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theartofbeinganeldar · 5 years

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The Art of Being an Eldar: Legolas x Reader Chapter 3

Summary: You, a fantasy-loving LARPing human from Earth, got dropped into Middle-Earth with no recollection of the place except for bits and pieces. Lord Fabulous Elvenking has given you three days to find the portal from which you came, with the aide of his son Legolas, who you've taken to calling "Blue-Eyes." If you don't find the portal, you're to be taken back to the palace for a swift execution...

Chapter No.: Chapter 2

Key:

[Y/N]=Your Name [F/N]= Friend's Name [B/N]= Bro's Name [S/N]= Sis's Name [M/N]= Mom's Name [e/c]= eye color [h/c]= hair color [s/c]= skin color

Notes: I actually researched the languages using a website called elfdict,but I don’t know if the orcish is correct...

Warnings: Fluff, angst, graphic depictions of gore and violence (Cuz of orc battles y'know?), more angst, slow burn, some light depression in the first few chapters, some amnesia about Middle-Earth because the Valar say you're not supposed to have foresight, hard-core language, feels, lots and lots of feels, mentions of NSFW content, maybe some eventual NSFW content, LGTBQ+ characters, Thranduil being a jackass at first because he's fabulous, Legolas being a hot edgy prince that nobody can handle, Kili being an innocent bean, Hobbits being smol innocent beans, except for Bilbo 'cause he's been through some tough shit, Bard being dad of the year, Thorin being one dumbass boi, awesome dragons, awesome Nazgul, awesome scenery, awesome stuff in general, Elrond isn't listened to by anybody, confused Aragorn is confused, Denethor's a bitch as always, brace yourself for creepy as fuck Cream of Wormtongue Grima Wormtongue, Boromir lives, Gandalf. (yes these are all legit warnings don't judge me.)

Pairings/Ships: Legolas x Reader, Legolas x you, Aragorn x Arwen, Faramir x Eowyn, Thranduil x Elvenqueen, Galadriel x Celery Celeborn, Boromir x OC, Thorin x OC, Fili x OC, etc. general LoTR standard shippings plus some of my own cuz I can't stand my boys being lonely

Word Count: I try to keep my chapters short, under 2000 words.

Rating: Teen (14+) for now

Starting at dawn every day, you, Legolas, and the troop of Elves searched repeatedly for the portal. You threw yourself off of the tree countless times. You laid in the spot for hours. At one point, the Elves had even used some kind of sheet made of leaves and their supernatural strength to fling you up like a trampoline to see if the portal was aboveground.

Nothing happened.

As the days wore on, you grew more and more bitter. Every move felt exhausting, and like there was no use: you couldn't get back to your family.

You couldn't live here. There seemed to be no point of your existence anymore.

Somewhere around sunset of the second day, Blue-Eyes noticed your sudden lack of enthusiasm. "May I ask what troubles you?"

You scoffed. "Why do you care? I'll be dead in about forty-eight hours anyway. What I feel doesn't matter."

"I beg to differ," Legolas took a seat beside you; you scooted a couple of inches away. "You are in our world now, so you will go to our gods for judgement when you die."

You frowned. You'd always been kinda an atheist. "The Valar?"

Legolas nodded. "Yes. The Valar. Your feelings before death will determine whether or not you'll be given a good place among them."

You rolled your eyes. "You're kidding, right? They'll judge me for being pissed off and upset 'cause I can't get back to my own world to see my family, then killed just for breathing on Lord Fabulous's precious trees? They can go fuck themselves."

His face was priceless. If you hadn't been so pissed, you might've laughed. "...Lord... Fabulous? And, while I have my doubts about your recent hand gesturing, I do know that what you just said is most likely vulgar. Have respect for the Valar."

You snorted. "First of all, fabulous means somebody who loves dressing in the best and most well-liked outfits of the time, while also being very uppity and acting like they're God's gift to humanity. Second of all, yeah, that is vulgar, and no I will not take it back. Third, how fucking dare you, sir, to tell me to respect some candy-ass bitches up in the sky who'll judge me for having feelings."

Legolas shook his head. "Alright, ass is a word we do have here, as is candy. I can get the gist of that meaning. I cannot force you to have respect for them, especially when they brought you here."

You glared at him. "Yeah, whatever. Just leave me alone."

Blue-Eyes sighed. "As you wish."

You turned away, scrunching up into yourself against the night chill.

On the edge of night...

All shall fade...

With a huff, you curled up where you were and tried to fall asleep.

A beautiful copper dragon sat before you on a mound of gold. "Do you think flattery will keep you alive?"

"N-no..." Said the silhouette of a very small person.

"No indeed," Confirmed the dragon. He began to prowl around. "You seem familiar with my name, but I don't remember smelling your kind before. Who are you, and where do you come from, if I may ask?"

The dream flipped.

You stood between two Elves in silver robes, one of which was Blue-Eyes, looking sullen. "Tell me," Said the other Elf, "Where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him."

Legolas's crystal blue eyes glistened with tears, but he held them back. He'd never seemed like one to cry. "He was taken by both shadow and flame. A balrog of Morgoth."

The dream--no, vision-- changed again.

Before you was an old man in blue-gray robes with a long gray beard and pointed hat, smiling kindly up at what looked like a child. You couldn't turn your head to see. "A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he ever early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

The visions flashed in your mind quickly now, too fast for you to discern much from them.

"Sauron's forces are massing in the east."

"This is no mere ranger! He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to the throne of Gondor. You owe him your allegiance."

"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king."

"I ain't droppin' no eaves, Mister Frodo!"

"I choose a mortal life."

"The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!"

"He is Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, the true King under the Mountain."

"You have the gift of foresight. What did you see?"

"Arwen..."

"What did you see?"

"I saw death. Your death."

"But there is also life. You saw my son."

"You have my sword."

"And my bow."

"And my axe!"

"If this is what the council decides, then Gondor will see it is done."

"Things that were... Things that are... And things that have not yet come to pass."

"Did he offer you a bargain?"

"Yes. I refused."

"A bargain was our only hope..."

"Have you forgotten what happened to Dale?"

"I am fire... I am...Death."

~ominous as fuck time skip~

You woke with a start, the dragon's words still echoing in your head. You knew over half of those names, deep in your mind... Sauron, Morgoth, balrog, Thorin, Frodo, Aragorn, Gandalf... You knew the voices, too. But you couldn't place any of them.

The Elves were already awake (With the sun as usual.), readying their breakfast of weeds.

You frowned. Why should you be concerned with why this place sounds familiar if you weren't going to be here much longer? You got up, and prepared to search for the portal-- you didn't want any breakfast, especially when it was nothing but dandelion fluff and sparkles.

"You are not breaking your fast?" Blue-Eyes asked you, and at first you thought he was using Elvish slang.

"You mean I'm not eating breakfast?"

"If that is how you say it in your world, yes."

You shrugged. "I'll be dead later anyway. What's the point?"

Legolas sighed. "To keep up your strength to find your way back. What if you arrive back on your world in the middle of the wilderness, like you did here? You will have no supplies, and I doubt you know much about foraging."

You huffed. "You know what? Screw off. I don't want anything to eat, and you can fucking deal with that."

He looked up in exasperation, probably praying to his Valar for you to stop being such a nuisance. "You use that word an awful lot."

"What word?"

"Fuck."

Then you almost busted out laughing, because a fancy pretty sparkly Elf, even if he was deadly, saying a modern cuss word was too funny.

He blinked. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

You snorted, crossing your arms. "Do you even know what the definition of that word is?"

"No." You gestured for him to come closer, then whispered the meaning into his ear. He sprang back wildly with wide eyes and a profoundly disgusted expression. "Dear Valar, I will never repeat a word you say again unless I am sure of what it means!" His eyes widened even further. "Wait... You just told the gods to perform impossible sexual acts on themselves! And the day before you told me to..." He stopped short, appalled.

"Yuh-huh. Just now gettin' that, goldie? For shame upon me." A thought struck you. "Wait, do Elves even have sex like humans? Do you even know what I'm talking about?"

He blushed a little. "Find the portal. Quickly." He awkwardly left, sparing you a quick glance like "wtf."

You grinned maliciously, then went back to your search.

By sundown, nothing was found. You stared down at the patch where you'd originally landed, wishing for all the world that you'd been born normal, with maybe a slight love for fantasy. Why? Why had you wished, for all of your life, that you'd been transported elsewhere? Now you were, but... You didn't have your family. Without them, you couldn't function right. You just couldn't imagine never seeing them again.

The Elves were already leaving, except for Blue-Eyes. He stood by your side for a minute, as if you were both staring at a grave. You might as well have been. "Bury me here, will you? Maybe my family will find my body. And kill me as non-messily as possible, please? Like, an arrow to the heart'll do."

Blue-Eyes stiffly patted your back. You went ramrod straight-- you'd always hated touch contact. "I will pray for you." He followed his comrades, who were already a good ways back to the river, spread out through the forest. You half considered running in the opposite direction, but you'd be dead before you even so much as got to the ridge where the first of the big dogs had attacked you.

You sighed, and forced yourself to move forward; you gasped as your ankle slipped into a rut, and you yanked it out, arms spread wide for balance. You gave the ground the dirtiest look you could muster, which quickly faded to stunned silence. You leaned down, and scraped more of the dried leaves away...

Your breath caught in your throat. "Blue-Eyes!"

Legolas was at your side in a moment. "Did you find it?"

"I don't know!" You stood and gestured to what you'd found. An inscription, in a language you couldn't read. "It was buried under the leaves."

"Can you read it?"

"Obviously not, dumbass. Is it Elvish?"

Blue-Eyes knelt, tilting his head slightly to read it. His hand grazed the writing. "It is a form of old Elvish, used in the time of Gondolin. This has been here for a very, very long time." He gave you a look. "Forgive me, I'd thought you'd written it at first." You thought about smacking him upside the head, but with everybody suddenly around you again and ready to attack, you thought better of it. Legolas turned back to the writing.

After an almost unspeakably long amount of time, you got impatient. "What's it say, dammit?!"

Legolas shook his head slowly. "I am sorry. Truly, I am. If we had seen this earlier..."

"What does it say, Legolas?!"

He stood, and looked you in the eyes, sympathetic. "'The way is shut. There is no going back. The way is shut, until next fiery moonlight.'"

Your face lit up. "R-really?! Then that means all we have to do is wait for a full moon, right?! That's usually what it is! Full moon at midnight for stuff like this, in all the books! Do you think Lord Fabulous could extend my sentence--"

"[Y/N]," It was the first time he'd used your name, and it made you freeze. "The night you arrived, the moon was full. But it was also a Firemoon. It means you cannot return to your world until the next Firemoon."

Your hopes slowly fell, but you were determined not to succumb to the panic that was quickly rising. "H-how much longer till the next one?"

Legolas put a hand on your shoulder, trying to get you to understand.

"Firemoons only happen once every thousand years, [Y/N]." The words were like being hit by a semi going full speed on the highway-- sudden, fatal, and unbelievable. "You cannot go home."

Everything suddenly seemed far away, like you were seeing this from someone else's perspective. Everything went quiet, at least to you. The world seemed to spin. You dropped to your knees, and you were vaguely aware of Blue-Eyes saying, "I am sorry..."

You didn't know what to do. I can't go home... I can't go home...

I can't go home.

Your breaths came in panicked, short bursts. Even if it killed you, you took off running. Maybe if you ran for long enough, you'd wake up from this nightmare. Then you could pretend you were in some fantasy world with your family this time. You expected to be shot in the back, but you heard Blue-Eyes shout an order in Elvish, and instead, about three or four individual Elves followed you. You don't know how long you ran; tears streamed from your cheeks. Your lungs burned. Your legs felt like Jello. You collapsed at one point, and screamed, though you couldn't hear it. You screamed until your throat was raw. You were vaguely aware of a few Elves nearby, but you ignored them.

All shall...

In all the chaos, it wasn't long before you blacked out.

...Fade...

~emo time skip~

When you woke up, it was midmorning. Birds chirped endlessly on, the happiest goddamned creatures in the world. A couple of Elves talked quietly amongst themselves in hushed voices and in Elvish. You were laying on your back, and somebody had covered you up in a blanket. The smell of something good-- not that anything was, at this point--filled the air. It smelled like cinnamon and walnuts, like Christmas.

With a sigh, you cracked your swollen eyes open. Legolas sat cross-legged beside you, checking his bowstring and polishing the wood. He smiled half-heartedly at you. "You are awake."

Obviously. You didn't say anything. You didn't want to talk. Or think. Legolas sighed, placing his bow across his lap. "We must head for the palace. My father will wonder what is keeping us."

Yeah, gotta kill me as quick as possible... Death is better than this, anyway.

Legolas gave the order, and the Elves started to pack up. You laid monotone and still for the length of it, until Blue-Eyes gave you the signal to get up. Then you walked slowly behind them, every step a chore. You'd barely reached the river, and you were exhausted. And still, that damned song was going through your head...

Home is behind...

The world ahead...

All shall fade...

You knew that your dream last night had been connected to this place, whatever it was. Did that mean this song was, too? You were half tempted to ask Blue-Eyes, but you decided you weren't worthy of talking to any of these fantastical fantasy beings, even if they were going to kill you in t-minus some hours.

The company suddenly halted. Blue-Eyes had a hand raised, and all the Elves's weapons had materialized in their hands. Blue-Eyes was quiet, listening...

An eerie howl cut through the trees, chilling you to your bones. Was that one of those big dogs that carried orcs? A horn followed the howl, and all the Elves strung their bows and readied their weapons. "Gundabad yrch!" Legolas proclaimed-- you were going to assume that yrch meant orcs. He went on to give a bunch of other orders, and the Elves took off running; if it were up to you, you'd've stopped running and let the dogs have you for dinner.

But apparently Legolas seen that, and grabbed your upper arm to drag you along beside him. Damn him... The rest of the Elves were suddenly ignoring Blue-Eyes's orders. Half of them went off into the trees in the direction of the horn and howl, and the other half formed a protective circle around him-- and you, coincidentally.

Blue-Eyes barked an order at them which they ignored, but all of you stopped short when you seen what awaited you on the far bank; the way back to the palace.

Six massive wargs, more wolflike than the ones from before, with orcs a hell of a lot uglier than the ones from before sitting atop their backs, with black bows and jagged, haphazard swords. In the direction the other Elves had gone, there was more howling. Shit. If you cared about your survival right now, you'd've been terrified. But you almost enjoyed the thought of death, if it hadn't been so gruesome.

Blue-Eyes scanned the bank. There were more orcs nearby, on foot, and several more wargs. One of the Elves moved faster than you could see, snatching a sleek gold horn on his hip and blowing hard before Legolas could stop him.

The Elf-- it was the one that'd found your hair dye repulsive the other day-- hardly got a note out before an arrow lodged itself in his throat. The note trailed off into a gurgle as blood sprayed from the wound. Droplets splattered onto you, and you recoiled; you'd never seen death. You'd been to a funeral once or twice, but never this. He fell backward, and the river swiftly carried his body away.

Legolas shouted an order, and the Elves readied themselves for battle. But there wouldn't be one just yet, despite the death of that Elf. The lead orc-- a nasty, pale gray orc with swollen eyes and a protruding mouth, tall and thick, his forehead covered in scars-- stepped off of his warg, which was bigger than the rest.

He came about halfway before stopping. "A truce?" One of the Elves asked-- Common was probably hard to speak for orcs, so they resorted to it to keep from being understood. It made sense.

Legolas didn't take his eyes off of the orc, but shook his head. "That is Bolg, spawn of Azog the Defiler. He would not make any truce with us, nor would any other orc. They are beyond reason, and think only of blood and death." Bolg... Azog... Now you really knew these names... But why?

"Albai," The orc snarled; his voice was deep. "Dorzog ajog lum trov!"

"Emme uva!" Legolas cried. "Sin nor yara ana Aran Thranduil!"

Thranduil... You knew that name. But the fact that they were conversing in orcish and Elvish was astounding. One must've came from the other, and you were just going to assume that it was the orcish that came from Elvish.

Bolg's already disgusting face scrunched up into a frown. "Vol lat diig!" The orc raised an arm; you recognized the movement as a signal to fire. The Elves scrambled around wildly yet gracefully to avoid the arrows, but you barely moved; an arrow got you right in the bare part of your upper arm, and another grazed your ear. Still, you didn't move, praying for one to hit you in the head or heart or something. You hardly felt the pain.

As the battle took place around you, you zoned out. You caught glimpses of a bloodied Elven corpse, or a dismembered orc, and of course, blood was everywhere. The river ran red. You just wished it would end...

A grunt nearby brought you out of your trance.

It was Blue-Eyes, being pinned down by a warg's paw on his chest, another on his left arm. He flipped the dagger in his good hand and stabbed it violently into the warg's shoulder. The beast howled in agony, but only pushed down harder; Legolas's eyes widened as he realized the knife was stuck. The warg snarled, and opened its jaws, savoring the taste of fear before it would bite down...

None of this is his fault. He shouldn't have to die.

The warg had dismissed you as unthreatening. One of the Elves lay dead on the rocks nearby, a longblade in her hand as she stared with unseeing eyes to the sky, mouth agape. You snatched the weapon from her already-stiffening grasp. It was heavy. But it was sharp as hell.

In two leaps, you'd reached the warg, which looked to you in confusion, then recognition, with a growl. You brought the sword down, slicing deep into the creature's face. It wailed in an echo of a voice, and released Legolas, pawing at the wound; Legolas whipped his bow out like an OP follower and shot that dog point blank.

You let go of the hilt, stunned. Blue-Eyes inclined his head. "You have my deepest thanks, [Y/N.]. You saved my life."

You just nodded in shock.

Legolas raced back into the battle, leaving you to your own. Another horn blew, this one like the one the Elf that'd been shot first had blown. A barrage of arrows flew from the trees, felling every orc and warg in seconds. Some grazed you, but none touched any of the surviving Elves.

A she-Elf in a dark green tunic, carrying a longbow, loped out of the woods with her comrades. She was beautiful, with red hair so long it went past her waist. "Legolas!" She cried, and he responded in Elvish; again, you couldn't understand what they were saying, and it was really starting to piss you off.

"[Y/N]," Blue-Eyes called to you, and you belatedly looked up. He and the ginger were approaching you sollemnly. "This is Tauriel, Captain of the Guard. She will take you back to the palace and explain what happened here." Ah... Death at last.

"Tauriel," Legolas turned to her; something shone in his eyes. You recognized his spark, but not hers, but the thought quickly left your head when you registered what he was saying. "Tell my father that they saved my life."

"What?" Tauriel looked impressed, and bowed her head to you. "You have my thanks, mellon."

"Perhaps he will spare them from execution in repayment," Legolas pointed out, and Tauriel made an 'o' face.

She bowed respectfully. "I will make sure of it, my prince."

Wut.

Oh, right. Blue-Eye's dad was Lord Fabulous, king of these Elves. Of course that'd make him a prince. Prince Legolas Gr... Of the Wood... Rea... The thought was like an echo. You couldn't catch it.

Legolas nodded to you, and Tauriel lead you away from the carnage of the river battlefield.

~time skip~

"Saving my son does not grant you my utmost favor," Lord Fabulous glared down at you like you were a nasty piece of gum he'd stepped on in flip-flops. "But it does warrant some form of reward. I am sure you wish for your execution to be cancelled?"

On autopilot, you nodded. You didn't want to die, but you didn't want to live. You just wished you'd never have existed in the first place, that way none of this would've happened.

Lord Fabulous Elvenking snorted, like he was hoping you'd just ask for cake before you were beheaded. "Of course. Take them to their cell."

Tauriel wasn't as rough as Legolas, or even any of the guards had been, but she still held you firmly. "Would you like a change of clothes? I could also arrange for a washbasin to be brought to you."

You just nodded. Couldn't you just dissipate? But, if it'd taken nineteen years for this wish to come true, then it'd take another nineteen years for you to disappear. You were an Elf now, so that should pass in one painful blink of an eye...

"I am sorry that you could not find the portal," Tauriel told you as she locked the door to your cell. "I will have the guards bring you something to eat at once."

You laid down on your cot, curled up, and closed your eyes. You heard the guard come and deliver the food, then leave quietly, but you still didn't move. You didn't move when Tauriel brought you clothes and a bucket of water and rags, you didn't move when Blue-Eyes came to thank you again, you didn't move when a rat came and took your cheese. You just laid there, staring and feeling dead on the inside.

You refused to eat or drink for the next few days. You slept, mostly. When you were awake, you were crying silently. You dreamed of your family. You grieved. Your muscles cramped from sleeping in one position for days. Your stomach felt like it was going to eat you alive. Your mouth was as dry as sandpaper. A hollow ache had settled in the core of your torso, between your heart and lungs; a pulsing orb of sadness, regret, and the wish to disappear. A couple of times, you passed out from hunger while laying down. But you were an Elf, so it'd be hard for you to starve.

You kept count of the days by the cycle of guards exchanging meals. Every tray held different things for different mealtimes: fruits and bread for breakfast, cheese and bread for lunch, and a thick vegetable soup for dinner. About nine days went by before anyone came to check on you, and by that point, you were hysterical on the inside. On the outside, you were catatonic.

And you reeked, because you hadn't had a shower in like, awhile.

After two battles.

So you weren't at your best.

"My guards tell me you refuse to sustain yourself." It was Blue-Eyes. "Do you realize how much of an offense that is to his majesty? He allows you to live, and yet you seek death out deliberately."

You said nothing. Hell, your eyes didn't even move. With a sigh, Blue-Eyes moved to your bedside. "Ah, I see you have also refused to bathe..." You didn't crack a smile. Even on the inside, you hardly felt a twinge of amusement. You felt... Empty.

Legolas surprised you by placing a hand on your cheek. "You miss them, don't you?"

Tears welled in your eyes. Dammit stop making me have feels. Ah, but feels you had, my friend, and you started bawling into your pillow. Legolas shushed you, and petted your head and told you it would be alright. You don't know how long you cried, but at one point, Legolas and Tauriel switched places, even though she clearly didn't want to and sucked at emotional talking.

When it was Legolas's turn again, you'd finally gotten to the nearly-finished state of hyperactive wheezing. "How long were you holding that in, I wonder?" You still didn't answer. He gave you a sympathetic smile. "You saved my life. Let me help you save yours. Get up. You will eat, even if I must force it down your throat, and once you're full, you'll bathe. After, I will take you for a tour of Mirkwood. You'll be living here, now... I suppose it's only right you learn how to navigate your homeland."

Finally, it clicked.

"Wh...What did you say...?" Your voice was hoarse from underuse and crying, but it still worked.

Legolas gave you a concerned look, like that much crying might've damaged your hearing. "I said I will take you for a tour of Mirkwood--"

You sat up; too fast, but you sat up. Your sugar dropped. But you had to know. "Mirkwood... Where is that?"

Legolas frowned. "East of the Misty Mountains, west of Erebor, home to the dwarves and the King Under the Mountain. North of Ithilien, Gondor, and northeast to Lothlorien, Ithilien, and Rohan."

Oh fuck.

"Wh-what is this place called? In general? Collectively? Like, the whole continent?"

Legolas seemed to finally realize that you were crazy. "Middle-Earth."

Oh hell.

"Holy shit..."

"What is it?"

You couldn't remember it clearly. Hell, you could hardly remember it at all. But what you did remember finally made sense. Tolkien's fantasy masterpiece that no one can surpass... The Hobbit... Lord of The Rings... The Fellowship... Smaug, Thorin, Bilbo... Aragorn, Arwen... Thranduil, Legolas, Tauriel... Oh gods, Legolas! "I-I... The books... Oh, gods..."

"Mellon...?"

You promptly fell face-first off the bed before any half-assed explanation could be given to poor Golden Boy.

"[Y/N]?!"

...

Home is behind...

The world ahead...

And there are many paths to tread...

Through shadow, to the edge of night...

Until the stars are all alight...

Mist and shadow...

Cloud and shade...

All shall fade...

All shall...

...Fade...

Tag List: @tesserphantom @thedragonghostofmordor

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Spontaneous Combustion

Hella business Got hella bitches Poppin double bottles With a couple of mistresses Stellar mistreatment Here's the key Lock em in the cellar Forever their memory lies But a troubling mystery Hysteria erupting Like waves gushing From the tip of my penis My genius is better I'm the King here's my scepter Now watch the teeth You worthless Queen Or I'll stifle them screams I fuck bitches on trampolines Motion sickness? Overdose on Dramamine Slave to the magnitude Of my impressive muff munching Exploring deplorable nether-regions galore; Can't touch me you got nothing Broke motherfucker Grind your brain like morning coffee beans Shame is a word just outside the boundaries of my fabulous vocabulary Oh, am I contrite? How trifling Check my charm I'm enlightening Enigmatic and igniting sporadically like lightning Magically radical voyaging down down down the rabbit's hole Inciting excited riots to light fires spark fuses and chew on live wires You do not frighten me. Delivering excruciating asphyxiation to every pwn'd n00b Is my modus operandi And this is my magnum opus I have Tourette's Conceive these merriments of abhorrent mental abortions Precisely concise and incisive concocting incoherent comatose monstrosities to flatten your lifelines

Conduct these ensembles of debauchery and narcotics - I'm fascinating; Crippling your mind like a lobotomy and tripping the light fantastic through bombarding planes of consciousness I'm on acid thraxXx'd the fuck OUT and faded Levitating fading and oscillating in time while inflating my ego But lets be realistic the caliber of my linguistics is intrinsically aesthetic but none too altruistic Untrue! Be reasonable lest I demand be-headings on grounds of treason Its not hard for me - It's profound, the sound of suffering; I'll swallow your soul 'Tis the season! Inference for instance - Pimp-hand upturned to oceans of incessant peasants Pestering to molest and fluster your festering butt-hole Exact my revenge; begin phase mayhem *initiating total brain annihilation* interring bodies posthaste with skilled persistence And sporting in poor taste RESISTANCE IS FUTILE You who peers through eye of the pyramid- Would you be so kind as to interpret my footprint at face-value? Do you take me for a fool yet seek prophets reaping profits? Listen to them sleep, baaah-ing away like flocks of little sheep My hearts not on my sleeve but I have a trick or two up there; Now bow before my marvelous flow As I behold my throne whilst throwing bows and exposing hoes.

(November 2013)

My most popular poem on hellopoetry.com/duderocketship/ with 31.5k views as of this posting

#poetry #rap #poets on tumblr #obscene #vulgar #duderocketship #reidums

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obscurelysevere · 8 years

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Taco bout it

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. I have two. The first one (Jurassic World) was a kind-of-date with a guy that I went to high school with that I saw again at the gun shop. The second one (Deadpool) was delayed because my sister and I were rescuing a coyote that got hit by a car and was just lying in the middle of the road. We ended up having to see Star Wars because DP was all sold out. So it wasn’t a loss, we just had to watch DP at a later date. 2:Talk about your first kiss. It was middle school. He tasted like Pepsi. We were at the movies watching Wicker Man (TERRIBLE MOVIE). It was my first time ‘making out’ and it was awkward as hell. Way too much tongue.

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. We met through a mutual friend. We ended up in a garage band together. The first night we kissed played out like a movie. It was one of the most romantic nights I have ever had. We didn’t want our friend to feel awkward though, so we hid our relationship from him for a while, though I think he had a pretty good idea of what was going on. It just kind of became the elephant in the room.

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. Having my Whipple surgery in August 2016. It has completely messed up my entire life; turned it upside down and savagely shaken in. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same after that. I was so ill-informed. If I knew then what I knew now, there’s no way in hell I would ever go through with it. You couldn’t even pay me to do it. 5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. Wow. I don’t know if I can choose! I love every birthday I’ve ever had in North Carolina. Especially the one that I spent the night in a haunted school. I loved the whale watching trip I went on in San Diego when I turned 20. I had a blast going to the drag club with my only friend in San Diego when I was 21. When I turned 23 and went to the World Wildlife Zoo & Aquarium and the Cheesecake factory, I felt so good. So yeah, it’s pretty tough to talk about just one.

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. This past one. I was too sick from the surgery, I couldn’t celebrate at all. And my mom was so stressed with taking me back and forth to the hospital that she didn’t have time to prepare in any way. I had to delay it and I still haven’t entirely celebrated it. :/

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. My chin and my forehead. I feel like they’re more masculine features. And I was teased about them relentlessly in middle school and sometimes online by strangers. And my teeth. I can’t go to a dentist because it’s too expensive and my insurance is being a bitch about covering it.

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. There are several times I could have lied down and given up, just been finished with life. And my parents would let me go if that's what I truly wanted. But I keep getting back up to my feet, and I keep moving forward, because I feel like I have so much I have to do in this world before I leave it.

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. My eyes. My legs. My tattoos.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I had a physical altercation with my father about 7 or so years ago. But I also had a massive falling out with my best friend, and we didn’t talk to each other for several months, but I finally caved because I love her too much to just let her go. And I know we’re better together than apart.

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. Wow. The ones where I’ve found love, and where I belong.

12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. When I was younger, like 3, I had this dream that my mom was trapped in a coma in this translucent coffin outside of the grocery store and no matter how I screamed for her, she wouldn’t wake up. And more recently, I had a fever dream where I was trapped in a house I lived in when I was younger, and it was nighttime and there were these man-animal creatures stalking around and howling outside. It doesn’t sound so terrifying now, but when I think about it, I start to feel physically ill.

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. HAH. It was awkward as hell. It was in my parents’ garage. My mom walked in, and I bolted half-naked out the back door, leaving my boyfriend at the time, to pull his pants up, and face my mother. Sometimes I think it doesn’t count, but I suppose that it does. Kind of.

14:Talk about a vacation. Going to North Carolina. It’s the other place in this world that I truly feel at home. Every time I visit, it’s always the absolute best.

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. I’m not even sure when that was. Maybe when I was playing in the waves in St. Pete, FL with my mom just an hour before we had to fly back home. It was so spontaneous and it felt so good.

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. My costume parties were always fun. But hands down, the parties I’ve had with my relatives in North Carolina.

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. Jenna Marbles. I think we’d have a blast together. We both have a crazy similar sense of humor.

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I met my best friend. (:

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. I hiked 10 miles into the Grand Canyon to Havasupai with my class.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. A kid poked me in the side where my gall bladder was and I had to have emergency surgery to have it removed. I don’t think that kid ever got that trauma out of his mind. Lol.

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I’ve only turned people down that I’ve met online. Because there’s a lot of baggage that comes with all of them that I never want to deal with.

22:Talk about your worst fear. Dying. I can’t imagine being without my parents, or my babies. I don’t want to leave them. It’s terrifying. What if I’m all alone in the end?

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I went to a movie with a guy and after he dropped me off at home, I told him that I really liked him and he told me that he wasn’t in a place where he wanted to be dating. He started going with another girl a couple days later.

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. When @anoddityofsorts asked me to be her maid of honor. It meant the world to me to be there for her like that.

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. We became more than best friends at one point, but then later they told me that they were just using me to get by, until they could get more friends, and now that they had more, they didn’t need me anymore.

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Sleep. Binge-watch shows. Cuddle with my kids.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. I love hips. Especially when they have a distinct V. Mmm.

28:Talk about your fetishes. I don’t think I really have fetishes so much as things that really turn me on. Like biting. :3

29:Talk about what turns you on. A good sense of humor, a love of animals and family, biting, hard breathing, tickling (the stroking kind), good hygiene, muscles, being fit, a little cockiness, intelligence.

30:Talk about what turns you off. Arrogance, ignorance, neediness, clinginess, family issues, huge egos, spouting random bullshit, being overly shy.

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think it’s utterly terrifying, until you finally make it to the other side. And from there, I think it’s whatever you make it to be. It’s never the same for everybody.

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. My ‘haunted house’. It was a pile of boulders in the forest about a mile from the house I was living in.

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. Talk to my mom.

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. This bizarre pain that I’ve been experiencing in my lower back/abdomen since the surgery in August.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. HURTING.

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. I don’t really feel guilty about anything that brings me happiness.

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. My second boyfriend. I was definitely infatuated, but now I know that I was definitely not ‘in love’.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Wow. Lifehouse’s first album reminds me of the first person I ever role-played with. So does Blue October. Skillet’s first album reminds me of my writing partner, who helped me write one of the main characters in my novels.

39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. The recovery process of this surgery.

40:Talk about the end of something in your life. When my dad moved to North Carolina. My heart was absolutely broken that he was ‘leaving’ the family. I still struggle with it, but it’s kind of become the norm. No matter how hard it is after he visits and has to head back East.

41. Talk about the most romantic moment in your life. Again, with the first person I really ever loved. We were in his car after going to a Harry Potter premier. We talked until 5 in the morning, about everything. It was November, so it was cold, and his hands were freezing. So I cupped them in my hands and breathed hot air to warm them up. We were getting increasingly closer to each other, until our eyes met, and we just kissed. I’ve never had butterflies like I did then.

42. Talk about your ultimate favorite song, and the story behind it. ‘The Power of Love’ from Sailor Moon. It’s such an uplifting and empowering song and it never fails to make me think of @anoddityofsorts, and all the good times we’ve had rocking out to that song. Especially at her wedding. Though I’m pretty sure all that dancing just about killed me. Lol.

#personal #survey #questionnaire #taco bout it

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citypillow2-blog · 5 years

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My Favorite Places to Move My Body in New York City

Until The Wellness Project came into my life three years ago, I had managed to remain a boutique fitness virgin.

I had never been to Soul Cycle or shaken my booty to dance cardio beats. My idea of doing something outside the box was actually using my Crunch gym membership, rather than sitting on the couch, exhausted after a day of catering.

So while it might have taken less will power than The Vice Detox, the month that I dedicated to moving more and trying every type of boutique workout under the Manhattan sun, proved to be the most grueling. I tried kickboxing and spin. Pole dancing and barre. HIIT and SLT.

What I discovered is that I am no basic bitch when it comes to exercise. I’m simply basic in the old sense of the word. I like to keep things simple. Pure. Perhaps even a little boring.

Yoga and pilates remain my main forms of fitness these days, and after trying dozens of studios over the years, I’ve honed in on my favorite styles, teachers, and places to practice in New York.

Since I get asked for recommendations all the time, and am not the kind of person (or, er, influencer) who takes a phone into a workout class, I thought I’d share my favorite places to move my body in New York City on the blog today.

I’m still on the hunt for a great place to try aero or acro yoga, so if anyone has any thoughts, I’d love to hear them in the comments section!

Read on for some of the best yoga and pilates studios in Manhattan and Brooklyn, and other out of the box ways to add a little more movement to your days in the big city. Contrary to these pictures, my favorite is not actually my living room!

In other news, if you’re looking for some accountability on the movement front, the next session of 4 Weeks to Wellness is officially open for enrollment! Week 3 is all about moving your body more, and in additional to the classes I’m going to force you to schedule, you’ll also get my video series of pelvic floor exercises and desk side stretches to work on your posture. More here.

With health and hedonsim,

Phoebe

The Studio (Previously Katonah Yoga Bowery)

If you’ve read The Wellness Project then you know around the time I began throwing out my back, I became disenamored with yoga. Though I’d been practicing since high school, it didn’t seem to be working for my body anymore and only caused my lower back more pain.

I originally discovered Katonah Yoga’s NYC studio through their pilates classes, which were instrumental in getting my core back to a happy place. But once I got up the courage to try yoga again, I realized that I had unexpectedly stumbled into the most magical and different approach—one that stresses alignment more than anything.

The practice was developed by Nevine Michaan at the Katonah Yoga Center in Westchester and is described as sacred origami for the body. The classes are small, hands on (to the extreme) and intimate. It’s often filled with teachers from other yoga studios eager to learn their theories of physiology and how they impact our mental wellness. The classes themselves are the perfect mixture of woo woo and real physical work.

The New York City branch was renamed The Studio last year. Take a class with my favorite teacher, Alex Sherry! She will make you laugh while your legs are burning from a 10 minute forward fold.

Sky Ting Yoga

This airy studio (with locations in Chinatown, Tribeca and Williamsburg) shares many of the same teachers as The Studio. Sky Ting classes tend to be larger format flows rather than the workshop-y vibe of The Studio. But if you’re looking for something more traditional, it’s my favorite option.

Yoga Vida

The best aspect of Yoga Vida is that they offer hot yoga without the stifling, humidity. The studios are outfitted with infared lights, which help draw out heavy metals by heating your body from the inside out, rather than pumping the room with dry heat. I find it much less oppressive and manageable, especially during off-peak times. When the room is packed, as it tends to be after work, the room gets pretty swampy. I also much prefer the flow format to the pose-holding grind of bikram yoga. My favorite teacher is Bryan Nygard (who also practices Katonah yoga).

Fort Pilates

It’s rare to find group machine pilates classes in New York that aren’t set to blaring pop music (I’m looking at you SLT and Flex Studios!). Fort offers a traditional-style reformer class in the most lovely, plant-heavy setting. There are only 6 machines, so spots book up far in advance. But it’s my favorite place in Brooklyn to practice. The teachers are all incredibly knowledgeable and the small class size allows for them to really key an eye on your form.

Chelsea Movements

My favorite pilates place in Manhattan is this gem in Chelsea! They offer group reformer classes, but also fantastic one-on-one instruction if you’re recovering from an injury or just getting started with non-mat pilates. I had a series with Deejay Gray when I first threw out my back and she was a life saver.

Barre3

Though yoga and pilates are more my jam, the only boutique studio I’ve found that speaks to me, while taking my cardio up a notch, is barre3. Sadie Lincoln’s method combines barre, pilates and dance to create one upbeat, lower body burning experience that is both joyful and fun. Unlike many studios in New York, they don’t push you beyond your limit and offer plenty of room to modify movements so you’re honoring where your body is that day.

The Bari Studio

I’ve only gone to this trampoline cardio studio once, but I wanted to add it to the list for anyone who is more inclined to push themselves than I am. The bouncing portion of the class was both incredibly difficult and exhilarating. You can choose between classes that combine all disciplines, or stick to pure dance, sculpting or jumping.

Gotham Archery

I titled this post places to move rather than places to work out since I’m much more game for unlikely sports than I used to be. I’m not sure some would even count archery as exercise. But it sure is FUN! You can take an intro lesson at Gotham Archery in Gowanus and then have access to rent a target/lane anytime. It’s a great weeknight activity to do with friends before heading to dinner or drinks. They also have axe or knife throwing classes!

Citibike

Why spend $40 on a boutique spin class when you can take an incredibly heavy bike out for a spin on the city streets? You might not go as fast or feel as athletic peddling around on one of the city’s bike share rides, but they are actually a serious workout due to their size and build. Besides peddling around a park, my favorite stretches include: Gold Street in Dumbo to Williamsburg along Flushing to Kent (or Fort Greene to Williamsburg from Vanderbilt to Flushing to Kent) or along the waterfront from Dumbo to Red Hook. I wouldn’t try to ride one over a bridge if I were you – walking is much easier with the crowds and more enjoyable.

Tennis at NYC Parks

For $100 you can purchase a permit to play on any New York City public tennis court throughout the season. Most locations are first come first serve, so it’s easiest during weekday mornings or other off-peak times. There are fabulous courts in Central Park, Prospect Park, and our local area, Fort Greene Park. You can also find leagues throughout the summer if you want a community to play with, like the Fort Greene tennis ladder!

What are you favorite places to move your butt? Do you prefer boutique classes or do you make the city your gym? Let me know in the comments!

Source: https://feedmephoebe.com/best-yoga-studios-new-york-city/

#read more #see more #check it out #interesting #learn more

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