

Desna and Eska are probably still alive and running the Northern Water Tribe. I guess Tonraq could still be alive in the South, and it’d provide some more character-building angst when Keno shows up.

Varrick is now an important member of the Earth Parliament, running the opposition to the current Prime Minister. His company is currently being run by Zhu Li and/or their daughter Dipika.

Toph is totally still alive. I mean, this may never come up, but I headcanon that she just lives in the wild now, beating up Death whenever he tries to claim her.

Plot???

I mean, I guess “what happened to Korra” is an obvious one. Team Avatar III must go and investigate? Maybe Keno can contact her spirit, despite being cut off from the other Avatars? The new villain was behind it?

The new villain is...someone? Maybe a non-bender? Or a spirit? 

AtLA-style Evil Overlord or LoK-style Well-Intentioned Extremist? Something based on modern terrorism and/or Asian New Religious Movements?

Vague ideas about exploring the Earth Confederacy, particularly the conflict between its national government and semi-autonomous states? But conflict with no clear-cut right answers = headache. 

Conclusion

This thing has been in my Drafts for like a year now, so I hereby release it into the wild.

[seventeen-scenarios-blog]

[FIC] Unbound (T)

Prompt: Stepbrother!Mingyu Sequel Word Count: 4,911 Genre: Angst Warnings: Mild substance abuse

A/N: Y'ALL ASKED FOR IT, AND HERE IT IS, FINALLY. I really wanted to get this done in time for Mingyu's birthday, but I guess fate had other plans :( But still, it's done! THE SEQUEL TO TIES IS FINALLY COMPLETED, THE FATE OF OUR HEROES SHALL BE DETERMINED *cough*.  I know it's been a while since that monster-sized fic, so I'd recommend giving it a read again before delving into this one. Thank you so much for the love you've shown for this story. There would not have been a sequel if it weren't for the support <3 ENJOY!

-wooed<3

Read the first installment, Ties, here!

Short Recap:

“I understand,” he says again, as though trying to convince himself, and he crushes you into his arms tighter. “But for now, please… Let me hold onto you for a little longer before I let you go. Just for tonight.”A little longer, that’s all the time the both of you have. Compared to the past thirteen years you’ve spent together, five hours seems like a laughably, cruelly short amount of time now. You sniffle and manage a nod, and he takes in your consent with by nuzzling his nose against the crook of your neck. “I understand.”

It seems like your mind had been playing tricks with you the whole time.

Whenever you tried recalling moments spent with your older brother Mingyu, you recalled of the countless times he had given the you cold shoulder in Junior High, how he avoided you at all costs in the halls of your high school, embarrassed by the thought of being seen with the bottom percentile of the school.

Pretending like you’ve never existed, that was what he was like to you. All this time you thought that you meant this little to Mingyu.

But ever since that fateful night at Jihyun’s house, you’ve started recollecting other memories; whether selectively repressed or not, you had no idea.

The memories of him staring down bullies at the playground with a darkly uttered: “Don’t mess with my sister”, the memories of him incessantly slipping his prized study notes into your room while you’re busy playing video games, memories of a warm meal of stew and rice being left out in the dining table when you come home from late night studies in the library during your senior year.

There was even a memory of him when he was in the 7th Grade while you were in the 6th, when your parents were both overseas on a business trip. He had ran to your elementary school through the thundering rain, just to pass you the umbrella you had carelessly forgotten before turning on his heels and sprinting off for basketball practice completely drenched.

The memories made you break out into cold sweat in the middle of the night, waking up panting and in desperate need of a warm drink to soothe yourself.

You hardly left your room since that incident, opting to hole yourself in your duvet covers and coming out only in mealtimes. Your mother is especially worried, noting how little you’ve been eating, while your step-father gets increasingly aggravated every time Mingyu’s seat remains empty at the dining table.

“He’s heading off to America for who knows how long, and he still wants to spend his last few days in Korea with his friends,” he would grumble around a mouthful of food. “It’s like he doesn’t care about our feelings at all.”

But you know what Mingyu is doing. The tension that exploded between the both of you has made it so that you aren’t able to stay in the same room for more than three seconds. It is already suffocating living under the same roof with him. Bumping into each other in the mornings always called for your awkward bowing before scampering off like he was the boogeyman, while his unreadable yet heated gaze bore down your back like the glaring sun.

A part of you wanted him to quickly leave for America, and put the two of you out of your misery for the next few years and yet… The tug on your heartstrings let you know that you’re definitely feeling otherwise.

But before you know it, the day Mingyu leaves Korea arrives, and you wake up that morning with a sickeningly nauseated feeling deep in your stomach. Your parents had offered you a ride with them to the airport to send your step-brother off, but you turn them down, mumbling a half-hearted excuse about coming down with the flu.

While initially disappointed that you aren’t going to be there, your mother sensed that something is awry (or rather, more awry than usual) between you and Mingyu, but chose to probe no further when you assured her that you’ve already said your goodbyes to each other the night before.

It isn’t a complete lie; Mingyu had felt the compulsive need to settle the things that were left unspoken between the both of you, and when both your parents had fallen asleep, he had come knocking on your door, very well aware that you would still be awake at this hour. Obviously, you wouldn’t be sleeping at all, not with conflicting thoughts and emotions running through your mind a mile a minute.

The sound of his knuckles rapping against your wooden door sends your heart jumping out of your throat, and you froze in your foetal position in bed.

“I know you’re awake,” he said with sadness lacing his voice. The same broken voice from that night. The voice you had prayed with all your might you’ll never hear again. “Please, I just want to talk to you.”

You had pressed your lips together, unable to muster the courage to open the door. At your silence, he let out a sigh.

“I want to talk to you,” he murmured, almost with resign, “Just as a brother.”

A brother… You had almost snorted in incredulity. After all the turmoil you both had went through, the emotions he had bestowed upon you, the fiery sensations from that night that still lingers in your dreams, he still wanted to simply refer to himself as your goddamned brother?

“I know, I was a terrible older brother to you, I know I don’t deserve to talk to you now, but please listen.” As if your body had a mind of its own, you found yourself sitting against the door, your back pressed up against the cool wood. Your head tilted back and rested against it with a soft bump, and you wondered if he was doing the same.

His despair was potent and seemed to permeate through the door and overwhelm you. “I’m leaving tomorrow,” he began, as though knowing that you’re already alert and listening to his every word. “I’m leaving for another continent, and I don’t know when I will be coming back.”

His words did nothing but send another wave of agony coursing through your body, and it took all you could to remain silent.

“All I ask of you is that you take good care of yourself,” he said. “Please, eat well, sleep well and stay healthy. College life isn’t going to be any easier than high school, but I know you’ve matured enough to make your own rational decisions. I know you’ll shine in school.” Those words, though encouraging, sounds forced and laced with a heavy tone that dragged the entire atmosphere down. “And if I’m not at home, you’ll have to be there for mom and dad. They get lonely really easily.”

And what about me? How am I going to eat or sleep well, if all I ever think about right at every moment is you, bastard?

He stopped talking, leaving his words hanging in the air and ringing in your ears. You lowered your head, tucking it in between your knees, hoping to block out the rushing sounds of blood in your ears.

“Fuck,” he suddenly cursed, “I can’t do this…”

You barely had the time to wonder about his sudden change in behaviour before the hard thumping of presumably his fists colliding with the ground has you jumping out of your skin.

“I’m sorry,” he had said abruptly. “What happened back last week, I know you want to forget about it all. But I simply can’t. Shit, I’d do anything to forget that because it hurts so fucking much thinking about it. It hurts to think that we’ve left things like this. It hurts that we can’t even talk to each other anymore. It hurts that we just have to keep pretending that we can’t possibly love each other…”

And his voice cracked, leaving broken sobs in the wake of his words. You could hardly keep yourself together as well, his emotions effectively reflecting your own as clearly as if you were looking at a mirror. What kind of sin would the both of you had committed to have landed yourselves in a fucked up position like this one? Neither of you deserved this.

But you weren’t prepared for his next desperate utterings. “Please, it’s not too late. We can still make this work. I promise… I’ll take care of you, I won’t let anyone tear us apart--”

“Stop it, right there,” you had blurted out before you can stop yourself, a cathartic mixture of rage and grief engulfing your mind completely shrouding any coherent thoughts in your brain. “Kim Mingyu, I already told you that we can’t do this. There’s no way that this can work.”

“We’ll find a way,” he insisted, with renewed vigour as he finally heard your response, your voice for the first time in a whole week. “We’ll talk to our parents, we’ll get help from our friends, I’ll stay in Korea!”

“No, you won’t!” you snapped back, shooting back up on your feet, “Listen to yourself right now! Do you even understand what you’re saying? You’re giving up so much; so many students out there would kill for a scholarship like yours. There’s so much in the future in store for you, there’s dad’s company you’re set to inherit, there’s all of your friends… You’re willing to give all of that up for what? A measly relationship?”

Even though the door’s obstructing your view of Mingyu, you could see how his eyes darken in your mind’s eye. “There’s nothing measly about the way I feel about you, you know that.”

He softened and you heard the way his fingers drag across the wood of the door. “Is this really what you feel? Do you really think that what we had meant this little to me?”

Of course you didn’t, shuddering as you recalled all the fiery sensations Mingyu had given you that night. “Mingyu…” you dropped your voice to a whisper. “I can’t ruin your life the same way I ruined mine before. You’ll regret this.”

“I won’t,” he pleaded. “I’ve never wanted anything more for the past thirteen years. If you give me the chance, I’ll protect you, I’ll give you the happiness you deserve.”

There he went with his delusional thoughts again… and the way they influenced you to believe in him. Maybe, he can fulfill that: he can bring you happiness, he can take care of you. You want to be with him. You want to take his hand, run away and never look back. But alas, as tempting as it sounds, you’d be a fool to believe him. Try as you both might, there will never be a future. He’s too perfect, his future is blindingly bright; how selfish would you have to be to bring him down like that? Who were you do dull his shining potential?

You couldn’t allow it, and despite the painful sensations crushing against your ribs and rendering you almost breathless, you had to do what needed to be done. “Mingyu, I said this before and I’m going to say this again… No, don’t do this.”

And then silence ensued, so deep yet so deafening, as Mingyu finally swallowed your words. Every hair in your limbs stood on end as you waited for his response.

“Will you be there tomorrow?”

Such despondency, such defeat in five simple words, so poignant you felt all of your defences crumbling into a messy heap with one fell swoop. But you force yourself to eke out the following words: “I think it’s best if we don’t see each other, for the both of us.”

“Then…” A long pause, as though he was contemplating his words. “can you at least open the door, to let me look at you for the last time? Please?”

That, you absolutely couldn’t do. You feared heavily that one look into his imploring eyes would make you retract every statement you’ve forced out, would make you fall into his warm, inviting arms and forget about every sin and mistake you’ve committed.

“That… wouldn’t be a good idea, Mingyu,” you choked out like it was your last breath.

“I see.” You can barely hear his voice anymore. “Take care of yourself, then.”

“I will, oppa.”

You wondered if he had managed to hear you utter that one term of endearment for the first time in years, because the next things you hear are the dull clumps of his feet against the plywood, growing fainter, and fainter as he strode away from you.

At least he wouldn’t be able to hear the shattering sob that ruptured out of your chest that had you sliding down the walls in utmost despair. Pulling your legs close to your chest, you cried yourself to sleep, curled up by the door like the loathsome, vile creature you know you are, unworthy of any attention, pity or love.

And so as the morning comes, you can only listen to the roar of the car at the driveway, the car that will take Mingyu away from your life forever.

After finding you in your current desolate state, your mother had wrapped you up in your quilt, and had left the door open, perhaps as an open invitation for you in case you change your mind. But you know that you neither had the strength nor willpower to get up anymore.

Wallowing in your own self pity, you writhe deeper into your sheets. It hasn’t even been minutes, but you’re already feeling lonelier than ever. You draw in a deep breath until your lungs ache, then let the air out shakily. If only the negative thoughts cluttering your mind could be gotten rid off as easily as exhaling.

You wonder if you should just fall back asleep, the bottle of sleeping pills by your nightstand suddenly looking so tempting to your eyes. You won’t know when you’d awaken again, but it is better than allowing the wound in your heart to fester. Before you know it, your fingers close around the small, plastic bottle, and you pop two white pills onto your hand.

“All I ask is for you to take care of yourself…”

It hasn’t even been a whole day since, but you’re already going back on the one promise you made to him.

I’m sorry, Mingyu, but I want to get rid of these feelings. Your eyes squeeze shut us you roll the sinful capsules in your steadily sweating palm.  Just two will do. You wouldn’t want to hurt yourself more than necessary; you needed just enough to knock you out for the next few hours.

Your heart is pounding so loudly in your ears, you can’t hear opening and closing of your front door. Your mind made, you tilt your head back to drop the pills into your mouth. The bitter tang of the medication spreads through the base of your tongue and almost makes you gag, but you force yourself to swallow anyway.

But even the pills disobey you, getting stubbornly caught at the back of your dry throat without anything to wash them down. As a result, you choke and retch, doubling over in utter disgust with yourself.

“Hey, babe? Where you at-- Oh my god, spit that out!”

Your mind too thick with dense fog, you barely see the blurry figure dashing into your room in panic. Within seconds the newcomer has one arm fastened across your chest while the other is repeatedly tapping against your back. Hacking violently, you manage to dislodge the medicine, leaving two powdery lumps in your wake.

Completely spent and haggard, you feel yourself get dragged back onto the bed, chest heaving heavily from the ordeal.

“How could you, babe? I was so worried!” You get yanked into a skinny but warm embrace, the pounding in your head ceasing just enough for you to recognise the newcomer’s voice. “Are you okay? Please talk to me…”

“Ji...hyun?” you stutter out confusedly, feebly pulling yourself out of your friend’s arms. “W-what are you doing here?”

“I came here as soon as he called me. Your…” The girl in front of you nervously shifts her eyes, as though contemplating on her word use, “... brother called me before he left. Said you were alone at home, told me to come over to take care of you and make sure you were okay. And… oh god…” She breaks off once she notices your freshly fallen tears.

Mingyu still cared. Even after your constant rejection, your constant avoidance, the final blow you’ve delivered to him last night… He still cared. The emotions you had struggled so hard to repress finally reach a breaking point and before you know it, your eyes and nose burn up and you’re crying again. Your hands find a death grip on the cloth on your chest, squeezing it until your knuckles turn pale and tremble as though it’s the only thing keeping you together.

“Oh baby,” Jihyun sighs, gently cupping your face between her small hands. Her thumb smears away the wet droplets on your cheeks before she pulls you into her bosom. “It’s okay, just cry it out. I’m here for you.”

You almost feel ashamed of yourself. You hate this, you hate feeling like this, you hate yourself, and you want to hate Mingyu for making you feel like this. But yet…

“I love him, Jihyun,” you sob into her chest. “I love him. I love him so fucking much.”

“I know baby, I know you do...” she murmurs sympathetically, one hand softly cradling the back of your head. You are pretty sure your tears are soaking through her expensive branded clothes by now, but she makes no move to let you go. “He loves you too, you know?”

You can’t trust your voice anymore, opting to shake your head miserably instead. No, you don’t deserve him. You’re not worthy for his love. “It’s true,” she insists. “I had to admit, I was caught off-guard by the truth last week, and I never got a chance to ask you about it because you both left so quickly that night. But you know what that crazy bastard Mingyu did?”

At that last sentence, you tilt your head up curiously, staring at your best friend through the sheen of moisture in your eyes. “He came back and pleaded to talk to me. He wanted to clear everything up and explain your situation. He told me about Donghyuk and why he had to act out like that, he told me… what happened after you left. He told me all about his feelings for you, hoping that I would be able to understand your plight and not blame you for anything.”

It is like your chest had just been squeezed through a wringer, your lungs constricting so much that you can barely breathe between your cries. Jihyun rubs a soothing hand down your back in circular motions. “It was a lot for me to take in at first, but I do know one thing: Mingyu really, really does love you. And you love him back now, don’t you?”

You are torn between a nod and a shake of your head, so you can only pathetically tighten the hold you have on your best friend.

“He’s too good for me,” you manage to wheeze out. “We can never be together.”

Jihyun’s embrace abruptly cuts off as she suddenly grips you by your shoulders. “You listen to me now, missy. No, he’s not too good for you. No one’s too good for you. You deserve him as much as he deserves you, do you hear me?!” The words were spoken with such harsh conviction, it sends a blow straight through your head. Something that could be equivalent to an epiphany hits you like a truck. Is Jihyun right? Just five simple sentences. That was all it took to send you reeling back into reality.

Your mouth falls open and you stare at her, dumbstruck by this revelation.

Jihyun watches you ponder over her words, and she flashes you a knowing, motherly smile while her hand props your fallen jaw back up to its proper place. “It’s not too late, you know… You can still get to say your goodbyes.”

“C-Cab,” you stupidly mumble, clumsily clambering back up onto your feet. “I need to get a cab, now!” It’s not too late… It’s not too late! His flight is scheduled to take off an hour from now. If you hurry, you might just be able to catch up with him.

But the metallic tinkling of keys catches your attention, and you look up to see your best friend holding a set of keys up with a smirk.

“You tell me now,” she winks. “Exactly how many broken traffic laws is this man worth?”

Jihyun’s motorcycle screeches to a halt by the curb of the airport amongst a chorus of noisy car honks and disapproving shouts from other vehicles, but you can’t care less. Muttering a quick ‘thank you’ to Jihyun, you all but throw your helmet onto the gravel pavement, bolting towards the departure hall like your life depends on it.

It must have been a strange sight to behold, a girl with a messy bun of hair dressed in nothing but an oversized white sleeping shirt and a pair of boxers in the middle of an airport, but you disregard all the stares and whispers, your mind fixated on one thing and one thing only.

Your lungs are burning, your legs are screaming in protest, and your body is completely exhausted from yesterday and today, yet you continued to shove yourself past the crowd with unbridled strength, desperate to find him.

Oh my god, where is he?!

You push your way to the entrance of the departure hall, recognising his flight number displayed on the screen all too well. You stand on your toes, trying to find Mingyu amongst the crowd of passengers, forcing yourself to suppress the mounting panic rising like bile up your throat. No, it can’t be. I can’t be too late. He couldn’t have left. He couldn’t have left you just like that!

But what you can only describe as utter euphoria spreads through your body like an electrical current when you see a tall figure sticking out amongst the masses, his favourite matte black cap and trenchcoat all too familiar to your eyes. Though you’ve spent thirteen years with him, this is the first time seeing him this sullen and lifeless, his back drooping with the weight of the world.

From the other side of the gate, you watch helplessly as he stands in the queue in front of the check-in counter, knowing fully well that he wouldn’t ever be able to turn around once he crosses that barrier. Every cell in your body screams at you to call out to him, but standing in front of a pair of formidable looking security guards blocking the gates, you can only watch him shuffle closer and closer towards the counter. You’ve lost your chance to reconcile. You’ll never be able to see him again, and you can never bring yourself to look at him ever again either, thoroughly ashamed of what you had done to him.

“Mingyu…” Your whisper comes out piteous and broken.

But to your amazement, standing next in line at the check-in counter, Mingyu pauses and turns around, like he had heard you. He sweeps his eyes across the hall, as though searching… waiting for someone, his dull eyes having a tint of hopefulness in them which steels your resolve.

And you do what you never thought you’d do.

Darting in between the two security guards, you sprint into the departure hall. The subsequent caterwauling from the surrounding crowd is nothing compared to the thrashing and hammering of your heart.

“KIM MINGYU!”

His name flies out of your mouth on its own accord, and floored by your own actions, you skid to a stop in the middle of the hall. Your knees are in the verge of buckling under the tremendous amount of emotions, you are sweating icy cold bullets, and you thought that you are going to pass out, but you miraculously remain standing with your chin up high.

Kim Mingyu stares back at you, his eyes blown wide, every muscle of his stiff and motionless. The other passengers break into curious whispers, casting you borderline irritated glances. You suck in a shaky breath, your fingers unwittingly curling into fists behind your back.

“Am I too late?” you softly breathe out.

Time seems to crawl by as Mingyu takes the longest two seconds of your life to drink in your words.

Then he drops everything in his hands.

“Oh fuck this,” is the only thing you hear coming out of him before he closes the distance in between the both of you in three lengthy strides and proceeds to crush his lips against yours. At that moment, everything disappears: the people, the guards hollering at you, the entire airport dissipates into nothingness. In you mind’s eye, it is only the two of you. All air escapes your system and you feel like you’re literally floating in air out of pure elation as his body molds into yours perfectly once again. This is where you are truly meant to be; in his arms. You’re thrown back to that fateful night with the sheer amount of passion in his kiss. Except now, it’s different. You’re no longer rejecting his affections. You want him, you want to be with him. And feeling the way he smiles against your lips, you know he’s feeling the same way.

Feeling lightheaded and giddy, you finally pull away to catch your breath, only to be met with Mingyu’s blindingly shining eyes. “You came,” he says. “You finally came.”

“Of course I did,” you reply with a shy turn of your head, embarrassed by the sheer magnitude of the grin that threatens to break across your face. Your body still held between his arms, he throws his head back and lets out a short laugh of both delight and disbelief. “Please tell me this isn’t a dream.”

You soften, feeling the tinge of guilt again for putting him through this much emotional suffering. To reassure him, you lift a hand and placed it on his cheek. “I’m sorry I’m so late,” you tell him. “But I’m here now. I love you, Mingyu.”

Yet another melodious bout of laughter escapes his lips as he leans into your touch. How long he must have waited, you realise, to have been able to hear those three words coming from your mouth. “I love you,” you repeat, hoping to compensate for lost time. “I love you, Kim Mingyu.”

His grip around your body impossibly tightens. “Oh god,” he sighs, about to pull you in for another mind-blowing kiss but you are both interrupted by the announcer on the PA system.

“Passengers bound for Pennsylvania, America, are to report to their boarding gates. The flight will take off at ten-thirty.”

The both of you turn to meet each other’s gazes, suddenly dragged back down into reality. Mingyu’s eyes dart between the check-in counter and you, and you can sense the amount of conflict whirling in his mind. “Come with me,” he breathes out. “Come to America. We can start a life there. Or… Or I’ll stay in Korea. We… we can-”

“Mingyu,” you giggle, bringing your other hand to the other side of his face, prompting him to look directly into your eyes. “It’s okay, you can go to America.”

He flinches at your words, as though he has never expected those words to come from you. “But-”

“I’ll wait for you, Mingyu,” you assure him. “It’s okay, I’m just really glad I got the chance to talk to you before you left for America.”

He frowns, a shadow of pain flickering across his irises. “So, nothing’s changed? We still won’t be together.”

At that, you immediately shake your head. “Everything’s changed, Mingyu. Sure, we are still separated, but we won’t be avoiding each other anymore, we won’t live in lies anymore. We can still talk to each other. You can come back during your breaks, I’ll come visit during mine. It’s We’ll find a way to make this work, I promise.” You echo the words he said to you before. “I know it’s not going to be easy for us, but we’ll be okay, Mingyu.”

“I don’t know when I’ll be back,” he confesses. “It could take three years, maybe four.”

“You waited for thirteen years, Mingyu,” you try to lightheartedly say despite the aching in your heart, “I think it’s time I reciprocate.” In response, he squeezes your hand tight in his. “But I’ll miss you so much.”

“I will too.” You press your head against his rapidly beating chest. “We’ll be okay, Mingyu. I know we will.”

Mingyu cradles your head lovingly, and you both take in the sight of each other, neither of you quite willing to pull away. “I love you,” he says again, but you know that you’ll never be tired of hearing that.

With the last, heartfelt kiss of farewell, you feel the strings that had suffocated you for the past week come completely undone, dissolving like dew in the morning sun. Even when he returns to his spot in the check-in counter and you’re rudely shoved out of the departure hall by the more-than-disgruntled guards, you can’t help but draw in a breath of pure happiness.

There are more trials and tribulations to come as a result of the decision you both have made. Your relationship will be difficult, tumultuous even. This is only the beginning of your struggles. Yet, as you him disappear amongst the crowd of passengers, looking brighter than you’ve ever seen him before...

You feel free.

[anhed-nia]

once every week, i have to have a half hour meeting with my boss to discuss recent developments, ongoing projects, etc. a few weeks ago, he changed our regular time slot to first thing in the morning. this was absolutely great for me, because whenever i have this meeting, i spend every moment leading up to it in a state of low grade fear and paranoia, trying to script every second of it in my mind and make sure it fills as close to 30 minutes as possible. some people have bad bosses, people who insult them, embarrass them in front of clients or colleagues, or generally harass or exploit them. my boss isn’t that psychologically violent, at least to me. he appears to genuinely believe that everything he does is aimed at positive growth for both his reports and the company. in spite of that, or sometimes because of it, he’s completely impossible to deal with.

my first unresolvable problem is, why am i spending so much time with him? in a typical week, we have a half hour department meeting where i discuss my team’s current issues, a half hour interdepartmental meeting where i can address anything extra for my team that’s outside the bounds of the other meeting, a half hour team meeting to which he has a standing invitation, and finally, our half hour tete a tete where i regurgitate all the things i said in at least 2 out of the 3 other meetings. this week, because we missed last week, he has rescheduled last friday’s one-on-one for today, meaning that we’ll have this meeting right before the department meeting, and then aNOTHer one-on-one in 48 hours. even when our 1-1s are more appropriately isolated, they always feel like an especially cold blind date, or a visit with a relative who doesn’t even like you but feels entitled to your time and attention anyway. yes i realize it’s fucked up for me to conflate the two, but i gotta be real. you say a bunch of rote shit that the person already knows from your profile or whatever, and they invent some forced questions to ask about you, and they find some ill-fitting way to make it seem like your personal items are actually relevant to them, and then you sort of drift off, and if you’re me, spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if you said the right things, even though you don’t actually have any investment in the relationship.

the second problem is, this guy has nothing to offer me. he doesn’t really understand how my job works, but he still has opinions on how it SHOULD work, based on his experience at a totally different company. if i invite him to offer suggestions, he always glibly points me to some documentation that i’ve already read and already told him doesn’t relate to my tasks or responsibilities. on one occasion, after i’d essentially built my whole job out of thin air because what else could i do in this situation, he actually claimed that he had refused to provide me with any guidance ON PURPOSE, i guess in some sort of demented sink-or-swim experiment? the implication was that he’s a really smart boss for insidiously forging me in this way, which i found pretty insulting.

the third problem is that if he DOES decide to get involved with something i’m doing, it’s a total disaster, because of his aforementioned ignorance about how things actually work around here vs how they worked at his previous gig. a friend of mine’s grandmother likes to say, “if i have a problem, well, that’s just one problem. but if i tell your grandfather, then i have TWO problems.” that’s a pretty good description of my daily experience here. i’ll show him some math on how long something we’ve never done before MIGHT take us to finish, and then he’ll do his own math, and still reserve the right to be outraged when i can’t force things to go according to his entirely abstract plans. if i express concern that we’re going to lose some of our regular work to technological changes, he’ll go around finding things for us to do that don’t make any sense for my team’s actual responsibilities. he always frames these proposals as “what do you think? it’s up to you!” but if we refuse, with carefully constructed reasons, he ignores us and re-proposes until it becomes clear that he’s already made a decision for us, and “what do you think? it’s up to you!” is just some sort of distracting rhetorical formality. if i’m naive enough to let him know about a recent issue that we resolved successfully by ourselves, he makes me backtrack through it and comes up with all sorts of snippy alien arguments about it until our hard work either risks being undone, or is actually negated—the former case can be somewhat worse, since the only result is a huge waste of time predicated on a “problem” that is already dead and buried. sometimes i wish he would learn to keep things to himself in such cases, but it’s not really that much more comforting when he suddenly reveals that he’s been silently angry with me for something i did three months ago, that he opted not to address. other times the problem is the inverse, that he doesn’t respond properly to active, explicit discussion, like when i complete a project with my team for my team’s particular use, and no matter how many times i show him the results and what we use them for, he stubbornly maintains the delusion that we’ve just been diagonally leeching off of another team’s similar project for the last year. sometimes our differences could be resolved if he were just clearer about WHY he thinks what he thinks: for instance, when he asks me the same question every week for a month and i keep giving him the same answer, i naturally assume he’s just not paying attention, so it’s upsetting when he finally reveals that he’s been cross-referencing my answer with someone else’s and finding holes in my work that he has refused to reveal to me, thus refusing me an opportunity to improve what i’m doing, depriving the company of a better quality of output, etc.

what i’m trying to say is, i don’t wanna talk to this guy, ever, for any reason. it doesn’t improve my actual work, and it makes me even more uncomfortable at this dumb job than i actually need to be based on all of its other native problems.   i’ve been here for seven years, and my circumstances right now SHOULD make my worklife relatively painless, allowing me to go home at the end of the day feeling like a person, but instead there is now a part of my brain with no off switch, that does absolutely nothing but wonder about what’s going to happen the next time i talk to this guy, and how i’m going to minimize the damage to myself and my reports, if at all possible. i’m fully aware that in changing jobs, i could just as easily wind up with some sneering, bigoted, ass-pinching nightmare person, leaving me totally overworked and overtly terrorized, but i guess no matter what your life is like, it’s hard to feel grateful for whatever is usually the worst part of your day.

[jackblankhsh]

Wise Fool:  Steak Lady, and Strawberry Jelly

Giving advice is a tricky thing.  Does one base recommendations on personal experience, or empirical research? Perhaps a careful amalgamation of the two, but even that balanced approach leaves open the worry of how to tell if advice is actually any good.  Though the most important question is why am I giving advice?

 Ever since high school people have come to me for advice.  Why?  I have no idea.  The best guess I can manage is that many people vent their problems in the form of a question. They aren't actually seeking advice, just asking for it in order to indirectly bring up a particular issue.  The main reason I say that is because most people don't need advice, they need someone to support the idea they already have in mind.  

 See, if you end up in a situation because of the choices you've made it's hard to listen to yourself since whatever dilemma you're facing feels like your fault.  In a bad relationship?  You got yourself in it, so can you really trust your idea how to get out of it?  Of course you can, but it doesn't hurt to have a voice outside your head saying, "Do what you think is right."  

 And yes, there are certainly occasions where folks have personal problems which make it hard for them to trust their own inner Abby (i.e. social anxiety, depression, alcoholism, etc.); however, that's why I said "most people."  Yet, even those genuinely seeking advice aren't looking for someone to tell them what to do.  They're looking for options they can't see because of mental blinders.  

 All that said, I also know I have the reputation of being that person who will say your girlfriend is annoying, your boyfriend is cheating on you, and if your Pops beats you, well, he's gotta sleep sometime, and when he does you wail on him with a bat until he's paralyzed.  Other side of that coin, I rarely take things seriously which means bringing a thin silver thread to many situations:  the upside to chemotherapy is that you'll save money not having to get haircuts {rimshot}.  Hey, sometimes people need a laugh more than advice.  

 As such, it recently came up among friends that I should try my hand at the question-and-answer column.  So here we go.

 #

 "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't..."

-- Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life

 Dear Wise Fool,

 Today I was cleaning my apartment (ok really it was more like collecting dishes around the apartment and putting it in the sink to pretend I'm not actually a garbage person). As a reward for not being total garbage, I ate a big steak (yes, that's it because I can't cook much else) and I realized that I am currently a 30 year old single woman living like a 26 year post-college man.  Should I be worried?

 Sincerely,

Steak Lady

 Dear Steak Lady,

 First off, how you clean your apartment is between you and whatever tasty conception of divinity you embrace, whether it be original recipe Jesus, or kaiseki Shinto -- Shinto:  the Asian faith Westerners haven't co-opted (praise Kukulkan).  The point being:  at least make sure there's a path.  To where? Preferably one exit, but try for the bathroom, bed, and/or fridge.  These can serve as game trails for hunting rats if you ever wake up in a maze of your own filth, unable to leave the apartment, feeding on whatever critters live in the clutter as well as the naive deliver personnel who foolishly wander inside.

 Second, hell yeah reward steak.  You should always treat yourself when you accomplish tasks, especially the ones you don't want to do.  Rewards are incentives.  You're more likely to do something again if your brain is under the impression there's some kind of pleasurable cause and effect.  After all, no one would have sex if it felt like getting gut punched... some might, but that's another topic.

 As to your main concern, the real question is are you comfortable with your situation?  So many people try to contort their lives based on the misconception that by a certain point in life a person should be at point {blank}, as if life is lived according to timetables.  If at 30 you're living like a post-college 26 year old man, worry should only exist if you can't pay your bills, the CDC has quarantined your apartment, or the homeless see you on the street and give you change. Life is all about finding a comfortable groove.  Some folks spend their whole existence struggling to achieve that, and many often don't.

 Yet, keep in mind that human existence is incredibly malleable.  The fact you're expressing concerns suggests a worry perhaps there are things this lifestyle is preventing you from doing.  If that's the case then make changes.  I recommend eating that steak with a knife and fork to start.  The barehanded, tooth and claw method of most mid-twenty males is appealing, and saves on dishwashing, but embracing some of civilization's innovations is a good way to start appreciating life from a different angle.  Think of a new routine like a new outfit.  Try it on, and if it doesn't feel right, you can always hang it up in the closet to show people, "See, I wore that once.  Didn't like it.  Who wants a handful of ice cream?"

 Ultimately, I say if you're comfortable then stick with how you're living until it isn't making you happy.  Don't let the apartment get too junky because your surroundings can affect your mood -- cleaning up a bit can provide a sense of accomplishment on otherwise unproductive days.  (I'm speaking from experience on that last bit.)  The truth is life has no settings, certainly nothing permanent.  This may be how you're living now, but in a few years everything might've changed without you even doing a thing.  Just remember, whatever happens, to keep yourself open to possibilities and be as happy as possible... because you'll be dead one day, and your concern on that occasion won't be the dirty dishes on the shelf. Live the way that makes you happy -- no meth, I can't stress that enough -- and if you aren't happy then make changes.

 Respectfully,

Wise Fool

 P.S.  here's a simple bachelor grade recipe to augment that steak:

 Ingredients:

One can Campbell's chicken rice soup.

One jar salsa.

Minute rice.

Shredded cheese of your choice.

Tortillas.

 Directions:

Pour soup into pot.  Refill empty can with minute rice, pour into pot; refill empty can with water, pour into pot.  Bring to boil.  Cover and reduce heat to simmer.  Let sit five minutes.

 Cute steak into strips.  Fry in pan. When nearing desired temperature (i.e. medium rare) add rice and desired amount of salsa to pan.  Stir, heating until bubbling.

 Serve on tortillas with desired amount of cheese sprinkled on top.  Heat of meal will melt the cheese.

 Serves:  1 to make-your-own-ya-want-some.

 #

 Dear Wise Fool,

 My friend wants to know if strawberry jelly is actually a lubricant.

 Sincerely,

Asking for a friend who isn't me

 Dear "Friend" of a Jelly pervert,

 I take all the questions I'm asked with the seriousness of a surgeon about to crack open a child's skull, and scoop out brain cancer.  So when I saw this inquiry I knew better than to assume this might be a strictly sexually inclined question.  

 In that regard the answer is no.  If your "friend" is attempting to lube anything mechanical with strawberry jelly you can safely categorize them using the taxon dim fuck wit.  All their suggestions regarding anything mechanical should henceforth be taken with a pinch of salt, by which I mean blow a pinch of salt in their eye whenever they start spouting dim fuck wit nonsense.  

 However, sexually speaking the question becomes a shade more complicated.  Strawberry jelly can be used as a playful alternative to conventional sex lubes, but if used as such should only be applied externally. Greasy up a dick about to plunge into a hole is not a good idea.  Just because something can safely go in your stomach doesn't mean it can healthily enter other orifices.  Swords are one example.  Speaking of which, if I stabbed you, and started pouring honey in the wound (I hope) you wouldn't think, "Well, at least now I'm full of sweetness."  Obviously you already were full of sweetness otherwise I wouldn't have stabbed you with a maple tap.  But I digress... the point is strawberry jelly isn't meant for internal use. It contains sugar which can foster a variety of infections, and even a minimal amount of stickiness will only be counterproductive.  

 Your "friend" would be better off investigating the myriad varieties of strawberry flavored lubricants designed specifically for sexual purposes.  Like those intended to mitigate the unpleasant flavors stemming from ass to mouth.  Yet, I don't wish to discourage anyone from enjoying experimentation.  For instance, if slathering your lady's vagina with strawberry jelly like a piece of dry toast is the only way you can enjoy eating it then by all means let that jelly loose.  

 To recap:  is strawberry jelly lubricant?

 Not for anything mechanical you dim fuck wit.  However, it can be a playful addition to external sexy sex sexiness.  

 Hungry for toast,

Wise Fool

 #

 If you, or your friends, or "friends" have any questions they'd like answered, write to honestyisnotcontagious (AT) hotmail.com.  In the subject line please write WISE FOOL: {your alias}, so we don't filter it into trash.  We want to decide if it's trash.  Remember to keep things anonymous.  Also be aware, any advice is just a suggestion.  Ultimately, and for legal reasons, what you do is what you choose to do. Additionally, though your questions will be regarded seriously they will be answered with varying degrees of sarcasm in the interest of humor.