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sadeswrites · 3 months

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Out for Smokes

Commission Story for moikheck on Instagram/Twitter

Heavy flakes of snow momentarily stuck to the living room window before melting against the warm glass. Josh barely paid them any attention as he sat on the couch. All light had been extinguished except for the sole lamp seated on the end table next to him. He was deep into rereading the third book in his favorite series, and not even the sounds of the furnace blasting could draw his attention away. He couldn’t stay up much longer, as it was a school night, but he allowed himself one last chapter.

Footsteps broke the unseen tension in the room, created by loud boots connecting with the old wood frame of the staircase to the second floor. Tom appeared from the entryway, layered under thick winter clothing. He reached into the coat closet beneath the stairs, stirring up enough noise to finally break Josh’s focus.

“Here, Josh, take this.” Tom lobbed the coat his way, which covered the book in his hands.

“What? Why?”

“I’ve gotta head to the gas station real quick for a pack of cigs, and Mom said to take you with.”

An exasperated sigh left his lungs. “I’m good. Mom says your smoking is a bad habit, and I don’t want to go. I’m almost done with this chapter.”

“I understand, but I don’t think she’ll like that answer.”

“Is she having an episode again?”

“Yeah.”

“You could have led with that.”

Josh carefully set the book down, doing his best to remember the page he’d left on, and slipped effortlessly into the coat. Then he threw on some sandals and joined Tom out the front door.

The biting wind immediately hit him. It whistled across the yard and through the pine trees that lined the road, carrying with it a sizable amount of snow. The pathway to Tom’s rusting red truck was buried under six inches of the stuff.

“Hold on, I need to get different shoes.”

“Jesus, Josh. Come on.”

He stepped inside, threw on a pair of boots much larger than his own feet, and rejoined his older brother. Together, they made it to the sputtering vehicle, and he reached for the passenger door.

“Absolutely not,” Tom said. “Backseat.”

“But Mom lets me sit—”

“But I’m not Mom, and right now, you’re my responsibility. Backseat.”

Josh did as instructed, taking his spot in the back passenger seat. His brother turned the key in the bucket of rust, which struggled to start. He seemed more frustrated than usual, but Josh knew better than to prod about it. Things had been rough lately.

“Is it going to be safe to drive in this weather?”

“Yeah, it’ll be fine. The truck has driven through worse. We’ll just need to take it real slow. Our five minute trip to the gas station will probably actually be ten.”

“Ten minutes? I should’ve brought my book.”

“Play with the toys back there, then.”

“These are baby toys. I’m too old for them. I haven’t played with these in years.”

“Then don’t. I don’t care.”

The words hung in the air for a while as he slowly backed out of the driveway, making sure that there weren’t any other cars dumb enough to be out in the blizzard.

“Sorry, bub. I don’t mean that. I’m just in a bad mood.”

“I know.”

“How was school today?”

“It was alright. Today was the book fair.”

“Did you get anything?”

“No. I haven’t gotten my allowance in a month.”

“Oh. Sorry. I spaced it. Is there another book fair day?”

“Yeah, they’re still doing it tomorrow, but all the smelly pencils are gone.”

“Remind me when we get home. I’ll get you your allowance.”

The road, which was already buried under snow and in abysmal condition, was made worse by the impossibly low visibility threatening to run them off course. He pounded the dashboard once or twice when the engine made some weird noises, but they remained quiet for a few minutes until his headlights dimmed.

“No! Come on!”

He pounded his horn and carefully worked the brakes, bringing the truck to a full break right as it died.

“What happened?”

Instead of answering, his brother buried his head in his hands. He remained motionless for a long time, and Josh thought he could hear a sniffle. Only when the threat of the cold leaking into the vehicle greeted their skin did he pull his head away.“It’s alright. The battery died is all. We have a jumping kit back home, so I’m gonna go grab that. Stay bundled. I won’t be long.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Just have a long run ahead. Give me fifteen minutes. Do not leave the car for any reason.”

“Okay.”

His brother quickly opened and slammed the door shut and immediately ran in the opposite direction, leaving Josh in the silence of the dead truck with nothing to do but think and shiver. It was essentially pitch black outside except for the snow caking against his window. As the cold encroached, he slipped his arms out of the sleeves of his coat and against his chest, trying to conserve the heat.

Sixteen minutes of sitting in the cold, thinking about the cold, and ultimately wanting to not be cold passed before his brother appeared at the truck, opened the driver side door, popped the hood, and set up the jumping kit, which had its own heavy battery. Then he came back inside the truck while the device charged up.

“Did you happen to grab my book?” Josh asked.

“I was a little preoccupied trying to make sure you didn’t freeze to death out here. So no, I didn’t grab your book.”

The cold, which he’d now become accustomed to, had infiltrated the entire vehicle, clinging to his cheeks and nose. Waiting for the truck to start was excruciating, made more so by the fact that it took three tries and ten total minutes to get it restarted. The heat returning was more than welcome, and he pressed his hands to the vents as Tom went to retrieve the jumping kit.

“Okay. We’re good to go now. Just a quick trip. We’re almost there.”

“I’m getting tired.”“I know, dude. We’re almost there. Then you can go to bed, alright?”

After a little slipping on the road, he got the truck moving again, and slowly the lights of the town outskirts appeared in view, dim at first against the torrent of snow. Josh watched the buildings crawl by, all with lights and signs mostly off. There still wasn’t a single other car on the road.

Tom slammed his hand on the steering wheel. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“What?”

“They’d better be open right now. They have to be.”

They pulled into the parking lot right out front, and Josh watched as his brother strained hopelessly against the glass doors of the gas station. They didn’t budge. He kicked the brick wall, turned, opened his truck door, got in, and slammed it shut before resting his head on the wheel.

Finally, he let out a cry. It started low at first, but before long, he was sobbing. Josh didn’t know what to do, so he sat there as his older brother let out his emotions.

When it didn’t stop a minute or two in, Josh finally spoke up. “Is everything okay, Tom?”

His brother looked up, eyes puffy. “No, bub. Everything’s not okay. It’s Mom. She...” He coughed and wiped his nose.

“Did it happen?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it happened. She, uh... was having another one of her episodes. It was a long one. And then she looked at me. Looked at me. Do you remember the last time she was able to do that? And she smiled. And that was it. That was... she was... she’s gone now.”

His brother’s voice shook, and Josh didn’t fully understand what was happening, but he did know what his brother meant.“Is she safe now?”

“Yeah, buddy. She’s safe. No more seizures. No more episodes. No more pain. I didn’t want you to see her while I was going out for smokes. That’s why I made you come with. Sorry it was a waste of time. It’s your bedtime. Let’s get you home.”

“Okay.”

Tom threw the truck in reverse, and at the same speed they’d arrived, he scooted through the town. It all felt a lot darker. A lot colder. Once they’d hit the tree line that bordered the town, the feelings only magnified.

“Did Mom love us?”

“Yeah, she does—she did. Why?”

“Because she wasn’t very nice.”

His older brother looked at him through the rear-view mirror. “I know. Especially the past couple of weeks. But she did. She loved us as much as a mother could. She wasn’t trying to be mean. I don’t try to either. It’s just... there’s been a lot going on since Mom started having her episodes, and I’m doing my best. I’m sorry I haven’t been good to you. You don’t deserve it.”

“Okay.”

The trees abruptly reached their end, bringing them to the field near their house. In the spring, there were always corn or beans, and he remembered watching the crop duster planes fly by, spraying manure all over. The house stank for a week after, and it drove his mom nuts. Then fall and winter came, and the crops were always gone. One year, there was a section that hadn’t gotten harvested, and the corn froze and withered away.

“Did Dad love us?”

At first, his brother didn’t respond, and continued on to the house, which they were surely almost to by now. If only he could see anything out the window, he might be able to tell exactly where they were.

“Tom?”

“I know. I heard you. You know how Mom had issues?”

“Her episodes?”

“Yeah. Well, Dad had his own type of episodes. Except in his episodes, he was really mean. More than Mom. He hurt us. He hurt her, and he hurt you, and he hurt me.”

“What did we do?”

“Nothing. Especially you. You were too young. But he was a mean person.”

“What happened to him?”

“One day, during one of his episodes, he was being mean to you again. He was hurting you. And I got in the way, and I stopped him.”

“And then what?”

“That’s it. Now he can’t hurt you again. I kept you safe. I took care of it. Took care of you.”

“Okay.”

Finally, the house was in sight, and as they pulled into the driveway, Tom sat with the truck on, staring at the garage door. It was impossible for Josh to figure out what was going on in his head.

“Do you want to go see her?”

Josh thought about it for a moment. “Yeah.”

Tom turned the truck off, and they hopped out at the same time. Josh did his best to step in the spots where footprints had already flattened the snow, but still got some in his boots.

When they got inside, he took them off, dusted the snow from his feet, and then removed his coat. Tom led the way up the stairs, taking them slowly and softly. Josh was tired of slow and opted to run up them alongside and past his brother.

His mom’s room was all the way at the end of the upstairs hallway. Tom flipped the hall light on, and they approached the closed door.

He looked up at his older brother. “Is it scary in there?”

“I’m not sure, bub. Do you want to hold my hand?”

He answered by taking the outstretched hand, and together they pushed the door open. His mom was laying in bed, eyes closed. The machine next to her, which was usually beeping steadily, was now silent, its screen off. The tube that was wrapped around her mouth had remained.

As he approached his mom, he could feel tears coming. She was in a better place. A safe place, like Tom had said. She wouldn’t be in pain any longer. But he was still sad. He loved his mom.

Tom came up from behind and rubbed his back as he held his mom’s hand. It was cold, the way he felt when sitting in the truck all alone, waiting for his brother to get it restarted.

Maybe that’s what cold was: death. Cold kills the corn in the fields outside. Cold froze the air in his lungs while sitting in the truck. Cold even killed the truck battery. And now his mom was cold, and she would never wake up.

He stood by her side, crying for a long while. Tom sat down in the chair next to her bed and let out a shaky sigh. “I need to go make a call, buddy. After that, it’s going to be bedtime. You’ve gotta go to school tomorrow so you can get something at the book fair.”He reached into his pocket and grabbed his wallet, revealing a twenty and handing it to his younger brother. Then he stood up and left the room. Josh heard him talking to somebody, telling them his name and where they lived, and talking about their mom.

That’s when he noticed the cord of the machine wasn’t in the wall where it was supposed to be. He looped around the bed and plugged it back in. The machine beeped loudly in one long tone and flashed some warnings. His eyes moved to his mom’s, and he watched, hoping somehow they would open back up.

Tom reentered the room, phone down at his side. “Okay, Josh, time for bed now.”

“It didn’t work.”

“It’s alright. I’ll take care of it with the ambulance drivers. Go brush your teeth and get your pj’s on.”

“What do we do now?”

His older brother got down next to him and put his hands on his shoulders. “We’ll be okay. I’ll keep you safe. I’ll take care of you, just like I always have. But right now, I need you to go get around for bed. We’ll talk more after school.”

He ushered Josh out of the room and carefully closed the door behind them. The younger brother did as told, going through his routine, trying not to think too much about his mom in the other room. He said goodnight to his brother, who was pacing cross-armed down by the front door with his last cigarette in hand, and retreated to bed. He was still more than awake when the paramedics arrived half an hour later, but opted not to get out of bed to see them take his mom to the ambulance. A few minutes after that, Tom knocked on his door and cracked it open.

“Still up?”

“Yeah.”“No worries. I’m gonna struggle to sleep tonight, too. Here, I brought your book, in case you can’t get any rest. If you need something—anything—you can come knock on my door. I’ll be sleeping in my room tonight.”

“Okay.”

Before his brother could close the door again, he quickly called out to him.

“What’s up, Josh?”

“I love you, Tom.”

His brother smiled softly at him. “I love you too, bub.”

#short story #authors #contemporary #writing #family #loss #commission #mystery #oh my god #my first commission #quite literally so happy i got this #2.5k words

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