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an-aura-about-you · 3 months

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cracking open a room temperature one (Handbook for Mortals chapter 1) with the boys

when we last left our hero, Scheherazade, who insists on having a nickname that doesn't sound like her name, had just left home after some vague thing her mother did. it's implied that she used magic to keep her stuck in her one horse town, but it's never outright stated and I doubt it will be at this point. it's wild because it honestly doesn't take much for me to side with a kid against their parent in a fictional argument, but you're giving me nothing to work with so I don't honestly know if Dela even did anything that bad.

also I'm upset that Dad is apparently on just the right wavelength to hear the name Zade and guess that it was similar to Scheherazade. but maybe that's one of those parent things like when good ol' Strong Bad told us that a garage sale is more like a garbage sale and made them rhyme. so congrats, you have reached your target audience of nearly 70 year old dads who do things like doing a little dance when they try on a comfy pair of shorts at the store.

anyway, on to Chapter 1: The Magician

-Zade is doing her audition in front of the entire theater company of nearly 200 people. this is ridiculous both in real life and in the story. like isn't that equal to about 2/3rds of the population of the town where she just left? why waste their time when you probably only need to audition in front of like 3-4 people?

-I don't know why Sarem feels the need to explain what show blacks are. I'd be surprised if someone reading this book hasn't seen a piece of media that shows the backstage crew all in black. I guess it kind of works because she takes the time to talk about how she thinks dudes in show blacks are sexy? but like, we know that black clothes are sexy. that's why the concept of the Little Black Dress exists.

-"Most of the performers looked bored." which means you're really making a great first impression. her audition hasn't started yet, but she's already getting off on the wrong foot with her potential coworkers by dragging them to see this when it's clear they'd rather be somewhere else, like getting ready for their next show since a number of them are in full costume.

-the boss of this thing is the "infamous" Charles Spellman, which means it's time to get into word choice! this isn't exactly a wrong word to use here, but I think it has different connotations than what Sarem was going for in this scene. it's kind of like when I watched like half of the opera Doctor Atomic and a song chose to use the word "odor" when talking about a pleasant smell. it's my understanding it was based on a real poem, but odor typically DOESN'T convey a pleasant smell, and I probably would have chosen "scent" or "aroma" instead had it been me. likewise, unless we're talking about Spellman's penchant to date girls his daughter's age, then there's not really anything infamous about him.

-speaking of, we've got a dude named Spellman and his daughter isn't named Sabrina, but it occurred to me tonight that it WOULD have been hella cool and still a subtle reference to Sabrina the Teenage Witch had she been named Zelda. I might just pretend we're reading about Zelda Holder for the rest of this book.

-in the very next paragraph after calling him infamous we're told Spellman is well respected. so which is it?

-the theater is in the round with stadium seating. (she doesn't say stadium seating, she spends like half a page describing stadium seating instead of just calling it stadium seating.) we're keeping this detail in mind for whinging purposes later.

-ok, Zade is talking about how she doesn't know much about her father during the book's introduction to Spellman. HOW was him being her father supposed to be a twist?? there's a difference between planting clues to your twist and just spelling it out for the reader. but then, considering Sarem has been spelling everything else out, I'm surprised I'm not seeing dashes between the letters.

-this girl on Spellman's arm, Sofia, is the Designated Mean Girl, and I'm gonna take a moment to do what Sarem SHOULD have done and think about her like she's a person for a second.

Because here's the thing about writing, guys:

Your characters are not people; they are tools.

Your characters are most successful when they APPEAR to be people instead of tools.

All of the characters you write are you. Yes, you. Not just your designated self-insert. ALL of them. Even the characters that might be based on someone else since they're still going through the filter of your perception of them.

so let's take a look at Sofia with some information that we're going to learn about her later. we know almost immediately in the book that she's Spellman's girlfriend. (she's about to tell it to Zade "coldly and mean even") and if you know how this book ends, she and Spellman will be broken up sometime before the ending because *spoilers* Spellman is gonna marry (possibly remarry?) Zade's mother Dela. this means their relationship is possibly on the rocks at this point. we're also going to learn smartphones exist in this world. considering Sarem's lack of creativity thus far, I wouldn't be surprised if that includes Facebook and thus has info on Spellman's past hookups. also, when Spellman talks to Zade, he doesn't mention being pleased to meet her or anything. he already knows her, and she knew enough to set up this weird ass audition with him.

if I were Sofia, I would be thinking one of three things:

I would think this girl wants my spot considering my boyfriend is respected as a magician but otherwise "infamous" so it's likely known he likes them young.

I would (incorrectly) assume this is Dela and/or another ex and that Spellman is going to leave me for her.

I would (correctly) assume this is Spellman's daughter and she's about to give me shit for banging her dad.

also, there's a scene later in the book when Sofia talks about paying her dues to be in the show. if she and Spellman are close to splitsville, then her illusion is in the show by merit of her actual talent. even if I was banging the boss, I'd be pissed if his kid showed up expecting a position out of pure nepotism when I had rightfully earned my spot initially. all things considered, I would probably be kind of cold in my greeting to her, too, especially since Zade straight up forgets about Sofia by the end of the page. if Zade can't be bothered with Sofia, why should Sofia bother with her?

-Zade is all self-conscious about everybody sizing her up before her audition but like. what do you think happens at an audition? they are literally here to judge you???

-let's just pause the book for several paragraphs while we introduce you to every fucking person who works in this show. because that's a worthwhile use of pages and ink.

-I know from later information that the dude Zeb who's looking at Zade like he's not happy she's here also knows real actual magic. and like, yeah, I'd be pissed off if I had a magic show in Vegas and worked very hard to conceal my true magic ability while still making it work in the show only for this rando from bumfuck, nowhere to come along and just blatantly do magic in front of fucking everyone in the company.

-this probably would have been a good setup if Zade was supposed to be unlikable but I honestly don't think Sarem would have the ability to write an intentionally unlikable protagonist if she wanted to. and considering she literally confirmed Zade is her self-insert mary sue, I doubt she's supposed to be unlikable. though this also leads to the story problem a lot of mary sue stories have: if the protagonist is already perfect, then where is her character arc going to go? (the answer is nowhere.)

-"I do hope you can get this going soon; we all have other things we need to do." wow Zeb really is a magician you guys! he was able to read my mind!

-oh my god everyone is ignoring Zade. I love this.

-oh this is rich, saying the way Trig spoke to her could have sounded very condescending, Miss "Let Me Devote Paragraphs Of This Book Explaining Show Blacks And Stadium Seating."

-Zade takes the time to tell us it bothers her when people say her name wrong like "Zaad" which just makes me wonder how the hell Sarem thinks Scheherazade is pronounced. like, after reading this I tried doing this with my own name since it could be parsed like that, going from Auralie (rhymes with bee) to Lie (rhymes with eye) and I'm just distracted by how wrong it sounds. I'm convinced that Sarem thinks (or thought, idk if she's heard anyone say the name since publishing the book) Scheherazade rhymes with jade because I can't imagine being called Scheherazade, hearing it pronounced correctly by my mother all 25ish years of my life, and then not being bothered if someone said ANY part of it wrong.

-Mac the technical director is very upset that he hasn't been able to do a safety check on Zade's setup for her trick. and yeah, bro is right. I don't care that Zade signed a waiver, this is still one hell of a liability for the entire company because we don't know if or how any of the other acts will be affected by this.

-Zeb is playing on his phone during Zade's audition. clearly he's the most relatable character in the book so far.

-Zade meets a guy that she claims is too attractive for her to date because she wants to be the prettier one in the relationship. this is the first of many of the little things Sarem will sprinkle into the narrative that indicates Zade is not interested in any actual partnerships but instead wants others the way one wants objects.

-I notice that Charles calls Zade's act a "jump" but Zade thinks of it as an "illusion." calling it a jump is the more fitting description. what she does is she uses her Actual Real Magic to turn the stage into some kinda fiery transportation liquid for her to dive into only to reemerge from the nearby pool. she throws a rose down as proof that the stage is solid, but I mean. anyone who comes to see this trick will go, "Oh! There must be some hidden pool for her to dive into and the rose landed on the only solid bit!" like, I used to really REALLY like magic shows as a kid, and if you watch them long enough, you start picking up on some of the sleight of hand they use, start noticing some of the things they do to try drawing your attention away from the mechanics of the trick. the trick as presented is only truly impressive because of its high dive nature even with the magic.

-wow, Zade even points out that a regular audience would think "trapdoor," meaning once again that the magic part of this is pointless since the high dive is the only part a regular audience would find impressive.

-immediately after the trick, Zade throws her rose to Sofia, winks at her, and says, "For the pretty lady." once again putting myself in Sofia's shoes, this is the moment Zade makes it personal, the moment Zade throws down the gauntlet. this would erase any lingering doubts in my mind. as far as I would be concerned, Zade specifically came here with the goal of ousting me from my position in the show and just straight up challenged me for it in front of literally ALL of my coworkers AND my boyfriend. the absolute fucking nerve of her.

-Sofia gives her a fake smile upon receiving the rose. I'm amazed she had the strength to do that because holy shit Zade that wasn't just a bitch move it was a bitch samba.

-"I was starting to realize it was going to be harder to keep our secret from everyone." YOU MEAN YOUR MAGIC? THE MAGIC YOU JUST POINTLESSLY USED FOR YOUR HIGH DIVE ACT? THAT MAGIC? THE SECRET MAGIC THAT YOU JUST SHOWED 200 PEOPLE? IS THAT THE THING YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP SECRET?

-Spellman's assistant Beth tells Zade that the offer in her contract is the biggest she's ever seen Spellman offer. this is just beyond insulting. girl walks into her daddy's theater like she owns the place, does a high dive with some pointless magic sparkles, and then Daddy gives her allllll the money.

in an interview Sarem did for Vulture, she says that she wrote the story so her self-insert could have all the things she wanted. so, what, Sarem wants her dad to give her some money? if the idea is that Zade earned it, that doesn't hold up no matter how you look at it. with the twist built in that Spellman is Zade's father, it's gonna reek of nepotism upon reread no matter what. but let's look at it without that, and let's take a moment to look at Sofia again.

if I had to pick the dynamic I THINK Sarem was going for with Zade and Sofia, then it's probably Elle and Vivian from Legally Blonde. (not that I think Sarem would watch Legally Blonde, but that doesn't mean the example isn't fitting.) Vivian doesn't take Elle seriously and initially tries to humiliate her but eventually comes to respect Elle the longer they know each other and genuinely befriends her. but it's important to point out that the reason Vivian develops that respect for Elle is because:

she sees all the hard work Elle does to actually earn her position on the legal team

Elle is a genuinely kind person who works to uplift others even if they didn't start on such great terms (more on how Zade treats other people especially women later)

Zade is like if Elle showed up to Harvard Law with the necklace from Ace Attorney that's haunted by the Ghost of Lawyers Past that gives her all the legal information she needs to win the case and bigger boobs. that's just the magic equivalent of what Warner did buying his way in.

long story short, the work Sofia puts in to her prestidigitation act is more impressive than Zade's magic, and Zade getting a position in the show is an insult to that hard work.

ugh, and that was only the end of chapter 1.

#aura reads handbook for mortals

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elenyafinwe · 1 year

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"Nidaime-sama, I thank you for this lesson," Shisui said. "I have one more question, even though it doesn't really have anything to do with this. But I've been wondering for a while now why everyone always insists I'm a boy. But I'm not, I'm Shisui."

Tobirama did not answer immediately and pondered this question for quite a while. He didn't feel he was the best person to ask about it.

It was Kakashi who spoke first. "Because people always like to put everything in boxes. People are just like that, they always want to squeeze everything neatly into boxes without paying attention to whether it really fits. So they look at you and judge that you're a boy, and with me they claim I'm a woman without even asking us what we think in the first place."

"But why do they do that?" continued Shisui.

Yes, why did they do that? It occurred to Tobirama that he had never asked that question.

Kakashi shrugged his shoulders. "Education, socialisation, something in our brains that always wants to put everything into categories. I don't know that exactly either. Some even claim that gender is a biological fact, but that's nonsense. They don't even ask other people how they see themselves, but impose an identity on them that they are not. You can safely throw people like that out of your life, nobody needs them."

Itachi tilted his head and thought about it. One of the ravens had found him again and sat cawing on a branch in a nearby tree. Casually, the boy tossed a nut to the animal. It had barely hit the ground before the raven had snatched its morsel.

"But if gender is not a biological fact, what makes me a boy and Shisui not?" asked Itachi then.

"You'll have to ask Shisui that, not me," Kakashi said. "I cannot define for Shisui what makes Shisui's identity. But in general, it can be said that gender is primarily a social construct. Women are treated differently from men and non-binary identities are still ridiculed and dismissed as imaginary by far too many people. Women are expected to dress a certain way and men a different way, and when someone breaks out of that, most people react with irritation. That's the social aspect and none of it has anything remotely to do with sexual organs."

Itachi let these words sink in for a moment. "Then what makes me a boy?"

"No one dictates that to you," Kakashi said. "You can decide that for yourself. If it feels right, then it fits, and if it doesn't, then find something that fits better."

What actually made Tobirama a man? Another question he had never asked. It was what his parents had ascribed to him when he was born, and he had never questioned it. Maybe he should.

"I just want to be Shisui," Shisui said. "It's weird that women are supposed to cook and men are supposed to work and that they're supposed to dress a certain way instead of the way they like best."

"Yes, I also think that the construct of gender as a whole should be abolished. But we as a society are still a long way off." Kakashi dug his hands into his pockets.

"What would we have to do to abolish it?" asked Shisui.

Kakashi shrugged his shoulders. "A revolution."

Ōkami rubbed her head against him. "One step at a time. Everyone should be allowed to be who they want to be, and if someone dislikes you for it, send them to me and I'll eat the person."

This made Shisui and Itachi giggle.

"You laugh, but she means exactly that," Kakashi said deadpan.

As if to confirm his words, she nibbled his hair.

A little excerpt of Underneath the Silence for those who haven’t read my TobiMina timetravel story yet.

And for those who had: I had nothing else to read on my weekend and read my own fanfic, ahem 😅 And while I did so I noticed that at some point and for whatever reason the last paragraphs of chapter 1 got lost. No idea why or how, but I fixed it now.

I plan to continue the story once my lectures are over in two weeks and the stress is a bit less for me. You know what would be cool by then? 200 public bookmarks (currently 197) and 700 kudos (currently 698). Can we manage that? ❤

#my writing #underneath the silence #tobimina #tobirama #minato #kakashi #trans kakashi #shisui #itachi #tobirama senju #senju tobirama #minato namikaze #namikaze minato #kakashi hatake #hatake kakashi

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evernkillian · 1 year

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HP Fanfiction Recs | One- Shot Edition; Part 1

Standard Rec Lists Disclaimers Apply: Please for the love of God read the tags and Author's Note/s, This is NOT the ultimate rec lists or whatever, the fics below are my cup of tea.

Also, I tried my best to make the Quotes I included spoiler free but if you think it is just tell me!

(also, I have more fic recs! Here)

🍄🍄🍄

1. r/AITA by Seagate

G | 2k Words | Hermione / Draco

Summary: A budding relationship seen through the eyes of Reddit posts

Hermione POV. Well, Reddit Post Style. Hermione's a good friend 🥹🥹🥹 Actually, most of her posts are about Harry, seeking advice on how could she make sure that he won't get hurt/make sure that he's in good hands. ALSO ALSO they keep interacting in the comments so READ THEIR USERNAMES IT'S FUNNIER IF U KNEW WHO IT IS. To this day whenever I remember Voldemort's comment I laugh. I love Hermione's characterization- she's loyal, and she takes no shit. I laugh a lot reading this because Hermione sounds so serious but it's funny. Also my favorite quote:

I don't buy it for a second. The kicked puppy look, the lost baby blue eyes, and pouty lips? I was there when he perfected it. When he used the fake remorse to get out of trouble with the professors.

I slammed the door in his face. I'd rather get murdered, thanks.

2. Do Not Collect 200 Dollars by KittySmith

T | 11k Words

Summary: It isn't Voldemort who is reverted to baby form from the Final Super Spell - but why is Harry still alive?

Is Voldemort... cooing?

Crack fic. Like, really crack. I reread this fic when I need a laugh. Voldemort's mind is a beautiful place it's so funny. I love how oblivious Voldemort is with Snape's kidnapping attempts LAUGHING CRYING SOBBING the interactions of these 3 are my favorite parts because of its peak comedy. Voldemort as the most bizarre doting parent ever. Oh, yeah, it's a Voldemort Wins AU. He's just taking care of Harry and researching. What an icon. ALSO MY FAVORITE QUOTE:

He examined the banana he had left consideringly, checking its heft before he threw it directly into Severus’ terrified face with a flat, “Bitch.”

3. Heartbreaking Confession by LiquidLuckandStuff (@liquidluckandstuff )

M | 1k Words | Harry / Tom|Voldemort

Summary: After the war, Harry visits Voldemort's grave after a bad day with a Mind Healer.

He confesses something he is too scared to tell even his closest friends.

Just Harry having a bad day and talking to Voldemort's grave. About Almosts, what ifs, what could've beens. This fic shows that Voldemort and Harry understood each other very much. The ways they've shown it while they're enemies, while one of them is dead. Also my favorite quote!!! It's longer than this, 3 paragraphs but i think that would be too spoiler-y so here it is!

Quietly, Harry whispered a terrible secret. “Sometimes, I want to crawl in there with you."

4. Breaking More Taboos by Destiny_Of_A_Dragon

M | 3k Words | Harry / Voldemort

Summary: The first time Harry broke the taboo, he’d been beyond starving, with little to no choice. The second and third times were much the same.

But the fourth?

That’s when everything changed.

HOLY MOLY THIS FIC!!!! MAKES ME FERAL!!! It's so unique and I've reread it lots of times!!! Can't say more because spoilers but!!! If you've read this scream about it with me. Sadly I can't put my favorite quote here since I don't wanna ruin the surprise factor but!!! Just know I have a lot of them!!!

5. Lightning Heart by Clarisse (transnymphtaire)

G | 1k Words | Harry / Tom

Summary: The first time you touch, a matching symbol is left behind where skin met skin.

ROLE REVERSAL AU!!! DARK LORD HARRY GRRRRRRRR. ALSO GRYFFINDOR TOM. Also Luna's part is brief here but she's a badass I love her. And!!! Harry giving tom gifts for courting. And they're soulmates! Favorite quote:

"Did you know that Gryffindor was my old house?” Harry ask conversationally, as if they’re not under the school, with a mirror hiding the Philosopher’s stone.

“It’s why I chose it over Slytherin.” Tom answers.

🍄🍄🍄

#Fanfic Rec List #Fanfics #HP Fanfics #Fanfic Recs #one shot #one shots #Harry Potter #Harry Potter Fanfiction #fic rec

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magicalara · 2 years

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The Story of Grelle the Reaper: A review by yours truly prt 2

So if you saw part 1 with the prelude hii did you get some water? Are you taking care of yourself? That was 1k words about something that itself was not even 200 and chapter 1 is like 5k words so...yeah. If you haven't seen part 1 to my review, you can find it here.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about nor what The Story of Grelle the Reaper is, then do I have a treat for you. The amazing @eemoo1o-animoo has been writing this origin story for everyone's favorite red reaper (which you can find here). My previous post was about the prelude and this one will be about Chapter 1: She Sells Seashells on the Seashore.

I will add on that I was messaging back and forth with Ell and so some of these things were what she had also brought up and made me think about so there's that too.

Add on from the Em who just finished this: this is a mess, I'm so sorry for anyone who reads this lmao

Okay so overall review, the use of word choice, the whole name thing (I’ll explain further), the dialogue, THE WEATHER, it’s all amazing. This chapter as a whole is a great first chapter to look into Grell’s general life and how he’s been living this whole time. Looking at it as someone trying to see it as a standalone as to be able to show it to a wider audience, it’s great. All the elements that make up an exposition are there. We get to know Grell as a main character as well as his father and mother as part of our main side characters. The dynamic between Grell and his parents individually is well explained and so thought out. All of my thoughts here are gonna be separated differently from the prelude so I’ll explain it now:

If you saw the last analysis, you’d know that it’s a compilation of paragraphs and pointed out quotes and that worked because of how the prelude is written like in terms of length and structure. This one is way too long to fit it all in like that so I’m gonna separate my thoughts into three sections which are named father, mother, and George as the chapter is separated into those three parts naturally already (not named that, though, that’s just what I’ve dubbed them as lol). Each section will be essentially like how I did the other one before with callouts to specific quotes but it will probably be more mixed in and in a paragraph format. Idk as of writing this if I’ll do bullet points, but we’ll find out together. Okay, on to section 1 of chapter 1!

Section 1: Father

So to kick off, I’m gonna first mention the whole name thing that I said I’d explain as well as the pronouns. Grelle, the Grelle that we know, didn’t always know that she was, well, a she. “She” was born a “he” and so chapter 1 gives us that “he”. Here we aren’t with Grelle, we’re with Grell. As such, the name not having the “e” at the end and the pronouns being he/him are very important to note. Moreover, I actually like this choice of not starting with a Grell/e that already knows who they are gender-wise. I know that first instinct would have many want to do just that, but for a formative piece like this, it wouldn’t fit. We aren’t here to see Grelle be the badass we know she is, we’re here for the angst /j.

Anyways, the use of the different versions of Grell is great and I think it’s really important to point out. I know some people may see it and be like “oh but isn’t that disrespectful” and while I am not the best representation of the trans community as a person who doesn’t even really know their own gender, I’d think it’d be disrespectful not to show Grelle as Grell. They can and do co-exist, to some degree. The erasure of one is just as bad as the erasure of the other.

Okay so I’m gonna go in order of just how the fic is written so as to not jump around too much. So the first thing I wanna point out is Grell’s body language in how he’s sitting. He’s described to be “in a much more tense and humble position, hands rubbing together like star cross’d lovers.” There is some wording here that I’m gonna pick at, first being “more…humble position”. First, there’s a power difference here. Grell isn’t in a more humble position just because he’s nervous (though that is a part of it). There’s also the fact that that’s his father and they have been in this position many times before. While I’ve never been fired from a job (knock on wood, thank god, please don’t fire me boss), I can’t imagine the part where I’d have to tell people would be very nice. Seeing how Friedrich sighed before he sat, he probably had to go get Grell too or, at the very least, was close enough to not have to be told like his mother does as mentioned in the future. That less humble position on his father’s side, though, shows who’s in charge which just further displays the power difference. We learn that this isn’t Grell’s first time losing a job later, but I’m sure that this stance has stayed the same since the first time. The nerves are just even higher now because this is just another time where Grell messed up.

The next wording I wanna point out (mainly just because I really like it) is how his hands are described as “rubbing together like star cross’d lovers”. The way that “star cross’d lovers” was spelt immediately jumped out at me and my fellow Em doesn’t do things by accident, not on desktop and not in this story. So, naturally, I looked it up. It comes from Romeo and Juliet, apparently (making a disclaimer here, I don’t like Shakespeare. I don’t like any of his works. I never have, and most likely never will. So yes, I have to look these things up. The Macbeth thing was a fluke because I had to study that god forsaken play two years in a row. Some things I know, but most I don’t so I will instead be going to our friend Google for help. Rant over, back to analyzing). I don’t think it means much story-wise, but it is a little snippet that alludes to how a lot of people think that Grelle is a Shakespeare nut, something which Ell’s notes also agree with. It’s a cute reference, I like it. When I first read it I was like “ha I see what you did there”.

Okay we’re moving on where I start the count of how many times Friedrich calls Grell “my boy” so I can comment on it later. We’re at one.

Grell’s out of work “again” (it is at this moment that this Em regrets using italics for all the quotes bc I’m hand typing them) which signifies what I already said about this not being the first time Grell’s been fired. The difference here, Grell defends himself. We aren’t told of how the other conversations may have gone, but it doesn’t take a genius to look at the words “Grell swallowed hard” and know that this is probably his first time trying to defend himself. This Grell is supposed to be a reflection of Butler Grell™ after all and Butler Grell™ was not the most confident of people let’s say. To keep with that, he also stutters while trying to say it. When I hear it in my head I also imagine that his voice is wobbly too. They don’t have the best relationship, hell they don’t even have a good one. But I’m supposed to be going in order so we’ll come back to this.

The next paragraphs are about the job that dear Grell just lost. There’s weather here, but it’s more just atmosphere things rather than emotional things (though I can argue about how it was this atmosphere that adds onto the lifeless bleak that is how Grell will get to, but I digress). Anyways so they’re (Grell and his former boss Sally Bones) working with fish and I totally understand why Grell’s feeling sick because I would be too. Don’t get me wrong, I like fish when I’m eating it, not when I’m looking at it while freshly dead. As I was reading, I literally felt myself getting nauseous along with Grell so if that was the mission, mission accomplished.

First for this part, the name Sally Bones. It sounds so generic and like something that I’ve heard a million times so I looked it up, as one does, and will now share what I found, as I do. The first thing that would come up no matter how I typed it was a character from a book series called Varjak Paw. Sally, in that context, leads, and I quote from the fan wiki, “the largest group of rogue cats in the city.” Sally Bones…cats….Sally Bones here….fish…hmmm. I don’t know if that was on purpose but if so, I like it and if not, I still like it. Sally Bones is also apparently a totem with blonde hair that people like to write in porta potties but that’s wildly off what’s happening here so there’s just a new piece of information for you.

Continuing on, the fish stuff. While Grell gets fired after seeing the harvest for fish eggs, probably salmon from what I gathered in research but it could be another kind, it’s not said what happens after. I watched a video and, again, I completely understand Grell’s being sick because just bleh. Not for me. I don’t know at the moment if this fish stuff will become important, but I’m keeping it in the back of my mind because pigs did get connected so I’m keeping fish around too.

Okay back to Grell and his father. (For those following along with the fic on another tab, we’re at “I do not care whose fault it was, Grell,”)

And actually, that’s a line I wanna bring up. This is the first of twice that Friedrich says a direct statement of holding back anger. The other time which comes later is a much bigger stretch to say, but can still be said to be out of anger, just in a much more manipulative sense. Friedrich has dealt with all of the times that Grell’s gotten fired and is said to have had to have paid for it too. He’s frustrated, I get it, I can understand where he’s coming from. One thing with Friedrich, though, is he’s a smart man. He knows his way around words and non-verbal language (which in this case relies on tone and body language). As soon as Grell tries to defend himself, Friedrich cuts him off and Grell goes right back to being small again. He remembers his place next to his father and just becomes smaller and smaller as time goes on. It’s even said specifically that Grell bows his head in an accustomed shame. He’s used to this, especially when with his father. This shame comes back in the George section, but we aren’t there yet, so I’ll leave it for then.

Add a count to the Friedrich calls Grell his son counter. And in the sentence he forgets his own son’s age *insert sarcastic woo here*. There’s not much to say, it’s just showing another way that Friedrich is showing his lack of interest with his son (his only son, as we come to learn).

We also get our first look into the development of Grelle and her want for children. Grell doesn’t know it yet, but the insinuation is there and I’m pointing it out. I know your future, Grell, you can’t hide from me.

Okay so this next part is speculation and very iffy and mainly just that Ell told me there was something here and that it starts here with Grell listing out all of the jobs that he had previously. I was told to look at the scene where Grelle is talking about Beast’s death in the anime for Book of Circus. So I did. If we’re talking about speech patterns, then that’s something that I’ll have to keep in the back of my head to see throughout the whole thing. If we’re talking story-wise and what Grelle’s saying rather than how, I’m completely lost lol. My thought process went like this if we’re talking story-wise: scullery maid (that’s what Beast’s mom was), scullery maids are the lowest of the low servants and are assistants who do laborious tasks often working for the kitchen maids and are also the youngest usually, all of Grell’s jobs have something to do with kitchens (milk, eggs, bread, pig) so maybe that’s it. Grelle also calls Beast an “ugly old sow” but I don’t think that connects to anything really other than hey look more mentions of pigs. Essentially, the two things that this could lead to (from what I’ve gathered) are just speaking patterns when it comes to listing, or scullery maid in the kitchens.

We’re not done with this paragraph, though, nope not at all. Two things, then we can move on. First, donkey’s don’t have cud. For those who don’t know, cud chewing happens when an animal's stomach sends food back to the mouth to be chewed a second time. I know that donkey’s don’t chew cud because my mother is Jewish and there are dietary restrictions and stuff and donkeys aren’t allowed to be eaten because they don’t chew cud and don’t have split hooves. So take that baker, you don’t know what you’re talking about. That, or I’m taking this too literally. Oh well…Second! The pigs are back. So Grell “really, truly hated pigs.” but also, as I pointed out in the prelude, there is pig blood on him (or I guess by then, her). Whether this will be a change in heart or profession at some point, or maybe just a murder spree, is something we’ll have to find out as we get closer to the scene from the prelude.

Okay moving on (I’m gonna try and go a bit quicker now bc we’re edging 2.5k words and haven’t moved past section two sjsjsj)! Friedrich starts heavy here with his digs of “wtf is wrong with you” type stuff, especially when he says that “it’s as if you [Grell] intend on not working at all!” Throughout the whole conversation, Friedrich talks down to Grell as if he’s a child rather than a 27 year old which I can understand to an extent but ultimately isn’t the right way to go about everything. There’s a quick interjection about Grell feeling sick again about the image of cutting into an animal to “rearrange his insides” which to me is funny considering we all know how murdery Grelle becomes. It’s with the next paragraph and the next bit of dialogue that really kicks off what I like to call manipulation (also add one to the “my boy” count).

“Not many fathers would be as pliant with you after so many years of this… this… insolence.” That line is so hard hitting because, well, it’s true. A lot of fathers would have thrown him out already; this pattern of not being able to keep jobs just would not stand. Most of all, Grell knows it. He’s nervous because of it, as his dialogue and own body language goes on to say.

Friedrich continues on with his little scolding speech and I won’t pick at every line he says but just know he goes back and forth between the blatant digs while also having that like fake niceness in between. What I will point out for those who saw it and decided not to look it up, what he’s saying in German to Grell is “Damn boy. You will be the death of your family, I know that.” This has a double meaning to it as he means, literally, the death of the family in terms of lineage as Grell is an only child with still no heir of his own and, figuratively, the death of the family if he can’t get his shit together.

We continue on with Friedrich trying to just be like “yeah, we’ll find you something, it’ll be great.” but Grell, having gone through this cycle many times already, doesn’t display the body language that he obviously wants from his child. Grell purposefully makes himself small. Granted, Grell isn’t a very confident person regardless and would probably have issues with generally any and everything he came to do. Word choice I wanna point out here is that Grell is trying to make himself “small and remorseful”. The “remorseful” part specifically makes me think that part of this is Grell playing it up so that this conversation can finally be over and done with. I think that Friedrich picks up on this too which is why he goes in deep and says that he’ll kick Grell out of the house. They say that eyes are the window to the soul, but that “gentle” look in Friedrich’s eyes, I don’t buy it. Does he probably have good intentions inside, yeah, of course he does, that’s his son, his only child. But uh all those scenarios where Grell’s imagining his father throwing him out? Horrendous behavior right there. That tells me a bit differently.

AND THEN HE KEEPS GOING!! Friedrich pulls the “I’m only doing what’s best for you.” card!! And then he goes on and continues to repeat the “not everyone would be like this yk” bullshit and as someone who’s heard the whole “you should be grateful” speech many times, it’s not a tactic of motivation. It’s a tactic of manipulation. Friedrich is manipulative and this is a hill I will die on.

But the conversation moves on and Friedrich dismisses Grell to the kitchen to deliver the news to his mother. The way that Friedrich tells him is absolutely criminal in my opinion, but whatever, I’ve gone off enough about how my initial reactions to this man aren’t positive.

So before I move on to section 2 (omg we’re almost there, it’s real), there are two things I wanna go over. First, the name Friedrich. The rough meaning of it is “peaceful ruler” and the name was first given to a bishop. The last part “ric” can also mean power. He has power over Grell as his father. You see what I’m doing here. Just wanted to say. Also I was told by Ell that Friedrich is a first generation immigrant and that his original last name was Schadenklippe. So I googled the name. I got nothing lol. The page was blank. So I googled it separately. “Schaden” means damage in German and “Klippe” means cliff, so that was a start. Schaden is a verb for doing harm or causing damage. So he causes damage to Grell there, boom, analysis over thank you for coming. No, but, I’m just saying because I had this info given to me so I might as well overthink it.

The other thing is what separates the sections as they naturally are from each other. If you’re on desktop, you might not be able to see it, I know I couldn’t until I was on mobile. But it’s a record. A cinematic record, if you will. If you don’t understand the implications of that then I’ll give you a minute…got it? No? I’m telling you anyway: we’re watching Grelle’s records. This is a confirmed fact Ell confirmed it so it’s real. There was also a possible joke made that this is like Eric who’s watching it which would mean that Eric would have been the one to have reaper Grelle which is like to me the best thing ever. But it could’ve been a joke. Ell is cruel like that with me as I am simply just a lowly puppet on the strings which her big brain is holding up /j (the big brain part, though, that’s true y’all they’ve got some serious brain power).

But this FINALLY leaves us at the end of section 1. Onto section 2 which will be hopefully shorter for your sakes and mine.

Section 2: Mother

Okay I’m gonna try to not make this as long as section 1 was let’s see how well we fare.

First thing’s first, Ell revealed to me Grell’s mother’s name and is allowing me to use it here. Her name is *drum roll* Hilary. So the name Hilary means cheerful or happy and the Greek origins of the name come from the word for gracious. In other words, Hilary is not sad and will be giving us wholesome moments :D until they’re not wholesome anymore, of course, because we all know where this fic is ending up eventually and with all the scenes that Ell has alluded to me about…yeah that’s all I’m gonna say.

So uh remember how I mentioned the weather? Yeah well there wasn’t really any weather in the last section but there is now! It is sunny and nice(ish) out and sunshine means happy times are afoot. Which kinda makes sense considering how Hilary’s name means happiness, after all. The sun is usually used to show positivity and life in literature. Keep this weather in mind as it is here, it really helps set the atmosphere.

Next thing to point out (this is where I’m back to going in order for those following with the fic I’m right after Hilary asking Grell if he thinks the sun will stay out) Grell is a momma’s boy. Rather than tell her the truth which would probably make her sad, he holds out hope that the sun will stay out. This is the first instance of momma’s boy Grell, we see more as it goes on.

So now we’re at the inevitable confrontation. Hilary suggests a celebration for Grell’s job which she doesn’t know he lost yet. The way that she talks about things is just so much different from how Friedrich does, specifically when talking to Grell. I know that the contexts are different; he’s essentially scolding for losing another job while she’s blissfully unaware, but even just the way that Grell mentions how Hilary might react if Friedrich did kick him out shows that she’s most definitely the less harsh of the two parents. Hilary exudes warmth, that’s what I’m trying to say, basically.

I wanna mention an analogy that I forgot to mention here because I think it’s a beautiful way of putting her ignorance and hope: “...suddenly the kitchen felt warm as she smiled at the thought, wrapping the notion in a handkerchief and putting it in her lunchbox of faith.” This is technically about Hilary hoping the sun stays out, but I think it has a deeper meaning in the end. Hilary likes to keep hope out for things, she’s positive about situations, even little ones like the sun staying out. This extends to how she most likely views Grell and his whole, to put it lightly, inability to do much. She wraps the notion of hope in a handkerchief and puts it in her lunchbox of faith. She loves her son, and there’s nothing that’d change that and if something does change that I will start to cry (/hj).

So Grell’s trying to tell his mother, whom he loves so much, that he lost yet another job. And he just can’t do it. He can’t look at the woman he loves most in this world at that moment and tell her that he disappointed the family again. Looking at the comparison of their hands, a mother who loves her son and a son who loves his mother, Grell just can’t bring it to him to tell her. I like the comparison of their hands. 10 PM Em who had a day full of going to a party and so. many. errands. who I know for a fact won’t go back and edit this can’t tell you why, but know that I do.

A lot of this section is just kinda setting up Grell and his momma, particularly Hilary. Her ability to find the positives and be blissfully ignorant, whether from her own will to ignore the bad or just true ignorance to reality, is a contrast from the realist and literal person that is her husband. Grell might have gotten his smarts from his father, but you can tell that a lot of his personality most likely comes from his mother rather. Sure he might not have the childlike wonder or the ignorance, but he has the compassion and empathy, even if we’ve only seen it with his mother up to this point.

There are mentions of birds as well (for those following along we’re at the paragraph which starts “Oh, aren’t they lovely?”), specifically blue and coal tits. Spiritually, the blue tit represents happiness. It can also be an omen of love on the way as it represents love and trust as well. It can even represent the arrival of a bright future. This can be symbolic to how Grell’s future may play out. While we fans of Kuro already know what’s going to eventually happen, and we know it is much less than happiness, I think that there will be pieces of happiness before the fall. In order to fall from a great height, one has to get to that height in the first place, after all. Alternatively, we could ignore the happiness and omens of love and take it solely for the bright future which could be symbolic of her future as a reaper. It’s another fall from a great height, buuuttt, Grelle as a reaper seems to be really good at her job. Sure, William might chastise her for being lazy, but he does the same to Ronald and we know that he’s also a pretty competent reaper. Grelle gets what she needs to do and is a strong reaper, able to go against who is probably the strongest reaper we know of in the series, the Undertaker. Grell has a bright future ahead once he figures out who he really is as Grelle and in the profession of a grim reaper, both which are symbolized by the blue tit. Similarly, robins, which are also mentioned, can represent a myriad of things such as the arrival of new beginnings, redemption, and happiness. Once again, this can be symbolizing an ascension before the fall or Grelle in the future. I’m leaning more towards future Grelle because of the whole new beginnings part, but that’s up to the reader. There are other tits mentioned but I couldn’t find anything about them so we’re leaving it with the blue tit and robin.

With all the beautiful birds, there’s also one that’s mentioned to be disfigured and ugly. Despite that, Hilary still wants to help it out. I want to say that this bird is supposed to represent Grell, in a way. Compared to all the other men his age, he’s disfigured. He doesn’t have a stable job (let alone a job in the first place), a family of his own, not even a wife or girlfriend at the very least. Compared to the rest of society, he’s disfigured. Despite that, his mother still wants the best and wants to help him. All of this feels like foreshadowing to me, but I could be reading into things just way too much. We’ll see as more comes out.

Part 2 and 3 of Grell being a momma’s boy, he cuts the bread for her and later on goes to make a list of groceries for her rather than having her write it herself so he can go get some things that are needed. Hilary has a form of arthritis and so this is just another way that he can help look after her. He’s a good son and I love them so much, they’re so cute. It is a little worrying that it’s mentioned that it shouldn’t be as bad as it is given the time of year, but I’m going to brush over it for now and just keep it in mind for later.

There’s mention of a baker, Hargroves, but I doubt that he’s going to be too important so I won’t do much with him. (His name means “from the hare’s grove”) All that the paragraph really reveals is just more about Hilary’s personality and kindness as she would refuse free food, even from a friend/referenced past lover.

The last thing I wanna point out is the last phrase “sweet in gesture, bitter in procedure.” which is in reference to a kiss that Hilary gives Grell before he leaves to go get the stuff. Like I said before with the hands, 10 PM Em can’t say what and if I figure it out while I sleep I'll come back and edit this and if this is still here, know that I forgot. Okay? Okay. From what I can say right now in my state, Grell loves his mom and so the gesture is sweet, however all the underlying things that he never said or made known makes the whole thing bitter. I’m probably wrong, but that’s what I got.

Section 3: George

Last section woooo! Can you tell I’m losing my mind?

First thing’s first, the weather. It’s back to being grey and gloomy out. This grey and gloomy is probably going to be a recurring thing, not just because that’s the weather in Cornwall but also because it’s symbolism for Grell’s overall being. It’s like how in the prelude it was storming while Grelle was killing herself and how it’s much warmer and sunshiny with Hilary. Grell is just overall grey right now, and the weather reflects that.

The chapter opens with more Grell and Hilary bonding moments from the past and it’s cute, they’re cute, we know this. He’s helping her with her handwriting and we’ve seen Grelle’s handwriting in one of the chapters (I can’t remember which) but it looked really nice so it makes sense that he’d want to help. Hilary also apparently knew a lot of what was going on, which is like cool to me.

Quality control is here now everyone I went to sleep and now it’s the next day and I can properly think. For those wondering, no I’m not going back and editing the previous portions. I think it’s funny to see me descending into madness because I’m weak and can’t stay up past like 11 PM on a good day and function. I’m more functioning now, let’s continue.

So we’re gonna talk hair now because that’s where I left off. I tried looking up the significance of long hair on men in cultures, but I don’t think that that’s where anything is going to connect. Rather, the long hair is significant to Grell/e themselves. When Grell, there isn’t really a reason for him to have his hair long. In the late 18th century, it was commonplace (mainly in the 1780s) for men to lightly powder their hair, but by the 1790s, it was really only something that the older men did. Considering that it’s outright stated that Grell doesn’t like (or at least isn’t fond of) his hair, he doesn’t have a reason to have it long. Honestly, I just thought that Butler Grelle (who this Grell is based off of) had their (?? idk what pronouns to use for Butler Grelle I’m just gonna use they/them) hair long because it would’ve been easier for Grelle herself, but I digress. It doesn’t seem like Grell’s ever had his hair really short, so the fact that he does can either be a surface level keeping his mother (who does seem to like it) happy or a deeper subconscious where it kinda feels right but he can’t figure out why and he doesn’t like it but can’t part with it. Then again, we do know that Grelle has her hair short in the OVA and so the long hair could eventually be cut down to that length to show her moving on from her past, as the cutting of hair usually symbolizes the end of a chapter in life. That one’s probably the most probable.

So now we get into the meat of this section where George and unnamed other man friend of George come across Grell while he’s out. Grell is not ready for this interaction, obviously, and I won’t lie, I was kinda scared reading this part. At first I thought they were gonna be like mean and not friendly at all, which isn’t completely the case. They’re just people who know Friedrich.

George and unnamed man kind of take the whole time to just talk about Grell as if he isn’t right there in front of them. They talk about the struggle to get a job, what he looks like, the fact that he’s pretty quiet (not even saying a word the whole conversation), and even talking about Hilary right there in front of him.

The main reason that Grell doesn’t speak is because of a) the discomfort he’s feeling and b) the overwhelming anxiety coursing through him. He’s become very aware of the fact that his father talks about him and goes through a mess of thoughts as he overthinks it all. In fact, he overthinks everything that’s said to him, a testament to his horrible confidence in himself. Anyways so I’m gonna pick apart what they say about Grell now so bullet point time!

“Your father tells us you’re struggling to get a job.”

Friedrich talks about Grell during his work. We never get clarity on exactly who George and Co. are to him, but it’s people who at the very least have known him for long enough to have known of Grell since he was somewhat younger and have interacted with Friedrich in the near past. Either way, Friedrich talks about Grell during work or just while out and so yeah.

The whole looks like his mother or father thing

When being described as looking similar to his mother, Grell’s happy and gets a genuine blush. At this moment here, before realizing that “he” might not be “him” after all, Grell’s just happy to be compared to his mother in a positive light. He’s described as feeling “lighter” and that it feels like the sun has come out (more weather symbolism where sunshine = happiness = Hilary). Then George says that he’s more like his father and Grell just deflates. There was a post that Ell had reblogged about this scenario too that I connected to this and that one gets to a more subconscious level. Basically, it’d be that Grell liked being compared to his mother over his father because it means that he’s seen in a more feminine way which, as a mtf trans person, would be ideal.

There’s the misunderstanding with Grell shaking his head at his own thoughts and George and Co. thinking he means otherwise, but there isn’t really anything there besides him (Grell) almost speaking but getting interrupted in the end

George and Co. talking about Hilary also doesn’t have much to say except that Grell got somewhat visibly upset

“broad-buckled and like a cryptid he remained.”

This is another way to show Grell not being confident. A lot of times, people will feel huge and like a monster when they don’t fit in (and use it as a reason why they wouldn’t fit in). I’m explaining it poorly, but the best most recent place I can remember it being used is in Taylor Swifts’ MV for Antihero (I think, don’t quote me on that, it’s one of the recent ones) where she’s much bigger sitting in a dining room. The lyrics reflect it as well when she sings “Sometimes, I feel like everybody is a sexy baby/And I’m a monster on the hill”. The feeling is similar to that

“Friedrich said that was his namesake, aye.”

The name Grell means “rough angry.” I have no idea what they’re talking about. But okay.

There’s more to this, but I feel like we need more info on Friedrich in order to make the connection (or at least, I need more info) so it’s another thing going to the back of the mind.

“Have you taken a liking to the family profession, yet, lad?”

Irony. Grell doesn’t like the “visceral mutilation” of his father’s profession. Grelle does. She even finds a wife out of it (Redcliff supremacy idc). It is nice that Friedrich at the very least never pushed Grell into going into the medical business, only using it as a last resort or empty threat, but I still don’t like him very much right now.

Okay we’re at the end now so back to paragraphs. We’re just at where they say that it’s a shame that Grell doesn’t follow in Friedrich’s footsteps as he is a great man. Grell can’t imagine having a similar life as his father as a husband and father himself; it makes him sick to do so, enough to rush away. He states how he’d never feel a true connection with his imaginary kids and it sickens him. Grell does not want to be the man nor person his father is or ever would be. Grell doesn’t want the family (kinda), he doesn’t want the wife he pretends to love, he doesn’t want the strained relationship with his kids. He doesn’t like it, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The only thing wrong here is the expectation that that’s what he needs to succeed. As a person who doesn’t want nor has ever wanted kids of my own, I can relate to the kids part. Constantly I get told that I’ll change my mind when I’m older and I have a partner of my own who does want kids, but I know that that will never happen. Kids aren’t needed to be successful, and neither is a proper family. Unfortunately, the stereotypical family man of the late 1700s is what’s expected of Grell and so he can’t really promote his thinking of otherwise, especially when he’s the one carrying the family reputation in a sense.

~~~

If my over 6k word analysis is to say anything, let it be this, this story is filled with so many things that I love and can’t wait to see where it goes. I’m gonna start a taglist for this, so if you wanna be added, tell me and I’ll add you. And let me know what you all think of my ideas as well or share any ideas you may have!! Comments and asks are open so please, I love talking about this and as the appointed co-number one fan and analyzer, talk to me about it and I will love you forever. Okay that’s all I’m gonna go take a fat nap now haha. Until next chapter!

Taglist: @hobbit-in-kuroshitsuji @superjelly11

#the story of grelle the reaper #tsogtr #em's analysis #em's recs #em's obsessions #kuroshitsuji #kuroshitsuji grelle #kuroshitsuji grell #black butler #black butler grelle #black butler grell #grelle sutcliff #grell sutcliff #analysis #fic analysis

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imnotgoinganywhereok · 2 years

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Happy Sim-post Monday, everyone!! It feels good to be able to breathe and smell through my nose properly. I still have small coughing fits but other than that it’s been splendid!! Mega weird to be sick twice these past two months but I guess that’s Autumn for you... My students (or pupils) are gonna have tests this week, I’m sure they’re very happy about me coming back for that. The school stuff never stops...

[I had a paragraph about my job here but it became an embarrassingly long vent... so if you wanna see it, read it under the cut]

So, about the Owls now!! My fun with university is still here; I really was sleeping on the dormitory system, I love the uni life here (even if romanticised - I guess it’s not as cool IRL). Sure, doing projects and attending classes gets repetitive but it’s because studying just looks like that - between the classes is where the fun hides!! Darby’s Den is a pretty sweet spot for spending the entire day in, even after the classes. It’s very close, has a cafeteria if the Sims are hungry, and a library-like part if they wanna have late study sessions with other students. It’s mega cool!! I really adored how this Commons was built but - just like with the housing - I also renovated it a bit (gave it a bit of a personal touch, I suppose). Since poetry events are held there, I also made a very small place where Sims can sit and listen - of course, they prefer standing.

And this is how the trio spent their second semester. Nothing too special beside me discovering new features of the DLC and the sisters taking up new hobbies and making friends. Socialising really is fun, especially when some roommates stay for longer. Family members like to come over, even from other cities - which might be a lil weird, especially if they don’t have too high a relationship with each other. By the way, earning money by delivering lectures is not worth it in the long run (takes lots of time, gives back little money), but it’s a way to pass time too. Debora certainly likes to teach about Fitness to get others into it. Gizela reads poems in her spare time - not surprising, considering her love for Writing. Blanka still tries to get her first win at a ping-pong game.

Speaking of school stuff!! No, we’re not talking about the Owls yet, hold on. You can skip this paragraph no problem. I need to talk about this - even if it means I’m writing for myself. I just wanna say that I had a revision with my students and the state of Polish education is baffling. This is nothing new for us Polish folk but the thing is that many people really are becoming dumber and dumber. They’re in high school, first graders. We were revising Present Perfect. You could never tell me a person who knows this tense since elementary school (if not since kindergarden) could possibly say stuff like “Oh, the prompt says ‘to be,’ it turns into ‘didn’t were,’ right? ‘My parents didn’t were home last night?’” BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER BELIEVE YOU. But this happened in front of me!! How??? I absolutely understand the mental limits many students can have that can hold them down (my father has troubles learning languages too - because his brain just is like that, and that’s natural) but this is next level!! The sheer oblivious audacity when they hope I’m just gonna... what, surgically put knowledge in their brains without their own input? Crazy!! I was never like this and I can’t comprehend what’s going on nowadays. Another group, second grade. They had to write a short (200 words) informal letter. They were mostly good, I dare to say fantastic! But... See, I don’t have a problem with students with dyslexia, dysgraphia, and other dys-orders: you need a bigger font? Let me change that for you. More time to write? Be my guest. There’s too many exercises with writing and I should swap them for a simpler one? No problem, minister of education. But if you dare say “Why did you suggest I should work on my spelling if I have dyslexia?,” I think you’re gravely mistaken about the reason you are in school, or have the info about your dyslexia in the first place. This is not your golden ticket so you can never bother to spell words properly, and there’s no reason for you not to at least attempt to work on it and improve yourself - even for your own sake. Ehh, y’all would NEVER know how fucked your education system is until you WORK in this environment and see it for yourself. Makes me wanna punch walls and bite everyone who let this happen, not gonna lie :^(

#the sims 4 #discover university #UBrite Commons #commons #gallery #darby the dragon #lobster larry #Joaquin Le Chien

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mlaggarwalsolutions · 1 year

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#aplustopper #paragraphonmyfather #paragraphonmyfather300wordsforkidsstudentsandchildren

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julescollins · 2 years

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Entry 2, Due Date: Week 4 (Jan 30th)

Titles: Tompkins, Chapter 1, ‘Becoming an Effective Literacy Teacher’

Big Takeaway: Effective teachers use learning theories and an understanding of how students learn to balance literacy instruction across all 4 domains, give opportunities for collaboration and differentiation, and create a healthy classroom environment.

Nugget: It was really helpful to just see a list of all the learning theories! I finally have an academic ‘title’ for some of my favorite styles of instruction I experienced in school, such as situated learning theory, which was very beneficial to me as a student.

A paragraph (between 200 and 300 words) narrating your Readerly Exploration that (1)

For this readerly exploration, I chose to explore the world through reading by using texts to answer questions about the world. I made a list of three or four questions about literacy classrooms that came up for me as I read. Then, I did some preliminary research on one of them. My biggest question was about critical literacy. Critical literacy is explained in the textbook as ‘a literacy theory that is designed for students to examine fundamental questions about justice and equity’, and in which ‘language is a means of social action and change’. The book also states that ‘this theory has a political agenda’. In such a politically polarized time, this stood out to me. It made me curious if more politically conservative areas have tried to implement this in their district, and what the result of that could’ve been when conservative parents found out! Upon the implementation of critical literacy, have parents ever pushed back against their kids being taught this theory given its openly political (and therefore controversial) goals? The first thing I did to pursue an answer for this question was look up Pablo Freire, mentioned in the textbook as the man who called for this critical literacy movement. Google results on his name yielded articles saying Freire just wants students to ‘question everything’ and ‘explore new ideas’… and others that say critical literacy encourages teachers to regurgitate ‘woke oppressed narratives’ (which in my perspective, seems to imply that the oppression isn’t true, someone just feels oppressed). Then, I searched up ‘parent guide to critical pedagogy in school’. Tons upon tons of books have been written about how parents can fight back against critical pedagogies like CRT and critical literacy. So, I’ve found my answer - yes, parents are pushing back, and thousands of them! There are hundreds and hundreds of parent reviews for these books and online resources, some of them being: ‘ “Kids are very aggressive now in their views, and pushing kids to other views…if you’re not with us, you’re against us, and you’re the problem.”… “They are making my son feel like a racist because of the pigmentation of his skin”. In this exploration, it was easy to find my answer for sure! I struggled to find information that seemed neutral and unbiased. It was interesting to read parent reviews, and see tons of personal anecdotes of the effects of critical pedagogies in schools. This readerly exploration helped me understand critical literacy at a deeper level, and the ways in which it is actually playing out in implementation. My mastery of course content was deepened because I now grasp the controversies surrounding a very prevalent and current literacy learning theory.

Caption for multimedia: Here are my other questions that I documented, but critical literacy controversies won my interest to research further, so these didn’t get explored. :)

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avanatural · 2 years

Text

Just A Stomach Bug

Summary: Y/N, Dean’s girlfriend, suffers from a stomach bug. Dean suspects that she could be pregnant. Suddenly, he finds himself confronted with the idea of starting a family. Is he going to be a dad?

Pairing: Dean x female Reader

Category: Fluff, angst, implied smut

Word count: 6.2k

Warnings: Mentions of sex, mentions of pregnancy, making out, cursing, mentions of alcohol, mentions of hyperventilation, Dean’s self-hate

A/N: I wrote this for @smellingofpoetry‘s 200 follower celebration. Congratulations again, my friend, and thank you for being so patient about the delay! ❤️ I hope you like my contribution to your writing challenge! 🥰 The paragraph that has been directly inspired by my chosen prompt is marked in bold down below. Divider by the talented @talesmaniac89 😊

Dean Winchester Masterlist

Main Masterlist

"Hey. How's Y/N?", Sam asked, walking into the kitchen. His growing hair floated through the air as he headed straight for the coffee machine. He needed fuel to keep his brain going. The hunter had found a potential shifter case, the details of which seemed particularly bloody, and it was only 8 o’clock in the morning.

Dean was sitting at the small wooden table in the kitchen, a newspaper spread out in front of him. He liked to start his day the old-fashioned way. Coffee, a newspaper, no technology. Today, though, he couldn’t enjoy the simplicity. When his brother asked about Y/N, Dean was dragged away from his very own worries about her, almost like he was being woken up from a bad dream. "Still the same," he sighed, his facial expression transforming into a deep frown.

"Dude, this has been going on for, what, a couple weeks now? You sure it's just a stomach bug?", Sam questioned. He put his coffee mug down on the table and took a seat opposite his brother.

Inquisitive hazel eyes met bewildered green ones.

"What else would it be?", Dean asked. Creases lined his forehead as he tried to follow his younger brother’s train of thought.

“Well… I’ve been thinking…” Sam shrugged his broad shoulders. Subtle steam was rising steadily from his mug as he recounted a few things that had captured his attention over the past few weeks. “She’s been so exhausted lately. She has to puke constantly. And… She hasn’t asked me to pick up tampons for a while.”

Dumbfounded, Dean squinted at his brother, shaking his head. “What’re you sayin’?”

"That maybe it’s… I don’t know, morning sickness?", Sam suggested, carefully pulling his eyebrows up his forehead.

It took Dean a while to process what his brother was saying. The wrinkles on his forehead twitched with confusion. "Wha- OH." As soon as realization hit him, he raised his hands defensively. His emerald eyes grew large, making him look like a cartoon character. The only thing missing was steam coming out of his ears. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second! You think she might be...," he trailed off, making a gesture with his hand so he wouldn't have to say it out loud.

"Pregnant?", Sam finished the question for Dean. Now that he’d said it out loud, the younger brother didn’t seem too sure about it anymore. He pursed his lips, giving it another thought, before adding, "Maybe. I don’t know.” He grabbed his cup of coffee and used it to warm up his hands. “Just a thought.”

Dean gawked at his sibling, opening and closing his mouth a few times. His face turned white as a sheet. "No. No-no-no-no," he started to ramble on, "We've always been careful, I-“

"I really don't want any details, Dean," Sam interrupted, wrinkling his nose, "Maybe you should just talk to her. Make sure."

Instead of following Sam's advice, Dean started to observe Y/N that day. He kept a close eye on her to look for any signs she might actually be pregnant. Any signs that she might be carrying his child. Their child. An actual human being. It was surreal to even think about. The two of them as parents? The thought had honestly never crossed his mind before. It just wasn’t an option. Well, now, perhaps it had to become one.

Later that morning, Dean found Y/N bent over the toilet, emptying the contents of her stomach into the bowl once again. Her face was pale, her hair tousled. He scowled upon seeing her like that. She was obviously feeling miserable, and he wanted nothing more than to take her pain away.

"Sweetheart?", Dean addressed her, his voice gentle as a summer breeze. On unusually clumsy feet, he entered the bathroom. "Hey, you okay?"

Her sunken eyes met his. She shook her head as he carefully crouched down beside her. "Not really," she admitted, sounding like she needed an entire week of sleep.

Dean reached out and soothingly rubbed her lower back. He wanted to show her that he was there for her. Sometimes he was real shit at being an attentive boyfriend, he knew that. It was the reason they’d almost broken up a few months prior. But now, with these suspicions swirling around in his head, he wanted to be a better man for her.

For a few minutes, Dean just sat with his girlfriend, crouching on the floor, caressing her back, trying to give her the comfort she needed.

Finally, Y/N’s tired eyes met his again. “Help me up?”

“Sure. Come on.” He slid his arm around her waist and provided her with the stability that she needed to get back up on her feet. “There you go.” His plump lips pecked the crown of her head as he led her to the sink.

“Thanks,” she grunted and lazily grabbed her toothbrush.

"You need to eat something, Y/N." Dean’s concerned stare didn’t leave her face while she put some toothpaste on her toothbrush.

She shook her head vigorously. The thought of food alone was enough to evoke more nausea. "I will only end up puking again,” she disagreed and started to brush her teeth. The huntress avoided looking at her reflection in the mirror, fearing that she was going to scare herself.

"How about something light? Chicken soup, maybe? I could make some,” Dean offered and rubbed his anxious, sweaty hands together.

Y/N’s gaze found his face in the mirror. The skin around her eyes wrinkled as she smiled around her toothbrush. Dean was truly a sweet guy. No matter how much they argued, he always watched out for her. God, she couldn’t believe that just a few months earlier, they’d almost broken up. Y/N spat out the toothpaste in her mouth and turned to face her boyfriend. "That would be nice. Thank you.”

“Of course,” he replied, wiping his palms against his jeans in a nervous gesture. He was trying to wrap his head around the fact that he may have just witnessed morning sickness.

Holy shit. Life was real crazy sometimes.

"You alright there, Y/N?"

She looked up from the library table, a little bit of drool stuck to the corner of her mouth. Steam was rising from the bowl that Dean placed in front of her. The steam was spiraling into the air in small, delicious waves of fog.

Y/N was resting her head on her hand, pulled back from the verge of sleep by Dean's deep voice. She quickly wiped the drool from her mouth and sat up higher on her chair.

"Yeah, just a little tired," she told him with a clearly exhausted smile and straightened her sore back. Gratefully, she accepted the spoon that Dean handed to her. She could feel his expectant stare on her face as she dipped the spoon into the soup and tasted it. “This is good,” she praised his cooking.

“Awesome. Enjoy.” Dean’s arms swayed back and forth, his hands dangling by his sides like they were lost. Fuck, why the hell was he so awkward? So, what if he’d knocked up his girl? They could handle it. Right?

With a bemused squint, Y/N looked up at him. “Are you gonna join me, or…?”

“Oh! Yeah, sure.” Dean sprang into action and pulled out a chair for himself. Rubbing his palms together, he sat down opposite Y/N. “Listen, uh…” He scratched his chin as he thought about a possible way to approach this conversation. God, why the hell couldn’t his fingers stop fidgeting? “I… I’ve been thinking.”

“Well, that’s a new one for ya.”

“Ha-ha,” Dean retorted with his very best bitch face, “I’m trying to be serious here, okay?”

“Okay. I’m sorry. What have you been thinking?”, Y/N asked and shoved another spoon full of soup into her mouth.

“Uh… This... has been going on for a while, you know?” He emphasized “this” by circling his hands through the air to gesture towards his girlfriend.

“Ugh, I know,” Y/N groaned, “I feel like shit.”

Since he couldn’t find the courage to look her in the eye, Dean stared down at his fumbling fingers. “Do you, uhm, have any idea… why that might be? I mean-“

As if on cue, his phone started to ring. The tunes of classic rock usually indicated that he needed to help someone, which he was more than willing to do, but right now was seriously the worst possible time. “You gotta be kidding me,” he grunted and answered his phone.

Later that night, the couple was lying in bed together. Dean's chest was pressed tightly to Y/N's back. He knew it was sappy, but he’d gotten so used to feeling her warmth next to him at night that he didn’t ever want to sleep without her again. Ever since she’d moved into his room, the nightmares that had tortured him were close to nonexistent.

Tonight, though, he just couldn’t seem to fall asleep. His mind was racing, raging, screaming. Could he really be a dad? Wasn’t he too irresponsible? Too reckless?

Dean planted a kiss on Y/N’s shoulder to check if she was awake. When she didn’t move, he let his hand sneak to her stomach. Holding his breath, he spread his palm across her belly. She still felt the same as usual. Dean was sure he would notice if there was a difference. After all, he knew her gorgeous body better than anyone. He’d spent hours upon hours exploring it, worshipping it. He would be able to tell. Right?

Dean’s muscles stiffened when Y/N suddenly hummed and moved to get more comfortable. Her body molded against his as if she was made specifically for his embrace. Her palm subconsciously covered his hand as she continued sleeping soundly. Her breathing remained slow and steady. The peaceful slumber was a welcome change after her torturous day.

Dean was surprised by the intimacy of their position. How natural it felt to have their hands join on her belly. For the first time ever, he pictured her stomach getting bigger, swelling up as their baby grew inside of her. It was still a surreal thought. But strangely, the thought also held a little piece of comfort. Just for a second, it made him feel like he was a normal guy with a normal girlfriend, about to start a normal life.

Sure, Dean tended to claim that normal was boring. But maybe, just maybe, a normal life could actually be fulfilling.

"So, get this-"

"You found a case?", Y/N interrupted Sam as she stepped into the library on her new fluffy slippers that Dean had gotten her.

A few days had passed by since she’d last vomited. She looked like her usual self again, ready to leave behind the pale, exhausted version of her that had been plagued by nausea.

"Why didn't you guys call me in?", she wondered out loud and narrowed her Y/E/C eyes at the boys. Usually, they spoke to her about the cases they found and let her be part of the discussion.

Dean gave her the eagle eye while she sat down at the table. To his dismay, she seemed fully ready to get involved with the case. He was still concerned about her. She wasn’t puking anymore, thank goodness. But he’d noticed that she was eating more than usual, and weird food combos, too. Like, who actually enjoyed Nutella and pickles? "Because you're supposed to be in bed,” he said, “What are you even doing up?"

In a nonchalant manner, she shrugged her shoulders. "I’m feeling better. Besides, I can't stay in bed all day. I’m bored. You two aren't seriously planning on discussing the case without me?" Folding her hands on the table, she looked back and forth between the two brothers. “So, shifter? What do we got on the guy? Or girl?”

Dean was quick to shut her down, his jaw locked with determination. "You're not coming with us.”

Y/N stared back at her boyfriend with a downturned mouth and a jutted chin. "What?”

"I said, you're not coming. You're in no condition to hunt, Y/N." His voice held finality. The strict look in his emerald eyes communicated just how serious he was about not letting her come along.

An irritated breath of air left Y/N’s mouth. "Okay, I know I haven't exactly been in the best shape these past few weeks. But I’m still a good hunter. I can-“

"You're not going, end of story," Dean cut her off gruffly. He felt a flicker of anger rush through his veins, mixing with his already present concern for Y/N. If she was actually pregnant, they were not putting their kid’s life on the line. It just wasn’t happening.

"What the hell, Dean?”, Y/N barked, her brows snapping together in an annoyed facial expression, “You can't order me around like that. We’ll be fine.”

"You're staying here.” He pointed his finger at the ground to make clear that she was going to stay behind. “You can mope around all you want, Y/N, I ain't takin' you with me.”

With a bitter huff, she got up and left the library, heading straight back to her and Dean’s shared bedroom. The muscles in Sam’s body tensed when Y/N shut the door with a bang. Dean, on the other hand, just groaned and buried his face in his hands.

Y/N was woken up by the sound of the door being opened. She slowly opened her eyes, letting them adjust to the light that came in from the hallway. Once she could properly see, she took notice of Dean’s bowlegs entering the bedroom.

Bending his legs, Dean knelt down beside their bed. “Hey…”

"What time is it?", Y/N asked groggily, her voice still laced with sleep.

"Only a little past eleven. We did some more research, prepared the hunt." Dean inhaled, then sharply released his breath. "Look, I know you’re mad. And I get it. But Sammy and I are gonna hit the road pretty early. About four a.m., so I’m just gonna-”

"So, get in here,” Y/N interrupted and pulled back the sheets to make room for him. “And wake me up before you leave so I can say goodbye."

All Dean could do was to remain still for a moment. Honestly, he’d expected her to be beyond angry about earlier. He was fully prepared to sleep in one of the guest rooms. He had only woken her up to tell her that he would be gone by morning. It was during moments like these that he was astonished by how much she actually cared for him. Y/N had never let him sleep in a guest room before, no matter how many times he’d prepared one for himself.

“Yes, ma’am.” He couldn’t contain the smile on his face, the fluttering in his chest, as he got up to close the door to their bedroom.

Y/N turned on the lamp on the nightstand to make sure that her boyfriend wouldn’t trip over his own feet again. Time and time again, she’d told him to just turn on the main light when he joined her in bed. But in true Winchester fashion, he tended to rather hurt himself than wake her up from a peaceful slumber.

After pulling off his shirts and jeans, Dean climbed under the covers, feeling Y/N’s warmth engulf him. "So, you're not pissed?", he asked after he’d turned off the light on the nightstand.

Y/N placed her head on his bare shoulder. Her hand gently traveled across his torso, sliding from his soft stomach to his defined pecs, over one of his perky nipples to finally rest over his heart. "A little," she confessed, "But I know you just want to protect me. It doesn't mean you're right about this, but you don't deserve to be given the cold shoulder. Especially not when you’re going out there tomorrow.” Her soft lips landed right on his pulse point, gracing him with an affectionate kiss. “I’m sorry about how I reacted earlier.”

“Yeah. Me, too.” Dean pulled her body close and cradled her against him. He felt a lot better knowing his girl would be safe at home while him and Sam went after that shifter.

"Just be careful, okay? Come back to me in one piece,” Y/N requested and buried her face in the crook of his neck.

"I promise. I'll keep in touch, too. You won't even notice that I'm gone,” he spoke quietly and ran his hand through her hair.

She shut her eyes and hummed from deep within her chest. The sensation of Dean brushing his fingers through her hair was one that never failed to soothe her. "I doubt that."

"Hey. I, uh, just wanted to check in with you." Dean pressed the phone to his ear and lowered his voice in a hopeless attempt to stop his brother from eavesdropping.

Y/N chuckled softly into the speaker. "Dean, you already checked in with me earlier. I told you, I’m well taken care of. I spent the whole day with Donna.”

The older Winchester brother scratched his eyebrow and looked to his left. It was Sam’s turn to drive the car. Dean didn’t like giving away driving duty, but he was truly too exhausted to take the wheel. Through the entire hunt, he’d pushed himself a little too hard. The reason? He wanted to get back to Y/N as fast as only humanly possible. “Did you have a good time?”, he asked, supressing a yawn.

“The best. We went on a movie date, you know? Popcorn and greasy dinner included.”

Dean could hear the smile in Y/N’s voice. It made him smile, too. “Do I need to be jealous?”

“Oh, most definitely,” Y/N teased, “You’re gonna have to top that when you’re back.”

“I’ll do my best,” Dean vowed, the smile widening on his face. It had been a while since he’d taken her out on a proper date. Right now, he was thinking local arcade, followed by a round of milkshakes at their favorite diner. “So, what are you up to now?”

“I’m hanging out with my new friend, Netflix,” she answered, “I thought you're on your way back. What's going on?"

Dean had called her every day for the past eight days that he'd been gone. Eight days for a goddamn shapeshifter! The bastard had been sneaky as hell. Despite all the extra effort that he’d put into the hunt, Dean had developed a steady routine of checking in with Y/N daily, as well as sending her countless texts. He couldn't help it, he was constantly thinking about his girl. Scared that he failed to be there for her.

"Nothing. I just... I wanted to hear your voice," Dean explained, pointedly ignoring the way Sam was chuckling to himself in the driver’s seat.

Y/N giggled into the phone. "I love you, too, you dork. Say hi to Sam for me. And get home safe.”

"I missed you," Y/N mumbled against Dean's chest as they rested in bed together, "I'm glad you're okay, babe.”

His arms clenched around her waist in a silent response. He was better at replying physically rather than verbally. That was okay, though, because Y/N could read his body language like a book.

"You missed me, too.” She grinned against his heated skin that smelled like spicy body wash. "You went all stalker on me."

Dean laughed, letting her feel the vibration of his chest against her cheek. "Just wanted to make sure you're alright.”

"Mmh," Y/N hummed and placed her hand on his stubbled cheek. She tilted his head to the side and pressed a loving kiss to his mouth. His lips felt heavenly against her own. So full. So soft.

Dean was longing for her so bad that he didn’t hesitate for a second. He immediately caught her lower lip between his teeth to bite and suck on it. Y/N moaned into the kiss and hooked her leg over Dean’s hip. Soon they spoiled each other’s mouths with lustful strokes of their tongues.

With his lips still attached to hers, Dean rolled on top of her body. A guttural growl escaped him when she reached between them to stroke him through his boxers. Smacking sounds and heavy breaths echoed through their room as their mouths caressed each other in a hungry, bruising kiss. It had been too long since they had been intimate, with the hunt and Y/N's sickness…

Oh, crap. Her sickness.

Could he even have sex with her like he usually did? What if he ended up hurting her? Dammit, out of all the things he’d googled, had he seriously forgotten to look up this vital piece of information?

Due to his inner monologue, Dean's movements slacked, which didn't go unnoticed by his girlfriend.

Y/N broke away from him and let her Y/E/C gaze drift across his face. "You okay?" Lines of worry emerged on her forehead. Soothingly, she brushed her hands up and down his naked back.

He nodded, his cheeks still flushed with yearning. "Yeah. I'm good," he mumbled, "Just, uh, really tired."

Y/N smiled at him and bumped her nose against his scruffy jaw. "I know you are. But that has never stopped us before, now, has it?"

"No. No, it hasn't.” Dean let out a nervous chuckle. He stopped her when she leaned in to kiss him again. "How about we, uh, postpone this, get some sleep?"

A flash of hurt appeared on Y/N's beautiful face, something that Dean never intended to happen. He had never rejected her before.

"Of course. That’s alright.” She managed a small, kiss-swollen smile for him while he rolled off of her. “Good night.” After one last sweet peck to his cheek, she turned around and got comfortable on her pillow. “Sleep well,” she muttered.

Dean, however, knew very well he wasn’t going to get a good night’s sleep. He inched closer to Y/N and brushed some hair away from her delicate neck. He pressed his lips to her skin and left a tender kiss, hoping that she understood his gesture of love. “Good night, Sweetheart.”

"What do you think you're doing?”, Dean instantly demanded when he spotted Y/N in the kitchen.

Her body froze. She’d pressed a beer bottle to her lips, about to take a sip. Surprised by the sudden volume of her boyfriend's voice, she dropped the bottle from her mouth. "What do you mean?"

Dean took the bottle from her hand and placed it on the counter behind her. "Beer? Seriously-", he paused when he spotted the used coffee mug in the sink. His shoulders sagged. His frustration was too heavy to keep them up. "Did you have another cup of coffee?"

"Well, yes-"

A sharp, humorless laugh escaped Dean. He pinched the bridge of his freckled nose. His eyes fell shut for a moment until he’d regained composure. "Come on, you have to know this ain't good."

Y/N shook her head from side to side, bobbing it softly while she examined her boyfriend’s bothered demeanor. "Dean, what's going on?"

"No, you don't get to pretend, okay?" He took a step back, putting some distance between them. "You don't wanna tell me? Fine. But I won't act like I don't know about the little one. Hell, I never expected that you-“

Y/N's eyebrows shot up, her mouth opened, but there were no words coming out at first. Then, finally, she managed to interrupt him. "The little one?", she repeated his words.

"I know you're pregnant," Dean stated, crossing his arms over his puffed-out chest like he'd just revealed the most meaningful secret in the world.

"What?", she whispered, gawking at him. Now, she was the one looking like a cartoon character. Wide eyes, dropped jaw, arched eyebrows. Her ears even turned the slightest shade of pink.

Dean arched one of his eyebrows and threw his hands up. He then let his hands drop and hit his legs with a slapping sound. He’d imagined that once the cat was out of the bag, Y/N would have no other option than to talk to him. "That's all you have to say?"

She took a step forward to reduce the distance between their bodies. "Dean, why would you think that?"

"Why would I-" He jabbed a finger at his own chest. "Why would I think that? The morning sickness, the exhaustion, no more periods, those weird food cravings. I mean, those are typical symptoms, right?"

"We were careful, I-" Y/N's eyes went wide. She paused. Then, her eyes went even wider. "Oh my God. Oh God. Holy shit! I swear, I-I thought it was just a stomach bug. Do you really believe... I could be pregnant?"

"Wait… Whoa. What, you didn't even consider that?", Dean asked, his anger lessening as he witnessed his girlfriend panic. She looked truly terrified. Actually, she looked like she was the Hatchet Man’s next victim in a horror flick.

"No. No, I swear. I thought you were going crazy...," she trailed off, taking unsteady breaths as the idea of being pregnant sank in, "What if it's true, Dean? Oh my God! Shit!" She was about ready to hyperventilate.

"Alright, don't freak out, okay?" Dean stepped forward and took a hold of her hand in an attempt to calm her down. He’d never seen her like this. His other hand moved up to the smooth skin of her cheek. His thumb gently swiped along her cheekbone. “I’m with you,” he muttered.

Her gaze locked onto Dean’s. There was still an alertness in Y/N’s facial expression, but her eyes slowly cleared up. Her boyfriend provided her with enough comfort for her breathing to slow back down.

“Okay?”, Dean whispered, his jade-colored orbs jumping back and forth as he studied her face.

“Okay,” she whispered back.

Dean broke away from Y/N and realized that he was actually shaking himself. They couldn’t go on like this. They needed clarity. “Come on, grab your jacket.”

She squinted at him, her lashes fluttering across her cheeks. "Where are we going?"

"We're getting a test. Now."

"Which one do you want?", Dean asked as they stood by the feminine hygiene section. His hands were sweaty. He couldn’t stop fidgeting and bouncing on the balls of his feet. But he tried not to show it too much in front of Y/N. At least one of them had to remain calm. Right?

"I think we should get more than one," Y/N suggested, hastily grabbing three different pregnancy tests. Better to be safe. Right?

Dean nodded eagerly and placed his hand on her lower back. He wished he could somehow transfer calmness to her body and soothe her nerves. Unfortunately, he felt like he was about to burst with tension himself. “Definitely.”

Together, the couple walked to the register in the front to pay for the tests. Dean didn’t even stop to look at the pies to their right. No, he just kept his hand on her lower back, hoping for… What, exactly?

Y/N stole a glance at her boyfriend, whose forehead was furrowed. Gently, she nudged his side. When their gazes connected with each other, he sent her a reassuring smile and caressed her back in small circles.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Dean told her, surprising himself with how steady his voice sounded all of a sudden. All it took was one close look at Y/N’s face, and he felt more secure. Reflected in her eyes, he could see how strong they were together. They had been through so much. Hell, they had outrun death together. Multiple times. They could raise a child. Couldn’t they? “We got this.”

She responded with an anxious smile and leaned against him. He was like a wall made of comfort and stability. Dean was everything she could ever need.

An old lady sat at the register and scanned their items. Once she recognized the items to be pregnancy tests, she smiled kindly at Dean and Y/N. "Starting a family, you two?", she asked with sparkling eyes, completely unsuspecting of the inner conflicts that the couple was dealing with.

Y/N looked unsure of what to say, so Dean jumped in, wrapping an arm around her middle to remind her of his presence. Of his support. "We're about to find out," he replied with a friendly smile of his own.

"Good luck. You're a lovely couple. Your children will be beautiful," the old lady said.

Dean nodded at her once, the friendly smile not leaving his face. "Thanks, ma’am."

After Y/N had taken all three pregnancy tests, it was time to wait. Who the hell knew two freaking minutes could be that long?

Dean and Y/N stood opposite each other, just waiting for the two minutes to be over. Waiting to find out if they were going to be parents. The tests were placed on the sink, in between the two hunters. He stared at her, and she stared at him. Their fingers twitched. They looked like they were having a shoot-out. Only they didn’t have guns, they had pregnancy tests. And, well, they weren’t trying to kill each other. They weren’t opponents. They were a team. A team that was sweating bullets.

After what seemed like an eternity, the timer on Dean's phone went off, indicating that it was time to look at the results.

With fast hunter reflexes, they each snatched one of the pregnancy tests, not missing a single beat.

"What do you got?", Dean asked, his eyes glued to the white stick in his hand.

"One line. You?"

"Me, too.” A crease appeared between his brows as he pulled them together. “What's that mean?"

Y/N took a look at the test descriptions. Her eyes roamed the letters like her life depended on it. Which, actually, it kind of did. "Negative," she finally answered.

Dean didn't meet her gaze. His forehead remained puckered. He was still studying the negative pregnancy test in his hand when he asked, "And the last one?" Subtly, with dread, he watched out of the corner of his eyes as his girlfriend picked up the final test. His heart clenched with an unrecognizable feeling.

Once she saw the result, Y/N took the deepest breath she could muster. “It’s negative, too. Holy shit!”, she chuckled in an outpour of emotion. She ran a shaky hand through her hair. “That was a close call.” After another round of deep breaths and sighs, Y/N took the tests and threw them in the trash.

The metallic hum of the trashcan traveled through the bathroom and bounced off of the walls. The harsh sounds made Dean want to flinch.

With a smile, Y/N circled her arms around her boyfriend’s neck. "Told you it was just a stomach bug.” She kissed his ample lips, too relieved to catch his lack of reaction.

Dean's green eyes lingered on the trashcan as his girlfriend retreated from the bathroom. A scowl spread across his face. His heart dropped, dragged down by a layer of unsettling emotions that left him paralyzed on the spot.

While assuming that his girlfriend was pregnant, the hunter had let himself get used to it. Used to the thought of having a family of his own with Y/N.

"Hey... You okay?", Y/N asked as she combed her fingers through Dean's hair. They were resting on their memory foam mattress. Their bedroom was barely illuminated by the dimmed light on the nightstand. She loved his hair like this, freshly washed with no products in them. The strands were all fluffy and soft. "You've been so quiet all evening."

He grunted out an, "I'm good." and kept staring at the ceiling.

"You sure? You know you can talk to me, right?"

Dean drew in a long breath. He pulled Y/N close by the waist, hugging her body. His instincts told him to push her away. To avoid the pain. But that was his past self talking. The same self that had acted irresponsibly more times than he could count. Today, he had done right by his girlfriend. That was a good thing, he knew it. But still, he felt like crap. "Yeah, I know."

Y/N pulled away from him and left his embrace with reluctance. She wanted nothing more than to remain in Dean’s arms and pretend like everything was fine. But she knew she couldn’t keep avoiding confrontation. So, instead, she pushed herself up into a seated position. Their cream-colored sheets pooled in her lap. "Then why don't you? I know you, Dean, and something's up with you.” She curled her fingers around his hand. “Is it about the tests I took today?"

Dean was still staring at the ceiling, debating with himself about what to say. His free hand came up to stroke his scruff. Then, finally, he propped himself up against the headboard. He made sure not to lose Y/N’s touch, lacing his fingers through hers. But he didn't face his girlfriend. Instead, he stared down at their joined hands. "I thought you were...," he trailed off and cleared his throat.

"Pregnant?"

He nodded. "All those signs... I was so damn sure," he chuckled bitterly, "And I was terrified." When he finally turned to face her, his eyes had misted over, making them sparkle with the unspoken disappointment he’d carried around all day. "I knew we shouldn't have kids in this life. But I didn't wanna be the kind of guy who...," he sighed, searching for the right words, "I wanted to be there for you. After all, it takes two, right?", he chuckled again.

A gentle, pained smile appeared on Y/N's face. This was Dean pouring out his heart to her - which was truly a rare occurrence for him. The fact alone that he wanted to take responsibility for their child, without a second thought, made her own heart skip a beat. Especially because that wasn't a common reaction for hunters.

"And then I got so caught up in the idea that I found myself… wanting it, I guess,” Dean confessed, "The apple pie life, the whole nine yards.” He wet his dry lips. “I, uh, I even looked up stuff online...” His shoulders raised in a half-shrug and he averted his eyes again. “Then I saw you with that beer bottle, and... I just wanted to protect the little one.”

Y/N squeezed his hand in hers. “I know.”

“I, uh... I kinda pictured that the kid would look like you, you know,” Dean continued with an embarrassed frown masking his face. His cheeks were burning up. He’d pictured a little kid that looked just like Y/N. Same hair. Same smile. Y/E/C eyes that shone even brighter than the sun. He’d pictured that somehow, by giving Y/N a child, he could save that light in her eyes. Make sure that it lived on after they were both gone. The world needed more people like her.

Y/N could feel her own eyes glaze over with tears. Truth be told, she’d pictured their child to look like Dean. A little kid that had adorable freckles, bright green eyes, dirty blonde hair, and a smile that no one could ever stay mad at.

"Then it turned out you weren't even pregnant in the first place.” Dean risked a peek at Y/N, lowering his voice when he got to the root of the issue. “And you... You were relieved." His gaze flickered past her, suddenly drawn to the corner of their bedroom. He couldn’t keep up the eye contact.

"What, you think I wouldn't want that apple pie life with you?" Y/N’s fingers found his cheek. She turned his face to make him look at her, not past her.

His watery eyes were now forced to focus on his girlfriend. His old ways were telling him not to cry, not to be a baby. But he didn’t listen to his old ways. He kept up the eye contact, allowing Y/N to take a look into his heart.

"I didn't mean to hurt you when I brushed it off like that, Dean,” she explained, “That had nothing to do with you. I just...” Her shoulders sunk. “I didn't want to let myself think about it. Because as you said, a family is not an option for us. I mean…” She pushed a scoff out of her mouth. “What if I’m a horrible mom? What if we drag the kid into the hunting business? What if they’re targeted by monsters? Because of us? I wouldn’t…” She folded her free arm over her stomach, giving herself a little half-hug. “I wouldn’t be able to take it.”

Dean blinked at her. "What are you saying?" He pried her arm away from her stomach, prompting her to open herself up further, to make herself even more vulnerable. Then, he pulled her in, gathering her in his arms.

Y/N let him wrap her up in an embrace. His arms were like protective gear. Like armor. "I wasn't relieved that we're not having a baby,” she spoke, “I was relieved that it’s not happening right now. I'm saying that if, by some miracle, we had a chance at a normal life, I'd love to have the whole nine yards with you, Dean. To have a family with you.”

"What if we got out?", Dean blurted, his voice suddenly laced with something other than sadness and disappointment. It was laced with wonder. With hope.

"You think we could get out?", Y/N asked. A deep curiosity was awakening deep inside of her. What would a normal life look like? What would it feel like?

The corners of Dean’s lips turned up. He held on to Y/N like his life depended on it, cocooning her in his warmth. “I’m starting to think we can do anything.”

Tag list: @eevvvaa @waynes-multiverse @myloversgone @deandreamernp @akshi8278 @lyarr24 @flamencodiva @alagalaska @libre1rose8 @katbratsupernaturalwhore @woodworthti666 @deanwanddamons @awkward-and-indecisive @snowlovespie @desimarie12 @golden-hoax @leigh70 @mimzy1994 @impalaslytherin

#dean winchester imagine #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester x you #dean winchester fluff #dean winchester x y/n #dean winchester angst #dean x reader #dean x you #dean x y/n #supernatural imagine #spn imagine

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bemusedlybespectacled · 2 years

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Ok. Level with me here. Im abt to turn 31. I work for the doj but as an analyst not a lawyer, and i want to go to law school. I just think that like. Im too old and mentally out of shape tbh. My current role is a lot of technical reading and data analysis - a lot of SQL and coding and API managing, not as much examination of substantive policy and im not a part of a lot of those policy driven conversations that the attorneys have. I did manage to score ok on the lsat but i just feel Dumb in a big way and its like. I couldnt break 170 on the lsat so im clearly not some hidden lawyer genius. I make (a very modest) 6 figures now and can keep climbing up the ladder in my current role but i just want to test my mettle and sometimes i think i can do it, but then other time reading about the realities of it im like god could i read 200 pages a night? For 3 years? And absorb it? And can my brain be rewired??? Obvi this is such a personal thing and you dont know me but like have you seen others do it as a 2nd career? In ur experience

I'd say about half my class was people over 30 who were coming into law as second careers. Like, one of my classmates was a nurse, two were teachers, and another one was a compliance guy for a factory? Like OSHA compliance and stuff. Not everyone is K-JD and that's okay.

I got a 161 on my LSAT, which is middling. Unless you're planning to go to Harvard, you don't need a super high LSAT score, and no one cares about your LSAT after you get into law school. I can't speak to the reading thing, because I read ~1k words per minute, so I absolutely would do some of my reading on the half hour bus ride to class. But most people are not me and they get through law school just fine.

Also, okay. There are a couple of major skills that you should either be decently good at already or capable of learning that you will need in law school and in practice.

Analysis. A lot of law school is "thinking like a lawyer," which basically means "take this one really complicated scenario and pull out the important bits and then compare those important bits to the elements of a law to see if they match." This is basically your entire first year. It's kind of like being a doctor: your job is to identify the important bits (fever, cough, sneezing, etc.) and the not important bits (what color their clothes are, whether they have a hangnail) to diagnose the disease (fever + cough + sneezing = cold).

Writing (which includes research!). You have no idea how many actual practicing lawyers I have seen who don't know how to cite a case or what a comma is.* I was a journal editor my 3L year and I actually had to have a "how to write an essay" presentation because so many people didn't know what a thesis statement was or how paragraphs work.

Public speaking. Obviously if you're planning on going into something non-litigation, like contracts, this isn't as important, but you should at least be able to answer questions on the spot without panicking and be able to be understood when speaking.**

If all of those things are things you can do or can learn, great!

IMO, it's perfectly fine to go to law school as a second career if all of the following are true:

You are comfortable enough financially to not be able to work full time for three years. This can mean scholarships/student loans, this can mean having a spouse who works, this can mean having rich parents, but you are not going to be able to hold down a 9-5 and do law school at the same time.

You are okay with basically being in college again. Law school is college except everyone can legally drink. That includes things like extracurriculars, parties, cliques, That One Really Annoying Guy In Your Class, lots of studying and taking tests and writing papers and all that. Also, yes, a lot of people talking about politics.

You've got at least a decent idea of what you want to do when you graduate. It's your second career so you should probably have a firmer grasp on what it is you want and how to get there than someone who's never worked, which includes what classes to take and what extracurriculars you should be in. You might want to throw in some stuff to be well-rounded (especially if you end up changing practice areas***) but having at least some goal is important.

All that said: you don't need to do it just to prove that you can. PLEASE don't do it just to prove that you can. Plenty of extremely intelligent people are not lawyers and there are a lot of lawyers who are total dumbasses. It's a job with a specific skillset, but so are plenty of other jobs. If any of what I just talked about isn't something you think you'd enjoy doing all day, every day, for the rest of your life, YOU DON'T NEED TO, I PROMISE.

* Also, yes, I absolutely make fun of those people in private. There is no greater cure for imposter syndrome than to read something an actual practicing lawyer actually wrote, for realsies, and think, "Well, I can't be the worst lawyer in the world, because at least I don't write like that."

** Look, I have horror stories.

** I did not take any public speaking classes or family law classes in law school and I ended up in family law litigation instead of in nice, litigation-free immigration like I wanted to.

#bb is a lawyer #askbox #ask me shit #lawblr #real lawblr

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norarigby · 3 years

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フェア関西のルームメイト二名 (The Two Roommates from Fair Kansai)

Chapter 2: The Typo

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Description: In which while typing a roommate ad online, the famed Miya Atsumu, (23) MSBY Jackals Setter, makes a detrimental typo that leads to an influx of women applicants. Confused, but not completely opposed (the idiot), Miya Atsumu lands on a formidable candidate. Y/n L/n. A Biotechnology major at Kansai University, looking for a change after her last disastrous roommates and some space from a particular complication. It’s odd, but it’ll work. Maybe a little too well.

Pairings: Miya Atsumu x Reader

Warnings: None!

Word Count: ~1.4k

A/n: Cross posted from my AO3. I update there first, so if you want the chapters sooner, check it out!

To say Atsumu was overwhelmed would be an understatement. When one of the athletic directors approached him saying how his phone kept going off in the locker room, he was concerned something was seriously wrong. As a precaution, they assure him that if it was an emergency that he should feel free to take the day. But upon closer inspection, he quickly realized that wouldn’t be necessary. He scrolled through what seemed like pages of messages and missed calls about the ad. And not just any inquiries, but…

“ALL WOMEN!” Atsumu exclaimed loudly in the busy shop. A few annoyed heads turned to the source of the outburst.

Osamu rolled his eyes, “‘Tsumu, we talked about this. Having you come during busy hours is already enough of a nuisance, but could you keep it down? This is still a public place.”

“But ‘Samu! What am I going to do?” Atsumu whisper-shouted like it would help his outburst, but it still elicited a few head turns, “I already didn’t want to room with a stranger! And now all of the applicants are girls? This has to be some sort of joke.”

Osamu helped with the line and handed out a few orders to customers before focusing some energy on his dramatic brother. “Well, did you specify that you were only looking for male roommate?”

Atsumu picked at the stray rice grains on his plate as he tried to remember what he wrote. He couldn’t remember specifying anything about the roommate themselves; focusing mainly on the apartment itself. He voiced his thoughts to his brother.

“Hmm, well Atsumu can be a girl's name. Maybe that’s why?”

He tried not to be offended at his brother’s comment, mainly because he was partially right. It’s possible that they’re assuming he’s a girl. But that doesn’t make entire sense either. Is it possible his fan club found the posting? That seemed pretty possible. Atsumu knew fangirls could get crazy when they wanted to be.

Osamu finished some things behind the bar and went over to sit by Atsumu. The two contemplated his conundrum over a fresh plate of onigiri. After Osamu’s second, he spoke up, “Just for science, can I see your ad?”

Atsumu gave him an incredulous look, but pulled up the ad anyway, “I mean, sure, but I don’t think-”

At Atsumu’s sudden silence, Osamu’s curiosity was piqued, “”Tsumu? Everything okay?”

Wordlessly he handed the phone over and Osamu read through the ad. Immediately after reading, he burst into laughter.

“‘Samu! This isn’t funny!”

But Osamu was laughing so hard he couldn’t even speak. Some of his employees turned out of concern and curiosity at their boss’ sudden burst. Eventually, he calmed down enough to choke out a “you are in some trouble, ‘Tsumu”.

Roommate Wanted.

Master Bedroom available with a private bath in a 100 sq m apartment in Osaka. In-unit wash, AC, dishwasher, internet, etc. Fully furnished (besides bedroom available). Rent with utilities is 62784¥. Near public transportation. Feel free to contact with questions or offers.

06-XXXX-XXXX

Text/Call

Miya Atsumi

“Alright, that wraps it up for today. Finish the calculations on your own time and be sure to bring back your completed form by next class. See you Tuesday!”

The sound of chairs scraping against the floor harmonized with the zipping and unzipping of backpacks as the classroom got up to leave. Y/n pulled out her phone to finally check her messages.

From: Mom

Found a listing in Osaka that looks interesting. Good apartment with really good pricing. You should give them a call.

(link)

Y/n typed a quick thank you before clicking on the link. Her mom was right. It looked like a decent location and a not too bad price. Trying to look for any information on the roommate (roommates?), all she could see was a number and a name at the bottom of the ad. What a strange listing. It was probably the shortest listing she’d ever come across--and definitely the most to the point.

Y/n sat and stared at the listing for a little bit while weighing her options. She just got out of an interesting situation in Suita, but she was now living with her parents. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but both her and her parents weren’t exactly jumping at the idea of her moving back in, especially with her graduating college next year.

Making up her mind, she copied the number and sent a quick text to the number on the ad. A silent prayer was sent to whoever was listening. This wouldn’t fix all of her problems, but this would solve a big one and she swore she would be able to handle the rest.

“And you told me I was loud,” Now Atsumu was getting antsy about the amount of people staring at his hysteric brother. “”Samu, you need to calm down.”

This had been going on for at least ten minutes now. Osamu would read through the ad, get sent into a fit of laughter, finally calm down, but then would read it again and the cycle would start all over again. Not used to being the responsible twin, in addition to being extremely embarrassed by his brother’s reaction to his typo, Atsumu was at a loss for what to do. He tried sending reassuring smiles to patrons and mumbled some apologies, but that was the extent of his capabilities.

Finally, Osamu calmed down and pushed Atsumu’s phone back to him. Taking a deep breath to compose himself, Osamu tried to console his brother, “Hey, maybe this won’t be such a bad thing. Surely, there’s at least one of those girls that you could at least be civil with.”

Atsumu scrolled through his messages again, exacerbated, “Even if that’s true! There’s too many! I don’t really have the time to sit and go through all of these.”

There were at least 100 people who had responded to his ad and where the messages definitely weren’t flooding in as much as they had earlier that day, he would get a notification about once every 15-20 minutes. By the time he got through the original applicants, there would be another 100-200 to take their place. In between practice and conditioning, there was no way Atsumu was going to be able to get through these all by himself.

“Tell you what,” Osamu leaned back in the chair he was sitting in, “Since this was partially my idea, I’ll help you tonight after I close up. And if we can’t find anyone, I’ll help you write up a better listing and we can delete this one.”

Atsumu’s other issue with all of these applicants is that he really didn’t want to spend energy looking through dozens of descriptions and deciding if he would like them or not. He assumed it would be like the dating app he had for a couple weeks, but worse. Atsumu really didn’t like the idea of judging someone based on a single paragraph they wrote about themselves. He preferred a more personal approach. Like with the various spikers and teammates he’d played with over the years, he was really good at reading people in person. Within a short conversation, he could pretty accurately lay out a person’s personality (what things they might like, what might make them tick, what things they were indifferent to). Over the internet it was much more difficult.

He guessed he could always ask them to meet in person, right? That was something people did. They could meet at his brother’s restaurant so then Osamu could get a feel for the other person. Atsumu figured it would also get one glaring issue out of the way: he was a guy.

It was a fool proof plan. Osamu and him would sort through the applicants tonight and he would invite them to meet him in person. This way he can see if it’s going to work or not and if they aren’t comfortable with rooming with a guy they can just leave. Genius!

Atsumu recounted his plan to his brother and Osamu was in agreement. With that, the blonde brother left to go to afternoon conditioning, planning on returning just before close to sneak in a few more onigiri from his brother before the long haul.

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mybg3notebook · 3 years

Text

Astarion and Power - Part 2

Disclaimer Game Version: All these analyses were made up to the game version v4.1.101.4425. As long as new content is added, and as long as I have free time for that, I will try to keep updating this information.

Additional disclaimers about meta-knowledge and interpretations in (post)

The number between brackets [] represents the topic-block related to (this post), which gathers as much evidence as I could get.

Astarion: abuser / victim

Disclaimer about interpretation victim/abuser: I’m not a fan of bringing the allegory to the plain explicit comparison with serious stuff from real life, but the fandom seems to focus a lot on this aspect and therefore I would like to share my opinion on it. This topic may be sensitive for some people. Be aware of it.

If we are going to engage into the comparison abuser/victim, from the section (Backstory: Mortal Astarion) we can assume that mortal Astarion was developed as an abuser so far the facts we got from the game/interviews. There is little doubt about it with the bits of information we have in EA. Maybe the full game or a retcon of his past may change this in the future.

As a vampire spawn, Astarion presents a duality abuser-victim that comes from the archetype of the “bad behaved victim”.

(Squeezing him in the shoulder. You try to connect, to let him know he's not alone- but he twists like a snake.) “No, I don't need your pity. I don't need anything from you. Go back to your wet dreams and leave me be.''

As a slave under Cazador’s power, humiliated and physically and psychologically tortured, he becomes a victim. He displays many of the most common behaviours of traumatised survivors: dismissal of the actions he suffered (humiliation and cruelty), sensitivity or violent rejection of gestures of pity, paranoia (for the abuser to appear at any moment), reiterative dreams focused on the abuser or their tortures, pride that may reach into arrogance of having survived tough situations. Considering that survival mode is his default, he can turn any of these aspects into tools to manipulate any potential benefactor (he may care little about). As long as he has a protector, he would do anything at his disposal to keep pleasant and agreeable to that benefactor (this characteristic is a permanent, constant, and obvious trait in his character).

But he is not a mere victim, he is also an abuser. And this aspect has been studied in psychology and sociology: it’s not a surprise that a good amount of abusers were victims before. There is a psychological process that can make victims prone to harness as much power as they can in order to avoid the abuse, and in doing so they become abusers. The fact that they can inflict similar or the same trauma on someone else, shifts the power imbalance they had always perceived in their life: the ex victim—now abuser—finds psychological relief. They find a way to perceive themselves as not powerless anymore, and this process can cross limits, making them enjoy when causing the same torture they suffered before. This is the (extremely brief and simplified) process known as the transformation of victim to victimiser (in a general violence-related way, not necessarily focused on sexual abuse), which tends to affect, so far the statistics show, a group of victims.

With this brief introduction of the topic from the real life (this is why I dislike so much these comparisons, serious stuff brought into a fantasy world always feels like dismissing the real life issue) we can understand that Astarion has acquired a twisted taste to enjoy the same torments he suffered on himself, but applied on creatures he considers lesser: animals and weak creatures [3,4,6,7,11]. There is pride in his survival [14]: he follows the philosophy: “if I could survive it, you could do it too, otherwise, you must perish”.

He enjoys humiliation [6,10], despite being one of the most sensitive aspects that could trigger a violent reaction in him when Tav tries to humiliate him (dialogue about the Bedchamber Master). He enjoys the power he can have over others, over their wills [11], and aspires to have the control of the tadpole, at first to be free of Cazador’s influence, but as long as the game progresses, his intentions become clearer: he wants to control the tadpole to become powerful: the most powerful vampire of Faerun and bend everyone’s will [12]. This aspect is also ironic and hypocritical since Astarion displays violent reactions against mind control or against any intervention of his mind, so it’s something that triggers him in particular (video here).

He also has a taste to enjoy cruelty on animals [4], maybe because of all the resentment he has against them for having been the only means to sustain himself (he is directing his cruelty and hatred to the wrong group of living creatures though). And he also finds entertainment in murder and bloodshed [2,3,13], just because of it, most probably because all these abuses are proofs that he is now “more powerful” than those suffering it. However, part of this could be explained due to the Dark Desires element of the vampirism, to be fair. But considering Astarion’s backstory, I would say that vampirism only deepens his already evil traits.

Also, as a comment aside, I like to highlight how all this characterisation defies the romantisation of the archetype of the “good victim”. A good victim is—explaining it briefly and oversimplified—the one who encourages to spread goodness, self-sacrifice; their pain is hidden and/or used to improve, tends to be a highly empathetic person in front of similar abuses they suffered. It’s the antipode of the “bad behaved victim.” Which is basically all what we see in Astarion: selfish, violent, whimsical, cruel, psychopath.

In conclusion, we can see Astarion as a vampire spawn who embodies the duality of Victim-Abuser.

However I would like to note that this is not a char where we can see how the victim becomes an abuser exclusively. In Astarion’s case, it is even more twisted because in his past he was a victimiser. His character lies on a Schrodinger duality: he was an abuser when he was mortal, he is an abuser and a victim at the same time as a vampire spawn (his torments can be understood as poetic justice since Astarion embodied the—corrupt—Justice himself), and he aspires to retake his abuser position in the future (so far EA allowed us to see it or the description of his characters in Larian’s web page), enjoying all the potential that the power of the tadpole can give him to “bend the will of others''.

Astarion’s story represents topics that should allow us to think about how abusers are created, how they could also be victims, and how victims are not always free of evilness. Astarion also embodies the concept of how far punishment makes sense, how you can punish the abuse if there is no justice, how to punish evilness when it’s placed to have control of the Justice itself. How could we understand the punishment of evil creatures when there is no repent but a deepening of their evil nature? And finally… Would any victim not desire for their abuser to have a punishment like Astarion’s?

I like to think that Cazador also represents the “modern prison system”, where criminals are gathered in panoptic structures (in this case, Astarion’s mind), tortured in many ways, while society expects them to recover. There is also the concept of how and when recovery is not possible anymore, because let’s be honest, saving people from dark paths is not always possible. Real life psychopath, serial rapists, and a broad amount of creatures who revel in torture and murder are beyond salvation. If we consider Cazador and Astarion as mirrored figures, it makes us think about how much of all of his story is about the eternal cycle of violence and about evilness without salvation. Also, this reflection of one on the other makes us believe that if there is no salvation for Cazador, there shouldn't be salvation for Astarion either; if Astarion can be saved… Cazador should too (after all, we don’t know anything about Cazador’s story). So many things to think about.

All these aspects and topics to think about are what make Cazador-Astarion dynamics worth understanding with a realistic and dark perspective of evilness, without woobifying Astarion as sadly a big part of his fandom does.

As a note of colour to finish this section, it’s interesting to re-read the paragraph I had written in the first part (Astarion and Power - Part 1) where I briefly described Cazador. If we replace Cazador by the word Astarion we will obtain a curious result:

>>>Astarion has a particular pleasure for control, especially the one related to people’s will (we can see this pleasure progresses over time, increasing it. His need for freedom turns slowly into wanting to have control on everyone, because with power he can do everything he wants to). He enjoys cruelty, humiliation, and torture (read the analysis post done (here), there are dozens of facts showing it). He enjoys playing psychologically with his victims. He also likes to give false hope, making his victims believe that there is hope, removing it right in front of them (the Arabella’s approvals about making her parents believe she is alive when she is not, Mayrina’s hope of reviving her husband).

There are so many questions left in the air: has Cazador imparted Justice? Is 200 years too long for a punishment? I don’t believe there is an easy answer here. First, because we are mixing serious real-life dynamics in a fantasy setup, with the twisted componen of vampirism (a fantasy element always considered an allegory of abuse, power, and rape) and second, despite the analogy is there, and the comparison can be done lightly, Astarion has a particular backstory, with a particular amount of meta-knowledge that makes those answers even more complicated.

Astarion’s Pain and Shallowness

Back scars scene (full Datamining info)

A pair of videos that pjenn has posted about Astarion’s scars on his back (1) (2) shows that he needs help to read it since he can’t see it in reflective surfaces due to his vampire nature. We get from the narrator:

* He might be sneering, but you can see pain in his eyes. He needs help, but doesn’t know how to ask. *

What we can infer from this is that Astarion, whether mortal or spawn, never asked for help, and if this is true, I’m confused. If he truly doesn’t know how to ask for help… what had been happening with all the previous interactions he had with Tav? Implicitly asking for help against Cazador? The only answer I have to explain why 25 hours of game with Astarion asking for help against Cazador are suddenly erased and now “he doesn’t know how to ask to”, is that all those 25 hrs are about manipulation. Not a true, honest, clean asking for help. There is not much to say about this scene since it’s entirely under work so far.

Mirror scene (full Datamining info)

This scene is mostly about vanity and, again, manipulation.

He doesn't remember the colour of his eyes, and he barely remembers his face. As a vampire, he can‘t see his projection nor cast shadows. He explicitly says that he misses vanity, and even though it may be an honest loss he feels, he doesn’t miss the opportunity to use this moment as another hook to throw at Tav to keep them under his control as well as testing how deep his charm has reached Tav (If Tav shows appreciation, Astarion knows he keeps them under his thumb).

This scene basically shows that, even though evil characters/abusers also suffer (maybe the game would make us reflect eventually about Cazador’s pain?), and Astarion is stating his pain for losing things he appreciated: petty vanity (he can’t see himself in a mirror) and his memories (he has no memory of the colour of his eyes and his face is vague), he is still using all these moments to keep on working on his survival manipulation:

“(Vanity) is an indulgence, I’ll grant you that, but a weakness? A well-presented face can open a lot of doors.”

He has a personal drama, as he stated it at first, and the focus of all his conversation is always about how what he lost was a means for an end too.

If Tav is the one engaging into being his Mirror, Astarion engages to appraise the reach of his presence in Tav. If Tav simply states it’s a decent face, Astarion will push the engagement for that appraisal. If you mock him about his age and skin, he won’t be offended (after all the moment is not meaningful for him, it’s shallow), and he would insist on a proper praise, because he is trying to taste the ground.

The moment was meant to be used, and Astarion did it. It was not special to him:

"Mirrors are not much use, but being reflected in someone's else's eyes? I could do much worse.

If we do not derail the conversation in the funny moments where you can mock his beauty, age and skin, we keep gathering more information about what Astarion values the most:

Tav: “Is it all what you want? shallow praise?” Astarion: "Hardly, there is also gold, sex, revenge, quite the list, really. But failing any of those, I will always settle for shallow praise."

There is another option in this scene where Tav says that vanity is a reasonable price for vampire powers, but for once, Astarion is not so eager about this power, because it comes with Cazador. He knows that the price is way much bigger.

Tav: “Vanity is a small price to pay to have vampire powers”. Astarion: "To you. To me it's just another thing that Cazador took from me".

The only moment when you can get a more emotional reaction is when you mock him about age/beauty/skin. That is how shallow this scene is. If you are a githyanki and your compliments are a list of raw facts about his persona, even if they are good or bad, Astarion can’t appraise Tav with that, and gets frustrated.

Personally I think this scene has little value per se beyond the comedy, and even less value in terms of lore when you have Disguise spell available for so many characters. Anyone can disguise themselves as Astarion and he would finally see what he looks like… so… more reasons to show how cheap and shallow this scene is. Maybe that was the intention. Maybe it needs more work since, after all, it’s datamining info. There is not much to say about this scene since it’s entirely under work so far.

The concept of Redemption/endings

Among the (Datamined information) we have a set of gems under the name of Drunk bear (1) (2) (3) scenes, which speak more about Astarion and his relationship with Cazador and Power.

Tav: “You can start over. You can be better than what he made you.”

Ast: “Exactly. I can be better than him. Stronger, more powerful, more- oh, you meant “be kinder”? Pet bunnies, that sort of thing? I’ve no objection to being nice, of course. Once I have the power to bend others to my will.

T: “You think power lets you do anything free from consequences?”

A: “Well… yes. You can’t look at the world and tell me I’m wrong.”

T: “The strong have a duty to protect the weak”

A: “They’re doing a piss poor job, then. The strong had two centuries to pluck me from torture, but no one came. No, it was the mind flayers that rescued me. They gave me a gift: the strength to take my own freedom. I’m embracing this power- you should too.”

T: “You are free now. That’s what matters.”

A: “Is it? What good is freedom if I'm always watching in the shadows? No. I will be safe when I'm powerful enough to grind cazador into the dust. Powerful enough to do whatever the hell I want.”

T: “Power corrupts. You’d do well to remember that.”

A: “Oh I hope so. A little corruption sounds fun. I spent centuries as the victim of a corrupt man. It was the mind flayers that plucked me away from that.”

So far we see in this scene, Astarion reinforces his evilness, his desire for power, not just enough to save himself from Cazador’s claws, but to control other people, even though mind control is a triggering effect when it affects his own will. I believe in this interaction we see the contrast of the story that Astarion narrates mainly: the abuser who found a more powerful abuser. We shouldn’t forget he comes from a past where he was a corrupt magistrate. These words have almost a hypocrite meaning here. Astarion was a magistrate, by definition, someone who held power and should have helped those in despair, but he was corrupt and did not care. When he became a spawn, he ended up on the other side of the imbalanced power. He was the one asking for a powerful entity to help him, and none came, suffering a similar fate of despair than those who sought in him the concept of Justice and Power Used For Fairness. Like Astarion’s victims found freedom when a twisted creature like Cazador was incorporated into this situation, Astarion was free when the Mind flayers saved him from Cazador.

I will not repeat this again: Astarion, so far in Early Access, looks like the story that could explain why Cazador is who he is. These scenes bring once more, another of the many proofs along the game where we see that Astarion has not learnt anything from his torment, he has not improved, he has turned into a more twisted and evil man than he was when he was a mortal magistrate, and there is no intentions to become a little more sympathetic.

This brings me to think that, at least in EA, glimpses of future paths for Astarion may all be related to different degrees of evilness.

First of all, we need to remember that Astarion is an evil character, and if we assume that what Sven said in several interviews doesn’t change, Larian is going to break the style this worked in bg1 and bg2, not making big shifting of the alignment in companions. For this reason I think these endings would entitle variations of evilness.

Astarion keeps repeating over and over his opinion about power as the only means to have access to his freedom. And as long the game evolves, he began to reinforce the importance of having power to “do whatever he wants”. Considering his tastes (how much he enjoys cruelty and bloodshed) we can agree that Astarion “doing whatever he wants” is not a good thing for Faerûn. He finds murdering a fine show, an entertainment. Certainly Astarion is a child of Bhaal in his fullest.

He even mocks Tav when they comment about looking for self-improvement. “I can be better than him. Stronger, more powerful, more- oh, you meant “be kinder”? (...) Once I have the power to bend others to my will.” This is Cazador speaking.

So, considering these details, I would suggest (predict is a too strong a word for this) that we have chances to three different kinds of endings and their variations:

The first one, screaming in all what Astarion does: Astarion becomes a full vampire and ends up as the next Cazador. If his approval is high (or some hidden requirement is met) he can turn his lover into another full vampire. If these requirements are not met, in a spawn, repeating the cycle that Astarion suffered but now, on Tav.

The second one could be with Astarion killing Cazador remaining as a spawn and an agent of chaos and bloodshed. Maybe his relationship with Tav may help to have certain control on him (since we had seen that Astarion so far has been asking permission to kill npcs when the situation arises, so the MC could be turning into a master of choice.)

The third one, finding the cure of Vampirism, and letting Astarion continue with his life of evil corrupted magister.

Some people ask about the possibility of a Redemption arc. I hardly see it (especially if I keep in mind how bg1 and bg2 worked, they never offered a “real” redemption arc, just small shifts here and there.)

Redemption could be acquired, according to these fans, using two mechanics.

Astarion feels compassion out of the blue. He starts to have guilt for his past sins and develops empathy, despising cruelty. How? Who knows, so far in EA it has not been seen even once a hint, a scene, a bit of meta-knowledge in that direction. Honestly, so far we’ve seen, this option seems impossible to me, because Astarion has tons of chances to use the meta-knowledge of his approvals and disapprovals to show regret and empathy, and never happened. His character was always focused on himself, his vanity, his pain, his entertainment (which implies constant approval of cruel actions and torments and humiliation to others, especially the weak ones), his survival. If there is a character more far away from empathy right now in EA, it is Astarion. How do you start a redemption arc without the character showing compassion? No way.

Cure Vampirism. Vampirism is a curse, and therefore in the Forgotten Realm can be cured. But this, under no circumstances, can be considered a redemption arc. There is no redemption at all. The curse is lifted, and Astarion can return to be the same cruel magister he was before. No arc about remorse and empathy.

His character is the story of an abuser who found a greater abuser and became a victim of the latter, seeking to return to his previous power position but stronger. Despite suffering this abuse, that could be understood as poetic justice (more like accidental justice) at certain point, he never developed empathy for those sharing his conditions. In fact, he cares little to inflict on others what he has exactly suffered. I hardly believe there is something else going on “in layers” in him at the moment, since the meta-knowledge provided by the approval/disapproval shows otherwise. My point is, I see little material here showing change. But again, this is EA.

We can see how this exact detail is managed with Shadowheart, from her we know even less than with Astarion because her memory was erased, but so far, we know she has some soft spots that were never shown explicitly, so Tav is oblivious to this information while the player knows it.

This post was written on April 2021. → For more Astarion: Analysis Series Index

#astarion #bg3 early access #bg3 meta

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