#not the gross nutsacks but like the literal ones

[kuchipark]

Using tumblr on browser, feeling like the pope

[summercurial]

preferences regarding a guy's penis? preferred size, shape? girth and length preferences? curved or straight? wrt girth: constant radius or center bulge? relative head size? grower or shower? cut or uncut? skin color preferences (look, some people have them)? pubic hair preferences? ball/nutsack preferences?

okay so the thing about dick size is that large dicks are hot but also as size grows increasingly impractical. so theres kind of a balancing force. anyway if its not long enough for me to deepthroat thats decidedly disappointing. longer than that though and i cant really satisfy without deepthroating which is bad for like, my oxygen consumption. so i guess like, 6 inches or a little over is optimal? im not great at estimating dimensions of things. i dont think i really have girth preferences. i feel like probably skinnier is better for anal though, painwise. definitely prefer mostly straight, curved is a huge pain for sucking (sometimes literally if it like pushes hard against the top or side of my mouth/throat) although it all depends on degree i guess. center bulge is weird. i mean i dont have a dislike its just weird. whats going on there. why does it bulge in the middle. there was this one guy in canada who i kept matching with who was a dick but really hot and the head of his dick was SO much bigger than the shaft and he never acknowledged it. it was weird. definitely shower. casual bulge is hot. prefer cut cuz like. sometimes theres gonna be some flavor under the skin. gross. no skin color preference i guess. totally shaved hair is prickly, but if its long enough it can get in my nose, so maybe like, trimmed if its naturally really long? idk. im not sure what preferences soemone could possibly have about balls

[nikkoliferous]

Ragnarok Makes No Damn Sense (Part 1)

Having now laid out who Loki has always been and why there was an open agenda to demean and debase him, we come to why Thor: Ragnarok is antithetical to his character. Buckle your damn seatbelt. We've got a lot to unpack.

Off the bat, we're supposed to be appalled/annoyed/something that Loki has usurped the throne from Odin. Yet when last we left our heroes, Thor had abdicated his role as King of Asgard, knowing full well that Odin's health was failing, he was emotionally unfit to rule, and there was no other heir to fill his role. Oops! And for all that we're meant to believe in Loki's selfish ambitions for a throne, let us not forget that Loki-as-Odin at the end of The Dark World offered Thor this kingship. It was Thor who refused. What was it he said at the time? Oh, yes.

"For all his grave imbalance, Loki understood rule as I know I never will."

Now Ragnarok wants us to forget all that. It doesn't suit the narrative Taika Waititi wishes to spin. He wants us to believe that Loki is a terrible, lazy ruler who cares only about glorifying himself. But wait, is Loki a terrible ruler? The Hero™ tells us he is, so it must be so. And yet all we really know of Loki's reign is that he had a non-interventionist foreign policy, improved public infrastructure, and supported the arts. Wow, yeah, what a dick.

We will soon go on to meet Doctor Strange, a character who in comparison to Loki is a novice at magic yet somehow repeatedly manages to get the drop on the trickster. This is necessary in order to minimize Loki's power and competence in the eyes of the viewer. Let me also explain why the "I have been falling for 30 minutes" scene is not charming.

Does anyone think perhaps Loki may have a touch of PTSD related to the sensation of falling? No? Then perhaps we should instead analyze the deleted scene in which Loki is locked in a portapotty while men repeatedly urinate on him until Thor arrives to let him out. The fact that this was an idea someone had to begin with is gross. The fact that they came close enough to using it that it was actually filmed is downright shameful. Every single person at Marvel involved in approving this trash should commit seppuku in penance.

Ignoring the sexual assault implications here... I mean, this is literally toilet humour. Literally. What are we, five years old? Who the hell actually finds this funny?

"I keep a watch list of individuals and beings from other realms that may be a threat to this world." - Doctor Strange, Thor: Ragnarok

So how did you miss the huge, purple nutsack wreaking havoc across the cosmos? I mean, no offense. I'm just saying.

Now we have the culmination of Odin's A+ parenting. He's at the end of his life just because he feels like it, I guess, so now it's time to pretend he gives a damn about Loki for a few seconds again. One "I love you" without even looking at him is supposed to make a millennium of emotional abuse and neglect all better or something. Even in his death, Odin can't seem to stop screwing with Loki's mind. What a charming man, I'll sure miss him.

Oh, but before he's on his way, he has a teensy weensy confession to make. Remember when he lied to you about your entire existence, Loki? LOL! He lied to Thor about being the firstborn too! And now the evil sister neither of you knew you had is coming to destroy everything and he's given you no time to plan how to stop her! Don't you feel much better now?

It's been about five minutes since we were reminded that Loki is a coward and an idiot or something, so contrary to Tom Hiddleston's own words that

"The thing with Loki is that, if he’s afraid, he won’t show it. He’s been highly trained, through the experience of his slightly traumatic life, to shield his fears."

it became necessary for Loki to immediately panic and lead Hela straight to the one place he knows she'll be most powerful. Whoops!

The Warriors 3 are quickly dispatched by Hela because it's important we remember that the first two Thor movies were trash and nothing that ever happened in them has any meaning. By the way, Heimdall is Thor's new BFF now and Thor will never mention his former friends ever again. Ever. Like, even in passing. Like they never existed. Those people who committed literal treason for him both before and after he was banished in Thor (2011). And then again in The Dark World. Those friends.

Meanwhile, Thor and Loki have both landed on a planet called Sakaar. It's a giant trash heap and that about sums up how I feel about this whole damn movie, so credit to TW for the symbolism, I suppose. Here's possibly the most cringeworthy moment in the whole debacle—and that's a very high bar. Or low, I guess, depending on how you look at life.

He's a Norse god... screaming, "oh my god!" I don't have enough hands for all the facepalming I feel like doing right now.

Anyhow, Loki and Thor have arrived on Sakaar separately and Thor has just noticed Loki sitting across the room, casually joking about his own suicide attempt. Because there's nothing funnier than suicide, amirite?! Especially when you still haven't sorted through any of the complex issues that led you to become suicidal to begin with. Who cares? We're just here for the lulz, yeah?

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Korg, I'm the director's annoying self-insert, and I'll be pissing on every poignant moment from here on out because reflection is for nerds. You just need to smile more."

Hey, remember that time in The Dark World where Loki was stuck in solitary confinement for a year and Thor didn't come to visit him even once? Now Thor is the one locked up and Loki has come to visit him almost immediately. To offer his help. To try to relate. Maybe mourn the loss of... everything together. But Thor's not interested in relating. He's interested in scapegoating Loki, because that's what this family does.

"What would you like me to say? You faked your own death, you stole the throne, stripped Odin of his power, stranded him on Earth to die, releasing the Goddess of Death.” - Thor, Thor: Ragnarok

To borrow a phrase from the late Luke Skywalker, "Amazing. Every word of what you just said is wrong."

► Loki has never faked his death. What he did is fail to die on Svartalfheim, through no fault of his own. It seems a little insane I have to defend Loki's right to not die, but here we are, I guess.

"We planned to have Loki have a redemptive death[...]We think he's wounded, but it wasn't a death blow." - Kevin Feige, The Dark World DVD extras

"Loki probably in his heart wants to be worthy, and the way he achieves his redemption—his salvation—is to ultimately sacrifice himself, for Thor and for Jane. I hope it’s a very cathartic and moving moment, by saving his brother’s life and avenging his mother’s death." - Tom Hiddleston, The Dark World DVD extras

The worst that can be said of Loki's "betrayal" of Thor at the end of The Dark World is that he failed to inform him that he had survived. And Loki had very good reasons to do so. What had Thor offered him in exchange for his help with the Dark Elves? He would return him to his cell to live out the rest of his days in complete isolation—a fate that I will just reiterate is classified as a form of psychological torture.

► Loki didn't steal the throne. As mentioned above, he offered Thor the throne. Thor said no.

► There is zero evidence beyond Thor's own assumptions that Loki stripped Odin of his powers. We are meant to believe this only because we are told that it is so. On the contrary: "It took me some time to break free of your spell," Odin tells Loki before his death. But if Odin had been stripped of his power, how then did he eventually break free? Upon examination, Thor's logic fails.

► Loki did not "strand Odin on Earth to die". He left him in a freaking retirement home where he had every expectation that Odin would be well-cared for. An argument can certainly be made that after everything Odin has done to Loki in the past, Loki was downright merciful not to kill the old man in his sleep and be done with it.

► Loki had no way of even knowing Hela existed. How is her release his fault and not, say, Odin's for dealing with all his problem children by tossing them out and throwing away the key? Or for not preparing his sons for the day they would be forced to face her?

Oh well. Now it's time for Loki Is A Coward™, Part Deux, because as I may have mentioned previously:

"The thing with Loki is that, if he’s afraid, he won’t show it. He’s been highly trained, through the experience of his slightly traumatic life, to shield his fears." - Tom Hiddleston

MINOR ENDGAME SPOILER:

Reminder also that this was Loki's reaction to the Hulk in Endgame, only minutes after being beaten to a pulp by him

Doesn't seem particularly frightened, but what do I know?

Hey, remember back in Thor (2011) when this happened? If the Valkyrie were already legend, why did Sif need to prove herself as a female warrior?

Shhh. You were supposed to forget about that minor detail. Now back to the butt jokes.

Now let’s take a short intermission, shall we? Because this movie blows so hard that if I put all my criticisms in one post, it’ll probably break Tumblr.

↩️ back to the compendium

[ussstrangeiron]

Needed Interactions

Tony Stark has a deep, complex relationship with Steve Rogers! Ok, if you say so. Whatever. Look I’ll buy it, but please, I would MUCH rather see Tony’s relationship with......well, literally anyone, but particularly these people: 

The Walking Example/Reminder of Why Tony Became Iron Man 

He became Iron Man specifically because Stane was selling his weapons to terror groups in other countries, who used them to kill innocents. Here is one of the victims of Tony’s past. In the Avengers. Her entire reason for being in the Avengers is being one of Stane’s customers’ victims. 

And she and Tony barely interact. 

(The rest, copy-pasted from the Wanda volume) 

In “Civil War” their main beef with each other was over him “locking her in her room.” All the serious shit, they somehow buried the hatched about between movies… and we never saw it.

Did she ever feel bad about triggering his PTSD to cause all that destruction, and try using her powers to help fix his mental problems after switching sides? (And maybe make another boo-boo, this time by accident?) Did Tony ever use his money and influence to help her, to try and make up for the mis-sold weapons? Do they ever relate their guilt complexes to each other or talk about PTSD? Is Tony pissed for what she did to Bruce? Did Tony give her the money to buy that new red Goth outfit? Did they two of them ever get mistaken for a sugar daddy and his young Russian mail-bride and be comically grossed out?

 These are things I need to know!

You know why. 

I love Shuri, I worship Shuri, but Tony should have been the one to replace that arm, and you know why. What that would have done for their story arc. How much more powerful it would be than, rather than just “Oh BTW here’s an new arm yo.” 

I’ll also drop here that Bucky knew Howard; Tony knows about torture and mental instability; both are psychotically protective of people they care about, both have colossal guilt complexes. 

Tony supposedly has a conflicted friendship with Steve. Bucky supposedly is super protective of Steve. ............Fine. I’ll buy it. I can’t, actually, but I can pretend to. But Tony has far more reason to have a conflicted relationship with Bucky, and Bucky has ample reason to be protective of Tony. Basically, both’s supposed relationship with Steve would be far better used with each other. I think this is the basis of Winteriron, to be honest. 

Basically you have these two goldmines of angst, played by brilliant actors, who have been given the angstiest possible connection to each other..... but there’s this red, white and blue wall of cardboard standing between them. 

Actually, he could be Tony’s conscience. 

His impulsive actions in “Civil War” notwithstanding, anyway. That line was pretty ironic, since Tony’s conscience was exactly the reason he signed the Accords, and he made that clear to Cap. Cap clearly isn’t quite as honest as he likes to think of himself as being. In “Ant-Man and the Wasp,” it’s confirmed that Scott went into the Civil War with little information, and regrets it. 

Scott is a lot like Tony, but a bit more mature. Relatively speaking, I mean. Both are obnoxious man-childs, but Scott is a dad, and grew up working class, so he sort of has that head start on Tony. Hey, here’s an idea! Maybe instead of having a beefcake propaganda mascot regurgitate nonsensical heroic cliches at Tony, have a guy who can speak Tony’s language (Snark) and who at least makes some effort to practice what he preaches. Tony and Scott’s head-butting and team-ups would be worth a trillion of Tony and Steve. 

Every pop culture snark Tony makes would be countered by a torturous bad ant pun that would cause that famous eye-roll to occur. 

I NEED THIS. I NEED THIS YESTERDAY. 

For the love of King Odin’s nutsack. You can’t just give us two snarky, egotistical, jackass eccentric scientists, one of whom was screwed by the other’s dad and hates Starks, and not have them cross paths! 

“Dr.... Pimp was it?” 

“I’ve never heard that one before. Espeically not straight from forth grade to graduate school.” 

Pepper and Hope would have so much to lament about together. 

THIS TOO

After snark-to-snark combat with Star Lord, Dr. Strange, and God willing both Ant-Mans, I must see Tony’s reaction to learning that his final contender is a raccoon. 

Duh.

After she utterly emasculates Tony in the lab, he will get back when he trains her in hand-blasting.... only for her to get back with some quip about him being a fat old man she’s just giving a workout for. Shuri, don’t talk to your future father-in-law like that. 

Also, I want Shuri, Tony and Rocket to do something illegal (break into a government lab for some reason, or something like that). Christine Everhart, the reporter who hates Tony, finds out and blackmails him about it. 

“...and I’ll make sure the headline just reads, ‘45 Year Old Playboy Caught In Illegal Activity With Teenage Wakandan Princess and a Raccoon.’” 

To which Tony wheezes, “Awful nice of you to lower my age...” and then caves.

Also, remember in “Men in Black,” when Will Smith interrupts Tommy Lee Jones and Rip Torn’s argument in the lab with “Hey, Old Guys!” I need Shuri to do that to Tony and Pym, while they’re arguing and overlooking something obvious. 

MORE DAMMIT! I NEED MORE THAN ONE SCENE BETWEEN THE MCU’S TWO BIGGEST DIVAS! 

Purely for light humor and serious character development. Certainly not for ship-teasing. 

[jaskiersbard]

Again TMI but it’s my time of the month, my period is here and I’m an absolute mess so I’m going to have a quick (not) rant

Thankfully no cramps yet but I’m positive they’re coming soon

Stomach/digestive issues

My boobs are so sore rn like it hurts just to lie here even without a bra on (and my boobs aren’t even THAT big)

Big craving for chocolate rn but we have none

I want to cry for no reason like I just felt like crying just now because I had to book a bra fitting and I can’t do it until after I work on Saturday which means I have to work with a wire digging into my tits

I remembered that Gilbert and Anne were in love and started crying - for NO REASON, just the fact I remembered they loved each other made me cry

Why do women need boobs??? There’s nothing sexy about them they’re just lumps of fat and tissue WHY ARE THEY SO SEXUALIZED

I mean yes they can provide sexual pleasure but so can touching someone’s hip/neck/arm/back/waist/anything tbh

I can’t wear nice clothes or pyjamas because of the danger of leaking

Does anyone else have that weird back and forth feeling of “don’t you dare fucking touch me” and “holy hell I want sex rn”??

Why are periods so taboo like...? Half the population have them so why is it so gross to talk about them?? I mean yeah there’s blood coming out of a yoo-hah and it’s not pleasant and we can’t hold it in but why is society so intent on demonising them and making them out to be the most shameful thing ever?

I mean I’m just saying that if I have to see men’s hairy nutsacks and limp dicks online (and that’s typing in innocent stuff like “fitness” or “dance”??) then I think men should put up with girls talking about cramps and shit

Literally I do want kids someday (not now obviously) but WHY IS THIS A THING NO ONE WANTS IT

Did I mention sore tits and water retention because it HURTS and deserves another mention

Any person who says that being kicked in the nuts is worse than child birth or periods can personally have my period every month. Take them off me now if you’re so tough.

[yallreddieforthis]

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Richie

Fandom: It (2017)

Pairing: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier

Rating: T (for language)

Words: 2.7k

Pre-relationship. Movie canon-compliant but not book. Also posted on AO3

The Greater Fool Series: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 4.5 (NSFW) | Part 5

It seems impossible that a person can be both that shitty and the shit at the same time but like...it’s Richie. And since Richie doesn’t give a single fuck about following any kind of rules, Eddie guesses the ones that govern Eddie’s emotions don’t apply to him either. Greaaaat.

Sometimes Eddie can't believe it's Richie.

Maybe even most of the time, like when everything out of his mouth is your mom and my wang and it's just words, it's not even funny, and Eddie can only tune him out or try to talk over him. Richie cannot shut the fuck up for one goddamn second. And it's not even like Eddie can pin it to anything specific—like, oh, Richie talks more when he's angry or nervous or excited—because he does it when he's every one of those things and any other thing besides. The tone may change—the subject matter even—but the talking. Never. Stops.

Eddie doesn’t really consider himself a beacon of cultural knowledge, but he does own a TV. So he at least has a vague idea of what a British person might sound like, which is more than he can say for Richie. Richie also owns a TV, and yet his British Guy impression is so god-awful that Eddie has to assume he’s basing it on someone’s description of a fever dream they once had about a London street urchin from the eighteen hundreds. This only applies to the actual words though, not the pronunciation—which is pretty much indistinguishable from just Richie being Richie—and that’s across the board for all the voices, not just the British Guy. For someone who loves imitating other people as much as Richie does, it’s unbelievable how remarkably all his Guys sound like they’re from Derry, Maine. Because shouting out mangled phrases he half-remembers from the time he watched Mary Poppins six years ago—in the most American voice imaginable—is still somehow Richie’s interpretation of a British accent.

That isn’t even the worst part of The Voices though. The worst part is that Richie seems to have a sixth sense that alerts him to the exact moment at which it would most infuriate Eddie for him to do one, and invariably it’s as if a little light goes off in the least-developed part of his brain that says Time To Be Italian! (or Southern, or German—he has a constantly expanding, but not noticeably improving, repertoire) and it’s like he just has to do it right then. Sometimes it makes Eddie want to scream at him. Sometimes Eddie does scream at him. But screaming makes no difference; Eddie knows perfectly well that Richie will absolutely do it again the second the urge strikes him, no matter how inappropriate the timing or what Eddie does in reaction.

He's fucking gross too. Not necessarily grosser than the rest of them, but he certainly subscribes to the teenage boy brand of hygiene that dictates that he only really has to shower when Eddie finally shoves him away with a you smell like a sweaty nutsack. Of course then Richie inches closer and it's all how would you know, huh? and Eddie has to be like because I have nuts too, dipshit, and if you never wash them you'll—

And then all his warnings about bacteria and fungal infections are drowned out in the your mom and my wang and vague, half-heard rumors Richie repeats about people from school that Eddie knows aren't true, and he's pretty sure Richie doesn't even believe himself. Fuck him and his terrible, nasty-ass jokes.

Some days he thinks Richie purposely doesn't shower specifically so that he can torment Eddie with his unbearable boy stank. Or how he'll like, step in dog shit and just sort of shrug and wipe the sole of his shoe in the grass and then keep going with whatever he was doing like he's not literally tracking shit everywhere. If Eddie were to step in dog shit—which he wouldn't because he watches where he's going like a sane person—it would bring his entire day to a screeching halt. He gets that he's in the minority when it comes to these kinds of things, but he doesn't get why.

And then Richie has the audacity to suggest that Eddie's just as bad as the rest of them—when he says things like you’re convinced your shit doesn't stink, or it’s the smell of your own breath wafting back in your face—like he thinks Eddie is kind of gross too. Which shouldn't bother him, but it does. Somewhere very, very deep down in his gut he has a nagging suspicion as to why that might possibly be, but he's hell-bent on ignoring it at least until the inevitable destruction of the planet Earth, if not even longer. And that’s going like...pretty well for him. Reasonably well. Maybe a little less well than it used to be, but he's almost fourteen now and he thinks he should probably have a solid handle on the whole thing within the next couple of years.

But even if Richie wasn't either of those things—annoying, disgusting—there's nothing really exceptional that he is. It's not like he's a genius; the gigantic, goofy glasses make him look smarter than he actually is, and he gives as few shits about school as he does about anything else. Eddie is sure that Mrs. Tozier has never been to a parent-teacher conference where she didn’t hear the phrase if he only applied himself, and he’s equally sure that every one of the teachers who said it knew that they were wasting their breath. If Mrs. Tozier—or anyone else—stood even the slightest chance of motivating Richie to care about pre-algebra, there would have been upward mobility in his GPA long before now. Eddie has to assume he does at least some homework—if for no other reason than because he hasn’t been held back yet—but as far as he can tell, Richie bent over a textbook at home is a sight as yet unwitnessed by mankind.

Richie’s not athletic either—by any definition of the word—at least not until they decide to make Competitive Talking an Olympic sport. He’s really good on his bike, but that’s a skill he developed out of practicality because the alternative is being stuck walking all over Derry, and it’s not like being able to ride a bike is something to brag about because even Eddie can do that. But Richie’s not a fast runner. He can’t do a push-up unless it’s the kind that only count as push-ups when girls do them, knees on the ground. He can’t even throw a spitball into a trash can from three feet away (his performance in the Rock War against Bowers and his goons was a crazy, adrenaline-fueled exception)—and like, okay, the bad aim can probably be chalked up to his horrendous eyesight, but even beyond that there’s this general, overall lack of coordination. Eddie has what amounts to a universal pass that effectively excuses him from participating in PE for his entire school career, so he’s never been physically present for what goes down on the yard, but he can pretty much piece it together from the scrapes and bruises all over Richie’s arms and legs. It doesn’t matter what unit they’re on—dodgeball, baseball, soccer, tetherball—Richie plays only one position: target.

He doesn’t fare any better in the kind of extracurriculars that teachers and parents care about, like music. Richie is an aggressively bad singer—a fact Eddie is forcibly reminded of every time anyone has a birthday because Richie always makes a point of sandwiching Eddie between himself and someone who won’t run away (usually the birthday kid’s mom) while he belts out an eardrum-shattering rendition of Happy Birthday at the top of his lungs. Richie seems to interpret birthday party invitations as personal challenges for him to sing louder and worse, challenges he has so far risen to spectacularly on every occasion. The song gets longer each time too, because he never forgets to include Frankenstein on channel nine and the big fat lady on channel eighty and whatever new, ruder verses he’s scrounged up out of nowhere between the last birthday party and this one. Richie’s singing is actually one of the most obnoxious things about him, in Eddie’s opinion, which is really saying something.

He is so unrestrainedly, deliberately awful that Eddie could honestly imagine some idiot adult who doesn’t know Richie listening to him screech the chorus of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go over and over in Eddie’s ear (the newest sabotage tactic he’s been deploying at the arcade to try to make Eddie lose at Street Fighter) and thinking wow, maybe that kid actually has a beautiful singing voice but doesn’t want anyone to know because he’s worried people will make fun of him. They would be wrong, of course, because even when he’s not actively trying to suck, Richie can’t sing for shit. Eddie doesn’t have to know anything about music to be able to tell that Richie’s real singing voice—the one he almost never uses—is flat and off-key. And forget about instruments because whenever someone makes the mistake of letting him get his hands on one, he immediately tries to shove it down his pants—or worse, Eddie’s pants—and pretend it’s a wang.

There’s art—and Eddie has noticed that being a really good artist can absolve someone of the sin of sucking at everything else. Bill, for example, is talented enough with watercolor pencils that if he drew people’s attention to his sketches, he could probably get away with not knowing how to write a half-decent thesis statement or multiply fractions (even though Bill does know how to do those things) because people would just affix the tortured artist label to him and stop giving him shit about the stutter. And Richie actually draws a lot—probably as much as Bill if it’s purely a question of quantity over quality—it’s just that the only things he seems to be interested in drawing are dicks, and the places he chooses to draw them are all technically the property of the Derry Public School District. Also, his fine motor skills are at least as bad as his gross ones, because his handwriting looks the way his singing voice sounds, and the dicks he draws make Eddie question if Richie has ever even looked in his own pants before.

And yet, despite all of the incontrovertible evidence that Richie is actually a walking disaster, there are other times that Eddie can't believe it’s not Richie to everyone else. Or even like anyone else.

It could be argued that it’s almost inevitable due to the sheer volume of jokes he tells, but every so often Richie will get one absolutely, unassailably right. His timing, his word choice—the heavens open, the planets align, and suddenly everybody around him is laughing so hard they can't breathe, Eddie included. His eyes usually end up watering when it happens, but he squints through them to look at Richie because in those moments, Richie glows like nothing else. He tries to act like it isn’t a big deal that everyone is pissing themselves from whateverthefuck he just blurted out of his incessantly flapping mouth hole, but Eddie can tell how thrilled he is when people actually find him funny. It's happening more and more often nowadays, enough so that Eddie sometimes wonders if maybe Richie is wasting his time at school after all. And who needs sports or music or art anyway?

And he could be a whole lot worse about Eddie’s germ thing if he wanted to be, like how some people give him hell about the pills and the inhaler and the hand washing. Richie doesn’t have detergent hands but he sure as shit will mouth off to anybody who gives Eddie a hard time about his. He can’t say Richie doesn’t at least try to look out for him, in his own weird way. Or Bill, or Stan, or Mike, or any of them. It causes more trouble than it’s worth more often than not, especially because Richie doesn’t have any discernable muscle with which to back up his shit-talking, so it probably would honestly be better if he would just like...not. But Eddie can’t really help appreciating it all the same.

But the hardest thing to ignore about Richie—and Eddie wouldn’t admit this to anyone, even under threat of death by clown—is that his memories of what Richie did for him over the summer have become a kind of personal, private shield against fear. They all try to avoid thinking about It as much as they reasonably can (which isn’t much; it’s not like you just go and forget about the time you and all your friends climbed down a haunted well so you could almost get eaten by a demon clown in the sewers), but Eddie’s positive he isn’t the only one who lies awake at night when the sound of his own pounding heartbeat is making him too nauseous to sleep.

The lights are off because it’s almost worse when they’re on. Maybe if he can’t see It coming, it’ll just eat him real fast and get it over with before he even knows what hit him. Still, he doesn’t want to die—instantly is preferable to slowly, but even better is not at all. So he’s developed a set of dozens of little rules for himself to follow—like no turning over, no breathing too deeply, no limbs outside the covers, no long, slow blinks (quick ones are okay; otherwise it’s eyes all the way closed or all the way open). Realistically he knows that not a single one of these rules means jack shit to anyone outside his own brain, but somehow no-ing himself into what amounts to a vegetative state eventually bores him to sleep. Okay, usually it does. More like occasionally. Actually it’s only worked like twice, but whatever. He’ll take what he can get at this point.

Sometimes Eddie thinks he has it worse than anyone else. Well, maybe not worse than Bill. But the rest of them—he isn’t sure if any of them can really understand exactly how fucking useless he felt down in that god-forsaken lair with his arm in a cast. Bill and Beverly were awesome, Mike was like a goddamn soldier, Stan was great after he’d finished crying and even Ben, who Eddie basically thinks of as the most inoffensive kid on the planet, was tough as balls. And Eddie felt like a worthless piece of shit. He hates his arm for being broken, and he hates his nightmares for always including the broken arm. It’s coming at him—just him—and his arm is hanging limply and there’s not a goddamn thing he can do—

And that’s where Richie comes in. Only when he thinks about Richie bitching Bill out for getting them all into this shit situation while inching toward the mountain of broken toys, Richie grabbing a baseball bat and saying now I’m going to have to kill this fucking clown...only then does the terror that surrounds him all through the night start to ease up.

And then he thinks a little further back about when he fell through the floor and broke his arm in the first place, about how all his friends were crowding him and freaking the fuck out, and Richie just looked at his arm and said he was going to set the break and snapped his bone back into place while Eddie shrieked at him to do not fucking touch me. Just like, grabbed his arm where it was dangling the wrong way and fucking did it.

Sometimes… Sometimes Eddie is positive that if It were to show up in his house on any given night, Richie would immediately come crashing through his bedroom window, swinging a baseball bat. Because somehow Richie would know if It returned, would know It was coming for Eddie, would show up in time. He’d show up and keep his shit together while Eddie couldn’t. He’d probably sometimes miss with the bat, but Eddie kind of suspects that it wouldn’t matter. Richie would stand between Eddie and It and just sort of suck all the scary out of the room with his endless, pointless trash-talking. And when Eddie thinks about it that way, it’s like you know what? Screw John McClane; Richie Tozier is Eddie’s hero.

And then Richie sticks his sweaty armpit in Eddie’s face and goddamn it Eddie can’t believe it’s Richie.

[theantoniomabs]

I’ve played a lot of games in mind time, but nothing quite like this one.

South Park: The Stick of Truth is a single player game with RPG mechanics set in the wonderfully imaginative and crude world of South Park.

Join the usual cast of character, Stan, Cartman, Butters, Kyle, and Kenny as you battle through hordes of elves, mutant bacteria, Nazi Zombies, and Hobos all in hopes of retrieving the all mighty “Stick of Truth”.

At surface level this might appear to be just another series trying to rake in money by making a videogame, however in comparison to the infamous E.T. game. South Park: The Stick of Truth, deserves your money!

Here’s why:

Immersive World with tons of things to do:

This game is large! I mean, 20 + hours of content. Hard enemies that will keep you on your toes, tons of quests to complete all over South Park, and a cast of characters that is not only fun to play with, but are immensely funny.

Playing this game feels just like being inside an episode of the animated show. The cut scenes

are top notch. The character animations are of very high quality, and the story is just insane, filled with tones of twist and turns.

It’s hard to write about such a story heavy game without spoiling things, but when you’re aboard a spaceship getting rammed up the bum by alien space dildos, it’s hard to keep it a secret.

I mean come on, Mr.Slave’s summon is borderline pornographic, and Jesus Christ comes from the heavens to save you with some heavenly artillery.

It can’t get better than that… Oh wait, yes it can!

Fast Action Turn-Based Combat with a Spark

I’m not a huge fan of RPG’s mainly because I hate all the random encounters and the amount of stats one has to keep track of just to know if you’ll survive the next battle, and the waiting! Oh, I hate the waiting.

South Park: The Stick of Truth, manages to deliver a simple, concise and fun battle system that is very much inline with old RPG’s but it’s much faster, coupled with the faction action button presses that determine how much damage you’ll make or if you can defend from the attack. This is hands down, the best combat system I’ve had the pleasure of using in any RPG to date.

This game being a story somewhat rooted in Fantasy lore, has the basic classes of any RPG. A thief, a warrior, a magician, your standard stuff, but oh boy is it not standard at all.

You have 3 bars,: the health, a power bar that allows you to preform stronger attacks called abilities, and a mana bar that revolves around, literally your butt.

Eat a burrito, and watch as those potent beans fester in your stomach to deliver a nasty blow to your opponent senses.

Give me 1 Final Fantasy that shows debufs by literally putting people on fire, having them bleed out or puke their innards during combat because of how nasty your magical fart was. Didn’t think so.

If you need a refresher on what a good battle system is, you need to pick up this game. I promise that you will enjoy every second of it. I still find myself going back to it, just to study the Battle System. That’s how good it is. I wish I could give personal thanks to whoever built it. I want to be like them when I grow up.

All jokes aside, this game features a wide array of enemies, bosses, and weapons that will have you clamping at the bits for more.

Gross but Great

If you’ve made it this far, you deserve to see this nutsack. You do, it’s your accomplishment for being such a great reader.

This game is so set on making you feel like you are in an episode that the comedy gags extend into the mechanics itself. This screenshot you see above is an actual in-game fight scene with a boss that happens to be fighting you while your parents are having sex.

Horrible mental picture, I know. I got grossed out while I was typing, but I swear that when you play during the scene you’ll be laughing right out of your chair.

Everyone in the game has something to tell you, and they are all hilarious. From the lady at the corner that urges you to get a plastic nose surgery, to the alcoholic piece of poop that lives in the sewer and needs you to find her son. The writer is 100% in-line with the show. You can can imagine how much thought, passion and dedication went into this project from the amount of cleverness each line of dialogue, each cutscene and each boss fight has. You will be laughing the whole way through.

It’s Gross but Great.

Leveling System like no other

Unlike most games; in this one you do not only level up from defeating enemies and completing quests. You can also level up something call your perks based on the amount of characters you make friends with. More friends equal better perks, and in a high stake battle against the Mongolian Horde of the Tower of Peace, this can mean life or death.

Each character is excited to interact with you, and their dialogue and sometimes missions make it a true delight to go around South Park talking with everyone. Even the lame ticket box attendant is fun to interact with.

PS: You can fart on everyone! XD

Weapons Galore

This cast of fourth graders have no concern for safety. Use a bat, an axe, a sword, or a pink vibrating dildo to work your way through increasingly difficult battles against all sorts of enemies.

You can also customize your character’s style. With armor, hats, and gloves that not only affect the way you perform in battle but also look super stylish.

South Park: The Stick of Truth deserves all the praise it’s gotten and more. So pick it up next time you get a chance and let me know how you liked it in the comments section below.

  South Park: The Stick of Truth I've played a lot of games in mind time, but nothing quite like this one. South Park: The Stick of Truth…