#one is obligatory lord legendary

[silvergarnet12]

Hey what if they put Seliph on the tea banner and also they used some of the Fates Butler class design I think that'd be neat.

[dilatorywriting]

Monster Mayhem: Donkeys & Dragons [PART 4]

Gender Neutral Reader x Malleus Draconia Word Count: 6.7k

Summary: 'Never tickle a sleeping dragon.'

🌶️Obligatory Warning for Some Descriptions of Violence & Mild Suggestive Content

[PART 1] [PART 2] [PART 3] [PART 4] [EPILOGUE]

As detestable as they were, at the very least your assailants were well organized.

You were plopped neatly at the center of the room, in a very conspicuous location that would have made it difficult for a hypothetical someone to, say, just flat-out torch everything in sight without also catching his very tiny, mortal, companion up in said firestorm.

The group of them split off to tend to their tasks with a frankly shocking level of competence and foresight. Was this how adventurers were actually supposed to work? They didn’t just—I don’t know—saunter into an abandoned castle on a whim and a prayer, with no real end goal in sight and nothing but the perpetual bounding of a singular, shared, braincell to keep them on their toes? There was a plan? What was this madness.

“How much time do you think we have?” one of them called, busy working to set up some sort of wire trap that, in your humble ‘I have faced this legendary dragon and survived’ opinion, looked like it would do exactly diddly squat.

“Enough,” the Elf Wizard shrugged, thin arms crossed tight across his equally gaunt chest. “These vermin don’t have the same concept of time as we do. It may return soon, but we may also be waiting hours.”

Hours? Hours? You fought the urge to groan. And then remembered it hardly mattered if you did or not, because you were still trapped in a bubble of perpetual Silence, and that just made you want to groan louder.

Assumed-Rogue nodded tersely in response and continued constructing his pseudo-trap. The long, red, stripes of his sleeves were odd things—very in-your-face bold for a dude whose job you assumed it was to slip through shadows unseen. But then you noticed that the threads he was spinning were pooling from those slashes of crimson, and alright, that was fairly cool. ‘Your failure of a stealthy design gets a pass this time, good sir.’

“You’re certain this is one of the Briar Beasts, Lord Flamm?” Armored Lady piped in, busy shifting through the various swords strapped at her hip.

“Of course,” he hummed, flicking through his spell tome. “Have I ever led you astray before?”

Armored Dude snorted from his place across the room. “You’re not the issue. I just have trouble believing one of those monsters would still be alive at all after all this time.”

‘Lord Flamm’ snorted. “And why not? They’re like cockroaches—thriving through the worst of the world and gorging themselves on its corruption. This one is no different.”

Your brows twitched irritably.

Thankfully, Silence was not an indefinite spell. And after about ten minutes of muzzled misery, you felt its sticky, gauzy, gunk wash itself out of your throat.  

“I’m getting the impression that you’re really not a fan of dragons,” you said, testing your volume.

Lord Flamm stared down at you with a hawk-eyed sort of sneer. His pale, green, glare felt like a tangible thing crawling along your skin.

“They are unnatural,” he huffed after a moment. “No creature should walk the planes of this world for such a great span of time. Immortality is a perverse transgression against the sanctities of life and existence.”

“You are literally an Elf,” you replied, incredulous. His face scrunched up like you’d forced a whole lemon into his mouth, and then he dropped another dome of Silence over your head.

Another ten minutes crawled by, and words returned to your tongue.

“Don’t you think you’re being a bit hypocritical?” you hummed, casually testing the arcane restraints binding your limbs. Those seemed to hold themselves in place with a great deal more fortitude than his on-again-off-again Mute Button, which was as frustrating as it was respectable.

“It’s not nearly the same. I was born into my burden,” he sniffed.

You blinked, confused. “I mean, so was Tsunotarou.”

Elf Wizard made a punched-out sort of noise, like you’d decked him right in the spleen.

“You named the beast?” he gawked. “Like a pet?”

“Look, man,” you grouched, offended on your scaly friend’s behalf. “If anyone’s the pet here, it’s me!”

Lord Flamm’s face went white, to red, and then nearly puce.

“Wait,” you spluttered. “That came out wrong—”

And then you were gagged once more.

The next time your muzzle was lifted, Lord Flamm was already pacing along the little, invisible, edge of the spell’s cage. You cleared your throat and he came to a stop a few feet away from where you were bound.

“I can see what’s happened here,” he said, stern, and you arched a brow in disbelief. You didn’t even have any solid idea what the fuck was going on, and you’d been living it for the past few weeks. He cleared his throat and glowered down at you. “You’ve been taken in by the monster’s wiles.”

You spluttered. “Not to just keep repeating myself, but really, if anyone did the ‘accidental seducing’ thing here, it was—”

He waved you off with a puckered grimace. “That hardly matters. At the end of the day, you are still the creature’s prisoner, and it is my duty as a man of integrity to assist you however I can.”

You frowned. Because while this whole thing had technically started as a hostage situation, it hadn’t really felt like one lately. Sure, Tsunotarou still threw tantrums that shook the foundation when you’d tried to put up a makeshift bathroom door, but he also listened to all your stories with the rapt attention of someone genuinely invested in the garbage pouring out of your mouth. He tucked you into your big mattress nest at night with his scaly nose, and endured all your griping with nothing but good humor. He showed you his treasures and told you terrible, dry, jokes that you were sure you only found so funny because he certainly hadn’t meant to be.

You sighed and dipped your head, expression shuttered.

Lord Flamm stepped forward and you felt a thin, gloved, finger tuck itself beneath your chin to tilt you back up to face him.

“I will save you,” he promised, something genuinely sturdy and righteous coating the words. “If you ask it of me.”

You took a deep breath in through your nose.

“There once a man from Trebucket,” you chirped, letting the jaunty tavern melody roll off your tongue like any good Bard ought to.

Lord Flamm arched a thin brow, in equal parts amusement and exasperation.

“Who really only wanted to find the dragon so he could fuck it—”

His face twisted in rage, and to the surprise of literally no one, you were Silenced yet again. Though this one felt the most like a victory so far.

And thus, the cycle repeated itself. Every quarter hour or so, the spell would drop and you’d start babbling some sacrilegious, borderline pornographic, nonsense that had him cursing you all over again. You counted each round of mockery softly in your head. Half to keep time, half to—

Your gaze trailed past the intricate, stone, entryway and caught. Perched atop the overhang were two gargoyles. Which was quite odd, seeing as you’d spent half a month living out of this room now and had never noticed them before (and you certainly would have, what with your host’s propensity for pointing out the gothic carvings each and every time one popped up in the castle’s architecture). Not to mention, they looked an awful lot like the pair of grey monsters which had been guarding the entrance when you’d first slunk in—the very duo that you’d sworn had tracked you and your friends with beady, gemstone, eyes and dug their pointed talons through solid rock.   

Ancient buildings always seemed to have a life about them—never quiet, never still. Always settling with strange noises and shifting shadows that danced oddly along surfaces that were forever decaying. And this castle was no different. So it took you really listening, really closing your eyes tight and straining your ears against the perpetual white noise, to make out the low grinding of the Gargoyles as they shifted atop their perch and curled their sharp claws.

You tilted your head at them, curious, and the one on the left seemed to bristle. As much as stone could bristle. The one on the right very softly dipped its chin, almost like a bow. Its purple, glass, eyes flashed in the lowlight.

‘Wait,’ that look said.

And so you did, sitting straighter and at proper attention.

The group of Dragon Slayers was still milling about making preparations. Eventually, one of the two yet-unclassified hench people slunk from the room, and when your gaze slipped back to the gargoyles, the one on the right was gone.

You made eye contact with the remaining carving, and it curled its lip at you like a grumbly hound.

There was a scream from beyond the threshold, and then a great clattering of noise not unlike an earthquake, or the resonating crunch of a building crumbling at its base.

Immediately weapons were drawn, shoulders hunched in panic. Defensive magic swirled through the air like ink in water.  

“What’s going on?!—”

With a shrieking roar, the remaining gargoyle lurched forward and collided with one of the armored attackers. The impact was like a crack of thunder, and it rattled around your skull like a gong.

And with that—dragon or no—the battle against the Hunters had officially begun.

With a panicked squawk, you began worming your still very bound self out of the dead center of this tornado of chaos. You flopped across the floor like a particularly determined caterpillar, or someone trussed up a in a sleeping bag with no limbs. You made it almost a solid twenty feet before you were scooped up by the back of your collar and dropped onto your knees.  

“Not so fast, you little cretin.”

And then there was a curved knife at your throat and a set of hands trapping your own. You gulped and the blade bobbed against your chin. Stupid rogues with their stupid stealth. You grit your teeth and clenched your fists, willing the meager scraps of magic that twirled in your veins to bob to the surface. You could feel the trace rumblings of a Thunderwave reverberating down your limbs, and it was certainly no Fireball, or Lightning Bolt, but maybe it would be enough to—

There was a spray of red, red, red and the Striped Rogue at your back collapsed in a puddle of gore.

Standing over the corpse of the felled assassin was a boy. Or, well, something that very much looked like a young boy. Or, not young. Just… It was strange. He was small, slight, with a cheerful youthfulness to him. But the mirthful expression lighting his crimson eyes chilled your bones like the seeping cold from a long-forgotten tomb. It was like looking at someone with dozens—hundreds—of faces. A kaleidoscope of lifetimes. It was disorientating.

“Hello, you,” the little demon cooed. He reached out to tap a clawed finger against your forehead and the arcane binds holding your limbs shattered on impact. “Let’s get you out of here, hmm?”

Something tugged at your brain as you gaped at that mess of choppy, black-and-pink, hair, and the glittering irises that matched the blood splattered across his cheeks almost too horribly well.

“Are you… Lilia?” you asked, dazed.

“Well done, little human,” he trilled, lips curling in delight as he hauled you back to your feet. “But there will be time for proper introductions later. Let’s get you somewhere safe first, before my silly ward really does tear this whole castle down.”

“Tsunotarou is here?” you frowned, anxious. “But these people are here to kill him.”

“We’ve done our best to keep him away for as long as possible,” Lilia hummed. “But I doubt he has much more patience for skulking about in the shadows. He never did,” He sighed, long and world weary. “And I loved this old haunt so much too. I hope it survives.”

“You—” you gawked. “You’re talking about the castle?!”

“Of course,” Lilia smiled, perfectly sweet. “Swatting these pests is going to cause more damage than they’re worth to begin with—”

You were yanked out of the path of an encroaching blade, and Lilia sidestepped the pair of you smoothly to safety.

“You’re not going anywhere!” the Paladin thundered, hand whipping out to leash a whirl of vibrating, bright, magic around Lilia’s wrists. “This fight is mine! And you will have no other!”

“Ah,” your savior sighed, looking down at the faint, yellow, glow circling his skin. “Now that is a doozy.”

The great sword came down with a crash, and Lilia ducked away from the destruction with ease. He gave you a light tap on the shoulder, pushing you forward, and you felt the flush of a Haste spell nibbling at your limbs.

“Go on ahead,” he said, with all the nonchalant politeness of someone lamenting that they were going to be late for afternoon tea. “I’ll be with you in a moment.”

BOOM went the now glowing sword as it sliced through the air where your savior had been standing not a moment before.

“Do not take me so lightly, wretch,” the Paladin spat, and Lilia’s civil little smile twisted into something that sent shivers racing down your spine.

“If you insist,” he beamed, with a level of enthusiasm that was bordering on sociopathic.

You didn’t stay to see the fallout. Lilia’s orders to flee aside, you knew well enough what a cat looked like before it pounced—that smug, animalistic, satisfaction that came after deciding that it was going to play with its meal for as long as it liked. And the grinding, snapping, howling noises coming from their direction was enough to reinforce that looking back would be a very terrible idea indeed.

You’d only just made it past the threshold and out in the grand hall beyond when there came a whining groan that sounded familiarly enough like the protesting noises the banister would make whenever Tsunotarou dropped too much of his weight on top of it. You peered back into the room, and from the darkness at its rear emerged a long, thin, snout.

The Great, Ebony, Dragon slithered forth from the blackness like a snake through the grass. The sharp drag of his claws against the stone was earsplitting, and when he spread his wings behind him, he seemed to cast the entire cavern into shadow. Faster than you could blink, one, two, three of the Slayers were scooped up by those massive, pointed, teeth and tossed through the air—wherein the pair of gargoyles descended upon them like a set of well-trained attack dogs. Your dragon swiveled to spit black smoke across the rest of the echoing room and its occupants. Between the swirling smog seeping from his throat and the blackness of his wings, the brilliant, green, glow of his eyes were the only source of light in the gloom. It was all horribly eerie, but mesmerizing in a way that reminded you exactly why so many ballads and epics had been written about the terrible might of Dragons.

He reared his head back and roared. His bellowing seemed to shake the very foundation of the castle, and the sparks jumping from behind his canines bit through the smoke with harsh little pop-pop-pops. And man oh man, he reallymust have been taking it easy on you and your duo of idiots, because this would have had the three of you shitting your pants on the spot.

From there, the battle more or less became a one-sided massacre. The stone soldiers flew through the air, decimating the opponents as their master demanded. Occasionally there was a flash of pink, and then a cheerful laugh followed inevitably by a noise that was all kinds of unpleasant. And at the center of it all was your newfound friend—picking apart the opposition with all the careful rage of someone determined to sear the consequences of these Hunters’ folly into the memories of their lineages for ages to come.

And then—amidst all the quite frankly epic fighting that you would have to tell Ace and Deuce all about when they came back to visit—you noticed that not far from where you were hiding observing was a familiar, angry, gaunt face. Lord Flamm’s elaborate black and maroon robes swirled around his ankles as he paced, and he was leering at the chaos unfolding not a hundred feet away with an expression that calling murderous would have been kind.

You bristled immediately, limbs lancing through with a tight sort of indignation.

He was just—right there! Standing all the way out here! When the rest of his party was busy being chewed to itty-bitty pieces!

And sure, rationally you knew that Wizards were squishy, glass-canons not meant for close combat more intense than a round of rock-paper-scissors. Sure, when you and your idiots had been facing down a dragon, Ace and Deuce had ordered you and your equally ill-armored self to run for it. Someone had probably hurled the Elf from the room the moment combat began, or demanded he whirl away to safety.

But you wanted to be angry. Because this was the man who had strode, eyes wide open, into a hornet’s nest with the sole intention of crushing the poor bugs beneath his heel. He deserved to bear the brunt of the miserable, stinging, backlash.

It certainly didn’t help that he was glaring down Tsunotarou with near frenzied loathing. The tome in his hands was flipped open to a dense spell that you couldn’t even begin to make sense of, and he was casting. Something tedious, and extravagant, and with enough somatic nonsense to make your head spin. His gloved fingers glowed beneath a growing mote of magic that shone horrible and bright in the natural shadows of the castle. Whatever sort of magic it was, it was strong enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end and push frantic adrenaline through your veins. Sigils swam through the air, and you swore you could feel it sapping at your own tiny pool of mana. If this was some kind of spell that would gobble up magic, then a dragon who was nothing but magic—then Tsunotarou—he would—This spell might actually—

You ran at that wretched little bitch with everything you had, and tackled him to the ground just as a bolt of crackling, pale, force magic boomed from between his fingers. The spell shot wide, and you thanked every divine being you could think of for the enduring shittiness of Wizard Muscles.

“I should have known you’d risk your life to save that unholy monster,” he seethed, rolling back to his feet and sending you tumbling off the side.

You stood firm and silent between this awful, garbage, Elf and the Dragon he so hated.

Lord Flamm raised a hand in your direction, incensed, and then you watched as something sharp and frightened slithered its way across his features. No sparks danced along his fingertips, no black miasma curled from his palms. You shoved your hands into your pockets and rocked back and forth on your heels like the most obnoxious piece of shit you could be.

“Wow,” you drawled, low in your throat. “That was impressive. I mean. How many times did you cast all those spells on me earlier? I’m shocked you have anything left.”

The already dark look coloring his face twitched into something truly foul.

“You were doing that on purpose,” he snarled. “You vile, loathsome, bumbling ignoramus of a bard!—"

“Ah, stop, stop!” You beamed, fanning yourself with a limp wrist. “You’re going to make me blush~”

You ducked out the way with a yelp as a mote of fire whizzed past your ear—singeing far too many hairs at it went. Because fuck fuck fuck. Cantrips were still a thing. And he was powerful enough that those simple, little, bits of magic would still probably be more than enough to fry the meat off your bones.

“It’ll be enough to kill you,” he seethed—like he could read your thoughts—teeth tugged into a hideous, gaping, sneer.

Your mind zipped through every possible escape route and settled frantically on the only option that had ever truly seemed to save your ass.

“What white teeth you have?” you tried.

He roared and another shot of brilliant, red, flames careened over your head.  

You ducked out of the way with a squawk just in the nick of time, nearly faceplanting into a wall in your haste.

And thus ensued a terrifying but morbidly hilarious Benny Hill chase through pillars, and behind rocks, and into holes. You killed your singular, daily use of Misty Step just trying to get out of one of said holes. And your brief attempt at tossing up a Mirror Image to throw off his groove did little but get you whacked with a Counterspell that made your bones ache.

Just as you’d burned through the last of your meager magic and were genuinely preparing to just try and deck the guy again, black smoke began to curl through the hall—soon followed by the ominous roll of thunderous growls and the heavy grindingof a gigantic beast clawing its way into the room.

You threw yourself at the dragon with more enthusiasm than was probably proper for a situation like this, and he immediately ducked his head to catch you against his snout. He curled himself around you with a rumbling snarl and your vision was drowned in a shifting sea of ebony scales. You squished yourself into his bulk with a shuddering sigh, fingers clutching a bit uselessly at the slippery surface of his natural armor.

A burst of orange flames rolled harmlessly off Tsunotarou’s scaled side and his lips curled unpleasantly over his canines. You could see the licks of emerald fire rolling off his tongue—dancing along his white teeth and lighting the hall in an ominous, sickly, glow.

Before the pair of you, Lord Flamm looked half-mad. If not fully consumed. His party wiped, his hostage freed, and the creature he hated so fiercely baring down on him with no escape.

He let his head fall back with a discordant trill of laughter and grinned at the approaching dragon without a hint of repentance. Fear, perhaps. Panic, certainly. But no remorse. He raised his hands once more, and another dredge of his own fire sparked along his fingers.

“And he shall smite the wicked and plunge them into the fiery pit.”

The Great Briar Beast of Old opened his gigantic, black, maw and choked the hall in a torrent of emerald fire.

And Lord Flamm and his Dragon Slayers were no more.

You stared intently at the singed corridor, as if waiting for one of the piles of ash to jump to its feet and pull a sword. Which you might have excused as paranoid fretting if you hadn’t heard of necrotic magics capable of doing exactly that. But after a long moment of waiting with bated breath and tight fists, the monsters did not rise from their graves, and all seemed to be truly well and over.

You let out a gigantic gust of a breath and collapsed bonelessly against the dragon at your side. After a solid minute or two of just awkwardly trying to find a good way to hug a giant lizard more than a dozen times your size, Tsunotarou slipped out of his scales, and then he was warm and fleshy in your arms once more. Still too big, still earth-shatteringly strong, but human-shapedenough that you could merrily settle into his embrace without the risk of becoming a pancake.

“Tsunotarou!” you chirped past the lingering haze of smoke. “You’re okay!”

“Me?” he gawked at you. It was an awkward angle to make eye contact, seeing as he’d latched himself onto you like a particularly determined koala, but he managed nonetheless. “You were worried about me during all of that?” He blinked those wide, neon, eyes at you like you were some horribly long and tedious math equation that he couldn’t even begin to make sense of. “You were the one who was captured!”

“They were Dragon Slayers,” you entreated, brow furrowed. “They didn’t need me for much of anything. Of course I was worried more about you.”

When the constipated look on his face refused to fade, you prodded him gently in his side.

“Look, I promise if we ever run into Bard Poachers I will be exponentially more cautious.”

He didn’t look particularly convinced—whether because he was trying to suss out of if something like ‘Bard Poachers’ were an actual, factual, threat upon your person, or because you’d just openly hurtled yourself at a clearly overpowered, feral, wizard with no regards to your already shitty constitution to speak of, so a promise to ‘be more cautious’ was about as good as saying that maybe next time you wouldn’t outright flirt with death. Only subtly. A lil’ bit.

You reached up to smoosh your thumb along the sharp slant of his frown and smooth out the harsh edges that were practically digging into his jaw.

“Tsunotarou, if you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck like that,” you warned.  

“Malleus,” he interrupted, firm. You blinked up at him slowly and your hand fell back to rest in the nonexistent space between you.

“A what?”

“Malleus,” he repeated, and you felt the weight of the word dance through the air like sparks. Like an invocation, or a curse. “My true name.”

You waited a moment in shocked silence before slowly repeating your own name back at him. He startled and snorted a laugh into your neck, some of that lingering, terrible, tension finally seeming to seep out of him.

“I am well aware of what you are called, Child of Man.”

“…I know that,” you mumbled, fighting the urge to fidget. Malleus, Malleus, Malleus. The syllables sat heavy on your tongue, like your mouth couldn’t figure out how to push them past your lips. “I thought you said that dragons don’t give out their real names.”

He drew back just enough to cup your cheeks in his ashy palms, brushing a clawed finger back and forth against one of the small cuts littering your jaw.

“There is power in a name,” he said. “It is not a gift readily bestowed.”

Then why—

You swallowed, nervous, and one of his thumbs tracked the movement along the hollow of your throat.

“This way, if you call for me, I will always hear you,” he promised, eyes going flinty and venomous as he gazed at the cinder piles of smoking intruders. “And something like this will never happen again.”

“I—I mean,” you spluttered. “Me being—And this being—I mean—” You cleared your throat. “That hardly seems like a good enough reason to—to—” To put something so important into the hands of someone who literally broke into your house less than a month ago. To give something so precious to someone so human.

“Isn’t it?” he smiled, that sharp anger melting back into something painfully soft. Your poor heart kickstarted itself all over again. He ducked forward to press his nose into your temple, and you could feel the soft puff of his breath as his grin sharpened into a smirk. “Though I would have liked to bestow my titles on you in other ways as well, if this little hero would be amenable.”

You squawked, and the only thing that shook you out of the immediate spiral into ‘did he really just ask me to—am I really going to be stuck in every goddamn bard’s trope existence of—of—'  was the merry laughter that bubbled up from somewhere behind you. 

“Careful, my Prince,” Lilia hummed from his place perched atop a particularly large heap of rubble. “If you come on too strong, you’ll only scare them away. Humans are flighty like that, I’m afraid.”

You could feel Malleus’s pout against your forehead.

“Not my human,” he grouched. His hands dropped from your cheeks to encircle your waist and clutch at your lower back. “And that besides,” he continued testily, “you were the one who only just this morning insisted I take decisive action.”

“That’s true,” Lilia agreed with a gentle bob of his head, resting his pointed chin against his palm. “But perhaps three sentences at least before the proposal?”

Malleus blinked, slow and serpentine, before flicking his neon gaze back to you. “That does seem fair I suppose. What do you think?”

“I think,” you gawked, trying and failing to process any of the words that were coming out of their fanged mouths, “that I am having a stroke.”

“NOT ACCEPTABLE!” boomed a voice from overhead. “YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FALL ILL AFTER ALL THE EFFORTS WE TOOK TO KEEP YOU SAFE!”

You jolted in shock, and Malleus’s talons flexed reassuringly at your waist as he gently turned you back-to-chest so that you could face your accuser. He nestled his chin into your shoulder, and you could feel his horns bump against your skull as he tried to burrow in as close as possible. Which all would have been thoroughly distracting, but then you noticed that one of the Gargoyles from early had landed directly across from you. Its spiked head was swiveling back and forth as it appraised you like some particularly ruffled cockatoo. And that in itself was bizarre enough to help you focus on something other than the weight along your back and the steadily rising heat in your cheeks.

“Uhm, hello?” you tried.

“WE HAVE ALREADY MET!” It screeched. “THERE IS NO NEED FOR INTRODUCTIONS!”

“It talks,” you blanched.

“OF COURSE I SPEAK, YOU IGNORANT ENTERTAINER!” The Gargoyle thundered. Its yellow eyes flashed in indignation. “HOW COULD I NOT LEARN TO COMMUNICATE IN A RESPECTABLE FASHION WHEN SERVING SOMEONE SO MAJESTIC AS HIS MAJESTY?!”

“I think,” the other Gargoyle said, slipping forward so silently you could hardly believe it was made of such strong stone at all, “that what Sebek is trying to say, is that we are happy to finally be able welcome you into our home, even if it is under less than ideal circumstances. And that we are very pleased to be able to speak with you.”

“THAT IS WHAT I ALREADY SAID, SILVER!” the spiky one snarled. No one else looked particularly bothered by his ceaseless volume, so it was probably normal. He stuck his carved nose into the air with a harumph. “AND I HAVE HEARD OF THE WAYS OF YOU TRAVELING STORY TELLERS! IF YOU BREAK MY MASTER’S HEART, YOU WILL SUFFER AN ETERNITY OF TORMENT AT MY HAND!”

Malleus growled, low and rumbling, from over your shoulder. Instantly his stalwart guardian cowed—head dipping like a kicked a puppy.

“Of course,” it continued, much softer. “I don’t think this human would do that. And—And I think my master has made a very good choice in his mate, and I will be happy to serve you too.”

Lilia sighed a sigh that sounded very much like a doting mother overflowing with parental affection. Like the kind of noise one may hear on a cozy Sunday afternoon while helping prepare dinner, or while sitting on a little, floral, couch and sifting through little paintings of grandchildren. There was still blood splattered all along his cheeks.

“It’s so lovely to have the family all together again,” he cooed. “And I do think that you will make such a marvelous addition.”

“Oh. Well. Thank you,” you nodded jerkily, just as your knees buckled and you collapsed to the floor.

.

.

On the first day of the new month, Ace and Deuce made their way back to the forgotten castle nestled in a pool of lava.

“We should never have left them,” Deuce grumbled for what was maybe the ten thousandth time. Ace was sick of hearing it. He was even more sick of the fact that despite being constantly inundated with various versions of ‘oh, we’re such terrible friends,’ the little, twisting, spike of guilt in his gut never grew any duller. Wasn’t that how it was supposed to work? Something-something-repetitive-exposure-therapy, or whatever? This sucked. He wanted a refund on this whole ‘conscience’ thing. Maybe it wasn’t too late to sell his soul and become a Warlock or whatever. Surely that would help.  

“We didn’t have a choice,” Ace reminded him. Again. “They’re okay. I know they are. We’re going to show up and they’ll be, I don’t know, lying in a bed of gold being hand fed grapes or something.”

Deuce made a rumbly, whining, kind of noise that made him sound even more pathetic than usual and Ace sighed, determined to instead focus on the rickety rope bridge swinging beneath their feet.

The ancient, looming, monstrosity of a building was just as cold and dark as it had been the first time. If anything, it was more filthy. With walls stained with seeping ash and the charred, skeletal, remains of something that Ace was definitely, absolutely, not going to think about scattered throughout the grime.

The two of them made their way to the heart of the castle until they were standing at the entrance of a grand, cavernous, chamber that may have once been some sort of ballroom.

Ace didn’t know what he was expecting. Slaver’s coils maybe. A chain around your ankles and rags drooping from your shoulders. Or maybe you wouldn’t even be there at all—long since swallowed down as a little, midnight, snack.

He certainly wasn’t expecting to see you lounging contentedly atop a mountainous heap of soft blankets, with the master of this castle—terror-incarnate, death from above, an eldritch beast ripped straight out of legend—curled along the lumpy hills of your grandiose pillow fort, its great head nestled at your back as you reclined against its scales and chattered away. Like the goddamned, rambling, idiot you had always been.

One of the dragon’s large, green, eyes shifted towards the intruders at its door, and Ace froze in place. You paused your chattering to raise your hand with an excited little wave. Your tattered traveler’s clothes had been replaced with something silken and soft enough that it would probably melt in his fingers, and it swayed like mist around you as you made your way to your feet. You were practically dripping in platinum, and diamonds, and emeralds, and—he was going to stop counting them before he gave himself a conniption.

And yeah… it wasn’t exactly a throne of gold and gemstones, but it was almost just as impressive. And immediately indignation swept through Ace with a horrible kind of vengeance. Because how dare you actually be living it up over here when he had been so fucking worried just lying about all that cool stuff to keep Deuce from storming the castle gates?

“You made it!” you chirped, perfectly merry despite the gigantic maw full of sharp teeth hovering at your shoulder.

“Of—Of course we did,” Deuce stuttered, his blue eyes flicking back and forth so quickly from the dragon, to you, to Ace, to the dragon, to you—that Ace genuinely thought he might be having a seizure. “We promised we would.”

You stopped in front of them with a considerate little hum, sharp eyes tracing and cataloguing their varying reactions. After a moment of what was obviously some very smug preening and even smugger ‘I win this round’ silent gloating, you slipped out of the piles of entangled jewels with an exaggerated shrug. With the exception of an intricately carved emerald pendant hanging softly between the hollows of your collarbones, the rest of the infinitely expensive and rare gems fell to the ground with a series of clattering chatter.

“All that shit is so heavy,” you whined. Whined. Like you had any right to complain about anything at all for the rest of your existence. You leaned forward with a wink. “I was just hoping it’d make your thieving, money-hungry ass, jealous.” You smirked, proud. “And it looks like it worked, you goddamn traitors.”

Ace was about to splutter out the most scathing remark his spiteful little brain could come up with, when Deuce ruined everything by rushing forward like the blubbering idiot he was and scooping you up into a bearhug.

“You’re okay! You’re okay!” he wailed. “We missed you so much!”

“Speak for yourself,” Ace huffed, and twinged miserably when it came out sounding far too soft. He cleared his throat and decided to take a different approach. “You know, last time I was sort of joking about the whole ‘bards and dragons’ thing. But it looks like you’ve made yourself real comfortable. And here I thought you were always super opposed to the ‘fucking my way out of my problems’ stereotype.”

However, because the universe seemed determined not to give Ace any kind of win for the rest of his natural existence, instead of getting all embarrassed and mousey, you just huffed and turned up your nose at him.

“Well obviously not as a dragon,” you complained. “Do you know how big he is? How would that even work, huh?” The aforementioned dragon lowered his gigantic head to settle on the ground at your side, and you leaned against him good-naturedly when he grumbled low in his throat. “Yeah, no,” you said to the beast, rolling your eyes. “Nice try, but no.”

Deuce immediately choked and started hacking up a lung, and Ace wanted to die.

“You can talk to it?” the redhead asked instead of keeling over.

You shrugged.

“Not like this. But I’ve learned to interpret most of it.” You wiggled your fingers. “It’s my sixth sense.”

Ace’s nose scrunched. “Yeah, right. If anything, it’s your ‘I’ve been dicked down by a dragon and think that makes me soooo special now’ sense—”

The great, ebony, monster growled and the Fighter’s mouth snapped shut like someone had taken a hammer to his jaw. You snickered goodhumoredly and elbowed your companion gently at the base of one of its long, sharp, horns.

“He’s just joking around,” you said to the winged horror. “You don’t have to get all defensive.”

There was another grumpy sneer, but the dragon simply settled more heavily at your side with a defeated sort of huff. The gust of a sigh sent a wave of scorching heat along Ace’s front, and he fought the urge to cow immediately and beg for his life. Because apparently that wasn’t going to be necessary, because you had—you had—

“Are you in love?” Deuce blurted, because unlike Ace, the Barbarian was pure, and good, and still didn’t fully understand how eggs worked, let alone the concept of Fuck or Die.

And then you surprised him yet again by getting as flustered as he’d expected you to when he’d accused you (rightly) of bending over for a goddamn fucking dragon.

But before you could answer, the dragon lifted its head to press its temple against yours. Or, as well as it could do that when it dwarfed the lot of you the way an elephant might hover over a mouse. Mostly it just ended up being a very, very, delicate head bump. A deep, warbling, purr started from its chest and rolled all the way up and past its sharp, white, canines.

“Uhm,” you tried again. “You guys are invited to the wedding, I guess.”

“The what?!” Deuce howled, before promptly falling to his knees to fan himself like a devasted matron in a church.

You sighed and rubbed at the back of your head, clearly embarrassed. You mumbled something under your breath that sounded a bit like ‘it’s kind of a whole saga, y’know.’ And Ace, in all his infinite good will, decided to take pity on you just this once. And also because you were clearly loaded now, and all good friends know that sharing is caring, right?

“Come on then, Bardy,” he smirked, leaning down to kick Deuce flatter to the floor—half to knock the guy out of his frantic spiraling, half so he could perch on his back like a chair. Because the stone floor looked really uncomfortable, and he had a feeling that trying to slip into that nice nest of blankets of yours would not end well. “Tell us a story.”

.

.

.

[TAG LIST] CLOSED

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[soaked-ghost]

A bit of a random question- but its been nagging at me for a while & i love hearing you talk about them so!!! I was curious, if dream, ink, nightmare, and anybody else were pokemon and/or had pokemon teams, what do you think they’d be/kind of team they’d have?

When i see some pokemon like gumshoos, drampa, nincada, numel etc i feel like they might fit well with atleast some AUs, but i’d really like to know what you’d see!!

hihihi.... what a nice question!!! I think about this almost daily!!!!

nightmare is easy, if he was a pokemon he would be muk! specifically the alola variant because I remember their pokedex entry saying that it eats everything in sight including trash, and they get angry when they're not fed, and that's very nightmare lol

dream was tricky, at first I thought he would be a bug type, but no bug pokemon really fit him. but then I figured he would be a staryu! cuz that pokemon really gives off the ethereal, alien vibe that dream gives off, and it's a star!

ink was the hardest to figure out. I thought maybe he would be smeargle? but just a very fat one? but I settled with gengar! the very round body, the big smile and the fact that it's a mischievous ghost pokemon fits him all too well

now if they had teams, I think nightmare would assemble his team with very random pokemon, probably the ones that remind him of himself (he's very obsessed with himself). Like muk (again), banette, tentacruel and Mr. mime. the only reason wailord and slowking are in his team is because they have 'lord' and 'king' in their name lol

dream was pretty easy, he's a bug boy! so most of his team are all bug types with some fairy ones

ink is the most interesting I think, he's the kind of guy to only capture the pokemon he finds the most funny looking, but I think he has a special interest toward ghost and dark types!!

smeargle and snorlax are obligatory pokemon he has to have them in his team, and he got bidoof for the joke.

a little unrelated but I think ink would just randomly have a legendary in between his other pokemon and nobody knows how they hell he got it. but he never uses that legendary for anything, he would rather use his very overpowered snorlax for battle (and I think that legendary would be groudon :})

[heatwa-ves]

For the character headcanon ask game!!!! Firstly, the Tenth doctor as I like that guy and secondly,,,, Klavier or Kristoph Gavin or both because they are just so epic to me,,,,,

under the cut because I talked a Lot

ten

sexuality + gender: canonically genderfluid yippee!! as for sexuality idk. rose tyler.

fav ship: tenrose u will always be famous. tensimm you will be famous too I guess because what the fuck was. Everything. in the end of time. not my fav incarnation of thoschei but I do enjoy it . "you could be beautiful" doctor do you have something to share with the class.. OH. TENJACK ALSO. I am perpetually haunted by the scene in utopia wjat the hell is this

fav platonic relationship: doctordonna is LEGENDARY. they're so good they're sooooooo good. entirety of S4 is banger after banger after banger I'm excited to watch the 60th specials and see donna and dt again but im still dragging myself through chibnall era. It's bad.

general opinion: I used to like ten more than I do now not that I dislike him but watching twelve set a gold standard for doctors and I think none of the others quite reach it. am I biased because I'm obsessed with peter capaldi? No comment. anyway. ten is really good and has a lot of strong episodes particularly with donna ofc. I like his relationship with martha in theory I just wish the show didn't hate her guts . Midnight is one of theeee best episodes on television and ten is so good in it he's also particularly good in waters of mars tho I do wish the time lord victorious was dragged out a bit longer like for another episode or so before that finale. His regeneration never fails to make me tear up especially the part with rose... she WILL have a good year. sobs. Finally obligatory mention that fear her is a GOOD EPISODE IM SICK OF THE HATE.

klavier

sexuality + gender: bi + genderfluid she/her pronouns would solve all her problems

fav ship: klapollo I love u... t4t

fav platonic relationship: his relationship with trucy they're sooooo silly look at this art . also obsessed with what we see of his relationship with kristoph I'm thinking about them always and I wish we saw more

general opinion: she's my fav from aa4... No one is surprised. cute + silly + has problems + sees the protagonist and is like omg hi. did you know I'm bisexual. did you know im really into you . just saying. 0.5 seconds after meeting. I would like it if the game went more into his feelings on losing kristoph and then daryan and then kristoph again all back to back but I guess that's what fanfiction is for. guilty love is such a good theme I don't normally listen to just instrumental songs but.... She's beautiful. the concept of the gavinners is fucking stupid so I'm living in my dream world where they're a normal band not a weird law cop themed one.

kristoph

sexuality + gender: idk nothing in particular .

fav ship: he and phoenix definitely fucked at some point

fav platonic relationship: once again gavin siblings. I wish the game also went more into how his relationship with apollo is like I assume they were working together for a while pre 4-1 .. it's interesting to think about but there's not much to go off

general opinion: beautiful evil man. I love him and it really surprised me how many people hate him??? the godawful mischaracterisation I've seen on ao3 haunts me like yes he's a cunt but he wouldn't fucking do THAT. he's a cunt in a different way. please hate him correctly at the very least. I want to know what goes on inside his head. he was definitely lying about why he killed zak there was more to it than just being a petty bitch like the black psyche locks and everything... I don't think he's the sort of person who'd resort to serial murder over just not being chosen as lawyer there's definitely things he didn't tell us. I like him. he's also kind of stupid like if he just hadn't tried to be all poetic describing the cards in the first trial he never would've been caught??? and come on now why is he using the same fancy rare nail polish that he poisoned as a gift. If he hadn't used it they couldn't have proved he gave it to vera. I could not fix him but I could fuck him.

[amageish]

With Magik’s popularity among the cast of Midnight Suns, this one feels a little obligatory... Here’s my moveset idea for Magik’s bestie and Marvel’s first explicitly Jewish superhero, Captain Pryde.

While the canon of Midnight Suns still has the X-Men be based out of Xaiver’s Academy, I’m taking inspiration from the Krakoa era for Pryde’s appearance and demeanour for two reasons. Firstly, Magik is explicitly in her 20s in Midnight Suns and so Kate should be too - and her now going by Kate is pretty obviously meant to be her moving into a more adult phase of her life. Secondly, and more importantly, Midnight Suns’ plot already has a lot of discussions of trust and depictions of awkward reunions, so I think it’d be appropriate to have Pryde’s arrival in the Abbey be after she’s spent some time away from the X-Men working with a reformed Emma Frost. Storm's all like “Awwww, we’ll be working with kitten again!” only for Pryde to show up holding a cutlass and asking to be called Kate instead of Kitty.

Pryde’s moveset would focus on... well, phasing, unsurprisingly. She can move people around, trap enemies in the ground making them unable to attack but also immune to knockback, and can dodge attacks entirely by phasing out of them. For her Legendary Heroic, she summons her dragon Lockheed to burn her foes.

In terms of Abbey conversations, Pryde would be fascinated by Hunter’s out-of-time perspective on the world and would pick their brain about a variety of social issues. She would also joke about why she was given her own room when she and Magik can share. 🙂

In terms of costumes... Goodness, there are so many options. I’m going to say: Pirate outfit, X-Men uniform, and... maybe the Ariel outfit as a throwback? I’d also be down for her Star-Lord costume too...

[bakerstreetbabble]

Sherlock Gnomes: my expanded review for IHearofSherlock.com

A couple weeks ago, I wrote a brief review of the 2018 film Sherlock Gnomes, and animated take on the legendary detective (as well as a sequel to an earlier animated feature, an animated version of Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet, called Gnomeo & Juliet). Shortly after I wrote that review, I offered to expand it a bit and submit it to I Hear of Sherlock Everywhere. They posted my expanded review today. I've copied it below.

"...scrambling over your garden wall." (EMPT)

Several years ago (in 2011, to be exact), when my older daughter was a lot smaller, we watched a fairly humorous children's film adaptation of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, entitled Gnomeo and Juliet. I remember how, as a five year-old, she was entertained, and there were enough tongue-in-cheek Shakespeare references to keep me interested as well.

As you can imagine, the “star-crossed lovers” do not take their own lives at the end, as the target audience would likely find such a thing a bit traumatic. Still, the animation was pretty good, the soundtrack was fun, and there was a very entertaining bit with Patrick Stewart as a statue of the Bard himself.

In March 2018, a sequel to Gnomeo and Juliet was released, this time a spoof on Sherlock Holmes: the title of this new gnomish adventure was—you guessed it—Sherlock Gnomes. The film is part sequel, involving the characters of Gnomeo and Juliet in new adventures, but it is also (of course) a spoof of some of our favorite Sherlock Holmes characters. In fact, the film starts out with a funny little bit where a few gnomes argue about which story they’ll tell next (“Game of Gnomes! Or The Gnome Ranger!”).  

Sherlock Gnomes (voiced by Johnny Depp) is a garden gnome detective (that is, a detective who happens to be a garden gnome), who is sworn to protect all of London's garden gnomes. He finds himself pitted against his old archenemy, Moriarty: a sort of "Bob's Big Boy" type of pie mascot (don't ask). 

Sherlock is a kind of self-absorbed character, who doesn't treat his sidekick Watson with the respect he deserves. Of course, this is a subject that has been explored in other Holmes films and spoofs. (The Holmes/Watson relationship in the Guy Ritchie films, or the spoof Without a Clue, both spring to my mind.)

Their paths cross those of Gnomeo and Juliet, who are attempting to improve the garden of the house they’ve just moved to, when their fellow garden gnomes are abducted by the evil Moriarty. Or are they? Sherlock Gnomes hears of that abduction and many more around London, and…the game is afoot!

Honestly, I found the film pretty entertaining. Depp was not the best Holmes I've ever seen (well...heard), while Chiwetel Ejiofor voices Watson with great subtlety and dignity. There were all kinds of goofy nods towards the Sherlock Holmes canon: Doyle's Doll Museum, Wisteria Lodge Florist Shop, a grating with "221B" on it, while Sherlock and Juliet encounter a "fierce" pug dog, which Mr. Gnomes calls "the Hound owned by the Baskervilles."

One character even delivers the entertaining line, “No ship, Sherlock!” And of course, there's the obligatory deerstalker cap, Inverness cape, and magnifying glass.

In a little homage to the BBC's Sherlock, perhaps, Mr. Gnomes occasionally retreats into a "mind palace" of sorts, with a completely different style of animation for those sequences (it looks like black and white cel animation, although I suspect it is still done mostly with computers). One little animation detail that I thought was odd: Sherlock Gnomes has a tiny little white beard on the tip of his chin! I think this was probably the only bearded Holmes I’ve ever seen on film. Not that a beard that small is really deserving of the name...

The voice cast is a panoply of celebrities: James McAvoy (Gnomeo), Emily Blunt (Juliet), Michael Caine (Lord Redbrick), Maggie Smith (Lady Bluebury), Mary J. Blige (Irene), and many more. Even Ozzy Osbourne has a brief role, as a somewhat befuddled ceramic fawn.

The animation is quite high quality, and the aforementioned "mind palace" sequences were bizarre and fun. The story is packed with enough action and silly humor to keep children entertained, while there are enough pop culture references sprinkled throughout to keep adults from being completely bored.

As mentioned above, Sherlockians will no doubt be amused by canonical references here and there. The plot as a few fun little twists, so the movie isn’t as predictable as some animated feautres can be. As a Holmes fan, I found it enjoyable enough, if not incredibly brilliant. The film only received a 28% on film review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes, but I've seen much poorer films with higher scores.

If you have young children, you could do a lot worse. Or if you’d simply like to indulge in 90 minutes of innocent fun, it’s worth a few laughs. Oh, and did I mention that most of the soundtrack is made up of Elton John songs? (One of the film companies that produced the film was founded by Elton John, so it’s no surprise.)

I would give the film 4 Calabash Pipes on a 5-Pipe scale.

[mayihavethisdanse]

“What is this, the Dark Ages?”

Or, Arthurian themes and allusions in the Brotherhood of Steel mythos as seen in Fallout 4. (But that’s a lot of words.)

Yep. We're doing this. 

First, some obligatory caveats: there is no single Arthurian canon, just 1500 years of assorted fanfic based on the whims of whoever was writing at the time. For this extremely highbrow Tumblr meta, I have ignored most of it and drawn on my favorites. Also Wikipedia.

Also, I am not an expert in Arthurian literature (or Fallout lore, come to that), and I preemptively beg the pardon of anyone who is.

Finally, in no way am I claiming that all these parallels and thematic echoes are deliberate or even significant. In fact, I'd break it down into:

Clearly deliberate allusions, whether in or out of universe;

Probably coincidence, but could be someone deliberately capitalizing on a coincidental similarity;

Almost certainly coincidence, but fun to speculate about; annnnd

Blatant Monty Python references. (Because of course there are.)

I'll start with the big one.

Arthur Maxson, boy king and unifier

(source)

So across all the retellings and variations of King Arthur’s life story, there are a few consistent elements, particularly in his early life and rise to power. Some of these threads are echoed in the Fallout universe, specifically (and unsurprisingly) in the person of Arthur Maxson.

Both the legendary King Arthur and Arthur Maxson were born with a claim to power lying in their ancestry, both were fostered away from their families, and both proved themselves in combat at a young age. 

King Arthur united the warring kingdoms of Britain into a single entity, making them stronger against outsiders and receiving general admiration and acclaim. Arthur Maxson united the divided factions of the BoS after the events of Fallout 3 and is held in similarly high regard by his men.

The name Prydwen is a reference to the ship of the original King Arthur. Presumably, Arthur Maxson (or someone in the BoS who anticipated his promotion) christened the airship in a deliberate homage to the Arthurian myth.

King Arthur is associated with his legendary sword. I think it’s notable that Maxson’s legend is associated with a bladed weapon, too. ("He killed a DEATHCLAW with a COMBAT KNIFE!”)

Probably coincidence, but fun: the historical emperor Magnus Maximus, who pops up a lot in early Arthurian legend, was known in Welsh as... Macsen. (⌐■_■)

Round Table, but make it dieselpunk

(Continued under the cut.)

Moving away from obvious allusions and into some looser parallels:

Like the Round Table, the Brotherhood is an exclusive knightly order with its leader being the one able to open it up to his chosen few.

Like the Round Table, the BoS sees itself as defending human civilization against forces of chaos. (I’ll touch on their tech-hoarding tendencies when I get to the Grail stuff.) This idea of civilization in the face of chaos goes back to the BoS’s founding, even though the level of isolationism we see in most of the Fallout franchise is not exactly what founder Roger Maxson had in mind: “Notably, Maxson's ultimate intention was to establish the Brotherhood as an organization that works closely with people outside of the Brotherhood, as guardians of civilizations, not its gatekeepers.” (source) In a lot of ways, Arthur Maxson represents a return to his ancestor’s original ideals.

Renegade knights? Internal politics? Traitors within? We gotchu.

In both the medieval legends and in all chapters of the BoS we’ve seen, there’s a big focus on bloodlines (ew). Ironically, it’s probably Arthur Maxson’s unquestionable ancestry that allows him to be more progressive than either of his East Coast predecessors when it comes to boosting Brotherhood numbers by recruitment (even though you can still see a clear division between “born Brotherhood” and recruited soldiers, but that’s a topic for another day). Maxson sees himself as an Elder who "cares for the people"—however misguided and patronizing that attitude might be—and whatever else you might say about the guy, you can't say he doesn't believe he has a duty. Which brings us to…

Know Your Enemy: Danse as Gawain

Before I start this section, an acknowledgement of authorial bias:

Gawain, as portrayed in the Middle English poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, is my very favorite of King Arthur’s knights. (Other stories aren't always as flattering, but like I said at the outset: I'm sticking to the ones I like.)

That poem is my very favorite piece of medieval Arthurian literature. In this section, I'll refer to the modern English translation by Simon Armitage.

...that’s it, I have no other biases to disclose. 

What? 👀

(Art: Clive Hicks-Jenkins)

All right. So in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, you’ve got this himbo loyal knight of Arthur’s who finds himself caught up in... you know what, let me just paste in the Wikipedia summary. (The Toast, RIP, also did a pretty entertaining and more-or-less accurate recap.)

It describes how Sir Gawain, a knight of King Arthur's Round Table, accepts a challenge from a mysterious "Green Knight" who dares any knight to strike him with his axe if he will take a return blow in a year and a day. Gawain accepts and beheads him with his blow, at which the Green Knight stands up, picks up his head and reminds Gawain of the appointed time. In his struggles to keep his bargain, Gawain demonstrates chivalry and loyalty until his honour is called into question by a test involving the lord and the lady of the castle where he is a guest.

Don’t worry too much about the plot details, though; for this post, I’m more interested in the thematic parallels. The Green Knight story is full of contrasts: order vs. chaos, civilization vs. wilderness, mortal man vs. Other... but let’s start with Gawain himself. 

Some stuff to know about Gawain:

He was "as good as the purest gold, devoid of vices but virtuous and loyal". Gawain took his principles more seriously even than the rest of Arthur’s knights, not out of pride but out of humility: "I would rather drop dead than default from duty," he says. 

He’s faithful and honorable and never even tempted to betray an oath, even when offered every variety of seduction and riches, except for a single moment of weakness in a desperate desire not to be executed for random shit by powerful forces for reasons he doesn't understand.  

Even though he doesn’t really understand why he needs to die, he sticks to his oath. Gawain's one weakness is a moment of desperate, private, human desire for survival. He'll submit to the headsman’s axe if he has to, but he'd still rather live. 

Above all, Gawain is the ideal of a human man: he might be the bravest and loyal man there is, but he’s still fundamentally human.

You can probably see where I'm going with this.

A few more fun facts about Gawain that resonate with Paladin Danse’s story:

He’s got a bunch of really shitty brothers. (No comment.)

Gawain (SPOILERS!) doesn't actually end up beheaded, but he does willingly kneel for his execution and gets a cut on the throat as a reminder of his sin. And, uh, Danse can also get his throat cut! It doesn’t end as nicely but it’s, you know, a thing that can happen.

Gawain might be a really good guy, and he tries really hard to be one, but in the end he’s nothing more than that: there’s nothing supernatural about him, he has no special powers beyond his own principles and devotion. He’s just a dude doing his Best. 

Wait, why not Danselot?

Oh, that guy? Here’s the thing.

Lancelot personifies the continental ideals of courtly love that became popular in the High Middle Ages. Central to his story is the prioritization of personal relationships and romantic feelings in a way that you don’t really see in Gawain's, at least in the Green Knight tale. (Later stories hook Gawain up with an extremely delightful lady, but even that is a different flavor of romance than Lancelot's and has more to do with Gawain honoring his word and his egalitarian treatment of women (hell yeah). In the poem, Gawain is impressed by Bertilak's wife but resists her temptation; in fact, the biggest risk is not that he'll yield to her advances but that he'll be discourteous to her, i.e., violate his principles and cause dishonor to his king and his host.)

Lancelot is driven by passions over principles in a way that Gawain never really is (at least in the stories I’m talking about; later writers have committed character assassination to various degrees). Yes, you could argue that both Gawain and Lancelot betray their oaths, but Lancelot’s betrayal is never, um, blind. He knows what he’s doing and makes a deliberate choice to prioritize his love for the queen over his love for the king. It doesn’t make him a bad guy—he too is an ideal knight with one fatal flaw—but his character isn’t as comparable to Paladin Danse. 

Yeah, Gawain is (in most stories) a prince and a kinsman of Arthur’s, but he’s ultimately a native boy who doesn’t break the mold of a Knight of the Round Table. Likewise, Danse is portrayed as competent and valuable to the BoS, but not exceptional or breaking the mold of what a BoS soldier should be: he simply represents the ideal. Meanwhile, Lancelot is a foreign prince who was marked from childhood as special and fancy, and his storyline goes alllll over the place. (Much like this post.)

For example, Lancelot goes to absolutely absurd extremes to prove his devotion for no other reason than to prove it. (“I’ll do any useless humiliating thing you want. I’ll betray every oath except the one I made to you. That’s what love is!”) Gawain would never. Danse would never.

Ultimately, Gawain's tests are of his character and not of his love. And like Gawain, Danse’s devotion is to service and his principles, not to another person—even Arthur Maxson.

All that said, there are some similarities: both are beloved by Arthur, both are held up as the ideal of what a knight should be. And even if their fatal flaws are different, both make the point that no matter how good and brave and loyal they might be, no human being can be perfect. 

(Except Galahad. Who is, as a result, very boring.) 

I’ll conclude this section with a quote from someone else’s take on the Greek Knight poem:

I like Gawain. He’s not perfect, but he’s trying his best which is all any of us can do. He’s not like the other knights in the Arthurian legends who occasionally ‘accidentally’ kill women on their little adventures and then feel hard done by when they have to deal with the consequences of that. Gawain holds himself to a high standard – higher, it seems, than Arthur and his knights hold him to considering how hard they laugh when Gawain tells them how bad he feels about the whole thing.

I think Gawain is very relatable in this story. We all want to be better than we actually are.

And that, more than anything else, is Danse.

The Grail myth

What’s that? Lost relics of power? Better send some large armed men after ‘em!

The parallels to the BoS’s tech-hoarding ways are obvious enough that the games themselves lampshade them (albeit by way of Monty Python). But it also ties into the larger themes of “purity” versus “corruption” and the BoS’s self-image as a bastion between civilization and chaos. (See Maxson's line in response to the Sole Survivor’s quip about the Dark Ages: “Judging from the state of the world, it wouldn't be a stretch to say we're living in that era again.”)

But the ultimate futility of the Grail mission is also worthy of note. The BoS might want the power of prewar tech on their side, but they’re no more to be trusted with it than any other group of human beings. No matter how they try, the “corruption” of humanity can’t be overcome as long as they’re striving to harness power for their own ends. You can only achieve power by surrendering control of it.

The death of Arthur

The nature of gameplay being what it is, it's not guaranteed that the Arthur figure will be fatally betrayed, bringing Camelot down with him—but it's not unlikely, either.

Awkward.

Some final spitballing:

Outside the Brotherhood, there are some fun parallels of the Arthur myth with the rest of Fallout 4. Betrayal by one’s own son, for example.

The key difference between the BoS and the legendary Round Table: King Arthur’s knights, for all their flaws and human weaknesses, are usually presented as unambiguous Good Guys. The BoS is... a little more ambiguous...

...but damn if they don’t think they're the good guys. 

A-ad victoriam, fellas!

[carrionspiked]

GNC Tarkin...?

(cw: some eugenics mentions)

(obligatory note that I’m intersex myself and that we are all just having fun theorizing today on tumblr dot com)

Other historical figures that inspired his writing of the character included Niccolò Machiavelli, Oliver Cromwell, Adrian Carton de Wiart, James J. Andrews, Julie d'Aubigny, Anne Bonny, and George Armstrong Custer.

^from James Luceno's wookiepedia page, in reference to an interview he gave with Star Wars Insider magazine.

So Tarkin is pretty definitively bi/gay in current canon, but let’s talk about his gender because there's some very interesting, very sad stuff going on there.

First of all, one of the very first glimpses we see of his childhood involves him knowing how to sew. At the age of 10-11 he knows how to alter his clothing, specifically adding pockets to a vest. The fact that he knows how to do this is already pretty coded on it’s own. There’s no reason a wealthy (cis) boy would’ve received sewing lessons in the Tarkin family.

The Tarkin family is patriarchal and eugenicist, and they seem to toss their boys into the wild without any kind of wilderness survival training prep. Tarkin hadn’t even seen the Plateau before Jova and co took him out there. So the sewing? Not a wilderness or first aid thing.

(Additionally there’s this undercurrent through the novel that his family is outright expecting him to die. We don’t particularly see why that is, the flashbacks are from his own perspective but we do know that even Jova isn’t expecting him to return from the Spike.)

(It’s always worth mentioning that Tarkin didn’t just survive the trial at the Spike, he broke it. The Tarkin family straight up can’t use that one anymore. Also the fact that there are others possibly implies they sent him on the most dangerous one to kill him.)

So Anne Bonny probably doesn’t need much introduction. Crossdressing bisexual pirate queen. Julie D’Aubigny? Crossdressing bisexual duelist and opera singer- google her if you’re unfamiliar because WOW those are some stories. Basically: these are women who will hurt you. If Luceno was after wild cishet men to reference there's plenty. But he specifically picked them instead.

Tarkin had a pretty wild young adulthood, some of which was spent physically fighting other students at the Judicial Academy to defend his honor after making a flamboyant entrance and facing derision from being from the Outer Rim. He got into a ton of these brawls. Usually up against multiple opponents. The legendary temperament and swashbuckling duelist nature of D'Aubigny is a definite match.

Okay, moving on from the novel we got some fresh canon to work with:

And it's. A lot.

Tarkin is unmarried in Disney canon. And wants a protege, he proceeds to select three students and eventually sends them to the Carrion Plateau. He’s breaking two big family rules here:

only members of the Tarkin family hunt on the plateau

the hunting rite is a dude’s only event

And he has some stuff to say about their quarry:

In the novel, Tarkin's hunt at the Carrion Spike involves two veermoks, Lord and Shadow. These are pretty obvious parallels to Palpatine, Vader and the collapse of the Empire.

And well, even what the winner of the hunt (Zahra) has to say seems to parallel the albino veermok with Tarkin further:

(and then of course, there is the name of his flagship, the Executrix, quite literally the feminine counterpart to Vader's ship)

[hypexion]

Can You Hear Me? is an episode about fears, but it’s not a scary episode. It’s more of an episode where events happen, and we learn more about the characters.

This post comes with a content warning for discussion of suicide and depression, due to the nature of one the scenes in the episode.

So it’s time for the obligatory spooky episode of the series, except in the end Can You Hear Me? is only scary for the characters. Zellim is a bit unnerving while he’s slinking around in the dark and popping off his fingers, but he’s also basically a guy who is slightly weird. And while the monsters stalking Tahira in 1380 Aleppo have potential, the episode immediately breaks the important rule of “don’t show the monster“ and so the “Chagaskas“ are immediately reduced to being generic monsters. Alas.

Can You Hear Me? aslo does the whole thing where the Doctor goes “oh no it’s the legendary guy“, except this is the first ever mention of the legendary guy Zellim. It’s one of those things that never really works, since if the audience doesn’t know who your legendary guy is, they don’t know how to react. As villains go, Zellim is at least smart, and manages to bamboozle the Doctor into freeing his buddy, who’s never used onscreen name is Rakaya. It turns out that both of them are totally evil, and Rakaya even summons some fancy exposition to explain how badly the Doctor screwed up. It’s a bit like The Pandorica Opens, except with the Doctor’s Doctorness actually being used against her instead of there being a weird reversal. Sadly, for all their spookiness, Zellim and Rakaya are defeated incredibly quickly. They don’t even do anything after Rakaya escapes other than walk along a road and bother some people.

While the villians might end up being a letdown, Can You Hear Me? does have some interesting scenes in the form of the various nightmares the characters experience. Minus the Doctor, who’s slot is wasted on pointless arc stuff. It’s not like she’s suffered from any major traumatic events recently, like discovering a new forbidden Doctor or having her home destroyed again. Truly the worst thing for the Doctor is a child standing on a rock. Not all the companions she thinks she let down, or the time she spent a few billion years punching through a wall. However, even if the Doctor’s segment is a let down, the rest of Team TARDIS actually has stuff happening.

Graham’s nightmare the most straightfoward and obvious of the bunch. He’s worried about his cancer returning. He still feels guilty about Grace’s death. It’s simple, but it works, because these are the sort of things people will worry about. While Graham might have found some sort of closure, he’s still effected by these things, especially given how they are connected. The only problem is how this is handled in the denouncement - where the Doctor suddenly forgets to be ceaselessly optimistic and just sort of... ejects herself from the conversation. It’s just so grimacingly awful. The Doctor understands loss, and even if Time Lords don’t get cancer, she could still try to mumble out something vaugely positive in Graham’s direction rather than do what she actually did. I’d even say it’s a little out of character, because my take is that Thirteen has a pretty strong aversion to confronting her own inner negativity, to the point where she forces herself to be overty positive whenever possible.

Ryan’s nightmarescape is a tad more estoric, and deals with both his fear of the future, and his guilt at missing his friend’s lives. Dream Tibo is quick to accuss Ryan of not being around, even as the world ended. I think this scene is actually a little more subtle than it first appears, once you factor in Ryan’s relationship with his father. While the future of Orphan 55 is certainly a factor, it’s worth considering that Ryan’s true fear is betraying his friends in the same way he felt like his father betrayed him.

The scenes most open to interpretation, however, are Yaz’s. While the others are fairly direct in showing the character’s fears, Yaz’s doesn’t provide information in that way. Similarly, while Ryan and Graham talk about their visions, the extra context for Yaz comes in the form of an almost equally cryptic flashback. Using information from other episodes, it’s possible to work out that Yaz ran away from home due to bullying and other harassment, and is almost certainly suffering from some kind of depression, given her general attitude in the flashback. And given the context, it’s quite possible that she was not only depressed, but also suicidal. Yaz is in the middle of nowhere, doesn’t seem to have taken many possessions with her, and simple wants to go “away“. The Sonya in the dream tells her to “Do it right this time“ - and notably, uses “you run“ as a justification. To me, this implies that running away isn’t what Yaz should be “doing right“, but something else.

This provides a signifigant new context for Yaz’s entire character and her actions. Her tendency to try to empathize with various side-characters isn’t just a product of general community-mindedness, but comes from knowing exactly what it means to be alone. Whether it’s a outcast in Stuart England, a blind girl in modern Norway, or a millenia-old Time Lord, Yaz isn’t just trying to be generically friendly - she’s trying to intervene before they end up where she was. It also gives some insight into why the Doctor is “the best person [she’s] ever met“ - the Doctor’s entire thing is to show up and beeline to the nearest person in need of help. And it will explain Yaz’s actions in Resolution, where she refuses to give up on the Doctor.

Overall, Can You Hear Me? is a bit weird. The main plot ends up going a bit all over the place, and it just sort of stops. But there’s also some interesting scenes in here for the companions, which I think are deeper than a lot of people give them credit for. There isn’t quite a consistent quality over the course of the episode, but it does end up on the decent side of things, at least.

[faireth-reed]

This is a message from lord Nergal

Why. They had so much potential and they just did the obligatory stuff.

Best boy is here to see his sister, to be carried by Hector and he has a nice art that reminds me of Narancia Ghirga from Jojo. But he's blue! There are already too many blue dancers and dragons, any other color would have been better!

Rath's art is nice, somehow. Something feels off though, like when they forgot about Naesala's nose. But his skills... Will every cavalry archer be green from now on or what? Only Sue has decent skills, so if you have her, both Python and Rath become almost useless. The bow is not unique either, but I guess the good part is that he'll be demoted, so easy to get.

I got sad when I saw Leila's A skill and heard her voice line, I hope they don't focus all of her character in spoilers. It's nice that she got in Heroes, but colored daggers exist, so she could have been paired with Matthew better.

People who haven't played FE7 will hardly be able to guess Fiora's personality. She looks too young and not serious at all? Also, her skill makes her dependent on both Res and Spd (the most powercrept stat). Why?

Heath will probably get the Haar treatment. I didn't use him much on my gameplay, so the deception won't be that big. His art seems cool, though.

"Dread isle" and only 2 of 5 characters are related to it. I've already assumed that Uhai will never be in Heroes, but seeing that title for the banner is like rubbing that fact in my face.

Also, no Nergal or morphs? I really doubt the Legendary/Mythic banner will have him, but I have the impression that the ones who worked in this banner don't know much about the game.

And really, there are many more relevant characters to add. Not just my husband Oswin, but many others who were closer to the main cast and more relevant to the story.

Well, I guess that if Leila was added despite not being playable, we can have a little hope to see Uther? (I don't trust them to add Elbert, but both him and Jeralt deserve a Love Abounds banner).

[inventors-fair]

Planar Combo  commentary

With the end of this week and a new challenge ahead of us, let’s wrap things up by looking at all the submissions for planar combo. In case you missed them, press the links for the winners and the runner-ups 

As I said in those posts I was very happy with the number and the quality of the entries, but here I will be a little bit more critical. One complaint I have is that some planes were over-represented (Ravnica) while others didn’t even get a card (Tarkir, Ixalan, Kaladesh). Also, while I gave permission to go nuts, some designs were a bit plain. That’s not an inherently bad thing but playing it safe can only get you so far. 

On to the designs...

@aethernalstars​ Good balance and an inventive use of mechanics. Combining two situational mechanics was a bit risky but the resulting bonus might end games quickly in a dedicated deck.

@dabudder​ An incredible Timmy card that it would be an obligatory include in the 99 of all 3+colored commanders if printed! It almost made it the winning posts but as I said it was hard picking the winners!

@gus-goose I love it how you wanted to mess with escape when it’s not even out yet. Someone’s hyped :p Tribute cards were generally weak, so adding recursion will force the opponent to choose twice during the game. Scaling down the card a bit would make it more intimidating.

@khyrberos​ The epitomy of a toxic card, both in terms of flavor and power level. Players almost surely would play this for 3 and then burn decks would kill people faster than Thano’s Snap. The death trigger is frightening as well, though being an enchantment, it’s a bit harder to exploit (the first exploit that comes to mind is just play a new one cause it’s legendary). If this was 5 regular mana, it would be a lot safer for everyone.

@shakeszx Transform ain’t technically a mechanic, but I appreciate the effort you put into trying to twist Miracle, as this card has a miracle cost higher than its normal cost! I’d rather having the enchantment part of the card be a trigger that produces the “front” effect each turn than a “new card” altogether because the sum of what I see here is a pretty stuffy design.

@starch255​ A selesnya megacard! It’s nice to see more convoke matters cards like Venerated Loxodon, so in theory it’s a neat card. However populate doesn’t work the way you want for this card’s purposes, and including the reminder text is like scoring a goal for the other team. A quick fix/power up would be ~ populate X times, where X is the number of tokens that convoked it.”

@reaperfromtheabyss​ I don’t usually care about whether entries have images or not but damn, this is a fitting image! A really solid and balanced card, though it lacked the wow factor (see below)

@partytimesdeluxe​ Nice mechanical combo and the name/ flavor text amplify the overall feel of the card. I kind of wish there was some hybrid white action in too because the UB color combo isn’t known for token making or cheap creatures in general. It would also give the feeling that Dimir’s reach into Selesnya is more “tangible” as it would spread into the gameplay itself.

@gollumni​ Great name and constellation ability, they create a really nice image . However there are tiny “flaws” on the card that drag it down. First as a general rule, graveyard effects appear later on the card, because they aren’t as relevant as the actual effect. Escape is new, and I understand you wanting to use it, but enchantments are generally hard to remove so I don’t know how important it is for the card. If this was an aura or if you introduced a second color in the main or the escape cost that encouraged self mill, this card would probably feel more “whole”.

@grornt​ The Simic were a favorite in this contest, and you did a great job combining it with bloodthirst. I also find it hilarious that you can give +1/+1 counters on your opponents creatures when they enter the battlefield so you can fight them. There’s a thin slice in the Green’s color pie for big weird creatures and you were spot on!

@i-am-the-one-who-wololoes​ There’s a fine line between risky and balanced and I think you might have crossed it with this one. Power level aside I would like to comment on your choice of mechanics. Storm creates copies of the spell, so if an opponent wants to somehow mess with your plans, they would have to interact with each copy, which is practically impossible save for specific storm hating cards, so regardless of the actual effect of the card, split second is kinda extra. An equally extra card would be an Eldrazi with Ingest and Annihilator 3.

@hypexion​ This is our only Kamigawa card, and it’s as bizarre as the artwork of its spirits! And you used the two weirdest mechanics from the plane too. It’s hard to grasp the power level but one thing I don’t like about the card is that it’s so overly specific it cannot exist by itself.

@vasnirada​ Graft 0 surely caught my attention but the shock value didn’t live up to the hype. It’s a great card for both early and late game, but it’s more complicated than it should be, and the Graft part of the card isn’t pulling its weight.

@top-hat-von-rattle-bones​ The combination was really unexpected and once you figure it out, it does put a smile on your face. However though the heroic trier nets you mana and gives you a stickier board, you accomplish it by weird gameplay and loss of cards, so the pros and cons kinda cancel out each other.

Let’s say you got Ajani’s pridemate and this on the battlefield and a giant growth in your hand. If you want to “cheat-attach” Najad to the pridemate you would have to sacrifice the giant growth, which would also fizzle because its target, Najad is no longer a creature. Maybe with some more work, a heroic bestow creature would better.

@coolflashyname​ If the recent standard format taught us anything, it’s that Undergrowth and Surveil go really well together. I like the spicy detail that Jerrav can shuffle itself in the library so you can repeat the etb (almost surely exile target creature). In a library with few remaining cards, it can be a real menace!

@greensunzenith​ Above we saw a tri colored card that combined two mechanics, and here we see the color shared by the two guilds being used! Simple and efficient design that requires some small setup. I wish there was a cycle of cross-guild oaths. You might as well consider this a side-challenge.

@snugz​ Isn’t it funny when you get similar designs from different people? @reaperfromtheabyss​‘s design lacked the wow factor, this bad boy on the other hand lacks the brakes for the valuetrain. a 4 mana 4/4 (practically) undying is already good enough and the trigger is both draw and burn for the opponent. Maybe with a tweak in the mana cost or the trigger are required.

@nine-effing-hells​ Yet another Simic card. But who can blame you? I love them too! A+ card type (which is the main quality of Simic cards) A+ flavor text, starting stats and abilities. If the challenge was about uncommon cards this would be an absolute winner!

@koth-of-the-hammerpants I didn’t count Skulk as an ability, it belongs in the things that could be evergreen but we don’t use them. The design is a bit busy and the end result, is you being able to refresh Eszti. Undoubtedly, it’s a good card, especially in grindy games but I think you overestimated it. The white part of the card and the mythic rarity are a bit extra.

@juggernaut-is-a-metalhead The second card with addendum today. Turns out it’s more popular than I thought. I really like the card, choosing between surprise kill and an army of small creatures to sacrifice etc. The combination of Bloodthirst and Addendum is a win more situation though, especially when you compare one token with flash vs 5 sorcery speed ones. Maybe it should care about power and not toughness.

@teaxch​ I can’t decide if the flavor text is sad or funny, guess old habits like grave looting never go away :p On the actual card, though simple it’s a really good common card, you can build a 3/3 flyer on turn 3! I would pick it early!

@morbidly-queerious​ Simic and Selesnya, this time on a hybrid card. This could make a really nice Bant commander, combined with the various +1/+1 counter lords from across recent mtg sets.

@karkavicious-vantas​ Last card... wow lots of entries! So Imprint and Metalcraft! And self metal replication from small creatures you control! Really nice value design and aggressively costed! What I like most about the card though is that metalcraft exists as a way to limit the value production! Unorthodox (because usually we have X thing matters to reminded ourselves for bonuses) yet very smart! Also pairs great with the name!

[aurantia-ignis]

L,M,N,O, & P :D

L: Your favorite fanartist/author gives you one request, what do you ask for?Do… I even have ONE favourite… ^^; I have a lot of favourite artists/writers from different series and with different styles, so what I ask for would depend on who offered me the request slot haha. Off the top of my head though…. For writing, I’d ask sad-goomy for either the superhero Lona AU or the GrimMara AU, and artpharos for the SoDa superhero AU. For art, I’d ask Miu for Lona with Silvally and an army of Rowlet family.M: A person who got you into a fandom and what fandom they pulled you in toMizu, or Atowaito on twitter, got me to watch Yes Precure 5/GoGo and it was a really fun watch! Also both artpharos and Sakami got me into Gundam Build Fighters and it’s such a shame barely anyone ever talks about it ;__; N: Your favorite fandom (for the people; not the thing you fangirl over)HmmmmMMmm! I think maybe a selective group of people from the Tales fandom ^^; To be honest I don’t really spend a lot of time talking to new people or strangers because I’m bad with building social links lol O: Choose a song at random, what ship does it remind you of?I picked up a playlist and shuffled, and it went to “The Time Has Come (Pikachu’s Goodbye)”Obviously it reminds me of Pikachu and Ash/Satoshi’s friendship LOL–Next shuffle was “Team which is the character theme of Taichi and Agumon from Digimon Adventure 02 so it’s another friendship piece HAHAHANext shuffle was Sakura Kiss (Piano). Being from Ouran, the first thing that pops to mind is my OTP of Haruhi/Tamaki. Although I preferred the art and humour style of the anime, it unfortunately ended way too early, and I followed the manga all the way to the end. Ouran is still one of my all-time favourite series, and definitely my favourite (reverse) harem series. And this ship here? I would go down with this ship. THANKFULLY IT’S CANON AND NO TRAGEDIES ARE INVOLVED. ;w;P: Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).Since you’re the one asking… Lonashipping it shall be => I used an AU prompt generator and this is what it gave me:

…which is hilarious. So let’s do it!

- Moon is a regular high school girl who is actually good at studying so maybeeee not so regular. She intends to become a vet one day due to her love for animals.- One day she comes across a strange small owl getting attacked by what looks like vicious hellhounds and she tries to chase them off. - The owl gives her a magical bracelet called a Z ring, and with the power of moonlight she transforms into Lunaala, a magical being with enhanced strength, speed, and defense. At this point Moon is screaming internally about how unscientific everything is because owls aren’t supposed to talk and magic isn’t real, but with the hellhounds trying to rip them apart she decides to magic battle first, chat later.- With the power of a crystal that the owl gives her, she defeats the hellhounds. The owl, who calls himself Rowlet, explains that they come from the magical Fairyland. Queen Lusamine of the Aether Kingdom has suddenly invaded the Luna Kingdom, imprisoning Princess Cresselia and bringing darkness to the land. - Rowlet was sent by Princess Cresselia to the human world to find someone who can inherit the powers of the legendary heroine Lunaala, to fight against Lusamine and her evil henchmen. Unfortunately, the hounds caught up to him when he reached Earth, and in the battle, the Z ring’s sources of power, Z-crystals, were scattered all over the earth. (actually just scattered in Moon’s hometown, because magical girl plots are always considerate of the fact that main charas are too poor to globe trot) - Rowlet asks Moon to fight for the Luna Kingdom and retrieve the Z-crystals, but like a sensible human being, she refuses, because she has School and Life to deal with. She returns the Z-ring to Rowlet and wishes him luck in finding another heroine. - Unfortunately due to the powers of plot, it appears that Z-crystals get tainted by negative human emotions, causing the human it comes into contact with to become a Monster of the Week villain. Moon couldn’t stand by and watch Rowlet and her townspeople get hurt, so she reluctantly puts on the Z-ring again. - Cue episodic structure of Bad Guy attacks using power of Z-crystal, Moon saves the day and retrieves the Z-crystal and gains new Z-move. - Of course Queen Lusamine realises that someone’s put a spoke in her wheel so she begins to send stronger henchmen down. This includes people from the Sol kingdom, brainwashed by Lusamine’s dark powers to fight for her. - Moon defeats every one of them until Lusamine sends this Dark Prince against her. Yeah, this is actually still a Lonashipping AU HAHAHA- The Dark Prince has a (star powered) Z-ring of his own and rides a powerful creature called Silvally. He weakens Moon and takes off with the Z-crystal she had been trying to retrieve. This happens a few times and Moon is getting seriously tired of being on the losing side, even though she hasn’t officially lost to him yet.- Obligatory break episode when Moon meets a random stranger called Gladion who looks somehow familiar. She buys him malasada and they talk and get along well enough. Gladion tells her that he has a younger sister, who is in grave danger, and his goal is to save her by finding something important. Moon shares with him her worries about having too many responsibilities heaped on her that she doesn’t feel ready to shoulder.- Neither of them realise who the other person is by the way- But when they do find out the drama is great- Moon is furious and accuses him of pretending to be friendly to get hold of her Z-ring. Gladion retorts that he had never thought of her as a friend. - Their biggest battle yet ends with Gladion seriously injured, but Silvally tries to protect him and Moon stops from delivering the final blow. Unlike the hellhounds which vanish into thin air, she can’t bring herself to kill either of them. Hellhounds arrive and carry Gladion off.- Back to episodic Z-crystal collection for a few eps. Moon is uneasy about why there has been no action from Lusamine. - Final Z-crystal collected. Return of the Dark Prince, in a brainwashed form similar to the other Sol kingdom folks. This time, his powers are enhanced dramatically and Moon struggles to fight him. But Gladion hesitates before the finishing blow, giving Rowlet the chance to rescue her. - The tables are turned and Gladion is defeated. They take the (moon powered) Z-crystals from him. Gladion blacks out and Moon takes him home. - Obligatory hide the strange man in the closet so parents won’t smell a rat- When he wakes, he tells her that Lusamine has both his sister and Silvally in her clutches. Moon suggests they work together to bring down Lusamine. - They travel to Fairyland together. - Ok I need to stop because this thing is getting too long and too detailed omg. Just random points from here- Rowlet’s true form is actually a powerful Decidueye. - Obviously Gladion and Lillie are both Lusamine’s children. Lusamine herself had actually been controlled by the Demon Lord Faba, who sought to rule over the whole of Fairyland. - The Sol Kingdom had fallen under Lusamine’s reign not too long after the Moon Kingdom fell.- One of the major final bosses is a huge monster Darkrai. She turns out to be Princess Cresselia. - Lusamine herself changes into a giant jellyfish monster for the final battle. - After they win, they banish the Demon Lord back into the demon realms.

[choutaihencorysama]

Okay y’all, I want to talk about the tournament arc??? Best tournament arc ever

So much raw emotion, and they had like, 5 different animation groups working different episodes

I’m biased, I was hecka rooting for Newt, but it was obvious the one and only winner could be our lord and savior Cory-sama, even with the obvious fake plot twist uwu

Still, I really liked the Newt vs Cory-sama battle, even if it wasn’t in the finals

If it was in the finals though, could you imagine the intensity??? The only way the tournament arc could have been better! But besides that, it was absolutely perfect, very kiss-your-fingers-like-an-italian-chef sort of MUWAH!

Also, obligatory Newt appreciation time!! Friendly reminder he’s the most underappreciated characters in the entire franchise, and honestly he deserves the world and even more. His epic guitar skills were one to put the most legendary to shame, and that one episode where he had a playing contest against the devil himself and won??? Absolutely amazing! We need to talk more about Newt! <3

[blogging-phelddagrif]

Un-Format Deck Tech: SQUIRRELS!!

[you can see every deck tech here]

Hello & welcome to this weekly deck tech! Last week I've said that this time around it's going to be a very special deck tech and I wasn't lying; starting this week I'll add to the format rotation an Un-Format deck tech! I thought about doing Kerfuffle, but honestly I've brewed quite a bit around it and the Un-Sets just don't have enough cards to make EDH decks outside of a few archetypes, most of the time you end up having to play bad cards and it doesn't feel great. So the decks in this format are regular 60 cards casual decks with only silver-bordered cards. This week to kick things off we'll be talking about SQUIRRELS!!. This deck is, well, a Squirrel tribal deck, you guessed right! Let's get right into it!

Squirrel Lord

This is the end-game of the deck, you want to land one of these bad boys and pump up all your Squirrels. Weirdly enough, Earl of Squirrel is not legendary, so you can just play a few of them and have a huge board of beefy Squirrels. Plus, this also generates some more tokens on it’s own so that’s even better!

You Like Squirrels?

Getting 2 1/1s for 1cmc is always good, especially since everyone likes Squirrels. The cool raccoon known as Squirrel Dealer lets you have an early board presence and just gets better as the game goes on, pretty good card.

Robo-Squirrel

It might be a 1/1 for 2cmc, but this card can put in some work if you play it right, plus it’s a Steel Squirrel. Now you might think to yourself “but how am I going to roll some dice?” and fear not, this is where the fun begins.

Dice Loving Squirrel

Now we’re getting the Dice theme rolling (get it?) with Snickering Squirrel which lets you increase a die roll, which can help trigger Steel Squirrel (among other things) this card is just nuts (get it?) in this deck.

Dice Really Matters

You’re now getting more value out of your die rolls, if you’re able to get a couple Snickering Squirrels on the board you’re assured to always trigger Chittering Doom to get some more Squirrels on the battlefield. If you can keep this on the board long enough you’ll build yourself a huge army!

Do You Feel Lucky?

Since we’re all about those die rolls, might as well try our luck. With our various dice manipulation and dice rolling effects, this card can actually win you the game fairly quickly. Get yourself a few turns with As Luck Would Have It on the field and you’ll see how fast those counters add up.

Hitting Those High Rolls

This is another great way of making sure you’ll trigger your cards that want high die rolls. With the mix of Squirrel-Powered Scheme and that Snickering Squirrel you will roll some high numbers every single time for sure. But so far we haven’t really seen what makes us roll dice did we?

Rolling Mana

This might not seem like a lot, but being able to roll a die every single turn, on top of adding some mana, is huge. You’ll for sure get some tokens with Mad Science Fair Project and it helps accelerate your game & board state; just a solid mana rock.

Obligatory Rocks

Get used to these cards because they’ll be in every single Un-Format deck techs I’ll be doing. Every time I’m brewing an Un-Deck I ask myself “does this deck wants to run a Mox & a Black Lotus?” and obviously the answer is yes...just look at Vintage...so I always end up playing these cards. There is NO REASON to not play this in a deck, it’s free mana (& Jack-in-the-Mox lets you roll some dice too). Just a quick thing though, from experience, instead of tearing up Blacker Lotus in pieces, you can usually agree with the other players to just remove it from your deck for the rest of the match (not just the game) and they’ll always say it’s okay. Unless you want to spend 4$ each time you use it, or a lot of tape.

Side-Plan

I’d recommend playing a couple of Squirrel Farm as a side plan. It’s really easy to use since people don’t know magic artists that well, especially for Un-Sets so you’ll get a nice amount of tokens through this.

Feeling Spicy?

Now I don’t technically recommend you play this, but if you’re feeling a bit crazy you can go ahead and use Form of the Squirrel, just make sure the token doesn’t die...

Wrap-Up

That’s it for this week! I hope you guys enjoyed this deck tech as much as I did, because I really love Un-Cards! This new Un-Format deck tech will be part of the format rotation from now on so expect to see them every now and then. If I missed anything please let me know. I’ll see you guys next week for a Standard deck tech!

[literary-stabs]

The Roles We Bear - Part 1

AN: Well it seems like a handful of you out there liked this enough to give it a chance. So I’m going to keep going because I’m stupid eager to share this. This part is just a bit of catch up on where our dear princess is and a little teaser glimps at our to be protagonist. This should be building up more in the next part. Patience and feedback is appreciated!

Warnings: None?

Wordcount: 1.8k 

One Week Ago

"People of Elyxtra, I call to you seeking your courage, and your compassion." The King, or rather, the cousin of the once beloved King Tonomi Mensa, Lord Atlas, spoke on the balcony positioned at the front of the city square. Below him gathered a crowd that was satisfactory for his purposes. He'd sent out word the day before that he would be calling an assembly of the city for an announcement. Non obligatory but of great interest to everyone. He was a clever man, though many had their suspicions of what the gathering was for, the lack of detail pulled at any busy body's curious side.

"The time has come, the seasons are changing and the ice has melted through the pass. I know many of you know the tragedy of my dear cousin Tonomi and his beloved wife Karra. During this season many of you are focused on the crops of the year and getting land ready for the spring rains and growth. However, I make this plea that you also keep Princess Nikota in your hearts and minds. With the opening of the pass, I will be sending out willing men in service to attempt to rescue her from her prison." He drew a breath and lowered his voice while also keeping it loud enough to be heard. His voice mimicked something much more solemn.

"You all must be tired of my request of you to save her. And I beg your patience as we continue to try to reach her. With each continuing year I worry we may be too late. But to honor the late King and Queen's memory, I will never give up. And I hope none of you will either. Gods' speed, to our noble men." And with that his speech, his well practiced and very familiar speech, was finished.

It was a speech he gave every year. Every year with the melting of the ice and snow in the mountain passes, the city capitol could expect the speech to come. Many came anyway, to gauge the response. To see if there was any news. Knights and service men, soldiers from other cities, towns and kingdoms even, came across the land to aid the rescue in Princess Nikota Mensa. Some for the glory, some for the challenge, but every one of them was drawn by the idea and promise of the grand reward. Treasures and riches so plenty that it would keep a man fat until the end of his days.

"It makes you wonder, if the princess is dead by now, ya know." A female voice murmured to her companion who nodded in agreement.

"'N if she isn't, how she could still be alive. Or sane. Poor thing, being trapped away for all these years. She could ne'er possibly adapt to the way things are now." The other reasoned. Silence took the two as they watched men and women in the square, some leaving, some mingling, some gathering into tighter groups. There were several groups of knights and soldiers. Some baring the deep violet and silver of the kingdom, some striding in other, foreign colors of neighboring lands. Though one thing was the same among them, aside from their goal.

They were all in groups.

All except one who stood to the side, who watched alone as the socialites mingled and the men of service planned. They stood with their arms crossed, clad in a suit of black leathers and thick fabrics resembling a lion's hide. In small, strategic places chainmail shown through where it was thickest, particularly around the shoulders and chest. A small line of it peaked out at the bottom of the knight's tunic to suggest it left no area vulnerable. The knight wore no colors, no distinguishing markings. Their face was covered by a hood and mask, leaving only their golden eyes to be seen.

If one was to pay attention to the lone knight they'd notice these things about them. They'd also notice that they stood a bit smaller than the average serviceman. That their eyes were remotely feline in the way they watched people. However, the mystery knight didn’t stay long in the square before departing to ready for the upcoming adventure.

Currently.

"Nikota, are you up there?" A lilting feminine voice called up the spiraling staircase to the tower library where the princess certainly was. Soon after, the owner of the voice appeared in the small library's doorway and looked curiously to the princess sitting in the window. "What're you doing dear?"

"Daydreaming, I supposed." The princess sighed, looking in her caretaker's eyes through the window reflection. Andrelia wasn't a tall or filled out woman. She really didn't take up much of the doorway with her wiry frame. But the way in which she watched her ward, taking her in with those wise and well knowing jade eyes made her seem like so much more than she appeared. The older of the two chuckled and shook her head slightly, knowing that the girl would come out of her head when she wanted to. "Did you need something?" She asked, turning to face the older woman finally.

"I was going to ask if you'd like some lunch. And to see how you were feeling. Next week is your twenty-fifth birthday."

"And in two days it will be the anniversary of the day I was sent out of my home in the middle of the night. The last night I saw either of my parents." The words were spat out bitterly, giving Andrelia a good gauge as to an answer towards the princess' mental state. Fourteen years. Fourteen years they'd sat hiding, waiting, in this tower. Only Andrelia was ever allowed to leave. Not that Nikota hadn't tried. But after the situation had truly been explained, she had realized what staying in the tower meant.

It meant that her parents were likely dead. That maybe someone was coming to save her. That maybe someone sent by her parents would come and finally give them the signal that it was safe to leave. But it had been fourteen years. Many people had come, many knights, treasure hunters seeking to "rescue" her from her prison. To slay the legendary dragon and save the princess. Whether for glory or for her hand in marriage, she didn't know or care. They all came, and none of them were the right ones. None of them were there for the right reasons, baring what sign Andrelia was searching for in each of them.

"And if your mother could see you right now she would be so appalled to see her daughter sulking in the library before her birthday." Andrelia taunted lightly. "Why don't you come down and eat then we can spar and you can take out all this mood with some swordfight." And with that she turned back in the doorway and started back down the stairs to the levels below, her long graying blonde locks swaying with excessive attitude.

"Maybe I'm moody because of my cycle." Nikota muttered crossly.

"No." The caretaker sang in reply. "Your cycle was a week ago. C'mon princess. Time to get off your window perch."

The princess couldn't help the small smile that tugged on her lips as she stood and brushed herself off. Andrelia had been around as long as she could remember, even before she had fled from her home. And as long as she could remember, the woman had never treated her like a privileged royal. She'd refused to raise the young girl to be haughty and high browed. Instead they'd trained over the years, studied and fought so that if the time ever came, Nikota could provide and defend herself like any seasoned soldier.

"You say that like you've never had your share of mood swings." She continued as she entered the kitchen, seeing Andrelia work on something that looked like it was going to be pasta salad. Sharp green eyes darted up from the task at hand, a smirk following not far behind.

"Not at all. Actually your mother had some of the most dramatic mood swings I've ever seen in her younger years. Even more so while she was pregnant with you." Andrelia recalled, deft hands chopping carrots up finely on a wood block. "Sometimes I would visit and find your father hiding in the farthest, darkest sections of the library to find peace and quiet if only for just an hour or so." A softer smile now replaced the other on her lips. "Though it was obvious how in love with her he was, he bent over backward for her whenever he could."

"I wish I could remember more of them." She lowered her sapphire gaze, a color that looked so much like her mother's, she'd been told. She remembered them, her mother's eyes, remembered the love they'd held every time they'd looked into her own.

Andrelia put a soft hand on her shoulder but said nothing, she let the younger female have the moment in silence. There were no words she could say to make this better, none she hadn't tried already in past conversations and late night confessions.

-

Nikota loved the peace that silence in the tower brought along with it. The ancient stone bricks absorbed sound both from the inside and outside. Some might think that could be isolating, but she'd grown to love it. Loved being able to sit in her window seat at midnight and watch the stars and the clouds outside. The moon had just started its new cycle, hovering over the valley little more than a sliver. Lower on the horizon a new spring storm made its way closer. Good, she loved the rain too.

A movement near one of the trees caught her attention, drawing her gaze to focus in on that area. There was a cluster of trees on one side of the valley that she supposed constituted as a forest but when she was so high up and could see all the edges of the trees it felt too small to be a forest. The trees were tall with thick trunks and branches that reminded her of a willow except the leaves grew like a maple. The motion she saw was just against the closest border of the trees.

It was a small shadow, or at least smaller than the trees. At first she thought it an animal until she saw that it was too tall, and bipedal. It moved with a purpose, that much was similar to an animal on the hunt. She wondered what it was, it looked humanoid, but so did the fae and pixies in the surrounding area. Nikota narrowed her eyes, trying to get a better look when the clouds suddenly lit with a flash of lightning, illuminating the area and the figure before shrouding it in darkness once again. A gentle hiss against the window pane alerted her to the rain, the downpour the storm clouds had been heavy with, along with the rumble of thunder. Even in the brief moment she knew what she'd seen.

A dark figure clothed in blackened cloth, hood over their eyes and mask over their face. It was a person. Someone was coming for her. And they were nearly at the tower.

Taglist: @kategcko @ask-the-egos @danger-in-design

[artholomeow]

FE lords ask meme

@pharalis tagged me and I’ll never pass up an opportunity to think/talk more about fire emblem........

@tinzeal and anyone else who enjoys themselves some FE, go ahead and do this if you want. No pressure.

Marth: Which Fire Emblem continent is your favorite?

I... don’t really care too much about the geographies, tbh. Especially since they’re always made of the same components (mountainous wasteland of roughness and wyverns, snowy poncy place of better-than-thou and peg knights, The Obligatory Desert, the place where the secretive tribe hides...), so it doesn’t seem to make too much sense to separate them to me. I guess I like Tellius...?

Alm: Favorite male Lord?

Ike’s a good boy, and I like Alm (even though his lineage devalues the point of his narrative imo) and Chrom. Hector’s always a hoot, and Heroes gave me a new appreciation for Seliph as well. I have a lot of love.

Celica: Favorite female Lord?

Celica’s a good one. I’ve also got a soft spot for Lucina, and if Micaiah had been done justice, I’d probably like her best.

Sigurd: Favorite class?

Mages. Especially dark (and to a lesser extent light) mages. Etzel, Raigh, Canas, Sophia, Knoll, Lyon, Pelleas, Henry, Leo... Honestly I probably wouldn’t like half these characters half as much as I do if they hadn’t been dark mages.

Seliph: Favorite skill(s)?

Adept and Galeforce. The more times I get to attack, the better.

Leif: Which character(s) do you most want to see added to FEH?

I don’t know. I would say Soren, but he recently got added, so I guess I have no regrets.

Roy: Favorite legendary weapon?

Ragnell...? Any weapon that lets me counter more of the scrubs that try to kill me, really.

Eliwood: Least favorite recurring character archetype?

The dumb, boisterous axe-user, if nothing interesting is done with them. Vaike was alright, I guess? But generally I just don’t care for them at all.

Hector: Do you prefer units that focus on defense/resistance or strength/magic?

Glass cannons all day every day! I’ve never even heard of this “defense” thing you’re talking of.

Lyn: Do you prefer units that focus on speed or on strength/magic?

Speed is God. Myrms > Mercs any day.

Eirika: Which game would you most like to see a sequel (or prequel) to?

I think Sephiran’s story would be really cool, 

Ephraim: Favorite sibling relationship?

Hoo boy. I guess the three herons? They’re all very different but they all support one another very well.

Ike: Favorite FE character in Smash Bros?

Robin, definitely. Corrin’s nice too but you know I just can’t pass up a mage.

Micaiah: Favorite healer class?

Falcoknights........? War Monk/Cleric? I.... I just want to smash heads....

Kris: Favorite avatar (includes Kiran and Mark)?

Uhhh, pass...? The ones that don’t have any personality I just don’t give a single heck about, and other than that there’s just Robin and Corrin, and they’re alright but... I guess I just don’t really have much of an opinion about them?

Chrom: Favorite FE ship(s)?

Ike/Soren. No one else even comes close.

Robin (M): Magic or physical weapons?

Bruh. It’s gotta be magic. On top of most enemies generally having worse res than def, magic is just plain cool.

Robin (F): Melee or ranged weapons?

Sniping fools from way away, chipping away at their health while they’re incapable of fighting back. It’s gotta be ranged.

Lucina: Favorite child unit(s) from any FE game?

Owain. He’s an idiot, and he’s really good at it. Not to mention he’s skilled enough to completely change his fighting style when he moves to Nohr.

Corrin (M): Favorite type of transformer class?

Hard to say. Post-localization Manakete maybe? Or ravens or herons. I suppose there isn’t a heron character I dislike, (and that’s counting Sephiran and Micaiah.) but as a class they’re... kind of lackluster.

Corrin (F): Favorite dancer (or variation)?

Its gotta be Reyson. The most beautiful boy you’ll ever meet, filled with enough anger to break all the bones in his own hand just to punch a gross asshole? Hell yeah!

Alfonse: What character in Heroes can you just not seem to be able to get?

Lucina, I guess? There’s a few event costumes I’ve wanted to get, but of most characters I wanted, I managed to get at least some version. But I’m also not hugely bothered? I’ll just get who I get, and sometimes getting someone I didn’t expect to can be really good.

Shareena: What character in Heroes have you gotten far too many of?

Barst, Bartre, Donnel and the original Pegasisters. And male Robin keeps showing up too, doing his fancy summoning animation even when he’s only got three stars, the show-off.