#no need to even talk about the performances and stages like... this is seventeen of course the performances are incredible 😪

[strawberryya]

ghost in the machine

s.coups x reader

synopsis: Secrets can only be kept as secrets for so long, everyone knows this. Yet when 5.C0UP5 came in contact with someone he never should have even known existed this notion seemed as foreign as his own name. Perhaps there exists another way of life even for him, or maybe it was all a dream too big to dream of. 

word count: 20k

genre/contains: sci-fi au, AI-idol au, automaton!seungcheol, angst, smut, fluff, hurt/comfort, found family, afab and gn!reader, general smut warnings for oral and penetrative sex, nothing kinky except being eaten out while talking on the intercoms and some almost being caught moments, big fight

rating: 18+

a/n: this has taken a long time to finish, but it also turned out to be my longest fic to date and I'm a bit proud that i managed to actually complete what i had in mind :> thank you @idyllic-ghost for proof reading and for the banner !!

collab link to read the other amazing fics from @idyllic-ghosts genius collab!

Network tagging: @svthub @cultofdionysusnet @k-labels @kvanity-main

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“100 years ago it was thought that the Earth, as we know it, would disintegrate. That the sun would implode and leave everything in darkness. Miraculously, it didn’t. Due to some external force, human scientists still haven’t agreed upon what it exactly was, none of the planets in our former solar system were ever destroyed. The Earth, along with the other planets, were pushed away from each other and ended up in different parts of the universe. Earth just happened to come to a solar system with alien life. At first, we were cautious, and people were prepared to fight. However, the aliens were welcoming to our planet. Those of us who didn’t die from ‘The Great Journey’ or from trying to fight the aliens, were welcomed into the new solar system. Soon enough, we had integrated completely, and we received materials and assistance from our sister planets in exchange for human labor. What humans knew of technology was very limited, but with the resources of the aliens we created artificial life forms. We named these robots Automaton, and they served as workers when humans couldn’t. Eventually, there was no need for human labor at all. To pay back for the help the aliens gave us, we used Automatons. With the extensive development of these robots, we eventually managed to create artificial sentient life. These Automatons were human-like in looks and had human consciousness, but they could not bleed and were stronger than we ever could be. At the present time, there are even different levels of Automatons. Level 3 robots are the workers, level 2 robots are the caretakers, and level 1 robots are the celebrities. The Automaton music group 53V3NT33N (SEVENTEEN) is made up of 13 members, all very talented, and all representing two human states of mind.”

Pride. It was one side of 5.C0UP5 state of mind, and he felt it often. He felt it whenever he looked at his members, he felt it whenever he performed on stage in front of blinding lights and roaring crowds, and he felt it when he looked at you.

Yet, the other side of the coin of his pre-programmed personality was what crushed him every single day. Everything he took pride in having accomplished, was completely tarnished by a single thought about your lips on his skin. The shame was unbearable. 

You had never been meant to get close to him, he was not supposed to be close to anyone. He knew this better than anyone. As the leader of 53V3NT33N he was the one to keep everyone in check. He was meant to set a good example and be the perfect level 1 automaton at all times. For years he kept his promise to everyone, he continued to avoid all things that could ruin his reputation and go against his lifelong contract which he had become bound to the moment he had been created. It hadn���t been easy, but he had taken pride in being the perfect and flawless leader for his members. 

That guilty feeling in his gut came back once again as he left the dorm with his manager. “Lookin’ good,” he heard the voice of one of his members play in his ear. J30NGHΛN stood, next to some of his staff members across the lobby, curiously looking at 5.C0UP5. “Going somewhere fun today?” he said and pushed the communication device on his chest, letting 5.C0UP5 hear his every word. 

“You’re too curious J30NGHΛN,” he said with a smile, “We’re just gonna get some pictures at a café for this week’s posts.” It was one of the few things he did a couple of times a year, even under the strict surveillance of his company and its staff. No matter what, he had to sell the fantasy of himself to millions of people all around the universe. 

“Oh, I see… have fun,” J30NGHΛN said with a tone that made 5.C0UP5 feel his fingers, the chirping sound of his voice making him conscious of his own existence in a way he despised. the damn wink didn’t help. It was as if he knew something. Maybe everyone knew? 5.C0UP5 shook his head and began walking towards the exit along with his manager. He felt his members’ curious gaze following him as he left. Maybe the secrets were beginning to take their toll on his mind. He knew he was supposed to keep his emotions in check, the overpowering of one of his programmed human states of mind would be his demise. They had told him that much. Yet again, he told himself the same words he had spent so many days and nights telling himself. Nobody knows. 

Luckily, the café that had been chosen for today was only a couple blocks away. The cold sweat that ran down his back went unnoticed by the staff accompanying him in the shuttle used by the members whenever they needed to go to filming locations and individual shoots.  

“Let’s order some smaller stuff and get the shoot over with, we don’t have all day,” one of the managers announced, making 5.C0UP5 nod with a forced smile before he went back to looking out the window. His hand fell to his side, feeling the hard outline of his phone in his pocket. 

Entrusted to him by the company, he had been allowed to have a small flip phone. It was ancient. They used to have them in the old world, but even by the start of “The Great Journey” the technology was seen as outdated. By the current standards, however, the phone he had been granted was not worth much more than the shoelace on his sneakers. To him though, it was priceless. 

He was nervous now, his hands felt clammy, and his shoulders were tense as he walked into the café along with the staff members. One of them hurried off to the counter and placed your orders while 5.C0UP5 and two others made their way towards the corner table. The young couple currently sitting at the table were quickly removed by the staff members. It was routine, nothing more than a sentence informing the couple of why they needed to get up was given before they were chased off by the staff members threatening presence. 

He would never get used to that, the way others were treated around him as he stood by, powerless to intervene. Every time he felt ashamed of being the reason the rest of the population had to accommodate whatever his company, his owners, deemed profitable. It didn’t matter if it was evacuating an entire city block to film a music video where the buildings crumbled around the members, or something as insignificant as taking over a table at a popular café. The guilt was always there. 

The young couple hastily gathered their belongings and one of the waiters came over and cleaned up the table, apologies for the mess constantly pouring from their lips. Level 3 automatons could get fired for something like this, but at the same time, 5.C0UP5 couldn’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy as he watched the worker get back to his place behind the counter. Maybe life would be better if he too was a lower-level automaton, he found himself thinking as he sat down and was served the beverage and piece of dessert that the staff had ordered for him. He would be freer in a way…

“5.C0UP5, let’s go.” 

He picked up the drink in his hand, the cold from the iced drink bringing his mind away from his thoughts and back into reality where a staff member had just fixed the collar of his shirt and fixed his hair which had been ruffled by the wind. “Look over there,” the staff said as another one snapped hundreds of pictures as he moved around on his chair. The rehearsed smiles, the sip of the drink, and the way he leaned toward the camera all satisfied the staff it seemed. He was good at his job, and acting like a down-to-earth boyfriend at a café was just another part of his job. 

What wasn’t part of his job, however, was when he felt a buzz in his pocket and without a second thought spilled half his drink across his thighs, the fabric covering his knees now the color of his drink. “Oh!” he shouted, “I’m sorry. I’ll go clean up real fast and we can continue like nothing happened, I’m so sorry, I’ll fix it!” he hurried to say before any of the staff members could even comprehend the situation he had just created. Hastily, 5.C0UP5 rose from the chair and left his staff confused and shocked at the table. “Fuck- someone go watch the door, no one else can be in there at the same time he is.” he heard them say behind his back as he hurried off towards the door to the bathroom. 

There were multiple doors inside the bathroom, each leading to a small bathroom. He didn’t know where to go, he didn’t know where he was supposed to be. He didn’t need to look very far because as he approached the second door to the right it opened for only a moment and a hand pulled him forcefully through the opening. “Finally,” a person said with a smile before they kissed him passionately in the low light of the lightbulb attached to the dark mosaic tiles above the sink. 5.C0UP5 entire body heated up from within as his lips pressed against those familiar soft lips he knew belonged to you. 

He had dreamed of those very lips every night since he first got to kiss them all those months ago. “Hi,” he whispered and let the corners of his mouth turn up in the most genuine smile he had had all day. 

“Hi…” you answered and giggled softly, feeling his warm hands on your cheeks as he held you and kissed you once again, softly and as if to make you feel how much he had missed you as he held your lips locked against his. 

“Are you meeting up with that secret fuck buddy of yours?” Lana joked as you scrambled to grab your phone and keys on your way out for lunch break. 

The office supply store was empty at this hour, and you had thirty minutes until you had to be back again; the perfect amount of time for a quick meetup with Cheol. You had to be back in time to release Lana, your co-worker, and close friend, from her shift and let her take her own lunch break since your boss had deemed it necessary to have the store manned at all hours of the day. 

Or, well, 5.C0UP5 if you were fussy about things like that. That was his real name, his legal name. To you, however, he was Seungcheol. It had been months since you had called the wrong number in your hurry to order a pizza after work, starving and sleep-deprived as you were at the time you hadn’t been looking too closely at the numbers you were putting into the keypad on your phone. Luckily for you, the craving for pizza that night had led you to discover something new that you soon began craving much more and much more often - him. 

His enchanting voice had caught you off guard that first night, and his confused and cautious “Who is this?” had, incredibly enough, been the starting point of you two talking every chance you got since then. Late nights chatting away on, what you have to admit were very sketchy websites, and the occasional call which was made with hushed voices and both of your hearts pounding away, had been most of your relationship. It sometimes felt like an imaginary relationship, since no one could know who he was, and even more importantly -  know who you were to him. 

“He’s not my fuck buddy, he’s…” you retorted. 

“See, do you even know what he thinks you two are? You won’t even show me any pictures of him, is he super ugly or something?” Lana shouted as you hurried towards the back door. 

“Shut up! I’ll see you later!” you yelled and the door slammed shut behind you. The back alley was filled with trash and scrap metal. The teenage boy from the large family who lived atop the store was smoking as he kicked bolts around on the ground. He looked up as you passed, and an uncomfortable feeling in your gut appeared as you felt him watch you while you exited the back alley and went onto the bustling street. Your phone buzzed in your back pocket and you fished it up. 

Unknown. 12.31.

“I’ll be there in 10, leaving now.” 

It was from Cheol. You wouldn't be getting any more updates from him until tonight, at least he had confirmed that he would be coming. Quickly you deleted the text from your phone and put the phone back into your pocket as a strange sense of being watched made the skin on your neck prickle. You looked around, moving your shoulders as if to shake the feeling away. 

You hurried away and towards the café, the uncomfortable feeling still haunting you as you entered the café and headed straight to the restroom. 

Would he come this time?

You could never be certain. He always did his best to keep his promises, but if the circumstances wouldn’t allow him to leave the group of managers that always circled him whenever he stepped outside the shiny company doors, keeping you a secret was more important. It didn’t hurt any less whenever he stood you up though. 

Knowing that his reasons for acting as he did were because of his status as a level 1 automaton had shaken you to the core at first, but it had also been a relief. He had told you who he was after a couple of weeks when you had become convinced you had accidentally begun an affair with a married man, he had been forced to confess his real identity. At least you weren’t a home wrecker, was the thought that helped you reconcile with the fact that he would never be free to live a normal life with you. 

Now you were seated on the toilet seat cover, your ear pressed to the door, your hand on the handle ready to pull it open. Time moved slower than usual, but your heartbeat was racing along with your mind. 

Then you heard him, it was undeniably his voice that made its way past the music, chatting, and the coffee machines. He was coming to you. You could barely hear when he opened the first door into the restrooms over the sound of your blood rushing in your ears. Without a second thought, you opened the door enough to register the man you had thought about all too often lately and pulled him by the arm inside the small bathroom you had occupied. His biceps tensed as you pulled him and your body lit on fire because of it. God, he was so wonderfully big. Everything from his biceps to his cock was just so perfectly huge, and you went mad any time you thought about it. You kissed him in a passionate kiss, pressing your entire body against his. You fit so well together, his hands on your face and yours wrapped around his body. 

You wanted more, you wanted all of him, all the time. You wanted to cry because you knew you couldn't have him. With tears pricking your eyes you let Seungcheol pull back to look into your eyes. 

“Hi,” he whispered and smiled. You said hi back softly before the excitement and the giggles overtook your lips. You kissed him again, this time he saw to it that it was a soft and gentle kiss. A small wince left your throat, making Seungcheol quickly turn on the faucet, hoping it would drown out any noises. “Sorry,” you mumbled against his plush lips. 

“Don’t worry, it’s partially my fault,” he said pridefully. 

You were about to laugh, but instead, you pushed up his shirt, exposing his perfectly sculpted upper body to your touch. “Fuck you,” you said under your breath. 

“‘Fuck me please’ is what you meant, yeah?” he cockily corrected you without missing a beat, flipping you both so you stood with your back against the wall he had been facing away from. You gasped as he lifted you off the ground with the wall helping to pin you between his stiff cock and the cold and hard wall. 

He was right, even though you hadn’t allowed yourself to get your hopes up, you had been feeling unusually needy lately. The thoughts of him filling you up in any way constantly on your mind, you were already turned on as you entered the café with the small promise of him setting foot in there to meet you later. 

“Please, fuck me,” you gasped out, feeling your arousal soak your underwear at the thought of his girthy cock inside of you. “I need you to be quiet,” he mumbled against your lips. 

At this, you nodded fervently. Finally, you would feel him stretching you open again, bruising your insides with the force of his strokes like you had dreamt of after every single time you had managed to get together like this before. The moments were rare, but you made the most of the short time you had, to say the least. 

His tongue quickly found yours as he ground you on his erection, eliciting a low moan and making you open your mouth for him to enter. Warm hands wandered your body, his gentle touch making you swoon as he held you with so much love, while the promise of him fucking you like the slut you were hung in the air. 

A knock on the door, and both of you froze up, his bulge pressing right on your clit making it unbearable not to move. You winced only slightly as Seungcheol’s lips left yours, deciding to put your now lonely lips to use, kissing down his jaw and neck with soft little pecks and nibbles. “What?” Seungcheol asked over the sound of the water running, his tone a bit more agitated than he had intended. Not that he was at fault, he had a soaking cunt begging to be fucked right above his cock, and lips that made him go insane on his neck; someone disturbing him right now was not what he needed. 

“How much longer do you need? We don’t have all day to wait around for a pair of pants to dry up.” the staff member on the other side of the door said, earning a sigh from Seungcheol. 

After a moment of silence, he groaned and shouted towards the locked door. “Yeah, yeah, you’re right, I’ll be right out.” 

No, you thought, your limbs holding onto the man who you had just only gotten a taste of even harder than before. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“I need you to be patient for me until next time, can you be good for me and wait?” he mumbled against your hair, your lips still attached to the skin right below Seungcheol’s collar. “Yes,” you said against his neck, letting go of his skin in favor of burying your face in the warmth of his chest. He put you down on the floor, his arms releasing the back of your thighs and instead wrapping around your body. For just a moment he held you close until the buzzing of the dryer died out and he loosened his hold on you. 

You pressed your body against the wall as Seungcheol unlocked the door and disappeared through it just as quickly as he had been pulled in through it. 

“Sorry, it didn’t come off.” you heard him say through the doors. 

“We can’t get the shots if you’re all messed up like this, let’s tell the crew that we’re going back instead. Come on 5.C0UP5.” The staff member who had been just a few steps away from you two while they waited outside the restroom door responded as the voices got fainter and blended into the sounds of the café. 

You sat in silence with your hand on the door handle as his voice disappeared completely. In the beginning, you had enjoyed the thrill and noncommitment of him not being able to be there to be an actual boyfriend because of his work and position in life, you recalled as you felt all the emotions in your body dissolve into nothing. 

A small pain in your chest was the only thing left. The late-night thoughts you whispered in the dark, and the messages you had sent each other that contained your deepest yearnings and your worst fears. They had gotten to you, and it didn’t help that whenever you got a taste of having him physically there with you, you rarely- never- wanted to let go. But you always had to. 

“Enough wallowing, this isn’t changing anything,” you mumbled as you wiped your face from the wetness that had seeped from your eyes without you noticing. You needed to hurry back to relieve Lana from her shift you realized as you checked your watch, seeing that you were already supposed to be back at the store. 

You didn’t waste much more time after that, hastily making your way out of the bathroom, checking behind you as you left the café to make sure nobody had paid any attention to you. Like a punch in the gut, the feeling of being watched returned as your eyes landed on a dark-clad figure staring at you through the shop window. He had no reason to follow you with his gaze as you hurried across the street, away from the café, away from the gut-wrenching feeling that something was awry. 

He wasn’t looking at you, right? You were just getting too paranoid, that’s all, right? 

5.C0UP5 had been daydreaming the entire way back to the company, his mind taking him back to the moments he could hold you in his arms. His body couldn’t ache for you, but his mind almost had him believing that he did. Some days, he almost believed himself to have a heart. A heart that broke each time he had to leave you behind. 

It wasn’t until he got back to the dorms where he got a glimpse of his members, and friends since he had been put into this world, that he finally felt himself come down back to reality. They were everywhere, some he saw in the lobby along with their hoards of staff members just like his own. Some were in the dorms, sleeping, or at least in a state of being that looked like sleeping as they charged. 

Others were nowhere to be found, not that he went looking. They could mind themselves, he knew they would never do anything to make him less proud of them. To 5.C0UP5, he was the bigger worry. 

He was just about to let himself rest and recharge, to try and forget the pain in the back of his mind, haunting him even as he saw his members wandering the dormitories and the company hallways. You were always in the back of his mind, no matter what he did to try and forget. Somehow, he had accidentally let you in, and now you were half his world. The hidden side of the moon, the side which should always remain in darkness, no matter how closely you look. 

A staff member who had left him just minutes ago as they entered the guarded company building came back, not even bothering to knock before they entered the room in which 5.C0UP5 sat on his bed. “5.C0UP5, you need to follow me, the CEO has something to talk to you about.” 

It had happened before, he met with the CEO every once in a while. After all, he was the spokesperson for the group, even if they didn’t have many (any) rights, they still needed to have someone to be their voice. This time, however, the meeting wasn’t scheduled. The CEO wanted to have an impromptu meeting with him… his hand unconsciously fell against his left side pocket, worry filling his mind even though he tried to make sense of why he had been called in to talk to the management. 

Even as he entered the large office of the CEO he had been in more times than he could count, something felt off. People he had never met sat in chairs all around the walls. Guards stood at the door, looking more tense than he had ever seen them before, and the CEO himself had the strangest expression he had ever worn. 5.C0UP5 waited until he was spoken to, as he had been instructed so many times before. Honoring the one who made sure he had the comfortable life he currently had was something he had been taught from the very first day he had opened his eyes. 

“Hello 5.C0UP5.” the suit-clad man in the dark chair said. He spoke calmly, but not kindly. 5.C0UP5 picked up on his tone immediately. 

“Hello, Sir,” he answered and bowed his head ever so slightly, his eyes never leaving the man in front of him. The room was dark, but the photos splayed out on the desk in front of the CEO finally caught 5.C0UP5’s eye. He could recognize them even at this distance and brightness. His head worked ceaselessly to find the moment it had begun, the moment they had found out. Because in front of the CEO, he could spot hundreds of pictures of the one person he wished they would never even see: you. 

All that went through 5.C0UP5’s mind when he realized what had finally happened was fuck.

“I understand that you have been seeing this human for a while… did you think we wouldn’t find out?” the CEO said, almost laughing at him as he sat in his chair looking over the pictures, each one containing your face, at work, at the café from earlier that day, at home. They had you right under their nail, ready to remove you from the planet at any second. He wanted to scream. 

The CEO cleared his throat before he threw the photo he held in his hand on the glass desk in front of him. “Now, unless you want us to eliminate this problem of yours, you will be rebooted first thing tomorrow.” 

5.C0UP5 knew he wasn’t supposed to protest, he wasn’t even supposed to think anything other than “Yes, Sir,” but before he could stop himself he spoke his mind. 

“Please, no… Why would you do that? It doesn’t make any sense. If I’m found breaking the rules, I’m to be demoted, not- not this!”

“Seventeen is currently the galaxy’s top band 5.C0UP5, and you are their leader, you have an image to uphold. And since you failed at doing this, we want to reboot your system, that way you will be able to stay and your group members' reputations won’t be tarnished, and most importantly. This little issue will be resolved because you won’t even remember this little human.”

The CEO wasn’t smiling as he had thought before, the CEO had never once smiled. His eyes were dead, nothing more than a ghost of a human left inside of him. At least 5.C0UP5 felt something, at least he could smile, at least he could love…

He could love. He had felt it. So why was he about to get punished for something his management swore he couldn’t feel? Hoped he couldn’t, might be more accurate, 5.C0UP5 realized. 

“How did you know?” he asked, the glare he received was enough that the management had begun running out of patience for him already. 

“Does it matter? We know everything about you.” the CEO answered curtly. 

Just like that the pieces fell into place, they had known all along. He felt the piece of metal that clung to his chest like a stone, stuck in his body and destroying him from within. They had known all along… The upcoming release of their new comeback was what they were worried about, he soon realized. They had hoped he would stop of his own free will, after all, he had the personality trait of shame. He should’ve already ended whatever he had with you. 

However, he hadn’t. And now it would become an issue if they didn’t handle it quickly and quietly. 

Despite that, the thought that overpowered all others at that moment wasn’t about how small he felt as he realized the true power the company had over him, or how much he loathed the people who thought they had a right to control him. He could love. That was the loudest, and he wanted to scream it, make everyone hear him just this once. It made him proud, he could do something this human was incapable of, and now they wanted to take that away from him. No. There was no way he was going to let them do that to him as well. He clenched his fist at his side, should he fight? 

“You can return to your rooms, they will come to get you soon,” the CEO declared and pushed the photos on his desk off the table, straight into the trash can underneath. 5.C0UP5 fists relaxed a bit, a new plan forming as he turned to leave the room with the stern guards following along. “Oh,” he heard the CEO say, “and leave the phone, you are no longer trusted to keep it with you even in case of emergencies. I hope you understand… you won’t need to understand in a bit.” 

His jaw was frozen in place as he took the phone from his pocket and threw it towards the CEO. The guards jumped forward to grab his arms as the phone crashed into the table and tipped over a cup of metal pens that scattered all across the floor. “Leave us,” said the CEO without even flinching. 

5.C0UP5 didn’t feel any shame as he was dragged out from the dark office, suit-clad strangers watching him with cold eyes as the doors slammed shut behind him. He was dragged until they were in the hallway where the crossroad between freedom and forever forgetting you were. “I can walk by myself,” he said with a growl he had never heard in his voice before. The guards let him stand alone, watchful eyes on him as they began walking again, one in front of him and one behind him now. It’s now or never, he thought, taking the shot as he saw it arise in front of him. 

His mind barely registered the hands that tried to grab onto him, all his focus lay on the doors in the lobby and on getting there. He ran with all his might until he crashed into the doors that were too slow to open. The crack widened and he pushed himself out of the glass doors that opened just in time for him to keep staying ahead of the guards. Bright lights in all the colors of the rainbow lit up before him as he began running down the crowded streets. His eyes watered because of the wind, and the lights blurred into a kaleidoscope of light. 

His body was designed to be agile and strong, he was designed to keep moving. Right now that felt like the biggest blessing he had ever received in his cursed life. 

From the back of his mind, two things arose. The first was your apartment, he had only heard about it, you had described exactly how to get there in one of the late-night calls you had whispered to each other weeks ago. The second was those twelve faces which were all he had known for so long; his members would be left to deal with it all when he was gone. He knew them so well, and yet, none of them had even had a chance to become someone to get to know. He wanted to give them a chance. As he ran he shouted out the word “Run!”, pressed that button he had used so many times before in the middle of the device connected to his chest, and began tearing the peace of metal from his body. It took him a few tries before he managed to rip the entire thing off of his skin. It hurt more than he had imagined, the pain was brain-numbing and overwhelming. He almost had to stop, the pain making it hard to focus on making his legs move forward. 

Nevertheless, he was free, the tracker was gone from his body, and with it was his only connection to the only family he had ever known. 

He ran, and he didn’t stop running until he arrived at your apartment. They would know he was here, they knew everything. He needed to be quick. He ran up the stairs to your apartment, knocking aggressively on your door, shouting as loudly as he dared for you to open the door. It wasn’t long until the door swung open and he was close to tears as he saw your very shocked face looking back at his panicked state. The thing you had imagined, but since you had found out his true identity, always known would never happen, had happened. 5.C0UP5 was tired, but he needed to get away, and he wanted you to come with him. 

“We need to leave, they’re coming for me. Please come with me,” he pleaded, his eyes begging you as his hands held your arms desperately. 

“What did you do?” you said breathlessly. 

“They were going to make me forget, make you… erase the issue… I couldn’t let them take this away from me too.”

You were speechless. “You ran.” He nodded. You didn’t even bother to say a word as you ran into your apartment, leaving 5.C0UP5 at the door. He had no idea if you were trying to find somewhere to hide or looking for something as he heard crashes and your voice shouting curses from further inside your small place. He needed to get out of there, but maybe… holding out hope was worthwhile it turned out. Minutes later, which felt like hours for 5.C0UP5, you reappeared at the door, backpack in hand and sweat gracing your hairline. You were running with him. 

It wasn’t a hard decision, you weren’t close to your parents, and Lana would understand eventually… at least you hoped your coworker, and only close friend at this moment of your life, would understand if you ever survived to tell her and apologize for leaving without a word. 

A small pain stabbed at your heart, leaving everything for an automaton on the run. Everything you had ever known for this man… It felt insane at the moment, and it felt even more insane as you felt Cheol squeeze your hand which you had been holding since you took it, and began running towards the docks. You sat in the cold of the night on a hard bench next to Cheol. In a bit, a ship would arrive. Crowded places felt like a good idea at first, but now, the paranoia set in. Was that old man over there looking a bit too long at Cheol? Didn’t those surveillance cameras follow them as they walked onto the docks? 

The hand in yours pressed gently against your skin, helping you stay at least a bit sane as the weight of what you were doing was already beginning to tug at your strength. You thought it best to focus on the plan instead. 

“Let’s get on this ship, hop off at the airport, and get on another ship there. That way we can get off this planet because the sooner the better right?”

“Yeah, but don’t you think they will be looking for me at all the docks and airports?” Cheol said quietly. 

He was right of course, they would be looking for the escaped automaton at all the exits of this world they could think of. 

“Maybe if we…” You tried, but you didn’t know how you would get away if his company's staff members were to hunt them down anywhere on the planet. “Damn. Do you know that it’s incredibly difficult to go on a trip with you?” you deadpanned. The moment was horrible, but also perfect. It made Cheol smile, something you hadn’t seen the entire way from the moment you opened the door until now. 

It helped keep your mind off of the horrible situation and the impending doom. 

“It is,” he chuckled, “I never thought it would become an issue though.”

“But here we are,” you said and sighed. Cheol leaned against you, his large arm pushing against your side, making a smile split across your face. 

“I don’t think we should get on one of the commercial airlines… we need something more private,” Cheol mumbled.

“How would we get a hold of a ship of our own? We don’t have the money for that…” 

“We’ll figure it out…” 

“We have a lot to figure out from now on, Cheol,” you said and let your head fall against his shoulder, resting your heavy mind on his strong frame. He hummed, the sound comforting you even while you thought about all the ways you could get killed while on the run. 

The submarine came soon enough, and you both got on without a hitch. If you were being followed, they weren’t coming out of the shadows just yet. The cold light from inside the ship lit up the dark water around the underwater tracks that held the boat in place as it brought commuters across the sea each day and night. Under the high waves had turned out to be much easier than above them, especially nowadays. The storms had become worse in the last couple of centuries. Every other day there was another tropical storm on the seas. A side-effect of the universes coming closer together was what the scientists had concluded when it first began happening hundreds of years ago after the end of The Great Journey. 

You looked out the blurry window into the empty waters. Cheol and you were sitting by the back of the ship, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. You had managed to throw a cap into your backpack, which now helped hide Cheol’s face from any surveillance cameras while you used the hood of your sweatshirt to somewhat hide your face. Being a petty thief seemed like the least of your current issues. 

Neither of you spoke the entire ride, only communicating and comforting each other through a hand in the other or on their thigh. If you weren’t panicking you would probably be craving his touch in other places. That would have to wait though. A safe place was probably the priority, you decided in the back of your mind. You noticed his other hand, the one which wasn’t holding onto you like his life depended on it, continued reaching towards his neck. He seemed to be in pain. Did he get hurt? You hadn't had the time to even think about asking him how he was feeling or if he had gotten hurt by the guards or even the staff. You made a mental note to ask him later, placing your head against the rest behind you instead of his shoulder. You didn’t want to cause any more pain by resting against him. 

It was getting rather late as you left the submarine station you had gotten off at. Your heart wasn’t calming down anytime soon, you weren’t equipped to handle this kind of stress. Day-to-day, normal life stress was enough, this was something else entirely. 

“I want to live out the rest of my life in a very peaceful manner, far away from all of this crap,” you whispered as you walked the short walk from the submarine station to the spaceport welcoming hall. You wanted to be on a warm couch, not thinking about how to run away without being arrested. Right now, the idea of a living room seemed too far out of reach. All around you were tiny shops, suitcases, and the cold and unnatural light that lit up the entire spaceport’s welcoming hall. Ships that were boarding sounded out through the air, the comfy couch was as far from reality as you could get. 

Cheol scoffed, “I agree, wholeheartedly. I am never running away again after this, it’s too much work.” 

You tried to hold your laugh in, “Yeah, too much sneaking around for my taste. Let’s just run away this once, and then stay put and become that old couple on the hill that no one dares to visit.” Cheol nodded. “I would do anything for that…” Suddenly you noticed a small melancholy feeling in his words. You were just about to ask what was on his mind when he stopped your walk into the large welcoming hall, ushering you both into a small tourist shop. All you saw were miniature Earths, mugs with stupid prints, and keychains with different tourist attractions. You did not like it. For a second you were worried that he wanted to do some last-minute shopping, but your worries changed as you saw his terrified face. He had seen someone he knew. 

“I’ve seen that woman over there by the kiosk before, she usually helps backstage at our concerts. Fuck, that means they really managed to send people out to the exits,” he grumbled. This was bad. You felt your blood rushing in your veins, panic filling your mind. Had you been alone, you would’ve been frozen right about now. 

“Let’s just go,” he whispered hurriedly, panic visible on his face. “The faster we’re out of here the better, right? Are you with me?” 

“Always. Let’s go,” you whispered, the reassurance being all Cheol needed to grab your hand in his even firmer than before and head right out of the welcoming hall and out the nearest exit leading to the departing spaceships. You were unbelievably lucky as you ended up in the middle of a large swarm of travelers who were just about to board the large ship. Most were workers it turned out, the ship being part commuting area and half cargo space. The both of you managed to sneak onto the ship along with the workers, keeping your heads down as you hoped to anything that would listen that you would be able to sneak onboard undetected. 

It was unplanned, you barely even knew where the ship was headed. It wasn’t until you heard the voice that called out that the ship heading to Specus would depart that you both realized where you were heading. Specus was the mining planet, all the minerals needed for this universe to continue expanding its empire, and for life to continue as it has been until now, were found on this planet. All the people on this ship were workers there, probably coming back from their biannual leave which was granted to all humans and other living beings working there. Automatons was not included in the group of people who got any leave. The laws were clear about that, automatons were not human and didn’t need any form of vacation. 

The laws were bullshit. 

“Specus… I mean it could be worse, right?” you whispered. Cheol nodded, caught up in his thoughts. “Should we look for somewhere else to hide until we’re there?” you asked, trying to catch his attention again. Once again he only nodded, his senses all focused on his surroundings, making sure you two weren’t being followed or watched as he pulled you away from the area with rows of seating for the workers traveling with the ship. You went past the cots, knowing there was no way you could manage to stay hidden the entire way if you tried to stay in there. Instead, you made your way to the lower parts of the deck, the part of the ship where travelers didn’t wander. Here, you would only find crew members, cleaners, servers, and mechanics. The hallways were darker here, the LED lights being used more sparsely on the lower decks. You had a hard time seeing in the low light, but Cheol had your hand in his, a relaxed feeling managing to find its way into your body despite the circumstances.  

You had only managed to get a little way past the third deck when you met another person for the first time since you had left the seating area. “Are you two lost?” the man asked, making you jump and making Cheol whirl around to where the sound was coming from. You hadn’t noticed him in the dark until he spoke. 

“No, we’re just… looking for the bathroom,” you stuttered out. 

It was the dumbest excuse in the book. You knew you didn’t have the man fooled when he began laughing. It was a wonderful laugh, high-pitched and genuine. The figure stepped out of the dark, revealing a handsome man, dressed in a simple gray overall. Over his breast pocket, it said maintenance. You felt yourself growing a bit anxious as to what the laughing man would do next. Would he turn you in? 

“No, but seriously, why are you all the way down here? You two certainly don’t look like the new hires we were supposed to get this week,” the man, who you realized was holding a mop which he was now leaning on, said with a curious tone as he scanned the both of you from head to toe. “You look like a fucking idol, you know. If I didn’t know better I would think you were on the run,” he said with a smirk. 

“I’m Cheol, this is Y/N,” Cheol said finally as he nodded his head in your direction. Even in this light, you could tell he was staring at the stranger with that intense gaze that could make anyone either break down or swoon. 

The maintenance man sighed, “Alright, I’m Wooyoung. Come with me,” he said without explanation.  You didn’t follow him right away. He looked back at you, the “Coming?” visible on his face. 

“Do we trust him?” you whispered to Cheol, who was still watching the man waiting for you. 

“I don’t know about trust, but honestly what choice do we have? It’s not like we can go anywhere now, and it’s a long journey to Specus…” 

You nodded, nervousness made your hand clammy in Cheol’s firm grip. 

This was a risk you needed to take. If he was going to turn you in, it was probably better to just get it over with. At least you wouldn’t have to starve or something if you were locked up until you got to Specus. 

He led you to the lower decks, and surprisingly began introducing you both as the new temps that would help around on your way to Specus. The other crew members nodded, a few glancing rather suspiciously at you both but accepting the half-truth that Wooyoung told them. They hadn’t heard anything about any new temps, but it was none of their business it seemed. Who, and why you were there to help around didn’t matter to them.

Wooyoung led you around the lower decks, being strangely chatty with you two. You hadn’t expected someone so friendly to simply appear in your lives just as you needed it. Was he somehow your savior or was he something entirely else? You hoped he was good news because the alternative was so much worse. 

“Okay, this guy is great, you’re gonna love him. He’s not… too talkative, but he’s very good!” Wooyoung said as he took you down a flight of very narrow stairs. 

“Good at what?” You asked, minding your step so you wouldn’t fall as you descended. Wooyoung didn’t answer, instead flinging a thick metal door open and skipping inside. 

“Sannie!” Wooyoung suddenly shouted as you and Cheol entered a room after him. The room was filled from floor to ceiling with electronics. Screws, bolts, and different tools were everywhere. It looked like a mix of a car workshop and a dentist. The second part was mainly because of the chair in the middle of the room. The only time you had seen one of those was when you had gone to the dentist. By a table, a man sat on a high stool, engrossed in whatever he was doing. A bright lamp shone down on, what looked to you like, a bunch of chords in different colors. 

“What Woo? Did you get hurt again? Or are you just here because you’re bored…” San said as he was turned away from the door where you and Cheol stood, unsure of what to say and do just as you had been for the past couple of minutes. Would this man scrutinize you and Cheol as well, like the other staff members Wooyoung had introduced you to?  It seemed you had managed to bump into the most friendly maintenance member on the entire crew, and you thanked the universe for that because it seemed as if he was the solution to a lot of your current issues. He seemed to know everyone on this ship, and you hoped the friendship between him and the others would somehow be your and Cheol’s way of being allowed into the crew. 

“No… or well, yes, I am always a bit bored when you’re not around,” Wooyoung chirped, “But I’m here to see what you can do for these two.” 

Wooyoung gestured towards the door, finally bringing the new strangers’ attention to where you and Cheol stood. “Well, I’ll be damned. You brought a level 1 down here along with a human?” San said and looked between you both and Wooyoung who smiled brightly at his friend. “Yup!” 

San nodded, “Well, I can guess what happened with you two since you’re here after all… Can you work?” he asked after a moment. You nodded. “Yes,” you heard Cheol say. 

“Great. I’m San, I’m the mechanic around here. Since I’m human, and apparently that means something even in space, these fuckers also put me in charge when we leave the dock. I’ll get you what you need, food for you,” he said and looked at you, he then turned to Cheol, “A charger for you, and enough work to make sure you sleep soundly when you get off your shifts,” San declared. 

“Yay!” Wooyoung shouted gleefully, his cheerful claps making you crack a smile - despite the situation you found yourselves in. 

Cheol wasn’t smiling, but he seemed more relaxed. “How did you know I was a level 1?” was all he asked. You hadn’t reflected on it, but it was strange that he had been able to realize the difference between Cheol and you so quickly. 

San smirked, “It’s my job to know. If I couldn’t tell the difference between you and one of the workers here, I’d really be in trouble as a mechanic.” He was about to return to the mess of chords on his desk, but he looked back at Cheol, pointing towards his neck. “Also, come back here tomorrow and I’ll get that fixed for you.” Cheol’s hand reached for his neck again, the pain from touching the place his tracker had been made him flinch in agony. His shirt had fallen a bit lower while you had wandered after Wooyoung, he had opened his jacket, and now you finally spotted the area he had been protecting this entire time. The piece of metal you had avoided in your secret rendezvous was gone. He had ripped it out, you shuddered at the thought of the strength it must’ve taken to rip something like that from your own skin. You squeezed his hand to comfort and distract him, you didn’t know what else to do. 

Wooyoung came towards you, happily walking away from San who was already immersed in his work, and made it clear that you were to follow him. 

“Thank you,” you said before you left, San looking over his shoulder to give you a small smile and a ‘no worries’ expression in return. But worry was exactly what you had begun feeling, more than anything else. 

You and Cheol got a gray overall each, both saying maintenance over the breast pocket and the back, just like the one Wooyoung was wearing. “Stay in here for tonight, and when I wake you I’ll let you know what you will be doing for the next couple of weeks,” Wooyoung explained, giving you a small room in a long hallway to stay in. Everything was in the same cool metallic shade, and you realized that all you had to sleep on tonight would be a lonely pillow and a blanket that looked like it had seen better days. 

“It’s not ideal…” you stated, looking around in the small space you had been assigned as your room. “But we can make it work, right?” 

“It could be a lot better,” Cheol nodded and looked at you. You had had an affair with a famous level 1 automaton, been found out by some really powerful people, threatened to be disposed of, illegally left Earth, and had just been offered safe passage to another planet by some unexpectedly friendly people. But the room was a bit small and dark. Cheol looked at you, a smile creeping onto his face. You began laughing at the absurdity, “We should probably be more grateful,” he gasped out between laughs. “But it’s so ugly!” You shouted, your laughs getting more and more manic. 

“This is probably the stupidest thing we have ever done,” you gasped out. 

Your eyes welled, which tears that were a result of your laughing, and which were your exhaustion finally setting in was impossible to tell. All your emotions just came out all at once. You were gasping for air, tears running down your cheeks, and all the weight of your decisions crashing right into you. 

“It was, but I can’t make myself regret anything,” Cheol said, emotion welling underneath his words. But he didn’t cry. Instead, he just held you. He let you cry your eyes out, staining his dark hoodie with your tears as you sobbed. 

“Did we make the right decision?” you whispered against his chest, strong arms holding you safe as you questioned what you had done. 

“I hope so,” you heard Cheol say, the sound of his voice echoing in his body. You fell asleep in his arms for the first time that day. Having him to yourself in this way was a privilege, you realized. It was a privilege you had lived without for your entire life. You didn’t even know that you had been missing out on it until you woke up the next day, your head in his lap and his hands holding the blanket to your waist. You looked up at his handsome face, wondering if he had been able to rest where he sat against the hard wall.

It didn’t take long until you had both caught on to what you needed to do around the ship. It turned out that Wooyoung was a great instructor. During your shifts you both ran around, cleaning, and helping the regular crew members when needed. Wooyoung quickly made sure you felt at least a bit more comfortable on the ship by giving you tours around the decks and introducing you to even more of the crew members. 

The best part, however, was when you, after an exhausting day working around the large ship, got to lay down in Cheol’s lap while he charged and slept for a few hours, just feeling the heat that his body generated as you let yourself be swept away from reality. The weeks passed, and you learned the routines of the ship rather quickly. 

You barely had any time to think, let alone feel, how physically and emotionally exhausted you were. Leaving everything on Earth and trying to survive day by day on this ship in the middle of the vast universe was more work than you had hoped when you impulsively decided to leave. Some days you managed to take a moment to yourself, stopping in the middle of your step, and just staring out the small windows on the sides of the ship. The space outside was both so full of life and so empty of anything at all that you found yourself floating away in your thoughts into nothingness for just a moment. 

After a few weeks of almost nothing but work and sleep, the crew began preparing for the landing. Soon you would be on Specus, with absolutely nothing planned for what was to come. This soon changed, however, as you sat down with San to eat dinner. Cheol sat next to you, not wanting to spend unnecessary time apart from you just because he didn’t need to consume any food. 

“But, like, did you like the dancing and all that?” Wooyoung asked, the conversation had ended up being about your professions. 

“I think I did, yeah,” Cheol answered honestly. 

“I always thought I’d be a pretty good idol. If I wasn’t designated my level, I would've given it a shot for sure!” Wooyoung said, “Or well, maybe not under your company… they don’t seem that great from what I’ve heard, with the whole rebooting thing and all… that…” he trailed off. You were all staring at him. The silence was deafening, none of you truly knew what Cheol had been through. He had told you bits and pieces, but not nearly enough to know how he’d react to this. 

San and Wooyoung had become your friends since you had been sharing your meals every day. Most of the time the conversations flowed naturally, and the topics ranged from everything from San’s latest way to fix up bolts that had begun unscrewing themselves to childhood memories. Wooyoung and Cheol had a hard time joining in on those conversations, but they shared their fair share of memories from when they first gained consciousness. 

It was strange to think about it in that way, your boyfriend never had a childhood. Well, you still didn’t have a name for what you two were, and calling him your boyfriend in your mind might be jumping to conclusions, you were simply on the run with each other and had a romantic and sexual relationship with one another, but boyfriend might be going too far- Nevertheless, he had been created just as he was right now. Out of all the parts about AI that you had grown up to accept, the no-childhood part was the one you never quite could get past. He had missed something that was so fundamental to you and all other people who had been born instead of created in a factory. It made you really think about the fact that someone had created him intentionally - not just anyone, but him. 

The silence was still pressing around you as you all waited to see how Cheol would react to Wooyoung’s lighthearted comment about the idol life. Your thoughts were wandering away from you, maybe in a way of escaping reality until Cheol saved the conversation. 

“I think you would've been a great performer. You have the right energy about you,” Cheol said with a straight face making Wooyoung crack a smile. 

You were happy that he seemed okay talking about his experiences. And you were equally happy that the mood hadn’t been completely ruined because of Wooyoung’s thoughtless comment. 

After some time, the conversations died out and San picked up a new one, asking something neither you nor Cheol had any good answers to: “What will you do next?” 

You looked at Cheol. He looked just as clueless as you felt. Neither of you had a plan. “They don’t have any clue,” Wooyoung pitched in with his laugh, that you would remember for the rest of your life. You looked down, nodding slightly. It was true. 

“Where do you want to go? You don’t have any idea of where you would like to be in the future?” San asked, surprised that you didn’t have at least the semblance of a plan. 

“I don’t know much about the universe… but I want to go somewhere safe. I want to spend my life where I won’t be found and won’t be constantly watched,” Cheol answered before looking at you, “…somewhere we can be alone.”

Your heart fluttered. You had forgotten that your life wasn’t just the endless days of work on the ship. It was beyond you how you could’ve forgotten it all so fast,  but the intense look filled with love and pain that Cheol gave you made all the feelings stir up once again. You wanted that too, you wanted a place where you two could just be together. 

You nodded, concurring with what Cheol had just said, “Is there somewhere like that? Where we can stay forever?” 

Wooyoung stayed quiet but San looked at the both of you, something in his eyes telling you both that he did have an answer to what you were asking him. “Lumen. That’s where you want to go.” 

“Lumen?” you asked, never having heard of the planet before. 

San hummed, “It’s right beside galaxy 428B. They say it’s the ‘utopia of the universe’, but very few have ever managed to get there and even fewer have managed to get there and back to tell the story of it.”

“Why is that?” you continued asking, your curiosity piqued. 

Lumen had been a planet much like Earth before the entire shift in the universe had happened. It was a sunny place, filled with forests and unexplored nature. There lived some type of people, San wasn’t sure what they were called. It was far away, and the solar systems that were close together had not deemed it worth the cost of travel to create a way to commute there. If you could get there, you wouldn’t have to worry about anything but creating a way of life, San told you. He had heard about the place from travelers he met in his childhood, people who had been on a journey of their own in search of a safe haven - much like you and Cheol. 

“All I know is that you need to travel as far north from our solarsystem as possible,” he said and went quiet. “I’ve never seen those people after they left in search of Lumen, I don’t know if they ever made it.”

Cheol was deep in thought next to you. Neither of you responded to what San had told you except for a short: “Thanks, I think we should head to bed.” But even as you rested your head against his shoulder that night waiting for the exhaustion to overtake you, not a word came from the man you had spent weeks chatting within just this position. 

If you were going to find out what he thought about your destination, you would need to take the initiative you thought that night.

 “I wanna go, do you?” Your words lingered in the dark room. Silence. Soon you almost began falling asleep, your brain coming to accept that you were probably not going to get an answer out of him tonight. Your body jerked as you heard his deep voice say: “I want to come with you.” Grabbing his hand you nodded sleepily against his shoulder. 

“I love you…” you mumbled before you dozed off, leaving Cheol alone and awake in the dark with your words ringing in his ears. 

The next day Cheol still couldn’t get those three words out of his mind. Only for a moment did he think about trying to make up a plan for what you needed to do now that you had decided where you wanted to go. ‘I love you’… the thought of your sleepy voice whispering to him had him cleaning the same spot for at least twenty minutes.

You had said it first, but he didn’t even know if you meant it in the way he felt it. Did you just say it without thinking while half asleep? Were you thinking of someone else? What if you were mad that he hadn’t said it? 

He was freaking out, rubbing harder with the mop on the laminated floors. He was sure that he had messed it all up. Maybe you didn’t want to go anymore. What if you had just followed him thinking it would be a quick trip and ended up with more than you had bargained for? God, why hadn’t he said it back last night? He felt it, so why did he freeze when he heard those three damn words? 

He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder, “Hey,” Wooyoung stood beside him, looking at the only wet spot on the ground around them. “How’s it going with the floor?” 

Cheol looked down, only now realizing how caught up in his head he had been. “Shit, I’m sorry man.”

“No worries. Something wrong?” Wooyoung said, his hand still on Cheol’s shoulder in a reassuring manner. 

He shook his head, “Just a lot on my mind…”

Wooyoung hummed, nodding understandingly. “Go talk to each other about whatever it is, don’t just stand here doing… I don’t even know what the hell you’re doing, to be honest.” 

Cheol looked at him. He was weirdly intuitive, Cheol thought as he looked at the crooked smile Wooyoung was flashing him. He nodded, “It’s ok for me to go?” 

“Dude, just go! I told you to do so, I decide who cleans the floors and you are definitely not helping me do it, so you’re off floor duty.”

Cheol let go of the mop, his legs quickly moving away from the upper decks and down to the lower ones, towards you. He quickly found you in the kitchen, removing plates from the large dishwasher as the servers stacked the hot plates in tall piles - it looked rather dangerous as he glanced at the piles that towered over him. “Cheol?” You blurted out, surprised to see him here when he wasn’t on duty in the kitchen that day. 

“Hi, I… I wanted to see you, and Wooyong he- he said I could go and I needed to…” he paused, he didn’t actually know what he wanted or what he needed. Or well, he did know, he just didn’t know how to make it happen. 

“Come on, let’s go talk then,” you simply responded, making Cheol look at you in awe. He wondered how it had been so easy for you to say what he had wanted to say all along. You on the other hand were wondering why Cheol stood entranced in the kitchen doorway looking at you as if the words ‘let’s talk’ had been revolutionary. 

“Coming?” 

Cheol nodded and followed you back to the small back room that had been yours for the past few weeks. It was dark, but there was enough light coming in from the hallway and the tiny lamp in the corner of the room to light up the piles of clothes in the other corner, the blanket he put over you every night, and the charger that was plugged into the wall next to where he slept with you in his lap. 

The door closed heavily behind him as you leaned against a wall, wondering what it was that he felt the need to talk about, was it Lumen? “Did you change your mind?” You asked hesitantly. 

“About what?” Cheol looked scared for some reason, you didn’t know why but it made your eyebrows knit together. 

“It’s not about Lumen?” 

“No, no I still wanna go to Lumen! It’s not about that… wait, do you… not want to anymore?” 

You shook your head, “That’s not it!” You hurried to assure him. “I just thought, since that was our last conversation… you know.”

Cheol swallowed, he just needed to say what he felt. 

That was easier said than done though. The words all got jumbled up in his brain, his thoughts making his throat go dry, he just wanted you to know without having to tell you. You couldn’t read his mind, but he wanted you to feel it. He wanted you to feel how much, how deeply he loved you. He took a step towards you, your arms wrapping around him without a second thought. You pulled him close, chuckling at the thought that he had just wanted some kisses. 

His lips pressed against yours and his tongue quickly made its way into your mouth, the movements from his touch making you dizzy and tingly all over. Want was already pooling in your lower stomach. Arousal seeped through your folds, you hadn’t felt Cheol’s touch or mouth on you in so long. It kickstarted your system and had you wet after just a couple of minutes of making out. 

“More please,” you mumbled against his lips. 

Cheol’s hand moved down from your waist, below the gray pants you were wearing today. His large fingers quickly found their way through your folds, your pussy now soaked and leaking as he slipped his hand against your clit. His breath was hot against your face as he let go of your lips so he could hear your whimpers as he circled your clit. 

It felt so good, his rough hands knew exactly what to do as they dipped into your cunt, only teasing you before he went back to press on your sensitive spot. 

You were spreading your legs further apart the longer he teased your clit, you wanted to be filled, you wanted him to push his digits further into your body, you wanted to feel him inside of you as you gushed around his fingers. When he did you moaned out his name, the tension from the past few weeks all dissolving as he fucked you on his fingers. 

A loud knock drew you both out of the moment, and an unsure voice came from behind the door. “Uhm, Cheol? I just wanted to tell you that you’re off for the rest of the day… I got both yours and y/ns shifts covered… so you could talk.”

Cheol cleared his throat, “Yeah, thanks Wooyoung!” he shouted back before pushing his fingers back deep inside your cunt. A moan escaped your lips as he hit the right spot within. 

Wooyoung went silent, “Okay fine! Later then!” 

Cheol didn’t bother to answer, and as Wooyoung left you could hear him talk to himself, “You do something nice for someone and all they do is wave you off so they can get their dick wet, assholes!” 

He would’ve done the same, but none of you would ever argue about it with him. You both laughed for just a second before Cheol kissed you gently yet again, making you forget everything about what had just happened. 

You soon came as he thrust his fingers deeper into you while the palm of his hand pressed on your entire pussy. It was heavenly, a white blur was all you could see, and relief swept through your body. Cheol kept you from falling onto the floor when he put down the leg he had helped hold up. You were holding onto his clothing with a firm grip as you came down from the first high you had felt in too long. Cheol was riding on a high of his own, not because he had been allowed to cum but because you had. He felt just as proud now as he did the first time he had managed to make you have an orgasm, and he let the words come as they wished, “I love you, more than anything in the universe.”

Your eyes fluttered open upon hearing those softly spoken words. The words that turned your world upside down, the words that terrified you, the words you had longed to hear. 

“I love you too,” you said, pressing your forehead against Cheols. 

“I know,” he chuckled.

“Wait what?” You said and pulled away your head to try and see his face, “How… oh!” 

Your hand flew to slap over your mouth as you remembered what you had been thinking last night, remembering how the words had sat right at the tip of your tongue before you let yourself fall asleep last night. “I said it out loud, didn’t I?”

Cheol nodded, a smirk playing on his lips. “I hope you meant it because you’re gonna have to spend the rest of eternity with me once we get to our paradise.” 

“Our paradise? You already think Lumen is ours?” You teased. 

“Of course, with my handsome face and your gorgeous everything, how could we not find ourselves in charge?” 

“You’re insane, and I meant it.”

His smile shone even in the darkness and it lit up your heart like the sky on New Year’s Eve. He held you that night just like all other nights, but your mind was calmer than most other ones. You were dragging your fingertips along Cheol’s chest, resting your chin on his pillowy arm. 

“You know what’s funny?” he suddenly asked. 

You looked at him curiously. “What?” 

“My entire life, the people around me tried to convince me that I didn’t have a will of my own - that I didn’t have my own needs that they couldn’t fulfill.”

“...that’s funny?” you asked, shocked at his apparent sense of humor.

Cheol laughed, “No, no, I mean, it’s not really funny… but it’s funny how, as I had begun believing this myself after years of having been told this, it all just collapsed in front of me the moment I picked up the phone and heard this stranger with the most endearing voice ever try to order a pizza from me.”

You stayed quiet, “...again, that’s what you find funny?? I think we need to work on your humor mister.” He laughed more, your giggles joining his after a moment. Living wasn’t easy, but at least he had joined yours, and it was beginning to transform. Nothing was as it had been, and even an unsure future on the run seemed better than the life you had been living so far. At least you had one another now. 

Time moved too fast after that day, the goal of somehow going to Lumen with Cheol made the days on the ship with San and Wooyoung fly past you. Soon you were preparing to land on Specus. San had told you that you could stick with him for a few days before he got back on the ship to make the journey back to Earth. You both accepted, grateful that you didn’t have to figure out where to go by yourselves on this new planet. 

The day you stepped off the ship onto the giant spaceport on Specus you held onto Cheol’s hand, just as you had when you boarded it. Specus was an industrial planet, its main purpose was to mine minerals and metals from deep within the planet. It was visible the second you stepped off the ship that this planet wasn’t like Earth at all. Everything felt like it was a back alley, with pipes, and rust covering every building and vehicle you could see as you followed San through the rundown welcoming hall. There were no shops filled with books or souvenirs, only a ticket shop booth where a robotic arm was visible in the yellowish window. San led you through the hall, not looking at much and saying even less. It was colder here than on Earth. 

“Stop.” San said suddenly, “Look up.” 

Both you and Cheol let your eyes flash up, towards the ceiling, or at least towards what would’ve been the ceiling had there been one. Instead what you both saw was a dark violet sky, not the kind that you had both seen on Earth, but one that looked like it was exploding with tiny stars. “What is that?” You asked as you stood with your neck bent back completely so you could watch the stars moving around above you, faster than any stars you had ever seen before. 

“Specus spins faster.” San explained, “Somehow that ended up meaning it’s always this one color of blue in the sky and the light from the stars in our galaxies all blend to create this kaleidoscope of color and stars.”

“It’s pretty,” you said, tears almost forming in your eyes at your first sight of something other than metal and the darkness of space you had seen in months. You had missed looking up at the sky, you realized, even if it wasn’t the same sky that you had at home. 

Home, where was that? Earth wasn’t your home anymore. Did you not have one anymore? 

Cheol’s hand squeezed around yours and you abandoned the thoughts. They would only hurt you in the end, it was better to focus on the now.

San got you all two rooms at a hostel, the only one on the entire planet it turned out. They didn’t get many visitors except for the few who worked on commuting ships like San, and now you two. It had been so long since you had slept in a real bed that you slept as long as you physically could bear before your stomach was growling at you to get breakfast. San had already retrieved some while Cheol stayed with you, refusing to leave you alone just yet. He didn’t trust the others in the hostel, it seemed, as he continued to be on guard as you both got ready to leave your hostel room. 

That day San took you both on a tour around the town, it was small but busy. Automatons, aliens, and a few humans were wandering around; on their way to work, on their way to their temporary homes, or on their errands for the day. In that sense, it didn’t feel like you were very far away from Earth. But as you glanced up at the violet kaleidoscope sky you were reminded of just how different it all was.  

As the days passed on Specus, you didn’t have a clue of what to do next or how to get to Lumen. San had done everything he could for the both of you, even teaching you some of the most basic routines for checking on Cheol’s health. It hadn’t been an issue you had spent a single thought on, his health being something you took for granted even now. San helped you realize that what you had gotten yourselves into was dangerous not just because of who was after you, but because of who you two were. You needed to know things in case Cheol couldn’t help with telling you what he needed, in case something bad happened. Nobody would be able to help once you were alone. You weren’t handling the realization well. 

Cheol was the one to let you forget about it after you had gotten yourself stressed about what could end up hurting him. He felt guilty about having you worrying about him, and honestly, a little pissed at San for frightening you so much. He knew you needed to learn though, and opted for being your comfort instead. 

He kissed you, gently and lovingly, and he held you close when you couldn’t let the thought of having to use the new skill San had taught you on the man you loved. Seeing the inside of someone in that way had become your new nightmare. Cheol held you each night, shushing you back to sleep if you ever woke up from it. 

Two weeks ended up passing by just like that, nightmares and lessons on Automaton autonomy. You wanted to get off of Specus by the beginning of the third week. It didn’t matter that San and Wooyoung had become your friends, you wanted to leave. The sky was still beautiful but everything around you reminded you of what San had taught you, and you couldn’t think anymore, you didn’t want to think anymore. 

“Let’s find a ship then,” Cheol simply said when you voiced how badly you wished to go somewhere else, to find your paradise sooner rather than later. 

You laughed a bit at that, “Do you really think it’ll be that easy?” 

“Of course, it’ll be easy!” He said with a casual shrug. You flashed him a smile in return for his suddenly carefree attitude. 

“I don’t believe you, but I say we give it a shot!” 

Before you left you said your goodbyes to San, just in case you ended up actually lucking out and finding a ship that was willing to take you both to Lumen. You hugged the mechanic who had helped you both so much during these months. Cheol did the same, with one small difference, he whispered something to San before he pulled away. Something that made San’s face go serious but he nodded in confirmation. What had he agreed on? What had Cheol told him? You tried asking him as you left towards the spaceport but he wouldn’t budge, telling you “You’ll notice if it worked later, I promise.”

The hours passed, and any ship that looked decent had declined you. Every captain had a destination already and none of them had Lumen on the maps. 

You were tired and hungry. Cheol’s chipper attitude was long gone by now and you were both seemingly thinking about giving up for the day. 

“You know what, what if we just steal that ship? If we’re gonna be on one for months or even years we should have a proper one,” you joked and pointed at a large ship by the end of the docks. Cheol looked at the ship, it was larger than the ones you had been asking all day, but not even close to as large as a cargo ship. It was the perfect size for going on a long trip with a few people. 

“Alright,” Cheol said without a hint of sarcasm, which made you look at him surprised. 

“Wait what? You want to steal that ship for real?” You wheezed out. He nodded, a playful smile showing you that he meant to try. 

Fuck it, your mind decided - hunger and the need to leave Specus and all its minerals overtaking your rational mind. You boarded the ship, walking past any guards as if you owned the place. Nobody minded you two, the few people that far out the docks minding their own business. The ship was even more gorgeous inside, modern and so clean you were shocked at how long you had gone since you last saw a floor without mud or rust. 

You walked into the cockpit of the ship. If someone were to arrest you right now you were happy to at least have seen this ship before rotting away in Phylaca forever. The prison planet was the one place you never wanted to see even if you weren’t going there for imprisonment. But going to Lumen was all that mattered, so you would need to steal this ship. 

“I think this will do,” you said and smirked at Cheol. 

“What are you two doing here?” The voice made you both jump, and you both looked towards the exit. A man, rather large in his stature, stood confused and agitated in the doorway. He had just stepped inside the ship, the door behind him still wide open with the ramp that led to the dock right below him. You were in shock one minute and the next you began running. But you weren’t running away from the large man, you ran right towards him. A look of panic flashed across the man’s face and then your body slammed into his. You were sure you were going to fall with him, but you never did. A strong grip holding onto your waist. When you opened your eyes to see if you were dead you saw the man on the ground. He wasn’t moving. People around him looked up from their own business to look at what had happened. Cheol pulled you inside, closing the door as you stared out into the void in front of you. 

Had you killed that man? You ripped yourself from Cheol’s grip and looked out of the tiny window that faced the docks where more and more people were grouping around the man. Was he moving? You wanted to think he was moving. The people around him tried to lift his head, he was bleeding a little, but he was sitting, right? Your mind was a mess. You didn’t know if what you were seeing was real, or if it was your mind playing a terrible trick on you.

You gasped as you saw the docks moving. They were moving away from you just as the man seemed to turn and point at you. “He’s not dead! Cheol I’m not a murderer!!” You shouted.

But Cheol wasn’t there, he wasn’t where you had torn away from his grip anymore. He was by the cockpit, hands frantically trying everything he could to get the ship to do as he wished. The docks hadn’t moved, you realized, the ship had. 

Cheol picked up how to steer the ship rather quickly, even understanding how to use the auto control so he could charge at the same time you slept instead of constantly doing shifts. You were happy about that since it meant you got to spend time together on the ship, your days becoming rather pleasant as you settled into a routine. There was plenty of fuel on the ship, both for the ship itself and for you and Cheol. Electricity was easy to come by and there was a rather large supply of food there as well. You had managed to snatch a ship that had just been restocked - it was hard to accept the amount of luck the two of you had been struck by. 

But the best part of the ship was the fact that nobody else was on it. For the first time in forever, you two were alone. Alone with a bed and each other. There was nothing else to do but to let Cheol fuck you in every way he, or you, wanted. And my god you wanted to - all the time. The day had only just begun on your second week on board the ship and you hadn't had the chance to get dressed yet, breakfast in bed having become the norm as you let the ship steer away from everything, hoping it would lead you to Lumen if you just kept the course San had told you about. You simply steered away from — and hoped for the best. After all, you had better things to do that occupied your mind at the moment. 

Cheol could taste the fruit you had just eaten for breakfast, you tasted like what he imagined summer would if he could consume it. In a way he was. He was drinking in the way you looked underneath him with his eyes, he was licking and kissing every inch of you that he saw, nibbling on your skin, making you moan and beg more and more for each day that he learned his way around your body. 

Never before had you been undisturbed like this for days on end. It was pure bliss. He found out each spot you liked to feel his lips on your skin, each spot where he could make you arch your back off the bed, and each spot on the ship where he could drill into your cunt until your legs gave out and your juices leaked out of you. You made a mess of the large bed that had been meant for someone a lot more powerful than the two of you, but none other than you two would’ve been able to use it to its fullest like you had been while alone on the ship. 

Cheol’s fingers smoothed over your thighs as his hot breath caused shivers to spread from your core, goosebumps prickling your skin in the air of the spaceship. You were grabbing fistfuls of his long hair, his gaze sultry and dripping with lust as his tongue flicked over your clit. He was burying his face in your puffy and glistening folds, reveling in your moans and how your entire body was writhing from his tongue exploring your wet pussy. 

You had been at it for a while, but neither of you were finished, orgasms were still left to be had before you would be able to sleep. 

The way he was making out with your cunt would soon send you over the edge if only the muffled sound of a voice hadn’t found its way through the corridors of the ship to pull you out of your pleasure. 

“What the fuck is that?” You groaned, pushing on Cheol’s head a little as if you would be able to hear the voice clearer the further Cheol was from your cunt. This was true, but not enough of a reason to give up on chasing your orgasm, according to Cheol since he simply attached his lips to you again. 

He hummed, meaning to get you to ignore whatever it was. The voice of a person, clearly in a rush, continued to echo in the large rooms from the cockpit. “Cheol I need to check on that. They sound worried, maybe they’re in danger.” 

“Fucking hell!” He groaned out as you pushed on him again. “How is it possible for us to get interrupted right now?! We’re in the middle of the freaking space for goodness sake!” Cheol shouted, his lips leaving your body and his hands stilled. 

“I’ll fix it. Gimme two seconds,” you said with a giggle. He had taken the words right out of your mouth, it was incredible how you could never have sex without someone interrupting you. 

You rushed to the cockpit, only managing to throw on a simple T-shirt. “Hello?” The voice came screeching out of the sound system in the cockpit. You had never used it before, but with a simple push of a button that blinked in a bright shade of red, you were able to answer the person on the other end. “Hello! Can we help you?” You asked in your friendliest tone. 

“Yes, hello, this is the spacecraft Marquise, 4210-CH378,” the voice stated, “We are on course for —- and have discovered your ship on our monitor. We are on a direct collision course with your ship if nothing is adjusted, and based on our estimation of your ship size we are afraid that any living beings on your ship will be crushed as a result of the impending collision.” 

You were speechless, “I’m sorry? We’re about to crash into you?! And die?!” You shouted the friendly tone you had tried to access now long gone in favor of your pure panicked state. 

“I’ll move our ship! Please don’t crush us!” You shouted as you pressed down on the button, hoping to the stars that your actions were the right ones to do at that moment as you simply smashed buttons at random on the control desk. Anything to make the ship away from the larger ship that was already visible in the far-off distance, a star that seemed to move twice as fast as any regular star could. 

You hadn’t noticed Cheol when he entered the cockpit, only noticing him when you felt a kiss on your shoulder, which then became a row of small warm kisses down your back. A small chuckle came from behind you as your body reacted to him, forgetting what you were doing. 

“If you intend to change the course of your ship, we would prefer it happen before you end up in front of us…” the person on the other side of the intercom reminded you. 

You had forgotten, pushing the red button once again, bending forward as you did, giving Cheol the perfect opportunity to push his face back against your still dripping pussy. 

“I’m so sOrry-” you winced, “I’m having some technical difficulti- ah!” 

“Do you need some assistance?” a voice crackled over the intercom. You needed to get the ship on another course or you would soon be nothing but a bug on the windshield of the much larger ship coming right towards you. Cheol’s tongue on your soaking cunt had you trembling where you stood, bent over the control panel, the ship in sight and your mind working against the impulse to give in to Cheol’s magic touch and ignore all your issues. 

You tried to momentarily pull away from his face, but he had you in his grip and you were too entranced by his grip to properly make the effort to get your heat away from his warm tongue. Instead, you pushed on the lever that you had seen Cheol use only once or twice, unsure of what it did but it was the best option. You pushed it as far as it went, and the ship began turning away from your intended course, and by extension, away from the collision course. 

“Thank you. We wish you good luck on your further travels,” the voice from the larger ship sounded through the intercom once again. “No problem, you too!” you managed to say before turning away from the control panel, Cheol’s grip on you only losing for a second as he took his mouth off of you, only to sit you down in the pilot’s seat. This time you weren’t focused on staying on the course however, instead the chair was turned away from the panels and the vast universes outside the ship, instead, you had a very cocky Seungcheol on his knees in front of you. Your cunt was on display and dripping as you awaited his touch yet again. 

“You seemed to be a little distracted just now,” he chuckled. You scowled, but not for long, your neediness taking control of you once again as you pushed Cheol’s face back to your arousal, which he lapped up with fervor, the stress of the moment gone just as it had come, the incident being largely forgotten by the both of you afterward. 

This was one of the biggest mistakes you could have made on your journey. Forgetting where you were going, forgetting that your newly found safe haven on the ship would only last as long as nothing burst your fragile bubble. 

Days passed, and your waking hours flew past you almost as fast as the space around you did. 

A single blip showed up at the edge of one of the monitors in the cockpit. Blinking bright blue, your spacecraft flew closer with each day. Neither of you paid any attention to it. The both of you relied on the autopilot mode to guide you to Lumen, even if your initial direction was based on nothing more than what San had told you months ago. 

The change of course hadn’t made a difference to your daily routine until you saw the desolate planet in front of you. When you had spotted it one morning in the distance, you had presumed it to be an optical illusion. There wasn’t supposed to be much of anything out here, but you could very clearly see a small planet, darker than the surrounding space, with only the lights of ships to reveal that it was anything other than space junk or a meteor. 

Dark and wet, it lay lonely in the universe. Your fuel had begun emptying after weeks of nonstop flying, you would need to stop at one place or another sometime soon. Changing courses away from the prison planet now would only make suspicion arise from the watchtowers on the planet. There was no denying it: Phylaca would be your next stop.

“We need to put on our best act, we fucked up y/n, let’s make it quick…” Cheol tumbled as you both watched the planet becoming bigger and bigger from the cockpit’s large window. “As long as they don’t find out anything about who we are or why we’re here, everything will be fine,” you agreed, the doubt evident in your voice and the way you were biting your cheek to distract you from the sense of doom you were experiencing. 

Docking at Phylaca’s spaceport was unexpectedly easy, the man who had answered the intercom had welcomed you to land on one of the less crowded docks before they could come to meet you. You had worried they would take you as pirates or something worse since you weren’t authorized to be there, but the man on the speaker had jokingly called you out on “not exactly looking like a pirate ship.” You weren’t sure how you should take that, but you were thankful that it had let you both safely land on the planet. 

A guard was coming closer, he didn’t look like most guards you had seen before, he was rather short and his stature was on the smaller side. His presence, however, was enormous. The way he carried himself made you a bit nervous as he approached. You went out to meet him, hoping it wasn’t all a ploy to get you and Cheol arrested, he stayed behind inside the ship, having been convinced that it would be safer if nobody had seen him on Phylaca at all. San had recognized him as a level 1 automaton, even though most people can’t tell the difference at all, who was to say that nobody else would? 

“Hey,” the man said and reached out a hand, “Welcome to Phylaca, the intergalactic prison.” 

You had to swallow hard to not reveal how nervous that made you. “Hey, me and my crew were hoping that we could stay here for just a little while, just until we can restock on some supplies and fuel. We’ll be out of your hair before you can even count to 10!” You rambled, not much thought going into what you were saying even though your brain was running in circles trying not to say anything stupid. 

His features were sharp, delicate in some way, he stared at you expressionless as he listened. 

“That soon? On the run or something?” He said, the same expressionless eyes staring at you suspiciously. 

Fuck, you had already fucked it all up. You would die in prison and they would probably send Cheol back to earth and he would forget everything and you would be left here all alone for all of eternity! You wanted to cry. The guard must’ve noticed, because as he saw the tears trying their hardest not to fall from your bottom lashes his expression let up, eyebrows knitting worriedly together and he reached out a hand, “No, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry!” 

The tears fell, and you wiped them off, pulling back from the hand the guard had reached out for you. “I was only kidding, okay? I’m gonna tell you a secret, yeah?” 

Your tears were gone, you mind a huge question mark as the guard you had been speaking to for about two minutes had 1. Made you cry, 2. Guess your life’s story in two seconds, and 3. Wants to tell you a secret so you won’t cry?? 

Who was this man? 

“You’re not the first person who has ended up here while on the run, and I’ll help if you are! That’s my secret…” he whispered, looking at you with a curious eye. Was he waiting for you to respond to him disclosing what was most likely highly restricted information to you just because you were tired and scared?

“Uhm…” you were speechless, “I’m y/n, I’d love help…” 

“Oh wow, okay that was much easier than it usually is. Hi y/n, I’m Hongjoong,” he gave you a gentle smile now, somehow reassuring you that you would be okay, even if you had just been offered illegal help from what you figured was basically a corrupt guard. 

“What? He just agreed to help us? A Phylaca guard agreed to restock our storage and fuel tank. Just like that?” Cheol was in disbelief, you nodded with big eyes, barely believing it yourself. 

“I mean, it’s possible that he only said he would because I was crying and he wanted some time to get more guards to come and arrest us… but he seemed very nice!” 

He was in shock, and he was scared, you could see it in his face before he hid it in his hands, rubbing away the worries as much as possible. 

“He… did he not want anything in return?” He finally asked. You were silent for a moment. “Y/n. What did he ask you to do in return for this huge favor?” 

His voice was stern, and you would need to tell him eventually anyhow. 

“…he wants us to help one of his acquaintances get off of Phylaca…” you mumbled, a bit scared of how he would react to you agreeing to host strangers on your ship. 

“You invited refugees from a prison to our ship?” 

“…I did.”

He stared at you, his expression hard to read. 

“Can we run before they get here?” 

“I don’t think we should…”

“…Fine, let’s wait for them, whoever they are. But if it turns out they’re literal murderers or something, we should kick them off sooner rather than later,” he said before standing up. You were standing by the door, not having gotten much further into the room created for the kitchen staff on the ship, the room that you had deemed safe enough for Cheol to stay in while you went outside to meet Hongjoong. 

He walked to you, taking your face in his hands, “Thank you for coming back safely, even if this deal might get us killed in the end.” 

You chuckled but was interrupted when Cheol leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to your lips. 

The ship was ready to lift, but the docks were even emptier than you had seen them during the entire time you had been on Phylaca. Hongjoong hadn’t talked to you much since that first day. He had sent notes along with the supplies he had sent over. It was terrifying each time a delivery was made, you never knew if this was the day you would be found out and arrested. But Hongjoong had turned out to be trustworthy, and you had kept your own promise of staying to help out his acquaintances in need too, at least so far. 

“They haven’t shown yet?” Cheol asked when he came back to the cockpit where you sat, prepared to lift the moment your new passengers were on the ship. 

“Nope, Hongjoong said that they would show up about now… should we leave if they don’t come?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe they will come after us if we leave…we don’t know how much we should trust that guard if we break our deal.” 

He was right, you needed to wait; you needed to keep your promise to make it off Phylaca safely. If you had done all this just to get arrested while leaving the planet, it would’ve all been in vain. 

You waited, the silence of the empty-looking planet feeling increasingly eerie. 

Then you spotted them, you gasped, they were running. Two people were running towards you. You couldn’t see them clearly, they were too far away at first. You recognized the jacket on one of them, it belonged to the guard on Phylaca. The other person was seemingly wearing matching clothes. Were they criminals? What had you gotten yourselves into? 

You didn’t call for Cheol to come look, but he noticed the way you tensed up as you saw them coming closer and the way your breath hitched in your throat when you finally saw them. You recognized one of them from the big plasma screens. His face had been everywhere. Even though you hadn’t been looking much at any of the members standing beside the man you had found out was the idol you were talking to in secret, you could recall his face lit up with the cold blue lights in the evening. He was one of the 53V3NT33N members. D1N0. One of the members Cheol had been forced to leave behind when he ran. He was here, on Phylaca. 

Cheol stood frozen beside you. They stopped just a couple hundred feet away, the other person blocking the view of D1N0’s face. Something was happening, you didn’t know what, but when you saw the guards you didn’t even care anymore. You weren’t going to get caught here, not like this. D1N0 had stayed behind. He pushed the other person forward, and simply watched as they ran toward the ship. They ran away from him, away from the guards, and towards you and Cheol. 

They were the acquaintances Hongjoong had spoken of, they were supposed to leave with you. Both of them. But only one of them got on board. Cheol was still frozen, you weren’t sure if he was even there anymore. You couldn’t wait. The stranger that had run on board was safe. 

You left the docks, hearing a faint, “No!” You knew it was Cheol, but the instinct to get you all to safety was greater than his shouts for you to turn back. He could’ve overpowered you and made you go back, but he didn’t even think that far. He ran to the doors that would’ve led him outside. A large bang echoed through the metal hallways of the spacecraft along with a pained sob. You didn’t know if it came from Cheol or your new passenger.

But there was nothing to step onto, only space. The view of D1N0 was soon lost, you didn’t want any of you to see what would happen to him as he stayed on Phylaca. 

You didn’t want to know what you had done as you left without him. 

Cheol was quiet. So quiet. 

He said nothing, he barely looked at you. It felt like a stab in the back each time he looked away from you when you even looked his way or opened your mouth. 

The bang had come from Cheol making a dent in the interior of the ship, wrecking his hand in the meantime. You had looked at his broken hand in horror, the sight of his skin cracked but without a single drop of blood or bone showing made you queasy. 

The stillness of the ship continued for days. Your new passenger having shut themselves away from the both of you, it was different than Cheol, but the silence was crushing anyhow. There was nowhere to go, you were stuck right there, in the middle of the universe. 

You used everything San had taught you back at Specus to help heal Cheol’s hand. With bandages and thread, you sewed and patched his cracked skin over the mechanical workings of his broken self. It didn’t help him deal with his real pain though, you knew that. 

You couldn’t understand either of their pain completely, but you tried. He didn’t want you to try. He was hurt and he wanted you to feel as alone as he did, you knew he just didn’t want to be completely alone in his pain. So you let him stay as he was: quiet and angry. 

He didn’t touch you anymore. He didn’t talk to you. He didn’t even care to respond to a single question you asked for over a week. You cried yourself to sleep each night, and did your best to create a new daily routine now that everything had changed into this still place of pain and dark glances thrown your way. 

You had begun blaming yourself, you had made the choice, maybe you did deserve to be shut out by everyone. 

You waited for days for him to take the first step, to tell you that he was ready to talk about it all, to tell you that he wasn’t mad about the choice you had made. He never did. He didn’t say a word. The solitude continues for all three of you on your lonely spacecraft on your way to a planet that didn’t exist…

It continued until you felt yourself going mad, the days had melted together in a bad way, the only emotion you had felt was gray and sticky and you hated it. You had begun hating yourself because of it. 

“Cheol.” Was all you said to him, startling him where he sat staring into space from the cockpit. You stood a couple steps away from him, closer to the door than to the man who seemed like a shell of who he had been before Phylaca. 

At first, he only responded with silence, but after a moment words formed. “Do you know why I had the phone you called in the first place?”

His voice sounded raspy and repressed as if he was choking on the syllables. You shook your head in response. He didn’t see you, but he continued. 

“I convinced the management that I needed a phone that wasn’t connected to the network so that in case anything bad happened to me or the members, I would be able to contact help even when our communication devices didn’t work.” 

His voice wasn’t more than a choked whisper. The words still felt like a slap to the face. 

“Everything I have ever said, done, and felt has always been meant to help my members, they’re my family. Instead, I used what I had gained in the name of helping them, to ruin everything. I did it all for my own selfish desires. Can you understand how much shame and guilt is crushing me every day? Every minute I spend away from them. Not even knowing if they’re okay.”

You had nothing to say. What could you say? Could any of your words comfort him at all? Could you make him the slightest bit happier right now? Could you ever manage to keep him happy? Distracting him from all the disasters of the universe wasn’t possible, so what could you do? 

Instead, you continued to say nothing. Your body fell back against the cold metal wall behind you. You couldn’t say a single word to help him, but you could let him say all the words he needed to say to help himself. 

He stayed quiet for a while. Your shuffling as you slid down to the floor against the wall told him you were still there. His figure slumped back against the chair he sat in. 

“I just, I can’t believe I actually left them all to fucking deal with all of this by themselves. I don’t even know if they made it out alive.” He began, voice still strained as he tried to hide everything that wished to rip him apart from within. “I was supposed to be there for them, to be their leader who stood by them no matter what. And you know what, I took pride in that, I was so proud to be the one to support those guys even in the situation we were in.”

You stayed quiet. Quiet tears streamed down your face as you listened. 

“How could I just leave? What? Because I was scared of forgetting this? I could’ve stayed, I could’ve figured something out.” He was beginning to sound angry now.

“Cheol, no. You know you couldn’t have. This was the only way… wasn’t it?” You whispered, the tears clouding your eyes as you watched the back of his head. 

“I- I don’t know anymore y/n. Maybe I wasn’t thinking clearly at all, maybe I was actually sick like they said…” he sighed. 

Your heart was in your throat, swallowing hard you decided to say your peace as well. “So… because you loved someone- no, because you loved me, you’re gonna blame yourself for everything that has happened? That feels like you’re actually blaming me, you know?”

This made him turn around. His features were tired and his skin was dull. He hadn’t been taking care of himself at all. 

“Y/n, stop it. You know this isn’t your fault.” He mumbled. Tired eyes looking at your tear-stained face. 

“No, maybe it is. You would’ve never broken the rules, they would’ve never found out and you would’ve never been almost rebooted. And most importantly - if you had never loved me you wouldn’t have had to abandon your family.”

“Please, just stop that y/n.” He groaned and let his head fall back, eyes closed, he was in pain. You didn’t know if it was physical or mental. Nevertheless, you wanted him to listen as well. You were in pain too. 

“What? Am I making you feel bad for thinking it’s me that’s the problem and not the goddamn company that put you through it all from the start? Am I making you feel like you’re making me feel with all of your talk of how ashamed you feel that you left that life behind? Because I know, I remember how out of everything horrible in your life back then, those boys were the only thing that made you happy while you were there… So please, stop beating yourself up, Cheol. The past has already happened, we managed to get out right? What makes you think the others weren’t as lucky as we were?”

He stayed quiet for a while. His silence made your heart drop. You needed to ask him straight up. 

“Do you blame me? Do you hate me?” Your voice wasn’t more than a whisper, but he heard you. It was impossible for him not to. 

“I-” he tried, but his voice broke. The tears welled in your eyes. You wanted to fight for what you two had, but if he blamed you… whatever you had might be too far from saving. 

“It’s okay. I understand.” 

You forced yourself to say it, you couldn’t walk away from him. Even if he hated you, you refused to be the one to leave. 

“It’s not that I hate you, I just hate how it hurts. Because it really fucking hurts. I’m in pain every single second and I don’t know how to make it stop.” His voice was breaking as tears streamed down his face. “But, I… I can’t lose you too.”

You placed the back of your hand over your mouth, trying to somehow hold back the pain that wanted to consume you from the inside. 

“We should’ve tried saving Dino…” 

You got up from your corner, your arms finally letting your legs go, replacing your own arms around your body with Cheol’s. He hugged you. Tightly. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. It was relieving to say it. He had been in a shame spiral for the past few weeks. He just hadn’t noticed. Still, you stayed with him, waited for him, listened to him. He wanted to repay you for all of it. 

Weeks passed yet again. Things got better, slowly but surely. You talked to each other. You were beginning to forgive each other for those weeks after Phylaca. It wasn’t easy. 

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, sleep, and repeat. Small conversations, still trying not to start up another fight. It was exhausting. 

The stranger still wasn’t speaking much, too wrapped up in their own mind to be able to share the pain they kept inside. Not that either of you were sharing your struggles with them anyhow. It was a mutual understanding that all three of you needed some space, even as you were trapped together in space. Galaxies passed you by, and you found yourself passing time by watching the tiny lights fly past the large windows from the cockpit.  

Sometimes, Cheol sat with you. Holding your hand, comforting you without words just like he had been that day when this had all begun. That helped. It helped both of you; knowing that neither of you actually wanted to abandon what you had, even after everything. 

When something finally showed up in front of your ship, only a small planet, not much bigger than the moon of the earth, you didn’t allow yourself to get your hopes up. 

After so many months, this was probably only another uninhabited planet with a poisonous atmosphere. 

“I don’t wanna get your hopes up, Cheol, but this planet looks so much like earth…” you shouted to Cheol who was trying to get your guest to eat some of the lunch from earlier, with very little success. 

If this was Lumen, maybe everything would be okay.

Maybe the void of space you had been traveling through had an end after all, despite the overwhelming feeling of being trapped and that you would all end up wasting away inside the ship on your long journey. 

But if this was it…

You let the ship continue straight ahead. Cheol and your guest joined you in the cockpit after hearing your shouts across the deck. 

All three of you watched as the planet became bigger. You could see water, and green patches everywhere. Clouds! There were clouds and an atmosphere surrounding the small planet. 

You had gone off autopilot, Cheol helping you steer the ship toward the planet. You circled it, trying to draw attention to yourselves through the intercom system. No sign of life was heard until a small voice came through, a child. “Hello! Are you aliens??” The child asked over the crackling of the coms. 

You wanted to shout, there was life here! 

“Hello? We’re outside of your airspace, our registration is BO883628K, and we are requesting permission to land!” You shouted back. 

“What are you doing?!” Another voice could be heard, the small child squealed and the crackling disappeared. You were scared the last shot at landing somewhere had been lost forever, but the other voice came back after just a moment. 

“Hey? Who is this?” 

Your body was tense, nerves firing uncontrollably as you explained your errand yet again. 

“Of course, welcome to Lumen, wanderers.” 

You yelped, “Lumen?! We found it?” You were jumping up and down, laughing and shouting as you felt all your worries leaving your body. Your new home was right below you, welcoming you with a warm embrace and new hope.

“Yes, you found it,” the voice crackled, you could hear them chuckling a bit at your excited yelling. “There are bigger docks located northeast of your current location, go there to land safely.”

You found a house, outside one of the small towns near the docks. You had nothing to give in return for the hospitality the diverse population of Lumen offered you, Cheol, and your newest passenger. 

They didn’t care, they told you that most of the people there had already been through the same suffering that you all had. Anyone who made it to Lumen was treated like family, nobody was to be left empty-handed just because they were strangers to the people. 

“Is this really here? Am I dead or asleep or something?” You said in wonder, grasping at Seungcheol’s arm. You stood in your new kitchen, it was simple, but airy. The view from the kitchen showed the sunny forest lying just behind the garden and the porch. 

“If you’re dreaming I’m dreaming with you.” He laughed hysterically. “But I think it might be real…” 

You jumped into Cheol’s embrace, hugging and kissing him like the past few weeks had all been a bad dream, like this was your true reality and everything bad could be forgotten completely. 

He seemed happy as well, looking around the large house with you, coming up with ways you could improve the place, and how you could make the vegetable garden prosper once again. It was overgrown and run down, everything had been left to its own devices. But it was vacant, and the townspeople had agreed that you two would be wonderful as the new owners of the house. It was a short forest walk back to the town, where you had parted from your quiet passenger, telling them that they were welcome any day and that you would always have a spare room and a shoulder to cry on. It made Cheol happy, somehow trying to make up for the fact that you had lost D1N0 on Phylaca through this person that he must’ve cared about more than his own life. 

“Do you think they will be able to find their way here too? The members, I mean. Like we did?” You whispered, resting your head on Cheol’s shoulder, your hand in his. You watched the dark green leaves swaying in the summer breeze, the flowers following the sun that shone more than it was gone, and the grass on the ground scenting the air you breathed in. 

“I hope so, I think they will know eventually.”

“Know what?” You said and looked at him. 

“That we’re here.”

You tilted your head. “How would they know to find us here of all places?” 

“Remember the secret I had with San on the first ship?” He said and smiled, embarrassed about something. 

You nodded. Not quite understanding what he meant yet. 

“I told him to tell anyone he met that might be related to us. Actually, I told him to let anyone like us know that if we got here, we would offer a home for them to rest at.”

Tears welled in your eyes, he had been thinking of everyone else this entire time. Not once had he let himself be entirely selfish, you squeezed his hand, bringing it up to your lips and pressing a thankful kiss to his soft skin. 

“I think they will come, eventually.” 

The years passed on Lumen. You and Cheol had made a home for yourselves. A home that would be open for any runaways, robot, alien, and human alike. It was safe, happy, and hopeful because one day everything might be absolutely perfect in your new home. 

The spare rooms of your new house would exist for them if they could ever get to their leader. The thought helped him continue, to live life to the fullest until they could join him. It comforted you as well, knowing that he had some hope left and that maybe he could let go of some of the guilt you knew he carried with him each day, and instead let himself be proud of something once again. 

Reblogging and commenting is highly appreciated!! Hearing what you thought is what makes writing and being here overall so much fun! Ty and ily 💕

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[svtminji]

EP. 14 Relationships Aren’t Built To Last | SEVENTEEN : HIT THE ROAD

pairings. seventeen x oc word count. 2.8k content warnings. family stuff, mentions of johnny like thrice, ankle twisting, mention of seungcheol anxiety hitaus, a slight hint of mizuki's depression, knetz (japan new era-sana situation), joshua and mizuki's moms being bffs, mizuki's self-doubt, comfort tbh, angst.. dialouge notes. 'normal' = korean, 'italic' = japanese, 'bold' = english, 'bold-italic' = spanish an. enjoy this three hour written htr episode lol..

The female member sighed as she continued to get ready. All of these years of performing on stage and not a single memory would comfort her in this time of need.

"What if I missed a step in the choreography, what if I mess up the vocal pitch, what if I twist my ankle, what if-"

"Minji, we need you to start putting on your mic pack and your jacket." A distant voice disrupted her thoughts. She turned around and saw her long-term stylist trying to rush her into getting ready.

"Sorry, I'm just.. just distracted."

"There's no need to be distracted if you're going to perform for your fans. You need to put your best version of yourself no matter what, and being distracted is not an excuse."

"I know that, but I-"

"Minji, you need to get ready. Your members are waiting for you." The female stylist argued and ended the discussion.

Right. The staff weren't family no matter what, even if you spend years together with them.

͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏⠀⠀⠀ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏⠀⠀⠀͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏⠀⠀⠀ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏hit the road - intro

͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏⠀⠀⠀episode fourteen - Relationships Aren’t Built To Last

— “Osaka is a place of comfort for me. It’s a place where I can see myself spending time with my loved ones. But with the events that played out, I can't see it as that anymore.”

🫧 𓇼 ೀ OSAKA, JAPAN. - 10.2019

The camera cuts to Mizuki staring at her members. Everything during this stop wasn’t going right, and it was evident on everyone’s faces. She didn’t want to appear weak, but the cameras caught her face in a demise. The female member was going through something that was eating her alive, her love for her then-boyfriend. It was reasonable that she would eventually have to call it quits but so early into the tour? Not only was that consuming her but the extra pressure she put on herself. She needed a break, or she just needed to break down her walls.

The camera goes from Mizuki to Seungkwan, who’s having a bit of a concern for her.

“Hey Minji, are you doing well? I’m sure you’re excited to be in your home country, right?” He asked, knowing the answer that’ll come out of her lips.

“Huh..? Oh, I’m doing well. I think I’ll have a few problems but it’s not something I haven’t experienced at all before. I really missed Osaka, it’s very important for me.” Mizuki replied, though it didn’t sit right with the rest of the members around her. She was in a sitting stance that showed defensiveness, and not-ready-to-share vulnerability.

They all knew she wasn’t ready mentally to go out and perform like she did in Seoul. She was still together with Johnny during that time, and this was her first concert without him. When they had the countries and cities listed for the Ode To You Tour, she recalled the time she had brought her special person to Osaka.

— “I don’t like to appear weak. It’s something I never allowed myself to show, but I also have feelings. Now that it has been months from ending it with Johnny, I have been better and I would like to think that having support from my members and our fans made it happen.” Mizuki said to the camera and stopped for a bit, “I don’t want to make this about him, but he is someone who’s been by my side for a long time, even before Seventeen. I think people wouldn't want me to talk about him, so I’ll just end this talk for now.”

🫧 𓇼 ೀ OSAKA, JAPAN. - 10.2019

"Whenever I have the time to come home, I always think about my family. I had the chance to fly out my parents from the States, and I'm getting a little nervous. Because I have diverse parents, I don't get the chance to see them all the time and I think that's what the foreign members and I have in common." She told the camera with a slight smile. It was the truth and she had to realize it one way or another. It was 5 hours before the concert, and she sat on the couch figuring what to do to pass time.

By the looks of it, Mizuki was really excited to showcase what she was working on to her parents. Being an idol wasn't the easiest job and being away from home was even harder. At least she had family in Japan, but it wasn't the same without her parents there with them.

– "Mizuki really kept to herself for most of the tour. We had talked about how it was going for her, but she didn't mention any of her actual feelings about the situation she was in." Seungcheol mentions, reminiscing about the tour, "She works hard, and when her parents couldn't make it to Japan, it really took a toll on her."

The video cuts to the cameraman focusing the camera on the worried Seungcheol. He had his phone by his ear and he scanned the room for the female member. With the call ending, he pulled it away from his ear and went up to Mizuki. Seungcheol told her to come with him, and he pulled her aside from the rest of the members. To the viewers, it was evident that Mizuki's parents couldn't make it, but to the members, it was worrisome. The leader and co-leader (with the cameraman as well but distant) were outside of the waiting room. Seungcheol didn't know how to start and the way Mizuki was staring at him, she wanted to know what was going on.

"You said your parents were coming, right?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I paid for their tickets and luggage. Why is this anything important?"

He looked at her and held her by her shoulders. "Your mom called me, and with her level of Korean, she told me that they can't make it to Osaka."

As soon as he stopped talking, he watched the gears work in Mizuki's head. She spoke in a timid voice, "Not even to the rest of the Japanese tour?"

He shook his head, "They can't make it to Japan. She told me that they have too much going on at the moment and they wanted me to tell you because they know how you'll react to the news."

Mizuki just looked at the floor and kept her gaze there. Many thoughts ran threw her head but only one question came up: Why? Why couldn't they make it? Did they not care? Was she not worthy to be seen? Did they not lo-

"Hey," Seungcheol lifted her chin so she could face him, "I'm sure they'll explain it to you soon enough. Don't forget we're having the LA stop, so you can see them there as well."

Though she nodded at his words, she couldn't help but let out the tears. Sensing that this would happen, he pulled her into his embrace, letting her cry out as much as she wanted. All words that was exchanged were comforting, and that was all Mizuki needed to hear.

– "Do you usually cry?" — "To be honest, I'm quite a crybaby when I do get extremely emotional. My mom giving Seungcheol the information first was probably the best idea because I don't think I would've told my members about the situation. So, thanks, Mom."

🫧 𓇼 ೀ JAPANESE TOUR - 10.2019

Other than the unfortunate incidents with Chan getting sick and Mizuki's parents not being able to come, the Japanese tour went well. But of course, the feeling of being well breaks soon after. There were times that she felt like she wasn't doing the best at protecting her members or even looking after them. Of course she had to worry about herself first, but there was always a feeling of incomptence.

She would never say it out loud, or even to her members, but she felt like she was useless at times. During the Japanese stops, Mizuki spent her time translating and helping out the members in Japanese. With the events that had played out early 2019 about the new Japanese Era, she felt like she couldn't express herself in her mother tongue. At the Chiba stop, she expressed her worries:

"When I had posted something about Japan's new era, I was not in the best state. As much as I don't let hurtful words affect me, in a way, they still do. I'm thankful to even be here with my members and I hope everything can go well in the future."

🫧 𓇼 ೀ NORTH AMERICA - 01.2020

The stops during the first two weeks of January went fine. Mizuki was put up the the co-leader role because Seungcheol had taken a break for his anxiety. Every new stop and it had felt like every member was missing or just complete done with the tour. Touring in North America meant English interviews and that was tiring for the main English speakers of the group. There was no rest period in between the US dates, and frankly, she was tired.

— "As part of the trio of main dancers, I do get my injuries and my ankle had twisted pretty badly during Houston. I never understood why my stylist paired my outfit with heels, considering encore was pretty extreme. Though I did make it out fine and continued the rest of the tour with flat shoes."

The cameraman filmed each member getting off the stage and Mizuki was seen limping in the background. The scene cuts to another scene with an ice-pack around an ankle. Discarded heels were on the ground and a blanket was wrapped around Mizuki's lower body.

"I think I twisted my ankle when we were Aju-Niceing," Mizuki sighed at the memory, "I don't think it's pretty bad and I think my feet have gone through worse."

"You should still take it easy during these next cities. It won't benefit any of us if our second leader leaves as well." Jeonghan points out, making his way next to her to which she scoots to give him room to sit.

She paused, then she agreed. He had a point and she couldn't let down her members. Mizuki laid her head on his shoulder and focused her gaze on the resting members. The manger had entered the room and he was announcing the next stop: Mexico City. Right, how could've Mizuki forgotten her father?

"Could you pass me my phone? I should call my dad, like right now." Mizuki asked Mingyu, who happened to pass by it. He handed it to her and Mizuki started to find her father's contact.

She placed it on speaker and on the second ring, he answered. The rest of the members knew Mizuki's parental situation and they always found it interesting how she would speak in her father's native language. Though, they would be confused with their dynamic.

"Hi Dad, I just got off work like a few minutes ago."

"Ah, my Mari. How was it?"

"It went well but I'm pretty tired from all of it. How about you?"

"I've been well as well, work has been hectic but it's my job. I'm sure you understand. Mom's been great too, as well as your brother. He's been struggling with his English homework and that boy is literally fluent in it."

"Really? I'm glad that you and mom are doing well. And there's no way he's struggling at it; I'm definitley going to talk to him about it. Um- I forgot to ask, are you coming to Mexico City? I was thinking you would at least see your home country."

"I'm so sorry my mariposa. As much as I would love to go, I can't."

Mizuki sighed, it was Osaka all over again. "It's fine Dad. We have two stops in California anyways, I'm sure you and mom are going to both."

"Of course, why would I miss it when I have you so close? Don't forget your brother, he's coming as well. Alright kiddo, I'm figuring that it's close to 12 over there and considering you have a concert in two days, you need to rest."

She humed in agreeance, "The members are here incase you want to say any goodbyes. They've been listening to the converstation."

A faint laugh is heard in the background. "You decide to tell me this now? Wow. Cannot believe my own daughter. Your mom can tell them my goodbyes for me." He passed the phone to his wife. "Hi Mizuki, and hi everyone! I hope everyone had a good time at the concert. Thank you for taking care of our Mizuki and don't worry, Joshua's mom and I have prepared food for all of you guys when you arrive. Have a good night! Bye Mizuki, love you."

The beep is heard throughout the room, and everyone glances at Mizuki. She stares at her phone screen and sighs.

"At least it wasn't that bad," Soonyoung tells her which makes her look up at him, "I mean, your dad told you he's not making it to Mexico, and it's one more stop til you see your parents."

"Yeah, not to mention it seems like my mom has used a lot of her Korean to your mom. And they prepared many things for us, so let's look on the bright side." Joshua also commented on the matter.

The members agreed with what the older had said, and to their suprise, Mizuki had agreed as well. Maybe it was for the best to not look too far into it.

Mexico had gone by in a flash and the members were on their way to the Golden State, California. The home state of Mizuki and Joshua and most importantly, where both native Californians would see their family after a long time. As soon as Mizuki had arrived at her childhood home, she ran into the embrace of her parents and her brother. Luggage was forgotten, picked up by Mingyu on the way into her house, and all that was in her head was her family. Everything that had happened in the past year went away and it felt like she was finally healing.

— "When I had made it into my childhood home after a year or so, I felt like I was at peace. Obviously my past year didn't just dissolve as soon as I entered the house, but it felt like it did. Talking to my mom about what had happened was very therapeutic for me and I think having such a close relationship with my mom has really made it even better." She spoke. "I also believe it was also a good time for Joshua to bond with his parents because he had been away from them around the same time as I have. We spent the rest of the day resting and enjoying the embarssing stories."

🫧 𓇼 ೀ SOUTHEASTERN ASIA - 11.2019 & 2.2020

It was not looking too well for the members during November. Every tour stop had one or two members missing, and now with Seungcheol taking his well-deserved rest, it felt like more were gone. Mizuki stepped up to the leader role and needed to have everything in check. Sometimes she felt like she was incompent as a leader but she didn't want to show it.

– "Mizuki doesn't realize that we can see her struggling. As much as we see her struggling with her emotions, we know when to intervene and when not to." Jihoon adds, "During the time Seungcheol was gone, I feel like everyone went in some sort of panic but Mizuki really made a difference by taking the role he had. There was a change in leadership, but it wasn't so noticable."

February roles around and the third stop in Southeastern Asia comes around. Manila was always beautiful place, especially it's architecture. Spanish colonial times had an effect on the city, and Mizuki always took her time looking around for familiar tastes.

Manila was an amazing night, considering it was the last stop of the Ode To You Tour. Unfortunately with Covid-19 rising, Pledis Ent. had to cancel the two remaining stops in the Southeastern Asia tour and the European Tour.

Though none of the stops held strong importance to her, she felt bummed out on the idea that Carats couldn't see them due to the pandemic. Entry to countries was getting harder, especially coming from Asian countries. All Seventeen members were sent to South Korea days following the concert, and had strict rules placed. All Mizuki knew was that the world tour had ended, and she could finally have her peace. Or so she thought. Considering how Jihoon works in his studio, she knew there was a comeback happening soon.

— "Even when I'm at my lowest, my members are always here for me and they can always count on me to do the same for them. I started the tour as the same person I was, and I left it feeling different. Perhaps it can be for the better or for the worst."

this draft has been here for MONTHS. like as soon as i started this account. i began rewriting this fic like a few days ago and in the last two hours, i think i wrote over like 1k words :3. i rewatched hit the road after like a year or so and having to sync up events from memory onto the fic is like hard for me. this isn't like the rest of the htr episodes and i wanted it to be special. this fic mostly was based on her family stuff. so yay!!! svtminij est. 2023

[clownprincehoeshi]

PARALLEL HEARTS- CHAPTER 8

Synopsis: Never in your wildest dreams you imagined that you’ll meet your ult bias. But it seems that the universe really loves you this time. Will Jeon Jungkook notice you?

Pairing: fem reader x ?idol

Genre: Fluff, Smut, Angst

Warnings: for all chapters-Kissing-Nudity-Sex 18+-Stalking-Harrassment-Cheating-Death mentions Minors don’t interact!

Word count: 4704

Previous chapter

Masterlist

Don't forget rebloging is important and much apreciated! <3

Of course headache was your best friend the next day

Y/N: Fucking hell, I drank so much. Why did you let me do it? Some friends I have.

Hana: But it was really funny watching you drunk. And you’re a good drunk, fun, friendly, funny, clingy. Just like someone else I know.

Y/N: Shut uuup! I need water and pills.

Hana: Let’s get out of bed first, drink water, take something for the headache and get ready. We’re having breakfast out. I know a new cute place that opened.

Y/N: Damn, are you like a city tour guide but for places you can eat and hang out? I never ever in my life had went out this much as I have since I met you.

Hana: You love it though, even if you’re such an introvert.

Y/N: Hehe, you caught me.

You two were out in no time, holding hands and walking quietly towards the breakfast place.

When you got there, everything was in shades of pink and white. Really cute, you thought. You ordered some delicious sandwiches and pancakes, along with some cocoa-milk.

Y/N: Am I in heaven now? What is going on, how did I die?

Hana: It’s so good, right?

Y/N: Huh! Yah-huh. It’s so ridiculous. I need to bring the guys here.

Hana: You know, I was thinking that I miss the ’97 crew get together and we all know what happened and how we kind of stopped doing our regular dinners. I really miss hanging out with my cousin like that and it’s the only time when I get to see him, with him being so busy. SO..

Y/H: Babe, you can meet them if you want, I don’t mind.

Hana: What if JK or Mingyu are there? I really don’t want to speak to them, especially fucking Jungkook.

Y/N: Well, I don’t know. I guess you can just ignore him? And you can be friendly with Gyu, he’s not horrible. And the rest of the guys are all right.

Hana: You think JK and Mingyu talk?

Y/N: Not sure. Last time I saw them, they were not on good terms, and Gyu thinks JK is my stalker. But you never know, they were really good friends before I showed up.

Hana: Yeah, I guess you’re right. We’ll see, I will come with gossip though.

Y/N: Come on, let’s head home. Tomorrow we’ll have a really busy day at work with all those meetings and planning.

Hana: I really think they’ll announce we got the Seventeen project.

Y/N: I don’t know if I’m excited about it.

Next day comes around and it was like Hana said. Your company got the new Seventeen project. You’ll be working close with them for their new album and world tour. One whole year of touring all over the world, wow. They gotten really big.

Hana: Look, they have a bunch of concerts in Europe. We should definitely go to some. We might need to be there with the staff anyways for the stage, settings and styling. That would be fun, wouldn’t it?

Y/N: I mean… I guess. I would see him too much for my liking, but things maybe will be better by then. The company will sure send a team to some of the venues for sure.

This was unexpected. You knew how things worked in this business. If you worked with an artist and they had concerts, your company needed to send people there. At least I’ll travel.

Weeks of intensive work followed. Planning and preparations, filming, shootings. Mingyu came back from his hiatus and when you met on the set or in meetings you kept it short and civilised.

They had their comeback now and album promotions. Some tv shows here and there, some live performances. You were there with your team for most of them. Tour was right around the corner and you felt pretty excited.

You, Hana and 3 other people from your company were supposed to be with the group in most of the locations. You never travelled so much and you couldn’t wait for it. All those cities, all that culture and history. You were always fascinated by it.

The day of the departure was here. You woke up at 2 am to get ready. You had 2 big suitcases filled with clothes and personal stuff. You made yourself look pretty and presentable, you will be flying together with the members and some of the staff.

Most of the other staff were already at the location. First stop, L.A. You’ve never been to the US and you were shitting your pants right now.

The airport was crazy, filled with fans, photographs, journalists, staff, suitcases on top of suitcases. This was crazy.

The company finally got a private plane for the boys, they became too successful now and they really need privacy more than ever. No more crazy fans stalking them into their flights wherever they went.

Plane took off and in no time the crew brought breakfast for everyone. You sat next to Hana and in front of you were Jun and Minghao.

Jun: Well this is going to be a long ass flight, so we should eat and sleep.

Minghao: You’re always sleeping.

Y/N: He’s a cat, of course he sleeps a lot.

Minghao: BTW, Y/N, I am really happy to have you with us on this tour.

Y/N: Oh? Why?

Minghao: You’re the only one that doesn’t get shy when I flirt with them.

Y/N: You don’t know that, maybe I get shy but I hide it really well.

Minghao: Naaahh, I know you. Not even a small blush on your cheeks and you never fluster, you always have a comeback. I like you.

Jun: Whoah, what the hell man? You trying to seduce my bestie right in front of my croissant?

You all started my laugh at Jun’s face, he was stuffing his mouth with croissants, barely able to form coherent words, crumbs falling in the air.

You could see Mingyu over Jun’s shoulder, looking your way. He was smiling, but his eyes were sad. You thought your feelings for him were not as strong. You were even sure you were not in love with him anymore, you were not feeling sad when you saw him now. You were not feeling that punch in your stomach, knowing he was not yours anymore.

Finally, things felt normal. And you thought Jungkook moved on too, since the stalking ended. No weird messages or phone calls in the middle of the night, no more dark shadows following you. Things were good.

Things were really good.

Minghao: So how’s your love life lately, Y/N?

Y/N: You trying to make me choke on my food?

Minghao: Why? That bad?

Y/N: Let’s say I am content with being single for the rest of my life.

Jun: See what I mean? She acts like an old fart and she’s not even 30 yet. I keep telling her that love will hit her in the face so hard she won’t be able to say no.

Minghao: Come ooon Y/N! Why are you being so stubborn?

Y/N: Why Hao. Might you have a proposal for me? You like me, like me? You wanna wine and dine me?

Minghao: I would if I were single.

Y/N: You have a girlfriend?

Minghao: Yeah, it’s recent. We’re trying to see if we’re compatible, not rushing anything.

Y/N: Awww, that’s sweet, I’m happy for you, really.

Minghao: And here I thought you wanted to date me.

Hana: Hahaha, no. She loves to flirt, plus she likes someone else.

All 3 of you looked at her in shock, as if you saw a ghost.

Jun: What did you just say?

Y/N: How much did you drink already?

Out of nowhere, Seungkwan appeared.

Seungkwan: Who likes who? I need to know.

Jun: I can’t believe you have been keeping a crush secret from me? You bestie?

Hana: She won’t admit it. But I know. I see everything.

Seungkwan: Y/N! Please, you need to tell us. Do we know the guy? Is he cute?

You rolled your eyes at all of this. Everyone curious, asking questions. DK came too, also curious about your crush. You could also see Vernon looking at you, waiting to hear a name.

But most of all, you could see Mingyu looking right into your soul. He looked so disappointed, no more smile on his face, just all seriousness.

You felt small and ashamed. If you liked someone, it shouldn’t be anyone else’s business. And your ex should not be present at this conversation.

In fact, you don’t even know if you like that person or not. You promised yourself you won’t fall in love again, that you’re done with men.

You don’t know what you feel and you surely don’t want to talk about it.

Scoups: What’s going on, why all the fuss there?

DK: Y/N has a crush and she won’t say his name!!!

You saw Mingyu standing up, heading towards the restrooms. And while walking he said: Come on, guys, you’re being annoying. If she wants to tell you who it is, she will. Now leave her be!

You covered your face with both hands, making yourself small in your chair. Thank heavens for Kim Mingyu who rescued you once again. You start to think he might be an angel.

Minghao: Mingyu is right, we’re making her uncomfortable.

Hana: Oh! My bad, I thought it will be funny.

And she wraps her arms around you to apologise. Yup, she’s drunk, you can feel the soju from a mile.

Jun: Let’s go, Y/N, finish your food. You barely touched it. And we’ll talk later, ok?

He takes your hand and gives it a squeeze, along with a bright smile.

Y/N: You always know what to say, Juni.

You get back to your eggs and avocado and while lifting your glass to drink some water, you slowly move your head to your left and you see a very zoned out Hoshi looking at you.

You choke on the water straight away and start coughing. Hana part you on the back and asks if you’re ok, which you nod yes.

After everyone finished with their food, was time to sleep. All lights were turned off, seats reclined. You grabbed your blanket and tried to get some rest. Whenever you heard noises or people walking by, you opened your eyes. And every time you did that, you could see Mingyu looking at you.

Why is he doing this? Just go to sleep, let me be. I don’t want to remember stuff and don’t want to feel something for him again. I know that look, I know what he’s doing.

So your turn on your side to not have him in your line of vision anymore. But now you’re faced with a really adorable human hamster that’s asleep. Those puffy cheeks and that pretty pout makes you smile.

Mingyu catches that and it makes him sad, seeing he’s not the one that makes you smile like that. You’re a fool, Kim Mingyu. Someone will take her from you for good, and that might happen faster than you think.

This flight felt like a week. You couldn’t wait to get to your destination and get to work, to get your mind away from…stuff.

After the landing, the staff got out first, and went towards the exit and the company cars that were waiting. The members got out last and received a mini bus for their ride to the hotel.

The company had rented a few floors of the hotel and brough extra security. No strangers were allowed to get to the floor where you were all staying.

The rest of the day was for a quick meeting with everyone to let them know the schedule for tomorrow, then free time. Jun texted you after the meeting.

Jun: Hey, pookie! Let’s have some takeout in Hoshi’s room in one hour. He’ll order some Japanese and Italian, we’ll have plenty of food. Bring Hana too. Room 504.

Y/N: Ok, Juni.

Y/H: Wife, we’re having dinner with the guys in one hour.

Hana: Ok, I’ll get out from the shower in 10.

Ou rush to pick some cute comfy clothes to wear. Hana come out of the shower and sees you’re trying to pick an outfit. You already have a pair or sweatpants and a t shirt.

Hana: Girl, no! You want to be sexy too, not just homeless. Keep the pants, take this deep neck top. He’ll drool.

Y/N: Who?

Hana stops and looks at you straight in the eyes.

Hana: Drop the act. I know and you know who I’m talking about. You like him.

Y/N: No I don’t!

Hana: Just wear this and shut up. And if you don’t wanna tell me right now fine, but you will speak soon.

You try to drop the conversation, you really just wanna focus on work while on this tour, not on boys.

One hour later you’re in Hoshi’s room. There’s also Jun, Hao, Wonu and Joshua.

Hoshi: We have cola, soju and beer. What do you girls want?

Hana: We’ll have soju and beer.

You sit at the big table that they moved in the middle of the room and grab a plate. Jun tells you to try some pasta, because it seems it’s delicious and you love pasta.

When you take your look away from Jun and look at your plate, Hoshi is putting some pasta on it, along with some sushi.

Y/N: Oh..thanks.

He lifts his face and gives you a bright smile, smiling with his whole face.

The food is really good and the soju goes smoothly with it. You feel a little tipsy. You see Joshua with red cheeks, he must be a bit drunk already. Hana is getting there too.

Hana leans in to whisper into your ear: Damn, how are all these guys so freaking hot? How do you do it? Now falling for one of them each day.

Y/N: Keep your voice down, silly, and stop perving.

Hana: OK, but I only promise I won’t perv over your man.

You pinch her thigh and she squeaks loud, making you laugh at the funny sound.

Joshua: What are you girls whispering there? Are you talking about boys?

Hana: In fact, yes. We are.

Joshua: Uuuhh, do tell. I love me some boys gossip from my girls.

Y/N: Hana, stop it, they don’t need to know every thought that’s going trough your mind when you’re drunk, and btw, have you been drunk all day?

Joshua: I know! Let’s play a game!

Hana: Yeeeeeesss!

Wonu: What game, Shua?

Joshua: Ok, it’s important we keep it real and honest, ok? So we take turns, I will ask the person on my right a question. They can answer or they need to take a shot.

Wonu: Ok, let’s do it. I have nothing to hide.

Hoshi: Sure, why not.

Joshua: Ok, I will start then. Hao, are you in love with your girlfriend?

Hao: Umm…not yet. But getting there, me thinks. Wonu, what’s the most annoying thing your roommate Mingyu did in your apartment?

Wonu: Ugh, don’t get me started. He’s always so clumsy, but one time he dropped my phone inside his soup bowl.

Josua: Ok, we’re on a good track here, but let’s keep it interesting, yeah? Wonu, your turn.

Wonu: Hoshi, when are you going to tell your crush you like her?

All it can be heard is “whaat” and “uh”.

Minghao: Well now this is news. Since when and why didn’t I know?

Hoshi: Guys, it’s nothing. Wonu is exaggerating.

Wonu: But answer the question though!

Hoshi looks at his hands, then yells all of a sudden: I don’t know, ok?

Joshua: Omg, my little brother likes a girl. I’m happy, Hosh, about time. It’s been so long since…you know.

Hoshi: Yeah yeah, let’s move on. Jun, have you ever thought about being more than friends with Y/N?

Jun looks at him scandalised, opens his mouth in the shape of O and puts his hand over his chest.

Jun: My God, that’s so inappropriate to think about my sister. My bestie. Nooo. Buuut, we made a pact that if when we’re 40 and single, we’ll just marry each other. Now my dear friend Y/N, light of my eyes, kimchi in my rice. I have a really really important question for you.Do I know your crush?

Y/N: Why is everyone so obsessed about my love life?

Minghao: You have a love life?

Y/N: No.

Jun: Come on, bestie, tell me. Or you wanna drink?

Joshua: Let me voice my opinion here. After much thinking, I came to the conclusion that if you drink, it means Jun knows your crush. So either way, it’s better to answer.

Y/N: What a nice guy are you, Josh.

Joshua gives the biggest closed mouth smile ever, he knows he caught you.

Y/N: Ok, Jun. You know the guy. Happy now?

Jun: Yes and no, because now I am fucking curious.

Hana: Let’s continue the game, I wanna play too.

Y/N: Hana, do you like any guy from this room?

Hana: Fuck, am I allowed to say I like all of them?

Joshua: You say what you want, boo.

Hana: Awww Joshua called me boo. Now Josh, are you maybe looking for a girlfriend?

Everyone started laughing at how obviously flirty Hana was with Josh.

Wonu: What about the rest of us, Hana? You forgot us so fast?

Hana: Oh, sorry, Wonu. I can have more than one boyfriend. Nobody is left behind.

You get up on your feet and announce you feel sleepy and will head out to your room and you probably need to drag Hana with you, since she’s too drunk.

Also, you’re afraid of more of these questions that you don’t want to answer and also you don’t want to drink yourself under the table.

You said good night to the guys and headed to your room you shared with Hana. You decided you’re both to drunk to shower, so you changed into pj’s and got into bed. You’ll shower in the morning.

Next day you had breakfast in the room and then you were ready for work.

You needed to be at the stadium where they will perform for 2 days in a row. The set needed to be perfect. Meanwhile, the boys have the net 2 days packed with shootings and live shows and interviews.

2 shows down, 4 more to go in the US, then off to Brazil and Argentina. Days were passing really fast, since work meant around 10 hours a day. You got to spend time with the guys rarely, everyone was tired at the end of the day and wanted to just relax in bed and sleep.

You had a little break once in Europe. You arrived in Spain first and most of the members and staff decided to spend their one week break here. The weather was perfect and you had beach.

It was your first time in this country and you just wanted to see the architecture, the art, taste the food and visit some national parks and wildlife.

You were with Jun the night when you arrived in Barcelona and you were trying to decide your week plan, while taking a walk to the beach that was close to the hotel.

Jun: I think we should stick together. At least the two of us and probably Hana won’t want to leave you and go with someone else.

Y/N: True. But who else will join us?

Jun: I think Hao will chose to stay in the city and do nothing, he wants to chill. Jeonghan probably the same. Dk and Wonu I am sure they said they wanna visit the city and take photos. Mingyu might join them, don’t know. Woozi will probably stay inside most of the time, he’s really tired. Vernon for sure will come with us, he likes to learn new stuff. Are you brother and sister?

Y/N: We might be. Ok, so we are 4 so far.

Jun: I’ll ask the others tonight and will let the managers know how many we will be for the little excursion, because we will need a van or minibus. Take some clothes with you and stuff you need for a few days.

In the morning, you take your little suitcase and rush for the elevator. Hana is already in the minibus in front of the hotel. When you enter the bus, all the chairs are filled, except one in the back.

Hoshi: Here, I saved the seat for you!

He gets up to help you with your luggage and then you sit down. Today you’re going to a remote beach in a small village. You’ll visit wineries, olive trees and will rent a house on the beach and spend the next 2 days there.

You see Hoshi barely keeping his eyes open, he must be very tired.

Y/N: Here, use my pillow and you can lay down here, our seats are wide enough. I’ll put the pillow in my lap, ok?

Hoshi: Really? Would you do that for me?

Y/N: Of course, why wouldn’t I?

He just shrugs and puts his head on the pillow in your lap and tried to sleep. The drive will take around 2 hours.

He falls asleep quite fast. Meanwhile, you don’t know what to do with your hands. Should you put them over his shoulder? You look at his face and he looks so peaceful and so pretty and your right hand goes to move a strand of hair off his face. Then you keep it over his head, petting him gently.

Your left arm goes over his shoulder, kind of like keeping him safe. It feels nice, you admit to yourself. You see Jun turning his face over his shoulder to look at you and his eyes go big at the scene.

He looks at you for a few moments and then he nods with a serious look on his face. What does he mean with that? This guy is weird, I swear.

You had fallen asleep too, you can just sleep anywhere, anytime and in any position. When you wake up, your arm is wrapped around Hoshi’s torso, he’s laying on his back now. His both hands are holding onto your arm for dear life.

You decide to wake him up since you heard the other say you’re going to arrive in 10 minutes.

Y/N: Soonyoungie!

You whisper softly close to his face.

He whines a little, not wanting to wake up.

Y/N: Come on, Soony, it’s time to wake up. We are almost there.

He pouts, eyes still closed.

Hoshi: But it’s so nice here.

Y/N: Yeah, that’s why you need to wake up to admire the view.

Hoshi: Here. It’s nice here.

He says, as he pulls on your arm tighter around him.

Oh.

Is he saying it’s nice here with me? Like this?

Then he opens his eyes and looks at you, smiling so adorably. In seconds, he lifts himself from your lap, thanking for letting him sleep and taking care of him.

He really left you speechless, and this is not something that ever happened with him. You don’t know what to say, it’s like the cat got your tongue. You just stare at him.

Hoshi: What? Do I have sleep marks on my face?

Y/N: NO, it’s nothing.

You really needed to move your eyes away from that adorable face so you opted to look over the windows and admire the scenery outside.

You reached a small road between olive trees and you could see a white house at the end. You got off the car, took your suitcases and went inside.

Driver: This is a family house we rent to tourists. Has 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, pool in the backyard, garden, a big grill, everything you need. You reach the beach with 10 steps. The sunrise is really beautiful here. See you in 2 days!

It was easy to reach anywhere in the village, it was small and you would just walk for a few minutes.

Seungkwan: Let’s choose the rooms. We are 7, and we have 4 rooms. One person will sleep alone. Any takers?

Jun: Yes, please!

Seungkwan: I guess the girls will have one room and they can choose first. The boys will play rock paper scissors like usual. I’ll share a room with Vernoni

Joshua: And that leaves me and my bro Hosh. Nice!

You and Hana choose the pretties room that has a beach view. You go to inspect the property and you see they even have some gym equipment, a big ass tv in the living room, and outside they have a veggie garden.

You open the gate that takes you to the beach and start walking towards it. It’s been a while since you’ve had your feet in the sand.

You think it’s beautiful and you think Hao would have loved it here, for his meditation and tea ceremony.

You hear steps behind and Jun’s voice.

Jun: There you are. Wow, isn’t this place paradise? It’s just your style.

Y/N: You’re right, it’s how I would live forever. I feel so happy now that I could cry.

You sit there on the sand for a few minutes, listening to the waves and the birds.

Jun: He’s the best guy I know.

You look at him confused, trying to figure out who is he talking about. But then you know.

Y/N: Why are you telling me this?

Jun: You know why. You have doubts. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s something. But it’s better to let it be something than to regret it after it can’t be anything. You don’t need to push yourself to feel or to act on it. Just let it happen. If it will happen. But. He really is the best, in case you had doubts about that. He’s genuine, honest, kind and passionate. If something is to happen, know that he has a lot of love to give. Maybe too much, and it can overwhelm the wrong person. He's been trough some shit with his ex, since then he just shut himself just like you. But I see something there.

You look at Jun and he can see your eyes are glassy. He just leans over and hugs you.

Jun: It’s going to be ok, you’ll see.

Y/N: What if it’s not?

Jun: Then I’ll still be here for you to help you get up. That’s what we do, always try.

Y/N: I love you, you’re the best!

Jun: Love you too! Let’s go inside, they started cooking, I think it might even be ready by now.

Reaching the house, everyone is doing something to help with the cooking or setting up the table.

Y/N: Where is Vernon?

Joshua: He might be sleeping.

Seungkwan: Yeah, he went upstairs to the bedroom.

Y/N: What are you guys making?

Johua: We are making some kimchi fried rice and we also have some pork belly.

Y/N: Ok, I’ll make some salad.

You go into the garden to pick up some veggies for your salad. On your way there you bump into Hoshi and he stops and looks at you suspiciously.

Hoshi: Have you been crying?

Y/N: Why?

Hoshi: Your eyes are red and glassy. Are you ok?

Y/N: I’m fine, just had a chat with Jun at the beach.

Hoshi: Did he say something to upset you?

Y/N: Nooo. Do you know Jun? ha!

He comes closer and hugs you. He hugs you so tight that it feels like you’ll stick like that forever. It’s like he knew what you needed. A hug.

And you wrap your arms around him and hug him back. You stay there for a minute, until you realise where you are and what you’re doing and you pull away.

Hoshi: Where were you going?

Y/N: To pick up veggies from the garden.

Hoshi: Ok, I am in charge of the grill. You’ll be ok, yeah?

You nod and you walk towards the garden with your heart beating 1000 miles/hour.

[floralcrematorium]

fuck it, band AU time

with my mounting zine deadlines and drawings i owe friends for their b-days, idk if i'll ever get to draw the accompanying material i wanted to, so it is time to yap everyone's ear off. apologies if this is a mess! it's been a hot minute since i've properly spewed my nonsense out loud

i think i wanna talk abt Nat first... I love using Natalya in narrative works -- she's so so interesting to me and the character i've fleshed out the most

in Band AU, Natalya is a solo pop musician whose earlier music takes heavy inspiration from ethereal wave and dark cabaret. artists who frequent the playlist i've made for her are birdeatsbaby, revue noir, and then a bit of the dresden dolls and mirabilis. here's a hyperlink to her WIP playlist!

as for subject matter, her music probably deals a lot with existentialism and self identity

at the start of her career, Nat is very experimental in her sound, presentation, and image. i like to think she sees her music videos and stage performances as a version of semi-abstract performance art. she's very into symbolism

the pop part of her sound comes a bit later, after she starts dating Alfred Jones, the front man of Multifacet, an alternative(?) rock band (gonna be real, i have NOT nailed down what their sound is yet). her relationship with Alfred is mutually unhealthy - they are somewhat codependent and both feel a need to perform due to media pressure. he's using her for her preexisting fame, she uses him to feel the lonely void she feels

Nat cracks under the pressure. She was a very popular artist before dating Alfred, but she had control. When they start dating, her own achievements begin to be overshadowed. Her career becomes inescapably intertwined with Alfred's. She hits an absolute breaking point

as of right now, the sound of nat's music when she's with alfred is a bit like rina sawayama's. i find her voice gorgeous and i like the sound of urgency in the songs I have added to Nat's playlist -- it's a stark difference from her earlier slower music. I think Frankenstein embodies Nat at this point in her career the best

i know billie eilish is WAY too mainstream for Nat's taste, but I can't help but think of The Diner from billie's latest album for the AmeBel breakup...

also I much prefer platonic AmeBel - I think when in a romantic relationship, these two enable the worse parts of one another. however as just friends, they work quite well! anyway the best way I can sum up how I see AmeBel is:

someone else: what do you even see in him? Nat: he makes me laugh. he's stupid. i like that in a man.

I think the constant theme for Nat is a constant searching for a sense of identity because she continually destroys the identity she's built. I think Nat is a little insecure and to truly flourish, she needs to find some confidence. she also needs a good support system, which comes in the form of Tereza (miss Czechia), but I'll talk about them at a different time (wink wink, nudge nudge)

If I have to give you examples of Nat's different "Eras":

Debut: The Silent, The Tragic Tantrum She's having fun. Nat's a bit cryptic, she's eclectic, and enjoys putting on a show on stage. Start of the AU: Girl Anachronism, The Dresden Dolls I associate Girl Anachronism a lot with Nat in general, band AU aside Dating Alfred: Frankenstein, Rina Sawayama The lyrics of this one really hit for Nat. "All I want is to feel beautiful inside and out/You're the one who can save me from myself." This is when AmeBela are mutually codependent Breakup: Nothing Lasts, Glycerine I don't have anything to add other than this is an old personal favorite of mine. That's it. Breakup, but with plot relevance: The Diner, Billie Eilish I really want to use the lines "I'll go back to the diner/I'll write another letter/I hope you'll read it this time/You better" Nat and Al are having a very public breakup, that's all I have to say Healing: Seventeen, birdeatsbaby Nat's like. 27 at the start of this AU, but I think the themes are still relevant. I also LOVE the dramatic and grandiose intro to the song -- I feel like it's a return to form for her... Healing Nat Part Two: I Always Hang Myself With The Same Rope, birdeatsbaby

Nat will get a happy ending. I do need to figure out in more detail in what ways she damages Alfred, but I think with the general theme of the whole AU being a cautionary tale about fame and the effects it has on an individual, I've focused more on the "good ending" route with Nat's story. She has a moment of self realization and puts in the time to work on herself.

[onetoomanyfandomfixations]

OM Demons & Their Broadway Duets

A.k.a the duet you two perform together that’s just a lil bit too on the nose

LUCIFER

You cannot tell me that he’s Not the same person as Hades

Mans has shit to do!!

But that doesn’t stop him from wanting you one bit

He knows he can seduce you, and that’s exactly what he will do

Also has that Stunningly deep voice thats just perfect for this roll

Enjoys making you squirm on stage with his words and voice

Probably circles around you whilst singing

10/10 very hot

Will def invite you to see him after the performance for some quality time

MAMMON

The exact kind of greedy, insecure loving he needs

He wants to sing more because “The Great Mammon deserves the spotlight”

So he sings Elphaba

Tbh, finds it really therapeutic to express his feelings for you so wholly

LOVES that its so intimate; he gets to hold you, with an undeniable excuse!

Gets so flustered during rehearsals

Only makes him love you more

Listens to it often, cause it makes him happy to think of you

He will deny this

LEVIATHAN

He would have died if it was a romance duet, c’mon guys

He was struggling getting on stage as is

So getting to pretend to play video games, right next to you in stage while talking about how he hates everyone else?

Perfect

Has the audio clip of you saying “is it really true, i’m your favourite person”

Listens to it daily

Actually has an Amazing voice, holy shit

It’s Your song and no one else can sing it with you

Probs get the matching pac-man tattoo from the original musical

SATAN

As said before, a hopeless romantic to the core

Thinks this entire musical is god tier

The only one to know and love the entire musical connected to your performance

You see it together “as research” before doing the scene together

Perfect on stage, as expected

Probs cups your face for a Significant portion of the song

Loves being to protector, instead of the persecutor; like he is so often made out to be

Will sing it to you quietly as you slow-dance in his room in the early hours of the morning

Wants it to be the first dance at your inevitable wedding

ASMODEUS

Guess who’s back on their asmo-is-baby bullshit

Mans relates to Audrey So Hard

So its only right he plays her part

You are his Seymor

He tries not to think about it, or else he’ll cry

Thinks its a really beautiful song

Don’t tell him the ending of Little Shop of Horrors, he’ll be devastated

ADORES being on stage, makes every minute of it

Kisses you as soon as the songs over, so deeply and passionately

The audience goes wild

Both of you are grinning wildly

BEELZELBUB

He’s more than happy to sing a song about loving you in front of as many people as you want

Honestly just happy to be spending time with you

Sings Zoe, because he just wants to reassure you that he loves you

Like Lucifer, has a beautifully deep voice

Constantly checking you’re not as insecure as Evan

Makes sure you know he loves you, even if you aren’t insecure in the slightest

A custom bed needs to be built for the two of you to sit on for the scene bc he’s so Large

Puts his heart into the line “I don’t want you to fix what I’d rather forget”, because he needs you to know that you aren’t a replacement for Lilith

He loves you, as you.

BELPHAGOR

Idk what bullying you had to do to get this but go you ig???

Hates JD with a passion

He reminds him too much of how he was during his time in the attic

But it’s almost like a redemption for him; he can do it again but this time he chooses you

He chooses you instead of the anger, the hurt

Voice is probs really raspy because he’s always sleeping

Didn’t do rehearsals, just wung it on opening night

Enforced naptime afterwards

DIAVOLO

Listen, this is Very Directed

He chose this song for a reason; he needs his people to know that loving you is not a political choice

He just loves you

Relates more to Alyssa, but sings Emma for impact

Probs doesn’t have time to be doing something like this??

Barbatos is On Him for the overdue paperwork

But this is Fun

And it’s with You

He loves preforming

Probs has a good vibrato too

Post show fancy dinner date 💕💕

BARBATOS

l i s t e n

Mans is perfect for Warner

Is more than happy to let you have the spotlight

Loves being able to say he loves you so plainly

Sometimes the song makes him think about the realities where you stayed in the human realm

It makes him grateful that you chose the Devildom

That you chose him

But he tries not to linger, because you both have a song to do

Master of honey tea before going on stage

Warm them vocal chords UP

Always praises you on how wonderful you were the second that mics are off

[seokminded]

Svt members x staff reader (she is dating joshua) who has been working with them since debut . The readersn reaction to svt finally winning a daesung eyiwhsjehsjs my brain has been braining

Anon, this is so cute! Seriously though the idea is top-notch. TYSM! I present to you:

DAESANG

Pairing: Joshua ✗ staff!r.

Genre: emotional fluff

Warnings: forehead kiss, est. relationship between r. and Joshua, mini-smau included, not proofread, might start the waterworks.

I wanted to make this kinda realistic so you're all in the dressing rooms when you get the news. Anon if u like this, lemme know cause that'll make me happy.

"Y/n what is it? Are you alright?"

You clasped your hand around your ajar mouth as you felt tears prickle your eyes. Looking up you find Joshua's features twist in anxiety.

Your sudden sharp gasp had alerted the team who were all seated in cushioned chairs with professional make-up and hair artists behind them. You had 2 more hours to go before the your team was to perform their recent hit on the Daesang-worthy stage, when you received a text from a close acquaintance who also happened to be the co-host for the evening's event.

"Y/n! Talk to me! What happened?"

Joshua shook you out of your trance and looking at him made the tears roll down your flushed cheeks.

"D-daesang! You guys are finally getting a daesang!"

You choked out and smiled while looking at the other members who mirrored the shock registered on your face a minute ago. Your words had everyone in the room staring at you, praying that you weren't joking.

"Y/n, are you serious? G-guys did you hear that?"

His voice soft and barely above a whisper. Before you could answer him, Seungcheol's voice boomed from behind your boyfriend.

"Who's finally getting a daesang? I need to hear that again Y/n, a lil' louder."

"Leader-nim YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING A DAESANG! SEVENTEEN IS FINALLY GETTING A DAESANG!"

You yelled out enough for the entire dressing room to hear before cheers and claps bombarded your ears. Before you knew it, everyone was up and out of their seats and all the members were rushing toward each other. Before you lost Joshua in the crowd you grabbed the velvet cuff of his jacket and pulled him close. Closing any distance left between you two, you threw your hands around him.

"Shua I'm so proud of you! I know how long you've waited for this!"

With a sweet smile playing on his lips and moisture in his eyes he placed the lightest kiss on the top of your head and replied.

"Hearing this news from you makes this even better."

Pulling away, you smiled and nudged him to go join the other members.

A much-anticipated win like this, had your mind reeling. You recollected the past and your debut days with the team. You thought about the day you gifted Seungcheol a smartphone, when you helped the boys choose a stage name, scheduled their first ever MBC stage, finalized their first MAMA stage outfits, and your first date with Joshua. Some of the most memorable 'firsts'.

You'd seen this team grow from co-trainees to co-workers to family. Through the highs and lows, you'd been by their side and this was a high you didn't wanna come down from.

"Y/n-ah, you're not pranking us right? Cause I'll cry if this isn't real."

"You're already crying though Seokmin. And no, I would never joke about something like this."

Wiping away the tears clinging to his lashes he flashed you a smile.

"Then why're you just standing there? No group hug?"

You heard Jeonghan ask you with a cocked eyebrow as he poked his head out of another members' arms who was giving him a hug.

That was it for you. You couldn't hold back your emotions anymore. Warm tears cascaded down your face as you found your place next to Joshua who wrapped his arm around your waist and used the other to wipe the wetness off of your face.

"Everybody fall in!"

Seungcheol gestured to all the other staff present in the room.

"I really don't know what to say right now so-"

Clearing his throat, loud and clear the walls resonated,

"Say the name!"

This really was the loudest reply you'd heard in all these years. Exuberant and merry.

"SEVENTEEN!"

"We are!"

"SEVENTEEN!"

"Who always wins?"

"SEVENTEEN!"

The room erupted with joyous applause as everyone repeated after him. You looked up at Joshua and whispered.

"Till the last 'say the name'?"

With a glint in his dark eyes, he whispered back.

"Till my last breath. You and me."

Wipe your tears.

WOHOO my first emotional piece.

Ask more stuff here!

[moon-alight]

Hi, can you write a smut fic for svt's joshua with afab reader? Him being hard in the dressing room so after the rest of the members leave, he calls reader to come and he just fucks her before he has to go on stage 💖

Yay! Another Seventeen request! I hope you like it!

MINORS KEEP OUT!!

Needing you - Seventeen Joshua

Synopsis: Joshua calls you over right before his concert begins to let go of some energy beforehand.

Warnings: smut, needy Joshua x afab reader, quickie, creampie, soft aftercare, dirty talk,

Word Count: 1028

Masterlist

(Honestly, I'd give up my asexuality for this man)

Joshua is in his dressing room, sitting in a chair while getting his hair done by the stylist. He is simply scrolling on tiktok while only half-listening to the story Mingyu is telling him.

A video appears of you, a tiktok you had made on your account where you did a simple clothing transition. Innocent to many but not to Joshua. His eyes focused on you as he watches the video again and again.

He has completely blocked out all noise except the music coming from his phone. His mind wandering to whatever you are wearing under that sundress in the transition.

He hates himself for going there, he is supposed to go on stage in 15 minutes yet he can't help but think about you and your amazing body. He sighs, the words of his stylist snapping him back to reality.

"You're done, Joshua. Go rest a little before you have to go on stage." Rest. Yeah, sure. He smiles sweetly at her and stands up, walking out and leaning his back against the wall. 15 minutes...

He clicks on your name in his contacts and immediately calls you. Not even two rings later and you have officially picked up.

"Shua? I was about to turn my phone off for the concert, what's wrong?" He smiles, you are right in the audience, always coming when you could just to support him. Sweet.

"Come to the backstage right now."

"But--"

"Just come." And he hangs up. You're stunned, not sure if you were even allowed in there but you decided to go anyways. Maybe he really needed your support or maybe he wanted a good-luck kiss...

You make your way to the bodyguards and shift from one feet to the other. How were you going to explain this without sounding like an obsessed fangirl?

"Who are you?" One of them asks, his tone is enough to make you back off. Suddenly Joshua appears and reaches his hand out for you to take.

"My girlfriend." He replies to the bodyguard and winks at you. You take his hand and follow him inside.

"What exactly did you need me for?" He pushes you inside an empty dressing room and he follows, locking the door behind him. It's when you see his gaze that you realize what his intention is. "Really, you're supposed to be on that stage in 10 minutes."

"Which means I have eight to completely ruin you." His tone is dangerously low. You would be lying if you said it didn't turn you on. He steps closer to you, backing you up until your thighs touch the make-up table in front of the mirror. "I saw your recent tiktok, beautiful transition, baby." Joshua wraps his arms around you and lifts you to sit on the make-up table. "You're gonna fix the problem you caused."

"Not my fault you have perverted thoughts, Shua." You reply, smirking.

"It will be your problem." Joshua whispers before pulling down both your pants and panties in one go. He lets them fall to the ground and spread your legs so he can get between them. His lips hungrily kiss yours, one hand lowering itself between your bodies to test the waters. He smirks when he feels your arousal almost dripping down your thighs. "And now, it's officially your problem too, don't you want to get rid of that ache so you can enjoy the concert?" He asks, your hands fiddle with the belt of his pants.

"It'll come back when I see you perform anyways." You reply, boosting Joshua's ego. He helps you with his pants, quickly taking out and pumping his hard cock in his hand before lining up with your entrance.

"Good to know how much I affect you." He whispers while pushing in, you moan at the feeling of him stretching you out. Your legs wrap around his waist when he has completely bottomed out. He doesn't waste anytime and starts slamming his hips into yours. You hold onto his broad shoulders, moaning silently, trying not to alert the entire staff. "Stay quiet." Joshua breathes out. "Wouldn't want everyone to know what a big slut you are, would we?"

"Fuck, Josh... please." A voice on the other side of the door makes your heart race even harder in your chest.

"5 minutes before you are all on!" A woman screams. Your gaze locks with Joshua's. A grin spreads on his lips before he's onto you again. Lips kissing you passionately, hands roaming your body and his cock stretching you out deliciously again and again hitting your G-spot. One of his hands start rubbing your clit roughly. You bite your lip to stay quiet, your legs shake around him and you know you're close.

"That's it, baby, keep clenching around me. I know you're close." You whimper next to his ear, almost sending him spiralling. He pinches your clit, the coil in your stomach breaks and sending a strong orgasm through your body, your toes curl at the feeling, your teeth draw blood from your lip and your thighs continuously shake.

"My God." Your walls pulsate around Joshua, with one more trust he lets go, burying himself deep inside of you and hiding his face in the crook of your neck. The only sounds in the room are your heavy breaths.

"2 Minutes!" The same woman from before yells. Joshua chuckles, pulling out carefully to not overstimulate you. He rests his sweaty forehead against yours while looking down and watching both of your cum drip out of your body.

Joshua quickly recollects himself, pulling his pants up and walking over to grab some tissues before returning to you. He hands you a water bottle before cleaning you up gently.

"Are you sure you can still perform?" You know he has the stamina to go on for days but performing is also a very tiring task. Joshua smiles at you.

"Of course, especially knowing I can do this all over again afterwards since you love seeing me up there." He replies, helping you in your own pants and kissing your lips softly. "Now return to the audience and enjoy the show, sweetheart."

[absolutebl]

Kpop end of 2022 shows

In which I mostly slam 4th gen boy groups, so if you’re a stan skip this post or go in prepared to be offended. I am aware that this is off brand for this blog. But I’m also aware that I have a number of followers who are as deeply into Kpop as me, and...

who probably will unfollow me after reading this. Oh well, I’m gonna do it anyway. This is my tiny corner of the internet. MINE I tell you!  

Look, there was no Between Us airing today, and so nothing for me to get my watch-along snark out on except for the 2 Kpop shows that Viki popped into my feed. So skip this post if that’s not your thing. 

2022 Gayo Daejeon (stadium event) 

OMG! Either mic them properly or don’t mic them at all! This is a music concert, right? Why can’t Korea ever fucking get the sound right in these goddamn bonanza shows? I had this problem with Kingdom (arguably more of an issue since that was supposedly made for TV) but it’s 100 times worse with this show. It’s so frustrating. 

For example, with NCT, why is Johnny’s the only hot mic in the group? Sound tech on stuff out of Korea is mind numbingly confusing and ear wrenchingly annoying. I am reminded why I never watch the live shows and never go to Kpop concerts.

And now, here’s some offensive thoughts and unpopular opinions:

Yeonjun of TXT is one of the best 4th gen dancers ever fielded, and one of the better all rounders. But Kpop stylists gotta learn how to dress a dancer so that they can be properly watched, ya know, WHEN THEY ARE DANCING. No puffer vests, you brainless fashionista numb-nuts. Poor thing kept having to do wardrobe adjustments. Honestly, this plus their red carpet looks this year? 

TXT desperately needs a new stylist.

Stray Kids

As a group? They really can’t sing very well or consistently, their strength is in their performance and rapping. And their rappers MUST to be micced hot for live - just KILL 3racha's backup recording, okay? They can handle it. Otherwise please just let them all lip-synch so we can watch them perform. It’s a much better experience.

NCT

Yuta has more charisma in his little finger than Taeyong has in his whole entire body. Doyoung is an incredibly underrated vocalist. Their’s was some of the worst miccing and sound of the night (which is saying a lot considering how terrible it was the whole time). Fantastic use of the stage tho. One the best stadium performance I’ve seen since GOT7. Also, 2 Baddies is an objectively terrible song - which is probably why it’s so popular.

The Boyz

Definitely the prettiest, how are they consistently so glorious on their visuals? Sunwoo keeps getting hotter, it’s patently unfair. But, oh my god, if you are going to have a group sing ballads, then bring 2nd (Highlight) or 3rd (BTOB) gens up there don’t use The Boyz (or SK for that matter). No one wants to hear unstable vocals, even if it’s a CNBLUE cover. Is it weird that The Boyz make me miss Seventeen? Same vibe... better syncopation. 17 is not as pretty tho.

Who is? 

Well, UNIQ of course. But I don’t wanna talk about that. 

Ateez

Jongho is the only 4th gen idol in existence who doesn’t need a mic even in a goddamn stadium. He is insane. But there is a reason the boy likes a handheld mic, because he takes his vocals seriously. And still the sound tech didn’t trust him enough to leave that mic hot? Frankly, it’s a crime that Jongho’s voice is wasted on a performance group. (Yes, I said it.) But Ateez did give the best stage of the night. They really are one of the industry’s hardest working groups at the moment. I’m a little worried they’re being pushed too much.

Enhyphen

Actually singing for a change *gasp* what will they do without auto tune? Ooof, I’m hella mean tonight. And... they seem to have been practicing their vocals since last time. Honestly? They lack the stage presence of some of the more experienced 4th gens. NCT fucking EATS up a stadium. Enhyphen looked a little sad up there by comparison.

MBC 2022 (New Year's showcase) 

Much better sound (mostly lip-synching) and most groups handle a showcase stage better than a stadium. 

The MC team was better on this one. 

Any time the Boyz and Ateez would like to dance together, I will be happy to watch it happen.

I’m not particularly interested in either of them, but Tempest and Kepler covering Pretty U was pretty damn cute. But younger boy groups + younger girl groups intermixing on stage always comes off as awkward. Dancers should be dancing together when they share a stage together. It’s weird when they are clearly afraid to touch each other. 

Hanbin is such sunshine, so pleased to see a Vietnamese idol at last.

As expected the bands doing live Krock had the best music performances. Well and the opera singers, of course. 

NCT’s Jungwoo is Taemin’s little brother, they look too much alike, you cannot persuade me otherwise. 

It’s a sin that Jeahyun hasn’t has a break away acting role yet. No babies, he really isn’t going to do us a BL. 

It’s always great when the surfeit of music shows at the end of the year forces a group like NCT to divide and conquer, because we get to see some of the lesser publicized members do some killer performing. 

NCT’s choreographer is phenomenal. Best in the biz? 

A sexy cover of Love Killa is fine but if you can’t go hard on Monsta X’s raps then why bother? This only made me want to go watch the original. Which I did. 

I’d like to see SK cover Monsta X but that’s about it. Maybe P1H.

Speaking of MX. Why did they cover a song where Kihyun (one of the most consistent voices in Kpop) mostly has to sing falsetto? What a damn waste. 

Fun to see IM getting more confident in his vocals but I’d still rather see the MX maknae line rap. 

And… thank you for doing an end of year stage Monsta X! Holding onto my beloved 3rd gens by the skin of my teeth here. Look I just love them, okay? Even down 2 members Monsta X goes harder than other groups, but effortlessly. They gave the best performance of my whole night, both shows, 6 hours of content and I’m just left wanting to watch MX comeback stages.  

Am I 3rd gen biased? 

Probably. 

Bite me. But only if you can do it as hard as Monsta X would. 

[scouped]

DID SOMEONE SAY FAV SVT PERFORMANCES!!!!!! omg hii ok time to buckle in. i have a yt playlist full of my fav performances - svt moments of all time -but unfortunately half the videos have been taken down bc copyright 😭💔 fml truly..

- my life was probably changed forever by their 2021 AAA performance like hello!!! rock ver of rwy!!!!! the anyone outfits!!! THE DANCE BREAK!!!

- 2018 japan arena tour - habit and when i grow up perhaps the best singing ive ever heard…

- im also so fond of hit song - shining diamonds concert the seungkwan vocals oh my goddd hes just a baby And yet the most beautiful heartwrenching noises are escaping him.

- i also do really love highlight from 2019 kcon la performance unit PERFORMED!

- speaking of perf u their diamond edge concert !the theatrics are INSANE, the use of guitar solo instrumentals is gratuitous, and im SO here for it lmao

- this is getting really perf u heavy but bets moonwalker+wave is TOOO good (this specific video’s crowd is so funny 😭😭😭)

- okay okay last ones we of course cannot leave out jbtc fearless+left&right 2021 despite it being an empty crowd their energy was IMMACULATE plus hoshi minghao and dino/vernon dance break What more could u need seriously.

- kbs 2017 festival JUN PIANO! no more needed

stopping myself here before this really becomes a daunting wall of text 😭 a lot of these r classics/well known but u know u can never go wrong with those!!

if u got this far im soo sorry turns out this is a huge can of worms for me (nervous laughter) ! there are honestly hundreds of svt performances icould talk about for dayyyyyys i love love love their performances they are so SO unmatched in that area and even through a screen they are so captivating <3 what i would give to one day attend a svt concert……… alright thanks for letting me ramble maxogie 😭❣️hoping all those links work

OH MY GOD LEO i love this so so much pls know i appreciate u sending all this 😭 its like u read my mind!!!!!!

the 2021 aaa performance is sooo good. i also always watch the behind the scenes of that (that one's in my comfort playlist lolll)

that japan arena tour... im so mad i still havent found a full copy of it i wanna watch it so bad 😭 they all sound immaculate as always but WOW JEONGHAN SOUNDS FUCKING AMAZING

cried a little at the hit song mention. u think they still know this song?

I LOVE A PFU STAGE AHHHH !!!!!! this particular highlight stage was so good to watch bc theyre at the center of the stadium and you can hear the crowd singing>!?!??!?! and im a sucker for a dance break. instant addition to my live perf playlist

be the sun pfu stage is the bane of my existence. thats probably my most watched stage of all time. theres this stage mix of junhui during wave that is top 1 in my live perf playlist and i recommend u watch it

OH MANNN how could i have forgotten jbtc 2021 !!! we need to bring theaterteen back let them be dramatic again PLEASE

kbs 2017 is also woozi drums!!!! i wish there were subs of that video :( i wanna know what theyre yapping about

thank u again for doing this i love talking about seventeen's music so much 😭 i saved that playlist if you dont mind <3

tell me your favorite seventeen live performance

[wonubb]

You as SVT’s translator - Scoups FF

The post-concert depression is urging me to write more. This is for Cheol who literally bias wrecked everyone after seeing him in person. 

Credits to the owner of this GIF.

‘Guys we’ll be live in 15. Get ready.’ The director announced and the make up artists touched up the make up of Seventeen members quickly. You on the other hand sat at the back of the main camera, ready to translate non-Korean questions to the boys. You know several languages apart from English, Korean and Japanese which made you the group’s official translator. 

The show started in a few minutes and they introduced themselves, talked about the latest album then here comes the Q&A portion. They got the usual questions, nothing out of the ordinary and you continued translating for them. 

‘Awesome! Okay this next question is for our leader Scoups. You look so sexy on stage. Are you aware that you make a lot of fans change their bias after seeing you live? What do you feel when fans openly tell you that you are so attractive?’ The host asked and almost all members understood the question with all the familiar words. Joshua and Vernon gave their leader a big smile then gave you a side glance.

You can’t help but feel flushed with the question. Of course you are aware that Cheol is attractive. You are not only the official translator, you are also the leader’s girlfriend. You haven’t made the announcement yet but you have been together for almost a year.

Cheol looked at you with an amused expression. Especially when he saw you blushing. He can’t stop smiling and the host took it as if he’s loving the question. Little did he know that deep inside, Cheol is wondering if you will rephrase the question or change the context a little bit. Which you didn’t. You understood perfectly that fans are curious if SVT knows that some fans are not soft-stans. So you translated it properly and waited for Cheol to respond so you can say his answer.

‘I am thankful for anyone who becomes a fan, even if you just listen and watch our performance. Having some say though that I am their bias is of course flattering. It’s not the first time however that someone said I am attractive. I have someone in my life who says it every now and then,’ he smiled lovingly to you and your face turned redder than it was earlier. Even the members all looked to you with adoring eyes. They all love you because you love Cheol. And what you have is something that they all treasure. They treat you as one of them. 

You composed yourself before translating his answer which expectedly brought a follow up question. ‘Oh, are we revealing someone special?’ The host asked and it didn’t become unnoticed the way all members are looking at you. Luckily, you are behind the camera. You translated the question while low key glaring at him. 

‘Oh, not yet, not right now at least. I’d have to get permission first but yeah, someone says I am sexy and attractive and how I am the best in the world.’ He proudly answered in Korean and you sighed before telling the host what he said. 

‘Well, okay I think the fans can wait until you get the go signal yeah? I guess we all should wait perhaps on your next visit you will be ready to reveal her name, or her face.’ The host side-glanced at you and you gave her a thankful smile. 

The show ended after a few minutes and you are now in the car going back to your hotel. Cheol held your hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Jeonghan noticed that you are still nervously breathing so he cracked a joke. ‘Cheol do you want to crash in our room tonight? Seems like you will be thrown out of your hotel room,’ he laughed at his friend while you raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Ehhhh, Y/N you know I was just joking. He wouldn’t do something you haven’t decided together and you know that. But you should also remember that we got your back, okay? No one’s gonna hurt you.’ ‘Thanks, Han, I needed to hear that.’ You softly looked at your boyfriend who has been waiting for you to say something to him. ‘Sorry, love. I promise we will make it public once you are ready. I won’t do that again but come to think of it, there might be more questions about you in the future.’ He’s not wrong. You know people will get more curious now.

‘Well the company is good with us right and they’re just waiting for us to be ready?’ You asked and earned a nod from your boyfriend. ‘I think we can post a picture maybe, or what do you think is the best way to do this?’ ‘Oh my God, do you mean that? You know I wanted to introduce you to everyone, love. I will be proud to say that you, the language genius is my girlfriend. Others won’t be able to relate.’ This earned a smack from Jeonghan. ‘Yah! You know if she’s not your girlfriend then someone from the group could have approached her had you not warned us on her first day at work that she’s off limits.’ You smiled when you remembered your first day at work. He announced to the group that you are there for work only and no monkey business, the next days though you were surprised with flowers and sweet notes. Yup, Choi Seungcheol is a simp. And you love him, so much. 

‘I guess we can do this, you got me, right?’ You leaned on Cheol’s shoulders and he kissed your temple. ‘Always baby, always.’ You both chose to ignore Jeonghan who also leaned by the window and whispered ‘simps, you both are simps.’ 

[imaginarykpop]

Idol Life | Iseol

Just a day in the idol life of Iseol and having a little accident at Weekly Idol

AN: I may change a few things later, I don’t like it that much.

Words count: 2456

Warning: None??

Iseol’s materlist

2016

 Mari had to shoot for another Music bank, something she didn’t hate to do. In fact, out of all the shows she’s been on the last year hosting Music bank the last five months is something she looked forwards to. It led her to meet so many idols and interact with them and let them get to know her. Balancing work as an MC and Seventeen came easy, the boys were all understanding, and she wasn’t the only one Seungkwan also had his fair share of appearances.

They always made sure she had food ready to eat when she came home, and that she wasn’t overworking herself. Honestly despite her family’s reservations about Mari debuting with the boys, they’ve come to see how much they care for their daughter. So, mama Chaeyong made sure they all got vitamins and had all the food they needed. Her way of repaying them for taking care of Mari.

Mari was a co-host with quite a few people, it started with Highlight’s Son Dong Woon who had previously hosted with Laboum’s Solbin. The man was a great help to Mari, he’d taken her under his wing before he left and then the last two months were with different people, first it was Park Bogum, and currently BTS’s V.

Seventeen and Bangtan got on well with each other, so it was a relief for Mari, not that her previous co-hosts weren’t pleasant, but the first time she talked to them was because of MB.

And the public opinion is starting to sway, they’re liking her dynamic with the hosts and the artists alike, Mari is very kind and encouraging to all idols and they all had nice things to say about her and her work ethic.

Seventeen were performing today, their latest comeback Very Nice a repackage album, and thus she got up early that day, went through the motions of getting dressed, along with the boys, her makeup was done on site, she got dressed in her performance outfit for the rehearsals of the actual song.

“Okay, good work everyone.” Hoshi called out to his members, Mari bowed to the staff not caring what else was going to be said as she had to rush to start rehearsing with V and the rest of the artists before they had to go live.

“Mari!” Cheol called for the rushing girl, stopping her in her tracks. “Take this.”

He took something from one of their staff, Mari looked at the bag and found two triangle kimbaps with tuna inside and a bottled water. “Thank you oppa.”

The girl didn’t have time to do anything before she quickly hugged him and rushed off stage. “Ish, working too hard that one.” Jihoon said watching as Mari disappeared.

“It’s paying off at least.” Mingyu said, having been one of those who monitored her name online and seeing the steady increase of the positive feedback she’s getting.

“At what coast though.” Jeonghan mumbled to himself and shook his head but said nothing. Mari had taken to styling his hair and playing with it, teaching him all sort of braids, when he told her he didn’t want to braid his hair, she’d just shrug and tell him it was for when she grew her hair out and he rolled with it never saying no to her playing with his hair. Her own had grown, but with each comeback she cut it, so if you look at her pictures through from their debuted to their current comeback it’ll be like a transition from the boy cut she had when they debuted to now the slightly layered bob she had going on.

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

Greeting the staff and apologizing for being late, even though she wasn’t, is such a Mari thing. V was there as well, they stood of to the side reading their cards for the day. “Here you go Oppa.”

Mari handed him one of the kimbaps, once they were told that the first group will come in in ten minutes. “Thank you, did you eat?”

“Yeah, don’t worry.” Mari lied through her teeth, if Taehyung found out she didn’t eat her breakfast he would have refused the food. She doesn’t like eating alone anyways, so it was more for her than him, she kept telling herself. Eating the two chatted about their week, Taehyung telling Mari how excited he is to see them perform live, Mari excitedly telling him about the song and choreo.

Once the camera was on, they became their professional selves and gone through the rehearsal with group after group before loud chatter caught their attention. “That’ll be my boys.” Mari said with a grin, she laughed after hearing Seungkwan’s loud voice shouting.

“You can never loose them in a crowd.” Taehyung commented before they came into view. Jun rushing in and wrapping his arms around Mari before he pulled her off her feet, placing her hand on hi shoulder while she laughed.

“Put me down! I’m working.” She shouted to the amusement of everyone present.

 “Put her down.” Wonwoo said as he walked past them and took his place for the rehearsal, once on her feet Mari made sure she still looked presentable, and glared at innocent looking Jun.

Taehyung makes a comment about what group is next, Mari acts as if she doesn’t know before Taehyung introduces them, Mari joins her group for their greeting before switching back to her MC role. The interview was chaotic, the boys not taking anything seriously, and teasing Mari every chance they got. They finally got through the rehearsal.

“I’m taking the day off next time you lot are coming.” Mari stated exasperated.

“You act like you wouldn’t be coming with us.” Seungkwan replied making her roll her eyes.

“Not the point.” She teased, even if they made it harder for her, they still had fun and got through the interview. It’s something they’ll remember in a few years. Mari liked to think that every chaotic moment is a memory in the making.

“I wasn’t annoying, was I?” Seungkwan asked lowering his voice, Mari shook her head, her other members were all slowly leaving, some having a few words with V since the oldest three and him were ‘95 liners.

“Not in the least, I was only joking, I’d have you guys with me on every show if I could.” Mari told him and gave the younger boy a hug, not ten seconds in their hug and another pair of arms wrapped around her, knowing it’s Chan. He 17-year-old had gotten in the habit of hugging Mari every chance he got. “Okay, you have to go, I’ll see you when we go live.”

“Good luck, Noona.” Chan shouted as they left.

“Is it always this chaotic?” A staff member asked, lighthearted, she didn’t mean anything by it.

“More or less, but it’s just because this is the first time any of us hosted a show and the rest came on it.” Mari said with a small smile. “They’re excited.”

“My group would’ve teased me to death.” Taehyung commented and Mari could see it.

“It’s good they get all the teasing before the live podcasting.” Mari added, and the two talked about their groups who they think would tease the most.

As expected, when it was turn for Seventeen’s interview, they were all professional, many carats caught them giving Mari their full attention when she talked, looking like proud brothers. Cheering her the loudest than anyone on the show. After the interview, Mari rushed with the boys on stage.

The stage where she felt most comfortable and confidant. The girl loved performing more than anything, she thinks that she shines the most on-stage dancing and singing, her stage presence is strong, and it isn’t because she’s the only girl.

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

Another day another show, this time the group were in a taping for Weekly Idol. They were all excited, standing off the white set they waited until they were called. Defcon and Don weren’t the best hosts in Mari’s opinion, but who is she to judge. They had years of experience on her.

The PDs had them fill a profile to quickly go through before they’ll have to split into three teams. Mari of course was with the performance team

“Iseol-ssi, I have a question.” Doni said looking at the female standing between Minghao and Chan, she looked over confused.

“What is it?” She asked the older man, curious.

“It says on your profile that you’re strong.” Mari nods to his words, Chan had written it, but she left it there.

“I wouldn’t say I’m very strong, but I love playing arm wrestling with the guys.” Mari explained, she knows that they let her win a lot of the time, but she doesn’t mind, in fact she likes it.

“Do they let you win?” Defcon asked intrigued by the idea of this tiny girl winning over the guys, they’re all taller than her, it’s amusing. Mari looks at her members and hums, they all try to look innocent making the female laugh.

“Sometimes yes.” Mari confirms.

“Don’t get fooled though, she’s very strong.” Chan said holding her bicep which didn’t look that strong.

“We’ll put this to the test.” Doni said and a tall table/stand was brought out, it was just big enough for two people to wrestle on it.

“Which one then?” Mari said moving her arms around acting as if she’s stretching for a fight, she stepped up to the table and looked at her members grinning.

“Let’s try… Vernon.” Defcon chose and Vernon stepped up facing his female member, all the other members started to shout and cheer for Mari, by her stage name.

“Are you ready Noona?” Vernon asked once they had their elbows set and arms clasped together.

“Yes.” Doni counted down before they both started, Vernon was holding back a little giving Mari time to try and win, just struggle their arms moving slightky to the left before the right, it went on for almost a minute before Doni stopped them.

“Okay, stop, stop.” He said and the pair split up. “I don’t trust you, Vernon it looks like you’re holding back.”

“I’m not.” Vernon lied through his teeth, but it didn’t look like it to everyone watching.

"I am strong.” Mari joked and flexed her arms, Jeonghan and Jun were heard laughing.

“Our Iseol is very strong.” Joshua shouted over the rukus.

“I’d like to see for myself.” Doni said and Mair’s eyes were wide, and her lips formed and O. 0o0. Doni took Vernon’s place, Mari hesitated before she placed her arm back on the table, she braced herself.

“Okay on the count of three.” Defcon said and the boys cheered for their member all leaning in and watching, honestly, they all expected Doni to act like Mari is in fact strong, I mean look at the difference in their arm sizes. His was like over three times the size of hers. “One, two… three!”

And then bam Mari tried to push with all her strength the same time Doni did the same making her arm snap back onto the table making her shout and frown, Doni let go of her arm and held his arm up in victory. Seungcheol went to Mari’s side seeing the pain flash onto her face. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder as the rest of the members still cheered for her and surrounded her. Giving Seungcheol enough time to give her a questioning look while holding her arm.

“I’m okay.” She whispers with a fake smile. She most certainly wasn’t okay, something felt slightly wrong, and she had no idea what. Her arm was burning, but the show must go on. Putting on her biggest smile they continued the show.

Carats watching saw the slight change in Mari after that, she wouldn’t use her right hand as often and let it hang by her side. The members gave her concerned looks over the show and even tried to keep her away from the hosts as much as they could, but Mari continued as cheery as possible with a smile on her face. It was only after the show that Mari asked for some ice. She believes she pulled a muscle or something, nothing too serious it just hurt when she moved her arm, but she had full function.

“Did you pull a muscle?” Wonwoo asked the female holding her arm, she had a short sleeve shirt, so he was inspecting her for any visible marks.

“I think so, it’s a little painful, the pain has mostly dulled now.” She informed her fellow ’96 liner.

“I expected him to act along.” Seungkwan told the duo as he too stood in front of Mari inspecting her arm.

“Me too.” Seokmin said coming with a bag tied with ice inside, a small towel in hand.

“Seungcheol Hyung looked so angry.” Wonwoo stated their leader wasn’t in the room, but the moment Doni didn’t hold back he looked ready to kill.

“Protective as always.” Seokmin said teasing the female.

“Noona to Hyung is like Chan to Jeonghan Hyung.” Mari groaned at Seungkwan’s words, she got teased enough for being Seungcheol’s favorite.

“Whatever you guys, I’m in pain you should be nice to me not tease me.” Mari pouted and frowned, making them all gag and laugh.

“Sorry, that won’t work on us.” Seungkwan told the female a look of disgust on his face.

“You should try Seungcheol Hyung.” Seokmin added making the three males laugh once again.

“I hate you guys so much.” Mari said and huffed leaving them to laugh and make fun of her.

“Try telling that to Hyung.” Wonwoo called for Mari, she doesn’t know why Wonwoo is also ganging up on her, he’s usually on her side too, she just rolled her eyes.

“I bet he’ll cry.” Seungkwan said still laughing.

“I’m telling him you said that!” Mari called leaving them, Seungkwan immediately stopped laughing.

“You wouldn’t.” He was wide eyed, Mari turned to face him and he tried to look innocent and pleaded with her.

“That doesn’t work on me.” She teased him and stuck out her tounge.

“She got you there.” Seokmin said patting his back.

“You two aren’t safe either.” Mari smirked and they looked as white as snow. “I’m telling on you three.”

“Please don’t.” Seokmin pleased with the female.

“We will do anything.” Mari chuckled at Wonwoo’s words and made a thinking face.

“I’ll think about it.” She said and left them to join the rest of the group her arm still iced. She evil laughed as she left them, it did earn her a few confused looks but she didn’t care, she has the upper hand now.

[acephysicskarkat]

did you think I was going to stop ranting about sp0p’s problems just because it’s a new year? thought i was going to make a clean break? tough fucking luck babes! today’s ramble is on That Thing You Like That Is Also Toxic, a thing that, for example, @adora-deserves-better has been seeing in the old ask box this evening.

as a courtesy note, as I’ve picked up one or two non-pornbot follows from people fleeing the birdsite implosion, if you do not want to see this stuff, please take this opportunity to blacklist “#spopcrit”, which has been my tag for this ongoing narrative and thematic autopsy for at least a year now. I promise that I don’t actually discuss this very often, I think at this point I’ve mostly said what I need to say (hell, even this is kind of a rehash of points I’ve made before, I just can’t be fucked tracking down those posts), but sometimes I do feel the need to dissect another organ to further look into what went wrong.

Anyway.

So the thing about fiction is that sometimes fictional romances are toxic. This is not, in itself, a problem; what matters is the handling of the toxicity.

As a case study, let’s look at the distinguished connoisseur’s enemies-to-lovers arc set in a science fantasy setting with a religious space empire and starring a lesbian with a big sword and a mysterious past, the Locked Tomb. Gideon and Harrow’s relationship is an unhinged mess of cosmic proportions. Harrow literally invented an entirely new way of having an unhealthy relationship just for this romance, and it involved brain surgery, which she performed on herself, at seventeen.

However.

The bit where this holds together is that the messiness and toxicity and general fuckery of the relationship is not an error on Tamsyn Muir’s part. It is a part of the narrative that Muir talks about in interviews. Exploring the mess and how it unfolds is a noticeable part of the plot.

It is, essentially, supposed to be kinda fucked.

This is where SP0P runs into its final season problems, because the framing and narrative treatment is not that this relationship is kinda fucked; it’s supposed to be Big and Heartwarming and they will beat you to death with scenes of them in Elysian-esque fields under golden light to make sure you know that...but that meshes poorly with the prior parts of the story, because as of S2-S3, this relationship was absolutely kinda fucked, there are entire episodes about how and why it’s kinda fucked, and, no matter what S5 thinks, it takes more than one apology to fix that.

The romance doesn’t work as narrative or thematic payoff because the show was previously making a big deal about themes that the romance actively harms, and the transition between the two stages is not smooth and does not feel natural. “The point of C*tra’s story is to explore what happens when you’re the toxic friend” meshes poorly with a final season that is all about everyone hastily forgiving C*tra for being the toxic friend and the people she hurt being stripped of agency to avoid any discomfort for the writers. “Abuse is bad” is absolutely a smart thing to say, but you lose a lot of points when you throw in “but also, the things my favourite character does that are totally indistinguishable from abuse are fine and romantic, actually.” They put in an actually really good episode about how C*tra’s obsession with Adora is wildly unhealthy and harmful to them both, and that she should just move on and let go, and then paid off absolutely none of that foreshadowing because it might make the shippers sad. Hell, Stevenson put “Learn to Let Go” on a C*tra playlist and then wrote an endgame about rewarding C*tra for not learning to let go!

The reason why C*tradora grinds my gears where, say, Griddlehark doesn’t is that Griddlehark is about taking a toxic mess, acknowledging that it’s a toxic mess and exploring how that toxic mess develops, and C*tradora is about taking a toxic mess, rushing through a kinda bad redemption arc that doesn’t meaningfully address the toxicity of the mess, and then just declaring it to be Officially Fine Now so that the showrunner’s favourite character can have a happy ending to a tremendously disappointing character arc.

(Also the pacing is bad and it ends up killing all the foreshadowing for actual interesting things the show had been doing in order to focus on C*tra whining about not being forgiven fast enough and how everything is still Adora’s fault, a thing that is vastly less sympathetic than the writers seem to think it is, but as ever, one crisis at a time!)

[snowboiwinwin]

Ateez's 9th member: Ivy's friends outside of the group

Chan, Changbin and Felix (Stray Kids):

Although she gets along well with all of the Stray Kids members, these three have a special place in her heart. She got to know them through Kingdom but has met them prior to that as well.

Ivy remembers Chan always greeting her so friendly whenever they ran into each other and how he always seems so genuinely interested when asking her how she is doing and if everything is going well. Little things like these made her appreciate him a lot and see him as a true friend.

With Changbin it’s different. She knew him way before Kingdom due to Wooyoung being his best friend. These two are the reason the poor girl has grey hair. Whenever Changbin visited, Wooyoung and him made it their mission to annoy Ivy, which they succeeded in. Although she loves Changbin just as much as Wooyoung, she told Chris all about his behavior which he got scolded for by the rest of Stray Kids – oops.

Felix is an angel. His gentle being is what has Ivy whipped for this boy (in a total platonic way). Whenever she needs to unwind and relax, she loves talking or hanging out with Felix. He makes her feel so happy and loved, she doesn’t know how he does it but he always manages to bring some sunlight in her sometimes so dark and cloudy world.

Kevin and Jacob (The Boyz):

Not only are they both Canadian but they both share some similarities with the poison princess.

Kevin is so sassy and sarcastic; Ivy loves how well he keeps up with her mood swings and short-tempered outbursts. He outsasses her and makes sure that she gets her act together – which she is super thankful for.

Jacob on the other hand, like Felix, is the one that brings her calmness and shines sunlight through the thick dark clouds in her head. She is mesmerized by how easy it is for him to stay calm whenever she is mad and seems to know exactly how to calm her down. To her, Jacob is the angel on her left shoulder and Kevin is the angel disguised as the devil on her right.

Peniel and Eungkwan (BTOB):

She wouldn’t really consider them friends but more as family. Ivy surprisingly got very close with these two as they showed her so much support during her hardships in Kingdom. They always had nice words for her that gave her the push she needed.  

Peniel sees Ivy as his little sister – he hasn’t seen his family in so long but Ivy weirdly feels like she is a part of that close circle and he appreciates that. She is like a little fairy to him that needs a lot of protection.

Eungkwan is smitten with the tiny but icy human being. To him she is much more than she gives herself credit for which is why he always make sure to praise her for the things she does. It hurts him how low she tends to think of herself – he made it his mission to always cheer her up and push her ego just the right amount.

Dino (Seventeen):

Funny enough, Ivy used to be a student at his dad’s dancing school and basically grew up with Dino. They have a cute friendship and are often seen having random dance-offs in the corner of whichever venue they are at. Although Dino could easily outdance Ivy, he always makes sure to let her win their random challenges. Dino is also the first to offer helping her whenever she is stuck with a choreography. And even though he doesn’t really know the choreographies most of the time (cause they are created by Ateez before a comeback, duh), he would learn any dance for Ivy in order to help her out. Carats also always keep an eye out for her at concerts because it is not rare to see Ivy and Dino’s dad dancing somewhere in the crowd showing support to their favorite maknae (sorry Jongho).

People Ivy wants to get close with:

Mark (NCT): Ivy has made eye-contact with him a few times and he always smiled her way but besides blushing and some awkward stares, nothing has happened between them.

Hwiyoung and Taeyang (SF9): When she saw their performances on the Kingdom stage she was mesmerized. To Ivy they are so god-like and ethereal, she does not dare even looking their way. She respects them so much, she feels like she would bother them if she ever tried starting a conversation. If only she knew that Hwiyoung is a big fan of her and always talks about her talents to the others (which also has the rest of SF9 intrigued).

Youngji (soloist): Ivy just really wants to get close to Youngji as she thinks they would get along perfectly. She just adores her. Periodt. (She also might want to get drunk with her but you didn’t hear that from me).

Bobby (Ikon): He must be the cutest idol Ivy has ever laid her eyes on. To her Bobby is so adorable but she also admires how he performs on stage. His rap is something that Ivy wishes she could just copy and paste cause it’s just SO GOOD. She loves Bobby and gets only positive vibes of him which is why she wants to get close with him.

[itsmeglendaloraine]

What Beauty Pageants Revealed To Me

Joining a beauty pageant is a revelation to me. It uncovered all my insecurities that I swept under the rug for years. The comments on my body, like stones thrown at me, wounded me for years – so long that the pain numb me. I was seventeen, then. I did not fully realize that when I got to twenty-five. And now, it’s a constant inner battle that I try to win every day. 

In my freshman year of college, I joined a beauty pageant for the first time. Sort of joined or shall I say I was just convinced to join. I was one of the chosen to represent our course in the competition. I said no. There was lots of convincing done until I finally agreed. Half-heartedly.

I was very hesitant because I never see myself as one of those girls – the “beauty queens”. I never considered myself as “pretty”.  

Way back in high school, in my junior year, there was also a beauty pageant held for the school. I was considered but not chosen because I was, as in verbatim, “Glenda you can be one of the contestants if you’re not that skinny. You need to gain more weight or muscle to be considered”. Duh. 

To summarize all the harsh things I heard from my teachers and peers, it is this: I have the face, and the brain, but not the body. (Ouch!)

High school is the teenage years and in those stages of life, there are a lot of changes in our bodies, especially for girls. For once, I never questioned why I am like this, or why I don’t look like that. It never came to me, honestly. Thanks to my Mama, at home, my sisters and I are welcomed as we are, never heard of any criticism coming from our mother. (I heard that from my aunts, but that’s another story.) 

So back to my story…

I finally joined a beauty contest. That one from college (freshman year). I never won and I knew why. It’s because I never gave my best. I just complied. At that moment, I just thought to get that stupid contest done and get it over with! 

As a first-time contestant, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to walk, talk, pose, or smile. As we see on TV, there is that “beauty queen standard”. The girls walk like they are floating or whatever and talk with all the eloquence and all the confidence in the world. Not even a bit of imperfection. 

While me, I was so self-conscious! I’m never confident. I never was. I never had the desire to learn, which is so strange of me. Because when I like something, I am very diligent. To put it, I never liked what I was doing. As I’ve said, it was more on complying with what I was required to do. 

I cannot remember most of how I performed that night because that was the part of my life that I chose to bury. I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want people to talk about it. I never liked to talk about it the whole time I studied at the university. 

But, there was one thing that I vividly remember: I heard lots of good words! Encouragements. Praises. Words that somehow made me survive rehearsals, even, gave me that one bit of confidence to get me to perform on stage. 

Those words came from my teachers, my classmates, my roommates, dorm mates, and even students I don’t know. Words of congratulations even if I did not win. The next morning, I woke up to a text message from a classmate saying I looked so pretty that night. I was shocked! I froze. Oh! Really? 

Everyone was so supportive. Talk about a change of environment. (Haha!)

Here’s one thing that resonated with me from all the books I’ve read and while growing up: Words have an impact. A big one. It is of great significance to our personal development. Sometimes, it will take a while to unravel them but eventually, they will resurface as one of our trauma. One of those pains that have always been there. Hidden. Asleep. 

I was twenty-five when I hit rock bottom. I came to a point where now, I considered a breakthrough. I never knew about anxiety or depression. I never knew them until I was caught in the trap of my thoughts – hurtful words resurfacing. 

I recently read the books, On Purpose by Jay Shetty and Master Your Emotions by Thibaut Meurisse. These books center on personal development and I liked what those books emphasized: that we are not defined by our thoughts or our emotions. All we need to do is self-evaluate and the first step is awareness. We must look into ourselves. 

Our emotions are there to signal us. When we are aware of them, we will be wise enough to be curious about why we feel that way or why a certain event happened to us. We should recognize how we feel. It’s a good opportunity to assess an area of our life that triggers the said emotion. 

Of course, it will not happen overnight. As for me, it took a long while to realize that I need to change some things in some areas of my life. It was quite a journey. Up to now, I am still a work in progress. 

I am at the point in my life where I am happy with how I look. And, every time I see my reflection in the mirror, I like and love what I see. I can’t help but remember that high school girl who was so insecure about herself that she can’t stand seeing her own body because all she hears is that loud, excruciating pain, screaming, “You’re too skinny, you need to eat more”. 

Mind you, I tried so hard on that eating part when I was in high school. I really forced myself to eat a lot but I remained so skinny so I keep on hearing that comment. When I enrolled in college, I heard praise for being one instead of criticism. I heard most of that in the dorm where I lived during my university days. It was when I started to like myself, which led me to love the body that I am in. Little did I know that our bodies are all changing in whatever phase we are in and mainly because of genetics. It’s just how we are made of. 

So, when I was experiencing the worst of my anxiety in my mid-twenties (after months of being depressed), I decided to take charge. That’s when I seek help. I consulted a mental health professional and educated myself on that department. I’ve researched. Read books, read articles online, and learned from stories of people who went through the same journey. I started to incorporate healthy habits such as exercise to release my thoughts. I chose to be healthy. I expressed my thoughts in a journal. I prayed hard to God to release me. To free me. 

I’m turning 30 this year. If I could say one thing to my 15-year-old self, who was rejected in high school, it’s this: “Toughen up! Let yourself be bruised. You’ll thank me later. I’m proud of you!”

Every day, I am choosing to be a better me. As of this writing, I am choosing to put myself first, to embrace all of my flaws and imperfections. I’m not that insecure anymore because I know I am not just pretty but beautiful in my own way. 

We’re all beautiful. We’re all unique. We should be happy and confident with the body we’re in. 

And to those who might be going through the same journey as me, congratulations! You made it here. You’ve come far! We still have a long way to go. 

And to those who are still silently, painfully battling their own demons, I hear you, I see you, I feel you. We can do this. 

I hope that you will join me. Together, we choose to love ourselves and shield our core to those harsh, mean things people carelessly say to us. Take it from Taylor Swift’s song, “People throw rocks at things that shine. But, they can’t take what’s ours”. 

Yes, they really can’t because we shine! Let us all walk with grace and confidence and even if we don’t get the crown, hell yeah! We make our own crown! 

[suuho]

since you mentioned svt, i’d like your opinion on their rapline pls :)

ps. i hope you’re doing great 🫶🏼

hi!! i have talked about the hip hop unit before; i think, as a unit, they are very integral to seventeen's artistic dna. they have the heaviest focus on production and songwriting (with vernon, seungcheol and wonwoo all heavily contributing as lyricists and producers/song writers, second to only jihoon, ofc) and shape a lot of seventeen's sound. songs like cheers, for example, have vernon written all over, and you can always tell when a song has either wonwoo's handwriting or seungcheol's all over. i think, those three members all compliment jihoon's craft in different ways, and are all needed to an extent. vernon, for example, is in my opinion jihoon's closest confidante in terms of writing and production and you can tell that jihoon is very fond of him and his work. seungcheol is kind of his brother in arms, it is obvious they cherish each other and have the sort of relationship that comes from years of nuturing each other. i have spoken about wonwoo and jihoon at length but they speak their very own language when writing, and it is something intricate and beautiful that comes from recognizing yourself in the other. mingyu, i think, is someone that jihoon knows exactly how to handle, how to push to excel, and to write for. (more under the cut, as always)

as a rap line, i think they are the weakest unit in seventeen, just compared to other groups, and that is because the vocal line is so stacked, as is the performance unit. they are not a bad rap line. i need to repeat, they are not bad and i don't think they are. it is simply obvious that seventeen is a performance heavy idol group and has been constructed as such; unlike bts for example, or bigbang. their strongest suits are (live) performance/choreography and production. they have great singers. they have very good rappers. they just aren't a hip hop group.

vernon is easily their best rapper. i have mentioned that before as well. he is such a versatile performer, and i feel like he is really into hip hop culture, even if it is more the indie/hyper pop niche of it. but he is their most skilled rapper, and he is so cool and effortless. when he recorded his a-teen verse, god was right there with him or something. he's sooooo good.

seungcheol is their second strongest rapper, and i don't need him to give me any more than he does. he already has so much responsibility in svt, but he's got this immense swagger; he always projects energy outwards, and that works really well for him as a rapper/performer. see: cheers, left & right, 24h, clap.

wonwoo is such an underrated performer, in my opinion. people think he is boring and pretty much like cardboard because they cannot wrap their heads around the fact that an extreme introvert can perform on that level. he's got a sensitivity that the hip hop unit needs, he is effortlessly cool (which is incredible if you think about what a nerd wonu is), and while he isn't technically the most skilled rapper, he still knows how to deliver. see: hit. every hit fancam of wonu is a gift.

now, mingyu is the heart of hip hop unit. he is a good rapper, he isn't necessarily bad either, he is just the weakest among them. you can tell mingyu was cast as a visual/variety darling/face of the group, but he adds a much needed levity, and on god, he knows how to SERVE, he knows how to PERFORM. the hip hop unit is made up of two extreme introverts, literally 2/3 of svt's most introverted members, and two extroverts that love performance and love the stage. a rap unit needs someone with that sort of charisma that mingyu (and seungcheol) has.

all in all, svt's rapline is not the strongest in the industry in terms of pure rap skills but they are a super integral part of seventeen. and i love them. there has never not been a member of the hip hop unit in my svt bias line (which, right now, consists literally of jihoon, wonwoo, hansol + bias wrecker dino and seungcheol).

feel free to come into my inbox to chat. ♡

[pporapipam]

seeing all the fancams from svt’s concerts and hearing all about people’s concert experiences gives me a tremendous amount of joy 🥰