#natashasera

[falcqns]

for the first time (whats past is past)

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tim Bradford

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tim calls Lucy in the middle of the night, hoping to every god that exists that her number hadn’t changed, and to every angel that she would pick up despite how he had hurt her.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, angst with a happy ending obviously, Chenford. tagging @natashasera. Title is from Begin Again by my mothaaaaa 

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

“Please pick up,” Tim whispered to himself. He sniffed, trying blink back the tears that were gathering in his eyes. He knew he was stupid for doing this, for calling her; if he were her, he wouldn’t pick up the phone, especially after he had done what he did. She had needed him, and he had left her, and he wouldn’t blame her for doing the same to him. 

But, whatever gods that he had prayed to before hitting her contact must have heard his prayers, because just as he was about to give up, the ringing stopped, and he heard static for a brief second, before hearing a sound he thought he’d never hear again - Lucy saying his name in her beautiful, melodic voice. 

“Tim?” She said quietly, and Tim choked back a sob. 

“H-Hi,” he whispered. There was rustling on the other end for a brief moment before Lucy responded. 

“What happened?” She asked, her previously neutral tone shifting to concerned. 

Tim chuckled quietly. “Why do you assume that something happened?” 

“Because you wouldn’t be calling me in the middle of the night if it hadn’t.” 

Tim hung his head, sighing. “Y-You’re right.” He suddenly regretted calling her, he didn’t want her to think he’d only called her because he needed something, because that was far from the truth. He did need something, but she was the only one he wanted to call. Everyone else would look at him with pity - which he understood, because how sad is it that him, a nearly 40 year old man was broken up with and humiliated at a party? But still, he knew that if he had called Angela or Genny, they would have pitied him, but Lucy wouldn’t do that. She would feel bad for him, but he knew that she knew (better than anyone) that these things happened, and it was important to move on and not be stuck in the past. “I uhm..” He began, but stopped, unsure how to explain it without sounding like he was in high school. 

“Tim?” Lucy asked again, and this time, Tim cleared his throat before speaking. 

“I uh - I was at a party, with my girlfriend, and we got into a fight. It was stupid, but it caused her to freak out, and basically start bashing me in front of all of her friends.” He explained. 

“Im so sorry Tim,” Lucy said. “Wait, what do you mean by ‘bashing’ you?” She asked, and Tim chuckled sadly.

“Well,” he began. “She thought it was appropriate to bring up everything from my past, more specifically the things I had told her in confidence, like what happened with Isabel and my dad, and things I was ashamed about, like how I treated you.” He confessed. 

Lucy sighed on the other end, and the rustling could be heard again. “Tim, I’m so sorry that happened to you, you didn’t deserve that.”

Tim shrugged, even though he knew she couldn’t see it. “Kinda feels like I did, but right now I just want to get away from her and her friends, but I’m stranded. You were the only person I could think of to call who wouldn’t pity me.” 

Lucy laughed quietly. “Of course im not going to pity you, I learned my lesson with that when I was your rookie.” Tim laughed in response. “Send me the address, and I’ll come and get you.” 

Tim sighed in relief. “Thank you.” He said, and sent her a text with the location of the party. 

“Okay,” Lucy said, looking at the address. “It’ll take me about 20 minutes to get to you, but I’m leaving pretty much right now,” she said. “I’ll see you when I get there, okay?” 

“Yeah.” Tim replied. “Thank you again.”

“It’s no problem, Tim. I’m glad you called me.”

—— 

27 minutes later, Tim saw Lucy’s Gray Acura RDX pull into the driveway, and he was finally able to move off of the rock he had been sitting on. He walked over to her car, and opened the passenger door, sliding into the seat, and shut the door behind him. Lucy smiled at him, before reaching out and pausing the music she had been playing. 

Tim glanced at the screen, and his brows furrowed when he saw the song “I See The Light.”

“Why are you playing Disney music?” 

Lucy pointed behind her, and when Tim tuned his head around, he was shocked to see a car seat facing the back of the back seat, and a mirror on the headrest, allowing him to see the sleeping infant, no more than 6 or 7 months old, in the carseat. 

“Tangled is her favourite.” She said, putting the car in reverse, and backing out of the driveway. “And she was not too happy to be taken out of her sleep sack before she was ready.” Lucy said, a smile on her face. 

“Im sorry,” Tim apologized immediately. Not only did he wake her up in the middle of the night, he had her wake her sleeping baby up, to come and get him from a party in the middle of nowhere, when he could have just called an Uber.

Lucy shook her head. “Don’t be,” she said, reading his mind. “She was going to wake up soon for a feed anyways, so it’s all good.” 

Tim nodded, his head turning back to face the road. “I uh,” he said, glancing down at his hands before speaking. “I didn’t know you were a mom.” 

Lucy nodded with a smile. “Yeah, I am.” She said. “I love it more than I thought I would.” She explained. “I mean, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but the second she entered the world, I knew I’d love it more than anything in this world.” 

Tim smiled. “I’m happy for you, I know how much you’d wanted the whole marriage and kids thing.”

Lucy nodded, eyes on the road. “Actually, just the kids. I’m not married.” She said. She looked sideways at Tim briefly, and answered his unasked question. “I’m single.”

“Oh,” Tim responded, unsure what else to say. 

“Yeah,” Lucy nodded, glancing back at her baby. “Chris wasn’t too keen on being a father.” She explained, and Tim shook his head. 

“What an idi- I mean dummy head.” He said, glancing back at the baby briefly, making Lucy laugh. 

“Its okay, you can swear.” She said. “I don’t care, and It helps her development, so swear it up.” She said, making Tim laugh. 

“What an idiot.” Tim continued, before shaking his head. “Nope, can’t swear. Feels too weird.” 

Lucy laughed, and Tim smiled looking over at her. He had missed that sound more than anything, and he knew it was all his fault that he hadn’t heard it in nearly two years. 

“Anyways, Sanford is a dummy head for doing that to you.” Tim continued. 

“I know, but it’s not the first time someone has left me when things have gotten hard.” She said, and Tim nodded sadly, knowing that she was referring to him now. 

“I know, and I’m-“ Tim began, before Lucy cut him off. 

“if you say ‘I’m sorry’ one more time, I’m pulling over and you can walk.”

They both laughed, and Tim opened his mouth once more. “Okay, okay I’m-“ he began, before him and Lucy glanced at each other, and immediately looked away as they both burst into laughter. 

Their laughs were cut short by a cry from the backseat. Lucy reached out, tapping the ‘AirPlay’ button on her car display, and bringing up the Tangled soundtrack again. 

“I’m sorry, Mae Mae,” Lucy said, looking into her rearview mirror, where she could see the reflection of her daughter. “Look, Mama’s playing your music.” As soon as Mandy Moore’s singing voice began to float from the car speakers, the infant calmed down, and looked out the window.

The car was quiet for a few minutes, and Tim wouldn’t admit it, but he actually enjoyed the Tangled soundtrack. He then decided to break the silence, wanting to know more about what he’d missed in the Lucyverse the past almost two years.

“What’s her name?” He asked, referring to the baby in the backseat.

Lucy swallowed nervously before she responded. “Her name is Maple.”

Tim’s heart pounded in his chest, a wave of gruelling grief, the same wave that had washed over him for months when he left Lucy that had stolen his ability to take care of himself, crashed over him once more. 

Maple was the name that they’d chosen together. Tim hadn’t liked it at first, but the more he’d thought about it, the name Maple Bradford definitely had a ring to it. When they’d broken up, he knew he was still going to use the name if he ever had kids, but he didn’t think that she would, especially after he left her the way he did. 

“Y-You used the name.” Tim said quietly, and Lucy nodded. She looked over at him, and his heart broke even more when he saw that she had tears in her eyes. 

“Yeah,” She admitted. “It was the only name that made sense to me.” She said, and upon seeing Tim’s confused look, she elaborated. “When I was in labor, I was all alone. It was the middle of the night, and I was woken up by the worst pain I had ever felt. I knew I was in labor, and was so scared of giving birth alone that I drove myself to the hospital. Once I got there, I was so scared, and didn’t want to disturb anyone, so I gave birth alone. The entire time, the only person I wanted beside me, I knew I couldn’t call.” She said, sniffling as she spoke.

“Who?” Tim asked, a little afraid of the answer.

“You.” She said, glancing at Tim. “I wanted you by my side. I wanted you to be there, holding my hand, and encouraging me. I wanted it to be you to be her father, not someone who never wanted her in the first place. But I couldn’t call you.” 

Tim turned his body to face her. “Luce, I would have absolutely came and been there for you had you called me, you know that right?” 

Lucy looked at him, a serious look on her face. “Do I, though?” She asked. “How was I supposed to know if you’d come and support me, after you left me when I needed you the most after I made P2?” She asked, and Tim looked down in shame.

He had done that. She had been struggling with him not being by her side on patrol, and was having separation anxiety and jealousy with him and his new rookie, and he, instead of supporting her and understanding, got mad at her and ended things. Which he immediately regretted, but regretted even more the next day when Grey told him that she had transferred, and hated himself when he went to her apartment, only to find that she was gone. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” He said. “I hate that I did that to you. I shouldn’t have just given up on you, on us like that. I should have supported and understood you, not walked away. I regret ending things.” 

“Well, its in the past now.” Lucy said. And Tim sighed sadly. 

“So theres no hope for us, is there?” He asked, and Lucy looked over at him.

“Of course theres hope,” She said, pulling her car into his driveway. “I’ve always had hope that we’d find each other again.” She put the car into park and turned towards him. “I’m glad that you called me.”

“I’m glad you answered.” He said. He then glanced at his front door, then at Maple, before his eyes landed on Lucy.

“Do you want to come in?” He asked, his voice shaking at the implications of what he was asking. 

Lucy smiled at him. “Of course we do.”

[shiftingwithava]

𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐚 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐬 𝐢'𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫

dr: chris evans youngest sister

a/n: this was not posted by me, it was posted by chris in this dr. my origin story is based on a dream that i had when i was stuck on my backstory. i didn't script that i made this, but i thought it was one of the sweetest things ever, and wanted to include it on the blog. *picture is not mine, it is from pinterest and the closest one i could find to the one he actually used (it actually included all my older siblings and i) tagging @natashasera

chrisevans tagged: avabug, scottevansgram

liked by octaviaspencer, scottevansgram, and 2,379,802 others chrisevans I know I’m not the most open person in the world when it comes to my family, but I think it’s important that I tell you about the worst thing I’ve done in my entire life. 

This right here is my little sister Avalea, Ava for short. She was born February 23rd, 2006, when I was 28 years old. To say that I wasn’t shocked to become a big brother again at almost 30 would be a lie, but it didn’t make me love them any less. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on, and I vowed to protect them with my life. 

I didn’t do that. When she was 3, I got the role of Captain America, and the day I started preproduction also marks the day I disappeared from their life completely. 

I completely lost touch with her. Even when I was in front of them, I wasn’t present. I wasn’t the brother they needed, more importantly, I wasn’t the brother she deserved. Even during quarantine when I was just down the road, I never made an effort to see them and rationalized it by telling myself it was to keep her and her immune system that isn’t as strong as mine safe.

A week ago, I had just finished filming Ghosted, and was getting ready to fly to Orlando for a family vacation, and see my little sister for the first time in over 2 years. Then, my flight was cancelled. A little annoying, but nothing that my Ma couldn’t solve. It was decided I would ride down with her, Ava and Scott. 

I felt instant guilt when I saw her again. They’d grown so much, and I’d missed it. She wasn’t the toddler I’d left behind, they were a teenager. A beautiful 16 year old who barely knew me. No longer was she the sweet little 6 month old that I took to L.A. during preproduction for Silver Surfer, and bought her too many designer clothes and she definitely wouldn’t look at Tigger like he was nuts when we went to Disneyland on that trip. 

I knew I’d fucked up big time, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I thought that if I was just myself, everything would be fine, so I did just that. 

What I didn’t realize was in my “being myself” I was sending her into sensory overload, and then a meltdown. 

One of the most important things I missed in my years without her was that they have ADHD and are possibly autistic. Ma mentioned it to me a few times, but it flew over my head that was preoccupied with everything but my baby sister who needed me. We were in the hotel room in Nashville a few nights ago, and I was trying to make her laugh. I had been messing around with Scott, and decided to poke them to coax out a smile. 

It had the opposite effect. They were immediately sent into a meltdown, all because of my absence, ignorance, and attempt to make her happy. Being absent, I’d never seen her meltdowns and shut downs, and I won’t say that it wasn’t a shock when they kicked and pushed Scott away. 

Ma came in a moment later and took over, and all I could do to help was hand her their weighted blanket. I felt useless, but what made me feel

like the worst human in the world was when Ma asked her to say thank you to me for the blanket in an attempt to calm her down and get her breathing in check. She shook her head, and said no. When Ma asked her why they said “because he doesn’t like me. He’s never wanted to spend time with me and he probably hates me so why should I say thank you when it won’t mean anything to him?” 

I knew instantly I’d messed up beyond repair. I’d made them think I hated them. That I didn’t care, that I didn’t want to spend time with them, when that was far from the truth. 

My sweet, sweet, Avabug. I love you more than anything. When I see you, my heart explodes with love for you. You and I used to be best buddies. You were my baby girl. I’m not a dad, I don’t know if I will ever be a dad, but you made me feel like one. I’d never felt such happiness and love before you, and I haven’t experienced it with anyone else but you. I completely failed you sweetheart. I made you feel worthless and unloved. I made you think I hated you, when that was far from the truth.  You are my entire world. You always have been. I wish that you could read my mind because if yoj did, you’d be able to see and hear everything. Even when I was absent, I never stopped loving you. I never stopped rooting for you. I was here, separated from you, but waiting for those messages from Ma, Carly, Shanna, and Scott telling me that you won your dance competition. I was on the other side of the world, trying to compose a happy birthday message to you, but failing because I didn’t have the words. Because I didn’t know you. I am so sorry for what I did, my darling. I’ve had so many chances to fix this and I haven’t, and for that I apologize. Just looking at you, sound asleep next to me, while I type this is making me wish I actually was Steve Rogers so I could go back in time and fix the mess I’ve made. I love you, my sweet Avalea. you’re my bubba, my sweetheart, my baby. I’m going to try and fix this, no matter what that takes. I love you, my sweet baby girl. 💙

[falcqns]

you'll be alright (no one can hurt you now) chapter one

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tamara Colins, Tim Bradford & Lucy Chen, background Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Lucy finds Tamara, not as a 17 year old, but as a newborn. She immediately takes her in, and vows to give her the childhood and support that she deserves.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, autistic!Tamara, Tim Bradford would do anything for Lucy Chen, mentions of drug overdose, and drug addiction, death (not a main character though dw), Lucy is a hardcore swiftie, 

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

Title is from Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift

Lucy stood on the side walk, hands on her duty belt, and eyes on her current training officer, Scott Wrigley as he asked the woman they had just pulled over to see her licence, registration and proof of insurance. The woman willingly, gave him the documents, and Lucy found her attention wandering away from the woman in the car, and surveying the area they were in. 

Lucy, truthfully, was bored. While Tim was hard on her, he was a good, solid cop, that did the job because he wanted to make a difference in the world. Wrigley, while also a good, solid cop, was only there for a pay check. He was there to write tickets for 12 hours a day, get paid, and go home to his children without a scrape on him. And while Lucy respected that, it just wasn’t for her. She wanted to make a difference, and sitting here, taking only the tame calls, was not doing that. She knew she just had to stick it out for a little longer, and Tim would be back, but she was starting to think she was going crazy. 

So crazy that she was now having auditory hallucinations. Auditory hallucinations of a baby crying. 

They were in the middle of nowhere, which was rare in Los Angeles. All that was here was empty, and long abandoned warehouses. There was no reason for a baby’s cry to be heard around here. Lucy shook her head, trying to get the noise to stop, and focus back on her temporary TO. 

“You hear that, Chen?” Wrigley asked, stopping as he was walking back to the car. 

“Hear what, sir?” She responded, expecting him to say something dumb like ‘the silence of a calm day,’ or something like that, just to unintentionally rub it in her face that she was bored out of her fucking mind with him. 

“The baby crying,” he said, and Lucy stopped. He could hear it too? She thought to herself. If he could hear it too, that meant one of two things. 1) they were both going insane, or 2) the baby’s cry that she was hearing was from an actual baby. And she knew which one was more likely than the other. 

“Yes sir, I do.” She said, looking around. “Do you want me to go find where the baby’s cry is coming from?” 

Wrigley furrowed his eyebrows. “Why would we do that?” He questioned. 

“Isn’t…that why you mentioned it?” She asked, thoroughly confused. “Look where we are. All that is here is empty and abandoned warehouses, why would we be hearing a baby cry here? We should be making sure that everything is okay before we leave.” 

Wrigely smirked at her. “Good job, Chen.” He said, and Lucy dug her nails into her palm to stop her from rolling her eyes. He was testing her. “Go check it out while I fill out this paperwork.” She nodded, and headed off in the direction that she heard the cry. 

The cry was growing louder as she turned the corner, ending up in an alleyway between two abandoned warehouses, covered in graffiti. She continued to follow the cry as she approached a dumpster. Her stomach was in knots. Surely if it was a parent and their baby, she would have heard the parents voice, right? Surely no one would have left their defenceless and helpless infant to fend for themselves, right?

Wrong. 

Lucy walked to the other side of the dumpster, and she gasped, her heart pounding. On the ground, beside the dumpster, was a baby, who couldn’t be older than a few hours old, judging by the umbilical cord still attached, and how the baby, who upon closer inspection was a girl, was haphazardly wiped off and placed in a broken wicker basket. 

Next to her, was very obviously her mother. There was a pool of blood covering her upper thighs and the ground underneath her, and used needles spread around the scene, including one still stuck in her upper arm. Lucy grabbed her radio, and pressed down. 

“Control, this is 7-Adam-19 requesting an RA and a supervisor at Cromer Lane, in the first alleyway on the left, I have a 10-50, code 3.” Lucy placed her radio back, and crouched down next to the baby, doing her best to comfort the little girl without picking her up, despite how much Lucy wanted to. 

“It’s okay, sweet girl,” She whispered, reaching into her duty belt for a pair of gloves. She slid them on her hands, and reached over to the baby’s mother in order to try and see if she could feel a pulse. Her heart broke for the sobbing baby girl when she couldn’t feel one. 

She heard sirens in the background, as well as boots hitting the ground, clearly Wrigley running to see what was happening after hearing her call on the radio. 

“Oh my god.” He whispered from behind her. 

“I need something to wrap the baby in,” She said to Wrigley, and he started to retreat, mumbling something about grabbing an emergency blanket from the shop. 

He returned less than a minute later, and Lucy grabbed the package from him, ripping it open. She shook the blanket to get it to unfold, before she wrapped the small infant up, holding her close to her chest, hoping some of her body heat would transfer through the blanket. 

The sirens got closer, and Lucy began to see the flashing lights reflected on the brick wall across from her. Wrigley was talking to her, but she wasn’t hearing or processing anything coming out of his mouth. All that she could focus on was the tiny little baby in her arms, who was calmed down, and was just staring up at her, her small brown eyes looking up into Lucy’s. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” She whispered. “You’re gonna be okay.” She heard the doors of the ambulance open behind her and paramedics rush to her side. A female paramedic crouched down next to her, and began to ask her questions about the baby and her mother. 

“She seems to be okay, physically at least.” Lucy rambled, her eyes not leaving the tiny baby. “She can’t be more than a few hours old.” 

The paramedic nodded. “Judging by the shaking, I’m assuming her mother was using her entire pregnancy.” Lucy nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. She watched carefully as the paramedics cut the umbilical cord, and then continued working on trying to resuscitate her mother, with no success. 

They gave her 2 doses of Narcan, did CPR, and tried the AED, but nothing worked. She was gone, and had probably been gone since before Lucy and Wrigley arrived on scene. 

“We have to take her to the hospital,” The paramedic beside Lucy stated, standing up. Lucy did the same, as Grey and Wrigely walked up to her. 

“I’m coming with,” she stated. 

“Boot-“ Wrigley replied, clearly frustrated with how hard headed she was being. 

“I’m going.” She stated, firmer. She then turned to Grey, and looked at him for approval. He nodded at her, a smile on his face. 

“Go with her, Chen.” He said. “Let us know if theres any updates.”

Lucy smiled. “Yes, sir.” She said, before following the paramedic, and climbing in the back of the ambulance. They were pulling away a few moments later, and were headed to St Stephens. 

Lucy was able to stay with the baby until they reached the NICU. She was then told that they needed to do an assessment on the infant, but that someone would come and grab Lucy when she was able to go see her. She sat down in the uncomfortable hospital waiting room chair, and glanced around at the other families in the NICU. She didn’t know any of their stories, but they all had one thing in common; they were here because they wanted their baby to be okay. 

And while that tiny little baby wasn’t Lucy’s, Lucy was the one who found her, who called for help, who held her and comforted her when she needed it the most. She had no one at the moment, so there was nowhere else Lucy would rather be than here, supporting this little girl. 

“Officer Chen?” A voice said to the right of her. She looked up, and stood up when she saw the doctor. 

“Yes?” She said, coming face to face with the nurse in charge of the infant. “Is she going to be okay?” 

The nurse smiled. “She is very lucky, officer.” Lucy let out a breath that she didn’t know she was holding at that. “She is very healthy. She does have traces of meth in her blood, but it is a very minuscule amount. It should leave her system within the next 8 to 24 hours.” 

Lucy nodded. “Okay. Thats good. I was thinking the worst.” 

The nurse nodded. “She is a very lucky little girl. I have contacted DCFS, and they are going to send someone as soon as they can, it appears that they are very backed up at the moment. Is there anything you need from me?” 

“Uh,” Lucy stuttered, racking her brain for the protocols to follow in this situation. “No, not right now. I will have to wait for my supervisor or training officer to proceed, but in the meantime, am I able to go sit with her?” 

The nurse nodded, and began to turn. “Of course, follow me and I’ll take you to her.” Lucy began to follow the nurse down the hallway. “Actually,” the nurse said. “Would you be up to kangaroo cuddling with her? Being so young, she definitely hasn’t had skin to skin with anyone, and skin to skin is very beneficial to an infant as young as her.” 

Lucy found herself nodding immediately. “Of course, whatever she needs.” Lucy trailed after the nurse into the dark and quiet NICU room, glancing at the two other bassinets in the room, each with what she presumed to be family around them, either gazing into the bassinet, or holding their baby. Lucy’s eyes met the bassinet holding the baby she had found, and her heart broke seeing the infants tiny body with wires and tubes coming out of her body, even though she had much less equipment than the other two infants in the room. 

“She’s so small,” Lucy whispered, looking into the bassinet.

“She’s actually the biggest baby on the ward at the moment.” The nurse said, pointing to the chair for Lucy to sit in. 

“So she was full term then?” Lucy said as she laid her duty belt on the table next to her, and unbuttoning her uniform shirt. 

The nurse nodded. “Yes, she was. And perfectly healthy, other than the meth in her system, which is surprising. It seems that her mother did try to abstain from drug use while pregnant, but she most likely slipped up towards the end.” 

“Wow.” Lucy said, taking off her white undershirt and laying it on top of her uniform shirt. “That’s not something I see too often.”

“Me either,” The nurse agreed, as she lifted up the infant and tucked her legs up, bringing her over to Lucy. Lucy opened her arms, and let the nurse rest the baby on her chest. Lucy immediately wrapped her arms around the baby, cuddling her as close as she could without hurting her. The nurse then laid a light pink blanket over the two of them with a smile. 

“If you need anything, just press the nurses button, and someone will come and check on you. And I will come and get you as soon as DCFS or your superiors show up.” 

Lucy nodded, her eyes not leaving the baby. “Thank you.” The nurse nodded, and headed out of the room. Lucy slowly began rocking back and forth in the chair, looking intently at the baby, who was wiggling around, head bobbing up and down on Lucy’s chest as she tried to get comfortable. 

Once the baby found a comfortable position, she opened her tiny mouth in a big yawn, and shut her eyes, falling asleep within seconds on Lucy’s warm skin. Lucy chuckled quietly, and began rubbing her hand up and down on her back, letting her get some well deserved sleep. 

After a few minutes of silence, there was a crash in the hallway from a cart crashing into a wall, and the baby jolted awake, before bursting into tears. Lucy immediately sat up, and hushed the baby in her arms. 

“You’re okay, sweet girl,” she whispered. “I know, that was loud, huh?” The baby hiccuped, and her tears slowly began to stop. Her eyes were open, and Lucy smiled. “It’s okay.” She continued speaking to the infant. “You’re safe with me.” She leant down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

The baby yawned again, and Lucy smiled at her, cupping the back of her head, rubbing her thumb back and forth against her soft skin. 

“I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I’ll never let you go,” Lucy began to sing, her eyes not leaving the baby. “When all those shadows almost killed your light, I remember you said don’t leave me here alone.

“But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight,” The baby didn’t move, just continued to stare up at Lucy as she sang. “Just close your eyes, the sun is going down. You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now.” 

A lump formed in Lucy’s throat as she gazed down at the infant in her arms. She couldn’t understand how lucky she was that Lucy was near the warehouse when she was. Despite being in Los Angeles, it was still December, and the temperature plummeted at night time, and had she been out there a few more hours, she would have died. 

And now, this tiny, defenceless orphan, who’s life only started today, had no one. Had no mother, more than likely no father, and she was about to go into the foster care system if DCFS couldn’t find a next of kin within a few days. And what made it worse, was how Lucy was already dreading putting her down. She didn’t want to put this baby down. She wanted to keep holding this little girl. She wanted to take her home, love her, protect her, and raise her. 

She took a deep breath as the baby’s eyes fluttered shut, and fell back into a peaceful sleep. She thought about offering to take her in, at least until DCFS found next of kin for her, if they were able to at all. She could, she was an emergency foster parent, and had been since she turned 20. She had an apartment in a safe part of the city, and made more than enough money to support the two of them. 

“You’re gonna be okay,” she said to the baby. “You’re gonna come home with me, and I’m going to keep you safe. I promise.” 

[falcqns]

give me back my girlhood (it was mine first)

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tim thinks Lucy has fully healed from Caleb. He is quickly proven wrong when they start dating.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: Tim Bradford would burn the entire world just to see Lucy Chen smile, trauma, ptsd, takes place around season 5, canon divergence, hints to autistic!Lucy (meltdowns, going nonverbal, stimming, etc), Lucy had seizures after Caleb, Tamara is Chenfords kid, can you tell I have a soft spot for Tamara, Title is from Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve by Taylor Swift, tagging @natashasera

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

Tim thought that the transition from just friends to in a relationship would be easy for him and Lucy, but he was quickly proven wrong. He also thought that Lucy had healed from what Caleb and Rosalind had done to her, but once again, he was proven wrong. She may have healed enough to continue day to day life in her normal manner, but when it came to their relationship, almost everything triggered her, and it broke Tim’s heart. 

The first time Tim had noticed that Lucy was being triggered was when they went on their first date. Lucy had ordered a drink, an old fashioned to be exact. She had taken a sip of it when it arrived at their table, and Tim saw how a line appeared between her two eyebrows. 

“Everything okay, Luce?” He asked quietly, prepared to flag down the waitress and have her remake the drink if it wasn’t up to Lucy’s standards. Lucy nodded slightly, but pushed the cup away. As she did so, Tim saw her hand shaking. 

“I-It tastes funny.” She whispered so quietly that Tim barely heard her. Tim moved closer to her in the booth. 

“It tastes funny?” He asked, and she nodded, tears beginning to form. 

“It doesn’t taste normal.” She said, her breathing picking up speed. Tim grasped her chin, guiding her eyes to his, and his stomach dropped when he saw the fear in them, realizing what was going on. Her drink tasted different to her, and it brought back memories to when she was drugged. Tim’s heart broke as she whimpered, tears beginning to spill over and roll down her cheeks, her breath speeding up.

“Luce, baby,” He whispered. “You’re safe. I know that what you’re feeling feels really real right now, but it’s not. You’re here with me, Tim, and you’re safe.” He said, still holding her face. “Can you nod if you can hear my voice, Goosey?” He said, and Lucy immediately nodded. “Good girl,” he praised, and smiled slightly when he saw her breathing slow slightly. 

“Can you tell me something that you can see?” He asked, and her eyes darted around briefly, before settling on Tim. 

“Y-You,” She stuttered, and Tim smiled. 

“You can see me?” He inquired, and she nodded. “Good girl.” 

He continued to quiz her on her surroundings until she was back in the present, and had calmed down. She was still upset, but Tim knew it was more out of embarrassment than anything. She had wrapped both her arms around his left one, and was resting her head on his shoulder, looking down at her lap. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Lucy didn’t respond with words, instead she grunted slightly, and snuggled into his shoulder even more. “Baby,” he whispered, and eased his arm out of her grip, and wrapped it around her shoulders. “How are you feeling?” 

Lucy, once again, didn’t respond, and buried her face in his chest. “Okay, okay,” He soothed, helping her get comfortable. “Do you want to eat, or do you want to go home?” He asked and Lucy shakily pointed to her plate, and Tim pulled it over, handing her her fork. Lucy then sat up, and slowly began eating her food. Tim went back to his own food once he was sure she was okay, but he kept his hand on her lower back. 

—

Tim had also noticed that Lucy seemed to fear arguments and disagreements with him. It was something he had taken note of when she first came back to work after Caleb. She was quiet, only talking when he spoke to her, and then if they got in as much as the slightest disagreement, she would shut it down and just agree with him, no matter how he knew she felt about the topic. He thought that she was just taking time to readjust to their relationship being strictly Rookie-TO at work, but he realized as soon as they started dating that she had developed a fear of men, and a fear of upsetting them. 

Tim had asked her what she wanted for dinner, and she had said she didn’t care, and that he could pick. Normally, Tim would be okay with that, but since asking her out, he had been making all the decisions in the relationship, in things that didn’t involve work. He had insisted that she choose, and she refused, and they went back and forth until Lucy completely shut down and stopped talking, which made Tim angry. 

And he knows it shouldn’t have made him angry, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted her to be able to eat what she wanted around him, and he didn’t want her to feel like he was controlling her or the relationship in anyway. He knew that she needed to feel in control, and he wanted her to be able to feel that. 

“Lucy, just tell me what you want to eat, and I will go and get it!” He said, exasperated, and Lucy shook her head aggressively, and turned away from him. “No,” he said, reaching out for her. “C’mon, talk to me, I just wanna help-“ he stopped talking when he saw her flinch away from him. He then watched through the reflection of the tv the fear that had appeared on her face. 

She then whimpered, and then shot up, running to her bedroom, sobs falling from her lips as she went. Tim immediately followed her, instantly feeling shitty about the way he had talked to her. He felt even shittier when he walked into her bedroom and saw her hiding behind the chair in the corner of her room by the window, the soft grey blanket that he bought her her first night in the hospital after Caleb giving away her position, the material peaking out from behind the legs. 

“Goosey,” Tim whispered, crouching down close to the chair, but also keeping his distance so that she didn’t feel trapped. “I’m sorry,” he started. “I shouldn’t have spoken like that. I didn’t mean to scare you. If you don’t feel like you can choose what to eat right now, that’s okay. I can choose for us.”

He paused, and waited to hear if Lucy would respond at all. After a moment, he heard her voice say something, but he couldn’t make out what she said. 

“Can you repeat that, Luce? I didn’t hear you.” He said, and Lucy’s voice could be heard again, this time louder. 

“Sorry,” she whispered. “Sorry I made you mad.” She continued, and Tim sighed, moving slightly closer. 

“Goosey, you didn’t make me mad at all. I just want you to be able to feel in control of your body and your choices, thats why I wanted to know what you wanted to eat. I shouldn’t have pressured you like I did, and I should have listened to your body language.”

“‘m sorry, please don’ hurt me,” she sobbed. “Didn’t mean it, I’ll be good,” 

Tim wiped away the tear that ran down his face after he realized that Lucy was having a flashback. 

“I want you to listen to me, Lucy.” He said calmly. “You’re here with me, in your bedroom, in your apartment in Los Angeles. Caleb is dead, and you’re safe. He can’t hurt you anymore, I promise.” He soothed, and after a few more moments of silence, he heard a sniffle, followed by a small “okay,” and then some shuffling. 

Lucy crawled out from behind the arm chair and looked up at Tim, slightly hiding her face behind her blanket. Tim gently held out his arms, letting her know she can come to him for comfort if thats what she needed. She slowly inched her way over to him, and fell into his arms. He wrapped his arms around her, and hugged her as tight to her body as he knew she liked, and stood up slowly, lifting her in the process. 

He let her cry out her emotions as he slowly rocked her back and forth, hoping the motion would help her to regulate her emotions. She eventually calmed down, and she snuggled into his shoulder, sniffling slightly. He rubbed her back as he walked out into the living room, whispering in her ear as he did. 

“Do you want me to choose what we eat? Would that make it easier on you?” He asked, and he nodded, taking a mental note of what to do next time she struggles like that. She needed to feel in control, but sometimes she needed him to make decisions for her, and he was okay with that. 

—

The thing that triggered Lucy that hurt him the most was the sound of a tattoo gun. Before Caleb, Lucy loved tattoos, and loved getting tattoos. She had often talked to not only him, but to their fellow officers, about tattoo’s that she wanted and was planning on getting. Tim had known that she had been tattoo’d by Caleb, he saw it when he was in the ambulance with her, and they had moved her shirt in order to do an ECG after she had her third consecutive seizure. His heart had clenched seeing the black ink on her rib cage, and in that moment he had hoped that she was asleep when the tattoo had been done. 

But of course, God must hate him, so she had been awake. Something he had no clue about until Tamara had asked them both to accompany her to her first ever tattoo appointment, where she was also getting a date, the date that the three of them had stood in front of the judge finalizing Lucy and Tim adopting Tamara. 

Lucy said yes immediately, without even thinking. Tim knew why, of course. Tamara had been let down by everyone in her life, and Lucy was determined to never let her down. Tim didn’t think anything of it, and was even thinking of getting his own tattoo, with both Lucy and Tamara’s birthdays. 

Everything was fine until Tamara was lying on the table, her arm out for the tattoo artist, prepped and ready for the ink. The tattoo gun began to buzz, and Lucy tensed up beside him. 

“Are you okay?” Tim said under his breath to Lucy, resting his hand on her knee, his other hand holding Tamara’s free one. 

“Mhm,” She said, eyes locked on the tattoo gun where it was permanently marking up her daughters skin. “Jus’ need to go to the bathroom,” She said, a little louder, and made brief eye contact with Tamara, clearly trying to tell the girl that everything was fine. Tamara nodded, her brows furrowing for a moment, but then relaxing after Lucy left the room. 

Tim waited a few minutes, before following her. “I’m just gonna go check on Mom, okay?” He said to Tamara. “I won’t be gone long.” She nodded, and Tim left the room. 

He looked towards the lobby, and could see Lucy outside, so he immediately joined her, where he found her near tears, looking up into the sky to preserve her makeup. 

“Luce-“ He started to say, but Lucy cut him off. 

“I’m fine.” She said, her voice short. 

Tim shook his head. “No, you’re not.” He said, and grabbed her hand. “You’re not, and that’s okay.” 

Lucy shook her head, and ripped her hand out of Tim’s grip. “No, its not, Tim!” She said, running her hands through her curls. “Because this is just another thing Caleb has taken from me.” She ranted. “I can’t even sit with my daughter while she gets her first tattoo, I-I can’t get any of the tattoo’s that I wanted to get, I can’t even listen to the buzzing noise of the gun because that’s what I woke up to after he took me-“ 

“Oh, Goosey,” Tim said sadly, immediately wrapping her up in his arms. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were awake when he did that to you. Had I known that, we could have explained to Tamara why you couldn’t go, or we could have brought your headphones-“ 

“I don’t need them!” Lucy yelled, pulling out of Tim’s arms, and crouching down, covering her ears wit her hands, her eyes squeezing shut. Tim sighed, and sat next to her, being mindful to not touch her until she asked or initiated contact. 

“Yes, you do, Goosey, and thats okay.” He said. “I’m not going to judge you for it, Tamara certainly isn’t going to judge you for it, and any person with more than half a braincell wouldn’t judge you for it. I suggested it because when you do wear them out of the house, you are able to cope better, and that’s all I wanted. And as for him taking the ability to get tattoo’s from you, he didn’t. If you really want to get another tattoo, I’m sure we can find a trauma informed tattoo artist that is willing to work with you on this.” He explained, as he wrapped an arm around her after she removed her hands from her ears, and rested her head on his shoulder. “But it’s entirely up to you, okay?” 

Lucy nodded, and sniffed. Tim kissed her on the head, and helped her stand up. She took a deep breath, and looked towards the tattoo shop door. “We should go back in,” she said, and Tim looked at her. 

“Are you sure you want to?” He asked. “You don’t have to, I can go back in and you can wait in the truck if it’s going to be too hard for you.” 

Lucy shook her head. “No, I-I think I was just a little unprepared, and that’s why it triggered me. I’m prepared to hear the noise, so I’ll be okay.” She said. “Tamara wanted both of us with her and I’m not going to let her down.” She finished, as she led him back inside, and into the room, where the artist was bandaging up Tamara’s tattoo. 

“Can I see it, bubba,” Lucy asked, walking up to Tamara’s side immediately. Tamara holds her arm out, while looking up worriedly at Lucy. 

“Are you okay, Mom?” She asked, and Lucy nodded, running a hand through Tamara’s hair. 

“Yeah, baby, I’m okay.” She said, assuring the teen. “I don’t want you to worry, okay?”

Tamara blinked, her lower lip wobbling slightly. “I’m always going to worry about you,” she whispered. “You’re my mom, and I know I don’t know everything that you went through but I know enough to know that you got triggered. I didn’t even think about that before asking, I’m sorry,” she said, a tear falling from her eye. 

“T,” Tim whispered, moving to her head and pressing a kiss to her head as he sat next to her on the table. “It’s okay. I don’t think any of us really thought about it.” He assured her, and Lucy nodded, sitting on the table as well. 

“Yeah. It did trigger me, but I removed myself from the situation, worked through what I was feeling, and then prepared myself to come back. It’s okay, I promise.” She said, cupping Tamara’s cheek, and rubbing her thumb back and forth. 

“Okay,” Tamara said, and as soon as Lucy seemed to be sure that Tamara was okay, she turned back and looked at the tattoo. “I love it, baby,” She said. 

“Me, too.” Tim said, smiling down at his daughter.

“Now,” Lucy said, smiling up at Tim. “Your dad just needs to get one, and we’ll be all inked up.” 

Tim shook his head but laughed along with his girls. 

—

Lucy wasn’t fully healed from Caleb, but Tim was going to do everything in his power to make sure that one day, she would be. Caleb had taken a lot from her, but Tim was going to make sure that she was able to reclaim what he had taken, no matter the cost. 

[falcqns]

i should go home (but i'm fighting that right now)

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tim isn’t okay with Lucy going undercover, but he’s good at hiding it. Or so he thinks.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: set during s3e06: Revelations, Tim Bradford is a simp for Lucy Chen, references to s2e11: Day of Death, mention of childhood abuse and neglect, hints to Tim being a Dom and Lucy being a Sub, angst, fluff, angst with a happy ending, undercover, rookie year, friends to lovers, tagging @natashasera

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

It wasn’t a secret to anyone in Mid Wilshire that Tim was protective of his rookies, but everyone also knew that he was more protective of Lucy than he had been of any other rookie he’d trained. Tim knew that everyone was aware, that Nyla was aware, which is what made it so much more aggravating that she’s letting her go undercover, and not letting him have a say in it at all. It wasn’t that Lucy wouldn’t be good at UC work, because she would. She would be the best at it, but he couldn’t lose her. Not only just in the way he lost Isabel, but he couldn’t lose her at all. He’d gotten a taste of a life without Lucy Chen and he knew now that a life without Lucy Chen is not a life worth living. 

Tim stood at the door of the roll call room, fuming so hard he was shocked he didn’t have smoke coming out of his ears. He wanted to shut this entire thing down. He was shocked that Grey even approved Lucy going under without his permission. Normally, Tim would have to approve something like this, and had he be given the opportunity to approve or deny her going on this op, he would have said no so quickly. But, he wasn’t the option, so all he could really do was announce his anger and disagreement with this and hope that she would pull out on her own. But knowing Lucy, she wouldn’t.

Tim had just enough self control to wait until the briefing was finished, but he did give Lucy a look that he hope portrayed just how angry he was when she was instructed to stand up so everyone could get a good look at her. 

People starting filtering out of the room, and Tim immediately stalked up to Nyla, and got in her face. 

“The hell are you doing?” He asked. “You can’t pit an untrained probationary officer against one of the most dangerous crime syndicates in California.” 

Nyla rolled her eyes, smirking slightly before responding. “I don’t want to hear it Tim,” She said, furrowing her brows at Tim and gesturing to Lucy. “She volunteered. Plus, Grey authorized it, and we have some of the best operational expertise she could ask for.”

Tim then ignored Nyla, turning to his rookie. “They know the gladiator cage you’re walking into.” He stated. “That’s not volunteering. That’s being used.” He stated, before walking out of the room, and heading back to his shop, anger flooding every inch of his body. 

He then spent the rest of the day trying to get the look on Lucy’s face out of his mind. He had been harsh with his words to her. And while he still stood behind what he said, it didn’t stop the guilt that he was feeling after seeing the hurt look on her face. She had been clearly seeking out his approval, like she always did, and he just tore her down instead. That was something he did at the start of her rookie year, but stopped when he had realized that she wasn’t driven by tough love, she was driven by praise and acceptance.

He knew that her thriving off of praise and acceptance was a reflection on her childhood, where she probably didn’t get that as much as she should have, if at all. From his one and only interaction with her parents, the day after he’d pulled her from the barrel, he knew that while Lucy’s parents never physically abused her, they definitely were neglectful at best, and mentally and emotionally abused her her entire life. 

Tim knew that, and Tim still acted like he did earlier. He still didn’t approve of her doing undercover work, but he could have at least tried to be supportive, and offer to help her in anyway possible. He could have been open with her, and told her his fears, and explained that he didn’t want her going undercover because he didn’t think she could handle it, it was because he didn’t want to lose her. He didn’t want to go days without talking to her, without hearing her cheerful voice, without seeing her beautiful face. He had 13 days left with her, and he didn’t want to spend those last 13 days without her. He wanted her by his side, where she was the safest, until her last day as his rookie was over, and he could ask her to be by his side like she belonged, forever. 

So while he wasn’t happy in the slightest that he was not given a choice when it came to his rookie going undercover, he accepted it, and then found himself on a rooftop with Nolan, watching the op go down. He put up with the conversation with Nolan, but kept his eyes on the nondescript van where he knew Lucy was. He saw Zhang step out, followed by Harper, holding a rifle. Lucy made her way out of the van. She looked scared, but Tim knew that when Lucy was scared on the job, she didn’t let it show on her face, which meant she was in character. 

Tim let out the breath that he was holding as he watched the op unfold. While he couldn’t hear what was happening, he was able to deduce what was happening through the body language of everyone involved. Suddenly, one of Salonga’s men pulled out a radio, and said something. Seconds later, another car pulled up, prompting Tim to pull out his own radio.

“We’ve got another guest at the party,” he said, a hint of anxiety in his voice that he wasn’t even trying to hide anymore. “Standby for rescue.” He put his radio back, and continued to watch the buy. 

As he did, he wanted nothing more than to pull Lucy out. He knew that she was strong, but the side of him that wanted to wrap her in bubble wrap and keep her by his side so nothing could hurt her wanted her out of that dangerous situation. But, he knew if he did that, she was going to be even more angry with him, and at the very best would cause her to resent him for the rest of her rookie year, and at the very worst would cause her to request a transfer and he would never see her again. His heart couldn’t handle that, not seeing her ever again, so he wouldn’t pull her out. She needed to see this through, and if anything went wrong, he would be there, protecting her in a heartbeat. 

He watched with bated breath as Lucy willingly got into the car with Salonga, his anxiety for her turning into anger. He knew that Nyla had grilled her about not going to a secondary location, and while yes, she technically wasn’t leaving the location, she was in a closed vehicle that they could only monitor the audio. Anything could be happening visually and they would have no clue what was happening until it was too late. 

When Lucy stepped out of the car a few minutes later, he let out the breath he had been holding. The next few moments flew by in a blur of seeing the money, being told to move in, and running up to Chen, placing her hands behind her back and cuffing her. 

As he started to lead her to their shop, number 7-a-19. He helped her into the back of the shop, watching as she looked him in the eyes for the first time since he had berated her in front of Zhang and Harper. “You did good,” He said simply. He wanted to wait until they were alone to have a proper conversation, not only about how proud he was of her, but also about how stupid of a decision it was (in his opinion) to get into Salonga’s car. He shut the door, rounded the car, shut the other back door, and hopped in the front. He got in the front, pulling out of the parking garage, and heading toward the station. 

Once they were on the freeway, Tim fished out the handcuff key from his belt, and handed it to Lucy. 

“I’m still mad at you,” Lucy said, accepting the key, and un-cuffing herself.

Tim nodded in understanding. “I know,” he said. “I’m mad at you too.” 

Lucy laughed. “For what?!”

Tim looked at her in the rearview mirror. “Where should I start? Going behind your training officers back, volunteering for an undercover op without approval from said training officer, getting into Salonga’s car where we couldn’t monitor everything happening.” He listed. “Not to mention, had Grey not told me, I highly doubt you would have on your own accord.” 

“I didn’t come to you before volunteering for two reasons.” Lucy snapped. “1, there was no time, it was a heat of the moment decision because we were in danger, and 2, because I knew you wouldn’t approve.”

Now it was Tim’s turn to laugh. “Damn right. You are MY rookie, and that means that you are MY responsibility. You’re damn right I wouldn’t have approved of you going undercover. You are not experienced, you’re still a rookie for gods sakes! There shouldn’t have been an opportunity for you to be even exposed to undercover work.” He said loudly.

Tim immediately regretted his words and tone when he hear Lucy sniffle from the back seat. 

“S-So you don’t think I’m good enough for undercover work.” She stated. “Really loving the support from my TO right now. I thought you would have been proud of me.” 

Tim sighed, and pulled the shop over. He got out of the shop, and opened up the backseat, letting Lucy out. She didn’t make eye contact with him, and slapped the cuffs and key in his hand. 

“Get in the front seat.” He said. 

“Why?” Lucy challenged. 

Tim rolled his eyes, exasperated with her attitude. “Get in the car, Boot.” He snapped, getting back in the drivers seat. 

“Its shop, not a fucking car!” Lucy yelled at him as she walked (more like stomped) around the car. 

Tim ran a hand over his face, and sighed, before turning to Lucy when he heard the passenger door slam. 

“Okay first of all, stop with the attitude.” He said, and Lucy’s mouth dropped open. 

“I do not ha-“ She started, but then Tim grasped her chin, and looked into her eyes. 

“You do. You have an attitude right now, and I’m sick of it. I know you just went through a very stressful situation, that you’re tired, and angry, but I need you to stop acting like Lucy, and start acting like Officer Chen, got it?” He said, sternly, and Lucy nodded, eyes wide. Tim swallowed, trying not to think too much about how easily she submitted to him.

“Yes, I am mad at you. For all the reasons I mentioned. My anger is valid and justified. I know that, and I know for a fact that you know that. I am angry that you did this without coming to me first, but it is not because I think that you can’t handle it, or that you’re not strong enough for undercover work. It’s because I already lost someone important to me to undercover work and I am not willing to risk that with you, okay?” He said, and Lucy nodded, gulping, tears starting to form in her eyes. 

“You did great. You did better than I was expecting you to, but that doesn’t mean that I’m okay with it.” He expressed. “We can talk more about that later, but right now I need you to tell me what you need to recover from the op. You are not yourself, because regular Lucy would not yell, stomp, or swear at me like you did. So, lets get back to the station, so you can be debriefed and I can drive you home. Can we do that?” He asked, and Lucy nodded, her body starting to relax in Tim’s hold. “Good girl.” 

“‘m sorry,” Lucy whispered as Tim released her cheek. “‘m sorry I yelled at you.” Her tears spilled over and began running down her cheeks, and Tim wasted no time in wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close to his chest. 

“Its okay.” He whispered. “I’m not mad anymore, okay?” He reassured, and Lucy nodded, still sobbing. “And for the record, I am proud of you. I’ve never been prouder of a rookie than I am of you. So I want you to get the doubt of my pride in you out of your head. Me being proud of you and me being angry with the way things went down are not related.” He reassured her. 

“O-Okay.” She stuttered. Tim nodded, pressed a small kiss to the top of her head, and then removed his arm, and was about to grab onto the steering wheel when Lucy grabbed it, and gripped it tightly. Tim smiled, but let her hold on to his arm as he drove. 

They made it back to the station a while later, and Lucy was immediately pulled away by Nyla for their debrief, but not before Tim told her to change out immediately after and wait at his truck. Tim was also pulled into his own debrief, as he was just surveillance and wasn’t able to know the intimate details of the operation against Salonga. He also had a rather uncomfortable conversation with Grey about why he had interrupted the briefing and spoke to his rookie like that, where he explained his reasonings, and got off rather easily, as Grey understood where he was coming from but insisted that next time he needs to speak to his rookie with the respect and kindness that she had more than earned. 

He changed out, and met Lucy by his truck, where she was standing, looking around nervously. 

“Hey,” he said, with a smile on his face to let her know he really wasn’t mad anymore. “How are you feeling?” 

Lucy shrugged, a small, unsure smile on her face. “Im good. Tired.” She said, as Tim walked closer. 

“I can imagine.” He said. He put his bag down at his feet, and tucked his hands into his pants. “Look, I know that I was out of line earlier today, during the briefing.” He began. “I was scared for you, and angry that had I not gone to see Grey on my own accord, theres a high likely hood I would have been kept in the dark about it, but I had no right to yell at you and talk to you the way that I did. You deserved to have to support throughout your first undercover operation, and I should have put my personal issues with undercover work aside and helped you. So, I’m sorry.” 

“Wow,” Lucy said, her eyebrows raising. “An I’m sorry? From Tim Bradford? That was not what I was expecting at all.” She said, and Tim furrowed his own brows in confusion. 

“What were you expecting me to say?” 

Lucy looked him in the eyes. “I was honestly expecting you to say that while I did good today you stand by what you said this morning and that I shouldn’t be doing undercover work at all, much less while I’m still a rookie.” 

Tim sighed, looked down, and moved closer to Lucy. “That’s not what I think, or what I meant by my little speech in the car earlier. I was just struggling with my own shit, but I now realize that I shouldn’t let my own trauma trigger yours, and it wasn’t okay for me to grab your face like that, or speak to you like I did.” 

“And by realizing, you mean Grey yelled at you?” She joked, and Tim nodded with a sheepish smile. “Thats what I thought. And about the grabbing my face, I actually liked that. It helped me focus, and helped ground me.” She explained. 

Tim moved even closer to her, brushing a stray hair out her face as he cupped her face. “Really?” He asked. “You liked it?” He asked in a slightly joking tone, and smiled even bigger when he saw her become slightly flustered. Suddenly, the confession that he was saving for after her last shift as a rookie was on the tip of his tongue, and he did nothing to stop it. 

“Do you want to know the real reason I didn’t want you going undercover?” He asked, and Lucy immediately nodded. “The reason I didn’t want you doing this is because I’m just overprotective of my rookies. I was upset because you mean more to me than any of those other rookies ever did. I trained them, they graduated to P2 or washed out, and I moved on to the next rookie. Until you walked into the room, and I was assigned as your training officer. Most rookies would have just followed orders and let me die or ran for the hills if I got shot on their second ever shift. But, not you. You stayed, disobeyed me but pulled me from danger, and thats when I knew that training you was going to be different. But, it wasn’t until I came in to work on December 9th, 2019, that I realized that I was in love with you.” He admitted, his voice shaking slightly, but determined to get this out before he lost the confidence. He saw Lucy’s eyebrows raise slightly, her lips drop one, and tears rim her eyes once more.

“W-What?” Lucy stuttered, swallowing hard. “You’re in love with me?” She asked. 

At first, Tim wasn’t sure whether she was happy or sad about that, but then he looked deep into her eyes, and behind her beautiful brown eyes, he saw happiness. He saw hope, and most importantly, he saw the love she had for him. And that happiness, hope, and love gave him the boost do not answer her with words, but instead, answer her by leaning in, and pressing his lips to hers, hoping he was able to convey the love he had in his heart, body and mind for Lucy through the kiss. 

Lucy melted into his body, and he held her as close as he could, knowing for the first time since he pulled her from that barrel that she was safe, fully safe, and that she would be by his side, forever, just like he wanted. 

[falcqns]

𝐫𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐮

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Chris Evans x foster!little!Reader

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: when Chris falls down a rabbit hole one the internet about age regression and caregiving, he decides he wants to be a caregiver. he signs up to be a foster caregiver through a charity called 'The Big and Little Society of Massachusetts'. he went through the required steps and completed all the training, and just received news that he would be fostering his first ever little. his whole life was about to change, and he couldn't wait.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: age regression, ddlg, abdl, ADHD (based off my experience so please keep that in mind), slight angst with lots of comfort, crying, mentions of hospital and hints to past abuse but its literally just a mention, mentions of eating.

✰ 𝐚/𝐧: this is the first chapter of my au that i've said i was going to start months ago and never did, and is also my entry for @dadplease 's 5k Stuffie Writing Contest!! congrats on 5k Eun!! tagging @natashasera as usual, and some others that i think would enjoy this!! @uhmellamoanna @amazingarfield @thewritingbabe <3

don't forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

Chris was pacing back and forth in his living room, trying to focus his mind. he kept trying to tell himself that everything was going to be fine, and that he had nothing to worry about.

in reality, he had everything to worry about.

a few months ago, Chris was on TikTok before bed, and had come across a video of a man making a video about how he calms his little down when they're having a tantrum. Chris was going to just scroll past it, but something about the video captivated him, and he ended up binging his videos until 3 am. he watched the man, who's name was Luke, talk about what age regression and caregiving was, why it was beneficial, and breaking the stigma around it. Luke also had videos of him and his little day to day and doing activities such as going to the park, going grocery shopping, and getting ready for bed.

the next few days consisted of Chris doing all the research he could about age regression and caregiving, and that's when he came across The Big and Little Society of Massachusetts. it was a small agency based in Boston that focused on breaking the stigma around age regression and ensuring that age regressors were with quality caregivers, and helping those who weren't. what intrigued Chris was that this agency had a foster program for age regressors who had recently left a bad relationship, as well as an anonymous tip line to use if someone was concerned about an age regressor or their caregiver.

Chris had just got off the phone with his accountant, planning to make a donation to the agency, when he decided to click on the 'Foster A Little!' application. he read through the application briefly, and decided to apply.

he completed the application, and a few days later he was contacted by one of the social workers. his application had been accepted, and he was moved to the next phase.

he went to all the trainings, interviews and meetings. he enlisted Scott and his mom to help him clean his house for the inspection, and two months after his initial application, he was an official Foster Caregiver. all he was waiting for was the call.

the call that he got yesterday while on set. they'd called and informed him that there was a young adult female little in need of a foster caregiver immediately, and Chris immediately accepted. they told him that as soon as she was discharged from the hospital, her social worker would bring her over, something that slightly worried Chris. they'd emailed him her file, and he had practically memorized it at this point, especially her little age.

he'd spent the entire morning shopping. he had bought a crib, bibs, and a TON of toys. he didn't know exactly what she would need until she got to his house and he got to know her, but it couldn't hurt to be prepared.

Chris picked up the lion stuffie that he had bought at the store, smiling to himself. he'd gotten all he needed in the toy aisle, and was walking passed the stuffed animals, when the lion caught his eye. he contemplated leaving it and letting her pick one out for herself, but something in his gut told him to buy it, so he did.

Chris glanced at the clock one more time and gulped nervously when it said 5:58. the social worker had called him around lunch time and told him that his new foster little had been cleared to go home, and they'd be discharged soon. they'd be picking up her prescriptions, and then heading over to his house. ever since the call had come, he'd been running around like a madman, making sure his house was in order.

his head shot up when he heard tire against gravel, and he placed the stuffed animal on the table. he called Dodger over to him, and placed him in his crate. Chris knew the puppy would get overexcited by the little, and based on the little information he had been given, Dodger would scare the crap out of her, and she'd been through enough.

he heard a car door close, and two people walk up to his house. he took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves, as the doorbell rang.

he gulped once more, before opening the door. the second the door opened to reveal you, his heart broke at how sad and utterly exhausted you looked. the whites of your eyes were red and watery, and your eyelids were fighting to stay open. you were shaking in the cold night air, your leggings and thin sweater barely keeping you warm.

"hi," Chris said warmly, and the social worker, Kayla, smiled back at him, before grasping your hand.

"this is Chris," Kayla said softly. "you're going to stay with him for a while, okay?"

you nodded so small that Chris almost missed it, and Chris could see your chin wobbling under your baby pink paci in your mouth. Chris moved to the side, and let you and Kayla in. he saw the black duffel bag on the ground, and grabbed it.

"I'm going to have to go now, but everything is going to be fine. you're going to be safe here, I promise." Kayla said rubbing your arm. "if you need anything, you can call me, okay?" she said, and you nodded again. she smiled at you, and squeezed your arm gently before turning towards Chris and handing him a white paper bag.

"here's her medication," she said. "she had her nighttime meds at the hospital as the discharge took a little longer than expected, so she'll probably need to sleep soon." Chris nodded.

"okay. does she take any in the morning?"

Kayla nodded. "yes. she takes 50mg of Vyvanse, and it must be taken before 10am, and must be taken after she's eaten. the other two prescriptions can be taken with it, but isn't necessary, its just anti anxiety meds and pain management." she said, and Chris nodded, reading over the medication names briefly.

"awesome, thank you. has she eaten?" he asked, and Kayla glanced at you.

"i got her a happy meal, but she didn't eat the whole thing, so i put it in this bag incase she wants the rest of her nuggets tomorrow," she said, handing Chris a plastic bag. "she probably wont eat anymore tonight, but will most likely be very hungry tomorrow."

"okay. anything else i should know?"

"just her doll. it's in her duffel bag, and she sleeps with it every night. i normally gift any littles i work with with a stuffy but i haven't had a chance to stop at the store, unfortunately."

"not a problem," Chris said with a smile. "i picked one up at the store for her."

"oh, thank you so much." Kayla said with a smile, resting a hand on her chest. "i was worried that she wouldn't have one. we're still working on getting her belongings from her old residence and she did have a few stuffed animals that we weren't able to grab in the 15 minutes we were there, and i didn't want her to be without them for too long. i'll bring the rest of her things by in a few days." Kayla said, and Chris nodded, seeing you looking around apprehensively.

"okay. thank you so much, Kayla," he said, and she smiled, looking at you as well.

"you're welcome. she's a sweet little girl who was not treated right, but i am confident that she'll be in good hands with you." Kayla said.

her and Chris exchanged goodbyes, and after she said goodbye to you once more, before leaving. Chris turned to look at you, and saw a tear running down your cheek.

'hi sweetie," he said to you, keeping his voice quiet and gentle. "you're going to be safe here, okay?" he said. "are you sleepy?"

you nodded, your paci bobbing in your mouth as you suckled on it.

"okay. i'll give you a little tour before we head upstairs as i want to put your food in the fridge. do you wanna hold my hand?" he asked, holding his hand out, his palm facing down, and you nodded, reaching out shakily. your palm, which was much smaller than his, wrapped around his pinkie, and let Chris lead you through the house.

he smiled when he saw the lion on the kitchen table, and grabbed it with his free hand.

"i got this for you, sweetheart." he said quietly. "Miss Kayla said she was going to come by with your other stuffies in the next few days, but i thought you'd like this one in the mean time," he said, and his heart squeezed, seeing your eyes light up, and reach out for the stuffy.

you cooed as you felt the soft fur, before rubbing it against your cheek. Chris smiled, fighting the urge to kiss your forehead. "wait here, okay?" he said, and he placed the food in the fridge, before leading you through the house. as you passed Dodger, who was asleep, in his crate, Chris stopped.

"this is Dodger, my puppy. he's sleeping now, but you can meet him tomorrow. do you like dogs?" he asked, and you nodded, your head tipping to the left seeing the snoozing pup. "well, that's good. he's going to love you."

he led you through the rest of the house, and into the bedroom, where the crib was standing next to his bed.

"this is your crib." he said, bringing you up to it, and letting you touch it. "when you're big, you don't have to sleep in here, but when you're little i want you to, atleast for a little while, okay?"

you nodded again, and yawned, your hand rubbing the soft material of the fitted sheet.

"let's get you ready for bed, alright?" he said, and you nodded. "what do you want to wear?" he asked, and you pointed to the duffel on his shoulder. Chris placed it down on the bed, and opened it. a Goldberger baby doll was laying on top, dressed in a red dress. "is this your baby?" he asked and smiled as you nodded and grasped the doll in your other hand. he lifted a weighted blanket out of the bag, and saw some sleep shorts on top. "these?" he asked, and you nodded.

"okay."

he helped you get dressed, and tried to take your new stuffy and your doll away just so he could get you settled into the crib, when you started crying and plopped on your bum, rocking slightly, shaking your head. Chris felt his heart breaking, and crouched in front of you.

"oh, sweet girl," he soothed. "i wasn't going to take them from you. they're yours, and i would never take them from you. i just wanted to set them on the bed so that you could get all snug in bed, and then i was going to hand them back, okay?" he said, and you slowly stopped rocking, and nodded, looking up at him nervously. you shakily handed over your doll, and then your lion, eyes following the two comfort items as Chris sat them on his bed. "there," Chris said. "they're going to watch us get all comfy, okay?" he said, and you nodded.

Chris lowered the crib bar, and turned to you. "can i lift you in?" he asked. "i don't want to touch you without your permission." he said, and you nodded, raising your arms.

Chris grabbed you under the armpits, and lifted you up, bringing you over to the bed and laying you down. he grabbed the weighted blanket, and laid it over you. you wiggled around as he grabbed the comforter at the end of the crib.

"do you want this one too?" he asked. "i'm guessing you're still a little cold, huh?" and draped it over you when you nodded, your eyes still locked on your stuffy and doll. "okay, sweetie pie." he said, turning and grabbing the items. "here's your doll," he said, handing you the doll and smiling when you gripped it tight and pulled her to your chest. "and here's your lion." he said, chuckling when he saw your legs kicking slightly in happiness as you snuggled the lion to your chest as well.

he crouched down near your head. "i'm going to be right there, okay?" Chris said, pointing to his bed behind him. "if you need me, just call, okay?" you nodded, eyes shutting, burying your face in your new lion stuffy.

Chris ran his hand over your back as your breathing evened out, smiling at your sweet face. "you're so beautiful," he whispered, his thumb stroking over your cheek. "you're safe here, okay? nothing is going to hurt you ever again, i promise."

[falcqns]

𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐚

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Harry Styles x Reader x Adopted Daughter!Matilda Wormwood

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: You were there as I battled my fears, I fell and you helped me to stand. When the storm finally cleared, You were there...You were still holding my hand.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: insinuates that Matilda is on the Autism Spectrum, sensory issues, vaguely mentioned and implied childhood trauma, slight canon divergence (miss honey reported her parents to cps and matilda was placed with the reader as a foster placement), references to the movie, telekinesis, based on Matilda: The Musical, not Matilda (1996)

✰ 𝐚/𝐧: eep im nervy to post this but we all know that when @natashasera tells me i should write something im going to listen!! hope u enjoy!!

You were riding your bike to the sound of It's No Big Deal

And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels

Nothing 'bout the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming till now

So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” You asked, from your spot in the doorway. The six-year-old shook her head. 

“No, I can do it.” She said. “I’ve been running my own baths since I was 3.” She said, as she measured out her unscented bubble bath and poured it into the bath. 

Your heart cracked slightly when you heard that. She had gone through a lot, and it was clear. You didn’t know the full extent of everything, but from the little bits and pieces that you got from her social worker and her teacher, Miss Honey, her first six years of life had been filled with more bad than good. 

“I know you can,” you emphasized, “but you don’t have to. It’s my job to take care of you, you know that right?” You joked and smiled seeing the tiniest of smiles on her lips. 

“Yes, I know.” She said. “But I like doing things myself,” she reasoned. She then paused, looking at the water with apprehension. “But, if I need help, I can call for you, right?” She asked, and you nodded. 

“Of course,” you agreed. “Just shout for me if you need anything, okay?” 

She nodded with a small smile. “Okay.”

You exited the bathroom with a smile and shut the door behind you before you headed into the living room. 

You knew that her being independent had its benefits, for her at least. But it still worried you. She was six. Six-year-olds, while they should be gaining independence, shouldn’t be forced to learn how to survive as she had. Because previous to her being placed with you, it was clear she had been surviving, not living, something you were desperate to change as soon as you could. 

A few minutes later, Matilda exited the bathroom, fully dressed in her pyjamas. She walked over to you, and stood in front of you. She gulped before speaking. 

“T-thank you,” she said. “For the pyjamas. They’re really soft. I like them a lot.” 

You smiled warmly and sat up. “Of course, love.” you said. “Are you all ready for bed?” you asked, and she nodded. “Good. Do you want me to read you a book before bed?” 

She shook her head. “It’s alright, I can read by myself.” she offered. 

It was your turn to shake your head. “I know you can, honey. I’m asking if you want me to.” 

She paused briefly before she nodded. There was fear lingering behind her eyes, and it was clear she had been through hell. 

“Yes,” she said. “I would l-like that a lot.”

You can let it go

You can throw a party full of everyone you know

And not invite your family

'Cause they never showed you love

You narrowly avoided the Harry Potter book that was aimed at your head, the thick book hitting the wall behind you, and falling to the ground. ‘It’s not her fault,’ you reminded yourself. ‘When she gets upset, she can’t control her powers.’ 

Those words were the same words you’d been repeating to yourself since Matilda had been placed under your care. Of course, her powers scared you at first, but you knew you couldn’t let your fear show, so you didn’t. It seemed the less afraid you appeared, the more willing she was to use them, in good ways of course. 

That being said, there were also always bad times, like today. 

It was her birthday, and you’d decided to bake her a cake, buy her all of the presents she’d been wanting, and even invite her friends from school over. What you didn’t think of was how she could possibly be overwhelmed by all of that after not receiving that kind of treatment growing up. 

She was excited when she saw the cake, but her mood quickly shifted when she saw the presents by her recliner in the living room. At least 20 presents (you’d stopped counting after the 10th) were piled on the seat itself, and the ones that didn’t fit on the chair were resting on the floor in front of the chair. 

She seemed stuck as if she was actually rooted to the carpet. She looked at all of the presents, some of them bigger than she was. Her chest began to move up and down rapidly, and you smiled, thinking she was going to cry happy tears (like she did when you bought her a copy of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, the first book Mrs. Phelps had recommended to her, which quickly became her favourite.), but you were proven wrong when she ran out of the living room, into the hall closet, and locked the door behind her. 

You’d tried bargaining with her, you tried asking what was wrong and how you could help her, but nothing worked. It wasn’t until things around the house started to float that you realized that she was overstimulated. Too much was happening too soon, and her extraordinary mind, the mind that could do math equations in seconds that would take you years, couldn’t handle it. 

You’d suspected since you’d taken her in that she was neurodivergent, but it was moments like this that made it abundantly clear that she was. Her trauma from her birth parents and former headmistress certainly didn’t do anything to help.  You’d berated yourself instantly, thinking about how you could have completely overlooked the fact that something like this would overwhelm her. 

You took a moment, breathing deeply in order to regulate your own emotions. Yes, it was frustrating to have things thrown at you by a now 7-year-old with telekinesis. Yes, it was sometimes a struggle to calm her when she had a meltdown, but you had to remember that her brain worked differently. Not only that, she had been through some severe trauma, and on top of that, she was only 7. Meltdowns and ‘tantrums’ were normal for her age, and it was your job to help her learn how to regulate and express those emotions properly. 

“Matilda, love,” you said quietly into the wooden door separating you and her. “You’re safe.” you reminded her. “I know you’re overwhelmed, and it’s okay. You’re allowed to do whatever you need to do in order to feel better, okay?” you reminded her. She often felt like she was ‘too old’ to have emotions like this, and you knew that it stemmed fully from the headmistress. 

“We don’t have to open the presents right now, we can wait until later,” you said. “If that’s what you want to do.” you left the decision up to her. There was a pause, and then the doorknob to the closet turned, and Matilda stepped out, tears running down her face silently. 

You opened your arms and Matilda ran into them, letting you comfort her. “T-thank you,” she whispered. She squeezed you tight, so tight you felt like she could hug all the air out of you. 

“You’re so welcome, Tilds.” you said, your hand playing with her hair. “You deserve the world, especially on your birthday. Do you want to open your gifts now, or do you want to wait a little bit?” 

Matilda looked at you. “Could I open some now and then the rest when Lavender and Amanda are here a little later?” She asked, and you chuckled. 

“Sure.” You said, and Matilda released you, and ran into the living room, excited to open her presents. 

You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up

Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright

But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside

You flipped the page in your textbook, yawning as you looked between it and your computer screen. You could see Matilda out of the corner of your eye as she made herself a snack before bed. You had offered, more than once, to make it for her, but she insisted that she could do it herself, so you’d busied yourself with studying. 

You’d just finished typing up a paragraph when you heard a glass shatter in the kitchen. Your head snapped up, eyes frantically searching for your foster daughter. She was frozen, tears rimming her blue eyes as she looked between you and the shards of glass and milk on the kitchen's tile. 

“Oh, Tilds,” you said, abandoning your schoolwork. “It’s alright, we can get you another glass,” you said, walking into the kitchen. You motioned for her to come closer, but the tiny 7-year-old stayed rooted to her spot, looking at you in fear. 

“‘m sorry,” She whispered. “I’ll clean it up, didn’t mean to,” she began to say. “L-lost my grip. W-won’t happen again-n,” she said, voice small. 

“Love,” you sighed sadly. “It’s alright, I know it wasn’t on purpose,” you said. You slowly crouched down to her level and held out your hands. “I’m not mad, I promise,” you explained. “Can you walk around the glass for me? Just so I can make sure you’re not hurt?” you asked, and she nodded small, and slowly and carefully stepped around the shards of glass. 

She took your hand, and you checked over her body, looking for any cuts. Finding none, you reached up and wiped away the tears that were slowly making tracks down Matilda’s face. “I’m not mad, I promise,” you explained. She nodded, a disbelieving look on her face, and you were suddenly overcome with the urge to hunt her birth parents down. “Tilds, can you look at me, love?” you asked gently, and she slowly raised her eye line to meet yours. “Accidents happen. I’ve done the same thing. You don’t need to be afraid. It was just a glass. It cost me maybe $2 since I got it at the Dollar Store.” you tried to explain but she just continued to cry silently. 

“Matilda,” you whispered. “Does my face look mad?” you asked. She looked up at you and studied your face for a moment. “What does a mad face look like?” you prompted since you knew she struggled to recognize facial expressions. “Are my eyebrows scrunched?” she shook her head. “Nostrils flared?” another head shake. “Am I frowning?” A third head shake. “So am I mad?” you asked and she paused for a moment, but shook her head. 

“No, love, I am not mad at you,” you said and opened your arms to let her decide whether she wanted comfort or not. She immediately made her decision and let you wrap her in your arms. You stood up, lifting her up and holding her close. Her head rested against your shoulder as her tiny body began to relax. 

“Ready for bed, my love?” you whispered, before kissing her forehead. She nodded, her arms curling underneath her as you walked towards the stairs. Your hand rubbed up and down her back, the glass and milk left to be dealt with later. 

You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days

It's none of my business but it's just been on my mind

Your heart pounded in your chest as you watched Matilda stare out the front window, waiting for Harry’s car to pull into the driveway. 

You and Harry had been dating for a few months. The two of you had met in a bookstore just 2 days before Matilda was brought to you. You’d been informed of a placement, and were out shopping for things for her room. This would be your first foster placement, and while you didn’t know how long she would be with you, you wanted to make her feel as safe as possible while she was here. 

You’d been shopping for books for her. Based on what the social worker had told you, she loved reading and was really smart. 

Books were a good place to start. 

You and Harry had been the only two in the shop, other than the owner, adn he struck up a conversation about the copy of Jane Eyre that you were holding. You informed him you’d never read it, but that your new foster child loved it. Harry commended you on fostering, and then said that if you got a chance, you should read it. 

You two kept talking for a few minutes, and you left a little later with a bunch of new books for Matilda (all recommended by Harry), his number, and a lunch date for the following week. 

The first date went exceptionally well. You’d gone to a small diner for lunch, as Harry didn’t have much free time, and between your own job and picking Matilda up from school, you only had an hour to spare that day. 

“How’s she been doing?” he asked. 

You smiled. The two of you had been texting back and forth, and you’d kept him updated on Matilda’s first night. 

“She’s adjusting,” you explained. “Thank you, by the way, for the suggestion about the soft pyjamas. She loved them.” 

“As she should. Organic cotton is the only thing pyjamas should be made of.” 

The two of you went on 3 more dates before he worked up the courage to ask you to be his girlfriend, which you accepted immediately. You continued to grow closer to him, but despite how much you loved him already, you were scared for him to meet Matilda. 

But eventually, you knew you couldn’t put it off any longer, and agreed. 

You can let it go

“Hi, Matilda.” Harry said a warm smile on his face. “My name is Harry.” 

“Y-You’re Harry Styles, arent you?” She asked, eyes as wide as saucers. You and Harry laughed. 

“Why yes I am,” he said. “Are you a fan?” he asked and Matilda nodded.

“She’s obsessed with Falling,” you said and Harry laughed. 

“She’s got good taste.”

You can throw a party full of everyone you know

And not invite your family

'Cause they never showed you love

You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up

Harry and Matilda got along so well. 

You knew you had nothing to be worried about, but there was something about seeing your boyfriend jump up to comfort Matilda when she got overwhelmed at his family gathering and try to elope warmed your heart. 

He was able to calm her instantly. She loved his voice, and he was more than willing to sing for her. On late nights, when you were working, it was often only his voice singing Falling to her that soothed her into a dreamless sleep, something she needed. 

You knew these two were going to be your family. 

You can see the world

Following the seasons

Anywhere you go

You don't need a reason

'Cause they never showed you love

You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own

You watched as Harry walked with Matilda, the pair hand in hand, as he helped her jump over the waves that were rolling in in the evening sun. Matilda was practically talking his ear off, but neither of you cared. 

You were just happy that your girl was finally letting her personality shine, and was no longer the quiet and shy girl she was when she was first placed in your care. She wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, to ask for things she needed, and for things she wanted. She was no longer afraid to tell you about her day or to express her emotions freely. She was healing, and that’s all that you cared about. 

“Did you know there are four main types of breaking waves: spilling waves, plunging waves, collapsing waves, and surging waves?” Matilda asked Harry, who expressed that he didn’t know that. 

“That’s interesting, though.” He commented. “It makes sense now that you’ve brought it up, I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that before.” He said and ruffled her hair, which made her giggle. 

“Shocking how a seven-year-old knew that and not you,” She sassed him, and Harry snorted out a laugh before scooping Matilda up, prompting giggles and squeals to erupt from her mouth. “Cheeky little miss!” 

That phrase had previously brought tears to her eyes, and flashbacks to her birth parents. Now, it brought her joy and never failed to make her laugh. She giggled as Harry carried her over to you, squealing when Harry planted a loud kiss on her cheek. Harry placed her on her feet and she ran to grab her sand toys, mumbling something about making the perfect sand castle, while Harry sat next to you.

God, you loved your little family.

You're just in time, make your tea and your toast

You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes

You don't have to go

You don't have to go home

Oh, there's a long way to go

I don't believe that time will change your mind

In other words

I know they won't hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go

Harry felt Matilda tense next to him as they were in the freezer section. He looked down and saw her small chest rising and falling rapidly as she looked at a couple down the same aisle. Her eyes moved from them to the food in the cart as she clearly tried to calm herself down. The bread and apples began to float, and Harry was finally able to register who the couple was. Her birth parents. 

“Tilds, hey,” he whispered, crouching down. “Love, can you hear me?” 

Matilda nodded, her fists clenching. “Okay.” He said. “Are those your birth parents?” he asked, and she nodded, a small whimper escaping. He hated that he had to ask, but he had to be sure. “It’s alright, love. You’re with me and Y/N now, remember?” He asked, and she nodded, a tear dripping from her eye. He tapped her back gently, prompting her to turn so he could comfort her. He scooped her up immediately and held her close to his chest as he turned the cart around, chicken nuggets forgotten about. “You’re with us now. We will never hurt you,” he whispered to his girl. 

You can let it go

You can throw a party full of everyone you know

You can start a family who will always show you love

Harry jostled your shoulder with his lightly. “I started writing a song about her.” he mentioned, his head nodding to Matilda, who was working on her sandcastle. 

You looked at him surprised. “Really? What’s it called?” 

Harry chuckled. “Matilda. It felt wrong to name it something else.” You smiled before a thought came into your head. 

“Are you sure about releasing it?” you asked. “I don’t know how she’ll feel about the whole world knowing about her trauma,” you mentioned, and Harry smiled, his wide hand reaching out to rub your back, soothing you. 

“It’s very vague, love.” he reassured. “It doesn't mention anyone else but her name. Of course, people are going to put two and two together, I mean it’s not exactly a secret that she’s ours,” He said, and you could help but break out into a smile when you heard him refer to Matilda as your daughter. “But no one will know about what she went through until she decides to tell the world, when, and if she ever does.” 

You nodded, nerves calmed. “C-Can I hear it?” Harry smiled. 

“Of course. Tonight, when she’s in bed. I want to surprise her with it.” 

=

Later that night, when Matilda was sound asleep in her bed, you were sitting next to Harry on the couch as he prepared to show you the song for the first time. 

His fingers rested on the strings of his guitar briefly before he began to play the first notes and sing. 

“You were riding your bike to the sound of It’s No Big Deal…”

As the song went on, you had a hard time containing your emotions. He had captured her journey, her personality, and the struggles she was facing perfectly, without revealing much of the actual story. 

It was so clear he understood her, felt for her, and loved her. He knew what she had been going through, and what she was struggling with. When the two of you began dating, you were worried about introducing him to her. You weren't worried about them getting along, but you were worried he’d not want to be with you when he saw the struggles she faced on a daily basis. But, it was clear you’d had absolutely nothing to worry about. 

He’d seen that little girl and decided she was his without a doubt, and never treated her as anything less than his daughter. 

He knew what it meant to be a father, and played his part to perfection. He was the father she had needed and wanted and had stepped up not because he had to, but because he wanted to. Because he loved her, and he loved you. And how lucky were you to be his. 

You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own

You can let it go

You can throw a party full of everyone you know

“Hey, Tilly,” Harry called up the stairs. He’d put the finishing touches on the song, and was anxious for Matilda to hear it. 

“Yeah?” she responded, coming to a stop at the top of the stairs. 

“I just finished my new song, wanna hear it?” 

Her face lit up, and she nodded and all but ran down the stairs. Harry chuckled, nerves on edge. “Okay, come on.” 

The pair sat on the couch, Matilda waiting patiently as Harry set up the camera to record her reaction. Once he was ready, he hit record and began to play the first notes of the song. 

"You were riding your bike to the sound of It's No Big Deal

And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels

Nothing 'bout the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming till now

So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal…” 

Matilda smiled, rocking back and forth slightly to the rhythm of the song. It was nice. It was slow, but not too slow. 

“You can let it go

You can throw a party full of everyone you know

And not invite your family

'Cause they never showed you love

You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up…”

She rested her head in her palm and stared at Harry as he continued to play the guitar and sing. 

“Matilda, you talk of the pain like it's all alright

But I know that you feel like a piece of you's dead inside

You showed me a power that is strong enough to bring sun to the darkest days

It's none of my business but it's just been on my mind…”

Her head shot up as soon as she processed the fact that her name was in the song. Harry’s eyes were locked on hers as he sang, and tears slowly filled her eyes. 

She couldn’t believe it.

“You can let it go

You can throw a party full of everyone you know

And not invite your family

'Cause they never showed you love

You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up

You can see the world

Following the seasons

Anywhere you go

You don't need a reason

'Cause they never showed you love

You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own…”

The song was about her.

“You're just in time, make your tea and your toast

You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes

You don't have to go

You don't have to go home

Oh, there's a long way to go

I don't believe that time will change your mind

In other words

I know they won't hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go…”

Tears streamed down her face freely as she listened. She made no effort to wipe them away. She didn’t want to. ‘It’s okay to have and express your emotions,’ she reminded herself. 

“You can let it go

You can throw a party full of everyone you know

You can start a family who will always show you love

You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own

You can let it go

You can throw a party full of everyone you know

You can start a family who will always show you love

You don't have to be sorry, no…” 

As soon as the last note was played, she broke down into vocal sobs. She had sobbed before, but they’d always been quiet. 

She didn’t have to hide anymore. Before Miss Honey, she had never met anyone who cared so much about her that they were willing to help. Ever since her first day at that school, her life had changed for the better. 

She used to have parents who didn’t care. Who didn’t want her or love her. Now, she had all of that. You had shown her nothing but kindness, love and respect since the moment she’d walked through your door. Harry, well, he had brought even more kindness, love and respect with him. 

And now he’d written a song about her. A song that shows his love for her and what she’d been through. 

You two loved her despite her differences. She wasn’t like the other kids, but that didn’t matter to you and Harry. You loved her the way she was, something Matilda had never experienced before. 

She finally had parents that cared and loved her, and she couldn’t be happier. She launched herself into Harry’s arms and managed to get an ‘I love you, Dad’ out through her sobs. 

You can start a family who will always show you love

You smiled, seeing your girl run towards you, Lavender, Amanda and Bruce following close behind her. She paused briefly, to say goodbye to her friends. She continued on her journey towards you, jumping into your arms when she reached you. 

“Look what we made today!” She said when you’d given her a big hug and set her back on the ground. She thrust a page into your hand, and tears welled up in you looked at what she’d made. 

It was a sheet that said “All About My Mom!”. On the sheet, she’d written your name, age, job, favourite food, and her favourite thing about you. She got all of the facts right, of course. But, under her favourite thing about you, she had written, in her neat and tidy penmanship, that her favourite thing about you was that you had shown her what it was truly like to have a mother. 

“Oh, Tilds,” you whispered, and wrapped her up in your arms. 

“D-do you like it?” she asked shakily, and you nodded. You pulled back and cupped her face in your hands. “Matilda, I love it. I thank god every day that I was chosen to be your mother.” You said. You pressed a kiss to her forehead before continuing. “You, Matilda, are the best thing to ever happen to me. If you want me to be your mom, I will gladly be that for you.” 

You watched as tears welled up in your girl's eyes before she jumped into your arms again. “I love you, Mama.” She whispered, and just like that, you were complete. 

As you two strolled home that night, your hand tightly holding hers. “Do you think Dad will be happy that I’ll be sticking around?” she asked, slight anxiety shaking her voice. You laughed. 

“He’ll be overjoyed. You’ve been his little girl since the moment you met him.” 

You don't have to be sorry, no

[falcqns]

you'll be alright (no one can hurt you now) chapter four

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tamara Colins, Tim Bradford & Lucy Chen, background Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Lucy goes on her first date since taking in Tamara. Tim nearly loses his mind when she doesn’t show up for her first scheduled shift back on time.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, (eventually) autistic!Tamara, Tim Bradford would do anything for Lucy Chen, Lucy is a hardcore swiftie, Day Of Death (im so sorry) near death experience, kidnapping, hospitals, being buried alive, Caleb Wright, mentions of Rosalind Dyer, yknow the usual DOD warnings, 

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

A/n: im so sorry for this I hate this episode so much, but it is important to Lucy’s character development and who she is as a person and a cop and I don’t want to change that so we’re going to have to suffer through DOD together. I won’t be going into detail about Lucy’s POV, so I will be doing the majority of this chapter from Tim’s perspective. There’s a bit of a time jump (4 weeks) but not much has changed in Lucy and Tamara’s world. 

Tim yawned as he adjusted his badge as he walked out of the locker room. He glanced at Nolan and West standing by the door to Grey’s office, talking to him with concerned looks on their faces. Tim thought it was weird, but then he remembered that Lucy was coming back to work today, and he promptly forgot. He made his way to the break room and poured himself a black coffee into his travel mug, before leaving and heading into the break room. 

As he made his way down, he thought about Lucy and how excited he was for her to be back. The last5 4 weeks without her had been filled with nothing but silence and boredom. While Tim would never verbally admit it, he had missed Lucy. He missed her voice, how she ranted about things happening in her personal life, or about drama (or ‘tea’ as she called it) that was happening around the station. He missed the scent of her chai tea latte filling up the shop, he missed paying for that extra meal on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, his days to pay. He missed her immensely, more than he thought he would, and he was very glad that she was back. 

Before he could open the door and wait for her, however, he was summoned into Grey’s office. He wrinkled his eyebrows and followed Grey into his office. He grew even more confused when he walked in, and saw Nolan and West sitting there, both looking uneasy and scared. 

“Whats going on, sir?” Tim asked. 

Grey looked at Nolan, who swallowed, and then spoke. “Lucy did not come home last night. She is not responding to texts or calls.”

“Where did she go?” Tim asked, and Jackson spoke up next. 

“She went on a date. She was supposed to come to my apartment,” Jackson said, before side glancing at both Grey and Nolan. “She was going to spend the night with me and then we were going to come to work together, as I live closer. But when I woke up, she wasn’t there. Neither was her car, and I have been trying since 7:30 am to get a hold of her.”

Fear swirled in the bottom of Tim’s stomach. “Who did she go on a date with?” 

“C-Caleb Wright.” Nolan said. “With a ‘W’.” 

Tim nodded. “Okay.” He said, pondering possibilities in his head briefly. “Is it possible that she’s just running behind and her phone is dead?” 

“Well, we thought of that but-“ Jackson said, but John cut him off.

“If she’s just running late and we ring the fire alarm, she’ll get dinged, but-“ 

“If we don’t, and something terrible happens…” Tim interjected, thoughts trailing off. He shook his head to clear his thoughts, his attention turning to Grey.  “What do we do?”

“Well, what do we know about this Caleb guy?” 

“Nothing.” Jackson said, shaking his head. “No, he uh-, he said that he worked for a medical supply company. Lucy showed me a video of him playing with a puppy.” 

Grey nodded. “Okay. Bradford, take West and run a background check. I want to know everything you can find on Caleb before we knock on his door.” He said. “And find Armstrong.” 

Tim nodded. “Right. Come on,” He said, motioning for West to follow him.

He heard Grey talking to Nolan about having him and Nyla run a trace on Lucy’s phone, in order to get her into the MUPS and NaMos systems that the LAPD used. 

As Tim and Jackson made it to Armstrongs office, where the detective was just settling in for the day, Grey walked out of his office, and called for everyones attention. 

“Everyone listen up,” He said, and the room fell silent. “Officer Lucy Chen has not been seen for approximately 13 hours. Given the circumstance, we cannot rule out abduction,” He said, and Tim breathed deeply, trying to control the nausea that he was feeling. 

His rookie was potentially missing. The person he was responsible for training, and for keeping safe while out on the streets. The person that was, even now, the best rookie he had ever trained, and ever will train. His Lucy could be missing, and he didn’t know what to do other than to focus, and do whatever Grey told him to do in order to find her. 

“So stop whatever you’re doing.” Grey continued. “I want everyone on this until she’s located.” He said, before turning to an officer. “Notify S.O., see if they can shag calls for service. 

Tim turned his focus to the computer that Armstrong was using as Nyla walked up to Grey. He overheard her say that the GPS on her phone was disabled, and he began to hyper focus on the words on the screen. He was no help to anyone, much less Lucy, if he was panicking. He had to remain calm, and get the background check like Grey had ordered him to. 

“Caleb Wright doesn’t seem to exist.” Armstrong said, concern evident on his face. 

Tim’s anxiety grew. What was going on? Tim shook his head and walked around the desk to look at the computer screen. 

“That’s impossible,” He said. “I saw his social media page.”

“Well, it’s gone now, so he must have erased it.” Armstrong said. “But if he is our guy, then he’s already faked one identity.”

“Bryan Coleman,” West chimed in. 

Armstrong nodded. “Exactly.” He agreed, pointing at Jackson. “He stole his life to gain access to the old zoo. Used it’s isolation to kill his victims,”

Tim nodded, understanding where Armstrong was leading. “But with that place burned, he’s gonna need new killing ground.” The though of Lucy being his next victim made his stomach churn, and his heart thud painfully in his chest. He couldn’t lose her. She had changed him so much already in their short time together, and he wasn’t ready for her 13 months with him to be up, much less to never see her again because she was murdered. He had to save her, but it angered him that he didn’t know how. He didn’t know the true identity of who took her, where she is, the state that she’s in, or if she’s even still alive. And that thought killed him. 

Armstrong nodded at Tim. “My guess is that he already has one, and thats where Lucy is right now.” Armstrong picked up the phone, and Tim nodded at West, motioning to the door. 

“Lets go.” He said, and Jackson lead them out of his office and towards the stairs. 

“If we don’t find her-“ Jackson started, but Tim stopped, and turned to look at him. 

“Don’t.” He said, cutting him off. “Don’t go there. If she was taken by him, the only way that you are good to her is if you are focused solely on saving her, not playing worst-case scenarios.” 

Jackson nodded, gulping. “Right.” He said. “Sorry. I’m just worried.” Tim nodded. 

“I know. I am too.” He admitted, and almost laughed at the shock evident on the rookie’s face. “But, we need to focus on her. This is not about us and how we’re feeling. This is about finding her, and saving her before it’s too late.” 

Jackson nodded. “Okay. You’re right. What do we do now?” He asked, and they continued their journey down to the main floor. 

“We go and tell Grey what we know, and wait for further instructions.” 

“Okay. Is it okay if I just run to the bathroom quick?” Jackson asked, and Tim nodded. He could tell that Jackson was starting to panic, and needed a moment alone to collect himself. 

“‘Course.” He said. “Meet me in his office when you’re done.” Jackson nodded, and Tim watched him walk towards the bathroom. Tim was about to turn to walk to Grey’s office, when he saw Jackson pull his phone out and make a call. He stopped, watched him for a moment, but decided not to eavesdrop on his call. If it was important to finding Lucy, he knew West would fill him in. If it wasn’t, it was personal, and Tim could honestly care less. 

He walked into Greys office, and Grey immediately stopped what he was doing to look up at him. “What did you find out about Caleb?” 

Tim shook his head, his hands on his hips. “He doesn’t exist. It seems to be an alias. And we figure that if he’s already faked one identity,” He said, and paused when the door opened. Jackson walked in and Tim looked at him, silently asking if he was good. Jackson nodded, and Tim continued speaking. “If he’s faked one identity already, then it has to be Bryan Coleman.” 

Jackson picked up where Tim left off. “We speculate that he used his identity to gain access to the old zoo, and used to the isolation to his benefit to kill his victims, but since we’ve found that spot already, he has to find somewhere new.”

“And that’s where Lucy is.” Grey finished, his head nodded. “Alright. Nolan and Harper are on their way back to the hospital after talking to the victim we saved yesterday. Go take 5, and we’ll reconvene in the briefing room when they’re back.” 

“Yes, sir.” Tim and Jackson said at the same time. They left the office, and Jackson headed left, towards the front door, presumably to wait for Nolan. Tim however, went and sat in the briefing room. 

He didn’t want to take 5. He wanted to be on the streets, knocking on doors, finding out where Lucy was. He wanted to find her and bring her home. He wanted to find her, and make sure that she knew that no matter how tough he was with her; no matter how many Tim Tests he puts her through, he cared about her, and he wanted nothing more than for her to be safe. She needed to be home. She needed to be at the station with him, not being held somewhere unknown by a serial killer’s protege. 

He blinked back tears in surprise as his foot tapped against the floor, watching the minutes slowly tick down. Why was he crying? Tim Bradford rarely cried, not because he didn’t find things sad, but because he didn’t allow himself to.  The last time he fully allowed himself to break down in tears was the drive home from serving Isabel with divorce papers. He couldn’t let himself cry over Lucy, especially now. If he did, it would mean revealing his weakness, and he wasn’t ready for that yet. He wasnt ready for the looks, the whispers, the questions. The higher ups asking his nature of his relationship with Lucy. He couldn’t do that. Not to himself, and especially not to Lucy, who wasn’t even a P2 yet. So, he swallowed the lump in his throat, and sniffed, blinking away the tears.

He had barely blinked away the last tear when Armstrong came into the room, and walked up to the whiteboard that had all of the important facts about Lucy and her disappearance. 

“The bartender at Las Torres recognized Lucy and Caleb.” He said, and Tim sat up straighter, hope beginning to build in his chest. “The good news-“ he continued. “Theres a security camera in the parking lot, so we know that they left at 9:05. The bad news?” Armstrong clicked on the monitor in the room to reveal the footage of Caleb leading Lucy out of the bar by her upper arm. “The camera angles too steep to recognize faces.”

Tim sighed, shaking his head. All he wanted, all anyone in this room wanted was to find Lucy, but it seemed that at every turn so far, the universe was working against them. And Tim hated it with a passion. Tim let a breath out from his nose, attempting to calm the burning fury in his body. There wasn’t a lot that made Tim angry enough to feel the need to fight God, but someone he lo- no, cared about, being in any sort of pain was certainly enough. 

“Two minutes later,” Armstrong resumed speaking. “This car drove by.” Tim watched as a grey car drove through the frame, and Tim sighed, knowing that Lucy was most likely inside of it. 

“The licence plate on Caleb’s car was reported stolen earlier that day,” Grey said, looking between the room and the images on the monitor. “Officer Chen’s care was found in the alley where she left it last night. Which means, we believe that Caleb is Rosalind’s protege, and he took Officer Chen.” 

Tim sighed in disappointment. He knew that what they were saying was the truth, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Tim picked up the rapid breathing of his heart, and the anxiety fluttering in his stomach, a silent threat of the possible reappearance of his breakfast. But, before he could spiral fully, Grey caught his attention again. 

“I know how upsetting this is, but we have to remain focused. She’s counting on us.” Tim heard Grey ask if there were any questions, but Tim didn’t stick around to find out. He walked out of the room, pulling his phone out as he walked. 

He dialled Angela’s number, and breathed, knowing his best friend would be able to sense the shakiness of his voice no matter how hard he tried to hide it. 

“What’s up?” She answered casually. 

“Hey. Lucy’s been taken. I need you.” He said simply, and waited for her response. The line was silent for a moment before Angela spoke again. 

“On my way.” Tim hung up the phone and stuffed it back into his pocket, walking back into the briefing room. 

When he re-entered, Nolan was up at the front, relaying the information that he and Harper had gotten from the other victim at the hospital. 

“Nora was abducted two nights ago.” He said. “We found her 18 hours later, already tattooed, and about to be put in a barrel to be suffocated. This makes Caleb’s timeline from abduction to death approximately 24 hours.” Tim’s hands shook listened.

“Which means we have less than 10 hours to find Lucy.” Jackson said, his face portraying everything Tim was feeling. 

“Unless we’re wrong, and she’s dead already.” Armstrong stated casually, and Tim dug his nails into the palm of his hands to prevent himself from punching Armstrong for even thinking to suggest such a stupid idea. No, she was alive, but they needed to find her before she wasn’t anymore. 

“No,” Harper interjected. “Look, I know I haven’t known Lucy as long as the rest of you, but I do know she is a fighter.” She said, glancing back at Tim briefly. “She’s gonna do everything she can to stay alive until we save her.” Tim nodded in agreement, watching as people filed out of the room, but Tim remained rooted to his spot, staring at her picture on the whiteboard. 

He needed her safe. He needed her by his side, where he knew she was alive, and okay. He didn’t know how he was going to get through these next few hours, but he knew that he had to do it so that his rookie, his Lucy, would be safe. 

He suddenly found himself sitting down next to Jackson, answering calls, when Angela walked into the station, Wesley trailing behind her. 

“Hey,” he said, standing up to greet her. “Thanks for coming in.” 

“Of course,” She said, looking to the side of her, and seeing the phones that him and Jackson, and two other officers were manning. “Grey’s got you on tip lines?” 

Tim nodded. “Nothing says we got squat like listening to the public.” He looked up at Wesley. “Day off?”

Wesley nodded, not making eye contact with Tim. “Yeah, something like that.” Tim looked at him suspiciously, but let it go. “Can I help?” 

Tim crossed his arms. “Whats your tolerance for cranks and asshats wasting your time?” 

Wesley shrugged. “I’m a public defender.”

Tim nodded his head to the phones. “Have at it.” 

“This is useless,” Tim said, turning to Angela as Jackson spoke to Wesley. “We should be on the streets kicking down doors.”

“Who’s doors?” Angela asked, a concerned look on her face. 

“I don’t know,” He answered honestly. “But I-I can’t just sit here.” He stormed away, desperate to do something, anything, to bring Lucy home. 

Of course, Angela being Angela, followed after him. “Wait up!” 

Tim rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, just blowing off steam.”

“I get it,” Angela said, following after him. “But you got to get your head in the game.”

Frustrated, Tim turned around to face her. “I don’t need a pep talk.” 

“Then why’d you call me?” She demanded. “Clearly, you need to get something off of your chest.”

Tim sighed. “This is my fault.” He answered, looking down at his shoes. 

“What?” Angela asked. “How?” 

“The day I came back from my leave, I went to her apartment after shift. No one would tell me anything about why she was off. I questioned her, but she wouldn’t tell me. Something was going on, and I should have pressed her more. I should have been there for her, I’m her training officer for gods sake. I should have known something was wrong.”

Angela took a step closer. “Tim, she didn’t tell anyone. All we know about her leave is what Jackson and John have been permitted to tell us. Something happened, and she needed time off to deal with it. That doesn’t make you a bad training officer. You did all you could.” She explained. 

“I could have done more.” Tim stated, before turning to walk away. 

“What is it about her?” Angela asked, making Tim stop in his tracks. 

“What?” He asked, turning around, confusion all over his face. 

“Look, I’ve known you since before you became a TO. You’re hard on your rookies, but you’re also fiercely protective over them. But with Lucy, you are more over protective than you have with any other rookie. You’ve honestly been quite lenient on her so far. So, what is it about Lucy that makes you feel like you should have prevented this? That you should have protected her better, or been there for her more? You’ve always said that you’re their training officer, not their friend. What is it about Lucy that changed that for you?”

Tim shook his head, before looking up at Angela. She’d been his best friend for years. He could never hide anything from her, even if he wanted to. He knew that she would instantly see through whatever bullshit answer he would give her, so he decided to be truthful. As much as he could be with himself, anyways. 

“She turned around and smiled at me.” He said, his voice quiet and shaky. A crease formed on Angela’s forehead, showing her confusion. “Her first day, when Grey said she was paired with me, she turned around, and smiled at me. I don’t know what it was, but she’s got this grip on me, and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to not care about her this much.” He said, a stray tear, falling from his eye as he spoke. 

“Tim…” Angela said quietly. “Tim, I think you know why.” Tim shook his head immediately, knowing what she was getting at. 

“No,” he responded. “Thats not it. She’s my rookie, I would never cross that line.” 

Angela smiled sadly. “I know you wouldn’t. That doesn’t mean your heart doesn’t still want her.”

Tim shook his head, trying to protest, but his face betrayed him, crumpling as he fought to stop the sob clawing its way out of his throat. Angela didn’t say anything, just pulled him into her arms, and held him as he cried. 

“We’re going to find her,” She said eventually. “Whatever it takes.”

—- 

An hour later, and Tim had calmed down. His sadness and anxiety was now replaced by anger. Anger that was stronger than before, and made him want to burn the world to ashes just to find her. And that’s exactly what he was going to do. 

“Problem officer?” 

Tim wasted no time in reaching through the open window, grabbing a fistful of the Benjamins hair, and slamming his face onto the steering wheel. 

“You listen to me very carefully,” He spat. “Your name is Benjamin Lassie. You’re a mid level idiot who controls every illicit item that enters the Central California Women’s Facility. And today is your day of reckoning.” He squeezed tighter. “Now, I am responsible for a life that is in jeopardy, and I will do whatever I have to to save her. Do you understand?” He demanded. 

“Theres a man who gives you items to smuggle onto death row for Rosalind Dyer. You are gonna give me that man.” He continued. 

“Why would I do that?” Benjamin demanded. 

Tim squeezed even tighter. “Because if you don’t, I will pull you inside out.” He threatened, and he then watched with a sickening satisfaction as Benjamin saw his life flash before his eyes, and spit out the name; Jerry Havel.

Tim smiled, released Benjamin, and sent him off with a threatening look that told him Tim would follow through with his threats if he said a word about what just happened to anyone. 

Jackson then shakily followed him back to the shop, and as soon as he shut the door, Tim was speeding back to the station while Jackson typed his name into the computer to do a background check. 

“Any information you get, you text it immediately to Lopez.” Tim said in a calm tone, feeling bad for scaring him.

“Yes, sir.”

—-

30 minutes later, Tim had managed to get a S.W.A.T. team and a no knock warrant together, ready to raid Jerry Havel’s place. Tim followed behind S.W.A.T. as they moved in on Havel’s place. 

They paused briefly at the door, before busting it open, and running inside. “Go, go, go!” One of the S.W.A.T. member said as Jerry began to run. Another officer shot him in the right shoulder, and he fell to the ground on his face. 

Tim ran up to him, Jackson following behind. He grabbed him, and turned him over. “Where’s Lucy?” His heart dropped into his stomach when he realized that the man he was faced with was not Caleb. “That’s not - that’s not Caleb.” He said, moving away from the man in front of him. “Damn it!” he yelled in frustration. 

He tried to control his breathing as Jackson took over, yelling at the man about his name, and where he worked. Tim looked back at Jerry, who told them through stuttering that his name was in face Jerry Havel, but he had never worked at that prison, and had been on disability for the last five years after an inmate shivved him during a riot. 

“Look, DOC clearly states that you work at that prison.” Jackson said. 

Jerry sighed and looked down. “My identity was stolen.” He said. “Right around 3 years ago. Really screwed up my credit.” 

Tim nodded, making the connections in his head. “Caleb used Jerry’s identity to get into prison, get close to Rosalind.”

“Just like he stole Bryan Coleman’s identity.” Jackson finished as he holstered his gun. 

“Is this connected to the officer that was abducted?” Jerry asked. 

Tim nodded. “Yeah.” He said, tears welling up in his eyes as he spoke. “And you were our last shot at saving her.” 

Tim moved on auto pilot for the next hour. So much so, that he didn’t remember anything between leaving Jerry’s house, and arriving back at the station.  Once he arrived there, he was handing over a file that had a record of the credit card charges on the card that Caleb had used under Jerry’s name that Jackson had found. 

“Hey, hey,” He said, getting Angela’s. Grey’s, and Wesleys attention. “We got something.” He said, dropping the file on the table. “Caleb used Jerry’s identity to rent a post office box in Kern County, near the prison. But, he kept it up after he quit.” He explained, as Angela opened the file, and began pouring through the contents. “Still pays for it. He must have a place close by.” 

Angela grabbed a piece of paper, and read from it, comparing what was in the file with her own notes. “Rosalind’s family - her trust owns a farm in Kern County.” She handed him the paper that showed evidence of the farm. 

Before he knew it, he was in the stations helicopter, racing to Kern county with Angela, Grey, Jackson, with Nyla and John on the ground in a shop. 

When they landed on the farm in Kern County, Nolan told them that Caleb was dead, and that Lucy was buried somewhere on the property. Tim felt a sick sense of happiness knowing that Caleb was dead. He was gone, and now he could never touch a single hair on her head again. She was one step closer to being safe, and now all they had to do was dig her up before it was too late.

Nolan thrust a phone into Angela’s hands. Angela looked down, watching the video of Lucy inside the barrel. “I can’t even tell if she’s still breathing,” She said anxiously, looking up at Grey. 

“Spread out.” Grey commanded. Tim looked around, trying to find a good place to start looking. “Airship, we have an officer buried alive.” The panic that Tim had been desperately trying to keep at bay came bubbling to the surface, and his chest started to constrict as he looked at the open fields. He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to keep the tears at bay, but knowing at some point in the next few minutes, he would be crying. Either from relief, or grief. 

He took a moment to calm himself, repeating the words he had said to Jackson earlier in the day to himself in his head. “The only way that you are good to her is if you are focused solely on saving her, not playing worst-case scenarios.” 

He turned to look at the house briefly, before realizing that there was no way Caleb would have buried her close to the house. He turned to Jackson and explained, before summoning Jackson to follow him. He took off running as far as he could as fast as he could. 

A few minutes later, they came to the top of a hill. “Lets split up,” He suggested to Jackson. “You go left, alright?” Jackson nodded, and took off to the left. Tim continued forward, looking around for any possible sight that Caleb could have buried her. 

Then, as he was coming down the slope of another hill, something caught his eye. A sparkle, so bright it nearly blinded him briefly. He didn’t think anything of it at first, but then realized that there wasn’t much around there that could produce a sparkle like that. He took a step closer and looked again, finding the sparkle once more. He ran up to the spot the sparkle originated from, and fell to his knees in front of it. 

He scooped up the source of the sparkle, and could have cried right then and there when he realized what it was. 

Her ring. Her moonstone ring. 

He stood up, and began looking around in the dirt for any indication that she could be close. He began kicking dirt around, and stomping, hoping to God that she had dropped it on purpose, and it wasn’t another one of Caleb’s tricks.

But, when he stomped again, and heard the unmistakable sound of rubber on metal, he knew it wasn’t a trick. Lucy had left him a clue, and she was right there.

He stomped two more times just to be sure, but once he heard the clanging two more times, he turned around and shouted. “I’VE GOT HER!” He then pocketed the ring, dropped to his knees, and began digging with his bare hands. 

His hands ached after a few seconds, the sharp rocks in the sand cutting and digging into his skin, but his need to save Lucy, get her out of that barrel outweighed all of that. He was so close to her, he just needed to keep going. 

A few moments later, Nyla, Jackson, and Angela joined him in the digging, with the rest of the officers headed their way. The local PD joined in moments later, bringing shovels, making the process move quicker. The metal of the shovels hit the metal of the barrel, and Tim choked out a sob. 

“Guys,” He managed to say. “Right here.” He said as he reached forward for the latch on the barrel, pulling it towards him. It took two pulls, but on the second one the latch snapped, and the lid came off. 

He threw it behind him, and looked into the barrel.

There she was, hunched over, her curled hair laying over her back, tangled with dirt and blood. 

“Come on!” Tim yelled, and began pulling Lucy out of the barrel. Everyone joined in and helped him get her out and onto the ground. 

He touched her head softly once she was laid on the ground, and leaned in, listening for breathing. He heard Grey ask if she was breathing, but didn’t answer. When he heard no breathing, he cupped her chin and her forehead, breathing two rescue breaths into her mouth to help her lungs inflate. He then moved his hands to her chest and started compressions, watching her face for any sign of life.

As he did the compressions, all he could focus on was her. He got to her, now all he could do was hope he could restart her heart in time. The more compressions he did, the more desperate he became. Why wasn’t her heart starting to beat? Why wasn’t she moving, breathing, crying? Was she-

Lucy gasped in a deep breath, her body starting to shake. Tim cried out in happiness as her eyes fluttered open. He reached behind her and helped sit her up, cradling her to his chest when she burst into tears, curling towards his chest. 

“You’re okay,” He whispered to her, as he pulled her closer. As he held her, he noticed that all of the anger, pain, anxiety, and fear had disappeared. As soon as she took that gulping breath in, his body knew she was safe, that she was alive. 

“You’re okay,” He whispered into her hair. Even after all that she went through, she still smelled like herself, and it calmed Tim down even further. “You’re safe. I’ve got you. He can’t hurt you anymore.” He whispered as he cradled her head to his chest. 

He breathed deeply, letting the tears fall from his eyes. They got to her in time, and she was going to be okay. She was back in his arms, she was breathing, and was crying. All signs she was a survivor. 

——

Tim rode with her in the ambulance. When the paramedics had arrived on scene, she refused to let go of Tim, starting to go into a panic attack whenever someone tried to separate her from him. Once they had gotten her into the ambulance, and had taken her vitals, they gave her a sedative, and she fell asleep within a minute, still holding tightly to Tim’s hand. 

Tim held onto her hand the entire ambulance ride, and then helicopter ride back to St Stephens, his eyes locked onto the bleeding marks from where she had been bound at the wrists. He didn’t let go until they landed at St Stephens, and she was rushed into the back to be examined. 

He was shown into a waiting room, where he was told that Dr Sawyer would come and get him when he could see her. He was about to sit down, when his phone began to ring. He fished it out of his pocket, and answered it, briefly seeing Nolan’s name flash across the screen. 

“Tim,” John said as soon as he picked up. “Listen, I don’t want you to question what I’m about to ask you, I just need you to do it.” He said, and Tim, who was still in shock from everything, just agreed, and listened to what John had to say. “I need you to go to Mid Wilshire Childcare Centre. You need to go to the baby room and pick up Tamara Chen, and bring her to the hospital. Don’t forget your ID. You’re on the approved pick up list and I’ve called ahead, so don’t worry about any questions. There will be someone waiting for you at the front door to show you where to go, alright?” He said, and Tim, who was utterly confused now, nodded. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, okay.” He said goodbye to John, and left the hospital immediately after informing the nurses that he would be back. He hopped in the shop, stopped by the station briefly to grab a carseat, and then hopped back in the shop. 

He pulled into Mid Wilshire Childcare Centre, and grabbed his drivers licence out of his wallet, before making his way to the front door. There was a middle aged woman waiting for him, a smile on her face. 

“Tim Bradford, I’m assuming?” She said, and Tim nodded. 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

The lady nodded. “I’m Martha, the chef here. If you follow me, I can show you to the baby room. I know you’re in a hurry.” She said. She turned, put a code into a key pad, and entered the building, Tim following behind her. As soon as they walked in, Martha turned right, and led him to the end of the hallway. They entered a small classroom with two educators, and 4 babies. 2 of the babies were playing in a water table, the other one was sitting at the table, eating banana, and a third one, who didn’t look older than a few weeks old,  being held in a rocking chair by another educator. 

“Tim, this is Ella, and Cara. Ella is Tamara’s primary educator.” Martha said, and Tim nodded to her. 

“Nice to meet you, Ella.”

Ella smiled. “You too, sir.” She said. “Tamara has had a really good day today. She slept well, drank both bottles, and enjoyed our walk we took them on.” She said, as she went over to the other educator, Cara, and took the small infant from her. 

She carried her over, and Tim blinked quickly, realizing that the small infant must be Tamara. “Okay, thank you.” Tim said. 

Ella smiled. “No problem. We will need some more wipes for her, probably in the next day or so.” Tim nodded. 

“Okay perfect. Is there anything else?” 

“Oh, yes.” Ella said, grabbing the binder off of the counter. “Could I just see your ID?” 

Tim nodded and handed it over. Ella compared the names before smiling and handing it back. 

“Thank you.” She said, putting the binder down. “If you follow me, I’ll show you Tamara’s things.” 

Tim followed Ella as she showed him her cubby, and handed him her backpack.

“Okay, you’re all set, we’ll see you later.” Ella said and Tim thanked her again before following Martha out of the building. 

“Have a good night,” Martha said, holding the door open for him. 

“Thank you, you too,” He responded, looking down at the small infant in his arms that apparently belonged to Lucy. 

“Okay, little one,” he said quietly, opening up the door to the shop, and buckling her in her carseat. “Let’s go see Mama, I guess.”

—-

When Tim walked back into the waiting room, he was greeted with Grey and Luna sitting together. They both turned to look at him when he walked in with the baby carrier, and Grey smiled. 

“Oh good,” Grey said. “You didn’t have any issues picking up?” He asked, and Tim shook his head no.

“No, sir. I guess Nolan called ahead because she was ready to go when I got there.” He said.

Grey chuckled. “You look confused, son.” 

Tim laughed quietly, sitting down, and placing the car seat at his feet. “I am very confused. When did Lucy have a baby?” He asked, as he bent down and got Tamara out. Tamara gazed up at him as he lifted her up, holding her head in one hand and bum in the other. 

“She didn’t,” Grey said. Tim looked at him, confused. Grey sighed. “Look, I’m going to tell you this simply because you need to know why you’re holding a baby that shares a name with your rookie.” He said, and Tim nodded. “When you were on leave for your GSW, Lucy was on patrol with Wrigley. She found a mother OD’d, just hours after having given birth to her.” He said, pointing to Tamara. Tim’s eyes locked onto the tiny infant while Grey spoke. 

“Lucy came with her to the hospital, and when DCFS showed up, Lucy asked to take her in, as she is an emergency foster parent. DCFS agreed, and that’s why Lucy went on leave.” He said, and Tim looked at him in shock. 

“Oh,” He said, stunned. 

Grey nodded. “Yep. Then, 4 weeks ago, she got a call from DCFS stating that they were unable to locate any of her family, and Lucy was given the option to adopt her.”

Tim smiled. “Which she took.” He said, running his thumb over her cheek.

Grey nodded, as Luna sat on the other side of Tim.

“Yes,” Luna said. “And she’s doing a terrific job as a single mother.” 

Tim smiled again, moving Tamara closer to his chest. “I have no doubt about that.” He said. “Gosh, she’s so beautiful.” He commented, as Tamara’s eyes fluttered shut. 

“That she is,” Grey said. “Look, please don’t be mad with Lucy over hiding this from you. She was just trying to protect Tamara.” 

Tim nodded. “I know, and I’m not. But I am going to tell her that I am going to help her, in anyway she needs. I’m her training officer, but also her friend, and I’m going to help her through this.”

[falcqns]

you'll be alright (no one can hurt you now) chapter three

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tamara Colins, Tim Bradford & Lucy Chen, background Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Lucy spends her first week of maternity leave ignoring everyone but Jackson and Nolan. Tim comes back to work and questions where his rookie is, but no one will tell him anything, even Lucy. Lucy finds out some news about Tamara, and has to make a decision.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, autistic!Tamara, Tim Bradford would do anything for Lucy Chen, Lucy is a hardcore swiftie, adoption, finally Tim makes an appearance, low-key basing Tamara off of my one month old bc im obsessed w everything she does as I didn’t get this experience w my first, 

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

Lucy laid Tamara down in her bassinet, one hand on her back, and one hand on her belly. She removes her hand from underneath her, and rubs her belly, watching as the 2 week old infant stretches, yawns, and closes her eyes, falling into a deep sleep. 

Lucy sighs, rubbing her hand across Tamara’s forehead, before leaning down and pressing a kiss to her nose. The past two weeks had been a lot, but Lucy wouldn’t trade it for anything. She was loving being Tamara’s guardian. 

Was she exhausted? Yes. Had she not had a shower in over a week? Also yes. But it didn’t matter. Knowing Tamara is taken care of, safe, and loved is more valuable to Lucy than all the good night sleeps and hot showers she’d ever taken are. 

Lucy turned on the sound machine and the baby monitor, taking the portable portion with her. She slowly shut the door, and then turned to look at the state of her apartment. 

It was a disaster. There were empty bottles, take out containers, coffee cups, and laundry everywhere. The dishes were piling up, and the garbage needed to be taken out. She sighed one more time, clipping the baby monitor to the pocket of her sweat pants, before she started picking up things, wanting to get the apartment in order for when Jackson and John came over after shift. 

Jackson had been her number one supporter the last two weeks. He came over on his lunch break and helped her bathe Tamara for the first time on her own, and had ran out to the store for formula and diapers and wipes more times than Lucy could count. John, on the other hand, had yet to meet Tamara. He knew of Tamara, and that Lucy took her in, but he had been so busy with adjusting to his busy schedule and maintaining his contact with his son that time for him to come over and cuddle a baby while Lucy ate something was limited.

Tonight, however, was a free night, and Lucy could tell John was excited. He had texted her in the morning, asking if they were still on for tonight and if she needed him to bring anything, followed up by a text gushing about how he couldn’t wait to meet her. It made Lucy happy, knowing that she had such a great support system already, even though it was small. She had yet to tell her parents, as she knew that they would call her irresponsible and foolish for doing this, but then again, what did they know about raising children properly? All they did when she showed any sort of emotion was stick her in a therapy session. 

So while her support system was small, it was strong, and was filled with people who would support her how she needed, not how they thought she needed it. 

She had just dragged Tamara’s baby bouncer that Jackson had brought her a few days ago into the bathroom when she heard Tamara start crying in her bedroom. Lucy smiled to herself, and made her way into the bedroom. She turned off the baby monitor and the sound machine before approaching the bassinet, where Tamara was moving her limbs around in her sleep sack, eyes searching the room for Lucy. 

“Hi baby girl.” Lucy said gently, not wanting to startle Tamara. She unzipped the sleep sack and cooed when she saw Tamara’s limbs scrunch up in a stretch. “Did you have a good sleep?” She asked as she lifted her up, making sure to support her head. 

Tamara instantly settled down when Lucy held her against her chest, and carried her over to the change table. She laid her down and unzipped her onesie, her heart hurting when Tamara let out a cry at the air of the room hitting her bare skin. 

“I know,” Lucy said gently, trying to be quick about the diaper change. “I know, Mama Lucy is trying to be quick.” 

Once she was changed and her onesie was done back up, Lucy cradled her against her chest once again, and carried her into the bathroom, strapping her into the baby bouncer. Tamara cried again briefly, but quickly settled when Lucy hit the on button and it slowly began rocking her back and forth. 

Lucy sighed, and stripped quickly, turning the shower on and hopped in. She kept the shower door open slightly, just so that she could peek out at Tamara every so often. She knew Tamara would be fine for a few minutes, but it made the anxiety in Lucy’s chest settle if she could just peek at her every once in a while. 

Lucy finished her quick shower, and dried off, dressing in record time. She had just pulled on her leggings and sweater when Tamara started crying again. Lucy checked her phone and deduced that she was most likely hungry, as it had been almost 3 hours since her last bottle.

She scooped Tamara up, and carried her into the kitchen, where she grabbed the bottle with 3 ounces of formula, and warmed it up before carrying it over to the couch. She was about to sit down and feed her when the doorbell rang. 

“It’s open!” She called to Jackson and John. Jackson opened the door and walked in, followed by John. 

“Hey,” She said, smiling at her friends. “How was work today?” 

John nodded with a smile, his eyes fixed on Tamara. 

“Do you want to feed her?” She asked, and John nodded. 

“If you don’t mind,” He said, looking at her for permission. 

“Be my guest,” she said, holding out the bottle in one hand, and Tamara with her other arm. John scooped both baby and bottle from Lucy and sat down on the couch. Lucy sat down next to them, with Jackson sitting across from the two of them, on the chair that he had claimed over a year ago. 

“How was work?” Lucy repeated, wanting to know what was going on while she is gone. 

“Oh you know,” Jackson said with a smile. “Its work.”

“Yup,” John agreed. “Absolutely insane.”

“Glad to hear nothings changed,” Lucy said with a smile. 

“Well, one thing has changed,” John said. “Tim came back to work finally.”

Lucy nodded. “I figured. He’s not mad that I’m off, is he?”

Jackson shook his head. “No, not mad. He’s definitely confused, but don’t worry, we haven’t told anyone the real reason you’re off.”

“Thank you,” Lucy said sincerely. “I really do appreciate that. It’s not that I’m ashamed of her or anything, but I don’t know how long she’ll be with me, so I don’t want everyone to get attached and then have to say goodbye.” She explained. 

Both boys nodded, and John went to open his mouth to answer, when Lucy’s phone went off. She looked down, and saw the name ‘Stacie - DCFS’ flash across her screen. 

“Hold on,” she said to the boys, grabbing her phone and walking into her bedroom.

“Hello?” She said, answering the phone. 

“Hi Lucy, its Stacie.” Stacie said in her cheery voice. 

“Hi Stacie, how can I help you?” Lucy responded, trying to control her breathing. She knew that this call would come sooner or later, and no matter how much she told herself that she had to do what was best for Tamara, she still dreaded hearing that they found her family. 

“Well, I’m just calling to inform you that the search for Tamara’s family has been unsuccessful. We were unable to locate any relatives who are able to take her in.” 

A smile spread on Lucy’s face, which then caused a pang of guilt inside her. She shouldn’t be rejoicing over this. Them being unsuccessful means that she does have family out there, but they aren’t able to take her in, meaning she once again, in her short 2 weeks of life, has no one. 

“Oh, okay.” She answered. “So what happens next?” She asked. 

“Well,” Stacie said, a smile evident on her face. “You have a choice to make. We can either search for a permanent placement for Tamara with another family, or you can start the process to adopt her.” 

Tears filled Lucy’s eyes. There was no question in her mind about what she was going to pick. 

“You can take a few days to think-“ Stacie began, but Lucy cut her off. 

“I want to adopt her.” She said. 

“I had a feeling you’d choose that option,” Stacie said warmly. Lucy could hear keys clicking in the background. “So, I will contact a family lawyer for you, and get the process expedited. If all goes well, which I know for a fact it will, she should officially be yours - at the very latest - by the end of next month.” 

“T-thank you,” Lucy said, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re so welcome, Lucy.” Stacie said. “Because of you, that baby is going to be raised in a wonderful environment, by the most wonderful mom. I’m so glad that you are the one who found her.” 

Lucy and Stacie traded thank you’s once more, before saying goodbye and hanging up. Lucy sat down on the bed, and sniffled, wiping her nose on her sleeve. She took a deep breath, before the door opened. 

“Everything okay, Lucy?” John asked, carrying Tamara. 

“Y-yeah, great actually.” She said, looking up at her baby girl in the arms of her friend. “That was her social worker.”

Jackson walked in to the room, and took a seat next to her. “And?” He asked. 

“They couldn’t find any family when are able to take her in, so we have started the process for me to adopt her.” She said with a smile, and laughed when both Jackson and John exclaimed in happiness, Jackson wrapping her in a hug. 

“That’s amazing!” John said, sitting down next to her. “You’re officially a mom.” He said, handing Tamara over to her. 

“Yeah, I am.” She whispered, looking down at the sleeping infant. She then wrinkled her nose, after getting a whiff of poop. 

“Oh yeah,” John said. “Yeah she definitely pooped, so she’s all yours, Mama.”

—-

Later that night, after Jackson and John had left, and Tamara had been laid down for the night, Lucy was laying in bed, facing Tamara. She was going to be hers, officially, and she couldn’t be happier. She had always wanted to be a mom, and now she was one, to a little girl who deserved a mother the most. 

Just as Lucy went to close her eyes, there was a knock at her door. Lucy sighed, and climbed out of bed, trudging to the door. She peeked through the peep hole, and her heart dropped seeing Tim. She gulped, and opened the door. 

“H-hi,” She said apprehensively. 

“Hey.” He said, looking concerned. “Why aren’t you at work? Grey said you’re on leave for a few months, and no one seems to know anything.” 

“What, are you worried?” She said jokingly, hoping that Tamara would stay asleep. 

Tim rolled his eyes. “No, Boot, I just wanted to know if you were dropping out of the program or not so I don’t waste my time waiting around.” 

Lucy rolled her eyes. “No, sir. I am not dropping out.”

“Then why are you on leave?” He demanded. 

“Look, Tim, theres been few…” Lucy began, unsure how to word her explanation without giving anything away. “Changes in my life recently. Changes that I don’t feel at liberty to share with people, especially not my training officer. Not at the moment at least.” She explained. 

“I just need a few months to adjust and find my footing, and then I’ll be back.” She said, and Tim nodded in agreement. 

“Good.” He said simply. “I’m going to hold you to that, Chen.”

Lucy smiled warmly. “I know, sir.”

[falcqns]

you'll be alright (no one can hurt you now) chapter two

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tamara Colins, Tim Bradford & Lucy Chen, background Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tamara is released from the hospital and into Lucy’s care. Lucy is given a few weeks off to adjust to being a parent, and Lucy tells Grey, Jackson not to say anything to anyone about her having Tamara. b

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, autistic!Tamara, Tim Bradford would do anything for Lucy Chen, Lucy is a hardcore swiftie. tagging @natashasera as always!

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

When Grey finally shows up to the hospital, Lucy had fallen asleep in the chair with the baby on her chest, still snoozing. Lucy is awoken by Grey gently poking her arm, and she lets out a groan at the stiffness of her neck as she opens her eyes. 

“I see you’ve got things under control here,” Grey says, a smile on his face. Lucy chuckled. 

“Yeah,” she said, sitting up slightly, being mindful of the sleeping infant on her chest. “Everything is going well.”

Grey nodded, looking at the baby. “Hows she doing?” 

Lucy glanced down at her before answering. “Surprisingly, she’s perfectly healthy. She had a very minuscule amount of meth in her system, and the nurse said it’ll leave her system in the next 8-24 hours. Other than that, she’s perfectly healthy, and was most likely full term. Passed her APGAR test with a perfect 10.” 

“That’s good,” Grey said, taking a seat in the chair across from Lucy. “Heard anything from DCFS?” 

Lucy shook her head. “No, apparently they’re backed up quite a bit.”

Grey huffed slightly. “What else is new.” He shook his head. “Are you planning on staying here with her until someone shows up?” 

Lucy nodded. “Yes, sir.” She took a deep breath, and then continued. “I’m also going to ask to take her in.” 

Grey looked at her, a wrinkle in his brows. “You know it’s not your obligation to, right Chen?”

“I know.” Lucy responded with a smile. “I just feel very attached to her, and the thought of her going into a very broken system breaks my heart. I’ve been an emergency foster parent since I was 20, and have the means to provide and the room for her. I just want to know she’s safe, and I feel that the only way I will know that for sure is for me to take her in myself.” She finished. “A-as long as they let me, of course.”

Grey smiled warmly at her. “They’d be stupid not to.” 

Lucy smiled, glancing down at the baby. “Thank you, sir.”

Grey nodded in response. “In that case, you will receive up to 12 weeks leave, 6 of which is paid. Now, you don’t have to take the whole thing, and you don’t have to take it all at once, that part is completely up to you. I know that you’re eager to finish your training.”

“I am eager to sir,” Lucy said. “But her being safe and cared for is more important. Will uh-“ she gulped. “Will Tim be okay with me taking that much time off though?” 

“He’ll have no choice but to be okay with it. Besides, he’ll probably adore this little one.”

Lucy’s head snapped up at that. She completely forgot she would actually have to tell Tim about the baby, something she didn’t want to do. She didn’t want him to yell at her for making what he saw as a ‘stupid decision’ or to judge her in anyway. 

“Actually, sir, I don’t want Tim to know.” She said. “I don’t want him to know why I’m taking some time off. I don’t want anyone other than you, Nolan, and Jackson to know. And the captain of course.” She explained. “Its not that I don’t want to show her off or anything, but I don’t want everyone getting attached in the event that DCFS finds next of kin or a permanent placement for her. And I’d rather my 6 weeks with her be calm, and as work free as possible.”

Grey raised a hand. “Completely understandable. I can just let everyone know that you are on extended leave, and will be back in a few months time. I legally cannot tell anyone why you’re off with out your consent.”

“Thank you sir.” Lucy said, just as the door opened, and a DCFS worker walked in. She came to a stop next to Grey, and smiled at Lucy. 

“Hello, officer Chen.” She said. “I am Stacie Warner, from DCFS. I understand that you are the one that found the infant?” 

Lucy nodded. “Yes ma’am, I am.” She answered. She watched as Stacie wrote something on her clipboard. 

“Okay, perfect. I just need you to sign this paper signifying that you were indeed the one to find her.” She said, and passed the clipboard and pen to Lucy. Lucy lifted a hand from under the blanket, and signed off. Stacie took the clipboard and glanced at it briefly. 

“Okay.” Stacie said, looking up at the infant and Lucy. “I spoke to the nurse, and she said that she will be discharged later tonight, so once that happens, I will take her with me to the office, and work on finding a placement for her.”

“About that,” Lucy said, sitting up straighter. “I am an emergency foster parent, and was wondering if it is possible for me to take her in?”

Stacie looked up, a little bit of shock on her face. “Oh yes, that’s right. I thought your name sounded familiar. I’m just going to call my supervisor and confirm, and get the paperwork started as soon as possible in order for you to take her home tonight. Do you have a car seat to transport her?” 

“Uh, no-“ Lucy began but Grey cut her off. 

“The station has some. I’ll have West bring you one.” Grey said, pulling out his phone.

“Perfect.” Stacie said. “I’ll be right back.” She then left the room, and pressed her phone to her ear. 

“Okay,” Grey said, putting his phone away. “Jackson is going to bring you the carseat, and your car. He was actually wondering where you were, but I didn’t give anything away, just told him that you were here, needed a ride home, and an officer required an infant carseat.” 

Lucy nodded. “Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.” 

“Of course.” 

Stacie walked back in a moment later. “Okay, Officer Chen, you are all set to foster her. Because she doesn’t have a name at the moment, you can either name her, or DCFS will make up a name for her on her birth certificate.” 

Lucy looked down at the baby. “I’ll name her, if thats okay. Will she get my last name?” 

Stacie nodded. “Yes. At least until we find her family, or she is adopted, either by you or another family.” 

Lucy nodded. “Okay, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Are you okay to fill out the birth certificate and discharge paperwork?” Stacie asked, and Lucy nodded. 

“Yes I am.” 

“Okay. Here is my card,” Stacie said, pulling out a business card with her phone number and email. “I will be the one in charge of her case, and if you have any questions at all, please don’t hesitate to call or email.”

“Okay, thank you so much.” Lucy said. Stacie nodded, said her goodbyes, and left the room. 

“See?” Grey said with a smile. “Told you they’d say yes.”

Lucy just giggled, and looked back down at the sleeping infant. 

“What are you going to name her?” Grey asked, and Lucy answered without looking up. 

“Tamara.” She said. “It means the lotus flower in Indian, which represents purity and divinity.” 

“Beautiful,” Grey said. “Any middle name ideas?” 

“Oh, um.” Lucy said, looking up. “I’m not going to give her a middle name. In Asian culture, having no middle name is customary. I don’t have a middle name, so it feels wrong to give her one when I don’t, if that makes sense?” 

Grey nodded. “Of course.” He stood up. “Well, if you need anything, just give me a call. I’m sure Jackson is on his way, and will be here soon. I’m going to head back to the station and get your leave paperwork started. Just stop by tomorrow at some point to sign it, okay?” 

Lucy nodded. “Yes, sir. Will do.” 

“Great.” He said, and headed out. 

45 minutes later, Lucy had changed Tamara for the first time, and filled out her birth certificate and discharge paperwork. As she was handing the paperwork back to the nurse, Jackson came in the room with her duffle bag and an Graco SnugRide carseat in tow. 

“Do you know wh-“ Jackson began to ask, but stopped when he saw Lucy being handed some formula and diapers from the nurse. 

“You?” He said in shock. “You needed the carseat?” 

Lucy nodded, a sheepish smile on her face. “Y-yeah. I found her earlier today, and am taking her in as a foster placement.” 

“Oh wow.” Jackson said, putting the car seat down and peering into the bassinet where Tamara was fast asleep in her fluffy onesie that the hospital had provided for her. “She’s adorable.” 

“Yeah,” Lucy smiled. “She is.” 

“So I’m guessing we need to make a stop at Walmart on the way home?” He asked, and Lucy nodded. 

“Yes, we really do. I don’t have anything for her other than what they gave me.” 

Jackson nodded. “No problem. Has she been discharged?” 

Lucy nodded. “Yeah, I can take her home right now.” 

The next few minutes consisted of Jackson and Lucy buckling Tamara into the carseat, and gathering all their belongings up. Lucy darted into the bathroom and changed out of her uniform quickly, and before she knew it, Lucy was leaving the hospital, 7 pound 3 ounce baby in tow. 

They made a quick stop at Walmart, and bought everything they needed for Tamara, at least for a little while. Lucy dropped Jackson off at his place, and Jackson wished her a goodnight, promising to come over after work tomorrow, and making her promise to call him if she needed anything. 

Lucy glanced back at Tamara, who was sound asleep in her carseat. 

“Well, baby girl,” She said, turning into the roadway. “Lets head home.”

[falcqns]

the weight of the world (atlas abandoned his post)

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tamara Colins & Tim Bradford

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tamara has a nightmare after seeing her parents fight, and finds herself to be 5 years old again.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: childhood trauma, arguments, mentions of weapons, tamara feeling abandoned, death of a parent (NOT TIM OR LUCY), tamara is not moving out in my fics sorry, happy ending ish?? 

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

A/N: title is from Lazarus Rises (Amongst Other Things) By Berklie Novak-Stolz. I have not seen season 6 yet as its not available to stream in Canada yet so if there’s any errors please let me know, I’m writing this based off of tiktok clips lol. tagging @natashasera

Tamara rolls over in bed, hugging her big Godzilla squish mallow to her chest, tears falling down her cheeks. The same squish mallow that Tim had gotten her when Lucy had gone undercover to take down Frank Teska. 

“Just imagine Godzilla squashing all the bad guys in your dreams,” he’d said. “And if that doesn’t work, you can always call me.”

Tamara held back a sob. There was nothing more she wanted to do right now, than call Tim. She wanted to call him, have him take away her fears, and keep her safe. 

But how can he keep her safe from her fears when he himself is the reason for those fears? How can he keep her safe when he left her?

She had never seen Lucy so angry. Lucy hadn’t even been that angry when Tamara stole her car, and yet Tamara knew she was seeing true anger come from Lucy as she stood in the kitchen in Angela’s arms, covering her ears in an attempt to block out the yelling from her parents in the living room. 

She had felt 5 years old again, hiding in the closet, desperately trying to keep her distance from her parents who were fighting like they had never fought before. Fighting because her dad had found out her mom was having an affair with their dealer, who also happened to be her dad’s best friend. Suddenly, she felt like she was holding her breath, trying desperately not to scream as two gun shots rattled the tiny apartment, and she prayed she wasn’t his next victim.

Suddenly, the large bedroom felt suffocating, and Tamara couldn’t take it anymore.

Tamara sat up, still hugging Godzilla to her chest. She glanced beside her at the clock, which read 3:21 am. She grabbed her phone off the charger, before getting out of bed and walking out of her room. She walked across the living room as quietly as she could, and peeked into Lucy’s room, where Lucy was fast asleep on the bed, exhausted after the fight with Tim. So tired, that she hadn’t even taken off her shoes or gotten under the covers. 

Tamara put Godzilla down, and her phone on top, before making her way over to the bed. She gently took Lucy’s shoes off of her feet, and placed them beside her vanity. She then grabbed the throw blanket off of the arm chair in the corner, and draped it over her. She then pressed a gentle kiss to her head, trying not to wake her as she whispered. 

“I’ll be back in a bit, mom,” She said, her voice shaking as she said the word she’d been too scared to say out loud when Lucy was awake. 

She then grabbed her phone and stuffy, put her own shoes on, and grabbed her keys off of her hook. 

She needed to go see her safe space, even if he wasn’t so safe right now. 

The drive to Tims seemed to take forever, despite the roads being nearly empty. Her stomach churned and her mind worked a million miles a minute, unsure what she was going to say to Tim. Was she going to be nice? Was she going to yell? She went over what she wanted to say, but none of it felt right. Just as she pulled into his driveway, she decided to just wing it and do what comes natural. 

She slammed her car door shut a little harder than necessary, but it got the desired reaction when she saw the light in Tim’s bedroom turn on. She sniffed, wiping the tears from her eyes as she walked up the path to the front door. She didn’t want to let him know she had been crying, but he was a police officer for gods sakes, he was going to notice no matter what. 

She knocked on the door quietly, knowing he was already awake and was probably about to look out through his living room room curtains to see who was at the door. She looked over to the curtains and fought back a smile when she saw his head poke out, and his eyes meet hers. His brow creased, and then curtains flipped back into their original position seconds before the front door opened, revealing Tim.

“Tamara?” Tim asked, in shock. “What are you doing here?” 

Tamara scoffed and pushed her way into the house. 

“I’m here because you once told me that when I had a nightmare, and Godzilla wasn’t able to squash the bad guys, I could come to you, so here I am!” She said, her voice rising in volume and shaking. 

Tim nodded. “Okay, okay,” he said, walking closer and opening his arms for her. “Come here, Bub.” Tamara fell into his arms and her tears immediately returned, beginning to soak Tim’s henley. “Shhhh,” he whispered into her hair as he rocked them back and forth. “Its going to be okay, you’re safe now.” 

Tamara shook her head and pulled away from Tim quickly. “No it’s not!” She said, getting more and more upset. Tim looked at her with a questioning look on her face, and Tamara wasted no time in blowing up at him. 

“How can it be fine when you’re the bad guy in the dream?” She screamed, the tears, anguish and anger she had been holding back since she had woken up from the nightmare exploding out of her. “How can I make Godzilla squish you when I’m hiding in the closet again, listening to the same argument you had just had, hearing Mom yell at you to stop, to put the gun down, that she’s sorry, only for you to not listen, when all I want is for you to stop yelling and to comfort me and to tell me that no matter what happens you’ll always be my dad?! How will it be fine? All mom was trying to do was help you, and you pushed her away! And you pushed me away! Why?” She screamed. 

“I wanted to help you too, to be there for you, and you wouldn’t even give me the chance! What did I do?” AS she finished yelling she fell to the ground, buried her face in her Godzilla, and cried. 

Cried out not only because o the nightmare, but because of everything. Because of Tim not letting Lucy in. Tim not letting her in. Them fighting, Lucy crying the entire way home, and Tamara being helpless as to what to do, because she had never seen her mom cry that hard. Wanting nothing more than for Tim to wrap her up in his arms and hold her like she’s his little girl and-

…oh.

Two strong arms surround Tamara and she feels herself being pulled up and into Tim’s arms. He’s whispering to her that he’s right there, that he’s got her, that she’s safe, that he loves her. 

“Its okay baby girl,” he whispered, rocking them back and forth. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his own voice shaking with emotion. “I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you away, or Lucy.” 

Tamara choked out another sob, followed by the word “Why?” 

“I-I thought I was protecting you by pushing you two away.” He explained as he began to rub her back. “I thought I was keeping you safe, but obviously I was wrong since Ray found you two.” He squeezed her close. “I wont make that mistake again. Okay? I promise.” 

“D-Don’t leave me,” Tamara whimpered. “Please, daddy.” 

Tim squeezed her even tighter. “Never. Never again.”

[falcqns]

you'll be alright (no one can hurt you now) chapter five

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Lucy Chen & Tamara Colins, Tim Bradford & Lucy Chen, background Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tim finds out if Lucy will be (physically) okay.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: canon divergence, Tim Bradford would do anything for Lucy Chen, post Day Of Death, slight angst, mentions of kidnapping and hospitals. tagging @natashasera obv.

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

Tim sat in the hard plastic hospital chair, still cradling Tamara in his hands. She was awake, and staring up at him, her eyes looking everywhere but his own. He glanced down at her outfit, which consisted of blush pink ribbed pants, a beige knitted sweater, and matching beige knitted socks. 

Tamara cooed, kicking her legs out, making her feet hit Tim’s stomach. “You’re so beautiful,” Tim said quietly to Tamara. “Just like your mama.” His left thumb began stroking her soft skin from her eyebrow down to her jaw and back. Her hands scrunched up over her face, rubbing her eyes as she yawned. 

“Oh,” Tim commented. “Are you a sleepy girl?” He asked quietly, and moved Tamara slowly so that she was laying on his chest, her eyelids fluttering closed shortly after. Tim smiled as she got comfortable, snuggling in close to his neck. Tim ran his hands up and down her back as he felt her breathing even out. 

A few moments after Tamara had drifted off to sleep, Dr Sawyer walked into the waiting room. Tim immediately stood up, his hands holding Tamara tightly. 

“Officer Bradford?” She asked, and when Tim nodded she continued. “Lucy has been stabilized, and at this moment, it looks like she will make a full recovery.” 

TIm breathed out the sigh of relief he had been holding in since they’d arrived at the hospital and she had been taken back with the doctors. His boot was going to be okay. He wasn’t going to have to learn what it would be like to live without Lucy Chen, something that had been on his mind since he had learned she had been taken. He had been petrified, realizing that without Lucy, his life would be utterly silent. There would have been no more personal talk in the shop (despite his no personal talk in the shop rule, a rule that he had been unable to enforce with Lucy), no more singing along to Taylor Swift or finding out about the latest news and hints about the singer. No more chai latte, no more taco wagon on Tuesdays. 

But now that he knew those things would continue, he was overjoyed. He couldn’t wait for her to be healed, released, and back on the job with him for 12 hours a day. But, that day was still a while away. 

“C-Can I see her?” He asked, and Grace nodded with a smile on her face. 

“Of course,” She said. “Follow me.” 

Grace led him and Tamara into the room where Lucy was being held. She looked peaceful, lying on the bed, under heavy sedation. Her eyes were closed, her face was relaxed, and her breathing was even and healthy. The knot of fear in Tim’s chest loosened slightly, seeing proof that she was alive and okay. He held Tamara close as he sat down in the chair next to her bed, and looked up at Grace as she spoke to him. 

“The sedation should wear off overnight.” Grace said. “If anything changes, such as her waking up, press the call button and either a nurse or myself will come and assist.” She said, and nodded when Tim thanked her, before walking out the door. 

Tim adjusted Tamara as he got as comfortable as he could in the plastic chair. Tamara moved slightly, her forehead wrinkling up as she was awoken briefly from her sleep, but the 3 month old settled down rather quick. 

Tim looked up at Lucy briefly, before looking back down at Tamara. He didn’t know how to feel about Lucy, his boot, adopting this baby that she found while on duty. He felt that, despite being off on medical leave, he should have been notified that she was doing this, as he was her training officer. But, at the same time, he knew she wasn’t thinking of herself when she kept Tamara a secret from him, she was thinking about Tamara. He had known Lucy for almost 4 months now, and the one thing he was certain about when it came to his rookie was that she was selfless. She always thought of others first, regardless of how it would affect her. 

So no, he wasn’t mad, per say, he was more disappointed that she didn’t trust him enough to be told a secret as big and important as the baby in his arms. But, that would change. He would make sure that she knew, from now on, how much he cared about her. How he was there for not only her, but also Tamara, no matter what, in anyway he could. 

Now all she had to do was wake up. 

[falcqns]

bestie your making me want a kelce dr but i don't know who to date !!!!

florence pugh or hailee strippers!

[falcqns]

marjorie

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Morgan Stark & Tony Stark

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: the more Morgan grows, the more she misses her dad.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: mentions of endgame, grief, angst, post endgame

✰ 𝐚/𝐧: tagging @natashasera ! i’ll miss you forever, tony 🫶🏼

don't forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

Never be so kind, you forget to be clever

Never be so clever, you forget to be kind

And if I didn't know better

I'd think you were talking to me now

When her father first died, Morgan didn’t understand. She didn’t understand why everyone was upset, why everyone was wearing black, why her mom slept on the couch or with her instead of in her bed.

More than anything, Morgan didn’t understand why her dad wasn’t with her. Why he wasn’t downstairs in the morning, making her pancakes, and drinking his green smoothie like he did every morning? Why wasn’t he the one comforting her after a nightmare or when she’s sick? She loved her mother, she truly did, but where did her father go?

If I didn't know better

I'd think you were still around

What died didn't stay dead

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, you're alive in my head

As Morgan grew, she began to understand. She still fully didn’t understand, but she was able to grasp the concept of her father was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. At first, she thought that she did something wrong to make her dad leave, but her mom squashed that immediately.

“Your father didn’t leave because he didn’t love us,” she had said. “He left because he had to. Because it was between his one life, and the life of half of the universe. He died to save us, to make sure you got to live the life he imagined for you.”

And while Morgan understood what her dad did, it didn’t make it any easier. It didn’t make her any less mad when she saw Nick Fury or Sam Wilson, knowing that it could have been them instead, and that she would still have her dad. It didn’t hurt any less when she addressed father’s day cards to Uncle Happy or her big brother Peter, or even to her mom. It didn’t hurt any less, seeing her classmates and friends with their fathers knowing she’ll never have that.

What died didn't stay dead

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, so alive

Although Morgan struggled with this, with knowing she lost her father at such a young age, she didn’t let it show. No one told her she had to be strong for her mother, but when she came downstairs, on May 29th, 2024, and sees her mother holding a picture of her and her father when she was a baby while crying, she wanted to make sure her mom never had to worry about her.

And so, she started to hide the pain she felt, while telling herself it was better this way, this way her mom didn’t have to worry about her.

Never be so polite, you forget your power

Never wield such power, you forget to be polite

And if I didn't know better

I'd think you were listening to me now

And Morgan thought she was doing a good job. She thought that no one could tell, that everyone assumed she had moved passed it.

And for a while, she was doing a good job. She kept her pain to herself. Only cried in the dead of the night or when home alone, or on the day that her father passed.

That all ended, when her junior prom just so happened to fall on October 17th. And then, just like leaves fall from the trees, all those walls she had built up came crashing down around her in a pile.

The autumn chill that wakes me up

You loved the amber skies so much

Long limbs and frozen swims

Morgan was getting ready for homecoming, and everything was fine. She put on her dress, had her makeup, hair and nails done, and felt prettier than she had ever felt in her 16 years of life. She put her shoes on, and made her way down the stairs, where her date Ryan, who had also been her best friend since first grade, was waiting for her.

Her mom complimented her, told her how beautiful she was and how much she loved her. Morgan could see the longing just behind the loving gaze in her mothers eyes. The longing for her father to be there, standing with her as she goes off to her first prom. She smiled warmly at her mother, and hugged her for a little longer than she normally would, trying to tell her that everything would be okay; that she had done a great job without him, and that he’d be as proud as she was for raising her as a single parent.

After a few pictures with her mom, Ryan, her brother Peter and her Uncle Happy, Morgan and Ryan were in the back of her moms car, being driven to the winery where prom was taking place.

Morgan was a little sad that her dad wasn’t here for this, but that was something that she had gotten used to. She had gotten used to seeing the empty chair next to her mom at her baseball games, at her dance recitals, at her gym meets. She had gotten used to the empty, untouched spot on the sofa that seemed to taunt her as she opened presents on Christmas and her birthday; and had gotten used to the muffled cries from her mom on those same days.

What she hadn’t gotten used to was seeing everyone else with their fathers, and her not having one. She knew almost everyone else in her grade had dads in some way, but to be faced with it on what was supposed to be a happy night, was really tough for Morgan to deal with. She wanted nothing more than her dad to be the one embarrassing her with her date who was definitely just a friend and who she definitely has not been in love with since 2nd grade, a year after they met. She wanted to hear her dad tell her she was beautiful, that she had made him proud, that while he hated seeing her grow up, he was loving who she was becoming.

But she couldn’t have that. The other girls in her class had that; but she didn’t.

She made it through the pictures by biting her tongue, and avoiding all the other girls in her class, but wasn’t as lucky after dinner had finished and the slower music began to play.

By the time the song “Candle In The Wind” started playing, Morgan felt like she was a house being held together by still-wet glue; one wrong move and she’d be falling apart, letting the entire world what was wrong on the inside.

Ryan convinced her to go dance, and she bit the inside of her cheek, trying to keep the tears at bay as the song played on. She just had to hold it together until the end of the song, then she could go to the bathroom, cry a little bit, fix her makeup, and everything would be fine.

You'd always go past where our feet could touch

And I complained the whole way there

The car ride back and up the stairs

And then, Elton John sang the words “and i would have liked to have known you, but i was just a kid.” and a tear spilled over. Suddenly, she was powerless to stop them coming, despite her earlier strength. She bowed her head, trying to hide the tears from Ryan, but Ryan had always been able to sense when something was wrong with her.

“Hey,” He whispered, pulling her closer. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

She also knew she couldn’t lie to him, so she didn’t. “No,” she whimpered, and Ryan wasted no time in dragging her off the dance floor, and leading her outside. He wrapped her in a hug, and let her cry.

She also knew that Ryan knew what was wrong, which she was grateful for. He always seemed to know exactly what she needed and what she was thinking, which made being his friend 10x easier.

“He’d be proud of you, y’know?” Ryan whispered. “Getting this far, with his last name, and not being expelled.” He joked, and Morgan laughed. “You’re the top of our class in every subject, you have an awesome best friend, and you have a family who supports you no matter what. He’d be so proud.”

Morgan sniffled. “It hurts,” She said. “Seeing our classmates with their dads. Knowing that they have someone they can call dad, someone they can go to for things they can’t go to their moms about. I don’t have that, and I hate it.”

Ryan hugged her tighter. “I know.” He whispered.

“I miss it. I miss it all. All aspects of having a dad. I miss him even though I barely had him.” She continued. “I barely had him, and I barely know him because it hurts to much to learn about him, even though there’s nothing more that I want in this world than to truly know my father.”

Ryan shrugged. “I know. I cant imagine what this feels like, and you have full permission to hit me if this isn’t what is going to help;” he said, prompting a giggle from Morgan. “but maybe, it would help if you did learn about him. If you did talk to your mom, to your brother and uncle, read things about him. It might help you to feel closer to him if you know him.”

I should've asked you questions

I should've asked you how to be

“Hi dad.” Morgan said, sitting down in front of her fathers headstone. “I’m sorry that I haven’t visited before now,” She began. “I never really had someone to take me before, and I know it’s too hard for Mom, Peter and Uncle Happy to come here. And, it was just too hard for me too. Knowing that you’re here, but that I can see you, or hold your hand. But, I’ve realized that that was just hurting me more, not knowing who you are and not talking to you.”

Morgan took a deep breath, before telling her father all about her life. About her accomplishments, about what she liked, and about Ryan. About how she had loved him for so long but didn’t know how to tell him, and that she wished he was here so that she could know what Ryan might be thinking. She told him that she missed him, and that even though she only had him for 4, they were the best 4 years.

“You were my best four years, Dad.” She said, letting the tear run down her face. “I miss you more and more everyday.”

She stayed a little bit longer, not wanting to leave. But, when the sun started to touch the horizon, she knew it was time to head home. She touched the headstone once more, promising to herself that she would come back more often.

“I love you 3000, Dad. I’ll see you soon.”

She opened the car door, and Ryan smiled at her.

“How was it?” He asked.

Morgan nodded with a smile. “You were right. It did help.”

“Always the tone of surprise,” he teased, making Morgan laugh as they pulled away from the cemetery, heading back home.

Asked you to write it down for me

Should've kept every grocery store receipt

'Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me

Morgan looked out her window, seeing all of the parents saying goodbye to their children.

It was her freshman year at MIT, and she had never felt so ready; so at peace. She had been given her fathers old dorm. And although he hadn’t set foot in this room for years, it still felt like him, and it calmed her. She would miss her Mom like crazy, but she felt safe, knowing she was following in her fathers footsteps.

Her eyes fell onto her forearm, where she had the words “i love you 3000, my Maguna” in her dads handwriting were inked into her skin. It had been her moms idea on her 18th birthday. he had written it on her 18th birthday card, which he wrote the night before him and the Avengers won. She got it tattooed that very same day, and that small little tattoo had become her lifeline.

It no longer hurt, seeing fathers with their children. She felt a longing, something she knew she always would, but it didn’t break her in two like it once did.

Her eyes moved to her left hand, and she smiled. She knew that the man who had gave her the beautiful diamond ring that sat on her ring finger had a lot to do with that, and she couldn’t be happier.

Watched as you signed your name Marjorie

All your closets of backlogged dreams

And how you left them all to me

“Hi Dad,” Morgan said, sitting down, trying to be careful of the newborn in her arms, and the scar on her stomach that was still healing. “I’m sorry I didn’t get here last week, this little one decided to make his arrival sooner than planned.” She said, looking down at her son with a smile.

“We named him after you.” She said. “Theodore Anthony Stark. Theo for short.” She smiled. “And yes, Ryan took your last name, we got the paperwork finalized. He wanted us to share a name, but didn’t want me giving up your name, so he took yours. Hope that’s okay.”

Morgan swallowed the lump in her throat. “Ryan was going to be here, but he somehow got suckered into moving some furniture for Mom, and I know for a fact that you had something to do with that.” She sniffled. “I’m sorry you won’t get to see him grow up, but I know you’ll always be looking out for him. And I promise to talk about you as much as possible, and to make sure he knows that had it not been for you, he wouldn’t have existed. Thank you for your sacrifice, Dad. It brought me Ryan, and then Theo. I miss you,” she said.

“I think I’ll miss you forever,” she continued. “But I know you’ll always be with me.”

“I love you 3000, Dad.”

If I didn't know better

I'd think you were still around

I know better

But I still feel you all around

I know better

But you're still around

[falcqns]

Nvm why are you mad

he ate my pringles that i’ve been thinking about all day :(

[falcqns]

𝐞𝐩𝐢𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐲

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: with you i serve, with you i fall down. watch you breathe in, watch you breathing out.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: hint of autistic!Bucky, inaccurate medical writing by me (pls dont resusitate someone by hitting and punching their chest ok), internalized homophobia but only briefly, violence, blood, hospitals, nightmares. mentions of murder, and weapons.

✰ 𝐚/𝐧: just me channelling my inner @musette22 honestly. inspired by this convo with @natashasera. will probably include a part two at some point.

to who ever reads this: don't bother asking for a part two, you won't get it. i am the owner of this fic, and this blog, and I, and only I, will decided what fic gets a part two and when. respect me and my wishes or get off my blog. thanks!

don't forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

The Asset collapsed beside The Target's body, watching it's shallow breathing. It knows it should flee, but The Target is important. not just important to it's handlers, but to The Asset as well. The Target knew The Asset, and carried an expression on its face that The Asset had never seen before.

The Target coughed, blood spurting from its mouth. The Target wheezed, and before The Asset could think about his actions, he was pulling on Steve's arm, and rolling him onto his side, maneuvering him into the recovery position.

Bucky blinked, confused. where was he? what had happened? he looked around him, and saw large skyscrapers reaching into the heavens. his breathing was now as shallow as Steve's was only moments ago, which made him look back at Steve, not being able to hear Steve's rattling chest anymore. the same rattling chest that kept him up at night, the two of them crammed into a small twin sized bed because thats all they could afford.

he pushed Steve on his back, and flesh hand shook, trying to remember what Sarah, Steve's mom and the best second parent Bucky could have asked for, taught him to do if her son ever stopped breathing. he choked out a sob, leaning down and listening for breathing. he choked out a laugh, hearing the steady rise and fall of his lungs, smooth and healthy. his eyes roamed over Steve's body, and he slowly began to piece together that had happened since the last time they were in their cozy Brooklyn apartment.

the war, the draft, the serum. the train, the metal bar breaking and plunging him into the snowy depths below. seeing Steve's break out into terror and desperation, and the ground came rushing towards him faster than a leaf falling from a tree.

he looked down, feeling warmth surround one of his knees. thick, scarlet blood was pouring from an injury on Steve's side, and there was too much blood. too much for him, even.

"fuck, Stevie," Bucky whimpered, and rolled him over. Bucky's body almost crumpled seeing the gunshot wound in Steve's side. "no, no, no," he gasped, pressing his hands to the wound, trying to stop the bleeding. Steve was pale, too pale. paler than when he got tuberculosis, and Bucky lost Steve twice in one night, bringing him back each time with a combination of CPR, praying, and slapping his white skin.

"Stevie, don't do this," he begged, just like he had then. "jus' stay with me. stay with me, i'll get you help. c'mon," he said, pushing all his body weight on the wound.

suddenly, he heard footsteps approaching from behind him. his head whipped around, and his eyes landed on a man in a SHIELD uniform. hope filled his tired body, and he broke out into a smile.

"sir," he gasped for air, feeling 10 years old again, and helping Steve after some playground bullies beat him up. "i need help. i think he's bleeding out," he said.

his eyes were so focused on the other man, that he didn't notice the bleeding stop. he also didn't notice blue eyes gazing up at him, filled with love.

"h-he needs help," Bucky gasped, not understanding why the man wasn't moving. "he's gonna die, and i can't lose him, please!" he begged, and watched as the man groaned.

"man, Pierce is gonna kill me," the man groaned, and walked towards Bucky. Bucky went to smile, but all the muscles in his face relaxed and contorted into terror as the man grabbed his tac suit on the shoulder, and began to drag him away.

Bucky shook his head, a scream ripping from his throat.

"NO!" he shouted, trying to get away. "you have to help him! he's gonna die!"

the man groaned, and reached for his gun. "can't believe i got roped into doing this shit," he growled, but before he could as much as pull his gun out of his holster, he was interrupted by a deep, smooth voice.

"don't even think about it, Rumlow." Steve said, struggling to keep his voice steady, pointing his own gun at the rogue agent.

"it's not-" Rumlow began, releasing Bucky, and letting him crash onto his dislocated arm, pain shooting up his torso.

"it's not personal?" Steve growled, moaning in pain and inching closer to Rumlow, the gun pressing closer to him. "it sure feels like it. especially if you're going after the one person i'd burn the world for if it meant i could save him."

"Cap, i'm just following orders." Rumlow tried to reason, but before he could finish his defence, a gun shot rang out, and Rumlow fell to the ground, dead before he even made contact with the wet grass.

Bucky broke out into sobs, grabbing onto Steve's tac suit with his flesh hand.

"Stevie-" he gasped, and Steve fell to his knees. his hands grabbed onto Bucky, and he pulled him close.

"'m here," Steve said, voice growing weak. "'s all right, you're safe."

"don't leave." Bucky begged, soaking Steve's dirty suit with his tears.

Steve went to answer, but was interrupted by Sam running into the clearing where they were. upon seeing Bucky, he pulled his gun out, but was stopped by Steve.

"don't," Steve said. "he's fine. it's him, not the other one." Sam nodded, and called over his comm his location to Nat, Fury, and Maria.

"are you hurt," Sam asked, approaching them. Steve nodded.

"he is too," Steve said, motioning to Bucky. "his arm is dislocated."

Sam got on his knees and nodded. "okay. Bucky, can you roll over so i can put your arm back in the socket?" he asked, and Bucky looked warily up at Steve, but when Steve nodded, he complied, his hand still gripping Steve's suit.

"3...2...1..." Sam counted down, before pushing on his arm, and popping it back in place. Bucky let out a shout, hot tears rolling down his face at the pain. Steve shushed him and wiped his tears as a helicopter approached. as they were brought inside the helicopter and the door slid shut behind him, Bucky didn't let go of Steve, and continue to cry into his chest, afraid that Steve would slip away if he let go of him.

"no!" Bucky said, readjusting his grip on Steve's suit. "don'! don't take him!" Bucky cried, breathing heavy.

"Bucky," Sam said, his hand wrapping around Bucky's and trying to get him to release Steve. they'd made it to the hospital, and the nurses had tried to wheel Steve away for surgery, but Bucky refused to part with him. "he's gonna be okay. they're just gonna take him into surger-"

"NO!" Bucky screeched, flinging himself ontop of Steve. "you can't!" he exclaimed, and Sam and Nat shared a confused look. "the last t-time he went into surgery he got sepsis and almost d-died!" Bucky sobbed, and Nat sighed, before slowly walking up to him, and gently prying his hand off of Steve, allowing the nurses to wheel him away.

"it's okay, James," she whispered, seeing the terror and heartbreak on Bucky's face as Steve was wheeled away. Bucky tried to pull away, but his body remained where it was, exhausted. "he's strong. super strong, remember?" she said, moving his dirty hair from his face. "remember how he got the serum, and he wasn't sick anymore?" she prompted, and Sam, realizing what she was doing, sat down on Bucky's other side, and rubbed his shoulder.

"he just needs to get the bullet removed, and get some stitches," Sam said. "once that's done, you can go see him again, okay?" Sam said, and him and Natasha smiled at each other when he began to relax into their arms. "he's going to be okay." Sam said, and looked at Nat as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"why don't we go back to my place and get you cleaned up?" she offered. "Steve's going to be in surgery for a while, and he'll be happy to see you clean," she said. Bucky pondered it for a moment, before agreeing, and letting Sam help him stand up, and the three of them slowly made their way out of the hospital, and into Nat's car.

"can you tell me the last thing you remember," Nat asked as she washed Bucky's hair in the kitchen sink. "before the draft?" Bucky nodded, and thought back.

"i remember saving Steve from a fight behind some diner. i guess he had heard someone cat calling one of our old school friends, and decided to give him a piece of his mind. but, like always, he ended up black and blue because he never got the fact that he was 80 pounds and the size of a tree branch through his thick skull.” Bucky said, sighing as Nat’s nails scratched at his scalp.

“is he really going to be okay?” Bucky asked, his eyes focusing on some of the light blue paint on the eggshell white ceiling of Nat’s apartment.

Nat nodded. “he’s going to be fine. he’ll pull through, he always has, hasn’t he?”

Bucky nodded. “yeah he has.” Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat before he spoke again. “has he told you about the time when he died twice in one night?”

Nat shook her head, concerned. “no he hasn’t.”

Bucky chuckled quietly, his flesh forefinger tracing the plates of his metal hand. “he had tuberculosis. he’d had it a few times, but this time was by far the worst. he hadn’t been feeling well all day, and he was getting worse and worse as the day went on. Sarah helped as much as she could, but eventually she had to go to work, so it was just me and Stevie in the apartment.”

Nat helped Bucky sit up and wrapped a towel around his head, drying the freshly cleaned hair. Bucky continued talking while Natasha ran a wide toothed comb through his hair, trying to detangle it.

“it was around 3 when i noticed his breathing change. i monitored it for a little bit, but ended up falling asleep. about 20 minutes later, i woke up, and something didn’t feel right. i looked over at S-Stevie, and his lips were turning blue. i remember starting cpr immediately and screaming for him to wake up. i don’t know how long i did cpr for but eventually he came back, and was weak but okay. i was going to call his ma but he told me no, and to let her work, being the jerk that he was. i stayed in the bed with him, and around 4 it happened again. i’d broken a few of his ribs while doing cpr and i didn’t want them to puncture his lung, so i just started shaking him and slapping him. i pounded his chest, above his heart a few times as hard as i could, and eventually he came back. he was stronger, and his breathing was better and a little smoother, and i knew he’d be okay.

"i just..." Bucky said, looking down at his hand and sniffling. "i just remember holding him and not wanting to let go. i wanted to tell him then," he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. "th-that i-uhm..."

"that you loved him?" Natasha said, maneuvering his shoulder length hair into a braid.

"y-yeah," Bucky stuttered, tear burning his eyes. "i know we'll never be able to be open about it, or get married, but i just want him to know."

"well," Natasha said, tying the braid off with an elastic. "you may not be able to get married yet, but you're allowed to be open about it," Natasha said.

Bucky jerked his head to look behind him. "w-what?"

"gay marriage isn't legalized yet, but it's legal to be in a relationship with who ever you want, as long as you're both consenting adults." Natasha said as she climbed off of the stool behind him. "so, when he wakes up, you can tell him how you feel." she said, giving Bucky a warm smile.

before Bucky could respond, Sam walked through the front door of the apartment.

"he's awake," Sam said, a smile on his face as he looked at the other two. "he's still a little groggy, but he's going to be okay, and the doctor said we can go visit him."

a smile broke out on Bucky's face, and it grew bigger when Nat patted him on the shoulder to get him to stand up.

"we can take my car," Nat said, swiping her keys off of the counter top where she'd dropped them earlier. Sam made a rebuttal as Bucky walked over to the shoe rack and grabbed his combat boots. did he want to put them back on? no, but it wasn't like he had other options.

he slid the boots on, and followed Natasha and Sam out the door. the ride to the hospital was quiet. Sam and Nat discussed what they needed to do about Bucky, and Bucky kept quiet, trying to present as though he didn't care what happened to him, but on the inside, his stomach was churning violently.

what would happen to him? he asked himself. would the judicial system understand what he went through, and understand that he wasn't a bad person, that he was forced to do bad things? or would they see him as a violent criminal who could snap at any moment and send him back to a cell for the rest of his life?

bad thoughts like that continued to swirl in his brain as Natasha's car slowed to a stop in the hospital parking lot. his stomach started to do flipflops as he followed the couple through the hallways, attempting to find Steve's hospital room. would Steve hate him? he didn't seem to hate him on the riverbank, which must mean he didn't. Bucky really hoped that he didn't. he really hoped that the Steve he was about to see would be the same Steve that went through Project Rebirth, and then infiltrated a HYDRA base by himself just to save Bucky. he hoped to God, that nothing has changed his Steve.

they came to a stop in front of the door, and Sam and Nat looked at him expectantly.

"well?" Nat asked, with a smirk.

"well, what?" Bucky asked, confused, looking between the two people.

"are you going to go in and see your man?" she asked, and Bucky had to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

"he's not my man." Bucky stated, and Sam snorted from where he was standing beside Nat.

"man, you spent the entire time Nat was washing your hair talking about Steve. you proclaimed you were in love with him, and basically admitted you want to marry him. how does that not make Steve 'your man?'" Sam said, and Bucky looked at him indignantly.

"me confessing my feelings doesn't mean he shares those same feelings," Bucky said, his eyes turning towards the closed hospital door. "as much as I wish he did."

"well, you're never going to know unless you ask him." Nat said. Bucky laughed.

"and ruin a friendship with my longest, and now only, friend? no. it's better to keep my feelings to myself. it'll hurt less eventually." Bucky resigned, and Sam chuckled next to him.

"conceal don't feel, don't let it show, right?" Sam said, and both him and Nat cracked up. Bucky looked between the two of them, feeling as if he'd missed something.

"...huh?" he said, and Nat had to bite her lip to stop from laughing.

"nothing. go see Steve." she said, pushing his shoulder. Bucky nodded slowly, confused, but turned to open the door. he stepped through, his eyes locked on the floor.

"go get 'em, Elsa!" he heard Sam shout through the doorway, and furrowed his brows again, confused on what Sam was talking about, but his face relaxed when he saw Steve, sitting up in bed, reading The Hobbit.

"S-Steve," Bucky said quietly. Steve looked over at him, and Bucky felt nauseous as his eyes lit up and his face broke out into a smile.

"hey, Buck. how are you feeling?" he said, placing the book down. Bucky gulped. he didn't know what to say. what could he say to Steve? the last time he was fully himself and spoke to Steve, it was 1945, and they talked about their trip to Coney Island, and how Steve threw up after Bucky made him go on the Cyclone.

the memory, while there, was extremely fuzzy, the only thing he could make out being the small, skinny, and pale face of his Stevie.

Stevie, the only man he'd ever loved. he loved him when he was small, and he loved him after he got the serum. as much as he loved the thought of him sitting in their apartment in New York waiting for him to come home like a dame would, it made him even happier (internally, on the outside he was still mad) to have Steve with him, fighting beside him. he loved him when he didn't know who he was. he loved him when he didn't know what was love was, because that had been successfully trained out of him. he loved him when he was sitting alone in his cell, confused about the pull he was feeling in his lower stomach. he loved Steven Grant Rogers, and the thought terrified him.

the thought that Steve wouldn't return his feelings. the thought that Steve would be like all those super 'macho' guys that they went to school with, who believed anyone who didn't fit their narrative of a normal person, would go to hell, which made no sense. how was Steve any different from him? yet, he still got made fun of because instead of playing with his blocks, or building a tower, he chose to line them up, or make a circle with them. Bucky felt himself start to spiral, and the only thoughts in his head were "Steve""i love you""don't hate me".

they repeated over and over again. taunting him, begging him to confess, to make a fool out of himself, even though he has distinct memories of the two of them finding a young, gay, couple being tormented by an older man, and despite all the energy Bucky was exerting while beating the literal shit out of this oversized bully, the most prominent image in his head is Steve throwing the first punch, and then Steve asking the couple if they were okay.

instead of rationalizing with himself, his focus shifted suddenly to the buzzing in his ears. the pain in his chest. the black spots in his vision. the last thing he saw before he squeezed his eyes shut was Steve standing up and grasping his shoulders.

"Buck-" he heard. "Buck wha-"

"you sho-" Bucky wheezed, trying to pull in air to stop this horrid pain in his chest. "you should be laying down."

Bucky didn't hear Steve's response, the buzzing turning to ringing, and drowning out any and all noises other than the high pitched ring.

he reopened his eyes when he felt something warm and soft pressed against his forehead. his breath hitched when he saw bright pink, plump lips inches away from his own. his eyes zeroed in on the movement that they were making, before realizing Steve was speaking to him.

the ringing dimmed slightly, and other sounds were finally allowed inside his mind, and he quickly realized that the sensation was Steve's forehead pressed against his own, and why Steve was doing it.

Bucky was having an attack, and Steve was trying to calm him down, just like he always did. a lump formed in his throat and tears welled in his eyes as he felt Steve wrap his arms around him as the pain in his chest retreated slightly, and it became easier to breathe. his breath hitched as he came out from the attack, and tried not to collapse into Steve's arm like he used to. Steve, thinking like a Captain (always one step ahead), strengthened his hold on Bucky, and walked them back towards the bed.

Steve sat down, and brushed a stray hair away from Bucky's face, Bucky focused his eyes on Steve and sniffled seeing the soft and loving look Steve was giving him.

"it's okay," Steve whispered. "it's okay, baby." he said, and Bucky felt himself crumple. Steve wasted no time in scooping him up into his lap, and letting him nuzzle his head into his neck and cry out his pain.

he cried. he cried and cried, feeling 70 years of anguish pour out from his body as he was finally allowed to have emotions and express them. his hands fisted in Steve's hospital gown, curling up as he felt the pleasant warmth radiating from the thin material.

a few minutes later, his tears finally stopped, and he was then fighting to keep his eyes open. it wasn't that he didn't want to look at Steve, it was that he was just so comfortable. he was warm, he felt content for the first time in years, and he felt as if he could fall asleep right there.

"Buck?" Steve asked again, startling the half asleep soldier on his lap. "can you look at me?" he asked, but Bucky shook his head with a childish whine. he tensed once he realized the noise he made, but was pleasantly surprised when nothing happened.

Steve moved past the whine as if it didn't happen. his left hand started to cradle the back of Bucky's head, and his right began rubbing up and down.

"okay," Steve said. "it's okay, you don't have to look at me, but I don't want you to feel ashamed for crying or any-" he said before Bucky cut him off.

"'m jus' comfy." Bucky said sleepily, and Steve chuckled. he felt his right hand leave his back, reaching to grab something before relaxing back.

"okay, bud." Steve said. Bucky sniffled, before he felt a straw poking at his mouth. Bucky cracked his eyes open and accepted the straw, sucking down the ice cold water. he sighed in relief after, and went to stand up as Steve set the water cup down, but was stopped as Steve wrapped both arms around him, and the two of them laid back against the hospital bed.

Bucky whimpered, and snuggled closer. Steve chuckled, and Bucky listened to it reverberate through his chest. "missed you," Bucky said, keeping his words short, feeling the emotions build again.

"i missed you too, Buck. every day." he said, his thumb swiping over Bucky's swollen upper cheek.

"i'm sorry," Bucky said, the guilt returning. "i'm sorry i hurt you, i didn't want to, i-"

"shhh, it's okay. i know you didn't mean to." he assured. "nothing that happened was your fault."

Bucky just nodded, unsure what to say to that. while he knew those words were true, it didn't feel like it. they felt fake, like an attempt at cheering him up. he knew they were the truth, so why couldn't he bring himself to believe them?

Bucky didn't know what to say after that, so he said nothing. he kept quiet, even when Nat and Sam came in. when Maria came in, and told them that Bucky could go with Steve, that her and someone named Fury would take care of getting him a pardon. with a name like Fury, Bucky certainly wasn't going to refuse the offer, not that he would anyways. going home with his Stevie, even though he didn't know where 'home' was, was certainly better than being alone in a cold dark cell.

he cuddled in closer to Steve, and listened to him discuss his living situation with Sam and Nat.

"my apartment's not safe," Steve said.

"it's just a window," Sam said, "we could get it fixed."

"no, it's not that, Sam." Nat said. "Bucky was there, the night Fury faked his death. if Bucky was there, then Rumlow and one of his other handlers was definitely there as well. it's not safe to send them back there, especially when we just brought down HYDRA and Shield."

"he had handlers?" Sam asked, and Bucky involuntarily shivered, thinking of Rumlow and Rollins.

"yeah," Nat said. "don't forget, i knew him when i was still in the Red Room. the handlers changed over time, but he always had 2 handlers with him. if you look at it from their perspective, it makes sense. even as the soldier, he didn't want to be there. they couldn't send him out on missions alone."

"yeah, makes sense." Sam said, with a sigh.

"where are we going to go then?" Steve asked, his hand still rubbing Bucky's back.

"i'll call Stark, see if that offer for a place in that fancy new compound still stands," Nat said, and he heard her stand up, and exit the room, likely to call Stark.

Stark...

that name sounded familiar to Bucky. he just didn't know why it felt so familiar. the thought remained on his mind until he drifted to sleep in Steve's arms, comforted by the sound of his steady, healthy heartbeat.

longing

december. night time. long winding road.

rusted

the roar of a machine underneath the asset. 'look down,' the voice says. it complies. leather seats. the roar. motorcycle.

seventeen

white car. wooden pole. security camera.

daybreak

the asset pulls up beside the car. punches through the window. the car veers off the road, and into the pole.

furnace

target one crawling on the gravel, blood dripping.

nine

'Sergeant Barnes?' the target says. a name. it's name? no time to ponder. target two is crying for target one.

two punches for target one. squeeze of a throat for target two.

benign

hand. gun. security camera. point, shoot.

homecoming

the camera is destroyed.

one

metal case with familiar blue liquid.

freight car

mission complete.

well done, soldat.

Bucky jolts awake. Stark. Howard Stark. he sits up. his head falls into his hands.

he killed Howard Stark.

'but,' he thinks. 'if Howard is dead, who is the Stark that they were talking about?'

his question answers itself when he opens his eyes, and sees and unfamiliar room. he looks beside him, and see's Steve sitting up to comfort him.

"w-" Bucky begins, but Steve finishes.

"we're at Tony's compound." he said.

Tony.

Howard's son.

"are we-" Bucky asked, and Steve nodded.

"we're safe, bud." Steve assured, pulling Bucky close to his chest. "we're safe."

Bucky forgets about the dream by the next time he wakes.

he wakes up before Steve this time, and he just stares. he's pretty. so, so pretty. he suddenly wishes that he had paper and a pencil, so he could draw Steve. he was no art prodigy like Steve, but being in art school when he was younger certainly left him with some drawing ability.

he lifted his flesh hand, and traced it tentatively over his jaw. over his chin, around his lips. a chuckle startled him, disturbing his quiet admiration.

"i can feel that, you know." Steve said, opening his eyes, a smile cracking on his lips.

Bucky gulped. he could back out now, ignore it, pretend he's sleeping.

but he doesn't want to.

he can love whoever he wants now. he can love Steve openly, and without fear of being caught. and that was exactly what he was going to do.

"you're just so pretty, Stevie." he whispered. "wish i had a pencil and paper so i could draw you."

Steve smiled up at him. "i could grab you one. i'm sure i have a spare one somewhere."

"nah," Bucky said, shaking his head. "wouldn't do your beauty justice."

a light red tinge appeared on Steve's cheeks, and his tongue darted out to wet his lips. Bucky's thumb had a mind of its own, and rubbed over Steve's plump, pink, bottom lip. his eyes flicked up to meet Steve's, and unlike when kissing a girl, he felt no nerves. no uncertainty.

he felt safe, loved, comfortable. he felt at home. tears rimmed his eyes as he looked at the man he loved. the man who was once smaller than him. the man who he wanted to marry. to have kids with, to spend the rest of his days with.

the man who had only ever made him feel safe. the man who risked everything to save him, more than once. the man he'd been dying to kiss since he knew what kissing, and love was. since he'd realized he'd only ever felt it for Steve.

"'m gonna kiss you now," he whispered, his head dipping slightly. "is that okay?" he asked, not wanting Steve to feel uncomfortable, despite the hardness pressing against his hip which proved that Steve was far from uncomfortable.

"yeah," Steve rasped. he swallowed, his heart rate speeding up. "yeah, that's okay."

their lips touched for the first time, and Bucky felt as if he'd been born again.