#my friends has a bunch and I’ve always been insanely jealous | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

onmykneesforhotdilfs · 3 years

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jealous

guess who is back, that’s right, ME. anyway, this was not a request or anything but i needed to do this in order to get back on track. there are bunch of requests sitting in my box over there but i am working on them, i promise. if not in august, then you will get them all in september. k? now that this is out of the way, i hope you enjoy and as always, if you guys wanna talk about my fics or anything really, feel free to message me, i’m always available.

“Are you absolutely sure you want to go?

Bloom sighed and winced as Stella pulled a strand of her fiery hair too hard, sharp pain from the tug settling in her temple lobe making her regret her decision to have her blonde friend help her get ready for, yet another, Eraklyon ball.

“Well it seemed like a good idea to me at the beginning… but judging by the number of times I have been asked that question, I am starting to think it is not such a good idea after all.” Bloom responded sarcastically.

“Look Bloom,” Stella began as she took another strand of Bloom’s hair and curled it around the curling iron, “I get it. You guys broke up on friendly terms, but no one is going to blame you if you choose not to go.” Bloom frowned and she was about to open her mouth to protest, but Stella paid her no mind as she continued to curl her hair. “It’s his engagement party at the end of the day and the one that could turn rather messy considering who the bride-to-be is.”

“I know this might seem slightly unorthodox Stell, but I honestly have no hard feelings towards Sky.” Bloom shrugged one of her shoulders. “Besides, I’ve moved on.”

Stella snorted and tried to cover the sound (not befitting of a royal) with a cough but Bloom saw right through it as she leveled her best friend with a flat look. “Sorry Bloom. But you’ve got to admit that the situation is slightly absurd.”

Bloom sighed, her shoulders slouching forward in a clear sign of defeat. “Well, yes, I admit that the situation might seem weird-“

“Weird?” Stella laughed. “Sweetie, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but the situation ceased to be weird when you decided to spare the bastard.” Bloom saw Stella raise one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows in the mirror but an amused smile full of mirth was present on her lips. “This right now, this is insanity at it’s finest.”

Bloom rolled her eyes. “Okay now you’re exaggerating. Besides, the two of you are getting along quite well. With the way the two of you strive to get on my nerves, I’ll even say, you get along better than him and I do.”

“Okay, that’s just hurtful.” Stella pouted, her bottom lip sticking out and Bloom laughed at the puppy dog look her friend was giving her.

“I’m just kidding Stell.”

“I don’t know Bloom. I now might have to tell your boyfriend you find him annoying.” Bloom never quite considered Stella as a snitch, but the devils dancing in blonde’s eyes reminded her that she needed to thread carefully unless she wanted to be eaten alive by the devil himself and his accomplice.

“Now, don’t be twisting my words. I never said I find you or him annoying…” She stopped for a second to debate whether or not she should say the next sentence. “No matter how true that statement might be.” She mumbled at the end.

Stella burst out laughing and hugged Bloom from behind. “That’s ok Bloom, you annoy us too.” At the red head’s confused look, Stella continued. “Between your constant rushing into danger without thinking and doing the exact opposite of what you’re told, it’s a miracle neither of us has a set of gray hair from worrying too much.”

Bloom felt the heat rushing to her cheeks and she lowered her head to conceal the blush that was climbing up her neck. “I’m not that bad.”

“No, you’re not.” Bloom’s eyes met Stella’s in the mirror. “You’re even worse.”

“Thanks a lot.” Bloom mumbled but she had to bite her lip to stifle a laugh as Stella’s sharp elbow stabbed her in the back making her bend forward slightly.

“Speaking of the devil, how is Valtor?” Stella asked as she started tucking delicate curls into a bun with an elaborate pattern. “I mean, you did leave him with your parents, your real parents, after all. Aren’t you worried that there will be nothing left of him when you come back?”

Bloom grinned. “I’m sure he’ll be fine. He knows he should stay away from the throne room when I’m not there… He had to learn that the hard way though.”

“That hard way wouldn’t happen to be an angry king of Domino with a magic sword?” Stella asked through her giggles as the mental picture of an aristocratic wizard being chased across the hall by Bloom’s father popped up in her head.

“Who blabbed?” Bloom asked with genuine interest painted across her features.

Stella shrugged. “One of the maids that has a cousin working in Solaria’s palace happened to be at the right place and at the right time.” She pinned the final curl to the right place and stepped back to admire her work. “And I happened to be at the right place and at the right time to hear it being passed directly from one person to another.”

“Well, aren’t you lucky?” Bloom mumbled as she stood up from her chair and stretched her stiff muscles.

“Yeah, I guess I am. I never had the misfortune of being chased by your dad with a sword after all.”

Stella laughed as Bloom pushed her slightly, slight grimace present on her face. “Thank you for your help.” She leaned in to give Stella a hug. “I’ll see you tonight?”

“Of course. Wouldn’t miss the show for anything.” Stella smiled and wiggled her eyebrows.

Bloom laughed. “You know, it is not nice to rejoice in someone else's misfortune. Dragon knows I would rather jump off the bridge than marry Diaspro.”

Stella waved her arm dismissively. “Each to it’s own. He should’ve sucked it up and come clean right away instead of preventing you from moving on and just prolonging the misery. A bit of suffering might be good for his soul.” She stopped for a second. “Though I’ll admit, marrying Diaspro might be too cruel of a punishment, even for him.”

“Well I am certainly not going to pull a Diaspro card tonight. I just hope he will live to see himself get married. After that, he is beyond my care.”

“Honey, he was beyond your care the moment you ended things, don’t pay too much attention to him.” Stella wiggled her eyebrows playfully. “Valtor might get jealous if you do.”

Bloom shook her head. “He’s not necessarily the jealous type Stell.” When Stella raised an eyebrow and her face morphed into an expression of disbelief, Bloom frowned. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Are you completely blind or something?” When Bloom’s face continued to show nothing but plain confusion, Stella continued. “Are you seriously telling me that you do not see the glares he is sending to other people who look at you for two seconds too long?” Bloom shook her head negative but a stunned expression tensed her facial muscles and if Stella focused, she could probably see the cogs turning in Bloom’s brain.

“I’ve… honestly never noticed.”

Stella smirked. “I’m not sure why I’m even surprised. The two of you separately could conquer the world, but apparently when you’re together your brain cells eat each other or something because you are stupid for anything and everything besides for each other.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Bloom, honey, if there was a picture for ‘crazy in love’ in the dictionary, it would be a picture of the two of you.”

Bloom rolled her eyes. “I’ll have you know that we actually talk quite a lot.”

“I’m sure you do… when you’re not too busy getting lost in each other’s eyes from across the room.”

Bloom exhaled and pinched a bridge of her nose. “Okay I think that’s enough of that. Don’t injure that fashionable brain of yours by thinking too hard about me and Valtor. I’ll see you tonight.” She gave Stella another quick hug, ignoring the ‘Hey!’ she got and opened a portal to Domino. She threw a quick ‘I love you’ to Stella before stepping into the portal.

Shining rays of sun almost blinded her and she had to squint her eyes as she stepped into the throne room, making the people in it stop what they were doing to greet the princess. Bloom dismissed them all with a wave of her hand and a friendly smile as she climbed the steps to greet her parents.

“You look gorgeous honey.” Her mother said as she kept Bloom at an arm’s length to examine the hairstyle. Marion brought her hand to Bloom’s face and twirled a lock of fiery strand that framed her face.

“It’s all Stella mom. But thank you.” Bloom laughed cheerfully and tucked the lock behind her ear. “Have you seen Valtor by any chance?” She ignored a dangerous growl that sounded next to her, courtesy of her father, and continued. “We should get going soon.”

Just as Marion opened her mouth to answer, the door to the room opened and Valtor, wearing classic black pants and white shirt, strode in. Oritel jumped from his chair and Bloom saw, in her peripheral vision, how Marion gripped his forearm when Valtor came closer and started to climb the steps. He acknowledged no one as his eyes locked onto hers and Bloom got a flashback of Stella gushing about him having eyes only for her. Bloom felt the heat rushing to her head but paid it no mind as Valtor’s hands finally wrapped around her waist and he leaned down to kiss her forehead in greeting. She collapsed onto him, feeling almost boneless, her knees barely supporting her. The dragon fire connection burned pleasantly in her veins, carrying even more heat into her cheeks but Bloom was too busy basking in the euphoria that their connection provided to care. His thumb was drawing lazy patterns on her waist and Bloom had to resist the urge to giggle quite childishly. Instead she distanced herself from his embrace slightly, only now realizing they were not in private, and looked up at his face that had the beginning of a genuine smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Someone (Oritel) cleared their throat and Bloom broke eye contact with Valtor as unkind lights flashed in his eyes, his hand tightening around her waist, a clear sign of sheer annoyance on his part.

“So…” Bloom began rather awkwardly, clearing her throat as Valtor and Oritel continued to shoot each other unkind looks from across her head. “I trust the day has passed without any incidents involving swords and other sharp objects.”

“That only happened once.” Both of them spoke at the same time, a similar grimace painted at both Oritel’s and Valtor’s face.

“And once was enough, thank you very much.” Bloom said as she looked between the two men, trying to suppress her laughter.

“He started it.” Both men mumbled at once and turned an evil eye to each other.

“Very mature.” Sarcasm was dripping from every word Bloom spoke, her teeth nibbling at the bottom lip as she felt that exploding argument was about to commence and she really had no time for such shenanigans.

“If I remember correctly, your majesty,” Valtor began, sugar coating his voice but his face frozen in a sour expression, “you were the one that chased me with a sword, not the other way around.”

Bloom mumbled an ‘Oh no.’ and pinched Valtor’s side warningly. She squeezed her eyes together as dull pain began thumping against the walls of her skull. Her eyes met the worried but slightly amused eyes of her mother, and the queen shook her head clearly referring to the childish argument between the two grown men.

“Next time I’m simply going to break one of the hardwood chairs against your back then.” Oritel continued with a sheer, his frame slowly molding into one ready for an attack. The men leaned towards each other dangerously, and Bloom was afraid that sooner or later lightning will shoot from their eyes.

“There won’t be a next time. Your luck is that I chose not to defend myself, because otherwise, the outcome of that meeting would’ve been very different.”

“We can test that theory right now!”

“Bring it!”

The two were about to rush at each other, Oritel’s hand reaching for his sword and Valtor’s hand already lit with a spell, but an explosive spell rushed between their faces and forced the two to close their eyes and turn in the opposite direction. When the searing white finally retreated from their retinas and they were able to see clearly again, they turned to the women standing on the side, Marion’s hand raised as remains of the spell still sparked at her fingertips.

“Gentlemen. Please, behave.” The queen’s tone bore no traces of jest and Valtor and Oritel straightened their clothes in an effort to compose themselves, both coming to a conclusion that the continuation of a quarrel could result in serious bodily injury provided by none other than Marion.

Oritel cleared his throat and looked across Valtor’s shoulder towards the open hall. The servants were frozen in surprise, some were even huddled together as numerous whispers passed through the room. He looked towards his wife who was shaking her head in disbelief as if to say ‘Look at what you’ve done now.’ He once again cleared his throat and turned towards the people in the room. “Go back to your duties, there is nothing to see here.” The servants scattered across the room, fearing the wrath of their king, but amused chuckles still broke through some mouth.

“If you’re quite done,” the queen began, “maybe it would be for the best to go separate ways for today.”

“But Marion he-“ what was undoubtedly about to be another epic rant about whose fault it is was put on hold by a simple hand gesture. Marion crossed her lips in an universal ‘Zip it.’ motion and king’s mouth snapped shut. Seeing such scene, Valtor opened his mouth to say something but a sharp elbow to his ribs made him rethink his decision. He cleared his throat and grabbed the owner of the said elbow, a girl who was red in the face and almost had steam coming from her ears, and pulled her towards himself. Bloom struggled against his hold for a second but relaxed fairly quickly when Valtor sneaked his arm across her waist.

“I agree with mom.” She looked at Valtor and the hard look she gave him indicated that there was no room for refusal. “We should go get ready.”

As soon as the door to their room closed, Bloom snatched the shirt she was wearing over her head (weary of her hairstyle) and flopped face first onto the mattress. The dull ache in her head was turning into a full fledged migraine and she had to resist the urge to rip out all the bobby pins Stella placed into her hair. A sigh sounded somewhere next to her and a bed dipped slightly to the side due to the added weight. Bloom reached across the surface of the cool bed sheets blindly until her fingers wrapped around a gloved hand. She tugged on the hand slightly, a chuckle sounding in the room, as Valtor leaned above her to place another kiss at her forehead.

“Are you sure you want to go?”

“If another person asks me that today, I am going to scream.” Was her muffled response as she rubbed her face into the pillow she found laying around on the bed. “I’ve sat in the chair for hours, Stella practically tortured me with how much she pulled and tugged on my hair. There is no way, and I cannot stress this enough, no way in hell that I will miss Sky’s engagement ball just because I’d rather stay in bed.”

“If you say so.” He ran his thumb over her knuckles. “But in that case, we should probably start getting ready.”

Bloom groaned and pressed her face harder into a pillow. “Five more minutes.”

Valtor huffed a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sigh but moved towards the middle of the bed, one of his arms planting in between the bed and Bloom’s head replacing her pillow, while the other arm rested at the curve of her hip, his fingers drawing patterns at the soft skin. Bloom shuffled quietly on the bed as well, her head settling at the space where his neck met his collarbone, while one of her legs settled across his stomach. The hand that was mapping out the skin of her hip trailed teasingly upwards and Bloom twitched when his fingers ghosted over her ribs.

“That tickles.” She whispered against the skin of his neck, her lips brushing over the sensitive nerves with every letter.

“All the more reason for me to keep doing it.” Bloom pouted and lifted herself up on her forearms, her weight supported by her arms placed at his chest. Valtor huffed jokingly when she shifted her weight and he was rewarded for it with a slight punch to his shoulder. She ignored the fake ‘Ouch.’ from his side and moved to straddle his legs. He moved to meet her halfway when she leaned down for a kiss, the movements slow and gentle but no less passionate.

“Maybe we should just stay in.” He murmured when she broke the kiss only to descend down with short pecks to his neck. His hands took hold of her hips, fingers squeezing the tender flesh harder than necessary in a fit of passion.

“Mmmmm no. No. No, we don’t have time for that.” She groaned when his hands reached for the clasp of her bra.

“We can make it quick.” He huffed, annoyed and frustrated, when Bloom reached around to grab his hands and stop his movements. He fell back onto the bed as she moved up towards his face, his hands still held captive by her small fingers.

“No, we can’t.” She giggled and kissed his cheek quickly before swinging her legs off his lap and walking to her closet to pick up her dress.

“You always have to spoil my fun, don’t you?” He groaned and sat sup in bed, his fingers threading through his hair.

“Don’t sulk, we’ll have time to play later.” She didn’t even look at him as she continued rummaging through her stuff, but a teasing note and a promise was very much present in her voice. She let out a victorious ‘Aha!’ when she found the dress. “Besides, as my partner, I want you there.” The dress was tossed carelessly across the chair as she moved to stand in front of him at the foot of the bed. “Are you telling me you’d let me go all alone?” Her voice took on a slightly higher pitch and her lower lip wobbled slightly with every word. “You’d let someone else dance with me, put his hands on me?” She was playing a dangerous game and that was evident by the low growl that escaped from deep within his throat and by the darkening of his eyes.

She squeaked, slightly startled by the sudden movement, as his hands took a firm hold of her thighs and pulled her to him, his mouth attaching to her left hip, his sharp teeth leaving a bruised bite in the area as she wiggled in his hold, the pain from the bite sharp but not unpleasant. He soothed the tender spot by placing gentle, barely there kisses, no more than a brush of lips against the flesh. She hummed and ran her fingers through his hair, making him look up at her mischievous eyes. “You’re jealous.” It was not a question, but a statement and he groaned as he buried his face in her stomach, his arms circling her hips, hands resting on her behind. Bloom chuckled and tapped his shoulder twice before she pushed slightly on them, a clear sign he should let go, and grabbed her dress before she retreated to the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

She emerged ten minutes later, silky turquoise dress sitting on her frame perfectly, loose curls placed behind her ear. Valtor, in the process of buttoning up his vest, stopped what he was doing and smiled at her. She mimicked his movements and stood right in front of him as her hands smoothed out wrinkles on his sleeves before straightening the collar of his shirt. No words were spoken as his large palms took hold of her delicate ones and brought them to his lips. The intimate moment was broken with the loud blaring of a cellphone and Bloom moved to answer it, Valtor’s hands letting go of her.

“Hello Stella.”

“Hey, where are you guys? We just landed. Are you going to be here soon?” Before Bloom even had the chance to answer either of the two questions, Stella continued. “Please say you will, because Bloom, I cannot promise I will not do anything if I see Diaspro.”

Bloom laughed, her hands rummaging through her makeup bag in search for lipstick. “We’ll be there shortly Stell, don’t worry.”

“You’re teleporting, right?”

“Mhm.” Bloom hummed absentmindedly as she continued looking for the lipstick.

“Okay, I’ll see you soon then. I love you.”

“I love you too Stell. Don’t do anything stupid.”

Stella laughed. “No promises. Ciao.”

Bloom threw her phone to the bed as she finally dug out a lipstick from a black hole that is her makeup bag. She leaned over the desk to apply it and she was about to turn around to ask Valtor if he could carry it in his pocket but gasped in surprise when two hands came up from behind and something cold was placed on her neck. Bloom bit her lip when she noticed that the cold object was a beautiful sapphire necklace, the color of the precious stone matching her eyes almost perfectly. Valtor’s hands moved from her neck, following the line of her spine, before settling on her hips. His lips ghosted over her hairline, down the line of her jaw before they settled in the junction of her neck and he placed a proper kiss there.

“You look stunning.” He whispered in her ear, his lips barely touching the shell of her ear, but the hot breath washing over her face made the goosebumps erupt across her skin.

“Thank you.” She spoke, her voice shaky, her fingers twirling the necklace resting at her sternum.

Colder breeze passed over her the very next second as he moved away from her to look at the mirror, spell words already on his lips and his appearance morphed back into perfection, not a hair out of place and no wrinkle on his clothes. He cleared his throat and turned to Bloom, who was still quite red in the face, and offered her his hand.

“Shall we?”

Bloom took his hand as his other one was already busy creating a portal, she moved closer to him, one of her hands searching for a pocket in his blazer. She smiled when she found it and looked up at him with a twinkle in her eye. “We shall, good sir.”

Valtor smirked as his free hand landed on Bloom’s left hip, his thumb tracing the bruise he left there, before the two stepped into a portal and disappeared with a flash.

#sparxshipping #valtor x bloom #bloom x baltor #bloom x valtor #baltor x bloom #winx club #winx valtor #winx baltor #winx bloom

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kashimos-hajime · 4 years

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dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries.

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too.

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever?

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas!

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

517 notes · View notes

mcwriting · 3 years

Text

The Marriage Project (9)

I’m back with anotha one! Sorry it’s taken so ridiculously long! I’ve been soooo busy that sitting down and writing or even formatting has been such a challenge. Please enjoy this chapter!

*also i watched Cherry and Tom was so good in it I’m- that film messed me up a lil bit but like it was so good. Also I’ve loved Ciara since btr and now I’m just insanely jealous and love her even more ugh

Story Masterlist

Word Count: 2333

Warnings: Some language? I can’t think of anything else

% approximately the 3rd week of October %

Friday evening, the volleyball team arrived at the town regionals were being held at, about an hour away. You were staying in a hotel again, and as before, Julia was your buddy.

After having spent the evening laughing and having fun, your whole hotel room group was about to head up the stairs.

“Hey, y/n. Do you mind staying back for a minute?” Julia asked.

“Oh, sure. We’ll meet you guys upstairs,” you called to the other two, who waved back nonchalantly and continued walking. Julia and you went back to some empty seats near the lobby.

“What’s up?” you asked, smiling.

“Well… Sam told me he caught you and Tom yesterday and I just wanted to ask you about it…”

Your smile faltered.

“What’s there to talk about? I told him that Tom sprayed me with water so I got back at him by soaking the back of his shirt. There’s nothing more to say.”

“Well, yeah, he told me that but he also mentioned that you stayed for dinner? And met Nikki’s parents last weekend? Not trying to imply anything, but I didn’t meet their grandparents until Sam and I had been dating for like 6 months.”

You were getting annoyed, considering this was the second person in two days to ask you about Tom.

“I didn’t just meet them over nothing! Nikki took my senior pictures at the same time as Tom’s and wanted to do them there. I was just tagging along for the ride.”

“You know he’s also coming to state next weekend, right? If we pass through tomorrow?”

He is?

“Uh, no I didn’t. Doesn’t he have football stuff to worry about? It’s also Halloween next weekend, like he’d miss out on the big party.”

“They have a bye next week. Sam is going to come and I guess Tom is taking him, but Nikki might come too? I’m not sure. I guess you’d better ask him. Anyways, I just wanted to clear things up since there were all those rumors today,” she said, starting to get up.

“Wait, wai- Rumors? I never heard anything. Like about me?”

“You haven’t heard? I guess one of the freshman girls who has a massive crush on Tom was stalking Nikki’s website last night and saw some pictures of the two of you. A bunch of people think you’re dating now.”

You felt yourself pale.

“Oh no, and she changed one picture after Tom asked her to. Do you know what the picture was?”

“Something about him carrying you..? I never saw it, why?”

“Great. Now everyone is going to think she changed it because a secret got out or something. Ughhhh I just wish this stupid marriage project had never happened and I would never be in this mess.”

Julia looked at you contemplatively for a moment.

“Think of it this way, you and Tom are friends now, right?” you apprehensively nodded. “If it weren’t for that project, you two would still be fighting all the time and you wouldn’t have had the incredible Nikki Holland taking your pictures. Everyone can just get over themselves, you know?”

You snorted, then grinned.

“Yeah I guess so. You know, you’re annoyingly wise beyond your years,” you stated. “Now let’s get back upstairs. We have a long day ahead of us.”

Placing first at regionals meant two things: you were going to state, and everyone was congratulating you again when Monday came.

They also kinda looked at you funny when Tom high fived you in the hallway as he passed by, but you had decided to follow Julia’s advice and stop caring about the rumors people were spreading.

Once the morning announcements ended, your calculus teacher stood up, a small paper stack in hand.

“Okay, everyone, since I’m your first period teacher and homecoming is next week, today you get to cast your nomination votes. Y’all know the drill: three guys, three girls for king and queen. Try to make it fast, we have a lot to do today.”

She walked around handing out half-sheets of paper with six lines on them. You and Tom immediately looked at each other.

“We nominating each other?” Tom asked before you could.

“Wouldn’t have it any other way,” you joked, filling out the sheet with both of your names and four others.

In home ec, you sat next to Tom cutting fabric for yet another project you had to do together, thinking about something Julia had mentioned.

“Hey, I gotta ask you something. Is it true you’re going to the capital this weekend for our state tournament?” you asked.

“Oh, yeah. This is our bye week and I promised Sam I’d go with him and mom. Plus, we can work on the project when you’re free.”

“You do realize that’s like a four hour drive, right? I mean it’s Halloween this weekend. Wouldn’t you rather make an appearance at Johnny’s big blowout?”

“Eh, it won’t be that great. I mean his place isn’t even that big and it’s in town. There’s literally no way it won’t get busted within the first half hour. The homecoming party at Tyler’s however… that’s gonna be insane.”

“Okay Johnny’s trash party aside, you really would rather spend your one free weekend of the season four hours away watching girls play volleyball then at home doing… whatever it is you do. And please don’t tell me you watch the ‘hub in your spare time.”

“Come on, y/n I’m not an animal. Even without the tight uniforms volleyball is really cool.”

You backhanded his arm at the comment.

“Plus, I don’t need any videos to get myself off,” he added, smirking.

“You disgust me.”

“You know you love me.”

“Hmm. Debatable,” you shot back dryly, earning a chuckle and shoulder bump from him as you finally cracked.

At lunch, your friends were discussing the Halloween party when you sat down.

“Okay we really need to figure out what to wear this weekend, and we’re not going as playboy bunnies like Daisy and all her group,” said one girl.

“Well I say we dress as frat boys. It’s funny, not super sexual, and we all know half the guys are going to rush next year,” suggested Caroline.

“I like it, but what if we went a step further and dressed as dads. You know, hawaiian shirts, khaki shorts, socks and sandals. That would be hilarious. What do you think, y/n?” said Alexis.

“Sorry ladies, I won’t be there. We have state this weekend at the capital so as always, we’re driving down Friday after school. I will be at Tyler’s homecoming thing next weekend. Also, I do really like the dad thing, but I vote y’all do Guy Fieri.”

“Wait why is that literally genius,” Alexis said as the others agreed. “Of course it would suck to take your idea without you even getting to do it.”

“You guys really think I care? Just credit me in your insta captions. I’ll make the team put ribbons with flames on them in their ponytails Saturday.”

“Okay now we have to do it,” a different friend said.

“Hey, at least you won’t have to worry about Tom. I’m sure he’ll be at the party,” Caroline said. You wrinkled your nose.

“Yeah about that… His brother’s girlfriend is on the team so he’s going, too. I’m the one that’ll be seeing him instead of you guys but whatever. We’ll need to work on our project anyways.”

“Don’t you think that’ll fuel the fires people are already spreading about you? A good portion of the school thinks you’re secretly together now,” added the first friend from before.

“People are going to believe whatever the hell they want. I honestly don’t care anymore. Oh! By the way, did I tell you guys that some freshman was the one spreading shit about me Friday? The nerve those kids have,” you said.

“Wait, what? It was a freshman that was trying to tell everyone y’all are together? Ugh why would anyone believe them?” Alexis asked, incredulous.

“I know, right? Apparently she’s like obsessed with Tom or something. She must have a backwards way of thinking if she believes spreading fake rumors will make him want her. Jokes on her when she has to see us together on homecoming court. He’s just as likely to be voted as I am, maybe even more.”

The group all laughed and continued talking about random things, and you mentally wiped the sweat from your brow now that the conversation was shifted from you and Tom.

You were nervously bouncing your leg before calculus Friday morning. You’d gotten to school early to make certain you would be there for the announcements, which is when they would be releasing the list of nominees.

Tom came in a couple minutes before the bell, hair still wet from his post workout shower. Usually he blow dried it, and he obviously noticed you looking at his curls, your knee bouncing anxiously.

“Got out of the weight room late so I rushed over here. What are you wired up about, princess?”

“Do I really have to tell you? Homecoming noms.”

“You’re actually nervous about that? Everyone knows you’re already at the top of the list.”

“Uh, no, that’s you. After everything that’s happened the past few weeks, there’s no telling how people feel about me.”

“Oh you’ll be fine. I know it,” Tom finished. You wanted to disagree with him further, but then the bell rang and announcements began. After the general daily stuff, they got to the part everyone was waiting for.

You were on the edge of your seat. The disembodied voice began with the underclassmen’s court nominations, eventually working up to the senior king contestants.

“Alright, first up in the running for kings we have… Tuwaine Barrett!”

Tuwaine was a cool dude. He played basketball and was in theatre. You were happy to see him nominated.

“Next up we’ve got Harrison Osterfield!”

Ugh. I’d rather abdicate the throne than end up against him.

“And finally for the boys, Tom Holland!”

A small cheer went up in your classroom as people congratulated Tom and patted him on the back. You gave him a high five.

“And now for the ladies. First on the list is Zendaya Coleman!”

Ah Zendaya. You were never that close, but she was always nice when you’d had classes with her. She was way taller than you, a star player on the basketball and softball teams. Not to mention she was insanely gorgeous. This was already some stiff competition.

“Second, we have Daisy Ridley!”

And of course another likely contender. Daisy, who was planning on going to that evening’s Halloween party as a playboy bunny, was a cheerleader. She didn’t fit every aspect of the cheer stereotype, like the fact that she was actually really smart, but she definitely wasn’t the nicest person either.

“And finally, your last nominee for homecoming queen is… y/n y/l/n!”

It took a second to fully process that it was you they were talking about until there were people cheering you on like they’d done for Tom. He reciprocated the high five.

“What’d I tell you princess? Or shall I say queen.”

Tom was leaving football practice after the bell when a few of his buddies appeared next to him to walk across the parking lot.

They were talking when Tom saw you all loading the bus, and you sent each other a wave.

“Damn, y/n’s not gonna be at the party tonight? That’s rough, she always has the dopest costumes. ‘Least you will. What are you going as?” one guy, Jake, said.

“Did I not tell you? I’m going out of town. Won’t be there. I totally would’ve been Spider-Man though,” Tom explained.

“Wait you won’t be there tonight either?” another, Chris, asked. “You’re gonna miss out on some major exposure for homecoming votes.”

“Oh yeah, right. I’m pretty sure things are in the bag for me. I’ll just be gone tonight and tomorrow. Promised Sam I’d go to the volleyball thing with him.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You. Are going to the capital. Which is four hours away. At the same time as y/n. Am I hearing this right?” Jake asked as they finally reached their cars.

“Oh shut up, man. It’s not like that. Yeah we’ll be at the same place this weekend but whatever. We’re cool with each other now.”

“Cool? Is that code for ‘I want to make out every time I look at her?’” interjected Chris. He and Jake gave each other a look and laughed.

“Ugh, no. I’d kiss a salmon before I kissed y/n. I just meant we’ve come to an understanding and are somewhat friends now.”

They both looked at him funny.

“So you mean to tell me that there’s nothing going on between you two? Yeah right. We’ve all seen the way you look at her at games,” Jake said suggestively.

“What is up with you and everyone else at this school thinking there’s more to the story?! We are fake married for a school project and are nothing more than friends. You’re crazy to think otherwise.”

“Who are you planning on asking to the dance?” Chris asked, seemingly out of nowhere.

“What? What do you mean? I haven’t even thought about it.”

“I’m asking who you’ll take to homecoming. It’s y/n, isn’t it?”

“No. No, it’s not, because I haven’t asked anyone.”

“Would you go with her?” Chris continued, pressing in.

“I mean I guess so. If we’re voted king and queen then it’ll basically be an obligation.”

“And if you’re not?”

“Dude why are you asking all these questions! If she isn’t queen then I’ll go with whoever is. If I’m not king, I’ll just go solo and see what happens. Whatever, though, I need to get home. I’ll see you guys Monday,” Tom finished.

He walked off to his car, where his brothers were impatiently waiting.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Again, sorry for my inactivity but I’m hoping that writing will be a little easier as one of my classes was a half semester and I’ll now have a little more buffer room to write!

My asks and messages are always open!

Send a message or ask if you’d like to be added to my permanent or series taglists so I can verify you’ve been added!

Story tag list: @jackiehollanderr, @one-big-fangirl, @l0lmk, @primadonnasdream, @bookworm06, @thenoddingbunny-blog, @agentnataliahofferson, @spider-babe, @stxfxniexreads, @justafangirlduh,

#The Marriage Project #tom holland #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland fanfic #tom holland imagine #tom holland series #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x you #tom holland x reader #sam holland

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suganovakawa · 4 years

Note

Hi hi I’m absolutely in love with your blog,, can we pls get some hcs of kageyama & suga being a bit insecure/jealous because their s/o has very attractive friends? Again I love ur blog sm and your writing is simply *chefs kiss* I want to 👉👈 be ur friend

aaaahhh yes ofc i’ll be your friend !! most definitely anonnie 🥺💘

only me, right?

— kageyama and sugawara prove to you that they deserve your love over the prying eyes of your friends!

— gen masterlist .

a / n : jealous hcs are MAJOR CHEFS KISS MATERIAL and they’re tobio and koushi too ??? OMG YES IVE BEEN BLESSED W THIS REQUEST 🥰🥰🥰

tobio kageyama.

✧｡ so we all know that tobio is a b e a u t i f u l boy

✧｡ but like . his social skills ? a solid 3 / 10 , unless you play volleyball .

✧｡ of course you found his awkwardness a cute aspect of his which added to his character , so you didn't mind it at all

✧｡ you do most of the talking in your relationship but the first year makes up for it when it's just the two of you

✧｡ though he swears that he's trying to do better , kags sweetie you are always going to be an awkward boyo and that's that

✧｡ you introduce him to your friends one day during lunch , they've been wanting to meet this so called " tobio kageyama "

✧｡ after a bit of begging persuading , kageyama finally agreed to sitting down with you and your friends for lunch

✧｡ you had to drag him to your guys' table the poor boy was so nervous

✧｡ and when he laid eyes on your friends ,

✧｡ he went pale .

✧｡ THESE WERE THE PEOPLE YOU WERE HANGING OUT WITH ?

✧｡ they’re definitely supermodels in disguise bc wtf

✧｡ they're so easygoing and friendly too ,,

✧｡ and somehow you're not in a relationship with one of them ?

✧｡ watching you talk to your friends so nonchalantly gave tobio time to think during lunch , he was quiet since he had almost nothing to talk about with any of them

✧｡ none of them really cared about volleyball so they and tobio shared almost no interests

✧｡ he felt kinda insecure honestly , seeing you laugh with your friends over conversations he didn't bother participating in

✧｡ had he ever made you laugh like that before ?

✧｡ and they were insanely attractive too , he didn't know if they themselves even knew that or not

✧｡ you tried a couple of times during lunch to include tobio into conversation , but he'd end up going silent on you , leaving you to talk to your friends again

✧｡ the next time you two end up alone , however , your boyfriend made sure to bring up the situation

✧｡ " y/n , you'll tell me if there's anything i need to improve about myself , right ? "

✧｡ " like , volleyball wise , tobio ? "

✧｡ " no . i mean as your boyfriend . "

✧｡ you legit went 0_o

✧｡ " eh ? but you've always been a good boyfriend to me , tobio . there's nothing about yourself you could change to improve on being a better boyfriend , you're already doing an amazing job . i would never trade it for anything in the world "

✧｡ boy you sure knew how to make his self esteem jump

✧｡ " even with your attractive friends around you all the time , you'll still choose me ? "

✧｡ hearing this , you couldn't help but laugh

✧｡ " that's what you're worried about ? tobio , they're not my type . i'll never look at them the same way i look at you . "

✧｡ he felt reassured , yes

✧｡ but you'll soon notice he makes more of a conscious effort to stay by your side more when you're around your friends

koushi sugawara.

✧｡ you've always had an eye for gentle , kindhearted suga

✧｡ it still sometimes feels like a dream that you're in a relationship with him

✧｡ you're always gawking about him to your friends , even before you two became a thing

✧｡ even though you're completely oblivious that some of them have the hots for you

✧｡ so when you finally got the boy , your friends pressured you into letting them meet him

✧｡ you originally thought that they wanted to get a good look of him to admire him as well , so you said no

✧｡ uh no they want to see who exactly their competition is for you

✧｡ koushi didn't seem to mind the idea of meeting your friends ; after all , it was bound to happen one day

✧｡ you guys met up after school , practice got cancelled that day so it was the perfect time for a meeting between your boyfriend and your friends

✧｡ you guys were gonna walk home together !!! fun fun fun

✧｡ koushi laid eyes on your friends once and considered turning around and bringing you with him

✧｡ who tf let these pretty people around you without him there fending them off ?

✧｡ " are those your friends , y/n . . . ? "

✧｡ " yeah , they've been wanting to meet you !! c'mon koushi !! "

✧｡ how were you so oblivious to the stare down that your friends and boyfriend shared

✧｡ sugawara had a sharp eye on them the entire time , he had a gut feeling that they had side intentions

✧｡ he made sure you were at his side at all times on your guys' way home , subtly pulling you to his side and holding your hand when you friends would try to , like , put their arm around your shoulders and pull you closer to them

✧｡ don't get me wrong , the third year was planning on giving them the benefit of the doubt when you first introduced the idea of all of you walking home together

✧｡ but what you don't know is that suga has caught glimpses of you with your friends during school

✧｡ and he's seen your friends try to make advances on you , but somehow you're dense enough to blow it off so smoothly

✧｡ around the end was when you finally felt some tension , your last friend finally stopped in front of their place

✧｡ koushi noticed that they were leaning in for a kiss on the cheek

✧｡ but you being you thought they were going in for a hug and so you squeezed them tightly instead

✧｡ right after you pulled away from them , suga grabbed you by the hand and pulled you away before you or they could say anything else

✧｡ " koushi ? what's wrong ? "

✧｡ " oh , uhm . nothing , y/n . it's just getting dark , is all "

✧｡ " what did you think of my friends , suga ?? "

✧｡ " they're , uh , a lovely bunch . but you don't happen to think that they , uh , have feelings for you , do they ? "

✧｡ " what ? that's crazy ! "

✧｡ you stopped abruptly and took both of koushi's hands into your own , staring him down intently

✧｡ " besides , i've only ever had feelings for you , koushi . they're my friends , but you're my boyfriend . you guys will always have special places in my heart , but never forget that their place is always going to be different from yours . "

✧｡ he smiled , because as dense as you may be sometimes , he could always depend on you no matter what

✧｡ " i love you , y/n . i just want you to know that . "

✧｡ " i love you too , koushi . "

✧｡ " but uhm , could we walk home alone again from now on ? i like it better , just the two of us . "

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mammonshuman92 · 3 years

Text

- Sapphire - Pt. 2

(Mammon x MC)

part one | part three |

NOTE: F!MC

“Warm skin, the color of caramel, electricity felt in the slightest of touches.

Hair born of the winter, soft as the Heavens from where it once reigned.

Completely enamored by this creature, I would also happily fall from grace.”

Hair born of winter? Fall from grace? Tan skin?

Wait. That sounds like..

Realization hit him like a truck.

“..It’s about me..” He whispered, barely audible even to himself.

His chest felt like it was going to explode. His stomach so full of butterflies he felt nauseous.

He couldn’t believe it..

“Hey, great job out there kid. The crowd really liked you.” The man who had been the emcee for the open mic night was shuffling around backstage, putting away equipment and cleaning up. “We do this on the 2nd Thursday every month, if you’re interested.”

“Thanks! I’d love to.” You were beaming.

Being out there, under the spotlight, reciting your work that you had poured your heart into, full of all the emotion you had to keep to yourself, was so empowering. You were on top of the world.

You thanked the man again and made your way to the exit. Just outside the door, a rather attractive demon was perched against the wall. Upon seeing you, he smiled and left his place on the wall, coming toward you.

He looks kind of familiar. Does he go to RAD?

Never having seen him outside of a RAD uniform before, you quickly pieced together that the guy was in your Devildom History class. From the few interactions you’d had with him in class, you knew he was pretty nice and also enjoyed poetry. The two of you talked and laughed for a few minutes.

“Next time you gotta tell your boyfriend to get here earlier so he can get a better seat.” He said.

Boyfriend?

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” You said, lightly shaking your head.

“Oh”, his eyebrows scrunched, “Well, the two of you are always together at RAD so I just assumed..”

Oh God..

No.

This isn’t happening.

You tried to keep your cool, but it was too late. The color drained from your face. The back of your neck felt cold and prickly. You felt sick.

Mammon was here. He heard ..everything.

“Anyway, he left right after you got off stage. He looked kinda mad.” The guy said.

...Mad?

Oh God. My stupid poem freaked him out! It doesn’t take a genius to figure out who I was referring to. He’s probably grossed out that a human has a crush on him.

What were you thinking?

After you had finished reading and walked off stage, Mammon immediately stood up and went outside. He needed air. Hearing the words you were saying caused his eyes to prick with tears.

There’s no way. I’m getting somethin’ confused somewhere. Have to be.

Once outside, the cool air hit his face and he took some deep breaths, on the verge of panic.

“There’s no way that was about me.” He kept whispering to himself.

Why would you write something like THAT about him? He’s just a scumbag after all.

Yeah, just a scumbag. Don’t get your hopes up.

His face fell. In the brief moment he got to believe that you loved him, he’d never been happier.

If it wasn’t about him, who was it about? The description was uncanny, and not many demons look like him. Not that you know, anyway.

As the questions swirled around his brain, he saw you walk outside the coffee shop. Before he could react, he saw a demon who was waiting outside the exit, strike up a conversation with you.

Who’s that? Does she know him?

Mammon stepped behind a magazine stand trying to hide, but still watch your interaction with the unknown demon. You’d been in the Devildom long enough to travel close to home without being messed with, but it still made him nervous. He kept his eyes fixed on the two of you.

He watched as you chatted and laughed with the good looking demon, growing more jealous and hurt by the second. Unable to watch anymore, he stormed off in the direction of the House of Lamentation.

“Maybe she does have a boyfriend. She seemed to know that guy pretty good.” He scoffed.

He wasn’t mad at you, he couldn’t be. He was mad at himself. Maybe if he had told you how he felt you wouldn’t have been chatting it up with that pretty boy.

But what about the poem? That’s gotta mean somethin’ right?

When he got back to the house, he went straight to his room and slammed the door, nearly running Asmo over in the process.

“Hey! Rude.” Asmo called after him.

He didn’t care at the moment. He just needed to be alone. The weight of it all was too much.

As quickly as his love for you was reciprocated, it was ripped away. This time, he didn’t try to hold back the tears.

Shit, shit, shit! What now?!

You cursed yourself the entire way home. How are you supposed to just walk in nonchalantly like Mammon didn’t just hear you confess your entire soul? Not to mention the fact he apparently looked mad.

Ugh. I wonder is Solomon knows a spell that’ll open up the Earth and swallow me whole?

You quietly walked up the front steps to the House of Lamentation and opened the door slowly. Peaking in to see if anyone was around, thankfully not, you carefully made your way inside.

If I can just make it to my room, I’ll be fine.

You crept up the stairs and down the hall. The coast was clear.

Once you got close enough you ran inside your room, shutting the door quickly behind and for the first time since right after moving in, you locked your door.

Usually the brothers come and go out of room, which you don’t mind but tonight you just wanted to be alone.

You dropped your bag on the floor with a hard thud, and sank down to the floor, burying your face in your hands.

How could you be so careless? You should’ve known one of them would figure out where you were. I just wish it hadn’t been THAT one.

*knock knock knock*

The light tapping on the door made you jump put of your skin. Your hands flew to your mouth to stifle the small yelp you let out.

Just stay quiet. Whoever it is will go away.

“MC? It’s me. I know you’re in there.”

It’s just Asmo.

With a sigh of relief, you stood to unlock the door and let Asmo in, quickly shutting the door behind him. He made a face at your strange behavior.

“Hello to you too. And was your door locked? What’s that about?” He almost sounded offended, turning to face you.

“So, what happened?” He asked.

You were a little caught off guard but tried to play it cool.

“What do you mean?”

He perched himself on the edge of your bed.

“Well, this afternoon when I got home from shopping Mammon asked me where you were, seeing as you told him you were going with me. Then, he came home just a little while ago, visibly upset. He nearly ran me over on his way to his room.” He explained.

Crap! Had I let Asmo in on my lie about going shopping with him, I probably could’ve avoided this entire fiasco.

“He was mad?” You asked, voice getting quiet.

Asmo nodded, “Very.” He replied.

That made your heart hurt.

I’ve really done it this time.

Avoiding Mammon was going to be hard. The two of you practically did everything together. Did you really have a choice though? You can’t face him right now.

Breakfast was the easiest. Mammon is always late, so all you had to do was wake up early.

Beel is usually the first one to breakfast, so I can ask him if he’d walk with me to RAD. I’ll study with Satan as usual, and I can spend more time with Levi and hide out in his room or nap with Belphie.

This sucks.

It’s not that you don’t enjoy the time you spend with the other brothers, because of course you do, but you miss your best friend.

The walk to RAD with Beel was quiet. He could tell that you were sad, and didn’t want to make you talk if you didn’t want to. Before you went your separate ways to your classes, he gave you one of his big squeezy, pick-you-up-off-the-ground hugs. It made you feel a bit better. How could it not? It’s Beel.

The day went rather smoothly, not once bumping into Mammon. Come to thin of it, you hadn’t seen him at all today.

Maybe he skipped? You thought.

The thought made you breathe a little easier, considering your last class of the day is Devildom History, which is one of the few classes the two of you have together.

You sat in your usual seat, and looked at the empty one next to you that Mammon usually sat in. Your heart started to hurt again.

Trying to distract yourself, you started going over your notes for the upcoming test. When the seat next to you scooted out, your heart stopped beating.

Oh my God! Just stay calm. Don’t freak out. Breathe, dumbass. You chanted to yourself.

“Hey.” he said, as he sat down. You looked up at the demon next to you.

It’s the guy from the coffee shop.

Phew! That was close. Your heart rate started to return to normal.

“Hi.” You replied with a faint smile.

As students kept filing into class, the two of you talked back and forth about the upcoming test and other school related topics. He seems like a pretty nice guy. Why was he sitting next to you though? Surely he knows who always sits there. Although, it was nice to have someone to talk about poetry with.

Just then, as the bell rang loudly signaling the beginning of class, someone came running through the door.

Mammon.

Shit! I thought he wasn’t here today!

Cue heart rate acceleration.

Mammon looked at you, and the occupied seat next toy you. His seat.

His face distorted.

You kept your head down trying to avoid eye contact. The guy next to you, I think he said his name was Ezra? I don’t even remember, stiffened at Mammon’s reaction to seeing him in his seat.

Mammon made his way to the back of the class to the only empty seat near a bunch of succubi. Their expressions lit up when he sat down. That made your heart hurt.

Their reaction to just sitting near him, just proved how insane you were for thinking he could ever have feelings for a human.

The class seemed to drag on forever. You couldn’t wait to get far away from there.

I’m definitely texting Solomon about that “Earth opening” spell.

When the bell signaling the end of class finally rang, you hurriedly made your escape.

I gotta get out of here, and fast before he can catch up.

With zero hesitation, you walked as fast as you could, nearly jogging, to the House of Lamentation. If you could just get to your room again without being stopped, you were in the clear.

Plowing through the front door and running up the stairs, you made it to your room without being discovered. It looked as though you were the first one home.

You opened your bedroom door, and stepped inside feeling accomplished. Before you could turn and shut the door, it was slammed shut.

You jumped and screamed as though the murderer you were trying to outrun had finally caught up to you.

You turned to see that it was Mammon who had slammed the door.

You would’ve rather it had been the murderer.

| part three |

#obey me #obey me shall we date #mammon x mc #mammon fluff #i really didn't mean for it to be this long

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zutaralesbian · 3 years

Note

zutara and bamon!

Zutara:

Why I ship them (or why I do not): Ooooh Zutara. They're one of my oldest ships and one that I ALWAYS drift back to eventually when it comes to phases lol. I started shipping them back when I was about thirteen and they were one of my first major introductions to online fan works. The first time I watched ATLA it was when it was first airing and I was only a young kid, so I naturally just 'shipped' the canon pairings. But when I found out that Zutara was a thing I was intrigued by it and a bunch of meta and fics later, I was hooked. I just love the fire and water symbolism of them and the way they parallel each other. Their relationship development and the mutual understanding and respect they have for each other by the end of the show. There's just....so much interesting storytelling material for Zutara. And I think that's one of the biggest reasons they're so popular.

My favorite moment between them: I feel like this changes all the time but I think right now it would be the cave scene in Ba Sing Se. Despite Zuko's betrayal afterwards I just loved how these two people who were enemies for the entire time they've known each other bonded and found some understanding between each other. Also Katara offering to use the water from the oasis to heal Zuko's scar and Zuko letting her touch the scar???? Kill me. I feel like a lot of what I love about Zutara is represented in that scene alone.

My least favorite moment between them: I don't think there is a ZK scene that I hate. I mean, I don't like the infamous pirate scene in book 1 but I also think people make it out to be a lot worse than it actually was. (I've seen people compare it to the R*ylo scene where Kylo captures and tortures Rey and that is so undeserved and extra.)

The character I prefer: Zuko is my socially awkward son and I have a special love for him so he's definitely my personal fave. There aren't many character arcs that make me as emotional as his. BUT at the same time I know Katara is queen and she's definitely my second fave.

A fanfic idea for them that I would love to read or write: The post-war idea I have where Mai leaves Zuko for Ty Lee, Katara and Aang breakup amicably, and then Zuko and Katara fall for each other on a trip together to visit a healing Azula lives in my mind rent free.

What I would have changed about how canon handled them if I could: As amazing as canon Zutara done right would have been, I'm kind of okay with them not being canon? Mostly because with the exception of Sukka I think Bryke sucks at writing romance lmao. And I have more than enough ZK fanwork to keep me satisfied. BUT in a perfect world I would have had Zutara been implied as a future romance in the end and erased the K*taang and Ma*ko stuff. (The gaang are all literal children. I think it would have been more than fine if they ended the series all single.)

Bamon:

Why I ship them (or why I do not): They had great chemistry and were just a fun dynamic with a lot of potential (especially in the later seasons after they became friends.) I think their development from begrudging allies (and occasional enemies) to friends was fun to see and always an underrated dynamic in TVD and I would have loved to have seen it go all the way to lovers.

My favorite moment between them: Damon reciting the letter he wrote to Bonnie before he put himself in the coffin that she never read always gets me in the feels.

My least favorite moment between them: For some reason I can't really remember a specific scene but I know there were plenty in the early seasons that made me angry lol

The character I prefer: Oh definitely Bonnie. She was a queen that always deserved better than the way that shitty ass show treated her. She's the only reason I stuck with TVD as long as I did. I do admittedly have some kind of soft spot for Damon too though and I prefer him as a character over Stefan. But I completely understand why people hate him lmao 🥴

A fanfic idea for them that I would love to read or write: It's been soooo long since I've even thought about Bamon fic. But back in the day S6 canon divergents were my shit and I'd be down to reading one again if there are new ones out.

What I would have changed about how canon handled them if I could: Here's how I think I would have made them canon starting in S6: Damon and Bonnie would have had a frenemies with benefits kind of arrangement while they were stuck in the prison world together. (Honestly it's ridiculous to me that they didn't on the show. Two people with chemistry stuck in a prison world together with only each other for company, not expecting to escape and they never once fucked? Fffs). Once they're both free from the prison world there's this lingering Tension between them even though they obviously decided to stop having sex now that they were both free. Bonnie now feels off seeing Damon and Elena together and she eventually realizes it's because she's developed feelings for him. But she keeps it to herself out of loyalty to Elena and Damon has been obsessed with Elena for almost as long as Bonnie's known him so there's no way he'd feel the same anyway.

This would continue on for a while until we got to S7, where Damon decides to put himself in a coffin until Elena wakes up. I would have had part of his decision to do this be because he realized he has feelings for Bonnie and felt like he was betraying Elena by having them, so he ran.

Cut to Damon returning and Bonnie suddenly being in a relationship with Enzo. Damon would have been insanely jealous and this would have kicked off a Damon/Bonnie/Enzo triangle. Maybe Damon has some kind of talk with Stefan that makes him realize it's okay for him to want to be with Bonnie, that Elena wouldn't have wanted him to be miserable while she was gone. The triangle would have eventually ended with Bonnie/Enzo breaking up and Damon/Bonnie getting together. (And the 'Dear Bonnie' scene would have been re-written to be a reveal that Damon confessed to being in love with Bonnie and not knowing what to do about it in the letter). We would have then seen Damon and Bonnie as a couple throughout the entirety of S8, with the finale having the implication that Damon was going to stay with Bonnie throughout her whole human life and then one day in the far future reconcile with Elena. (Basically the same way the Will/Tessa/Jem situation was in The Infernal Devices.) What really sucks is that the TVD writers could have EASILY done something like this if they weren't cowards.

Thanks! :)

#zutara #bamon #mericatblackwood #answered #long post /

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nikkoliferous · 4 years

Text

Phase One: Thor

Since I was looking up my past live-blog of the novel and realising how annoying and repetitive reading through it all is because of my having structured it as a bunch of reblogs, I’ve decided to organize it all into one long-ass post instead. In case anyone else wants to read it in the future. Or in case I decide to re-read it. Because I’m hilarious. 😅

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO

My Hilarious Yet Wrathful Overview Of Phase One: Thor, Redux

—

If your son who’s to become king requires a babysitter to not screw it all up and also the idea of him being king is stressful enough to put you into a coma, maybe, uh… reconsider doing that? Just a thought.

But you see here why Odin was so deadset on Thor becoming king, despite him being ill-suited for the role. It’s not about what’s best for Asgard; it’s about personal legacy. Thor is Odin’s mini me, and Loki is very much not. There are places within the text where Odin laments Thor “lacking his father’s wisdom” (he’s definitely inherited your humility, though, Odin!), but he hopes for Thor to grow into a “wise king” like himself. Whereas he holds no such illusions (lol, pun) that Loki will ever take after him.

now with tag commentary! #this scene is in the script and both novelizations #(though in reading this novel seems to just be a more complete version of the junior novel? #idk i'm confused because they're supposedly written by different authors but so far the text is identical) #and it drives me insane each time i read it

“Haha, I’m a warmongering piece of shit, isn’t it funny?”

I know, I know. I try to cut Asgard some slack for being such a militaristic culture because social changes happen slowly and when you live for thousands of years per generation, it makes sense that your views on things like war would be regressive. The text says Odin has ruled Asgard for tens of thousands of years (so much for taking Loki’s “give or take 5,000 years” line literally; sure, the Odinsleep would have extended Odin’s lifespan, but by that much? Idk).

Still, fuck Odin. Especially since he’ll eventually try to shame Loki for doing the same thing he’s fucking boasting about here. And on a much smaller scale too.

…is it, though?

I actually think Loki’s relationship with being the centre of attention is really interesting in its complexity and we don’t discuss it enough. I’ve said this before, but he strikes me as the sort of person who craves attention but also wouldn’t really know what to do with it if he had it. He craves it as a result of neglect, because he’s never been shown recognition or validation. This is why he seems to revel in it in Stuttgart, even in (or maybe especially in?) his brainwashed state. But he also frequently comes across as pretty introverted and has horrible self-esteem, so I think on another level, sustained, genuine attention would make him feel kind of uncomfortable. Loki seems to believe that in order to be loved or respected, he has to literally be Thor, though. And Thor has always been the centre of attention, so for Loki, attention is synonymous with respect.

I find Loki’s relationship with wanting attention especially fascinating because I too both crave and fear it. As a borderline, I need it. When no one is paying attention to me, I lose my sense of identity. I feel as though I literally cease to exist. It’s excruciatingly painful. And yet, I have no authentic sense of self; I’m just a chameleon, and the closer people get to me, the more likely it is they’ll see behind my mask. They’ll realise it’s all a show and that I’m actually no one. And then they’ll leave. I can’t help wondering if that’s how Loki feels sometimes too.

Wait, what? You mean goat. His horns are shaped like a goat’s. This is a ram:

This is a goat:

This is Loki:

Do you see now? They’re like a goat. Not a ram. Not a cow. A GOAT.

This book was written before Ragnarok was a thing, so it may be unfair to connect the two, but it still seems worth noting that it was Thor who reduced Loki to being no more than a trickster to begin with. “You could be more,” my ass. Loki’s problem has never been that he was one-dimensional; it was always that the people in his life, including Thor, refused to see any other dimensions to him. Which makes those words particularly cruel—as if they aren’t cruel enough already, what with the physical torture and all.

Always happy to have cause to point out that

Loki was on Thor clean-up duty their whole lives; he certainly was not trying to kill Thor.

People like to point to Loki’s attempted genocide of the Jötnar and attempted(-ish? lol) conquest of Earth as proof that he’s some kind of violent maniac. But in a little place I like to call reality, Loki was historically far less aggressive and bloodthirsty than his peers.

Question: why is one conqueror evil and the other is righteously entitled to ruling over the Nine Realms?

Asgardian exceptionalism FTW

I can’t even begin to imagine what would lead you to expect such a thing, Odin. 😂

Uh, ‘cause it is?? And also their planet is MELTING without it??

This is all only within the first two chapters, btw. Lmao

—

“Looking for answers,” my foot.

YOU WOULD THINK SO, WOULDN’T YOU??

#i mean unless you knew heimdall #he only commits treason on days that end in y

—

What’d I say? Thor clean-up dutyyyyy

Just wanna remind everyone that this

is why he’s smiling during this scene

because it makes me laugh every time. 😂

—

My heart breaks every time I remember that second excerpt because literally ALL OF IT happened to him when he survived falling through the wormhole. My poor boy. 😭

But also of note… Loki gets cold (and also does not like being cold). This interests me because 1) as many are aware, the prevalent headcanon that Loki has a low body temperature irritates me and 2) it possibly(?) lends weight to the theory that he may not be fully Jötun, whether by virtue of his birth or Odin’s spell.

Haha, look at this Feminist Icon™ trying to take credit for his female friend’s accomplishments! Truly inspiring.

#for some reason the ragnarok lovers have somehow decided that thor is both a feminist and lesbian icon #whatever that means 🤷‍♀️ #and i'm still trying very hard to figure out why #is it literally just because he *says* he respects women or whatever in that dumb rambly conversation with valkyrie?

Ooh… you were so close to getting the point, Volstagg. So close. Take your tongue off Odin’s boot for just a couple minutes longer.

Also, the author just forgot the name of the Casket. How did this book get published? 😂

JUST LOOKING FOR ANSWERS, HUH?

Because fuck Loki, amirite? He, uh… he’s a prince too, you know.

Also… Fandral, you dweeb 😂

…am I reading too much into this, or did Odin just literally forget that Loki exists?

On the other hand, the author also seemed to forget Loki existed for most of this chapter, so who knows. 🤷‍♀️

lmao @ Jane immediately trying to convince herself she’s too rational to be attracted to a stranger

Honestly, though, big mood.

Just your periodic reminder that Thor’s sycophantic friends KNEW Loki was right and decided to throw him under the bus anyway.

Just as I’ve always said: That was it. That was their ENTIRE rationale. That Loki *could* have done it, therefore he must have. Please tell me these people have nothing to do with Asgard’s justice system.

…lol, jk, Asgard has no justice system.

Ok, first of all, no.

Second: thank you, Fandral. You’re a self-absorbed cad, but also evidently Thor’s least stupid friend.

Thirdly, how…? First, it was, “Loki arranged all this because he’s jealous of Thor.” Now they’ve suddenly jumped all the way to, “All of Asgard is in danger.” What exactly does Sif think Loki is planning? He’s gonna, what… assassinate Odin and then sell Asgard to the Jötnar?

—

Please stop hurting me.

Just so there’s no confusion: this one sentence explains everything Loki did for the rest of the movie. It explains how a person who has been historically non-aggressive suddenly transforms into a warmonger. To prove himself a real Asgardian, like his brother and father and grandfather.

—

…why did Odin fall into the Odinsleep in two completely different scenes in this book? I’m super confused.

Also, we really need to talk about how cruel it is of Marvel to keep forcing Loki to prove his loyalty again and again and again when he’s been doing so almost literally since we met him. And by “we need to talk about it”, I mean I need to tie Kevin Feige and co. to a chair and spend a minimum of five hours lecturing them on how poorly they understand their own fucking character.

Let’s just be clear here: they’re talking about Loki. They’re saying Loki, their LEGITIMATE king, is an enemy of Asgard, based on evidence so paper-thin it’s practically invisible. Just… please, let that sink in. Take a moment to appreciate how utterly fucked up that is.

I’m sorry (not really), but Thor was so much funnier before Ragnarok.

This scene has always kind of bugged me. If Odin removed Thor’s powers, how come he can still control the weather? Confusing.

So what exactly was Thor’s plan anyway, before he realised he couldn’t lift Mjölnir? He was just gonna call on Heimdall to help him commit treason AGAIN, show up on Asgard against the expressed command of his king, and… Odin would just shrug and be like, “You got me, son! I guess I can’t keep you down. Welcome home!”?

…I mean, I guess that more or less is what happened in the end, but it’s hard to imagine it would have still gone down that way without all the stuff that happened with Loki. Idk.

#look what i'm saying is... thor is not exactly a thinking person #no one on asgard is a thinking person #except loki but he's crazy now so he's also thinking somewhat poorly lol

Cool, Thor. Now imagine feeling that way for ONE THOUSAND YEARS and develop a little fucking empathy for your brother.

But you won’t.

You’ll brush off his feelings of worthlessness as “imagined slights”. 😒

Nice that somebody knows how the royal line of succession works, I guess…

That sound you hear? Yeah, that’s just my heart breaking. NBD.

First, they mislabelled it the Casket of Eternal Winters. Now it’s the Cask of Ancient Winters. Author must have been thirsty when they wrote this. Lol

Look, not to nitpick, but this is not the recommended procedure when you see a storm that you don’t believe is of supernatural origin coming. I’m just saying. Lol

Uh… ‘cause he is?? And your pals are committing treason AGAIN, Thor, so it technically is responding to a threat to Asgard. Just FYI.

Anyways, this is an important point that doesn’t get made often enough. People want to act like Loki illegally usurped the throne somehow, but even without the deleted scene that explicitly shows Frigga passing rulership to him (a scene which is, for some reason, entirely skipped over in this book, but whatever), understand this: Loki could not have controlled the Destroyer unless he was legitimately King of Asgard. The fact that he’s able to do so is irrefutable proof that his rulership is valid.

lmao you little shit

So… here’s my issue with this scene (and with Thor as a character): He always assumes that Loki’s acting out specifically to hurt him. That Loki’s entire life and thought process revolves around Thor. He does it in this scene, he does it in The Avengers… it’s just a chronic thing with Thor. Everything is viewed through the lens of Loki inexplicably hating him.

But that’s… just not accurate. Yes, Loki harbours a lot of jealousy towards Thor. But that’s not what’s happening in this scene. Loki is not trying to kill Thor here because he wants him dead; he’s doing it because Thor (and his friends) are getting in the way of Loki completing his ultimate goal. Loki tried to solve this problem non-violently, by lying about Odin being dead. It’s Thor’s friends who all but forced his hand by going behind his back and trying to bring Thor back to Asgard against Loki’s (and Odin’s!) direct orders.

For all the humility he’s learned in the past few days, this entire speech is still really all about Thor. About assuming that Loki’s doing this for personal reasons, because he holds a grudge against Thor for some unknown reason. This is implicit in his request to “take [my life] and end this.” It never even occurs to him that his friends are traitors to the Crown and Loki, as King of Asgard, is perhaps justified in pursuing them.

It also needs to be acknowledged that Thor’s apology here is hollow, even if it’s ultimately coming from his heart, because he has no idea what he’s apologising for. “Whatever I have done to wrong you” is not an apology. An apology addresses specific hurtful actions taken and commits to not repeating those mistakes in the future. Thor cannot commit to not repeating the hurtful things he’s done, because he doesn’t know what he’s done. Despite his best intentions, what Thor is doing here is actually kind of manipulative. He’s not addressing any substantive issue between the two of them; he’s just trying to talk Loki down. And it ultimately fails not because Loki doesn’t care or because he wants Thor dead, but because it doesn’t actually change anything.

Finally and only semi-relatedly, we should maybe at some point talk about the fact that Loki, who is stated to be a master tactician, has displayed a weird pattern of hardly ever being as lethal as he could be. He freezes Heimdall in place instead of killing him outright; he backhands Thor with the Destroyer instead of incinerating him; he, well… *gestures vaguely at almost the entirety of the first Avengers movie* Anytime the violence is even a little bit personal, he seems to hedge. Odd behaviour for somebody who’s supposedly super evil.

I’m sorry, I know I’ve pointed it out at least a hundred times before, but I just can’t encounter this scene in any form without taking a moment to appreciate how underrated and hilarious it is.

I also genuinely wonder how many Ragnarok stans who have accused me of having no sense of humour, have failed to laugh at moments like this one. Kinda feel like if you need to have the comedy spoonfed to you in the form of ass jokes, maybe you’re the one whose sense of humour is lacking. 🤷‍♀️

Let’s be super clear: this is not what happened. Loki did not betray Odin; he was betrayed by Odin. He did not open Asgard to its enemies; he attempted, misguidedly, to destroy Asgard’s enemies. And he most certainly did not commit suicide out of a sense of guilt.

I’m not saying Loki did nothing wrong, nor am I saying he feels no regret for the lives he has taken. What I’m saying is there’s no indication that he believes he betrayed Odin or Asgard in the process. Which makes perfect sense, because he didn’t. Everything he tried to do was for Odin and Asgard. It was misguided and horrible, yes, but it can hardly be classified as a betrayal.

The insurmountable burden on Loki is not that he did terrible things, but that no matter what he does or how hard he tries, Odin will never look at him with anything but contempt. Consider once more these passages from the very beginning of the book, at Thor’s coronation:

—

Consider that this book goes to great pains to point out that Odin favours Thor because Thor is a warrior like him. And yet even when Loki embraces that, even when he acts more war-like than ever before, Odin rejects him— just as he always has.

There is a reason why this moment is the last time Loki will ever call Odin his father. Because he realises once and for all that, no, nothing he tries will ever be good enough; no, Odin won’t ever look at him with pride. That is Loki’s burden. That is why he lets go.

The epilogue is really just two pages of making me want to vomit.

There’s your party where Thor and a certain subset of the fandom insist that Loki was mourned. There’s barely an indication here that anyone even perceives his demise as a negative thing.

“[Sif] could see Frigga thought [Loki was dead] as well” also contradicts the tie-in comic for TDW, so I don’t know what the author is on about there. Unlike the majority of Marvel comics, the tie-in comics are canon to the MCU, so it’s a bizarre statement to make.

COULD YOU SMEAR THE DEAD* ABUSE VICTIM A LITTLE HARDER, PLEASE? Fucking hell.

No matter how many times I encounter this scene, in whatever format, I still fail to become desensitized to how disgusting it is. I realise there’s a good chance that whatever version of events Thor has been told was twisted at best; but how you can look at a man whose son has just committed suicide under any circumstances and say there will never be a better father than that guy, is utterly beyond my capacity to understand.

And Odin’s “you’ve already made me proud” line just feels like extra salt in the wound because, again, Loki let go because he realized Odin would never say those words to him. And yet they come so damn easily when it’s Thor.

Fuck this entire family so much. I think I hate them more than Loki does. Sometimes I wonder what he would think about that. How he would react to knowing that not only is he actually loved, but that he’s so loved that people are genuinely furious at the way he’s been mistreated. That there are people who regularly devolve into full-on rants because they just can’t contain how much anger they have towards the people who hurt him. I think he’d have a hard time wrapping his head around that concept, tbh.

Anyways, to end on a not-completely-depressing note, I’m still waiting for someone at Marvel to explain how Loki knew what Thor said in this scene after plummeting into a wormhole. ‘Cause he references this conversation as Fauxdin at the end of TDW. So like… ?? Did he steal Odin’s memories before he erased them? Because that would be… kind of neat, actually. And very clever. Not entirely ethical, of course, but it’s Odin, so fuck ethics.

WELP, THAT’S IT. Thanks for following along with my dumbassery, hope you enjoyed yourselves. Lol

#phase one: thor #loki meta #thor meta #odin's a+ parenting #frigga's b+ parenting #topic: thor and loki's broken relationship #loki #thor #heimdall #lady sif #the warriors 3 #jane foster #ragnarok cinematic universe #mcu #topic: asgardian hypocrisy #topic: asgardian militarism #topic: odin's family dynamic

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seijorhi · 4 years

Text

asks :)

some of y’all have rlly big brains 🧠👀

What about Bokuto ignoring you when you suggest to go outside. He'll smile and hug you and changes the subject. When you try to bring it up again, he'll slowly increase his strength of his hug. A warning for you to behave 😬. I love you and your writing.

Happy Birthday Daddy Owl.

First of all I’m sorry I was late for this bby!

Second of all YEEEEESSSS!

Bokuto is honestly so terrifying as a yandere! It’s not a punishment, it’s more like a natural response. He doesn’t want you slipping away from him, not to go outside, not to go to the kitchen, not to leave his side for a split second. And sometimes he forgets his own strength (does he though?). It’ll start to hurt, you’ll feel like you can’t breathe and your ribs are gonna crack with his muscled arms squeezing you tightly as he buries his face in the crook of your neck and coos about how much he loves you. But if you can’t breathe you can’t talk right? You can’t keep saying that you want to leave him. He won’t let you leave him. But maybe that’s better than the alternative.

Keep pushing and you’re gonna get an emotional and upset Bo and neither of you want that.

the dynamic between akaashi/bo and reader??? you have me so interested ma’am I just love all your writing and concepts!!!

Ok ok :)

So basically the you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place here. There’s Bokuto, who drugged you at a party and delivered you neatly gift wrapped (hehe) to your completely enamoured and insane captor. He’s friendly, excitable and equally as fucked up as Kuroo (he was the one to kidnap you after all) and sees absolutely nothing wrong with the situation.

And then you have Akaashi. Akaashi who’s in some of your classes, who’s a sort of friend. Akaashi who should be more than a little concerned that his best friend has kidnapped you while his other friend is keeping you like a little housewife.

Bokuto’s all exuberance and wide sunny smiles, he treats you like you’re one of them, like you want to be there. Doesn’t question why you’re afraid of him - if anything, he seems to be more concerned with getting you to like him by forcing you into friendly cuddles and dragging you out into the longer room to come hang with him when Kuroo’s not around. He won’t listen to a word about how uncomfortable (how scared) you are. You’re perfect for Kuroo - he’s never been happier and Bokuto has no interest in upsetting this new balance.

And then there’s Akaashi. Unlike the other two you know he sees how wrong this is, how much you don’t want to be there in Kuroo’s bed every night - or there in the apartment with them at all. He knows you - knows that this is wrong, but-

But he won’t lift a finger to stop it. He’s nice to you, sweet. You think maybe he pities you, or maybe it’s his own guilt for letting this happen, but he’s the one you find yourself crawling too when you’re scared or overwhelmed (not when Kuroo can see - never when there’s that chance) but he’s also the one to watch you in the classes Kuroo doesn’t share with you. He’s a friend - was a friend - but now you don’t know how to act around him. Maybe if you push him subtly enough, he’ll feel guilty enough to help you - but be careful, because Kuroo loves his friends, but he didn’t sign up to sharing you, and he certainly doesn’t appreciate the odd occasional glance Akaashi sends your way when he thinks you aren’t watching 👀

Just read Gift Wrapped pt 3 and first: It was very good just like all your fics are and second: It made me realize just how weak i am for soft, delusional yanderes! Like a yandere that has no idea that you’re really scared of them and is also generally attempting to make you feel good 👌👌👌👌

Delusional yandere’s are so fun to write!! It’s soft but... make it creepy y’know? 👀thank you bby!

I just wanted to say

1. Outrunning fate is too good

2. I kinda freaked/flipped out knowing you’ll maybe write another part to it

3. I’m getting too distracted from doing actually college work because I’m rereading your fics

Out of all the fics I listed, this is probably the one I’m most torn about. I don’t mean to bait you guys and there’s still a possibility that I won’t write more for it, but fuck I just love the concept and dynamics between Toshi and Tendou and their poor darling soulmate. We’ll see, okay? Also that’s very valid sometimes i get distracted re-reading my own stuff instead of writing new stuff so, I getcha haha

Your content is nothing but superb and sinfully filling♨️♨️💓💓💓. I-is it okay to ask for more ushijima content? I love that brick wall so much and even had a delulu dream where i was his childhood friend who is always salty with him and when we met up as adults he caught on to my jabs and ended up getting railed by him eye-EJFJWJFA MY THIRST FOR THIS BLOCKHEAD IS DRIVING ME INSANE PLS I NEED HELP- SJXJSJCJ i love you rhi. Thnx for all your content👏👏👏

I’m writing an Ushijima breeding kink fic for a friend so there’s that to look forward to :)

i too wish i could dream about getting railed by mr jima 😌

Gift wrapped was soooooo good! I can’t get enough of possessive and delusional Kuroo 😍. I love how you write from the pov of an unreliable narrater. You do it so well!

And now I’m also really curious about the dynamic between reader and Bokuto + Akaashi. Especially how Akaashi’s going to react to all of this 🙊 - @closetdegen

Thank you!!! I love from the yandere’s pov especially when they’re the delusional sort. It was fun trying to show the reader’s terror and fear while also having that fit within Kuroo’s perfect little idealised perception. It’s soft and romantic and fucking terrifying imo. Anyway, thank you!!!

the fics you mentioned writing extra parts to bitch askxjfhslg ALL of those are my favorites !!!! no pressure to continue any of them bc i totally understand where you’re coming from, but i need you to know that if you so choose to write another part for any of them i will literally rejoice and be so fuckin thankful 😭 anyways, love you & you’re amazing

Ahh thank you sm sweetheart!! 😭😭😭

Okay I know I'm asking a little bit too much but have you considered continuing on with the GW series? Maybe not fully fledged fics but more of drabbles or maybe short headcannons? You are a phenomenal writer that always leaves me craving for more 😭 There's just so much more I want to see from this world, like how Akaashi would react to seeing her since Kuroo seems like he would force her to move in, how their life would be now, etc. I hope you don't take this the wrong way! I don't want you to write something you don't want to. I'm just genuinely curious 🥺

Will I write another full length fic for it? Probably not. If somebody asks will I answer a bunch of questions and maybe do some drabbles/headcanons? Yeah, and that goes for pretty much any fic I’ve written. I love it when you guys react well to a fic and wanna know more. And thank you, bby!

Gift wrapped 🎁 part 3 was so insanely good that it made me want to finish acing my quizzes faster so I could reread it again 💖💖💖💖👀

asdfghjkl ily bby!!

YOO THAT KUROO WRAPPED THO- o m g I want smt where maybe this isn’t part of the fic but like a separate one where it’s a jealous Yan Kuroo 👁👄👁 u don’t have to do it it’s just a thought

Dw bby, I have some lovely jealous Kuroo fics in the works for you!! Also idk if you’ve read it already but Mr Perfect is there if you wanna see some feral Kuroo 👀

#BD answers #BD thirsts #concepts #fic q's #BD rambles #a bit of everything #ily guys

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eberles · 4 years

Text

heybarzy’s prompt list

this is my prompt list! i wanted to make one for myself because i hardly ever like every. single. prompt on the ones i reblog! i hope you guys like it and find it useful! feel free to use this list for yourselves too! i’ll probably update this!

send prompts and a person anytime! :) just be patient with posting times!

angst

“We both know that I should walk away, but I can’t.”

“Wait, he/she has a girlfriend/boyfriend ?“

“I lo-” “No, please… Don’t say that. You love her/him, not me.”

“You’re safe here, I got you.”

“If you go, I’ll know that you never loved me.”

“We never were just friends, and you know it.” “I know it, but you deserve someone better than me.”

“SHE WAS CRYING BECAUSE OF YOU!!!”

“You’re looking at me like.. you’re disgusted. What did I do? Just tell me what I did, please!”

“What happened between us?”

“Nothing has changed!” “Yes it has, and you know it.”

“Love isn’t supposed to hurt this badly.”

“I don’t hate you. I hate that after all of this, you’re still trying to lie to me”

“I can’t keep this secret for you anymore.”

“I’m sorry I’m not what you signed up for.”

“This will be the last time you lie to me.”

“You never loved me, did you?”

“You made me miserable and I still loved you.”

“We’re never going to have a happy ending, just remember that.”

“Don’t pretend like you’re not happy to see me like this.”

“And I thought you loved me.”

“Aren’t you even going to cry?”

“I didn’t expect you to wait forever. I just hoped…”

“Did you always know that you were going to leave?”

“If you cry, I’ll stay, and if I stay that will just give you another reason to hate me.”

“I’m addicted and at this point I don’t think anything could make me stop.”

”If you wanna know, then ask.”

“You never asked because you knew I wouldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear.”

“We grew apart, and at this point I’m glad.”

“Can you stop thinking about yourself for once?”

“Don’t think I forgot about what you did last time.”

“I know you lied to me.”

“I’m not even sorry.”

“I never want to see you again.”

“You never mattered to me.”

“How DARE you?!”

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most.”

“I never loved you.”

“It’s too late.”

“Quit ignoring me.”

“Don’t you get it? It’s because I love you!”

“I don’t want to be friends.”

“You should’ve loved me when you had the chance.”

“Fuck you for toying with my emotions like that.”

“I knew that’d be your answer. That’s why I never told you before.”

“Is there any part of you, deep down, that might love me back?”

“You’re in a relationship with another person – you know this can’t end well.”

“We agreed this was just physical!”

“You broke my heart and all you can say is sorry?”

“Why are you lying to me?”

“Do you even still love me?”

“I said that I was sorry, what more do you want?”

“Well say something.”

“When did you stop loving me?”

“Are you ashamed of me?”

“We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

“If you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back.”

“You should have told me sooner.”

“Please don’t leave.”

“Stop pushing me away.”

“Don’t fucking touch me.”

“What else don’t I know about?”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“I hate you.”

“This is all your fault.”

“Drop the attitude.”

“Why do you care?”

“Fuck you.”

“Just leave me alone.”

“I’m done. We’re done.”

“Stop making empty promises.”

fluff

“Your hair is really soft after you wash it.”

“Ssh. Stop fussing. I’m just braiding your hair.”

“You smell really nice.”

“Would it be all right if I borrowed your sweater? It smells like you.”

“If you steal the blankets, I am going to put my cold feet on you.”

“Here, let’s share the blanket.”

“You’re comfy.”

“Don’t get up - I’ll do it.”

“Care to give me a back scratch?”

“I think I love you.”

“Your bed head is really cute.”

“How about a kiss?”

“You made this for me?”

”Aw, you’re blushing.”

“Uh oh, I know that look. What do you want?”

“Let me help you with that.”

“I don’t want to forget this moment.”

“Are you really flirting with me right now?”

“I like the way your hand fits in mine.”

“You have something in your hair, umm… Do you want me to get it out?”

“It’s nice that your voice was the first thing I heard today.”

“This movie is really scary, but you’re into it so I’m trying not to cover my face the whole time, but- WHAT IS THAT?”

“Wait, don’t pull away… Not yet.”

“I’ve been trying to get ready for like an hour and a half, because I know you’re going to look so good and I need to try and match up.”

“I wanted to say “I love you” for the first time without stuttering, but that failed.”

“My friends get so annoyed by how much I talk about how sometimes.”

“I can’t get over how a few months ago I wanted to learn your name and now you’re having breakfast with me in my sweater.”

“ You are so beautiful — So fucking beautiful. “

“And just WHERE do you think you’re putting your hands?”

“Wow, you look even better in the daylight.”

“We could order pizza and just stay like this all day.”

“It was always you.”

”I love you in every possible way.”

“Shh, you’re safe. I won’t let you go.”

“When I said I loved you, I meant it.”

“Just kiss me.”

“Are you coming to bed?”

“I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“Are you jealous?”

“This reminds me of you.”

“You make me happy.”

“Will you stay the night?”

“Good morning, sunshine.”

“Hey, are you still awake?”

“I’m here.”

“Let me give you a massage.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Calm down.”

“Come cuddle.”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

“Take my jacket.”

“Can I come in?”

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Stay, please?”

“Marry me?”

“I wanted to apologise.”

“I got you something.”

“You keep that picture of us in your wallet?”

“Do I look okay?”

“You’ve got me.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“You’re a pain in the ass, you know?”

“You look amazing tonight.”

“How can I help?”

“I need a hug.”

“Let me take care of you.”

“Is that my hoodie?”

“I love you.”

“I like when you wear my clothes.”

“It was always you.”

“Your eyes… they’re so beautiful.”

“Hold my hand.”

“My future has you in it.”

“Hey cutie, are you single?”

“Don’t go on that date.”

“As if I’m going to let you go that easy.”

“Don’t be stubborn.”

“I’ll always protect you.”

random

“I love you. You enormously stubborn pain in the ass.”

“And you wonder why you’re still single.”

“Remind me to kill you. Please.”

“That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think?”

“She’s crazy. And just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, there’s a crazy underground garage.”

“If my day gets any worse, I’m asking hell if they’re having an exchange program.”

“Somebody’s cranky.” “Somebody needs to shut up.”

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

“All due respect, but that’s a bunch of crap.”

“I heard that!” “You were supposed to!”

“I turned out liking you a lot more than I originally planned.”

“Quit touching me, your feet are cold!”

“Sharing is caring, now give me the hoodie!”

“Can you please…? Hmmm, I don’t know. Maybe put a shirt on?!”

“You come here often?” “Well, I work here. So I think I’d have to say ‘yes’.”

“You’re insane,” “You love me,” “Not right now I don’t.”

“Give me attention.”

“I’m too sober for this.” “You don’t even drink.” “Maybe I should start.”

“How is my wife more badass than me?”

“Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”

“That was kind of hot.”

“I’m gonna tickle you if you don’t come over here.”

“Did you know that you talk in your sleep?”

#prompt list #blurbs #blurb list #imagines

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adhd-hyperfixations-n-stuff · 4 years

Note

Hey do you have any advice on how to support people with Avoidant Personality Disorder?

First, I’m sorry for taking a while to respond to this — I’ve been pretty busy with school and generally worn out, and wanted to wait until I could put some thought into the answer (putting it under a cut bc it got kinda long haha).

Obviously I can’t speak for everyone with AvPD (and I have a lot of overlapping disorders) so take everything with a grain of salt, but I have had it for years and it’s had a major impact on my life, so here’s what I’ve got:

Don’t try to force us out of our comfort zones. My parents did this for years, and it was awful. AvPD is not just shyness — oftentimes, we don’t even have a social “comfort zone” to begin with, and it puts us under basically constant stress. If someone with AvPD is trying to push themself outside of that anyway, absolutely support them, but never try to force it. Even if you mean well, some people’s disorder is so bad that they won’t be able to handle seemingly “little” interactions without extremely severe anxiety. (For example, I couldn’t speak in class at all, order food or buy things in a store for myself, or even leave my house without insanely terrible anxiety for years).

Avoid putting us on the spot. Forcing us to be the center of attention, even briefly or in a “low-stakes” setting can be incredibly stressful. Of course sometimes it’s necessary, but even just doing introductions in a small group or something can be really hard for us. (I once had a panic attack because my therapist was bringing in someone else who worked there to have a practice conversation with me, and that’s about as low-stakes as it gets.)

Don’t assume we’re boring. It’s common for us to be ashamed of literally every interest or personality trait we have, and try to turn ourselves into the most bland, generic copy of a person to cover that up. Until recent years, I wouldn’t even talk to my closest friends about interests we didn’t share. (This applies more to stuff like music, TV shows, movies, etc. than just general hobbies.) If someone with AvPD does share their interests with you, try not to make fun of them or anything — even if it’s not mean-spirited, it can make us regret opening up.

Don’t make jokes at our expense (unless you know the person well enough to be sure they’re okay with it). This obviously applies in general, but it’s harder to be sure with AvPD. When you constantly second-guess everything you do and are convinced you’re screwing everything up, even super lighthearted teasing or laughing at something silly you did can translate in our brains to “oh god I messed up again and they all think I’m an idiot.”

Be the one to initiate plans if you have to (and try not to take that personally). If you want to spend time with us, ask, because we pretty much can’t. I went years never asking a friend to hang out, and always waiting for someone else to initiate. It never meant I didn’t want to spend time with them, I was just worried about making them feel obligated, and didn’t feel like I was worthy of attention.

Spend time with us one-on-one sometimes. If you’re close to someone with AvPD, they may still be anxious around you, but will probably be a lot more comfortable with just you than with you and a bunch of other people. Especially since we don’t tend to have a lot of friends ourselves for obvious reasons, always being with a friend/partner and all their other friends can make us feel like we’re just there out of pity or something and don’t fit in with the group. You are definitely not obligated to give the person your attention all the time or put them above all your other friends, but spending some time with just them (and maybe one or two other people they trust) can help. If we’re clingy to one or two people, it’s often because we have no one else and it gets super lonely living like that.

Don’t assume we want to be alone. On a day-to-day basis I did, in the sense that I felt safer alone due to less anxiety, but I never wanted to be alone. Before I was even a teenager, I was terrified that I was going to die alone because I had no genuine friends and would probably never form any close relationships. I would get so jealous of people with real friends that it hurt, and I always wanted a best friend. I buried myself in reading and writing for years to fill that void (and developed maladaptive daydreaming disorder because I was so isolated irl).

Remind them you actually like them. For pretty much my whole life, I’ve felt like my friends put up with me out of pity or convenience or something, because I truly don’t understand how anyone could actually like me as a person. Of course, you don’t have to say it outright unless they literally ask (which they may be too anxious to do), but make sure they know that you actually enjoy being around them and aren’t doing it for some other reason.

Take it seriously as a disorder and provide accommodations. This one only really applies to people who have some administrative power over a person with AvPD, such as at school. In my opinion, we absolutely should be able to get exemptions/alternate assignments for things that give us heart palpitations and almost make us pass out — but I still had to do presentations before medication, and would stress about them for days in advance and then have severe panic attacks in front of everyone every time. School in general was awful and some of that was unavoidable, but it was easier with the rare teachers who would let me get out of those things.

Idk, some of these may be obvious but I’m just going off my own experience. If anyone has more questions feel free to ask them!

Also, this is more of a suggestion for people with AvPD, but I would really recommend getting on medication for it if you can find one that helps you. Therapy did absolutely nothing for my AvPD, except for eventually directing me to a psychiatrist because I was basically a hopeless case without meds.

I’m still avoidant and self-conscious and feel inferior to everyone else, but I no longer have the severe anxiety symptoms — I can now handle basic interactions (and even way more stressful ones like presentations) without constant stress and panic attacks, and I had some longterm chronic physical symptoms (digestive issues, jaw pain) clear up too. Within a week, it genuinely felt like the anxiety goggles had been pulled off and I was able to see the world more normally for the first time.

#answered ask #avpd #avoidant personality disorder #actually avpd #actually avoidant #personality disorders #social anxiety #social anxiety disorder #(avpd and sad have big overlap so tagging both)#and ive had both #though now I think it's only avpd since I started meds

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pitubea1910 · 4 years

Text

One Night

Pairing: Noah Centineo x Reader

Words: 9k

Warnings: fluff but some angsty topic is mentioned

Tags: -

Request: -

Notes: after ages, I’m finally posting again. This is my first ever Noah imagine and I hope you like it :) let me know!

Masterlist

When your best friend Jo, Joanna for her family, invited you to Los Angeles for a long weekend, you couldn’t say no.

She had gone to UCLA while you had decided to stay in Phoenix and go to the UoP. Which meant, you had gone from seeing her every single day to just a few times a year. At first, it was weird. You used to facetime every single day, but eventually you got used to it. It wasn’t like you lost contact, you kept on talking every day, but not seeing each other just became your new normal.

Jo invited you over many times and you barely said no. So when you had a long weekend, at the beginning of the term of your Junior year and she invited you, you immediately bought the flights.

“I’m starving”, you said as soon as you walked into the apartment where she lived off campus.

On her first year, she had been living in the dorms, but she switched on her second year without a doubt. You had spent weeks helping her our to find the new apartment over the summer and when you two found this one, the decision was made. It was perfect. That’s why she had decided to stay in it for Junior year as well.

“You always are starving”, Jo said. “That’s why you have a sandwich waiting for you in the kitchen”, she added when she closed the door.

“Oh my God, you’re the best”, you said making your way to the kitchen.

While you ate the sandwich she had prepared, she took your stuff to the guest room. Usually, you shared her bed, since it was a double, but you always kept your stuff in a separate room just in case any of you had company at night. It wasn’t like any of you were the kind to sleep around a lot but it could happen and it was better to be prepared.

“What plan do we have?” You asked going into her room with the sandwich in your hand.

“So this guy from my Pediatrics class”, she said, “knows a guy who knows another guy who has a house in Beverly Hills and is throwing a party tonight.”

“Wait, what? A party? In a house? In Beverly Hills?” You asked shocked. “Did he invite you?”

“Indeed he did”, she smiled widely.

“What kind of friends do you have? This is crazy!” You exclaimed.

“I know, right?” She said as excited as you were. “I wanted to tell you over the phone, but I wanted to see your reaction. He told me there probably be famous people. Actually, he thinks the house belongs to some celebrity. He didn’t ask though.”

“You’re kidding me”, you laughed.

“Look at me”, she said pointing at her face. “Is this the face of someone kidding?”

“This is insane”, you said before laughing out loud. “How did you even get him to invite you?”

“I may have slept with him a few times”, she shrugged.

“Now that explains everything”, you said throwing a pillow at her face.

The rest of the afternoon was spent trying on outfits for that night. Suddenly, everything you had brought looked useless. You literally emptied your whole luggage trying to find something to wear but it was pointless. At least until Jo told you that it would be full of people from college, so there was really nothing to worry about. It was more of a casual party.

It was a relief.

You ended up picking some clear blue ripped jeans, a grey top and your Doctor Martens. It wasn’t cold at all so you thought about not taking any jacket with you, but when Jo told that the house was up in the hills, you took a black blazer from your luggage and tried it on. Yeah. It could work.

“You look amazing, girl”, Jo said when you were finally ready to go.

“You’re one to talk”, you said looking at your friend up and down. “How are we going to get there?”

“An Uber is on its way”, she said.

Then, she walked to a small chest of drawers that was next to the door and took some keys out of the first drawer.

“Here you go”, she said. “And I’ve sent you the address in case you know…things get interesting”, she winked.

You laughed out loud and took the keys from her hand. It wouldn’t be the first time you would separate during the night because you met someone interesting. The only rule was to text to let the other know you were going home.

“And the Uber is here, let’s go!” She said excitedly.

The whole way to the house, you were telling her all about how things were at home. Your parents had divorced a couple of months ago and you were still getting used to the new situation. It was confusing, to say the least, but you knew it was for the best. Your parents had been fighting way too much over the last year and you knew it was for the best.

“And you’re okay?” Jo asked.

“Yeah”, you nodded. “I see my father every week for lunch or dinner”, you shrugged.

“Isn’t it weird?” She asked.

“It was at first”, you admitted. “None of us knew what to talk about. It was like there was this wall between us that we didn’t know how to tear down”, you told her. Jo took your hand and gave it a small squeeze which you returned. “But we ended up finding a common ground and now we’re good. He actually took me to the airport this morning.”

“And how’s Harper?” She asked quietly.

You bite your lip as she mentioned your sister, trying not to tear up like it happened every time someone brought it up. Your sister was just two years younger than you and had been diagnosed with leukaemia about three years ago. She had been on treatment ever since, which was costing a lot of money, which had caused you to end up looking for a job to help and pay the bills and your college. Reason why you ended up staying in Arizona.

You tried to always stay positive for her and for your parents, but every time you took her to the hospital for her treatment, it became more and more difficult. And then, when your parents started with the divorce, it felt like the whole world was going to crush you. However, now that the divorce was through, you could see how much your mum needed it.

“Better I think”, you finally said. “The doctors are positive.”

“That’s good”, Jo nodded. “You really got me worried, you know?”

“I’m okay, don’t worry”, you said with a smile. “And now we’re going to have fun, please? I need to disconnect from home, at least for a few hours.”

“You’re right”, she nodded. “We are going to this party, we’re going to get drunk and hook up with some famous guy”, she said, making you laugh. “Maybe not all of the above, but we’re going to have fun.”

You smiled warmly at her and gave her a quick hug. Jo had always been there for you, ever since kindergarten when she stood up for you when a boy named Clint made fun of you because of the butterfly wings you were using. That moment created an unbreakable bond between you two. That kind that appears when two people happen to hate the same person. It’s a bit mean, but that’s how humans are.

“We’re here”, the driver said.

“Okay, thank you so much!” Jo said just before stepping out of the car and waiting for you to do the same.

You put on your jacket immediately. Jo had been right. There was a bit of wind around that made you shiver. For a moment, you took out your phone to check it out in case you had any messages, but you quickly threw it back into your purse when you heard Jo gasping.

“What is it?” You asked. “Wow…” you said.

The house you were looking at was immense. It was all white and had a lot of windows and three floors. Who the hell owned a house like this? Jo had been right when she said that it belonged to someone famous. It was the only option. Unless it was actually owned by the rich parents of someone who went to college. Who knew.

“C’mon”, Jo said, taking your hand and going towards the entrance where a security guy was warding the door.

Jo had to end up calling his friend so he would come and pick them up at the door, since the security guy didn’t trust you at all. It was annoying, but when Jo’s friend showed up a few minutes later, he immediately let you in with an apology.

“Shut up”, you said to your friend when she mumbled something concerning the bodyguard’s mother. “You know he can kick us out, right?”

“Fine”, she said. “I’ll behave. Anyway, this is Jason. Jason, this is (Y/N)”, she said.

“I finally get to meet you”, Jason said with a smile. “Jo is always talking about you.”

“Of course she is”, you shrugged. “She is in love with me.”

“How couldn’t I be? Have you seen her face?” She said making you both laugh.

“What are you studying, by the way?” Jason asked you while he guided you around the gardens of the house. The party was probably in the back, although you could see people everywhere.

“Marketing”, you said. “What about you? Nursing too?”

“Oh no”, Jo said in a teasing tone before he could say anything. “Nursing wasn’t good enough for him. He is in the medicine team”, she said with a teasing smile.

“Jealous”, he laughed.

“I don’t think so”, Jo laughed as well. “There’s some competition between Nursing and Medicine”, she explained.

“Isn’t it everywhere?” You chuckled.

“So here it is”, Jason finally said when you got to the main backyard. “Drinks are all inside in the kitchen. It’s an open plan kind of house so it’s easy to spot. Bathroom is down the hall to the right. And there’s also food in the kitchen”, he quickly explained.

“Who does live here?” You asked.

“Shawn Mendez”, he said before taking off with a bunch of guys that were hanging by the pool.

“Excuse me?” You mumbled.

“Well I’m not exactly a fan but the house is out of this world”, Jo said.

“Indeed”, you nodded.

Then, Jo grabbed you by your wrists and into the house. You both needed to get something to drink to go through the night as chilled as possible.

On the inside, the house was as beautiful as you expected. Most of it was decorated in black and white, with such a good taste that you had zero doubts that Shawn had hired some designer to do it. There’s no way this all came out of the head of someone around your age. You just knew it.

“What do you want?” Jo said when you got to the kitchen. Just like Jason had said, it had been easy to find, and it was as crowded as the rest of the place. “I think I’m taking vodka with some cherry soda”, she said.

“Same for me”, you shrugged.

People used to make fun of you when you drank that beverage, but it was some sort of tradition between you two. Plus, it tasted good.

While Jo took the cups to prepare your drinks, you started looking around. You were certain that most of the people were just students, but you recognised some faces in the crowd.

Of course, the first one you spotted was no other than Shawn Mendez. How could you not? He was so tall. Next to him was a tiny girl that you thought it was Camilla Cabello and next to them was a guy, even taller than Shawn, talking to the group surrounding them. His face was extremely familiar but you just couldn’t say from where.

“Here you go”, Jo said. “Want to go out?” She asked.

“Yes, let’s go”, you said taking the cup she was offering as you took your eyes away from the group.

You two made your way out, going through the people gathering in the house, mumbling unheard apologies every time you had to gently push someone out of the way.

“Hey, isn’t that Billie Eilish?” You asked pointing at two girls talking next to the pool.

“I think so”, Jo nodded. “Am I the only one freaking out?” She asked.

“No”, you said. “But I’m trying to look normal”, you added making your friend laugh as you two made your way towards Jo’s friend, Jason.

“There you are!” He exclaimed as soon as you two appeared. He threw an arm around Jo, pulling her closer to him. “We were about to play some beer pong, want to join?” He asked.

“Oh no, I’m awful at it, but I’d love to watch”, you said.

“I’ll beat your ass”, Jo said without hesitation. You knew how good she was at this kind of games.

It wasn’t long until there were enough people to play. Jason and one of his friends, Tom, had gone around, taking people to play.

“We’re missing one”, Jason said counting the people. “You sure you don’t want to join us?” He asked you. You shook your head when you took a sip from your cup.

“I wouldn’t be of any help”, you finally said.

“She’s right”, Jo nodded. You looked at her raising both eyebrows. “Am I lying?”

“No, you’re not”, you laughed.

“I can join you”, you turned your head to look at the newcomer.

It was that tall guy you had seen before, talking to Shawn and Camilla. The one with the familiar face. He was wearing some black ripped jeans and a big while t-shirt that, even if it looked like it was big for him, he could really pull it off. His eyes were brown just like his curly hair.

“If you don’t mind”, he quickly added.

“Of course not!” Jason exclaimed. “You’ll be on our team. The winning team. I’m Jason”, he said.

“Noah”, he said with a nice smile.

Noah Centineo, of course! You had seen him on The Fosters years ago and lately on the To All the Boys movies!

When the game started, you leaned against the column that was behind you, watching in silent as they threw the balls into the cups, cheering when they scored and complaining when they didn’t. You had to admit that Jo had got a lot better since the last time you saw her playing, but the latest admission into Jason’s team, Noah, happened to be extremely good.

“Suck that!” Jason exclaimed when Noah put the ball into one of the cups.

“You haven’t won so shut up!” Jo said. It wouldn’t be long before her worst competing side came out and you knew it.

“Wanna bet?” Jason smirked. Oh, no…

“Don’t you play?”

You looked away from your friend just when she and Jason started teasing each other. It was Noah the one who had talked to you. When you looked at him, he walked closer to you, his eyes fixed down on you.

“Believe me, you don’t want to see me playing”, you said with a smile, playing with the now empty cup in your hands.

“That bad?” He smiled.

“Worse”, you said making him laugh. He had that kind of laugh that made you laugh, along with a bright smile. “Hey, it’s true! I could hit your eyes before I hit the cup”, you said.

“I don’t know if that’s being too good or too bad at this”, he said narrowing his eyes.

“Trust me, when playing beer pong… it’s too bad”, you said and he laughed again. “It’s your turn I think.”

“Oh right”, he said looking at the table. “Be right back, I gotta win this thing”, he winked.

With a smile, you saw him walking away to take the ball from Tom’s hand. Your heart was going a bit faster than usual but you knew it was because of who he was. You hadn’t expected him to talk to you and you had been surprised by how nice he actually had been to you, and to everyone for that matter.

As it had been a promise, Noah’s team ended up winning the game and they all decided to celebrate it by going inside to get more drinks. All of them, except Jason who stayed with Jo teasing her again and Noah, who walked over you once again.

“I guess congratulations are in order”, you said.

“Maybe you can join me for a drink to celebrate?” He suggested.

You looked over Jo for a moment but, judging by how Jason had his arms around her, you knew it was going to be long before she missed you. So you looked at Noah and nodded with a smile, making him smile as well.

“I’m (Y/N), by the way”, you said when you were making your way towards the house.

“Nice to meet you”, he said. “I’m Noah.”

You wanted to say I know, but you decided not to since it sounded way too cocky in your head and maybe it would make him feel uncomfortable, so you just gave him a smile and followed him inside. Since it was getting a bit colder outside, the inside of the house was even more crowded than before. They had even turned up the volume and many people had started dancing around the living room, which meant the kitchen was a bit emptier.

“What do you want?” Noah asked taking a pair of blue clean empty cups.

“Vodka and cherry soda”, you said jumping to seat on top of one of the counters.

“So…” he said while he started pouring vodka in one of the cups. “What brought you here?” He finally asked.

“My friend”, you smiled a little. He looked at you in a way that said no shit, Sherlock. You laughed out loud and took the cup he offered. “Thanks”, you said before taking a sip. “I came to spend the weekend with Jo and she told me about this party.”

“Don’t you study here in L.A?” He asked when he poured himself some soda.

“No”, you shook your head as he stood in front of you. Now that you were sitting on the counter, you were finally eye to eye with him. “I study in Phoenix. I’m from there actually”, you shrugged.

“Cool”, he nodded. “So you’re good friends with… Jo, you said?”

“Yeah”, you nodded. “She’s my best friend”, you shrugged with a smile. “What about you?”

“Camilla invited me”, he said pointing at the crowd with his head. “I met her when I appeared in one of her music videos and we really got along. I told her I would be in L.A for a couple of weeks and she invited me.”

“Nice”, you nodded and looked around, spotting the girl on the other side of the room. “So are they really a thing?”

“Who’s asking?” Noah said making you laugh. “They’re really good friends”, he shrugged.

“I knew it”, you narrowed your eyes and then looked at him. “Have you ever had to something like that for publicity?”

“Who told you that I’m famous?” He asked with a small smile. You raised an eyebrow and then nodded.

“Even if I didn’t know who you were, you just told me you appeared on Camilla’s video”, you said.

“I could’ve been an extra”, he said.

“Good point”, you nodded. “I first saw you years ago on The Fosters”, you finally admitted.

“Really?” He asked kind of surprised and you nodded. “Did you like it?”

“I was completely hooked up on it”, you said with a smile.

“Well…” he said, leaning on the counter next to you, looking at the crowd. “To answer your question, no. I’ve never had to do anything like that”, he said. “I wouldn’t have done it anyway. Ever. I don’t think it’s fair for anyone involved.”

“Have you ever told them?” You asked.

“No”, he shook his head. “It’s not my business”, he said and looked at you again. “Why didn’t you say you knew who I was?”

“I don’t know”, you shrugged. “I guess it sounded cocky? Or maybe it could make you feel uncomfortable.”

“Thanks”, he nodded a little. “I mean, I know I’m not that famous. But it is a bit awkward when I introduce myself to someone new like ‘hey, I’m Noah’ and their answer is ‘yeah, I know’. It’s kind of a turned off.”

“Then I turned you on?” You teased him, making him laugh out loud.

With a smile, you brought the cup back up to your lips and took a sip of the drink. You had never met anyone who was even slightly famous before, but you had never thought of a celebrity to be as nice as Noah was. As the night went on and the party kept on going around you, you just stayed there in the kitchen, talking to each other, telling all kind of stories about the other.

“Hey, do you want to go out for a bit?” He asked after an hour or so. “I need some air.”

“Sure, me too”, you said before jumping off the counter.

Since everyone was now inside the house, getting through everybody was a bit more difficult than before. Noah reached out for your hand so he wouldn’t lose you on your way out. It surprised you how big his hand felt when holding yours. When you stepped outside, you felt how cold it had gotten. Or maybe it was that it was too hot inside. Anyway, you stepped a bit closer to Noah when you shivered.

“I know”, he chuckled like he was reading your mind.

“Either it was too hot inside or it’s too cold out here”, you said.

“Agreed”, he said. “Follow me.”

“Where?” You asked as he started walking somewhere to the left of the house.

“Wait and see”, he said, not letting you go of your hand.

Any other day, if any other guy who you had just met at a party, was guiding you around the lonely garden, you’d definitely go back inside. But over the time you had spent talking to him, somehow you knew you could trust Noah, so you just went with it. You could see some couples here and there, making out in the dark corners of the propriety and for a moment you felt nervous and looked up at Noah, but he looked too focused on not tripping over anything to see anyone else.

“Here we are”, he finally said after a couple of minutes. “Welcome to Los Angeles”, he said.

Confused, you looked at him and then to the front, where he was looking, and gasped. Beneath you was the whole city of LA, awake and shinning for you. On your way up there you hadn’t been aware of how up you were going, so you weren’t expecting this view at all. It was beautiful and so peaceful. It was like you were so away from everything, being so close at the same time.

You let go of Noah’s hand and took a few steps away from him, admiring the view. You could even see the Hollywood sign from there. It was breath-taking. It made you feel at peace with the world.

When you looked back at Noah, you saw that he was taking a photo with his phone. When he finished, he put the device back in his pocket and moved closer to you.

“You like it?” He asked.

“It’s beautiful”, you said. “I wouldn’t mind having this view”, you commented.

“Yeah, me neither”, he said with a smile.

The two of you stayed there in silence, contemplating the city. It was strange seeing it from up there. It felt like you were a world away from everything, from every problem and every issue. You could really forget about the world while being up there and, somehow, for some reason, Noah’s presence next to you only helped to make that feeling grow.

After a few moments, you felt Noah’s hand brushing over yours, making your skin tingle. Biting your lip, you looked up at him. The moment he felt your eyes on him, a smile appeared on his face and he looked down when you took his hand. His kind eyes roamed around your face before he chuckled to himself and squeezed your hand.

“Do you want to get out of here?” He asked.

“Are you trying to steal me, Centineo?” You asked with a small smile, but your heart was already going faster just at the thought.

“If you let me”, he said with a bigger smile.

Suddenly you felt even a bit short of breath. You didn’t know if it was the moment, the fact that you were completely alone, the way he was looking at you or that the alcohol was getting to your head, but you felt a surprising urge to kiss him. However, you couldn’t do that. It would be too embarrassing if you were reading all wrong, so you just looked down and took a deep breath.

“I’m going to text Jo”, you said, taking your hand from his to take out your phone.

“How did you guys get here?” He asked, taking the cup from your other hand so you could type.

“Uber”, you said while you wrote a quick text. “You?”

“I drove”, he smiled.

“Then get out of here”, you said when you put your phone back into your purse. “Do you have to say goodbye to someone?”

“Don’t worry about it”, he said. “Let’s go.”

For the third time that night, he held your hand as you made your way around the house to where many cars were parked. You started looking around, trying to guess which one was Noah’s. He looked like a Jeep kind of guy, or maybe it was that you had seen him as Peter Kavinsky so many times that it was the only car you could pictured him in.

“Which one is yours?” You asked.

“It’s not really mine”, he explained. “It’s a rental. Mine is getting fixed”, he added. He took out the keys and pressed the unlock bottom.

You looked around to see the lights and couldn’t help but laughing when you saw the car. It had to be a joke.

“A Jeep?” You laughed.

“What?” He said smiling down at you.

“I was just thinking what kind of car you would have and I could only picture you in a Jeep because of the To All the Boys movies”, you admitted.

“I have to admit that I rented it because of that”, he laughed. “I really liked it during the shooting.”

When you got to the car, he opened the passenger door for you and helped you up. He gave you your cup back and closed the door. You smiled a little when you noticed his fragrance in the car. It was a nice smell; one you could get used to. Quickly, you shook that thought out of your head. What were you thinking?

“Where to?” Noah asked once he had got into the car and started the engine after you two put the seatbelts on.

“I’m kind of hungry, to be honest”, you said.

“Say no more”, he said before he started driving carefully to get out of the property. “So… you said you study in Phoenix, right? What do you study?”

“Marketing”, you replied, looking out of the window as you played with the almost empty cup.

“Nice…”

“Not bad I guess”, you chuckled. He frowned and looked at you for a moment.

“Don’t you like it?” He asked.

“No, I do”, you shrugged. “It’s just…”

“You can tell me”, he said.

With a sigh, you looked at him. He was focused on the road but he looked at you to let you know he was listening. You knew it wasn’t really his business, that you had met him hours ago, but it felt like ages.

“It’s just that… I always thought I’d be doing something that I loved, not just liked”, you finally said.

“Why don’t you?” He asked. “Do what you love, I mean.”

“Because it’s not that easy”, you sighed. “I learned the hard way that not everyone is meant to get to live the life they dream of.”

“That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?” He commented.

“Life is harsh”, you chuckled.

He looked at you when you stopped at a red light and you looked at him. He looked like he was trying to figure you out, trying to get inside your head and know what was going on. With a sigh, you looked away. It was way more complicated than just ‘doing what you loved. Of course you wanted to be doing something else but you had made your peace with how impossible that was for you.

“Have you ever given it a try?” He asked when he started driving again.

“There’s no use”, you said.

“Why not?” He kept on asking.

“Just because”, you sighed. You really did trust him and enjoyed talking to him, but telling him about your family situation wasn’t what you had in mind.

“Sorry”, he said, noticing your change of mood. “I didn’t mean to intrude.”

“It’s okay. It’s a sensitive topic”, you said and looked at him. “Where are we going?”

He looked at you for a few seconds, his face lighted up by the street lamps, and then back at the road as the smile went back to his face.

“To the best pizza place in Los Angeles”, he said.

“Sounds promising”, you said.

“Pizza is always promising”, he said.

“Touché”, you chuckled.

Noah kept on driving in silence, sneaking glances at you every now and then. He felt like shit for bringing up the career thing. It was obvious he had struck a chord and your mind was way away from the car at the moment. He had ruined it. Completely. Since the moment he first you, he had tried to come up with a way to get some more time with you, alone, and now he had ruined it.

After five more minutes, he finally drove into the parking lot of the Hall of Pizza. It was completely empty, but it was obviously open. In the neon lights, it said that it was open for 24h which sounded impressive. It was probably a hot spot for drunks, but it was still a bit early for them.

“Here it is?” You asked.

“Yeah, you’ll love it”, he said. “C’mon”, he said opening the door and getting out.

You did the same instead of waiting for him to open the door for you. When you closed the door, he was already by your side.

“I’m really sorry”, he suddenly said. “For making you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have pushed you, sorry.”

“It’s okay, really”, you said and took his hand in yours. He looked down and then at you. “I’m starving so you better be right about this place.”

You tried to walk towards the entrance, but you could feel he wasn’t on his right mind. With a sigh, you stopped and turned to look at him again.

“Noah, seriously, it’s okay”, you said and took a step closer. Then, you stepped on your toes and pressed a kiss on his cheek before looking at him.

“What was that for?” He asked surprised, with a small smile.

“To get you to smile again”, you said, making him smile a bit more. “And it worked. So let’s go.”

This time, he followed your lead towards the small restaurant. Before getting to the door you threw the cup into a trash can and kept on walking. Noah opened the door for you, which you thanked, and you both walked in. The delicious smell of pizza filled your senses and your stomach growled all sudden. You were starving.

“Do you trust me?” He asked. You looked at his hopeful eyes and nodded immediately. Yes. You really did. “A special de la casa, per favore”, he said with a fake Italian accent that made you laugh. “What? That was perfect!”

“Certo”, you laughed.

“You speak Italian?” He asked, making you laugh even more.

“Do you?” You teased.

“Oh, shut up”, he laughed and suddenly pulled you to his chest, wrapping an arm around you in a quick hug that took you by surprise. But it surprised you even more when you felt him kissing your head. “Sorry”, he said letting you go.

“No…” you said. “It’s okay”, you said looking up at him.

With a small smile, he wrapped his arm around you again and pulled you closer, snuzzling his nose in your head with a sigh. After a few moments, you heard your phone. It was the notification tone for a message. Supposing it was from Jo, you took the phone out of your purse. Precisely.

All good babe, Im gonna sleep at Jason’s so don’t wait up ;)

You smiled to yourself and put your phone back into your purse. Jo could pretend to be as cold as ice, but you knew her and there was no way she would sleep with the same guy more than once unless she had feelings for him. Of course, you weren’t going to be the one breaking that up for her. She had to figure it out by herself.

“Everything okay?” Noah asked.

“Yes”, you nodded. “It was Jo. She’s sleeping at Jason’s”, you quickly explained.

“At Jason’s or with Jason?” He asked with a teasing smile.

“Noah!” You laughed, pushing him playfully. “Both”, you finally said, making him laugh.

“Excuse me, signore”, the cook said from the counter. “Your pizza is ready.”

“Great!” He said taking out his wallet to take out the credit card while you took the box. “Grazie mile!”

You chuckled to yourself at how cute he was and walked towards the door after thanking them for the pizza.

“Bonne nuit!” He exclaimed when he opened the door for you.

“That’s French, actually”, you laughed out loud once you were out.

“Really?” He said, taking the pizza box from you.

“Yes, buona notte is Italian”, you said, making your way back to the car.

“Sounds the same”, he frowned as he unlocked the car.

“No, they don’t”, you laughed even more. “Just stick to the English and you’ll be good”, you winked at him.

When he got into the car, he gave you the pizza box for you to hold while he drove. You didn’t even ask him where he was going since he looked like he had a destination and you were okay with just spending more time with him. The smell of the pizza was driving you crazy. It smelled delicious.

“What did you order?” You asked.

“You’ll see”, he said.

“You know I could just look, right?” You asked and he chuckled.

“Then do it”, he said with half smile.

But you didn’t, which seemed to please him. Although you were starving but you guessed it wouldn’t be long before he stopped somewhere. However, fifteen minutes later he was still driving and you were getting hungrier by the second.

“Okay, where are we going?” You finally asked.

“We’re almost there”, he said.

“And where’s there?” You asked looking out of the window where everything was dark.

You could see the road ahead thanks to the car lights but you weren’t familiar with anything. It didn’t even look like you were in the city anymore, he had started to go up some hill a minutes ago and he hadn’t stopped.

“Are you sure you’re not a serial killer?” You asked.

“I think I would have killed you by now, wouldn’t I?” He smiled.

“That’s exactly what a serial killer would say”, you said narrowing your eyes.

“And how do you know it?” He said looking at you with a bigger smile. Didn’t he ever stop smiling?

“Maybe I am a serial killer”, you smirked, making him laugh.

“Don’t worry, one more minute and we’ll be there”, he said.

True to his word, a couple of minutes later, he stopped the car and turned off the engine after turning off the lights. He looked at you for a moment and sighed in content before taking the pizza box from you and getting out of the car.

“Wait! Where are you going?” You asked getting out as well. “Noah, it’s dark, what are we doing?”

“Here, hold this”, he said giving you the box.

Looking around, you took it from him while he opened the back of the car and took out a couple of hoodies. Then, he put one on and took the pizza box to put it on top of the car.

“Here, put it on”, he said offering you the other hoodie. “C’mon! The pizza will be cold”, he insisted.

“You’re freaking me out”, you sighed but did as he told you.

Once you were done and into his comfy hoodie, he took the pizza and your hand before guiding you towards some bushes. He was crazy. You were completely sure of it, but somehow you found yourself enjoying his company more than anything. His hand around yours gave you a feeling of security you hadn’t felt in a very long time and you felt like you could follow him anywhere.

“Et voilá!” He exclaimed when you got out of the bushes.

You opened your mouth surprised. He had taken you to a small cliff with a wooden fence around it so no one would fall and some wooden tables as well. But the cherry on the top of everything was the amazing view you had at your feet. If the view from Shawn’s house had you in awe, this was out of this world.

“And turn around”, he said by your side.

You did and gasped when you saw the Hollywood up there, like in so many movies you had seen. You didn’t even know what to say, you couldn’t even close your mouth. You were so shocked that you didn’t even notice Noah letting go of your hand and walking to one of the tables to set the box down and open it.

“It’s still warm”, he said, taking you out of your trance.

“This is amazing”, you said looking at him. He smiled widely and took a seat on the table.

“I imagined you’d like it”, he said and took a slice of pizza to offer it to you.

Still looking around you, you walked over him and took the slice from him. Without even knowing what it had on it, you just took a bite and took a seat on the table, with the pizza in between you, so the city was to your right and the Hollywood sign to the left.

“It’s delicious!” You exclaimed and looked down at the pizza but it was so dark you couldn’t see the ingredients, but you tasted a lot of cheese.

“I know, right?” He said. “It has like five different kind of cheese”, he said.

“No wonder is so delicious”, you said before keep on eating.

As your eyes got used to the dark, you finally were able to actually see Noah’s features again. His head was turned towards the city, kind of lost in his own thoughts. The small lights were reflected in his eyes. You found yourself completely lost in him. Who would have thought that you would find such a loveable soul in a random party in Los Angeles?

“You’re staring”, he said without looking at you. The comment was enough to make you blush.

“Sorry”, you mumbled and took another slice.

“It’s okay”, he smiled looking now at you. “What were you thinking about?”

“Nothing, really”, you half smiled and looked at the city to avoid his eyes, but you could feel them on your face. “I was thinking about how random this is”, you finally said. “In a good way”, you quickly added.

“Yeah, I know”, he agreed, taking another slice himself. “I didn’t even want to go to the party in the first place. Now I’m really glad I did.”

“I’m glad you did too”, you said smiling and looked at him.

You two stared at each other smiling and, after a few moments, that urge that you felt in the car to kiss him came back, even stronger than before. You forced yourself to look away once again. There was something about the way he looked at you that made you so nervous. It may be the intensity or just the way he did it. Whatever it was, you weren’t familiar with that tickly feeling in your stomach.

“When are you leaving?” He asked after a while of silence.

“Sunday afternoon”, you said.

“I thought you had a long weekend”, he commented.

“How do you know?” You asked surprised.

“A guy at the party was talking about it and I just assumed it was a national thing”, he shrugged. “It’s not?”

“It is”, you nodded. “I don’t have class until Tuesday but I have to work on Monday”, you explained.

“What’s your job?” He asked, surprised you had to work.

“I work at a cinema”, you shrugged. “Popcorns, soda… Sometimes I have to sell tickets too.”

“Oh…” he said. You looked at him and chuckled. “I just didn’t expect it.”

“I girl gotta live”, you joked and finished the slice of pizza. You were actually kind of full by now.

“Don’t you live at home? I mean, with your parents and all”, he asked.

“It’s more complicated than that”, you sighed.

“But then why-“

“It’s complicated, Noah”, you repeated.

Noah clenched his jaw and then nodded to himself. It was the second time you shut him off like that, which probably meant that it was something really serious. He didn’t expect you to open your soul to him, but he wished you did. Why? He didn’t know. All he knew is that he wanted to get to know you. For real.

“Sorry”, you said after a while. “It’s just… Things at home are complicated and that’s just a nice way to say it.”

“I’m sorry…” he said with a frown. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Trust me, you don’t want to know about it”, you said.

“I do”, he said.

With a frown, you looked at him. He was looking at you with the most serious expression you had seen on his face since you met him a few hours ago. Why was he so interested?

“I’m serious”, he said when you didn’t say anything.

You bite your lip and looked at the city once again. It was never easy to talk about it. The only person you really talked to about this was Jo and even she knew how hard it was for you to open up about it. Yet, you wanted him to know even if you were not ready to dig into the reasons why you felt like that.

“My sister has leukaemia”, you finally said, looking down at your hands that were almost covered by the sleeves of his hoodie, which was way too big for you but it made you feel safe. “She was diagnosed around three years ago.”

Noah didn’t even know what to say. He was expecting some kind of hard situation but nothing like that. He couldn’t even imagine what that was like. Just the thought of his own sister going through something like that made him tear up a bit.

“It was a shock for everyone, obviously, and it still is. She is two years younger than me and she has always been so… so alive”, you shrugged trying not to tear up. “We started the treatment right away but even with the insurance, there was a lot to pay so we all had to give up on things”, you shrugged and looked at him for a moment, but you couldn’t hold his gaze. “I gave up NYU and agreed to stay home and get a job, which I did.”

“That’s why you said that not everyone gets the life that they dream about?” He asked and you nodded.

“I just made my peace with it”, you shrugged. “She’s my sister so I would do it all over again if I had to. No doubts, no regrets. But that doesn’t mean that it’s any easier to think about what my life could have been.”

“I’m so really sorry, (Y/N)”, Noah said and took the now empty box to put it aside and move closer to you to take your hands. “I… I had no idea, I’m sorry I pushed you to talk about it.”

“It’s okay”, you shrugged. “It’s not like it is a secret but I didn’t want to kill the mood with my sad little story.”

“You didn’t kill the mood. I really wanted to know”, he said and you gave him a small smile that he returned. “And how is she? And your parents?”

“Well, my parents ended up getting a divorce”, you shrugged. “That was just like the cherry on the top of the worst cake ever baked”, you chuckled sadly. “But Harper is okay. All things considered. She has always been so so positive about everything. She is so strong… I’m so proud of her.”

“I bet you are”, he smiled a little. “I’d love to meet her.”

“Shut up”, you chuckled. “Now you’re just talking out of pity.”

“I’m not!” He exclaimed. “(Y/N), I’m serious here. I know it sounds crazy because we just met hours ago but… I want to be there for you.”

You looked up at him and somehow you knew he was serious. Still, you couldn’t really let him to be part of a life as messy as yours. So you leaned in and kissed his cheek softly, knowing that when he dropped you off at Jo’s apartment he would probably forget all about you and your family’s tragedy.

“Thanks, Noah”, you said.

“Want to go?” He asked. You nodded with a sigh.

Not a saying a word, he jumped off the table, took the box and threw it into a trash that was near the fence. Then, he went back to you and wrapped an arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to him and started walking towards the car. Noah could feel it and so could you. Somehow, that little moment you had just shared, had pulled you together. Some kind of bond had just been created between you two.

“How did you know about this place?” You asked.

“When I first moved here to Los Angeles, a long time ago, a friend showed me this place”, he explained.

“I thought you didn’t live in LA”, you said.

“I do, but I’m in shooting something in Florida and I had some time off so I came to see my family”, he said just when you came back out of the bushes and saw the car.

“Well, thanks for sharing it with me”, you said as he unlocked the car.

“Thanks for coming with me”, he said, opening the passenger door for you. “Where to?” He asked before you even got in.

You sighed and stopped to look at him. If it was up to you, you would spend the whole night with him, but was that even a good idea? You already felt like you were going to miss him.

Judging by the way he was looking at you, he was thinking the same. None of you wanted this night to end but were somehow terrified of what could happen if you two decided to just go along with whatever it was that you were feeling.

“I don’t know”, you finally said.

“Do you want to go home?” He asked, not moving from his spot.

“Do you?”

“Not really”, he said, his eyes fixed on yours.

“Me neither”, you admitted, moving your eyes from his to his mouth and then back to his eyes.

Noah was dying to kiss you. He had first thought about it at the party, then again at the pizza place and he had thought about it a million times since he saw your face looking at the Hollywood sign. What the hell had happened in the previous hours? When he first saw you, next to the beer pong table, he was intrigued by you. And now, hours later, he had the feeling that he wouldn’t be able to let you go that easily and, if he did, it would hurt.

And now there, in the darkness, with just the light of the inside of the car, he finally took a step closer to you. His hand itched just by wanting to hold you, his heart beat faster at the thought of kissing you, but he wouldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t try. He placed a hand on your cheek and took a deep breath when you leaned a bit against it, not breaking eye contact. When you bit your lip, he knew he was done for.

Without thinking any more, he leaned down and finally captured your lips with his, wrapping his other arm around your waist to pull you closer. You wrapped his hoodie in your hands, to try and pull him even closer as you kissed him back.

You had always read and heard about fireworks when you kissed someone but this was the first time you truly believed in them. And it wasn’t just fireworks. It was like the Big Bang was happening around you. It was unique. It was unforgettable. It was beyond words.

None of you wanted to stop that moment. If it was possible to keep on kissing forever, feeling your bodies together, you would. But humans have that annoying issue of breathing, so you had to pull away. And yet you just kept your forehead against his, your eyes closed, your breathing mixing.

“Get in the car or I promise I won’t let you go”, he whispered after a few moments.

You bite your lip and followed his words, not because you wanted him to let you go, but because you needed to control your breathing. When he got in the car and started the engine, you gave him Jo’s address. At least, you would have a drive to think about what you wanted to do next.

The drive back was made in silence. But not that awkward silence that can follow a kiss, it was quite the opposite. You were just looking out of the window while holding his hand over the console, replaying the night and the kiss over and over again in your head. You could feel Noah’s thumb brushing over your knuckles. Every time he had to stop, he would raise your hand and kiss it, letting his lips linger over your skin for a few seconds before putting it down again. Every time he did that, that tickly feeling in your stomach appeared.

“Here we are”, he said when he stopped the car at the door of Jo’s apartment building. You bite your lip looking at the door and then at Noah. You didn’t want to leave him.

“Come up”, you said without thinking it twice. It looked like it took him by surprise, since it took him a bit to reply.

“Are you sure?” He asked cautiously. “I mean, it’s your friend’s place.”

“She’s okay with it, believe me”, you assured him. He bite his lip and looked at the door of the building.

He really wanted to do it. He wanted to go up with you and spend the rest of the night with you. But he was starting to get scared of what that it would mean to him once you left.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to”, you said, feeling a bit insecure.

“No, it’s not that. I do want to. I really do”, he said and turned off the engine. “It’s just… this never happened to me before, you know?”

“Oh, of course, this is just Tuesday for me”, you said with irony. “I do this every single day.”

He laughed and leaned his head back on the seat, closing his eyes. He was trying so hard to follow his reason and not his feelings, but he had never been the kind of guy to do that. And he definitely didn’t want to be it with you, but it all felt so…intense that he didn’t know what to do.

“Look, Noah”, you said. He looked at you. “This is weird for me too but… if you want to leave, I get it, it’s okay, I promise. It’s just that, I don’t know why, but I’m not ready to say goodbye to you.”

Something about the way you say it, with such truth behind it, was what Noah needed. His brain had clicked. Without saying anything, he got out of the car and walked around it to open your door while you looked for your purse. You took it from the floor just when he opened the door.

“Thanks”, you said when he helped you down by taking your hand.

Instead of replying, he closed the door and locked the car before wrapping an arm around your waist and kissing you again, taking you completely by surprise.

He had made a decision. He wasn’t going to think anymore. He didn’t want to. He wanted to just let himself go and see what this went. It could end up in nothing but the little voice inside his head kept on telling him that you were special, that he couldn’t give you up. Not yet.. It sounded crazy, but in his guts he knew he was right.

“What was that for?” You asked when he pulled away as a smile made its way to your face.

“I’m not ready to say goodbye either”, he simply said.

#noah centineo #noah imagine #noah centineo imagine #fluff imagine #pitubea #imagine #angst #to all the boys i've loved before #to all the boys ps i love you #the fosters #peter kavinsky

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noonachronicles · 4 years

Text

Just One More Time

Yoo Kihyun x Reader (ft. Park Jinyoung)

Word Count: 5.1k

Genre: Angst (Supposedly), Fluff (?)

Warning: Two curse words. Steamy kiss.

Authors Note: For @prettywordsyouleft! Thanks for the request Chelle!

#13 - You did a wonderful job convincing people that you love me, I almost fell for it.

“Are you ready?” Kihyun asked taking a quick look at himself in the rearview mirror. He adjusted a single piece of hair and straightened his tie.

“Are you?” you asked, watching him with mild amusement. “This is your deal not mine.”

“I think I am. Do I look okay?” he asked nervously, “Is the tie too much?”

“The tie is fine.” you grinned, “You look very handsome, Ki. I am honored to be your pretend girlfriend. You’re definitely getting pretend laid tonight.”

In a rare moment of suspended anxiety he let out a laugh.

“Thank you again.” He said and looked over at you, “I really appreciate you doing this. I know I’ve been insane. I know I’ll be crazy for the next several hours. So I want you to know how grateful I am and, you know, please just stick with me.”

“Oh. I’ll stick with you,” you nodded, “because after this...you’re gonna owe me. Big.”

It had been a pretty uneventful Friday night in for you. You’d ordered a pizza and settled onto the couch with a glass of red wine, and eight more episodes of the drama you’d been watching. Four episodes in the main characters were possibly about to kiss for the first time, and you’d just put on your peel off face mask.

Then there was a knock on the door. Your forehead would have creased in confusion but the face mask had gotten pretty tight already. It was past midnight and you definitely weren’t expecting anyone.

Another knock came and you got up from the couch, cautiously making your way to the door. You tried to peek through the window unnoticed when the third knock came and you let out a loud terrified shriek.

“Y/n?” came a voice through the door.

“Kihyun?” You quickly unlocked the door and pulled it open.

Yoo Kihyun was your neighbor. You didn’t know all that much about him, despite having been neighbors for nearly five years. You knew he had a nice smile. It seemed from his lack of past due notices that he paid his bills on time. And from what you could tell from the way he always smelled nice, he showered regularly. All of these things you had gathered from the brief interactions you’d shared with him at the mailbox.

You remembered he’d had a girlfriend when he first moved in but she was gone after a few months. And about a year ago he’d started seeing someone else pretty regularly from what you could tell though she hadn’t been around for awhile either. He had a core group of friends that came over every other friday, though you weren’t sure what for. As far as things people knew about their neighbors, you didn’t think what you knew was anything too crazy or stalkerish.

A couple weeks earlier you’d found a piece of his mail in with yours. Clearly it had gotten stuck to the coupon mailer in your stack, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Before you could decide if you should just go shove it in his box and be done with it or go to his door and hand deliver it, he showed up at your door. He’d gotten one of your envelopes in with his own mail and was delivering it to you.

At the time you’d assumed that was that. Your one chance at an interaction with your handsome neighbor over and done before you even had a chance to blink. Apparently not.

“I need your help.” he said shoving his way through the door as soon as you’d gotten it unlocked.

“Does this have anything to do with you being drunk?” you asked, following the near stranger into your own living room.

“No. You think I’m drunk?” He asked, eyeing your mess of a coffee table and grabbing the half full glass of wine, “Can I have this wine though? Cheers.”

“Uh.” You watched as he swallowed all of it in a single gulp. “Sure.”

“Are you going to help me or not?” He asked frantically.

“Help you with what?”

“Oh, right.” He belched and made a face before looking back at you, “Remember when you stole my mail?”

“I didn’t steal your mail. You also had my mail…”

“Whatever, so you remember.” You continued to watch him as he sat down on your couch and grabbed a pillow to squeeze in a hug. “My friend is getting married. It was an invitation. The mail. I am a gentleman and I said I would go. So I had friends over for dinner tonight, I made penne a lotta vodka. Delicious. Everyone loved it. There was bread. Salad. Accoutrement.”

“Penne alla vodka?” You asked.

“Yeah that’s what I said. Please listen.” He said throwing a sassy hand your way. “My friend Minh- Min- Minhy- we’ll call him Min, says my ex girlfriend is gonna be at the wedding. At the wedding even! He says this to me. And! And! Get this...get this...get this okay?”

“I will get it as soon as you say it.” You assured him.

“She’s got a plus one. A boyfriem. Friem. Freimd. He’s a kid doctor. Not a doctor that’s a kid but a doctor of kids.”

“Yep, I got it.”

As the moments passed you weren’t sure if you were finding your neighbor more or less attractive. At the very least he was amusing as hell.

He looked at you, squinting, for a long quiet minute before asking, “What is wrong with your face?”

“Huh?” You patted your cheek and remembered the face mask, “peel off mask.”

“Good so you’ll help me.” He said and stood up from the couch, still squeezing your throw pillow.

“Sorry, help you what?” You asked again.

“You’ll be the date to my wedding. Plus one. You. Me. Electric slide.” He both winked and gave you finger guns. “Pew pew pew! It’ll be great. Jealous girlfriend.”

Watching as he left your house without another word left you quite stunned, especially since he’d gone with your pillow and left the door wide open. At least when you looked outside he had made it back into his own home safely. Confused about whether or not you were actually expected to go to this wedding with him you shut the door and went back to the living room.

“No!” You groaned looking at the screen where the main couple had just slow-mo’d through their first kiss from several angles and you’d missed it.

That was how you’d ended up and Soohi and Seokjin’s wedding. How you’d ended up twirling around the dance floor in your gorgeous yellow dress with a thirteen year old boy named Minho was a different story and one whose details you weren’t entirely sure of.

“Kihyun.” Soohi sighed dramatically, “I. Love. Her.”

“Who?” he laughed as she grabbed his cheeks in her palms.

“Y/n!” she cried, and then leaned and whispered, “I’ll be honest, I have never liked any of your girlfriends. I only invited Mina because I knew she knew I was getting married and it seemed rude not to, but I never liked her. Y/n, oh god she’s perfect.”

“I’m glad you like her.” he said and looked over at you, now surrounded by no less than four thirteen year old boys.

“Marry her, Kihyun.” Soohi begged, “She’s funny, and she doesn’t put up with your shit, and she curbs all your weird compulsions. You’ll never find anyone else like her. Trust me. I just love her. Maybe I should marry her.”

“I think you should.” he agreed.

“Soo are you drunk? I’ve only seen you have a glass of champagne.” Seokjin asked his bride.

She turned, wrapping her arms around her husband, “Drunk off love Jin! LOVE!”

“With that I congratulate you both on a beautiful wedding and an endless love. I should, however, save my date from her prepubescent suitors.” Kihyun laughed, patting his friend on the back before making his way to the dancefloor.

He watched you for a moment longer from the edge of the dance floor as you laughed and danced with the group of lovestruck teens. You were fun. And cute. You had nice legs, though your ability to use them to dance was questionable. You’d made him laugh more in the week you’d spent together than Mina had made him laugh the entire time they dated. You even agreed to him drunkenly asking you to accompany him to this wedding in the first place, like a saint. However, he reminded himself, you weren’t actually his girlfriend.

The upbeat party tune had turned into something slow and romantic. Kihyun reached his hand through the throng of young men and offered it to you.

“Sorry gentlemen, but this beautiful woman is mine and I will be taking her back now.” He said as he caught your eye.

You took his hand and he pulled you into his arms as your fanboys groaned and left the floor.

“Took you long enough to join me.” You smiled, placing your hand on his shoulder.

“Well, yes. I was a bit preoccupied listening to every single one of my friends tell me how much they love you.” He grinned, leading you across the dancefloor.

“I really like them too.” You said genuinely, “Sad for everyone that we’re breaking up in like three or four hours.”

Kihyun laughed and tightened his grip around you. “Yeah, it is a little sad isn’t it?”

“I guess we just have to enjoy it while it lasts.” you smiled, and leaned your head against him.

“I need you to be my boyfriend again.” you said as Kihyun opened his front door.

“What?”

“The mail you stole from me?” You grinned at the look he gave you “It was also a wedding invitation. I planned on going solo. But after the wedding Soohi added me on Facebook and tagged me in a bunch of pictures. One of them was of us and she had captioned it `World's Cutest Couple’.”

“I know the picture that you speak of.” he opened the door all the way as an invitation and you stepped inside.

“Good. So my cousin, it’s her wedding that I’m invited to, saw the picture of us together at Soohi’s wedding and she wants me to bring you.” you explained as you followed him into the kitchen, “I tried to tell her we weren’t together and she wouldn’t hear it. She’s called me everyday for the last week. Plus she told her mother who told my mother, who has also called every single day for the last week. Crying, Kihyun, she cried to me. How could I have a boyfriend and not tell her? So can you just come with me? I just want like one week where I’m not being called constantly by family members.”

Kihyun, standing in front of the stove, looked over his shoulder with a smirk, “If you wanted me to be your date all you had to do was ask. You didn’t need a big elaborate made up story. I owe you anyway.”

“It’s not a big elab…” you groaned, “It’s the truth, but thank you anyway. One more fake date and we’re all even.”

“Sounds like a deal.” he said and turned around, holding out his spoon to you. “Taste this.”

With a hum you leaned forward and tasted the sauce he’d offered you, “Kihyun...that’s delicious. What is it?”

“Creamy garlic chicken which will be served on a bed of artichoke risotto.”

You leaned against the counter and sighed, “Fancy. Who are you having over for dinner?”

He shrugged, “Just me. Unless you’re hungry?”

You pretended, poorly, to think about it and then smiled. “I’m starving. I’ll have to go put my microwave dinner back in the freezer. Should I bring back a bottle of wine?”

“Yes, I would love that!” He said enthusiastically, “Best fake girlfriend ever.”

With a dramatic bow you hurried home and back for a delicious meal with your boyfriend that wasn’t your boyfriend.

Kihyun fed you a piece of his white chocolate raspberry cake off his fork as you fed him a piece of your cookies and cream cake. It was your plan as soon as you’d figured out there were two different flavored cakes at this wedding. You hummed with delight as you let the flavors take over your tastebuds. He nodded as he thought over his decision. As the both of you sat quietly he lifted his hand and moved your hair back behind your ear, readjusting the flower you’d tucked inside of it earlier after taking it out of the centerpiece on the table.

“I think,” you said finally, “I like yours better.”

He shook his head, “No way, cookies and cream all the way. Mine is good but the raspberry is too tart.”

“Hmm.” You looked over at the table and then back to Kihyun, “Switch?”

With a simple nod he adjusted the plates on the table and looked over at you, “Do you ever wear the same dress to different weddings? Or do you always buy a new one?”

You looked down at your blue silk dress and shrugged, “I guess I just always buy a new one.”

“Fascinating, I’ve worn the same suit to every event I’ve been to in the last three years. Birthdays, weddings, holidays. I just switch ties.”

“Well you don’t have to brag.” You laughed.

“Is it bragging? Don’t you like getting new clothes?” He asked.

“Yes and no.” You answered, “I like new clothes but I don’t really have any excuses to wear them again. Dresses you wear to weddings are more like dresses you wear on dates and less like dresses you’d wear to work. And I don’t go on dates. So all these dresses just get washed, hung up, and forgotten.”

“You should go on more dates.” He said it like it was simple.

You rolled your eyes. “Oh? Should I? I had never thought of that before! Thank god you came into my life Ki. What would I do without you?”

“Alright that’s enough sarcasm for the entire night.” He laughed.

You took another bite of cake and looked over at Kihyun as he watched the guests on the dance floor. He smiled and waved to your mother who had waved over to him from where she was dancing with your father. Your chest ached slightly. He was so handsome and so funny. You’d have loved to be his girlfriend for real, but everytime he talked about you it was fake girlfriend this and fake girlfriend that. He made it clear, over and over again, exactly what this partnership was.

“She adores you.” you muttered.

“Who?” he asked looking back at you.

“My mom. My aunt. My cousins.” you waved your hand around the room, “Basically any ‘she’ at this reception.”

“Now you know how it feels.” he said smugly.

“How what feels?”

“Sitting in a room filled with people you’re going to disappoint when you tell them you and your fake significant other have broken up.” he laughed, “It’s exactly how I felt the other week.”

You groaned, “Poor mom. She’s never going to forgive me for losing you.”

“Just one more time.” Kihyun pleaded as he handed you a container.

“What’s this?” You asked pulling the door open for him.

Once he made it inside you kicked the door shut and he followed you to the living room where you plopped on the couch.

“A bribe.”

You opened the lid and sniffed at the homemade brownies. A giant smile taking over your face. “So what do you want this time?”

“It’s my birthday.”

“Happy Birthday!” you held the container out to him, “Birthday brownie?”

“No.” he chuckled, “It’s not today, it’s this weekend. Saturday. My friends are throwing me a party. Dinner and drinks, nothing crazy. Karaoke, I think?”

Your forehead creased in confusion. “You want me to go with you? Don’t they think we broke up.”

Kihyun’s face scrunched, “I...didn’t...tell them. I was going to! I was going to tell them when they came over for that next Friday dinner, but you asked me to your cousin’s wedding. I didn't want to have to explain why I went to a wedding with my ex, so I thought I’d wait until this latest Friday dinner, and then they dropped the news about the birthday dinner. They asked if you’d be there and I, in retrospect should have told them then, but instead I said you would be.”

“Okay.” you said simply popping a chunk of brownie in your mouth.

“Really? Just like that?” he asked.

“It was that or deep clean the bathroom.” you shrugged, “And hey! This way I can pull one of my dusty old dresses out of the closet.”

With a relieved smile he finally grabbed a brownie and sat back on the couch, “What are we watching?”

The birthday dinner had been amazing. You got along with all of Kihyun’s friends and they all made sure you knew just how much you were loved by them. They made you laugh so hard your cheeks hurt, and Kihun seemed so happy that you were all getting along so well. The only thing that felt off was the way Jinyoung, who Kihyun introduced as his best friend, was staring at you from across the table. It wasn’t weird or uncomfortable, at least not uncomfortable in a bad way. He watched you and Kihyun like a very casual observer. Collecting little bits of information from every action you took, but you didn’t know why he was doing it.

And you didn’t know why he was looking at you like he wanted to take you home. It seemed inappropriate for him to do it since you were with Kihyun, as far as anyone knew. No matter how inappropriate it seemed, you enjoyed it quite a bit, and even attempted to half flirt with him from across the table. Little looks, subtle smiles, lip bites, running your fingers down your neck. You knew what you were doing but you didn’t know why and worse you didn’t know why you felt bad about it.

When you left to the karaoke bar nearly everyone got too drunk. The front room of the building was a regular bar, and in the back were rooms for private parties. Everyone had been drinking and singing. Some people were singing so much and so loud they were losing their voices. Eventually you ran out of alcohol in the private room so everyone headed back out to the main bar for more. You’d stood up to go as well but Jinyoung had grabbed your hand and pulled you back down onto the cushions.

For awhile it was just a nice conversation. Yes his hand was on your knee and his head was resting on the back of the couch a little too close to your face, but it was still just talking. He asked if you remembered him from the wedding. You talked about Kihyun. He asked you what movies you liked. And you asked him what music he was into. He made you laugh and you thought he had such a gorgeous smile. His little eye crinkle snatched your heart right out of your chest. You weren’t sure how long you’d been in that room alone, but it felt sudden when he just came out and asked what you’d been thinking almost the entire night.

“Can I just kiss you already?” Jinyoung grinned.

“What? I-” you sputtered, “Kihyun.”

“It’s cute that you’ve been pretending to be his girlfriend. Cuter still that you think you two have been convincing.” he ran his tongue over his lips.

You gulped. “How did you know?”

“He doesn’t kiss you. And I know if you were my girlfriend I’d kiss you constantly. I’ve been thinking about doing it ever since I met you for the first time.” He leaned forward and said, “I think...you’ve been thinking about kissing me too.”

You looked around the room expecting someone else to be there but finding no one.

“It’s just us.” Jinyoung said moving his fingers over your neck so gently it almost tickled. “Your secret would be safe.”

It had been a really long time since you’d kissed anyone. And you’d had quite a bit to drink. And Jinyoung was remarkably good looking. Maybe just a little kiss wouldn’t be terrible. A peck in case anyone were to walk in. You still had a deal with Kihyun to be his fake girlfriend. With a quick lick of your lips you leaned forward and pressed your lips to his. You groaned immediately and your face flushed in embarrassment. He had to have known by that sound how long it had been since your last kiss. After a few seconds you pulled back, but just barely.

“Oh no.” you muttered.

“What’s wrong? Is it me?” he asked, scanning your face.

You shook your head. “No, but also yes. Your lips are so nice. I’m going to have to kiss you again.”

“And that’s a problem?” he grinned.

“Yes. You see I was just going to do a little kiss, but now I’m going to have to do a lot more.”

“Okay.” his eyes watched your lips the whole time you spoke and you were finding it difficult to hold back.

He opened his mouth to say something further but you leaned forward and pulled his bottom lip between your teeth instead. He groaned against your mouth and moved so that you were laying back on the cushions of the couch and he was hovering over you. This wasn’t you, this isn’t something you normally did. But his hair was soft and brushing against your forehead and your hands were sliding over his back. You could feel every muscle under his shirt and thinking about it made you want to cry. Your fingers moved over his shoulders and wrapped around his biceps.

A thought had crossed your mind to wrap your leg around his waist but you heard a disappointed Minhyuk say, “Oh no, guys. Don’t do that.”

You leaned your head back to see Kihyun and several of his friends in the doorway of the private karaoke room. He looked more upset than you would have ever expected him to but then you blinked and he was gone.

“Shit.” you pushed your way out from under Jinyoung and went to look for Kihyun.

He was on the side of the building near a dumpster kicking empty crates that had been for beer bottles. When he saw you he just looked at you for a silent moment and then scoffed before turning his back on you. Honestly you weren’t even sure what to say. You didn’t know why he was so upset. You genuinely wondered if he was just playing the role of scorned lover exceedingly well.

“Kihyun…” you said quietly once it seemed like he’d calmed down.

“Don’t...say anything.” he said turning around to you, “I just- I can’t believe you would do that.”

“You’re right. We shouldn’t have done that here. We should have waited.”

“No, you shouldn’t have done it at all!” he yelled so angrily you stepped back.

“Excuse me?”

Originally you had felt bad for ruining the charade, but now you were just angry. Angry that he was really standing there acting like you’d done something that actually hurt him. You were mad that he was yelling at you like you were a child. You were a grown woman, and he was a grown man who made it pretty obvious that you meant nothing to him.

“You know...You did a wonderful job convincing people that you love me, I almost fell for it!” Kihyun spat at you drunkenly.

“I don’t know why you’re so mad at me!” You screamed back.

“You kissed one of my best friends at my birthday party! When you were supposed to be my girlfriend?”

“But I’m not! Am I? You’re the one that always calls me your fake girlfriend! Always reminding me that none of this was ever real for you!” You didn’t want to cry, you were not going to cry. “I couldn’t just keep falling in love with you Kihyun! You were never going to love me back. So yeah I found someone who was genuinely interested in me and I kissed him instead.”

“What does that mean? Love you back? What do you mean?” He asked trying to process your words through his alcohol haze.

“Nothing. Forget it, Kihyun.” You shook your head, you were tired and you didn’t want to do this anymore. “Happy birthday, Ki. We’re officially broken up. Enjoy your life, don’t ask me for anymore favors.”

A week had passed and you hadn’t heard a single thing from Kihyun since you grabbed a cab and ditched his birthday party. You’d heard from Jinyoung though. He talked to you nearly everyday. He let you know that Kihyun had told his friends the truth about the two of you. Kihyun was sort of forced to when the whole group wanted to exile Jinyoung for kissing you.

In what you assumed was an attempt to avoid you Kihyun had even stopped getting his mail at the same time every day like he usually did, which you guessed was eating him from the inside out since he liked things so orderly and consistent. You weren’t upset about not seeing him, not really. Though you did find yourself peering out of the window more often than you normally did, just in case.

After almost a full second week of constant conversation with Jinyoung he finally asked you out on a date. It was a Friday night date, and you wore one of your favorite wedding dresses, a little red number. Dinner was great and Jinyoung was perfect but you could tell, despite it all, something wasn’t sitting right with you.

“I had a really nice time.” You smiled, albeit weakly, leaning against your front door as he dropped you off.

“Me too.” Jinyoung leaned in to kiss you.

You’d wanted it, or you’d thought you did, but just before his lips landed on yours you turned your face. He kissed your cheek instead. When he pulled away you were both surprised.

“I’m sorry.” You said quietly as you stared at your feet, “I don’t know why I did that.”

He let out a small, soft laugh. “I do.”

“You do?” You asked, finally looking at him.

“I do.” He cupped your face in his hand, brushing his thumb over your cheek. “I still had a really good time tonight, y/n. I’ll see you around.”

Your forehead creased as he walked away. Down the path and to his car. He gave you a wave as he ducked into the driver side and you returned the gesture. Still unsure of what had happened you went inside.

The heels on your feet got ditched in the doorway, and you pulled the pins in your hair, letting it fall over your shoulders. You’d just been about ready to wash off your makeup and put on your pajamas when there was a knock on the door. You figured maybe Jinyoung had left and gone around the corner and come back to apologize for his sudden departure. Instead as soon you unlocked the door and had it opened just an inch, Kihyun was bursting through.

“Good you’re home. I need your help.” He said and moved to the living room. He didn’t even glimpse at you.

You hated that your heart was racing at the sight of him as you followed him. “Please, come in.”

He plopped down on the couch and looked up at you as you walked in the room. He gulped while he looked you over in your slinky red dress, “You look nice. No Friday night face mask?”

“I had a date.” You glared before taking a seat in the chair. “Not that it’s your business.”

“Is Jinyoung here? Should I leave?” He asked looking around casually but it was clear what he was doing.

“No, he’s not here. Maybe you should still leave though.”

He couldn’t help the small smile on his face, both at the dig and the fact that Jinyoung hadn’t come in. “Didn’t go so great then?”

“What do you want, Kihyun?” You sighed.

“It’s almost Christmas.” He said opening what you realized was a calendar. You didn’t even see him carry it in. “I don’t know about you, but I’ve already been invited to like three holiday parties.”

“Okay…” you took the calendar he offered and looked at the marked dates, “What does this have to do with me?”

“I need you to be my date.” He shrugged.

He was acting like his birthday never happened. You looked up at him in clear confusion. “We’re done fake dating, remember? We broke up for real.”

“Okay but hear me out.” He said and leaned towards you, flipping slowly through the calendar as he spoke. “We are both going to have a bunch of holiday parties to attend. Then there’s New Years. And it just keeps going. January eleventh is International Thank You Day. February, obviously there’s Valentines Day, we’ll need dates for that. March 20th is World Frog day. April has Earth Day. May, International Museum Day, I can’t go to the museum alone. It would be so embarrassing.”

“I got it.” You said flipping through the pages where he had written down every arbitrary holiday it seemed he could find. You fought the urge to blush.

“I just think we shouldn’t be alone on those days, you know? And we do so well together with these kinds of things.” He tried to read your face but you offered him nothing in terms of a reaction. “What do you think? Do you want to be my girlfriend, a couple more times?”

You looked up at him surprised. All you could manage was a smile. You were speechless.

“What?” He asked from the edge of his seat.

“You didn’t say fake.”

“Because I don’t want you to be my fake girlfriend. I want you to be my actual girlfriend.”

Leaning forward, you kissed him. About halfway through you realized it was your first kiss so you dropped the calendar on the ground and wrapped your arms around him wanting it to last. He slid his arms around you and pulled you to the couch with him.

“Is that a yes?” He asked breathlessly a few minutes later after you pulled away.

“Just a couple more times.” You grinned, “but you’re really gonna owe me one.”

#yoo kihyun #monsta x #yoo kihyun scenarios #monsta x scenarios #kpop scenarios #kihyun #kihyun scenarios

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