#oh i wrote sad beautiful tragic on a bus

[likeadevils]

Where can you find out when her songs are written?

extensive sleuthing

[danihow]

No answer

Soulmate AU

Bucky Barnes x Deaf!Reader

Marvel Cinematic Universe

Summary: In a world where everyone is born with their soulmates last words said to them before they die or leave is tattooed somewhere in your body, but your soulmate is unable to see them.

Warning: Angst, death, but fluff before all that.

Word count: 3k, yeah a bit long, sorry.

A/N: I felt like doing a deaf!reader in a soulmate au because why not. And this idea is not mine, i saw it somewhere and credit to them. And also, I kinda love having a deaf character.

Gif ain’t mine but THOSE EYES THO.

Soulmates last words appear as a silver-inked mark on people’s bodies as a punishment from the angels to their actions, yet you didn’t care about them, you saw not actual point in having the last words of the love of your life tattooed, you didn’t understand what did humanity did to have such a bitter punishment as the words you’ll last hear from the person you will love the most just to know that they won’t be there anymore. People actually didn’t enjoy this soulmate thing a lot since they lived wondering if they are with their actual person and won’t find out until the day comes.

So, indeed you didn’t paid too much attention to these words on your collarbone who seemed pretty damn sad and made you want to not even meet them, you didn’t want them to hurt if the scenario of your or their departing was as tragic as the words wrote in silver were.

“Doll, you can’t leave me now, not now.”

You couldn't imagine a happy and calm scenario where those words can be said, no, they were sad, depressive and desperate words, yet you didn't knew if they were because you died too soon or you lived a long live with someone who wasn't ready to let you. Anyway, whoever says does words is hurting and you don't want them to hurt.

You lived your live worrying internally about it to the point that no one else knew about your words and you didn’t spoke about them if you were asked. Yet, your heart now belonged to a man who you deep inside prayed wasn’t the one your words came from, the man whose arm you repaired when you met and made what nobody else has done for you in order to make you happy, Bucky Barnes.

Bucky and you got to know each other in a special way, it happened when he entered the laboratory searching for the person that was going to change his arm after a rough mission. You were arranging the tools you were about to use to place someone’s metal arm as Tony indicated you to. The one-armed man greeted you with a “Good night” and felt a little bit disrespected when you didn’t even flinch to his words, he repeated in case he spoke too softly but yet received no answer.

He sat kind of mad in one of the stools of the lab, waiting for someone else to come and stayed in silence for a while at the same time you searched for something in a shelf, not being tall enough to reach it. “You need help?” He offered talking loud enough for you to be able to hear, but you didn’t. He pursed his lips while staying there, watching you trying to reach for whatever you needed, standing on a stool. 

He knew he did some things wrong in the past but you were disrespecting him quite a lot when you didn’t even greet back the simple good night he gave you. He stayed there again, waiting for someone to pay him attention.

Yet you kept there, in your world, not saying a word. After around ten minutes he stood there and you were still submerged in your own world. The impatience winning him over and in need of the repair he stood up the chair and walked to you.

“There’s actual no need to be rude to me, it’s kind of disrespectful.” He said firmly while approaching to where you stood, tapping your shoulder once and make you to flinch quite a lot.

You turned around scared and defensive, moving so quickly you tossed a couple of tools away the table. 

The petrified look on your eyes made him feel some kind of pressure in his chest, a guiltiness like no other for scaring the fuck out of you. “Oh shoot, sorry ma’am.” He said but you didn’t answered him again.

You did a sign with your hands, dragging your index finger from your ear to your mouth. By the confused look on his face you stretched to grab a notebook you always had near you and wrote something with a black pen.

“I’m sorry, I’m deaf.” He read in the note, feeling even guiltier if that was possible, he got so mad at you for ignoring him around five times and it wasn’t your fault, you weren’t able to hear him.

“You read lips?” He wrote back in the notebook once you handed it to him, receiving a nod from you. “I do.” You said in a soft almost inaudible voice.

“I’m here for the arm Stark talked about.” He says not as fast as he was used to so you didn’t struggle and then pointed at his arm.

You gave him a soft, warm smile and pointed to a chair so he could take a seat, grabbing the set of things you already had prepared. “I’m really sorry ma’am, I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said when you looked at him before starting, gaining a weak “Don’t worry” in response.

Your voice was really weak, yet soft and warm that his first instinct was to protect you, feeling crazy for thinking such a thing about a women he didn’t knew. You kind of explained to him through the notebook that you were going to replace his arm with a new one Shuri sent from Wakanda and if something hurt he must tell you immediately by rising his hand or something; while he read the message he couldn’t help but think about how beautiful your handwriting was and how much patience you had with him to write everything. He nodded in response and left the book aside.

You started by asking him to remove his shirt so you could remove the arm, yet you ended helping him when some strands of cloth got stuck in the open metal. You couldn’t help yourself by looking for a few seconds to the man’s shirtless torso before starting to remove his old broken arm. You let the arm aside, now starting to fix the wires and cutting open some others so you could connect the shoulder to the new sensorial adjustments Shuri created. You applied him some anesthesia on the shoulder skin and flesh that was still there so the adjustment to the neurons wouldn’t hurt him. 

The procedure went well until the readjustment part, he grabbed your hand with his flesh one when he felt a stung in his shoulder that hurt enough even with his really high pain tolerance. You stopped, looking worried at him as he closed his eyes shut, he hated being like this but shit, that hurt badly. After a while he nodded and let you continue with your worked.

He stared at you through the process, paying attention to the little details on your face so he could distract himself of you working and seeing his scars, he noticed the little wrinkles by your eyes when you smiled and noticed how calm you were and looked while working, without the terror he caused you a while ago.

You remember when you finished and connected the wire that made the arm functional, you remembered how he opened his eyes widely at the sensorial panels working, feeling your hands on his forearm. He looked at you in surprise and you chuckled a little under your breath.

You left the tools beside his old arm and watched his reaction, his metal arm moved, readjusting to the size of his shoulder and with his metal hand he reached to you but stopped, considering he could hurt you without knowing this arm’s strength so he instead reached for a tool near him, feeling the cold metal in his fingers and smiled. 

“When something hit you abruptly or penetrates the covering top of the panels they will shut down so you won’t feel the hurt.” You handed him the notebook.

“Thank you...” Then it hit him, he hadn’t presented himself to you or asked for you name, where did his manners went? Back in his times his mom would’ve smacked him in the face the second she knew. 

“Y/N” You said while doing the hand signs to it. Then he questioned himself about how to say to you his name, he reached out for the notebook again and wrote it so you could know it. 

“It’s a pleasure Bu... Bucky?” You said in a question, not knowing how to pronounce it. Then smiling widely at him when he nodded to you, you said it right.

“The pleasure’s mine.” He said and stood up after you did. “I’m still sorry for scaring you.” He said with shame on his voice. 

“No big deal, it happens usually.” You say in your soft weak voice and smile at him.

Now he had nothing to do there so you both walked to the entrance of the lab in slow pace in silence, when he got to the door he stood there. “How do you say goodnight?” He asks, wanting to properly greet you this time.

Your warm smile grows in your lips and you do slowly the hand sign, he copies you with concern and doubt in his expressions, smiling proudly when you say it back.

Then he was gone even if he wanted to stay longer, you light up a curious and interested side in him like no one else did before.

The days passed by with him coming periodically to see you for the reviewing of his new arm. Around the second Thursday of visiting you at your lab he greeted you in sign language, surprising you and making you feel extremely happy, he had seen you talk in ASL to your lab colleagues and felt bad for you having to write down everything for him or at least what you couldn’t speak.

He talked to Steve and Sam about you all the time to the point they knew more about you that they should. He talked about your facial expressions while talking in ASL, about how soft your voice was when you spoke, even about how now you knew he entered the lab with the new bracelet Tony made for you with its own AI named MAC (that stood for More Awesome Creations) which was connected to FRIDAY and buzzed in morse code when someone came in the lab.

After some more weeks the visits became biweekly yet he found a way to see you more often than that and you didn’t complain about it at all, you were really happy with having him around.

He got to know about you more and more every time he went, he learned your interests, your manners, your hobbies and even learnt about you past, he now knew that you became deaf twelve years ago at age of fifteen in an accident so you can still talk without hearing yourself. He started asking FRIDAY to show him some pages about learning ASL so you could talk freely with him and to surprise you.

In the matter of months, you two were like best friends, Tony hired you officially and permanently around four months before when you accomplished six months around here. Yet Bucky didn’t just felt things for you like he felt for Natasha or Wanda, his feelings were far away of what friends felt and each day they grew further to the point that Steve, Sam and even Tony and Nat were telling him to ask you out, but he was too afraid of rejection and to make your friendship go to waste that he kept his feelings for himself, befriending you.

On the other hand, you were like a part of the team by the year of being there and they all were pretty happy about your presence. They all had their very own way of friending you, Sam struggled a little bit with learning sign language so he uses quite a lot the little pocket notebook you gifted him so he can talk to you, Tony gifted you for your birthday an intelligent watch that writes in its screen what people are saying to you in case you don’t read the lips fast enough so you can use it in reunions.

Natasha and Clint didn’t struggle at all with learning the language and Steve was actually really agile at learning it too, surprising you a lot. Wanda struggled a bit more so she had another little notebook and pen in her pocket like Samuel, the Queens kid, Peter, was pretty fast at learning it to the point he easily became like your little brother since he spent most of the time at the lab upgrading his suit and his talkative-self forced himself to learn ASL so he can keep telling you about his day at school every day.

And so it went with everyone else, they adapting to you or you adapting to them, whatever came first.

Then, today was the day Fury finally decided to send you in a mission with the team since they were extracting some new tech and you were crucial to take care of it and evaluate it.

Obviously, you were left at the jet with Bruce, who even had some tea onboard to calm the nerves the mission gave him before his time to shine green came.

Bucky was actually really worried for you throughout the mission, thinking about finishing this as fast as possible so all of you can go back to the compound and to have you out of risk, save in his arms. 

When the objective was achieved the super soldier was heading back to the jet with Wanda by his side. He smiled at the thought of being back at the compound, laying in the sofa watching a movie while you were reading and playing with his hair, as always.

But that wasn’t in the plans of destiny.

You smiled at both of them warmly and welcomed them, you hugged Wanda, who was the first one on board but when you were about to hug the super soldier his enhanced hearing sensed something, a click and some branches moving and before he could turn around someone shoot you, letting you stand there as a big red stain formed on your chest, right were you heart is, and another two stains formed on your stomach. 

Both of them froze for a moment, looking at you as if it wasn’t real, then he finally turned around, spotting the sniper behind a bunch of trees, shooting at him with his weapon. 

Bucky raced to reach you before you fell, grabbing you between his arms and leaning you down to the floor slowly as his eyes started to water. 

“Doll, hey Y/N, look at me.” He said knowing you couldn’t hear him, his eyes terrified at the idea of losing you. “Doll, look at me, please.” He begged, his voice cracking as his hands were now stained with your blood. 

You looked at him, staring right into his blue watery eyes, giving him a little warm smile just as the one you gave him when you first met. “Hey, I’m here.” You whispered with your soft and even weaker voice, rising your hand to spoon his cheek, rubbing your thumb in there to comfort him.

Wanda was shocked, standing by his side, she got down to her knees, putting her hand on Bucky’s shoulder as he held you in his arms, watching a scene no one will ever want to watched.

Then Steve and Tony came over, their joyful expressions breaking at the sight that welcomed them at the jet.

“Don’t leave me Y/N.” Bucky said desperately, you read his lips and tried to smile. “You can’t.” Shit. No, no, no, no, you didn’t like where this was going, no, shit no, it can’t be him, you’d prayed each night and day for him to not be the one so he wouldn’t hurt add he was doing now.

“Bucky, I love you, okay?” You whispered even weaker against the growing pain in your heart, rubbing the tears away of your man’s face. “I love you, remember that.”

It felt like a knife was stabbed in Bucky’s heart when those words came to his mind, no, you said the words that were tattooed on his ribs since almost a century ago, he couldn’t lose you now. “Doll, you can’t leave me now, not now.” He said with the pain in his chest increasing, his tears falling down his cheeks as your eyes were fixed in his. 

You were his soulmate and you were just about to die, there was nothing to do, if there was the words wouldn’t be there.

Your chest hurt but not because of the bullet, not anymore, it hurt because of his words, you were soulmates but you were too afraid of ruining everything that didn’t even got to be together. The look in his eyes, his face, he knew it too but even if you tried to speak, no words came out. Both of you were crying, you wanted to kiss him to at least know how it would’ve felt but you couldn’t move too much anymore, you were giving your last breaths.

Bucky thought about it too, leaning until your nose touched his, giving you a delicate and sad first and last kiss. Then he couldn’t hear your heartbeat anymore, he separated a few inches to see you, lifeless with your eyes peacefully closed. “No, doll.” He muttered, not even caring about his colleagues seeing him. “Y/N...” He held your fragile and dead body against his, crying his heart out in your hair. After a little while Steve approached to his friend, putting his hand on his other shoulder. 

“Buck, we need to go, more are coming.” He whispered carefully, as if the simplest words could shatter his friend in pieces.

“She was her all along, Steve, and I lost her.” He cried without letting you go and those words were like a bucket of cold water for the rest, Tony and Wanda crying you silently as Steve stepped back to give him the time he needed.

Their friend had just lost the love of his life.

You.

[im-gettingby]

30 Days of Carry On

posted (and written by?) @captain-aralias

(I’m doing most of these at once because I said so. it’s long so under the cut)

1. Favourite major character

I literally thought — Simon no Baz no Penny no, Agatha!

I guess I will pick Simon, since I relate to him the most — or at least, my connection to him led me into the fandom.

2. Favourite minor character

I think we all know this one 🐑🐑🐑

I have written many a treatise on Lamb Rights. I’ll spare everyone now

3. Character you relate to the most

Oops— I already answered this, kinda. I relate to them in different ways: I relate a lot to WS Simon because he has abandonment issues and “kid who was told he was extraordinary and then grew up to be ordinary” issues. We also both have a “fix all the things for everyone” complex, too.

Baz — It took me a while to get into Baz’s head, but I would say, I relate to him because of his intense emotional world and tendency to see the world through an intensely romantic/tragic lens. But also he’s a Pisces. and I’d never do that like a Pisces does. (Sorry, not sorry.)

4. Which character would you like to go to lunch with?

SHEPARD obviously. I don’t feel the need to elaborate.

5. Favourite non-Snowbaz ship

Ooh! Probably Lamb/Baz or Simon/Shep or just...literally anything. Like, I will read anything as long as it’s well written. The weirder the better. (Within...legal and moral limits.) in my other fandoms I’ve been a big multishipper and there’s not a lot of options for that in CO - which is fine - but wholeheartedly support rarepairs :D

6. Favourite non-romantic OTP

So, obviously Simon/Penny and Baz/Penny are great ones, but I think the nearest & dearest to my heart is Simon/Agatha. The kind of siblings/unwillingly dating/weird exes dynamic and the way they both shaped each other’s lives is just so interesting. And while Simon & Penny are closer, Agatha and Simon represent their aspirational selves to one another. And the way that they were both tied to one another along with their gender roles/places in society and both broke away at the same time is just...mwah

7. Favourite Baz outfit

I honestly dress kinda like Baz. Anything involving a printed silk shirt or a floral brocade suit, so like, all of them? I love WS Baz, his fashion sense is so thoughtful yet fun. He’s so expressive with it — in the sense of both being guarded, being sexy, and playing with masculinity/femininity.

8. How do you feel about Wayward Son?

In case it wasn’t obvious, I absolutely love it. I mean, from a writing/narrative standpoint, I don’t think it’s the most elegant or engaging book ever written, but it’s just so raw and fresh. I don’t see many examples of an author trying to do what Rainbow did, which is build a complex emotional AND plot-driven story with so many characters and so much lore. I’m very excited for AWTWB.

9. Favourite scene from Carry On, besides Chapter 61

I like what the book does/sets up overall. Honestly probably the first scene, where Simon walks to the bus stop & takes the train and just thinks about his life and makes lists -- I love Simon. I know Rainbow said she thinks that bit is boring, but it honestly says so much about his character in a short time. (and he’s an extremely complex character!) Also, Baz’s dramatic entrance. Also, the chapter where Baz says “and I’m hopelessly in love with him” because it’s just so dramatic, and it comes out of nowhere

10. Favourite scene from Wayward Son, besides Chapter 41

Baz and Lamb’s journey across the Strip - vampire lore, jealous Simon, Baz getting to be his own character— it’s beautiful.

11. Remind us about something in canon readers might have forgotten about

Ahahaha um. Simon says he thinks Baz’s cousin Marcus is fit. That’s pretty funny.

12. What are your hopes and fears for Any Way the Wind Blows?

I don’t have any hopes because I don’t want to be disappointed - and that’s not a cynical thing, I just want to go into it with an open mind. (I’ll take a break from fandom and reread the books beforehand so I’m (more of) a blank slate) I guess just...interesting emotional journeys, whatever that ends up being. There’s a lot that Rainbow has to do in the book and I don’t think any one person could get through all of it -- that’s why we have fanfiction.

Fears? I don’t know. I think just...the series ending. Even though I’ve been in fandom for less than a year I just really love this fandom & the thought of that kind of eroding away is sad. But also I don’t think that will happen immediately, and change is a part of life. I’ve never related as much to Cath as I do now :’)

13. An unpopular/cracky opinion you hold

unpopular: Lamb is the best character; I don’t want Simon to get his magic back; both Simon and Baz should have other romantic options.

14. Something from your head fanon

Hmmmmmmm well. Just mean things about Baz really. Like that he’s weird looking, not that great at football, and actually has kind of garish fashion sense. (which is a self-roast as well - see above.) I just feel like Simon/fandom put him on a pedestal, and Simon’s an unreliable narrator re: Baz anyway. So I like the idea that Baz is this average looking kinda strange nerdy guy who is everything Simon has ever wanted in life.

And before you tell me that Baz was hot at Watford and Agatha was into him, have you ever been to a tiny boarding school? Standards get weird 😂😂😂 and Terry being into him — come on. The guy’s a violent pervert.

also - back to Watford being a tiny school. Baz doesn’t have much competition to be the star of the football team. (also, does anyone except Simon even think that he is?)

16. Favourite location other than Watford

Vegas!

17, Favourite location in Watford

I’m pretty bad at Watford lore/geography bc again, I’m way more into WS. Probably the floor in the Cloisters where everything happens the same way, just a day later. There’s a fic there, but I can’t wrap my head around all the time travel implications enough to write it.

18. What would be your favourite subject at Watford?

Any potions-esque subject because I loved chemistry lab. Latin because I loved Latin in school. Uhhhh I don’t like history class, so not that — maybe a literature course focused on the derivation of spells.

19. What would your magical implement be?

Ooh! This is a good one. I’d like to think it would be a weird body piercing. Or a belt a la Gareth. Maybe some kind of traditional south Asian jewelry, like a nose chain or mang-tikka or something. maybe a hat. like, imagine your magical instrument being a fedora and you just have to...wear a fedora all the time.

21. Favourite canon spell

Hm. Kiss it better? Candle in the wind?I should try to think of a non-horny one. honestly they’re all so cool and clever - I love the magic system in CO/WS.

22. What would your eighth year spell at Watford be or do?

Maybe something from a poem I love. That would probably be pretty but not very functional. Or a healing spell.

23. Who would you want as your roommate?

Agatha is uptight, Penny is passive aggressive, Simon is a slob, Baz is both uptight and passive aggressive.

Definitely Shepard.

24. Favourite item of merchandise, official or unofficial

My @subparselkie sticker

25. Favourite book cover design

WS. Oh, another unpopular opinion - I don’t like the kevin wada cover of carry on. their faces look so weird and the colors don’t work for me. I own the version with the blue and yellow cover art instead

26. Do you want a movie? If yes - any fan casts for the movie?

Probably wouldn’t want a movie! Because I am way too possessive of these books/this version of the story. And I am historically extremely disappointed by adaptations — I get upset with the smallest of changes 😂

27. If they made a movie, what scenes do you think they’d cut that you’d be furious were missing?

See above. A LOT haha

28. If you could ask Rainbow Rowell one question, what would it be? (If you have already, you can share if you like)

What is Lamb’s full name????? Is it actually Lamb Lambert Lamborghini the third???

What is Rainbow’s relationship with sheep and goats. Why are there so many references to them

29. Have you read any of Rainbow’s other books?

Only Fangirl

30. How did you get into Carry On and/or Carry On fandom?

I read fangirl & the pages at the end mentioned carry on, so I read that, and enjoyed it but I wasn’t obsessed. Then I read WS spring 2020, reread it a bunch of times, reread CO, freaked out about the cliffhanger/cool vampire stuff/unresolved sexual tension, had pandemic cabin fever, got on AO3, and the rest is history.

As @annabellelux knows, I wrote my first (published) fanfic after reading her amazing fic Drop The Game. and the first fanfic I read was @captain-aralias’ Greener Grass. I was so obsessed that about a month later, I searched through the AO3 tags for it, because I couldn’t remember the title or author but kept thinking about it.

[northlondonboy]

HappyBirthTay

After a difficult couple of day, I was inspired reading the birthday tributes to @taylorswift and decided to mark it by doing a piece mentioning every album track she's ever done. I can only apologise for the result. @taylornation

Ears pricked when I listened to Tim McGraw

Man when I first heard that my face was a Picture, had

To Burn your CD, cos that was we did then

It Used to take me so long I had Teardrops on My Guitar

Now your songs made me feel like I had A Place in This World

When all too often it just seemed Cold 

As You helped escape from The Outside, it was grey and vile

I was a bag of mess Tied Together with a Smile

It's hard for your dreams to Stay Beautiful

They told me to stop bothering and I Should've Said No

But at least we had Mary's Song

It felt like every song you wrote became Our Song, you know?

You helped me feel Fearless at Fifteen

Now that time weren't exactly my Love Story but Hey 

Stephen A says the haters inspire me

I had a lot weighing me down like a White Horse

But when I heard You Belong with Me I felt free- of course 

Because that album helped me Breathe when I felt ungloved

You ask Tell Me Why, and I say

I showed me you could be you, and say You're Not Sorry

And that meant I could just be The Way I Loved 

You made tunes that will stay with me Forever & Always

And whenever I hear a new one, well that's The Best Day

Those tracks helped me stand up strong when I felt spineless

And though times Change true quality is timeless

Then I felt like it was my time, I found something that was Mine

Had those Sparks Fly for me 

Like when you go Back to December and listen to the Christmas EP

I feel like I can Speak Now

Dear John from school, he weren't a bad lad 

I know that kids can be Mean I just hope I helped him fight back   

You see the The Story of Us had a funny end,

In some ways I guess we Never Grow Up

I knew I still felt Enchanted by that album   

And I found out finding peace was Better than Revenge

From innocent to Haunted, wasn't easy to face it   

I guess some things just can't Last 

Kiss goodbye to an era but Long Live the tunes that made it

2012 I was back to my old self like Sean in State of Grace

But I'd seen too many heroes in Red turn 

Treacherous, oh what a disgrace 

I Knew You Were Trouble in the best way,

Helped me to find the good times come what may

As for what my future held only time would tell

But Regret was something that I knew All Too Well

I was pushing 22

Still all too often a case of  I Almost Do

All those days We Are Never Ever Getting Back 

Togetherness is only way   

Cos you the need the real ones to Stay Stay Stay

That year was The Last Time I had to go to school and found out

One day I'd end up considering it Holy Ground

And that's Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

The place I had my lowest points but also home to magic   

Despite it all maybe I'm The Lucky One 

Everything Has Changed but your music's still a ray of sun

Everyone needs a Starlight to shine through the rain   

So many false starts but I Begin Again

My 2014 now that was dazzling, like a Welcome to New York

Learning to fill Blank Space with a Style of my own, starting to talk 

Wanting to get Out of the Woods someday, 

Telling myself I'd found where I belong and All You Had to Do Was Stay 

I'd love to Shake It Off if I could  

So many times my head told me I Wish You Would

Cos memories  of Bad Blood were like a running theme

Longing to break free and live my Wildest Dreams

I guess then it's just a question of How 

You Get the Girl, Get The Job, that's the plan for you now 

But This Love for 89 kept me feeling alive

It's thanks to that I Know Places that I'm proud to have been 

And even now every time it still gets my head Clean

3 years on, I wasn't for it Ready for It?

Stressed to reach the End Game

Worried I Did Something Bad

But a new chair to sit in is a new chance to fit  

Stil, I Don't Blame Me for being Delicate Look What You Made Me Do that's what I said when I failed selling it

So It Goes, I wanna be one of these sticking out their necks 

Feeling Gorgeous one minute 

Need a Getaway Car the next 

Saw the end of the reign of the King of My Heart

I’ll never forget that night when they said goodbye

Dancing with Our Hands Tied

Dress code black suit and tie 

I guess "This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, every dream has to die. 

I know Reputation was a little different, Call It What You Want to

And reliving it on New Year's Day? 

For that I have to thank you

2 years later but it's not like I Forgot That You Existed

Through a long Cruel Summer it was Lover that meant I persisted

From the boy to The Man but never quite The Archer 

Asked my mate for the secret I Think He Knows cos he found his Miss Americana,

And the Heartbreak Prince, well I guess that's me,

Cos even trying on Paper Rings risks injury 

Waiting for the bus off Cornelia Street but

The route faces Death by a Thousand Cuts

Still that city brings a little sense of joy 

Cos your song made me proud to be a London Boy

I finally reach my stop

There's a bloke with a megaphone shouting about a False God

Met police are telling him You Need to Calm Down

But he lives for infamy in this part of this part of town

Well it's times it's like you know 

I live for the Afterglow

And although I'm happy with Me! for company

It's Nice to Have a Friend and your music's there for me 

Even from the last thing at night to the following Daylight

So Happy Birthday to you, you're great like Bert and Ernie 

Enjoy the Christmas Tree Farm, here's to the next 30!

[bernuviels-inspiration]

Mike Shinoda's show in Zurich, 17. March 2019

I had the amazing chance to attend one of Mike’s concerts of the last Post Traumatic Tour. And it was absolutely awesome!

You can read all about my little adventure under the cut. It’s pretty long though. xD

I was very surprised when Mike announced a show in Switzerland, since we did pretty bad in the „WeDemand“ campaign and I barely knew any other Swiss fans. But I was so grateful and excited – Zurich is only about 20km from my home! In order to help make the show a success I founded a Facebook group for it. On show day we had 90 members! I had also joined the Linkin Park Street Team a while ago and they sent me some posters to put up. And I printed 1'000 flyers and distributed them around Zurich with some friends from the group. I met so many nice people from all over the world thanks to that group: Finland, Denmark, Brazil, Spain, USA, etc. And even finally some fellow Swiss fans! We planned flash mobs, painted a flag and even had a little meet up the day before the show. It was so much fun! Thank you LP Family, I love you all dearly. <3

Since I'm an LPU member, I tried my luck with the Meet & Greet contest again. And as usual when it comes to random, luck-based things, I had none. But there was another contest by the host of the event. They wanted us to tell them, why we deserve to win a Meet & Greet. Both of my sisters wrote beautiful, heartwarming comments about my commitment with the FB group and advertising, but also how I coped with Chester's death by drawing all those LP artworks and how much this band (and especially Mike) mean to me. Even complete strangers said, that they think I deserve it most. That moved me to tears! At first the tickets were given away to someone else. But one of the winners got ill and asked the host to give the ticket to someone who really wants it. And they chose me! I couldn't believe it! That was so nice of all of them. Thank you so much. <3 And so the most incredible thing happened: I got to meet my hero! The 16 lucky winners were taken into the cool London bus of a local radio station. There we all got to meet Mike one by one. It was awesome, but unfortunately also very brief. Everything happened so fast, that I didn't really have time to realize what was going on. I just remember that the first thought that went through my head when I stood in front of him was: “He is so CUTE!”. I mean, I knew that before, but he's even more adorable in real life and up close. xD I was very nervous and probably talked too much, which is very unlike me. But I could finally give Mike the Post Traumatic artwork I drew for him, which means my biggest dream came true. And he signed the second one for me. In the picture it looks as if he wanted to say something about it, but couldn't because I was blabbering too much – damn! I'm so sorry, Mike. Oh, and the hat was a gift to him from one of my friends from the group. I almost started laughing, when I realized he wore a jacket with the exact same pattern – that's so Mike! And also yay, free fluff. :D

After the Meet & Greet we were even allowed to go into the venue first! That meant front row! I've never been that close to a stage before and was super excited about it. I'm usually not the “front row type”, since I'm quite reluctant and shy. While waiting there, I saw a crew member put our Swiss flag onto Matt's keyboard. I texted the girl, who painted it and she was super happy about it. We succeeded with getting the flag to the crew through the M&G – I was damn proud of us! xD Then the “opening act” started. Well, it was more of a last minute stand in, since the original one (a local rapper) got canceled without any explanation. And so a young “DJ” was hiding behind his laptop, playing one song after another without doing any DJ-ing. They could have just turned the radio on, but it was okay. We weren't there for him anyway. And finally, showtime! Mike, Matt and Dan entered the stage with lots of applause from the crowd. They even started the set with a song that hasn't opened any sets on this tour before: When They Come For Me. I love this song, it's so much fun! I was just hoping that my parents, who I talked into coming to the show too (yes, I did that with everyone I knew xD), didn't catch a certain word. I didn't want them to think badly of Mike. xD Following was the probably most well-known (at least in Switzerland) Fort Minor song Remember The Name, also unusually early in the set. Then Mike took the first little break and welcomed the audience. That was our signal for the first flash mob! It was a very spontaneous one, inspired by a certain video, he has uploaded just a few days prior. The front row was shouting: More cowbell! Mike started laughing and walked over to Dan, who indeed had a cowbell on his drum set. Mike said “Just for you guys.” and played a hilarious cowbell intro to Ghosts, which is a kinda funny song anyway, thanks to the sock puppets. I was so happy: Another success and we even made Mike laugh! :D

Next Mike talked about a tweet from the same day, where someone was analyzing the chances of a song being played in his set. He doesn't like to be predictable, so he decided to screw up the statistics and play some extra rare songs tonight. Thank you, spreadsheet guy! xD The first song that came from this, was the hilariously sarcastic High Road. It's in my Top 3 FM songs and funnily enough, he played it last year in Cologne too – one of only 5 times on the tour! The following song had a high chance of being played and I love it very much: The emotional Roads Untraveled. During the “and if you need a friend, there's a seat here alongside me”, Mike pointed at the crowd again. That's just so nice of him! Then Mike played something super rare again, it was actually even a tour debut: Kenji! I know how much this song about the tragic history of his family means to Mike, so it was a great honor to hear it live. Some fans (including me) even made the peace sign at the end of the song, like he used to. That was really moving. And he continued with songs I love dearly, starting with the PT bonus track Prove You Wrong. Even though the melody sounds kinda sad, there is something so uplifting in those lyrics. Mike also put it into his Instagram stories and you can actually see me singing along. I sang every song as loud as I could, forgetting about my shyness for a while. It was amazing! The next song in the set was the only one that got me emotional in a negative way (but only for a second). I was prepared for In The End and his speech, but I was not prepared for Nobody Can Save Me. For a moment I was back on July 20th, sitting in the darkness of my room and singing along to the One More Light album while crying. Luckily I managed to snap out of that quickly, because I actually love this song. It's one of the best Linkin Park has ever written, in my opinion, because it has such a great message. Nobody can save us – only we ourselves can. And Mike sang so beautifully... What an honor to hear that live! Another OML song followed (luckily not OML itself, I just can't take that one): Sorry For Now. Dan played an amazing drum solo in the bridge and Mike added the demo verse of Lift Off afterwards. He then even rapped the chorus of Step Up, a super rare and old LP song! (I could tell, because barely anybody knew the answer to “Who can rock a rhyme like this?” - I swear I shouted “Like this!” as loud as I could. xD) I love Step Up! Especially in the amazing rock-hip hop medley with Nobody's Listening and It's Going Down, that LP used to play in the Meteora days. Mike then also introduced Dan, who got a lot of applause from the crowd. Later he also introduced Matt, by asking him since when he's even been there. Matt answered: “The entire tour, but sometimes I take bathroom breaks.”, which resulted in Mike laughing about his British accent. These dorks! There was also another crew member, that Mike introduced to us: Photographer Chady. Some Swiss friends of his had invited Mike to eat Raclette (melted cheese that you usually put on potatoes, pickles and pearl onions – it's very tasty!). Mike joked that eating lots of cheese before a show is really good for you. xD The set continued with PTs lead single Crossing A Line, which inspired my artwork. I just love how hopeful it is. During the song, Mike threw some guitar picks into the crowd. I wasn't trying to catch anything, since I already had that awesome signature and thought other fans deserved it more. But I guess Mike had other plans... During the bridge of the song he plays on his drum pads for a moment and then throws the sticks into the crowd blindly. Well, he tried to kill me with it! xD (Luckily I put the phone away, just a moment before the drumstick hit my hand. Damned it Mike, that hurt! xD)

He then played another PT song, which I love dearly: Hold It Together. The lyrics are pretty dark, but there is something very fun about the melody. The first mashup followed: Waiting For The End / Where'd You Go. The crowd's singing sounded amazing, especially in the outro, which is a piano version of WFTEs first verse and chorus. Mike praised us: “You guys have beautiful voices. You should sing more often, it's good for you.” Matt and Dan left the stage and Mike started this calm piano playing and speech. Time for our second flash mob! We held up signs that said: “Music Inspiration Kindness Emotion”. This time there were even more signs than for the first one. (I spent quite some time inviting every fan to join our flash mob before the show and handing out the signs I designed.) Mike noticed them, curiously asking “What are those?” Then he realized it: “That's my name! That's very kind. Thank you guys very much, that's cool.“ He seemed so happy and both of our flash mobs were a success! He then continued with his speech, saying that he doesn't want these shows to be sad, but to celebrate Chester's life instead. The crowd cheered very loudly for Chester for several minutes! And then we all sang the beautiful piano version of In The End together. After that, Mike asked us if we wanted to sing another song. Is that even a question?! xD He started to play Heavy, but stopped before the singing part, because he thought the crowd would want another song more. I already got worried during the show and it really hurt me, when I saw all the hate the Swiss crowd got on social media from people who weren't even there... As if we wouldn't know the words to Heavy... It's the most played LP song on the Swiss radio! We would have loved to sing it! (Me especially, because my father was in the crowd and he really likes that song.) But Mike decided that Numb would be a better fit, maybe even to not make everyone too sad. Numb is my favorite Linkin Park song, because it's the one that made me fall in love with the band in the first place. And it was awesome to sing it with so many people. The Swiss crowd did a great job! Video: In The End & Numb (with Mike's speech & reaction to the second flash mob) They closed the main set with my favorite medley of the tour: About You / Over Again / Papercut. Even though it reminds me a lot of Chester (About You & Over Again are the PT songs that are most about him) and it's really painful to see Mike perform Papercut's bridge alone, I could also enjoy it. Everyone was jumping around and shouting during Papercut. That song is just so great! Mike, Matt and Dan then left the stage for the encore break. The crowd started to sing “lift me up, let me go”, but not as loud as in Italy a few days before. We are just a generally reluctant nation. The hall also wasn't as full as I hoped it would be. There were probably around 2'000 people. Hopefully we did well enough for Mike to want to come back to Switzerland. After a few minutes, Mike, Matt and Dan sneaked back on stage, hiding behind their instruments. As if we wouldn't notice them anyway! Such dorks. xD They played a beautiful instrumental version of Robot Boy, which really let their skills and teamwork shine. It's so sad to think that this is the last Post Traumatic tour. Matt and Dan have really grown on me and it's hard to see them leave. Mike then sang a beautiful PT song I haven't heard live before and that wasn't even originally planned: World's On Fire. I know he wrote it for his wife Anna (and his kids), who is a wonderful person too, but it was as if the crowd was singing it for Mike. It's true, when the world's on fire, all we need is him. I'm so grateful that he shared PT with us! He led us all through the grief and darkness that followed Chester's death. And that night it was obvious, that we are in a much better place now. Following was the beautiful, consoling Castle Of Glass, one of my favorite LP songs. And then they played the second PT single Make It Up As I Go. Such an amazing song and it always reminds me of those hilarious moth memes. xD Mike encouraged us to sing his part of the chorus while directly looking at me. I was singing my heart out! He smiled and shouted “yeah!” That was an awesome moment. I rarely felt so appreciated like on that day, not just by Mike but also by the other fans. The last mashup followed: Good Goodbye / Bleed It Out (including a drunken pirate who wanted to give Mike a kiss xD) and the crowd went wild! For Running From My Shadow, the last song of the set, Mike came down to the crowd as he always does. He stood on the barricade just about two meters away from me. It was great to see him have so much fun up close! Afterwards he high-fived the front row (including me :D) and returned to the stage. He smashed one of Dan's cymbals until the end of the song and then soaked us in water. When Mike left the stage, he stopped at our Swiss flag and blew it a kiss. I loved seeing that, because it gave me hope that we didn't disappoint him and he might come back someday.

I still can't believe all of this actually happened! I made new friends from all over the world. I met my hero and finally got to give him my artwork. I got to spend the entire show in front row, super close to Mike. They played so many amazing songs and had so much fun. The flash mobs worked out and our flag made it on stage. All my hard work payed off. I really enjoyed this concert, it was a once in a lifetime experience. Thank you so much, everyone! I hope I'll see you all again soon. ;)

[womenofcolor15]

‘Set It Off,’ ‘Clockers’ Star Thomas Jefferson Byrd Fatally Shot In Atlanta, Spike Lee & Viola Davis React To The Tragedy

In very tragic news, actor Thomas Jefferson Byrd – who starred in Set It Off and tons of Spike Lee films – was reportedly murdered in Atlanta over the weekend. Spike Lee, Viola Davis and more took to social media to pay tribute to the famed actor. More inside…

2020 isn’t letting up.

Famed actor Thomas Jefferson Byrd – known for starring in several Spike Lee films – was reportedly shot and killed in Atlanta over the weekend. He was 70.

According to police spokesman Officer Anthony Grant, police responded to a call around 1:45AM Saturday and found the Set It Off actor unresponsive with multiple gunshot wounds in his back. He was pronounced dead at the scene on the city’s southwest side, where he resided.

Homicide detectives are currently investigating the shooting to determine what happened and declined to provide further details.

After learning of his murder, Oscar winning director Spike Lee hopped on social media to pay tribute to his longtime collaborator. Thomas starred in tons of Spike Lee films, including, Clockers, Chi-Raq, Bamboozled, He Got Game and more.

He was also nominated for a Tony Award in 2003 for his performance in the Broadway revival of "Ma Rainey's Black Bottom," co-starring Whoopi Goldberg and Charles S. Dutton.

        View this post on Instagram

                  I’m So Sad To Announce The Tragic Murder Of Our Beloved Brother Thomas Jefferson Byrd Last Night In Atlanta,Georgia. Tom Is My Guy,Here Below You See Him As The Frightening Character Errol Barnes In CLOCKERS. Brother Byrd Also Did His Thang In My Joints- CHI-RAQ,SWEET BLOOD OF JESUS, RED HOOK SUMMER,BAMBOOZLED,HE GOT GAME,GET ON THE BUS,GIRL 6 And CLOCKERS. May We All Wish Condolences And Blessings To His Family. Rest In Peace Brother Byrd.

A post shared by Spike Lee (@officialspikelee) on Oct 4, 2020 at 10:40am PDT

"I’m So Sad To Announce The Tragic Murder Of Our Beloved Brother Thomas Jefferson Byrd Last Night In Atlanta,Georgia,” Spike wrote on Instagram. “Tom Is My Guy,Here Below You See Him As The Frightening Character Errol Barnes In CLOCKERS. Brother Byrd Also Did His Thang In My Joints- CHI-RAQ,SWEET BLOOD OF JESUS, RED HOOK SUMMER,BAMBOOZLED,HE GOT GAME,GET ON THE BUS,GIRL 6 And CLOCKERS. May We All Wish Condolences And Blessings To His Family. Rest In Peace Brother Byrd.”

Spike posted several tributes to the late actor:

        View this post on Instagram

                  This Is The Introduction Scene Of Thomas Jefferson Byrd’s Dope Fiend Character Errol Barnes In CLOCKERS With Strike

A post shared by Spike Lee (@officialspikelee) on Oct 4, 2020 at 11:22am PDT

        View this post on Instagram

                  With KRS-1 Blasting OUTTA HERE Our Late,Great Brother Thomas Jefferson Byrd As ERROL BARNES Meets His Demise From A Young Black Child.

A post shared by Spike Lee (@officialspikelee) on Oct 4, 2020 at 12:30pm PDT

        View this post on Instagram

                  The Late Great, Our Brother Thomas Jefferson Byrd As "HONEYCUTT" Auditioning In BAMBOOZLED.

A post shared by Spike Lee (@officialspikelee) on Oct 4, 2020 at 1:41pm PDT

        View this post on Instagram

                  Our Brother Thomas Jefferson Byrd As Da Pimp “SWEETNESS” Of Coney Island In HE GOT GAME. Photo By David Lee. May Brother Byrd Be Flying Through Those Heavenly Pearly Gates. AMEN

A post shared by Spike Lee (@officialspikelee) on Oct 4, 2020 at 8:18pm PDT

A Fall From Grace actress Crystal Fox paid tribute to Thomas, including a statement from the Byrd family:

        View this post on Instagram

                  These loses are becoming unbearable! But no more for me than the family of this artistic giant of a friend (whom I’ve worked with & known since I was a teenager) I/we loved & have now lost!! First I promised to share this from The Byrd family: ‘Thomas is no longer on this earth plane. The kids and I are still reeling and trying to process. Please respect our privacy as we work thru this very difficult time.’ As for me I know I’m not alone in this thing as I am ‘fighting’ to protect my heart & keep my emotions from driving me crazy but only God can do that when the list of sorrows continues to grow!! Let me be extremely clear, the Lord has been gracious & merciful to me ALL of my life & He continues to bless me everyday & with every breath in my body but at THIS moment THIS human being is HEARTBROKEN .........I LOVE YOU T. BYRD!!! More than a hashtag

A post shared by @ only1crystalfox on Oct 4, 2020 at 12:32pm PDT

”These loses are becoming unbearable! But no more for me than the family of this artistic giant of a friend (whom I’ve worked with & known since I was a teenager) I/we loved & have now lost!!,” Crystal wrote. “First I promised to share this from The Byrd family:

‘Thomas is no longer on this earth plane. The kids and I are still reeling and trying to process. Please respect our privacy as we work thru this very difficult time.’

”As for me I know I’m not alone in this thing as I am ‘fighting’ to protect my heart & keep my emotions from driving me crazy but only God can do that when the list of sorrows continues to grow!!"

”Let me be extremely clear, the Lord has been gracious & merciful to me ALL of my life & He continues to bless me everyday & with every breath in my body but at THIS moment THIS human being is HEARTBROKEN .........I LOVE YOU T. BYRD!!! More than a hashtag."

Oscar-winning actress Viola Davis reacted to news of the YBF actor’s murder.

Oh no!!! 2020! Whaaattt!!! Loved working with you Byrd. What a fine actor you were. So sorry your life ended this way. Praying for your family. So very sorry. https://t.co/R9YxP4gNW4

— Viola Davis (@violadavis) October 4, 2020

"Oh no!!! 2020! Whaaattt!!!,” she tweeted. “Loved working with you Byrd. What a fine actor you were. So sorry your life ended this way. Praying for your family.”

  "Queen Sugar" star Omar Dorsey shared how TJB inspired his acting career: 

          View this post on Instagram

                  The jewels T Byrd dropped on me as a teenager and a young adult are a part of my DNA. I wanted to be an actor because of him. Watching him control a stage, marveling. Rest in paradise Thomas Jefferson Byrd.

A post shared by Dorsey (@omarjdorsey) on Oct 5, 2020 at 4:15am PDT

    "OITNB" actress Lori Petty also shared a tweet about the talented actor:

- Rest In Peace, Thomas Jefferson Byrd......what a man, what a talent...what a crazy loss. Thank U for always giving all of U I Love U #macarthurpark @ Venice Beach https://t.co/yqAkU6G8Xp

— loripetty (@loripetty) October 4, 2020

Nasser Metcalfe – a friend of Thomas’ – also memorialized his friend:

        View this post on Instagram

                  I am beyond devastated. I just learned that my dear brother Thomas Jefferson Byrd’s life was senselessly taken in Atlanta over the weekend. I cannot make any sense of this. He was the kindest, most generous spirited person you could ever know. So full of life and energy and could always make you laugh. Who would want to do this to him??? May you rest in heavenly glory my brother. Thank you for all the beautiful memories over the many years of our friendship. You lit up the stage, you lit up the screen and you lit up the world. I will miss you terribly. I LOVE YOU!! #ThomasJeffersonByrd

A post shared by Nasser Metcalfe (@nassmet) on Oct 4, 2020 at 12:31pm PDT

A brilliant life taken away. Such a tragedy.

We send our condolences to his family, friends and fans! May he Rest in Power!

Photo: @byrdeyeviews

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2020/10/05/%E2%80%98set-it-off%E2%80%99-%E2%80%98clockers%E2%80%99-star-thomas-jefferson-byrd-fatally-shot-in-atlanta-spike-lee-viol

[danieldrylie]

David Foster Wallace, Falling On Black Days, And The Beauty Of Anachronism

Every New Year, like clockwork—pun intended—our Facebook feeds, newspages, Twitters, and Instagrams are flooded with “People We Lost” articles. Usually, I would click through, thinking, “Oh, I liked that movie/song/photo.” Everybody dies, though, and I wouldn’t think too much else of it.

This year is different.

In the beginning of The End of the Tour, David Lipsky (played by Jesse Eisenberg) receives a phone call from his editor, informing him that David Foster Wallace had died. Lipsky finds the old tapes of his interviews with him during the publicity tour for Infinite Jest, and listens to them, reminiscing on his time with the writer.

In May, a familiar face popped up on my newsfeed. It was unlike the time Bob Dylan did, when I had a moment of panic, fearing he was dead (thankfully, he only won a Nobel Prize). The face I saw was too young. He wasn’t supposed to die yet, and I assumed he must have won an award or released an album. Like Lipsky, my stomach dropped through the floor.

Chris Cornell died. He was 52.

Although they weren’t the most famous band out of Seattle in the late 80s and early 90s, Soundgarden was the first grunge band to sign with a major label. They seemed poised to break out of the local scene, and they did, although Nirvana beat them to the punch. They had it all: a guitarist with a distinct style, who would incorporate elements of Indian music into their sound, much like The Beatles, the Stones, or Zeppelin before them, except with the added authenticity of actually being of Indian heritage. They had a skilled drummer and bassist.

And, they had a singer with a unique voice. He could almost be compared to Axl Rose, except without the whiny, piercing, almost Disney witch vocal quality. Chris Cornell had a haunting baritone you could feel in your bones, and transitioned seamlessly between octaves, often making me give up trying to sing along while I drove to work.

Soundgarden wasn’t typified by social activism like a band that came to the scene later, Pearl Jam. They weren’t the blind rage and angst of Nirvana. Though they could be very heavy when they wanted, they weren’t the groovy, thrashy grunge of Alice in Chains. They were honest, skilled musicians, and their style was comparable to early Black Sabbath. They wrote endlessly creative music, with existential, often brutal lyrics about depression, God, addiction, and finding a place in the world.

Those were the qualities that drew me in when I first started listening to Soundgarden, about twenty years too late. The lyrics resonated, and the instrumentation kept me interested. Chris sang about things that I had felt myself. Their music became a model for processing suffering with art. In fact, my first short story was named after the Soundgarden song, The Day I Tried To Live.

It surprised me how upset I was by the news of his death. Although I was a big fan, they weren’t the only band I listened to regularly, and I was too old to have any sort of Beatle-manic level of obsession with any musician. Sure, I was sad when Prince and David Bowie passed. But, many of my favorite artists were dead already.

Chris was different. He killed himself. I couldn’t get past that. Anyone who listened to his music knew he struggled with depression and addiction. Is there is something about art that attracts hurting people? That seemed to be true of grunge music. It was unexpected, still. He appeared to have beat his demons. It looked like he was on the other side. Just a few hours before he died, he was performing on stage, smiling. He looked happy.

Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Scott Weiland, and now Chris Cornell. They were the leaders of a movement that rejected the excesses of bands that came before. They were more Velvet Underground than Def Leppard, and their authenticity endeared them to young people in the early 90s who were equally as annoyed with big hair, spandex, and tacky songs about sex.

They died in unglamorous ways: above the garage with a shotgun, malnourished and anemic in a locked apartment, overdosed in a bus, and suffocated in a bathroom. Despite the fact that some may want to turn them into something almost mythological, their deaths were not poetic.

There are children who miss them, families who eat with an empty chair at the table, and empty notebooks that will never be filled with their words. Still, people romanticize it, like addiction and suicide were terms of the devil’s deal, as if Cobain would have never been great without taking a shotgun to that room in 1994. Their deaths are tragic, and terrifying, and some have the impression that turning suffering into art cemented their fates, like they needed it to create anything remarkable.

It is much the same with David Foster Wallace. Even with all the brilliance in his writing, it is impossible to ignore the haunting descriptions of depression and isolation. The End of the Tour communicates this well, portraying him living in a house with only his dogs and piles of his own books filling the guest bedroom.

You don’t meet any of his friends in his town. His friends from college are scattered around the country, and even there, you can see a divide between Wallace and them. At one point, he and Lipsky get into an argument, and Lipsky accuses him of trying desperately to come off as normal, and not a genius, as if he fears being himself completely would drive people away.

Those conversations are part of what makes the movie so good. Maybe, if I was a better person, I would have only taken that away. But, there was one thing that kept bothering me, and it had nothing to do with the story, or so I thought.

It may have been a result of the project’s budget. It bothered me, despite how much I adore the film. Multiple times throughout the movie, there are discrepancies in the background. They would be walking through a parking lot, and I could see cars in the background that were produced fifteen years after the events portrayed, making it difficult to believe I was watching two men in the mid-90s.

It broke the illusion. I would remember that I wasn’t watching David Foster Wallace and David Lipsky argue outside of an airport, but Jesse Eisenberg and Jason Segel pretending to argue outside of an airport.

However, as I reflect on this year, I see it now as an artistic element, intentional or not. The new cars in the background whisper into my ear, “This isn’t real. He is gone.” That is the beauty of it, in a dark way. Those anachronisms are a reminder that something has changed irreversibly. It can’t actually be Wallace on screen there. He is dead.

That is how it will always be, whether is is the moment when you see through a hologram of Tupac at Coachella, or you are reminded that it is only an actor with a bandana, or you listen to a cover of Black Hole Sun and realize it will always feel a little out of place without Chris singing it. The inconsistencies destroy the mythology, leaving the reality of loss in the forefront. There is nothing poetic there, only something missing.

The end of the movie has a dreamlike presence. Lipsky is reading at a bookstore, like he was before he left to interview David Foster Wallace, and it cuts in and out of him with Wallace, but the only sounds are his own words about the man, and a rising score in the background. Everything is foggy, ethereal in a way, like the light reflecting through the windows and diffused in the haze is memory itself, becoming brighter, but less clear at the same time.

We see Wallace dancing, smiling, happy. Lipsky cries while he reads and thinks of his friend. That is the tragedy. We are never really alone, even in our darkest moments. But, those moments can push us away from the people who care about us, and eclipse all the wonderful things in life.

Wallace will never write again, and Cornell will never sing again. The anachronism in The End of the Tour is a reminder to everyone who ever hurt and created that—while beauty may be extracted from pain—losing the fight against that pain is not art, but the loss of art.

Chris Cornell was not a great songwriter simply because of his struggles. He was a great songwriter who turned his struggles into art. David Foster Wallace was not a great writer because he was depressed. He was a great writer who turned his depression, fear, joy, and desires into some of the most incredible writing of the last 100 years, and—in a period of extreme darkness—lost the light and joy that can be found in spite of and out of pain.

[movietvtechgeeks]

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Nick Viall not feeling Vanessa Grimaldi and Donald Trump low blows Mika

Rumors have recently come to light, claiming that things are rocky between Bachelor couple Nick Viall and Vanessa Grimaldi. As you may know, Nick and Vanessa got engaged at the end of the last season of The Bachelor, in which Nick presented the Montreal-native with the final rose. While the two have been together for several months now, sources close to the pair say that things may not end up working out for the reality show lovebirds. Just last weekend, both Nick and Vanessa were spotted in Puerto Vallarta, as they attended fellow Bachelor stars Carly Waddell and Evan Bass’s wedding. Despite being in such a romantic setting, according to insiders, Vanessa and Nick looked quite “miserable” while at the ceremony. One source that was on the same flight as the duo coming back from Mexico told media publication US Weekly, “[Nick and Vanessa] didn’t exchange five words the entire flight [from Mexico back to Los Angeles]. They were angled completely away from each other.” The same source went on to spill, “Nick grabbed his bag and ran ahead of Vanessa…they really don’t seem to like each other.” Ever since they wrapped up Nick’s season of The Bachelor, both Vanessa and Nick have been bombarded with wedding-related questions. However, the reality show couple has been adamant that they are looking to take things “slow” and let their relationship naturally evolve. Insiders have been telling the media that the two stars are constantly bickering with each other. One Bachelor insider claimed, “It’s not a solid relationship, and it won’t last.” Unfortunately, the success rate of Bachelor couples is extremely low. In fact, the Bachelor star before Nick, Ben Higgins, just recently split from the winner of his season, Lauren Bushnell. We will just have to wait and see if Nick and Vanessa are able to make it past this rocky patch in their relationship or if Nick will return to the franchise for the fourth time… President Donald Trump ridiculed the looks and temperament of a female cable television host whose show he says he has stopped watching. In a series of tweets Thursday morning, the president went after Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough, who have criticized Trump on their MSNBC show "Morning Joe." https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/880408582310776832 "I heard poorly rated @Morning Joe speaks badly of me (don't watch anymore). Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came ... to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year's Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!" https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/880410114456465411 Brzezinski responded on Twitter by posting a photograph of a Cheerios box that has the phrase "made for little hands." Critics looking to get under the president's skin have long suggested that his hands appear smaller than usual for his frame. https://twitter.com/morningmika/status/880415526371176448 "It's a sad day for America when the president spends his time bullying, lying and spewing petty personal attacks instead of doing his job," NBC News spokeswoman Lorie Acio said in a statement. The White House did not immediately respond to questions about the tweets, including what it was that set the president off. About two hours before the president's tweets, Brzezinski said on the show that "it's not normal behavior" for any leader to be tweeting about people's appearances, bullying, lying, undermining managers and throwing people under the bus. Saying that if any business executive behaved the way Trump does, "There would be concern that perhaps the person who runs the company is out of his mind." On their Wednesday show, Brzezinski and Scarborough roundly mocked Trump for displaying in several of his golf resorts a fake Time Magazine cover featuring himself. "That's needy," Brzezinski said on the show. About 15 minutes before the president himself tweeted, White House social media director Dan Scavino similarly attacked the hosts. "#DumbAsARockMika and lover #JealousJoe are lost, confused & saddened since @POTUS @realDonaldTrump stopped returning their calls! Unhinged," Scavino wrote on his personal account. Trump was correct that the MSNBC hosts spent time at the president's Florida resort, a visit that Scarborough said was to arrange a Trump interview. The hosts confirmed they are engaged to be married earlier this month. Is it actually the Hello, Goodbye tour for Adele? Pop superstar Adele has hinted that her current tour for Grammy-winning album "25" will be her last. The 29-year-old included a signed, handwritten note in the program for her Wednesday night show at Wembley Stadium in London stating, "I don't know if I'll ever tour again and so I want my last time to be at home." Her announcement comes at the end of a 15-month tour throughout Europe, the US, Australia and New Zealand. "Touring is a peculiar thing, it doesn't suit me particularly well," she said. The "Hello" singer will perform three more shows in London, finishing her tour on Sunday after a total of 123 performances. Rob Lowe says he thought he was going to be killed during an encounter with a bigfoot creature while filming his new A&E docuseries. Lowe tells Entertainment Weekly the encounter took place in the Ozark Mountains, which stretch between Arkansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma. Lowe says he and his sons were camping there to investigate a Bigfoot-like creature known to locals as a "wood ape" during a shoot for "The Lowe Files" when something began to approach their camp. Lowe says he was lying on the ground thinking he was going to be killed. He adds that he's "fully aware" the story makes him sound like "a crazy, Hollywood kook." "The Lowe Files" follows the actor and sons Matthew and John Owen as they explore mysterious phenomena across the country. Michelle Rodriguez is threatening to leave "The Fast and the Furious" franchise unless its female characters are treated differently. Rodriguez wrote on Instagram on Tuesday that she hopes filmmakers decide "to show some love to the women of the franchise" in its next installment. If not, she says, she "just might have to say goodbye."

Gary Gray directed the eighth film in the series, "The Fate of the Furious," and is defending the treatment of women in that movie.

He tells Business Insider he "thought the combination of female characters was pretty strong." Gray notes that Charlize Theron played the antagonist in the film and Helen Mirren made a cameo. The ninth film in the franchise is due out in 2019. MTV says it doesn't condone driving under the influence after a cast member was shown nodding off behind the wheel during the most recent episode of "Teen Mom OG." Monday's episode of the reality series shows Ryan Edwards nodding off while driving fiancee Mackenzie Standifer to their elopement. Standifer eventually turned the dashboard cameras off and questioned Edwards on whether he took Xanax. Edwards denied doing so. An MTV representative says Edwards' "erratic behavior was due to actions that he took without anyone's prior knowledge." No production members were in the vehicle during the shoot. The couple got married during the episode. Edwards says he entered rehab facility more than 30 days ago. He says he is at home now and "life could not be better." Forest fires affect hundreds, if not thousands, of Americans every year. This year is no different, as forest fires continue to pop up across the country. Unfortunately, Big Bang Theory star Johnny Galecki’s home got caught up in one of these fires earlier this week. According to numerous reports, Johnny’s Californian home was completely destroyed, as it found itself in the path of a massive forest fire. The actor’s home, which was situated in the Santa Margarita area, fell victim to a 1200-acre fire that devastated the surrounding area. As of Tuesday, Johnny had yet to see the damage. However, sources claim that the star was planning to return to his destroyed home once he got the all clear from local firefighters. In a statement made to TMZ, Johnny addressed the tragic situation, saying, “My heart goes out to all in the area who are also experiencing loss from this vicious fire, the threat of which we live with constantly, which may seem crazy to some but we do so because living in a beautiful, rural area makes it worthwhile.” The 42-year-old actor went on to say, “Endless thanks to CalFire and the Sheriff’s Office. I know you guys are fighting the good fight to keep us safe. So very relieved no one has been hurt.” Tennis superstar Serena Williams is the latest female celebrity to bare it all while pregnant. On the latest issue of Vanity Fair, Serena shows off her beautiful bump while posing fiercely for the cover. Serena’s longtime friend, famous photographer Annie Leibovitz, took the photo, which showcases Serena’s incredible-as-ever shape. In addition to starring on the cover of VF, Serena also gave an exclusive interview to the magazine; in which, she spoke candidly about her pregnancy. When asked about how she felt when she first learned she was pregnant, Serena revealed, “I did a double take, and my heart dropped. Like literally it dropped, ‘Oh my god, this can’t be - I’ve got to play a tournament. How am I going to play the Australian Open? I had planned on winning Wimbledon (her third straight) this year.’” Now, even though she is a number of months along in her pregnancy, Serena told Vanity Fair that she continues to be stunned by the fact that she’ll soon be a mother. The tennis athlete gushed, “It just doesn’t seem real. I don’t know why ‘Am I having a baby?’ I don’t know what to do with a baby. I have nothing...I’ve done absolutely nothing for the baby room.’” Fortunately, Serena has her fiancé Alexis Ohanian by her side, who surprised her a few months back with a proposal. When asked about her fiancée’s proposal, Serena admitted that she did [somewhat] see it coming. She told Vanity Fair, “I knew it was coming. I was like ‘Serena, you’re 35, you’re ready. This is what you want.’” You can see more of Serena in the August issue of Vanity Fair.

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[thingsthatnobodycaresabout]

this is something I wrote so I'd have a summary of my general situation

I don’t care about people.

I know this doesn’t sound like something out of the ordinary but in my case it is. It’s not just about not caring about the general public or people from my community, I don’t care about the people that others may consider to be my friends or even my family.

I understand the general concept of sympathy and empathy and I act as though I am feeling these emotions but it’s more of an imitation of what I think society sees as the norm than me actually experiencing it. I’m pretty good at faking emotions and most people that know me would probably describe me as friendly and polite but at the same time also as quiet and introverted. I’m pretty content with this perception that people have of me because it is something that is overall positive but still lets people know that I’m not a particularly social person. That is also the reason that I get left alone by most people that I want don’t want to be bothered by, which is exactly what I want.

It took me a while to figure out that not everyone in the world was doing the same thing as me. It didn’t appear to me that the emotions other people expressed were what they really felt on the inside and not just a set of rules that they abided by in order for our society to work peacefully. Luckily I never was very sociable, not even as a child, and didn’t tell anyone about my thoughts because I would have probably ended up in some kind of mental institution.

The act of caring for one another on an emotional level is still weird to me. From what I understand most people feel a need to be around people that they like or even love in order to be happy.

I never felt anything like that.

I’m convinced that I am unable to love. I don’t love my friends. I don’t love my family. I don’t care for them. I know that I need them to survive or I at least needed them in the early years of my life but that doesn’t mean that I liked them for what they did for me. It was more an appreciation but it also felt like it was their duty to do all those things for me.

I feel similar about my friends. They are people that I generally enjoy being around but for reasons that may seem weird to an average person.

I know that I need social bonds and at least some kind of communication with other people in order for me to not go completely insane. That is why I have friends. They are a way of keeping my brain healthy which is my overall top priority in life. They’re generally people with similar interests to mine and help me get my mind in order.

But I still only care genuinely about myself and want to get the best possible outcome for my life with the smallest amount of effort.

For that the way people see me as a person is very important because people that do not fit into the average public, have it a lot harder in life. That’s why I still keep my whole ‘feeling emotions’ act up. I get satisfaction from other people’s good opinions about myself and want them to think of me as an overall nice and normal individual.

I don’t feel any particular way about the way I am. I don’t like or dislike it. I would say that it has a lot of benefits though. Not feeling a lot of emotions helps me to keep my mental state stable and my thoughts is order.

Love is something that I can’t relate to. The closest thing to it I experience are crushes. It’s almost ridiculous how often I get them. They’re not like regular crushes though, I don’t want to be near the person and cuddle them or kiss them or stuff like that. I just find them interesting or nice to look at in a non sexual way. There are at least three boys that I have a crush on right now and it’s very hard to describe.

One weakness of mine is longer hair and even though I’m convinced that I don’t have a type two of them look very similar. Blonde, tall, blue eyed and the. best. smile. omg. Ok just to show you…this feeling is the most thing similar to emotions that I experience on a regular basis and it makes me crazy.

The other boy is different. I’ve only seen him three times total. I still remember the first time I saw him. We were very drunk. He was not sad that night but I heard the stories. I could tell that he went through some stuff.

Sadness  fascinates me. I think it’s because it’s one of the most visible but often also the best hidden emotion. I haven’t experienced sadness on a deep level myself. When I was younger I often mistook my feelings of anger, disappointment or overwhelm for sadness. I don’t think they’re the same. Anger is perhaps the only real thing is feel aside from joy. Then again I haven’t really experienced any tragic events in my life at least none that I saw as such. But this misconception of mine is probably why I’m still so interested in sadnesses. oh well.

He had dark hair and was a lot taller than me and he waited for my bus with me. I hugged him. A lot. And I told him that he matters and not to be so fucking sad all the time. I do that a lot. I think it’s because helping people is something that is considered a very nice thing and it makes me look better. But yeah…he just hugged me back and I don’t even know…it was nice. But yeah. I’d never want to date him, I’m not even sure if I should see him again…I don’t even know if I want to. Every time I knew that he would be there I told myself not to talk to him. I managed once. I didn’t the last time. I got wasted. We talked for hours and i don’t remember what about. He smokes; and he does it in the most beautiful way. If you’ve never seen someone who smokes, not for show or for joy but because they simply do not care whether they live or die then you’ve never seen the beauty of cigarettes. I hate the taste. I tried a couple of times but I just don’t like them. Probably good for me but it doesn’t stop me from finding them beautiful to look at…at least if they’re smoked by the right person. He is. He’s so fucking pretty…I don’t know. I just like looking at pretty things. I thinks that’s something that all people enjoy. For me people that have something intriguing about them are pretty. Like a good taste in music, a fascination with something that I don’t know a lot about, nice hair or some dark secret they don’t want to talk about. I have a weakness for tall, sad boys that don’t care what people think and are funny and smile when I smile and whose laughs makes my stomach twitch.

I’ve known one of the blonde guys since I can remember but I only see him twice a year. The crush thing developed pretty late though. I think it was two or three years ago. He had the good taste in music. Nowadays he also has the good hair. He also played ukulele for me which was great…I don’t think about him in a romantic way though. This crush is more about me wanting to have him as a good friend because he is interesting in a lot of different ways. He thinks a lot. Like me. He also has great friends and does stuff I would love to do here but can’t. He’s spontaneous and just an overall great person. I don’t know.

The last boy is in my school. We only have a few classes together but when we do I can’t. fucking. stop. looking. at. him. He always cuts his hair when it looks the best. When it’s just the right length. When he has to get it out of his face every few minutes. I hate it when he looks at me. I can’t focus when he’s looking at me. It’s like he looks through my eyes. Like he pays attention to everything I do. Like he looks inside my head to see what I’m thinking. And his smile is….really great. He does it a lot but it’s contagious. Just like his laugh…he’s very funny.

Everything he does looks beautiful. Even the way he eats his sandwiches. It’s fucking stupid. He always eats them with just one hand. I guess most guys do. I just only noticed it with him. I like his nose. It’s just the tiniest bit too big. It’s adorable. I have PE with him this year. It’s my last year of school. I have a feeling that if we had seen each other more often things would be different. I don’t know in which way. I would never want to do anything with him though. Other than looking at him. He’s too pretty for me not to look.

Well.

This is the only thing I think is kind of a normal reaction to things that I experience. Aesthetic crushes.

I’ve never experienced any form of attraction except aesthetic. I’ve never wanted to be with anyone sexually. Romantically I think I have. Not in an overly romantic way though. Hugging people is something I enjoy. Being hugged is a great feeling. But I don’t think I would feel a need to go further than that. I think that’s a good trait of mine. Relationships seem so tiring. Also I don’t think I’ll ever find someone that I could spend more than a day at a time with. Most people get boring as soon as I get to know them.       

Which is why I don’t want to get close to any of the boys I have a crush on. I don’t know any of them that well. That’s what keeps me interested because even if they still look the same they lose that sense of mystery. The beauty that I see in them would get lost. I don’t want that. These crushes make me feel things. They’re one of the only things that make me feel something, which is a great change from the overall numbness or aggression that is commonly found inside my head. It’s very hard to express all this in words. I hope people understand.