#my self worth is completely based on how well i do in certain things lol

[chryblossomjjk]

I seek academic validation so the idea of not getting straight A's makes my skin crawl. When I learned that at my university a 92.9% equals to 3.67 instead of your typical 4.0 I panicked. I went to a community college in the past and did not realize how different the grading system could be. I am going fulltime next year in a health related program for two years and I am nervous about it since it is in the same university.

Those professors should not exist, like would 0.9 or 0.4 kill them??!! I know I am going to encounter this and I wish us the best of luck 💜. As a reminder to the both us, we tried and did what we could!

Of course the practice couple sits next to each other, they are in luv and who wouldn't be with JK next to them.

Sorry for the ramble!

oh healthcare is difficult but if you push through, you'll have such a bright future with a fulfilling and lucrative career! wishing you all the best sweetheart, you deserve it! <3

something that helped me was doing like half in person and half online courses! unfortunately, my current college will not allow financial aid if u do that lol, but if you're able to and worried about time management, i would definitely suggest it! you got this friend!

[tarot-by-e11e]

Hi! First of all, I would like to thank you for answering my question. You were on point with the issues you mentioned since these are issues I'm aware I still have and am continuing working on.

Also, Stevie Wonder is a classic and you can never go wrong with his songs. I really love this song to the point that when I first heard it, a sort of vision popped up in my mind. Lol. Idk if that's weird or anything but that's how I felt when I first heard my fave song from him.

As for the things I have to work on, a little backstory, I actually removed lots of people from my life when I started actually seeing that I deserve more than what I've been receiving. Had my spiritual awakening last 2022, strengthened my knowledge in 2023, and finally acted upon things that no longer reasonate with me late 2023 to present. I believe I've changed parts of myself for the better and even with the things mentioned, I have started my work on them. However, I guess since I was in a lack and self-depreciating mindset for so long, it's not something that would leave easily. Say, for example, patience towards myself, I believe there has been some improvement on this part of my life but I still strugfle with my perfectionist tendencies which make me frustrated sometimes.

Also, I just know spending habits would be here. Haha! I don't order/buy a lot online, however I like spending time in cafes and that's something I know I have to be more thrifty of.

For the third and last part, I think I understand the depth of these comments. I believe I can already defemd myself from people who don't know me personally and not feel like they're better than me. However, with certain family members, I do admit there are still times I relapse regarding boundaries and people-pleasing.

Well, life is a continuous learning process and I'm willing to change myself for the better. So, thank you for these again!

Hi dear,

I'm really grateful you took the time to be thorough with your feedback.

So for starters, congratulations and welcome to your spiritual journey! It's not all rainbows and butterflies but it is definitely worth it. Please please please, multiplied to infinity, be gentle with yourself!

What you've been doing and what you've gone through is something only you can survive and learn and grow from. Don't invalidate your progress just because someone you know has gone through worse. It's not fair to you and your hard work and yehey!!! for cutting toxic people out of your life, well majority, right(?)

I was honestly shocked with the Add to Cart is not therapy part! Like gurrrrllll, OMG same!!! It's more of, instead of cutting it out completely, you should put your money on your necessities and bills first before the cafes~

Lastly, I've read somewhere that a person's biggest bullies(whether secretly or obviously) are blood relatives. (also agreeing, based on experience huhuhhuhuhu)

So yesssss on your perspective about learning process~

Take the necessary steps towards your journey in a sustainable(with your energy) manner.

Again, thank you so much for you feedback!

[batsplat]

how has the motogp fan community grown/changed since you became a follower? can i get your thoughts on more fans coming in especially from f1? or on liberty media taking over? what are we hoping/bracing ourselves for?

honestly, I'm not the best person to answer the first question, because I've really not engaged all that much with the motogp fan community over the years... motogp isn't a massive thing in either the country I'm from or the country in which I currently reside, and I've only very rarely come across people irl who have any sort of interest in it. it's really just been through reddit, other forums, comments under blog posts on popular motogp sites, that sort of thing. I don't think reddit is a bad way to follow the sport - you've got all the hot topics but also stuff that's a little... broader than you'd get say on tumblr, about the more technical side or folks talking about less-discussed riders from the past, anecdotes from older fans, that sort of thing. it's also free and easy to not click on any post about sepang 2015, though admittedly there have been times where all these sites were quasi-unusable (hey ho argentina 2018). but I don't really feel like that community has massively changed, apart from maybe becoming a bit bigger and just having... more posts in general? you definitely get shifting opinions over time, sometimes it's a bit of a hive mind in terms of which riders are flavour of the month... so for instance bez was a lot more well-liked twelve months ago. but that kind of thing is common across all sports-oriented subreddits in my experience

I have checked in with the twitter fandom a few times in recent years just to see if, you know, it exists, and sure there's a few journalists and commentators it's worth keeping up with, but beyond that? there is a kernel of motogp-flavoured stan twt but a) many of them are primarily f1 fans, and b) their way of engaging with the sport is so alien to me that I generally take one look and then very much look away. as for the tumblr fandom, I can't speak to that at all though I'm sure others on here could tell you a lot more. I realised this bit of tumblr existed by complete accident at the start of the year. never even crossed my mind that this is a sport that would have an actual fandom on tumblr, god knows sports I follow I would consider a lot more mainstream barely do

as for new fans from f1... you know, what can you do, really. it's a good thing if the sport's fanbase as a whole becomes younger and more diverse, even if personally I am not a dorna shareholder and don't really care all that much about 'growing the sport'. new fans will bring their own biases and preconceptions and mostly not care about the bits of the sport that I care about... but that's how it's supposed to be, no? get them invested in the new riders, find all these young acosta and aldeguer and alonso fans to liven up the sport in the future. at a certain point you just have to learn not to care about what the wider fandom thinks about a lot of things. I have seen countless wildly inaccurate takes on this sport for years - which, yes, often there are howlers from newer fans who are clearly missing a lot of context, but also older fans can be flat out wrong about plenty of stuff. new fans migrating from f1 or whatever will create what... well, it's essentially fanon lol, based on how other fans introduce them to the sport as well as to certain historical events. but, you know, that already exists on here, and there's plenty of popular interpretations of these riders and past events and the current landscape of the sport that I personally strongly disagree with or are just... not true. plus ça change. stop worrying about a foreign takeover and just be careful to curate your space, imo - you can avoid most of the truly annoying stuff if you exercise self-control

generally speaking, I imagine more fans in a space like tumblr will lead to more polarisation and fragmentation in a way you can't quite afford in the same way in a smaller community. more drama, more controversy with more people who can potentially set it off and more people inclined to drag it out. corners that are based increasingly around specific riders or specific sets of riders. there's always upsides and downsides to that kind of thing in any fan space... you get more stuff created by fans, more art and fic and fanvids and essays about two decade old rivalries (funnily enough I'm not massively expecting an uptick in that particular market). more fans for riders who don't currently get a lot of attention. you do also get more discourse and more controversy... hopefully the most conflict-happy new fans stick to twitter. but at the end of the day, everyone starts out as the fan others want to gatekeep against, and it's not like you can actually stop them from joining, so. whatever. also, who knows if the sport really will actually 'take off'. I follow a sport for which a netflix show was announced and a lot of people were expecting something along the lines of the drive to survive-effect. so much posting and think pieces a dozen about whether the new fans would have the wrong opinions on all manner of hot topic issue. in the end, the show flopped and we got fuck all new fans, so that was a massive waste of everyone's time lol. motogp has itself been through something similar with the ill-fated prime show where they bungled the release... you never really know

that being said, it is quite likely that if the liberty media purchase goes through, they will do a pretty good job of attracting new fans. they've broadly done a good job with f1 - and it's not like they can really be blamed for most of the problems with the actual racing. it wouldn't be a bad thing to get new races in the states, as long as they're good ones (my problem with the newer races certainly isn't location but is with some of the rather drab circuit layouts) - and if f1 is anything to go by, I doubt we're going to lose any of the series' gems. quite frankly, if we need to cut a few european circuits, not wanting to name any names but I do have a bit of a shortlist. further calendar bloating is a worry, but for various reasons it's not going to happen in the short- to medium-term. and unlike in f1 there's less enthusiasm at the prospect on the part of the actual teams (also, crucially, the tyre supplier). obviously street circuits aren't going to happen. hopefully, some aspects of the way the sport is presented to audiences will be improved - from the actual television product, to what footage is released to fans, to how much we see of riders further down the field, and so on. hopefully, the sport will become more accessible to more fans in terms of viewing options... but yeah, how riders lower down the field are treated is I think the main thing I'd like to see change. hey, maybe we'll finally have access to more on-board cameras. maybe they'll finally show us the controversial and presumably interesting incidents happening outside of the top ten in any given race. my main worry just from a selfish perspective is any change to the videopass product (unless they'd like to make it a wee bit cheaper). I'm just about willing to shell out the amount I currently do given I heavily make use of the archives and think it's a fantastic resource, but for instance in f1 there's geo-restrictions to the kind of f1.tv you have access to... there's always the slight concern what new tv deals might change. still, this is all pretty minor stuff, and really I don't expect liberty media to be either able or willing to come in and make radical changes to how the sport currently works. concerns about ticket prices and fan experiences are also reasonable, though as someone who hasn't had the money/opportunity to visit any races myself, I really can't bring a lot to the table to that discussion beyond 'I hope it doesn't become prohibitively expensive'

of course, there's some things I very much want to see retained, for instance I'd hate it if liberty pushes for riders to speak english more often. also, we need to petition them to bring back the press conference table. overall, though... some of the changes will probably be bad, a lot of them will hopefully be good. change is necessary and motogp needs to finally adapt to a post-rossi world. it's unhealthy for a sport to continue to rely on the second hand glow from a man who retired years ago, to pray that the fans he created are somehow going to continue to care if you don't give them a reason to. rossi revolutionalised the sport, but eventually you need a new revolution. anecdotally and according to various podcasts, there's finally been a shift this year away from just crowds of yellow at all these circuits... which is categorically a good thing. above all, you need fans to care about the current product, make them fans of the current racing, the current riders, while also providing them opportunity to get interested and emotionally invested in the history of the sport. a lot of them will ignore that history... but eventually, that's how the cycle goes with everything. you don't get much discussion of, say, doohan these days on tumblr, and time will creep up on all these riders. you see it on here with how many newer fans say they went back to watch races starting from 2013 - because they care about the marquez era and are less interested (if at all) in either rossi's golden years or the alien era. which is how it should be... you cannot expect new fans to care about over twenty years of racing when they're just getting started (if they ever will). all you can do as a sport is hook them with whatever they're willing to be hooked with, and gently nudge them wherever they're willing to be gently nudged to. and if the end product of all that change is something that's more palpable to the masses but less suited to your personal tastes... well, you can always watch the old stuff

[meteor752]

How exactly did the couples get together? Like who started dating first, and we’re there ever other crushes (This is about the Double Life kids btw)

-💀

Oh yeah I figured

The coupling of the kids is actually a bit of a difficult question, because honestly I just kinda paired them up at complete random lol. When I couple my OCs I usually give it a lot of thought, but here I didn’t care because I thought nothing more would come of it after that first post

Boy was I wrong

But the one thing I have known is the order in which they got together. Firstly Liana+Jassy, lastly Jekiv+Wes, with Novo+Gertrude there in the middle

(Also the reason Johnny was the one without a partner is because whenever I think of these kids there’s always one I forget for a moment, and this time it was Johnny boy. Sorry to all the Johnny fans)

I do have some thoughts

So in the beginning of Double Life, Team Scarian and Team Smalletho were actually kinda bros. They weren’t like full allies, but they were pals ya know. Couple of guys being dudes. So I imagine that slipped into the kids as well

In the beginning, the care taking of the children was probably not the highest priority on everyone’s mind. Sure, they were just infants (or an egg in Liana’s case), but this was two weeks after the games started, everyone was scrambling to set up their bases and get as much material as possible before it ran out in their limited space

So sure, as babbus the kids got a lot of attention cause you can’t just leave an infant alone, but when the kids grew into toddlers certain parents would kinda collab in it, like one of them watches the kids while the other three grind

So Jassy and Liana have always been pals. They were naturally drawn to each other, as strange as it is. I mean, on first glance this silent ninja and charming business entrepreneur have nothing at all in common. But in the famous words of Selena Gomez herself, Everything is not what it seems.

Jassy is a dumb pun loving goofball at heart, who idolizes her dad to the point where he can do no wrong, and is a huge geek for horror stories.

Liana is an overthinking know it all with self worth issues, that has a bit of a sciency side and a curious it’s to always learn more, and a tendency for trouble.

So yeah they get along.

I don’t know how they would get together actually, but they feel like one of those couples who’s just always been you know. Like if you’d ask any of the others when Liana and Jassy started dating, they would probably just shrug because they don’t know, they’ve been together for as long as they can remember. Even the two of them probably forget how and when it happened from time to time.

Novo and Gertrude is interesting, because it takes the most eccentric and crazy of the kids, and pair him with the most laid back and chill one. I love dynamics like that.

Unlike Jassy and Liana, I doubt Box duo and Scott/Pearl would have had much collaboration with raising their kids. Scott had Cleo, Pearl would just bring Novo with her or leave him with Tilly, and Box duo had Martyn, who abandoned his kid.

So Novo and Gertrude would get together when they got older and got put on a longer leash, aka when the kids just did whatever. I feel like if the kids would ever do something they would pair Novo and Gert together because, well, she’s chill and can keep an eye on him. Also if he gets himself into trouble she can just carry him away from it.

So the two spent a lot of time together, talking and bonding. A common ground they had were their parental issues, with one of their parents looking towards others outside of the soul bond while the other was just left alone.

Gertrude has some built up issues there, and Novo was surprisingly a great listener. He was kind of the only other person able to relate to her problems.

(Well, Liana can relate as well, but she some problems with repressing her emotions, plus her and Gert aren’t exactly that close)

So yeah, smooching and forming a relationship was just the next natural step lol. They were like fourteen, what do you want from me?

And then there’s Jekiv and Wes. The two who just kind of…got grouped together in my mind. Looking at their personalities and their habits, there isn’t much that actually indicated that they would be a good couple. Jekiv is sarcastic with a lot of curiosity, and a real fascination with death. Wes is anxious with severe OCD and imposter syndrome.

They don’t click in the same way the other two couples do, and I think in universe that’s kind of true as well.

As I’ve mentioned before, Johnny is aromantic. Romantic love is not something he’s interested in at all, in fact it kinda grosses him out. He’s got nothing against platonic love, or sexual attraction, but he just doesn’t feel the romantic thing, and he’s okay with that.

As a bab he was probably a bit scared to tell others that though.

So when Gertrude and Novo got together, he would probably be the first to push Jekiv and Wes towards each other. Because, if those two are dating then oh no, there won’t be anyone left for him to date, whatever will he do???

And soon the others found out what he was trying to do, and gladly assisted, because hey they’re happy in their relationships, plus the two of them are perfect together! They are….they have….well they just are!

So yeah, Wes and Jekiv were kinda forced to be together 24/7.

“Oh sorry I can’t hang out today, I promised mom I’d help her upgrade the farm! But hey Jekiv is free!”

“I heard Wes is working on an extension to the pool, maybe you should go and help!”

“Jekiv is trying to capture a skeleton, why don’t you help him! You’re strong and stuff!”

And yeah, Wes and Jek didn’t mind each other’s company. Sure, they didn’t have that much in common, but they still had enough common ground to hold multiple conversations.

And yeah, when they both were tricked into going on a “romantic dinner” in the bowel of The Relation, why not just start dating?

It wasn’t a bad relationship. Jekiv is extremely patient (Something that kind of stems from sitting around half of the time just waiting for everyone to wake up so he’s not alone anymore), and is great support to Wes’ anxiety attacks. It doesn’t matter to him that Wes has to check every door three times before they leave, or it takes an hour to set the table just because everything needs to be precise.

The same goes for Wes, he’s good at listening when Jekiv needs to let out steam about his dad, or his mom, or Novo who won’t leave him the fuck alone. He’s not that creeped out by the death experiments, and will gladly assist Jek in getting any body part he can from a Zombie or Creeper. He’s a good fighter while Jekiv isn’t, so he will kick anyones ass who dares mess with him.

They’re good friends! Just a bit of an awkward couple.

They do romantic things, go on dates, kiss, the devils tango, they just…kind of stumbled into it.

And yeah, over time they probably grew to love each other romantically, but they both know that from the start their relationship wasn’t genuine. It was partly just to get everyone off their backs about it lol.

And as for crushes, well the kids have kinda crushed all over the place.

At least three of the kids has had crushes on Wes, Gertrude, and Liana. Hot people stay hot.

Novo used to crush on Jassy. She was dating Liana at the time so he never told her.

Wes has had a crush on Novo, who’s straight so yeah.

Gertrude has a crush on Johnny. He rejected her when she told him, and they still remained friends.

Jekiv is the one who’s had crushes on the most people actually. Only one he hasn’t felt anything for is Novo, but that’s cause they’re like pseudo brothers

[amazingmsme]

Omg that tag vid 🤣 I can completely picture the main trio just spinning around the watch post and feigning going left or right at the cafe tables, tossing chairs to try to slow down each other. As for your most flustering fics hmngh so many of yours put me in Lee mood, and this got long and turned into my rambling like a nerd- apologies in advance!

I'm gonna say the Stanley Parable fics Disobedience Shan't be Rewarded, and Is the Bucket Worth it, Stanley? are some of the ones that get me the most. I think it's the way you right the Narrator. I have a weakness for Gods using their powers to mess with someone helpless and those fics scratch that particular itch for me wonderfully. Also, mock sympathy, and condescension fuck me up so bad in Lers and you write it so well? 🫣

Ooh Hands To Yourself gets me bad though 😭 Pretty sure that fic made me hide my face in blush multiple times; Essek especially took me out in that good Lord I haven't even met him but you made me frightened to haha as an easily flustered Lee. 🤣 There was also quite a few neck and ear tword focus and given those are some of my own worse spots, I was scrunching up reading certain parts there lol. Oh! Another thing about Essek's characterization I loved- how he feigned genuine anger, because I would absolutely panic and trip over myself to people please out of fear and fall right into his trap 🤣 Then after it comes out he's not actually upset and my bad anxiety would go away and turn into anticipation, like right before i go on stage for a performance. I think I'd more just get flustered, jumpy and skittish.

I thought your Castlevania fic The Moderator and the Monster are One in the Same was also super cute; I also wrote an Alucard/Reader fic a while back based on the library scene since it took me out. Still haven't finished the show because I don't want it to end/make me sad haha.

Fuck Off and Let Me Sulk took me out jfc, just found that now and we have similar tword thoughts lmao- Alucard calling Trevor out? I am always down bad for mean, teasy as Hell, Alucard. His voice and mannerisms kill me, and his adorable back and forth with Trevor at the end was so cute?

Okay no more rambling I swear! Hope you had a good rest and that this is semi-coherent; I'm gonna pass out now cause it's nearing 7am 🤣 Getting creative in the middle of the night is both blessing and curse

LXGSMAHSKD THIS IS LIKE THE NICEST THING ANYONE’S EVER SAID OMG THANG YOU ILY!

I remember having so much fun with the Stanley Parable ones, especially the first one! It was pure self indulgence rewarded by an unexpected shower of attention lmao. & omg my sweet baby boy Essek, trust me you’re gonna love this prissy bitch once you meet him! I was literally like a horse trapped in that box before the race & once I officially met him I shot off like a rocket! I really need to write more critickle role tbh cause I have so many ideas! Although I gotta admit, I’m not sure that one’s mine, so can’t take credit for that one, but I do have a long ass shadowgast fic that just so happens to have a very teasy Essek. & don’t get me started on castlevania! Omg I fell so hard for those boys! Their dynamic is so fun & their banter is hilarious! They need their own get along shirt, I feel like it would end badly lzavakdhkq but yeah, Alucard is a teasy bastard & he loves to bother Trevor, & the human is just too cute for his own good

Please don’t apologize for rambling! This made me really happy & it’s so cool to hear about what fics y’all really like! Especially when they’re ones I really enjoyed making! Wish I got better sleep, but the fucking construction woke me up & bug man is coming to spray, so fuck it, we ball. But omg please get some sleep! I mean, I’ve definitely been there after a night of endless creative flow, so I absolutely feel you. Sleep tight, & hope you have sweet dreams! & to everyone else… good morning! 😂

[itsclydebitches]

Hey, this is old question but why do you think Raven left Yang? We never get an explicit answer but why would Raven accept the bird powers from Ozpin, decide to have a baby with Taiyang but leave soon after? Especially when this is before Summer died and Ruby was born. Personally I feel like we should have seen Raven in V7-8 because Yang's arc with her just feels so unresolved.

Yeah, it does feel pretty unresolved right now. However, based on what we have gotten and what we know about Raven, I personally headcanon: 

She'd have accepted the powers no matter what, once they were offered. Raven, by her own admission, has a survival of the fittest mentality going on. The strong survive, the weak die, and therefore anything that has the potential to make her stronger is automatically something to grab hold of, no matter the cost (example: killing the Spring Maiden. Power equals worth taking a life). Whether Raven took the bird powers with an intention to use them for good, only to abandon that desire once she learned of Salem's immortality, or whether she always had one foot out the back door, ready to abandon Ozpin's cause at the slightest whiff of real danger, the result is still the same: hell yeah an ability that allows her to spy on others, escape bad situations easily, etc. She’ll take it. Personally, I lean towards the latter option. We learn that she and Qrow entered Beacon with the intention of killing huntsmen later and there's almost nothing, to my mind, to suggest that Raven turned away from those views as Qrow did. Not when she so passionately returned to the tribe and took up activities that, although indirectly via grimm, absolutely kill huntsmen. I think Raven played the part of a good little Beacon student, was a decent enough actor and fighter to become a member of Ozpin’s inner circle (benefited by Ozpin’s own tendency to trust/see the best in others, as well as being part of a team made up of Good Guys), happily accepted a HUGELY beneficial bit of magic, and then said, "So long, suckers" when things actually got tough. If Summer hadn't disappeared and Raven had never learned about Salem? Maybe she would have stayed long term, doing the work of a huntress with a few extra war missions on the side. But an immortal enemy who may have killed a teammate? Way too dangerous for Raven's liking. I think she cares about others to a certain extent - years of friendship, a relationship with Tai, and crying beside Yang all point to that - but I don't think that care has ever overridden her own self-interest. If it had, she wouldn't have allowed Vernal to take on the risk of being the Maiden instead of her. If it had, she wouldn't have allowed Yang to take on the risk of the Relic instead of her. If she had, she wouldn't have left not just Yang as her mother, but everyone once she realized how much danger they were all in. Raven puts herself first, always.

Which I think is the explanation for Yang too. We don't know that she decided to have a baby with Tai, we just know that she did have a baby. Accidental pregnancies happen, pregnancies where the father wants the child but the mother doesn't happen, pregnancies where the mother is chill with it at first but once the child is born decide this isn't for them happen... and in Remnant terms, pregnancies where the mother learns more about the war she’s in during those nine months and only then decides to bail could happen too. There are a lot of possibilities here. Personally, being pro-choice and all, I'm of the opinion that Raven is not a horrific person for leaving Yang, more-so due to... everything else she's done lol. Would it be great if life worked in a way where every mother was emotionally ready to parent a child and never ever had one unless they were? Of course! Is that realistic? Not by a longshot. Raven did the Remnant equivalent of giving her kid up for adoption, except actual adoption wasn't needed because the father was in the picture and quite obviously wanted to keep the kid. So Raven has Yang - carries the pregnancy to full term for whatever reason she and/or Tai may have had. Hell, we don’t even know if abortions exist in Remnant - and then wipes her hands of things. If I remember correctly (outside of the comics anyway) Raven really does keep completely out of Yang's life from then on. Summer is her mom. Raven was just the biological parent. For however horrible Raven is in other respects, she had the right to let Summer and Tai raise Yang instead. She stepped out of her life, seemingly unaware that Tai said little about her, resulting in a Yang who grew desperate to find out any scrap about her "real" mom, tracking Raven down despite Raven keeping her distance. But all of this is a long-winded way of saying that Raven never struck me as someone interested in motherhood. We don't know why she decided to have Yang, but once she did... what's a self-serving bandit going to do with a newborn? Unless Raven had decided to raise Yang as a totally loyal second or something, a baby is a danger. A liability. Children, until capable of defending themselves in Remnant, are grimm magnets who provide nothing except love which, as established, Raven doesn't prioritize. She cares about things that will keep her alive, not things that make that life emotionally rich. A child is a wonderful addition... provided you care about that bond more than you care about the effort and, in Remnant's case, the danger a child poses. Raven doesn't seem the type for me. 

So I imagine our timeline is something like:

Raven joins Beacon with an intent to learn how to kill huntsmen

Over four years Qrow changes his views. Maybe she does too, though not as much

Ozpin offers magic (magic!!) to help in this war and Raven grabs the chance to become more powerful with both hands

She has a relationship with Tai

Has Yang, for whatever reasons of her own

Goes back to run her tribe, perhaps already pulling out of the war, or perhaps with one foot still in the door. Either way, she’s not about being a mother 

At some point Summer disappears. This may have clued Raven even more into how dangerous this war is

Finds out about Salem, perhaps via the mysterious missing Jinn question (or others like the Spring Maiden and Lionheart found out from that and Raven learned second-hand)

Completely nopes out of the war from here on out, if she hadn’t 100% left already, because she's all about survival and you definitely don't survive by fighting an immortal enemy. This includes eliminating all contact with her team and family, outside of getting info from Qrow

Gets ahold of the Spring Maiden at some point, killing her to make herself even more powerful 

Is approached by her daughter for a portal and tries to talk some "sense" into her, much like she occasionally does with Qrow 

Joins up with the baddies in an effort to keep herself safe from Salem

Realizes the Relic is actually a danger, so let's Yang have it instead

Goes to Tai for either unknown reasons, or just escaping the vault via his portal, with no intention of stopping to say hi

But if she did, she no doubt had some reason that involved keeping herself safe

All of which is taken with a grain of salt given RWBY’s, uh... less than logical timeline lol 

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

You mentioned that you find it difficult to get into Hoseok’s head about how he thinks in an intimate situation, and that made me curious; how do you think the other boys think in an intimate situation? Like what’s what do you think their thought processes are when you’re writing scenes with each boy? (I feel like I’m just repeating the same thing but idk how else to explain it! Also I apologise if you’ve answered something like this before and I just missed it! :])

I don’t think anyone is prepared for my response to this LOL (you asked for it...). I’m about to get kind of philosophical / psychological / theoretical so uh... if you want to read more, then click. XD

I am the kind of person who thinks multiple trains of thought at once, and I do so when writing intimacy - from the situation the member is in (and the background leading up to it) to the person they’re with (the reader) to the relationships mentioned in the story, because all these things shape reactions and thoughts. Believable intimacy with people the reader is already familiar with (aka BTS) is a hard thing to write (I don’t know these guys, duh). I struggle with it. Sometimes I feel I miss the mark, but again, I don’t know for sure.

Core Concept: I believe everyone has a base personality (the predetermined self you are born with) and that base personality is shaped by the environment, or a learned personality (the self that develops from constant interaction with others). Some people are more influenced than others and the same experience can impact two different people in different ways with differing levels of severity. Not going to get too into it; you get the idea. Also, this theory probably already exists but I am too lazy to look it up. XD

So, this is me detailing base personality, but it will be different in every story, because every situation I write is different (even my PWP - everything I write has underlying emotions, even if it’s only the most carnal, primal need being satisfied; I think it’s boring / not fun to read otherwise). I’m not gonna say “I think” anymore; you’re reading this because you’re asking me what I think. These are not facts. I don’t know BTS on the personal level. This is also why I tend to write AUs over idol!BTS. 

This is just my brain when writing. Okay? Okay.

Kim Namjoon: Would constantly communicate, thus doesn’t get jealous easily. Acknowledges and questions his own judgements. Not afraid to say what he likes / wants, which probably leads to a more dom personality. He does have a ‘leader’ quality to him after all. Able to move in and out of that headspace easily because he is self-aware and attuned to himself due to his introspectiveness. Willing to have prolonged discussions / researching before doing something he hasn’t done before and confident in guiding another once he’s done so. Could have sex with no strings attached (for research, to comfort another, or just to blow some steam)

Kim Seokjin: Takes a while to become intimate. Can be childish at times when communicating and will say things without fully completing the thought (leading to immaturity / jealousy / etc). More likely to want to be led at first so he can feel more comfortable with the other person, but is willing to lead after some experience. Feels that he needs to show his affections with action rather than talk about them and would do so quietly, such as preparing meals (and will remember your preferences and favorite things). Maintains a positive front to avoid causing discomfort which could lead to miscommunication. Playful during nonsexual interactions and becomes more serious during the act.

Min Yoongi: Intuitive. Good at reading people. Doesn’t get involved unless intrigued and feels that the other person is worth knowing (not maliciously, in a curious sense). Like water, adapts to his partner while also still being himself. Doesn’t talk much during sex but is able to read the situation well and communicates nonverbally. Leans more towards dom (the feeling of being in control is important to him), but can sub if his partner is aware that he is the one dictating what happens. Doesn’t easily say “I love you” but it’s obvious by his actions. Pays attention to his partner and is very observant.

Jung Hoseok: Sex is not that important, but rather the other things - matching outfits, cuddling, kissing. A lot of foreplay. Doesn’t like to inconvenience others. Naturally more dom than sub because he doesn’t know how to subdue his desires (but not domineering, if you get what I mean). Needs to be told twice sometimes, gets carried away, can be pushy, but genuinely cheerful most of the time. A long talk can go a long way and is willing to have them if partner initiates. Wise once he becomes serious.

Park Jimin: Fun, playful, kind of a little shit (XD), but can also be shy and unsure if the other person is older / more experienced. Switch, really depends on who he’s with (I’m just more of a dom, so he’s usually written as sub in my stuff). Very much appreciates things being done for him and reciprocates tenfold. Sensitive to wards when serious. Very sexy when asked to be but defaults to cute on a regular basis. Enjoys pushing the limits when he can.

Kim Taehyung: Introspective and careful, although it might not seem that way because he can seem calm / chill. Could have casual sex because he decides how much he wants to care about things. Wants praise from people. Wants to do the things he likes more than trying new things, leading to dom tendencies (but will become interested in stuff on his own). Territorial in the sense that he thinks things should be a certain way but can be talked to change his mind. Pursues what he wants (within reason) and doesn’t ask anyone. His sexiness comes from his confidence in himself.

Jeon Jungkook: Becomes what he thinks his partner wants (and can be wrong). Shows affection by focusing on the other person. Wants to be told he’s wanted which leads to sub tendencies. Dom tendencies when he wants things and can be immature about it (he usually gets what he wants, he’s the youngest after all). The desire of the other person has to be obvious otherwise he gets discouraged. Actions > words, thus can be bad with words. Likes learning from those more experienced. When he loves something, he really loves it (a little obsessive but not malicious). Doesn’t want to reveal everything at once but can be figured out through his actions and body language.

[jaynovz]

tell us more abt the hannibal and black sails parallels pls

Okay, first off, I am so sorry this took so long!! I’ve been moving and shit has been so busy.

Second, yay!! This question. Now I have an excuse to ramble.

Okay so, the two shows do have a lot of similarities. The big one you notice right off the bat is that both have an extremely codependent relationship at the center. 

There are a ton of ways the Flint-Silver and Hannibal-Will relationships parallel, like, they both talk about melding minds with another person, being monstrous, reveling in being monstrous, being made complete by an unlikely source, personas/playing roles/person suits, knowing yourself more completely next to another person, darkness as a source of freedom, something beyond choice/being drawn inexorably into a person’s destructive orbit and being forever changed by it. They deal with the nature of truth, both have supernatural elements, both have religious imagery connected to one half of the ship (Flint and Hannibal both compared to god). 

Also, both shows end with an impossible choice and, ostensibly, tragedy; and they both have open endings that are interpretable based on what you want to believe. 

But at a certain point, the similarities end and the two shows veer off from each other. Namely, the dynamics between the two ships are fundamentally different in a lot of ways, and it's more interesting to look at the ways in which they don't parallel. At the end of the day, the biggest one is that Silverflint is not anywhere near as destructive, whereas for Hannigram, mutual self-destruction is sort of the name of the game. Silverflint may be as codependent but I think the important addition of either Madi or Thomas or (ideally) both, helps make the relationship a lot healthier. If they would actually just talk to each other and work some shit out, it could be great. This is of course contingent on whether you think one or the other could compromise. (The compromise being that they come to some middle ground between Flint giving up the big picture Cause for personal happiness, or Silver throwing in genuinely with the idea of revolution and it being worth the risk of the people most important to him.) The end tragedy of Black Sails sets us in a spot where it doesn’t seem like either Flint or Silver are willing to do so, but perhaps one or the other could grow and change (with helpful mediation, as stated.)

Whereas Hannigram, well. It’s rooted from the very beginning in gaslighting, manipulation, and a completely skewed power balance. It’s absolutely like, this person has done so much bad shit to you, they’ve killed people you love, they’ve sent people to kill you, they’ve lied to you, isolated you, made you fundamentally doubt what kind of person you are etc. But still, you literally can’t cut them out of your life because nothing is ever going to compare to the experience of having them around even if it’s, most often, largely a negative influence. Like, damn. So dark, so unhealthy. They’re the zero-sum game. 

For Will it’s: you love this terrible, terrible thing and you hate yourself for loving it, but also can’t deny it and it makes you feel alive. And for Hannibal, Will’s really the only person who can understand and accept him, but also is uniquely positioned to be able to lie to him, manipulate him in return, and be his utter ruin. They both tried to cut each other out and it didn’t work. So, can’t live with him and can’t live without him. That’s why we end with a cliff dive (impossible choice), Will can’t abide the thought that this thing that is objectively terrible, this ugly thing, is the thing he wants desperately, but he also can’t give it up. So it’s like, “let me try to do my last little bit to society by throwing both our asses off of this cliff b/c we’re both terrible.” Will is so interesting b/c he is at all times living in both the dark and the light and has trouble reconciling these opposing drives. It’s a function of his magic empathy.

(I think they’re metaphorical cliffs also b/c like.... there are no cliffs in Maryland jsyk. What is it with these shows that I like and Metaphorical Cliffs. Edit: I have been corrected there are some cliffs in Maryland but they're not as absurdly high as the ones in Hannibal.)

Anyway, let’s do the one-to-one and talk about Empathy and my Mirrorball boys first. Silver and Will are both extremely good at reading people, seeing what they most need to be, and shapeshifting into it. They both have the ability to shrug on different personas as easy as changing clothes. HOWEVER, the way in which they view this ability is very different. For Will, it’s a curse, he literally cannot turn it off, can’t stop himself from doing it, and it torments him. And I think for Silver, he also does it unconsciously and can’t help himself, but it’s not a torment in the same way. It’s rooted in survival and is an acquired skill that a very intelligent mind learned in order to stay alive. Though I would say they could commiserate on their mirrorball tendencies getting them into trouble/in over their heads.

As for Flint and Hannibal parallels? Well Hannibal is the unrepentant monster who revels in wickedness and largely views the rest of humanity as inferior. He’s having an absolutely excellent time murdering and cannibalizing folks, and the only real thorn in his side is Will Graham and his inability to kill Will b/c Hannibal loves him. 

I think Hannibal is the absolute beast that Flint fears himself to be. And though both are presented as the “destructive orbit” or “intoxicating presence” and both perpetrate great violence... well they’re on opposite ends of the spectrum as far as how they view those behaviors. Flint is drowning in guilt constantly, hates that he has to be this monster, the persona of the dread pirate Captain, and that he’s losing more and more of his humanity every time he does some heinous shit. Whereas Hannibal is a “happy little duckling,” literally feels zero guilt about his heinous acts. Hannibal’s playacting a real man in a lot of ways while Flint is playacting a monster. So, Flint wears a monster suit and Hannibal wears a person suit.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this. The way they use supernatural elements, the way characters embed multiple meanings in subtextual dialogue, how well quotes from Silverflint can transfer to Hannigram and vice versa. Oh the way each show deals with like, queer issues, disability issues. etc etc ad infinitum

But I’ll let this be it for now, lol. If you wanna hear me ramble more, let me know~

THANKS AGAIN FOR ASKING. 

[toonbly]

Oh please do give us the essay I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.. your Freemind content is like kisses directly to my brain 's all so good.

OKAY SO LIKE. quick tw for discussions about internalized transphobia and internalized homophobia

QUICK CLARIFICATIONS: I’m a queer transmasc nonbinary and some of this is projection. A LOT of this is cherry-picking from and overanalyzing little bits of FM canon.

im gonna put this under a readmore to save yalls dashboards

HERES WHY FREEMINDS NARRATIVE IS 10X MORE INTERESTING IF HE’S QUEER:

So some things to cover: We’re cherry picking from canon and MOST of this is based off of fanon interpretations of freemind’s character. i should also clarify that I myself am asexual and nonbinary transmasc (though i only use they/them pronouns), im not entirely sure of my romantic orientation but yknow, obviously im not cishet lol. Some of it’s self projection, some of it is character study, either way I think it’s important to clarify that some of this is my OWN experience and that what im outlining here obviously isn’t the universal queer experience.

SO COVERING CANON. like okay, most of us tend to go down the route of “Freemind is gay/bi/otherwise queer in terms of attraction and he’s just in denial of it” in our freemanverse content and like, if you pick apart the source material there’s canon backing for this! (ie: Freemind saying he can’t wear earrings cause sailors do that and sailors are “kinda gay”, then later going on and on about how he wants to be a pirate and how he should’ve done that instead of being a scientist.) LIKE OKAY, OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS JUST ROSS MAKING A HOMOPHOBIC JOKE AND PROBABLY DIDN’T THINK ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS AT ALL. obviously that is the case, but as most freemanverse content does we are casually Throwing That Out The Window and cherry-picking from canon because Freeman’s Mind is full of gross content and we are simply here to take whatever we want to and RUN AWAY AS FAR AWAY AS WE CAN WITH IT. What I’m saying is basically, yeah, there’s some canon backing for Freemind possibly being gay/bi/whatever and just in denial of it due to internalized homophobia and some toxic masculinity issues. In terms of toxic masculinity he constantly brags about how cool and tough he is, makes himself out to be an invincible genius, etc. He very much frames himself as the “Tough man who feels no emotions because ReAl MeN dOn’T cRy.”

That’s basically all we need from canon. Accidental subtext on Ross’s part implying internalized homophobia and Freemind’s constant attempts to frame himself as what a “real man” would typically be considered as resulting of toxic masculinity.

Now moving onto fanon: Many fanon narratives take Freemind’s character and try to give him a redemption or healing arc. Basically the guy learns that he’s allowed to show emotions and that this doesn’t make him pathetic or lesser than anyone else, and usually he does so with the help of those around him (typically the other Freemen, sometimes Eddie, hell sometimes h/lvrai characters like Tommy!) So here we have the narrative of “A man struggling with toxic masculinity and self worth issues learns to better himself, he lets others in and starts to be true to who he actually is strengthening both himself and the connections with the people he loves.” This is an arc I love and have incorporated into a LOT of my works involving Freemind! Hell I think it’s difficult not to take his character into that direction.

But, okay, what does this have to do with Freemind being queer? Obviously I’ve mentioned the internalized homophobia subtext and all that but up until now it seems like I’ve only really mentioned the more emotion-based aspects of Freemind’s arc. Well this is where we get into my own personal interpretation of Freemind’s story.

My version of Freemind is a gay trans man, he realized he was trans sometime in his teens but only came out and transitioned sometime during college. In my version of the story, I think Freemind grew up around a kind of rough crowd. He’d hang out with those sort of boys at school that were just the EMBODIMENT of toxic masculinity, and I think he kind of internalized a lot of what they told him? They told him things like “Boys don’t cry” and “Boys are tough” and “Boys can’t like girly things” and “Boys can’t like other boys, that’s weird.” etc etc etc. He hung out with a rough crowd and didn’t have the best support system at home, and a lot of this resulted in his more egotistical larger than life personality- He acted out a lot both because his peers told him to and because hey, at least it got him some form of attention. He was a smart kid, sure, but that was never really enough to impress anyone around him. He kinda developed this “I’m better than ALL OF YOU” attitude as a defense mechanism, and as he started coming into himself and actually accepting that he was trans he took those things that his peers told him “””real men””” do and don’t do and cranked it up tenfold, just to further prove that he was better than all of them and than he was even more of a “””real man””” than any of them could tell him. He took these toxic view points and internalized them, making them a key point of his personality just so he could prove himself and put himself above others. I don’t think he struggled too badly with internalized transphobia, at least in the “I can’t be trans cause that’d be bad” sense. I think he struggled with it more in the “I have to do all of this or I’m just lying to myself and doing this for attention” sense. Granted, he never held anyone else to this same standard, he’ll never admit it but to him things are always different when it’s him. Sure Freeman and Feetman can have their little boyfriends and do gender nonconforming things, but that’s different, they don’t have to prove themselves for anything, they’re not held on the same pedestal as he is, they’re not Gordon Freemind. It’s different whenever it’s him.

BUT, as he begins to grow and learn and not hold himself to such a high standard, Freemind begins to learn that all of these things aren’t true. He learns that showing emotion, being gender nonconforming, being attracted to men, etc. doesn’t make him any lesser than the others around him and there’s no “different standard” for him JUST BECAUSE it’s him. Hell there’s no different standard for him at all, there never has been, and the people who told him otherwise were just toxic assholes who he shouldn’t have to please in order to exist as himself. As he is, he’s good enough, he’s always been good enough, and allowing himself to be vulnerable and accepting who he is doesn’t make him lesser than those around him.

What I’m saying is this: Freemind’s narrative outlines the journey of a man learning vulnerability and learning to accept himself and allow others into his life. His character arc cannot be complete until he does these things, and in certain stories Freemind’s inability to be vulnerable and accept who he is might become a detriment to his goals and the goals of others around him. If he doesn’t learn to accept himself and open up to others he will fail to achieve his goals. Ultimately it is Freemind allowing himself to open up, accept himself, and be vulnerable that saves the day. Alone, this is already narratively interesting, but if you also mix in the ideas of him being queer in any fashion and learning to accept that and that there’s no “right way” to be himself, it adds a LOT of layers to the narrative. It becomes less a story about some dudebro learning that he’s allowed to feel emotion and more a story about a queer man learning to accept who he is, being proud of who he is, and how allowing himself to be vulnerable contributes to this acceptance. It becomes a narrative about how being open with yourself and others can lead to you discovering who you really are and accepting and loving yourself for it. Freemind’s identity as a queer man becomes DIRECTLY TIED into his character arc of learning vulnerability and allowing himself to make connections and I feel like that’s really important! Sure, not every narrative needs to be about a queer struggle and frankly I don’t like tackling it constantly myself, but Freemind’s story in particular becomes much more interesting under a queer lens especially considering how you could very easily tie the discovery and acceptance of his identity into his general character arc. It’s a story about a queer man learning to love himself and becoming a happier, better person for it.

TL;DR: As a queer transmasc nonbinary myself, I find the idea of Freemind’s narrative being queer incredibly interesting. It’s easy to tie in Freemind’s identity to his character arc of becoming more vulnerable and open about both who he truly is as a person and in an emotional sense, and I think it’s really interesting to make a character’s identity relevant to their arc somehow. Granted, this doesn’t always need to be made the case because queer struggle narratives can get tiring on some queer audiences, but in this specific case I think it’d be an interesting character study. 

[ghoste-catte]

multiples of 3 ✌🏼-sgmdrcklee

@sagemoderocklee you’re really trying to kill me lol

This got long as heck so I’m throwing it behind a cut. Read on for answers and fic recs! (Mostly the fic recs)

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

This is a tough one to answer for me generally because I tend to spit words onto the page and once I have written them I no longer remember writing them. And 2020 has stretched on so long that as I’m looking at some of the stuff I wrote in the beginning of this year, I hardly remember what’s even in it. I think at one point someone (@goblin-draws maybe?) mentioned a line in Sleeptalk with Me where the innkeeper calls Kankuro “chubby boy”, and I was like “Oh ... did I write that? Yeah, sounds like something I’d have someone say to Kankuro ...” 

It might be easier to talk about this in other terms. One of the scenes I worked the hardest on this year was the fight scene in Chapter 3 of Skeleton Key. The original draft of the scene was a lot shorter, and a lot of the backstory for Misaki’s revenge quest was elided. The scene as originally written was clunky, confusing, and as my lovely wife/beta put it sounded “like a Naruto villain” was doing the dialogue, when previously she’d found Misaki sinister and intriguing. Which wasn’t what I wanted. I basically entirely overhauled the scene and re-wrote it several times. I wouldn’t call it a ‘favorite’ scene (I hate writing fight scenes generally; having chosen to immerse myself in a fandom about ninja where much of the drama comes from battle is my eternal regret), but it is a scene that I put a lot of effort into, and I’m moderately satisfied with the improved product that resulted.  

6. least popular fic this year

By far my least popular fic by kudos ever is Pitch Perfect. Which makes complete sense to me. It’s a fic where I’ve written 2 characters who are men in canon as cis women, which pushes a lot of uncomfortable buttons for a lot of people. It contains F/F smut, which is something that a lot of people who choose to read GaaLee probably aren’t out there looking for. And people comment and kudos less on smutfics, I assume because they don’t want their username attached to porn or because they’re embarrassed (which I totally get, no shame there). It’s a modern AU with a sports twist, and AUs are often less popular than canonverse in my experience. I will say though that it has a surprisingly high number of private bookmarks compared to other fics with comparable hit and kudos counts. So I assume people are just a bit more shy because the premise is so ‘out there’. I will say as far as my fics go, it’s one of my personal favorites and probably one of the most intimate and true-to-life things I’ve written? So it actually is a little comforting to know that something so vulnerable has relatively little attention. 

9. longest wip of the year

If we’re going based on stuff that’s partially published but not complete, my Gaara-adopts-Shinki fic On My Way Home is my longest in-progress fic at just over 20k words, although technically I started it in 2019. It will probably end up being right around 40-50k when it’s complete, which might end up situating it as my longest fic ever? 

12. favorite character to write about this year

Okay, this is an easy one. I love writing Kankuro. I think he is hilarious. He is the devil on my shoulder and a creature of pure id, and every time I write a line of dialogue for him it’s the summation of my rudest thoughts about a situation put in the crudest possible terms. If there were a megaphone directly from my unfiltered brain giving running commentary, that would be Kankuro.

15. something you learned this year

I have learned SO much this year! This is only my 2nd year properly ‘focusing’ on writing fic and investing any substantial time into it. I think the biggest thing I have learned, though, is how to overcome a lot of my self-consciousness about writing stories with NSFW elements in them. Starting out, I was so extremely shy and mortified about writing fic at all, much less things like hugging or (god forbid!) kissing. So taking on the smut prompts I took this year and really buckling down on learning to write the mechanics and emotions of sex has been a massive learning experience. (And sorry, by the way, if I haven’t gotten to a prompt you sent me in January yet. I do intend to write all of them eventually!) 

18. current number of WIPs

Ah. The call-out question. My general fic process is idea -> outline -> wip -> edit -> ready to post (where the final draft sits in my docs until I gin up the courage to actually post it). So skipping fics that are just “ideas” on the big mega-list, I have 3 fics in the “outline” stage, 13 fics in the partially written “wip” stage, 1 fic in the “editing” stage, and 2 that are complete but yet-to-be-posted. So, like, 19 total in the offing. (The “ideas” list is even worse lol.)

21. most memorable comment/review

This is such a difficult question because every single comment I get makes me do a little dance for joy. That’s not an exaggeration btw I really sit there and like bounce around in my seat for a moment before I open the Ao3 email. I am not an especially emotive person irl, but there have been times I’ve been brought near tears by comments. I’ll also occasionally show them to my wife like !! look at this nice thing this person said !! and she’s indulgent enough to actually read them. There have been a couple comments that have really stuck with me, that I starred in my inbox and return to frequently, but I don’t want to bring attention to someone else without their permission. I will say there was one person recently who mentioned (not in the comments on one of my fics) that they had found someone who does physical binding of fanfiction and they were about to ask my permission to do that, but then the person who does the binding only does certain ships that she likes ... so that, just, absolutely floored me. The idea that someone might actual want a physical copy of my stupid little ninja fanfictions is, like, so truly immense and completely overwhelming?

24. favorite fic you read this year

You can’t make me pick just one!! (For reference, I have bookmarked right around 180 fics in the past year, and that’s not including fics that I just read, really enjoyed, but didn’t think I could ‘handle’ a second time around.) So, skipping over the ones that AREN’T Naruto ... here is a brief sampling of some faves:

Silica by deepestbluest (rated E, GaaLee, ShikaTema, and Kankiba) - An absolute emotional powerhouse of a fic that manages to skillfully interweave three complex relationship dynamics, satisfactorily resolve them, and give you ALL the sandsibs feels in just over 10k words. 

Childhood Not-Friends (series) by MegaWallflower (rated G, KakaGai) - @megawallflower is a KakaGai god for good reason. Absolutely adorable relationship development fics (five of them!) with the premise that Kakashi thinks he and Gai have been dating since they were kids ... Gai just hasn’t been clued into it yet. These stories will give you heart-eyes.

The Bright Side by gidget_goes (rated T, GaaLee) - This is the Buffy AU I never knew I needed, because I’ve never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But truly you don’t need any Buffy knowledge to enjoy this fic. @gidget-goes command of imagery is masterful, and the way they manage to snap from snark to tugging at your heartstrings is awe-inspiring. Gaara breaks my heart in this. And did I mention Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat? Because Kankuro wears a 10-gallon hat. 

Nature vs. Nurture by Bidiza (rated T, GaaLee) - So introspective and so poetic. This looks like a WIP but it’s actually multiple oneshots, although by the end of the second one you’ll be dying for the rest of the promised series. 

I’m a Fool to Want You by BeelieveRosemarie (rated M, GaaLee) - Turns out @tuttiefruttiegaalee isn’t just an amazing artist, they’re a writer, too! Slow-dancing that will break your heart. Listen to the Frank Sinatra song while you read this for extra tear-jerking effect.

Let Love be Known (series) by TenTomatoes (rated G, GaaLee) - This is the twist on the arranged marriage trope and Beauty and the Beast that I didn’t realize this fandom was missing. I’m absolutely obsessed with their concept of Gaara as the Beast

I Could Be by LilacNoctua (rated T, GaaLee) - I know I big up @lilac-writes Worthwhile series a lot (deservedly so, because it’s so good it makes you look at the series and go “Why the fuck didn’t Kishimoto make this canon exactly like this?”), but this story made me absolutely die between the butterflies in my stomach and how hard I was laughing. There’s one line--you’ll know it when you read it--that absolutely bowls me over every time I re-read this. 

And Then Continue by EgregiousDerp (rated E, GaaLee) - Obviously I’m biased because this was a gift, but @egregiousderp writes some of the the best characterized porn I’ve ever read. You will read this and go “Wow! This is exactly how it would happen!” It’s such a tender, beautiful exploration of Gaara’s insecurities and a very real feeling first time, for all its soft edges. 

Cake by citronelle (rated E, KanKiba) - I don’t even know what to say about this one other than ... phew, this is extremely well written, extremely hot, and extremely in character. Just read it. I promise it’s worth it. 

Saudade by YumKiwiDelicious (rated M, GaaLee) - I’ve run around reccing this to just about every person on the face of the earth at this point. If you’re in the GaaLee Discord you probably saw everyone salivating over every new update of this fic and with good reason. The twists and turns of this fic will have you on the edge of your seat, second guessing every single moment. And it will break your heart in the meantime. What more could you want?

the love potion commotion by floating_cats (rated T, NejiSasu with background GaaLee) - One of those fics where you wish the author’s sense of humor was your own. So many hilarious moments in this story, and it brought me a new appreciation for a ship I never would have even considered. 

Finger Lickin’ Good by whazzername (rated E, GaaLee) - Whazz is another one of those authors where I literally want to rec every single thing she’s ever written, she’s just that good. (Speaking of which, if you haven’t read Fools Rush In and its sequel Degrees of Separation, you’re missing out on the best possible Metal origin story of all time. Don’t deprive yourself of this.) But this story is just ... so incredibly in character for a situation that reads like crack. It’s handled with the utmost straight-facedness and it’s so. freakin’. good. 

heart lines by winterberry_holly (rated M, NejiTen and GaaLee) - I don’t even have the words to describe how perfect this fic is. It’s a truly beautiful exploration of Tenten’s relationship with her palmistry hobby and with the people in her life. My heart ached with every single line. 

Standing on Ceremony by kuroashi (rated E, GaaLee) - This is just ... such a beautiful wedding story. So lovely, like getting the best possible warm hug from someone you love. If that love one was slightly strange and socially inept, because, well. It’s still Gaara doing Gaara-things. @baphometsss is another one of those authors whose handling of smut scenes is so stupendous it makes me wildly jealous. 

Thrall by RokiRiot (rated T, GaaLee) - Idiots-to-lovers with a magic AU twist! This is such a wonderful story, and Gaara’s internal monologue is absolutely amazing. And Lee is Deaf in this fic, which I never ever get to see and which absolutely made my entire day/week/month/life. 

Make-Out Consequences by LuxaLucifer (rated M, KakaGai with background canon Boruto ships) - I laughed so hard reading this that I had to take a breather to stop crying. That’s not an exaggeration. The characterization in this fic is impeccable and the humor is to die for. Naruto’s buffoonery truly shines here, and the author’s wit is just beyond anything I could even properly summarize. Hysterical. A++. 

Thirteen Strokes by Luna_Lee (rated T, GaaLee) - Again, like, if you aren’t reading literally everything @sagemoderocklee writes, are you even really a GaaLee fan? But this fic is beyond even for one of Eeri’s incredibly excellent writings. The worldbuilding in this, the cultural notes, the imagery ... it’s all so lush and so fulfilling and so beautiful. It’s a story about love and it’s a story that you can tell has love poured into every single line. I can’t recommend it enough. 

Checkmate by shadowstrangle (rated G, GaaLee) - The pettiness vibes ... this is so funny. Such a cute story and I love Gaara’s sense of humor here. Not a lot of writers give him a sense of humor, but I love how @shadowstrangle gives him a slightly odd, slightly left-of-center take on humor that still manages to be so funny. 

To Court a Village by FanFictionEngineer (rated G, GaaLee) - Another one where my bias is perhaps slightly obvious, but the premise of this fic is amazing. I love cultural misunderstandings, and the idea of Lee trying his hardest to court Gaara ineptly is just so perfect. 

affliction of feeling by theformerone (rated E, SakuHina) - One of those ships that it would never have occurred to me to seek out but that absolutely works with how the author’s set it up. The dynamics here are delicious. It’s so rare to find good F/F porn but this is one of them for sure. 

Tried and Tested by twentysomething (Rated M, KakaIru with background canon Boruto ships and GaaLee) - Iruka’s narration in this story is just incredible. I haven’t laughed this hard reading a fic in ages. And the concept alone (that Naruto can’t be promoted to Hokage until he passes his chuunin exams ... as an adult ... and Sasuke gets dragged along for the ride) is just brilliant. Amazing concept, amazingly executed. 

a fireside waltz by winterberry_holly (rated M, GaaLee) - I really tried not to rec a single author more than once here but for this one I had to. I got about halfway through this fic and immediately started running around ringing the town crier bell like READ THIS FIC! READ THIS FIC! An absolutely smoldering Regency AU with such beautiful, intimate dance scenes. My heart was racing every single time their fingers brushed. If you don’t read anything else on this list, at the very least read this. 

27. favorite fanfic author of the year

I really can’t pick just one. I am lucky enough that @egregiousderp passes me her drafts under the table before (or without) publishing, and getting to read those is a private treat of unparalleled proportions. Some of my favorite things I’ve read this year I can’t even rec because they’re her unpublished stuff. 

30. favorite fandom to read fic from this year

This is gonna come off strange because I just wrote such a long Naruto reclist, but I recently watched What We Do in the Shadows, and found an incredibly talented group of authors in that fandom with really amazingly good dialogue and narrative voice. I also read a lot of fic for the new It movies (even though I couldn’t watch the 2nd one for ~reasons~), and damn if there isn’t a talented crop of authors in that fandom, too. And finally with ATLA making its way onto Netflix, I had the chance to start watching that for the first time and found a ton of really good fic there as well! 

fanfic end of the year asks!

[isolctions]

...........so let’s finally talk abt what the actual fucking fuck is wrong with ai’rina rue castillo, huh gang? :-)

(everyone go thank @armsdealing & @durcgs beating the anxiety out of me in order to post this info-dump.)

...before we get into things, now’s the part where i establish a warning for triggers to be discussed in this lengthy headcanon post. there’s gonna be some talks of mental illness, slight alcohol abuse, & breaking down topics of familial abuse, mental abuse, religious abuse, emotional manipulation, and elements of non-con. be warned.

a’ight, so look. i’ve hinted in between threads & development that rue had a not-so-fantastic upbringing that impacted how she perceives herself, how she interacts with others, (in terms of her career, at least) and how she views personal relationships, but i didn’t realize how........severely her upbringing messed with her mental health until i started working through how i wanted to plot out rue’s behavior for her next album release. at first, i had the idea that she decided to take more time for herself & sort of distance herself from the public / media circus plaguing her life so that she can create much more authentic music. then i actually listened to the EP that i’m basing her album off of and thought “...oh.” THEN, i looked over old meme responses & old threads / mentions of her family and how she grew up and thought, not for the last time since piecing everything together: “....oh. oh fucking boy.”

so, that horrible realization dawning on me, let’s talk about rue’s childhood.

i wrote a thing like, two years ago almost (that upon looking for last night, i realized i didn’t actually share it w/ anyone but alex in our discord server & only mentioned a portion of it in rue’s moodboard that i made) that talked vaguely about how rue felt growing up. and it’s worth noting that...she’s the middle of ten fucking siblings. and that’s just the brothers & sisters she knew of that stayed with their mother. and on top of that, not all of those siblings are the product of rue’s father, or even rue’s mother for that matter. and it’s also worth noting that rue not only grew up in poverty, but she grew up never having any actual space that had solely been her own, or even an article of clothing that had belonged entirely to her. so naturally, as a young child, rue sort of became torn between starved for attention & wanting someone to pay attention to her (whether that be her older siblings including her in something, whatever teacher they had for the next six months to call on her for something, for her mother to miraculously show up with her unknown father in tow one day, & for literally anyone to be her friend, pls god Notice her!!!) and for people to simply leave her the hell alone. obviously, this carried into adulthood.

and branching off from the whole “lack of space” point i made, rue wound up growing up to become increasingly more private as time went on because she literally cannot remember a single moment where she wasn’t squished between a bunch of people. driving around in their minivan? rue’s packed in the middle of the second row. nowhere to sleep while on the road? rue’s smacked between gigantic older brothers & clingy little siblings. need to use to bathroom? lmao, she better off going outside!!! gotta change clothes? yeah, good luck with that. it was to the point where, when rue got her first period, she was humiliated by it — not because ‘omg, am i a woman now?? wtf is this???’, but because she ruined the one good sheet that she slept on with her sisters & they were super pissed at her and her mother withheld pay from her for weeks. >:/

already, rue grew up never having shit to herself until the record deal. but she also dealt with literally...so much abuse from her mother. rue thought this was the norm growing up, because all of her siblings faced their mother’s wrath at some point & all of them eventually learned to just deal with the shit and do what she says if they wanted to avoid it. they all compartmentalized and repressed to varying degrees. there’s a lot in which rue has repressed so deeply, she doesn’t even remember if it seriously happened or if she was just making it up bc it was so fucking bizarre for a parent to act that way towards their child, lol?? (and this behavior of “i’m just going to do what you say bc i don’t want to deal with whatever bullshit you’re up to if i say no” also carried into business / personal relationships, which is...very Yikes it’s amazing she didn’t get scammed or worse!) 

so sure, people have complimented her for her exceptional manners & her cleanliness & how quiet / polite she is & how amazing her posture is, bc seriously, this girl will never experience back problems in her life bc her posture is so on par. but where rue typically smiles / responds bashfully, she can’t exactly just up and say: “oh, yeah, my mom used to slap the shit out of me ‘til i bruised if i spoke out of turn or talked back, and if i reached for anything in the store or put my elbows on the table she’d slap a ruler against my palms ‘til i got welts, and she’d make me read verses all night without sleep if i did anything wrong and make me straighten up and kneel on rice if i slouched or took a nap in church and humiliated me in public if i so much as looked at someone of the opposite sex on the street n oh, did i mention i also cleaned houses for rich millionaire snobs from ages twelve to sixteen and if they said or did literally anything to me i wasn’t allowed to defend myself?? ya i’m real proper :)”

(and normal ppl will go: “...................what the FUCK is WRONG with you????”)

but oh man, babe, we’re not done yet!!! rue, being the product of both a highly religious and a highly exploitative household...had difficulty when she started reaching puberty & noticing her classmates. plural, because it wasn’t just boys that she began to secretly have crushes on / fantasize abt, sexually or domestically. she also realized, oh shit, that she started looking at girls differently too. and that literally put the fear of god into her heart, bc if her mother ever found out that she was having non-platonic feelings for the girls in her classrooms, she wasn’t going to be pissed. her mom might have actually tried to kill her. or have her exorcised or something. she knew the shit would be severe, and she wanted no fucking parts of her mother or her siblings inserting the church into her personal life, thank u very much! so rue started suppressing her romantic feelings for people to the point where if adult rue receives intimacy, she’s like “...is this allowed? is this not illegal??????” while simultaneously being like “i will be a slut. just this once. as a Treat to teenage me. :>” regardless, rue learned to molotov cocktail literally any emotion or thought she had, bc she was paranoid that it would give her mother a vision.

now, onto the perils of exploitation...she should’ve been used to it really, what with her mother forcing herself & siblings to lure customers into their shop with promises of visions and palm readings and the wonders of the cards and overexerting their abilities. same with housekeeping, like being of service to people was normal! but when seventeen year old rue decided to sign a record deal and break from home, she wasn’t thinking critically about what the fuck all of this would entail. and as described in this headcanon post abt her discography, her early music was the product of allowing people much older & powerful than you to influence your work & manipulate your values. so rue was very much parading around as someone she wasn’t, someone much more confident and badass and self-assured than she really was, and she was so impressionable back then that it literally makes her sick to think back on it now. she calls it her puppy phase and phrases the eagerness to please execs as ‘tongue wagging’. homegirl hardly even knew her name anymore, bc all she was and all she would ever be was rue, the star, the vocal temptress. not ai’rina, the help or ai’rina, the seer, ai’rina, the weak little nobody. but later on, the subtle manipulation was less about decision making & how they wanted her to sound, and more about how they wanted to present the latest trophy star — because after all, she was pretty. people liked her. she sung really well. suitors weren’t too far off into the distant future. so why not kill two birds with one stone by having a high ranking label artist keep tabloids talking by being seen in public with a few heart throbs? surely, there’s no harm in manipulating an eighteen/nineteen year old’s love life! under the guise of improving her social skills & relations with fellow artists and the media and the like, rue gave into the pressures and let herself be taken out on dates & seen at awards shows with a few guys. no big deal. it was only for a night or so, she could handle the attention. then, one night appearances turned into week long appearances. pretending to date for only a month! completely innocent, positive exposure. :)

(adult rue, looking back @ younger rue: you stupid fucking BITCH-)

yeah, so once her label/management realized that she was turning into a hot commodity, they lost no sleep at allowing their nineteen year old artist to be seen ‘dating’ 20-24+ year old men occasionally. and whatever happened after their public appearances were none of their business. plus, she was good at pretending and being arm candy — so rue experienced her first kiss, her first dates, and her first times with people who she’s almost certain hardly remember their time with her, and really only got involved with her for a mutual career boost. very few of them does she actually remember in a positive light, and the ones that were positive, still depress her bc lmao all of it was fake, even if they were really nice & made it less like a chore and more like they actually wanted to be with her!! even fewer of them were actual relationships. meaning, said person asked her out of their own volition, not bc their managers thought it’d be a decent match on camera. it was evil, really, what her old label made of her. (like, she makes funny jokes that her first time having sex was awkward bc she had a vision halfway through that bummed her out but in reality it was just...really more of a transaction that made her feel icky n progressively worse abt herself until it happened more often and now she just doesn’t care anymore. sex is just sex, u know?? everything’s fake. why you gotta make it personal.) this whole fiasco took over the larger part of rue’s career from like, age nineteen to age twenty-two or so, and she suffered dramatically from this because what is even a genuine, authentic relationship at this point? what do u mean you want to get to know me? did ur manager tell you to ask so many damn questions & try to get to know me? obviously you want something from me bc that’s why everyone gets into a relationship or has sex with me, stop confessing feelings for me u fucking loser. >:/

like...rue doesn’t even have friends. outside of her relationship with marcelo / @armsdealing​ (which, AGAIN, i think was initially arranged to promote her song be honest, how fucking IRONIC), rue does not have any personal relationships with anyone. i mean, she likes her latest management team since switching labels...her hair stylist is rly cool & her make up artist is fun to vacation with...she met a few other celebrities at events that she occasionally texts & has dinner with...yeah, she’s basically a pretty hermit. her family is more or less out of the question — the few brothers & sisters she does still have a positive relationship with (like, four of them lol), they don’t see each other in person often / mainly communicate via groupchat and facetime calls when all of them have time. she tried visiting with her mother over the years, but the verbal & emotional abuse/curses placed on her/accusations of being an imp of satan for singing to the public/memories of being forced to perform psychic shows & clean for chump change keeps her from trying to mend that relationship. like, being gaslit by ur mother isn’t really the vibe, u know? and bottom line, rue simply is a very shy and socially stunted individual who does not know how to communicate like a normal human being anymore. hell, her life revolves around pretending for strangers at this point!

now, onto how...all of That ties into her behavior / state of mind during this next album. so, after riding the wave of success from her third album & the circus that came with that. rue sort of had a fucking existential crisis. came out of absolutely nowhere. (not nowhere — one of her brothers called her out of the blue and called her ai’rina and she literally went “who the fuck is that?”) told her label that she was taking some time in between albums bc she was creatively zapped or whatever bullshit excuse she came up with that somehow worked bc this new label was a little more understanding than the last. vacationed for a little, did some hot girl shit, bought a house, tried to see her mother again for whatever reason then got the shit slapped out of her and finally screamed at her to never touch her again unless she wanted to Throw Hands. cried and got drunk abt it. that took six months. bullshat to her label again, dropped like two songs to smooth things over, decided to focus on magic for a little to ground her, started partying with label mates then going home shitfaced & hungover every other morning. that took eight months. dropped one last song, promptly deleted her twitter, tried to write songs again, got a call from her mother and panicked and got drunk. that took a year. vacationed some more, got even drunker, was bed ridden for like three months because holy shit i’m having so many visions and if i see One More Thing my brain is going to explode, couldn’t separate the present from the future for weeks after that, told absolutely no one about that, cried every day & had an identity crisis, dyed her hair to appease the identity crisis goblins. that took a year and a half.

now, she just chilling. dyed her hair again. scaring her siblings halfway to death bc she keeps going on benders & sending cryptic texts abt the visions she’s getting but they’re so incomprehensible that they’re seriously considering moving in to get her fucking shit together. had a vision that she was married with kids and had a two week identity crisis appeased only by moving houses. (she was in a neighborhood with families...too much Drama and visions. turned into a really cool song tho.) started calling herself by her birth name of ai’rina in private. reactivated twitter to send cryptic tweets that her album is coming. working on said album. trying to drink less but kinda failing bc how is one simply supposed to make a highly personal dual album without alcohol??? prbly somewhere crying in marcelo’s lap or smthn. just vibes.

like...i feel like, in my head, the Theme of her project is wrapped up in identity. her relationship with fame and whatnot. trying to coax her childhood self out of its’ shell so that she can function like a normal goddamn person for once and re-establish her values. like, if someone went to any of rue’s residences right now, it’s just songbooks everywhere and wine glasses and her crystals and shit, bc she still has people’s futures to read for money. (yes, she never really got out of that portion of her childhood, but hey it pays.) it was all very confusing to experience at once while in bed at four in the morning & even though i tried organizing and debated on this, it’s still a Lot. which is why i am once again asking for plots that would allow her to dissect all these Things

so yeah. album four otw, with a side of confronting our childhood & facing our traumas!

[niuniente]

I started to read Besser Van Der Kolk’s book “ The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma”. It’s a size of a small brick but it’s written so well I think I’ll devour it in a few days lol. I was expecting more of a self-help book based on its name but it’s a medical research book by Van Der Kolk who is specialized in trauma patients and tries to get the traumatic events accepted as something that affects the body so the people could be fully treated as trauma patients instead of medicating just the symptoms of the trauma, like dissociation, aggressiveness and bipolarity. 

Most interesting thing in it so far has been studies where trauma and how you were treated as a small baby affects your cells. It LITERALLY transforms your cells and their functioning, and how your body operates on its own. It goes together amazingly with the spiritual principle that what you perceive, that becomes your reality and also affects your body. If the baby views parent(s) as dismissive and non-caring, the baby perceives the reality as uncertain and unloving, and this outlook will affect the cells, “mutating” them and transforming the body to work a certain way. 

If we experience at young age the sense of not being loved and looked after, we grow into broken adults. This also goes together with the spiritual principle that we’re naturally in tune with love and if we disconnect from love in a way or another, we become sick, injured, traumatized etc.

Now I’m curious could the cells be activated to overwrite the process from abuse to acceptance - basically what the therapy already does for the mind and meditation practices do for the body to call it down (as traumatized people are constantly in a state of hyperawareness with high levels of adrenaline in their bodies). If the cells are so open for the perceived reality, I’d like to believe it would be possible to overwrite the ways the cells and thus the body works, and how the mind affects the body. Mind is a powerful tool (perceiving something  as X or Y also comes from the conclusions the mind does) and the body follows the mind’s command, whether we are aware of it or no. There was an example in the Van Der Kolk’s book of a man who fell from a horse carriage and was sure before the impact that he would get ran over the carriage and get badly injured. His legs paralyzed from the fall but no one could find any physical reason for that. His legs were fine, his body was fine but the legs just refused from working. Basically the man’s trauma - the belief that he’d get badly injured before the traumatic event - manifested itself in a form of this self-caused paralysis. I have read about the opposite especially with near-death experience healings (Anita Moorjani healing from the fatal cancer to complete health being the most famous case no one can still explain with the modern medical science). 

I have sort of a similar experience myself. I have been wearing glasses since age 11. Once I woke up in the middle of the night. My room was dim and I was able to see everything clearly. And I mean EVERYTHING. Even the uneven decorative surface of my ceiling was visible to me down to tiniest detail. I blinked a few times, then thought “This can’t be happening. I see everything but it shouldn’t be because I’m not wearing my glasses!” In that second I thought this can’t be real my vision started to blur veeeery slowly. Slowly, slowly and finally it settled in how I usually see. I got up from the bed, confused. My eyes, which shouldn’t be able to see without aid, had just worked perfectly fine with no issues. So it’s physically possible.

I read some years a ago about a man who decided he wanted to see without glasses and was able to heal his vision like that. There has to be some self-repairing mechanisms in the body we are not aware yet. That’s why I’m curious if people would find evidence of cellular level healing in trauma patient work, too.

Interesting finding was also that many trauma patients have autoimmune diseases where the body attacks itself. It was also caused from the sense of loss of security, love, worth and acceptance these patients had gone through and now adapted into as their own reality. In the spiritual principle, all sickness and illnesses we have are due the lost connection to sense of security, love, worth and acceptance. 

While majority the abuse cases in the book are absolutely horrendous I would not wish even to my mortal enemy (mind that would you want to read the book), I recommend the book would you want to understand why your body is the way it is, your mind is the way it is and why you function even physically differently than normal folks who have not gone through long lasting trauma. 

The book should be translated in your own language as it’s quite well-known. 

You can download Van Der Kolk’s own upload of the main themes of the research from here for free (22 pages)

[monstaxdirtywonk]

MX in bed (Astrology based)

Hey everyone! I’m back at it with astrology. Today, we’re going to talk about two placements that give us an insight on their sexual desires and turn ons. Pluto placements are kind of vague (it’s a planet that moves really slow so all MX except maknae have the same), but we can look their Eros and Lilith placements instead, two asteroids strongly related to sex. We might take other love related placements into consideration such as Mars and Venus. Enjoy~

Shownu-Lilith Aquarius-Eros Gemini (Venus Gemini, Mars Taurus)

A lot of Gemini influence and I can see why: playful nunu activated. Many think Shownu is very queit and indeed, he is the most extroverted member but when he feels comfy, he is a TEASE. Not even in a strictly sexual way, he loves being playful. An almost childlike charm. Tickling, pillow fights and such are something he’d have in a relationship. He puts his best at showing off the best sides of his, wants to impress you. He doesn’t have to do much because Shownu. He isn’t very demanding tho. Despite most gemini venus, I wouldn’t say he gets bored easily. He has insane patience and wants someone to settle down with. This comes mostly from his Mars and alleged Rising (Taurus). This is a very nice combo, air tradiotionally carefree and earth that keeps him grounded. The best of both worlds! Honestly he is my bias and his chart just confirms what I already believe and makes astrology oh so real. Geminis are considered good with intrerracting. I think that’s something evident in the bedroom. Talks things through and enjoys certain praises. Communication is key for him, this follows outside the bedroom too. He is good with words so he’d appreciate some love filled texts from you too. Traditional style, a letter. LETTERS. It feels more personal to have your hand written letters with him when he is away. A part of you, to keep him company. His Lilith, this dark goddess is in Aquarius. Well known freaks, plus good at sex. Both Gemini and Aquarius suggests an experimental lover. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, that’s what Shownu’s chart is all about. 

Wonho-Lilith Pisces-Eros Capricorn (Venus aries, mars cancer)

It seems like Wonho’s chart teach us, yet again, we shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover. Just like Shownu, the way he looks and perfroms, has nothing to do with his true self and whole being. Contrary to popular belief, Hoseok isn’t the kinkiest man out there. Let’s not forget, all those outfits are chosen by stylists. A harness doesn’t mean anything of that sort. However, he is SUPER sensual. His Mars, sweet cancer, rules skin and breasts. I. CANNOT. POINT. OUT ENOUGH. THIS . IS A . BOOB. MAN. Being close, skin to skin, fondling, seeing those goosebumbs, feeling your pulse etc. Little acts of intimacy, he treasures this moment, time stops, a picture in his mind. Extremely romantic and caring. Wants you to feel nice, please you, cherish you and nurture you. Giving. Some say Venus Aries have a bit of an innocent charm, Pisces have soft looking faces (baby cheeks) which comes in great contrast with his muscular body. Prone to jealousy. Fragile heart, has a hard time letting go and just doesn’t want to at all. Give him your heart, before your body. He has a very special talent, he makes sex rough, intense but romantic at the same time. Besides being a boob man, his chest is probably sensitive too. He wants to take the lead, but it comes from a good place. Just wants the best for you. Completely selfless. That’s why he is very vulnerable when in love. Protect!

Minhyuk-Lilith Aries-Eros Aquarius (venus libra, mars scorpio)

Sex makes him creative, but this goes the other way around too. Now let me tell you, with a Venus Libra and Eros Aquarius, i can assume he into someone intellectual, well dressed and polished all around. Eros Aquarius tend to get turned on by random things, I can see him getting turned on by you reading, thinking, decorating and being productive. Libra rules the butt and lower back. He is probably into venus dimples, wanting to put his hands there while pounding from behind. He has said so himself, he prefers curvy girls. Romantic, clingy and cuddly with an idealized idea of love. Picturesque in fact. Those aspects are similar to Jooheon’s, since they both have a couple of Libra placements. Minhyuk is a Scorpio damN, his Mars is a Scorpio too double damN. Sex is really important to him. A bounding time with his partner. He is often horny, needs a partner able to keep up with him. Monogamous, he is flirty here and there but when he finds the one all this hoeing is gone out of the window. All in all, shit is intense. 

Kihyun-Lilith Aries-Eros Aquarius(venus scorpio,mars sagi)

Now hear me out...one of the first thing I learned about MX was that Kihyun is a dom xD. I didn’t think so at first but he is a control freak xD It’s not even funny. Let’s start with his venus, most people with venus in scorpio are doms, this isn’t the rule ofc, but it’s frequent. Aries are known to take the lead in love, in bed too I suppose winkwonk. Now regarding his Eros, aquarius looking for an unconvetionally attractive trait. I am sure, he loves a fashionable girl. Someone chic and elegant. It’s his thing. His Mars, sagi just like his sun sign. Their fave spot? THIGHS (I know this better than anyone I am a sagi and i love thighs and all my sagi friends love them too but who doesnt) his soft spot, very sensitive thighs especially the inner part. 

Hyungwon-Lilith Aries-Eros Pisces (venus capricorn, mars leo)

Hyungwon’s placements are all over the place I swear xD Pisces tend to be very compassionate and love to please. They adapt well to those around them, that’s why I see him having a ‘go with the flow’ approach to sex. He’d take in consideration your likes and dislikes and move along them. Now not to go there but Pisces rules the feet xD so maybe a feet fetish? who knows? he does lol He is practical, romantic but nothing over the top. Enjoys intimacy and warmth. He likes hips, tracting those curves with his beautiful big hands. His Leo Mars, fires up his earthy venus, giving him a good balance. 

Jooheon-Lilith Taurus-Eros Libra (venus scorpio, mars leo)

Jooboo is a charmer and we know so...his libra placements show it off clear and loud. Since Taurus and Libra are so invested in the whole aesthetic of love, he enjoys setting the mood, candles, bubblebaths, lingerie etc. Posessive and easily jealous, very hot tempered and intense all around. Scorpio have very sensitive genitals, plus his gorgeous thighs ugh. A booty man. Duh so much Libra it only makes sense!

Changkyun-Lilith Cancer-Eros Aries (venus pisces, mars aquarius)

His Mars, this man is turned on by someone opinionated, passionate to their beliefs and smart. Brains matter SO much to Changkyun. Maybe even more than looks. Water signs, very emotional but we’ve been knew. Lilith is supposed to be a ‘dark’ placement but I don’t see any darkness no matter how hard he tries to appear as an emo. You know why? because despite any possible kink this man has, his love is so real and valid, there is nothing dark about it. Very romantic, wants to be babied and deserves this more than anyone. He’s been hurt, wary of others at first. All or nothing type of love. The type to write poets for you. His love life HAS to be a novel, it doesn’t worth it otherwise. Loving real hard is tiring, but for Changkyun, it’s worth it. 

(DM me for astrology ships 4-5$)

[mnogorgannik]

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing  i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg  even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

[closer-stars]

Purple Skies, Pained Things

Member: Jongho Word Count: ~5k Requested: No Genre: Angst. A lot of Heavy things. A little hope in the end. Content: Allusions to depression, suicide ideation, low self worth, a bit of existentialism. This really is just a product of my own thoughts and dips. This kind of came to me while i was listening to christian yu’s album and his ig live that explained his creative process and decisions into making MITO. In a sense this is my mito? lol. I don’t know why I had Jongho in this too but it happened. I kind of compared my struggle with mental health to paintings and skies, colors and the like. So Yes. If this is a little weird, I apologize. It was a little tricky to write this since I had to be in a certain mood/headspace to write this. lol.  Note: This is heavy. If you can’t stomach something regarding mental struggles, issues, I suggest you don’t read this.  This went in directions I didn’t think it would go but it went where it went. Like Strength, I won’t put the atzff tags on this since this is a personal piece lmao. I won’t do my usual tag list on this since..well it’s personal? if you see it when it’s up, cool. if you don’t well.. you don’t lol. Gut Feeling and other reqs are in the works! Just gonna take Time. Jongho wonders how you manage on your own. Well he knows you’re independent, always treasuring your alone time whenever you can. But he’s not sure of how you manage when you have these dips. He’s actually not sure if that’s the right question, should he ask why instead? Why do you make yourself go through it on your own? Of course, he has his guesses regarding the reasons but it still runs in his mind.

He watches you from across the room, sitting near a corner. To anyone else, it would look like you were just watching the skyline; watching the sky turn from a bright blue to a myriad of colors before settling into a deep blue sprinkled with stars and bright lights. The sky was always pretty at this hour.

The complete opposite of your mind. 

The two of you knew better when you looked like that; you weren’t looking at anything. Your eyes aren’t focused on anything but your mind is. Your mind focuses on thoughts that make you spiral down. When your head spirals, you close yourself from everyone. Your mind is like the night sky: it can bring comfort and solace in a time of quiet but it is also dark and vast, seemingly never ending. The night sky can also bring the terrors of the unknown, the unseen, the lack of control that the day brings. Your mind now is just that without the comfort the night brings, but the numbing fear of what’s beyond. 

You feel like a tiny speck of dust. that doesn’t really have much use in a world that keeps moving. Maybe a better comparison would be something like a stormy sky; filled with heavy clouds that would spill forth heavy rain showers. The sudden sheets of water makes everyone hide away. Or rather, a sky tinged with the smoke from pollution; unbearable and frustrating. Just like what you’re doing right now, hiding away from everyone because you think that these days you have will bring nothing but frustration to those near you. 

So, what is Jongho doing in your apartment? He had his reasons. For starters, it’s been radio silence from your end.  He knows nothing of what has happened to you. Neither do your friends-- well to a degree, they don’t. It’s why he’s here, to check on you. He figured you’d be at home. He knows you well enough, just like how he can tell if the weather will be fine just by a glance at the sky. From what he’s seeing, it’s the calm before the storm.

He knows you don’t sleep much either, or rather, you stay up late into the night only to sleep when the sun’s peeking through the horizon. The deep blues slowly turning into a soft lilacs and blues streaked with bright yellows that bring the safety of a new day: a peaceful slumber. You told him in the past that you’re really just a night owl, a habit formed to cope with the hectic pace of life. A way for you to have some sort of grip on your life. He bought the words for a while, but the more he spends time with you. He’s not quite sure. He doesn’t understand why you shut yourself out from everyone when you need them the most. He does understand how hard it can be to ask for help. Carefully, he approaches your unmoving figure.

“Hey.” He murmurs, settling quietly in front of you. Your eyes flutter to his direction. You see him but the fact he’s sitting in front of you isn’t registering in your head. Maybe your mind’s playing tricks on you, your vivid imagination was always one of your assets. It could also be your downfall. 

“Go away..” your voice comes out like a sigh. Just as your mind is like the sky, your mind is just as vivid as paintings of years past. But, just like those paintings, it fades, it gets discolored as time passes by. Small cracks appear on layers of painting, no matter how much protection and preservation you put it through: the wear and tear can and will be inevitable. You assume this is just another way for your mind to make you think worse of yourself. Thoughts reflecting itself onto reality. Whatever reality is supposed to be.  With that, you look away from the figure in front of you, staring out the window. The sky has shifted into a deep purple, the lights from the neighboring buildings are flickering on, one by one. The purples gradually turning into artificial shades of yellow and white. 

He should’ve expected that, being alone with your own thoughts can get tiring. Even if you preferred your own company, these dips can take a toll on you. Slowly, he takes your hand in his. Something flashes in your eyes, dimmed only by the darkening sky above the two of you. “What are you doing here?” You ask. He notices how dry your voice sounds. How long has it been since you drank water? 

He has a feeling rain will come tonight. 

The sound of consciousness from you makes him quirk the corner of his lips in relief. “I wanted to check on you.” 

A sigh slips out of your lips, your eyes fluttering to a close. Your eyes feel dry. You don’t pull away your hand from his hold. You stay like that, unmoving in your spot, and for a moment you look peaceful, but the impending approach of a storm is warned through the marks under your eyes. Jongho wonders how you’ve been sleeping the past few days. He looks at the time. By now, you should be eating.

“Hey, you need to get some food in you.” Jongho gently reminds you, his voice mirrored by how he squeezes your hand to wake you up. 

“I don’t have an appetite…” You reason, despite your excuse you slowly move from your spot.

“At least get something in your stomach? Even some fruits will do.” Jongho returns. “Come, I can make you some food.” He lets you settle down on the chair. You let him move around your place, he’s been here so many times that he might as well have lived with you. 

“Have you eaten?” You speak up softly, watching him with heavy eyes. This really doesn’t surprise him anymore, how you’re able to put others before you, even when you can barely do so for yourself. 

It takes a while for him to reply to the question. If he gives a clear cut answer, it can make your attention shift to him when the main subject here is you. He runs a few strawberries and an orange through water. “I’ll eat with you.” He returns after a moment of thought. 

You shrug even if he can’t see you do so. “Help yourself to whatever I have I guess.” So that’s how the night goes, he eats a meal while you nibble on a few fruit slices that he had freely drizzled with honey. It was quiet as the two of you ate. He doesn’t push you to talk about what’s on your mind, not because he didn’t care but he knows you hate it when people push you to tell them your thoughts, no matter how depressing they can get, you hated being forced. Even if you don’t want him to be here, you have no energy to tell him to leave. 

You prod a half eaten strawberry with your fork. Even in the mess of your mind, you wanted to know why he’s doing this. He’s seeing a side of you that you’ve tried so hard to hide from him. As much as you want to cover this from him, it seems too late. Your body can’t get itself to stand up and push him out. What happens instead is a question. “Why are you doing this? You can literally do anything else right now, but you’re here wasting time.” 

Jongho stays quiet through your tirade of self deprecating comments. On your normal days, these were covered with your dry humor. You always had a knack at being able to throw a few witty comments at the boys and at yourself. Now, he’s seeing it in its rawest form. He doesn’t like how this is how you see yourself: a shame, wasted potential, lost, the list goes on as you talk. What was once a question becomes an exhausted rant of how you find yourself in this fast paced life. At one point, you ask yourself if the choices you made were the right ones. All your decisions have been based on trying to break out of the chains of expectations. You wanted freedom, to explore the world as yourself.

Now, you didn’t really have a proper avenue to release these thoughts nowadays; you can’t really go out. Your usual coping mechanisms aren’t an option now. You’re just stuck at home. Compared to your peers, they’re able to make the most out of the situation. Those who made your life horrible are prospering now. Those who followed what was expected of them are doing well. You? Hell if you know what to make of yourself now. 

He would’ve rebutted all these points you’ve raised but he figures that you need to let them out before letting anyone or yourself fix the issues. You’ve always been like that, thinking out loud until you somehow manage to find a solution. That’s why he just listens, replying when needed but letting you know that he’s giving you his full attention. What he didn't expect was a rumbling thunder.

The storm comes earlier than expected. The two of you can hear the downpour outside your apartment. When you notice the heavy downpour, you shift the topic. “You really don’t need to listen to all of that.” You say as you eat your fruits. It’s a little tricky to try and put your upbeat voice back to use after days of being shut in. 

Being able to air out your frustrations should make you feel lighter, but it doesn’t. What it just does to you is feel heavier, fearing that he’ll look at you in a not so nice light because of how different you are now. 

That’s how it usually goes. 

His meal is long done now but he stays in his seat. “It’s okay.” He says. Those two words make you look at him. “You’ve carried it for so long to yourself. I don’t mind helping you...” He continues. He notices how your eyes sparkle a little brighter under the warm lights in your home. It’s not the curious sparkle that the stars bring on a clear night. It’s a sparkle that carries the burden of a pain that’s been carried for years. A star that’s just near the edge of falling through the sky. Your coping mechanisms were really just there to numb the pain, never to address it, you never knew how to address it until recently. Even then, the process was painful. “Have you showered?” He asks you. At his question, you realize you haven’t. “Go shower? I can take care of these dishes.” 

There’s something in his words that pushes you to say something. “Can you stay a little longer?” You’re scared of what could be next, him leaving you alone in your thoughts again. You’ve tried to hide your dips from him, but now that he’s seen it, you doubt there’s any turning back now. You just don’t want to be alone, for tonight at least.

“I’ll stay.” 

You ease yourself against the downpour of the hot water. It’s a little shock for your body: the cool air outside the shower against the hot water on your skin. Eventually you relax into it, breathing slowly as you hope that the water washes away the thoughts in your head. The constant sound of water hitting the tiled floor and the sight of water running down your body or dripping down the walls numb your mind from dimming your thoughts. The feeling puts you in a trance of sorts, standing under the shower head unmoving for who knows how long. 

“Hey, are you still there?” Jongho’s voice comes from the opposite side of the door. The knocking snaps you awake and you clear your voice, grabbing the soap. 

“Yeah, I’m doing fine.” You swear it’s not a lie. You try to make it sound not like a lie despite your racing heart. You stand there as you wash yourself up quickly. You didn’t want him to worry about you. Do you really deserve these worries? Clearly, he has other things to worry about. Why did you ask him to stay longer? He has a life beyond you, so why linger here? What if you’re just hindering him from his schedule and free time with your selfish need for company? These thoughts rise up to the surface as you dry yourself up. He can leave if he has to, you’re not gonna stop him. 

You step out of your bathroom in a change of clothes, water dripping from your hair onto the towel on your shoulders. You catch your reflection on the mirror; you’ve lost weight, you look tired, your skin hasn’t been at its best, and before your thoughts spiral you tear your gaze away from the reflective reality on your wall.

The place is quiet. A quiet sigh leaves your lips, of course you’re back on your own. What were you thinking? You’ve managed to deal with these episodes on your own, what makes this any different? What were you hoping for exactly? 

“Oh hey, you’re finally out of the shower.” His voice makes you jump in your spot, holding yourself up against the wall as you try to slow down your racing heart. He observes your shocked visage with slight guilt. He notes how raw your skin looks, wondering just how hot you made your water to be. It’s not much but it’s something. These episodes were never as quick as a simple shower. It’ll take time and he’s willing to sit through it with you. Just like the paintings on your walls, those took time to be properly cared for, before its original luster shined through. 

“If you have to go elsewhere, it’s okay.” You speak up, your voice is a little clearer now. “I forgot how busy you get…” You trail off, berating yourself for being so selfish. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” He says afterwards. “I made sure my schedule was free.” He adds, he approaches you carefully, taking the towel off your shoulders. He lets you follow him to the couch. 

You look at him, shoulders dropping as more things blur your mind. Why was he doing this? “Why?” There’s something in your voice that reminds him he can’t leave you like this. You follow him like a lost puppy, too tired to think anymore. The sky looks a lot dimmer now, the still constant downpour of rain dimming the bright lights from the streets. 

“I want to check on you.”  He sits behind you, drying your hair as he lets you look out the sky. It’s the one thing you would do even in your better days. He’s gotten the habit of thinking of you because of the sky. 

It’s the blank look on your face that hurts him too. It’s a look that tries to survive and prove itself worthy of independence. It’s a look that reminds him of artworks that look so breathtaking until you learn of the backstory behind the work. How many people have bought this as you just shooting a deadpan look, as if you didn’t need anyone else? “I’m sorry.” A tired sigh escapes you as you turn your head away from his gaze. You were about to reach for the towel that has slowed down from drying your hair, when Jongho taps your hands gently. 

“Drying your hair’s my thing.” He reminds you, a distant inside joke from years past. 

The reference makes you smile a little but it doesn’t bring you the comfort you badly need. The pain teeters just at the corners of your eyes and you wonder why your vision blurs, mixing the purples with the yellows, with the whites. The greys have hints of purples and yellows. Everything looked so blurry yet so clear. It’s an unflattering color, it’s rare that you look away from the sky. 

It’s when you feel two drops of water against your arm that it clicks. You didn’t want him to see you in tears. How easy it was for him to look past your facade. You’ve put up enough walls, saying it was just you being used to being an only child who could only depend on yourself at the end of the day. You’ve lost count of the times you’ve said lies to stop people from getting too close to you at your weakest. How many times has life tried to take advantage of it?

“Come here.” His voice takes on a tenderness rarely heard from him. It takes a few small shifts from you before you face him. You want to tell him that you’re fine, that it’s not a lie. You’re genuinely doing fine, you want to tell yourself that. But the truth is, you aren’t. Admitting the truth has always been nerve wracking for you. Especially the truth that you carry in your head and heart.  There, his arms wrap around you carefully, knowing that at any moment you’ll break. “I care about you, that’s why I do this.” He lets you babble words against his shoulder, truthfully, he couldn’t make sense of the words that tumble out of your lips mostly due to the towel that muffles you and because of how they’re all slurred by your overwhelming emotions and tears. He lets you spill everything though. It could help you once you storm through this downpour, he thinks. 

On the other hand, you hate how weak you’ve become, your hands grip to him as if he’s some sort of protection from the darkness that swirls in your head. There’s no shade of purple that can mimic how terrifying the darkness is in your head. Not even pictures can give it justice. It just is. 

You don’t like how you’ve become, yet you have no heart to end everything. It’s why you had a terrible phobia of high places. Imagination can only bring you so much but reality was still terrifying in its own right. Life was practically in limbo: wanting escape but not doing it, wanting something better but not being able to acquire it. You see your own life like an unfinished painting, all scribbles, patches of paint but never quite forming an image or a sky that always warns of a storm that never comes. 

He feels guilty to have left you alone to deal with this burden in the past but he tries not to dwell in it as he lets you cry. “Do you want to go to bed?” He whispers softly into your hair. You shake your head, not trusting how your voice could shake should you speak up.  Receiving nothing but a timid nod, he carefully pulls his arms away from your figure, it’s then that he realizes that you covered your face with your towel. The damp feeling on his skin and shirt were from your hair. Even in your current state, you still find shame in showing your own tears. 

He doesn’t let go of your hand as he guides you towards your bed. Now that the two of you are settled down, he made sure that you’re in his arms again. He tries not to force you to look at him. Being at your weakest in front of someone was already a draining experience in itself, but to be in a situation where it’s not being shamed or pushed away was a new experience for you. He hears words come from your covered face and he keeps quiet to strain his ears to understand what you were saying. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

Two words, repeated over and over. He looks at your curled figure, how your arm strains to keep itself from shaking as your fingers press against where your eyes are to stop the tears. This hasn’t been your lowest, but it is one of your lowest moments. He shushes you gently, as if consoling a lost animal shivering under the rain. “I got you. It’s okay.” Admittedly, he doesn’t know what else to say. He doesn’t know what else to do except hold you through this. He’ll hold you through the storms and the darkness.  Until you come to surface, he’ll hold you through it. No matter how long it takes, he’ll be here.

You wake up with your blanket up to your shoulders. You try to remember what happened yesterday as you lie awake. What time is it? What day is it? Your thick curtains hinder the sunlight from blinding you. When you blink, you feel how dry and sore your eyes are which only further your confusion of what happened yesterday.Your hand pats one side of your bed: your phone isn’t there. You pat the other side: that’s not a phone. That’s a chest, it’s only then that you realize that’s another person next to you that you realize the weight of an arm on your waist. A spark of fear runs through you, unaware of who could be here, so you look over to your side with caution. 

Jongho.

He lies asleep next to you. You wonder what he’s doing here but you have no heart to wake this guy up. Everything’s still murky to you. Quite frankly, you don’t really know how much time has passed. All you know now is day and night. Things still feel floaty, like you’re on a cloud but you shouldn’t be there. The thought alone makes your hands clammy. It makes your chest tighten with thoughts you can’t control, that your hands repeatedly clench and unclench as you try to fight to control your head from going under. 

A hand slowly laces with yours and you look over at the owner. He’s awake, sleep still weighing down his eyes but he’s awake. “I got you.” He says, voice raspy with slumber that still clings to his mind and it rings you of the previous day’s happening. A shiver of horror goes through you. He shouldn’t have seen you like that. Nobody should’ve seen you like that. 

“I thought you would’ve gone home.” You say as you push yourself up from bed, pulling your hand away. You run your hands through your bed riddled hair, a poor excuse to keep him from holding your hands again. It’s not that you don’t like it, it’s just, you’re scared. He’s seen your worst, and you fear for the worst result.

His now free hand rests beneath his bed riddled hair. He’s never been one to push your boundaries. “I don’t think I can go home knowing how you needed someone last night.” He says this without any of his dry nature. “I can’t go home with a peaceful mind until I know you’re alright..” He trails off, because as much as he wants to stay with you for the next few days. He doesn’t want to overstep his boundaries. You never responded nicely to people who pushed your limits more than they should.

“You didn’t have to..”

“But I wanted to.” He says immediately. Mornings were never his best time either. He looks up at you, no remnants of sleep are on his eyes. Rather, his soft protective nature is there. “We worry for you too. At least, let me care for you the way you’ve cared for me?” He asks. Once he pulls the repayment card, you relent. It’s a small step but it’s a step.  

Silence draws over the two of you for a few moments. His words float around your mind. ‘I wanted to… let me care for you…’ It’s an odd feeling to have someone care for you. His words make you wonder if people will worry if you did disappear without a trace. 

Jongho reaches for his phone beneath your pillow to check the time. It’s already noon time. “Do you wanna eat? I can make some food for us or we can just order something.” 

The power to choose was a heavy responsibility for you. You still weren’t in the mental capacity to choose for yourself but you had enough strength to let Jongho stay for the time being. He notices how you’re still not quite here yet, so he opts to cook something up. He knows your favorites but he can only hope you have enough appetite to eat something.

You peek past your curtains. The sky’s clear now. There’s not a cloud in sight, just a vast expanse of bright blue and sunlight. The streaks of sunlight slip past you and into your room, lighting up the rather dim room.  “Why are you doing this? I can survive on my own eventually.” You ask from your side of the bed. 

Jongho was already out of bed, making himself look presentable or at least awake. “Yeah eventually, but you don’t have to do this on your own.” He returns. He tries not to look over at you too often when he spouts words like this. You never were the type to look at someone when you say something vulnerable. But he sees how you look from the mirror: looking at your hands, mindlessly scratching at your fingers. “Go freshen up while I make up something to eat.”

You didn’t know how to say it, now with some semblance of control in you as compared to the night before. You just knew how scared you were of wasting yourself away, no matter how tempting it was to press Stop on your own life, it was scary. You were scared he’d leave you too after this. Not everyone has the capacity to care for someone like you, you didn’t even have the resources for professional help. Yet, Jongho’s here in your home. Things didn’t make sense and you weren’t really sure of how to make sense of it all. Will he stay with you through it all?

“I will.” Jongho’s voice cuts through your stormy eyes. They spark a little brighter at his voice, only to darken a little in confusion. He watches you for a moment as the gears in your head work. That’s when you realize you were thinking out loud. “I don’t know what lies ahead of you.” He starts, turning to face you but leaning against the dresser. “I do know that you have what it takes to get through this. It’s going to take a lot of time but you’ll get there.” He flashes a small smile, rare were the times that he’s this raw with you or anyone. “We’ll make do with what we got.” He ends it there before heading to the kitchen. 

You slip out of your bed, slightly light headed from the lack of food in your system. Shit, okay maybe you need to get some food in you. You look through your closet for something to wear, noticing the laundry you need to do in the process. 

Once you got out of the shower, you’re greeted by the smell of-- were those pancakes? You approach the kitchen, confused but also a little excited to have something in your stomach. You didn’t expect that he’d make your comfort food: pancakes with blueberries. He lets himself indulge as well with some pork belly. Go figure. He even got your cold brew out of the refrigerator with his ever loyal iced americano. “You made all of these?” You ask. 

He looks over at you, surprised to have you out of the shower already. In that instance, he takes the chance to look at you closely: the heavy shoulders weren’t as apparent as they were last night, there’s a little spark in your eyes too. “Yeah.” He simply says before returning his attention to the still cooking pancake. 

It’s only then that you think of preparing the table as the two of you wait for the food to cook. 

You eat slowly and carefully. The splash of flavor reminds you of how hungry you are but you remind yourself to not rush. It’s been so long since you ate properly after all. When he sees you drink your coffee, he feels a little relief. Baby steps. It’s small talk for the rest of the meal, just Jongho filling you in on what he’s been up to: the acting, the performing, the competing. It’s all tiring, but he doesn’t mind. Last night was exhausting for you so you didn’t really mind him carrying the conversation for once. 

By the time you ate two pieces of the pancakes, you had a little bit of vigor in you though still muted by the hangover that crying gives you. That’s when you came clean with your own thoughts, though still pessimistic and anxious in its roots, it was a little more coherent than last night. If he looked a little closer into the words you say, you left room for a little hope, a little objectivity. Objectivity, in his eyes, was harder to rebut, to be fought against by the small voice in your head that says otherwise. Still, he listens. He listens to everything that you’ve been keeping to yourself with no judgement. He finds it hard to believe how you’ve been able to keep all these to yourself but at the same time, this is you who he’s talking to. 

But you’re sharing the worries now, and that’s what matters. There’s a ghost of a smile on your lips. No malice and pain in it but something else. Something a little softer. 

Seeing you like this reassured him. You were at your lowest last night and seeing you slowly crawl out of it gives him relief.  He can only do so much to help you, to reassure you, to get you to where you were meant to be in life. It really is just one small step after one small step even after tripping, as long as you take a step afterwards, that’s all that matters. 

He glances outside your window, the sky still continues to be bright without a cloud hindering the sunlight. Truthfully, he doesn’t know if the next few days will continue to be on a good note but what matters is now. Just like a painting that has gone through so much damage, it’s still possible to bring it back to its original luster. It will take time and effort from not just one person but it’s possible. 

As long as you’re able to walk at your own pace, he’ll be with you.

[bigskydreaming]

Writing anon part 2. I'm having problem with the voice. I let my friends read some parts I have written, they're not hearing the voice I'm trying to give to the oc. They're expecting certain things from a female character that I didn't write because I was basing the character on a few people, most of them are men. It's difficult to explain this, they're cis because I'm cis but I don't.. care about/ compute gender? But I don't think I can write agender character faithfully either. What to do?

Okay, so I just randomly picked this one of the several linked messages to respond to, no particular reason for this one, just had to go with one so why not this one, lol. I just say that as a preface, to like, emphasize that this is about your overall question not any one specific part of it.

My only advice would be to try not to stress about this project too much in terms of like, this one writing project. What I mean by that is everything we write exists on its own, as a single work or piece of writing, whether finished or complete....but it also exists as part of our overall writing....idk, journey or whatever. Our career as a writer, whether or not its ever meant or hoped to be a professional career or just a personal hobby thing.

I think we understandably put a lot of focus and emphasis on each individual work we create, because yeah, ideally, each of those should stand on their own, exist as their own independent thing that doesn’t hinge on everything else we write......at least from a reader’s perspective.

But sometimes, its necessary and more helpful to just concentrate on your perspective, as the writer. And so it sounds to me like you might have an easier time with this particular project if you focus or stress less about getting this one piece of writing right, and instead look at it more in terms of like.....what it lets you explore and how that adds to or shapes your overall writing in general or future works you might write.

Because what you create doesn’t exist in a vaccuum. Even if nothing ever comes of this project, even if you shelve it and decide it didn’t work or didn’t accomplish what you hoped, you’ll still have the experience of writing it, and everything that experience taught you. About yourself, your writing, your approach to certain characters or particular dynamics.....ALL of which you’ll still retain as like....a foundation or headstart you can apply to whatever you write next.

Like I have a ton of different projects, both personal and professional and also fanfic/hobbyish because lolol look how smart I am, I clearly understand the meaning of both, it means three things see fahjkfhalfal. But I just mean like....there’s this one ‘story’ that I’ve actually written like three different times, in three different ways, two of them different fandoms and one an original project....and I’ll probably still end up writing it again at some point in the future. Because this one specific story is very personal to me, and I keep writing it in different ways because I’ve yet to write it RIGHT. I’ve yet to tell the story that I really want to tell with it, and at the same time, I haven’t quite yet found the right way to tell it so I keep trying different approaches until I find the one that CLICKS.

And none of these stories are a waste, even though they’re all the same story and even still, none of them are totally THE story they’re meant to be. Because each time I write it, I learn a little bit more about what I’m TRYING to say with it, as well as all these other little things about myself, the dynamics I’m crafting, the messages I’m layering in without even realizing it, and so much more. And all of that is still useful to me, still worth the act of writing, and its all like.....then right there and already existing for me to apply elsewhere to all KINDS of different stories and other projects of mine. Some of my best bits of writing have come about as the end result of something that had its start in a story I wouldn’t consider a success in and of itself, as its not the story I mean it to be.....but parts of it still resonated, still were worth the writing journey, or still got plenty of use as building blocks of other completely unrelated projects.

So anyway, my overall advice here is I don’t think I can really help you in terms of your specific concerns, as I think I struggle just as much with the nuances of writing gender and gendered roles or dynamics or their lack thereof, as like....anyone. So instead my suggestion is just to give yourself permission to take a step back from worrying too much about what you accomplish with this specific story in and of itself, don’t stress too much about how well or not it ends up working or what it ends up saying on its own....and try and reframe it in your own mind and approach to it as like.....just a step forward on your self-exploration as a writer in general. Because just in the act of writing it, you’re learning things like when something feels like it DOESN’T work, just as much as what does, and learning even just how to recognize when something feels like its not being received the way you intend or want it to be. As well as like....in terms of your specific concerns about writing gender and voice, even if you reach the end of this writing project and feel like you didn’t quite get it down the way you hoped to.....everything you DID get down on the page is still internalized now as something you’ve already tried and thus free yourself up to try something different in the future.

Even if you are trying to do something specific with your writing, there’s still no such thing as wasted writing as long as you’re able to take SOMETHING away from everything you’ve written, and put it to use or even just into perspective, when moving forward.

Hope that helps!