#not looking for advice abt the work situation i am still actually looking into it

[murdrdocs]

celeste I’m dying and need help (this is super fucking long I’m actually so sorry)

so this guy that I’ve been friends with since literally 8th fucking grade likes me and asked me to go out with him but I don’t like him back but I’m too scared to reject him because I’m the type of person to feel AWFUL if I hurt someone’s feelings. Everyone tells me that it’s not my problem and that I shouldn’t feel bad but like I CANT.

I really wished I liked him bc he’s super sweet and literally said he’d buy me sour patch kids and give them to me when we go out (but I feel bad when people buy things/do nice things for me too) and I’ve been trying to give him so many hints by either straight up avoiding him when he asks me out (this is all over text btw) and I also told him “if I wanted sour patch kids, yk id get them myself. plus I feel bad when people buy things for me” and he’s like persistent on it.

and to make it worse, he got rejected by a different girl a few months ago and literally cried. me and my friends (cause he’s in our friend group) were like “comforting him” (basically telling him she wasn’t worth his time bc she was kinda rude abt rejecting him) and stuff like that, so I don’t wanna hurt him again.

he knows I had a toxic ex but doesn’t know the full extent, and bc of that ex, I’ve literally not had a crush since him bc he traumatized me.

anyways I genuinely tried summarizing this super quick but I’m sorry it got so long, I understand if you don’t want to respond/read the whole thing, but if you do then thank you!!! <333 (sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes I’m just panicking rn and my autocorrect is working overtime)

-‼️

okay i'm gonna give it to u so straight: u gotta bite the bullet man. i get that ur empathetic but think abt this, if u do go out w him your feelings are most likely not going to change. then you'll be stuck, eventually he'll figure out/find out that u don't rlly like him. and it'll be a massive gigantic shit of a mess.

it sucks and it can be a sticky situation but the only way you'll get out of it is by being honest and putting ur foot down so to speak. plus it'll suck for a little while but if he's a good and true friend, he'll eventually move on and you guys will be just Friends again. and you can't be upset abt it forever like actually. you'll feel bad for a little while but eventually your body/mind will do what it needs to and you'll be okay again.

as for going abt it, avoidance neverrrr works in my experience. (been there trust) you have to tell him straight up that u dont want him. and if he is still persistent, then that's a major red flag (also trust me) and u do not want that in ur life.

also also, ppl get hurt unfortunately that is a part of life. if u don't hurt him, someone else will (sounds bad but it's true) and u aren't responsible for other ppl's feelings/how they react. all u can do is live ur truth and look out for no. 1.

anyway i hoped this helped? i am ... not the best at giving advice pertaining to men/guys/boy species without being a bitch abt it but i truly did try to set aside my erm ... dislike to help u. but get other advice too and ultimately go w ur gut (and ur head be logical but not too logical)

[yunhowifeu]

Decide

Word count: 2k+

Warnings: none

About: two guys, one decision

__________________________________________

Me and woo young have been friends for a while now, I’ve had a crush on him for a bit tho and idk wether he likes me or not because u see, woo young is flirty w everyone including me, and idk what to think of it. Yeosang has also been my friend tho and I’ve also started liking him, he is just so sweet and thoughtful but I like woo young more and well it’s a bit complicated. I have another close friend, his name is woozi, I tell him all my boy problems, it’s not like he wants me to sometimes but even then he listens to me and comforts me or gives me advice, he actually listens to me ranting abt anything. He is a really busy guy tho and it’s quite hard to find times that will work for both of us to hangout. I work at a convenient store, I work the night shift except Saturdays and Sunday’s tho so I basically have all day to hangout but well he has a lot to work on for the group and well I’m understanding of it but sometimes we go months without talking and that honestly worries me. Anyways tho back to my first topic, woozi told me to try and make a move on woo young to see if he likes me back or not but honestly I’m too scared to do that, he could either like me back but might not be able to get together cuz he is an idol or he dosent like me back and we stop being friends cuz I made it weird. Gosh why r crushes so hard for me.

One day I decide to make a move, I felt bold, so I texted woo young-

[7:05pm] me:

hey woo, wanna come over and watch a movie?

[7:20pm] woo:

I’m hanging out w a girl rn but I’ll lyk once I’m free

Ofc he was w a girl, he always is, recently I’ve barely had any time to hang out w wooyoung.

I felt upset and felt like ranting to woozi abt how upset I am at wooyoung and how excited I was to make a move but now I can’t cuz I’m not always this bold. I text woozi-

[7:23pm] me:

Jihoon, can u come over? I wanna talk

I waited for his text for an hour and still no answer. I decide to text Yeosang next. They r my only three closest friends and well Yeosang was my only hope at this point.

[8:30pm] me:

Yeo, can u come over pls? :/

[8:31pm] Yeo:

Sure, is everything okay?

[8:32pm] me:

No, but I’ll tell u once u come over.

[8:33pm] Yeo:

Got it, I’m omw

I eat chips and scroll through TikTok while I wait. I don’t have to wait long cuz he gets here pretty quick.

I open the door and pull him in by his hand, I close the door, and I hug him. He returns the hug. “So what’s up” he says. I sigh and I say,“Wooyoung situation”.

I had told yeosang abt my little crush on wooyoung before but not abt the making a move plan.“What did he do this time?”he asked. I grab yeosang’s hand and bring him to the living room. We both sit on the couch. “I was gonna make a move on him today cuz I was feeling brave and all but look”, I said as I showed him the text messages w wooyoung. ”that sucks”, he says as he rubbed my back for comfort. “It’s so unfair, it’s like he dosent get the hint, this is so annoying, he is so annoying”, I say covering my face w my hands. “Well wooyoung can be stubborn at times, don’t overthink it, he probably like u back, everything will be fine” he says. I hear a ding coming from my phone, I take my hands away from my face and reach for my phone from the table. “Wooyoung texted me” I say. “What did he say?” Yeo asks.

[8:59pm] woo:

Can’t come over, I’ll be staying over at the girl’s house tonight

[9:00pm] me:

I figured 😒

[9:01pm] woo:

Sorry🤷🏻‍♂️

[9:02pm] me:

K.

[9:03pm] woo:

Don’t be salty y/n

[9:04pm] me:

Wtv I didn’t expect any less from u anyways, u always do this, u never have time for me anymore

[9:05pm] woo:

It’s not like ur my gf, calm down, no wonder u don’t have a bf

[9:06pm] me:

Wth do u mean by that?

[9:07pm] woo:

I mean ur so clingy, u always want me around, I have my own life too yk and I don’t appreciate u sticking on me like a bug

[9:08pm] me:

So I’m just a bug to u now? What abt our friendship? Does that mean nothing to u? Friends give friends attention

[9:09pm] woo:

I’m literally giving u attention rn, ur wasting my time tho, I could be getting closer w this girl yet I’m here texting u while ur acting childish

“I can’t believe him! That jerk!” I put my phone back on the table, leaning back on the couch, forgetting yeosang was even there cuz of how into the convo I was w wooyoung, I felt like crying. “What happen?” He asks. I look at yeosang. “Read the messages” i say and I lean my head back again. Yeosang picks up my phone and checks the messages. Yeosang has my password since we r close anyways and I don’t make passwords a big deal w people I consider close. “Wow” he was putting my phone back and opens his arms indicating for a hug so I hug him tight. “Let’s watch a movie and eat snacks? Yeah? How does that sound?” Yeosang offered, he was always so comforting and caring, and that day I just fell for yeosang more. We get comfortable on the couch eating some popcorn and chips watching some movies. After a while I fall asleep and so does yeosang, we wake up in the morning to loud knocking at the door. I open the door and see wooyoung. He slightly pushes me without saying anything, walking in the house. He goes up to yeosang. “Get up, hongjoong wants us Al back in the dorm by 10 for a meeting” he tells him. Yeosang gets up and shuffles his hair a bit and fixes his clothing as he stands up. I go up to wooyoung. “A may I come in would have been nice yk” I say. Wooyoung and yeosang don’t say anything as they just walk towards the door then yeosang turns around and smiles “see u” he says waving. Wooyoung turns around and says, “Oh btw, tysm for yesterday, ur such an amazing friend” sarcastically. “What r u talking abt? Ur literally the one who ruined my night”I say. “The girl I was w saw me texting u abt that nonsense and thought u were my gf” he says slightly raising his voice. “How is that my fault?” I raise my voice too. “Would u just quit being so clingy, I expected the conversation to end after I told u not to be salty, grow up, ur just ruining my chances w actual good women” he says raising his voice more. “U Moran, I liked u! I just realized tho, that u have always been so selfish, u never actually cared abt me, u never actually took my feelings into consideration” I say

“How was I supposed to know u liked me?” He asks. “I was so obvious abt it!” I say madly. “Ok guys let’s not do this rn please” yeosang says slightly moving between me and wooyoung. “Respectfully yeosang this is none of ur business” says wooyoung. “Come on it’s almost ten anyways, we gotta go” yeosang says dragging wooyoung out the door. Wooyoung let’s yeosang drag him out but then turns around again and says “we aren’t friends anymore, don’t contact me ever again, and don’t even think to come over to the dorms cuz I don’t feel like even seeing ur face around”. I slam my door and I sit on the ground crying.

[10:07am] woozi:

Sorry I was busy and forgot to respond

[10:08am] me:

It’s fine

[10:09am] woozi:

I have time rn tho, want me to come over?

Typically I would say yes but honestly I wanted space at the moment.

[10:10am] me:

Sorry, not today

[10:11am] woozi:

Oh alr that’s fine, and I’m sorry again

I ghosted people for a while cuz wooyoung’s words got to me and made me think I was too clingy to everyone. After some weeks I hear a knock at my door so I opened it and see hongjoong. “hey, I heard what happened and I’d like to apologize from wooyoung’s behalf”he says.”but also, we don’t want drama so I come to ask for u to not be seen around any of the members atleast until the scandals from the fans calm down” he says. “Oh I get it” I say.

Days later I hear another knock at the door but this time it’s wooyoung. “What”I say. “I’m sorry for everything I said and did”he says. “Did hongjoong send u here to say that or smth?”I ask. “No, I’m genuinely sorry” he says. He continues,”and well I actually liked u too”. “What r u talking abt, u literally broke my heart that night and we weren’t even together, yk how hurt I was” I say. “Look ik u might not believe me but trust me I did like u, hongjoong forced me to act like that, the manager saw how people online were already shipping us and everything but they didn’t want any scandals so the manager told hongjoong and we’ll hongjoong told me to act like I wasn’t interested in u and everything, I wasn’t even w a girl that night, it was all made up, u can ask yeosang tho, he didn’t know at first but after leaving ur house I cried and I told yeosang the whole thing, that’s why I started distancing myself aswell but it hurt me to do it”. He said. I was in disbelief.”but if u really liked me u would have broken the rules a little bit or smth” I say. “Y/n, look, I’m an idol, it’s not that simple”he said. “Well is that all u wanted to tell me?u can be on ur way now if that’s all” I say. “No, wait, abt rule breaking” he pauses then continues”I’m willing to bend the rules a bit if it means being w u”. “What do u mean?” I ask, “I mean will u be my girlfriend?” He says. My eyes widen. I been thinking abt getting even closer to yeosang after a while but now wooyoung is asking me out. I didn’t know what to do. “Idk woo, can I have time to think abt it?” I ask. “Alright, but lmk please” he says as there is an awkward silence and I nod then he leaves. I had started liking yeosang more lately but wooyoung confessed and I used to like him more, what if I got w wooyoung? Would I like him again?would I be happy?but yeosang is so caring but idk if he would be willing to even date. Gosh idk

I call yeosang and ask him to come over. He gets here a few minutes later. “Hongjoong would be mad if he saw me here rn” he says. “I’m sorry but I just need to talk to u abt smth that’s been on my mind lately” I say.

We sit together on the couch. I sigh and say “ok yeosang, well, wooyoung confessed and asked me to be his gf even if it meant breaking the rules”. “Oh well what did u say?” He asks. “I said I would think abt it but actually I’ve liked someone else for a while and I think I like them more now but idk if he likes me back and if he is willing to break the rules too” I say. “Is he a K-pop idol?” He asks. “Yes” I answer. “Well who is it?” He asks. I hesitate but then say it “you”. “Really?” He asks looking surprised. “Yea, it’s been a while that I moved on from wooyoung and I just couldn’t stop thinking abt u” I say. “Well r u suggesting we date?” He asks. “Yes” I say scared what he would say next but instead he didn’t say anything, he just pulled me in for a kiss. I had my answer right there. I was so happy. I hugged him tightly. He giggled and hugged me back tight. “Yk, I’ve actually liked u since a few years ago when we had first met” he says. I look up and smile. I was really happy but now I had to figure out a way to tell wooyoung no.

I invited wooyoung over. He came over and sat down to yeosang and I. “I have the answer” I say. “Well I’m sorry, I just don’t like u as much as I used to, and well I’m dating someone now” I say. “Who?” He asks. I hold yeosang hand and hold it up to show wooyoung. “Oh” he says seeming disappointed.

Time passes and word got around but I convinced the manager to let us stay together and the fans actually liked the fact that we were dating quite a lot except there was one scandal abt how me and wooyoung should have been the ones ending up together and well yeosang got a bit insecure but I comforted him and we have been happy together ever since.

[nonranghaes]

your sweet svt drabbles are such an inspiration to me. I've been getting into writing fics slowly by writing just short ones off a single scenario, and i have too many prompts and ideas coming from my head (which is great !) that i already had laid out but i just couldn't find thee tempo to start. Soo I'm trying to get more inspo by reading around tumblr and to my luck i landed here! i found your writing style an exemplar to how i wanted to write (bonus if you'd like to give some writing tips? 🥹). Your drabbles looked effortlessly written, they're simple yet so expressive and visually evocative. Reading them makes me feel like it's easy to just get the idea off my head and picture it in words OK I'LL STOP HASJB it's literally midnight o clock (when the strong urge to give one of my prompts a shot kicks in)

aaaaaAAA AND IF I START CRYIN????

honestly i dont rly know if i have any solid writing tips haha i like reading a lot since it can teach me a lot abt what i like in writing and what i dislike!! + reading helps u pick up on how other ppl describe things and how their writing flow. idk if that makes sense though. like... book i just finished (a death in tokyo) is very to the point and practical with its writing. it was written in a way that i could clearly envision a lot of things and my mind would fill in the holes since its set in a real world setting. other stuff i read might take care in describing things in more detail, but reading higashino's work kinda made me understand further how just plainly stating things can have its own power and paint a picture just as well--just depends on what you're writing and what kind of vibe it should have, yknow?

like. i wouldn't expect a thriller to have the same writing flow as a romance novel, but the gritty details can still have importance depending on what the topic is. little things like that. genuinely, imo, the best writers are those who read a lot and my advice is rly just to kinda read everything u feel safe w reading!!!

also i think ive said this a lot on wooahaes but ive also been writing since i was like. 11. if not younger lol so ive had a looooootta time to practice and refine and get to where i am now and i'll still be improving into the future hopefully!!!

other than that... hmm...

i'll admit this one isn't something everyone can do (and obvs no shame to ppl who can't!) but i always try to envision the space i'm writing and the people within it.

i think for me personally, i care a lot about the physicality of whoever i'm writing? if they're nervous, are they acting shifty? are they wringing their hands? is this a situation they want to get out of, or are they nervous because they're kinda excited for what's to come? how are they vocally, too? are they the kind of person who rambles when they're nervous, or do they get really quiet? is it obvious, or will it seem normal if they're quiet/chatty?

like... with the mark lee drabble where he's nervously dragging out the question of "what if we kissed?" it was kinda important to me to just kinda have him dragging it out because once he says it, there's no way to take it back, and once he says it, the nerves take over in a "and now i must ramble, lets talk about anything but what i just said, so the aquarium-" where even though we don't SEE mark, we still can tell he's a nervous wreck over it all. its little things like that that just kinda stick out to me?

mmm but for my drabbles specifically... i think i kinda function off the fact that i'm not writing an actual fic here? if i wanted to write something longer, i'd put it on wooahaes (and sometimes i do! i've had a couple fics now i was gonna just post as a drabble but then they kinda ran away from me). i've deleted parts of drabbles before because i felt like they were getting too irrelevant. the point of a drabble, to me personally, is to just kinda give somewhat a quick snapshot of a moment. i think my stuff usually takes place in a single place as far i can remember, because changing scenes makes it feel like a bigger thing (barring stuff where there was a short flashback).

i think it can help to have an idea of what you want to capture if you're writing a short drabble. reader/seungkwan caring for one another, minho teasing reader over the cats, reader trying to get one over on joshua (ft seungkwan). occasionally the more fantasy-ish stuff is like "merfolk reader in love w jisung" and "merfolk reader saving minho" or "android!shua being saved from the facility by reader" comes to me, too. i just kinda write purely by vibes and what i wanna write. idk if this helps but i usually do try to have some idea of what exactly i wanna do!! the times i have opened a post and closed it again bc i had nothing..................................... yeah

(obvs no shame in those moments ksdhfds i just always end up sitting there like. what was i doing again.)

ummm idk what else to say!! i can always try to give advice on other stuff if u ever have specific questions but this is all ive got rn <3 good luck!!!!! i believe in u!!!!!!!!

[mostlymaudlin]

Hiii I hope you’re doing well! 🤍 1, 2, 20, 21, & 26 for the ask :)

i am doing GREAT, having a lot of fun procrastinating multiple things -- i hope you are having a good day!

so, i answered 2 here!

1. where do you typically get your ideas?

mostly i just wanna put a guy in a situation hahaha. lately its a lot of "i have this belief about andrew and im gonna PROVE it to everyone." so, i guess the real answer to this is i get my ideas by thinking about characters, and then i find the appropriate way to show what their deal is!

20. What is your best piece of advice for writing smut scenes?

i made this post once, which i think is my main advice! i guess my only other thing is just that writing smut is the same as writing anything else, in that you'll have your own way of doing it. i think sometimes theres a tendency to put smut in a different category of writing skills -- and yeah, there are things that make it unique, and there is some universality to sex scenes just bc of like... human biology and anatomy hahaha. but also, it's still just your writing! so there's no need to compare yourselves to others/try to write smut the same way your fave authors do. the best sex scenes, imo, are ones that feel like the author felt comfortable writing.

21. What is your best piece of advice for writing romance scenes?

hmmmm. probably that romance looks different for everyone. romance trademarks are like, big confession scenes and passionate kisses and dates and saying "i love you." and those have their place, but maybe not for every character, and not for every story. romance is also, "i call you when im freaking out," or "i make sure you go to bed on time," or "i tell you this secret bc i trust that u won't turn it against me." these are actually examples of scenes id consider to be romantic climaxes of some of my fics haha. i kind of squeak and hide over traditional romantic stuff, and my versions of characters aren't rly that type either, so i never try to smoosh them into the archetypes.

26. How do you go about world building?

same as everything else -- i just kind of structure it to whatever makes it easiest for me to show the things im trying to show abt the characters. i mostly write in contemporary settings, so i don't have to do that much big picture work, but i try to fill the world around the characters with things that feel consistent and non-distracting. i think that setting is one of the most powerful ways to control mood, too -- like, no turning back is kinda angsty at its core, but the world includes a board game bar, which adds some whimsy to the story lmfao. and i like to think that story is kinda fun overall, because all the emotionally heavy stuff is happening in a fairly upbeat world.

in we can live forever, they're in high school, so the world is populated with things from my own experiences of being a teenager and also being a high school teacher. they have homework, they have parents who give them rules, they have shitty cars that they have to share with siblings. these things build the boundaries that remind the reader that these are stupid, besotted teens, and that's why they are being so foolish bahaha.

[agayconcept]

hey, i really hope this doesnt come off the wrong way but you need to take a step back and reprioritise your costs. the people in your doctors office are the biggest assholes in the world but you shouldnt be using money on legal fees to go after them if it means you cant afford your rent.

actually, those funds are kept completely seperate, and i'm not intending to use any of it on some stupid lawsuit. i am however going to have to pay legal fees to have a legal representative advocate for me and my rights with this doctors office. because i cannot just up and leave 'the biggest assholes' there just bc it's financially inconvenient. because this office has 4 referrals in progress for me, a disability application in the works, and have all my records - some of which have not been completed/updated yet. and they are deliberately dragging their feet on all of the above.

so if i 'just don't bother' as you're suggesting, i would have to leave and i'd lose all those referrals and have to start completely over with a new office- which the wait list for is over a year. i would also have to completely restart the 3-6 month process for my disability application- which is the main financial reason i struggle with rent costs! because i'm not on disability and need to be! because i keep being discriminated against even outside this drs office.

(on a less important note, i would also have to wait until they finish updating my records before i can even register with another dr bc they wont have any correct/up to date info on them)

hence why i HAVE to continue dealing with/through this office even though i desperately dont want to - which means i have to have advocation, support and legal knowlege- which comes from a legal rep / organization / charity (which only provide free advice, you do still have to pay them to Do Anything). it is NOT something i can do by myself. cool for you (genuinely, no sarcasm intended) if you're able to get your rights respected or have the privilege to simply say fuck it and walk away- i do not. many people do not.

i think you may have misunderstood my intentions and reality here - this is not a situation where the abuse has happened, its over and im out, and therefore it is not worth legal hassle after the fact. this is an Ongoing Situation where i am TRAPPED dealing with this until i can get what i need (records, referrals, disability application) that is legally owed to me and is my right, but is instead being witheld.

so your suggestion, going with that, would be to either abandon or put off any and all healthcare progress (and my human rights, nbd) to instead pay my rent....which is something that, worst case scenario, i cannot be evicted for immediately. there is a grace period, its in the lease. they have to give us x amount of time, or offer us the option to split the payment. they only have to provide/allow that one time, but i havent used it yet so this could be that one time if i have to. (hence my notes earlier mentioning that the new building management seeming nice so hopefully they wouldn't be fussy abt it and would give us some time - bc as ppl on the internet often forget: my mother pays half the rent. i am not totally on my own here on that at least.)

look, i get that you may have had good intentions, but don't come into a situation you don't know the details and nuances of, and tell someone what to do with their money- especially when they're using it to protect their basic human rights. i didnt ask for anyone's financial or legal advice - so idk why you felt it was wanted, needed, or necessary.

like. you dont know the whole situation, i have (obvi) not shared all the details w strangers on the internet. you cant play financial advisor to a random person whose life you don't understand. idk why ppl think they can/should, rly.

anyway, genuinely for anyone on here: if it bothers you that much that my financial situation is incredibly complicated & messy due to a myriad of reasons, and that my scraping / surviving by might not be in the exact same personal fashion you would choose yourself?

you can ignore it or unfollow me, thats all good n cool.

if that wasnt your intention, and it just came across that way, then apologies for being short, and i hope the above explanation clears up the reasoning as to why i do, in fact, need to do certain things that i'm doing.

(for future reference: anons like these will be blocked. the only reason this one wasnt was because i knew it could have been a misunderstanding. but if it isnt, and anyone decides to send stuff like this, welp, its time for my best friend the block button to come hang out)

[whoreadsnowadays]

TALK ABOUT HIM TO MEEEEE I WANNA HEAR EVERY THOUGHT FR 🗣🗣🗣

HHHHHHHHHHH OK OK OK OK-

This isn't solely gonna be abt Shatter, bc I genuinely cannot think of much to say that I haven't touched on at least a little in the actual story, and I have so much to say for 2012 Leo in general he's so hhhhh brain worms.

That being said- LEO BREAKING DOWN CRYING IN FRONT OF HIS BROTHERS. IN SHATTER OR NOT. LEO BREAKING DOWN CRYING IN FRONT OF HIS BROTHERS.

And along that line, the turtles in an extreme maybe apocalyptic situation, everyone turns to Leo like "What's the plan? What's going on what do we do?" and because Leo's in front, his back to his brothers, none of them can see the pure terror and horror on his face as he stares forward at the mess they've encountered. The others continue to prod at him, until he snaps, "Just give a second!" And the others can tell just from his voice how terrified he is- LITERALLY JUST- LEO BEING FORCED TO BE VULNERABLE AROUND HIS BROTHERS- that's my shit right there.

And, headcanons now, when he's anxious he hugs himself, rubs his arms, and paces. It gets so bad sometimes that his legs ache for days at a time, but he still has to get that pent up energy out somehow, so he ends up making the pain worse by pacing even more.

And after the leg injury/window thing he's constantly tapping his hands and his good foot, trying to get the same sensation that pacing gave him and always falling short. So every time he goes to pace he has to force himself to just pat any nearby surfaces, trying to resist the urge to get up and move around

Honestly during the farmhouse arc I feel like there isn't any part of that adventure in which he isn't on the verge of a panic attack.

SPEAKING OF PANIC ATTACKS- when he has an attack he has a tendency to hyperventilate to the point that he gets dizzy and almost faints. Usually when he gets the head rush it's like a wake up call, like "Oh you're about to pass out get your breathing under control" but sometimes when it's rly bad n he's panicking too much to fix his breathing, he'll fully collapse and faint. And while it's an incredibly unhealthy way to deal with it, he does always wake up feeling calmer. But that's just because he's too shaken up to really panic anymore.

The first time he works himself up to fainting his brothers all panic simultaneously, only for him to wake up and go "what? I fainted? Weird. Anyway."

ALSO. ADHD. THIS ASSHOLE HAS THE ADHD WITHOUT THE H. His brain is always going a thousand miles a minute, and he's gotten good at sorting through his thoughts quick enough to come up with a quick game plan, but when hes nervous or anxious or just plain scared, he has trouble sorting through everything because it's going too fast for even him

AND FREQUENT HEADACHES. This bitch gets headaches at least once every 2 weeks. Normally they aren't that bad and a nap can make them go away, but occasionally the pain will be bad enough that it has him holed up in his dark room for a whole day.

(Before u continue I must say I love Splinter he's a good character, but I am borderline Splinter bashing for the next three paragraphs)

Daddy Issues off the fucking charts. This bitch is craving validation and reassurance. He loves Splinter, and he knows Splinter loves him, he's shown that multiple times, but his sensei is just so emotionally distant that he doesn't feel entirely comfortable coming to him for reassurance or affection.

AND as an oldest child myself, I can say with confidence that this bitch has the weight of the whole household on his shoulders. Sure Splinter trains them and gives them wisdom and advice and all that, but Leo is the one to force Donnie to bed at 3am, he's the one to make Raph take breaks when training, he's the one that listens to Mikey's rants and hangs his art on the fridge.

Honestly Leo's relationship to Splinter is rly fucking interesting ok? At least the idea of it I have in my head. Leo looks up to and admires Splinter, he wants to be as good of a ninja and a leader as Splinter is. He wants to make his father proud. But also he's scared of Splinter. When anything goes wrong he knows that Splinter will look to him for an explanation, and he knows that if his explanation is less than ideal it'll be his head on the line, no matter who's fault it was. It's always "Leonardo, why were you not watching your brothers? You are their leader. You need to be leading them, keeping them out of trouble." And Leo can't help but feel annoyed as well, because really what's he going to do? Put them all on child leashes? He can't help what they do and it's unfair for Splinter to put the blame on him as well.

[dojae-huh]

hii....I am just going to pour my heart out..

My bias Is dy...i just love him no matter what...he is an interesting one to follow...but u knw it really hurt to see when he himself lose confidence in dancing when he is around pro dancers...and it even more hurts when his membrs tease him abt this..it is not that he didnt try or work hard on it...as far as I knw he is really really really improved a lot..that's who he is... he can work on matters which he lack....still he is not a good dancer??

I was watching bgj bts...evryone knw he is the least dancer among them okay I accept...even he acknowledges that...my ask is there was a moment when dy said we can ask others neos to do challenges on nct nation..then ty said yes...dy would do it...kinda teasing manner...I knw they are best friends and I have no right to intrude between them...but he was teasing dy with his dance...nd ofcrs he must have heard lot during that time..maybe that is one of the reason he is didnt do that much challenges considering how he did it with djj...even jinyoung was took a leave to do it for him...he was desperate...

My dbt is isnt he the main vocalist..if ty is dance then dy is vocal right...then all other who cant hit a highnote should get teased right??sorry for being rude..I knw in bgj team didnt need that much vocalization...I mean there were not a hignote to prove dy's worth.... the same way as a vocalist demanding him to be a great dancer is kinda like asking a fish to climb a tree...

The problem with other neos is they can boast abt dy behind his back...even ty said hidden dance machine is dy in one of the nct content..even if it is for joking saying smthng into someone's face about their weakness is very wrong right...especially people like dy is a worrywart..who lacks confidence time to time..still seeing him in a teasing manner abt dancing really breaking my heart. ..afterall they are singers..like xuimin from exo said to the new nct members that singing is imp than dancing..

Actually I dont knw how did I wrote my thought...if it is very rude pls dont get offended...I was just emotional...thankyou

Are you talking about this moment? Because there was zero teasing or mentioning of Doyoung as a dancer. Doyoung didn't say he will do challenges with non-NCT idols, he said they should seize the opportunity of NCTnation concerts and do tiktoks with other members.

You are making up an issue where there is none.

I already said that Doyoung was tired during BgJ promotion. A tiktok requires time to find and greet the other idol, to teach this other idol the dance, to coordinate and make a few takes. It's additional work. Tae was already doing it, there was no need for Do to do it (like it was with DJJ). More people will watch tiktoks with Tae anyway.

The times of Doyoung being hurt over teasing are way in the past. Please stop babying a grown up man, who everyone is looking up to/cherish in NCT. Yuta was the one who teased Do the most about dancing. Not only he asked Do for singing advice in the past, he always says on his radio show in an emergency or a difficult situation he'll ask Do for help and that Do is the most reliable person he knows.

Doyoung doesn't have interest in dancing and he doesn't put much effort into improving his skills. Not more than absolutely necessary. In his head he is a singer, he doesn't even learn musical instruments. Taeyong offered him dancing lessons before. It's Do's choice. He is good enough for a k-pop idol and doesn't bring his group down, he doesn't strive for more. It's his decision.

[doctorguilty]

I hadn't mentioned this yet but. I'm going to talk about it now

Cw talk of self harm (not graphic)

A few days after I put my two weeks notice in, a customer apparently noticed my self harm scars on my arms and went to the manager of the entire building I worked in and COMPLAINED. They said something about how my scars make them uncomfortable and make them not want to eat at the establishment.

The manager's response to this was to come to me and DEMAND I cover my scars with bandages because it "makes the company look bad." I stormed into the office, demanded to see an employee handbook, and pointed out there is nothing in writing that says I need to cover scars. They are not bleeding, they are not a food safety hazard in any way, nor breaching uniform/piercing/tattoo policy.

I was told I was "taking it too personally." I said it WAS personal, people need to mind their damn business, and it's discrimination. I never threw a fit so hard at work before, like, I was yelling. It took every ounce of restraint not to impulsively throw my hat on the ground like a cartoon character and quit on the spot (for personal reasons, I chose to finish my two weeks).

I've been thinking a lot about it, it's very haunting. Not just that my employer demanded such a thing from me, but the fact that a customer, seeing someone like me who clearly suffers from severe mental health issues, had the audacity to complain about my body simply existing in front of them. Someone really behaved that way.

I battle depression and I am a survivor of times I was close to losing, and that battle has not ended to this day. My scars, in various places on my body, often make me feel ugly and that in and of itself is a battle sometimes against my low self esteem.

I don't feel there is enough awareness and positivity for people who have self harm scars. We aren't represented a lot, and when we are, it's in a negative light, and for those of us who do try to represent ourselves, I've seen accusations from people on tumblr even that we're "romanticing" self harm. Simply by drawing ourselves or characters with self harm scars just, existing. Just having them on their body.

I think if other people's bodies make you uncomfortable, that's your problem, not mine.

So I just wanted to say, in light of that horrible event that happened to me I think it's something I want to explore more in my art and represent without shame. And I do hope maybe my art will have a positive or even inspirational impact to other people who struggle like I do. But if nothing else, I feel I want to express my right to exist and be represented positively.

Thank you for listening

[wanderingwomanwondering]

911 Eddie/Buddie Thoughts, eps 413-501

*a long post and no gifs, I’m so sorry*

Can we talk abt the fact that in 413 bathena have an argument about not being partners and how that parallels eddie’s tendency to be an emotional loner, not revealing his heart until his feelings bubble over? He struggles to trust/confide in others bc he struggles to trust/be honest with himself abt how he feels/what he needs. His reasons are diff than athena’s but it’s still a parallel behavior.

Also in 413 eddie is helping a kid who’s mom is hurting him. That feels parallel at least partially to shannon abandoning christopher which caused harm. Eddie is focused on the kid/christopher, focused on helping him…to the complete exclusion of himself and his needs. This is why he chose to continue with ana supposedly for chris’s sake despite carla’s golden advice. Tho we all suspect that chris doesn’t like ana as much as he lets on/as much as eddie wants to believe. But that’s a side note rn.

Then cut to the end of 413, the gunshot scene. Knowing what we know now from 501, basically eddie taking that bullet is a catalyst. The beginning of the end of loner, partner-averse eddie. It’s the start of him needing to reckon with his own wants needs and desires. He’s not going to stop considering chris obviously but he does need to look at himself his life his heart and what makes him happy. Remember Shannon’s complaint in their marriage was that she needed a partner, and now he’s reckoning with the fact that he wants/needs one too, and not just at work.

There are one or two very grounded non-clown ways to read that gsw scene bc dude was just shot out of the blue and there was plenty of shock and fear to go around. But through the clowning glass, we can also see it as a reiteration that buck and eddie are in fact partners in a big way. They just rescued a kid together just like they’ve worked tirelessly together to save countless other people before him. They are partners. At work. I would argue also in life but I’ll get to that later.

Eddie’s prolonged eye contact with buck, reaching for him. Buck’s shock and terror, staring deeply into Eddie’s eyes and watching him bleed. That whole scene begged the question “now who’s going to save eddie?” Literally and figuratively.

The show starts with the literal answer. buck. It’s finally buck. In 414 he hauled him up, dressed his wound, begged him to stay with him and to live. In Eddie Begins, buck was an onlooker, eddie saved himself in true eddie fashion, but in 414 buck ran point on saving him. Buck dragged him to safety, buck lifted him up, buck stopped the bleeding, and buck served as his lifeline begging him to stay/live.

The other interesting thing I noticed about the scene in 414 in the fire truck on the way to the hospital is that *eddie is not wearing his saint christopher medal*. Buck rips open his shirt to stop the bleeding and the medal is not there. It’s absence is loud af. I squinted to see if it had just slid to the side when buck laid him down but i couldn’t see it at all! Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Anyway that choice, to have the medal not be there or not be visible in that particular scene is huge bc that entire sequence from gunshot to arrival at the hospital is just abt eddie (and buck). In a way, in those scenes at least, buck is wo his armor (firefighter uniform) and eddie is wo his armor (the medal). They are vulnerable in those scenes physically (out in the open, exposed to the shooter) and emotionally (not shielded by their personally meaningful protective items). Combined with the staring and the reaching it’s a big indication that things are abt to get deeper between them (fingers crossed).

Back to 501. remember eddie’s been shot before, in combat. I think what makes the sniper situation important is not just that he could have died (he’s been there done that got the silver star) but that he’s not who he was the last time he almost died by gsw. He’s in LA now, he’s not in the military, chris is growing up, he has the fire fam, he has buck, he’s a widower. Eddie is growing, changing. starting to recognize his emotional needs bc for the first time in his life there’s room/opportunity to do that in a big way and not necessarily have it implode his marriage, piss off his family, hurt chris, or ruin his career. IF he actually confronts himself head on and deals with all the stuff beneath the surface. Repressed. This gunshot isn’t exactly abt his mortality but his quality of life. asking him what’s his life abt and more importantly how can he be his whole authentic self complete with his very own emotions needs and desires embracing love care and support leaning on others. Remember in that one therapy session he had those are the things he wants for chris. Now he has to find and choose those same things for himself.

In 414 by the time eddie is in the hospital, the medal is back and prominent in every scene. He’s back to framing his relationship with buck in terms of chris. But he’s the one making decisions for chris. What he wants for himself and for buck isnt irrelevant here. If it was all abt chris and only chris i think eddie would have told buck abt the will ages ago. If it was all about chris and only chris eddie maybe wouldn’t have struggled so much to say that he made buck chris’s legal guardian if he dies. Nah. I think eddie sees buck as his partner in life too on some level but he couldn’t accept/say that plainly. He had to make it abt only chris in his head in order to be okay with linking their trio of lives together forever through the guardian decision. I mean eddie didn’t even tell buck abt the legal guardian decision bc he was shot, he told him bc buck thought he was expendable! Instead of shaking him and saying you are not and never will be expendable to me, he chose to disclose the will. It was effective for sure. Evan heard him loud and clear. But wow you gave buck a whole ass person, like the person most important to you in the world?? And didn’t say anything until you survived a sniper an effing year later?? That’s a hell of a choice!

Anyway i really hope eddie and buck are on their way to being together bc i can’t take much more of this. Before they get there tho my dude eddie has a lot of work to do this season!

I reference 408 and go into more thoughts on 501 here. I blab abt the heart transplant metaphor in 501 as well as my spec abt parts of 502 by extension here. I am dying to talk abt these arcs y’all like srsly so feel free to rb/comment.

[yakocchi]

Becoming a Family With Him, Part 3 // Shuichi, Hikaru, Rhion, Luke, Eisuke

so this came out, as further celebration for the anni. VERY GOOD, much more appreciated than the prior story set lol that one was kind of boring but i get it

they made the kids for all the... kid-less ones, and the eisuke one that used to be VIP-exclusive is now here for everyone to buy (rip those ppl who gacha for it)

my rambling behind the cut (spoilers!!)

shuichi // as ud expect, shuichi has a literal hime ass looking girl (kikyo) for a daughter. she’s only 6, but is pretty calm and ladylike. She even calls her parents with –sama so... ok luckily shuichi does not strip down all the way in the presence of her daughter and only takes off his suit coat. thanks dad

anyway since shuichi has a break coming up, he wants to have a family trip how nice. but then the dang girl wants to go over to see eisuke WHAT when soryu exists and lives a block away? unrelatable, im closing the app anyway eisuke is her first love, which wtf he’s like 20 yrs older than u. even worse, mc says she’s been in love since she was like 3.

shuichi is reconsidering the benefits of democracy in his mind but eventually relents. but then they’re still following the fucc-days rule they set years ago. well, as he says in the story, RULES ARE RULES

blah blah i don’t want to go over everything bc then it’ll be boring reading the story when it comes out in engl right? also im tired bc it’s 1 am and i just want to play toontown in bed but nothing really bad happens. they are a v cute family bc shuichi is a pleasant and mature dad. kikyo and mc even do a little surprise for him at the end and it is very sweet. i feel like out of all the families, this is the most ideal

mad hatter // so they have twin sons named Rui and Kai. Rui is the childlike one that resembles Rhion in personality, Kai is the more mature one that resembles Al. man i forget that boy’s name but u get me i know they only can use stock bgs but it’s killing me that these dang kids get to sleep in what looks like separate king sized beds.

even though rhion is now a father of two, he still acts like... 10. i mean he still horni but it makes me feel weird

later it’s revealed that Ota teaches them both as an art tutor bc they both showed an interest in art. this is cute bc ota is bad with kids in this universe LOL

the ending on this one was weird cuz the kids didn’t show up in the entirety of the last ep bc it was about WORK. so uh... interesting

hikaru // so their son is named akari. haha get it because it means light. like how hikaru also means light. can mc name her kids unrelated to their father or is that against the Geneva convention

this kid actually acts like an actual little boy. like what hikaru would’ve probably turned into if not for the whole sad backstory. the story starts with akari just bringing a dog randomly home one day. he actually saved the dog (it is very cute bc he did not want the dog to cry), and then after a talk they decide to keep the dog as long as akari knows the responsibility of taking care of an animal.

so next day, the bidders come over to their house and everyone’s like woaw a dog. lol they come into their house as guests and eisuke and mamo still demand for beverages, they all suck

akari names the dog... “Light” (Raito) and i want out of this nightmare. Naturally bc Light is an abandoned dog it’s still kind of bad with interacting with things. But then Light suddenly be giving the ( ╹ਊ╹) to soryu bc remember, animals love him. everyone clowns on soryu for being an unintentional dog whisperer and then akari is like “soryu san pls make me ur apprentice” and he gives some advice like approaching it slowly, and talking to it from the front instead of back.

blah blah there’s a situation where Light goes YEET after a Doberman gets all angry and then hides bc then another dog is scaring it. hikaru swoops in to the save the day as the Real Dog Whisperer. ok it’s cute when hikaru actually gets to look cool  for once LOL

luke // luke is cute on the bc “pre-story” scene he’s actually pretty open to the idea of having kids; he actually goes “well imo we should think abt it pretty soon, but i wanted to hear ur opinion on it” but then he gets horni. and then he’s like “our kids are going to have your collarbones. awesomeee im looking forward to that” ....ok

ok cut to the actual story and they’re in Japan. Luke’s kid looks... strange versus the others. why are his eyes so big? omg voltage his eyes arent going to be saucers just cuz he half white also the kid’s name is Yuri (Or Urey). They couldn’t think of any other Brit-styled names? Like Harry? Henry? William? Wilfred? hey stan be my princess btw he’s pretty cute, though he gives serious “timid kid that gets bullied in the children’s movie” vibes. He calls Luke “daddy” and mc “mammy/mommy”.

so luke talks about his relationship w/ soryu and eisuke and then yuri is like “i want friends like that” wow cute but also find less ethically-complicated friends

so luke lets yuri meet a young patient of his (haru) so they can be friends. they get along so it’s good. haru gets in critical condition later so luke zooms outta there to do the operation.

LOL but at the end yuri is like, “i want to make more friends. (...) can i go to the bidder’s room from now on?” this boy works fast

And then he’s like “Eisuke-san... please be my friend.” HIS POWER. even eisuke was like :O so then eisuke orders a whole bunch of food and books up to the penthouse. But then yuri’s like “...i like eisuke’s eyes” and everyone’s like oh man that’s gonna be his fetish

Baba: why have u started to have an interest in eyes Yuri: I read it from one of daddy’s medical books Hikaru: wtf u can read that at 4??? (...) Soryu: wat Yuri: um... i want soryu to be my friend too Yuri: bc soryu’s eyes are also powerfully cool...

eisuke // ok this gets an extended ramble bc the more annoying the story the longer i must complain

so you might be thinking, “oh so this is gonna be a flashback in some in media res styled story with your 2 kids, u know in the style of the others” and well, no you just go straight to white screen into the flashback, back when eito was smaller and thus a little more cute. well it’s not really false advertising bc they did say “reminisce” in the description. but i wanted to see eito be a good big brother for a moment! or... less good? man i wanted to see kaito go waaaah like a baby idk i wanted to see him exist

so back to the story they cut to small eito. even as a smaller punk he does fight with his dad a little, just w/ a more narrow vocabulary to work with. tho at this point he’s still pretty sweet so clearly eisuke clowning him day and night was a negative effect on his development. (doesn’t treat his child like a child) (child grows up to a punk that doesn’t respect him) (surprised pikachu) being the son of a billionaire means that this child has to go study at a very young age and listen to MOZART. no child of eisuke ichinomiya will be listening to degenerate bops like lee taemin’s criminal next day they all go to the very fancy school that eito will be attending. eisuke does a speech, but then eito is all like “why is papa over there all the time” in reference to how all the other parents in attendance are having fun with their children, but eisuke is busy talking to other people for business and connections etc. etc. mc kind of has a hard time trying to explain it to eito bc... it’s honestly poor parenting... eiji shows up after arriving late, and he’s like “gramps is gonna be with ya today! instead of papa” which is cute but then she’s like psst thanks for coming and im like oh... so grandpa just didn’t randomly come to the open house for fun he’s just gonna be surrogate dad while real dad is busy... aw... and then at the end eito’s like FUC THIS KINDERGARTEN. eisuke is like “(smh) don’t yell in public. (despite everything) you are still the eldest son of the Ichinomiya family”

and so afterwards it’s clear that eito does not want anything to do with this school. he just sits in the classroom until mc is there to pick him up instead of playing in the courtyard or w/e, wanting nothing to do with the other kids.

so later there’s a hiking trip for the students and both of their parents, and mc asks eisuke if he’ll be available for it. eisuke is like, “i have a business trip that day, so I’ll have to adjust my schedule” and he’s been very busy in the opening of a new business or w/e. mc tells him to not do so much for something like that and that it’s ok if she goes alone with eito on the trip.

it’s the day of the trip, and mc goes alone with eito. she notes that a lot of dads did indeed come along for the trip. she apologizes to eito and says that she did talk to eisuke about the trip before, but he’s simply busy for this day. and im like... but girl, you were the one who told him not to change his schedule for the trip. yes a trip may seem less important than business ventures, but don’t make it sound like you weren’t the one who stopped him. lol. idk why im pressed abt this single line of dialogue bc later she does realize she fucced up there well eito is just like w/e about it and has pretty much accepted that sort of thing

anyway eito goes missing later and one of the kids said that he told eito that his dad (eisuke) didn’t come bc his dad thinks that his work is more important than his son. so eito got mad and ran off somewhere

and then mc finally gets the lightbulb moment that eito... wants to see his dad!! he ran off to go try to see him somehow??? !! wow so sweet

it’s raining like a mf but then in her search for eito eisuke randomly pops out of nowhere. He’s like “ho i did not remember saying that i wasn’t coming” and she’s like “im sorrryyy” and both me and him are like “just find the dang kid”

ok yea they find eito, he starts being a good student, and u start to see where he starts being antagonistic towards his dad LOL etc. etc. lol this story annoyed me so i don’t feel like doing the rest of the play by play orz

anyway thanks for reading my garbage LOL

[luobingmeis]

i have a genuine arcana question! I really want to play it and actually did part of it a while back, but i really felt like it was a bit of a money sink... it seemed really cool so i guess im wondering if its worth it?

i'm putting this under the cut just bc it got long!!! :D

okay so!!! i have honestly been thinking abt this a lot and, like, i will admit that i was kinda retroactively shocked by how uhhh quickly i spent like Real Money on the arcana? i think that's kinda like the kicker of having a lot of like $1/$5 options? to be fair as much as i am living in the arcana rn, it's whole play model Does seem to be based in, ah, microtransactions!

and like for a hot minute, i was quick to drop like small amounts on coins bc i do work, so i had the mantra of "well i'm getting paid in a week so-" but still i'd be careful with that!! like i've been playing for almost a month and it was really in that first week where i was like "well $1/$5... it's not that much" which like! tbh i don't wanna be like "no never spend money on a game ever" bc that'd make me. a hypocrite! and also to a degree, like, ik people talk abt microtransactions a lot in video games, but i don't think any in-game purchase at all is a bad thing, and i think it's fine to treat yourself once in a while! but also i am purposely replaying julian's route (and replaying it slowly) so that i can start racking up coins to carry over into the replay/the next arc i want to play (because you get free coins every day from the tarot daily section, and 40 coins per day by watching ads)

but also!! i think it's also good to just kinda think abt the kind of person you are when it comes to spending? like to put myself on blast, i have become Very Prone to impulse purchasing, especially when i'm in a rough patch, bc apparently retail therapy is a very real thing akjdsjksdkj so after i finished julian's route, i metaphorically sat myself down and was like "nope, no, this cannot become a habit!!! the coined options will still be there later, you can take your time and replay the game, which you want to do anyway"

but that is also bc i Know that i have... the type of personality that really latches onto stuff like that? like, little things that, on it's own, don't cost a lot of money, and it makes me feel happy, so i'm like "well, it's only X amount!" and then. yeah.

but also i have to be transparent here and say that i am also coming from a place of like. privilege, where i'm working full-time and i still live at home, so there is a degree of financial security that allows for me to have spending money. which is also why i don't want to uncritically be like "go ahead! treat yourself!" bc like, it might also be dependent on your current situation!!

and also my more harsher critique of the arcana Asides from the paywall is that like....... tbh the better scenes in the game Are behind the in-game coin paywall (and also tbh only 3 of the 6 arcs are enticing enough to me to consider grinding for coins to parry that paywall). and that tbh is def part of the business model bc, like, a lot of the free options cut off the chapters so quickly and that to me isn't worth it, like being very frank if i only chose the options that didn't use the coins, idk if i would have liked it nearly as much

so tldr (i'm sorry i ramble), the arcana has become what i have latched onto right now, and i love the story! however, i will be honest, most of that "worth" factor comes from the content behind the in-game paywall, which is then behind an actual real paywall. so if you're in a place where you have some spending money and won't blow a shit-ton of money on a game, then the choice is up to you! i don't want any of this to feel like i am Telling you what to do with your money, and at least how i see it, what helped me was essentially telling myself "you are forming a habit that will dig you into such a deep hole, just take your time, save up the in-game currency, and replay." so like!! i think the arcana as a game is very fun and i am fixating so hard on it rn, however whether it's Worth the paywall is dependent on your situation, i think

(and also just bc i'm Anxious, i would consider this less advice and more so "hey, i'm someone with an impulse spending habit and here is how i see/navigate the arcana paywall")

(edit: okay i'm rewording my take on the free arcana content, bc it's not that it's not good! closer to the end of julian's route, i started being a lot more picky with What coined options i used, and i still had a very fun time!! and tbh that gave me incentive to want to replay bc now i have new stuff to still look forward to!! it's more so that the scenes unlocked with the coined options are very fun, and i think they're a good incentive to save up for!!! :D)

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

(tw mentions of trauma, no details of it)hi i need help i think or at least info dump if u dont mind :(

currently i identify as pan/biromantic because i love everybody (leaving sexuality out for now bc i think thats a bit more complicated) but recently i started doubting. i dont know if its bc im traumatized and i just have a hard time getting close to people enough to feel love or if i just dont do it at all? recently some1 im in a qpr has confessed their (romantic?) love for me and i loved them the best i could but i dont think it was enough. idk if it was a love language thing or if im not capable of showing the love they were talking about. i dont think i romantically like them (thats a whole other issue) but like what if i dont actually feel romantic love at all? i love my friends and i believe in platonic love and sometimes the line is blurred (like qprs). for example i have one friend who i really like (platonic?) and for me it is sometimes blurred but idk if its just a deep platonic relationship (qpr???) or if its a romantic type but i am just too scared to think that im romantic to him bc hes my friend and i dont want to ruin what we have. bc dont friends still hold hands and stuff :( i think abt stuff like kissing but im also scared of intimacy (trauma tingz) or maybe thats an aro thing??

i want to love romantically i think but like what if it isnt what i think it is? i realized im not sure what that feels or looks like anymore all i know is what ive seen in the movies--aromantic people are not broken!!!!! i truly believe that :) - but i feel broken?? like theres something wrong with me and i cant feel the same love like others. i dont understand whats happening or why im feeling this is :( maybe im on the aro spectrum? or maybe this is something to work out w a professional? im just so confused

any help or thoughts is greatly appreciated 🥺🥺

please take ur time w this ask!! i know its kind of,, a lot i kinda info dumped on u :( im so confused about myself

So let’s break this apart a bit.

First of all a lot of people have trouble distinguishing what is romance or not, or romantic attraction or not. And it’s really hard to define and explain, even by people who know they’re experiencing it. And for some people the lines are blurred or they genuinely can’t tell at all. So it’s hard in general, even without trauma making it difficult. 

If you’re interested, the faq for this blog goes into some detail about distinguishing romantic/platonic/alterous attraction. So that may be helpful for you. But honestly my biggest advice is to just check out aro forums/blogs/media etc and seeing if it’s relatable and taking your time, sometimes it needs to time to marinate before you can really tell you’re not experiencing an attraction, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

For the trauma, it can be really hard to separate out what’s trauma and what’s just how you’d have been anyways. And honestly, you don’t actually have to and that may be helpful. One way I like to look at it is if you match an experience or find a label useful, does it matter if there’s a cause? Also there’s always a cause, just is it the trauma specifically or some unique interaction of genes and other experiences that lead you to be this way? And the other thing if trauma is a factor could things change down the road? And the answer is maybe. But maybe someone else has a fluid orientation and it changes for them later too, it doesn’t make it less valid in the moment. 

So yeah maybe the reason you think you could be aro and you’re having trouble connecting to romantic feelings/attraction is trauma. But it doesn’t mean if you think aro woud be a useful label for you that you can’t use it. And it doesn’t mean you can’t keep healing and exploring either, but it’s up to you to decide what feels right. 

Remember that there is a different between feeling broken and being broken. And a lot of people when they’re first realising they could be aro feel broken, and it’s something a lot of people go through. It’s OK to have those feelings early on, but try and remember they’re feelings, and that doesn’t make them fact. Also one thing a lot of people have found have helped with those feelings is connecting to other aros and the aro community, and seeing aros who are cool people or happy or good with their identity can help a lot to feel less broken, and even if you decide you’re not aro in the end this can still be helpful and help take the pressure off when figuring out your label. That you can find happiness either way.

I can’t tell you how you should handle the situation with your qpp, except to say don’t be afraid to take the path that feels right for you. We live in a culture that really teaches a one way to happiness and to dealing with these situations, but there isn’t actually a wrong choice here, if you should try a romantic relationship or not. And honestly there’s risks either way, so it’s best to let your own feelings guide you. Sometimes we may make the wrong choice out of fear as well (and either choice could be that), but if that happens the important thing is you learn and you’re more ready next time a similar situation comes up. 

Should you get help from a professional? You absolutely can, and some people do find that helpful. Make sure you find a therapist who is open minded about aromanticism and aro identities and won’t push you towards allonormativity. And remember you can switch therapists or fire a therapist at any time if they’re doing that. Identity is really complicated and personal too though, so I wouldn’t say it’s necessary, but they may be able to help you navigate the trauma side of it better. But it’s up to you what path you think is best for you.

This is a lot of text, but to sum up, take your time and explore, and slowly things should start to make more sense, but don’t rush it. And try not to panic or be afraid of whatever identity ends up feeling right for you in the end. 

All the best and good luck!

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[flying-elliska]

Ellie I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I actually want to say thank you for posting so openly about your diagnoses and struggles because I am going through something very similar, and it’s actually helped me reach out for help with my mental health. I’m 32 and after my moms death last year I am discovering that not only am I fairly certain that I have ADHD but, I’m starting to realize that I have spent my whole life dealing with Emotional Incest from my mother and that’s something I do not know how to even approach.

I have literally felt like I’ve been going crazy and functioning in the world is becoming harder and harder each day. I feel like I don’t have a handle on anything and I am constantly overwhelmed to a point where I don’t know how to cope but seeing you dealing with this is giving me some hope. I know I’m probably not the only person you’ve helped indirectly so please know that you’re not only helping yourself but you’re encouraging me and probably others to do the same. I really hope you find some peace and happiness today.

Anon 💖💖💖 thanks for reaching out, it means so much. I actually had a good (but exhausting) day - I confronted an acquaintance about him being a clueless asshole to some of my other friends, which I don't think I would have had the guts to do in the past. So maybe not peace and happiness, but definitely some satisfaction.

First of all I am very proud of you for reaching out and I am glad I could help in whatever small way I could. I am also sorry for what you went through and still have to deal with. I know it sucks. I am right there too rn in feeling how much it sucks. I think it's an important step to recognize that. IT FUCKING SUCKS. Because personally for a loooong time I was just pretending everything was fine, making excuses for the people who hurt me, but I was just running myself ragged and feeling so hollow and splintered and just.... And coming to a point where i'm finally looking these things in the face, and all that buried crap resurfaces...it's honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, just putting some of these things to paper, trying to do this all month, it's so ughhhhhhh fuck man. It's ugly work, I hate it, but at the same time, sometimes, it feels empowering too and like I am returning to myself and picking up all these shattered pieces and recognizing that part of me that suffered and deserved better that I tried so hard to deny and deaden. Reclaiming my ability to control my own narrative.

So honestly from what you're describing, I think it's very logical that you are having a hard time and feel overwhelmed. Hell, they say during recovery at the beginning it generally gets worse for a while before it gets better. So...even tho it sucks, in a sense, it might be a good thing ? I know it is for me. Much better than previous numbness and dissociation. The pain of truth is purifying - it's so different from the pain of secrets and shame festering in silence. Am I coping very well right now ? No, but I'm learning, and I'm also having these occasional moments of inner reconciliation and mending that feel miraculous ; like that scared, confused inner little girl I used to be feels increasingly less alone and trampled over.

Anyway the good news is that when it comes to ADHD, treatment has a high chance to have a radical positive impact, it's one of the diagnoses where finding the right combo of therapy/meds/lifestyle changes leads to some of the highest rates of positive change. So I really hope you get there.

The rest is...yeah I don't know how to deal with that either, I'm still figuring it out. My relationship with my mother was for so long such a fucking clusterfuck of layers of manipulation, unaddressed generational trauma, repressed grief, good intentions, petty cruelty, inappropriate behavior, unfortunate circumstances and neglect, over projection and blind devotion and gaslighting, enmeshment and lack of boundaries, abuse done for "your own good" with a smile and a reasonable explanation - it made me feel insane for so long, like I couldn't trust my own feelings or perceptions. And every time I felt like I had addressed one layer I hit on something else, to the point where I started to feel like I would never be free of it. I haven't seen her or properly talked to her in like, seven years and still all this time I was struggling with it - it was necessary to cut contact tho, to assert that boundary. And then to keep building boundaries from there, slowly, frustratingly, to keep digging and asking myself questions. I got stuck and lost so many times, but I feel like I'm finally reaching the end of the tunnel, because knowledge is one of the most powerful things in the world.

Real talk, the emotional incest thing ? I think my mother had a similar dynamic with her own father. And she tried to do better, but because she was unwilling to look at the true ugliness of the situation, instead choosing to wallpaper over it with magical thinking, everything-will-be-fine-if-i-convince-myself-it-is, and an obsession with moral purity, she ended up doing a massive amount of damage of her own. And I am not doing that.

There is a radical power that comes with facing the ugliness head on that I am claiming for myself, and it seems that you are embarking on a similar journey. It's a big thing so we can't do it all at once. I think doing sth like this you have to pace yrself, to chew off little piece by piece, to digest bit by bit, to let some things rot and dissolve, to go through many cycles of doubt and indignity and revelation, to hunt for the truth on pure Instinct and desperate need, to claw off a path from the dark and the impossible, to consider incompatible and paradoxical truths, to let every new bit of knowledge work its way through you and make you stronger and stranger and more yourself. To let yrself be a little bit crazy and seething and deranged, to shake loose the confines of what you thought was reasonable, to find gifts and allies in unlikely places. To expose, to open up, little by little, to find scraps of words that turn into full sentences, to take back power by finding the right name of things. And then, one day, we'll give birth to ourselves this time and we'll find the sun-bleached bones of this horror and make it into jewelry. Or something.

You don't have a handle on things ? Good ! It's probable you have had a handle on things for way too long. Your handle is probably completely broken. So I don't know you, but maybe this is good, in all its harsh inconvenient terrifying way. I know I had to throw away the handle I had first to build a new one. And flying loose for a moment which yeah ! Fucking scary. But also kind of badass, in that private way maybe nobody will ever know but you and so it's extra important you give yourself that credit.

Anyway I'm rambling but I do hope some of this gives you some extra validation. I'm here if you want to talk more, including by message. I know it's helped me so much to read abt other people's experiences, so. It's like a chain of courage, and you can be part of that too.

Also books have helped me so much - some fiction, but especially of late 'Tiny Beautiful Things' by Cheryl Strayed - she's an advice columnist who writes about some super gnarly stuff in such a direct, humane, powerful way, it gave me a lot of strength.

Power and solace to you, anon. 🌸💪🌸💪

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

Hamilton!firstprince au

(cross posted from twitter with a couple of edits b/c i couldn’t make them there)

in which i loosely follow the plot of hamilton except its firstprince and alex and henry get a happy ending. inspired by the striking similarities i noted between our favorite first son and his namesake hamilton in the broadway musical

the similarities:

both have/will have a political career

both often talk too much/don't mind their words

both began as lawyers

both extremely motivated but overwork themselves (“nonstop” +  “you have a fire under ur ass for no good goddamn reason)

both had some sort of sex scandal that impacted their career plans

hamilton speculated to be bi

the story

the setup of the colonized country alex lives in is similar to the usa vs england but fictional bc alexs race would have limited his opportunities in america's early years

idk names for either of these countries so its now the colony and the motherland

alex + his mom live alone in the poorer southern part of the colony

but his dad + june live elsewhere + they dont rly contact e/o (tho they do know of e/o’s existence)

june becomes a journalist who writes important pieces abt independence

when alex comes of age his mom reveals she used to be part of the rebellion

thats actually why his dad left to raise june bc it was too dangerous

his parents met in the rebellion but oscar left first for june while ellen stayed until she realized she was pregnant w alex

ellen still has some rebel contacts but she mostly sheltered alex to keep him safe

now tho alex decides to join too + the rebellion sends him up north to the capital for an education bc he's smart + they need people like that

he attends uni + meets like-minded people there

tension grows btwn the colony in the motherland, and alex + his friends write/speak out often and this goes on throughout their schooling

they’re also troublemakers in general too, much to the annoyance of the motherland soldiers stationed in the capital to prevent rebellion

henry is one of those soldiers

he's from a noble family in the motherland but was sent overseas as the sort of black sheep of the family due to his sexuality

the idea was to let him be in charge in the colony + reestablish a reputation there w/o embarrassing the main family back home

henry hates his job + feels bad for the colonists but still does what he's told anyway

alex + fhis riends like to bug motherland soldiers for fun

nothing  enough to put their lives in danger too much (although yes that too esp when drunk)

henry becomes a favorite target of alex's bc he's awfully stoic + statue like + on the way to uni - overall fun to antagonize 

there's also the fact that alex is angry at all the soldiers for oppressing the colony + holding up the motherland monarchs tyranny (but also alex just is the type to fight literally everything and anything) 

it becomes almost a daily ritual for them to argue 

henry wonders why this colonist keeps on picking a fight w him but soon almost looks forward to it

many of the other soldiers know or speculate why henry is in the colony but none make the effort to get to know him; some even call him arrogant or undeserving of his position

alex doesn't 

of course alex also doesn't know him

and alex hates him

but he doesn't whisper behind henry's back

henry comes to read some of the essays alex publishes speaking out against the monarchy + also hears alex speak to crowd in the square

alex is a talented + charismatic public speaker

henry finds himself growing increasingly sympathetic to the colonists cause

at the same time he and the other soldiers are order to be stricter and dole out more punishments

the others gleefully do so which makes henry concerned about alex's safety bc alex often seems to have no self-preservation skills

henry asks alex for a word when he's alone 

“am I in trouble?” “no but you bloody will be if u keep going on like this” 

“this is serious” “so am I” “you can't go around saying things so openly you'll get yourself killed”

alex tries to leave at this point “I think I'll be ok” but henry shoves him against the nearest wall 

“listen to me! stop acting like this is a game! ur putting ur sodding life in danger! I dont bloody care what ur opinions r but why must u declare them around enemy soldiers? how is this helpful 2 ur cause? u cant fight if ur dead” 

“you'd b surprised how effective martyrs are” 

cue enraged henry noises 

alexs gaze turns hard “listen i  appreciate/the advice” he says sarcastically “but I dont need an enemy telling me what to do. I can take care of myself” 

there's a stirring in alexs chest after he removes henry's hand and stalks off that he's pretty sure is anger

like it can't be anything else 

while alex is trying to convince himself of that, the tensions boil over + soon the two sides are on the brink of war then the fighting starts

henry + alex don't talk much for a while bc they're both busy on their sides preparing

school is on hold during the war so alex + his friends are looking to serve + bring glory to their names 

alex esp is recognized for his intelligence + becomes the recognized general rafael lunas secretary

luna is the george washington figure in this case who is impressed by alex wants him as his right-hand man

alex is disappointed his role is not on the battlefield bc he knows he has a good tactical mind + he could change the tide of a losing war + gain honor and status thru it, which would put him in a good position to be elected in the future

as secretary, alex is in charge of a lot of important correspondence eg for more supplies + men, so the motherland soldiers figure ambushing him off the battlefield would make things hard for the colonists

henry overhears this plan + immediately worries for alex's safety but he's cornered by another soldier to talk strategy + misses the chance to take out the men then

henry manages to catch that they're going to attack alex at night when he leaves + henry arrives just in time to kill them in a panic

alex hears the gunshot + yells “drop ur weapon”, drawing his own gun

henry obviously does + alex inspects the scene he keeps a gun fixed on henry

“what's going on?” he asks, eyeing henry w/ suspicion

henry explains everything + looks positively terrified bc he just betrayed his side even tho the motherland and his family has treated him like shit since he came out but still. 

becoming an outright traitor is not something henry ever planned + leaving behind everything he's ever known w no hope of ever going back is terrifying

but he also doesn't regret protecting alex

alex questions henry but can quickly tell henry is sincere + is telling the truth

henry explains his change of heart + they have a heartfelt moment in/just outside luna's office.

alex almost died + henry just switched sides, emotions are running high and they escalate into a kiss. the moon is out + it's all very romantic but they don't admit their feelings yet

soon after they go to luna, explain the situation + talk w the other generals/people in charge

henry is sent away on an assignment + is watched closely at first but he proves his loyalty quickly

henry and alex write letters back + forth that turn into love letters 

besides managing correspondence for luna, some of alexs ideas of sneak attacks/stealing supplies help turn the tide of the war andhe also writes to other countries for foreign aid

eventually the colonists win in this huge up start that no one anticipated bc the motherland is known as the most powerful country in the world

he + henry reunite in the capital of once the war is over

alex finishes up his studies + practices law + soon is chosen to be part of the new lawmaking body

things are going pretty well for alex w his legal + political success and his relationship with henry

they dont live together but theyre dating tho no one else knows

alex pretends to be single instead + says he doesn't want to be tied down

it works while he's still in his early 20s but as he gets closer to 30, people start to find it strange + tell him he needs to settle

being married to his work is also not a valid excuse anymore

it turns out alex made quite a few political enemies due to his strong opinions that he always vocalises + can be unwilling to compromise on

they don't like his ideas or more often hate him and hence his ideas too

they look for some dirt on him bc atm he has lunas support which has a lot of sway + decide they need to find out why he hasn't married

they manage to find out about henry + threaten to tell the public

alex is obviously distraught re the consequences personally + politically

so alex and henry discuss what to do 

henry is willing to put alexs political career 1st but firmly explains their relationship can't continue if that's the case

henry gave up his whole life + any possibility of going back to his family so he's not willing to be someone's dirty little secret  

alex doesn't know what to do so he goes to consult luna who he's become very close with over the years

luna is not quite old enough to be his father but he's like an uncle + he always calls alex “kid”, much to alex's annoyance

but alex knows he'll have some good advice

alex + luna end up having a long conversation

like washington luna has always been very vocal abt his regrets re his naivety + desire for glory back in his youth

hes always said that this was his greatest regret in life. but then he tells alex like he had another great regret in life- letting go of the love of his life

alex is surprised bc luna's never mentioned anyone special

“who is she?” 

“he” luna corrects “he was my best friend. we had something a relationship but it was short-lived bc I decided I wanted to join the military + attain glory. i thought thats what i wanted in life. turns out that stuff is meaningless w/o anyone to share it w. nor did I even achieve it. perhaps i did accomplish some things but now in my retirement I have no one by my side. i have found that life is meaningless without love and family.  

“i tried to find my friend to reconnect after all these years even as simply friends but he died in the war. alex, I see many similarities between us. don't make the same mistake that I did, alexander. glory + lasting legacy mean nothing if you're alone in the end

“if you make choices that are motivated by love and family you will be a lot happier”

alex takes his advice even though he kind of hates sort of giving up to his enemies

he decides to choose henry and his own happiness over politics bc in the end he's done a lot of good work and that much is enough

also his enemies probably would try to blackmail him throughout his career if he was doing something against their interests

so he + henry leave the capital and move uptown and the two of them have a quiet retirement + engage in philanthropy for the rest of their lives

separately they've amassed a decent amount of money - henry kept a portion of his inheritance despite being unofficially disowned and alex made a lot of money as a lawyer and then politician

as it turns out alex still has a tangential role in politics when some of his former allies go to him for advice

all in all, alex happy with his final decision to be with henry and step away from politics

the two of them live happy and full lives together

[iraprince]

i saw your advice on breaking down tasks to be so small that you can handle them, any advice for when the task of breaking down a task feels too big? specifically i am in my first semester of college and im about 4 weeks behind in one of my classes and its stressing me out so bad i cant do any of my homework now. thanks

hmm... i have LOTS of experience with being behind on stuff lmao and have only started making breakthroughs on it recently. i’ll try to list some stuff that has been helping

1. no more “should.” you’re not allowed to say “should” anymore. “i Should be doing my homework” when you’re doing whatever (laying in bed being sad, scrolling tumblr, whatever) is not the helpful mantra you think it is. it’s just a guilt trip. instead you have to figure out how to give REASONS why you should do it. for me, that’s framing it as beneficial to me. “it would be in your best interest to go do the work you’re behind on. you’ll feel better if you do some of it, you’ll feel less guilty, and you’ll be able to enjoy your leisure time instead of just feeling Dread.” 

2. deciding on a plan has been helpful for me. what i’m working on getting caught up on right now is patreon rewards. it got to the point -- and i’m embarrassed even saying this -- where i owed almost ONE HUNDRED doodles!! (aaagh! what the fuck!!!! isn’t that fucking awful?) that is a disgusting number! that’s so fucking scary! i felt overwhelmed when it was HALF of that and felt like i was just standing there frozen watching the number go up and up and up. what finally snapped me out of it was i sat myself down and tried to spend as much of a day working on the stuff i was behind on as i could. i found out i can get about 10 of these done, if i work all day on them and don’t fuck around too much. so, hey, actually... if i get ten done per work day, i’m caught up on all 100 of them in 10 work sessions, which is about two weeks if i give myself two days off per week. that’s... literally not so bad, right? breaking it down into “you will finish this by X if you do Y amount per day,” instead of just frantically saying “YOU’RE BEHIND! IT’S LATE! CATCH UP AS FAST AS YOU CAN GO GO GO, WORK AS MUCH AS YOU CAN UNTIL IT’S DONE” is so much less scary and feels DOABLE and makes me feel like i have things under control.

3. BUT, you don’t just have the stuff you’re behind on. you have other new stuff you have to do too. you can’t just put all that on hold while you do the stuff you’re behind on, or now you’re behind on the new stuff too! i saw someone (i can’t remember who, i’m sorry) give advice that says even tho the urge is to do stuff in the order it came to you (the older the task, the sooner you do it), actually the only way to keep your head above water in cases like this is to do the stuff you have to do TODAY first, then use EXTRA time after that stuff is done to work on the stuff you’re behind on. to put that into my example, the stuff i have to keep doing day to day is.... i have to make enough money for the month. so i spent the first two weeks of this month doing commissions faster than i normally do, and made enough money to feel Safe, so that i felt like that part was Done, and now i’m using the second two weeks to catch up on stuff. if i’d tried to put the stuff i was behind on First, i would’ve been in a way worse situation this month and i might have fucked myself over.

4. communicate about stuff you’re behind on! explain stuff to your professors! i’m so bad at this. i was bad at this in school, and until recently i wasnt as good abt it w my patrons as i wanted to be. it’s because it feels embarrassing to say “im fucking up and it’s taking me a long time to get to this, i’m sorry.” but doing that reflects better on you than radio silence, no matter how it feels. you don’t look stupid and irresponsible for being honest about being behind on stuff - you look irresponsible if you just suddenly clam up and refuse to admit that you need time and that you’re working on it. it’s better to be as open as you can, and it makes you feel less like you have to Hide, which in my case just makes me freeze up again

that’s kind of all i’ve got rn bc i’m still figuring it out myself, but this is the stuff that’s made it easier for me