#my sweet baby girl shart

[demonologue]

Tavuary weekly prompt 1: Fluff

I’m sure camp is a favourite place for many of us, but it is legitimately the best part of the game for me. The wild and untamed boost of ace serotonin I get from tucking the party in for the night and giving them all forehead kisses... I have to force myself not to long rest more than necessary.

Title: All Is Well

Characters: Gale, Lae'zel, Shadowheart, Astarion, Scratch, Tav

Rating: T

Summary: Just a druid dad doing his best to take care of this found family.

All Is Well

Finally, another long day has come to an end. Camp has gone quiet in that way it tends to do when fatigue is about to win out over the hunger, petty squabbles, and inventory management. It’s time to tuck everyone in before your long rest. 

You start with Gale. Maybe it’s cheating to get the bedtime story first, but he’s so good at telling them. It always makes you smile. Is he for real? It doesn’t matter. Sometimes finding joy in what’s on the surface is safe. You know his secret, and you have an agreement about it. Just like your agreement with Lae’zel to murder each other if you start to turn. 

She’s next, giving you a curt nod as you walk over. That leather undergarment is something. She’s something. You want to tell her how impressed you are with all the progress she’s made in the short time you’ve known one another. Is she young for a Githyanki? You have no damn clue. But she feels like a new recruit somehow. You want to give her the space respect demands, but you also want to support her when she lets you. It happens now and then. The two of you have made progress. 

“Greetings.” A lot of progress.

“Just coming by to say goodnight,” you tell her. “I’d say sweet dreams, but I feel like you’ll just curse at me in Gith.” 

She does. “K’chakhi.” But there’s a certain quirk to her lips. Maybe it’s just you, but her insults sound more affectionate than they used to.

You chuckle. “See you in the morning.” 

“Not if I see you first, istik.”

You walk away smiling. Ignore Astarion, as he stands outside his tent, poised like an actor about to monologue, pretending to read. There will be no sweet good night there. 

You have an agreement with him, too, but it’s a sinister, one-sided one. You know you’re being used, but it’s the only thing he’ll accept from you right now. Will it be enough to facilitate a change later? Is change even possible for someone like him? 

You’re ready to do what is necessary if he shows his true colors or harms the others. For now, you’ve agreed to watch one another’s backs, and you think he might be considering loosely holding up his end of the bargain. That has to be enough for now. But he gets no good night. You feel sure he’d just reply with a snarky retort anyway.

Finally, you’re here. And you just watch Shadowheart praying quietly for a few moments. She looks up and sees you before you make yourself known. “Lady of Sorrows guide us. Did you want something?” There’s always this sadness that lingers in the air around her, but right now, it’s more concentrated. Like a dart fired into the shield of devotion with which she guards her heart. 

“You alright?” you ask softly. 

“What a strange thing to ask.” She stands and turns her back to you, pretending to look out at the horizon. Her tone is clearly an imitation of someone else. Perhaps that Mother Superior she’s told you about. Someone cold and uncaring. But it’s not her. 

“Is it?” You move up to stand behind her. Just out of arm’s reach, you feel it before you see it. Tears like starlight slipping down her cheeks. “Oh, kitten. I’m sorry.” 

You never know what to say to her. Nothing is ever quite right. And words are never enough. So you move close and rest your chin on top of her head, careful not to touch her with any other part of you. This is your secret language, just the two of you. How you ask permission. 

“I don’t know–!” Her voice cuts off, her shoulders trembling. You gently wrap your arms around her, and just stand quietly as she cries. Like a comforting tree bearing silent witness. Eventually, she turns toward you and rests her head against your chest. She never returns the embrace, and that’s perfectly okay. 

Times like this, it’s hard for you, too. Hard not to think about the little girl who will never grow into a woman. How much this woman, trying so hard to hide the little girl inside her, reminds you of your own daughter. Maybe the stoic tree lets slip a tear, too.

“I’m so proud of you,” you tell her softly. “You’re doing so well. Better and better every day.” 

This summons forth more tears. The clerics of Shar are not big on positive reinforcement, you guess. 

“Thank you,” she says at last, when the tears have finally subsided. Shadowheart steps back, and it’s over, her autonomy restored. She stands on her own again. 

“Any time,” you tell her warmly. And grin. “Don’t tell the others, but you know...you’re my favourite.” 

It startles a half smile from her. “You’re the only one I trust, so I suppose you’re mine, too.” 

“Sleep tight,” you tell her with a little wave. “Don’t let the–er. Well. If he does, make sure it’s consensual.” 

“I’d sooner kill him.” 

“That’s my girl.” The ghost of a smile remains as you walk back to the campfire, feeling more tired with every step. 

“Were you two talking about me again? I feel like you were.” Silent feet fall into step beside you. “You know I can always tell.”

“Would you just fuck off?” So much for savoring a moment. His pervasive anxiety is toxic and contagious. Of course he listens to everything everyone says, always. Surrounded by shadows, this one, mind and body. 

“Honestly, darling, you’re not quite my type.” 

“Go to bed, Astarion.” 

“I thought that’s what we were attempting to arrange. Or you were. As I said, I’m not much interested in the big, muscley, goody-goody type.” He waves a hand in your direction, gesturing idly at ‘all that.’

“Go sleep on your own bedroll. Alone. Please.” He gets under your skin too easily. You don’t mean to speak so harshly, but you always do. Take a deep breath. “When you’re ready. Obviously, I’m not telling you what to do.” 

“Bloody well right you’re not!” He looks down his nose at you the way he always looks down his nose at you (which is a neat trick, considering he’s almost a foot shorter than you are). That effortless air of superiority mixed with naked disgust. His sickly sweet tone drifts back to you over his shoulder as he slinks away: “Sweet dreams~” 

You bite back the urge to tell him to fuck off again. “Behave.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, darling.”

You know deep in your gut, you’re going to have to kill him eventually. But not today. Please, gods. Can you just rest, just this once? 

You must have been more tired than you thought. When you open your eyes, everyone else is sound asleep, gathered around the fire. You have that dizzy feeling that means your nightly offering has been accepted. Glance over and see him resting silently with the others. It’s the only time he looks remotely at peace.

At the edge of the firelight, Scratch looks out watchfully at the darkness. You call for him in a language he understands, and he pads over to lie down, his comforting bulk leaning against you. You push your fingers into his soft, white fur and slip into a blissfully dreamless sleep.

[yosajaeofficial]

JULY UPDATE

Hey hey hey! Welcome back to the show, “The Monthly Jayce Myles Comics Updates!” Where I give obvious monthly updates to my followers about the progress for the hit series that hasn’t debuted yet, “ROTTMNT: The Jayce Myles Comics”! Sorry I haven’t posted this month, I was hella busy with college applications and other projects, but I’m delighted to get back into these updates.

Without further ado, let’s get the show running! I have some fun things to show ya!!!

The Comic

(W.I.P OF THE OFFICIAL DEBUT COMIC)

The month was way too quick for my own good, the comic’s slow. Again, I was busy applying to college and doing other side projects I’m working on. I’m gonna be attending college next month so the comic will have its hardships but I really wanna pursue my education as well, but the updates shall continue like always with all of its fun content! Anyways, the comic: the debut has 20+ pages and my god it’s just insane on how many there are when I’m not even halfway there. I’m impressed with how many pages go by just to tell the story, older pages will be fixed up so it either might be reduced or even more but that’s for future Jae to decide; I’m learning as I go! It’s also better that I show instead of say that I’m just “working on it” since it’s easy to lie to be honest.

The turtles haven’t been seen since I haven’t got to drawing their introductions yet, I’m gonna shart in my pants because I’m scared but I’m literally an artist doing a comic so I gotta do them sooner than later. Maybe the next update you’ll see them? Don’t hold me too much onto that but it might be a cute goal to set, let me know what happened when the August update comes!

Jayce is so silly with her coat huh? She’s just a girl giving it her best, even if they thrift at the worst shop known to man (they’re gonna learn someday…) We also got Rogelio and Jayce being all cool together, I was proud of that page when first sketching it out. They both are so sweet to draw out, hope to see their finalized pages to see their true potential!

Bonus Content: Hidden City Mystical Crystals

Silly reader, you’re scratching your nose and thinking, “what am I looking at?” You’re in luck! Cuz these babies are actually additional parts about the Hidden City’s lore/magic system. Magic system? Yes, a magic system. The Jayce Myles Comics is going beyond the original canon of Rise and creating many more original concepts and combining it with what was given by the canon. I wanted to show off more of the mystics from yokai because their potential was so much cooler to finally explore when drafting the ideas.

The Hidden City’s magic system is based off of the elements, not too complicated, but has some different rules when compared to other executions of the elemental magic system. That’s for another day, I’m only gonna talk about the crystals and show what they can do. You can reference this update and look into the JMC with this cool bit of knowledge! Let’s get started >:3

Origins of the Mystical Crystals

These crystals were created based off of industrial flaws people have faced. Basically, I learned about the 1920s construction workers and their working conditions where it made me think “what would the have wished for when they worked?” I referenced from real people, history books, and my own personal experiences to create functions, and help base the crystals off of what I came up with.

The Netflix show, “Arcane” was a great inspiration to combine mystics with technology, the brand was called “Hextech” and it’s system was hella cool to me and it helped a lot when I was working on the crystal’s concepts. The mystical crystals are meant to be used as “tools to help the magic user”, where they can enhance their power, gain a temporary ability, create spells, or use in technology.

The names of them are based off of the Latin languages like, English, Italian, Spanish, and a hint of both Chinese and Korean if you squint really hard. I will go through each of the crystals in a vague manner for ya’ll to see what they can do!

Fire Magic

Fire magic is actually defined as: “The manipulation/manifestation of temperature” instead of just heat, it can be fire or ice.

LA HEILMAQ: The crystal is based off of quartz in visuals and has the glow like a moonstone! La Heilmaq is the crystal that’s used to help air conditioning in modern homes and create weapons. They’re the most natural crystal to use to create weapons since it’s form holds up so well, it’s as common as bronze in real life! They’re pretty cold to the touch, so be careful and don’t hold them for too long if you’re 1. not a fire magic user, or 2. not wearing gloves. These babies are used for more attacks than defense since they’re pretty deadly if you’ve been penetrated by the crystal itself.

EL HEILMAQ: This crystal is based off of colored glass from old alcohol bottles, tainted windows, and the power of friendship because this is the one that isn’t the most realistic looking since I made the shape up. It looks like the “BOOM!” shape for a reason~ El Heilmaq is the crystal which contains heat, it’s sealed by the actual gemstone itself so you’re able to touch with your bare hands without getting burned. The crystal can be used for restoring heat in homes, making artillery, and/or throwing them on the ground to create natural firecrackers. Most yokai use smaller bits of the crystal as distractions and the bigger pieces to help the industry by keeping their homes warm, they don’t need boiler rooms or to grab coal because El Heilmaq crystals can already do that for them without causing damage to nature.

The word Heilmaq was based off the English word “Hail” which is Ice, which is to hammer the idea that this isn’t just heat based. The word Maq is gibberish that's made to be another word for "kaboom", which brings more of the fire elements to the word itself.

Air Magic

Air magic is defined as, “The manipulation/manifestation of oxygen”!

LA SENYÁR: The crystal is based off of diamonds and emeralds! La Senyár is a crystal that helps give the air magic user more of a boost, they can crash the crystal and it gives them a boost of air so they can jump higher, dodge quicker, or just blow a gust of wind at the enemy. The crystal itself is used by technology to give it more flight, used in planes, cars, and even shoes! Yes, shoes can also have the crystal, it helps the bird yokai give them a boost to use their wings to fly. The word Senyár is a word based off of the Spanish word, “Soñar” that translates to “To Dream”; it was named this way because the way how the pressure of the air isn’t as powerful or dense, it’s like if you’re walking on clouds, it feels like a dream.

Water Magic

Water magic is defined as, “The manipulation/manifestation of water and health”

LA CANTÉM: The crystal is based off of pebbles found in rivers, ponds, and on rock beaches; there’s also influence by the topaz gemstone with it’s beautiful orange color. La Cantém is a healing crystal, where you’re able to use it on yourself to cool down injuries where it helps heal the wounds. It works both as a numbing solution and healing solution based on the water magic user. With these crystals, you always have to hydrate them in fresh water so the water can absorb into the crystal and used as energy; if it’s dehydrated, then the crystal’s will be weaker. The word Cantém is based off of the Spanish word, “Cantar” where it translates to, “To Sing”. It’s because singing can calm people down, and the crystal helps calm down the injured and lets the healing process go smoothly, it’s based off of my bestie where their singing really was like fresh water to my ears, a great inspiration for this crystal.

Earth Magic

Earth magic is defined as, “The manipulation/manifestation of nature”

EL TERÉM: The crystal is based off of an amethyst visually, and yes, inside there’s a different color! El Terém is the crystal that most fighters use in order to manipulate rocks/boulders, build stronger architecture, or create rock shields when you throw them on the floor. It’s mostly rock based but still hella good to use in battle as a defense mechanism, the rock that’s formed is sturdy too, not weak for it to break easily. Shredder would have no problems breaking it but that guy’s insane. The word Terém is inspired by the word "tear" or "contain", any interpretation rocks! (no pun intended)

Yin Magic

Yin magic is defined as, “The manipulation/manifestation of darkness”

MIE SIÑE: The crystal is based off of titanium black tourmaline and onyx. Mie Siñe is the crystal that contains shadows inside, depending on what the spell is, it either can produce shadows or fog. The usage for the crystal is much more unknown since Yin magic is banned from being used in Witchtown, but the crystal itself has been documented to be used to isolate the enemy when being used. It's also been used to cover the enemies eyes with darkness in order to distract them/become vulnerable sight wise. The word Siñe is a word based on the actual word "Sign" and "Sin", which holds a lot of significance into the story so I won't spoil.

Yang Magic

Yang magic is defined as, “The manipulation/manifestation of light”

MIE PIRE: This dear crystal is based off of the Italian onyx, magnesite, and calcite. Mie Pire is the crystal that contains light inside, any kind of light, it's not just sunlight. It's a bit more tricky and dangerous to use since you can blind yourself with it more easily, so it's also not as used. However, Yang magic is also banned like Yin, but there has still been technological uses for Mie Pire like using it as an alternative for electricity (which saves the bills!) and also used as lamps for more conservative places like Witchtown. The crystal has proved itself useful as a light source, but it can still be used as a defense mechanism by blinding the enemies eyes for a good second of even minute. The word Pire is based off of the word "Pure" which means that this crystal is very raw hence why it's dangerous. Another word it's inspired by is the Latin word "Pyra" which means "Bonfire". Both interpretations are used for this one!

The word Mie is based off of the actual Italian word "Mie" which means "My". It doesn't truly mean mine, because it's also inspired by the Spanish "Mira" that translates to "Look". It can be interpreted any way you want!

Thank you for coming to this lovely update! I've been working really hard to get the comic rolling and to also balance out my personal life with it, but I'm proud of how far I've come in the span of a year! Lots of progress has been made and it's getting much more exciting to create for the JMC. Have a wonderful day/night and see ya'll soon.

[sanriopinterest]

♡ 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚎𝚝 𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚍𝚛𝚘𝚖𝚎 ♡

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🌺In honor of season two being official I give you, a new chapter🌺

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🌺The fit for this part of the fic🌺

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"Yummy! I wanna make dessert babies with you, I would rub you all over my body if it wasn't for the yeast I swear I would!". I bat my eyelashes and gave her a blank stare as she starts beating chuck. "You do you girl, you do you". The elevator dings as panty skips through the door singing a song. "Very catchy Panty" I state as she freezes. "Ugh why does it smell like a gummy bear sharted in here? Whats happening, what are you eating and, why does it smell like jelly bean spunk" she comments coming near the couch. More like chair, only one person can sit on it, hence why im sitting on a beanbag chair rn.

"Put down the hatorade, I understand that its hard for you to accept that your vice gives you warts but thats not my fault". I lose interest the more they argue. Are they seriously arguing over sweets. I think I like (sweet/spicy) more. Overall its a stupid argument. The conversation ends with Chuck being kicked into the trash.

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As stocking stands naked in front of her mirror I was adjusting my pillows on our bed for sleep. When we got an apartment I decided to room with stocking over pantys mess of a 'room'. Its way darker in here anyway. "What the fuck, I just let that asshole make me paranoid". I hear stocking mumble. I watch her walk over to her scale. She squeals loudly as the scale stops. "Are you okay Stocking?" "Im a fatty.."

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🌺Another outfit change🌺

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The elevator dings as me and panty walk through it. "We're back from rocking out with my cock out! Get this shit, this dude just shoved his package in our face". Loud vrrs can be heard throughout the apartment. "We got you some stuff!" I call out holding a few boxes. The vrrs stop suddenly. "I almost puked on him because it looked like a bunch of sweet treats but I took it just incase it was full of dome sweet means if you know what im saying" She ranted on. "HUH?!? You said these were sweets YOU BOUGHT for Stocking!". I set down and open the boxes, sighing with relief when I realize their actually sweets. I DID NOT want to face Stocking if these weren't sweets.

"Uh Chica did you hear me? What the fuck is a fondae anyway? It looks like plastic, y'all take it their from angel house that place that everyone's getting their nipples hard over".

"No thank you! I have no interests of things of that nature" she says quickly. "Seriously? Looks like me and Chuck are getting the runs tonight!" I exclaim. Stocking almost never gives up her share so i'll be able to eat little more than I usually do. Panty drops the sweets into Chucks mouth as he devours the rest of his share. "Oopsie did you decide you wanted some?""Did you decide you wanted to shut the fuck up?!""Don't think you're getting any of mine!" I say as I pull out my (fav/cake) from the box. As I begin eating I look back towards my entertainment of the night. Who is now suddenly flipping Stockings shirt up and down. "So thats what was making the vrring noises earlier!" I point to Stockings stomach. "Chuck, c'mere" she spins in a crazed state into the elevator. "Weird".

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The elevator dings as I come from me and stockings room. My slippers gliding towards panty whos standing in the middle of the living room with a few boxes of cake. "Oh hey panty, what are you doing with all that cake" I ask as she looks around the room. "Have you seen Stocking around?""Uh yeah last time I saw her she was in the boiler room?""Thanks". Panty starts walking towards the boiler room and follow her. We walk in and look around for our sister. We scream as she appears in front of us looking dead, not even half dead I mean, freash out the casket dead. Panty holds out the cake as an offering but Stocking just stares at it. She takes it but lets the cake fall off the tray. Leaving us terrified.

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I scream as I get flicked out of the bed and onto the grass outside. "Fucking shit girl what happened?!? Your like trashy talk show, fat!""Seriously, this is the thing I wake up too?" I look up at the sky and ask. "Huh what are you talking about I always have a bridge around my waist don't be an asshole" Stocking says in a deeper voice than usual. "I don't really wanna do this but I said I would". Panty then starts hysterically laughing. "Not the time Panty-""When I do get out of here, your gonna be the meat in my breakfast taco" Stocking says. "Cannibalism much?". I look around to see panty and chuck still laughing their ass off, until chuck gets electrocuted. Garterbelt pops up from the ground. "Angels we have a mandee""She looks like a giant balloon with a hat on!" Panty continues her gag.

"I give up" I say to myself as panty flings from the ground. "That was my face you twat" she complains.

As Garterbelt explains whats happening im thinking about how I get our beds back in our rooms. "Angels what you're seeing here can only be the work of a ghost""Oh so they're the ones who turned Stocking into a glazed holiday ham, YOU HEAR THAT?!" Panty screams to Stocking. "CUT THAT OUT" I scream smacking the back of Pantys head. "GET ME DOWN! IM GNNA EAT THAT GHOSTS HONEY GLAZED NUTSACK" Stocking yells breaking the tower completely. Me and Panty watch with a suprised deadpan face. "Look your King Kong and We get to be the hot chicks!" Panty yells grabbing my waist while we're on top of stocking. "Um how did we change-"

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(Yet another outfit change <3)

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   Panty starts running backwards on Stocking making her roll forward into traffic. "What part of I don't do excersize do you not understand!" I yell at Panty. Thanks to the running shes doing I also have to run. She ignores me and keeps singing her song.

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    "Thats fucking endearing, since you only want to fatten up the hot chicks so you won't have to feel like such a lard ass" Panty calls out stopping th ladys rant. "Who the fuck are you?" She turns around. "EW SHE HAS NIPPLES FOR EYES""Someone who refuses to let you control her with your suger shooters! We're shutting down your fat factory old lady!" Panty preaches. Stocking groans behind us. "Stockings been eating titty icing?" I contemplate as Panty lets out a giggle seeing Stocking. "HOW DARE YOU! This is not just a factory this is a haven, where fat can be free to be whatever it wants to be! YA GOT THAT" She acreams growing more nipples. "SO GROSS" I scream as she shoots her sentient milk babies at us. "What is she doing? No I can't swallow that load its too much!" Panty panics. "Whens the last time you said that?" I teased. Panty and I pause as we see Stocking in front of us eating all the cream things. "EW SO GROSS" I say going back to freaking out and hiding behind Panty.

   "Ew shit way to take one for the team girl" Panty deadpans shielding herself from the Cream. Stocking tries to slash the woman with her sword but it doesn't work.

  "Oops must've shrunken in the wash" Stocking says. "ARE YOU SERIOUS RN?!?". The Ghost woman walks out of the factory heaving a bag with her. Me and Panty slide outside. "Not so fast!" She holds her gun to its stomach as I aim an arrow at her group of tits. "You think you can bake those cakes and not eat 'em too?!?". "Choke on this pippy long titties" I shout as I fire my arrow and Panty fires her gun. The Ghost leaves behind 4 heaven coins. "One for each neck roll, what was she? The ghost Embassoder of fatties who think they should get to be loved for who they are on the inside". I stare judgingly at Panty. "Or the fate of fatest bitches like u" Stocking says before deflating back to her normal self. "Oh your back to being hot?""Can we go home now? " I ask.

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  "You better not get all fat again or else you'll have to get good at blowjobs""Oh please, I don't mind some junk in the trunk if I can eat what I want. Going without sweets is like going without sex, not that you would have any idea what thats like" Stocking retorted. "True" I add on focusing on my game. "Dont even think about it Chuck~" Stocking sang before throwing Chuck. I look towards Chuck and walk over. "Can you maybe not throw him in the trashcan? I just bathed him" I asked taking Chuck and putting him on the floor.

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Words: 1573

Wattpad: @Vonlovesbread

(Your choker turns into a bow and arrow instead of your sleeve)

Thanks so much for waiting♡

[dudewotheck]

can we get some pet pics

thank you for this opportunity omg

first and foremost is my sweet girl chloe that passed away a few months ago. had her since i was 9 and she’ll always mean the world to me 🥹 miss her so much, she’s one of a kind.

this is sire, my sweet boy and he’s genuinely more of a person than a dog. i truly mean that and sometimes its like ???? he’s more emotionally intelligent than me. he’s 6 and so smart and so sensitive and just the sweetest thing ever :) he has an entire toy box bc i cant help myself and i buy him a toy like every time im out

then we have this sweet baby that came into my life just recently, who i STILL haven’t named… so for now she’s going by wacko and lil stinks. wasnt sure how i’d feel after losing chloe but i can already tell it was a good decision. she’s very sweet but also insane and TEARING up my hands and arms. but its okay bc she’s little and like 2 pounds

last but not least this is my girl mochi :) she’s a corn snake and almost 5 years old now, she was so tiny when i got her and now she’s a hunk of pure fucking MUSCLE. sweet thing, but sometimes wakes me up at night with her sharts :)

i love my children!!! i hope u love them too

[babyboibucky]

Stages - Part 1

Pairing: AU!Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 1,072

Summary: Bucky slowly realizes that he wants to cross the line of friendship with you.

A/N: I started a new series and this is the result of listening to Lauv’s Feelings so y’all might want to listen to that. A good ‘ol classic friends to lovers trope...if they do end up together in the end lol

STAGES MASTERLIST || MAIN MASTERLIST

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ONE: REALIZATION

Bucky was sure that it was just platonic, his friendship with you. Being friends since your ugliest days back in college, it wasn't that hard not to keep it platonic. You sported the most hideous haircut back then, wore braces that made you spit on Bucky's face whenever the two of you argued and you cursed like a motherfucking sailor.

There wasn’t even a hint of sweetness in your entire personality. Bucky literally cried to you out of fear when he almost failed a major and you merely laughed at him, called him a pussy for getting emotional over something so trivial and bought him a bucket of beer to make him feel better.

"She's totally not girlfriend material." Bucky used to tell everyone and you always agreed without even feeling offended.

Why would you be anyway? Getting attracted to Bucky never crossed your mind even though he didn't seem to have that awkward teenager phase, that lucky bastard. He was already good-looking with his piercing blue eyes and boyish grin that made every girl in the university swoon. Sure, he had some baby fat back then but his goddamn charm was undeniable.

Too bad it never worked on you.

You’ve seen how Bucky flirted, heard his cheesy pick-up lines over and over again and they just made you cringe. You almost wanted to throw up when Bucky shamelessly engaged in phone sex while he hung out at your dorm. Thank god he didn’t whip his dick out and jerked off while you studied, he just groaned and cursed into the phone, talked dirty to whoever it was he was talking to and boy was Bucky terrible at it.

“You want me to fuck you with my 8-inch dick?” Bucky grunted into the phone as he laid on your bed.

You rolled your eyes and slammed your laptop shut, deciding to continue reviewing somewhere else. You left your dorm but not without grabbing Bucky’s phone, interrupting him in the middle of his disgusting sex talk.

“8-inch dick? More like 8 inches divided by 4. Good luck sucking his micropenis, sis.”

“You fucking, bitch!”

The both of you knew each other very well too, a tad bit too much at that. You knew each other's deepest darkest secrets like that one time in sophomore year when Bucky had food poisoning during a test and had to swallow back his vomit again and again until he finished the exam. Or when you went on a blind date for the first time, sharted, and braved through the entire day with shit in your underwear.

You also knew he wasn't one to settle down and all the times that he did commit, he always ended up breaking the poor girl's heart. Bucky was also aware of your trust issues given your family history. Having witnessed your parents fall out of love and into resentment, you refused to believe in relationships.

“I heard you rejected Tyler. He isn’t so bad you know?” Bucky asked as he sat next to you in the library.

“You know I don’t do relationships, Buck.” you told him, leaning your face against your palm as you flipped through the pages of your handouts.

“I heard you dumped Dot.” you asked back. “I thought she was the one. I mean, you sorta changed when you started dating her. Thought you stopped using your dick to think.”

Bucky shrugged, “I got bored of it.” he responded.

You snorted and turned to him, “Guys like you are the reason why I don’t do relationships.”

“Yeah well, girls like you are the reason why I don’t do commitment.” he snapped back. “You’re too cynical, I mean c’mon. Have fun, suck a dick without attachments.” he said out loud, earning a chorus of shushes from the other students engrossed in their books.

You rolled your eyes at Bucky in embarrassment and started gathering your things, preparing to leave the library.

“I already did.”

“What the fuck?! When and whose dick did you suck?!”

“Shush!!!!!”

It was pretty clear that romance was out of the books between the two of you.

Bucky was sure that it was just platonic, his friendship with you. Until he slowly began to realize that maybe, just maybe...you might be girlfriend material after all.

-

As the years went by, Bucky started noticing the little changes in you in all aspects...and as a man, it was the physical changes that he started to notice first.

Sleepovers weren't unusual for the both of you, in fact, the both of you were comfortable letting each other stay the night at each other’s dorms. Junior year in college, Bucky decided to stay at your dorm to work on a project. You had just finished taking a bath when Bucky knocked on your door and almost choked on his own spit upon seeing you in a tight cami top and the tiniest pair of shorts.

It wasn’t really the first time you paraded around Bucky wearing such, but for some reason, he couldn’t get his eyes to look away from your chest that night because fuck, when did they get that perky? Bucky felt bad for sexualizing so he decided to go through your old pictures (you with the ugly-ass hair and braces) to rinse his brain and fortunately, it worked.

For a while, Bucky managed to ignore the physical changes you were going through. It didn't last long though, because right after graduation Bucky started to notice a lot of things about you. Your hair had grown longer and for some reason, Bucky found himself wanting to run his fingers through your locks. He loved the natural waves in your hair, sometimes he'd tug at them to annoy you but truth was, he just wanted an excuse to touch it.

You had your braces removed in senior year too but it wasn't until your graduation that Bucky noticed how it totally changed your smile. You were pretty insecure about your teeth and when you finally got them straightened out, you learned to smile more and with confidence. Bucky remembered your habit of covering your mouth with your hands whenever you laughed so when he first saw you laugh freely, he thought you looked the most beautiful.

Were the changes in you that blatant for Bucky to start noticing them or was he just paying more attention to you?

Bucky didn't know why. At least, not yet.

-

Everything Bucky Tag List:

@ddowii @jessou893 @hersilencedscreams 

Sign up on my tag list here - https://forms.gle/b5haFXewSKqnXxxh7

[bbi-bbi]

MAMAMOO reacting to you getting bullied + the type of friend they are!

Hwasa -

〇She is definitely more of the confident type, so if she needs something to be done, she’ll do it without question.〇

“Ello, baby bird! What’s happening?” She answered your call eagerly, a smile in her voice. “D-did I interrupt something..?” You answer timidly, being able to feel how tense Hyejin got when you spoke up. You were a normally loud person and would answer with something funny, yet dumb like “Nothing much bitch, just got my belly button pierced with Ms. Shin’s ear” or something of that nature. “Hmm, you didn’t interrupt anything. Well, nothing interesting anyway.. Byul’s being gay, as usual. What’s wrong, hun?” She asked, the protectiveness clear in her voice. “J-Jimin, she..” You trailed off, a hiccuping sniffle erupting out of your throat. “Say no more birdie, I got it covered.” Hyejin said before hanging up. 10 minutes later, you got a notification that *hwasa_mariahmarya* posted something on Mamagram. It was a nude and *Jiminangeloface* was tagged with the caption “don’t come for my friends unless you want someone to come for that stinky ass of yours. love ya.”

Wheein -

〇It goes without saying that Wheein is a crackhead. A beautiful, sweet, crackhead〇

“Yo, who’s crying? Wheein yelled as she walked into the ladies bathroom, sitting on one of the sinks in there. You abruptly tried to stop your wailing, now fully aware someone was in here. “Come on, don’t be shy. I don’t bite unless you’re into that kinda stuff.” Wheein paused, now hearing silence. “Alright, if you don’t come out I will get Mr. Johnson to shart on your face. He’d do it for 20 dollars, a hotdog and some company. So I think it’s best for you to jus-” You barge out of the stall, mascara running, puffy eyes, and a quivering lip. “Y/n, what the fuck? You coulda just said it was you! bythewaymrjohnsonhasdiabetesandhadtotaketherestofthemonthoffsoyeah. Why are you crying? Don’t tell me it was those Betty Boop Beyonce wannabes. Don’t tell me they tried to pick on you. You, my good ma’am, are one of the best people here! Don’t pay them any mind, they don’t deserve it. They’re just mad because their developer didn’t put them in rice yet, it will be okay, sweetheart. Now, let’s skip the next period and go get some mcflurries! You down? Of course you are.”

Moonbyul -

〇She is the biggest girl crush ever. She’d definitely be picking up at least ten numbers just by walking to her mailbox〇

Moonbyul walked into the class, late again as she refused to wear a skirt and had to report to the principal’s office. Update, she still had on pants. She walked to the back to sit by you, sending you a smile and frowning once she seen your head down. ‘Must be a headache’ She thought, rubbing your back, pausing once she felt you taking a shaky breath. She removed her hand and took out her notebook, ripping a small piece of paper and writing “U okay? If not, give me a one word reason why not” on it, passing it over to you. You looked up and rubbed your eyes, huffing quietly and nodding your head over at Jimin’s tablemates and herself, giggling every once in a while and looking back at you. Moonbyul immediately understood, changing her seats to quickly sit by them, in which they squealed and quickly began talking to Moonbyul about irrelevant stuff, which sh shut down. “Yeah, no. I refuse to waste my time with you.. you disgusting irresponsible. You’re wasting Y/n’s time by being assholes. Keep it to yourself.”

Solar -

〇mommy materia- wait no, i mean she is the type to baby her friends, as a mother figure〇

“I hope you reflect on your insolent behavior.”

^^that should be enough

[ohnohetaliasues]

Blood Raining Night{Chapter 30}

(Kat)

Yes, I know this is late, but I decided to finish the story. This is the last chapter that’s been posted, but it seems to be ongoing. Anyway, let’s begin. 

The last night was very stimulating from conversation about Reicheru's sister growing within Mew. It was not morning.

How is Mew pregnant is my qiestion? Pokemon lay eggs. 

Elaine came out of her room rubbing her eyes. "What's up mama?" She groggily spoke. "Don't worry about it Baby." Reicheru said as Elaine hopped up onto her lap. Breakfast was laid out. 

You know, I still wonder when the next episode of the fanime  is coming out. 

"Gimme fork please. nyu" 

Elaine instructed to Amirru. He gave her the fork and she shuffled a mouthfull of salad into Reicheru's mouth. "Good mama?"

Who eats salad for breakfast?

"Mmmmm yes. Very good. THank you sweetie." Reicheru and Elaine smiled. "Your like a mommy...BUT DON"T be one because its very hard to be young and have babbies. But every hardship is worth every moment with you, Baby."

This is too sugary. 

Off on the other side of the table Mew stirred her Captain cruch tragically, "What will I do..." Mew said.

Die.

Also, how do you stir your Captain Crunch* tragically? I’d like to learn to do that. 

"We'll help you raise your baby. I'll have a little sister and Tenshikuzu will have an aunt."

After all this time I’ve never gotten over TEHNSHIKUZU. 

"Yeah you're right..." Mew said. "This could be good for everyone!"

Teen pregnancy is not good for everyone. 

Reicheru had the tiniest bit of a smile on her face and turned her head towards Mew, "I wish times were better. I'm sure my daddy will be back for Tenshikuzu. There is no normal family right now...But we will be one once all this is done."

Mew left and Reicheru nuzzled her hair against Elaine's ear and spoke very softly into it like a babbling brook,

Oh god I forgot about the bad similies. 

 "We're going to go shooping for Mew's new baby! It'll make her feel more at ease and ready for her new life!"

That exclimation mark does not imply that she  ‘nuzzled her hair against Elaine's ear and spoke very softly into it like a babbling brook.’

Elaine put her hands on her big full cheeks and squeed, "SOUNDS FUN!" she said and was immediately hushed by a smiling Reicheru. Amirru wiped off Elaine and Reicheru's dirty ass faces and spoke, "Will you need assistance mam?"

Was that really necessary?

"oh thanks Ami! But no there are times when Tenshikuzu

or Yuki can allow me to look through their eyes. Elaine will be up for it today. You need keep Mew-chan calm." Elaine and Reicheru left, holding hands. "Nya~ON!"

The mall was full and loud with the heat of a woman very fat and angry.

I can’t even anymore.

 You could smell the cinnamon rolls, and that's all Reicheru knew was there until Elaine let her look through her eyes.

I’ve run out of anything to poke at this with. 

As the light came into her mind's eyes she gently squeezed Elaines hand...It had been the first she's seen since she was at the island with Yuki when Elaine was kidnapped. "What do we get mama?" Elaine walked her mom through the many shelves. "Well she will need baby clothes and a few how to baby books, and some baby chewable food..." BUMP! Elaine was so short and without noticing she ran Reicheru right into someone. "HEY! WATCH IT!" Came a very demanding and manly feminine

voice from giant pudding lips.

Does that seem racist to anyone else?

 "Do you just let your daughter lead you around like that?? You knew I was standing here!"

She’s blind.

Elaine looked up at the girl so Reicheru could see her, "Oh sorry," Reicheru sweated "I cant see too good and my daughter is helping me out..." Reicheru furry cat ears flatted in embarrassment. The girl had on a purple and black bikini with black short pants and had pink eyes with pink hair that was light blue at the tips almost like sharp cotton candy. "Baby we should go look in the clothes section..."

Rude people are rude to blind people. 

The girl thought about something hard and then stepped in front of Reicheru, "Eh!" She said stepping in front of Elaine, "you guys seem like you need help with taht. I'm Shartara Akainiku. you can call me Shart-San

HER NAME IS SHART. 

 or Sha-San if your lazy," she shookhands with Reicheru. "Oh hi..." Reicheru nervously shook her hand which was painted with pale blue nail polish. "I'm Reicheru and this is my daughter Elaine." "NYU!" Elaine squeeked. 

Die.

Shartara looked very unamused 

Same.

at the child and rolled her eyes to the other side of the store, but petted Elaine on the head and faked a "What a cute little girl."

She is literally me.

As they were picking out clothes and other things Shartara stayed behind them not saying much but texting a lot. "Ugh," she sighed, "this is kinda boring. I think your a bit late anyway your daughter isn't a baby."

Wow, Reicheru sure treats Elaine like a baby, so I’m not surprised that’s what she thought. 

"These things aren't for me their for a friend who will have a baby soon." Reicheru said as Elaine put a bib in the shopping basket. "She's really scared and she needs some help preparing. It's gonna be my little sister!" "AND MY AUNT!" Elaine said excidedly holding toilet paper. Shartara looks confused "Um...Okay." She grinned about something and then bent down to talk to Elaine, "Hey you know what sounds liek fun?" Elaine's eyes bugged in mystery and wonder like two red bubbles, "What Shart-San?"

I’m dying her name is shart.

"If we got...Cinnamon rolles!" she got Elaine very excited!

Cinnamon rolls are really good.

"Mama can we get some? PLEEEASE?" She tugged at Reicheru's pink dress. "Uh...Welll..." Reicheru was put on the spot, "Sha-San we really need to finish shopping for Mew and then we can get cinnamon rolls." Shartara took Elaine by the hand and started walking them to the food court, "live a little bit you guys," she said, "This is gonna be tons more fun then shopping for baby stuff!" They sat at a round table in the middle of the food court and stuffed gargantuous fluffy cinnamon rolls into their moths. Sweet cream cheese icing drooled from the corners of their lips and Shartara and Elaine looked very happy.

Reicheru shouldn’t be letting some woman she just met do this with her daughter. 

But this is Reicheru we’re talking about. 

"Now this is my kinda thing” Shartara said. "Isn't it Elaine?" Reicheru stood up and grabbed Elaine's sticky frosting hand, "Sha-San it was fun having you tag along and all..."

Good. Reicheru is actually being moderately responsible. 

Kill me.

"Oh yeah I didn't bring any money..." Shartara quickly threw her napkins down and backed away from the table "Your right Reicheru it was very fun. I'll see you guys around." She ran off texting.

Also, PAY FOR YOUR FOOD YOU MEDIOCRE DUNCE. 

"What the hell..." Reicheru was angrier than the bull "What a load of crap and that was weird. Id like to smack her!" "Shart-San is sugoi!" Elaine beamed with a glowing look on her face. Reicheru sighed.

Don’t speak bad Japanese please. 

"Sweetie I need to go to the bathroom. Could you take me there?" Reicheru asked. They walked thorough the mall until they found the bathrooms. "Okay Baby just wait on the benches in the hall. I can feel my way around in the bathroom door." Elaine did what she was told and sat on the benches which were in a different hallway next to the bathrooms.

Shartara is gonna kidnap Elaine, isn’t she.

As Reicheru was washing her hands and feeling her way to the door, she could hear something very strange. SCREEEETCH...CLUNK! Reicheru leaned her ear against the door. The noise was stop. Through Elaine's eyes she could see a smiling figure walking towards her from the bathroom hallway. It was Shartara. She was all happy and saying SOMETHING to Elaine but Reicheru could not hear what. 

Help.

Shartara got on one knee and told Elaine, "Hey you want to go do something fun?" She grabbed her hand.

Oh no. 

"But mama needs me to wait for her!" Elaine pouted.

"Don't worry kid women take a long time in the bathroom you know? You wouldn't understand it's lady business." Shartara pulled Elaine off the bench.

I called it. 

Frantically Reicheru jerked the bathroom door handle but the door wouldn't budge. She could see Shartara quickly lead Elaine away. "Elaine!" Reicheru screamed. "Don't do it come back! Come back! Don't trust her!!" She threw her body against the door over and over again. She kicked the door and felt around for something big, but nothing seemed hard enough to break the door. "Help!!!!" bloody tears of fear and pain dripped from her orange crush colored glass eyes.

It was like watching a horrible silent movie. She saw them looking at toys and having fudge fingers. Two figures walked up to them. One of them was Mew!

"Oh thank Kami..." Reicheru cried. "I can't believe it!" Another figure stood with Mew. It was... ...Reicheru?

We’ll probably have to wait a long time for the next chapter, so I’ll levae you guys here. Until next time!

~Kat

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

13 hilarious times people totally misheard the lyrics to a song

Arguably the best part about jamming out to some tunes is being able to scream the lyrics.

But some musicians really make you work for it. Chronic offenders of the Incomprehensible Lyrics Club include Patrick Stump, Elton John, and The 1975. 

We shouldn't place all the blame on our favorite artists, though — sometimes it's our own shitty ears that mishear a word or phrase. Even when we learn the right lyrics, it's already wormed and lodged itself into our brains, and nothing can ever stop you from singing "All the lonely Starbucks lovers" to Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" again. 

Some are Freudian slips. Some are just hilarious, distorted misunderstandings. Here are our favorites. 

1. Got the horses in the... hotel room? 

I love misheard lyrics pic.twitter.com/ki6kjXva30

— Alyssa DeHayes (@alyssadehayes) April 24, 2019

2. 🎵 FOOT, FOOTLOOSE, PICK UP YOUR FOOT FOOTLOSE 🎵 

me, who clearly doesn't know the lyrics to Footloose: FOOTLOOSE PET GOOSE PICKED A FIGHT WITH A MOOSE CHEESE STIFF BREEZE WATCH OUT, THERE ARE TEN BEES

— Pete Stewart (@Peter5tewart) September 16, 2018

3. Now that's one queen bee 🐝👑

https://setheverman.tumblr.com/post/157072276366/waterwltch-dancing-bees-young-and-sweet-only

4. This is the rhythm of the athletic footwear

5. What a shitty misunderstanding 

The meaning of “baby shark” changes dramatically if you sing “baby shart” instead. #ThingsToDoubleCheck #MyChildishBehaviors#MisheardLyrics Doo doo doo 💩 💩

— 🌈 𝐃𝐚𝐰𝐧 𝐄𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐚𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐡 🦄 (@barelyliterate) April 23, 2019

6. Well they got halfway close to the original lyric

Who doesn’t like starting Friday w a sing-a-long! #ccms #incredibleironmasters #MisheardLyrics Squidward on a chair??? pic.twitter.com/VnKhwQsVaz

— MrRohrbachCCMS (@Mike141Rohrbach) April 5, 2019

7. Fully-automated luxury space communism, here we come

#misheardlyrics my favourite misheard lyric is my mom thinking Hollaback Girl was "i ain't no Holodeck girl' .. and then goes on to logically explain how it is a sound Star Trek reference about holograms and womens rights

— Jude (like the Hey) Keefe 🌎🤘❣ (@judithjoy) February 9, 2019

8. What a tasty jam

My wife was playing Ariana Grande's 'thank u, next' this morning, and I was convinced the chorus went: "Bacon, eggs Bacon, eggs Bacon, eggs I'm so Fuckin Thankful For breakfast" I was like damnnnn I can get down to this, that shit tasty af. I was sad when I learned the truth :(

— Elvis The Alien (@ElvisTheAlienTV) November 5, 2018

9. Charlie Puth, known turtle aficionado

In “Attention” by Charlie Puth my friends and I heard “you’ve been runnin’ round runnin’ round runnin’ round throwin that turtle on my knee”🐢🐢#MisheardLyrics

— Emily Diehl (@realdiehl9) February 7, 2019

10. Just Ariana and her sword

I thought @ArianaGrande’s song said you can hit it in the morning, yeah yeah like a SWORD. I mean bored does rhyme with sword way better. Also thought damn he must be long and pointy. #misheardlyrics pic.twitter.com/bIaGWpZ8cV

— Troo (@tnkline) April 24, 2019

11. Witches! In! Space! 

In "Popular" in @WICKED_Musical, Elphaba says, "but of course I'll care for Nessa." Up until a few days ago, I used to think she always said, "but of course I'd care for @NASA" like she'd go there as an alternative for school... #misheardlyrics #wicked #theatre

— Rebekah (@Rebkah_life) April 19, 2019

12. Is the preacher working on the railroad, or? 

This is a rare pop song that contains a flute solo. One of the more misheard lyrics comes in the second verse of this song, as "You know the preacher likes the cold" is often mistaken as "the preacher lights the coals."https://t.co/Ubg8sUU94P

— Emotional Rescue (@AtomicPunk8) April 26, 2019

13. A true classic

Even if you don't remember the exact lyrics, always remember to sing with confidence. Nobody will tell Tony Danza if you sing "Tiny Dancer" as "Hold me closer, Tony Danza... " 

[recentnews18-blog]

New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/30-funny-tweets-about-being-an-uncle/

30 Funny Tweets About Being An Uncle

Uncles have it made. By virtue of being the siblings (or siblings-in-law) of people with kids, they get the chance to impress and have fun with adorable children without all the responsibility and hard work of parenting. 

While uncles sometimes get a bad rap (cue the crazy racist uncle trope), they’re not all looking to stir up trouble at Thanksgiving. With that in mind, here are 30 hilarious tweets about being an uncle. 

The great thing about being an uncle is being able to give the kid back when they start crying 👶🏽

— Rob Rolfe (@enterrob) November 10, 2015

It took a while, but I finally convinced my nephew that West Virginia is not a state. Being an uncle is hard work.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) November 26, 2009

I like being an uncle because there’s no such thing as a deadbeat uncle.

— Matt Nedostup (@nedostup) November 8, 2017

Shopping for kids for Christmas presents is so much fun but having a kid sounds like too much work so being an uncle is the perfect scenario! Glad my sister had a baby so i don’t have to!

— Ricky Dillon (@RickyPDillon) December 22, 2017

My 6 year old niece invites me to her tea party but I yell at her for not having English Breakfast or scones and *I’m* the bad guy.

— TheAlexNevil: Stupid Teenage Years, Part 2 (@TheAlexNevil) June 9, 2017

U know ur doing a great job as an uncle when ur 4 yr old nephew teaches all the other kids at playgroup the word “shart” *takes a bow*

— Daniel Brocklebank (@Dan_Brocklebank) January 17, 2017

Never was a brother or cousin — but unclehood looms, and so do lessons on wearing loud ties, talking with a full mouth, stealing a nose.

— Jeff Kleinman (@jeffkleinman) June 24, 2009

as an uncle I should probably resent that the uncle has become the go-to symbol for “dumb mean racist family member”

— Garrett Martin (@grmartin) December 5, 2016

Nothin like teaching your 3 1/2yr old nephew about the joys of a Whoopie Cushion and throwing a football in one night! Sweet Uncledom!

— Brandon Barash (@BrandonBarash) February 26, 2010

My 2-yr-old nephew learned to imitate laser beam sounds, a rite of childhood. Getting hit with a lot of imaginary beams, a rite of unclehood

— Matthew Pleasant (@matthewpleasant) January 24, 2014

I walked into American Girl to get a gift for my niece. I’ll be continuing my unclehood forever. #birthcontrol

— Jerry Blevins (@jerryblevins) August 25, 2015

I bet the best part about being an uncle is believing your email forwards will change the way people vote.

— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) May 17, 2012

I’m not a parent, but as an uncle I’ve learned that when a child is having a temper tantrum, it’s better to ignore him until he calms down.

— Dave Quinn (@NineDaves) January 28, 2017

Today I am forcing my nephews to watch my favorite movie, Seven Samurai, because even if you have a cool uncle, sometimes the price is enduring a 3+ hour subtitled black&white movie on vacation pic.twitter.com/jeOCDodh3M

— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) June 28, 2018

I’m not a father but I think I’ve at least managed to be a disappointment as an uncle.

— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) June 16, 2013

8yr old Niece: Uncle Will, what’s “Hyperbole” mean?

Me: Ugh… I’ve told you what it means a billion times already….

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) April 26, 2016

People need to stop making fun of Trump’s Space Force. I am all for this administration buying ideas from my 10 year old nephew Brandon.

— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) August 15, 2018

Men on tinder will literally post photos like these and still be like “THAT WOMAN IS MY SISTER AND THE KID IS MY NEPHEW CALM DOWN LADIES” pic.twitter.com/SqJrO8kjXQ

— Sam H. Escobar (@myhairisblue) July 16, 2017

Just got invited to my nephew’s preschool graduation. I’m actually thrilled he’s decided to finally do something positive with his life.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 5, 2012

I got my much-too-young nephew Grand Theft Auto for Christmas. Favorite Uncle 101.

— Trent (@BarstoolTrent) December 25, 2015

My 3 year old niece hit me in the balls, causing me to step on one of her Legos(barefoot)

…and you women think Childbirth “hurts”

— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) December 21, 2013

Just spent the last hour convincing my niece & nephew that Olaf was the real villain in Frozen, they won’t stop crying lol

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 7, 2016

Nephew’s hair got so blonde this summer it looks peroxided. He is getting it cut so kids won’t think he is punk. I have failed as an uncle.

— Jon Wurster (@jonwurster) July 14, 2014

I kind of miss the days when I could say, “Well, at least a baby’s never poohed on me.” #unclehood

— Sunny Dhillon (@TheSunnyDhillon) March 14, 2011

Nephew: What are you doing? Me: Paying taxes to the government Nephew: YOU MEAN FOR THEIR SUPER-SECRET EXPERIMENTS???

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 18, 2016

My niece, 4, has reached the age where she can mock her little brother when he cries. It’s cruel and, speaking as an uncle, hilarious.

— Matthew Pleasant (@matthewpleasant) April 24, 2013

Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.

— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) November 26, 2015

I feel like I’ve failed as an uncle. My nephew’s prefer console is XBONE. #sigh

— James Newburrie (@DifficultNerd) March 5, 2017

Think about it, my legacy as an uncle will be epic for a little more than the cost of my last iPad!

— Bob Egan (@bobegan) August 20, 2011

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/30-funny-uncle-tweets_us_5b5a10e7e4b0b15aba96b188