#oKAY BUT THE FACT THAT FRANKY AND LEMON GOT THE SAME

[twxins]

What does love feel like to you?

a memory

do you know what love is? you think you did, once upon a time. maybe you never did. you hold onto what you think love is; how you felt when you thought you had it. it's fleeting, and maybe you'll never feel that way again. but wasn't it great? how long will you stay here, lost in this world of fantasy and memory? when will you move on?

everything

nothing matters but this. not you. not them. this moment, this love that you've built, that is what matters. it is all that there is. you will do anything to keep it this way; no matter what line you have to cross, who you have to step over. the ends justify the means, after all; and for you, this is everything. they are everything.

tagged by: @metalheaduo

tagging: @ssatxr @twingerine @redlips-blooddrops-deux @abysmalwitch @g6dsfavorite @riiese

[fific7]

Dangerous and Divine - Part 11

Billy Russo x Reader

Summary: Billy Russo is an itch you don’t want to scratch. But he’s all over you like a rash.

A/N: This does not follow canon, it’s mainly fluff & lemon zest 🍋 The GIF is from Exposed, unreleased pilot show in case you’re wondering 😌... Billy vibes.

Warnings: 18+ NSFW due to sexual content including oral and unprotected* sex between consenting adults. Some voyeurism. Some drinking & swearing.

*Irl, please don’t go wild in the country without protection.

(My GIF)

Wanting to turn round and get the hell out of there, Madani found herself rooted to the spot. It was like car crash TV... she just couldn’t bring herself to look away. So, she stood there and just watched.

She couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, she just stared at the scene in front of her. The room door was at her back and she went along with it involuntarily as it swung closed behind her. Coming to rest against it, she drew in a long breath.

Her eyes were glued to that damn cute ass of Billy’s. Watching it... relentlessly, hypnotically moving up and down, up and down, up and down. Listened to his breathy moans and low grunts as he pounded in and out of her. Uhh, uhh, unnhhh, unnhhh. Caught glimpses of his balls between his legs, snapping backwards with each thrust. A sheen of sweat visible across his shoulders and back. Saw one hand making its way down to where their bodies were joined, his other running gently along her thigh.

Her! she thought venomously. It should be me... he should be on top of me in that bed!

But still she watched. And watched. It was really dim in the room, and she realised the curtains were almost fully closed. She found herself craning her neck forward slightly to get a better look.

She watched as he kept on thrusting, then she noticed the muscles in his ass eventually tense up. Another three or four shorter thrusts, then she heard Billy cry out. Heard him breathe her name, saw him lowering his head to rest on her shoulder for a moment before bringing it up to her face; she just knew he was kissing her now. “I love you,” Madani heard him say, and more kisses followed.

The breath she’d taken in left her lips in a long hiss. This was just so not fucking fair!

»»————————————-———-　⚜　—————————���—-————-««

You reached up off the pillows to kiss Billy’s beardy chin above you, but a sudden movement near the door caught your eye. You let out a small shriek as you saw a shadowy figure standing there and Billy leaned back immediately, looking at you anxiously. You pointed towards the door and his head shot round in that direction. A snarl appeared on his lips and he roughly grabbed the bedcovers, quickly pulling them over the two of you. He leaned up on his elbows, looking over his shoulder at the intruder.

“Madani!!!” he yelled, “You... you fuckin’.... Get the fuck outta here!!!”

You heard the door slam, and raised your face from where you’d hidden it against Billy’s chest. You hadn’t been able to make out who it was in the low light. “That was her?” you asked him, and he nodded, throwing back the covers and sitting up against the pillows, running both hands through his wayward hair. “Yeah,” he replied, “yeah, it fuckin’ was. That crazy fucking bitch.”

You also sat up, bringing the sheet across you and under one arm, “What the hell was she doing in your room, Billy?” You were glaring at him, and he quickly put his hand on your cheek, “I have no idea, angel... truly I don’t. Please don’t be thinkin’ this was some kinda hookup, cos it wasn’t! I’m gonna fuckin’ strangle her.... urrrhhhh!!” You could see that he was absolutely furious.

Reassured, you softened your gaze. He carried on, “We’re not due to meet up with her for another half hour. She musta been given a pass key and for whatever reason, came chargin’ in here.”

You ran your fingers up through his hair, sweeping it back from his forehead, “Billy, I swear I’m gonna nail Agent Madani’s ass to the wall when all this is done!”

“You and me both, sweetheart,” Billy said grimly.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Billy had got up and showered (with you) after that, then he’d unpacked his black tactical suit and got into it. While you were busy admiring how he looked in it - like, really damn sexy - after a long and passionate kiss, he’d left you in the room, telling you to doublelock the door and not to open it for anyone except him.

You’d been made to promise on the lives of everyone you held dear that you’d stay there, until he got back. He didn’t know exactly when that would be, which you had to admit pissed you off a bit but you understood he couldn’t give you a precise time and why. It’s just you didn’t like the thought of being cooped up in the room all day.

Oh well, you had the TV, the movie channels, the mini bar... and room service. Your eyes lit up. Room service!!

Eager to get ordering, you started looking for the menu in the pile of hotel stuff on the funky reclaimed wooden desk, which was underneath a huge ornate mirror. You caught sight of yourself in it as you did so. Ohh... okay, you’d better lose the “I’ve Just Been Fucked Senseless” look before the room service guy arrived, otherwise you might just give him the fright of his life.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Dinah Madani had stumbled out of Billy’s room, letting the door slam behind her. She took off along the corridor at a cracking pace, face flaming red, heading for the fire exit stairs. She smoothed down the fabric of her jacket with her hands, then ran them down onto her trousers, trying to calm her breathing as she went.

She replayed the vision of Billy’s naked body in her mind, of him having sex, blocking out the inconvenient fact that he’d been in bed with someone else.

Damn, she was aroused. She could feel how damp her panties were as she walked. How was she supposed to get the handsome big bastard out of her head now, after seeing that display? In her head, she transposed herself into that bed, underneath him. She could almost feel him inside her.

And every time she looked at him from now on? Yes - she was going to be imagining him naked. And it wouldn’t be to give herself more self-confidence in front of a bunch of people, like they taught you to do in those self-help courses.

As she started making her way down the stairs, she mentally shook herself - she’d better get her head back in the game or this could all go horribly wrong.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Billy had taken the same route down a couple of floors to the room being used as the base of operations. He was still fuming about Dinah’s little voyeuristic visit to his room. What the fuck was she thinking, coming into his room unannounced? If he hadn’t been otherwise engaged he could’ve shot her! And just how long had she been standing there, watching him make love to his girl?

Weird bitch, he thought, but I’ll settle the score with her once this is all over.

He knocked once on the door, saw an eye appear in the spyhole and then the door opened. Frank and the rest of the Anvil team were already there, along with Madani and her Homeland agents. He glared at Madani but she wouldn’t meet his eyes.

Frank winked and grinned at him, fully aware of the ‘operation’ Billy had been on prior to arriving. Wait till he told him about Madani’s latest little stunt!

They got down to business, running through the details of the op and all the ‘what if’s’ and Plan A, Plan B, Plan C scenarios once again. Everyone was given their positions, tasked with certain duties, told to make sure their earpieces were in and working. The two teams started leaving the room and dispersing to their designated locations. The undercover agent remained to get a further briefing from Billy, Frank and Madani, then he too left to go to his room where the meet would take place.

That left the three of them, plus the Homeland agents who’d be monitoring all the comms and security cameras. Billy marched right up to Madani, towering over her and glaring so furiously at her that it was a wonder she didn’t catch on fire. In a very low voice that only the three of them could hear, he bit out, “I’m sayin’ nothing right now about what happened earlier, Dinah - we need to be totally focused on this fuckin’ op - but we’re gonna be having a conversation about it at some point.”

He caught sight of Frank’s puzzled face but just gave him a small shake of the head. “Right,” he said, “c’mon Frankie, let’s go and check the perimeters.”

The two of them left, leaving Madani to pace the room and watch the CCTV screens over the shoulders of her agents. She hadn’t said a word directly to Billy or looked him in the eye during the entire briefing.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Billy strode along the corridor so quickly that Frank had to really hurry to catch him up. “Hey, Bill! What’s up with you and Madani now?” Billy shook his head, “Dunno that I should talk about it, Frankie, I’m still fuckin’ furious with her, and I really gotta concentrate on all this shit that’s goin’ down today.” They reached the stairs, Billy opening the fire door and they started down the steps.

Frank grabbed his arm and they both stopped walking. “Don’t forget I know you better’n you know yourself, Russo. If you don’t get this off ya chest, you’re gonna explode. And that ain’t what we need right now.”

Billy leaned his back against the wall and sighed, “Yeah, you’re right.” He broke eye contact with Frank, saying, “She’s got a master key for the rooms.” Frank said warily, “Yeah, I know she does... and?”

“Came crashin’ into our room, when I was... we were...” Frank’s eyes got huge, “havin’ sex. Stood there for fuck knows how long watchin’ us, till we finally noticed her after... after we finished, an’ I yelled at her to get out.”

“For fuck’s sake!” Frank said through gritted teeth, “What the fuck’s wrong with that woman?!”

Shaking his head, Billy shrugged, “I dunno, Frank. She’s got issues, that’s for sure.” He turned and started down the stairs again, “C’mon, let’s get this shitshow on the road.”

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

You’d ended up having the most pleasant day to yourself. Leisurely soak in the spa bath, several room service orders (repairs having been carried out before the waiter’s first visit), several little trips to and from the mini-bar for G&T’s. You’d finished the gin now, and had moved on to vodka & coke. Not your favourite but beggars, choosers etc.

You’d been on one of the big movie channels, and so far you were three fantasy films, two rom-coms and a heist movie into their list. In fact you’d started drifting off to sleep as you got towards the end of the heist movie, and made yourself sit up to make sure you didn’t doze off. You gazed back at the massive wall-mounted TV and tried to pick up whereabouts you were in the plot. Oh right - bank robbery.

The bad guys ran into the bank, firing shots into the air and getting everyone to lie down on the floor. But there was that one hero security guard, who drew his gun and tried to shoot the bad guy gang leader. Cue good guy getting shot, up rolls a police armed response unit, cue gun battle, various dead good and bad guys, oh and here’s the car chase as a couple of baddies got away.

Hey hang on, the gun battle’s still going on, but neither the cops or the bad guys are shooting at each other as they’re too busy doing handbrake turns and screeching round corners.

It dawned on you the gunfire you could hear was in your freaking hotel. Leaping up and zipping over to the window, you saw various black SUV’s parked randomly in the middle of the street, blue lights flashing and doors wide open, but apart from crowds of the general public running for cover, there was no-one in sight round the big cars.

You could still hear the rattle of gunfire, and then all of a sudden it went eerily quiet.

Breathing unsteadily, you had a nasty feeling in the pit of your stomach and your hand wavered towards the doorhandle. The temptation to open it was huge. ‘No!’ screeched the sensible part of your brain, ‘for just once in your life.... Do. What. You’re. Told.” Your hand went back to your side. Okay, you win, you told your brain glumly.

You walked back over and sat on the bed, ended the movie - the bad guys were probably either A) going to get away or B) get caught - so you could live without seeing the end of it. Starting to flick through the programme guide, you finally found a news channel, but they had nothing about the hotel or ‘shots fired’.

So you spent the next thirty minutes sitting on the bed for 3 minutes then getting up and pacing, then sitting on the bed again for another 3 minutes, then pacing again... hit the repeat button on that scenario until there was a big knock at the door.

You headed over to the door but didn’t put your eye to the peephole, having seen a film once where someone got shot in the eye that way. Yes, you did watch a lot of movies, what of it! So you just called out, standing to one side, so you wouldn’t get shot through the door either (yes, yes, saw that in the movies too), “Who’s that?!”

Billy’s voice said, “It’s me, sweetheart. Can you let me in? And don’t get upset but I got grazed a coupla times by bullets so I’m bleedin’ quite a bit.”

Don’t get upset? you thought, he’s gotta be joking hasn’t he? You hastily unlocked and pulled open the door, and you saw a very pale-faced Billy leaning on the doorframe, blood on his face and on one of his arms. You could see ripped fabric on the sleeve of his tactical suit where the blood was coming from.

“Oh, Billy,” you said, worried, dragging him into the room and slamming the door closed.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

@blackbirddaredevil23 @galaxyjane @omgrachwrites @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead

[feverinfeveroutfic]

chapter five | soup and numbers

It had been a week since Sam had settled into her apartment in the Bronx, and it had been a few days since she had hooked up her phone to call up Aurora. It took her a few days for her to even so much as have a straight up conversation with her given the workload Jon had left her with as part of their crew. She soon found her last name was Young, and she was a second generation American.

“My paternal grandparents came over here from North Korea,” she explained, “while my maternal grandparents are from South Korea. And then when my parents met, they went down to Southern California together. Like a pair of forbidden lovers which completely bonded the entire Korean peninsula.”

Indeed, her parents were plotting on moving out to New York City, much like how Ruben and Esmé were plotting on doing that very same thing as well. They had told her about their plan during their last round of dinner with her before they returned to Carson City for the time being.

“Everyone's moving out to New York,” Sam chuckled at the thought.

In the meantime, it was in fact the coldest winter she had dealt with since she moved away from Carson City. After spending the morning with the bunch of them, the snow had begun to fall. And it continued to fall even after the sun had gone down: the golden lights from the street lit up the steady blanket of snowflakes in a warm amber glow, so warm in fact that she snuggled under the covers. When she awoke the next morning to a near six inches of snow on the sidewalk, and Emile almost eating it after he slipped on a patch of ice downstairs, she knew she wasn't on the West Coast anymore.

She remembered what she and Charlie had talked about in the coffee house the few days before, between the snow and also with her art. She knew she would have to make her way over to the nearest art school and enlist herself within the next day or so, but to do that meant having to wade through all of that intense snow. But she wasn't on the West Coast anymore: she had to put down her head and pull through it if she wanted to go anywhere and do anything significant in this weather. Just brave it with the hope that she wouldn't freeze to death. Indeed, when she got a minute with Emile, he told her about the schools around the City and she figured it was best to take the subway down to the school in Brooklyn: she figured she would head down that way anyways to visit Aurora and the boys.

She put on her heaviest black coat, her worn down knee high boots, two pairs of socks, her black gloves, and her heavy red and white knit scarf: if there was one other thing she needed besides a new pair of boots, it was something to protect her head and her ears from the intense bitter northeast cold. Despite the cold, she managed to make her way to the subway terminal up the block from the complex and find her way back down to Brooklyn. She hoped whatever money she could pick up from attending school would help her cover the cost of taking the subway.

But Sam rode all the way down with her hand up on the rung and her other hand on her purse strap. A California girl cozying her way into New York City with her heavy black clothes and serious expression.

If there was one other thing she needed to adjust to about riding the subway, it was the fact riding such a long distance left her feeling dizzy from the steady continual sway of the train on those slick silvery rails. Indeed, when she stepped off the train onto the concrete platform, her head spun and she caught herself on the brick pillar next to her to steady herself. Passengers strode on past her but she wanted to be alone anyway.

She was greeted by a blast of warm air through the vent over her head as well as a rush of cold from the tunnel behind her. After she caught her balance, and the train had drifted away, she pressed on to the stairs and back out to the sharp New York cold.

She was about a block away from the rehearsal space, which meant after she enrolled herself and filled out the paper work, she could swing by and see if they were in that day.

Or so she thought because it was all what she wanted.

She was in the admissions office for about an hour and a half because it was a difficult school to get into and she also had to go through all of the pithy nonsense surrounding financial aid. Because she had only lived in New York for a week, she needed to scrounge around a scholarship or two to help her out.

“We'll have to see a portfolio of sorts, though,” the counselor pointed out to her before her interview was up. “And once we have it, we'll begin the admission process.”

“Most of it's packed up but I'll try and get something together as soon as possible,” she vowed.

“Sounds good! Until then, welcome aboard, Miss Shelley.”

It was almost noon by the time Sam stepped back outside to the street, lined with a thick white blanket of snow and crushed ice. The sun remained hidden behind the thick dark clouds overhead, and yet even with the darkness of the day, she was able to recognize that dark head of hair from down the block. She padded up the sidewalk and she could feel the snow getting to her feet through that worn leather making up her boots.

Dark head of hair accompanied by three rich shades of violet on her body, the crown of her head, and on her hands.

“Aurora Borealis!” she called out to her, to which Aurora turned around with a set of keys in one hand and a flabbergasted look on her face, and then she smiled at the sight of Sam.

“Hey! I wasn't expecting to see you here.”

“I was just moseying my way into the art school down the block here,” Sam told her.

“Oh, cool! I'm going on lunch break right now.”

“Is it okay if I join?”

“Oh, absolutely! You know what they say, the more the merrier.” Aurora held onto her keys and she led Sam to the corner up ahead, where her little car awaited. Two guys wrapped in heavy dark coats congregated by the rear end.

“And Charlie and Frankie!” Sam declared.

“Hey, girly-cue!” Frank greeted her.

“Girly-cue?” she chuckled.

“Like curlicue, but different.”

“She might officially become an art student here pretty soon,” Aurora announced, to which Charlie's face lit up at that.

“Oh, boy!”

“Yeah, I had an interview just a little bit ago. I have to sign up for free money and give them a sample of my work.”

“Typical,” said Frank with a shrug of his shoulders. “But necessary, though.”

“So where we going to eat lunch at?”

“There's a pho place a few blocks from here,” Charlie told her, “and if you're curious—she suggested it.”

“I might be Korean, but I do like a good dish of pho,” Aurora said with a little smirk on her face; she climbed into the driver's seat right then.

“Shotgun!” Sam called out as she darted to the smooth car door.

“Damn it!” Frank and Charlie spat in unison; she climbed in and closed the door next to her. Even with her gloves on, she rubbed her hands together. The inside of Aurora's car was warm, cozy, dry, and smelled of ginger with a faint tinge of lemons.

“Yeah, I'm not used to it, either,” Aurora confessed as she stuffed her hands into her coat pockets. Frank and Charlie climbed into the cozy back seat behind them.

“Is this your car?” Sam asked her.

“It's actually my dad's car—but he's letting me borrow it for the time being.”

“You ladies might not need a car to get around here,” Frank told her, “that's the beauty of living in New York City.”

“Yeah, you can get just about anywhere via subway or the bus,” Charlie added. “You can go all over the City, and you can go over to Philadelphia, or New Jersey, or D.C., or even over to Boston if you're willing with either of those.”

“And since you girls live where you live in the City, you can get just about anything, too,” Frank continued; Sam caught the sound of him pulling up the zipper on his jacket. Aurora fired up the car so it could warm up and let out some of that warm air through the heater vents on the dashboard.

“Have either of you tried New York pizza?” Frank asked them. “Like real authentic New York pizza?”

“Not yet, no,” Sam confessed.

“Oh, man, you girls are gonna be in for a treat when it happens,” Charlie promised them as he strapped himself in. “You're gonna love the pho here at this little place, too.”

“Made by a little old lady from Saigon!” Frank chimed in. Aurora drove them up the block to the warm lit restaurant on the street corner, where they were greeted by a strong blanket of warmth and an aromatic cocktail of ginger and cooked noodles. The four of them clustered into the cozy booth in the closest corner on the left side of the room; Sam snuggled next to Frank, who had taken his seat next to the window. He bowed his head so his lush dark hair sprawled over his shoulders, and he shivered from the sudden chill courtesy of the window next to them. Before them stood four silver spoons on folded white cloth napkins.

Sam wanted to hear that new record of theirs—she drew a blank on what it was called.

“So how's the album coming along?” she asked him in a low voice.

“Almost done!” he proclaimed. “Joey lay down the vocals for the songs the past few days.” He turned his head to Aurora on the other side of the table. “You heard him, didn't you, Aurora?”

“Oh, yeah!” she said with a raise of her eyebrows. “I couldn't believe it when I heard him. Just this big—huge voice resonating through the walls of the hallway. I actually had to stop what I was doing to pay attention to the playback in the next room.”

“You sure it was because of him or because of me?” Charlie teased her.

“You're a given,” she retorted with a chuckle. “But I heard Joey's voice and I was just enthralled by the sound of it. The way he hit those high notes and kept going higher and higher at points. He's—weirdly quick, too. Like, he changes notes at the drop of a hat. It's stunning and even kind of... I want to say hypnotic.”

Within time, they put in their orders for bowls of pho courtesy of the aforementioned little old lady from Vietnam in latex gloves: Aurora asked for a bowl of vegetarian soup, while Sam and Charlie asked for chicken in their bowls, and Frank asked for beef.

“I wonder how this goes,” Sam confessed in a low voice as the other woman in there brought them little white china cups of tea.

“It's like magic,” Frank told her with a twinkle in his eye. She turned her head to look on at the calluses on his fingers. Surely, there had to be more to this scene than previously thought. But she returned to the sight of the old Vietnamese woman with a warm thoughtful smile on her face and her salt and pepper hair tied up in a bun behind her head; she lingered behind the counter, but she stood behind a break in the wall where they could watch her lay out some beef and some chicken in separate bowls. She poured in scalding hot broth in either bowl, and it was there that Sam realized that cooked the meat. Behind her stood a couple of pots of noodles.

She poured those into the bowls as well as some chopped vegetables and, once those were done, she picked out another bowl for Aurora's vegetarian soup.

Four bowls of pho made up within a few minutes time, and the other woman in there brought each of them over to their table. Charlie thanked her as they picked up their spoons and dipped in at the same time. Sam took a bite of the chicken, which she could tell had been cooked all the way through from the hot broth. Perfect mixture of ginger fused with vegetables and another spice that she was unsure of. It was warm and delicate, perfect for a cold day like that.

“Oh my god, this is so good,” Aurora declared as she picked up a biteful of noodles, carrots, bok choi, and a pea pod.

“Told you!” Frank proclaimed.

“So, now that you have the music tracks down, what's next?” Sam asked them.

“Goes into production now,” said Charlie once he swallowed down his bite of pho. “It's gotta be mastered and mixed and polished up and whatnot. That's the part that takes a long time.”

“So because of that, we should expect it to come out some time in the fall,” Frank added as he took another large bite of beef, which, too, had been cooked to perfection courtesy of that broth.

“Just in time for me to start school!” Sam declared.

“Just in time for school to start!” Charlie's face lit up at the sound of that. He raised his cup of tea for the bunch of them to make a toast with him. Frank brought his cup closer to his, and Aurora and Sam followed suit. Their tea cups clinked together and they drank it down in unison: the tea was nice, sweet, and warm, like a gentle hug straight out of southeast Asia. Sam set down the cup of tea and then she took another bite of pho.

She nestled down in the seat next to Frank. To think she was mingling so easily there in New York City, and she believed she was going to be a complete outlier upon arriving.

They were the only ones in that little cafe the whole entire time they ate those large bowls of warm Vietnamese soup: Sam caught Charlie picking up his bowl for a lick on the bottom.

“You like the soup, Char?” Frank cracked as he set his spoon down on the napkin on the table.

“It's amazing,” Charlie quipped with a wipe of his mouth from the napkin before him.

“Satisfying, too,” Aurora added as she leaned back in her seat.

“So you gotta get back to work now,” Frank spoke out of the blue.

“I do, yeah! I have tomorrow off, though, so maybe the four of us can hang out together.”

“You just wanna find any excuse to chill with Charlie here,” Frank teased her.

“Aw,” Sam showed her a smile.

“Charlie's nice to me,” Aurora confessed with a shrug of her shoulders. He looked on at her like a prince with his eyebrows raised up into his wavy bangs and his dark eyes wide so as to resemble deep pools.

“What'chu gettin' at?” he sputtered.

“I wanna get wit' 'chu,” she retorted.

“But we're not a couple, though.”

“You guys'd make a cute couple,” Sam pointed out as she picked up her cup of tea once again for a final drink.

“Ooh, yeah, they would!” Frank joined in with a twinkle in his eye and a big grin on his face.

“You just wanna see me with an Asian chick,” Charlie spat.

“Remember the last time you hung out with an Asian chick?”

“Yeah, I almost lost my virginity that night, too—oh, wait, I wasn't supposed to mention that.” Charlie brought a hand to his mouth, but the words had already left his lips at that point. Sam burst out laughing and Frank bowed his head to keep his otherwise big jovial laugh quiet, but it was useless. Aurora gaped at him for a few seconds before she started laughing herself.

“You wanna share, Charlie?” she demanded.

“I don't think this is the best place for that, though, Aurora,” he said in a low tone. Frank covered his mouth with both hands to keep his laughter down.

“I have time, you know,” she quipped. “I don't have to clock back in for another twenty minutes.”

“Yeah, and not only that, but I'm kinda curious now,” Sam joined in, to which she folded her arms over the top of the table.

“Oh, c'mon, Sam!”

“It'll keep Frankie over here from busting a stitch,” Aurora pointed out. Charlie shot Frank a mortified glance; Frank, meanwhile, gazed on at him with his face gone as red as a cherry tomato and his hands clasped over his mouth. Every so often, his shoulders quivered with the impending laughter.

“Okay,” Charlie said. He extended his hands over the top of the table. His long lanky fingers fanned out like the feathers of a male peacock. “This was two years ago, back when I had first joined the band—like literally right when I joined the band. I got off the phone with Scott and Danny the night before and they told me to get my ass in because they were beginning work on something for the label. So I was in the space first thing the next morning with my drum kit. Frankie was still in school, but he told about this Asian girl in his class who had the hots for him. I mean, she was totally nuts about him—Frankie couldn't hardly get her off of his ass. She was a little older than him, too: Frankie was still seventeen and she was eighteen so of course he told me about her.”

“What'd you do?” asked Aurora.

“Well after rehearsal and after Scott showed me the songs they had on deck, and I had gone home to try them out for myself, I ran into her. She was about your height, Aurora—but she wasn't nearly as pretty as you, though. She asked me, 'hey, do you know Frank?' And I was like 'Frank—Bello?' And she nodded her head and I was like, 'why, what's up?' And she said, 'When's he turning eighteen?' And I said, 'Why's it matter?' And she goes, 'I wanna have a little fun with him on his birthday, so tell me when it is', and I go, 'you know, I'm his brother.'” Sam giggled at that.

“And she goes, 'oh, really?' and her face lit up at the sound of it, too,” Charlie continued, “and I nodded my head at her real slowly like this.” He nodded his head at a slow pace with a nervous smile on his face all the while.

“I dunno if you ladies ever felt the lust from someone before—but I stood before her and I could feel the attraction from her. It was just oozing out from her—it was like a pulse of sorts. I went on to say that Frankie might not even be available come the summer, too: he might be going off to college to play baseball by the time his birthday rolls around.”

Frank brought his hands to his mouth again.

“So what'd you do?” asked Sam.

“I told her, 'if you're feelin' it right now, I can do the honors for you right here.' And she goes, 'right here?' Stunned, just like that. And I nodded at her with a grin on my face. And so I took her hand and I led her to like this little nook off to the side—we were standing outside of the school when this whole thing went down, so I took her over to a nook behind the cafeteria for a little meeting of east and west, if you know what I mean.” Charlie then brought his hands to his face, to which Frank began laughing again.

“How'd it go?” Sam pressed on, that time in a lower voice. Charlie shook his head behind his hands and Frank bowed his head towards the top of the table.

“Charlie, how'd it go?” Aurora asked him as a nervous grin appeared with her. He then lifted his face from his palms so he could rub his eyes.

“Me,” he said in a low voice. “Me!” He then leaned back in his seat to point at himself. “Imagine me, this dumbass right here—this, this complete dumbass right here—taking this Asian chick who's barely legal and a year older than my underage nephew slash kid brother back to an alleyway to pop both of our cherries. She looks at me—” He closed his eyes and ran his tongue along his bottom lip. “—goes, 'what're you doing?' and I'm like, 'what you want me to do. You know.' And she goes, 'no, I don't. I think I probably should've added I wanted to throw him a party for his birthday. I wanted to get to know those close to him so I know what he likes. What'd you think I meant?'”

Frank wiped away tears from laughing so hard. Aurora and Sam glanced at one another with grins on their faces.

“It gets better, though,” he continued with a wag of his finger. “I said, 'I thought—you wanted me to teach you how to at least kiss.' And the whole entire time, I could feel my face growing about as red as Frankie's is right now. But lucky for me—really, I still feel like I got lucky with this—she had a sense of humor, though: she said, 'oh, no, I've got plenty of that under my belt, thank you, though.' And then she looks at me with her eyes squinted closed a bit, and goes, 'I do like the way your mind works, though.' And I said, 'if I'm honest, I'm a drummer. You know, the whole trope about drummers not really getting any. Sometimes one'll slip.' And she goes, 'it's weird to think that because I've always thought the rhythm section was the sexier of the band.' And I said, 'really?' And she goes, 'oh yeah. Drummers bang and bass players are like sweet chariots in that they swing low, if you know what I mean.'”

Aurora and Sam gaped at one another again, to which the latter began laughing at the whole notion.

“So what happened after that?” Aurora asked him.

“We planned a party for Frankie for his birthday in July. It was a good thing we did because we found out he had lost his scholarship.”

“Aw!” Aurora and Sam groaned in unison.

“But Danny got fired, though,” Frank pointed out.

“Yeah, Danny Lilker got fired because of Neil's nonsense,” Charlie echoed, “and I told him, 'hey, dude, you wanna be in this band with me? We'll be the sexy rhythm section together.' And he goes, 'yeah, sure, why not? It's either that or work a stupid job I'd probably hate to support myself.' And the rest is—as you know—” He brought his tea cup back to his lips. “—history. Just worked out beautifully.”

Aurora then peered down at her watch.

“Oh, shit, I gotta get back to work!” she declared. With that, the four of them pitched in for the bill and stood to their feet; Sam and Frank thanked the two women in there before they stepped back outside to the impending snow. Aurora fished her keys out of her purse once they reached the car, and they all slid back into the warm interior. No sooner had they gotten back in when they had to climb back out to the sidewalk outside of the building. Aurora ducked inside to clock back in on time; Charlie and Frank turned to Sam, who stuck her hands into her coat pockets. Frank adjusted the lapels of his jacket and brought the collar in closer to his neck.

“You wanna take a walk?” he offered her.

“You guys don't have anywhere to be?” she asked them, slightly stunned.

“Not right now, no,” Charlie confessed with a shake of his head. “As long as you don't have anywhere to be, that is.”

“Not right now, no,” Sam echoed him. “I have to go home and compile a portfolio but that won't take me very long, though.”

“True.”

“But yeah, I wanna get to know this place better, though. I want to know what I've gotten myself into here.”

“And you should know what you got yourself into with us, too,” Charlie quipped, which brought a laugh out of her.

With nothing more to add, the three of them padded down the sidewalk together, like three kids on their way to school.

“So is Joey back upstate?” she asked them as they reached the crosswalk.

“Oh, yeah—he went back up yesterday morning,” Frank told her over the noise of the street. “Poor guy slept on the hard couch in there and I guess he had a rough night all the while, too.”

“Aw, that blows,” Sam remarked.

“Yeah, I've had to do that a few times myself,” said Charlie as he took a little pair of horn rimmed sunglasses out from his coat pocket, even though the sun was still buried behind the clouds. “That couch actually isn't bad, though—I've taken naps on it, and so has Scott. Wouldn't recommend it but it's better than sleeping on the floor, though.”

“Now, I had to do that,” Frank added with a wag of his finger. “Not too long ago, actually.”

“Was it when you moved in downstairs?” she asked him; he paused for a second, and then his face lit up.

“Actually, yeah! I didn't have my bed yet and I hate sleeping on my couch so I put down the blankets on the floor as well as my pillow, and I lay down.”

“Why do you hate sleeping on your couch?”

“Cushions are scratchy,” Charlie said as they walked across the street to the opposite corner.

“Yeah, the cushions are scratchy because of the feathers and it's just not very comfortable to lay on. We found it outside of our old building and it looked pristine, like someone had just dropped it off there, and so I took it for myself.”

“It is quite the event to sit on, too,” Charlie added.

“Yeah, you don't really wanna sit on it during the summer time,” Frank pointed out; his voice trailed off and they reached the next crosswalk. Frank stood to her left while Charlie hung there on her right. Sam peered across the pavement to all the little shops which lined the sidewalks all around them. Directly across the intersection from them stood a music shop. Sam spotted a young boy in the front window there with a pale yellow acoustic guitar rested upon his lap. He had a thick head of jet black hair and slender little arms: he made her think of Joey, except he was far more pale than him and his hair was smoother in comparison.

She wondered how Joey himself was doing back at his place in the upstate part of New York. She hoped he had slept well in his bed that night before; she also thought of what Aurora had told her about him the other day. There was a part of her that wished she had seen him looking on at her there in that room just to make sure of it.

The light turned green and the three of them padded across the street; before they reached the curb, Sam took another glimpse into the shop window across the street at that boy in there. She wondered if Joey played any other instruments besides his own voice.

The pho she had eaten earlier kept her warm even in the face of the cold winds; the taste of the ginger with the hot tea lingered in the back of her mouth, although she wished for a drink of warm water. The three of them strolled on the soaking wet sidewalk; the gutter next to them had been lined with stout snow drifts courtesy of the plows. More snow was upon them: she could feel it hanging over their heads, up in those dark clouds overhead.

“So you guys know your way around Brooklyn and everything?” she asked them as they congregated underneath a stretch of awning; she turned to find it was a flower shop which had pulled in for the winter time.

“Of course, of course,” Frank replied with a shiver down his spine. “We know more about the Bronx than Brooklyn or Manhattan, though, if I'm being honest.”

“There's a subway up ahead if you guys wanna go back up to the Bronx, though,” Charlie pointed out; indeed, straight ahead stood a wrought iron fence on the sidewalk.

“Sounds decent,” said Frank as he adjusted the lapels on his jacket. “It's gonna be a bit before the train comes back, though.”

“There was that music shop back there,” she pointed to the corner behind them.

“I like her, Charlie,” Frank confessed.

“I like her, too,” Charlie agreed, “although we both got enough with us, though. But that's real sweet of you, Sam.”

“Yeah, Charlie and I made an agreement that we're gonna cherish our female fans when they come along,” Frank told her.

“Aw, that's so sweet,” she remarked.

“If we get more money from the label, we oughta get her something, Char.”

“You guys aren't making any money?” She gaped at them.

“Not at the moment, no,” Charlie confessed with a shrug of his shoulders. “We did make a little bit from a few gigs this past year, though.”

“Explains why the four of us pitched in,” Frank pointed out.

“I've got five hundred bucks in my account,” Charlie continued, “and Frankie's got a little from a grant he had applied for before he went to school. If this record is a hit, I'll be seeing that number go up.”

“I hope it is a hit, oh my god.” Sam brought a hand to her chest.

“It could be worse, though,” Frank pointed out. “We could be like those poor guys across the street.” He gestured to the triad of homeless men on the other side of the street: all three of them donned in rags and looking as though they had been out there for months on end.

“For real,” Charlie added.

“So this record is—” Sam hesitated.

“The one thing keeping us away from life on the streets,” Frank told her. The three of them stood in stunned silence; she peered up to the buildings there across the street, and she realized they were underneath a series of apartment buildings. People in there nice and warm in comparison to those poor three guys on the sidewalk.

“Wanna go back up?” Charlie suggested right then.

“Yeah, might as well,” Frank replied.

“It's cold out here,” Sam chimed in.

“Yeah, it feels like the snow's upon us, Char...”

The three of them proceeded to walk on up to the wrought iron entrance on the sidewalk up ahead. Sam shivered from the cold over their heads; she rounded the rim of the fence first and proceeded on down the stairs.

“Hey, California girl, wait up!” Frank called out to her, which brought a laugh out of Charlie. She waited for them at the one landing there on the stairs, and then the three of them continued on into the terminal. The three of them posted up at the platform in anticipation of the next subway train to take them home to the Bronx.

The terminal was cold and wet from the tunnels on either side of them; Frank and Charlie huddled closer to her to keep her warm and to keep themselves warm in turn.

“Did I give you my number?” Frank asked her.

“Nah, I thought we both figured that since we're neighbors we didn't need to,” Sam recalled.

“I think we should, though. You know—as sort of like a 'just in case' kind of thing, you know?”

“Like in case something happens to the both of us,” she followed along.

“I'll give you mine, too,” Charlie added as he took off his sunglasses and tucked them back into his coat pocket. “And I'll give you Scott, Dan, and Joey's numbers, too.”

Within time, the subway rolled up on the rail before them and the three of them boarded there near the front, where they found the whole car was loaded full with passengers. They huddled near the door, to which Sam held onto the rung over her head with her free hand. Frank and Charlie both gripped onto the metal poles.

“It kind of reminds me of a stripper's pole,” the former joked, which made the latter bow his head to hide the grin on his face. Sam giggled at him, but her laughter was cut short by the subway's darting forward. She almost lost her balance from the sudden jolt but she caught herself by the strength of her own hand on the rung. A few people behind her backed up a bit but they remained in place otherwise they could probably topple over like a bunch of dominoes.

Lucky for her, the subway was warm and dry even with the patches of water on the hard metal floor underneath them. She held onto her purse with nothing more than her fingertips. Frank lingered closer to her, away from the rest of the crowd of passengers behind them. Charlie kept his hand on the pole in front of him to steady himself.

“You alright?” Frank asked her.

“Yeah. I just—wasn't expecting that.”

“I don't think anyone was, if I'm frank.”

“You are Frank,” she retorted, which brought a laugh out of Charlie, and then it soon brought a laugh out of Frank himself.

That long ride up the spine of New York City with their arms up proved to be quite the event in and of itself. By the halfway point, Sam put her arm down and shook her hand about, but then again, most of the people on the car with them had already filed out at that stop. Charlie beckoned Frank and Sam to take a seat by the double doors. The three of them huddled next to each other like a little trio of young penguins.

At least they were warm for the remainder of the trip back to their humble homes up in the Bronx. By the time they rolled into the terminal it was mid afternoon, and the warm sensation from the pho and the tea both had worn off.

“You got anything to eat?” Frank asked her once they were back outside; small snow flurries floated down from the gray sky overcast.

“For dinner?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, yeah. Why, do you have anything?”

“For tonight and tomorrow, yeah.”

“Okay, that's good. You kinda worried me there for a second...” The three of them walked along the sidewalk back to their humble apartment complex.

Indeed, once Sam unlocked the door, she made her way over to the opposite wall in the living room and she turned on the thermostat to bring on the heat. Frank hung near the front door with his hands in his coat pockets to keep the warmth inside. Charlie took a seat on her couch and ran his fingers through his dark hair; Sam brought out a little pad of paper from the kitchen for him. He took off the pen cap with his mouth and scribbled down their numbers on the paper for her.

“How 'bout you?” she asked him.

“What about me?” he asked with his mouth full.

“You got anything for dinner?”

“Oh, yeah. Thank you, though—”

He then showed her the pad of paper, which beheld a series of phone numbers for her. Joey's number first, followed his own, Frank, Dan, Scott, and even Jon and Marsha's number.

“Oh, wow, thank you,” she said with a smile on her face. Charlie stood to his feet and flung his arms around her.

“Call me any time you need anything,” he told her.

“Me, too,” Frank joined in; Charlie let go of her so he could give her a hug himself. “Get to work on that little art thing, too.”

“Going to once you guys bounce,” she vowed.

“You don't wanna see us bounce,” Charlie assured her.

“Yeah, we don't bounce, if I'm frank,” Frank joked.

“Be frank, Frank,” Charlie added as the two of them headed on out of her apartment. Sam glanced down at the piece of paper in her hand and she sighed through her nose.

Something caught her eye. She turned her head to the left to see the black thing on the shelf next to the door. It was that journal.

That was it! That could be the start of her portfolio. Or perhaps it could be a part of the whole package.

But either way, it was as if fate had brought her to it. The question of course was what she could draw in there.

[wellhellsbelles]

Hi! i absolutely loved both the 1st chapter of to the rythm of your wild heart and the mini fanfic you wrote :) i found somewhere this prompt that was like farkle and riley are best friends and they work as teachers in the same school and their students ship them and have bets on when they are going to finally admit their feelings for eachother

omg thank you so much!! i’m having such a fun time writing all these prompts, and this one ended up being my favorite by far (especially considering the word count is uhhh 7.1k whoops lol) 

Enjoy!!! :)

ao3 link or read below

//

Even if the universe hadn't pre-ordained them getting together, their students would've forced them in that direction.

OR

The one where Farkle and Riley are teachers, best friends, and their students are maybe a little too involved in their love lives.

(i. the challenge)

“Okay, I know I’ve said it the last few years, but this will definitely be the year my photography class beats your puny little physics class,” Riley told Farkle, dropping a box full of supplies on his desk. He peered up from his computer, adjusting his glasses as he quirked a brow at his best friend.

“So that’s how we’re starting tomorrow? With a fresh cup of competition? What happened to Miss ‘I-Wanna-Take-It-Easy-This-Year’?”

“That was summer Riley. She’s different, you should know this by now, Farkle,” Riley scoffed. “And besides, that was before I was able to get funding for really cool cameras for class, photoshop for all our computers, and was given the greenlight to start photography club. Face it, Minkus, you’re toast.”

“Okay, Riley. Whatever you say,” Farkle rolled his eyes at her, stealing a sip of coffee from the mug on his desk (Riley got it for him a couple of Christmases ago and he loved it; it said, “I don’t give a flux”, and had a helpful diagram underneath that she couldn’t even begin to understand.)

“Damnit, Farkle! Stop using your stupid head games so I can feel victorious! I know you’re in this just about as much as I am, so stop feigning disinterest. I will be the best teacher this year for once! All of those physics students are going to be begging to be in my class!” Riley shouted, picking up the box off his desk and disappearing out of the room. Farkle listened to the sound of her sneakers squeaking against the hallway tile fading out in the distance, shaking his head and chuckling as he continued typing away on his computer.

//

(ii. the meeting)

Riley spotted him hiding amongst the teachers filling up the auditorium seats for their mandatory teacher orientation for the beginning of the new school year. It warmed her heart to see him sunk low in his chair, trying to appear invisible and yet clearly waiting for her if the denim jacket draped over the seat beside him was any indication.

They’d done this meeting numerous times now since they started—they’d met five years ago, both new teachers to the school and unsure about their place amongst the other staff. Riley had been nervous as hell, but as soon as she saw Farkle sequestered to one of the rows further back by himself, she realized she wasn’t alone. She took a seat beside him, introduced herself despite his desperation to remain unseen, and from then on they were glued to the hip, the best of friends. Neither of them had been apart from one another during any school function, and they didn’t intend on changing that.

He was her partner in crime, after all.

“Miss me?” Riley asked when she reached him. Farkle breathed a sigh of relief when he noticed her, picking the denim jacket up off of the seat and gesturing beside himself.

Even after all this time, he still remained nervous at the beginning of the year, still hiding himself away from the rest of the staff he knew well by now. His penchant for anxiety was a curious one, but not anything Riley chided him for. She’d done her job by helping him get acclimated to everyone else and was definitely pushing it by encouraging him to sit closer to the rest of the teachers during these meetings; she chose which battles she fought very carefully.

“You’re late by five minutes,” he said pointedly, and Riley rolled her eyes.

“So dramatic, Farkle.”

“I prefer ‘reasonably ceremonious’.”

“Whatever you say. Now, did you bring our entertainment or what?”

Farkle flashed his phone, showing off an image of a bingo sheet.

“Bingo,” he smiled cheekily, “It’s an updated version. I think I notice new quirks about Principal Carson every year.”

“As long as the bingo space is ‘Gals and Pals’, then we’re good as gold,” Riley told him.

“Oh, you know it is. I did have to replace some of the obvious Einstein quotes into their own category to make room for the comedian stool and water bottle.”

“It’s like he wants to do standup. I think we should just encourage him to do standup, it’d be a wonderful time,” she laughs.

“It’d be fantastic, but then we’d be out of a principal. He’d be too good,” Farkle said, and Riley’s laughter quickly turned to a full-out peal. Some of the teachers around sent her looks of disdain and she cut herself off, but not before allowing one last cackle to slip past her lips.

“Alright, gals and pals! Are we all ready to get started for our new school year? I know I am!” Principal Carson exclaimed, taking his place at the front of the stage. “We better get started, because as Einstein said, time is relative!”

“Wow, two in one go. This is getting to be too easy,” Riley whispered, and Farkle couldn’t help but agree.

 //

 (iii. the bet)

Riley watched with amusement as all her students gathered around one student in particular, whispering in hushed, conspicuous tones. She loved her advanced photography class because they all had been together for so long, had formed their own friendships with one another after sharing the same class. They were sort of one big family at this point, and it wouldn’t be the first time they’d done something sneaky behind Riley’s back.

It’s only the second week, Riley thought, What could they possibly be planning?

“Alright guys, break it up. Don’t you wanna learn some neat photoshop tricks?” Riley asked rhetorically, waving her hands apart to mimic separating.

The students fled to their seats, allowing her to finally see the student in question they had been crowding around. The girl, a small red-head named Penny, was busy compiling a stack of cash and then shoving it into a plastic bag, and despite knowing Penny was harmless, Riley didn’t want to leave the matter.

“Penny, whatcha got there?” Riley said, pointing to the money. Penny shrugged.

“It’s the pot. I’m the bookmaker.”

“Bookmaker?”

“Ms. Matthews, no offense, but please follow along. It’s not that hard; I’m taking bets.”

Riley narrowed her eyes at her student.

“What could you guys even be betting on? We’re in a high school,” Riley mused, bewildered. “Also I am not about to let you guys run a gambling ring under my nose. That reeks of something I can get in trouble for.”

“Relax,” Penny told her, “It’s nothing bad. We’re all just placing bets on when Mr. Minkus is going to ask you out. Or vice-versa. Actually, there’s also a bet for if it happens at the same time. I think Frankie’s the one who’s got that bet, he’s been holding down the betting pool for the AP Physics class.”

“What?!” Riley exclaimed, “What do you mean you’re betting on us getting together?”

“Ms. Matthews, you and Mr. Minkus have been toeing around one another the last few years. We just figured we’d try and capitalize on it this year. I ran a soft betting pool last year sans money, and I think it turned out really well, personally,” Penny exclaimed.

“You two are just so cute together!” Maggie crooned from behind her.

“I really thought I was gonna win it, too, but then we came back and I had lost,” Jess pouted from the back of the classroom. Riley’s head was still reeling from the fact that her students were betting on her love-life.

“What made you think you were gonna win?” she asked Jess.

“Well, Tanner had told us that Mr. Minkus had moved into your apartment building at the end of the year, so I assumed it’d take you to the end of summer to get your crap together. I was wrong, apparently,” Jess said.

“Oh my god, I cannot have my students betting on my personal life. That is just all levels of wrong,” Riley announced, running her hands down her face. “Alright, no more of this! I am not condoning this strange gambling ring you’ve got going on. And Penny, you better tell Frankie to cut it out, too! Mr. Minkus and I need our students to recognize that there’s a reason we keep our personal lives out of the classroom. We’re here to learn, so if I catch you guys talking about it in class again, I’ll have no choice but to give you detention, okay?”

That effectively cut off any further chatter on the matter, and Riley sighed, shaking her head.

 This was going to be a fun school year, no doubt about that.

 //

 (iv. the new teacher)

“The kids have a bet going on,” Riley told Farkle three weeks later. They were waiting their turn in the makeshift buffet line in the cafeteria, paper plates in their hands as they made their second trip for dessert. A potluck had been set up after school for the staff to celebrate the first month of school going off without a hitch (it was always Riley’s favorite; Lisa the Latin teacher always brought homemade lemon squares that were to die for.)

“Oh yeah?” Farkle asked.

“Apparently they’re in conjunction with your kids, as well. I had to stop a gambling circuit with actual money from forming in my classroom, but I think it’s already too late,” she groaned, stepping forward when the line moved.

“Wait, my kids, too? I know we get competitive against one another but isn’t that taking it a little too far?” he said, eyebrow raised in concern. “What could they possibly be betting on, they’re high schoolers!”

“You know, I asked the same question. Penny thought I was nuts for pestering her about it.”

“Penny Miller? Notoriously shy Penny Miller? That Penny?”

“Yeah, she’s the bookmaker. I think I made her too confident in my class, if that’s possible.”

“I think someone has an inflated ego. Narcissus, eat your heart out!” Farkle exclaimed, clenching his fist. Riley jabbed him in the side with her elbow.

“Rude! I am not egotistic. I just know my worth is all.”

“Narcissistic,” he coughed, earning him a look of disdain from her.

“You’re mean, Farkle Minkus.”

“I am what I am,” he shrugged, grabbing a piece of cake to place on his plate. “This cake looks too good to be Stacy’s. Is it possible that she honed her cake-making skills this summer, because if so, I’m here for it.”

“Pretty sure the new teacher made it,” the teacher across from him, Landon from the history department, cut in. “Stacy had to go on maternity leave at the last second.”

“New teacher?” Riley furrowed her brows.

“Yeah, Isadora Smackle, teaches calculus. She’s right over there,” he pointed ahead to a small, lanky girl with tan skin, long raven hair, and black cat-eye frames. Farkle’s mouth dropped open and Riley had to poke him to get his attention.

“Farkle?”

“What?” he answered, not really paying attention as his eyes remained on the new teacher. Riley pouted.

“I wasn’t done telling you about the bet. Don’t you want to hear about it?”

“Yeah, sure, but could you give me a moment? I’m gonna go talk to that new teacher,” he told her as he walked off towards Isadora Smackle.

Riley felt a pang of disappointment go through her, but she ignored it for the sake seeming ridiculous. He was just going to go talk to the new teacher, it wasn’t like he was going to abandon Riley at the potluck. It was their tradition to go to these things and bear them together, because as much as Riley put on a front about being comfortable around everyone, it really was only because she had Farkle there to make her feel comfortable.

Without him it was like . . . it was like she was missing a limb.

Riley stole two lemon squares (what, she was feeling sorry for herself!) and sat back down at the table the two of them had once preoccupied. She pretended not to watch them from afar, but she couldn’t help herself in the end—she’d never seen Farkle put himself out there like this; it was strange. But there he was, standing in front of Isadora Smackle with a goofy grin on his face, and despite seeming stiff still, she seemed just as charmed by Farkle.

Suddenly Riley didn’t feel like eating her lemon squares.

She waited for him to come back, too, but after a long while, she realized that was a fruitless effort. Farkle was glued to the new teacher and Riley was left deserted, so she threw out her lemon squares, found her bag, and left to go finish work in her classroom.

And if she ignored the obvious hurt snaking its way down her throat, well . . .

 So be it.

 //

 (v. the grudge)

“Alright, I’m forcing you to eat with me, effective immediately,” Farkle announced as he barged into Riley’s classroom during lunch. She had her door shut to deter any office hours while she tried to catch up on grading, something that seemed to have been slipping by her lately.

The door was not shut, however, to one Farkle Minkus—she couldn’t keep him out even if she tried.

Riley eyed him warily as he set a bag down on her desk, pulling out the contents to reveal Chinese food from their favorite Chinese place down the street.

A bribe.

“Bribe me all you want, Minkus. I’m still busy,” she tried to brush him off, but Farkle was persistent. He didn’t take no for an answer, opening all the containers of food and placing chopsticks in front of her.

“Nope, not going to happen. You’re going to have lunch with me because snuck in all this food, and I’m not going to let it go to waste because somebody is being snippy with me,” he told her, tossing a plate in the only empty spot on her desk. “I hope you appreciate me because I bought orange chicken which I know you love and you know I detest, so dig in or so help me god.”

Well, Riley really couldn’t argue with that logic.

She sighed in resignation, abandoning her position at her computer and turning to face him. She picked up the chopsticks begrudgingly and began scooping rice onto her plate, a small smile on her face.

It was hard for Riley to stay mad at Farkle; he made it impossible.

“Fine, thank you for the food I didn’t ask for, Farkle,” she told him, emphasizing his name at the end for dramatic effect. The smug grin spread across his face quicker than lightning, and she would’ve done anything at that point to wipe it off (except she wouldn’t, she couldn’t.)

“You’re welcome, Riley. Now catch me up on stuff. I haven’t seen you in a hot second.”

“Penny’s still driving me nuts, there’s that. I know she’s still running that underground betting ring and it makes me so mad that I don’t know how to stop it,” Riley huffed. “Then, of course, I have to learn how to use photoshop along with the rest of the kids because I haven’t been able to afford photoshop on my own, so not only does my class get to fail, but they get to see me fail at it, too.”

“Riley,” Farkle said softly, reaching out to grip her hand, “You’ve got this. Your kids know how amazing of a teacher you are, and they know it’s as much of a learning curve for them as it is for you. You’ll get the hang of it because you’re Riley Matthews.”

She couldn’t help the feeling of warmth that spread through her body from his touch, how being around him alone made her mind ten trillion times calmer.

“Thank you, Farkle. For everything, really,” she smiled. Farkle smiled back at her, his mouth dropping open as he made to speak, but then Isadora Smackle (Smackle, she insisted upon being referred to as) opened the door and stuck her head through. Farkle released Riley’s hand at once, his attention turning to Smackle.

“Farkle, we have math club in five minutes! Did you forget you’re supposed to be going over important theorems in preparation for next weekend’s competition?” she asked. Farkle glanced over at Riley then back at Smackle, and Riley didn’t need to be a mind reader to know his decision.

“Go ahead, Farkle. Your math club needs you,” she told him, waving him towards the door.

“Rain check?” he asked as he stood up from the chair he’d pulled up to the desk. Riley nodded.

“Sure thing.”

Farkle waved and parted with a quick goodbye, disappearing out of Riley’s door and leaving her with a desk full of partially touched Chinese food.

 Your math club needs you, she said aloud.

 But I need you more, her heart cried out softly.

 //

 (vi. the planning committee)

As per usual, once October arrived, everyone began planning for the school’s fall festival. It was Riley’s favorite event of the year, the one she looked forward to every time autumn came around. She’d loved it so much her first year of teaching at the school that when the student council needed help after deciding to expand the festival outside of the gym, she volunteered without hesitation. And, of course, where Riley went, Farkle followed.

They always asked for volunteers inside of their classes, but this year Riley was proud that she could enlist her entire photography club to help, along with Farkle’s math club. Sure, things had changed between her and Farkle since the beginning of the semester, but that didn’t mean that they weren’t going to uphold tradition to help plan and set up the festival.

“We should be set for next week,” Rebecca, the student body class president, announced towards the end of their final meeting for planning. “I contacted all the food trucks that had said yes to confirm their attendance and they’re all still on board, Chelsea called the pumpkin patch to check and make sure the pumpkins would be delivered on time, all our booths have been divided between the photography club and math club, and we have a final announcement. Wanna take it away, Ben?”

Ben, the vice president, cleared his throat and a grin grew on his face.

“We didn’t want to say anything until the last minute just to make sure it was going to actually happen, but we booked a Ferris wheel this year!” he exclaimed. Everyone applauded and Riley’s mouth dropped open in surprise.

“That’s amazing, guys! This is going to be the best fall festival yet!”

“Thanks,” Rebecca said, a bashful smile creeping at the corners of her mouth. “Now, any last questions before we break until next week?” No one said anything, everyone in agreement that they had everything on lockdown. “Awesome! Thank you guys so much, and I can’t wait for next Saturday. This is going to be the bomb!”

Everyone began packing up, excited chatter filling the room as they all talked about the anticipated fall festival. Riley picked up her own bag and walked to meet up with Farkle, knocking her shoulder into his.

“Hey,” she greeted him cheerfully.

“Hey!” he echoed back, pulling his laptop bag over his shoulder and following her as they left the room they used for committee meetings.

“So, isn’t this awesome? We’ve got so many cool booths going on this year, food trucks, and a freaking Ferris wheel.”

“I know, I can’t believe how big it’s going to be. To think it was only a small set of booths and homemade crafts when we started out.”

“I loved it then, too, but I’m so glad we’ve been able to help it branch out a bunch. I just know I can’t wait to kick your ass at the ring toss. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve been practicing all summer long,” she told him, smug. Farkle paused mid-step in the hall, a frown tugging the corners of his mouth downward.

“Uh, about that, Riley . . .”

“What?” she asked, glancing over at him. The look on his face was apologetic, and it suddenly dawned on her why.

“I asked Isadora if she wanted to go with me this year, I’m sorry,” he told her, brow furrowed.

“Oh. Okay,” Riley said, trying her best to keep her features schooled, “That’s . . . that’s fine. I’ll just help out with one of the booths this year. I’m sure Penny would love to have me help with pumpkin carving.”

“Riley, you love getting to do all this stuff at the festival. You don’t need me to have fun there.”

She shook her head.

“No, it’s really fine. I know Penny needed help with coordinating all the pumpkin stuff, so I’ll just do that. I want to see people enjoy it themselves more than anything, so this will make me just as happy,” she tried to reassure him, but her words felt flat even to her own ears.

“Riles . . .” Farkle trailed, wanting to fight her on the matter, but Riley gave him a sad sort of smile.

“I’ll be busy with work and photoshop classes, so see you at the festival?”

“Yeah, of course,” he agreed half-heartedly, and Riley waved goodbye before abandoning him in the hall to walk to her car.

 In that moment, Riley felt like she was losing everything. She didn’t want to, but her heart felt the loss all the same; Farkle was supposed to be her best friend, the one who she went to all these school events with, the person who stuck by her side no matter what. But now that Smackle was in the picture, Riley found herself abandoned at these functions more often than not. What was once enjoyable to her had hinged entirely on Farkle being there with her, and that realization left her feeling . . .

Alone.

She felt alone, and she hated it.

 //

 (vii. the festival)

Riley put on her favorite purple-striped t-shirt, overalls, black converses, and braided her hair into twin pigtails, preparing herself for the festival. She topped the look off by tying a bow around her head, looking at herself in the mirror with confidence afterward. She was determined to enjoy the festival despite the fact that she was flying solo this year, and really, she could. The festival was always her favorite and although her plans changed, she had a feeling she’d still have fun.

She’d be damned if she didn’t.

Riley grabbed her bag and left her apartment, locking the door and resisting throwing a glance at the apartment door across from her. All she needed to do was shut her brain off and not worry about anything, not bother being bent out of shape about the sudden shift in her life.

Easier said than done.

Her brain had this unparalleled habit of holding on to every worry and anxious thought that cropped up inside her mind. It was hard to just shut that off; it was all she ever knew. But she also knew that she’d never forgive herself if she didn’t at least try to enjoy the day she’d been looking forward to all year long. It didn’t behoove her to ruminate, either, so she remained optimistic, actually thrilled to help carve and decorate pumpkins. Fall was still fall, her favorite season of the year, and nothing could stop her from that.

Not even dumb boys and dumb dates.

 The festival was an array of glowing lights when she arrived, and that familiar spark of overwhelming joy coursed through her at the sight. There were already cars filling up the spaces of the parking lot despite the festival not starting for another ten minutes, and Riley couldn’t believe her eyes as she got out of the car, the Ferris wheel standing tall in all its grandiose glory. She beamed at all the hard work coming to fruition, knowing for certain that this was going to be their best festival yet.

“Ms. Matthews, I can’t believe you’re helping me out with pumpkins this year!” Penny greeted her, face already covered in wild face paint that made her look like a scarecrow.

“Yeah, I’m excited!” Riley exclaimed. “I’ve seen the way you’ve manned this booth singlehandedly the last couple of years and can’t wait to help you out.”

“Do you mind setting out some pumpkins for me, then? I still have to get the paint set up for the stations,” Penny asked.

“Sure thing!”

Riley did as she was told, setting out pumpkins of all different shapes, sizes, and colors, admiring each one as she set them down. She was glad that they used pumpkins from a local pumpkin patch and that they didn’t just stick to the standard orange ones, but the other sorts of gourds that came in a variety of colors. As soon as she finished, she noticed that people had already started filing in, kids, teenagers, and parents alike. They all wore bright grins and their eyes sparkled in wonderment at everything around them.

It made Riley’s heart feel warm to see it.

They manned their booth until all the pumpkins had been given away and decorated, happy to see everyone decorate their pumpkins in their own styles. Riley found herself caked with purple paint up the entirety of her arms, and when Penny saw it, she added a brushstroke of orange to her nose.

“To balance it out,” Penny had explained. Riley couldn’t argue with that logic.

By the time the last pumpkin had been gifted, the last few people remaining at the decorating stand, a familiar pair of people arrived.

“Hey, guys,” Farkle said, Smackle at his side. Riley’s smile at him came and went within a few seconds, from the moment she spotted him to the moment she noticed his fingers laced with Smackle’s.

“You look like you jumped in a vat of purple paint,” Smackle pointed out to Riley.

“I may as well have,” Riley found her voice.

“Too bad you two just got here, we’re out of pumpkins,” Penny told them with a shrug.

“That’s okay, we were just stopping by here to check out how everything was going before heading to the Ferris wheel,” Farkle said.

“Oh,” Riley said, her voice small.

“Well, why don’t you two go enjoy it, then? We’ll finish up here ourselves, thanks for visiting!” Penny cut in, an urgent edge to her tone as she shuffled Farkle and Smackle away from their booth. Riley sighed, crossing her arms against her chest as a dry hurt stuck itself in her throat.

“Hey, wanna get some funnel cake? It’s on me, Ms. Matthews; you look like you could use some sweet, fried food,” Penny offered, and Riley didn’t even have it in her to try and fight her on it. She just nodded her head, waiting while Penny grabbed her purse and then tugged her along towards the funnel cake truck.

Penny was right, in the end. Riley’s mood peaked again at the first taste of powdered sugar and fried dough, bursting into a fit of laughter when she noticed Penny had sugar caked all over her face after two minutes of having the confectionary. They wandered around the rest of the festival just to check things out, but Penny remained silent for the benefit of Riley, who appreciated the sentiment very much so. It floored her how caring and amazing her students were, especially Penny who had managed to land herself on Riley’s list after the bet debacle.

“You know, I am sorry about the bet thing,” Penny announced later, breaking the silence. Riley peered at her curiously, finishing her last bite of funnel cake before responding.

“Thanks. It did annoy me, but it didn’t matter to much to me until recently.”

“Do you think,” Penny began, “And don’t get mad at me, but do you think there might be another reason it bothers you?”

“What do you mean?” Riley asked. Penny’s mouth opened to respond, but her bright green eyes peered over to the Ferris wheel, widening in surprise when she saw something. Riley turned in time to see what it was exactly that Penny saw—

Farkle and Smackle were on the Ferris wheel together, and he was kissing her.

Suddenly, Penny’s question to Riley made sense, and more than that, the entire time since Smackle had entered the picture. Riley’s heart plummeted in her chest, her eyes stinging with regret.

 Riley was in love with Farkle.

 But she had realized it a day late and a dollar short, and now she had to face the repercussions and watch as he fell in love with someone else.

 //

 (viii. the breakup)

Riley’s epiphany at the fall festival was earth shattering and it hurt like hell, but that was it. Life went on after that and Riley did her best to ignore her feelings. She knew in retrospect that it had made sense, but there wasn’t much that knowing could do for her now. So she put herself into making herself better at photoshop for the kids, even signing them up for a special class at a local community college that focused on basic fundamentals of photoshop.

Her life wasn’t what it used to be, sure, but she learned to be happy with that. And she was.

Penny didn’t mention the underground betting ring again. In fact, she made it her personal goal to become Riley’s aide in class, sticking to her like Velcro. Riley didn’t know how to feel about the fact that her current best friend was twelve years younger than her but having Penny around was a welcome distraction. She was sweet and it made her happy that she had such wonderful students. Penny was also incredibly talented and actually knew a few photoshop skills that helped Riley out immensely.

Riley hardly saw Farkle anymore.

They were still friends, of course, but he rarely made the time he used to to see her, instead focusing his time on the math club and spending time with Smackle. Riley figured that she needed the space to clear her head, anyhow, because as much as he was her best friend, she depended on him for a lot.

This was . . . this was good for them.

Or that was what Riley tried to convince herself of.

She missed him more than anything, and not just because of her new-found feelings. Riley missed Farkle because he was her person, her best friend, the person she could depend on no matter what. And right now he was doing the one thing she never thought he could do.

He was letting her down.

But she ignored it, pushing her emotions deep down into a cavern in her chest and locking it shut. Riley had to focus on teaching her kids and enjoying her photography club, and idle feelings about Farkle were making themselves an obvious obstacle to that. So she allowed him to fade into the back of her mind, and things got better little by little.

Right until he threw himself back into her life.

“Do you mind if I take a seat next to you?” he asked her one day during one of their monthly staff meetings. It hurt Riley that he’d even feel the need to ask, but she understood that things were different. Not unfixable, just . . . different.

“Of course,” she told him, gesturing to the open spot beside her. His long gangly limbs settled himself into the seat, and Riley tried her best to not be charmed by him.

It didn’t work; it never really could when it came to him.

“You’re not sitting with Smackle today?” Riley inquired, curious. He shrugged half-heartedly.

“We broke up.”

Oh.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be. We all have a whirlwind romances,” he said, trying to brush it off, but Riley could tell he wasn’t unaffected by it. She relaxed herself around him, unable to tame her natural instinct to comfort him.

“Farkle, romance is romance. You care and regardless of the amount of time you spend together, it still sucks when it ends, even if it’s on your terms. You’re allowed to be affected by the world around you.”

“Can we just talk about it another time?” he asked instead. Riley gave him a soft smile.

“Of course. Wanna pull out the bingo board?”

Farkle beamed.

“Do I ever.”

 //

 (ix. the crush redux)

The thing was, Riley loved holidays. She loved the major holidays—Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Halloween—all of them were her favorites. But she also loved the lesser-known or lesser-loved holidays just as much.

She was just a holiday fanatic.

So, despite the event not having as much traction as the fall festival, Riley still maintained excitement for the winter formal. Dances weren’t quite the same for teachers; they didn’t get to enjoy that wonderful feeling of teenage angst and romance, of nerves and excitement at the prospect of getting to enjoy time with your crush. But it had an air of fun attached to it regardless, so Riley helped plan for it all the same.

This was, of course, one of the tasks Riley never asked Farkle to help with.

She volunteered her time completely of her own volition because she genuinely enjoyed planning events for the school, so anything outside of the fall festival Riley assured Farkle he didn’t need to participate if he didn’t want to. And he didn’t want to—usually.

Which was why it came as a surprise to Riley when he arrived five minutes past starting time and sat beside her in the planning committee room without a single word, just pure determination on his face.

“What are you even doing here?” Riley had whispered, only to earn a hush from Farkle.

“Shhh. We’ve gotta focus right now.”

She huffed back at him but obeyed directions all the same, her curiosity by his presence still piqued, nonetheless.

Everything had gotten better between them; they’d spent the last month getting reacquainted with their friendship, not only spending time together in school but out of school, as well. He’d insisted on taking her out to eat every Friday, and the two of them created lesson plans together every week. There was just one small hitch in their friendship that made everything just a little more complicated.

Riley knew she was in love with him now.

That was something she could hold back easily before, when she knew he was unavailable and didn’t want to make time for her. But now that he was single, he wanted to spend every second with her, and it made Riley want to tear her hair out from the frustration that was bubbling up inside her.

At least she knew she had the angst and romance ready to go for the winter dance.

“Any questions?” Rebecca asked. Riley stared blankly at her, her brain having picked up on none of what Rebecca had been saying.

“I’ll fill you in later,” Farkle whispered to her when he noticed the expression on her face. Riley hated being an open book sometimes.

“Let’s split into partners to get some ideas flowing for decorations. We’ll come back in five minutes. Alright, break!”

Riley and Farkle turned towards each other, both knowing they were going to be partners without having to ask.

“So, the theme is ‘winter’,” Farkle said cheekily. Riley stuck her tongue out at him.

“Up yours, Minkus.”

“Ms. Matthews,” he gasped, acting mock offended, “This is not appropriate conversation for the children.”

“You’re such a nerd! We need to be coming up with ideas, let’s go. We don’t wanna look like idealess losers.”

“Okay, okay, we can start brainstorming. I just have one question that you’re going to have to answer me honestly,” he said. Riley quirked her brow.

“Oh yeah?”

“Can you promise me we go to the winter formal together? I missed being able to be with you at the fall festival,” Farkle told her, and Riley felt the blood rush to her face.

This isn’t a date. He’s not asking you out on a date; you’re just friends! It’s a friend thing, and you’re going to be chaperones, Riley tried to convince herself.

“Of course I’ll go with you, Farkle. There isn’t anyone else I’d want to go with than you,” she said, groaning internally when she registered the weight of her words. It was too late to take them back, but it didn’t seem to matter because Farkle was beaming from her answer.

“I can’t wait,” he smiled, and Riley knew from that point forward that she was in too deep.

 //

 (x. the winter formal)

Riley signed up to help place all the decorations for the winter dance, so by the time she’s finished, she knows she’s gotta perform a miracle to get back on time. She has to return to her place, shower, get dressed, and apply her makeup all within the span of forty-five minutes. So she set a timer on her phone, painted a look of pure determination on her face, and took off like a rocket (while maintaining proper speed in order to avoid traffic violations.)

By some form of divine intervention, she accomplishes her goal with five minutes to spare. She zipped herself up inside her dress—an icy-blue, knee length dress with a semi-sweetheart neckline, spaghetti straps, and a shimmery, chiffon skirt—and slipped on her silver, strappy high heels, checking her makeup in the mirror one last time to make sure it was perfect. Her doorbell rang and she grabbed her crossbody purse, rushing off to answer the door.

“Hi,” she greeted Farkle happily as soon as she swung the door open. He looked very handsome in his navy-blue suit and silver tie and Riley felt her hands grow clammy.

This was starting to feel a lot like a date.

In fact, when she appeared in front of Farkle, his mouth dropped open as his eyes raked over her, and butterflies began fluttering around in her stomach at the notion of him checking her out.

“Uh, you look gorgeous,” he told her, Adam’s apple bobbing hard in his throat. He held a hand out to her, obviously trying to regain his cool (something she’s never known Farkle to have once in the entirety of her knowing him). “Ready to go?”

“Ready,” she nodded, grabbing his hand. His fingers laced with hers and she stepped out to shut and lock her door, following him down the hall and to his car afterward. They didn’t talk, but Riley didn’t mind it at all.

 They arrived at the dance ten minutes after it began (they really didn’t mean to; The Backstreet Boys started playing on the radio and they had to jam out to it!) Riley smiled at all their hard work once they made it inside the gymnasium, happy to see it balanced out by the soft glow of disco lights they had placed all around. Iridescent snowflakes dangled from the ceiling, twirling around and shimmering playfully. Everyone looked wonderful in their formal outfits, all paired with huge grins just from having fun being out and around one another.

“Looks fantastic, Riles,” Farkle told her, nudging her gently with his elbow.

“I mean, I didn’t do all of it,” she shrugged, bashful, but Farkle shook his head.

“You still helped it look amazing. Anything Riley Matthews sets her mind to always turns out incredible.”

Riley wanted to squeal from embarrassment and giddiness from the compliments he was giving her, but she remained calm, instead tugging him towards the refreshments table. She scooped a cup of punch for him and then herself, and then they both stood off to the side of the gym in their own little area partially sequestered from the rest of the teachers. They made sure to do their job being chaperones, of course (high schoolers had a real knack for getting too close too one another for her comfort), but they also enjoyed themselves. Riley appreciated getting to spend quality time with Farkle, and he always knew how to make her laugh.

Then a slow song came on, one Riley could only call an indie slow dance song, and Farkle turned toward her with a sparkle in his eye that she couldn’t forget if she tried.

“Wanna dance?” he asked, his eyes bluer than a sky on a cloudless day. Riley could hardly find the words to say yes, so she nodded and allowed him to draw her out to the dance floor amongst the rest of the teenagers. He laid his hands on her waist while she hooked her arms around his neck and they swayed together rhythmically, their eyes never leaving one another’s.

“I feel silly dancing among all these teenagers,” she laughed.

“Do you wanna stop?” he asked.

“That’s the last thing I wanna do right now, Farkle Minkus,” she told him, her words soft as they left her tongue. Somehow, they had shifted closer to one another, and Riley could the ghost of Farkle’s breath on her cheeks.

“What’s the first thing you wanna do then?”

“I wanna kiss you,” she confessed, her eyes darting down quickly to his lips and then back up to his gaze. She wasn’t sure what had made her so brave but she was certainly glad for it, relieved to get that thought off her chest finally. And then Farkle said something that surprised her more than anything.

“I wanna kiss you, too.”

“Then what are you waiting for? Get the girl, Minkus,” she whispered to him. Farkle grinned and then leaned in, hovering for a second before pressing his lips against hers.

Nothing could have prepared her for the feeling of kissing Farkle Minkus—it was like electricity coursing through her system, all of her neurons firing off in her head at once. His fingers reached up to cup her face, the warmth of his hands burning an imprint into her skin.

Finally, her heart sang.

“Oh my god!” someone screamed behind them, causing them to break apart. Riley peered over Farkle’s shoulder and saw Penny standing there, pure elation on her face.

“Oh no,” Riley groaned into Farkle’s chest, and she felt the vibrations of his chuckle against her skin.

“I can’t believe I won the bet!” Penny continued, grinning ear to ear. Riley shot her a look of surprise.

“Wait, you guessed we’d get together at the winter formal of all things?”

Penny shrugged.

“I’m a romantic at heart. I had a good feeling about it.”

“Well, congratulations, Penny, but do you mind?” Farkle said. Penny turned red, sputtering a goodbye as she left them on their own. Riley laughed at the ridiculousness of the entire situation.

“What even are our lives?”

“The best ones out there, I’d wager. If I didn’t take this job, I’d never have met you, Riley Matthews,” Farkle told her.

“And I’d never have met you, Farkle Minkus. Guess life has a funny way of making things work out in the end,” Riley said.

Farkle agreed with her by pulling her in for another kiss, and Riley couldn’t help but think she had the best life in the entire universe.

[raybansandcoffee]

Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Thirteen

You aren’t imagining this. This is a real chapter. Brand new. 10,440+ words in fact. It’s been a long process and an emotional one to write this chapter as well as the last few. I am excited to start chapter 14 which will be a MUCH lighter chapter. Happy things. Cute things. Not all of the emotions of this last section. Thank you for sticking with me while I took an extended break to take care of myself. At the beginning of November, I got sick with influenza b, bronchitis, and a sinus infection. After 3 rounds of antibiotics and 2 rounds of steroids, I am alive. I have been in the midst of a migraine from hell (today is day 16 in a row) so it’s been hard to sit at my computer for longer than a workday. But this week I did it. My word for 2020 persist. I’ve got a ‘Nevertheless, she persisted’ sticker on my planner and the full quote on the letterboard by my desk. This week I persisted and got this chapter DONE. And now I can go to sleep for the first time in 36+ hours (I didn’t sleep at all last night). I hope you enjoy this chapter.

If you need to catch up, want to refresh yourself on Chapter Eleven or read the entire story up to this point you can find it here.

**********

“You look really pretty, Mom,” Ellery said. She was sitting on the vanity in my bathroom as I curled her hair. Between myself, Frankie, Mandi, and Savannah we had four curling irons going in the bathroom to make sure Ellie, Ava, Aria, and Harlow had their hair done for today.

“Thank you, Ellie Belle.” I’d opted for a soft pink pleated maxi skirt that was very flowy thus making it very comfortable for today. It was the perfect shade to match my hair. Instead of opting for a fancy blouse I put on a white graphic tee that in black read ‘where words fail music speaks’ in a script font. It was a quote that Sam and I had painted on the wall in the lobby of our studio as it meant a lot to both of us. I knew she’d have loved that I was wearing this with a skirt and sandals today instead of being extremely dressed up. She would be even happier that I had tied a knot in it causing a slight bit of skin to be showing. I’d already done my own hair and makeup so I was completely ready. Our little beauty shop for little girls was the perfect way to relax this morning. 

“You do look good, sis. The tee was a good choice,” Frankie said. “I was convinced you would decide today was a day for cut off shorts and a vintage band shirt so I’m rather impressed that we ended up with this. Where did you get that skirt?”

“I ordered it online from a boutique. I have it in three colors. I’ll send you the link.” I finished the final curl on Ellie’s hair. Her dark brown hair was the exact same shade as Sam’s. I’d spent my fair share of time curling Sam’s hair for a night out so doing this today and curling Ellie’s hair felt like second nature, even though we’d only done this a handful of times in the last year. 

“Are all of you ladies decent in here?” Jeremy called from my bedroom. He walked in with his hands over his eyes.

“Dad!” Ava yelled as she giggled. “What are you doing?”

“Just wanted to check and make sure all of you were doing okay.” He smiled at me and I felt the butterflies in my stomach flutter. 

“We are,” Frankie answered. “We actually have all of the little ones ready.”

“You have perfect timing, we just finished,” I said as I picked Ellie up off of the counter. 

“And you all look beautiful. Grown-ups and tiny humans included.” We all started to file out of my bedroom. “You doing okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m good. Time with all of the girls this morning was helpful. Did you get Axel covered?” He’d offered to make sure that Axel was ready so that we could all have a little girl time this morning. He knew that I’d had a rough night and hadn’t slept well. Unfortunately, I’d had a nightmare, this time I didn’t wake up screaming but I did wake up in a panic. Having someone there with me to comfort me was completely different and helped me calm down and be able to go back to bed in less time than it normally takes. 

“I did. He’s all dressed and ready for today in the outfit you’d picked out for him.”

“Thank you,” I replied before leaning in to kiss him now that my bedroom was empty. “I appreciate you a lot.”

“No worries. I’m happy to help. I have a good feeling about today,” he said.

“I’m glad one of us does. I have a pit in my stomach and feel like I might puke.” He hugged me to him, kissing the top of my head as he rubbed my back. “I’m sure it’s just the way last night ended and then the nightmare. It all adds up to me feeling on edge. I hate it.”

“You’ll be okay. You’ve got me. Then tomorrow is a day of rest and relaxation by the pool with Monday being my day to spoil you.”

“I am so ready for that.” He squeezed me tightly in a hug before we filed out of my room and down to the kitchen. The house was already busy with people. Everything from the catering staff to my family and friends running around. We’d have guests arriving within a half hour for today. It would last well into the evening as it was meant to be more of an open house rather than a sit-down dinner like last night. I made my way through the crowd of people to the pantry and my coffee pot. I made myself an iced latte in there with the door shut so I had a little quiet time.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were in here,” Alex said as she opened the door and found me with my head on the counter. 

“It’s okay. I just haven’t had enough caffeine this morning so I thought I’d hide in here and make another coffee. Want one?” I asked.

“Sure,” she replied. I knew exactly how she took her coffee so as soon as mine came off of the pot I started to make hers. “You look tired.”

“I am. I had another nightmare last night. Thankfully it didn’t keep me awake as long as normal.”

“I wish you’d told me you were still having them.”

“I don’t like talking about it. Jeremy only knows because I was so tired from one a couple weeks ago that I didn’t even realize I was telling him. I just blurted it out.”

“Still, I wish you’d told me. I worry.”

“I know. It’s why I don’t really talk about it with anyone. No one needs to worry about me. It’s my life, it’s the hand I’ve been dealt. I’ll be fine.”

“How did Jeremy handle it last night?”

“Like it was nothing. I woke up panicked, thankfully not screaming, but as soon as I came out of the haze from the nightmare I started crying. He just held me until I fell back to sleep. He’s a great guy. I’m very lucky to have him in my life. He’s incredible and so kind.”

“I’m glad he was able to help.” She needed to give him a chance and put her own bullshit behind her but I was not going to make that suggestion today. I didn’t want another blow out with her, at least not today. Once her coffee was done I handed it to her and walked out of the pantry. My few moments of peace and quiet weren’t peaceful or quiet and I knew this was how the entire day would go. Maybe at some point, I’d get a chance to just breathe for a little while.

“You okay?” Jeremy asked as he snuck up beside me. 

“As okay as I’m going to be. I’m going to wish I’d put booze in this coffee in a little bit.” Jeremy laughed before he placed a soft kiss on my temple. 

“We will get through today and tomorrow and then it’s just us time.”

“I can’t even tell you how excited I am for that. Peace, quiet, and maybe a stiff drink or twelve.”

“You’ll get to drink tomorrow. I’ll make sure that you don’t have to drive.” I laughed. Before I knew it my driveway filled with cars and my house was inundated with people. It was a good thing I’d mastered the fake smile over the last year because it was getting a lot of work today. I wished I could just go hide behind a keyboard or guitar with my little brother. No one would talk to me there but this was my house, I was the host, hiding wasn’t allowed. 

There were so many people. The estimate my sister had given me was a low ball, by a long shot. I don’t know if it was that people hadn’t RSVPed or maybe had last minute decided a weekend in Tahoe sounded fun. I don’t know what it was but there were a lot of people in my house. Jeremy had stayed by my side as much as he could but the number of times I’d had to introduce him to people was growing and I knew he needed a break so I told him to go play with the girls, which was where both of us would’ve much rather been. I went over to the bar, where my sister was standing.

“Need a drink?” she asked. I nodded.

“Desperately.” I turned to look at the bartender and ordered a drink. We’d had a lemon, lime punch with sweet sparkling white wine and vodka made in larger batches. It was a concoction that Sam had come up with when we were on vacation in Italy after our freshman year of college. She’d made it the signature cocktail of every birthday party, bridal shower, or basically any party since then. It wasn’t my normal speed but today it would have to do. We’d tamed down the alcohol content in it by leaving out the limoncello Sam usually added. We weren’t looking to have guests hammered but it wouldn’t have been a Sam party without it. Once I had my drink my sister and I walked away from the bar.

“I’m really sorry about how many people are here. I didn’t think there would be this many people here.”

“It’s not your fault. You were trying to help with this and wanted to make sure that anyone who wanted to be included was included. I appreciate you for this. It’s just a lot.” I glanced at the back deck of my house at the moment that he walked out the door. Dark jeans, tight white shirt with a blazer over it, looking almost exactly like he did the first time I laid eyes on him. “You invited him?” I asked as I turned to look at my sister, the panic of the approaching moment setting in.

“I swear I didn’t. Are you okay?”

“I have no fucking clue.” I took a gulp of my drink and a deep breath as he approached us.

“Charlie, Frankie, lovely to see you both,” he said as he hugged us both and kissed each of us on the cheek.

“Same to you,” Frankie replied. “I need to go check with the caterers on something. I’ll let you two catch up.” And with that my sister disappeared from the awkward moment leaving me alone.

“Hi,” I said softly. “I didn’t realize you were coming.”

“Did you not get my RSVP?”

“No, I didn’t manage the guest list. Look around. Do you think I had anything to do with this?” He laughed as I acted like Vanna White.

“You had nothing to do with this at all. I should’ve known.”

“Yeah, my idea was the dinner we had last night. This was all Frankie and Alex, the only part of the decision I made was that it was here instead of LA so that I didn’t have to travel with the kids this weekend.”

“The house looks beautiful. You’ve made some changes to make it more you.”

“Only small ones, though if my step-mom gets her way she’s coming back later this summer and redoing the entire thing. Everyone thinks that because it’s been a year I need to overhaul it, make it my house instead of theirs. I don’t know.”

“You’ll figure it out. You’re one of the most decisive women I’ve ever met. I am sorry that I didn’t call to tell you I was coming. I guess I mistakenly thought it was you sending me the invitation and that you knew I’d be here. It was wrong of me not to make sure my presence was okay.”

“Your presence is fine, welcome in fact. You were one of Michael’s best friends. It would be unfair of me to say that you couldn’t be here.”

“Still. It’s been almost a year. I should’ve called.” I looked into his blue eyes and saw sympathy and compassion.

“You’re fine, Patrick. I promise. It’s been almost a year. It’s in the past. We don’t need to rehash all of that. You deserve to be here as much as I do.” He didn’t, but he had become one of Michael’s close friends because of how long we’d been together. “How have you been?”

“Good. Almost done with my next novel and working on a pilot based on the series I’m writing. Netflix is interested in picking it up.”

“That’s awesome. They are great to work with. I just finished up the score for an original show and sent it off this week.”

“Congratulations. I’m happy to see you haven’t stopped composing.”

“It’s harder now than it used to be. Though this one I had some help.”

“Really?” Patrick asked. I’d only ever composed with Sam and he knew I had a very particular way of writing so finding someone to write with would be hard.

“Yes, Tony moved in with me earlier this summer and has been writing with me. Go figure, the kid gets himself through college to live in my guest house and write music with me like we did when he was in high school.”

“That’s great. He sounds great today.” He nodded towards where Tony was standing and playing guitar. I saw the look in my brother’s eyes as they locked with mine. He was worried. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Patrick in nearly a year. Despite our relationship ending for completely understandable reasons, it had been far from easy on me. I lost my life partner and my soulmate in the span of a few weeks. The man I was planning to spend the rest of my life with and the person who meant more to me than anyone else in the world. The two people who knew all of my secrets. Both of them gone, even though one was still here. I’d tried at first to text him, call him, email but it was too hard. My whole life became the kids and just trying to survive, he was moving on.

“He sounds great every day. It’s frustrating.” I laughed before taking another drink. That was when I locked eyes with Jeremy and smiled the big smile that he always elicited from me. He was dancing with both of the girls in their tutus and flower crowns.

“You’re smiling your special smile,” Patrick said. I turned to look at him.

“What special smile?”

“You have this smile. I’d see it when you were with your family, around Sam, and occasionally it would be directed towards me if I did something spectacular. You’ve got it on right now.”

“Really? I didn’t know I had a special smile.” I was trying to play it off. I knew what it was. I’d seen pictures of me with the stupid grin, usually at weddings or in the background of a photo when the kids were doing something great. I also knew why it was on my face today, seeing Jeremy with the girls all surrounding him made me so unbelievably happy, even on this horrible day.

“You’re still a terrible liar, Char.”

“You know I can manage to lie to some people, you can usually see through my poker face which is completely unfair. So how has life been outside of work? It’s been a year, are you dating?” He seemed stunned. “Oh come on, you know I’m not good at beating around the bush. Let’s just get the awkward out.”

“I was in a relationship with someone for a few months, it ended recently so I’m starting to get back out there. Just pretty focused on finishing up the pilot and proposal for Netflix.” I heard the giggles as they grew closer and looked down just in time to grab Ellery as she jumped into my arms. 

“Mommy!”

“Ellie! Were you having fun dancing?”

“I was. Jeremy spun us in circles. Lots of circles.”

“Hopefully not enough that you’re gonna get sick.”

“No getting sick,” Jeremy answered. “I know better than that.”

“Hi Uncle Patrick,” Ellery said.

“Hello there, Ellie. How are you?”

“I’m good, Mommy let me wear a tutu and sequins but she wouldn’t let me wear my unicorn onesie. I would’ve been better if I was dressed like a unicorn.”

“Of course you would’ve. How unfair of Mommy.” I laughed and rolled my eyes at him. 

“Patrick this is Jeremy.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jeremy said as he stuck his hand out to shake Patrick’s. He had Ava balanced on his hip in the exact same way I had Ellie on mine.

“Nice to meet you as well.” Patrick looked back to me and smiled. ”I am going to get a drink and go mingle. I’m sure I’ll see you in a little bit.”

“Of course. The whiskey you and Michael loved is behind the bar if you’d like some.” I smiled before he turned to walk away. 

“Hey girls, why don’t you go over and play with Aria and Harlow,” Jeremy said. We both put them down before he grabbed my hand. “You okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Patrick is here? You didn’t tell me he was coming.”

“I didn’t know that he was coming until he walked out the door. Frankie didn’t invite him either so that leaves Alex. But it’s okay. He was one of Michael’s closest friends. It would be unfair to keep him from today, though warning about my ex-boyfriend walking into my house after nearly a year of radio silence would’ve been nice. Not that I should expect something like that. I’m sorry that I didn’t do a better introduction. I didn’t really know what to say. Just calling you my daughter’s best friend’s dad isn’t accurate and I don’t know that calling you my friend is either.” 

“I am so not worried about that. Your ex knowing that we’ve gone on one date isn’t necessary. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine for now. Though trust me, when there aren’t a billion people in my house Alex is gonna fuckin’ hear it.” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know why she wouldn’t tell me other than it’s a way to manipulate me.”

“It’s all gonna be okay.” He squeezed my hand in his before kissing my temple. 

“Thank you for being here. I know I sound like a broken record at this point but thank you, thank you, thank you.” He laughed.

“No need to thank me.” Within a few seconds the quiet moment we were having ended as I was pulled in a new direction. It was probably another hour of me feeling like a ping pong ball between guests. I needed a minute by myself. I need to have a second to just breathe. I snuck past guests making small talk like I needed to go to the restroom before sneaking into my studio, closing the door behind me. I walked over to the couch and laid down pulling the pillow over my face and screaming into it.

“Screaming into the pillow already? It’s still early, Char.” I moved the pillow to look at Patrick as he shut the door and came into the studio. I sat up so there was room on the couch. 

“It’s not early. It’s day four of the hostage situation. My family showed up a day early to surprise me.”

“I’m sure that went over horribly,” he said laughing. “You don’t handle surprises well at all.”

“Nope, I don’t. They thought it would just be great.” I rolled my eyes. “And add to all the stress that when Alex and I got here we got into a full-on Real Housewives style screaming match it’s been a fucking banner week.”

“Which Real Housewives? Like were there tables flying Jersey style?”

“No, just insults and years of pent up anger. Very Beverly Hills.” He had watched a lot of Bravo with me over the years so this conversation made me laugh. 

“Pent up anger? Let me guess, she’s not happy you’re dating an actor.” I am certain my eyes just opened wider than I’d thought humanly possible. “He was what prompted the smile, I’m not an idiot. You look really fucking happy despite today being the anniversary of the worst day of our lives.”

“I am really happy and it was totally about me dating an actor. Which like saying I’m dating an actor has the word dating doing a lot of work. We’ve been on one date which ended with him meeting my entire family in my kitchen because they thought showing up a day early was the best idea ever.”

“If he didn’t run after meeting your family you’re dating. Your Dad and Ryan still intimidate me all these years later, fuck Frankie scares me more than them combined.” I laughed again.

“He gets along with them. It’s great and scary all at once. He’s pretty amazing though. Ava, his daughter, and Ellie are best friends.”

“She calls you Mommy.” His eyes softened. The moniker was one we’d never imagined for me so to hear it was probably as much of a shock to him as it was me the first time. And while it had been startling it was the most wonderful sound I’d ever heard. I almost teared up just thinking about it, he looked like he might as well.

“She does.” 

“You wear it well. I am really sorry about how things ended.” He was facing me on the couch. We’d spent thousands of hours of our life sitting on a couch in this position talking.

“You don’t need to apologize. If the reverse happened I would’ve left too.”

“You wouldn’t have. You’re the kindest and most giving person I know. If I’d ended up with two kids I wasn’t expecting you would’ve stuck by me. I wish I could’ve been strong enough to do that for you.”

“Don’t. It’s not the life either of us saw for ourselves. We didn’t see marriage or kids in our future. It was a shared desire. Me going and agreeing to take the kids if something happened changed that. Just because I said yes to being their Mom didn’t mean you had to say yes too.” I reached my hands toward him and grabbed his in mine. “Patrick, I haven’t felt any ill will towards you for the decision you made. Have I missed you? Yes, it was hard to lose you because I loved you and thought I’d spend forever with you. But my life changed, yours didn’t have to.”

“It did though. I’ve missed you. I tried to call, but it was too hard. Missing you wasn’t going to change our circumstance.” I felt a lump at the back of my throat. “You know why I didn’t want kids. I wish I could’ve been that person for you, for them, for us.”

“It’s okay. You needed to be you and I don’t blame you for a single second. I wish life had turned out differently for so many reasons. People look at me with sad eyes because I lost two of my best friends but in reality, I lost three.” He broke the eye contact we’d had and looked down at where our hands were still interlocked. “I tried to call too, but it felt unfair to us both. Like me calling to celebrate the things with the kids and the life, I’m living now would just remind you of the life we aren’t having because I said yes. I picked them over you.” I felt a tear escape and was immediately grateful that I’d opted for all waterproof makeup today.

“You did the thing you needed to do. Those kids are lucky to have you and honestly, motherhood looks really good on you. The kids are lucky to have you. Seeing how well you’ve taken to this role, I feel like I would’ve cheated you if I kept you from being a mother because I have unresolved issues from my childhood and didn’t want to be a parent.”

“You weren’t the only one with unresolved issues. Notice my mother is nowhere to be seen, partially because I told her not to come.” I laughed. “You know how this would’ve gone with, Stevie here.”

“Yeah, she’s safer to have stayed away. I ran into her about two months ago. She said you were doing well and that made me happy.” He paused for a minute, squeezing my hands in his. “I should’ve called.”

“The phone works two ways, Patrick. I could’ve called too. I am glad you’re here though. You were a huge part of my life for a really long time and you were my friend even before you were my boyfriend. At some point in our lives, I hope that we can work our way back to that but it might take a long time. The end of our relationship was traumatic and abrupt. It’s not like we gradually fell out of love with each other or one of us cheated. If we’d fallen out of love it would’ve made it easier, instead, it was just the circumstances of our lives. I never wanted to force you into parenthood with me. It wasn’t what you wanted and I didn’t want to do that to you. Things went the way they should have. It will all be better someday, it just won’t be the life we always pictured and that’s okay. I’ve learned that the new normal in my life is that the unexpected will always happen. I never imagined that our relationship would end even though we had our struggles. I never dreamed I’d be a mother to two kids or that I’d be doing any of this without Sam. I didn’t imagine I’d have my baby brother running away from home to come live with me. I didn’t imagine I’d meet a guy in the school parking lot. I was always the girl with everything possible planned out. The universe has other plans so I’ve stopped trying to predict what comes next and I’m working on just letting it happen.”

“That’s impressive for you. You are an over-planner. You’d give me lists of what I needed to pack for a trip a week in advance.”

“Because you’d throw clothes in a suitcase when we needed to leave for the airport in five minutes. You gave me so much anxiety.” We both laughed. I dropped his hands as it was starting to feel awkward that we were still holding hands.

“You really met him in the school parking lot?” I nodded. “That’s crazy. I mean you’re a hot mom so I’m not totally surprised.” I flipped him off. “What? You are hot. As you so eloquently pointed out, our relationship didn’t end because we fell out of love with each other. You’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve had the pleasure of knowing in my life, you becoming a mother didn’t change that.”

“Whatever. I’ve been the conductor on the Hot Mess Express for the last year. I was not looking my best the first time he and I talked. But he’s pretty great. Okay, this is weird, isn’t it? I shouldn’t be talking about it to you.”

“It is a bit weird. I mean I am happy you’re happy but it’s still weird.”

“Okay, then we should get back to this shindig that my sister and Alex planned before people notice that I’ve run off to hide from it.”

“We should.” As I stood up he pulled me into a hug. “I am so glad we talked.”

“Me too,” I replied. “You’ve been one of my favorite people for a long time. Someday life won’t be so weird and we’ll be old friends. Fuck, this summer I’ll be in LA we should grab a coffee. I can help you scope the hot chicks that hang in the coffee shops you write in.” He laughed. We’d met in a coffee shop when he was writing and I was taking a break from the studio. There were no tables left in the place and I needed somewhere to sit so he offered me the other chair at his table. I thought he was cute the first time I met him so I, of course, came back every day for the rest of the week and sat down at his table. He taught me about his rankings of LA coffee shops which were all based on the women that hung out in them, not the coffee. We were friends for a long time before we finally went on a date with each other and our relationship transitioned. At some point I was positive our relationship would be able to transition back but if we rushed it we could ruin any chance of it.

“I’d like that a lot. Someday I’m going to teach Axel about the coffee shop rankings.”

“Oh god help the world when that boy is old enough to date. He’s gonna be a heartbreaker I can tell. He flirts with every woman no matter where we are. He’s Michael to a fucking T.”

“I am so not surprised. I’m glad nature is winning there over nurture.” I slugged him in the arm.

“Honestly, so am I. I live with miniature versions of Sam and Michael. Ellery has Sam’s goddamn eye roll down. The first time she did it to me I was so blown away I couldn’t even discipline her for rolling her eyes at me when I told her she had to eat her dinner.” I opened the door and we both walked out of the studio before I shut and locked the door again. Once outside I made a beeline back to the bar and Patrick stopped to talk to one of the guys he and Michael hung out with that had come. 

“Did you just come out of the house with Patrick?” Alex asked. I almost jumped because she’d snuck up on me, I had honestly been avoiding her since the coffee run-in this morning.

“Yes.”

“And?”

“And what?” I turned to look at her clearly not hiding that I was less than pleased with her at this very moment. 

“Well, you haven’t talked in almost a year. Did it go well?”

“I mean as well as a conversation between former lovers can go in the middle of a party celebrating the death of their friends. It’s not like I jumped him in the house while everyone was out here. That’s not going to happen. We’ve both moved on.”

“Well, you haven’t moved on that much,” she said.

“I’ve moved on enough that it would be way out of bounds for something to happen between Patrick and I. Also, the situation of my life hasn’t changed and Patrick still doesn’t want to have kids so despite whatever scheme you dreamed up in your head based on some rom-com you’ve seen we will not be getting back together. I have kids, he doesn’t want them. I found someone who makes me happy and not only is okay with kids, he has one. He’s back to cruising coffee shops for dates. The end.”

“I just think it’s so sad that your relationship had to end.”

“So do I, which is why I don’t really want to relive it. I loved him, he loved me.” I saw her frown. “I know you think there’s some magical thing that’s going to make him change his mind the same way you thought someday I’d decided I wanted kids, which at that point in my life you couldn’t stand Patrick because you thought he was the person keeping me from joining your Mom group. It wasn’t him, it was both of us. My life has changed, I have the kids to worry about and I’m not willing to change his life and neither is he. Sometimes love isn’t enough and for us, it wasn’t. It’s time for you to come to terms with that. Also, I’m moving on with a wonderful man who loves kids, but more importantly, loves my kids. Patrick and I are never getting back together. Can you just be okay with that?”

“I guess.” I rolled my eyes. 

“You guess? As a reminder, this is MY life, not yours. I’ve dealt with the heartbreak of losing him for nearly a year, I don’t want to relive it. You should have not only warned me that he was coming but also probably not invited him. It was rude and hurtful. He and I didn’t need to do that reunion in front of other people. You are a meddler and need to stop before you hurt me so badly that I just opt to never speak to you again.”

“You would never!”

“Try me,” I said. I wanted to dramatically storm away but I also wanted to get my drink. “This conversation isn’t over but I’m not having it with you while there are all these guests in my home.” I turned to order another drink and walked over to where Jeremy was standing with Ryan.

“I saw you and Patrick come out of the house together,” Jeremy said as he gently rubbed my back. “Did you have a nice talk?”

“We did. How did you know?”

“You hit that point that I knew you’d need alone time and as I went to walk towards the house knowing by your body language that you’d snuck in there I realized he caught it too. You haven’t talked in a year, I thought you might need that.”

“I did. Thank you for letting us have that moment. He said you’re braver than him because Frankie still scares the shit out of him.”

“I’m married to her and she’s scary sometimes,” Ryan said. “He also did get a black eye from her the last time he saw her so I’d be afraid if I were him.”

“True fucking story. I intend to never get on her bad side,” Jeremy added. “I’m glad things went well. They didn’t look like they went as well with Alex.”

“Oh, definitely not. She thought inviting him that somehow he’d forget that he wasn’t going to have kids, fall back in love with me and decide to spend forever with me and the kids. She’s delusional. She doesn’t know the whole story of why he doesn’t want kids, I do. It’s not changing. Not for me. Not for the kids. He loves Ellie, always has, but he doesn’t want to raise her. She was the one who always thought I’d change my mind and give up my no kids plan in life, she blamed it on him for a long time. So it’s funny that now she wants me to plot us getting back together like some bad romcom. It’s just her meddling like always.”

“I’m sorry. The end for you two wasn’t easy and her doing this has to be hard.” Jeremy’s eyes showed how much he meant the words as he said them.

“Thank you, it is hard. But it’s how it was supposed to go. I mean if it hadn’t you wouldn’t be here and you’re a pretty damn fun addition to my life.” I smiled at him.

“You’re gross.” Ryan reacted with fake vomit noises. 

Eventually, the crowd started to clear out after every single moment of the day that was planned to happen happened. I knew in my mind I still needed to go spread what was left of their ashes. We’d had a small portion interred at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, it was oddly a favorite place of Sam’s. We’d seen so many movies and bands there over the years. She also loved to go get lost in the cemetery when she needed time alone. She figured that she wasn’t really alone if she was surrounded by dead people. I knew I wanted a physical place the kids could go to visit their parents as they got older but that it felt odd to not leave a little bit of them at their favorite place in the woods in Tahoe. Stevie in all her weirdness had discovered that you could make jewelry out of ashes which seemed weird and creepy but I went with it. We had something made for both of the kids, Sam’s parents, aunt, and cousin, as well as me, the women in my family, Savannah and Alex. It had surprisingly brought comfort to all of us, though I rarely wore the pendant that had been made using their ashes, I wasn’t there yet.

“Thank you, everyone, for everything you did today. It was a beautiful day that Sam would’ve loved and Michael would’ve tolerated for her. It was filled with love, people, cupcakes and rainbows, all her favorite things. The kids and I are so lucky to have all of you in our lives. We are also all lucky that you were okay with pizza delivery tonight because there was no way I had the energy to cook after today.” Everyone laughed. We were spread around the deck at various tables because there were too many of us for one and with the tent gone the big table that we all fit at last night was gone. It was amazing how fast the party got torn down and my house returned to normal. “Now everyone eat.” I slumped down into my chair and took a bite of my pizza.

“You seem to be doing better,” Frankie said. 

“I am. It’s been a long few days. I’m ready to sleep for a day. I need a little peace and quiet.”

“You’ll get it before too long,” Jeremy said. 

“I can’t wait.” I smiled. Alex and Max were sitting at the table with me, Jeremy, Frankie, and Ryan. My parents, brother and Savannah had opted to sit with the kids. I think secretly they were all hoping it would make Alex and I talk about what happened without a table full of people to get hit by any flying objects. 

“What do you have planned for your recovery day?” Alex asked.

“She has nothing planned,” Jeremy answered. “Savannah and Tony are going to take all three of the kids and she’s going to have a day of quiet at my house. I told her that if she wanted the house to herself I’d take everyone at my place or she could have my place to herself. Currently, it looks like I’m going to be invited to recovery day.”

“You’re totally invited. You’re cute and willing to mix me drinks while I lay in a raft in your pool.” Everyone laughed. “I’ll probably just sleep though. It’s been a long week and I haven’t gotten much decent sleep. I just want to sleep and not worry that I need to wake up with Axel in the middle of the night or something. Sleep is a precious commodity these days.”

“That sounds like a dreamy day,” Max added. 

“Right? It’s gonna be perfect.” I smiled as I replied.

“Did you get a chance to say goodbye to Patrick before he left?” Alex asked before taking a bite of her pizza. She was still meddling about this.

“I did. I’ve promised to call when I am in LA next so we can grab a coffee. But as a reminder, he and I will not be getting back together and it’s disrespectful to suggest that in front of Jeremy.”

“I wasn’t suggesting that. Just that you hadn’t seen each other and he snuck out as a lot of Sam’s family was leaving, I wasn’t sure if you’d had a chance to say goodbye.”

“I did. So you can stop asking.”

“I didn’t realize you’d invited him,” Frankie said. Here was my sister who enjoyed stirring the pot as much as Alex but was much sneakier.

“It just made sense. He and Michael were always super close. They had done some work together. I thought it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“It was,” Frankie answered. “I don’t disagree with that and clearly Charlie doesn’t either. It just seems so odd that you did it in such a secretive manner. His name didn’t appear on a single invite list. I never got an RSVP from him. You mentioned nothing about his attendance. Why?”

“I wasn’t sure how you’d react. You punched him the last time you saw him.”

“For good reason, I was angry. He was an easy target.”

“He didn’t deserve it,” I said. “He also didn’t deserve me being shocked that he was in my house. Next time you think you’re being Lindsay Lohan in Parent Trap think clearly through that and then don’t do it.” Everyone at the table, including Max, laughed. “He felt so uncomfortable at how you handled that. Yes, he and I needed to talk. Today was not the day it needed to happen. We are both hurt by the hand life has dealt us. How we proceed with our friendship is for us to decide, not anyone else.”

“He seems like a nice guy,” Jeremy said. They had gotten a chance to talk for a while and as he left Patrick told me that Jeremy seemed like a great guy and he was glad I’d found happiness. In fact, he sort of quoted Harry Potter as he said it. ‘I’m happy that in the darkest of times you found happiness. You remember to turn on a light.” It was perfect and made me smile. “I mean selfishly I’m glad he’s not in the picture anymore but he seemed nice enough.”

“He is nice,” I agreed. “Things just didn’t work out for us which left the door open for you and I am also pretty happy about that.” Jeremy smiled and because the kids weren’t able to see leaned over and kissed me softly. I looked back towards the table to see Frankie and Ryan both smiling. “Outside of being surprised at his attendance and the sheer number of people in my house it was a nice day. But I am going to say we are NEVER doing this again. A funeral and celebration of life were enough. I’m done. We can all choose to recognize or ignore this day in the future, however, each of us wants to proceed. But no more large gatherings. I’m over having to go through this.”

“Agreed,” Frankie said. “Today was perfect though. It’s just what they both would’ve wanted.”

Once we were done eating we got the leftover pizza put away in the fridge before cleaning up the kids and tucking them all in bed. After two long days and a lot of playing bedtime went easier than expected. The bigger kids all agreed to put on jammies and watch a movie in the theater before Savannah would put them in bed. I knew that Axel would likely be up in the middle of the night because his schedule was so thrown off today but that was okay. Today had gone relatively well and I’m glad he’d been there for the whole thing. We all ended up back in the living room and kitchen with the leftover punch, whiskey, and wine. The sun was starting to set, I knew it was time to go.

“Do you want any of us to go with you?” Frankie asked.

“No, I’m okay. This is something for me to do.”

“Are you sure? We can come with,” Alex said. I knew that depriving them all of this moment was selfish but I wanted to do it alone. In my head, I heard Sam tell me to not be selfish and to share this moment.

“I guess, you can come with. Both of you. We were her sisters, we should all be there.” I grabbed the two boxes with the remaining ashes from their hiding spot and walked out of the house with Alex and Frankie. I wanted to do this alone, I’d planned to do this alone and wasn’t really sure how to proceed with other people there.

“Do we need flashlights?” Alex asked. “It’s starting to get dark.”

“No, there’s enough light I can still see. It’s not too far really.” I lead the way through the trees on a path that had been well worn by Sam and Michael over the years. We came to a clearing that had a perfect view of the lake where a little bench sat. 

“How did I not know this was here?” Alex asked.

“You didn’t like wilderness hikes,” I replied. I sat down signaling for them to each sit on one side of me. We watched the last of sunset in silence. “This was their favorite spot at their favorite time of day when they were here. I sneak out here sometimes when I need to be alone and talk to them. I feel them more here than I do anywhere else, it’s why I felt this was the perfect place to spread their ashes.”

“It’s a beautiful spot,” Frankie said.

“It is. That sunset was amazing,” Alex added.

“I had thought I’d get out here and have something thoughtful or inspiring to say. The only thing that comes to mind is that I miss them both so much. I’ve lived 365 days without them and yet it feels like it’s just been the longest day of my life and not a year.”

“Well if you normally talk to them here, talk to them,” Frankie encouraged. Alex nodded.

“Sam, Mikey, god I fuckin’ miss you. This has been the longest and hardest year of my life and I’m so angry that you weren’t here to live it with me. I hope that whatever you thought you saw in me as the person who was supposed to raise your babies was real. I’m not sure that I’m doing it right but I’ve never tried at something so damn hard in my life. We all miss you every day. Ellie becomes more and more like you every day Sam. She’s your spitting image and has your personality, I’m scared for what the rest of my life is going to look like. Michael, Axel is you in the best way. He’s sensitive and intuitive despite being a year old. He has the capability to stop me dead in my tracks and remind me to slow down, something only you had ever been able to do. Life without you is hard but we are doing the best we can. We sing show tunes and hair metal too loud. We watch nerdy movies. We have snuggle time. We tell each other how much we love each other every day. Everything I can do to give them a normal life, a life you would’ve given them I do. They are the best thing that ever happened to me and I love them so much. But fuck I miss you.”

“We all miss you,” Frankie said as she rested her head on my shoulder. “Watching Axel clap along to Happy Birthday without you both there sucked. Seeing how they are growing into themselves and developing personalities without you hurts all of us.”

“It’s been such a hard year,” Alex started before she paused. “Each holiday, special moment without you has been painful. I know that it will get easier to face those and we are lucky to all have each other but we aren’t the same without you.”

“Just so you know, Chucky is doing a great job being Mommy to those babies.” My sister’s voice cracked with tears. “She’s incredible. You made a great decision in leaving them with her. She watches out for them, cares for them, and lets them be whoever they want, just as you would have. Although today she wouldn’t let Ellie be a unicorn which Ellie told every person who came to the house. Seeing Axel and how bonded he is to her, it’s beautiful. I wish you had both been able to get to know him more, he’s an amazing little guy.” At that moment a cool breeze blew past us. 

“We let Charlie decide where we were doing this. She said this is the place where she feels your presence most. I understand what she means by that now. There is a sense of calm here that in the life of chaos we all have is very needed. The view is beautiful, it will be a great place to spend eternity together. Wherever you are I hope that you’re together, happy, and watching over all of us,” Alex added. “We miss you.” I stood up from the bench and went to the spot in front of us that I wanted to spread their remains. I opened both of the boxes and looked down at the gray ashes.

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. And above all, pity those who live without love,” I said. I poured the ashes out as a breeze came up from behind me and assisted me in spreading the ashes out farther. Frankie and Alex stood up as I closed the boxes and we ended up in a group hug. We stood there for a moment, all quietly crying knowing this was goodbye in a way that nothing else had been in the last year. We eventually wiped our tears away and headed back to the house.

“Why did you choose the Harry Potter quote?” Alex asked. 

“By nature, we all fear death. But honestly, Michael never feared death, he was the person I knew that was most comfortable talking about it. Losing his parents as young as he did he always told me he related to Harry Potter in a way, only he was still waiting on his Hogwarts letter. One weekend Michael and I binge-watched all of the movies. Sam had gone home to visit her parents so it was just the two of us. We lived on the couch in sweatpants. He told me that was his favorite line in all of the books. That he didn’t fear death because even though he wasn’t sure what he believed in he knew that whatever came next would be wonderful and that even if it wasn’t he would die knowing he was loved. His parents loved him, Sam loved him, we loved him. That was all that mattered to him.”

“That’s beautiful. He was always sort of our Harry Potter wasn’t he?” 

“He was, Alex. He was. I mean he never slept beneath a staircase but he got passed around his family and made to feel like he wasn’t worthy. Living through that knowing that his parents loved him even if they weren’t there and even if the places he lived weren’t filled with love. The way he loved Sam was something I aspire to. She was the first person since his parents that loved him unconditionally and so affectionately. That quote has stuck out to me for the last year so it just seemed like the most appropriate thing possible for today.”

“It was, sis.” We got back to the house and found everyone in the living room with drinks, snacks, a fire going and the TV on. I climbed into the oversized chair that Jeremy was occupying and rested my head on his shoulder.

“You okay?” 

“Yeah, as hard as that was it was probably the best part of this weekend. It’s another step closer to them being completely at rest and maybe then I can find peace.” We were talking quietly as I didn’t really want to get into the whole conversation with everyone. Jeremy moved the blanket that was on the arm of the chair so it covered both of us. The weather had been so beautiful here all day but as the sun disappeared it got much cooler and I got pretty cold on the walk back. I rested my head on his shoulder and remained quiet until I felt my phone vibrate in my lap.

New Message from Patrick

It was good to see you today. I’m sorry I didn’t think to contact you in advance. 

You are fine. I’m glad you were here. You were an important part of Sam and Michael’s lives. You will always be important to me and the kids. It was really good to see you.

It was good to see you too. You look happy, really happy. 

I mean most days I’m a miserable old hag who is angry at the world for stealing the things she loved most. But happiness is starting to fill more and more of my days. It feels nice. Thank you for being there today.  I have missed you.

I’ve missed you too. Call me when you get to LA. We’ll get together.

I will. Have a safe trip home. Do me a favor and text me to let me know you made it back. Okay?

I will. Keep doing what you’re doing, Char. Whatever it is, you’re doing great. 

I smiled as I slid my phone back into my lap under the blanket. I rested my head back on Jeremy’s shoulder and felt his lips press a soft kiss into the top of my head. This day couldn’t have been any crazier. He met my ex-boyfriend and handled Alex trying to rekindle the love I had with Patrick in a manner that I never could’ve handled. I had a short fuse and a temper that no one deserved to deal with, even when they were the focus of my anger. He’d somehow not walked out on today. I turned to face him and kissed his cheek.

“Did you know that you’re amazing?”

“I mean, yeah of course I do. Just wait, you don’t even know how amazing I am yet.” I giggled a little bit knowing he was trying to flirt. 

“I can’t wait to find out…when all of my family is not in the same house as us.” He laughed almost a little too loudly drawing some attention to us. People quickly went back to their conversations.

“I really have come to love your family but I am also counting down the minutes until they leave Tahoe. They sort of threw a wrench in the whole getting a second date in a timely manner thing.”

“They really did. They’ve always been good at cramping my style.” We all stayed up later tonight than we had the previous nights and all drank a little more than we had the previous nights. Knowing that tomorrow was just a pool day made us all a little more relaxed. It was finally around 1:00 when Jeremy and I crawled into bed. I was fearing that Axel would be awake in about an hour and knowing that Savannah needed to sleep as much as I did I told her she wasn’t allowed to wake up if he did.

“You did great today, babe,” Jeremy said as he pulled me into him, my head resting on his chest.

“Thank you for your help and support. It was a fucked up day for so many reasons. I feel like I need to apologize for the whole Alex/Patrick thing. I didn’t see that coming at all.”

“It’s probably good that it happened here. It was on your turf. He saw you with the kids. He was able to see that you’re doing well and happy.”

“He got to see us together.”

“I mean that’s nice, but not necessary. I want him to see how capable you are of doing this on your own. I can only imagine how hard that break up was on you both. To know he made the right decision for himself and for you has to feel good for you both.” God, Jeremy was so fucking reasonable. Most men I’d dated would NOT have handled today with the grace he did. Fuck, Patrick would’ve gone ballistic on Alex for inviting an ex to something to try and fuck with our lives. Jeremy handled it in stride.

“It was good for both of us, though admittedly very hard. I appreciate you not being jealous or anything. Patrick would’ve been so you handling today the way you did remind me of the not so great part of our relationship and how this, whatever is happening between us, how much more natural it feels.”

“There’s no need to get jealous. I’m the one that gets to see you in the old USC t-shirt tonight.” He leaned in and kissed me. I felt it like a jolt of electricity shooting through my body. My toes curled and my heart raced. The newness of everything was great but it didn’t matter how many times he’d kissed me like this, each of them felt like the first time, possibly better. 

“I am so excited to not be in a house this full.” Jeremy laughed.

“You do know I was just kidding. We can move at whatever speed you feel comfortable. You set our pace. You’re the one going through all of this from a new place in life.”

“I appreciate that. You’re very kind. You’re also very hot and I very much want a house alone. No kids.” I leaned in to kiss him. “No siblings.” I kissed him again. “No parents.” I laughed this time. “Fuck, I feel like a teenager. This is my house and I just want them out so that I can get handsy with the hot guy.”

“Monday. It’ll be here before you know it and we’ll have my house all to ourselves.” There were a few more kisses before we drifted off to sleep. Tonight it wasn’t a nightmare that woke me up or an unsettling feeling, it was the baby monitor from Axel’s room. I turned the volume down a bit and snuck out of bed. I tiptoed through the house down to his nursery. 

“Axel Christopher, what are you doing awake?” He giggled as I walked over to the crib where he was standing up holding his blanket. I picked him up and started to dance around the room with him on my hip. “You just didn’t get your normal nap today and you’re just exhausted to the point you can’t sleep aren’t you, buddy?” This was a normal occurrence when I’d come in here at night. I’d talk to Axel knowing that the response I would get would maybe be babbling or giggling. Never actual conversation but I didn’t baby talk him at night. We just talked. 

I went over to where the stereo in Axel’s room sat. I’d canceled the cell phone plans that Sam and Michael had but kept their phones. Sam’s was in Ellery’s room to play music on for her and Michael’s was in here. I’d made sure that every one of the playlists they’d made for the kids was still on here. I hit play on the playlist Michael made for Axel when he found out they were having a boy. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers filled the room. I started to sing along to ‘Learning to Fly’ as I danced around the room with Axel. Nights like this I hate that this kid needed to dance to fall asleep. I just wanted to crawl in the rocking chair and hold him. Partway through ‘With or Without You’ by U2 I turned to see Jeremy standing in the doorway.

“What are you doing up?” I asked quietly as Axel had finally drifted off to sleep in my arms.

“I woke up to you gone and your voice singing INXS through the baby monitor.” He was whispering at the same level I was.

“Yeah, Axel woke up. He’s finally back asleep though.” I went over to the crib and laid him down. I had managed to not wake him up. I felt arms wrap around me and Jeremy’s chin rest on my shoulder. We stood there for a moment in silence both staring down at Axel. “How is it that someone so small can hold so much of my world in their little body?”

“It’s the miraculous part of parenthood. Eventually, he’ll grow up to be the girls’ age and you’ll miss these moments. They want to snuggle less. They disobey more. They aren’t calmed just by the sound of some ‘80s rock songs. Enjoy this while you can.”

“I definitely am. Ellie snuggles more than I know the average kid her age does but she’s had some major trauma in her life.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Axel makes me miss the little phase.”

“Axel is an enigma. I want him to grow up because diapers suck, middle of the night shit like this sucks. But he’s this tiny little person that has relied on me for everything for so long and someday he’s not gonna need me and I hate that idea. It has to be so much harder when they are biologically yours.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Jeremy says. “You’ve protected him through more than most parents, biological or otherwise, have to in the first year. Most of us just hope they eat, sleep and grow. You had to make sure he ate, slept, grew, and survived losing his parents before he was even a month old. You’re one of a kind, Charlie.” I leaned my head towards his so mine rested on his. “You ready to leave him?”

“Yeah,” I replied. We’d been standing here in the quiet watching him sleep for at least 10 minutes. I was exhausted, I knew Jeremy was exhausted and that Axel wouldn’t likely wake up until morning. It was safe to leave him. We quietly made our way out of Axel’s room and back up to my bedroom. Jeremy climbed in bed and I followed, burying myself in his arms. I took a few deep breathes in and out. A year ago I had crawled into bed at my Dad’s, unable to sleep and proceeded to not sleep for several days. Tonight, it was much easier to fall back to sleep. I was safe, I was happy, and I knew that the world wasn’t going to come crashing down any minute. Today, we all took a big step towards finally finding the peace we all needed. That peaceful feeling started to wash over me,  calming me with each deep, cleansing breath. I would never feel completely whole again but I was moving forward and that was all I could ask for.

**********

Okay. 

That chapter was a lot.

I know.

It was far from easy to write. It was another one where I found myself crying while I wrote it. But I wanted the emotions to be fully expressed. I wanted to allow Charlie to feel the day, the good and the bad of it. Oh and how there were both.

Okay, first things first. The big surprise of this chapter. The appearance of Patrick was not something Charlie was expecting, clearly. For those curious, Patrick is Tom Hiddleston. I mean he’s hot, he’s got a great accent and I never imagined Patrick being American. I feel like their reconciliation with each other was something that Charlie needed to be able to fully move on. He was an important person to her, despite the faults they both had in their relationship she loved him and intended to spend forever with him. Losing her two best friends and the love of her life in one swoop was a lot for her to take on. Reconnecting with Patrick and building that friendship back up will be a big part to her fully healing and being able to have a healthy relationship in the future.

The first scene in this chapter was something I could picture in my head and made me smile. All of these women in the bathroom with these little girls getting them ready for a party that was meant to be fun while still being a very solemn and sad experience. Charlie allowing herself to forget about impressing people and just embrace herself for who she was at that moment. To remember that ‘where words fail, music speaks.’ That’s a quote that has stuck with me throughout my adult life. I am clearly good with words but sometimes, when I struggle to find them, I can find a song that perfectly encapsulates the moment or feeling I’m trying to express. Music is beautiful in that way and it’s something that Charlie clearly believes in. 

Alex continued to sir the pot throughout this chapter. I partially believe that she is incapable of allowing people to just live their lives, that she constantly believes that she needs to guide people to the path she knows is right, even when it’s not. It was big of Charlie to allow her to go into the woods with her at the end of the day. To see the way she still communicates with Sam and Michael. I can tell you if I were in Charlie’s shoes I wouldn’t have been that kind. I have friends (and family) that believe they know what I need better than I do. Hell, today I had a family member (my step-mom’s step-mom) tell me I needed to keep cooking so I could find a man to cook for. When I replied that I didn’t need a man she acted like she knew better. While my step-mom is 100% my mother and I openly speak about the wonderful relationship I have with her, the relationship she has with her step-mom is not like ours, which makes the statement even more ridiculous because the woman who said it isn’t really a part of my life and has no idea what she’s talking about. I had a traumatic 2019, partially because of the last relationship I was in. I prefer life alone. Do I miss the companionship of a man occasionally? Sure. Do I miss sex? Yes. Do I “need” anyone in my life? Absolutely not. I’m fiercely independent and have no desire to get married or have babies. I’m Charlie where she was before Sam died. I quote Gloria Steinem, I rant about how societal pressures on women to procreate and care for men are ridiculous. I am not the girl who is ever going to be the domestic housewife for a man. There are a lot of Alexes in my life. Today I was reminded of that so I felt I needed to channel some of my feelings into Charlie. Her opinion on her life or Patrick’s never changed, her situation did. If I was put in her shoes, I don’t know that I’d have been brave enough to say yes.

Jeremy and Charlie’s relationship development makes me so happy. They still aren’t at a point where holding hands and kissing in front of the kids is a thing they are doing. They are still keeping things secret from some people. But that ‘special smile’ has shown up for him. She’s happy and enjoying it. She’s allowing herself to be happy, knowing that just because Sam’s life ended it doesn’t mean hers has to either. I am so proud of how she stood up for Patrick and his feelings to Alex. That she wouldn’t dream of bullying him into reconciling with her and rekindling their relationship because it is altering the life he dreamed of for himself. But more important than that, she’s found someone who wants the same things in life that she does, which makes the idea of a relationship with Jeremy that much more appealing.

Chapter 14 I promise will be fun! No tears. No emotional Harry Potter moments. 14 will be much MUCH happier. For everyone. And we are getting close to Charlie’s recovery day with Jeremy which could end up a lot sexier than her sleeping the entire day. We need to stay tuned and see how things go!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and can’t wait to hear from you. If you have questions, comments, concerns, or any criticism (be gentle - writing about the grief process is still very hard for me as the death of my grandfather is still completely fresh and the wounds are still very much open) I’m happy to accept it. I’d love to hear your favorite part or what you’re looking forward to. Thank you for allowing me to take the time I needed to get through this chapter. I hope that the time between 13 and 14 is much shorter.

Thanks so much!

XO. Annie

[fific7]

Dangerous and Divine - Part 6

Billy Russo x Reader

Summary: Billy Russo is an itch you don’t want to scratch. But he’s all over you like a rash.

A/N: This does not follow canon, it’s mainly fluff & lemon zest 🍋 with a side of angst. The GIF is from Exposed, unreleased pilot show in case you’re wondering 😌... Billy vibes.

Warnings: Some drinking & swearing.

(My GIF)

He made it out onto the street, looking around him in all directions, heart sinking as he couldn’t see her anywhere.

Running his fingers through his hair, Billy continued scanning the crowded streets. No.... nothing. He grabbed his phone and dialled her number. She didn’t pick up. So he texted her.

“Angel, just saw you in the restaurant. I was there for a business lunch, really hope you don’t think there was anything else to it cos there wasn’t. Please - call me back or pick up when I call.”

He tried another couple of times including FaceTime but no, she definitely wasn’t picking up. Trying once more, he let it ring through to voicemail, and left basically the same message on there. He had no intention of returning to Madani and continuing lunch - too many awkward questions to face there apart from anything else - so he went back to his car, got in, slamming his hands down onto the steering wheel a few times before starting the engine, and driving back to Anvil.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

You and your friend had only gone a few doors down to another restaurant, and luckily they had a table available. Once you’d ordered and had glasses of wine in your hands, your friend Karen had fixed you with a steely gaze and said, “Okay, give.”

She worked as a reporter at one of the big newspapers, and you hadn’t had the chance to catch up with her for a good few months. And you knew she wouldn’t let this go until she’d wrung all the juicy details out of you, so you took a big sip of wine and sighed.

Catching her up from the whole ex-boyfriend situation to the cocktail party and meeting your new love interest, through to becoming lovers and maybe thinking it could go somewhere, you finally got to today’s fiasco.

“So, literally as soon as we sat down, I look up and that big fucker’s walking in with some pretty girl and looking extremely comfortable with her!” You gave what could only be described as an angry growl, “I mean I’d sussed out from the get-go that he was a player, but ... uhhh!!!... how could I be so damn stupid to fall for his shit talk?!!! Telling me I was his girlfriend!!!” You blew out a big breath.

“And then...“ you switched to your fake “man” voice, “‘Oh, I got a job I’ll be on for the next couple of days, angel.’” Another angry huff from you. “Yeah, right, on a ‘job’...he was obviously gonna be ON her! For about 48 hours by the sound of it. Bitch! And he’s a fucking jerk.”

Once Karen could get a word in edgeways when your rant drew to a close, she said in a calming voice, “Honey, it sounds like you had a lucky escape. There’s a lot of them in New York, you know... fucking jerks, I mean.”

You felt your eyes welling up, but blinked the tears back fiercely, you weren’t going to cry over that stupid big douchebag. You pulled your phone out of your bag, “I mean, look! Look at what he literally put in my phone yesterday evening...” and, ignoring your notifications for the moment, you scrolled to Contacts and turned the phone towards her.

Karen rolled her eyes, “Urrrghh, how lame is that? ‘Your Boyfriend’?” shaking her head. Even though you were furious at him, you felt a twinge of annoyance at her comment. You’d thought it was quite cute. Well, you had before that little shitshow. Then she put her face closer to the screen, “Hey, wait a minute!.. lemme see his photo?”

You handed the phone to her, and she peered at the image. “Oh my god,” she breathed, looking up at you, “...what’s your guy’s name?” “Billy Russo,” you spat back, loath to even voice it. She handed you the phone back. “Well, that’s just damn spooky,” she said, looking amazed. She leant in to you, “I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months, his name’s Frank,” and your mouth dropped. “Billy’s got a friend called Frank!” you said, staring at her. She nodded, “Yep, works at Anvil which is owned by the one and only Billy Russo!”

She sat back, taking a long sip of her wine. “What a freaking coincidence this is,” she shook her head. “Frank’s told me a little about him, you know and I’m afraid you’re right - he sounds like a total player.” She looked at you sympathetically, “Sorry.” You waved a hand in the air, “Nothing I hadn’t guessed for myself, Karen. But... he seemed so sincere.” You laughed self-depracatingly, “I was gonna be the one who tamed the bad boy. Huh!!”

You scrolled through the notifications, realising they were all from Billy. “I think he must’ve seen me! He’s called and texted.” You read the text, huffing and showing it to Karen, who raised her eyebrows and commented, “Nice recovery, Russo.” “The voicemail’s the same,” you said, as you listened to it. “What a load of bullshit. I mean, c’mon, who walks a business lunch date to the table with his hand on her back?”

Karen nodded, “No-one, unless they wanna get slapped with a lawsuit.”

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Billy slammed his office door behind him, and threw himself into his chair, tapping out a staccato rhythm on his desktop with a long finger. He reached down, opening his bottom desk drawer and taking out a bottle of whisky and a glass. A moment later, the door opened and Frank came in, looking concerned. He took in Billy’s less-than-immaculate hair, bouncing knee and tense demeanour.

Billy waggled the whisky bottle and quirked an eyebrow at him, but Frank shook his head.

“Okay, Bill, what’s up? Something go wrong?” Billy looked up at him, scowling ferociously, “Fuck yes!” he bit out, “Frankie... everything’s gone wrong.”

Before he could say anything else, Frank’s phone rang and he held a finger up to Billy to say he was going to take the call.

“Hi, sweetheart,” he answered it, “how’re you?” Billy heard a big outburst of indecipherable speech from the phone, and then saw Frank’s eyes flick over to him. “Oh, uhhh okay.. umm right, yeah he’s here. Yeah... yep, I’ll let him know. Will I see you later?” He smiled fondly as he went on, “Okay! That’s great, see you then.” He hung up, hand going to his jaw and running over his stubbled chin, looking worried.

“Bill...” he started, just staring at him and Billy stared right back, “What?”

Frank said a name to him, his angel’s name, and continued, “You know her?” Billy nodded, “Yeah, that’s my girl.” Frank plopped down into the chair across from him, “Not sure that’s the case now.” Billy nodded, “I know. That’s what I was about to tell you. I took Madani out to lunch and my girl was in the fuckin’ restaurant.” He shook his head, “She ran right outta there and I followed but couldn’t find her. So I headed back here. Left Madani sitting there in the restaurant.”

He poured a generous slug of whisky into the glass and knocked back most of it. “Now my girl’s mad at me and Dinah’s mad at me, and this operation could be down the tube.”

Frank sighed, rubbing his big paw over his face. “And Karen’s her friend, can you believe that? So she’s mad at you too. Fuckin’ hell, Russo.”

“Yeah,” said Billy, also sighing. “How the fuck am I gonna fix this?”

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Dinah Madani was not a happy bunny. She stomped into her office, yelling out “Sam!!!” as she went. He hurried in behind her. “Something wrong, Dinah?” She gave him a contemptuous look, “I see you’ve been working on your powers of observation. Well done! Yes, something’s wrong!” Sitting down behind her desk, she glared up at him, “Russo!!! That’s what wrong. That piece of shit.”

Inwardly, Sam laughed to himself. Despite Madani’s sarcastic gibe at his perceptiveness, he’d quickly realised as soon as Russo had popped up in this case that Madani had the serious hots for him. She thought she’d been getting somewhere with him, both on the case and personally, but now something must’ve put a spanner in the works on either one or both of those.

“What’s pretty boy done now?” he asked, trying and failing to completely hide his smirk. She scowled at him, “We’d gone out for lunch - to discuss the case,” she hastily added, and Sam thought to himself ‘yeah, right, and what were you hoping dessert was gonna be?’

“He spotted someone leaving the restaurant and off he goes, saying he’s got to catch up with them.” She viciously powered up her laptop. “Think it was a woman,” she mumbled. “Sorry, what?” said Sam innocently. “I said, I think it was a woman!” spat out Madani, “are you deaf or something?”

Sam smirked again, “Oh. Dear. Someone to do with the case, you think?” She stared at her screen, “How should I know? But that bastard’s got some explaining to do.”

Well this afternoon was gonna be a complete blast, thought Sam.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

You’d returned to Chelsea, and spent the whole afternoon getting under your team’s feet in the café. Not wanting to sit and brood in your office, you’d busied yourself ‘helping them out’, when in fact they didn’t actually need any assistance. And you could sense you were vaguely irritating them. But you didn’t feel up to telling them what the problem was.

Eventually, you’d asked if one of them wanted the rest of the day off as paid leave, and Gabrielle had jumped at the chance. Her older sister had just recently popped out another baby, and she was keen to visit and fulfill her role as doting aunt.

The two guys had watched you warily for the rest of the day, in case all your nervous energy ended up causing some kind of coffee-shop catastrophe. You sent them off at the end of the day, saying you’d close up yourself. Which turned out to be a mistake. Looking vacantly out at the street, you closed and locked the door when they left, and that’s when you spotted the Wraith, parked diagonally opposite the café.

Resting your forehead against the cool glass of the door for a moment, knowing you should really have anticipated that this would be Billy’s next move when you didn’t respond to his attempts at contacting you. Either turn up here or at your apartment. Not difficult to work out. You got the fright of your life as the doorway suddenly darkened, and long legs clad in suit trousers and a pair of shiny black shoes appeared in your line of vision. You’d jumped back in surprise and Billy leant one one arm on the door, staring in at you and mouthing “Please?” at you, followed by (you thought), “I just wanna explain.”

You’d looked away from his pleading eyes, contemplating what you were going to do. Let him in, don’t let him in. You couldn’t deny you wanted to hear his explanation. In all its no-doubt manufactured glory. So, heaving a big sigh, you unlocked the door and immediately walked away to the counter, leaving him to actually open the door and walk in. A small victory, you thought. You hadn’t actually let him in after all. Sort of.

“Coffee?” you asked over your shoulder. “Please.” You made an Americano for him, and a caffé corretto for yourself. You weren’t too fond of grappa, so topped up the espresso with some brandy. Billy, who was leaning on the counter watching you, raised an eyebrow at you. “Ooh, that bad, huh? Can I get some too?” You just stared at him, and he added, “Please?” so you added a shot to his coffee and handed it to him.

Sipping your own strong and bracing beverage, you leaned back against the unit behind you, face neutral, waiting. He took a long drink of his fortified coffee, eyes never leaving yours. He carefully placed the cup back into the saucer, leaning his arms on the counter and looking back up at you, the tip of his tongue swiftly moving over his bottom lip.

“I know you’ll probably think this is total bullshit, but I promise you it’s not,” he said into the silence. You nodded, “Mmhmm.” His eyes drilled into yours, sincerity shining out of them, “That was purely a business lunch. She’s a Homeland agent, and Frankie and I are... in the middle of something with that agency. I can’t tell you any of the details... yet. I’m sorry.”

You huffed out a long breath. “Firstly, Billy, since when does a business lunch entail walking the woman to a table with a hand on her back?” He winced, but you weren’t finished, “And right now, to me, the only thing you looked like getting into the middle of was her.” This time he flinched back from the venom in your voice, but he maintained eye contact with you.

“Angel, I swear to you... On. My. Life. There is nothing and will never be anything between me and Agent Madani.” So.... Agent Madani, your brain rolled the words around your mind. “We’re in a joint operation with them, and I need to make sure she doesn’t drop us out of the loop, they’re good at doing that.”

“And how’re you doing that, Billy? With ‘business lunches’, with lots of flirting? She got the hots for you, hmmm Billy? Yeah? So, ultimately with sex? Keep her really sweet?”

Damn, you knew you’d hit the nail right on the head. His face had flushed, guilt written all over him and he’d slid back on the counter slightly. You’d like to bet that If he hadn’t met you, that’s exactly what would’ve happened. Maybe he’d just not got that far down his timetable with her yet.

You stared intently into his eyes, “Slept with her yet, Billy?” He straightened up to his full height, looking down at you, a strange distant expression in his eyes. “No, angel, I haven’t. And I can’t deny what you’ve just said. That was the plan. Me and Frankie need to know what information and leads she’s got. Yeah, she’d like to fuck me, she’s made that pretty obvious. But we hadn’t quite got to that stage yet.” He took a deep breath, and said in a rush, “We had a drink after work one night, and I kissed her.”

“Uhuh. Did you.” Statement, not question, folding your arms over your chest.

“Before we met!” he hastily added, emphasising the ‘before’, “...it happened days before we met. And it was purely business to me. Nothing more.” “Really? She’s pretty hot.” You could tell he spent a split second thinking how best to reply and keep his balls intact at the same time. “Well, yeah she is... but the spark’s not there for me. She doesn’t float my boat. Not like you do.” You smirked, good answer Russo!

“So what would your schedule have been?” He looked at you, puzzled, “What d’you mean?”

“Flirt, tick. Kiss, tick,” you made little air ticking motions with your finger. “Fuck...? Now, just when would that’ve been on the table, Billy?” He looked away from you, shaking his head, “I dunno. Whenever it would’ve been necessary.” Glancing back at you, “Look, I know this sounds really...” “Shitty?” you supplied. He allowed himself a small grin, “Yeah, shitty,” then the grin dropped. “But this is life and death, angel, and it means finally clearing our names as long as it all goes down okay.” You decided to spare Billy the verbal barb which had popped effortlessly into your head, along the lines of ‘would it depend on who went down on who?’

But you didn’t, instead saying. “Oh right, that’d be clearing your name from when you and Frank got arrested by Homeland, yes?” Billy gave you a hint of a smile, “So, you have been digging after all.”

You nodded, “Yes, I have. Not that I found out much. The dead CIA guy, him having funded you, you guys getting arrested. That was pretty much it.” He nodded, “That’s the bare bones of it, the important parts though. I promise you that as soon as I can, I’ll tell you the whole sorry story. We’re still right in the... it’s all still goin’ on right now.”

You smirked to yourself, you knew he’d changed what he’d been about to say as he was saying it, in case you took another dig at him about exactly what he was in the middle of.

He moved round the counter, and stood next to you. His dark eyes looked huge as they stared into yours, “I promise you, angel, you’re the only woman I’m interested in. The only one I want to be with. Please say you believe me.” The annoying thing was, you did. You didn’t like what he’d told you - that basically if you hadn’t been on the scene he’d have slept with Madani to keep her ‘on side’ - but you did believe that he hadn’t had sex with her. You thought that the small snippet of her body language you’d observed had screamed ‘I want him’ but not the casual touching and languid looks of ‘I’ve had him’.

You gave a big sigh. “Okay, Russo, I believe you.” A look of pure relief crossed his face, and he immediately grabbed both of your hands, pulling you close and kissing you hungrily. You pulled away after a few moments, just as he was trying to deepen the kiss. “But you’re on parole for a while.” He groaned, which became a laugh, “Okay, yeah... whatever you want, angel. For however long you want. I guess I deserve some punishment.”

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

After closing up, you and Billy crossed the road and headed towards his car. He beeped his car remote at it as he approached and then opened the passenger door for you. As you folded yourself into the seat, he put one arm on the door frame and leant in to kiss you again. “Sneaky,” you said as you moved your lips away from his. “Always,” he replied and smiled widely at you. He seemed very happy to have been granted ‘parole’, you thought.

As Billy drove off in the direction of his place - realising this produced a part-exasperated smirk on your face - you contemplated what a fucking awful, emotional, but ultimately good day you’d had.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

Someone else was stewing about precisely the same thing. Only without the good ending.

Dinah Madani had a furious scowl on her face as she put her SUV into Drive and pulled out into the traffic flow, following Billy’s car.

She’d just watched that whole little pantomime as he’d opened the car door for that woman, then leant in and obviously kissed her, although she hadn’t been able to actually see that from her vantage point a couple of cars behind his.

When she’d followed Billy from Anvil out to Chelsea earlier on, for the life of her she couldn’t figure out why he’d headed into a coffee shop, of all places. She’d discovered that she couldn’t see into the café from where she was parked, and didn’t want to break cover and walk over to the window in case Billy spotted her.

Then out he’d trotted, hand in hand with whoever this woman was - a waitress in a coffee shop? “Classy, Russo, very classy,” she said out loud, in a bitchy voice. She could ask him about it, she thought, but knowing him he’d more than likely tell her it was none of her business.

Well, she was going to make it her business to find out whatever she could about this apparent liaison of his. She pulled over and watched as his car disappeared into the underground carpark of his apartment block.

It could have some bearing on the case, she thought, trying to justify this course of action to herself.

She ignored that other little voice in her head which said to her that she was just plain jealous.

»»————————————-———-　⚜　———————————-————-««

@blackbirddaredevil23 @galaxyjane