#nobody asked ME how i felt about never being able to see my parents because they have to take care of her bullshit

[midwesternorcprincess]

fun side effect of being raised protestant but not seriously is that as a Germanicist i get to experience a lot of new testament stuff for the first time in Middle High German or in Gothic or some shit lol. weird how little protestants (in my experience) bother with that even though it seems like it should be like, spiritually or ideologically important to them. instead all they talked about was the same old testament greatest hits over and over and over. garden of eden, exodus, noah's ark. yeah yeah yeah, i've heard it all, got any new stories, thought 5 yr old me

so there are a lot of new testament stories i've heard ABOUT but didn't really know what was in them until i had to read and translate them from Gothic. i gotta say the parable of the prodigal son really got to me and in completely the opposite way than it was supposed to l o l. i got way too worked up about this and i think it may have made me grumpy this week. as the responsible elder sibling of a reckless wastrel younger sibling, i have to say the prodigal son's elder brother is RIGHT and he should say it. why SHOULD his idiot sibling get a prize for his dumbass decisions, while the good sibling gets nothing

[once-upon-an-imagine]

Scars To Your Beautiful - James Potter

A/N: I have no idea how I was able to finish this xD thank you @captainlunaxmen for all your help! I hope yo loves like this :)

Request - @nix-rose asked: What about a James Potter x Black!Reader (if reader can have some personality: extrovert, loyal, gryffindor but could probably be a slytherin, just a happy person, definitely rough and tumble but still enjoys looking cute-) “Have you… Always been this beautiful?” “…That’s so cheesy even for your standards.”

Warnings: reader is really insecure, mentions of abusive parents, James protecting you from a creep (nothing to explicit though) also, this isn't proofread :D

Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter :) gif isn’t mine :D  

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

Scars To Your Beautiful

But there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark You should know you're beautiful just the way you are And you don't have to change a thing, The world could change its heart No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful

The ‘other Black’. That's how you were known in Hogwarts. 

You knew your family wasn’t perfect. As much as they all like to make it seem that way, it was very much far from it. Being part of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black brought a lot of pressure with it, but you were used to it by now. And, deep down, you loved your family. At least your brothers and your cousins. Well, two of your cousins, you were always pretty terrified of Bellatrix after she enchanted all of hers and her sisters’ ancient creepy dolls to come alive and it still terrified you to your very core today. But you loved Andromeda and Narcissa, even if the latter was now spending all of her time with Lucius Malfoy and you saw less and less of her. 

Even if you’d never admit it, you were always a bit envious of them. Not in a bad way, you just… wondered a little how it would feel to be like them. You remembered guys literally fighting to get your cousins’ attention. And not a day went by without you having to hear at least ten different people saying how gorgeous your brothers were. 

And then, there was you. You had a respectable reputation since you were part of the Black family. But it sometimes felt like you weren’t worthy enough to be part of it. You’ve sometimes noticed some guys staring at you a bit too long. And you’ve gone out with a few guys before. But you’ve also had people come to you specifically to get closer to one of your relatives. And nobody had referred to you as beautiful. Well, no one, except…

“Hey, beautiful” you heard that very familiar voice standing next to you. 

“Potter” you smirked. 

“Going to the match today?” 

“The Slytherin-Gryffindor match?” you smiled. “Oh, I wouldn’t miss it for the world” you told him. 

“Good, cause I need my good luck charm” he said as the two of you walked to the Great Hall. 

“Exactly, how does that work, Potter? Because I’m not really rooting for your team” you reminded him and he scoffed, pretending to be offended. 

“But of course you are, your brother plays on my team-”

“My other brother plays for my team” you interrupted. 

“Well, maybe not the team but… I’m sure you like the Gryffindor captain more than Slytherin’s” he smiled sweetly at you. 

“Well, you got me there, Potter” you admitted. 

“Promise you’ll come to the party when we win?” he asked as you entered the Great Hall and you knew you would separate. 

“That’s a lot of talk, Potter” you smirked but he offered his pinky to you. You rolled your eyes but you took it. “Never speak of this” you told him.

“See you there, beautiful” he said before he saw you walk to your table. 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

“Here” you said, sitting down next to your brother at Potions and handing him a small bag. 

“What’s this?” he asked, grabbing the bag. 

“That girl from Ravenclaw wanted me to give you this. I think she wants to ask you to Hogsmeade next weekend” you said, grabbing one of the chocolates inside. “Bite this, if it doesn’t have a love potion, I’m stealing them” you said.

“I’m not trying anything!” he complained. “Remember when we had to take care of Sirius after that girl from Hufflepuff basically drugged him?”

“I know, that’s why I wanted you to try them first” you chuckled. 

“Hold on” he said, grabbing his wand and pointing it at the candy. “We’re good” he said when a small purple dust came out of it. You grabbed one of the chocolates and Regulus grabbed another one, reading the note inside. “So, how was your talk with Potter this morning?” 

“I didn't talk to Potter this morning” you frowned, stealing some of his chocolates. 

“Don’t do that. I’m not Sirius” Regulus glared at you. “I’m not oblivious of how you two just casually entered the Great Hall together” he said. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Reggie” you said, pretending to be confused. 

“Or whenever he goes to Honeydukes he just happens to buy one too many Peppermint Toads so he gives you some, which just so happens to be your favorite” he said.

“He doesn’t… do that” you said, with your mouth half full of chocolate. 

“Are you… playing dumb? Or have you actually not noticed this?”

“Notice what? James is just friendly. That’s how he is” you tried to explain. 

“Really? He’s never gotten me Sugar Quills” Regulus said. 

“He doesn’t like Sugar Quills, why would he buy those?” 

“He doesn’t like Peppermint Toads either” he smirked. 

“Y-yes he does!” you argued, nervously. 

“No, he likes Chocolate Frogs, like the rest of us normal people” he said, as you glared at him. “And besides, it’s not just that. He’s always asking Sirius and me what your favorite books are, or asking Remus which songs you liked” he shrugged. 

“He… he does?”

“Does he really strike you as the guy who would read Pride and Prejudice for the fun of it?” 

“He might” you tried to convince yourself as you grabbed another chocolate. 

“Look, I know what you’re doing, and I know why you’re doing it. And it’s not worth it, bug” he said, getting serious. 

“It’s easy for you to say, Reg” you mumbled, picking another chocolate. “Look, it’s just… not that easy for me” you added. 

“You’ve gone out with guys before” he frowned, confused. 

“Not like James” you added. “What if… what if he’s really just being friendly? What if I think he’s interested in me and then I make a complete fool of myself? Just because he’s nice to me and I think there might be something else there? I feel…” you sighed, looking down at your hands. “It feels pathetic” you mumbled. 

“First of all, there’s nothing wrong with you liking James. Having feelings doesn’t make you pathetic” he said in a serious tone. “Secondly, did you not listen to what I just said? I honestly don’t think that James is just nice to you randomly like he’s nice to everyone else. He’s always looking for excuses to be around you, and he seems happier when he is. As do you. And, to be honest, I thought you were as oblivious about this as Sirius is, but now that I know that you were just trying to live in denial well, you’re dumber than Sirius- OUCH!”

“Excuse me?!” you asked, offended. 

“Only when it comes to this” he defended himself. “Look, I know that… for some reason, you’ve convinced yourself that you’re never going to find someone who fancies you-”

“For some reason? There is a very clear reason, Regulus, her name is Walburga!” 

“I know” he rolled his eyes. He knew very well about the hierarchy of the three of you in your home. And even if you were still not as below as Sirius because you were in Slytherin, your mother never let you forget that you were not Regulus or any of your cousins for that matter. “And I know that is not easy for you to turn off her voice in your head but, if you don’t, you might miss your chance to be with someone who is actually a great fit for you and it looks like he really likes you” he explained. “Don’t do that. If you let her win, you’re admitting that she’s right. And we all know, she’s not” he reminded you. “What’s the worst that could happen if you give Potter a chance?” 

“It’s very annoying when you’re right all the time, did you know that?”

“I do” he smiled triumphally, eating one last piece of chocolate as Professor Slughorn finally entered the class. 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

“Ugh, what is it?” you heard your cousin’s annoyed voice on the other side of the door that you knocked on before it opened, and she appeared. “Oh, hey, love” she smiled when she saw it was you.

“Hi, Cissa, um… is this a bad time?” you asked, hoping you were not just interrupting her having sex with Malfoy. 

“Oh, no, love. Lucius is just moping about losing the match” she laughed, stepping out. “What’s up?” 

“Um, w-well, I wanted to ask for a favor… if you’re not too busy” you smiled. 

“Please, anything to get away from Lucius” she said, linking her arm with yours and already walking over to your dorm. “So, what’s going on?” she said, stepping into your dorm and noticing all the clothes scattered around your bed and the floor. 

“Well, I was hoping to get your opinion on something” you said, smiling sweetly. 

“Let me guess” she said, sitting on your bed and grabbing a few skirts and dresses. “You’re going to the Gryffindor party to see James Potter” she said, erasing the smile off your face. 

“Wha-? How did you know? Did Regulus tell you?”

“Oh, please, love, I’m sure you and Sirius are the only ones who didn’t know” she laughed. 

“What?”

“Yeah, Bella and Andy also know” she informed you. 

“What? How?”

“I told them” she shrugged. 

“Ugh, great” you said, throwing yourself on your bed. “My entire family is discussing my pathetic crush” you lamented. 

“It could be worse” she said. “At least he’s a pureblood” she smiled. 

“Right” you said awkardly, sitting up. Of course that would be the only pro she’d find on James. 

“Besides, he obviously likes you back” she said as she started looking through the dresses. “Stand up” she said, pulling you up and putting the dress in front of you. 

“How are you so sure that he likes me back?”

“Oh, please, love. You can’t be that dense” she snorted. “The boy won’t leave you alone. And I’m pretty sure you’re the only one not from Gryffindor to get invited to their parties” she said. “Or at least the only Slytherin” she said. 

“W-well, maybe Sirius invited me-”

“Then why isn’t Regulus going?” 

“Okay, fair” you sighed. 

“This looks pretty. How come you haven’t worn it before?” she asked, holding up a black dress. 

“Oh, I got it a while ago in a very cute shop, but, I know it’s not something my mother would ever let me wear” you told her. 

“Well, lucky for us, your mum isn’t here” she said, throwing the dress at you. 

After you put it on, Narcissa happily sat back down on your bed and helped you with your makeup. 

“Hey, Cissa?”

“Try not to move, I’m doing your eyes” she said. 

“How do you um… get a guy to uh… notice you?” you asked, making your cousin’s look soften a little. 

“James Potter already notices you, love” she smiled. 

“W-well, yeah, I guess b-but, um… how do I let him know that I like him?” you asked. “You know, without actually telling him” you chuckled. 

“You mean, how do you flirt with him?” 

“It’s just… Regulus insists that he does these things to get my attention and… to be honest, I didn’t think it was any different from the way he acts with other girls so… I guess I have been acting normal, but… I’d like him to know that I’m interested, I guess…”

“Well, Potter seems to have a big ego, so congratulate him on how well he played today” she said as she kept doing her makeup and you glared at her a little. 

“And Lucius is as humble as they come, I suppose” you muttered. 

“Fair point” she said, before she continued. “Look, you already know he’s interested in you. Just smile at him, laugh at his stupid jokes, you should be fine” she insisted as she finished. “Okay, I’m done” she smiled. You got up and walked over looking at yourself in the mirror. 

For the first time, in a very long time, you actually felt beautiful. Narcissa had managed to make you look as elegant and flawless as you did whenever your family had a dinner party, but you didn’t feel like you were wearing a costume in one of the dresses your mother always picked. You felt like yourself. You turned around and hugged your cousin tightly. 

“Thank you so much, Cissa!” you smiled. 

“You’re welcome, love. Now go flirt with your dumb boy” she said, ushering you outside your dorm. 

“You too” you said, smiling and walking down the stairs as she rolled her eyes.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

When you entered the Gryffindor Tower, the party was already in full mode. You felt a few people, guys specifically, looking your way but you thought maybe it was because you were possibly the only Slytherin here. You walked across the Common Room, looking for James, but you found a different Marauder first. 

“Hi, Remus” you smiled as he walked over to you. 

“Oh, thank Merlin you’re here” he hugged you. “You’re the only person I like at this party and now Prongs can finally stop moping about you not being here” he said, making you laugh a little as he pulled away and looked at you. “Wow… you look-?”

“Bad?” you panicked.

“What? No! You look lovely” he smiled. “Prongs’ probably gonna have a heart attack though” he smirked. 

“Shut up! Stop saying things like that!” you widened your eyes at him. 

“Oh, please don’t tell me that you are as oblivious as your brother” he chuckled.

“I am not-! You know, I hit Regulus for saying that today!” 

“Alright, don’t hit me” he said, putting his hands up in surrender. “But, you cannot tell me that you haven’t noticed the way Prongs acts around you. He was literally throwing a fit about you not coming today” he insisted. 

“Really? Because he seems fine to me” you said, pointing behind Remus where you saw James talking to a group of very pretty girls as he offered a drink to one of them while another one threw her hair back, clearly flirting with him. 

“That means nothing” Remus said, rolling his eyes when he looked back to you. “That’s how James is-” 

“Exactly, that’s how James is” you repeated. 

“No, it’s different with you” Remus insisted as he grabbed a drink and handed it to you. 

“Really? Enlighten me” you glared at him. 

“So, you are admitting you are as oblivious as Sirius then?” 

“You know, you’re making a big deal out of that for someone who is just as oblivious on my brother’s crush on him-”

“What?!” Remus said, choking on his drink and pulling you aside. “Alright, now you’re just making stuff up” he said. 

“I’m not! You really haven’t noticed how Sirius is obnoxiously loud whenever you’re around to get your attention?”

“He… does not” Remus said, blushing a little. 

“Or that he calls you sweet names” you smirked.

“He calls everyone ‘love’” he interrupted. 

“Yes, he does” you nodded. “But he only calls you ‘my’ love” you added. 

“He… does not” he repeated.

“What are you doing here?” Sirius asked, walking over to the two of you all of the sudden. 

“Nothing” Remus quickly said. 

“Being normal, why?” you said at the same time, making Sirius raise an eyebrow at the two of you. “Um… h-have you seen James?” 

“No, but I am seeing too much of something” he said, gesturing his hand at your body. “What the bloody hell are you wearing?”

“A dress?” you said, looking down at yourself. 

“That is too revealing. You need to go change!”

“First of all, it is not. And secondly, your shirt is literally completely open!” you complained. 

“Yeah, well, this isn’t anything they haven’t seen before” he defended himself. “I am not in the mood to fight some prick that stares at you for a little too long because of… that” he said. “Go upstairs and grab my jacket” he told you.

“What? No!” you complained.

“Yes” he insisted. “Would you reason with her, my love?” he asked, looking at Sirius and you smirked when he blushed furiously. 

“Shut up” he whispered to you. “Look, just go upstairs and pretend to look for a jacket, I’ll distract him and you can come back in a few minutes” he said while Sirius finished his drink. 

“Ugh, fine” you rolled your eyes. 

“How come she only listens to you?” Sirius complained, pouting at Remus. “It must be your beautiful eyes” he smiled.

“How many of those have you had?” Remus asked, taking his glass away from him. 

You made it upstairs to the boys’ dorm and went over to Sirius' trunk to look for one of his jackets.  You found one that you kind of liked and put it on before you went back downstairs. You looked for James but saw he was still talking to the group of girls. You tried to look for your brother instead but saw him very busy with Remus and you didn’t want to interrupt so you went to grab something to drink.

“I didn’t know they let Slytherins into our parties” you heard Augustus McLaggen on your left, pouring himself a drink as well. 

“Oh” you said nervously. You were rarely alone at these things. You would at least have Regulus by your side and he would make someone go away if you were uncomfortable. “W-well, James invited me and- I was with my brother-”

“Relax, darling, I’m joking” he smirked, walking closer to you. 

“Oh” you smiled wearily. 

“It’s actually a bit… refreshing to have someone from another house” he said. 

“Um… thanks?”

“There’s something different about you” he said, eyeing you up and down. “I can’t quite put my finger on it” he said, making you pull your jacket a little closer.

“Hey! You finally came, love” you thankfully heard James’ voice coming towards you and wrapping his arm around your waist. “I thought you were standing me up” he said, kissing your head. 

“J-James, hi” you smiled relieved. 

“Sorry, mate, gotta steal her for a bit” he said, smirking at McLaggen who was glaring at him and he quickly pulled you aside. 

“Thank you” you told him as the two of you walked away.

“Don’t mention it, love. McLaggen’s a prick, why were you talking to him?”

“I wasn’t talking to him! He was talking to me” you insisted as James raised his eyebrow. “I was just getting a drink! And I was gonna go look for you-”

“Are you wearing my jacket?” he asked, confused. 

“Y-your… what?” you said, looking down at your jacket. “This is y-your jacket?” you asked confused. 

“Yeah” he smiled.

“Oh, I’m sorry, it was in Sirius’ trunk” you said, confused. “I thought-”

“Yeah, beautiful. I’m gonna save you some time, probably none of our clothes is in the correct trunk” he laughed. “Except Remus’” he added. 

“I’m sorry” you said, starting to take it off. 

“N-no! Don’t worry about it, gorgeous. Are you cold? Is that why you wanted my jacket? ‘Cause it looks good on you- I mean, you look beautiful tonight” he said smiling at you. “W-well, you always do” he added. 

“R-really?” you smiled, feeling your cheeks blush.

“Yeah” he nodded. “You don’t need the jacket if you ask me-”

“Oh, um, w-well…” you stuttered. “Sirius just… didn’t like my dress and said I needed a jacket” you rolled your eyes.  

“Well, Padfoot just needs to snog Moony and mind his business” he laughed, making you laugh as well. “You look beautiful with that dress” he smiled dreamily at you. 

“Thank you, James” you said, feeling your heart flutter. “Wait, you know about that?”

“How Sirius calls Moony ‘my’ love? Of course I do” he chuckled. “So, what took you so long to come? Were you crying all this time because your house lost?”

“Really? Did you want me to come just to brag about the match, Potter? I can still leave” you smirked as he handed you a drink. 

“Please don’t. I was so bored before you came” he said, walking you over to one of the sofas near a window. 

“I find that very hard to believe” you said, looking around. 

“Why do you always think I’m lying?” James asked, placing his hand on the sofa, behind you. 

“Because I’ve known you since I’m eleven?” you replied, making him glare at you a little. 

“That hurts, love” he said, trying to sound offended. “When have I ever lied to you?” 

“Well, for starters, you didn’t tell me that you, my brother, and Peter became Animagi to help Remus-”

“That was your brother. He didn’t let us tell you” he defended himself. 

“Alright” you said, trying to suppress your smile. “So, you’ve never lied to me?”

“Never, love” he insisted.

“Not even to avoid hurting my feelings?” you raised your eyebrow at him and noticed him tense a little. 

“N-no, of course not” he said, taking a sip of his drink. 

“So, last Christmas when you invited us over and your mum was teaching me how to cook, you actually liked the Christmas Pudding I made?” 

“Of course I did” he chuckled. 

“James” you glared at him. 

“Yes, love?” he smiled, goofily at you. 

“I mistakenly added salt instead of sugar, it was ruined” you laughed. 

“No, no. It wasn’t ruined. It gave it a new better taste” he shrugged. 

“James!” you laughed. 

“What? It’s true! I liked it” he insisted. 

“Nobody else ate it! You can’t possibly think it was good” you laughed. 

“Well, I did” he shrugged, turning your way. 

“You’re really stubborn, did you know that?” 

“Oh, and you’re not?” he laughed making you smile. “Have you… always been this beautiful?” 

“That’s so cheesy, Potter, even for your standards” you chuckled, feeling your cheeks burning. 

“Wait… do you-? Do you not believe me?” he asked, his tone getting serious. 

“I- um… I do” you said, unconvincingly. 

“You don’t” he said, turning himself to you. “It is one thing that you don’t believe that I liked your Christmas Pudding-”

“You didn't” you insisted. 

“But how can you not believe me about that?” 

“I do!” you insisted. “It’s just… I’m sorry, I’m being stupid” you smiled sadly, looking at your drink. 

“No, you’re not” James insisted, placing his hand under your chin to make you look at him. “What’s going on, love? Did- did I say something wrong?” 

“No!” you quickly said. “You never say anything wrong” you smiled sadly. “It’s just… I’m not really used to um… hearing that” you said, feeling your cheeks blush. 

“Love, I tell you that every single day! Why is it so hard for you to believe me?” 

“Because, James, look at my entire family” you said, sadly. “You know who I live with. My mother is not warm and loving like your mum is. I grew up very differently than you” you reminded him, making his look turn soft and his heart break a little. “I know you wouldn’t lie to me” you added. “It’s just… not easy for me to believe it, I guess” you smiled sadly. 

“Well, love” he said, moving closer to you and placing his hand softly on your cheek. “If you’re okay with it, I will keep saying it until you believe me” he told you. “Because you are the most beautiful person that I have seen in my life. And, since apparently I haven’t been as obvious as I thought I was, I am completely and madly in love with you and I would love to take you out on a date” he said, making your heart stop. 

“R-really?” you asked and he raised his eyebrows at you. “I m-mean, y-yes, I would love to go on a date with you” you smiled. “And… in case you didn’t know because I’m horrible at this… I am very much in love with you too” you added, making the biggest smile appear on James’ face. “And I also think you’re really beautiful” you said before he pulled you in to kiss you on the lips. 

“I love you, beautiful” he said, making you smile. 

“I love you too, Jamie” you said. “Can I ask you one more thing?”

“Anything” he said.

“Do you like Peppermint Toads?” you asked suddenly, remembering your conversation with Regulus. 

“Do I uh-” he frowned. “Why are you asking me that?” he chuckled nervously. 

“You always give me Peppermint Toads when you say you bought too many but… I don’t think I’ve seen you have one” you explained. 

“Well, love… I hate to break it to you, but nobody likes Peppermint Toads” he admitted. 

“That’s not true!”

“Yes, it is” he said, kissing your cheek. “I just bought them because you always smiled when I gave them to you” he said. “So, I’ll buy you as many as you want” he said, hugging you to him and giving you another peck on the lips. 

"Thanks, love" you smiled. "Can you now tell me if you actually liked my Christmas Pudding?"

"I did!"

The End

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

A/N: I hope you loves liked it! :)

[furiousgoldfish]

I didn't see this right away, but my parents refusing to teach me anything really got to me, and not only in the way of lacking survival skills. I was being told things like 'how old are you not to know this' and 'you should know this by now' constantly, but nobody ever took the time or patience to explain or demonstrate to me how anything works. I had school education, so I was able to absorb information, but that was still, me being one of the 20+ children sitting down, with one adult who spent more time trying to keep us disciplined and quiet, than managing to explain anything. If I didn't get anything, I was too afraid to ask. I was being told I was stupid on a daily basis anyway.

My parents insisted that I was too stupid to get anything, too clumsy and ignorant and incapable, so it wasn't worth trying to teach me anything, it was a waste of energy. I was supposed to absorb knowledge by looking at what they're doing, but they would often give me other tasks to do, I wasn't free to observe. I believed that I was specifically dumb and incapable, and this was the only reason why I didn't have any skills. I actually believed that I was clumsy, stupid, incapable of doing anything correctly. I didn't think I was worth teaching, worth mentoring.

There was one time I was in my friend's house, and there was a guitar. I touched it, fascinated, since I've never had the chance to touch one before. My friend's father saw my interest, and offered to show me how to play. I was flabbergasted. He showed me how to hold it, how to press my fingers on the strings to create different chords, how to make sound happen. It took maybe 20 minutes. But it was the first time an adult showed me how something worked, and I felt.. unworthy. I didn't understand how could I deserve so much of someone's time and patience, because it had never happened before. I couldn't retain the knowledge, because that was the last time I ever touched a guitar, I never got the chance again. I still feel indebted for that 20 minutes, it feels like too much spent on me.

I thought back to those moments a lot, thinking about how special I felt for an adult to believe that I was worth teaching. If someone gave me a guitar now, I'd be ecstatic to try and learn it, because I remember that someone thought I could, someone showed me how. All of the other skills, I had to learn while already thinking I would fail, that I couldn't do it, and had to deal with extensive negative mindset before even trying to start. There is no skill that one can do perfectly on the first time, we all start by being awful, and then slowly get better with practice. But, with the 'I fail at everything and even if I try it will go bad' mindset, the awful start feels like a confirmation that we cannot do this, that we're too incapable, or stupid, or lacking in talent. Since all my work was heavily criticized no matter how well I've done, I had to go back and figure out what things I actually do okay, and criticism was unwarranted, and where I've actually been lacking in knowledge. And that is a complicated thing to do, when all of the criticism feels so painful, and even trying to do something makes you hear the words of ridicule, degradation and berating in your head. It makes you want to go the route of perfectionism, to try and do things so well they would be above criticism in general, but that's impossible. Criticism we receive in abuse is not actual criticism, it's often directed at us only to hurt our feelings, to discourage us, mock us, make us feel inadequate, sometimes even out of jealousy or because our capabilities present a threat, so they need to run that down. But how would we know? If all feedback is negative, it's impossible for us to sort trough what is a confirmation of being awful, and what is a jealous remark created to sabotage our good work.

Sometimes it feels bad learning everything on my own. Finding online tutorials and youtube videos for every skill imaginable, sifting trough forums to find information on finances and economy, trying to put together how society works by analyzing how people live and not daring to ask them to explain how they got where they are now. I had no guidance, and sometimes things would be too complicated, and I would give up. I often wish I could ask someone to explain it to me, instead of typing questions into google. The information is stored differently when it comes from a human, it creates warmth and the knowledge that someone cared enough to explain it to me, that I didn't have to put it together from various sources myself.

Learning basic survival and life skills was unnecessarily painful for me. I still have things I cannot do, just because of how much pain is associated with them. But to think everything could have been as simple as that guitar! If every time I showed interest in something, an adult who knew how it worked sat down next to me, demonstrated it, gave it to me to hold, put my hands in the right places, and directed me to what I should do. Would I ever have trouble believing in myself? It wouldn't have crossed my mind that there's anything I can't do. Or that I would fundamentally be bad at anything, just because I'm bad at it on the first attempt. When you're a kid, you don't even know if you're doing good or bad, if your first attempt gets a 'good job!', you're incentivized to do it again, until you do get good at it. That's why we encourage children, not to lie to them, but because we know how painful it is to be told off on your first try, and that it will make the second try unlikely.

Today I understand that all skills are gained trough practice, and that I can pick and choose what skills I want, and I can get them with enough practice. I can and do give up on some that are too frustrating, and that's okay too, we are all more inclined towards some activities, while others feel bad even with improvement.

As a kid I was enveloped by fear of not being able to do anything, not being useful enough to be kept alive, never being good at anything, not finding any kind of place in the world, just because I can't do anything right. All of that fear was necessary, there's tons of stuff that anyone can do, with some more complicated stuff that one needs to be specialized in, but it's not necessary for survival, or even for earning a place in society. We all have a place, by birthright, and just having skills is not as important as with what purpose you're using them for. You can be extremely skilled and using those skills to exploit, destroy and do damage to society, or even to isolate some members of society who you can then hurt. Or you can have very few skills but be insistent on using what you do only to help those around you be safe and sound.

[anemonelovesfiction]

I (Don’t) Hate You

Spider Socorro x Fem! Human Reader

Warnings ⚠️: Eating out, Fingering, Penetration (P! In V!)

MDNI 🔞

Literally noticed the lack of Spider fics and decided to write one, it’s technically an “enemies” to lovers but I’m not sure exactly how that pans out

Not proofread I’m lazy… and once I finish writing I like to get this out to you guys as soon as possible.

Word Count: 5k

Max had asked me a question about potentially working with Spider for some kind of project that he and Norm had been wanting to test out, some kind of scientific hypothesis that if something then something- to be fair I wasn’t really the best at listening once someone was to mention Spider and I doing anything together. It wasn’t that I was willing- wait- it totally was. I just couldn’t see myself actually doing anything remotely scientific with him when all he cared about was chasing after the Sully children and pretending to be one of them, he didn’t think in a scientific way, meaning this project was dead from the beginning.

“Well, why not?” Max asks after I had told him no in a serious tone, having taken into account that he’d managed to drag Spider away from the Sully’s long enough to ask me this question, but I wasn’t really in the mood to have to explain everything to him, scoffing at his question before answering.

“Because I don’t do well with idiots around the lab all day,” I had a lot more to say than just that, but felt it was better to keep my answer short and simple, I held my nose up high not really wanting to listen to any reasoning Max might have had to proving that this was worth trying, I was also mentally exhausted from the back-and-forth Spider and I usually did and it wasn’t beneficial to anyone involved.

“And I don’t do stuck-up bitches, yet here I am.” Spider speaks up for the first time since being here and I was genuinely shocked, my mouth hanging open at his comment, to be fair this was expected of him, he never took anything serious and it was starting to show, I’d never even hung out with him and I was being proven right, his smirk was starting to make an appearance on his face and his arms crossed against his chest.

“Spider,” Max started off, the tone in his voice indicating he had been warning him to knock it off, but I’d had enough.

“You’re such a dick, you know that?”

“Y/n!” Max yelled before I crossed my own arms.

“You think that just because you put on some body paint you’ll be able to be one of them? News flash, you aren’t, you never will be, just because everyone in here didn’t want us when we were born doesn’t mean someone out there will, think with your brain and stop wasting everyones time.” I rolled my eyes as I spoke my heart out, seeing a certain look of disappointment flash on his face before it was replaced with one of anger.

“The only one wasting anyones time here is you, you think you’re one of them? You aren’t, you’re the annoying reject they had to train, at least the natives care about me, nobody cares about you.” Spider was quick to retaliate and I could feel anger bubbling within my body as he spoke, ready to strike back with hurtful words of my own, without thinking about anything I’d been saying and spewing the hate right back to him.

“At least my parents-”

“Thats enough!”

I gasped in sharply as I felt my arm getting yanked, a big blue hand had wrapped itself around my bicep and began quickly walking toward the opposite direction, my legs having no choice but to follow blindly at whoever had just stopped our conversation, sentence dying on my tongue before I was shoved inside a room, falling onto my bottom, the big blue face I’d come to recognize as Norm in his avatar state was the last thing I saw before the door closed.

I only stood and walked back over to the door and attempted to punch my security code on it to get out, eyebrows furrowed in anger at having been tossed in here like I was a wild animal, but to my surprise the keypad blinked red three times, signifying that my code was not validated.

“What-“ I stated before typing my code in again and watching the light blink red once more.

“Norm!” I yelled through the room I’d been tossed in.

“We’re tired of hearing the two of you squabble at one another like its a fucking world war, we’re going to be leaving the lab for an hour so you can get everything out of your system, you guys have better made up by then.” He yells through the door before I can hear receding footsteps, it wasn’t until I turned around at his words that I realized Spider had also been in here.

Time had gone by slowly, I could have sworn I had been stuck in here for the allotted time Norm had stated, but luckily I had been wearing an old wristwatch that still worked, the time on it reading fifteen minutes past when we’d first been placed in here. I could only count the tiles in front of me so many times.

My eyes land on Spider as I see he’d backed up against a wall, hands crossed over his chest, a leg propped up against the wall, I wanted to yell at him but I didn’t have it in me to start another fight.

It wasn’t my intention to have gotten him angry, but the fact that we’d both been seething from what we had said earlier kept the both of us quiet, every time I glanced up at him I could feel a sharp heat slicing through my stomach as I thought up of a quick witted response to whatever it was he’d decided to say.

“Are you going to keep staring at me or are you going to say something worth of my time?” He asks without so much as a glance in my direction, I scoffed but turned my face away from his.

“We wouldn’t be in this mess if you kept your mouth shut.” I stated as my anger begins to simmer in my vessels, attempting to hold back more of the nasty words I had to say.

“You’re joking, right?” He chuckles darkly as he turns to look at me, leaning against the wall with one foot up, arms crossed against his chest again.

“If you hadn’t called me an idiot I wouldn’t have had to call you a stuck-up bitch.”

“Are you really saying this is all my fault?” I ask as I start closing the distance between us, knowing better than to get close to him right now, but my anger was starting to rise to an all-time-high with him.

“If the fuckin’ shoe fits.”

“I can’t wait until we get out of here so I don’t have to see your stupid face.” I stated as I finally catch up to him, neck straining slightly at how tall he was, for being out with the natives he grew taller than any of us that stayed in here.

“My stupid face, what are you, three?” He asks as he looks down at me, smirk forming on his face, feeling helpless in this situation and wanting to throw a tantrum, but composing myself as much as I could.

“Wipe that stupid smirk off your stupid face.” Well, there goes my composure, straight out the metaphorical window, and I do admit my comebacks need some work, I did sound like a three year old.

“Or what?” He leans down with a scowl plastered on, his face centimeters away from mine, and I’d made the mistake of looking down at his lips, realizing how full they were, my own scowl dropping as I observed his lips, eyes meeting his and seeing he too had dropped his scowl.

I blinked before he’d closed the distance between us and his lips were on mine, I’d closed my eyes out of instinct, letting myself get lost in the kiss we’d shared, a lot of rage melting away as our lips moved against each other. His hands had been quick to be placed on my waist as he deepened the kiss, effortlessly pulling me closer toward his body, and the warmth radiating off of him had temporarily rid me of the goosebumps I’d gotten from being trapped inside this metal box.

He’s quick to switch our positions, my feet almost stumbling until the back of my waist was pushed against the wall he’d been leaning up against, he’d used his hands to guide themselves on my shirt, tugging on it from behind as I moved my hips out of the way for him to gain better access, accidentally grinding myself against his length.

He let out a hiss as he disconnected our lips, quickly redirecting his lips toward my jaw, inching toward my neck in a teasing manner as he untucked my shirt from the pants they’d been in. I raise my arms up almost instinctively and he begins bunching the shirt in his hands before lifting it off my body, he tosses the shirt back and places his hands on my breasts as he finds my pulse point and sucks.

“Spider~” I whine as his hand snakes underneath the bra I had been wearing and uses his thumbs to caress my nipples.

“I like you better when you have nothing else to say,” He mutters before reaching one hand around my back to unclasp my bra, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was quite a turn on to have witnessed him doing it one handed.

I’m quick to shrug the straps of my bra off and toss it toward one side, not giving him the satisfaction of having said anything else, my own hands reaching for his cheeks as I bring his mouth onto mine, feeling his tongue swipe against my bottom lip, I gasped and feel as he slides his tongue inside my mouth and finding mine before licking it.

“Mm,” I squeak out and feel his hands on my hips again, one hand snaking up to pinch my nipple, as the other caresses my hip lightly. His lips once again traveling off of my own and down toward my neck, skipping over the pulse point he’d suckled earlier and heading towards my collarbones.

I could anticipate his lips getting closer to my breasts and pushed my chest into his face, earning a chuckle from him as his other hand abandons my hip to pinch my other nipple, a low moan reverberating inside my throat.

“You like this, don’t you?” He asks rhetorically.

“Spider,” I whine as I crave his attention on my nipples once more, my face feeling flushed with his words, avoiding eye contact from him until one of his hands grasp my chin gently.

“Tell me what you want.” He mutters low enough for me to hear, but clear enough to have made it a demand, I could only whimper as I look into his eyes, already darkened with lust.

I whine again after a pause of silence, attempting to move my hips to grind against his, only to feel one of his hands coming down to press against my hip, making my ass touch the wall behind me.

“Don’t make me ask again.” He’s clear in his statement and I swallow another whimper, attempting to appear bold as I bite my lip with indecisiveness.

“I want you,” I admit, seeing a smile grace his features, I’ve just come to the realization that I’d enjoyed seeing his smile, his eyes bounce between mine before placing his hand on the babd of my pants, silently asking permission, my heart beats faster upon this action, nodding almost too quickly.

He grabs my pants full force and unbuttons them, pulling them down my legs and stopping once he reaches my knees, given they were khaki shorts I shimmied my legs, taking a step out of them, using my other leg to lick them off God know’s where.

“You’re absolutely gorgeous,” He responds and I can feel my lips curl into a smile, he gently places his hands on the waistband of my underwear, a look on his face telling me he’s silently asking for permission to pull them down, I could feel my face heating up at how much of a gentleman he was.

I give him a small nod before feeling him start to slide my underwear down with a sense of desperation, only managing to bring it down past my knee’s before he’s back up again, I take it as my cue to kick off my underwear the same way I’d done with my pants, not really caring where it had gone.

I feel him dip down slightly, face coming toward my chest as he places his hands behind my thighs, I immediately jump and feel his strong arms wrap themselves around my thighs, but he doesn’t stop lifting me up to wrap my legs around his waist, but rather settling me up so high, my back is leaning against the wall and my legs were placed along his shoulders.

“Spider,” I stated uncertainly, the cool metal starting to cool me down and bring me back to my senses.

“It’s okay, I got you,” He gives my thigh a comforting squeeze.

“Aren’t I too heavy?” I asked as the uncertainty had started creeping through my mind.

He only keeps his eyes on me as his face comes close to my cunt, the heat that had started dwindling with the coolness of the metal on my back was starting to come back, and the moment his tongue comes out to lick a fat stripe against my pussy has me gasping lightly, immediately biting my lip in an attempt to control my hips from thrusting in his face.

The second lick he does has a moan tickling the back of your throat, his tongue flattening to cover more of the surface area, I was tempted to toss my head back, but the hold his dark chocolate eyes held on me kept me locked into place.

The third lick was starting to drive me wild as he finally delved his tongue in, tasting my juices and allowing the tip to flick against my clit, a moan I’d cut off had slipped out as I shifted my weight slightly, lifting my hips up a bit and watching his eyes crinkle as he smiles.

“Spider,” I breathe out, unsure of what it was I was even asking for, until he finally dips his tongue back on me, honing in on my clit, circling his tongue around it.

I allowed myself to throw my head back, feeling as my hand lifts up and grabs a fistful of his dreadlocks.

“Oh fuck,” I whined, rolling my hips against his tongue as I closed my eyes, losing myself in the pleasure, the grip on my thighs getting stronger as he attempts to hold my hips still.

He doesn’t waste any time in moving his muscle faster, my hips fighting against his hands, a growl dripping from my lips as I squeeze my eyes tightly.

“I’m coming-“ I grasp his dreads tightly as I feel my walls closing over nothing as he continues to bring me pleasure by continuing to lick me, holding me steadily as he allows me to ride out my orgasm.

Once I’d felt like I had enough I loosened my hold on his hair and paw at his forehead to get him to stop, he brings his own face back and I felt spent, dropping my hips in a slumped position and noticing the shiny cum on Spiders mouth and chin.

Taking a second to catch my breath I continue staring between his eyes and shiny mouth, a smile forming on my own lips as a thought came to my head, It wasn’t my intention to piss him off but I could have a little fun teasing him.

“Enjoy your meal?” I stated and watch him smirk, affectively letting go of my thighs, I yelp and jump slightly at the feeling if my security being gone before he places his hands on my waist, carefully setting me down.

“Spider!” I angrily stated while playfully hitting his shoulder.

“I like it better when you’re moaning it out instead,” He corners me against the wall before planting a quick kiss on my lips, hands finding my waist, thumbs rubbing against my skin deliciously.

“Why don’t you,” I trailed my hand down his abs and place my finger on the band of his loincloth, watching as my eyes trailed down alongside my hand, linking my finger in it in and tugging at it slightly before my eyes meet his.

“Take this off,” I began as I use my other hand to repeat the action, now gently tugging on his loincloth, practically begging it to come off.

“So I can please you.” I ended my comment by taking both fingers out from the band, and using one hand to cup his hardened length, eyes coming up again to meet his, only to find him looking down at my hand, lips caught between his teeth.

“I have a better idea.” He mumbles as he settles his body to sit flush against mine, he didn’t seem too concerned with discarding his loincloth as he brings his lips on mine once more, igniting the fire in my core.

His hands aren’t gentlemanly as they roam around my body, greedily mapping out my body as his tongue dances with mine, his knee digs itself between my legs and I’m forced to spread myself just so he can fit in, not minding this situation one bit as one of his hands dive deeper.

He manages to slide his index finger between my slick folds, brushing up against the clit he’d abused earlier, a muffled moan coming from me while his lips were on mine, his hand working its way further down until he shoves his finger in without warning.

My gasp gives him a second to shove his tongue back down my throat, my legs spreading further to allow his hand enough space to work its magic, another muffled moan slipping past my lips.

“Spider~” I moaned again as I move my head toward the side with his kisses leading to my neck once more.

A second finger finds itself shoved inside my pussy and a long moan follows after, the way he’s allowing me to adjust to the sheer size of his fingers was more than generous, slowly inserting both fingers and feeling the delicious stretch filling my senses, his mouth connecting with my nipple had fueled the fire stirring in my belly.

“Spider please,” I whine as his fingers are moving terribly slow, I could take his fingers moving faster as I usually did this to myself, but having someone else do it felt so much better.

“Yeah, What do you want?” He asks as his fingers start going faster but even then it wasn’t enough, my knees still buckle under the pleasure and I was having a hard time concentrating on standing, but I was craving more.

“I want you to fuck me-“ I stated, feeling my face growing hotter at my own words, not caring at the moment as I knew what I wanted.

He doesn’t say anything but curls his fingers inside me, hitting a delicious spot that made me see stars, I could only throw my head back.

“Spider!” I moan again, letting a longer one roll out of my mouth as I desperately attempt to scratch the itch of my growing orgasm, my own hips snapping against his hand to meet his thrusts and feeling as though something was missing.

“I like when you say my name like that,” He speaks rather huskily, taking his fingers out of my cunt, bringing his fingers toward his mouth and letting a moan of his own sneak past him.

“You taste divine,” He mumbles as if he hadn’t just ate me out earlier.

“Please take this off,” I whine as my fingers sneak into the waistband of his loincloth, tugging rather harshly just to hear him chuckle at my desperation, I only found my eyes drifting up to meet his.

“Please,” I find myself begging silently, my voice barely above a whisper, seeing his eyes soften as he brings his hand toward my cheek.

“Lie down,” He seems to accept what I’d been wanting as his other hand reaches where his loincloth is tied, nodding at his command as I bring myself down to the cold floor, lying down and watching as he settles onto his knees on the floor, pulling on the string and watching as his loincloth finally slides off his body.

I watch as his cock springs up, slapping him in the belly, precome coating the tip and my breath being dragged out as I stared. The tip of his cock was rather big and he was thick all around, sure he wasn’t as big as my forearm, but staring at him made me question if it was going to fit.

“Like what you see?” He asks cockily, his own hand coming down to squeeze his balls and the base of his cock all together.

I could feel the saliva coating my mouth as I desperately wanted to taste him, feeling myself gulp rather loudly before my eyes go up toward his again.

“Is it going to fit?” I asked with uncertainty, feeling my legs closing subconsciously, I watch as his eyes trail down toward my legs, then back up toward my eyes before he crawls up toward me, his body hovering over mine as he leans down to kiss my forehead gently.

“We can stop if you’d like,” He begins but I shake my head.

“N-no, I want to, I’m just nervous.” I was quick to answer, not wanting to ruin what we had going on at the moment, placing my hands on either of his cheeks and using my thumb to caress his face.

“I trust you,” I stated and feel him nod, his dreads forming themselves around his face so perfectly, I smiled while spreading my legs wider to fit him in.

“This might hurt at first,” He begins as he grasps his cock with one hand, placing it close to my cunt and pushing his cock between the lips of my slick, the head of him rubbing against my clit.

“That feels good,” I moan and feel him continue to stimulate my clit, my legs spreading wider, my eyes closing softly as I focus on the pleasure.

“You ready?” His husky voice breaks me out of my happy place but I nod.

He slides his cock down and I feel it catch as he slowly pushes the tip inside, the stretch feeling wider than that of his fingers, but the feeling was incredible.

“More-“ I shimmy my hips down closer, feeling more of his cock sliding in, the stretch starting to feel like a lot but my desperation to fill all of him was consuming me.

“This feels so good,” I hear him strain, his hands coming to grasp my hips rather harshly, he squeezes harsh too but refuses to move.

“Spider more,” I beg as I attempt to shimmy myself further but feel him holding me into place.

“I need a second,” He groans, my eyes open as I see him struggling to take a decent deep breath, his dreads threaten to tickle my nipples as his head is hanging low.

“Don’t hold back!” I whine as I attempt to move my hips for more stimulation and feeling frustration bubbling beneath the surface.

I can hear him growl as he slides himself the rest of the way in, the breath that had been in my lungs suddenly leaves as I feel his entire length inside me.

A low groan leaves his lips as he ruts ever so gently into me, his hands still holding into my hips harshly, his grunts coming out rhythmically before taking his entire length out and shoving it back inside.

I moan louder than I had in previous attempts as his entire cock stretches me out deliciously, a bit of pain bringing a stinging sensation, but it was all welcomed as he begins to set his own pace.

I find myself wrapping my legs around his waist, he suddenly picks up the pace, causing an obscene sound to come from my pussy, a warmth filling me up as he continues his thrusts.

“You feel so good, so tight, fuck!” He exclaims as he plants his knee’s down, hand trailing from from my thigh, down the swell of my ass and trailing past my leg, tugging at it to get me to unhook myself from him.

I take my legs off his lower back to appease him, but watch as he grabs my legs by my ankles, pushing them up toward my face and essentially folding me in half. The feeling of the tip of his cock kissing my cervix is the only feeling I could focus on.

He tightens his hands on my ankles and begins to drag himself out of me, and smirk as he slams himself back into me.

“Spider!” I whine as I feel him reaching my cervix, my special spot, and places I had no idea existed inside of me.

“You gonna stop being a brat to me from now on?” He asks me loud enough to bring my attention towards him, moaning out as he thrusts back into my half bent body, unable to think properly.

“Give me an answer, pretty girl,” His hips still and a rage settles inside me, his hands loosen around my ankles as he runs his hands down my calves, now placing his hold on the back of my thighs.

“N-no,” I mumble, seeing him smile, his grip on my thighs tighten and he starts thrusting into me almost primally, his growls being heard in my ears as his cock assaults my cervix, the feeling of it being hit continuously starting to draw my orgasm near.

“I’m close,” I squeezed my eyes tightly to focus on the pleasure, feeling as they roll back into my skull as I see starts forming in my vision.

“Thats it, baby, squeeze my cock dry.” His words drive me closer to the edge as I feel it begin to flutter around him, his thrusts never ceasing to bring me pleasure.

“I’m coming,” I cry out as he thrusts in one last time, feeling my walls contracting against his cock, stuck in a state of ecstasy, a high pitched whine leaving my lips as I’d came.

A sudden warmth entering my cunt as Spider empties his cock inside me, a drawn out moan escaping him as he attempts to thrust deeper into me.

It hadn’t taken long for us to untangle our limbs and put our clothes back on, but I did feel slightly dirty knowing there was no possible way for me to clean myself up, feeling as his cum slid out of my cunt and into my underwear, a lovely stain I’d have to deal with cleaning out later.

“How long do you think it’ll take for either one of them to come back?” I asked as I finally find the courage to look past my hands and up to him.

He only shrugs and it appears he’s been biting his lip, unsure of what to say or how else to keep the conversation going, but the quiet we’d marinated in had been welcoming, there was nothing awkward about it.

Just then my ears jerk slightly at the slightest sound of someones footsteps making its way in the lab room we’d been in.

“Wanna know how I know you learned your lesson?” Norms voice is heard from the other side of the door, a rhetorical question since he never expected the same answer to come out our mouths, so he answered his own question aloud.

“Because I don’t hear you yelling at each other,” He mutters and just then a beep is heard, the door opens up automatically to show us a human Norm standing on the other side.

“Can we go now?” Spider asks with an attitude lacing his tone, I nervously look over at him before my eyes shift to Norm exhaling loudly, had everything we’d done just been a one time thing?

“Promise not to put up a fight the next time we ask you a simple question?” Is his sassy reply and I felt my eyes rolling as I walk over toward the exit, arms crossed as soon as I stand close to Norm, seeing Max behind him.

“The next time you lock us in here without a toilet or running water I’ll make sure to castrate your Avatar.” I threatened before pushing past him and walking out.

I didn’t bother turning around to know that the footsteps behind me were Spiders.

“Hey, you okay?” Spider asks once we’re within an earshot from Max and Norm, I could feel him grasping my arm gently, and I turned my body to look at him, seeing genuine concern from his eyes.

“I’m fine,” I sigh out and feel him wrap his arms around me in a hug.

“I hate you,” I mumbled into the hug.

“I don’t hate you.” He replies and I smile.

__________

“So what do the results yielded from the study conclude for our hypothesis?” Max asks from behind Norm,who turns toward Max with a smile gracing his features.

“It would prove it correct,”Norm couldn’t fight the small laugh that had decided to come through his lips, his face slightly brightening as his cheeks reddened, the two of them now smiling.

“It smells like sex in there, do you know how hard it was to keep a straight face the whole time, I was literally dying!” Max mentions as he comes close to his colleague, hand coming up to clap his shoulder twice, the two of them turning around to document their findings, opening a folder on the tablet, the hypothesis in bold.

If two people who quarrel with one another over stupid things are trapped together in a room with no way to track time, then they are more than likely to sleep with one another in said room after realizing there is no way out.

[iikatsukii]

3:15 (breathe)

synopsis: story inspired by the song 3:15 by russ

pairings: lo’ak x metkayina!reader

warnings: angst to comfort & minor violence

word count: 6.6k

a/n: ive been writing this for too long but im back with a present 🫶🏾 (also i know this one isnt shortened by a read more thing im sorry guys i tried idk why its not working but hopefully when i get my laptop charger back ill be able to fix it but pls just bare with me just this once)

you had been staring at the roof of your marui for about 20 minutes now. you were dreading getting up. you've felt like this for the past few months but couldn't pinpoint exactly when it started. being the youngest daughter of tonowari and ronal is like asking every boy in the clan to court you. when you chose rotxo, all the boys in the clan were heartbroken. you and tsireya found it kinda funny, to be honest.

you and rotxo have been dating for about half a year now. everything leading up to the relationship had been amazing. the fleeting glances, soft touches, the surprise dates. he had courted you perfectly, so he was over the moon when you finally said yes. his loving actions continued three months into the relationship. then suddenly, you started to notice a shift in his behaviors.

he wouldn't surprise you with dates anymore, he only hung out with ao'nung and his friends, he wouldn't make time for you, and when you did ask to spend time with him, he would brush you off, saying he was busy.

of course, your siblings didn't know about this. rotxo told you not to tell them. "i mean, what would ao'nung think of me? he would never want to be friends with me again," he told you. you sighed, "you're right, rotxo. i'm sorry. i won't say anything." rotxo pulled you into a hug, holding your head to his chest so you couldn't see the smirk he held on his face. on the other hand, you held an expression of self-doubt. like you knew the choice to not speak up was dumb, and you wished you could take your words back, but you couldn't bring yourself to do it.

so you remained in rotxo's arms day after day, putting on a show that everyone believed. never saying anything to anyone. never saying anything about all the harsh words rotxo would say to you, about the loneliness you felt, or about the scars he left on your heart.

tsireya, your twin sister, suspected something was off about your relationship because of how differently you had been acting recently. ever since rotxo started treating you poorly, tsireya would hear you cry yourself to sleep every night. still, when she confronted you about it, you would brush her off, saying she was probably hearing things from how tired she had been. and the thing is, nobody else seems to hear it, so it's not like tsireya can have someone to back her up.

you finally gathered the energy to get up, 2 hours later than you were supposed to, and you groaned, knowing your father was going to kill you. you quickly get dressed, rushing to find someone, anyone who can tell you where your father is. finally, you see a huge crowd, what looks like the entire clan, gathered at the shores of the beaches.

"uturu has been asked.." you heard faintly. as you made your way to the front of the crowd, where you heard your father's voice, you caught the tail end of the conversation. "toruk makto and his family will live among us. my children will teach your children the ways of the water so that your family does not suffer the burden of being useless." you hid behind your father. as he spoke, you looked over to who he was talking to.

a group of 6 darker-toned na'vi were standing huddled together. 2 parents and 4 children. you analyzed each child, still hiding behind your father. the smallest, youngest na'vi was holding her mother's hand, hiding behind her leg, similar to how you're hiding behind your father. the older female, who looked about your age, had an annoyed look on her face. you giggled at her expression, being able to tell that she wanted to be anywhere but here.

then you looked at the taller, assumingly older brother. he looked tight-laced, like he was the perfect child. a golden boy, if you would. not really your type but eh, who are you to say anything. you have a boyfriend, for crying out loud. you shouldn't even be thinking things like this in the first place. you rolled your eyes, ignoring the annoying thoughts in your head, as you looked at the other boy standing next to the eldest son.

that's when you noticed the eyes that were staring back at you. they were the prettiest amber color you've ever seen, accented by… is that hair above his eyes? his eyes glowed in the sun, and his markings? don't even start; his markings running along his body were mesmerizing. but the one thing that interested you was the look he held in his eyes. nobody had ever looked at you like that, and of course, that makes it harder to pinpoint precisely what makes you feel this way. while you were entranced in the visitor's eyes, you failed to notice your own boyfriend noticing you. once the clan's people started to disperse, your sister grabbed your hand and dragged you over to the new family.

rotxo was going to approach you, but he was stopped by ao'nung, who nodded his head back to the water, where they would later meet you, tsireya, and those 'freaks' for lessons. ao'nung missed the furious expression his best friend held. rotxo was quick to fix his face, though, playing nice. he saw the looks between you and that forest boy, and he was not happy about it. he decided to observe from afar before confronting you about anything, not wanting youîu to know that he noticed anything.

as you and tsireya approached the family, you got to take a closer look at the boy before you. your thoughts, though, were interrupted by your twin, "let us show you to your new home," as she and you guided the new family to their home, you could tell their father was trying to stay positive, but the way their mother dropped her belongings when she saw where they would be living was comedic to you. you couldn't help but chuckle at her reaction, not maliciously, of course. you're not like your brother ao'nung and boyfriend rotxo.

"sister, i was late to the gathering. i have no idea who these people are or what's happening." you whispered to your twin. "oh right! where were you, by the way? i had to go through ilu training with the boys alone! it was horrible." she groaned. you sighed. yeah, you're definitely gonna get your ass beat when you get home. "father didn't happen to notice, did he?" you said, already knowing the answer. tsireya just laughed "skxawng." she said, hitting your shoulder. "hey!" you said defensively, ready to hit her back until a hand caught yours. you turned around to see one of the new na'vi boys. it was the younger one.

"as amusing it is to see two sisters-" he started

"twins," you and tsireya corrected at the same time. it freaked both boys out, but they thought it was cute in a way.

"as amusing as it is to see twins bickering with one another, i believe a lesson is in our near future? per request of your father, that is." the tone he used was teasing. how could he speak to you with such confidence when he didn't even know your name? rotxo had never spoken to you like that. his words were always soft, almost shy as if he didn't want to scare you with how loud you knew he could be. for some reason, though, it made you like rotxo more.

but with how things have been going well recently, rotxo isn't that soft-spoken boy anymore. hell, he barely acts like your boyfriend now. so maybe it won't be wrong to get to know someone new? only as a friend, though. you would never dream of cheating, let alone act on it.

you looked down to see that the younger brother, whose name you still had yet to find out, was still holding onto your wrist, waiting for an answer.

oh shit, he's waiting on an answer.

you had zoned out, daydreaming about the boy who was gazing at you equally as curious. thankfully you guys had an energetic little girl to catch your attention. "LAST ONE TO THE WATER IS THANATOR BAIT," she said as she jumped into the water.

you and your sister giggled at the young girl's actions, deciding to jump right in after her. the remaining na'vi jumped in as well as you and tsireya swam, guiding them to where you would have this supposed lesson. as you and your twin swam, she explained everything that had happened while you were sleeping using your clan's sign language. it was making more sense now. this family fled their home, seeking a safe place to stay… uturu…

as you had gotten to the rocks by the beach, you noticed that your brother was there, which could only mean one thing. rotxo was here, too, great. you didn't really feel like pretending to be happy with him around people right now, but you slapped on your usual fake smile, praying to eywa that these newcomers were as easy to fool as everyone else on this island.

you had begun your lessons as usual, you and tsireya being paired up with the youngest son as he was having the most difficulty.

"breathe in. breathe from down here," tsireya said as she placed her hand on lo'ak's stomach. you placed your hand on his heart to check its speed as you continued, "breathe out." you sighed again. "lo'ak, your heartbeat is fast," you said, looking up at him, happy that you had learned his name because now you could address him by his name.

"sorry," he said,

"try to focus," tsireya added, his eyes meeting hers as she spoke. you noticed that when his eyes shifted, his expression remained the same bright, curious look he gave you; he also held with your sister.

maybe that's just how he looks at people, you thought as you continued to help him.

you felt eyes on your back, knowing it was rotxo staring at you. you looked over your shoulder and made eye contact with your boyfriend, smiling and waving at him, getting nothing but a stone-cold look in return. nobody seemed to notice, so the embarrassment was yours alone. or so you thought until you turned back to lo'ak, seeing as he had seen the whole interaction between the two of you. nobody had ever noticed something like this happen. you tried to read the forest boy's expression but couldn't. all you knew was that he didn't have that same bright look in his eyes as he looked at rotxo.

so maybe he doesn't look at everyone like that…

the exchange sent a shiver up your back. you had a feeling nothing good would come of these two interacting, but over the months, rotxo had diminished your self-confidence, finding yourself seriously doubting your judgment. so you ignored the feeling, not thinking it would be worth risking the normalcy in your daily life.

with lessons finally ending, you excused yourself from the rest as you walked back to your marui, knowing that your parents were about to beat your ass. you walked into your home with your ears flat against your head, tail between your legs, and head hung in shame.

"y/n te ronal'ite," your mother sneered.

oh yeah. you're fucked.

"father, mother, i am sorry i do not know why i overslept this morning–"

"this is the fifth time this has happened, child. you do not know why you have overslept five times this month?" your mothers' words were harsh; you knew she was very upset with you because of how you had been acting recently. you also knew she didn't like your relationship with rotxo, no matter how nice she thought the boy was. to her, something was just off, she could hear eywa whispering to her about it at night, but when she awoke in the morning, it became nothing but a second thought as all her tsahik duties became a priority as she started her day.

"mother, i am sorry. i do not know why this is happening, but i promise it won't happen again," you said, falling to your knees and begging your parents for forgiveness. you hated when they were upset with you, from when you were a kid until now—especially your father.

you were a daddy's girl; you couldn't help it. your father was your safe haven, and you hated when he was disappointed in you even more than you hated when your mother was mad at you. so when you looked into his eyes and saw concern and not disappointment, you knew something was wrong.

"ma y/n, what is the matter? ite, if something is wrong, you know you can tell me." your father tried.

this was the one thing you couldn't confide in your father for. usually, you have little to no trouble telling your father what's wrong, but this was different. you couldn't bring yourself to tell him. so you just looked up at your father, tears in your eyes, and said

"nothing is wrong, father. i have no excuse for waking up late, so please issue my punishment. i have to finish my chores for the day," hearing your voice so cold sent a shiver up your parents' backs. that was what made them realize there really is something wrong. no matter how much you deny it, they can finally see past the facade that you've been keeping up.

how have they never noticed? how long has this been going on?

ronal looked at her husband, silently asking him for help. for once, the tsahik didn't know what to do. as attuned to eywa as she was, the great mother can't outright tell her what is wrong or how to solve it, thus leaving ronal feeling hopeless.

useless.

a tsahik who can't even help her own child. what good is she?

tonowari cleared his throat, drawing attention to himself.

"two weeks, ilu keeper. you are to bring and return the villager's ilus as well as headcount the north, south, east, and west pens before the eclipse to ensure all ilus are accounted for. you are dismissed," your father's tone was equally as cold as yours. you knew the game he was playing, and you wouldn't fall for it this time. you knew your father was just trying to reciprocate the attitude you were giving him so you would crack. so you quickly left your home, knowing that if you stayed any longer, you would burst into tears and beg your father to hold you in his arms.

your depression had continued for months after the day of the sullys arrival. things with rotxo had only gotten worse, and to you, it seemed like nobody was noticing your depleting health. but in reality, everyone knew you were sad, but nobody knew why.

except for one person

you were so grateful for lo'ak. he was the only person who noticed. he saw everything and sat you down, saying you couldn't endure this abusive relationship anymore. he saw all the scowls and rolled eyes your boyfriend sent your way when you were looking and when you weren't looking. he also saw stuff that you hadn't seen. like rotxo entertaining different girls throughout the village. all of those girls being the ones who you said were your very good friends, but more specifically, it was your best friend.

you and your sully boy were walking along the shore, deciding to go for a walk after he had returned from his daily chores. the walk was silent, but you noticed the furrowed eyebrows above lo'ak's eyes, indicating that he was thinking.

"if you think too hard, you may end up hurting yourself, forest boy," you teased, giggling at his reaction. the boy had rolled his eyes, relieving his eyebrow of their stress as he nudged your side with his elbow. "hey, watch it," he said, laughing along with you.

then he got serious again, you noticed the stress return to his eyebrows, and you couldn't help but stop walking, concerned for your friend.

"lo'ak, what is the matter?" you asked, voice quiet, almost a whisper. lo'ak had barely heard it over the sounds of the tide washing up against the shore. he was silent for a while, debating on if this was his place to say anything, but the boy was worried for you so he spoke up.

"as your friend, y/n, i cannot allow you to continue to be in this relationship." his words were firm. you knew this was coming, and you were hoping you could avoid it, but in the end, it seemed inevitable. you sighed, exhausted, dropping your facade.

"lo'ak, please. don't say anything to anyone. i am fine, okay? rotxo is just busy, is all–"

"yeah, busy suckin' face with your so-called friends, y/n," lo'ak huffed, tired of seeing you endure this treatment. you perked up at his words, though. what was he talking about?

"what do you mean?" you said as you stepped closer, wanting to look deeper into his eyes to ensure he wasn't lying.

"your boy has been cheating on you with all the girls you call your 'friends', especially your best friend. whenever he says he's busy with ao'nung and the guys, neteyam tells me he sneaks off halfway through. and i've personally caught him with so many girls y/n. he's been cheating on you." the words echo in your head.

cheating?

with your friends?

your boyfriend…

your boyfriend.

a new feeling had blossomed in your chest. it felt like a raging fire in your chest, out of control and blazing with heat. oh, you were pissed. so lo'ak hatched a plan for you.

"take this," he said as he reached up to his neck, taking off his communicator and giving it to you. "wear it tomorrow. and right before eclipse, i want you to go to the west ilu pen. but be quiet when you get there. that's usually where rotxo meets your best friend." the words squeezed at your heart, but the fury in your chest overpowered it all.

"fine," you said as your eyes met his once again. you moved your hair behind over your left shoulder as you turned around, signaling for him to put the communicator on for you.

once it was secure, you turned to face him again, knowing that this would be the last moment of peace you would have until the storm you had been so severely trying to avoid.

"thank you," was the last thing you said to the forest boy before you made your way home. knowing the next day would be one of the worst days of your life.

it was a few minutes til eclipse, and you were waiting in a hidden spot near the west ilu pen just like lo'ak had told you. you had been waiting here for 15 minutes, and neither rotxo nor your best friend had shown up. did lo'ak lie? what reason would he have to lie? it's not like he likes you. lo'ak always uses phrases like "as your friend…" and "friends don't treat friends like that," insinuating that he, too, thought of you as a friend and nothing more, so what reason would he have to lie. you were about to radio him, pressing the button on your neck, because you were getting annoyed waiting here for so long. but then you heard a familiar laugh.

that's your best friend's laugh.

you turned around, peeking through leaves to see rotxo and your best friend holding hands, laughing with one another. keeping your hand against your communicator, you tried to get as close as possible without revealing your hiding spot so that lo'ak could hear everything happening.

"are you sure this is okay, rotxo? what about y/n? you know she's my best friend." your best friends laughter had died down as the two came to a halt.

"ma yawne, you need not worry." your boyfriend reassured.

"but what about her? you guys are in a relationship, and she is olo'eyktans daughter. if we get caught, we're done for. plus, she's been looking so sad recently. i can't help but feel like she knows." tears sprung to her eyes and you couldn't help but roll your own.

"mawey, my love. she does not know. besides, she has been ignoring me recently. i've been left alone, wondering if she's okay. i ask her every day to talk to me and tell me something; i reassure her that i'm here for her and that she can talk to me about anything. she brushes me off, not even giving me the time of day. it is like she has completely shut me out. i feel so left in the dark," your best friend just coos at the boy, pulling into a hug in an attempt to 'hug' him when she really is just trying to push her boobs against his chest. his hand placement wasn't any better. he had his arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer to himself if even possible.

OH, BOO FUCKING HOO, IS HE FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW??

it was taking every molecule of self-restraint in your body not to blow your cover and strangle the man you call your "boyfriend." upon hearing his words, you could only scoff. this is what he's been doing? while he's been ignoring you, leaving you lonely and hurting, he's been out in the village, cheating on you and playing victim, making everyone think you were ignoring him.

you could only roll your eyes as you walked away before you were discovered. you were furious. you knew exactly how you wanted to approach this, thinking based only on your heated emotions, throwing all rational away. as you walked away, your hand fell from the collar around your neck, knowing lo'ak had heard enough. he was probably on the way to your parents' marui right now to tell them everything.

you walked to rotxo's family marui; glad to see the rest of his family is still out doing whatever they do. you could care less. he and anyone related to him could perish, poof into thin air, never to be seen again, and you wouldn't bat an eye. in fact, just the idea of it brings a smile to your face. a smile that instantly dropped when the flap of the marui was pushed aside, revealing your boyfriend and your brother.

"ao'nung, leave. i need to talk to rotxo," you said as soon as you made eye contact with your older brother. you knew he was clueless about what had happened because he was hanging out with his friends all day. supposedly, so was rotxo.

"sorry little sister, but you're going to have to leave. rotxo and i are–"

"AO' GET THE FUCK OUT!" you screamed at your brother, eyes falling to the floor, knowing he wasn't the target of rage, so you probably shouldn't be treating him like this.

your brother was surprised you raised your voice at him but listened anyway, knowing that this wasn't his problem and he honestly didn't care about your relationship as long as rotxo treated you right. and to his knowledge, his best friend is treating you right. rotxo, you told your brother that it was you shutting him out, so ao'nung just assumed this would be another one of those 'irrational arguments' that rotxo always tells him about.

watching your brothers back retreating toward your home, you turned your attention to the man of the fucking hour.

"my best friend? are you serious right now, rotxo?" you asked him to get straight to the point.

rotxo rolled his eyes, groaning because he realized you knew he was cheating on you.

"y/n, don't be like this. my family will be home any minute–" you cut him off.

"i do not care. you are walking around telling people i shut you out? cheating on me? you are out here forcing me to put on a smile, fake happy, so your reputation doesn't get ruined, and you have the nerve to try and bring mine down with you? saying i'm leaving you in the dark. making yourself seem like the goddamn victim?! you're cheating on me, rotxo. FOR FUCKS SAKE." the english word that the sully children had taught you felt like the only word that could adequately convey your feelings.

"using the words that sully boy taught you, huh? you know you've been spending a lot of time with him. you're lucky the only rumor i spread was that you left me in the dark. be grateful that i'm not telling everyone how you've been spreading your legs for that freak." you gaped at his words. how did he know about how much you've been spending with lo'ak? of course, he's completely wrong about what you guys do but he's always busy with his friends, blowing you off, cheating, and not caring who you're with or what you're doing. regardless of how he knew or not, you and lo'ak were friends, and that's it.

"we are just friends. i would not even have to hang out with him if my own shitty boyfriend actually acted as if he fucking likes me. we hang out as all young na'vi do, free diving, ilu racing, sea shell collecting. things i've done with you, my siblings, and countless other friends, like the bitch you are cheating on me with, so why is it a problem when i do it with lo'ak? hmm, rotxo? what's your fucking problem? are you projecting? is that it?" you were blinded by your rage, not even realizing that you had approached your boyfriend, but it felt like your words weren't getting through to him. he still held this shitty condescending smirk on his face, and you were sick of it. so you pushed him with all the strength you had in your body. rotxo fell to the floor pretty hard, groaning in pain as he landed funny on his wrist.

"ah! ha–" rotxo graoned in pain as he gripped his wrist. his gaze met yours as he spoke again "look, she's finally snapped. what? are you going to go, run to your little demon blood? are you going to let him cheer you up like the little slut you are? might as well prepare yourself for tomorrow because when ao'nung asks me what we argued about, i'm telling him i found out you were cheating on me with that sully boy," rotxo stood from his place on the floor, holding a look you had never seen on him before. he walked towards you menacingly as you matched his pace, walking backward until your back made contact with the wall of his home. his hand came up to your neck, squeezing, not noticing that he had once again pressed the button on your collar so lo'ak could hear everything.

“y/n? what's wrong? what's going on?" you heard his voice in your earpiece but kept quiet, not wanting rotxo to know he was about to get caught.

"you're so easy, huh? playing hard to get for everyone in the village when really you just wanted to be a whore for a half-breed freak who has only brought problems and war to our home–" you pushed him off of you, running out his marui with your head down, not wanting him to see your tears as if he hadn't already.

as cruel as rotxo had been to you, he had never called you such degrading names like this.

as angry as you were, hearing someone you once loved say things like that to you felt like a bullet to the heart.

you ran to a hidden oasis within the forest line of awa'atlu. only you and rotxo knew of it, but recently you've found yourself coming here alone much more than you would come here with him.

falling to your knees in front of the river before you, you allowed the dam to break, letting all your pent-up emotions out. you couldn't help but cry to yourself. you hated life like this. you hated living a lie, not wanting to bare this pain anymore. you cried, sobbed, screamed, wailed, anything to get this hurt out of your heart.

rotxo had broken you. he had taken your pure, innocent heart and smashed it to pieces. no matter how much you tried to love and care for him, you realize he would never really love you. it was all just a ploy to get in with the olo'eyktan's daughter. he was just like every other stupid boy on this island. but you fell for him, and you hated the feeling.

and for him to cheat with your best friend, of all people? how could he? did he even love you?

to say lo'ak was worried was the understatement of the fucking year. he was basically having a panic attack rampaging the island after he didn't find you in rotxo's marui when they arrived. lo'ak had come with his family and yours, everyone having heard the cruel words that rotxo had spat at you thanks to lo'aks communication device.

jake and neteyam personally held lo'ak back from killing the metkayina in front of him.

"YOU FUCKER! YOU CALL HER A WHORE WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE STICKING YOUR DICK IN ANYTHING THAT HAS A FUCKING HOLE, YOU PUSSY–"

"lo'ak, that's enough," jake said, trying to restrain his youngest son.

"NO, HE'S RIGHT! DAD, LET ME GO! LET ME BEAT HIS ASS!" lo'ak looked over to see tonowari and another warrior holding ao'nung back, but the look on tonowari's face showed that he was seconds from ripping rotxo limb from limb for what he had said to his daughter.

that's when lo'ak noticed you weren't in the marui. pulling himself from his father and brother's restraints, he ran out, immediately going to all your favorite places on the island, trying to find you.

he searched the shallow reefs on the east side of the island. he visited the ilu pen on the south part of the island because that's where you kept your ilu. he checked the floral shoreline on the northwest part of the island, knowing that you loved getting all your flowers from there, whether it was for your hair, a top, or a gift for the new boy on the island.

lo'ak noticed a forest line near the floral shores, so he also decided to check within that area in case you were wandering around there.

walking through the forest area kind of reminded lo'ak of home. he had been reminiscing on the flora of his home when he heard what sounded like crying—very loud crying.

immediately arming himself, prepared to protect himself or someone else. lo'ak stepped into the clearing, seeing you kneeling over the stream, fists clenched into the ground beneath you as you let out the most heart-twisting cries he had ever heard.

you were crying so loud you hadn't even heard the forest boy approaching you. feeling arms engulfing you, you began to panic. whoever it was immediately tried to soothe your struggles, and much to your surprise, you listened. you felt warmth, security, and comfort. things you never felt around rotxo, at least, not anymore.

"mawey, y/n. mawey. try to match my breathing," it was a familiar voice, but with all the physical and emotional pain clouding your senses, you couldn't pinpoint who it was. regardless, you tried your best to match his breathing, your heavy breaths slowing to quiet sobs and whimpers. it felt like your heart was really breaking. this realization was painful. rotxo didn't love you. he was using you.

you just wanted to be loved, and rotxo made you feel that way for a while. but that was the problem; it only lasted a while. then everything went to shit, and you were left cold and alone while rotxo was out cheating on you and forcing you to fake a smile for everyone around you so that you wouldn't ruin his reputation.

your cries had died down, and you were resting within the hold of the person behind you. his hushed words of comfort hadn't stopped, praising you for controlling your breath as he soothingly rubbed your shoulders. when you calmed down enough, you turned to look at the source of your comfort. it was honestly one of the last people you expected it to be.

you would've thought your brother or sister would find this secret spot before the forest boy did.

"lo'ak, what are you doing here?" you asked him, trying to escape his grasp and wipe your tears at the same time. lo'ak was quick to grab hold of your hands, preventing you from moving away from him.

"mawey, y/n. just relax. i'm here for you, and you can cry all you want to, sevin. i am not going anywhere." his voice was so comforting as he pulled you back into his embrace. you just sighed as you felt another wave of tears coming to your eyes. so you cried it out, relieving every sob, scream, and cry you had ever kept in, and lo'ak stayed with you through it all. never once letting you go and never stopping his whispers of reassurance.

when your sobs died down again, you noticed he intertwined his fingers with yours. you hadn't noticed his hands before. you weren't aware, but your ears perked up a bit, and your tail started to rev to life a bit when you saw he had five fingers instead of four. you wordlessly detangled your hand from his, causing the boy's ears to fall flat to his head.

you noticed his hands. did you see him differently now? his thoughts started as a drizzle quickly forming into a hurricane, but when he felt both of your hands grab one of his pulling it closer to your swollen eyes so you could examine it better, he chuckled. he thought it was cute, seeing you fiddle with his fingers as your soft sniffles continued. if this was distraction enough to keep you from crying, then lo'ak would let you play with his hands 24/7.

you didn't know that lo'ak's hands were his biggest insecurity, so the way you played with them and looked at them with wonder and not worry made his heart swell. lo'ak had not thought his life would be turned upside down like this, being forced to move away from his home and learn new ways of life. he hated it. but willingly getting to know someone and maybe even starting to fall for her had to be the best thing on that list. lo'ak knew he liked you for a while but never made any advances as you were taken. even though he could've been treating you so much better.

he loved how your hands felt in his and how your smile brightened up an entire room. he loved how attuned to nature you were. you hadn't even realized the school of fish swimming around your ankles rested in the river before you. it was as if the animals were trying to comfort you, too, somehow being able to sense your distress.

“y/n. do not listen to him. he is nothing but a lowlife who derives pleasure from others' pain," lo'ak started ranting, not caring if you were listening. he just wanted to speak his mind. "you are beautiful, y/n. the most beautiful, strong, loving, kind, graceful na'vi i've ever had the chance to meet. if moving away from my home means i get to find a new home here, with you, i would fly, walk, jump, or crawl my way here a hundred times over. i would do anything to be with you properly. i want to heal you from that asshole's mistakes. i want to show you what it feels like to be loved. not because you are olo'eyktan's daughter. but because you are you."

his eyes remained focused on yours as he recited every word. but you could tell he wasn't speaking something memorized or forced; he was speaking from his heart. you could hear it, as if eywa herself was whispering it to you. but you were hurt. could you trust someone so soon?

almost as if he could read your thoughts, he spoke up again.

"i know your trust is weary right now, but let me prove it to you. i will court you properly, meet your parents officially, ask for their blessing, i–" lo'ak sighed, almost as if he didn't want to continue, but he did. "i'll even stop fighting with ao'nung." that got a laugh out of you.

"lo'ak, are you sure about that?" you asked, looking up at him through your tears, flashing the first genuine smile he had ever seen on you. he was amazed. if he thought your fake smile lit up a room, then your genuine smile could bring light to an entire clan.

"i would do whatever you want me to do, syulang. i just want to be with you. i want to love you if you'll have me. we can take things at your pace. i'm in no rush because, for you, i would wait forever," he yearned for you, waiting patiently to see if you'll accept him.

you couldn't find any reason not to. this boy had to have been sent to you by eywa. he was meant to be the remedy to heal your heart after this tragic breakup. you were crying, but they were tears of joy and relief. you were finally free. free to feel love. free to feel happy. free to be you.

in the heat of the moment, you felt something wiggling under the ground beneath your leg. looking down, you see a glow worm inching up your leg. most do not know, but since the metkayina spirit tree is underwater, these little glow worms come up from the sand or appear on or around you whenever eywa tries to give you a sign. they're the metkayina equivalent of a woodsprite.

you could only gasp at the sight of the tiny creature. so he really is eywa sent? you thought as you saw a glow worm crawling up lo'ak's shoulder. this caused you to laugh, seeing as he also noticed the glow worm on his shoulder and started to panic, trying to flick the bug off his shoulder without hurting it.

"kehe, don't do that," you said as you grabbed his hand to prevent him from hurting the poor thing. you carefully placed your hand in front of the glowworm, allowing it to crawl into your palm. you took lo'ak's hand in yours, facing his palm up to allow the glow worm to walk from your hand to his.

"what is this?" he asked as he brought his hand closer to his face turning it as the glow worm walked around.

"i've heard about omatikaya woodsprites from kiri. they are like that but for the reefs. they are sent from eywa, meant to be wordless messengers," you explained to the forest boy.

your forest boy.

lo'ak couldn't help but smile at you, processing the words you had said. as he spoke again, he held nothing but love in his eyes, "y/n, i see you. oel ngati kameie," he gently held your face in his hands to ensure you made eye contact with him as he said it to you. you cried even harder because rotxo had never said that to you. and you're glad he didn't because you wouldn't have been able to say this back,

"oel ngati kameie, forest boy."

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my dad to leave the room when my mom and I watch TV together?

I recently introduced my (F16) mom (F51) to a tv show and we watch it every few nights depending on how much homework I have. Our TV is adjacent to the kitchen so whenever my dad (M46?) is on the couch or in the kitchen he can see the TV (there’s nowhere else in the house we can put it). It makes me really uncomfortable when he’s there because he’s very judgmental of the show (it’s from the early 2000s and is kinda stupid sometimes but that’s part of why I love it).

For context, it’s one of my first forays into watching TV that isn’t on the kids version of Netflix (which is all for, like, seven year olds) because my parents are really overprotective. A few months ago I asked my mom what shows she would allow me to watch because I’ve grown out of the ones she allows and she told me I can watch I Love Lucy and Star Trek. These shows don’t interest me in the least, and I pretty much gave up on watching anything for my age after that. That’s why I was so happy to find something we could watch together that she allowed, but my dad is ruining it.

I’ve asked him politely multiple times if he could leave the room while we watch it because he’s unable to not insult the show (he considers himself a media connoisseur), and even when he stays quiet for the most part, just having him looking at the screen makes me anxious about what he thinks of the show and of me for liking it. He says he owns the house and deserves to be able to go wherever he wants. I don’t want him to feel like we don’t want him around, but I haven’t set any other boundaries with him before and he keeps trampling all over this one.

The other night he came into the room while my mom and I were watching the show and I snapped that I wanted him to leave because I’ve told him before this is something for just my mom and I to do. He started talking about how nobody ever wants him around and I felt really guilty. He was about to leave when my mom called him back into the room and told me that he has every right to sit with us, that he’s promised to be quiet, and that I was being ridiculous for making it such a big deal. But for the entire rest of the show I felt really upset that he was there and that they weren’t listening to me since I’d tried to tell them I wasn’t comfortable with him watching with us about five times already and had been brushed off.

I don’t want my dad to feel excluded - he has a lot on his mind due to his work recently, and the evenings are his time to destress. But he refuses to listen to me when I try to communicate. He and my mom always tell me I have to be quiet and calm down when I start raising my voice (I never yell) and speak out against them when I feel like they’re treating me unfairly. Maybe I’m blowing this out of proportion though - it’s just watching TV. I feel dumb for making it into this big of an issue in the first place when it really shouldn’t be.

What are these acronyms?

[moralesmilesanhour]

or can u write margo awkwardly admitting to miles she’s a bit weirded out whenever his parents are so nice to each other and her because she’s not used to seeing that, and miles comforting her (and maybe he feels sad for her) about that?

Flowerbyte fluff and angst all in one night golly gee...thanks for requesting!

escape.

“So, Margo,” Jefferson Morales began after saying grace. He dug into the vibrantly orange plate of rice and peas sitting in front of him. 

“How’d you and Miles meet? He never told us the specifics.”

Margo’s eyes flickered toward Miles, who gave her an encouraging thumbs-up.

Right. The cover story.

This was her first real dinner with the Morales family since being introduced. Usually, Rio would invite her to eat with them just before Miles interrupted and insisted that Margo “had to get home by six o’clock sharp” and ushered her out the door. This time, though, his mom insisted on having dinner early and won the battle.

“We met at one of those Alchemax conventions for, uh…kids in STEM? We had a really nice conversation and exchanged numbers.”

“They still have those?” Rio piped up as she took a seat with her own plate. “We used to beg Miles to sign up his freshman year. I didn’t think he actually went!”

She looked intently at her son as she said, “I keep telling him that it’s a great opportunity to look for internships before college.”

Miles looked up, and mirrored her tight smile.

“And I keep saying that I’ve done enough science internships to get me a job at NASA,” he replied through slightly clenched teeth.

Margo silently toggled her gaze between the two until Jefferson broke the silence with a cough.

“Anyway, you live far off? Miles tells us he doesn’t get to see you very often.”

“Yeah, I’m actually down in Atlanta.”

Technically not a whole lie; her parents were from Georgia, they just didn’t live there anymore.

…Savanna, Georgia.

Rio turned to Margo with wide eyes.

“Wow, that’s far! And you’re able to still keep in touch?”

“I keep saying to Miles, technology’s amazing,” Jeff laughed after taking a sip of water. “A few decades ago, you needed to write down people’s numbers in a little book. Now y’all got text messaging, Instagram, the Facebook–”

“It’s just ‘Facebook’, dad.”

“ –FaceTime, all these ‘faces’!”

Margo giggled at Miles’ weary expression as she shoveled spoonfuls (fork-fuls?) of rice into her mouth, saying nothing of the fact that in her world, half of the things that Jefferson had just listed off had become obsolete. People’s status updates tended to float above their avatar’s heads. Some didn’t even bother to exchange numbers anymore, preferring to ask for usernames instead.

“Margo, sweetie, do you want any fruit juice? I just remembered we still had some in the fridge.”

Before she could reply, Jeff interrupted with a wince. 

“Ooh. See, about that…I think I drank the last of it with breakfast this morning.”

Rio sighed and massaged her temples. “Jeff!”

“I didn’t know we were having company!”

“You always finish everything in the fridge before the week’s even over. You eat faster than Miles!”

“Whoah, why am I in it?”

“And I keep telling you to throw the carton away when you’re finished. Nobody in here listens!”

Margo felt a cold sensation in her chest. 

She nearly squeezed her eyes shut as the familiar sentence rang through the dining room, her grip on her fork tightening as Jefferson opened his mouth to respond. Miles saw her tense, but couldn’t get her attention. Her eyes were laser-focused on her plate.

“That’s my fault, honey. Tell you what, I’ll do the grocery shopping tomorrow to make up for it. How’s that?”

Like magic, the woman’s face relaxed and melted into a grin. 

“You’d better. I want Margo to have a nice time with us before she has to fly back to Atlanta.”

Jeff turned his attention to Margo.

“Y’know, speaking of Atlanta, I got some extended family down in Charleston, just a few hours from y’all. We used to send Miles down there for the summer when he was younger,” he chuckled, “Came back darker than me, and with an accent!”

Margo blinked. The argument was just…over? The speed at which they moved on gave her whiplash. 

She quickly forced a polite smile. “Uh, that’s cool.”

Rio chimed in, “We’ve been planning to send him down to P.R. this year instead, pick up some Spanish for a change.”

Miles was in the middle of finishing up his plate, and nearly choked on his rice.

“Mami, I know enough Spanish to get by,” he coughed. “I don’t think that’s–”

“Not the basic Spanish they’re teaching you at school, mijo. When we take you to family reunions, you can barely talk to your cousins!”

“I’m all for it. We got some great pictures from down South when he was eight–”

“O-kay! I think we’re both done with dinner,” Miles shot up and grabbed his now-empty plate, reaching over to take Margo’s as well. “Right, Margo?”

She snapped out of it and stood up herself. 

“Oh–um, sure! Lead the way.”

He hastily led her up the stairs as soon as he dropped their plates off in the kitchen sink.

“Come back down to wash those later!”

“Y’all behave up there!”

Miles looked at Margo and rolled his eyes as he opened the door to his room. Margo snorted.

“Nothing’s gonna happen, dad, I promise!”

Miles’ room managed to be full of stuff without feeling cluttered. There were empty crates stacked on top of each other that he used to prop up extra books or comics, but that gave the impression that he had built a neat fort around himself and the crates were mini skyscrapers. He had two huge speakers on either side of his window that he only used when his folks were out, and the soft neo-soul he played surrounded the room with bass and piano like a warm hug. Margo sat down on his bed, sinking into the mattress a little. She had always quietly envied the boy’s ability to create this second home-within-a-home for himself. 

The space next to her dipped as Miles laid down and stared up at the ceiling, his hands resting behind his head like he was on vacation. 

“Sorry if that was…a lot.”

“It’s fine.”

“My folks actually really like you, you know? That’s why they talk so much.”

Margo’s eyes flickered downward at his grinning face, and she smiled.

“I know.”

“Alright, just making sure. You just looked a little shaky back there, and you’re never that quiet.” 

He sat up and narrowed his eyes at her, jokingly placing the back of his hand on her forehead.

“You’re not sick, right? Don’t spread that shit to me, I got a test tomorrow–”

“You play too much,” Margo laughed, shoving his arm. “I’m not sick. Haven’t had a cold in months.”

Miles lowered his hand to rest partially on top of hers.

“So what is it, then?”

She paused, and spent a few silent seconds staring into the boy’s face. His expression sobered, the furrow in his brow a signal that now was not the time to lie. 

She tried anyway and said it was “nothing”, knowing that Miles wouldn’t believe her.

There was a strange sort of comfort to be found in the way he leaned in and said–

“Margo.”

“What?”

“You’re the worst liar I’ve ever met. Why do you keep doing that?”

Margo shrugged with a lopsided grin. “If at first you don’t succeed, right?”

Miles looked away for a second and kissed his teeth, but Margo could tell he had smiled.

She tapped his chin to gently turn his face back towards her.

“Okay, okay, my bad. I’ll tell you.”

He nodded, “Go ahead.”

“I thought they were gonna fight.”

“...Huh?”

“Your parents. At dinner. I thought they were about to fight, so I braced myself.”

Miles looked even more baffled. 

“Over juice?”

“Yeah? But then they just sorta stopped, so I got nervous.”

“I mean,” he shifted uncomfortably, “They fight sometimes, I guess. But they don’t, like…fight fight. Like, they make up after.”

Margo looked down and smiled at her socks. “My folks actually make up sometimes, too. It’s real cute. They sit on the couch and watch old movies together with popcorn, then they share some with me. It’s like a lil’ party for just the three of us.”

Miles chewed on his bottom lip. That was the most she had ever spoken about her parents; the only time he’d heard her mother’s voice was when the woman had yelled something in another room and Margo’s computer picked it up.

“So what do you do when they don’t? Make up, I mean.”

Margo hummed in consideration, kicking her feet back and forth before turning to Miles.

“Now I come here, I guess.”

This gave Miles pause. He remembered the first time he snuck out of the house - before he could climb walls. It wasn't to go to any parties, or to escape getting grounded. 

He went out just to draw. To get a breath of fresh air without a pair of eyes looking over his shoulder, even admiring ones. 

Whenever he got asked too many questions about his grades, or the music filtering through his headphones wasn’t enough, his room felt more like an enclosure that he needed to escape. It got smaller with every inch that his bed shrunk, until his feet were touching the edge. 

But this little box of a room was now Margo’s escape. And Miles wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

He nodded slowly. “That’s good. My mom needs an excuse to make arroz con dulce for somebody, so…”

Margo laughed, “I’m always happy to taste test for her.”

“I’ll make sure to tell her that.”

[bloofinntoona]

Dear Sebastian

Word Count: 1.9 k

Themes: fluff, hurt/comfort, a little angst, sebastian sallowxf!reader

Summary: every summer, you and sebastian write letters to each other.

Summer of Year Five

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Dear Sebastian,

I do hope you are faring well. To be quite honest, I was worried about you. I know the situation is not easy right now, but I believe that things will slowly get better.

The professors had me stay in Hogwarts for another week after the term ended. Headmaster Black was dumbfounded that such repository existed just under the school. My, I wished you’ve seen how stressed that made Gladwin Moon. He forgot about the Demiguise monkeys, and now he keen on learning more about the secrets of ancient magic. They decided to keep this a secret from the ministry. I think it’s for the best. I also promised Professor Fig that I would keep it locked inside.

My father asked me to stay in London during the summer holiday – he said not having me around these past months was rather odd. I’d say it was because nobody helped him prepare his supper after work. Sleeping in my own bedroom felt empty after being with friends at Hogwarts. I missed the shenanigans that I witness at school, and I do miss going on adventures with you.

I would love to hear back from you.

All the best,

[Y/N]

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Dear [Y/N],

I’m doing better, thank you for checking in on me.

Apparently, the people at Feldcroft told me that Anne decided to stay at St. Mungos. At least I know that she is cared for and safe. I still hope that there is a cure, and I will keep trying no matter what. The house never felt this vacant, even after my parents passed, I still had Anne by my side. Thankfully, one of my neighbours took pity and let me stay with them. If I help them with chores, of course. Better than empty house and cold nights, I suppose.

I can’t lie but I kept having nightmares about the cave. I kept seeing my uncle’s body on the ground again and again. Even worse, I saw the horror on everyone’s face after. I can’t seem to shake it off my head.

Thank you again for writing. I haven’t talked to Ominis again. I might have severed whatever bond we have left.

I wished I could visit London.

Best regards,

S.S

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Dear Sebastian,

I’m sorry to hear about your nightmares. I too kept replaying my fight with Ranrok in my head, and just how I wasn’t able to save the Professor that I look up to. Before I left, the professors gave me several bottle of Dreamless Sleep potion. I’m sharing a few bottles for you.

You would love London. I will take you to all of the bookstores here. I visited my favourite, just in front of the River Thames. That being said, I picked up a Herbology book for you. I remember you brought Shrivelfig Fruit to Anne that one time, maybe this book would help you learn more about other types of plants out there. I hope the owl delivers the package to you in one piece.

I also just received my O.W.Ls grade, and I scored an E. Not bad for a new student, eh? I had a hard time remembering all the charms, which means I really need to lay off from using my ancient magic. I rely too much on my power.

I sent a letter to Ominis as well. He also wished the sixth year can come sooner. The Gaunts House sounds dreadful. Oh, he visited Anne as well. He said she is doing better. She has you in her thoughts, but I told Ominis that you were taken care of, and she should focus on recovering.

Best,

[Y/N]

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Dear [Y/N],

You are far too kind. I don’t know how I could repay you. It brings me ease to hear about Anne and Ominis. It does give me a glimmer of hope that I can reconcile with them, in due time. The potion works wonders. I was finally able to have a decent sleep after months.

I have read the book. I can’t believe there are no sentient plants in the muggle world. How do they fight off their foes? I don’t understand. I might try to make some of the remedies written here and give them to Anne when I get to see her.

My O.W.Ls are not as great as I hopped. I passed, but the whole ordeal took the toll on me. Professor Weasley sent me a note that she is ‘disappointed’ because I’m a ‘bright student’. But worry not, I shall do better at my N.E.W.Ts.

By any chance you write to Ominis again, please tell him that I missed having him around. And I wished that we can talk again if he is ready.

Although I have to do this sodding farm work everyday, I was surprised to see the plentiful yield we got this year. I’ve sent you back some Dittany Leaves I personally planted myself – hope it helped you brew more Wiggenweld potions for your adventures.

I’ll see you soon at Hogwarts,

S.S

┕━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☝︎━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┙

Summer of Year Six

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Dear [Y/N],

What a school year it has been! If I may, I shall start this letter by saying thank you for being there for me. I don’t know what I would do without you. I hope your trip with Poppy to her grandmother is going smoothly, please do write back whenever you can.

I wanted to let you know that Anne wished to spend time with me this summer. I am overjoyed, packed my bags in a jiffy and went straight to St. Mungo’s. Anne never looked better, she said that the wizards who work there were able to create a spell that let her supress the pain. It still comes in bouts, but it wasn’t as painful as it was. She decided not to continue her studies in Hogwarts though, so I plan on sneaking more books, perhaps from the restricted section, to her when we are back.

I hope the injury that you sustained after your first Quidditch match is better. That daft Leander, knocking you from your broom just because he couldn’t keep his eyes away from you. I bet you ten galleons he has a crush on you. You should keep an eye out if he gives you anything edible, I’m sure they will be laced with Amortentia.

I look forward to hearing about your adventures.

Warmly,

S.S.

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Dear Sebastian,

What a year indeed. My arm is far better right now. And Leander got his punishment already from having his house score deducted. I think the hatred from Gryffindor students are enough. I shall keep note of not taking any edible presents from him.

Poppy and her grandmother are very pleasant hosts. I think I ate my lifetime worth of pumpkin pasties. I wished I can send you some, but the owl will surely eat them before they get to you. They took me to a Hippogriff den that she just discovered near the coast. You should see how adorable Hippogriff babies are, I just wanted to hug them all! Her grandmother graciously taught me how to approach magical beasts better, not just by floating them mid-air and stuff them in my bag. And guess what? I saw a black Hippogriff, just the one you said you’d like to fly on one day. Here’s a feather for proof.

I’m glad to hear that you can spend some time with Anne. Please tell her that I hope she is feeling better, and I do wish I can meet her again.

I am a bit worried about my N.E.W.Ts studies though, kept having dreams about failing it. I didn’t realize just how much I have to catch up again.

Thinking of you,

[Y/N]

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Dear [Y/N],

Such majestic feather – if I was there, I swear I will jump on its back and fly around the hills. Maybe I can have you flying next to me? I would love to fly around the highlands with you. I can show you this small forest that my parents used to take me. We would harvest many unique magical plants that you can’t find anywhere else.

If you’d like, I would love to help you study. We always have the Undercroft for ourselves and the Room of Requirements too, if Deek isn’t there to talk about the potions you’ve brewed. Call me your own personal tutor.

The big news that I have, is that Ominis finally went to visit Anne and I. As you knew, Ominis and I were able to chat and even joke around now. I told him that the was he looked gaunt after spending time with his family, and he didn’t appreciate that one bit. Anne seems happy to have him around. Frankly, I find it weird if Ominis has romantic feelings to my sister, but deep down I know he will truly cherish her. For that, I shall not intrude. Now it felt like things were back before the curse, but I wished you are here to join our little trio.

I don’t know if you have visited the hospital, but there are little shops just next to it. I saw this dragonfly brooch and thought of you – apparently the shop keeper said it meant happiness and new beginnings. How fitting. Hope you like it.

Yours,

S.S

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Dear Sebastian,

The brooch is beautiful, I immediately pin it on my jacket and wore it to an outing with Poppy and her grandmother. We had delicious dinner and butterbeer. They teased me for smiling whenever I look at it, but I am glad to have a piece of you wherever I go.

I can’t believe you had the gall to make fun of Ominis. Even I found that joke terrible, you egg. I’m happy to see you happy, Sebastian. And I shall take you on that offer to study together, Merlin knows I need it.

I shall travel back to Hogwarts with Poppy just few days before school starts. Looks like they just built a new train station and I’m able to be one of the first passengers – how lucky am I! Before we have to pack up, her grandmother took us to see Thestrals. I am sticking to my opinion that these are beautiful creatures, and misunderstood. I managed to feed and even pet them, they are such gentle creatures.

Everyday I hoped I can share these experiences with you. I cannot wait to see you again very soon.

All yours,

[Y/N]

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Summer of Year Seven

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My Dearest [Y/N],

Words cannot describe how much miss you. I'm writing to you back at my home in Feldcroft. The house is still empty, but I’m holding on to the memories that we made during the years in Hogwarts. I can’t believe it took me all this time to finally confess that I am utterly in love with you.

I know that you will do well in your future endeavours. All of your hard work in classes will be fruitful, especially since you achieved an amazing score at N.E.W.Ts – might I add that I contributed as your personal tutor? The ministry will be lucky to have you as an AUROR. I thought about doing the same, but looks like I can’t shake the thought of embarking the same journey as my parents to become a professor. Who knows, maybe I can actually find a cure for Anne in the future. Just promise me that you will be safe, as I don’t know what I will do if I lose you.

Nobody stood closer to me when I was in distress. Even when Anne and Ominis pushed me away, you believed in me. You made me realize that I can live a better life, and I will continue to do so. For you. With this letter, I vow to be a better man for you, a man that can stand next to you and you can depend on.

I’m glad you came to Hogwarts.

Forever and always,

S.S

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A/N: Aaaaah sorry for not updating as much these days! I'm having a writer's block especially thinking about the sequel to 'cross your heart'. But I appreciate all the support i get everyday <3

[vikings-til-valhalla]

Come meet your viking!

Wanted to update my intro post, so here goes nothin'!

Hey y'all, I'm Magnus! Gay trans guy (he/him) in my mid 20s. Autistic.

I began this blog ages ago, though I don't recall how long it's been around because time is a vortex and I'm too busy to count anymore. Anyway!

This blog is a place for anything Asatru and viking related. It's important to know that Asatru is an open practice, meaning all are welcome. And I mean ALL folks! Feel free to ask religious questions and advice, but know that Asatru is an individually practiced religion, and therefore nobody is an ordained professional, and I by no means consider myself an expert or professional on any level. I'm just some guy with a blog. That's it.

My Asatru journey began as a kid, at 15 years old, namely when I tried to call for some deity out there who'd answer my biggest questions about who I am and why I felt like a boy if I was a girl. Jesus sure didn't give me an answer, not after many years of asking, but when I reached out to Odin, terrified to stray from the religious path my parents set me on, I got my answer nearly immediately.

I came out as me. And my parents accept that, support me, and still help me to this day almost a decade later!

I find it comedic because I've tried to work with the Æsir and Vanir both, but traditionally Vanir worship was for more feminine folk, and Æsir worship for the masculine. I've been the rough and tough guy for as long as I can remember, always playing videogames that boys my age as a kid played, doing MMA, and all my clothes were from the boy's section. I thrive on my masculinity. And needless to say as a result, my Vanir worship has NEVER gone well. At all. But my Æsir worship? Yeah that's always yielded results and been helpful to me. So uhh... even the gods know I'm a man!! ;)

Know that on this blog, absolute zero bigotry or hate in any form will be tolerated. That means no misogyny, no misandry, no transmisogyny or transmisandry, no hate, no racism, no sexism, no religious oppression for any religion, no hate for the innocent whatsoever, no anti-feminism and no radical feminism especially trans-exclusionary (TERF). Any instances I find in reblogs, comments, asks, DMs, etc. will result in immediate bans without warning.

So! That's about it for the blog part! Love y'all, and I hope you enjoy the place!

Some cool things about me below the cut!

I'm an author! I've got 2 published books in paperback currently, with a third in the works being posted by weekly chapters on my Substack. Most of my works are high fantasy and space fantasy, but I never do any writing outside the fantasy and sci-fi umbrellas. I'm big on writing queer male stories, featuring men of adult age loving other adult men, but all characters in my writing regardless of gender or lack thereof, are assumed queer unless I state otherwise.

I'm unable to attend college for health reasons, but I plan to return when/if I'm able, and get a degree in ethics! I am HUGE on ethical practices in every aspect, love debating morality and ethics, I've studied the subject quite intensely over the 6 years I was in college, and it's been my passion besides creative writing, which I don't need a degree to do, but I will need certification if I wish to become a professional ethicist! So that'll be my degree someday, Odin and Tyr be willing! My experiences with transphobia, homophobia, and having grown up with a majority of my friends being Jewish and Islamic, has inspired me to fight for equal rights, safety, acceptance, wellbeing, opportunities, and freedoms for every single human being worldwide. I wish to someday leave this world better than when I arrived for all who have to keep going after me.

Before disability, I did MMA for 13 years. I had 2 teachers, but they split apart early on, and I stuck with the one. I'm still in contact with both! Seeing as I'm better now with my pain, I'm going next summer to join the local martial arts school by the other former teacher.

If you ever find me at a renfaire, you'll know me when you find the tiniest little beefcake guy dressed in furs and plate armor (I'm less than 5ft/150cm tall).

My absolute favorite type of music is metal. All types of metal! Mainly power, symphonic, folk, and death are what I listen to!

Favorite medias are: Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, D&D, Gravity Falls, Destiny, The Elder Scrolls, Transformers, Futurama, Pokémon, and anything Lego

I have an insanely huge cat who is my son. His name is Patron, said like the tequila, and as of September 2024 he's 17.6lbs of man. Here's a video of me and him for scale.

Feel free to ask about my cat son. Please ask about my cat son. I love him. He loves hugs and snuggles. I could write a whole novel on him if I had time. Patron is my whole world and life.

[buckysimp101]

Everything the Light Touches (18+) - Chapter Sixteen

Mafia!Bucky x F!Reader

chapter warnings: tension (of the semi-sexual variety), lil bit of thigh-riding (flashback), guns (nobody is hurt, it’s just practice, but thought i’d let you know just in case. also, i have no clue what kind of gun they’re using. i just know it’s a pistol)

a/n: hope you’re buckled in bestie boo, this chapter is where we’re gonna start seeing some of those *tensions* rise ;) 

Series Masterlist 

Your heart was pounding in your ears as you took in what Bucky was saying to you. He’d explained briefly the issue that had him running out of the apartment at a ridiculous hour but now he was speaking in hushed tones to Natasha at the door. You sat down on the couch, your ass hitting the cushions hard, as you realized what this meant. It meant that your parents had decided to go to war. To help Pierce. To betray you. A part of you knew you shouldn’t be so surprised to hear the lengths they’d go to for more power, but the thought that they would risk others lives made your stomach curdle. You were withdrawn so deep in your head you didn’t hear the door open and close behind Natasha as she left until you saw Bucky kneel in front of you. You chanced a look at him, almost regretting it as you saw the pain and the anger swimming in his oceanic eyes. Bucky was hurting. 

“Was anybody hurt?” You asked quietly, watching Bucky’s face for a tell of some sort to see if he was lying. His head shook vehemently denouncing the question which managed to lighten your stomach but only a little. 

“I meant what I said, Y/N. I will keep you safe. And if that means giving my life in the process then that’s what I’ll do.” His words were softly spoken, almost whispered as if he was unsure if you should hear them, and while he probably thought that what he was saying would bring about some sort of comfort it did the opposite.

Your whole body shivered at the thought of James Barnes laying down his life for you. You never wanted that. Never in a million years. And while you understood that Bucky is partially the reason you were in this mess now, you weren’t sure how you’d be able to make it if he gave up his life to protect you. But you didn’t have time to express those thoughts. Those feelings of intense doubt, guilt and fear. Because Bucky was reaching out to your hand pulling you up with him as he stood in front of you. Your breathing was labored, borderline panting if you were being honest, uncertainty filling your veins as you stood in front of the man you once loved and awaited his next move.

You were so sure that he was just going to tell you to go to bed and not worry about what was to come, about what had happened. So needless to say, you were pleasantly surprised when Bucky Barnes wrapped his arms around you and pulled you in for a hug. Your breathing caught in your chest as his smell assaulted your senses, the scent doing its best to drag you back into a time long past where you knew without a doubt that this man was your forever. You only hesitated slightly before wrapping your arms around his waist in response and leaning your head against his chest. The two of you stood there for what felt like hours but must have only been a few minutes. You managed to look up to find Bucky staring at you, a hesitant look in his eyes before he began to lean down to you.

Your heart stammered and your brain was on fire. IS HE GOING TO KISS US AGAIN!?!? WHAT IS GOING ON!! THERE IS NOBODY HERE TO PROVE IT TO. DANGER! DANGER! ALERT! ALERT! 

But he didn’t do that. Instead he touched his forehead to yours and closed his eyes, seeming to bask quietly in your embrace before softly speaking, “sweetheart, you will never know how sorry I am. For everything. For letting you go. For practically casting you aside. For forcing you into this life. I truly hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me one day though I doubt I will ever deserve your forgiveness. If it takes fighting the rest of my life for you to understand how truly sorry I am, I’ll do it.”

You could feel the movement of his lips at the top of your head as he pressed a kiss to your forehead before giving you one last squeeze and pulling away. You weren’t sure what to say, your words had been robbed from you in those last  moments and you merely stared up at him, your lips parting slightly in awe and slightly in fear of the future. He sighed heavily after looking at you, offered a squeeze to your waist and began leading you to your bedroom. Your heart was racing again, uncertainty filling you once again as he opened the door to your room and motioned for you to go inside. Your steps were hesitant but as you turned around you noticed he was still at your door, on the other side at that. Standing in his hallway Bucky leaned against the doorjamb with his hands tucked in his pockets before speaking again, “get some rest, you need it. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

And then he closed the door.

Bucky was gone.

You were alone. Alone with your thoughts. With your feelings. And with a potion of doubt and fear swirling in your stomach.

So you did the only logical thing.

You slept.

The next morning was busy in the apartment. Steve, Sam and Natasha had all shown up throughout the day to talk with Bucky as they planned their countermoves. You did your best to ignore them and focus on the last minute wedding planning, not wanting to know what they planned to do in retaliation. You finalized flowers over FaceTime, you clarified the time and place for the caterers, and you even managed to sneak in a call to Wanda when you needed a little help decompressing. You didn’t tell her everything. She didn’t need to be made aware of what had happened the night before and she certainly didn’t need to know the little feeling that kept popping up in your stomach whenever your eyes met Bucky’s. Hell, you didn’t even want to admit that a part of you was still attracted to him.

How could anyone not be attracted to James Barnes? When you were younger you stated it was scientifically impossible for someone to be unattracted to him. Maybe past you was right.

You quickly shook that thought out of your head as you heard the fading footsteps of the team walk out the front door. Most of the day had slipped away pretty quickly without you realizing and now Bucky was standing in front of you with his hand reached out, his eyebrow quirked at your unmoving body, signifying that he’d probably been standing there longer than you realized. You felt your cheeks warm as you took his hand and asked, “what’s up? Is everything okay?”

Bucky nodded curtly and responded, “I’m going to take you somewhere. With the threat that Pierce and his men pose we need to make sure you’re prepared. We’re not going to leave the building but there is a place for us to practice, if you’re willing?” He said the last part questioningly, as if to give you an out if you really didn’t want to do this. But you’d had enough of the damsel in distress act that you felt like you were giving off. If anyone was going to keep you safe it was going to be yourself. Tony Stark had taught you that. You nodded in agreement and Bucky took you to the back elevator, scanned a card and pressed a combination of floor numbers that took you down, down, down. 

When the elevator doors opened you noticed you were in a training room of sorts. It had been divided into multiple rooms for different purposes but that was ultimately what this space was. Bucky must have noticed the question in your eyes because he spoke as he led you out. “When my father and I bought this building we had this installed. It’s where we train new recruits, can’t exactly do that at a normal gun range or gym, and it’s nice to have a private space to…practice when you’re not exactly the most loved person in all of Manhattan.” He spoke sheepishly as he averted his gaze and rubbed his neck with his hand. When he led you into a room where the floor was covered in padded mats you noticed him taking his shoes off and walking toward the center of the floor before turning to face you as he crooked his fingers for you to go to him. You followed suit, taking off your shoes and walking towards him as you tied your hair up to get it out of your face.

There was a breath of silence before Bucky spoke again. “So, we’re here today to see what you’ve got. What we can improve on. What we can add to your arsenal of self-defense. I remember many years ago working with you on some things and thought, maybe you remembered some of it.” His ears were turning red and you could tell a part of him was a little embarrassed at the memory he was recalling. You smirked at that. You knew what memory he was recalling. You remembered it very well.

Ten Years Ago

“Okay sweetheart, now if someone grabs you like this,” he said wrapping his hands around your waist and pulling you tight against him, practically pulling you into the slow growing erection in his gym shorts, “what do you do?” His words tickled your throat as you squirmed in his arms, knowing the reaction you’d get from him. Bucky groaned in your ear causing you to giggle in return as he pulled you in tighter. “Stop that, you know what it does to me,” he growled causing you to laugh out loud this time.

“Jamie I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you breathed as you leaned your head to look at him, fluttering your lashes flirtatiously, pulling another low growl from his throat as he leaned down to kiss you hard. You reciprocated the kiss as he spun you to face him, slotting his leg into the part between yours that you had unconsciously given him access to. You rolled your body precariously against his legs drawing a moan from both your lips as he squeezed your hips a little tighter. “James Buchanan Barnes this is highly inappropriate, what would society say?” You teased against his lips before a breathy gasp ripped from your lungs as he used his hands to roll your body onto his thigh once more, so closed to where you wanted, no, needed him. You were both a panting mess as you parted, twin smirks on both your lips before you spoke again, “besides, in what world am I going to be attacked by someone grabbing my waist? Aren’t they more likely to like…strangle me or pin my arms or something? This seems like very inefficient training, sir.”

His lips twisted in a larger grin as he pulled you close and leaned down to press a kiss to your lips before growling, “oh I’ll pin your arms, sweetheart.”

You squealed and managed to wiggle your way out of his grasp as you took off across the training room in the basement of the Barnes house to evade your ‘captor.’ You could hear Bucky’s footsteps catching up with you as you attempted to bob and weave but you weren’t fast enough. You never were. He wrapped his arms around your waist and spun you into his arms before effectively pinning your arms to your side and smacking a hard and wet kiss on your lips.

“I love you, Jamie,” you panted into his kiss as he swallowed the words.

“I love you more, my beautiful girl. Always and forever.”

Bucky cleared his throat as his whole face was approximately the same color as a tomato now, he most likely had drifted off into the same memory as you. But before either of you could say anything that would make things more awkward than they were he cleared his throat once more and took a step towards you. Your breath caught before he spoke again, “so. Tell me what you remember or what you’ve learned in self-defense. And we’ll see where to go next. Okay?”

You nodded your head and wracked your brain thinking of all the times that Tony had sent you and Wanda to self-defense classes, or provided them for you himself at the mansion with Pepper. One thing about Tony Stark? He was always prepared. And he wanted to make sure you were as well. A part of you wondered if Bucky was expecting you to use the moves he’d taught you once upon a time, because believe it or not that training session ten years ago had been a little valuable. But you decided to show him something new. You felt the beginnings of a smirk grow on your face as you motioned for Bucky to come towards you.

“Here, stand behind me and wrap your arms around mine. You want to try to capture me, your goal is to immobilize me, okay?”

You noticed something cross his eyes before his own devious smirk grew but he nodded anyways and walked around you slowly, almost menacingly and wrapping his arms around yours holding you in place. He scent almost consumed you yet again but you shook your head and re-focused. You knew what you were going to do. But you were pretty sure Bucky didn’t.

“Okay, so to get out of a hold like this. All I’m going to do…is sing.”

“Wha-“

He didn’t have time to finish his question when you began to move, “solar plexus!” You jabbed him in the gut with your elbow, a surprised grunt coming out of him before you continued, “instep!” You stomped on his foot, causing him to let go of you completely in surprise. You noticed the threads of recognition beginning to form in his surprised eyes but you continued, “nose!” You reached up to try and punch his nose but he was able to calculate the next step and caught your wrist instead, but not before you tried to lift your knee to his groin for the last and final step, causing him to twist away from the line of fire and dropping your hand in the process. You took a step back, grinning from ear to ear as you watched him try to shake off the pain from the solar plexus jab and the instep stomp. Your breathing was a little heavier with adrenaline, his from pain, and that’s when he spoke, albeit a little breathy.

“Miss Congeniality? Really?” He teased but his tone was full of adoration. You merely grinned and shrugged in response.

“Sandy Bullock taught me everything I know.”

A hush fell over the training room, silence engulfing the two of you as you worked to breathe normally again. And then it was full of a deep belly laugh. One that warmed you from the inside out. One that you swore could make the sunshine on the darkest most dreary day. Bucky Barnes’ laugh was like the universal medicine to every ailment. And damn if a part of you didn’t light up at hearing it again.

It was also addictive. And contagious. Because next thing you know the two of you were doubled over in a laughter that was close to becoming hyperventilation. Tears were falling from your eyes as you attempted to recover from the impromptu laugh fest. You both managed to catch your breath but avoided eye contact. You had a history of not being able to take each other seriously after laughing that hard. 

“Okay, what next?” You spoke up first, hoping to get off the mat and maybe even put a little distance in between you and Bucky. He cleared his throat and shifted his weight a little as if he were uneasy about the next step.

“Well, it seems like you’ve had no shortage of hand to hand self-defense lessons in the last decade. But now it’s time to see how you can handle a gun.”

Your body shivered at what he was implying. Without so many words, he’d told you that there could come a time in the not-so-distant future that you’d need to shoot a gun to protect yourself. You merely nodded your head in response and headed off the mat to put your shoes back on and walk towards the gun range you’d seen upon entering the space. There were two targets set up already, awaiting your practice. You focused on your breathing. While you weren’t afraid of using a gun, it had been a very long time, but you weren’t about to tell Bucky that. In fact, a part of you was interested to see how this would go. Interested to see if he knew anything about your time in California other than working for Tony. 

That right there should’ve been a tip. You’d practically been adopted by Tony Stark, his weapons supplier, years ago. While you didn’t know that Tony was the Barnes supplier then you did know how to fire a gun. That was another case of Tony making sure you knew how to defend yourself no matter what. 

Bucky followed you into the range, handing protective ear and eyewear to you as he went to grab the pistol and bullets you’d be using. You were so focused on your breathing that you didn’t feel his presence as he walked up behind you. Your breathing stuttered as you felt Bucky step into your space before reaching around to position the pistol in front of you.

“This is what we’ll be using today. I’ll tell you all the places in the apartment you can find them in case you ever need it. And I always carry one on my person and have one in the car. Nod if you understand.”

You nodded.

He whispered, “good girl.”

You gulped.

He continued. 

“This is how you load it,” he showed you by taking your hand slowly and putting it around his, “make sure the safety is on. Do not turn the safety off until you’re ready.” He spoke right next to your ear and his words were making goosebumps form along your neck and spine. You nodded again. He continued after loading the gun for you. He took one hand off the gun and maneuvered yours so you were holding it, with his clasping around yours to guide you. He continued going slow to teach you the proper way to stand, to hold and when you were ready, he put the protective gear on you and showed you how to pull the trigger. The first time he told you to shoot he stood pressed against your back, taking most of the shock of the recoil with his body practically wrapped around yours.

Your senses were heightened to a level they’d never been before. You could hear every breath he took, feel every swallow, sense every time he ran his tongue over his lips, his nervous habit. After a couple rounds you felt him step back, giving you the chance to do it on your own. You flipped the safety back on before turning slowly to meet his gaze. Bucky was staring at you with what you could only describe as burning hunger blazing in his eyes. You watched him gulp down a deep breath as you made eye contact with him while reloading the gun, not even needing to look at it. You knew what you were doing. And it had nothing to do with what Bucky Barnes had taught you. You walked to the neighboring bay, the whole while maintaining eye contact with Bucky as he licked his lips, the slip of his tongue looked somewhat enticing. NOPE. NO IT DOESN’T. NUH UH GIRLIE. WE ARE NOT DOING THIS TODAY. NO MAAM.

You turned slowly, trying to shake off the burn of his gaze before looking down your new target, getting in position, and unloading the entire gun into the target without hesitation. You admired your work from afar before turning slowly to meet his gaze. You were thrilled with the disbelief in his eyes. His mouth agape and his eyes wide, you turned the safety back on, handed him the gun and walked around to fetch the target sheet. There were a number in the ring just around the bullseye, or what was left of the bullseye. You’d hit it so accurately it didn’t exist anymore. It was completely obliterated You handed the paper to Bucky before taking off your gear and beginning to walk towards the elevator without him.

“Thanks for the lessons, Jamie,” you smirked as you pressed the button for the floor to his penthouse, leaving a shocked Bucky in the gun range with his jaw touching the floor.

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[assjuice4ever]

One of my rants on the fic I want to write.

In this one Suguru is leaving the school forever but he meets you. Suguru is a bit dense, he likes you but he doesn't understand it. You like Satoru, you're not in love but it's the first person you really care about since forever.

I've described the eyes without thinking. Sorry but I'm not deleting that.

Suguru wasn't really sure on how to take you. He was planning on leaving school by tomorrow without saying any goodbye, Satoru wasn't there, Shoko was studying, he thought you wouldn't care and nobody would notice until the next day. After his parents would be found dead.

But when he passed near you he felt the chilling sensation of your gaze.

You rarely watched people, you usually had this unfocused glaze. He would have sweared on God that you needed glasses to see and that your eyes were of a pale black. For the longest time Suguru the sensation that you were unable to discern his face.

Until you watched him for the first time.

Your eyes were like a black hole, attracting him with a unfightable pressure, not even light escaped them. They were terrific. No light shined on them. They only thing breaking the pitch black were blood red streaks.

He always wondered how Satoru could just walk to you and talk as if it was nothing when you watched him. Maybe it was thanks to his dark black glasses, or maybe because he was the strongest.

Suguru wasn't able to do that. Even talking to you became difficult, his legs started to give up and his heart thundered in his ears, telling him how dangerous you were.

-What are you going to do? - You knew already that he was going away. It didn't surprise him. Satoru always called you stupid because you couldn't understand how cursed energy and techniques worked yet Suguru wasn't sure if he ever saw somebody else as smart as you in his whole life. He needed some time to understand how different you were, you weren't smart as him or Satoru, but you were able to understand people on a deeper level. What they wanted, what they were going to do, their quirks and their thoughts with a simple look. He always felt naked in front of you because you knew perfectly what was going on with his mind. Everybody else just got fooled by your harsh and rude behaviour.

Suguru inspired before sitting near you on the school staircase. If it was you then maybe he could be understood.

-I want to leave the school. I can't stand anymore how we are dying for the sake of people who don't know us and that wouldn't hesitate to kill us to save themselves. How can we go on like it's nothing while our friends are dying one after the other? - The imagine of the old men smiling over Riko's dead body never left his mind. He was being folded by the weight of his companions death. What were their meaning? Why didn't they have the right to live a normal life? Yu was young, too young to die. He remembers him telling everybody on the canteen that he was trying to save money to buy his sister a ticket for her favourite idol. He was still unable to cook an omurice without burning something and now he was dead. Five feet underground. Being eaten by worms while slowly decomposing. What was the meaning of his life? Why he had to die for somebody else?

It was breaking Suguru and pulling him apart.

Yet you didn't say anything. You just watched him in silence.

-Why don't you come with me? I'll need strong people, and you don't care about the pleb. - He asked. He had to try. You were strong, unpredictable, but he knew you weren't enslaved by the jujutsu rules. You obeyed only to yourself. He couldn't ask better companionship other than you.

-I don't care about the pleb. - You answered. You weren't watching him anymore now, your eyes were lost in the night. -I don't care about sorcerer too and I don't feel like fighting for somebody else ideal.-

Suguru felt a hint of disappointment but he tried again, you were too precious to just leave there without trying. If you were with him, maybe, wherever he was going, then he could stand a chance even if he crossed path with Satoru. The idea of doing that was abhorrent but he wasn't so hopeful to believe that Satoru would be just okay with it.

-Are you okay in living in a world that doesn't value our life? - He asked.

You laughed. It was a pretty laugh, one he didn't really heard from you frequently.

-Does my life have any value? - You asked back to him, your face closer to his, he could feel the heat of your body. -Or is my power that has value?- Your skin smelled of lemon and sugar, you voice was low and slow, dragging the words out.- Or maybe is my body? - You wondered while biting your lower lips, Suguru eyes fell onto it automatically. He swallowed air, his mouth dry.

Then you straighten your back, distancing yourself from him.

-Sorcerer or not, if they die I don't care. I'm here just because it's comfortable for me. - You stated coldly. -I like having a bed, food and everything else.-

Suguru adjusted himself, breathing slowly to calm himself, he wasn't prepared to have you so near. His hands were trembling a little. He knew you and your family were in a strange relationship, he could understand your disinterest in helping them, but did you really not care at all about people in the school?

-What about me, Shoko or Nanami? What if we died? - He asked.

-Maybe I would be sad. - You answered with a shrugh.

-And what about Satoru? - Your body went rigid. It stung how you only reacted to his name. Your face slowly morphed in a mask of anger, as if you never thought about him until that moment.

-What about Satoru? - You asked back. Your tone sarcastic and full of venom.-Do you really feel like asking me about what would I feel if he died, when you are the one breaking his heart? -

Suguru closed his mouth. It was true. The idea of Satoru dying for the sake of the argument was as unlikely as the world ending in that exact moment thanks to a meteor. Maybe the meteor was more probable. But breaking Satoru heart, that was going to happen. No matter what he did. He couldn't be there anymore for Satoru, not if he wanted to free himself and the other from the chain of that world. Not if he wanted to be happy again with his friends. He needed to break his heart for now. But it was hypocrite for him to ask about your feeling for Satoru when he was the one planning to hurt him.

They stayed there in silence for an hour, maybe two, watching the stars. The night sky was clear. You breathed so slowly that sometimes he watched you with the corner of his eye to see if you were sleeping but you weren't. It was the first time he was so near you, and you were so calm and silent.

-You don't want to come? - He asked again.

-No. -

-You don't want to change my mind? -

-Would it work? - You asked back.

-No. - It was a whole year were he dwelled up on that idea, where he worked on it but always stopped himself from doing anything. Now it was too late to stop him. Maybe, if things went differently, if he never met the girls, now he would be in his dorm room sleeping but he couldn't do that. Not if he wanted to watch himself in the mirror every morning, not if he wanted to be true to himself.

-Then I won't try. - You answered back.

He stayed there until sunrise. When the sun rays started to paint the world red and your hair stated shining under the sun.

He got up and watched you and you watched back. He thought about sayings goodbye, about saying to you to take care of Satoru but he stoped. Did he have a right to say that to you?

-Take care. - You said to him, breaking the silence and Suguru could only smile back.

-Take care. - He answered before walking away from you, from his life, from Satoru.

[inklessletter]

I can't get out of my head this steddie fic prompt, but I don't think I'm going to have time to turn this into a proper fic, so I'll put what's been bugging me in here.

Modern AU, singledad!eddie is being convinced by his hyperactive, seven year old daughter Max to join this dancing class downtown because all his friends are there and apparently they're having a blast a couple times a week (not that she cares about silly dances, of course). And Eddie is mesmerized because he's tried for her to take up anything that helps her channeling all her energy but she never agrees to do anything, and what she's tried out before, it didn't do much for her. But Eddie thinks that it might be a good sign, (mainly because it's Max who's asking for it) and when he takes her to the studio, enter danceteacher!steve, high five-ing every kid coming in, and has this killer smile to every parent dropping their kids there.

So Eddie goes to talk to hot teacher Steve and sign Max up for a trial class, Eddie still being a little bit skeptical about if this is going to work for her daughter, so Steve invites Eddie to stay behind the glass, to take a coffee and judge for himself. And it's then and there that Eddie realizes that Steve is incredibly good with kids, he makes them engage, they are having fun, and they are all monkey-ing around, jumping, spinning, singing songs, focusing (at times), laughing out loud.

But Max, poor thing, has two left feet, and she seems so lost. Eddie can almost feel the anger building up in her because she's not really able to follow up the class. His friends and Steve try to help her, going slow, doing it easy and fun, but Max is short tempered and she ends the class almost in tears.

With a sigh, Eddie figures that's the first and only class Max is taking, reading after her mood, so he thanks Steve, and Steve tells him to come back anytime. But Eddie is shocked to the core when he sees the following day that Max is practicing the routine in her bedroom. She doesn't want to quit.

So she finally joins the class officially and Eddie gets used to staying and watching for a bit when the classes start. Both Eddie and Steve would be dirty liars if they denied that they developed a dynamic by engaging through the glass, sharing funny faces, eye rolls, secretive smiles and winks that has Eddie's ears blushing, when after a few weeks coworker Robin (who doesn't teach because she can't dance for shit but manages the place) tells Eddie, out of the blue, that Steve also give dancing lessons for adults, of almost any kind of dance, in case he's interested.

But Max is doing so well now, and Eddie doesn't want to jeopardize this in favor of giving in to his attraction for Steve, so, for Eddie, longing looks and this sweet dynamic is all he's going to get.

And the thing is, it is not even that secretive anymore. All moms there are invested in this story now, because they've seen too.

So after a few months, it's Lucas' birthday and the whole bunch are celebrating after class in the next door mall, in laser tag, and the angel that is Mrs Henderson promises to take care of Max, that he can have a couple free hours if he's up to it.

That's how Eddie decides to stay in the dancing studio, because even if he can't date Steve, he can talk to him, right? Or have a coffee together, or—

—or he can stand and gawk at the door of the class, watching Steve dancing on his own a smooth latin rhythm, like it's nobody's business and Eddie has never had felt so hypnotized by anyone since he witnessed the cheerleading routine back in highschool and fell in love with Max's mom right that instant.

And it's happening again, but he's not in highschool anymore.

He has a kid now.

A kid who is happy there, and nothing should change that.

Nothing, until Steve notices Eddie standing and wordlessly invites him to the dance floor. It's not until he's corrected Eddie's stance that he explains that this is a dance for two.

Hands in his hips, he teaches Eddie the basics, and fuck if leading in a dance whose partner doesn't know anything about isn't Steve's hidden talent. After a while, Eddie feels like an extension of Steve's body, and the lines that he shouldn't be thinking of crossing start getting blurry, especially when Steve pulls him closer with a hand in the small of his back, over and over again, or the heat of their bodies mixing, or the sound of embarrassed cackles coming from Eddie from time to time after Steve's praises, or the sweet scent of Steve's breathing colliding against Eddie's chin because they're this close while dancing in the dim lights of the lonely studio.

There's nowhere to hide now, the attraction is almost tangible, but Steve's a professional and Eddie is willing to sacrifice this schrodinger relationship if that makes Max happy.

But he can take up dancing classes with Steve, especially when he tells him, once the steam is off, that Eddie definitely has dancing skills.

So Eddie talks to Max if it's okay, and he's so surprised when she immediately agrees because she can be doing homework, or playing with Lucas and Dustin while he's in his classes, so, Eddie decides to torture himself a little bit more and joins in.

It's in the dancing lessons where they speak, where they get to know each other. It's where Eddie learns about Steve's idiotic sense of humor, or his dreams of having a big family because he loves kids, but it's hard for him because he can't really have them. It's where Eddie tells Steve about Chrissy's sickness, and her passing when Max was four and the little one became his whole world. It's when Steve invites Eddie and Max to have dinner at home someday, and Eddie agrees.

And it's there, at Robin and Steve's house that he learns that Steve really cares about Max, cooking her favorite meal, when she only mentioned once like three months ago. It's when he learns that Max is so comfortable with Steve's presence that she's not cranky a single minute of the evening, and Steve complies to play rummy because it's Max's favorite game after dinner. And she's laughing, and happy, and carefree whenever she's with Robin and Steve. 

And then, Eddie knows that he's fucking fucked, because he's in love with Steve.

So he has to make a decision and on their way home, he tells Max that he's thinking about dropping dancing lessons with Steve, and he's stunned when she asks why, horrified, telling him that she thought he liked Steve. And Eddie, honest to god, tells her that he does like Steve, a lot. And maybe he shouldn't be telling his seven year old all of this, but Max is his best friend, and he has been feeling lonely and heartbroken for so long, he has no desire to keep anything from her, even if she's too young to understand the magnitude of the problem here. So when Max simplifies everything by saying "if you like Steve, why don't you date him? He's nice, I like him, too. And Robin," Eddie can do no more but to ask her if she would be okay with letting Steve come into their lives, and Max is kind of weirded out by the question. It's when Eddie has to explain, in the middle of the street, kneeling before her, that he would never do anything, or let anyone come in their lives if she isn't comfortable with it, because they're a team and Max is his most favoritest person and she always will be, so of course he's going to ask her if any changes in their lives would be okay with her. And Eddie doesn't want to cry, and he manages, but his eyes are definitely glassy when he grabs Max's cheeks and tells her with a smile that he just wants her to be happy. But he can't control a tear falling down, when Max replies with a simple, yet hammering "but I want you to be happy, too, dad."

And it's with Max's approval and a heart full of love for her kid when in the next class, Eddie invites Steve to dinner at home, and Steve asks him if it's really okay. Eddie tells him with a full smile that it's okay for everyone. And Steve is excited because he's been hopeful for so long for it to be.

So they finally, finally kiss, and it’s absolutely magical.

It’s magical for them, and it’s magical for Robin, who is watching from outside, next to the seven or eight moms with their respective kids with their faces smashed against the glass pulling a mix of disgusted and excited and surprised faces.

Max is rolling her eyes. With a smile, though.

They are oblivious to this until wonderful Mrs Henderson yells “yay, finally!” and they are startled by the applause and whistling coming from them.

[rainbow-flavoured-skittles]

Hey Mom, Dead Mom

Chapter 2: No more playing daddy’s game, I’ll go insane if things don’t change

I suffered for this chapter. it was fighting me every single step of the way but it’s finally finished. I can rest now. this isn’t as dark as the last chapter but Cole is running away in this, so it’s still not very happy. also I did indeed make a couple of random ocs because how else was I supposed to advance the plot? they’re not returning any time soon. as always, this is cross posted to ao3

~

Cole got on the plane to MOSPA at exactly eleven in the morning on a Sunday. He traveled alone — Dad was unable to come with him. Other people at the airport gave strange looks to the unaccompanied twelve-year-old, reminding him of the looks he got after Mom died. “Oh, why is that little boy all alone? So strange,” and then they’d go about their day, not giving him a second thought.

The flight attendant in front of him right now was doing just that. “No parents?” She asked, face mildly concerned. 

Cole shook his head. “I’m going to visit my grandma, but Dad couldn’t come,” he lied. Cole was good at lying. He’d done it a lot these past few years; you couldn’t take care of yourself the way Cole had without at least some lying.

The attendant gave him a small smile. Maddy, her name tag read. “Well, if you need anything, just call.”

“Okay, thanks, Ms.”

Maddy nodded and continued walking, greeting the other passengers. Cole fidgeted in his seat. The fabric covering it was itchy and the seatbelt was too tight. The man sitting next to him scrolled through his phone, music blaring loudly, and the old lady behind him was snoring. Not even off the ground yet and this flight was already torture. Cole resisted the urge to groan.

It was only a two hour flight, Cole could do this. But he hated planes so much — always had. Not being on the ground made him feel ill, and every bit of turbulence was terrifying. At least he had the window seat, though that didn’t do much to soothe his nerves. Being able to see how high up he was might make Cole feel worse. 

The crackling of a speaker interrupted his panicking. The sounds it made were loud and screechy. “Please fasten your seatbelts and put all devices on airplane mode. We will be taking off shortly,” the announcements said. 

Finally. Cole dug through his backpack and found his book. Fish in a Tree, the title read. He’d found it at the school book sale but had never gotten around to reading it. Now was his chance.

He’d barely gotten past the first chapter before they took off. Cole actually felt it when they did — it was like getting severed from a part of him. He felt sick, though throwing up wouldn’t achieve anything. It would probably make him feel worse. Cole settled for putting the book down and staring blankly at the seat in front of him instead. He wouldn’t be able to focus on the book, or anything at all, not when his stomach was lurching so badly.

Just two hours, he told himself. Then I can collapse on a bed and sleep. He repeated those words over and over like a mantra. 

~

As it turned out, Cole was not able to immediately sleep once he arrived at MOSPA, because he had to check in. Check in, as if the school was a hotel. Or maybe a prison, which would be much more accurate.

“It’s great that you’re here, Nicholas,” the secretary smiled cheerily as she typed on her computer. “I’m sure you’ll love this school. We’re all one big family.”

Yeah, right. Every time a school said that they didn’t mean anything by it. In fact, it meant there was probably all sorts of bullying that went ignored. “It’s just Cole, not Nicholas. Nobody calls me that,” Cole said. He hated his full name — who agreed to let his grandfather pick it out? ‘Nicholas’ was an old-person name from at least a hundred years ago.

“Okay, then, Cole. I’ve got your dorm number and schedule here,” the secretary printed out a sheet of paper. “Do you need a map of the school?”

Cole shook his head. He had spent some of the flight looking at the floor plans and they were seared into his brain at this point. “I’ll be fine, thank you,” he hurried out before she could offer to have someone show him around. He didn’t want that kind of forced social interaction.

The dormitories were not hard to find, not with the giant sign that pointed to where they were. Cole opened the door, cursing when it was stuck, and shoved everything to the side before closing it again. He didn’t see a roommate anywhere, but it was a weekend, so everyone was probably out. That was good, it meant he had a couple hours alone; he could use the time to unpack and explore the school.

Cole shoved all his clothes into the closet and shoes under the bed. MOSPA had a strict uniform policy, so he wouldn’t be able to wear any casual clothing, nor his combat boots. That was a shame — he really liked those boots. They had served well when he got into fights. And they added another sorely needed three inches to his height, another advantage.

Any books that he’d brought were put onto the desk. Items such as stationery and notebooks were placed in drawers. Miscellaneous trinkets were placed in a box under the bed and his toiletries in another box. Cole pushed the suitcases into the corner. There wasn’t anywhere else to put them, but he’d figure it out later. Right now he wanted to take a nap and not wake up for a month. Screw exploring the school, he could do that tomorrow.

Cole closed the curtains, pulled the covers over his head, and went to sleep. 

~

MOSPA, as Cole found out in the span of a month, was its own special brand of hell. The students there hated Cole for always messing up and acting strange, as if grieving for a loved one was something to make fun of. The teachers hated him for not talking or making eye contact and always zoning out. Everybody seemed to agree that he was the weird kid who should be avoided at all costs. His roommate, a kid named John, disliked him enough that he asked to be put in a different dorm.

“Thanks for messing up again, Brookstone,” one of his classmates sneered. Brant Green, yet another asshole who existed to make Cole miserable. “You ruined the whole performance.”

It hadn’t been Cole’s fault. Another student had purposefully tripped him, causing him to fall and knock over several people. “Yeah, I did. What’s your point?” He tried not to flip off Brant. That would just cause more trouble, trouble he couldn’t risk. The teachers hated him enough already.

“How’d you even get into this school? I thought you needed to have talent to get in,” Brant spat. 

“Do I look like I want to be here? I hate this place,” Cole stood up and glared at the taller boy. Brant was a good head taller than him, unfortunately.

Brant didn’t seem to know what to say to that. Perhaps he’d thought Cole was going here willingly, though how he’d come to that conclusion was a mystery. He gave Cole another sneer and walked away.

Cole rolled his eyes and went back to his lunch. For all its faults, at least this school had good food. The chicken salad was pretty tasty.

A large group chattered next to him. One of them gave him the side eye. “That’s the Brookstone kid,” she said, loud enough for Cole to hear. “His dad’s a Royal Blacksmith. Isn’t it weird how he didn’t get any of the family talent?”

Cole scowled and looked down at the table. He stabbed his lunch with more force than was needed.

“Nicholas Brookstone to the office, Nicholas Brookstone to the office,” a speaker sounded. All eyes turned to him. Cole looked down at the floor and wondered if he could just die right there in the cafeteria. It would save everyone a lot of trouble.

A kid coughed from the table in front of him. Awkward, Cole thought. What had he done this time? There wasn’t anything recent he’d done to warrant this.

It took five minutes for the school to realise he wasn’t moving any time soon. They all went back to their conversations, and Cole snuck out the side entrance. He had always been good at going unnoticed.

Cole walked through the halls briskly and knocked on the office door. He was let in by the guidance counsellor, a lady in her forties with platinum blonde hair. “Nicholas, we need to talk about your behaviour,” she said as they sat down.

“I haven’t been in any more fights,” Cole said. It was true.

“Your teachers say that you don’t pay any attention in class and that you’re not following instructions. It has nothing to do with your peers.”

“I’m trying my best, okay?” Cole snapped. Why couldn’t anyone just listen for once? He was trying, he’d been trying for ages.

“Then how come your grades are so low? This is one of the top arts schools in Ninjago, Nicholas. We expect better.” The counsellor had a mask of false concern on. Cole kind of wanted to punch it off. 

“It’s not Nicholas, it’s Cole. And I am trying,” Cole gritted out. 

“Your grades are barely scraping fifty percent.”

“So?”

The counsellor frowned. “If you don’t start doing better, you may get expelled.”

“Would that be such a bad thing?” Cole said under his breath. Then to the counsellor, “I’m sorry. I’ll do better.” She might be suspicious of the sudden change of pace, but Cole couldn’t care less. He just wanted to get out of the office.

The counsellor nodded and fixed her glasses. “That’s all for today, Nicholas. You can go to class now.”

She didn’t even bother to get his name right. “Thanks,” Cole marched out the door.

~

Cole stared down at his exam results and wondered if he was dreaming. Forty percent average, the paper said. A fail. He’d managed to do so badly that his average wasn’t even fifty.

Dad’s going to kill me, he thought. Dad expected at least nineties, and this definitely wasn’t it. He’d be grounded until his thirtieth birthday, if he lived that long.

The only subject that had above sixty was visual arts. The teacher for that class was nice — he understood Cole’s struggles and gave him all the time he needed. It wouldn’t make Dad overlook all the other failures, though.

The paper crinkled under his grip. Cole blinked the tears out of his eyes and shoved the paper into his folder. His classmates were conversing all around him, comparing grades and bragging about what they’d gotten. The teacher sat at her desk on the computer. Nobody would notice if he went to the washroom and never returned, hopefully.

Cole got up and walked to the front. “Ms. Jackson, may I please go to the washroom?”

The teacher nodded distractedly and waved her hand. “Yes.”

Cole grabbed his belongings and slipped out the door. He hadn’t taken a hall pass, not when the teacher would notice it missing. She wouldn’t know he was gone, but she would notice the hall pass. The teachers here were strange like that.

He opened the door to his dorm and collapsed on the ground. How was he going to explain his grades to his dad, much less the teachers? He could already hear the lecture. “Your mother would be so disappointed in you, Cole. What happened to all that potential?”

Then again, Dad didn’t pay attention to him. Cole doubted he even remembered that he existed; Dad was too busy partying. Maybe he could burn the report card and pretend it didn’t exist.

Or… Cole’s thoughts drifted to a snide comment Brant had made a few months ago. “Why don’t you just run away? Nobody would miss you — we’d be happy to see you gone.”

Cole had ignored him at the time. It was just another uncreative insult from the stereotypical bully. But it wasn’t exactly a bad idea. As strict as the school was, Cole knew all the weak spots in its system. It was easy to sneak out and never return. And he’d been thinking about leaving and never coming back for ages. This was just the final straw.

“All right, then. Guess Brant gets his wish,” Cole said. No one responded, of course — he was all alone. But talking to himself was a habit. Cole got up and went to the closet, finding the duffel bag he used to use for camping. He blew the dust off and packed anything that seemed useful. A flashlight, multiple sets of clothes, a reusable water bottle, that box of granola bars he’d bought a month ago, all the cash he had.

More food would need to be picked up from the school cafeteria, he decided. And he’d need to find a sleeping bag somehow. But everything else was ready. Cole could leave during the night — he refused to call it running away, he wasn’t running from anything — it was easier that way. This was the best option, he told himself.

Cole snuck out as soon as it was dark. He didn’t need to avoid any roommates, thankfully — anyone who’d been placed with him had moved out. It took a few minutes for him to write a letter to Jay. His best friend didn’t deserve to have him disappearing without warning, though they hadn’t been best friends since before Mom’s death. He put it in the outgoing mail on the way out, sealed with a blue sticker. Jay would know what that meant.

He took the back exit and walked down the road to the bus stop. The city’s streets were dimly lit, people rushing past him to get home. A couple looked at him curiously but didn’t stop him. A drunk man sat down next to him on the bench as they waited. Dogs barked in the distance and a truck drove past. It was peaceful, Cole thought. The most peaceful he’d been in a while.

The bus arrived just after midnight. Cole got on and paid for a ticket to the next town over. He could find a sleeping bag and extra clothes there, and the further away he got the better. He was finally leaving MOSPA and his dad behind, and he wouldn’t be stopped by something as simple as not having basic supplies.

~

Running away wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. All the books made it seem easy — there was no mention of sleeping in alleys, or trying not to get mugged, or having to do odd jobs to get money. Thank goodness for Ninjago’s lax law enforcement; nobody would have hired a thirteen-year-old if the police were good at their job. Especially a thirteen-year-old who may or may not be on the missing persons list. Cole still wasn’t sure if anyone had noticed him missing.

Cole shouldered his backpack as he walked away from Jamanakai Village. He’d managed to find work at a local restaurant a few weeks prior and had finally saved up enough money to get somewhere else. He wasn’t quite sure where his next destination would be, but for now he planned to go back to the mountain range near Ninjago City. He deserved a break, and climbing was therapeutic. The city having a lot of people to pickpocket was just a bonus.

Jamanakai was isolated, unfortunately. It would be an entire day before Cole could get to a more urban area and find a bus stop. He knew there wasn’t a lot of point in travelling so often, of course, but Cole couldn’t shake the feeling that if he didn’t keep moving, someone would find him and bring him back to MOSPA. He couldn’t let that happen. And it kept his mind off of Mom and Dad. Nope, not thinking of that today, Cole thought. It was a good day and he wasn’t going to ruin it.

“Probably enough money for a ticket to Ninjago City,” Cole muttered. “Then it’s just some hitchhiking.”

Not a difficult journey, really. Cole continued on.

~

The mountain was tall. And windy. And probably dangerous to climb without proper gear. Cole tried not to think of that as he pulled himself up the next ledge. He’d already had a close calls today, almost fell off before he found a foothold. Cole thanked Wojira that he hadn’t fallen to his death. If he was going to die, he wanted it to at least be dignified.

Only a bit more to the top of the mountain and then he could rest. Cole planned to camp there for the night and then go back down, hopefully without any major injuries. The broken ankle  still ached, and it had been months. He hadn’t been able to walk for two weeks the last time, and Cole wasn’t eager to have a repeat.

Huffing and sweaty, Cole reached the top. He climbed over the last few rocks and stopped, feeling pretty proud of himself, when he noticed the man sitting in front of him.

“Hello there,” the man said. He looked ancient, with deep set wrinkles and a long white beard. He took a sip of his drink and smiled.

Okay, that’s creepy, Cole thought. He had thought he was the only one climbing. How had he not noticed this guy?

“Wha— who are you?” The words exited Cole’s mouth without permission. He really should work on his brain-to-mouth filter at some point.

“Maybe that is a question you should ask, but first: why do you climb the mountain?” The old man looked at Cole with something like curiosity. Curiosity about what?

“Because it’s a good way to get exercise?”

“You can tell me the truth, Cole. I don’t judge.”

“How do you know my name? I never introduced myself,” Cole took a step back. Was this man some sort of stalker? Nobody knew where he was. If he got kidnapped, or murdered, no one would be able to find him. 

“Because I know you, Cole. I was there when you were born.”

“You know my Dad? Are you going to bring me back to him? Give me another lecture on how I’m a disappointment? I don’t need to hear it,” Cole crossed his arms and prepared to make a run for it. It would be suicidal to jump off the mountain, but he was a fast climber. The old man wouldn’t be able to catch up with him.

“I knew your mother. She was one of my students,” the old man stood and held up his hands in the ‘I surrender’ gesture. 

“Student?”

“I taught her to be a hero. Did you think that all the stories she told you were made up?”

Cole hadn’t thought about his mom’s stories in years. She used to tell him about great heroes who could control the very elements themselves, who tamed dragons and fought against evil. He’d loved those stories.

“You’re telling me that all those stories about ninja and dragons were real? Yeah, and I’m a giant purple unicorn,” Cole glared at the old man. This guy had to be crazy, spouting nonsense about real-life superheroes and monsters. Mom had told him those stories for entertainment and bonding, nothing more.

“You are stubborn. Also like your mother, I suppose. I can prove to you that all the old legends are real. You just have to trust me,” the man held out his hand. His face was a mixture of hope and worry and maybe a little bit of fear. Fear of what, Cole didn’t know.

Cole hesitated for a moment. There was nothing left for him back at home, if he still had one, and no one cared if he went missing. The only people he cared about were either dead or better off without him. His life truly couldn’t get any worse, and if this man had known his mom he couldn’t be too bad. Cole took the hand.

[authenticaussie]

tfw you give yourself amnesia because your parents make friends with a mind-reader and you don’t want to give up the secrets of your pseudo-family

👀?

Oh man I was not expecting another ask for the title game so when I saw this pop up I was like. Huh? You gave yourself amnesia? Are you okay? And then clocked that it was MY fic. 🤭

Anyway so this one is kinda messy!!! It sorta has two aspects to it which is like, in a lot of "Tim is adopted early" fics I see lines where Tim worries Batman will wipe his memory. And I so dearly wanted to actually see that. So it started off as "hey how would you write that", vaguely based off a line in this fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13422138/chapters/31181259#workskin <- with an extra function of Jason/Dick are pissed about it and keep hanging around him and Knowing Things about him, which is VERY confusing for poor tim🤭 (and may be written as a shorter Jay-or-Dick POV drabble at some point)

But THEN when I was writing it, what ended up happening was way more of like, Dick knowing him as a person and thus not being able to control instinctive reactions (calling him Tim before Tim introduces himself, making jokes and references that Tim doesn't get) and Tim struggling to understand a constant feeling of deja vu. It's very casually a mystery-fic from Tim's POV but wildly an agony from the audience POV because as the audience we already/basically know what's going on 🤭

Also I thought it would be interesting to do an actual think-piece esque on Jack and Janet in relation to Tim 'cause I have some really complicated headcanons about his relationship to them! And having him be Robin but also not be Robin felt like a super fun way of having them realise he was pulling away from them, but they don't actually know their kid so they don't know what to do.

Anyway the title for this one is wildly descriptive so I could remember it in my gdocs, but it is, quite literally: Tim going to Batman and saying "hey I need J'onn to wipe my memory of being Robin until this person goes away because I think they have mind reading capabilities". 'cause they're not a Good Person and Tim's pretty sure that they're manipulating his parents and while he doesn't want that, more important is the fact that Batman lives next door. He does NOT want this mind reader to find out and blackmail BATMAN. Tim having to trust that Bruce will restore his memories after, having to trust they'll figure out how to get the mind reader away from him and his family, but also way too Tim for his own good and still attempting to solve the mystery 🤭

---line break ✨

“I saw you on the train, before I ended up in the river, I know I did, but you act like you've never met me before,” thud, thud, thud, goes his heart, steady but present, like the beats are counting out each point of evidence. “You keep pretending that you don't know me, but you do - I know you do.”

“Tim-”

“And that! No-one calls me that!” Tim's hands fist at his side, and his body's thrumming. “Nobody ever calls me Tim.” No matter how much he'd like them to. It's Timothy or Mr. Drake, both a title, both with a reason to be used. Tim is just- preference. Courtesy.

And who wants to do him the courtesy of Tim when it's been made very clear he's nothing so common as a simple 'Tim'?

“Who are you?” he asks, the question forming a hollow ache in his chest. “Who are you?”

[starlit-dreaming]

when honestly you can't recall (Baxter Ward/MC) p2

Rating: M

Romantic Ships: Baxter Ward/Original Character(s); Derek Suárez/Leandra “Lee” Last

Platonic Ships: Main Character | Jamie Last & Leandra “Lee” Last, Main Character | Jamie Last & Original Character(s)

Tags: Unplanned Pregnancy, Single Parent, Angst w/a Happy Ending

TL;DR: A self-indulgent Single Parent AU. Lee has a better relationship with my MC compared to Liz. I wrote this when the Baxter DLC was still in beta, so I opted to avoid writing spoilers (for now) and to avoid rewriting moments of the Jude/Scott wedding.

A/N: Cross-Posted on AO3 under the same title (@ Starlit_Dreaming). There's gonna be more fluff in the next chapter, but I've also written like... 5% of the next chapter, and I've only been able to finish due to having free time in the last few weeks.

Obligatory Tag: @arcosoffireheart

Links: 1 | [2] | 3 | 4

Summary:

Everyone assumes that Gabby is exactly like her mother, but Rosaline will always see the traces of her daughter’s father. The shape of her eyes, how fussy she gets if there’s even a hint of conflict, every moment her daughter is calm and serene in her arms, the sweet and gentle smiles. 

Her daughter does not have her black hair, either. Wavy hair, yes, but it was not fully black and her father has only ever dyed his hair.

It’s a miracle that nobody notices their similarities.

Including Baxter himself.

// In which Rosaline ends up becoming a single mother in the aftermath of her and Baxter’s summer fling. Some things change. Some things don’t.

——————————————————————

Part 2: i don't care (it's taking me apart)

——————————————————————

Then

Mid-Summer

Step 3: Age 18

———————————

“It’s… I don’t know. A frightening situation?”

It felt wrong hearing those words coming from Rosaline of all people. Throughout their childhood, she was always taking things in stride and going with the flow. No matter how scared or anxious she would get, she would always pull herself together and stand tall. Maybe it had to do with Cove, who always relied on her as a shoulder to lean on.

Cove was precious, there was no doubt about that, but Rosa tried so hard to stand tall for his sake that it’s hard for her to rely on him in the same way.

And that’s where Lee came in.

There were some matters that were easier to share between Rosa and Cove, but things like this were easier to share between Rosa and Lee. Lee was Rosa’s shoulder to lean on, the person she cried to. And still, it feels wrong hearing those words coming from her cousin. Her cousin deserved to be happy, to smile without a care in the world.

“Why’s that?” Lee asked, tilting her head back to look at Rosaline, who was sitting on the monkey bars and letting her feet kick back and forth.

They were both honestly too big to be using the park — it used to feel like such a huge place when they were kids, but not any more. Rosaline stares off at the sunset, and Lee simply leans her back against the ladder, watching her cousin.

What a solemn look — it didn’t suit Rosaline at all.

“I’ve only been dating Baxter for two months now,” Rosaline stated. “The honeymoon phase wore off, but… I’m still really into him. Like, thinking about a future, getting married one day, that type of seriousness. It’s just… kinda scary to me. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.”

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it? Since you’re dating. You’re not the kind of person to date casually to begin with.”

Not that anyone actually knew that. Lee was the one Rosaline talked to when it came to anything romance-related, and sure, she might’ve mentioned something to Cove, but he wasn’t too interested. Probably on the ace spectrum, if she really wanted to make a guess.

Granted, Rosaline often broke things off with her exes within a month of dating. Either red flags that Lee noticed or because of incompatibility — most of those red flags being some who tried getting her number, despite dating Rosa, and Rosa promptly gave them the boot the second Lee said something. The fact that Baxter never asked Lee for her number when they met on the little boat trip was already a pretty good indication that he’s not interested in getting into somebody’s pants and dipping out after.

In fact, Lee was pretty confident that Baxter was equally head over heels for Rosaline. Is he just not communicating that to her?

“Yeah, that’s true, but still,” Rosaline sighed, wryly smiling. “I get jealous thinking that he’ll find you or somebody else prettier, even when I know that his eyes are almost always on me. I get all insecure, wondering if I’m good enough for him, or wondering when we’ll be breaking up because he finds someone new. What if we can’t handle long-distance? What if he loses interest in me? I just want to hog all his attention.”

“If he’s the type to break up with you because of something like that, then he’s definitely not worth your time and affections, but I don’t think you have to worry about that,” Lee stated rather confidently, moving to stand in front of Rosaline. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Rosa. There’s no way he’ll break up with you for those kinds of reasons. He’s nothing like your exes.”

“…You really think so?”

“I know so,” Lee grinned, reaching to hold her cousin’s hand and giving it a comforting squeeze. “You’re both absolutely smitten with each other. It’s a bummer that Derek won’t be back before summer ends. We could’ve gone on a double date!”

“Yeah,” Rosaline smiled softly. “Maybe next year, unless Baxter has a chance to come back sooner.”

“For you? I think he’d do whatever he can to make you happy.”

———————————

Then

Early Spring

In-Between Steps 3 & 4: Age 19

———————————

“For you, I think she would’ve done anything to make you happy,” Carol murmured softly.

They both stood on the porch, an old envelope in Carol’s hands as she took her hat off, curly grey and white hair revealing itself as she held the hat over her chest. She seemed to be doing some sort of silent prayer, as she looked at Rosaline with a distant look in her blue eyes.

Eventually, she smiled, something sad and soft and gentle as she puts her hat back on and hands her the envelope. “I suppose it isn’t so terrible, in the end. You grew up happy and healthy, Rosaline, something that we all had hoped for,” she said with crinkled eyes. “And while it’s not how she envisioned it, the house is yours.”

“…thank you,” Rosaline awkwardly said, gently taking the letter into her hands. “For coming out here with me. For not selling the house and everything that belonged to… my birth mother.”

“Oh, don’t go thanking me for a silly thing like that,” Carol lightly laughed, waving her off as she approaches the front door, digging through her purse for the key. “Val was like a second daughter to me, and even without renting this house, I make enough money to keep this place. Coming here and showing you the house would be better than leaving you here to handle it on your own.”

“…you mentioned earlier that you stopped renting the house…?” Rosaline questioned as the door opens, and Carol steps aside, gesturing Rosaline to walk inside first. Wordlessly, she enters.

What greets her is a home with cream-coloured walls that appear to be freshly painted over and a stairway with a child gate at the top and bottom. On her left is a small carpet area with bean bags and two regular-sized bookshelves — one filled with minimal and minor decor, and the other half-empty and half-filled with books as if waiting for the next renter to fill in the empty spaces. The right of the stairs shows a short hallway with a door to the garage, and at the end of the hall is an open door, leading through a laundry room which also leads into a bedroom from what she could tell.

“Yeah,” Carol said. “You had just turned 18 when I stopped renting the house to people. All of my renters here were single parents who needed a place until they could find their footing, and the last renter’s lease only finished up recently.”

Rosaline walks towards the bookshelves as Carol closes the door and puts her keys away.

“It’s up to you if you still want to keep that sort of thing up with this house, but I imagine it’d come in handy for your current situation.”

Upon closer inspection of the books, Rosa noticed that on the bottom shelf was an assortment of children’s books. Half appeared to be brand new, and she suspects that it has to do with the fact that actual children had grown up in this house thanks to Carol’s past renters, and Carol’s renters had gone out of their way to buy new ones.

In contrast to the bottom shelf, was the top to middle shelf where an adult would have a much easier time to grab and go. Some books on the top shelf were old and worn, gently gone through multiple times in many years, yet still well-maintained. There was a book of names, with pages marked with pieces of paper that stuck out from between the pages. But most notably were the self-help books, the cookbooks for beginners, recipes to sneak in vegetables for picky eaters, basic first aid, and many more.

This bookshelf was curated to best help a first-time parent, and that fact was evident with how many books didn’t look brand new.

“I… am really sorry. For not talking to you about Valerie back then. You look so much like her, but you’re an awful lot like your moms,” Carol said, walking over and standing beside Rosaline. “I couldn’t bring myself to properly meet you back then. I lost both of my daughters and just couldn’t let go of my grief. Valerie, who died in an accident, and Veronica, who died in childbirth.”

“I see… I’m sorry that I can’t really understand how you feel.”

“Nonsense. Yes, you do look like Valerie, and who knows, maybe you’ll share similarities with her, but you take after your mom and mother. I can see that you have such a light-hearted and joyful approach to life just like Pamela, and you are a sympathetic and comforting sort of soul like Noelani.”

“…what was she like?”

“Valerie was an orphan who started working part-time as a receptionist at Lacework Lenders. She didn’t have anyone else, just me and the others, but she and Veronica were sisters in everything but paperwork. No boyfriend or husband either — her ex ran off the second he found out that she was pregnant, but Val was very stubborn. Nothing stopped her from wanting to keep you and have a family of her own.”

She tried not to feel guilty over a woman that she might never consider as anything more than a birth mother.

“What happened to her?”

“A car accident,” Carol shook her head. “I don’t know all the details, but you were born early, and she was alive long enough to give you a name. Nobody knew your father, so we couldn’t contact him, we couldn’t do anything about him, really. I don’t think Val wanted him to know about you, either.”

“Well, that’s fine. I’m not interested in finding a father figure — I already have two in my life.”

Gregorio Suárez and Cliff Holden were the only dads in her life, and she didn’t care to find someone who never wanted the title to begin with. Men who didn’t want to own up to the consequences of their actions weren’t worth an ounce of her time, anyway.

“Good,” Carol nodded, pretty much agreeing with the unspoken thought. “Past this room and the stairs is the kitchen. My daughters worked on redesigning it to be a spacious kitchen — unfortunately it’s also been baby proofed, so some things might be difficult to open.”

Rosaline nodded along as they moved into the kitchen. The edges of the counters all had edge guards, making it less likely for children to get hurt from it. That… was actually fairly smart. She never considered doing that with counters, so it really was a good choice for her to come see the house. If she doesn’t move in, she’ll keep that in mind the next time she shops for her future baby.

Past the kitchen and dining area was a wide living room with carpeting and an L-shaped sofa set. There was a TV mounted above an electric fireplace, with an empty toy box in the corner.

“You’ll have to buy the toys yourself for your child,” Carol said. “The children of the previous renters often took the toys with them, but they usually buy some starting toys for the next renters. The previous renters did buy you a few baby blankets, though.”

“They left me stuff…?” Rosaline blinked.

“It’s only polite that they did,” Carol smiled at her warmly. “They went through similar problems like you, and a small bit of kindness can go a long way. They wanted to help you in a way that they were able to, just as the previous renters have done for them. You’d still have to buy some things of your own, of course, like milk formula and baby wipes. Val’s things were left untouched in the back shed, but we can go over that later since we’re just here to look at the house today. I know that it can be… a lot.”

It felt… strange. Despite the fact that there were renters before her, everything about this house just seemed to be done for her and her birth mother the more she looked around.

But her birth mother never had the chance.

The idea of using it for herself just felt unsettling. It felt wrong, as if she was stomping on her birth mother’s dreams.

“Why don’t you have a seat on the sofa and I fix us up with some water, hmm?” Carol kindly smiled, gently placing a hand on Rosaline’s shoulder as she guided her over to the sofa, sitting her done. “And don’t go feeling sorry for Valerie. She would’ve been furious that I didn’t come help you in your time of need. I think it would let her rest easy, too, knowing that her own preparations would help out not just strangers in a similar situation, but also help you out with your own child.”

Rosaline rubbed her eyes, her other hand resting on her swollen belly as Carol wordlessly walked towards the kitchen, getting them both a glass of water.

Once, when she and Liz talked about their birth parents, she told her that she didn’t understand. Because the life she lived is hers, and that she could never imagine anything else. She loves her moms so much, and the idea of having different parents from childhood was unthinkable. The very idea of never being Cove’s neighbour hurts too much, the idea of never knowing the people in her life now.

And yet, this house was proof of a life that could’ve been, but never was. She could’ve been an only child, she could’ve been in a family of two. Maybe she would’ve acted like Derek had once thought she would when Father’s Day came around, maybe Father's Day would’ve become a sore topic of conversation.

Living here, she would’ve gone to the same school as Lee and Derek, she would’ve known them, but would she have been just as good friends with them? Maybe, maybe not.

(Would she have met Baxter, still?)

But here she is now, with all of that being only what-ifs.

“Do you have a name for them?” Carol asked, placing the cups of water onto the table and handing Rosa a packet of tissues from her purse.

“Gregory for a boy, Gabrielle for a girl,” Rosaline sniffed, taking the packet of tissues. “Gray or Gabby for nicknames. Maybe Greg or Brielle — I’m not sure which nickname to use. I just… their father doesn’t know, and I want him to see this child and understand that they are a symbol of the love we shared.”

She was being sentimental, and she was just thankful that everyone thought that she was just naming her child after Gregorio. It was dumb, and maybe she’d cringe in a normal situation, because Baxter had the whole black and white theme, and already she thought of their child as gray.

“Those are good names,” Carol smiled kindly, rubbing her back reassuringly. “And if he has an ounce of love for you, he’ll grow to care for your unborn child, if he ever meets them.”

“…would… Valerie really be okay with this?” With me, goes unsaid.

“Positive.”

———————————

Then

Mid-Autumn

Step 3: Age 18

———————————

“…positive.”

Rosaline let out a shaky breath, looking at the test before tossing it into the small wastebasket.

Her purple eyes stared off into space, lost in her thoughts. And when she turns to look at Lee, standing at the doorway of the bathroom, she looked as if she were looking for something. For someone. She hugs herself, looking small and even more fragile than she’s ever been.

And Lee knows that it’s not her who Rosaline is looking for, but she’s here, nevertheless. She’s the only one who’s here for her right now.

So, she does the only thing that she can do. Lee hugs her, warm and careful as if Rosaline were precious. She rubs her cousin’s back, hoping to give her as much comfort that she was willing to accept at this moment.

“Whatever you decide, I’m here for you.”

Rosaline doesn’t need assurance for anyone else. Lee knows her cousin, and she knows that Rosaline needs her assurance, because she’s here, she’s here and everyone else isn’t because of various reasons outside of her control. She’ll need their individual reassurances later, but Lee doesn’t need to wait to voice her own.

And then, Rosaline relaxes her tense shoulders, returning the hug tightly. Her eyes were watering, Lee noticed, and soon, it dampens the shoulder of her shirt where Rosaline laid her head against.

“I… I want to keep it.”

And unlike everyone else who would ask and showcase their disbelief, Lee nods, accepting it without question, “Okay.”

Because she knows better than anyone how much Rosaline gets stuck in her own head. She must’ve thought it over hundreds of times before the confirmation, before telling Lee, before asking her to be here tonight.

“And… I… I want you to be their godmother.”

“Of course,” she nods, knowing that she was going to be the godmother from the very start. Liz might feel hurt by that fact, but Liz also wasn’t always there for Rosaline throughout their lives. Lee was. Lee always was. “We’ll love and support you,” she adds, before Rosaline starts panicking over reactions next.

Everyone will spoil Rosaline’s unborn child, she just knows it.

Rosaline sniffed, eyes watering. “Will… will you be there…? When I—when I talk to my moms?”

“Always.”

———————————

Two Months Ago

Beginning of Summer

Step 4: Age 23

———————————

“Always,” Lee murmured, eyes glimmering with unshed tears in the dazzling lights.

Her gaze never leaves Derek’s as she speaks into the microphone, phone in hand as she says her vows. “Somehow, some way, fate brought us here today. When we reunited in high school of our sophomore year, after losing contact for that previous year due to conflicting schedules and busy lives, I thought it was a miracle that we managed to pick our friendship up right where we left it. When you had that summer training camp in the year after our graduation, our relationship was tested by distance when we decided to become more than friends. When you had to move to a different city for college, I stayed local, and still I wanted to be with you. Despite the distance, I knew that you were the one for me.”

Cove was definitely crying among all of Derek’s grooms men, as evident when one of Derek’s brothers grins, quietly giving him a packet of tissues. Rosaline just smiled softly at the scene before her among Lee’s bridesmaids. Her maid of honour, naturally.

“When you asked me to move in with you, I was excited — I wanted to fall asleep in your arms and wake up to your smile, and that’s how I knew that I was and still am head over heels for you, after all of our time being together.”

Derek started to tear up, holding her free hand as he stared at her as if she hung the stars in the night sky.

“I love you, so much more than what words can describe, and I swear to you that I will always love you. I’ll hold your hand through the good and bad, I’ll love you for who you are now and who you have yet to be, and I’ll stay with you, side by side, no matter the challenges that may come our way.”

She slips her phone into the pocket of her wedding dress, seamlessly hidden, a detail that Rosaline included in the design.

“I love you, Derek Suárez, and I can’t wait to build our future together.”

———————————

~1 Year Ago

Mid-Summer

In-Between Steps 3 & 4: Age 22

———————————

“…and I can’t wait to build our future together,” Lee read, eyes trained on her phone screen as she squinted at the screen.

Rosaline stared at her sketchbook, sketching potential design patterns. They’re in Rosaline’s living room, with her sitting at the dining table sketching out potential designs for the dresses.

“Well?” Lee prompted, looking up at her cousin from her spot on the L-shaped sofa. “What do you think?”

“I think you’ve been rereading your vows a little too much,” Rosaline sighed, smiling wryly at Lee as she placed her pencil down. “It’s perfectly fine. You talked about your relationship, that you’ll both overcome the challenges together, and that you love him. Add more, and it’ll be a long presentation-level speech. Cut it too much, and it’ll be incredibly short for a vow. I think it’s fine the way it is, especially because it’s your feelings for him.”

“Mm…” Lee frowned, looking unconvinced. And nervous, Rosaline noticed. “And… it’s okay? You really think so?”

“Why would I think otherwise?” Rosaline raised a brow, picking her pencil up again to draw a purse. “Do you want your purse to match your reception dress? Or should I make it be a pop of colour like a flower bouquet, so it stands out?”

“Matching. I want people to see the dresses I wear and be wowed instead of focusing on my purse, and if I want the purse to stand out, I’ll just use it with a different outfit,” Lee leaned back into the sofa, frowning. “And I… that’s not what I meant, I mean,” she groaned, flopping down, lying around as she looked at her, almost guiltily. “You know I love you, right?”

“Uh, yeah? Where are you going with this?” Rosaline smiled, feeling downright confused.

“How uh… how are you and Baxter doing?”

Oh. It was then that Rosaline realized what Lee was getting at. The wedding is meant to be a heartfelt occasion, filled with happy tears and bright smiles all around. And here Lee was, concerned for Rosaline and Baxter, who both broke up because Baxter refused to try a long distance relationship.

And Lee was especially worried about hitting on a nerve with that speech.

Well, she admits that she’s a bit… sad that Baxter wasn’t willing to have an LDR like Lee and Derek, but she feels vindicated knowing that he’s now working for a couple that he expected to have broken up. It evened out on that front, and frankly the petty side of her thinks that Lee ought to emphasize that distance meant nothing to a couple who worked together.

Although Baxter had yet to ask her about Gabrielle. A fact that enrages her more than upsets her, but she understood why he feigns indifference.

Not everyone wanted to tackle the hurdles of parenthood.

“Nothing new,” she simply said. Honestly, Baxter was the same as ever. Only he of all people could confidently keep her at arms length even when they were technically in contact. “Apart from the group chat, he doesn’t directly text me. Assuming that he still has my number.”

And what did she expect? For him to step up, to talk to her about Gabrielle after he saw her for the first time? Did he even want to see the child beyond that initial first meeting?

“Not even about…?”

“Nope, but that’s okay,” Rosaline smiled. It did hurt, but Rosaline could deal with it. Her birth mother and her had shit taste in men judging from what she knew from Carol. “Besides, I don’t think Gabby cares about not having a dad. She’s already getting spoiled rotten by everybody, and seriously, it’s a bit funny.”

Lee barks out a laugh at that, “That’s true! Gabby practically has four grandmas and two grandpas, several uncles, and several aunties. Has Liz been gifting her more presents?”

“Mhmm, but Brielle still loves you and your pink hair more than she loves Liz, but that’s a secret,” Rosaline teasingly stated before humming much more thoughtfully to herself. “Honestly, worse comes to worst, I can always ask Cove if he’s fine with doing that whole second parent adoption thing, if she really wants a dad. Cove’s a sucker for her anyway, so he would cry happily if that happened, even if he’s never thought of it.”

“True, he really takes good care of her,” Lee smiled. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you two were a thing.”

“Maybe in another life,” she laughed. “But Cove’s definitely my brother.”

———————————

Then

Beginning of Summer

Step 3: Age 18

———————————

“Cove’s definitely my brother,” Rosaline laughed.

“That’s reassuring,” Baxter commented, smiling as they strolled through the boardwalk. “And here I thought that perhaps he was your first love.”

She doesn’t miss a step, her smile remains, as she watches Baxter from the corner of her eyes. But her heart skips a beat, her gut freezes, her mind reeling with imposing thoughts. Why would he say that? Naturally, there’s only one reason as to why he’d wonder, and why he’d look at her with incredible interest.

Her first love is Baxter Ward, back when she only knew him as the enchanting boy who swept her off her feet. That was an undeniable fact.

Rosaline, however, doesn’t admit it.

“Nope, that honour belongs to Mr Cliff Holden, Cove’s father!”

It wasn’t a lie, technically. She did think that Cove’s father was cute, but not to a point where she was romantically interested. The idea of it was plain weird, and she and Lee both got a kick out of it when she mentioned it, meanwhile Cove was mortified that she ever thought of his father as “cute” and “attractive”.

Cove was even more horrified (which she never thought was possible) when she told him that his mother was super cute, because she actually did develop a minor crush on Kyra back then. Now she’s just “mom three” to her. She’s not afraid to admit that someone’s attractive, but it’s a rather fun embarrassment, one that only gets mentioned as a tease from Lee, when it’s just her and her cousin, since Cove prefers to forget it entirely.

He had smiled, at first, in disbelief, before cackling at it, grinning when she mentioned Cove’s reaction to her minor childhood infatuation. Afterwards, Baxter was laughing, a reaction that she both expected and wanted. The tale is a fun exaggeration, and it safely tucks away the fact of her first love.

After all, it’s a bit much to confess to your first love, especially one you still had affections for.

Still, he was absolutely adorable…

———————————

~1 Year Ago

Mid-Summer

In-Between Steps 3 & 4: Age 22

———————————

“She’s rather adorable,” Baxter absentmindedly comments.

Rosaline blinks, glancing over at him, but his eyes remain on the road. She thinks, for a moment, before realizing that maybe he finally wants to talk about Gabrielle.

“Yeah, Brielle is the cutest person in my life,” she smiled, thinking of her daughter.

“I would’ve expected her to come along, to be truthful.” It’s just small talk, but he’s finally showing interest.

“Well, my job can get rather hectic, and Carol keeps an eye on her for me until Cove gets off work. He normally watches over her whenever he’s home.”

“Ah… so you and Cove?”

“We live together, yeah.”

His hand grips the wheel tightly. Was he jealous that Cove spent more time with Gabrielle than him? He should just be honest about that, honestly. If he asked, she would’ve been happy to let him slowly build up a relationship with their daughter.

“I see…” he sounded rather… dejected. Almost accepting of the situation.

“I can always bring her along next time,” Rosaline offered. “She’ll be disappointed that I’m going to a bakery without her,” she chuckled.

“If that’s what you’d like,” he smiled, fake just like all the other smiles.

Even now, he was still holding back.

———————————

Several Days Ago

End of Summer

Step 4: Age 23

———————————

Even now, she felt like she was holding back.

“It’s okay, we can handle the clean-up,” Cove reassured her, his hand a warm comfort on her shoulder. “Take a break, Rosa,” he smiled. “Gabby’s with Lee; she came by to drop her off with your moms. So it’s fine, just… take a breather? You deserve it after all that’s happened.”

“The wedding’s over, so you can just leave it to us,” Terry grinned, and Miranda smiles, nodding along with him encouragingly.

She relaxes her tense shoulders, and she manages to smile back at them, feeling a bit weak.

“Yeah… you’re right. I need a break,” she took in a shaky breath and stands up. Eyes searching around the mostly empty room, spotting Baxter’s distant figure. She walks, her heels tapping against the marble floor as she deliberately bridges the gap between them.

And it’s Baxter, who keeps his back turned, whose back shifts as if tensing as her footsteps draw closer and closer. And it’s Baxter, and it’s always been Baxter, who draws her attention.

“Baxter,” she says, breathing, and steeling her expression.

He’s going to run away from her again, and if he does, she’s not quite sure how she’ll be able to handle it. Would it result in another night, crying in Lee’s arms like back then? She supposes that it’s a good thing Lee texted her earlier, saying to call her whenever she gets home. They both didn’t expect him to stay and talk.

“Ah, Rosaline,” he greets, turning to face her with that infuriatingly familiar smile. It was the same smile he used to maintain his professionalism, the same smile that showed her that he was just going to keep pulling away from her. His posture shows a clear desire to leave ASAP.

And her heart drops. Because even now, she was hoping that he would just… turn around and change his mind. That maybe he would give himself another chance with her.

But no, she supposes that was just a dream, and this was just her fulfilling a promise.

It’s just a dance, she tells herself and tries not to cry.

[stardustandtwilight]

🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄

Christmas 2005

Emmett was forbidden from blasting Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” at midnight like he did every year but it was in vain; Sydney woke up hungry at that time anyway. Esme scooped her up from her crib with a wry smile. "Should've known you'd be up, baby girl." She'd been waking up like clockwork at this time. "Shhhh, don't cry, it's Christmas."

Sydney's cries quieted but she still made little disgruntled noises.

Emmett stuck his head out of his and Rosalie's room as Esme carried her down to the kitchen. "That’s not my fault. I was being quiet!”

Esme waved him off. "I know."

"Just saying for the record!"

In the kitchen, Carlisle was already getting a bottle ready. Formula this time. They were still experimenting with switching between blood and formula. Sydney seemed comfortable with both. Carlisle hoped that meant she could drink mostly formula instead of having to drink so much donated blood. He smiled at Esme and Sydney while checking that the formula wasn't too hot. If there was one strong preference Sydney displayed, it was that she preferred warm blood and formula over cold.

"You know, Santa won't come if you don't sleep, baby girl," he said in mock sternness to Sydney.

"Tell Daddy you can't help that you're hungry," Esme said. Then to Carlisle she added, "Are we doing the Santa thing?"

Carlisle shrugged, sheepish. "I don't know, it just seemed like one of those things modern parents say."

Upstairs, Emmett laughed loudly. Rosalie shushed him, but she was laughing too. Edward huffed in the way he did when he was holding back laughter. Thankfully, Alice and Jasper were out on a date for the night, but they were sure to hear about it when they got back.

“They’re never going to let me live that down, are they?” Carlisle asked.

“Not a chance,” Esme said with a grin.

Sydney decided to cry again, evidently impatient with not being fed. Esme bounced her and said, “Okay, sweetheart, we hear you.”

They settled on the couch and Esme gave Sydney her bottle. The newborn drank with a single-minded focus, a tiny pucker between her blue eyes. It brought back shadowy, bittersweet memories of her son and how he made the same face when he nursed. What a gift to be able to care for a baby again.

If only that gift didn’t come with its own new grief.

Among the numerous gifts for Sydney under the tree (Alice couldn’t stop herself from going overboard with the baby clothes, especially shoes because “they’re too cute!”) were gifts for Sarah. Esme hadn’t been able to stand looking at them gathering dust in her office so she wrapped them all in a grief-stricken focus while she did the presents for the rest of the family. Nobody said anything about her putting them under the tree but now that it was Christmas she wondered why she bothered. Sarah would never take pictures on the new camera Esme had gotten her or play Super Mario Brothers 3 again on the NES that Emmett found on eBay or –

“Hey.” Carlisle touched Esme’s face, bringing her out of that train of thought. “What’s wrong?”

Esme sighed. “Sarah.”

It was all she had to say. Carlisle’s eyes were filled with understanding and with his own grief and guilt. Esme knew he did all he could to save her, but he was haunted by the reassurances he gave her that she would live, that she would be there to see Sydney grow. He had been sorely tempted to go back on the promise to not change Sarah, but he couldn’t live with himself if he broke that promise too.

Sydney distracted them for a moment by spitting out the bottle’s nipple with a grunt and Esme handed her over to Carlisle to burp.

“I don’t know what to do with her gifts. I’m kind of embarrassed that I wrapped them,” Esme admitted. 

Carlisle shook his head. “I don’t think you should be embarrassed.” 

“Sarah isn’t here to open them,” Esme said bitterly. She felt her throat close up and her eyes prick with phantom tears and she closed them. Her earlier words to Sydney came back to her - don’t cry, it’s Christmas.

“I know.” Carlisle’s voice was low and tired. For a moment, there was only the sound of him lightly patting Sydney’s back. “You got her a camera, right?” 

“Yes. Why?” 

“Well, you could always open it yourself. Use that camera to take pictures of Sydney growing up like she would have.” 

Esme considered it. The camera certainly wouldn’t go to waste that way and while the thought still brought on the ache over Sarah not being here to do it herself, it was better than letting the gift sit and collect dust again. “That’s a good idea.” 

Carlisle smiled crookedly. “I’ve been known to have them.” Esme only just refrained from rolling her eyes. 

Being done burping Sydney, Carlisle brought her back to the crook of his arm and kissed her forehead. Esme leaned in to kiss her head and inhaled her sweet scent. It didn’t make her throat burn like a normal human’s would and she savored it. Sydney’s tiny hand closed around Carlisle’s finger and her eyes fluttered closed, instantly asleep. Carlisle sighed, a rueful smile on his face.

“What is it?” Esme asked.

“I wish I could sleep like that.”

“Aww, does the old man need a nap?” Esme teased.

“It’s been three hundred sixty-five years since I last slept. Of course I do.” He nudged her with his foot. “Don’t you?”

“No.” Esme nudged him back. “It’s only been a hundred and ten years for me. I’m not tired.”

“I guess I’m the only one that needs a nap. Besides this little one. I wonder how long before we’ll hear her protesting that she’s not tired.” 

“Sooner than we think.” The changes in Sydney since her birth a month ago would be small to human eyes, but to vampire eyes they were significant. They were all so used to looking in each other’s unchanging faces. Esme already anticipated Sydney growing up too fast, a common parental complaint. 

“I suppose we should put her back to bed,” Carlisle said, sounding a bit regretful. 

Esme smiled and snuggled into his side. “No, I think we’re all comfortable right here.” 

In the morning, as the Cullens gathered to open their gifts, Esme opened her present for Sarah and the very first picture she took was of Emmett piling all the discarded bows onto a sleeping Sydney.