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The Wound

by Louise Glück

The air stiffens to a crust. From bed I watch Clots of flies, crickets Frisk and titter. Now The weather is such grease. All day I smell the roasts Like presences. You Root into your books. You do your stuff. In here my bedroom walls Are paisley, like a plot Of embryos. I lie here, Waiting for its kick. My love. My tenant. As the shrubs grow Downy, bloom and seed. The hedges grow downy And seed, and moonlight Burbles through the gauze. Sticky curtains. Faking scrabble With the pair next door I watched you clutch your blank. They're both on Nembutal, The killer pill. And I am fixed. Gone careful, Begging for the nod, You quiver loyally Above my head. I close My eyes. And now The prison falls in place: Ripe things sway in the light, Parts of plants, leaf Fragments. You are covering the cot With sheets. I feel No end. No end. It stalls In me. It's still alive.

[helena-bottom-farter]

August 6, 1962 3:09pm PT

Marilyn Monroe Found Dead of Suspected Overdose

By Variety Staff

"Marilyn Monroe, who often tried without success to shut herself off from the world, early yesterday did so. The 36-year-old actress was found dead in bed in her Brentwood home, apparently the victim of an overdose of sleeping pills. A telephone receiver dangled from her lifeless hand, and near the bed police said they picked up an empty bottle that had contained about 50 nembutal capsules a few days ago. Police last night held the death could have been accidental, as well. County . Coroner Theodore J. Curphey said he could give a “presumptive opinion” that death was caused by an overdose of drugs and late yesterday tests were begun to determine if the demise was accidental or not. Probably results will not be known till late tomorrow."

[avnillae]

[redacted]

trazadone, ambien, nembutal.

the father, the son, and the holy spirit.

god only knows where you’d be if you hadn’t willed yourself into damn near hibernation.

you crawled out of bed, stepping onto the cold linoleum floor, a few cracks and pops along the way to the restroom.

How long had it been since you last left the house?

How long had it been since you last were awake, was the better question ?

it didn’t matter anyway, it could be New Years or Thanksgiving, it made no difference to you.

the better half of your days were spent lying in bed, watching the small window in your room illuminate with bright hues of sunlight slowly descending into the dark shades of the evening.

once you were awake, you’d do the minimum to survive. grab a glass of water, force yourself to eat whatever was left in the fridge, check your emails, complete whatever corporate sent to you, then after you’ve decided you’ve seen enough, you’d crawl back into the comfort of your duvet, say your nightly prayers, and rock yourself back into heaven.

you can’t remember how it got to this point, you had to have had dreams or ambitions before, you had to have had some semblance of a personality before you became this husk of a person.

should it have bothered you, you would’ve gotten up and maybe flushed those pills away and set yourself straight.

should it have.

as sad as it was, you couldn’t imagine a life without them. actually, you couldn’t imagine anything really. everything requiring even a modicum of energy or thought tired you out. even leaving to get out of bed was asking too much of your body if you were being honest.

everything was all too much, better to lay in bed, sleep was your only comfort in life. if you had it your way, you’d sleep for years. hidden away from the world, from the judgemental gaze of it all, from the whispers and gossip, from the looks of pity on their faces.

from everyone.

you’d have probably gotten away with it too had you not made the mistake of entertaining pleasantries.

“I’m just really worried about you, you know?” She’d say, desperately swatting away at the layer of dust that had accumulated around the place.

“You never leave the house anymore, one of these days I’m scared that..”

that she’d walk in and see my dead body on the mattress.

“Have you been watering Odelia?” She interrupted herself, letting herself roam into your bedroom where odelia sat.

odelia was the name she’d given to the orchids.

she said you needed structure in life, and that having something that depended on you would give your life purpose.

you jokingly suggested you adopt a baby together, which she pouted and said she already has a dozen of those at home.

she’d meant the greenhouse, of course.

In a way she was right, in between the lucid haze and slumber, you’d always be sure to water and prune when necessary.

“What kind of [father/mother] do you take me for?” You quipped, draping your body across the couch. The plastic crinkled softly underneath you.

Huh, when was the last time you sat on here..when was it that you bought this couch anyway ? Must’ve been when you first moved in, what was that now, maybe a few months ago? It felt like years.

“One that should have the decency not to smoke in the house when there are children present !” Violet snatched the cigarette from your mouth, stomping it on the floor.

‘Children’.. the blossom of orchids waver in the wind.

She disliked the cigs, she disliked your reclusiveness, she disliked that all you had to eat in your fridge were velveeta slices and hummus. She’d complain, but always begrudgingly stock it during your comas.

Or atleast you think she did, how else would there be food in there when you woke up ?

Strange, you don’t remember giving her keys to your apartment though. To be fair, you couldn’t remember much these days, it could’ve been you yourself for all you knew.

It’s like you were married at this point, hell you even had a plant together. You just couldn’t win.

“Listen, a few friends from the flower shop and I are going out tonight.”

“Are these friends of yours human or plant?”

“Har har, c’mon!! Come out with us !”

You stirred slightly, on top of the general social isolation you’ve also isolated any semblance of hygiene.

When was the last time you shaved ? or even… brushed your teeth ?

you cupped your hand in front of your mouth and did a quick sniff test.

yikes ! at least you were single, or vi would find you and your lover dead on the scene

“Ewww, did you seriously just do that in front of me ?” Violet grimaced, shivering in disgust.

“Come on, we’re getting you cleaned up.” She tugged at your hand, peeling you away from the cushions. despite her small stature she was surprisingly strong.

“Who knows?.. maybe we’ll find you a boyfriend or something~” she giggled, leading you back into the restroom.

Upon arriving at the joint, you immediately regretted stepping foot outside. The noise, the traffic, the people. Who knew being in public would be so… public.

Walking in, you were greeted with a wave, their booth at the end. Violet rushed ahead and hugged them, you following closely behind.

Violet quickly introduced you to the group, you gracefully waved and said your hello’s.

The others welcomed you warmly, they were friendly enough. Still felt out of place though, soon enough they suggested karaoke. The group lit up, discussing what songs to sing. You took this moment to excuse yourself for a smoke break.

Stepping out you walked through the group crowding the entrance and stepped far enough to the side as to not impose any second hand smoke on some innocent pedestrian.

Fishing out your pack, you flipped open the box to discover that none were to be found. Violet must’ve stepped out the last one, you screwed your eyes shut holding back tears as you mentally scolded your plant child Odelia for forcing you to be a responsible parent.

Noticing a figure to your right, you turned to face them. A lanky one, leaning against the building, they were silent, a baggy hoodie obscuring most of their face. They distanced themself, their hood slipping to reveal a young boy with piercings. You bit down on your lip, hesitant to bother them. You decided to nonetheless.

“you have a smoke ?” You asked him, ducking your head underneath the hood covering his face.

if you didn’t know any better, you’d say he seemed surprised to hear your voice, “S’not my thing..” he muttered, shifting his gaze away

You frowned, “how about a j then?” You joked, mimicking a roll between your fingers, pretend blowing clouds.

The stranger pushed away from their spot against the building, their posture betraying their height. He stared at you, or more like towered down at you, your body froze, you could’ve sworn you saw a small smile on his face.

“How ‘bout a drink, hm?”

You lit up, linking arms with the boy. “Now you’re talking ! Gosh, why didn’t you offer sooner ?” You nuzzled up against him, he was. a lot more muscular than the clothing let on. You could feel his body tense as he turned to cough into his fist.

Was he blushing..? Well, I guess you were clinging onto some stranger, they had the right to be flustered after being groped on by some rando.

You quickly let go of their arm, mumbling a sorry which he replied to with an ‘s alright, his eyes boring onto the menu, you awkwardly leaned against the counter, sandwiched in between the dozens of other people at the bar.

The hours spent sleeping had unsurprisingly crippled you in social situations.

What do normal people say in these situations?

“What d’you want to drink?”

You snapped back to reality, “Hm?” Shit. What did you want to drink ? Did you even like alcohol ?

“Surprise me.”

He raised an eyebrow, a playful glint in his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a certain white haired plantaholic.

“[Y/n] ! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” She exclaimed, before eyeing your company, “And you’ve made a friend…” she muttered.

He glanced between the two of you, “Name’s -“

“Violet! Shouldn’t you be wrangling your coworker back in?” You motioned behind her to the drunken mess of a serenade being sung to a stranger by her friend. They were practically on their knees, holding onto the legs of a bystander, bawling out the lyrics to some cheesy love song, ‘Fade e e e into youuuuu!!!’

She gasped, “I’ll be right back, ok?!”, quickly dropping her hold on you to escort her coworker out of the building.

“…Charming.”

You returned to the boy beside you. A sheepish smile on your lips, “I’m sure they’re not like that…all the time… I hope..” You started losing confidence by the end of the sentence.

He let out a small laugh, watching as you sipped down on the drink the bartender had placed in front of you. He nodded in thanks, the bartender whisking away to another patron.

It was flat.. and flavorless. It was water.

“You hope?” He questioned, your eyes widened as you realized what you had said.

“I- It was actually my first time meeting them..” you awkwardly laughed, now it was your turn to avert your gaze.

“I don’t really leave the house… that often..” you admitted, shifting uncomfortably. Was it always this hot in here, the air never felt so suffocating.

“Oh yeah? How come?”

How come ? How do you explain to a stranger that you’d rather sleep for a hundred years than have to interact with another human being on this earth ? Is this what agoraphobia is, geez you were so lame now.

“Just never… had a reason to I guess.” You sipped at your water, hoping to hide your creeping shame inside the cup.

He eyed you silently while you drank, before leaning in closer, “How ‘bout we get out of here then, yeah?” His hot breath grazed your ear, causing you to squirm slightly. An action not gone unnoticed, you pursed your lips together before giving a meek nod. He gave you a small smirk as his fingertips grasped at your wrist leading you away from the commotion.

Am I about to sleep with a stranger ? When was the last time you’ve gotten laid?? Fuck, your mind went blank, curse you valium, my memory is basically as good as a geriatric with dementia.

Noticing your silence, the boy spoke up.

“S’not far now, “ You let out a small hm, he pointed a slender painted finger at the building ahead , “my place.”

his fingers were so long, decorated with silver rings.. you felt your face heat up. I wonder if I’ll be able to feel it inside me..

god you felt like a loser, getting so worked up over something so stupid. you refocused your attention to the sidewalk, following the boy.

Before the door had even shut, your body was pinned up against the wall. His lips ravaging your neck, you could feel the spikes from his piercings push against your skin. You let out a small gasp at the jewelry, your hands instinctively grabbing onto his shoulders for stability.

As embarrassing as it was, it had been awhile since you had last hooked up with a stranger like this. You forgot how aggressive it could be, but in another way, to have someone so desperately grab at your body, it left you breathless.

Pulling away from your neck, their lips drew near yours, dangerously drawing closer and closer until you could feel one another’s breath. His half lidded gaze focused on your lips flickering to your eyes, your stomach flipped, unsure if you were having withdrawals at this point.

You’ve never had someone look at you that intensely, you started feeling shy underneath him. His hands found themselves under your shirt, caressing your sides as your back arched in turn.

It tickled.

Your bodies all the more closer, chest to chest. You swallowed dryly, tearing away from his eyes. you timidly slid your hand resting on his shoulder to hold his face in place, you press your lips against his cheek, lingering a few seconds before kissing him again, lower this time, near his jawline.

He stiffened, moving to face you, you held his face a little more firmly in place. Continuing to plaster kisses along his face and neck. You ran your tongue along his soft skin before biting down gently on his earlobe. His breathing had become heavy.

You felt pressure between your thighs, his knee rubbing against you. You let out a sharp hiss, burying your face against the crook of his neck.

“How embarrassing…” you mumbled, feeling your face heat up as you could feel your slickness pressed against you. To get this wet just from him touching you, you haven’t even really kissed and here you were.

It’s been awhile, you rationalized, having been so heavily medicated you hardly had the energy or really the urge to engage in this sort of thing. maybe that’s why it was harder to contain yourself, you deluded.

not that you wanted to contain yourself, or anything.

His chuckle vibrated against your body, reverberating throughout your skull causing you to bury yourself deeper.

“So wet just f’me..” he cooed, pressing against you harder. You let out a whimper, your body hot and aching, rolling your hips instinctively. You held onto his body closely, panting.

“Look at you grinding against me” He teased, rubbing painfully slow against your heat. “I’ve barely even touched you and I’ve already got you so hot ‘n bothered” he lifted your shirt, further exposing yourself to him.

You were mush at this point, the pills may have messed with your memory, but you knew for certain that you had never felt as sensitive as you had in that entryway.

His hands squeezed at your chest, his mouth enveloping. You bit your lip, trying to stifle your moans. Fuck. You could feel every flick of his skillful tongue against your skin. He bit down lightly against the bud, you leaned into him harder. Your body practically pinned against his knee and chest.

You desperately ran your hands under his shirt, feeling around his toned body. He pulled away, much to your dismay, tutting at you.

“If you want more, you’ll have to ask first.” He grinned, how evil.

“I..” you squirmed, tears welling in your eyes from humiliation or overstimulation you couldn’t say. You pulled him closer to you, hiding your face from his, you weakly uttered,

“I want you.” You felt your face light ablaze.

“Please let me touch you.” Your heart thumped wildly, you could practically hear it at this point.

It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds that had passed by, the air thick with tension.

His hands desperately pulling and tearing at your clothes, you gasped feeling the cold air graze your skin. His warm hands quickly returning to their place on your body, this time you felt his fingertips run along your chest to your neck.

His hand forcing you to look at him, his thumb swiped across your lower lip, you parted your lips gliding your tongue against his digit. He groaned, replacing his knee with his pelvis instead. You gasped, feeling him.

He pushed his thumb deeper into your mouth. you raised your eyes to meet his, your lips wrapping around him tightly while you sucked. he wavered, thrusting hopelessly against you.

Impatient, you grasped at his belt. following your movement, he used his free hand to unbuckle his belt and pulled down his pants. Right as he was about to pull down his briefs, you pulled him away from your mouth to stop his hands.

He looked at you inquisitively, “We don’t have t’go any further if —“

“No, I- I want to, I just..” you could feel the heat creep up your neck, “Can you kiss me?” You asked innocently.

He stared at you, dumbstruck before a genuine laugh had escaped him. You fidgeted, wrapping your arms around his neck.

“Please?”

His eyes softened, his smile still present. He nodded. Cupping your face, he leaned in pressing his lips against yours.

It was gentle, a contrast from before. You hadn’t noticed earlier, but he was shaking. It didn’t occur to you that you weren’t the only one nervous.

Had he been as anxious as you had this whole time ?

He hid it well.

Feeling his hand slide to your waist, your bodies had been pressed against each other deepening the kiss.

You finally mustered enough courage to reach lower. Slipping past his waistband, you gripped his length. He groaned, you could barely wrap around him, you squeaked.

It was pierced.

You felt along the barbells, silently counting how many he had, you gently stroked him, “um..does..” you started, he had perked up,

“does it hurt.. when i do this.. or?” you quietly asked.

he gave you a reassuring kiss, “feels..good.” he guided your hand, tightening your grip and quickening your pace.

your heat growing hotter as you watched him stroke himself with your hand, you bit down on your lip, he was so much bigger than you’d imagined.

“What does it feel like?”

You inadvertently blurted, mentally kicking yourself for musing aloud.

He licked his lips, reveling in your panic.

“I could show ya.” He purred, his free hand pressing against you.

Finally, some relief, you had been built up to the point where if he wanted he could easily slip in and you’d come undone.

What an amateur, you scolded yourself, it was like your first all over again. It wouldn’t have even been that far off, you’d only had slept with maybe two other people before. If you could even consider it sleeping with others, the first kissed you once and slipped in maybe three pumps before peeling off you and returning to the party.

Your first.

The other..

unremarkable, you must’ve been on noctec then, you couldn’t feel a thing, but remember faking an orgasm before crying in the shower afterwards. You got off noctec the next day, it made you sick anyway.

Maybe that’s why you felt so needy, you’ve never had someone toy with you like this. It felt so new, you wanted more.

“Did.. you want me from..behind or.. is this.. ok?” You asked nervously, how much more awkward could you get, about to turn when he stopped you.

He laughed, “Relax, angel. Lemme take care of ya..”

He kissed you once more, releasing your grip on him before he drifted lower.

On his knees, he looked at you with that same playful glint he had at the bar. He slid the fabric covering your mess, the cold air sending a chill down your spine as you were finally exposed to him.

Good thing I shaved, you thought to yourself.

He kissed your thighs, sucking and leaving gentle bites in his wake.

There’d be marks tomorrow, you were sure.

“If it makes you feel better… this is my first time..” he muttered, before enveloping your warmth. You gasped, there’s no way.

“W-wait..” you choked out, his mouth unrelenting against your slickness. It felt too good, you felt your hands curl around his locks, pushing him further into yourself.

“S-shouldn’t er — w-wouldn’t you want to do this s-someone” you moaned, your thighs squeezing against the sides of his heads. His tongue expertly lapping at you, you panted, the tears welling up again. Fuck, it feels too good.

You don’t know how much longer you could last, “Wouldn’t you want to do th-this with someone special instead ?” You quickly breathed out. His eyes met yours, continuing with his assault.

You bit down on your finger, feeling yourself on the brink. you writhed desperately before you felt a finger prod at your entrance. He pulled away, his finger replacing his tongue. You returned your grasp on his shoulder as he pumped in and out of you

you forgot how to breath. he inserted another, licking up the stray wetness.

“but you take me so well baby..” he side glanced at your hole tightening around him with each pump, “makes me wanna fuck you..” he buried his face into your plump thighs.

Feeling a third, you hissed. Clenching tighter around his fingers you let out a loud cry.

“F- fuck, s-so full, I can’t- I’m going to-”

You twitched, trembling as you came, your body shaking with your climax.

Your limbs felt heavy, almost falling limp until he pinned your hips against the wall.

“You’re not tapping out on me now, are ya?” He growled, prodding at your entrance.

“We’re just getting to the good part~ ♡”

You bit back a moan, feeling him enter your body. You gripped at his shirt,

one rung, two, three

you lost track, still too fuzzy from the first orgasm, you felt his piercings rub against your insides.

“How’s it feel hm?” He hummed sadistically, bottoming out. His full length inside your warmth, throbbing against your walls.

You opened your mouth to speak, but no words came out only small gasps and groans making their way.

He chuckled, savoring the look on your face as he fucked you.

“T’me..” he thrusted, his hips practically grinding against yours, he leaned down closer to your ear so only you could hear.

“You’re as special as it gets.”

[everydayesterday]

“On Marilyn’s bedside table was a virtual pharmacopoeia of sedatives, soporifics, tranquilizers, opiates, “speed pills,” and sleeping pills. The vial containing the latter, a barbiturate known as Nembutal, was empty. In her last weeks to months, Marilyn was also consuming, if not abusing, a great deal of other barbiturates (amytal, sodium pentothal, seconal, phenobarbital), amphetamines (methamphetamine, Dexedrine, Benzedrine and dexamyl—a combination of barbiturates and amphetamines used for depression), opiates (morphine, codeine, Percodan), the sedative Librium, and alcohol (Champagne was a particular favorite, but she also imbibed a great deal of Sherry, vermouth and vodka).”  

—from Marilyn Monroe and the prescription drugs that killed her (PBS News Hour column) by Dr. Howard Markel

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It seems like you're Dilaudid in UK, USA listing various types of substances, many of which are either controlled substances, prescription drugs, or potentially illegal. Here's a general overview: Cannabinoids: These are chemical compounds found in the cannabis plant. The most well-known is THC (delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol), responsible for marijuana's psychoactive effects. Another is CBD (cannabidiol), which has therapeutic properties without the psychoactive effects. Cannabinoids are used medicinally in some areas and recreationally in others. Injectable Steroids: Steroids are a class of drugs that include the corticosteroid drugs used to fight inflammation and anabolic steroids, which are related to male sex hormones and can help improve muscle growth and performance. Using them without a prescription is illegal and can cause severe side effects. Nembutals (Pentobarbital): This is a barbiturate drug. It has historically been used as a sleeping pill, but its use for this purpose has largely been replaced due to overdose concerns. It's currently used in some jurisdictions for physician-assisted suicide. Oral Steroids: Similar to injectable steroids, these are taken by mouth. They can be corticosteroids or anabolic steroids. Pain-killers: This is a broad category that includes over-the-counter analgesics like acetaminophen or ibuprofen, as well as prescription opioids like oxycodone or morphine. Opioids, in particular, have been linked to addiction and the ongoing opioid crisis. Psychedelics: These are substances that alter perception, mood, and various cognitive processes. Examples include LSD, psilocybin (magic mushrooms), and DMT. Research Chemicals: This term often refers to novel or designer drugs that have been synthesized to mimic the effects of established illegal drugs. Their effects on humans are often not well-understood since they haven't been tested. Sexual Enhancers: These might refer to drugs like Viagra or Cialis, which are used to treat erectile dysfunction. They can also include other substances or products marketed to improve sexual performance or pleasure. Stimulants: Drugs that increase activity in the central nervous system. This includes caffeine, nicotine, and amphetamines. They can boost alertness, attention, and energy. It's essential to approach the use or purchase of any of these substances with caution. Many are regulated, controlled, or illegal in many jurisdictions, and misuse can lead to severe health complications or legal consequences. Always consult with a medical professional before starting any new drug or substance.

[digital123412]

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