#not suicidal

[imnotactuallyalrightthanks]

One of my favorite past times is watching things as they exist.

Not like people watching or just sitting outside doing nothing, but instead actively making a point to go outside and sit and watch as the world moves around me.

The clouds in the sky as they stretch across the horizon, slowly, etching around the globe.

People making conversation next to me, their friends and family they speak of to people I will likely never know, but I get just the slightest insight into someone else's experiences.

Hear someone laughing down at their phone, or walk past me with headphones. What are they listening to? What does it mean to them?

Watching cars pass and feeling the wind flow past me, or the light rain as it falls from the heavens and into puddles, birdsong and truck exhaust, air conditioner humming and the smell of a distant restaurant or a mom cooking dinner for her family,

All these little things,

Just as things exist, naturally, and as an outsider looking in.

Isn't it weird, understanding the implications of the fact that YOU exist? That I do? And I have the option to simply sit outside and experience the world for what it is, as does every other living thing?

Despite whatever this society puts on your shoulders, the newborn fawn that you and I seem to be in this world, stumbling around on our new legs as we navigate this strange new place and the gift of consciousness, we still get to be here, to experience the little things that are mostly overlooked, and enjoy them for what they are.

And I'm alive, and despite all the anxiety I have, the depression and health problems and esteem, I fucking survived and I get to do what and I get to enjoy the little things

And you should too. :)

[its-stayville-forever]

Do you ever just sit and ponder on how much you want to jump out of a window?

[goatsludge]

So I've realized a large part of me wanting to be alone on the holidays was feeling that mutual respect from loved ones to give me space, to feel understood and like my sense of feeling overwhelmed was validated.

Now that I've been living on my own, there isn't any of that, I don't feel anything from anyone - I've spent my birthday and presently Thanksgiving alone and I'm liable to spend Christmas alone too just because I don't have the energy to get out and socialize. It's overwhelming to be around people and overwhelming to be totally alone.

It's easy to forget how much having someone in the other room makes it all feel less like an empty pit of melodrama and self-loathing, like it means something.

But I don't have that now, and I'm very tired and I don't want to wake up, I barely even feel like feeding myself, but I have to.

[nsk96]

Personal rant

This morning the conversation came up how I’m unhappy about pharmacy school and I said “it’s too late to drop out of pharmacy school but that’s okay because I can use my pharmacist money for therapy”. And my mom was like “you don’t need therapy, all you need is god.”

I said, “I have god and I’m still going insane.” And said “I might as well keep going even if I lose my mind.”

My mom was like “well, at year one of pharmacy school I told you that you can do something else”…..so after manipulating me into going into pharmacy since 2011 back when I got to high school, you think after spending my whole time in high school (+pharmacy tech vocational program) and college working up to getting into pharmacy school, that I’ll suddenly change my mind in 2021? And she wants to say that I’m trying to blame it all on her, as if she didn’t play any part in it (after admitting not too long ago, that she chose this career path for me)

Years of blood sweat and emotional breakdowns, working towards a goal that she made me believe was the only career choice for me, that I would just suddenly change my mind? I had no other option at this point in time except to be a pharmacy tech all my life and spend my free time working a second job. Neck deep in student debt at this point, going back to college to try for a different career would have buried me. I have a bachelor’s in biology but not a useful degree for high earning unless you go to grad school.

She was like “what else did you want to do then?” I’ve told her so many times what I wanted to do. She just didn’t listen because she wanted me to do what she wanted. She didn’t listen then so I don’t know why she thinks she’ll listen now.

Sure she’ll let me talk, but then say I’m wrong and say that she knows better, but also admitted today that she knows nothing about how college works. I told her that I didn’t deserve to pass my classes in undergrad because of grade curves and homework/attendance grades literally saving me in some classes.

And she was like “you haven’t been telling me anything, all you told me is that you passed these classes.” 💀 I always told her every excruciating detail from the exams I failed, classes I had to retake, lecturers I didn’t understand, classes I was about to fail and literally told her back then whenever a homework grade or grade curve saved my overall grade. I even told her how I had difficulty focusing on studying, difficulty getting assignments done, having to pull all nighters three days straight (never went to bed), the emotional breakdowns I’ve had because the goal she had me working towards seemed so far away when ever I came close to failing a class. I told her all of this back then and continue communicating these things to her about my current experience in pharmacy school.

It’s clear that all she hears is “I passed” and everything else just goes out the window. Then she’s surprised when I talk about wanting to drop out or how my mental health has deteriorated so much because of this program and everything around me.

All she sees is that I’m getting through it but refuses to see the damage. Of course, because she doesn’t have to live through it. Doesn’t matter how much I talk about it, but yet she has the audacity to say I don’t communicate.

She has a problem when I walk away from our current conversations about these things. I only walk away now because I realize that talking no longer works.

I’m 27 now and it took the hell of pharmacy school (or at least this specific pharmacy school) for me to break free of her conditioning. Or at least some of it. I still can’t be myself around her and can’t be open about the things I know because she’s so willfully ignorant.

My mom is so bad at listening that I bet if I was to take my own life tomorrow (which I don’t want to) she would be surprised and be one of those people to say they never saw it coming and then advocate for mental health…despite the fact that I’ve been telling her for the past two years, that I wanted to see a therapist and her convincing me that I didn’t need to or that I shouldn’t see one until I get a pharmacist job. But alas, her sense of time is really bad and she’ll think it was only a few months ago. I’ve been bringing this up to her since the beginning of P2 year.

[mytearsrricochet]

fave lyrics today?

“I think about jumping off of very tall somethings”

[garfieldisntacat]

Shifting is all cute and shit now until we get stories ab people offing themselves to go to another dimension

[butterflygrl62]

Does anyone else feel like it would be nice to just not wake up one day? I'm not suicidal, or particularly depressed. I like my life and job, I just don't feel like it matters if I'm here or not.

[autumnhasanxiety]

I'm not suicidal, but I'm super tired of existing. ya know?

[angelbvn]

i’m trying so hard to not just *poof*

[xautoradiographx]

You know sometimes the self care type of crowd gets on my nerves. I got these people in my life and sometimes I go to talk to them and they come at me with shit like "aww you need to take a break and care for yourself more"

And I know they mean well, but they could tell me to get fucked and it would feel about as good. Idk just being in debt you had to take up to finish studying, behind on bills while you haven't had a vacation in a few years (and last one I did was just sitting in alone and playing video games for the better part of the week), it all just piles up and just being reminded how much you need rest fuels despair.

Crap, I would rather people could be angry together with me. I don't see how they can help and telling myself to stfu ironically does just build up irritation and corrodes relationships.

I like to tell myself, I can't afford to sit in despair. My leftie friends, I hate all that hustle shit as much as the next guy, but let's admit it, we are in this situatuon where we do need money to live, I hate starving, I hate being unable to afford therapy, fuck me if I will ever go again to public psychiatrists to get misdiagnozed, get humiliated and prescribed poison. I need to work and I would like to feel like I am getting something done in this hellhole. I dont dream of labor and blablabla yeah but first I want to feel that I am capable and I am valuable somehow. When life is shit I don't want dreams. I want to know there's a way out and that there's something I can do.

[peirwin]

Me the last three months

[silencedescends]

i am absolutely going to be dead by the time I'm 30

[iamjaynaemarie]

When I say I’m going on a hunger strike, no one cares. When I say I’m going to kill myself, no one cares when other people say they’re going to do it they get showered with attention and love and told not to do it.

I finally realized today that no one cares what happens to me. I am obviously worthless because no one believes I’m going to die or they just don’t care if I do.

I decided to leave this earth on my own accord. However, I will leave when my work is done. When I am gone, perhaps someone will be happy with my death because they weren’t too crazy about my life. I’m doing them a favor. But I’m also doing myself a favor. Why should I stay in a place? I am unloved and unwanted? I have given it a lot of thought, so this is not something I am doing on the spur of the moment. 

It’s easy to fake happiness. I’ve been doing it for years.  I actually convinced myself that people cared about me. I made it this far pretending I was loved. Now that I know I’m not, I want to finish my work before I leave and then I will go where I will forget this life. True, the pain is unbearable, but my work is more important to me than anything in this world, and it needs to be completed. It is my life. And it will be the only thing that will continue living long after I’m gone. 

Maybe I’ll come back as somebody that people want to be around, care about, and love.  There is solace in realizing that you are truly alone in this world. You find peace with the death of expectation. You are truly free to be who you are when you know that you can be who you are and love who you are without having anyone tell you that you are worthless.  You would think that would be enough to live, but then loneliness sits in on occasion, and you have to realize that you do need to be loved by someone other than God and yourself.

Waiting for that to happen is like waiting for death itself, and it hastens the desire to leave the bounds of earthly existence. But no one should ever leave until their work is done. I am not a quitter. I would like to leave on a high note with my affairs in order. And then I shall be no more.*

*Do not try this at home. I am genuinely unloved. My family has told me and my friends as much. That was almost aborted and now believe I should have been. I was abandoned by my birth mother after my birth, and my adopted family after the death of my father. I am a truly an unwanted, unloved person. But those who think they are not loved truly are. You should stay here and make a difference in the lives of others. You should call 988.

[grayellis]

i’m happy to be here but a lot of the time I wish i wasnt

[hewhobullshits]

i cant take it anymore

[mix3d-emotion]

shooting myself in the head would be better then this pain I'm in