#no one is wrong its no ones fault but that doesnt make it easier

[b3st-part-of-b3li3v3]

lol being trans is so complicated

I feel alone most of the time

I can tell people don't understand me. It's not their fault, and on a good day it's fine, it's whatever.

But when it's bad, I can fell it, I make them uneasy, they feel uncomfortable around me. On a bad day it's suffocating.

Even the people who love me, my parents, my friends, my little sibling who is my closest confidant. I can feel the tension grow whenever I do anything from mention it in passing or crack a joke. I can feel them avert their gaze, like they're afraid I'll sense their thoughts through their eyes. Even in writing this, it's like, what are they feeling? Shame? Disbelief? Confusion? Embarrassment? Do they just not believe me but don't want to hurt my feelings? People are visually uncomfortable around me and it hurts me in the very depths of my soul. It feels like each step I take forward others are backing away from me, so the distance between where I was and where I am feels that much farther. It's debilitating sometimes. Not always, but sometimes, yeah.

It cuts so deep because I love people, I love gender, and I love the human experience. I'm an open book if you care to ask, but now... there are huge, foundational, exciting, and frustrating aspects of my life and identity that are taboo. Maybe it needs to start with me, but god I'm so tired.

I am only now starting to truly grasp the idea of marginal stress, and the way people's intersectional experiences can lead to these big societal gaps. Being trans is exhausting. I've always been a pretty stereotypically successful person. Good grades, loved school, great with people, could get a job. I love learning and school and friends and everything, but it was hard. Depression amplified by undiagnosed neurodivergency and an unnerving sense of disconnect I would later identify as dysphoria made everything a struggle. Completing high school, despite me loving school, was like pulling teeth out. I shed so many tears over college applications. But I did it, and I'm here, and I'm alive, and I'm good at it. I had to suffer a lot to do it, but I did. I kept up.

It's hard not to feel alone. All of my struggle was internal. I wanted good grades, I wanted college, I wanted to keep going. But more than that, it was me who got me out. It was me who fought back against my eating disorder even when everyone thought I was crazy. It was me who didn't kill myself in high school, who got out of that god-forsaken church. I was the one who researched ADHD when no one would listen. I tried to make it easy on people when I came out. I started slow, over years. It was me that got my whole family to go back to therapy, to reach out to a gender affirming therapist, to buy a binder, to reach out about hormones. I was alone driving to the doctor, I sat alone in the waiting room, alone at the CVS, alone at the kitchen table, my hands shaking, for my first intramuscular injection. Everyone in my life had told me it made them uncomfortable to talk about it.

It's like, I can't even be poetic or cute, because it hurts. It hurts because I know every one of these people accepts others like me, but it's my proximity that's alarming. They don't understand the stress. One of my friends was ranting about how at almost 20 years old she doesn't have a bank account that she doesn't share with her father. I took everything in me to listen. My parents don't want me on hormones, and even though they mean well, it still makes me sad. I am still legally entitled to their insurance, not that they would even not let me use it if I wasn't, but I pay for it with my money I make working my jobs. My financial independence is a huge part of how I can even transition. I hate that I feel resentment towards this friend but I do. The idea that she would want to get a credit card just so her dad can't make snide comments about her buying clothes from Shein or a signed copy of a book is comical to me. I hate comparing people's situations (we had even just finished a conversation about Shein which finished on that topic), but I'm financially independent so I can buy the gender-affirming, life-altering, world-changing medical care that I wouldn't have been able to start without it. Her having her own bank account or not, it doesn't make any significant difference in her life, she doesn't have to make a choice but she can still choose. I'm not mad at her, I'm grieving for myself. Not that it's even that big of a deal, but god, it just makes me think.

I'm not mad at anybody, I've just so recently realized why life is hard for trans people. In biology class we were doing a blood typing lab, and part of that involved pricking yourself with a safety needle. One of those little orange boxes where if you press down a little needle pops out. You don't see it go in, it bleeds for less than a minute, and you go on with your day. The class was losing their minds at this. Grown ass adults, the whole class losing composure about having to "stab" themselves with these needles. Funny thing is, they didn't even have to? If they didn't want the needle they could use some blood the lab had on hand. I'm watching these people freak out and all I can think about is my injection I'll be doing tomorrow morning at 6am. I'll have to pull back on the needle at it sits an inch and a half in my leg to make sure I'm not injecting into a vein and going to kill myself, and these adults are freaking out over a needle. That idea sat like stone in the bottom of my stomach. I have no problem with people disliking needles, or having to hurt themselves, or having a weak stomach, or not being manly enough or anything. It's because it felt isolating. I realized I was the only one who had to be so comfortable around needles, who had to put on a brave face tomorrow morning and draw up the oil. No one around me could have lived a day in my life. It's kind of exciting, but on a bad day like that day, it was like a curtain went up around me. And how do I explain this to someone? That seeing people wince over a needle leaves a pit in my stomach that drags me down for the rest of the day. I never thought stress would be so personal, so seemingly random, and affect me so much.

I always joke about being a self-made man, which is a lie, since I'm afraid it wouldn't land. But god, I take pride in that! The idea that I'm working for this. I experience this is a much more purposeful way than any of you bitches. You got here by chance? I got here by choice, every scar and stitch proof of my devotion to myself and to my cause. I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, I bled for this. It sounds violent and aggressive, but god I'm working so hard to get up out of bed every morning. Just to convince myself that we're getting one day closer. Finding the little moments of euphoria and savoring those forever. One of my few queer friends at school took me to Salem and did an amazing job of gendering me correctly. It was effortless for her, and I couldn't stop beaming. I felt like me, I felt so good I can't even describe. And it feels even better because I know she fully sees me as I see myself. Their is no miscommunication, no doubt, no tension which swallows me whole. She is one of the few areas of my life where I am understood. I'm so grateful to her I can't describe. She cured me, if that makes sense. Not even her, she just prescribed it. Being my correct gender cured me, even for that one night.

I've known I've been some flavor of gay man since middle school, but what do you do once you know? And you're so little and you're so confused. I grew up in a conservative church, I didn't know trans people existed, let alone ones who were also gay. I always say that you were your truest self in middle school. Not necessarily down to the minute details, but more of the idea that in middle school you were so generally awkward, odd, or out-of-place that you could explore facets or interest of desire that you who works a 9-to-5 cannot. I new I was a man, but didn't know it was possible to do that in any meaningful way. That night in Salem everything clicked. Not only did I want to be a guy, more than anything, but I could. No questions asked, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I can be a guy. It's never felt like that before. Most people treat me not as I am, but as I appear to be, and that shakes my confidence, not of what I am, but if I will ever not make people uncomfortable. Like, yes transitioning is amazing, the happiest and most satisfied I've ever been in my life, but that night proved that there is a transitioned. It's real hope, and clarity like I haven't experienced in a while. True euphoria.

Anyways, I lost the plot. I've been listening to My Way by Frank Sinatra recently, and it feels very much applicable to my experience. I'm doing it, alone, and very well. I'm doing it my way. And when I'm there, when I'm not -ing, but -ed, when cis people finally respect me because I appear as I am, when I have grown to be palatable, I'll have done it my way. Fighting tooth and nail, alone, for truth so inherent I thought it was a non-issue. And no one else gets the credit. I will have graduated, top of my class, doing straight cis-normative sexist homophobic society better than any of you all ever have. And it sounds bitter, it sounds harsh, it sounds unforgiving, but god so has this. I'm the little red cock and I'm gonna eat my fucking bread man. I am trans joy and trans wrath and trans justice and trans perseverance. AHHHHHHHHHH. I love it, again so happy, but god people sure as hell won't let it be effortless.

[lion-buddy]

being the resident nezuko liker is such a challenge sometimes

[mrfoox]

Just remembered how after my autistic diagnose every offical person was so careful to approach me about it at first. I know that's probably standard bc not everyone will like those news or know how to handle it but I legit just had doctors go 'hey... So... Are you okay? How do you feel?' and I was like 'haha, nice, so I haven't just been faking/now I know why I'm so different'

[writingpuddle]

just had to say, i loved your tags on that post about the upperclassmen and how they treat kevin/andrew/neil. fandom tends to work on this "they're all assholes" beliefs, and it's not necessarily untrue. but i think people tend to forget just how unlikeable kevin and andrew are from the upperclassmens perspective. i think people also forget the upperclassmen didn't just blindly love neil. for all his faults, like you said, he was pretty chill. he was much easier to get along with and it helped massively that unlike kevin/andrew he actually wanted to make a connection with the upperclassmen.

im glad my tags resonated with you! i have this half-cooked thesis that maybe one day i'll get around to fleshing out about the difference between individual responsibility and collective responsibility that i always think about when i see this conversation pop up--something about how yes, we as a society have a responsibility to people who have been harmed to try and help them recover, but that responsibility doesnt actually apply to every individual person. in this case, the idea that wymack founded the foxes (an institution) in order to help people move forward and build a future doesnt mean that every individual involved in the foxes has to invest all their energy in that same goal. in fact its pretty wild to expect every beneficiary of a service to simultaneously provide it to those around them.

the institution has to be be fair, has to provide help independent of some arbitrary category of 'deserving' but individuals...dont have to do that. every fox signed on to escape their own nightmare, not to help fix the other foxes. the upperclassmen have no responsibility to reach out to kevin and andrew when they have been so hostile in return. wymack has to, because he made a commitment to doing so. the upperclassmen didnt.

and as you said--the question of why the upperclassmen were nicer to neil is straightforwardly answered by he wasnt mean to them. he was sometimes unnecessarily blunt or rude (if we got what we deserved we wouldnt be foxes) but he was also the one who gave them awed compliments when he first started playing with them. he was the one who said we can win this. he was the one who shut kevin up when he started to be negative.

he was easy to like. part of that was intentional on his part--not that he was intentionally being likeable, but he was trying to portray himself to be less antagonistic than he really is. he tells us quite explicitly that he is portraying 'neil' to be meeker than his natural instincts, so he hangs out with the upperclassmen and is mostly at least neutral in terms of social hangouts and when it comes to exy he is extremely positive. and despite his occasional snaps at the upperclassmen, he actually rarely lashes out when its not deserved. his temper is reserved for riko and people who support him. kevin and andrew lash out at the upperclassmen in their own ways, and avoid them in many other circumstances, for reasons that are often obscure without neils insider knowledge. it isnt morally wrong to like someone who is easier to be around.

'why are they nicer to neil' because neil was nicer to them. thats how human interaction works. doesnt mean andrew and kevin didnt deserve help--but the person to provide that was the person who made a commitment to do it, not the people who just happened to be--effectively--their coworkers.

to sum up: everyone deserves human decency from everyone, but not everyone deserves friendship from everyone.

i guess--i dont want to get too antagonistic about this myself, because i actually doubt that many people have super simplistic views on this topic, theres just the occasional oversimplified post that gains a bit of traction. but i do think theres also a very fascinating tendency for people to try and make aftg into a neat didactic story about reaching out to people to understand them because neil reached out to andrew and it worked (and arguably saved both of them). but aftg isnt didactic. its not a prescription for how to behave. its made up. in real life, if i met andrew and it wasnt my job to help him, i would avoid him like the plague. sorry. i love him as a fictional character and i love him because i know his story but holy fuck i would not spend a minute in his company if i didnt have to.

friendship isnt social work. emotions arent activism. the upperclassmen didnt owe andrew and kevin their sympathy or their time just because they were traumatized. you cant control peoples emotional reactions to how they are treated. kevin and andrew treated them badly. neil largely didnt. thems, as they say, the breaks.

[mamadarama]

bad end alt timeline?? oaugh i love mama and do rlly want him to have a happy ending (honestly anything going well for him would be nice at this point) but im SO curious <3

ohh man. ok. ooookkkkaaaay. so i sort of havent posted details about this one cuz it is A LOT to take in all at once..... and as we all know im a hardcore hurt/no comfort fan which is not everyones cup of tea. but um.... okay. okay. this is going under a readmore cuz itll be a long one

its basically if madaras storyline ended very soon in a worst case scenario. his reason for going on hiatus from mam and disbanding double face is because hes tying up loose ends . he holds being related by blood to too high a status and wasnt able to recognize in time that just because he no longer has a blood family doesnt mean he has no family at all. it becomes too much for him to bear and hes lonely, and cant imagine where hed be in the future. he starts to feel like hes becoming a dead weight for his friends and causing them too much secondhand distress . he thinks it would be better if he ripped the band aid off so to speak, it would hurt for a moment but never again *. he finishes tying up the rest of his loose ends, and commits suicide by jumping into the ocean from a cliff with a lighthouse where he and kanata spent a lot of time as children. (this isnt canon i made it up for impact) he felt it fitting to meet his end where it all began, in the water that acted as his red string of fate, remained a constant in both his best and worst memories, and has long since become a symbol of his grief.

* he is wrong about this.

his grave is on this cliff. kanata visits often to talk to him. kohaku also does. his family did in fact come to the funeral. chiaki feels a little guilty despite knowing it wasnt his fault. its easier with kanata supporting him. madara left a note telling him to take care of kanata. leo locked himself in his room again and would have followed madara if izumi hadnt snapped him out of it. kohaku wears his hair in braids regularly now. no one mentions it or double face. rei is coping well, he recognized the signs and had anticipated this might happen but knew he wouldnt be able to talk madara out of it, so he focused more on making the most of the time they had left together. he seems a little more distant these days though. tsumugi tries not to think about it. sora thinks about it a lot, but the feeling eventually stopped aching and became more of recalling fond memories. keito and mitsuru feel sorry for madara. kuro is still in shock since he had no idea about madaras history, and it probably wont ever fully sink in, which might be for the best.

also as a little bonus , read the lyrics to hey you by pink floyd after you read this post.

so yeah! thats my catharsis fuel. dw im in therapy.

[clusterrune]

"its okay to be not okay" replacements

["its okay to not be okay" replacements]

in the case of toxic positivity.

as my qpp pointed out, the lack of the use of the phrase "its okay to not be okay", needs to be normalized. we need to normalize not being okay, but change our phrasing so we dont make this "not okay" feeling seem like a defult emotion rather than the signal it is.

while its normal to not feel okay that doesnt mean its actually okay to feel that way. feeling bad, sad, down, hurt, guilt, etc are all signs something is wrong and it needs working out.

saying its okay to feel that way brushes off the whole point that youre supposed to look into why you feel that way.

i also found an article bringing up a similar point here(link)

here's some better phrasing and quotes from a conversation we had on discord:

3. "why dont you tell me about it/how you feel/your day, and we'll figure something out?"

this one offers a space to talk and figure out more about the "not okay" feeling as well as what may have caused it. sometimes people need to hear that its normal in the way that they'll feel heard.

4. to quote myself. "its normal to feel, but this feeling is telling you something is wrong and you need help working it out." feeling and having emotions is normal, its humanoid, its what a majority of living things if not all expirience. you are not to be ashamed for that and being made aware or reminded of the functions of feelings in general can help avoid or lessen that shame they might feel on top.

5. "its not wrong to feel a certain way" you dont have to necissarily encourage them to talk, but letting them know their emotions arent something they can turn off or on like a light switch let alone be at fault for, is a good start to things. its not wrong to have a reaction, thats normal, what you need to figure out is why you reacted that way. get to the route of the feeling.

6. "feeling bad is acceptible/normal"

a little weak but again, still a good start like other phrases.

7. "expiriencing (emotion) is completely natural"

more of another sentance starter than an entire phrase itself but its a good prompt and echorages digging deeper and opening up without feeling like youre weird/in the wrong/out of place for feeling that way.

of course you are entirely free to add your own phrases and/or even alter these to the specific context youre in, as you see fit. the more options the better and easier communication may be.

@syth-de-rolo as de rolo and @thetravelerstale as traveler

[straycalamities]

Your post made me curious about Julien.... Would love to hear about him and Andrews relationship

hmm...the conundrum with that is i would like to show it one day so how much to tell...

the thing abt this is julian has ALWAYS been written in andrews life. one of the constants of his story no matter how much he changes. (he used to be named Matty) but ive uh...been a chicken to properly show it because uh its HEAVY.

so hm...i've gone over andrew's family life before so it's not meh to go over it again i think...

that's also mostly stayed the same.

readmore bc...ya boys gonna get long-winded

so andrew has a very strict mother with very high expectations of her children, but especially him. his father is more lax and easy-going, pretty carefree tbh, but bc of this its to a fault where he also just..doesnt want to confront his wife. so things kinda..go out of control in the household as far as...his mom's weird like..competition thing between andrew and his sister

so andrew has a twin sister Alana (anyone remember Jackie? yea) and she's pretty naturally good at whatever she puts her mind to. not that she doesnt bust her ass, but things just? come to her. it's just how it is. and she's very much a daddy's girl which pushes andrew into the role of momma's boy. so then it becomes andrew's dad and alana vs andrew's mom and andrew. except. it's pretty much only andrew's mom pushing this narrative, but she's a very convincing person and is the kinda person to naturally command a room

alana is also a naturally curious person so she likes to pick up hobbies and things and practice them until she's over it or good at it or both. and thus..andrew gets pushed into these things too, to not be outdone

the thing about andrew, though, is that he's got a more particular way that he needs to engage with things to actually pick things up and learn them. first of all, he's a very kinetic learner so just reading or hearing a lecture about it doesn't do anything for him. and unfortunately he doesn't have anyone in his life early on (teachers nor family) who understand this about him. they just think there's something wrong with him or off about him or that he's lazy/doesn't care.

but andrew cares. oh he cares. way too much. and he works. so hard. to try to match with the expectations weighing on him, but it just! doesn't happen! no matter how hard he tries! he can't absorb what he's reading! he can't process what he's hearing! when he DOES get the chance to just get his hands on things and figure things out, he shines

and alana tries to help because despite it all, she cares a lot about him. she tries to show him things or tell him what helped her, but it's just..different. the things that work for her, dont't work for him. and she also can't be with him a lot because she has a lot going on. she has big aspirations and she has lots of friends (more things he struggles with) how did they end up so different u_u

so andrew's daily life is very very stressful. he feels like he's always under watch, under scrutiny, every little thing is being judged, weighed, and measured. and that just makes everything much harder for him. he eventually learns over-time to perform great under pressure but that's because the pressure in his adult-life is nothing like the pressure of his childhood lmao

(and if this is a universe where he's got the necromancy thing goin on, there's THAT whole can of worms too. bc of how looked down on and oo scary necromancy is)

so its like..andrew does have his aspirations, his dreams. he wants to be an astronaut! :) and he maintains some semblance of that goal his whole life. he just likes space! he thinks its neat and would rather just spend all day learning about space than anything he's supposed to be learning. not that it's easier, but he's more motivated lmao

he's a C or low B student (idk how to translate american schooling marks into anything else sorry..american moment) and so he's not doing...too bad, but definitely not enough to his teachers or his parents. and he's "inconsistent" bc go figure sometimes lessons are more to his learning capabilities and he excels so oh no now ppl have Proof He Can Do It why cant he do it All The Time. fantastic.

being so focused on making everyone proud or proving everyone wrong in other cases (yes andrew does operate on a level of spite) has andrew finding little time for himself. especially bc his moms the type to not like uhh idle activities. everythings gotta have a Point of Growth. literally the only reprieve is that his mom works away from home a lot, but she'll definitely call or video-call often to make up for that fact. and andrew's The One she has her eye on. he's Her responsibility to better

(the thing about his mom is god she's a strict hard-ass but she does love him uh...so i'm not trying to make it all Ooo Evil Heartless Mother Time. nah she cares but boy is she awful at showing it. and that's not an excuse but..yaknow. it is how it is. her whole thing abt being such a tyrant is that she's worried about him and wants him to do better and Be better and so she's gonna force it down his throat til it takes ...rip)

ofc his family all has their bonding pleasant moments its not all hell all the time and like i said his dad and sister are more uh..better at showing they care but still not..amazing. the whole household like i said before in another post is more reserved than like..ji-hoon's for example who freely give hugs and stuff

anyways so alll of this uh..stuff is to explain: Andrew Doesn't Have Friends LMAO his entire elementary school experience is spent not having time for friends and eventually just not knowing how to Make them bc he had no practice or experience doing so. and the other kids don't think much about him because he doesn't make time for them? they've got other ppl to hang out with. and when a kid does make an attempt he fucks it up somehow or his mom scares them off with the Restrictions for how andrew is allowed to interact with other kids (if andrew wouldnt tell them tho they wouldnt have to know..smh)

by the time he's transitioning to middle school is when he meets julian. julian ALSO does not have friends (gee wonder why (youll see why)) and julian sees andrew not having friends either and thinks well! time to have this loner be MY friend. and julian is a pretty charismatic person when he wants to be. he knows how to small talk and keep conversations going and all that. i say this like a tween julian already has evil intentions but tbh..nah it DOES honestly start off innocent enough. julian has a lot going on at home too and wants someone to be his friend. simple as that. andrew doesnt already have a group, so..easy choice there. should be

the stuff that usually scares ppl away doesnt work on julian because he's a very anti-rules disobedient sort at this point already anyways. he just sees it as a challenge really so even if andrew makes things awkward by parroting his moms rules on how he can interact with other kids based on her paranoias about the typical Child and what they could teach Her Precious Baby it doesnt phase him. he gonna do it anyway

they do have interests in common, turns out! they like some of the same music. some of the same shows/movies. and things like that. the rest of it Becomes shared interests bc julians the type to go "hey i like this. now you will too" and for the most part? their shared tastes go a long way and andrew DOES end up liking most things julian introduces him to

at first julian does kinda..have no choice but to follow the Hard Rules that andrews got for hanging out so..they pretty much only see each other at school, they start picking up writing letters for each other to read only when they get home so they can write a reply and they get kinda lengthy as more topics get added lol

but eventually julian starts convincing andrew to like..shake things up a bit. asks where he lives. turns up at his window. just to chaaat ofc. theyre not gonna get in trouble psh.. its just talking. then it becomes andrew calling julian at home even tho he's not allowed to be on the phone, but if he does it at night then nobody can catch him (or if his moms away bc tbh does his dad rly care..? but andrew assumes he does)

and so julian and andrew get steadily closer and closer that way and andrew is. ecstatic. his first friend! and a really close one! they're best friends! and for julians credit, he's still just thinking "yay i have a friend. someone that makes life suck less :) even if he's a dweeb who i need to teach to live life"

and okay well anything further about them needs content warnings: very unhealthy, toxic relationship talk. manipulation

so unfortunately. julian has a very uhh extreme view on his life. he likes to exaggerate everything (usually for the worst) and jus tlike in general. not just describing it, he actually feels like his life is the worst life anyone could ever have. his parents split up when he was young and now he's being raised by his grandma who is also strict but in a way where its like..shes strict on him but lives kinda like..whatever, herself. shes very do as i say not as i do but julian hangs onto the Example she's putting off and hates her guts for having the Audacity to try to make him do different when she cant even do it herself. he also has an uncle who has his fingers in a lot of very shady pots and so julian is keen to things he rly shouldnt be at a young age

so with all that, he has a tendency to kinda lash out at the world around him. thats sorta his...uh version of coping. and with so many ppl putting him at arms length mostly because of THIS part of his behavior especially, he's only got one person at his side. loyal. always there for him.

unfortunately thats andrew

and it starts small like..playful insults. nothing rly anything at first it could just be the way he shows affection. but then the insults hit parts that sting deeper and deeper. and get more and more personal. and julian starts making almost memes? of some of andrews faults, weaknesses, and insecurities as if that's just one of their Inside Jokes they have, yknow, as best pals. so andrew feels like oh well i have to like this bc its Special and its just for me. i should appreciate that he's doing this. nobody else has this. and he's not being Mean he's just being playful

and unfortunately the more andrew lets him get away with it, the worse julian gets about it. the thing is that nobody's taught andrew self-worth yet. he's been too busy trying to be what other people want him to be. so here he is, also being what julian wants him to be: a punching bag. but he doesnt realize thats what it is. he just thinks julian wants andrew to be the type to be "playfully rude" with but, again, im saying julian goes way past that

and as julian gets older, the more he reserves what used to be how he was with everyone, being him, being genuine in all the worst and best ways, with only andrew. so everyone else gets this very like..agreeable neutral kinda personality out of julian. so then andrew also sees THAT and thinks wow..i really am special

and as years go by and they go from middle school to high school and social situations change around them, andrew feels even more lucky he's gotten somebody special to him and that he's special to because by highschool it feels like everyones already got their cliques and their partners-in-crime and he'd feel like a mega loser without julian. and julians shown him and taught him so many cool things that give him things to actually talk about with other ppl when they Engage with him?

but yeah throughout highschool julian teaches andrew more and more rulebreaking habits. they even set up ways to make money at school w stuff like..selling test answers or snacks or stuff when they can get away with it. or skipping classes or other things. vandalizing things. pranking ppl (harmless :) ofc..but maybe only physically so)

so we return to julian's uncle. liek i said he's a shady dude. well. he starts involving an older julian in his shady shit. so now julian and andrew are peddling fkn weed and prescription drugs around their school and neighborhood. eventually they're hotwiring vehicles to steal. (kinda uhh tragically this is actually where andrew figures out he's pretty good at cars and likes them a lot and even if he's having a constant crisis about Being Awful, he's also uhhh more motivated to learn how to do a new thing and Be Good At It. bc that's the thing isnt it? he's finally Good At Something) and stealing other things too

and i kinda quickened the pace here but its like..well it does escalate pretty quickly because at some point julian has andrew wrapped around his little finger and tho there are the times one or both of them get caught and andrew gets in trouble, has a crisis, and swears off doing anything like that ever again!! julian just has to warm andrew up to it again. because by highschool julian also has the upper hand in that he's become andrew's gay awakening. so now andrew has a huge crush on him and especially wants to impress him and keep him around and notice him and find him cool and worthwhile

and at first julian is sorta confused?? but diversity win! the manipulative toxic asshole best friend is also into boys! but giving andrew everything he wants wouldnt be very fun would it? he has something to dangle over his head. and he's gotten to the point where this is high risk shit. andrew could very much change his mind about everything about them and leave julian and the longer time goes on, the more paranoid julian becomes of this very thing happening. so he holds onto whatever leashes he can get twisted around andrew

he'll entertain his attraction but never clarifies anything. never gives him like..bold affection. never makes it clear how he feels or if he's even completely fine with it? which adds pressure onto andrew that he's just making all this up. or he's being the weirdo, pushing something on julian who might be straight or something

outside of julian tho, andrew's family is noticing his behavior bc i mean..also hes obviously getting caught doing some of this stuff. and his grades are even worse. and sometimes they get calls abt him missing school? and they try to intervene bc like..andrews got One friend. its gotta be this guy. so they try to ground andrew, ban julian, all kinds of stuff but they're slippery and they've got all sorts of workarounds. and ultimately, they still go to the same school. and..sadly. this, at first, just makes andrew desperate to keep julian all the more bc now he's beome this like..symbol of freedom and having Fun and living life to the fullest and anything related to home starts being associated with prison, suffocation, snuffing out his personality and everything he's learned about himself and like..even if he doesnt rly has Friends outside of julian (he's convinced julian is the only friend he rly wants/needs) he's still seen as cool! the Bad Boy, the Hookup for cool shit (snacks, drugs etc) he's a hit sometimes with the Le Popular Kids ooo... and he might even get invited to get-togethers with julian (julian is actually the introvert to andrews extravert but he Humors ppl for the image and he likes the way andrew always looks at him like a lost puppy when he's trying to figure out what to say in convos with other ppl)

but overtime, julians just gotten too comfortable with being too rough with andrews mentality and his emotions. bc he's never stopped his absolute drilling into andrews squishy parts in order to make himself feel better. or somehow blaming andrew for everything, even julians own shortcomings. and playing hot n cold with andrews emotions and etc. like there's just a lot he does that keeps andrew eternally unsure of where he's standing with julian or if he's doing things Correct or in a way that makes julian Happy. and as andrew gets older and starts Understanding things, he starts Understanding that hey...there's actually a lot about this that he doesnt like. he starts trying to...ask julian to lighten up. to consider his feelings on things. that he wants to do..things he wants to do? why do they always do things julian wants to do. why do they always get into what julian likes but never what andrew likes.

julian is...surprised and he does not Like this change. doesnt like that andrew is trying to cause problems? in their relationship? like why make this a thing? when its nothing? it was fine before? but the thing about letting andrew meet ppl, gain reasons for ppl to wanna talk to him and know him is that he gets to know how other ppl are and how they feel abt him. and though he hasnt made any other Friends, he's just learning how..Normal ppl are. and how julian with him is Not Normal. and its in a bad way bc andrew feels bad! he feels sick to his stomach sometimes. and nobody gets to him like julian does! and he thought before it was the crush but now he's starting to realize...he doesnt actually feel that way about julian anymore because he's just gotten so...Cruel

well now when andrew gets grounded/banned from julian, he doesn't fight it. he doesn't find the loopholes anymore. he lets things go and just kinda...tries to see how he feels? and he finds he...feels better. there's ways he feels worse, but there's a lot more ways he feels like he can breathe. like he's a person. and he likes it so...he starts to just ween himself off julian. and julian starts to act up more bc he doesnt have his usual ways to Cope and gets in trouble more, being at school Less and that just causes more distance

and julian is finally living with what he was most terrified of. and andrew is willingly? throwing him away? and he cant have that. he's at his wits end and panicking

new content warning: whew boy suicide mention/suicide-baiting

and thats all i rly have to say aint it

he holds the fact over his head that if andrew actually does officially cut ties with him, julian will kill himself. that he has no reason to live if he doesn't have andrew. that andrew is his everything and the light of his life, his joy, all that. and he cant't just? leave him like this?

and at first andrews like wait no this is awful dont do that..im sorry and like..tentatively keeps his ties to julian, tries to continue things the wya they were! just uh..different! bc if julian wants andrew to stay then..compromises have to happen okay? and julian says he agrees but catch things getting worse again and andrew in the same boat he was before

distancing

julian freaking out in a panic at 2am on a phone call describing what he's about to do til andrew apologizes again

rinse

repeat

but andrew eventually is just...tired. man. he's getting closer to graduating. he really does NOT need this. it's taking such a heavy toll on him bc rly! nothing else terrible in his life ever really went away, this is just an addition. it's not that his mom saw him acting out and thought oh...this is bc im too hard on him, nah, she stays hard. she gets Harder. his moms stern and affectionless and doesnt understand his plights, his sisters always so busy with her life, and his dad is out of touch. and mostly: andrew doesnt want to bother anyone with his problems. its his own fault, after all. its his mess. and he also is terrified of what anyone would think of even..half the things he'd have to admit to get them to understand. or even a fourth tbh

so one day he just..has had enough. julian threatens to tell his parents what he's done, what he's really like even if it brings julian down too. julian plans to be dead anyways after so what does it matter

and andrew just tells him to do it and hangs up

he feels sick to his stomach for days, but also is too fed up to call and apologize or take it back. he flip-flops on both so much he ends up doing nothing at all

and this is where julian is officially out of his life. i call it Schrodinger's Julian at this point bc did he? or didnt he? well what is the truth is he just does not show up again. so andrew is free but..he literally does not know at what cost. and the guilt eats him up alive for the rest of his life as well as all the damage literally going from like 12-13 to 18 with what this shit did to him

(cw: suicide stuff over)

this is where some of the stories diverge? umm..he either goes immediately to college or waits. with the college timeline Also diverging to oh he makes it somehow or oh he has to drop out

my default tho is that he does try, but he has to drop out. and makes an absolute mess of himself while he's trying. college parties and nightlife and everything else. sex drugs and rock n roll pretty much. everything he knows about connecting to other people is completely Fucked and so he thinks he's making connections but it's not real. and nothing feels like it did with julian but that should be a good thing? or should it. he misses the old julian and he misses the good parts and he feels like he'll never have that with someone again or that maybe...if he did...they'd do the same thing. maybe its dangerous to be that close to anyone. but oh he wants it. so bad.

and we'll continue with my usual story but uh (cw: drugs/drug-use)

we have to delve a bit into the fact he becomes an addict. because he very much does. with all the escapism he does in college because he's just trucking along without processing a drop of this? no therapy? not even someone to vent to or hold onto? nah man. shits rough. and he loses himself in many kinds of drugs but heroin is his Drug of Choice and also loses himself in other people but in shallow ways. he becomes a party animal but in the worst way and that becomes his "college" is just this whole social scene that he's not even engaging with in a meaningful way bc he's too terrified of earnest closeness with another human being

meanwhile his grades tank and he just...stops going. needless to say he becomes very much a disaster of a human being at the end of this. the thing is tho..its all self-internalized. he doesnt take it out on other ppl or even want to make it other ppls problems. he tries to just come off as this rly fun guy whos up for literally anything. and like yeah ppl who hang w him enough can definitely See Somethings Up but he's literally just like oh its nothing! its fine im fine! bc no if he opens up about anything everyones gonna hate and abandon him

and unfortunately this gets back to his mom and she uh...cuts him off. completely. if he wont get cleaned up. if he wont just...BE better jst DONT be this trainwreck of a son or else. dont associate with her. thinking maybe itd be a shock enough he'd just Get Better? (lmao) but lmao no. and he rly spirals bad after that but luckily his dad and his sister still sneak contact with him, doing what they can? with someone who doesnt wanna make anything anyone elses' problem and insists he's fine everythings. Fine.

what Does finally have him like?? find hope again? and cling to it and start to eventually put his life back on its feet again depends on the story im writing but something eventually always does and he always has the same Sponsor to help him :'3 darius...(his old roommate from when he was a teacher at thornville..remember that guy? yea rewrote him into here in a different way) and idk..things do look up for andrew! it's just...a very much uphill battle and that's kinda usually where i place him in like Current Events in whatever sceneario/story im thinking of is after he's gotten on his feet (shakily but he's there) and he's usually a mechanic (sometimes moonlights as a necromancer for hire as well) and he's Working himself up to trying college again but hes taking his time. and he's got some sort of support circle (darius, ji-hoon, and sometimes others)

ji-hoon he actually meets as one of his roommates in college and it takes a lot of Effort from ji-hoon but he sees andrew struggling and kinda nags his way into his life to help and is usually one of the reasons andrew gets inspired to get better bc ji-hoon is literally everything julian wasnt but like in a good way. he cares, unconditionally about ppl in general but especially andrew because idk they just Click right. and like i said in another post, ji-hoon's family basically adopts andrew as well and they're so affectionate and loving and give lots of affirmations and stuff and andrew probably cries bc he's never felt that much love tbh and then feels like shit abt it bc crying is dumb, but then everyone else cries too (happy tears) and its like oh

idk this is where i start having lot sof tangential thoughts so ill leave it here but uh! yeah! so that's the story of julian and andrew! and the damage it did! and yes! this is true in every iteration of andrew ive ever written! (the julian and childhood family stuff part, not necessarily all the rest that comes after, a lot of that's new)

[devouringcalamity]

Do you feel like you treating them unfairly was wrong? Do you regret the actions you took? What makes an action unfair if it isn't wrong? Additionally, when you say you tend to "use obsession against people" do you see that action as wrong? The way you say both of these things like "unfairly" or "use it against" tend to have negative connotations, but don't necessarily imply or warrant guilt. Do you often treat others unfairly for your entertainment? If so, do you feel that that's something you do despite it being wrong were everyone to do it, or do you think it's just you excercising power over others in a way that anyone could, like survival of the fittest? Do you think some people deserve to be treated poorly? Also, are you harmed by people attempting to insult you even if they're unsuccessful in hurting your ego? And if someone does something out of fear or in response to being treated unfairly, does that make what they did less bad or more understandable to you?

It was objectively wrong but i dont feel bad for it. I also dont regret it.

I know that using human emotions against others is wrong but often it is like second nature and i dont realize. It doesnt feel malicious either. I have only maliciously manipulated like three people in my life. With the others it kinda just happens and i dont mean to do it necessarily. When you grow up the way i did , you learn to notice the things people are most insecure about, you know exactly what to say to make it hurt. That happened to one of my classmates when i was still in school; i unknowingly kept pointing out huge insecurities in her which lead to her feeling bullied and hating me. These kind of things i do feel bad for because i never meant to upset her. I talked it out with her once i realised the harm i have done.

I definitely see a lot of people as way to get entertainment, especially online because its easier to dehumanise them through a screen. Using people helps with the chronic boredom you eventually develop and to have an outlet for any paraphilic obsessions. I cannot do these things to people i care a lot about, i do not enjoy hurting friends or partners; i have so many things id want to do to someone, theyre constantly on my mind and knowing it is attainable makes it even worse.

I do think its a survival of the fittest type thing; i prey on people i think of as “weaker” and so does anyone else who tries to use someone. I dont think it means these people deserve anything bad though, its just something that is more likely to happen. Although i prefer the kind of person who thinks they want to be abused, who already thinks of themselves as less as. I do feel guilt sometimes, rarely, but i do.

I like when people attempt to insult me, i dont mind negative attention. I stop enjoying it obviously when they actually say or do something that bothers me.

I think acting out of fear, hurting others out of fear, all these things are extremely understandable. I dont think someone is bad for trying to defend themselves in a bad situation and i do think its rightful to hurt the ones who hurt you. Of course it wouldnt be good for me if someone acted that way but i wouldnt fault them for it

[kienansidhe]

idk as a disabled digital artist whose commissions client stream dried up in the past couple years and is now fully financially dependent on my partners: my 'lost income' is not the fault of ethical ai artists. its actually largely the fault of ppl who hate me specifically and have been stalking and harassing me and getting my accts banned since 2021 and want me dead but thats a whole other story.

i dont find the process of ekeing out the images i want from ai generators to be fun or rewarding but like. i suppose i could learn to do it if i wanted to. that wouldnt magically give me clients, though. i wouldnt get some kind of magical leg up by turning to ai. itd just be a different way to make art, one i just dont find fun, which is the only reason i stick to digital drawing. its what i love, even if its painful and i cant do it all the time. i dont resent ppl who love smth else tho?

its baffling to me how sour grapes ppl are abt other artists finding ways to continue creating just bc they perceive it as easier or smth. even if it was easier (its not, actually try using one of those programs sometime to get a specific image you want and come back and tell me how easy it is), like. i do digital art bc its easier for me than traditional art. with my aphantasia i cant just draw an image, i have to trial and error it out with a lot of ctrl+z and resizing and warping and canvas flipping i cant do with pencil and paper. that doesnt make it less valid than traditional art? its just a different way of creating. for me to create the exact same image with traditional media would take hundreds or thousands of hours with lightboxes, tracing paper, redrawing an image so many times it might as well be animation bc i get so much wrong the first dozen times i draw it, like. the editing process to make it look the way i want would be insane. i could do it, given the time and resources, but why should i, unless i find that fun? bc suffering builds character or smth? what are you catholic?

[mtsainthelens]

saw the new hunger games

spoilers under cut

that was pretty bad. there were a lot of things wrong with it so i theoretically have a lot to complain about but it was such a dumb fucking movie im not as energized as id usually be to talk about it. ill be quick

this movie had all the elements it needed to succeed and totally fucked it. the goals:

-create a convincing and interesting backstory for President Snow

-show how the games were transformed into a spectacle 

these goals were made explicit both in the marketing and through diegetic speeches within the movie. the premise of the story is that a young Snow serves as a mentor to a singer from district 12. she is the “songbird” to his “snake”…. pretty natural evolution from there to see how snow can make her into a celebrity and give Panem a good show. that had to have been the pitch to get this movie through the board. it’s a shame the movie just… does not follow through with it LOL. like thats blatantly the direction it seems to be going in for the first part of the movie. but the spectacle aspect gets completely buried because the capitol - who INSTRUCTED snow to make it into a show - keeps snubbing him and keeping him from acting. the “press tour” that was such a big deal in all the original hunger games is like two days in universe and about five minutes on the screen. completely overshadowed. there’s no camp or glamour. snow is just not a stunt queen here and i think that’s a shame. 

ok, so if the movie doesnt really show how the hunger games became a spectacle, what does it show?

i really couldn’t tell you. the games themselves are uneventful. the tenth annual games are set in what’s basically a parking garage, LOL. it’s a very dismal and marvel-esque set. there’s a real sense in this movie that the capital is still finding its stride and that a lot of things aren’t working for it just yet. the failing drones and the awkwardness of the announcer (this version’s caesar flickman) are nice touches, i really enjoyed them. but i dont think “the capitol is still finding its footing” is a good enough excuse to justify how shitty this year’s game was. excruciatingly boring, like they have no concept of history or the standard that the previous movies set. we all remember the clockwork arena.

so it’s not about the games, so i guess it’s about snow and his tribute lucy? 

well that sucks! they’re horrible characters, my god.

lucy is the worst offender. i know rachel zegler was a victim of conservative harassment recently so i feel a little bad to be trashing her performance. i genuinely dont know if its the fault of her or the script, but whatever it is, the effect is awful. genuinely reads like a parody of a wattpad protagonist. we are given that she is a singer. there is no substance to her besides that. she’s corny. she feels out of place in this setting and not in any charming way, its just annoying and off putting. kind of a manic pixie dream girl to snow. i think its very misogynist honestly? dont write women this way, she’s barely human.

snow is easier to watch and a more likable personality in my eyes, but he’s no better written. whereas lucy has no internal world, the inner workings of snow’s mind fold in on themselves. the movie swears that his motives make sense, that they aren’t confused, but they very obviously are. his allegiances and morals change on a dime. they cant decide whether hes sympathetic or if he is a young president snow and he can seemingly only be one at a time. i honestly got whiplash watching it go down. in fairness, its not like the movie doesnt try to offer motivation for the switches. theyre just not very good or convincing and its not enough to make me forgive them.

so the movie failed at what it set out to do. what else did it fail at? what did it actually do well? i will leave the rest of this review to explain, as well as some changes that i would have made had i been in charge.

the bad:

-pacing was off. movie did not need to be that long, many shots went on longer than they had to.

-costuming was also pretty bad. some of the tributes were wearing shein and fake jewelry 

-lucy escapes the arena not only alive but UNINJURED? peeta and katniss didnt get that. she was surrounded by rebar and murder and snow walked away w more injuries than her. insane plot armor. really dumb.

-there was a human zoo in this movie. in general im really conflicted about this “aracial” Panem. i know its a difficult subject to breach and im not sure what the alternative would be, but there’s something really fucked up about seeing a human zoo, a black child being hung, many of the tributes being people of color, and all of this being brushed over as if their race doesnt really matter and theres no larger historical context in which this movie exists. also this movie is loosely set in the 50s/60s. likewise making the Gamemaster a black woman. im not sure how i feel about it but i think more care shouldve been devoted to the handling of race in this movie.

-there are a couple scenes where an old analog tv is playing and its really obvious they added the scan lines in post-production. looks stupid as fuck. you couldve just used an actual analog tv.

-the rabies scene. lmfao. also i dont think thats how rat poison works but i could be wrong.

-a lot of the action sequences are very dumb and dont make sense. they build suspense and dont do anything to overcome it gracefully. this is really obvious when snow is trying to get his handkerchief into the snake pit without being seen and so he just…. walks over and does it LOL. and doesnt get caught or have to sneak really cause of plot armor. the arena has a lot of kids wandering around or hiding in places where it makes no sense for them to be, they kinda just wander on screen when its time for their cue and only get killed as needed, because someone else got their cue. no gravity or substance.

-lucy and snow’s performances arent just bad, they come across as anachronistic within the retrofuturist 50s setting. as my friend said they have “tiktok face”. theyre too contemporary for my taste

-snow looks like a skinhead towards the end and i dont like it

-arena sucked

-the hanging tree scene was soooo stupid. so was the katniss namedrop. made me wish i was watching a better movie.

-the movie didnt deserve to go on long diegetic speeches about its own themes. i guess im glad, cause i wouldnt have known what the fuck it was trying to do otherwise, but nothing that happened in the story supported what they were saying. sloppy.

the good:

-lucy’s dress was very pretty

-huge credit to the set designers who worked on the control room and the capitol. i see the retro futurist aesthetic you were going for and i appreciate it. mostly a good job, im sure if they let you into the arena you would’ve gave us something better.

-hunter schafer really sold it. i loved her performance even with what little screentime she had. brought some much needed warmth and humanity to this empty ass movie. my favorite character, easily. release the schafer cut.

-like i said, i thought the announcer’s performance was pretty good as well. i feel like jason schwartzman had a better understanding of the theme of “spectacle” within this movie than anyone else.

-i guess the lab was cool? the snakes definitely paled in comparison to other mutts in the series, but they were cool enough. i liked the scene where his classmate got poisoned.

-peter dinklage constantly sneaking hits of morphine was funny as fuck. 

changes:

if you asked me the one thing i would change to fix this movie, it would be any traces of the romance subplot. remove any traces of snow being a nice person. i would have preferred the mentor/tribute relationship to be shown as explicitly and inherently exploitative, because it is! you know damn well there was never any hope for them to be in a healthy relationship for as long as snow was loyal to the capitol. and the writers valued this relationship so much that to save it, they had snow rebel? president snow? the love story, the conflict that snow feels, its all so fucking trite and overblown. it didnt need to be there. just portray it straightforwardly, with snow being a charming person but never kind or counterculture enough to really risk lacy over the system. he should have been eviler and more clearly identifiable as his older self, because this version does not cut it. i hate a fake sympathetic bitch

-lacy shouldnt have won. doesnt that ruin the continuity established by the past books? just kill her in the arena. that had to have been in the drafts right? everything that happened after the arena was really convoluted and stupid and failing. lucy dies, wow so sad, i hate when girls die, but i sure did learn about show biz. that was my president snow impression, if you couldnt tell. that was from a better version of this movie.

-it wouldve been cool if instead of lucy being essentially a tiktoker, she had the personality of an early hollywood icon. kind of a judy garland figure. wouldve fit into the setting better and been more original as a concept.

ok end review! guess that wasnt very quick after all whoops.

[10000-paper-nohara-rins]

long and detailed ramblings about rin's character under the cut <3

rin is flatter than almost any other character in naruto- an impressive feat, considering how badly kishimoto hates woman. i'm not saying that everyone else was written better than rin- all things considered, the complete lack of attention focused on her means that she's probably one of the more consistent characters. no, the flatness arises from a general lack of anything interesting about her presented in an easy to understand or. um. intentional way.

fandoms take the traits that characters display and explore and expand upon them- when a character or concept is interesting but poorly executed in canon, it will often receive a large amount of attention dedicated towards giving it its due.

when a girl has no real personality to speak of and exists pretty much just to die and make two others guys sad- well, that doesn't lay a very good base to explore! it's no wonder rin is an incredibly overlooked character.  

not me tho. id never overlook my girl. this is because i am a little bjt insane and also rabid about her. take my hand. let's explore the deep rabbit hole ive been silently digging for half a year now. there's nuance to her character i prommy- let me show you it.

disclaimer before we begin: i'm aware that the amount of character depth i can extrapolate from rin was not intentionally written in. i mean, like, that's not gonna stop me or anything. but im aware of it. some of the things here have little to no canon basis- i cobbled my rin characterization together with dramatic irony, copious amounts of masks, and spite. i do think that viewing rin like this adds flavor to the canon story, though, so maybe keep that in mind?

the first, central headcanon that influences pretty much everything about rin (to me) is that she hates the idea of being misinterpreted in life or in death. despite that, she wears masks built of what people expect her to be, and makes no effort to remove them and build real connections. and then she gets mad when no one really knows her. she contains multitudes.

this also adds a delicious twist to canon- from rin's pov, obito's great fault is not the murders, the betrayals, or the longing for a perfect world; its him mis-remembering her so BADLY that he somehow mischaracterized the mask she was wearing. my guy.

part of the reason rin wears masks is because she is unsure of who she is and what she wants, and she views that as a personal failure. she has made the logical fallacy, of course, that she has an immutable "true self" who she has managed to lose. she's also 12 and living in kill people repress your emotions city, so i guess we can give her a pass on that. the real important thing to understand here is that rin views any presentation of herself that is not her "true self" (smth that doesnt exist) as equally false. therefore, she assumes that it is easier to continue on with the mask she is already wearing than switch it out for smth just as bad. she does not know that the self is something cobbled together over a lifetime of stealing thoughts, feelings and mannerisms from other people and mixing it with your experiences and innate personality. she paints her cheeks purple because her father does, and he does it because his father did, who did it because his mother did, and on and on, but she cannot comprehend that the laugh she learned from him is just as unique. lmao

another thing about personhood: kakashi and obito, from an outside view, seem very put together. they have goals, for heaven's sake, they must know what they're doing! rin doesn't have a crush on kakashi- she admires him because he looks like he's got his life figured out! (when you start thinking kakashi's put together, you know something's wrong.)

the thing about rin's relationship with the rest of her team is that it's very one-sided. rin is obito's best friend- obito is not rin's best friend. the team spirit and unity that konoha tries to impress on them is lost on rin because she interacts with them like she's on an infiltration mission, and then gets mad that they don't know the "real" her, gets sad that she doesn't know the "real" her, and then puts on more masks to make sure no one notices, and the cycle repeats. the rest of team minato is fooled into thinking that they are close with her, and rin drifts further and further away. we see this when obito "dies-" she almost unaffected by it. now, it's probably portrayed like that as to not take away from kakashi's reaction, but it feeds nicely into my interpretation that she just… doesn't really care.

after obito dies and kakashi starts falling apart, i do think he and rin get a bit closer. he's obviously not in a great mental state to be worrying over her in any manner except physical safety, but he does wonder when her smile stretches a bit too thin and brittle. he never knows rin- not by her definition- but i think sometimes he gets to see her without any masks on: a limp doll who's tired of pretending at humanity.

last point on rin's mental state before we move onto the totally-there-and-real symbolism aspects of her character: she has a very, very apathetic attitude towards death that's only exacerbated by the fact that she's not really close to anyone. she's not exactly suicidal, but she wouldn't care if she died. she's not jumping at the bit to sacrifice herself- that apathy means she doesn't really care if anyone else dies, either. she holds on until she can't hold on anymore, and then she drops it like a hot potato. rin voice: wait if there's an afterlife why are we scared of dying. and then no one ever explained it to her so she never unlocked her fear of death.

ok! symbolism time! i, personally, am a huge proponent of moth/astronaut/icarus rin. there's a few threads that weave into that tapestry, so stick with me while we make our way through em.

first: remember what i said earlier, about rin hating obito for mis-remembering her rather than the whole infinite tsukuyomi gig? well, part of that is because she just really hates being misinterpreted, but the other part is that she wouldn't think infinite tsukuyomi was bad at all! remember, rin is very… nihilistic, and already has a tenuous relationship with consequences- she wouldn't see the problem with fixing things with an illusion. this slots into the moth interpretation- she's chasing the moon! 

second, there's the whole chidori thing. idk if you guys remember it, its only the most defining moment of rin's entire character in canon. the chidori looks like the sun. icarus. do you catch my drift

the rest of the points towards this symbolism are more vague and tend to lean more towards like. obscure references to the challenger crash and a reliance on my insistence that moths and icarus and astronauts ARE basically the same thing, thank you very much, but i think i've said enough to get my point across.

there's more i could say- we could explore aus where rin lives to adulthood, and how she would grow and develop, or we could dive into the fascinating relationship she has with minato and being a mednin, or how she and sasuke are 2 flavors of the same guy, but this post is already stupid long, so i'll save that for another time. just know that rin is the coolest girly ever. and she deserves to kill.

[lockedtowers]

me, realizing i was gon follow a few ppl but i dont have my verses or anything rly up yet: …. so anYWAYS

some fun things bc im not gonna be on a comp until tomorrow then ill only be here mon wednes and surprisingly fri/sat next week, maybe some lil funzies mostly abt cassie bc shes my baby

obvi (if u kno me if not welcome im brina my brain doesnt work) i have multiple verses im just dumb and havent posted them, i gotta rewrite a lot of them to be shorter too bc i give full character backstories for everything as it develops and ik most ppl dont wanna read that so it takes longer for me to do things bc im ‘tistic and short quick explanations is not my fortay. main doodads tho: 1, 3-7 are fantasy worlds specifically, 2 is overall in any world, 8 onwards is purely human verses

generally with other fantasy worlds, i’ll have it where cassie ended up in your universe. Whilst my Wonde/rland is largely built off my own thoughts and things now, and various points of lore, the 2009 S/yfy A/lice was a base for it. A/merican M/cgee’s Alice is the base inspo for Cassie’s cheshire cat, but she’s also her own thing. (fun fact: originally i was writing her as the d/ormouse from b/urtons wonderl/and, but as she grew further from that canon w my never writing in that universe, she became my own character ultimately and holds few similarities to her origin now, including species! but her twin brother is still ‘proper’ dormo/use, yes it makes sense, its more a title than a species in this world)

Cassie is… moldable, mentally, to say the least. When someone finds her in whatever world she ends up in, whether its a fantasy world or not (as she ofc just lives wherever in non fantasy aus) she.. tends to be easier to manipulate because she will get attached to people just for being nice to her. she isn’t used to it. it’s rare for there to be a universe where this isn’t an issue for her (also of note bc dual muse blog: willys the manipulator, and shes the manipulatee) honestly she’s morally grey anyways and doesn’t really understand morality as a whole, so if shes found by a villain and they just.. treat her like a person, she will get attached. and cassie being attached can be dangerous, not just for others, but for herself, because she’s loyal to a fault. if she makes friends w multiple ppl and they fight, she wont know what to do because she just can’t bring herself to believe either person is wrong. it’s also of note that in most fantasy verses, she’d been locked up, abandoned in a cell, for years. She doesnt tend to talk and, despite trying to push a tough and uncaring act, she’s still scared. she’s still traumatized. a lot of the time she wont even talk. this is the everything tab also so be aware she has a scar over her right eye, and her right eye is a silvery blue verses her normal blue eye. she’s also pretty much blind in her right eye, but the color is due to heterochromia. her twin brother has one blue and one green.

she is very noticeably neurodivergent when you talk to her, and as many fellow a/utistics point out, cats tend to have similar personalities to us anyways (ive seen a many point out that if you can handle a cats support needs you can handle ours lol). usually shes fixated on something, but she’ll also use trickery of the tongue to get out of things when need be. she’ll unintentionally speak in riddles that make perfect sense to her, but others feel a need to solve. however in most universes where she ends up there, i do it post her escaping after the prince of he/arts (who kept her captive for years) overthrows his mother. She ultimately traverses due to remaining look/ing glasses from before the land was taken by the Hearts. Meaning she cannot get back on her own. But, she also does not want to.

It’s very important for the author to be aware that she cannot tell a lie. Muses not understanding is fine, because how would they know when cassie doesn’t know her own heritage in most verses (o/uat is currently pmuch the only fantasy verse where she was raised by her parents, making her aware shes the princess of spades, and aware shes a witch, but still unaware that the reason she cant lie is because shes a fae halfling) Cassie is a Fae Halfling, and fae/witch hybrid. The Fae half itself is a hybrid of Seelie and Unseelie like her father. I use pieces of real lore and pieces of my own here, but it doesnt really come up in writing much anyways. but she cannot lie to anyone, it physically tears into her flesh the moment words leave her lips. the only thing she can do is use trickery words to mis-explain, and even then it can titter the line.

Her cheshire invisibility comes from shapeshifting to match her surroundings, but beyond that she mostly can just change her hair color, slightly change her face for short periods of time, or as most often used and the longest shes capable of holding, turning into a silver blue cat.

fae wise her powers are largely elemental, water focused, and she doesnt know how it works. the faerie power she has most control over involves her own blood, which she can turn into crystalized weapons when shes bleeding. most often she’ll be using her witch abilities. in some aus, your character may see she has strange looking bands on her wrists and locked into place, meant to look like bracelets but unable to be removed. They’re power blockers placed on her by the prince of h/earts to ensure she couldn’t break out again. they keep her from using her powers, from healing, and otherwise.

her makeup made her an omen to the remaining fae of wo/nderland, which there arent many left there. they wanted to slaughter her father as well, but never managed to make it as he was too brutally powerful for them, either. The Fae had believed a seelie/unseelie hybrid, let alone a fae/witch hybrid, would bring death upon the whole of their kind. Ironically… Cassie’s technically a necromancer, and can give part of herself to bring others back to life permanently, or use weaker magic to bring them back temporarily. As such, when she dies, she tends to always come back, and oft with more power than before, and even less self control. She’s also the only reason her twin brother is still alive, but he wont admit to that.

purely human verses, she still doesn’t lie, but it largely relates more to the a/utism than anything else. she doesn’t like to lie in the first place, but has little qualms about confusing others when they get confused by her speaking normally. she doesn’t see a point in fixing that, especially when she can simply say a confusing, convoluted version of the truth to get out of actually admitting anything.

usually, because when i first wrote her a few years ago i actually combined her and this canon iteration (as shes basically what cassie would become if pushed fully to the limit) whos name i took, i’ll have her be the adopted daughter (and bio relative) of A/lcina D/imitrescu, with her sharing that name. Meaning she’s in her family’s wine business. She’s much more distrusting of men, between nearly being killed by one after watching him kill most of her family, kidnapped by him for blackmail until she found a way out, and her mother (alcina’s) own severe hatred of them. but still, honestly, if you’re nice to her she’s probably gonna get confused and fall for it.

theres also verses w @mastermiinded where shes E/llington F/eints daughter, thats probably the most normal cassie you’ll ever get if you want those but also she has a mom who loves her and was raised in a universe heavily involving a cult. she’s kind of bitchier tbh LOL

funnily enough, she is still always ready to attack at any given moment.

she knows a lot of knife tricks, and many would argue she likely belongs in a circus of some sort. she doesn’t like that argument, but she does know how to do multiple knife tricks, swallow swords, and do various slight of hand tricks. all while being blind in her right eye.

put in a multitude of self defense training, and for a brief time was even made her mothers bodyguard, she knows how to fight and she knows how to kill. whether or not she wants to is its own debacle.

if someone is out to get her and sb else tries to help, shes not gonna be cool w it bc she doesnt want others risking themselves for her, and it makes her feel like shes been kidnapped and locked up all over again.

[misc-merde]

boy does it ever just hit you how fucked up you are in ways that you probably will be for the rest of your life and that this isnt what it is for everyone that some people are actually emotionally stable and all that jazz but your life has been shit not in any big dramatic way thats obviously traumatizing but there have been so many little things that just chipped away at you all through your childhood and have left you more broken than you feel like they should have

bc thats a fun thing to just hit you

[marunalu]

Friendly reminder why bakugous "apologie" sucked and is NOT good. Because it was 85% self-justification (why he did it), 14% victim blaiming izuku (because bk misinterpretet izukus personality and actions) and 1% "sorry for everthing I have done so far" (very vague for someone who normally cant shut the fuck up and always says what is on his mind!)

Just for the record, an apologie, one that comes from the heart and you REALLY mean should not be about YOUR motives and YOUR feelings, WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU DID! The only thing that matters are the feelings of the person YOU hurt with YOUR words and actions. In not one word did bk EVER mention the pain and suffering izuku went through because of him! Not once! Instead he layed the blame on izuku, for HIM thinking izuku was looking down on HIM (a completly ridiculus claim by itself). By doing that he makes it sound like as if izuku is also partly fault for their fucked up relationship, something that isnt true one bit!

Explaining to your victim why you did what you did, espicially if other people are listening, who have no fucking clue what exactly happened between you two, just serves to get sympathy points from both sides, so people will forgive you easier and give you a pass (so pretty much what 90% of the fandom is doing, because bk is their baby boy who never did anything wrong in his life. Everyone else is at fault here, okay!).

The last part, "sorry for everthing I have done so far", is not there to make izuku feel better. Bakugou said it to make HIMSELF feel better! It was something that he was carring with him for a while and he wanted this feeling to go away and be DONE with! And for that he choose a moment, when izuku was neither physically nor psychically able to handle or react to what bk said to him. Till now izuku has said NOTHING to bk about the apologie. He neither accepted it, nor did he not accept it. The apologie was something bk wanted and needed, to make HIMSELF feel better, izukus feelings had nothing to do with it. Otherwise he would have at least say a few words about izukus pain and suffering he had to endure for OVER 10 years, bakugou is a big part responsible for!

And the fact that izuku is STILL calling himself "worthless" and "shitty nerd", (exactly THE insults bk used to call him as) should actually be a big hint to readers, that he HASNT overcome his trauma and the abuse and what bk did to him over a decade is still deeply burned in his heart and soul! But yeah people, keep shipping this disgusting dogshit and thinking to romantice such abusive relationships is hot shit!

An other reminder, izuku asked bk NOT to call him hy his first name in the most polite way possible. In japan only the people you are very close with, call you by your first name, everything else is considered as extremly disrespectful. If you call someone else by his first name, but that person doesnt want that, he/she will tell you to stop. The fact that izuku told bk not to do it, with a very uncomfortable expression on his face should tell everyone enough honestly!

In the end bk said it the best: "nothing will change between us!" Bk never was izukus friend and its not something he drives to become.

So to everyone who happens to read this, here is a well meant hint. The next time you have to apologie to someone you hurt, make sure it comes from a "I want that person I hurt to feel better" place and not from a "I want to be able to sleep at night again" place.

[crowned-peony]

Flowers don't last forever

Word count: 748

Tw: Angst, no comfort.

Not beta read.

Hawks realizes too late that all he loves can be lost if not cared for.

Hawks didn’t realize just how long he had been gone from home until he saw the dead flowers on the table. He swore he just bought them a few days ago for your anniversary when he realized that was a month ago. He hasn't been home for a month. The commission has been having him go on more missions and taking up extra patrols that time just blurred together. He tries to remember when he last called you, when he last hugged you and all he can think of is him having to turn off his phone cause it constantly goes off with your messages and everyone else trying to get a hold of him that he felt easier to keep it off. He calls out for you and gets no response. The house is too quiet and just feels wrong. You should have answered him by now or come to welcome him home and hug him. He doesnt smell your cooking. Your music isn't filling the house. He doesn't hear your shows in the living room either. The house is silent. A deafening silent one he hasnt heard in years. The type of silence he hasnt had to think about since you moved in. He doesn't hear your heartbeat. He asks when was the last time that he actually heard it or thought about it?  He runs straight to the bedroom and is frozen by the door. Your side of the bedroom was empty. The posters of first movie dates were gone, your bookcase was missing, the closet door was open and half of it was empty. The selfies that he printed out of you both were gone. The dresser he bought you was there but nothing of yours was. The drawers were half open and the top was just covered in dust. The bed was made but the stuffed animals you loved were missing. He could feel tears rolling down and it was heartbreaking looking around and seeing that it was if you were never there. He can't breathe and just everything feels wrong. He makes it back to the couch and starts sobbing. The pain that he feels now he's never felt before. The cold reality sinks in. Your gone. You aren't coming back. He feels that the world is collapsing and nothing he can do to stop it. He cries more and eventually feels so numb. Empty. Hollow. Alone. He is alone again and this time its his own fault. He should have talked to you more. He should have answered every call. He should have done more. How can so many should haves just scream in his head. How could he just have let you go. How could he say he loves you and just neglect you for a month. He should have fought to get less missions. He should have let the sidekick cover more for him. He wanted to prove that he could do it, that he was the only one that could do it but in the process he lost everything. He can't bring himself to read the note you left or even look at the feather that laid on the table. If he doesn't he thinks that you might come back. That any day you will walk back into his life and it will be just like it was. He wakes up and goes to bed crying. He's exhausted from staying up late and the dreams that haunt him. They are always filled with you. His dreams are nothing but memories of the both of you. He buys new flowers everyday. It's his punishment for not getting them for you when he could have. He starts his day later and comes home earlier in the hopes that you would be there but you never are and every day he asks the universe with tears and voice raw from screaming to take him back to that day he answered the phone and agreed to double shift. The day that he sealed his fate. The day that he wished he knew would be the start of the end. He takes a feather from his wings and puts it in a box on your side of bed. He hopes that one day he can give you them all. The feathers that should be around your neck close to your heart so he could know you're safe. Now just like his heart will forever be locked away for they were only for you. 

[slasher-trasher]

Hi!!!👋 again

Could you please do a head canon where the reader has superpowers like Deadpool (Just without the scars)

🌸Also I really liked the sims one. I was so happy when I saw it. Thank you!!!🌸

A/N: sorry this took a bit longer, and thank you so much for loving the sims one it makes me so happy 💕 can i call you flower anon... also i wasn't sure if you wanted a female reader or not so its GN but it can easily be female or male reader, no pronouns are really used, alos one more thing, im going off of google for what powers he has so dont quote me on any of this T^T

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Slashers x GN! Reader who has powers like deadpool!!!

Warnings: bl00d, murd3r, d3@th, @bu$e?

Michael Myers:

-So he was shocked to say the least, when you were cooking and accidently cut yourself, you didn't really react, it just healed its self

-he thought he was hallucinating

-You also never seem to age, at all, he on the other hand was,

-you always look the same,

-when you guys were "asleep" you teleported to the kitchen for a midnight snack, he turned around and boom! you were gone!

-you lost something under the couch the next day and boom! all of a sudden you picked it up with ease, grabbing the item you lost and acted like nothing was wrong

-he will force you to help him in murdering people, or else....

He nudged you, you turned around to feel a knife go right through you stomach.

"oww.. michael what the hell" you said falling to the floor, before healing yourself

"It still hurts you shithead" you cursed punching him in the shoulder, making him fall

Jason Voorhees:

-he adores you for it, but he is slightly scared of you, only a bit tho

-he would see you get little cuts and be amazed how you were fine

-hes glad you're immortal, that means he doesn't need to lose you, since, he techincally lives forever??? He is dead so...

"Jason... let them help protect camp crystal lake with you" his mother whisphered in his ear, he thought about it, he wouldn't want to purpousfully put you in harms way, but if you voluntered then he would let you, you're able to take care of yourself

Freddy Krueger:

-he loves you for it,

-immediatly makes you help him kill

-he doesnt care if you get hurt, you can help yourself,

-he still thinks hes better

"Hey its only a little scratch" he said in defense

"FREDDY KRUEGER THEY STABBED ME"

"okay okay... fine... you can make youreself feels better" he says crossing his arms

"well i can... but spare me some smypathy, it was your fault!" you retorted.

Bo Sinclair:

-he would make you work on not only killing, or convincing victims to go to Vincent, but he makes you work on cars

-he would do these little things to wtach you heal yourself

-he's jealous you don't age, and that you look nice everyday, he will always be envious

"hey! can you help me with this car" he asked "i need ya' to pick it up"

you rolled your eyes knowing he just wanted to admire you for your powers. you walked ver easily picking up the car. you stood there for a good 3 minutes before he finally did something other than staring at you.

Vincent Sinclair:

-he would love seeing you in action!

-of course he'd never actually try and make you help with victims or anything

-he would still be hesitant when you volunteer, even thought you are capable he'd be worried you would get hurt

-Bo insits on you helping

"Come on there teleportation skills could get you the victims easier" Bo said raising an eyebrow, he nodded in agreement,

"speaking of the devil" he said turning around to you, who just teleported there

"So i can help!" you said excitedly

"go ahead" he said smirking, vincent just wants you to be careful

Lester Sinclair:

-he would love it, but then again, not really care

-he wont ask for your help unlike the others, he wouldn't care really

-he'd also be somewhat proud of you, he has a strong s/o!

-he shows you off,

"see look, they can take care of themselves, ha!" he said bragging to his brothers again, vincent was happy someone loved him, bo was jealous

"does it look like i care dipshit" he said glaring at him

"Hey! don't be jealous i never age" you said teleporting, Bo almost killed you that day... if he could

Brahms Heelshire:

-he would expect this from you, he has unrealistic expectations

-you better be able to get to him whenever he wanted,

-even though you said you didn't want to show off, he doesn't care,

-he somewhat didn't like it cause it made you special... meaning Malcom all over you....

Brhams held you tightly, hissing at Malcom. Malcom was scared to say the least.

"Th-They;re just re-really cool thats all" he said nervously, slowly backing away, "it's not something you see everyday.."

Brahms went to grab something, most likely to hurt him, but Malcom ran away.

"Brahms he was just complementing me chill" you said

"no" he said in his child voice