#on a much lighter note!!! my classmates are nice. like. really nice. very very kind and cool and understanding and *nice*.

[kanene-yaaay]

Hmmm life sucks so u know what that means

Time for the FLUFFIEST HURT/COMFORT hidden in my bookmarks

[sparkles-and-trash]

List a 24 for tododeku? Curious to see what you come up with 😁

note: this got longer than planned, I hope you like it!

prompt: ”what on earth are you wearing?”

*start of 3rd year at UA, post war etc*

Izuku would have hoped the blaring noises and lights would have served as a better distraction than they currently were. To be fair, his mind was known to be pretty loud.

At least the all the noise kept the low string of mutters coming out of his mouth hidden from the few other people at the arcade.

It eased Izuku's mind to see that his plan to have the date at the middle of the day on a normal weekday had worked out, considering how people that were there.

That was, until his date walked in the door.

Listen, Izuku was used to being blinded by Shoto in his normal, dark and natural tones, but this was... something else.

Shoto had yet to go further than a few steps inside the arcade, which gave Izuku a few extra beats to take it all in.

The most normal part of his outfit was the turtleneck sweater, but it was much lighter and brighter blue Shoto usually wore. On top of that was some sort of holographic jacket, which Izuku might have expected from a Harajuku model, but certainly not Shoto.

His jeans were normal, baggy denim ones, but they were ripped, including a huge one on the right leg, and it showed the black... dear fucking All Might, was he wearing fishnets?

Izuku was gonna have a stroke before this day was over.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Besides a squeaky "you look very nice" when they greeted each other, Izuku had managed to not comment on Shouto's outfit for almost the entire date.

Part of the reason he had asked Shoto to come to the Arcade of all places was because Shoto had mentioned that he hadn't been inside one since he was five and his brothers had snuck him out, and he didn't remember anything but the colors, lights and fun.

Naturally, they had too try everything, and at this point, hours later, they almost had.

They were currently trying their best to beat the old Dance Dance Revolution machine, and much to his surprise, Izuku was currently winning.

His confidence quickly faded, however, when he realized why Shoto was off.

He was wearing huge platform sneakers, which obviously made the DDR game more complicated than it had to be.

When they finished and Shoto was trying and failing to show his disdain with losing this much, Izuku couldn't hold back his question anymore.

"To be honest, I think you'd beat me if you were wearing you're relgalr shoes..." Izuku stated softly.

Shoto looked down on his feet and lifted one of them to inspect it, like he just remembered he wasn't wearing his usual shoes.

"You look really, really good and all, but, Sho, I gotta ask... what on earth are you wearing?”

To Izuku's surprise, the question made Shoto snort out a short laugh.

"I know, okay? But I asked Ashido for some advice, and it went very quickly from choosing between a black and navy turtleneck, to nearly maxing my Father's credit card on a shopping spree."

Shoto shrugged with a small smile, before he continued.

"I wanted to say something, but Ashido was having such a good time, and she is always so kind, so..."

Izuku honestly didn't think he could love the boy next to him any more than he already did, but things like this just kept proving him wrong.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The sun was almost set as the boys were walking back to the dorms, and Izuku was trying very hard not to overthink about how their hands were intertwined.

Their conversation was suddenly interrupted by an excited shout somewhere behind them.

" -isn't that your classmates?! Hey! HEY! Midorya! Little Todoroki! HEY!"

The boys simultaneously turned their heads to see who was yelling for them, and were greeting by red feathers, waving arms and an apologetic looking Tokoyami.

"Hawks!" Izuku exclaimed excitedly. Shoto raised his hand a little and nodded.

"What are you two doing? You're not on patrol in your civilian clothes, I'm guessing?"

Tokoyami shook his head, and Hawks chirped in.

"Nope! Tokoyami just needs to learn how to have fun! And I happen to be an excellent teacher!"

Tokoyami sighed heavily, and Hawks continued;

"Speaking of fun, look at you go, tiny-Roki! Who came up with that? Are they a stylist? I haven't had one since the whole, yanno, commission burned to the ground-thing, but this is really inspiring!"

As Shoto mumbled out the Mina-explaination, and Hawks looked more and more excited, and Tokoyami looked more and more mortified.

When they finally said their good-byes and parted ways, Shoto looked like he was trying really hard to decide something, and then he got a strange, almost mischievous look in his eyes, before he looked over his shoulder, and yelled;

"Hey, Hawks, next time you see him, say hi to my brother for me!"

The highly undignified squawk coming from the #2 hero told Izuku more than he needed to know.

~ Drabble requests open ~

[circethegoblin]

STAYING ALIVE MASTERPOST, FROM A BROKE TEEN WITH ADHD

here you go. some down to earth tips on how to not die metally nor physically.

tired of those "drink three liters of water everyday uwu" and "wake up at 5 am" and "buy a bath bomb and a fec mask and some other things you don't have the money for" shit? i'm here for ya.

1. NOT DYING

eat at least three meals a day, one of which m u s t be warm and above 300 kcal (it can be istant ramen with an egg added if you have to)

you technically should shower everyday, but we know how it is. A change of clothes is sometimes enough.

DRY SHAMPOO AND BABY WIPES!!!

keep bottles with water everywhere. On your desk, near that spot on the floor you always end up sitting on, near your bed, basically whenever you know you spend a lot of time. No need to get up and go to the kitchen will help. Obviously change the water in the bottles as often as you can.

Get some form of physical activity. It doesn't have to be much, you can for example replace scrolling on tiktok by walking around your room and scrolling on tiktok! Brilliant, isn't it? Obviously, running or doing those 10 minutes workouts from youtube is better, but you are still getting like an hour of walking.

Buy blankets. Steal blankets. Summon blankets from other dimensions. Just make sure you have a lot of warm, soft blankets in your house. You will thank me when you won't have the anergy to wash your sheets (just take them off and throw some blankets on your bed), or when the power goes out.

If you have pets, ALWAYS keep spare food that'll last for a week for them.

things to always have in the kitchen: milk, eggs, flour, rice, pasta, yeast, cheese, oil, a leafy vegetable, onions, tomatoes, apples, patatoes, some flavourful sauce, sugar, salt, spices and an emergency chocolate bar. You can make a lot of food with those. Just make sure you won't eat the chocolate too fast.

Have a lot of spare batteries. A lot.

Get urself a flashlight, a lighter, and a pocket knife.

Remember the apples? eat one a day. if you don't like apples or you can't eat them for any other reason, you can take a kiwi, banana, orange, basically something that will give you vitamins and non processed sugar.

do the dishes before your sink starts developing it's own ecosystem

drugs from that one guy around the corner = very bad time

2. NOT DYING INSIDE

Open the damn window.

Don't watch so many commentary videos. You are probably not even checking the sources, so you can easily make unjust judgement, and like. did you even hear of half of those people before?

make a discord server just for yourself. get into the habit of writing little things that happened to you there. rant about the fanfics you read. or the movies. vent there if you don't have anyone you can vent to. write your ideas there, write e v e r y t h i n g. make a section for passwords, for quick ideas, for your to do lists. you won't lose it as you do with sticky notes or notebooks. there is no risk anyone will see it. oh, and when you'll have a strong impulse to tell emily that you hate her? write that message in your private server and list all ur arguments. look at tat the next day and decide if you really mean that.

life sucks. come to peace with it.

cuddle ur pets if you have them

1 hour a day without a lot of sensory input. if you have to, reduce to half an hour.

if you find yourself scrolling endlessly through social media, make sure it's pintrest (just don't compare urself to the people here; if you have issues with that, tumblr may be better)

delete. twitter. from. your. phone.

influencers are lying to you; maybe not even intentionally. remember when you were watching that cute-aesthetic-productive morning routine, and you were wondering why your life isn't that pretty? why your room is a mess? why you cannot for the life of god be aesthetic 24/7? its the filter. don't worry about it, their lifes arent that nice either.

realize there's actually nothing stopping you from screaming as loud as you can right now. like there is no physical barrier. think about it. realize there's no actual physical barierr to many other things.

your body is your body. you can decide how it looks like; just remember it's in your greatest interest to keep it healthy.

3. BEING A LITTLE BETTER THAN JUST ALIVE

If you wear make up, take it off before you go to sleep.

moisturize your body; everything is better when your skin doesn't feel dry

have a one brand of cosmetics that you love and buy things mainly from it. they often have sets of products that complete each other. i like ziaja. it's a polish brand, it's surprisingly cheap and has nice quality

cleanser, moisturizer, face mist

of you can, change your sheets once every two weeks

do the dishes before your sink starts developing it's own ecosystem

do a deep house clean once a month (don't beat yourself up when you don't tho)

keep your workspace organized (it doesn't have to look organized to other people, remember)

sunscreen

cook your own food

keep a calendar

no money for scented candles? got ya. make a simmer pot: throw some apple peel, a couple of cinnamon sticks and whatever spices that smell good you have into a pot, add some water and simmer. boom. your house smells good, and you haven't spend 20 dollars.

If you really like candles, buy scented wax melts. it's cheaper.

Buy urself scented mists. they're pretty cheap and will make you feel A LOT better.

keep your clothes clean. if you aren't sure if that shirt thats on your chair is dirty or not, throw it in the washing mashine anyway. better be sure.

if you can, make your bed right when you get up

wear clothes that make you feel good. put some effort into your outfits. really.

4. OTHER PEOPLE

be nice to essential workers.

if you have money, give tips.

remember, you do not owe anyone love; it is not something you can force. even if they saved your life. even when they helped you in your darkest time. if you don't love them, you don't.

you don't have to be in a romantic relationship to be happy.

if you want to, date! date everyone! date girls, date boys, date nonbinary people! date people completly different than you, date people from different countries, date them!!! just make sure they're kind and won't kill you. even if you don't end up in a relationship, you can learn a lot.

don't be afraid to piss off people that deserve it

smile to strangers :)

5. NOT FAILING SCHOOL

heard of dark academia? check it out

romanticize the heck out of studying

do not let your studying be just reading the same partagraph over and over again. it won't work. believe me.

seterra for geography, quizlet for everything else

try to make yourself intrestet in whatever you are studying (watch veritasium, listen to podcasts about weird history facts)

notes are for you and you only; don't worry about them looking pretty. doodle on margins, make weird metaphors, squeeze in as much info as you can.

when you're studying, listen to music without words/in a language you don't understand.

chew gum while you study

get the forest app, get attached to the trees, focus.

don't feel guilty for taking breaks

grades aren't everything, but they are important.

eat something in school

don't just use the cheapest pens. invest a couple dollars in something that will make writing enjoyable and smooth

those study with me videos? they're great

if you like to argue with the teachers, take care of your grades becouse. they may not like you afterwards.

be nice to your classmates and help them with homework. if you don't do your homework they'll help you

executive dysfunction won't let you study? been there. sometimes it's better to wake up ealier tommorow and do that homework then.

don't feel guilty for failing a test

go to the goddamn class

don't pull all nighters oh my god don't especially on weekdays

6. OTHER LIFEHACKS

don't get involved in the crime, and if you do always have a believable explanation why you were doing it

have different alarm sounds for every day of the week

set a daily limit of money that you spend

great hobbies that don't require a lot of money; urban exploration, writing, hiking and learning other languages

thrift stores

don't eat grapefruits while on meds

nail polish removers dissolve most strong glues.

if you have a cut on your skin, desinfect it. do it. please just do it.

always have pads with you. even if you don't get periods, at least one of your friends probably does

sign up in your local library. its free

[cassanovancats]

felicitate. one.

WARNING: JJK spoilers. canon-typical violence.

prologue < current > two

Nov. 2016

“Didja hear about the new transfer student starting today?” Panda asked, poking his head into your room. You push him out of the doorway and lead the way outside where you collect Inumaki and Maki to walk to class together.

You hummed slightly before answering, “Not really. Nii-chan said he wanted to surprise us with him.”

“He stuffed four - four, you guys! - of his classmates into a locker.”

“Killed them?” Maki asks, shifting her weapons case to sit higher on her shoulder. Inumaki leans over, interested.

“Nope! Only ‘severe’ injuries,” Panda explains, using his claws to make quotation marks around the word severe.

“I wonder what his lineage is. If he’s a transfer then he probably doesn’t have an inherited technique. Maybe we both can train together!” Your steps get a little lighter at the thought of adding to your harem. Maki glares at you as if she heard your thoughts and gives an audible hmph.

“If he’s cocky about being the strongest at some bumpkin junior high, I’ll rough him up.” Maki declares. “I bet you’re too tired to even train today, (y/n).”

“Salmon.”

You gasp dramatically. “Even you, Toge-kun? I can’t believe my favorite partner would do me like that. You both know it’s a Monday, I only did five kilometers this morning, thank you very much. And if you would actually join me sometime, you would understand that’s an easy distance.” You toss your hair and point your nose upward sarcastically.

Inumaki rolls his eyes, “Bonito flakes.”

“What he said,” Maki nods. “It's bad enough you convinced Gojo we have to run laps to warm-up before training.” You pout at such blatant rebuffs. Another failed attempt to get a workout buddy. Not that any of your classmates were weak, quite the opposite, they just kept training to what they saw as most essential - cursed techniques and fighting.

“You wouldn’t want them on your run anyways,” Panda says, trying to cheer you up, “You’d just leave them in the dust and end up alone on your trail anyways.” You chuckle at the annoyed noise Maki makes and move to enter the classroom first. As always, you claim the desk furthest from the door and closest to the window. Inumaki sits next to you, a habit from when you both met as children at clan meetings, Maki next to him, and Panda by the door.

You toss your jacket across the back of your chair and breathe in relief. The terrible things were so heavy and while it was great in the winter, November was still too hot to be covered in fabric. You smooth your skirt across your thighs to cover more skin and turn to ask Inumaki a question about the homework when Satoru slams the door of the classroom open. “Transfer student incoming! Let’s get this party -,” he trails off seeing the bored look on everyone’s face, “-started? (y/n), explain why you’re not totally pumped.”

You raise an eyebrow, “Are you asking as my brother or my teacher right now?”

“I heard he’s a punk. I have no interest in being nice to that kind of guy.” Maki interrupts.

“Salmon.”

Satoru pouts when you nod and Panda remains silent. “Whatever.” he turns and cups his hand around his mouth to yell at the closed door. “Come on in now!”

A deep sense of dread settles in your stomach when the door inches open. You and Inumaki share a look and he is already reaching to push up his sleeve and pull down his zipper. The boy who walks in is hunched in over himself and would be cute if not for the enormous curse hanging onto his back. The monster sneers with elongated teeth over his shoulder while he makes his introduction. Although neither makes an offensive move, every student makes one choreographed movement to circle around him in a defensive measure. Maki thrusts her blade into the blackboard behind Yuta Okkotsu. “Don’t you know you’re cursed?” She sneers at him down the staff, “We learn about curses here. It’s not a place for people who are cursed.”

Satoru doesn’t move an inch when he begins the spiel you’ve heard a million times: where curses originate, how sorcerers exorcise them, and how Jujutsu High trains each generation of sorcerers. It’s clear he didn’t explain this to Yuta, as the already pale boy becomes almost translucent. You take a step back, still hesitant about what must be a special-grade curse, but trusting that your brother would never endanger you. Well, at least not to the point of possible death. If he brought Yuta to your class, there must be a reason.

But then two giant arms emerge from the blackboard to grab Maki’s weapon from her hands. An ominous voice that makes you suddenly nauseous warns, “Don’t bully Yuta!” The arms swipe your friends onto their backs in one smooth movement. Panda thumps against the wall and Inumaki slides across the floor, hitting his head on an upturned desk. Maki stumbles backwards, shocked at the easy strength of the curse.

“Stop!” The technique you borrowed from Inumaki forces everyone in the room to freeze and you fall to your knees coughing, suddenly exhausted. Your brother breaks your hold and moves away from where he leaned against his desk when he first entered the room to offer you a hand. You stand on shaky legs as he explains how Yuta came to be cursed. Satoru allows you to clasp both hands onto the one still supporting you, allowing his technique to be borrowed and releasing the hold you had on your classmates.

You move to stand with them in solidarity as they gather to their feet. Maki takes the role of your pillar, allowing you to stand slightly behind her and grip the back of her jacket, while Inumaki hands you a cough drop from his pocket. You nod a thanks, still unable to speak. God, you need to train with his technique more. He can get at least three strong commands out before being incapacitated.

“They’re going through a rebellious phase, so let me introduce everyone. First is my precious lil sister, Gojo (y/n). She copies techniques by touch, so ignore how handsy she gets.” Satoru smiles and winks behind his blindfold, “Maki Zen’in. Cursed tool user; she uses special tools to exorcise curses. Cursed speech user Toge Inumaki, (y/n) copied his technique in that little show. His vocab is limited to rice ball ingredients. And Panda.” He points at each of you as he travels down the line. Yuta moves to join where the four of you had previously stood united against him. “Wow! Five first years! That's the biggest class in a while. Yaga must be so jealous the great Gojo-san can recruit so many talented young ones.” Satoru mimes wiping a tear from his blindfolded eyes and you roll your own at his self-praise. Yuta nervously (maybe curiously? nervous is the most common reaction) eyes Panda.

By now, you can mostly stand on your own, but gesture for another cough drop from Inumaki. He indulges you, though reluctantly. You make a mental note to buy a pack to refill both your own and his pocket stashes. But first, an afternoon practical where you’re paired with your brother. A pairing which means you two will just take the Gojo family card for a trip around whatever district you’ll be traveling to. Not that you’d ever complain about that. Inumaki and Panda are paired together, which leaves Maki and the new kid. Yuta moves to stand in front of Maki (and you, by default, since you’re still slightly hidden behind her) and says quietly, “I’m, uh, looking forward to working with you.” He manages a shaky smile.

Maki narrows her eyes. “You were bullied, right?” He visibly shakes but doesn’t respond. “Thought so. You’re totally bully-able. Probably because of the curse. You act like such a good person but it feels fake; it feels gross. You’re being protected, why act like a victim?” You elbow her side with a frown but she carries on. “I bet you’ve been passive your whole life. No goals. No aspirations. Jujutsu High ain’t that easy.”

Panda takes a step to stand firmly next to Yuta and places a giant paw on his shoulder. “That’s enough, Maki.” Inumaki agrees sternly.

“Fine. Whatever,” she scratches at her head, embarrassed at being reprimanded by each of her classmates. She is the first one to leave the room, not waiting for Gojo’s dismissal. Not like each of you don’t know the routine for missions.

The class begins to trickle out slowly and you hesitate before grabbing Yuta’s wrist to tug him gently back into the room. “I wanted to apologize. Maki isn’t always nice, but I promise she’s one of the kindest souls I know. I’m glad you joined our class, Yuta-san.” You smile in a way you hope reassures him. You walk away quickly, hoping to still have time to grab a pair of shorts from your dorm. You think you might just let a curse kill you if you have to fight in a skirt again after accidentally flashing your underwear at Panda last mission. Due to leaving so fast, you miss the sight of Yuta’s frozen body burning up in a deep blush.

The six of you arrive at an elementary school without any more fights in the car. Just a thick, awkward silence. Yuta seems sweaty and is constantly wiping his palms on his pants as the group approaches the building. Gojo-sensei gives the usual mission brief, explaining how children have recently started going missing and two curses are responsible. Team Panda will be responsible for one, Team Maki for the other. “And what will Team Gojo be doing?” Maki asks, raising a sarcastic eyebrow.

“Keeping an eye on the perimeter, of course! (y/n), if you will.” You nod and begin the chant to create a curtain.

“W-what is that? it’s turning to night!” Yuta yells.

“That is a curtain. It’ll make you guys invisible to the outside world and reveal the curses inside.” Gojo-sensei pats Yuta reassuringly on the shoulder. You follow him to stand outside of the curtain. Before it closes your classmates in, Gojo adds, “Don’t go dying on us now.”

You snort and hit your brother's arm. “You shouldn’t scare him like that. Poor boy looked like he was going to faint. So, are we leaving or actually keeping an eye on them?”

“I’m curious about how Rika will react when Yuta is in actual danger. Let’s wait,” he replies. You nod and move to sit cross-legged on the hood of the car while Satoru leans against the side. “...This also gives time for your precious Nii-chan to catch up on gossip. Has sweet Toge caught onto your crush yet?”

You flush and cross your arms across your chest. Moving to angle your body away from him, you pout and petulantly say, “There’s no crush. We’re just good partners. He's the only one of my classmates I can actually take a technique from, so of course I spend time training with him!”

Satoru smiles and hums, “No need to be so defensive. You know I approve if there was a crush though, right?” You just nod, relieved he was letting it drop so easily. “Although, your poor brothers might get jealous if we get even less time with you. We’re your best partners ever, after all.”

“Of course, Nii-chan. You know Team Gojo is undefeatable,” you say. Suddenly, both of you startle and whip your heads towards a point behind the curtain. Even without copying Satoru’s six-eyes, you can see the sudden burst of cursed energy. The wave of power makes you so nauseous, you turn your head and gag slightly.

“Freaky,” Satoru chuckles. “So that's the true identity of special grade cursed spirit Rika Orimoto. Women sure are scary.”

“If he lost control of her, something must be wrong,” you hop up from your seat and step forward to dismiss the curtain.

Yuta steps through the curtain right as your hand reaches out to dash the veil away. The sight startles you. He's covered in the usual grime from missions but it’s how he collapses on top of two children he obviously carried out and the unconscious Maki draped over his back that scares you. You move to untangle the limbs and check Maki for injuries while Satoru steps forward, in teacher-mode again, and says, “Welcome back. You did it.”

You stick your hand out impatiently gesturing for the first aid kit kept in the car. When Gojo places it in your hands, you rush to tourniquet Maki’s leg where there’s an obvious gouge in the flesh. Gojo continues to talk with Yuta, likely a debrief, while you move onto the two children. Neither has any wounds that you can treat - they’re obviously cursed but that requires Auntie Shoko’s technique. You report all of this to your brother and he instructs the driver to be sure to take everyone back to school. He tells you to be sure to help ‘Ieiri-san’ with the children, and while you wrinkle your nose at the formality (Auntie Shoko has never separated her role in your personal life from her role in your training), you easily agree. With some effort and not much help from an exhausted Yuta, you manage to get all four into a car. You slide into the passenger seat and nod to signal the driver to start the car.

After copying her reversed healing cursed technique, the pair of you don’t take long to heal the children and Maki. Maki regained consciousness while you were working on her, nearly kicking you in the face. She gave you a short debrief of what had happened and, knowing she was now okay, you took great delight in teasing her for messing up her first chance to impress your new classmate. “Oh man, Toge-kun is going to love this. I can't believe Miss ‘I’ll rough him up’ got swallowed! You completely fucked up a first impression,” you cackled and dodged her kick. Shoko gave you an exasperated look from across one of the kid’s hospital beds.

“Leave my patients alone, (y/n). Go tell your idiot brother everyone is fine.”

taglist: @rowanthefox

[lizacstuff]

i'd love (if you'd like ofc) to hear your thoughts on episode 20 as a whole! i personally really really enjoyed it.. it had some very good moments not only between edser but between serkan and his dad and selin. and of course were serving that angsty, but flirty, UST that we all love! it felt like a weight was lifted off serkan and he just became even more open with her, if that makes sense? what he says to her about leaving in the latest fragman kinda shows that too.

Are you sure you want my full thoughts? Because I'm about to get long winded, like novel long winded, lol. To start off, on a superficial note, can I say that casually dressed, brooding Serkan was pretty hot? Hello, Sailor! Can we see you in pullovers and hoodies and T-shirts more often? But just happier? He was soooo sad in the opening scenes, and honestly, when you think about it, it's pretty dark that he was so messed up that he didn't leave the house or attend to any business matters for those couple of days. Very unlike him, but he's probably never been at this depth of despair before. Now, since pretty much everyone knows he wasn't leaving the house while Eda was gone, I hope someone (cough Melo cough) tells Eda, she should know that. On a similar note, Eda's friendship with the girls is so lovely. They're indeed her family. Interesting juxtaposition that she took refuge with her friends, while Serkan holed up and stayed away from everyone who cares about him. 

I agree that once we got past the dark brooding and he had the talk with his mom about how if Eda was punishing him there was still hope, he was a lot lighter. I think finally being out from under the secret did him a world of good. He can finally stop pretending to be indifferent and can just be honest about how he feels.  What the “Gitme” line in the fragman tells me, is that he’s ready to put it all out there. He’s not going to risk miscommunications or hurt feelings anymore. Which is amazing and should lead to great things in the next couple of episodes.

More under the cut (a lot more):

I absolutely agree about the scenes between Serkan and his dad and Serkan and Selin. The writing was really terrific and Kerem just knocked both of those scenes out of the park. Serkan's suppressed fury was palpable, and it was extremely cathartic to finally watch him let loose on both of them. The scene with his father went deeper in the family trauma and it was so interesting to hear Serkan say outright to both of them that the reason he moved onto the property was because Aydan couldn't leave and his dad was never there, and was never there for him as a father at all. Which we saw from the beginning when Alpteken was actually at the house but refused to attend his son's engagement party. Regardless of the fact that Serkan sprung Eda on them, not walking 50 feet to make an appearance at your son's engagement party is an asshole move. I wonder how long he's been cheating on Aydan? Years? It's interesting how she foreshadowed that revelation to Ayfer, like she knew.

Also I can't believe he was just cavorting around a luxury hotel in Istanbul. The whole Bolat family are obviously figures in the upscale social scene, anyone who knew Aydan or Serkan could have easily spotted him with that woman and gleefully spread the gossip back. Did he want to get caught? Jerkoff.

As for Selin, we been waitin' for that explosion since she sold her shares without telling Serkan!  I like that Serkan was kind to her after Ferit left her at the altar, it spoke to him taking responsibility for the part he played in trying to manipulate her out of that relationship. However, she took advantage of the new, kinder Serkan (the one that exists courtesy of Eda) and went way too far into unstable territory. I, and many other people, were so confused about why Selin was so angry about uncovering the truth of the accident, like what right did she have to be that angry over it, to stomp over to his house, barge in uninvited and accuse him of being a liar at top decibel levels? Thank goodness the writing acknowledged that it was not her place, and that was the thing that enraged Serkan. They actually allowed him to say, "How dare you come to my house, and I don't owe you any explanations." Also, I'm glad he laid out his feelings for Eda, and his lack of feelings for her. Look... that is rough. Hearing from an ex that they never loved you.  But how she could have been in any doubt, after seeing the changes in him since Eda is beyond my comprehension. She even said early on, It's like there's two Serkans, the one before you met Eda, and the one after. For whatever reason it's like she thought Eda could come in and affect him, and then she could step in and get the Serkan who was in love with Eda, not the rigid, cold one who was in a relationship of convenience with her.  DELUSIONAL.

There was so much more about this episode I loved. It was nice to see Ayfer blossoming in her new business and getting a glimpse of Fifi's past. She comes from a society family, does she? I liked that Ferit helped them. I do agree that impressing Ceren was probably on his mind, but I like to think he's also just a nice man and he likes Ayfer and wanted to genuinely help as well. Interesting that we found out that Ferit's mom never liked Selin. Curious since you'd think she'd look great on paper, perhaps it was because of the speed at which they were moving, and I think she also stood them up, right? That made me like Ferit's mom a bit more than I otherwise would have. 

Aydan was in her element getting back to her charity work, I loved the way she plotted to put her name forward for the leadership position. She's just so savvy. That's why I'm glad she's now TeamEda!  Imagine what a formidable duo Eda and Adyan will make in this world, we saw a glimpse of it last week, but they'll be unstoppable! 

The contract was a neat device. I really appreciate how it was used. One of the things that Eda feels like she can't trust is the way Serkan has tried to control her. As I've said before, I think he's really trying to control the situation. And while that doesn't really make a difference to Eda in this instance, it does make a difference to me as a viewer. If he were being controlling in the sense of trying to dictate what she says or who she is, that would be upsetting. But that's not it, he really loves her for who she is already and he's not trying to change that, he's just, as I said, trying to control the situation. We know that he likes to think everything through and always has a plan and in this instance he was just trying to protect her, but she's right that he can't do that in a relationship. Proving to her that he can cede control is important and that's exactly what the contract did. We saw him do it willingly and blindly and it was actually really beautiful. Obviously, the Serkan apology to Erdem was hilarious, but more than how much I enjoyed how funny it was, I enjoyed how delighted Eda was by it. She loved every minute of it and it was so nice to see her relax a minute and genuinely laugh both at and with Serkan. Additionally, I think she was pretty surprised that he'd followed through with it. Lots of layers to that scene.  

The charity meeting he engineered was also pretty fun to watch. I loved how he calls Engin in to join them with no prep and then just expects Engin to reel off a bunch of good ideas for the girls education initiative. Good times. And Leyla rushing in to let him know that Melo had quit was hilarious, I love that Serkan was like "the whole situation is right here" meaning that Eda was in the room so whatever Leyla had to tell him could not possibly be important. Only Eda is important! LOL. Then Serkan doesn't even think before looping Engin in to go immediately hire Melo. You know what I hope this means!? That my crackship Mengin might actually sail!!!!  LET'S DO THIS MENGIN!!!!  Oh... I know, the show seems really committed to the mismatched duo of Engin/Peril, but I really think Engin and Melo are better suited to one another. And now maybe they'll get scenes together. Piril can dump him for being too... him, and Melo can help him pick up the pieces. They would be Serkan and Eda's big-hearted, teddybear couple friends!  

Watching Eda blossom creatively and professionally while working with Serkan has been a joy. She doesn't stand in awe of him at all as a person, but she does a little professionally, and it's wonderful to see how no matter how angry she is with him or where they are in their relationship she always craves his feedback, takes in his critiques and suggestions, and basks in his praise. While she didn't want his help with her schoolwork, I can't help but wonder if he ever comes up at school. I mean she's in the tabloids with him, and since he's extremely relevant to the field of study, and specifically to that school since he built the library, do her classmates ask her about him? Or does she mention something she did or learned working at ArtLife while in class? Inquiring minds want to know.

As for Eda's resolve to keep things professional, that pretty much was DOA. She definitely challenged him to break the contract there in that room, and I think she actually wanted him to do it, though I’m not sure how she would have reacted. she wants him, but she wasn’t there yet. She knows resistance is futile, deep down she recognizes her own feelings and his and knows they'll never stay away from one another and it's only a matter-of-time, but I think she needs this. She needs for him to understand what it means to be in a relationship, she needs him to know that he can't make decisions without her, and she needs to be sure he's ready to be a partner. Thankfully, he made a lot of headway in demonstrating all of those things in this episode. He signed without reading, he was willing to do anything and everything she asked, and while he's still him (asking Leyla for intel) he respected her wishes while still being there for her in a real way throughout the episode.  

Poor Eda fainting, but it's really romantic that he's always there to catch her. I assume this narcolepsy or whatever it is, like her claustrophobia, is related to the trauma around the retaining wall collapse and her parents' death. It was sweet the way he convinced her to let him be there when she met the contractor, and then during the confrontation he didn't intervene, he let Eda say what she needed to say and was there to move the guy along when it was time. He was pretty much perfect. I know we all NEEDED him to hug her, both Eda and Serkan NEEDED it as well, but she wasn't ready to ask for him yet and he was smart enough not to push it. But the loooooooooonging. 

It's a small detail that she asked him to deal with the paps and he went home and set about doing just that. Hopefully whatever he was doing will lead to the revelation that Selin is the one who planted the story in the first place. I need that, we all need that. And just when you think it's too late at night, he does their "thing" and shows up at her place with Sirius. So dang sweet. I like that he was respecting her pretense about colleagues while at the same time just outright saying, "I'm worried about you. Are you okay?"

The next day's car ride left me in a puddle. Serkan just out there telling her that he would do anything for her. But he didn't push it on her, he waited until she asked. He did a great job of pacing himself through the episode. I find it so romantic that she told him that he couldn't watch her speech. If they were together and settled and happy, I'd think she'd want him front row, center, but in their current state he just affects her too much. She'd be focused on him, worried about what he thought, distracted by him, he just sends her mind whiring and her pulse racing.

Though, it's pretty telling and super sweet that the first thing she wants to know when he approaches her afterward is what he thought of the speech. Oh, Eda, you're not fooling anyone. His opinion is most important to you, pretty much in all things. This scene gives us something that rarely happens, Engin being tone deaf and not reading the room!! WTF was wrong with him? Interrupting like that? Dude knows that Serkan is in a situation here, you don't interrupt for really no reason like that! Get your head in the game, son! Your his wingman, you help, not hinder!

The way Eda blushed and looked pleased every time he complimented her this episode was something else. She's trying to keep emotional distance, and he's breaking the rules when he does it, but still it makes her day. She's never portrayed as a vain character, at all, so it's just so sweet how his words and his compliments affect her. No one else can make her feel like that. 

Serkan was pretty sly in making his case as well. He gets her a bit mushy telling her she lights up the room and then brings up her speech and how it might apply to him. He was right in that she probably hasn't considered things from his perspective. How devastating it must have been for him to learn the truth. I want her to go back and piece together the timeline. She knew something wasn't right with him at the mall when she gave him the robot. Maybe it will help her deal with this if she realizes he had just learned the secret. She knew there was more to the story with the cut on his hand. Knowing he was so upset he put his hand through a coffee table might give her some perspective on his state of mind and why he acted the way he did.  But mostly I want him to tell her he overheard her conversation with Ceren. I think it's important for them both to confront how things unraveled if only to help prevent future miscommunications. 

Poor Eda having a good time using her powers of persuasion to tease Serkan into helping his mother only to find out that she had convinced him to auction himself off for a dinner date! I enjoyed her momentary discomfort at that. Welcome back, jealousy. Strictly work colleagues do not get jealous when one goes out to dinner with someone else, just saying, Eda.  And that smooth bastard bid on himself so he could go out with her only. We should have known! 

The conversation prior to the runway show was priceless, Eda's animosity and reserve sort of disappear and she's just unsure enough of what she's about to do that his reassurances are exactly what she needs.  And how Kerem Bursin can blush on demand, I don't know, but Serkan be red during that conversation, lol. 

I really loved all of Serkan's reactions as the ladies walked the runway. For Selin he was stone-faced and bored looking, for Fifi he gave a sly smirk as she passed as an acknowledgement of how different, and nice, she looked all cleaned up, Melo got the huge grin, we didn't really see Ceren since the camera was stuck on Ferit, but for Piril he gave her the fond, encouraging smile like he was proud of his friend. And then Eda. I don't even know what word to use for it. Enraptured? Dumsquizzled? Fuckstruck? Yes, let's go with fuckstruck. I'm not sure he remembered to breathe while she was walking, he was so affected by her.  This boy has it bad for this girl, ya'll. 

After that, the end was a punch in the gut. Our poor babies have been through so much, they really deserved to have that nice dinner.  Damn you, Selin! Obviously this was a delaying tactic, because once they sat down to dinner, you know they would have worked it out, so we wait. But the reconciliation is coming, don't you worry. I'm feeling it within the next 2 episodes for sure. 

[punkpoemprose]

Go Figure- A Kristanna Oneshot

Universe: Art Student/ College AU Length: 2600 Rating: T (I mean there’s nudity and... descriptions... y’all can handle it I’m sure)

Notes: Happy Unbirthday Emma @epbaker! I finally finished that art student/ figure model AU for you. I know I’ve been promising it forever, so here it is! I hope you like it!

Anna yawned as she walked across campus. The art building was mere steps from her dorm, but she’d met a friend for lunch in the science building’s café, had ended up spending a bit too long chatting and subsequently was running late, too late at least to catch the bus across campus. It was not, however, so late that she couldn’t make it across campus on foot, and she was making a valiant effort at it.

The weather was pleasant, the sun was warm on her face and someone was sitting on a low wall outside campus center with a guitar, strumming “somewhere over the rainbow” while being kind enough not to sing it.

All was well in the world, until, that was, a rather strong gust of wind rolled off the Fjord, struck her portfolio and sent her sailing straight into the largest man she’d ever seen. Well, not the largest she’d ever seen really, but the largest she’d ever run directly into, which was saying something as, despite her best intentions, Anna had a bad habit of running directly into people fairly often. The apology she always had prepared slipped from her lips.

“I’m so sorry!” she said as she tried to steer herself and her oversized portfolio away from the man at her side. “I’m so clumsy, I didn’t mean to…”

She paused when she felt his hand wrap around her portfolio handle, two fingers were just on the other side of her four as he turned the whole thing long so as to not catch the wind again. When she looked up to thank him, her mouth went dry. He was not a particularly “pretty” man like many of the guys she had classes with, but he was handsome and looking mildly annoyed.

“I’s fine,” he responded gruffly, releasing the handle and continuing ahead of her, his long legs carrying him along a lot more expediently than her own could manage.

She knew her cheeks were flushed, and she stood, for a moment, to collect herself and watch him get lost in the crush of bodies heading towards the art building.

She made a sound of annoyance under her breath, deciding that she didn’t like people who didn’t take her clumsiness in stride. It wasn’t really her fault this time anyhow, and while he has said that it was fine, his face and his quick walk off hardly said the same.

“Probably a Grad Student,” she decided, mumbling under her breath, “they’re always crabby. Maybe a music major, they’re the worst.”

She sent a mental apology to the “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” guy but decided that as he wasn’t singing, he probably wasn’t a music major anyhow. Music majors always sang, whether they were any good or not. It didn’t matter to them, and their favorite captive audience tended to be anyone on campus who wasn’t in the library and who couldn’t run. Music theory master’s student, the truest breed of asshole in the building, was what she ultimately decided on before regripping her portfolio and heading up into the building.

She found her seat in the studio with a grateful sigh. She’d managed at least, not to bump into anyone else. She did secretly like the idea of bumping into Mr. Tall-Dark-In-A-Gloomy-Way-And-Handsome again. Despite his crabbiness, or what she’d perceived as crabbiness, he was nice to look at, and Anna nefariously thought that if nothing else it might be fun to mildly inconvenience him again.

She let the thought fade into the back of her mind with other daydreams like getting Chinese for dinner instead of dining hall food and talking Residence Life and Housing into letting her bring her cat Olaf to campus as her “therapy animal”. God knew she needed one with all the stress she’d been under between classes and trying to live up to her family’s expectations of her meanwhile.

“Good afternoon class,” he professor called as she started pulling her supplies out of her bag. “I think I told you last week we’d be starting life drawing from models this week, so I want you all to turn your attention to the center of the room where our model will be joining us in just a moment. His name is Kristoff and I expect you all to be professional and work at your most efficient speed. We don’t want him holding a pose too long, you wouldn’t think it, but it can get quite uncomfortable.”

Anna had been looking forward to this unit. She still wasn’t exactly certain of what she wanted to do with her art degree, but she was leaning towards being a medical illustrator, so finally getting to draw actual bodies instead of working from photographs was an exciting prospect.

She pulled her sketchbook out as well as the conte crayons that were already her worst enemy. It seemed like every time she went to use them she snapped them under her fingers. She was going to ask her professor after class if he would mind her switching to charcoal pencil for next class. She knew that it was her fault for pressing too hard, but her hands just always seemed to work better with a pencil or marker than with small waxy fragile things. Chalk and vine charcoal likewise hated her.

“Okay, you all set Kristoff?” her professor said, “Alright, whatever is most comfortable for you. Perfect! Okay, we’re just going to do some quick gestures first so we’re going to do five minutes…”

A groan came from the assembled students, and Anna almost chuckled, finishing getting herself together as her professor quieted the dissention with reminders that they’d been warned they wouldn’t have long and that they were going to do some longer poses towards the end of class. He was saying something about warm ups and how he was starting the clock now.

Anna pulled out one of the lighter crayons to start with and looked up to the model.

The crayon snapped and fell to the floor, crunched in her grip when she realized that the man standing before her was very familiar. Not only that but that he was very familiar and very naked.

Her heart raced, her eyes went wide, and she wished more than anything that she had taken another seat. Oh to be one of her classmates that wasn’t facing Mr. Tall-Dark-In-A-Gloomy-Way-And-Handsome’s face… and perhaps worse than that, his manhood.

The brief thought she’d had while climbing the stairs to the studio that he was rude because he was compensating for “something” was whisked from her thoughts as she was faced with that particular part of his figure. She knew her face was growing hot, and that he caught her eye made her feel like deflating completely into her chair. Recognition sparked in his eye, and then she saw the slightest shift in his own expression towards embarrassment.

She could hear minutes ticking down in the back of her head, forcing herself to keep looking at him, but not to think about anything other than taking what she saw and put it to paper. She scrambled to pick up the broken bits of crayon and press the nub she managed to collect into the paper. This, she decided, was going to be the longest class of her life.

***

When they had taken a break, Anna had excused herself from the room before she could catch their model, Kristoff’s eyes again. He was slipping a robe on when she made her escape. She felt his eyes on her as she left the room, and when she’d returned, he’d met her eyes as she reentered the room. She thought that maybe he’d wanted to say something to her, but she didn’t give him the opportunity to say it.

Now though, as class was ending and he was redressing, she didn’t have much of a say in whether or not he’d be able to say something to her. Her professor had seen her conte crayon incident and was discussing the importance of pressure and tool use to her. He was, also suggesting, much to Anna’s relief, that she start using a toned charcoal pencil set instead of the crayons in order to increase her productivity.

She had only a few sketches, and all of them were as much a mess as she felt. Her professor was kindly, telling her how the first figure drawing class with nude models was always stressful and that she’d do better next time, when she saw Kristoff, the model, staring at her, fully clothed.

She nodded to her professor appreciatively and told him that she’d look into the pencil set and that she appreciated his feedback and that she’d see him next week, when she saw him slipping from the room and into the hall. It was a small mercy, she supposed, that he, Kristoff, didn’t want to talk to her after all. She supposed that there was plenty he could say to her “you shouldn’t be so clumsy with your portfolio you could have hurt someone”, “your crayon falling on the floor ruined my focus”, “you probably would have gotten more work done if you weren’t constantly in a battle to look at and to not look at my dick”. She flushed at the thought as her professor released her and she was able to walk out with her things. She didn’t have another class for the day, so she fully planned to collapse on her crappy college dorm mattress and bemoan her inability to be a normal person.

He was in the hall when she walked out, looking sheepish, and totally un-asshole-ish, which made her wish that he was the jerk that she’d made him out to be before class. It would be easier to draw him next class if she just didn’t like him and was hate drawing him. She’d even take any points off her professor wanted to take if she drew him the with tiniest dick on the planet, a clear and evident incorrect detail.

“Hey… uh… Anna?”

She had thought about walking straight past him, making those muscled legs chase after her if he really wanted to talk, but the expression on his face was nervous and shy and she found herself unable to do any such thing. She realized that he must have heard her professor call her over, or maybe he’d asked a classmate for her name during the break. She certainly hadn’t given it to him.

“Yes?” she said, trying her best not to scowl or smile, both of which felt like logical expressions in reaction to him. Her brain was battling between how to treat “jerk who didn’t have the time to deal with her in the quad” and “attractive and shy guy standing in front of her in a tight fitting shirt that barely hid the strong muscled form she knew to be underneath” in a way that felt logical and satisfying.

He looked down at his shoes, pushing off from the wall he’d been half leaned against, waiting for her to walk out. It struck her as a sort of nervous motion, like he hadn’t really thought this far ahead and like he was much less smooth than he’d like to be. It was enough to make a smile ghost on her lips.

“I… I’m sorry about earlier… in the quad. I was late… I commute and my truck had problems and… you probably don’t care about that… I just, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for acting so annoyed with you. I’m just… not really good with people, even when I’m not upset. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you though. I should have said that it was okay.”

She couldn’t help but laugh. It was a small one, and she did her best to cover it.

“No, don’t… Look I’m really clumsy, I shouldn’t have expected for you to say it was fine. I’m sorry too.”

He was standing close, he towered her, but she wasn’t intimidated. She could tell now that she was seeing him as he was, as he usually was at least. He seemed a little shy, a little nervous, but kind, and it made her wish she hadn’t been so mean earlier, even if it was mostly just in her thoughts.

“Can you answer a question for me though?” she asked, unwilling to help herself.

“I.. yes. Sure.”

She smiled at him, trying to give him the warmth she probably should have given him from the start.

“What’s your major?”

He seemed surprised by the question, but quickly answered, “Pre-vet.”

Oh, she liked that. Not pretentious… at least not nearly as much as she thought music majors were. He looked a little bit older than her, so she wondered if he was a senior or just had gotten a late start to still be “pre-vet” instead of on the vet track. It didn’t really matter she decided. He already liked him.

“Can I ask you something too?” he said, seeming nervous again, even when she assented with a nod.

“Can I get you a coffee or something… you know… because I want to apologize. Not because I…”

He trailed off and she watched him brush a hand through his mussed blonde hair. A part of her had wanted to comb her hand through it while he’d been standing there, naked in the classroom when she’d been trying to decide whether she didn’t like him or whether she found him insanely attractive.

“Not because you…?”

She saw the flush on his cheeks and she felt like she was missing something that she should have caught.

He seemed confused for a moment, and then he flushed harder, avoiding her eye as she looked up at him.

“Oh… I didn’t think… I figured you’d noticed and that was why you’d left during the break?”

She shook her head, trying to think what he thought her motivations could have been other than her annoyance about their interaction outside.

“I… well… I was staring and… you’re very beautiful… and…”

She snorted, “I spent a whole class drawing you naked, why would I be annoyed that you were looking at me when I was trying not to stare at your… Oh.”

She put two and two together in that moment. She had done a lot of staring and trying not to stare at a certain part of his anatomy, and she supposed that she might have just not noticed a certain… change in him while she was drawing.

She thought that she might combust. He was standing a bit uncomfortably, she supposed it made sense, she’d just not connected the signs until he said something.

“Coffee… coffee would be nice,” she said, face hot and voice squeaking out of her throat. “But I think I should buy… sorry about that.”

He gave a little half shrug, red as a tomato himself. “It’s not something you should be sorry about I should have…”

She giggled then, unable to help herself, “No, no. I’m flattered, really! And I mean… I guess if I knew that all it took to get someone this nice and this attractive interested was to smack them with my portfolio…”

He laughed then, a warm sound that made her feel like she was melting on the spot.

“I guess I’m lucky you didn’t. Because now we get to have coffee, and maybe talk a little?”

She smiled and kicked out her portfolio with her toe, bumping it into his side again, before walking down the hall, knowing he’d follow.

[jeonggukkiepabo]

MIKROKOSMOS [PJM]

SUMMARY: There’s nothing that pisses Y/N off more than her own life. Her family is highly religious, wealthy and nothing she’d consider fun. Her surrounding is boring, but once the new guy, Park Jimin, decides to sit right next to her, Y/N enters a new world filled with romance & fun. Little did she know that this kind of fun had his shadow side to it.

WARNINGS: THIS FIC MIGHT CONSIDER TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR SOME OF YOU. IT CONSISTS OF RELIGIOUS TALK (not in a positive way), DRUG ABUSE, TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS, MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR AND MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT! I DO NOT WANT TO ROMANTICIZE DRUG USE, BECAUSE IT IS NOT ROMANTIC, THERE’S NOTHING FUN ABOUT IT. PLEASE BE SAFE! other than that there’s a few smut scenes, an orgy and some homosexual scenes.

WORD COUNT: 24k 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: a big ass thank you goes out to my babe @namjooniebjonesuniverse​ for betaing this piece, i love you

PROLOGUE x YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE

“I don’t get it, Y/N! What did we do to you? How could you end up like that?” Your mother broke down in tears while looking down at your dirty, probably disgusting smelling self. 

“You’re the worst thing that could’ve happened to our family! Just because you decided to fall in love with this Jimin guy. The devil has sent him to test you, but you failed. You sinned just to receive a bit of pleasure instead of listening to our God!” 

Your mother was talking herself into a rage, her veins popping out of her neck as she continued yelling at you, but you didn’t even listen, ignoring your own mother like you already did the past couple of months.

God here, God there. That’s all your family was talking about ever since you were little. Talking about that weird guy that seems to live in the clouds, watching you living and judging whatever you were doing down there. But, how could you think about Jesus when your mind was full of other things? Like your next shot.

“Y/N, I can’t believe it! You’re not even listening to your own mother! I need to call the church so they can send pastor Jin to us, he needs to clean your mind! He needs to get those demons out of your thoughts.”

Suddenly, she starts praying, which is your opportunity to get out of here. You slowly walk back into your room, shivering as the cold floor touched your naked feet, closing the door and smirking at the beautiful man that was already laying in your dirty bed.

“Took you long enough, babe. Did your mother tell you I’m the devil’s son again? That I came straight from hell to ruin your life? Why don’t you listen to her, angel? Why won’t you leave me for your own sake?” His fingers trail over your lips, his actions already weakening you to the bones. Jimin chuckles, his still very muscular chest rising. His voice is full of sarcasm while his lips form the devilish grin that caused you to fall for him a long time ago. 

Meanwhile, he takes the old, rusty utensils from the nightstand and slowly pours the white powder on top of the spoon. As soon as you realized his actions, your mind goes crazy and your tiny, destroyed body begins to shake from the sudden pain you feel. Much to your irritation, Jimin takes his time preparing his own shot, holding the lighter under the spoon painfully slow. 

“For fuck’s sake, hurry!”, your raspy voice breaks, but you could bet that he understood what you were saying - he just didn’t bother to listen. “Jimin, I can’t wait any longer!” Your cold hands were starting to shake so badly that you already knew that you couldn’t even prepare your own shot if he wasn’t ready within the next few minutes. But you knew Jimin way too well by now - he wouldn’t help you, you as a couple were far past this point by now and he never wanted you to go down this path anyway. 

“If you’ve got enough time to prepare your shot that slowly, hand it over. Because I need it now, you know that once I’m on turkey, I won’t be able to do it myself. GIVE IT TO ME, NOW!” You try to rip the improvised belt out of his hand, but Jimin just pushes you away with his foot as he rams the needle into his veins. 

A few seconds later, his eyes are already closing while a soft smile appears on his lips.

“Fucking son of a bitch,” you mutter to yourself before pulling the needle out of his arm and preparing your own shot of happiness. You didn’t even bother to clean the needle; if you didn’t get ill from sharing by now, it would probably never happen. 

Your hands wouldn’t stop shaking while you tried to cook the substance on the dirty spoon - and it got even worse by the time you were trying to fill the needle. You nearly dropped everything while searching for a vein that was good enough, trying not to shoot into the scar tissues. After a few misplaced shots, you finally reached a vein that was good enough for your liking - and that’s when you shot the liquid into your system. Within seconds, you got beamed into a whole other universe while falling asleep on Jimin’s slowly rising chest.

01 x FIRST LOVE

Your life is boring. Not interesting at all. You’ve spent your entire childhood in this Christian boarding school ever since you were 6. Now that you were finally out of that, your parents decided to send you to a Christian college, and to be honest: it really fucking sucks. Besides your packed lessons (that your parents chose for you), you had to take religion classes every day and visit the college church every Sunday. 

“Y/N, c’mon, we’re about to be late to Biology!”

Yeah, well. Your classmates suck too. You’ve never, ever in your entire life, seen someone coming late to class, it’s always been you. Y/N Y/L/N. It could’ve been worse, you knew that. Because of this one weird guy in front of you… yeah, his name is Thaddeus. As in Thaddäus out of the twelve disciples, chosen by Jesus Christ.

After lunch - strictly vegetarian of course - and without any motivation left in you, you strolled down the hallway to the last class of today. You unbutton the first two buttons of your white blouse, leaving enough for the imagination, anything inappropriate was covered by the striped tie hanging wearily around your neck. Whoever thought that uniforms would do any good: thank you, this is a fucking cult.

“Miss Y/L/N, could you please place your feet back on the holy ground instead of the table? Or do you want to clean the classroom afterward?” You huff in annoyance, stamping your feet on the ground so the dirt falls off your Dr. Martens. The act of rebelliousness was overshadowed by the door swinging open rather loudly. You look up, staring at the stranger’s face. None of your classmates had the guts to come in late, but there were no rumors going around about a new student, and rumors spread fast around here. The guy that came in keeps a cold gaze towards your teacher. He looks just the slightest bit taller than you, with high heels you’d be the same height. He looks good, soft facial features but thick thighs and even a thicker ass, phenomenal. As if God had sent you a personal angel.

“My lovely students, this is Park Jimin. His parents moved here from Seoul, please don’t be rude to him and accept him in our class! I bet he’d be glad to get to know every single one of you. Park Jimin, why don’t you tell the class more about yourself?” 

Park Jimin, as the teacher just told them, didn't seem to be very affected by anything. He studies every single face, which gives you the opportunity to study his. A mop of bleached hair, narrowed eyebrows, and brown eyes that had the same annoyed look as yours did. His plump lips were pressed into a line, probably hiding a rude commentary to his introduction. 

“It’s Jimin. And I don’t see the point in introducing myself, wouldn’t want to make friends anyway.” His deep voice didn’t surprise you at all, while he begins walking towards the only empty chair – which of course led to be the one next to you. You fought for this place for about two years, you would never share it. Not with him, not with anyone. “I want to sit alone,” you spit. “And I don’t care.” 

“Alright, the seat next to Ms. Y/L/N is empty as you already saw. Now, tell us about your hobbies, your favorite book, don’t be shy!” Your teacher still tries to make him talk, but Jimin just huffs in annoyance. “No hobbies, I don’t read, just look at the pictures, and for that, I prefer the dirty ones, you know?” 

“Oh, okay, well… Anyways, we’re going to start with our next topic which will be DNA and genetics. I’ll show you a little short film and you have to take some notes so we can discuss it later on. Have fun with our little friend Geni!” 

With that, the teacher started some stupid clip of an alien called Geni that wants to teach genetics while being funny. Didn’t work out that well. 

“Hey, is she always like that? She seems to be a bit sick in the head.” Jimin’s voice drags you out of your thoughts, and you were surprised that he decided to talk to you. You shrug your shoulders while muttering a quick “dunno”, feeling his eyes burning on your body as he was obviously checking you out. You raised an eyebrow as you keep staring at him. “Is there something interesting to see? You should focus on Geni, our little friend, not my unbuttoned blouse.” With that, you continued studying his face, his jawline was very strong in contrast to his hollowed cheeks. His eyes seem to be tired because they’ve always been kind of closed while his gaze is starring somewhere else. 

Just in the moment, he was about to open his mouth, the teacher screams, “Well that was fun! Never been so amused while learning important facts! Ha, Geni is a genius. I hoped you wrote down anything important so we can discuss them in the next lesson. Have a nice night evening and I hope everyone will be there to cheer on our hockey team, they have their first official match today!” 

Soon, the classroom is empty, and everyone is inside their dorms. You changed into something comfier before sitting down on your desk as you start to paint with your new oil colors. 

“Wow, damn. This is sick! Looks like some kind of a trip. Do you draw often? I mean, of course you do, it looks so fucking good!” You got so terrified that you nearly fell out of your chair, then you realized it was Jimin standing right next to you, his eyes on the piece of paper in front of you.

“Ehm, hi Jimin? Nice to see you, I guess, but this is my room?” 

“Hi, cool room. I like your style, fits mine”, he points to your pair of sweats while opening and unbuttoning his shirt. Then he sits down on the bed which hasn’t had an owner. Yet. 

“Anyways, this college sucks. I mean, it really bloody sucks. Teachers and students. Sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you, but you know how it is. Everyone seems to be manipulated by God, it’s really scary. Well, I live here now, but I gotta go. See you later, alligator.” 

He was soon gone and you were more than confused. You are a girl, living in a dorm, not knowing there was any chance to have a boy as a roommate. Of course, sometimes boyfriend and girlfriend were able to share a room in a regular college, but most of the time, it was strictly separated. Shrugging the thought off, you prepared your stuff for a quick shower, still thinking about Park Jimin and the impact he’s going to have on your life. 

The next morning already starts with a surprise, it seems like Park Jimin hasn’t been in there the entire night. His suitcase and most of his clothes are still spread across his bed. This boy was such a mystery. 

Not even an hour later, you find yourself in the first class of the day, not listening to what the teacher said, drawing in your notebook once again. “Do you always draw that stuff? I mean, yesterday, today, literally all the time. Not that it bothers me, I really like it. But I wanna know what’s in your head", a deep voice says right next to your ears, causing you to jump the slightest bit. You were so pissed about Jimin’s sudden presence that you couldn’t even answer his question. 

“Oh c’mon, don’t act like you’re listening to that bullshit this nun is talking about. And since you’re a student here, you should be drawing churches or the holy ghost or I don’t even know. But for sure not that,” he points to the burning people you drew, burning in purgatory and your cheeks got instant red. 

“Where were you last night? When I woke up I found your suitcase on your bed, just like you left it yesterday. Listen, those professors are so fucking strict, I don’t want to lose this place, okay? And one of their simplest punishments is scrubbing the church floor – which I don’t want to do either because there will be 20 Jesus figures watching you. And..” 

“Y/L/N, Park! This lesson is more precious than your conversation, seems like I have to inform both of your parents. Detention, both of you!” Your disgustingly annoying teacher interrupts you roughly. 

After 4 more hours of maths and religion, you practically run into your room, Jimin right behind you. “Y/N, why aren’t you talking to me? Are you angry ‘cause of the detention? Listen, I’m kinda sorry, but it’ll be just two hours of sitting there, it could be worse. And why is the ugly rat calling our parents? Y/L/N are you even listening?” 

You feel Jimin's hand on your shoulder, but shrug it off. “Hm? Yeah, sure I am.” 

“You’re weird, but oh well. Are you hungry? Should we head out to Subway or McDonalds? We still have a bit of time left before detention starts and I’m starving.” 

You are looking up to him, confusion written all over your face. “Leaving? The only time you’re allowed to leave is between 3 and 7. Lunch is in the canteen, but the food is vegetarian.” 

Jimin’s eyes widen in shock. “Vegetarian? Seriously? Dude, this is torture! How are you even alive?” 

“Dunno. Never had meat, never wanted to, it’s dead animals. That’s disgusting. There are plants for a reason, y’know?” 

“Sick”, Jimin nods. “Hey, Y/N! Why can’t ants go to church? ‘Cause they’re insects. Insects! Understand?” he laughs so hard that he needed to sit down on his bed, holding his stomach. 

You, on the other hand, open the bible on your desk. “Haha, funny,” you mumble and begin to write down the daily phrases you needed to hand in the next day. 

“Have you ever drunk alcohol? Or smoked? Oh, you hesitated, you’re a literal virgin. In everything! We need to change that, but first: lunch!” You squirm, unsure about what to say; simply because he was right. But to you, this was normal. Sure, you've wished for a boyfriend and maybe even sex in the past, but you never felt like you were missing out on something.

He drags you by your tiny hands and almost runs into the dining hall. “What’s that smell?”, Jimin scrunches his nose, looking confused. 

“I don’t even know, it always smells like cabbage, but there’s never cabbage in the meals. You need to get the vegetable burger, but never the vegetable sausages. Everything with noodles or potatoes is fine, salad is okay but the soups are disgusting, got it? We can go to the city later on and find something better for you.” You both decided on getting the burger and while you directly dig into it, Jimin starts off by taking a bite of the fries, then scrunches his nose again and adds half a bottle of ketchup onto them. 

“I can show you around then, but there aren’t any cool stores to buy clothes, I usually order them once I’m home.” You managed to speak while chewing your last bite of burger. Jimin smiles.

“You’re pretty cool, angel. Never thought I could meet someone I’d like in here.” 

“Look at that, Y/N! They all look like puppets!” Jimin spins around to look around the city. “Seems like there’s only one store with one clothing line, that’s terrible.” Oh boy, he was so right. Each guy was wearing ripped skinny jeans with a Supreme BoGo-Sweater and Yeezys, while all of the girls were dressed in way too tight leggings and some kind of shirts and hoodies that exposed their belly buttons. But you just shrugged, looking down at your mom jeans and the way too big ‘YUNGBLUD’ shirt you wore underneath your leather jacket. You looked like one of those TikTok girls, but you couldn’t help it - you were an emo girl in middle school, some things never change. The only thing that changed was that you got some sort of style by now, not just wearing checkerboard pants and your favorite hoodie with black stars on it. 

“Told you, I usually order my stuff online.” Jimin looks at you, nodding. “You need something that makes you different, angel.” He grabs your hand and leads you to the nearest store with a holographic ‘Tattoo & Piercing Shop’-sign. 

“Uh, well, I do already have both, so no thanks. But if you want to get some…” You laughed, causing Jimin to smirk. 

“Where?” 

You just winked before pulling him into the shop. “You need to get your nose pierced, Jimin. I don’t care if you’ll get detention forever, but I bet it’d suit you,” you smile. 

“No-uh, I’m not getting anything before you either tell me what’s where on your body or you’re getting something else. I guess tongue would look great on you, but it hurts like a buttcheek on a stick”, he raises an eyebrow, thinking about the idea of a pierced nose and actually digging it. “You know what? Fuck it, I’m doing it.” 

Half an hour later you were already able to leave the studio, but Jimin was the only one that was freshly pierced. A black stud was now decorating his nose and you couldn’t help but grin. 

“Never thought I’d see you crying, Park.” 

He laughed, slightly punching your shoulder. “It didn’t hurt, but I guess my nose is just connected to my eyes, so…” 

“Yeah, of course, tell me whatever you want.” Jimin turned around, looking at you, smiling. “Hey, could we just make one last stop? I need to get something really important, doesn’t take too long.” You just nodded, why wouldn’t you? You have more than an hour left and the walk back to college wouldn’t take more than 20 minutes. “Sure.” 

You’ve been walking for another 15 minutes, until you got slightly confused, not knowing the area you’re in. “Jimin, where are we? What do you need to get here? We need to get home soon, y’know.” 

“Don’t piss yourself, little one, I’ll be quick.” You were about 5 meters away from a weird-looking guy, chewing gum and playing on his phone, but once he saw Jimin, he nods and they exchanged a strange handshake before heading in different directions. “That’s it?” you asked, not knowing what to think about this situation. 

Once you were at your dorm again, laying on your beds and listening to different kinds of music, Jimin stands up to get some see-through plastic bag out of the pockets of his denim jacket. You didn’t really get to see it, but watch his movements as he sat back down, opening the bag and pulling some kind of dried flower out of it. 

“Whoa, is that weed? Jimin, that’s illegal! You can’t do this, you’re going to die!”, You panicked, of course, you never came in contact with any kind of drug, not even alcohol. All you knew was that drugs destroy your body, you’ve seen ‘We Children of Bahnhof Zoo’ twice and who would ever want to take anything after watching this movie? Jimin ignored your comment, grinding the weed before rolling a blunt. “Wait, you’re not doing this in here! I don’t want to die with you! Besides that, it smells, you can’t keep that a secret”, you narrow your eyebrows, making him laugh and roll his eyes while lightning the dangerous stick before inhaling some of it. 

“Want some?”, he offers, but you shook your head hysterically, the smoke burning in your eyes. “Hm, guess I was wrong then,” Jimin mumbles most likely to himself. “Thought you were different than the others, but it seems like you’re just one of them. What a shame, I thought there could be more than that between us. But don’t worry, it’s not about you, it’s about the fucking system you were born in.” 

He stood up, going back onto his own bed, while you continue to stare at the wall. Just like the others, he said. He made fun of you. All you wanted was to be on the same level as him, wanted to be as cool as him. Different than the others here. God, you haven’t even held a normal cigarette, now he wants you to smoke a fucking blunt. Slowly, the risk of getting caught, doing something dangerous and the satisfied look on Jimin’s face caused you to change your mind. You couldn’t lay still, tingles running through your entire body, the smell of weed permanently in your nose, as you watched the soft clouds wander through the room. “For fuck’s sake, it can’t be that wrong, right? Give it to me.” 

It was completely different from what you thought it would be, you had always thought weed would loosen you up, sink into your brain cells to calm you down. The only thing you felt was a burning sensation in your lungs and throat, which lead you to coughing more than you ever did in your whole life. Groaning, you handed the blunt back to Jimin who had a knowing smirk on his lips. “Angel, you need to keep that in your lungs for a longer time, otherwise you won’t feel anything.” You nod, taking the glimstick back in between your fingers to take another hit. “Try to act as if you’d want to swallow the smoke before taking another hit”, Jimin tried to explain, switching back onto your bed to help you. 

Great, you thought, you were even too dumb to smoke a fucking blunt, but kept following his instructions. Swallowing the smoke, holding your breath, trying not to cough your soul out of her body. “Sick, isn’t it?”, Jimin asks, grinning widely. You, on the other hand, were kinda disappointed, shrugging your shoulders. “Yeah, it’s so chill, dude,” you mumble and let yourself fall back onto the sheets. Minutes later, you were fast asleep. 

Part 02 x BOY MEETS EVIL

The entire class was staring at you once you walked into the room. The teachers were talking behind your backs when they saw both of you walking through the corridors. “Jimin, they’re staring,” you mumbled anxiously, turning quite shy. “Of course they are, angel. You look so pretty today,” Jimin complimented you – or your outfit. He made you wear a bra that pushed your tits to a maximum, having you open only the first button of your blouse and to complement your long legs in the tiny skirt, you wore Dr. Martens boots instead of your Converse. You grew nervous, not knowing what the teachers would tell you, but you felt good right next to Jimin. He always looked good without effort, you simply wanted to look good too. Smiling, you nodded, head feeling slightly heavier than usual. 

“Ms. Y/L/N, what on earth did you do? Wearing your uniform like this is against god’s law! Jesus will be so disappointed in you, my dear.” Your teacher sent a quick prayer to god before letting you sit down. 

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you,” you muttered under your breath but made sure the nun would hear it while Jimin snorted, then laughed. You felt strong, almost at the same level Jimin was on. 

“Ms Y/L/N, you’re going to write the entire first book of Matthew, since you put such a shame on him. And pray to god, he sees all of us!”, the teacher almost screamed before returning to her lesson. “Shit, angel. You really battled this old slut. Religion against religion! That was so sick, we need to celebrate it later!”, Jimin showed you the tiny bag he held in his pants pockets. 

“Dude, not here, not now. We’re still in the classroom! And I need to write down this fucking book later on. The hoe wants to kill me, it’d usually take a week to finish that, I can’t do it in just one evening.” Groaning, you let your head fall on the table. “You go smoke, I’ll do my shit.” 

In your room, you directly started copying the text, smelling a familiar scent about 7 pages in. You sigh, but keep your eyes on the bible, your hand already hurting from holding the pen. Who even came across the idea of writing the bible? You laughed, believing more in Harry Potter than this shit of a fiction. 

“C’mon, stop this boring shit. Bible studies are over now, Jimin time starts now. If you don’t come laying down next to me, I’ll be sad.” Jimin pouts, making you laugh, which leads you to closing the books and walking towards his bed, letting him pull you right next to him. With that, you were smoking your second joint in as many days. 

You were currently repeating your freshly learned process of smoking until the room was completely filled with smoke. Your head was resting on Jimin’s lap, as you talked about conspiracy theories and religion. I mean, as far as a discussion between two stoned teenagers can go. It’s not serious at all because you couldn’t stop laughing the entire time while playing some 90s music in the background. 

“Uh, Jiminie, why are all these guys dressed up as monkeys?” you asked, staring at the screen in confusion. 

“Well, dunno. But this song is a bop, who doesn’t like the Bloodhound Gang? Oh, wait, play this! I loved it as a child!” he pointed to a different video, jumping off the bed excitedly. Seconds later, the intro of ‘Californication’ started, changing your vibe completely. You closed your eyes before screaming to the chorus while Jimin tried to beatbox the melody. Then, he pressed a quick peck onto your lips, before both of you broke out in laughter. ‘Barbie Girl’ started and you transformed into Barbie and Ken while dancing wildly to it. “Wait, I know another one!” Jimin pushes you back onto the bed before playing another song. 

All the people look at me like I’m a little girl, 

well do you ever think it’d be okay for me to step into this world? 

I know I may come off quiet, I may come off shy, but I feel like talking, dancing when I see this guy. 

All I know is that I’m happy when you’re dancing there. 

Jimin moves his body like it’s something he does on a daily basis, swinging his hips sinfully while his eyes were locked with yours. His lips move with the lyrics, playing with the hem of his shirt, letting it fall to the ground quickly and exposing his toned abs. His own hands were roaming his muscular chest, the music getting to it’s best. 

I’m a slave for you, I cannot hold it, I cannot control it, 

I’m a slave for you, I won’t deny it, I’m not trying to hide it. 

Baby, don’t you wanna dance up on me? 

He sits onto your lap, but all the laughter from a few moments ago was gone, this shit was dead serious and fucking hot. His hips move against yours, similar to a snake on the ground, while his lips keep singing the song into your ear. The song changes, but none of you care about ‘Toxic’ being played in the background, with this guy on your lap, you’d ignore everything going on around you. You were just a teen, your cunt screaming for attention. 

There’s no escape, I can’t wait, I need a hit, baby gimme it. You’re dangerous, I’m loving it. 

Too high, can’t come down, losing my head spinning ‘round and ‘round. Do you feel me now? 

You didn’t feel anything besides your juices forming a wet patch in your panties and your rising chest. Being stoned made you so loose that you didn’t give a single fuck and totally digging his show. Your hands roam his back onto his ass, while licking your lips and staring at Jimin’s toned chest one more time. Jimin, on the other hand, keeps on going with his show. 

With the taste of your lips I’m on a ride – you’re toxic, I’m slipping under. With the taste of your poison paradise – I’m addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic? 

Then, you're sharing your first kiss with this edgy man, his stubble feeling rough against your soft skin, his lips are chapped and the exact opposite of yours. But the feeling of his dominant tongue entering your mouth and fighting with your own was so much better than you could have imagined. Jimin knows what he wants and that was you. He throws your smaller body back and climbs on top of you, his hands grabbing a fistful of your hair, while you swing one leg around his slim waist. Your teeth slam against each other’s but that was nothing that could tear you apart right now. His lips started to move down your neck, leaving some love bites and a wet trail on your collarbone, which made you groan out in unknown pleasure.

But suddenly, it felt like someone spilled cold water into your face, you were wide awake now. You snap back to reality and realize that Britney’s voice in the background was nothing more than embarrassing. “Uh, Jimin, sorry, but this is weird.” You shove him back onto his own bed, while accidentally touching his hard on. “Fuck, Y/N, what are you doing? Just let it happen, we’re both horny and goddamn high. Why do you want to end this right now?” 

But it wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t know you were a virgin. And he couldn’t know that anything sexual wasn’t a part of your life until now - you were simply ashamed.

You went straight to bed without talking to Jimin, not even trying to solve your problem. You even woke up an hour before him and ran off into the classroom without him knowing. You were the first one there, which gave you more than enough time to think about yesterday. But Jimin never came to class, the seat next to you was empty again, but this time you didn't enjoy it. Everything was like before, when there was no weird but attractive boy in your life. The only thing that has been changed were your thoughts, running back to last night, back to his hands roaming your body and soon enough, you were squirming in your seat, groaning in frustration. You couldn’t help but start drawing Jimin, his messy hair, wide grin, and red, sad eyes. 

You knew it was right to end what happened, it was just the weed that made you kiss him. You shouldn’t have smoked in the first place; like your parents always told you. But you had to admit that the kiss turned you on, even thinking about it now made you wet again. 

“Y/L/N, I’m talking to you, don’t you listen?” the weak voice of your teacher drags you out of your daydream, while you were trying to find out what they were talking about. “I wanted to know which disorders of the synapsis exist?” 

“The synapsis can be damaged by, among other things, strokes or Lyme disease. But you can also lose synapses by age or health differences,” you roll your eyes, sinking back into your fantasies. 

After lunch, you went straight back into your room, where Jimin was comfortably lying on his back, surrounded by smoke. He, of course, had your entire attention while you placed your bag down and loosened the tie around your neck. He’s just laying there, eyes closed and listening to music, yet looking like a Greek god. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and you could finally concentrate on the tattoos around his chest, which was completely hairless. Your feet dragged you to his nightstand, where the rest of his joint was laying in an ashtray. Without looking at him, you took it and inhaled a few times before taking the ashtray to your desk, the joint still between your lips.  “You could’ve asked instead of stealing my weed, y’know? But I guess it’s how it is, you take what you want before realizing you don’t really need it, huh?”, his groggy voice caused you to shriek, yet send tingles through your entire body. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, if I knew you were awake, I wouldn’t have taken it. Well, I need to do my homework anyways.” 

“Mh, sure.” 

The THC starts to work its way into your brain so that you needed to repeat every other sentence before giving in and laying down onto your bed, listening to Kodaline with your headphones. 

Your gaze wanders automatically over to Jimin, listening to the lyrics and comparing them to your own life so far. He had changed you the past few days. You smoked weed. You made out with a guy. The thing is, you didn’t mind it at all. It was different than the world you were born into, different than the secret kisses you shared with some of your friends so far. You were so lost in your own thoughts that you didn’t even notice Jimin's gaze. Your heart cramps as you see his sad expression and the frown he is wearing. You didn’t want to see him suffering, wanted him to be happy. The music touches your insides, the bottom of your heart, and suddenly,  you were able to feel anything. Closing your eyes, you allow to let your mind sink deeper into the music and away from Jimin. 

“Y/N, don’t act like you’re sleeping now. I’m not that stupid, if you don’t want to talk, then leave it. But don’t ignore me.” You haven't noticed that Jimin was now sitting next to you, but you had so many questions to ask that you needed to talk to him. Sighing, you sat up and started to chew on your chapped bottom lip, biting onto the dead skin and pulling it off. You didn’t want to start talking, but also didn’t want to give him another reason to be mad. 

“’m sorry, Jiminie,” you mumbled, not daring to look up at him. He just looks down at you, confused but grinning. “We nearly fucked and all you’ve gotta say is that you’re sorry? You’re so brave, angel.” You roll your eyes in annoyance and stand up, walking to your desk, simply trying to get more distance in between you. Jimin just groans, holding your wrists and pulling you back into his chest. “No, Y/N. We really need to talk. Not even a junkie like me could forget about this”, he looks at you with his big brown eyes and you furrowed your eyebrows. What did he say? Junkie? All he does is smoke weed, just like most teens would. “Jimin..” He just shakes his head at you. 

“I’m talking. You sit down so I can start. You don’t really know how fucked up I am, angel. Why I landed here. Y’know, in the past, I drank a lot, but I always hated the aftermath. I thought weed would be the best option. Well, I got kicked out of high school ‘cause I was always stoned, never came to school and didn’t do anything. Well and because I fucked one of the teachers, but never mind that. I tried to experience everything, especially with my sexuality. I had lots of meetings with my clique where we all just fucked. Girls, boys, girls, girls, boys, boys. Name it, I had it. Y’know, sex with guys… It’s just so different and I preferred it over girls, but since I saw you, it seemed to change again.” 

“Anyways, my mom found out what I was doing, so she sent me into some kind of drug cleanse camp ‘because she wanted me to get off the weed. In the camp, I met this guy which had lots of pills and ‘cause we couldn’t smoke, we took those instead. We swallowed one trip after another and when I came home, I never stopped. Of course, I had to tell my friends about it and soon we started to take whatever pills.  One day, we didn’t get the effect we wanted to, so one of us brought cocaine and crack. I took coke too often, my nose never stopped bleeding and I had lots of problems breathing because it was completely crusty. I never dared take crack tho, I knew how the junkies looked like and I didn’t want to end up like them.” 

“When my best friend’s grandma came into the hospital ‘cause of cancer, she got lots of morphine and fentanyl plasters to help her pain. Well, he stole them. We were one step closer to our end. I took coke to party and fentanyl to calm down afterward. Namjoon, my best friend, he was almost like a brother, then brought H to us. He smoked it through a Dr. Pepper can, of course, we knew what he was doing. Just a few days later, I found him dead because some fucking idiot sold him dirty H. Ever since I stopped doing most drugs except for weed.” 

His gaze finally met yours and you could tell he was afraid to see your reaction. You couldn’t help but hug him, letting some of your tears break free and give him the warmth he had probably missed forever. But now you knew what you wanted, him, his life. To experience exactly what he had experienced. 

You haven’t said anything the past few minutes, so you had to clear your throat before starting to talk. “Jimin, I… I don’t know what to say or how to react. I mean, it’s great you didn’t do hard drugs, what happened to your friend... It would’ve broken anyone. You stayed strong, that’s what counts. I guess nothing bad can happen when you’re just smoking weed. Besides that, I’m with you now and you know, I’m sorry. I mean, I enjoyed this kissing situation, but it was one of my first times kissing a guy. I am not experienced. My parents always taught me it’s a sin to do anything like this before marriage. I really didn’t want to hurt you, I just didn’t know how to react, okay? Maybe we could just take things slow, yea?” You rubbed circles on his back, trying to calm both of you down. 

“Sure, angel, it’s your decision, I’m just glad you accept me the way I am. I just acted like this ‘cause I thought you’d like it too. I mean, you obviously did, but I guess next time I’ll ask before just attacking you, I’m not the devil, y’know?” Jimin chuckles and to you, it sounded like heaven. He doesn’t usually laugh, besides his usual cocky smirk, and it really made you happy to be the one that could cheer him up. “Am I even allowed to say the d-word in here?” 

“Dunno, but you’ve had sex with boys, you’ll end up in hell anyway. By the way, were you a top or bottom?”, you laughed, but still curious about the man in front of you and all the secrets he still had to share with you. 

“Ouch, angel, that hurt. Would you really consider me being a bottom? But it would be a shame to waste the half-smoked joint, would you please finish it with me, my lady?” How could anyone ever say no to this beautiful man? You shake your head, laughing before grabbing the glimstick between your lips. You decided to stay in bed the entire day, smoking and kissing here and there, being lost into each other and the stories both of you had to tell until you fell asleep curled into each other. 

The next weeks went by much quicker than anyone would’ve thought, exams came and went by, there weren’t lots of lessons Jimin and you spent clean, but your pocket money couldn’t buy you as much weed as you soon needed, which brought you to different kinds of medicine to keep you high enough. This way, you took antidepressants to get rid of your lows.

The time came where you were already taking pills for breakfast, just to ‘survive boring lessons’, to get through the morning before smoking your first joint for lunch. Jimin and you were never arguing, just laying in bed, making out and whispering sweet words to each other. You haven’t had sex yet, you just weren't ready for it and Jimin accepted it. He was just a generous boyfriend, taking care of his angel. You knew you loved him, but sometimes your mind wanders off to his past, high thoughts running through your head. 

Jimin kissing other guys, while you were alone in your room. 

Jimin fucking other girls, because you weren't ready for him. 

Jimin cumming into other guys and girls, because you couldn’t fulfill his needs. 

Of course, you knew you weren’t in a serious relationship so far, Jimin always said those don’t really exist between stoners, but you didn’t want other people to fuck the guy you were currently hooking up with. You were never the jealous type, but Jimin was supposed to be yours. In his opinion, he could do whatever he wants with other boys and girls, but as soon as you even dared to look at some boy in class, he would get angry and stop talking to you for the rest of the day, leaving you behind in your shared room. Especially those days where the meds weren’t enough to share, you were just angry at each other but would end up in bed, kissing and apologizing in between.

Those days, you liked to say that you were independent. Today, you can only laugh about this tragedy that was happening, because all you felt wasn’t real. You were just in love with the drugs he gave you. 

But what do people always say? You learn through experience. And sometimes you need to fall, face down on the ground to realize that.

Part 03 x EPIPHANY

“Yes, mum, I’m fine, but I really can’t come home these holidays. What? Oh, yeah, I need to learn so much, exams are coming up and I want to pass this year. No, I don’t miss any lessons, studying just became a bit harder. Yes, I’m learning a lot with Jimin, he’s really good at Maths and Physics, he can help me a lot. Yes, I’ll tell him, mum. Love you too.” 

You hated lying to your mother, but what else were you supposed to say? “Hi mum, I can’t come home ‘cause I’m kinda addicted to pills and you’d kick me out if you knew”? Nah, that wasn’t an option. So you decided to head wherever Jimin went, tagging along, spending some extra time with him.  

“I don’t like that, Jimin. I hate lying to her”, you roll your eyes at the black phone screen, then looking over to your so-called boyfriend. “You needed to, babe. Now c’mon, I’ll help you forget your mother”, Jimin pulls his angel onto his lap, kissing you just like he knew you like it. Once you started to have sex, you solved every little argument with a quick fuck. Not enough weed? Sex. One of you looked at a different guy/girl? Oral. You, not being able to go home because you were high all the time? Making out and fucking again. 

And you could finally understand what Jimin meant when he was saying that nothing compares to the feeling of feeling so close to someone, but you always thought that was just the side effect of all the drugs you took. You were currently lying under Jimin, feeling as his orgasm overcomes him, but not feeling anything yourself. Your thoughts were wandering to your family and friends at home and not seeing them for the next few months, missing them already. And well, thinking about that while being fucked is nothing that turns you on. Jimin rolls off of you, building another blunt, still out of breath. 

“But what if she gets why I’m not coming home? I’ve never just stayed here, always went home. She’s not that stupid, Minie. Shit, she’ll know. She’ll take me off college.” 

“Fuck, angel, shut up, will you? Here, take another hit, you know, everything gets better after that”, he hands you the already lit blunt, and damn, he was right. 

“Fuck, Hoseok, what’s up, dude?” Jimin runs up to the tall guy, pressing his lips on top of his. You were too high to care, too high to be angry, too high to feel anything. You just stare at Hoseok, his curly red hair, brown eyes and the slight stubble on his chin and cheeks. His eyes had lost their glow, his skin was red and oily. 

“Hobi, this is my girlfriend, Y/N. Angel, this is Hobi, my best friend.” And his best friend was very attractive, not gonna lie. “Hey.” You weren't interested in small-talk, nibbling on the skin around your blue nail polish while staring into the woods. You had arrived at the train station a few minutes ago and Hobi was the one that was supposed to pick you up. Instead, they met at some random field, surrounded by trees and a little sea, not knowing why. You were tired, hungry and somehow not in the mood for anyone besides Jimin. “Y/N, isn’t there some nickname for you? Y’know, I’d love to call you something special. Like a street name, Y/N doesn’t fit your new self. Like…Diamond.” You roll your eyes, huffing. “Do I look like a stripper? Use my real name or don’t talk to me at all.” 

Hobi laughs. “Damn, baby girl is feisty. Mhh, I kinda like that. Baby Girl.” Now it was Jimin's turn to step him, growling. “Don’t. Call. Her. Babygirl. She’s mine.” The red-haired boy stepped aside, hands up in defense. “Okay, okay, J. Y/N is it, Y/N it stays. Let the little pumpkin live a little. PUMPKIN IT IS!” He held his hand out to high five the young couple, but neither of you made a move, instead, rolling your eyes in annoyance.  "You're too affectionate, Hobi." 

"He is, but you used to call me marshmallow, Jimin. Remember? That one sucked too", you smirked.

You walk a few steps away, throwing some pills into your mouth and swallowing them dry, exploring the bit of nature you were able to see. “Throw those away, Pumpkin. I’ve got something better, here you go”, Hobi stopped beside you, holding out his hand. You gave him the most bored glare you had to offer but open your hand as well. He handed you a little paper, Cheshire from Alice in Wonderland printed on it. “Put it on your tongue, have fun on your adventure, it’s a pleasure meeting you, Pumpkin.” Hobi winks at you, while you look over at your boyfriend who had a knowing grin plastered on his face. Shrugging your shoulders, you do as you were told and kept on walking deeper into the woods, wanting to spend your trip alone. 

You don't know what was on that paper, but you felt better than you ever did. Laying on a neon green field, the flowers were so colorful you couldn’t stare at them without squinting your eyes. The sky was super bright, the sun smiled at you so beautifully that you couldn’t help but smiling back at it. You didn’t want to stand up, but you wanted to explore the entire forest, maybe even talking to some deer and bunnies. Oh, and you wanted to be with Jimin so bad. Where was he? Probably with Hobi, which you can't deny, was wonderful. Yeah, you liked him.

“Fuck, angel. Why are you laying on these branches? We’ve been searching for you the entire day, and why the fuck are you smiling at me?” Jimin seemed to be angry, but you didn’t care. You wanted to dance, swing around, listen to music. You couldn’t do that in the woods, but still had the urge 

“Babe, can we go clubbing? I really, really want to dance, but there’s no music here. I want to drink alcohol. Whoop, you’ve turned me into such a bad girl, you should spank me for that.” You laughed while twirling around your boyfriend, dancing like you were the happiest person on earth, which causes Jimin to generously smile before narrowing his eyebrows. “I shouldn’t just spank you, I should handcuff you to the bed and torture you, angel. But not now. And we can’t go clubbing in the woods, c’mon, let’s get you out of here. Hobi, what did you give to her?” You got bored of their conversation, so you kept walking, not caring about what Hoseok actually gave you. 

A couple of hours later, you were sitting in some house full of Jimin's and Hobi's friends. Whatever Hobi gave you, you felt nothing of it anymore, the effect was completely gone, and you were on your daily low. You decided to sit outside, curling up in front of some creek and watching the water flowing, not caring about the party, just waiting for Jimin to look after you. 

“Yo, Pumpkin, why don’t you come inside? The last few lines are gone and I have the last bag of the good stuff saved. I’m sure you don’t wanna spend time with Jiminie-pabo when you’re sober, c’mon in.” Hoseok pats your shoulder before running back inside, your sad body following him. As soon as you were inside, you immediately see Jimin, his freshly dyed peachy mop of hair bent over the table, a rolled Dollar in his nose, snorting whatever is on the table. Raising your eyebrow, you remember him telling you he’d only do weed and pills, him snorting coke was nothing you wanted to see. You grew nervous, not knowing what he’d be like on this high, so you kept watching the situation before sitting down next to one of his handsome friends, ending up with another rolled Dollar in your hand. 

Seconds later, your nose burnt, but the feeling went away soon enough to be replaced by a sudden high. You felt like the queen of the clouds, not being able to sit still. “What are we even doing here? Let’s go celebrate our lives!” Dragging a happy looking Jimin with you, everyone went to a house party in the neighborhood where one line followed another, you didn’t want to stop, didn’t want to feel small again. 

“Jimin, I fucking love you. I’m so happy we came here.” You were dancing like a 70-year-old couple, holding each other tight, his head laying on top of yours. “Mh, love you too, angel. Want to feel ya, c’mon upstairs”, he mumbles into your ear while grabbing your hand and leading you into the first empty bedroom, closing the door. Of course you ended up fucking. You were on top of Jimin, riding him because he had no strength left to pound into you like usual, both of you coming to your highs before Jimin fell asleep underneath his angel. 

Suddenly, the walls started to move towards you, the room getting tinier. “Minie, can you see that? Minie? Jimin!” You panicked, probably the drugs, probably your paranoia, but Hoseok was soon next to your naked body. “Calm down, Pumpkin. Breathe. Jimin is just sleeping, let him be, don’t miss the party! C’mon!” He gave you another mouth full of pills which you swallowed without even asking. You then put the blanket over Jimin before getting dressed, suddenly feeling pumped again. Hobi was right, the party has just started, why not enjoy it then? 

So you left Jimin sleeping in this room, went downstairs and have been dancing ever since. You can’t even remember, with whom you danced, don’t even know their names. At first, you kept standing in the doorframe, watching the crowd but after what seemed like an eternity, some red-haired girl with lots of cute freckles came up to you, grabbing your hand and laid it onto her naked breasts. She was naked like most of them, her bright green eyes watching you carefully. You couldn’t stop staring at her beautiful body, her face and those bright pink lips. Neither of you used words, the only thing that the unknown girl did, was intertwining your hands and leading you into the group of people. 

Another girl went straight towards you, this time pale with brown locks, but still as beautiful as the other one. She kinda reminded you of how your religion teacher always described Eve. It felt like it was your destiny to go down on those girls, enjoying and praising the female body like the garden of Eden. The only problem you had, was which of those girls to kiss first, Eve or the fairy-like goddess? As if it took you too long, they took the situation in their hands and started to undress you first, while some other person took advantage of your lips. All you felt was stubble and rough hands, but you didn’t want to know more about this person. Getting lost in a wild tongue fight, saliva soon dribbling down your chin, your kiss came soon to an end. As you opened your eyes, the guy was nowhere to be seen. On the other hand, you didn’t know what he looked like, so you didn’t know whom to search. 

Your eyes scanned the crowded room, people getting off together, you're somewhat jealous about the open minded atmosphere. Your hands slowly trailed their way down your now naked stomach, two fingers lightly pressing down onto your clit, making you squirm and you can't help but let out a strangled moan. This situation was more than just a turn on, your pussy wet and drenched in Jimin's cum from before. 

Eve and the fairy pulled you out of your thoughts when you felt their lips roaming your naked body, which lead you into closing your eyes again, fully sinking into this moment. 

Plump lips sucking on your clit, tongues exploring your folds and fingertips brushing over your sensitive nipples send you to heaven. You grab Eve’s hair to hold her close to your drenched pussy, bucking your hips onto her needy tongue. The ginger girl came back with a bag full of pretty pictures printed on paper, putting one on her tongue before kissing you. You can felt it stick onto your tongue before ending the kiss and swallowing what was left in your mouth before smirking at her. 

Your kinky side set free, you quickly decided to push the fairy-like girl also on her knees and presses her face into your cunt as well. They played with each other’s tits, which caused you to come undone pretty quickly, releasing all over those pretty faces. Then, the two gorgeous women decided to lay down on the couch, eating each other out, fingering and playing with their wetness, before being overwhelmed by another orgasm. You felt like you took part in some kind of perverted porn while watching those girls lick of your wetness from each other’s faces. People around them clapped, whistled and soon you were the one on your knees, sucking different cocks and being cummed on. 

The point was, you couldn’t say you disliked it. You loved the feeling of being loved by so many people, loved being the one to give all the love you had in your body to all those people who made you feel those pretty things.

It was your first orgy - and Jimin wasn't even there to take part in it.

You didn’t really know what time it was when you woke up, neither did you know where you were. You just realized your naked body, shivering – surrounded by other naked ones. 

But what had woken you up was a loud scream. Someone was screaming Jimin's name. That’s when the memories hit you. Naked people, sweaty bodies. Pill after pill, line after line. Dicks in your mouth, pussies under your tongue. The women you thought were meant to be with you. Jimin’s name got louder in your ears, which lead you to stand up groggily. Looking around, you had to search your pile of clothes, but you couldn't find anything other than some extra-large shirt and your dirty panties. Cringing, you slid them on once you heard Hoseok also calling out for you. 

“Y/N, hurry the fuck up.” God, why was it your fault everyone was screaming Jimin's name? You didn’t do anything to him besides letting him sleep. Okay, maybe you kind of cheated on him, but he already said, there’s no real relationship between addicts. You just wished everyone would finally shut up, a big migraine starting to pound in your head.  

Hoseok wasn’t alone in Jimin's room, there were at least 7 other guys standing around him, but nobody dared to make a sound. “Fuck, I think he’s dead. We need to clean up and hurry to get out of here before the police come. Grab your stuff, Pumpkin. Why are you still standing here? Hurry!” Hoseok grabbed you by your arm, but you stepped back, looking at him with fear, your entire body shaking. Everyone around you started to run out, dressing themselves and pack their belongings, but you couldn’t move. 

What did Jimin do to you? Why did you ever leave school? It was his fault that you were in this situation and he couldn’t help you out of it because he chose to be knocked out. You kept looking at him for several minutes, Hobi was already downstairs again, when you decided to finally move. Jimin's porcelain skin was even paler, dark circles burnt into the skin under his eyes, but you could see an unsteady breath in his chest. You didn’t know what to do, neither what to feel, but right now, you didn’t feel a single amount of affection towards your so-called boyfriend. Everyone was gone by now, you were alone with a dying Jimin in front of you. Well, you – of course – could call an ambulance, but you would both get arrested as soon as Jimin woke up. You could also wait another few minutes, but Jimin could be dead by then. 

What did he really mean to you? Would you ever take the risk to go to jail just to save his life? 

Who had you become, that you had to choose whether to save a life or not? 

The past minutes you've been awake must be the longest you had been without any drugs for weeks. By now, you wouldn’t even need to take anything to change your mood, you simply didn’t feel anything. You were numb. It felt like everything was gone like Jimin never came into your life. You kept staring at him, it must have been several minutes by now, but you made your final decision. 

As you walked downstairs, you took a glance into every room, frowning and about to vomit the hell out of your body. It was literally yesterday when you thought this was your dream house filled with your best friends, now it was just a disgusting place with somebody dying upstairs that once meant the world to you. You quickly grabbed your phone, automatically scrolling to your mother’s name, but before you could press the green button, you heard someone whimper from above. 

Jimin was awake. 

All your previous thoughts were gone as soon as you heard his voice. You began to run like you've never run before, taking two steps at a time, but you didn’t go into the room just yet. You stood in front of the door, not quite sure what to do now. You could’ve been gone by now without him knowing, could’ve started a new life. 

But you decided to stay, to be there for him. 

Ready to fall for Jimin again, like you always did. Sighing, you walk straight into the smelly room. 

“Minie, you awake?” 

“Mh, yeah. I guess. Fuck, where’s everyone? My head kills me, I need some painkillers. Wait, did I fall asleep last night? During the party?” You nod your aching head slowly, still not really looking at him. “Yes. Happens, if you drink or smoke too much shit, Jimin. Well, I thought you were mostly clean, but I learned different last night. Wow, you’re so fucking cool, Minie. Why do you always have to lie to me? Why do I always have to find out things by myself? Jimin, fuck, answer me!” You run your fingers through your knotted hair, trying to detangle some of it. Jimin, on the other hand, seems to be in his coma-like state again, leaving you angrier than ever. 

“You know what? Fuck you, Jimin. Do whatever you want to do, but I’m going now. It was a mistake to be friends with you”, you let out a bitter laugh, “to even think I was in love with you. You’re dragging me down deeper and deeper every single day. Fuck, I even took part in an orgy last night! I’m heading back to school, maybe even to my parents. I’ll see you after the holidays if you’re not dead by then.” 

You thought your break out would open his eyes, let him realize how important this was to you, but he just looked at you, not answering. Shaking your head, you didn’t even say goodbye, just left the room, the house and lastly the city. Left Jimin. Left anything you had so far. 

Part 04 x I’M FINE

15 days and 6 hours have passed since you’ve last talked or seen each other. 

He didn’t call you, you didn’t write him. It’s almost like he never existed in your life. The bed next to yours was empty, your room just smells like your own cologne and you’ve had enough time to catch all missed school work. You even began running, standing up early and meditated every night. Your life went back to normal, boring and without any action in it. 

It was the 18th day, first day of school, when some guy with mint green hair that you’ve never seen before sits down next to you. In Jimin’s seat. “So,  I’ve heard there was something going on between Park and you? Anyways, I thought now that he was gone, you and me,” he points to the space between you, “could do something similar. I mean, you don’t have any friends since he’s been gone, nobody wants to be alone, right?” Well, I do, I’m fine on my own, was all you thought. You had died a thousand times without Jimin, but that’s over. You were over. 

“First of all, I don’t even know your name. And second, the thing between us was different, you wouldn’t understand. So, if you don’t mind”, you look back into your textbook, trying to keep up with whatever the teacher tries to explain. 

“Alright, well, I’m Yoongi, just in case you were wondering. Besides that, I have the same courses you do, you’d know if you paid attention,” he grins, showing off his perfectly white teeth. “And believe me, I know what it was like between you. High, swallowing pills and drunk off fake love. But you seem to be completely clean again, princess. So, why shouldn’t I grab the chance of going out with you? Believe me, Y/N. Try to get to know me.” 

His brown eyes almost beg you to agree, leaving you weak to the bones until you sigh in defeat. “Fine. What do you want to do and when?” 

To be honest, all you wanted to do is head back into the comfiness of your bed, crying over your restless mind and be left alone. But on the other hand, your mind is restless because of Jimin, maybe Yoongi could be a perfect opportunity to forget about him. “How about Saturday? We could go swimming or head to a nightclub? What do you think?” You nod, writing down your number and say your goodbye as the lesson ends before heading back into your room, letting your tired body fall backward onto the mattress. 

“Ouch”, you stand up again, wondering what hit your back, but scream in fear as somebody wraps their arms around your waist. You turn around quickly, eyes widening at what she saw there. Jimin was back. And he looked fucking miserable. 

His cheekbones were more prominent than ever, skin so pale like the wall behind him. His body stuck in too large clothes because he got so skinny. He was slim when you were together, but now he looked like a corpse. His eyes were kind of milky, they didn’t seem to see anything. But the smile he gave you was as bright as always. 

“Jimin? I mean… How? Why? What are you doing here?” You stutter, not quite sure whether to be happy or not. He opened his mouth, trying to speak, but his breath smelled so rotten that you had to back up. “Hey, angel. I’m back.” He tried to kiss you, but you couldn’t. You wouldn’t fall for him again. 

“Sorry, fuck, I can’t.” You run out of your room, away from Jimin, away from your feelings. 

You knew he was too weak to follow you, too high to care, so you stopped running rather quickly, not knowing where to go. Minutes later, you were standing in front of Yoongi’s door, after asking too many people how to get there and what his room number was. 

Apparently, everyone knew Yoongi, though. So why didn’t you?

You were about to raise your hand to knock on the door when said man suddenly stood behind you. “Missed me already?” He smirked, watching you with curiosity written on his lips. 

“What can I say? I was bored and thought why not hang out right now?” For the first time, you took your time to really check him out. His hair was longer than Jimin’s, a mop of mint green waves on top of his head. He wasn’t a giant, but he had broad shoulders and some cheeky freckles on top of his nose. His smile was polite, loving and his eyes sparkled in this deep brown that causes your heart to miss a beat. 

“Sure, you wanna go out to the river? I can show you the prettiest waterfall ever. I’m going there every day to get away from the people here.” Yoongi already started walking, so you ran a few steps to be next to him, letting him lead you to this unknown place. You didn’t care where you were going, as long as Jimin wasn’t there. 

You were surprised by the beauty of this place, not knowing that anything like that was hidden here. The rushing of the waterfall was so calming, the green of the grass and those colorful flowers made you smile. 

“Wow, since when do you know it and why haven’t I seen this place before? It’s so…”, you begin searching for the right words, but shrug, not knowing what to say. 

“Overwhelming?”, he tried to help you out. You just nodded, a smile still plastered on your bare face. “I’m running every day, always the same route through the fields. I’ve I had known about this… Wow”, you turn around, breathing in the fresh air. 

“That’s how I found it. I didn’t want to run this basic route, so I ran over the fields, always turning directions until I found this. I’m glad you like it”, he places one hand on your shoulders, squeezing it gently.

“Can we walk through it? I want to know what’s behind the waterfall.” Yoongi nods, now smiling as well. 

“There’s a cave behind it, I always go in there to read. C’mon.” He holds his hand out, waiting for you to grab it, and pulls you through the water directly into the waterfall. Seconds later, you were completely soaked, but standing in a beautiful cave, surrounded by nothing but the smell of salt and water. Your eyes search for Yoongi’s, hugging him tightly while mumbling a quiet “Thank you”. His eyes wander down to your lips and you know he is about to kiss you, but to your surprise you don’t mind at all, tilting your head upwards.

Yoongi tasted exactly like you always imagined a kiss to taste. It wasn’t like in those teenage love novels, he didn’t taste like strawberries and vanilla - luckily. He tasted like the ocean, like salt and a hint of fresh air. He tasted like summer – and a tiny bit like mint. You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him as close as possible, forgetting about Jimin and all those memories you shared. 

You just know that Yoongi is a better man. 

You open your mouth, creating space for your tongues to dance against each other while your lower bodies meet, the electricity of that touch causing both of you to let out tiny moans. It was weird to kiss without being high, to actually feel something, but again, you didn’t feel like you need them with Yoongi.

You press your eyes even more shut, not trying to have Jimin’s face in your thoughts, but you failed. His smile, his eyes, and even his smell was now everything you could think of. Gasping, you jump back, looking at Yoongi in shock. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just…”, you look down to your feet, guilt washing over your drenched self. You were truly sorry. Sitting down on one of the wet rocks, you pop your head down into your palms, watching Yoongi carefully, cringing over your own behavior.

“You don’t have to be, Y/N. Is It because of Park I mean, you broke up only a few weeks ago and…”, you didn’t even let him finish, you had to splurt out what was on your mind. 

“Jimin is back. He was laying in my bed, but he didn’t look like Minie anymore. He was so skinny, not a tiny bit of muscles on his body. He looks like he’s rotting alive, he literally smells. Then he was about to kiss me, but I didn’t want to, so I just ran away. Straight into your arms. Wow, I’m such a mess”, you sighed while running your shaky hands through your hair, “I mean, what is he thinking of me now? I’m sure he’ll kill me with a heroin needle once I’m sleeping.” You tried to make a joke but neither of you wanted to laugh right now.  Jumping up, you started to walk around, being splashed by a few water drops here and there. “I need to see what he’s doing. Maybe he’s about to kill himself!” You were about to go through the waterfall, but Yoongi holds you back, rubbing your arms to calm your breathing. 

“Hey, Y/N, calm down. He won’t do anything. If he’d truly feel that bad, he wouldn’t be back at college, right? But tell me, why did you even break up?” Yoongi’s warm eyes watch you carefully while you sit down again, ready to tell him your entire story. 

Once you were back in your room, clothes still wet from the waterfall, you found Jimin still laying on your bed. This time, he had your drawing in his hands. “You’ve got talent, angel.“ 

You stayed quiet. Jimin kept looking at you, raising a brow once he saw your wet outfit. “Where have you been? Showering with your clothes on?” He checked the time. “For about 4 hours? I waited for you, angel. I’ve got some new stuff to try.” He waves another bag around, filled with lots and lots of tiny silver packages.

By now, you’ve watched enough movies, you knew what was inside of them. Ripping the bag out of his hands, you watched the contents carefully. “What did you turn into, Jimin? You've gotten worse in these last months”, shaking your head in disappointment, you grab some fresh clothes before heading off to take a shower. Just as you reach out to open the door, a loud knock on it makes you jump. Yoongi walks in without waiting for you to even answer. 

“Hey, Y/N. I thought you’d want to take a shower as well, I mean, there’s seaweed on your clothes”, his wide grin makes you smile before disdainfully looking over to Jimin. “Park, you’re back”, Yoongi simply says. Jimin just cheers his joint in Yoongi’s direction, then watching you carefully. “You’re hanging out with him? Well, we’ll see what you’re getting from that, angel”, he makes it sound like a threat, but you decided to stay strong, you had to stay strong. Shrugging your shoulders, you head out with Yoongi once again. 

You showered next to each other, you in your favorite bathing suit, Yoongi in some surf shorts. He had quite a few tattoos around his chest and arms, but nothing similar to Jimin’s. “What do they mean?” you point to the artwork on his chest. It was an ox skull, a snake winding through its empty eyes surrounded by different nature symbols. You felt almost naked next to his inked skin, but he just told you that not each and every tattoo has to have a meaning. “I’m getting one tomorrow”, you blurt out before quickly stepping out of the meanwhile cold shower. 

Jimin just stayed in your room, watching you leave, but not caring to stand up - you'd come back anyways. You always did. 

He was thinking about anything that has happened to him in the past three weeks. 

Part 05 x THE TRUTH UNTOLD

Jimin woke up with a bright migraine and dry mouth, looking around for his favorite girl. 

Calling her name, he tried to get up but failed. 

Damn.

 His angel stands in front of the door, her hair was messy and she had dark bags under her eyes. She was alone. “Jimin, you awake?” her voice was calm, but he knew she was nervous. “Mh, yeah. Fuck, my head is about to explode. Where’s everyone? Wait, did I fall asleep during the party? Fuck.” His hands automatically hold his hurting head, trying to reduce the pain. 

“Well, that comes from swallowing all those pills. I thought you were clean and stopped doing hard drugs? Why are you lying to me? Jimin, answer me!” 

Why did she know all of this? What happened after he fell asleep? He tried to catch her reaction, but Jimin already knew she was pissed as fuck. 

“You know what, Jimin? I’m leaving, do whatever you want. It was a mistake meeting you. You’re destroying me. I took part in an orgy last night! I’m heading back, see you after the  holidays, if you don’t die by then!” 

With that, he just watched her go. He let her go. Let her leave his broken life. He kept lying in this bed, not caring about the loneliness. He was just about to drift away, still too many drugs in his blood system to let him actually feel anything. 

He stayed in this house the next few days, surrounded by all those people that made him the person he was. His routine kept the same: waking up, taking a trip, sitting on the couch, drink coffee, taking a trip, smoking a joint, Ritalin, Speed, sex, robbing people on the street, then sleep. 

He even tried crack once, meaning he couldn’t say he disliked something he hadn’t tried. 

“Park, where’s your princess? The night I spent with her was so fucking good, damn, you’re so lucky”, Liv lolls around the couch, swiping some blood off of her nose. “What do you mean?”, Jimin scans her emaciated body that looked similar to his. 

There wasn’t time to eat, they had to spend their money on other things, medicaments got more expensive the longer you had to take them. 

“She licked my pussy so good, but I think I don’t have to tell you about her tongue skills”, her mascara-smudged eyes winked in Jimin’s direction, while she pops herself onto Hoseok’s lap. “Hoe”, he hadn’t had any other thing to say, but calling her a hoe wasn’t even an insult. She sells her body for Heroin on a daily basis. Groaning, he stands up and motions her to follow him. “C’mon.” She laughed, but still following him into the bedroom, letting him fuck her with all the angriness left in his body. 

He tries not to watch while Liv was heating up a spoon with a lighter. A toxic smell was tingling in Jimin’s nose which causes him to give in and stare at her movements. He watches over her shoulder as she ties a scarf around her arm and prepares her shot. Then, she finally injected the needle into the back of her hand, pulls some of her blood in it before shooting the entire load into her fragile body. 

Her pupils turn into pins in a matter of seconds, a silent smile was placed on her chapped lips while she leaned back against his chest. Jimin’s head was on top of hers while realizing how jealous he was about her high. 

“Share.” 

Liv couldn’t hold her laughter back. “You sure, Pabo? You don’t want that. Sure, it’s nice. It makes you feel so free and on top of the world, but not for too long. Besides that, you know Heroin will kill you”, she rolls her eyes, “I don’t even have any left. Keep on taking your trips, some coke or crack, but nothing more. You have a life left, Jimin. Take it.” She glances at the floor, trying to hold back the tears. “You’re not as broken as we are. Don’t you remember your fucking best friend, Jimin? What has happened to Namjoon? I can’t understand how you’re still on this stuff after reliving his death over and over again. Joonie wouldn’t want that, y’know? But as soon as your angel left you, you’re all over it again. Hello? You’re snorting coke like your life depends on it. Your nose bleeds worse than mine. And look at you”, she points to his exposed body, “No single muscle left on you. I could count your rips.” 

But Jimin didn’t listen at all, he just stares at the aluminum foil and the white residue on it. “Head back to college, head back to your lessons and head fucking back to Y/N!” 

Y/N. Angel. Princess. 

“Y/N can suck my ass, Liv. And don’t think you know anything about her, just because you’ve had one night together.” By now, he couldn’t even understand why he wanted to fuck Liv so bad. Without waiting for her reaction, he grabbed the foil, pushing her off him and snorts the last bit of Heroin crumbs that were on it. It suddenly felt like little electroshocks went through his body. Excitement, joy, happiness. Then darkness. He blacked out and once he woke up, Liv was nowhere to be seen. 

He was still naked, laying on the dirty mattress covered in bleach spots. The house was empty, his mind still not clear and his stomach rumbling. He quickly puts his shorts back on before running to the bathroom, vomiting until nothing but sour water came out of his mouth. Jimin sits down in front of the toilet, waiting to regain some energy to stand up, pack his bags, and to head back to the university. 

Once he arrived, he felt so misplaced not wearing his uniform. His eyes wander around, looking for Y/N, but she was nowhere to be seen. 

Instead, he saw Yoongi, some guy he once hooked up with. Yoongi’s eyes lit up once he saw Jimin, but he hurried back inside. Jimin followed him, but when he found him again, he couldn’t believe what he saw. Yoongi and Y/N, talking and smiling at each other. 

The blood in his veins froze to ice while he quickly grabbed some pills to pop into his mouth before looking back at his ex-girl- and boyfriend. Yoongi turns his head, watching Jimin with a smirk, before placing his hand on Y/N’s lower back, guiding her somewhere Jimin couldn’t see them anymore. Groaning, he heads back into their room, being overwhelmed by his angel’s smell, falling directly onto her bed into a deep slumber. 

PART 06 x LOVE IS NOT OVER

“Tell me, do you know Jimin? It seemed like you looked pretty intimate, but he’s never talked about you. He could never know you from here, because he spent all his time with me.” 

You move your feet around in the water so that they create tiny waves, while you watch Yoongi carefully. The little lake in front of the waterfall was actually big enough to take a swim in there, but the bright sun in combination with the beautiful green meadow was too tempting to not lay down and sunbathe for a while. “I don’t really know Jimin. I thought I would’ve known him”, he stops talking, swallows hardly while you wait for him to continue.  

“We’re both from the same rural area, I kind of grew up with him but we would never consider each other friends. I don’t know how to describe it; do you remember when your mum made you be friends with someone because she was friends with their mother? That’s what our relationship was like as kids. We spent time together while our mothers ate cake, but we’ve never had the same interests. But when we were somewhere in between 13 and 15, we told our parents we would have a sleepover, but of course we went to our first official house party. Little Yoongi’s first contact with alcohol – you can’t imagine how bad I felt the next day”, he smiled a little, which made you smile as well, but his didn’t last. 

“We were deadass drunk, but because none of the people there were actually 21, all we had was cheap beer and wine mixed with juice, let me tell you, that shit’s disgusting! Because we were so drunk, we couldn’t sleep at home, so we slept at this dude’s house. We couldn’t even close our eyes for a second without thinking we had to vomit all over the place, so we talked about serious stuff – as serious as two drunk kids could talk – and somehow, we came upon the sex-topic. Both of us haven’t had any experience, never had an actual kiss but we also didn’t want to go out unprepared. This evening ended with us practicing our kissing skills on each other, we kind of made out, had our first non-self-made orgasms.” 

“We kept on doing that the entire next year until we had real sex. I was in love, for sure, but he had this weird group of friends, I guess you know them by now. Those junkies that Jimin seems to be a part of again. Back in the days he just smoked weed, but our ‘relationship’ got distant, he did anything to get more and more to smoke, one day I just wasn’t important enough for him. I was in his way because I wanted him to stop, but he broke my heart.�� Yoongi’s voice got shaky, his breathing unsteady. He stayed quiet for a few minutes to collect himself while you laid your head against his shoulder, showing him that you were there. “I couldn’t stand being around him anymore, so I came here to study and I thought I’d never see him again. Then I saw him arrive a few months ago, you can’t imagine how I felt, Y/N. I thought he’d make a move on me again or he followed me to this place, but he only had eyes for you”, his voice broke, he sounded sad and dismissive. You were shocked about his sudden mood swings, but he smiled at you. “I can’t blame him, you’re beautiful, Peach. Too perfect for Jimin to ever be enough for him”, his hand caressed your cheek, while your eyes met. Soon enough, your lips met, tongues dancing against each other and minds finally not thinking about Jimin. You fall back into the soft grass and don’t even realize how soon the sun is going under and the moon is shining bright in the night sky. 

Once you headed back into your room, exhausted and pretty tired, you were glad to see that Jimin was gone. His bed was messy, his duffel bag on top of it. Hesitantly, you stepped in front of it, trying to peek inside without touching it. Some of his shirts were hanging out of it, underwear and socks were just stuffed into the side pockets, this bag was a mess – Jimin wouldn’t even realize if you peeked inside of it. And if he did, what would he do about it? Determined, you kneeled down in front of it, slowly making your way through the bag to find any hints. Your hands met some bags of weed and some pills, but no Heroin or Coke, nothing. 

“May I help you, angel?" Jimin’s raspy voice caused you to jump so badly that you hit your toe on the bed. "Never thought you’d be like those girls, but now you’re even searching through my bag.” Whelping, you turned around and tried to look as innocent as possible. “Mine, I… Oh, whatever”, you were tired of explaining, tired of being worried and you were fucking angry. The rage was back and you were about to spew out everything you hated about him, but you decided to stay still, sit down in front of your desk, and try to ignore him. 

“Sure”, he sat down on his bed and looked at you. His eyes were tiny and red, he was high again. The sight of him made you almost tear up, so you quickly turned your head to look away. 

How could someone destroy himself without even realizing? 

“How’s things with Yoongi?” His voice sounded resigned and casual, why was he like this? He didn’t even notice how hurt you actually were. “Couldn’t be better, I’m happy”, you mumbled while grabbing a pencil and starting to draw. 

“I’m glad he’s at least a good fuck, couldn’t leave my girl unsatisfied, y’know. Oh and I almost forgot: he’s clean. Must be totally your type, clean nerdy guy, huh? Didn’t you tell me you hated all of those people when we first met? Now you’re one of them, angel.” Your finger cramped around the pencil, pressing it onto the paper, causing wild lines to appear on it, similar to your thoughts. 

“I remember it like it was yesterday when I fucked him. When he lost his virginity to me. Back in the days, I thought he was totally into girls”, he laughed his beautiful laugh, almost tempting you to give in, wouldn’t his words hurt you so much, “until I had my dick deep down his ass and he realized how nice of a fuck I am.” 

“Jimin, why-“ 

“Did you fuck already? Do you know what kind of sick games he likes to play in bed? Well, I would’ve never thought that of him, luckily we had enough trust into each other to try out anything. I hope same goes out to you, you tend to really easily trust people, I mean you even took part in an orgy, I mean… Wow. You shouldn’t have difficulties with him then”, he examines your appraising. 

You quickly grab your headphones, trying to get lost in your favorite Spotify-Playlist. A few moments passed in silence, just you and your music, while your drawing was about to be completed. 

You jumped out of your chair as your felt Jimin’s lips on your neck, his hands trembling your chest. An involuntarily growl left your throat, while your stomach began to tingle. “Fuck, Park”, you turned around to him, grabbing his by his throat and pressing him against the nearest wall. “What’s your fucking problem?” 

“Not having you, that it my problem. Losing you to Yoongi is killing me.” 

You snort, interrupting him. “Your fucking Heroin-addiction is what really kills you, you fucking bastard!” 

“And letting you leave, that’s my biggest problem. I will forever regret letting you go because I know I’ll never find someone that loves me like you did. Nobody that…” 

You interrupted him. This time to press your lips against his. Losing your grip on his throat to grab a fistful of hair, tugging him closer. Your other hand roams his bony chest underneath his shirt, making him breathe in sharply. 

“Fuck”, his words gave you goosebumps, but a clapping noise behind you causes you to step apart. Yoongi was standing right behind you. 

“Yoongi, I…” 

“It’s alright, Y/N. I know how good Jimin’s acting skills are, they got even better since I last met him.” Then your somehow-boyfriend’s fist bash against the-guy-you-still-kinda-love’s jaw – which left you kind of overwhelmed with the entire situation. 

You did what your instincts told you, you hadn’t had enough time to think through it, so you tried to catch Yoongi’s next fist – which of course hit you directly in the stomach. Coughing, your legs gave in and you sunk into the ground. “Fuck, Yoongi…”, your chest heavily rising, you glanced up at the dudes. Both pairs of eyes were watching you in fear, both prettier than the other. Even Jimin’s matte, stump eyes would never lose their beauty. The only difference between them was their expressions. 

Your current boyfriend seemed to be shocked, somehow even angry. 

The guy you still have feelings for watched you in admiration, full of respect and awe – something you haven’t seen in a long time. 

“What the fuck, Y/N? You’re defending him? This son of a bitch broke you, remember? You can be glad to be out of the thing you two had!” 

“Don’t listen to him, angel. You know we’re meant for each other. You love me as much as I love you, I can really stop doing drugs, I would do it for you. Cold Turkey, from now on.” 

“Oh, really? I feel like I’ve heard that before. And where are you now, hm? Eyes like pins, veins filled with poison. Do you really want Y/N to live that life? You’re destroying her just like you’re destroying yourself. If you really love her, you’ll leave her.” 

You were still laying on the ground, listening to every spoken word. Trying to process what was happening, watching each of their faces in fear. You waited for Jimin to answer, tears starting to form in your eyes. “Why don’t we leave the decision to our angel? It is her choice whom to love, if she really wants to love a fucked up junkie, you can’t change that. C’mere, angel.” Jimin pats his thigh, smiling at you lovingly, making your heart melt. 

“Y/N, you know what’s best for you. A world with a future in it, maybe smoking weed here and there, but not being addicted to all the toxic stuff”, now Yoongi’s hand was ready for you to grab – and you had to make a decision. You shook her head at both of them, grabbing your jacket instead and heading out of the room without choosing one of the guys – you had to think and you had to be alone for it. 

Once you came back, the room was empty as always. Sighing, you fell onto the bed, trying to find a comfy position and listen to the howling wind while drifting into a dreamless sleep. 

“Oh, fuck, angel, keep on going”, a raspy voice next to you opens your eyes but you soon realize it was Jimin, laying on his bed, eyes closed and lips parted. His chest was heavily rising while there was a prominent bulge visible in his shorts. “You look so fucking hot, kneeling in front of my cock, c’mon, take it”, his hand wanders down to his erection while you couldn’t help but watch. Was he really having a wet dream about you? It was pointless to ignore that you were soaking wet by now. Your last time having an actual orgasm was back when you were still together. It was just normal for you to be horny as fuck. 

As soon as Jimin’s hand was wrapped around his cock, you lightly caressed your folds, collecting all your juices and rubbing them over your clit. A quiet moan escaped your lips which made your press your free hand over your mouth. You were still watching him, copying his movements, panting louder than before. 

“Fuck, repeat that, angel. Fuck, yes.” Gasping, Jimin cums all over his own hand and his abs, while you couldn’t hold it back anymore and coming undone as well. You were still watching him, trying to catch your breath, but he was still asleep, even smiling a bit now. But you knew your night was over, so you stood up and decided to have a shower to really wake up and maybe get a free mind out of it. 

Even days later, you still couldn’t decide between Jimin and Yoongi, you even tried to avoid both of them. You saw Yoongi during your classes but didn’t respond to his longing glances. Jimin’s and your room kept quiet until midnight when Jimin decided to come home to sleep. Both were trying to catch your attention with loving gestures, you got flowers from Yoongi and each morning a lovely joint from Jimin. 

You knew you couldn’t avoid your decision much longer – neither to hurt your lovers nor hurt yourself. It strained your nerves to stand between two fronts. Sure, you liked Yoongi, he was nice and thoughtful, always listened to your problems and distracted you from Jimin, but he was kind of boring. Jimin on the other hand was the spirit that burnt your insides. You loved him and you knew that, but he was a dangerous person. But what was it you were looking for? Harmony and a daily routine or rather the charm of danger? Something that kept you alive but didn’t excite you or something that gave your life sense, but could end it decades earlier? 

You saw Jimin and Yoongi wherever you went, everyone in the smoker’s corner looked like Minie, your gym class was full of boys like Yoongi, wearing tight shirts that show off their biceps. But none of them were really like those two. And you were still lonely like you were before. But this time, you didn’t enjoy it at all. 

Days came and went by. Days where you wanted to be held, wanted affection but didn’t want to cheat on either of them. When you wanted to cuddle Yoongi, you would want to kiss Jimin. When you wanted to kiss Yoongi, you would want to make out with Jimin. When you wanted to make out with Yoongi, you wanted Jimin to fuck you. 

You compared your possibilities with them, a future would be easier with Yoongi, you could finish college and move in with him, marry him and have his children. You wouldn’t have this opportunity with Jimin, you didn’t even know if he’d be still alive after college. You wouldn’t be able to afford a house if he keeps taking drugs. 

Of course, you thought about making Jimin take part in a drug withdrawal. Cold Turkey. No medicine, just pure pain. He could do that for you. For your future. He promised you. He loved you. Yoongi wouldn’t take any risk for you, his life was perfect. He didn’t need anything to hold on to survive. Jimin did, in fact, need you. You were his anchor, his lifesaver. He needed you. And so you decided against Yoongi, for Jimin, for your future, for your love. 

Yoongi, 

I can’t talk to you face to face, that’s why I’m writing this letter for which you’re maybe going to hate me. But I’m promising you, I won’t let you suffer. I know, you might be right. I might regret my decision, but I had to make it. I think we both knew it from the beginning. All three of us knew. I’m sorry. It’s breaking my heart to tell you that I chose Minie. Can I even call it a decision if both ways break my heart? 

Yoongi, I’ve never had so much fun before, you made the last weeks such a pleasure for me. I think you brought up feelings I’ve never felt. Maybe even love. But nevertheless, Jimin needs me. I know you’ll find someone else quickly, you’re such an amazing person. Your future girl won’t destroy you like I would’ve, you’ll have the perfect future together which I may not even have. You’ll be happy, Yoongi. 

Don’t cry after me, don’t be sad, you’ve earned someone better. Don’t think I didn’t love you, somewhere deep

inside me is a spot just for you. But it’s too small to change anything. 

Do something with your life. For me. For yourself.   

You didn’t even give Yoongi the letter yourself. You were way too scared of him changing your mind. But after you knew he received it, he never talked to you again. You waited on top of her bed, drawing and listening to music until the door opened. You got quite anxious while Jimin walked into the room and let himself fall into his own bed, not giving you any attention. 

“Hey.” 

You didn’t know what else to say, but he didn’t mind to answer anyways. 

“How are you? Don’t you wanna come back to our classes?” Damn, what kind of bullshit were you actually talking about? “Okay, mom.” Stubborn and dismissive like always. “Call me mom once again and I won’t be able to hold myself back, baby”, you tried to loosen up the mood, but he didn’t even laugh. 

“Okay, sorry”, then he stood up and walked out of the room, leaving you alone and you were already close to giving him up again. 

One night, Jimin came back quite early and didn’t seem to be as high as he used to be. Without hesitating, you tried to take her chance, slipping under his blanket and hugged his body. “I chose you, you know that, right?“ He didn’t look at you, but didn’t remove your arms either. “Jimin, I told Yoongi that I love you. I want to be there for you, want to be your anchor.” Jimin just snorts. 

“Can you just shut up, Y/L/N? I’m so tired of your crying. I know you chose me, but you did because you felt guilty. Do you understand that I don’t need your help? God, just go to Yoongi and live the life you want, I don’t even have a future, I’m letting myself live for another year then I’m gonna die anyway.” You were about to say something, but he just shakes his head,

“Just let it be, angel. I’m fine, really.” 

Their door opened and you automatically skid, turning your head to the new arrival in the door frame. You thought it was Yoongi but you couldn’t remember that face at all. 

“Y/N, that’s Taehyung, but everyone calls him Tae. Hey, Babe”, he stands up and walks over to Tae, kissing him in front of you. 

You were either going to cry or to vomit, but smiled for them. “I’m glad you found someone and completed our relationship. Good luck you two”, you clap Jimin’s shoulder before heading out, leaving the campus and walking straight into some corner of the city you came to every single day a few weeks ago. You bought some of the pills you used to take and swallow a few of them on your way home. 

Your eyes were already closing as you come back into your room, so you just let yourself fall under your blankets without even taking your pants off. You didn’t care about them. But what you actually did care about were those noises coming from Jimin’s bed. You turn your head once again, just to see Jimin and Taehyung. Tae on top of him, his tattooed arms next to Jimin’s head, a thin layer of sweat on both of their foreheads. “Fuck, Jimin”, Taehyung moans. Jimin didn’t respond, his mouth hung open and his eyes were closed. They didn’t even realize they weren’t alone anymore. You, on the other hand, decided not to disturb them, swallowing two more pills before dozing off into a deep sleep. 

PART 07 x SO FAR AWAY

“Fuck, babe, keep on going”, muscular arms were wrapped around your waist while you move your hips in a steady rhythm. Deep growls and moans leave the mouth underneath yours, sweat dripping from your forehead on his chest while his nails were dragging lines across your body. 

Soon enough you collapsed on top of him while gasping for air. You laid your head on his muscular chest, long fingers were brushing through your hair. Moments later, you were under the shower to wash off the typical sex smell, just to head back to class, to sit next to Jimin, to ignore him and to keep on flirting with his affairs best friend. You really gave up on Jimin, were living your own life and share your bed with Jeongguk. He was currently winking in your direction while biting his lip to hide a smile. Laughing, you shake your head and flip him off, making Jimin groan in annoyance. 

“Jealous?”, you smile. “Dream on, I’ve got the hotter friend.” 

Even though you weren’t really a couple, Jeongguk and you spent most of your free time together. You couldn’t help it, once he opened his mouth you were lost in his accent. Jeongguk and Taehyung were from Busan, their moms sent them to this college because they had a similar past to Jimin's. Even if you weren't spending time with him, you were ongoing high. 

Jeongguk had the best connections to get the best drugs in here, Dope, Weed and even Shore. You were easily happy with trips and weed, but Jimin didn’t seem to mind Tae's stash of opiates. He changed, resembling a corpse more and more each day. Pale, skinny and no expression left in his eyes. You were slowly starting to regret breaking up with Yoongi for him because the only feeling you had left for Jimin was hate. 

Back in your room you saw Jimin and Taehyung with a rolled banknote in their hands and blood dripping noses. You just snort while sitting down at your desk to study, trying to get done with everything as fast as possible to get out of this hell, to move away from the person that destroyed you. Away from Park Jimin.

“C’mon, don’t act that dumb! It’s just maths, how can you not understand anything from that? I even understand that stoned!” Taehyung shakes his head while fanning the math book in front of your face. Jeongguk sits next to him and rolls his eyes. “Not everyone can be a math pro like you, brother. Be patient with my girl or I’m telling your mom that you’re on H again”, Jeongguk smiles at his friend whose face got directly softer.

 “Sorry, Kookie. Okay, again. What haven’t you understood so far, Y/N? Do you know how to get to the scalar product?” You nod while thinking about this awkward situation. Tae was trying to help you with your math problem, while his best friend was sitting next to you, sometimes stealing a kiss from you. Jeongguk made you ask Taehyung to tutor you, just to spend more time with him and to get to know him better. Even though you'd prefer Jeongguk teaching you, Taehyung wasn’t too bad. If he wouldn’t be with Jimin, you could maybe even like him.

“Good luck, Y/N. It’s gonna be the last exam, after that we’re getting wasted!” 

4 ½ hours later you were sitting at the lakeside, beer in your hands and smiles on your faces. “Fuck, we made it”, Jeongguk laughs while taking a deep sip. “Not yet, babe. Exams, yes. Results, no. But for now, that’s it, you’re right”, he kissed your cheek while emptying his bottle. “Thank you too, Tae. I thought I had to hate you ‘cause of Jimin, but you really helped me. If I didn’t have Jeongguk, I’d maybe hook up with you”, you laughed while checking him out. 

Taehyung smirks. “Don’t worry about Jimin, he doesn’t give a fuck about relationships. We’re just fucking, but I wouldn’t want to love him.” 

You raise your eyebrow, almost feeling like you had to defend Jimin. But right at that moment, he was weaving in your direction and letting himself fall next to Taehyung who rolls his eyes and smirks at you before pressing his lips onto Jimin's. 

“I can’t wait to finally be away from you! For fuck’s sake. I won’t need to share my fucking room with you disgusting bitch!” Wildly gesticulating, Jimin screams the wildest names at you. The reason for your argument was obvious: drugs. 

Jimin doesn’t smoke weed or swallows trip after trip anymore, but he’s snorting Coke like there’s no tomorrow – more and more gravitating to take Meth and Heroin. 

You came fresh out of the shower, a towel wrapped around your body, hair dripping onto the floor, when you saw Jimin sitting on his bed – with a Crack-pipe in his left hand, a lighter in his right. The window was opened as if he would want the toxic gases to leave the room. Unnecessary, of course. 

The entire room smelt like Jimin, his attacks of sweating and the drugs he took. Even the curtains smellled like weed. 

“Crack, are you fucking serious? You dumb idiot, you know how addicting that is?” In moments like that, you get all moral and sit down next to him. “Minie, please. Even if you hate me that much – you still mean the world to me. I love you and I can’t keep on watching you destroy yourself.” 

Jimin, on the other hand, gets angry all the time about this topic. “I mean something to you? I overheard you and Tae, that you would hook up with him if you haven’t had Jeon. The fuck? Just shut up, Y/N.”  

“I was drunk, that’s it. He tutored me – I would’ve never said something like that if I was sober. I mean, I’ve got Jeongguk – the hotter one. Besides that; why are you with Tae? Because you love him? Because you want to build a future with him? Boy, you’re into his drugs, that’s it. You won’t have a future, half a year from now at the latest you’ll be dead. The drug-cocktail you’re enjoying too much will eat you alive. Don’t you smell yourself? Don’t you look at yourself? How much weight have you lost since we broke up? 20 pounds? 40? You’re nothing but a skeleton that smells rotten. Your hair is matted, your cheeks hollowed. Can I be honest, Jimin? I’m glad it’s over. I’m glad we don’t talk anymore and that I didn’t fall down the rabbit hole. And I truly hope that we’re never going to see each other after that”, by now, you were in full rage mode, throwing the pipe out of his hand and screaming a “And I won’t come to your fucking funeral!” at him before grabbing your headphones to watch some Netflix in bed. You open another window to not breathe in his drug-fumes. 

About half an episode of The Vampire Diaries later, someone ripped the headphones out of your ears and she was thrown onto her back, Jimin laying on top of you, his eyes almost glowing from anger. “Do you really think you can talk to me like that? You were nothing to me besides a lapdog to have fun with. And even if I look that destroyed, that rotten, you still think I’m attractive. You would take every chance to fuck me again, just to bring back the ‘good old times’. Angel, you chose Jeon just because I found someone else”, his knee finds its way between your legs while you moan in protest, making Jimin smirk. “You’re missing the danger in your life, Jeon is a nobody, he can’t give you adrenaline, he can’t give you action or passion.” 

His stubbly chin strokes your neck, your hands automatically balling into fists, but you don't fight him. Don't tell him to stop. His rough hands find their way under your shirt, caressing your ribs and giving you goosebumps. Soon enough, the shirt was laying on the floor, followed by your leggings. Jimin's lips follow the softness of your stomach while you were still laying underneath him, turned on but scared at the same time. 

“Jimin, that’s doing nothing to me. I’m not turned on, I despise you”, you move and try to get away from him, but he was still stronger than you. 

One of his large hands finds your wrists and pins them above your head. The other one was stroking your cheeks, your neck, and your breasts, down to your thong before pulling it down. He grins, seeing your wetness trickling down in between your thighs, your smell making him go wild. Once he sticks out his tongue to teasingly lick soft stripes up your aching core, your self-control was gone. You grab his hair to shove him towards your cunt, drowning him in your juices and making him drink up whatever leaves your body. Jimin didn’t seem to care, his free hand was tight around his cock, rubbing and stroking himself while bringing you closer to an end.  Once you came, you pushed him off and put your clothes back on, not caring about him or his orgasm at all before leaving the room without looking back. 

You didn’t even care about what had happened, but you didn’t tell Jeongguk either. For being his lapdog, Jimin got turned on really quick once he had his tongue on your pussy. Stupid idiot. But the only thing you thought about was revenge – and you already knew how to get it. 

Jimin hasn’t been in your room the next couple days and you've had enough time to go through his belongings, lay down on his bed and smoke his weed – that he ‘didn’t smoke anymore’. There were about five bags filled with beautiful flowers in his nightstand and you didn’t hesitate to grind and smoke them in Jimin's pipe. It has to be the stuff that Jai had brought him. It didn’t take lots of drags to feel the calming sensation and the puffiness of your eyes. You laughed while letting yourself fall back on his bed and to cuddle his pillow, still smelling like Jimin. 

You began to think about everything, about your feelings for Jimin, for Jeongguk and you even thought about Yoongi a couple of times. Then you thought about why you hated Jimin so much. 

You had admired him for so long, you would’ve died for him if he had asked. 

But now? 

Anger, Fear, and Anxiety. The fear of him replacing you with drugs. Or the fear of him dying without any chance of saying goodbye. The fear of being alone even though you were the one to break up with him. But he didn’t seem to care, he was alright, maybe even better than when he was with you. But you know that neither of you could ever feel complete without the other one. 

You gave up so much for Jimin, but he never cared. Your grades got worse, you broke up with Yoongi and you were consistently lying to your parents about everything. 

But what did you get from it? 

You were still alone, Jimin was fucking Taehyung and you were worrying about his death every single day because you were still in love with him. And even if you couldn’t convince him to go to therapy, you’d want to spend his last time together with him. 

God damn, you know he loves you as well. Tears were running down your cheeks, droplets falling onto his pillow and you realize the down of the high has arrived. Desperate for more, you were searching through his drawer for something more, something that could lift you up again. Maybe to find something that would lift you up on the same level with Jimin. Then you’d be reunited again. It would be only you. Not even Taehyung could keep up with them.

You peer over to his pipe, still laying on the nightstand and the Ice that was still in his drawer. Somehow, you knew it was the only opportunity to get to him. 

Your hands were shaking as you opened the small bag and placing some of the clear crystals onto the pipe that you didn’t even bother to clean. Weed and Ice have to work together. You take a small drag before exhaling frantically, the fear somewhat still in your mind. 

“Don’t be a wimp”, you scold yourself before placing the pipe back between your lips and holding the flame of the lighter against the Ice. It felt like the fumes got right into your bloodstream and your head felt like a rollercoaster. You smirked, followed by a loud laughter before repeating the process once more. You feel the adrenalin and hope for Jimin to come back sooner, to get high with you, to love you, to admire you. 

You know that your relationship just got onto a whole new level and there wouldn’t be anything that could separate you from now on. 

Your love was devastating, you would die for each other. You were almost angry that Jimin wouldn’t want to share that amazing experience with you, so you inhale once more, trying to get the double amount of fun. Mischievously grinning, you put everything back onto its original place before opening the window and watching the birds outside. God damn, life was good. 

PART 08 x MAKE IT RIGHT

Jimin felt like he was captured in this room. 

He couldn’t live with his angel without feeling like someone ripped his heart apart. 

You think he wouldn’t be able to think straight; that his brain was destroyed by all the drugs he took. But Jimin knows better. Since he took all the drugs, he had a clear mind, no demons in his head that were trying to interrupt his thoughts. He didn’t believe you talking about him being the love of your life – he knows everyone hates him. 

You were clean, you did it. 

You broke free. And now you see him like every clean person sees junkies. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what he looked like. The thing is, he wasn’t hungry anymore and he didn’t want to waste time just to eat. He showered every single day, maybe even twice, but he was sweating pure venom, pure drug-smell coming straight from his pores. He smelt just like the other junkies. 

You thought Crystal would be the dead-end, but Jimin was way deep down the hole. He took Heroin, not smoking it but shooting it straight into his veins. IV. Death in a needle. 

There are plenty of human beings that consume Heroin their entire life without you being able to recognize that, Jimin thought he was one of them. He shot H for about 2 years now, he had days where he didn’t need any – when he was with his angel -, but most of the time, he shot once or twice a day. 

Of course, he lied to you. Sure, he could go for a Cold Turkey just to be with you, but to be honest: Who would quit Heroin as long as there’s good stuff out there and there’s enough money to buy it? 

He would never. 

Not even for you. 

Not for billions on his bank account. 

He didn’t want to fight you. He wants to keep on loving you, but he couldn’t fight for you. Maybe you could accept him that way, accept his drug use and his lies. 

One night, Jimin came home late again, he decided to apologize, trying to get you all soft for him again. But when he came through the door, his “Listen, princess” kept sticking in his throat. The smell of weed lingers in the air, mixed with something else. His angel was laying on his bed, smiling like an idiot, watching youTube-videos until you looked up at him. “Minie, babe!” You jump off the bed, but Jimin pushes you back. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? Please tell me you’re kidding me. First of all, you stole from me. Second, you’re taking my drugs. Third, WHY are you even doing that? I thought you were clean. Did you lie to me the entire time?” – Just like he lied to her, nice try, Jimin. 

“Why are you so angry, Minie? C’mon here and I’ll let you fuck me really good – I can even play with your ass like Tae did if you’re into that. I won’t judge you, you know that.” 

Jimin wanted to rip his hair out, but that wouldn’t change anything. His precious angel smoked Ice and wouldn’t quit doing that so soon. 

“Listen, angel, babe. Why did you take this away from me? You wanted me to stop taking drugs, but you’re lying here totally high? That’s not what we wanted, precious.” He holds your beautiful face in his large shaky hands, looking you straight into the eyes. But your eyes weren’t the same anymore, the color was dull, no shine in it and hooded.

 Jimin couldn’t find the girl he loved in there. 

"I came to say sorry. I’m not good for you, angel. It’s best for me to leave college and leave you behind me as well. Like you said, I maybe have a few months left before dying. Don’t waste your feelings on me.” 

He kisses your cheek ever so softly before standing up. “I’m sleeping somewhere else, getting my stuff tomorrow and then your life will be Junkie-free. I’m so fucking sorry, angel, believe me. It’s better for both of us to finally end this toxic relationship. You deserve a normal life without me. It probably will never be like it was before, but you can change yours. Please, promise me one thing: stop taking drugs, angel. You’ll find your dream guy, having a family and anything I couldn’t offer you. Fuck, I can’t apologize enough. I love you, okay? Even if I made you go through all of this, believe me. Nothing was harder than letting you go, even if it’s the hundredth time by now. This time I’m keeping my promise. Goodbye, angel.” 

He quickly runs out of the door without turning around, he knows you were crying. He knows you would be screaming after him, but you wouldn’t run after him. You were paralyzed and will realize what really happened by tomorrow. You will hate him, but that’s for the best. Hate. Disappointment. Anger. But Jimin knew he wasn’t as egoistic as you'd be thinking. You were his life, he’d kill for you. But he’d do the same for Heroin. 

Everything. 

Even selling his body. 

And now that he had no home left, he knew what would come next. Streetlife. Begging. Prostitution. 

PART 09 X YOUNG FOREVER

His words were stuck in your head while you watched him leave your shared – now only your – room. Nothing had changed, he still didn’t want you. But you can’t run after him, so you lay back instead and close your eyes without losing a single tear. Your thoughts were still obscure and your body paralyzed, you can’t even feel you loss but fall into a deep slumber. 

“Y/N, wake up! Where is he? What did you do to him?”, you wake up and open your eyes hectically just to see Taehyung in front of you. His hands were on your shoulders and he shook you the entire time. “Fuck, Tae, who are you talking about?”, you get rid of his grip to stretch your body while yawning. Why did he even have to wake you that early on a Saturday? “Hm, who could be away? Jimin, of course! You dumbass, he wasn’t at our usual spot, there was just this fucking note!” He throws some pretty rough looking yellow paper at you. 

“I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. I’m leaving ‘cause it’s the best for Y/N. Take care of her. Please. I’ll see you when you’re dead – hopefully, later than me. J"

Stunned, you kept reading and reading Jimin's messy handwriting until the words were burnt into your eyes. “He’s gone?” Tears form in your eyes while your hands start to shake. “Tae, tell me he’s not gone!” Your voice gets louder, the paper falls down. 

“Tae, goddamn it, say something!“ But Taehyung remains quiet, balling his hands to fists while clenching his jawline. “It’s your fault you fucking slut. What did you do to him once again? Can’t you just stay out of his life? Who knows what he’s doing to himself now?!“ The veins on his neck are popping out as he began to yell, but his words didn’t hurt you. Your thoughts were filled with Jimin. He left you just like you left him a couple of times. It hurts. 

“What could he do to himself, he’s swallowing more pills, smokes more weed and Crack, what else?” You acted ice-cold, trying not to cry anymore. 

“Sure, I forgot we were talking about Jimin, the guy that never takes drugs that’s why his life is so perfect. Y/N, what are you even talking about? Jimin stopped taking pills months ago, he’s shooting Heroin for around 2 years now. Are you listening? Heroin. The stuff that killed thousands of people, you idiot. If he doesn’t want to live anymore, he might just shoot some more H than usual. The golden shot.” You listen to Taehyung, but you break out in a loud burst of laughter as soon as he stops talking. 

“Sure, Heroin. I know him, I know how much he hates it! He promised me he’ll never take it.” 

Taehyung snorts while sitting next to you, head in his hands. “Y/N, I know lots of addicts, there ain’t love or promises as soon as you’re down there. The only love they feel is for H. The thing that kills them. But you’re only in second place. Sorry, but if we don’t look after him as fast as possible, he’ll be gone. You were his only anchor that saved him from drowning. But you made him leave and he’ll never come back on his own.” 

Taehyung was right, Jimin was gone. And you? You were shocked, angry and… sad. Because even though he promised you he loved you, it was fake. He spent your entire relationship on one of the hardest drugs, were you that dumb to not realize anything? 

“Hey, we’ll find him, okay? Let me grab my stuff and we’ll head out to look for him”, Taehyung wraps one arm around you and you and pulls you against his chest. Soon enough both of you were breaking out into sobs - and you kept crying the entire time Taehyung went into his room to put on his jacket and some shoes.

You cried while looking through Jimin's belongings, he left anything in your room; weed, pills and those fine crystals. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from them, fully concentrated on the Ice that was lying in front of you. Soon enough, not even 3 minutes later, you were high again, not shedding a single tear, not even knowing why you've been sad in the first place. Until Taehyung came into your room, shaking his head in disappointment and dragging you along their journey to find Jimin. 

The city was almost empty, nobody was walking around, and the clouds hung low in the sky, ready to let a storm out. “I don’t know where else to look for him, Tae. I’m getting tired”, Your mood was on its lowest while you kicked empty bottles of beer around. 

Taehyung shrugs. “Last step: the train station. But when he’s really there, we won’t have a chance to get him back.” 

You didn’t know why a normal station could be that bad, you just follow him through the thick gates of the main station. You hide your nose under your shirt as soon as the smell of piss, trash and vomit hits your senses. You made your way through the floors without talking, the amount of trash and empty cans highly rising. 

“Tae, I don’t think he’s gonna be..”, but Taehyung interrupts you with a quick hand movement. 

There, between all of those homeless people was Jimin. 

His head resting against the wall, eyes half-closed. 

“C’mon”, Taehyung holds her arm while walking straight up to them. “Jimin, move your ass and stand up.” 

“What are you doing here?” 

“Fuck off!” 

“Fucking rich kids...” 

The crosstalk begins, but Jimin remains quiet. He looks at you, but he doesn’t make a move to stand up. His eyes were sad, but his countenance stays emotionless. 

“I told you, go away. Leave me alone”, he ignores Taehyung but looks at you. 

“Minie, please..”, your voice breaks. 

“Aww, Jimin, did you find yourself a girlfriend? Cute. What do you take, honey? Ready for a tin?” Some guy with a black Mohican holds up a coke can. 

“Jin, no.” 

Jimin tries to take the can away from him, but his strength was all gone. “I’m…” 

“We don’t need anything, thanks.” Once again, it was Taehyung who talked for both of you. “They’re clean, you don’t need to waste your stuff on them”, Jimin's voice was weak. 

“Cute. Didn’t know you were friends with that kind of people. C’mon, hun”, Jin holds the can in your direction and you take it, confusion displayed on your face. Not knowing what to do, you look at the tiny hole in it. Watching the smoke coming through that hole, Jin pressures you. 

“C’mon”, he holds his lighter under the can to heat up whatever was inside of it. You look over to Jimin while trying to keep your tears hidden before taking a hit. Taehyung pulls you against himself, Jimin jumps up, but it’s too late. Your body was exploding as if a firework was lit inside you. Each and every nerve was reacting to this substance before you collapse into Taehyung’s arms. Jimin screams in anger. “Y/N!” Then he falls onto his knees. “You’re so stupid, I told you hundreds of times, now you’re into it too.” 

You didn’t know what he was talking about until you woke up hours later, the burning need in your veins permanent. You must’ve fallen asleep, now laying here, your head in Jimin’s lap. You didn’t know the place you were at, it couldn’t be the train station, but everyone from there was here as well. Now all of those train station kids were sitting here - well, and you -  it looks like it was some kind of old factory, and once again the coke can was going around. You sit up, pressing a soft kiss to Jimin's lips before grabbing the can once again. Some girl with ripped leggings just laughs. 

“Look at her. When you want some of your stuff, you need to pay for it, alright? We just share for money.“ 

Jimin's calming hands on your back were gone and he pulls you up with him. “Listen to me, angel. I hope you know what you did? I can’t insult you or blame you for anything because it’s all my fault, but run as long as you can. Heroin is no fun. Look at those Junk Boys and -girls. We’re all fucked – you’re not. You may want to take it but you don’t need to yet. Please, angel”, he looks at you, pleading and ready to do whatever it takes him to stop you, but you just shake your head, throwing a 20 Dollar-Bill on the floor and take the hit that lets you experience your second real high. 

Then, you kiss Jimin once again. 

“We’re in this together, babe. I love you. And even if you die, then we’ll both die. But let’s enjoy the time before that“, with that, the entire group explodes in applause and laughter, but you didn’t even realize that because you were already fast asleep in Jimin's arms. 

PART 10 X BADBYE

“Is there really no money left? Damn it, I need a shot. Now. Jimin!” 

You kick Jimin, but he was still high, just got done with his shot while you were waiting for yours. Usually, he was the one that gave you the shot because you couldn’t do it on your own. 

“FUCK!” 

You take the remaining Heroin off the foil, snorting whatever was left on there to get at least a tiny high. Unluckily, it wasn’t enough. It was like always. Jimin got the money, Jimin got most of the Heroin. You were dependent on him, have to wait until he allows you to take some of his drugs. “

If you don’t wake up I have to go get my own stuff.” But your threat didn’t do anything. Jimin was still blacked out on the floor. You were annoyed as you put on some clothes, and left the place you were currently living in. You walk down the streets without any destination. 

You didn’t know where Jimin was buying the stuff, neither did you know how he paid for it. Yoongi, Taehyung, Jeongguk – neither of them wanted to stay in contact as soon as they knew what was going on. Everyone was okay with smoking weed, but nobody was fine with shooting H. 

You play around with the contacts on your phone before calling one number, the number you thought you’d never call again. It rings three times before a loving voice answered. 

“Y/N, my precious child! You didn’t talk to us for so long, how are you? Dad and I were so worried! College called and told us you were gone? What are you doing? Where are you? Who’s with you?” 

You shrug, laughing it off. “Hi, mom.“ 

That evening, you're coming home with empty pockets, but with two online-train tickets back home to visit your family. “Baby, we’re going home! My mom wants us to live with them, they have enough money and we don’t need to look for another flat! I can show you around my hometown!“ 

You were on fire, packing all your belongings while Jimin slowly wakes up. “Did you think about that, angel? Your mother will realize how fucked up we are. What are you going to tell her? Everyone knows what a Junkie looks like. It won’t work.” 

“I don’t care if you’re coming with me or not. I’m going. I don’t need to worry about money for Heroin while you’re out there doing whatever. I need as much as you do, it’s not enough for me to snort whatever’s left since I started shooting as well!�� 

“I’m not doing whatever, I’m fucking prostituting myself! I can’t go away from my customers, okay?” He looks down at the floor, not daring to look at you. Did he really just say that he sells his body? That he’s fucking someone else just to earn money? 

“You’re a hooker? Are you serious? You’re cheating on me to earn money? Wow, Jimin. That’s how much I mean to you? You’re letting some strangers fuck your ass? That’s why you don’t want to fuck me anymore? I guess you’re having enough orgasms throughout the day, huh? Well, you know what? Fuck you, Park.” Once again, your heart shattered in thousands of pieces while you run away once more, leaving him alone once more. Crying once more. 

It must’ve been ages since you saw Jimin the last time. You weren't counting in days but in shots. 

Your mother didn’t seem to notice anything about your addiction, she just thinks you're going through a rough break up. Of course, you were thinking about him, every fucking day. But it was never a positive thought. 

You always thought about your life without him. Your fist swings against the wall once again, you tend to do that a lot. Some bloodstains were already on it, but you didn’t care. You got nervous again, pulling your drawer open just to realize that there’s nothing in it. Just a last tiny piece of foil, nothing more. 

“Mom, you there?” You scream and leave your room without even looking into the mirror. She wasn’t there, like always. Her bag was with her and her wallet as well. They hadn’t had any money left in their house – why would they? Your mom paid anything with her credit card. You ramble through the rooms, searching for anything you could sell, but there was literally nothing. 

Without any money in your pockets you walk through the train station, searching for any ‘friend’ that owes you Heroin. None of them had some and you got on turkey rather quickly. You were shaking, crying and sweating. 

Soon enough, you realized there was one last thing left. The thing that broke your relationship. The thing that was the most disgusting thing to do. The thing you thought you’d never do. 

You had never thought about selling your body just to destroy it. 

You had never thought about letting someone else besides Jimin fucking you just for money. 

You had never thought that you wouldn’t find it as bad as you probably should. 

It was a fast way to make money. And you needed it fast. 

It was the twelfth day in a row that you were standing here to earn some extra coins. You almost felt like a celebrity on the streets, you could decide who to fuck and who to leave. There are many people here, some around your age, some older and some stone old guys. It’s not like you needed to go on the streets every day, you had enough money by now that you could easily go out there every third day, but it was fun and games for you. You were in a flow, didn’t want to stop, just seeing the dollar signs in each customer. 

The amount of Heroin in your room was enormous, you couldn’t even shoot that much without falling into a coma-state but you collected it for bad times. But this day you were really glad you decided to come here, you wouldn’t know about him otherways. He was here. And he was suffering. 

You were just finishing up with your third customer that day when you saw him. His shaking body leaning against a wall, trying to look cool, but you knew how he really felt. He was suffering. You knew, if you'd ever see him like that, all your feelings would be there again. And here you were, trying to help him one again. 

He didn’t even look at you, but you knew he had to feel you coming. 

Once you were right in front of him, you were about to vomit just from his smell. But you couldn’t help it and hugged him. “Minie”, you mumbled against his skinny chest. Neither of you was moving. 

“Go away, Y/N.” But you couldn’t. 

“C’mon, Minie. I’ve got some.”  

You drag him with you, preparing your needle and cooking up some H for the both of you. “I don’t need your help, Y/N.” 

“I can see that.” 

You grab his arm and shoot the H directly into his veins, not allowing him to do it himself with those shaky hands. You took him home with you, explaining to your mother how sick he was and that he couldn’t go back into his own flat because he’s got a fever and needed someone to take care of him. 

“You’re such an angel, Y/N!” was all she said. 

It was the day, you used to call Day X. The day that changed everything. Your mother knew about your addiction by now, wanting to send you to therapy but you were over 18 – she couldn’t decide for you. Mother and daughter were heavily arguing in the living room while Jimin was in the middle of preparing his shot. You couldn’t stop thinking about the white powder, you were about to get on Turkey and easy to provoke by now. 

“Fuck off, mom.” You ran into your room, locking the door behind you and walking over to Jimin. 

“Hurry, Minie. Can’t wait anymore.” 

Of course, Jimin wasn’t able to help you once he shot the poison through his veins. “Fucking bastard” was all you mumbled before preparing everything yourself, before falling asleep in his lap. 

You didn’t know that you were going to be the only one waking up. 

Jimin shot way too much, you should’ve known. Sometimes you used to shoot so much that you were near to your limit, but survived it every time. It was the best feeling someone could reach, and you thought that was what Jimin needed back then. 

But he got colder and colder every minute. He didn’t wake up, not even through you shaking his body. 

That was the moment you realized his weird behavior. His lovely side the last few days, he was always cuddling and prepping you with kisses. He even bought you a ring.

You began to scream your soul out. You kissed his body and his cold lips. Tears were streaming down your face while you searched everything you needed and laid it down in front of you. The needle in one hand, Jimin's hand in the other. You laid down on his chest, cuddling into his pale body, trying to ignore the cold feeling. It was a routine by now, preparing everything for your last shot ever. 

You pull up the liquid into your needle, kissing Jimin one last time. It was the moment for your shot; the one that will bring you back to Jimin, into a peaceful world. 

As soon as the venom reached your veins and insides, you couldn’t help but smile while you intertwined your fingers and close your eyes forever in this painful life.

[joylessnightsky]

As a dyslexic person…

You know, often times people hurt us without intending to. Us just meaning humans in general. We’re a stupid species, and we make mistakes. That’s okay. And everyone’s feelings are different, I know. Still, sometimes I have to really wonder how people don’t realize how what they are saying is hurtful.

And this post is half a vent and half a cautionary thing. If you ever talk to a dyslexic person, please be mindful of these things. Whether or not they’ll actually be hurt by some of these is not for me to tell you but for them, but you should still be mindful of it. Conversation and stuff, works with people of all kinds, you know?

If you have dyslexia yourself, please feel free to add on with your own experiences. And please read the post yourself, too. Because, as I already said, sometimes we hurt each other without wanting to, because different things hurt different people.

Now, let’s get to it:

1) A lot of the time people will say something like “That’s great for someone with dyslexia!” And I know they mean to compliment me. I know they mean to say that it is an accomplishment. And it probably is. But by saying that, you’re actually devaluating my accomplishment. It’s basically the same problem as if someone said “You’re so nice for a man.” or “That’s such an impressive career for a woman.” There’s a serious difference between giving a compliment and giving a compliment in relation to something about you.

I worked for the reading speed I have. I worked for the capability to write with so little misspellings that I could pass as just another student. I worked for being able to read a text I haven’t read before. I worked for being able to read out loud to the class without making an utter fool out of me. I worked, for years, about an hour a day, in therapy and at home, until my head hurt form the effort, despite the frustration, despite the insults, despite questioning if anything would ever actually help. So the last thing I need is for you to tell me that my efforts and my work make me “good for a dyslexic person”. Tell me I did good. I’d love to hear that. Tell me my work can be seen. But don’t remind me that my efforts will only ever be seen in the context of my diagnosis. At one point, I managed to become one of the top students in my literary class when it came to spelling in exams. And I still only got praised with that phrase. It’s honestly gotten to the point where the compliment makes me feel bad about myself. It’s not a compliment anymore! Just… Don’t. Don’t.

2) One time I was talking with my teacher about how the others would call me pretentious and say I only relied on my diagnosis and the “advantages” I supposedly got (they meant the stuff that was supposed to make my disadvantages less bad, I think). And she said that I shouldn’t take it to heart, that they didn’t know what they talked about and “whoever says someone like you shouldn’t be here is stupid.” A little context, we have a system with different forms of schools, the one I choose to attend is the form with basically all advanced classes.

Now, in on itself, this was a really great thing to say. The reason it’s still stuck with me years later in a negative sense is because no one had, in fact, questioned my position at said school. I had never even heard anyone say that dyslexic people being at this form of school was weird or anything. Never. The first time the idea that I had to prove myself capable of belonging there had been placed in my head at that very moment. She didn’t meant to do that, I know she didn’t. And that makes it all the worse, because she was trying to make things better and she was so kind about it. I can’t even be angry at her for planting that thought in my head! And the way she so casually said that, as if it was a known fact that people would think I didn’t belong there, as if it was only natural for people to say something like that to me - even if she said they’d be stupid and wrong to do so - really hurt. A lot.

So all I’m asking is, please check what was said to someone. Don’t assume what they might have heard others say about them. If you’re wrong, knowing that people could possibly think that on top of everything else can feel… icky.

3) I’ve meet a lot of ignorant people in my life. We all have, haven’t we? And one of those people was my teacher for one horrible year. I pity everyone who ever has to live through her classes at this point. Why do people who can’t respect others have a mind of their own become educators again?

Anyways, I’ve posted about this before, but she was sure that she knew better than me what dyslexia meant, as well as that dyslexia had to be the same as reading and writing disorder and I had my facts wrong. Surprising no one she never really cared much that I couldn’t do the things my classmates could do. And one day she had the nerve to tell me that “class is over and you should have been able to write that down in time if you’d actually worked. So, if you really need these notes, just ask someone for them. I’m sure even you can manage that, right?” and take the notes down from the board. She didn’t have to do that, and she had put those notes there in the last minute. I’d told her they were too small for me to read and that I couldn’t tell the letters apart like that. She hadn’t cared. Yeah… That was one of the few times a teacher made me cry in the bathroom.

So, even though I can’t believe I have to say that, don’t assume you know what someone can or can’t do, and listen to them when they talk about their experience. If they say they can’t do something, they can’t. And no matter how much you think to know about a disability, when someone lives with it, they know what it’s like in a way that you could never know.

4) I’ve also had a math teacher, and he was great! One of those teachers that just make sense and that actually really care about their students and them understanding things rather than learning them like vocab cards. He was the only math teacher who I’ve ever felt comfortable with enough to confess that measurements can be tricky on some days. Does it say “cm”, “dm”, “km” or even just “m” there? Is it “L”, “cL” or “dL”? “g” or “kg”? He was really nice about it and we made a deal: In every class test I got the measurement would not change within one task. Helped a lot. And yet…

Students talk. They noticed. Because what my teacher had done, you see is adjust just my class test. I didn’t need to switch between measurements, the others did. and I see why that wasn’t considered fair. It really isn’t, because that doesn’t have much to do with reading or writing. Yet the issue at the bottom was still there. What I’m saying is that if you change a task so that a dyslexic person can work with it, don’t change it just for them. Especially not if the task itself changes then. Dear teachers, if you’re reading this, do it for everyone or not at all. Yes it helps if you do that, but no it isn’t fair if it’s just for one person. And I honestly still feel like I cheated after hearing what my classmates said.

5) Sometimes people will tell me that it’s impressive that I work against the dyslexia, you know, did the therapy and everything (even though many people just can’t afford it and would do it if they could). In that context a little sentence often fell that I just hate from the bottom of my heart: “If only everyone would do as much. It’s great that you don’t just rely on your diagnosis to take care of everything.”

First of all, I was lucky. I was lucky my health insurance covered not only one but two therapies. It didn’t for my brothers, my parents had to pay for that themselves. And that is not cheap! Not everyone can afford to do therapy. Not everyone has the chance to do therapy. That the therapy worked as well as it did was, again, luck. That my dyslexia was on the lighter side to begin with was also luck. That I knew I was at risk and got tested early on, so that I was diagnosed at an age where a real difference could be made through developmental psychology was also luck. Don’t ever make the mistake to think that one person who got lucky can be used as the bar.

Secondly, everyone’s dyslexia is different. You can’t compare mine to other people’s struggles. Again, my form of dyslexia isn’t that bad. Both my brothers have it worse. Sure, it might not be the easiest to deal with and it’s not the bare minimum for the diagnosis, but others have it worse than I do. And they have different symptoms. I can’t even deal with most of mine, they are just easy to conceal until I have a better day. We’re not all the same, so don’t compare us in a way that makes it look like we are.

Third, a lot was my own research. No one told me that there is a fond that was developed for dyslexic people to read easier (”OpenDyslexic”, if you are interested. It’s free to download). No one told me about all the side effects, no one told me “hey, this might actually be because of your dyslexia, too”. No one told me having subtitles on in a language I already spoke would help remembering the spelling of words. No one told me how to articulate things. I didn’t get an awful lot of help along the way, you know? Keep in mind, I come from an environment in which I got more help than on average. And you saying that is basically pushing the responsibility onto us. You made a world in which we have little to no access to help, and you’re shaming us for not finding any.

Last but everything but least, you make it sound like the treatment and the way we handle this is what makes the dyslexia valid. If you’re really thinking so, you’re wrong. Like, really wrong. I chose to work my ass off to teach my brain how to keep up. I managed to find information on it. I was lucky to get the possibility to do so, because of the way you are handling this. None of that makes my diagnosis valid. It doesn’t, because it already is. My struggles, my feelings about it, my experiences, my symptoms are what makes this valid. The diagnosis, dyslexia? That just gave it a name. 

6) “That might be hard for you to do. Are you sure you can handle this?” I’m glad that you are concerned on my behalf. But as someone who also has a lot of anxiety and has lived with this shit in my mind for my entire life, I can guarantee you that I do, in fact know my limits. I have lost many opportunities in my life because I wasn’t sure I could handle it, or because I couldn’t tell beforehand if I would have a “good day” or a “bad day”.

I’m aware of the risk. I decided to take the risk, or am in the process of decided whether or not to take that risk. You aren’t helping. If you are concerned, offer to help me should I struggle. If you can’t help me, offer support. If you can neither help nor support me, I don’t know you well enough for you to be meddling with my choices so you should just leave me alone.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for taking your time to read this. I hope this’ll help. And if you do make a dyslexic person uncomfortable or hurt them with something you say or do, please remember that that will happen, no matter what someone’s dealing with. Even my brothers will hurt me sometimes and I will hurt them sometimes, even though we are all dyslexic and have known each other for literally all our lives, because we all experience this differently. And that’s okay. You can’t always know what will hurt someone and it’s not you job to read their mind and figure it out on your own either. Important is that you recognize you’ve made a mistake and that you make a conscious effort to avoid said mistake in the future. And remember: Sometimes it’s not what you’re trying to say but rather how you’re saying it that hurts. Formulations can make a huge difference.

[cryoculus]

Lunaris [3/11]

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Chapter Title: First Quarter Pairing: Yokai!Akaashi Keiji/Reader Word Count: 2,557

***

A few days passed by in a blur after your fainting spell at training. 

When you came back to school once you've fully recovered, Itsumi practically bawled her eyes out, sputtering apology after apology as if the reason for your absence was because she'd untied your laces. You could only console her awkwardly, explaining that, no, the untied shoelaces weren't the cause of your domino effect of misfortune.

For missed school work, your classmates had been kind enough to share their notes from the previous lessons you'd missed, filling you in on some of the upcoming requirements for the week. You only had two days' worth of backlog, but it was a lot. Thank god you were generally a likeable person.

"Yo, (Surname)!" 

In the middle of rewriting some missed notes, the familiar glee in Bokuto's voice sang in your ears. Your body reacted before your mind could, sending jolts of heat creeping up your face before you could even face him. The ace stood by your desk, and when you looked up, he was grinning like he'd just won the lottery. You weren't even classmates. What was he doing here?

"Bokuto-san," you breathed, hoping he won't comment on your flustered appearance. "Do you need anything? Ah, belated happy birthday, by the way."

Bokuto waved away your concern. "Thanks, but it's nothing. Heard that you blacked out the other day and I didn't even notice." His words were followed by the ace reaching a hand to scratch the back of his head apologetically. "If I'd known, I would've helped out."

You could feel your heart rate doubling at the sight of him apologizing for something that wasn't even remotely his fault. Why? Why was the universe orchestrating this interaction? Were they seriously trying to make you like him more?

"You don't have to feel guilty, you know," you chuckled, putting your pen down to face him directly. "You looking out for me is nice enough of you." 

"Heh, really?" A sheepish smile stretched across his mouth. "Akaashi kind of guilt-tripped me for being so dead-set with going home that day, that I was totally oblivious. And then..."

Akaashi. The mere name was enough to trigger a dull throb in your temples. Your memories of that day were still muddled, but there were a couple of things you recalled with striking clarity: your glowing charm, and Akaashi's apathetic gaze turning blood-red feral in the blink of an eye. 

When Fujimoto explained that you got hexed by a yokai, you didn't ponder about it too much—total recovery being your top priority during the past two days. But now that the topic of the seemingly ordinary second year had come into light once more, your instincts told you that he was, indeed, the cause of your so-called affliction. 

"You alright, (Surname)?" 

Blinking, you realized that you spaced out in the middle of Bokuto's rambling. He's gazing at you, golden eyes wide and head tilted to the side like a curious owl. 

"Um, yeah!" You followed that up with a nervous-sounding laugh. "I'm just swamped with all this school work, and I just don't know how to manage them all." 

"Ohhh," he drawled, nodding in understanding. "Well, I won't eat up any more of your time. See you around!"

Once that force of nature stepped outside of your classroom, you noticed that some of your classmates were casting you curious stares, whispering among themselves. Itsumi, who was grinning at you like a fox, just happened to be one of them.

You sighed, occupying yourself with your notes. Who knew what kind of ideas Bokuto's little chat had planted in your best friend's head? You didn't want to know, nor did you have the time for it. 

*** 

"You really didn't have to lead today's laps when you just got back, you know?" Coach Yamamoto told you off with a hint of a scolding in his words. "If you relapsed, I think the Amatsuki shrine might just have my head offered at the lunar festival." 

You humored him with a soft laugh as you squeezed what's left of the contents of your water bottle in your mouth. Wiping the excess moisture from your lips, you turned to your coach with a reassuring look. "I'll see to it that it doesn't happen, coach."

When he politely excused himself out of the conversation, you headed straight to the gym, where the rest of your teammates have just about finished showering. You looked around for a bit, and it seemed that the volleyball team finished early because it was only their manager and coach left inside along with the track team. You refused to acknowledge that the bite of disappointment that pricks your heart was because Bokuto wasn't around.

"Hey, (Name)! You gonna shower?" Itsumi called out from the bleachers as she towelled her damp hair. 

You shook your head, slinging your gym bag across your shoulder. "I just came in to check on you guys. Could you make sure everyone gets home safely? Oba-san's making me run errands for the festival."

Your best friend nodded. "Sure. I'll tell them to send updates to the group chat so you can see, too."

"Thanks. I owe you one, Sumi. Bye guys!" 

"Bye captain!" was the singsong response of the rest of your teammates who were waiting on the others. You smiled before turning on your heel to make your exit. 

The walk from Fukurodani to downtown Tokyo didn't take very long. You knew each nook and cranny like the back of your hand, and wading through the abundance of evening commuters didn't hassle you as much as any other person. Your grandmother had only told you to meet with her middleman somewhere near Ikebukuro station, and that you would definitely recognize the man when you see him. 

That didn't really offer enough clues about the middleman's identity, but as you neared the station, you were able to spot a middle-aged monk in traditional Shinto robes, carrying with him a gilded crate similar to the ones you've always seen in the shrine's offertory hall. He certainly stood out from everyone else in the vicinity.

"Takahashi-san?" you asked once you got close enough to speak to him.

The monk turned to you questioningly, but his eyes shone with recognition the following second. "Ah, Amatsuki-sama! The elder mentioned I would be meeting with someone who wore a charm." 

You blinked in confusion before glancing at the bell on your wrist. It tinkled with the slight motion, and you realized that he was talking about your bracelet. 

"Oh, I'm not an Amatsuki," you corrected sheepishly. "My grandmother just sent me out to get the...?"

"Omamori amulets?" Takahashi continued, chuckling as he turned the knob on the crate and lifted the cover. Inside, dozens upon dozens of omamori or protection amulets were safely sealed in bubble wrap packaging. Each pouch came in a plethora of colors and patterns on the fabric, and you found yourself gaping slightly at the beautiful designs.

When Takahashi sealed the crate shut once again, he handed it to you like its contents were fragile. You half-expected for it to be quite heavy, but it was lighter than you thought!

"I apologize for mistaking you for Anri-sama," he said, the name catching your attention. "You're her daughter, yes? You do look very much alike." 

The mention of your mother made your heart sink, but Takahashi probably had a long way to go back. Your grandmother did say he was from one of the sacred shrines in the Fuji mountains. He didn't have the time to hear your tragic backstory. 

"Thank you for going all the way here, Takahashi-san. Our shrine is looking forward to giving these to our visitors." You bowed politely. "I'll be on my way, and I hope you make it safely back, as well."

"May the gods favor you," he imparted with a gentle smile. 

***

When the weekend rolled by, you found yourself climbing up the moss-coated pathway that led to the highest point of the hill. You'd just finished eating dinner with your grandmother before excusing yourself to go up to the cemetery to do some contemplating. The worried look that creased her brow once you said the words was an expression you'd prefer for her not to make, but you've been itching to go back up here since meeting up with Takahashi last week.

The rusty, metal gates creaked with age when you nudged it open with your foot. After, no other sound followed. It was just you under the watchful gaze of the half-filled moon, standing before the grave of several of your shrines followers. 

You breathed in the rich scent of the earth before treading forward. 

Most people would be unnerved to be walking alone in a cemetery at night, of all times. You understood why. It was like time simply stopped flowing for both those buried beneath the ground where you stood, and the area itself. The air was stale and the leaves underfoot fell apart much quicker than those scattered in the lower parts of the hill. The grass seemed like it's been a while since it was last watered, leaving the shrivelled up blades decaying at your feet.

But not once did you ever feel a surge of fear whenever you paid your parents a visit. 

"I'm back," you said, kneeling before their graves as you clasped your hands together to offer up a quick prayer. There were no incense sticks to light up, no offerings to be made. Your grandmother said that her daughter hated receiving things she couldn't give back to, and you respected that preference up until now. 

Amatsuki Anri and (Surname) Kazunari died in an accident about sixteen years ago—too long ago for you to remember. You'd been in the same car with them on that fateful night, but you miraculously survived; having been protected by your mother until the very end. Though you had no actual attachment to your parents, you were still grateful to them for bringing you into this world, and for saving you as well. 

Lost in your thoughts, you didn't notice the way a gust of wind rustled the nearby trees; didn't notice the figure emerging from the forest your grandmother warned you to stay away from. Akaashi observed you with rapt attention, blue eyes never missing a motion made. You were speaking to a couple of stones, and though he found the practice quite useless—for lifeless objects did not have the capacity to speak back—he's witnessed hundreds of humans in his lifetime do the same thing. 

When the demon announced his presence, you were quick to identify where he was. Akaashi frowned. For a human, you were awfully perceptive. 

"Y-You..." your voice trembled, and for the first time, dread settled in the pit of your stomach, creeping up your skin in the form of gooseflesh. "You were the one who hexed me!"

Akaashi cocked his head to the side. "Hexed you? Yokai do not have such capabilities. It seemed to me that your body simply reacted to my presence is all. Oh, and so did that little warding charm, I suppose."

Your arm jerked away instinctively when you felt the familiar heat searing your skin. But the sensation wasn't as severe as the last time—the charm's glow having been contained into a small prick of light. With a grimace, you turned to look up at Akaashi, who seemed so normal, so unassuming that you never would have guessed what he actually was.

"Why are you pretending to be a human?" you asked, knowing full well that further interactions with yokai would only lead to your demise. "Is there something you're after?" 

In lieu of an actual response, Akaashi took it upon himself to walk closer to you. However, the closer he got, the hotter and brighter the charm glowed on your wrist. You hissed, attempting to undo the knots of the bracelet until the bell simply stopped glowing. You muttered a confused, "what?" before turning to Akaashi, who was barely a meter in front of you. 

"Were you really about to take off your only line of defense in the face of a yokai?" he chuckled. "Humans really are strange, indeed." 

You inched away from him slowly, but each step you took back, he closed the distance with a step forward—trapping you in between him and your parents' gravestones.

"We've been going to the same school for two years," he began, taking your hand in his. "Didn't you ever wonder why that charm of yours never tried to repel me before?" 

You were too stunned to take your hand out of his grasp, but you took note of how deceivingly smooth his skin was. When you didn't respond to his question, Akaashi heaved a sigh, tracing each of your fingers with a gentleness that yokai shouldn't have.

"I can conceal my demonic presence so warding charms like that do not react to me," he explained. "The only reason it did the last time was because I wanted to alert you of my presence."

"Y-You still haven't answered my question," you told him, praying to the gods that he didn't hear the terror in your voice.

Akaashi sighed, carding his free hand through his messy hair. "Impatient little creatures, aren't you all? But I suppose it's fair. Your time on this earth is awfully limited." He then lifted your hand up to his chest, flattening the palm on the firm surface. For someone who seemed slender, Akaashi's chest was certainly toned underneath his shirt. You could feel yourself flush at the idea of feeling up an athlete like him, but there was something amiss—something that should be there but wasn't.

"You don't have..." The realization dawned on you, turning your gaze frigid. "You don't have a heartbeat."

"That, I do not," he affirmed, loosening his grip on your hand so that it fell to your side. 

You were gaping at Akaashi like he's grown two heads. Though yokai were an entirely different race, they still needed a heart to be able to use their powers. If Akaashi was able to conceal his presence at will and assume the form of a human all without a heart, then he must be someone powerful; someone you never should have involved yourself with.

"Who are you?" you whispered, almost fearing to hear his answer. 

Instead of morphing into his original form to kill you on the spot like you expected him to, Akaashi spared you a lopsided smile. He shoved his hands in his pockets, turning around while waving a hand in farewell. 

"If you want to know, meet me here tomorrow night, where the moon shines brightest." His words were obscured by the sudden breeze that howled in your direction, but you managed to understand, still. The wind cut through your face sharply enough for you to shield it with your hands, screwing your eyes shut. It roared in your ears, and you genuinely wondered if you were ever going to go home tonight. 

Suddenly, the gale died down. When you lowered your hands and opened your eyes, there was no trace of the boy who'd been here just a minute ago.

It was just you under the watchful gaze of the half-filled moon. 

[nicodemusprewett]

❝ I know I shouldn’t do it, I just do it, and what you think’s got nothing to do with it. Before you were born, I was already sinning. It’s not because the light here is brighter and it’s not that I’m evil, I just don’t like to pretend. ❞ NICODEMUS PREWETT looks a lot like that muggle, LORENZO ZURZOLO, right? Only a SEVENTH YEAR student, that GRYFFINDOR student is sided with the WRAITHS. HE identifies as a CIS MAN and is a PUREBLOOD. [ BEE/BEATRICE, SHE/HER, 22, EST ]

hello !!!!!! i’m bee !!!!!!! i LOVE exclamation points, if you couldn’t tell !!!! i’m super duper stoked to be writing nico. he’s kind of the worst !!! i promise i’m a lot nicer than he is !!! and i also have memes !!!!! if you hit me with a like, i’ll come plot with you !!! also pls bear with me on this intro. there’s no rhyme or reason to it.

aesthetic: silk ties. tweed blazers. crystal glasses. lies that flow from lips like honey. a not-yet-crowned king. the glint of white teeth behind a feral smile. naive rage. a powerful glare. pressed shirts. expensive cologne. cigarette smoke clinging to your clothes, your skin. a need for fine things. lush champagne. a flair for the dramatic. a storming temper. unlimited grandiosity. chaos-touched. perfect but rotten. a disregard for consequence. boyish charm.

rambly bits: ( mentions of child abuse )

— godless hubris

how do you know yourself ? all too well. you know you are sure, you know you are just. there is nothing wrong with you — in fact, you are probably as close to perfection as a wizard could get, and you truly believe that. your blood is pure, you are beautiful, you are capable. you have no flaws ( — none that see the light of day, or that others know of ) and that’s remarkable. you are sure you are going to be known in perpetuity. your name will be next to the greatest the wizarding world has seen. where can you go from here ? only up.

— righteous fury

is your fury yours ? or did you learn it ? orion lestrange gave you attention, and to get more, you listened to what he said. you gleaned his anger until it tasted like your own. suddenly, there was no good or evil, wrong or right. it was simple: what the wraiths said went. you are not one to question something that will bring you recognition, something that will bring you power. you will do what needs to be done to ensure the wraiths ( rather, and deep down you know it isn’t and has never been done for the wraiths, but rather for yourself ).

— hapless melancholia

you remember seeing the weasleys in diagon alley once when you were young. you made a careless remark that one of the children looked quite a bit like yourself. your father gripped your chin in his fingers and made for sure certain that you knew you were nothing like them. you thought little of them again until you saw them on the platform to leave to hogwarts. there were joyous shouts and gleeful exclamations. there were multiple kisses and tight hugs — unexpectedly, your heart ached. you thought you would get over it. you thought you would grow up and grow out of these … childish longings. instead, time went on, these feelings grew stronger. you would wake up, your chest heavy, feeling a desperation for something you couldn’t buy — you wanted to be loved. you wanted soft words and softer touches. you deserved those things, didn’t you ? if those ruddy weasleys had it, why couldn’t you ? this grief over lack of affection all too often turns to anger. you shake and you snap so easily — really, it should be no wonder why no one loves you.

— dark souls, ( dark ? ) dreams

nature and nurture are curious things. your nature ensured that you crave love, but your nurturing ( — rather, your lack thereof ) ensured that you were cruel and callous. your father was a nasty man, harsh and severe, and you learned from him how to be the same. after all, your ploys for attention included acting like him the best you could. you copied his mannerisms, his way of speech. it never did catch you his fondness, but it did warp you into someone unkind and severe. despite being dark, your dreams are lighter than you are in the day. there is love and there is warmth, and things are gentle and soft. but when you wake, you scoff. you’re not sure if you are angry that a part of you is so weak, or if you are angry that you don’t have these nice things.

— bitter glory

heavy lies the head that wears a crown. that won’t be the case with you. you will wear it with ease when you are finally king, you will not be stifled. you have one goal: to be king. what will you do to get it ? anything. you will give up your chances of being loved, you will rid yourself of the chains of being loyal to anyone else. if that causes you ache, this loss, so be it. some things are worth more than others.

wraiths:

— there is something so satisfying about being in charge of all the student wraiths. it’s a taste, more like a tease, of the power he could have once he is out of school. it feels so right, so fitting. but part of the draw to the wraiths had been orion. nicodemus had hoped ( had prayed ) that the man would be something more than his parents had been, something more than anyone in his life had been. it didn’t happen, though. orion offered him power, and the taste of it melted into his tongue sweetly, and that’s what is keeping him involved. tl;dr: are the wraiths right ? who is he to say. is he going to keep with them for the time being because he’s a power-hungry baby megalomaniac ? yes, one hundred perfect.

— his code name is viticomus, meaning adorned or crowned with vine-leaves.

— he has a rune because selling your soul at the ripe age of sixteen ( maybe seventeen, tba ?? ) was totally a good idea for him ! one of the best he’s ever had ! it’s for occlumency and it’s on the nape of his neck under his hair.

prophecy:

— the final betrayer. what does that mean ? nicodemus has wondered but he refuses to say anything certain to anyone. there are seemingly countless people he could betray. orion. his prewett relatives. himself. it leaves a strange taste in his mouth, wondering  what it could mean. he doesn’t suppose he wouldn’t betray orion — for all the man had taught him, nicodemus still didn’t have the thing he wanted most — and should circumstances be right, it would be a hard choice. and the prewetts ? it could be argued that he’s already betrayed them, taking the label and beliefs of wraiths. but the last option worries him the most. it would be so easy. give up the things he wants, subject himself to a life that isn’t quite fulfilling.

plot arc:

— nicodemus knows that power is the key to adoration. now at the top of the wraiths, or at the very least, of the students ( maybe some of the adults, or at least in his mind, he is ), the lust for more is nearly palpable. he doesn’t just want it — he needs it. if he isn’t to get it, what has it all been for then ? he cannot wait for the respect, he cannot wait until his name strikes feeling into the heart of those who hear it. only then, will he be satisfied ( —or so he thinks ).

more rambles, less structure:

— can i just say: the duality of man ??? the lust for power, the need for love. these things typically don’t play together. for those who want power, they sacrifice love because the respect and fear they command replace it. sometimes being loving doesn’t command power. nico ( a note: no one calls him nico. it’s too informal, it’s too plebian, but for my sake while writing this intro, i will call him nico ) doesn’t quite understand this. he wants to be on top ( a need for a crown is overwhelming, and he’s only just begun tasting what kinghood is like, glints of power in his hands ) but he also wants to be loved. but does he know what love is ? probably not. he knows it’s in how you care for another person, a feeling that wells up in your chest, but i’m not sure he really knows how to love someone. he knows what it is to want and to lust, but love ? he’s never had it ! he wouldn’t know love if it smacked him in the face ! my poor emotionally-stunted, morally-skewed boy ! ( also i will acknowledge: the wraiths ? bad. nico ? Bad. not good people. not people you should aspire to be ! )

— and let’s talk about the weasleys ! what does he feel when he see them ? anger. jealousy. sadness. he could have been like them, if things were different. he could have known them. he could have been loved by them. and yet, none of those things are true. they’re practically all strangers, but he feels so much around them. for the most part, he hides it, behind snide words and an upturned nose. there is no getting close to them — first, he doesn’t know how to mend years of cruel behavior, but two, what if they turned him away ? for nico, feeling his own hurt and resentment as is is much better than risking getting hurt more.

— onion headlines that give me nicodemus vibes: “ i am the product of a single-nanny household ” “ wealthy teen nearly experiences consequence ” “ somebody should make a movie about my life ” “ i am lost in my own mansion ” “ report: income inequality most apparent during fifth-grade classmate’s birthday party ”

thoughts, few details:

— his parents hate each other and cheated on one another all the time as he grew up. are they a good example of a healthy relationship ? definitely not.

— he’s a scorpio. moody bitch.

— charms his hair brown now that he’s older to look less like a weasley, but can’t be bothered about the maintenance until someone points out he’s looking a little ruddy. the freckles, though ? he charmed them once and he ended up with like a thousand more and he won’t tempt fate again.

— would probably choke if someone liked him. probably ??? would think they’re lying.

— voldemort ? had good methods of control and fear-mongering. could nico be a better leader ? he believes so.

— his parents only had a kid out of obligation and not love. can we imagine the complex that gives a kid ? 

— his parents supported voldemort back in the day. they still believed in pureblooded ideals, though, and nico grew up hearing them. this meant that the wraiths weren’t telling him anything he didn’t know when he was readying to join them. 

— a note on this: orion tempted him with the allure of family. not pureblooded mania, not the scorn for anyone not entirely witch or wizard, but with family. they were both blacks, slight distance between them both, and blood together was a powerful thing. he had hoped this meant affection — he would have been over the moon at the smallest of fondness —  but it seemed ( like voldemort himself —  orion would be enthused at the comparison ) the older man was incapable of such.

— nico’s view of love DOES NOT equal real love. he’s dumb and wouldn’t know love if it hit him in the face.

 — he thinks he should be loved. like, thinks people should be bowing at his feet, kissing his shoes.  he thinks he’s more than deserving of it. how could he not be ?

— his full name is nicodemus vaughn prewett. he’s named after a dead relative. wizards love that.

[chesshawkins]

intro ! ☼

⌠ KAWENNÁHERE DEVERY JACOBS, 22, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, FRANCESCA ‘CHESS’ HAWKINS! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in UNDECIDED; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of ( worn leather jackets, dusty roads leading into the distance, bruised knuckles and a split lip, busy streets at night ). when it’s the ( taurus )’s birthday on 05/06/1998, they always request FRIED GREEN TOMATOES from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ lily, 19, she/her, gmt ⍀ ( @gallagherintro​ ) 

☼ CONNECTIONS PAGE ☼ PINTEREST ☼ ABOUT ☼ STATS ☼ BIOGRAPHY ☼

      here she is! after a long wait, i finally bring to u chess, my spunky runaway bisexual disaster with a healthy serving of abandonment and anger issues! she’s kind of baby, but also not at all, and i adore her. 

      here is her google doc, which explains her past in much more depth (and i highly recommend giving it a read!!), but for a more abbreviated version, read below!

character.

&. basics

full name: Francesca ‘Chess’ Hawkins

nicknames: Frankie (reserved for her mother and super close friends) 

age: 22

orientation: bisexual

relationship status: single

date of birth: may 6th, 1998

hometown: komatke/phoenix, arizona / richmond, va

gender: cisfemale

language(s) spoken: English, O’odham, Spanish

accent: general american

&. personality

mbti: INTJ

temperament: melancholic

star sign: taurus

element: earth

enneagram type: type 5, the investigator

five positive traits: resilient, self-sufficient, daring

five negative traits: reserved, untrusting, tactless

likes: vintage records, travel, spicy food, the smell of desert air, alcohol, the rush of adrenaline, getting high, chunky jewelry, cacti.

dislikes: hospitals, the police, mushrooms, authority, the color pink, the rain, people who chew gum, running, bugs.

bad habits: biting her nails, being too blunt, getting high/drunk too often, pushing herself too hard.

hobbies: making playlists, playing video games, film photography, boxing, riding her motorcycle.

fears: abandonment, hospitals, bugs.

story.

childhood:

chess grew up in her native community outside of arizona.

when she was eleven, her aunt, uncle, and cousin moved away after getting promoted, and chess’ parents followed suit and moved to phoenix to try and make it.

unfortunately, after only a year, they lost their jobs and were forced to trade their small apartment for a caravan in a trailer park outside the city.

chess was mocked and bullied at school for this, as well as the fact that she had an incredible memory and was able to outshine most of her classmates

when she turned fourteen, her parents simply gave up, and turned to drugs and alcohol, constantly ignoring and dismissing chess

one day in november, chess returned home to an entirely empty trailer, with a note on the fridge simply reading ‘there’s food in the freezer, back soon.’ 

they never came back.

in the three months of waiting for them and fending for herself, she began pickpocketing in central phoenix to make money

she discovered a talent for it, and in turn, a love for the adrenaline rush it brought her

this escalated to the point of snatching watches and jewelry

this unfortunately brought attention to her, and combined with the fact the trailer park manager hadn’t seen her parents in months, the police showed up at her doorstep

this forced her to go on the run and live on the streets of phoenix as a 16yr old girl

at some point, she got too cocky, and landed herself a two month stint in juvie when she broke the nose of the cop who tried to arrest her

when she was released, she ran again, this time to sedona

while there, she met aspen ( @aspenpalmer​ ) and it was seemingly love at first sight

the two of them travelled the country together, eventually ending up in new york

new york:

they ran into a gang of grifters and through them joined an underground fight club

she loved it, loved the thrill of it, and was happy with her life and her friends and her girlfriend

unfortunately, this is when things went south -

one night when chess was practicing alone, the police raided the place

chess was able to alert the others and they got away on time

when they brought chess in for questioning, she was offered a lighter sentence in exchange for the others’ names

chess, used to fending for herself and only having herself to rely on, gave them up to avoid a heavy sentence

once released from her month long sentence, she found another fight club from her old contacts and rejoined

this time, she pushed herself too hard, guilty for giving up her friends, and ending up seriously injuring herself

enter chess’ aunt, who managed to track her down when she was admitted to a hospital - her aunt turned out to be a successful ny lawyer, and also part time spy recruiter for agencies 

she brought chess back to her home in richmond and trained her alongside her cousin to get into gallagher

now:

at 22, chess’ aunt pulls some strings and gets chess enrolled at gallagher.

she’s not incredibly happy about it - hates the idea of it all, the uniforms, the end goal of working for the government, the classes, but she does it for her aunt

and it’s also her only prospect for the future

she also, unfortunately, will come face to face with aspen for the first time since the betrayal, so that’ll mess stuff up for her a little.

she’s a very abrasive person - she’s blunt, standoffish, and generally rather aggressive

this is a result of her fending for herself since she was 14

if you’re nice to her, she’ll def try to figure out what you want from her

she has an insanely accurate memory, and excels in recollection-based classes, but in other things she’s not so great

she’s a skilled fighter from her days in the ring, so be warned if you piss her off

she has undiagnosed ADHD so she struggles with focusing in classes

she really likes vintage things, like film photography and records, but that’s a recent discovery since living with her aunt

her style could be described as an edgier stevie nicks? think dark florals, ripped jeans, lots of chunky jewelry ( most of which is stolen, lbr ) and heavy boots

loves her music and her playlists, and if ur super close to her she’ll make u one :)

wanted connections.

family friend ― this person would have ties with chess’ aunt, and would have been asked to help chess integrate with the school and figure out her classes. could be excited to help her or angry about being saddled with a babysitting job, we can figure it out!

ray of sunshine ― since chess is a very quiet/reserved person, i can imagine someone trying to befriend and get to know her - chess is probably uncomfortable, but doesn’t want to hurt their feelings, so she tolerates them. possibly make chess open up to them over time?

instant dislike ― something happens where they just instantly don’t like each other. maybe your character is a bit of a snob and not happy that a thief/runaway is being trained at gallagher, maybe they got into a fight with her in the first few weeks.

misery loves company ― chess doesn’t want to be here, and can often be found sulking somewhere about it. maybe your character doesn’t either, or simply has their own issues and likes having someone to be grumpy with.

tutor ― chess needs help in her classes. while she’s generally really smart and has a great memory, she’s pretty undisciplined and needs help training. this connection could also help her figure out what major she wants to be.

ex’s friend ― so chess majorly betrayed aspen by giving her up to the cops, and if your character is close with aspen, they probably know what chess did and hate her for it. give me angst!

new york connections ― in a world of thieves and spies, there are bound to be a few crossed wires, so if your character was in new york (and potentially a criminal) roughly three/four years ago and would have known chess, lemme know!

arizona connections ― less likely, but if your character grew up/spent time in phoenix/sedona growing up/as a teenager, let me know!!

anything and everything ― i just want a bunch of connections so if you have any ideas, please let me know!

please hit me up to plot ! i want all sorts of connections !

[kirastrations]

Loved the Way You Hated (me)

"I'm perfect for a killing game, I don't have any faith in humanity!"

Hair the colour of buttermilk swirls framed a face devoid of pigment, lavender eyes clouded over with a mist of hollow nothingness, with a smile that screamed "I want to win."

Tsumugi Shirogane had been instantly sold.

~Tsumugi reflects on her actions, and finds herself pondering over what could have been.

My piece for the @danganevents Valentines event, for @mastermind-madd ^^ Doubling it as a piece for @femslashfeb.

Read on ao3

Read on fanfic.net

The moment Tsumugi is alone with her thoughts, it hits her like a ton of bricks.

Or a box of shot-put balls, to be more precise.

She trudges through the dimly lit academy, drinking in her surroundings through eyes the colour of gravel and monotony, an arrow of doubt pierces her (one of those arrows from Maki's soon-to-be-revealed lab, for sure). Doubt at her existence. Doubt at the journey she'd made to get this far. Had it been worth it in the end?

Conflicting emotions blanket her core, not unlike a corrupted, malicious and double-dealing piece of fabric. Each thread is twisted and tangled, with no plans on loosening any time soon. Buttons of hope sew their way into the ground beneath her feet, and no matter how large and terrifying the darkness seems to be, they don't fall out. They endure each movement, each twist in the road, and it's beyond the cosplayer how it all works. Another voice tells her that hope is just a petty illusion, one that is unreachable and only attainable through fictional mediums. Hope fools the mind and defies all logic, logic which is hurled at one like a bullet from a gun.

Such is doubt.

What even is hope?

Tsumugi... doesn't think she really knows anymore.

Had she ever known to begin with?

Either way, she had been hoping to learn. Hoping that she'd be the one to show her, a final lesson to twist the final nail in a coffin that awaits the seamstress a mere five trials away.

Back to the present, Tsumugi finds herself walking, walking, walking. Where to? She doesn't know, but that's a lie.

Her head snaps up as a second figure comes into view. And the mask drizzles back down her face like a sickly sweet honey.

It's Shuichi Saihara, because of course it is.

As they cross paths, he doesn't bother meeting her eyes, choosing to remain hidden beneath the shadow of his hat. He doesn't even see her. A chill runs down her spine, and a fleeting he hates me so much dances across her mind.

He's so pathetic, says Tsumugi to Tsumugi.

Tsumugi purses her lips. She wants to agree, but knows she can't. She can't now.

She reaches her destination, plainly patterned shoes squeaking to a halt outside the not-so-plainly decorated door. Kaede's lab had been the easiest one to design, after all - there had been an 'Ultimate Composer' the season prior, so all it had really needed was a little bit of dusting down.

Sighing, Tsumugi slips into the leather stool, sliding up the piano's hood. She had no intention of playing it, of course - she'd damage her nails - and her characterisation, she supposes.

A hand ghosts the untouched Monokuma-coloured keys. Freshly-painted teal nails glint back at her, almost mockingly, as if to say you did this.

Kaede... such potentional for a protagonist. Closing her eyes, Tsumugi remembers the grovelling she'd had to do to get her the part. The strings she'd had to pull. The paycheck she'd willingly given up. The lows she had stooped to in the initial writing process. They'd eventually managed to persuade her to "Go back to basics, give the viewers a nostalgic kick up the rump!" And she had begrudgingly complied.

Danganronpa wouldn't be Danganronpa without that one shy-boy who could grow— Not too bad, she could fit that in alright. There'd always be that one student who can barely remember their own name— No biggie, Rantaro would be the best decision for that plotline. Oh, and of course, who in their right mind would be against a spicy romance plot— Astronaut and Assassin, perhaps? Typical normie suggestion, but it's not like she could say no at this stage. Fanservice is a must— Fine, fine, Iruma and Ouma could slot in there nicely. Case Three's gotta be a double whammy with a crazy twist, just like the old days— Eh, wouldn't be too hard, she supposes.

Oh, how naive she had been!

Tsumugi Shirogane had signed her livelihood, her dignity, her life off, for a single chance to see a girl take centre stage for once...

... Only to have her fucking die before the second arc had even started.

Tsumugi's eyes flutter shut. Oh, how fun she'd have been so fun to work with. To get to know. To see the absolute utter despair in her eyes when Tsumugi would finally finally tear off her bespectacled mask, and stab her puppet where it'd hurt most. The heart. Kaede would feel the knife before she'd lay her eyes on it. She'd be forced to look into the eyes of it's wielder, just two stands down from her. And Tsumugi would finally see it. Those eyes that had once been filled with determination and purpose, would be brimming with bitterness and absolute hate.

But even so, Kaede would have changed it all. She'd have changed the course of Danganronpa history. She'd have found some roundabout way of beating the tradition. She'd have rewritten the fiction that she'd confidently stated as loving so much all those months back.

A tiniest fragment within Tsumugi's jaded heart had believed, no, hoped that Kaede Akamatsu would have reignited the firey passion Tsumugi had had for Danganronpa all those years ago when she'd first joined the Team.

“I'm perfect for a killing game, I don't have any faith in humanity!"

Hair the colour of buttermilk swirls framed a face devoid of pigment, lavender eyes clouded over with a mist of hollow nothingness, with a smile that screamed "I want to win."

Tsumugi Shirogane had been instantly sold.

The audition tape plays in the cosplayer's mind on a loop, like a broken CD from the dead pianist's lab. Her stomach bubbles and pops with a feeling she can't quite place a finger on.

Despair, perhaps?

Ah yes, it was probably despair. Tsumugi has a sudden urge to race to the bathroom to relieve herself of the feeling. To dance into her special little room, throw on that blonde wig, and cackle and cry till her emotions run dry.

She'd succeeded, she'd failed, she'd succeeded, she'd failed. She'd finally, finally succeeded in channelling her inner-Junko, something she'd longed to achieve ever since she'd been a little girl, the moment her once-innocent eyes had been tainted with the fashionista's reveal and ultimate demise. But she'd also failed, she supposes.

All of her hard work, all of her endless efforts, all of her hopes to change Danganronpa into something other than what it's been for the past few decades. All of it currently lay crushed beneath a huge grand piano, painted red with blood, and stained pink with deceit.

It's so despairingly delightful.

Tsumugi bites back a shuddering sigh as the memories come flooding back. She chuckles, quietly reminding herself that someone else already has that character this time around.

Actually, speaking of...

Korekiyo. He'd been onto her both before and during the trial. Tsumugi's fists ball into her skirts. He (and Angie, much to her surprise) had been the only two to get remotely close to the 'true truth'.

She refuses be outed by mere side characters, of all people. They'd both have to go, and soon. Tsumugi makes a mental note to make the artist more appealing to 'Miss Shinguuji's' tastes further down the line.

Yeah, yeah, that should work.

Tsumugi absolutely adores the characters that are a threat, she always had done. It was only natural for her to want a whole cast full of them! It's why competent characters such as Korekiyo and Kirumi exist. It's why unpredictable characters such as Kokichi and Angie exist. It's why threats to her very existence, such as Rantaro and Kaede existed.

She loves them.

She loves their hatred.

Another sigh spills from the cosplayer's lips. The classroom is as dead as the night outside, as dead as it's owner, and the man she didn't kill.

And then, it's all empty again.

Tsumugi's empty.

She's empty.

The emptiness... is always there, but Tsumugi is a professional, she's great at hiding it, masking it with normal human emotions. No one is going to ask her why she's smiling. And in a Killing Game, no one will ask her why she's crying either. The emptiness hides everywhere, this emptiness, it floats around in hive-minded swarms, it hides between the cracks in walls. There isn't any getting away from it. The nightmares of her classmates seem to help fill it, the contents of which is mostly irrelevant. The feeling gets lighter with each corpse added to the growing pile of her former peers. Yes... that's it... Something has to go to shit, something has to be imperfect for her world to keep on spinning.

Something tragic. Imperfect. Exciting. Despair-inducing. Unplain. Or else there's no meaning to the killing game. No meaning to life. No meaning to her.

And so, in the midst of the emptiness, Tsumugi Shirogane grieves. There are no waterworks, no theatrics, no speeches of hope and friendship to pick her up off her feet.

Just an the familiar pit of emptiness Tsumugi thought would be quenched with a new kind of killing game.

No such luck.

Tsumugi grieves the loss of her precious new killing game, and with it, the loss of Kaede Akamatsu, the Ultimate Pianist.

She grieves the loss of the most treasured puppet in her collection.

In the world of Danganronpa, trusts are broken, and lies are told. For the puppets to believe in what they seek, they must know what it means to be what they don't want to be.

Being sad will make them realize how valuable being happy is.

Being weak makes them know what it means to be strong.

Being helpless is what makes them determined to be helpful. Mistakes happen tragedies occur, and then the process starts all over again.

But, by looking at the brighter sides of things, they might just be able to briefly smile one last time in life, and in the something just beyond that.

Tsumugi reapplies her makeup, sliding her glasses back up the bridge of her nose.

And she gets back to work, slipping into the classroom adjacent. Those Kubs Pads won't make themselves, after all.

The other puppets are eagerly waiting her arrival, whether they know it or not.

Whether she likes it or not.

[ohmytheon]

Karma in Retrograde (19)

title: Karma in Retrograde

summary: When Dabi is hit by a de-aging quirk, he’s turned back to a 16 year-old U.A. Gen Studies student with self-esteem and parent issues, a destructive quirk, and no memory of the last five years. To help the Dabi of the past, present, and future, he is placed with Class 1-A. There, they must all face the question of whether he can change or if his destiny is already set in stone.

– Chapter 19: Dealing with the aftermath of his conversation with Natsuo and Shouto, Ryouta tries to move on with the rest of his day with varying successes.

Lanni notes: And I'm back! It was so weird not to write for this fic. It's been like a month! I was worried that I'd struggle to get back in the mindset of writing for this fic, but the moment I started, it was like I never stopped. Ryouta is just such an easy character to slip into for me and I'm ecstatic people are enjoying him. Another round of applause for Misty taking the reins! After some discussion, we decided to postpone the "Embers to Ashes" prequel one-shot in order to post this chapter because sometimes we like to be nice. The last chapter was heavy and an emotional rollercoaster. While I'm a glutton for angst, we both thought it was a good idea to lighten up in the next two chapters. The idea is that while Ryouta is experiencing one hell of a shock with his family, he's also experiencing a different kind at UA. Honestly, some of my favorite parts to write in this fic aren't the big emotional scenes (although I do love them), but the little moments where Ryouta shows growth and improvement despite his various struggles. It's important to me. My baby's growing up and off, well, doing hero school shit. The song for this chapter is "Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine.

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

When Ryouta and Shouto reached the common area to wait for Natsuo, they found it empty, much to his relief. Aizawa must have corralled the other students into returning to class. While Natsuo wasn’t embarrassing or anything, he wanted to keep things separate for now. Family issues packed away in one corner and school stuff shoved in the other. He didn’t have it in him to combine them yet.

Saying goodbye was an awkward affair, but it didn’t feel final.

“I’ve got a boatload of work with exams around the corner, but don’t think school is gonna distract me.” Natsuo wasn’t a nervous mess like Fuyumi, who had acted like, the second she walked out of the room, he would disappear on her again . No, he was much more confident that the U.A. staff would keep him in line. “When the year ends, we’re gonna do this again - but we’re gonna do it right. We’ll make up for lost time. And you” - he pointed a finger at Ryouta that, while not exactly accusing, wasn’t forgiving either - “are gonna be honest this time around.”

“I didn’t lie completely before,” Ryouta pointed out, rolling his eyes.

Natsuo harrumphed. “I remember your half-truths very well, so don’t even start.”

Well, he wasn’t wrong. Ryouta had survived off of half-truths and lies. Dabi probably had as well. All he could do in response was hold his hands up in surrender and mumble, “Okay, okay, you got me.”

Honest. He could do that. He was trying to do that. It shouldn’t have been a big deal - it shouldn’t have been too much to expect of him - and yet it was. That was the frustrating part. Why couldn’t he just be open and honest with his family? The Class 1-A kids and U.A. teachers were one thing, but his own siblings? Was he that much of an emotionally constipated ass?

It was probably better not to ask that question.

At first, Ryouta thought that Natsuo was going to go for another hug, but he seemed to realize he had reached his limit. It was both a relief and annoyance when he got a pat on the shoulder, the latter because the action screamed “big brother” so much that he thought Natsuo might’ve done it on purpose. He did hug Shouto, who took it with much more grace than he ever could have, but was still somewhat stiff.

Physical affection and comfort was a language that took time to learn. They couldn’t expect him to learn it right away. It had been easier to figure out with Fuyumi back when they had both been younger, but now he had to do it for the third time. It was tiresome. He’d never been like that with Natsuo, although he had sometimes forced himself with Shouto to comfort him when training got too intense. It appeared as if Shouto was doing the same thing he had, but with more practice. Ryouta had a feeling his classmates had a hand in it. They were so damn friendly.

After making the promise to call soon to set up another time to hang out (one that wouldn’t involve attempts to run away or sneak attacks through the window), Natsuo left, more self-assured than Ryouta would’ve expected of him. Then again, Natsuo had always been the most boisterous and confident of the bunch, the quickest of them to bounce back whenever something happened. Likely, as hurt as he was over this whole situation, the fact that his brother was alive was enough to allow him to maintain an upbeat mood. It was an overwhelming relief, a weight off their shoulders that he hadn’t even known they’d been carrying.

Shouto glanced at the clock. “We’re late for Present Mic’s class.”

Having to go back to class after that emotional downpour was one of the last things Ryouta wanted to do, but there was still lunch and then the hero course in the afternoon. He couldn’t slack off simply because he’d had an emotionally exhausting reunion where he found out that his family had thought he’d killed himself. Well, he probably could if he asked, but there was that old need to prove that he could take it creeping up on him. Even though he knew that Shouto and the others wouldn’t think any less of him for needing some time to process, he didn’t want that time. If he thought about it too hard, he would think about other things as well.

How bad had things gotten between the time he remembered and when he’d dropped out of school? How far had he fallen before he finally disappeared from their lives? He supposed, if he followed the progression of what he’d been doing, he would’ve continued to injure himself at more frequent and dangerous rates. He’d never moved to the hero course, so he must have been very frustrated and angry, which would have only made things worse. He knew how he was when he got like that: he was a volatile mess.

If he hadn’t dropped out, there was a chance that he would’ve been kicked out.

Ryouta didn’t want to think about that though, so going to class was a welcome distraction. “Let’s get to it then.”

“Are you sure?” Shouto asked warily.

“Iida is making me re-do some of my English homework,” Ryouta grumbled. “Apparently my grades in his class could’ve been better.”

Shouto tilted his head as they both started for the door. “I thought you liked reading.”

“I like reading fine,” Ryouta corrected. He must have remembered him and Fuyumi reading him bedtime stories. In his childhood, it was one of the few ways he could escape his home life. He could be somewhere else - someone else - and all would be well for an hour or two. “I don’t like English that much. It’s more of a mess than I am.”

“Admitting your shortcomings?” Shouto’s lips almost twitched into a smile, but not quite. It was like the ghost of one was on his face, the confrontation with Natsuo having sucked the energy to create a living one out of him out of him.

It was enough to make Ryouta narrow his eyes, jumping to meet Shouto halfway to a lighter mood. “I never acted like I was the perfect student. That was Fuyumi. She used to write lesson plans for fun and make Natsuo and I sit down while she played teacher.”

“It’s nice that she was able to follow her dream,” Shouto said thoughtfully.

Ryouta thought back to his twin. She’d wanted to be a teacher for as long as he could remember. It had irritated him sometimes, if only because he didn’t want to sit down and do additional homework, but he always went along with it in the end. It made her happy. She got really into it, trying to emulate their mother, who had taught them all how to read, write, and do math. It was thanks to her that he enjoyed reading so much. In the beginning, after a particularly rough training session, she’d let them crawl into bed with her and read them stories until they fell asleep.

That felt like a dream to him now.

Present Mic’s English class turned out to be an excellent distraction as he was forced to pay attention. Iida wasn’t about to let him drift off in there, even if he did look concerned upon Ryouta and Shouto’s arrival. After a brief silent exchange in which he assumed Iida was asking him if he was alright to continue for the day and he nodded in return, class resumed as if nothing peculiar had happened. He had no doubts that the few classmates who had witnessed a civilian climbing through one of their dorm windows had a lot of questions, but hopefully, they would either keep them to themselves or direct them at Shouto. Honestly, he didn’t know if he had the energy to be polite right now.

Once that was over, the class shuffled off to the Grand Mess Hall as a group. Ryouta let himself get herded along with Shouto’s friends, although he caught pointed looks from both Mina and Kaminari. They’d both seen Natsuo, after all, and he had even introduced himself to Mina. He tried to ignore it and avoided them in the process. They’d either understand or they wouldn’t. As callous as it sounded, he didn’t feel like considering their feelings at the moment.

While waiting in line to grab something to eat, someone bumped into him. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence in the Mess Hall since it was so packed, but it still jerked Ryouta out of his ponderings over how much money was left in his school account. When he turned around, instead of the other student apologizing for bumping into him or outright ignoring that they had, he found a blonde-haired boy looking directly at him with intelligent, light blue eyes, catching him off guard.

At first, he didn’t recognize him, but it clicked when the boy smiled. It was the kid who had bumped into him in the hallway on the first day. What had Uraraka said his name was? Mono? Momo? No, that was Yaoyorozu’s given name. Now was not the time for him to be bad with names. He’d never cared enough to remember people’s names before. He hadn’t even bothered to remember more than the quirks of his own classmates. The boy was from Class 1-B. He knew that much.

“You’re new,” the boy said. “Are you an exchange student too?”

Ryouta wasn’t sure what the protocol for a conversation like this was. The principal had gone over a few things with him in case people outside of the hero course or UA questioned him, but it hadn’t been a much. Did Class B not know the truth about him? Hadn’t he heard that they had been on the same Camping Trip that Dabi had attacked with the League? Was Class A really the only ones in on UA’s little experiment with a de-aged villain?

“I’m a transfer student,” Ryouta found himself saying. It was a decent cover and one that could explain why he had suddenly appeared. An exchange would imply that he’d replaced someone in Class 1-A, but that clearly wasn’t the case. A few happened here and there, mostly from foreign countries in order to build relations and ties, but he was at something of a loss on what school he would say if pressed for more details. Besides maybe Shiketsu, UA had been the only high school he’d concerned himself with.

“Well that’s interesting,” the boy replied. He didn’t sound like he believed it.

A frown made its way onto Ryouta’s face. C’mon, you’re a better liar than that.

“I couldn’t help but notice how much you favor Todoroki,” the boy continued, his tone casual but his eyes sharp despite his heavy-lidded gaze. “Are you two related?”

Ryouta turned his head and caught eyes with Shouto, who seemed like he had only just realized what was going on. He could say that he was Shouto’s brother and it wouldn’t be a lie, but it would beg the question of why he had transferred to U.A. instead of going there in the first place. No one had told him what to do if someone pieced together the fact that he and Shouto were related even though the risk should’ve been obvious. They looked too much alike even before Ryouta showed off his fire quirk. Sure, fire quirks appeared fairly frequently, but the coincidences were too much. What would sound plausible?

At the last second, Ryouta decisively settled on, “I’m his cousin on his dad’s side.” Shouto gave him a weird look, but there wasn’t any room for him to shrug when they were currently being stared at. It was the only explanation he could think of. He could deny being related to Shouto, but in all honesty, it would probably just make people more suspicious. “My parents moved back to Japan. I took a test and was accepted into U.A. as a transfer.”

The boy’s lips twitched into what looked like a half grin/half grimace. “Another Todoroki then. Sure you didn’t just get in because of your name?”

Ryouta stiffened at the implication. The idea that he would use the Todoroki name to do anything or get ahead anywhere… It was more insulting than he realized. He had originally applied to U.A. under his mother’s maiden name not only because it had been one of his father’s requirements, but also because it had been his way of getting out from under his old man’s thumb. Ryouta didn’t want to be shackled by the Todoroki name, as Shouto surely didn’t, although he went by it at school. Or maybe it was the idea of being tied to Endeavor. Shouto wanted to be his own hero and Ryouta had…

Well, he’d wanted to be something once upon a time, hadn’t he? That dream had died, but here he was, trying it all over again. He wouldn’t use his father’s name. He didn’t then and he wouldn’t now.

Under any other circumstance, Ryouta would’ve let the conversation die, but the wrong buttons had been pushed and he felt himself stepping forward. Although spotted the realization on Shouto’s face and concern on Midoriya’s, both were ignored. Pranking Bakugou had taught him something: he couldn’t always let other people defend him. He hadn’t always in the past, but had taken a backseat throughout this whole mess. He had thought being passive was the safest route. He’d chosen something similar the first time around when he was in GE. Maybe it wasn’t though. None of the kids in the hero course were passive. They couldn’t be if they were going to be heroes.

If he was going to start changing for the better, then he had to switch tactics. Clearly being passive wasn’t working out for him. Time to try a different approach.

Also, this kid had a face that screamed for him to punch it and although Ryouta couldn’t do that, he couldn’t ignore it completely. He had picked the wrong time to mess with him. Having been through an emotional ringer, he was tired and grouchy and ready to take it out on someone.

“You’re in Class 1-B, aren’t you?” Ryouta asked in an equally casual tone.

The boy narrowed his eyes. “Yes.”

“What’s your name again? Uraraka told me.” Ryouta tapped his chin thoughtfully. “I can’t remember.”

He gave a smile that would’ve been considered polite if not for how tense it was. “Monoma Neito.”

“Oh, yeah, that was it.” Ryouta returned his smile, pleasant if not a bit vague, which only made Monoma simmer even more. Beside him, Shouto sighed in defeat while Midoriya cringed awkwardly. In his defense, making friends with Class A was about as much as he could take. He wasn’t the super friendly type like Mina or Uraraka or the kind of person that people gravitated toward like Midoriya or even an inspiring person like Shouto or, hell, Bakugou. No, he was too prickly for that.

If there was one thing that he excelled at, it was annoying people. No, it was more than that. He could find a person’s weakest point and would pick at it until they were pissed off. It was probably why he and Bakugou kept butting heads. It was why he kept looking at everyone in Class A like they might turn into a threat. He knew how to pick until a person exploded. No wonder his father had hated him. There was very little worse than having a bratty teenager point out all your flaws.

“Well, the hero courses pair up every once in a while for lessons here, don’t they?” Ryouta continued. He knew that they did. His father had talked about it and he had overheard hero course students talking about it. Teachers didn’t want students to get used to fighting against their classmates or they wouldn’t be able to improve. “You can find out then if I got in on my name or not. It’ll be fun.”

Ryouta could practically hear Shouto groaning internally, but both of them kept straight faces. Monoma didn’t look nearly as entertained, eyeing him with a shrewd expression. In the past, he might’ve faltered under that, but he’d learned his lesson well: he couldn’t back down. He didn’t know who this kid was or his history with Class 1-A, but it didn’t matter. He had his own life to live, didn’t he?

“Fun, right,” Monoma replied carefully. “We take things seriously at U.A., of course.” At his left, Midoriya coughed into his hand as if to contradict him. He got a disgruntled look from Monoma, but no fighting words. “So what do you go by then? Should I call you Todoroki? Maybe Todoroki Two?” He waved a hand in Shouto’s direction. “There’s one of you already.”

It was a shit move, but Ryouta was in a shit mood, so he held out his hand and said, “Ryouta will work just fine. Using given names isn’t that big of a deal where I grew up.”

Monoma glanced down at his hand before taking and shaking it as he said, “That’s odd, considering your accent.”

Ryouta’s grip tightened just a fraction before he let go and pocketed his hands. “I moved around a lot when I was younger. You learn to adapt pretty quickly so you don’t stand out.”

“I’d change that,” Monoma quipped. “You don’t make it big here unless you do stand out. Isn’t that right, Midoriya? Still stuck in Todoroki’s and Bakugou’s shadows with that faulty quirk of yours?”

Despite being called out, Midoriya didn’t seem any less pleasant. “We’re all working toward the same goals. Things will be different later on when we’re pros.” Honestly, Ryouta didn’t know how he could manage to be friendly and not sound fake. Maybe he’d get some of the tension he must be feeling out when the classes fought each other. “Besides, you won’t be saying that the next time our classes square up.”

Monoma considered Midoriya for a moment before turning back to Ryouta, who could only add a smirk to Midoriya’s comment. “I can tell you’ll fit in with Class A nicely. All they have going for them are their egos and some bad luck.” Monoma stopped when someone calling his name made him look back. A girl with a red-haired ponytail was heading their way, a disapproving frown on her face. He turned back around to give them a mocking salute goodbye and a huge grin. “See you around, Todoroki!”

Ryouta was well-practiced in not exploding on the spot, but it had been a while since someone had called him that. Mina had asked beforehand and everyone else had called him by his given name like Aizawa had told them to when he had first stepped into Class 1-A. Even when he’d been in GE, his classmates and teachers had referred to him by his given name. His mom’s surname wasn’t really his. He hadn’t felt attached to it enough to go by it and didn’t have any strong feelings about his given name either.

Being called Todoroki though… That stung bitterly. He clenched his hands into fists at his side, willing his quirk to die down. A hint of smoke trickled out from between his fingers as his palms heated up, but then he let out a sigh and relaxed. His quirk went dormant. Crisis averted.

“He’s kind of an ass, isn’t he?” Ryouta prompted, turning to face his brother and Midoriya.

“A fairly harmless one,” Shouto replied, although his eyes followed Monoma as he greeted the red-haired girl with a loud laugh. She looked one second away from smacking him upside the head, but instead glanced at them curiously and caught eyes with Ryouta. A moment later, they were both walking away.

“You handled him well though,” Midoriya offered as they got back in line. “You were more confident.”

Ryouta snorted. He didn’t feel like it. His whole body and mind were still exhausted from having such an honest conversation with Natsuo. If the lesson for the hero class today was a practical one, he was going to get his ass handed to him. He knew that whoever was teaching it would let him sit out if he asked, but he couldn’t afford to fall any further behind than he already was. These kids had nearly a full year of experience over him. His father’s harsh training was the only reason he was capable of competing.

Oh, look, it finally came in handy. His dad would be so pleased.

It made Ryouta feel sour. This was just one more thing Endeavor was right about. Still, circumstances aside, he was in the class now. That meant he also had the chance to prove him wrong about something. He would be good. He could do great things. He’d prove everyone wrong, including himself.

After lunch, the rest of the day went surprisingly well. Maybe the universe had finally decided that he’d had enough. Despite the rocky start, the remainder of the lunch period itself was uneventful. The others were content to let him sit quietly and drift off. The group chatted excitedly about exams and how they planned to spend their break in between school years, two topics that he could gracefully bow out of without losing face.

He was anxious about the hero class, but it wasn’t as bad as he’d feared. Instead of a harsh lesson in heroics, they focused on quirkless hand-to-hand combat again. With two extra lessons from Uraraka (the first one with Mina and the second with Midoriya) under his belt, Ryouta could honestly say that he’d improved. It probably also didn’t hurt that he was paired up with Kaminari, who clearly had not taken the time to work on his combat skills outside of school.

“Jeez, Ryouta,” Kaminari whined while he rubbed his nose. “Where did you learn that move from? I thought you said you couldn’t fight.”

“You can thank Uraraka,” Ryouta replied with a laugh. He was still tired and distracted, which was how Kaminari had actually landed a punch to his gut, but it felt good to one-up someone. Even if Kaminari wasn’t much of a fighter, he had still been in the hero course for a full year. He hadn’t learned to take as many punches to the gut and face as Ryouta though, which meant that he couldn’t bounce back as quickly.

Kaminari pointed at Uraraka. “Traitor!”

“You could’ve come to the lessons too,” Uraraka sweetly shot back as she wiped the sweat off her brow.

“I did invite you,” Mina added a second before she snatched Sero by the arm and threw him over her shoulder. The poor boy yelped in surprise right before the wind was knocked out of him when he hit the ground. Ryouta hadn’t realized how much everyone relied on their quirks in the hero course until they couldn’t use them. He’d struggled with fighting, but he knew how to evade and get out of grips without using his quirk better than half the class.

Judging by the way he was able to hold his own against Shoji, Bakugou certainly didn’t have a problem fighting without his quirk, but Ryouta thought it was obvious that he would’ve preferred to use it. He knew the signs of someone struggling to hold back a quirk when he saw them. The frustration was evident in the way Bakugou grit his teeth and repeatedly flexed his fingers. It was difficult not to explode when that was all you did.

Ryouta wasn’t sure how much gas he had left in the tank, but being a hero meant pushing yourself past that limit. It meant going beyond. If he used this class as a distraction, he could keep going. He had to focus on what he was doing, focus on the techniques that he’d practiced repeatedly, which meant that he couldn’t think about what had happened. He didn’t have time to think about the fact that his family had thought he’d killed himself or his father had tried to erase him from their lives afterward. He hadn’t even let them mourn him for long.

Had he even been bothered? Had it upset him in the slightest? Had he felt any shame or guilt over what he’d done, or had he just written it off as a sign of Ryouta’s weakness?

His distraction earned him another blow to the side, which made him grunt and grit his teeth. Kaminari cheered at getting another hit in, only to yelp when Ryouta lunged to make a counterattack. It was a sloppy move, one that Uraraka would’ve been able to turn against him easily, but Kaminari was caught off guard and ended up tripping over his own foot and falling on his ass.

Kirishima paused in his fight with Deku to put his hands on his hips and shake his head. “Dude, you’ve seriously got to get better at fighting if you’re gonna be a hero.”

“Not everyone is like you or Bakugou!” Kaminari exclaimed. “Just look at me: I’m not a fighter. I wasn’t built for a back alley brawl.”

Ryouta snorted and waved a hand at himself. “And you think I am?”

Deku shook his head. “I wasn’t a fighter either for the longest time, but I had to learn.”

It was true that, at a glance, Midoriya didn’t look like he was into hand-to-hand combat, but Ryouta had learned the hard way that that wasn’t the case. Under his school uniform and short ass tie, Deku might not have been as defined as Bakugou, but he packed a powerful punch and even stronger kick. Being on the receiving end of that had not been fun. He’d thought he might have to go see Recovery Girl, but the idea of facing her wrath again was too much of a deterrent. He was fine.

Holding out his hand, Ryouta added, “If you can’t fight, you should at least learn to dodge better.” When Kaminari accepted his hand, he pulled him back up to his feet. “Trust me. You get your ass kicked enough, you figure out how to dodge, duck, and roll.”

While Kaminari eyed him oddly, Bakugou snorted and called out, “Sounds like running away to me.”

Ryouta shot him an unimpressed look. “You can’t expect to win every fight. Sometimes not fighting is the best option out of a bunch of shitty ones. You might not like it, but if it’s a fight to the death or not fight and live another day, I’ll take the latter.”

Bakugou sneered at him. “That’s a coward’s move.”

“It’s the smart one,” Ryouta insisted.

For a moment, Bakugou didn’t respond. He and Shoji had paused their fight while the former examined Ryouta closely. It was the calmest he had ever seen Bakugou when facing him, although he was breathing heavily from the sparring. Even without multiplying his arms with his quirk, Shoji had the upper hand. That didn’t seem to bother Bakugou right now. He looked like he thinking hard on something.

“A hero can’t afford to give up,” Bakugou finally said. “We have to fight and keep on fighting even after there’s nothing left. Because if we stop even for a second, the villains can win.” Ryouta clenched his jaw but didn’t argue this time. Like it or not, Bakugou had a point. Every time he’d run away from his dad, hadn’t his old man won? “Maybe it is a smart move sometimes, but only villains run away from a fight they can’t win.”

“Yeah, but then the villain is alive to fight again while the hero is just dead,” Ryouta said unthinkingly. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Uraraka and a few others wince while Midoriya frowned. Shouto wasn’t looking at him and Iida looked rather troubled. Oh, that was the wrong thing to say. He cringed. He hadn’t meant for it to sound like he was identifying with villainous actions, but, well…

Ryouta had been forced to learn to avoid fighting in order to survive and make things more tolerable. He hadn’t always listened to his own lessons. Sometimes he fought back - a few times he even won on some level - but the times that he lost had been excruciating lessons in themselves. Black eyes took longer to heal than most people realized and burns were even worse.

In an attempt to make things lesson awkward, Kaminari cleared his throat and pointed out, “I don’t have to worry about fighting or not fighting though. I wouldn’t have to fight when I can just stun them with my quirk.” He let out a little jolt of electricity around his fingertips. “I can shock anyone the second they touch me.”

Aizawa glared at him from across the gym. “There is a chance you will be placed in situations where you either can’t use your quirk or it’s unavailable to you. What will you do then?” He didn’t need to activate his quirk for everyone to feel as if they were at an even greater disadvantage. He had an aura about him that vaguely reminded Ryouta of his father: how he could just stare you down and you’d feel like you had done something wrong or he was stronger than you. For some reason, it didn’t feel nearly as threatening when coming from him. Maybe that was the wrong word. Frightening?

Not that Ryouta was afraid of his father anymore. He was too old for that, too tired and done.

After looking at the clock, Aizawa folded his arms across his chest and sighed in what might’ve been relief. He looked ready to curl up for an afternoon nap. “That’s enough for today. Class dismissed.”

Any tension created by the prior disagreement bled out as everyone left the gym and headed back to the dorms, although Ryouta couldn’t shake the feeling that some of it lingered. He’d hit a sore subject without meaning to, letting his mouth get the better of him. He should have kept it shut, but thanks to distracted and exhausted he was from all that had happened today, he hadn’t been thinking straight. Hell, he hadn’t been thinking at all. He had just said whatever came to mind. Sometimes he really wished that he had a better filter. Most days he was good about watching what he said, but there were moments when he blurted out things that he knew would get him in trouble.

The problem was that Ryouta didn’t know what he could say to fix things or even if there was anything to fix. He glanced at Kaminari, who shrugged his shoulders before then jogging over to speak with Mineta. It made Ryouta feel oddly rejected, which immediately irritated him. These kids weren’t his friends. They weren’t obligated to be nice to him or to reassure him whenever his insecurities started to creep up on him.

No, they were going to be heroes and sooner or later, once this quirk wore off, he’d be back to being a villain.

Iida clearing his throat snagged his attention. “Ryouta, are you alright? You look…”

“I’m fine,” Ryouta flatly interrupted before Iida could decide exactly what he looked like. It wasn’t likely to be good. He shoved any anger he felt into a box and kicked it aside. He didn’t even know what he was angry about or who he was angry with. Himself? For being a complete idiot? For destroying his relationship with his siblings and making them mourn a piece a shit? For coming back and still failing to understand simple concepts? He’d felt like he was bouncing back from this morning, then he had to go and say something stupid and make things awkward.

Iida’s frown said that his two-word answer was not satisfactory. “Are you sure? You don’t look fine, if I’m being honest. If there’s something you need to talk about-”

“I don’t need to talk about anything,” Ryouta interrupted, his tone much more heated than he’d planned and his quirk rising to match it. He smashed it back down. The last thing he needed was for his quirk to flare up. It might be taken as a threat. “I said I’m fine, so I’m fucking fine.” He rubbed his face and let out a breath. What he needed to do was calm the fuck down. “It’s just been a long day. After talking with Natsuo... I’m tired.”

“You should’ve taken the rest of the day off after that,” Iida told him, seemingly nonplussed by Ryouta’s outburst. “It’s equally important to take care of your mental health as it is to focus on school.”

Ryouta began to laugh, only to stop himself midway to huff out a breath that, somehow, managed to sound sarcastic. Where would he be if someone had gone out of their way to make sure he did that the first time around? He had been too busy pushing himself - going plus ultra - to focus on anything else, certainly not his mental health. It wasn’t like he’d ever been taught that during his training with his father. It had never been an important factor in his life. Go figure.

You push until you break. You burn until there was nothing but ash left. You pull yourself back together. You do it all over again. Like some messed up phoenix.

“I’m already ridiculously behind when it comes to the hero course,” Ryouta said, going for a different approach. He was frustrated for a lot of reasons. This one he could be honest about without feeling like he was revealing too much of himself. “I don’t want to go into the second year feeling like I’m dead weight - if they keep me around for the second year at any rate.”

“They will,” Iida reassured him. As if it were easy to believe. Being optimistic either came naturally to him or he wrangled it through sheer will alone. It seemed impossible to Ryouta. “In the time you’ve been with us, you have shown every effort at improving yourself.”

Was it enough though? Only time would tell. The weeks between the school years would be long ones.

That was, of course, assuming that the de-aging quirk didn’t wear off.

When they rounded the corner and Height Alliance came into view, Iida gamely offered, “If you want, we can go over some of the heroics coursework before dinner.”

Ryouta looked over to Shouto, who was talking with Midoriya about something just out of earshot. His brother wore his usual impassive expression, but there was something distant about his gaze that made him frown. He was thinking about something else. A lot had been dropped on them today. Ryouta had to remind himself that he wasn’t the only one getting his world rocked by this whole mess. With him in his class now, Shouto’s life outside of school was getting dragged into it. Both of them were extremely private people. It was an uncomfortable situation for both of them.

“Honestly, I think I’m gonna take a nap,” Ryouta finally responded. “I don’t think I have anything left in me today.”

“It’s good to be able to recognize when you’re at your limit and know when to take a break,” Iida told him, nodding his head in understanding. “Just don’t sleep through dinner!”

“Don’t worry.” Ryouta pat his stomach. “As nauseous as I might be, I’ll wake up to eat.”

Despite the fact that he hadn’t fully used his quirk today, it still seemed to burn right through him. No matter how much he ate as a kid, he was never capable of putting on weight. He would eat twice as many vegetables as Natsuo and finish off the milk every time in an attempt to grow taller, but nothing ever seemed to work. Even though he’d managed to build up somewhat over the past few years, it still left him thin. It had been frustrating. It probably didn’t help that he got sick a lot on top of eating a bunch. His body was so damn counterintuitive.

Before they could follow Midoriya and Shouto inside, Iida paused, which made Ryouta stop as well. After a brief moment of deliberation, Iida put a hand on his shoulder, stilling him completely. “Remember: it’s okay to stop to take care of yourself. No one will judge you for that. I know you feel like you have to prove something, but that doesn’t mean you have to push yourself past your limit every day.”

“Isn’t that what you all strive to do in the hero course though?” Ryouta asked.

Iida hesitated and then said, “Yes, but we haven’t gone through what you have.” It was a touch more personal than Ryouta had been expecting, hitting him like a soft blow and taking away any urge to argue. Whereas he was used to Shouto being able to read him and Midoriya seemed to be more perceptive than most kids his age, he was caught off guard by Iida picking up that something was wrong. Maybe he shouldn’t have been. Iida was intelligent and had clearly been paying attention. “Besides, we all take time to ourselves to recover as well. It’s an important step in becoming a hero.”

Ryouta rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

Looking somewhat affronted, Iida pulled his hand away. “I’m serious-”

“I know you are. It’s just…” Ryouta gave him a weak smile. “Anyone ever tell you that you’re super intense?”

It was strange to see Iida come close to blushing. He wore a strange look on his face as he furrowed his brow and rubbed the back of his neck. “A time or two, yes. Uraraka thinks it’s funny.”

“It kinda is,” Ryouta admitted. “I appreciate the pep talk though. Thanks.” He opened the door and stepped into the building. “Wake me up if I’m not down for dinner?”

“Of course.”

When Ryouta walked into the common area, he finally managed to connect eyes with Shouto. It was only for a second, but he smoothed out his face and gave a short nod. Despite the fact that his brother’s expression barely changed, he could somehow read his relief in the way he stopped holding his impassiveness together as tightly.

With that done, Ryouta headed for the elevator so he could go to his dorm. Just as he’d told Iida, he planned on taking a nap. Even with his mind running a hundred miles per hour, he knew that he’d pass out within seconds of collapsing on his bed. A dreamless sleep would be nice, but he had a sinking suspicion that he wouldn’t get that lucky. He’d put on the quirk inhibitor braces just to be safe. Sometimes it wasn’t possible to fight your demons; sometimes you had to work around them instead. It was a lesson these hero kids would have to learn one day, as everyone did. He learned it out years ago.

@mistystarshine notes: So I don't really have much in the way of notes this time. This chapter was actually supposed to be the beginning of next chapter, as in the first part of multiple, but then the madness took hold of Lanni. It's my own fault for hogging Ryouta for so long. And I'm about to do so again. But I'm back to writing non-chronologically (despite it being for the same chapter) so she won't need to wait for me to finish to write. Besides... I have a feeling you guys won't protest new content. Also, as of chapter 202, we are one step closer to needing to come through this bitch to change his name to Touya. Yay because canon Tododabi, but also W O E, editing.

[kitto-toberu-sa]

Sailor Moon The Super Live Report - September 7th (first performance, musical note team)

Place: Aiia Theatre Placement: Row 8, Seat 32 (first row, second block, roughly middle)

Show part Not gonna lie, the only reason why I went a third time was because of Chiyuu. Kasai Tomomi, former member of AKB48, is Sailor Moon this time. I’m not even that big of a fan of hers, tbh, she’s done some stuff I really don’t agree with in the past, but she’s besties with one of my fave singers and her last album was LIT. So hopefully this is her new STAR-T.  

This performance turned out to be my favourite of the three. The seats were the best, the high touch was the best (partly because I went to the previous high touch), vocals were on point, Chiyuu was great and so many other things.

To start with, they open the doors an hour before show time. You then need to wait in the lobby for half an hour before they let you into the seating area. So there I was, chilling in the lobby, when two older ladies come up and talk to a staff member after being introduced by another staff member. Jaws dropped. It was the original voice actresses for Jupiter and Venus!

They were standing less than a meter from me! It was honestly so surreal?? They were dressed casual and just chatted normally before going off to the side to wait like everyone else. Rica (Venus) had a ridiculous amount of Venus merch on her, which was honestly adorable. She also responded to me on twitter later <3 (Speaking of which, I commented on Kunzite’s insta twice and got responses both time. She seems lovely, so please support her too!)

As a quick cast comparison, personally I like this group’s vocals. I haven’t checked but they probably are more musically trained. Chiyuu was an idol for six years or so, and is still continuing her solo career, so it’d kinda make sense if the note team was made of those with a musical background. I did think the vocals were a bit more towards “we’re senshi” side; the heart team was more “we’re teenagers who moonlight as senshi” type vocals (lighter? I guess? Higher pitched?). However, all of the vocals were a lot more stable in this team, with none of the mic issues etc of heart team.

I still prefer Sena as Venus. She was a lot more bubbly, while also being able to do the senshi side well. This Venus had very little reaction to Kunzite’s death. Though I did notice this time that the rest of the senshi appear to get their memories back at this time too. Jupiter really stood out this time around. You could see she was putting her absolute all into it and I can really respect that. This Mercury was also really great. Her voice was just sweet enough, but had the power heart team’s Mercury lacked. As a whole, this cast seemed less nervous and more confident, and smiled a lot more often.

Kasai as Moon was AMAZING! The other Moon stuck to the script, but Kasai kept adding in natural sound? I guess? She made the dialogue flow more, by adding a few extra words or cried more or whatever. It made it seem less like a play, and more real. She definitely got the dreamy side of Usagi down, and she held the confidence of Moon against Beryl, which I adored. She was honestly the perfect Usagi and I’m so glad she was able to have this opportunity. If this is released on dvd (note, no camera at shonichi or tonight, but there was a camera for the last show of heart team), I hope they release a version with her team <3

There were pretty much no mistakes from this cast. They seem to have improved on everyone else’s mistakes. This isn’t just the cast – the crew has done this as well. For example, where the classmates are zombified, they’ve had more glow in the dark components to their costumes. There were no mic issues. There was no issue with the sheet/Beryl’s dark energy.

The only mistake came from Tuxedo Mask. He couldn’t get the veil into Usagi’s hair. In the end he was like ‘well who cares lmao’ and put it on one of the horses lmaoooo Oops, sorry, another lie. Moon accidentally turned the moon rod on for a brief second. I still think the rod should have been painted so it wasn’t as ugly and it should have been kept on tbh. Overall, it was a flawless performance.

As for the differences in the performance, apart from Usagi being more vocal in the best way’s possible, it was essentially the same show. There was still no dialogue from the leaving students, though Haruna stamped her feet, in what I’m assuming is a “Usgai get your butt out of this classroom NOW” type thing. Shame, because that bit of ‘see you’ ‘oh we have homework’ type thing did the same as Usagi – make it more human and natural.

I’m going to be biased and say my favourite part was when Usagi runs through the audience at the start yelling that she’s late. I currently have blue hair, so I stick out, and I was right where she runs past. When she’s running, she talks to a few audience members. Standing out, she pointed at my necklace.

“Wow! That necklace is cute! How much was it?” Me: -doing my best goldfish impression because Kasai Tomomi si ridiculously cute in person and talking to me?????- “WOW! A million dollars?! EXPENSIVE!”

She then ran off, remembering she was late. (All of this was in Japanese.)

So considering she was the reason I came, I more than feel like I got my money’s worth from this show XD

Song part Same same. But different.

This cast definitely had a much more powerful La Soldier, but I liked heart team’s Otome no Policy better. Their voices were softer and a lot better for the more emotional songs imo.

For Moonlight Densetsu, when they were walking around the audience, I managed to get high fives from all of them bar Moon and Mask~

Mercury came by first briefly, followed by Venus iirc, then Jupiter (she’s got such a nice smile!~) and then Mars. Mars kinda dragged her hand so it was a long high touch haha

At the end of the show, they release a bunch of streamers? I’ve honestly never seen the point of grabbing them because what do you do with them?? But I grabbed one that night. Lucky I was so quick because a staff member came up straight away to snatch them away lol

(But what do I do with it..?)

The crowd was really interesting. A lot of the crowd was male, and there for Tomomi (a lot of female fans were too). However, a lot of the dudes had no idea what Sailor Moon was meant to be about (beside magical girl) so while waiting before the show (which started 15 minutes late? Everyone was getting low key annoyed) and after, waiting for the high touch, a lot of girls were trying to explain to these middle aged business men what the show was about. So shout out to the Sailor Moon community for being cool with new people coming into the fandom, even if it is for just a moment.

High Touch The line up was Jupiter, Mercury, Mask, Moon, Mars, Venus.

I barely had any time with Jupiter, but she has a pretty smile so who cares. I told her today was great and she was happy with that. Mercury commented that we had the same colour hair so I stan her for life now. She’s so cute! Mask remembered me from the other day~ (I mean, how many blue haired foreigners have come to see the show?? ;;;) There was a little bit of a hold up, so I was able to hold her hand~ I told her today was amazing and I’d continue to support her, and the returning smile I got killed me.

Tomomi also remembered me! “Oh! It’s you from earlier!” Again, told her it was great and I’d support her. She looks so good as Moon? Like, really natural. I forgot how short she was tho ;; She’s a good 12cm shorter than me lol

Mars was so cool and kind too. Same for Venus, but as much as I liked her, Sena is the only Venus for me. Sorry!

Tonight I got Mars as my bookmark thing, so I’m super happy! Overall, this experience was fun! Tonight was an amazing night, and Chiyuu did such a great job as Moon, so I’m sure by closing night she had it seriously nailed. The whole three times were great fun, and I had debated getting a forth ticket. Not only is that slight overkill, but the rest of the shows were only giving goods away, so not worth it. But a great night was had and I’d highly recommend the show. Go see them in France if you can!

Summary Enjoyable: 5/5 Worth the ticket price: 5/5 Re-watchable: 4/5 If this was sold on dvd, would I buy it: 4/5

[dark-unimaginably-stupid-kids]

Hallura Draft

FUCK IT. Have a Hallura bit because I actually kinda had to re-read the first part of it to get back to writing the rest. Members of the old BKE have read /pretty much all of this/ so like. why not.

To the anon who requested this? I’msososorryI’mamess.I’lldobetter! Ihope... ;A;

In which Hunk and Allura have a bit of conversation over milkshakes one night.

It was one of those nights where the weight of the universe was too heavy for five pairs of shoulders.

Hunk knew this because he wasn’t the only one still up. He’d initially gone to look for Lance, but when he knocked on his bedroom door Lance didn’t answer. He knew he was awake because the music was too loud for Lance to be asleep, but given how the day had gone, Hunk figured Lance might have wanted to be alone.

He didn’t bother knocking on the next door, Keith was away with the blade still and Hunk had it on good authority that Keith no longer slept as easily as he used to claim either.

Pidge was awake too of course, but she was always awake. She was in the green hangar where she usually was with two laptops and her tablet thrumming through information at computer speeds like the Brainiac child she was.

He’d run into Coran shuffling around aimlessly, mumbling about how he should have been sleeping and how he was going back to his quarters to try again.

He briefly considered checking on Shiro but decided that of all the inhabitants of the castle ship, Shiro was probably the only one of them who might manage to sleep tonight. It has been an odd turn of events, but if he had travelled down the hall to Shiro’s room he would have found he’d been right and that Shiro was knocked out, entirely unaware of the nerves buzzing around keeping his teammates up.

And finally, he wasn’t going to look for Allura. Because Allura was a princess who should not be bothered and who’s room Hunk had never tried to locate in the massive ship because what business did he have to ever look for said room?

He wished Matt was on board. The guy was fun and distracting and when Lance was in one of his moods (Hunk swore, just because Lance had inherited Keith’s Lion did not mean he had to inherit the stand off-ish attitude as well) Hunk could almost find some solace in the older Holt sibling. But alas, he wasn’t there, and Lance’s music was a bad sign, and Pidge was distracted, and Keith was gone, and Shiro was asleep, and Allura was still just so many eons away from him really—

So he went to the kitchen. Maybe he could figure out something fun to cook for his frazzled team in the morning. It would at least be a helpful use of his time. Except, someone else already had this idea.

“P-princess!”

“Hunk!” Allura shrieked and her knee slipped on the cabinets she’d just been climbing on to reach something on the higher levels. She lurched forward and very nearly smashed her head into the bottom of said cabinet had Hunk not rushed forward, snaking an arm around her waist and holding her steady.

“Whew!” He breathed in relief while she made a smaller surprised noise, her eyes wide and staring at the offending kitchen fixture.

“You okay?” He asked finally, slowly loosening his hold as she carefully regained her balance.

She looked a little embarrassed but otherwise unharmed. She shook her head and smiled one of her “I’m clearly a princess and thus absolutely perfect” smiles at him as he backed away.

Ah god, he held her. That was going to take a while to get over. Her waist was tiny and dipped beneath his hand and she was warm and her slim back felt nice against his chest and her hair smelled nice.

Of course everything about her was perfect that way. She was a goddamn space princess. She was bloody cosmic royalty. Maybe Hunk was being ridiculous but despite being on the same team with her, Hell, both of them being support players on Team Voltron, he always had it in his head: she’s a princess. Like a real life asleep for ten thousand years crown and castle princess and she was way too good for him.

N-not that she was ever intended to be for him, he wasn’t interested in her like that. That’s neither here nor there that’s— Okay.

Back up.

Scratch that.

Scratch all of that.

She was a princess. That made her infinitely better than the common folk. That was all. Sure, she was cool and a little dorky at times and she never held herself above anyone despite how easily she could. Really, technically, given that her parents were dead, she should by all intents and purposes be considered a Queen, not a princess. So, she was even higher in station than he’d initially thought, really.

Oh boy.

She was looking at him as if she’d said something.

He must have missed it while he was panicking. “Sorry?”

She laughed, the kind of laugh that feels like feathers in your stomach and she motioned for the cabinet. “I was looking for that machine you used the other day, the blender? I can’t seem to locate it.”

He blinked at her, considering for a moment, “... the blender? Do you even know how to use a blender?”

Just because Hunk was common folk who couldn’t exactly marry the princess in the fairytale did not mean he couldn’t question her at every turn. ‘Twas the right of the citizen to question their monarch!

She looked sheepish again, “Ah. Well. You see... I was hoping I’d figure it out.”

He rolled his eyes and shuffled his way into one of the lower cabinets, pulling out the machine he’d acquired from one of their trips to the space mall.

“You’re trying to make yourself a milkshake, aren’t you princess?”

She went pink.

“Even knowing where the milk comes from.”

She went pale.

It was pretty funny how fast and how clear her reactions were. He wondered if he was ever that see-through. Probably not. He was pretty good about remaining aloof about most things.

“W-well Pidge assured me it was a perfectly normal human practice to... milk a... cow. So. I figured... what’s the harm! Right?” She smiled again, making his chest feel a little lighter while he released a long puff of air as if he was reprimanding her when he really just couldn’t handle how adorable she could be. Finally, he turned around and walked over to the fridge to retrieve the ingredients, including the offensive milk itself.

“I’ll make it for you, I can’t sleep anyway.”

She beamed at him and clasped her hands together next to her cheek, “Thank you Hunk! I do appreciate it. If you need a hand with anything, please don’t hesitate to ask me.”

Hunk scoffed.

Help making a milkshake. Sure princess.

He waved her off and she took an extremely attentive seat at the table. Honestly, she might as well have been taking notes the way she watched him so closely. When he was done she’d probably be able to make it herself. She reminded him of himself, watching his moms dance around their kitchen.

“I used to do it too.” He mumbled idly.

She blinked and leaned across the table, “do what Hunk?”

“Watch, study, like you are now. My moms are excellent cooks. They taught me everything I know.” He nodded.

She opened her mouth to respond but he held up a hand to hold her back as he started the blender. It was quieter than the one back home but it was still loud enough it would have made hearing her respond a bit difficult. When it was done he got to work on setting them nicely while Allura spoke.

“Moms? Did you not have a father?”

Hunk shrugged, “nah, didn’t need one. Besides, Ma had a few uncles who would teach me how to play sports and junk. It’s really not a big deal.”

Allura raised a brow at this but simply leaned back on her stool, her legs tightening to keep her in place. He wondered how she could keep her balance so nicely. “I understand you humans have a sort of… small family organization. We Altean, we’re more like the saying... where multiple people from different places come together to raise the young.”

“It takes a village?” Hunk offered.

Allura nodded, “yes, that’s the phrase. I was seen to by my mother, family associates, Coran, and of course my father.”

Hunk blinked at her for a long moment, unsure if he wanted to ask if she was sure that was all Altean or just her, given the whole “princess” status. Instead he decided on a different question but she continued before he could ask. “I simply can’t imagine growing up without a father.”

At that, Hunk rolled his eyes, about to come back with “and I can’t imagine how anyone survives without a second mom” (because his parents were perfect and he never ever understood his classmates yelling about their psycho moms. Hell, Lance came in to class once bitching about how his mom had thrown some small island sized fit over Veronica’s being out late and it had utterly astounded Hunk that someone could even have the gall to be annoyed by a mom. Moms are just perfect okay?)

But once again, decided against it, knowing Allura meant no harm and she was just missing her father as she had a tendency of doing. So he steered the conversation away, “were you not that close to your mother?”

Allura blinked, almost as if she had no idea how to answer that question. He handed her the finished milkshake and she stared down at it with wide confused eyes. “I... well... honestly? If I didn’t look so much like her I might not even remember her face.”

That…was probably the saddest thing he’d ever heard. And he’d attended public school for most of his life.

“Allura…”

“But it’s alright, why don’t you tell me about your mother?”

----

annnnnnnnnnnnd that’s it. That’s what I’ve been sitting on FOREVER. Go ahead and bop me I deserve it.

[nonstop-creaty]

Take A Hint

A/N : Lol I’m so late to this I should probably said Happy New Year instead, but anyway, Merry Christmas for @littleroundpumpkin, thank you for waiting, I hope you like your gift^^

On another note, I’m sorry if there’s any mistake, I double checked everything but considering how impatient I am, I probably miss a lot. Thank you for @boku-no-secret-santa for creating the event

I have too much fun writing it, I hope you like it just as much, I actually got carried away, there’s probably a second part for this. This is based on my own hc that Shouto, beneath that cool exterior, is actually a mess of social anxiety, awkwardness, and sarcasm. Well, the main Idea is “Shouto thought he is the cool senpai while Momo is the unassuming shoujo heroine, but in reality, it’s the other way around”.

Aizawa never consider himself to be very sensitive, despite being a teacher whose job is to care for, mentallly and physically, hormon-driven teenagers. But this one, this one student make his feelings so obvious even he start to notice.

Shouto Todoroki had been, and still is, staring at Yaoyorozu Momo for the past ten minutes. The kid probably thought he were being subtle, but there’s no subtlety in the way he ogle Yaoyorozu. Worse, Yaoyozu is conscious of his gaze, and every now and then she will glance back, their eyes will meet and both of them will go red, awkwardly tearing their gaze apart from each other. Give them five minutes of sitting normally before the whole thing repeat again. It’s annoying just to watch them.

Those two are damn lucky they get the back seat, hardly anyone notice their eyes smexing, otherwise they’re in for some heavy teasing from their classmates.

He toured the class, while supervising his student, when he reached Todoroki’s seat, he whispered, voice low so only Todorki can hear him, “It’s not nice to stare.”

Todoroki went slightly red, he barely missed the spark of fire in his left hand. When he turn his back on Todoroki, he stiffled down a laugh, while Yaoyorozu shifted her gaze between the two of them in puzzlement

When Saturday come, Shouto goes to visit his mother in the hospital. His father give him an odd look before he go, but he couldn’t care less. Unfortunately, Fuyumi couldn’t come with him, she had to take her students to a study tour.

Usually, he would focus his attention to his mother, but he can’t seem to concentrate. His mind still reeling from the incident with Aizawa-sensei yesterday.

As expected, his mom notice right away, “Shouto, are you alright?”

"It's nothing, Mom, really. I just got distratcted." He mumbled with a heavy sigh. He regret his words as soon as they left his mouth. He glance at his mother his guess was right, he had made her worried, his mother immediately straighten up, eyes suddenly alert and serious, "Is something bothering you?"

When he didn't answer, she further press on "Shouto, tell me."

Shouto glance up, hesitating for a bit, "Well, there's this girl in my class that--"

"A girl?" she shrieked, incredulous. The tension in the air dissolved as quickly as it came. He nodded, fully expecting her to guide him throught this unknown journey of understanding woman, but all hope left him when his mom (his last ace card) laugh at his face. It’s not the graceful kind of laugh either, it’s full blown snort.

"It's not that big of a deal--"

"It is!!" She insisted, "What is she like? I want to know."

Shouto sighed, a little bit overwhelmed by the questions. "She's kind..." He began, trying to recall Yaoyorozu in his mind, her encouraging words towards everyone, the way her eyes lit up with excitement, her smile, "Beautiful..."

He like her smile, and he was lucky that she was generous with them, even to him, and he can’t help but smile too even when he just remembering them.

He suddenly remember that he’s not alone in the room, and that he was smiling by himself, outwardly. He immediately cover his mouth with his hand, looking away while fake coughing awkwardly(which really doesn’t fool anyone).

When he look back at his mom, she give him a look that disturbingly resembles a lenny face. Her expression is so smug, and he actually feel kind of scared.

“You’re smitten.” She said, her tone suggest the statement is unarguable.

He really doesn’t know what to say to that, “Smitten??”

“Head-over-heels in love or into-her—” she waved her arms nonchalantly, “—or whatever you kids called it this day.”

There’s ten seconds silent, the words didn’t quite registered to his brain, but when they do, his heart make a jittery move, and the room’s temperature went up. He felt really silly now. The answer is right in front of his eyes and he can’t even figure it out by himself, but then again, he’s probably the most dense when it comes to feelings...and stuff that come up with said feelings.

This new discovery doesn’t sit well with him, “.....you’re right.”

She give him a ‘of-course-I-am-right’ kind of look. Shouto put his hands on the sides of his head and let out a long, suffering sigh, “What am I gonna do?”’

This is the first time that he feels romantic love for someone. The cogs in his brain start working faster than usual, popping question that really doesn’t help him, reminding him he’s not in the best place to start a relationship, with his hero training, his father, and everything else in between (Does he want to start a relationship?? (Actually, yes, he wants to start a relationship, give it a go, so to speak) (but right now??) (Does Yaoyorozu want to??) (maybe she’s not going to say yes, he’s getting ahead of himself (yeah but come on), he can’t even imagine what his father would say to him (not that he really care either way) and does he even have the time??

“It could hindrance my hero training.”

There’s an instant shift in the air. The atmosphere become tense, his mother made no comments to his statement, choosing silence, on her face is an unreadable expression that makes him nervous.

After a minute that feels like forever, her eyes trained to her son, “Shouto...” she took his hand, sliding her fingers between his, her lips curved upward “Is she a burden to you?”

No, of course not, she’s actually a great help. Always lending him a hand whenever he needed, giving extra lessons and pointers when there’s a particulary hard subjects, and a moral support to class 1-A in general.

“If we don’t earnestly cheer on each other, we’ll never be top heroes!”

His mother put her hands on both of his shoulder, gently shaking them. He trailed his eyes on her worried face. She dropped her hands after having a second thought, no doubt his mother thought that way of thinking had been his father influence, and her lack of mental capability to actually teach her kids what’s good for them, “I know I don’t give the best example to relationship,” her tone strained, voice low, he had to stomped down the urge to frown when he remember how his father treat her, “but relationship...while it need a lot of compromise and hard work, it’s supposed to be something fun.” She lowered her head for a moment, closing her eyes, as if forcing down regrets, when she regained back her composure, she added with a little smile, “You’re going to be spending time with the person you love afterall, what’s not fun about that?”

He nodded with a little smile, feeling a little lighter than when he first come to the room. He’s glad he talked to his mother, even if their discussion wander a little too far on the nasty lane. 

“Thanks, Mom.”

Her mother gives him a thumbs up, “Go get her, Shouto!”

The nurse come knocking on the door, telling him that visiting hour is over, reluctantly he packed his things and bid goodbye. Before he go out, she said, “Bring her here next time.”

He answered over his shoulder, in a playful tone he rarely used, “Roger, ma’am.”

And the door closed behind him.

In Shouto’s humblest opinion, he is...not actually that bad with girls. Sure, he never had a relationship before, or even just pursuing someone, but there’s plenty of female that confess to him. Which is saying something, right? So how hard can pursuing Momo be?

That’s the prep talk he’s been saying to himself for the past five minutes. After mulling for some kind of plan to get closer to her, the only thing he can come up with is to ask her to study together, that’s casual enough, right? Also, low chance of getting rejected because Momo likes to study. But he can’t actually muster the courage to ask her. It’s honestly easier said than done.

Midoriya actually offered to buy him a book on the subject, but he refuses. No matter how convincing the adverstisement is, he would not buy Stallion Way To a Maiden Heart, and that’s final.

The last bell of today’s lesson signaling the countdown to his last chance. Momo already pack all her things and ready to go to the dorm, soon enough she will be joined by Jirou and Kaminari, when they reached dorm there’s going to be so many people, not to mention tomorrow is Saturday so it’s now or never.

He stand up, facing her desk, it took awhile before she notice his gaze on her. “Todorki-san?” She set down her bag, “Do you need something?”

Shouto take a deep breath, and shoved his shaking (and slowly freezing) right hand into his pocket, “Yes, um, would you—would you mind to study together with me tomorrow? There’s some subject I’d like to ask.”

The caught her off guard. She would never expected that The Todoroki Shouto would ask for her help, and she is more than happy for the opportunity to pay him back for all his help and kindness to her. But she immediately snap out of her thought,  her hand went up to clutch the front of her uniform, he gripped her desk , restraining himself to pull squeeze her tight because she is hella adorable (in his most objective opinion).

Momo’s face break into a dazzling smile, “Of course!! I would love to help!!”

Seeing her excitement, he can’t help but smile back, mentally dancing around in victory because yesss he did it, “We should do it in a cafe or something.” He said, keeping his tone as breezy as possible, and jump in eagerness to convey how he actually feels.

Momo nodded, and he politely thank her. After the conversation finished, he tried to walk normally to the dorm, but as soon as he out of the class, he is skipping happily like a kid getting an early christmast present, with barely contained smile on his face.

 Shouto arrived almost a half-hour early from the promised time. The cafe is well-lit and a perfect place to study, as the customers around him all sipping coffee quietly while doing their work. He already order a drink and start to pour over his book (he really have a subject to ask Momo). He is blissfully waiting for her arrival when he feel his shoulder is tapped by someone. 

He turn his head, already smiling, to greed Momo, “Yaoyorozu, you’re he—“

His smiled disappeared when his gaze met a bright yellow hair and a pair of amber eyes. Huh...Kaminari??

“Todoroki-kun, you’re here early.”

The boy took a seat across him, then waved a waitress to come, much to Shouto’s dismay. Kaminari ignored Shouto’s questioning gaze.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, which come more harsly than he intended to. Luckily, Kaminari didn’t took offense at his rude demenaour.

“The same as you, I’m here to study with Yaomomo.”

“What? But we—“

“Todoroki-san!” He heard his name called, this time by a right voice, Yaoyorozu is standing at the cafe front door, smiling and waving at him.......along with Jirou and Mina.

He can only stare, dumbstruck, as the three of them walked over to the table. Jirou make a comment about how they should get the bigger table (the table Shouto pick is only for two) and so the group move to the table beside them.

Feeling a little lost, he quickly secure his place beside Momo, a little impatient to inquire her about the sudden guests that intruded their study ‘date’. Before Shouto could say anything, Momo break the silence, “Sorry, Todoroki-san, I bought these three along before telling you, they said they need help and I can’t refuse.” She give a small bow, “Beside studying is more fun together.”

His annoyance must apparent, because she quickly added in a tentative voice, ”You’re not mad, aren’t you?”

Mad is too strong of a word, more like annoyed, and ‘how-come-you-invite-other-people-this-is-a-date’ kind of feeling. But, evidently, Momo didn’t think this is a date. Even though the message had been clear. Or maybe it’s not as clear as it thought it was. Is it the way he said it? Or maybe his wording that gives impression that this is anything but a date.

Momo is looking at him with such a concerned expression until he feels guilty, he mentally clear off his negative feelings and reassure her with, “No, It’s fine.”

Her shoulder visibly relaxed, she turn to face the other three, telling them which chapter to open while he mulled over his actions and wonder just where did he messed up?

As promised, Momo teach him the subject he’s been having trouble with, and even give him insight in the upcoming material. It’s quite something how Momo able to divide her time perfectly for her four students. When the sky began to darken, they all decided to wrap this up and continue at some other time.

He purposely waited until they all said their goodbyes to Momo and decided to walk go home to their own house, as today is Saturday, and come back Monday morning for school. Which include him and Momo, too. He could still save the plan, there’s still a chance.

“Yaoyorozu,” He called, she turn her head over her shoulder, “Let’s go home together.”

Momo look falttered for a second, then her expressions turned awkward, she rub the back of her neck while looking anywhere but him, “Uh, I’m sorry, Todoroki-san, but my driver is picking me up.” 

Just then, a car (a very fancy car that he doesn’t even know the brand) stopped right in front of them, The driver come out to open the door for Momo.

“Have a safe trip home, Todoroki-san.”

There’s goes his only hope. He manage to let out a reply, “Yeah, see you Monday.”

The car door slammed shut, ten seconds later, the car roared, taking Momo away.

 On Monday morning, Jirou stop him before he even reach class.

“We ruined your date plan, huh?”

“—Ruined is an understatement—”

“—Well how am I supposed to know it’s a date? Yaomomo invited us—“

Shouto narrowed his eyes and give her a hard glare, that cut her abruptly. Jirou only fazed for a moment, her smile is back on her face, as instant as flipping a light switch.

“Clearly you suck at this.” She said, with a look clearly says she is superior than him on the subject, “Don’t worry, I’ll guide you.”

Even though she said that with confidence, it really doesn’t give him any reassurance. But he has no one to turn to, Midoriya’s last plan is to do a Shoujo Wall Slam to Momo, which he (stupidly) followed. He only got to corner her in the wall part before Momo kick him in the shin because she thinks he was testing her ability. It stopped being funny when a big, blue bruise formed on his skin. The only good thing that come out of it is Momo offered to fix his wounds, so he got to spend half an hour with her hands all over him. Otherwise, it’s a disaster.

Jirou pulled him to a less crowded corner, she looked around to make sure that they’re alone in the hallway, “Here’s the plan, you know how dense Yaomomo is, hell, she invited other people to her date. Now, what we have to do is give her a big romance move that can’t be interpreted as platonic, and by big, I mean B-I-G.”

“That logic sounds flawed.”

Jirou rolled her eyes. She make a big show of slumping her bag over her shoulder, dramatically turn around and said, , “Have fun asking Yaomomo out on your own.”

“—Hey, Jirou, wait—“

She stopped then, abrutply wheeled her body to face him, the look on her face might suggest that someone has given her a million dollar cash, and he suddenly regret his actions.

She give him a half-grin, “You’re in good hands.”

“Alright, first of all, we have to do a quick damage-control.” She begin to explain, in a tone that make Shouto think if she had a moustache, she will twirl it. Jirou start to chastised him.

“It doesn’t help how derp you are around her--” Gee, thanks, as if he hadn’t noticed, “--So just leave it to me.”

Somehow he get a bad feeling from this.

  When night  time come, Shouto had finish getting ready for bed, he had just closed his eyes when the his phone ring, jerking him awake. He half-expected it to be his sister calling (because he has no other friends) and mildly surprised when it turns out to be Jirou.

He wondered what she wants. Reluctantly, he answer it, “What?”

“Hey, Todoroki...”

“I was just going to bed.” He curtly said, the clock reads 8.30 P.M, “It already past my bed time.” and frankly, the more sleepy he is, the more grumpy he becomes.

There’s a sneer coming from the other line, “It’s not even nine yet. What are you, a baby?”

He ignored her.

“Don’t you wanna hear our plan? We spent a long time to come out with it.” The voice on the other side answers, which is not Jirou’s voice, but still familiar.

“.....Hagakure?”

“Bingo!”

Shouto resist the urge to rub his head that had started to ache (Jirou’s fault entirely), suddenly the picture of Jirou and Hagakure in the girls dorm, having a sleepover and discussing his love life (or lack of) pop up in his mind, the image both disturb and embarrass him.

He can’t keep the sarcasm out of his voice, “How nice, include more people in this, will you?”

Jirou chime in, “ You have to get permission from the whole squad if you want to ask Yaomomo out.” 

He can’t see them but he had a feeling Hagakure is solemnly nodding to Jirou’s statement, “Sorry man, we don’t make the rules.”

She’s clearly having too much fun at this.

Hagakure added, “Yeah, it’s a solidarity thing.”

Which is something that he doesn’t really want to know. Sadly, it makes no difference to Hagakure whether he is interested or not. He had to cut her mid-rant otherwise it’s dawn before you know it, “Be quick, I want to sleep.”

Ashido’s voice suddenly said, “Don’t worry, we already summarized the plan!”

He almost thought that he is imagining things because how sleepy he is, but there’s no mistaking it, that was Ashido voice. He doesn’t even know she’s there. Just how many people involved in this?

He slam the phone when Uraraka joined the conversation.

  “Why don’t you just tell everyone?” Shouto bit out. He doesn’t get enough sleep last night after that horrid phone call, which is enough to make him ten times more grumpy. Jirou is sitting in Momo’s desk (who hasn’t come to class yet), twirling her earphone jack. It’s still twenty minutes before the first bell ring, and about five minutes before Momo arrived. 

Jirou shrugged nonchalantly, “I don’t have to, everyone already knows.”

“What?”

She shrugged again, clearly not very interested in his dismay. Shouto has to resist the urge to kick her, “You hear me, everyone already knows. You kinda make it obvious.”

As if to prove her points, Bakugou snickered while looking directly at Shouto, then turn away, while Kaminari who is sitting beside him, give Shouto a pity stare (the kind you give someone when you know they’ll messed up).

Shouto only respond for the humiliation he felt is to plant his face on the table, too drowned in his embarrassement to even care. It’s nice to know that his so-called friends pop in sometimes to laugh at him. Jirou went on about “plans” (he’s not really listening), but he can’t take this much annoyance so early in the morning. Shouto sends Midoriya, who is looking at their way when getting his book from his bag, a distress signal to help him get away from Jirou (by squinting several times at him) but Midoriya doesn’t get it, he just waved at Shouto and then turn back to his book. Shouto wished his quirk is telephaty instead.

Just then, the door slides open, revealing Momo Yaoyorozu herself. She looks a bit startled finding Jirou on her desk, much more talking to Shouto, but quickly regained her grace. She greets them while setting her bag down on her desk, Jirou took that as her cue to leave, but not before giving Shouto a ridiculous comedy wink right in front of Momo. What is she thinking? If she had been a spy, she would be dead by now.

Momo just look puzzled, but too polite to ask intruding question. He had to pretend he didn’t see anything, he do’t want her to think he is on to something with Jirou. While Jirou might say that is really the case, he says otherwise. The whole ‘planning’ thing is mostly her doing her own crazy and forcibly throwing him to the mix.

Shouto wonder what Jirou is up to. She has been mentioning the word ‘plan’ several times. He just glad that they didn’t take Hagakure suggestion to change the word ‘plan’ to ‘lamp’ and ‘Yaomomo’ to ‘Mochi’, the idea is to use a code word so Momo wouldn’t get suspicious, but if they start to talk about lamp and Mochi at the same sentence, it actually make it even more suspicious and very little sense.

Shouto glanced at Momo, who is surprisingly also looking at him with stone-faced expression, as their gaze met, Shouto went red, he can feel a slight increase of temperature because of his quirk, and quickly diverted his gaze from her.

In his mind, he can hear Aizawa-sensei’s sneer.

  He found out what is exactly Jirou’s plan at night. After school, most of 1-A gathered in the common floor, doing various activities or simply just chatting.

Shouto has been chillin’ with Midoriya and Iida on the couch (Midoriya is showing them his All Might card collection), but he is interrupted when Shouto’s phone ring.

Momo’s name flashed on his screen. It caught him off guard, she never called unless it was important, could it be Jirou? He stand up a little too fast (almost knocking Midoriya’s collection) and went away from prying ears before answering it.

“Hello?”

“Todoroki-san?” He was glad to hear Momo’s voice throught the receiver, “Jirou-san said you want to meet me...?” the whole statement is a question, she sound terribly confused and unsure.

He froze, quite literally, as speckled of ice formed at his feat and hands. When he spoke, his voice low and horrified, “...what?”

“I’ve been here for five minutes and—“

“Wait there.” He cut her, ending the call. He run to her room in full speed, making him receive odd looks both from Midoriya and Iida, but he doesn’t want to make her wait.  When he reached the fifth floor, there’s no one the hallaway. He knocked on her door but no answers. He call her, Momo’s picked up at the first ring, “Yaoyorozu, where are you? I’m in front of your room.”

“Huh? I’m in front of your room.”

Bloody hell.

 The fiasco had ended peacefully, he had went up to Momo in front of his room. But he had absolutely no idea what to say to her, so he said the whole thing is Jirou’s prank (which is not far from the truth).

She looks unimpressed, “That girl—Ah, I’m sorry Todoroki-san, for involving you in this.” She bowed low.

He urged her to straighten up , “I don’t blame you in the first place.”

She become quiet, staring at him, her body language suggested that she want to say something to him. She open her mouth slightly, closed it again, and then muttered ,“Todoroki-san, you... seems really close with Jirou-san.”

He highly doubt that. If wanting to kill her and hide her body on the fridge can be categorized as ‘close’ then yes, they are.

“Yeah, kinda.” He answered vaguely, eager to keep his crime-movie-worth thought to himself. Even though he want to tattle Jirou to Momo really badly.

Momo bow her head, looking down on the floor, her eyes somber. He doesn’t know what caused the sudden change in her demeanour, so offers to walk her to her room, guessing (incorrectly) that she simply tired. He manage to bit her goodnight in natural sort of way before going back to his room to sleep, the whole thing is tiring him out, he could wait until tomorrow to kick Jirou.

 Jirou is unregretful when he confront her, “I can’t believe you blew it up.” She said, blaming him, which tickled him off greatly, Excuse you, shouldn’t I be the one who do the blaming here? 

“What do you expect me to do?” he asked, and winced when his voice sound desperate.

“Confess to her, duh.”

He really want to kick her now. He could barely order an extra fries on fast food restaurant and she thought he could confess without mental preparing first? This girl clearly not right in the head.

“You should have informed me first.” He demanded, Jirou is unapologetic, “I already tell Mina to tell you, I guess the info got lost in the proccess.”

“That’s what you got for including more people in it.”

Jirou ignore him and went on, “Even thought I have prepared the perfect timing for you.”

Which part of the plan is perfect remains a mystery to him. He could point out ten flaws at the top of his head, and that’s not even half of it. But he’s too depressed to be bothered and decided to drop the conversation and go back to class.

He spend the most part of the morning fuming on his chair, He write his notes with a little too much force than necessary. Momo (bless her soul) notice his misery and rage, she tried to question it on him. He doesn’t want to worry her so he lied and said he’s fine.

Eventually, when lunch time come, Shouto decided to get back at Jirou a little bit. He’s not low enough to really kick her (but she’s really testing his limit) but he’s petty enough to hide her pencil case. There’s two AC at the back of the class, which high enough that someone as short as Jirou can’t see  what’s on top of it.

Unfortunately, Momo caught him mid-act when he’s climbing the chair to reach the AC, apparently she left something in the class, he doesn’t have the time to hide the pencil case, so he just put it behind his back, but it was futile, as the angle he stands leave no room for secrets. She stared at the pencil case in his hand and then back at him.

“Isn’t that Jirou’s?”

He glanceed at the pencil case nervously. The weight of the case suddenly feels very heavy in his hand.

“Uh...yes.” he admitted. Shamefully bowed his head, he feels like he was ten years old again after his sister caught him spitting in Endeavour’s drink.

“You’re hiding it.” She stated, matter-of-factly. He start to feel really small under her gaze, “...yes.”

Shouto hop down from the chair and set down the pencil case on his desk, stealing a glance at Momo. He’s surprised to find her looking at him with mildly amused expression, “Is it to get back at her for yesterday?”

He nodded. She crossed her arms, smiling, “Then, I suggest you hide it in the cupboard,” she pointed at the class wood cupboard beside the teacher desk, “She never open it. Full of dust, she said.”

A huge sigh of relief come out of him. He took her advice, giving her an excited grin, and walk to the front. After the pencil case safely tucked in between books, Shouto closed the cupboard door.

Momo approached him, with slow and sure step, she clasp her hands behind her back. “Say, I’ve been wondering about this...”

Shouto’s hand went rigid, the way she said it makes a heavy drop on his stomach, similiar if anybody approached him with ‘I-need-to-speak-to-you’ phrase.

“Since when you and Jirou-san are so close, Todoroki-san?”

He relaxed instantly, it’s just that. “Hard to say,” although he can pinpoint exactly when, it’s the time she corner him in the hallway the day after Momo invited other people to their study ‘date’.

Momo hummed, she trained her eyes on him, “I always want to get close to you, Todoroki-san.”

He doesn’t know whether she mean it figuratively or literally, as she stand quite close to him, “What do you mean? We’re close now.”

Momo thought he was kidding, but she let out an exasperated sigh after seeing his unironic face, and he suddenly feel stupid, is it something that he said?

She is unnervilingly calm and collected, and she took another step closer to him, “I mean I want to get to know you better.”

His heart skipped a beat. He wants to know her better too, considering he is (as his mother put it) smitten with her. He open his mouth to answer her, but she cut him, saying words that made him forget to breathe.

“Todoroki-san, will you go out with me?”

It took him a full minute to decipher her words. Did she just....? That can’t be. No way. He must heard things wrong. But reality says otherwise, and he find himself gaped, lost for words. There’s a mad buble of laughter in his throat and he had to physically restrain himself to laugh out loud. Both from happiness and irony. Because Momo liked him, and she confess to him first (with much more grace than he could ever manage) after he spend so much time trying to do the exact same thing, Jirou would laugh at him, that’s for sure. And here he thought that he’s not all that bad with women.

It’s like a giant cosmic debt. The universe must be paying him off for making him so miserable all his life. He realized he’s been gaping like a fish for a while after Momo called his name. He snapped his eyes back to her, trying to keep his cool but to no avail, “Yes, of course, I would be happy to date you.” The words come out strained with untamed glee, but he couldn’t care less.

She take his right hand in hers, smiling in content, and muttered a soft “I’m glad.”

The magic moment broke when the door slide open abruptly, both of them jumped in surprise, quickly letting go of each other, but the intruder already caught sight of their little hand holding.

Jirou stood at the door, she is transfixed for a moment, glancing at Momo and then at him, her eyes staring at the space where his and Momo’s hand connected just a moment ago. Finally, she put two plus two and let out a freaking wolf whistle.

She looked pointedly at Shouto, “Nice to see you’re finally have the guts to confess.”

Shouto freeze, while his newly official girlfriend look shocked, she stare at Jirou, then at him and ask, “What does that mean??”

Shouto retreat back from them. Hiding her pencil case is definitely not enough, he probably has to kick her now.