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raybansandcoffee · 5 years

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Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Thirteen

You aren’t imagining this. This is a real chapter. Brand new. 10,440+ words in fact. It’s been a long process and an emotional one to write this chapter as well as the last few. I am excited to start chapter 14 which will be a MUCH lighter chapter. Happy things. Cute things. Not all of the emotions of this last section. Thank you for sticking with me while I took an extended break to take care of myself. At the beginning of November, I got sick with influenza b, bronchitis, and a sinus infection. After 3 rounds of antibiotics and 2 rounds of steroids, I am alive. I have been in the midst of a migraine from hell (today is day 16 in a row) so it’s been hard to sit at my computer for longer than a workday. But this week I did it. My word for 2020 persist. I’ve got a ‘Nevertheless, she persisted’ sticker on my planner and the full quote on the letterboard by my desk. This week I persisted and got this chapter DONE. And now I can go to sleep for the first time in 36+ hours (I didn’t sleep at all last night). I hope you enjoy this chapter.

If you need to catch up, want to refresh yourself on Chapter Eleven or read the entire story up to this point you can find it here.

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“You look really pretty, Mom,” Ellery said. She was sitting on the vanity in my bathroom as I curled her hair. Between myself, Frankie, Mandi, and Savannah we had four curling irons going in the bathroom to make sure Ellie, Ava, Aria, and Harlow had their hair done for today.

“Thank you, Ellie Belle.” I’d opted for a soft pink pleated maxi skirt that was very flowy thus making it very comfortable for today. It was the perfect shade to match my hair. Instead of opting for a fancy blouse I put on a white graphic tee that in black read ‘where words fail music speaks’ in a script font. It was a quote that Sam and I had painted on the wall in the lobby of our studio as it meant a lot to both of us. I knew she’d have loved that I was wearing this with a skirt and sandals today instead of being extremely dressed up. She would be even happier that I had tied a knot in it causing a slight bit of skin to be showing. I’d already done my own hair and makeup so I was completely ready. Our little beauty shop for little girls was the perfect way to relax this morning.

“You do look good, sis. The tee was a good choice,” Frankie said. “I was convinced you would decide today was a day for cut off shorts and a vintage band shirt so I’m rather impressed that we ended up with this. Where did you get that skirt?”

“I ordered it online from a boutique. I have it in three colors. I’ll send you the link.” I finished the final curl on Ellie’s hair. Her dark brown hair was the exact same shade as Sam’s. I’d spent my fair share of time curling Sam’s hair for a night out so doing this today and curling Ellie’s hair felt like second nature, even though we’d only done this a handful of times in the last year.

“Are all of you ladies decent in here?” Jeremy called from my bedroom. He walked in with his hands over his eyes.

“Dad!” Ava yelled as she giggled. “What are you doing?”

“Just wanted to check and make sure all of you were doing okay.” He smiled at me and I felt the butterflies in my stomach flutter.

“We are,” Frankie answered. “We actually have all of the little ones ready.”

“You have perfect timing, we just finished,” I said as I picked Ellie up off of the counter.

“And you all look beautiful. Grown-ups and tiny humans included.” We all started to file out of my bedroom. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Time with all of the girls this morning was helpful. Did you get Axel covered?” He’d offered to make sure that Axel was ready so that we could all have a little girl time this morning. He knew that I’d had a rough night and hadn’t slept well. Unfortunately, I’d had a nightmare, this time I didn’t wake up screaming but I did wake up in a panic. Having someone there with me to comfort me was completely different and helped me calm down and be able to go back to bed in less time than it normally takes.

“I did. He’s all dressed and ready for today in the outfit you’d picked out for him.”

“Thank you,” I replied before leaning in to kiss him now that my bedroom was empty. “I appreciate you a lot.”

“No worries. I’m happy to help. I have a good feeling about today,” he said.

“I’m glad one of us does. I have a pit in my stomach and feel like I might puke.” He hugged me to him, kissing the top of my head as he rubbed my back. “I’m sure it’s just the way last night ended and then the nightmare. It all adds up to me feeling on edge. I hate it.”

“You’ll be okay. You’ve got me. Then tomorrow is a day of rest and relaxation by the pool with Monday being my day to spoil you.”

“I am so ready for that.” He squeezed me tightly in a hug before we filed out of my room and down to the kitchen. The house was already busy with people. Everything from the catering staff to my family and friends running around. We’d have guests arriving within a half hour for today. It would last well into the evening as it was meant to be more of an open house rather than a sit-down dinner like last night. I made my way through the crowd of people to the pantry and my coffee pot. I made myself an iced latte in there with the door shut so I had a little quiet time.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize you were in here,” Alex said as she opened the door and found me with my head on the counter.

“It’s okay. I just haven’t had enough caffeine this morning so I thought I’d hide in here and make another coffee. Want one?” I asked.

“Sure,” she replied. I knew exactly how she took her coffee so as soon as mine came off of the pot I started to make hers. “You look tired.”

“I am. I had another nightmare last night. Thankfully it didn’t keep me awake as long as normal.”

“I wish you’d told me you were still having them.”

“I don’t like talking about it. Jeremy only knows because I was so tired from one a couple weeks ago that I didn’t even realize I was telling him. I just blurted it out.”

“Still, I wish you’d told me. I worry.”

“I know. It’s why I don’t really talk about it with anyone. No one needs to worry about me. It’s my life, it’s the hand I’ve been dealt. I’ll be fine.”

“How did Jeremy handle it last night?”

“Like it was nothing. I woke up panicked, thankfully not screaming, but as soon as I came out of the haze from the nightmare I started crying. He just held me until I fell back to sleep. He’s a great guy. I’m very lucky to have him in my life. He’s incredible and so kind.”

“I’m glad he was able to help.” She needed to give him a chance and put her own bullshit behind her but I was not going to make that suggestion today. I didn’t want another blow out with her, at least not today. Once her coffee was done I handed it to her and walked out of the pantry. My few moments of peace and quiet weren’t peaceful or quiet and I knew this was how the entire day would go. Maybe at some point, I’d get a chance to just breathe for a little while.

“You okay?” Jeremy asked as he snuck up beside me.

“As okay as I’m going to be. I’m going to wish I’d put booze in this coffee in a little bit.” Jeremy laughed before he placed a soft kiss on my temple.

“We will get through today and tomorrow and then it’s just us time.”

“I can’t even tell you how excited I am for that. Peace, quiet, and maybe a stiff drink or twelve.”

“You’ll get to drink tomorrow. I’ll make sure that you don’t have to drive.” I laughed. Before I knew it my driveway filled with cars and my house was inundated with people. It was a good thing I’d mastered the fake smile over the last year because it was getting a lot of work today. I wished I could just go hide behind a keyboard or guitar with my little brother. No one would talk to me there but this was my house, I was the host, hiding wasn’t allowed.

There were so many people. The estimate my sister had given me was a low ball, by a long shot. I don’t know if it was that people hadn’t RSVPed or maybe had last minute decided a weekend in Tahoe sounded fun. I don’t know what it was but there were a lot of people in my house. Jeremy had stayed by my side as much as he could but the number of times I’d had to introduce him to people was growing and I knew he needed a break so I told him to go play with the girls, which was where both of us would’ve much rather been. I went over to the bar, where my sister was standing.

“Need a drink?” she asked. I nodded.

“Desperately.” I turned to look at the bartender and ordered a drink. We’d had a lemon, lime punch with sweet sparkling white wine and vodka made in larger batches. It was a concoction that Sam had come up with when we were on vacation in Italy after our freshman year of college. She’d made it the signature cocktail of every birthday party, bridal shower, or basically any party since then. It wasn’t my normal speed but today it would have to do. We’d tamed down the alcohol content in it by leaving out the limoncello Sam usually added. We weren’t looking to have guests hammered but it wouldn’t have been a Sam party without it. Once I had my drink my sister and I walked away from the bar.

“I’m really sorry about how many people are here. I didn’t think there would be this many people here.”

“It’s not your fault. You were trying to help with this and wanted to make sure that anyone who wanted to be included was included. I appreciate you for this. It’s just a lot.” I glanced at the back deck of my house at the moment that he walked out the door. Dark jeans, tight white shirt with a blazer over it, looking almost exactly like he did the first time I laid eyes on him. “You invited him?” I asked as I turned to look at my sister, the panic of the approaching moment setting in.

“I swear I didn’t. Are you okay?”

“I have no fucking clue.” I took a gulp of my drink and a deep breath as he approached us.

“Charlie, Frankie, lovely to see you both,” he said as he hugged us both and kissed each of us on the cheek.

“Same to you,” Frankie replied. “I need to go check with the caterers on something. I’ll let you two catch up.” And with that my sister disappeared from the awkward moment leaving me alone.

“Hi,” I said softly. “I didn’t realize you were coming.”

“Did you not get my RSVP?”

“No, I didn’t manage the guest list. Look around. Do you think I had anything to do with this?” He laughed as I acted like Vanna White.

“You had nothing to do with this at all. I should’ve known.”

“Yeah, my idea was the dinner we had last night. This was all Frankie and Alex, the only part of the decision I made was that it was here instead of LA so that I didn’t have to travel with the kids this weekend.”

“The house looks beautiful. You’ve made some changes to make it more you.”

“Only small ones, though if my step-mom gets her way she’s coming back later this summer and redoing the entire thing. Everyone thinks that because it’s been a year I need to overhaul it, make it my house instead of theirs. I don’t know.”

“You’ll figure it out. You’re one of the most decisive women I’ve ever met. I am sorry that I didn’t call to tell you I was coming. I guess I mistakenly thought it was you sending me the invitation and that you knew I’d be here. It was wrong of me not to make sure my presence was okay.”

“Your presence is fine, welcome in fact. You were one of Michael’s best friends. It would be unfair of me to say that you couldn’t be here.”

“Still. It’s been almost a year. I should’ve called.” I looked into his blue eyes and saw sympathy and compassion.

“You’re fine, Patrick. I promise. It’s been almost a year. It’s in the past. We don’t need to rehash all of that. You deserve to be here as much as I do.” He didn’t, but he had become one of Michael’s close friends because of how long we’d been together. “How have you been?”

“Good. Almost done with my next novel and working on a pilot based on the series I’m writing. Netflix is interested in picking it up.”

“That’s awesome. They are great to work with. I just finished up the score for an original show and sent it off this week.”

“Congratulations. I’m happy to see you haven’t stopped composing.”

“It’s harder now than it used to be. Though this one I had some help.”

“Really?” Patrick asked. I’d only ever composed with Sam and he knew I had a very particular way of writing so finding someone to write with would be hard.

“Yes, Tony moved in with me earlier this summer and has been writing with me. Go figure, the kid gets himself through college to live in my guest house and write music with me like we did when he was in high school.”

“That’s great. He sounds great today.” He nodded towards where Tony was standing and playing guitar. I saw the look in my brother’s eyes as they locked with mine. He was worried. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Patrick in nearly a year. Despite our relationship ending for completely understandable reasons, it had been far from easy on me. I lost my life partner and my soulmate in the span of a few weeks. The man I was planning to spend the rest of my life with and the person who meant more to me than anyone else in the world. The two people who knew all of my secrets. Both of them gone, even though one was still here. I’d tried at first to text him, call him, email but it was too hard. My whole life became the kids and just trying to survive, he was moving on.

“He sounds great every day. It’s frustrating.” I laughed before taking another drink. That was when I locked eyes with Jeremy and smiled the big smile that he always elicited from me. He was dancing with both of the girls in their tutus and flower crowns.

“You’re smiling your special smile,” Patrick said. I turned to look at him.

“What special smile?”

“You have this smile. I’d see it when you were with your family, around Sam, and occasionally it would be directed towards me if I did something spectacular. You’ve got it on right now.”

“Really? I didn’t know I had a special smile.” I was trying to play it off. I knew what it was. I’d seen pictures of me with the stupid grin, usually at weddings or in the background of a photo when the kids were doing something great. I also knew why it was on my face today, seeing Jeremy with the girls all surrounding him made me so unbelievably happy, even on this horrible day.

“You’re still a terrible liar, Char.”

“You know I can manage to lie to some people, you can usually see through my poker face which is completely unfair. So how has life been outside of work? It’s been a year, are you dating?” He seemed stunned. “Oh come on, you know I’m not good at beating around the bush. Let’s just get the awkward out.”

“I was in a relationship with someone for a few months, it ended recently so I’m starting to get back out there. Just pretty focused on finishing up the pilot and proposal for Netflix.” I heard the giggles as they grew closer and looked down just in time to grab Ellery as she jumped into my arms.

“Mommy!”

“Ellie! Were you having fun dancing?”

“I was. Jeremy spun us in circles. Lots of circles.”

“Hopefully not enough that you’re gonna get sick.”

“No getting sick,” Jeremy answered. “I know better than that.”

“Hi Uncle Patrick,” Ellery said.

“Hello there, Ellie. How are you?”

“I’m good, Mommy let me wear a tutu and sequins but she wouldn’t let me wear my unicorn onesie. I would’ve been better if I was dressed like a unicorn.”

“Of course you would’ve. How unfair of Mommy.” I laughed and rolled my eyes at him.

“Patrick this is Jeremy.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jeremy said as he stuck his hand out to shake Patrick’s. He had Ava balanced on his hip in the exact same way I had Ellie on mine.

“Nice to meet you as well.” Patrick looked back to me and smiled. ”I am going to get a drink and go mingle. I’m sure I’ll see you in a little bit.”

“Of course. The whiskey you and Michael loved is behind the bar if you’d like some.” I smiled before he turned to walk away.

“Hey girls, why don’t you go over and play with Aria and Harlow,” Jeremy said. We both put them down before he grabbed my hand. “You okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Patrick is here? You didn’t tell me he was coming.”

“I didn’t know that he was coming until he walked out the door. Frankie didn’t invite him either so that leaves Alex. But it’s okay. He was one of Michael’s closest friends. It would be unfair to keep him from today, though warning about my ex-boyfriend walking into my house after nearly a year of radio silence would’ve been nice. Not that I should expect something like that. I’m sorry that I didn’t do a better introduction. I didn’t really know what to say. Just calling you my daughter’s best friend’s dad isn’t accurate and I don’t know that calling you my friend is either.”

“I am so not worried about that. Your ex knowing that we’ve gone on one date isn’t necessary. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine for now. Though trust me, when there aren’t a billion people in my house Alex is gonna fuckin’ hear it.” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know why she wouldn’t tell me other than it’s a way to manipulate me.”

“It’s all gonna be okay.” He squeezed my hand in his before kissing my temple.

“Thank you for being here. I know I sound like a broken record at this point but thank you, thank you, thank you.” He laughed.

“No need to thank me.” Within a few seconds the quiet moment we were having ended as I was pulled in a new direction. It was probably another hour of me feeling like a ping pong ball between guests. I needed a minute by myself. I need to have a second to just breathe. I snuck past guests making small talk like I needed to go to the restroom before sneaking into my studio, closing the door behind me. I walked over to the couch and laid down pulling the pillow over my face and screaming into it.

“Screaming into the pillow already? It’s still early, Char.” I moved the pillow to look at Patrick as he shut the door and came into the studio. I sat up so there was room on the couch.

“It’s not early. It’s day four of the hostage situation. My family showed up a day early to surprise me.”

“I’m sure that went over horribly,” he said laughing. “You don’t handle surprises well at all.”

“Nope, I don’t. They thought it would just be great.” I rolled my eyes. “And add to all the stress that when Alex and I got here we got into a full-on Real Housewives style screaming match it’s been a fucking banner week.”

“Which Real Housewives? Like were there tables flying Jersey style?”

“No, just insults and years of pent up anger. Very Beverly Hills.” He had watched a lot of Bravo with me over the years so this conversation made me laugh.

“Pent up anger? Let me guess, she’s not happy you’re dating an actor.” I am certain my eyes just opened wider than I’d thought humanly possible. “He was what prompted the smile, I’m not an idiot. You look really fucking happy despite today being the anniversary of the worst day of our lives.”

“I am really happy and it was totally about me dating an actor. Which like saying I’m dating an actor has the word dating doing a lot of work. We’ve been on one date which ended with him meeting my entire family in my kitchen because they thought showing up a day early was the best idea ever.”

“If he didn’t run after meeting your family you’re dating. Your Dad and Ryan still intimidate me all these years later, fuck Frankie scares me more than them combined.” I laughed again.

“He gets along with them. It’s great and scary all at once. He’s pretty amazing though. Ava, his daughter, and Ellie are best friends.”

“She calls you Mommy.” His eyes softened. The moniker was one we’d never imagined for me so to hear it was probably as much of a shock to him as it was me the first time. And while it had been startling it was the most wonderful sound I’d ever heard. I almost teared up just thinking about it, he looked like he might as well.

“She does.”

“You wear it well. I am really sorry about how things ended.” He was facing me on the couch. We’d spent thousands of hours of our life sitting on a couch in this position talking.

“You don’t need to apologize. If the reverse happened I would’ve left too.”

“You wouldn’t have. You’re the kindest and most giving person I know. If I’d ended up with two kids I wasn’t expecting you would’ve stuck by me. I wish I could’ve been strong enough to do that for you.”

“Don’t. It’s not the life either of us saw for ourselves. We didn’t see marriage or kids in our future. It was a shared desire. Me going and agreeing to take the kids if something happened changed that. Just because I said yes to being their Mom didn’t mean you had to say yes too.” I reached my hands toward him and grabbed his in mine. “Patrick, I haven’t felt any ill will towards you for the decision you made. Have I missed you? Yes, it was hard to lose you because I loved you and thought I’d spend forever with you. But my life changed, yours didn’t have to.”

“It did though. I’ve missed you. I tried to call, but it was too hard. Missing you wasn’t going to change our circumstance.” I felt a lump at the back of my throat. “You know why I didn’t want kids. I wish I could’ve been that person for you, for them, for us.”

“It’s okay. You needed to be you and I don’t blame you for a single second. I wish life had turned out differently for so many reasons. People look at me with sad eyes because I lost two of my best friends but in reality, I lost three.” He broke the eye contact we’d had and looked down at where our hands were still interlocked. “I tried to call too, but it felt unfair to us both. Like me calling to celebrate the things with the kids and the life, I’m living now would just remind you of the life we aren’t having because I said yes. I picked them over you.” I felt a tear escape and was immediately grateful that I’d opted for all waterproof makeup today.

“You did the thing you needed to do. Those kids are lucky to have you and honestly, motherhood looks really good on you. The kids are lucky to have you. Seeing how well you’ve taken to this role, I feel like I would’ve cheated you if I kept you from being a mother because I have unresolved issues from my childhood and didn’t want to be a parent.”

“You weren’t the only one with unresolved issues. Notice my mother is nowhere to be seen, partially because I told her not to come.” I laughed. “You know how this would’ve gone with, Stevie here.”

“Yeah, she’s safer to have stayed away. I ran into her about two months ago. She said you were doing well and that made me happy.” He paused for a minute, squeezing my hands in his. “I should’ve called.”

“The phone works two ways, Patrick. I could’ve called too. I am glad you’re here though. You were a huge part of my life for a really long time and you were my friend even before you were my boyfriend. At some point in our lives, I hope that we can work our way back to that but it might take a long time. The end of our relationship was traumatic and abrupt. It’s not like we gradually fell out of love with each other or one of us cheated. If we’d fallen out of love it would’ve made it easier, instead, it was just the circumstances of our lives. I never wanted to force you into parenthood with me. It wasn’t what you wanted and I didn’t want to do that to you. Things went the way they should have. It will all be better someday, it just won’t be the life we always pictured and that’s okay. I’ve learned that the new normal in my life is that the unexpected will always happen. I never imagined that our relationship would end even though we had our struggles. I never dreamed I’d be a mother to two kids or that I’d be doing any of this without Sam. I didn’t imagine I’d have my baby brother running away from home to come live with me. I didn’t imagine I’d meet a guy in the school parking lot. I was always the girl with everything possible planned out. The universe has other plans so I’ve stopped trying to predict what comes next and I’m working on just letting it happen.”

“That’s impressive for you. You are an over-planner. You’d give me lists of what I needed to pack for a trip a week in advance.”

“Because you’d throw clothes in a suitcase when we needed to leave for the airport in five minutes. You gave me so much anxiety.” We both laughed. I dropped his hands as it was starting to feel awkward that we were still holding hands.

“You really met him in the school parking lot?” I nodded. “That’s crazy. I mean you’re a hot mom so I’m not totally surprised.” I flipped him off. “What? You are hot. As you so eloquently pointed out, our relationship didn’t end because we fell out of love with each other. You’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve had the pleasure of knowing in my life, you becoming a mother didn’t change that.”

“Whatever. I’ve been the conductor on the Hot Mess Express for the last year. I was not looking my best the first time he and I talked. But he’s pretty great. Okay, this is weird, isn’t it? I shouldn’t be talking about it to you.”

“It is a bit weird. I mean I am happy you’re happy but it’s still weird.”

“Okay, then we should get back to this shindig that my sister and Alex planned before people notice that I’ve run off to hide from it.”

“We should.” As I stood up he pulled me into a hug. “I am so glad we talked.”

“Me too,” I replied. “You’ve been one of my favorite people for a long time. Someday life won’t be so weird and we’ll be old friends. Fuck, this summer I’ll be in LA we should grab a coffee. I can help you scope the hot chicks that hang in the coffee shops you write in.” He laughed. We’d met in a coffee shop when he was writing and I was taking a break from the studio. There were no tables left in the place and I needed somewhere to sit so he offered me the other chair at his table. I thought he was cute the first time I met him so I, of course, came back every day for the rest of the week and sat down at his table. He taught me about his rankings of LA coffee shops which were all based on the women that hung out in them, not the coffee. We were friends for a long time before we finally went on a date with each other and our relationship transitioned. At some point I was positive our relationship would be able to transition back but if we rushed it we could ruin any chance of it.

“I’d like that a lot. Someday I’m going to teach Axel about the coffee shop rankings.”

“Oh god help the world when that boy is old enough to date. He’s gonna be a heartbreaker I can tell. He flirts with every woman no matter where we are. He’s Michael to a fucking T.”

“I am so not surprised. I’m glad nature is winning there over nurture.” I slugged him in the arm.

“Honestly, so am I. I live with miniature versions of Sam and Michael. Ellery has Sam’s goddamn eye roll down. The first time she did it to me I was so blown away I couldn’t even discipline her for rolling her eyes at me when I told her she had to eat her dinner.” I opened the door and we both walked out of the studio before I shut and locked the door again. Once outside I made a beeline back to the bar and Patrick stopped to talk to one of the guys he and Michael hung out with that had come.

“Did you just come out of the house with Patrick?” Alex asked. I almost jumped because she’d snuck up on me, I had honestly been avoiding her since the coffee run-in this morning.

“Yes.”

“And?”

“And what?” I turned to look at her clearly not hiding that I was less than pleased with her at this very moment.

“Well, you haven’t talked in almost a year. Did it go well?”

“I mean as well as a conversation between former lovers can go in the middle of a party celebrating the death of their friends. It’s not like I jumped him in the house while everyone was out here. That’s not going to happen. We’ve both moved on.”

“Well, you haven’t moved on that much,” she said.

“I’ve moved on enough that it would be way out of bounds for something to happen between Patrick and I. Also, the situation of my life hasn’t changed and Patrick still doesn’t want to have kids so despite whatever scheme you dreamed up in your head based on some rom-com you’ve seen we will not be getting back together. I have kids, he doesn’t want them. I found someone who makes me happy and not only is okay with kids, he has one. He’s back to cruising coffee shops for dates. The end.”

“I just think it’s so sad that your relationship had to end.”

“So do I, which is why I don’t really want to relive it. I loved him, he loved me.” I saw her frown. “I know you think there’s some magical thing that’s going to make him change his mind the same way you thought someday I’d decided I wanted kids, which at that point in my life you couldn’t stand Patrick because you thought he was the person keeping me from joining your Mom group. It wasn’t him, it was both of us. My life has changed, I have the kids to worry about and I’m not willing to change his life and neither is he. Sometimes love isn’t enough and for us, it wasn’t. It’s time for you to come to terms with that. Also, I’m moving on with a wonderful man who loves kids, but more importantly, loves my kids. Patrick and I are never getting back together. Can you just be okay with that?”

“I guess.” I rolled my eyes.

“You guess? As a reminder, this is MY life, not yours. I’ve dealt with the heartbreak of losing him for nearly a year, I don’t want to relive it. You should have not only warned me that he was coming but also probably not invited him. It was rude and hurtful. He and I didn’t need to do that reunion in front of other people. You are a meddler and need to stop before you hurt me so badly that I just opt to never speak to you again.”

“You would never!”

“Try me,” I said. I wanted to dramatically storm away but I also wanted to get my drink. “This conversation isn’t over but I’m not having it with you while there are all these guests in my home.” I turned to order another drink and walked over to where Jeremy was standing with Ryan.

“I saw you and Patrick come out of the house together,” Jeremy said as he gently rubbed my back. “Did you have a nice talk?”

“We did. How did you know?”

“You hit that point that I knew you’d need alone time and as I went to walk towards the house knowing by your body language that you’d snuck in there I realized he caught it too. You haven’t talked in a year, I thought you might need that.”

“I did. Thank you for letting us have that moment. He said you’re braver than him because Frankie still scares the shit out of him.”

“I’m married to her and she’s scary sometimes,” Ryan said. “He also did get a black eye from her the last time he saw her so I’d be afraid if I were him.”

“True fucking story. I intend to never get on her bad side,” Jeremy added. “I’m glad things went well. They didn’t look like they went as well with Alex.”

“Oh, definitely not. She thought inviting him that somehow he’d forget that he wasn’t going to have kids, fall back in love with me and decide to spend forever with me and the kids. She’s delusional. She doesn’t know the whole story of why he doesn’t want kids, I do. It’s not changing. Not for me. Not for the kids. He loves Ellie, always has, but he doesn’t want to raise her. She was the one who always thought I’d change my mind and give up my no kids plan in life, she blamed it on him for a long time. So it’s funny that now she wants me to plot us getting back together like some bad romcom. It’s just her meddling like always.”

“I’m sorry. The end for you two wasn’t easy and her doing this has to be hard.” Jeremy’s eyes showed how much he meant the words as he said them.

“Thank you, it is hard. But it’s how it was supposed to go. I mean if it hadn’t you wouldn’t be here and you’re a pretty damn fun addition to my life.” I smiled at him.

“You’re gross.” Ryan reacted with fake vomit noises.

Eventually, the crowd started to clear out after every single moment of the day that was planned to happen happened. I knew in my mind I still needed to go spread what was left of their ashes. We’d had a small portion interred at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, it was oddly a favorite place of Sam’s. We’d seen so many movies and bands there over the years. She also loved to go get lost in the cemetery when she needed time alone. She figured that she wasn’t really alone if she was surrounded by dead people. I knew I wanted a physical place the kids could go to visit their parents as they got older but that it felt odd to not leave a little bit of them at their favorite place in the woods in Tahoe. Stevie in all her weirdness had discovered that you could make jewelry out of ashes which seemed weird and creepy but I went with it. We had something made for both of the kids, Sam’s parents, aunt, and cousin, as well as me, the women in my family, Savannah and Alex. It had surprisingly brought comfort to all of us, though I rarely wore the pendant that had been made using their ashes, I wasn’t there yet.

“Thank you, everyone, for everything you did today. It was a beautiful day that Sam would’ve loved and Michael would’ve tolerated for her. It was filled with love, people, cupcakes and rainbows, all her favorite things. The kids and I are so lucky to have all of you in our lives. We are also all lucky that you were okay with pizza delivery tonight because there was no way I had the energy to cook after today.” Everyone laughed. We were spread around the deck at various tables because there were too many of us for one and with the tent gone the big table that we all fit at last night was gone. It was amazing how fast the party got torn down and my house returned to normal. “Now everyone eat.” I slumped down into my chair and took a bite of my pizza.

“You seem to be doing better,” Frankie said.

“I am. It’s been a long few days. I’m ready to sleep for a day. I need a little peace and quiet.”

“You’ll get it before too long,” Jeremy said.

“I can’t wait.” I smiled. Alex and Max were sitting at the table with me, Jeremy, Frankie, and Ryan. My parents, brother and Savannah had opted to sit with the kids. I think secretly they were all hoping it would make Alex and I talk about what happened without a table full of people to get hit by any flying objects.

“What do you have planned for your recovery day?” Alex asked.

“She has nothing planned,” Jeremy answered. “Savannah and Tony are going to take all three of the kids and she’s going to have a day of quiet at my house. I told her that if she wanted the house to herself I’d take everyone at my place or she could have my place to herself. Currently, it looks like I’m going to be invited to recovery day.”

“You’re totally invited. You’re cute and willing to mix me drinks while I lay in a raft in your pool.” Everyone laughed. “I’ll probably just sleep though. It’s been a long week and I haven’t gotten much decent sleep. I just want to sleep and not worry that I need to wake up with Axel in the middle of the night or something. Sleep is a precious commodity these days.”

“That sounds like a dreamy day,” Max added.

“Right? It’s gonna be perfect.” I smiled as I replied.

“Did you get a chance to say goodbye to Patrick before he left?” Alex asked before taking a bite of her pizza. She was still meddling about this.

“I did. I’ve promised to call when I am in LA next so we can grab a coffee. But as a reminder, he and I will not be getting back together and it’s disrespectful to suggest that in front of Jeremy.”

“I wasn’t suggesting that. Just that you hadn’t seen each other and he snuck out as a lot of Sam’s family was leaving, I wasn’t sure if you’d had a chance to say goodbye.”

“I did. So you can stop asking.”

“I didn’t realize you’d invited him,” Frankie said. Here was my sister who enjoyed stirring the pot as much as Alex but was much sneakier.

“It just made sense. He and Michael were always super close. They had done some work together. I thought it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“It was,” Frankie answered. “I don’t disagree with that and clearly Charlie doesn’t either. It just seems so odd that you did it in such a secretive manner. His name didn’t appear on a single invite list. I never got an RSVP from him. You mentioned nothing about his attendance. Why?”

“I wasn’t sure how you’d react. You punched him the last time you saw him.”

“For good reason, I was angry. He was an easy target.”

“He didn’t deserve it,” I said. “He also didn’t deserve me being shocked that he was in my house. Next time you think you’re being Lindsay Lohan in Parent Trap think clearly through that and then don’t do it.” Everyone at the table, including Max, laughed. “He felt so uncomfortable at how you handled that. Yes, he and I needed to talk. Today was not the day it needed to happen. We are both hurt by the hand life has dealt us. How we proceed with our friendship is for us to decide, not anyone else.”

“He seems like a nice guy,” Jeremy said. They had gotten a chance to talk for a while and as he left Patrick told me that Jeremy seemed like a great guy and he was glad I’d found happiness. In fact, he sort of quoted Harry Potter as he said it. ‘I’m happy that in the darkest of times you found happiness. You remember to turn on a light.” It was perfect and made me smile. “I mean selfishly I’m glad he’s not in the picture anymore but he seemed nice enough.”

“He is nice,” I agreed. “Things just didn’t work out for us which left the door open for you and I am also pretty happy about that.” Jeremy smiled and because the kids weren’t able to see leaned over and kissed me softly. I looked back towards the table to see Frankie and Ryan both smiling. “Outside of being surprised at his attendance and the sheer number of people in my house it was a nice day. But I am going to say we are NEVER doing this again. A funeral and celebration of life were enough. I’m done. We can all choose to recognize or ignore this day in the future, however, each of us wants to proceed. But no more large gatherings. I’m over having to go through this.”

“Agreed,” Frankie said. “Today was perfect though. It’s just what they both would’ve wanted.”

Once we were done eating we got the leftover pizza put away in the fridge before cleaning up the kids and tucking them all in bed. After two long days and a lot of playing bedtime went easier than expected. The bigger kids all agreed to put on jammies and watch a movie in the theater before Savannah would put them in bed. I knew that Axel would likely be up in the middle of the night because his schedule was so thrown off today but that was okay. Today had gone relatively well and I’m glad he’d been there for the whole thing. We all ended up back in the living room and kitchen with the leftover punch, whiskey, and wine. The sun was starting to set, I knew it was time to go.

“Do you want any of us to go with you?” Frankie asked.

“No, I’m okay. This is something for me to do.”

“Are you sure? We can come with,” Alex said. I knew that depriving them all of this moment was selfish but I wanted to do it alone. In my head, I heard Sam tell me to not be selfish and to share this moment.

“I guess, you can come with. Both of you. We were her sisters, we should all be there.” I grabbed the two boxes with the remaining ashes from their hiding spot and walked out of the house with Alex and Frankie. I wanted to do this alone, I’d planned to do this alone and wasn’t really sure how to proceed with other people there.

“Do we need flashlights?” Alex asked. “It’s starting to get dark.”

“No, there’s enough light I can still see. It’s not too far really.” I lead the way through the trees on a path that had been well worn by Sam and Michael over the years. We came to a clearing that had a perfect view of the lake where a little bench sat.

“How did I not know this was here?” Alex asked.

“You didn’t like wilderness hikes,” I replied. I sat down signaling for them to each sit on one side of me. We watched the last of sunset in silence. “This was their favorite spot at their favorite time of day when they were here. I sneak out here sometimes when I need to be alone and talk to them. I feel them more here than I do anywhere else, it’s why I felt this was the perfect place to spread their ashes.”

“It’s a beautiful spot,” Frankie said.

“It is. That sunset was amazing,” Alex added.

“I had thought I’d get out here and have something thoughtful or inspiring to say. The only thing that comes to mind is that I miss them both so much. I’ve lived 365 days without them and yet it feels like it’s just been the longest day of my life and not a year.”

“Well if you normally talk to them here, talk to them,” Frankie encouraged. Alex nodded.

“Sam, Mikey, god I fuckin’ miss you. This has been the longest and hardest year of my life and I’m so angry that you weren’t here to live it with me. I hope that whatever you thought you saw in me as the person who was supposed to raise your babies was real. I’m not sure that I’m doing it right but I’ve never tried at something so damn hard in my life. We all miss you every day. Ellie becomes more and more like you every day Sam. She’s your spitting image and has your personality, I’m scared for what the rest of my life is going to look like. Michael, Axel is you in the best way. He’s sensitive and intuitive despite being a year old. He has the capability to stop me dead in my tracks and remind me to slow down, something only you had ever been able to do. Life without you is hard but we are doing the best we can. We sing show tunes and hair metal too loud. We watch nerdy movies. We have snuggle time. We tell each other how much we love each other every day. Everything I can do to give them a normal life, a life you would’ve given them I do. They are the best thing that ever happened to me and I love them so much. But fuck I miss you.”

“We all miss you,” Frankie said as she rested her head on my shoulder. “Watching Axel clap along to Happy Birthday without you both there sucked. Seeing how they are growing into themselves and developing personalities without you hurts all of us.”

“It’s been such a hard year,” Alex started before she paused. “Each holiday, special moment without you has been painful. I know that it will get easier to face those and we are lucky to all have each other but we aren’t the same without you.”

“Just so you know, Chucky is doing a great job being Mommy to those babies.” My sister’s voice cracked with tears. “She’s incredible. You made a great decision in leaving them with her. She watches out for them, cares for them, and lets them be whoever they want, just as you would have. Although today she wouldn’t let Ellie be a unicorn which Ellie told every person who came to the house. Seeing Axel and how bonded he is to her, it’s beautiful. I wish you had both been able to get to know him more, he’s an amazing little guy.” At that moment a cool breeze blew past us.

“We let Charlie decide where we were doing this. She said this is the place where she feels your presence most. I understand what she means by that now. There is a sense of calm here that in the life of chaos we all have is very needed. The view is beautiful, it will be a great place to spend eternity together. Wherever you are I hope that you’re together, happy, and watching over all of us,” Alex added. “We miss you.” I stood up from the bench and went to the spot in front of us that I wanted to spread their remains. I opened both of the boxes and looked down at the gray ashes.

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living. And above all, pity those who live without love,” I said. I poured the ashes out as a breeze came up from behind me and assisted me in spreading the ashes out farther. Frankie and Alex stood up as I closed the boxes and we ended up in a group hug. We stood there for a moment, all quietly crying knowing this was goodbye in a way that nothing else had been in the last year. We eventually wiped our tears away and headed back to the house.

“Why did you choose the Harry Potter quote?” Alex asked.

“By nature, we all fear death. But honestly, Michael never feared death, he was the person I knew that was most comfortable talking about it. Losing his parents as young as he did he always told me he related to Harry Potter in a way, only he was still waiting on his Hogwarts letter. One weekend Michael and I binge-watched all of the movies. Sam had gone home to visit her parents so it was just the two of us. We lived on the couch in sweatpants. He told me that was his favorite line in all of the books. That he didn’t fear death because even though he wasn’t sure what he believed in he knew that whatever came next would be wonderful and that even if it wasn’t he would die knowing he was loved. His parents loved him, Sam loved him, we loved him. That was all that mattered to him.”

“That’s beautiful. He was always sort of our Harry Potter wasn’t he?”

“He was, Alex. He was. I mean he never slept beneath a staircase but he got passed around his family and made to feel like he wasn’t worthy. Living through that knowing that his parents loved him even if they weren’t there and even if the places he lived weren’t filled with love. The way he loved Sam was something I aspire to. She was the first person since his parents that loved him unconditionally and so affectionately. That quote has stuck out to me for the last year so it just seemed like the most appropriate thing possible for today.”

“It was, sis.” We got back to the house and found everyone in the living room with drinks, snacks, a fire going and the TV on. I climbed into the oversized chair that Jeremy was occupying and rested my head on his shoulder.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, as hard as that was it was probably the best part of this weekend. It’s another step closer to them being completely at rest and maybe then I can find peace.” We were talking quietly as I didn’t really want to get into the whole conversation with everyone. Jeremy moved the blanket that was on the arm of the chair so it covered both of us. The weather had been so beautiful here all day but as the sun disappeared it got much cooler and I got pretty cold on the walk back. I rested my head on his shoulder and remained quiet until I felt my phone vibrate in my lap.

New Message from Patrick

It was good to see you today. I’m sorry I didn’t think to contact you in advance.

You are fine. I’m glad you were here. You were an important part of Sam and Michael’s lives. You will always be important to me and the kids. It was really good to see you.

It was good to see you too. You look happy, really happy.

I mean most days I’m a miserable old hag who is angry at the world for stealing the things she loved most. But happiness is starting to fill more and more of my days. It feels nice. Thank you for being there today. I have missed you.

I’ve missed you too. Call me when you get to LA. We’ll get together.

I will. Have a safe trip home. Do me a favor and text me to let me know you made it back. Okay?

I will. Keep doing what you’re doing, Char. Whatever it is, you’re doing great.

I smiled as I slid my phone back into my lap under the blanket. I rested my head back on Jeremy’s shoulder and felt his lips press a soft kiss into the top of my head. This day couldn’t have been any crazier. He met my ex-boyfriend and handled Alex trying to rekindle the love I had with Patrick in a manner that I never could’ve handled. I had a short fuse and a temper that no one deserved to deal with, even when they were the focus of my anger. He’d somehow not walked out on today. I turned to face him and kissed his cheek.

“Did you know that you’re amazing?”

“I mean, yeah of course I do. Just wait, you don’t even know how amazing I am yet.” I giggled a little bit knowing he was trying to flirt.

“I can’t wait to find out…when all of my family is not in the same house as us.” He laughed almost a little too loudly drawing some attention to us. People quickly went back to their conversations.

“I really have come to love your family but I am also counting down the minutes until they leave Tahoe. They sort of threw a wrench in the whole getting a second date in a timely manner thing.”

“They really did. They’ve always been good at cramping my style.” We all stayed up later tonight than we had the previous nights and all drank a little more than we had the previous nights. Knowing that tomorrow was just a pool day made us all a little more relaxed. It was finally around 1:00 when Jeremy and I crawled into bed. I was fearing that Axel would be awake in about an hour and knowing that Savannah needed to sleep as much as I did I told her she wasn’t allowed to wake up if he did.

“You did great today, babe,” Jeremy said as he pulled me into him, my head resting on his chest.

“Thank you for your help and support. It was a fucked up day for so many reasons. I feel like I need to apologize for the whole Alex/Patrick thing. I didn’t see that coming at all.”

“It’s probably good that it happened here. It was on your turf. He saw you with the kids. He was able to see that you’re doing well and happy.”

“He got to see us together.”

“I mean that’s nice, but not necessary. I want him to see how capable you are of doing this on your own. I can only imagine how hard that break up was on you both. To know he made the right decision for himself and for you has to feel good for you both.” God, Jeremy was so fucking reasonable. Most men I’d dated would NOT have handled today with the grace he did. Fuck, Patrick would’ve gone ballistic on Alex for inviting an ex to something to try and fuck with our lives. Jeremy handled it in stride.

“It was good for both of us, though admittedly very hard. I appreciate you not being jealous or anything. Patrick would’ve been so you handling today the way you did remind me of the not so great part of our relationship and how this, whatever is happening between us, how much more natural it feels.”

“There’s no need to get jealous. I’m the one that gets to see you in the old USC t-shirt tonight.” He leaned in and kissed me. I felt it like a jolt of electricity shooting through my body. My toes curled and my heart raced. The newness of everything was great but it didn’t matter how many times he’d kissed me like this, each of them felt like the first time, possibly better.

“I am so excited to not be in a house this full.” Jeremy laughed.

“You do know I was just kidding. We can move at whatever speed you feel comfortable. You set our pace. You’re the one going through all of this from a new place in life.”

“I appreciate that. You’re very kind. You’re also very hot and I very much want a house alone. No kids.” I leaned in to kiss him. “No siblings.” I kissed him again. “No parents.” I laughed this time. “Fuck, I feel like a teenager. This is my house and I just want them out so that I can get handsy with the hot guy.”

“Monday. It’ll be here before you know it and we’ll have my house all to ourselves.” There were a few more kisses before we drifted off to sleep. Tonight it wasn’t a nightmare that woke me up or an unsettling feeling, it was the baby monitor from Axel’s room. I turned the volume down a bit and snuck out of bed. I tiptoed through the house down to his nursery.

“Axel Christopher, what are you doing awake?” He giggled as I walked over to the crib where he was standing up holding his blanket. I picked him up and started to dance around the room with him on my hip. “You just didn’t get your normal nap today and you’re just exhausted to the point you can’t sleep aren’t you, buddy?” This was a normal occurrence when I’d come in here at night. I’d talk to Axel knowing that the response I would get would maybe be babbling or giggling. Never actual conversation but I didn’t baby talk him at night. We just talked.

I went over to where the stereo in Axel’s room sat. I’d canceled the cell phone plans that Sam and Michael had but kept their phones. Sam’s was in Ellery’s room to play music on for her and Michael’s was in here. I’d made sure that every one of the playlists they’d made for the kids was still on here. I hit play on the playlist Michael made for Axel when he found out they were having a boy. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers filled the room. I started to sing along to ‘Learning to Fly’ as I danced around the room with Axel. Nights like this I hate that this kid needed to dance to fall asleep. I just wanted to crawl in the rocking chair and hold him. Partway through ‘With or Without You’ by U2 I turned to see Jeremy standing in the doorway.

“What are you doing up?” I asked quietly as Axel had finally drifted off to sleep in my arms.

“I woke up to you gone and your voice singing INXS through the baby monitor.” He was whispering at the same level I was.

“Yeah, Axel woke up. He’s finally back asleep though.” I went over to the crib and laid him down. I had managed to not wake him up. I felt arms wrap around me and Jeremy’s chin rest on my shoulder. We stood there for a moment in silence both staring down at Axel. “How is it that someone so small can hold so much of my world in their little body?”

“It’s the miraculous part of parenthood. Eventually, he’ll grow up to be the girls’ age and you’ll miss these moments. They want to snuggle less. They disobey more. They aren’t calmed just by the sound of some ‘80s rock songs. Enjoy this while you can.”

“I definitely am. Ellie snuggles more than I know the average kid her age does but she’s had some major trauma in her life.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Axel makes me miss the little phase.”

“Axel is an enigma. I want him to grow up because diapers suck, middle of the night shit like this sucks. But he’s this tiny little person that has relied on me for everything for so long and someday he’s not gonna need me and I hate that idea. It has to be so much harder when they are biologically yours.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Jeremy says. “You’ve protected him through more than most parents, biological or otherwise, have to in the first year. Most of us just hope they eat, sleep and grow. You had to make sure he ate, slept, grew, and survived losing his parents before he was even a month old. You’re one of a kind, Charlie.” I leaned my head towards his so mine rested on his. “You ready to leave him?”

“Yeah,” I replied. We’d been standing here in the quiet watching him sleep for at least 10 minutes. I was exhausted, I knew Jeremy was exhausted and that Axel wouldn’t likely wake up until morning. It was safe to leave him. We quietly made our way out of Axel’s room and back up to my bedroom. Jeremy climbed in bed and I followed, burying myself in his arms. I took a few deep breathes in and out. A year ago I had crawled into bed at my Dad’s, unable to sleep and proceeded to not sleep for several days. Tonight, it was much easier to fall back to sleep. I was safe, I was happy, and I knew that the world wasn’t going to come crashing down any minute. Today, we all took a big step towards finally finding the peace we all needed. That peaceful feeling started to wash over me, calming me with each deep, cleansing breath. I would never feel completely whole again but I was moving forward and that was all I could ask for.

**********

Okay.

That chapter was a lot.

I know.

It was far from easy to write. It was another one where I found myself crying while I wrote it. But I wanted the emotions to be fully expressed. I wanted to allow Charlie to feel the day, the good and the bad of it. Oh and how there were both.

Okay, first things first. The big surprise of this chapter. The appearance of Patrick was not something Charlie was expecting, clearly. For those curious, Patrick is Tom Hiddleston. I mean he’s hot, he’s got a great accent and I never imagined Patrick being American. I feel like their reconciliation with each other was something that Charlie needed to be able to fully move on. He was an important person to her, despite the faults they both had in their relationship she loved him and intended to spend forever with him. Losing her two best friends and the love of her life in one swoop was a lot for her to take on. Reconnecting with Patrick and building that friendship back up will be a big part to her fully healing and being able to have a healthy relationship in the future.

The first scene in this chapter was something I could picture in my head and made me smile. All of these women in the bathroom with these little girls getting them ready for a party that was meant to be fun while still being a very solemn and sad experience. Charlie allowing herself to forget about impressing people and just embrace herself for who she was at that moment. To remember that ‘where words fail, music speaks.’ That’s a quote that has stuck with me throughout my adult life. I am clearly good with words but sometimes, when I struggle to find them, I can find a song that perfectly encapsulates the moment or feeling I’m trying to express. Music is beautiful in that way and it’s something that Charlie clearly believes in.

Alex continued to sir the pot throughout this chapter. I partially believe that she is incapable of allowing people to just live their lives, that she constantly believes that she needs to guide people to the path she knows is right, even when it’s not. It was big of Charlie to allow her to go into the woods with her at the end of the day. To see the way she still communicates with Sam and Michael. I can tell you if I were in Charlie’s shoes I wouldn’t have been that kind. I have friends (and family) that believe they know what I need better than I do. Hell, today I had a family member (my step-mom’s step-mom) tell me I needed to keep cooking so I could find a man to cook for. When I replied that I didn’t need a man she acted like she knew better. While my step-mom is 100% my mother and I openly speak about the wonderful relationship I have with her, the relationship she has with her step-mom is not like ours, which makes the statement even more ridiculous because the woman who said it isn’t really a part of my life and has no idea what she’s talking about. I had a traumatic 2019, partially because of the last relationship I was in. I prefer life alone. Do I miss the companionship of a man occasionally? Sure. Do I miss sex? Yes. Do I “need” anyone in my life? Absolutely not. I’m fiercely independent and have no desire to get married or have babies. I’m Charlie where she was before Sam died. I quote Gloria Steinem, I rant about how societal pressures on women to procreate and care for men are ridiculous. I am not the girl who is ever going to be the domestic housewife for a man. There are a lot of Alexes in my life. Today I was reminded of that so I felt I needed to channel some of my feelings into Charlie. Her opinion on her life or Patrick’s never changed, her situation did. If I was put in her shoes, I don’t know that I’d have been brave enough to say yes.

Jeremy and Charlie’s relationship development makes me so happy. They still aren’t at a point where holding hands and kissing in front of the kids is a thing they are doing. They are still keeping things secret from some people. But that ‘special smile’ has shown up for him. She’s happy and enjoying it. She’s allowing herself to be happy, knowing that just because Sam’s life ended it doesn’t mean hers has to either. I am so proud of how she stood up for Patrick and his feelings to Alex. That she wouldn’t dream of bullying him into reconciling with her and rekindling their relationship because it is altering the life he dreamed of for himself. But more important than that, she’s found someone who wants the same things in life that she does, which makes the idea of a relationship with Jeremy that much more appealing.

Chapter 14 I promise will be fun! No tears. No emotional Harry Potter moments. 14 will be much MUCH happier. For everyone. And we are getting close to Charlie’s recovery day with Jeremy which could end up a lot sexier than her sleeping the entire day. We need to stay tuned and see how things go!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and can’t wait to hear from you. If you have questions, comments, concerns, or any criticism (be gentle - writing about the grief process is still very hard for me as the death of my grandfather is still completely fresh and the wounds are still very much open) I’m happy to accept it. I’d love to hear your favorite part or what you’re looking forward to. Thank you for allowing me to take the time I needed to get through this chapter. I hope that the time between 13 and 14 is much shorter.

Thanks so much!

XO. Annie

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raybansandcoffee · 5 years

Text

Adventure of a Lifetime: Chapter Twelve

First things first, I am so so so sorry about how long this has taken. I can’t thank you enough for your patience. I was diagnosed with influenza b, bronchitis, and a sinus infection at the beginning of November. I got sent home with an antibiotic and antiviral. I could not get better. So it was a second round of antibiotics and steroids after that. I spent 3.5 weeks sick. I have a couple of chronic health conditions that make my immune system suck so getting better from something like that may take the average person like 3-5 days. It takes 3-5 weeks for me. Most of that I was in bed and working in short spurts when I could function upright. Thankfully I work for myself so I could structure my life that way. I also did a little editing and writing on another story I was writing years ago about the Jonas Brothers to try and give some happy breaks in the day for a friend who is going through some unimaginable stuff with her family. My friend means the world to me and this story has always made her happy so if me writing more of it could give even a few moments of quiet while processing things it was worth it. So this took a backseat and I hate that. Thank you so much for sticking with me. To thank you this is a really long chapter. Over 12,500 words, so hopefully you enjoy it.

If you need a refresher or haven’t read first the first eleven chapters they are HERE.

As a warning there is a description of Charlie’s experience the weekend Sam and Michael die in this chapter. If you think this might be triggering to you emotionally you can skip over the email in this section. If you need someone to talk to after reading it please contact me. I’m always willing to listen and help you find resources if you need them.

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“Ava is Ellery’s best friend. I’ve told you about her. This is Jeremy, Ava’s Dad,” I answered. There was an awkward silence before Jeremy dropped my hand that was still behind my back and extended it to shake Alex and Max’s hands.

“Hi, I’m Jeremy Renner. It’s nice to meet you both,” he said. I glanced over at him and he didn’t look like he had when he met anyone in my family. He wasn’t smiling his brightest smile, it was a more subdued smile. I mean I don’t blame him because he was meeting Alex for the first time and none of us had glowing reviews of her before her arrival. Well, hopefully, it was that. If it wasn’t it was because I had introduced him as Ava’s Dad, which was a truthful description of him but not a full description. It left out what he meant to me and the kids.

“Nice to meet you, Jeremy,” Max replied. Alex looked from Jeremy to me and back again.

“You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?” Alex asked.

“I’ve maybe been in a movie you’ve seen before but other than that I don’t think so. I live in LA part-time but I don’t recognize you, so I’m going to go with it was probably a movie.”

“Mom, he’s Hawkeye in the Avengers movies that the twins love,” Savannah jumped in to add.

“Oh of course. I thought maybe you were a friend from USC that I didn’t remember. Charlotte hung out with a lot of interesting people that I didn’t know very well.”

“Charlotte?” I asked raising an eyebrow. “Since when do you call me Charlotte?” I knew when she called me Charlotte. It always meant a lecture was coming. She turned to look at me and I almost felt myself shrink back into the 18-year-old college student who was slightly afraid of my new roommate. I mean I eventually moved beyond being afraid of her all of the time and we became friends but that first like month of school was a nightmare. The rest was just mostly a nightmare because she was pregnant and hormonal.

“I wasn’t sure if Ellery’s friends’ parents knew you as anything other than Charlotte.” The parents at the boys’ school all knew her as Alexandra. She forced her students to call her Dr. Barrett-Gladstone. Only a few select colleagues and friends called her Alex.

“They mostly all know me as Charlie or don’t know me at all. You know usually that peopleing isn’t one of my greatest skills.” Jeremy started to laugh, his real normal laugh.

“You aren’t good at peopleing, really ever.” I punched him in the bicep and then shook my hand.

“Ouch,” I mumbled.

“You know better,” Jeremy said as he scrunched his face at me and I scrunched mine back. At this moment I wanted to kiss him, but I also wanted to live to see the lunch I knew was waiting in the kitchen so I didn’t.

“Hey, you two.” THANK YOU, FRANKIE! My sister had perfect timing, coming over to hug Alex and Max so that this awkward moment could end. “Did you have a nice flight? Do you need me to help you get settled? Oh, you’ve met Jeremy right? He’s the absolute greatest.” She didn’t even pause to take a breath and let anyone answer.

“Yes, we met Jeremy,” Alex answered very matter-of-factly. I saw Frankie’s chipper face soften.

“Let me take you to get your luggage settled and everything. We’ve got you downstairs. There’s room for you and the boys. With Dad and Mandi being here plus Jeremy and Ava are staying here this weekend we had to do a little moving around. Sorry, you don’t have your normal room, Alex. I’ve got Frankie and Ryan in the suite above the garage because Carter is sleeping in the office. We are experiencing a little bit of sleep regression with Axel so I didn’t want any of the kids to stay in there with him.”

“Understandable,” Max said. “We are fine with the rooms in the basement. There’s a lot of space down there.” I went into the house with Frankie and Alex following me, thankfully Jeremy stayed to keep Max occupied knowing I’d need a moment alone with my sister and Alex. Judging by Alex’s facial expression through this entire conversation we were preparing ourselves for an uncomfortable conversation. We made small talk while we walked into the house, got their bags and headed down to the rooms I’d picked for them. I was a little nervous, it was the two rooms in the house that shared a bathroom, though to be honest there was another bathroom in the basement that had an outdoor entrance because of the hot tub.

“So Jeremy isn’t just Ellery’s friend’s Dad is he?” Alex asked.

“No, he’s not. We are friends.” Frankie glared at me. “And we’ve been on one date.”

“He was the hot single dad who invited you over for a pool day?” I nodded. “And you felt that it was appropriate to hide his identity from me?”

“Well, based on experience I felt it was best to wait until there was a reason to tell you about him. There wasn’t really a reason until Wednesday. We went on our first date that night.”

“They also arrived home to all of us here,” Frankie said. “So she really hasn’t had a chance to tell you about it. But she really seems happy. Like super happy.”

“I am happy.”

“What do you mean based on experience?” I knew I shouldn’t have said that. I’m an incredibly honest person and sometimes, with Alex, honesty is not the best policy because it creates disagreements.

“Jeremy is an actor, musician, and producer. His life is very much based in the Hollywood scene you so openly despise. I’ve watched how you treated Savannah’s dad her entire life, you were hard on Michael for so long and honestly, you’re the only person who has ever asked me when I’m going to grow up and get a ‘real’ job as if my career isn’t real because it’s part of Hollywood. Jeremy’s career makes him a second-class citizen to you and I didn’t want the judgment about it until there was a reason to judge. He also doesn’t deserve your judgment.” She opened her mouth like she was going to speak and I held up my hand signaling that it wasn’t her turn yet. “He’s a great Dad, an incredible friend, and has been there for me through the hell I’ve been reliving the nightmare that this week is. He didn’t judge me, my kids or my life. He embraced us for the wild, crazy, feral family we are. He’s offered help to not just me but to my kids, my brother and your daughter. For the first time in a year, someone has made me actually enjoy my life beyond what is required of me. The last year of my life has been literal hell, he doesn’t judge a bit of my crazy and is trying to help me out of that hell. He is the first person in a year that doesn’t look at me with sad eyes, worry that I’m going to crack under the pressure, or judge my every single decision. He knows that I’m doing the best I can and wants to be here to help me do that. I couldn’t ask for a better person to have magically fallen in my lap.” Frankie smiled.

“I’ve treated Savannah’s Dad like crap because he’s a piece of shit. He left me with that baby and didn’t look back.”

“Except the thing is he left you, he didn’t leave her. Did you know that he calls her every day? Or that he’s come to stay with us every other month for a long weekend since she moved so he could see her? Did you know that he sends me money every month to help pay for Savy’s part of the utilities? Did you know that he called me to ask if it was appropriate for him to come this weekend? She’d called to invite him because he is part of her support system and this is a hard weekend for all of us, including your daughter. You have done everything you could to sabotage the relationship between your daughter and her father because you are bitter that he left YOU. He didn’t want what had been a friends with benefits relationship to become an unhappy marriage just because you couldn’t figure out how to properly take birth control.” Frankie’s eyes bugged out of her head. I was fairly certain I saw steam escape from Alex’s ears. I’d never actually expressed my feelings on Alex’s treatment of Savannah’s Dad. It hadn’t been my place but her transferring her anger towards him to every other man who happened to work in Hollywood was my business.

“Tell me how you really feel, Charlotte.”

“I hate when you call me Charlotte. You do it in a condescending manner like I should use my grown-up name instead of still pretending I’m a kid and letting people call me Charlie or Chucky. You have spent every day of your life since you met me looking down your nose at me because I don’t behave properly, I didn’t see the value in the life I could’ve had if I'd opted for law school instead of music. I still dress like a kid and wear shorts that are too short and need to purge my wardrobe and dress appropriately for a woman of my age. Every man I’ve ever dated was a piece of trash or not good enough. You don’t get to do that to Jeremy because he doesn’t deserve that. He’s a good man. One person doesn’t mean an entire industry of people are trash. I mean you were a complete and utter bitch to Michael for the first six months that he and Sam were together. You never really got much better either. I don’t honestly even know why you feel like you need to be here. You were so harsh to both of them. They weren’t raising their kids right. They weren’t living life the way they needed to. They didn’t do the right things. You sent me a text message ranting about how you couldn’t believe that they were going out on a date to celebrate their anniversary instead of staying home with their three-week-old baby. Imagine if they had stayed home the destruction that could’ve happened? You had to judge them for wanting to celebrate how much they loved each other because you were jealous. But worst of all, you are still so angry that they left those kids in my clearly incapable hands when you were the obvious choice.”

I was almost crying by now. I hadn’t brought up to anyone the text she sent me. She’d been surprised to find out I was watching the kids when she text me that night. I told her that I had them overnight so that Sam and Michael could celebrate, she felt it was so inappropriate, they needed to be home caring for their baby not allowing me to take care of them. I still wasn’t sure which way she felt, that I was incompetent with children and shouldn’t have them or that they were being irresponsible by having a life. Frankie came to stand beside me and grabbed my hand in hers squeezing it.

“You clearly have been harboring that anger for quite some time.” Alex was ticked but she was trying to stay calm. She always told me my temper was unattractive and part of the reason I was single, when I was in a relationship she claimed she didn’t know how Patrick put up with it.

“You think? You’ve always acted like you were better than me. I’m fairly certain I got laid more freshman year than you did but only one of us ended up pregnant. So Miss Perfect, how do you explain that?”

“Alright you two, stop this arguing. Tensions are high. You’re both grieving this weekend and grief takes different forms. Clearly right now Charlie’s is anger and well, I don’t know what your form is Alex but either way you two need to stop. This is the absolute last thing that Sam would’ve wanted. For whatever reason, she loved you both and sometimes I question her sanity because you both drive me crazy occasionally.” To the rescue came Mandi. She was even laughing which was helping to break the tension a little bit. “Alex you were up early to fly here and had to wrangle the twins and that husband of yours through LAX which is always a stress-producing experience. Charlie, you are being defensive and we both know that’s not a good thing. You have guests in your house and a man who appears to be falling for you by the second waiting outside to finish decorating for dinner. Don’t blow it by showing him that your Italian temper can make you a wee bit of a bitch sometimes.” Now I was laughing. Alex smiled like she’d won. “Alex, wipe that smirk off your face. You aren’t free of guilt in this situation. You have harbored a grudge against people for what you perceive your ex to be and that’s not fair, especially to your friends and Jeremy. It’s going to be an emotionally charged weekend and we are only a few hours away from all of Sam’s family arriving in from Reno for dinner. So take a few minutes each to calm down, get your shit together and stop being bitches to each other. While we all know that Sam secretly enjoyed watching the debates between the two of you she’d hate to see you doing that this weekend. This weekend is about loving her, remembering her, and celebrating her, not about you two and this petty nonsense.”

“Fine,” I replied. “I’ve gotta go shower anyway.” I turned and walked out of the room. I heard Alex start to bitch about something only to be shut down by my stepmom and sister. I was still angry and still about two seconds away from crying. I was also thanking the vacation gods that the whole plan for Alex and her family to stay here for 10 days had been canceled by a speaking opportunity at a conference for Alex. I don’t think this would’ve been a great start to a 10-day vacation.

“You okay,” Jeremy asked when I made it to the bottom of the stairs. He was sitting on them and clearly had heard everything I’d just screamed at my friend. I shook my head no. “Let’s go upstairs. You can shower and vent. Ok?” I nodded. He took my hand and I helped him up off the stairs. We went up to my bedroom and as soon as the door shut the hyperventilating started as the tears streamed down my face. Jeremy pulled me into him hugging me tightly. “Breathe. Deep breaths.”

“I can’t…I can’t…I can’t breathe.” Without thinking twice about it he picked me up and carried me over to the bed and laid me down before laying beside me. He wrapped his arms and legs around me, his entire body enveloping mine like a burrito. I sobbed, openly for a while. I was finally able to start breathing deeply again. Eventually, the tears stopped and I just laid there trying to avoid thinking about the fact that I’d just had a panic attack. I knew having everyone in my house was going to be hard, but I didn’t imagine it like this.

“Are you okay now?” I shook my head. “Still need to cry?”

“Maybe, but I need to shower more than that.”

“What happened?”

“I maybe exploded. It was like 18 years of pent up anger and anxiety that just erupted out of me like I was fucking Vesuvius and wanted to murder everything in my path. It was not my best moment but she can be such a flaming bitch sometimes. I am surprised I couldn’t remain composed a little bit longer.”

“Well from what I heard you clearly needed to say what you said. Do you feel better?”

“A little, though now I’m positive the rest of this weekend is going to fucking suck worse than it was already going to.”

“I’m here with you every step of the way.”

“I really am grateful for that. But I need to shower so you need to get out of here for a few steps of the way.” He laughed at me before leaning down to kiss me, a kiss I felt all the way to my toes. The anxiety that had just ripped through my body really wanted its drug of choice, which was sex but this was a completely inappropriate time for that. So instead I kissed him a little bit longer before kicking him out, turned on music and sat down at my laptop at the desk in my bedroom.

**********

To: Samantha Madigan

From: Charlotte De Luca

Subject: One Year…

Sam,

Today is the day I’ve been dreading.

I’ve never told you what that day was like for me. I was sure if there was a way that you could find out you’d already know. But it’s time that I tell you.

A year ago you were stolen from me. It’s been a year since I really knew what it felt like to breathe. I relive that night and day over and over and over again, mostly in the form of nightmares. I remember listening to you go through the instructions you’d written for me about Axel’s feeding schedule, sleep schedule, and the lecture about giving too much sugar to Ellery because the next day was a big day and she needed her sleep. The next day you’d be getting up, dragging me around town and planning the following weekend which was Axel’s big Welcome to the World party; a party that never happened, well at least not in the way you planned. Michael and Patrick were goofing off, telling you I knew how to take care of the kids and that you’d be late for your reservations. You did end up late but the restaurant of course was so excited to see you two and celebrate your 7th anniversary with you that you were seated anyway.

The kids were perfect. Axel fell asleep on my chest on the couch that night. Ellery did eat too much candy, but she still slept like an angel, shockingly. I had gotten up to feed Axel when he started crying. You’d warned me about the middle of the night feedings. It was 2:08 when the knock that changed my life echoed through the apartment. I had Axel in my arms and went to the door. It had to be a drunk person at the wrong door, at least that’s what I thought. Then I looked through the peephole to see two LAPD officers. The knock woke Patrick up from his dead sleep in our bedroom. I opened the door as he came into the living room, he was just in his boxers and a little embarrassed by that when he realized I’d opened the door to two police officers. You’d have laughed at him. He turned so red.

“Are you Miss Charlotte De Luca?” asked the officer with the darker hair. “I am,” I replied a little nervous. “May we come in, we need to talk to you in private,” the second officer said. I opened the door more as they came in and shut the door behind them. “Miss De Luca, there’s been an incident at 902 Walsh Boulevard this evening. We believe that right around midnight Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpatrick arrived home in the middle of a home invasion. Neighbors called 911 at 12:04 reporting gunshots. We arrived at the home at 12:11. There was no suspect in the home at the time and both Mr. and Mrs. Fitzpatrick had been shot multiple times. We pronounced them dead at the scene.” I don’t think Patrick has ever moved so fast. He took Axel from my arms as I dropped to the floor. The room filled with the most blood curdling scream, after enough of the nightmares I’ve discovered that the scream was mine and what woke Ellie up.

The officers told me that the home was still a crime scene and I wouldn’t be able to get inside until the next day. They were going to need me or a family member to go to the hospital at 9:00 in the morning to identify your bodies. I was listed as your emergency contact in both of your phones and on your medical records because you didn’t have family in LA. As soon as the police officers gave Patrick all of the information he’d need he packed up the kids’ stuff, got me changed, and we headed down to the parking garage. You’d left your Mercedes with us in case we needed to take the kids anywhere, that way we didn’t have to fuck with car seats. I hadn’t said a word since I stopped screaming. I remember hearing Patrick on the phone with my Dad. He explained what happened and that we were in the car headed to his house. By the time we arrived Frankie and Ryan were both there having left the kids with Stevie.

I was numb, a feeling that honestly lasted for weeks. I still feel pretty numb most days. I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t. Every time I tried to close my eyes I imagined the police officers standing at my door. Dad spoke with the officer who had left his information with Patrick in the morning before sending us to the morgue. The police agreed to let us into the house to get things for the kids. Mandi and I got in the car with just enough time to arrive at the hospital at 9:00. Frankie had gone home to get the kids. Dad and Ryan were busy pulling up your latest will, your asset information, and anything else we’d need. Patrick went home to get me some clothes and make sure that everything your Mom and Dad would need when they got into LA was ready.

I will never forget how cold the morgue felt. The police officer with the dark hair was there again. He went with Mandi and I to identify your body and Michael’s. I had tried to convince Mandi not to come with me but she didn’t want to leave my side. You didn’t look like yourself, even though I knew it was you. Your skin was ashen. The glow you always had was gone. You didn’t ooze sunshine and rainbows anymore. You were gone. So was Michael. They told me he had been shot more times than you. He tried to fight the intruder and they believed the intruder would be easier to find than it could’ve been because Michael was able to wrestle with him long enough that he was shot, they believed in the arm. It was likely that he would require medical attention and they were able to get enough DNA to identify him. Information was sent to every hospital on the west coast and every police department in the country. It was nice to hear though it brought no comfort as I stared down at your body. All I wanted to do was shake you awake. You had to just be sleeping, but you weren’t.

What happened next is what haunts me, literally. I wake up most nights screaming when I get to this part. Mandi pulled up to your house, an officer at the end of the driveway stopped us and asked to see IDs. He radioed to another officer and then let us in. Your car was in the driveway, a door standing open where the intruder had opened it hoping to get it hot-wired to leave in it. He wasn’t able to and left on foot or in a getaway car, they weren’t sure. We walked in the front door to find LAPD employees everywhere. It was like a scene straight from Law and Order, I was waiting for Ice T to enter the room, it would’ve shown this was a joke because how obsessed you were with the show. There was no Ice T. There was blood everywhere, evidence markers, crime scene tape, and an obvious location as to where you and Michael had both died. Your perfectly white living room was covered in red blood. Everything was thrown around the room, the place had been ransacked before you came home. Mandi and I quickly threw items for the kids into bags so we could head back to her house. Before we left the second police officer wanted to question me again. They’d asked a few questions the night before but I hadn’t been very much help, the whole screaming uncontrollably thing was the problem.

Once they were done Mandi put me back in the car and we headed back to Santa Barbara. We both were wishing we’d brought someone else with us because after everything we’d just seen neither of us was in any condition to drive. When we got back to the house I knew I had to sit Ellie down and let her know she wouldn't be going home. She’d wonder why were were at Nana and Papa’s. I do want to thank you for having her call them that as soon as she could talk, it made that transition in the last year much easier. Your Mom and Dad had arrived at the house, my Dad had sent his law firm’s plane to pick them up in Reno so that they didn’t have to drive. Alex, Savannah and Max were there as well, as was Stevie. Savannah, knowing that this portion was an adult thing, offered to watch all of the kids so that we could go through the will.

Dad and Ryan gave a copy to each of us. It had just been updated two weeks prior after Axel was born. The first portion shocked everyone in the room, except me. You left the two most precious things in your world in my control. Your Mom was a little upset but understood that she and your Dad were in no condition to take on an infant. Alex was the one that made my Dad read it three times. Me getting the kids came as a shock to her. She assumed she would get them. There was a trust set up for me and each of the kids. Funds to maintain one of the houses through Axel’s 25th birthday. You essentially left everything to me and the kids. A few items, sentimental things like jewelry and other valuables, were left to your Mom, Dad, Alex, Savannah, Frankie, Stevie, and Mandi. Your wedding rings left to each of the kids. I wasn't able to say thank you for thinking of the loss my sister, Mom, and Mandi would experience. Frankie wears your diamond earrings for every special occasion. Mandi wears your emerald ring nearly every day. I don’t think Stevie has taken the necklace you left her off since the morning I was able to get everything from the house. She remembers buying that for you for the first Christmas you spent with her in London when you weren't able to get home. Savannah and I share the rest of it between us. I noticed this morning that she was wearing your favorite amethyst earrings. I’ll be wearing your sapphire earrings tonight, the something blue from your wedding. We all miss you. More than words can describe. Having these little momentos of you to carry with us helps.

As you know, I decided that it would be best for the kids and I to move to Tahoe. Leaving LA was the hardest thing I’ve experience other than losing you. I miss my family every day, but the kids are both thriving here. I’ve finally hit a creative streak now that Tony has moved to be here with us. I feel so much more at peace with him here. He and Savannah are a huge help, having them both has finally allowed me to slow down and heal. Your babies, our babies are my life. They are the reason I live and breathe. I will do everything to always take care of them, I hope you know that. They are the best gift life has given me, I just wish it hadn’t meant I had to give you up.

Tonight your family is arriving at the house with mine and Alex’s to celebrate you. To celebrate what would’ve been your 8th anniversary. Tomorrow the house will fill again with family and friends, evidently it’s possible there will be 80 fucking people here, I blame Alex. We will celebrate your life. Your funeral was a nightmare, as I’ve said before. Stevie did the best she could but she was getting so much conflicting information that it was just a nightmare. So tonight is dinner, the exact menu from your wedding. Tomorrow a casual event, a party. Don’t worry your rainbow lanterns are hung in a tent in the backyard. At the end of the evening I will walk into the part of the woods that you told me was your favorite and spread part of your ashes and Michael’s ashes so that you can live in that special place forever.

I’ve already gotten into a fight with Alex, which shouldn’t come as a surprise. Emotions are high in this house right now. But I have a safety net, don’t worry. While Patrick and I broke up the morning after your funeral there is finally someone special in my life. Someone worthy of my time and maybe someday of my heart. Our Ellery made a friend at school named Ava. Ava comes with a single Dad named Jeremy. We’ve spent the last few weeks getting to know each other as the girls have spent summer days enjoying the sunshine and having a friend. Wednesday he and I went on our first date. He’s amazing. He just gets it. He’s not in the least bit terrified about the 18 wheeler of baggage the kids and I come with. He and Tony get along well. He’s already won over my entire family and Savy. You’d adore him. He’s funny, smart, a musician, and keeps me on my toes. Alex on the other hand isn’t so sure yet, he’s an actor so you know how that goes. Tell Michael that an Avenger helps tuck his kids in bed at night.

The police did end up catching the man. His trial starts in a few weeks. I am going to go home. This is the first time I’ve actually said that. This man needs to know what he stole. He needs to know the damage he’s done. Your two beautiful kids will grow up without their Mom and Dad. I will spend the rest of my life without my best friend. If I ever get married I’ll be short my maid of honor, and yes I actually consider that there someday might be a wedding in my life. There also might not be, who knows. Doing it without you won’t feel right.

This has been the hardest year of my life. I miss you every second of every day. I don’t think I’ve felt like I could truly take a deep breath since the knock on my door happened. The nightmares haven’t lessened as time has gone by. I don’t know that there will ever be a day where I don’t wish I could pick up my phone and call you. Our business manager tried to convince me to stop paying for your email, you know how he is, fucking penny pincher. But I can’t. I want these to be here for me, for the kids, so that if somehow there is a way that you still get email in heaven that you will always know what is going on in my life. So that when I miss you too much to function that I can tell you about life. There are fewer days filled with tears than there were a year ago. But as you know, every tear drop is a waterfall.

Love you forever and for always,

Charlie

**********

I wiped the tears that had slid down my cheeks while writing the email away, hit send, and stood up to go get in the shower. I put some music on so that I could get lost in the process of getting ready. I knew that I’d be up here long enough that I’d get out of all of the last-minute set up things. My sister could handle it and maybe Alex would get her shit together and help, though I wasn’t going to hold my breath for that, especially after I just chewed her out. I took my time getting ready, I don’t honestly think I’d devoted this much time to the way I looked for something in over a year. I finally understood what my friends with kids meant when they talked about never having time to do anything because of kids. Most of the time I was fairly sure I was covered in half of Axel’s breakfast and mascara from three days prior.

“Hey you,” Jeremy said. I turned to see him leaning against the door frame. I’d been in here for over an hour now. “You have pink in your hair.”

“That I do. It’s not a permanent thing, but Sam loved me with pink hair. I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her. It’ll fade pretty easily,” I replied as I unclamped the curling iron from the piece of hair I had in it letting the curl fall. I put the curling iron down on the counter as he walked towards me. He kissed me softly.

“I like it. You look super cute.” He twirled a lock of my hair with it pastel pink ends with his fingers. “Are you feeling better?”

“A little bit. I mean I probably shouldn’t have unleashed on Alex but today is not the day to fuck with me and to be so quick to judge you, I’m just not okay with it.”

“She wasn’t totally judging me. I mean she wasn’t being warm and receptive but you were already primed and ready for a fight. She probably could’ve replied that she thought I was amazing and you would’ve still been ready to fight her. I mean she deserved everything you said. Based on what you’ve told me the relationship the two of you have has always been a challenge and the loss of Samantha has made it even harder. She was the glue that held the three of you together, without her you’re both struggling. It’s understandable but it’s made even harder by the fact that both of you are strong women who don’t admit defeat well.”

“When did you get so smart?”

“Oldest of six kids, remember. I grew up with a bunch of sisters. I know how you all work but especially how you fight. You two love each other but you are different people, especially now than you were when you were freshman in college.”

“We absolutely are. I mean she has three kids, I’m raising Sam’s two-plus half parenting her child.”

“Have you ever thought that might be part of it?” he asked.

“I’ve always thought it was a possibility. I was around for a lot of Savannah’s firsts, some of which she missed. You know how close she and I are. I used to think it was similar to how my relationship with Tony was, I mean I’m a great sister. But it’s less like sisters. She comes to me with the stuff I go to Stevie or Mandi with. I can’t imagine if I had a kid and that happened. Like if someday Axel shows up to you to ask about girls.”

“If that happens you’ll be damn happy and so will I.”

“Why is that?” I asked.

“Because it means that I am still part of your life. And that you don’t have to have the birds and the bees talk with Axel.”

“True fucking story. I am so NOT prepared for that shit.” He sat down on the counter to keep me company while I finished my hair and makeup. He talked me through the crap going through my mind and put me at ease knowing that I’d make it downstairs just as guests were arriving. I went into the closet to get dressed. I pulled out a dress that I’d ordered online for tonight. It was a very bohemian look, something Sam would’ve picked out for me. I got it in black, which made it look a little more goth and maybe felt a little bit morbid for the situation. I knew everyone else was planning on wearing bright colors. I’d also ordered the dress in white, just in case I felt like I needed something lighter. I put on the bra I’d need to wear under it and stood in my closet staring at the two trying to pick which one I should wear. “Hey Jer, I need your opinion.”

“Yes...whoa. You are just in your lingerie.”

“Yeah, sorry. I can’t pick a color. Black or white.”

“What are your thoughts on the colors?”

“Well, for the most part, everyone is wearing bright colors tomorrow and probably tonight too, Ellie is wearing a white tunic top that looks like a little kid version of this dress. I know that it’s not meant to be a depressing night. It’s meant to be celebratory. So for that, I’m leaning towards the white.”

“And the black?” he asked.

“It’s my favorite color to wear when I’m getting dressed up. Sam and I were always the girls in black in LA when everyone else embraced color. It’s odd I know. She loved color. She wore color in her accessories and sometimes in her main clothing but when we were together she’d embrace black because my inner-goth child wasn’t ever going to wear all the colors she was. I like the idea of wearing the white so Ellie and I are dressed kind of similar, but I also feel a bit odd wearing white today since it would’ve been her day to wear white as we all celebrated her and Michael.”

“Go with the black. Your hair will make it seem less morbid and it might make your hair stand out. Then tomorrow you can wear something brighter. It is a somber day for you, no matter how hard you try to pretend it’s not.” I turned and looked at him. He was standing in front of me in the pants he’d had on earlier and no shirt because we’d both been in the middle of changing.

“Thank you.”

“You’re asking a lot of me. I mean you’re standing in front of me in a bra and panties. I really want to ravage you right now but I also know that your phone is gonna start blowing up with notifications at the gate any second. You need to get into hostess mode.”

“Ravage me? What a vivid description.” He hugged me tight to him and kissed me. As we made skin-on-skin contact I felt my heartbeat race. All I wanted to do was climb into bed, get lost in his kisses and forget about what today meant. I wanted to avoid responsibility at all costs but knew I couldn’t. “I need to get dressed,” I mumbled as he rested his lips against my forehead. “If I don’t get dressed now we are never making it out of this room.”

“I know. Clothes now, Charlie. We can pick this up after everyone goes home.”

“Yes, yes we can.” I kissed him one more time before he walked out of the closet and I slid on the black dress. It was flowy with layers of silk, chiffon, and lace. The top was all lace across my shoulders and the small sleeves. The opaque fabric started at the perfect spot to show some cleavage but also leave something to the imagination. I stood staring at my shoes in my closet trying to decide what to wear. I hadn’t ever really been a fan of heels. My normal Vans would look a little off with something like this. I opted for my black combat boots. I knew somewhere in the universe Sam was smiling. She loved that I was often the person willing to wear skater shoes or combat boots with a dress instead of heels. Alex had made us wear long dresses for her wedding and bought these ridiculously high heels. Halfway through the pictures, Alex realized I had purchased a pair of Vans that matched the dress and had them on instead of the heels the rest of the bridesmaids were wearing. I was short enough she only noticed because I’d sat down and moved the dress. The combat boots would’ve made Sam happy. She loved that I danced to the beat of my own drummer. I grabbed a black leather jacket knowing that it would eventually get cooler outside and I’d need a jacket.

When I walked into my bedroom I saw that Jeremy was sitting on the bed putting his shoes on. He had on a nice pair of dark gray pants with a white dress shirt underneath a black sweater. He smiled at me as I walked over to him. He hugged me to him, resting his head against my stomach. It was a nice, quiet moment until the inevitable alert went off on my phone. He reached to where it was sitting on the nightstand, not letting go of me completely and handed it to me. I looked to see it was the gate alert, Sam’s parents were here. I clicked letting them in.

“Time to go face the music,” I said.

“I know,” he replied. He stood up and kissed me softly. “You’re gonna do great tonight, honey. If you need anything just give me a signal.”

“Did you decide what our signal was?” I asked.

“I didn’t.”

“I have a feeling you’ll be able to sense it and tonight shouldn’t be bad. Tomorrow is gonna be the day that exhausts me.”

“I know, honey. But it’s gonna be okay.” We walked out of my bedroom holding hands. As soon as we got into the living room he squeezed my hand and then dropped it as we saw all of the kids in the room.

“Hi Charlie,” Ava said as she ran up to me and jumped into my arms so I could hug her. I slid her to my hip so we could talk.

“Hey, Ava. I’ve missed you, kiddo. Did you have fun visiting your Mommy?”

“I did. But I missed you guys. I’m really excited about the slumber party this weekend.”

“I am too.” Out of the corner of my eye. I caught Jeremy pull his iPhone out of his pocket and take a picture of the two of us together. Ellery came over and Jeremy picked her up. He wrangled the four of us into one photo and took a selfie. After the girls were down and running towards the door to say hi to Sam’s Mom and Dad he leaned over to kiss my cheek. I went to where Axel was playing on the floor and picked him up to take him to see Jane and Robert. “Did you have a good drive?” I asked.

“We did,” Jane replied.

“Speak for yourself. I still don’t know that I’m made to be a passenger,” Robert added causing me to laugh. Robert and Jane were both older than my parents, they’d waited until their late 30s to have Sam whereas Stevie and Vince got married the summer after college and Frankie came the first year of law school for my Dad. Robert had recently had to give up driving, he’d been diagnosed with Parkinson's several years ago and it was progressing to the point that driving had become more difficult for him. He’d been a gearhead since he was young and had always worked on cars. Giving up driving had been hard for him, I was almost glad Sam didn’t have to see her Dad give up that huge part of his identity to his disease. Jane was caring for him full-time though recently she had started to have a nurse come in for part of the day so she can get stuff done.

“Well, I’m glad you put up with being a passenger. Your grandkids miss you bunches.” I smiled as I spoke hoping for the best with tonight. Jane’s face lit up at Axel which put me at ease and made me very happy. She took him from my arms. So she could snuggle him as Ellie hugged her Grandfather. Alex approached all of us leaning in to hug and cheek kiss both Jane and Robert. I backed away and headed over to where my siblings, Jeremy, and Ryan were standing.

“You look like you need a drink,” Ryan said.

“Are you playing bartender because I absolutely do?”

“I mean I could but you have a full fucking bar outside.” I looked at him and signaled to go outside making the other three standing with us laugh. As soon as Ryan and I were at the bar he put his arm around me as I rested my head on my arms, on the bar.

“This lady needs a shot of tequila and I’ll take one as well.”

“Make it two shots,” I said as I held up two fingers.

“Damn.” Ryan had always been a great friend. When my sister introduced me to him the first time I knew she’d met her match. “Your sister told me that you and Alex got into, I didn’t think it was two tequila shots worthy.”

“It’s more like ten but I’m hosting all of these people in my life and still trying to impress a new guy. Can’t get too wasted…too early. Watch out later once people are gone or tomorrow night. I started the weekend off with a fucking bang.” The bartender put three shots of tequila down on the bar.

“Well, cheers to your surviving the weekend.” I clinked shot glasses with Ryan, we tapped them against the top of the bar and threw them back. Before he’d even gotten done making his ‘tequila shot’ face I slammed the other.

“Shots already,” Dad said as he walked into the tent.

“It’s been a rough day,” I answered. He kissed my temple before ordering a drink for himself. I saw Jeremy come outside and smiled.

“You’re stupid if you think you still need to impress him,” Ryan whispered. “I’m a guy. I can tell you with 100% certainty he is not only impressed with you, he’s blown away. You’re a fucking catch, Charlie.”

“Thanks, Ryan. You’re sort of obligated to say that.”

“Oh no, I’m not. You’re my sister-in-law. You know how I feel about my brother’s wife. Sister-in-law does not require unconditional love and support.” I started to laugh. Frankie and Ryan both struggled with his brother’s wife. She was judgmental of the way they parented their kids and the lifestyle they lived in LA. Ryan’s brother still lived in Massachusetts where they grew up and worked with their Dad. His wife was a stay-at-home Mom to their three kids who were roughly the same age as my nieces and nephew. She sold some weird ‘health and wellness product line’ that someone sold her on in a Facebook message and claimed she was going to be a billionaire someday. In reality, she spent more on the products than she was ever going to make. She constantly judged Frankie for not only working full-time but also that she’d decided to go to law school. “I love you because I love you, Charlie. You are an absolute badass and were one of the things that made marrying your sister seem like such a great idea. I mean in general your whole family was, but you are one of my favorite people on this planet.”

“Only because I am the Frankie whisperer.” My sister could be a little high-strung. I usually knew exactly what to say to make her mad at me for about 45 seconds before realizing she needed to laugh and that I was awesome.

“You are. It’s a skill I wish I had now that you don’t live nearby anymore. She’s been extra on edge lately. If you come home for a while this summer it will do all of us a world of good.”

“I’m coming home. Just don’t tell her or Jeremy yet.”

“Good. I’m glad. I miss having you around.” I hugged Ryan one more time before Jeremy slid up beside me and slid an arm protectively around my waist.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, why?” I asked.

“I saw you and Ryan doing shots. I just wanted to check and see if that was the signal.”

“If the signal was shots we would both be fucked.” I rested my head on his shoulder as he kissed the top of it. “Thank you for being here. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I’m going to owe you big time.”

“I’m sure we can come up with an appropriate method to pay me back.” I laughed at the tone of his voice. I knew what he meant and didn’t even have to look at him to confirm the smirk on his face. As our girls came running out the back door I lifted my head off of his shoulder and he dropped his arm. While it was painfully aware to everyone here that he wasn’t just my daughter’s best friend’s Dad we hadn’t really discussed telling the kids and we’d really only gone on one date. Trying to explain to the girls what that was seemed too complicated. Especially for this weekend.

Everyone mingled for a while. There was lots of catching up, cocktails, and awkwardness between me and Alex. Sam’s parents clearly wanted to talk to both of us but neither of us was all that interested in talking to each other. I was really doing my best not to have a complete breakdown on the chic white couch that had been delivered to my backyard earlier today while we sat in conversation with Jane about how Robert’s most recent doctor’s appointment had gone. Robert was of course off with Jeremy, Ryan, and my Dad talking about cars, a conversation I’d much rather be in.

“How was the end of the school year?” Jane asked. She had made eye contact with me while she asked it but of course, Alex started to speak.

“The boys absolutely loved their teachers this year, they were of course in separate classes so as to not confuse the teachers. They both excelled tremendously and had straight As.” Internally I rolled my eyes. They weren’t at a point where grades should matter, honestly, grades should never matter because life is way more important than if you get a B+ or an A- but Alex would never see it that way. “Savannah will be taking more classes in fall but she’s only taking one online course this summer. She’s really loving school which makes me so happy. She’s decided to study early childhood education. I don’t know if that’s a permanent thing but following in my footsteps as a teacher would make me so proud.”

“Kindergarten went as well as could be expected,” I finally answered seeing the smile on Jane’s face change because Ellery was the kid she really wanted to hear about. “Ellie struggled with friends, for the most part, she’s very much her mother’s daughter, she doesn’t need a ton of friends, just a few great ones. She found Ava and latched on for dear life. They are inseparable which makes me really happy. This week was a bit rough, Ava was in Los Angeles with her mother so Ellery was a bit lonely. They’ve been able to still see each other nearly every day of break.”

“Ava and her Dad both seem wonderful,” Jane said. “I love seeing Ellie so happy with a friend.” I glanced at where Ellie, Ava, Harlow, and Aria were dancing together.

“I do too. Ava is a great kid. It’s nice that they have built a friendship that even at such a young age is so close. It will also be nice that when we do need to be back in LA for something that it’s possible that Ava will be there too. Having kids with multiple homes is a struggle for friends, Ava was like the perfect fit.”

“Her Dad seems like a great fit too.” Jane nodded in Jeremy’s direction, his laugh had risen above the volume of the conversation and made me smile.

“He really is. He’s been an absolute blessing to have around. Tony’s surprise relocation was made significantly easier with his help. He was here to make sure that the guest house was ready for Tony to move into. He has helped with the kids when I needed to help Tony with stuff. He’s been a great addition to our lives. It’s also nice to have an adult friend who lives in Tahoe. The Moms at school and I never really meshed. My journey of motherhood has been so different than theirs. There isn’t a whole lot to relate to them about.”

“Understandable,” Jane said. “It’s nice that you’ve found that with Jeremy.”

“It is.” I smiled again. I could tell it was the giant smile that if Sam were here would make her immediately start doing her ‘you’re in love’ happy dance. I wasn’t in love but I was very much in like.

“How long does Jeremy plan on staying in Tahoe?” Alex asked. “He is an actor after all. I assume he has a movie set to get to.”

“He will at some point. It’s not really my business what his work schedule is like. I know that he’ll need to be in Atlanta at some point later in the year and that he has some work in LA later this summer. He slowed down his workload a lot with Ava starting school. Being a Dad comes first, the rest is secondary.”

“Will you be back in LA at all this summer?” Alex asked. I could tell she was pissed that she didn’t know the answer to this question.

“Yes, for how long though I don’t know. I think the plan is to do Ellery’s birthday party at my Dad’s place in Santa Barbara. Jane, I know with you being in Los Angeles for the trial that you’d be there and would need to travel back to celebrate our little girl turning 6 so we’ve started talking about planning the party there so you can stay at my condo and not have to travel back. Plus Ava will be in Los Angeles as are my nieces, nephew, and the twins. So we thought it just made sense for the group of us to go to LA instead of everyone coming back here for a birthday party. Outside of that, I’m really unsure how long I’ll stay. I need to start getting things prepared for fall. I need to get Ellery into a dance class and start finding some opportunities for Axel to make friends. The little guy needs more social interaction than Ellie, Ava, Savy, Tony, Jeremy and I.”

“He’s just getting so big so fast.” I was happy to see that his grandmother’s face showed love when talking about him. “He looks so much like Michael.”

“He does. He’s got a lot of his personality too. It makes me happy to have a miniature version of each of them around the house. Ellie and I sing musicals every morning while we get ready. Axel is already showing interest in drums. Tony has been playing them and Axel just sits there staring wide-eyed at him as he plays.”

“You and Sam with your musical mornings were the absolute worst,” Alex said laughing. “How does Ellery already know the words to them?”

“We listen to musicals instead of Kidz Bop.” It was sort of a ‘duh’ response but honestly, what did Alex expect the answer to be? Sam and Ellery had listened to musicals every day. She’d been able to sing the lyrics to Disney songs before she was actually able to form complete sentences on her own. “Her favorites are Hamilton, Dear Evan Hansen, and Rock of Ages. I mean we still listen to Disney soundtracks too. Let me tell you about how I know all of the words to every Descendants song. She picks up the lyrics to everything so quickly. We sing all day every day. It was something she loved doing with Sam so we still sing.”

“I’m so happy you’re keeping music in her life the way that Samantha and Michael always had. It’s a unique way for her to channel her emotions. It had always been such an important part of who Sam was.” Jane smiled at the memory and it tugged a little bit at my heart. “I remember her writing her first song when she wasn’t that much older than Ellery. It was absolutely terrible but as a mother, it was also the best song I’d ever heard. I can’t wait for Ellie to start writing her own music.”

“She’s getting close. I hear her singing to nonsense to the cats most days. She has completely choreographed dances to the entire Greatest Showman soundtrack. She’s possibly going to grow up to be an actress with her stage presence.”

“We can only hope that doesn’t happen,” Alex said. I rolled my eyes and this time it wasn’t all that hidden.

“Whatever she does when she grows up I’m going to be proud of her. Singer, sales manager, actress or activist whatever that little girl puts her mind to she’s going to do perfectly.” I stood up. “I need to go check with the caterer to see how soon it is for dinner. Excuse me.” I walked to where Frankie was talking to the catering chef.

“I am fucking miserable,” I mumbled. “Why did I agree to this?”

“You love Sam and Michael and you wanted to do this to honor them. It’s gonna be okay. Dinner will be served in about 20 minutes, they suggested we all get seated,” my sister answered.

“Oh thank fucking god. I also need another drink.”

“I have selected a wine for dinner that I can have served as soon as everyone is seated,” the chef said.

“Perfect.” I grabbed a fork from the table that was right beside them and taped it against the glass. “Hello everyone. First I want to say thank you to everyone for joining the kids and I tonight to celebrate as a family the life of Sam and Michael. Tomorrow will, of course, be filled with friends but tonight it was important to me that it just be the family.” Ellie came up to me and I reached down to pick her up and hold her. I felt my dress hike up weirdly and knew that somewhere Alex was huffing about how terrible my behavior was. “The chef has let me know that we are about 20 minutes away from dinner being ready and asked that we start getting seated. Ellie Belle, did you want to say anything first?” We’d practiced this yesterday and again today.

“My Mommy and Daddy were so lucky to have all of you in their lives and…” She paused clearly forgetting what was next. I whispered into her ear. “My baby brother and I are lucky to have all of you too. Thank you for coming tonight. Enjoy!” Everyone clapped as I kissed Ellery’s cheek.

“You did perfect baby girl.”

“Do I get to sit with Ava?”

“You do. There’s a little table set up for you, your cousins, the twins and Ava. Are you okay with that?” I asked. “You can sit with me if you’d rather.”

“No, I want to sit with my friends.” I hated the idea of the kids all having to sit together and away from the adults but it made the most sense. The table was set up right beside our main table and within reach of me, Savannah, and Frankie. I put her down and she ran to take her seat with her friends.

“She did so great,” Jeremy whispered in my cheek before kissing it softly. “Your practice run yesterday and today was totally worth it.”

“Tomorrow’s will be easier. She and Tony have practiced a song that they are going to do so she doesn’t really have to talk.”

“That will be fun. You ready to sit down?” I nodded. Jeremy put his hand on the small of my back as we walked towards the middle of the table where we were seated. I had Frankie on my other side and was directly across the table from Alex. Jeremy pulled out my chair and helped me sit down before taking his seat. The waiters came around pouring wine for everyone and leaving the bottles in ice buckets. “Alex, Savannah tells me that you just finished publishing your 6th book. Congratulations.” He was so cute for trying so hard.

“Thank you. It was a labor of love. I’m working on the next edition of a textbook I’ve written and should have it finished up in the next few weeks so it hits bookstores in time for fall classes.” Like every good professor, Alex wrote the textbooks she required her students to use so she made money off of them beyond being their teacher.

“That’s great. I stole one of your books off of Charlie’s bookshelf and started reading it last night.”

“Which one?” Alex and I both asked.

“I don’t remember the title. It was about how marriage, divorce and gender norms are portrayed in modern literature. It seemed pretty interesting. Having been divorced and the amount of reading I do for my job it was insightful. Something of the things I wish I’d realized before I got married.” I laughed, Jeremy made light about his divorce a lot. It was like me and my self-deprecating sense of humor. I think it’s part of why we got along so quickly, our humor is similar.

“Interesting that you’d pick that off of her shelf. Charlie has quite the collection of books.”

“I thought it might be nice to read one of your books before you got here. Charlie and Savy have both talked about your writing before so I was intrigued.”

“So Jeremy, I’m sure that Tony and Ryan have both asked but can you tell me anything about the next Avengers movie?” Max asked. I laughed as he betrayed his wife and fell victim to the same thing every other man ranging in age from 5 to 95 did when meeting a superhero. He’d attended a midnight showing or two with a group of us over the years.

“I can’t. Honestly, I don’t even know what the hell happens in it. They didn’t give anyone a full script for any of the movies after the first one. Mark tends to blow the secrets so they don’t let us see a full script. We get copies of our lines for the day and have about an hour to memorize them. I wasn’t even 100% sure I wasn’t in Infinity War until it came out.” I laughed.

“Sorry, I’m sure that gets annoying.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I get it. I grew up loving Spider-Man so I understand.” It was a canned response but I appreciated that he wasn’t trying to make Max feel like an idiot.

“He also has put up with both of my brothers,” I said. “Can you imagine Tony and Ryan around this guy? Every single theory and question possible has been asked. There’s nothing that they haven’t already tried.”

“She’s right,” Tony added as he sat down next to Jeremy. “He’s tolerated us well.” Jeremy squeezed my brother’s shoulder.

“I don’t put up with you, kid. It’s more that I put up with your sister. She’s a handful.” My mouth dropped open and I punched him in the arm. “Ow.”

“She is a handful. I forgot what living with her was like.”

“You’re an ass sometimes,” I said quietly hoping the table filled with kids behind us didn’t hear me.

“You like my ass.” I rolled my eyes.

“See what I have to put up with. These two tag team me. The last couple of days have been worse. Jeremy and Ryan have bonded.”

“Yes, yes we have,” Ryan added from his seat beside my sister. He and Jeremy high-fived over our heads. “He’s pretty cool and is pretty good at putting up with Charlie.”

“I hate you too, Ryan.”

“You’re getting tag teamed by all of them,” Alex said. She smiled and it looked like her real smile. Was she going to crack and be okay? I wasn’t going to hold my breath but I was hopeful. Eventually, everyone was seated and the chef signaled that he was ready to bring out the food. I moved my chair back and stood up.

“I want to first thank all of you for coming. This weekend is something I struggled with. I didn’t know how to approach it. It’s a hard weekend but today is also a celebratory day. Eight years ago tonight all of us gathered together to celebrate Samantha and Michael’s wedding. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life. Seeing my best friend so immensely happy and marrying the man of her dreams was as much a dream come true for me as it was for her. She deserved all the happiness the world had to offer. I saw her that happy a year ago too.” I felt the tears sting my eyes and my throat close up. Jeremy grabbed my hand, squeezing it. I glanced down at him to see him say ‘you’re okay’ and I took a deep breath. “Sam and Mikey dropped the kids off to me as they went out to celebrate 7 years of wedded bliss. They looked so happy. Having that image in my mind is what has gotten me through the last year, along with the support of all of you. The kids and I have come out of this year stronger than any of us could’ve imagined. It’s because of all of you. Tomorrow is an anniversary that I will dread for the rest of my life but today is the anniversary of one of the best days of my life. So tonight we celebrate the incredible, beautiful, and loving relationship that Sam and Michael had. We celebrate the two amazing children that relationship produced and we celebrate the family that has been created because of the love Sam and Michael shared. To Sam and Michael,” I said as I raised the glass of wine I had.

“To Sam and Michael,” the voices at the table responded. I took a drink of my wine before sitting back down.

“You did great, sis.” Frankie leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder.

“Thanks.”

“You really did,” Jeremy said.

“Thank you.” I glanced back at the table of children all happily coloring the coloring sheets that Ellie had insisted I get for all of them. They were copies of the coloring sheets that Sam had made for the wedding. It made me happy to see all of the kids coloring all over them. Dinner went nicely. The conversation flowed well and was polite. There were a few fun stories shared about the wedding, Sam and Michael, the kids, and our fondest memories. It was, in general, a really happy and cheerful occasion which is what I’d hoped it would be. We said our goodbyes to Sam’s family as they were headed back to Reno.

Once they were gone the night started to quiet down. All of the kids were put in bed despite their continual protests. Seeing all four of the girls crowded into Ellie’s room made my heart feel so full I thought it might burst. All of the adults ended up in the kitchen and living room with the remaining wine from dinner.

“So are you going to apologize to each other?” Frankie asked Alex and I.

“I mean I’m sorry I yelled. But I’m not totally sorry about what I said. I’ve always felt like you judged me and thought like I was less than you. You’re the only person who has ever questioned my career choice and whether it was conducive to raising a family. Honestly, sometimes the things you say to me are so horrible and it’s like you don’t care that you hurt people with your words,” I said.

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I also know that sometimes you can be extra bitchy when you’re stressed and clearly you’re stressed.” Of course, Alex’s apology was the world’s most common apology. ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ nowhere does she take ownership for how she makes others feel.

“Ya think? I have a house full of people and generally speaking, I hate people.” Both Alex and Frankie laughed. “I knew there would be a million questions about what is going on in my life right now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about Jeremy?”

“Your exact response to him when you met him. You judge everyone in his profession because of one person. That’s not fair.” She rolled her eyes. She didn’t like being called on this, ever. “I hadn’t honestly told anyone in my family about it. Okay, that’s a lie. Stevie knows about him. She can tell by the tone of my voice if I’ve met someone. It’s her 6th sense, discovering romance.”

“He seems nice, but I just worry.”

“You worry for no reason. First of all, we’ve been on one date. One date that ended in my kitchen with my entire family. He didn’t run for the hills at that, which most sane men would. And for some reason, he didn’t bolt from the house witnessing me turn into a complete psycho bitch on you earlier. So he either kinda likes me or is completely crazy.”

“I’m a little of both,” Jeremy said as he approached the three of us, he wrapped his arms around my waist kissing just below my ear. With the kids in bed and the amount of wine we’d both had tonight, we were a little more touchy than we had been at dinner. “Alex, I have no intention of hurting her. She’s an incredible woman who frankly I’m surprised I got to agree to go on a date with me.”

“You almost didn’t.” I laughed as I spoke causing everyone else to laugh.

“She blew him off for like two weeks Mom. He’s been persistent in convincing her that not only is she allowed to have a life but he’d like to be part of it.”

“I promise, I’m not neglecting the kids. I’m not making your child raise my kids.” Her face contorted at ‘my kids’ and I knew she didn’t like the way I phrased it. They weren’t my kids, but they were mine.

“You should’ve been honest with me, even if you thought I’d be mad.”

“Yeah, because walking into one of your lectures is my favorite pastime. I know better. There wasn’t anything to tell you then. There is now. So I’ve told you. Jeremy isn’t likely going anywhere. Ava and Ellie love each other and it makes me happier than I could imagine to see her that happy. Added bonus her Dad happens to be mildly attractive and single.”

“Mildly attractive?” Jeremy asked as he leaned back from me, a look of shock on his face.

“I don’t need to enlarge your ego. I have to share a bed with it tonight.” This made the other people in the kitchen laugh. He laughed at me before giving me a kiss. It felt comfortable to be with him even if it was in front of my family and friends. He fit into this group of people perfectly and watching him expertly navigate all of them today had made me fall a little bit more for him.

“Mmmmm bed.” At the mention of the word I yawned. “We should go to bed. You tossed and turned last night.”

“He stayed here last night?” Alex asked her voice again dripping with judgment.

“He did. I’ve been having nightmares where I am in their house, blood, and bullets everywhere and then I’m in the morgue staring at Sam’s cold, dead body. I typically wake up screaming. He thought that staying here might be nice so that I wasn’t alone.” Alex’s body sank.

“I didn’t realize you were still having nightmares,” she replied.

“Yup.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thanks,” I replied. “Let’s go to bed.” I was done with this day. I didn’t want to deal with Alex anymore. I wanted my quiet bedroom. My warm, comfy bed. Jeremy’s body lying next to mine. I didn’t want to talk to anyone anymore. I just wanted to sleep.

“Get some rest, sis,” Frankie said. We hugged before Jeremy and I said the rest of our goodnights and headed up to bed. We were quiet while we changed into pajamas and I went through my nightly routine. I walked into my bedroom and climbed into bed next to Jeremy. He’d gotten in bed and turned the tv on. I said nothing I just curled into his body and laid my head on his chest, which had no shirt covering it tonight.

“I am sorry today was such a shit show.”

“You don’t owe me an apology. I get it. I’m honestly proud of you. You could’ve maybe handled it differently but being honest is something you needed to do.”

“I didn’t need to be a bitch but I don’t know that I’d have been capable of not being a bitch.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure things will be okay in the morning.” He ran his fingers through my hair. I started to relax and get tired.

“Thank you for being here today and staying here tonight. It means a lot. Like more than I can really explain.” I moved so I could look him in the eyes, my chin resting on his chest. He bent down to kiss me.

“Nowhere else in the world I’d rather be, Charlie.”

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PHEW! That was a lot. I know it was heavy and emotional and just...a lot. Charlie had CLEARLY been holding in some feelings about Alex for a really, really long time and just sort of word vomited them. Could she have handled it better? Of course. But I probably would’ve done the same thing. When you break a person it’s hard to get them to stop. There’s hope that things will be okay, but it will obviously take work from both of them that they may not be ready for. There’s a lot of baggage there to work through. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a friend like Alex, but I have and let me tell you, they are hard friendships to maintain. Most of the people like that in my life are gone. It was healthier for me to let the friendship go.

Charlie’s family is basically my favorite thing. They are loud and crazy and fun and giving her shots before a dinner party. She’s lucky to have them and she knows it. Having all of them with her as she’s going through this weekend is good for her. Whether it’s her sister taking care of the party, her step-mom helping with the kids or Ryan there for comic relief everyone knows their job and fulfills it perfectly.

And Jeremy. Oh, Jeremy. He is like the sprinkles on a donut, the cherry on a sundae, or the star on the top of a Christmas tree. He’s the perfect addition to the circle of people she’s built around her. He can read her. He wants to be there for her. No judgment, no prerequisites, nothing. He just wants to be there because he cares deeply about her. And she cares about him. Their relationship is developing beautifully into something that will have a significant impact on them. For Charlie to be willing to let someone in is a huge thing. For Jeremy to be willing to take on the challenge that Charlie’s life and circumstances bring is a huge thing. They each come with their own baggage and they are allowing each other to unpack it in a way that isn’t forced or uncomfortable. Writing their relationship as it develops makes me really happy and I truly enjoy doing it. So you reading this and enjoying it is the icing on the cake for me.

Now the hard part. The email. I didn’t know how to fully convey what happened the year prior. I felt that Charlie’s emails to Sam were the best way to do that. She feels like she’s still able to be her most authentic self in those emails, the way she was with Sam when she was alive. Telling her truth and the way that the weekend haunts her was a huge part of healing and grieving. Telling it to Sam was the biggest part for Charlie. She’d never in those emails been honest about what happened. She sent happy snippets of life and the kids. Sure she has told her she’s sad and she misses her but to explain every detail of that weekend and what she went through was a moment she needed to get to. She needed to feel okay writing the words down, it might help her get through the nightmares a little easier.

I hope you’ve loved this chapter. It was a labor of love to write. I cried writing the email. I read it aloud to my Mom (who is probably my biggest fan - I am so lucky) and I sobbed. I openly wept. Not because I think I’m some phenomenal writer. But because Charlie lives inside me. She’s in my mind, in my heart. I become friends with my characters as I develop them and Charlie is someone I want to protect and keep safe. I want to take her pain away and telling that story was hard for her and for me. I would love to hear what you thought of this chapter. It would mean the world to me. My hope is that I can get started on the next chapter soon but playing catch up from being sick for 3.5 weeks with work has been challenging. Tonight I gave myself some time off to finish this because it was important to me.

Thank you for everything.

xx. Annie

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