#my point is how fucking ridiculous and unrealistic the expected 'standard' is

[diamondcitydarlin]

I s2g we have like an unholy tradition on this site of making up our minds about how a season of a show is going to be before any of it airs and getting preemptively, irrationally angry at the stuff we basically just made up on the basis of flimsy SEO articles that take people's quotes of context and our own grim imaginations. Like, no offense but the n@ndermo tag right now is just a lot of people angry about stuff they've made up in their own heads based on the few hints we've gotten thus far. It'll be something like...idk, we'll hear a trash can is going to be involved in the next season and within a matter of hours there'll be a handful of people that will have decided for some reason that Nandor is definitely going to throw Guillermo into the trashcan and HOW DARE HE DO THAT, AND HOW DARE THE WRITERS WRITE HIM DOING THAT AND HOW DARE- (I mean, that absolutely could happen in an ep but you see my point)

I feel like, on the one hand, it must originate from early tumblr fandom roots, that whole culture back in the early 2010's of latching on to media written by cishet yt men with no interest in what queer audiences want to see or experience (some of whom even felt actively resentful of their queer, poc and younger fans bc they weren't the young cishet yt male audience they wanted to attract in the first place) and being disappointed again and again and again by our own unrealistic expectations. I feel like this created an environment of constantly waiting for the paint to peel, like when is this show going to make it painfully clear they resent us as viewers and not only have no intention of depicting things we'd like to see, but will make an active effort to destroy/invalidate those things? Not a matter of if, but a matter of when.

And I get that, to an extent. We were all much younger then and we didn't know then what we know now.

But like...without naming specific titles, I still see this early 10's blind optimism being put towards newer source material that, to me, is pretty clearly written for a yt cishet male audience and will probably not ever deliver on the queer subplot everyone wants to see, though I have no doubt they'll continue to play around subtly with the possibility until they invalidate it at the last moment by having both male characters get married off to female characters we barely know. I hope I'm wrong! But I don't think I am!

And that would be fine on its own, it's not my place or my business to tell people what to enjoy and how, but it's discouraging when media that is written for a queer and otherwise marginalized audience and has a made a point of prioritizing their perspectives gets held to these ridiculous standards of expectation. Like, it's more than enough in YT Man Queerbait S5 for them to hold each other's gaze longer than a second, but if the gay shows don't stick to the script and have them making out, fucking and married right now, plot and characters be damned, then it's all trash. IT'S ALL TRASH APPARENTLY.

I don't think anyone doing this is thinking that critically about it, which is part of the problem. Either way it's really annoying and I needed to vent about it lol.

[bitletsanddrabbles]

Phyllis Baxter Doesn’t Give A Fuck, and That’s Marvelous!

I’ve mentioned a couple of times that I’m reading (well, have read by this point) “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.” No, I’m not censoring the title – the cover has a stylized ink blot where the U goes. It’s the only self help book I’ve ever read and the only one I’m ever likely to read because honestly? It’s really good. No, seriously. It’s not the smart ass nihilism you might expect from the title (in fact, it warns away from that). It’s just very down to Earth and grounding and it explains so much! Why there are wildly successful people who feel like failures! Why, no matter how much you avoid drama, you still aren’t happy! Where these mind sets came from!

….Why Phyllis Baxter is the most mentally healthy person in Downton Abbey!

No. No, really. The entire second half of the book, I had scenes from Downton going through my head, dominated by Raquel Cassidy and her freakishly beautiful eyes! (Seriously, how does anyone get eyes that pretty? Can not even!)

So since I haven’t done overly much character meta in awhile, let’s look at this a bit!

The main thing about Phyllis that stands out, that’s always stood out, that just stands out more and is easier to put into words having read the book* is that she takes responsibility for her life. The obvious example here is her insistence on owning her part in the jewelry heist rather than letting people foist the blame off on Peter Coyle, but it goes beyond that. That is something she takes responsibility for that is also her fault, but she manages, somehow, without a book telling her, to recognize that ‘responsibility’ and ‘fault’ are two difference concepts; that accepting responsibility is not the same as blaming herself; and to apply that to all aspects of her life. A better example is the Bateses getting their noses out of joint when Thomas summoned the police to talk to her. That was not her fault. The fact she was confused when she was told they wanted to talk to her should have made it pretty darn obvious to anyone that she hadn’t done the summoning. The Bateses missed that, or were just so rattled they overlooked it, or whatever, and got pissed. That was also not her fault. But it was still a thing that was happening to her, it was a part of her life, and she took responsibility for figuring out what to do about it, and she did a really good job. I mean, she could have just sat there insisting that it was Thomas’s fault for writing the letter and the Bateses’ fault for not trusting her or questioning things and that it wasn’t her fault, therefore they were responsible for fixing it. She didn’t. She sat down and solved the damn problem. The fact that life had left Thomas Barrow with a mental health level that can be reasonably classed as ‘stage four emotional cancer’ was likewise not her fault, but again, it was something she had to deal with. It was part of her life. She could easily have followed the lead of most the staff and simply let Thomas happen, but she’s way to responsible for that. She knows that’s not going to fix any problem for anyone, and she knows that while she can’t solve Thomas’s problems for him, he can’t solve them himself without a butt load of support.

She doesn’t give a fuck if the problem is her fault, she’s still going to deal with it!

Next point is that while she might tremble at the thought of public ridicule, she is not afraid of failure. Before we even meet her, she’s already failed all over the place. She failed to recognize Peter Coyle as a toxic pos. As a result, she failed at keeping her job. Once she got out of prison (which she actually seemed to succeed at, ironically), she failed at getting a new job until Thomas came along. She failed at making a deal with Thomas. She succeeded at getting out of the deal, but she failed at keeping Thomas’s trust. She failed at keeping Cora’s trust. She repeatedly failed at winning Thomas’s trust back. Heck, her aforementioned attempts to regain the trust of the Bateses failed! Not once did she let those failures stop her. Each time she took responsibility for her life and it’s problems and she tried again until, eventually, she succeeded. She won back Cora’s trust and got to keep her job. She needed Molesley’s help to repair relations with the Bateses, because you can’t always do everything yourself, but she managed. Eventually she managed to rebuild that bridge with Thomas that had been hit with napalm (before the invention of napalm! These guys are impressive!). She succeeds because she’s failed, learned from those failures, and is not afraid to fail again. It’s a straight up inspiration to anyone.

She doesn’t give a fuck if she fails, she’s gonna try anyway!

I can’t speak specifically to her core values, other than to say the seem to be pretty solid ones, because the specifics of those are very personal and very internal. She clearly values supporting people and has learned to value honesty, but that’s as far as we can go there. However, she’s also okay being average. That’s huge. She’s okay being not terribly special. She is special, of course, and she likes being appreciated, but the extremest need to be the best-and-most-loved or the worst-and-most-pitied is not her. She does not see simply living her life, known to a few close people, and then being forgotten after she dies as the ultimate failure. This frees her of most jealousy issues because she’s not focused on what she doesn’t have.  It’s brilliant.

She doesn’t give a fuck if she’s special, she’s got a life to live!

(Thomas and Edith both fail spectacularly at this one, which isn’t surprising, considering their respective lives. I mean, if they were masters of this, I’d kinda be bashing their characterization as hyper unrealistic.)

And finally, while she has been repeatedly victimized she (like a lot of true victims who get help and get out), does not go in for what the book terms Victimhood Chic, that lovely entitled view that says everything that makes you unhappy is oppression and you have the moral right to be offended by it. She doesn’t make trouble so she can have the moral high ground for a few seconds. She doesn’t dogmatically insist that she’s right and everyone else is wrong. She allows others their circumstances and view points. She tries to understand those view points rather than just insisting that other people have to try and see hers. She allows herself to move on and find new, healthier relationships with new, less toxic people rather than holding the world up to the standard of Peter Coyle.

She doesn’t give a fuck about moral superiority, there are better emotional highs than being pissed off 24/7! Like sitting on the beach listening to that nice guy you work with tell you about the book he’s reading!

She’s still not perfect, of course. She has her flaws. Everyone does. She can still be timid and get herself into less than healthy relationships. But damned if she isn’t also a hell of a role model.

* Honestly a lot of what it told me is things I already knew, it just helped to clarify them, give clear ways to talk about them, and give some suggestions on how to combat them. Not ‘fix’ them – that is too easy a word and there are no easy solutions in this thing. Combat.

[lmanberg]

okay long message incoming that’s about to be severely parasocial: i lurk on tumblr but use twitter everyday and as a stan from there: i really think dream needs to take a long break. for like a month or at least until his health is better because it’s very obviously been in decline for some time. him already having pre-existing issues that seem to keep revealing themselves over time coupled with all of the new issues that come from blowing up the way he did (at such a young age too, and ik he likes to say “i’m a grown ass man blah blah” but like,,ur mom still does everything for you) is honestly worrying.....there are too many people who hate him/want him dead that he randomly had to start dealing with, and too many people who want him to be some kind of morally perfect jesus and hold him to a ridiculously unrealistic standard and he’s very clearly a people pleaser to the point of fucking himself over and i truly think he relies more on the love from his fans for his health than from his actual friends/family. it just feels sad to watch because he always says “i handled that poorly and i’m embarrassed, this is the last time i’ll do this blah blah” but it just. keeps going. over and over. and his friends for some odd reason seem to not make him aware of this because he keeps doing it in front of millions of people,,and then him saying he had been sitting in a bath “in his feelings” for four hours when he wrote the speedrunning thing,,,,like dude please get help. it doesn’t help that his main platform for communicating is twitter, where he gets bombarded everyday for not being some mega woke guy when it’s like? this is a young white guy from the southern US, what did you expect. and i’m not saying that to be mean, it’s just the truth, and its very obvious that he has been making significant effort to become more progressive and open with his views but stupid twitter doesn’t understand that these things don’t happen overnight. it’s especially ridiculous when you see that a lot of the people preaching to him abt values and shit are like 14/15yo’s who have next to no irl experience with a lot of problems and have undeveloped brains and think twitter threads are peak activism. like he’s not gonna know about all the more minuscule problems that affect everyone and it doesn’t help that majority of “problems” twitter talks abt aren’t even real ones so he’s just getting more brainrot a lot of the time (i digress, back to his health). the dude lives with his best friend and barely speaks to him, sleeps half the day, is still in regular contact with his abusive ex, clearly has multiple childhood issues that never got properly addressed, and seems to have an obsession with constantly reading every little thing about himself from millions of people who hate his guts and it’s like,,,knowing all that and seeing how he’s handled his emotions these past months...i’m genuinely worried for him, like it’s already apparent that he’s depressed and i just fear for how much worse it’s going to get if he doesn’t allow himself to breathe. i also really do think he’s just depending on george arriving in the US to fix a lot of how he feels/is which also isn’t the greatest but that’s it’s own thing. i really just wish that for his health he would take a long break because the internet (antis and stans alike) is eating him alive and i really do believe he’s a good person with a well intended heart. sorry that this was so long, it’s been on my mind for a WHILE

^^^

[hyunjinspark]

SCREAMING RN HOW DO I EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS MY LOVE FOR YOUR WRITING!!??! THIS CHAPTER HAD ME FUCKING SOBBING OMG LEMME BREATHE FOR A SEC SO I CAN FORM A COHERENT THOUGHT

okay first of all: yeonjun ily so fucking much i love his friendship with yn and i’m excited to hopefully see more of them in the future. yn being able to comfortably talk to him about everything, and yeonjun not discrediting her feelings i’m :((( it’s literally like the bare fucking minimum but people have been using my girl yn as their punching bag lately and i’m so glad she can turn to yeonjun without fear of her feelings being invalidated or being told she’s being annoying/selfish pls someone hug yn 🥲

if i talk too much about the ynbokkie fights i’ll cry but holy shit THE TENSION??! the entire party sequence so intense my girl just wanted to draw stars on jinnie’s cheeks and hang out with him but lix was like nope. side note, but i’m in awe of how you wrote felix in this chapter. like??? we’re all so accustomed to seeing him as sunshine personified but you did an incredible job at describing his frustrations, and you could tell these feelings had been building up for a while. super excited and also nervous for their future confrontation and i hope they’ll be able to sort it all out 🥲 i’m just dreading felix’s reaction when yn tells him she’s moving to the city

AKDJJSKSKS THE PARALLELS HOLY FUCKING SHIT I NEEDED TO PUT MY PHONE DOWN TO STOP MYSELF FROM SCREAMING BC ITS LIKE 3AM BUT HOLY SHIT?!! okay okay so i don’t remember which chapter, but yn said that she wanted a first date at the chateau. but when she tried to organise this with her ex, he bailed which caused her to blame herself for choosing a “boring” date and not taking into consideration that he didn’t like art. it makes me so sad that yn constantly thinks she’s selfish for wanting to do something she likes (god forbid she even THINKS about putting herself first for a change) but hyunjin !!!! when he was talking to chan about wanting to take yn on the EXACT same date she wanted to go on 🥹🥹 the way they’re the definition of soulmates, why would you even raise my standards this high?? my sweet boy was so worried DON’T WORRY HYUN YOU’LL HAVE THE BEST TIME ON YOUR DATE (also “friends” my ass, they’re practically married at this point. super excited to witness hyunjin.exe to malfunction when yn is all dolled up for their date 😌)

also idk how you manage to make hyunjin even more cute and adorable every single chapter istg it’s giving me unrealistic expectations and it’s honestly ridiculous how much i love him 😭😭 my sweet baby was so confused and upset when yn said he didn’t “have to” sit with her, like it was some sort of obligation instead of him genuinely enjoying her company. and then we had a kkami cameo (kkameo?) pls kkami always choosing chaos and making hyunjin’s life so difficult but i just KNOW he was the embodiment of boyfriend material when they visited the store. also the contrast between him quickly managing to finish his painting (after gaining inspiration from what i presume was him having fun with yn at the party) and then getting art block when he’s confused about his feelings/where he and yn stand ?? that’s poetry right there yn is his muse. and CHAN !!! CHAN MY BELOVED HI !!!! pls he’s so funny and chaotic; i love that hyun is basically proclaiming his love in the group chat every other day and 3racha has a fucking bet going on to see how long it takes for him to realise his feelings 💀 i love them your honour. i think that a key reason why hyunjin didn’t kiss her (despite VERYYY obviously wanting to) is because he’s seen first hand the difficulties of dating an idol and he cares too much about her to put her though the constant scrutiny of the media. but i’m super happy that ynjinnie are slowly starting to finally realise and unpick their feelings for each other. anyways this was such an incredible chapter (as always 💖💖) and i’m so sorry for rambling lmao i just have a lot of thoughts about them akdjjsksks (also can i be 🎐 anon if it’s not taken)

hi!! thank you so much for sending such a detailed review. 🥺 had a long day and finally got the time to reply to everything !

i loved reading this so much. you’re so very right, yn has been a punching bag as of late and to hear her feelings are valid is so important to her, especially from yeonjun !! he’s doing the most right now. 😫

the party sequence was intense indeed and im so happy you liked the way i wrote his character 😓 clearly he’s been feeling this stuff for a while, he just was finally able to say it.

good catch ! yn mentioned she always wanted a date to be at the chateau in the first ever chapter, but nobody she knew would ever be interested in that,,,, so hyunyn soulmates confirmed 🔮

a trait of her character definitely is feeling that she may be selfish for wanting and doing the things she wants to do, taking into account her future plans for the city 🫥

i love that you love hyun’s character, sorry he can be too perfect 😪 kkameo indeed ! but he definitely was the epitome of boyfriend material then, and he will be more so in part 10 too 😗

his conversation with chan generally is pretty important to get an insight into his character. he does not want to be in love or in a serious relationship because of the way he’s seen things around him, and things with chan’s life, so it is kind of his fear and he’s holding back despite having feelings.

don’t apologise, i loved reading this ! and sure, but what emoji is that even ?? i finally found it but what is it 😭🎐

[fritomonster]

Words really cannot express how emotionally invested I am in Yang (and by extension, Blake). It’s ridiculous. I've never seen myself so much in a fictional character before. I have seen every aspect of my personality on screen at some point. And so so many of my life experiences (though related through more... fantastical stories).

I used to watch the Yellow trailer to help me through my anxiety attacks in college. Some time later, when I was dealing with mental illness and thoughts of suicide, I’d replay that and some of her other scenes. Her confidence made me feel confident, because this character was so much like me that I knew I could be that confident. Then to see her overcome depression and trauma? Learn to control her emotions after letting them control her? It blew my mind. Totally out of this world.

Now we're getting loads of confirmation that she fell in love with another woman. I can't get over that. I seriously can’t. I shipped her and Blake because I thought it’d be a good love story, not because I was imposing my sexuality on a character I associated with. But here we are. This character I've loved and identified with for so long is literally even more like me than I ever expected, especially coming from writers that aren’t like me. Most of the time that means WLW stories are completely butchered. No. We have a good slow burn that you don’t need to be queer to see. Even if LGBTQ+ folks do consume media differently, that doesn’t matter. This immensely popular show just said fuck it! We want a real WLW love story with main title characters with all the good tropes!

We need more queer ladies in every form of media. No deaths. No fetishes. No unrealistic standards. Relatable WLW living their lives without reducing them to their sexuality. We've had literal decades of coming out stories. The people past that need representation past that too. 

[cetologies]

i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me 

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years. 

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115. 

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous. 

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240. 

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115. 

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already. 

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway. 

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

[cake-and-spades]

So You Think You Might Be Aro/Ace: A Big List of Shared Experiences 

This is by no means every shared experience, and I’m definitely missing some (feel free to add, everyone).  This is just a compilation of things I’ve seen in other lists, my own experiences (both past and current), some things I’ve talked about with other people, etc.  I’ve done my best to separate them into aro and ace categories, but have probably confused a few of them.  This list ended up fucking huge so it’s under a cut!

Aro Things:

You’ve never (or very rarely) experienced romantic attraction.  Or maybe you have, but it’s complicated.  Or maybe you don’t know

The idea of dating someone is good in theory, but is uncomfortable and unwanted in real life (even if you DO want some kind of close connection/ partnership with someone)

Alternately, you aren’t interested in dating at all, even hypothetically

You’ve dated people, and it was okay, but you feel like you’re missing something

You have ridiculously high standards when choosing someone to date

Or you are only willing to date friends (no one has ever caught your eye and you’ve automatically been like “that one!”)

Or maybe it seems like your standards are pretty relaxed (because you don’t really feel attraction to anyone, so you’re not as picky when it comes to seeing if you can spark something)

Romance, when directed at you, is uncomfortable or repulsive

Romance is okay in fiction and/ or real life but not when it’s directed at you

Romance is ok, but not something you actively seek out for yourself, except in fiction

Romance is ok, but not something you actively seek out for yourself, ever

You seek out romance and like it, but can’t seem to do it correctly

You keep waiting for romance to happen to you, but you just can’t seem to fall in love with someone

People expressing romantic feelings for you makes you uncomfortable, no matter who it is

People expressing romantic feelings for you is flattering, but you never return those feelings.  You’ve tried.

You’ve dated people in the hopes of catching feelings

Romantic PDA bothers you an unusual amount

Even well-written romantic plots seem unrelatable or unrealistic, boring, and/or irritating

You are an active shipper, regardless of aromanticism

You ship characters, but only the “expected” ones or ships that have been pointed out to you.  You aren’t very creative with it because you just don’t think that way

You like shipping, but wouldn’t want any of those situations to happen to you

You fantasize about shipping/ romantic things happening to you, but when they do, you lose interest or feel disconnected

You hate shipping.  Romance in media makes you uncomfortable.

Romance in media is only okay sometimes, or when you’re expecting it

“No one actually feels like that, right?  It’s all just an exaggeration?”

You have trouble connecting to characters in fiction whose character arcs revolve around romantic relationships (e.g. the more Uraraka from My Hero Academia’s arc is about pining over Deku, the less I’m able to relate to her and the more she irritates me, despite starting as one of my favorite characters)

You have trouble relating to many female characters in fiction, even though you don’t dislike women and may even be one (many female characters’ plotlines revolve around dating, love, etc. and are not relatable to many aros)

You’ve never had a crush, or fallen in love

Feelings you thought might be a crush at the time turned out to be something else (admiration, a squish or “friend crush,” or something else)

You don’t know if you’ve ever had a crush or fallen in love

You are equally unattracted to all genders

You have had a crush or fallen in love, but rarely or only after you made a close non-romantic connection to the person (grayromantic, demiromantic)

You think or used to think that something was wrong with you because you can’t fall in love

“Am I just a heartless asshole?  Do I have a mental illness?  Hormone problem?  Am I broken?  What’s wrong with me?”

Everyone seems like they’re outgrowing you, because they’re all moving to the “next steps” of relationships, and you didn’t realize there were steps at all, or are still trying to figure out the first step: be interested in someone

The concept of celebrity crushes confuses you

You’ve chosen a celebrity to be your celebrity crush, or pretended to have one to fit in

You thought everyone chose a random celebrity they admired to be their celebrity “crush”

What even is romance, anyway?  Sounds fake, but okay

“I’m sure I’ll fall in love eventually / when I’m older / when I meet the right one / etc.” And then you just Never Do

Finding out people actually DO have crushes on teachers/ authority figures blew your mind and/or weirded you out

You would marry your best friends

You’ve actually thought about marrying your best friends, because isn’t that what people do?

You’re pretty oblivious when it comes to flirting

You’re constantly overanalyzing everything in fear that someone is flirting with you and you just won’t notice

People frequently think you’re flirting, but you’re just trying to be friendly

Romantic relationships seem more like an obligation than something you want

Romantic relationships are something you want, but are something you are not emotionally equipped to handle

You are perfectly happy alone

You want a close connection with someone, but would be just as happy with a best friend/ permanent roommate than with a romantic partner.  Or a dog.  Dogs are good

Romantic relationships/ feelings from others feel suffocating instead of loving

In relationships, you seem emotionally distanced, or unavailable

You worry your partner loves you more than you love them (romantically), even though you love them

An ideal romantic relationship is one that fulfills other needs instead of romance, i.e. friends with benefits, emotional or platonic companionship needs, cuddling, etc.

The main reason you want a romantic relationship is because everyone else has them, or because you don’t want to live alone.  You’re afraid of being left behind.

You’re a physically affectionate person, but don’t attach romantic meanings to the gestures

You don’t like most romantic activities, or find them boring

You do like romantic activities, but aren’t in love with/ romantically attracted to whoever you’re with

Dating feels more like a chore than something to look forward to

You never bothered with dating.  It wasn’t that you couldn’t get dates, you just weren’t interested.

Identifying as aro is a relief or makes you feel happy, or just clicks in a way other orientations haven’t

Ace Things:

You’ve never (or very rarely) experienced sexual attraction.  Or maybe you have, but it’s complicated.

You’ve never looked at a stranger and thought “I’d do them” or felt aroused by them

Or if you have, it’s been rare, or possibly a “if I had to choose someone, it would be…”

You have nebulous or fluctuating opinions on having sex, even though you’re okay with other people having it

You find the idea of you having sex repulsive

You are alright with the idea of yourself having sex, but it doesn’t do much for you.  It’s a “meh” feeling

You actively seek out and enjoy sex, but are not attracted to any person in particular.  You just like how it feels.

Sex and sexual relationships, when directed at you, are repulsive

Sex in fiction and or real life (but not directed at you) is repulsive

Sex is ok, but not something you actively seek out for yourself, except maybe in fiction

Sex is ok, but not something you actively seek out for yourself, ever

You seek out sex and like it, but can’t seem to do it correctly.  It’s not as intuitive for you, and you’re more aroused by what your partner is doing rather than how they look

Finding out people actually DO think teachers/ authority figures are hot blew your mind and/or weirded you out

You didn’t think those “sexy” advertisements actually worked, or did anything for anyone

You don’t masturbate.  It’s boring, or you just don’t get aroused.

You do masturbate, but you don’t picture yourself with a specific person

You masturbate to vague ideas or sensations, or the idea of people other than you having sex and how they are feeling

You are equally unattracted to all genders

You’ve dated people, but you feel like you’re missing something

You don’t feel like you understand the word “sexy” especially when it’s used to describe things that aren’t obviously related to sex, like cars

People expressing sexual feelings for you makes you uncomfortable, no matter who it is, maybe even if you’re dating

You’ve had sex with people in the hopes of liking it more, or because you felt like that’s what you were supposed to do rather than because you wanted to

Sexual PDA bothers you an unusual amount, despite being sex-positive

You aren’t bothered by PDA, but don’t want to engage in it personally

You’re always caught off guard by sex scenes in movies.  Maybe they bother you, or maybe they’re just boring

You didn’t realize that sex scenes in movies actually turned people on

The concept of “hatefuck” and similar sexual situations make no fucking sense to you

If you’re interested in kink/BDSM, you’re more interested in the power dynamics /roleplay than you are of being turned on by your partner/the situation

Characters who lust after other characters are unrelatable and/or boring

“No one actually feels like that, right?  It’s all just an exaggeration?”

You have trouble understanding people/ characters motivated by sex.  (i.e. Why cheat on your partner when you could just … have sex with your partner??)

You have trouble relating to many typically masculine characters in fiction because of their obvious and seemingly over-the-top attraction to women

Feelings you thought might be a sexual attraction at the time turned out to be something else (aesthetic attraction, etc.)

You feel excluded from masculine spaces because of male compulsory sexuality

You don’t know if you’ve ever been sexually attracted to someone

You have felt sexual attraction, but rarely or only after you made a close romantic connection to the person (graysexual, demisexual)

You think or used to think that something was wrong with you because you aren’t into anyone

“Am I just insecure?  Do I have a mental illness?  Hormone problem?  Am I broken?  What’s wrong with me?”

Everyone seems like they’re outgrowing you, because they’re all moving to the “next steps” of relationships (sex) and you don’t feel ready, interested, etc.

The concept of wanting to have sex with celebrities confuses you

You’ve chosen a celebrity to find “hot” to fit in

You thought everyone did this, or was exaggerating, or was just super interested in them as a person and decided to like their appearance too

Sexual attraction?  Finding specific people arousing?  Sounds fake, but okay

“Are you sure this isn’t just an exaggeration?  People really feel this way?”

“I’m sure I’ll feel it eventually / when I’m older / when I meet the right one / etc.” And then you just Never Do

You go out of your way to be Unattractive, because you never want anyone looking at you in that way

Some people just See people and want to have sex with them.  Have you ever experienced this??

You didn’t understand why your friends all started talking about how hot people were in middle school.  You figured they just thought those people were cool, or pretty and wanted to be them.

You would be relieved or indifferent if you found out you never had to have sex again

A lot of the appeal of having sex confuses you.  (Partners are not necessary to feel good???  Messy???  Seems like a lot of time and effort wasted?????)

You’re a physically affectionate person, but don’t attach sexual meanings to the gestures

Identifying as ace is a relief or makes you feel happy, or just clicks in a way other orientations haven’t

[lesbeet]

i started working at this tutoring place for the summer and they wanted to train me to do ACT/SAT prep which like functions differently than the other programs

and in order to start training the new employee has to take an ACT test for each subject they'll be teaching (so for me so far it's english and reading, and i'll do writing if they have the demand for it but rn they don't) and score at least a 33 to be able to continue

and the points i lost when i took the ACT in hs were due to me being horrible at math pretty much, but i scored 35-36 on reading and english every time

and i was nervous today bc i hadn't taken a standardized test in like 7 years or something

so i ended up getting a 35 (2 wrong on the english and 1 on the reading) and like. my fucked up hypercritical self is like "well if i was able to answer those first 73 correctly, why couldn't i do the last 2?" "i keep talking about how straightforward those tests are bc all the info is right in the passage, and yet i clearly had trouble with that"

like . on wednesday im gonna go to my therapist and be like "yknow how we talk about the insane and unrealistic standards to which i hold myself? well get a load of this" and explain that i got a 35 on the ACT subjects i took and that im embarrassed about it and mad at myself

like my mom and dad were both like "were they impressed?" and i was like "no they literally didn't say anything. if the minimum is a 33 then i guess they just don't consider a 35 impressive. maybe they would've said something if i'd gotten a 36" and my mom told me i was being ridiculous and that she was proud of me and i should be too, and even my dad was like "wow...morons"

but yeah like . i just have this thing about mistakes where i like . um . want to die when i make them and like. to me a 99/100 isn't "wow, almost perfect!" it's "wow, almost perfect. too bad you're a fuck-up"

and just sitting here thinking like. i know people who got 36s so it's not like it's an impossible far-off dream, it's reasonable and attainable and therefore if i'm not meeting those expectations it's because of something i did wrong, or i didn't try hard enough, or i wasn't paying enough attention, or i was rushing" or whatever things my dad used to accuse me of when i got things wrong on tests on subjects that were genuinely just difficult for me

every mistake is just "this is what stopped you from being perfect"

and the saddest part is i KNOW that this is happening in my brain and it doesn't make that 35 seem any less shameful lmfao .

women be struggling with complex trauma

[starlessskies94]

The Mark of a Soulmate (Negan/BlakeAU) Chapter Seven

It’s been a while since my last chapter so I hope this doesn’t disappoint. Thank you as always to the gorgeous @neganandblake​ for your support Lovely. You’re amazing! <3

Chapter Seven

Blake stood in front of her mirror blankly looking back the dressed up woman in front of her that she was struggling to recognize.

She hated looking like this...the makeup, the hair, the tight fitting dresses that sometimes restricted her breathing. It was all fake. Not one piece of the facade reflecting the real woman underneath. She’d have been perfectly happy with her comfy t-shirt and sweat pants.

But she was part of a brand. A face that represented perfection to the people that gazed upon it.

Laying on her bed; she desperately grasped at any excuse she could think of that would get her out of going to this launch party. None came to mind that would be acceptable for her management. She was already on thin ice for her employment after weeks of skipping work.

Forgotten meetings and scheduled photo shoots; runway shows she’d pretended to be sick for so, she didn’t have to attend.

It was becoming harder and harder to care about any of it. Her mood constantly spiraling into a cold depth of numbing aches and pains; heart breaking every time she looked to her wrist. 

Negan...

Where the hell was he?! And why hadn’t he found her yet. Was she not good enough, not worthy enough to finally find the love she’d been promised by that damn mark on her skin? 

It felt as though it was mocking her at times. A constant reminder that she was alone. That perhaps she would always be that way. That maybe the weeks of research she had been doing was all for nothing. What if he had already had someone else.

It had been known that sometimes people would fall for someone that wasn’t their soulmate, but it was a still a fierce long lasting love that many couples had cherished well into their old age. And other times it wouldn’t prove enough and the relationships would crumple. If that was the case for her soulmate and he did have someone he loved; of course Blake would be happy for him. But where would that leave her? 

She was so tired of obsessing over a man she didn’t even know. It was getting to the point wasn’t sleeping properly, eating an entire meal had become a challenge for her to ever finish; as her appetite was always waning. And the thought of keeping the search for her soulmate going, was beginning to feel like more trouble than it was worth. 

Reluctantly she pulled herself up from her bed, quickly smoothing the creases out of her dress. Adding a last touch here and there to her straightened hair; paired with her rehearsed smile she’d carry with her most of the night. And after one last flick of her golden locks she was ready to go. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Blake stepped into the center of the launch party; the only thing she wanted to do was to go home. 

The photographers; the journalists, designers, models and management teams...Blake didn’t care about any of it. It was a world she no longer wanted to be a part of.  

Looking around, it was like seeing it through a fresh pair of eyes for the first time in years. The privilege, the arrogance and conceit. The unrealistic levels of feigned perfection, it was toxic and Blake couldn’t understand how she’d let herself be taken in by all of it for so long without seeing the true ugliness hidden behind the camera. 

She didn’t even have Tara to ground her from the sea of chaos that surrounded her. She hadn’t been invited; another thing that angered her. Tara’s position as a makeup artist clearly not deemed important enough to include her on the guest list. When in fact her craft was just; if not more important as everyone else’s that worked on the sets or the runways. It wasn’t fair.

The flash of cameras was blinding along was loud thumping music as more guests pushed their way through the bustling crowds. Elbows bumping into Blake almost knocking her over. 

The clinking of champagne glasses echoed with idle chatter and laughter,all washed into white noise as the blonde imagined herself anywhere but where she was. 

Perhaps she could sneak out? Surely no one would notice. She’d attended as agreed, she’d fulfilled the agreement of her contract. Job done. But just as she moved to eye the exit, she was quickly grabbed by the wrist. 

“Ah Blake! Sweetheart finally you’ve arrived!” It was Damon, her boss. An older gentleman, dressing in a suit that practically screamed wealth; paired with a dark red silk tie and designer cuff links, sweeping back his receding grey hair the man had clearly dyed a mousy brown in an attempt to look younger than he was. 

Blake flashed him another well practiced fake smile, but from the frown on his brow; he clearly wasn’t buying it. Leaning in close she could almost feel his harsh breath as he whispered lowly in her ear.

“Get your ass up to my office now!” He hissed. Not giving her time reply as he then proceeded to brag her by the arm up the stairs towards the large wooden door by the landing. 

The blonde flinched as he slammed the door closed before releasing his grip on her, storming over towards his desk. His hands resting on the cold surface as he huffed a deep frustrated sigh from his flared nostrils.

Blake stayed by the door, the party downstairs now muffled by the closed door. Green watering orbs watching Damon’s every move as he poured himself a drink; turning from the window to address her. 

“Blake...” He started, leaning forward, arms resting on the back of his office chair; fingers impatiently tapping against the glass of scotch in his hand. 

“We’ve been through a lot you and I. Hell I’m the one that discovered you. Always thought you could make it in this business.” the man paused, another sigh leaving him. “But you’re just not hitting the mark anymore. You’re late, sloppy, giving excuse after excuse. And I’m getting to the point that I can’t keep lying for you anymore.”

“To be honest, I’m starting to wonder if your looks are fading because of it. You’re not taking care of yourself anymore. But I don’t have time to babysit my clients. You know that, I said as much when I hired you.”

Blake couldn’t believe what she was hearing, it was clear she was struggling and of all people she would’ve expect Damon to understand and give her time. Evidently she had expected wrong.

“We have a standard in this business kid, how else do you think these guys and girls sell the clothes they model or the products they endorse. It’s all about the brand and you have to look perfect while you’re doing it and I’m afraid you’re just not anymore.” Damon finished his drink with one final sip before putting the glass down and stepping out from behind his desk. Long tailored legs striding towards Blake as he placed a hand on her shoulder. 

His patronizing tone grinding on Blake’s nerves now the longer he looked at her.

“It was good while it lasted, but I’m afraid not everyone is cut out for this world sweetheart, I’m letting you. Your contact terminated immediately. I hope you can understand.” He patted her shoulder but quickly snatched it back when Blake slapped his hand away.

“Oh I understand!” She spat. “This obsession for perfection is ridiculous Damon. None of it is real! You pin and tuck everything to point I can’t fucking breath! You paint so many layers of makeup on my skin that it’s hard to tell it’s me, no woman looks like that! It’s not right and if that’s your idea of perfection then I’m glad you’re firing me!”

To Blake’s utter disgust, Damon simply scoffed in her face. An idle cocky smile widening across his face.

“They all get bitter when they realize they’re not as pretty as they used to be. Don’t worry sweetheart, I’m sure you can find employment somewhere else.” Damon joked sarcastically. “Perhaps somewhere that doesn’t require you to think too much, I know with this job ‘standing and looking pretty’ was already a stretch for you to remember all at once dear.”

“Fuck you Damon.”

“Enjoy the party Blake...might as well considering it’s your last.”

Blake trembled with anger at Damon’s cruel words, a chuckle echoing behind her as he stepped back out towards the party to greet his guests. 

Her bottom lip quivering as she refused to let herself cry. Her pride too stubborn to let anyone see she was upset. 

Turning on her heel she also rejoined the party, but surrounding people blurred and bled into the a mix of colours with no faces that seemed familiar. 

The blonde dropped herself on a lonely stool by the bar, raised fingers calling for the bartender as she order her drink. A bitter taste washing down her throat as she threw it back before ordering another. Her throat and chest warming and numbing all at the same time from the booze. 

Stray tears escaping down her cheeks as she wallowed in the depths of darkness she could feel herself falling into. But she didn’t care. She was tired. So tired of pretending. Pretending that she cared about the job she’d just lost, pretending that it didn’t hurt every time she thought about Negan living his life with someone else. Or trying to find the man that might not even want her. But most of all she was tired of pretending she was happy...

She honestly didn’t know who she was pretending for anymore. But she did know she was done with it. Maybe she really was destined to be alone, a lost soul wandering forever looking for a soulmate that didn’t want to be found. 

Message received universe. Thanks for nothing...She knew that now. 

She was finally realizing what it felt like to hit rock bottom and she was more than willing to give in to it. She’d noticed the side-glances and sneered looks from the guests the more she drank, her lip curling in disgust for their unwanted judgement. She didn’t need to sit there and take part in their pathetic game as they looked down their noses at her from their high horses. 

And so she chose to leave, but not before leaning across the bar to snatch hold of the bottle of scotch she’d been drinking. Her slender fingers wrapped around the neck of the glass bottle clutching it tightly as she stumbled towards the door. 

Her actions on everyone’s lips that saw her leaving, Blake giving on-lookers a bitter laced laugh as she passed. She was done with this life, these people and their corrupt world. 

And as she walked out the door, she didn’t regret a thing.

Tag List: @thetruebornwildchild @mychemicalimagines @fanficsharing @island-end

Let me know if you’d like to be tagged!

[purplepingupenguins]

Let’s take a minute to discuss the homophobia and double standards in the Star Wars Fandom...

Okay, so, recently I made this post:

Which unsurprisingly got quite a few notes quite quickly. But also, was met with comments like these:

And as an lgbt+ person with chronic fatigue I'm pretty good at picking my battles and knowing when to not start drama, actually, that's a complete lie I will call you out on your shit no matter how shit I feel.

So, this is me calling out the homophobia in the star wars fandom. That's right kids, I'm calling you homophobic.

A special shout out to the folks who made this even possible @freddie-and-i-got-stayingpower @zeminon @natenko @brandong50

Firstly, I've seen a lot of things about how his sexuality isn't even hinted at so it's wrong to call him queer and I'm like.... huh??? So just because a character hasn't explicitly kissed or fucked another character of the same gender on screen then they can't be queer. And I know, you only care about lgbt characters when they do make out on screen so you can fetish them but that is a whole other issue.

90% if not more, of characters in media don't explicitly state their sexuality and because of that it's automatically assumed that they're straight and saying otherwise is forcing labels and a sexuality on them. News flash folks: if your adamant on making him het then you're forcing a sexuality on him too.

Yes, other than a lot of looks and subtext (flirting) nothing has actually been outright said that Poe has an interest in men. But also nothing has been said about him liking women either but you're all perfectly happy for Poe and rey to happen.

As the delightful first comment asked: why does it matter? Because Disney has never had a main lgbt+ relationship or character in movies before. 

Star wars, where people can wave around laser swords and fly spaceships but can't kiss a person of the same gender. 

Star wars claims to be progressive and at times, it has. Carrie Fisher was the first female character I ever saw pick up a gun and save herself. She was the first female character I saw that didn't need a relationship with a man to be complete but she just wanted one. Star wars new trio is a Latino man, A black man and a woman and that in itself is very important. But still isn't able to treat them with the basic respect they deserve.

Lgbt+ kids deserve to watch their favourite movies and feel just as powerful as everyone else. It’s as important as Wonder Woman is for women. It’s as important as Black Panther is for black people. But LGBTQ+ people don't get that, especially in movies because society doesn't want our sexualities to rub off on kids. Because they don't want their kids to be gay. Because they think being gay is bad.

"Stop trying to shoehorn lgbt into everything"

Hahahahahahahaha I’m sorry, what the fuck did you say?? I can’t hear you over how ridiculous that sentence actually is. It’s straight people who time and time again shoehorn new characters into plots in the hope that fandoms will love the new het couple over the baited queer one so producers don’t have to go through with having decent representation. For example, those that have seen the Last Jedi, Rose, I love her to pieces don’t get me wrong, but I do not love her relationship with Finn, not as a romance. They were such good friends throughout the entire movie and then bamn! Forced het romance!! 

That kiss was so unnecessary that even the straightest of straights agree that it was forced. Not only did it ruin a perfectly good on-screen friendship between a man and a woman but it also showed just how shitty the writers and producers really are. That they’re so desperate to take attention away from a healthy, interracial, mlm couple, a couple that their entire cast and the majority of their fandom supports that they’re putting entire plots and storylines on the line.

“Jesus Christ everything has to be about lgbt these days. sick of it.” 

Firstly, you're on tumblr. What the fuck do you expect? Secondly, you have a completely empty blog just to spread your homophobia, that’s childish af. Thirdly, LITERALLY, NOTHING IS ABOUT LGBT THAT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT! Every single straight person who whines about “everything’s so gay now” “I can’t watch anything without it being all about lgbt” TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE WATCHING AND WHERE YOU’RE FINDING IT. BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST. 

Nobody is trying to make everything lgbt+, especially star wars, because if it was then we wouldn’t have han and leia and they’re iconic af, even if han is totally bi... okay, i’ll stop. But the point is, we’re not trying to make everything lgbt but most things are naturally lgbt+. One in four people are gay. Just gay. Think about how many characters are in Star Wars? It’s not unrealistic for some of them to be gay. In fact, it’s completely more than likely. Whether it’s Luke, Poe, Finn, Rey, Han, Leia or old Ben Kenobi, someone in that galaxy far far away is gay whether you like it or not.

I’ve seen a lot of people also saying that Star Wars isn’t even about romance, it’s about friendship and while, yes, you’re not wrong. Romance has never been a small part of it either. Han and Leia are still one of the most iconic straight white couples ever. Padme and Anakin’s romance was what started this whole mess in the first place and literally not a single person ever complained about either of those relationships.. So when you say that you don’t want it focussing on romance over friendship. What you’re really saying is that you’d rather it focussed on friendship than a gay romance.

“Stop with that lgbt crap”

That lgbt crap as you so eleoquently put it is literally mine and billions of other people’s lives. How about you stop with your homophobic crap? That’ll work out a lot better for us all?

Lastly, exactly who is it hurting?

Who is watching a healthy interracial queer relationship, or even just a non-white queer man on their screen and is hurt by it? Nobody. 

Giving LGBTQ+ people a voice hurts nobody. Seeing a gay character is not going to turn your child gay, just like seeing millions of straight characters on screen hasn’t magically turned me straight, because that’s not how it fucking works.

What hurts people is silencing that voice. Calling it s*upid and childish and irrelevant, that’s hurting people. And I know, that if you’re silencing these voices that you probably don’t care but a lot of people do. It matters to more people than you could possibly understand. This sort of content has the power to change someone’s life for the better and if that makes you and your homophobic lifestyle uncomfortable for a couple of hours. Then I really don’t give a flying fuck. 

If you don’t like it. Don’t watch the movies.

Stormpilot isn’t hurting anyone. If you wanna hate on a ship that is the symbolism of abuse then go shit on the r*ylo shippers, because that’s the real issue in the star wars fandom at the minute. 

TL;DR: Stop invalidating lgbt+ voices by mocking them and calling them childish. Stop spreading your homophobia. If you don’t ship finnpoe, okay, move on. LGBTQ+ people deserve representation like women deserve wonder woman and black people deserve black panther.

Why are you all so adamant that it’s wrong for us to force queerness on poe or finn or luke but you’re all happy to force heterosexuality on rey who has shown no real interest in a relationship besides hugging finn.

Did I miss anything?

[paulchaloner]

Why esports needs two hosts for big events

In the beginning there were no casters. No hosts, no analysts, no interviewers, side-line reporters, panel members, observers, desks or stages. This was esports in 2002. In fifteen short years, we’ve come to expect all of these job roles to be filled by highly professional talent members at every single tournament, no matter the size of stadium or LAN hall.

In 2005, a small collection of budding shoutcasters (as we were known back then) from Radio iTG (one of the two main studios in esports at the time) headed to one of the most prestigious esports events of the year, Quakecon 2005. In that year, the event was held in the exhibition hall of the incredible Gaylord Texan Resort Hotel in Grapevine, Texas. Those early pioneers included Marcus “djWHEAT” Graham, Alison “Trillian” Suttles, Stuart “TosspoT” Saw, Darren “Lun” Webber and our production maestro for the weekend (the only one!) Chad “Blankz” Budd. And me, heading, for the first time in my life to a North American esports event.

We all paid our own way to the event, as in, those of us like Stuart and I, paid for our rather expensive, middle of August flights from London to Dallas, costing around £800 each. We also had to pay for the hotels, which Marcus kindly covered a couple of rooms for us to share. Though, we arrived a couple of days ahead of our check in date, so Darren (sadly, killed in a motorbike accident less than a year later) kindly put some of us up in his house for a couple of nights. Chad also ran the chauffer service, picking us up from the airport. There were no shuttles, talent managers or anything resembling a welcoming committee other than the kindness of our own group.

We were given a small spot on the Intel stand, to setup a PC and some small broadcasting equipment and a pair of us at a time would stand next to the table where our equipment was set up and cast the games from Quakecon. On this occasion, Quake 2, Quake 3 and Doom 3. We’d take it in turns to stand up there and cast in pairs, while the other shot off and collected interviews where we could. The main broadcast went out on internet radio and to the small and slightly bemused audience crowded around the Intel stand. At this stage, the match audio went absolutely nowhere near the main stage in the other hall and that area was certainly off limits to any of our shoutcast team. Our audience on site reached about 50 or so people over the course of the day and while Intel were kind enough to donate some space, I remember thinking: “They have no idea what the hell we are doing here”.

The idea behind our attendance wasn’t a vanity exercise, though we were all nerds who loved Quake and wanted to be part of the experience. Our job was to show the people running Quakecon and Intel for that matter, that we, as casters could bring excitement and entertainment to their venue by commentating the tournament matches. That we would, over time, help bring more people to the venue and the trade stands and grow an online viewership for those not able to get to the event by doing what we did best: cast the matches. That in the future, if they wanted us, they would have to pay our flights and hotels. God forbid at some point in the future we would actually earn any pay for the week we worked.

I guess, if you weren’t around back then and perhaps only found esports in the last few years, this will sound rather incredible, almost unrealistic and incomprehensible. But that’s how many tournaments began using talent. It should go without saying too, we were paid absolutely nothing and indeed even struggled to get enough free tickets for everyone to get in!

Imagine for example, the CS:GO Major in Krakow having no live commentary for the attending audience or anyone watching around the world and instead, you heard about the results of the matches on Twitter. On Monday. Sure, there were websites around like ESReality reporting back scores and so on, but they mostly relied on players or us to give them that information! Most of the early esports galleries are from me or Michal “Carmac” Blicharz as we were just two of a handful of people who even owned a camera! And we had no social media back then either, just mIRC to spread the word.

I explain all of this to help put in context something that I have been thinking about for a little while now and to help people understand I make this statement not because I am ungrateful of my fortunate position (doing something I love) or that I am mistreated in some way, but because like all the steps we have taken in esports since those early days, we need to make progress. Progress comes painfully sometimes, by raising difficult questions or by taking a hard look at ourselves and our industry. By examining our relationships and work practices. But, never the less, just because it might be difficult or invite ridicule from those who believe (wrongly) that we are behaving like spoiled brats, it is right to ask questions, reach for change and challenge accepted norms.

In more recent years I’ve seen others working to improve our industry, James “2GD” Harding, Auguste “Semmler” Massonnat, David “LD” Gorman, Scott “SirScoots” Smith and Henry “HenryG” Greer (to name but a few). All of them greatly helping to improve industry standards, pay and conditions.

Even as we began doing more events in 2006 and 2007, it was rare to have more than a few casters attend each event to do the entire tournament. Often leading to incredibly long days for all concerned. In fact, I remember one acute case where the tournament for Quake 4 began at 11am on Saturday and was still going at 7am the following morning, all casted by one person the entire time. While that is certainly an outlier, there were often 12 to 15 hour days for those delivering on-camera duties at every event and often even longer for those delivering production.

And don’t think this is something that happened a few years ago, I racked up 93 hours at the recent CSGO Major in 7 days. It has not been uncommon to complete 13-18 hour days in many of the tournaments held this year.

Casters in recent years have fought hard to ensure they aren’t subjected to these kind of hours. It’s unusual for less than three pairs to be hired for big events today and in doing so, they are able to stagger their call times and reduce the workload to a sensible set of matches not usually going past 8 hours and often even less. This allows the talent to deliver an optimum experience, avoid burning themselves out and ensures high quality production and broadcasts. Ultimately, the fan at home benefits with casters no longer tired beyond comprehension after multiple 15+ hour days.

More recently, thanks to ESL and PGL in particular, analysts are now common place among the broadcast team and can rotate in and out of the show. Again, improving the experience for everyone watching and those contributing to the show. No longer do we have the same two people looking like zombies on day 3 of a long tournament having completed 15 hours in consecutive days. Even observers have rotations now often between two or three people at each event. Gone are the days of Josh Nissan or Alexandre "FunKa" Verrier sat in a hot stuffy office for 15 hours on their own.

So I don’t think it’s a stretch to suggest we have rotating desk hosts at big events. It’s not very common, though Sheever kindly took over the last game of the night for me at the DAC tournament earlier this year and even saving me a few hours a night made a huge difference to my mental state and sleep pattern such that I believe the show was better for it.

My original tweet about the subject (coming on day one of the major) was, in hindsight, rather ill-timed and I wasn’t looking for sympathy or wanting anyone to give PGL a hard time about it. In fact, it wasn’t even related to the event (other than pointing out the long hours) itself.

Nor was I complaining about the lack of a second host at the event, just that it was a subject I’d been thinking about for a while and that we should discuss it more. Indeed, SirScoots offered to step in for me if I was feeling fatigued, so that wasn’t the issue at the time of the tweet. Nor was the fact that I may have looked a little pale on the first few days (I’m fucking British, of course I’m fucking pale!) related to anything other than some bright lights and some light make up, which we fixed.

I also heard people saying we should be grateful we don’t have to work the hours of the production team and trust me when I say this (having been part of that production team on many occasions) I am. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the work put in by production crews, often finding themselves in the venue an hour or two ahead of talent and staying behind after the show ends for an hour or two. They can easily rack up significant hours during an event. I estimated for example that PGL production staff likely completed more than 120 hours of work in 7 days at the major. And that doesn’t even take in to account all the prep work leading up to the event which they started on months before and worked on continuously leading up to it.

It’s not unreasonable to say we should be looking at their hours too and just because I raised the issue of one host covering the entire event not being enough, doesn’t belittle production staff or make their case any lesser. Ridiculous hours for talent or production lead to mistakes and mistakes cost money, time and reputation. I hope to see a place in the future where there are different teams of people to cover production roles too. Progress.

I don’t expect everyone to understand the host role or be able to empathise as a result. But I will admit, that while I love the job, the hours can be insane, the stress involved in staying focused for long days over an extended period put a lot of pressure on you and there are a lot of moving parts you have to be able to cope with during the show. You’re constantly listening to your panellists, while trying to feed the great questions, following the producer in your ear, wrestling with time and a show rundown with parts to throw to, bringing in videos and interviews, adapting to changes and issues on the fly, introducing graphics you might never have seen and appearing to the viewer that it was totally planned, helping the conversation flow seamlessly from one part to the next and then when you aren’t on camera, taking in the match, watching every round and trying to eat and drink occasionally. Overall, my job is to make sure you are guided through the show seamlessly and without drama (other than that coming from the matches!). It might not sound much and it’s not laying concrete for sure, but it is very stressful and tiring.

And for those saying I get a break during the matches, no. Yes ok, I get to sit and watch the match, so from that point of view I’m sitting down, sure! But I’m not resting, I’m watching, taking notes, building narratives for the analysts to discuss when we come back after the match, discussing the other parts with the producer, updating stats and rundown points, doing signing sessions or photo sessions or press interviews (as part of our job). While there is no doubt that production have to stay focused at all times and mistakes can lead to people being fired, on-screen talent have that threat too and face public backlash at the smallest of mistakes. Some mistakes can (as we have seen in the past) be career ending.

I don’t accept the premise that I am out getting smashed out of my brains on alcohol either. I have a very good work ethic and in the main I avoid any alcohol (or dancing!) until the end of the event. I need to stay sharp and focused and that means getting enough sleep, which usually by the end of the day is the only thing left to do in any case!

I’ll also say that I feel a sense of pride in what I do and that extends to ensuring I do the job I’ve been hired for. If an event has hired me, I want to ensure I host the show for them, not whine on day two about the hours and ask for a replacement to step in, even if, like Scoots, there is one to do so. That’s a personal feeling of responsibility to the role. I’d feel like I was letting people down if I asked for a break.

Then there is ego. Something Scoots said to me rang true when we discussed the idea of two hosts. We all have egos and part of that ego is believing we can do the job better than someone else, so it’s hard to admit for us that actually we should have two hosts for a show. It’s like Scoots said “we entrust our baby to someone else” and that’s hard.

This is absolutely not about money either. In fact a few of us hosts have already discussed lowering our rates should we be able to do a joint hosting event.

Ultimately, we need to persuade the organisers and publishers that having two hosts becomes the norm (much like in Olympic broadcasting for example) and I’d personally welcome the chance to prove this can be a better road for everyone should the opportunity arise, not least that the fans get two hosts for the event!

There is no need to grab the pitchforks and complain to the organisers just yet either, we’ve hardly spoken to them or discussed two host setups, which, yes, will cost more. It won’t however cost more than extending tournaments to extra days which also means additional costs of renting arenas, production kit, people and so on. It seems wholly unreasonable to do so too, especially as players are now happier than they have ever been with schedules of matches. No longer those days of playing 7 back to back matches…

It’s not a big deal having two hosts, it’s just that having one do everything has become the norm and it’s important to challenge norms. That’s down to those who do the job and not (despite the support) a reddit thread demonising organisers.

I firmly believe that the show would benefit from having two hosts and I’ll work with other hosts and organisers to make that a reality.

[godkylo]

i cant speak for all but i stan kylo because

he's different from the other edgy characters that seem to flood the market nowadays. a lot of these characters are pretty basic and linear, darker wearing emo boys that look cool without having any real bite to back up the bark or any substance behind the fancy looks. tbh, i expected kylo ren to be more or less the same - another dark and angry edgelord hipster that uses a cool weapon to overcompensate. instead, i find someone that is actually pretty unique, but interestingly enough, i feel like i've met his type before. let me explain. kylo ren is a guy who in our universe, would be pretty normal. daddy issues aside though, i dont think he would be too much different from any other normal guy - like me. im only speaking from a non-fictional standpoint cause there are a lot of people that will actually think that im relating to the fictional character for all that he is which is ridiculous because for one - I DONT HAVE THE FORCE. neither do i plan on killing my dad either. with that being said though, i think what has gotten anti's so spooked is because they can agree with me to some extent. while i believe star wars is not the place for social justice, i can agree that these characters feel more personal this time around. and perhaps thats owed to the social awareness that our generation has made the new standard - but regardless, i must chalk it up to the writers. i may not agree with the antis, but at least they are invested enough to care to hate the character rather than just not be receptive at all - aka actually ignoring or erasing the character. its great for the franchise or rather, the fandom because it spreads the word of mouth, after all, there is no such thing as bad publicity anymore. kylo ren reminds alot of people of the horrible things that we as a people are capable of. along with all the insecurities, all the temperamental issues, trust issues, anxiety, the list goes on. i myself know the anxiety and indecisiveness very well. i tend to overthink and feel like im living up to expectations that i personally dont care for, and at times i dont know who to talk to or turn to. so sometimes, i fuck up and feel as though its too late to fix some things that never should have needed repairing. and kylo ren's main selling point, is that he is a villain that isn't a total villain. he was raised by heroes and knows right from wrong, but he's doing bad things in the name of a man he never had the chance to know and adam driver himself has said that he doesnt consider ren to be evil or a "villain." he's just a guy doing what he honestly thinks is right. which is disturbing, but interesting because i can finally see more than two possible paths for a character like his. of course, he can die - but finally i can ask - how or even better, why? and if he gets redemption, i can ask the same questions. but another question as well, does he deserve it? does he want it? OR, is there a third option? like tekka stated in the beginning of TFA, kylo ren did not rise from the dark. and yet, he is there anyway. there is a lot of promise and hope for his salvation, but he doesn't need to rely on it to put the finishing touches on his story. for him, i can see that after this trilogy, his story will not end in the way many people may think. and to the writer's credit, a lot of the characters in TFA are as ugly as they are beautiful, their paths can take them through many twists and turns, ups and downs, and that's great. it shows us that they are human, and not emotionally numb battle priests, neither are they unrealistically evil power hungry war mongers. TLDR, kylo ren is a better character than people like to admit. he gets a huge genuine emotional reaction from the audience whether it be good, or bad, and i feel as though he is definitely my favorite character along with finn whom i will be doing a post on why i stan him as well in a few.

[theladyshelbi-blog]

6 Things Men and Society really need to Get

*I wrote this in 2014 (time flies when you’re busy not getting published!) and submitted it to Thought Catalog. I’m still very surprised they never published it. 

You can find the original article here:

http://thoughtcatalog.com/mena-coticelli/2014/04/6-things-men-will-literally-never-get/

A response to “6 Things Men Will Literally Never Get” ,  by Mena Coticelli

 By: Shelbi R. Evans

 After years of meticulous research, I have finally discovered that if men do not “get women” they are simply idiots. No, not all men are idiots. But it appears they still have a lot to learn.

 I do not want those men to read an article like “6 Things Men Will Literally Never Get” and believe that their un-evolved behavior is acceptable and desired by the average woman.

 Do I sound like an angry feminist? Oh, I’m sorry. That’s because I am.

I am angry that an article that urges men to ignore what women say has been liked/shared on Facebook more than 94.6 thousand times. I’m angry that these are issues that still must be discussed when it seems so incredibly obvious to little ole me.

 It is not rocket science, people. When a woman says something, she means it. Plain and simple. But, for the sake of internet fun, here is my list of 6 Things Men and Society really need to get.

 Note: This article excludes Feminist Ryan Gosling.

 1.    Drinks at the Club

First of all, clubs are stupid. Let’s talk bars. I agree with Mena- buying drinks for my friends and I certainly doesn’t entitle you to anything more than..well spending your money on drinks for my friends and I. That being said (and more importantly) I do not need you to buy me a drink. Do you see this drink in my hand already? Guess who bought it? I did. Because I came to this bar with my friends and when you go to bars, sometimes, you go with the intent of drinking. Crazy revelation, I know.  It’s a nice offer, but I have a job and I don’t want you buying me shitty well liquor and then thinking that four-dollar drink gives you access and entitlement to my body or time. My time is precious to me, just like it is to you. I will buy my own drinks, and if I feel like it I will buy drinks for my friends as well. Why? Because I didn’t exactly come to this bar to connect with the love of my life (or the best fuck of my life) while he gets me so drunk I start to think he is actually a decent human being. Moreover, if you feel like you want to buy me a drink, maybe first try having a conversation with me. If I am interested in you, it will be clear. But lets get it straight- you do not know me. You should not assume I want to talk to you in the first place.  You should not assume that because I happen to look in the general direction you are standing for more than three seconds that I want you to come over and talk to me. You should not assume that by purchasing drinks for me or any woman you will earn her time or interest. No need to buy drink after drink and convince yourself that by the fourth one I’ll think you don’t completely suck.

 The point being, buy me a drink, or don’t. I don’t care. I’m not at the bar because I need your money or attention. On the contrary- it really bums me out that you think I want to talk to you when I’ve made it clear that I do not want to talk to you. Go hangout with your friends. Buy them drinks. I’ll do the same. If I want to talk to you, I will. Don’t assume that because I am a woman at a bar I am there to meet men.

 Furthermore, if I say no to you when you offer to buy me a drink, that doesn’t make me a bitch. It means I’m not interested in you. You aren’t so special that you deserve my attention simply because you are a man at the bar. The fact that I probably make less money than you, and STILL don’t want you to buy me a cheap fucking drink should be enough for you to understand I don’t want your company. At that point, walk away.  Sorry I’m not sorry.

 2.    When we say we need space

Holy fuck. It might actually mean we need space. What would the world be coming to if a woman says something…and actually means it? Does this mean the foundation of all your beliefs are crushed? Are you really a man? What is the meaning of life? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? When she says she isn’t interested…does she actually MEAN she isn’t interested? What?

Let me make it clear, because, this seems to be an issue that is deeply engrained in so many men and women (apparently); it is quite possible, and in fact highly likely, that when a woman says something, such as “I need space”, it means just that. Give me space. It does not mean, “ignore what I’m saying, do whatever the fuck you want, buy me stuff, and maybe I’ll do what you want.”

If men want to “get women”, they could start by respecting what she says and understanding that women aren’t irrational creatures who say things for fuck’s sake. Ignoring what I say, and assuming I do not mean it does not make me feel “wanted, needed, loved, important, irreplaceable.” It makes me feel like you are a fucking idiot and slightly crazy.

Moreover, you can not buy our love.  Buying dinners, movies, or shows fixes nothing. Money does not equate respect. I do not want to go on a “surprise vacation” with someone who has no respect for what I say. Bonus point: Bitches love when you listen to what they say and understand that we mean it.

 3.    We don’t over-think

The important thing about this stereotype that was left out is the fact that men have been trained to treat women as if the way she thinks or feels is wrong or “crazy”. Rather, this fails to address the fact that, maybe, the man is just doing something shitty and the woman is responding in a natural, normal way. Saying that women over-think and over analyze things allows men push aside any responsibility for their action, while labeling women as “crazy”. Instead of accepting that they did something wrong in the situation, that their actions directly lead to anger on the part of a woman, they have been taught to believe that women overreact and their responses are based on emotion rather than logic. This is simply not true. Do men and women think differently? Maybe. I’m not a scientist.  I have met a lot of men over the course of my life that dissected every single move I made and every single piece of punctuation I put in a text message. What does this mean? It means that men “over-think” and “analyze” the same way women do, however, their feelings and analysis of the female species tend to be treated with respect and acknowledgment whereas when you piss off a woman and she responds, it is commonly shoved off as “crazy” behavior and the problem with misogyny in this society is furthered. Maybe, if men want to understand women, they should stop trivializing their feelings and reactions.  Novel idea, I know.

 4.    We already know the truth

Umm…don’t be a liar. Why is this even on the list? Are men so idiotic that they don’t understand not to lie? I don’t think so.  

It is really disheartening that a woman feels she has to post an article where she discusses how important it is for men to tell the truth. Yes, men lie. So do women. How about, you don’t date lying assholes?

  5.    When we say we’re fine, we’re NOT

Or, maybe we are fine. Maybe, again, we say we are fine and are actually fine. You do not have to be a magical prince charming in order to understand that when a woman says something, she means it.

 That’s not to say that women never say things they don’t mean. Maybe, there are women that say they’re “fine” when they really aren’t. In fact, I’m certain there are some women who do that. I’m also certain there are some men that do the same thing. However, grouping an entire sex of people together and assuming that we never actually know what we want and often say things we don’t mean is simply idiotic. If I say I’m fine, I’m fine, man. If I want to discuss my feelings with you, I will. It absolutely does not mean ask me 20 to 25 times over a span of a two to four hour period of time. That is completely and utterly insane to me. I will punch you in the fucking face really hard if you ask me about my feelings over and over and over again.

If you ask a woman once if she is fine, she says yes and then you follow that up by asking her 20 more times, eventually, she will be fucking pissed.  Surprise!

God, what a crazy bitch?!

  6.    Fantasies

Um…what? Yes. Women have fantasies. Shocking. So so shocking. I also agree that the beauty standards women are held to in society (by men) are depressingly unrealistic. If you expect women to look like whatever model Leonardo DiCaprio is dating, well, you should look like Leonardo DiCaprio.

I also agree that men should not be “piggish” and “ridicule” the needs and desires of women, but is this not common sense?

 However, the idea that women are waiting around on you, their prince charming, to ride up and save them from the hardships of life, is completely and utterly laughable.  This is not a fantasy shared by most women in the world. And, just because you think you are Prince Charming and by default the fantasy of every woman you come in contact with, does not mean she owes you the fulfillment of your fantasies. I know, I know, it’s a real hardship that because you open the door for me I don’t automatically fall on my knees and open my mouth. Poor thing.

 Yet, the idea that women aren’t as interested in sex still plagues this country. Why? Women who do enjoy sex and are open about it are often regarded as sluts. Women who are less open about their sexual desires and practices are bitches and prudes. When will this stigma die? It is not and has never been backed with actual facts. Women for the most part, do enjoy sex. It’s an important part of human nature. That does not mean we want to fuck every man we meet or talk to or go on a date with or let buy us or drink or look at  etc. When we say no, that means we do not want to fuck you. It probably also means you are a douchebag. If you put a woman in a position where she feels as if she must tell you that she does not want to have sex with you, you probably already crossed a line and you fucking suck.

 Also, maybe, just maybe, you are not the sex god you believe you are. Maybe you aren’t even in my sex fantasy. Imagine that? Maybe I’m perfectly content with my vibrator .  I just bought a new pack of batteries. Thank you very much.

 I do agree that we all have fantasies; mine however do not include stories from Nicholas Sparks’ books or Disney portrayals.

 Want to know what I fantasize about?

1. Going to a bar and not being annoyed by some guy trying to buy me drinks all night because he thinks he has a chance of fucking me.

2.  Walking down the street to work without having to hear a man yell disgusting things at me.

3. Having equal (truly equal) opportunities in all areas of employment as a woman.

4. Not having to be worried for myself, or women everywhere, when I walk alone late at night that the man walking on the street towards me could attack me because he feels he deserves sex.

5.  Being taken seriously in all aspects of my life, despite the fact that I have really large tits.

6.   Also, Feminist Ryan Gosling. Because, who doesn’t?

There you have it, guys. If you want to understand women, start by not being a douchebag. Start by accepting that sometimes, we don’t want to have sex with you. Start by understanding that our life does not revolve around you.

Peace, bro.

[anthroriley]

yknow what really grinds my gears? (long post under read more, sorry to yall mobile users, feel free to skip)

i hate hate hate that (it at least appears that) most makeup critical takes come from t//e/r//fs and r//a/dfe//ms because theyre all sorts of shit-awful people obviously and they completely ignore trans fem experiences in makeup culture when like. makeup culture and the beauty industry are incredibly damaging to trans feminine people, not just cis women so fuck off perhaps. obvs i cant speak for the unique trans feminine experience in makeup culture, this is all from the personal perspective of an agender feminine-expressing person who was once pretty entrenched in makeup culture, but its safe to say that makeup culture is pretty damaging all around in so, so many ways

like. its fucking terrible, how we’ve come to associate makeup with femininity so strongly and how makeup has gone from putting fun colors on your face to trying to look like a more “enhanced natural” and which idk, i think makeup becomes damaging as soon as we want to look like we DONT wear it when we ARE, if that makes sense.

idk i spent a long time hating my natural face and at this point i only wear makeup for cosplay, when i WANT to look like a different person/character, otherwise i just dont wear it and ive come to not totally hate my natural face now.

but its hard! its hard to ignore the standards set by others and the beauty industry for how we should look day to day. its hard to ignore how its regarded as “cleaning up” to put on makeup as if the natural face is dirty and unpresentable! what the fuck!

see, last time i did a full face of makeup to work, my coworker said “you look so good, like an entirely different person!” and i get she meant well but its hard not to hear “you look better when you don’t look like your actual face” and god thats just such a damaging message and its really hard not to internalize it. and the beauty industry capitalizes off of that message, hiding it behind this idea of looking like your best self but cmon, we know its bullshit

idk i feel like makeup should be more like campy fun instead of setting unrealistic daily standards for anyone whose gender leans feminine. makeup shouldnt be a rite of passage for any girl or woman and it shouldnt be a daily expectation by any means because its just unrealistic. 

dont even fuckin get me started on how snapchat’s filters fuck up peoples’ perceptions of themselves by “correcting” our faces and putting on makeup for filters as simple as the dog ears lmfao its ridiculous, it really just goes to show how far-reaching and damaging the larger makeup culture is and what it does to us both collectively and as individuals

god this post is so unorganized, sorry if anyone actually tried to read this, ive never put my personal thoughts and experiences forward together like this before and sometimes it just frustrates me that i havent before

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} The Beauty/Body Conflict

I’m in a business mastermind program right now, working on clarifying my message and deciding what to create next! (It’s super awesome.)

Last week I had to do a whole bunch of writing about what “problem” my target audience has, and how they’ve already gone about trying to solve it, and I got super stuck.

I kept writing in circles and getting nowhere, because the truth is that while most of my audience are women who want to feel more confident in their skin, there are two completely different and seemingly conflicting schools of approach to acquiring that confidence.

I found that conflict to be super interesting– even though this exploration started from a marketing perspective, I quickly realized that this conflict is actually a major reason so many of my clients are struggling, and it needs to be addressed!

So what’s the conflict?

Well, on one hand, my clients want to completely reject the whole concept that a woman needs to be beautiful, thin, and desirable.  On the other hand, they want to feel beautiful, thin, and desirable.

I’ve noticed that a lot of my clients are feminists and activists at heart, who believe that all bodies are beautiful, that western beauty standards are unrealistic bullshit, and that women should do whatever the hell they want with their own bodies without feeling pressure to look a certain way.

But on the flip side of that, they also hold themselves to a super high standard, worrying about how they look and trying to ever-improve their desirability.

Trust me, I get it.

We want to be desirable because we want to belong, and our culture promises women that looking a certain way is the key to belonging. We want the status and privilege that comes with being thin and beautiful, because we live in a culture that tells us that status and privilege are the key to happiness. Unfortunately, since the pursuit of status and privilege often goes against our core values, we sometimes end up feeling guilty or hating ourselves for wanting it.  

My clients tend to have examined and rejected the idea (at least consciously) that a woman’s worth is related to her appearance, and recognize that body image issues are often wrapped up in unfair and untrue gender roles and expectations.

My clients tend to be a bit angry about the state of our society and what it’s doing to women (not to mention people of color) and they want to rebel against the arbitrary beauty and body standards that have held them captive for long.

The problem is that the idea of actually rebelling against these standards is fucking terrifying.

I hear all the time from women who want to reject diet culture, but also want to be super thin. They recognize that they have a right to eat what and when they want, but can’t get over the fear of getting or staying “too big.”

These women have two separate and conflicting needs:

Need #1: Belonging, acceptance, and connection

Need #2: Living in alignment with their own personal values

Ugh. The tension between these two needs is excruciating.

I once had a client who was dying to cut her (very long, striking, super feminine) hair short. She talked about it all the time, but never pulled the trigger because she was too afraid she would look “ugly” or “like a boy.”

It’s not exactly that she was afraid of being judged for looking different, mind you. It was more that she didn’t want to trade the treatment her long hair offered her.

She wanted to experiment with a new look, and reject the hyper-feminine beauty standard she had grown up with in a house with four sisters, but she couldn’t get past the fear of losing the validation, praise, and acceptance that came from fitting that standard. Her hair was a genuine status symbol, something that earned her enormous privilege among both men and women, and she recognized that cutting it would at best shift her into a different (and far less celebrated) category like “cute,” or “plain.”

This is why body image is so much more complicated than just saying “who cares what people think of you?”

I have this conversation all the time, especially when my clients are health coaches, personal trainers, nutritionists, and naturopathic doctors who feel like imposters and want to better “walk their talk” when it comes to body positive values.

It’s so easy to say “self-love is a choice,” but that completely ignores the very different ways people treat us based on how we look, and the very normal desire for status and privilege.

Even tiny changes, like wearing your hair natural, or skipping mascara, can be an example of giving up status and privilege, and cause enormous emotional discomfort and fear. In a culture with such a concrete hierarchy, we’ve been taught that status and privilege are the only way to earn your connection, love, acceptance, and belonging.

You might know female beauty and body standards are bullshit made up by marketers, but you still want the approval and praise that comes from losing weight, dressing up, doing your makeup, shaving your legs, sucking in your belly, or otherwise making yourself look “feminine and desirable.”

This conflict makes you feel like garbage— you want other women to feel good enough no matter what they look like, and you don’t want to make anyone feel worse. But you hold yourself to a ridiculously high standard: you have to look perfect or else you suck.

Despite the fact that you know the rules for “how to be perfect” are bullshit, you’ve developed a super-bossy inner critic to hold you accountable for every rule you break, and tell you everything you need to do to fix each one.

Does this resonate with you?

Do you want to reject all the unrealistic beauty/body standards that hurt so many women to prove a point and be a leader… but also deep down really want to meet those standards? (And, in fact, excel at them?)

I get it.

You want to be a revolutionary, but you also want to belong. You want to be a rebel, but you also want people to like you.

That’s why it’s so important to meet yourself where you’re at, and embrace both desires without feeling bad or guilty about either.

It’s ok to want to be beautiful, and to also reject beauty standards. It’s ok to want to be high-status, and also to believe there should be no such thing as status in the first place. This conflict is normal, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer over it.

The first step to self-acceptance is accepting that you have this conflict in the first place. That’s why I teach my clients the following five magic words:

“…and that’s not a problem”

Add this simple little phrase to the end of literally any sentence about yourself, and notice the shift in energy around the topic at hand.

“I want to lose weight… and that’s not a problem” “I want to shave my head… and that’s not a problem.” “I want to be considered more beautiful/sexy than other women… and that’s not a problem.”

Do you see how powerful these words can be, to strip away guilt and judgement from the stories we tell about ourselves? Only once you accept both sides of yourself can the real work of self-examination and self-love begin, and integration of your whole self become possible.

Note: I’m not saying these desires don’t invite self-examination! Only that accepting their truth is a non-negotiable first step before any effective examination or integration can be done.

Far too often we fall into the trap of thinking we can only have one true narrative at any time. This is false– we are complex and ever-changing, and we can hold many different (even conflicting!) truths within us at once. This practice is about recognizing that we are big enough to hold them all, we don’t have to “choose just one,” and none of them make us a failure or a bad person.

If you’re stuck and want some help integrating, developing self-love and self-acceptance, or becoming a more body-positive coach or role model for your daughters or clients, I do have several private coaching and mentorship spots opening up in September.

Just fill out my coaching application here, and I’ll get back to you with all the details for each.

Yours in belonging,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} The Beauty/Body Conflict appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2PCg8G9

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} The Beauty/Body Conflict

I’m in a business mastermind program right now, working on clarifying my message and deciding what to create next! (It’s super awesome.)

Last week I had to do a whole bunch of writing about what “problem” my target audience has, and how they’ve already gone about trying to solve it, and I got super stuck.

I kept writing in circles and getting nowhere, because the truth is that while most of my audience are women who want to feel more confident in their skin, there are two completely different and seemingly conflicting schools of approach to acquiring that confidence.

I found that conflict to be super interesting– even though this exploration started from a marketing perspective, I quickly realized that this conflict is actually a major reason so many of my clients are struggling, and it needs to be addressed!

So what’s the conflict?

Well, on one hand, my clients want to completely reject the whole concept that a woman needs to be beautiful, thin, and desirable.  On the other hand, they want to feel beautiful, thin, and desirable.

I’ve noticed that a lot of my clients are feminists and activists at heart, who believe that all bodies are beautiful, that western beauty standards are unrealistic bullshit, and that women should do whatever the hell they want with their own bodies without feeling pressure to look a certain way.

But on the flip side of that, they also hold themselves to a super high standard, worrying about how they look and trying to ever-improve their desirability.

Trust me, I get it.

We want to be desirable because we want to belong, and our culture promises women that looking a certain way is the key to belonging. We want the status and privilege that comes with being thin and beautiful, because we live in a culture that tells us that status and privilege are the key to happiness. Unfortunately, since the pursuit of status and privilege often goes against our core values, we sometimes end up feeling guilty or hating ourselves for wanting it.  

My clients tend to have examined and rejected the idea (at least consciously) that a woman’s worth is related to her appearance, and recognize that body image issues are often wrapped up in unfair and untrue gender roles and expectations.

My clients tend to be a bit angry about the state of our society and what it’s doing to women (not to mention people of color) and they want to rebel against the arbitrary beauty and body standards that have held them captive for long.

The problem is that the idea of actually rebelling against these standards is fucking terrifying.

I hear all the time from women who want to reject diet culture, but also want to be super thin. They recognize that they have a right to eat what and when they want, but can’t get over the fear of getting or staying “too big.”

These women have two separate and conflicting needs:

Need #1: Belonging, acceptance, and connection

Need #2: Living in alignment with their own personal values

Ugh. The tension between these two needs is excruciating.

I once had a client who was dying to cut her (very long, striking, super feminine) hair short. She talked about it all the time, but never pulled the trigger because she was too afraid she would look “ugly” or “like a boy.”

It’s not exactly that she was afraid of being judged for looking different, mind you. It was more that she didn’t want to trade the treatment her long hair offered her.

She wanted to experiment with a new look, and reject the hyper-feminine beauty standard she had grown up with in a house with four sisters, but she couldn’t get past the fear of losing the validation, praise, and acceptance that came from fitting that standard. Her hair was a genuine status symbol, something that earned her enormous privilege among both men and women, and she recognized that cutting it would at best shift her into a different (and far less celebrated) category like “cute,” or “plain.”

This is why body image is so much more complicated than just saying “who cares what people think of you?”

I have this conversation all the time, especially when my clients are health coaches, personal trainers, nutritionists, and naturopathic doctors who feel like imposters and want to better “walk their talk” when it comes to body positive values.

It’s so easy to say “self-love is a choice,” but that completely ignores the very different ways people treat us based on how we look, and the very normal desire for status and privilege.

Even tiny changes, like wearing your hair natural, or skipping mascara, can be an example of giving up status and privilege, and cause enormous emotional discomfort and fear. In a culture with such a concrete hierarchy, we’ve been taught that status and privilege are the only way to earn your connection, love, acceptance, and belonging.

You might know female beauty and body standards are bullshit made up by marketers, but you still want the approval and praise that comes from losing weight, dressing up, doing your makeup, shaving your legs, sucking in your belly, or otherwise making yourself look “feminine and desirable.”

This conflict makes you feel like garbage— you want other women to feel good enough no matter what they look like, and you don’t want to make anyone feel worse. But you hold yourself to a ridiculously high standard: you have to look perfect or else you suck.

Despite the fact that you know the rules for “how to be perfect” are bullshit, you’ve developed a super-bossy inner critic to hold you accountable for every rule you break, and tell you everything you need to do to fix each one.

Does this resonate with you?

Do you want to reject all the unrealistic beauty/body standards that hurt so many women to prove a point and be a leader… but also deep down really want to meet those standards? (And, in fact, excel at them?)

I get it.

You want to be a revolutionary, but you also want to belong. You want to be a rebel, but you also want people to like you.

That’s why it’s so important to meet yourself where you’re at, and embrace both desires without feeling bad or guilty about either.

It’s ok to want to be beautiful, and to also reject beauty standards. It’s ok to want to be high-status, and also to believe there should be no such thing as status in the first place. This conflict is normal, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer over it.

The first step to self-acceptance is accepting that you have this conflict in the first place. That’s why I teach my clients the following five magic words:

“…and that’s not a problem”

Add this simple little phrase to the end of literally any sentence about yourself, and notice the shift in energy around the topic at hand.

“I want to lose weight… and that’s not a problem” “I want to shave my head… and that’s not a problem.” “I want to be considered more beautiful/sexy than other women… and that’s not a problem.”

Do you see how powerful these words can be, to strip away guilt and judgement from the stories we tell about ourselves? Only once you accept both sides of yourself can the real work of self-examination and self-love begin, and integration of your whole self become possible.

Note: I’m not saying these desires don’t invite self-examination! Only that accepting their truth is a non-negotiable first step before any effective examination or integration can be done.

Far too often we fall into the trap of thinking we can only have one true narrative at any time. This is false– we are complex and ever-changing, and we can hold many different (even conflicting!) truths within us at once. This practice is about recognizing that we are big enough to hold them all, we don’t have to “choose just one,” and none of them make us a failure or a bad person.

If you’re stuck and want some help integrating, developing self-love and self-acceptance, or becoming a more body-positive coach or role model for your daughters or clients, I do have several private coaching and mentorship spots opening up in September.

Just fill out my coaching application here, and I’ll get back to you with all the details for each.

Yours in belonging,

<3 Jessi

The post {#TransparentTuesday} The Beauty/Body Conflict appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2PCg8G9