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softyoongiionly · 5 years

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Tea and Tourniquets-The Beginning ☕️

(GIF is not mine)

There is something living in the forest beyond your village, something evil, something ancient. The only known survivor of this evil is a reclusive healer by the name of Min Yoongi. Rumor has it though, that the herbalist hermit may, in fact, be the evil himself.

Summary: You were told never to venture into the forest after dark. Stories of people going missing and, an ancient darkness, keep most of your quaint village paralyzed with fear. However, after another disappearance, you decide to do the unthinkable and, search for the answers yourself.

The darkness is real…and it’s alive.

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Word Count: 15.5k

Genre: Supernatural au! Supernatural! Yoongi, his true identity will be revealed later on, Fantasy! Au, Tsundere! Yoongi, fluff, angst, smut throughout the story, slightly spooky

Warnings: slight spooky-ness? lmao thats not a word, references to death/dark themes, future smut, moderate angst

A/N okay so hello! I hope you guys are okay with getting this in two parts. I have the plot figured out but, I really felt it was best to release it in separate pieces. The second part may be just as long, or even longer, I’m not totally sure but, I truly truly hope you guys enjoy this! I’ve been working on it for months now. I love you guys <333

“A toast to our great explorers...Namjoon, Seokjin and, Jungkook, your commitment and bravery to our village is unparalleled, thank you for all that you have done and, all that you will do...here here!”

The booming voice of one of your village’s leader echoes off of the walls of the pub’s cozy interior and, the clinking of glasses soon follows.

Tonight, the village is celebrating the three men who have made it their mission to answer a question that has loomed over your world for centuries:

What lurked in the ancient forest?

Stories had been passed down through countless generations and, although, those stories have yet to be confirmed, the disappearances and deaths surrounding the forest, served as a warning to anyone who dared to breach the trees after sunset.

“I think we should revisit the Yoongi theory again, he’s our only clear source of information...”

The celebration had been in full swing for roughly an hour or so before, the men of the hour had made it over to the bar.

Seokjin smirks knowingly, glancing at Namjoon, “That’s very true Jungkook-ah, so we should go visit him then yes? Perhaps he will have time for an interview?”

Jungkook sputters on the bitter liquid in his glass, eyes wide and blinking owlishly at his elder brother, “Are you insane? If Yoongi is behind the curse, he is more evil and powerful than any of us could possibly imagine. My swordsmanship, as incredible as it is, would be no match for his powerful...sorcerer...demon...powers.”

The younger boy trails off as his uncertainty grows, causing the two other men to snicker in amusement.

“Kook, we have gathered no evidence that supports this theory. Yoongi has always been helpful to our people and, just because he’s figured out how to survive in the forest, doesn’t automatically mean he’s a demon...sorcerer or, whatever it is that you just said.”

Seokjin continues to snicker through Namjoon’s explanation and, Jungkook huffs, slumping back into his chair, his brown bunny eyes rolling in annoyance.

“Hyung, he’s got to be ancient by now, our elders remember stories about him as young children. Don’t you think it’s strange that he’s been around for so long? What if he’s...a vampire or something?”

At his comment, Seokjin and Namjoon burst out in a fit of belly laughter, holding onto each other through their fit. You giggle to yourself as you bend down to place a clean glass onto the shelf, shaking your head at their antics.

“A benevolent vampire who delivers medicine, free of charge, to a village of humans? Doesn’t sound like the type to senselessly murder by the hundreds...” Jin inquires as their laughter dies down, Jungkook retreating further into his seat, grumbling to himself.

“Leave him alone you two...” You admonish, a fond smirk still gracing your features as you continue to straighten up the bar, your three friends directing their gazes toward you.

“Yeah, leave me alone....” Jungkook mumbles, nudging his foot against Namjoon.

“We’re just trying to encourage him to be more logical Y/N, he’s new to our profession...it’s very easy to get carried away.” Namjoon smirks, still chuckling as he nudges Jungkook in return.

“Hyung, with all due respect, it’s hard to be logical when all the evidence points to something...otherworldly. Besides, has anyone in recent times seen Min Yoongi? How do we know it’s him dropping off the remedies, what if it’s one of his familiars or something?” Jungkook urges, eyes going wide once again as he leans towards Namjoon.

Jin brows raise, “Familiars? So is he a vampire or a witch?”

“Maybe, he’s a vampire...witch...” Jungkook insists, slitting his eyes toward Jin.

Namjoon snickers again, taking a sip of his whiskey before nodding to you, “Y/N hasn’t your grandfather encountered Yoongi? Can’t he vouch for his normalcy?”

Your grandfather had been your caretaker since you were around the age of 7. After the passing of your parents, he had vowed to raise you as his own. Although your grandfather claimed to be a logical man, he often gave in to the mythical side of life or, ‘teahouse tales’ as he fondly referred to it. He encouraged your curiosity but, he always warned you of breaching the trees after dusk. During the day however, the two of you had spent quite a bit of time in the forest. Your grandfather loved researching the flora and fauna of the region and, you often accompanied him on his days out. If you were ever to go on your own, he had a few rules that he urged you to follow.

1. Stay away from the blue frogs (they’re poisonous)

2. Remember to pack an extra change of clothes (a swim in the lake is impossible to resist)

3. Don’t eat ANY of the plants (especially the beautiful ones)

4. Be home before sunset

5. DON’T BOTHER YOONGI

Pretty simple. You rarely ventured into the forest alone and, if you did, there was never a time when you felt compelled to go very far. There was no guarantee you would make it back in time before sundown and, there were plenty of sights to indulge in right at the forest’s entrance. You understood the first four rules without explanation although, one day, your curiosity got the better of you and, you asked your grandfather why he had included Yoongi on the rule list:

“Yoongi is a...solitary type. He doesn’t take kindly to strangers and, it’s just...best if you let him be. His cottage is quite difficult to find anyhow but, even on the chance you should see it, you’d be wise not to approach it.”

“May I ask why?”

“Yoongi is a medicine man and, a good one at that but, no one really knows how he procures his remedies, especially without connections to the mainland. There are rumors that he may be practicing spellwork...”

“Spellwork? Is that legal?”

“Well...our region has always been more forgiving of benevolent spellwork but, still, you can never be too careful...”

“Have you ever encountered him before?”

“I have yes, he didn’t do me any harm but, he wasn’t the kindest fellow I’ve ever met...there was something strange about him though. He had a darkness of sorts, something lingering...it’s hard to explain. He didn’t say much, only asked that I keep away from his cottage. Strangely compelling actually, he put me in a bit of a trance but, that could be my old age talking...just promise me, you won’t go looking for him ok?”

“Ok, I promise.”

You turn to your friends, pouring Seokjin another drink, “Well, technically he’s only seen him once but, according to him Yoongi was pretty strange...maybe Jungkook is on to something...”

The responses cause Namjoon to groan whilst Jungkook simultaneously lights up, “See? Pretty strange, we have an eyewitness, from a reliable source, stating that Yoongi was strange...how’s that for evidence hyung?”

“Lacking, severely lacking.” Namjoon answers immediately, “Yoongi is a man who chooses to live alone, in a forest that is notoriously known for being haunted...of course he’s going to be strange. Not to mention the fact that no one really knows how old he is so, his age could also play a factor in his behavior...”

Jin nods thoughtfully, smirking at Jungkook as he once again deflates into his seat, “I think we’re dancing around the inevitable here...”

“Which is?” Namjoon glances in his direction, annoyance starting creep into his features.

Namjoon is not a fan of the fantastical and, rarely makes time for conversations surrounding these topics.

“Jungkook may be right...”

“Hyung…” Namjoon begins as Jungkook perks up, a jovial smile appearing on his face.

“Right now, he is one of our theories yes?” Jin explains further, amused at the chaos his suggestion caused

“He is not, I’ve just explained why its highly unlike_” Namjoon dismisses but, Jin cuts him off and continues.

“Unlikely, Namjoon, not impossible...” Jin sends a pointed look his way and, you’re quite surprised considering the fact that Jin isn’t known for his serious nature. “Yoongi is the only man who may have some insight into what happens in those trees and, as far as I know, he has been serving our village for years, there is no real threat in paying him a visit. I meant what I said earlier…we need to speak with him.”

“Hyung, with all due respect, the threat isn’t Yoongi himself but, the journey…we don’t know where he resides, he could live miles and miles into the forest…what if we were unable to make it back before sundown?” Namjoon insists, wise eyes pleading with Jin to see his point of view.

A pang of fear hits your chest at the thought of your friends being lost to the clutches of the forest, you decide to speak up once again, urging them away from dangerous choices, “You could always wait at the Archway, his remedies appear there every week, my grandfather believes he delivers in the middle of the night, to avoid being seen…”

The three of them regard one another for a moment before, Namjoon reluctantly nods, his lips pursed in an attempt to release the tension in his face, “That’s…not a bad idea actually…”

“The Archway is in plain sight at the edge of the forest, it would allow us a safe space for interacting with him…or whoever happens to show up.” Jin points out, nodding to Jungkook, the smirk reappearing on his face, “Maybe the kid should sit this one out…”

Jungkook’s feathers are thoroughly ruffled as he sits up straighter in his seat, attempting to mask the obvious fear on his face, “What? No, Hyung…I’m ready, I promise, I’ve been training every day, I could take down anyone that comes through that archway…”

Namjoon chuckles, some of his frustration starting to dissipate, “We don’t want to take down our witness before we’ve spoken to him Kook…”

“Well, when we need to…I’m ready; I have your backs…” Jungkook vows, determination ringing clear in his innocent tone, his hyungs both smiling fondly in return.

“That’s good to know, we’ll need a strong man on our side…especially since, you know, Yoongi is an evil vampire witch…” Jin retorts, holding in his laughter

“Exactly!” Jungkook agrees enthusiastically, smiling at his hyung’s decision to accept his theory.

His reaction causes the three of you to laugh, gratitude heavy in your hearts for the small bit of innocence still left in your village.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following morning you awake just on the crest of sunrise. Washed out light teases the edges of your window, casting a square shadow on the wall opposite you. It was a peaceful night’s rest, a rarity in these times so; you pull the blankets over you to shield yourself against the cold. You are currently resisting the temptation to slip back into the warm embrace of slumber until the shattering of glass jolts your body upright.

“Grandpa?? Are you ok?” The shaky call of your voice wobbled in your throat and, you nearly slip on the wooden floor as you scramble out of your bedroom.

“Grandpa!?” Your tone increases in it’s urgency as you frantically scan the den, seeing nothing out of the ordinary.

“Back here!” There’s nothing out of order in his tone but, that doesn’t stop you from hastily shoving open the heavy wooden door that lead to your back-garden.

Your grandfather’s hearty laughter greets you as you stumble onto the patch of grass which was barely hanging on for dear life.

“Good morning!” He chirps, looking up from the floor that’s currently covered in glass.

“Are you alright? I heard…a noise and…” You’re slightly out of breath, your chest recovering from the tightness it had just endured.

Your grandfather snickers and shakes his head at you, reaching for the wooden broom leaning against the side of the house.

He’s tinkering again.

“Did I wake you?” He murmurs, amusement coloring his tone as he sweeps up his mess

“No but, you almost gave me a heart attack, I thought you fell…and, what did I tell you about conducting your experiments without proper lighting? You’re going to get hurt…again.” You grumble, finally feeling yourself calm down as he snickers again.

“Alchemists get hurt all the time, Y/N, nothing to ruffle your feathers about…” He chuffs, smirking fondly at you as he scoops the glass into his mixing bowl, his brow furrowing in thought as he likely is thinking of ways to use the newly shattered beaker in his concoction.

Your grandfather practiced alchemy which essentially meant that he spent day after day trying to turn things into gold: a dangerous and wildly unsuccessful hobby.

“Yes but, you’re archaic and, if anything ever happened to you, I would be a wreck…” You bite back, returning his smirk as you size up the possibly lethal mixture.

He pulls back in mock offense, eyes widening in playful horror, “Archaic?! I don’t look a day over 25, I’ve never felt better!”

“That may be so but, you were badly hurt last summer weren’t you? And you couldn’t get out of bed for a month and, since I was the one worried sick about you, I have every reason to get my feathers ruffled…”

Your grandfather chuckles, nodding in surrender, his fingers stalling on the edge of his mixing bowl “Alright, alright, I concede; I’ll try and be more careful.”

Eyes narrowing in his direction, you nod, attempting to look firm as you adjust your dressing gown.

“Thank you.”

Suddenly, a large horn asserted itself into the atmosphere around you. The sound sends a sinking feeling into your stomach and, your grandfather’s playful gaze turns to one of pure horror.

“No…not again…” He whispers as you pull a shaky breath through your nose, gesturing for him to come inside.

----------------------------------------

BANG.

A gavel near the front of the room slams down onto the cherrywood of the council desk, sending a jolt of panic through your chest.

“Be silent! We will accomplish nothing with all of you quarreling at once!”

The council sits at the head of your villages Home Room, the five of them clearly frightened and frazzled. The people of your village had gathered in wake of the horn, most of which were still in their bed clothes. At the sound of the gavel, the room settles but, the thick and unyielding tension still hangs in the air.

“Tayeon has been taken by the forest.” One of your council members delivers the news with a solemn expression, their face stiffening as the crowd reacts.

The announcement takes your breath away, your hand clutching Jin’s, who is currently sitting beside you, a solemn look on his face. His long fingers tangle with yours as he pulls a deep breath through his nose, attempting to mask the fear in his heart.

Tayeon was a young boy, not yet surpassing his 7th birthday. You knew him well, he was a gentle soul, always giving to others, placing freshly baked bread outside of people’s homes in the morning and tending to the weeds of the elderly. Any good deed he could manage, Tayeon would accomplish.

And now, he was gone.

Vanished.

Just like that.

Tears sting at the corners of your eyes but, you manage to hold it together, clutching Jin’s hand tighter as the council members continued to elaborate on the most recent disappearance.

“His family states that he was sound asleep in his chambers and, when they awoke this morning, he was gone…”

It was then, that you spot Tayeon’s family; both of his fathers are huddled together on a bench near the front of the room, Tayeon’s older sister, Minerva, consoling them as they wept.

“How are we to know that it was the forest? What if he wandered off elsewhere?” A young man chimes in, you recognize him as Chanyeol, a young blacksmith from the center of your village.

“The forest glows this morning does it not? That is your answer.” Namjoon is on the council this year and, his usual sunny disposition is replaced with stoicism, his jaw clenched as he responds to the inquiry.

The forest was usually clouded in darkness, particularly at night however, following a disappearance, the space between the trees glows a dim ruby color and, occasionally you will see a faint violet light darting through the branches; this phenomena has yet to be understood. The entirety of the forest glows through the day and, the sun never rises high enough to constitute a full sunrise and, your village usually spends the day indoors, the light not sufficient enough to complete its usual routine. Livestock are brought inside, shops close down and, the kitchen serves only porridge for breakfast and, rice for dinner. It felt appropriate however, the sun shouldn’t shine over a mourning village, it’s too intrusive.

“I am no longer going to stand idly by as another one of our people vanishes. The answer is obvious, the only person living in that forest is Min Yoongi therefore, he is our prime suspect. Upon the rising of tomorrow’s sun, we must summon him for trial. He must face justice!”

“But, Yoongi has been an asset to our community for years and, his remedies have saved far more lives than, have been lost.”

“We have never had extended contact with him, we know nothing of his intentions, don’t you think it’s odd that he drops off his remedies and, refuses to interact with our people? How is he getting knowledge of our ailments?”

“Exactly, he either has a spy on the inside or he is obtaining his information through unorthodox means…he could be a spellworker”

“So what if he is? As far as I’m concerned, he is using his talents for good.”

“Good? Do you suggest that the disappearances of our people are a good thing?”

The bickering between the council members continue and, you find yourself shrinking into your seat as the volume of their encounter seems to grow. Tension rises in the crowd as well and, as more and more people join the conversation, the room erupts into chaos. Arguments are breaking out left and right regarding whether or not the village should arraign Yoongi and, just before the interactions incite a riot, your grandfather stands, his voice bellowing out into the crowd.

“I have encountered Min Yoongi…” He announces, causing the storm of chaos to slow to a mere murmur, dozens of eyes darting towards your grandfather.

“Mr. Y/L/N, with all due respect, several of our senior councilmembers have encountered Min Yoongi. Due to their unpleasant experiences, we only have further reason to believe in his wickedness. Now as we were saying_”

“He saved my life.” Your grandfather chimes in again, slightly clouded eyes shooting a determined glance towards the council, his chest puffing out slightly.

Namjoon’s brows furrow at his announcement, deciding to speak up for the first time since the council began arguing, “He…he saved your life? Would mind elaborating Mr. Y/L/N?”

Your grandfather clears his throat, glancing at you momentarily before continuing.

“When I was a young boy, I wandered into the trees…” A hushed gasp falls over the crowd as your grandfather tells his story, “I was searching for lavender and, at the time, it grew in tremendous amounts along the river…I wasn’t a great swimmer you see. I fell in and, Yoongi saved me. I’m not sure how he managed, as he was a slight man but, he did. He seemed to conjure the tides of the river to pull me ashore. I’ll admit, he was brash and left very little room for questioning but, he saw to it that I return to the borderline, safe and sound. As we parted ways, he warned me against returning to the forest and, told me to stay away from his cottage, should I ever find it…”

“And did you…ever find it?” Namjoon inquires again, the entire room completely still as they await the conclusion of your grandfather’s story.

He sighs then, hesitating a moment before nodding, “Curiosity is an illness I frequently suffer from…I went back the following week in search of his home. I wanted to express my gratitude…the journey took me half a day, I think, if I remember correctly, but, I finally came across a small cottage nestled inside several massive dead trees. There were no security measures, no gate, no padlock, not even a guard dog. He was completely vulnerable to the outside elements…he came out as soon as I approached his home and, scolded me for disobeying him, he did accept my token of gratitude however…a large bag of coffee beans that I had procured from a merchant near the edge of town. He was strange; there was something…awry about him. I remember feeling very tired as he was speaking to me, he spoke a language I did not recognize and, the next thing I knew, I woke up at the borderline, completely alone.”

Whispers fall over the room once again and, the people gathered in the home room glance earnestly at one another. One of the council members nod to your grandfather,

“Would you be willing pay him another visit Mr. Y/L/N? We believe he …”

Alarm signals deep within your stomach, your head whipping to the front of the room and, then quickly over to your grandfather, “No, no absolutely not…he cannot make the journey himself…he wouldn’t make it back in time…”

All eyes turn to you and, your grandfather attempts to placate you, patting your arm gently, “Y/N, it’s ok, please, I’m willing to make the journey if it means our people may finally have peace. I will leave at first light…”

Namjoon, Jungkook and, Jin share your concern and, Namjoon attempts to reason with his council members, “Y/N is right, he shouldn’t go alone, there is no reason for that…”

“Yoongi is an unpredictable creature…he knows Mr. Y/L/N and, according to his story, has been quite useful in the past, if we send a search party after him, he may feel threatened.”

You shake your head again, stepping front of your grandfather, as if to shield him from their judgement, your heart hammering in your chest, “Please, there has to be another way, he can wait for Yoongi near the Archway, he can_”

“Y/N please...settle down.” Your grandfather admonishes gently and, you feel frustration heating your cheeks whilst a lump forms in your throat.

“It’s settled then, Mr. Y/L/N will find out where this Min Yoongi dwells and, attempt to gain insight into our cursed land, we thank you for your bravery…”

The gavel jolts the entirety of the room and, with that; your world comes crumbling down.

------------------------------------------------------------------

You’d be damned if the cowardly council-members sent your grandfather in the forest alone. No, if anyone was going to go, it would be you. You were willing to lay your life on the line to ensure your grandfather’s safety, he was all you had. After waiting until your village had fallen asleep, you packed yourself a small bag and, left. No looking back, you were capable of surviving; your grandfather had taught you all the necessary skills you would need.

The darkness of the forest however, proved to be much greater than you could have estimated and, half way into your journey, you began to grow increasingly uncomfortable.

Something didn’t feel right. You felt like you were being watched or, worse, followed. The hair on the back of your neck stood at attention. The lump in your throat continued to grow as you focused all your attention on the path in front of you. You had found a crudely drawn map done by your grandfather that supposedly lead to Yoongi’s cottage and, had taken it when you left hastily in the middle of the night.

Halfway there.

A crack sounded behind you. It was subtle but, distinct, sounding very much like the splitting of wood. A step, perhaps. Your heart threw itself continuously against your sternum over and over, louder and louder until you felt your head pounding. You adjusted the bag on your shoulder, your feet picking up subtly underneath you, your eyes zeroing toward your intended direction.

Suddenly, the rustling of leaves could be heard behind you along with the familiar crack you had heard moments ago. The noise causes your head to whip around in its direction only to be met with the familiar, haunting scene of the forest.

It’s an animal. Stop being so paranoid.

The wind had been twirling through the trees for quite some time but, at this moment it began to pick up its dance, causing the trees to ache and groan around you. The chill creeps its way through the thin material of your sweater as your arms curl into your chest, desperately trying to keep warm. You shouldn’t be here. You knew what it meant by making the journey into this part of your world and, you felt foolish that you had ignored the warnings of your people.

Just focus, don’t lose sight of what’s in front of you.

The sounds of the forest began to grow around you, like a sinister symphony, the pitch rising higher and higher as you were drawn deeper into its music. You carefully tug the hood of your sweater over your ears, which you were surprised hadn’t succumbed to frost bite. Out of the corner of your eye, you see a movement that stops you in your tracks. Blackness is rising from the forest ground, morphing and twisting into a shape that is twice your height, and half your width. A figure stands still momentarily, long arms like tree branches extending from its body as it seems to regard you from across the forest. All of the blood from your face drains; your heart halts its assault against your sternum as you stand, frozen in horror.

Your hand moves slowly towards your bag, attempting to retrieve your dagger. Eyes squinted, you keep an eye on the figure, trying to understand its form: Diamond-shaped body, upright with long spindly legs and arms to match, faceless until you catch a glimpse of something that makes your stomach turn. Insidious and arrogant, the figures blank face splits into a wide, toothy grin, the entirety of it nearly reaching either side of its head.

Before you can take your next breath, the figure breaks out into a run, smiling all the while as it races toward you. You fall back, hands desperately trying to rip open your pack, frantically trying to defend yourself. Tears sting your eyes as the terror of your situation overwhelms you, you get ahold of the dagger, handing shaking as you hold it in front of you. The attempt is pointless and, you know it. Whatever this is, isn’t human and, it’s intentions were quite clear. You felt frozen, helpless, you screamed out in desperation but, to no avail.

You were going to die.

A flash of brilliant violet light illuminates the forest, blinding you momentarily, your hand coming up to shield your eyes. Everything happens so quickly, the creature that was pursuing you lets out a strangled scream when a wave of energy pulses through the forest. It’s powerful and knocks you completely on your back, haziness beginning to creep into your vision. Dazed, you lay on the forest floor as your eyes grow heavier and heavier, sensations of pain moving throughout your body. You hear a faint sound of leaves crunching as something seems to approach you. The darkness overtaking your vision prevents you from seeing anything beyond a figure, thankfully human, looming over you.

“Foolish human, what on earth have you done?”

With that, everything goes black.

---------------------------------------------------

The sound of bubbling is the first thing that teases your conscience back to life. As to the source of the sound, you’re still unsure but, it’s not the worst way you’ve ever been woken up.

Wait…woken up.

Are you waking up?

Did you die?

You don’t remember falling asleep the night before and, you’re beginning to grow restless behind the darkness of your eyelids.

There is a faint sensation of pain winding around one of your feet and, you feel a very uncomfortable stinging across the right side of your ribs.

“After all this time, humans are still insufferable creatures Meow, the only species who has managed to stall the evolutionary cycle…such a shame.”

The voice is unfamiliar, crisp and condescending, it frightens you.

“Human, your sleep cycle concluded 27 minutes ago…it’s time to wake up…”

Human? Why is the voice referring to you as human…

Your eyes pop open, a warm yellow light greets you along with a myriad of other images that you’re too disorientated to discern.

The surface beneath you is a soft cotton fabric, looking very similar to a cot and, you finally gather that you’re in some sort of cottage. There is a figure standing behind a counter watching you, however you can’t yet make out the specifics of it.

With your vision slightly blurred you attempt to rise from your horizontal position but, the searing pain in your ribs keeps you from doing so.

“The venom has yet to take hold of your ribs so, I would advise against sudden movements for the next 17 minutes…”

Your heart drops, “V..venom? What venom? What did you do to me?”

The figure scoffs, “I saved your life…”

The blur in vision begins to lessen and, after a few strong blinks you start to make out the image of the figure behind the counter.

It was a man. Dressed in a black peasant blouse, his hands are braced against the counter; dark, almost feline eyes regard you earnestly from across the room, a scowl prominent in his features. He wasn’t difficult to look at but, the context of the current situation was preventing you from fully appreciating just how beautiful he was.

“You saved my life by injecting me with venom? That seems rather counterproductive...” You bite back, nervousness hidden behind your tone as you awkwardly attempt to turn towards him.

The movements prove to mildly successful as you finally prop yourself up on the side of your ribs that aren’t marred by discomfort.

“The specifics of the procedure are irrelevant, although I didn’t inject you with anything...” The man corrects, rolling his eyes as he does, as if your statement was ridiculous.

You’re frustrated with your lack of clarity and, you can’t help the budding panic, forming at the bottom of your throat.

“Where am I?”

“Somewhere you’re not meant to be...” He quips, annoyance coloring his pointy features as he scans your face, “your loss of memory isn’t surprising due to your injuries and, the impact from my spell...” He sighs as your confusion doesn’t seem to wane, slowly moving to step around to the front of the counter, “What’s the last thing you remember?”

A deep breath is drawn through your nose as you frantically search your brain for answers. You remember entering the woods, the trees, the darkness, the fear...

Oh god.

You gasp then, eyes darting towards the stranger who was currently scooping, what looked like syrup into a turquoise bowl, “the creature...the smile, it...attacked me.”

The man snorts, shaking his head, “If it had attacked you, you would be dead right now...”

“I’m not entirely sure that I’m not...” You counter, wiping a hand over your face.

You take in more of your surroundings as the fog in your mind begins to lift. A large, shelved apothecary cabinet took up the entirety of wall opposite you. Clear blue bottles of varying sizes lined the shelves, along with a potted plants that seemed to be overflowing down the length of the cabinet. The walls were made of grey and black stone and, stretched into a tall ceiling that seemed to be entirely covered in greenery. The counter the man worked at was littered with evidence of what had happened the night before: various herbs and tonics were uncapped and, a clump of bloody gauze was hanging out of the sink. To your left, another wall, paired with an archway and hundreds of books, led to what you presumed was the rest of the cottage.

“Maybe this will jog your memory...” The man nearly hisses his declaration, seemingly threatened by your curious gaze. He held up a scrap of paper and, although you had to squint to read it, you could distinctly see that it was your grandfather’s crudely drawn map to Yoongi’s cottage.

Oh…

“Yoongi?” You venture, feeling slightly threatened yourself.

Yoongi’s feline like eyes, dark and almost menacing, glare at you from across the room.

“You are a foolish girl, entering the forest past sundown, journeying into its depths...to find me. Have I not made it clear to your people that I am to be left alone?” Yoongi’s tone grows more and more frustrated and, you could sense what your grandfather meant by his lingering darkness. The wild mass of black hair on his head, his sharp features, his eyes look incredibly dark and, there seem to something peeking out from underneath his top lip, something you hadn’t noticed, they looked like fangs?

“I’m...I’m sorry…listen, please, I didn’t want to disturb you but, a young boy disappeared from my village and, my people, they...tried to send my grandfather to find you, you’re the only one who can withstand the forest.” You’re not much for groveling but, there’s a pretty sizeable chance that Yoongi isn’t human and, you aren’t trying to press your luck.

His hardened gaze falters slightly, “You went in his place?”

You nod, wishing desperately that you were able to sit up fully, awkwardly shifting your weight to the side again, “He wouldn’t have made it...they insisted on sending him alone...”

“And you wouldn’t have made it either, you’re lucky I was out making my deliveries, or you would be enduring a slow, agonizing death...” He admonishes before, he turns to make his way over to you. You tense then, shrinking back into the cot, he notices your hesitation and scoffs, rolling his eyes.

“If I wanted to hurt you, I would have left you to the creatures...I need to treat your wound, my venom will only heal the superficial cut, and it won’t prevent infection…” His irritation lessens, likely sensing your fear before nodding to your sweater.

My venom?

You hesitate for a moment. There is no reason to trust Yoongi, he is a stranger who, so far, hasn’t been very kind to you however, he did save your life and, you suppose that’s enough to trust him…for now.

A sigh leaves your nose as you move to lift up the white wool which, you could now see was decorated with splotches of your blood.

Yoongi kneels down beside you, collecting the sticky golden substance on the tips of his fingers and, slowly spreading it across the surface of your wound. His movements were surprisingly gently and, for some unknown reason, goosebumps erupted across the back of your arms.

“What happened to my ribs anyway? I only remember falling backwards….”

Yoongi is careful to avoid eye contact with you as his fingers work the honey over your skin, ignoring his own chaotic thoughts.

“The method I used for killing that creature…some of the material hit you and, cut your skin…” He keeps his answer as vague as possible, hurrying with his application before laying down another piece of gauze over the wound.

Your brow furrows, eyes flitting to his fingers, “What method did you use?”

Yoongi sighs, his jaw tightening slightly, “You ask a lot of questions.”

“Well, I came here for answers …” You retort, feeling frustrated by the lack of information he was willing to give.

Yoongi’s eyes darken with annoyance once again, pulling away from you as he finishes up, his expression hardening, “You are not entitled to answers. I saved your life; I don’t believe I owe you or your people anything else…”

His words perturb you and, you have to fight the urge to confront him as anger begins to bubble up inside of you.

“Yoongi, my people are growing restless, this is the 8th disappearance in two years…they won’t stop until they find answers…it’s what lures them back into the forest. “ You plead with him as he turns his back to you, beginning to clean up his work station, screwing the cap onto his bottle of honey.

“Your people have been warned on countless occasions, if they refuse to listen then, that’s not my burden to bear.” Yoongi insists, shrugging his shoulders as he places a few bottles back onto his massive shelf, “I advise you to stay here for a few days to allow for your body to heal but, after that you will be returning to your village. Until then, I ask that you leave me alone unless, you are in need of something…”

Your irritation with him increases as his brash responses continue, “I have to stay here for a few because of a cut?”

Yoongi turns back to you momentarily, “Your foot is injured as well but, if you think you can make the journey back yourself, by all means, be my guest…”

Looking towards your foot, you wiggle your toes, feeling a slight sensation of pain as you do.

“What happened to my foot?”

“You tore your anterior talofibular ligament…it happened when you fell.” His back is to you again as he arranges the bottles in a neater fashion, his tone one of disinterest.

“My anteater tylo what?” You press, shaking your head at his behavior.

He snorts at your pronunciation, a slight smirk threatening his mouth, “Your anterior talofibular ligament is a flat triangular band of fibers, that extends obliquely downward and lateralward between the adjacent margins of the tibia and fibula, on the front aspect of the syndesmosis…”

Your mouth hangs open as he delivers his explanation, frantically looking toward your foot in an attempt to make sense of what he was saying.

“That was wildly unhelpful…”

Yoongi turns back toward you, his sharp features unimpressed by your response.

“My healing of such a ligament should be considered more than helpful…”

“Am I able to walk with this injury?” You inquire, brows rising, mirroring his unamused expression.

He shrugs, “With minor discomfort, yes…”

A hand comes up with your question as Yoongi leans against the countertop, “…then why can’t I leave?”

“You are free to do as you wish however, if you leave now, you will die.” He explains, far too casually given the content of his sentence.

The sunlight shining through the window makes his statement even more perplexing and, you gesture to it as you respond, “What why? It’s the middle of the day?”

Yoongi’s lips quirk up, a smirk still threatening his mouth as he notices the irritation in your tone.

“Death can occur regardless of the time of day.”

You huff, eyes rolling in incredulity, still fighting the urge to raise your voice, “…yes I’m aware of how death works but, I thought your little light show got rid of that thing.”

“Sonum Aquarum.” He corrects you immediately as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“What?”

“It’s not a light show, it’s an aqueous blast of energy and, it requires hundreds of years of training. Also…” He stretches slightly, face turned up with arrogance and, you try to ignore the way his peasant blouse opens up to expose the pale skin of his chest. “…my blast killed that one creature. It did not eradicate their species. There are still thousands of them and, you are more vulnerable than you were last night, there would be no chance of you making it to the border before sundown and, I refuse to tell you the way back until, I’m sure that you’re ready.”

A defeated sigh leaves your lips then, realizing that until Yoongi was willing to take you back, you were stuck with him. The rumors made sense now, he was insufferable.

“Fine.” You surrender, trying to make yourself comfy on the cot, feeling capable of sitting up now that the pain in your ribs had subsided slightly.

Yoongi smirks then, feeling victorious that you had finally halted your questioning.

“You can make yourself comfortable down here. I will prepare meals for you twice a day but, there are fruits and vegetables in the garden should you get hungry, I can show you later. The bathroom is through this archway,” He gestures to the archway beside you that was filled with books, “and around the corner. My bedroom is upstairs; you are not permitted up there under any circumstances. I will be out during a few evenings to…”

He pauses then, cat eyes darting from side to side as he searches for the right word.

You smirk, raising your brows, “To?”

He rolls his eyes at your smirk, looking slightly uncomfortable as he continues, “Nevermind, don’t worry about it, just stay downstairs while you’re here and, touch as little as you can, I don’t want you messing things up…”

“Understood. I’ll stay out of your way…”

He eyes you suspiciously, desiring to question why you weren’t trying to argue but, he decides to drop it as he nods to the archway again, “There is a place for you to sleep through here, there is a fire burning most nights so, please be careful not to fall inside.”

“Is roasted human not your thing?” You quip, leaning back against the wall, already dreading the thought of being trapped in Yoongi’s presence.

There is something dark that flashes over his face for a moment and, for the first time since you spoke with him, you felt yourself growing slightly afraid of him. He smirks as he tilts his head slightly to the right and, when he does; you confirm that he possesses a pair of fangs.

“Human meat is too tough with very little pay off, I prefer the taste of their soul, it’s much sweeter…”

His words send a shiver down your spine, your lips pursing in an attempt to hide your obvious reaction to him. However, he can already pick up on the increase in your heartrate and, the change in your body’s chemistry, the knowledge pleases him.

“You’re a demon then? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” You challenge him, not wanting to display any signs of weakness.

“You asked me a question and, I responded. Now,” He averts his gaze, a satisfied smirk still lingering on his mouth as he looks up towards the ceiling, “…entertaining you has been thoroughly exhausting so, I’ll be retiring to my room for the day, there’s a plate of food in the other room, eat it..”

You roll your eyes, feeling extremely frustrated with his attitude but, the last few moments of conversation have advised you against testing Yoongi’s patience, for the time being at least.

“Sweet dreams.” You force a fake smile onto your face, something Yoongi can clearly sense, his face turning up in disgust.

“Mm.” He hums, unimpressed by your comment before, turning to head out of the apothecary, “…don’t touch anything.”

You shoot a thumbs up his way, wincing slightly as dull pain radiates in your ribs, still sporting your fake smile.

He rolls his eyes for the thousandth time before striding out of the room, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

“Don’t touch anything…” You mutter to yourself, bitterness prominent in your tone.

“What’s that?” Yoongi calls from the other room, his voice halfway up the staircase.

How the hell did he hear you?

“I’m just committing your orders to memory your majesty…” You call back, trying to appear nonchalant.

“Well, do it quietly then…” You can hear the bite in his voice but, given that he is in the other

room; you miss the smirk plastered on his face.

You roll your eyes, leaning against the stone wall, wishing desperately that you were home in your bed, listening to the sounds of your grandfather tinkering in your back garden.

A pang of worry rushes through you; your village likely thinks that you’re gone: taken by the forest, never to be seen again. You shudder at the thought, pleading with the powers that be that none of them come looking for you.

There were a million questions running around your head at the moment. Yoongi wasn’t much help in explaining what had happened to you but, there were two things you knew for sure:

1. There was something evil in the forest, something real and tangible

2. Yoongi wasn’t human.

An uneasy feeling asserts itself into your stomach…

He said quite a few things that unnerved you: the bit about his venom, the mention of eating human meat, and liking the taste of human souls? Was he just messing with you? Was he serious? Should you wait long enough to find out?

He did save your life. Why would he save your life if he was planning on harming you?

Unless, well, he was planning on eating you?

Fuck...what if he was planning on eating you?

A shiver runs through your spine and, while the fantastical side of your brain really wants to run with the idea that Yoongi is some sort of monster, the logical side reminds you that not only did he save your life but, he saved your grandfather’s as well. You didn't like the idea of placing your fate into a stranger but, right now, that was your only option.

With an audible sigh, you decide to hoist yourself up, carefully, because you’re still very sore. You scan the wall full of bookshelves, your brain going fuzzy as it catches a glimpse of a few of the titles, some you recognize but, some appear to be in various other languages. There were so many of them adorning the shelves, you couldn’t imagine anyone finishing all of the titles in their lifetime. Yoongi was known to be solitary however so, maybe all of his free time was divided evenly amongst healing, reading and, being creepy.

Makes sense.

Yoongi’s den is quaint and, if you were under different circumstances, you might actually think it was cozy. A sizeable, black, L-shaped sofa takes up most of the space in front of the massive and somewhat intimidating fireplace. Yoongi was right to warn you about falling in, the gray cobblestone structure stretches a third of the way up the extremely high ceiling, the crackling fire doing its job as it warms the entirety of the room. There are very few decorations apart from side tables positioned at either end of the couch both of which are carved from marble. There is a crème colored woven blanket thrown over the sofa as well as a few pieces of art that looked both expensive and imported. You wonder briefly about how Yoongi manages to afford marble and, expensive artwork but, given that he is likely a DEMON you decide that it’s not all that strange.

You meander around the sofa, taking small careful steps to avoid causing yourself any pain. There is a cozy spot in the corner of the couch that’s calling your name and, although you’re quite sure that you slept a few hours through the night, you could feel your lids growing heavy once more.

The last 24 hours had been exhausting.

Pulling the throw blanket off of the corner of the sofa, you snuggle against the plush cushions beneath you.

Demon or not, the man had great taste in furniture.

It doesn’t take long for the exhaustion to take over and, before you know it, you’re drifting off into a deep sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Meow, move out of my way, I’m going whether you like it or not. Your boredom is not my problem…” The rasp of Yoongi’s voice is simmering just above your consciousness and, you feel yourself being slowly drawn out of your nap.

As your eyelids flutter open, vision still hazy from your slumber, you panic slightly as you realize the room is pitch black.

“Y…Yoongi? Is that you?” The voice that leaves your mouth is shaky and thick, your vocal chords clearly not ready for speaking yet.

A deep sigh as let out from the figure in question before you hear the sound of snapping. At the conclusion of the sound, the entirety of the room is light up with a least 4 dozen candles lining every bit of free space in Yoongi’s den.

You spot him near the door of his cottage, dressed in a black hooded cloak, an unamused expression on his face.

“Obviously it’s me, who else would it be? Why are you awake?” He grumbles, black hair sticking up in all different directions.

“Wait…how did you?” You whip your head around, amazement obvious in your features, “How did you do that?”

He rolls his eyes, ignoring your question, “Why are you awake?” You sit up, wincing slightly at the dull ache all over your body, his words causing your irritation to flare up, “Your voice woke me up and, I took a nap in the middle of the day, how long did you expect me to sleep for?”

Yoongi’s face turns up, a mixture of shock and, amazement painting his cat-like features, his brows knitted together in scrutiny, “What do you mean, my voice woke you up?”

“I heard you talking to your cat,” You explain, matter of factly, adjusting the sleeves of your sweater, wishing desperately that you had a different change of clothes, “Or I assumed it was your cat, unless someone else is here…”

Yoongi’s pale face turns practically translucent, he rushes over to the arm of the couch, peering at you curiously, “I wasn’t…how did you hear me? Who are you? Did someone send you here?”

Yoongi’s sudden interrogation alarms you and, it causes you shrink away from him slightly, “What? No? I told you why I was here, no one sent me…why are you freaking out?”

Yoongi’s mouth opens and then closes it, his brain currently in full panic mode. In the midst of his crisis, a fairly sizeable black cat jumps effortlessly onto the arm of the couch. It perches in front of Yoongi, wide golden eyes boring into your very soul, an almost knowing look in its gaze.

An uneasy feeling stirs in your stomach as you stare back into the cat’s eyes but, you point it out none the less, trying to ease Yoongi’s sudden nervousness, “This is your cat right? I heard you talking to them this morning too, it’s not a big deal, I’m a really light sleeper, I wake up at the drop of a pin…”

Your words only increase his panic and, his wide eyes glance towards the cat and, then back at you, his body language stiffening, “You…you can see him?”

You can’t help the laugh that comes from your mouth, “The giant cat sitting in front of you? Of course I can see him, are you feeling ok? Do you need a nap or something?”

The cat’s eyes seem to glisten with amusement but, you do your best to avoid it’s gaze, something about it or him, as Yoongi had mentioned, was slightly off.

“Who are you?” There’s acid dripping from his tone and, it frightens you, so much so that, you scoot further into the sofa cushions, your hands coming up in defense.

“I’m Y/N? Do you not remember me? We spoke this morning? You saved my life?” You venture, the perplexity of the situation increasing your heartbeat.

“I’m not suffering from memory loss human…tell me who you really are…”

You hadn’t been close enough to him to really notice the color of his eyes but, you’re fairly certain that if they were as black as they are now, you would have noticed.

Before Yoongi can speak again, his cat lets out a menacing hiss, its golden eyes narrowed in aggression. You flinch at the sound before you realize that the hiss wasn’t directed towards you, it was directed towards Yoongi.

His eyes widen at the sound and he steps back, “What? Don’t give me that look, she’s obviously not who she says she is…”

He’s talking to the cat as if the cat had the ability to understand him and, you wait on bated breath as Meow seems to stare intently into Yoongi’s eyes.

A wordless exchange is all that’s needed before Yoongi relaxes slightly, his cool demeanor returning once more.

You’re confusion however, has yet to wane.

“Yoongi, I’m not here to hurt you, everything I told you is true.” You attempt to find his gaze but, he avoids looking at you, his eyes still black but, fading to a much softer brown, “Might I remind you that, the only reason I’m still here is because, you refuse to tell me the way back….”

At that Yoongi rolls his eyes, “I’m not refusing because, I enjoy your company human, quite the opposite actually, I’m refusing because, you won’t be able to reach the border until you’re healthy, I think you underestimate how far away from home you are…”

His words are paired with a snide expression, his eyes flitting in your direction. The information sends uneasiness into your stomach but, you have no choice but to take his word.

You won’t be facing the forest alone again.

“How far are we exactly?

He smirks, “Far…”

His response frustrates you beyond belief: WHY WAS HE SO VAGUE?

A groan leaves your lips as you slump back into the sofa, “Are you ever going to answer my questions properly? I don’t know how you expect me to feel comfortable here if you refuse to tell me anything…”

Yoongi shrugs, “I don’t expect you to feel anything human, your feelings are not important to me…”

This offends you, of course it does but, you’re don’t have time to get your feelings hurt. You want answers.

“My feelings aren’t important but, my life is?” You press, brows knitted in displeasure

Yoongi ponders this for a moment, pursing his lips and, nodding, “That’s a fair conclusion…are we done now? I have somewhere I need to be.”

With a defeated sigh, you push yourself off of the sofa, stumbling slightly as you do, “Whatever.”

You brush past him, ignoring the way he smells: (like fresh pine and, lavender) and, your movement causes him to flinch but, you don’t notice.

Yoongi smirks again, pleased with your defeat, “Where are you going?”

“Oh, you know, a place…”

Yoongi’s smirk grows, feeding off of your annoyance, “You are permitted to look around downstairs but, I would advise you to keep clear of the leeches, they’re very eager, particularly when your blood is sweet…”

A shiver runs down your spine and, you whip towards him, “Leeches? What are you talking about?”

Yoongi has already disappeared through the doorway and, if you aren’t mistaken, you could swear you hear him chuckling as he does.

Disgusting.

The night ended up dragging on for quite some time. You busied yourself with looking through Yoongi’s collection of books, well trying to at least; the man has a least 8 billion of them. After the 12th or 13th you ended up falling asleep against the shelves in the apothecary room and, you’re pretty sure you had 4 or 5 nightmares involving leeches.

Thanks to Yoongi…

He had been out all night, doing god knows what and, didn’t return until sunrise.

He walks into the door, sore and defeated, shrugging his cloak off and, placing it onto the rack beside his door. His brow is furrowed as he looks around for you, feeling slightly uneasy as he scans the cottage.

“Human?” He calls out, trying to sense you, hoping that you hadn’t run off.

Most people do…

He rounds the corner into his apothecary before, his eyes narrow at his “cat” who is sleeping soundly in your lap.

Leaning against the wall, he smirks down at your sleeping expression, lips pouted, brow furrowed slightly, (kind of cute). Meow wakes up then, sensing his presence, yawning and extending his chubby black paws, golden eyes peering up at Yoongi.

“Don’t look at me like that…” He mutters before knocking his knuckles on the wall, “Human, it’s time to wake up, you must eat…”

The sound startles you awake, your eyes popping open, bleary and confused. With a still furrowed brow, you look up towards Yoongi, unamused by his actions.

“You could have chosen a nicer way to wake me up…”

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “This is my home, not a bed and breakfast and, you were meant to be asleep in the den. Sleeping in such a position is going to prolong your healing process…”

Upon rubbing your eyes, you notice that Yoongi’s cat is resting comfortably in your lap and, rather than bickering with Yoongi, you smile softly, fingers stroking against the cat’s obsidian fur.

“Sorry…I fell asleep reading…” You are distracted by the creature in your lap, who is now purring and, nudging your hand, trying to garner more of your attention. “You cat is really cute…”

Yoongi feels uneasy as he watches you interact with Meow, his confusion at an all-time high, “He’s not a cat,” He grumbles before extending a hand to you, “Come, you need to eat…”

You’re perplexed by his response and, regard his hand warily, “What do you mean, he’s not a cat? Do you call him something different?”

Yoongi ignores your question and, merely jerks his hand towards you again, “It’s been 15 hours since you’ve eaten your last meal…we don’t have time for questions…”

You look up at him, grimacing at his outstretched hand before, a thought pops into your head, “If I eat, will you answer one question??”

Yoongi’s mouth twitches, fighting a smile at your ridiculous request, “What do you mean IF you eat? You have to eat to survive so_” He cuts himself off, face wrinkled in confusion, “I don’t negotiate with mortals, now let’s go, I have things to do…”

You’re whining at this point, your curiosity rising to an agonizing level, “Yoongi, please? I don’t know where I am, or who you are and, you keep calling me mortal or human, and, you talked about consuming my soul and, apparently there’s leeches in your house?? I was almost killed by a monster in the forest, my village probably thinks I’m dead and, I’m going to go insane if you don’t tell me SOMETHING…” You can feel the tears beginning to form in the corner of your eyes and, Yoongi looks as though he’s cringing in discomfort. You aren’t sure if your mini tantrum is just annoying or if he can actually sense your pain but, either way, he sighs, peeved that your emotions are even affecting him the first place.

“Ok, fine, I’ll answer a few questions,” At his words, you perk up and he jerks his hand towards you again with a pointed look, “AFTER you eat.”

“Eat? No problem, I’ll eat as much as you want…” You rejoice, a smile on your face as you take his hand, using it to rise to your feet. Meow scurries off of your lap as you do so, standing beside Yoongi, regarding you with a wise gaze.

“Follow me…” He commands, leaving the room, insuring that he doesn’t move to quickly.

Yoongi leads you through the den and, out through the backdoor. You’re expecting to feel the cool crisp air of the morning but, instead you enter another room, entirely enclosed by glass windows. Sunlight streams through the trees and, cast leaf-shaped shadows on marble countertops. The room is beautiful and, like the other parts of Yoongi’s cottage, the perimeter of the room is also covered in greenery. It seemed to grow out of the walls.

“Sit…” He nods to the stool in front of the counter, before stepping around it and, retrieving a few things from his ice box.

You don’t comment about his bossiness, although at some point, you definitely plan on mentioning it. You’re not a fan of being told what to do but, you decide that the nicer you are to Yoongi, the more he will be willing to tell you.

“Your cottage is beautiful…” You murmur softly, eyes scanning the ceiling once again, feeling very much like you are in some sort of fairy tale.

Yoongi is getting to work on some sort of pastry, long, nimble fingers beginning to kneed and, stretch at some dough. He doesn’t look up from his current task but, you can see his lips twitch again, “Flattery will get you nowhere with me human…”

At this you roll your eyes, propping your chin against your hand, “I’m being serious. I’ve never seen anything like this before; we don’t have plants growing out of our ceilings back in the village…”

“Eat…” He commands, pushing a plate towards you, complete with some sort of puff pastry along with freshly cut berries and, a dusting of powdered sugar.

How the…

“Wait, how did you_”

He cuts you off, brows rising to challenge you, “Are you going back on our agreement?”

“N-No I just…” You defend, completely bewildered at how quickly he just made your breakfast

“Then do as you promised. I will hear your questions after you’re finished…”

His tone never leaves much room for discussion and, you have to consciously remind yourself not to retaliate.

He is starting to infuriate you…

You merely nod though, saving all your quips for later as you dig into the food he prepared.

The breakfast is delicious and, you don’t realize how hungry you are until you take your first bite.

“Where am I right now?” You ask as Yoongi dumps your dirty dishes in the sink, your burning curiosity becoming too much to handle.

Yoongi sighs through his nose, wiping his hands on a linen towel before turning to you, “That’s a very complicated question…”

He regards you with a sage gaze and, you note that despite him looking around your age, you couldn’t help but feel that he was centuries older than you.

“I’m listening…”

“Let me ask a question first…” He wages and as you begin to protest, he silences you with his raised hand, “It’s important…”

“Fine…”

“Who gave you the map?” He inquires, pulling the scrap of paper out of his pants pocket, which is odd considering you know for a fact that’s he’s changed clothes since yesterday morning.

“My grandfather…he says he’s been here before…” You explain, eyeing the map between his fingers, “He says you saved his life…”

At your second comment, Yoongi cocks his head, “Did he give you any further details?”

“You still haven’t answered my question…” You point out, growing frustrated once again.

He sighs, lowering his hand to place the map on the counter, his dark eyes flitting around the room, “My house cannot be found by just anyone, I have it hidden underneath a veil, a protection spell. If you’re grandfather found my cottage, it would be because he possessed certain…abilities.”

Yoongi’s answer surprises you, your brow furrows, “What kind of abilities?”

He shrugs, not looking directly at you, his fingers picking at the edges of the map, “It can be any number of things but, regardless, if he did in fact, find my cottage, he must have done so using a spell…”

“Would the map have been useless to me then?” You press, your curiosity overflowing, the eagerness to ask another question hot on your tongue.

Yoongi nods, a smirk playing on his lips, “This map is nonsense, if you would have continued to follow it, you would have ended up back in your village.” You lean back, confusion painting your features, “What? That’s impossible, he was planning on following it himself to come and find you…”

“Well, either your grandfather never found my cottage in the first place or,” He regards you with a satisfied expression, delighting in your confusion, “…he left out the wrong map.”

It hits you then; your grandfather fooled you. He knew you wouldn’t sit idly by whilst he essentially walked to his death. He knew that you were just the right amount of stubborn to enter the forest in his place, he knew…

“Bastard,” You curse him but, you have to admit, you’re hurt by this conclusion. Why would he knowingly lead you in the wrong direction? Why wouldn’t he stop you if he knew you were going in his place? “Why would he do that?”

Yoongi’s smirk has grown significantly and, you’re starting to grow uneasy at the thought of Yoongi actually being evil.

“What is your grandfather’s name?”

A deep breath is pulled through your nose, “Y/GF/N…he said you saved him as a boy, when he almost drowned in the river. He told my village that he came back to find you, to thank you…”

Yoongi seems to perk up at your response, “I remember him…clever boy.”

The man before you looked as though he was your age but, given the fact that he knew your grandfather when he was just a child, something isn’t adding up. This leads you to your next question, “How old are you?”

His mouth twitches, “It’s impolite to ask someone their age Y/N…”

Your brows rise in defiance, your patience paper thin, “My grandfather is 71, you should have aged significantly since then but, you haven’t, you look as though your my age.” A pointed look is sent his way, “You said you would answer my questions...”

Yoongi chuckles at your eagerness, fangs peeking out from under his top lip, his eyes darkening as they finally look into yours, “Seven hundred and twenty seven…”

Your eyes widen your heart dropping into your stomach as you try to respond calmly, “So, you’re a vampire?”

Yoongi snorts, face wrinkled in disgust, “Heavens no. Vampires are awful creatures, dreadfully unrefined…”

“Then, what are you?”

A scowl is beginning to make its way onto Yoongi’s face as he is beginning to grow irritated by your tone, “I am beyond your scope of understanding…human.”

He spits the last word, as if it’s meant to insult you and, you can sense the tension in the room. You know you have to dial it back if you want answers so you nod, conceding with his answer.

“Fair enough. What attacked me in the forest?”

He seems to relax slightly at your change in subject, “The creatures in the forest, the ones that are responsible for the disappearances of your people…they are the remains of an unaligned spell gone wrong. They feed off of organic energy and, slowly drain the life of their victims. Humans are their primary prey but, they feed off of larger animals as well…when the pickings are slim.”

You rest your chin on your hand, intrigued, “How powerful are they?”

“They are powerful enough to compel your people into the forest but, they don’t stand a chance against light, whether that be sunlight or aligned magic…”

“Aligned magic?”

“Magic that aligns with basic morals, magic that doesn’t seek to harm others or exploit the natural order of the world…” Yoongi explains, the timbre in his voice almost soothing as he continues, “The creatures are known as The Nahbbun, or the vicious but, they have been called many names over the course of history…”

“Do they exist outside of our forest?”

He shakes his head, “Not in this magnitude. A tainted space may contain a few of them but, this forest in particular, contains thousands of them…”

A shiver runs down your spine then but, you can’t help your desire to learn more, “Because of the spell that was performed here?”

He nods sagely, “The person responsible was exceedingly powerful; this level of darkness cannot be contained…”

Attempting to take in all of the new information, you pause for a moment, collecting your thoughts. You notice that Yoongi looks, almost, defeated, as if the information he shared burdened him somehow.

“What happened to the others? My people have never returned once they are lost.” You shift your tone to a gentler one, trying to ease into touchier subjects.

Yoongi stiffens, “Your people are typically conjured away from my cottage and, I can only sense them if they breach my perimeter. Even if I have managed to intervene, they often slip out in the middle of the night…there have been very few I have been able to save…”

“You saved me…” You point, eyes much softer as you sense his genuine regret.

“Yes, well,” He coughs, looking away from you momentarily, “I suppose I did…that is unless you plan on sneaking out in the middle of the night.”

Smiling, you reach out towards him and, resist the urge to giggle as he flinches slightly, “Thank you…for saving me and, for saving my grandfather all those years ago.”

His expression shifts again and, if you’re not mistaken, you can see a bit of softness in his eyes but, he quickly composes himself as he waves you off, “Has your curiosity been sated for now? You have kept me held up for quite some time…”

It’s only been ten minutes or so since this conversation began but, you don’t want to risk Yoongi shutting you off all together so you nod and offer one last sentiment, “I wouldn’t have come here…if I didn’t think it was my only option. I’m sorry for all the trouble…”

A smile threatens Yoongi’s mouth, “You’re the least of my burdens human, don’t worry yourself on my behalf. Focus on healing so, you may return home, I can imagine your grandfather is very worried…”

You nod, making your way off of the stool, “Thank you for breakfast…”

He nods back at you, his lips pursed in an odd sort of smile, “I’ll prepare dinner for you at sunset…”

You smirk to yourself as you head out of the kitchen, “Sounds romantic…”

At your comment, Yoongi rolls his eyes, a minor sense of dread overcoming him as he feels his cheeks heating up at your comment “Don’t be ridiculous…”

He hears your giggle right before the door swings shut behind you and, he does his best to ignore the way the sound warms his heart.

“Humans are dreadful…” He grumbles to himself as he attempts to soothe the redness of his cheeks. At his comment, Meow, who had been listening in, meows at his feet, gold eyes looking up at him knowingly.

“Quiet…” He hushes down at him before heading out of the kitchen and, quickly making his way upstairs to his room.

Yoongi leaves the cottage that night after you fall asleep. The two of you had a relatively pleasant dinner which consisted of an exquisite plate of pasta Yoongi made, or uh, conjured from scratch and, cinnamon teacake for dessert. The conversation was scarce as Yoongi really doesn’t enjoy talking but, he responded when necessary and, kept his sarcastic comments to a minimum.

Which is honestly all you can ask for.

The evening ended as soon as it began as Yoongi was very eager to get you to fall asleep so, he could do whatever it was that he did after the sun set. However, you had yet to sleep a full night in Yoongi’s house.

Something always seems to wake you in the middle of the night.

You are currently huddled up on his sofa bed underneath a thick woolen blanket when you hear the faint sound of meowing that seemed to be coming from above you. Yoongi’s cat is clearly not pleased with the fact that he’s disappeared.

The cottage isn’t as inviting when you’re in it alone, in fact, the howling wind just outside of the walls, makes an uneasy feeling settle in your stomach. The scraping of the tree branches against the cottage’s exterior startles you momentarily before, you take a deep breath in an attempt to calm yourself. Meow continues uh meowing upstairs, the sound growing louder and louder. You’re beginning to wonder if something is wrong with him.

Maybe Yoongi forgot to feed him?

Another howl from the top of the stairs sends you stumbling off of the sofa and towards the noise. The floorboards creak beneath you as you approach the seemingly never-ending spiral staircase.

“Kitty? Are you ok?” You call your voice unstable.

Silence.

With a furrowed brow, you place a foot on the bottom step, your eyes squinting as they peer upwards into darkness, “Meow? Come here kitty…it’s ok, Yoongi will be home soon…”

The silence is deafening and, you feel that familiar sinking feeling in your stomach. The wind beyond the cottage walls seems to halt as the hair on the back of your neck stands up.

“You…uh you don’t have to be scared ok? I don’t want to hurt you…I just want to make sure you’re ok…”

You hear it then, the sound that makes your blood run cold: an insidious almost childlike giggle sounds from the top of the stairs and, you step back immediately, feeling threatened by the sound.

“Oh, little human…it’s not me who should be scared…” The angelic cadence of the voice contrasts against the clear threat in its words.

You feel the need to run but, you’re frozen stiff with fear, “Wh-who’s there? Who are you?”

Another burst of giggles echoes throughout the cottage and, you desperately wish that the floor would swallow you whole.

“You know my name…”

“I..I don’t know your name, I…” You pause then, realization washing over you, “Wait. Meow? Is that you?”

The giggle you hear now is much less threatening but, the movement in the darkness still keeps you on guard, “Yoongi gave me that name out of spite. Personally, I would have chosen something much more endearing…”

Your hand is placed on the bannister as you desperately try to spot him, “I don’t understand…aren’t you his cat? How are you able to speak?”

Meow snickers, tickled by your lack of knowledge, “Don’t you remember Yoongi warning you that I wasn’t a cat. Silly human, you really should pay better attention…”

You do remember Yoongi saying something of the sort but, you had dismissed it as him choosing to be difficult.

“Then, what are you?”

Footsteps echo at the top of the stairs, light and delicate, as if someone is tip-toeing their way towards you. It makes your heart pound in anticipation.

A man appears halfway down the stairs, causing a gasp to leave your mouth. He’s roughly the same size as Yoongi, with the same raven-colored hair atop his head, except there is a bit of orange peeking through. He, like Yoongi, possesses a quality that you can’t quite pin point along with an otherworldly amount of beauty. His features are much softer however, his pink lips plump and turned up in a playful smirk, his eyes heavy with mischief, his body sporting a minimum amount of clothing.

“I am beyond your scope of understanding human…” The man deepens his voice, clearly mimicking Yoongi’s words before he bursts into another fit of giggles, “What a ridiculous thing to say…”

Your words seem to stop in the base of your throat, unable to comprehend what exactly is going on.

“You’re…uh, you’re…” You’re truly making an attempt to speak but, nothing seems to be coming out. The man notices and takes pleasure in your flustered state, another giggle leaving his lips.

“What’s the matter Y/N? Cat got your tongue?” He winks and, you swear you feel like you’re going to faint.

You thought Yoongi had managed to balance being both beautiful and threatening but, this man seems to take the cake as far as duality is concerned.

“If you’re not Yoongi’s cat, then who are you?”

Meow cocks his head, the moonlight streaming in through the window illuminating his naked top half as his hand comes up to push his hair back. It’s almost as if he is intentionally trying to distract you.

“I am…a friend of Yoongi’s…” He begins, turning his gaze towards yours as he slowly starts to descend down the staircase, “We’ve known each other for quite some time…”

You step back, still on guard, already growing impatient with a lack of answers, “A friend of Yoongi’s, who just so happens to shape shift into a cat…”

Another giggle, a few more steps, Meow is getting closer to you, “Mhm. You’re growing frustrated aren’t you? I can taste it…”

“I’m growing tired of a lack of answers…” You counter, trying to hold your ground as he approaches you.

Meow smirks, his pupils dilating to the point of vertical slits and, you can’t decide if he looks more like a cat or a snake.

“Ooh she wants answers does she? You’re quite nosy Y/N…I like that about you.” His tone is shifting to a slightly more sultry tone as he leans against the bannister. “However…I don’t give away anything for free…answers come with a price.”

You don’t back down and instead, stand up straighter, “Name your price then.”

His cat like grin grows, his eyes scanning over you slowly, drinking you in, “It’s nothing major…just a taste…”

“A taste of what…”

Meow’s eyes darken, “Of you…”

You back away, all of the alarms signaling in your body, preparing to run.

The man before bursts into another round of giggling, his head falling back as he braces against the bannister, “I’m only kidding. Goodness, you’re so wound up, if Yoongi had any sense in him, he’d be requesting to heal you in other ways, to ease your tension. It’s certainly the route I would take…”

A shaky breath leaves you as you glare at him, “What are you?”

Meow’s laughter dies down, however, his smirk remains, “Your people have many names for me…”

Your brows rise, conveying that you are searching for a concrete answer and, Meow concedes, turning to the side to reveal his bare ribs to you. Squinting, you can see that he has a several black marks adorning his skin. You don’t recognize the language but, just before you inquire about them, Meow speaks up again.

“Siren…” He practically whispers the word, a delighted grin on his face, “Do you know the meaning of the word?”

Siren.

You’ve heard the term from many of the sailors who reside in your village, they told stories of beautiful women luring their men to the ocean with their song before, devouring them whole. It was easy to dismiss their stories as drunken banter so; you never paid too much attention. However, you nod at Meow’s question, “Yes, sailors from my village have told stories containing that word…you don’t exactly match their description.”

Another twinkling giggle, “We take whatever form we need to…human men are the easiest targets.”

“Is that…” You pause, biting your lip, “Is that why you’re here with Yoongi? To prey on him?”

“Mm I wish. He would be a delicious meal,” Meow muses, “but no, I am bound to Yoongi until I have paid my karmic toll…”

“Karmic toll? What do you mean?

“I was a very naughty boy when I was alive Y/N…” Meow giggles, biting his puffy bottom lip, “ and an accumulation of bad karma is keeping me from entering Paradise. My soul was assigned to Yoongi for…correction.”

Your stomach sinks, “You’re dead? Wait, if you’re dead then how can I-“

He cuts you off, “Ah yes, Yoongi and I were wondering the same thing…it seems as though you possess ‘the sight’.”

“The sight?” You breathe, growing rather eager as you finally receive some answers to your burning questions.

“Yes, it is believed that there are a select group of humans who have inherited the ability to see things beyond their mortal world. It’s a rather uncommon occurrence; personally, I’ve never encountered a human who could see me in my true form.” Meow stretches his arms high above his head, not unlike a cat, making a small noise at the back of his throat.

“Is this,” You gesture to him, “your true form?”

He chuckles, nodding, a sense of pride washing over him, “It is, lucky me right? Although, I often take the form of what my prey desires the most. However, with you, my true form seems to align quite well with your desires…”

Your cheeks grow hot at his comment, your heart rate increasing slightly, “Can you still harm me when you’re dead?”

A wide grin presents himself on Meow’s mouth, “What makes you think I’d be interested in harming you?”

“Well referring to me as prey is quite a big tell Meow, what else would you have me think?”

The grin never falters as he steps towards you, hungry gaze drinking in the sight of you, “I only kill when I have to feed and, I only play with those who come willingly…I’m not completely deranged.”

“You…eat people?”

He snickers, “No, silly girl, I consume their soul…”

His response doesn’t shock you but, as your brain connects his statement with a familiar statement from Yoongi, you begin to grow nervous.

“I prefer the taste of their soul…it’s much sweeter…”

You pull at the sleeves of your sweater in an attempt to comfort yourself, feeling rather faint, “Yoongi mentioned consuming human souls…is he a siren too?”

Meow pouts his lips, “Hmph no, he’d be much less of a bore if he was…he is something else entirely. My people have no name for him but…” Meow trails off cat-like eyes scanning the perimeter of the room, as if he were afraid of someone overhearing him, “I can tell you this, he is one of the very few creatures we sirens fear and, if I were you, I would watch my neck around him…”

Meow’s words strike fear into your heart but, before you can respond, the sound of a familiar voice sounds throughout the room.

“Jimin!” Yoongi barks, his tone sharp and unrelenting with a glare to match.

Jimin?

Meow giggles before you before disappearing with a light thud, shifting back into his cat form and, scurrying up the staircase.

“Vile creature! Have you learned nothing???” Yoongi shouts at the ceiling, fists clenching at his sides, anger radiating off of him.

Meow or Jimin’s laughter echoes against the walls of Yoongi’s cottage and you shrink away from the volume of his voice.

Yoongi’s glare flits over to you, scanning your figure, “Did he hurt you?”

You shake your head, backing away from him, “No…he…”

He cuts you off with a raise of his hand, irritation heavy in his voice, “What did I tell about proper sleep? What are you doing awake? The remedy I gave you should have been enough to keep you asleep until sunrise…”

Why was he laying into you? You did nothing wrong, in fact, it’s you who should be laying into him, demanding answers yet again.

“Well I’m sorry but, your demon cat woke me up….” You spit the words, feeling furious at all of the ambiguity, “And then, proceeded to tell me that he was dead and paying for his sins, that included CONSUMING HUMAN SOULS! WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM?”

Yoongi stiffens at the tone of your voice, his anger at an all-time high, “Watch your tone mortal, I won’t be disrespected in my own home…”

“Tell me who you are…” You seethe your fight or flight response clearly ready to do the former.

Yoongi steps towards you, the power within him ebbing and flowing against his body, his black pupils slowly taking over the entirety of his eyes, “I don’t owe you an explanation…”

You back away slightly but, stand your ground, eyes narrowed in his direction, “Jimin said you were something to fear, he said to watch my neck around you. You owe me enough to ensure that you aren’t going to kill me…”

He smirks, his eyes entirely vacant of color, “Jimin was correct. I suggest you heed his warning.”

Despite the raging tempo of your heartbeat, you puff your chest out, taking a step in Yoongi’s direction.

“I’m not afraid of you.”

Yoongi’s breath can be felt against your face, his lips, wet and almost lingering against yours, “Really? Then why is your heart sputtering in your chest hm? Why does your body tremble in my presence?”

There is something stirring within the pit of your stomach that you don’t recognize but, your anger overshadows it.

“What. Are. You?” You press again, ignoring his other questions.

His eyes seem to glimmer momentarily, a color flashing across the surface, his sizeable hands bracing against the wall behind you, trapping your body. Yoongi leans in and, for a moment you think he’s going to kiss you but, his lips make a detour over to your ear instead. Your heart is practically in your throat and, the odd sensation grows stronger and stronger within you. Yoongi’s lips brush over the shell of your ear, whispering a language you don’t recognize,

“Sleep now human, before your mouth gets you in trouble…”

Darkness envelops you and your body goes limp, causing Yoongi’s arms to come out and catch you.

------------------------------------------------------

“Human…” A low voice rumbles beside you, slowly pulling you from your unconscious state.

You know the voice but, the fog in your brain can’t quite place it, the only thing you can feel is a dull throbbing your temples.

“Y/N…”

It was Yoongi.

Your eyes pop open, immediately on guard, your hazy vision noting that Yoongi was sitting on the arm chair beside the sofa.

A white blouse adorned his top half, the ties loosened, exposing his chest, his hair damp, suggesting that he had just bathed.

You sit up slowly, back away from his figure, “What did you do to me?”

He rolls his eyes, “I subdued you. You were getting out of control…”

“You drugged me? What the hell is wrong with you?”

Yoongi scoffs, a smirk playing on his lips, “I didn’t use any drugs, don’t be ridiculous. You were being unreasonable; I merely helped you fall back asleep...”

The frustration you’ve been feeling returns quickly but, the way Yoongi spoke to you, always dismissing you, made defeat spark in your heart.

His brows rise, challenging you, “Are you going to behave now?”

However, this comment ignites the fire within you once more and, your eyes shoot up to lock onto his.

“Are you going to tell me who you are?”

Yoongi can’t help but chuckle, your frustration beginning to amuse him.

“No.”

The fire is hotter now and, you have to resist the urge to reinstate your argument.

“Then no,” You smirk, ensuring that the venom is present in your voice, “I’m not going to behave.”

Yoongi feels something brewing in his body but, he does his best to ignore it. Although, there is something about the authority in your voice that gets to him.

“You are peculiar you know that? Provoking me, disregarding my boundaries, do you not value your life at all?” He leans back against the back of the chair, dark eyes scanning your face.

“I don’t value my life over another. Finding the truth could ensure the safety of my people…” You retort, the two of you locking eyes, palpable tension beginning to rise.

“I’ve told you the truth human…”

“You’ve told me part of the story,” You counter, nodding to him, your confidence growing slightly as Yoongi’s resolve tends to break.

“Why are you so curious? The part that I told you is the only part that pertains to your people, the rest is-”

He pauses, breathing out through his nose, breaking the gaze between the two of you.

Emotion flutters in your heart, your eyes turning their attention towards the tree branches that brush against the window pane.

“Yoongi…” Your voice is gentler now, trying to reason with him, “ …my parents died in this forest. They were explorers and, made it their life’s work to unlock its secrets. I don’t want their work to be in vain, please…maybe I can help you, maybe if more people knew the truth, we’d be able to stop the darkness...”

As you revert your eyes back to his, you notice he’s sporting a disgusted expression, an expression that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“You are naïve human, naïve and foolish. Just like your parents…” Yoongi’s words cut like knives, slicing through your exterior and, tearing you to pieces. “I have searched for centuries and, have yet to find a solution; you would be useless to me, knowing the rest of the story wouldn’t change that…”

That’s it then.

Your heart sinks, your face flushes and, the tightening in your throat is unbearable.

Standing shakily to your feet, you sniffle, trying to keep the tears at bay before looking up at Yoongi, “Maybe you should have left me in the forest Yoongi, since I’m so useless…”

He watches you rush out of the den, his chest aching at the sight of your sadness and, he suddenly regrets every word he said.

His defense was too strong this time, he took it too far.

Yoongi’s words are caught in his throat as he ignores his desire to run after you and, he curses himself for being so hard-headed sometimes. “Wow Min that was harsh, even for you…” Jimin appears at the bottom of the stairs, smirking, his tongue licking over his pointy teeth.

Yoongi sends a glare his way, “Do not refer to me so casually, Siren or I will ensure you never enter Paradise...”

Jimin falters slightly but, presses him further, snickering quietly, “Apologies, my lord. I am merely confused; if you hate this human so much, why not consume her? I imagine her soul would be...divine...”

Yoongi feels his blood boil over, “Because, unlike you, I’m not a degenerate...”

Jimin chuckles darkly, stepping off the final step, “Why do you hate her so much? She is one of the better humans I’ve encountered…quite beautiful too…”

Yoongi feels a pull in his stomach as he mentions your beauty, something about the way Jimin was speaking of you made him uncomfortable.

Although Jimin, in general, often made him uncomfortable.

“I don’t hate her…” Yoongi mutters, pushing himself off of the couch, wishing to retire to his room, alone.

Jimin steps in front of him, mischief in his eyes, “You’re attracted to her aren’t you?”

Another tug in Yoongi’s stomach puts him further on the defensive and, pushes past Jimin to get to the staircase.

“Siren, I won’t tell you again…” Yoongi warns, venom in his tone, “…stay in line, or I will eternalize your sentence…”

This threat does a number on Jimin’s desire to pester and, rather than risk feeling Yoongi’s wrath, he shuts his mouth and, disappears into a thin mist.

As Yoongi reaches his chamber, he strips himself down to his undergarments and crawls under his duvet. He pulls the fabric completely over his head in a futile attempt to drown out his chaotic thinking, beyond frustrated with himself.

He shouldn’t have spoken to you that way, he knows that.

He knows that Jimin, however infuriating, wasn’t completely wrong in his assumptions.

You do…intrigue him.

He knows that you have good intentions; he can sense your purity.

He knows that you possess something you don’t quite understand; the fact that you could see Jimin proves that.

He knows that you have a strong moral code, one that isn’t easily manipulated, despite his best efforts.

He knows that you’re argumentative, impatient and, passionate.

However, he doesn’t understand you completely; he doesn’t understand how you manage to rattle his carefully crafted resolve.

He doesn’t understand why he wants to protect you.

Or why he finds you so endearing…

So enchanting…

Despite spending his life being feared, Yoongi finds himself completely and utterly terrified for the first time.

Terror aside, he knows what he has to do.

He has to tell you that your grandfather lied to you.

He has to tell you that not everything is as it seems.

He has to tell you the truth.

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recentanimenews · 4 years

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IN-DEPTH: Unraveling the Ecology Behind My Favorite Anime and Manga

Ecology is a widely misunderstood term that is often confused with environmentalism. The word "ecology" originates from the Greek word oikos (home or household). As that suggests, ecology is the study of the organism and its oikos — its home or environment. Land, water, air, sunlight, plants, animals, other individuals of the same species, and itself — everything is part of an organism's environment along with the way everything relates to everything else. That’s ecology.

Most information on ecology is in the form of research papers, textbooks, and popular science. In short, nonfiction. We may read nonfiction books on topics we are interested in, but for topics we aren’t interested in or even aware of? It’s unlikely. Fiction bridges the gap between education and enjoyment. You may not want to watch a documentary about agriculture, but you’d certainly be interested in watching Silver Spoon. It’s a win-win.

Anime and manga have always had an interesting way of approaching topics of nature and ecology, whether it be a celebration of nature like A Place Further Than the Universe, a subtle treatise on ecological topics like Parasyte, or environmental commentary like Weathering With You. Hayao Miyazaki’s Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind is probably the most important anime/manga piece of eco-fiction. These are all important works, but let's look at the ecological themes in three of my most treasured anime and manga, each of which embodies a different branch of ecology.

Shin Sekai Yori (From the New World) and Behavioral Ecology

From the New World might have the most overt connection to ecology. Author Yusuke Kishi was inspired to write the original novel after reading Konrad Lorenz’s 1963 book On Aggression. Konrad Lorenz is widely considered to be the father of modern behavioral ecology, perhaps best known for his studies on imprinting in geese. In On Aggression, Lorenz attempted to explain aggression (defined as the intent to harm another individual of the same species) through the framework of evolutionary biology. According to his (now outdated) "hydraulic model," frustration builds in the individual like a fluid until it is "released" by an outlet — namely, aggression.

Aggression is a curious phenomenon. You are probably accustomed to seeing animals in grand fights to the death in nature documentaries. Except, this actually almost never happens. All organisms seek to be as "successful" as possible. In evolutionary terms, "success" comes from leaving behind as many descendants as possible. Can’t do that if you’re dead, can you? Even injuries have the potential to impact success: an injured individual might be viewed as an undesirable mate, for example. Animals will actively avoid violent escalation of conflict as much as possible — especially social animals where conflict is an inevitable byproduct of increased interaction, and powerful carnivorous animals who have the capability to kill. Lorenz wrote of how these animals must evolve behaviors that will reduce the impact of aggression. One of these anti-aggression adaptations might sound familiar to From the New World fans: attack inhibition.

In From the New World, attack inhibition is one of the key properties of humans with the psychokinetic powers called Cantus. Basically, a human with Cantus will feel strongly unable to physically attack another human. Persisting with such an attack will result in the triggering of "death feedback," killing the attacker. This is similar to natural phenomena — fights among wolves or dogs usually have a clear winner and loser but rarely end in serious injury because bite strength is carefully moderated so as not to cause injury (a phenomenon called soft mouth). The loser will turn upside down, exposing their vulnerable regions to the winner, who will not attack as they have already established dominance. Similar behaviors can be observed in many other animals, such as ravens. According to Lorenz, this is the result of an innate attack inhibition that has evolved in these species.

While the “death feedback” of From the New World might seem like a harsh punishment for aggression, it’s not too far off from the truth. A species whose individuals engage in wanton violence is not a species that would last long. In the words of Lorenz, “a raven can peck out the eye of another with one thrust of its beak, a wolf can rip the jugular vein of another with a single bite. There would be no more ravens and no more wolves if reliable inhibitions did not prevent such actions.” In other words, violent escalation of conflict is undesirable for the individual, and by extension for the species. Natural selection is real-life “death feedback,” isn’t it?

Lorenz also had a theory that less-powerful animals such as doves or rabbits have not evolved such inhibitions because they aren’t as necessary — except in captivity, where individuals are forced to confront each other with no possibility of escape. And what of us normal, Cantus-less humans, then? Lorenz describes us as "a dove which, by some unnatural trick of nature, has suddenly acquired the beak of a raven." In From the New World, the supposed “greatest danger to society” comes in the form of humans with weak or nonexistent Cantus — these individuals are not burdened with attack inhibition or death feedback. In short, individuals like you or me. Humans are a curious species, even without Cantus. Our use of tools bypasses conventional evolutionary pathways. We have not had time to adapt, but will we? Are war and conflict an inevitable byproduct of our aggressive tendencies? Both Lorenz and From the New World have one common thing to say: that there are no easy answers to this.

Golden Kamuy and Conservation Ecology

Golden Kamuy is an ecologist’s paradise. Manga creator Satoru Noda packs pages with everything from delicate drawings of local flora to elaborate footnotes on the pooping habits of bears, really bringing early 20th-century Hokkaido to life. On the surface, Golden Kamuy is a classic gold rush western, a wild tale of conflict between the protagonists (ex-soldier Sugimoto and Ainu hunter Asirpa) and various other parties in search of lost Ainu gold. Beneath lies a greater conflict: humanity versus Hokkaido itself.

Hokkaido is Japan’s largest prefecture, and one of its least-populated, accounting for 22 percent of Japan’s land area but only 4.4 percent of the population. Hokkaido is an island, physically separated from mainland Japan to the south by the Tsugaru Strait. This physical separation is known as Blakiston’s Line (after English explorer Thomas Blakiston). Several plants and animals found north of Blakiston’s Line (in Hokkaido) won’t be found south of it (in mainland Japan), and vice versa. So you have black bears and flying squirrels on the mainland but brown bears and chipmunks in Hokkaido.

Into this unique environment stepped modern human civilization in the form of settlers from mainland Japan and beyond — mostly ranchers, gold prospectors, and prisoners. In short, the majority of the Golden Kamuy cast. Although the Ainu people had lived in Hokkaido for a long period of time, their impact on the environment was minimal, as they lived sustainably off the land. The settlers were a different bunch, altering the environment in many ways. One of those ways was through farming. The Meiji government sought to modernize agricultural techniques in the country and brought in advisers from the West to do so. One of them, in particular, would change the landscape of Hokkaido for good — a certain Ohio rancher named Edwin Dun, who you might recognize as Eddie Dun from Golden Kamuy.

Well before his first appearance in Volume 7, Dun’s role in de-wilding Hokkaido was hinted at in Volume 3 — Noda mentions an American rancher responsible for driving the Hokkaido wolf to extinction. Brought in to introduce scientific agricultural methods in 1873, Dun realized horse ranching in Hokkaido faced a significant hurdle: predation. Hokkaido wolves were slaughtering a good portion of horses and foals, so Dun took it upon himself to exterminate wolves from Hokkaido. His method of poisoning horse carcasses, combined with a bounty hunting system, worked a little too well — the last record of the Hokkaido wolf is from 1896.

The other major way settlers impacted the environment of Hokkaido was through the very foundation of Golden Kamuy’s plot: gold mining. It has been well documented that even small-scale gold panning at rivers has serious consequences for fish populations — the mining activity disturbs the riverbed and increases the amount of sediment in downstream waters. This sediment contains greater levels of mercury and other trace minerals that can impact fish. The Hokkaido gold rush endangered the salmon of Hokkaido — one of the most important species of the ecosystem as a food source to bears and Ainu alike.

Ultimately, Golden Kamuy is as much a study of human-nature conflict as it is of conflict between humans. Each of the three main factions of people — settlers, soldiers, and Ainu — view nature differently. To settlers like Eddie Dun, nature is an inconvenient hurdle to be tamed. To soldiers like Lieutenant Tsurumi, nature is a powerful hazard to their daily lives that is to be feared. And to Ainu like Asirpa, nature is an equal, meant to be treated with respect.

MUSHI-SHI and Community Ecology

MUSHI-SHI's central concept of enigmatic life-forms — called mushi — that flit on the edge of existence, enables it to tackle a whole bunch of ecological themes, but central to it all is what is known as community ecology. Community ecology studies the way different organisms interact at various scales in space and time. At the core of this field are interspecific interactions — how different species interact with each other. An interaction between two species could be anywhere between mutualism (where both parties benefit) or parasitism (where one exploits the other).

The depiction of parasitism is extremely close to real life. Some mushi take over the host’s ears, some take over the eyes. Some take control of the entire body, leaving but a husk of a person behind. This horrifies us because, as humans, we aren’t really accustomed to parasites aside from the occasional hair lice or intestinal worms. To see the worst of parasitism, one needs to look at other species. Parasitoid wasps will "drug" large insects by stinging them before laying eggs inside them, when the young hatch, they can eat the host alive from the inside out. Why not outright kill the host? To keep them fresher for longer.

The most intriguing parasites are those that alter the host’s behavior to their benefit. In Episode 3 of MUSHI-SHI The Next Passage, we encounter a man who seems to shun warmth of any kind, embracing the cold of winter. The most notable thing is the fact that he is not truly cold-resistant — his body is suffering from the effects of exposure, yet he seems not to notice. Unbeknownst to him, he is infected by a cold-loving mushi. This is textbook behavior alteration. Behavior-altering parasites have some of the most complex life-cycles of any organism. Toxoplasma, a small microorganism, infects rats. However, its true host (the one in which it can reproduce) is the domestic cat. To ensure that it reaches a cat, the Toxoplasma alters the behavior of its rat host, making it braver and less fearful of cats. Once this foolhardy rat is eaten by a cat, the Toxoplasma can finally reproduce, releasing spores via the cat’s droppings, ready to be eaten by — you guessed it — a rat. Thus the cycle starts over. This isn’t an isolated case — there are hundreds of such parasites, some with even more complex life cycles.

No episode of MUSHI-SHI better encapsulates the ecology of parasitism than the Rosemary’s Baby-esque “Cotton Changeling” (Season 1, Episode 21). We encounter a mother and her strange, green-skinned, near-identical children. These "children" are not human — they are merely mushi pretending to be human. While the first "children" are barely able to walk, later generations are impressively human-like, with fully developed speech and intelligence. They resist protagonist Ginko's attempts to convince the mother to stop caring for them. This generational improvement mirrors nature, where parasites are engaged in an evolutionary arms race with their hosts. The hosts change to counter the parasite, and the parasite must keep pace too. A classic example can be seen with that most classic of parasites: the cuckoo. Over time, host birds learn to recognize cuckoo eggs or chicks and throw them out. In response, the cuckoo begins to lay eggs that are more similar to those of their host.

If you thought parasitism was solely about harming the host, you’d be wrong — MUSHI-SHI understands this. In many episodes, mushi infection actually confers a benefit upon the infected person, who are sometimes unwilling to be cured by Ginko. Once again, this isn’t far off from real life. Researchers now believe there is a spectrum between mutualism and parasitism. In fact, many mutualisms began as parasitic interactions. One of the most widespread parasites — bacteria called Wolbachia that infect insects — confers benefits like viral immunity and insecticide resistance upon its host. Some insects are incapable of breeding without Wolbachia infection. But if you thought the Wolbachia was doing this out of benevolence, you’d be wrong again — Wolbachia is simply committed to doing whatever it takes to ensure its own survival. If the host dies, so does the parasite.

Host-parasite interactions are cyclic, and MUSHI-SHI is all about such cycles. Shots of humans and mushi are contrasted with long shots of the forest floor, where leaves decay and rot, returning to soil, fueling the web of life. Mushi exploit humans, who exploit mushi, and the cycle continues. At the center of it all is Ginko, an ecologist if I’ve ever seen one. To Ginko, the mushi are neither good nor evil, they simply exist. Everything is only the way it should be, nothing more or less. Taking on the role of a neutral observer rather than an exterminator, he goes from place to place, motivated as much by his own curiosity as he is by a desire to help people. It is through Ginko that MUSHI-SHI shows us what it means to be an ecologist.

The Power of Fiction: A Personal Story

I mentioned earlier that fiction has the power to make us interested in things we aren’t interested in. It also has the power to make us regain interest in things we lost interest in. I was once an ecologist-in-training. Since childhood, I had been fascinated by the natural world, and becoming an ecologist seemed like the natural culmination of such interests.

It didn't pan out that way, sadly. I hated college. By the end of my long and protracted Master’s degree, I no longer had any love for ecology. I actively shied away from scientific discussions with my more illustrious colleagues and no longer made an effort to keep myself informed about current research. Me and ecology, we were finished. Or so I thought. I began to explore anime and manga — longtime interests of mine — more deeply as a sort of escape from my "failures" in academia. It was through the three titles discussed above that I was able to reconcile with the subject. My ecological knowledge actively enhanced my watching and reading experience and I suddenly felt a desire to rediscover what it was that made me love the subject so much in my early days. I was genuinely grateful for everything I'd learned because it helped me better appreciate such fine works of art. While I may never return to academia, I no longer feel the need to forget my time there, to push it out of my memory. I no longer feel that shame. It goes to show that anime and manga not only have the power to teach us about our world but can also touch our lives in strange and unexpected ways.

By: Manas B. Sharma

#Anime #News #Latest in Anime News by Crunchyroll!

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ballumsecretvalentine · 5 years

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happy valentine’s day @halfsway! hope you enjoy this lil fic x

you know you’re the one i dream about

Valentine’s day was fast approaching, long gone are the small remnants of the festivities still straggling over well into January, and the shops were overtaken in red and pink and chocolates and roses. Even Mick and Linda had set up a Valentines event – partners quiz night: the winners of which would be awarded with their grandest champagne on ice.

Callum would usually be up for Valentine’s day, despite never having had an official partner for what is deemed the most romantic day of the year. He just loved, love. Nothing brought him happiness more than seeing everyone around him in love, sharing cards and flowers and kisses. In an ideal world, he would have someone to share that with too, to spoil and show how much he loves them not only on the fourteenth of February, but every day.

Ben, on the other hand, hated Valentine’s day. The commercialism of it outrageously priced sweet treats, and how tacky everything seemed to be as January turned into February. If there ever was a Scrooge for Valentine’s, it would be Ben Mitchell.

That was, until he fell head over heels in love with one Callum Highway, one of his closest confidants.

It’s not as though it was some heavily guarded secret, which was just as well because it seemed as though everyone bar Callum had already worked it out. Nobody knew how, considering how obvious it was to them, but Callum was completely oblivious to the fact that Ben, someone he spent so much of his time with, was in love with him. It had seemed like years since Jay had first noticed.

Ben sat in the café, a cup of tea in his hand and a full English in front of him. They had all gone out the night previously, to the Prince Albert. Ben had spent the whole night watching as Callum had been pulled away by some bloke – who wasn’t even attractive – and spent the rest of the night with him, dancing against each other, lips touching lips. Ben complained the whole night, periods of time spent being unable to tear his eyes away from them, and periods of time spent not wanting to look anywhere near their direction. Jay sat down opposite him, bright smile on his face, a vast contrast to Ben’s aura, which was clouded by a huge hangover.

“Alright mate?” Jay asked, stealing a hash brown from Ben’s barely touched plate.

Ben just nodded, and instantly regretted it, feeling like his brain was wobbling around inside his skull. “Yeah. Heavy night.”

Jay nodded, accepting that for a moment. “Barely drank before Callum went off with that bloke.”

Rolling his eyes, Ben drained the remainders of his tea, and made to stand up. Before he was even halfway up from his seat, Callum walked into the café, his hair flat to his head, cheeks flushed red from the weather outside. It knocked the younger man sideways for a moment or two, causing him to sit back down. Jay turned towards the front of the café, trying to work out what just happened.

“And the penny drops.” Jay smirked. “Mate, it was obvious last night.”

Ben raised an eyebrow in faux confusion. “What are you banging on about now bruv?”

“Callum.” He stated, as if it was obvious. “You fancy him.”

Ben, in reaction, pressed his head to the table, not confirming nor denying this. Fuck.

eighth february

Callum walked down the stairs, leaving his flat and entering his place of work. He had been working at Coker’s for a few months now, and had quickly fallen into the swing of things, being the perfect person to help comfort grieving relatives. He walked into the office, shouting out a quick ‘Morning!’ to Jay, who he knew would be in the other room without even so much as looking in. Callum looked around the room, trying to think about what he needed to do first, and found an envelope addressed to him placed on his desk. It definitely wasn’t there when he left the night previously, and the garish red looked out of place in the muted funeral home. He opened it up, walking back into the front, where Jay was sorting out some papers. “Did you see who left this?” he asked, before he started to read it.

‘For Valentine’s day I thought I’d show you how much you mean to me. Get ready for the love letters, Callum.’ The ‘f’ was garish and swirled in on itself, creating loop upon loop. There was a familiar look to the rest of the words, as though he had seen the marks before, but Callum couldn’t quite place it. It was unusual for him to see people’s handwriting, after all.

“No.” Jay shook his head. “What is it?”

“Something for Valentines,” Callum explained, reading it over and over again. “Probably a wind up.”

“Or,” Jay started. “Or you’ve got a secret admirer.”

Callum huffed out a laugh, shaking his head at Jay. “Shut up.”

“It’s been a while since you got some action mate.” Jay laughed, filing paper. “’Ere, you don’t think it’s Mrs Montgomery do ya?”

Callum contorted his face, a look of disgust shared to Jay. “She’s not quite my type. Considering she’s an 80 year old widow!”

“Never say never mate, never say never.” Jay only shut up when a crumpled up piece of paper came flying to the side of his face.

For the rest of the day, Callum put the letter to the back of his mind, leaving it in a drawer on his desk.

Jay, on the other hand, knew exactly who had left the letter behind for Callum. Ben. He’d told everyone as January was coming to a close, that he needed to do something to make Callum see how he felt, and this was the idea that he had decided to do.

ninth february

The second letter was delivered to Callum’s flat, posted underneath the door, landing perfectly on the carpet. The envelope, again, was a garish red, and written on the front was ‘Callum’, followed by a number two, printed right in the corner. With a shaky breath, Callum opened it up and thumbed over the words as he read it.

‘Remember when you got drunk and told the whole pub that nobody would ever love you, right after you came out? You thought wrong. I was already in love with you then.’

Callum smiled, remembering that night. It was a whirlwind experience, from the moment he had realised that his sexuality was fine, that he was normal, to the moment he sat everyone down one by one and said the word, ‘I’m gay’. He had been subjected to getting drunk very early on in the evening, after people, including complete strangers he didn’t even know, bought him alcohol as part of a coming out celebration. The Vic had been packed, and Callum stood up, swaying from side to side, deciding that the time to feel sorry for himself and tell everyone that nobody would ever fall in love with him if they hadn’t already fallen in love with him.

He walked downstairs, into the funeral parlour, and found Jay stood there with Ben.

“Another love letter mate?” Jay asked, nodding his head to the envelope in Callum’s hand.

Callum lifted it up slightly. “Second one. Even put a little number on the envelope.”

“What’s this?” Ben asked, slightly smug smile on his face, lighting up, but trying to disguise it behind a look of faux confusion.

“Callum’s got a secret admirer for Valentines.” Jay explained. “Sending him letters.”

Ben raised his eyebrows. “Alright for some innit!” He laughed, tapping Callum on the arm.

“Do you know anything about this?” Callum asked Jay, too impatient to wait however long it would be to find out the identity behind his admirer.

Jay smiled, shaking his head in disbelief. “Sworn to secrecy.”

Callum looked to Ben, nodding towards Ben, lifting the letter up to him. “Ben?” he asked.

“Like Jay said,” Ben started. “Sworn to secrecy.”

Callum rolled his eyes, knowing he wouldn’t get anything out of either of them. They could be annoying when they wanted to be.

“Pub, tonight?” Ben asked as Callum walked back into his office, putting the letter in a drawer, hidden from view. “Lola’s in.”

He popped his head around the door, nodding. “I’m working til 6, but count me in. Jay?”

“If Lo’s there, I’m there.” He answered.

“Love’s young dream, eh?” Ben joked.

Jay knocked into him, causing Ben to teasingly rub his arm, pretending that Jay had hurt him. Callum smirked, shaking his head at the brothers in front of him, knowing that they would be worse than this tonight with alcohol coursing through their system.

tenth february

It was Callum’s long awaited day off. Since starting to work at the Coker’s on a regular basis, he struggled to find time to himself during the day, and was slowly going insane with the workload he was experiencing. It all got too much for him, and he booked a day off just to be able to put his mind at rest and do absolutely nothing. He was just walking around, taking his time as he strolled to the Minute Mart for his food shopping, not in any particular rush.

Jay ran up to Callum, dressed in his black suit, still working today but clearly taking a short break. Callum was grateful it wasn’t a busy day, because he probably would have been called into work. “Been told to give you this.” He said, handing Callum his next letter.

“So, you do know who they’re from?” Callum asked in an attempt to uncover the admirer, whilst starting to open the envelope.

Jay shrugged. “Told you mate.” He said. “Sworn to secrecy. All will be revealed soon.”

Callum rolled his eyes as Jay walked away in the opposite direction. He opened the envelope fully, revealing the letter and reading it. Like with all the others, the first letter of it looped and swirled and for a moment, Callum wondered if that could be a hint, but quickly dismissed that theory in lieu of actually reading the words.

‘One day, I hope you might feel the same, but if not, that’s okay. I’m just happy being beside you in life.’

His head spun like clockwork, trying to work out who it could possibly be sending him these letters. It must be someone close to him, but Callum was confident that nobody he was around liked him in that way. He carried on walking, and as he turned a corner, he bumped into Ben, who was walking towards Callum.

“Oh.” Callum gasped out, Ben’s shoulder barging into his own. “Shit, sorry!”

“Another love letter?” Ben asked, rubbing his shoulder and nodding down to Calllum’s hand.

Callum nodded. “Yup.”

“Any idea who it is?” Ben quizzed.

“Not a clue.” Callum answered. “They aren’t giving much away.”

Ben chuckled out a laugh. “I’m sure you’ll work it out sooner rather than later.”

“Probably.” Callum breathed out. “We still on for tonight?”

Of course. Once a month, Ben and Callum would head out to the West End to watch a musical. It didn’t matter to them what they were watching, it was just something fun they could do together, and once Ben discovered that Callum liked musicals adapted to film, he couldn’t help but start their monthly tradition of watching stage shows.

“Obviously.” Ben rolled his eyes, he wouldn’t miss the time he spent with Callum for the world. “I need to get to work, but I’ll text you later.”

And with that, he walked over to the car lot, leaving Callum looking back at him, smiling to himself.

eleventh february

Callum, as usual on a weekday morning, stood at the front desk of the café, deep into a conversation with Kathy whilst he waited for his takeaway teas and breakfast. It had become somewhat of a tradition lately, and Kathy knew to have his order started before he even walked through the entrance. The door opened behind him, letting the early morning February wind gust its way in. Lola walked in, with Lexi by her side.

“School run?” Callum asked Lola, and then directed his speech to the younger girl. “Y’alright Lex?”

The pair of them had a special relationship, with Callum being wrapped around Lexi’s little finger.

“Callum when are you baking cakes with me again? Daddy’s rubbish!” Lexi asked, curling her arms around Callum’s waist as best she could.

Callum smiled. He’d heard all about how Ben cremated the cupcakes he had tried to make with Lexi only a couple of nights ago. “You’re off school next week ain’t ya?” Callum asked. Lexi nodded, wild smile on her face. “I’ll come around, we can teach your dad how to make them proper.”

“Here,” Lola said, holding out an envelope to Callum. “Have to give you this.”

“You an’ all?” Callum asked, reaching out to take it from Lola. She just nodded, proud grin on her face as she stroked her hand through Lexi’s hair, detangling any knots the wind outside had created.

“What’s this?” Kathy asked, not one to pass up the opportunity to know the latest bit of gossip.

Callum ignored her temporarily as he began to open the letter. Lola explained instead. “Callum’s got a secret admirer. He’s getting letters for Valentines.”

“Ohh,” Kathy exhaled. “Oh. From you know who?” she asked, the realisation suddenly dawning on her.

Lola nodded. “Yup! Finally.”

Callum looked up then. “Does everyone know who this bloke is apart from me?”

Kathy and Lola shared a look. “Yes.” They both said at the same time.

“Even I know who it is.” Lexi commented, taking a slice of toast from Kathy’s hands.

Lola laughed, putting her hands on Lexi’s shoulders, ushering her to the door before she said anything more. “And on that note. School, missus.”

Callum waved goodbye, before looking down at the letter in his hands and reading it.

‘Music means a lot to you Callum. We’ve had some fun times together, but none as funny as that time we went to a karaoke bar.’

Callum remembered that night fondly. It was his and Ben’s annual birthday night out, and everyone they knew poured into the bar, already drunk and willing to go on the karaoke machine. Before the end of the night, Callum was forced up there, singing a duet to Islands in the Stream with Lola. Everyone was in hysterics as more and more people drunkenly volunteered to sing their best karaoke song, and it was soon decided between everyone that this was the best shared birthday night out yet.

twelfth february

“Halfway!” Mick shouted as Callum walked away from him, pint glass in hand. He had just come in for a drink or two after work for some respite, and quickly noticed that the entire pub was decorated in pinks and reds and hearts for the romantic season. It took him aback at first. “A certain someone left this behind the bar for you. Forgot to give it to ya.”

Callum walked back towards him and took the enveloped letter from Mick’s hand. “Cheers, Mick. I was just thinking I hadn’t got one today. Thought the bloke had decided he didn’t want to do it anymore.”

“Definitely not.” Mick said. “Just got a lot swirling around my nut, what with this partners quiz. Are you and Ben doing it?”

“We ain’t together?” Callum questioned. Surely Mick knew that?

Mick scratched his head. “Well,” he started. “the pair of you know each other well enough. Between you and me, I reckon L’s scared nobody’ll show up.”

Callum drank his pint and raised his eyebrows, thankful that someone called for Mick to pour them some drinks. He sat down at the table he was initially walking to, away from everyone to have an early evening drink in peace – about as peaceful as he could get in the heart of Walford, anyhow. Setting his pint glass down, Callum opened up his letter and took in what he was now being told.

‘Before you, I never thought I’d feel this way again.’

He frowned slightly, because Callum knew how that felt. He’d already been in love, at least, that’s what he believed. He didn’t really have much to compare it to, having never experienced much love around him as he grew up. But after that love had died, Callum was certain he’d never be lucky enough to experience it again. Not properly.

How wrong Callum of the past was.

thirteenth february

Callum stood outside the parlour, getting a bit of fresh air. It was bitterly cold, even despite the sun in the sky glistening down on him, allowing him to see the invisible ice that painted the street in front of him. It was early morning, everyone around him travelling to work or school, a bounce in their step knowing it was almost the end of the week. The stall owners set their livelihood up, rubbing their hands together to warm themselves up, preparing for their long day out in the wintery cold.

“Callum!” A gleeful voice shouted as he lifted his head up to the sky, breathing out a swirl of air and then he felt a weight to his side, small arms wrapping around him. “Uncle Jay’s taking me to school today!”

He put his hand on her head, stroking her hair gently, smiling down to her. Callum bent down, getting closer to Lexi to speak. “That’s good of him, isn’t it darlin’?”

She grinned and nodded. “He said we can come and see you too!” she said, jumping up and down. “I’ve got to give you a letter!”

Lexi took the envelope from her school book bag and told Callum to open it, with excitement evident in her voice.

“Sorry mate, she’s been buzzing to see you all morning.” Jay said, putting his hand on Callum’s shoulder.

Callum shook his head with a soft smile. “It’s alright. Always good to see my favourite little lady!” He said, sending a wink in Lexi’s direction. “How come you’re dropping her off at school then?”

Jay helped Lexi fasten up her book bag, and then looked up to Callum. “Lo’s been given an early appointment at the salon, and Ben’s doing some admin at the car lot, so they asked me to take her in.” He explained. “Right, c’mon missus, unless you want to be late, we need to get a shift on. Say bye bye to Callum.”

Lexi quickly moved to give Callum another hug, and Callum folded himself down to press a swift kiss to the top of her head. “Don’t forget to open the letter!”

“I won’t.” He promised. As if he could ever forget.

“See ya when I get back.” Jay smiled.

Callum nodded, “See ya.” And with that, he turned and walked back into the parlour, his cheeks flushed as pink as the seasonal items which crowded each stall. He looked down at the red envelope in his hands, and began to open it.

Inside was the now familiar folded letter, with the first symbol being extravagantly swirled and curled in on itself. He read it.

‘Ever since meeting you, I knew I would.’

He smiled, noticing that it was followed on from the last letter he had received, and the author was telling him how he feels about Callum. It brought a warmth to his heart, even though Callum still had no idea who it was that was behind these letters. He knows who he wishes was behind them though.

fourteenth february

The day had finally arrived. February fourteenth, Valentine’s day. It was marked with hearts printed on calendars, and the early morning radio host playing romantic love songs that everyone knew and loved. Callum smiled to himself as he tidied his house, having woken up earlier than he needed to be. In the background, ‘Love Is All Around’ played through the radio before the peaceful serenity of soft music and Callum tidying was broken by the buzzer for Callum’s flat chiming obnoxiously. He walked over to the phone, and picked it up.

“It’s Ben.” Said the voice on the other end of the speaker.

Callum smiled the second he heard Ben, his voice having the effect of being able to instantly relax Callum. “Come up.” He said, and moved away from the phone, waiting only a few seconds before Ben came through the door.

“Didn’t think you’d be up.” Ben commented, leaning against the door frame.

“Been awake for ages, thought I’d have a tidy up before I go to work.” Callum explained. “Want a cuppa?”

Ben nodded. “Yeah, go on then.”

Callum walked over to the kettle and flicked it on. “What brings you here anyway?”

“Your last letter, actually.” He explained, holding the envelope up for Callum to see it. “And I’m under strict instructions to be here when you open it.”

“At this point I feel like the only person in Walford who doesn’t know who this person is.” Callum joked, finishing the tea off for him and Ben, draining the tea bags and putting them in the bin.

“That’s because you’re oblivious to a lot of things Cal.” Ben chuckled to himself.

Callum rolled his eyes, swapping a mug for the envelope and sitting down on the sofa. Ben followed shortly after, taking a sip of tea in an almost useless attempt at calming his nerves. Callum opened the envelope, noticing that like all the others, it had a number attached, and the opening letter drawn eloquently with swirls and twists and curving in on itself. Like art. He breathed a deep sigh, and read it.

‘Now, I’m ready to tell you who I really am and how I feel.’

“What?” Callum breathed out, utterly confused. “There’s no name? How am I meant to know who it’s from?”

“Do you have all the letters?” Ben asked, trying to hide the blush that was surely covering his cheeks now.

Callum nodded and stood up, walking over to the drawer that he had transferred them all into, wanting to keep them all in one place. “Now what?” he asked as he carried them back over to the sofa, spreading them out on the table in front of them.

“There’s a hidden message.” Ben explained. “Put them all in order.”

It took Callum a moment, putting the letters in order of how he got them, and when he did, he leaned backwards for a second, looking at all of them spread out in front of him. “The first letter.” He muttered under his breath as he read the first letter of each note.

“From..Ben?” he worked out, voice low and shaky. “What?”

He turned his head, and saw Ben with a shy smile on his face, pink rising on his cheeks and his eyes watering, making them even bluer.

“I love you Callum.” He says, like it just felt right to say it. With an ease. As though he didn’t even have to think twice. “I have done for months. I just couldn’t find the right way or time to say it.”

Callum smiles shyly, looking down and biting his lip in a poor attempt to stop his smile spreading further across his face. “I love you too.”

“Serious?” Ben asked, wonderment struck on his face, eyes welling up with tears again. His voice caused shivers to cascade down Callum’s spine. “You’re not just saying that?”

Callum leaned closer to Ben, putting his hand on Ben’s cheek, letting his thumb rub up and down over his short stubble. “No. I’ve loved you since before I came out, I was just scared of telling you because I didn’t think in million years that you felt the same.”

“Course I do.” Ben breathed out. “Always will.”

Ben leaned forward, his hand coming up underneath Callum’s chin, holding him in a position and pressed their lips together, something both of them had wanted for months and months now. It felt natural. Like coming home. Callum smiled into the kiss, and Ben followed suit.

“God I love you so much.” Ben grinned, pulling away from the kiss for a moment before attaching his lips to Callum’s neck, pressing soft and gentle kisses to his skin. “Wait. I need to ask you something.”

He put his hand to either side of Callum’s face, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs, relaxing Callum completely. “Will you go out for a meal with me tonight? Like, a date?”

Callum grinned, shaking his head in disbelief for a second. “Of course I will. I’d be honoured.” He leaned forward and pressed another kiss to Ben’s lips, neither of them being able to be apart for more than a few seconds.

#bvd20 #ballum secret valentine #ben x callum #eastenders #ballum #fanfic

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cormacjelicich-blog · 5 years

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The Day That Was: Recalling the horror of the 2016 U.S Presidential Election.

It was approximately 7:30am when I awoke on the morning of November 9th, 2016. It was an important day, one I had been waiting on for many many months. I was a mix of nervousness and excitement. It was supposed to be the coda to a long, divisive and brutal presidential campaign. A new era of American politics was to surely be ushered in, or so we thought. November 8th or (the 9th in New Zealand) means wildly different things for different people. For supporters of Republican candidate Donald. J. Trump, his win was to be a sort of deliverance, their ceaseless faith in the controversial businessman rewarded after months of polls showing his campaign would fail miserably. In contrast, supporters of Hillary Clinton’s campaign were left confused and shattered. I fit into the latter category. I despised Trump and wanted him defeated terribly as I believed he had unearthed something insipid in the American psyche. I personally was not too fond of Hillary, but I still understood that the choice was unmistakably clear. On the morning of election day, I straddled conflicting feelings of hope and fear. The numbing feeling that maybe, just maybe he could win, never ceased to escape me. It was all that anyone at school could talk about. There was not much learning going on that day, and morning tea and lunch-time discussions inevitably turned to the upcoming election. I was quietly hopeful, arguing with a few avid Trump supporters that were annoyingly vocal at my all-boys Catholic high-school. I had faith in statistics and numbers and had always been a man that trusted polls.

(A tweet by renowned American Statistician, Nate Silver, showing that the Democrats would retake the senate)

Most of my morning was spent reading endless articles theorising on what the potential outcome of the election would be. There were articles on “Which celebrities will leave the U.S if Trump is elected” which I found amusing and strangely reassuring. Other tweets I distinctly remember include images of Hillary Clinton casting her vote in Chappaqua, NY or an image of Vice Presidential Candidate Mike Pence and his family casting their respective votes in Indianapolis, IN. The image that is forever seared into my brain from that day, however, is the picture of Donald Trump peering over onto his wife Melania’s ballot. For me, this picture exemplified Donald Trump’s distrust of women and blatant misogyny. What a dick, I thought, whilst scrolling through a seemingly endless barrage of political commentary and theory. At around 12.00pm in New Zealand, I remember the first results began pouring in. I was stuck in Computer Science class (my least favourite) The benefit of this was, of course, the computer which I used extensively to analyse the first results. My teacher, who already disliked me due to my incompetence with coding, caught me a few times and scolded me. The friend I was sitting next to in class kept peering over at my screen and asking questions. CNN’s bright red logo filling up my twitter feed is something I remember all too well.

(Results begin to pour in from Early Voting states: Vermont, Indiana and Kentucky)

Just past 1.00pm in New Zealand, it was lunch-time at school, and we all watched with bated breath, glued to our phones and laptops. The statistics began to turn against Clinton, whose original chance of winning levelled out at 98%. The number had now fallen to 78% and reports soon flooded in of Trump’s success in rural and ex-urban counties and regions. It was at this very moment that I began reckoning with the possibility of a Trump presidency. The numbers began to sour with every passing minute and soon enough I had lost faith in the statistics I had once trusted so very much. I recall form-time as a period of uncertainty. Reports began to show Trump’s unexpected success in several swing states — states crucial to winning the electoral college. By the end of the school day, I rushed home hurriedly and turned CNN on the television. Pundits were suggesting that the election was a toss-up or too close to call. The entire experience felt incrementally surreal and dream-like.

This cannot be happening, I thought to myself. I realised I had been naïve and had greatly underestimated the power of the Trump message. I realised American voters had chosen personality and populism over qualifications, plans and experience. My once squeaky clean view of America had been tarnished. His success appeared symptomatic of something much darker.

(An image showing Trump’s victory in the crucial swing-state of Ohio)

Later that night, my Aunt visited and we watched the unfolding horror live on Television. The graphs that pervaded social media almost seemed to mock me and wink at my credulity. Something on social media had never troubled me as much as seeing those graphs showing the possibility of a Trump Win at ‘95%’ At the same time, several Facebook Messenger group chats I was part of were unusually active. The messages that my friends were sending were characterised by a confusing mixture of anguish, disgust and humour. I have included a few screenshots of these group chats as I believe they are quite telling to the sombre, unexpected and upsetting nature of election day.

(Images taken from a few of my group chats with friends during the time where Trump looked poised to win the Presidency)

The election was so widely anticipated that in the wake of Clinton’s lose, some of my friends were too upset to even study for their exams or eat. The result felt catasphrophically upsetting. These messages show the ubiquitousness of the coverage on the election, and how easily it pervaded our everyday lives. Trump’s win created so much horror for a lot of people I knew. By 9.00pm that night, I remember a close friend streaming live on Facebook and discussing the election with an anger I did not know she was capable of. It was at that moment, as she broke down live on social media, that I understood how greatly Hillary’s loss had affected some people. I felt completely lost for the rest of that night, unable to sleep and paralysed with fear. I thought of my female friends who were forced to watch a candidate win the Presidency after flagrantly boasting about sexual assault. I thought of the LGBTQ community, a community that had already been through enough and now had to watch a man hold up the Pride flag with a smile painted across his face, a flag of which he had no business holding. And, finally, I thought of the many immigrants at my school, in my community and in my city, who had to see a man ascend to the highest office in America after using race and natioality as a tool to fire up voters. It all made me rather sick.

(Hillary Clinton concedes the Election to Donald Trump and apologises to the American people for losing the election.)

(Far-right internet talk show host Bill Mitchell celebrates Trump’s victory.)

(CNN commentator Van Jones argues that Trump’s win was due to backlash from white-middle class voters who felt left out and dissatisfied with government)

When I look back on the day of the 2016 United States Presidential Election almost three years on, it is easy to forget that I was not actually in America at the time of the election. The pervasive omnipresence of social media and mass-media allowed New Zealanders to believe, for just one day, that we were part of a humongous cultural and political event that could change the course of world history forever. As far as my personal experiences go, it felt as if I my well-being were at stake and in a sense it was. When I look back, I think more of the things I saw online and on Television rather than who I saw or where I was, which is quite telling to how cultural events may be experienced by individuals.

By Cormac Jelicich.

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desertbroad · 5 years

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kaj + (inverted) tropes: part two! * * i don’t know all the actual Official TM names for these tropes, so most are made up. also, you might notice the regular trope list (part 1 of this headcanon) is significantly longer. this is because kaj has a few main inverted tropes but tons more regular ones, since tropes are like atoms: they make up everything. i just wanted to focus on the few inversions that created her character and let the rest come naturally! under a read more for length. ** also as of 7/6/19 part one isn’t done yet. yes i know please don’t shame me ok IM GETTING TO IT

fridged woman (aka back from the dead)—

for this one i took inspiration from laura moon from american gods, with a few tweaks (love neil gaiman, but some of the things about her character are...a bit squicky). unlike a good number of women in media, kaj isn’t shoved over gently and pronounced dead so that a man can grow from her pain. in fact, she’s shot in the head twice, pronounced dead, & buried. while her “death” means more pain and character development for the characters surrounding her, it means pain and character development for her, too. truth be told, she survives a hell of a lot more than any average person should, especially one with her low luck stat. half of this is the fun and wacky way new vegas’ world works (obviously, no real person could survive all this), but also because of her good ol’ courier determination. things that should’ve fridged kaj but haven’t include: two shots to the head, numerous combat scrapes, being stabbed, having her brain/heart/spine removed, having a bomb collar attached to her neck, killing an entire fortification of trained legionnaires, stepping on landmines, etc etc. the courier is pretty much the bruce willis of fallout.

world ending vengeance—

specifically applies to certain characters. while most others who piss kaj off get the full brunt of her wrath (see: caesar, mr. house, elijah, general oliver, ulysses), benny, along with dr. mobius & the think tank & mcnamara*, get a pass. in fact, she lets him go not once or twice, but on three separate occasions, even knowing he’s likely to betray her again. the reason why? not even kaj knows. some people speculate it’s because she likes him / slept with him (incorrect; she liked house to a degree, and slept with caesar); others speculate it’s because they’re so similar (also incorrect; she shared an alarming number of similarities with ulysses & elijah). the theory that comes closest to the truth is that she pities him. it fits in line her past behavior with mobius & the think tank, who were physically unable to see the effects of their actions and thus were spared a horrible fate. likewise, kaj seems to have judged benny to be innocent in her own personal court, and though he continues to be a thorn in her side again and again, she refuses to “sentence” him for anything. it helps his cause that his plan helped her take over vegas, and he created yes man, one of the only living beings she’s ever fully trusted. also a slight inversion of kaj’s maneater / black widow trope; the one person she truly should seduce and kill, she doesn’t.

that said, benny doesn’t get away from their encounters without any punishment—after narrowly escaping being crucified, both kaj and benny have matching rope burns around their wrists. it’s her morbid idea of a joke.

*mcnamara doesn’t fit within this trope, but kaj spares the bos for veronica & christine’s sake, despite yes man’s warnings. also for the off chance that they might convert to being her allies (they don’t, and this choice helps lend itself to more BOS trouble all over the wasteland).

white man cowboy—

kind of a simple inversion that’s been done before, but an important one and one that i like a lot. for starters, the “john wayne” cowboy is a bastardization of a history that was made up of ethnic minorities and whitewashed for hollywood aesthetic (also fuck you john wayne). while none of my research has come up with anything about women of color or nonbinary people in the western scene, only moc (whether this is intentional or not, i’m not sure), i still wanted to write kaj as non-male. frankly, this is because i wanted her to be an inversion of tired tropes, and that included being a debonair, byronic woman / non gender conforming hero (think gentleman jack) instead of a debonair, byronic white dude. we’ve got 20 of those for every fleshed out woman/enby on screen, lbr. kaj is also a femme fatale, but only by coincidence; she’s more of a wandering heart breaker than a necessarily dangerous woman, much like many of the heroes on screen.

i also find that non-men of color are one of the most underrepresented minorities in fiction—even media that celebrates diversity simplifies them down (hamilton), or centers their narrative and entire purpose around a man (hamilton, again). nevermind nonbinary people / trans folk. for that reason, i wanted kaj’s story to be about a woman of color / someone who doesn’t conform to expectations and doesn’t allow herself to be put in the sidelines for a white person or a male to lead her life. and regardless of whether a woman filling this swaggering, womanizing cowboy role is accurate to history or not, fallout’s setting lends itself an air of exaggeration, so i felt it was appropriate to include her here, instead of arguing with people over whether someone like her existed in actual history (my suspicions say yes, and that these people have simply been erased from the narrative for the convenience of certain people’s feelings, but still).

smarter than you look / deadly doctor (this one actually has a tvtropes page! look it up!)—

from the deadly doctor page : ‘ surely the ultimate example of the morally ambiguous doctorate. one reason for this is due to all his/her training : while having advanced knowledge on the human body can be used to save people, it also gives all the knowledge on how to injure and kill people with minimal effort by knowing all the body's weak points. some more sympathetic examples equate to the medical version of a well-intentioned extremist, who may certainly have good (or at least sympathetic/understandable) intentions but ruthless medical ethics. ’

one of the most important things kaj took from her thorough education is medical training—unable to depend on anyone after being traumatized, trusting any doctor who happened along to treat her illnesses was out of the question. she was also smart enough to know the original kaj wouldn’t be around to heal her up forever. thus, she began her training as a self preservation instinct; but over time, as she grew and relearned how to be compassionate and empathetic, she decided to use healing for good, too. trained as a young girl by the original kaj, and then later trained officially as a combat medic by the ncr, kaj has spent a countless amount of hours inside army tents, healing wounds and assisting doctors with tough cases. she even keeps a medical bag on her person for exactly that sort of situation (especially since supplies in the mojave aren’t exactly easy to dig up). though she’s a big scientist in general (the big mt saw to that), medicine is her specialty. she’s even stitched up her own wounds, though it’s not something she particularly enjoys (it takes a lot of whiskey and something for her to bite down on).

for reference, consider this scene of anton from no country for old men (TW: he’s performing self surgery, so it’s pretty gruesome). though both anton and kaj’s lifestyles are rough and even sadistic at times, they both still have medical training—if not to protect others, then to at least protect themselves. and like anton, it shows kaj’s inability to trust anyone with her most important commodity: herself. this makes her surgery in the big empty doubly as horrifying, given she took specific pains for something like this to not happen. it’s why she refuses to leave without all of her organs (also, stubbornness). all of this is just one of the ways kaj is way more ... well, everything than she looks. which leads into...

underestimate me if you dare, aka femme fatale (sort of?)—

though fallout prides itself on being a soft reset on the world, people’s perceptions of minorities are still ... iffy, due to real world influences by the creators. thus, the people around kaj often jump to assumptions about her based on her identity—mostly, that she’s weak. once, it offended her, but now it’s a perception that she encourages. after all, she’s not flat out strong like your usual hero, but is more of a hamlet-type; smart, perceptive, fast, and willing to strike from the shadows. it’s hard to do any of that if you’re putting on a big performance about your power (though admittedly, she’s been known to go big or go home if she’s planning on killing everyone; if she’s not faking nice and telling you what you wanna hear, trouble’s ahead).

of course, the reality is that kaj is a powerhouse. but these perceptions about her supposed weakness are why posing as a legion member is so easy—those who think she’s weak underestimate her or keep their distance, which gives her leave to do what she wants. she’s viewed more like a pet than a person by most, and though it frustrates her at times to pretend, it also gives her leave to do more, than if she were to simply pose as a man.

all that said, kaj doesn’t exactly qualify as a femme fatale. most of her lovers are just information givers, and they escape from their interaction unharmed. kaj killing her bed mates is actually less likely than her just sparing them and letting them go, none the wiser. of course, you kill one tyrant (maybe two or three) and suddenly you’re a black widow—

#headcanon.#long post //#sb: if you love benny so much why dont you make a blog for him #me: THAT OPENS THE DOOR................#if i make one for benny i will make one for every one of my fnv faves and it will just be a MESS !!!#anyway hi heres the basis of kaj's character in a neat post !#i think i got everything

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awed-frog · 6 years

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hiya *waves* ... a couple days ago you had a post about death--about living well? The oldest living generation in my family have started dying. (It feels so odd to say it like that. but.) It feels like my family is stuck in endless loops of grief. Do you have any advice for making the sadness a little easier to bear? Thank you very much for your time.

I’m sorry you’re going through that. I know exactly what it’s like, because my family is 90% old or oldish people, and it’s so damn hard, isn’t it? Thank you for trusting me to give you advice on this - here is my best attempt at an answer on this complicated topic.

Some say we now find it harder to bear death because we’re not used to it anymore. Very few of us kill our own food, child mortality is exceedingly rare (in luckier countries, that is) and old age is generally disguised, disregarded and hidden away as much as possible. Even funerals, which used to be held in the family home, have become a business (I think around the late nineteenth century, which makes it a very recent development): nowadays, dead people are ferreted away, washed by professionals, dolled up, even pumped full of questionable chemicals so they’ll look ‘healthy’, ‘serene’, and ‘at peace’. I know people who prevent children from visiting older relatives and seeing them after their death, and even going to the funeral, because ‘it’s too much for them’.

(I disagree, by the way. I think it’s good to show children everyone’s different and getting old is a thing, and it’s better to give them a chance to say goodbye, to understand a loved one is truly gone, so they can process it and ask questions about it. Some of my younger students were left traumatized by hidden deaths in the family, and it was heartwrenching to watch.)

I think there’s some truth in all that; but on the other hand, I also see this idea of ‘people getting used to death because shorter life span’ as a bit of a myth. If you read letters from Antiquity, or go through tombstone inscriptions, you find a lot of people ravaged by grief. The fact it was common to lose children and spouses didn’t make it particularly easier to bear.

I don’t know that I can answer your question with anything worth hearing or sharing, because I haven’t found a good way to deal with grief myself. There are days I can be okay with it, and I’m happy and grateful for the time I had with my loved ones, and can imagine they’ll never be truly gone (I’m not sure that I believe in Paradise, but I like the idea that the matter making up our bodies simply goes on to become something else: the old wisdom vita mutatur, non tollitur readapted for the age of science, if you will), and then sometimes it all seems pointless, and pointlessly sad.

What I learned, however, is most of our sufferings come from one thing: we find it very hard to accept change.

Poet and historian Hillel Schwartz once said the biggest challenge when facing old age, a life-threatening illness or a sudden disability is not the practical side of it (for instance, that you can’t walk anymore), but the certainty that without this specific thing you can no longer do, you’re no longer yourself. He encourages people to find their sense of self in more profound things, because most of us build it by relying on stuff that’s not permanent and can disappear at any moment (our family, our job, our favourite sport or hobby). I heard him speak two years ago, but I still think about that regularly, because it’s hard, isn’t it, to know who you are without these external supports we take for granted in our daily life (walking, running, a salary, a mother and father, your best friend)?

And I think the same is true for grief. When you grieve for someone, your grieve for two lives lost: your loved one’s, and your own. You grieve because the person you were with them no longer exist. You’ll never again be someone’s grandchild. That’s gone forever. That side of your personality you only shared with this person, the inside jokes, the quiet moments of affections, the secrets you kept for them or they kept for you - that’s finished. A piece of your sould that’s just missing. And my best guess here is that, like Hillel Scwhartz said, you need to accept you can function as yourself without that relationship in your life - which takes time, of course, and it’s easier said than done.

We know Japanese noblemen cultivated this quest of your deepest, most intimate and essential self by doing three things, which I think we can all practice to try and overcome our saddest moments.

First of all, there are the famous reflections on the worst case scenario. Nobody wants to think about their own death, or your loved one’s death, or other traumatic events like a severe illness, losing your job or your home, but there’s a theory that by staving off those thoughts, what happens is that you’ll be even more afraid of them (because ignorance breeds fear) and completely unprepared when the thing actually comes. That’s why samurais thought about their own deaths a lot, and research shows that being prepared - for anything, and especially for the worst - is a very good way to reduce anxiety and unhappiness. It’s particularly good to gently encourage ageing relatives to make plans for their future lives on living arrangements, medical care and so on.

Meditation is another good way to force the mind to be still and be more present and more aware of why you think and feel the way you do, and it’s also been proven to have health benefits. Plus, as a Zen abbot told me, when you sit in meditation for a long time, you ultimately start to realize all things are equal - that you’re not ‘wasting time’ by doing that, because objective reality is an illusion, and things only assume meaning depending on your attachment to them.

Finally, something I like about Japanese and other Eastern cultures is that they are quite happy to celebrate impermanence. In Japan, you get an entire nation obsessing over cherry blossoms - a phenomenon that only lasts a few days; in the Himalayas, monks spend a ridiculous amount of time creating intricate sand mandalas, which will then be destroyed. In the West, we take a completely opposite view, and that’s one reason why we’re such hoarders and we give such special meaning to old movie ticket stubs, clothes we no longer wear, and hideous childhood crafts everybody’s secretly ashamed of.

(Also feelings of hurt and resentment which can dog us for years, even after the person we’re angry with is long dead.)

All of those techniques will hopefully lead to a quieter, calmer mind, which still experiences feelings but is not dominated by them. A concept we tend to associate with Buddhism, but that’s actually hailed as as the recipe to happiness in many cultures (through independent philosophical thinking or cross-contamination? that, I don’t know).

When you manage to overcome your own mind, you overcome myriad concerns, rise above all things, and are free. When you are overcome by your own mind, you are burdened by myriad concerns, subordinate to things, unable to rise above. Mind your mind; guard it resolutely. Since it is the mind that confuses the mind, don’t let your mind give in to your mind. (Suzuki Shosan, 1579-1655)

I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free. (Nikos Kazantzakis, 1923)

The bitter truth about being mortal and self-aware is that saying goodbye to an old, beloved relative is not only part of life: it’s the best option for everyone involved. Living to eighty or ninety, having the opportunity, the time and the emotional skill to forge deep bonds of affection with those around you - that’s something we can all aspire to. But in order to fully understand and accept that, we need to reverse our traditional way of thinking.

Becoming more mindful and more tolerant of impermanence is a long journey, but I honestly believe it leads to a better life. I think the best thing you can do now, and what I’m trying to do myself, is to be there for your older relatives and deepen that connection, while also focusing on the life they will not see: you as an adult, as a parent perhaps, as an older person. Nurture your mind and soul, be curious, be passionate, be patient. Enjoy the present without fretting about the future or regretting the past. Breathe.

(Oh - and here is my favourite poem about grief - I find it helps.)

#ask #grief for ts #death for ts #zen #life advice #life tips #passing on some wisdom i picked up #and i'm still trying to learn myself #i hope you'll feel better soon <3

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littlesmokecloud-yan · 6 years

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You know what...

I’m kinda tired of the “major” hullabaloo that goes on with any “sexual assault case” against celebrities.

If you support the woman in the situation, you’re an “SJW”.

If you support the man in the situation, you “hate women”.

If you’re middle-ground, you’re an “enabler”.

But, really, how do we truly know who’s lying?

We all have theories, we all think we know the situation well, but if/when it’s revealed that the person we were supporting was the one who was lying, people will still be on the defence, claiming that the evidence is fake, bring up really old, debunked evidence, and bashing on anyone who disagrees.

At what point do we take a collective step back, and let things play out without going at people’s throats for disagreeing with us?

I get it, it’s disheartening when the celebrity you like is being scrutinized for things you feel they wouldn’t do. It can be frustrating when people drag that celebrity, despite lacking verified proof, or the only proof they have is hearsay.

(Personal views about certain celebrities under the “Keep Reading”. Not entirely negative of either member; mostly just hesitancy)

This, in particular, is about the Vic vs Monica, and Depp vs Heard “cases”, but I’m sure this can apply to other situations like this and are a bit cloudy and the specifics.

I was middle-ground with Vic, but, then, after I remembered hearing about some “questionable things” he did, when I was younger, I started to doubt my views on him.

I appreciate the work his done, and I still won’t hate his work, but it’s difficult to hold a positive view on him when I’ve heard many negative things about him.

I hardly know Monica, besides her role as Bulma, and maybe she did lie about what Vic did to her. Maybe it was a situation that was blown way out of proportion.

Even I’ve been guilty of assuming a “harmless gesture” was a hidden motive. Mainly because of a certain man who broke my trust. Since then, I’ve been hesitant around men. It’s not something I can instantly fix, but I am working to put aside that experience, and try and be open again (...as much as I can; personal preferences and all).

I don’t know if that’s the situation for Monica, and she just blew it way past what really happened, but, I don’t know, I wasn’t physically there when things apparently happened between her and Vic.

So, my stance on the Vic vs Monica situation is this:

I’m hesitant about Vic, because of what I’ve heard in the past, but I’m also hesitant to believe Monica because of what I’ve heard from others.

It’s a frustrating stance to be on, but I can’t fully say I’m with or against either of them, because I just don’t know what actually happened.

Moving onto Depp vs Heard...

Well, first off, I should say, I’ve been a fan of Depp since the first Pirates of the Caribbean. However, that didn’t stop me from questioning my views of him when this thing with Heard came up.

I had an internal battle; I wanted to believe him, but I was worried my appreciation of Depp would cloud my views on Heard (who at the time, I knew absolutely nothing about), and could’ve potentially harmed her if I supported Depp.

Keep in mind, this all popped up while I was still actively being abused by the aforementioned man (who broke my trust, also different form of abuse), so I wanted to believe her because I was unable to speak out against the man who abused me.

Plus, people were shitting on Heard about her bruises that seemed to “disappear” within a day. I kept in mind that concealer exists and makeup can be used to cover up many things, so I didn’t really believe them.

So... I remained middle-ground.

I still appreciate Depp’s work, but, at the time, I was hesitant of showing any form of excitement for the recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie/s. I let myself become apathetic when it came to Depp. But, at that time, people were shooting down Depp left and right, and, even though I tried to be apathetic about it, I felt bad that I had a sliver of hope that he was innocent.

I was kinda relieved when Depp’s evidence against Heard came out, but I still saw people saying that Heard’s evidence “clearly” shows Depp’s guilt.

It’s at this stage I have to confess that...

I think they’re both guilty.

Both sides have “hard” evidence against each other, both sides have come out with bruises. It feels wrong to stand with either of them when they both could potentially be guilty.

Sorry, that was a long post, but... I had to write it. I feel so conflicted like it’s wrong to defend any of them, and it’s mostly due to how everyone else reacts to anyone who disagrees with them.

You’re either an SJW, a women hater, or an enabler, and I think things are just too complicated to call anyone any of those things.

#long post #vic vs monica #depp vs heard #just some personal views #I've tried to be as middle-ground as possible #maybe that makes me a bad person #but with what I know #I can't definitively say whether a person is lying or telling the truth #it's not really up to me to decide

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secretgamergirl · 6 years

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The New McCarthyism

Today is International Trans Day of Visibility, which is as good a day as any for me to write about a very serious issue trans people are facing, which really needs more mainstream attention. Trans people are being actively erased from public visibility, in a surprisingly literal sense, and we have been for quite some time.

Back in the 1940s-50s, there was this nasty little thing called the Hollywood blacklist. In theory it was an effort to deal with dangerous spies, but in practice it lead to a massive witch hunt, where anyone who anyone had a big enough problem with would be painted as an enemy of the state, and any denial of such was presented as “proof” because “that’s just what a communist would say!” This was part of a general trend now referred to as McCarthyism to just arbitrarily paint people as “dangerous” and deny them any sort of career or platform to defend themselves. And of course various forms of prejudice piggybacked along on this, with LGBT people in Hollywood in particular being quite paranoid for the decade.

Those lists were backed up with fear of inquisition from specially created government committees, but mainly enforced by studio executives and others holding the reins of power passing around lists of people not to work with, making it nearly impossible for anyone targeted to find employment. The modern blacklist though is much more efficient, preventing those targeted (mostly trans people and those willing to stick up for us) from finding employment or even holding conversations, in a more or less entirely automated process. To explain just how that works though, first we need to have a brief discussion about Twitter.

Twitter represents a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Stand-Up comics use it as a quick way to test new material. Corporations use it as one of many vectors for for making announcements and PR statements (along with very bizarre one on one interactions with people mentioning their products). A lot of people use it as their primary vector for socialization, sending messages to friends, posting personal announcements, party invites, and so on. Some people use it as a news source, particularly those who have a particular special interest, as informal networks passing around story links make it impressively easy to stay up to date on every development of a certain type. Anyone doing any sort of creative work uses it for all their networking. And of course, radicalized bigots use it as a means of coordinating attacks against targets of whatever minority status they have a particular interest in that day. We’ll come back to that point, but allow me a moment to elaborate on the networking.

Personally, I wear a lot of different hats. I’m a game designer. I’m an artist. I’m a writer, of both news and fiction. I’m a professional critic. And I’m an activist for a number of causes. All of these fields depend on networking. And all of these fields have somehow decided that that networking is going to take place almost, or entirely, on twitter. I was hugely reluctant, personally, to ever register a Twitter account, and spent a few very confused years watching my carefully curated network of e-mail lists, message boards, and gossipy industry friends dry up completely. Having properly established a foothold in twitter however, I have lightning fast access to the ability to find work. Within an hour of anyone having the idle thought to ask if anyone out there has experience writing about a topic I have an interest in, that request will have flowed through whatever network is relevant in a string of reposts, landing right in front of me, along with a few quick tools for me to work out if the person making this request is someone I’d actually want to work with and vice versa. Literally every cent I have earned, job I have interviewed for, and update about a cause I’m concerned with has come to me this way, and only this way, since registering a Twitter account. Without one, I’d be completely unable to work in any of these fields.

Unfortunately, as anyone who relies on Twitter for their profession and lacks the luxury of being a white cis man, Twitter has a rather pronounced nazi problem. That is to say, neo-nazi organizations have come to the realization that they will face zero repercussions for using the site as a vector to launch absolutely vicious or even criminal attacks on their targets. As Twitter has made it abundantly clear that no real measures will be taken to address this under the current management, the only real tool available to the userbase is a block feature which prevents direct mentions from a blocked user to display to the user imposing the block (although these messages will still display for everyone else), and preventing the blocked user from viewing their posts (without first signing out or opening a private window).

Enter blocktogether.org, a site where any Twitter user can share a list of everyone they’ve ever blocked with subscribers, refreshing with each new block. If you were to subscribe to my Block Together list for instance, you would instantly block the several thousand malicious trolls I’ve blocked over the years for sending me harassing messages, plua a handful of people I happened to take personal offense to, and you would automatically block the next batch of 100 trolls I weed out of my twitter replies without any further input or notification. The appeal as a stopgap for an essentially unmoderated website is clear, as should be the mental image of a clique of bratty high school children lording The List as an instrument of social power. Note also the handy links to automatically block all newly registered accounts, or those with low post counts.

Originally, typical usage of Block Together involves picking a particular favored celebrity whose list to subscribe to, filtering from your view anyone that celebrity has taken issue with. In 2014 however, in the face of a massive neo-nazi uprising on twitter, a woman named Randi Harper hit upon the idea of writing a script to scan through twitter’s database of users, identify anyone following the majority of a list of known neo-nazi leaders, compiling them into a list which an automated twitter account would then block, updating daily, for a theoretical constantly updated list of every neo-nazi account, which combined with Block Together would preemptively keep them all out. A number of other lists followed suit, using similar logic to target members of other violent reactionary groups.

For a brief window, when Twitter’s neo-nazi insurgency was in its infancy, and individual hate groups and botnet owners were using the site to coordinate, and totally indiscriminate in choosing new targets, these lists were largely considered to be a necessity to make the site usable for anyone working in certain fields, particularly reporters, civil rights activists, game designers, and anyone working in the entertainment industry. As a result, Harper became a minor celebrity, whose personal Block Together list was subscribed to by much of Hollywood, the press, and those in activist circles, as neo-nazis worked out how to easily circumvent the automated list.

Unfortunately, Harper is not a conscientious, responsible, career activist, but a random computer programmer with a short temper and some serious personal biases and bigotries. In particular, her personal list of blocks contains hundreds of trans people, and vocal supporters thereof. Anyone subscribing to her Block Together list, advertised as “almost entirely” nazis, inadvertently blocks a significant trans population. Anyone raising this subject to Harper is also immediately placed on the list, and animosity over the subject once caused her to personally write a post on the reddit board of the very neo-nazis her list was created to thwart, encouraging those sending death threats to her and her son over the manufactured scandal of the day to instead target “Someone that goes on long unstable diatribes, thinks I'm a terf [a term for members of a particular dangerous hate group targeting trans women], yells a lot about Jesse [Singal, another notorious figure in trans circles, with a history of both fetishizing trans women and writing propaganda pieces designed to erode trans people’s rights, and repopularize conversion therapy for trans children].“

This post lead to immediate attacks against every trans person with any notable Twitter presence, along with our extended families, ranging from death threats, to abusive calls to elderly relatives, to coordinated efforts spread possible addresses, e-mail accounts, and phone numbers far and wide to aid in SWAT attacks and similarly dangerous behavior. There was, of course, absolutely no public outcry or acknowledgement of this, as both victims and those inclined to speak on their behalf had already been added to Harper’s Block Together list, which was subscribed to by exactly the sort of media voices who make it a point to raise awareness of such incidents.

Here lies the most obvious danger of this new form of McCarthyism. If a particular Block Together list is widely adopted within a given circle of people, the maintainer of that list can abuse their power, adding the names of those they’d like to see disappear for the pettiest of reasons, those so added effectively vanish from that circle completely, unable to explain what happened. The effectiveness of this is further strengthened by the sheer pervasiveness of these lists, making it unclear exactly which “anti-nazi” list one may have been added to, the intensity of the taboo Twitter users place on objecting to being blocked (bearing in mind that even those of us doing so by hand typically have thousands of trolls whining about having been blocked by us, and the impossibility of distinguishing the name of a complete stranger from the dozen people shouting slurs at us last week), and the fact that a subscriber to a list will not automatically block anyone they manually follow. So, hypothetically, if you were to be added to Harper’s list, and conferred with friends in an attempt to determine why you were suddenly cut off from interacting with the entertainment industry at large, those friends subscribed to that list would be just as in the dark as you.

Harper is far from alone in abusing Block Together in this fashion, and it is alarmingly common for trans people to suffer the most. Long lists of innocent trans people get discreetly added into lists advertised as filtering out misogynists, racists, homophobes, and the just recently, even a list explicitly created to shut out anti-trans bigots had one of its administrators load in a staggering number of trans people in an act of pure frustration and malice.

Often, these lists will note that a certain percentage of those blocked will be false positives, phrased in a way that makes them sound like acceptable casualties of war. A handful of strangers you’d never likely interact with to begin with losing access to you seems like a small price to pay for shutting 100,000 bigots out of your life, after all, but this is completely inexcusable when looked at from the other side of the equation.

As mentioned earlier, for people in many careers, unfettered Twitter access is a basic requirement in order to be able to work at all. As a freelance game designer, the entire industry inadvertently blacklisting you prevents you from ever responding to an open call. A struggling actor can’t learn about potential roles. A reporter can’t pitch story ideas to editors. A freelance artist can’t circulate a portfolio. This sort of thing is particularly devastating to the trans community at large, because we face intense discrimination in face to face interactions. As an unusually large and hairy woman, people find my presence uncomfortable, and routinely immediately reject me immediately as I sit down for any sort of interview. A man who comes across as slight and feminine has similar problems, and non-binary people unnerve potential employers in ways they can’t even put into words. This forces us into creative fields, the gig economy, and freelance work in general, where again, a single petty person throwing our names into a list can completely block off entire career paths along with our means to object.

Additionally, Block Together lists don’t actually have any real impact on combating the sort of mass harassment they’re touted as a cure for. Practically none of those hundred thousand accounts a given list might claim to block are actually active. As there are no real limits to a single person setting up an absurd number of Twitter accounts, those inclined to use the site as a vector of abuse have thousands if not millions of spare, disposable accounts, set up years ago as “sleeper agents,” destined to be used in a one-off flyby attack, and then never used again, at least against the same target, and if they ever run out, registering new ones isn’t a particular barrier.

Even after establishing that the abuse of these blacklists is something to take seriously, dealing with them is a seriously daunting task. The first barrier of course is raising awareness. This very article is bound to have a hard time making inroads with those who need to be made aware of the issue because they’re cut off from so many of those affected. Even once one is aware though, unsubscribing from one of these lists does nothing to undo the damage to those added to it.

Consider for instance the somewhat high profile case of Wil Wheaton (Star Trek: The Next Generation, Stand by Me, The Big Bang Theory, Tabletop). Wheaton is a genuinely well-meaning celebrity, concerned with mass-abuse campaigns, and an avid supporter of Block Together, having circulated his own blocks for some time, and being one of the first to subscribe to Harper’s aforementioned list. Due to the nature of Block Together, subscribing to Harper’s list caused all of her personal petty blocks and odd grudge against trans people in general to propagate to Wheaton, and from there, anyone subscribing to his list, or a list belonging to one of his subscribers.

Having over three million followers and a very good reputation, Wheaton’s list being infected in this manner was absolutely devastating to those spitefully added by Harper, becoming an incredibly far reaching blacklist. Upon being made aware of this situation thanks to a friend sharing an earlier piece on this subject, Wheaton promptly unsubscribed from Harper’s list, and manually unblocked those he was directly made aware had been affected. Unfortunately, Block Together’s functionality has no real “undo” button. Every block Wheaton acquired from Harper remains after unsubscribing from her list, and remains for everyone unsubscribing from Wheaton’s.

The only way for those placed on the blacklist to regain a normal level of access to the site would be to compile a list of those affected by blacklists of this nature (this Twitter account incidentally explicitly follows the best such list its creator is aware of), and for every individual to have subscribed to, really, any Block Together list at any point, to personally run threw these false positives, by hand, unblocking each one. Again, it’s difficult enough to spread awareness of the situation to everyone who would need to take action to remedy it, and said necessary action is frankly a fairly involving task, which for any individual is going to feel like a lot of work for no real benefit, either for themselves, or for the random strangers whose lives they are impacting in a very abstract, single drop in a vast ocean sort of way.

The practical upshot of all of this is that any given person with the ability to market a Block Together list is capable of doing massive, life-ruining damage to anyone who relies on Twitter for their livelihood, instantaneously, at any time, with virtually no chance of it ever coming to light, and even less chance of that damage ever being undone. And this is routinely used by people whose positions make them seemingly the last sort to ever do so to completely destroy the livelihoods of trans people en masse, while also making it nearly impossible for us to even beg for support in the aftermath.

I have no real solution for this problem. The best I can do is plead that you never subscribe to a Block Together list, and raise awareness of this issue, possibly by linking out this article. A lot of people I know, myself included are facing homelessness thanks to the brutal efficiency of this discrimination tactic, and even those devastating results are rendered invisible.

#tdov #trans awareness #discrimination

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salty-medley · 6 years

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After all that time wondering what those strange 5 letters personality things meaned...

EDIT : I didn’t know this thing could have so much reactions ( don’t laugh, you tumblr celebrity who have 13258 comments at each post, 1 comment is a lot for me ! ) and be se more seriously than the random personality test you could find in any feminine magazine. So to be clear : NO I don’t take any test seriously, as I said in the comments if it fits it’s cool, if not well... It’s ok too. But that post revealed something I already know : lot of people took everything too seriously. All the things which are in bold are true for me. Coincidence ? Maybe. But seriously who cares ? And it taught me something: if you want to have comments, just put “ #16 personalities” in the tags, it worked well today.

I jumped on it instead of working. Jk it’s my break time.

So apparently I’m a INTP - T , or a “Logician“, an analyst .

“ LOGICIAN PERSONALITY (INTP, -A/-T)Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.The Logician personality type is fairly rare, making up only three percent of the population, which is definitely a good thing for them, as there’s nothing they’d be more unhappy about than being “common”. Logicians pride themselves on their inventiveness and creativity, their unique perspective and vigorous intellect. Usually known as the philosopher, the architect, or the dreamy professor, Logicians have been responsible for many scientific discoveries throughout history.Logicians are known for their brilliant theories and unrelenting logic – in fact, they are considered the most logically precise of all the personality types.They love patterns, and spotting discrepancies between statements could almost be described as a hobby, making it a bad idea to lie to a Logician. This makes it ironic that Logicians’ word should always be taken with a grain of salt – it’s not that they are dishonest, but people with the Logician personality type tend to share thoughts that are not fully developed, using others as a sounding board for ideas and theories in a debate against themselves rather than as actual conversation partners.This may make them appear unreliable, but in reality no one is more enthusiastic and capable of spotting a problem, drilling through the endless factors and details that encompass the issue and developing a unique and viable solution than Logicians – just don’t expect punctual progress reports. People who share the Logician personality type aren’t interested in practical, day-to-day activities and maintenance, but when they find an environment where their creative genius and potential can be expressed, there is no limit to the time and energy Logicians will expend in developing an insightful and unbiased solution.Wisdom Begins in Wonder They may appear to drift about in an unending daydream, but Logicians’ thought process is unceasing, and their minds buzz with ideas from the moment they wake up. This constant thinking can have the effect of making them look pensive and detached, as they are often conducting full-fledged debates in their own heads, but really Logicians are quite relaxed and friendly when they are with people they know, or who share their interests. However, this can be replaced by overwhelming shyness when Logician personalities are among unfamiliar faces, and friendly banter can quickly become combative if they believe their logical conclusions or theories are being criticized.When Logicians are particularly excited, the conversation can border on incoherence as they try to explain the daisy-chain of logical conclusions that led to the formation of their latest idea. Oftentimes, Logicians will opt to simply move on from a topic before it’s ever understood what they were trying to say, rather than try to lay things out in plain terms.The reverse can also be true when people explain their thought processes to Logicians in terms of subjectivity and feeling. Imagine an immensely complicated clockwork, taking in every fact and idea possible, processing them with a heavy dose of creative reasoning and returning the most logically sound results available – this is how the Logician mind works, and this type has little tolerance for an emotional monkey-wrench jamming their machines.Let Those Who Would Move the World First Move ThemselvesFurther, Logicians are unlikely to understand emotional complaints at all, and their friends won’t find a bedrock of emotional support in them. People with the Logician personality type would much rather make a series of logical suggestions for how to resolve the underlying issue, a perspective that is not always welcomed by their more sensitive companions. This will likely extend to most social conventions and goals as well, like planning dinners and getting married, as Logicians are far more concerned with originality and efficient results.The one thing that really holds Logicians back is their restless and pervasive fear of failure. Logician personalities are so prone to reassessing their own thoughts and theories, worrying that they’ve missed some critical piece of the puzzle, that they can stagnate, lost in an intangible world where their thoughts are never truly applied. Overcoming this self-doubt stands as the greatest challenge Logicians are likely to face, but the intellectual gifts – big and small – bestowed on the world when they do makes it worth the fight.

Strenghs

Great Analysts and Abstract Thinkers – People with the Logician personality type view the world as a big, complex machine, and recognize that as with any machine, all parts are interrelated. Logicians excel in analyzing these connections, seeing how seemingly unrelated factors tie in with each other in ways that bewilder most other personality types.

Imaginative and Original – These connections are the product of an unrelenting imagination – Logicians’ ideas may seem counter-intuitive at a glance, and may never even see the light of day, but they will always prove remarkable innovations.

Open-Minded – Logicians couldn’t make these connections if they thought they knew it all – they are highly receptive to alternate theories, so long as they’re supported by logic and facts. In more subjective matters like social norms and traditions, Logicians are usually fairly liberal, with a “none of my business” sort of attitude – peoples’ ideas are what matter.

Enthusiastic – When a new idea piques their interest, Logicians can be very enthusiastic – they are a reserved personality type, but if another person shares an interest, they can be downright excited about discussing it. More likely though, the only outward evidence of this enthusiasm will be Logicians’ silent pacing or their staring into the distance.

Objective – Logicians’ analysis, creativity and open-mindedness aren’t the tools of some quest for ideology or emotional validation. Rather, it’s as though people with the Logician personality type are a conduit for the truths around them, so far as they can be expressed, and they are proud of this role as theoretical mediator.

Honest and Straightforward – To know one thing and say another would be terribly disingenuous – Logicians don’t often go around intentionally hurting feelings, but they believe that the truth is the most important factor, and they expect that to be appreciated and reciprocated.

Weaknesses

Very Private and Withdrawn – While Logicians’ intellectualism yields many insights into their surroundings, their surroundings are ironically considered an intrusion on their thoughts. This is especially true with people – Logicians are quite shy in social settings. More complicated situations such as parties exacerbate this, but even close friends struggle to get into Logicians’ hearts and minds.

Insensitive – Oftentimes Logician personalities get so caught up in their logic that they forget any kind of emotional consideration – they dismiss subjectivity as irrational and tradition as an attempt to bar much-needed progress. Purely emotional situations are often utterly puzzling to Logicians, and their lack of timely sympathy can easily offend.

Absent-minded – When Logicians’ interest is captured, their absence goes beyond social matters to include the rest of the physical world. Logicians become forgetful, missing even the obvious if it’s unrelated to their current infatuation, and they can even forget their own health, skipping meals and sleep as they muse.

Condescending – Attempts at connecting with others are often worse than Logicians’ withdrawal. People with the Logician personality type take pride in their knowledge and rationale, and enjoy sharing their ideas, but in trying to explain how they got from A to B to Z, they can get frustrated, sometimes simplifying things to the point of insult as they struggle to gauge their conversation partners’ perspective. The ultimate insult comes as Logicians give up with a dismissive “never mind”.

Loathe Rules and Guidelines – These social struggles are partly a product of Logicians’ desire to bypass the rules, of social conduct and otherwise. While this attitude helps Logicians’ strength of unconventional creativity, it also causes them to reinvent the wheel constantly and to shun security in favor of autonomy in ways that can compromise both.

Second-Guess Themselves – Logicians remain so open to new information that they often never commit to a decision at all. This applies to their own skills as well – Logician personalities know that as they practice, they improve, and any work they do is second-best to what they could do. Unable to settle for this, Logicians sometimes delay their output indefinitely with constant revisions, sometimes even quitting before they ever begin.

And it finally gives...

Mind 83% introvert Introverted individuals prefer solitary activities and get exhausted by social interaction. They tend to be quite sensitive to external stimulation (e.g. sound, sight or smell) in general.

Energy 69 % intuitive Intuitive individuals are very imaginative, open-minded and curious. They prefer novelty over stability and focus on hidden meanings and future possibilities.

Nature 86% thinking Thinking individuals focus on objectivity and rationality, prioritizing logic over emotions. They tend to hide their feelings and see efficiency as more important than cooperation.

Tactics 87% prospecting Prospecting individuals are very good at improvising and spotting opportunities. They tend to be flexible, relaxed nonconformists who prefer keeping their options open.

Identity 72% turbulent Turbulent individuals are self-conscious and sensitive to stress. They are likely to experience a wide range of emotions and to be success-driven, perfectionistic and eager to improve. “

Last thing but not least, “ If you ever watched “The Big Bang Theory” TV series, take a closer look at Sheldon for an example of an INTP. Sure, he may seem rude, harsh, and sometimes even mean. But when his friends have a problem, he is the first person they seek. His intelligence, honesty, and hardcore reasoning are mesmerizing. “ . It’s highly true in my case, I’m often described as cold, harsh or mean. But it’s not to hurt people, I’m just more logical than emotional. It does not mean that I haven’t any emotions, it’s just that those emotions don’t restrain me. Never ask me if you are fat, ‘cause if you are I will tell you the truth and not what you want to hear. It’s for that I don’t like when people use “curvy” instead of fat for example, it’s like being ginger and pretend that you are blond. It’s two different things, why not telling the truth ? Vexing people isn’t a problem for me, as long as I’m honest I still can look at myself in the mirror. It’s a real problem in some communities, like tumblr - and it’s mostly for that I never take part of events or discussions - or some games like Star Stable Online where people are mostly snowflakes.

It’s not I have nothing to say, it’s just you who are not ready to hear what I have to say.

#personal #16 personality types #16 personalities #intp thoughts #intp problems #intp

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violetganache42 · 7 years

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My Thoughts on the Logan Paul Controversy

WARNING: The following post contains descriptions of the graphic material that was recorded on Logan’s most recent vlog, which was thankfully taken down. It also consists of opinions on his and Jake’s unforgivable actions prior to this incident, as well as cursing and the possibility of some heated rage, in which I would like to apologize for in advance. If I also come off as rude in some aspects, then I’m sorry for that too. No one ever thought 2018 was going to start off like this and leave them with intense fury over it. I would also like to apologize if the topics of depression, mental illnesses, and suicide upsets or triggers anyone who is reading this. That is not my intention whatsoever. This is my overall opinion on a very controversial issue and I don’t mean to upset or trigger anyone in doing so. With all that said and done, reader discretion is advised.

Okay, I never talk about them, but because of what recently happened, I want to quickly address the elephant in the room: I hate Jake and Logan Paul. Actually, “hate” is not the right word to describe them; how about “loathe?” Maybe “despise?” “Spite?” “Resent?” Whatever the word choice is, the two are both terrible celebrities together and individually for a variety of reasons.

As you already know, both Jake and Logan achieved their fame back in 2013 when Vine was around, achieving 5.3 million and 3.1 million followers respective by the time of its shutdown. When they switched over to YouTube on November and September of 2016 accordingly, it all went downhill from then on. In general, they spew diss tracks at each other, churn out frantic videos in order to gain viewership and consume free online content, and sell merchandise from their clothing lines instead of being TV actors. The only problem is kids between the ages of 8 and 15 aren’t necessarily part of America’s economy, so combining their focus on this specific demographic with their insatiable thirst for fame and greed, it’s basically a lose-lose situation for them. But that’s not all I have to say about them because looking at them individually, they have their own brand of problematic behaviors and content.

In Jake’s case, he endured the most controversy because he’s been exposed as nothing but an annoying douchebag who did the following: made racist remarks on his minor characters in his videos, accused of emotionally abusing and manipulating his ex-girlfriend Alissa Violet, cyberbullied and brought down people online, constantly disrupted his peaceful neighborhood and his neighbors with his stunts and pranks, delivered pop culture phrases in an obnoxious manner during an interview that came off as—how the kids describe stuff nowadays—“cringey.” Not to mention his atrocious music video for his song “It’s Everyday Bro” dealt some serious damage to his career by receiving over 3 million dislikes on YouTube. He even got fired from Disney mid-season of Bizaardvark on July 24 for acting like his fame gives him the freedom for doing whatever the fuck he wants. What grinds my gears about him is he made all these apology videos and keeps claiming that he’s changed and moved on, but there is strong evidence that proves otherwise.

As for Logan, he has managed to escape controversy up until now by having roles on films and TV shows like Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Weird Loners, Airplane Mode, the YouTube Red film The Thinning, and in the upcoming movie Valley Girl, taking part in a partnership with Dwayne Johnson, and opening his own brand called Maverick. Heck, his diss song, “The Fall of Jake Paul,” had managed to gather better reception from his fans, scoring only 173,000 dislikes, which is far less than the 3 million dislikes from “It’s Everyday Bro,” because of the actual effort put into it and the massive controversy Jake currently has. Of course, it still doesn’t change the fact that he is still a horrible person when you consider the info above, and his newest vlog helps showcase it. Without further ado, it’s time for me to stop talking about the past and focus on the present… and boy, do I have a lot to say about this.

For those of you who not aware or are just hearing about this, allow me to explain what exactly happened; however, I am generously giving you the choice to skip this because what I am about to describe may make you feel uncomfortable. For those of you brave enough to read the issue, please keep scrolling.

Earlier this week, on New Year’s Eve, Logan and three of his friends were traveling in Japan when they stumbled upon Aokigahara, which is best known as the country’s “Suicide Forest.” They all ended up going in the forest when they discovered the corpse of a man who hung himself, one of the most common methods suicide victims use to kill themselves in there. One of the friends was feeling uneasy about what they were witnessing, and despite his seriousness, Logan laughed it off and soon referred to it as “a moment in YouTube history,” only for him to get one hell of a reality check. As of now, so many people via YouTube and Twitter have reacted in absolute anger and/or disgust at what he had done and have been calling out on it, including Robyn from Anime America, Joey the Anime Man, Gaijin Goombah, Lost Pause, Game Theory, Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul, Game of Throne’s Sophie Turner, JackSepticEye, Stefan Karl, and even PewDiePie of all people. The immense amount of backlash had gotten to a point where he deleted the video and posted two apologies, one each on Twitter and YouTube. I will get to those later, but for right now, let me give my input on this.

First off, let’s break down the group’s reaction. Since the video was removed, I was able to find snippets of their dialogue from it thanks to CNN, which can be found here.

Logan: This is a first for me. This literally probably just happened.

Friend: I don’t feel good.

Logan: What, you never stand next to a dead guy?

Friend: No.

Logan: *laughs* It was gonna be a joke. This was all a joke. Why did it become so real?

Friend: Depression and mental illnesses is not a joke. We came here with the intent to focus on the haunted aspect of the forest. This just became very real.

Oh, boy. Where do I even begin with this? Logan, your friend is absolutely right. Depression and mental illnesses are not jokes, let alone FUCKING suicide! This was his first time seeing an actual dead body with his own two eyes and you laughed it off like it was nothing! For all we know, this could’ve been your first time seeing like this too, but why the fuck would you joke around like that if you were originally planning to explore the Suicide Forest’s haunted atmosphere?! It completely depletes the initial intent of your plans for your vlog all because of your “humor” in this! On a side note, whoever his friend is, can we please give him a round of applause for having the knowledge to understand what is and isn’t a joke? Because at least he gets the situation they were in.

And that brings me to another point I want to bring out: why he was joking around with what he saw. After they all ran out of the forest and into the parking lot, Logan said this that really caught my attention:

Logan: “…the smiling and laughing… is not a portrayal of how I feel about the circumstances. Everyone copes with shit differently… I cope with things with humor.”

WHAT?!

I’m sorry, but no! That is utter bullshit! Using humor to cope with something such as fear is fine, but using it to deal with the fact you stumbled across a REAL corpse?! That’s crossing the line! It helps illustrate that what you did was inhumanely wrong, and you know what?! The backlash proves it! When it became known to the public with around 6.5 million views, the viewers were repulsed by what you did! You showed them, from fans and people who don’t like to YouTubers, celebrities, and the media, that you have zero respect for the suicide victims through your insensitivity and voyeurism of this seriously important subject!

Not even your “Viewer Discretion is Advised” banter helped prevent this from happening, which leads me to readdressing your target demographic! For all we know, there could have been little children watching this and they would have either been scared that they saw the same hanging corpse or influenced negatively as shown by this tweet below!

“The other day my 7 year old sister showed me logan pauls video on the dead body and i was disgusted and told her to turn it off.My sister is 7 YEARS OLD and loves and watches logan paul all the time. later we went outside to do painting and she painted a hanging man in a forest” — Aoife Dormer (@aoife_dorma)

If anything, you could have emphasized your warning on how there are graphic material that are not suitable for children/minors, replaced “Advised” with “Recommended,” and made the video 18+ so that they would’ve been unable to watch it! Even so, it still didn’t change the fact it broke one of YouTube’s policy: prohibiting the depiction of violent, gory, or graphic material in a shocking, sensational, or disrespectful manner unless the footage is used for educational or documentary-based purposes. I’m not gonna touch upon how the staff aren’t pressing this forward or why they didn’t react sooner, but I digress. In my opinion, not changing the rating of your vlog—and having it violate a YouTube policy regardless—was part of a completely careless move on your part.

Oh, and this doesn’t end there; this actually leads into my next point: the apologies and the aftermath.

In the midst of the swift outcry of the enraged public, Logan deleted the video and tweeted an apology on New Year’s Day at exactly 10 PM about what he posted, but instead of taming the flame, it made things worse… and I can easily tell why. Much like the last remark, this one contradicts what he says.

“I didn't do it for views. I get views. I did it because I thought I could make a positive ripple on the internet, not cause a monsoon of negativity. I intended to raise awareness for suicide and suicide prevention and while I thought, 'if this video saves just ONE life, it'll be worth it,' I was misguided by shock and awe, as portrayed in the video.”

Dear God, there is a shit ton wrong with this tone-deaf apology it makes me want to scream! What pisses me off the most is his claim and there is strong proof in not only this tweet but also in my thoughts on the vlog that highlights how that is bullshit as well!

You should’ve thought about your actions ahead of time! You were given multiple choices on what to do when you and your friends encountered the hanging dead body in Aokigahara: “Should I keep this vlog?” “How should I feel about or respond to this?” “Should I edit it out or leave it in?” “How will everyone else react?” At the end of the day, you chose the wrong choices and it resulted in heated negative consequences.

You were NOT raising awareness for suicide prevention, which is the main reason why this tweet makes me livid! The vlog proves you laughed at what you saw and cracked jokes about it, despite your friend’s input on this unsettling discovery! A lot of people, even YouTube, agree that the material was shocking for the viewers, you sensationalized at said material, and you were outright disrespectful about it by treating suicide like a fucking joke through your “coping mechanism!”

You were not “misguided;” basically, this third reason ties in with the second one.

Because of this, an insane amount of criticism was unleashed, with Sophie calling Logan “an idiot,” his claim “mocking,” and his apology “self-praising,” Aaron referring to him as “pure trash” who can “go rot in hell,” and surprisingly Rebecca Black stating that how someone with “such power and influence could intensify “an entire family’s grief beyond measure.” And guess what? She is right! One of the people calling out on him was Anna Akana, who and her brother both had to deal with the loss of her sister after she committed suicide! Not only that, but there are also people struggling with depression and have contemplated suicide, especially in Japan, who are infuriated and sickened by what they watched/heard because they knew what he did was an epitome of bad publicity... No, “bad” isn’t the best way to describe this; what they discovered was appalling publicity! It’s even worse when you realize publicity is one of the main contributors to suicide contagion, especially when a young age group is exposed to it! Given Logan’s fanbase mainly consists of children and young teenagers, that vlog was a repulsive influence on them and would most likely worsen suicide contagion despite it being removed from YouTube, which reiterates Aoife’s tweet about her younger sister painting a lynched man! The damage has already been dealt and it pisses me off so much that he would influence minors like that!

And that is just the tip of the iceberg because he posted a longer apology video on YouTube the next night amid the rampaging counteraction. Did it do anything to at least settle this dispute? Let’s find out.

“I've made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment and I don't expect to be forgiven. I'm simply here to apologize. So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw and they were unfiltered. None of us knew how to react or how to feel. I should have never posted the video. I should have put the cameras down, stopped recording what we were going through. There's a lot of things I should have done differently but I didn't and for that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry. I want to apologize to the internet, I want to apologize to anyone who has seen the video, I want to apologize to anyone who has been affected or touched by mental illness or depression or suicide but most importantly I want to apologize to the victim and his family. For my fans who are defending my actions, please don't, they don't deserve to be defended. The goal with my content is always to entertain, to push the boundaries, to be all inclusive. In the world I live in I share most everything I do. The intent is never to be heartless, cruel or malicious. Like I said I made a huge mistake. I don't expect to be forgiven. I'm just here to apologize. I'm ashamed of myself. I'm disappointed in myself. And I promise to be better. I will be better. Thank you.”

*frustrated sigh* Oh, dear Lord. There is a reason why posted the transcript of his apology than share the video itself, which I’ll get to after I give my two cents on this. ...Ever since last night, I had a difficult time trying to find a way to reply to this. I read a couple articles saying the video was emotional and somber because of how he was on the brink of tears and it left me at a point of uncertainty; I kept asking myself if he really does deserve to be forgiven or not, but after seeing other posts and getting an update on his newest video, it snapped me out of my state and told me that forgiving Logan would mean defending him, just like his fans... and there was no way in hell I would succumb to a level as low them supporting him. So with my spark reignited, it’s time for me to break this shit down once again!

Logan, let me start this bit off by saying this: it is far too late for you to apologize. What you did was irredeemable, vulgar, disgraceful, and plain rude of you to not only those suffering from depression, mental illnesses, or suicidal issues, but to the entire country of Japan. During your trip, you behaved immaturely by making a complete racist jackass out of yourself in front of foreign tourists/residents while wearing a kimono and made a complete fool out of Americans and Westerners, but your vlog on New Year’s Eve took it too far! You desecrated a corpse, went through him to see if he had any of his belongings with him, laughed and joked about it, and showed no remorse or empathy about what you and your friends came across! Because of you, Japan is now coated in anger; you made them hesitant on us being part of the 2020 Olympics, Tokyo tweeted at you to get out, and you’re now denounced by the Japanese Suicide Prevention Group all because you ridiculed their strict laws and significant efforts into helping lower suicide rates and gave a giant middle finger to country in general by treating it like it’s a fucking playground! What you did was an act of pity because of the imminent backlash and I will never. Forgive. You.

That’s not all; as it turns out, even though Logan clearly said he doesn’t expect forgiveness, his fanbase—like I’m gonna call them by their referred fandom name—still forgave him because they believe “he didn’t mean it” and even had the audacity to attack a Japanese vlogger named Reina Scully in a racist manner all because she criticized his Suicide Forest vlog. ...Okay, first: WHAT?! Second: THE FUCK?! Like before, I apologize for suddenly snapping, but that’s NOT how you defend someone! You do not make harass the harasser by sending them racist remarks, let alone telling her and the Japanese to kill themselves! That is just sick and inhumane! No wonder people are telling others to stop supporting the Paul brothers; their fans are worse than the commonly known bad fandoms! *sigh* Well, at least it was best of me to not apologize to Logan because there was no way I was going to stoop as low as them. It was also perfect timing on my part because I recently discovered on that his apology video was monetized; in other words, he made thousands of dollars off of it...

Holy fuck! This is all kinds of despicable and messed up! Making between $8.5K and $68.1K off of a simple apology?! Now I am so glad I ultimately kept to my opinions about this sicko instead of accepting him like his other fans because this is one of the many examples of being greedy and money-hungry.

Because of this, people immediately took to Twitter to repeatedly slam him until it was promptly demonetized. Shortly thereafter, conflicts began to surface regarding YouTube; a petition opened up calling for Logan to be banned from the site (which now has over 130K signatures) and many are giving the website and its staff flack for being hypocritical of the way they review the content of videos. To be honest, I don’t blame them. Although I’m glad they commented on the issue, it obviously wasn’t enough. What used to be a site that got its start from cat videos has become its own economy with terrible decisions they’ve made, from the Fair Use dilemma to labeling LGBT+ videos as “mature content.” Seeing how significant the past few days has become, they really need to wake up, get their humungous sticks out of their asses, and actually contribute than just simply stating what rule Logan violated. Regardless, with all of these factors combined into one, it is easily safe to say this second apology was typically a clear bust.

And what does Logan do now that both apologies were shown to be practically useless? He announces his hiatus last night on Twitter, stating he is “taking time to reflect.” Of course, and not surprisingly, there is a long thread which consists of a division between his effortlessly influenced fandom of youngsters and those who despise him for what he has done, both over the years and on New Year’s Eve.

...I’m done. I’m fucking done. I’m not dealing with this shit anymore. Everything about this is wrong and I am certain I am going to get a headache out of this. I don’t care if he is “reflecting;” knowing him, he is still going to be the same idiotic frat “celebrity” that he is, especially when Maverick Apparel came forward today to say they lost $4 million in profit because of him… and Jake dissed in him in one of the most inappropriate ways ever. Ugh!… Can this nightmare end already?! I swear, it keeps finding ways to make me want to continue this rant! Well, guess what? Not. Anymore. I am concluding this right now and I don’t care what will happen to these two sickos in the near future.

*sigh* Well, to wrap things up, Logan is nothing but a stupid, inane, thick-skinned, money-hungry, thoughtless jackass who only cares about getting richer and, much like Jake, using his fame to do whatever the fuck he wants because he believes there is no such thing as “bad publicity…” until now, that is. He may have been able to dodge controversy in the past, but thanks to his obnoxious, immature personality, he has made him a danger to three important fields after his trip to Japan; he has demonstrated how much of an inadequate influence he is to juveniles countless times in the past and has managed to do so once again with his now-deleted vlog, he has made the entire Japanese country hate him for even stepping foot on their cherished land, and he has sparked yet another battle against YouTube’s policies and regulations.

Logan, I’m going to say this once and only once: it is your fault you showed Japan just how disgustingly inhumane you are by not only fucking around with their cherished laws, traditions, culture, history, and landscape. It is your fault for recording the footage of the corpse, laughing and joking about it, and not giving a single shit about suicide, depression, and mental illnesses. It is your fault you unleashed hell on earth that pitted most of the social media users against you. It is your fault for creating your half-hearted apology tweet and your equally monetized apology video that only added fuel to the fire. It is your fault Japan hates you for treating them poorly. It is your fault you’re now facing serious consequences after showing the world what you did in front of that dead man. It is your fault for ending 2017 and starting 2018 on abysmal notes. I hope your multi-millionaire empire crumbles by having the YT staff banning your vlog channel. I hope the actions you—and Jake—have illustrated over the years and the consequences you face will deal more major blows to your precious careers.

To everyone reading this, I want to say I am genuinely sorry that you saw that vlog or heard what has been going on. I am even sorry at myself for subjecting myself to this horror of learning who the Paul brothers are just to get this rant out of the way. They have a horrible sense of humor and none of the stuff they do is funny, let alone how serious suicide is.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US, claiming an average of 44,965 American lives every year, and for every 25 attempts that are made, it annually costs the country $51 billion. In Japan, despite now having over 21,000 people claiming their lives every year—with the majority caused by men—and its suicide rate declining, it still remains as one of the highest rates when compared to other countries. The most common place for the Japanese to kill themselves is in Aokigahara, which has received its infamous nickname, “the Suicide Forest.” It earned its name and has become the 2nd most suicidal place on Earth because around 100 Japanese residents travel there to commit suicide because of its thick trees and its seclusion; two of the frequent ways they kill themselves is through drug overdose or by hanging themselves though other methods are not uncommon. Since then, Japanese officials have been putting their best efforts to decrease the suicide rate.

Suicide is an urgent situation, with depression being the #1 cause of it if left untreated, undiagnosed, or ineffectively treated and mental illnesses, disorders, and contributors such as physical ailments, previous suicide attempts, limited access to mental health treatment closely following suit and cannot be left unnoticed. If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts or actions or have had a series of suicidal thoughts or actions, it is not too late to seek help. Whether it is in America, Japan, or anywhere else in the world, call the numbers below based on what country you live in:

United Kingdom: 116 123

United States: 1-800-273-8255

Canada: 5147234000

Mexico: 5255102550

Ireland: 116 123

Brazil: 212339191

Argentina: +5402234930430

Spain: 914590080

Portugal: 225 50 60 70

France: 0145394000

Greece: 1018

Germany: 08001810771

Italy: 800860022

Poland: 52770000

Holland: 0900-0113

Denmark: +4570201201

Sweden: 46317112400

Finland: 040-5032199

Norway: +478153300

Belgium: 1813

Austria: 017133374

Switzerland: 143

Egypt: 7621602

South Africa: 0514445691

Israel: 1201

India: 8888817666

Australia: 131 114

New Zealand: 045861048

Singapore: 1800 221 4444

Philippines: 028969191

Russia: 0078202577577

China: 85223820000

South Korea: 112

Japan: +810352869090

You can also donate to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or any resourceful suicide prevention organizations you know because your gifts will serve them as a reminder that you are contributing to fight against this worldwide epidemic.

Don’t wait. Call now or donate to help save a life.

#my post #rant #logan paul controversy #anti logan paul

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