#my longest tag is about translation issues how telling

[apenapaperandadoofus]

Ok full update of my mom (and I’m adding my dog cuz she’s been joining us from the start) reading tgcf (part five I think???)

Showed her the audio drama scenes of Hua Cheng and we both sobbed lmao.

SHE CALLED THE RED BEAD??? Like she called Hua Cheng had it. I managed to try and distract her from it cuz she be guessing to many things right lmaoo

She LOVES Juan. Like she’s his number 1 protector now.

But then made a joke that almost made me cry bc Xie Lian accidentally throws Soldier!HC out a wall and my mom just went “he says ‘live for me’ and then immediately kills him” and then made a splat sound and I died 😭

She also called that he’s the number one believer in a way- (idrc if banished gods need believers) but she said the reason XieXie hasn’t faded is bc of Juan (at first she thought it was bc of the kneeling statues)

Also the translation kept calling him little soldier (I forgot it in the eng one it does) but it sounds so adorable in Spanish we both aww collectively each time he pops up.

I can see her opinion of Mu Qing changing and I’m sobbing internally. I wonder what she will think about the 33 Officials scene. She thinks he’s jealous, but feels bad because of his situation (which yeah but I mean he’s a kid with self esteem issues, ofc he’s gonna be, although I don’t think it’s jealousy it’s more of an inferiority complex) I also think it’s interesting how, if you don’t have the full picture, MQs lines can seem antagonistic- but re reading them you can see not only he cares about XLs well-being actually, but he’s being realistic in the situation, just being a bit too blunt.

She also thinks he’s the spy.

And was mad he kicked Juan out of the army!

Was so sad about the whole Yong’an thing. Especially about LYs kid and the three people that fell from the wall. Meanwhile I was like 🥲😀

Also was flabbergasted with White clothed calamity. I played her his first appearance in the audio drama because its SO well done and you get chills.

She thinks the white clothed calamity are the parents of the child that died. I’ve explained how it works since it’s an overview on the first book but I think she forgot. It’s fun to see her suspicions though, because I got spoiled into it like 6 books in, which tbh, ruined the experience so much. Like I did not expect the plot twist (sleep deprived leave me alone) but I know I would have been screaming to the heavens and back when I found out. Instead the reveal was “ah so I did get spoiled” (people should put spoiler tags on skits and make them visible istg 😭💀)

I KNOW she is gonna scream in indignation tho lmao

Keep in mind I was reading this aloud to her while she knit and then we made it to: Land of the Tender. Let me tell you it wasn’t fun lmaoooo (actually it was we kept making jokes, but it was embarrassing I DIDNT REMEMBER IT BEING SO EMBARRASSING AND EXPLICIT THAT HUA CHENG PINCHED A NIPPLE HELLO LIKE I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPLIED NOT FULL ON SAID 😭?)

Im not hearing that part in the AD with her once we watch it the VA is WAY too sexy for someone to hear it with their parents lmao

She also thinks Hua Cheng killed the white clothed calamity and that’s how he became a ghost- protecting XL, and then Wuwu took the credit. Not too far off the mark tbh. Still thinks Wuwu goes out to party in Juan’s city tho lmao

Thinks people that are affected the most by human face disease are the ones that worshipped XL the longest

We’ve been reading for like 4 hours? And are almost 200 pages into book 3. I can’t wait for us to make it to black water arc because she loves SQX and I know she’s gonna be heartbroken and curse me out lmaoooo

Part 4

[suitsusboth]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

Tagged by @harnitbee 💜💜💜

1- How many works do you have on AO3?

currently six!

2- What's your total AO3 word count?

314,403 which is wild since i’ve only been doing this about a year and a half? i don’t think i wrote that much in college????

3- What fandoms do you write for?

Bridgerton 🐝 I’ve thought about writing for other fandoms in the past but nothing quite got a grip on me like Anthony and Kate 😌

4- What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. love came back to me (still stunned at the reception of this fic)

2. just go with it (my fun little one shot)

3. where the love light gleams (my baby 🩵)

4. can’t two people reconnect (basically an exercise in writing smut)

5. if only in my dreams (🥹 wholesome epilogue/christmas fic to where the love light gleams)

5- Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do for the most part, mostly because i appreciate the time people take to write them as usually they’re very encouraging and i love to answer questions or clarify things if needed. anyone who’s commented on a fic of mine ilysm 🥹💜

6- What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i dont think i’ve got a fic with an angsty ending, i love a good old happily ever after, buuuut i’d say love came back to me was the angstiest fic over all (lmk if you disagree!)

7- What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

mmmm a tough one because i end them all happily, but i think if only in my dreams and just go with it are the happiest over all

8- Do you get hate on fics?

luckily not really just the occasional odd comment that kinda leaves me scratching my head

9- Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes, well, trying to 😅  

10- Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

nah

11- Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of??

12- Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that I am aware of!

13- Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, but i think it would be fun… i’m just slow at writing so I don’t know if that would pose an issue

14- What's your all-time favourite ship?

Kanthony, forever and always baaaaaby 💜 the power they have over me is insane 😌

15- What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

the elopement au 🤪

16- What are your writing strengths?

ermm i’d say i don’t really have strengths it’s mostly a hot mess but maybe dialogue?? 😅

17- What are your writing weaknesses?

oh man…. my editor/beta reader will tell you spelling and grammar for SURE but probably also staying focused and motivated as well. if i’m tired of writing i think i don’t do the best i can so sections can suffer and then i’m too lazy to go back and fix it

18- Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

physically impossible for me as i have little to no other language skills (if you can you’re incredible!) i added some french to lcbtm but that was all google translate lol

19- First fandom you wrote for?

bridgerton 😉

20- Favorite fic you've written?

i can’t chose they’re all my babies 🥹

love came back to me i’m the proudest of because it’s my first fic i published and the longest and even though i took breaks i kept at it

where the love light gleams just holds a special part of my heart i love that cozy universe

just go with it was definitely the easiest and funnest to write though. i’m proud of the banter in that one tbh.

[teddybasmanov]

I posted 2,534 times in 2021

572 posts created (23%)

1962 posts reblogged (77%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 3.4 posts.

I added 2,731 tags in 2021

#redacted asmr - 1181 posts

#fanart - 409 posts

#headcanons - 315 posts

#and the post with transfers flies from the mainland - 302 posts

#fanfiction - 140 posts

#fanfic - 100 posts

#cryptixmoth - 81 posts

#mothcat - 80 posts

#trolleybuses are driving with position lights off - 62 posts

#redacted ocs - 61 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#technically there is like an opposite of a phrase there's more fish in the sea but it sounds like white light has come down on you or someth

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Basically me, opening Tumblr this morning.

56 notes • Posted 2021-07-11 09:25:44 GMT

#4

I̵̢̙̙̔̔ s̴͙͍̓͌͜͝e̴͓͖͔̓͝e̵͓̞̠͐̚͝ y̸͚͚̙̓͘o̸̞̙̘͐͐͠u̴̪͋͒͜ t̴̢͍̙̐̔̚o̸͔͓͊͊̕o̵̼͕͙̽͝,̸̢̢͖̈́̚ a̵͓̟͕͐͑s̴̡̡̞̈́̐͛s̴̡̼̘͊͘͝h̴͙͕̙͒o̵̙̞̺̐͆l̸̡̘̻̓͌̿e̴͕̟̟͑̿͝

By @kroconails.

62 notes • Posted 2021-10-09 16:21:01 GMT

#3

It was the high point of the whole video for me.

67 notes • Posted 2021-12-04 23:16:29 GMT

#2

Since “Redacted ASMR as vines” already exists. 

And so does “Redacted ASMR as my favourite TV show and movie scenes” (not necessarily My favourite, but still funny and already has two parts one and two)

And I’m too lazy to actually write something (even though I have a fairly solid idea for my next pseudo-scientific ramble, don’t even hope I'd forget – it’s coming anyway) and I have absolutely no idea how to make anything in video format, I’m going to write a little incomprehensible list of

Redacted ASMR as my favourite musical theatre moments:

(keep in mind that I’m trying to be funny)

Freelancer and Gavin in the beginning – “The Thrill of First Love” from “Falsettos” with Freelancer as Marvin and Gavin as Wheezer.

Freelancer and Gavin now – “What More Can I Say?” from “Falsettos” honestly not sure who’s who and I’ve already mentioned it everywhere a million times.

Gavin talking about self-acceptance – “I Am What I Am” from “La Cage aux Folles” with the dancers from the beginning being other incubi.

Gavin comforting the Freelancer – “Everything’s Alright” from “Jesus Christ Superstar” with Gavin as Mary and Freelancer as Jesus (obviously, and then we’ll just throw Judas out of the window).

Damien – “There’s a million things I haven’t done But just you wait, just you wait…” from “Alexander Hamilton” from “Hamilton”.

Damien’s confession – “Let this moment be the first chapter: Where you decide to stay” (and what’s around this specific quote) from “That Would Be Enough” from “Hamilton” with Freelancer as Eliza (did I say I’m going to try to be funny? Screw that, I’m going to make you all cry starting with myself).

Lasko’s confession – “Only Us” from “Dear Evan Hansen” with Freelancer as Zoe and Lasko as Evan (honestly, I can very well see Huxley, Damien and maybe even Gavin as Evan too. Maybe I’m going to write a songfic based on this song.)

Lasko’s alleged gayness – “There! Right There!” from “Legally Blonde” with Lasko as Nikos and everyone else as everyone else (if we want to be super specific, “Depending on the time of day The French go either way” line would fit Gavin pretty well). (Honestly, I get that “Ha-ha, bottom” jokes are funny and all, but they make me feel weird… Especially in a context of a character who’s supposed to be in a relationship with a Gender-Neutral listener. And because I have the smallest suspicion that these are mostly girls who make those jokes.)

Caelum – “My Favourite Things” from “The Sound of Music” (this is as literal as can be).

Avior – “Every Day a Little Death” from “The Count of Monte Cristo” (I wasn’t joking about making us all cry).

Elliot and Sunshine – “Once Upon a Dream” from “Sleeping Beauty” (I bet it’s like the second most popular joke, right after “the man of your dreams”).

David and Angel – “Believe” from “The Scarlet Pimpernel” (they give me the most “married couple” vibes for obvious reasons, so I’m going to be basic).

The invisible yandere – “Meant to Be Yours” from “Heathers” specifically ��You were meant to be mine!” and “I can set you free!” (I’m sorry).

The listeners (viewers?) all the time – “So many men, so little time I want them all, is that a crime? [MEN] No!” from “Bring on the Men” from “Jekyll and Hyde”.

The listeners on the eve of a new audio (especially an NSFW one) – “Tomorrow” from “Annie” or “Tomorrow Night” from “Yentl” (because I’m indecisive and I like “Yentl” more).

The viewers whenever a new character appears – “Ten Minutes” from “Cinderella”.

I thought about putting “Totale Finsternis” (“Total Eclipse”) from “Tanz der Vampire” (“Dance of the Vampires”) for Vincent and Lovely as they were at the very beginning but that felt a little… on the nose.

Also, if keep worsening with Freddy we can get to the level of the angst of “I Know Those Eyes/This Man is Dead” from “The Count of Monte Cristo” but I hope we won’t.

I even made a YouTube playlist for this. 

Commentaries and additions are as always welcome.

69 notes • Posted 2021-06-15 13:37:14 GMT

#1

Hi there, Redacted ASMR Tumblr. No, wrong. Hi there, three and a half people, who actually read my gibberish. Yeah, that seems about right.

So, I’ve already mentioned it somewhere but I misunderstood an answer about characters’ names from the first Q&A and found out the meanings of names of all characters. I know for sure now, that most of those meanings are well... meaningless because I directly asked and got my answer in the second Q&A, but I still have this list and I thought that maybe there are more people out there willing to look for deeper meaning, where there’s none. 

So, I present to you:

List of meanings of names of Redacted ASMR characters (with my silly commentaries)

(Most of the meanings are from Wikipedia and has actual sources and explanations, but some are just from websites for future parents and have no factual support. If a demonic name is a star I also give the name of the constellation. In no particular order.)

Vincent - conquering, winning.

Adam - the ground or earth.

Ivan - God is gracious. (ironic, huh)

Oliver - olive tree planter, all true.

David - Beloved. (he sure is)

Marcus - dedicated to Mars.

Brachium - the upper arm (also measure of length); σ Librae - scales or balance. (this actually has a meaning and I don’t mean the arm)

Caelum - chisel; sky, heaven. (but Elliot has already told us)

Elliott - with Strength and Right, Bravely and Truly.

Gavin - God send or white hawk. (GOD SEND)

Vindemiator/trix - grape-harvester/ress; ε Virginis - virgin. (this is Gavin’s dead name and it’s also kind of ironic)

Asher - happy or blessed. (self-explainatory)

Lasko - nickname for a work-weary person. (yes, I’m aware of the fan)

Damien - to conquer, master, overcome, tame. (this one makes so much sense!)

Kody - helpful, prosperous. (helpful, my ass)

Huxley - Hugh's meadow. (sweet, but has the least sources)

Milo - soldier or merciful.

Avior - my father is light; ε Carinae - the hull or keel of a ship.

Vega - the falling (eagle). (more like “fallen” now)

Camelopardalis - giraffe.

Sam - God has heard.

Frederick - peaceful ruler.

William - vehement protector.

Aaron - warrior lion, mountain of strength.

Blake - black/dark, pale or "Son of lake".

Brian - high or noble. (when I said “all characters”, I meant all characters)

Crux - (Southern) Cross, also means the decisive or most important point at issue. 

James - supplanter (someone or something taking the place of another, as through force, scheming, strategy, or the like), one who follows. (holly hell)

Gabe (Gabriel) - God is my strength.

Christian - follower of Christ.

Arden - great forest or enthusiastic.

Kelsey - ship's island or victory ship.

Amanda - beautiful, deserving to be loved or the loved one. (very true)

Alexis - helper or defender.

Quinn - wise or counsel. (almost no evidence)

Saul - ask, question.

Morgan - sea chief or famous magic. (sounds so cool, honestly)

Tyler - maker or layer of tiles, house builder or doorkeeper of inn or tavern. (this seems specific).

Xavier - new house or castle. (He’s just messing with us at this point, isn’t he? The dude who’s only characteristic at the time was having a cool big new house has a name that means new house)

Ezekiel - God's Strength.

Josh(ua) - the lord is salvation.

Guy - Ravine or forest, guide.

Hudson - son of Hugh.

Marie - bitter or beloved or rebelliousness or wished-for child or drop of the sea. (yeah, there’s a lot)

Colm - dove.

All possible additions, corrections and smarter commentaries are very welcome as always.

84 notes • Posted 2021-05-25 15:12:12 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[blakbonnet]

I was tagged by Jams @not-nervous-jester to share my writing process so here you go, I'm sorry but this will get a bit long and it'll not be proofread cause life's too short (and my laptop has 4% battery left) 🙃

Do you write in order?

Yes and No. I start off any writing project (whether it be fanfic or work) with a detailed outline of the major plot points. I do the endings first more often than not when I'm planning a fic, then the middle, and finally, once those are out of the way, then I'll tackle the beginning kinda.

Because I write like a person possessed, the beginnings sort of just happen on their own but I need a guideline for hitting the major points or it will be all out of whack.

How fully formed does your writing come out the first try?

About 100%. Because I am so incredibly stupid and anal about this stuff, my first try is essentially a weighty tome of garbage. You can only throw out the garbage once I'm done, you can't add more to it. I guess this analogy doesn't work but it works in terms of the ✨ vibe ✨ I'm trying to create, stay with me people!

How many drafts do you go through?

Just one actually. If there is stuff in the first draft that I am not okay with, I will stop writing and simply leave it for a week or a month until I feel like picking it up again later 😐 The only time I actually create a new draft is when parts of the original are unreadable. Actually I'm lying, I just add stuff to the first draft while whistling and being inconspicuous.

Tell me about your process.

First comes the playlist. It HAS to start with a playlist. Every project has a separate playlist. Songs can be repeated, playlists cannot be the same though. It's a thing, and if I don't do it, it'll be a whole separate thing tbh.

The playlist has to be instrumental, it has to be mainly cellos and violins for the meatier scenes, piano is okay for the fluffy non-plot filler bits that I'm writing for my own entertainment. There can be no words or bits of the fic will turn into a Metallica song, I'll be sued, I'll lose everything and most importantly, the fic would never be finished.

Next comes the poetry, stuff that is actually inspiring the work and pushing it forward. That usually goes in tumblr drafts so it's easier for me to access from my phone. This is usually screenshots from e-books or actual pictures from physical books.

Because I do a fairly detailed outline beforehand, I usually start writing the beginning because that's what I haven't planned out yet and am most excited by. This takes me the longest amount of time and I also do a LOT of rewriting at this stage because personally, as a reader, I do abandon a lot of fics if the beginning isn't doing it for me.

I use google sheets cause I'll sometimes reread my stuff over the phone but I only ever write on the laptop, my phone is mainly for rereading and obsessing.

I also edit as I go along based on feel and make notes where I need to add stuff. If I edit later once I'm done, it usually doesn't come out like I want it to.

Once chapters are done, I copy paste them into Google Translate so I can hear them being read back to me. I catch a record number of missed typos and errors this way. I'm very conscious of the way I write dialogues because I'm so nitpicky when I'm reading other people's dialogues and this also allows me to correct issues with those (the "he would never fucking say it like that" errors)

After the first couple chapters, I'll share the google doc with mutuals and friends (mostly Ara @stedebonnets ) and I don't have a beta reader. Plot points I'll discuss with Josh and Joy 😭 and I don't publish fics on ao3 until the entire thing is written cause I'm a big stinking fic abandoner lmao (smauglock fic from 5 years ago rip 🪦 sorry readers)

This is the writing process that went into Need for Stede ✌️which was incredibly fun to write!

I'd like to tag @wearfinethingsalltoowell @abigailpents @talkstoself @red-sky-in-mourning @ratchet @stedebonnit and anyone else who wants to do this!

[mari--lace]

thank you for the tag @novasforce

Number of stories posted to AO3:

17

2. Word count this year:

38568 (on Ao3. It doesn't account for what I only published on an italian fanfiction site [which doesn't have a word count like Ao3])

3. Fandoms I wrote for:

taking the list from AO3:

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Black Widow

Daredevil (TV)

Harry Potter

Hawkeye (comics/TV)

The Mirror Visitor

Miraculous Ladybug

Moon Knight (TV)

Ms Marvel (comics/TV)

She-Hulk: Attorney at law

Spider-Man (MCU)

The Avengers

4. Pairings:

I mostly wrote gen relationships this year, but here are the pairings:

Matt Murdock/Jennifer Walters

Matt Murdock/Claire Temple

Matt Murdock/Natasha Romanov

Clint Barton/Laura Barton

Michelle Jones/Peter Parker

Draco Malfoy/Luna Lovegood

Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng (MLB)

Adrien Agreste/Marinette Dupain-Cheng (MLB)

5. Stories with the most:

Kudos: What am I looking at, Matt? — published right after She-Hulk ep 8 and the hype for the episode did the rest, my most popular story ever :")

Bookmarks: same as above!

Comment threads: A marvelous october, which has 31 chapters. The fic with more comment threads on a single chapter would be the same as above!

Word count: Same as above with its 31 chapters. As a writer, most of my stories are pretty short; my longest one-chapter story on Ao3 (for 2022 at least) would be Sorelle dal sangue diverso, a one-shot in Italian.

6. Work I'm most proud of (and why):

What's in a soul? I'm really proud of how this turned out. It has Natasha coming back without her memories when Bruce snaps his fingers and it delves on the bond between memoried and identity. Is she still Natasha? Is she not? She meets Matt along the way.

7. Work I'm least proud of (and why): maybe a short hogwarts!au I wrote in italian for a challenge. I'm not super satisfied with the final result (mostly because it doesn't really go anywhere), but it was one of the first things I wrote for the Daredevil fandom, so there's that.

8. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

"oh my goshhhh this is so poetic and beautiful. "Would you like to tell me why?" MY HEART.

Also, Nat saying she “Swapped it for an orange rock.” made me smile. A very Nat thing to say. (And she says she's not still Nat!)"

"oh wow, this is so good, and so poignant? in a way. how you portrayed Nat’s identity issues and struggling to be someone you’re not, someone everyone expects you to be, felt so real. this fic was so lovely. thank you so much for writing! <3"

Both those two comments made me smile so much 🥹

9. A time when writing was really, really hard: Pretty much all the first part of the year, from January to September. I wrote next to nothing then.

10. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you: Maybe that I actually wrote about Clint and Laura. Also Jennifer Walters, I wasn't expecting it but I found writing from her pov pretty easy and kinda fun.

11. A favorite excerpt of your writing: from What's in a soul?:

“I'm the ghost of a sister. I'm the ghost of a friend. I'm the ghost of a killer and a hero.” She pauses. Her heartbeat slows back to its usual steady rhythm. “I'm a shadow who is more comfortable talking and fighting with a vigilante than surrounded by people who say they love her.”

12: How did you grow as a writer this year: I wrote a lot directly in English, which is something I didn't really do before (I've translated a few stories in the past, but translating and writing are pretty different processes).

13. How do you hope to grow next year: I hope to keep writing, first of all, in both English and Italian. I hope to improve and to be able to write meaningful stories.

14. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc): I can't not mention @ceterisparibus116. I read pretty much every Daredevil story on her profile and I fell in love with everything – the themes, the characterizations, the plots. So good aaaaaaaaaaaa

15. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year: there's always something from my experiences in my writing, usually in a not very explicit way, but yeah.

16. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers: Don't write to cater to an audience; write to cater to yourself. If you love what you do, readers can see that love, and they'll believe in it, too. <- I'm keeping @novasforce's advise because it's really good! And I completely agree. Write what you like first and foremost, without worrying about how many people might or might not read and appreciate it.

17. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year: I am working on something for the DDE, so there's that. I'm also joining a challenge to write a story a month according to certain themes, so I hope to be able to fulfill that too (last year I only got 7 months/12).

18. Tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read:

Just, anyone who wants to do this feel free to! Plus @reginadiutopia @drogatadiapifrizzole @folkloristico

[homosociallyyours]

Your last post about the ideal stunt girlfriend! I have some thoughts on this as well. I think first of all as you said the preference is that they just do not exist that is essentially why anything and everything they do seems to be picked apart. I am not sure what it is that someone can do then if their existence is the problem. (This is only in context of the 1D fandom because I have no idea how stunt girlfriend might be treated elsewhere). The blame for the closeting is placed entirely on the shoulders of the stunt girlfriend as if she is the one forcing a closeting whereas we do not know anything going on behind the scenes. (Just want to add that there is nothing wrong with someone choosing to be closeted in order to navigate a homophobic industry and world and to protect oneself.) I know the common story told about larry is that external people are forcing things upon them or are sabotaging them and there may well have been times where they were advised strongly (or manipulated and mistreated when they were younger by those who should have tried to help them in the industry) to stay in the closet but that does not mean that they do not have any agency at all for anything especially not in the present day. Perhaps in an ideal world they may choose to disclose their sexuality and their relationship (but even if they did not they do not owe that to anyone. Anyways the problem is heteronormativity and assuming people are straight by default). I do personally believe that both Louis and Harry want to at least be recognized as part of the LBTQA community for as long as they do not state things publicly (and also show that they are together to those that recognize it. I am a larrie so that is my belief lol) and possibly do want to come out at some point (both about their individual sexualities and their relationship) but until then they do have to perform heterosexuality for many numbers of reasons. And while they do that there is a need for a stunt girlfriend whether as PR or just for the purpose of appearing straight depending on their career needs. I know people who will speak out against attacks on Olivia might still have issues with Eleanor because one is PR and one is not (this is a simplified version of the reasons and I don't want to go into comparisons or reasonings people have for anything. At the end of the day neither attacks is justified to me.)

Okay this is already quite long and I haven't yet got to the point sorry about that. I think at the end of the day the purpose of the stunt girlfriend (when there is no PR involved) is to help maintain the closet until the closet is required. It doesn't matter who the person is tbh. If it were not Eleanor it would have been someone else so people who say things about Eleanor's personality, looks, character, mistakes she may have made do not make sense to me. None of these people know her yet they have made their own head canon version of her which is always a negative version. It would be the same no matter who was in her place. I think Louis' purpose for Eleanor specifically has to do with the story he wants to tell with his music and in interviews (a story that could possibly be most similar to his actual relationship perhaps even if not entirely the same) and I do believe Eleanor specifically helps tell it (as his longest public relationship). It allows him to mention a girlfriend that has "helped him" through tough times and give anecdotes about his "girlfriend". I think Eleanor probably does other things behind the scenes like a personal assistant as well we just do not see it. But the Eleanor we do see is the image that we are shown, the image that tells the story that Louis wants told. And that story in itself is so interesting and to me just confirms things that I believe about his actual relationship. So its more intriguing to me than something to stress over or look at negatively. I don't know Eleanor but what I know is this is her job and she will do it. It is work and I don't know why it has been villainized. I understand being frustrated by the situation and feeling like Louis (and Harry) may have not been happy through stunts in the past (potentially) but that does not translate to hating the stunt girlfriend. Disliking a situation you are in does not mean you dislike everyone who is part of it. But yeah anyways the end point is I do not see any situation in which people would be happy with a stunt girlfriend.

It doesn't matter which song she posts there will always be some criticism over it. It doesn't matter if she just posts herself with dogs or doing influencing there will be a problem. It doesn't matter whether she posts about Louis or not there will be criticism in either case. Lastly it doesn't matter if she talks with Louis' sisters or not either way there will be arguments that they are not on good terms. So I am not quite sure what it is that an ideal stunt girlfriend can do for fans. I don't see any situation where people who have already decided to have a problem just based on the concept of her being a stunt girlfriend will suddenly stop. But talking about these things might help at least some people understand the bias? I just think the best approach is that she keep doing what she feels is best according to the story that she has to tell and ignore the criticism (which can be tough I know because of the immense amount of hate you can get for it). I think if I were to find and guide someone my focus would be on guiding them on how to navigate the hate and I guess general tips based on the story that needs telling. And I think when it comes to finding someone it is probably a mix of finding someone who would look like what the ideal image of a girlfriend to a popstar should look like (which has its own problems and really we need to reevaluate standards of deciding these things) and also someone who can do the other behind the scenes work too?

Idk I have done a lot of rambling (and still probably haven't got all my thoughts down lol) but it was definitely an interesting post that led to some thoughts I felt like discussing. I hope you do not mind my sending an anon with all these thoughts. You do not have to post it if you are afraid of the reaction and can instead reply in tags?

I just want to end with agreeing with what you said about considering bearding to be like sex work. And also thankyou for your post.

hi nonny! thank you for your long and thoughtful response :) i hope you don't mind that i'm publishing it-- i think you made some good points and i appreciate that you really tried to answer the question of who to pick and what to guide them to do. image would definitely be key, as would an internet presence of some kind. i imagine celeb pairings would mean more frequent but less involved appearances while a famous/not famous pair would be able to get away with fewer public spottings but maybe more in depth/intimate scenarios.

and i really think there's just no way to please everyone, but you're right that the blame for closeting seems to fall on the shoulders of the woman who's bearding. :/// that often goes hand in hand with the narrative that they're (still) being forcibly closeted instead of looking at the very real history of ex-boybanders and performers who came out, which is relatively bleak/unsuccessful and making a decision to try to gain more credibility as solo artists.

meanwhile i share your perception that they want to be seen/read as LGBTQ+ by those of us who are part of that community. signalling is real, and it's not based on stereotypes like "oh he wore makeup! he has a limp wrist!" i mean as a queer femme from the south, when i go home i tone myself down quite a lot, but i still wear/use symbols that other queer people are more likely to notice, tell stories about myself that indirectly mention my gender and sexuality, and engage with queer history when possible in ways that straight people just. wouldn't perceive.

but of course you can do all of that and STILL want or need to be in the closet!

i really appreciate you responding to my question, even though i think you're right that there's no answer that would make the hatred these women get any less virulent. i do hope that, like you said, talking about it is at least useful in getting more people to realize that maybe it's undeserved? beards don't build the closets, they just stand there to make sure nobody walks in on the person they're working with while they're half naked, basically.

[honkytonkdyke]

i have been tagged by THREE people in this game so far, thank you so much for the tag: @hanamuri, @fullmetalscullyy, and @roseofbattles!! ily all so much 

How many works do you have on AO3?: 29 total! 6 MCU fics, 22 FMA fics, and 1 JJBA! 

What’s your total AO3 word count? 113,736! holy wow that’s a lot of words

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

on the brink of discovery: this is a multi-chap about roy and riza trying (and failing) to hide their relationship after going back to work after the promised day. a team mustang/royai fic. 

to heal: this one is co-authored by @priscilla-dm. coincidentally, it’s another multi-chap fic that explores post-promised day roy, but this one explores his goal to heal riza once and for all, and also through his relationship with mei chang, he uncovers his xingese ancestry. this one is my longest fic on ao3, currently sitting at 6 chapters. 

free me tenderly: an ironstrange fic i wrote for the 2020 ironstrange bingo. it’s a 1920s au where stephen is a medical businessman who can’t practice medicine anymore because of an injury in the war, and after a business meeting with tony, his status in the company and his relationship with his father changes forever. 

a little bit of care: a royai hurt/comfort oneshot fic where riza has issues washing her hair after the promised day, and roy has to help her. 

dim lights, thick smoke: named after an old bluegrass song, this fic is about jean and roy and explores the effect lust ultimately had on havoc, before and after he realized she was a hommunculus. 

Do you reply to comments, why or why not? I do! Most of the time it takes me a while to get to them though, just because I read them and stare at them for a long time in disbelief before I can actually process it and respond. I love getting comments, they keep me going LOL

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? probably warmth, my riza hawkeye character study about her relationship with her mother. i don’t write angsty endings a lot because my heart just can’t take it lmaoo

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? probably on the brink of discovery, that fic is just pure team mustang shenanigans and i love the ending scene a lot. there’s a lot of joy in that fic, and it’s one of my favorites. i don’t write unhappy endings a lot though, so this was a hard choice. 

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? i’ve found in more recent years i can’t write explicit smut or full out smut, just small scenes that are more focused on the emotions behind the actions. i can hardly write sexually charged things anymore so i typically don’t write smut (i’m saying this as i’m actively trying to write a non-explicit fic about roy and riza rn LOLOL)

Have you ever had a fic stolen? thankfully not! 

Have you ever had a fic translated? i haven’t as of yet! 

Have you ever co-written a fic before? yes! previously mentioned to heal is written with my dear friend @priscilla-dm. 

What’s your all time favorite ship? that is EASILY riza and roy, aka royai 

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? there are a lot of unfinished fics in my docs right now LOL so there’s no telling. i don’t have any solo fics that are actively unfinished on ao3 either at the moment.

What are your writing strengths? i think my dialogue is pretty strong, as well as my grammar and syntax. 

What are your writing weaknesses? anything in first person. i am so insecure about writing in first person that i RARELY do it, unless i’m actively trying to practice it. 

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? I’ve never written dialogue in another language, so I can’t say I have any actual thoughts. But if I do, I want the language to be accurate and properly used in whatever sentence it is being used in. 

What was the first fandom you wrote for? pokemon! i was the tender young age of 10 when i started writing fanfic LMAOO

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? right now, borrowed time. it took a lot out of me to write but i genuinely am so proud of that fic. it means a lot to me :)

i’m tagging: @firewoodfigs, @klainelynch, and @megthemighty! and of course, anyone who wants to do it is more than welcome 

[wovenstarlight]

YWBK update: chapter 25 + liner notes

yesterday will be kinder has updated! you can read chapter 25 here, or start from the beginning here

okay, on to notes and commentary! first time i’m doing these, let’s hope this works out. commentary under the cut to save people’s dashes

Hamin laughs. “Given how bad you are at not being suspicious, that’s understandable.” “Oh, come on, I’m not that bad.” Hamin screws up his whole face in a squint. “Okay, so maybe I’m a little bad.”

this part was really funny to me when i wrote it because i was like “hmm reasons for DHM to understand why HHJ wouldn’t work in the guild” and then i was like Wait. Their Whole First Meeting, Dude. DHM was lowkey convinced for the longest time that HHJ was like, on the run from the KR version of the mafia, and got plastic surgery to look like his little brothers, and is possibly in some sort of witness protection program??? or something??? how else does he not have cops on his ass this man is so suspicious all the time

“I don’t think… They said the dungeons were, like, different worlds? Did they find people there?”

mafia theory second place. dungeon theory first place

“Like, humans? Um. No, no humans.” “So then you can’t be from there. Okay.”

dungeon theory shot down. mafia theory back in the running

“Hey,” he says cautiously. “I’m— I’m gonna go get us some water, okay? Why don’t you… take a minute.” “Okay.” “The bathroom is over there, if you need it.” “Okay. Thank you.”

after four years working alongside a guy you start to notice when he’s feeling a little out of it and needs a bit of a break... but as JHW mentions later you also learn to be a little subtle about giving him one

jung heewon What’s with your typing? It reads like Jihye’s [HYJ]’s fine. Very energetic Too energetic? He’s going to burn out. How do I make him calm down

Epic Burnout Man makes a reappearance! when translating sclass one of the things that makes me want to shake HYJ most is his habit of constantly adding things to his to-do list while he already has 1 billion things on his plate. and all the time he’s whining about “UGH there’s SO MUCH WORK to do” No One Asked You To Do It

Anyway. the point is. HYJ isn’t about to be beat by HHJ at Developing Issues 😔

jung heewon I haven’t spoken to him directly about this because if he’s anything like you he’ll take it as an insult You wtf whts tht supposed 2 mean quit typing jung heewon Better not say shit, mr “No, I can’t take days off and cater to my interests or go out with friends or on a date, I’m too busy taking care of the kids and making sure their needs are met, no I don’t care that there are thousands of people out there balancing personal enjoyment and romance and work AND kids at the same time, are you suggesting I be a BAD GUARDIAN to MY KIDS?”

see above re: not being too direct with pointing out when HHJ’s having Issues because he doesn’t react well

You wht but our eyes r fine jung heewon Even if having glasses doesn’t run in the family, you should still get him checked, just in case

top 10 funny time travel moments: referring to you and your past self as “us” (our = my eyes are fine), but other people think you mean “our family” (our eyes are fine = no family history of long/shortsightedness)

Also. Sooyoung-ie says hi [Attachment: 20XX1213_144516.jpg] 

ok no lie this was one of the parts that pissed me off the most, even though it’s Literally One Line, because. i love chat exchanges. i really do. when done right they’re a lot of fun to read. But Do You Know How Long It Took Me To Figure Out A Calendar For The Events In This Fic. now everything’s TIMED i have to count HOW MANY DAYS IT’S BEEN since XY event so i can CORRECTLY NUMBER the FILE ATTACHMENTS!!! this sucks!!! it took me fucking forever to pin down a timeline just so i could write this chapter plus the few before and after it!!!!

anyway i gave up when i reached year. i just put 20XX. fuck it. we are running on fairy tail time now. (actually i think that’s XXnumber number? XX76? or was it X796. something like that. Who cares i stopped watching fairy tail forever ago)

Fuck it! Hamin will understand!! “If you Awaken you should come work with me,” Han Hyunjae says all in a rush. 

“HAMIN WILL UNDERSTAND” => he literally was cool with me giving zero context for half a dozen absolute balls to the wall nonsense bullshit things i’ve done before. he’ll be fine with this too. dog_in_burning_house_this_is_fine.png

“You already know about the guilds, those are going to be for dungeon Hunters, but I was thinking of forming something like an independent group of contractors. Awakened people with skills that aren’t useful for combat, but that might… that will be generally useful. It’d be you and me, and maybe one other guy I met recently. Probably more in the future.”

given that HHJ has no idea currently that peace exists (i’m so sorry baby i’ll find a way to shoehorn you in soon i miss you so much) he’s got no intentions to start a kiseungsu business yet! he mostly wants to live quietly while just acting as a manager for other Awakening-related services, like YMW’s forge and DHM’s tracking service, along with the information exchange/lowkey spy ring that he’s planning on setting up with JHW and the bar. since HYH is fine associating with him in this timeline, HHJ’s thinking he can get a foot in the door that way, then eventually spread out into dealings with most major guild leaders

RIP to this plan. you were well-made but you will not last long.

“Please, I can’t tell you how I know that, I really can’t, it’d put me and my brothers in danger if it got out. But—” “No need.” Hamin looks slightly alarmed, and Han Hyunjae feels himself settle at the obvious concern in his eyes.

MAFIA THEORY RAPIDLY RISING TO PROMINENCE??? THIS IS NOT HOW DO HAMIN WANTED HIS GUESS CONFIRMED

“I spoke to the Task Force Head and she said that there’s been discussion about hosting a meeting for the nearby high-rankers, where they’ll announce the guild proposal and see who else is interested in trying it out.”

“they’ll announce” i’m sorry king 💔 you deserved a nap

(OH ALSO FUN FACT choi eunyoung is a canon character, not an OC of mine! she appears in uhhh i think late 140s? 150s? something like that)

“I think there’s… probably only one other S-rank who’s Awakened right now?”

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehhehe

Hamin beams. “No, they’re doing great! Spookie’s taken really well to the new housing situation, but I think Spots might miss the store…”

shoutout to @daemonic-dawn​ for letting me borrow a pet name, love u king. i had a much longer ramble about pet names here but i finished typing and realized it was all entirely off topic so i removed it for convenience

Hyunjae makes an annoyed noise in the back of his throat. “Don’t— I mean.” He huffs, visibly taking a deep breath, and Yoojin frowns reflexively. [...] “Is everything alright?” Yoojin kind of wants to be annoyed at his tone on principle, but he forces his shoulders to relax, matching Hyunjae’s posture. Though he can’t stop himself from being a little short when he answers.

things the brothers have learned in four years living together: getting confrontational often leads to arguments that just fizzle out anyway, so it’s way fucking easier to consciously tone down their combativeness in advance when talking to each other about things they have problems with, instead of screaming their heads off and then having to calm yoohyun down afterwards to boot

“I guess. Whatever.” Yoojin slumps. “Can I…” “Hm?” Hyunjae blinks at Yoojin as he gestures to the spot on the bed beside him, then jolts. “Oh! Yeah, sure, c’mere.” He opens his arms, and Yoojin goes over and flumps on the bed, head in Hyunjae’s lap. Almost immediately, Hyunjae starts stroking fingers through his hair, and Yoojin relaxes into the touch, listening as Hyunjae continues speaking.

cuddles 🥺🥺🥺 sorry i don’t have any other commentary here just. cuddles. extremely and overwhelmingly comforting for a man who spent the better part of 8 years(?) with no major positive relationships, and a kid who spent 12 years of early life basically abandoned by his parents. you had best bet they gave up on not hugging each other 1 year into this whole mess

Yoojin hums in acknowledgement. It’s not like he’d ever let himself get hurt; he has too many responsibilities to his family and friends. If he wants to be good enough to keep up, he can’t afford to fuck up like that. But… hyung will worry if he keeps working so hard. He can slow down a little for him. 

Problems disorder man when will you stop. the way he sees “getting hurt” as an inconvenience and an obstacle to his duties rather than a danger to himself. the way he doesn’t really care if he himself gets hurt, but if it’ll worry his family, then it’s a no-no. it’s just. wow. i know i wrote this but i hate him

“Not really. I talk to Myeongwoo about it sometimes.” “Ah, right, Myeongwoo.”

haha gays

“Don’t be weird about him,” Yoojin warns[...]. “I won’t, promise.”

if the “i won’t” line had a dialogue tag it’d be “Han Hyunjae lied”

“Is Eunwoo still in his relationship?” “Mhm, happy as ever. Apparently they’re trying long-distance, now that Eunwoo’s gone off to university abroad.”

three guesses for who eunwoo’s dating and you won’t need the first two

Hyunjae raises his hands like he’s going to deny the accusations levelled against him, so Yoojin seizes him by the collar and shakes him until he cries for mercy

oh my o/rv ass struggled so bad with not writing “shakes him like a man betrayed” here. it killed me not to. but in the end i prevailed (against, uh, myself. don’t think about it too hard.)

“Jeez, okay, he’s an F-rank!” “Eh?! Then why—” “He’s also got an SS-rank potential skill,” Hyunjae admits[...].

play-by-play of this scene because god if i draw any scene in this fic it would be this one just for the sheer hysterical nature of HYJ’s reaction:

YOOJIN: I HATE YOU WHAT THE FUCK WHY. TELL ME HIS RANK

HYUNJAE: HE’S AN F

YOOJIN: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK?

HYUNJAE: he’s also got an SS-rank skill,

YOOJIN:

[jokertrap-ran]

(少女的王座—The Throne of Girl—) Main Story: Phone Call from Lancelot Pepsilia English Translation [ 緊急聯絡 : Emergency Call]

*The Throne of Girl Masterlist. *Spoiler free: Translations will remain under cut! *Main Story will be tagged under #Throne of Main

Chapter 1-1 / 1-2 / 1-3 / 1-3B / 1-4 / 1-5 / 1-6 / 1-7 / 1-8 / 1-9 / 1-10 / 1-11 / 1-12 / 1-13

Phone Call from Adrian / Lancelot

Lancelot: Just what happened between you and Devot, the King of Landfalke, before; for you to act like that upon meeting?

MC: It's… It's not like I can help it either! He was such an ass!

Lancelot: Care to tell your brother what happened?

Lancelot: Father will be really angry if he ever finds out that you'd gone off and stepped on the toes of another King when you'd only just arrived in Hubrigy… Even I can't help you if that happens.

▷Choice: Tell him that it's not that important

MC: I met him down at the Hunting Grounds, and he stole my prey, a Halcyon, that I'd been stalking for a long time and killed it. I argued a bit with him, but it's not anything all that important...

Lancelot: Honestly, you… It's fine for you to be so willful back home, but here… It's a good thing you met Devot and not someone else.

Lancelot: I know how Devot is, so this incident isn’t really serious at all.

Lancelot: But… Coming back to the topic, what do you think of him?

▷Choice: Express my fury regarding Devot

MC: I was obviously the one who had been tracking the Halcyon the longest, and I even had it nearly tame and docile...

MC: But he just had to suddenly appear out of nowhere, killing my prey with a single shot from his bow and snatching it away without even giving me so much as a chance to explain myself. Not to mention how he even made a mockery of my hunting skills!

MC: Don’t you think he’s an ass too, Brother!?

Lancelot: Looks like he still has that same attitude from back then… This really can’t be considered your fault.

Lancelot: Even with all that considered, he was still able to maintain his calm demeanor at the ball. As expected of a candidate that both Father and I have high hopes for.

Lancelot: He might look imposing, but he’s actually a really nice person.

Lancelot: How about it? Feel up to interacting with him again?

MC: ...Huh? What do you mean “how about it”?

MC: Brother… Are you…? Are you trying to marry me off to him?

Lancelot: Be it for the benefit of the family, or taking your future happiness into consideration, Devot is still the best Candidate out there.

Lancelot: He’s really amazing. I’ve been classmates with him for many years and both Father and I both think highly of his character. If it’s him, then I can entrust you to him with no worries at all.

▷Choice: Worry if Devot really took it to heart.

MC: About that… What if he really took my rudeness to heart today?

Lancelot: No matter what it may be, you still must find time to send him a message and apologize to him.

▷Choice: Express that you’re adamant on not marrying Devot

MC: No way! I’ll shrivel up and die if I were to marry someone like him!

Lancelot: Really, you… Alright, let’s put this entire issue about marriage aside; but you still have to find time to apologize to him for your actions today.

Lancelot: He’s still the King of Landfalke after all, so it wouldn’t be good to offend him.

Lancelot: Here’s his contact——

Lancelot: Okay… Fine…

Lancelot: I'll apologize.

⊹ ˚✩ ━━━━━━━ ∘◦ ♔What’s past, it’s prologue♔ ◦∘ ━━━━━━━ ✩˚ ⊹

Previous Part: (Phone Call from Adrian Aselva Hubrigy)

[rogsclogs]

Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); part 8

some angst at the end for you all because this story has been way too fluffy so far and that just ain’t my style lmao 

enjoy :)

taglist: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeacygotmorerhythm @killer-queen-xo @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @alfinaldelarcoiriss @warren-lauren (I’m sorry for some reason I wasn’t able to tag your other account, I hope this is fine anyway).   to be added to the tag list please message me.

Part 1 Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 9

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Y/N felt like she was living a double life, the first being her regular life when she was at school and the second being the new life she had started to create with Brian.

From 9 am to 5 pm she was old regular Y/N, who was your typical college student, and she talked to all her old friends like she always used to, even though she kept the biggest secret from them. In fact, she had not told anyone about what was going on in her private life, not even Joe knew about it, no matter how much she truly cared for him and trusted him. 

All she had told him was that she was going through some family problems and that she was staying with a friend for some time, which wasn't a complete lie after all.

Except her ‘friend’ was their professor, but that wasn't important.

Her ‘friend’ was someone she’d been building such a great relationship with every day from 5 pm until the morning. 

Her new life was exciting and terrifying at the same time, she helped him out with Emily as much as she could, picking her up from daycare and secretly taking her to get ice cream (if she promised not to tell Brian) (he actually knew but he just pretended he didn't because they were far too adorable for him to mind it), helping her get dressed in the morning and brush her teeth at night. She had become a motherly figure for Emily and she loved it, although the idea of children had never been much appealing to her in the past.

Every night her and Brian would take some time after putting Em to bed to go over all the notes she had been taking during lectures and he made sure to explain everything throughly more than once, taking small breaks in between chapters to drink some tea and make out on the couch. They had never gone any further than that and Brian wanted to, God only knows how much he wanted to, but he just wasn’t sure how to bring it up casually, without embarrassing her or making her feel like he was being pushy and desperate, so he kept to himself and tried to hide his excitement whenever they kissed, both fiscal and emotional.

Was she his girlfriend? He had no idea, they never talked about it in depth, only agreeing to keeping things between them as secret as possible, but they were pretty much living together at that point and that's all that mattered to him. 

He never wanted to let her go, and every time she told him she could go home if he had gotten tired of her, he just pulled her into his chest and kissed her so deeply that all her thoughts got lost in translation.

He had also finally grown the balls to tell her he loved her, which had first happened a couple of weeks after she told him first. Not that she minded being the only one to say it, she knew how hard it was for him to open up and let his emotions free, she was familiar with the heartbreaks and demons of his past, so she was absolutely okay with him taking his time to sort his feelings out. Needless to say, she was over the moon when he first told her he loved her after a heated make out session. She was on cloud nine.

As long as there was love between them, their relationship didn't need labels.

The only thing about them that kinda bothered Y/N was how secretive they had to be all the time.

Of course when they were both at school and she had to act like nothing more than a student she was careful, but he never wanted her to go out with him at all. If she was picking up Em after school, then he wasn’t going with her, if either of them went grocery shopping they had to go by themselves and they couldn't even go out for dinner together once in a while.

Brian was scared to death that someone from school would see them and spread the word, and that would mean losing everything they had both worked so hard for, so he wasn't willing to take any risks.

And Y/N understood, she really did, but at the same time she often felt like a prisoner because she wanted to spend all her spare time with Brian and being with him meant staying home, which got quite tough after a while.

She became more irritable and all her friends had notice a change in her attitude, especially Joe with whom she spent most of her time in school. He was so used to being made aware of mostly everything that went on in Y/N’s life that he could immediately tell when something wasn't right, and he couldn’t help but notice how stressed and tired she had been looking most of the time lately.

What he didn't know was that it wasn't just the pressure of having to retake the exam to keep her up at night, but also her anxiety about the relationship with Brian and where it was headed.

Her and Brian had even had a small argument about it, he’d lost his patience and raised his voice at her more than he’d ever done before, which obviously scared her because it was almost impossible for him to lose his patience. 

He had profusely apologized for it right after of course, plus it is normal for people who live together all the time to have discussions every once in a while, right? 

No matter what, Joe could sense something in her head was bothering her and he knew just what he needed to do to help her out.

“Hey Y/N, would you like to come to the movies with me tonight? It’s been a while since we’ve last hung out together after all and maybe it would be useful for you to go out every once in a while”.

He wasn't wrong after all. She had been so busy with her new life that she had almost forgotten how to live for herself, how to just go out for fun and not think about anything stressing her out for a while.

“Hey Joe, yeah I would love to go! Any particular movie you have in mind?”

“I was thinking of getting tickets for the new Star Wars movie if that's okay with you of course”

Y/N had not even seen the first couple of Star Wars movie and quite frankly she wasn't all that interested, but she was so happy to just be spending time with her friend and finally be a normal twenty something year old for a night that she didn't even try to question it, she would have watched any movie about anything. She just agreed, pretending to know what the saga was about and figuring she would just try not to fall asleep if the movie ended up being boring.

“Should I come pick you up at around seven?” She shivered at his question, of course he didn’t know any better but the thought alone of him picking her up from their professor’s house was horror movie worthy to her.

“No, don’t even worry about it, I’ll just get my mom to drop me off at whichever movie theatre we decide to go, it’s no big deal”.

Joe only insisted for a while before giving up on trying to argue and letting her get back to her lecture, which she knew was going to be one of the longest of her life.

Brian could tell she was in a great mood as soon as she stepped into the apartment later that day, and started questioning her about it soon enough.

“So, what's gotten you in such an amazing mood baby?”

“Joe asked me to go see the new Star Wars movie with him tonight, and I’m so happy I could cry. It’s been a while since I’ve taken some time off to be with my friends, you know”.

Brian didn't immediately figure out who she was talking about, not used to remembering his students’ first names, but then it hit him since she had briefly talked about him before.

“Joe as in Mr. Stevenson who used to attend my lectures last semester with you?”

“Well yes, but he did end up passing the test so that's why you haven't seen much of him lately. You can just call him Joe now” she laughed at the last part.

He was perplexed for some reason. It felt weird to know that she was going to go out with someone other than him, especially someone who he could tell had a crush on Y/N. He left a sudden wave of jealousy run through his veins, and he hated himself for it because after all she was free to hang out with whoever she wanted, but he couldn’t help it.

Of course he wanted her to have a good time, he just wanted her to have it with him in the comfort of his house (actually, to him it was their house by then, he considered her part of the family without a doubt).

“Wouldn’t you rather stay home with me? We can watch a movie and I can go grab us some dinner! Maybe Italian food? That's your favorite, isn't it?”

“Well, yeah, but I mean I haven't been out with Joe in so long and I honestly miss him, I’m going to be watching a movie either way, it’s just that I always do that with you”

“You don't even like Star Wars”

“It’s not that I don't like it, I have just never cared for it, but who’s to say that can't change?” She was starting to get irritated at him, after all he wasn't her father and he had no right to act so protective of her when she wasn't even doing anything that she needed protection from.

“But why won’t you just stay here with me? We have to go over some lectures from this week, you need to study for your test!” Truth is he was jealous of the kind of relationship Joe could offer her.

It was no issue for them to be seen in public together, he could take her out and make her happy any time he wanted to, and Brian couldn't. He just couldn't risk being seen by someone and he knew that it was taking a toll on Y/N, but the last thing he wanted was for her to realize that he wasn't worth the hustle and that Joe was a much better party.

“Oh come on Brian, don’t be like that! I am spending all of my free time here with you and Emily lately, and I don't mind that but sometimes I would like to go out with my friends and be normal for once”.

That last part hit Brian differently, and he felt like he was on the verge of tears.

“So you don't think our relationship is normal enough for you?”

“Of course it’s not, and you know that very well. You know, because you’re the one always telling me that we have to keep it a secret like we’re some sort of spies that work for the government or whatever. You’re the one always lecturing me on the risks of going out together and all of that, you know for a fact this isn't what a normal relationship is like”.

He didn't know what to say to that. She was right and he hated it, he wanted to be able to give her the world, but felt stuck inside a small box that he was forcing her to stay in with him, and that was a very unfair way of treating her, especially considering how much he really loved her.

“Then... then why are you still here Y/N?” 

She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

“What do you mean why am I still here?”

“Why haven't you gone back to your parents yet? Why is all of your stuff still in my apartment if you feel like you're so unhappy here?” He knew that the words coming out of his mouth were most likely untrue, but it didn't matter to the anger and sadness coming from inside of him.

“Because I love you Brian, and you know”

“Do I?” Why was he being so spiteful to her? Of course he knew she loved him, she showed him every fucking day. Why was he being so difficult? He didn't know the answer.

Y/N was left speechless after that, feeling the weight of a thousand stones drop on her heart. She didn't know where to look or how to act, afraid of setting him off even more and afraid of what he might do, after all she had never seen him that upset before. She quickly grabbed her backpack and wallet from her room, which actually used to be sort of like a storage room that Brian had redecorated for her to feel at home in, took one last look at him and left without another word being said.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Forty Six

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

March 18th, 2019

Dee looked at everyone in the room in the courthouse with confusion. They were smiling and laughing and chatting like they had done this a million times before. They hadn’t done it a million times, but they had done it three, so maybe they were just that familiar with each other.

Whatever the reason, he was uncomfortable being slightly dressed up and just standing around in court doing nothing. He clung to Remy’s leg like his life depended on it, and when they finally started talking about signing papers, Dee felt relief flood through him. Even if this meant he couldn’t go back to Mama, he wouldn’t be stuck in this courthouse forever.

And anyway, if Mama left him, didn’t that mean that this new family taking him in was a good thing?

March 18th, 2020

Dee was happy enough that he was jumping up and down and flapping his hands like mad. He was wearing his adult villain gloves, because he had outgrown his old ones but Dad got him these so that he didn’t have to go without villain gloves at all. These he just had to grow into.

They were at his favorite pizza place, the one that knew his particular preferences for pizza and didn’t give him or his family weird looks when they ordered a white pizza with extra cheese and sausage. It was the anniversary of his adoption, and while he had gotten a mini-party two weeks before with his family for his seventh birthday, Lucy wasn’t able to come and have dinner with them like he had hoped. But today, Dad and Ami had talked with Lucy’s moms, and they all had agreed that they would meet here, as a belated birthday celebration in addition to his adoption anniversary.

As soon as they walked through the door, Lucy exclaimed, “Dee!” and ran over to hug him.

He hugged back, tight, before taking off his gloves and shoving them in his coat pockets so he could sign. “I’m so glad you came!”

“Well, of course!” Lucy signed back. “I was super sad I couldn’t do it on your birthday, but this is almost as good!”

Dee grinned and flapped his hands before signing, “It’s better! Because this is the reason why I know you in the first place!”

Lucy frowned. “What do you mean?” she signed.

“Well, if I hadn’t been adopted by Dad and Ami, I wouldn’t be going to school with you!” Dee explained.

“Oh!” Lucy said out loud. “Yeah, I’m really glad you got to be adopted, then!”

Dee nodded. He was really glad too, and he didn’t want to think about where he would be if he weren’t with Dad and Ami. It definitely was not a pleasant thought. Would Mama have stopped taking pills? Would he have had to talk to way more police people? Would he have been taken away anyway, only this time he wouldn’t have been with Dad and Ami? He didn’t know, and that really scared him. Hence why he didn’t think about it often, if at all.

Lucy tapped his arm and Dee looked up at her from where he found himself staring at the floor. “You okay?” she signed.

Dee smiled softly. “Yeah. Just started thinking about not nice things.”

“Oh,” Lucy said, nodding her understanding. “Yeah, that’s no fun,” she agreed. “Do you want to find a table with my moms and your family?”

“Yeah,” Dee agreed, and the two immediately looked for a table that could house the ten of them.

When they found a likely candidate, everyone sat down and, because the customers were allowed to seat themselves, a waitress came right over with a bright smile. “Hello there! How can I help you tonight?”

“Hi, we’re going to be ordering...” Ami trailed off, before signing at Lucy’s moms. At their response he said, “We’ll be ordering three pizzas. Two large ones, regular sauce, pepperoni on one half and veggie lover’s on the other, the second one plain cheese on one half and green peppers and black olives on the other, and then a small, white sauce, extra cheese and sausage.”

The waitress laughed. “Oh, you must be the Picani’s! The manager talks about you a lot. Usually to say why you should never judge someone for their pizza order, because you come here often and tip well because no one else takes the order seriously.”

“That’s us,” Ami said cheerfully. “We’re here with a school friend of the youngest. He’s very excited about it.”

Dee noticed that one of Lucy’s moms was translating what Ami was saying for the other. When the waitress left, the conversation moved solely into the sign language territory. Mostly introductions, explaining who was who to one another. Lucy’s mom who was Deaf, who was wearing a denim jacket tonight, smiled and signed, “Your ASL is amazing for only knowing it one year.”

Logan signed back, “Well, Dad and I have had more practice than one year, but my teacher has said that my signing improved greatly since Dee joined the family. Full-immersion does wonders in learning a new language. And since Dee only would speak when he knew we wouldn’t know the sign and no one was around to translate, it really was like full-immersion.”

Lucy signed, “That’s really cool! I didn’t realize most of you didn’t know sign before! You’re naturals!”

“Not really,” Roman signed with a laugh. “My sign was terrible for the longest time. I constantly had to ask Dee to slow down, and I still do when he fingerspells. But I’ve been getting better.”

Ami lightly waved his hand and signed, “Before the food comes, we have a gift for Dee to celebrate his adoption.”

Dee was surprised, thought he didn’t know why. He had gotten presents on his birthday, both from the family and from Lucy. But he forgot that he might get a gift on his adoption.

Dad passed over a small bag to Dee and Dee took it gingerly. He sifted through the paper and found a pair of earbuds, which he played with for a few seconds before sifting through the paper more at Ami’s encouragement. He pulled out a small-ish rectangular device that sort of reminded him of a phone, except it had a circle where the keys would be, and the screen was small. “What is it?” he signed.

Ami and Dad both laughed, and Lucy’s moms were cracking a smile. “I never thought I would see the day,” Ami signed. “It’s called an iPod. It stores music and podcasts and stuff so you can play it whenever you like.”

Dee blinked a few times, before putting the earbuds into the iPod and then his own ears. “What do I do to start the music?” he asked.

“You see the symbols of the sideways triangle and the two little lines? Press that,” Dad signed.

Dee did so and his eyes widened as he recognized one of the songs that Logan liked to listen to, one of the few that he was allowed to play without headphones around Dee, and the one that was Dee’s absolute favorite of Logan’s songs. He took out one of the earbuds, surprised that he couldn’t hear the music in that ear anymore, before putting it back in. He grinned. “Cool!” he signed.

“Ami and I found that in the basement in one of the moving boxes, and we cleared out what little music was still on it before downloading songs we knew you liked,” Dad signed. “We figured it could help some in crowds. It’s not the same as noise-cancelling headphones, but it still will give you something to focus on.”

Dee grinned wide and signed “Thank you” over and over again. Then, “Can I keep them in while we eat?”

“Well, yeah, if you want,” Ami signed. “We’re all going to be signing anyway, so you won’t be missing out on any of the conversation.”

Dee flapped his hands excitedly and slid the iPod into his pocket. Lucy was grinning at him. “That looks like it was a really good gift!” she signed.

“It is!” Dee exclaimed. “And on my birthday Dad and Ami found a weighted blanket in my size! They know all of my sensory problems and they help with them, instead of telling me that I need to get over them, like some of the mean kids at school do!”

“That’s great!” Lucy signed. “I’m really happy for you!”

Dee nodded. “They also help Logan when he has similar problems.”

“What?” Logan signed. “I don’t have those sorts of problems, do I?”

“You don’t buy certain shirts or pants because they ‘feel wrong,’ you can’t stand certain music because ‘the lyrics don’t sound right,’ you can’t touch chalkboards with any part of exposed skin, nevermind fingernails, without squeezing your hands repeatedly until you can run your fingers under water or on something that ‘feels better,’” Dad supplied. “You do all of this without realizing it, but yeah, Logan, you have sensory issues.”

Logan looked momentarily stunned. “Oh,” he said, out loud. “I didn’t realize...” he started to sign, but his hands drifted down as his thought process trailed off. “I don’t know.”

The pizza came while Logan was still brooding over this fact, and the conversation moved to lighter topics. Lucy and Dee talked a lot about school when they weren’t eating their slices of pizza, Roman talked about how the school play was coming up in April and how he had most of his lines down but the blocking kept tripping him up, and Patton and Virgil talked a lot about the books they were reading. Virgil adored Animorphs and Patton was still enjoying The Magic Tree House whenever he could.

Eventually, Logan joined in on the conversation again, when Lucy’s moms asked Logan and Dad where they had learned to sign. They signed an hour-long conversation, and when all of the pizza was eaten and their drinks gone, Dee was starting to yawn as one of Virgil’s slow songs came on the iPod, acting like a lullaby. “We should probably head out,” Dad signed. “I think Dee’s a little too tired for dessert.”

“I’m not tired,” Dee protested, before yawning again.

“You’d fall asleep face-first into whatever dessert you had,” Roman signed with a grin.

Dee whined in protest but didn’t do anything else outside rub his eyes. He was tired, and it had to be getting close to eight, but that didn’t mean he wanted to go home and get ready for bed.

“We should be going, too,” Lucy’s other mom, the one who was wearing bright pink lipstick, signed. “Lucy will need to go to bed soon. It is a school night, after all.”

Lucy tilted her head back and groaned, before hugging Dee. When she pulled apart, she signed, “I had fun tonight.”

“Same,” Dee signed.

“Oh, and do you like the book Mom found for you? There aren’t a lot of kid’s books out there with characters who are mute, so I hope just finding one who was autistic is okay...”

Dee smiled. “I love it a lot, Lucy. It’s nice to read, especially when the bullies give me a hard time.”

“Good, I’m glad,” Lucy signed.

Everyone stood, and after Dad and Ami left two twenties on the table, they all walked outside and went their separate ways in the parking lot. Dee was a little sad, even though he knew that he would see Lucy tomorrow. He had sorta hoped that tonight would never end.

“Chin up, Dee,” Virgil said as they all got in the van. “You get to listen to your music a little while longer before you have to go to bed.”

“And you get to see your best friend tomorrow!” Patton chirped.

“Not to mention that just because tonight is over, doesn’t mean we’re not going to be here tomorrow,” Roman added.

“And while it might seem unfair to cut the night short, we really should get back home. If you want, we could read the book Lucy got you again before bed,” Logan offered.

Dee yawned again and nodded. That sounded really nice. Ami drove out of the parking lot and started the trip home, and as one song bled into the next in Dee’s ears, he leaned back and tried to let himself relax, just a little, just enough that maybe he could have an easier time sleeping tonight. After all, his family was here, and they would keep him safe and love him ‘til the end of time. He had been here a year and they hadn’t disappointed him yet.

Virgil gently grabbed Dee’s hand and gave it a squeeze. Dee looked over in confusion. “Just...you know that we’re not gonna leave you for anything, right?” Virgil asked. “The only thing that would make me not be able to talk to you anymore is if one of us died. And that’s not gonna happen for years and years.”

Dee nodded. “I know, Virgil. Thanks,” he signed.

“I love you,” Virgil murmured. “I want to make sure you know that, because I don’t say it often.”

“I know,” Dee signed again. “I love you too.”

After Virgil nodded and Dee started to relax again, he was asleep before they even hit the next red light.

[myhandsarentsmudgediusedigital]

I posted 414 times in 2021

34 posts created (8%)

380 posts reblogged (92%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 11.2 posts.

I added 131 tags in 2021

#elder scrolls - 29 posts

#skyrim - 28 posts

#not my art - 21 posts

#last dragonborn - 12 posts

#my art - 9 posts

#tesfashiontober - 8 posts

#elder scrolls skyrim - 7 posts

#the elder scrolls - 7 posts

#minerva - 6 posts

#heidi - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 103 characters

#i was kinda worried it didn’t fit anymore since i changed her personality a lot after i came up with it

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Siblings Reunited

(yes, Crow is a reincarnated dragon. No I am not apologizing)

4 notes • Posted 2021-11-18 01:38:02 GMT

#4

That moment when you’re talking in a TES discord and find someone else with a food hoarder character

On the left is Vyrkir (by @transnemesis) and on the right is Minerva (me)

4 notes • Posted 2021-10-19 14:36:00 GMT

#3

Okay so uh it has occurred to me that I’ve never really made any posts about my OCs on here (and thanks to @reachfolk for encouraging this) so I guess I’ll start with the one I’ve got the most development for: Minerva Aurerum!

Okay so:

Race: Breton

Age: 22

Smol (4’11”)

Her name translates pretty well into Dragon (Mid-Nir-Vah (LOYAL-HUNT-SPRING))

Voice Claim: Idina Menzel (Elphaba (Wicked), Elsa (Frozen))

Sign: The Lord

Day of Birth: 14th of First Seed

Class: Spellsword

Virtue: Loyalty

Vice: Wrath

Factions: College of Winterhold, Imperial Legion (by association)

- Her mother is a Restoration mage, her grandfather is a high ranking Legion member, and she has an older brother who joined the legion as well

- Hotheaded anime protagonist archetype: Her temper is matched only by her loyalty to her friends (and her appetite)

- All Dragonborn hoard stuff and Minervas hoard is food (not cause she ever starved or anything she just has Super High metabolism)

- Gets seasick easily

- Gets could easily but lives in Winterhold

- She’s insecure about her temper issues and sometimes has freak outs where she wonders if she went too far

- Eventually marries Onmund, and is not happy when she hears how his family treated him

- The only thing that’s stopping her from going down to Eastmarch to search for them was Brelyna telling her that it wouldn’t make Onmund happy because he still considers them his family

- Gods help you if you touch Onmund though

- Or her brother

- Or her friends

- She’s very protective, and once she accepts you as her family she’ll fight to the end for you

7 notes • Posted 2021-11-24 04:16:53 GMT

#2

Skyrim discourse? Don’t you mean:

7 notes • Posted 2021-08-04 01:16:48 GMT

#1

12 notes • Posted 2021-08-30 14:06:46 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[sous-le-saule]

2017 Fic in Review

I was tagged by @lvslie and @maniacalmole

Thank you!

total number of completed stories: 9 in 2017 (plus some tiny pieces posted on tumblr and some chapters added to Compétition)    

total word count: about 40k

fandoms written in: Good Omens

looking back, did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

I expected to write more. I have lots of ideas waiting for more time. But I also have a family and a job, so... Plus I write very slowly.

what’s your own favorite story of the year?

Abattre le mur / Three little words

It’s hard to say “I love you”, and even harder to believe that someone loves you. Crowley was the perfect character regarding this issue.

Luna and I, we did the writing and the translation at the same time, and she helped me a lot. It was very interesting.

But my fave is always 12 days, and since Luna’s beautiful translation was posted in 2017, I cheat shamelessly and I mention it again ;)

did you take any writing risks this year?

Dear, each single sentence I try to write in English is a huge risk lol.

But I had to, bc I can’t write porn in French (I’d really like to try, though) and I wrote my first two E-rated fics in 2017 (In Awkward Positions - aka “the yoga fic” - and The Kilt), which counts for something in terms of risk, I’d say.

do you have any fanfic or profit goals for the new year? 

Plenty of ideas, and a strong will to improve.  

best story of the year?

I’m tempted to say Abattre le mur / Three little words again, but it’s not for me to say. 

most popular story of the year?

In Awkward Positions

Does it mean ppl prefer porn? Surprising... 

story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

In 2017, L’Amour qui n’ose pas dire son nom, undoubtedly. 

Aziraphale/Oscar Wilde (with a lot of Crowley nonetheless)! C’mon, people, I’m sure you can read French! :D

most fun story to write:

Compétition is always fun (and easy) to write. Last year, I wrote two stand-alone chapters about Crowley and Aziraphale watching the Eurovision song contest and going to Ikea together. Purely recreational writing!   

story with the single sexiest moment:

I wrote no sexy moment except in my pwp so In Awkward Positions again.

After all, half of the fic isn’t sex. On second thought, is it a pwp then? But I can hardly say there’s a plot lol. 

most sweet story:

I wrote Sweet Dreams, Angel in 2016 for the gohe but I posted it in 2017 on ao3 so let’s say it counts. 

“holy crap, thats wrong, even for you!” story:

I’m not sure how to interpret this category, but I spontaneously think about my fic for the gohe, Limelight Revelations. It was obviously a mistake and I spent way too much time on it.

story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters & most unintentionally telling story:

It’s hard not to be redundant when one wrote only 9 fics. I could easily say  Abattre le mur / Three little words again but it wasn’t unintentional. For a change, Libre arbitre (that could compete for the most under-appreciated story too, with 4 kudos lol), bc the story came from the feeling I had a long time ago, when visiting a French village (Oradour-sur-Glane) whose inhabitants had been massacred by SS soldiers. That feeling was still vivid when I wrote the fic and I think it shows. And it made me consider the responsibility of being an angel or a demon forced to obey orders. 

hardest story to write:

Emotionally, Abattre le mur / Three little words, without hesitation. Too personal issues and a lot of doubts when writing. In short, I cried the whole time lol.

Linguistically, Limelight Revelations. The longest piece I ever wrote in English (15k words) and I’m so bad at it that it took me two months. 

biggest disappointment:

Two years of reading fics in English and I’m still unable to write it properly. I’m not even talking about style. Just correct sentences. I’m ashamed.  

biggest surprise:

That I wrote porn That my series One step at a time was also translated into Japanese. And that @lunasong365 translated 12 jours. It was such an amazing gift and I’m still deeply moved by it. 

(I tag @improbabledreams900 @butterfliesandresistance and @staubengel if they want to do this)

[you-cant-remember]

am i seriously back to using a vent tumblr? just to release out a bunch of feelings that i build up all the time, never leaving and just sitting there rotting me from inside out? really? this shit’s pathetic for me but that’s okay, i guess its just because i don’t wanna use a journal or anything. i’m probably gonna be more personal with these (of course not saying anything directly like.. names, or whatever or any business like that) but less general and not gonna tag my posts anymore because what’s the point even? what am i trying to achieve here? an outlet for the sake of self - expression? it all seems pointless and worthless of what i’m trying to make of it, but i just really wanted to express an issue on my mind recently so,,, why do i let people speak for me ? when you fucking try and talk for me, saying how i FEEL and what i want done its so fucking annoying. don’t try and step in for me because i don’t want it. you governing what i do, even if i’m fucking self-destructing, i never asked for advice! or your surface level explanation of my problems when you know NOTHING! only i know what I’M feeling and honestly you don’t have to translate it back to me because i never asked or offered and i’m much happier figuring it out on my own and dealing with it on my own because of how people like you deal with it and react to it and honestly i just think keeping it to myself is the best i could do because at least then people like you wouldn’t be enticed to watch me fail more, watching it and observing it from the sidelines because OH NO!! you don’t know what to do!! like my life’s some romanticized tragedy for you to explain for me! do you know how many times i’ve tried saying i think i have something or something about me is NOT regular and everyone’s like lol nah its something else! 

like, i’ve come to so many conclusions and i’m sure i don’t need you to confirm or question what i’ve gone through. why does everyone need the longest explanations or the most tragic thing to happen just to prove you’re hurting? i don’t need to fucking kill myself for people to take me seriously, do i? honestly feels like it now because everytime i’ve spoken up or said anything it’s always the same wishes to get better or speak up whenever i’m feeling down when guess what genius? I ALWAYS FEEL AWFUL!!!! like, when’s the last time i’ve actually felt happy? being with people just feels numb and i feel like a geniune disappointment and really just wanna self-isolate. maybe it’s my grudges or automatic responses but god do i not wanna depend on anything for any sort of happiness. i’ve got myself, ykno? you know nothing about me but you pride yourself on it because of your stupid ass god complex that fools praise you for?? i mean, maybe its not that but regardless, people treating me like i’m some helpless little baby, incapable of fending for themselves is annoying as shit!

i guess me being indecisive shouldn’t be everybody’s problem to deal with and i’m a fucking sore to be around, but could you just like.. leave me alone and leave me be? i want you to listen, but you doing shit for me turns me away from reaching out when i’ve said the most to this group about only ONE specific issue. like. a generalization, maybe, admitting how much i just don’t wanna be here at all and they zoom in on it just feeling so bad for me and its like.. the events in my life don’t owe me an apology for essentially the inevitable. feeling constantly sorry for myself and drowning in my own pity has been so common for me and a habit i’ve sworn off on and its more just letting myself indulge in how i feel. but at least now i recognize there’s room for acceptance of whatever’s gone down and whatever i release late at night crying or whatever. i speak about my issues by even a simple statement and suddenly everyone’s feeling sorry for whatever’s went down and i don’t need your pity. i don’t need to feel more like i’m useless, someone who can do nothing. every time i wake up i sit here wondering what the fuck i’m actually doing and i feel like i’m just running without a cause, running aimlessly, running from myself and shit i’m tired. i’ve always been tired and just,, you don’t owe me your apologies for my loss. it’d be so GREAT if not every time my family meets up, its always a mention of the same death that keeps me up wondering what i could’ve done for help.

the spot i was born to fill -  i know i don’t live for anyone, but honestly it seems the fault and blame is all on what i failed to do. even if i’m a disappointment, letting it go seems unnecessary. maybe its a thing on my mindset, and so i live just ignoring it and doing silly ass shit, but it always creeps up on me doing random stuff and i have nothing to do but take it and know i’m not gonna say anything about it. it comes back in simple moments - just the despair of being known and around others. the fact that i’m being perceived and people know me and it feels so fake. everyone claims they know things about me but its always so false and just my pushover ass trying to make people recognize any appeal they see in me. i strive for it and it just seems like everything people complain about seems so,, inconsequential to what i’ve felt. sure, i know it’s been hard for you and you deserve so much credit but what’s it like just to feel terrorized every time you just.. exist? i don’t have to do shit and the thoughts just loom there always, and its just a part of me. a draining parasite - without it, who the fuck would i be? all i feel seems to be the same thing and getting “better” seems like such a betraying idea.. how do you trust that? the fact that you could feel actually valued hanging out with anyone? it’s not on them and i feel so bad they have to deal with me because everything i have is self-inflicted and such a battle in my head and honestly i just wish i could sleep and escape, but you gotta face shit, yknow? thing is, people try to make me face this shit in front of them like i’m a puppet in their show, like, the sudden confrontation and my reaction to it makes me feel like a deer in headlights. i can work it out fine on my own, but with everyone’s perception of me and that spotlight,, i don’t want people to think i’m helpless. who am i even trying to impress here? i wish i could be there with you without fucking disassociating so hard because my brain doesn’t know how to think with happiness or react. anything good i feel i just feel so undeserving and i suddenly get bad memories every time anyone treats me nice,, like, i don’t need your happiness and i guess i just really don’t like being around people. to be in darkness, just indulged in it - away from anyone. that seems so peaceful. you only really exist through the ideas you give others and i guess i just wish i wasn’t known because that has the opportunity for people to see how shitty i actually am and act and how i’m just so wasteful with my life. every waking moment is a reminder of things that happened and i just feel so hollow and filthy and like a husk of anything. i feel devoid of any type of emotion usually except for this deep, aching fear and panic, just some sadness that i face all the time and i guess its just so waring on me but this is how i’ve always been. probably since i was like, what, six or seven? first time i saw someone with a bloody face and truly acknowledged what was going on, or at least my first memory of it. little did i know then, and it was stripped away so quickly as i came to that awareness. to be unawarre is really just the bliss, isn’t it. i just don’t feel deserving here and i don’t think i ever will because i just feel so heavy all the time and ANGRY and raging and experiencing emotions so hard but nobody ever sees it and i’ve gotten so good at masking it that nothing of what i even feel feels real to me!! what if i’m just making it up like every other fucking thing i show to people?? to be lost in time and forgotten would be lovely and the experience of being here in retrospect sounds so nice, but i’m so lost in my own thoughts a lot of the time that i don’t have much i think i appreciate.

and if you tell that to anyone, they don’t get it. they think you don’t appreciate them or whatever, but the truth is i DO! i’m mad at myself for not being able to express this properly! my emotions are always such a mess and i have such a bad time at verbally expressing what i fucking feel and feelings are so HARD!!!!! I APPRECIATE YOU DUDE!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!! BUT I’M SO SCARED TO EVEN FEEL THIS????? MY BRAIN REACTS SO HARSHLY TO IT AND SO I COME OFF AS SO COLD OR ON AND OFF AND I’M SORRY BECAUSE I CAN’T CONTROL IT BUT I WANNA CONTROL IT FOR YOU AND I JUST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY AM I SO AWFUL. drops mic i don’t wanna write anymore and even this doesn’t feel adequate and it probably seems so much more different from what you see so. i really just don’t make sense huh

[maximumkillshotstillwritess-blog]

How Can I Put This?

Warnings: negative body image of the reader, Sammy being Cute as all hell, semi-fluffy, almost smut (Coming in Part 2)

Pairing: SamxReader

A/N: This post is so big it needs two!

Originally posted by hunterchesters

“How is the research going Sammy?” said Dean as he came out of his room in grease stained clothing, a clear sign that he’s going to give Baby a full overhaul.

“It’d be going better if you’d help me” said Sam, clearly annoyed at the fact that they are researching a new case and once again, Dean is disappearing to the garage.

“Well you could ask Y/N/N for some help, she’s not bad at research” said Dean as he walked to the fridge and grabbed a few beers.

He knew very well that you were a sore subject for Sam. To Dean you are a very good friend and a hell of a hunter. To Sam though, Sam couldn’t focus around you, you were and still are too beautiful for him to focus around. Add onto that your brains, personality, and your talent for taking Dean down a few pegs, and you are the perfect woman. The perfect woman that he can never have.

“Hello? earth to Sammy, SAM!” yelled Dean as he waived his hand in front of Sam’s face.

“What? What was that Dean?” said Sam.

“I said, do you want me to go and get her before I go to the garage?” said Dean, almost amused at his brother. He’s never seen him this distracted by a woman, not since he was a teenager.

“Uhh nahh, don’t bother her, I got this” said Sam

“You sure? Because she’s probably doing nothing right now and bored out of her mind.” replied Dean.

“yea I got this Dean, don’t bother her, I’m sure she has better things to do” said Sam, praying he’d drop it.

Then both of them heard your voice from the doorway. When they both looked back toward the doorway they found your head poking in with your hair cascading down and you said “Don’t bother me for what?”

Dean then looked at you and back to Sam and Sam gave Dean his best ‘please don’t do this, have mercy on my soul’ face.

“Hey Y/N/N we were just talking about you, do you have any spare time to help Sammy out with some research? I’m gonna tune up Baby and he’s having an issue with that while he’s here being the bookworm that he is” said Dean. He then turned back to Sam and gave him a ‘you’ll thank me later’ face.

Then your whole body came into view, you were wearing a tight pair of booty jeans that highlighted your toned and tanned legs and your black tank top that highlighted your collarbone and put you ‘girls’ on display.

Dean then let out a low whistle and said “Who are you and what have you done to Y/N? I mean not that I mind just… Damn Y/N/N, you’ve been hiding this all along?” He then took a few steps around you and said “How could you? I’m hurt, truly”  putting a hand over his heart, feigning being actually hurt.

You chuckled and lightly punched him in the arm and said “Down boy”

“OK ok ok” said Dean as he put his hands up in surrender and started to make his way to the garage.

When Dean left you slowly approached Sam and said“So what are you researching Sam?”

“ I’m umm, I’m looking up if power surges can be linked to the supernatural, there’s been a few deaths that all take place during a power surge” said Sam. He was amazed that he could remember anything with you that close to him and looking like you do.

You then replied quickly with “Oh I think there is, I put away one of the books that speak about a entity that used power manipulation to disorient the victim… The name… ughh what was it?” as you looked up and down the gigantic stacks of books, then grabbing one of the chairs to look at the upper row.

Sam couldn’t even remember his own name because across the table all he could see when he looked up was your toned and perfect ass, in a perfect booty jean short. Thank Chuck that you weren’t looking because he was almost certain that he would get shot down faster than Dean. You voice cut through his moral dilemma.

You then jumped off of the chair and sat in it and you said “ Look I found it! so this is a book written in Italian named ‘Creatures of the Woodlands’ and the English translation is as follows:

‘The man reported a creature that burned like lightning in the night sky approach his wife. His wife and him tried to run away but then they felt a jolt, which paralyzed both of them. The creature then formed a burning stake from its hand and stabbed his wife in the chest, leaving a hand length’s hole in her chest. The creature ran before anyone could capture it.

Three months later around the same area it was sighted again and I was in town to hear of it and I ran to see it. The beast was massive, but I was able to subdue it in tar. The lightning it emits cannot go through tar, so myself and the villagers essentially smothered it in tar and encased it in a stone cave, where it can not hurt anyone anymore. The villagers and I have decided to name this creature ‘The lightning man.’

Sound familiar Sam?”

“Ok I don’t know where to start first, do I start at You Speak Italian? or How Did you know that was the exact creature I was looking for for hours now?” Said Sam.

“Wait he later on describes a man that he met from across the sea talking about a Raiju, maybe related to the Lightning Man” you pondered, now with your legs crossed on the chair and your hands propping up your face on the table.

When you looked up you saw that Sam was looking a bit uncomfortable, you wondered if you had overstepped on helping Sam. You were always worried about what Sam thought about you because you always had feelings for him that you know he wouldn’t reciprocate. You liked how sweet and reserved he is, but a part of you was also curious because you could see a fire in him, but you don’t know when, or if, he will ever show that side of himself to you.

“Did I do something wrong?” You uttered in the most earnest way possible, “I’m sorry if I overstepped, I just love lore like this”

Sam had a confused face and then he blurted out “I just don’t understand how someone can have an such intelligence, strength, and be sexy at the same time”. Sam’s eyes widened as he stared at his computer, praying that was all in his head and that he didn’t say that out loud.

You laughed and then said “okay the intelligence and strength compliments I get, but sexy? me? Pftt nah. I’m not sexy, I’m a hunter, I’m covered in monster guts almost daily, and when that isn’t on me, t-shirts and jeans are. OK?” you then went to get beers for the both of you and returned, resting on one of the smaller bookshelves with your arm as you both spoke.

Sam then accepted the beer and then processed what he just heard. Y/N/N doesn’t think she’s sexy, hah tell that to my dreams, tell that to my brain that can’t process any other word to describe her except for sexy. Sam thought as he sipped his beer.

“What’s your definition of sexy Y/N/N?”said Sam, curious at what you would say in response.

You then answered as you nervously re arranged books in the bookshelf “Well sexy is, a beautiful woman that doesn’t have scars, who wears high heels, and short dresses. A woman that goes out to the club every night, buying mixed drinks and batting her fake eyelashes at every sexy guy she sees. A woman who’s biggest problem in life is what pair of heels go with what dress and what lipstick stays on the longest. That’s sexy”

“So to make this clear, you don’t think your sexy?” Asked Sam, not believing his ears.

“Yes”

“And what makes a sexy man?” Asked Sam as he slowly got up to sit on the edge of the table as you turned around to meet his gaze.

“Well a man that can take care of himself, intelligent, tall, tanned, I love hazel eyes, muscular, someone who’s not afraid to get into the mud if he has to. But most of all, he has to see the things in me that I don’t see in myself, he has to balance me out. I don’t want a loud mouth, ‘flash his smile and watch panties drop’ kind of guy. A sexy guy has the brains, the brawn, and the heart.” said Y/N, hoping that he got the hints that she dropped.

“But you aren’t sexy in your eyes, correct?” Said Sam

“Yes Sam, why is that so hard to believe?” You responded, with a little chuckle.

“Because” Sam then let out a frustrated breath and continued “Ok, listen Y/N, how can I put this? You are incredibly sexy” said Sam,

“No I’m not” you replied

“Oh really?” said Sam as he stood up to his full height. He then grabbed your drink and put it on the table.  

He slowly pinned you to the bookshelf and you could feel his arousal growing.

“If you’re not sexy then why do you do this to me?” Asked Sam as he pushed a little more to show you that he isn’t kidding.

He then leaned down and brushed your hair back  and whispered into your ear “If you’re not sexy then why is it that as much as I want to focus on reading these books, and finding out more information on the Lightning Man, I can’t because all I can think about is all of the ways that I can make you scream my name”

Then you did it.. you moaned, it’s not like you wanted to, your body just did it. You’ve liked Sam for a while so him doing this to you… You were lucky your knees didn’t give out.

“Sounds like you’ve been thinking about me too.” Said Sam as he slowly moved down the lines of your body to cup your ass. He then started to kiss your neck.

Originally posted by pleasingpics

You replied with a “you have no idea ” as you started to let your hands roam his wide and muscular shoulders, loving all of the attention he’s giving to you.

Sam pulled away from your neck and said quickly “I really, really, reaaalllly don’t wanna stop but if you don’t want this I will”

You looked up at him and said in your calm and collected tone, which you had no idea that you even had at this point and said “Sam… if you stop, I will kill you”

Sam chuckled and responded with “Well we can’t have that”, he then took off his flannel shirt and threw it to the opposite end of the table and carried you to his room.

TAG ARMY: @mamaredd123  @impala-dreamer @impalaimagining , @jotink78@nichelle-my-belle @saxxxology @scorpiongirl1 @ilostmyshoe-79@teamfreewillimagines@leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @chelsea072498 @brickwall035 @maui137@mogaruke @jayankles@butiaintgonnaloveem​ @kawaiilivkitty

sam x reader

supernatural

why am i so descriptive

please send help

part 2 will be out soon

steamy

SPN

SPN FANDOM

spn fanfic

SPN Family

97 notes

Aug 10th, 2017

[bjornis]

8 Ways To Increase YouTube Views And Maintain Your Audience

8 Strategies to Increase YouTube Views And Retain Your Audience

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