#okay FINE i'll post art here I GUESS

[shmepoe]

Danny Elfman... now jamming out!

[sirfrogsworth]

I posted the below on my Facebook. I am secretly trying to head things off at the pass. Every time people see pictures of me out and about, they think I have been magically cured or my health status has improved. And I know going to Florida is going to give people that impression.

But also, I just wish a few of my relatives could understand my situation better. And why I didn't come to Christmas. And why I might try to come to Christmas now.

I guess I'll see how this goes.

-----------------------------------

One of the biggest struggles I've had my entire adult life is explaining why I appear fine whenever people see me. I say I am very sick and bed-bound and then they see me and I am out of bed and talking and joking and... a normal healthy person.

What many don't realize is I am making a choice.

A choice to get sick.

I can use up all my energy in a short time frame to accomplish a difficult chore or entertain a friend or go to a doctor, but that is going to have a consequence.

The more I do, the more severe the consequence.

In the ME/CFS world this is called "post-exertional malaise." (for those interested, you can read more about it here: https://rthm.com/art.../what-is-post-exertional-malaise-pem/ )

Imagine every time you wanted to do something, you were *choosing* to get the flu.

Take a walk, get the flu.

Exercise, get the flu.

Spend a night out with friends, get the flu.

And you might be thinking, "Okay, it can't be as bad as the flu. I've had the flu and the flu sucks. No one would choose that."

I may not get the nasty respiratory symptoms, but everything else is pretty much the same. Crippling fatigue, horrible aches, and the loss of the will to do much of anything. Sometimes it is much worse than the flu. Some people don't know how much being this exhausted can hurt. They have never used up enough energy that their body is unable to power itself properly. I usually say it is like every cell in my body is starving and screaming for energy. I feel it in every inch of my body—and not just on the surface... through and through. So, like... cubic inches.

Sometimes I don't even have the energy to power my legs. Trying to stand feels exactly the same as trying to lift a barbell with way more weight than you can lift. I can't get upstairs or even walk to the kitchen. It's a concentrated misery that defies description, despite my constant attempts to try.

Sometimes I get lucky and this flu lasts for a day or two. But the more active I am, the longer it can last. And the severity increases as well. There is also a cumulative version of this—where if I do a bunch of little things over a longer period of time, eventually it will catch up to me and I may be stuck in bed for a few weeks.

And when I say "stuck in bed" I mean stuck in bed.

Short trips to the bathroom and a few minutes in the kitchen to make food. If I spend too much time upright, my legs will literally give out and I will be stuck on the floor until I recharge enough energy to get up again. It would be like every time you needed to get up, you had to hold your breath. Not to mention, the more I do, the longer the recovery will take.

For a long time I chose to never get the flu. I stayed in bed and did just enough to avoid the worst of PEM. I skipped family get-togethers. I didn't see my friends. And I lived my life inside the computer. Some may find that sad, but I actually found a way to make this work. I ran a successful blog that was seen by millions of people and I met my two best friends who I now consider my new family.

One thing that allowed me to choose not to get the flu was my parents. I fear some thought they were spoiling me. They did my laundry. They helped clean my room. They got my groceries. They cooked my food. They took on any chore they could so I could avoid the flu and live some semblance of a life on my computer. There is a lot of guilt wrapped up in that. I didn't ask them to do that. They just sort of... did. And I am so grateful to them.

To be fair, they would have to do these chores for themselves anyway, and tacking on my stuff wasn't a huge deal. But I know it caused them a little extra pain and a few post exertional consequences of their own. So I appreciated that sacrifice more than I can put into words.

But then they both got very sick. And not only could they not help me with my stuff, I had to help them with their stuff. And this was a difficult transition. I had to choose to get the flu to take care of my parents, but then if I got the flu, and I couldn't take care of my parents. I believe this is called a catch-22.

My initial solution was to just not take care of myself. At all. My health and mental well-being was set aside and I just gave all of my energy to them. I didn't shower. I forgot to take important medicines. I didn't do a single thing that brought me joy. And I'm reminded of that analogy of the airplane emergency where the oxygen masks drop. You put on your mask first before you put one on your child. Your instinct is to save them first at all costs. But if you pass out, they are screwed.

So I kept getting that cumulative version of the flu. I'd help them as much as I could for a week or a month and then I'd be useless to them for just as long. Living in the basement did not help. Stairs were very hard for me and constantly going up and down was a huge waste of energy.

And I'm sad to say, the level of care I gave to my mom was not great. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand how to balance my needs with hers. And it led to costly mistakes. She had several preventable falls that caused injuries. At one point she spent hours on the floor because I fell asleep and did not check on her. When you know someone needs regular supervision, you need to synchronize sleepy time.

Thankfully I learned from all of these lessons. Maybe not as quickly as I would have liked, but I did figure it out. I just wish I had learned them before my mom passed. I just wasn't able to give her the help she needed.

And you can tell me "you did your best" all you like, but this isn't a guilt I am choosing. It's just there and I feel it no matter what anyone says. In time I am hoping it will get lighter, but I'm afraid it cannot be wiped away with a well-intentioned platitude.

But with my dad, I decided to move upstairs. That was something I should have done much sooner. But I liked having my personal space and that was hard to give up. When he slept, I slept. When he spent 4 hours at dialysis 3x per week, I would make sure to take care of any personal needs. I would do chores a tiny bit at a time. 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there. And then I would lay on the couch in between and regain my strength. I did everything possible to not get the flu. And I got my flu shots so I wouldn't get the actual flu. (Get your flu shot! 50K die from it every year!) The only hitch in my plan was when I got a kidney stone at the same time my dad was in rehab. I have no idea how I got us through that.

I was very proud of the care I was able to give my dad. And I'm so grateful I was able to pay back just a tiny bit of what my parents did to help me. And the care I gave my father is the only thing that helps me feel better about my failures with my mom.

But now I am entering a new chapter of my life. And I find myself choosing to get the flu more often. I have decided sometimes it is worth the consequences. Part of that is because I am more used to it after dealing with it for 20 years. I have coping mechanisms and procedures and techniques to manage the symptoms. It doesn't make them suck any less, but it definitely makes it more manageable. It's akin to people with chronic pain who still feel the pain just as profoundly as when it was new, but they get so used to it that they forget that isn't how they are supposed to feel.

I approached this scientifically. I did tests. I went to the movies. I tried once a week and that was too much. Then I scaled it back and that was more manageable. Then I realized I had movies at home and decided to end that experiment.

I started to put my energy into something I enjoyed more. My photography. So I have been finding new ways to take pictures again. More experiments. I'm designing a simpler studio that requires much less energy. I'm creating a little product photography workstation where I don't have to set up everything each time I want to take a cool picture of an object. It will just be "turn on the lights" and "take the pictures."

Figuring all of this out made me realize how much I missed photography. And since I have been shooting test pictures here and there, my mental health has been noticeably better. And once I get this all figured out and set up, I am hoping some of you will let me take your photo. Or a photo of your kid. Or a pet. Whatever you have that needs photographing, I'm game.

I'm not going to charge. It's not going to be a business. I do not have the energy to "hustle." And asking people for money just sucked all of the fun out of my beloved art form. It corrupted it. I just love taking pictures and if you need a photo, I'd like to do that for you. I also restore old photos for fun. I'll talk about all of this more in another post when I am ready to start.

And then my grand experiment is coming next week.

I am going to travel.

I am going to see my best friend in Florida for two days. Two days of travel and two days of visiting. This is a scary choice. I know the aftermath is going to be difficult. But I need to get out of this house. I need to see my chosen family in person. And I have never been on a plane and I love the perspective from high places. I know people hate air travel, but for me, looking out that viewport is stunning television that cannot be matched.

Purposely making myself sick sounds like a bad idea. But it isn't life threatening. I have the free time to recover as long as I need to. And I can always choose not to get sick for a while if it gets too hard.

I just ask that people not see this as going from a worse life to a better one. I was really proud of the life I was able to create for myself while staying in bed. That took a long time to figure out. I met some of my favorite people. And I accomplished things I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams. Please do not shit on that life and think it was sad or meaningless. I was given that life as a gift from my parents and it kept me alive. It has always been a huge insult when people pitied that precious gift they gave me.

This is not a better life that I am trying to figure out. It is just better for me right now. My needs have changed. I have changed. So I am trying to adapt. I just ask that people understand when I go out and do something, please remember the choice I am making.

You may be tempted to say, "You are doing so much better!" I am not any better than I was 10 years ago. Actually, my health has degraded. It's just that before I didn't think getting the flu every time I did something was worth it. And I would hope everyone would understand that was a valid choice.

And now I am inviting those consequences.

On purpose.

Give me the flu, I guess.

[roxannarambles]

I commissioned the wonderful @gotchibam to draw this piece and they just blew out outta the water, absolutely beautiful. There's not enough art of Nemona and especially not enough art of Nemona & Juliana, so I thought, why not? Not to mention I'm still salty about our Paldean friends being excluded from the DLC, so here's a little something to remedy that 💜🧡

In honor of the art being finished, I'll even post a Juliana/Nemona scene from my Teal Mask Rewrite fanfic that was mostly obscured due to Carmine and Kieran's hijinks. Because I did in fact have the whole conversation written, but I didn't put it all in since the 'ship really wasn't the main focus of the story. Scene behind a cut in case folks are not interested in 'ship stuff ^_^

They wandered the outskirts of the festival, the mood cozy and comfortable as they chatted under the light of the lanterns.

In the midst of their discussion, Juliana was saying,

"I dunno, I still think maybe I shouldn't have played Fezandipiti instead of Carmine."

"What? No, you did great, what d'you mean?"

"Well I just felt kinda bad, she seemed really deadset on it."

"Nahhh, she volunteered to be Munkidori! It's fine."

Juliana tossed the remains of her candy apple in a trashcan as they walked by. She sighed,

"I guess so. Though I got the feeling she only did that 'cause-- uh."

She hesitated, hoping Nemona wouldn't notice.

"Cause what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"What?"

"It's silly, it's-- well. She made that weird comment, um. Thinking we were girlfriends?"

". . . oh."

There was an awkward pause as the two walked. After a few moments, Nemona asked,

"Does it bother you?"

Juliana asked cautiously,

"Does what bother me?"

"Just, um. People thinking . . . that. I mean, if it bothers you, we can tell them we aren't--"

"What, no, it doesn't bother me!"

"Oh, okay. Are you sure?"

Juliana laughed.

"Of course! Why would it? Like . . . somebody thinks I'm dating the coolest, most kickass, smartest girl in my school, oh nooooo, how awful, whatever shall I do?"

She'd held a dramatic hand to her forehead as she'd said it, and Nemona groaned,

"Unnngh, c'mon, Jules."

"What?"

"I really wanna know if it bothers you, I'm being serious--"

"I'm being serious too!!"

They slowed to a stop near some park benches. Nemona cast her a wary glance.

". . . you are?"

Emphatically, Juliana answered,

"Yeah, of course, I'm dead serious. You're the coolest, most kickass, smartest girl in my school."

"Nnngh, Jules!"

"What?? Nemona, I know you hate compliments but I am gonna keep saying it until you accept it's fact--"

Nemona buried her face in her hands, saying,

"Noooooo . . ."

Juliana drew closer and gently grabbed her hands, pulling them away from her face and holding them. Gazing deep into her eyes so she knew she was serious, Juliana told her,

"I mean it, Nemona. You're incredible. Every day, you inspire me. You attack life with everything you have. You love so deeply and you never let anyone stop you, no matter how often they've tried. You're sweet and you're brilliant and you're kind and you're literally the most amazing person I've ever met."

Blushing intensely, Nemona squeaked, "Oh . . ." Juliana let her hands go and cleared her throat. "S-so, uh, yeah, I mean . . . it doesn't bother me." "Okay. . . t-that's good. . ." "But, uh, hey, if it bothers you if people think we're girlfriends, I mean, that's fine--"

Nemona cut her off, voice incredulous; "--bother me? Of course not! How-- if-- if we were girlfriends I'd be the luckiest girl in the world!" Juliana blinked at her, startled. With dawning realization, she breathed, "Oh . . ." "H-hypothetically, I mean . . ."

Lips twisting into a wry smile, Juliana nodded, "Right, of course."

Her glance shifted away, and after an awkward pause, she ventured, "So, um . . . hypothetically, if we were girlfriends . . ."

Nemona answered quickly, "Yeah?"

Juliana's eyes returned to Nemona's. She inched closer to her, almost imperceptibly, and continued carefully, "Are you . . . the kinda girl who likes surprise kisses or likes to be asked, orrrrr . . ."

Nemona considered the question seriously before shrugging. "I mean, either's good, I guess it depends on the situation. . ."

“Okay. Got it.”

They gazed at each other in tense silence. The seconds stretched on and felt unbearably slow; one second, two, three . . .

Then Juliana took a breath and blurted,

"Could I kiss you?"

Nemona's eyes widened, almost comically large. She automatically wetted her lips and swallowed, her gaze flitting to Juliana's lips and then back again to her eyes. She stammered, ". . . u-um, h-hypothetically, o-or . . .?" Juliana laughed softly. "For real." After a lingering pause, Nemona nodded, a burgeoning smile threatening to overtake her. Juliana slowly leaned closer and lifted up a little on her toes; their eyes slipped shut as their lips met. It was very tentative at first, slow and careful and awkward, but it was also soft and warm and kind of wonderful.

Juliana felt Nemona's hand cradle her jaw as she pressed closer, deepening the kiss. Juliana could swear it felt like something bright and hot was thumping in her chest-- like hot coals being stoked to life.

"All right, EAT DIRT, DORKS!!"

She startled at a sudden shout and the force of something impacting with her back. A few seconds later, she realized it was a snowball.

[greenerteacups]

Hey GTC, I have always been such a fan of your Tumblr and your engagement with the fandom. However I must say that as of late, the questions you’re being asked most often are essentially variants of “Will X happen?” or “Will Y character do Z like in the book?” or even, “I’m noticing Theme A, will it continue in future chapters?”

A significant element of the fun that you’ve created for Lionheart readers is that we don’t know which elements and events of the JKR texts you’ll preserve untouched and which you’ll turn into the sixth and seventh year Lionheart storylines. I adore making my guesses to which parts of canon you’ll play with and which parts you’ll completely and utterly upend. Unfortunately, questions that ask about canon events in books 5-7 ruin so much of the fun.

Historically, you’ve used the Ask box to provide us with analyses of your own work and characterizations, but I feel as if recently you are often indulging questions about books 5, 6, and 7. I hate to say it, but I even feel that your answers veer into spoiler territory. I used to lurk your Tumblr incessantly, but since I’ve started to see this influx in predictive questions these past couple weeks, I’ve been avoiding the app.

It’s such a gift that we get to engage with your work on such a vibrant epistolary and interactive space as your Tumblr. I know that you can’t control what fans ask, but I humbly request that you please consider refusing to answer questions that ask you to ponder future events. Thank you for your tender care to everyone in the fandom. ❤️‍🔥🦁🧡

Hey, what's up, dude. I hear you. Sorry about that.

The problem is that the line between spoilers and not spoilers is totally subjective, and the line between "spoilers that are fine" and "spoilers that bother me" is also totally subjective. I don't know where you are on it, but we probably don't line up, and that's okay. I just don't know how I'd begin to sort out questions that one person considers "too much" from what someone else just thinks is fun analysis. My hard rules are as follows: I don't answer any questions about future ships, events, or arcs (and I get a lot). I haven't revealed anything that I would be unhappy to discover in a Tumblr askbox instead of a fic itself. True, I've dropped teaser/trailer stuff for 6 and 7, but to be honest, even looking over the stuff I've posted recently — I hate to say it, but I disagree with you. It isn't spoilers. Not to me, anyway.

But that's just me! There's no right or wrong answer here, it's just a coordination problem of how we can both cultivate social media experiences that make us happy. For instance: I like answering questions about my fic. It makes me happy to talk to people who want to know what happens. It encourages me and gets me excited to write about it, and I don't believe that any of the content on my Tumblr spoils what's going to happen. I don't really want to stop doing that, so I'm not going to. If that means you and other readers whose spoiler thresholds are below mine can't engage with my Tumblr, that's a natural consequence of us having different attitudes about media, and it was bound to happen. I'm sorry that that's the case, but it would bring me much more grief for you to injure your reading experience than it would for you to avoid my (largely irrelevant) e-journal full of random metatext. I love my fic, and I love my readers, you most certainly included; I do not, candidly speaking, love my Tumblr account. And for what it's worth, I absolutely do not think anything I've written on here is worth diminishing your experience of a story you enjoy. It wouldn't jive with my philosophy of literature and art.

So here's what I got: I'll continue tagging spoilers about past and current events as [#lionheart spoilers], and if a question makes reference to events not published, I'll use the tag [#prognosticating]. That way you can block the tag, and other readers can enjoy content that fits under their threshold of non-spoilerism. If our thresholds still don't line up, then I think the only solution may really be to block the [#lionheart spoilers] tag altogether. That's probably not the answer you're looking for, but it's the best I can do.

[matrixbearer2024]

A Familiar Face

Husker x OC

A/N: Wanted to try out writing for a different character so here's me trying to do the hazbin hotel's resident bartender! I'm not sure if I'll officially start writing for other characters except for Vox just yet but I'm slowly trying to learn the rest of the cast. Anyway, thanks @ilovelyneysm07 for letting me use your art in the thumbnail and I hope you enjoy this short drabble with Husker and your OC Serena! Dunno if the cat's OOC or not I tried my best TwT

A/N: Also don't worry guys, the next interlude for the Get Off My Screen Series is in the works. I'll probably post it this evening if I can finish it then :)

Husker never gave a second thought about redemption, after all- he was in hell for a reason. The gambling, the obsession, the greed- his lifestyle was a far cry compared to heaven's sparkly standards and unrelenting fine print. Not to mention his deal with a certain radio demon. He sold his soul for power, and for as along as the deer was in hell- so was he.

So you could imagine the bartender's surprise when he eventually found himself standing outside the pearly gates and they were open. To him. He didn't think it was even possible. Not to mention he was placed in an outfit similar to the suit he wore in his overlord days. How that happened, he wasn't quite sure.

"Husker?"

That was a voice Husker didn't think he would ever hear again. Not since... well- not since he was alive. He slowly moved to look over, breath caught in his throat from both the shock of the disbelief at who he saw.

"Serena?"

Neither dared to move first, instead just staring at each other. That was until Husker finally broke the silence, taking a step forward. A step bridging the gap closer.

Serena was just conflicted about everything, from not seeing her friend for so many years only to find out he'd been damned to the inferno. For what? Truths untold and hidden that only added fuel to the fire. Despite that, she couldn't help feel relieved that friend was okay. He was there, and they could finally talk again.

"I... guess I owe you a hell of an explanation huh?"

Serena uncrossed her arms running up to the feline and giving him a hug, Husker let out a heavy sigh and returned the gesture; his wings wrapping around them both. Feelings untold, the guilt for lying, on top of just how much the bartender just missed her-

It was a lot.

"Yes. You do. It's only lying by omission but still. Don't ever lie to me again. You know I hate liars."

"Yeah, I know. I'll tell you everything that's happened this time. It's a lot."

Serena chuckled, looking up at her friend with a small smile. Even if she was disappointed and angry with him at first for deceiving her like that. Things he was never able to tell since she had died earlier than he did.

"You promise?"

Husker returned the small smile, his arms around her tightening slightly.

"Yes doll, I promise."

[horrorisunknowntoyou]

Simon "Ghost" Riley x Fem! Artist-Reader [Tattoos]

A/n: This is technically a part two but it's not needed to read this. Also ooc Simon maybe? Idk but I'm here to supply wholesome fics for my fellow fluff enjoyers.

Also c/n = codename

Credit to @punkwrld for this idea. They commented this on my other post. This is a more wholesome approach to it.

_______________________________________________

So it was a known fact you can draw within the task force at this point.

From mindlessly doodling or staring at things that caught your attention or the huge folder of save pictures and photos in your phone.

It was obvious at this point.

Simon knew since he looked through your sketchbook when you accidentally left it on a bench.

Since then, he would sometimes watch you draw or give you little requests, mostly of soap in dumb shit. But that's fine.

But one day one of his requests caught you off guard.

You sat on a table, it was your free time and you had pieces of paper on the table, scribbling random things that you consider interesting or whatever idea stuck in your head. As you draw, you hear footsteps behind you and see a shadow blocking over you. A hand gently places on your shoulder as they soon sits besides you on the bench.

Simon left whatever he was doing to join you at the table to watch you draw.

"y/n"

"yes?"

"I want you to do something for me. Do you think you can handle it?"

"Depends, what request do you have this time?"

He thinks about it before his glove hand gently taps on the paper, " I want you to design a tattoo for me, of a skull and your codename. "

The pencil stopped, and you turn at him, surprised at his request.

"w-wha? Are you sure? I know you like my art, but that's permanent Simon."

"yes I'm sure, why else am I asking you."

You just sat there, " umm I get that, but like I said it's permanent and I don't think my art is that good. I can give you ideas and basic stencil but a finish idea? I don't know."

All he replied with was a hum.

After much thought, you flipped to a new piece of paper, you set the pencil down and faced him. You gently grabbed his arm much to his surprised, inspecting it, trying to guess where he would want to add it. Your face close to his, focus at the task.

"Will it be on the arm that already has tattoos or a different place?"

Simon was just staring at her before answering her question. " Same arm."

"hmm, okay...I get it." She then faces the paper as she starts to work on rough ideas.

Based on previous tattoos Simon's has, and his requests. Black and white, it has to have a skull and some reference to your code name.

It took ALOT of debriefing and rough ideas to get a design you liked.

You want to make sure, it works well with his other tattoos and the placement is right on him.

He could tell you were focused on this as you barely talked during the drawing process. And at the end stages he wasn't allowed to see it until you thought it was perfect.

He was pretty happy at the design at the end.

And when it came the day to actually get it inked, you were nervous. He reassured it's fine.

He let you come along to watch. He wasn't even faze with the pain. In his words he said "It tickles."

Most of time, you mainly talked to the tattoo artist over art related things and Simon stayed quiet.

He wasn't a jealous man but, he was definitely watching how excited you got with the artist.

Did he understand the conversation? No.

But overall it was a pleasant time, and once it was done, it looked really good on him. You were so excited over it.

Simon stared at it on the mirror, silently taking it in as now a part of you was on him.

And that comforted him.

As the tattoo artist wrapped it up so it can heal you sat on the chair looking through folders curiously at the lettering and designs.

" Simon, maybe next time I'll get something based off you tattooed on me. I don't know maybe something cheesy like ' I love you' in your hand writing or something. "

"Is that so?" Simon replies, " maybe I should too."

" you just got one! Wait until that one heals or something! " You closed the folder in hand, setting it aside back to the bookcase.

Once it was healed, Simon didn't show it off to others, even Soap. But you knew he adores it. He was still same old him but you swore, you heard him say your name is a happier tune.

Oh and at home, he still wears his hoodies but sometimes you'll catch him in tank tops or shirtless staring at the tattoo.

Overall you did a good job and Simon seems a little more brighter then before.

A/n: my oc's codename is raven so my Headcanon is he has a skull and raven on him. also fun fact, I have a tattoo on my wrist. It didn't hurt a lot but it.

Also I'm so sorry if this is bad.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hail sex witch! I recently went in for my first pap smear/pelvic exam (prior to which I read your blog posts about them which helped more than I can express, thank you!) It was overall comfortable and I would even say a good experience because they answered a lot of questions I had and explained some basic stuff that I really needed spelled out for me. The only thing was that for a few weeks after the appointment I didn't want to touch/look at/think about my vagina whatsoever. It was just this weird feeling of vague but powerful embarrassment, which I would have expected during the appt itself but not after the fact. I didn't even want to catch glimpse of myself when undressed, and was showering with the lights off lol. Even though this didn't last long I also do not want to go back to those doctors and want to start over with a strange doctor, even though the doctor I saw was very good and likeable and helpful and absolutely nothing unpleasant happened during the appt. (I don't plan on changing doctors; I liked these ones! But there's still this unreasonable urge to book my next appointment somewhere else).

I know a big part of your philosophy seems to be that "is this normal" is often not a very useful question, but I guess that's what I'm asking anyway - is this a thing other people experience? Is it just part of the experience of being in a somewhat vulnerable position with strangers, no matter how much you trust said strangers? Or is it some weird quirk of my brain that I'll have to adjust for in the future? It didn't interfere with my life overmuch, but it's still a very strange thing to be so uneasy with your own body and have no idea why.

hi anon,

so, okay, I'm going to tell a short story, and it's not going to seem related initially, but I promise it is.

I really like getting tattoos. I have several of them now, and I like getting them! not just the final result of having meaningful art on my body; I like the actual process of feeling the needle vibrating into my skin and permanently changing me in a manner of my choosing. it feels good exciting; it gives me a little rush of dopamine even as the pain starts to kick in and in spite of any blood that oozes through. that's fine with me, because those are side effects of new tattoos that I know about and consent to by showing up in the shop, but here's the thing:

my body doesn't know the difference between "somebody cut our skin open and we're bleeding (consensual)" and "somebody cut us open and we're bleeding (holy shit go into crisis)." after my last tattoo, I was walking home (I live like ten minutes from the shop, it's fine) and although I was delighted, I realized I was also lightheaded and cold, and upon getting home was fucking exhausted because my body was, you know, panicking in the way that bodies do when they've been injured. on one level I understand that this is something I explicitly sought out, asked for, and paid for the privilege; on another level, my body thinks a trauma happened.

so, let's talk about what's happening with you.

on one level, your exam was an appointment that you made, presumably, voluntarily, knowing full well that it might be uncomfortable and awkward but undergoing it willingly because you know that preventative care is important. even know telling me about it, you recognize that this was an objectively good and even comfortable experience and that you received good care from doctors that you like who answered your questions and gave you helpful information!

but on another level, what your body knows and is responding to is that you were in a new situation in which your body was subjected to examination and penetration that you're not accustomed to, in a way that may have caused aches and pains you've never experienced before. pretty understandably, your body is under the impression that something traumatic has occurred.

the reactions you're describing - feeling alienated from your vagina, not wanting to see your own body - are often described by people who have survived sexual assault; it's a coping mechanism to distance yourself from the site of your pain. likewise, wanting to avoid going back to the physical place where the discomfort occurred is understandable - it's not rational, but who cares? feelings rarely are; you still have to deal with them anyway. it's completely understandable why you would subconsciously want to avoid going back.

it is very important to me to say this: it's absolutely fine that you are reacting this way. you're not being unreasonable or immature or overreacting or anything else; this is not your fault and you have nothing to blame yourself for or to apologize for. we're going to feel these feelings and be observant and respectful, and feel them without shame rather than try to bottle them up and ignore them. give yourself the space to feel discomfort and be kind to yourself while you work through it.

you've said that this has largely passed, save for the urge to book your next appointment elsewhere. I'm glad this isn't an ongoing source of daily unpleasantness, but it is very much something to be aware of for the future. some people, for various reasons, need to plan for some extra-strength gentleness and self-care around their pelvic exams and pap smears, and if you're one of those people then that's fine! and very good to know!

it's useful information to have for the future, and I hope that next time you're due for such an appointment you can a.) arrange to do whatever makes you feel most cared for afterwards (for some people it's netflix and a bubble bath, for others it's rock climbing, chase your bliss) and b.) stay in touch with the healthcare providers who gave you such excellent service this time. as intimidating as it can be to bring up concerns, it sounds like you were lucky enough to have a lovely bunch, and it sounds like asking them for any extra accommodations you may need to help put you at ease and keep the procedure as quick and painless as possible will be received well.

those accommodations can also look like a lot of different things. the first time I got a pap smear I prefaced the exam by letting my gyno know that it was my first time, penetration isn't pleasant for me, and that I'd likely swear a lot throughout; she was an angel about it. at my most recent exam I was having a rough time and asked for a break, which my (very cute, very gay, god what a weird way to meet a woman) gyno was happy to provide; she removed the speculum and I did some centering breathing until I felt good to finish up.

so, to answer your questions a little more neatly: yes, this is a thing other people experience for a variety of reasons, especially when their body thinks it's been hurt - which, in a way, you were, because your body is very good at being a body but not always great at nuance.

I think it's a little of column a, little of column b, in regards to your second question. maybe there is a part of your brain that will never feel fully at ease with this kind of vulnerability, but you can certainly help it feel safe and cared for as much as possible. I hope that having a little insight into why can help you do that.

[justanotherblonde]

it's sasodei week 2024!

i have precisely one thing to contribute, but ffs it's not done yet grr!! maybe we can blame my dog... she demanded i come play with her no less than nine times (i kept track) as i wrote this post (she does this by shouting at me then humping my leg to show me who's boss, sometimes pulling on my sweater sleeve with her sharp li'l teefs, beagles, man, i tell ya...) 🐶

anyway!! here's a TEASER of my Day 3 Band/Rockstar/Idol AU story ahhhhh!!! it's not even titled yet!!!!! i don't even really know what the tags will be! and i haven't had time to make a header image!! 😫

but this i know, oh this i know:

Sasori is first chair cello of the Sunagakure Philharmonic

He has a dirty little secret hobby: listening to metal (among other genres that are definitely not classical)

One of the bands he listens to is called C4

Guess who's the lead singer???

Yes, you guessed it, it's Deidara, singer/song-writer, perhaps much more...

In this AU, everybody lives!! Well... okay fine, Sasori's parents still didn't make it, i'm sorry

But that means two important things: Third Kazekage is alive! And there are a LOT of Uchiha running around.

There's more, a lot more, but you'll have to wait until i steal more minutes and hours from my dog and my work! but i'll give it to ya, come hell or high water! or wildfires, earthquakes, debilitating PM 2.5 ratings, or uh... dare i say... another pandemic??? FEAR NOT!

if you want to wait for the full thing to drop to read, i've left the teaser excerpt below the cut.

a million thanks to @sasodeiweek for hosting this event and encouraging us SasoDei creators to flex our creative muscles! loving all the contributions so far!

and without further ado...

Rehearsal ran circles round Sasori’s ears. The music followed him always, all hours.

Chapter 1

Rehearsal ran circles round Sasori’s ears. The music followed him always, all hours.

The fine, agile fingers of his left hand twitched; his right hand swayed side to side, marking the strokes of his bow. Eyes half-closed, his feet kept time on the pavement as he walked. It was Haydn this week, Cello Concerto No. 1 in C major. A weighty yet familiar responsibility for Sasori, first chair cello of the Sunagakure Philharmonic.

He sighed. Rehearsal had wrapped half an hour ago. He was on his way home, and tomorrow was a rest day. He didn’t need to torture himself like this. 

The headphones around his neck were a comforting weight, as friendly and intimate as the straps of his cello case on his shoulders. He flipped them over his ears and dug in his coat pocket for his phone. Scrolling through the saved playlists on his music app, he skipped all of the classical “homework” and went straight for his guilty pleasures: dance-pop, glam-rock, musicals… and heavy metal. 

No one at work knew about his low, low tastes.

Well, the Third had known. 

Sasori gritted his teeth, biting back unbidden memories. Now he definitely needed to blast his brain clean with some noise. 

Something heavy.

Something loud.

Something to transport him far away from the sand-scraped streets of Sunagakure.

His thumb landed on the album he was looking for.

Art is an EXPLOSION by C4. Track 1: “Light It Up.”

From that first haunting guitar chord, the tension Sasori held in his chest and face dispersed. He rode that twisting whine down, down… someplace dark and cool, far beneath the earth. As the barreling drums built to a crescendo, he held his breath—wait for it!—

A million years, through timeless stone I’m damned to walk this path alone This darkness, all I’ve ever known…

The lead singer had a deep, melodic voice. He molded each word of the verse carefully, tenderly, as if he were embarking on a ballad… then WHAM!

Cymbals crashed; the roaring chorus caught the last two notes of an electrifying riff like a surfer hopping a wave:

Light it up! Hey, light it up! Strike a match and light it up! My fuse is short, ’m ready to blow, Crush the ceiling down to the floor!

Not in a million years would Sasori admit out loud to anyone that he listened to C4, especially not now that the public were actually aware of their existence. The metal band had catapulted to fame last year with their single “Burn Down All the Discos,” but Sasori had been listening to them well before that. Three years ago, his music app had recommended him a track from Art is an EXPLOSION—C4’s debut album—based on his eclectic streaming history. 

If the first song Sasori had heard by C4 had been anything but “Artist,” he’d probably never have given them a chance: their usual sound was, on the surface, sloppy, and most of the lyrics were childish boasts. “Look at me!” their vocalist seemed to say in every song. 

But “Artist” was different. It was, inexplicably, an up-tempo perversion of Vivaldi’s Winter Largo in F Minor, lamenting how hard it was to live for art’s sake when the world ran on money and heroic virtue. Listeners without classical training would be unable to appreciate or likely even identify the subtleties of what had been done with the classical score, but the first time he heard it, Sasori had been riveted. Vivaldi’s rhythmic harpsichord had been replaced with a softly tapped snare drum; a mournful electric guitar carried the melody when it wasn’t sung. 

Curiosity piqued, Sasori had investigated the rest of the album, and found similar nods to classical music throughout the tracks, much harder to notice than the adapted Vivaldi, drowned as they were in a thunderstorm of electric guitar and percussion. C4 were more than just a metal band: they experimented with typical traits of the genre and also drew from pop rock, classical music, even musical theatre to create a sound unlike anything Sasori had ever heard. They broke all the rules and they did it with glee.

One day—a rest day—home alone and bored, Sasori had looked up the band online. It surprised him to learn that the lead singer had been only sixteen when the band was formed. That powerful voice certainly didn’t sound like it belonged to a teenager. But the band’s website was light on biographical information, and Sasori hadn’t felt like digging deeper. An overwhelming amount of fan sites and social media accounts had sprung up since “Burn Down All the Discos” and C4’s world tour. Bored as he was that day, Sasori wasn’t about to use his precious free time to obsess over some flash-in-the-pan rock band, especially one fronted by a kid.

And yet, he still listened to them.

“Artist” often competed for the position of most frequently-played song on his app, but only when he was feeling particularly moody. 

It crossed his mind that he ought to check if C4 had come out with anything new lately—the app usually sent a message when artists he’d followed released new music. Pausing to wait for a traffic light, he dug for his phone again.

Lo and behold, a new album had dropped not three days ago.

Beauty of a Moment, it was called. The cover art featured the Venus de Milo... mid-explosion.

Sasori chuckled under his breath. “He really does fancy himself an artist, doesn’t he…” 

What a fool. Popular music was not art. Rock music was not art. It came and went, but the classics stayed. For centuries. Forever.

It was the one thing Sasori and the Third had always agreed on, despite all of their differences. 

Speaking of which… 

...

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 3.5.2024

So, Polynya, did you finish the fanfic? Well...sort of? No. No, I guess the answer is actually no.

Last week, I said I had two and a half scenes left, one of which was the epilogue, and one scene I wanted to rewrite. I wrote the scene and a half that were not the epilogue, and then I tried to do that scene re-write. It came out better than it was, but I still didn't love it. I figured I would just go ahead and write the epilogue and then maybe come back and try again. 3/4 of the epilogue went great, and then I just couldn't manage to end it, and got stuck for three days. I went back and tried to re-write that scene I didn't like *again*, and barely got into before realizing that the way I was hoping to make it better did not, in fact. Yesterday, after Much Struggle, I managed to pull together an end to epilogue with is...okay...but I don't love it. So the current state of things is: 107,408 words, and it is strictly speaking, A Whole-ass Fanfic, but with two half-scenes that I hate.

It's really frustrating, because I had a bunch of productive weeks in a row, and my brain has just utterly collapsed on me in the eleventh hour. I've been trying so hard to push it over the finish line, but it's one of those things where I can't just brute force it, I need to somehow have a good idea. I am also so so tired this week. I know, logically, that probably I just need to relax and rest up for a few days and this will be easy to fix when I am feeling better, but it's hard to relax when I have this stupid almost-but-not-quite-done fanfic hanging over my head.

Here are some other stupid facts:

The scenes in question are important and I want them to be good, but they aren't exactly load-bearing, in the sense that nothing else depends on them

I don't even *need* the epilogue, and in fact, after I realized that I end all my Heart is a Muscle fics with people drinking (not on purpose, I'm just unoriginal), it made me want to drop the whole thing on principle (except that I also don't because it's sort of a thematic lead-in to the next story in the series and also Ukitake is there)

The two problem scenes are way at the end of the fanfic. When I do start posting this thing, I plan to post one chapter per week like I often do, meaning that I have literal months to fix these

Chapter 1 is beta'd and ready to go and literally nothing is stopping me from posting it this very second

BUT I don't want to post Chapter 1 until my beta has seen the whole fic because what if she notices something in Chapter 12 that needs to be fixed back in Chapter 1

AND literally nothing is stopping me from just sending my beta the last few chapters with a little note on the scenes I'm not happy with. It's highly possible she might have some ideas! Or just be like "you are insane these are fine"!

EXCEPT I don't want her to see my bad writing that I am embarrassed about

And so, here we are. I am probably going to give it another day or two, and if I can't manage to fix those two scenes, I'll just suck it up and send the rest to her.

I guess I also should re-do the banner, except I don't feel like re-doing the banner. It's....okay. I don't know. I just kind of slapped it together based on a thing we were doing at Art Club. Maybe I don't even want a banner.

Speaking of Art Club, it's March now, which meant there was a new theme at Art Club (nature) and I decided to try to get back into my daily drawing. I think this is possibly what killed my momentum on my fanfic. I am just literally only capable of having one priority at a time, even if it's a little tiny one, otherwise my brain just plays tug of war with my priorities and it's hard to manage either of them.

Anyway, I've been in kinda rough shape for the last few days, but I am sure it will pass. It's got some good bits, but I think I just never really managed to fall in love with this one, and I'm really worried about it getting a cooler reception than I'm used to, since the fandom seems to have quieted down significantly since the last time I posted one of these. On the other hand, I've worked too hard on this to not post it. Also, it's got some stuff in it that had to happen for the series to progress. And maybe other people will like it! Who knows! Not me!!

I had hoped to be able to start posting it this week, but that's not looking likely at this point, so I guess you can have another preview.

--- from Ch 3

"You really didn't have to go to all this trouble," Rukia pointed out, as she methodically piled her bowl with a heaping serving of everything on offer.

Renji grabbed a big pinch of the shirasu before passing it over to her. "It's fine. I'm not sure when I'll be up for cooking again, so I'm trying to clean out my fridge."

"Oh, so I'm helping?"

Renji grinned. "Sure."

"I love helping! If you need me to take this pickled ginger with me, I could take it off your hands."

"I think the pickles will probably keep for a bit."

"Hmmph," Rukia replied skeptically, and scooped some more into her bowl.

It was always difficult not to just sit and watch Rukia eat, in part because she truly did have an extraordinary talent for shoveling food into her mouth, but mostly because it reminded Renji of why they had come to the Seireitei in the first place, of how lucky he was these days. You have to go to work, too, this morning, he reminded himself, and dug in.

"You know, speaking of helping…" Rukia said a few minutes later, once she'd managed to eat enough to shave the edge of her morning ravenousness. "There's something I want to talk to you about."

The pleasant feelings in Renji's chest abruptly turned cold and gloppy. He frowned, and raised one eyebrow skeptically. “Yeah?”

Rukia looked up at him with her big, stupidly blue eyes. “Do you remember when we talked about how important it was for you to have a comfortable and peaceful recovery from your surgery?”

“I do. I distinctly remember asking you to drop it and not bring it up, again, actually.”

“Right, well, I never actually agreed to that. I think that you should come stay at my house.”

Renji gave her an incredulous look. “Your house? Kuchiki Manor, you mean? Your house that is actually my captain’s house?”

“It’s very nice there, as you know. The food really is very good and we have a million servants with nothing better to do--”

“I am sure they have better things to do, Rukia.”

“--and you can sit in a sunny spot in the garden and I’ll read you books and it will be so much nicer than staying in the Coordinated Relief Station!”

Renji heaved a huge, exasperated sigh. “It’s a nice idea, Rukia, but think about the look on Captain’s face if you even--”

“He said it was okay.”

Renji felt all the blood run out of his face, possibly out of his body entirely. “You asked him?”

“I know you’re only getting it done because he ordered you to. He obviously wants you to do your best to heal up well. He cares about you, too, you know, in his own way.” 

Renji stiffened, his fingers tightening on his chopsticks. “You probably told him the whole story, then? How I broke my arm in the first place?” His voice sounded like it was coming from somewhere far away.

“Not the whole thing!" Rukia shook her head vehemently. "He knows you broke it saving me, that's the only important part.”

Renji drew in a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut. All he could focus on was the sound of his own blood pounding in his ears. “Why do you always have to do this?” he finally managed through gritted teeth. “I asked you to just leave it, but you never can.”

Rukia shoved out her lower lip. “Maybe if you took care of yourself half as well as you take care of everyone else, I would!” she protested. “Just let me spoil you for a few days, would it be so terrible?”

“Yes.”

[bibiana112]

Kinda weird question- do you have any links to people talking about Mira from ZTD and ableist stereotypes? I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with her portrayal but kinda fumbled it and made some other ND people in chat uncomfortable. I searched for various keyword combinations but most of what I'm finding is like "and not to mention the ableism with Mira" and doesn't elaborate lol.

Not weird at all! And uh, you see, there's a recent post I made where what I complain about is the very fact I've never seen anyone post too in-depth about her at all, I'd love to see posts that do elaborate on that but I do not have any that I know of right now, sorry :/ hopefully someone else who sees this can point to one? Okay!! After some tag searches I have found exactly one post who kind of gets into it I like this take still would love to see. more than just one but hooray

And like though I complain I couldn't elaborate much on it myself I don't think, I believe most of the posts people make about Saito from aitsf would apply since it's a different uchikoshi take on the very same trope of "emotionless characters who cannot function without killing others" I guess he's a worse portrayal though since she's at least not stated to get reward brain chemicals when killing people and I guess her case also has the added layer of "femme fatale" to it? Which either makes it less bad or worse depending on where you approach it from As I said I am not doing a good job of being coherent on this oh and also there's her being "redeemed" and "cured" in the epilogue which in on itself is kinda not great to imply it just goes away like that and honestly I personally don't even buy it I think she'd just be like oh okay Akane over here has like a thousand reasons to hate me after all that oh and what's that she's the leader of a super wealthy underground organization who's organized one of these death traps before yeah no I'm better off going to prison I'll be fine there lmao bye

But I'll say as an autistic person with relatively low empathy I usually see a character who just doesn't understand other people's feelings and wants to feel them too and is just trying to survive despite getting no help and I just kinda go hm. yeah. shout-out to roxas kingdom hearts shout out to mary from ib shout out that's why I started hyperfixating on media art helps me with understanding others a great lot and Mira is just in a story too badly executed for me to care or even begin to wrap my head around tbh like god she's so fucking terribly used as a plot device in every conceivable way that it makes it difficult to see past it and into what she could possibly be if it weren't for the stereotype of equalling low empathy with no compassion what's with her killing off screen in ways that wildly deviate from her stated m.o? why or how was she even in cahoots with Zero why was that a thing? Honestly her dynamic with Sean could have been better fleshed out could have done something interesting about robot child and his aspd big sis but we just kind of don't get any attention brought to the subject of emotions and the authenticity there of except for the "reveal"...

YOU KNOW WHAT that's probably one huge reason it feels so fucked up actually! Like the whole fucking game is written so you could experience it in whatever order you want and therefore Mira being a serial killer at all is something that though not very well hidden it also cannot be a topic of discussion or explored Ever ever because the player may not have seen the fragment where that is revealed yet- problem being the menu design of that game sucks so bad and practically everyone gravitates towards the same few more interesting looking thumbnails first and then the rest is kinda just there, I mean that is part of the reason A Lot of characters feel half-baked I think but also I think it definitely does impact perception of her character specifically probably The Most and then there's just the general not being given nuance not being able to see the minutiae of how that disorder manifests in her character aside from the killings about how she acts aside from being overly flirty trying to lure in Eric but that affects pretty much all of the new cast we don't have last names and in her case we barely have any backstory at all like Saito is a harmful stereotype sure but we get So Much Context for him that people still love talking about him and delving into different aspects of his life since we have that very well telegraphed in the narrative meanwhile for Mira all we can do is fill in the blanks guesswork that only highlights the worst aspects of the surface level portrayal we got and ultimately that people just don't care enough to dissect because there isn't much there character wise once you remove it

[elliespuns]

I was wondering, would you mind introducing yourself a bit? Your age, hobbies (except for blogging of coure), music taste, your favorite movies, etc? I love the content you post and i love you and I don't even know you. I wanna know my favorite blogger.. lol. Only if you're okay with it

First of all, thank you for such a lovely compliment. I love you too and I don't even see your blog, mate!

To answer you; I was answering something similar once. This anon sent me questions and I filled them in, so if you allow me to just copy and paste those so I wouldn't have to type it all again (nothing has changed since then, honestly) then I'll be happy to oblige.

How old are you? I'm 30

Tall or short? Very short, I'm only 5'1 ft, 1,56 m

Sexuality? Eh, I don't like labeling myself but if I HAD TO, it'd say bisexual/demisexual.

Describe yourself briefly I'm an introverted dork that doesn't vibe with most people. I dig music, art, and I love a lot. I either love too much or not at all. I've been vegan for over 10 years now and I love funny people. Other than that, I'm just a very poetic soul that also loves to play video games from time to time and I write. I write a lot.

Something you like about yourself? I'd say it's my knowledge in English. I've been self 'learning' it for 9 years now (never been abroad) and I was able to learn the language to the point where it became a huge part of my life. Like I literally use it more than my mother language. That's a thing I'd say I like about myself.

Favorite hobbies outside your blog? I write; creative writing, poetry. Both fulfil my mind. Then I love reading (ofc). I also draw, play video games, work with graphic programs and I love taking pictures.

Something no one would guess about you I have a very high sex drive, lmao 🫣😂 and people would never say so about me, because I literally look like I have a ribbon buckled to my vagina.

Weird quirks you have Oh, god, I can't stand hand cuts. Like you can literally show me a video of someone having their throat slit and I'll be fine, but then you show me a vid of someone having their palm sliced, or simply just someone cutting their finger and I'll go all asdfghjklsdfghjk.

One talent you wished you had Damn, I wish I could draw from imagination. I can draw but I can't seem to draw anything just by trying to see it in my head. That's so fucking frustrating. And weird. Anyone else having this problem?

A word your friends would use to describe you Idk about one word, but my best friend says I'm the funniest person she has ever met, so does that count? Lol, Idk why she says this. I'm literally a potato.

Craziest thing that's ever happened to you Omg, trauma alert… when my boss (a 70 year old male) caressed the top of my head telling me I'm pretty.

Have you ever been in love? Yes, for over 10 years now (no, it's not a fictional character, lol).

What is your biggest fear? Fuck, it's hurricanes and tornados. I actually have a phobia, it's called 'ancraophobia' and it's a fear of strong wind. (I swear I don't fear normal wind tho, I'm not that weird, actually, ok?).

Why did you start this blog? When I came here one day I realized that there were only a few blogs that were dedicated to the game stuff. So I said why the hell not? I didn't expect to have an actual fanbase here, it's crazy. Love you guys.

Your favorite food? Lentils, that's the shit.

Least favorite food? I'd say meat.

Favorite TV shows? Okay, not gonna mention TLOU cause it's obvious, but the very first show that pops into my mind every time is Breaking Bad. I love this show to bits. Then I also love TWD, OITNB, Better Call Saul, Wentworth, This Is Us, Lost, The Killing.

Favorite movie of all time? My most favorite movie of all time will forever be Ginger Snaps (2000). I've loved this movie ever since I was 11. It's been 19 years ever since and I still love it to pieces. Aaaaah!

Favorite musicians? I love a lot of music, but my most favorite is Damien Rice. I love that guy and what he does. Right behind him are Cigarettes After Sex and Mazzy Star (just pure love). Then it would be Joshua Radin, The Hope Arsenal, Yaeow, The Paper Kites, The Smiths, R.E.M., Blur, BoDeans...

Do you have any pets? My chonky boi guinea pig.

[ink-flavored]

Song Pic Saying Tag Game

Thank you to @vacantgodling for tagging me!

Rules: Pick an OC and post a song you relate to them, an image that represents them in some way (aesthetic, picrew, art, etc), and a quote of dialogue or narration from them. Totally feel free to expand and explain!

This got long so I'll do the tagging right up front: @duelistkingdom @liv-is @hallwriteblr @mjjune @zeenimf and anyone else who wants to!

I have the perfect combo for this in the form of Justice, everyone's favorite emotionally conflicted angel

Song

For non-Spotify users, here is a Youtube link to Songbirds by Ben Thornewill, and just the lyrics if you don't feel like listening to audio.

I picked this song for Justice because throughout the story he struggles with his perfectionism, a sort of "holy imposter syndrome" (i.e. not being good enough of an angel), and a crisis of faith once Heaven has made clear he's no longer welcome. He's still loyal to God, he wants to continue being an angel and do what he's been created for (serving humanity and being a literal embodiment of justice), but now he's been told he doesn't belong. And on Earth, he's the "songbird in the city air" as mentioned in the song. He feels like he's never going to "make it" -- never be good enough to get in Heaven's good graces again. He has a stubborn sense of morality and refuses to compromise on his ideals, which is exactly the thing they rejected in him. He starts to realize... maybe they were right. He doesn't belong. Obviously that's a bit of a downer for him.

When it comes to "playing the part," he still acts the part of an angel even though he's as close to being a fallen angel as he can be while keeping his wings attached. Being able to literal sense human pain and suffering, he is programmed by God to help every person on the street no matter what. And despite doing this, he doesn't really get the sense he's actually materially helping, at all. No matter how many problems he solves, there's never a dip in the grand scheme of things. He cares so deeply that it hurts, and despite his estrangement from Heaven, he's more than willing to bend over backwards for humanity, doing whatever anyone needs. To his own detriment, sometimes.

In a way, he doesn't really belong anywhere anymore. Not in Heaven, not in Hell, not on Earth. He's in a perfect in-between, everywhere he goes. Like a bird in the city.

Pic

This art was a commission from @auroblaze and also directly inspired by the song above!

We can get the obvious symbolism out of the way right now - Justice, large wings, sitting and watching some birds, who are flying merrily into the sky. Free to go wherever they please, while Justice can't. He's kept all the holy signifiers, his wings and halo, but is unable to use them the way he wants to. He's up high, closer to Heaven, but will never be able to reach as high as the birds can.

Also please take note of the grandma sweater. That has nothing to do with this symbolism, but it is a very important part of his character.

Saying

Okay so. Most of these thoughts are in my head instead of on the page, but there is ONE I can use.

Context: Justice invites Pride to a church event and when they get home, they have this conversation.

“I know, I guess I…” Justice leaned against the wall, brow furrowed. “I was trying to prove something to myself.” “Like what?” He didn’t answer right away, picking at his nails. “I know you don’t want a relationship with God,” he said, slow and deliberate, “and that’s fine. I would never ask you to. But I don’t think that means you have to be abandoned by me—by us. We can still get along, we don’t have to be separate to coexist. Does that make sense?”

Justice is both trying to prove to himself that Pride's demon status doesn't preclude him being able to hang out with humans (and at least one angel) in a civil way, and in turn that the eternally suffering that God prescribes for sinners to be illegitimate. Justice, deeply faithful even after being thrown out by Heaven, feels like it's wrong for him to be cast out, but for his many thousands of years of life, he's been told demons deserve it. If that's wrong too... maybe all of it's wrong.

And also he invited Pride because Justice liiiiikes himmmmmm~~~~

[itsjustagoober]

So, uhhhhhhh.

Howdy y'all. Been a minute since I've really been around here. I mean, yes I've been reblogging and stuff, but like...that's roughly all the time I've had to do? Just pop in for a bit or so, reblog and head off again.

Gonna do my best to keep it short, but I'll also put it under the cut to keep the base post short to most. Here goes nothing, I guess?

TL;DR: A family emergency back in June literally caused my entire summer, which I had originally planned to be my most creative and focused time for projects and art and stuff, to be watching after and living with a family member up until the first week of October to make sure they would be okay. I then took a week vacation this past week to visit my girlfriend and I was so relaxed I didn't do anything else, either. I am gonna need time to get back into the groove on here as I process and reassess what I wanna do for my blogs for the rest of the year and from here out.

To start, I am very glad that I made sure my great uncle was fine for sure, the whole time I was living with him. I just also realized that, now that it's over, being his immediate caretaker for three-to-four months? Life really stole my summer and everything fun I wanted to do this year. It sucks. It's not entirely his fault, but hrrrrmgle.

So, June. I was hearing how wet and frequent his coughs were and was trying to get him to go to Urgent Care/go see his primary (which he assured me he didn't have one when I always am the one making his appointments for him), but he continued to refuse and fight me the entire way. He does this to everyone who tries to tell him how to do something he doesn't want to hear, so I just took it and knew he'd realize sooner or later this was a losing battle on his side.

That came the day he went for his dentist appointment and he ended up having a cardiac episode in the chair before they started. They called me right back and I took him to the hospital. They gave him so much stuff to bring his heart rate down, like holy shit. Thankfully, since the dentist didn't start with anything, there was nothing to worry about with drugs fighting with other drugs. I stayed there until his stepdaughter finally got off of work and I was allowed to go home after a pretty draining and traumatic day.

Oh, that reminds me. I said it wasn't wholly his fault about how this summer turned out. That's because there's another character here, his stepdaughter. She will be referred to as S from here out. While I'm at it, Great Uncle will also be R and S' daughter will be K. K is pretty cool, though, so you probably won't see her here as much as the other two, considering.

So, S is an interesting lady. She is about as old as my mother and acts like she's 22 still. Nothing against her wanting to be that way, but it made it very difficult to genuinely talk with her or see her at any point that wasn't on her time and when she was in town. Most of the summer, she barely came to visit despite everything. Every weekend, she went out partying or camping or out of town/state because she couldn't handle all the stuff with R. You can guess who that fell to, obviously. And the fact that S assumed I was gonna take care of him for her anyway, bleh. Yes, as he's family and I care about the people I care about, but assuming all that and I had to find this out later and from someone else? Not a great impression there.

Took a dinner break here, so where was I? I visited him in the hospital when I could, mostly. He was moved around so much and going through procedures and the like I barely caught him in passing. The day he was let out and moved to rehab, however, I was sure to go visit him ASAP. I made sure he was settled, met the nurses taking care of him and the schedules for medication.

He didn't have an amazing time there, according to him. However, this is because of two very important details: He didn't want to be there and wanted to be home already and that he needed to complete rehab to get home. You can probably imagine where this is going, yes. He refused to do his bare minimum of exercises and the like and then wondered why they were keeping him longer, even though they wanted to see him go and make a full recovery.

Another detail that's important is that one of the doctors in the hospital sent him to rehab with a defibrillator vest. This doctor apparently didn't explain it to him, any of his nurses at the hospital, none of them at the rehab center and most of all, me. So, this was a 6-pound burden for us all that reeeeally pissed him off especially. The damn thing would beep for any reason and while there was a book for each beep, every message shared the same beep! You wouldn't know the reason until you cross-checked the manual! And the damn battery pack kept nailing him in the shin, too. Augh.

Eventually, after a short time and a big tantrum from him that required S and I to be there for his patient review (in which S also had a breakdown because of this), he finally realized he couldn't get out until he kept the vest on and did the harder exercises to build up enough strength to be let go to go back home. And then he was, about the second to last week of August. And that's when I moved in to be his caretaker and help him with stuff around the house while he got used to it again.

The longest part came next, all his follow-ups with doctors he saw in the hospital to give him a clean bill of health to drop the defibrillator vest fully or drop it to get an internal one installed. All these follow-ups took end of August through to the end of September and his patience for everything was so worn thin. Every little thing agitated him and he never wanted to do anything extra outside of what he HAD to do. It was very frustrating for everyone involved trying to help him, myself included.

Finally, we came to October 2nd. The day he finds out about the vest and his medical stuff going forward. We go in and see the doctor. He's a very nice man and he's doing his best to do his job and let R know that, while he should be okay to take off the vest now, he needs to still be careful as he could plummet in health at any moment if he overdoes anything or even does super nothing (ya know, stagnant type nothing). Of course, R only heard that he could take the vest off and that's what he was waiting for. He was suddenly very energetic and headstrong that the doctor then quickly tried to let him know we'd still need to see him in a few months and make sure everything is okay. He even offered we come in later in the week for him to get a light defib shock to fix his heart rate from afib.

This, of course, is not what R wanted to hear. He was done, as far as he was concerned, and didn't want to do anything else. It started with a 'No.' and soon turned into a full screaming match, only from his side, to the doctor just trying to make sure he'd be alright going forward. Once the doctor realized there was nothing he could do to change R's mind, mostly from a motion from me that it wasn't worth the argument, he dismissed us as professionally as he could and everything. We left and I grabbed his card, just in case anything happens, ya know?

We're downstairs and he's so proud of himself for that outburst. He got what he wanted to hear and wasn't going to take anything else for anything he didn't want to hear or realize. We went to lunch and I just sort of clammed up for the rest of the day because it wasn't worth the effort. He didn't apologize after he calmed down or anything. He was just so proud of himself and it pretty much made me feel nauseated.

Since that was just a week or so ago from this, he started to get a big head. He was good to go and didn't need anymore doctors or meds and or anyone to help him. He started getting visibly and vocally frustrated with me, so I figured that was a good time for a short break from each other. Went back once or twice to get my stuff like clothes and food from living there for two-to-three months and then saw him off that last Saturday for October 7th. I was so anxious and everything, especially with hoping he'd be alright while I was gone.

I told S and K I'd be taking a week vacation and then go back to pre-cardiac episode (once a week every Wednesday or whatever day if he had appointments). Never heard back from S, but I thanked me for everything I had done all summer and said my kindness and love would be paid back in time. One of my great aunts, married to one of R's brothers, said the same thing. I believe them both when they said that too. I didn't need it, but I guess affirmation and validation that I did a good thing was worth it, after all it had taken out of me.

And then I went to Missouri to visit my girlfriend (@somechubbynerd ) for a week. I was so relaxed and so forced to not do anything I didn't have to that I sort of just existed in a time and limbo of bliss? I have high anxiety as it is and, not feeling it for the first time in years, I sort of didn't know what to do with myself?

My girlfriend helped loads with that, though, by guiding me through places she wanted to take me and spend time with me. We cuddled and watched YouTube together. We baked cookies and made a chicken fettuccine dinner together. We went to the zoo together and then to one of her favorite restaurants in the same day. She made me so at ease and helped me be myself for once that I sort of just was so mind-numbed into pure bliss and peace with myself.

It felt great, looking back, but I just genuinely didn't know what to do about it. I hadn't felt that in years and I am still feeling it as I write this now. It feels so nice and so calming. This is awesome, given that I actually went in to urgent care for a panic attack that was gonna put me out for a few days, back in June/July. It sucked so much, but I'm glad they helped me recover so quickly. I couldn't afford to be down for too long. I am so essential to everyone around me and to be there for them, even if I know that they all can't always be there for me.

My girlfriend, as well as a few others, made me realize I probably need to start saying no more. Not because it's to be a bastard, but I can't give myself away like this again and again and get so little in return or no time to recover from the last thing. Obviously, I should still do stuff on a basis I choose, but yeah. Maybe I should say no a little more. It also made me realize that, while not anyone's particular fault, my summer was stolen from me. This summer was planned between my girlfriend and I, as well as a few mutual friends, to work together on art, writing and projects we have been invested in for a year or more and have to keep putting off due to life and work stuff. This was gonna be the summer we were all available...and then we weren't.

I'm still processing these last three months and the year or more so far, since I finally had a break long enough to realize what's going on with myself and my life and someone to bounce my thoughts off of that I couldn't with family. It has opened my eyes a bit more about my circumstances and what the near future might hold for me. I miss my girlfriend so much already and I felt so bad I wasn't crying as much as she was when she had to drop me back off at the train station, but I guess I was still processing it too?

Yeah, still processing things. Probably for a bit, too. I'll probably need some time to ease back into things here. All my blogs and what I was doing before sort of disappearing for a long time and also being interrupted from a lot of threads I wanted to continue or even start. I hope you all can be patient and understanding with me and I'll do my best to do the same. I love y'all and nothing will ever change that, okay? I just need some time to figure myself out again. Yeah. Just need more time...

[freyalise]

that anon question about litrpg got me thinking about the iterative nature of isekai (and anime/manga as a whole i guess). do you have a favourite and least favourite genre convention?

the secret knowledge is that all literature is iterative because it's impossible to produce art in a vacuum. the other secret knowledge is that iterative doesn't necessarily imply forward progress but rather that cultural trends can be tracked in different vague directions

least favorite: i feel like it's the isekai free space but my least favorite has got to be every single time isekai depicts slavery. a whole lot of fantasy as a genre has issues with depiction of slavery but fantasy manga and isekai in particular have issues with showing slavery as just something that happens with no ethical exploration in pre-industrial fantasy societies. this topic frequently comes up about isekai in particular because of how often the protagonist either tacitly or actively endorses the institution of slavery (with special dishonorable mention to rising of the shield hero here).

that being said, even so-called "more ethical" isekai has its issues with this. in that time i got reincarnated as a slime, which by the way is one of my favorite media franchises, the fact that the orcs are prisoners of war forced into involuntary labor is more or less glossed over because rimuru is really nice to them! plus there are a lot of recent manga where the main character can tame intelligent monsters and it's not slavery you guys they just look 99% human and obey their every command and are more or less incapable of leaving it's fine main character-kun just treats them so well so it's okay.

i'm not really asking for every isekai protagonist to start cutting down slavers (though they fuckin should) but i think that if an author is going to depict slavery in their story they should be prepared to grapple with that ethical dilemma at least a little bit

most favorite: i want to say that in a different post i talked about characters that have to grapple with their previous lives and deaths in their new world, so i won't go in-depth into that. instead, i'll say that i'm a sucker for stories where the main character is isekai'd to a setting where they have foreknowledge of disastrous events and have to rely on their wits to avert that disastrous future. you see this a lot in otome isekai from korea specifically since "book enjoyer gets isekai'd as the villainess/mob character" is a super common trope over there, some of which actually get anime (why raeliana ended up at the duke's mansion)! ofc this happens a lot in manga too (with one day left i'll break all the destruction flags: 'serves you right!' RTA 24 hour record, my next life as a villainess: all routes lead to doom!), but i find that manhwa tend to tell a more in-depth story due to the faster release cycles. i'm thinking about things like marriage of convenience (which isn't an isekai, but i'm counting it here nonetheless) or master villainess the invincible!

[generationwinning]

[OOC POST YEAH . THIS IS A NON CANON STORY !!! IT WAS AN ART TRADE FROM ME TO GENERATIONLOSING ADMIN :D THAT BEING SAID! ENJOY!]

Tw: panic attack, spiraling

Ranboo woke up in a cold sweat. Their blanket had been thrown onto the floor, and their stuffed animal Niki got them fell down as well.

Ranboo had a nightmare. Right? He must've, his heart beating so quickly and the sweat drenching his back and the adrenaline in his veins.

What was the nightmare about? They couldn't remember. Shouldn't that be a good thing? But if they can't remember this, what else were they forgetting?

Okay, okay -- it's fine. Just, go over what he knows! His name is Ranboo. He worked with-- no, he escaped from Showfall Media. He got out with Charlie, and Sneeg. He found Niki, who is living with him. Niki, who's alive.

Alive? Why wouldn't she be alive?

Shot, shot, shot-- how was Niki alive? She got shot point blank, directly into her chest. They watched her bleed out and die. They watched Niki get shot by the Puzzler.

The Puzzler. He's still alive, right? But there were charred marks in the chair he was at, and in the mall there was a shine put up for him.

Ranboo grabbed his hair, curling up into himself. He didn't know what was real, spiraling as he went further and further down. His body shook without his will, breathing getting quicker and quicker.

Where was he? How does he know if any of this is real?

Is he back? Did Hetch finally find him and Charlie and Sneeg? What about Niki? Is she okay? She was shot, she wouldn't be able to use all of her strength to defend herself.

Static filled Ranboo's ears along with a high pitched ringing. Something warm ran down his fingers from where they grabbed his hair.

His vision felt blurry. He didn't know what was happening. He couldn't feel anything besides warm warm blood run down his hands and the wires inside of his mouth and in his skin and they were in his neck and Hetch is controlling him and---

Ranboo passes out.

Ranboo wakes back up. His back and neck are stiffer than they regularly are, and he yawns as he opens his eyes. Ah. That explains the back pain, he was in the living room. How did he get here?

They see that the kitchen light is on, and they can faintly hear talking but they're unable to make out the words. Slowly sitting up from their torn up couch, Ranboo carefully makes their way down to the kitchen.

"Oh, Ranboo!" Charlie's voice was unexpected, but Ranboo took that familiarity. "Go uh, go sit back down. I'll get you some water, man."

"What happened?" Ranboo yawned. He took a seat at the kitchen table and leaned against it. "What time is it?"

"It is, um, around four a.m. right now," Niki said with a small smile. "I don't really know what happened? You just started to scream, and you kept hurting yourself. And then you just passed out, and I called Charlie."

"I tried calling Sneeg, too, but he didn’t pick up his phone.” Charlie smiled softly. “But are you okay?”

Was he? He felt okay. Well, his head hurt and the ends of his fingers hurt. The back of his neck was stinging a bit, but that was normal, wasn’t it?

Ranboo stayed silent, staring at their hands. After a few seconds, Niki spoke up. “Charlie, you still have that uh, that… advil?”

“Oh, yeah!” Charlie perked up and instantly started ruffling through his pockets. He handed Ranboo one of the pills of medication, silently gesturing to a glass of water that got set down on the table. Ranboo quickly downs the medication along with the water.

“I’m… okay, I think. A few things hurt, a bit, but, like… y’know,” Ranboo rambled off, rubbing his neck and wincing when his hand brushed over the Showfall Media branding on his body. “Was just a bad dream, I guess. Sorry for waking you guys up over it…”

“It’s fine, Ranboo! We care about you, we’re not just people who will stand around and watch when you’re obviously going through something.”

“Exactly what Niki said. And I don’t mind a sleepover sometimes, even if it’s spontaneous,” Charlie laughed quietly. “C’mon, let's get back into your living room. We’ll get stuff set up.”

Eventually the three of them moved into the living room, sitting on various blankets and pillows and cushions. Ranboo sat down, with Niki on their left and Charlie on their right. Surrounded by people who care about them. The only person missing was Sneeg.

Warmth surrounded them, as a tear falls from Ranboo’s eyes. “I just really love you guys,” they whispered, “and I’m glad we were able to get out of that hell.”

Ranboo’s eyes shut, and he dreams of burning Showfall Media to the ground with Niki on his left, Charlie on his right, and Sneeg in front of him. All of them together. Safe.

[literalite]

asks

these r all the asks i got last night about the whole aesthetic discussion i'll answer in order of when i got them :p

truth b told if i started simblr like. today and knew nothing about photoshop then i'd probably be pretty demoralised too but also thats exactly how it was starting simblr anyway i just worked on it until i was happy w my skills... no one gave me a cheat code i just put time and effort into it

i agree with u im ngl like i do sincerely wish everyone had the opportunity to put hours and hours of their lives into learning how everything about this works if thats what they truly wanted. also if anything doing it solely by urself will make the process all the more time consuming but if u ask around for help people (including me! im down to help fr) will usually give it to u and that'll speed up the process more. being mad at me for having that is pointless what am i gna do go back in time and unlearn it all and for what? dsfghjk

okay i did see this being said a lot and uhhhh i was trying to understand it but like. i also don't. like ok with cluttered aesthetic build shots or yknow the odd landscape with heavy bloom shader on it i guess if ur looking at it completely from that pov yeah i guess it looks like some posts that "blow up" r just sort of the same shit. but the fact remains that its also it's good shit like anyone can clutter a room and take a photo of it what really counts here in my opinion anyhow is shot composition. and there's literally preestablished rules for this sort of thing u can google cinematography basics and get it for free... there's a whole field of study looking into what draws the human eye. like maybe the core concepts behind what makes a popular post popular is the same but thats because it just works. if u wanna shy away from that entirely but then complain about ur posts not being as popular then that's very much a u problem it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of us

amen these are my ocs wdym these are "sims" LOLLL these are the real people living in my head if i bust my ass making them look good then thats a choice i made

u can call this an empathy problem and try explain it to me more but i dont see how other people feeling insecure about what their current ability scales up to is any fault of mine or my problem to bend backwards to try fix... or even how i could. like is the standard high now yeah honestly it is. the learning curve was steep as hell when i first started as well. no disagreements here. but what am i supposed to do about it LMAO like i didn't create the human proclivity to be drawn to beauty i just ride off of it.

idk why i'm the bad guy for being honest for my reasoning behind what i do and don't reblog? lots of other people have been saying they dont really care about aesthetics which is great but if i said that i'd literally just be lying to you. i'm not gonna apologise for not lying... i like being able to see the passion and energy poured into the same video game we're all playing it's only natural to appreciate that- if that reads as passive aggression and u don't understand my stance that's fine by me

i would say for me personally try watch visual media that u can recognise as "beautiful" and not to shit on like. cw shows but i mean stuff that is marked by its cinematography being truly excellent. and just really examine how those set and lighting designers use angles and lighting and how the people filming and editing choose to frame their shots to achieve what works. hell looking at art helps with this too. look at other people's stuff on simblr analytically try to seriously work out why it appeals to people the way it does. ik u asked for editing tips but i think it really starts ingame you can have the most incredible editing style but it doesn't work if ur shot comp doesn't work then it'll won't hit as hard

take time to learn what most of the adjustment layers do on photoshop, and what all the blending layers look like, download other people's psds and play with them on top of ur shots to see what works! what u personally think looks good will be different from what i personally think looks good, i like dramatic lighting and muted colours and mid level contrast so not too strong but i can't speak for whether you will too. ALSO im a religious user of @/simmerstesia's psd set here i think a well chosen shot can be really elevated by using something like this to really give it that final polish

additionally if u have any like really specific questions or need some advice u can ask me on discord my dms are open like i can talk u thru it. promise it's not as daunting as it can look