#nice to come back to after having one of the worst mental breakdowns of my life. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chelseeebe · 1 year

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do you think i have forgotten (about you)

a part two to come pick me up.

summary: eddie finds himself out of jail and right back on your doorstep. running from his past while trying desperately to fix the mess he had left you in only leads to complicated situations.

a/n: so this is actually not what i had expected to post lmfao but similar to part one i reread this in my drafts and literally fell in love.. like it needed to be posted.

18+. smut, smoking, drug and alcohol use. mentions of jail and creepy therapists. angst.. sweet sweet angst. as before, this is stevexreader however this part is way more about eddie and r.

you can’t lie. the last few months had been pretty tough, on both you and steve. through no fault of his own though.

you were just.. unwell. perhaps you always had been and the process of seeing someone you regarded as your best friend beat the shit out of someone and subsequently be jailed for it had brought all those feelings up.

‎♡‧₊˚

not to mention the emotional toll of him dipping in and out of your life and the countless other reckless shit he’d pulled you into before.

currently things were stable, yours and steve’s relationship was good, you were going to work and succeeding in being mostly sober. a little help from a short stay in a psychiatric ward and some nice new pills had you feeling semi-okay again.

it had started not long after eddie was sentenced, you’d sat in the docks of the courtroom and watched the judge bang the gavel down as he was sentenced to twenty four months. it stung knowing that he’d gotten himself in this position because you’d dared to kiss your boyfriend in front of him.

nevertheless, a few short weeks after the horrid court date you’d suffered a complete breakdown at a party. throwing anything you could get your hands on, sobbing hysterically as steve tried his best to calm you. right in front of everybody, their gawping eyes prying as you were escorted out by the police who had then issued a caution and had recommended to the judge that you needed some sort of mental health intervention.

at the time it was humiliating. the worst part being that it felt like everyone around you was walking on eggshells, trying to coddle you and tell you that it was all okay. you’d known it wasn’t. maybe it could be, but for right then, no.

coming back into the apartment and the real world had been quite frankly, awful. missing the safety of the ward, you couldn’t hurt anyone in there.

steve had been your saviour through it all. making sure he was there for every visit with a great big smile on his. he was gentle, giving you your meds, making sure you were eating and he’d even found you a job, helping you apply, christ he’d even ran through a mock interview with you, putting on a deep voice and asking you silly questions.

and do you know what?

eventually things got back to some sense of normality. braving your first gathering, trembling as you walked through the door, terrified that everyone would hate you only to find that all anyone had really cared about was making sure you were well again.

and that lands us here, finally finishing a dragging shift and traipsing home to collapse into bed to wait for steve to get home.

except, nearing the front door you notice it’s cracked open slightly. the door handle looks busted and you’re ninety percent sure that either someone was currently in your apartment or had been in and ransacked it.

you push the door open with one finger, it freaks loudly as it opens slowly, startling the intruder who curses and drops whatever they were holding.

‘you have five seconds to get the fuck out,’ you warn, creeping from behind the door frame nervously.

there’s a figure stood in the middle of the room, back turned to you who very slowly puts his hands in the air, surrendering.

he turns to face you, a shit-eating grin on his face and you finally recognise the cocky face staring back at you.

‘eddie?!’

he breathes a sigh of relief, ‘holy shit i was startin’ to think you’d moved out and i’d just broken into some strangers apartment,’ cackling as his arms outstretch to hug you.

‘what the fuck- what are you doing here? you’re supposed to be in jail!’ in utter disbelief that he was stood before you, debating whether pinching yourself would wake you up from this strange dream.

‘i got out! duh,’ he grins, making his way towards you, arms still outstretched.

‘you.. you got out? what? you’re not supposed to be out for like another year.. i don’t- i’m not understanding,’ carefully wrapping your arms around his shoulders as he pulls you into a hug.

he felt stronger, sturdy as his arms wrap around your waist. the hug lasts for what feels like an eternity until you back to properly examine his face and to once again check that you weren’t hallucinating.

‘i can’t believe you’re actually here.. how are you? i’m sorry i’ve been.. busy,’ trying to recover over the last few months had meant that you’d sorta neglected eddie, his last letter still in the clutter on your desk somewhere.. unanswered.

unfortunately for him, you’d had a few more important things to focus on. like trying not to break down and keep your relationship with steve afloat.

‘i’m good, i’m always good.. what’ve you been up to? i missed your letters,’ it was a simple statement but you’d never truly comprehend just how much receiving anything from you had meant to him, how much it kept him going.

you let go of him fully, motioning for him to take a seat, ‘it’s a super long story..’ sighing as you jam the bursted door shut, steve would have to look at it on his day off.

‘well it’s a good thing i’ve got time,’ collapsing into the cushions, making himself right at home.

you and eddie are sat on the couch smoking when the key turns in the door and steve walks in, looking just as exhausted as he did when he left this morning. the tiny shadow of a smile that was on his face is dropped the second he see’s eddie, replaced with a state of pure confusion.

‘what the fuck?’ he exclaims, dropping his bag onto the floor as eddie clambers off of the sofa to greet him.

steve’s face is a picture, eyebrows knitted together as eddie’s hand claps his back, ‘you’re supposed to be in prison?’

eddie pulls back, holding onto steves shoulder’s, ‘and you’re supposed to be happy to see me,’ faux-offended by steve’s confused stature.

‘no.. i am, what? why are you out?’

eddie shrugs him off, coming back to the couch, ‘ehh it’s a long story.. come.. sit, how was work, big boy?’ taking the spliff from your outstretched hand to offer to steve.

steve plonks himself down next to you, placing your legs over his thighs instead of the couch, ‘yeah.. it was alright, i’m sorry- why the fuck are you in my living room and not in federal prison?’ taking the burning joint from eddie’s fingers.

‘i got out,’ eddie offers back, the exact same thing he’d said to you. you had come to the conclusion that his departure from jail had perhaps not been entirely legal but it was way easier to brush it off rather than trying to probe him.

steve narrows his eye’s, obviously also not buying his bullshit but decides instead to smoke whatever had been handed to him, humming as he exhales a thick cloud of smoke.

‘i said that he could stay here.. just for a few days, if that’s okay?’ you ask, looking up at your boyfriend with hopeful eyes.

he pauses, contemplating if harbouring a, presumed, escaped convict was really a great idea, ‘uhh.. yeah i’m sure a few days is fine..’ he didn’t sound so sure himself.

‘thanks man,’ eddie nods, eyeing the door to his old bedroom.

the thing is, when eddie was convicted, his uncle had come to collect most of his stuff, taking it back to hawkins in his van. you’d thought he’d be locked up for at least two years so sending his things back to hawkins was the smartest idea. that meant when you guys moved out, you weren’t left to deal with his mountains of crap.

you catch him looking, feeling a tad guilty that he’d come back to nothing, ‘the bed’s still in there but.. it’s mostly storage now,’ scrunching your nose as you grimace.

‘that’s alright.. anything’s better than prison,’ he jokes, offering a saddened chuckle.

‘yeah.. exactly,’ not that you had much idea what prison was like, but from what eddie had told you, your living room floor would be an improvement.

the three of you spend a few hours right there on the couch, listening to eddie’s tales from jail, entangled with your stories of all the thing he’d missed. steve nudges you at some point, muttering something about bed which you agree with, rushing around to find eddie a spare blanket.

‘you’ll be okay in here?’ you ask, poised in the doorway.

‘yeah it’s great.. thank you,’ he smiles, sitting down on the edge of his old bed, peering around the now mostly empty room.

it felt a little suffocating if he was honest, the sheer amount of memories these blank four walls held. he swore he could hear echoes of your laugh from the times before, remembering the nights where you’d stumble back here and subsequently pass out in a heap on his bed. he shakes his head slightly, ridding himself of the thought before it got too deep.

‘okay, well.. goodnight,’ flashing him a tight-lipped smile before closing the door and making your way to your own room.

steve is stood facing the window, already stripped out of his clothes, ready for bed. he spins when he hears the door click shut, walking over to where you stood undressing with a grin, hands finding their place on your waist.

you hum at the feeling of his palms on your skin, ‘what’re you doing?’ shimmying out of your horrendous grey work trousers.

his lips softly press against the back of your neck and maybe it’s the weed or maybe it’s spite but he can’t help himself, fingers coming down to mess with the waistband of your panties. placing your hand over his to stop him from going any further.

‘we can’t,’ you hush, acutely aware that eddie was just a few doors down and would most certainly hear.

‘we can.. you’ll just have to be quiet,’ murmuring against the back of your neck, your hand doing absolutely nothing to really try and stop him. ‘can you do that for me?’

he travels further down, past the flimsy waistband, feeling his smirk widen against your skin as you sigh softly, sliding your hand onto his forearm, using it for leverage while his middle finger begins to circle your already sensitive clit.

your sex life hadn’t been what it was in the beginning, both of you busy with work and mental health crises that it was now more of a rarity to find the time. it’s not really lost on you as to why steve is so eager for it tonight but you couldn’t help but to feel at least a little turned on by this sudden bout of possessiveness.

your eyes flutter closed as he adds another finger to the equation, letting your body lean back against his bare chest, ‘my god,’ you moan softly, leaving crescent moon shapes indented in his skin.

‘hmm? is that good, baby?’ his plump, pink lips pressing gentle kisses to you neck and shoulders, teeth grazing the agile skin. he’s unforgiving and really not trying to be quiet at all.

it was definitely spite.

you can feel his erect cock against your ass, unknowingly writhing around, brushing up against him. his fingers hastily leave the safety of your now sodden underwear, manoeuvring your body to face him.

‘you’re such an asshole,’ you hush, gripping onto his arms for balance, walked backwards towards the bed.

a menacing smirk plastered on his face as he falls on top of you, knowing full well that eddie could definitely hear your soft pants and the way your lips echoed his name. stevestevesteve.

his fingers are brushing the hair from your face, making sure you were looking at him. it’s disgusting how attractive you find this. steve wasn’t usually one for such outward jealousy but you couldn’t say you hated it. legs wrapping around his torso after he had slipped your underwear off.

you don’t even attempt to conceal the whimper that ripples through your throat when he slides into your cunt. gripping onto his shoulders as the bed begins to creak, headboard knocking into the dry wall, unapologetic with his movements.

completely unashamed.

you’re eternally grateful that eddie doesn’t mention anything the next morning though he avoids steve’s eye and keeps his head low until he leaves for work. breathing an almost undetected sigh of relief when the door clicks shut.

the pair of spend most of the day lounging on the couch in front of the television, watching the overdue videos steve had neglected to return. the darkness eventually creeps up on you. the moon shining through the windows.

‘c’mon.. let’s go out,’ eddie nudges your knee with his, a devilish grin plastered across his face. he’d been bored shitless all day, as much as he enjoyed the mundane with you.. he wanted to go out. feel that rush through his veins as you got into something you shouldn’t.

‘i shouldn’t.. i’ve been doing good lately, it’s.. i can’t,’ sinking further into the sofa. you wanted to go out, really. but you and eddie going out alone together was a recipe for disaster.

‘and that’s why you deserve a treat.. c’mon, i know you want to,’ egging you on, now poking your knee with his finger, his other hand gripping onto the warm beer can.

you ponder for a second, pursing your lips as you weigh up the pros and cons. you don’t have to get wasted.. you could go out with eddie and be back before steve got home from work. yeah. you could do that.

‘where?’

eddie’s smile widens, he’d anticipate a hell of a lot more nagging and pleading than this, ‘fucking.. anywhere, the night is young and so are we.’

‘okay.. but, we’re having a normal night.. nothing crazy and i wanna be back here before steve is, got it?’ raising your eyebrows as you down the last sliver of wine.

‘absolutely.. whatever you want,’ eddie chuckles, slapping his knees as he stands from the couch, ‘c’mon.. get dressed.’

you stare up at him for a moment before getting up from the couch and slinking into yours and steve’s room. he wouldn’t be happy about this but if you were home and in bed before he was, he wouldn’t have much to complain about and if he did, he’d get over it.

and hey, maybe you could prove to him that you were okay now. that you were ready and able to handle things on your own.

everyone goes absolutely crazy when eddie walks in, almost as if he’d been locked up for a year. there are a few unhappy murmurs, worried onlookers who had been there that night.

but he doesn’t seem to care, shaking hands and chatting to everyone that came up to him. people handing him cups of mystery liquor which eventually got passed onto you.

you’re perched next to him on the couch, drinking the vile tasting liquid without a second thought. the odd person still coming up to him in shock, asking all sorts about what life was like on the inside.

and he just laughs and tell them the same generic story about earning his way and how eventually people listened to him. you doubt much of it is actually true but let him continue nonetheless. what did you know about prison?

bedsides, you’d seen the scars that now littered his knuckles and forearms. how his muscles had grown and the way his nose now bent slightly to the left. he must’ve done something to earn them.

your head is pretty fuzzy the first time the plate full of mystery white powder is passed around. respectfully declining and mumbling about sticking to drink.

but by the second time it comes your way, you’re glancing down at the porcelain with eager eyes. one tiny line couldn’t hurt, right? you still had plenty of time to sober up and get home before steve.

so you pick up the rolled up note, eddie’s eyes watching like a hawk, ‘hey.. you sure?’ his own jaw clenching from his previous line.

‘it’s fine,’ you nod reassuringly, holding one nostril and sniffing the pre-cut line, sniffing harshly. you’d forgotten how much it stung, making your eyes water as you pass the plate onwards.

you sit back into the couch, watching as the conversation roars around you. waiting for that sweet, sweet feeling when it finally hit.

and oh boy, does it.

one second you’re sat on the couch and the next you’re pulling eddie up onto his feet, trying to make him dance along to the pounding music with you. it all sounded so good. your body warm and loose. heart pounding in your chest as the beat vibrates through your limbs.

you’re not sure how long you’re dancing for, keeping your eyes closed while other people start getting up to join you.

not even questioning the second line when it re-emerges. still slowly sipping on what was now a dark liquor, bitter in taste, burning your throat on the way down.

eddie’s hand gingerly touches your waist causing you to pull your eyes to him. he’s dancing too, clutching onto the beer bottle, pupils dilated as they cling to you. cling to your body. moving in time with his.

everything’s a little blurry but you keep your eyes steady on eddie, smiling as the music distorts in your ears. it sounded robotic and weird but still had you wiggling your hips in time with the odd beat.

his other hand meets your waist, more confidently this time, pulling your body towards his. you think nothing of it, focussed on moving in time to the music.

eddie’s hand moves up to cup your cheek, the party bleating on around you as he tips your chin up towards his. a soft smile on his face as your eyes meet his fully.

the next few seconds happen so quickly that you’re not even sure if it actually happened.

his lips crash against yours, pressing himself to your chest, hand clinging to your cheek. he’s desperate with it, hungry and insatiable.

the magic dust you’d just inhaled must have softened your inhibitions because you’re kissing him back. palm pressed against his chest, fingers curling into his t-shirt.

until you finally realise exactly what you’re doing.

pulling yourself away from him, stumbling backwards as you blink up at him. had you actually just kissed him? no, why the fuck had he kissed you?

‘what the fuck are you doing?’ you exclaim, mind still hazy under the influence of whatever narcotics they were passing around.

your stomach twists. steve was probably sat at home waiting for you to get back, worried sick about where you’d gone. all the while you’re kissing his best friend at a party he had no idea was happening. it makes your stomach twist, guilt coursing through your chest.

you back away from eddie, tripping over another party goers outstretched legs as you go. head pounding, hands tingling. everything surrounding you had become a massive blur of flashing lights and distorted faces.

‘fuck.. wait!’ eddie calls out from the living room but you’re already gone, pushing past the gaggle of people in the hallway as you fumble for the doorknob.

the cold air hitting you the second the door is open, you hadn’t brought a jacket. or had you? you can’t really remember.

there are people strewn across the front yard, watching as you stumble down the path, fumbling for your phone in you pocket. the letters all jumble into one as you click through searching for steve's contact. slamming the green button the second you recognise the slight curve of the s.

he answers on the first ring, ‘hello? where are you?’ you’d missed the tens of missed calls from his number.

‘i’m.. i don’t know,’ sobbing into the receiver as one of the onlookers from the party approaches you, ‘where are we?’

from what you can make out, it’s a young girl, she looks worried as she takes the phone from your hand and places it to her ear, telling steve whatever street you were on. her spare hand reaches out to rub your back, keeping you close to her body as steve fucking sprints from your apartment to the address.

eddie makes absolutely zero attempts to try and find you, assuming that you’d already run off home. fuck it, he was out now. might as well prolong the inevitable argument with steve for as long as possible.

when steve arrives, he’s practically frantic, taking you from the kind girl as he leads you off home. his arm keeping your body held upright as you wail the entire way home.

‘steve..’ you sniffle, being guided into the empty apartment, ‘we kissed- eddie kissed me.. i didn’t mean to, i promise,’ clinging onto his neck as you’re lead into your bedroom.

he’s weirdly silent, placing you gently onto the bed, taking off your shoes before sitting down on the edge of the mattress.

‘have you taken anything?’ he questions, choosing to ignore your confession, for his own sanity mostly.

you nod into the pillow, sprawled out on the mattress as the room spins around you. it’s dizzying, and not just the room spinning but the fact that steve was still so gentle even after your admission.

‘what? what d’you take?’

‘i don’t know.. coke i think.’

he nods, swallowing the growing fury in his throat, ‘i’ll get you some water, try and sleep yeah?’

he goes to get up but you’re already grabbing onto his forearm, keeping him firmly on the bed, ‘don’t go.. please,’ your voice hoarse from the party.

god, you thought. you sound utterly pitiful, ashamed that even after all he had done for you, you couldn’t hold your shit together on your own and were still relying on steve.

‘okay,’ he whispers, kicking his shoes off and swinging his legs over and onto the bed, sitting up on the pillows rather than joining you properly.

his arm snakes around your back, lifting your body ever so slightly to slide his arm under, pulling you onto his warm chest. stubbly chin coming to rest atop of your head.

you nestle your head into his cotton shirt, ‘i love you,’ head rising with every breath he took, closing your eyes and attempting to fall asleep despite the fact it felt like there was something stabbing into the side of your brain.

steve’s sat, deadpanned on the couch when eddie attempts to creep back in. startled by his presence in the darkened room. by this time, the birds had begun to chirp as the first rays of sunlight crept through the blinds.

‘shit man..’ eddie clutches his chest, ‘you scared me,’ he fumbles his way through the room, still pretty intoxicated, lips sore from chewing on them all night.

steve blinks, scrunching up his face as the other boy takes a seat next to him. eddie’s sure he knows. you had definitely told him. jesus christ, why wouldn’t you? he fucked up. again.

‘you can’t stay here anymore,’ steve states, stoic.

he wasn’t letting much on here. eddie almost wishes he’d just beat his ass and get it over with at least it’d be better than this creepy shit he had going on.

‘bro.. i’m sorry, i was fucked up.. i don’t know what the hell i was doing,’ he’s staring wide-eyed at steve who’s staring straight ahead, jaw tense, ‘shit, punch me if you want.. god knows i’d deserve it.’

‘i don’t care,’ steve presses his tongue to the back of his teeth, ‘you come back and you fuck everything up.. do you know how hard i’ve tried to help her.. all these meds and doctors appointments,’ steve’s shoulder’s slump, ‘fuck man, i even had to take her to this creepy ass therapist and try not to beat the shit out of him every time i dropped her off.. d’you know how hard that was?’ he sounds desperate now, dropping the weird, unsettling facade, turning to eddie with a genuine look of hurt upon his face.

eddie’s mouth opens to reply, but he has nothing to say. hasn’t a clue how to answer that because he didn’t know. yeah, you’d told him about it and how steve hadn’t left your side throughout it all but he had no idea that this was how steve had felt.

‘no,’ steve scoffs, ‘no you don’t know.. because you weren’t there,’ he sighs before continuing, ‘you didn’t have to watch the love of your life be dragged away because some judge had deemed her crazy. you weren’t there week in, week out in that hospital.. helpless.’

steve wouldn’t ever think of you as a burden but fuck, he needed to tell literally anyone the shit he had bottled up and eddie was now the (un)willing participant to catch the brunt of his frustration.

eddie swallows, staring out into the dark room, ‘i didn’t know.. i’m sorry,’ he’s scrambling now, trying to think of something, anything to say that could help, but he can’t. in steve’s eyes, he’s the one who continually seems to ruin shit for you. ruin you.

‘so no, i don’t want to hit you because you kissed my girlfriend but i do want to fucking kill you for coming in here and messing her up all over again,’ steve spits, his words like venom as they hit eddie square in the face.

any traces of intoxication had been pummelled from his body, head beginning to pound from the impending hangover, chest heavy under the weight of steve’s words.

his eyes squeeze shut. he was a fuck up and he knew it. he wasn’t sure why he’d even done it. you just looked so pretty and blissful and.. and you’d smiled at him the way you used to and he’d thought that maybe that had meant something. the few seconds that you’d kissed him back had felt like euphoria, for the first time in so long everything felt right again.

steve interrupts his train of self-pitying thought by standing from the couch, turning to walk away but pauses, ‘i’ll help you find somewhere tomorrow.. maybe nance n’ all will let you stay,’ and even through all of this steve couldn’t help but be kind to the man.

that’s what hit eddie the hardest, that even though he had hurt his best friend.. he was still stood in front of him throwing him a line and offering a sense of patience and understanding that eddie hadn’t felt in far too long.

he watches in silence as steve slinks off to your shared bedroom, head hanging low in utter shame. he’d never admit aloud, and especially not to steve, but the thought of you was the one thing getting him through his sentence.

the first few months were pretty rocky, having to prove himself time and time again, resulting in a multitude of different injuries but at the end of the day, he’d climb into his bunk and re-read the letters you’d sent. thumbing the pages until they were yellowed and worn. the mere thought of you still thinking about him was enough to make him get out of bed each morning.

he peers down at his scarred hands, tracing over the glistening white indentations. they all told their own individual story, the big one that ran across the large part of his hand was the worst after being slashed with a makeshift shiv during a fight. he was quite lucky really, his hand had taken the majority of the damage and had meant he wasn’t left to bleed out on the floor.

so he’d gotten stitches, kept his mouth shut and things had started to change. and yet still, every night he’d go to bed thinking of your face, telling himself that it wasn’t long to go.

you were his saving grace. the only thing that had stopped him slipping into darkness. he’d thought about it plenty, hurting himself or one of the douchebag inmates he shared the small space with. at least that way he’d get moved into solitary, maybe he’d even prove himself to the other guys.

you keep quiet when steve comes into your bedroom, unsure of whether to let him know you had practically heard their entire conversation. the mattress dips when he gets into bed, exhaling softly and making sure the blanket is covering both of you.

he sits in silence for a moment, you can feel his eyes burning into your face before he eventually settles in and lies back on the pillow.

‘are you mad at me?’ you squeak, gazing at him from tired eyes.

your voice startles him, so sure that you were still asleep but he answers quickly, ‘no, never,’ turning on his side to face you, inches from your face. it felt so intimate like this, vulnerable.

‘i heard what you said.. i’m sorry for..’ your bottom lip wobbles and you try hard to blink away the brimming tears, ‘for putting you through that.’

he’s immediately comforting you, placing a warm hand on your sodden cheek, ‘you’re okay.. it’s okay, you didn’t do anything,’ steve’s gut twisted, he hadn’t meant for you to hear any of it and the thought of you feeling guilty for eddie’s sake pricked at his heart.

you nod, not completely believing his words but for the sake of not causing a problem so early in the morning, deciding to just accept it. no matter how much it had been parroted to you, there was no accepting that none of this was your fault.

‘it’s just the way your brain is wired,’ dr. foster had said during one of your sessions, ‘but i’m here to make it all better,’ his eyes were narrowed, carefully watching you from his leather chair.

the memory alone makes you shudder, he’d been all for this authentic, organic approach.. hosting the sessions in his home and perhaps at times, becoming a little too familiar. his hand patting your knee as you spoke, asking creepy questions about your relationship with steve and overstepping a shit ton of boundaries. he had these icy blue eyes that lingered on yours for too long, there was something deeply unsettling about the way they narrowed when steve was mentioned. the utter anger they held when you brought up eddie. oh no, he really didn’t like eddie.

he’d been the one to suggest that you slow down with the letters to eddie, telling you that focusing on recovery was more important. it had worked in his favour anyway, the letters becoming the least of your concerns as you navigated recovery.

nonetheless, he didn’t last long. you were still in that mellow adjustment period, getting used to the meds when steve had informed you that dr. foster was no longer going to be your therapist. something about a conflict of schedules but you weren’t sure how true that really was.

it had been a few weeks since you’d last seen eddie, unsure of where he was or what trouble he’d gotten himself into. maybe even a minuscule part of you was hoping that he’d got himself arrested, at least that way you’d know he was safe inside and not wrecked in a ditch somewhere.

for the most part, you’d managed to put him to the back of your mind. it was only when things got quiet did you worry about him. deep down, you knew it was for the best. you couldn’t be around him without that niggling voice in the back of your head creeping back up. there was too much history there.

and steve had been so wonderful. you’re not sure you’d ever felt love like this. so transparent and pure, so void of expectations that he could see you at your worst and still be just as content to love you.

it all makes your heart ache, were you enough for steve even when you were like this? he had bore witness to the most horrific times of your life and yet, he’d be there everyday with a smile on his face and an open heart prepared for whatever that day may bring.

he’d taken the day off of work to purely spend it with you. granted, you’d only wanted to sit on the couch and watch a bunch of terrible movies with him but it was good enough. you’re not sure how long you’ve now been on this couch, but you knew it was late as the street lights glimmer that harsh orange through the blinds.

this film has you falling asleep, steve’s pick, obviously. you’d slid down the couch to rest your head on his lap, eyelids weighing heavy as sleep threatens to take over.

until you’re both startled by the incessant banging on the door, fist pummelling into the already brittle wood. your head snaps upward towards steve, pouting at the rude awakening. who on earth could find the need to pound the door at this time?

‘you expectin’ anyone?’ steve asks curiously, sliding your head from his thigh, very cautiously getting off of the couch to answer the door.

‘no? robin, maybe?’ unless robin had turned into a rabid zombie, you were sure it probably wasn’t her on the other side.

steve peers through the peep hole, seemingly taken aback but what or whoever he sees on the other side, ‘shit..’ cursing under his breath as he slides the chain from the door, opening it just slightly.

‘what?’ petrified by his reaction, sitting up on the couch to prepare for the impending insanity on the other side.

‘jesus man.. what are you doing here?’ he’s pushed aside as what looks like one eddie munson barges through the door, gasping for air and looking worse for wear.

he’s clutching his knees, doubled over as he tries to catch his breath, ‘i fucking.. ran the whole way here..’

if you’re being honest, he looks terrible. hair limp as it hangs around his face, clothes dirtied and you can’t see his face properly but you’re sure there’s a shiner of a bruise on his cheek.

‘what are you doing? what’s wrong?’ you fret, swinging your legs over the side of the couch as steve closes the door, bolting it up again in hopes that whatever eddie was running from was not following him.

he exhales before standing up straight, wiping the sweat from his forehead, ‘i need your help.. both of you,’ looking to steve who was stood with his hand on his hip, concerned about the inevitable mess eddie had just welcomed back into your lives.

‘why? where have you been?’

the last you’d heard from him, nancy had, very reluctantly, agreed to let him stay in their couch for a few days until he got himself sorted. but they’d woken up the next morning to find that he was no longer on said couch, not a trace of him left behind. he was completely unreachable, no phone, no idea where he had escaped off to and absolutely no one had seen or heard from him.

initially it had been a frenzy to try and find him until you collectively realised that he didn’t want to be found this time. and you had to mourn him all over again.

‘steve, d’you still know how to make fakes?’ completely ignoring your question, blinking at a puzzled steve.

your eyes flit to steve, unaware that he apparently had a history in counterfeit goods. perhaps a crucial bit of information he’d glossed over there.

‘not anymore.. what the fuck do you need that for?’

‘you know anyone that does? i’m desperate man.. i- i’ll pay,’ eddie pants, ‘name your price,’ chest heaving as he stands in the middle of your living room. he felt out of place here now, stuck out like a sore thumb.

steve ponders for a second, ‘uhh.. i dunno, maybe.. what’ve you done?’ sighing softly.

‘i need to leave the country.. i fucked up.. big time,’ eyes flitting to you with a certain sadness. even now, he didn’t want to disappoint you yet it seemed to be all he could do.

‘what’ve you done?’ you press, chewing on the inside of your cheek. mind running to the worst possibly conclusion. murder wasn’t out of the equation if you were honest.

eddie runs a dirtied, ringed hand over his face, ‘you know how i’m kinda s’posed to be in jail right now?’ it was already glaringly obvious that he hadn’t been released early.

‘yeah..’

‘well, i uh- i paid some guys off, they said they could get me out.. get me away from here,’ only now is he realising how fucking stupid that sounded.

‘eddie.. what?’ you exclaim, astonished by the sheer stupidity he constantly displayed. you’d thought that maybe he’d have learnt something from jail, that was the point of it, wasn’t it? learn from your mistakes and better yourself.

‘look, it doesn’t matter.. they’re asking for more money and i don’t have it,’ he says exasperated, ‘i need to disappear.. just for a little while, til they forget about it,’ eyes steady on you, as if to seek your approval.

you blink, where was he even planning to go? were you just never going to see him again?

‘i can’t get you outta the country but.. i might have a friend that can help,’ steve’s voice pipes up, tearing your eyes from eddie to look at him.

‘how?’ you exclaim, wondering what other things he had kept secret from you.

‘my friend’s out in california.. i think he’d put you up there,’ nodding at eddie, he probably didn’t deserve this kindness but steve couldn’t just leave him stranded. there was too much history to ever turn his back on his friend, even now, after everything, he was still holding his hand out for eddie.

‘that’d be.. fuck, that’d be.. good,’ eddie nods along, appreciative of anything you could do for him. turning to meet your gaze once more.

he knows this is it.

there wasn’t any coming back from this. no next time. it was california or it was death. and he sure as shit wasn’t a fan of the second option.

you think, deep down, that you know it too.

the likelihood of seeing him again is next to nothing. if he didn’t get himself killed, he’d certainly never be coming back here. this wasn’t for him, never had been really. well, maybe once upon a time when you looked at him without that sadness in your eye it had been.

when he thought back to it, he was sure the he knew you’d never loved him, he’d just been pretending for so long that his mind had played tricks on him, made him believe it. that’s why he’d lashed out that night, he’d convinced himself that you were in love with him. but you weren’t, and his heart had realised that fact quicker than his head had.

steve disappears into your bedroom in search of his phone, leaving you two alone in the living room. everything you want to say stays unsaid. heavy as it lingers between you. there’s not really much you can say in this moment that wouldn’t make things worse.

instead, you just nod.

as if to say that he could go. he could let you go.

eddie understands. but he’s not sure he ever will.

#steve harrington #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x you #steve stranger things #steve harrington angst #steve harrington x y/n #stranger things x you #steve harrington fic #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington smut #eddie munson #eddie munson angst #eddie munson x reader

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kasagia · 2 years

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My (and your) tears ricochet

Pairing: Klaus Mikaelson x reader Summary: You and Klaus have a difficult relationship. For 500 years, you bond, break up, and get back together, being both your worst nightmares and your longed-for dreams. But after Lucien bites you and you die in Klaus' arms, the true feelings of your "lover" come out. And you're as delighted as devastated. Warning(s): angst, de@th, mourn, mentions of depression/mental breakdown, vampire violence, a bit of comfort at the end Word count: 5k+ Inspired by: "My tears ricochet" - Taylor Swift

We gather here, we line up, weepin' in a sunlit room

I never thought this would be my end. Killed by one of Klaus' many enemies because I rushed to save the love of my life. An Y/N from 200 years ago would have laughed in my face for my own stupidity.

To die for Klaus Mikaelson - the enemy of my family, the bane of my existence, and the only one I ever truly desired.

It would have been as improbable to my past self as the entire Mikaelson family mourning me with my sister Katherine by their side.

Yet I was here. In the spirit world, watching the original vampires and Kath line up in front of my coffin, they silently watched the sunlight illuminate my gray, lifeless face.

Maybe Klaus was supposed to be my undoing after all.

At least Katerina put me in a nice dress.

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me?

Involuntarily, I began to reminisce about the events leading up to my unexpected death, as I was looking at Klaus' stone, emotionless face.

"What? I betrayed you?! I should've seen that coming. After everything I do and sacrifice for you, you still can't trust me, can you? I'll never be your precious Camille."

"Don't bring her to this! I'll ask you just once more and for your own good, love, tell me the truth. Did you tell Aurora about her?!"

"No Klaus. I didn't tell your psychopathic ex that you were fucking your therapist. You have to find someone else to blame for her death."

"I didn't fuck with her."

"And I don't care."

I turned away from him to leave his studio, but the man grabbed my arm in a strong, aching grip, effectively stopping me. I turned to meet his furious gaze again.

"We're not finished."

"YES, WE ARE! I'm so done with being a toy you can throw out and take back whenever you want! I deserve something more than a hybrid who has an existential problem with himself and thousands of enemies on his back. I'm done with you and whatever is between us. You're not worthy of my time, and I'm so dumb to believe that you can feel something more than anger or a desire for power. Mikael was right about you. You're just a scared boy who is pushing everyone away from you because you're too afraid of being betrayed."

I burst out, fed up with his sick attitude. From the moment I arrived at his call, he treated me with fucking hostility and distance. After everything we've been through together, I didn't deserve to be treated like a traitor.

At least that's what I told myself to keep from falling apart, seeing the complete lack of love for me in his captivating eyes, which I loved as much as the day we first met.

"Calm down. I've killed people for lesser slander. You're lucky you're still breathing, love." he whispered, placing his hand on my neck and squeezing it lightly to remind me that he could end my life at any moment. Good thing I was never afraid of him.

"And you're lucky to still have someone by your side after hurting your whole family again and again. This killing of everyone out of fear that someone would dare lay hand on you is pathetic. And as you can see, it doesn't quite work well." I snarled, yanking my arm out of his grip and walking away from the even angrier man than before.

After all, the one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest. This was always our guiding principle whenever we argued and broke up for a couple of decades.

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you 'Til my dying day

"Are you leaving so soon, sister? You just came." Katherine asked as I ran down the stairs towards the exit of the mansion.

"Well, apparently my presence is not needed here. In the house of the great Klaus Mikaelson, there is no place for vile traitors and untrustworthy whores."

"You can not fool me! I know what you really think and feel. And I sympathize with you with all my heart. You're making the right choice, little sister. He is not worthy of your love."

"I didn't ask for your opinion." I growled, unable to bear what she was saying and knowing that it was true.

"You still love him... after everything he has done, after he pretended to be with this bartander and broke your heart..."

"Once again. I didn't ask about your opinion, Katerina." I interrupted her to hurry out of the house. If I had known then that this would be one of our last conversations…

And you're the hero flying around, saving face

"What the hell do you think you're doing?! Lucien is running around trying to get to my loved ones at all costs, and you're taking bloody walks around New Orleans?!" Klaus was yelling at me after he pushed me against the wall of one of the alleys.

"You just answered yourself. Lucien is after your loved ones, and I am not one of them."

"Stupid woman, can't you see how much you mean to me?!"

"You've shown me this for the last fucking weeks by flirting with Aurora and playing Camille's damn boyfriend!"

"I did it to protect you!"

"Not telling me anything, keeping me like a prisoner in your house, and treating me worse than an enemy - this is what you call a fucking protection?!"

"How else was I supposed to keep you from participating in a war that wasn't yours and keep you safe at the same time?!"

"It would be too easy to let me know your plans, wouldn't it?"

"Can't you understand that I can't let anything happen to you?! That losing you too will be the final nail in my coffin!"

Suddenly, a strange, disturbing feeling came over me.

"Klaus."

"No. Let me finally end this and tell what's should be told 500 houndreds bloody years ago." Completely unable to focus on Klaus' words, I glanced over to see what was going on behind him. Lucien pointed the pistol at him with a smirk. Whatever was loaded into the gun, it couldn't end well. "Y/N, I love…"

The shot drowned out what he wanted to say. In an instant, I switched places with him, taking a shot at myself. I gasped as I felt my cool blood begin to ooze from the newly formed wound. My gaze, however, stayed hard on Klaus' terrified eyes.

Lucien's venom.

"Y/N!" his scream managed to cut through my dazed body before I collapsed limply on top of him, sinking into the enticing, blissful darkness.

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring

"I don't see a bit of sense in what we're doing." Klaus whined as we walked along the lakeshore. Every now and then I would stop to pick up a nicer pebble and put it in one of our pouches.

"Don't be grumpy, old man. Had you never done this when you were a child?"

"We had other activities. Hunting, learning to fight, mother being one of the more ambitious decided to teach us to read and write - looking at Elijah, one of her worst ideas. We had all kinds of holidays, but we never did something as stupid as collecting useless stones."

"My God, you're worse than Katerina. Shouldn't you, as an artist, see beauty even in something as simple as stone? Besides, what if we happen to come across a diamond thrown away by some rich aristocrat's angry mistress? I'm about to waste my chance at finding a ridiculously expensive gem just because you're particularly cranky today." I asked indignantly, pulling him closer to me and smirking as I waited for his response.

"Your overactive imagination worries me sometimes. Also, I'm capable of giving you your own diamond if you want." he replied, unconvinced, staring at me with feigned concern. Sparks of amusement shone in his mesmerizingly beautiful eyes.

"As far as I remember, my imagination didn't bother you last night. You actually complimented it a lot."

"I won't answer that, just because, apparently, I'm the only one in our humble company who cares about a little tact."

"Well… you weren't last night." I kissed him briefly and run away from him laughing.

"Come here, you little tempting, irritating thing!" he shouted, chasing after me with his own smirk.

He grabbed me, pulling my back to his chest. I started laughing even more as he started placing small kisses down my neck.

"I can give you every little diamond ring you want. Just say a word." he whispered in my ear, nuzzling my jaw with his nose.

You know I didn't want to have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene

Consciousness slowly began to return to my body. I felt like I was in a sea of verbena. Every little muscle burned with hellish pain.

I must have been in hell.

"Not yet, love. I won't let you get away from me that easily. You must fight." his voice instantly brought me back.

I struggled to open my eyes, hissing at the blinding sunlight. The man sitting by my bed rushed to the windows, covering them, before immediately returning to sit by my side. I felt a sudden pressure on my skull. I angrily pushed his hand away, severing the connection between us.

"Get out of my mind." I wheezed, wincing as I heard my hoarse voice. The hybrid, undaunted by my condition, moved closer to me and handed me a glass of blood from the bedside table.

"Make me, love. I dare you." he whispered as he watched me greedily drink the red liquid.

He helped me hold the glass in my hand, embracing it and stroking it tenderly with his thumb. Had it not been for the knowledge that I would die in a few hours, I might have found the whole scene romantic.

"You know that even if you throw me a thousand challenges, you won't keep me for long. I'm gonna die, Klaus. Like Finn and Cami."

"NO. I will not let you. I'll go to Lucien and snatch this damned cure from his throat."

"Klaus, I'm already dead. There is no need…" he cut me off, tangling his hand in my hair to pull me into a desperate, demanding, needy kiss.

I let the warmth of his lips touch me one last time, letting a soft moan escape my throat as the emotions I felt became too much for me to hide any longer. He grabbed my waist, pulling me to him so that I was sitting on his lap. We broke apart. I leaned my head against his forehead, staring into his tear-filled eyes.

"You can't leave me. Not like that."

"I guess I don't have much choice." I whispered in a trembling voice, stroking his cheek tenderly, trying to wipe the tears from his eyes. "Klaus? Earlier in this alley, before all this happened, You said you love me. I…" he didn't let me finish by pressing his lips against mine again.

"You can say you love me tomorrow. You won't die today, love." he kissed my forehead and left in such a hurry that I couldn't even try to talk him out of the stupid idea of chasing Lucien.

I could only hope he wouldn't do something stupid and share my fate.

You wear the same jewels that I gave you As you bury me

The funeral was not extraordinary or grand. By Mikaelson's standards, it was quite modest and therefore more personal. It was good to know they'd miss my presence, but I couldn't focus on anyone but Klaus.

He was strangely calm. Emotionless, expressionless. Like a dead sculpture. My concern for the vampire only increased when I saw the necklace (which I gave him for his 1,000th birthday) with the pendant of a wolf howling at the moon hanging proudly from his neck, gleaming in the sunlight. His blue eyes stared blankly at my coffin, which they were hiding in the crypt.

Somewhere in the distance, I could hear Katerina and Rebekah crying.

However, the one person I cared about and worried about ever since I left the world of the living spent the entire funeral in astonishing silence.

It was at that moment that I knew he wouldn't accept my departure so easily.

I smiled as I saw Elijah come over to comfort him afterward. My smile faded as the hybrid growled aggressively at him, shoved his brother away, and ran to a place only known to him.

It must have been harder for him than he dared show anyone.

"Please, let one of his siblings be able to get to him. Despite his best efforts to keep them at a distance."

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

If I thought the funeral was hard for Klaus, then the wake must be his true hell.

Most of the originals have recovered by now, sitting in their living room sipping drinks, recalling all the funny, sad, and crazy things that had to do with me.

I thought it would somehow ease his pain.

Katerina seemed a little cheerier as she talked about all the compromising situations that WERE SUPPOSED to go with me to the grave. But I couldn't really blame her. I would probably do the same in the reverse situation.

It was Kol who unwittingly unleashed the storm.

"Remember when Nik tried to propose to her in the 19th century, here in New Orleans?" my heart and the whole world around me stopped for a moment. Propose?

"What?! How?" my sister's surprised exclamation perfectly reflected my current state. I had no idea that idea could ever enter his head.

"He has had hundreds of attempts over the centuries, but at this time most of us thought he'd finally made it." a single tear escaped my eye as I lamented the future that would never happen. "I even spent all of my money from the safe in Chicago because Nik had planned to…"

The sound of shattering glass echoed through the room, silencing the original. Everyone's attention shifted to Klaus, who had shards of glass stuck in his hands. A trickle of blood began to form from his hand, staining the chair and the carpet beneath it.

"I have enough of this pathetic show." he snarled, brushing off the shards of glass as he walked away to his art studio. Rebekah and Elijah didn't give up so easily, catching up with him on the stairs.

"Is that how your life will look now? You'll growl at us every time we mention Y/…"

"DON'T EVEN DARE SAY HER NAME!" he burst out, running to his studio. Elijah gave his sister a knowing look and returned to the living room, letting her do her thing.

Rebekah and I followed the hybrid, finding him in the middle of the ruined room, weeping over one of my portraits that had miraculously survived the crash. The blonde kneeled, hugging her brother and combing his hair comfortingly.

"Oh, Nik. That pain will never go away if you don't accept…"

"I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS!" he wrenched himself free from her grip, wary of the painting. "And this damn witch knew it! She enchanted me the first time I saw her. She put a dark spell on me, so I never found any other woman even a little bit as attractive as her. She is my heart, my half soul, my happiness, my sadness, and my madness, and now… now she is gone. And will be my curse for the rest of my life, Rebekah. Nothing can change that, especially not passing time, because every second, every minute, every hour, and every day without her by my side is meaningless."

"But you two were apart before, and you never acted like that, Nik."

"It was easier to let her go knowing she was happy and safe rather than cold and dead in some bloody tomb."

"And what about Hope? Your daughter, remember? You must be strong for her."

"Maybe it would have been better if she had never known the wasted shell I became after SHE left."

The blast of air (and all that mess) was all he left behind. Rebekah hesitantly reached for my portrait, staring at it with tears in her eyes.

However, it may not be so easy to let me go for all of them.

And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home

"You just beat yourself up more. By the way, he himself too." Cami's voice came from behind me. I turned to face her, leaving the hybrid alone with my crypt for a moment.

"I thought it was healthy to grieve a little over someone's death."

"Yes, but what you two are doing is obsessive and bordering on pre-depressive. You must let him go. And he you. Holding on to him will get you nowhere. If you don't want peace yet, you might as well travel to other places. You can go anywhere you want."

"Anywhere I want, just not home." I muttered bitterly, looking at the hybrid sitting across from my grave and sipping a bottle of bourbon.

"I don't think I can do anything here. Just remember you have a choice, okay?"

"You're going to find peace?"

"Yes, and don't make me wait there alone for long. Watching them won't help you. I'm so sorry, Y/N." she gave me one last comforting, sad smile and turned to leave.

"Good luck, Camille!" I called after her and turned on my way, approaching Klaus again.

"For you too. I hope you'll find your peace." I heard before the blonde was gone for good.

"I already did." I murmured, grabbing Klaus' hand, enjoying the slim chance of being close to him. At the very least, I could fool myself into thinking I was still with him.

Because the truth was that I would never find my peace without him.

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones

Klaus had slept for a week and stayed only in my bedroom, occasionally popping up to visit my grave. With a heavy heart, I laid down next to him on my bed, watching him sleep peacefully, hugging my pillow, and inhaling my scent left on it.

Involuntarily, I remembered my last hours in this bed.

"I will kill anyone you thought was your friend. I will tear out their throats and hearts one by one and torture them until they feel half as much pain as I will feel. I'll make this whole bloody world go up in flames, and it'll never rise from its fall, and neither will I if you leave me."

"Were you always so dramatic, or did it just happen in your old age?" I taunted, taking a sip of water to cover up my earlier sudden coughing fit from him. But I doubt I'll be able to explain the blood on the mirror if he looks in the bathroom when he returns.

"I'm not joking, love. If you die before I find a cure, I'll follow you straight to hell and drag you back with me. No one and nothing can take you from me."

"I'd find it romantic if you didn't presume that I'm the spawn of the devil. What if I'm an angel in disguise?"

"Then they did a fantastic job of camouflaging you. I have to go now, love. You have one task: Don't die. Can you do it?"

"I'll try. Nik, I lo..." he hung up before I could finish. "I love you, Nik." I whispered to myself, trying my hardest to control the sudden dizziness.

Klaus, whatever you're doing, please do it faster.

And I still talk to you (When I'm screaming at the sky) And when you can't sleep at night (You hear my stolen lullabies)

"I think you should go in the red one. This color has always suited you." I mumbled as I stood next to my sister and watched her look at herself in the mirror.

At one point, she sighed resignedly, falling onto the bed where Rebekah was sitting. The blonde pulled away from the phone, glancing at the doppelgänger.

"What's wrong with you this time? We went through all our wardrobes, and you didn't pick anything? You always look stunning, just go for something."

"Usually, it was Y/N who helped me choose a dress for a date."

The deafening silence that filled the room probably hurt me more than it hurt them. How I would love to be there with them.

"I'm… I'm sorry."

"You don't have to. How could you know? I just… really miss her."

"Yeah. Me too. All of us do."

"I'd probably borrow something from her if she was still here and if Klaus wasn't guarding her room like a vault."

"Speaking of him, I should probably check on him. If you can hear me in any way, take the little red one. Elijah will be delighted." I said getting out of bed and heading to my bedroom. I've probably spent more time in it as a ghost than a vampire.

I entered the room, neatly dodging the piles of books and clothes that Klaus had scattered around, looking for things that still smelled of me. I dreaded thinking what he would do when they were gone. Maybe he'll be in the mood to use my perfume instead and go outside? It was the best scenario.

I sighed, recognizing his curled form on the bed. He was wearing my favorite sweatpants and a (too big for me) sweatshirt. I was a little scared that he could easily fit into my clothes. Several bottles of alcohol and bags of blood were placed next to him. At least he was feeding. I sat next to him, running my hand through his hair (pretending to do so).

"I know it's hard for you and that you can't move on; come to terms with what happened. I'd probably be in much worse shape if I couldn't hear you, see your ridiculously handsome face. But you are stronger than me. Much stronger. You have to get out of this. For yourself, for your siblings, for Hope… for me." I began to cry, trying to somehow hug the also weeping hybrid. "I'm so sorry, Nik."

Suddenly, a very angry Hayley burst into the room with a nervous Elijah behind her.

"KLAUS! That's enough! You have to get yourself in order and get out of this hole. It will be best if you go for a walk with YOUR DAUGHTER. Do you still remember her? Hope misses you and has been restless for several weeks. I can't calm her down, so do your fatherly duty and move your ass, or I'll do it for you."

"Go away." he mumbled, not even looking up since they came in.

The brunette snorted, trying to take my blanket from him, which covered him. As soon as her hands were on the material, the hybrid growled, snatching it from her hands and pinning the woman by the neck to the wall.

"Touch her stuff again, and I'll make it the last thing you do in your miserable, meaningless life."

"Niklaus! Let her go!" I screamed along with Elijah. Klaus ignored his brother, only tightening his grip on the barely alive woman.

"Do you think Y/N would want you to kill your baby's mother?"

Luckily, this convinced the hybrid. He released Hayley from his grip and shoved them both out of the room, locking the door behind them. He threw himself heavily on the bed, inhaling my scent to calm himself down. After a while, tears started flowing from his eyes.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

The worst thing about this illness wasn't the debilitating pain. Loneliness was the worst.

Each of the Mikaelsons and Katerina were involved in obtaining the cure. They still had hope. But I resigned myself to my fate the moment Lucien's venom pierced my body with a wooden ball.

That didn't mean I wanted to die alone.

As if on cue, Katerina burst into my room and sat on the bed next to me. I could see her lips move, but I couldn't hear a sound in the world. It wasn't until she poured a glass of cold water over me that my complete consciousness returned to me.

"Are you crazy?!" I shouted. "If you want to get me to my grave faster, there are other ideas." Katerina stopped laughing and suddenly tensed up, glaring reproachfully at me.

"Don't even dare say that. You're not going to die, do you understand? Klaus is getting a cure right now. You will recover. I promise." she said, grabbing my hand and planting a kiss on my forehead, brushing sweaty, wet strands of hair out of my eyes.

"You may be the best liar that ever walked on this earth, but I always knew when you were lying."

"I'm glad I'm not doing it this time. You'll see, you'll be cruising around again in a few hours, avoiding Klaus' argument about obeying his orders."

"At least when I go to hell, I'll meet our father and kick his ass for separating you from Nadia. Maybe Mikael and Dahlia will be on my hit list too." I mumbled, giving in after several hours to the urge to close my eyes. Then I felt that I had been shivering with fever all this time.

"Y/N, open your eyes. You've got to open your eyes for me, just for a little while longer. Please, Y/N."

"We should saddle our horses today and take a ride to the lake. We haven't done that for a long time."

"We'll go to Bulgaria I promise, just open your eyes for me. Molya te, sestrichke otvori ochi."

"Obicham te Katerina." I whispered, feeling the last bloody tears fall from my eyes.

"Y/N! Wake up! Freya!" Katherine screamed in panic, trying to wake me up by shaking my shoulders.

The next few minutes were weightless as I waited to pass into the ghost world. With the remnants of my ebbing life, I felt the commotion around my bed. The bitter liquid was forced down my throat, and someone clenched my jaw to make sure I didn't spit out the horrible liquid. In the background, I could still hear Freya and Davina mumbling, Katerina and Rebekah crying, and Klaus screaming in rage before I was swallowed up in pain-relieving darkness for good.

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed You turned into your worst fears And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain Crossing out the good years And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet

It's been a month and a half since my death, and Klaus has made one small, significant progress. He didn't throw his fangs at anyone who so much as uttered my name. After the attack on Hayley, he had controlled his aggression and was not a relative danger to society. Well… at least not more than usual.

I, on the other hand, felt much better than a months ago. My vampire speed somehow reactivated, saving me from chasing the rushing original for half a day. Also, watching my loved ones brought me some relief. Only Klaus was still stuck in place, unable to let me go.

Hayley and Freya joined forces to talk some sense into him and set him on the right path. But even their best efforts could not change the stubborn hybrid's mind.

That's how I got here. At my grave, watching Klaus clean it and add new flowers, throwing out the ones that had faded since his visit yesterday. I got more flowers from him after I died than I've had in 500 goddamn years.

He usually worked in silence, occasionally humming some old song I made him sing ages ago when I was upset. He has always had a wonderful voice.

But today, after a particularly bad fight with Hayley, Elijah, and Freya, he sat on the bench in front of my tombs and did something he hadn't done before. He was talking to me (or rather, to a stone slab with my name on it, but still).

"I know you wouldn't approve of my behavior. I know you would yell at me and get angry. My gods, I never imagined that I would miss it so much. I really wish I could be there for Hope, but I can't. I can't let her see me like this. Even if she's so little now. I know she needs me, but... everyone I love is dying. And I can't let anyone else die again because of me. Especially not my daughter. I want her to live. I want her to grow up. I want her to love, even if it brings you pain and sadness. Be a strong and beautiful woman, as you and her mother. I don't know what to do, Y/N. And I really wish that you were here to tell me, my little vampire."

A fountain of tears spilled from both his and my eyes. For the first time today, I reached for him, pulling him to me in a poor imitation of a hug.

The hybrid jumped up from the bench in fear, staring shocked and suspiciously at the place he had recently occupied. My heart beat faster. Did he? No. It is impossible. Klaus has the same incredulous look as mine. But what if…

"Y/N?" for the first time in these long, cold months, I shed a wave of relief tears. I sat there in shock, staring at the uncertain hybrid with unimaginable happiness. He could feel me. Like I him. "Please, show me it's you, and I'm not delusional."

I rushed over to him, hugging him with all my might. The hybrid almost knocked us to the ground. He probably didn't hear my loud laugh because he would have looked a little more offended than full of disbelief and happiness.

"I'll recognize that smell anywhere. Cruel woman, if you really are just a figment of my imagination and I make a fool of myself by running to my siblings with this, then know that I will meet you soon in hell and will not let your soul depart from me again." I slapped his shoulder for saying such nonsense, and he just laughed, gropingly trying to pull me closer to his chest.

I allowed myself, for the first time in months, to sink into the blissful feel of his warm skin. We needed a moment to ourselves before he shared this discovery with Freya, and their next fight to retrieve me from death's clutches began. For now, I enjoyed Klaus' clinginess.

"Don't even think that I'll deprive you of your touch for a moment. I'm going to hold you until the end of the bloody world." he whispered, moving around me from memory to put his chin on top of my head after he kissed me there softly.

It sounded good. But I knew it wouldn't be enough for us for long.

417 notes · View notes

charitytitter · 2 months

Text

Relapse, back to normal

Alright, so, this is going to be the last post of a personal nature. Recap: I am an adult with BiPolar. I am considered high-functioning enough that I have gone for long stretches without treatment (eg. no medication... but I still see a psychiatrist regularly). A number of weeks ago, I accepted a job, doing something completely outside of my wheelhouse. After two weeks of training, it became clear to me, that I did not have the mental nor emotional fortitude to handle this new role, and also maintain my mental health... at least not without treatment. So I spoke with my Psych about medication, and got started on it. Within 24 hours of starting the medication I had a Manic Episode, the likes of which I had never experienced. On top of the Manic episode, I also began experiencing aggressive heart palpitations (it was not an anxiety/panic attack, I have had enough panic/anxiety attacks in my life to know the differences... and when I eventually landed in the hospital, the EKG/ECG proved the heart anomalies were very real). Amidst the Physical and Mental breakdown, I had to resign from the job. Between the stress of the job, and the bad reaction to the meds... I had not slept for 7 days, and physically I could not even drive myself to the Doctor. It was during the stress and mental uncertainty of this scenario that I made a decision to de-porn my life. (I also made a decision to reconnect with my estranged father, a decision which, while impulsive, turned out very well, and I am very happy that I reached out to him). In hindsight. I view a lot of the decisions that I made, to be impulsive, and not from a place of mental clarity. I was essentially operating under a medication induced mental duress. Once I was taken off the medication, everything began to improve and go back to normal. I can sleep 6-8 hours a night again, the heart palpitations have stopped, I can drive, I can think straight, and my sex-drive has returned. I realize that the judgments I was casting upon myself were, not only coming from the fog of bad medication + lack of sleep, but they were judgments that were not my own, judgments projected onto me from past partners, and from an unaccepting society. Pornstars are people. Sex work is real work. Erotic art, is real art too. Some people end their day by cuddling and having sex with a partner. Some people read a book. Some people play videogames until they fall asleep at their desk. Some people drink a 6-pack of beer every night, or an entire bottle of wine. Some people binge watch TV until they fall asleep. I used to invite my girlfriend over for (mutual); cuddles, backrubs, scalp massages, sex, and TV watching... and that was enough to put me to sleep. Then I got dumped... Now I wind-down by watching paid porn actors, act-out some of the intimate things I used to do with my partner while I vape weed and reminisce about how nice it was to be in a relationship. No matter how shitty a day I've had. It's the one thing I can do at the end of the day, that consistently relaxes me and puts me in a position to get a good night's sleep. Is it ideal? Of course not. Ideal, for me, would be falling asleep next to a partner. But I don't have a partner. And until I do. Who am I, or anyone else, to pass judgement upon the coping mechanism that I am employing to get me through the night? I am thankful that my sex-drive came back. I am thankful that my coping mechanism hurts no one. I am hopeful that someday I will find a partner that accepts me for who I am, perceived flaws & all. Loves me when I'm at my best, and when I'm at my worst. Until I do, I will cope.

#relapse #hope

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ronance4everbrainrot · 1 year

Text

Since I've read some of my other incorrect quotes stuff I wanted to make another one with the adults so

Stranger Things incorrect quotes generator (feat. Robin+ the Adults, +Bonus)

Pt. 18

Murray and Robin

Murray: Give me everything you’ve got!

Robin: All your friends secretly hate you.

Murray: Wait, what?

Robin: I’ve got anxiety.

(Oof. I feel that)

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Murray, texting Robin: Text me when you’re home safely.

Robin: I’m home dangerously.

Murray: Stop it.

Robin: I’m home lethally.

(Just some more modern AU fun)

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Robin: You know me, Murray, I don’t take any shit. You know what I say to my haters?

Murray: What?

Robin: I say: “Please don’t hate me, I’m really nice.”

(she is really nice. But she would fight you if you insult one of her friends)

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Robin: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?

Murray: Your life?

Robin: I- well yes, but-

(More like my room. It's very messy. And oof)

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Murray: Look, Robin, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

(well a lot is happening rn so let her be)

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Robin: Surgery is basically just stabbing someone to life.

Murray: Please never become a surgeon.

(I think she'd hate it anyway)

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Murray: I don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are.

Robin: Okay?

Murray: …

Murray: Actually it’s gonna bug me if I don’t, so—

(You know. The longest he has not told her how wrong she was, was only 5 minutes)

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Robin: You know what I’ve realized?

Murray: Some thoughts are better left unsaid?

Robin: Nice try, anyways-

(he is getting tired of telling her she's wrong lol)

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Robin: Don’t trust everything you see on the internet.

Murray: Pfft. What possibly nonsense could come from the internet? Oh. Did you know that the Earth is actually flat?

Robin: *Takes away Murray’s phone* Yeah, that enough for you.

(omg no. He has discovered the false conspiracy theories. This is gonna take a bit of arguing and debating with Robin to get him back to reality)

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Robin: Awww, why don't you like cats, Murray? They're just snuggly buddies! They have toe beans! They make a little blep! What's not to love??

Murray: I don't know Robin, I just prefer to be conscious instead of dead on the floor.

Robin:

Murray: I'm ALLERGIC.

(Robin is a golden retriever that loves cats. You know the black cat, golden retriever thing. And Nancy is the black cat that loves dogs. You know with Max's dog. Love that scene)

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Robin: I love you.

Murray: How many people have you said that to?

Robin: Everyone.

Murray: What?

Robin: I told everyone that I love you.

(After she got officially adopted, she loves to say she loves her dad, again. Also her dad and Murray would have gotten along well. Because I say so)

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[Karen and Robin]

Robin: I have an idea.

Karen: A good idea?

Robin: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

(Robin in that Halloween story)

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Robin: Please, Karen, after everything we’ve been through together. You can’t do this.

Karen: I’m sorry Robin.

Robin: I’m begging you. Don’t do it.

Karen: It has to be done.

Robin:

Karen:

Robin:

Karen: *Places +4* Uno.

(just some game night with the family playing Uno. And Robin thinks Karen doesn't like her because of that)

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Karen: Why do you think I don’t like you? I do. I would kill for you.

Karen: Ask me to kill for you.

Robin: ...First of all, calm down-

(Oop, that escalated quickly.)

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Karen: Why don’t you go talk to them?

Robin, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure.

Karen: What? So you go tell them they’re cute, what’s the worst that could happen?

Robin: They could hear me.

(Robin accidentally mentions she has a crush, while they had a little party with the party)

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Robin, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.

Karen: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.

(Robin drank a bit too much and stayed over)

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Robin, playing a video game: This game is so frustrating! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

Karen: Ok, I think it’s time to turn off the game for a little while.

Robin: But I’m having fun!

(I feel that. I am it. It is me)

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Robin: You know, you were right.

Karen: About what specifically? Because I’m right about a lot of things.

(Probably about the game)

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Robin: Dinosaurs aren't extinct. I mean, Ted is walking in this room.

Karen: *wheeze*

(I don't know how dinosaurs are an insult but ok. Just wanted to bring Ted in for the transition)

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[Ted and Robin]

Robin, handing a balloon to Ted: I have no soul. Have a good day!

Ted, walking off: I don't have one either.

(I mean that man is literally Ted. That is what he would respond)

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Ted: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing their name to Robin.

(Robin annoys him every chance she gets)

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Robin: Guess what I'm about to get!

Ted: On my nerves.

(yes)

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Robin: :)

Ted: >:(

Robin: Turn that frown upside down!

Ted: ):<

Robin: Not sure what I was expecting...

(Me neither)

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Ted: There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand.

Robin: I photosynthesize with this.

(she knows big words but she just says stuff like that to annoy him lol)

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Robin: Go big or go home!

Ted: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home.

Robin: I'm going big!

(he just wants his peace. Poor Ted lol)

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Robin: I’m serious! They’re watching me! They’ve even got an agent following me! Don’t you believe me?

Ted: Look, it’s not that I don’t believe you… It’s that I don’t believe you and I don’t care.

(he doesn't care. And he doesn't believe her. He is just annoyed)

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Ted: Knock, knock.

Robin: Who's there?

Ted: Boo!

Robin: Boo who?

Ted: Why are you crying?

Robin: I'm not crying.

Ted: Hello notcrying, I'm Ted.

(He wanted to annoy her back once and pulled a dad joke since his kids hated them. But jokes on him. She also makes dad jokes they bonded over it somehow. Just a little bit)

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Robin, holding a scooter: Ted! Can I go outside and play with this?

Ted: Sure, whatever. I'm not your parent, okay?

Robin, running outside: Thanks Ted!

Ted, running out after them and screaming: NOT ON THE STREET! STAY AWAY!

(omg. He does care)

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Ted: What do you want for breakfast, Robin?

Robin: Gay Cheerios.

Ted: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING FRUIT LOOPS THAT!!

(Ted is not homophobic. He just doesn't give a fuck. Any Robin just loves to annoy him. Also he doesn't really yell or scream he just says it with a very frustrated voice. Also Holly picks up on Robin's jokes and also calls them gay Cheerios. She just likes to copy Robin)

(lol just realized gay Cheerios is basically the Unholy Trinity from Glee. Love them)

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[Joyce and Robin]

Joyce: *Turns on the kitchen light*

Robin: *Sitting at the table, eating bread*

Joyce: It’s four in the morning.

Robin: Turn the light back off.

(this is funny. Also Robin couldn't sleep so she went to the kitchen eating one of her comfort foods. ✨🥖Bread🥖✨)

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Joyce: Robin, can I ask you a question?

Robin: Sure, anything.

Joyce: Why don't you go back to your own house and leave us alone?

(Robin wants to steal Will lol. Like in the last one. And when the Byers moved back she was there a lot with Murray tho.)

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Joyce: We all have our demons.

Joyce, grabbing Robin: This one’s mine!

(trying to steal her son)

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Joyce: Hey, what’s the name of the guy who lives down the hall?

Robin: His cats' names are Walter and Rose.

Joyce: That's not what I asked.

Robin: That is all the information I have.

(The Byers visiting Robin in her new apartment)

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Robin: Can we get a birthday cake?

Joyce: It’s not your birthday.

Robin: The cake won’t know!

(Robin wants a cake for the little apartment tour/party)

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Joyce: Robin, why does your bucket list have ‘Die’ on it?

Robin: So I can die feeling at least a little bit accomplished.

(Joyce noticed it in Robin's bedroom when she was looking around. Also oof. But smart. I need to write it down)

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Robin: Don’t mansplain this to me!

Joyce: Wh- I’m a woman! I can't mansplain anything to you!

Robin: …Well, I’m a feminist, and I believe a woman can do anything a man does!

(I just found the quote funny)

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Robin: Hostage or not, sometimes it’s nice being held.

Joyce: Are you okay.

(talking about the time with the Russians)

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Joyce: Life could be worse, Robin.

Robin: Life could be a lot better too!

(so true. So true)

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Joyce: How would you rate your pain?

Robin: 0/10. Would not recommend.

(yeah. Like not at all good 👎)

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Robin: If bees can be fish and boys can be girls, then why can't my mom love me?

Joyce: I thought I was going to have to yell at you, but now I think I should hug you.

(yes Qvq give her a hug)

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[+Hopper]

Robin, to Joyce: If you see Hopper, give them this message *makes a neutral face*

Robin: They'll know what it means.

*later*

Joyce: oh, and Robin said to give you a message.

Joyce: *makes a neutral face*

Hopper: Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure.

(he's seen it a lot when he was at Murray's... The reason is still unknown 👀)

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Hopper: Nothing feels better than winning Monopoly. Not love, not sex, not free pizza, nothing!

Robin: I’m sorry, have you tried pizza?

Hopper: Yes, and it doesn’t compare to owning half the board and watching the light die from your friend’s eyes as you take their money and feel your friendship slowly deteriorate.

Joyce: I like you.

(jopper UwU yay. Also oof and yes same)

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Hopper: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm Bisexual right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.

Robin:

Robin: I like you.

(omg Hopper is Bi 👀 is that why he is at Murray's 👀)

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Hopper: What are you drinking?

Robin: Vodka.

Hopper: Straight?

Robin: No, gay. Why?

(Gay vodka ✨)

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Robin: School sucks.

Hopper: I know, but you have to do it so you can get a job.

Robin: What are jobs like?

Hopper: They suck.

(Oof. Depends. But yes)

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Robin: *sighs*

Hopper: You bored?

Robin: Yeah.

Hopper: Wanna start drama for no reason?

Robin: I thought you’d never ask.

(they love drama. Also they just annoy the others with puns)

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Robin: Anyone down to take couples counseling and see at what point the therapist realizes we barely know each other?

Hopper: Idiots to lovers, 20k words, angst with a happy ending.

(omg maybe he definitely was reading AO3 in the other incorrect quotes. Also I would love to read something like that)

Kidnapper: I have one of your friends.

Hopper: Which one? I have seven.

Kidnapper: The loud, annoying, rowdy one who never shuts up.

Hopper: Ah. You have Robin.

Robin, distantly: HEY!!!

(he loves her tho. He is just as loud and annoying when they start making puns)

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Robin: I’m so tired.

Hopper: Did you get to bed late?

Robin: No.

Hopper: Did you do something strenuous?

Robin: No.

Hopper: Then why are you tired?

Robin: I’m alive.

Hopper: Sounds exhausting.

(Ah yes. It is)

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Robin: How would you like your coffee?

Hopper: As dark and as bitter as my soul.

Robin, shouting to someone behind the counter: I need one vanilla latte with extra cream and sugar!

(he has a big heart)

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Robin: I have a 1:30 appointment.

Hopper: Which doctor?

Robin: No, I want the regular doctor.

(They are always trying to get each other with a joke. It's like an ongoing war. And if someone gets tricked the other gets a drink or a snack. Like a little prize)

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[The Sinclairs]

*Sue is casually searching around the room*

Robin: Hey Sue, what’re you looking for?

Sue: My will to live.

*Charles walks into the room*

Sue: Oh, there it is.

(Love this)

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Sue: Hey, are you okay?

Robin: Yeah.

Sue: You don't look okay...

Robin: Then stop looking.

(Her mother is being a bitch)

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Sue: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Robin?

Robin: No.

Charles: I do!

Sue: I know, Charles.

Charles: I’m sad.

Sue: I know, Charles.

(Sue and Charles always talk about their feelings. They are a healthy couple and good parents)

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Sue: Are you alright?

Robin: Short answer or long answer?

Sue: Short?

Robin: No.

Sue: Long?

Robin: Nooooooo.

(Lol. Also why. What happened? 🥺 also she finally talked about her emotions)

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Sue: WHO ATE MY BREAD?!

Sue: I'M GOING TO K-

Charles: I did?

Sue: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today Charles.

Sue: *walks away*

Charles:

Charles: They're gone Robin.

Robin, coming out of the closet with bread stuffed in their mouth: Twankh uh!

(Robin loves bread. Also Sue would have said the same to Robin. But Sue also loves bread. They bond over that.)

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Robin: One time I went to hand Sue a bowl of soup. I wanted to say “Careful, it’s hot!”, and “Here’s your soup!”, so instead I blurted out “Careful it’s soup.”

(omg yes be careful. Soup could be bad and not good soup 👀)

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[Ronance]

Nancy: Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me the truth, Robin!

Robin: You can’t expect me to look into your eyes and be straight.

(Nancy finally confronted Robin about Steve and Robin came out to her lol. Idk)

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Robin: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!

Nancy: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?

Robin: I don't know, surprise me!

(I hope it was the first option)

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Nancy: So you like cats?

Robin: Yeah.

Nancy: *tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table*

(like I said before. Robin loves cats)

(also this is just all just Nancy trying to flirt with Robin since she came out to her)

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Nancy: My hands are cold.

Robin: Here, let me hold them.

Nancy: My lips are cold too.

Robin: *covers Nancy's mouth with their hand*

(Nice try Nancy nice try. But maybe something a bit more obvious)

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Nancy: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?

Robin: ...Have you never taken a shower before?

(oof. Well I guess you just need to straight up tell her if she doesn't get this l)

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Robin: I'm trash.

Nancy: As someone who's environmentally conscious, it's my duty to pick you up. Does 7 work for you?

Robin:

Robin: You smooth motherfucker.

Robin: And yes it does.

(omg it finally worked. Also that was smooth)

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Nancy: I feel like doing something stupid.

Robin: I’m stupid, do me.

-- (bonus from the Generator)

Nancy: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...

Robin: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, Mon amor.

(and well the rest is history. Robin speaking in different languages is like the same thing when Careless Whispers is playing for Nancy (if anyone still gets that joke. I don't know who made it)

--(another Bonus from the Generator)

Nancy: Stop doing that.

Robin: Stop doing what?

Nancy: Saying things that make me wanna kiss the hell out of you.

(🥺)

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Nancy walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Robin, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK.

Robin, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :)

(Oh god. This is why she can't have coffee. Who gave her that)

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Robin: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?

Nancy: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

(Woop. Damn. But you would be crazy if you'd say no)

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Robin: Two bros!

Nancy: Chillin' in a hot tub!

Robin and Nancy, in unison: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!

(two bros. Sitting on a tree. B e i n g g ay )

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Nancy: *Holding up a pack of pencils* These are kinda cute.

Robin: Nancy, that’s gay.

Nancy: We’ve been dating for 2 years—

(I wish)

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Leave any requests for groups or just people you want to see interact.

So that's the end again. Hope you enjoyed it.

I kinda wanted to add more of Sue and Charles, but there weren't any good ones.

Also here is the other one with the adults if you haven't seen it. There is the context to some of the jokes I made.

Bye and lots of love ✨💕💖✨💖💕✨

#stranger things incorrect quotes #long post #incorrect ronance #ronance #robin buckley #murray adopting robin #joyce byers #jim hopper #karen wheeler #ted wheeler

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eddiemunsonswhxre · 8 months

Text

where have i been?

an update for those curious.

hey there my loves, long time no see.

i’m not sure how many of you will actually read this or care to see why i haven’t written in over a year now but typing this stuff out helps me process and get back into my groove.

well, today is january 16, 2024. the last thing i posted that was an actual one shot was posted on january 3, 2023. i haven’t written since. 2023 was my worst year yet and caused me to learn a lot about people and myself.

things were going alright in the beginning, i was in my second semester of college and my biggest problem was 2 of my 3 roommates (lived in a quad) hated each other so me and my bestie/3rd roommate had to play mediator and it was exhausting. i started liking a guy and got my hopes up. and i started to get more and more annoyed with school and my living situation every day. i was ecstatic to move out of that room despite hating my hometown. the day of move out, one of my roommates who i thought was someone very close to me blocked me and all of our friends on everything with no explanation but we knew she wasn’t coming back for 23-24.

i like where i grew up for a maximum of a week at a time, after that my depression just kicks my ass and im not having a great time. my plan for the summer was to work my ass off so much so that i wouldn’t have time to think of anything else. that backfired, because a few days after i came home one of my two jobs fell through unexpectedly and my other job was giving me less than half the hours they promised me. i was broke. everyone says it’s so easy to get a job these days because everyone is hiring but i applied to over ten places within a reasonable distance from me and didn’t get a single one. so i spent too much time with myself and that’s not normally a good thing.

to make matters even worse, in june my mom was sentenced to three years in prison for a crime she committed back in 2020. i don’t want to get into too many specifics, but my mom would never harm anyone she just has struggled with addiction. my mom was my constant emotional support, and knowing she was no longer going to be around ripped me to shreds. not even a month later after my mom was shipped off to prison, my dog died. and i know you might think “dogs die all the time it’s a pet.” but my dog was much more than that. she wasn’t even three years old and was a beautiful great pyrenees german shepard mix and she was the sweetest girl ever. i don’t care how ridiculous it sounds, because i know my soul and hers were meant to be together. i was even in the process of registering her as an emotional support animal so i could take her to college with me because she was finally old enough and for the most part out of the puppy phase. but one night out of nowhere she got really sick and within an hour of her showing signs something was wrong she died while i was holding her. not the greatest thing for a 19 year old who’s already struggling to experience. it took my over a month to stop seeing her like that every time i closed my eyes. call me dramatic, but that dog really was a child to me.

after that, i went to stay with my cousin for a few weeks and that was nice but i still knew i wasn’t feeling right. i moved back to school in august and had way too high of hopes that everything would fix itself. surprise, it didn’t. in fact, i just got worse. i reached lows i haven’t hit in over two years. i was having roommate problems, i was trying to do way too much at once, and i was neglecting my health. i had a breakdown.

the highlight of my semester was taking a week off to visit my best friend since age 2 for her birthday (she lives roughly a 2 hour plane ride away from me now) with our other two best friends. then i came back and immediately totaled my car. my car was a piece of shit yes, but it got me places. not having a car when you’re a person who drives around to destress is not fun. i was even worse mentally at this point and i was trying so so hard to get into my overbooked doctor to get my medications raised. the only constant i had were my three friends at school and my studies. so i threw myself into them. i was never alone and if i was i was nose deep in a text book. i was just avoiding the rest of my existence. i was able to get my meds upped and decided i was done wallowing. i started a diet that is actually manageable and enjoyable and discovered for the first time workouts that i actually liked doing. it was something small, but i knew i was turning myself around.

i went home for winter break knowing it was going to be tough. i also had to spend this time looking for a new car. it was an extremely stressful process to say the least. but i focused on myself, taking all the time for myself that i needed and processing everything that had made me get to such a bad place. i’ve always been very spiritual, so i dove more into that as well as trusting the universe.

i’ve decided that 2024 will be my best year yet. i got a new car, im getting a new job, im doing great in school, my mom is getting released from prison literally six hours after i post this, and im taking care of myself in more ways than one. while doing a lot of that reflecting, i remembered how much i used to love to write and how that passion just died after loving it since i was ten. i started small, doing short story exercises and getting into reading again. i finally, after an entire year, have my passion for writing back.

i can’t promise i’ll be consistent with uploads because i’ve decided that my goal for the year is to write a novel. so that project is going to be my main focus and it isn’t anything fanfic related, it’s actually a psychological thriller. more than likely i will be asking for opinions on here throughout the year as well.

with that said, my plans this year for this blog are to keep posting. eddie munson is mainly who i write for, but i want to expand my horizons. i want to challenge myself with genres and types of characters. i will greatly appreciate any requests you can give and i promise i will read through them. if i don’t post them right away, just know it may come out three months later. sometimes inspiration sparks at weird times.

if you’ve read this far, thank you. i hope this can inspire you to see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes you’ve gotta dig the extra dirt to it yourself. beyond thankful to anyone who was here a year ago and has come back to read my new stuff- you made an aspiring writer really proud of herself.

much much love

-eddiemunsonswhxre 🤍

#eddiemunsonswhxre #i’m back #mental health is important

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avartwork · 9 months

Text

Thank You

I mostly focus on posting my artwork on here but I genuinely want to say thank you to everyone who enjoys what I do. It's been a big year of healing for me.

Since 2020 my mental health has been the worst it's ever been. Constant battles with the deepest depression, anxiety and self-loathing I can ever recall experiencing in my life. In 2020 I hoped we were entering a time where due to a crisis we as people could come together and be better. I did my best for people. I supported, I shared, I donated but during my time of need most people I knew left me behind for their own gains. I lost touch with people I cared about and thought cared about me. My job was a nightmare. I lost one of the few places I had left to hang out with friends. We lost a beloved family pet. In 2021 I spent a majority of it on suicide watch. I just couldn't function. I was broken and struggling and it was a genuine fight to get to a point where I could feel like I was just "ok" for even a day. In 2022 my job hit at an absolute low where the anxiety, frustration and the constant reminders of how little the world cares about people caused me to have a complete mental breakdown. My wife and I suffered two personal tragedies back to back involving pets. I still struggle with this. Still feel guilt and worry that I didn't do enough. On top of just feeling like people who I thought I could talk to didn't care after a point and I was doomed to just always be a bit part in people's lives. 2023 started off rough. Another family tragedy, getting left out of things from people I trusted...but this kind of broke to a point where I said I was done and started focusing on myself. I started disconnecting myself from the things that made me feel miserable and started focusing on indulging myself in whatever silly nonsense I enjoyed and best of all...people seemed to like it. I've been drawing some of my best works this year, both personal and fanart, that I've been getting nice compliments on. I have a collaboration in the works that I'm excited to share when it gets going. My streams have been a constant bright spot of fun and I can't begin to say how much I appreciate everyone who comes by and hangs out to listen to me talk, draw and hang out. I've been playing the drums again. Friendships have been healing.

I want people to know that you can hit the lowest of low points where you feel like everything is absolutely hopeless and you can survive it. You can come back from what you think is the worst possible scenarios and you CAN move forward and improve. I couldn't have done this without the support of people. Remember the people who care and hold on to them the best you can. Remind them you care about them even in the smallest ways.

I don't know what 2024 is going to bring. I'm dreading the political discourse and just how unhinged everything has become but I'm going to keep doing my best to try and be a positive spot on here and where ever else I am. Doing my best to make people laugh or give them a slight break. But all I can say is that this is probably the first holiday season in years where I haven't been struggling as much and I am grateful for that and everyone who helped me get here.

I try not to vent online anymore but I felt this was at least a more positive one. Nearing the end of the year and just everything I've experienced has had me thinking a lot and I wanted to get things out. I hope everyone can find their way through whatever is plaguing their lives and making them feel hopeless and miserable. If I can do it, anyone can.

#tw sui talk #personal post #healing journey

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aerodaltonimperial · 1 year

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(@perhapswhoknowsvamp and I have the best slash worst text threads ever. We realized that Danhausen isn't following Jack on IG today and spiraled.)

Danhausen follows Orange Cassidy. Danhausen follows Hook. Danhausen follows most people on the roster, really.

Danhausen does not follow Jack Perry.

Actually, he used to. Danhausen follows and unfollows Jack once a week, just so Jack gets the notifications. Since he’s bored and couch-bound currently, he’s upgraded to doing it every half hour like clockwork. He sends bitchy messages at 3 AM and then blocks Jack so he can’t reply.

Hope Jungle Jack gets some sleep. Would be a shame if someone STOLE that from him.

Jack, whose phone dings for the third time that morning: “THIS MOTHERFUCKER”

When he’s on the pain meds, he sends more messages. Has Jack checked his brake lines recently? and This picture of you is quite nice and it’s a cockroach wearing a top hat. (Danhausen doodled the hat on the cockroach.) Behind the cockroach is a jungle, and a large bird of prey with red black and white head feathers.

Jack forwards the message to Hook, with the text: WILL YOU PLEASE JUST TELL HIM THAT WE AREN’T DATING AND ALSO THAT WE AREN’T EVEN TAG PARTNERS ANYMORE

Hook replies with sorry the number you have sent this to is no longer in service R.I.P.

Hook sends a follow-up text: the hat does look nice on you.

Jack: “They fucking deserve each other.”

Darby eventually slides into Danhausen’s DMs. dude could you stop he is profoundly unsexy when he is this stressed out.

Danhausen: whatever he is profoundly unsexy ALL THE TIME. You should get one that looks sexy more often, then. Darby obviously has poor taste. Perhaps he should talk to Hook. The two of you could become best friends with your new jungle infatuation.

Darby: Is that what this is about? Hook?

Danhausen blocks Darby.

Jack finds Hook. He hasn’t slept in days. He is mid-mental breakdown. “PLEASE. I can’t even ask him what he wants! He keeps blocking me before I can tell him that you and I are not a thing. Call him, for fuck’s sake.”

Hook: “I don’t got reception.”

Jack: “YOU HAVEN’T EVEN LOOKED AT YOUR PHONE?”

Hook, cupping a hand over his ear: “What? Sorry. You’re breaking up. They must be updating the towers around here. Anyway, I’ll talk to you later.”

After he walks away, Jack stares. “This fucking guy.”

Darby drops down from the fucking ceiling. Jack has a heart attack.

Darby, unaffected: “Sounds like things aren’t going any better on Team Chips. Man, these guys are dense.”

Jack: “….what??”

Darby rolls his eyes. “I’m on Team Teeth, you’re on Team Chips. What, did you think we were going to be on the same side? Over my dead body.”

Jack: “….I—”

Darby makes a decision. “Actually…” He looks Jack up and down. “Yeah, I take that back. You can be over me any time you’d like. I’d let you top.”

Jack: “...wha—”

Darby: “I’ll call Danhausen the next time he unblocks me and see what I can do. Again. Idiots.” He fucks off down a hallway on a skateboard that seemingly materialized out of thin air.

Jack: “I…I am so tired.”

Danhausen ends up blocking half the roster as they try to get him and Hook back together. By the end, he’s only following a handful: OC (who doesn’t give a shit), MJF (who also doesn’t give a shit but for different reasons), and RJ City (who actually did attempt to get them back together but after he got blocked, he stood crying in Danhausen’s front yard until Danhausen unblocked him. He has not brought it up again).

He also still follows Taz. Taz sent him one message last summer: Sorry. He’s an idiot. He’ll come around.

Taz has not been cursed since he sent the message.

Jack considers checking himself into the psych ward because they’ll take his phone on intake and maybe he’ll be able to sleep. He walks into the lobby and spots an attending nurse wearing a face mask and hovering nearby, shoulders hunched…and arm in a sling.

Jack nearly cries while leaving the building. He just wants to sleep.

Jack, texting Hook: HE FOLLOWED ME TO THE PSYCH WARD.

Darby: sounds hot

Jack: FUCK WRONG NUMBER

Jack, texting Hook: HE FOLLOWED ME TO THE PSYCH WARD.

Hook: sounds hot

Hook: wait, who followed you?

Jack: DANHAUSEN

Hook: Oh…

Jack: OH? THAT’S ALL YOU CAN SAY, OH? NOT, WHY WERE YOU GOING TO A PSYCH WARD IN THE FIRST PLACE, JACK?

Hook: Sorry

Jack: You’re a shit friend.

Hook: yeah

Jack: He was pretending to be a god damn nurse in the lobby.

Hook: a nurse?

Jack: Yes.

Hook: what was he wearing?

Jack: I hate you.

Jack goes to Home Depot. He just wants to sleep. He breaks into one of the outdoor sheds in the parking lot. It’s cold.

There’s no cell reception in the shed.

Jack is happy.

#Do not perceive this #I have not been able to breathe in hours #I am sobbing in my cubicle

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rianafying · 8 months

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i’m starving and i’m hungover and i’m in trouble. my sd card got corrupted and i might lose all the work i’ve done in january, which is a LOT of work. i just need to talk to my friends. the timing is bad because they’re either at work or asleep rn. i’m about to throw up.

it’s fine i reached them, after they woke up. spoke to friends, i feel better emotionally. but worse physically because it’s been so long since i’ve had some food. any food. there’s so much shit i need to buy but no money to buy them. i’m scared that one of these days i’ll have to resort to ebegging. i don’t want to do that. because im not even doing that bad but i feel terrible. and im prone to heavily catastrophizing every situation im faced with. somehow i have linked this sd card failure to the downfall of my career that i have worked so hard to build. if you dont have catastrophizing anxiety, you dont know what it feels like to imagine every single worst possible outcome and believe it to be true. but somehow throughout my life, it has been. what i feared kept coming true. but fearing it and being paralysed by it, didn’t help my case. apparently it’s in my brain chemistry to do this and also to have chronic pain. apparently there’s something wrong in my hypothalamus, pituitary gland, amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. they’re are all fucked up and feel wayyy more pain than is ever necessitated. i feel like im spiralling out of control at a faster rate than i can reel it back in. for most of my life ive been getting wounded more than i could heal. and now im limping my way through life, and hating almost every second of it despite trying so hard not to.

i had a full breakdown today, worse than other breakdowns. i feel super defeated. people are being nice to me. somehow that is making me feel even worse. things keep going wrong. there is no escaping tragedy.

day 3 of this same journal entry. i’m officially out of money. even my coins. i have a little bit of usd in my absolute emergency fund, but i really don’t want to have to touch that. i have a week to go before i get paid a bit of money. which will still not be enough because i had to use afterpay to buy some necessary stuff at kmart, and now i have to pay it back. things rlly are tough out here. thinking i should not fix my laptop and instead spend that money like normal. like use it to get by nicely for a while. then what? at what point will i be able to get a real regular job? i found out for sure this month that i can’t make it to work on 25% of days due to my illness. so what work could i do. rlly upset about losing the images on my sd card. i haven’t permanently lost them yet, but, it’s far too expensive to recover. i was considering recovering the data when im in bangladesh but i dont think id trust the data recovery service in dhaka anyway. they’ll probably fail at the task and also ruin my card. things are so wrong rn. my microwave, my pan, my passport, my myki, my financial situation, the burnt skin on my face, my psoriasis and arthritis, my hair situation, my multiple severe nutritional deficiencies and chronic pain, my various mental illnesses, my awful dirty room, my inability to work on any, let alone every, one of these problems. i just get paralysed and bed rot for days. this is officially too much for me. it’s too many things to deal with. i’m not built for even half of this. how can i give up without like kms, like what’s another way to give up? because bed rotting isn’t cutting it. i could really use some help. when i asked for help, my uncle said to visit my friend in sydney, or to visit bangladesh, neither of which is going to actually help my situation, because ill be miserable regardless of where i am, until my problems have been resolved. and both of these things are expensive as fuck, like, what’s a girl supposed to do. i don’t wanna go on a $200 trip to sydney when my sd card requires a $400 data recovery. that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my situation.

no amount of talking to people, or going on trips is going to solve my problems. which is painful for me to say because i’ve been dying to do something fun for once. not that i don’t have fun in melbourne i do, but that’s cause i try to enjoy work, and romanticise the life i already have. and because im not yet a local local, i can still experience melbourne like a tourist. with fresh eyes. anyway, yeah, im deleting bumble because its stupid, let’s be real im never gonna go on a date w a strangers plus i dont even respond to people because im obviously not ready to actually give this a chance. not yet at least. costar says i let my need for stability stunt relationship growth. but i’m okay with that, or at least i would be if i had any stability. right now i feel like i have the short end of every stick. no it feels like i have no stick at all. the universe or god or whatever is out there is giving me a huge middle finger and laughing at my suffering.

they say that i’m overthinking or that even if there is a problem there’s a solution. what’s the solution to not having enough money to solve my problems? by the time i might have money, these problems will have caused critical damage. what’s the solution to the weight i carry around from never feeling safe or loved my whole entire life. what’s the solution to the mother shaped void in my heart. what’s the solution to the fear of losing my sibling and friends. i cope, and i deal, but it never really goes away. even now as i’ve hit my weekly rock bottom, i’m trying to list things to be grateful for, to see the glass as half full. but i can’t lie, the glass is not half full. i’ve been running on a nearly empty tank for as long as i can remember. even if i somehow manage to get my tank full, there’s like holes in it that can never be permanently patched. i destroy everything i touch, i let down everyone i know, and i keep getting chances. i don’t need another chance. i need a break. i don’t want to prove myself, unless it is to prove that i fail.

i’m told that the broader focus of my life during this time is to clear away built-up structures that have been holding me back. excess is not always abundance. i’m supposed to decide what's worth keeping and what to pass up. apparently my sense of well-being relies on my willingness to seize new opportunities, which is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. “use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.” this could not be more on the nose. fine i’ll pack some stuff up and head drop it in a donation bin. it will clear up some space in my room too. this might be good. give me some literal and also mental space to work with. also on the nose is “make sure you're not doing that thing where you over-intellectualize your experience, and then convince yourself that you know all the laws of the universe.” okay i get it. thank you for spelling it out for me. maybe now i will finally listen. i’m certainly being spied on. most of life is out of my control but i choose joy.

i couldn’t attend the invasion day protest today because i was on the phone talking a loved one out of killing herself. i shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not like i had a choice in that scenario. i’m told that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as “fault”. if my goal was to shift blame, i could use all the words in the world to make myself innocent, but that’s not what i want, that’s not what i’m familiar with.

i think that maybe i would like to have a fresh start. i dont know what a fresh start would even look like. to go back in time a couple of years? how many years? at what point was it fresh? go back to when i was born? be born to different people? be a different person? a fresh start to me would be one in which so much is different from how my life is right now, that i don’t know how it would even be mine. this is who i am, all the terrible things that make up, well, me. and a fresh start wouldn’t be me, or it wouldn’t be fresh. i’m stale and im crusty, to the core of my being.

maybe i just need to go on a walk.

#personal #journal entry

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