#not my fault i feel things easily
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YES GIRL. THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA 👏👏👏 I was having my akutagawa moment of just wanting approval from someone who didn't give it and was being sad about it but then she was like "girl you can find better, there's lots of fish in the sea" and I'm like YES. this is the reassurance I needed. Let's be real, I can do better than this. I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. AND I CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS. So yeah. It is what it is. If someone doesn't like me back, then it's sad but so what? I like me, and I'm all that matters. So as long as I'm okay, then it's okay. 🥰❤️❤️❤️
#wish him the very best#and now its time for me to move on 🥰#LOL if people found out what this is actually about#they'd think im rlly dramatic 😂😂#not my fault i feel things easily#at least I do my best to cope with my strong emotions#I don't go around being toxic#cheers to moving on and living my life 🥰🍻#oh well#it's sad but what can I do#move on and continue living and loving my life 🥰#that's what#ramblings#thoughts#this is sounding worse than it actually is lol 😭😂😂
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I think the most crushing autism experience is friends/romantic partners eventually figuring out youre masking bcz if you keep it up long enough its also off-putting & unnatural and then insisting you act like yourself- only to realize they in fact do not like your real self and make comments about how annoying/different youre acting all of a sudden. ❤️🧎♀️
#realest shit i ever said#anyway this has hapenned so many times that im convinced only 3-4 people actually can stand me. ❤️🙏#literally makes me sooooo mad too#‘’nooo youre not being yourself with me please ill accept you no matter what’’#no actually. you do not like me sadly 🙏🙏🙏#ughhhhh#i be in situations#this isnt a jab at myself i am so cool and funny#and trust im self aware enough to know the traits people dislike about me are fr harmless but could annoy someone easily.#so its not really mine or their fault#plus literally my brain just does not work like a neurotypical person#sorry i do not feel about things the way u do
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this was going to be like a mile long essay but i just realized the most concise way to say it is that "it feels like a retcon that blitz has been so resentful and hostile towards fizz all this time since he was supposed to feel guilty" is simply not a good criticism when we have been shown, time and time again, that blitz's number one defense mechanism when he feels guilty or judged or attacked is to lash out, to deflect and ignore all his responsibility, and to shift the blame to someone else. that's like. his defining character flaw
#- and that's WHY it was such a major THING for his arc!! that he apologized to fizz and accepted responsibility for what he did!!!#like. the fact that he said; EXPLICITLY; the words 'you're right; it was all my fault; i should have done better; i am so sorry' IS#SO BIG!!!! LIKE THAT IS SUCH A HUGE THING FOR HIM!!!!!#mine#helluva boss#blitzo helluva boss#helluva boss blitzo#blitz#e: oops#analysis#also its entirely reasonable that blitz would have gone spiraling down the thought process that maybe fizz always hated him if he could#blame him so easily when fizz was probably the one blitz was MOST counting on to hear him out#and the fact that fizz went on and got SUPER famous and successful after he was no longer performing with blitz - who i'm SURE had#only been given more and more shit for not being as good as fizz as they got older (by his dad and by himself) - he probably assumed fizz#blamed him for that too - holding fizz back with his own poor performance#which is why his insults towards fizz had always been 'overrated sellout' and insisting he slept his way to the top with ozzie.#he'd tear down fizz's quality as a performer because BLITZ feels insecure about his OWN quality as a performer#these tags have gotten so fucking long but that's the gist of the essay i was gonna write about this fjfdjjfghf#MEDIA ANALYSIS IS MY PASSION
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“Journey to the Center of the Mind,” Moon Knight (Vol. 9/2021), #27.
Writer: Jed MacKay; Penciler and Inker: Federico Sabbatini; Colorist: Rachelle Rosenberg; Letterer: Cory Petit
#Marvel#Marvel comics#Marvel 616#Moon Knight vol. 9#Moon Knight 2021#Moon Knight comics#latest release#Moon Knight#Marc Spector#Steven Grant#Jake Lockley#Hunter’s Moon#Yehya Badr#first things first getting powers based off of nuclear material + falling into the San Andreas Fault of all places is so delightfully#silver age comic book I love it#and next…this is so wonderfully simply bittersweet#because you can feel that parallel that it could have just as easily been Marc resurrected by something even more#sinister than Khonshu and turned to villainy#but I appreciate so much Marc’s very literal reaching out to the spark of good in someone who is presented as an#archetypal comic book villain and helping him to stand up for himself#Marc wasn’t just dragging someone to justice he offered the encouragement that allowed Alton to make his own choice to do the right thing#it’s about the quintessential struggle of man versus himself and grappling with the good and bad that is within all of us#and if anyone has gone 10 rounds with himself being his own worst enemy and still chooses to claw his way to doing good it’s Marc#anyway it’s late by my biological clock so please don’t mind me waxing near-philosophical in the tags hahaah
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⋆⭒˚.⋆
#regret is a heavy and unproductive feeling but i feel so much of it now#i regret being too scared to send him pictures when he said he would def be ok w me using him as a diary#and even wanting me to share pics (and always when i managed to not be too scared he never made me feel unappriciated)#i regret being too scared to say yes when he talked abt having calls and video calls#i regret being too scared to share all of the things i wanted to share with him and ehat was wanted by him#i regret being too scared to easily and quickly actually listen to him when he said it's more than ok for me to send him lots of messages#and to ramble about things too him. i regret that i kept being too and too scared to do it even if i desperately wanted to#i regret that i took so long to try to face my fears and want to actually do and say and talk abt all of those things#i regret taking too long so bad... i just had never ever felt actually wanted and that my rambley words and my existence mattered to him#that was so so so new and odd for me that it took me so long to ease into#i regret being too scared to do all of it.... i regret it so much#im painfully aware of reality trust me.. and i know it will always be a 'what if'#but i regret that i was too cowardly to just be brave enough to try and tell him directly what i was thinking for 10 months#what i wanted to say was that if he just said the word i'd be all his and that i'd immediately look for any job#and use that paycheck to get a passport and a plane ticket and figure it all out with him#none of this is his fault. like trust me i understand that relationships and feelings and people and everything is complicated#and i actually know that he cares abt me... it what hurts sm ...#but i dont know what would have happened but i regret being too scared to even say it and see. bc i meant it. i really meant it :(((#but.... i know i cant live in this regret forever and that i have to learn how to accept it but#nothing has ever hurt or stung or been regretted this much for me like...#i feel like i fucked up the realest and truest connection and chance at love i've ever had and maybe ever will have? i dunno ... T-T#i regret being too scared to spam his blogs the way i wanted to and too scared to reply to him and interact with him#my fear is so stupid and god i regret letting it control me sm
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last post for the night i swear
the real tragic part about the whole science fair incident is that perpetual motion is impossible to achieve
ford’s machine would have never worked, regardless of whether or not stan had interacted with it
(warning i accidentally wrote an approximately 30-tag dive into ford’s character in the tags don’t click see more if you don’t want to read that)
anyway!! good night everyone ❤️🩹
#it’s also tragic because ford didn’t know#the impossibility of perpetual motion was discovered far before that point and yet he didn’t know#i mean. ‘he’s actually just so arrogant that he thought he could break the laws of physics’ doesn’t make any sense#his reaction to the situation really didn’t match that interpretation as far as i can tell#i don’t think it’s just a ‘oh no! my dream school (that i was essentially shoved into pursuing)!’ type deal#here’s what i’m thinking:#fact one- stan and ford were seemingly already drifting apart by this point in time. this is important to note#fact two- it’s really emphasized to him that he’s smart. that’s all they say about him really- that’s he’s a genius#fact three- filbrick does not even care enough about stanford to say his name. he calls ford his ‘ticket out of this dump’#these last two points were likely heavily emphasized to him throughout his childhood#filbrick found out ford was smart and thought stan wasn’t. so ford became his plan to make money#ford is heavily bullied for his weirdness. his hands and his interests. being smart could ‘make up’ for this in his mind#he wants to leave. he outright states this- he doesn’t feel like he belongs and he wants to go somewhere he does (his own bermuda triangle)#so what essentially happened- i believe- is that ford internalized all these things#that his weirdness is bad and that he makes up for it by being smart and that he’s meant to make his family money-#-and that he wants out#his machine fails. this is a slap in the face to him. perpetual motion is impossible?#but why didn’t he know that? he’s supposed to be smart isn’t he? if he isn’t smart then what the hell is he?#what redeeming qualities does he have? how is he supposed to help his family now? he’s a failure isn’t he?#he spots a familiar bag. stan was here. suddenly he has an excuse- a reason to believe it wasn’t his fault#(and there’s really nothing to be at fault for but he doesn’t think that)#it’s easier to blame it on stan because of how distant they’ve grown. he can’t read stan as easily#and his reaction is suspicious- did he actually sabotage the project? is it…actually not ford’s fault at all?#they don’t speak to each other again for another decade#stan because he’s afraid of rejection#ford because he doesn’t want to face his own insecurities and emotions about everything#it’s easier to pretend that he wants to be famous and isn’t just doing it to make it his father money#and it’s easier to distract himself with things he loves than to feel all the guilt and hurt and frustration#and that. is perfect for bill to use to manipulate him#that’s my thoughts anyway. sorry for the rant was not expecting that to happen
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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it was never my life to live and he didn’t fall for the real me… he fell for an accessory and thought he could just change the label while things stayed the same
#sorry y’all I’m probably gonna be venting about this the next few weeks#still getting over the sudden ending of this SR and I’m working my way through it#wait why am I apologizing it’s my blog 😭#mine#SB chronicles#it will probably irk me for a while that he thinks I’m at fault for the way things ended when it was entirely him#and he will probably think of me as sensitive and petty and a hoe that was just after his money and he’ll be all the more bitter#towards women after this and I feel bad for whoever he picks up after me#he’s just on a cycle of rebounds…. not healthy at all#his punishment is who he is and no woman in her healed mind is going to stay with him once she realizes who he is#he will end up alone sooner or later#or keep running through women bc he eventually takes his facade off#maybe white women can handle all that emotional abuse but not me baby#I like my men respectful sweet patient and kind and good at communication#I still can’t believe I was going to date him for real and before I could get those words out#he immediately showed me why I would have regretted that decision#I somehow dodged a bullet but still experiencing pain and feeling like I was owed more good times with him#I just wanted a few more months of all the good…..#but there were a lot of things that irritated the shit out of me and I’m forgetting to remember those things#I’m romanticizing our time together#I mean it was wonderful while it was good but I hated hearing and smelling his fucking gross f*rts#that is definitely something I will never get used to tolerating from a man#or how easily distracted he was or how he didn’t like to sit inside of moments like I do#how he often gave me the illusion of choice but then we ended up doing whatever he wanted#I definitely would think ‘oh I can’t wait to never deal with _____ again’ and now I don’t have to 🤷🏾♀️#I just miss the affection attention and sex and how I felt disconnected from my sad reality when I was in his world#I just liked his world#it was rich and quiet and high quality and carefree
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#ouagh. :']#ok. i am a simple thing. i'm just a guy y'know. and i try#i try to be kinder to myself i try to be kind and change for the better!! but this is hard but i've been doing well#i'm not as anxious as i once was and this is great. but Sometimes#yeah.#i'm a simple guy with simple occasional worries yk#and one of those things happens to be maybe#not being enough or being too much at the same time y'know#and i caught myself worrying so i was like hm maybe i will look at my nice pile of reminders and nice things#and so i remembered that i love. like a Lot. and i love my friends so So much#and i do my best to express this as often as i can right! and i thought about how it might make me feel#if despite all that my love could not reach a friend when they need it most#that they might forget (it's not their fault)#but in remembering this it helped Me be like. Oh. yes i am loved. don't forget so easily#whew. this whole trusting thing is hard. but man i am sooo good at this and i'm doing great#anyways. i feel much better#and also proud of myself for genuinely being able to reassure myself. it's always felt more like#“well we've Gotta keep going” as opposed to “yeah actually. it's okay” does this make sense#it feels as if i've made n held onto something solid as opposed to waiting for something like that 2 come along#sap says#well. goodnight :]
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my anxiety is unbelievably fucking bad rn. i am so scared
#purrs#delete later#ask to tag#(putting slashes thru things so that they don’t show up in search btw)#i have no right to be scared bc im not there. but im so scared for the people of ga/za. and i am so scared that… idk. it’s completely my#fault bc i go looking for these kinds of things on purpose to hurt myself. but i doomscrolled last night about ww/3 and the possibility of#nu/clear war being fueled by is/rael’s ‘war’ on pale/stine and not only am i sick with fear about the people living directly in that region#but i am so fucking scared of the possibility of nu/clear war. or like. any war breaking out in the us. which i know is a ridiculous self#centered thought to have but my anxiety is out of fucking control rn and it has been getting worse throughout the week. i just don’t know#how to wrap my head around the violence of this week. and so few je/wish ppl i know irl are antizi/onist and ppl just expect me to be#supportive of is/rael jsut bc im je/wish and it makes me fucking FURIOUS not only because i resent these horrors being committed to innocent#people in the name of my own people but it is so extremely dangerous to conflate j/udaism with zi/onism. the consequences diasporic je/ws#are goi ng to face are of course nowhere near as central or all-consumingly violent as the people in gaz/a and i feel personally safe enough#as someone who (and i know this is kind of a terrible thing to say) passes very easily as a go/y (esp w a mask on) and has a g/oy last name#but i am so fucking terrified of the antise/mitism getting worse here and have been exposing myself to evidence of it even though it is#extremely destructive to my mental health. but also i deeply resent the rhetoric around ‘reach out to your j/ewish friends they’re suffering#rn’ because…. we are not a monolith nor are we the direct victims in this situation and it just feels so uncomfortable and centering to make#it an issue of silence etc etc when… there are innocent ppl in g/aza who are experiencing terror no human being should ever have to endure#and most of them are children and they are the people who will ‘pay’ most directly and immediately and severely for what happened a week ago#i just feel so fucking on edge from this entire situation and unable to do anything to help when the destruction is imminent and this#nightmare of a country is at the core of so much suffering in this world and it will take centuries to undo it all and in the meantime so#many innocent people are going to die and maybe the entire world will be destroyed by nu/clear war which we are basically begging for at#this point. it’s so hard to function in my personal life when i am keenly aware of what could be happening at any moment#i don’t know how to end this post. im just fucking scared and there’s nothing i can do
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girls when they just finished watching aotv
#ok this is my review#i didnt 'just finished watching' but u get it wtv#louis tomlinson#all of those voices#ok unless u wanna b spoiled u need to get off these tags rn!#i honestly thought there'd be more of the songwriting producing planning and bts footage of him working on his music#like i thought that'd be the main focus#more..... artistry and musicianship things yk? this thought made me want a behind the album doc so bad djfjf#but i do get it bc he set touring up as his ultimate goal as a solo artist. he said early on how it's his fave part in onedee#now im not saying touring ≠ artistry bc duh going on tour is fundamental for artists and for some like louis- it's what they love most#anyw thats just me. a behind the album doc could easily fix this. kinda my fault for expecting a whole different narrative hahshdj#OKAY BUT ANYWAY the first half was jam-packed with lots of feelings. heart rending gut wenching soul crushing stuff#it was so emotional i was with my sister and i didnt wanna cry beside her but i just couldnt help it 😭#him and his family talking in depth about their loss felt gutteral. strong family... about his mom and about felicite#hm yeah </3 mmkay thats a wrap we dont need me sobbing again thinking about this family#so about the touring!! we see him struggling to find his feet to perform confidently through the years#yk... last 1d performance in xfuk. jho for xfuk. ultra fest too i think? ...ccme. telehit. scala... 2 walls tour (2020) shows in spain#aotv spoilers#its actually insane how massive his insecurities became during and post 1d 😭#bro was acting small roles as a child. was 'popular' in school. lead singer in a cover band. main lead in grease & auditioned for xfactor#and post 1d??? man didnt know what to do with himself. it's sooo!!!!!!!!#it's evil actually leave that man's poor confidence alone! 😭#the doc ended beautifully :> showing scenes of his show in milan. 30k+ people. ONLY there for louis!#by this point hes built up enough confidence to perform btm live for the first time!!!!! hard song to sing and he smashed it 🥹#the title truly encapsulates everything huh. voices in his head. voices of industry ppl whispering in his ear. voices of criticism. and#voices of fans cheering and singing his songs#cathartic ending 🫶🏼 loved aotv!!! when btm played girl you Know i was gone 😭#loved that he included the fitf uk no.1 too!!! it's a pretty little bow to this wonderful gift#i would Love to add more but i reached 30 tags LMAOOO yk what maybe i'll rb this with more tags😭💀#louis u deserve the world the moon the stars entire planets and all the galaxies 🫂 mwuah
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hold on everyone shut up im getting super emotional about jonathan sims
#tma#kara stop blogging#thinking about the web. thinking about how it was his first mark#and how that mark how that unaddressed trauma so deeply affected him.#and how befitting that is for the web too- to tie someone up its strands for YEARS#thinkin about how almost every single decision that man makes is made out of fear#that motherfucker has never felt safe in his god damn life you can tell and im EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT#thinking about how so much of his fear response is CONTROL because of it. His ridiculous skepticism was him trying to control it#if he denies it if he refuses to believe in it it cant hurt him#about his paranoia and desperation for knowledge is so rooted in that fear of losing control#about his entire s4 arc and grappling with becoming inhuman. about not feeling like he has any kind of personal autonomy#and how so often thats written off as him making excuses (and dont get me wrong- he makes excuses too. im not saying he doesnt) but also-#like you look at what happened with his first leitner and its like. he couldnt move. couldnt do anything to escape#and then when the other boy got taken he couldnt do anything to save him either#of course he feels like hes never had any control#of course hes desperate for knowledge- if he had only *known* what couldve happened then he couldve prevented it.#the survivors guilt is so deeply part of his character#and thats what makes jonah targeting him so fucking insidious and scary#he took his man who is already so terrified- put him in a situation where he was so out of his depth#knowing that his fear response would be to desperately try and figure out what was happening- to keep asking questions--#pulling himself deeper into the eyes influence and easily turning it around and making it Jon's fault#as if Jon isn't trapped like everyone else- it's just his fear response is so fucking perfect for the role the eye needs him to play#and then it leads to the ultimate trauma of ripping control away from Jon and forcing him to do something so fucking horrible#something he would never in a million years CHOOSE TO DO#how he's so terrified of being made a pawn and he is. playing a game against elias where he couldn't even see the board#locking him out of his own body...forcing him to open the door. like. FUCK#I MEAN FUCK DUDE. PETER LITERALLY SAYS “HE GOT YOU” WHEN JON ASKED WHAT HIS 'PRIZE' WAS#LIKE SCRATCH THAT!!! FUCKING SCRATCH THAT!! he wasn't even a player he was a fucking PIECE in the game#GOD!!!#GOD!!!! free my boy he did nothing wrong (he did so many things wrong)
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can I rant about my body issues in the tags? thanks this is your warning
#I hate how after all these years I’m still struggling with my body#I try so hard to be positive towards me#but it never sticks when I look in the mirror#and I’m so mad that I’m disgusted with myself#because I have a curvy chubby body#I can easily find my size in stores#many can’t#so I feel guilty like why am I hating my body when I have access to stores??#but then I see myself and all I see is my stomach#my thighs#my hips my soft jaw my arms#it’s so hard to find clothes for me that flatter#my hips are too big at one shop but too small at another#I gotta get very large shirts because of my bust#I struggle to see my beauty#I try so hard#sometimes I follow my measurements and the shop is still wrong#I dunno if it’s my fault or how the shop sizes things#but I feel so terrible about myself#I hate how years of being bullied for my appearance#I still never got over it#I still hear their laughs and words#I still feel like that little 6 year old that got called ugly all through kindergarten#I still feel like that kid who rejected her femininity because of bullying#I wanna feel pretty in my own skin#but I never have#I want to so badly#angel talks 💕#body mention tw#body insecurity tw
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I had a conversation with my brother the other month, and it's making me wonder just how much we don't remember, how many bad things have we simply forgotten? he doesn't even remember that time we genuinely were scared our dad was mad enough to kill us, and we were clinging to each other in fear waiting for him to snap. it's not like we were that young either when that happened
#mine#apparently I never knew why he hated being touched until he told me in that conversation#our dad would constantly grab his arms all the time as a kid#and I either never noticed or just never remembered#if I didn't have my old diary around. even with how sparsely written it is#would I even remember how miserable and upset I was as a child?#how much I hated my family and felt hurt by them#I feel as though I'd have just forgotten it#I can only remember what I remember#but I know there's more#I can see things like vague flashes of me crying and screaming on the stairs during some argument#but what was the argument about? what did my parents say. what did I say. what did either of us do?#I don't remember. I know it happened but I don't remember any details#and that's just one example of many#and having memories so vague it makes it impossible for me to know if I was the villain here. or my parents#as much as a young child can be a villain but-#how much did I instigate or bring upon myself for acting the way I did?#I'll never remember if I was the reasonable one or if I was simply an insane child who my parents didn't know how to deal with#a lot of the 'abuse' could've just as easily been my fault for acting out and misinterpreting the situation badly#I've always had a tendency to overexaggerate and get upset over things that are entirely reasonable in retrospect#who's to say I wasn't just an awful kid who could've just behaved better to avoid any of it#I just decided the world was unfair and ended up being entitled and ungrateful. thinking I suffered when I didn't#but seeing as I'm missing huge parts of my memory. I guess I'll never know for sure
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hey. hey universe. hey fucker universe.
no one said you could bring back the Wednesday Curse, bitch. fuck off with this shit i didn't need any of this first thing today.
#the Wednesday Curse is related to a span of about... almost 10 years of every single wednesday having something major go wrong#''major'' is a strong word but it would always feel big and afterwards would be when i would notice it was wednesday#it was a lot and i got very tired of it very quickly but it eventually stopped and i stopped noticing wednesdays#because they stopped being bad every single week#i would wake up on a wednesday bracing for whatever terrible news i would learn or whatever horrible thing would happen inevitably#and i stopped having to do that#my dreams lately have been absolutely horrific and last nights/this mornings was.... worse than usual in a way i wasn't anticipating that's#made me very very worried about a dear friend i can't easily reach out to and i'm doing my best at waiting patiently for a response#but it's hard and then the tire on the car exploded *again* so we're scrambling to figure out how to fix that and we've got a plan#and at least 3 butches on the job and it's going to be okay in the end but i have extreme car anxiety and tires going out is one of the mai#triggers for that and i'm just#i'm also still dealing with the tail end (hopefully) of an upper respiratory infection which makes all the crying i keep doing difficult#because i keep needing to hack my lungs out because breathing sucks rn even though i've had all my meds for it#and i'm just... it's just... anyway#i'm having a rough morning#but i am surrounded by people who are very lovely and care a lot and are willing and able to help with whatever they can#and that's helped a lot and it's just... i know i gotta wait patiently for resolution on things and i'm gonna do my best#to calm myself down and try to be less anxious but i'm only able to do that because of the love that surrounds me and it's a lot#it's all a lot and idk man#the spectre of my dad is doing his best to ruin it but he doesn't exist here in this space it's just a bad memory and no one is at fault
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NPD BPD combo will make you feel like a starving wild circus animal every time you remember other people exist
#ok to rb#vent tw#it's like. we have a member who has NPD proper as cohost now#so our BPD and NPD symptoms have been combined into one worse thing#and it's baby's first Real Narc Crash and Ive been having RSD inflicted panic attacks every day#and I'm getting really fucking exhausted so the point where Im thinking stuff like 'I wish I could kms rn but that'd be too shitty and I#know this shit has to get better eventually because it has before so Im just#trying to relax#and in this case it's not like I have imo a compelling reason like my friends are all paying a proportionate amount of attention to me#to the energy for friends they have to give like I'm not being NEGLECTED#but I am so attention starved it's actually insane#and if it were just that itd be fine but I'm pmsing and Ive been losing sleep#from a mix of medical issues and exotraumatic nightmares#so I'm just. I'm absolutely Fucking Miserable#and its nobodies fault so instead of getting pissed off at someone Im just pissed off at everyone and no one at the same time#I just want to feel special again but its like. even if I DID feel comfortable asking for more attention#1. It wouldn't feel genuine and nothing my friends could easily do would stop it from not feeling genuine#2. I've been cluster B long enough to know that this stuff has to sort itself out naturally#asking for vallidation can be good at the right times but when I'm wanting to rely on it most thats when I need to find something else#but genuinely IDFK anymore man like I'm too tired to do shit I feel like all of my energy this month has been#STOPPING myself from doing stuff so when I try and think about what I actually Want To Do I feel so obstructed and exhausted I feel like#there's nothing fulfilling rn bc my stupid ass brain is like why find joy in anything if everyone hates you and you don't matter#(<- literally no one in my life has even implied this but. that's just how mental illness goes sometimes)#I just need to hang on until this narc crash is over and my friend groups aren't in the middle of like#2 million different things we're all struggling with stopping us from hanging out very much#I do think this happens every winter though#Ironically I love the winter weather and the rain and cold and gray (idk if I have SAD but if I do it's for the summer)#but I never enjoy the season like I want to because it's the most busy time of year so everyone is stressed out and doesn't have much time#to vibe like I want to so I end up just feeling pretty miserable until the slow time of year when people can relax more#It's usually like
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