#need it and i told her i couldnt work her shift. immediately got a response for that one. go fucking figure. but a part of me did that bc it

[house-in-the-backyard-trees]

babe. you should talk to your friend about it. it won’t be easy but honestly it sounds like she should have talked to you about changing her mind, not blindsided you like that. i’m sorry you’re going through a tough time, you ARE enough, sometimes it just takes time to find your people. coming from someone who just ended a friendship due to not communicating, you should talk to her. you don’t have to make it a big deal, just calmly say “it hurt when you didn’t formally ask me to be a bridesmaid after we had already talked about it.” and make sure she knows you respect her decision but you have every right to also be hurt. just because it’s her wedding day, doesn’t mean she should do that to you. the outcome might not change but i’d bet it would be good to talk about it and air it all out. sending you love 💜💜💜

Like I just distinctly remember her giving me my Christmas present the year she was giving everyone gifts to ask if they'd be in the wedding and I just got some candles. And I was just genuinely so confused. And ever since then I get excited any time she asks me to do her a favor cause my delusional little self thinks she's gonna ask me to be in the wedding cause someone else can't. And just... the friend thats officiating, they don't even like half the time. She literally threw a bottle of water at her boyfriend and it mostly got on my friend's fiance and he got pissed. And I'm like why is she in the wedding still but not me? And I just wanna text her all my feelings cause I'm better at articulating them that way but then she'll get pissed at me for not coming to her in person and having a conversation "like adults" cause that has happened before. I also just think it's why I've been having so much anxiety and depression lately like not even wanting to get out of bed.

[oneletteredwondered]

Unbroken

Sum: Reality can become what you dreamed of it.

Pair: Virgil/Remus, Dukexiety

Written for @dukexietyweek! Day 6: High School, continuation of my Day 2: Fairytales, you do not need to read that to understand this one at all.

Warnings: bullying, mentions of toxic parenting: physical abuse, alluded homophobia, nothing graphic or described in depth, swearing, kisses!!!!!!

--

The only reason Virgil doesn’t bang his head on the top of his locker is because he’s already looking down when he's shoved forward. The wind gets knocked out of him as his chest collides with the metal and his book drops from his hands. He glares over his shoulder at the responsible party.

“Watch it.” Remus growls at him and stalks off. Virgil continues to glare for a moment longer as Remus finds his friends and shoves them but far more friendly than he shoved Virgil. Virgil lets out a sigh and picks up his book, grimacing at the bent cover. He places it in his locker and closes the door to let his head rest against the cool metal.

“Are you alright Virgil?” He lifts his head at the question and offers a strained smile to Patton and Logan as they come closer.

“M’fine.” He says quickly. Patton pouts at him.

“Are you sure? That was a pretty rough-”

“I said I’m fine,” Virgil snaps and immediately winces. Luckily Patton just offers him a small smile in understanding. Logan is glaring over to where Remus is.

“Perhaps you should tell someone about his needless bullying of you.” He says. Virgil is already shaking his head before he finishes his sentence.

“Not worth it,” He says lowly. And really it’s not. Remus does far less to him than he could and he surely doesn’t believe the teachers could do anything to stop Remus should they want to.

“I do not understand why you put up with him,” Logan huffs but not unkindly. Virgil just shrugs and pulls his back pack up on his shoulder.

“Why do you put up with him?” Patton asks and the question feels like ice in Virgil's veins. He supposes he can tell them all about how Remus was his first and only friend for years until Remus one day told him he was weird and couldn't play with him any more. How all of Remus’s bright smiles turned to sneers and Virgil never really go to know why either. How sometimes if he catches Remus’s eye late at night across the dirt patch between their two homes Remus will wave sadly with just his fingers and so will his little brother Roman. He could tell them how part of him still hopes that the Remus he knew is still around somewhere lost in the pages of his childish writings.

“I don't know,” Virgil says instead, looking over at Remus and then back down immediately finding Remus already looking back at him.

“I don't know.” And they head to class without another word.

--

The air outside is calming so late at night. The rustle of trees in the distance provides the subtlest of white noise that has Virgil inhaling deep and calming down from his day. Not necessarily a difficult day, but Remus seemed more plucky, picking on him every chance instead of his usual every other chance. Virgil grit his teeth and bore it not knowing what else to do and not wanting to do what Logan suggests.

He made dinner for himself and saved the left overs in the fridge for when his momma gets home from another late shift. Now he’s just trying to enjoy the last of the day sitting in a field of grass and watching the stars and the whisps of clouds. His mind turns tales of the shapes he sees and tries to remember them all to write down later. Old habits die hard he suposses.

He’s nearly ready to go inside when he hears a crash from behind him. He twists in his spot to see the lights on in the house next door. Remus’s house. He’s frozen in his spot as he hears the yelling pick up. It’s muffled by the house but he knows it's angry and not good. Then the back door swings open harshly.

“I don’t fucking care!” Remus shouts and slams the door behind him so hard Virgil is surprised it’s still on it’s hinges. He remains frozen on the ground as Remus tears at his hair and stomps down the back porch steps and into the field. He walks right pass Virgil and farther out into the field where he stops, and screams.

Virgil winces at the noise, very aware how the lights next door are now off and there’s a good chance Remus is not going to be let back inside. It’s happened once before. He keeps still as Remus kicks up the dirt and grass around him, working out his frustrations and muttering incoherent nonsense to himself, when he looks up and locks eyes with Virgil in the grass. Virgil flinches on reflex.

All at once it seems the weight of the world is dropped on Remus's shoulders, his posture deflates and he looks barely held together and quite frankly ready to cry. Virgil has never really seen Remus cry, not in years at least. Something twists in his stomach at the thought of it.

Remus stalks towards him but not in the proud deviant way he would when he wants tp push Virgil around, more resigned to his fate. So instead of running like Virgil normally would in this instance like how his anxiety wants him to, he stays put. He does lean away though when Remus drops next to him, hikes his legs up, and buries his head in his arms.

The silence is somewhat deafening but knowing Remus isn't going to push him or try to hurt him, Virgil slowly stops leaning away from him. They sit in quiet under the cover of darkness, Virgil returning to looking at the stars and the moon and the clouds attempting to cover them.

“You can stay the night,” He offers quietly.

That’s when he hears the gasping inhale next to him.

Virgil looks to the side and sees the shake in Remus’s shoulders, the tremble in his entire body.

Why do you put up with him? Virgil hears Patton ask in his head and Virgil thinks this is why. Because he knows all of Remus’s actions are products of his home life and the way his dad controls him. Because he sees the guilt cross Remus’s face when he pushes Virgil a little too hard. Because Remus lets out a barely audible  ‘I'm sorry’ and Virgil’s heart breaks.

He throws his arms around Remus and is somehow relieved when Remus uncurls to latch onto him in return. He shoves his face into Virgil’s jacket and muffles his cries in the fabric, holding onto Virgil like it’s the last thing holding him to the earth itself. Virgil clings back just as hard trying to convey some sort of stability. He’s not sure how long they stay like that, but at least until Remus sobbing has stopped and died out to small hiccups. Virgil refuses to be the first to pull away.

Eventually Remus does and Virgil stands, ignoring the wet spots on his shoulder to give Remus his hand to pull him up. Remus takes it and when he’s standing and following Virgil into the house he doesn’t let go. Virgil isn’t going to tell him to.

He leads Remus up the stairs to his room, turning on a small light in the corner, and leaving Remus in the doorway to go close his blinds decidedly, not wanting to take the chance of Remus’s dad looking in. He finds a oversized shirt and hands it to Remus wordlessly, looking away when Remus just rips off his old shirt without a care. He shrugs off his hoodie with a gross expression at the snot on the sleeves and puts in the laundry basket when Remus speaks.

“I’m sorry,” He mutters. Virgil carefully looks at him, noticing the slump of his body and the way Remus hangs his head.

“It’s okay I can wash it,” Virgil says and Remus shakes his head.

“No I’m.. I’m sorry.” Remus repeats and finally looks up. His eyes are rimmed red from crying. Virgil twists his hands together now getting the point of the apology.

“It’s okay. I mean. Mostly. I get it.” He stutters and Remus shakes his head at him and drops it again. There’s silence then, awkard and tense. Virgil can feel the tension crawling across his skin.

“Is it wrong to like you?” Remus asks bluntly and the tension rises.

“What?” Virgil chokes out. Remus grits his teeth and runs a hand hazardously through his hair.

“Dad just. Always said it was weird or bad and I didn’t. It didn’t feel bad or weird and- and he hit me once and-” Remus lets out a strangled noise as Virgil’s eyes widen. “And I did. I do. Like you and it's. I don't. Is it bad?” Remus snaps his eyes up to stare at Virgil, fresh tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. Virgil can't very well breathe.

“I miss you.” Remus says softly and it’s like a dam breaks as he gasps and begins to cry again.

“I miss you so much. Fuck, you were my, are, my best friend and fuck I miss you. I miss you. I-” Remus drops to his knees, hands clawing at his face as he starts to sob again. Virgil doesn't waste anytime sliding to his knees and holding Remus close to him again, and once more Remus clings to him.

“I miss you so much. Fuck I’m so sorry.” Remus garbles out between his gasps. Virgil gently shushes him, forgivness already given in spades in his mind. He knew, knows, about why. He knows a part of him would have always forgiven Remus for this.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, I got you,” Virgil whipsers to him and Remus presses farther into the comfort of his arms. Much sooner than before Remus stops crying, tilting his head to just rest on Virgil’s shoulder as Virgil runs his fingers through Remus’s hair soothingly.

“He said, he said he’d get your mom fired if didn’t stop being friends with you. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what else to do,” Remus admits lowly. Virgil’s blood boils for a moment. Ever since he was little people looked down on his mom for being a single parent not knowing she was taking him away from a household too similar to her own childhood, a place she did not want Virgil growing up in.

“And I didn’t want you to have to leave because your mom couldn't work and I wanted you to stay here so I just. I got so mean to you, and then Roman started to want to wear skirts and dad got meaner and I couldnt-” Remus gasps hard. “I didn't know what to do.”

Virgil holds him, holds him for all the missed out hugs they could have had, all the hours they could have spent together. They sit like that until Virgil’s leg gets stiff and he has to move. They sit criss cross on Virgil’s floor face to face with their knees pressed together. A million thoughts burn through Virgil’s head and a million questions he doesn’t know where to start to ask.

“Remus I-” and Remus kisses him hard enough Virgil almost falls over. His eyes widen and Remus pulls away with a 'pop' that would be comical if Remus didn't immediately look panicked and shove Virgil away from him and spin around to not face him.

“Shit,” Remus curses mostly to himself and smacks his head to his hand, resting his arm on his knee and looking defeated. Virgil blinks dumbly at him as a burst of anxious anticipation bubbles up inside him. He remembers this feeling from when a younger Remus used to kiss his cheek and promise to be his. 

“Remus-”

“Don’t," Remus snaps but doesn't raise his head from it's dropped position. 

“I can handle rejection but please. I can't handle it if you hate me. Hate me more," Remus lets out a bitter sounding scoff and Virgil scrunches up his nose.

“I don't hate you.” He breathes out and if Remus hears him he doesn’t react. He does react, his whole body tensing, when Virgil carefully slides closer to him and reaches out. His fingertips brush Remus’s cheek and Remus flinches back at the touch, finally looking at him, causing Virgil to wince. Still he continues and gently places his hand on Remus’s cheek. Remus leans into the touch, nearly crying again, and it shows Virgil how little Remus has ever received such gentle touches. He wants to give him so much more.

Slowly Virgil leans foward and kisses him far more softly than Remus did. He breathes slowly into the kiss and pulls back soundlessly and the sigh Remus lets out is the most relieved thing Virgil has ever heard. He keeps his hand on Remus’s face and swallows hard, Remus zeros in on the motion and stares at his neck.

“We uh, we have a lot to talk about,” Virgil manages to say. Remus nods minutly.

“Yeah,” He agrees but his eyes haven't left Virgil's neck, or his lips, and to be fair, Virgil is looking back at his in return.

“Can we-”

“Yeah, did you want-”

“Yeah.” This time they meet each other half way. Virgil leans forward a bit more to brace the hand not on Remus’s face on the floor while Remus brings a hand up to tangle in Virgil’s hair and tug at the strands. Some of the emotions Virgil never really knew how to place when thinking about Remus have an outlet and he feels settled knowing where it all belongs.

They kiss until their postions get too uncomfortable which is much sooner than either of them would like. This time it’s Remus who helps Virgil off the ground. Virgil makes sure the curtains are decidedly closed just to be sure and Remus flicks off the small lamp in the corner.

Remus takes his hands and he’s being pulled into another kiss. They curl their fingers together as they continue to test the waters of this new aspect ebtween them.

“We still need to talk about this,” Virgil says in a daze. Remus nods dumbly.

“Yeah of course,” He says and kisses Virgil again. Virgil finds himself smiling into the kiss at the antics. Eventually he does pull back and snorts a laugh when Remus whines.

He crawls into bed and holds the covers up for Remus to crawl in after him. They shift to get comfy, Remus circling both his arms around Virgil's torso and smushing his face into Virgil's chest, while Virgil’s arms go over Remus’s shoulders to hold him close.

They don't talk that night about their relationship or whatever they want to be. Just cuddle each other close and remember what it's like to be with the other. Remus cracks silly jokes and lights up when Virgil laughs, and when Remus yawns and rests on his chest, comfortable and okay, for Virgil, it feels just like a fairytale.

[fuck-customers]

I used to work as an at-home assistant for a retirement community system so I was always getting sent to new homes and had to learn what the clients needs were and what their routines were.

I worked night shift, got there at 11pm to either 7 or 8am. Had been working almost every night for half a year at this one house with a lady who was low maintenance, just had some dementia and needed someone around to make sure she didnt wander off in the night. She couldnt remember my name but she knew my face. At 7am a guy would come to take the next shift and get her ready for the day. That had been the routine.

Except at some point it changed and management didnt bother to tell me. The guy who would come and do the next shift stopped showing up and instead it was her son who would come in the morning. Mind you he was very nice and it absolutely wasnt his fault what happened. But apparently something had changed, I still dont know what, where they added to my responsibilities that I was to help her get ready in the morning.

No one told me.

I was always chatting with her son and the whole time he was thinking I was just ignoring my job. I was so fucking embarrassed when I got a phone call from management a week later saying I wasnt doing my job and that the son asked for me to not be sent there anymore. I got a reprimand. I complained that no one had told me and they denied it. I immediately said I was giving my two weeks notice. My brother worked there later in one of their higher maintenance care homes and apparently ALL of their management is disorganized like that.

[96thdayofrage]

A veteran Minneapolis police lieutenant testified Friday that it was "totally unnecessary" for Derek Chauvin to put his knee on a handcuffed George Floyd's neck during his arrest last spring.

"First of all," Lt. Richard Zimmerman said during Chauvin's murder trial in Hennepin County District Court, "pulling him down to the ground facedown and putting your knee on a neck for that amount of time is just uncalled for."

The head of the Police Department's homicide unit added, "I saw no reason why the officers felt they were in danger if that's what they felt, and that's what they would have to have felt to have to use that kind of force."

In your opinion, should that restraint have stopped once he was handcuffed and prone on the ground?

"Absolutely."

Zimmerman said department policy requires that prone suspects who are handcuffed — as was Floyd on the night of his death — must be taken off their chest as soon as possible.

The lieutenant went through the Police Department's use of force policy and brought up several provisions that run counter to what the prosecution is contending Chauvin and other officers did wrong on May 25, when Floyd was kept-face down and cuffed behind his back for more than nine minutes as he became unresponsive and died later that night.

Prosecutor Matthew Frank asked Zimmerman whether he was ever trained to put a knee on the neck of someone in handcuffs.

"No, I haven't," he said.

Zimmerman said such a tactic would fall under the most extreme level of force by an officer, that being "deadly force."

"If your knee is on someone's neck, that could kill them," he said.

Frank then asked how much a threat a suspect would be once handcuffed.

"The threat level goes down all the way," the lieutenant said. "They are cuffed; how can they hurt you? ... You getting injured is way down," apart from possibly getting kicked, he continued.

Once the cuffs are on a suspect, "that person is yours," said Zimmerman, who joined the department 36 years ago. "He is your responsibility. His safety is your responsibility. His well-being is your responsibility."

Under cross examination, defense attorney Eric Nelson noted that Zimmerman has not worked as a patrol officer for several years and does not teach defensive tactics. He also noted that police officers sometimes need to "improvise" to protect themselves regardless of training.

"You would agree, however, in a fight for your life, you as an officer are allowed to use whatever force is reasonable and necessary, correct?"

Zimmerman agreed.

"Minneapolis Police Department policy allows an officer to use 'whatever means available' to protect yourself, correct?" Nelson asked.

Zimmerman agreed.

The lieutenant under questioning acknowledged that handcuffed suspects can still pose a danger.

"That person can continue to thrash his body around, correct, and part of the reason police officers restrain people is for their own safety, correct?" Nelson asked.

"Correct," Zimmerman said.

The prosecution rose again and sought to undermine several of the defense's points raised while questioning Zimmerman.

Most notably, Frank asked the lieutenant whether he found the circumstances of Floyd's arrest called for Chauvin "to improvise by putting his knee on Mr. Floyd for 9 minutes and 29 seconds?" To which Zimmerman replied, "No, I did not."

Zimmerman also said his review of police body camera video revealed no kicking by Floyd once he was subdued on the pavement.

Judge Peter Cahill adjourned proceeding for the day shortly after 11:30 a.m. once Zimmerman was done testifying and said court would reconvene Monday morning.

The first witness called Friday was Jon Edwards, a Minneapolis police sergeant, who has been on the force since 2007.

Edwards said he was just beginning his shift on the night of May 25, when he was alerted by the previous shift's supervisory sergeant that Floyd "may or may not live." Edwards added that he was directed to the intersection where Floyd was arrested "just in case we had to secure that area and make contact with any of the officers" still there.

Edwards said he got to E. 38th Street and S. Chicago Avenue about 9:30 p.m., met with officers J. Alexander Kueng and Thomas Lane, who ordered them to turn on their body-worn cameras. The officers then explained where they interacted with Floyd. Edwards said he directed them to up crime scene tape to "preserve any potential evidence that was there."

He ordered them out of their squad and began canvassing witnesses. He encountered Charles McMillian, one of the first witnesses to Floyd's detainment and death who testified earlier this week. At the time, McMillian refused to give Edwards his name or provide information.

"I told him he would be very valuable if he would provide us with information," Edwards said. "He told me he refused to say anything and wondered if he was under arrest; and I told him no, and he told me he wanted to leave."

Edwards explained that state Bureau of Criminal Apprehension personnel arrived and took over control of the crime scene as Kueng and Lane were escorted to City Hall for a debriefing. The officers' squad and Floyd's SUV were towed away by the BCA as evidence in what was classified as a "critical incident."

Law enforcement control of the crime scene was lifted shortly before 4 a.m., Edwards said.

The sergeant's testimony helped lay a foundation for the testimony of Zimmerman, who worked in the homicide unit at that time and joined Edwards and the other officers the scene of Floyd's arrest.

Zimmerman testified that he was at home when he learned of the incident and his presence at the intersection was needed.

The lieutenant arrived and asked, "What's going on?" to law enforcement on the scene, according to officer bodycam footage shown in court.

Zimmerman located Kueng and Lane, then "determined they were involved officers" connected to Floyd's arrest, he said.

"We needed some more people out here," Zimmerman testified telling Edwards, as well as "we need to get these two guys downtown" for their debriefing.

Chauvin is charged with second-degree murder, third-degree murder and manslaughter. The other officers on the scene, Lane, Kueng and Tou Thao, are expected to go on trial in August on charges of aiding and abetting Chauvin.

On Thursday, jurors heard from a supervisory sergeant that Chauvin downplayed his actions, at first not disclosing that he used his knee to restrain Floyd, and later that night after Floyd was taken to HCMC making that disclosure to his boss but failing to say for how long.

Recently retired supervisory Sgt. David Pleoger spoke to Chauvin on a cellphone that night after receiving a call from a 911 dispatcher about a possible use of force by officers seen on city surveillance cameras.

Pleoger's body-worn camera captured his initial phone conversation with Chauvin, who said, "Had to hold the guy down, he was going crazy … wouldn't go in the back of the squad."

Pleoger testified during livestreamed proceedings being viewed around the world that Chauvin didn't say anything about putting his knee on Floyd's neck. Prosecutor Steve Schleicher then pressed Pleoger on whether Chauvin's force was appropriate.

"When Mr. Floyd was no longer offering up any resistance to the officers, they could have ended their restraint," Pleoger said as he offered the first account of Chauvin's words and behavior in the immediate aftermath of Floyd's death.

He testified that Chauvin told him that Floyd "became combative … after struggling with him. He suffered a medical emergency, and an ambulance was called."

Also testifying were the two paramedics and a fire captain who responded to the scene that night. Derek Smith, a paramedic, checked Floyd's carotid pulse and pupils as he lay motionless under Chauvin's knee.

"I looked to my partner. I told him, 'I think he's dead, and I want to move this out of here and begin care in the back [of the ambulance],' " said Smith, noting the agitated crowd of bystanders. "In a living person, there should be a pulse there. I did not feel one. I suspected this patient to be dead."

Smith told the court that despite never sensing a pulse, they continued trying to save Floyd. "He's a human being," Smith said. "I was trying to give him a second chance at life."

Fire Capt. Jeremy Norton testified about meeting up with the ambulance at E. 36th Street and S. Park Avenue, where he saw Floyd being treated by the paramedics and Officer Thomas Lane.

"He was an unresponsive body on a cot," Norton said of Floyd.

After Floyd was brought to the hospital, Norton told his department supervisors what happened. "I was worried that a man had been killed in police custody," Norton said.

The day's testimony started with 45-year-old Courteney Ross recalling her relationship with the strong, physically active man she called "Floyd."

Ross talked about their mutual oxycodone addiction that started with prescriptions for chronic pain and led to purchasing street drugs. She said they were off and on the drugs and by May she believed Floyd was using them again.

The defense is trying to raise the possibility that Floyd died of a drug overdose from pills obtained by Morries Hall, who was with Floyd at Cup Foods the day he died.

[wondermentishere]

I told myself to make time for this. Ive been living in Dallas for 4, beginning 5 days now. Stimmy just hit and I immediately put money aside for my rent, bills, and debt owed to my mom and grandma. I left $300 for me and it feels good to atleast have that in the bank I got to be honest. Being broke really does reduce the quality of life. Not because it reduces the quality of life, but because here in this country... in this world if you dont have money you have paranoia. You lack ease. It adds a very long list to fears that already exist surrounding security and necessities. It more than sucks. Ive been dealing with this consistently for 4 years straight lol. Well before Id say it was a problem for my family, but my mom always handled that and I can honestly say I never worried. Things may have been inconvenient, but I was never without. Shout out to Kimberly for that!!!!!!!! Shit its hard just taking care of me I cant imagine being responsible for 3 other humans and a needy ass dog lol. Shes the goat. So is my grandma. So is Aunt Noonie. Anyone really who has helped my mom. Honestly, anybody who has been and still is in her position. I respect moms and single fathers alot. Everyday is Mothers/Single Parent Day. Alot gets blurred out when abuse and frustration is often present in homes though. But thats a different topic. A good one too.

Anyway, yes Ive been having a good time. When I first touched down I couldnt believe it. Being reminded of the infrastructure here, how flat the land lays, and how simple the culture is puts me at ease. Im up for thrill and wonderment, but the simplicity of my home offers plenty of benefits. Especially the place Im at now; I need this retreat. My friends love me but are annoying lol. My family is refreshing but distant. Im constantly relearning and remembering. People I work with are definitely way nicer, likable, and inviting than the ones in Atlanta. I made real life friends, two virgos, that invited me into conversation. They waited for me so we can walk everywhere together (did not expect that at allll). Took my number and was down to start a group chat haha. They even waited with me until my uber pulled up!!!!!!! I haven’t experienced a closeness with strangers like this.... ever. It was very nice. Their names are Jocelyn, Breelynn, and mine is Ashlin. We figured that out at the end of our shift and were all very amused by it. The work was very easy. Didnt wear me out at all. I was definitely overdressed expecting to be in freezing climates which made me experience discomfort at some points. The building was a tad bit dirtier and older than what Im use to but it was okay. The kitchen we were in was built just like the UNT bakery which I thought was interesting. There were alot of older Asian women that were kinda entitled and looking at me crazy when I went to the bathroom. Im use to being uncomfortable out in public, but the angle the discomfort was coming from is new. I dont like it and have NOT missed it, but Ive been managing it my whole life. Whatever. They aint gon do shit. Started feeling empty the day before and decided to ride mom’s bike. I didnt feel “whole” again, but it definitely helped my mood. I feel like im prepared to have conversations now. I anticipate someone talking to me because I actually want it to happen now. Ive been isolated and lonely for so long and I dont want the reality of it any longer. Ive been on Tinder and HER starting to hit people up. Before, I couldn’t fathom why people have the urge to (in my mind constantly) reach out. Now I can say I definitely understand a bit better now. I just want to talk cause I see now the specific benefits of having different people to chill with. Its something Ive wanted for years, but I think Ebony has definitely opened my eyes to how to get it. And who to get it from as well. I dont think shes a unicorn for this, I think everyone has been living like this lol. Just not me. And she was a front row seat on how to live differently and satisfy needs that present themselves. (most of the time she was impulsively & irresponsibly dodging her problems but thats also another discussion) Ive definitely dropped and have forgotten how many connections I have made. Ive always felt so alone though because none of them were the closeness that I craved. Im paying attention to my reality now and can see how I could end up in a space of loneliness. This is why Im on dating apps 😂 my friends and family are great, but I need a certain intimacy they cant provide. I do not want a committed relationship though. At all. Anytime soon.

[keydawolf]

Calming the Flames

Chapter 3

Matchoff

Boscha growls through the halls, she had woken up in a bad mood and everyone knew it from her posture, her clenched fists, the way she bared her teety at anyone walking by and the way she walked heavily on each foot, givimg very audible warning that she was approaching. One student however, didnt seem to get the schoolwide memo to leave her alone. Indigo seemed to run into Boscha after almost all their classes and happily waved and tried to speak to her, no matter how many times Boscha growled and told them to "Buzz off" Much to the dimay of anyone who liked Indigo, they kept at it, Luz, Willow, Gus and even Amity had told them they would end up hurt if they kept approaching the fuming witch, yet Indigo just shrugged with a smile. Once lunchtime came around, Indigo noticed Boscha heading for the gymnasium once again, this time they decide to not disturb her, lest she damage the door most, they do howver wait outside the gym. When Boschs did eventually come out, their mood was a little lighter, but upon seeing Indigo sitting there, obviously waiting for them, that mood changed back to anger. "Alright Weirdo, I've had enough of you following me around!" Boscha yells but the reaction she got was not what she'd expect. Rather than suprise, fear or anger, the weirdo simply smiles and stands up then has the audaxity to ask "Why? You seemed lonely to me" "Lonely? As if! I can't stand all you goody goody idiots, even if I was lonely, which I wasnt! Why the heck would I want to hang out with YOU instead?" "Cuz you are lonely, even if you wont admit it, I KNOW you don't hate seeing me around" Boscha felt her thrid eye twitch in irritation, then, an idea comes to mind and a smirk forms on her face. "Alright then, how about this, after school, one v one grudgby match, if I win, you have to leave me alone from now on" Indigo's eara twitch upwards in interest "And if I win?" Boscha snorts "If you win? You can bug me wherever the heck you like! I wont even get mad!" Boscha says, the weirdo may be good at dodging, but there was no way they could beat Boscha at scoring. "Sounds good to me" Indigo says and sticks out a hand to shake on the deal. Boscha looks at the hand in disdain but shakes it anyways, it wasnt a deal if they didnt shake on it after all. "You better not flake out on me" Boscha snarls and walks away. "Wouldnt dream of it" ----‐------------------------------- "You did WHAT?!" Amity almost yells as Indigo sits back down at the table with her news. Willow, Gus and Lux just stared, Before they all started talking at once, which made following all their words difficult. "...make an oath?" "....Can't possinly expect to..." "......Gonna really hurt you...." "....need to think before you...." Indigo's ears twitch downwards ans they frown at the others, which makes them all stop, Indigo wasnt one to frown often, so when they did it caught everyones attention. "I'm doing this" they state and even use their full worded voice to make it clear to everyone before them. The others don't argue, staring at them. "Why are you putting so much effort into Boscha?" Willow asks suddenly, gaining Indigo's attention "All she has ever done is hurt others, mentally and physically, heck she's clearly not opening up to you, why put yourself through all this just for her?" Indigo is silent for a long minute "Because she's stuck in the dark, she doesnt know what the light feels like yet, but she never will if no ones willing to show it to her" Indigo says and to Willow and Gus it just seemed like a metaphore, but Luz and Amity knew exactly what Indigo was reffering to and their eyes met for a moment, a look of slight understanding passed between them. Amity sighs and looks at Indigo. "Boscha is very prideful in her abilities for grudgby, she doesnt take defeat well at all, she WILL try to hurt you if she thinks she will lose to you" Indigo nods "I'll keep that in mind" Willow pipes up as well "Also make sure she doesn't pull the rusty smidge ploy again, make sure it isnt on the field" "Got it"

The line of concersarion continued until the end of lunch, apparently others had heard about this 1v1 match and were planning to come watch and see who won, though apart from a few grudgby fanatics, it was pretty much just Skara and the other grudgby teammates, Luz, Amity, Willow and Gus. Indigo stood on the grudgby field, staring across at Boscha, Indigo had chosen a nice blue uniform, Luz and Amity had done their face paint, red and blue lines down their cheecks from their eyes. Boscha had gone for the normal Banshee design. "You know the rules weirdo?" Boscha asks with a smirk. "Yup, is the rusty smidge on the field?" "Nah, if i'm gonna beat you, I wanna make it a good one" Boscha says with a smirk. Indigo smirks back as they wait for the ball to fly. Luz, Amity, Willow and Gus are cheering for Indigo on the sidelines, as the ball is sent into the air, Indigo had the height advantage and was able to grab the ball first, keeping it however, was harder than it looked. Boscha knew how capable Indigo was at dodging and didnt have any qualms charging full tilt at them for the ball, Indigo had to dodge a lot of attempts, trying for a goal too early just to get Boscha to stop, it misses and bounces off the goalpost, right into Boscha's waiting arms, she tears off to the other side, getting halted by an earth spike trap, which lead to a tackle from Indigo. Bischa had to commend the weirdo for their form on the tackle, but she refused to allow them the ball that easy, struggling out of their arms with a lot of effort and kicking the ball before they reach her again, scoring first. Indigo stands, wiping the dirt off their face, catching their breath. "Nice one" they compliment as Boscha gets back into place. "Hmm, your tackle wasnt too bad at all, but your aim is terrible" "Heh, we'll see" Indigo replies as their hand circles behind their back, unseen by Boscha, a clone of Indigo appeared behind her and as the ball shot up, the clone tackles Boscha before she can jump so Indigo can hop over them with the ball and head for the goal. "Agh, forgot you did Illusions too" Boscha grumbles and elbows the clone hard, it poofs away and she gets to her feet in time to see Indigo toss the ball through the goal with ease. Indigo's group cheers loudly, Gus waves his flags with vigor. Indigo jogs past Boscha to her place, grunning from ear to ear. "Pfft, you look like you just won the whole game, it eas only ONE goal" Boscha says condesendingly but Indigo doesnt falter at her snide comment, simply grinning as they waited for the next ball. "Man, psyching them out is NOT working" Boscha thinks to herself in annoyance. A few more goals on each side and it was all tied up, 5 points to each of them. Boscha glares up at the clock, only time for one more play, someone HAD to get this one. The ball flies and both girls jump, but rather than grab it, Boscha bats it right into Indigo's chest, Indigo couldnt dodge in the air, the shift in intent was too fast for them to even register, they hit the ground with a cough, clutching the ball. Boscha lands and folds her arms, waiting for Indigo to call it quits. "Hey! That cant be legal!" Luz yells. "It's a completely legal and well known play in grudgby" Skara answers from the next aisle "Besides, Boscha gave up control of the ball, if Indigo can get back to their feet, they keep it unless they miss" Amelia adds in. "They're right Luz, its a common play, but most grudgby players know not to leave their middle wide open" Amity adds with a look at the two, who nod in response. "Yeah... its usually for well prscticed captains that the other team want to slow down, but Boscha is risking a lot giving up full control of the ball like that, if Indigo can score, they win, if they cant, its a tie, so the only winner here is Indigo in the end" Amelia replies. Amity thinks it over "Yeah... that... isnt like her, what is Boscha trying to prove?"

Boscha waits as Indigo struggles to their feet, making their way slowly towards the goalpost, she hadnt skimped on that impact, they were quite resiliant, though the hit had very obviously hurt, they were still doing what they could to get the ball close enough to score.

waiting for Indigo to call it

"Hey! That cant be legal!" Luz

"It's a completely legal and well known play in grudgby" Skara answers from the next

"Besides, Boscha gave up control of the ball, if Indigo can get back to their feet, they keep it unless they miss" Amelia adds

"They're right Luz, its a common play, but most grudgby players know not to leave their middle wide open" Amity adds with a look at the two, who nod in

"Yeah... its usually for well prscticed captains that the other team want to slow down, but Boscha is risking a lot giving up full control of the ball like that, if Indigo can score, they win, if they cant, its a tie, so the only winner here is Indigo in the end" Amelia Boscha waits as Indigo struggles to their feet, making their way slowly towards the goalpost, she hadnt skimped on that impact, they were quite resiliant, though the hit had very obviously hurt, they were still doing what they could to get the ball close enough to score.

Indigo got to the goalpost and looked up at it, they had 20 seconds left, in one last ditch effort, they tossed the ball as high as they could, but it wasnt high enough, bouncing off the very bottom of the post and falling back.

One very small vine errupts from the ground, catching the ball and tossing it through the post, just before the timer ticked to zero.

Everyone looked surprised, naturally everyone also looked at Willow, who immediately raised her hands up,.

"Willow didn't cast that, I checked when I saw it" Skara confirms immediately when Bosxha looks their way.

Boscha shrugs and nods "Must have been the court itself then, guess it liked their determination" she says and walks away, no fuss, no screaming or flaming grudgby balls flying everywhere.

Everyone watches in astonishmemt as the three eyed witch leaves in complete calm.

Indigo had fallen back to a sitting position with a grin on their face.

"Thah was.... so much fuuun!" They yell loudly as they try to get on their feet.

Luz was the first over to help them up "You did great!"

Amity walks over soon aftwr with Willow and Gus in tow "I have to admit, if I was still captain I'd definately ask you to join the team, those were some smart plays"

"You did iiiiit!" Gus yells as he runs in circles around Indigo and Luz and waves his little flags eagerly.

"That was weird at the end though right? The court normally stops goals, it doesnt usually score them" Willow says quietly.

"Heh, this one tends to have a mind of its own, I hate to say it but Boscha must be right, it didn't send one obstacle to stop Indigo getting to the goalpost" Amoty observes.

"So wait... what was it you got if you won?" Luz asks curiously.

"Boscha can' geh mad if ah hang around 'er now" Indigo replies matter of fsctly.

"Wait... thats all you wanted?" Willow asks with a raised brow.

"Yeh" Indigo says with a grin."Eh was de opposi'eh oh whah she wan'ed" they explain

"Oh, I kinda doubt she'll keep to that, she was way too calm when she left, normally when Boscha loses... everyone loses... and I dont mean the game" Amity says.

Boscha sighs as she heads to change, noticing her potted plant had poked out of her bag for some sun, it had three little buds growing upwarss now.

"Hmph, is that some cheesy reference to my eyes? Titan damn it Amelia, if this flower matches my hair too I swear" she says and rolls her eyes, zipping her bag up so no one would see the plant.

[smolberry-milk]

You guys...

I'm at a loss for words and I desperately need advice. I work at a company, (well worked) called White House Black Market. I was a sales lead and I loved every minute of that job. The people, the employees. That place became my second home and my family. (Not even just the generic way people say that, I come from a really dysfunctional home and I latched onto them like family because they treated me nicely.)

I was only part-time and needed full-time hours to move out, so I figured- I love the job, I love this store and what I do.. let me shoot for assistant store manager, which was one position above me. These past few months I've worked so hard. I worked hard to prove to my boss I could do it and that she could trust me. Yeah, I had a few setbacks, the pressure and stress of making and doing everything 100% perfect was alot, but I managed to get a 30 day trial period.

I believe that I worked myself to above and beyond the roles I needed for the position, as did everyone else. However, my boss didn't notice any of my accomplishments while they were so great. She noticed the small things I missed, or the things that could use a one time correction or guidance like setting up floorset. So, despite everyone else in the company believing in me, the one person I needed did not believe in me. Therefore, I did not get it.

I began looking for something full-time, as Chico's FAS as a company does not allow full-time for individuals not in the assistant manager position at least. (whbm is part of Chico's, as is Soma.) I had no intentions of leaving this job. I couldn't. I loved it too much.

On June 20th, I got a call from another store offering me full-time hours and great package to come on board. It was at a bridal store. I accepted the offer and immediately called my boss. I was off that day and would be in tomorrow with her. I told her I had something to talk about with her tomorrow that is important, knowing that it's Saturday and one of out busiest days would she rather talk before my shift starts or before she leaves for the day. She said she would rather hear it now rather than go into the back room on a Saturday. I hesitated, but told her regardless.

She asked me if I wanted to drop down to a sales associate, as I was in the sales lead position. I could only give her two days availability, which others have done before, and I told her I wouldn't mind being a sales associate. I said "I just know I don't want to leave, because I love it here and I love who I work with." I remember it very clearly.

Our other two sales leads would be on vacation the day I started the new job, so of course the timing was terrible. But I couldn't control that. That's just how the stars aligned...

The next day, she would not talk to me. We had a big promo setup coming up and all three sales leads were on that day. She talked to them about the promo change, but not me. She did not go outside with me for a smoke like we always did. (Saturday we actually we're extremely quiet.) She said a couple passing words, throughout the day but that was it. It crushed me. I looked up to her not only as a boss, but a role model, a motherly figure, a friend, a mentor. Because of my attachment and abandonment issues, I latched onto her the hardest, because she gave that tough love like a mother, but also gave me advice on life. I fell in love with the people there and assigned them titles in my heart as "sister", "mother", "aunt", "cousin".. and felt comforted by that. Unfortunately my boss became mother, so being rejected by her like that crushed me.

It crushed me so much so that I flipped from idolizing her, to hating her— as most borderlines do. She abandoned me and rejected me, I hated her guts. I couldnt stand to look at her. She was going to replace me. I didn't want to be there that following Monday. I was in a mindset of "fuck this, fuck you, fuck being here." This sanctuary I had was completely destroyed.

Yesterday, (Tuesda, June 25th) I came into my shift at 4pm. I clocked in and read mail on the company computer, like usual. I came out to the floor and asked to be paced in with what was going on for the day. My boss pulled the calendar and said to me "let's go finish up our conversation from the other day." Since she was pulling the calendar, I didn't think anything negative. I figured we were going to discuss what day's I could give her. I perked up a little bit.

We get into the backroom and sit down and she tells me she needs me to write out my notice to her just so she has it in writing. I knew this was standard, but figured because I was dropping in position and not leaving the company, I didn't need to write a two weeks. I asked her what to write. I've never had to drop down in position before, so I was unsure. She told me all I had to do was write that I was giving my notice and sign it. I asked her, AGAIN, because I didn't know BECAUSE IVE NEVER DONE THIS... Should I write that I'm dropping down to a sales associate and she said "no, you just write that you gave two weeks like we spoke on the phone." I say to her as I'm writing that my start date for the new job got moved to July 6th (one day later) so I had still had that Friday I could give her, making my availability two weeks and and extra day or two. She said my last day would be Friday July 5th.

I signed the paper and handed it to her and as soon as she took it she told me that today was my last day and I could go home.

I looked at her confused, my heart in my chest. Asking her what? What do you mean? Tears already welling in my eyes and my hands shaking. She said she thought I should focus on my full time job and that they were competitors. I said that I hadn't even started yet so time to focus on what? And competitors? I sell wedding dresses..? She quickly snapped back at me saying that I would also be selling shoes and accessories, like WHBM sells. I asked her why it was okay for me to work at another clothing store during the holidays and nothing was ever said then? She had no response. I asked her if I did something wrong. She said, no not at all I just think this is the best thing for you. I gave her my keys, crying and shaking, holding back anxiety because now at this point, I had alot to say but couldn't because of how hard I was holding back a full blown panic attack. I emptied my drawer and left out the back door. I kept my composure until I pulled away from the store and then broke down, screaming, crying, wailing. She knew how much I loved it here and knew I was going to drop down.

I spoke to the DSM (her boss) yesterday, after a chain of phone calls to all of the girls who had become my family. Most of them are older than me by 20 years and it was hard because I knew the age difference was so great that keeping in touch wasn't going to be likely. The DSM had no idea this happened, despite her and my boss talking about things regarding me a few days ago. She didn't know my boss was letting me go. She knew we would be needing someone to help fill in since I would be a sales associate starting July 5th and her other two sales leads would be on vacation.

Is this wrongful termination? Was this decision made out of anger because of me getting a new job? If offered to finish out the two weeks (since I had only worked 4 days out of the 14 before getting shooed out the door.) Should I decline? I'm afraid to go back into the store because of my boss. I realistically could finish it out in another store, but what if it follows me. My boss is constantly in touch with the surrounding stores. I'm scared. My next pay date would have been my last day as a sales lead. But now I'm out of two weeks of pay. I should have opened the store this morning, but here I am.

I'm shattered.

[pacman-tattoo]

connect [rich g. x fem!reader x jake d.]

( Can you do a Poly Rich x Fem Reader x Jake fic? Preferably where the reader is a big geek and likes to cosplay. (Probably met when reader was doing the costumes for the play)  )

ok but i love this

ok this also went from ‘big geek who likes to cosplay’ to ‘geek, likes to cosplay, does costumes for drama dept. and knows shit about theatre’ because i couldnt resist tbh

this is 10,000 words. brb gonna go die

pls dont expect this from me since this was just something that i got rly rly into writing and got rly carried away

warnings: uhhh none that i can think of other than general language but let me know if im forgetting stuff

        Alright. You could do this. All you had to do was come up with costumes, take measurements, make everything by yourself, and have everything ready in time for dress rehearsal to begin - along with keeping up with schoolwork, going to Hobby Lobby (which, thank fuck you were getting a huge discount for, because otherwise you’d basically be destroying your own shit in order to make anything) to get everything you needed,  and basically do everything your average person needs to survive. So basically, you were ready to die a bit more inside and start multitasking - and lose sleep, but that was normal. What wasn’t normal was the show you were doing costumes for. When Mr.Reyes mentioned doing Midsummer, you imagined you’d be spending your nights sewing costumes for fairies - not... zombies. But you forced a grin and told him you’d do your best, and clutched your sketchbook to your chest, the paper with the cast list and roles jammed in, and the script for the play sandwiched between binders in your bag.

        This was fine. You’d go and watch one of their rehearsals to get an idea of how long everyone would have between costume changes, and Mr.Reyes would be speaking his vision to you as you would hastily scribble notes down, basically becoming a bobble-head as you tried to take into account everything. You’d start doing homework during classes, read online for whatever book and bullshit your way through any quizzes. Maybe you could copy some (or almost all) answers off of Christine if she’d let you. Then eventually you’d start spending your last class taking a nap with Christine in the drama room while the rest of the class did whatever - or working on whatever schoolwork you could if you weren’t tired.

        The things you did for costume design.

        Christine was the first person you measured. She’d been through this numerous times before, telling you her height and weight happily and smiling at you. Her smile fell at one point as you were measuring her chest.

       “You might want to be careful, [y/n],” she said softly, “I mean, I don’t mean to be rude but...” She glanced over to where the rest of the cast sat, chatting among themselves. “I don’t think they know how this works?”

       “You don’t sound rude!” You chirped, “they’re new to drama, right?”

        She nodded. “I don’t mean to sound mean or anything - I just thought I should warn you that someone might take offense to you asking their weight? Sorry, I know that sounds kinda weird-”

       “Nah, it’s cool, Christine,” you shrugged, “I’ll explain that this is just for me to know and that this won’t be shared with anyone else. Thanks for the heads-up, though.”

        Christine only smiled. After her, you had Jake Dillinger next on your list. He gave you the information you needed without question, and you took to measuring. After the awkward silence began to creep in between you, he finally spoke.

       “Do you do this a lot?”

        You hummed as you looked up. “Measuring people?”

       “Yeah!” He smiled, “like... costume stuff.”

        You nodded. “It’s kind of my passion.”

        Jake smiled at you. God, you knew how many people would kill to have Jake Dillinger even look their way - and here you were, tape measure around his waist without a second thought to it while you were fairly sure you had at least one pair of eyes on you. It didn’t click until half-way through measuring his inseam that some of these people probably have never seen anyone taking anyone’s measurements. 

        Well, this was going to be fun.

        Next was Rich Goranski. He raised a brow when you asked for his height and weight, but the moment you were about to launch into your ‘I need to know this because it’s legit important for costuming-” speech, he shrugged and told you. 

       “You do realize how this looks, right?” He said, slightly smirking while you slightly slapped at his leg. “What?”

       “Move your leg.”

       “What?” He repeated, before moving his foot slightly, “oh.”

       “How does this look, Rich?” You said, looking back up at him.

       “You don’t know?”

       “Enlighten me.”

        After a pause, he only frowned. “Never mind.”

        That’s what you thought.

        Jeremy was fine. He might have been somewhat awkward for a second, his eyes kept flickering from a spot on the wall to you as you measured anywhere below his waist, but he was quiet and didn’t ask questions and let you work - taking any instructions without hesitation. Brooke was similar, although much happier and barely hesitated to give you her weight and height. Heck, she actually complimented you on your dress at one point - something you’d made earlier in the year. Jenna was similar, although much chattier - which was definitely fine. You actually liked it, compared to how quiet everyone else had been while you’d taken their measurements.

        Then came Chloe. You’d known about her and Jake’s relationship in the past, so maybe that was why she’d been glaring at you the entire time you basically breathed around Jake. But she smiled.

       “Height and weight?”

        She hesitated. “Why?”

        You sighed. “This will stay between you and me - I just need it for costuming reasons.”

        Chloe clicked her tongue before answering your question. Barely half a second later, she spoke once more. “I saw Jake was talking to you.”

       “And so did Christine and Rich and Brooke and Jenna.” You shrugged, “look, Chloe, if you’re trying to say there was anything going on - there wasn’t. I took his measurements, he asked if I do this a lot, and I told him I did since costumes are my thing. Heck, we haven’t talked before today, so if you’re worried about anything between us-”

       “I’m not worried,” she snapped. “I just-” She frowned as she watched you fumble with the measuring tape, “I wouldn’t want you to get any ideas since Jake obviously has his eyes on someone else.”

        You finally looked up after straightening out the tape. “We’ve barely ever talked before. I’m not going to fall in love with him after one talk.”

        Chloe only stared at you for a moment, before letting you finish up your job. You shut the folder you kept, making sure all the papers were secure, shoving your measuring tape into your pocket, and snatching your bag from a chair. You thanked them for being patient, forcing your smile as you make a comment about how you’ll pick up supplies and get things done as soon as you can, only receiving a halfhearted response from everyone but Christine and Mr.Reyes, which managed to evoke something from both Jeremy and Jake, which in turn managed to get the rest of the cast to give you more than you’d expected.

        Well, that really showed you how fickle people could be. Not that you needed it - but still. You weren’t sure whether it was Jake or Jeremy that made them change their minds, but you left without thinking too much into it. 

        You had work to do.

        A week later and you’re already buried in your work. The contents of your room have practically been shoved into the closet as you invested all your time into each little detail in each costume. You spent your days either working on small details while in different classes, spray painting shoes during drama, or scribbling in answers to homework due the next period (or day, if you were lucky), courtesy of Christine. If you had a chance, you’d crash on the small, cheap couch in the drama room for a bit, and then you were back home and sewing and (rarely) burning your fingers on hot glue.

        It was hell, but it was worth it.

        The rustling of paper and plastic bags caught your attention, snapping your attention away from the warming glue gun, which wasn’t warming up fast enough for your liking. There stood Christine, admiring the different pieces of costumes that were strewn about - the bare bones of Brooke’s dress that still needed the bows fixed and lime green details, Christine’s own dress hanging on a hanger only needing tiny touch-ups, a shirt you found for Chloe that you had yet to touch, and one of Rich’s costumes already near completion.

       “Wow.”

       “Yeah.”

       “You need a break. C’mon,” she said, sitting on the edge your bed, “I brought food... and more hot glue sticks.”

       “Yes!” You smiled, hopping up. You shoved your backpack from it’s spot, sitting cross-legged as you took one of the Chipotle cups from her.

       Christine sat on your bed, unfolding the bag as she hands you your usual order. You thank her and almost immediately break into your food. Sometimes you wonder how you ended up with such a great friend, considering she lets you copy off her work without question during your sleepless weeks and memorized your order (not that you haven’t done the same, but still). Then again, ten years of friendship have made the two of you this close. Sleepovers and doing theatre together until high school - when you decided you didn’t like doing it as much - and movie nights where the two of you screamed at stupid horror movies or shifted uncomfortably at random sex scenes or jammed out to movie musicals; all built up your friendship over the years, even if there were a few fights from time to time. In the end, you two were closer than anyone else you two knew.

      “Jake asked me to come to his Halloween party on Friday,” she said as she opened the container containing her own order.

       “And?”

      “I think I might go.” She shrugged, “he’s so sweet, [y/n]. He suggested that we go as prince and princess.”

      “That’s cute,” you smiled, “do you still have that-”

      “Renaissance costume? Yeah,” she smiled, “it still fits! I mean, it was only a year ago, but still.”

      “Well... have fun, I guess,” you shrugged. She stared at you.

      “I was... actually going to take you with me? Jake said it’d be okay, and you’ve been pretty stressed about all the costumes, and I just thought you could use a night out-”

       You traced circles into the condensation forming on the cup, awkwardly taking a sip. You did have a costume, so it wasn’t like you weren’t prepared. Albeit it be based off of a video game character, it was still something. “People are gonna say I’m a geek.”

      “So? People know that I’m a theatre geek. Besides, if anyone says anything, at least you have the satisfaction that you made your costume yourself!”

       You eyed the pair of long-fall boots in the corner of your room, the portal gun you’d ordered resting against them. Maybe you’d at least ditch the portal gun for Halloween - you didn’t want to risk damaging it, considering the house would probably be full of drunk teenagers. You looked back to Christine.

      “I’ll go if we can have movie night on Saturday. Me, you, and a couple bags of discount Halloween candy,” you brushed a lock of hair behind your ear. 

       “No horror movies,” she said. You frowned.

      “Fiiine. No Singing in the Rain.”

       She was taken aback, “but [y/n]-” She paused, “actually, I have something better. I’ll pick you up.”

       The backyard was the quietest place, for some strange reason. The music wasn’t threatening to knock pictures and paintings off of the walls, there wasn’t the blazing heat of a hundred teenager bodies - quite the opposite, in fact, and you were wishing you brought some sort of jacket - and the lighting was dim. Sure, it wasn’t dead silent - people littering the porch and lounging around the pool (or, if they didn’t care enough, they stripped down to next to nothing and jumped into the icy water before letting out a scream at how fucking cold it is), but it wasn’t too much. You sat in a porch swing, hugging a pillow and swaying back and forth as you wondered where Christine was. Maybe you’d convince her to leave a bit earlier than the two of you had planned, and you’d crash in her bed since fuck the couch, the couch is always cold. 

        The swing suddenly jerked back, sending you immediately gripping onto the back and arm. When you turned to confront the fuck that decided to throw themselves into the spot next to you, you were met with the familiar face of a certain boy who asked you if you realized how ‘this’ looked when you measured him. He sort of grinned at you, as you sink back into your spot, clutching the pillow closer to your chest. Just what you needed: Rich Goranski.

        “Y’know, I didn’t expect to see you here,” he began suddenly, not caring to greet you, “but Christine n’ Jake both mentioned you were around here somewhere, so...”

        “I’m taking a break.” You ran your thumb over the corner of the pillow. “From costumes,” you added on, “Christine’s making me.”

        He nodded and smiled again. “Good. You deserve to let loose sometimes.” He paused, “who are you?” You looked at him, before he just gestured toward your body.

        You glanced down to your costume. “Just a video game character.”

        He didn’t respond at first, but the moment your attention drifted back to the pillow, he spoke. “That’s cool. I’m Jason,” he said, “from the movies? Friday the 13th?” The mask gleamed in the low light from overhead, and you could barely see the red streak peeking out slightly from underneath it, boldly standing out against golden brown.

        You sort of smile. “I know. I like horror movies.”

        “You do?” He sounded genuinely surprised. You didn’t blame him, honestly - especially with the reaction you had earlier when all he really did was sit next to you.

        “Yeah. I mean, I get fucking terrified, but they’re still good.”

        He chuckled a little, reaching up and pushing at the edge of the slipping mask, poising it back at the top of his head, “you wanna grab a drink?”

        “I’m fine.”

        Rich pressed his lips together, obviously not expecting you to reject his offer. He pushed back slightly, basically swaying the swing back and forth slowly. “You do costume shit often?”

        You had to admit - you weren’t fond of his word choice. But you shouldered your thoughts, squirming uncomfortably against the wood, “yeah. Kind of my passion.” You nearly decided against it, but you were already speaking, “I made this,” you gestured slightly toward your outfit. “And the boots, too,” you tapped your fingers against the metal curving out of the back.

        He didn’t speak, just staring. “Can I?” He reached out a hand. You slowly nod.

        You barely knew Rich Goranski - at least, personally. He sprung up during sophomore year and was Jake’s friend, and has slept with numerous girls if the rumors surrounding him were anything to go by. Plenty of people didn’t catch his attention - you and Christine were never the object of his eye, as were many of your friends - but the ones that did seemed to be the popular, gorgeous girls that seemed fawned about by everyone. You heard about how he was one of those guys who’s focus was basically getting into girls’ pants and to watch out because his fingers like to roam or some bullshit.

        But here he sat, right next to you, tracing over the detail of your boots. His attention didn’t wander to your thighs or chest or anything, and a smile tugged at the corners of your lips as he let out the softest gasp at the metal curve of the brace of the boots. Rich seemed genuinely interested, soaking in every part of what would be a complete cosplay if you had your portal gun - and heck, you kind of regret not bringing it if your boots were enough to stun him. For a moment, the cool Rich Goranski who makes stupid sexual comments faded away. For a moment, you saw someone else.

       And within a moment, his hand jerked back and he was gone. He leaned back, gave you a half of a grin, and eased back into his usual cocky, too cool for this shit persona. “I’ll, uh, see you later,” he stood, the swing drawing back a little too quickly.

        The swing threw itself forward, and you nearly fell out if it weren’t for Rich, quickly catching you by the shoulders, his fingers warm against your bare skin. He chuckled softly, tracing circles in your skin with his thumb.

        “You alright?” He said softly. You dumbly nodded, movements slow as you leaned back. He smiled again, and for a split second, you swore you saw the fainted, thinnest pattern of a circuit creep onto his features, etched out across his freckled cheeks ever so faintly. “Good. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to someone as cute as you.”

        His touch lingered a few seconds more before he stepped away, making another comment about how he’ll see you later. The warmth of his touch seemed to haunt your skin, the circles he traced feeling as if it had been tattooed there, just as a reminder that that was real and Rich had just been talking to you. You dismissed the thoughts quickly, standing slowly and stretching, bones popping softly. You’d find Christine and see if you two could leave. Passing out in Christine’s room sounded amazing, and the promise of sleep sounded like it might be able to wash off the ghost of a touch.

        You eventually found her on the couch, talking to some kid in a cyborg costume - Jeremy? You remembered his face and his body too well, honestly, but his name seemed to slip your mind - albeit it looked more like he just wore a onesie to the party as a last minute option. You couldn’t really judge - he seemed happy. Whether it be from the fact he was talking to Christine, because who wouldn’t be happy talking to Christine, or because he was at this party or because whatever, you couldn’t be sure.

        “Hey, [y/n]!” She smiled, “you remember Jeremy, right?”

        Awkward kid that kept getting nervous when measured below the belt. “Yeah. Hi,” you said, sinking into the spot next to Christine, waving at Jeremy. He sort of awkwardly smiles - that sort of smile that’s just oozing with damn it her friend is here. The sort of shit you often saw in movies.

        “Anyway, you were saying?” Christine said, looking back to Jeremy.

        He stared, looking from her to you before deciding on whatever he was about to say. “I was wondering if, uh, you wanted to go out with me?”

        Oh shit, he actually went for it. You looked to Christine, before snagging the keys out of your pocket after seeing how tense she had immediately grown. You whispered, “I’ll go get the car. Meet you in five.” And left the living room as quickly as you could.

        Thirty minutes later and you’re almost to Christine’s house, listening to her ramble about how Jeremy used to be kind of a sweetheart in the past - he didn’t really talk to her, but he was “kind of adorkable” whenever she saw him. Awkward, but adorkable. And now he’s changed and he’s changed from a dork to a dick sometimes, being one of the popular boys who hangs out with Rich and Jake. 

        You ditched your boots in the car, following her into her house, listening to her now talk about the shit that Jake pulled and how she dumped him after seeing that he wasn’t over Chloe. Within the next few thirty, you had showered and had donned the comfiest of pajamas and crawled into bed next to Christine.

        When you woke up, she was crying.

       “It’s Jake.”

        buzz

       “They’re saying Rich burned down his house-”

        buzz

       “Jake had to jump out of a window-”

        buzz

        buzz

        “[y/n]-”

        You took her phone, it buzzing to life endlessly against your palm. Rumors were flying, blocked by your palm “hey, c’mon. Halloween candy, movie day. Singin’ In the Rain. Alright?”

        Her arms were wrapped around you within seconds, her face hot with tears and buried in your neck. “... Yeah. Alright.” She felt your arms wrap around her, and you peek at her screen. Numbers she didn’t know, numbers you’d never recognize, kept spitting rapid-fire across the screen. 

       You shut off her phone. Sure, none of it was directed toward her, but jesus it was a lot to take in - especially because you knew where Christine’s mind was, even if it wasn’t an active thought. There went multiple roles - roles she and Mr.Reyes probably couldn’t handle alone. You traced circles in the thin fabric of her shirt.

        “Everything will be alright.”

       click click click

      “He-ey, [y/n]!”

       click click click

       Was it rude to speed up when the other person was on crutches? Well... at least you had somewhat of a reason. You were Christine’s friend, and you still weren’t completely sure how she felt about him - so you’d play it safe and avoid him as best as you can. But you slowed eventually, turning to face him, smiling a little.

       “Hey, Jake,” you said, awkwardly shoving your hands into the pockets of your dress, rocking slightly on your heels. “... How are you?”

        He doesn’t seemed phased by the fact you were kind of ignoring him, but smiles ever brighter now that you are talking to him. “I’m great!”

        For a second, you swore he didn’t even realize he broke both of his legs. “That’s good.” You sort of smiled, “where’s Chloe?” Fuck, why did you ask that-

       “I’m... not really sure. Probably with Brooke,” he said, “hey, have you finished any of my costumes?”

       “You’re still in the play?” You asked slowly, before he nodded.

       “Yeah! It’s been pretty great, and I can still do most of my stuff, so... why not?”

        You nodded slowly, “I’ll talk to Mr.Reyes about a costume parade tomorrow, since almost everything's done,” dear fuck, was that a lie, “and I’ll make any fixes necessary!”

        Jake nodded, still smiling. He had no idea what a costume parade was, did he? Whatever - he was smiling and he’d learn eventually.

        Time to buy as many energy drinks and stay up finishing every costume you could. Scratch that, finish every costume because you needed to. Would Christine probably get mad you were pushing yourself like that? Probably. Were you going to tell her? Nope. At least, not until after everything was done.

       “Tomorrow I won’t be here to help you all with costume changes.” You announced, standing next to a rack of costumes backstage, “so I ask that you all please be careful and to help each other if possible. Yes, you might miss a cue since this will be the first time,” you ignore the look Christine gave you, “but I will be here specifically to help with the quick changes after that. I’ve spent weeks making these costumes with quick changes in mind,” you plucked Jeremy’s reversible off of a hanger, “which is why I’ve kept most things simple and things that don’t need much help getting in and out of. For example, this-” you hold up the jacket- “is what’s called a reversible.”

        You slid your arms into it, it hanging slightly longer due to Jeremy being a bit of a string bean, “on one side, it looks like this. But,” you removed the article of clothing, flipping it inside out, “it becomes this when reversed. Hence the name: reversible.”

        At the lack of questions, you went on. “I assume you all have been informed of the costume parade? Basically, all you all will be doing is trying on your costumes and I’ll be discussing any changes that need to be made. Understood?” You barely had any reaction, before forcing another smile and continuing, “good! I’ll be sitting out in the audience, so just come line up at the front of the stage when you’re all in your first costumes.”

        At the lack of any protests, you were out n the audience, planted in a seat next to the kid who does lighting - Josh. He didn’t look up, eyes pinned to the phone in his hand as he switched from app to app, not really giving a shit. Eventually, after moments of dreadful silence, he looked over to yu and smiled a little.

       “Costume girl, right?” He said, and you realized the smile had been more of a smirk, as if he was planning something. You shrugged off the thought - he wouldn’t be that stupid, messing with any of your costumes... unless he had a death wish.

       “Yeah. Lighting boy, right?” You replied. If he wasn’t going to even ask your name, you wouldn’t use his.

        But he chuckled. “Yeah. Right.” He looked back to his phone. “So I hear you and Jake are... something.”

        What the fuck. “We aren’t? Where did you-”

       “I dunno. I don’t just ask a cute guy’s best friend shit about how to woo him when I like him,” he shrugged, “I get my friends to do that shit so that I don’t fuck it up halfway through saying his name.”

       “That doesn’t mean-”

        He cut you off, “plus, not naming any names, but a certain someone kept blabbing about how Jake never shuts up about you sometimes.”

        You rested your hands in your lap. How many times had you and Jake actually talked? Then again, how many times had he and Christine said a word to each other?

        Jake was cute - you couldn’t deny that. But... did you really know him? At all? The question weighed down on you - and to no one but Christine, it was obvious you were distracted as you made small comments about each costume. You all but completely skipped over Jake, dealing with the thought that he was talking about you proving to be more difficult that you first hoped. Soon enough, you packed up your shit and left, practically dashing to the school parking lot, jamming your key inside the car and throwing your shit into the passenger seat.

        Jesus, fuck, you needed to be alone. Just for the rest of the day. You had plans you had to take care of tomorrow.

        The hospital was quiet, the only noise being the soft bustle of nurses and family members or friends and such. Your steps felt like they were echoing around you, your bag hanging low on your back as you searched for Rich’s room. Eventually you find it, knocking softly first before slowly pushing the door open and slowly walking in. The lights were dim and you almost left, only to end up lingering for a moment. Was he asleep? Or... had he not woken up?

        The pale light of a cloudy morning flooded in the room, brushing over Rich’s features and causing the faintest glint of light to reflect onto the floor from one of the balloons. You felt like an intruder, standing in near silence as  Rich breathed, burn scars creeping slightly up his neck and into sight. How badly was he hurt? Hell, how did the fire even start? He was fine when he was talking to you, wasn’t he? Fuck if you knew. Part of you was glad that you and Christine had left earlier - but still rested the pit of dread in your that maybe you could have stopped this or something. Maybe you could have helped him, even if you weren’t sure how. The gentle, doe-like eyes that greeted you as he stared in wonder at your effort, your sleepless nights, your patience - all wrapped up in a pair of fancy cosplay boots. His eyes were burned into your memory.

        You should go. Maybe you could come back in a few hours and maybe Rich would be awake-

       “.... [y/n]?”

        It was broken through a yawn, but Rich had definitely called your name. You turned away from the door, and his eyes were on you, squinting as he tried to make out your features before he suddenly smiled at the sight of you. You sort of smile awkwardly, walking in but pausing a the light switch, reaching up only to be stopped by Rich.

       “Don’t. I... like it dark in here.”

        Whatever. His decision, right? Your hand fell back to your side slowly, and eventually you walked over to his bed. You hesitated to speak at first, but finally settled on the only question you could muster up, s you wrapped your fingers around the straps of your bad awkwardly. “... How have you been?”

        He frowned slightly. Oof. Probably not the best question to ask. He answered with a soft, “I’m here.”

       “A lot of people miss you,” you said, cautiously sitting at the foot of his bed, ready to move back up if necessary. He doesn’t say anything about it. “If anyone wanted to find your locker, they could. A lot of notes and shit are all over it,” you forced a smile. “It’s really sweet, honestly.”

        He doesn’t respond at first. Rich just sat there, eyes on you as he tried to think of something - anything - to say. Gone was that cocky, flirtatious exterior for a moment. He was unsure, trying to muster up any words. “What have they been saying about me?”

        Holy shit, Rich Goranski has a lisp. You sort of smiled at the thought - what a cutie. “Different shit. I... think there’s a couple people try to curve the rumors, but-”

       “Yeah. I get it.” He frowned.

       “Rich?” You were going to regret it, you knew it, but you couldn’t shake the desire to ask. “What happened?”

        He doesn’t answer again. 

        “The play’s going well,’ you said, breaking the silence.

        “Good. Is... Chirstine mad about-”

        You cut him off quickly, “no! Definitely not, dude. No one could be mad at you.”

       “What about Jake?”

       “Jake’s... Jake. He hasn’t been holding anything against you, honestly,” you said slowly.

       “How’s Jeremy?” He suddenly asks.

       “Jeremy? He’s... still Jeremy, I guess.”

       “Alright.” He paused, studying your face. How tired did you look? Fuck, you knew you should have put on something - just enough makeup to cover the bags under your eyes at least. “Have you been sleeping?”

        You tensed at the question. Maybe not as much as you should... Fuck, you downed a energy drink just an hour ago to give you the strength to live through Sunday and not sleep until five in the afternoon.

        Apparently, your silence was enough of an answer. “Go home and sleep,” he said softly, “I’ll still be here, i-if you want to come back-”

       “Yeah. I’ll be here the day after the show.” You stand, “we can talk more then, alright?”

        He nodded. He wanted to say something, but he left the words unsaid as you slowly leave the room. He looked over to the bear sitting on the table next to his bed, and frowned. “Fuck.”

        Jake missed one of his cues the first night you helped him. Could he help it? He had a cute girl helping him in and out of his costumes. He liked the way you’d gently smooth out a wrinkle in a shirt or the way you’d smile after making sure everything was right. Was it stupid that he thought about your fingertips running across his chest as you blindly found the edge of his jacket, and that the fact your arms were around him for barely a minute drove him crazy? Fuck, he wasn’t sure, but you were cute and it distracted him because you were so serious about this and he didn’t wanna mess up but how could he focus when he had a cutie like you hanging around him, specifically there for him. Everyone else was fine on their own for the most part - maybe you had to zip up Brooke’s dress and help Jenna at least once, but other than that, you were the center of his attention.

        Was it bad that he really liked that? Fuck if he knew.

        He was going to ask you out. Sbarro? Sbarro. Sbarro was a good option - who didn’t like pizza? He at least knew you did, considering one night Mr.Reyes ordered pizza for all of you before the second run through of the night. Then again, maybe Sbarro wasn’t a good idea then - you’d probably be tired of pizza. Maybe just the mall in general - he’ll try to pay for you if he can and maybe you two could just talk and maybe there wouldn’t be someone to steal the attention away with their performance art. 

        Did that sound needy? Fuck, it probably did. He’ll have to figure out how to ask you out. Hopefully Christine didn’t say anything to you - then again, she didn’t seem like the person to, and... she was oddly okay with him subtly bringing up the idea of dating you.

        "I can’t believe it,” you hissed softly, “I spent weeks making costumes - and now Jeremy doesn’t even fucking show up!”

        Jake frowned. You were pissed. 

       “I mean, Jake, you broke both of your legs and you’re here. I just... I don’t know,” you murmured. Your gaze fell to the floor, your arms crossed across your chest as you held back tears. You worked so fucking long and Jeremy just straight up blew off the entire play. Now Mr.Reyes had to make time to get through Rich’s changes, and Jeremy’s and-

        Jake’s hand was on your cheek. “Hey,” he cooed softly, “it’ll be alright. Jeremy will be here - he wouldn’t blow off something this important.”

        You looked up at him and he was blown away. God, you had beautiful eyes. “You think so?”

       “Yeah!” He smiled, slowly tearing his hand away from your cheek, gripping the handgrip tightly. He hesitated for once, unsure about the timing, but decided hes go for it. “Hey, [y/n]? I was wondering if maybe you’d-”

       “Jeremy!”

        The two of you looked up as Jeremy strolled in, usurping your attention away from him. He could tell it was taking everything to prevent yourself from marching over to him and chewing him out. Maybe he’d tell you after the show - give you time to calm down since you were practically burning, hatred oozing out of every pore. He watched as you stared, watching Jeremy talk to Christine, holding up something before watching her turn and walk away from him.

        “Places for scene two, people!”

        Jake left you standing alone, seething as you stared down Jeremy. If looks could kill… Jake left you after a few moments, hesitating slightly.

        You kept staring at Jeremy. Something was off. He seemed… anxious, uncertainty beginning to practically drip from every inch of him, his hands still clutching some pink shoe-box he had drawn out of his bag. What was wrong with him? He used to be different - acting cool and so sure, save for Halloween night. He moved, intending on running out on stage - something that’d ruin the show for sure - and before you could stop him, Mr.Reyes was already there, hand curled around his arm, fingers digging in and likely leaving bruises. He spat something in his face, only to push him back, exiting onto the stage.

        “[y/n]!” He said, voice shrill as he grabbed you by the shoulders. “You haven’t drank from that beaker, right?”

        You’re confused, staring him down. “Dude, that’s a prop - I’m not going to-”

        “Good! Fuck, I need you to go out there and take the beaker-”

        “Jeremy, that’d ruin the show for Christine, I can’t-”

        “No, you don’t understand-”

        “I’m sorry that some of us care about the show! Seriously, call time was an hour ago and you’re late-”

        “[y/n], I wouldn’t-”

        You were caught off guard by the sound of Brooke’s voice becoming rougher as she spoke her lines, filled with an newfound passion. You looked back to Jeremy. “What. Did. You. Do.”

        He tensed immediately, “I need you to get that beaker.”

        You nodded. “I’ll see what I can do.”

        He tore away from you. You’d apologize to Christine later, as you crept into the shadows of the curtains, putting on the headset, hearing soft humming.

        “Josh?”

        He’s immediately quiet, “huhwhat-” and, you assume, scrambling to sit up. “What? You aren’t supposed to be on here-”

        “I need a blackout on stage.”

        “Uh… it’s not the end of the scene? I mean, I’d do it but I don’t have a death wish right now since my life’s been pretty baller-”

        “Fuck, Josh, I need-”        The door swung open, and in strolled some nerdy looking guy with glasses and a red hoodie, holding up a bottle of red soda. You nearly snapped at him if it weren’t for the relief that immediately washed over Jeremy. You grew silent as you watched the two talk, Josh questioning everything as you then watched Jeremy go near silent before beginning to attack his friend - Michael, you were pretty sure. You whipped off the headset, tossing it down as you went to try and stop him.

        “Jeremy! What the hell-” You managed to say, only to be met with the cold wooden floor seconds later.

        He had shoved you away, before he tearing himself away from Michael. “It’s taking over my body,” he said, “I need your help - I’m sorry!”

        Michael was immediately after him, managing to somewhat hold him down. He nearly spoke to you if it weren’t for the familiar click of Jake’s crutches - and maybe it was better than he ask Jake, considering how Jeremy flailed against Michael’s grasp and considering you probably wouldn’t have been able to do shit with Jeremy writhing like that.

        “Jake! This is gonna sound weird but -” he was cut off for a moment, tightening his grip around Jeremy’s wrist as he struggled, “if I hold down Jeremy, can you make him drink this Mountain Dew Red?” He didn’t wait for an answer before tossing the bottle over to him, immediately returning to the task of keeping Jeremy down.

        Jake stared at the bottle, eyes catching a glimpse of you. He looked back to Michael, “actually… that doesn’t sound weird at all.”

        Pain overtook him, spiraling through his head as the bottle slipped from his grasp. His head hung low with his face scrunched in pain, before it suddenly evaporated from his features, and he looked up. He felt…

        Pretty fucking amazing, honestly.

        “Jake?” You said softly, standing as you stepped over. “Are you alright?”

        When he looked back up to you, you recognized everything. The familiar, faint circuit pattern you swore you had seen on Rich seemed to disappear within seconds. And he smiled at you, unnerving you completely as he reached up and gently brushed a strand of hair out of your face.

        “[y/n], I feel boss.” He didn’t stop smiling. Dear god. “No,” he said quickly, “I feel more than that. Here, watch-” He said, throwing down his crutches. You nearly scrambled to pick them up if it weren’t for Jake stopping you. “Don’t. I don’t need them anymore.”

        Jeremy piped up softly, staring at the phenomenon before him. “It… healed your legs?”

        Jake only chuckled softly, “no! But I can’t feel the pain anymore - it’s awesome!” He smiled, “you could be like this too, y’know. Painless,” he lowered his voice as he looked to you, “happy. [y/n], you could be pretty boss with-”

        “What’s wrong with me now?” You said, staring at him.

         He seemed at a loss for words for a second. “Nothing! But you could be more-”

        “Jake,” you tore away from him slightly, “I’m fine with the way I am. I don’t need,” you motioned toward his head, “whatever you have to change me.”

        He seemed rejected. The moment Brooke and Chloe walked in, however, you had stumbled into his arms, scared from the sudden appearance. He didn’t feel content, though. There you were, in his arms, warm underneath his touch, and he didn’t feel as good as he should feel. 

       The voice in his head snapped at him. Kiss her, was spat into his ear, or... get her the Mountain Dew yourself. She’ll be much happier if you-

       Then you were gone, out of his arms as you moved out of the way of everything - trying your best to avoid anything. Everything. You were fucking terrified and it showed in your eyes and in the way your arms were folded too tightly across your chest as you only took in everything that occurred before you. Michael had sprinted out after seeing the bottle resting at Jake’s feet, the pool of red soda hiding in the bottom. When the other four circled around him, you broke out of your spot, shoving past them.

        “Michael!” You had cried, arms ending up around him as the two of you fell back. When the group parted around you, you were awkwardly squished against him, both of you completely disheveled. You didn’t notice Jake’s eyes pinned to you, the voice in his head cooing it’s bullshit as it mocked him because look at her, she’s all over Mell - she probably likes Michael because Michael Mell is a loser who likes video games and Michael wasn’t like him-

         When Christine walked backstage, she was positively glowing. You went to say something, only to realize there was something so fucking wrong and that wasn’t Christine. She was too rehearsed - as if every step had been laid out in front of her, every motion planned down to the exact millisecond, her smile plastered onto her face as she approached Jeremy. She said something to him, and he just stared in awe. You balled your fists, Michael’s hoodie becoming crumpled in your hands. He reached up, fingers brushing over your arm.

        “[y/n], right?” He said softly, “look, fuck, I’m sorry-”

        You watched Christine lift the bottle to her lips, drinking. And then she screeched. One right after another - Chloe, then Brooke, then Jake, Mr.Reyes, then Jenna - and finally, Jeremy. And then they all collapsed around you, leaving you and Michael to cling to each other as you two let out a scream.

        Well. You two were fucked.

        A month later, your friend group had grown from just Christine and a couple other people to include not only Jake and Rich, but the rest of the play’s cast. Jeremy and Michael were giant nerds and you actually had plans to go to a con with them, them maybe also in cosplay if they could pull something together in time. The three of you spent the day sending endless selfies to the group chat of you all in last minute cosplays. At some point you fell asleep in the backseat of Michael’s car, and when you checked the group chat later, found a picture with “she slep” underneath it. You expected to see some sort of comments from anyone else, but only saw a “let her slep” from Christine. You shrugged it off.

        At least, you did until Rich was sitting at the end of your bed one day, watching you sew a dress for a Zelda cosplay you’d been planning for months. It was only in the bare bones stage, but he was entranced with your fluid motions. He was supposed to be focused on math homework, pestering you with questions over content if he needed it. Heck, that’s why he was there - you were going to tutor him unless he waved you off, telling you to work on your cosplay and he’ll ask questions if he needs it. But he ended up getting through two problems before he gave up, watching your face as you furrowed your brow, humming softly as you continued to work. Fuck, the amount of concentration you had was adorable.

        … Adorable? No. No, you weren’t adorable. Well, you were, but you and Rich were only friends. He liked Jake, didn’t he? Jake was cute and tall and kind of interested in him except neither of them made a move toward each other because… because.

        Because Jake was conflicted. Rich didn’t know it, and neither did you, honestly -  but Jake often sat between the two of you, his heart aflutter in his chest as he realized almost daily that he was absolutely smitten with the both of you. But he was convinced you didn’t like him - you liked Michael because Michael was kind of a dork and you were kind of a dork and why wouldn’t you like Michael? Michael didn’t try to convince you to change yourself. Michael didn’t try to convince you that you could be better if you took some… weird thing that caused a voice in his head - hell, he still wasn’t sure what happened that day. But he remembered what you told him, burning with anger as you recounted the shit he said to you only to realize that wasn’t him and profusely apologize. 

        Jake liked you. Jake liked Rich.

        Rich liked you. Rich liked Jake. 

        You liked Jake. You liked Rich.

        Fuck.

        And there you sat, Rich’s eyes practically burning a hole in your back as you worked, not knowing that you were busy shoving thoughts about how soft his hair looked sometimes and how you kind of wondered what it’d be like to kiss him out of mind. He didn’t know your fingers fumbled and that you sort of ended up nicking your skin - not terrible, but breaking the skin enough that there was a bead of blood as you hissed. You heard the clatter of Rich’s binder hitting the floor, breaking up as he’s beside you within seconds, taking your hand in his own.

        “I’m fine,” you mumbled, “sorry-”

        “Fuck, hold on- where are the band-aids?” He said. You stared at him, before softly chuckling.

        “I’ll be fine, Rich. It was just a little nick.”

        He stared at your finger, before his eyes met yours after a moment of hesitation, “you sure?”

        You couldn’t help but smile - was he worried about you? “I’ll be fine, dude. Unless you wanna kiss it and make it better or some shit,” you laughed softly.

        Dear god, did you not know how much he wouldn’t mind doing that? Even as fucking joke, it was probably the closest he’d get to kissing you honestly. He couldn’t fucking help staring at you and wondering what it’d be like to smash his lips against yours and run his hands through your hair or what it’d be like to explore every inch of your skin. His thoughts kept running elsewhere and you chuckled as your attention wandered elsewhere. What were you-

        “You should probably clean up your binder, Rich.”

        He followed your line of sight, only to find that his math binder had snapped open upon hitting the floor, papers askew. He sort of smiled, the warmth of his fingers leaving yours as he walked over, picking it up and throwing it onto your bed. He carelessly snatched up his papers, not caring whether shit got folded or crumpled as he shoved it all into the open plastic - he’d just fix it later, probably.

        “Did you finish your work?” You asked softly, bouncing on your heels. He looked to you, swiftly nodding -which was a lie, but you didn’t know that.

        Before you knew it, he shoved his messy folder back into his backpack and left you, making up some excuse about how he needed to get home or whatever. He was gone before you could protest in any form, not giving you a chance to muster up any possible excuse for him to stay a bit longer.

        And you had to wonder. What made him leave so quickly?

        “So… let me get this straight. You like Rich.”

        “Mmhmm.” 

        “But you also like Jake?” 

        You turned over, resting on your stomach as you watched Christine look through her closet, trying to find a cute shirt. “... Yeah.”

        “Why don’t you tell them that?”

        “Christine-”

        “No, [y/n],” she said, “tell them that you like both of them?”

        “Christiiiine,” you whined, “then I’m gonna ruin everything because they probably don’t even like me or - if they did, I can’t have two boyfriends, can I?” 

       “Who says you can’t?” She shrugged, pulling out a black shirt with flowers on it. “It’s called polyamory-”

        “I know about polyamory,” you cut her off, “but I don’t know about Rich or Jake- I mean, they’d probably laugh at the idea, right?”

        She frowned as she looked back to you, “why don’t you just… ask them?” 

       “Christine-”

        “Just… try?”

        What you didn’t know was that Christine knew. Jake and Rich trusted her enough - and honestly, who didn’t trust Christine? She was an angel and you often considered yourself blessed to be her best friend, honestly. Jake came to her days before you did, mentioning something about how you were cute and vaguely mentioning Rich in the same, love struck way. Rich, on the other hand, had been blunt - asking her for advice straight out only to be told the exact same thing she told you: to talk to both of you.

        The situation was this: you definitely weren’t going to make the first move. That means you had to actually mention the idea and kind of confess your feelings for the both of them and essentially make the first move, which was just a thought that absolutely terrified you. Rich wasn’t going to say anything either - more out of the fact he wasn’t sure how to bring up the idea that he’d basically be down for banging both of you (without saying it like that, since he wasn’t sure how you’d take it considering he was... kinda serious about it) without blurting it out. And Jake wasn’t going to say anything, mainly out of the uncertainty about how to bring up the topic at some point.

        So that left Christine with the decision that she’d try to push the three of you together, with some help. She may have vaguely mentioned the idea to Jeremy, and eventually managed to convince the rest of the group to get on board with this little scheme. They’d find a way to push the three of you together, since it was beginning to get blatantly obvious that there were mutual feelings between the three of you.

        One day, you and Jake and Rich ended up at the mall all at the same time, the rest of the group nowhere to be found. Then one-by-one, texts came in, an excuse given to why the rest of them weren’t there. Sure, it was weird, but Rich won you and Jake stuffed bears out of a claw machine after betting that he could beat the machine, and the three of you ended up getting pretzels so the trip wasn’t a waste at all.

        One night you ended up sitting in Jake’s hotel room with both of them, watching some crappy movie. You forgot about the homework due the next day, the impending weight of a test in a few days or weeks, the world outside passing by. For once, you were content. Rich was happy, his head in your lap as you absentmindedly messed with his hair - which was definitely as soft as you thought it would be, honestly, what is his secret? And Jake had rested an arm around you, pulling you closer to him slightly, his other hand resting near Rich’s. You’d barely remember the movie, as you sort of sunk into Jake, his warmth lulling you to sleep. Rich looked up as he noticed you slowing to a stop, your head resting on Jake’s shoulder. He couldn’t lie - he was pretty sleepy too, but the sight of you snoozing away was adorable.

        The next morning, you woke up tangled up with Rich and Jake, the awkward imprint of a zipper going down one of your cheeks, and Rich’s arms around your waist and his face pressed against your back. You didn’t want to move - the both of them sleeping soundly. So you didn’t - or at least, you avoided moving as much as you could. You only listened - the rise and fall of Jake’s chest underneath you, his breathing soft and quiet, and Rich at your back, shifting in his sleep, snuggling closer to you. Everything felt tranquil, as if the world wasn’t bustling outside with the business of morning. As if the only three people that existed were you and Jake and Rich. You smiled a little - because, well, that was a thought. Eventually you shut your eyes and somehow managed to realize one thing.

        You loved both of them.

        The group was conflicted. Because on one hand, the three of you were extremely close and seemed like everything had been resolved and that this was happening. On the other hand, none of you said a word about any of it. No announcement that hey we’re all dating, that’s cool right of any sort, no kisses, nothing that would give anything away. Because, apparently, you three weren’t dating. No matter how much Rich’s hands rested at you and Jake’s hips, sometimes squeezing gently to get any sort of a reaction from the both of you - usually a gentle nudge from you while Jake would become slightly flustered and glance down to Rich. You had the habit of bringing the two of them little things more often than anyone else - setting down one of Rich’s favorite energy drinks in front of him on the days he needed it, or bringing them both coffee and muffins in the morning. Jake would get invested in what you or Rich was doing - plans, current problems, anything and everything. 

        So then there was a bet. Christine said you weren’t dating officially, and Jeremy sided with her. Jenna had bet that it was just a secret. Michael shrugged and said it hasn’t happened - and after a moment, Brooke agreed. Chloe didn’t bother to look up from her phone, hanging onto every word.

       “Why would they hide it from us?”

       “I dunno, maybe they’re just nervous-”

       “Rich would have blurted it out by now, and [y/n] tells Christine everything.”

       “Exactly!”

       “[y/n] doesn’t tell me everything. She still has her secrets and I have mine-”

       “Christine, we all know that’s bullshit.”

       “Oh my god, they’re dating,” Chloe said, breaking the conversation up, “and Jake’s not going to say anything about it yet because this is new to him. Rich respects that, and [y/n] obviously wants to tell Christine but she doesn’t want to ruin everything. Let. It. Go.”

        The first time Rich had kissed you was after a convention. You had just gotten back to your house, fumbling with yours keys when he had turned you to face him, smashing his lips against yours. Your keys hit the ground, your hands finding their way into his hair and he tugged you closer to him. It was sloppy and quick, but you didn’t care. Thirty minutes later, you were curled up  with your head on his chest and dressed in the softest pajamas, looking up at the phone in his hand as he texted Jake to get his ass over here. 

       The first time you and Jake kissed was the following morning as the two of you were up before Rich and the house was empty, so breakfast seemed like a good idea. Besides, Jake had bragged enough about his boss cooking skills, it was time to put them to the test. So while Jake searched your fridge for ingredients, you sat on the kitchen island, humming as you watched him. At one point the two of you began making small little comments toward each other, before Jake ended up standing between your legs, forehead against yours. You had closed the distance, pressing your lips against his for a quick, gentle kiss.

       A gentle kiss that ended with Jake all but on top of you, hungrily kissing you. Rich swinging into the kitchen was what broke you two up. He chuckled, made some comment as he walked over, getting a quick kiss from Jake - and then another from you - before the three of you teamed up to make breakfast.

       And by team up, you and Rich watched Jake make pancakes.

       The group found out one day when you had accidentally sent a selfie into the group chat, Rich in the background with a dog that was definitely too big to be called a puppy, captioned with “jake our bf is paying more attention to this puppy than me and i dont blame him” and then a quick “ hurry up and get here before we buy a dog love you” before you shoved your phone in your pocket. You realized your mistake the moment there was a symphony of buzzes and chimes, and you saw literally everyone but Jake or Rich.

       “Rich?” You croaked, pulling his attention as your nerves bundled themselves tightly, your hands shaking, “Rich, fuck-”

        He was up and to you within seconds, “babe? You alright?” He said softly, only to look to your phone once you held it up. “Wait-”

       “Rich, Jake didn’t want us to say anything and I fucked up and texted the group chat and not him a-and he’s going to hate me-”

        So Rich did what he could: he called Jake, and within the next hour, the three of you were sitting on the bed in near silence. Phones kept buzzing will calls every so often - Christine being the most predominant of the names that popped up. Jake wrapped an arm around you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. He wasn’t mad - you didn’t mean to and he saw how upset you were over the entire thing. Sure, the three of you probably would have waited a lot longer to say anything to the group, but at least that wasn’t a problem anymore, right? That picture of Rich was cute.

       Speaking of Rich, he had been the first one to break, checking his phone. After all, everyone could learn to love the real Richard Goranski and his lovers. Instead of happiness or anger, you and Jake were met with Rich’s silence. When you looked, you saw why.

       First came a chorus of “i knew it” in varying forms, before then there was the realization that none of you had responded. Then the chat turned to love: Christine beginning with saying she supported you three, and then there was just messages upon messages of how they supported the three of you, that they wouldn’t go parading this around the school because who the fuck would do that, that they’d all be here when you all finally decided to say something.

       You had to wonder how you came to have so many people like this in your life. First Christine, who you had years of friendship solidifying your bond stronger than steel. Now you had two boyfriends who you adored more than anything, a constellation of pure love developed between you three as you had nights where you three would just sit around and watch dumb movies and eat pizza while making stupid jokes, or dates around the town where the three of you played Pokemon Go and argued about who’s team was better over lunch. The days where you and Rich would find Jake at work, making jokes about how he worked at Dick’s Sporting Goods (one time of which Jake responded with how Rich is “sporting goods,” which ended that conversation as you laughed and Rich grew flustered) or when you started working at Pinkberry and you had both of them with the rest of the group “bothering” you during work. And dear god, how you loved the rest of the group. They all supported you all, refuting any rumors before they could really take off (especially Jenna and Chloe, the two being extremely fast to stomp out anything before they could really start blazing). The three of you had undying support from them: something you all were grateful for. Heck, you had noticed that Christine had put stars by your, Jake, and Rich’s names. When asked about it, she smiled.

       “You guys are a constellation. That’s what poly relationships are called!”

       For the first time in months, you realized how loved you were. Jake had pressed a gentle kiss to your neck, arms around your torso. Rich pressed a soft, quick kiss to your lips, arms wrapped around you and Jake awkwardly as the three of you laid in near silence, the soft chatter from the TV filling the room.

      “Hey... Rich? Jake?” You mumbled, “I love you.”

       They had both smiled. “We love you too.”

since people wanted me to mention them:

@love-doesnt-discriminate @fly-like-a-grayson @heatherchandlxrs @linslovelylocks @1two-player-game1 

sorry if i forgot anyone!!! this is just based off of the list i have

[daybookofanescape]

My Maze Runner Journey

This #MyMazeRunnerJourney is supposed to be a video posted on Facebook or Twitter but I am not confident enough to record myself while doing the talk so I decided to just write it down.

My story began around 3 years ago, by the end of 2014. I watched The Maze Runner on my PC, not in cinema because yea... I was still on my clerkship year at that time. The very first minute the movie was on, I knew it that I'll love the movie. And I was right about that. Thomas was impressive, he was cool and all as the main lead, Newt had taken my fancy, a lot. I love Minho, of course, as the only Asian in the group, an 'oppa', I couldnt take my eyes off of him too. The story about a group of boys which were trapped in a maze by an organization called WCKD, and turned out one (or two if I added Teresa) of them was actually a part of the organization before he was sent too to the maze, was enough to make me fall in love with it. And that was how I sold my soul to the series.

I googled about the movie right after I finished watching it, and hey, I found out that the movie was an adaption of a novel with the same name, written by James Dashner. 'I need to read the book!' I told myself at that time. But, hm, I didnt have money to buy the book, my saving would not be enough to buy it, so I (okay I am not gonna lie about the crime I am about to confess, I sincerely apologize for it) just downloaded the e-book illegally. I read the e-book immediately and I remember staring into nowhere while reading it because, how could I not find about this book earlier? The next day, I told my friends about the movie and the book. One of my junior, her name is YM, said that she loved the series too. She knew a lot about the book, and I ended up discussing The Maze Runner with her. I finished the last round of my clerkship year reading the ebook, (which I also started to realize about the difference between the book and the movie, but I loved both anyway) and I vowed to myself that I have to buy the second and third book. No matter what.

Someday, when I was in a bookstore with my sister, I saw The Scorch Trials and The Death Cure on the shelf. I called my sister to come over and told her that I wanted to buy the book. She said okay, and we finally bought the books. I couldnt describe how happy I was at that time. I read, read and read again whenever and wherever possible, even when I had my friend sitting beside me, I still couldnt stop reading, I knew he was staring at what I was reading but, sorry, dude the book was too tempting.

I waited and waited till the movie came out. Once it came out, I was soooo excited. I watched it with my sister. The Scorch Trials was quite too different from the book, and I had to admit I was a bit disappointed. There were scenes I'd like to see in a movie but the director decided to not including it, what can I say? The most disappointing point from the whole adaptation was that, the movie production team or whoever responsible for the changes between the book and the movie, didnt show us that Thomas and Teresa actually can communicate through their minds. Like... hm? I think that was the most crucial point to hint about the bond between them two? I mean... Thomas and Teresa are more than a friend, a lover, or whatever you name it, they are much more than that. At least for me, I think the relationship between them two is undescribable. But that's okay. I am just an audience, arent I? Haha.

Then I began my internship year by the end of 2015. I started to have my own salary, and when I saw The Kill Order, the original paperback version not the translated one, on the shelf in a bookstore, I didnt think twice and just grabbed it off. Screw lunch, I spent most of the cash in my wallet to buy the book. The Kill Order isnt about the boys, but the story before the Maze created, the beginning of the Flare and the other mess that came along following it. It took quite longer for me to finish the book because it wasnt about the Glader. But in a halfway through it, the story got more interesting.

The ending was surprising too. Oh no, I knew something was about to be revealed, that little girl named Deedee must be someone who'd have an important role and..... uh I will stop talking about Deedee here. Haha. The latest book, The Fever Code, is my most favorite one. It tells the events before the maze trials, and it reveals a lot about their past prior to their days in the maze. How little Thomas met Teresa, Newt and the others, how Thomas, Teresa, Aris and Rachel created the maze, and everything, they are all revealed in the book. Seriously, fam, everyone who loves the movie and havent read this prequel, you need to read this, please!

It is also told in this book, when Newt decided to jump off in the maze, I get to read more about Newt, even the Prologue is about Newt, I am so happy like I have a garden full of flowers blooming red purple pink vaporing sweet scent of love and happiness....... oh shiet this is not healthy. I know. But I really love NEWT. COME ON WHO DOESNT LIKE NEWT COME AND FIGHT ME.

Finally, after a long wait, The Death Cure is released. I impulsively went to the cinema right after my shift in a clinic, I went alone, which I have never done before but for Maze Runner, I can do it haha. I stood in the line, patiently waiting to buy the ticket, and after I got it, I rushed down to the floor below, bought some drink and I went back to 4th floor, took a prayer and then I waited until we were allowed to get into the theater.

141 minutes was not enough. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. The first time Newt appeared, my eyes were welling with tears, I held it back, my heart was pounding, Thomas Sangster is getting older but he looks hotter and still cute at the same time, I hope science can explain this because it is not allowed to possess two different charms which is opposite to each other... wait, why am I talking about Thomas, it is supposed to be a story of #MyMazeRunnerJourney ?

I felt like a very strong girl who had to hold back tears for numerous times, it was painful, you know, my head was so heavy because of it. And it get worsened as the movie near its ending, I knew about the death, I was ready for that... but that bloody (love) letter.... dang. I just bit my lower lip to calm myself down, but the tears were so ready to fall down, I shut my eyes for a while, and 'Goodbye, mate' he said................. I inhaled a deep breath.

Dayum.

It'd be better if I watched it with friend so I just can lay my head on their shoulder sobbing or something, but I was alone..... I have to embrace all of it alone.....

I exited the theater with an empty feeling, like I missed something, like I was incomplete, like... there were holes everywhere.

It took Four years.

It's a long journey.

From the Glade to The Safe Haven.

From a Greenie to a Hero.

From an enemy to a friend.

From a doubt to a trust.

Thank you so much James Dashner for the world you have created, the characters and everything. Thank you so much Wes Ball, T. S. Nowlin and the whole team, for making my favorite books come into life, for letting me experience the journey through a beautiful cinematography. Thank you so much, Dylan O'Brien, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Lee Ki Hong, Kaya Scodelario, Dexter Darden, and the whole cast who had worked hard to finish the filming, despite the injuries, thank you so much!!!

OMG I WANT TO CRY AGAIN WHAT SHOULD I DO?

[wwoofcsa]

A few other fun things that went down

We went to a little headwash spot, called astral headwash, where you get a fifteen minute head wash and massage and its amazing. I asked if i could volunteer and they said yes! So i gave little guided meditations as i washed peoples heads and minds. Such a lovely experience. (reminder for myself: connecting with the girl with dreads)

The burn was around the time that it dawned on me, that my relationship with THC was coming to an end for now. A beautiful and freeing revolation

One of our camp mates brought these hilarious little tiny hands, that you can put on your fingers, and it looks like you had a tiny hand. Needless to say, this prop became an integral part of our hilarious week, filled with bits.

And lastly, i put together these awesome mdma supplement kits, to help protect your brain againsts toxicity from the mdma. Its a kit mostly full of antioxidants and i gave them away as gifts. This was something super important to me, to be able to help people be healthier, and to educate them on responsible mind expansion. It took me HOURS to work on them. I had about 90 kits, and was planning on giving away 30 at the burn. Before i left terris house, i put an extra kit in there for myself, but this kit was marked a bit differently cause i had put two capsles of mdma in one of the little baggies. I did it jsut in case i got stopped or checked by a police officer on my way in to the burn, as everyone was on high alert. I planned on taking the packet out and storing it spereately when i arrived. Flash forward about 5 days, i had gifted about 20 or 25 of the supplement kits. Everyone was so thankful and lovely and on the night of tycho, mikey, jake and i were gonna take my mdma, but i couldnt find it anywhere. All the sudden it hit me...hard.  I had accidentally dosed one of the kits though because i hid my mdma in one of them. It was about 2am and my heart started beating very quickly. How could i have done something like this!? Everyone had trusted me!? How could i be so careless!? WHO DID I DOSE? HOW COULD I TELL THEM> WHAT WOULD THEY THINK!? I had to find everyone and tell them, all 25 people, in a festival of 70 thousand. Thank god about 12 or 13 of them were in our camp. So after a few good minutes of panic, i decided that there was nothing i could do immediately, and later that evening the moment i saw anyone i had given a kit to, i would tell them not to take the restof it, and i need to check it. THANK FUCKING GOD, pips was the first one i checked, and i found it before she dosed herself unknowingly. Everyone seemed pretty cool about it when i told them though. Most everyone was just excited about getting more mdma. In good measure, i gave her one of the capsules as reparations. Never again

The last day of the burn was very interesting experience. I was heading out in the early evening with magenta and mothballs. And i was a bit sad as the burn had quickly (as always) flown by me. I woke up early, to wake brittany up and we were going to go together to a random rab set. I woke up, rode over to her tent, but she wasnt inside so i figured this was my experience to have on my own. I rode through the freezing morning across the playa over to playa school, a sound camp that was literally covered in actual burning flames. Random rab was playing when i got there, and i started warming up a bit as the set went on. I danced a bit and a few things came up for me. I saw couples around me and people dancing with friends, and i just closed my eyes and moved with the music. Suddenly i saw the two twins come out of nowhere. These twins that for years ive seen over and over again, and while ive wanted to connect with them, the connection has always felt very superficial and in the past, for some reason, its been tough for me. When i saw them, we smiled and hugged, and for the next twenty mins or so i wrestled a bit with the feelings that were coming up after seeing them and yet again, repeating an ingenuine feeling interaction ived had with them a dozen times. All of the sudden, a guy comes up to me while im dancing and explains that he’s doing a day where he makes himself approach everyone he sees that he admires in some way, and must give them a compliment. So he comes up to me, and gives me this huge compliment about how beautiful and thinks i am etc etc. it was so beautiful that i started tearing up and started to cry a bit. It was such a perfectly timed interaction, it took me by surprise. We hugged and he dissapeared and i notice a guy dancing in front of me. He was shirtless and i noticed he had a ton of hebrew writing tattooed on him like a collar of a shirt. I asked him in hebrew what the tattoo meant, but he ended up being spanish. He explained that the tattoo was 72 names for god. He got it for protection. It dawned on me suddenly, that the entire time i was struggling, i was being watched over and protected. Protection was right next to me and i had no clue. This epiffany allowed me to surrender into the present and gain persepective that im always safe, im always being watched over, and everything is happening exactly how its supposed to. This helped me let go of the twins, allow them to be them, and as the set ended, and i headed to my shift at the zendo project, brittany rode by asking where i had been that morning. I told her i ran by her tent and couldnt find her, but that i went to the random rab set, she told me that she had been at the entire set too, but she must have been a bit further back from me. I smiled as a feeling sunk in that the morning’s experience really was one that i was destined to have alone. A beautiful final experience for the burn.

[dickgoblinpi]

i have a workplace rant

yesterday the girl i was supporting arrived and her taxi escort immediately said she’d been in a very grabby mood. she walks leaning on people’s arms, and when he transferred her from his to mine, she immediately threw her weight back as hard as she could. i knew i would not be able to support her to keep standing, so i moved to slowly lower her to the ground, but she kicked out at my legs and i lost my balance. i fell, but while i fell i made sure not to just drop her and i managed to cushion her head with my arms, which meant i couldnt prevent myself from cracking my own head off the door frame, hard

this was not a good start to the shift! we got her up and she was smiling and apparently unhurt. she sat in a seat and ate some quavers. i got an incident report and tried to fill it out, but this is very hard as she needs constant 1:1 interaction and even with that, she often just...grabs. she has a high level of intellectual disability and it seems that she grabs out because she finds people’s reaction funny, and because she likes the sensation, so she can be redirected with hand massage, other deep pressure, high fives, drumming on her hands and legs etc...but not always. like it clearly doesnt quite fill her need to scratch and squeeze. even if you are interacting with her continuously and she is happy as larry, she will still try to dig her nails in or lunge at your face while laughing. it’s also often to communicate wanting something and she’ll accompany that with angry noises. so there isnt anything we can really do to eliminate grabbing. we do what we can. 

anyway, i got the life grabbed out of me while trying to write this report, which NEEDS to be done immediately after an incident. there was nobody available on shift to help by distracting her or anything, all the managers were in a meeting (in the room with the files and the meds cupboard, during a shift, which... ???) so i just had to do my best. she tore my skin quite badly in places, like i have two deep crescent wounds on my left hand. 

once i had done the incident report, i had identified areas of her care plan which need updated and i knew we would need to outline a clear course of action to follow when she throws her weight (again it seems to be something she enjoys on a sensory level and also she finds it funny when staff stagger or tell her to stop) and i would need to talk that through with a manager to make sure we were on the right page with that. but as i said, all the managers were in a meeting, and i was on shift so i had to just proceed as normal with the girl.

 we went out for a walk (she uses a chair out and about) and came back and she started to make annoyed noises, which at 5pm usually means she wants dinner. she had a bottle of juice while i made dinner and after that was finished she started making angry noises again. all this is super consistent with her wanting dinner, and at dinner time her routine is to walk down to a quieter room in which to eat. but she didnt want to get out of her chair and she screamed when i tried to encourage her. i hate being stuck in that bind, because she was clearly telling me she did not want to get out of her chair but i am supposed to encourage her (in my opinion it crosses a line into forcing her) to walk while in the department. i tried a compromise of taking her to the table and then trying again to see if that would jog her into her normal habit - no, still screaming. fine. dinner in your chair.

then she didn’t want dinner. she always wants dinner, she’s one of the most reliable eaters we have. she’s a food lover. it was a tasty looking beef jalfrezi. she loves beef. she loves curry. she screamed at the dinner at some length. she threw the forkfuls. she pulled my hair and tried to break my glasses. i just wish she could tell me...’i hurt myself when i fell and ive lost my appetite.’ ‘i had a bad curry from here last week and it’s put me off them’ ‘im not hungry’ ‘im having stomach cramps’ ‘im too overwhelmed to eat right now’ but she cant. and when i fail to feed the kids its like i have failed to meet a basic need, like if my job was boiled down to essentials tht would be one of the biggest. it makes the whole shift feel like a fuck up

my boss finally appeared and i asked if she was on her way out, ofc she was. i told her there had been an incident and asked her about the guidance we’d need (my instincts were right) and she told me to make sure her parents were informed, update the plan, file the incident report on her desk, find another member of staff to attempt to give the girl her dinner in case i have become ‘bad cop,’ try a quieter area, try to get her out of her chair ‘oh, did she pull your hair there? anyway then do this, this, this,...’ and then she left for the day

i found a member of staff to give dinner another go in a quieter room. she did then voluntarily get out of her chair and sit at the table. but still, she screamed. i left to give the other staff member a shot, and i went and got her things prepared for personal care and filed the incident report and then i went back and the other staff member just shook her head sadly. so we supported the girl with her personal care (she made angry noises all the way to the bathroom and throughout the process which is not unusual for her in a bad mood and she very often has bad moods but i was plagued with wondering if she was hurt in some way) and then she chose to wander around the department gradually calming down. spent some time in the sensory room and the quiet room looking at the lights, playing on the waterbed. ever so slowly she reached a more settled and content level

while she was working on regulating herself, i was updating her care plan, filling out a detailed diary of the incident to go home with her and one that we keep, gathering her things to go home, cleaning up after the failed dinner etc etc. then her taxi escort did not arrive til 7.15 (should have been 6.55) i quickly informed them of what had happened and told them there was a detailed diary in her bag and could they be sure to let mum and dad know, and then i ran for my bus because if i miss the 7.20 bus im stuck out in the bitter cold for half an hour. but then the bus was 25 minutes late. the cold stung my injuries pretty badly.

this morning my boss texted me, ‘did u inform [girl]s parents and r u ok after fall?’ ‘I’m fine, I informed her taxi escort and detailed everything in the home diary’ ‘hmm, remember i told u to fone them, better to do these things in person. glad ur ok’

she literally didnt even tell me to phone them. she said i might want to phone them if the girl’s behaviour seemed to be indicating she was in pain, but it was my call as long as i made sure they were informed. i like my boss in general, but a) she lacks compassion* and b) she often talks while thinking of other things and then thinks she vocalised her thoughts when she didnt, or it was a sort of jumble in which an experienced interpreter might have been able to find that instruction but it wasnt actually clear. im not the clearest of communicators but i try not to harp on other people (especially people who have hit their head and been doing their absolute best to juggle everything that comes after) if im the one who might not have got my meaning across

its just a bit of a bitch

*dont jump on me if you lack empathy. what i mean is she frequently only considers emotionally or physically difficult situations from a logistic point of view. she has a very very limited list of exceptions which are severe physical illnesses or injuries, and grief. everything other than that gets platitudes and a cold certainty that you will be able to work and function entirely as normal (and as care staff, that is already considerably more that is expected of us as ‘normal’ than many other professions, in terms of hours, lack of support, overlapping and complex responsibilities - i dont mean that the caring part is so super difficult, but that we are constantly overstretched by scheduling and administrative considerations). if it crossed her mind that the entire situation and the pain in my head and arms might have been grinding me down somewhat, she didnt care. i dont know if it ever did cross her mind

[maritabaptiste2-blog]

porn hairy photos - 9 Guilt Free Hot Girl With Hairy Pussy Tips

r/raobj had a post about someone visiting my town before Christmas and as an addendum to her trip, she might want to meet up with a local guy to sample the local goods and see the sights. Then low and behold I got a nice response back with a verification picture and everything. And it was a fucking amazing 20 hours. After some fun bantering back and forth and sharing some risqué photos I had my heart crushed as we figured out I would be busy with a family obligation while she was here for the weekend. She came from thousands of miles away and absolutely blew my mind. I didnt understand it, but her fetish was to be the first girl of that ethnicity the guy had been with so I was disqualified as a sexual partner. I threw my name into the hat, hoping but not really expecting much to come of it. It was a short romance, 20 hours as she pointed out in our parting kiss. One evening she was clearly horny and needing some entertainment so I tried a r/gonewildaudio move by calling her up and telling her a sexy story furry teen pussy while she masturbated in bed. Her little moans and heavy breathing got me insanely worked up as I told the story to the point I was casually masturbating as I described taking her as we sunbathed nude on a deserted tropical beach. And then as another crusher, she read one of my posted stories about being involved one in a 4 some with another girl of her same ethnicity. We got buried and flights were cancelled. As I came in her (in the story) I heard her climax as well and a glimmer of hope surfaced in my mind that I might still be in the running if I could somehow work out a way to catch her when she was here. I kept up the conversation with nice guy tips on hikes and things to do whole she was here, but assumed I was out of the running with all the other potential guys in this area. We talked almost every day in the 3 or so weeks until she arrived. She instantly had my attention and we quickly moved to Kik to get to know eachother. There was another bedtime naughty story telling over the phone and a whole lot of joking, flirting, picture and video sharing through Kik in those 3 weeks and I was completely obsessed. The workaround for having already been-with-a-girl like-her cherry popped was (her suggestion) if I beat her at a round of pool I might get my dick sucked but sex was off the table (I had my doubts about her resoluteness here but played it cool). Her flight in particular. Cue, winter Snowpocalypse 2017. She arrived on a Saturday and spent the day checking out town. We traded some fun flirty messages that evening and arranged a hike the next day. I mentioned that since I couldnt make it until tomorrow she could swing into our local sex club! I assumed (correctly) she had a good evening there and couldnt wait to hear how it went the next day. Id had enough to know it was an amazing sensation but it was always accompanied by a gag reflex that limited how far I could go and how long I could stay there. She insisted she could deep throat me and I insisted she couldnt, partly just in fun but I really had not had anyone get 100% of it down ever. She said shortly after that she was considering it and I didnt hear anything else hot and hairy women from her that night. She was "fun sized" to the point that I was over a foot taller than her and I was looking forward to tossing her around the bed that night. Her long hair just got me going that much more and I couldnt wait to knot my fingers into it as I kissed her later. Id be lying if I didnt admit to being ecstatic that she rescheduled her visit, and I could catch her this time! She was very fit, had a great ass (despite what you think about it ), and breasts people pay thousands of dollars for. I felt almost zero "getting-to-know-you" jitters since we had been chatting for so long before which easy really nice, so we hopped on the bed to talk for a bit. This had left her very horny. I was so surprised but probably shouldnt have been considering the amount of build up we had going and her evening activities earlier. 32DDD is an incredible combo on a tiny girl. I had to laugh a bit, as this was the opposite of what I was expecting; she was tearing at me like an animal! That bet we had regarding the winner of the pool game was forgotten completely. Before 5 minutes had gone by she jumped on me and pressed her sexy full lips into mine for the first time. I found out her night had gone on very late and shed gotten to play with the cute female half of a couple she met at the club. She had maybe the best, perfect, most sexy, breasts I had ever gotten to hold, and I do not exaggerate. I stripped her robe and lingerie bra off (which I had unknowingly helped her pick out earlier in the month as she sent dressing room photos) and then I undressed for her. hairy pussies galleries Her hard-to-get persona fell apart immediately and my hands started exploring her body underneath the robe. Each was two handfuls and on her tiny frame they were just overwhelmingly fuckable. I knocked on her room at about 9am as arranged and got a lovely surprise as she opened the door freshly showered and in a VERY sexy, short, silk robe. You know that first electric touch sensation? From her knees she worked on me as I stood with my head back to the ceiling in heaven. She was a self professed cumslut and immediately got to work milking my cock for all the cum I could give her. I laid back on the bed and she double fisted my cock for a bit and worked her hands and mouth up and down the shaft. She was sloppy and I loved it. She shifted herself to get a better angle on my curved cock and in the process moved her sweet little pussy close enough for me to start playing with it. As expected she was soaked already and I made immediate use of that with my fingers once they pulled her thong aside. I got about 20 seconds of feeling her and tasting my fingers before she expertly aligned her throat to my curved cock and made it disappear. No hesitation, no pause. I dont know what noises I made but Id imagine they were the happiest noises Ive ever made. Yeah, I was reveling in it as she stroked and drooled on my shaft. I probably spent way too much time worshipping them but damn, a good pair shall not go to waste, EVER. One of my go-to pornos to get off fast is deepthroat porn and I was suddenly living that fantasy. Just by how she handled me, I could immediately tell she knew what she was doing. She just swallowed it and kept it down for a good while. After a few more breaths and deep throats she smiled up at me with lips full of drool and a big smile. I could feel her tongue caressing my shaft, then it wrapped around the loose skin at the base and she pushed even further just to make sure she got it all! That little sexy throat was mine for the taking and although I wanted to be so rough with her, but I really had only met her 15 minutes ago (literally) so stayed somewhat controlled as I explored a sexy, fun-sized woman with zero gag reflex who could hold her breath for what seemed like forever. I wouldnt have it any other way. I was happy to oblige. I grabbed her head and pressed my lips and tongue to hers hard. She begged for my cum before I began to use her sexy little cumslut throat so I started fucking her throat in earnest, only pausing every 30 seconds or so for her to breathe while I pumped my spit-coated cock with my hand. In the weeks before meeting she had mentioned she liked getting face fucked while on her back hanging her head off the bed. Should you beloved this short article as well as you wish to be given details with regards to girls hairy photos kindly pay a visit to our site. Her tiny mouth opened completely still pressed teeth into the base of my cock and that tiny bit of pain just added to the pleasure really. She went back down on me and this time I tried some thrusting, cautiously at first but once she grabbed my hips and guided me in and out, as deep as I could push my 7" into her, I just became drunk with pleasure and started truly face fucking her. This was literally my top fantasy and that fact overwhelmed my senses. And I was that much more aroused. I immediately wanted so much more. I leaned forward to a 69 position, still thrusting deep into her mouth, pulled her white panties aside, and licked her swollen, sexy outer lips several times before parting them and enjoying her heavenly wetness. Enjoying her scent, taste, and soft lips was going to put me over the edge quickly. I could tell I wasnt going to last long. My head swelled and released several days of built up sexual anticipation. Thoughts of her comfort left my mind as I pushed deep and let the pleasure wash over me. I could tell she was getting close to needing air but my orgasm wasnt going to wait and I started thrusting a little erratically and pushing as deep into her throat as I could. Her teeth dug into the base of my cock a little painfully but I just embraced the sensation and kept thrusting and spurting into her. I had to bury my face between her legs for a little while too since she was my captive audience her on the bed. As the orgasm subsided I backed away from her And let the last drops of cum run down my cock as I stood over her. The satisfied smile I saw from her just made me lean down and kiss her deeply. I could have kept her busy in the hotel for every second of that day but we had hiking plans for the day and she was, after all, on a mission to see the area in a weekend. Im not a big fan of kissing after a bj but for the first time I just didnt care and pressed my face to hers, probably a little aggressively in my excitement, nibbled her beautiful lips, smeared her spit around with my lips and tongue as we kissed, and just generally reveled in my deep throat experience with her and all the pleasure shed just provided me. I felt like a total porn star. Update as of today I get to see her again! It dawned on me that we only had 19 more hours together before this cute, sexy little lady was going to disappear on me back to far away lands. I wanted to give back and get her an orgasm of her own but she insisted no, at least for the moment. We had a busy day ahead. Meeting in the middle this time.

[forever-his-bride]

Our Journey to Parenthood

We're Expecting!

What next?

I wanted to log our journey to parenthood because it started long before we took a positive pregnancy test. It is amazing how God prepares your heart to become a parent. Timing is always perfect when God is in control and looking back on our married life together we can see God's hand in preparation for this new chapter of our lives.

We got married in March of 2013. On mother's day of that same year we believed there was a chance I could be pregnant. I remember crying on the couch in our tiny little apartment thinking there was no way I was ready to be a mother. I called byron and asked him to pick up a pregnancy test on his way home. Immediately my mind began to race. We had so many things we wanted to do as a young married couple. We had even made a list of all the places we wanted to go and the adventures we had hoped to take before we would become parents. We were enjoying being newlyweds and I laid there processing how much our lives would change if our suspicions were true. Byron came home from work that night with a three pack of pregnancy tests. He hugged me for a long time and said either way we would be just fine. The test was negative and we both breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Fast forward several months. December of 2014 we were heading to Disneyland- one of the places on our list of things to do before babies. We had almost been married for 2 years and we had accomplished so many things that we wanted to before we would become parents. When unpacking in our room in anaheim, I realized that I had forgotten my birth control pills. For a minute I went into panic mode. I think we were both equally freaking out that I would not have my pills for more than a week. But the more we talked about it, the more it made sense. The past two years had been so amazing and we were about to go on one of the last trips on our before baby list. So we decided we would not prevent pregnancy anymore. We trusted that God's timing was perfect and when it was time we would have a baby!

Little did we know how long that process would drag on. Our focus shifted at some point. At first we weren’t “preventing it” but that quickly moved to we wanted it so bad. Mother's day rolled around again in 2015 and we weren’t pregnant. Lots of pregnancy tests had been taken and so many false tests had made it hard to believe that we would ever become pregnant. I remember being sad on mothers day for a completely different reason. I wanted to be a mother. I hadn't really told anyone that because I didn’t want the outside pressure of people knowing we had been trying for a baby. Of course we got questions all the time about when we would be having babies. We played aloof like we werent even trying- weren’t even sure we would want that. Deep down both of us wanted to be parents. Both of us questioning if we could conceive. And now both of us beginning to question God's timing.

So we made other big kid decisions and we bought a house. July of 2015 we officially became homeowners. 3 bedrooms- 2 bathrooms- perfect scenario to start a family. We thought maybe this was the step we needed to take so that we could grow our little family. And of course more people started asking when we would start trying to have babies. It felt too shameful to tell people that we had been “trying” since December of the previous year.

We faced plenty of other obstacles. That same summer that we bought a house, Byron was working Cal Fire and gone for the majority of the summer. This caused plenty of stress and border-line resentment because I thought this was one of the reasons we were unable to make a baby.

Later that fall we got a dog. The dog gave us something to care for together and alleviated some of the pressure we had been putting on ourselves to have a baby. She took so much time and energy that we were all consumed with our new puppy for probably 6 months.

In 2016 we genuinely considered the fact that we may not be able to have children. I asked my doctor if there was a chance I had anything that might prevent me from getting pregnant. She said she did not see why I couldnt conceive. We never had official tests done because we werent quite ready for the answer to that.

We geared up for another cal fire season and I was terrified. I thought there was no way we would get pregnant that summer since we had already gone through this and it caused so much stress and strain on our marriage. I had a conversation with my cousin that summer about my fears and my sadness about us not being able to conceive at that point. She gave me fantastic perspective and simple advise on what to do if this is really something we wanted. I wont get into it but one of the biggest things I was told was to relax. That helped a lot. Anybody who has ever wanted to have a baby can understand the pressure you start putting on yourself and your spouse that its not a relaxing experience. For a woman, we feel somewhat responsible for the negative pregnancy tests because its our bodies that dont seem to be able to carry a child.

I took so many pregnancy tests it was crazy. We got very used to the negative tests that we started expecting it. I think I finally gave up. We knew that come the end of this year, byron would be laid off from cal fire once again and we werent sure what his next steps would be any way so we thought maybe it wasnt the right time for us to have a baby.

November of 2016 was different. Although every month since we had started trying to have a baby, I felt “different” this moth was truly different. We spent thanksgiving with my in laws and I knew my body felt strange but I didnt let my mind wander too much because I had believed this several other times. I was “late” but that had happened several other times as well. So I told byron when we got home we would need to take a test. So we got home Friday night, and saturday morning we went out and bought pregnancy tests. My emotions were everywhere. When we got home I took the test. We let it sit for a minute and returned to the test like we had so many times before and for the first time we saw the word “pregnant” appear on the test. Immediately I had tears streaming down my face and we embraced. It was like time stopped for a bit. It was exciting, unreal, crazy, wonderful, unbelievable and so many other things. I ran to get a onsie I had been saving for byron that said “rad like my dad” and we started crying all over again.

Naturally I wanted to be sure so I took another test that we had just because I was in disbelief and it said “not pregnant” Our excitement was dashed. Our joy was gone. Confusion and sadness set in. my parents came over for dinner that night and I was just crushed. I told my mom I had taken a test that day that revealed we were not pregnant. So I tried to sip on a cocktail although I hated the way it tasted.

Later that night I sent a text to my cousin and told her about our emotional day. She wrote back and told me I was pregnant. I told her there was no way. Test said no. she said my hormones would be stronger in the morning and I should try again.

The next morning I was borderline depressed. I didnt want to get out of bed to relive the sadness of the negative pregnancy test. We had plans that day to get our christmas tree that day with a few friends. I considered not taking it but finally I decided to get up and get it over with. And to our surprise, it was positive! As were the 3 we took after that. The rest of the day was a blur. I just remember holding my stomach and thinking how amazing it was that we had finally made a baby.

It still took a while for it to set in. The disbelief continued as we experienced bleeding in the first trimester and other things that gave us doubt. But here we are- im 39 weeks pregnant and we are anxiously waiting for our baby girl to arrive. Im so grateful for God's perfect timing.