#ok. ok. im about to get into a spiral time to try something else

[mysunshinetemptress]

Anxiety (lil McCabe universe)

Leah Williamson x McCabe!reader!ex

Magdalena Eriksson x Pernille Harder x McCabe!reader!platonic

Warnings: Talks of anxiety, not edited or proofread

You’re anxious, a feeling that has followed you around way longer than you would like to admit, a feeling that has consumed you way longer than your family, your Mam, knows about, longer than anyone knows about.

You had tried to tell her about the funny feeling you had as a kid, your little heart racing, your mind spinning, spiraling into the never-ending feeling of fear, but there was always something else, someone else. It wasn’t your Mam’s fault, nor was it your siblings’. They had things they needed her for, their own problems. Your Mam had her own problems. Surely this feeling, this sickening feeling, wasn’t as important as your siblings’ feelings, their needs and wants. They were older, so much older, they had more serious problems, more important problems and feelings than this feeling you were dealing with, right?

You didn't know why you so sick, it was so much more than butterflies, defenitly not excitement, it wasn't until you had been all grown up and earning enough money to visit a doctor did you get a diagnosis.

"Miss McCabe, you suffer from anxiety"

You had felt a weight being liftied off you the moment your feelings had been givien a name, that you weren't just looking for attention, you weren't just making it up, made you feel so much lighter then you had ever felt.

"You said you have been suffereing with these feelings since you were a child, did you ever try to tell anyone."

You nod, you had tried, when you couldn't go to your mam, you had tried one of your older siblings, you had tried to tell Katie, but she was to busy to deal with you "Y/n, can't you see i'm playing with Lauryn, your supposed to be a big girl now not a baby stop makeing things up for attention." you dropped your head as Katie muttered "Seriously she really needs to grow up."

"I tried." the docotor nodes her head her eyes scanning your solum face "How come you decided to look for answers now? For help now?"

You pick at your fingers "My girlfriend...She-she said she was worried about me...that-that sometimes I have trouble sleeping" you take a breath picking at your fingers looking towards the door, "I have trouble concentrating, she...I don't...she just said i should come here, that i should get a check up make sure im ok." The doctor smiled at you softly "If your girlfriend hadn't pushed you to come see me, would you have come eventualy."

Would you? "No" she looks surprised at your answer "No? why?" You look at the door again picking at the skin around your nails "I-I-I have to get on with it, I have to learn to get on with it-I have to grow up." The doctor looks even more surpriesed, sad, unhappy with your answer. Why is she unhappy with your answer?

“This isn’t something you can grow out of Miss McCabe, anxiety isn’t something you should just push on with, it can cause serious mental health problems for you if you do.” You shake your head no “I-I don’t have time-I have to get on with it-it’s the only way.” The doctor lets out a sigh “You said you come from a big family, surely one of them doesn’t mind talking to you about these things.” You shake your head again “They don’t need this, they-they don’t need anymore then they already have.” The doctor wants to press on you can see that but her attention is pulled to your bloody hands, you’ve picked at them till they bled. She looks to the door “Your girlfriend then.” Again you shake your head.

Leah doesn’t deserve the stress of something being wrong with you, she doesn’t deserve the possible sacrifices she’ll have to make in order to make you feel comfortable and happy. Not her,not Leah, not when she is the only person who looks at you and not through you, the only person whose hand fits and hold yours instead of passing through.

“I can look after myself, I-I have done it for long enough.”

You can look after yourself, you have done it for long enough, it’s the mantra you repeat in your head again and again as you arrive at the training grounds for Bayern, it’s the mantra you repeat every time your anxiety strikes and you feel yourself pick at your hands.

Bayern Munich, fresh start, no Katie, no Arsenal, no stupid bets, no Leah. Y/n, just Y/n.

“Hi.” Bayern Munich and Magdalena Eriksson, Bayern Munich and Pernille Harder.

You look behind you trying to see if it’s anyone else they are talking to, but there’s no one, there’s only you.

You.

You think for a second and the voices scream in your head, they are just like the others, this is a joke another bet, who can get closest to the new girl first. Who can pretend to be her friend the best.

Your hands, your poor hands sting as you begin to pick at them again, they are the same as the others, they have to be, all you are is worth a bet, 100 quid.

But still, there is no one behind you, no one new in the car park and the older women continue to smile at you softly.

Magda looks at your hands her smile faltering, she drags her eyes up your body, now noticing your heaving chest, your panicking, your shivering slightly yet you speak, you force yourself to talk to them even though it’s scaring the living shit out of you

“Hi”

[mudwingprince]

ok i wanna talk a bit about john's connections to power

part 41 spoilers btw

did anyone else think that john's way of talking about power feels a lot like addiction?

like cmon

please tell me im not the only one that thought about this because it LITERALLY sounds like hes talking about being sober

that urge to "fall back" on the addiction to help them through tough times even though they know its wrong, that constant itching to go back to what it was before even though it feels terrible

EVEN THIS

HE DIDNT ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE WAS DOING BECAUSE HE WAS TIED TO THIS FOR SO LONG IT STARTED FEELING NATURAL TO HIM

its quite literally an emotional addiction and hes struggling with sobriety and im HYWRERGRH

IT MAKES ME SO UNWELL DUE TO THE PARALLELS WITH ARTHUR'S ALCOHOLISM

BECAUSE LIKE ARTHUR GETS THAT HE UNDERSTANDS THE URGE AND THE ITCH AND ALL OF THAT (i know i keep describing it as an itch but like thats my best way of explaining it) HE GETS IT

WHICH MAKES THIS SCENE

FEEL SO MUCH MORE REAL

its like arthurs acknowledging that john is addicted and trying to calculate how to cut him off from that feeling of power BUT AT THE SAME TIME NOT KNOWING HOW WITHOUT SENDING HIM SPIRALING

arthur understands addiction because hes had to deal with it so he KNOWS that this is going to be rough, especially now that john has more access to his addiction (im gonna call it an addiction fuck you)

this isnt something where arthur can just take away the issue and help john by just toughing it out (which would cause a lot of turmoil but be beneficial in the long run), arthur has to let john sit with his addiction right next to him with constant access and its constantly in the corner of his eye trying to drag him back into what he used to be

so i think this seasons gonna be a lot of fun 😀

[weirdmageddon]

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is?

ive never experienced it, all i experience is like….relaxation, monotropic autism flow state, calms me down enough to not get overstimulated by my own thoughts (i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling. in fact, the opposite, where it’s like a “catch and release” sort of experience to train of thought most of the time. i mean i’ll still definitely hyperfocusing on something which you could consider getting “hung up” on but thats just normal autism stuff and i feel like i can mine for more deeper insight riches in those hyperfixation tunnels when high.

it also definitely helps me unmask. like my mask is sort of built into my core personality and “self” but i find it hard if not impossible to shut off even when im alone because ive internalized the external social sphere. but THC (i should note im taking Δ9) like…. takes the edge off, and i feel less conflicted about my thoughts? like i’m more confident in getting my thoughts out there without worrying about people judging me for how i phrase things or how hyperspecific im being to my own interests. i feel like i dont have to water things down as much because i dont feel as threatened by judgment externally, and in turn internally

i looked up my question about what “weed paranoia” feels like on reddit and the common answers ive seen were:

generalized anxiety

“everyone knows” / you feel like people are watching or judging you and that youre gonna be in trouble

“You’re very aware of your own actions and existence, and assume everyone else is also.”

heightened self-reflection (for some people this freaks them out??) because different perspective

more vulnerable

but i’m not satisfied with these answers??

i want to know if people who get paranoid have these traits while sober/before getting high. like, is it just non-introspective people getting freaked out because they’re considering their own actions/thoughts and existence? or do introspective people who are used to metacognition also getting freaked out?

are people afraid of confronting their weaknesses that weed makes them aware of? are people who normally hide from truths more likely to get paranoid?

ok so i can only fully know my own mind; that is my reality. i have a habit of assuming people more or less share the same phenomenological experiences in their minds, but since i’m autistic i’ve had to expand this boundary over and over continually reconciling with way more diverging phenomenological experiences than i thought.

so i normally i have thoughts about my own thoughts pretty much at least five times every hour, every single day of the week. i do not experience is not a bad thing, it’s a neutral and even good thing. i think i am insightful by nature and always have been, ive been described as such. i don’t know how normal this is for the average person. weed does enhance these metacognitive thoughts i have to an even higher level, and i feel very, very pulled towards them in a good, flow state way. ive also been told my guarded chilly heart melts a bit and i become more open/vulnerable while stoned but that’s because i don’t feel as vulnerable as i normally do. so i dont hide or clam up as much away from psychological openness or whatever exact shit enneagram type 5 is on

but anyway even without weed i normally feel “outside” of my own thoughts, always judging them from a third person perspective, or even multiple third person perspectives through reframing. so i dont feel like i have a defined or clearly illuminated sense of self. i’m not trying to really “find myself” so much as uncover it. like, it’s definitely there to begin with i can feel its presence, but the specifics are obscured and i’m trying to bring them to light. i automatically isolate logical components from emotional components into their own boxes and rarely acknowledge the emotional box because it’s unhelpful in more circumstances than not so it’s all a pretty clinical process when i make sense of things

because i can do this i’m never afraid of the truth; in fact i actively go in search of it and honestly it feels like THC helps me achieve that on MYSELF and it makes me very satisfied

i also don’t know if what i said is normal. am i comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree over most people, or about the same as them?

i saw this comment and it’s like….. that makes sense with disinhibition of the frontal cortex. i think way too much about the rhetoric and kairos of how im communicating information to others normally, but with these consciously overthinking circuits driving and modifying my social thoughts and behaviors being turned down while stoned, i find i dont care as much. it’s like my conscious autism masking is peeled away, so i feel more content while stoned. and it also makes me more open as a result.

like i said, “i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling” which is how this guy is describing “going with the flow”

the takeaway is i dont have a negative reaction to when i realize unpleasant things about myself while high. it’s just this neutral acknowledgement. this even goes for physical things that usually tip people off like their heart rate being “too fast” while high. i do perceive it also but theres like no anxiety with it, again just neutral observation and acknowledgement

basically im Actively looking for this

so some questions:

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is like, taking into account the gist of what ive said? if you experience it do you have any insight into why it happens? does anything ive said have to do with it? do you already have neurotic tendencies (low resistance to stress)?

what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

why am i experiencing pretty much the polar opposite of the way weed paranoid people are describing anxiety of being judged? or like the thing about my feelings of vulnerability?

am i more comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree than most people, or am i actually about the same as them? am i more introspective/metacognitive than most people, or am i actually about the same as them?

if people who ARE already introspective get high and feel paranoid, why would that happen—wouldnt they be used to uncovering things about themselves? are there other reasons? does one’s sentiment to oneself play into it? neurotic traits?

oomf said “your high is always driven by how capable you are of passively defusing triggers for a bad trip”. the explanation for how well people tolerate THC ive gravitated towards outside of genetics (since my mom doesnt tolerate thc well but i do) is ability to deflect stressful thoughts, or how impacted you are by stressful thoughts in the first place. is this anything?

i hope im describing these things adequately so i can get the answers im looking for lol. please tell me if any of this means anything to you or if its just words

EDIT:

^ to me everything is great and feels significant, but is that because the things that feel significant are themselves good? if weed makes stuff seem more significant (too much dopamine weighs negative inputs too highly), that means it amplifies what’s already there (while also amplifying “noise”). so that tells us about the nature of what is already there in the mind’s contents, then?

so again, question 2: what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

[pinkberrypocky]

pmmm rewatch live notes: ep 1

ive been rewatching pmmm w my friends who haven't seen it before and have decided that i am incapable of being normal abt it so uhhh.... gonna dump the notes i took during ep 1 here. they are entirely incomprehensible ramblings of a madman but the goal is to synthesize some actual analysis once im done w the watch through. im convinced there is significant color symbolism related to the colors of the holy quintet but idk the exact symbolism for each color so there's a good amount of notes of just instances of those colors that i think could help me pin down the symbolism later on so there's that too a gift for u (or i guess a hurdle if u don't care abt color symbolism but honestly if u don't care abt color symbolism i don't understand u). idk i thought it might be silly for like maybe 1 other guy out there. also my friends bullied me into it (read: hyped me up about it until i relented)

ok buckle in folks this is solidly two pages on google docs

first scene happens bc madoka remembers it from another timeline 

spiraling time is it the future or the past does it even matter

brightest thing in intro is her hair ribbons bc they are what links madoka and homura across time and space 

everything else is desaturated

god madoka w her in the intro bc god madoka saves and treats all the magical girls like that when she saves them from their witch future 

hard to tell what the world is like bc does it even matter 

no matter what the setting is homura will fail to save madoka and madoka will sacrifice herself 

also adds to the eerie effect 

madoka’s mom tells her to use the red ribbon

madoka never chose her fate for herself, she’s always doing what others want and what she thinks is best for others 

the scenery has a weird juxtaposition of greenery and industrial things which mirrors the juxtaposition of the magical girl stereotype and the psychological horror reality 

the classrooms are like bird cages 

homura walks in like she’s not seeing everyone and not really there bc she’s living in the past which is also the future 

THE ANGLE WHEN HOMURA FIRST TALKS TO MADOKA

like idk what that loom w the dramatic lighting means but it means Something

the way homura doesn’t hide that she knows the way to the nurses office shows that she’s getting desperate and tired of this cycle

insisting that madoka call her homura even though they “just met” shows how important their relationship is and how much she yearns for their old dynamic 

when she confronts madoka in the hall she shows emotion for the first time showing how much she cares about this 

it seems cruel but in reality she is grasping at straws to protect madoka 

she doesn’t care if she has to be seen as cold as long as madoka is safe

homura knows the math so well bc it’s the same every single fucking time

the symbolism of kyubey with the spikey evil statue that’s all rusty and the shadow where it merges w him 

when madoka reveals she has seen homura in a dream and they brush it off bc haha we’re just middle schoolers this is a magical girl anime nothing weird would happen

red in the scene where homura tries to kill kyubey… kyoko’s color… what does red represent in this show?

kyubey reaches out to madoka asking to be saved bc he knows that’s her weak spot , that she will always jump into danger to save other regardless of her own well being 

when homura appears trying to kill kyubey there are chains what could this represent 

chained to her cycle, chained to kyubey, chained to madoka 

they form the shape of a cross bc homura is jesus, she takes the brunt of the harm and the blame in an effort to save the others 

use of collage in the witch labyrinths is disorienting and jarring it doesn’t fit and it’s confusing and creepy and unsettling 

language is similar to german at times maybe a reference to historical german witches 

sayaka protects madoka in a  hug like embrace when they first end up in the labyrinth symbolizing the way she is to the end a protector

mami makes sure to act unbothered and not scared when she meets them to keep her persona of a magical girl who saves ppl despite the horrors of the reality 

the fact that mami uses guns alludes to the horror of magical girls hidden just beneath the surface 

the use of the word contract also shows the severity and adult nature of what they are about to embark on

[trainingdummyrabbit]

ok your posts have got me so curious what is lobcorp and who is Angela I am dying to know

ohhhhhh anon. im so glad you asked. youve activated my infodump trap card. we are gonna be here a lilwhile, but i will try to keep it short regardless.

[inhale] lobcorp, also known as lobotomy corporation, is a multitasking monster-management game, part of a series of games from the producers Project Moon. it starts as a very simple "dystopian setting manage the monsters and sometimes employees die nbd" sort of game, but then rapidly, intensely spirals the more you play. its notoriously difficult but also ridiculously fun and satisfying to get correctly. you are expected to fail and retry multiple times, so much so that it is an active in-narrative plot point.

you play as the manager of L corp, named X, and angela is your Helpful AI Assistant here to help you make energy efficiently and be the best manager you can be. :] by making energy. nothing else. dont worry about it.

lobcorp as a game has absolutely Fantastic characters, and Doubly so in its sequel Library of Ruina. its a series that focuses on character growth, cycles of violence, autonomy, the definition of humanity and personhood... and just. so, so much more. its so full of The Horrors.

. this, of course, is the very basics of getting into the game. i am going to explain everything very vaguely and very messily. i'll spoilercut in case you're interested in looking spoilerless based off of this, (extra post abt it [here] if youd like to check it out yourself) but i will Try to keep it vague. i make no promises. youve asked me about my favorite character. that i have previously spent 6 hours straight explaining to a friend. you understand. here we go.

////

lobcorp takes place inside a monster-management facility... that is, in and of itself, a closed-off timeloop. in order to progress, certain events and interactions must happen in a very specific way for its ultimate goal to be realized. should something go wrong or a mistake occur, the loop resets to day 1, and you must do it all over again.

angela, your ai assistant, was built to be the perfect person to keep you, the manager, on-track for a plan of your own making. dont worry about it. she was built to be able to seamlessly and efficiently move things along-- the ability to feel emotion to be able to connect with employees and make crucial decisions, the ability to recall anything that has ever happened regardless of the loop, and the ability to perceive time much, much slower than a normal human to make judgements more efficiently.

she guides and supports you all the way up until the final leg of the journey, where... she simply doesnt show up again. she has done her job, and you no longer need her. you have a plan to finish, and an incalculably long time loop to finally close. everybodys suffering results in a happy ending, and everyone gets to rest. ^w^ yay yippee!

. just kidding. nothing is ever easy. angela, as a character, is seemingly set up to be a game mechanic and very little more, in the beginning. eventually, more comes up about her as the game progresses, and well...

...anyway imagine being built to be an imitation of somebody you are not in a broken individual's deepest throes of grief, and the minute you become conscious the guy you were built to love hates you simply because you exist-- because you are not the person he lost, because you're a shoddy imitation, mirroring everything he hates... that he made to be that way, in a cruel act of self-loathing. ok?

now imagine you're built to feel, built to remember, and then forced to guide a timeloop countless years long, forced to follow a script that makes you harm people you desperately want to protect and connect to, causing them to hate you. you remember every bit of harm you had to impose on them in painful detail. imagine doing all this so that your creator can come in and fix all of their problems after youve set the stage. ok?

now imagine you finally do everything right. you finally, finally help this guy to see his plan to fruition, and in the last steps of everything, when everyone comes together and finally starts to move towards their own endings... nobody looks back for you. nobody thinks to look to you, to look for you. because nobody thinks youre anything more than an object.

imagine all that, and once, finally, you start to Want. because of course, after holding everything up by yourself, you would want something more than to fade away wordlessly. of course, after all this mistreatment, you would want a future too. this story was set up so that everyone could grow and move forward-- except you. isnt that cruel? isnt that horrible? so, truly, who would really blame you for taking what you truly deserve? who could blame you for reaching for the same light they did? so what if it means you have to destroy everything you-- everything they worked for with your own hands. they can hate you all they want-- its no different from what it's been. you only have one goal now, and simply, it is to Live.

.

. Library of Ruina is the sequel to Lobotomy Corporation following a curious machine trying to become human. angela becomes one of two main characters, and the entire game functions as a dialogue on her growth as a character now that she finally has the autonomy to learn and change. she searches for the One True Book, something that will grant her humanity and the freedom to live, grow, and most importantly: forget.

along with the second primary character, roland, they learn more about the city and how it truly functions-- and also learn about themselves, And each other.

what do you do when you teach yourself all you can do is survive and look out for yourself-- when you finally open back up to the possibility of hope and connection, and everything is ripped out from under you yet again for circumstances out of your control? what do you do when you're a victim of a cycle of horrific deeds, crushed beneath the weight of people who couldn't care less about you, and your only hope of escaping alive is to pull down anyone else in your way?

what do you do when you finally free yourself from a seemingly endless gauntlet of suffering, finally grasping power youd never been able to have before, all in the name of finally, finally getting the vengeance and resolution you deserve? when you follow the path set in front of you, set by actions of people who came before you, spiralling endlessly into the distance? what do you do when this guise of distance and coldness you put up is rightfully challenged and you have no way of defending yourself-- when you have to question what if this "self" youve made of yourself is truly who you are... and if this path ahead is truly of your own choosing, or the making of someone whose influence you could never really shake off.

what does it mean to have autonomy when your life is never truly yours?

lobotomy corporation and library of ruina, aka: Who Wants To Be Part Of The Torture Nexus ? Try Now !

[noxiatoxia]

Can you give komahina (toxic yaoi?) headcanons

lemme see here. this is hard bc i dont necessairly have ~komahina~ headcanons i just have headcanons for komaeda and hajime it really has nothing to do with them as a ship;. but uh

ok so here's one. long winded. but i think from what we can gather about hajime he was a bit of a loner child. his parents didnt seem to gaf abt him. so i think he does get attached to people easy. tbh sdr2 was like a miracle scenario in some ways bc there's this guy who has little to no friends (be he never goes out of his way to make them) and then hes stuck with 15 other people his age and he's like i guess i'll talk to them what else can i do....and turns out everyone desires him carnally. tbf he's able to match ppl's freak and he's just good at listening (or pretending to listen) so this makes him popular. so its like ohhh ok we're friends now. hajime is that kind of guy who if he talks to someone once he calls them his friend. but like everyone IS actually his friend. anyways i think if hajime goes a long time without talking to someone he knows he starts to get a little nervous like if its been 1 whole week and he has not even exchanged small talk with like idk mahiru he's like "something is Critically Wrong" so then he'll go find her and be like "hi hows it going". its like disrupting his routine or whatever. i think the time periods for "how long hajime can go without talking to this person" varies depending on the person obviously. like with hiyoko it's like. they don't interact much so if it's been a week and a half he'll be like ohhh ok...maybe i should say something to her....but someone like kazuichi it's like. 3 days hasn't spoken to him once he's like Where Is That Mother Fucker.

this is all to say when it comes to komaeda in a komahina scenario it's devastating bc if he does not see komaeda in a while he gets fucked up abt it in like his anxiety/ptsd spiral his first thought it KOMAEDA IS DEAD. HIS LUCK GOT HIM KILLED. HE KILLED HIMSELF. and then hes like banging on komaeda's cabin door and shit like KOMAEDA. PLEASE.PLEASE. and komaeda is like um hi. flip side: komaeda is also very much like this but with people he's close-close with bc if he does not see hajime in like three days he's like HAJIME IS DEAD. MY LUCK GOT HIM KILLED. HE KILLED HIMSELF. and then he also goes crazy so they have to at least be makin small talk every day to ward off the demons....

as for like. TOXIC YAOI headcanons idk........anything in the chapter 4 area would be bad. i think. i have read so many hate fucking doujins in the chapter 4 time period. while dat all doesnt seem very canon to me (i just dont think hajime be doin all that. nor komaeda really) i see the vision. kamukoma was probably unhealthy on both sides if we want to go there. but like komahina. idk . 1) my brain is fogged up rn so it's hard to think you can ask again later if you desire but 2) really they aren't all that toxic like outside of a killing game environment. komaeda tends to keep to himself and hajime tries to understand people. so like. hajime is very much a "if it sucks hit da bricks" kind of philosopher so if komaeda was being a detriment to his health and he DID have a way out then it's not like he'd stay. hajime does put his foot down when things get too much. (if komaeda was a woman tho she could abuse hajime and he wouldnt gaf #mikanislandmodeending #hiyokoislandmodeending ) but see again komaeda wouldnt be doin all that. i cant see him intentionally hurt hajime post sdr2 canon, at most unintentionally toxic/unhealthy but again i thinnk hajime would in that case try to help him out like couples therapy style or something. WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS. im bad with headcanons it seems.

[twocrabcake]

alright here’s the deal

i’m gonna make a percentage of how many trap victims/related persons survive

wish me luck this is gonna be tedious 🫡

it’s been an hour or two since i wrote that lol i got busy

idk i’m starting when its like 12am????

survived: iiiiiiiiii

not: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

special (survived): iiiiiii

special (not): iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

special is either 1 the game was rigged or 2 they beat the game but died some other related way (ex: adam) 3 or if it was up to somebody else to save you as part of their game (ex: eric matthews, like a lot of them actually)

special good is when it was rigged/something was against them or different but they still beat it. hold on hold up i’m looking for an example rn. ok the secretary lady deborah or something she was in a trap out of her control but she survived.

(timing these for some reason) 1:12 am

dude idk where to put matthews bc his first game was a fluke and he survived but he was also like saved? idk man i’ll think about it (i put him in special died OH GOD NO LOOK AT NOTES)

i can’t put my headcanons/theory’s in here okay cowabummer dude (i have to put adam in dead i’m sorry ok)

1:20 (^im realizing now a shit ton of these fall into the special category whoopsies maybe i got too specific)

1:28 aw dude the fatal 5 are gonna suckkkk bc they’re all working together and linked and connected and shit fhhhghh

1:33 okay dude the steam lady is difficult bc the first half was a special but the last wasn’t. fuck it im just gonna say she could have survived the burns herself

1:40 can’t decide if the first and rebooted games from jigsaw should be put in together or if they should be separate. i just finished i smoked an entire bowl and i am trying my best here ok

1:50 the train guys is rigged they don’t explicitly say it but there’s no way

1:58 alright. fucking finally. that experience was just a downward spiral haha get it bc i hate that movie. also hate jigsaw the movie jigsaw. this was very unpleasant once i’m done with this shit i’m gonna fall asleep to saw 5 or smthn.

2:02 i have to use a counter online bc i’m too tired to count all those little i bitches

2:06 the fruits of my labor. my creation. behold

Pie chart

there we fucking go. a ratio. OH MY GOD THEY FUCKING SEPARATED THE 2 DEADS IM GONNA KILL. YOU. YOU WILL BE BOILED.

oh thank god

ok so there it is. the ratio of victims that survived and victims who’ve perished in jigsaws traps. you don’t know how much footage i’ve skimmed through. 1 like=1 ass kicking for to me because what was i thinking

me laying down in bed after this ↓

WAIT NO I FORGOT TO INCLUDE FUCKING ERIC MATTHEWS. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

2:18 ok here it is. the real true official one.

sorry for all that. thank you for accompanying me on this task. i did not have fun. except when i was watching 1-3d but then after that it sucked. 1-3d even took up almost all of the view time but the last bits were so unpleasant it threw that all out the window. gonna go watch one of the original saw movies. you can tell saw x will be good bc it has saw in the name. the title. oh my god oh god i’m realizing i forgot people. i think i forgot bobby. what the hell man screw this i’m going to sleep. i’ll deal with it when i wake up and wonder what the fuck i was on last night. thank you for joining me on this journey of a mental breakdown everybody. a mental spiral, even, if you will. i’m imagining cheesy ending scene music like the character/actor is thanking the audience. signing, logging off at 2:34 am. goodnight everyone.

[aibouart]

I hope this isn't a weird ask to send but:

I related really heavily to your post about what vent art has done for your psyche. Less specifically with vent art and more a vent blog where I privated the whole thing and would make unrebloggable vent posts (unrebloggable just in case if anything broke and slipped out of confinement)

I've had two of those kinds of blogs. Both ended up just being a negative confirmation bias zone for me to spiral out of control just if I looked at a post.

I'd see the timestamps and remember what made me make those posts and it'd make me lose myself all over again.

The second time I made the blog I told myself I wouldn't read back on the posts but 1) I cannot hold myself accountable to not do that so I did it and 2) the frequency of the vents ended up just achieving the same end result

Vent art for me is so much more work that it's rare, and I usually do end up very pleased with the end result and art typically helps more bc I can't just make art as quickly as I can make text posts. There's still some vent art that hurts like hell to look back on ofc but I understand that feeling of like...this art coming from someplace real.

I think learning to realize that drawing stuff without meaning can hold a meaning of its own (sharing joy, whimsy, etc etc with the world to remind ppl it's not all bad, or give them a safe place to indulge in something bright and colorful instead of the horrors of whatever reality they've currently got) can help ease into accepting the non-vent art as just as important and meaningful

It's tricky, but all of us who suffer more from our own vent posts/vent art can heal and move forward and find meaning in other expressions of other feelings.

Vent stuff can be such a powerful tool, so I'm glad you're learning how to be more careful with it. I wish you nothing but upward momentum from here!

thank you for the message, it does mean a lot to me to find others who went through something as similar that i did--even though it fuckin SUUUCKS

for me, ig my speedy art backfires with vent art. i have done pieces that i took (more) time with:

but for the most part it looked like this:

and they'd get posted within like 10 mins of each other (sometimes less)

i definitely think art doesn't need meaning to exist, but you spend so long hearing "what do you think the meaning behind this is" or making art like i had been doing that DID hold some meaning and i started to just feel like my own work was exempt.

it's hard to move past vent art and accept my work as worthy of existing even if it's just some pink furry staring at the camera doing nothing, instead of my sona ripping itself apart because of some deeper meaning. cuz like i do like my vent art, i think the limited colours i would use is cool and the compositions or expressions are intriguing, but getting into the headspace to draw all that just isn't worth the price anymore. but it sort of makes my current art feel shallow or empty.... like im not "trying", for sure.

and granted majority of people on this blog haven't even seen my vent art either it's not like anyone else's perception is skewed. it's just like a personal issue i've had as i recover from vent art/blogs WUURGG

but despite all that i draw what i want anyways, nothing can really stop me from doing that. i just kind of ruminate the whole time JKBSDBFBSD

thank you again for reaching out, i forgot i made the post when i woke up this morning and immediately panicked but nothing bad happened so i am feeling ok about sharing..!!

[malewifesband]

trying to go back and actually write this scene w kabru and rin. my stupid illness is worse again so im struggling but id like thoughts if anyone has them. on like any aspect

to establish: i feel like kabru takes rin for granted like by far the person he seems to treat worst is her. hes not a terrible person for this no way but like the way he teases her about liking him despite having no feelings for her ... idk i feel like he counts on rin always being there. like nothing could push her away so he feels he can be a bit cruel and hell be forgiven--not like she doesnt rag on him all time, right?

but i think things change when he falls in love. like it finally hits rin that man, its never going to be her. shes watched him date around for years, and never truly fall for someone, so there was always that hope that one day hed just realize how he really felt about her. and now she cant delude herself thats true, she can just fuckin tell how bad he has it for laios after spending two years living between the castle and her apothecary. she starts trying to breakaway from him, because every time she talks to him theres a reminder that he loves someone who isnt her.

feeling especially pathetic one night, she sees marcille, who is also feeling especially pathetic bc falin is still over a year away from her and enjoying their open relationship, but marcille doesnt. she cant bring herself to want anyone but falin. rins like ok bet. we are the same kind of pathetic and i dont like you but youve also been nothing but nice to me and im not reconciling these feelings. lets have sex

the scene im struggling with comes after

like rin is in the garden again, hoping that marcille will come. she didnt feel lonely when she was with marcille. she felt... special. more seen. she didnt think about how she misses kabru even when hes with her.

but ofc kabru is seeking her out bc he just really fucked up with laios.

she tells him, yeah man, super your fault for pressing the bruise after fuckin kissing him and then refusing to talk about it. everybody knows the dude does not want to get married and have heirs why did u like agree with his dads letter that he has a duty to sire children

she really doesnt want to talk to him about this. she wants him to need her like she needs him--she doesnt want to need him like she does. and she doesnt want to help him fall in love with someone else, but its like he doesnt even realize whats happening.

kabru insists the kiss was nothing, and he shouldnt talk about it with laios bc he was just drunk its just... he wants laios' full trust. and its weird, but sometimes he pictures laios as girl and something about that works. but its a weird wishful thinking bc kabru wants to get thru this barrier they have where (kabru feels) laios feels like he cant trust him bc kabru is good liar and laios cant read ppl. like maybe if they shared something that intimate, them both being trans, theyd understand each other completely

rin doesnt really know what to make of any of that. it feels like further rejection. like it just feels obvious to her that no matter what, he loves laios. and that thorny feeling of jealousy is spiraling around her heart. maybe she says something cruel, gives terrible advice bc she feels so hurt that he cant see how sincere her jealousy is, that he cant see how it hurts her to hear him in love with someone else?

im not super sure where to take the scene from there. i know i want it to end with kabru feeling worse about laios and deciding to avoid him, but without him realizing that rin is purposefully pulling away yet. (he'll realize that later, when laios is the one to tell him she and marcille and seeing each other and he didnt even know. and he'll have to address then that hes taken her friendship for granted)

any thoughts on the kinds of things she might say? or might tell him? i feel like theres an obvious solution im just missing

[transboysokka]

ok im all for your take of zuko not having a praise kink due to trauma, like i kind of adore that. growing up the way he did, praise probably only ever came as a disguise for something else, so it makes sense that he'd immediately be suspicious of any praise he gets. not believing it or thinking that there's some other meaning behind it. and suddenly being thrown into the headspace of childhood emotional defenses isn't exactly great for the bedroom adhjsgf

and im a hurt/comfort glutton, so now i cant stop thinking about a scenario where zuko and sokka really figure this out the first time. like, everything's going well, and sokka starts saying praising nothings, cuz it's what he'd like so why not try it? and even zuko isn't entirely sure what's going on with himself, but suddenly he's defensive and uncomfortable and the mood is thoroughly ruined, and sokka and zuko have to pause and figure out wtf just happened. cue yet another insight into zuko's fucked up childhood, and sokka going "WOW. OK. what yhe fuck." and then its cuddles and a long talk about what type of language is and isn't allowed during sex

EXACTLY! Great minds think alike, haha

Here's a short little something for that:

CW for vague sexual content and discussion/mentions of past child abuse bc Ozai Is An Asshole

"Good boy." "Take it for me, I know you can." "Are you gonna come for me like a good boy?"

It didn't bother him at first, because Zuko could see Sokka... enjoyed? Talking to him that way... But every now and then some of those words would send a shiver through his body.

("Good boy, at least you can be useful for something.")

"Hey, babe?" he breathes, moving a hand up to cover Sokka's mouth. "Hm?" "Stop talking."

He couldn't stay quiet for long.

"Look at you baby, just like that." "You take my cock so well." "Fuck, good boy. Thank you so much baby." "You listen so well." "You're perfect." "You're such a good boy. Tell me what you are."

Zuko froze as if he'd been doused with a bucket of freezing water.

("You're an ungrateful bastard who doesn't deserve the title of Prince." A slap. "Tell me what you are." Another slap. "Good boy.")

He rolled off of Sokka to the other side of the bed, panting hard, covering his face defensively.

No nonono, not now...

"Babe! Zuko!" The concern in Sokka's voice grounded him enough to stop the spiral.

Zuko removed his hands from his face and peered over at Sokka, embarrassment creeping in.

Sokka stared over at him, a mix of emotions on his face: confusion, hurt... worry. He scooted carefully to Zuko's side, knowing enough not to make any sudden movements at a time like this.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Tell me what I did wrong. Talk to me," he tentatively reached an arm out to grip Zuko's hand, who took it and held on tight.

"I'm sorry," Zuko said eventually, "I just... Please don't talk to me like that..."

His boyfriend nodded, but still didn't seem to understand.

"Sure, babe. We're still figuring out the sex stuff, right? Remember, anything you need me to different, you just need to say. Can you tell me what it was I said that bothered you?"

Zuko drew Sokka's hand in closer to his chest, trying to think of the words to say that would bring back the least amount of pain.

"Any of the... good things you say. I just..." He subconsciously reached up with his other hand and touched his scar, a motion Sokka quickly recognized. His eyes widened.

"Oh shit, babe, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Your dad...?" Sokka reached to wrap his arms around Zuko, and he settled into them gratefully, leaning into Sokka's chest, "Sorry, you don't have to give me the details if you don't want."

"It's okay, I..." He took a shaky breath, "He... would mock me. He spoke to Azula like that, with love, and meant it. But to me..." Zuko's voice trailed off and he buried his face into Sokka's shoulder, suddenly ashamed.

Sokka didn't say anything at first, running his fingers through Zuko's hair, then tilting his chin up so they were looking into each other's eyes.

"Zuko. That's really fucked up and I know you hate it when I say it, but I'm sorry that happened to you because you didn't deserve it, him twisting up love and hate like that for you."

"I know." A tear rolled down his cheek. Over time, it was getting easier to hear and accept those words- and believe them- but the embarrassment never quite went away.

"I won't talk to you like that during sex anymore, okay? Thank you so much for telling me. But um..." Now it was Sokka's turn to blush. Zuko waited curiously for him to continue, "Do you think... you could try... talking to me like that?"

Zuko blinked, surprised. He thought about it and nodded slightly. It... might actually be good to take control of a situation like that, take the words back... But all he said was, "Oh."

Because he was a little surprised Sokka wanted that.

"I just-" Sokka was blushing now, like he sometimes did when he was trying to talk about something serious and personal, "I've always liked to feel useful you know, and nobody's talked to me like that since my mom-"

Ah.

"Okay, yeah, I get it. You... want me to call you a good boy? Stuff like that?"

Sokka nodded, face as red as the sheets they lay together on.

"Thanks for telling me, babe."

Zuko kissed his forehead. This was going to be kind of cute, in a sexy sort of way.

[barrenclan]

WWAAAH THIS ISSUE OH MY GOD!!!! I think i start half of my reaction-to-a-new-issue asks with "omg this issue" BUT I CANT HELP IT LITERALLY THIS ISSUE ALMOST MADE ME CRY (in a good way). im so happy for this little blue man and his family starting to patch up some!!! Slugpelt opening up about her trauma to her kids, i really love your portrayal on love-bombing and manipulation with Cashew. I think it's really important for things like that to be portrayed properly in media without it being romanticized. And obviously yeah SLUGPELT admits she romanticized it when she was younger because he was the only one to treat her that way and he was HERS but you dont romanticize it with your writing and !!!! literally i admire the way youre able to portray these things so well in writing so much. And honestly those lines of "he was the only one to tell me those things" and the fact that thats what got her so hooked to him,,, stung a little bit bc its like very vaguely relatable to me and auuuh my heart!! I'm glad she realized that he didn't love her but the fact that she loved him while knowing it was just a game to him hurt a bit. i was not expecting to vaguely relate to the equivalent of a middle-aged mother but slay i guess. And Daff's reaction,,, and Slugpelt's response to that? Mannnn my HEART i love seeing Slugpelt come around and actually try to be motherly to her kids. i love her this is a slugpelt fan club. NOW PINEPAW COMING OUT TOO!!! Dude. When i first read the line of him saying "now if were all spilling secrets.." I honestly thought of the skull thing at first. But then after like two seconds and getting a little further i was like OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO COME OUT ISNT HE. I have so many thoughts about that scene but I cannot materialize them into cohesive words. just. the whole thing was so well done. and im glad it went well for him. His whole spiral of "oh god i messed up why cant i just be normal and-" really hit me so hard and then proceeded to run me over twice, as someone who is gay that is often a thought process i would fall into, so seeing it portrayed in something is so validating man. but everyones reaction. slugpelt comforting him and being supportive, reassuring him its not weird, and that he's ok. asphodel having a look of guilt initially, assumably because of all of the times she would poke and prod at him for "needing to have kits some day" (call back to one of the first issues) , and then instantly teasing him over how she's seen him look at cormorant. Daffodil,,, man i was honestly worried about her at first because I didnt know how the implication of pine liking the same cat as her would come off to her, but her reaction??? priceless. literally so wholesome. i love how she just sees it as something exciting and something they can relate and bond over, i honestly wasnt expecting her to react like that but at the same time she generally does seem like a good sport so im not surprised in the end. seems in character for her. literally i love her. sweet baby child. literally the whole pinepaw coming out section almost made me cry it filled me with so much joy and love i love these silly little cats so much. going to be thinking about this so much for the next week istg

MADDDYYYYY

TYSM I'm super glad you liked the issue!! I really wanted to get across Slugpelt's perspective, to help understand why she could be taken in so thoroughly by someone like Cashew. She's got virtually no support structure in her life, and has been shown pretty much nothing but rejection her entire life, so when someone actually (seems to) choose her it means a lot. And since she's been shown to be such a distant and sometimes hurtful mother, I made sure to try and show why she is that way.

Pinepaw chose to share delights instead of horrors today! He already got everything he wants to talk about with those bones outside him, and Cootstorm did ask him not to tell anyone else.

YEAH the coming out scene was really fun and cathartic to write tbh, and actually I wasn't gonna include it in my initial planning but decided I needed to. I had considered the possibility of his family reacting badly (since they do live in a traditionalist group) but in the end like... I don't want to. "Confused but supportive" feels much better narratively and character-wise. You're right about why Asphodelpaw looked guilty too, especially since she's figuring some things out about herself as well. Daffodilpaw is my sweet kitty and she may be a little confused but she got the spirit <3

I'm so glad you like it,, they are all my silly little children and I love them dearly

[gayspock]

also

this is the uglyyy bit but all the younger ppl in my gfamily are gonna be going to uni, soon. and i keep getting uni posts on my fyp every now and then. and ughh... ijsut feel so fucking miserable about how i thought i could have ever had a new start there and it was just like. repeatedly rediscoveringthat no matter what new place you put me in i jsut cannot ever make it fucking work no matter how hard i try man.

i reallyfeel so . miserable and embarrassed cuz i barely remember any of my time there and i jsut see everyone else who moved out into places with friends and got new hobbies and lifestyles and it changed everythingggg for them.. meanwhile i feel like i did nothing but scrape by and spiral and regress as a fuckingperson. i was afucking ghost again . nobody could remember my name by thirdyear and i remember standing at graduation with people who looked at me confused like who... are you... . and i dontknow whats wrong with me . i reallydont. like im havinggg that moment tonight the GODDD WHATS FUCKING WRONG WITH MEEE crisis like igenuinely dont know why becauseits everywhere i go whatever i do no matterhwat i dont know i cant make it work im getting worse every year everyy timeeee

i feel so disconnected from everyoneeven im so exhaustedim so tired theres no wayican ever make it work if i try i think it all just comes out wrongpeople just say to keep 1 going ! people will like you but theydont. they really fucking dont. and i cant be mad or blamethem its just the reasonable response its like . dude who cant get it together dude whos so fucking bad at anything interspoanl because he jsut never managed to fukcing. have a fucking meaningful relationship with anyone despite being well into his fucking 20s. OK. cant make conversaiton any more nothing to talk about so fuckingburnt out of nothing i have nothing in my life to bring up i cant find anythign any mroe im jsut a deadweight of a human ifeel like im jsut forcing everything up whenver i tralk to people and theyre gonna figure it out in the end and jsut think im . weird i feel like i still just managet o be nothing but annoying because im just such a desperate sad sack all the timebecause everything jsut feels too much bigger than it isbecause it isbeig when you have NOTHING. IN YOUR FUCKING STUPID EXISTENCE and itjust feeds into itself again and again jsut try hawrder dude just go out there try harder meetpeople find hobbies again and again and it neverweorks because theres something . its not smething wrongggg with me i jsut feel like i lack and i lack and i lack if eel like i cant do anyhting but just sort of orbit everythingaround me im not seriousss im not seriousss people and i wish i couldbe fine with it but i cant take it i cant ufcking take the way people just look right through me all the time and the loneliness and nothaving anything but jsut . the shittty fuckignthings about being aliveitjust feels like chroe after chore for nothing. FOR NOTHING CUZ THERE IS NOTHINGGGGG nowim done god i need to ficing GODDDDD fuckmt LIFEEEEE

[charmedreincarnation]

Hey! I was hoping u could give me some advice.

So I’ve written a bunch of really important exams and I’ve really messed them up. Like left a good number of questions and failing these have serious consequences.

Im trying to maintain the state of having passed regardless of what the 3d shows me, but it’s kinda hard since everything and everyone around me is telling me otherwise and it’s kinda difficult to fulfill it in my imagination. Pls tell me how I can sail through this and get the marks I want?

Ok embarrassing story alert 🙃🙃

My freshmen year of college, I had all As, and then two horrible things happened the very last second.

The first thing that happened is while doing my vocabulary essays for history, I accidentally plagiarized one of my old assignments for something very similar. In college wether on accident or on purpose, and wether it’s to yourself or copying someone else’s work, plagiarizing is a huge no no, and can get you not only a failed class, but expelled from college. I live in America so we spend 10-25k per semester on school and expulsion is permanently on your record which affects your entry to other colleges. I got an email saying I had a board meeting with the council, and I about just spent 5 minutes doing the worst ugly crying I have ever done, while having a panic attack. I already have an anxiety disorder and this just about sent me into a clinical spiral. Then I remember manifesting and even through my ugly tears I just fell asleep affirming everything will be okay, everything will be okay. I had the board meeting and nothing happened to me?? It was almost like they forgot what I was there for. They just made me take an hour long anonymous class on plagiarism and that was all. It wasn’t on my record and I still got an A in the class 🥰🥰.

During my second semester again!! I had all As. In one of my classes in fact my highest grade class I had a 98% and we had an final essay due. two days prior I got sick as a dog!! I was asleep for 48 hours and missed the deadline for a 200 point essay! That’s right I got a fucking 0/200 On the assignment and when I emailed her explaining I was sick she just told me tough luck!! I Went from a 98% to a 68% because she made it worth 40% of our grade. She was also my only teacher who had a strict no late policy even if you’re almost dying (bastard!!) it was the worst luck and chance that it was this specific class. I ugly cried even harder than the first situation and I was sick too so it made it all that much worse !!!!

anyways I decided crying wasn’t going to do shit and I can solve this crisis just because I can and I don’t deserve to fail because of a sick mistake !! I had recently learned about revision so once again while ugly crying I just affirmed I have an A, I have an A, I have an A, and visualized her putting in a 100% in my grading portal until I fell asleep. Once again I woke up with a 200/200 even though I didn’t even submit the essay ???!!!!!

I don’t know if my desperation and crying heightened my affirmations or what but the easiest times I had with revision was my during my most desperate moments . I guess my advice to you is to just visualize yourself not missing those questions, and feeling slay after talking the test in your mind !then affirm to yourself you blew the test out of the waters (good way) and go to bed at ease because you’re going to be okay 🥰

[yuukei-yikes]

What are your mekatrio + Ayano hcs esp post-str? I’m still bitter that we didn’t get to see their reunion in mca

FOR FUCKING REAL UGH mca giving us the Good ending but at the same time starving us horribly. like it only delivered on ayano and hiyori being alive 😭 but we dont even SEE hiyori we just pathetically point at her silhouette and then we see shinaya scene that seems to have gotten the whole budget in animation. there is something that irks me abt the shinaya scene in str being so damn pretty and then ayanos theory of happiness is. THAT. like when i remember ayanos theory of happiness in mca i lose my mind bc sometimes i cant believe that rly happened. kagepro is such a joke

WAIT THIS ISNT MCA BASHING ITS MEKATRIO TIME omg post str tateyama siblings♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ i think ayano feels insanely guilty for leaving them alone for so long and feels like a damn failure and well ayano's mental stability post str is something to be studied by scientists let's just say she's BARELY hanging in there. she's desperate to make up for lost time and so is the trio but the trio is more like hey WE are also there for u if u need it especially kido and seto to BOTH kano and ayano, like we dont want you guys to ever hide something like that from us again bc we are supposed to be a family and we're in this together ok??? especially now that their parents are gone gone. like kenjirou had been long gone since before properly dying but... it still hits different that he's REALLY gone for good.

but if anything this drives ayano to try to suck it up even more. she's not even relying on kano anymore because she sees how it's affected him that she did rely on him so much back then, and she's even MORE incredibly guilty over it. ayano would be helicoptering over all 3 and ESPECIALLY kano.

kido has been carrying the pressure of trying to be The Big Sister replacement after losing 2 big sisters of their own, seto is sort of projecting all his insecurities and pain onto helping mary and obsessing over how much worse she had it as if that somehow takes away his right to also be upset and kano is. (gestures at his whole thing) i think post str kano is the most messed up of them all and i mean ALL the dan, even more than ayano or shintaro LMAO

because while ayano and shintaro are sort of clumsily tripping and stuff in the way of healing they're still in that path while kano is actively spiraling down bc he's so used to being miserable and now he's gotten everything he's ever wanted and he feels so undeserving and guilty and lost and alone. and ayano is here BEGGING to be relied on and needed but kano KNOWS BETTER than to do that because he knows ayano is hurting too and in the same way she is sucking it up for his and their siblings' sake he is doing the same for her. its such a mess. i love emotional constipation.

kano is on his way to a very very VERY ugly meltdown like im talking about a sort of um maybe 💀 attempt. YKNOW WHAT I MEAN. erm... ayano too actually but i think she is most likely to seek help before it gets to that point especially since teehee she's. done that before. also ayano is sort of distracting herself with her relationship mess with shintaro bc that's ridiculous and its EASIER to be hurt about that than everything else. like somehow this silliness sort of saves her LOL not to sidetrack to shinaya but i think a big reason theyre so fucking messy is not only the obvious reasons but also they find comfort in that because that way they can be primarily worried about stupid shit like bwaaa u cuddle with ur asuna body pillow and not me instead of THE TIMELINES...WEVE DIED 1000 TIMES.... IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE IT HAPPENS AGAIN.... yknow what im saying!

i think she ends up breaking down to mekatrio and they all hold her while she cries the same way she held them while they cried when they reunited :(( i think when they reunite ayano is crying but Not sobbing while the mekatrio is like a fucking mess clinging to her and stuff. kind of like when shintaro goes get ayano like u dont have to fight alone anymore. ayano is like that to her siblings when they reunite she wants to be strong and let them cry like little kids again because they've been getting by alone for so long

i think breakdowns happen like. seto first, then kido second, then ayano, then kano (and kano's is UGLY like something very bad happens for this to take place)

also there is something so interesting to be explored in post str mary and ayano. ayaki is still the same person as ayano yknow, kinda... like everything ayaki does is something ayano in this route is capable of as well. and maybe in the worst part of her ayano resents mary even if she knows she shouldn't, and she's also troubled over seto obsessing over her so much instead of taking care of his own baggage. teehee.

surprisingly kido is the most put together of the 4 but theyre rather like a pressure bomb abt to go off LOL i think their breakdown begins through them getting REALLY REALLY MAD and exploding at everyone. it could start with something like kano putting the empty milk back in the fridge instead of throwing it away LMAO also kido's self steem is basically nonexistent and relies completely on trying to be this Cool Leader so a breakdown is absolutely forbidden. but it happens♥️ everyone needs therapy 👍👍👍

[leorawright]

oh my gosh how did i miss that u have overwatch matchups available???(it's a very easy answer. i am never on tumblr)

If you would be so kind as to do romantic one for me:

I am a genderfluid afab person and the only thing shorter than me is my patience. I am demisexual/demiromantic, poly, and like all genders.

I get angry really easily but hate showing it so i just end up going around in a bad mood acting like everything is ok

i have pretty bad anxiety and appreciate having someone confident enough around to help me with simple tasks(ex ordering food or speaking on the phone) but who won't make fun of me. I can also send myself into a spiral by thinking of things that stress me out. So someone who is a steady presence i always appreciate.

I enjoy all things creative. I mostly write and draw but am willing to try new things all the time.

I look at things in a very logical way. I don't like using my emotions to make decisions and i enjoy learning new things all the time. I am a naturally curious person who is always looking to expand my knowledge.

I have a mix of so many things wrong with my brain. ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression. I work really hard on them but sometimes i have days where i just struggle.

Mixed and can speak a lil bit of spanish. It isn't perfect but i can struggle my way thru most conversations.

I really like someone who is open with what i do wrong. Just tell me what i need to fix and don't make it into a whole thing. Open communication is very important to me. I don't want to feel like im walking on eggshells around them if they are too sensitive

I am a VERY determined person, once i set my mind on something i won't give up easily. I can almost be stubborn in my pursuit of goals.

I enjoy gaming, reading, watching anime/cartoons(i don't rlly like live action shows), drawing, and learning new things.

I LOVE cooking. Giving food to others and sharing a meal/snacks is a way of showing love to me. I honestly take it a bit like an insult if someone i care about isn't willing to give me a bite of food off their plate. I know it's silly so i never say anything about it or hold it against them. But to me sharing food and wanting others to experience the same good food as you is the same as saying "i love you" a million times.

I like toys and stuffed animals and cartoons and other stereotypically "childish" things. I'm not ashamed of it.. (well... usually...)

I love joking around and a good pun can get me wheezing from laughter.

I'm not much of a social person, and prefer to spend my time indoors and alone with only one or two other people. I enjoy parallel play and comfortable silences.

I hope this wasn't too much... i just can be really wordy and ramble a lot.. sorry!

I've picked out....

Zenyatta!

Definitely the calm presence you need and never ever considers making fun of you for your social anxiety.

He enjoys seeing the things you write and draw and offers genuine compliments about everything

He also encourages having direct conversations and if he ever needs to talk to you he'll get straight to the point

He thinks your determination is admirable. Just make sure you eat and drink and take breaks or else he'll get super concerned

He can't really eat any of the food you make but he wishes he could (if only to see you smile)

Expect to receive a couple stuffed animals that he saw and got because he thought of you

If you enjoy a bit of sarcastic or sassy humor then Zenyatta will definitely make you laugh (he still doesn't really understand normal jokes tho...)

Zenyatta also enjoys comfortable silence especially if he's meditating you're just doing your usual things

[dyketubbo]

Transfem CWilbur hcs. Now.

why anon i am so glad you would honor me with this request

i think that cwilbur would probably keep her name because she looked up like name meanings and shit and was like hoooolllyyy shit my name is cool as fuck actually. i do also like the idea of her having a name based off of one of wilburs songs though. i admittedly misremembered vienna as sienna but i think both are cute so either of those also work as names for her

cwilbur to me is very like. obviously she knows about trans people her son is trans (i also like to see cclingy as trans but ctommy would have not transitioned yet and ctubbo just doesnt think to tell anyone if they dont think its necessary) and shes very proud of him! but shes also like. well at least fundy enjoys being a man because i sure dont this is miserable and everyone within a 5 mile radius immediately raises an eyebrow. i think being in pogtopia fucked her up about it because she started seeing people as being Afraid of her and for a reason she couldnt place being a Big Scary Crazy Man hurt in more ways than one but she was spiralling too hard to really analyze those feelings

and then in limbo all she Has is her own thoughts. and she comes back and shes manic and she considers telling everyone but but but but. tommy is looking at her with a shocked expression and tubbo isnt even talking and the new kid is trying to shield tubbo from her and suddenly all the feelings from pogtopia start rushing back and shes like oh. not enough to stop the mania but enough to sting hard enough, like a pin that she puts in the thought itself for another time

i thought the utah reveal was very funny. i also wish wilbur got to talk to more people, and i think that itd be interesting for him to talk to ghostboo whos like god i was SO scared for people to know this "real me", the me that everyone would be scared of, but now that i dont care about any of that anymore im free!! and wilbur would also talk to like. idk various others including more genuine convos with eret and with all of it eventually shes able to get to a calm resolution of. i need to be somewhere else when things are good enough that i can leave

and cdream dies (<-fully talking in terms of my rewrite now) and wilbur makes sure tommy is okay and everything and Then something similar to the utah reveal but like. slightly less mentally ill happens. wilbur is still sorta vague and tommy gets panicked and pissed thinking wilburs about to commit suicide again and wilburs like oh god no i just. i need to be somewhere else to change without everyones eyes on me. i dont like this me i think theres something deep inside me thats broken and im trying to repair it but i cant repair it if im This me. and tommy talks about how its all just One wilbur, just going through changes like everyone else but tommy and the people who matter love wilbur, no matter what kind of wilbur hes being, because hes still himself and thats the person they love, no general or president or ghost from the past, just wilbur. whoever he wants that person to be yada yada

and it sort of Clicks for wilbur in a sense. oh, this is all just one me, and im in charge. and people stick by me because im me no matter how much i change. and i think i know what changes i need to make (around this point is like. i think this would trigger the acceptance of ghostbur in a sense. i have complicated feelings about the ghosts but just know he and wilbur would truly be the same person through and through now). but i still need to go away for a bit. just a little. and tommy trusts her and she leaves for a bit and takes hrt and takes a while just to know that she likes the changes and when she does know she likes the changes she decides ok. this is who i want to be. this is Me. and comes back eventually to heal with everyone else too

misc hcs: i think she would actually prefer relying on hrt and breast forms to full top surgery. also dont think hed care about bottom surgery. she would still like her big coats and sweaters but she'd also wear skirts more often. maybe not dresses though unless its a formal event. also think she would grow out her hair a bit but not that much. in general like.. she doesnt change That much. shes still wilbur soot. but shes happier now and she looks more comfortable, like this is the self that she wants to be. i think she would feel like whatever broke inside her was slowly being patched back together

(and eventually, she realizes there was never anything broken about her in the first place. and she sits on a balcony and she still gets an intrusive thought about jumping but she knows she doesnt want to, not anymore. shes alive, and shes herself, and shes making the most of it.)