#my mind and body need a rest

[meteora-writes]

Hiatus

I know I haven’t been updating. Truth is I’ve been too sick and tired to do much of anything. Not sick with anything like covid or the flu, just chronic illness kicking my ass to the point of uselessness. My doctor finally agreed to do actual testing for conditions I likely have, but I’m so broke I can’t get any of it done any time soon. It costs me $22-$24 in taxis for a single visit and I can’t swing that any time soon. Let alone for multiple appointments in a month. Not when I’m making all of $170 a week after taxes.

I think I’ve hit my breaking point. I’m struggling to even shower and feed myself regularly. I can barely take care of my basic needs and some days I wake up so exhausted and miserable I end up just lying in bed hating myself for not being able to even clean my room. I haven’t even tried to write anything for two weeks now because at this point I know that I can’t do it. I can’t get in the headspace to write. I can’t get in the headspace to do anything really.

I barely get my tasks done at work anymore beyond the bare minimum and I know work is judging me for it but I leave every night in physical pain even if I’ve barely done anything and that isn’t good. Sitting in a chair doing mostly nothing all day and then doing 45 minutes of cleaning shouldn’t break me the way it does. But it does and I can’t seem to do anything about it without spending a ton of money I don’t have.

I know I still owe several people commissions. I am so incredibly sorry for that. I want to write them. I have outlines and started docs for several. But nothing comes out of my head when I try. I got one started and got all of 500 words down before my brain sputtered to a halt. I re-wrote it 4 times and the idea always died out at around that point. I don’t know what to do at this point other than stop trying and give my brain a long rest. I’m too sick and too stressed to accomplish anything like this and forcing myself to try is only making things worse.

Hopefully, when I move in a few months it’ll get better. I’ll be living closer to work. I’ll have fewer financial and other responsibilities to worry about. Maybe I’ll be able to recover from some of this burnout and emotional trauma and get back to my old self. Who knows. All I know for now is that I need rest and time and quiet. I need to stop forcing myself to try when I’m just running into a brick wall over and over and making myself worse.

So to those of you waiting for stories I am sorry. I’ve never forgotten what I owe you and I promise one day I will get them done. I just can’t for now and I am deeply ashamed and sorry that I’m making you wait for what I owe you. Please forgive me while I take time to rest and recover.

[ganonfan1995]

Burnt out

[skunkes]

if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.

[localgardenweed]

Also forgot to share this beauty i drew a few days ago

[icewindandboringhorror]

sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:

thing that I already do

thing I have tried 10 times

thing I already do

thing that I don't have the money to do

thing I already do

thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail

thing that is impossible given my situation

thing that doesn't apply to me

thing that I already do

thing I have already tried

hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently

thing I have already done

[dirtytransmasc]

thinking about how Spider was neteyam's big brother. losing my mind. ripping out my hair.

was 'teyam scared of storms or the dark? did he confide these "childish" fears to his big brother? did he get shy with all the attention he got in the village? did he hold Spi's hand when he got nervous?

did Spi have habits with 'teyam like 'teyam had with lo'ak? did Spi mess with his hair or reach for his shoulder or cuff his neck?

did Spi ever worry for 'teyam after he "stepped up" and became the Big Brother when the humans returned? did he worry something would happen to him? did he want to protect him despite being a human? was he proud? did his pride outweigh his fear?

did he think about 'teyam after he was taken? did he wonder where he was and if he was safe?

what was Spi thinking when he saw the bullet hole in his baby brother's back? did he freeze when he saw the blood, when he realized he failed to protect him?

what was 'teyam thinking? when he looked to Spi, did he want him to be the big brother again, did he want to stop being brave and let Spi do it? did he want to say something?

I have so many questions. I don't think my heart could take the answers.

[ferdihound]

im tired of pretending cider isnt sane

HES FUCKING UNHINGED IN MY PERSONAL OPINION

my headcanon is complicated...

ANYWAY, CLOSEUP OF HIS STUPID FACE;... which im very proud of

[goldkirk]

I AM SO GLAD I'M STILL ALIVE FOR ALL THIS

[angelnumber27]

Last night I made a list of all the ways drinking has been negatively effecting me, my relationships, those around me, my body and mind, and my life as a whole recently.

There are 45 separate things listed on there so far

[istherewifiinhell]

The fucking arcane sciences needed inorder to balance all needs for sleep. Insane. Unfair. Cruel.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[euclydya]

being in control has been fun but can someone else take the reigns now

[the-punforgiven]

I'm so deeply conflicted I love giving my ocs masks and armor and I love love love the mystery and anonimity of never revealing their face and leaving it uncertain if they even have a body under there at all but I am also deeply afraid people will imagine my ocs as shrink-wrapped bodybuilder muscle men if I let them stay armored 100% of the time

[graviticdeeds]

I heard somewhere, probably in some streamer’s chat, that End Times from the Outer Wilds OST is pretty good at giving one a mental reset (assuming they’ve played the game ofc)

And you know what, they’re kinda right.

[girlfox]

thinkin' about a dying person willingly offering their memories to ahri to hold onto them as a keepsake ... to not let their life and experiences and memories be forgotten to time. i think she'd use her limited painting skills to draw the simplest but prettiest renditions of their time on runeterra ... i think it'd just mean so much to her, as a creature who once devoured these memories meaninglessly; only serving to fill her belly. as she's grown, ahri has come to appreciate all the facets of life, including human life, and the beauty written in the short, short span of their lives. of course, she doesn't care for just any and all memories ... most are shuffled into the catalogues of her mind, mixed within a thousand other memories she can hardly parse as her own or not any longer, but when a human can truly reach her heart, she does try to honor their memory.

[kuromi-hoemie]

me during my 4 days off: ha ha! weeee! laying in bed is so much fun!

me on the first workday 30 minutes before my shift: i want to draw. i want to do art that would take me at least 5 hours to complete. i want to be so immersed in it that nothing else is able to hold my attention until it is done. i want to submit to the creative forces within me that compel me to express myself. i want