#my laptop restarted itself so I lost all my stuff and had to make this from scratch without my settings haha so I hope it's not too awful

[upperranktwo]

[btswishes]

Love me for who I am now

Bucky x Reader ( Chapter 2 )

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Summary: You apply for the Stark internship and end up getting it, so now you have 5 months to make a good impression to continue working with the Avengers.

A/N: Continuing my little experiment here with chapter2, a bit more filler for the story. Sorry for any mistakes made, hope you enjoy it even a tiny bit.

Word count:  2,903

Warmings: fights, harsh language, not part of the original MCU

Y/N- Your name 

Y/L/N- Your Last Name

                                  ----------------------------

   The suitcase made a slight thumping sound, when you laid it down on the floor next to your desk. Wasting no time books found their new home on the empty shelves, notebooks fell asleep in the dark drawers. Pens, pencils, markers and all your stationary soon followed suit and found their own little space to rest.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.” the silence in the room finally got overthrown by the voice of its new owner, asking for some help in the matters unfolding 

Yes Miss Y/N

“Would you put a timer for 5min from now please?” still focused onto your stuff, finding them a visible but safe from damage storage. Nothing could destroy as well as time and dust did.

Timer set for 5 minutes from now.

“Thank you.” The only thing left to do now was to get the clothes in the closet and move the tech to the lab. Hopefully Dr. Banner wouldn’t mind waiting a bit more, not like he seemed to but who knows, Hulk lived inside him after all. You didn’t want to take a chance and play with his limits. The closet was hidden inside the wall, stealthy I must say. Toothpaste and toothbrush, essentials and cosmetics. All was done, now.

      Ding Ding Ding.  

Timer is going off  Miss. Shall I turn it off or restart it?

“Thank you F.R.I.D.A.Y. You can turn it off. “

  Your laptop and small bag were safely nestled under your arm, making your way outside the room.  For a moment you thought you got lost, but the orange tint of the sun’s rays soon pulled your attention in the right direction. Around the corner your nose caught the smell of caramel. Your head hesitantly protruded behind the pillar, as you called out to the man holding 2 cups in his hands firmly.

“Oh.” He jumped a bit, reaching out offering one of the mugs “ I hope you like it, we don’t have much selection when it comes to tea here. Coffee addicts you know.” he laughed out

“It is ok. Thank you very much.” Your leg levered and you swung onto the bar chair like it was nothing, taking a sip from the hot drink. You felt it warm you up slowly as it went down, melting away a bit of your anxiety. Once again your sight was captivated by the view. No one knows how much time passed since you got lost in the sunset, but it was nice. You could barely hear the bustling city from the 134th floor. It was only you, the sun and the room. Quiet almost like a safe serene space.

“Beautiful isn’t it.” Bruce shook you out of your little mind palace

“Mm? Ah, yes. Very much so. “ you puffed out some air with your smile, eyes forming little crescent moons “I feel like a cat, my attention keeps drifting to the glass unintentionally.”

“I understand you. I keep doing that myself and I have lived in the compound for quite some time now. “ the conversation was lighthearted, easily drifting over the main reason for your arrival “One would think I would be used to it by now.”

“Mr Stark made this place so calm. Big yet homey.” Your head scanned the area, words intriguing the doctor “ In a way it contrasts the inner state of most of the Avengers.” realized what just came out of your lips, your body stiffened. Oh man, way to ruin it - you thought to yourself “I am so sorry.” The mug clanked under the table, sending a vibration to his palm, as you bowed “I spoke out of place.”

“I think you might be on to something.” Your neck pulled your head up, a few strands of hair falling down next to your soft cheek. Bruce was still looking at the setting sun with a soft smile, his jaw exposing the beard to the light, coloring it a deep fiery yellow hue. There was something nostalgic in his dark eyes. “Most of us here have some sort of troubled past- lets sugar coat it a bit. This whole building, on the levels we use., is like a constant Zen state. It calms us down unintentionally. How do I say this...” He turned towards his coffee, laughing out almost silently.

“Maybe it offers you the peace you couldn’t have on the inside, masking the pain from past trauma. A way to indirectly cope with all that had happened, offering a haven to heal the past.” Bruce was listening to you, taking in your way of thinking and how right you were about something that had always been in front of his eyes ,but he had never noticed it before. Such a young girl, so much pain in her manner. He couldn’t bring himself to ask you about the weight inside your voice. It felt too close for him to do so. He had just met you after all, it is not like he could just straight up ask you about all your deepest and darkest secrets, that you might be hiding underneath your mature façade.

“Well, enough about our depressing past.” He pushed off the table “Lets get you situated in your new place.”Dr. Banner began walking in the direction of the lab, turning towards you from time to time. He was make sure you were close by and not lost somewhere in this maze of halls, corridors and who knows what else Tony could have hidden in these walls, for some unsuspecting person to stumble upon.

“I am sadly not familiar with your work like Tony is. He told me about you literally a few hours before you arrived, so you would have to excuse me for that.” You nodded with a smile, accepting the apology he didn’t even need to speak of 

“The lab is pretty big.” He unlocked the door and turned the lights on. It was exactly as he said and nothing like you had expected. The color pattern was the same tints, maybe a bit of blue mixed in as well, a dash of red. The tables and tech inside were state-of-the-art, high-quality and very well kept. Some weren’t even yet released or known to the public. Talking year 3054 up in here.

“This will be your desk, right next to me.”Bruce plopped onto his chair and waved at you “Hi, Hi.”

  He gestured for you to get yourself as comfortable as possible, which you almost couldn’t wait to do. Your fingers gently ran over the material getting familiar with it. Just with one look you already knew where everything was going to go, like it knew it’s own home. You had a tech bay, where you could check how systems worked, if they didn’t and building anything. It was amazing, just an arm’s length distance was possibility and creation itself. Excitement boiled inside you, eyes wide. Reaching inside the bag, you pulled out your work computer, your project tablet and made sure they were all connected to the internet and matched the Stark system interface. As soon as you saw the company logo you were all set up.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.” the silence danced hand in hand with your voice

Yes Miss. Would you like a run down on the desk functions?

“Yes please.” In a matter of minutes you realized that this wasn’t just some random fancy desk ,but a whole machine of its own. Interactive hologram functions, building station and program 3D design. It had it all. Bruce was shocked how easy you worked with F.R.I.D.A.Y. , naturally taking a lead and informing yourself at 100% capacity about what you will be working with. For a second Tony flashed before his eyes.

“What made you apply here?” he cut your investigation “I don’t mean to be rude but I saw some of your pre-university work.”

“No problem. I was mostly out of the country for a very long time, maybe most of my life. When I came back the Avengers were something I loved watching on the news.” The praise went over Bruce’s head unnoticed “ There was something nostalgic when I looked at you guys. Mr. Stark’s tech, the way everyone fought with ease, I don’t know how to explain it. I craved that in my life, almost like a forgotten world I was striving to immerse myself back into. “ a gentle crook of the neck and a smile eased Bruce from the question

“Well you made it here, so congratulations.” loud joyous clapping followed his words” I think I am talking for all of us, we will love having you around. So-” His face became serious, glasses finding the bridge of his nose onto his face, eyes sharp “Would you like to start with your job here miss intern?” he winked playfully waiting to see your reaction. Like a mirror ,you pulled your hair away from your face, rolled up your sleeves and flashed back the same look of determination. “Introduce me to your train of thought and your projects.”

“I work mainly with the structure and characteristics of vibranium. At first, I was focused on making prosthetics that pack a punch the same way the Iron Man suits worked and Sergeant Barnes’s arm- of course on a smaller scale. But then my mind started drifting towards the process before amputation, which was for a certain percent of people the healing factor. Maybe inside strength as well. ”

“As in incorporating it into medical technology?” this sounded too simple of an idea coming for someone Tony chose, yet Bruce kept listening. He was judging the book by its cover way too soon.

“Not exactly. Vibranium has a metal crystal structure that possesses ‘memory’ the same way other metals remember being indented even after getting fixed or straightened eventually. My theory has a few parts before I reach the main plan. Going on an atomic level, even deeper to its base structure, I change the connections between the atoms. They have the same functions as in keeping the shape, but missing that molding memory.”

“You are saying you can mold the bonds, selecting freely what function to remove?” Bruce pushed back off his chair, letting the idea enter his ear and stay there, feeding the interest on his face.

“I am not saying I can.” he was listening more and more with each passing minute “I am saying I did it. I am in the final stages of my project.” Your hands pulled out a flat disk of vibranium  “F.R.I.D.A.Y. would you do a double scan before and after I bend this?”

Affirmatively Miss. Scan done. Shall I offer a hologram?

“Please do.” Right between your two bodies you could now see the basics of the metal “ See how the bonds are thicker? I noticed, metal bonds just have to keep  the shape of the crystal structure. Not only did I make vibranium stronger than it originally was, but now if I bend-it.” Your voice strained in pair with your muscles, as you folded and unfolded the sheet. The second scan showed no memory intake not even deformed the shapes “I call this metal healing.”

“That...that is amazing, not even a crease to be noticed! But where are you going with this?” Bruce rubbed his face, still shook from what you just showed him

“It might sound stupid, but this isn’t even my main idea. You see, if we look at matter as one and the same, things start to add up. Everything on a molecular level has no difference. Bonds, and atom-placement dictate what the object will be, look like and how it works- properties if you wish. I looked at vibranium and human flesh as different parts of one thing, which lead me to believe enhancing people could be done without super soldier serums.”

“That is… truly amazing, but won’t the testing period be a sadistic thing. We are not HYDRA thankfully.” As great as this was Bruce had a point here “Human experiments are not a politic the Avengers will ever lean upon. As fellow humans nonetheless.”

“I am not planning to make another Winter Soldier. I already have control over vibranium on levels outside and inside hyperspace.” You pulled out a bottle of metallic looking dust. The top unscrewed easy and you spilled the contents like heavy silvery snow all over the floor. “If I take quarks from the human body and use them to make 1 proton from the atomic nucleus, I can theoretically program it to answer to the human body using the unbroken rule of our system.”

  Bruce blinked a few times understanding exactly where you were reaching “All work in favor of the body.” He said out loud, glasses sliding off his skin

“Exactly. If they get programmed correctly the metal will work for the body, under the command of the main system- the nerves and brain. Post that success I would be able to inject them with a liquid medium directly into the bloodstream. As they make their way to all parts of the body, they will get acquainted with the cells. I want to change them so they will be susceptible to hormones as well. Basically I want to make a metal compound that reacts like organic matter. It would be able, upon will, to pile around bones, create fibers, strengthening muscles ecc. Some could even carry other substances with them, or isolate toxic ones. Now their size and ability for diapedesis is still questionable. So far I can move them at a certain extend.” You swung your hand and the dust lifted off the floor cleanly in one swoop 

“That is amazing!” Bruce pitched his voice after seeing the floating cloud “Are you using some kind of device ?”

“No, this dust was modeled after me, I am the only guinea pig so no one was harmed in the making. I have to say though, it was quite painful till I got it right.” You laughed out uneasy, scratching your arm  

“ I could only imagine, taking your own tissue for this. What else could it do?”

“Well. I know that Mr. Stark isn’t into weapons anymore, so I pitched him the enhancing technique only. The dust’s only function right now sadly is shaping.” Your fingers danced as the vibranium cloud formed Captain America’s shield, before turning into a sword. “As long as I have enough information of structure, function and the way the object works I can make it.” Your footsteps were confidant and strong.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. the window if you please.”

Certainly Miss

   The clicking sound of the metal around the glass flung the object open. Your hand reached outside and pointed towards the sky. “My uncle had a deep interest in weapons so naturally I learned as well by listening to him.” The dust wrapped around your hand and formed a Heckler Koch pistols. With the pull of the trigger you shot into the air, making Bruce jump from the sound.

“I am sorry about that, I should have warned you.” You giggled stepping in

“That is a completely functional firearm. His breath normalized as his body took him right up to you, running his hands over the gun “ This is, something I can’t even imagine.” Eyes scanning every inch of it looking like a perfect mold “How does it look so solid? Smooth, no trace of it even being made from any smaller particle. ”

“Oh that, intra-atomic pressure. Kind of like gravity times 100 or more. If I pitched this to Mr.Stark I think the selling point would have been…”your fingers gently pulled the weapon out of Dr.Banner’s hand as the vibranium flew from the outside to the magazine “ It doesn’t run out of ammo since I call it back at anytime AND once in the body I can infest it.”

“It could travel through the blood stream and form clumps in certain organs!” he gasped

“I could have gone a bit more sadistic with this one, but I will stop talking now.” You laughed out sending your project back to its jar, securely tightened up. 

“How far is your limit? I mean is there a distance at which you can’t sense the partials, any mental fatigue or physical? You are amazing! This is something out of this world truly, no wonder Tony accepted your application. I wouldn’t be able to come up with anything closely resembling…wow.” He kept praising you each time his mouth opened

“Banner.” Light and confident footsteps accompanied the familiar playboy voice inside the lab

Welcome back Sir

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. medical bay on standby please.”

As you wish Sir

“I would appreciate it if you stepped back from my new intern and helped out a bit. We have injured coming in stat.” Tony waved his hand and Bruce pulled away from you, cleaning the couch on his side “You too miss intern. No slacking off just because it’s your first day. Treat it as orientation.”

“Yes Mr. Stark.” Panic rose up inside you again as you tried to follow what Dr. Banner was doing. Injured? Were the rest of the Avengers on a mission this whole time? It didn’t matter, you were mobilized as well and for a second it felt kind of cool, like you were also an agent fighting crime. The grunts and groans pulled you back to Earth as Captain America’s large frame stepped inside.  

[akatsuki-celeste]

I can feel my anxiety medication wearing off so before I re-up it, because if ever there was a day that I just need to keep it going - I feel the need to scream into the void first. 

I haven’t talked about my personal life that much save for a few depressive, anxiety-fueled rants before, and maybe this is just one more of those but longer. But today was the last day in a long saga of days that has just made me....really question *everything*. It’s probably the closest I’ve ever felt to being absolutely done. 

So the last year and a half has been quite the roller coaster and occasional hell for me, as I imagine it has been for everyone else on the planet. Everyone has their own 2020 story to tell, everyone’s is important, so I haven’t made a huge deal out of mine. I’m luckier than most. So this isn’t a post where I’m going to go on and on about how rough I’ve had it, etc, etc. This is just going to be about...me. The facts, as seen by me. 

In March 2020, my work began efforts to roll out a remote work plan that I qualified to start early due to being immunocompromised thanks to a fun little auto-immune disease called ulcerative colitis. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 18, so basically half my life, and the medication I had been on then, Remicade, was one I’d been using for the last decade with absolutely no issues except maybe I get really tired and like naps afterwards. All of that went smooth. I felt relieved that I, at least, was going to be at home. One of my roommates, also a co-worker, was able to work out the same situation so we didn’t even need to deal with transportation for her until the official lockdown. 

And then a week - possibly less, my memory is hazy - my roommates (my then-best friend and her brother) got into a screaming fight of such epic proportions that I had an actual mental breakdown in the middle of (first for me). I remember hiding in my room with my laptop - I was still trying to work for some reason, I do remember eventually telling my boss I had a family emergency so I could log off - I remember calling my mother in a panic, and then I remember waking up at my parents’ house about 6 hours later and finding out that my mother had told my former roommates to gtfo, which I did not attempt to rescind (not at the time, because apparently I was there when it happened but I don’t remember this, and not later) because I knew living with them was no longer feasible for a number of reasons which I will not go into. I’m still dealing with five years of mental abuse and trauma on that one. 

By the first week of April they were gone, and I was able to busy myself for the next few months with making my place habitable for one person again, which was a good distraction. And then September came around and I started to notice these, well, patches on my skin. At first I thought it was just eczema or dry skin irritation, it happens sometimes. But with each month they got worse and worse, until December finally rolls around and the only conclusion anyone can come up with is that my trusty Remicade, which had successfully kept my UC in check for a decade, had finally decided to stop playing nice with my body and I was having a “psoriasis-like” reaction. So for the first time in a long while I was starting the medication shuffle again, steroid creams and a new UC medication that took nearly 4 months to get approved. I’m still not recovered even though I’ve been off of Remicade for 7 months now. It takes 6 months for that stuff to fully work its way out of a system, so the reactions didn’t stop until a few weeks ago and I’m still struggling to heal. I’d say it’s about 75% better than it was, but showers still suck, pants also suck, and I can’t tolerate temperatures higher than 70 degrees (hi summer, you suck). Also during this time I got the COVID vaccine (woo!) but seriously, if not for remote work I probably would have lost my job. I used up most of my sick leave in the beginning of the year because I couldn’t move without pain, even to sit at the computer for 8 hours. I also have a ton of PTO, but my boss told me that I couldn’t necessarily use it for sick leave (news flash for me) and again, could lose my job if I tried to use it too much. So trigger my anxiety. A lot. 

Fast forward. In one week my office is reopening for 50% capacity, which apparently means to upper management that we have to all work 3 days a week in office, 2 days remote, which doesn’t match the math but whatever. They’ve also stopped screening temperatures, have nixed the social distance requirement, and are only requiring masks for the unvaccinated - but aren’t requiring anyone to say whether they are or not. Needless to say, not exactly the best reassurance for my still-immunocompromised ass, not to mention the dress code will murder my skin. So I ask about continuing remote work and get told I need an ADA accommodation. Okay. I get the paperwork and pass it on to my GI; I was already on FMLA for my UC, figured this wouldn’t be that different. 

Except my GI has refused to sign the paperwork, saying there’s no medical reason for me to continue remote work. Despite still not being recovered from the skin reaction I got back in December from the Remicade, despite finding information that Remicade potentially interferes with the vaccine, I’ve been told to just adhere to social distancing and mask-wearing despite my employer not requiring that of anyone else. And with all the information about the delta variant coming out.... yeah, I’m scared. Probably paranoid, probably anxious. I have no idea how I’m going to get through a work day without having to medicate and I won’t be able to function if I have to do that. i see my psych before RTW-Day, but only a few days before. 

My last chance is that the dermatologist I’m seeing on Wednesday might be able to fill it out based on my condition, but at the moment I’m in a cycle of panic that I’m going to be told it’s Not That Bad and not get taken seriously. Which is a feeling I’ve been having a lot lately. I know it’s partly the depression and anxiety ramping itself up, but I just don’t know what to do now. All I want to do right now is press the restart button. Sell my place, relocate to a new place so radically different from where I am now that I can’t even compare it, start over. Get a puppy, write a novel, not be in $33k worth of debt. This wasn’t where I’d hoped to be at 36, and now it feels like it’s going to be another 5-6 years before I can get there. If I can get there. It seems like another lifetime. 

Anyway. That ends my void screaming. TLDR, I have to start working in the office again in a week, I’ve been told by my GI that my auto-immune disease doesn’t qualify me for an ADA accommodation to keep working from home, my anxiety is now living with me instead of me living with it, and my last shot is a dermatologist I’ve never met before. 

[luckdogpuppy]

Why I Hate Electronics

In the old days we had ms-dos and had to fiddle with config.sys and himem.sys spending endless hours and sleepless nights trying to get the computer to run a program. Computers have come a long way since windows 95 but using them certainly hasn’t gotten any easier. I remember wondering back then why they couldn’t make a computer that actually worked, that actually figured out how to make itself work and work with other programs and devices…after all, it is a computer, isn’t it? No, instead they just get more complicated and mystifying. Now its modems and routers and ethernets and wifi that drive me crazy, and trying to cope with constant buffering when I try to watch Netflix. Who the hell can remember which remote to use to access the right button? And when you do find the right remote to access your tv who can figure out how to get to whatever it is you need to fix? And how many fucking passwords can a person remember? And passwords have to be more complicated every year. I can barely use my phone, flipping from one screen to another with my finger. It seems the only way to get out of certain screens is to shut your phone off and restart it. And nobody tells you this stuff…you have to figure it out on your own. Ever read the Microsoft manual? Who does? Just looking at the pages makes me scream. And even when you go to Youtube they go so fast you have to pause it every two seconds to write that shit down. I have endless sheets of paper in a drawer filled with step-by-step instructions on how to do computer problems. Why? Why can’t computers do these things by themselves? The last time I lost my internet connection I got all excited when I discovered this thing on my computer that told me it would run a diagnostic of my system and troubleshoot it. Wow, that sounded great. When I went there and ran it it said “you have lost your internet connection.”  

They say that computers can do everything, but they still haven’t given us a computer that can fix itself or even do something as simple as letting us plug it into a router without having to go through an eleven step process to get the damn thing to work. What pisses me off is that I know they could do this. I can’t even get my two wifi extenders to work. By some miracle I did get them to work for a while but one day they both just shut off and I haven’t been able to get them running since. I can’t get past the step where I’m asked for a password. It says I’m supposed to use the one on the back of the router. Well, what it says on the back of the router is “password: (leave the field blank)”. Except when I am asked for the password it won’t let me leave the field blank. Instead it says “your password is not long enough.” Then I’m told to go to my wifi icon on my taskbar to find out what the password is. But I don’t have a wifi icon on my taskbar. So I go online and find that there are pages on how to find and/or replace the wifi icon on my taskbar, and after going through all five of the different methods of finding and replacing that icon on the taskbar without success I learn that there is no way I’m gonna get that icon to appear on the taskbar because the Windows 10 system that came with my computer doesn’t come with a wifi icon on the taskbar; Microsoft removed that file in the latest version of Windows 10. I learn that I have to buy Windows 10 Pro to get that stupid wifi icon. Are you shitting me?

I finally did find an obscure site that explained a convoluted way to find out what your router and extender passwords were. You have to start with your command prompt to get there…but that didn’t help…surprise, those passwords there didn’t work either. And don’t even ask me how to go back there and look at those passwords again. It took me an hour to figure out how to get to my command prompt from my start menu. Hint: don’t left click like you’re used to doing. When you left click on the Start menu you are presented with a long and very impressive list of places to go, all in alphabetical order, and you would think that the “Command” prompt would be there under the “c” column. But no, there is nothing that says “Command Prompt”. No, you have to right click instead. You’ll find another list of places to go there. But even then there is nothing that says “Command Prompt.” You have to click on “run” for the command prompt to come up. There is a lot of shit you can do through the command prompt but nobody is going to tell you what the secret codes are that will allow you to do those things. It used to be easy to get to the command prompt. All you had to do was click on the “Start” button. But now they’ve decided to make this an hour-long quest to find it. I have all this shit written down on endless sheets of paper in that drawer. Truth be told this electronic world makes me tear my hair out. I hate it with a passion. What pisses me off even more is that I also love it…when it’s working.

I can’t even get my computer to recognize my own email address. I bought a new Dell desktop three years ago and still get a daily message saying that I need to fix a problem with my Microsoft account. So I periodically go through the process and change my password but no matter what I do I still get that stupid message. I even had Microsoft tech reps guide me through the process three times now yet I still get that same old message. And every time I try to access my Microsoft account I’m told “that email address is already used by a different account.” I deleted all my accounts and started over but the message still comes up…the problem remains. I’ve explained all this to those tech reps but nothing keeps that message from coming up. I even signed up for a different email address but that didn’t fix the problem either and now I have an extra “Outlook” email address that I never use and wouldn’t know where it is if I did want to use it. I think the problem started when I bought a new Dell laptop. I had to sign up for a Microsoft account then. But I didn’t care for the laptop and sent it back two days later and ordered the desktop…and now Microsoft still thinks that whoever owns that laptop has the rights to my email address and not me. I explained all this to those Microsoft tech reps but that didn’t solve anything either. Yeah, this stuff bothers me. I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t like loose ends. I like things to be neat and tidy and feel like everything is in its place. But this computer stuff feels all scattered and disconnected and just fucked up. I know it’s working on my mind even when I’m not struggling with it.

In order to fix my Netflix buffering problem (and my wife’s need to have internet access for her work-at-home job) I bought a new router. I’ve had the same old cheap router for 6 years so I figure its time for a new one. I did just buy a 40 ft ethernet cable that I plugged into the back of the router and ran it along the ceiling down the hall and into the back of the tv in the living room, but we’re still having problems with “Home not available” still coming up at times. I actually bought a new router last year; an Archer A7. But I was never able to get it to work so I had to send it back, thinking it must have been defective. I realize now that it probably worked just fine and that the problem was me…that I couldn’t figure out how to get it to work. Then I had a helluva time trying to get the old one up and running again. Did you ever feel that your brain was on fire and ready to burst? That was how I felt after struggling with those two routers for 3 days. So my new router came last week and it turns out it’s the same model; the same one I tried to set up and sent back last year. I thought it was a different one because it was called a Tp-link, but its actually an Archer A7 too. On the box it says it’s a AC 1900 and on the instruction sheet it also says it’s a MU-MIMO Wi-Fi Router, so just figuring out what these things are called is a science in itself. So now I’m frightened to death to even try to set it up. The first thing the instructions say is “if this” and “if that”…as if I know the answers to these ifs. There is also a long list of FAQs in case you have problems and need help. That scares the shit out of me, too, cause I know I’m gonna need help…and lots of it. Then it gives me three different methods of setting the thing up, all of them quite convoluted and requiring me to access various internet sites, SSIDs and wireless passwords. Then I have to go to a number url: 192.188.1.1 and I remember that this is where I had to go to get my extenders to work but I was never able to get those urls to come up. Then I found out that they only come up if you use Google Chrome, and of course there is nothing in the instructions that tells you you can only use Google Chrome. No, you have to find that out on your own too. So now I have to change my browser and come up with another password so I can access Google Chrome. I am so afraid that I will not be able to complete these steps correctly and that I will then have to struggle another two days to get my old router to work again that the new router is still sitting on a shelf two weeks later. I’m thinking that I should go to Best Buy and have the Geek Squad come and set up my router but I know I’ll have to listen to them explain their convoluted tech plan that will ask me to decide whether to get a one visit deal or buy a year subscription…and I know one visit will not fix all my loose ends. And it makes me wonder if that is the reason why computers intentionally aren’t made to fix things.  

Oh, by the way, I’m sitting here writing all this down with my Microsoft Word, and now I find that I am unable to save what I’ve written because I don’t have a subscription to Word any more. I guess my free time is over. God, don’t you love it? You can’t even buy a computer with a simple word processor in it without having to pay a yearly fee to use it. Next thing you know somebody will figure out how to put a chip under your skin that measures how many breaths you take so they can charge you for the air you breathe.  

Dear Lord, if reincarnation is real please let me go to a world that is either before computers or way beyond computers. Or better yet, where computers and routers and extenders actually use a computer so they can work together.      

[aquariuswannabe]

Life is boring so I decided to stay up late for the 1 millionth time in my life. To be more sustainable, from now on I’m keeping my laptop on my desk and not on the floor or my bed incase it overheats or gets stepped on again. From now on, I’m trying my hardest to keep my room clean. I can’t say so about my shelf... it’s not particularly messy since there's not much stuff there but its not particularly... clean either. About a week ago when my mum cleaned my room she found my library card and I thought that I lost it because I was too lazy find it again after I hid underneath my bed to try and cover up the fact that I overslept. (didn’t work, hasn’t the past 4 times) So basically now, I’m writing this while watching YouTube on my iPad because sleep doesn’t exist anymore. You can already tell by my blue ass dark circles around my eyes. But that doesn’t really matter anymore. Since it’s a Friday, (more like a Saturday very early in the morning) I can sleep in all I want. But for now, I just want to stay up. I found two pictures of reallllly fucking good looking food on Pinterest! It reminds me that I’m hungry, but I can’t really eat now. That’s fine. Watching the “Z e l d a w a v e  I I” video on YouTube made me remember how good all of the multiple versions of Fairy Fountain are. The original is good, so is the vaporware version, the piano version is AMAZING, but the slowed version is just the chefs kiss. It makes me feel like I’m slowly drifting away from life in my lovers arms, safely and happily and a finally dying world. Do you get what I mean? It’s so oddly and eerily satisfying to think of that. But the song itself is sooo calming. Personally for me I prefer slow reverb versions because they either have a calmer and more relaxed vibe or a sexier vibe and I like both of those, plus they always make the songs sound so much better imo. But that’s just me!! Plus, it’s my cat’s birthday today. Fun fact: I used to not count 12:00 as the next day because it wasn’t a restarting number!! How silly is that... but yes. 12:00AM is officially the 19th of September 2020, my cat’s 14th birthday. My mum wants to make him a tuna cake. I really like the dark. It’s so relaxing at night time... with the warm weather but nice cool breeze blowing on you, exactly ideal for me. Plus, it always feels better after you have a shower. I have to admit my hygiene has been lacking for a while. I PROMISE!! that I’ll do something to change that. It’s really not healthy. I know, I’m shitty at remembering a lot! Don’t worry babe <3 I’ll get to things eventually. OH and btw, if it wasn’t obvious, I’m a Hufflepuff. Maybe it WASN’T obvious. I honestly don't know if I’m like the stereotype... I hope I’m not, but I do believe I’m most like Hufflepuff out of all the Harry Potter Houses, and I don’t even like harry potter or spend any time of day researching it. I must remind myself to stop eating btw, before I had a series of throwing up for 3 full days and diarrhea for 5 whole days, I was gaining weight. So from now on, I’ll try my best NOT to be lazy and to actually have the motivation to walk to school. Anyways, I feel like it’s time to stop writing. At this point I’m just full on rambling!! Like what’s the point! Plus, I’m getting impatient for something I forgot I was going to do! Oh right, it was put my empty plate in the kitchen. And yes, there are different time zones. So it is currently 12:27am for me. Oh and one quick fact before I go: my favorite animals are frogs, ducks, turtles and cats. Enjoy Lauren as your leaving present!

[alluras-paladins]

3 Times Shiro Helps Matt and 1 Time Matt Returns the Favor

Happy Voltron Positivity Day! Thank you so much @stargazershiro for organizing this!! I’m always here for positivity and I have so enjoyed seeing all the amazing work on my dash! this really pushed me to do something new, which was amazing! 

I wrote his Shatt fic for @helloimren and I hope they like it!! also i’m so sorry i’m posting this so late in the day!

Summary

It didn’t start out as a thing. Or maybe it was always a thing and neither of them noticed. The point is they weren’t keeping track. This was always just a natural element of their relationship. You could say they were there for each other. Sometimes it seemed like one of them needed to be there more than the other. But that was neither here nor there. This story starts on a day when the bells start going off and a pattern makes itself known.

aka a 3+1 story ranging from pre Kerberos Galaxy Garrison life to the boys finding each other as Rebel and Paladin and the many instances where they help each other out in different circumstances

Rating: T

Relationship: Shatt

Words: 8008

Status: One Shot/Complete

Read on Ao3

It didn’t start out as a thing. Or maybe it was always a thing and neither of them noticed. The point is they weren’t keeping track. This was always just a natural element of their relationship. You could say they were there for each other. Sometimes it seemed like one of them needed to be there more than the other. But that was neither here nor there. This story starts on a day when the bells start going off and a pattern makes itself known.

 ***

1

Matt wanted to think he had this project in the bag. From the day it was assigned he was excited about the different possibilities and in the first few days he set straight to working on his outline, and making plans to go to the library and research his hypothesis and was absolutely, under no circumstances going to procrastinate to the last second. With 2 ½ weeks to make, write, and polish off his project, Matt was positive he would have this done with time to spare.

The way Matt sees it, the problem with creating an outline and making plans to go to the library for research is that it’s all good and dandy during the first few days of an assignment. It makes you feel like you were productive and you accomplished something already and you think, “I’ve got loads of time left, and look at me getting stuff done. I’m even being responsible with time management and planning ahead. No need to sweat it.”

Wrong.

Sweat it.

Sweat it big time.

Because otherwise you do what Matt did. You make all these plans to go to the library to study and research, but you never actually go. And then before you know it two weeks have flown by and it’s the day before your project is due and you end up like Matt. Crammed into small Galaxy Garrison dorm room after scaring away your roommate with hissing noises and a computer that probably shouldn’t have been making those sounds but you were too busy searching under your bed for that reference book you were sure you checked out and had hidden somewhere around here, to pay it much mind.

Alone and stressed out and totally blameless with absolutely no idea how he ended up here (these are total lies and he knows it, deep down, but he’s not ready to admit fault to himself just yet) Matt is about one page away from giving up on the project all together and taking the F. It won’t be the only one he’s ever gotten. Maybe the only one for lack of effort. But it matters a lot more to him now than it ever has. His dad told him they’re looking at cadets from his class for a new mission and he knows one bad grade could cost him - especially one from just not turning in a major project that he had two weeks to complete.

Matt is weighing the pros and cons, considering asking for an extension, though he knows he has no grounds and that would probably root against him on the record for this new mission bidding too, when his door slams open and on the other side of it walking through the threshold in all his distracting beauty is Shiro.

“Hey Shiro, nice to see you too? Ever knock? Since when do you have a key to my dorm anyway? What are you even doing here? Didn’t I tell you I was working on this hell project? I could have sworn I complained about it at least three times this week?” Matt was already feeling a bit frantic about his lack of progress on this project. He and Shiro were great study partners when they teamed up on assignments but Shiro was most definitely not in this class, very few pilots elected to take the more advanced sciences. On the occasions when he and Matt tried to study separate things in the same room, they often got distracted by other topics far too easily and learned quickly they just had too much else to do together to waste time studying.

Matt also found more and more recently that he would get sucked in by Shiro’s lips as he spoke or the way his eyes lit up when he thought about the day's simulations. Or even Shiro's fingers and how they wrapped around a pencil or twisted as they folded paper into small airplanes or stars. It was just too easy for Matt to get distracted by Shiro. And Matt really needed to not be distracted right now.

“Hey. I did knock. Twice. I texted you to tell you I was on my way over too but you never answered me. When you didn’t answer the door I just figured it was open. It was open.” Shiro started his story with his signature “worried big brother” look Matt catches him giving the younger cadets all the time but by the end of it it had morphed into a small smirk even Shiro’s perfect manners couldn’t hide. “How is the project going? I kind of figured by now you'd either be at master genius breakthrough levels or total meltdown ready to call it quits levels?”

“The second one”

“Ahh. Alright then. All nighter. You. Me. First one to fall asleep buys dinner!”

“Shiro.. you can’t be serious. We’ll never get this done. Look at this place?”

“Then we better get organized! Let's get all the books collected over here, and your model materials, over there? And maybe save everything and restart your laptop.. I think that might be steam coming out of the top?”

“Crap!”

“And while we do that why don’t you start from the top of your outline.”

Matt quickly started fanning the near-flames of his computer while Shiro started to organize the chaos of his project inside the tiny dorm room. Matt watched him run around putting books in piles and the styrofoam in a bin by the edge of the bed with some colored paper, markers and glitter. Shiro moved around Matt’s room with such ease. It was small and regulation but it was also Matt’s space and Shiro had absolutely zero problem walking right in and making himself at home in it. Matt realized he was staring and starting to veer off into thoughts he was better off avoiding (for as long as possible) and went back to focusing on his computer. Letting the silence settle over the two of them comfortably.

He risked one more glance up at Shiro a moment later, when Shiro was finishing collecting the last of the books from where they were thrown haphazardly around the room. Matt waited for him to settle on the floor beside him before speaking.

“Hey, Shiro?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks. For helping me.”

“Of course Matt. I’ll always be here for you, every time!”

***

2.

3:52: Hey

3:52: Class just let out and i’m on my way over. Did you still want to go over your plans for field week?

3:59: please tell me you’re home because I just rounded the corner and this could be really awkward

4:00: Matt your roommate hasn’t liked me since you put that virus on his computer and told him I was using it

   4:00: He’s not here

4:00: You’re alive

4:00: mostly

4:01:... what happened

4:02: I tried to change the duvet and got stuck inside

Shiro put his phone away. Having received confirmation that Matt was both in the dorm and alone he grabbed his backpack and straightened from where he’d perched himself outside his friends room. It probably looked a little odd, someone of Shiro’s status lurking outside the dorms like this. But this had become a common occurrence by now and Bell Hall was used to spotting Shiro near Matt. Shiro liked to think the familiarity and calm that washed over the hallway, replacing the various looks he received; strange, fearful, inquisitive, verging on respectful, were limited to the dorm hallway as a result of his and Matt's abundance of time together but the truth was most of the Garrison was privy to gossip about the two of them in one way or another.

“Matt?”

“Shiro?” the sound was muffled, but the reluctance wasn’t hard to miss. Sweeping the room with a smirk Shiro caught sight of a lump on the second bed in the small regulation room. Covered in a twisted, oversized, white as snow, duvet that was probably four times the size the standard regulation was his study partner and best friend. Shiro didn’t even try to help the smile that crept onto his face.

“Hey there.”

“Shut up”

“I haven’t said anything yet”

“Stop smiling”

“What makes you think i’m cruel enough to smile at my best friend’s misfortune?”

“I can hear the smile in your voice you ass.”

“You should really be nicer to me. I am the one who’s going to get you out of this mess.” Shiro’s smirk was getting bigger and bigger as this conversation went on. Matt’s voice was still muffled through the covers but he was getting louder and more confident.

Shiro really didn’t know how it was possible but the more time he spent around Matt the further into his orbit he was drawn.  

“Don’t bother with a rescue mission. It’s too risky. Just send in rations and entertainment and promise to take care of my laptop. And Katie. She’ll need a good support system if i’m going to be lost to the walls of this pillow fortress for good. But mostly my laptop.”

Shiro laughed at his friends overdramatics. Matt was always.. theatrical. Despite the slimmer boy’s pull towards all thing clinical and scientific, he had a way with presentation and people that never failed to amaze Shiro. When Matt talked about things he loved or cared about it, when he got excited or invested in something, Shiro would lose focus on everything else in the room. Matt found a way to capture Shiro’s attention to the fullest extent on a more and more frequent basis and he was at a complete loss at how it happened. Matt was just, captivating, and dramatic, and talked with his whole body in a way that made Shiro sometimes flush to the tips of his ears- not the kind of reaction Shiro relishes in, thank you.

“I think I’ll risk the rescue. Can’t lose my best friend to unforgiving tundra of the oversized duvet wastelands now can I?” If Shiro’s chest felt an extra little beat when he said the words ‘best friend’ these days, well, he really hoped his voice stayed casual enough it wasn’t noticeable. Matt didn’t seem to care as he just shuffled around under the giant duvet and Shiro took that as a sign to move on.

“No Shiro, I won’t risk your life too!”

“If we go down, we go down together! It’s a risk i’m willing to take for you!”

“Aww, you’d live out the rest of your life in a duvet bubble for me Shiro?”

“Well when you put it like that..” Shiro made like he was going to leave when he felt a blanket covered hand flail and reach out towards him.

“No! Wait! Kidding, i’m kidding! Rescue me Takashi!”

“Alright, alright would you stop squirming? I can’t get this untangled with you so restless. How did you even get it this tangled anyways? I can’t even find the other corner to let you out?” Shiro was half leaning over Matt’s body at this point, Matt’s knees digging into Shiro’s ribs while Shiro searched the bed and ran his hands along the edge for the missing tangled corners to the duvet. He could feel the heat from Matt’s body coming through the blanket and knew he was just lucky that Matt was still trapped under those covers or he would be treated to a fully flustered Shiro. Shiro wanted to blame the flush on the exhaustless search for the edge of the blanket, but he knew deep down that it had nothing to do with that and all to do with the warm, beautiful, funny, best friend lying underneath him.

“Check the corners of the bed. I tucked some of them in under the bed to hold the duvet down when I started but I wasn’t able to get them loose from here.”

‘Now he tells me’ Shiro thinks. After he spent all his time practically fondling his friend, his hands inching their way under his body to look for stray blanket to see if Matt rolled over it by mistake in all his wiggling. “Alright.” Leaning over Matt even further Shrio reaches to the edge of the bed and tucks his hands between the wall and the mattress and comes away with a handful of big, white, fluffy duvet. From there it's just a matter of untangling Matt like a burrito, which Shiro does none too gently but at least makes sure he lands on his bed with his head squarely on a pillow.

“Oof.” Matt squeaks out at his body makes contact with the bed. “Thanks. It was getting kind of hot in there. But i’m gonna miss my little cocoon. And the locals were pretty friendly. We should go back and visit sometime.”

He says it so calmly. Like a joke. Which it probably was. But that doesn’t stop the images from flooded Shiro’s mind and it’s too late to stop them. The two of them, snuggled under that giant duvet of oversized cuddly death. Warm and safe. Safe and warm. Together. Hidden from responsibilities and training and homework and expectations. Just the two of them smiling and laughing, because Matt always makes him laugh and Shiro has never figured out how he does it so easily. It’s no sooner than all of these thoughts are registering than Shiro is realizing he may just be in a little more over his head for his best friend, his study partner, for Matt, than he ever stopped to think about. But that’s probably okay because it’s Matt.  And these feelings aren’t bad. He knows the difference between small crushes, basic attraction, and real feelings. This is becoming something he doesn’t even have a name for and Shiro is finding he doesn’t even mind.

“Yeah. Maybe we should!” Shiro finally said with a small grin, taking a seat next to Matt on the bed. He pulled his backpack along with him now, knowing eventually the two would get to whatever it was he had originally come here for, the topic hazy somewhere in the back of his mind; not completely forgotten but certainly not to be taking the focus of his memory anytime soon with Matt looking at him with those wide eyes, like he just told him their dreams were coming true tomorrow and they were headed to space. What had Shiro done to deserve this?

Suddenly Matt’s smile grew wide to match his eyes. “Really now? Alright then! But the terrain in there is tricky - don’t say I didn’t warn ya.  Just promise me you’ll be ready to save us if we get trapped?”

“Every time.” Shiro smiled down at his friend, whose smile had gone from blinding and mischievous to serene with Shiro’s words.

“Good.” Matt perked back up “Because I think the Blanket Gods will bend more easily to your will than mine.”

“That’s because I offered you up as a virgin sacrifice”

“Hey!”

***

3

To be really honest, once the giant purple koala-cat aliens showed up and honest to God abducted them from Kerberos, Matt had all but checked out from everything. It was only the feel of Shiro’s hands on his face once that seem to check him back to the present. They seem to have been thrown into a cramped dirty cell along with about 13 other aliens. Matt had lost his mind when they separated them from his dad and he was only now registering the pain from the but the butt of the gun they hit him with to shut him up, the scrape of his knees through his suit on the cold floor, the dried blood on Shiro’s forehead where their faces are just so close.

“Matt? Try to breath with me Matt. It’s going to be okay” Matt probably should have realized that he was having a small panic, that would make sense. But Shiro was whispering and he was so close the words vibrated against his pale face making him flush in the dark room.

“Sh-Shiro” Matt licked his lips and tried to look away from Shiro’s gaze. To look anywhere but his lips or his eyes that even now seemed so inviting. So warm. Like home, like safety, but his gaze just kept darting from one to the other. Eyes, lips, eyes, lips. Matt felt his breathing getting more ragged and uneven and Shiro’s eyes grew wide and he must have noticed too. Matt knew his flush was obvious under Shiro’s hands. He hoped Shiro was too busy watching his breathing and not paying close attention to the breakdown he was having on top of his already massive meltdown since they boarded the ship. The crush he harbored for his friend was no news to Matt but it was something kept pushed to the far recesses of his mind for analysis at a later time (a time Matt kind of hoped would never come because dealing with it meant facing emotions and Matt was far better with facts and figures. Real things he could calculate or even theorize. His hopeless feelings for Shiro were better left in the dark corners of his mind).

But huddled in a corner on an enemy ship, scared, alone, and on the edge of breaking, Matt was finding those feelings bubbling quickly to the surface at the most inappropriate time.

“Matt, I, we should-” Shiro started to pull his hands away from Matt’s face and he felt something inside him break.  If he lost Shiro’s closeness he might actually lose what was left of his small grip on his sanity. Matt didn’t claim to have a lot of things, his brain, his family, and his best friend. All of which he was on the the precipice of losing right this second.

“Just kiss me?” He meant it to sound commanding, like he knew exactly what he was saying. He didn’t need or want Shiro asking him if he was sure, questioning where they were or what he was thinking. He just wanted to feel Shiro’s lips on his once before the worst happened. Much to Matt’s chargen, it came out more like a plea; barely above a whisper, his voice scratchy from crying and and just a bit too high.

The 2.87 seconds it took Shiro to process and act on Matt’s command/request felt like an absolute eternity. But he’d stopped pulling away. He’d stopped pulling away and then chapped lips were on Matt’s and a warm tingling sensation was rushing down Matt’s spine and the warm, safe feeling Matt gets when he looks in Shiro’s eyes was multiplied by ten. This was better, this was so much better.

Shiro’s hands moved from Matt’s cheeks and into his hair and Matt brought his to hold around his waist and dragged his body as close as he could get until he was practically sitting in Shiro’s lap. (Not that he had started much farther away considering the cramped cell but now it was for much nicer reasons and the warmth and the hand in Matt’s hair made Matt’s stomach do flips)

The kiss breaks when the two are flushed a nice pink and Matt’s lips are sore and tingly in the best way. It’s the kind of pain he wants to hold onto for as long as he can. Something to help ground this moment in his memory forever.  

“So long” he hears shiro whisper, almost with more care than before.  Their voices, quiet to preserve what perceived privacy they have in this mass cell, have taken on a new fondness meant only to be share by the two of them.

“Saying goodbye to me already?”

Shiro had them backed up into a corner, the closest to the door on the left. His left arm held around Matt’s waist while his hand continued its ministrations in his hair and his knee braced against Matt’s back. Matt took to this new position and wrapped his arms around Shiro’s neck, touching his forehead to his.. Lover? (Way too soon.) Best friend? (Think you just established it’s a bit more than that.) His Shiro. (Good enough.)

“Matt” Shiro groaned likely at what was Matt’s ability to pun even at a time like this. Captured by aliens - aliens- just coming down from a panic attack and the most amazing makeout session in the history of makeout sessions.

“I’m just saying, if you’re going to leave me Takashi, you better do it properly. I never expected you’d be the Wham-Bham Thank You Man kind of guy Kiss ‘em and Leave ‘em type but I mea-”

“Matthew.”

“Takashi.”

There was a moment of silence between them as they just stared back into each other's eyes, almost challenging. For half a second Matt thought it would end in another kiss. But then Shiro softened.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Well that’s good.” Matt slid down shiro’s lap a little and laid his head on his neck. The room was dark and crying and panicking and emotions were exhausting. Shiro’s warmth was comforting. Shiro was comforting. The room was still smelly and Matt still wanted his dad. He wanted to be back on their ship and to be collecting the ice crystals of Kerberos like they were supposed to be. He’d even rather be still dancing around his feelings for his best friend if it meant they were all home and safe.

“I mean it Matt. I’m here, with you. I don’t, I don’t want you to think that this was just because we got captured, or because things aren’t looking so great. We are going to get out of this. We will be okay and we will do it together. I’ll get you out of this. I promise Matt.”  Shiro’s voice never rose above a gentle whisper. A soothing hum in Matt’s ear as Shiro’s right hand traced patterns  down Matt’s spine. Matt tried so hard not to tear up again. “I promise Matt, I’ll save you. Every time. I’ll get you home. I’ll keep you safe.”

Matt wasn’t sure what to say anymore. If he should say anything. It didn’t really feel like their odds of surviving this nightmare, let alone escaping it were really that great. Not impossible, but not in the favor. But this was Shiro. If Shiro needed to believe they could do it, maybe he could let him believe. Maybe believing, hoping, is better than assuming the worst. Matt let the silence ring out another second before he answered.

“I know Shiro.  You’ve already saved me from myself today, and given the best security blanket I could have asked for.” Matt snuggled tighter into Shiro with his words but didn’t lift his head off his chest. “I have total confidence you’ll find a way out. I have total confidence in you.”

***

+1

Shiro’s been a Paladin of Voltron for some time now. In that time he’s seen his fair share of things, been plenty of places. Before that he was a prisoner of Zarkon and the galra. The Champion. A title he earned protecting someone he cared about more than most people know. It’s not a time he remembers much of, and most of his memories of his time with the galra he does not look back on fondly.

Shiro thought being a Paladin of Voltron was a tiring job, a burden, a heap of responsibility piled on too much pain and PTSD and there were so many days he wished he could just go back to Earth before it all started.

After everything Shiro and his friends went through to defeat Zarkon, Shiro feels lost now. He stayed because it was the right thing to do. The only thing he could do. to protect the people he cared about back home, to have any hope of freeing the ones he left behind. Shiro only stayed because he knew it was his only chance, despite the constant feeling of being kicked in the stomach.

But after the last battle with Zarkon, after being ejected from the Black Lion and sent to a desolate planet on the other side of the galaxy via the astral plane with no way to contact his team and no way to know if they’re safe, with no one to protect but himself, left alone with his thoughts, Shiro had a harder time regrouping than he thought he should have.

Lucky for Shiro, that desolate little planet wasn’t desolate and abandoned for very long. While Shiro worked on his basic survival skills, smoke signals, scavenging, for eating, and hunting around the new terrain, a small B-Class rebel ship landed not far from Shiro’s original landing site. This planet was full of islands sprouting blue and purple fauna surrounded by vast glistening orange oceans. It was an abandoned, remote little barely-a-planet-planet, unconquered by Zarkon, and a perfect rebel training ground.

Of course. It took Shiro and the rebels about three days of accidentally crossing paths before they actually caught wind of one another, thanks to similar training. After all, rule number seven of Galaxy Garrison unidentified terrain landing code states that you should never make camp in the same place for more than one night to avoid hostile animals or locals that may be tracking you.

It was the hair standing up on the back of Shiro’s neck that alerted him to the presence of another living being nearby. Then the sound of footfalls too big to be one of the small creatures he’d seen running through the blue patches of forest in this area. His “camp” isn’t that far from here. But Shiro’s been careful. And he’s checked this island again and again. Though it’s relatively big, he’s pretty sure he would have noticed a settlement.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He tried first before slowly turning around to face the stranger, hoping that sound of his voice and the fact that he was unarmed would appease them.  (Technically Shiro was never unarmed as long as he had his Galra prosthetic but this stranger didn’t need to know that)

“Who are you? Why have you come here? How did you find us?” The alien was a light blue four eyes splashed across his face and he had six arms, four of which were holding weapons aimed at Shiro.

“My name is Shiro. I’m a Paladin of Voltron. I was stranded here during a fight against Zarkon and I’ve lost communication with my crew. I’ve been stranded here for, well at a week I think.. I’ve lost track of time I guess. It’s been at least 5 sunsets though.”

“Five sunsets?”

“Yeah. I didn’t know how to keep track at first because I kept moving my camp, but then I decided to use these leaves up here where I come to collect berries see? I lay one out every day when the sun sets. You can see the difference in color as they grow older with time. These rocks keep them in place. Nota bullet journal but it'll do.” Shiro tried for calm, appeasing. The kind of charming, win ‘em over smile that the bigwigs at the garrison used to eat right up and got him elected as pilot for the Kerberos mission at such a young age. Reassuring that he wasn’t a threat.

Whatever Shiro said or did it seemed to have the right effect on the alien because he softened just a tad and lowered his weapons, stopping to put all but one of them away into the pockets of his space suit and coat.

“We’ve been here for three sunsets” he said without making further eye contact with Shiro.

“We? There are more of you? How did you get here? And uh, where exactly is here? I kind of got sent here and i’m not entirely sure where that is or why but I need to get back to my crew as soon as possible. Or at least make contact with them. Do you have a ship with you?”

“Paladin of Voltron.  I have heard of you. Big giant robot cats. Yes?”

“Yeah, something like that”

“And you say you fight Zarkon”

“We were in a fight with him when I got stranded here, a pretty serious one. We were winning, I think. He was seriously damaged anyways. I’m sorry, you didn’t actually tell me who you were did you? You said you weren’t alone here? Are you refuges?”

“In a way. Come with me. I’ll show you.”

The blue alien took Shiro back down a path and out of the darkest blue section of the forest and out towards the light purple trees and teal flowers that Shiro had made camp in his first night. It was secretly his favorite spot on the island so far because the it reminded him most of the Black Lion.

Hidden amongst the fauna now though was a small fleet of banged up ships, reminiscent of Rolo and Nyma’s vessel. Outside and all around were small fires, hanging clothes, and in the corner was a large area filled with various computers and technology that looked like a small version of Pidge lab. It filled Shiro with a twinge of homesickness and he was all the more glad to see working technology and ships with communicators. Hopefully he would be able to contact the Castle of Lions from one of these.

“Welcome to the Rebellion, Paladin of Voltron.”

Maybe he should hold that thought.

“Rebellion? Against Zarkon?”

“That is correct. You did not truly think you were the only ones resisting his reign?” The blue alien spoke with his head held higher and his voice projected in an attempt to draw the other rebels to hear, apparently this was a conversation to be had with everyone.

“Well. No, honestly we hoped to find some form of organized resistance out there. But nobody seemed to know anything about one. The closest we’d come was the Blade of Mamora, fighting within the Galra ranks, but none of the refuges or pirates were able to lead us to any, reliable allies.”

“Unlike the galra, and unlike voltron, we work with those who have been harmed by the galra the most. We come to the aid of those who need it, when the need it, and we do our best to make sure that everyone is trained and ready for that time. We are the voice of those Zarkon has wronged.”

“I think it’s great what you’re doing, I think the more people who stand up to Zarkon’s forces the better. And the better trained you are the better prepared. I’d have to talk to the Princess but I think Voltron would love to form a formal alliance with you.

“Ahh yes your Princess of planet Altea. I suppose we should arrange a meeting between us all to settle things further. There is quite a bit I want to discuss. Those that told us of Voltron’s return should be entering the atmosphere shortly then I think we should be able to reach your Princess. Their ship has the largest frequency booster.”

“Oh, okay. I’ve been here nearly a week, I can wait a few more days. Is there, anything I can do to help in the meantime?”

“How are your combat skills?”

“I hear they’re pretty good.”

“Our training ring is set up over there and some of our newer recruits are still learning the ropes. Ashbet injured both tentacles training with the other instructor and our protocols call for two. You seem a good fit.”

The blue alien, rebel leader, whose name Shiro belatedly realized he never actually got, then walked away leaving Shiro to wander over to the foreboding training ring where 3 rebels were waiting.

“Hi. I’m Shiro. Your instructor was injured in training a little, so he’s going to take it easy today and I’m gonna try to fill in instead? What are your names?”

“I’m Erock, This is Raelle, and Temrance.” They were young. Geeze they were young. Maybe 13?

“Nice to meet you guys. Your, uh, the person who assigned me here said there was another instructor. Do you know where they are?”

“Probably in the lab” Raelle said

“He’s always losing track of when it’s time to start and someone has to go get him.” Temrance agreed

“Oh really. I had a friend like that.  He’d be tinkering away on something and forget about his homework, or that it was time for class, or training, or that we had plans to see a movie. And then he’d jump out of his skin when i’d walk in the door asking where he thought the time went.” Shiro recalled all the times he had to go bug Matt about time management or missed plans, pretending to be upset when really he was all too happy to hear about whatever had piqued Matt’s interest that moment so intensely that he just couldn’t look away.

“The lab is, the big green and purple glowing area over there?” Shiro asked gesturing to the tech area he noticed before that reminded him all too much of something Pidge would cocoon herself in.

Three answering ‘yup’s’ was all the confirmation Shiro needed before he told the kids to stay there and headed over to drag their real teacher to class.

The glow of the lab seemed to be created by a conglomeration of stolen galra technology as well as pieced together alien technology from different species and makes, as best as Shiro could tell. It made for a slightly eerie effect as Shiro approached. Since there wasn’t exactly a door, just a slightly wider space between giant motherboard looking devices, shiro hovered before stepping into the maze of glowing, buzzing technology.

“Hello?”

No answer. But this workshop wrapped around the ship and to the back, twisting in circles, with small little clusters of different half finished projects set up scattered around. Shiro thought someone very smart obviously spent a lot of time here. Pidge would love to get her hands on this place. Maybe once the he establishes communication with the castle, he can talk to the guy about working with Pidge on something.

Shiro abandons his path for a moment where he was making his way around the back of the ship. It’s gotten harder and harder to hear anything that was going on out front and he thinks that it’s no wonder the guy loses so much time back here.

Shiro reaches down to one of the piles of abandoned projects and picks something up. It looks kind of like something Hunk and Pidge had played around with back at the castle on their earlier weeks. Something about messing with polarity of molecules and the rotational pull of something or other. Shiro’s attention was kind of split between what they were saying, Lance and Keith arguing over… Shiro doesn’t actually remember what it was at that moment actually. It was one of those early days before they’d all really learned to work as a team and Lance was still intent on pulling Keith’s pigtails left and right.

Shiro does remember how the device looked finished though. All lit up and floating in mid air with gentle vibrations that pulsed through it. But this one seem lifeless. Abandoned and missing more than a few wires. Shiro isn’t sure if it’s mechanic simply grew bored,, didn’t know how to finish, or just didn’t have the parts. Or maybe they didn’t have the need for it any longer. Come to think of it, Shiro isn’t actually sure what the need for the device is. He can’t remember a time anyone on team Voltron has ever used it.

Shiro was just about to put the device back. He was putting it back and getting up to continue his search. At least. That was his intention. But he was a little lost in thought because before he could move there was a staff casing him and something cold and hard at his back.

“So you’re this legendary Paladin I hear so much about. I think Nyma exaggerated. You’re not that tall.” The rebel spoke. Shiro assumed this was the teacher he was sent to find, the mechanic engineer who built of this and then taught kids how to fight so fiercely he injured the other instructor. Warning bells started to flash in Shiro’s mind telling him he needed to be careful, that angering this guy wasn’t his best idea. But he already seemed to have a not great first impression of Shiro, and how could he not if that space pirate. Nyma had been filling their heads with stories of Voltron - and wasn’t that a whole other headache to consider when he got out of this particular predicament, Nyla and Rolo in the resistance?

“It helps if I stand up.” Shiro tried for smooth, unassuming but following this guy's tone. Hoping he could bring the conversation into something more peaceful. If he could just, turn around, get a good look at the guy, eye contact could be crucial in negotiations like these. But the pain in his back just dug in deeper.

“I might have considered that if I hadn’t caught our new guest, someone nobody told me about by the way, sneaking around my lab trying to steal my stuff. Those projects are top secret and I don’t need you poking around my breakthrough pile when i’m so close.”

Breakthrough pile. So he hadn’t figured out how it worked yet. Maybe Shiro could work with that.

“Look, I think we have a giant misunderstanding. Just, can I just explain? Please?”

The guy was silent for a minute but he pulled away from Shiro and dropped all contact. The pressure against his back and the staff caging him against the makeshift glowing walls were gone, but as soon as Shiro went to turn around there was a sharp bark.

“Don’t make any sudden moves! I’ve heard tales of the Black Paladin, I know your battle trained. No funny business. Just, explain.”

“Your leader, I didn’t get his name, I asked him what I could do to help until another ship comes in and I can contact my crew. He said you needed another hand in the training arena, and the kids said that you sometime lose track of time in here.” Shiro started to trail off, hoping the rebel would start to put the pieces together himself.

“If you came to get me, why were you snooping through my stuff?”  He challenged. He wasn’t going to make this easy on Shiro.

“I noticed this device.” Shiro pointed to the uncompleted cube. “My crew built one just like it. Your lab actually reminded me a lot of someone on my team, and I was just thinking how much she’d probably love to talk to you if we’re able to forge an alliance. Pidge is always looking for other people who speak tech as fluently as she does.”

“Hmm.” The rebel made a noise of consideration that made Shiro had to wonder if it was just for show. “Alright. I’ll trust you. I mean, if you were able to turn Rolo and Nyma straight-laced how bad could you be?” The rebel put his hand on Shiro’s elbow to help him up, his flesh and blood one, and lifted Shiro to his feet.

“Probably time for proper introductions. I’m the crews engineer and I train the newbies. I get to play with all the alien tech too because I can usually find some use for it. My name’s Ma-Shiro!” He was dusting Shiro off and turning him around as he spoke but most of the words went right over Shiro’s head once he laid eyes on the man.

The first thing Shiro noticed was his eyes. He could see them plain and simple. There were no glasses obstructing his view. Just a straight view of those big, beautiful chestnut eyes staring back at him. Then the hair. It was longer. Weighed down. And hanging all around him. Was he taller? He looked taller. He was wearing a special sort of space suit not unlike many of the rebels, designed to blend in with the colors of the planet, but his once slim and lanky body that was more adept to a lab than the harsh realities of space was trimmed with lean muscle peaking through his suit.

All in all, Shiro couldn’t tell if he had hit his head while foresting and hallucinated the rebel camp and was now picturing his greatest wish, a healthy, thriving Matt Holt. Free of galra clutches and an arms length away. That surely was the only explanation for the ghost he’s seeing.

Neither of them knew what to say. Matt was giving Shiro his own once over, small traces of suspicion still lingered, but mostly wonder, curiosity, and unconcealed longing was left. Shiro didn’t even know how this was possible. He himself only escaped galra clutches with help from the inside.

Shiro realized he hadn’t actually said anything. He’d just been taking it all in. He supposed that if this was a dream he was going to take full advantage of it before it turned into a nightmare.

“Ma-Matt?” Suddenly Shiro’s throat was completely parched. He was having trouble swelling, getting the words out.

“Shiro!” Matt launched himself at Shiro. No trace of suspicion left. All of the rebel warrior from moments before gone the second Shiro was wrapped in his arms again. Shiro had never felt so relieved to feel the embrace of another human. He had never needed human contact so desperately. Even after the galra escape, when he found Keith and the others. He had wanted to hug his pseudo-brother, reassure him he was okay. But the feeling of touch, of contact meant to comfort and not hurt was foreign now. It would take time for Shiro to to accept more than a pat on the shoulder.

But this hug, it revitalized him. He felt immediately like it was zapping all of the pain and fear and uncertainty out of his very bones in just a few seconds and he was reluctant to ever let go again. When Matt started to pull away Shiro squeezed just a little tighter, which had the added bonus of making Matt laugh; a sound Shiro missed more than he’s ever missed mac n cheese while sitting in front of Coran’s goopiest serving of Food Goo Nutrient Supplement.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Matt pulled Shiro down by the neck just a smidge to whisper into his ear. A small echo ringing in the back of his mind of another time. A dark ship, a broken promise of safety, hushed declarations of feelings in a cramped cell. I’m not going anywhere. Shiro promised not to leave Matt. He promised to save him and he failed. He couldn’t help him. He hurt him The last time he’d seen Matt, he’d attacked him!

“Matt, I’m so, so s-”

“Takashi Shirogane if the next word out of your mouth is sorry i’m going to have no choice but to take you out to that training ring  and kick your butt right here and now in front of everyone!”

“Matt- I thought I’d lost you.” Shiro swallows the words but he has nothing else left to say. He has to make sure Matt understands he hasn’t taken his what’s happened lightly. He may not have remembered it all so clearly at first, but being separated from his crew, his second family, it’s been tearing him apart.

He thinks maybe Matt understands some of what he’s trying to convey. Because Matt just pulls him in tighter for another quick hug.

“It’s a lot harder to get rid of me than that. I wasn’t about to let some measly galra keep me from my hot... defender of the innocent.”

“Speaking of which, how did you… get here?”

“A long story. Short version. The rebels invaded the work camp and freed the prisoners. They relocated most of them to a colony somewhere and others like me signed up to fight.”

“How is that.. possible? How are you, possible? I thought i’d never see you again. It took a fleet of 10,000 year old rebels within Zarkon’s ranks to break me, a single prisoner, out, and Voltron is the universe’s greatest super weapon and we have a hard enough time going up against Zarkon’s forces. How is it physically possible that you’re here, and safe, and fighting, and, and-” Shiro’s eyes were raking up and down Matt’s body now. Taking in his altered appearance. Taking in the fact that he was here. Physically with him and not a phantom or a trick like so many times before.

“And hot?”

“Huh”

“I see you checking me out. Don’t worry Shiro, it’s okay if you like this new bod a little better. I am kind of jacked now huh?” Matt gave him a blinding smile. Here, hidden away amongst Matt’s glowing tech maze, the two of them had complete privacy, they world narrowed that smile and that carefree attitude that seemed just so at home on his face even in the middle of this war.

“You were always gorgeous. But i’ll admit the look suits you. You could get any guy you wanted.”

“But I want you. I chose you.” Matt said with all the honesty in the world in those four little words. Shiro answered him with a soft smile.

“Would you choose ice cream over me?”

“Nope. I’d rather have you.”

“What about the laws of physics?”

“I’d never choose the laws of physics over you!”

“Hmmm.. what about Katie.. I know you’d choose Katie over me.”

“Well that’s just not fair. Because you’re here and she’s all the way back home. Stuck on earth. Alone with mom. And Gunder. Probably devastated with no idea i’m even alive. I think I have to give this one to Katie. Just out of respect and sibling decency.”

“Makes sense. Except.. there’s a flaw in your logic.”

“What! What flaw?”

“Well would you still choose Katie over me if I told you that Katie might not actually be on Earth but instead was on the Castle of Lions and is actually the Green Paladin?”

“Are you telling me you’ve been letting my sister fight in a space war against Zarkon for months?”

“Let is a.. strong word. She signed up for the garrison under a false name, joined voltron as a boy, I didn’t even realize who she was until we were aboard the ship we got captured in looking for the Red Lion and she split to go find you and Sam.”

Matt was looking a little green himself all through this story. “Alright. It’s time to do something. No more sitting around. This reunion has been nice but it’s time to get you back to your castle. And get my sister back.”

“I thought we had to wait for Nyma and Rolo? Something about their ship having special boosters?”

“Their ship does have the best frequency boosters on the fleet. But i’m the one who built them. Look around. If there’s anything that can get in touch with your 10,000 year old ship, it’s in here. We’re getting you home, and then i’m going to kiss the hell out of you!”

Shiro didn’t think he could smile any bigger if he tried. He had Matt back. He found him. Or actually, Matt found him. Matt was getting him home safely, back to his family, their family. And everything was going to be okay, as long as they found each other in the end.

[theworstbob]

the thing journal, 5.7.2017 - 5.13.2017

capsule reviews of the cultural things i took in last week. in this post: manchester by the sea, 2.0, old baby, no burden, we cool?, the far field, after laughter, stories we tell, brooklyn nine nine s2, hopeless romantic

1) Manchester by the Sea, dir. Kenneth Lonergan: So in one of the first couple Thing Journals, I gave a glowing review to PWR BTTM. I won't say something stupid like "I wish I could take them back," because I can't take back how I related to something at the time, but I do love it less than I did even just last week. So now I have to ask myself why I'm okay disowning PWR BTTM, but I still made time to watch and think about this movie. Casey Affleck isn't the whole movie, of course, there's several minutes' worth of credits showing that this movie is more than just one person's contributions, but he's the main part of it, this movie is about his character, this movie is about a dude who did something horrible and has to face up to the consequences, and Casey Affleck, who did something horrible and had to settle a case out of court, is playing that dude. It's a film about redemption, and everything about it (save the score, which, you're gonna make a film about lower-middle-class Boston and set it to opera? why...y?) is masterfully done, the teen boy isn't a whiny puke he's a person that does shitty teenager things and never has illegitimate angtsy feelings, the way people react to the Casey Affleck character coming into town is perfect, I would say this film is worth pushing past any discomfort one might have with the lead actor. It asks questions that one can argue require casting someone with a checkered past, namely, how do you decide when a person who did something awful deserves redemption? But: there are women who are permanently scarred by what Casey Affleck did to them, and if you can't push through that to see an A- film, that's a choice I can agree with. Art should be difficult, but everyone has limits, and all limits are valid.

2) 2.0, by Big Data: Well now that THAT'S out of the way, hey, this was just nice and good! This was a fun indie/electronic album with which I spent 40 minutes on a nice Sunday! I don't have much else to say, I don't do a lot of indie/electronic so I don't have a lot to compare it to, and it's just shallow enough that even when listening to it I couldn't come up with a lot in my mind other than "this is nice! this is also nice! just so many nice songs!" Which brings to mind one of the flaws of Thing Journal, which is that I'm turning each experience into a sort of solo thing, when I probably should be discussing the things I take in with other people so that I can develop more informed and better-rounded opinions on the things I enjoy, rather than bandying my opinions about in my own mind and growing all the more self-involved. So hey if anyone else wants to discuss a two-year-old indie/electronic album I've already forgotten, HIT ME THE HELL UP.

3) Old Baby, by Maria Bamford: If there's even a list of comics better than Maria Bamford going right now, it's probably a pretty short list. It's the same material as 20%, which means we get the joke about Maria Bamford telling her husand he CAN swim great distances if he really wants to, but I love the spin on the traditional stand-up setting: I think anyone coming to a Maria Bamford special understands what stand-up looks like, so this special devotes itself to the process, testing out jokes in front of smaller audiences or even just yourself, seeing how people react up close before you put them on a stage where you can't so easily gauge how an audience responds to them. It's just a treat. Maria Bamford's just a treat.

4) No Burden, by Lucy Dacus: It's funny how we come to albums sometimes, right? This came to me via Julien Baker's Twitter, via Dan Campbell's Twitter, via Grantland all those years ago. I really dug this one. I should have either taken more notes or put down these thoughts to WordPad before the day I needed to post a Thing Journal, HAHAHA REMEMBER HOW I FUCKED UP LAST WEEK WELP DID IT AGAIN Y'ALL, but I'm definitely down with what she's doin'.

5) We Cool? by Jeff Rosenstock: One of my favorite genres of music is "world-weary punk scene veterans who're still making music," and I thought this was a dope enough entry into that genre. I might revisit this, connection issues on the bus ride home meant I had to restart my phone twice while listening to it, but there's a lot I like here, like a less-folky Frank Turner sort of thing. Two sentences, that's enough, right, that's why this dude made an album to score two sentences on some dude's recap of things he barely thought about last week?

6) The Far Field, by Future Islands: I resisted listening to Future Islands for a long time because I wanted their Letterman performance to remain Perfect. I didn't want that thing, which is something I believe in whole-heartedly, to be sullied by knowing that Future Islands as a whole was something I might not be terribly into. But! I need to do 7 things a week, and they dropped a new album not too long ago so AWAY WE GOOOOOOOO I thought it was fine, mostly. I think it's quite obvious that this is a band that makes their trade performing live -- albums at this point are just flyers for live shows, but with this band, and that Letterman performance from several years ago, it truly feels like albums are perfunctory for this band, and what's great about their songs comes out in the live performance. So, hey, maybe one day I'll actually go to a concert? What a weird idea, to actually support artists! Might be fun tho

7) After Laughter, by Paramore: this is such a fucking amazing album about being depressed, about saying "fuck it" and being impatient with optimistic people and not knowing where to go or how to extricate oneself from the darkness. every song on here is amazing, and the new sound is great without being that dramatic a departure for paramore -- it's new, but it's also a logical next step, if you can't be pop/punk forever hey guess what POST/PUNK, and the cheery '80s backdrop is the perfect set for this album about feeling empty and seeing no way out. It's not even an album about a way in; there's never any reason given for being depressed, no one died, nothing was lost, it just happens, which is true to the reality of mental illness. This is a classic, and it's gonna take a hell of a thing to supplant this as 2017's #1 album.

8) Stories We Tell, dir. Sarah Polley: This is a brave piece of art. The effort it must have taken to get all the parties to agree to do this, to tell their story of Sarah Polley's mother and her parentage, is just unfathomable, convincing all these people that the project is a good idea and that there is a clear vision and that their voice is needed to paint the whole picture. And, man, they really nail it -- I love the way everyone's accounts inter-mingled, people contradicting each other, people all agreeing that one person did something and that person saying someone else was responsible, it's all woven together to create something beautiful. One of the best moments in this film is maybe one of my favorite moments in any film, something that made me sit up and say "Oh, fuck yeah" to this documentary on my laptop, when one of the storytellers rails against the very idea of this movie by stating exactly why this film needed to exist, it was this beautiful, Real moment. The more i think about this, the more I find I really dug it.

9) Brooklyn Nine-Nine s2, cr. Michael Schur & Dan Goor: This made a leap, yep. I thought the Peralta/Santiago romance worked a lot better this season, mostly because they accentuated Santiago's teacher's pet/hall monitor tendencies -- they took steps to paint Santiago as someone who isn't that much more mature than Peralta, but without completely tearing her character down, only down enough that it made the romance more believable. Rosa in a relationship was great, giving Andre Braugher an enemy and letting that character seethe with rage was always gold, and the show used guest stars perfectly this season. I love Craig Robinson as a recurring thing, Kyra Sedgwick was outstanding as Wuntch, and I always forget that Eva Longoria's a talented comic actress. It didn’t quite make the leap into greatness; the show thinks that Hitchcock and Scully are funnier than they are (and it’s really hard to derive humor from incompetent white cops in 2017 when the cops that are committing atrocities are the Hitchcocks and Scullys of the world; there was a way for them to know this when the show started, if not in a way that was readily apparent, and as time goes on and we learn more, those characters are really tough to accept as harmless boobs), and Joe Lo Truglio sometimes seems like he’s on a different show (he’s great I love him, but even on this show he is way too cartoony, he and Andy Samberg aren’t the chillest comic duo in the world y’know?), but even if it’s not one of The Greats, I don’t think I can point to an episode from this season I would grade lower than a B. Solid stuff.

10) Hopeless Romantic, by Michelle Branch: This is kind of like the Acceptance record from a couple months back: it is lovely to hear seasoned professionals doing the thing they do best. I am unlikely to revisit this, I think I've pretty much nailed down how I feel about this (I feel it is nice and the songs are fine), but the thing Michelle Branch is best at is writing songs, and it was a pretty much okay way to fill a walk on a nice Saturday afternoon.

[son-of-a-duck]

April 12, 2017

So last night I ended up watching the last two episodes, and the half hour special, of 13 Reasons Why.  I was up until 2:45AM and didn't get to sleep for awhile after that because it took some time to turn my mind off.  The show was so good but also incredibly heavy. I liked that they didn't shy away from the rape scene and that they showed the suicide.  It confronted both head-on, showing how terrible and haunting both are.  It was disturbing, unsettling, tragic, and all the other words you can think of to describe things that are just awful.  I cried more than once throughout the last two episodes and the only reason it didn't happen more was because I was putting up a valiant effort to fight it.  

I also really liked that they made the companion episode talking about the show and the real-life aspects of the show.  I really think the show as a whole is a good opportunity to educate people about the consequences of their actions, no matter how trivial they perceive them to be.  And that everyone is a complex human being, just trying to figure life out, and that they deserve love and respect.  To paraphrase the show a bit, everyone has their own truth, how they perceive the world around them and the people they interact with. Sometimes it is hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes and see their truth because it's so different than your own, but that doesn't make it any less valid.  We're all worthwhile in our own way, and some people need a little more help accepting their own worth.

Due to my late night, I was yawning throughout the day.  It was worth it but I did occasionally zone out and get lost in thought about the show.

I didn't take notes about my day so I'll probably forget things but it was pretty uneventful.  I agreed to talk about verbal abuse and profanity at the next all-staff meeting.  I started talking to my boss and another librarian about it and it looks like now I'm also going to try and include hate speech, which I'm supposed to write up something for so it can maybe be added to our policies.  A lot of my free time for the rest of the day was spent learning more about hate speech.

I read articles online and pulled a few books we have on.  It is interesting, and way more complex than I thought it would be.  A lot of things are covered by free speech but I think there are nine things that aren't.  It seems like as long as you can frame the speech within the context of those things, then people can get in trouble for it.  But if you frame it incorrectly, people can get away with being a horrible person.  I also learned that because our laws are based on the Constitution and all these legal precedents, it is much harder for people to get in trouble for being assholes online. Other countries have very specific laws against hate speech, but we're still trying to figure out how to align it with our past laws. Very tricky stuff.

I volunteered to take over the summer reading program with the librarian who is currently doing it for our department leaves next month.  I'm hoping it is not too involved because she's already done the hard work, but we'll see.  I have to learn the new software we are using for it this year, which shouldn't be too bad.  I helped out a little bit today trying to come up with prize ideas.  The site the librarian was looking at was pretty “expensive”, relative to our budget at least.  I suggested the Oriental Trading Company and getting someone a little more fun because adults like fun things, too.  You don't need to be a kid.  We found foam fingers, like the big ones they have a sporting events, but they are tiny.  Instead of putting your hand in it, you just put your finger in it.  I think it's pretty great and I would definitely because encouraged to participate so I could get one.

It kind of feels like that is all I did today.  I was on desk for awhile, helped patrons, talked about the two different blueprint ideas for remodeling the library with my coworkers, did walkthroughs, pulled DVDs for my display, and restocked tax stuff.  All the daily stuff was still present.  This afternoon we had our department meeting and that went well.  Same old stuff really.

Eventually the workday was over and I went to pick up Chipotle.  I circled around the block twice and then took a much longer loop to kill some time before I was able to find a spot.  And then I stood in line for a long time so I could get my underwhelming food and head to my Mom's house.  I only had a couple videos to show but my Mom had one to throw in the mix, so it wasn't a total loss.  

After dinner we sat around and talked until around nine o'clock when I called it a night so I could run to Target to get a few things. And then I came home.

In the middle of the night last night my computer updated itself. This morning I had a window for EaseUS Todo Backup on my screen.  My mouse felt like it was moving through molasses, which didn't really matter because none of the buttons I clicked on actually worked.  I tried restarting the computer but that didn't work either.  Tonight I tried booting in Safe Mode but that also didn't work.  I ended up emailing their Support so hopefully they get back to me soon.  The most annoying thing is I don't think I've ever even heard of EaseUS Todo Backup and now it is locking me out of my computer.  Thankfully I have my laptop but this is still really frustrating.  And I'm not sure how my audio journal is going to work out.  Or at least the video portion of it.  We'll see.

I'm going to try messing with my audio journal now and then go to bed because I'm freaking tired.