#not to this extent but. it wouldve happened eventually.

[razberrypuck]

thinking about the undersea again. can't wait for gillion "don't practice what you preach" tidestrider to see the elders again ESPECIALLY after being factory reset in the navy stronghold. can't wait for chip and jay, who KNOW what they did to him to some extent, to bring up everything he's told them (about being good enough for yourself, about standing up to authority figures, about doing what YOU think is right) only for him to keep making excuses for the elders. to keep defending them when they really, truly do not deserve it. can't wait for jay and chip to finally see him acting like the soldier the elders raised in full. to see him stonefaced and rigid, always at attention, hesitant to speak to the elders unless spoken to. to look in his eyes when the elders address him, and seeing only fear. can't wait fo-- *gets shot*

[acaciapines]

obviously if you’re busy leave this alone but: your tag essay has made me VERY intrigued about Dess and Azzy’s relationship in this AU. Tell me about it?

(also, did you see they did an announcement about Starship Iris season 3? It’s finally gonna happen!)

okay IM HERE TO TALK LOL i will NEVER not talk about this au <3 uhhh under a cut bc. really i should just expect these get super long.

big important note up top: all of this is in! early stages! things are not fully formed and researched yet so please keep that in mind as you read this. ideas might change and will get deeper as i do more work for this au, but since rn im focusing on owl house most of these are my ideas i've had without time to do deeper dives into them.

okay so with asriel i've always sort of written him as this guy who like...has an idea of what is 'normal' in his head, ie, what society wants from people, and what it doesnt want, and he has tried his hardest his entire life to always fit into this box. (think about i know im not well--this is why he's always seen kris as a human. being nonhuman is abnormal and gets you punished in society. to an extent this is also how he views dess being aromantic.)

i think a lot of this comes from fear--asriel IS for sure contorting himself and actively harming himself to stay inside this narrow box of 'normal' (think of this as another sort of prophecy--these are all touching on the same themes). and he applies this same mentality to other people BECAUSE of this fear, because he doesnt want his loved ones to be hurt, to be punished, ostracized, etc by society--which are i wanna be clear VERY MUCH THINGS THAT HAPPEN--but in doing this he sort of just hurts the people he loves. because instead of being someone who rejects these boxes hes like. no we gotta be good and fit into the boxes and then everything will be okay.

so when it comes to dess, dess has always very much Done Her Own Thing, consequences be damned. partly this is who she is, partly this is hashtag undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, the onset of which happens around when shes 18 and everything is going down with the bunker (which is NOT helping at ALL). and so when dess comes back from the bunker asriel does very much go 'oh. shes delusional.' and proceed to be No Help At All.

and like, the thing is dess IS very much having a psychotic break. this bit is very much still in deep research (sidenote: anybody in my audience who has experience w/ these things. feel free to hit me up/dm me lol i'd love to talk through some of my ideas as a sort of preliminary sensitivity read, but of course only do this if you are up to it, no pressure lol bc again we're in early stages) but she has schizoaffective + bipolar disorder. dark worlds dont help with this, asriel SUPER doesnt help with this (he doesnt know her actual disorder--neither of them do, this is the onset of things. but tbf even if he did he Would Not Help asriel is essentially doing everything wrong here.) and what dess needs is literally one single person in her corner but the person who is supposed to be in her corner (azzy) is basically being like 'you are making this up' and shes like im NOT, and everything is all mixed together, terrible, bad, awful, and eventually everything culminates and. we know what happens.

(side note but this is why she and chara work real well together actually--chara gets her when asriel doesnt!!)

asriel never actually like. tells anybody about this though. in his head after its assumed dess and kris have died he sort of just. is like well this proves it. i cant let anybody else i care about go that far EVER AGAIN, because if i was a better friend i would've noticed and i wouldve stopped it and made dess "normal." (yes asriel sucks here. the focus is on the kids but. he's getting an arc. i do promise he will get better but. that doesnt really fix what he's done in the past.)

and all of this is like. it fucking sucks for the people around asriel. in hurting himself he's hurting his loved ones--it pushes dess away, and that relationship is never going to be the same. even when asriel realizes how he fucked up i dont think dess really forgives him. because if asriel had just believed her, or at least even if he didnt actually took her seriously and tried to help, shes like. things wouldve gone differently. and asriel knows this too.

and then when it comes to NOELLE, well. asriel's always been very overprotective of her. terrified the world is going to hurt her. and so when noelle starts experiencing things, things she cant tell if theyre real or not...

she doesnt tell him. she doesnt tell anybody. she keeps it all to herself, and this means its a hell of a lot easier for the player/red soul to manipulate her. and nobody finds out until its too late.

[thedeafprophet]

@mourningcandles oh I would love the opportunity to ramble yes

So first off, gotta expand on *why* Alex hasn't told anyone else about Fires, beyond his own incapability to talk about his feelings lol

The amount of people Alex trusts is very very small. He doesnt have many friends to begin with, and while he has many aquantinces there's certainly not those he could trust with *this level* of a secret.

He's not going to tell the light fingers crew about it - that's a level of betrayal that he's still grapling with and even early on into the dynamic switch he wouldn't know how to approach the topic.

His relationship with Jamie and Josephine is still on shakey grounds, and has not recovered to the extent that he'd broach this kind of topic to them. Though the two eventually find out, it's not something Alex can go to them with early on, and by the time they'd maybe be in a comfortable spot for that Alex is in way too deep.

So that leaves Furnace. Someone Alex

a) trust the opinion of

b) has experience dealing with Fires

Had the memory loss not happened he wouldve broached the topic with her - in fact at the end of the factory fic quite early into that shift of Alex and fires' relationship, Alex was already thinking of telling Furnace about what happened. He trusts her to have some sort of opinion on the matter.... and hopefully not enough to completely ruin their relationship. There's already a level of shared secrets between them...

I think to a small extent Furnace already knows Alex has some sort of past with Fires due to some off hand comments he wouldve made to her, though not to the full extent of telling the whole story.

So by all extents, she's really the only person he could've told.

Interesting to think how differently things would've developed if so.

[deafeninggardenerpanda]

proper post on the Thing™. tws for grooming mention and nsfw mentions im sure everyone gets the drill. im kinda obligated here to make a full reply since i was involved with the issue but Hopefully there wont be another post on this matter. if anyone has issues about what i say/think i didnt address something, talk to me in private yea im more than willing to listen and exchange views. i consulted with several people to make this post in the first place

i havent been keeping up with every response under the sun but i did see opal and blue-jester and some other people in positions of responsibility apologize, so im not gonna rag on them or go on and on about "they should know better!!" because they already know that now. instead ill talk about why i did what i did and why i thought what i did

yep i called opal a groomer at one point. oops thats on me and i shouldnt have thrown around a serious term and accusation like that without getting a better grasp on the situation. lets get that out of the way

to start, how the situation played out was i got an anon saying that i was mentioned in a callout post mtthrw made.

i dont know who sent this ask and it doesnt particularly matter. i just went to go check out the post, which was public and tagged with the main tags. this was not something given to me in private which i decided to spread publicly. first of all it was still in its 242 page glory and had minors discord ids and a lot of peoples discord developer ids (the string of numbers connected to your account that you cant change) on it. i wanted to boost the post eventually, but i was aware that i shouldnt boost something with that kind of information on it, so i dm'd the person who created the doc and gave them my suggestions first (i was the reason why the doc was shortened down to 54 pages later, for example).

they said theyd keep the former doc on the post as well, but i thought they wouldve taken out the developer ids and discord ids of minors in that one too. to be honest i dont know the extent they censored on either document, i was busy talking to other people (like quakey and another adult involved in the callout doc) at this time and then the docs got taken down before i could see them again. also note that i definitely shouldve asked them to censor the names of minors In General and not just the ids, so again, sorry, thats on me. anyways continuing with the actual events that happened, i made a vaguepost warning people to block the "negative" tag if they didnt want to see drama. (unrelated but yeah, also my bad for calling it tea/drama instead of taking it more seriously. i apologized for it after getting an anon about it later.) when i made the vaguepost i got a ton of people asking what was up, so i dm'd them.

i dm'd five people in total for this, all of which except for one or two i considered friends. that said, i have no clue how many people got access to this doc directly because of the people i shared it with. i made a lot of careless and irresponsible mistakes in my handling this, and im sorry for that. but for reasons ill cover in more detail as this post goes on, i dont think the person who made the doc had malicious intent or meant to cause harm to the minors involved.

yall see all the apologizing i just did right, now its time for me to state my case on why i seriously thought opal was a groomer at the time i called her one. btw im not gonna work to cover mtthrws ass on this, thats something they can and should make a comment on on their own.

for some reason some people think that i called opal a groomer because i personally dont like them or have personal beef with them which. Dude?? no?? i dont go around calling people groomers because of petty bullshit. as i said before, i dont know how many people saw this doc itself. i dont know how many people are commenting on this based on context other people are posting only. the doc was not up for that long, so i want to make it clear the ways opal was shown acting in the screenshots provided. this is not to send harassment or to rag on her, shes since stated she will change how she deals with these matters in the future and i am aware of that.

excuse me for not having the screenshots to back my words up (or if i do the screenshots are mad compressed), or not having complete recollection of the exact parties involved. as said ofc the doc was taken down, im reciting this to the best of my recollection, but i think people who saw the doc themselves will be able to back me up on a good portion of this at least. during the magowhore saga, there were a lot of people who came up to opal with their concerns regarding her interaction with minors and the suggestive content she was posting, as shown by her posting the anon asks she got in the planet-popstar discord. both these screenshots and her (as well as some other adults in the server) reactions to them were recorded in the doc.

types of reactions she had were; saying they're just jokes; (joking about it in itself); it was magolors fault for being horny, not her*; thats just how magolors character is; there's a difference between a character and the person writing it so she doesn't need to take responsibility (second screenshot below); (when initially getting vagueposted about her irresponsibility regarding the magowhore saga) lamenting about how people who she liked or looked up to had liked the vaguepost/agreed that she was being irresponsible (first screenshot below); directing blame onto kirbypurrs; assuming people sending her asks with concerns were part of kirbypurrs' clique** and thus disregarded them; called asks with concerns hatemail; deflecting responsibility onto minors if they saw or were interacting with her content; said that people who had concerns about her interactions with minors should just block if they dont like it; being extremely aggressive about people coming up to her with concerns in general; saying that people getting on her ass for the whole magowhore saga was breaking her stride/lamenting about how all this had to happen right as she thought she was finally getting somewhere

and, while not opal saying these next things specifically, i thought these were notable enough to mention about that servers culture: there were people around her advising her to not say anything publicly and to just lie low and wait until this whole thing blew over because people would accuse her of deflecting responsibility if she just said it was magolors fault again, and people called anyone who came up to her with concerns "purity culture nuts" and that they needed to stop infantizing minors

and of course, we cant forget about the stuff in the document not concerning the magowhore saga, like talking about kinks in front of minors or knowing minors were reading/seeing suggestive stuff and letting it happen, as well occasionally talking to minors about suggestive things directly. and her knowing that there were minors in the server, some people who she was speaking to were minors, and people in the community were uncomfortable with her behavior around minors

*yeah i know magolor is her headspace buddy or something of the sort. still not remotely okay to effectively put your legs up about the whole affair because its not Really you doing it

**i got shittalked in this server too btw (by blue-jester and one other person) because ppl assumed i was part of purrs' clique. which, rude i havent spoken to or interacted with them in like 6 months. no clue why people are so rabid about purrs all the time.

with all that said, my point here is that i do not believe it was out of line in the slightest to believe that opal would not have listened to or taken peoples concerns seriously if asked directly, considering her stubbornness and aggressiveness about the situation for so long. i considered this behavior and her unwillingness to change or do whats appropriate as guilt and maliciousness by aggressive inaction, and her aggressiveness on the topic in general led me to believe she was going to continue this behavior for as long as she could get away with it. i understand why mtthrw thought this warranted a callout and needed more eyes on it for things to change. thats not to say i dont think they shouldnt have at least tried to settle this with the involved people in private beforehand, but i think people have downplayed what opal did (or at the very least, i havent seen anyone comment on the sheer extent of her stubbornness regarding this like above) in favor of getting up in arms against mtthrw for calling opal a groomer when they arent. which again, yeah yeah i know its totally fair to get upset at them for that + the leaking minors names thing, but the thing thats baffling me here is that i keep hearing people say mtthrw wanted minors to be hurt by making that doc. i think this was a callout post made with good intentions--mtthrws openness with hearing out and taking suggestions and concerns with the doc when i initially came up to them about it said a lot--but handled rather badly and needing a lot more peer review before being posted publicly.

thats really my view on this.

also for the record, since some people think this conflict is a "we need to protect the pure teenages who cant handle hearing the word 'penis' uwu" issue, its not. im not an idiot, i know people get into all that stuff before theyre properly of age all the time. its practically a teenager rite of passage, frankly id be more surprised if they didnt get into that somehow. my issue has always, always been concerns with minors and adults engaging in suggestive talk in the same space. i literally could not give less of a shit if it were two 15 or 16 year olds talking about sex together in a server of only minors. opal is a college graduate, 21+. the minors interacting with her were 15-17. the adults in that server didnt groom them, but acceptance of that behavior leaves those minors wide-open to being okay with similar scenarios with people who don't have good intentions in the future.

i myself used to consume nsfw content as young as 15. coincidently, i was also a hardcore proshipper and impressionable kid at this time, who thought they knew what they were doing and always had all the answers. i wasnt groomed or anything, but those experiences affected me. i interacted with adults in suggestive and inappropriate ways looking back at it, just like this situation. my former experiences (and the fact that some stuff the adults in that server said, such deflecting responsibility onto minors even if theyre in the same convo as adults, and calling anyone who disagreed with them purity culture nuts, closely reflects some proshipper arguments) led me to jump the gun on believing there was malicious intent from the adults in that server. so again, im sorry and take full responsibility for being so rash in my actions. i sincerely hope all involved parties learn from this and be better in the future, including myself. i've never wanted minors to be hurt from this. to people in my own discord server, i hope that my own rules regarding suggestive talk/content, even despite my server already being 17+ on its own, show that this is a topic ive always cared about and taken seriously. i do not want people to make the same mistakes i did

as ive said before, theres a line in which minors take responsibility for consuming this content. if a kid purposely lies about their age to get access to 18+ material, that's on them. if a kid is openly engaging in suggestive and innappropiate talks with adults, even as a joke, thats on the adults.

by the way, on the point of accidently hurting minors, would anyone mind filling me in on why i keep hearing people say minors will get harassed from this? i talked to like 5 people about it and literally no one had a clue. as far as i know, the two sides on this issue are "the minors were victims and the adults were at fault" and "the minors did nothing wrong because they chose to interact with the material", neither of which warrant any grievances against the minors involved. like /gen /srs if anyone knows fill me in because i am lost on why in the world people would attack the affected party

[actualbird]

greetings once more, zak!

i just read your response to my previous ask and was delighted with the content you responded with! i felt that my question was satisfyingly answered with bonus content added! you don’t need to apologise for writing 2k words, i enjoyed every bit of it, regardless of whether or not it was something in the ask!

i will now be thinking of the crumbs of von hagen family (which are all tinged with some degree of angst fjldyskhykfdye) taking place in this wingfic au (which, in my mind, dials up the angst waaaaayy higher HAHA)

as well as emotional-feelsy scenarios of the nxx polycule (mainly with the bedrock of content and analyses you’ve written out for them) happening in this au

thank you once more and i hope you have a pleasant rest of your day!

ଘ ʕ ੭ ◕ ᴥ ◕ ʔ ੭〜⊹ :･ﾟ✧

: ⚜️

irt my overly complicated tot wingfic au

salutations, fleurdelis!! i just realized both ur asks start w "greetings" it feels so delightfully fancy hehe

im glad u enjoyed the ramble :DDD!!! i really just ajhfkjhsf Went Off, it was all churning in my brain for days and ur ask blessedly broke the dam. i support u in ur endeavor to imagine angsty happenings with the von hangups family. i mean von hagen family. i mean---same thing, really, HAHA

and OH OH!!! SPEAKING OF EMOTIONAL-FEELSY SCENARIOS OF THE NXX!!!

i forgot to mention in my last reponse that in this au, grooming somebody else's wings is a Personal thing. like, it's considered rude/strange to touch the wings of somebody youre not friends with. same way u dont get headpats from somebody sitting next to u on the bus, but for wings, it's Much More Personal.

touching, grooming, and preening are reserved for either family or those one considers close to them. theres a Trust Thing going on here, cuz the wings are a manifestation of who that person is, to some extent.

now with that in place: please imagine that the nxx team, slowly growing closer and trusting each other more and more, eventually become super okay with preening each other's wings. it starts with casual things like

marius: yyyyyyyoink artem: huh. what did y--- marius: you had a feather all sideways, it wouldve started itching if u didnt straighten it out artem: oh, thank you

and it takes artem like a full half hour to realize that he was Okay With That. which means marius has passed well within the territory of Important Loved One, Part Of The Flock

and then this happens with everybody in different iterations to the point that even vyn doesnt mind when the others pet his wings for stress relief cuz his feathers are the softest (he takes much pride in that, thank you very much)

basically, theyre all gonna end up in a group hug pile of feathers one day

[punkcherries]

not to make a mini au of my own au but . ryan stealing simon’s harpoon pack to save tuba cus he knows simons up to sum Shit,,,,,

[fictionxo]

Stray Kids Reaction - GF Squirts For The First Time (M)

Let me know how you guys feel about I.N being included. I've seen mixed feelings but he is overage. I'm open to suggestions!

~~~

Bang Chan:

Would be surprised but would be the first person to make a joke out of it to lighten the mood. The last thing he'd want is for you to feel self conscious so he'd make sure you just laugh about it. He would however be curious how to make it happen again! Secretly hehe

Lee Know:

Is such a sweetheart and would make sure it wasn't too intense for you. It would be a little surprising because each time you guys fuck, or make love, you've never squirted. Him doing something a little different caused it this time and he'd be worried that you're okay, if you need water or anything. Eventually, he'd like to try it again!

Changbin:

Would have been aggressively trying to get you to squirt! He would probably be one of the ones who would read up on ways to get girls to squirt, and watch a little something something on the topic just to figure it out! After a few times of trying he'd get it down, and he'd have you squirting an INTENSE amount. His reaction would be SOO proud.

Hyunjin:

Similar to Changbin! He wouldn't be too surprised because he would have been worked up to do so. He wouldve been trying already to get you to squirt. His heart would flutter when you finally do, but he'd quickly smirk at you, telling you: "I'm proud of you, and me. Mostly you! ...but also me"

Han:

Would probably not stop laughing about it, and bring it up whenever he could by whispering to you about it. By his luck, you'd probably squirt right in his eye (obviously not on purpose) but you'd be apologizing profusely! And he'd be dying of laughter! But I'm sure he's seen enough porn to know he's done a great job!

Felix:

Would be SO shocked! "Did you see that?!" "Did I do that?!" His jaw would be on the FLOOR. THE FLOOR I TELL YOU. "HOW'D I DO THAT?!" You'd both be there in shock, but leave it to felix to say "...can we try that again?" *smirks*

Seungmin:

Would probably be a little uncomfortable about the mess squirting would make. He'd be ecstatic that he was able to get you off to such extent! But at the same time he'd quietly complain about the sheets being messy. Before he would agree to go another round, he'd be FAST to change the sheets! Then he'd pleasure you all over again, probably overstimulating you as a "punishment"

I.N:

He'd be fairly proud! "I did that!" He would cheer himself on, and hype himself up! He'd be the first to try it again! Watching you squirt would active something in him, and the sounds mixed with it, ohh, he'd be extremely excited. "You just lay back baby, let me work my magic" youd be exhausted with him!

[amelia-pinches]

Days at Anubis

So here is the first one-shot

Majority of the ones I will write will be based off of @ron-stepupable‘s post (but also I will take requests. )

Warning: I’m not the best writer, and I haven’t written fanfiction since I was 13... so uhhhh take that as you want. 

AO3 

FF.net

based off of ron-stepupable: "Fabian having an efing backstory. Maybe some daddy issues so he can relate to the other boys (wow just realizing all the boys have daddy problems to some extent) like maybe just a distant father figure who's not really invested in his sons life. Idk but I want SOMETHING" Its set right after everyone finds out about Eddie being Sweetie's son, and Fabian tries to comfort him.

link to the post here: post/611405919847415808/things-i-wouldve-done-differently-in-hoa

Fabian stared at his roommate as he entered their shared room. Eddie was staring blankly at his computer with earbuds in his ears. He looked like he was crying heavily. There was a small frown on his lips; his hair was a dirty mess, and his eyes were bloodshot. 'He looks like hell' Fabian thought.

"Uh, mate...are you going to plug those in?" Fabian asked, breaking the silence.

Eddie, having been broken from his trance, looked up and stared at him in confusion. Fabian pointed to the end of the cord of his earbuds, which was laying on Eddie's lap.

"Oh. Uh...I, erm, don't need to... I have the music memorized, and, erm, can listen without actually listening.."

Fabian raised his brows at Eddie. Eddie sighed and bowed his head. He looked back up at Fabian, and mumbled, "Go ahead. Have your fun. Everyone else has."

Fabian chuckled and shook his head.

"I am not Jerome or Alfie. I'm not going to make fun of you for being sad...or for being 's son."

Eddie looked at Fabian in bewilderment. He just got him in such a vulnerable state, perfect for blackmail. All of his friends back home would have jumped at the chance to make fun of him. How come Fabian wasn't? Fabian offered him a weak smile. He understood what Eddie was going through as of late. .

"I'm serious. I know what it's like."

Eddie scowled, "Sure you do."

"I do," Fabian retorted, "and even if I didn't, I wouldn't make fun of you for being Sweetie's son. I have too many daddy issues of my own to make fun of someone else's."

Eddie furrowed his brows. He gave a low chuckle and tried to imagine exactly what daddy issues Fabian could have. Fabian was his father's dream kid. He was convinced that if Eric had the chance, he would trade Eddie for Fabian. Eddie rolled his eyes and whispered, "Sure, you do."

Fabian noticed the shift into the tense atmosphere. He knew that if he wanted to comfort Eddie, he would have to prove that he wasn't pitying him or playing him. Fabian shyly spoke up as he sat on his bed, "My dad hates how nerdy I am. He says it's too feminine. All he has ever wanted was a son that could kick a football without falling or getting nervous"

This caught Eddie's attention. He took out his earbuds, despite no sound coming through them at all, and looked at his roommate. Fabian was biting his cheek, hoping he didn't say the wrong thing. Eddie gave a low chuckle.

"Sounds like a dick."

"Aren't all dads? Sometimes they despise their sons because they aren't athletic enough, and sometimes they are the headmasters of prestigious British boarding schools."

"Bro…," Eddie snorted, "did you just make a joke?"

"It's been known to happen," replied Fabian in a monotone voice, "But, erm, bro...if you do need anyone to talk to, I am always here. After all, it's not like I can go anywhere."

Eddie smirked. He considered talking to Fabian; right now, he needed someone to talk to. However, could he really talk to Fabian? Would Fabian really care, or is he just saying it to be a good roommate.

"Thanks. I'll take you up on that offer after 10 and before you go on your little midnight adventure, so that way I can assure you won't leave. Just promise me you won't say 'bro' again."

Fabian rolled his eyes. Eddie was so much like Patricia in the sense they both wouldn't open up for the life of them. He turned to look at Eddie. Eddie looked less hopeless as before, but he definitely looked like he needed someone.

"The teasing will stop soon. You're cool, so most people will forget about this in a week. If not, they will be too scared of Patricia to continue."

Eddie tensed at the mention of Patricia. It was her fault he was in this position. Well, it was an accident, but she should have been more careful. Eddie mumbled in a low voice, hoping Fabian wouldn't hear.

"Patricia is the reason I'm in this situation. She'll probably egg them on."

Fabian gazed at Eddie. He felt bad for him. He knew Patricia never meant for this to happen, and she would have kept Eddie's secrets to her grave. But he also knew how it felt to be a target.

"You know…," started Fabian, "When I first came to this school, I was bullied a lot…"

Fabian sighed as he lowered his head and ran his fingers through his hair. Was he really about to tell his roommate about his traumatic early school days? He didn't think he had a choice.

"They used to call me names, and I would get pushed around a lot. Once, I was walking to the library, and these kids came up behind me. They shoved me in a locker, and I was there all night...I thought that if I tried sports, they would stop, and well, my dad would be proud of me. So that's what I did. I went to the football tryouts, and I did horribly. The bullying got worse, and my dad was pissed at me-"

"Shit, dude, I-I-I'm sorry-"

"I'm not finished...I thought I was done for, but my old roommate, Mick, found out about what was going on, and he was so angry. He couldn't believe that his teammates would be so cruel, and he couldn't believe none of the teachers did anything. To their defense, I don't think they noticed. Therefore, he wanted to take revenge in his own hands, and consequently, everyone in the school found out. I was so embarrassed, and I was terrified everyone was going to think I was a pussy or something-"

Fabian put his finger up to shut Eddie up before he could interrupt again. Eddie laughed quietly, and muttered, "Sorry, It's just weird to hear you say 'pussy'. It's weird to hear you cuss in general."

Fabian rolled his eyes, "Will you let me finish? After Mick's rampage, nobody bothered me again. Eventually, I started to make friends, and people respected me. I know how it feels when the whole school is against you. You feel like you can't trust anyone, and you feel so alone. You retreat into your head and anxiety takes over. You hate waking up in the morning, and you wish something would just save you. All you want is a shoulder to cry on, but you can't allow yourself to ask for help because you don't know their intentions… I don't want you to pity me because I was a loser. But I do want you to come to me. You obviously need someone to talk to right now…"

Fabian trailed off as he looked down. Eddie glanced over to Fabian as he digested what his roommate just told him. There was a pregnant pause between the two teenage boys. Neither knew what to say as the uncomfortable silence dragged on. Eddie spoke up in a quiet voice.

"I'm kinda glad everyone knows, ya feel? I wish it wasn't like this. But I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't have this nervous feeling of people finding out or saying the wrong thing. I guess I just wish people didn't...care as much. I like my dad as much as they do. That's why I did all those pranks against him. Well, one of the reasons, but that's not the point. I just wanted him to notice me. I wanted him to care about me. Hell, they know more about my father than I do. Sure, he is my biological father, but in no way is he my..actual father. He has been more of a father to the kids here than he has to me."

Fabian glared at the floor after Eddie's confession. "They care because it makes them feel better," comforted Fabian.

"Well yeah, who can miss the chance of fucking with the principals son?"

"No, I mean, when they pick on you, they deflect from their own issues. Look at Alfie. Last year, Alfie had to lie to his father and act like an entitled jackass just so he could get his father's approval. When he makes fun of you, he makes him feel better about his own asshole father. Everyone who goes to this school has some sort of issues with their parents. Even if their parents are straight out of a parenting textbook, they hold resentment towards them for sending them here. Nobody likes to talk about it, but we all know it."

"The UK is fucked up, man."

Fabian gave Eddie a confused look as Eddie silently laughed.

"The UK is fucked up? A-A-And America isn't?"

Eddie burst out laughing, and soon Fabian joined in. The two boys laughed loudly before dying down into a lull.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. America is pretty fucked up, but the UK is just as bad.. but you were wrong about one thing. You aren't a loser, dude. To be fair, you aren't as cool as me, but who can be as cool as me? Regardless, you are still kinda cool."

"Oi, fuck off, Eddie!"

Fabian threw his pillow at Eddie's head as Eddie was roaring. Both boys looked at each other for a moment before being interrupted by Victor's voice, "It is 10 o'clock! You have 5 minutes precisely, and then I want to hear a pin drop!"

Eddie looked over to Fabian. "Well, night. Try not to wake me up when you go off to play your midnight game of hopscotch," he said, emphasizing hopscotch with a faux English accent.

Fabian mumbled him a goodnight and laid down. His mind drifted to sibuna. He didn't know how they were going to finish these tasks, but he knew they would. They would have to; there was no choice. As he got up to leave, he looked towards Eddie, who was now sound asleep in his bed. 'Patricia has good taste," thought Fabian before he left his room and headed upstairs.

[theinterloper]

moreeeee stuff about Hearthians’ reproduction, early evolution and... ghost matter! very much not solid theories and just idea to expand the world for Hearthains

gonna try and get into multiple parts of Hearthians in order to pull it all together that makes some more sense. obviously theres a lotta fiction ideas here, playing on existing things we know about biology! i try to take some of that to compare or use as examples to any new ideas i bring in here.

also dont be confused if these conflict with the previous post, consider it “over writing” my previous post in ways, bc that post was for stuff i wrote over a week ago! initially and ultimately the asexual reproduction i wanted to describe doesnt exist in our standards of science and additionally the terms we have dont make sense for my ideas, so some things have been added and adjusted to maybe sound better lol.

Early Evolution and genetics

Hearthians when living in the water, reproduced asexually like many small aquatic creatures. we are talking waaay far back, probably up to or before the Nomai discovered them. this isnt exactly common (by our standards) for a species that evolved into mammals, but i will get more into that here. 

now, i cant describe what i want to say with terms like “vertical/horizontal gene transfer” because its a bit too strict and if anything its a whole new thing- but i imagine Hearthians, as asexual/sexual mammals, had a larger gene pool that allows them to put in and pull out genes from a previous generation that are left within their own dna. this isnt completely illogical (i think, but also its fiction so,) like, compare this in a sense to HGT where a bacteria could take in a gene from outside and pass it onto a clone of itself in order to have genetic variation..... this is just to a kind of different and larger scale.

Hearthians way back would mostly produce asexually in this way because it wouldnt require another creature and was faster. but they still had the option to mate with each other and would do so from time to time. hearthians produced a lot of offspring- but the present day Hearthians’ small numbers is due to the fact that many cross bred with other aquatic life or died off due to lack of food. sub species did not evolve into sapient life or they too went extinct over time. 

Hearthians apparently took around 281,042 years to evolve as this is the length of time that the sun station has been offline- so lets just round that up to 300k years of evolution... to be a little more clear about the games’ somewhat lenient science fiction, it look humans around 6 million years to evolve (science summarizes it takes around 1 million years for an animal to evolve to where most are today). i say this to add onto more theories/headcanons, because thats a short span of time... 

so, what if... hearthians mutated a lot more than normal? what if the ghost matter explosion caused mutations/its energy mutates the genes of Hearthians and additionally made them evolve faster? what if their genes are just fucked up a bit?? not to the extent of grotesque mutated monsters. minor things, like more gene variation or messing up their existing gene pool way more.

my ideas lean on Hearthians having been affected by the ghost matter in the middle of their evolution, when the comet exploded. this game has a lotta good timing/fate stuff with the Hearthians being left to discover the Nomai’s unfinished trail and this point gives another addition to the whole story. the Nomai were quite risky and almost too ambitious with their search and imo i feel they like wouldve failed if they truly attempted the ATP back then, so by fate they “had” to die by the Interloper/ghost matter or else You never wouldve been successful at finding the eye. in a sense and the ghost matter in some way had a hand in your species evolving in time for the end of the universe. 

Effects of Ghost Matter

its hard for me to again give real science on how the ghost matter would affect the Hearthians, bc it not real real science. but basically while Ghost Matter kills anything not in water, i imagine it killed everything due to some sort ‘radiation’ kind of energy. not nuclear radiation but, radiation of some kind that is effected by water. probably not a “real” thing in terms of stuff that exists in our world.

the initial explosion was so intense that while it didnt kill the Hearthians under water, it still effected them regardless. it ‘tainted’ the land, plants, water and their molecular structure with its radiation. and with their large gene pool, lets just say it permanently fucked up their genes a bit and that huge leap in change continues to affect them. it also supported their ability to evolve quickly. the ‘radiation’ dies down over time though, but left an effect on them.

plants. this is just an idea i formed on a whim after hearing Porphy mention that Hearthians evolved by eating “lots of bad things”. i imagine personally that plants “reacted” to the ghost matter- they did not “die” like living mammals died from the matter due to whatever energy it was, but evolved to its explosion as a “threat”. the explosion and ghost matter was detected by the plants as a threat to them/their life and they evolved into being dangerous/poisonous. so hearthians grew in a planet that had very dangerous plants but they too evolved to a hardened stomach and could withstand the many minor protective measures the plants formed.

Sex/reproduction stuff. i dont consider this “NSFW” its just sciencey talks! talking about genitals though! please dont proceed if under 16, preferably. also slightly reformed ideas on the previous headcanon post, as i have added much more to my ideas!

As hearthians evolved, they grew into land mammals and with their size, asexual reproduction was not as convenient. it wasnt about the genetics, as those were fine mostly, but the energy it takes to do so. in terms of evolution it was a poor device as they evolved into land mammals, because it barely happened and it drained the parent of their nutrients- they were not producing a lot of offspring and thi danger meant they could go extinct. at the point where hearthians were evolving to land, it was impractical for them to lay an egg more than once/twice in their life. 

asexual reproduction isnt completely gone, just that as they grew larger physically it was deemed less ideal by evolution standards to do it as much as they did when they were tiny little things in the water. mostly with their gene transferring abilities, their reproduction still has some level of variance that fluctuates in extremes depending on the gene pool the parent personally has or if other stored sperm exists. 

they were always equipped with organs for reproduction, but that were not used much within their early evolution. internally, Hearthians have “eggs” that are fertilized by “sperm” to create an embryo. Said “sperm” also is attached to an internal organ that does physically move in order to reach the egg. this organ can be seen from the entrance of the vagina during the period of self-fertilization. eventually said organ was used externally as it became more clear that hearthians needed a more reliable/less exhausting method of reproduction. 

self fertilization isnt always successful due to literal failures to fertilize physically (incorrect position, dead sperm, etc) which is why the two times in which an egg is created this way may not even create a live embryo, thus this method being ultimately unreliable for the Hearthians to thrive.

mentioned before- due to their old more common asexual ways, they experience a “cycle” for reproduction. it is typically once or twice in their life and occurs over the span of almost a year. within this period is the highest success rate for fertilization (usually mid way through). 

adding onto the gene transferring nonsense, a Hearthian’s past abilities to store old genes from their days of constant asexuality becomes relevant in their partner sexual reproduction as well. when mating with another Hearthian, the one being inserted into will store the other’s sperm/genes regardless of whether or the creation of an egg is intended, which is what their hgt/vgt-like gene transferring did many times in the past as they evolved. this does in fact allow them to store sperm of multiple donors, to mix together genes when fertilizing an egg. it is not the sperm they store, but the genes within a sample of sperm.

[lumen-tellus]

new quick info dump on what sylvia’s powers are currently -

short ver.: reality warping

slightly longer ver.: reality warping with Conditions(TM) except me being me these conditions are way too loose to count as being restrictions so its practically like unlimited op ass reality warping and no im not sorry for giving her literal universe-breaking powers i Do What I Want To Heck With The Rest

*(edit: added a note expanding on my hc for energy/power/idk) *(edit edit: ^ but Longer)

long ver.: technically, she has the power to “bring possibilities into reality”

right now, i have the idea that among my version of Heaven’s............ stuff, nonsense, whatever, they have this kinda. archival thing? place? idk point is there’s some Thing in heaven that’s recording literally everything within the universe. people and activities, all that.

however, this archive also has a (currently limited?) capability to record what Could happen - aka possibilities. but What Could Be is logically not the same as What Is, which is to say that when a choice is made the choice that plays out is What Is and the choice not taken is What Could Be but neither exists in tandem, there is Only What Is and while What Could Be ‘exists’ within the archive’s capability and capacity to record how the unchosen route plays out to an extent, it is nonetheless not a thing that Actually Actively Exists within the universe unless whatever portion of the universe in question has the right type of magic/physics to support alternate possibilities but for my own hc purposes alternate timelines and the like arent supported in the entirety of the whole gigantic multiverse of the universe, just some parts of it.

ANYWAY, point is, archive has a record of reality and possibilities, albeit the latter is limited to what could feasibly happen and these possibilities generally do not sprawl into never-ending histories of their own, tending to terminate themselves eventually. (there are exceptions, of course, but thats not important rn.)

so sylvie’s ability to “bring possibilities into reality” is a very............... literal thing - she can summon/recreate aspects of otherwise non-existent possibilities as recorded into heaven’s funky archive within the objectively and truly existing reality. her sole restrictions on this ability is that so far she can only bring objective existences into reality (aka people and things; she can’t rewrite history and its timeline of events), the energy required (which can be little or entropy-inducing if shes recreating a flower vs. an entire planet), as well as being restricted to just what’s in the archive (so anything 100% impossible is indeed 100% impossible; tho ive been thinking like. shes. part fae? maybe she can literally create the outright impossible and yknow what heaven wouldve slaughtered her on the spot if so so yknow what maybe not maybe she isnt that op nevermind-)

*note on energy requirements: i hc energy here almost kinda sortaaaa in terms of electronics aka for things to function they require a stream of electricity, and so for things to Exist they also need energy. But, there is a v distinct difference between function and existence here - for example, humans can go on just fine so long as they have their nutrition, but the energy thus gained through food isn’t what lets them keep existing, only functioning. for humans to keep Existing as humans, to keep their forms, for their cells to have their forms, for the very molecules and atoms to keep their shapes and predetermined functions of their own—to exist at all, essentially, requires energy. and for this hc, the energy required to keep something in existence can be any kind but nonetheless there needs to be a constant steady supply of it.

additionally, there needs to be a ‘will’ - a force/mind/SOMETHING(? ABSTRACT CONCEPTS ARE HARD) to literally conceptualize concepts (and thus, the idea/blueprints for an existence) to exist—tho this is assuming that the subject in question isnt............... uhh, kinda. ‘locked’ i guess, in that they can stay in existence without something/someone else to constantly ensure that the idea/concept of their existence well, uh, exists at all. (despite the phrasing the energy to exist and the will to exist are v different things - everything, with a few categories of exceptions, can exist without a secondary will conceptualizing and thinking their existences into existence. but everything does, no matter what, need a steady stream of energy to ensure that those concepts of an existence are allowed to manifest at all.)

tbh the requirements for energy and will isnt a problem for anything in the universe because, as far as most of heaven is concerned (AKA THIS IS BASED ON THEIR OWN UNDERSTANDING AND CAN BE FAULTY AKA AKA ME THROWING IN ROOM FOR WORLDBUILDING CHANGES IF I FEEL LIKE IT) it is the Highest’s will that allows things to exist, and the Highest is drawing power from higher dimensions to keep sustaining everything. with sweetie pie sylvia tho, she’s Technically summoning/recreating something completely new and outside of the Highest’s purview whenever she does her thing and whatever it/they are they cant sustain on the usual sources of existence-y energy and so sylvie kinda instinctively substitutes it with the energy in the area. or herself. depends on the au eh

ANYWAY ANYWAY ANYWAYYYYY this is really just an entire worldbuilding thingywingy just to explain how sylvia got herself an imaginary friend that became her best friend because she unintentionally summoned/recreated a dead person’s soul from one possibility into reality and like. never banished them or anything so like yeah thats. Yeah

[fredheads]

so if bunny knew to some extent about fred and fps relationship in high school, what was her stance on the whole fp vs hermione situation because im sure she wouldve had some thoughts

oh bunny andrews had some thoughts all right...

fred's bedroom had a rotating door in high school and she got that. artie always laughed and said "boys will be boys" and while bunny didn't exactly agree... it became pretty obvious pretty fast that fred wasn't changing his ways anytime soon. so this was just her life now. fred coming home from school and her never knowing who his girlfriend was that week, and bunny didn't have it in her to criticize him. he just had a lot of love to give. god knows she had her share of suitors in high school too so she wasn't about to throw stones. 

but in all that, she couldn't wait for the day fred settled down and chose someone for the long term. she had all these fantasies about it... fred coming to her for relationship advice, really getting to know this girl, picking out a wedding date for them... of course Fred never let her have that. Most of the time she was getting girlfriends names mixed up and fielding angry phone calls from the competition. 

There were too many girls to keep straight, but a definite pattern emerged. Alice Smith was constantly hanging around, but when she brought it up Fred yelled at her for assuming they were in any way an item. Ok. Bunny wasn't sure what she was supposed to think when Alice was always coming over, but she doesn't pretend to understand her boy. Then there was Hermione, who always led to Fred's most dramatic emotional breakdowns. Bunny dreaded those. And in all of it there was FP. Always getting shunted to second place. Always being ignored for a girl. Always taking it with a smile because he knew he was lucky just to be in the running. Regardless of how much or little Bunny knew about Fred and FP, it always made her heart break. Yeah, FP was a little rough around the edges, but he was a good boy. He was her good boy. He deserved to be loved first and best. 

And she saw it happen every year. The more serious Fred got with Hermione, the more frequently FP would show up at the door after Fred promised him some kind of outing and she'd have to say that Fred was already long gone. The less FP would come around after school and on weekends. The sadder the look in his eyes would be. And then Hermione would go back to Hiram for a bit, and FP would be over all the time, glowing and chatty and he and Fred would be tight again and FP would be happy. She just wanted FP to be happy...

It was a little hypocritical of her with her son being who he was, but Bunny hated to see the way Hermione went through life stringing Fred and Hiram both along. It hurt to see Fred get hurt and roll over and be a doormat about it. Bunny knew mean girls in high school who were like Hermione, and she didn't like that attitude one bit. If Fred had committed to Hermione and told her point blank that she was the only one he wanted, she would have learned to live with it. But despite all his professions that she was the love of his life, the next weekend he'd run off after someone else and he left her so much room to hope that the Hermione thing was temporary. It was so clear that Fred couldn't have both Hermione and FP. She waited and waited for him to come around to the realization that FP was the best.... tried to subtly talk FP up to him.... 

Artie would never let her tell Fred this, but Artie used to do the same thing to her and this other girl, Victoria. Eventually Artie chose the nice girl and look how well it worked out for him! FP was nice, see? FP was a nice boy. FP never (ok, rarely) made him cry hysterically into his pillow the way Hermione did. Her Fred had two eyes in his head, why couldn't he see it? (Mary came into the picture late. She was a nice girl too. Bunny liked her better than Hermione, but if you made her choose she'd tell you FP was nicer.) 

All this to say Bunny spent many a time consoling FP over a cup of hot cocoa after Fred "forgot" about him and ran off on a date. Spent a lot of time subtly trying to sway Fred's heart on FP's behalf. But you can only do so much. She was sure to make her thoughts heard, though. Every time Hermione stood him up he'd get a lecture about how this was exactly why he shouldn't treat FP badly to go out with her, because one day if FP ever wised up he'd be left with no one at all. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

its just wild idk how to say the experience of just like...it being a wholeass fixture in your life that you’re gonna off urself...i guess in earlier times (almost been aware of being suicidal for a whole decade babes) it was also that i just...like assumed that my future was gonna involve some whole disaster that was going to wreck the whole damn thing idk. like i always knew i didnt have the kinda situation where i had somebody to fall back on no matter what & i did very much know that i had the kinda situation where if it looked like the identity ppl thought i had fell through and it turned out i wasnt thriving in all of this and actually just kinda miserable and on my own, instead of having ppl who would be There For Me No Matter What i had the ppl who would want nothing to do w me except for further beat me down..........so yeah i guess ive been feeling like my future was only Doom since like 12 def...maybe earlier if you look at it idk its like wondering when i was starting being depressed fulltime. probs like age 3 idk

anyhow the point is....hard to explain what its like having the constant sense that you don’t have a future thats good & in your control & something you want, or that even exists right. like sometimes i imagine thinking abt the future in the ways that other ppl might, in the way that you assume you’ve got a good while and that there’s things you’ll get to do that you like or you’ll pursue your ambitions or whatever and its weird i think about it for like 3.3 sec and its like tf.........its like when you get some kinda Aroma Memory where your brain remembers that smell from 18.6 yrs ago & you have a 0.62second window to try to think of where its from while you have some fleeting visual/emotive memory.......sometimes i’ll just have some kinda emotional echo from a less depressed life and its like ?????? havent had this feeling in this exact way for a minute. its weird its like lol this doesnt belong to me anymore..

anyways for another solid like.....6-7 yrs its been kind of “i’ll be surprised if i make it another yr alive” with various ups & downs in that level of surprise along the way.....more like a Down lately lmao its wild how impossible it seems to make it a few more days or weeks when youre having a worse day than usual, having an on avg Worse period that lasts for months & months and etc is just....wild baby. if you havent felt it for even a day its not something you can really imagine. if u know what its like to feel like ur gonna die for a longterm period then you know what it is..

like always, maybe this is my year baby!!! in terms of death. if im thinking abt maybe this is the year i suddenly Succeed on all fronts and i never again have to think about kms, then that’ll be a struck-by-lighting, same-shuffled-card-deck-order twice in a row, sheer chance out of nowhere. your life isnt steered towards goodness because you’re good enough or Only As Much As You Can Handle or anything and ive been too deep in it this whole time to have ever been set up to not get the rug pulled out from under me several times over and yknow once you fall down even once, unless you’re really solidly backed up, the odds arent in your favor about not getting continuously run over the rest of the time. wind isn’t really at ur back there.

like im so glad abt every person ive run into who ive had in my life for more than like 5 hrs and im lucky that i was at least born recently enough to have had the internet/texting mostly regularly from 14 y.o. onward.....if i didnt im sure i wouldve been......even so much more isolated than i was. l o l . . . . ive got to feel like some ppl care abt me which is nice and didnt happen too much before then. its also good i draw lmao coz besides for the most part thats how i talk the best & how i get in touch w most of the ppl who end up sticking around enough i talk to more than like a couple of times.....but tho of course ive never like, found arbitrary success in terms of either my own solo financial boon to transcend any and all problems or ever just like bonding w a bunch of ppl like ride or die for life baby. coz like.....why would i do either. if you werent born into financial stability, let alone wealth, and if you didnt just happen to pick up these deep unshakeable relationships along the way at times when it didnt really matter.....good luck picking those things up further along the way when stuffs even shittier. i may’ve been lucky w the internet/texting timing but i wasnt lucky w the financial crisis hit or really just being born after the 80s, economy wise......or lucky w being isolated socially since age 4 and always having to feel distanced from ppl coz i could sense the difference & stigma of being someone abused & miserable before i was even really that self aware of the extent of those things about me.........oh well. coz again w the internet and me happening to draw enough prior to age 14 that i was always considered “good” at it, and then finding that i like to draw fanart for myself lol....so i could at least connect w ppl some ways right. or via text posts sometimes lmao....and im lucky that the ‘net / having a phone gave me a medium for those things & being connected to some ppl. and im lucky im gay & not cis & got to figure that out & enjoy it coz thats the best thing abt me.......

anyways even if say life was perfect for me magically i still wouldnt be able to relate to seeing yourself pursue your ambitions coz like i always say...ive never really had those lmao. wasnt able to baby.....its like there’s always that idea that ppl whose life is defined by Survival, who’ve been exposed to trauma &/or abused, that if you drop them into a safe stable situation w/friends and all and whatever then suddenly they’ll be a “regular” person, like there’s some inherent core of everyone where they Know what its like to get to live in a healthy environment w a certain perspective on other ppl & how they’ll treat you, and if you just remove someone from bs they’ll just shift over to that Default that is like oh lol yeah im like everybody else. like nah its a whole different kind of world / life you’ve not even necessarily adapted to, maybe its what you grew in. and you can adapt to a better life & grow further in that but its not a matter of like “washing away” what came before....it can be an entirely separate thing. like if you haven’t experienced it you cant imagine it. i cant give someone a real sense of what its like to grow up within & live in an abusive place for decades. and i can’t guess who i would be if i’d grown up / lived in a completely different, better situation. coz thats a whole fundamental change from the start. it’d be such a different person that it wouldn’t even make sense to call it an alternate version of “me.”

well anyways i always feel like i’m bound to kms & that bad things are impending sooner than later & when they happen i’ll get a new set of incoming bad shit to feel bearing down & etc & i dont have things i want except a cessation of living under dread & feeling like my existence is in the way & theres ppl around i gotta be on my guard for & i’m only gonna kms eventually here, theres a long lifespan & for being to off yourself at any given time, also im jealous of ppl who’ve had a nicely sized friend group where they’ve always been able to hang out w one person at least whenever they wanted to / needed to. at least i’m gay, baby. i honestly do feel like that tweet where its like i cant kill myself b/c what if im a straight guy in my next life? @ god i cant do it. like lmao for real though......in my past life maybe i was an 80s gay. syke if i have a past life it was probably a cat. maybe a cat of an 80s gay. i can only hope

[tamiddyinyourcity]

2:03pm, what the hell.

Thursday, January 2nd of 2020.

Time is a concept that I can't comprehend.

What's on my mind?:

Losing Patrick wasn't just losing a boyfriend or someone attractive to bang, it was losing a good friend. I don't have THAT many of those around here, and like, kinda sucks if the one person I'd like to be sitting in their car with at a view, or in a drive thru or sime shit, is someone I just can't really see or speak to.

Since on a day like this, I'd be going, "I should check in with Patrick", and trying to see if he'd like to drag me around the lake, or get some breakfast, or something.

And that's just not happened yet.

I shouldn't wait by the phone as if he's gonna pop up like, "Hey Tamia, let's get coffee today!", and totally ignore the "you threw sprite on me and potentially let me crying in my car" incident we had.

(Was he crying? I don't know, he looked only mildly uncomfortable. But then again, he always looks mildly uncomfortable..... And eh, I don't think a grown man would slam on his horn like that at 2am, unless he was either really enraged, or.... crying.)

I only feel bad about things when I think about how *he* feels too hard.....

But it doesn't matter how he feels. Not at this point in time, when I'm alone, and his request was specifically for me to not talk to him, and thats just obvious for me.

Going "aw i regret what happened that night :,(" doesnt change his decision, or the fact that im alone, yet again.

And it doesnt help me heal, or get over things at all.

So the alternative is easy; going "he did kinda deserve that", (the soda i mean,) and then looking elsewhere.

The thoughts will go away eventually, thats all.

.........

I guess his crying also rubbed me the wrong way.

It was:

Sweet, since, ive never seen him cry to that extent. And, i wouldnt have expected him to get this emotional about us breaking up........ Bittersweet, since crying wouldnt change anything.

Annoying, since he's crying over something that he could've resolved himself. Oh boo hoo, you're dumping me for..... idiotic ass reasons that all happened from your lack of responsibility and backbone, and yet you're crying on my shoulder snd holding me, for.... what reason? It feels off, "Hold me as i cry, right before i tell you i no longer want to date you anymore, and that i also am going to hate the idea of seeing or speaking to you anytime soon."

Maybe cute, but not in a sadistic way. Idk, it felt good hugging him, and he sounded like Scully when she's eager to be pet from the way he was whimpering.... That's a fucked up comparison, but idk, hard to explain why i find emotional vulnerability in a man that i obviously had romantic feelings for made me like them.....

......sigh.

I wondered his reasons for wanting to not see me.

The conk made him hate me? Or would seeing me just be too awkward too soon? He claimed he had absolutely no more romantic feelings for me, which could either be complete heartbreaking honesty, or a "i gotta say this, or shes gonna keep trying to fix a relationship that i dont wanna fix" type schtick.

.......god.

I still just kinda wished we did something else for his birthday; seperately. It hurts a lot differently being told the day of, when I was excited and amped up and overall feeling so good..... that oh, she doesn't want me there.

And three different people want to fight me if I show up.

And...... jesus fucking christ, he's allowing them to express their right to curse me out over his supposed "right to have me there", how amazing! Yeah, enabler.

If I was just told on Christmas Night that it was a little soon, but that I could have a breakfast with him on his birthday, or whatever...... i wonder what all wouldve happened.

.....

But, things happened this way for a reason.

Revealed that he broke his promise to me. That I wasn't valued, in the way I hoped I was. That he could see or do all this and that with me, and still was happy to get rid of the relationship.

Since, God, all the things I did for him that he could never do for me? Even asking for compliments back or a basic "you look nice today" after taking forever getting ready to see him, was like draining blood from a rock.

And there I was, going gift shopping for fucking Bernard for Megamind! The most unappreciative asshole I have ever fucking met! Who gets a gift and then spends 4 minutes going "See, i drink coffee, but i dont LIKE coffee MERCHANDISE, you see???", and COMPLAINING over a gift that i got him.... and can barely even muster out a thank you?

Then he wondered why i was so fucking upset? God, i went to cry like, three times in his bathroom. What the fuck is wrong with him?

I'll try to not think about it too hard, since if I do, then I may or may not go to his door and demand it back...... which may reflect poorly on me.

.....

This is exactly why I don't like dating people who wanna be "trained" on relationships.

You'll have to practically give a TED talk on why groaning and scoffing in disgust at a gift you don't like, is not very cash money of them to do to the girlfriend they JUST had gotten back with.

Or why it's weird to have me meet every friend that lives miles away from home, but not the closest ones, who literally live in their freaking neighborhood?

Or "Patrick, I can't think of every date we go on, it makes me think I am not liked if you cant picture doing more than shacking up in your bed."

Which I think is why I went for XPatrick the second he texted me, "Hey, im in town for a wedding, wanna get in and out tonight?", in October or whenever that was..... Since XPatrick knew me a lot better, and was more experienced with chivalry, so it was easy as hell for him to know what to do sometimes.

"Me and Patrick aren't official, and I rarely get to see XPatrick, so itll just be a platonic date! And even then, well, not much will happen right?" - me, maybe an hour before the night i got my cervix tapped by my ex

Idk, just little things.

He was still an aloof guy, XPatrick, but that's his disability, and i wont bash him for it at all. Otherwise, he was sweet. Paid for my milkshake that night, gave me his jacket when I was cold, held my food for me when we were walking to find a table....

Plus, he remembered that I tend to get sensory overload when I am around too noisy of an environment and then I either am more prone to get disoriented, or irritable, so he helped me get to his car to eat and talk, as opposed to standing in a place of shouting teens..... Thoughtfulnsss plays a huge role in having chivalry.

(I wouldnt be shocked if this was the story i probably may have wrote on this tumblr once before, that Azalea tried to send to Patrick. But newsflash, no need to worry, he was literally informed of it the very next day.)

And.... yeah.

For once, I had a night of feeling fully satisfied. No having to say, "Hey, you glare at me every time you see me, seems like you dislike my presence", not having a guy nut in six seconds before fully sliding in, having valid emotional intimacy and positive sexual stimulation.....

Yeah, i needed that.

Its obvious that when its "The guy who will scoff and say that its 'uhhh, fine?', when he's dryly hitting it from the back.... before cumming in maybe ten seconds", and "Your hot ex boyfriend, who you clearly still have strong feelings for, emotionally stimulates you, knows how to make your whole face turn hot, and can actually tap your cervix in a pleasant way..."

It was obvious.

And, just one night.

Not to say I didn't feel guilty the next day, during the graveyard watercolor (was that even a date or a hangout? i think it was a hangout, but i was anxious, since its like "why do i feel so bad about banging my ex if im not even 100% sure this is even a date?????")

And then that's when we had our cute, yet insanely awkward, turned hostile.... "hangout".

Then we stopped talking.....

Till I apologized.

And I guess all of that, despite me obviously enjoying my time with my ex, to an extent, it was still "I care about Patrick, as a friend", and I didn't have dating him in mind.

But, one thing lead to another... and we dated.

Its a shame. I miss how we were before. Just kind of awkward friends, and whatnot.

And until I somehow find a way to desire how he's currently like in my life again......

I wont miss him.

Threw too much away too late and it hurt all too bad....

2:54pm.

I liked the innocence of when we had made up and became friends again. Or our first date, even. Way before other people got involved, and when it was just as simple as, "Patrick is free today, and so am I. Let's go get him out the house today".

....I'll cherish the memories, but not as intensely. I just wanted the whole relationship to feel as good as that had been, and, now im upset because.....

He doesnt wanna see me anymore, and, theres no more hidden crushes, or days spent wandering around with him. All the good shit is gone, and whats left is angry tweets and tumblr posts.

That's so upsetting. :/ I'll never be able to talk to him for a while, man. Its never gonna be resolved. Whether its friends, dating, him seeing someone else, and maybe even me seeing someone else; i dont think we can go back to how things were before.

And that says a lot; when the optimistic one in the relationship finally just goes, "Our friendship is never gonna be the same ever again because of the way all of this shit went down".

I'll always be thinking, "He's got his friends. He doesnt need me in the way id need him."

And he wouldn't fucking think about me period.

:)

Thats all. Peace out

[isaacathom]

the inciting incident is..... so fucking flimsy (i almost wrote slimfy pls help)..... like... ok, they on the general would love to garner support for stolisian interests within prominent divinitians (requiring back alley channels and just generally sus behaviour) and they often help people leave the country so that they can come to stolisia..... and they contact Seora because she speaks up before being quieted by the guards, and her reputation. and she goes ‘all this sounds pretty cool. pls contact me further! <3′. and then they decide to just. grab her now??????? using the military????? making it an almost straight up act of war from anyone with eyes (even if seora consents, which she does, that requires a LOT of evidence which they dont really have, especially since seora destroyed the letter she was sent)

like...... w- what the fuck. theyd only recieved one letter. unless.... hhhhhHHHH

like the idea was that because of escalating divinitian tensions (as a response to Thalia going to the border, which is very provocative behaviour from a head of state) they felt they had to move quickly to secure new ‘assets’, in a sense. so perhaps if seora had been in contact for longer??? and if the reason they decided to move was because they actually met Seora (partially by accident. they certainly didnt expect her to SPEAK at the time) and realised she couldnt leave on her own. Seora could have been making hints to that extent, like if she’s on board in general but goes ‘im not sure how much i can do’ and gets the response ‘what CAN you do? <3′ and her response very noticeably excludes ‘leave the country’. esther would have mentioned the possibility of bringing her to Santonia before, as a safe haven so she could think things over, mb visit the Dusk Quarter and get a taste of Little Kysra (thats totally what its called). but its something Seora would never have addressed. so when she makes a short list of things she thinks she can do (talk to her friends, mention it to her superiors, write anonymous letters) thats telling. because it means she doesnt believe leaving the country is remotely an option! and seeing how Seora was immediately shut down by a guard (probably Roderick) birthed the epiphany that ‘oh.... fuck. she CANT leave’

so they send her a letter that only very briefly touches on her last letter before launching into a very specific question. If we were able to bring you to Stolisia, would you accept? and she hesitates, definitely, but eventually sends a reply saying Yes. and then, when the army gets the tip off that she’ll be in that church, BOOM, fucking go time, extraction time.

its still really flimsy because using military personnel rather than say, hired thugs. tho i suppose military personnel are more likely to be loyal and not blurt out. using esther is a substantial gamble, since she has a lot of foreign ties and could probably be tracked with some effort, but that requires santonia to record her as being originally Stolisian and a member of the Stolisian Military, which they likely do not (possibly as part of the deal with Stolisia to let them do some sorta shady shit. theyre cool). so its possible the trail would stop cold in Santonia and theyd assume she was from the Dusk Quarter in some way and theres no explicit ties to Stolisia. if esther were caught its likely that the rest of her group would get away, removing them from the issue. them returning to Stolisia would be sus, but at the same time, where the fuck else are a bunch of ‘rebels’ gonna hide? shits rough. so while using military personnel makes the legal situation EXTREMELY dodgy, they can also POSSIBLY avoid it by saying that the troops were on leave. esther ends up on leave regardless because she takes a demon claw to the arm and has to have a lie down, but the other 3 are also on leave. and since its just a day trip, its not like, an issue. people will have alibis. it would be manageable. they can say they took action against the soldiers. but they werent identified.

essentially esther being caught in the church (which she SORTA was, but that was deliberate) would require some trigger happy guards, which was not what occured. she wouldve yelled if it became an issue, and the nearby-parked car wouldve sped the fuck off, as per the plan. so like.... theyre cool.

so i SUPPOSE that works. they realised that in order to actually get Seora to work with them, they’d have to forcibly extract her (which they’ve likely SORT OF done in the past, but never on such a high profile target and never on a maiden), and they saw an opening, and they made the (perhaps rash) decision to act on it, inadvertently proving Divinice’s fears of the solstice true (even tho the kidnap takes place BEFORE the solstice).

shits uh. shits rough? its rough. but i think that baaaasically works. its means seora has been in contact with Esther for months, starting with a letter 90% written by some diplomat/lawyer type, but with a lot of more personal and friendly letters mixed in, because Esther is friendly. theres a brief gap where she says she’s ‘sadly busy’, likely in Santonia to do some uh, lets say negotiations. so like..... i suppose it works? and it means the letter can seem sorta ominous for a reader. like ‘if we came to take you, would you acquiesce?’ yoooo, full on, chill out. ofc its laden with esther’s typical trappings of begging her to consider her decision carefully, she can delay it if she wants, theres always time, pls dont say yes if you arent sure. if you arent sure, tell us, and we’ll just keep talking and maybe ask later or whatever happens. pls. holy shit.

esthers a sweetie honestly shes scared to death about every single person who comes through her wiggly net to enter stolisia. like.... holy Shit. pls think it through. the simple act of entering Stolisia (even completely legally, as Stolisia does not barr Divinitian passports, unlike the opposite) marks divinitian citizens as a sort of terrorist. shits rough, yknow....

i mean that probably covers it and i should probably stop lol! <3

[apsbicepstraining]

Premier League: 10 things to look out for in Boxing Day and holiday fixtures

Leicester hope to party like its 1963, Liverpool must find a way to stop Joe Allen tallying and it is eight years since Phil Browns notorious Hull City team talk

1) Leicester without Vardy aim to defendant like its 1963

Every year for more than half a century kinfolks have been hoping for a repeat of the Boxing Day fun of 1963, when the 10 top-flight fixtures caused a record tally of 66 objectives. We cant get an exact repeat of that this year because half of the teams who were in the First Division back then are now in the lower conferences( although, as it happens, Ipswich and Fulham are meeting in the Championship this Boxing Day so Mick McCarthy could point to progress if his team work better than the 10 -1 demolish that Jackie Milburns side suffered against Fulham in 63 ). But this years Boxing Day fixture roster has thrown up an identical pairing to the 63 planned, as Leicester host Everton. Back then, Everton, rather than Leicester, were the defending champions and they lost 2-0 in what turned out to be the lowest tallying accord on that record-breaking date. Both Leicesters points were scored by Ken Keyworth, who we are going to describe as the Jamie Vardy of his time if we can also stipulates that we are just necessitate he was his crews most prolific striker. Vardy, judgment you, has not been prolific this season but he did score a hat-trick in his last home coincide and would have been hoping to resume where he left off if he had not started and rushed into that undertake on Mame Biram Diouf at Stoke . His expulsion saves Evertons sluggish center apology from having to cope with his hasten, but Shinji Okazaki and Islam Slimani could pose different objections. Leicester could find their other danglings more problematic: the association did not draft adequate defensive comprise in the summer so the absences of Robert Huth and Christian Fuchs generate Everton an opportunity to recover from their Merseyside derby disappointment and retaliate the defeat of 63. PD

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2) The omen are good for Liverpool against Stoke

This is this years other recite of the 1963 Boxing Day planned, or rather it would have been if this years coincide has not been able to been pushed back to 27 December. Fifty-three years ago a 6-1 residence succes over Stoke helped Liverpool on their style to their first top-flight entitlement in more than two decades and, eventually, a splendid period of domestic preeminence. The similarities are obvious. Right? Well, makes witness what Joe Allen has to say about that. The Welshman returns to Anfield in splendid, free-scoring structure and will undoubtedly be instrumental in Stokes attempt to gain their first league acquire at Liverpool since 1959. But Glen Johnson could be even more important, and so too will Bruno Martins Indi, who has become the fulcrum of Stokes defence since to intervene in the fraternity in the summer, especially with Ryan Shawcross still apparently struggling for maximum fitness. Meanwhile, if Daniel Sturridge is capable of lasting 90 times, then he should start for Liverpool in place of Roberto Firmino, who has examined in serious need of a remainder in recent activities. PD

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Daniel Sturridge could return to the Liverpool starting lineup. Photograph: John Powell/ Liverpool FC via Getty Images

3) Arsenal and West Brom hope not to fuel old-fashioned arguments

For a while it looked like this, at last, “wouldve been” the season of goodwill towards Arsne Wenger. But then his team lost two tough away competitors in a row and lo, Arsenal love will again spend Christmas Day bickering about their manager and the direction he plays his version of monopoly. The second half of Wengers reign at Arsenal has not really about property development, there has also been some squad house, but the issues to remains as to whether the manager has laid sturdy enough mental feet. Beating West Bromwich Albion at home would not resolve that debate but it would at least give Arsenal fans the gift of momentary pause from in-fighting. Back in 1963 the squabbling was all in the West Brom camp before their Boxing Day meeting with north London adversaries: their musicians went on impres in the run-up to the game in protest against being told by their manager, Jimmy Hagan, that they were required to qualify for it in shorts despite the freakishly cold weather( it is not clear whether the freezing maladies likewise stopped naked headbutting but Hagan eventually reached an understanding with the players, who went on to draw 4-4 with Spurs ). The most recent past provisions a better arrow for West Broms see to the Emirates, of course. And judging by West Broms approaches to their large-hearted away tournaments so far this season, we can count on Pulis trying to make this a difficult match for Arsenal and a harrowing watch for everyone. PD

zil acquires owned more than you are able to imagine

4) Moyes and co could realize life difficult for Manchester United

Let us stop with the 1963 similarities now. In knowledge, let us not mention the past at all, lest we bring a tear to the eye of David Moyes. But if “were supposed to” mention the Scots previous events at Old Trafford, let us concentrate on the winnings he enjoyed there during his 11 years as Everton manager. Eh? Oh well. Tell you what, give us exactly look back to Sunderlands jubilant last coincide, a 1-0 succes over Watford motivated by Adnan Januzaj , who, alas, is ineligible for the forthcoming equal against his parent association. Poor Moyes cannot catch a terminate when Old Trafford is committed. But his occupation is to reach his own luck no matter the feeble side he is dealt, and on Monday that will entail choosing a suitable substitution for Januzaj. Hazards are Moyes will plump for John OShea. Dont laugh! The Irishman did well in a back three when Sunderland prepared life tough for Chelsea a fortnight ago and redeploying that structure seems like Moyess better hazard of inflicting squalor on Manchester United backers, again. PD

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5) Remember of Brown team talk furnish light-footed aid to stern test

It is accurately eight years since Hull satisfied Manchester City on Boxing Day 2008 and Phil Brown memorably extradited his half-time squad talk on the lurch, with his team already 4-0 down. I thought it was nice and cold and I saw I would keep the sons alive since they are searched as if they were dead, he articulated, and the novel move kind of toiled they outlined the second half 1-1, and video games pointed 5-1. City were in the bottom three at the time, while Hull were sixth; by seasons culminate City were 10 th and Hull, who prevailed only one more league recreation, scaped relegation by a extent. Manchester City, who at the time had not finished in the top four since 1978, have just been failed to do so formerly since, when they came fifth in 2010. The knee trauma preserved by Pablo Zabaleta in the win over Arsenal means that no survivors of the 2008 activity will appear in this one Vincent Kompany and Joe Hart also played that day and are still on Citys payroll but Hull may find their enterprise is no less formidable. SB

Snodgrass repudiates new Hull contract and targets January leaving Tour: I require Manchester City to be bigger than Manchester United

6) Carroll could have a whale of a time in Swansea

Swansea have been so ghoulish away no, that is not the right parole s o silly away that it is easy to forget that they have been relatively fearsome in their last-place two dwelling coincides, beating both Crystal Palace and Sunderland. So they are certainly capable of thumping West Ham. But that does not seem likely, as Slaven Bilics side have shown evidence of tightening up in recent activities and, in Andy Carroll, have a forwards who could wreak havoc against the softest central defence in the Premier League( again ). PD

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Andy Carroll readies himself for Swansea City. Image: Avril Husband/ West Ham United via Getty Images

7) When will Contes Chelsea stop winning?

With Diego Costa and NGolo Kant postponed, is the end nigh for Chelseas acquiring loped? Michy Batshuayi hopes not. Costas one-match censor holds the Belgian striker, for whom Chelsea paid 33 m in the summer, an opportunity to prove his worth. It is up to Bournemouth, meanwhile, had demonstrated that without Kants protection Chelseas defence is far more vulnerable. Bournemouth ought to have wobbly on the road so far this season but they prevailed at Stamford Bridge last-place word and Eddie Howe, and fans of a close entitle race, would welcome a repetition of that outcome this year. PD

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8) A gather of forestalling finishers at St Marys

Forget about Mauricio Pochettino: what these support team have in common is an infuriating wastefulness. Both create a lot of chances, both tend to miss the majority of members of them. Southampton established signals of improvement in their last parallel, that 3-1 winning at Bournemouth , when they made a sharpness that they had often shortfall. They will probably need to produce that again, and repeat the severity and speeding they depicted at Bournemouth, if they are to foist a third subsequent away defeat on Tottenham Hotspur. PD

Lloris signalings new contract to 2022 taking him to age 35 The changing look of White Hart Lane in envisions

Tottenham Hotspurs Son Heung-min misses an opportunity against Burnley at White Hart Lane. Photo: Ian Kington/ AFP/ Getty Images

9) Palace seek to stop away decompose at Vicarage Road

Three demolishes in their last-place four recreations have looked Watford slip from seventh to 12 th, but if the feeling of uneasily looking over their shoulders is an disagreeable originality to them, it has become regrettably familiar to a Palace side which, after losing eight of their last-place 10 tournament plays( aggregate score 14 -2 4) and sacking Alan Pardew, could drop into the bottom three for the first time since August should they lose at Vicarage Road. Last years 1-0 acquire there called during that part of Pardews tenure when Palace was most impressive away from home it was their 11 th win in 14 away competitions and although they required a second-half sanction to assure it, their supremacy was gently evident throughout. Afterwards Pardew talked happily about how his back were inherently suited to success on their wanders weve get good musicians for an away team because weve get tempo but though they have not forgotten how to sprint, more recently their running away from dwelling has sometimes been of the headless chicken smorgasbord. Discus of scampers, they return on one of two success in their last-place 19 away competitions, and three in the last calendar year. And their away fixtures are not going to get any easier: they have already saw every other member of the bottom seven( they are the only unit yet to have hosted any member of that group ). With Pardew led, the time has come for a return to triumphing aways. SB

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10) Home consolations clothing Defour as Burnley face big week

Since half-time in the televised 4-0 defeat at West Bromwich Albion last month, which he started, Burnley have played 315 hours( plus strikes) of football away from Turf Moor and Steven Defour has been on the pitch for six of them. The Belgian had nevertheless started every home competition he has been available for this season, and is likely to return to the team for the visit of Middlesbrough, the first of two crucial-looking dwelling activities for the Clarets over the holiday period, with Sunderland due on New Years Eve. Thrown that they have won 16 spots at home and precisely one away, it could be argued that Burnley only really play when on their own floor, but in Defours case it is literally true-life. There has furthermore been a statistical decline in his recitals: there used to be three assists and one bright destination in his first five figures, but none of either in his last seven. Sean Dyche has said that Defour is yet to adapt to the English game. Its a different tour through the Premier League. Its physical, its tight, he told the Lancashire Telegraph last week. Ive assured him play at Anderlecht, its a different ball game there. Its slow, its methodical, with pockets of good tempo. The Premier League is hard and fast and the stats is proof that. Its find the appropriate balance to him understanding the americans and understanding the Premier League. Word from Belgium is that the participate is becoming frustrated with life in England, but active involvement in the next weeks two critical fixtures could help induce his a happier brand-new time. SB

Barton back at Burnley and in the last-chance saloon

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[tamiddyinyourcity]

6:39pm, more optimistic.

Saturday, January 11th of 2020.

Ah, yeah. Oops. What a mess this was. Ah well, thats all done for i suppose.

Things to look forward to:

It's like meeting a new person. It'll feel weird, since I'm not used to platonic friendships between people who dont wanna bang, but it still is a good experience nonetheless to have a present company to walk the lake with or something every once and awhile.

Could have been worse.

Alright, back to as I said before....

Back then, I just played things by ear. I've noticed most of my successful *anythings* happened through the method of not giving a fuck, going in with no game plan, and just hanging out.

Hell, my relationship with Patrick #1 went well, all since I didn't give *too* heavy of a shit. It's easier, being with someone and expecting them to be short term.

A hot, clearly poly, unattached and aloof guy wants to see me for funsies? Sure, why not. Wants a second date without banging? Sure, new record for me. I stay at his house, meet his family, eat both dinner and breakfast with him the next day? Still expecting him to leave at any time. Not hiding myself in the slightest, and not expecting anything from them.

So I was completely caught off guard at genuine feelings. 😅 I got pretty good at the "stop giving a shit about a man and expect as little as possible from one at all times" schtick, to the point where I was like???? "Where the hell did this shit come from", as if i didnt spend the entire night asleep in his arms, breakfast with his mom, and then another date charming his socks off.

(Damn, now that I think about it, even our breakups never lasted. It'd go from "i think we should stop dating and just be friends" to him kissing me as I cried in a park... such a good kisser. I swear to god, nigga was great at kissing before. Even without lips, HESSSSS GOT ITTTT.)

And well, with Patrick #2, I did that, to an extent.

It was like..... Once I thought, "Just have him as an FWB", it went well!

A little TOO well.

I was good to an extent. Till it eventually became, "why wasnt he this chill when we were actually dating?", and then my chillness just became.... cold shouldery, maybe. Or, overly warm. It's noticeable when your FWB asks to kiss way too much, or cuddles much longer than expected...

Anyway.

Then aloofness eventually lead to us talking it out, and deciding to just "play things by ear". I didn't ask him to take me on a date, or anything wild. I saw that as his choice, with him being the confused one. Hearing I liked him made him intrigued, and I just decided.... "I am not gonna waste my energy fretting over if this man likes me or not, nor embarrass myself by insisting anything. His actions will say enough."

And they did. We met up a lot. Things were nice.

....

Theeeen in accordance to the pre-2nd try, we talked. Of course, I was the one to bring up the elephant in the room. And it turned pleasant. Well, other than the bo-- I won't mention that, but it was fine. :/

I don't think I expected much. I recall trying not to blush, or seem like a whore, saying, "If you wanted to keep talking.... did you wanna maybe stop by your house, and chat some more over there for a while longer?"

I was indeed DTF, BUT BITCH, I WAS TRYING TO BE VIGILANT AND WOULDVE TAKEN THE SPARE BEDROOM IN A FUCKING HEARTBEAAAAA-

And that night went well. We clicked. And well, obviously we ended up considering giving things another shot. (It was a pleasant surprise, and it felt great ngl....)

But, if anything, like.... i miss the closeness feeling.

Maybe I'm hinting at wishing there was a tinge inside of him going, "Give it a shot, you know you want to", but from what i heard earlier, thats dead as fuck.

And I'm not gonna expect love, or a relationship, to grow from hanging out.

I'll force myself not to.

......

I guess its just a matter of, "playing things by ear."

If I somehow want his company this week, and he's around, then sure.

Cool.

If not a great hangout, then its a sign I don't wish to see him platonically, or that he isnt someone I'd be open to spending much time with.

And....

I dunno. Maybe i do sound like I'm longing for a relationship. But the one I had before? Is dead, and gone.

He's someone entirely different. He's not the same person. If he's been invaded by a fuckboy body snatcher alien, then i best not get probed.

And if with this new person, I enjoy their presence, then its a good sign for a platonic standing friendship.

Hypotheticals:

What if I like him? - I'll fuck someone new ASAP. And, hes hard to like sometimes already, so with him looking and acting entirely different, its understandable.

What if he likes me? - Boo hoo, bitch, snooze you lose.

What if we.... liked eachother... haha... just kidding... unless?... - I'd probably kill myself.

Just kidding for the last response. But, I'd be probably hesitant to go back. Considering how unstable I got for the most recent ending, it would be redundant to see him again for dating purposes, unless he got all his ducks in a row, first off.... His adamant attitude about keeping the relationship eight feet under, and a history of him being either a simp or a dickhead, either constantly treating me like i wasnt worth an effort, and being naive willfully about how to improve.... Yeah, makes a girl not interested.

I see it as, "If he does eventually want to fuck, I'd have to have more offered", since what would I get out of having sex with a guy who doesn't have game, passion, or stroke?

If the answer is "food" or "money", then sure.

You can't really pull a "i didn't see our relationship worth fixing", then cry at the idea of giving me my heartfelt gifted painting of us back.... then still kinda flip me the bird, and then have the nerve to want pussy.

For at least ten million reasons, he fucked himself over. And me, my dude.

I probably wouldnt have turned down sex if he accepted, so thank fuck he said no to the idea of it. I havent been fucked since the last decade, or like, a day or two since he dumped me. One could crack a walnut with one of my kegels alone. I'm at THAT level, bro.

And since he turned it down, its like.... cool, what do you have to offer me?

......

The only way to tell if he is actually a decent presence in my life is through this, honestly. I did wonder before, "If he didn't have a car, would Patrick still be seen as a good boyfriend for me?"

Since then that would mean two buses, rainy days at a bus stop, no cool exclusive areas to hang at that a bus cant reach, and no drive thrus.

(I probably still would have tried dating him, but i would've enjoyed it less.)

And now is the ultimate test.

Can I, Tamia, stand to be around Patrick, with:

No chance of having sex!

No hanging at his house!

No hanging at night!

No rides!

An entirely different persona.

....

Sure, why not. I could always use someone to bullshit with on an idle day, i can handle that.

At the library or around the lake could be fine. Company is company.

And...

Yeah.

Just gonna see it as an, "I'll get there when I get there", sort of incident. If he shows up, and I can successfully hold conversations without spiting him or feeling like I want to fuck, then cool.

Whatever happens, happens, homes.

And i guess i mentioned the past, and how things escalated between us, since those were moments of "absolutely not, we are absolutely not dating or speaking again" had happened.....

Yet oh look, we still had.

Hell, I never expected us to get back together last time. *Ironically another incident of Patrick going, "we are never getting back together".*

But, unexpected things happen.

He had no idea what other boundaries to set between us. Mentioned sex, but he knows sex complicates things. (Hence how we started dating officially; sex addict girl that wants affection + dude whos more than happy to get plowed on a daily basis with too much time on his hands and undiscovered feelings = a relatively nice relationship.)

And yeah.

I just see it as.... who are we to guess what is gona happen?

If we hangout enough and somehow get to a point of "forget how bad the past was, i wanna get my dick wet/walls spread", then POTENTIALLY would be open to that. (But then again, i like my fwbs to do certain things, so boundaries would be set to stop a FWB from seeming uncomfortably close to becoming something significant.... hence, how we had started dating eachother before.)

And if somehow he was open to dating..... I'd probably say fuck no.

That's all.

I'd genuinely have to be REALLY impressed by someone who spited me, to willingly (and sincerely) date them again. With Zack #1, I hated his ass, but whatever, he did enough for me that I kept him around.

But if someone wanted sincere affections, itd have to be given to someone with sincere apologies... and his arent since. He regrets nothing. He'll be depressed every once and awhile, but that doesn't mean he'd bother making efforts over it.

And yeah.

Really hard to be into someone who can openly admit that they failed to see any romantic hope between us. There's no coming back from that. That's like saying you're glad you ran over someone's newborn kitten, then being shocked that oh no, you cant attend the kitty funeral?

Maybe dont kill something when you shouldn't have. :)

Anyways.

Not much else to do bow but stream The Box by Roddy Rich. Peace.