#one thing i am missing in op is like the toll of everything being on luffys shulders

[hauntingblue]

VIOLA!!!!!! STAB THAT MAN IN THE EYE!!!

[mantra4ia]

The Rise of Skywalker: Expanded Reaction Episode II (spoilers ahead)

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, I must preface my opinions with the one central point of view that has never wavered: you can be a Star Wars fan and a film critic simultaneously.

Dislikes (big and small)

So in this new trilogy, does everyone know all about the secretive Sith? No one knows where Exogol-Sith-home-world is without a wayfinder. Yet some random spice traders know who the Sith are and that they have a runic language, but nearly the entire Jedi culture disappeared until the tale of Luke Skywalker revived it. This dislike is not isolated to RoS, but it's so odd considering that in the prequels and OT, the Emperor did not put the knowledge of the Sith right out in the open.

Too much telling, not enough doing. I detest plot reveals via exposition, because a majority of the time explain-y dialogue is far inferior to natural conversation. But for two-thirds of the movie, I couldn't settle into the world because I felt like I was being told a Star Wars story instead of being in it. Case point 1: Poe's argument that Rey is training instead of being on the front line to try to verbally push the narrative that she's not just naturally too-gifted. Case point 2: Explaining Force heal to the audience (via droid) after its already been demonstrated as if we can't interpret how it works. AND YET we get no planet captions? Who's advice are you listening to? Disney could spell everything else out in dialogue when it was unnecessary and borderline condescending to audience, but when it mattered you couldn't give us planetary captions so I blinked and missed the fact that we opened with Kylo Ren kicking a** and taking names on freaking Mustafar! That was a great scene. Epic. Kylo’s on a mission, and there ain’t no questing here - it’s as fast and direct as the throat punch. He’s tired of being jerked around, he’s in a position of power to demand answers, and he’s going for the head of the Emperor, all while I was like...was that Mustafar, that was Mustafar, except now we just left Mustafar. DAMMIT.

We see the repair on Kylo's mask but not the repair of Luke's saber, or Rey building her own saber? TLJ broke the most iconic lightsaber and RoS just fixed it off screen (see point above)? I suppose this shouldn't be shocking since they introduced Palpatine IN THE CRAWL, but it was disappointing.

Did like the opening crawl, did not like how it was used as Palpatine’s business card. I think my exact words were: did they really, what kind of movie am I here for?

Leia's death. I don't buy for a second that establishing a Force visitation with Kylo across the galaxy was enough to kill her. TLJ (in my opinion) demonstrated enough to establish her as a powerful force user, which Rise of Skywalker doubled down on using the flashback training scene. So no, I don't think the exertion of it was enough to take her life unless it was inferred that she either wasn't recovered from the events of TLJ or that the Force sensitive impact of Luke's death was taking an extended toll on her, or that she was somehow already overdoing it trying to use other Force abilities behind the scene to protect the resistance/ reach out to Luke. I understand that with Carrie Fisher's (rest in peace) sudden death it would make certain practical sense for Leia to die if fitting, but put all that explanatory dialogue to some good use for once and build up tension so that Leia's death makes sense.

Luke's Force ghost being underutilized. From the beginning I didn't have a problem with Luke's conclusion in Last Jedi (minus a subtle eyeroll at the noble sacrifice trope being easily confused with honor) because it doesn't bother me whether a character is living or not as long as they are still growing. I thought, I hoped, I legitimately put money on the fact the Rise of Skywalker would use Luke in the training of Rey or the haunting of Ben and that he would play an active Force ghost role. He was used for damage control. That was infuriating.

Han Solo. I recognize the irony of this moment being in both my likes and gripes. While I liked seeing Han bestow Ben forgiveness, even if he was just a memory and not a ghost, it quickly became a hollow sort of nostalgia. FULL POST HERE.

Why in the world is there an arbitrary 16-hour frame before the Exogol fleet strike? The Last Jedi gave us a slow space chase and now what, the executive team thinks that the polar opposite is the answer? So you already have to wrap of an entire saga in a 2-3 hour real world runtime, and you've decided to amp up the pace and cram that into 16 hours of Star Wars time just for funsies while the Emperor broadcasts propaganda to kill morale? Rushed, forced, we just spent a chunk of the movie at Fyre Festival in a space desert, don't tell me there wasn't more time to allocate for imminent doom.

So essentially, we had a StarKiller base in TFA, mini-Death Star canon in TLJ, and a thousand Death Star planet killing cannons on Star Destroyers? LET that part of THE PAST DIE!

The execution of Leia training Rey. The idea was wonderful...in practice you can really tell the dialogue was built around her, and the scenes suffer for it. Execution, for the sake of preserving the character Carrie built, may have been accomplished by Tricia or Joely Fisher or her friend Meryl Streep as a way to still honor her.

A case for triple / quadruple convenience. Star Wars has always been a universe of happy coincidences, but Rise of Skywalker takes them to new extremes to the point it smacked me out of the movie. Every movie has it's own unique level of “good faith reserves” after which point plot conveniences elicit “you've got to be kidding” reactions. This happened to me during the setup of Force healing. FULL POST HERE.

Execution of Finn's character. Apart from his force-sensitivity and connection to the trooper defectors, I think Finn's plot regressed in this film each time he had to follow in Rey's wake every time she went solo, (going after Rey in the sciff, yelling Rey in the Death Star battle, Rey I have something to tell you). I thought that we had gotten past this in TLJ when Finn found purpose in the Resistance and something worth fighting for, but old habits die hard. 

Scavenger hunt questing and the damn Sith Dagger. If part of this was in the crawl, that might have been good with me. I get that Rey's a scavenger – it's good to see her in her element like TFA, climbing through the Death Star at the culmination – but it's far too time consuming to do the double header of dagger/wayfinder and coincidental. She could have been standing anywhere on Kef Bir, the oceanic moon of Endor, but she happened to be standing exactly where she needed to be with no reference to force power, and the tides hadn't moved any part of the wreck and the topography hadn't changed at all for the protractor on the dagger to work?! I’m a nerd about mathematical, logical tools, but they don't work well in a Sith alchemy plot! Even when we try for logic, the convenience appears, which could have been passable if I still had good faith. In the words of John Mulaney, “you spent it already?!”

Nostalgia aside, where are the stakes? They're trapped in a sand cave / wait, no they're not. They're being hunted through Fyre Festival and they don't have a get away ship / oh yeah they do, and its fully fueled, parked in the open, not stripped for parts. There are about five different “fake” deaths where the tension releases so fast, and two real deaths of spies that should have been given beats but were skimmed over: Chewie's dead / but no it was the wrong transport, 3PO's peril / never mind we've got backups, Zori wants to turn Rey in for bounty / then they have the quickest fight in Star Wars and are on good terms. Instead of taking big risks and getting reward, this film banked on unraveling the plot by the flip of a two-headed coin and settling for surprise “Oh, they did wot now?” instead of awe.

“Retconning” The Last Jedi / plucking it out of the timeline. Rise of Skywalker, in many ways, feels like a direct sequel to The Force Awakens. Direct slaps to TLJ include but not limited to: Holdo maneuver “one-in-a-million,” and Luke plucking Rey's saber from the fire. “A Jedi’s weapon deserves more respect (except when its Kylo’s),” and Luke lamenting about going into exile as a mistake. Concepts that could have been accepted, some even verbatim foregone conclusions from TLJ, were it not for terrible execution clearly framed at goodwill appeasement.

So, the Knights of Ren were window dressing? They just follow Kylo around like bouncers and when he turned to the light, they turned on him? A) Like the praetorian guard for Snoke, they are supposed to be loyal to Kylo and if they’re not we should get to see that, B) they just made Ben look boss as he took them out. Epic saber fight, lackluster idea, especially when the Knights were so speculated on and could have had mythos. Take them out of the film and put Luke's ghost in. Problem solved.

Rey as a Palatine / OP (Overpowered) Rey. All the one-ups that ensued between Rey and her grandfather. No thank you. I don't mind that she has power and is very naturally and diversely talented, don't let lineage play a factor. It was vastly more meaningful when she was ‘ordinary.’ I could go into a whole dedicated post on this.

Hux as a spy? No, I can't imagine that's what TFA set him up for. Interesting concept - I don’t want you to win, I want Kylo to lose - terrible setup. The Last Jedi did it better, Benicio del Toro is one of the only things I'll give Canto Byte credit for.

What even is the point of Zori apart from a character used to deliver a plot point of security clearance? She is very much used to prop up Poe's story. I like the idea of the character, I don't dig her role, and even more so I don’t like how the destruction of her planet first was used to fish for emotion. Invest more in Poe's struggles ascending to acting general.

Palpatine overall, from his intro in the crawl to his motives – He's such a cool, larger then life character, it shamefully never feels like we JJ knows what he wants out of the Emperor as his villain. Palpatine's motivation for decades was the dark, unnatural Sith ability to live forever sought by his master Plagueis before him, yet in RoS he's so utterly content to say “kill me so that you can ascend to Empress and I can flow through you (possess you)” – and then the discovery that draining the “Dyad in the Force” can regenerate him changes the plan immediately. Principally its an interesting idea using him as a puppet master to tie *all* the trilogies together, but for me it didn't work as nothing else about his character felt cohesive. And then when his own Force lightning is blasted at him, hasn't he learned to stop using it (throwback: Mace Windu) and pick up a saber and fight. Fool my once, shame on you, fool me twice and I'll cut you down. Wouldn't it be so great if, despite his wizened state, he still had latent combat skills? We were sooo robbed of that opportunity.

“Undermining” Anakin’s arc as the chosen one. I don't think bringing in Palpatine undoes Darth Vader's sacrifice – because Anakin still brought peace and balance to the Force when he sent Papatine back to the shadows. Balance restored by nature is not a permanent state, so it makes sense that the balance Anakin brought would eventually be challenged - but it does take away from the satisfaction of his story, especially considering that we do not see him return in physical form.

I get the "Be with me" use of Force ghost voices from all the Star Wars mediums. It was teed up right in the very beginning of the training montage. But you’re STAR WARS, you are making history. Go big, take a risk, PUT THE FORCE GHOSTS ON SCREEN (or at least a few from the central saga)! Give me Obi-Wan, Anakin, Yoda, maybe Mace, Luke, and Leia bestowing their energy on Rey, or go home! I mean my goodness, the Emperor had Snoke clones, but they were just sitting around as props in tank. If you wanted to go really big you could get all the clones of his main Sith disciples on screen (Snoke, Maul, Dooku), and have him force drain them to illustrate Sidious matching the power of the Force ghosts. But instead Disney played it safe.

Rey’s return to Tatooine and taking on the name Skywalker. FULL POST HERE with better options than appropriating the name Skywalker, especially considering that the plot does plenty to fulfill the film’s marquee during the Final Order Battle on Exogol when Rey embodies the Force of the Jedi and they will her to RISE. Taking on the name by contrast seems to trivialize via overkill what was delivered on (imperfectly, but powerfully).

The death of Ben Solo / “the redemption”: This depends on largely on what how you define and merit redemption. I can see why some loved it and others hated it – if you define redemption as “Kylo turned good after all that universe wrecking carnage and now he has access to light side force ability?!” then I can see where you didn't like or want his redemption arc, and might be satisfied with his death as a conclusion. If, like me, you didn't see Kylo's redemption not as the act of turning good but rather turning to face his own reflection / the thing he most feared – himself – exactly like Rey – and that's what allowed him access to the light side abilities to heal, that's fascinating as h***.  My gripe is I don't think Ben needed to die for the redemption to work or as a way to finish his arc. (FULL POST HERE) Again, why another Luke-themed noble demise? It could have worked for Luke’s character because Rise of Skywalker follows TLJ and gives you room to breath and play. But there’s nothing after this episode for Kylo in the same way.

So peace was created by defeating Palpatine and his fleet? Nah. First of all, Rey killed Darth Sidious exactly like he “wanted” her to and yet he didn't possess her as promised, while an order of Sith stand around watching– okay, was the Emperor really that attune in his Force Cognizance that he expressed with full confidence to his followers “whatever happens, the ritual will be complete. Don't move, sit back, enjoy the show”? And there's still the fragmented First Order (see the previous point above). Not every First Order officer and ship were loyal to or trusting of the Emperor and his comrade General Pryde, so it would stand to reason they didn't all heed the call to the final order and join the fray. What happens to them now that their Supreme Leader (Kylo) abdicated and then died? Yes, they are far fewer in number and they no longer have the firepower of Exogol behind them so they retreat into that shadows and regroup like opposition always does. I don't believe for a second that they all gave up or were defeated by the groundswell of Resistance. And now we are right back to where Return of the Jedi left us almost beat for beat.

Initial Reaction *** Episode I *** Episode III

[thebestplltheories]

PLL The Perfectionists - 1x01 Pilot LIVE REACTION

WE ARE BACK!!!!

Ok I’m gonna do what I was doing for PLL where I react as I watch. But before I copy and paste the live reaction, I want to give my quick overview. That was by far a 10/10. That achieved everything a pilot should achieve. It introduced us to the characters, each of their stories, and the relationships each character has with one another. It set the overall tone, that this is a murder mystery with twists and turns to come. It established what the show is about. And it had occasional small shocks (I say small because there’s only so much that can be shocking in a pilot when everything is brand new). This was exponentially darker than the PLL pilot and for that I’m so grateful. We are cutting the high school airy-fairy (is that word used outside of Australia?) drama and going straight to scandals and a murder. I’m scared to see the ratings tomorrow because I want it to do well but hey it was trending worldwide on Twitter so that’s a good sign!? The show looks SO promising. I think I’m already in love with the cast. I just want to know more about everything and everyone and omg we are back!

LIVE THOUGHTS:

Love this intro! It sets the scene very well about the whole theme of perfectionism.

WAIT IS DYLAN PLAYING POKERFACE BY LADY GAGA HAHAHAHAHA

Okay sorry but that song ain’t it (“two can keep a secret if one of them is dead”). Why does it sound like an auto tuned choir? I’m happy for change. I actually don’t want the exact same version as the original series. But this one ain’t it. Is it too late to change it???

Wait, why is Alison walking around her new apartment like she’s walking around Jenna’s school for the blind in 710? If she lived 2 years of happiness and freedom of A, there’s no need to be so sceptical of danger every time you walk into a room. Anyway, doesn’t really matter.

Just the backing music throughout the scene is very PLL-esque! Yes, there is such thing as PLL backing music. And this is it.

Mona making a grand entrance!

I feel like Ali’s reaction to seeing Mona was a bit... underwhelming? If they haven’t seen each other in 2 years I expected a bit more of an “OMG”, and a “how did you get in my apartment”, etc. But they go straight to the point and cut the fluff so I don’t mind overall.

Mona recruited Ali. I knew it. And she works at BHU, we already knew that.

Emison is having trust issues. But she wants to do this for the kids. Ok I expected more detail there to satisfy the Emison shippers but whatever, I won’t cry at night.

Ok so Mary and Alex escaped Mona’s “dungeon”. That’s fine by me. Maybe that’ll be the storyline for a PLL movie later, who knows. It’s quite a vague answer but what did we expect... Mona to ADMIT to Ali that she captured her aunt? No. Mona could never explicitly say to Ali what she did. Hence the subtle pause before “... escaped me”. Only us the audience know the true meaning of that and I love how subtle yet meaningful it is.

Why do I feel like this security system is gonna play a massive toll throughout the entire series?

Loved the little Easter egg of seeing Mona, and Mona in the mirror (2 Mona’s). A subtle symbol/reference to her split personality in PLL.

I LOVED the scene of Ali teaching in the classroom! I got How To Get Away With Murder vibes...

Remember when we all thought Taylor’s death would be the main death of the show because of that memorial with her name on it... lol. Okay I’m calling it now... come back to this in the apparently mind blowing season 1 finale... Taylor isn’t really dead WE HAVENT TECHNICALLY SEEN A BODY

Love the complicated friendships going on between Dylan, Nolan, Ava, Caitlin! There’s a lot going on about faking being friends and faking tasks to uphold the image of being perfect. I love this theme and I feel like it’s super relevant to today’s world. Like especially social media. Everyone’s instagrams are always filled of their highs. And they’re mostly edited. No one ever posts/shares their low moments.

So no one knows of Ali’s past. Hmmm. We’ve had this discussion before, I don’t think it’s realistic that no one knows the name Alison DiLaurentis - surely that was on national news when “dead girl isn’t dead anymore” made headlines. But anyway. If they wanna pretend no one watches the news, it wouldn’t be the most unrealistic thing PLL has done.

Is Dylan the gay male character Marlene said she was going to introduce in PLL season 5B? Lmao about time.

WOW that flashback of Caitlin and Nolan just gave me PLL season 1 Alison flashback vibes! Nolan plays the bad manipulative guy so well just like Ali played the bully so well in flashbacks!

Two moms don’t make a right hahahaha who wrote that

Sofia looks FLAWLESS in the pool scene OH MY GODDD. AND her voice is so soothing what the hell

Love how the first scene of Nolan’s mother shows her standing on top of the staircase and the camera panning up. Great directing there. Showing she’ll be like a supreme leader. And then the camera being over her shoulders looking down on Nolan. Again great camera work which conveys the message that she is the boss of this town. I think she’ll be our new Jessica DiLaurentis lol

“I’d like some time for myself” ... “to do what?” OUCH why is that so iconic

Eli is... doing great. He comes across very confident. A star in the making?

Love the cinematography period. And Portland is beautiful!! Better than the Warner Bros lot.

Omg Nolan’s mother gathering “attractive” people for her photo op. Lol, they really are big on presenting a perfect image.

“You saw somebody else” NO CAITLIN, ALISON SAW YOU wow these kids will adamantly lie to uphold perfectionism. I keep saying that but I just love this theme!!!

“I know a little bit about manipulation” hahahahaha Ali

Omg Ali is so good at learning their lies. Of course she is, she’s had years of practice

The woods, Nolan? Nothing good ever happens in the woods.

Lol when Nolan tells Dylan to “kiss me” and Dylan actually contemplates it (and does it). That’s the type of power Nolan has over people.

I love how Ali is trying to help them! I can see a bond eventually forming here.

This scene where Nolan cheats on Ava isn’t shocking since they unfortunately shared it in the promos but hey a douche is a douche.

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK IT’S TAYLOR WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOVE

OK I KNOW I GUESSED ALEX DRAKE BUT THIS IS A NEW RECORD FOR FASTEST THEORY TO COME TRUE

Well it wasn’t really a theory I was just joking that she’s not really dead because we didn’t see a body but still do I get a point? Lmao

Nonetheless that shocked me! I love that they’re trying to take down their own family, that’s so dark and it’s only episode 1!

Yes Alison is already getting suspicious. Solve this one please Ali

Sorry I put my phone down during that scene in the woods. I just knew it would be juicy and I wanted to immerse in it properly. I frickin adore this scene. It’s creepy in tone, set in the woods like classic PLL, they’re referring to Ali like a friend and my PLL heart is content, and this is the first time they’re all bonding over one thing: wanting Nolan dead. This is probably my favourite scene in the whole episode.

So I’m guessing the vibes are that they were being recorded in the woods about how they want Nolan to be killed? But didn’t Nolan turn off the security?

Mona gets in her car and chucks a big bag in the back seat. Where was she and what was in the baggggg

Ok that was a bit dramatic Ali (“why am I really here”)

Lol I had to rewatch that for a sec. I thought Ali said “and his dead sister who I just saw pick him up” and I was like wait what Ali knows Taylor’s alive??? No, “dead sister who I just saw a picture of”.

OH MY GOD WHAT A MISSED OPPORTUNITY!!!! THAT SCENE WHERE THE 3 OF THEM ARE WALKING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER... NOLAN’S BODY SHOULD’VE FALLEN TO THE GROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM RIGHT THERE! That would’ve been iconic. Like “oh well we were just kidding about all that, good night xx” then nope bam dead body. But I guess he had to die with poles through his chest as Caitlin said.

Oh Marlene. That’s a LOT of dialogue for a death scene. I hope you can back up and explain what Nolan is talking about before he died. Don’t you dare tell me that was an interpretative dream. Again that’s a lot of dialogue for a death scene. You better know who that killer is Marlene! Don’t make it up the day you write the finale!

I don’t like how we didn’t see Nolan ACTUALLY be killed. They play it safe because they don’t want to show us the killer in action. they basically copied the format of Mona’s “death”. Just change the scene to a flashing ambulance with a lame transition lol.

Another missed opportunity. Mona should’ve said to Ali “they found a body”! That would’ve been iconic in every way possible. First it was Ali’s body now Ali is finding a body and hearing the news and ugh oh well

My god that’s a violent death. And pretty early in the series for a Noel-Khan-level death. Too bad the photos leaked online and we knew that Nolan would not only die, but die like THAT. Those extras/fillers on set really should get charged for having their phones on them and leaking shit. Isn’t there copyright laws or something???? idk

Ummmmmm what? What kind of sci-fi, dollhouse level bullshit is that? That’s kinda over the top. Ehhhh. We’ll see where that goes.

My brain right now instantly got to thinking if Nolan’s murderer will be the “A” of the series or if the killer will just be the main mystery for season 1? Is “who killed Nolan” going to be the overarching story of the entire show or will they answer that sooner rather than later and then start a new mystery? I wonder what the format of this show will be. That’s where my mind is right now as the credits play.

[dream-beyond-the-fantasy]

Saturday at GalaxyCon Raleigh

I was too exhausted to post on Saturday, so I will try to recount everything now.

My cousin Alexis and I left out at a little after 7 am, making a few stops (atm, gas, Starbucks).  We took back roads instead of taking the interstate.  Still a roughly two hour drive, but it was scenic and low traffic.  We talked about favorite Tim Curry movies and horror movies (good vs. bad, remakes) and listened to some of her favorite podcasts during the long drive.  Parking wasn’t a problem and we ended up arriving like fifteen minutes before the doors were meant to open.  There was a huge line that we had to wait in because there were so many attending on Saturday and they weren’t opening doors for anyone unless you were con staff or a vendor.  The waiting in line wasn’t too bad; it was mostly the people with VIP or 4 Day badges who were whining that they couldn’t get in yet.  As our line got closer to the building, I spotted @boxofficequeen2416 and said hello.  Thankfully, it wasn’t too hard to find the pre-registration desk or a bathroom.

Our first stop was the Exhibition Room.  We decided to walk the outside first and work our way in before trying to find the celebrities and Tim Curry photo op line.  God, it was so fucking crowded and suffocating.  We saw how long Curry’s line was and decided to wait a few hours, checking out out other celebrities.

Our first stop was Chris Sarandon, as he was on the end and was a main draw for my cousin.  She had planned to do just an autograph, but decided to do the combo.  Alexis got her Jack Skellington Funko Pop figure signed.  When he asked her name,  Chris mentioned that he has a daughter named Alexis.  He also asked if he could put his arm around her in the table photo.

My first stop was Barry Bostwick, as he had hardly anyone in his line.  I did the autograph/table photo combo.  I brought something to be signed by him.  It was an oversized movie postcard that came with my Cult Films textbook from college.  Barry hadn’t seen anything like it and had to take a picture of it with his phone.  He signed it “Dammit Kristi, I llove you!”  He took two selfies with me.  He was super sweet.  He had asked me what I went to college for (Media Studies).  When I told him that I didn’t get a job in that field mostly because I didn’t know what I wanted to do, he was very kind and told me that it was okay and that I would find something that I was suited for.

My next stop was Daphne Zuniga.  Out of all the photos for her to sign, there was only one for Melrose Place.  Can you believe that?  One of the two roles she is most famous for and only one photo for it!  Naturally, I had to get that autographed.  I also told her that I was currently watching the show and had just watched an episode that morning.  She asked what season I was on.  I told her that it was the third season and I think it was maybe the nineteenth episode of the season.  Daphne couldn’t even remember what had happened in that season.  That struck me as a bit odd, since she was only in the first four seasons.  I told her that Jo was pregnant that season.

Next up was selfies with Kristy Swanson.  She was really sweet and patient while I tried to get my phone ready.  She took four pictures with me.  I told her that we shared the same name, but one letter different.

After the panel was over, I met boxofficequeen2416 again.  I really wanted to join her for the Anthony Michael Hall Q&A.  But I knew my cousin was waiting for me.  We were going to try and get into the Tim Curry line.  No go, the staffer said try again at 2:45.  So, I got in line to get an autograph from Jonathan Frakes.  It didn’t look so bad, compared to how it was earlier in the day.  OMG, I was in line for a fucking hour!  My cousin tried calling me three times and texted twice while I was in line and I was worried that con staff would freak out because I had a phone out.  It honestly wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for VIPs and their “fast lane”.  Damn line jumpers, ugh.  But Frakes is such a sweetie who loves to talk to everyone getting an autograph and/or selfie.  Sadly, that also makes things take longer.  I got my DVD cover of Star Trek: First Contact signed by Frakes.  He starred in and directed that film.  He told me that it was is favorite movie.

I went over to Anthony Michael Hall’s booth, as there was hardly anyone there.  I had my DVD cover for The Breakfast Club signed.  He was really nice.  He shook my hand and thanked me for coming. When he was about to sign, he asked how I spell my name, as there are about twenty different ways.  I got compliments on my shirt, which I told him I wore just because I found out he was coming and that it has been my favorite movie for years.

We walked around a little more.  Alexis bought some things for herself and a Bucky print for a friend.  I found the Bard’s Tower booth and immediately spotted Timothy Zahn.  They did free signings!  I had Heir to the Empire signed by him.  I also had a promotional Decipher card depicting him as Talon Karrde, Michael A. Stackpole as Corran Horn, and Shannon McRandle as Mara Jade signed.  I received that card eight years ago at StellarCon 36 after I told Mike Stackpole that Tim Zahn was my favorite author.  Stackpole signed it and hand it to me, telling me to hold onto it until I had the chance to get Tim to sign it.  About 11:45 or so, we headed over to buy food.  I got a pepperoni pizza from Papa John’s.  She got some macaroni and pork, as well as a bottle of tea.  The food was so good, but she felt hers wasn’t worth the $14 she paid.

Nearly four o’clock, we decided we were exhausted and ready to start our two hour journey home.  There were several people that I missed out on seeing, but we had a great time.  I hope to be back next year.

Then we decided to take a break from the Exhibition Room.  I unfortunately missed out on Catherine Tate’s Q&A.  But I knew Jason David Frank’s would start soon.  Alexis went out to the video gaming section and watched a few games being played.  JDF was nearly twenty minutes late to his own panel.  When he finally showed up, he apologized.  That man looked damn good in a suit.  I wish I could have gotten a clearer picture of him.  He is such a nice, down-to-earth guy.  He even stated that it is perfectly okay for fans to try and take a picture of him, despite the con rules.  He told us how he got into acting, how he received his role on Power Rangers, his cameo in the 2017 movie, and showed us the trailer for The Legend of the White Dragon, a Power Rangers fan film that he and Johnny Yong Bosch are trying to film with other ranger actors for the fans.  OMG!  We need this so badly!  I’ve never donated money online or done anything with Kickstarter, but I am so tempted to do it for this.

After that, I think I went to see Christopher Daniel Barnes.  I was originally just going to get an autograph, but his handler talked me into the combo since his prices were so cheap ($40 for both).  Poor guy barely had anyone at his table, compared to his costar (Barnes voiced Prince Eric in The Little Mermaid and the mermaid herself Jodi Benson was always swarmed by fans).  Of the potential photos to be signed were mostly Prince Eric, at least four different 1994 Spider-Man: The Animated Series prints, one which I didn’t recognize but also had Robert Hays (which I have since learned is Starman), and only one Greg Brady from The Brady Bunch Movie/A Very Brady Sequel.  Naturally, I chose Greg Brady.  Barnes is definitely a nice guy.

I believe our final venture was the Tim Curry photo op.  The line was considerably shorter, thankfully.  I knew that Curry had a stroke a while back and was in a wheelchair.  But as soon as we went behind the curtain, I wanted to cry when I laid eyes on him.  I am aware that he is in his 70s, but it appears that his stroke has definitely taken a toll.  And the hours of exhausting photo ops probably hadn’t helped (he started at 11 am and was supposed to go until 5 pm).

[realitachifacts]

HCs about Itachi and his dreams, nightmares, sleeping habits and alternate states of consciousness. Does he get insomnia? Anything about parasomnia? Maybe a brief writing about it.

okay i just finished this and wtf it ended up being so long. i am not editing the story so if there are typos or anything sucks to suck for me.

headcanon time! i’m really excited for this one not gonna lie.

itachi has nightmares. many of them. this… makes sense, really, considering traumatic experiences induce vivid nightmares and, actually, blind people have more nightmares (though the difference is much slighter that that of the average person if you become blind later in life). 

i’m gonna get into the blindness first before i get into the nightmares. some of this is probably going to be scientifically inaccurate, but i mean… this is an anime headcanon.

the more his blindness progressed, the less visual the dreams became, focusing more on sensory experiences; at the same time, the imagery incorporated became more “familiar territory”, by which i mean the elements involved show up in a way he’d been familiar with for a longer experience of time. i guess the best example would be, before the final showdown, he’d seen sasuke once, at around age thirteen. the last few times he was able to see even anything in dreams, one of the few visuals that remained was his family, at the age he killed them; despite not seeing them in years, playing solely off of the most prominent memories. 

as he began to see less and less in general, before blacked-out dreams, the more the things less important to him would fade away, out of sight.

as far as dreams go, it’s likely he had very few positive ones while in the akatsuki. i’d imagine more of them came when he could no longer see, but it was still painful, to hear the voices of loved ones and not be able to look into their faces again in the only way you can, knowing you have only a few months left to live.

now onto the nightmares.

more or less as an interesting concept alone, but for the majority of his life, itachi never had nightmares. stress at night manifested solely through insomnia rather than having bad dreams. since he’s a ninja, i would imagine learning to remain composed is sort of an essential asset of the job, and he was probably taught how to do this, so he could at least force himself into sleep, even if he woke up several times or barely felt rested in the morning.

he’s had dreams though, but that’s never been something all that significant to him; i don’t think any of them have been super good dreams. 

[ okay just note that i haven’t gotten to the shisui death scene yet i just know that it happens and that’s about it so i’m probably interpreting some stuff wrong ]

but when that happened he couldn’t sleep for 10 full days until he passed out from sleep deprivation.

the first time he had a nightmare was the first time he was able to sleep after killing his clan. 

okay actually that’s cool i’m gonna write something with that. ugh OP… your mind…

obviously the nightmares were trauma-based. he had them up until his death, but the further away from the time the event occurred, the more abstract elements worked their way into the dream. he still had the dreams after he lost sight in his dreams, and he felt a bit guilty about it, but he was grateful he didn’t have to look at the eyes and faces of his clan members as he killed them.

for a while after the sasuke encounter during part I, sasuke played a more prominent part in his nightmares, for a good while.  

the majority of the nightmares involve bad things happening to sasuke, or him killing his clan, or havoc in the leaf village, since i doubt anything harm that could come upon itachi scares him as much as the thought of those three things. 

i imagine both dreams and nightmares are very vivid for itachi, being an observing/calculating/analytical individual he takes in more and has more to process.

as far as parasomnias go, dream-enacting behavior might’ve happened once or twice but i can’t imagine much beyond that. 

as for sleeping habits, probably just mindfulness exercises before sleeping, because being someone introspective and having done/been through terrible things you feel guilty about that giving yourself time to think before you sleep is probably not the best of ideas ever. 

with worsening depression/illness, itachi’s wanting to just sleep all the time probably amplified. it’s particularly hard, knowing that after closing your eyes the misery will continue or even worsen. 

):

as for altered states of consciousness, i have a personal headcanon that using genjutsu efficiently requires a calm/collected/well cared for mind, otherwise you might not be able to control or even, worst case scenario when you’ve totally lost your marbles, get trapped in your own genjutsu. so i would assume something like meditation/mind training in some way would help you maintain that.  

i think that covers everything?

now for a story.

Itachi Uchiha has never had a nightmare before in his life.

“Why?!”

He doesn’t need to.

“W-Why would you do this?!”

He’s living one.

Itachi talks about wanting to prove his vessel.

Doesn’t mean a single word of it.

… , …

He spends the rest of the night running, getting away and putting as much distance between himself and the Hidden Leaf Village as is completely possible, and in his head the moment plays over and over and over, but it doesn’t feel real, he’s existing in this dreamlike state, as if he’s repeatedly reading some page of a book because his eyes are blurred, unfocused.

He appears calm, at least, he thinks, as he stops running; the one area falling short of perfection in his academy exams was stamina, but a fighting style rooted primarily in genjutsu more than makes up for that missing proficiency. He has… a lot of emotions to process, really, it’s foreign territory when the majority of his emotional responses have a tendency towards being at least moderately underwhelming. This whole endeavor, every part of it, it’s been so stressful, so painful, deep hurt powerful enough that it manifests physically in his body, chest bleeding with.

Sadness.

Loss.

Loneliness.

Remorse.

He wonders if he should feel remorse, or at least, if remorse is logically applicable here. He was doing this to save the village, it would have happened either way, but at least this way Sasuke his safe, holding that sword with the metal drinking in and shining out the colors of moonlight, silver gleam broken by patches of slightly rusted crimson, red like roses lovers give to each other; blood of his ancestors and uncles and aunts and cousins and his parents and. And anyways. His little brother would’ve died, if it had been anyone but him. His clan was going to stage a coup, start a war, the death toll would’ve been worse, so many of the Uchihas would’ve died in it anyways, at least he put them out of their misery fast, and-

These are rationalizations.

Itachi knows this.

But he saved the village, he thinks. 

It was going to happen anyways.

Sasuke will grow stronger, Itachi will ensure it, kill him and paint the clan name in new colors; clean off the bloodstained sins Itachi left on his blade. Sasuke will go back to the village a hero, Itachi thinks. Find happiness and acceptance, slaughterer of his criminal brother, sociopathic mass-murderer, heart and soul black as the eyes of crows.

Itachi is orchestrating his own divine justice. Playing as a deity in order to be purged by an angel of his own creation.

… , …

He’s sitting underneath a pine tree, long bark-wrinkled branches with needle fingers hang lazily from its sides. It’s still night, but in a few hours, it’ll be dawn, Itachi’s internal clock estimates. Still, the sky above him is as dark as a scorpion’s carapace, white stars speckled across like the shine on its shell. By now the world up above the deciduous forest is moonless, clouds consume it like parasites. It’s not that cold, or it could be colder, but maybe Itachi’s body is just numb from.

Everything.

Anyways, he’s exhausted. Doesn’t know where he’ll go from here. Thirteen-year-old self too life-drained to carry on much further. He lays down on a bed of pine needles, rough against his back, stinging in minutely; closes his eyes.

He thinks sleep won’t come easily.

He’s wrong.

But Itachi promises himself one thing before he fades down into unconsciousness.

If he can, he never wants to kill anyone, ever again.

… , …

Itachi is in the Uchiha compound, night’s almost fallen, the sky is painted indigo from the tail ends of dusk.

-

Many battles ensue. 

Itachi wins all of them 

-

His parents sit next to each other, in their room, side by side, execution style.

They talk about some things.

Itachi kills them.

-

Sasuke is crying.

If you want to defeat me, you need these eyes, Itachi says.

He’s already mentioned that he never cared about him, this whole time.

There’s nobody else in the world Itachi could ever care about more.

… , …

Itachi wakes up with tears heavy in his eyes, breathing hard, the milky pink of dawn has managed to claw its way into the sky and the first breaths of light whisper down between leaves and what was that.

Rationally, Itachi knows it’s a nightmare, but his heart is still fast and his breathing is a bit sped up and his eyes are wide, less characteristic emotional expression (though the normal tends to be majorly apathy, with any other responses muted partially). 

He’s.

He’s never had one of these before.

It felt so real, and his dreams, they’ve always been vivid, mainly processing stressors or other events that provoked a more intense response from him; he’s never needed to analyze them, because his sleeping mind still holds hands with reality, and so now, this, this reliving it, as it happened, had to look into his relatives’ death-fearing eyes, had to act on notions antithetic to his moral code of pacifism, had to murder so many people. 

Itachi shakes his head, tries not to dwell on it for too long.

He has a life he needs to figure out what to do with, until its preordained end.

… , …

He has that dream many, many more times.

It doesn’t get better, any of them.

… , …

Itachi is already halfway out of one of the two beds he’s rented at the inn, soft and luxurious and feather down mattress, as Kisame begins to speak. Asks Itachi if it’s another nightmare.

Itachi says nothing. The yes is unspoken.

Kisame asks Itachi if it’s the same one.

“Partially.” Itachi says. “Though devoid of all visual imagery.”

Kisame makes a jest, something along the lines of ‘finally, huh’? Itachi finds it non-offensive. He’s trying to be supportive, lighten the situation. Itachi doesn’t laugh at much anything, anymore. Kisame still tries.

“It’s been this way for some time, actually.” I just never wanted to talk about it.

He’s going to sit outside, take some space, as he does. This is a regular occurrence. Kisame tells him to come back soon.

… , …

Itachi comes back after around thirty minutes. Kisame is still awake, likely awaiting his safe return. It’s considerate.

He reminds Itachi that they’ll be at the Uchiha Hideout soon. 

Itachi wouldn’t have forgotten ever. The scene of the final showdown, holy retribution, smite by the angelic.

… , …

This is Itachi’s last night alive.

He hopes the night is dreamless.

… , …

It isn’t.

But actually, in a good way.

… , …

Itachi is practicing shurikenjutsu, he’s around thirteen, sort of, leaps into the air in cat smooth motions, the throwing stars bounce off of each other and white shines across the metal. It’s warm and summery and the rare breaths of wind are hot, comforting almost. The trees are painted golden at the edges by sunlight, shuriken impale the targets on them, biting into their canvas skin.  

Perfect score.

Sasuke is there, too, a child, around seven. He’s smiling and there are stars in his dark eyes and he’s looking at his older brother like Itachi is going to give him the world. 

“Can you teach me that, too?” His voice just bleeds excitement and awe, he wants to be just like his older brother who is the Best Ninja Ever. Itachi extends his hand, moves his fingers in a ‘come here’ motion. There’s a half moon smile of white teeth suddenly there on Sasuke’s face, he runs towards his brother, and Itachi uses his index and middle finger, pokes in the middle of Sasuke’s forehead, who flinches back, makes a pouting face, knowing the next sentence by heart.

“I’m sorry Sasuke, maybe next time.”

“You always say that.”

Itachi smiles apologetically, then thinks about it. Is he really busy right now? He usually is; he planned to finish his training and help his father with some mission work. But… Well, considering the state of things, he might not have more opportunities like this.

So that can wait until another time.

“I think I may be free now, actually.” Itachi sees Sasuke’s whole being shine brighter and warmer than the sun.

-

Itachi teaches Sasuke the beginnings of shurikenjutsu. Sasuke learns quickly, and glows in every word of his older brother’s praise and encouragement.

-

At the end of it all, Sasuke grabs Itachi, hugs him tight.

“Thank you, older brother.”

And Itachi feels…

Happy.

… , …

Suddenly, things are different. His body hurts, all over, it’s cold around him, dark, Itachi’s vision is blurred and then he realizes where he is, remembers that this world, this is his reality. Kisame is already awake, it’s morning, they have to get ready for… what’s next, for Itachi.

Kisame tells Itachi that he should’ve woken him up earlier, but he didn’t.

“Why?”

Apparently he was smiling in his sleep. Kisame asks what he was dreaming about.

Itachi has to think for a while, before he finds the right thing to say.

… , …

“How things should have been.”

[avasharpescanary]

So we spent this weekend in London at Heroes and Villains, and I swear to god it was one of the best cons I've attended. The main highlight for me were the guests: Caity Lotz, Katie Cassidy and Juliana Harkavy made our weekend! 💖
Caity Lotz is so beautiful, she has the bluest eyes I've literally ever seen. I mean... I was weak at the knees in her presence. Sara Lance means a huge amount to me, so getting to meet her (even though the photo ops were so brief) was amazing 💖 She complimented my Lance family shirt in our Lance sisters op which made me melt a little... 😍 But then in my solo I accidentally smacked her in the stomach because my damn arms wouldn't cooperate... My shoulder decided to freeze so I had to kind of swing it out... I don't think it was hard and I did apologise, but I still feel awful about it 😩 
So grateful that I got to see her, even if I didn't get to wear my Avalance "I don't want you to be normal" shirt (damn, that quote... I'm with Sara on giving up on never having a "normal life" so it means a lot! ❤️). Just so grateful for her general beauty and existence 💖

Katie Cassidy is actually an angel and I love her. Again she's SO beautiful and so so sweet... Ugh. I've loved her since Supernatural, her characters have literally bookmarked my university career, and it means the world to get to see her again 💖 On Saturday we got to give her the gifts that we'd got (a little game controller squishy thing, a book of cute cat pictures and a love spoon) and I swear I was so anxious about it I was shaking before we even approached her booth. I was so nervous about the love spoon, because really it's a super intimate thing (they're an old Welsh tradition, given as engagement or wedding presents) and I was so worried that she would think it was weird... But then when we gave them to her she seemed to really like them (which was a relief!) and I got to explain the tradition a little bit and everything. She was so sweet to us, and genuinely is one of the nicest people I've ever met. I may or may not have shook and for like an hour after and cried a little through sheer relief that she liked the presents and also love for her.... 😭💖

Then on Sunday we went back for another selfie and for me to get my auto, and I managed royally screw the whole thing up. I could feel myself talking kinda like a robot when I was trying to tell her how much Laurel means to me. When I get really anxious/stressed I get these moments where my mind is just blank and I basically forget the English language (thank you medications and chronic pain for that!) and that was what happened... I managed to ask her to write the quote I wanted to get "This is me being strong" but completely neglected to tell her why because I was so busy trying to remember how to talk.... Basically, it's a Laurel line from a scene in season 2, after Sara (as the Canary) stops her from relapsing into alcoholism in a particularly stressful situation involving hostages and shit. Laurel is talking about how she just wanted her sister to see that she could be strong (not knowing she's talking to Sara). The whole scene Laurel is just so brave and so strong, and it's one of the scenes that has made the biggest impact on me. 
I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for her to film the entirety of season 2, because Laurel went to such a dark and brutal place. I can't imagine the toll it must have taken, but I can say that I love and appreciate Katie Cassidy for showing me that even when you're at rock bottom you can be strong. I don't have an addiction problem, but I do have chronic pain which is becoming more and more debilitating as the years go on and an addictive personality. It would be so easy for me to fall into the path that Laurel did, but I hold on because I need to prove to myself and to everyone around me that I am strong despite my pain. 
The thing that I didn't manage to get out was that I am going to get that phrase (in her writing, since I now have it) tattooed on my right arm. When I was 15 I tore the tissue between my thumb and forefinger on my right hand, and from there my life changed forever when I developed Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. The pain that was contained to my right hand has now spread right up my arm, around my neck and down my left arm, and I'm currently also being tested for rheumatoid arthritis- yay for yet more pain! But with all of this, I have held on. As Laurel, even before she became the Black Canary, Katie has been my superhero. I fight on every single day and enjoy every single second because that is what Laurel Lance would do. I wanted to change the world, and I still do. My pain has basically taken my dream of doing that in the way I wanted away from me, but I will find another way and I will come back stronger. 
There is so much I could say about what Laurel Lance has taught me. I've been confronted by my own cruelty as a sibling through watching Sara and Laurel's early interactions; the scene where Laurel throws the glass after Sara as she leaves the apartment honestly gave me chills. The relationship between my brother and I has been strained for many years, mostly because of a difficult school life and the fact that due to his Autism he would frequently meltdown, and I was the main target for that. Even now I still am to an extent. I'm not as brave or strong as Laurel, I can't go to him and ask him not to hate me, at least not yet, but I have had a mirror held up to me and I'm trying to be better.
When I found out that Laurel died (I started watching very late) I was crushed. She was someone who had fought so hard to get back to the top, and then was snuffed out in the most pointless of ways just as she reached her peak. I was devastated and my depression worsened quite considerably for a while because if Laurel Lance, a genuine superhero, could not have her chance to shine what hope do I have? It made me feel hopeless, because all of that fighting and all of that struggle that inspired me so much was for nothing. It was a waste. I refused to watch Arrow for months after because I could not bear to see an episode without Katie in it. It wasn't until she was announced as a regular for season 6 that I started watching again... Laurel Lance means the world to me. Without Katie Cassidy I wouldn't have been able to complete my degree, because I would watch videos of inspiring Laurel scenes on a loop while I was completing my dissertation; it was all I had to keep me fighting on. 99% of my 2:1 belongs to her. 
But yeah... That was a super long ramble and it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of how I feel about Laurel and about Katie...

The surprise of the con for us was Juliana Harkavy, what an actual angel that woman is 😭💖 Lexie and I were both in love as soon as we met her on Saturday; I mean I was pretty sure I would be anyway going off social media but you never know. I feel really bad that Dinah has annoyed me so much this season now... Although that's not because of her! We both said when we were talking about it that we've never felt so comfortable talking to anyone at cons- she's got a way to put you at ease instantly and it's amazing and I know we both really appreciated it 💖 It was almost like talking to a friend? 💖

We pretty much immediately decided we were going back to see her again on Sunday but when we did we saw she wasn't feeling well, which had us both immediately anxious for her and not expecting to see her on the con floor again... Well we were wrong? Honestly I'm so glad that she felt well enough to come back out, but it must have been hell dealing with a migraine there given that it's such a sensory overload! We've both got different kinds of health anxiety, so were worried- personally I get really upset and anxious when other people are in pain, so I was super worried. I can deal with all of my own pain, I've had it so long now I don't remember differently, and I would much rather take on other people's pain than know they're suffering. 
Despite everything, again she was one of the most lovely people to meet and Lexie and I are truly enchanted/in love 💖 Have so much respect and admiration for her after what she did; literally no one would have blamed her if she stopped signing, but no.. Fucking warrior queen right there 💖 Just hoping that she's feeling better now/isn't in as much pain... Migraines are no joke.

In conclusion... We miss them all so much already my heart hurts 💔 But so so grateful to have gotten to meet them and be around such beautiful and inspiring people 💖

[wafflesandsyrup]

About Me~

“tagged” by @vontacompton.

My Last:

1: Drink: Water, but maybe wine by the time this post is through. 2: Phone Call: @catneepx, an angel. 3: Text Message: Mom! 4: Song You Listened To: “Doesn’t Remind Me” by Audioslave 5: Time You Cried: Like five minutes ago. Not even an exaggeration, I cry over everything, and it’s triggered by every emotion. This time it was because I watched The Iron Giant for the millionth time.

Have You Ever:

9: Lost Someone Special: Yeah boi 10: Been Depressed: Yeahhhhhh boiiiiii 11: Gotten Drunk And Thrown Up: Once! I can’t even think of drinking a gin and tonic anymore. But I took it like a champ. It was super funny then and now, lmao. 12: Three Favorite Colors: Red, Blue, and Gray/Black tbh

In The Last Year Have You:

13: Made New Friends: Yes! More before I moved, but I have made a handful of friends recently. 14: Fallen Out Of Love: Nope! 15: Laughed Until You Cried: Absolutely. 16: Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: lol yeah 17: Met Someone Who Changed You: I don’t think so! I’m usually who changes myself. I don’t think I have ever changed because of someone else. 18: Found Out Who Your Friends Are: For sure. I don’t tolerate disrespect or pettiness lmao 19: Kissed Someone On Your Facebook list: My husband, so yes! 20: How Many Of Your Facebook Friends Do You Know In Real Life: All of them, even if I knew them briefly. 21: Do You Have Any Pets: I have a dog! Back in MO, I have another dog and a cat, who I miss a shit ton. 22: Do You Want To Change Your Name: No, though it was hard to let go of my last name when I got married. I’ll always hyphenate it on unofficial documents lmfao. My new one is pretty unusual, though. 23: What Did You Do For Your Last Birthday: I made a booze cake and drank at home, since Brendan won’t be 21 until October and I had no other friends in WA lol. 24: What Time Did You wake Up: 9:30 25: What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night: Playing Skyrim 26: Name Something You Can’t wait For: I can’t wait to visit home in July, for the short term, and I can’t wait to achieve my goal of being a forensic nurse. 27: When Was The Last Time You saw Your Mom: November. I miss her so much. I am her number one fan. I’ll talk about my mom to everyone, she’s so smart, funny and pretty! 28: What Are You Listening To Right Now: Chopin’s “Ballade No.1 in G minor, Op.23″-- I’m planning on learning this on the piano soon, and I grew especially attached to it after watching Your Lie in April tbh.  29: Have You Ever Talked To A Person Named Tom: Actually, no. 

General:

30: Something That Is Getting On Your Nerves: Boredom tbh, but that’s nothing new. My inability to relax, too! I just want restful sleep god dammit. 31: Most Visited Website: YouTube probs 32: Hair Color: Dirty blonde?? Light brown maybe?? some copper is in there too?????????? Idk anymore. 33: Long Or Short Hair: Short right now, though I want to have medium-length hair for a while before having long hair again.  34: Do You Have A Crush On Someone: I’m married, so I obviously do lmfao. 35: What Do You Like About Yourself: I like my personality-- I like making people laugh and how I look on the bright side of life (since I used to be a real big whiny pussybitch). 36: Piercings: Ears 37: Blood Type: Ok i’m gonna be fr I have no idea what my blood type is so if i need blood immediately i’m fucked 38: Nickname: Syrup! 39: Relationship Status: Married to my fav human. 40: Zodiac Sign: Capricorn 41: Pronouns: She/her 42: Favorite TV Show: the X-Files, though I also like Parks and Rec. 44: Right Or Left Handed: Right 45: Surgery: I got my tonsils removed as a kid (super shit) and my wisdom teeth removed (also suuuuuper shit). Once I am done losing weight, I’m going to have a breast reduction because this shit is out of control. 46: Sport: Softball/baseball 47: Vacation: I would like to visit Europe (particularly Ireland, England, Germany, and Italy) and Japan, China, and Korea. In the US I would like to visit each state at some point. 48: Pair of trainers/Sneakers or Tennis Shoes: I call them tennis shoes, and I have a nice black pair of running shoes which are super comfy.

More General:

49: Eating: an apple lol 50: Drinking: wine 51: I’m About To: fold laundry and play more Skyrim, probably, maybe, hopefully. 52: Waiting For: Death to Take Its Inevitable Toll on my Flesh Prison 53: Want: hugs, friends, to be able to eat like a fat piece of shit w/o being a fat piece of shit lmfao help 54: Get Married: check 55: Career: I want to be a forensic nurse. I love working with the human body, always have, and I have always been fascinated with the forensic industry. I’ve wanted to do something that makes me happy and does something to get justice for people who have been hurt, and the moment I decided upon this career path I felt like everything finally made sense. A huge weight left my shoulders, that’s for sure.

Which Is Better:

56: Hugs Or Kisses: Hugs! I love hugging. I hug everyone bc I have a lot of platonic love to give every single person. 57: Lips Or Eyes: yo’ peepers! 58: Shorter Or Taller: I’d say similar height or taller because I am incredibly short, but personality is what seals the deal for me in the end. 59: Older Or Younger: about the same age, give or take a year (since my husband is about a year younger than me), or older. I wouldn’t be able to stand someone all that much younger than me if we’re being honest here lmfao 60: Nice Arms Or Nice Stomach: Stomach?????? 61: Hook Up Or Relationship: Relationship, for the other person’s sake. I’m too much of a goof for hooking up and I’d make someone feel insecure for cracking a joke in the middle of some sort of sexual encounter. It is literally impossible for me to take sex seriously. Also, I just prefer the companionship part of relationships over the physical. 62: Troublemaker Or Hesitant: Troublemaker, but not like... a felon or anything. Just goofy, without shame, and kind of annoying. Like me. But being reasonable when appropriate is important, too.

Have You Ever:

63: Kissed A Stranger: Yeahhhhhhh, immediate regret (cigarette mouth!). 64: Drank Hard Liquor: ya 65: Lost Glasses/Contact Lenses: every gd day dawg. and it’s partially because in order to find my glasses I need my glasses to see them. 66: Turned Someone Down: hoooooooo boy, yes, yes, yes. 68: Broken Someones Heart: HOOOOOOOOO boy, yes. I was always caught off guard by it, because I never see someone as potential relationship material, but always as bff material, until they make it explicitly clear. It just wouldn’t feel right to assume they may have a thing for me. So, most of my friends in life have been guys, and I have had to deal with a lot of uncomfortable confessions and rejection from said pals. I hate hurting people, and they’re often very hurt by my rejection, and I end up losing friends over it. I don’t even like thinking about it lol. 69: Had Your Heart Broken: Yup! Abusively and tragically. Some Carrie shit, haha. It doesn’t impact me now, except for making me angry. 70: Been Arrested: I’m a straight edge dude. 71: Cried When Someone Died: Duh 72: Fallen For A Friend: I can’t fall for someone unless we are friends, so yes! Brendan was my BFF for a while until he told my oblivious ass he wanted to date me.

Do You Believe In:

73: Yourself: Yes! The only person you can always depend upon, no matter what, is yourself. 74: Miracles: hmmmm, maybe. I’ll say yes, but my skeptical mind will always question. 75: Love At First Sight: Attraction at first sight, maybe. I believe in friendship at first sight, if we’re being honest. I see someone and just get this feeling that we could be awesome friends. Love is something much more deep rooted for me. 76: Santa Claus: I believe in My Dad 78: Angels: I’m not sure. I’m open to the possibility, due to the limitations set by existing as a human, but I’m not Christian or anything. I feel like there’s “something” out there, but I’m just a dumb human and will likely never be able to know for sure. I think human beings can be deemed angels.

Other:

79: Current Best Friend’s Name: Casi/Stephanie (I love them both so much my dudes). 80: Eye Color: Green/Hazel (more green than hazel tho-- it’s really cool because i have a fleck of gold in one of my irises, and my grandma has the same fleck of gold) 81: Favorite Movie: I couldn’t narrow it down to one. I love the LOTR movies, The Sixth Sense, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Spirited Away, Saving Private Ryan...... the list goes on forever. My family has always been a big movie family.

im not tagging anyone lol

[adkinemi06]

Blog Post #27-Be Gentle with Your Words

Current Mood: Happy

Currently listening to: Nothing Else by Cody Carnes

Current verse of choice: “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue cruses the spirit.” Proverbs 15:4

Apparently, I took the summer off from my blog-considering it has been almost 4 months since I have put my little fingers to work.  In my defense, I haven’t stopped moving long enough to type since around May.  Since then, I have played in a sand volleyball league with Anna Banana, worked a lot of overtime to fund my vacations, attended two weddings, shadowed CRNAs to see if that’s what I wanted to do when I grow up, gone to Michigan for vacation with Collin’s wonderful family, spent a quality weekend with Baby Makay, volunteered multiple times with MedWish, gone to a couple Indians games, worked for the Navy, traveled to 3 European countries (that took up a good chunk of time), went to Chicago with some friends, explored Cleveland with Collin’s parents, ran an annual 5k with my dad and Kendra (and Cassie this year), attended Collin’s Hole-Through Party for work (which is a pretty big deal for his company), AND watched a lot of football.  I think I hit pretty much everything….so yeah-been a little busy.  

In terms of my Europe trip, it was a wonderful blessing.  We were hot, sweaty, exhausted, and (most importantly) so happy to have the opportunity to travel together and experience God’s wonderful world.  I don’t think I will ever get rid of this travel bug that I caught when I started making money a couple years ago! I took a lot of pictures, and I pray that none of us ever take that trip for granted or forget the memories we made (good and bad). There are always parts of traveling that are stressful, especially when you’re on a budget, but that is also part of the fun!

In the nursing world, things are going about the same. Staffing ratios are getting worse and worse, and nurses are being extremely overworked.  The reason I am so passionate about this issue is because I LOVE being a bedside nurse, and I am really good at it.  I love taking care of (most) people; I love meeting people’s families; I love being a person’s strength when they can’t even stand up out of bed; I love getting families through the worst moments of their lives. Bedside nursing is such a beautiful and powerful profession; however, when we are forced to work in unsafe conditions, we are not going to perform at a high level…bottom line. Patients suffer because we can’t provide high quality care.  Nurses make medical errors (myself included) because we don’t even have time to breathe, let alone think about what we are actually doing.  We are forced to just act, act, act-not THINK, then act. We don’t eat or drink water for hours at a time, so how are we supposed to have the energy to take good care of anyone? All of these factors take a toll on the nurse mentally, physically, and emotionally.  After I made my only medication error as a nurse, I was a mess.  I had three ICU patients assigned to me, and one of them was a fresh post-op case (which is a lot on its own).  When I realized what happened, I doubted myself so much, and I could not believe that it could happen to me (side note: the patient was not harmed by this error, praise God).  I ended up writing an incident report on myself and contacted my manager; I really wanted to talk to someone about all the factors that played a part in me making that error and how bothered I was by it.  The response I got was a two-line email reply basically telling me to just be more careful next time…I got not support.

In the past two months, I was feeling extremely misunderstood and lost…as a nurse, as a daughter, as a friend, as a girlfriend, and as a follower of Christ. At times, I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone because no one understood me.  In every conversation, I was wrong or my feelings were just not taken seriously; I was “over-reacting” or “taking it the wrong way” or “making way too big a deal of things” or “overthinking things”.  I also felt that I didn’t actually have any real friends to talk to…I felt so far from God, and it made me question myself-am I actually the problem in all of this?  Am I actually just a crazy, psychotic person?  Am I a different person than I have been? This made me miss my mom so much more than I already do because she always validated my feelings and understood me (even if I was being crazy).  The important thing that she did was talk me through my own feelings instead of just de-valuing my feelings by saying I was “over-reacting”.  That’s when it hit me: I felt like I was going crazy in my current life because no one was actually taking my feelings seriously or listening to me. Obviously, there are times that people (myself included) are simply being dramatic, but that is not what people need to hear.  I am not typically a dramatic person.  That being said, when I feel something, I need it to be taken seriously so that I can resolve it within myself.  Even the strongest people can’t be okay all the time…I think that is an important thing to remember.  If you can tell someone in your life is off, just take the time to listen and validate their feelings.  Once their feelings are validated, they will be able to come to a solution on their own.  Also, take a look at yourself in the mirror-maybe they aren’t over-reacting and there is actually something about yourself that is toxic.  Are you willing to better yourself?  Calm, open communication is so important in ALL relationships…even with strangers.  Always be seeking the best version of yourself with your actions and ESPECIALLY your words.  The bible even tells us to be gentle with our words in multiple verses.

Random thoughts: It is chilly out today…I am going to Texas next week (to avoid the cold)…one of my best friends is moving in less than a year, and I am sad…My 5k time is extremely atrocious at this time in my life...I miss playing volleyball…I wish I could sing for a living...#BrownsWinTheSuperBowl2020?

Be Gentle with Your Words,

Em

[rueur]

Morning Pages (07.01.2017)

Saturday 7th Jan - 6:22 a.m.

I have to tell you that the first thing I did upon waking up was not to open up my laptop and start on these next three pages, but to go outside into the completely yellow living room and watch the sun rising from the balcony. The sky is bright blue near the centre of the sky with a pink tinged skirt running across the horizon. Between this skirt and the sky is the sun, and right now it is large and ethereal: glowing orange and otherworldly. It’s a beautiful morning and I’m thankful for it.

I slept well last night for the most part, but I didn’t sleep for long. I think I fell asleep around 1 a.m. and I woke up naturally at maybe a quarter past six. The cats were here with me. Usually I close my bedroom door and leave them to sleep in the living room, but my room is the only one with a fan of any kind and it was too hot last night to cast them out. Bruno slept with me on the bed, and Romulus parked himself on the cool windowsill, watching the dead streets below. Before I fell asleep, I felt profoundly alone. I called my sister, and then had my parents call me from Sri Lanka. They’re in Anuradhapura right now, on pilgrimage. I miss them a lot, but I’m still eager to make the most of my time away from them here in Northcote. I haven’t really made the most of it yet though, but I’m going to very very soon.

Ikaros and I broke up last night. I called him because I had to talk to him about something he’d done the night before that had upset me, and the call just naturally turned to the fact that we were not working. We were not happy together, and we haven’t really had a lasting sense of happiness for a while. The sex was good, very good even up until the end. I think it may have even gotten better because we needed it to. But he literally told me on the phone that he didn’t even know if he had any desire to be in a relationship with me. And I finally told him that he mostly makes me feel bad about myself. So we decided it was for the best. Honestly, I’ve been feeling without him for a while now, I mean things haven’t been the way they were for a while now. I just hope that he does what he can for himself during the rest of this year. I love him so much. I paused here, a very long pause, just rereading what I’d written about him. I don’t know if I should write anymore, lest I sound vindictive. I’ve been through a lot of emotional turmoil over this past year. A lot of growth too, but there’s no denying that this relationship has taken its toll on me. I entered it very idealistically, and am leaving it optimistically, for the most part. But right now, let’s just say that I love him. And I wish him the best.

I messaged Toni last night, just wanted to talk to her. Malith is coming back in a week or so? I think in under a week now, which I’m looking forward to because he is quite honestly my greatest friend and I’ve missed him. We were going to go dancing before he left, and I am most definitely going to go dancing with him when he returns. I just want to go out! I’m single! I’ve been holding myself back from meeting people and doing things for a while now, and here I am in the inner suburbs of Melbourne, where I’ve always wanted to be. So much is happening around me! Craft stores, op shops, bars that host live music venues every night, Lentil As Anything, enormous multi-purpose park spaces, alleyways, TRAMS that I won’t have to ride for upwards of two hours just to get anywhere worth being because I’m already somewhere worth being. I should be seizing this!

Oh, but today we’re in for a bit of a scorcher. I think it’s a top of thirty-five degrees, so maybe not worth going outside at all today. Maybe to the beach, I think I’d like to take a trip to the beach. But honestly, the last time I went to the beach was with Isaac and he left two or three hours before I finally left. He disappeared off to a ‘meeting that wasn’t compulsory but he felt he needed to attend’. I was then at the beach on my own, which was okay for the most part, but something I’m not very equipped for generally. I like being on my own in private, but going somewhere out in the big, wide world without a friend to lean on has just always been difficult for me. But 2017, I have vowed, will be the year that I stop giving in to my anxiety at least 60% of the time, which I think is a fair ambition for me. In 2018, I’ll aim for 80%.

I think I would like to go out however. I don’t know if I can stay alone in this apartment. It’s too lonely right now. When you’re in a relationship, you can somehow feel a lot easier being all alone because you know that there’s someone out there who loves you and will be with you again and break your being all alone at some stage. But right after a break-up, that knowledge is extricated and you just remember all the times you were alone without that presence of love. I’m alone right now. My parents and my best friend are across the largest ocean in the world, and my brother and sister are four dollars and forty minutes away (train fares have gone up once more in the new year, from $1.95 concession, to $2.05 I think...and I am somewhat broke and unemployed).

I’m not going to wallow in this very very shallow pool of misery though. I’ve already committed myself to indulging my creative side this year and finally getting to know who I am as an artist, so this is perhaps the perfect time for doing some creative work. I’m in an organic state of pain (heartache) and I’m feeling slightly dejected and unlovable. This is the perfect state to write, right? And if not, then I’ll just go to the beach.

All in all, yesterday was a good day despite its ending. The phone call we had was very necessary, though. He was refusing to talk about things, and I didn’t know how to raise the issues that I wanted to raise and we both just kept things inside our heads and when the communication goes, you know you’re at a turning point when you need to realise what the relationship really means to you. I was apathetic. I’m thankful that he was too, in some ways. We were just postponing this. We’ve been postponing it for maybe a year now, to be quite honest with you. This was my longest relationship. Just under two years, maybe a year and a half. July-ish 2015-January 2017.

I know I deserve something better, I do. I’m so full of love and I’ve always wanted somebody to give that to. Someone as passionate as me, who needs the kind of love that I need. But before that happens, I can love myself with that same energy. I think that’s the best thing to do.

One thing I’ve learnt from Isaac’s incessant work ethic is that, it’s sometimes good to stay busy. It’s good to have a period of life where you’re just transient and on your toes all the time (like Toni is going through right now too), where you’re testing yourself and accomplishing great things. It’s nice to have that, but only if it’s a period of time and you don’t intend on that being your entire life: an entire life of chaos and living through one’s work. The day he left for Sydney, I met up with Isaac for about an hour beforehand. He was in a coffee shop, Tomboy, with his enormous suitcase and a worn, brown backpack. On the table in front of him were three bound lots of sheet music for The Mikado, which was going to be his allotted workload during his ‘vacation’. We hugged, sat down, and I watched him order a gluten-free smashed avo, I think. Then he just started venting to me, telling me he’s been really busy (too busy) and that he’s been feeling the downsides to being very transient lately, those being that there are people in his life he just doesn’t see for months at a time because of the nature of his work, and how he can never be in a relationship for this reason. He’s six years older than I am, and to me Isaac represents everything that I can be if I put in the time now. To be quite frank though, he’d accomplished a lot more at twenty than I’m yet to accomplish. And I’ve only got under two months left of being nineteen. And I know that I want my writing to take me around the world; I want to travel for my profession. I want to feel free. Arguably, Isaac is free. He’s living his life the way he aimed for when he was my age. When he’s ready, he told me, he’ll move to New York and set up shop there. Regardless of whether or not that happens, I know that there won’t be anything for him for too long in Melbourne. I have a feeling he’ll just continue to be transient, perhaps not so much literally as figuratively.

I don’t know where my writing will take me, but I’m hopeful. I feel like now is the time I should be looking for some avenue to take once I get my degree at the end of this year, but I’m also enjoying not being busy at all right now. On the phone last night, my sister said that I should be using this time to my advantage, as I’ve been saying to myself as well. She said I’m young and SINGLE and yet to experience so much, that I should just let myself be open to the opportunities that this city will bless me with. I am in love with Melbourne, and my life is at the heart of this city. I want to write for it, and of it. I want to establish myself here and I want my words and my concerns to be shared with and prompted by this city. I feel like I’m not even writing about anything anymore. I know the morning pages are about being honest with yourself so that you can be honest on your working page, and that it’ll be some time before I actually experience this honesty-evoking effect. Perhaps I might not feel the experience at all, perhaps it might just happen one day without my noticing and I’ll just write and write in a way that I’ve never written before and just think I’ve always written with such honesty. Or more likely, perhaps not. My inner censor is too sharp, and I have always been too self-conscious.

[walduissymavelleyq94insuran-blog]

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SOURCES:

please tell me if im forgeting anything or if i am expecting to pay too much or too little for something CAR down payment - 5,000 insurance-300 gas-300 monthly payment-500 maintenance-100 HOUSING security deposit- 2400 rent-800 electric-150 furniture-2000 OTHER THINGS food- 300 linens-150 kitchen appliences-350 cleaning supplies-30 shampoo, soap, toothpaste (things like that)-70 tv-300 computer-600 cable- 100 phone- 75 cell phone- 160 internet- 100

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[seankelleycoaching]

Managers: Are You a Wonder Leader?

Take the "Wonder Leader" test!

When it comes to direct reports, many managers are constantly trying to figure things out. They question employee performance asking, “Why won’t my employees do what I tell them?” or “Why won’t they do what it takes to be successful?” Managers may also wonder, “Are my employees happy? What is going on in their heads right now?”

This purpose of this article is to help you identify if you are a Wonder Leader. A Wonder Leader is a manager who spends more time wondering about, than learning employees, mindsets, challenges, and opportunities that could help you better understand and improve your team.

Take the Wonder Leader Test below. Answer “True” to any of these questions if you catch yourself saying or thinking the statements that follow:

I am often frustrated my employees don’t do what I ask. “I wonder why they won’t…”

I don’t understand why we can’t achieve our goals: “I think my employees should work harder…”

I claim my employees are lazy, stupid, or insubordinate: “I think they are just…”

Employees quit and I don’t know the reason: “I wonder why they left…”

Employees quit and I assume I know the reason: “I think they quit because…”

I feel like my employees talk about me behind my back: “I wonder what they say after meetings when they huddle at the water cooler…”

Answer “Yes” to at least 3 of the questions above, and you could be a Wonder Leader.

Being a Wonder Leader is very frustrating and even dangerous to your career. Never really knowing what is going on can take its toll on you as a manager. In fact, some managers even quit, step down, or get fired due to the problems that arise from being a Wonder Leader.

This happens for three reasons:

1.       You Make Costly Assumptions.  

You should not act on an assumption. If you do the results could be devastating. You may be deciding that the worst-case scenario is happening. HINT: It’s probably not the case. You can’t treat the disease without knowing the illness. Making the wrong decision due to a false reality probably isn’t a good career move.

2.       You Damage Your Brand.

Making a data-driven decision is critical in many areas and management is not exempt in this instance.  Telling people what they’re thinking or presenting assumptions as facts lessens your credibility as a leader.  When you don’t have the answers because you are wondering, you can appear incompetent or naive.

3.       You Can’t Improve.

Growth occurs when you bring knowledge to the table.  The Johari Window model states that bringing information into the arena makes something common knowledge for all involved parties to understand, and this is the point in which growth occurs.  . When you withhold “facades,”pretending you know the answer, assuming you know, or not knowing and being ok with that, you never get the opportunity to improve, nor do other parties involved.

Now that we’ve helped you understand how to determine if you, or a colleague, is a Wonder Leader, and the dangers involved, I will let you in on the good news:There is a cure!

Stop Wondering and Assuming and START ASKING!

When coaching a Wonder Leader, I openly ask, “Why won’t you ask?” There are usually three reasons this doesn’t happen:

1.       They fear a negative response.

2.       They don’t believe it will make a difference.

3.       They don’t know how to ask.

Here are a few tips for overcoming these three, growth hindering obstacles. First, let’s address number one.  If you approach someone in the right way, recruit them to the cause by ensuring they know the benefit that can come out of a coaching conversation, they probably won’t respond negatively. Ensure they know the goal of the conversation up front, prior to laying the questions on them. You could recruit them by saying something like, “I want to ensure you are growing in your career, and as my direct report I feel it’s my responsibility to find ways to help you improve… Is now a good time to have a conversation about (insert what you are wondering about here)?”

Some people are too busy to slow down and try to explain something to someone, meaning you don’t believe you have the time to help. Other leaders  may think that even if I tell them, they won’t change. Here’s the bottom line, and I quote Wayne Gretsky, “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”

You owe it to your direct reports to discover the problem through questioning. You took the job as their leader: No one put a gun to your head. You also owe it to your employees to help solve the problem after you understand the situation. Seek to understand, and help your direct reports create an action plans that will solve the issues. You won’t have to wonder anymore and things will improve. If they don’t improve, at a minimum, you’re now able to decide next steps with a clean conscious

Finally, to address the last reason, and in my opinion the easiest to address. Ask your employees how you should ask! When you address them from a place of care, with their improvement in mind and recruit them from that place, you can get them to tell you everything.  You don’t even need to think of the question!

For Example: If you’re thinking,  “I wonder why they left?” You could call your former employee and ask, “I want to improve the workplace and prevent losing more good employees like yourself. How could I ask you what happened in a way that you would be willing to help me understand what happened?”

When you stop wondering, stop assuming, and take the time to ask why in an open and respectful way, you can get to the bottom of almost any challenge. Only after deeper questioning can you really understand their mindset and help them overcome it.

This blog is an excerpt from Sean Kelley's upcoming book on sales management.

About Sean Kelley

Sean works with managers to achieve great results through their people. Sean has extensive diversity in leadership ranging from Special Ops combat veteran, company owner, general sales manager of top auto dealers, and a software company executive. Sean will help your managers find purpose, create a growth mindset, create more self-accountability and effectively develop your teams through his unique, customized approach to coaching. If you are interested in exceeding your goals and building an inspirational leadership team, email Sean directly: Sean@KelleyCoaching.com or visit www.KelleyCoaching.com.