#my qualifications are all over the place. so this is always an Experience

[ghastlytofu]

time to revamp my resume again

[possiblytracker]

feeling normal (birthday in like 3 days that im not ready for) feeling normal (too artblocked and preoccupied to even think about finishing artfight and wrestling with guilt about it) feeling normal (-£600 in bank account) feeling normal (realised breaking my foot last year led to Lasting Consequences but cant see a physio abt my fucked up legs til january) feeling normal (has to learn to drive stick and the instructor is scary) feeling normal (stlil has no idea how to un-fuck social life after the great mental breakdown of april 2023) feeling normal (gross sobbing)

[teathattast]

Here are a few things I've learned over the years looking for jobs:

LinkedIn can help you find more serious job offers given many companies post jobs there. You can search for your ideal place of employment this way and find related companies in that field if there aren't any opportunities available. Many companies also ask for your LinkedIn profile, so having a nice profile can improve your chances of getting hired

Indeed and Glassdoor are mostly aggregate compilations of 3rd party recruiter submissions. There are many other sites that even cater to remote work. Do your research and check all links with VirusTotal if you feel the need to be cautious with an unknown site. If still unsure, research " [website] safe reddit"

Research ex/current employee stories of the company/position. This'll give you a good idea of whether you feel this position will be a good fit for you

If in doubt, always go to the company's Career/Job section on their website because the offer found on a 3rd party site may not be listed or accurate

Send out 2-3 applications per day with a catered resume and cover letter for each, only including information related to the job posting (mirror their qualifications but don't lie). You can use Google Suite to find a template to use for free. Just make sure you cater each resume/cover letter for each job that requires it

My method is 1 application for an ideal/possibly under qualified job (i.e. dream job/really good job vibes) and 1-2 realistic jobs (i.e. retail, food service, entry level stuff, etc). This is mostly if you're in dire need of work and need something to tie you over until something better comes through

Don't be afraid to apply to jobs you're under qualified for! Some companies may overlook certain requirements if you have unconventional experience that relates to the position. Just be ready to answer questions about this experience and be sure to relate it to the position in question. Experience is often an acceptable replacement for lack of a degree

Have a clear idea of where you see yourself in the next 5-10 years. If the field you're applying to doesn't align with your goals, either be sure to factor that into your search or research what positions yield mobility towards your end goal. If you're building your own business, don't shy away from doing something you don't want to do. Remember why you're doing it and that the job won't be permanent. It'll provide you with solid life skills that you can apply to your business or future endeavors

I could always go on, but that's really all I got for now. Feel free to drop any advice you've learned to help those entering the workforce :)

[gemstone-roses]

Giles X reader

Me and @my-head-is-an-animal were talking and agreed what needed to be done about the lack of fics for Giles. So here we are.

Thankyou so much @my-head-is-an-animal for reading this over and giving me some fab advice!

Summary: Giles helps you through an anxiety attack.

Word count: 1k ish.

Warnings: contains descriptions of an anxiety attack, loneliness, vague mentions of how people and life can be unkind sometimes. Heavy hurt comfort vibes I can't stop thinking about being comforted by this man okay.

A:N- everyone experiences anxiety differently and this fic will reflect my experiences, but I hope this brings comfort to anyone reading this, as it did for me when writing it. As always 18+ only thankyou! This took SO long to write so please be nice and kind thanku 😊.

Giles knew immediately he liked you. There was something about you, something, endearing.

You walked in one evening after seeing the assistant required poster on the town noticeboard and when Giles had asked what qualifications you had you responded simply and almost nervously, 'I love books'.

He'd held out his hand and chuckled 'your hired'.

You'd become fast friends with the British librarian ever since. Helping him get books for his students… and the buffy gang, you soon became familiar with the layout of the library.

You spent your evenings curled up in the chair, books piled lazily on the floor, and before long you didn't even need to hesitate to remember the shelf when giles or willow asked for a specific book.

You stayed late most nights, Giles would turn off the main lights and make you a cup of tea while you read and he researched. He looked adorable with his glasses hanging out his mouth when he was thinking .He'd hand you the steaming mug, saucer too, because he's Giles, with a smile each time.

It's been a busy week, every night you've stayed late with giles and buffy and co to help deal with some demon or other.

Finally, the demon was dealt with and buffy and everyone left to have some sort of socialising after a night of battling. You just want to curl up with a book, you've felt off all day and nothing has quite snuffed out that feeling. Usually when you felt like this you'd curl up under the thickest blankets you could find in your place and you'd fiddle with the chain on your neck.

It was a simple piece of jewellery, the small circle hanging in the middle of the chain contained your favourite quote from one of your favourite books in tiny writing. It brought you comfort whenever your hands reached for it. The words brought you comfort.

You'd always found more comfort and affection in books than in people. In the past, life or rather, some people in it, had not been kind to you.

And when that happened, you found your escape in books.

"Tea?" Giles asks, sighing, sending a small smile your way.

"Mm no thanks" you shook your head. You shivered slightly.

"Are you alright?" Giles asks, eyebrows raised, you never turn down a cup of tea from him, it worried him slightly, but he pressed on.

"Mm, just tired" you assured him with a small smile.

Giles is unconvinced.

"Right" he says, and he does that little nod that he does when he's not really paying attention when he's researching and someone talks to him, except this time he is paying attention.

"I'll just put these books back and then I'll get off for the night" you say, your not looking at him though, almost past him. standing up and gathering the books with one hand, the other hand wraps around the chain hanging round your neck, twisting it round your fingers.

"Y/n?" Giles asks, and you're far too concentrated on holding onto the pile of books in your hand you don't notice he's right in front of you.

"Giles" you say, finally looking up at him, your sure that his piercing but concerned gaze can see right through you, right through to your heart hammering in your chest.

Giles takes the books out of your hand gently and places them on top of the shelf.

His hand comes back and lingers on your arm.

"What's the matter?" And he asks so softly you think you might break down then.

Your hand goes back to fiddle with the chain around your neck, it's the only thing you know for a fact brings you even an ounce of comfort ,but Giles reaches for your hand instead, pulling it away, he closes his hand, which is much bigger than yours, around it.

It's a gesture your unfamiliar with.

"I- I'm fine" you whisper

Giles frowns, his hand still holding yours.

"It's alright" he whispers, and the hand that's on your arm squeezes

You close your eyes and let out a shaky breath.

"Hey look at me" Giles says softly.

"m sorry, I don't, i cant- " you go dizzy, your breathing becomes faster, your head spins.

"Breathe,y/n" Giles says. His tone is laced with concern as he looks at you, your chest heaves as he moves his hand to your chin.

"Y/n, i got you" he says softly, his hand swipes at a tear running down your cheek.

"No" you whisper, and Giles frowns again but this time its because he can see you're not used to this kind of… affection, of this kind of.. comfort. And Giles feels a sudden pang of sadness at that,and then an overwhelming urge to make sure you never feel so alone again.

"Come here" he whispers, pulling you into his tight embrace.

You wrap your arms around him like your clinging to a life raft.

"There you go, I got you love" he comforts.

Giles holds you until you've stopped shaking.

"What can I do?" He asks after a moment, still not letting you go.

"im cold" you whisper,

"and tired" you added.

"Come on" he says, ushering you over to the couch in his little office.

Giles shrugs off his jacket and places it over you, when he's satisfied your sufficiently tucked in with his jacket, he sits in the corner of the couch, pulling you close to him.

you bring your knees up to your chest as you curl into him.

His fingers move slowly up and down your arm, comforting. Safe.

"Giles?" You whisper, and he stops and moves slightly.

"Hmm?" He says

"Thankyou" you say softly, and you wrap your arm around his waist and drift off in his embrace.

[violetganache42]

Curious. What do you mean by this?

Back in late August, before the Yugipedia server became too much for me, I've seen some members talk about Aura (octomaidly on Twitter, @entamesubs on Tumblr) and their experiences with her, as well as a few comments outside of Discord. From what I've gathered:

She comes off as entitled because she acts like she owns SEVENS and GO RUSH!! as far as the Western audience is concerned all because she's the only one who is subbing them in the first place. A couple of people remarked that her entitlement really shows whenever she tweets out her going batshit over something like guessing Tremolo and Phaser are descended from space dragons. Being surprised at making an accurate guess is fine in of itself, but it sounded like she was… overreacting, so to speak.

She does not accept any criticisms people make towards the show; no one but her is right at every instance. (Honestly, them calling out her criticism-free levels of entitlement makes them hypocrites considering what I said about their infatuation for Yuna.) I should know because she blocked me on Twitter for criticizing the punching-bag treatment Manabu has been facing and Epoch getting away with cheating the first time she Dueled thanks to virtually no one but Yuhi noticing.

Whether they're for countering any criticisms or not, she will make bad takes at any given moment. One time, I got a reply from someone on Tumblr recalling the time she claimed Romin is a poorly written female lead and how SEVENS gave her a victory against Roa to compensate for that. Another time, she made a flimsy defense to Yudias' shoehorned qualification in the Galaxy Cup finals, something that several other people—myself included—were quick to question and call bullshit on.

She refuses to accept that her fansubs aren't always perfect and will get pissy whenever they are tweaked or revised to make them more accurate to what's being said in Japanese. One member left her Discord server because they saw her call Yugipedia and YGOrganization "rude and disrespectful" for making slight adjustments to her translations.

Seeing all these stories about Aura coupled with my two "encounters" with her ultimately made me lose respect for her work with subbing the Bridge era. Why bother watching a subbed anime if the person translating it is an annoying, immature brat?

[the-casbah-way]

i just think it's so unfair that when i left high school my entire support system was gone overnight and i was just expected to get on with it with no help and because i wasn't diagnosed back then no one believed me or accommodated for me or cared, so i had to postpone my degree for two years and watch all my friends graduate without me and move to different cities and i went from being a straight a student who never had to study in their life to barely scraping the minimum grades and never showing up to class because i had convinced myself i was too stupid and slow to ever get my degree because i wasn't getting any of the support i kept asking for and was expected to read and listen to lectures without any help and keep up with everyone else when none of my support needs were being met. and now after trying for five years to find a way to get the degree i always wanted my uni have told me they're not going to let me do it anymore because of one module requirement that i missed because i was in hospital against my own choice. and even after i said i would use the entirety of my savings which i specifically worked for so that i could have a safety net for my studies to pay for the extra year required to get the module they need they've still said no. even though there's a bunch of spare places on the course and it wouldn't impact my timetable at all. even though i got As in every assignment i did for that course compared the the Bs and Cs i used to get in every other subject. even when i told them that i can't keep doing a science based humanities subject because i have dyscalculia and it's literally impossible for me to get through a single sentence of reading on my own, compared to the module i want to do where my lecturer literally bought me extra course textbooks with his own money because i finished everything else on the reading list in my own time and he said he was impressed with the work i sent him. i told them that me and my brother are the first in my family to go to uni, and how neither of my parents finished school or have any qualifications, and i never though in a million years i would ever get to have a degree and i've had everything stacked against me because their uni is 99% rich able bodied neurotypicals and i'm so close to graduating even though i had no support at all for the first four years. and they still don't care. they can't even give me a reason as to why they won't let me get the degree i want. they just keep saying 'we're not in a position to let you do the extra module' over and over again and i don't even understand what they mean. i'm going to pay for it myself. they have spare spaces on the course. i don't understand what else i can do to make them listen. they talk so much about diversity and accessibility yet every other poor and disabled person i talk to (and there's barely fucking any at this uni because they don't want us to be there) has been through similar experiences and had opportunities taken away from them because they were too unwell to attend one single fucking class. i don't know what to do but i've been here way too long and tried way too hard to drop out now. but i also can't bear to not to the degree i've always dreamed of. i don't want to do anything else

[shychick-52]

SO SICK of my mom constantly asking me "Did you look for a job today?" EVERY DAMN DAY. I do every day, but regardless, I'm not a teenager! I'm a grown-ass woman, I have my own place! And she's always implying I'm irresponsible if I don't spend every minute of every day looking for a job. Or if I say "I didn't see any I was qualified for", she'll say "You should have applied anyway!"

My problem is, I have pretty good education, but hardly any experience except for entry-level jobs (including my library position as a page from the last ten years, and before then, I worked in food service). It doesn't matter how much education you have- if you don't have the right experience, they won't contact you for an interview. OR they'll invite you for an interview, but even if you do really well, they'll say "Well, I'm afraid you just don't have quite the experience we're looking for. Does that make sense?" (UH, FUCKING NO, IT DOESN'T, THEN WHY DID YOU BOTHER GIVING ME AN INTERVIEW AND WASTING THE TIME OF US BOTH? YOU SAW MY RESUME, YOU SAW MY HISTORY AND QUALIFICATIONS).

And as for getting another page position at my library? Fuck. Positions at the library, even the page position, are I N S A N E L Y competitive. I have over a decade experience with them, and most of the time they still don't call me for an interview when I apply.

Now my mom is trying to talk me into taking classes for administration work, because admin (including data entry) jobs are very, very common, so she thinks I should have the right education to significantly increase my chances of getting hired in some admin job. Why? I wasted so much of my adult life- and because of my learning disability and ADHD, it was HARD- and despite all my education and hard work, I never had anything to show for it.

Fuck, I'm so frustrated.

[swordsmans]

Hey I saw your tags about your degree and how you ended up as an archivist and I was wondering if you would be willing to elaborate more on how that happened and stuff! I work in a library right now (though I do not have a MLS, I waffle back and forth on going for one) and archives are something I'm very interested in but they seem somewhat impenetrable as a field.

Hellooo!!! :D OMG!!! It’s always nice to meet other people in the field!!! I understand the apprehension about wanting/not wanting to go back for an MLS/MLIS—it’s a lot of work and debt for very little, tbh. Work experience is arguably more important than the degree unless you have very specific career goals (like archives, for example).

It’s a little bit difficult to answer this one without utterly doxxing myself, but the short answer is that I kind of. Fell into it? I was initially hired because my “specialty”/background is data and cataloging (the information science part of the degree lol), and I was supposed to do something else in a different department altogether. However, there was a little bit of staff shuffling and my museum looked internally when they needed an archivist to do something very specific with the collection. Because I was relatively new to the role (so I hadn’t settled much), had previous work experience in special collections, and the project is time-sensitive (grant related; oh, grants…), they just scooted me over to archives for what was supposed to be few days a week until they hired someone else, but… well. Here we are. I’m sorry I don’t have a very straightforward answer!! It really was just a weird alignment of circumstances in an extremely underfunded institution.

Technically I swap between a few different roles, and as much as I do enjoy my job I don’t know if I will stay an archivist long-term. You’re right—it’s an extremely impenetrable field and often jobs will look for multiple academic qualifications beyond just an MLS/MLIS when looking for candidates, like secondary relevant MAs or PhDs. I don’t think I’m technically even qualified to do my own job, because my background is not maritime history. Like you saw, it’s literally horror literature lol. I just happen to be really, really good at information analysis, which fits my museum’s specific need. And because I’m not technically qualified on paper, my institution doesn’t “have” to pay me an archivist’s salary, so everyone kind of wins. I’m the budget-friendly option for them and I get to do interesting work—but don’t know if I could leverage this experience into a similar position elsewhere when it’s time for me to move on.

It’s difficult to weigh the worth of going back for the degree (and choosing a specialty) because of the high commitment/low reward aspect of the industry. Personally, I do think it’s worth it—with the caveat that in order to find a job there is an extremely high chance you will have to move for your job. Out of town, probably out of state, potentially out of the country depending on where the openings are. I pivoted away from looking into a lit PhD because this was basically a requirement for academia, and I don’t have the ability to do that. Archives are very similar, I’m just a fluke. Libraries in general are a little all-consuming, although you might already know that. An MLS/MLIS would open a lot of doors, but you would have to shape your life around your job because of the way your new position would (in theory) work. It’s a very personal decision.

Either way, libraries are lucky to have you!!!! You’re doing wonderful, essential work by default and it makes me happy to hear you’re passionate about the field enough to consider staying long-term. <3 It seems like there’s always a shortage of staff because of the low pay and grueling environment (depending on the place, I suppose, but that’s been my experience) and I’m glad you seem to have found your place in our industry d(*ﾟーﾟ*)

[anorexic-bitch-from-the-swamp]

John, who are your favorite presidential successors from after your term to the year 2000?

well i like millard fillmore cuz of his beautiful name and also i think antebellum period will always be my favorite. (not suggesting he was actually good, don't think he was - nobody was good in that period in the sense that they didn't meet the challenge.) also i think it's funny that both whig war hero presidents keeled over dead. rip, skill issue though

beyond that let's see. well nobody likes johnson, so let's get him out of the way. i think arthur tried, i feel bad for him, but he has to have been one of the least qualified men for the job ever (i mean, seriously, if you count war generalship as within the realm of politics/public service - which i'm willing to do e.g. with grant, taylor etc. - it's pretty much arthur and trump who arrived to the presidency without qualifications, unless i'm forgetting someone) and the lack of experience was evident. again, i pity his position.

teddy roosevelt was alright but he gets so much love i get bored hearing about him, also he didn't help in the 1912 election by forming his own third party (my opinion)... coolidge was fine, i kinda like him. hard to say (from my limited knowledge) how much he contributed to the situation hoover inherited, but during his actual presidency things were mostly decent. also somehow he looked like 10 years old his whole life and i find that amusing.

honestly i lose interest in politics after like 1930 so i kind of have no opinion on the rest, except that they should all remember who gave them the ability to become president in the first place. what's it called again? the "tyler precedent"? wonder where that name came from? 😏✌️

[happyandticklish]

wait no because those rants are so relatable??? sometimes I find myself questioning if I'm still even ticklish, like I remember what it was like from when I was younger but now it can be so hard to laugh and it sucks because I really really want to. there are acceptions like if I go to get a checkup and they're checking heart rate or if I'm getting a back scratch I suddenly cant keep myself still or quiet, but then??? for example just last week a friend offered to tickle me when they came over and I was ecstatic that they'd offer, agreed like it was the best day of my life, only to barely feel it at all. It's genuinely upsetting and I was a little surprised to see these rants under your blog because whenever I get sad about not being as sensitive as I'd like I always think about your tumblr @ name and how great it is that people out there get to experience it to a fuller extent even if I got a smaller end of the stick. like no cap that has genuinely been my thought process and it's what brings me to a melancholy conclusion almost every time. Didn't know it was common to be like this? made my week seeing to I'm not the only one. like I actually dont know what to say this feels so refreshing thank you!!!!!????? ( + the anons :)

Aaaaaaa I'm glad you could take some comfort in this anon!! ^^ Even if it was born out of an intense lee mood and hormonal shit at 3 in the morning, it's cool that it actually resonated with some people! I COMPLETELY get your first point, there's so many moments of things that aren't supposed to tickle tickling (like shower pressures or putting your hands on the outside of a blender or someone pinching me) and it's hard to be chill about it, but then the second you ACTUALLY get tickled it's just,,, nothing.

If it makes you feel any better, I genuinely do believe that it is purely a matter of technique. The fact that other things are tickling you shows that at the very least you are ticklish, it just has to be unlocked through other methods.

A lot of times if you're anticipating the tickling, it can be easier to control your reactions, because you feel in control with it. Obviously most people aren't comfortable with this right away and you don't have to pick this option, but something as simple as tying your hands up so they're unable to help you can work, as it immediatelly increases vulnerability. Blindfolds and teasing can also help with that.

Also, sometimes it's about directing your ler, even if it feels awkward or stilted. If they stumble across something that even slightly tickles, have them stay there, maybe try more or less pressure, show them whether scratchy tickles or poking works, whether your need rough digging and grabbing or gentle traces. Everyone's different, and a lot of times the things that work on one person will be rendered null and void on another. Using tools can be useful too, or lotion, anything to increase your sensitivity.

Being ticklish is just as much a state of mind as it is a physical ability, so getting to a place where (a) you feel comfortable laughing and reacting around your ler and (b) you also kind of DON'T feel comfortable around them, more in the, 'they make you nervous and giggly right off the bat' type of thing. Our inhibitions can often choke up our responses, so teaching yourself to relax in those circumstances can greatly help.

It might also be that you're just not that ticklish, and that's okay too! Being a lee/switch is entirely based around how you feel about tickling as opposed to actually being ticklish. You can be a barely sensitive at all lee who still enjoys the feeling, or a hyper ticklish ler who can't stand to be touched, and both are incredibly valid! You should never feel like you're of less value because you feel like you aren't meeting certain "qualifications" of what a lee/ler/switch should be.

Here's to hoping you can get tickled to your heart's content in the future!

[wackus-bonkus-maximus]

Wackus I know this isn’t really ML-related but I’m gonna get my first experience teaching kids this week and I’m soooooooooooooo nervous. I used to be really good with kids but it’s been ages since I interacted with one properly and I’ve never taught in a formal setting or anything 😭😭😭 I’m so scared I might accidentally say something too strict and make someone cry or won’t be able to hold back a laugh if someone makes a silly mistake and then hurt their feelings and I’m terrified I’m gonna traumatise them for life okay the PANIC is REAL. Do you have any advice for a first time (mid-qualification) teacher?

i do! i have a LOT!!

for context, i have taught elementary school, ages 5 - 12, grades K - 6 for 5 years. (yes i have taught every grade within that range, long story). however, this advice applies universally:

no matter if you're student teaching, staring a new teaching job, or just working in an after school program, the most important thing to remember is, they're JUST kids. they might have attitude, behavior problems, whatever. bottom line is, a kid just wants to be cared for and kept safe and educated, and that's what they will respect you for!

let's make a list, teachers love lists

set your expectations/ consequences for meeting or not meeting them. this is what we do first thing every school year, every monday, every time we start something new. AND HOLD TO THOSE EXPECTATIONS. practicing routines and procedures will make things run way more smoothly.

rely on your coworkers. those ppl are there bc they love kids and love their job, and are in the same boat as you. comiserate with them. plan with them. ask them for their wisdom. the better relationship you have with the other staff, the more resources you get for support!

strict routines. try not to switch up rules/ schedules too much. you'll find anything sets the kids off. a frikin full moon will set them off. a windy day, a rainy day, a spider. literally anything. keep schedules regular, keep transitions quick, and rules universal. keep them trained well to ensure your days go smoothly.

attention getters. they're all gonna wanna talk to each other and not pay attention to you. i teach in spanish so i say, "hola, hola" and they reply "coca cola." my english colleagues say "class class" and the kids reply "yes, yes." if i want my class to verify their understanding i say "capishe" and they reply "kaposh." if i say "waterfall" they say "shhh." these will save your life dude and there are billions. pick your favorite and roll with it!

rewards/incentives. there are also billions of these. i use class dojo, stickers, tickets, anything i can whip out and give them to the kids for instant reinforcement. think puppy training. they need IMMEDIATE praise or IMMEDIATE castigation. for more severe cases you can say "i am going to think of a consequence for you and tell you at the end of the day." they stay real quiet from then on.

affective statements. "i feel happy because you are showing me respect by keeping your eyes on me." "i feel frustrated because you are choosing not to follow the rules." kids need to know you're a person with feelings too. they're always so shook to find out you are human too, and they respect you more for it.

tattletale box. make them write out their grievances against each other and put it in your mailbox. they get writing practice and they leave you alone OR they just forget about it entirely. it's a win/win.

"I’m so scared I might accidentally say something too strict and make someone cry" <- you will do this, and they will get over it. i make my kids cry every day. those kids i am the strictest with, who i make cry the most often, are the ones giving me hugs at the end of the day and telling me they love me/coming back to see me the next year. do not fear! as long as you are coming from a place of love, they will love you too.

"won’t be able to hold back a laugh if someone makes a silly mistake and then hurt their feelings" <- you will do this too, and they will get over it. i make fun of my kids regularly for their silly mistakes, but all in good fun. it actually models for the kids how to joke with each other in a positive light, and what to NOT get butthurt over. like i said, as long as you are coming from a place of love, they will love you too.

"I’m terrified I’m gonna traumatise them for life" <- you are NOT going to traumatize them! the resilience of a child is one of the most amazing things i've ever seen. i can tell just from this that you're a person who cares about kids and wants the best for them. a person who teaches with that mindset is a person who is fated to positively influence them.

i've made looooots of mistakes. i've gotten angry emails from parents, the principal, bad reviews and low test scores. i've also had kids come back and tell me how much they learned in my class, had parents tell me how much their child loves me and misses me as their teacher, and had kids say they wanna grow up and be just like me.

you are gonna be okay. they are gonna love you because you love them. you're gonna be soooo tired and stressed out. you're gonna laugh your ass off. but one of your students is going to tell you thank you for everything you taught them, and then you'll cry and hug them and realize you're in the right place. pink promise 💕

here's a picture of me as a cat princess to motivate you

[celiastjamesoscar]

I have a few of the books but haven't read any. Also, the main reason I didn't finish the game was because I wanted to finish Horizon Zero Dawn before TLOU2 came out (and now it's been over 3 years, and I still haven't gone back to it...) I've seen all the episodes of the show though.

Saving money is always a good thing. I love trying to do that. I'm terrible at it though. I'm good for a week or so and then I make up for it by buying a lot of stuff or something expensive.

I studied Audio/Video production. I've looked at other schools to maybe see if my stuff could transfer and I could get a bachelor's degree but looking at the courses, it's literally no different than what I've already learned. The big differences come in like pop culture in media or film history and as cool as those kind of classes sound, I don't see how those should define whether I can do a job or not. I mean all my schooling was very hands on, using the cameras, filming stuff, editing. I live in the Midwest so these type of jobs aren't super common (there is a reason so many people move out to Hollywood for this stuff).

Even when looking for an internship it took me a month to hear back from someone. And the place I heard back from I accepted cause well I needed this to graduate, and the thing is the place probably shouldn't have qualified. I mean I turned on an iPad and I clicked between 2 different cameras on a computer and also clicked the correct slides to switch to. It was so basic.

Sadly, even if I hear back from the one place, I'm probably not gonna take it (it's 30 minutes/30 miles away). I didn't necessarily bad vibes from the place, but I wasn't feeling the vibes I did get so adding to the fact that it's not convenient (or paying enough) It's probably a bad idea.

The fact is I got 6 years of retail experience (from my current job) and despite using the filter and saying high school diploma and no experience I still can barely find something I qualify for. I'm literally just looking for a warehouse job... but I need a years' experience in a warehouse to scan stuff and lift boxes... (I don't work in a warehouse, but can you guess what I do at my job? scan things and lift boxes).

Ooof this got long. Sorry about that!

I haven’t heard of Audio/Video production, only in the Hollywood area though, like you said. I also live in the Midwest, and I know how hard it is to find a decent paying job with certain degrees

Commuting to work sucks, and I completely understand you not wanting to drive 30 miles, especially if they pay isn’t worth it

qualifications for jobs are so stupid with how they are set up. Especially with the way it is with you if you are already doing the same thing just in a different setting. I don’t know what all your degree does, or else I would try and offer some help. I only wish you the best of luck <3

Also, you don’t need to apologize!

[13beachesxx]

wondering if i get so melancholy every year around this time because for roughly the first 18 years of my life, it was a time of joy and excitement. i loved back to school day so much. so much. the new stationery i'd get to gear up for it, my shiny pretty pencil case, whatever backpack i was rocking that year (fond memories of my black and pink powerpuff girls backpack and also my pale blue snoopy backpack!), what outfit i was gonna wear, my hair....one time i even decided i was gonna debut cornrows on the first day back lol. 3 hours in a hair stylist's chair just to look snazzy for first day back. the excitement in the air was so palpable i could probably pee myself from excitement on the drive up to the school. seeing all your favorite teachers' faces, seeing all your old friends, and the new kids — oh my god, the new kids. us boy obsessed girls immediately trying to assess if there were any new hot guys this year or if that was a wasted hope, scoping out everybody who looked new and unfamiliar, immediately grabbing the new girls and getting them to sit with us, get to know us, get to know all about them and accept them into our fold.

i know i tend to rose tint SO many things in my past and that too might be a trauma reaction to paper over all the bad, but my god was school my happy place and refuge. i did not experience SAD in my childhood or teens because well, for starters, it didn't get as cold in the city as in england or here up in the mountains. or in moscow, but whether the cold ass weather had any effect on me back then, difficult to say. i think not. probably more like i enjoyed it because of all the fun stuff, ice skating, sledding etc. that particular affliction probably came on with my depression and compounded every year after i turned 18 until it finally hit me that every year, without fail, i was becoming extra suicidal each november. now at least i know and and can steel myself and prepare and that somehow mitigates the worst of it.

but yeah.... maybe this is it. i read some girl's account of how she remembers a particular trauma every august, that without intending to, her body remembers it and she tenses up and feels those effects. can you feel something equally profound for a happy memory that you miss now? maybe that's a part of it. i always felt so bittersweet seeing "back to school" banners in stores or online shops, even back when i was going to uni, knowing that demographic no longer includes me. that used to be one of my favorite times of year, as slow boring summers came to an end and the excitement of a new school year crept up, slowly, even as it was still hot. shit i could probably rival harry's excitement getting on the hogwarts train, and i don't think my family situation was half as dreadful as his ever. it was just an exciting, happy time, and to think that my autumns have become...very much not that, well i could just cry thinking about it. the acute and vast gap between the two experiences is indeed great. i think i long for the structure too, the blocked out blocks of days that were scheduled for me, the after curriculars, all of that. you really don't have time to be sad about the weather changing when you're so fucking busy with basketball practice or trying to put on a play. you really don't.

now i'm like lmao should i just get some qualifications and go into teaching. lowkey it would feel like a hack of getting some of that magic back, as an adult. maybe if all my dreams end up in the toilet and none of it pans out, i could do that. a new backup plan lol. or nah, i would probably not like the reality of being a teacher, not at all. i just want to feel the magic of getting out of the car and seeing my favorite teacher. i miss them all so.

[star-trekkin-across-theuniverse]

Worthy, pt9

part 1 & 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8

__________

tags: @bolontiku, @rampant-salamander, @darkdragonpheonix , @440mxs-wife,  @castiels-sunflowers, @peekingsunshine, @alexakeyloveloki, @feelmyroarrrr​​

Word Count: 2995

__________

I was standing in front of a gymnasium full of preteen and teenage girls and I felt so incredibly awkward. Every bad high school experience flashed before my eyes. Every instance of being called a nerd, or a geek. Every time I’d been shoved into the lockers. Every time I’d been made fun of for being good at ‘boy stuff’. The girls had always been more vicious than the boys had, certain I was doing it to get close to their crushes, when it couldn’t have been further from the truth. I was into science, math, and building things because it made me happy.

I glanced at Pepper, and she must have read the terror on my face. She stepped closer and leaned her head towards mine. “You are the cool kid now, Ella. These girls all want to be like you. You are a role model,” she reassured me. I smiled and let out a heavy breath. The principal stepped up to the microphone and placed his hand over it to mask what he was about to say to us.

“I would like to apologize in advance, but I suspect since the SHIELD information dump, there may be a lot of questions about the Avengers pointed at you.” He tried to force a smile. It wasn’t successful. “We’ve asked the girls to try to keep on topic, but you know how distractible teenagers can be.”

“It’s perfectly alright for them to ask those questions, sir. Dr. Banner and Mr. Stark are valuable members of the Avengers, and they are also leading minds in their respective fields.” I wasn’t surprised. They were also dreamy, and superheroes in a world that had only just accepted that superheroes could actually exist. If that was the motivation for a girl to focus on STEM fields, all I could hope was that eventually, she would stick around because she found something in the actual field to be passionate about, instead of the cute guy.

“But they aren’t women,” the principal protested. I shrugged.

“So? Women are underrepresented in STEM fields. These young women are going to need to be able to interact with the men they will be working with. So if they have questions, I can direct the answer to something on topic easily.”

“Which is why I’m so pleased to have you on this, Ella,” Pepper patted my back. The principal gave me a nod and then uncovered the microphone.

“Ladies, we have two very important visitors with us here today. You know who they are because you signed up for this talk, but allow me to introduce them anyhow. Virginia Potts is the CEO of Stark Industries, which is the current leader in clean energy technologies in the world. She has brought Elizabeth Carmichael today. Ms. Carmichael has just won a prestigious internship with Stark Industries. She has a master’s degree in Engineering from CalTech, and a Bachelor of Science with honours in Physics with an extended minor in Biochemistry from the University of Washington. Let’s give them a warm West Side Tigers welcome,” he introduced. The girls cheered. Not just clapped, but cheered. I couldn’t help but smile. “Ms. Potts, if you’d like to begin.” Pepper stepped over to the microphone and adjusted it.

“As the female CEO of what is arguably one of the most successful companies in America right now, I look around in meetings and see that often, I am the only woman in attendance. I look through our research and development labs and significantly fewer than fifty percent of the scientists working are women. Research has shown that women are steered away from STEM careers as early as their elementary school years. And I’d like to see that change,” she began. “We’ve made changes to our internship program to guarantee a seat to a woman every year, but we don’t want to just give that internship to any woman, she still must meet the rigorous qualification process that Stark Industries demands of each of its employees. So in years when we do not have a qualified woman to take the internship, it will remain vacant. That’s where you young women come in. To ensure we have a pool of talented and remarkable women to fill that internship and other paid vacancies at Stark Industries, we are launching a Women in STEM summer camp and afterschool program across the United States. There will be no charge to attend, in order to ensure that any young woman who has a desire to learn can access the programs. The application process for the programs is set up to expose you to academic applications and interviews long before they will alter the course of your life. In our programs, you will be exposed not only to all aspects of the STEM fields but to academic and professional counselling. I am so excited to offer this opportunity to girls across America, and I hope you will all apply to attend. Ella is here to talk to you about her field, which is Engineering. She’s been working at Stark Industries for just over a month, and we are thrilled to have her with us. She beat out 1700 other applicants, both men and women, to be our first choice for the internship program this summer. Once she is finished telling you a little about what she does, she and I will both be happy to answer questions.” Pepper stepped back from the mic and the girls all cheered again. I felt a little bit like a rock star.

“Hi. Like both your principal and Ms. Potts have said, my name is Ella Carmichael, and I’m an intern at Stark Industries. But that’s who I am now. Let me tell you about who I was when I was your age. I was the only girl in advanced calculus, which I took in grade 10. I fell in love with physics when I was about 16, and wanted to play with the building blocks of the universe, so I also pursued biology and chemistry. When I was in twelfth grade, I built a water-free hand-washing station for the school nurse instead of going to prom. Now, I’m not suggesting you need to sacrifice your social life in order to succeed. I didn’t have access to an awesome initiative like the one Ms. Potts has developed. She didn’t mention it, but she has all the top STEM companies and major technology schools on board with sponsoring her program. It started with Ms. Potts and Stark Industries, but this is a program that is going to help you succeed, regardless of where you wind up for post-secondary or who eventually employs you. Employers and college recruiters are going to be looking for this program on your resume,” I began. “This is why I’m so excited to be part of promoting it. I wish there had been something this awesome when I was in high school. I wish there’d be a place where I could be among other women and learn, and be encouraged to pursue the sciences. You have that opportunity!” I continued on, elaborating on what I was working on at Stark, and what I saw for the future. Pepper had asked me to keep it under ten minutes, but I think I managed to say everything I wanted to in about five. She stepped back up to the microphone and opened the floor for questions.

“My question is for Ms. Carmichael. I did some reading up on you, and was wondering why you changed your focus from biochem to engineering?” A tall, slim girl asked.

“I really like building things, and I also realized I couldn’t do everything. I’d read an article that had been written about the arc reactor that Tony Stark had built, and the opportunities in clean energy that it had opened up, and I saw a niche that was new and developing and exciting. Everything we use, every machine we have ever built to help make our lives easier, all run on energy of some sort. And most of that energy is non-renewable, ‘dirty’ in some way,” I put air quotes around the word when I said it. “How exciting to be able to adapt that arc reactor technology to common everyday use, and minimize the damage we are doing to our planet by using a renewable, clean energy source, and making it affordable and easily accessible to the average consumer? I feel like I’m making the world a better place in this field.”

“Have you met Tony Stark?” Another girl asked.

“That one must be for you, too, Ella,” Pepper laughed, “since I’m dating him.”

“I have. He’s exactly as overwhelming as you think he would be. But he’s also really cool. He’s ridiculously brilliant, so he’s a great sounding board, and he will often see where you’re headed with an idea before you’ve totally finished having the thought. And yet he still allows you to take credit for it. Kind of awesome in a boss,” I nodded.

“What are you building right now?”

“I’m working on a washing machine that uses the arc reactor technology to power it, and incorporates water reclamation technology to minimize waste water,” I explained. “It sounds really boring, but just wait until you’ve lived in a college dorm and the machines keep destroying your interview clothes.”

“Have you met any of the other Avengers?”

“I have had the opportunity to work with Dr. Banner on a project recently. The other members of the Avengers are in and out of the tower fairly regularly, but I work in research and development and don’t get up to their floors as a rule. This internship is really cool because Mr. Stark has ensured that I have had an opportunity to meet some of the top minds in science right now. My direct supervisor is Dr. Markus Reid. Some of you will recognize his name from his contributions to the last space mission.” I redirected the question, just as I’d promised the principal.

The girls had a million other questions, it seemed, and the hour we’d been scheduled for flew by as Pepper and I fielded their inquiries. When we wrapped up, a few girls approached the stage as Pepper and I were packing up. One girl, in particular, cleared her throat to get our attention.

“I’m sorry to bother you, Ms. Carmichael, but I had a question that I didn’t think was appropriate for the Q and A,” she began.

“Well, it might not be appropriate now either,” I warned her, wondering what she could possibly want to know about.

“My dad works for Stark, and he said he saw you lift Thor’s hammer the first day you were there.” It was a question, even if she seemed to be just stating facts.

“He did, did he?” I laughed. “Scientists and engineers, I’m sure your dad has told you, like to know how things work. And when you see a huge hammer that seems like it wouldn’t really be good for building anything just laying around, well, maybe you want to know what the heck it is.”

“So did you lift it? Because the SHIELD database says it can only be lifted by Thor,” she asked.

“That database was uploaded to the public over eight months ago,” I hedged. “It might be wrong.”

“You aren’t actually going to tell me, are you?” She sighed. I laughed.

“I hate to speak in riddles, but a good scientist observes the world around her. And makes deductions from what she sees and hears. Think about what I’ve already told you. I’ve probably already given you the answer,” I teased. “I’d like to know it’s you when we see your application. What is your name?”

“Caroline Hunt,” she replied. “Thank you for the talk today. Dad really wanted me to attend and I wasn’t sure. But I think I will apply for the after-school program.”

XXX

After the revelation about my parentage, I’d thrown myself into my work, and the STEM project, rather than make any attempt at being social. I thought I’d been really subtle about it, and was only going to be perceived as dedicated to my work. I was still spending time with Angela, as we’d really clicked well during my orientation weeks, but otherwise, I was avoiding any situations that would put me in line for interaction with anyone that lived above the 75th floor. I just didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of the revelation that my father was the nemesis of everyone involved with the Avengers. Despite my efforts to appear merely busy, my behaviour had been noticed.

“Tony tells me you’ve missed two scheduled meetings with him,” Pepper started. We’d settled into the car on the way back from the school talk. I tensed up.

“I didn’t miss two. I asked for one to be rescheduled twice,” I protested.

“Let’s not split hairs, Ella. Tony says you are avoiding him. Is there something wrong with your project? Are you behind? If you’re behind because you are working with me on this girl’s program, you need to tell me,” she pressed.

“Everything with my project is exactly in line with the revised schedule I submitted after agreeing to be part of your program, Pepper,” I admitted.

“So why are you needing to reschedule meetings with Tony?” Her forehead furrowed in confusion.

“I don’t want to get behind,” I lied. It sounded weak, even to me.

“Ella. What is going on? I know Tony can be difficult. If you’re having issues with him –“

“Oh my god, Pepper, no!” I interrupted. I’m not sure what kind of problems she was alluding to, and didn’t really want to know how many times she’d had that kind of conversation with an employee. Tony was notorious for his short attention span, and ability to cut down talent with his biting sarcasm, but it wasn’t an issue I had. I’d been fighting my way through this field since I was in high school. There really wasn’t anything Tony could say or do that could possibly faze me.

“Then what is going on?” She demanded. I looked out the window of the car, not wanting to engage. I should have realized that Pepper would be a master at waiting out long sulks. She said nothing and just waited for me to respond. It was obvious her mind was also never at rest because as the minutes dragged on, she suddenly gasped. “Is this about your DNA results? This is about Loki, isn’t it?”

I turned back to face her, my mask of cool indifference crumbling. I felt the tears biting at the corners of my eyes again and drew in a deep breath to try to control myself. “Do you blame me? I came to Stark Industries looking to change the world. What I got rocked my universe to the core. I don’t want to talk to people my genetic donor desperately tried to destroy. I don’t want to see the judgement in their eyes when they look at me, wondering if I’ll snap and be just as evil and insane as he is.”

“I’m sure no one thinks that of you, Ella.” Pepper placed a hand on my arm to reassure me. It was hot on my cool skin, and yet, somehow it was comforting.

“The only person who hasn’t changed has been you, Pepper. Thor is obsequious; he’s so desperate to right whatever wrongs happened between him and Loki. Tony tries to act indifferent, but there’s a cautious edge to everything he says to me. And Bruce? I haven’t seen him since we spoke about the results of my DNA testing, but I could see the,” I paused, looking for the word, “loathing? Fear? Whatever it was, I could see it in his eyes. I’m a liability. I’m surprised you haven’t bowed to the pressure and terminated my internship.” There was something about the gentle way that Pepper handled everything that made me blurt everything out. Highly inappropriate professional behaviour around your boss, I would guess, but I couldn’t help myself.

“If those things were really true, I would have terminated your employment the day we got the results. But Tony and I have had a number of long conversations about your situation. You are right, in some ways. He is cautious about you, but not because he’s worried about some hidden potential for mischief. He’s concerned about your safety. Loki had allies, and enemies, both of which could see you as a target, should they discover who you really are. We both feel that the best place for you is here, where we can ensure your safety,” she explained. “As for Thor, well, you might be right. But I think he is also lonely for his own kind, and you are more like him than anyone else on earth. He sees you as family, and is trying to make up for lost years. Bruce, on the other hand, is on a scheduled retreat, and totally is not avoiding you for any reason other than that he’s relaxing in the wilds of northern British Columbia.”

I felt a bit like an idiot. I said as much. Pepper laughed. “I’m sorry. I still haven’t spoken to my mother about this. I’m feeling very out of sorts. It’s been affecting my work and I swear it won’t continue to be an issue,” I admitted.

“Ella, you have nothing to apologize for. It’s not affecting your work. If every employee at Stark threw themselves into their projects like you have when they had personal issues arise, we’d increase our productivity by 1000%. But you’re more than a commodity, and I have been worried about you. Join Tony and me for dinner tonight. We need to address some of these concerns.” Even though her tone was inviting, I understood that declining the request was not an option.

​#tagsClose

[wonder-galixy]

~~~First Day~~~

New jobs are scary. Supposedly.

Walking up to the Pizza-Plex filled me with childish glee more than anything. Fazbear Entertainment was the leader in the tech industry. From coding miracles to unique machinery, it was the place I’ve been dreaming of working for. Applying and interviewing was completely digital, all zoom calls and online testing. That includes tons of PDF files about qualifications, education, and previous work experiences.

I walk through the Pizza-Plex, towards  one of the employee break rooms. Today’s the first day, the test day, and I made sure to be early. However, changing into the proper uniform ate up any extra time I had planned. I ultimately left the locker room with my uniform slightly disheveled, and without wearing the uniform’s hat. But I did remember the Fazwatch, a small detail I’m proud about.

I made my way to the atrium when the speaker system blared out, “The Pizza-Plex will be closing in 5 minutes, please gather any children or belongings and make your way to the main entrance. We hope to see you again, have a faz-tastic day.”

The crowds fizzled out quickly after that. I watch the families crowd the gift-shop one last time before filing out the giant double doors. (Or would they be quadruple doors? I mean, it’s 4 pairs of doors-) The shutters lower after the last child leaves. I double-check them to make sure they’re locked. Mom always said to double-check, even triple-check, (just about) everything.

The shutters were, indeed, locked. So I switched my attention back to my Fazwatch and the email for all my tasks for tonight. I start to wander while reading through the email, my excitement slowly building with each step I took down Rockstar Row. Eventually, I just had to stop and-

“YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!” My voice echoed through this small section of hallway, “I DID IT!!! I’M EMPLOYED BY FREAKIN’ FAZBEAR ENTERTAINMENT!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

I collapse to my knees and continue yelling, eventually devolving into flailing around on the floor. Eventually, my lungs ran out of air and my arms tired out. I take a few deep breaths before getting back on my feet. Bringing my head back up, my eyes land on some iconic Glam Rock robots. Lo and behold, all four band members are standing in the hall with me, they probably left their rooms upon hearing me scream and fall to the floor. If they were capable of judgment, they’d be judging me.

“You’re Freddy Fazbear!!!” The words leave my mouth before thinking. 

The resident bear smiles lightly with a small wave, “Indeed I am. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Rockstar. You’re the new mechanic, correct?”

“Indeed I am!”

“How did a child end up working here?” Roxy pipes up from behind Freddy.

“Hey! I’m an adult! I’m in college!!” I scoff in a fake sense of insulted.

“Oh! I love the enthusiasm!” Chica chirps up next to Roxy.

“Oh, you’re gonna get on my nerves fast.” Monty says (probably under his breath) before walking back into his room.

“I’ll apologize in advance for Monty’s behavior-”

I brush off the offense and attempt at an apology before Freddy is even finished, “Nah, it’s fine. Honestly, it wouldn’t be Monty without some trouble.”

I resume my walk and skim over the email one last time, “Anyway, I need to… check the photo-booths, un-jam a claw machine, and… stuff!” 

“Ah! Of course, I didn’t mean to bother you. But! If you need any help, you can call one of us with your FazWatch. Good luck!” Freddy waves me off. What a start to an adventure! 

There’s a bounce in my step as I make my way to the atrium. Most of the tasks are simple repairs that take 2-3 minutes. With my education, a beginner’s mechanics class was required. I could get these done sooner, but I forgot to bring my toolbox. I always forget something, how foolish. The photo-booths needed more photo film, which was always in a supply closet nearby. Very convenient. 

The photobooths took the longest, followed by taking out the trash, followed by finding the trash compactor. This landed me in the arcade, unjamming a claw machine. Something is stuck in the trapdoor, making it unable to close, but also blocking any prizes from getting out. I’ve been toying with it for a few minutes, but I can’t make any serious progress without a screwdriver. The lights haven’t gone out yet, I think it’s because it’s Sunday. The Pizza-Plex closes earlier on Sunday (if only by a few hours), but the lights are still on their regular schedule. 

I resort to using my employee card as a make-shift wedge to get the screws loose. Thus, removing the prize hatch from the claw machine. A button eye from a plush falls out from the hatch. Do I need to be concerned there’s a plush without an eye? Should I dig through the machine to check?

My alarm is the one thing that snaps me out of my thoughts. My shift is officially over and I need to clock out. It’s better to get out on time, Fazbear Entertainment doesn’t do overtime pay. I hastily screw the metal sheet back onto the machine and (just as hastily) organize my belongings. On my walk back to the employee break room, I decided to finally use the call feature on my Fazwatch to page everyone.

“Ok guys! It’s 12 a.m and my shift is over. I’ll see you guys tomorrow from 7 to 12 for routine maintenance. Have a good night!”

Freddy and Chica are the only ones to fully respond, Roxy gives a non-commital grunt through the watch, and Monty is completely silent. The same goes for the Daycare Attendant and the ‘S.T.A.F.F’ channel. Just fine. I double-check my belongings before raising the automatic shutters on the front door. I have all the key items and some miscellaneous things, button eye included, and finally walk out of the Pizza-Plex.

[daburuwosagase]

Guess I'll do a year review for the heck of it.

2022 sucked badly for me and for many loved ones (you know who you are). It's been very trying from start to finish. A lot of my coping mechanisms just did not work. There is no silver lining in losing family and friends. There were so many awful circumstances popping up without rest that left me feeling powerless. Dates are arbitrary, but I have been looking forward to the end of the year since March.

In the coming year, I want to get off the internet and go outside, get a job in the field I'm actually trained for, focus on one-on-one relationships, whatever else will make me feel like I'm progressing with my life. I've been very thankful to have physical stability all this year and last. But it's time to get back up.

Recounting all the awful stuff would just be a downer, so I'll list off the positives:

Graduated after six years! Got oodles of qualifications! Sure would be nice if an employer took notice! I worked my butt off to actually get good grades in the last semester and boost my GPA over that 3.5 threshold. I think I'd have been really frustrated if I had ended up at 3.49. So I'm proud of myself for pouring effort into my own future for once.

(Technically) finished up the biggest translation project I've ever done. I'm not taking on that much unpaid solo work ever again. But wow, I think I deserve street cred forever for that one.

Got foot surgery after four years! Now that I'm *literally* back on my feet, it's...

...actually, I'm gonna derail this post and talk candidly about that. I just did my exercises for the night and my legs are feeling great. I bounced up the stairs with a spring in my step earlier today, and moderately quickly at that. I've been able to go on walks around the neighborhood and still have strength after getting back home. I can just STAND. Back in the summer, I couldn't even stand around normally without some pain.

I'm frustrated with myself for not getting help earlier, for always thinking "yeah it was pretty bad last week but it's feeling better, so no need to call the doctor, right?", for taking so long to progress to surgery even when I finally DID see a doctor. It shouldn't have taken four goddamn years when, according to what I'm reading, surgery can be considered after six months for what I had.

If you're reading this right now and you experience chronic pain: please schedule an appointment. Don't wait for the next flareup.

Anyway, it got so bad that I just couldn't walk. The pain wasn't like constantly walking on spikes — it only felt like that for brief moments here and there, as if that's much better. But it WAS constant, and eventually would hurt even when sitting down. And I was wondering if I was going to be stuck in pain for the rest of my life, not able to go anywhere, not able to do anything about it. And I *did* give up on going outside and standing in the kitchen long enough to make a meal.

When the doctor explained surgery as an option to me, it sounded too good to be true. Nothing else had worked, yet this method was supposed to be a total cure? She made it sound pretty damn perfect though. So I scheduled a date, put my life on hold for two months, and actually started to feel hopeful. Only a month left of grinning and bearing it, only a few weeks, a few days...

...and like I thought, something just HAD to go wrong. Just like every other thing this year. One stupid false positive test and eeeverything got rescheduled, and the month-long timer got reset, and I was heartbroken. It hurt so much and I was so scared that it'd happen again.

But as you know, I *did* get the surgery. I was insanely anxious in those last three days beforehand, but by god, afterward, there was NO pain in the places where it'd been constant before. Sure, I could only crawl for two weeks, and I'm still relearning how to walk properly, but holy crap! I can move around! I can stand around aimlessly and it doesn't hurt! I could probably run, though I haven't tried! I managed to walk around for two hours on uneven ground last month and see the sights of a nearby national park, and it was beautiful and unbelievably peaceful and it's a memory I'll treasure for life. We're planning to revisit the same place next month, and while I know it won't be the same as that perfect first time, I'm still so excited for it. I can plan in advance again! I have things to look forward to again! All of this seemed impossible a few months ago!

I'm still holding my breath a little because this year has just burned me over and over again. But the groundwork has been laid for things to get better.