#or do you think they wrote a bunch of their own stuff being ignorant of/instructed to ignore the eu

[seveneyesoup]

hang on i just remembered someone bought me a book of time lord fairytales years and years ago and i never read it because i do not care. is anyone interested in the contents of the book and/or does anyone want to place bets about the contents

[the-angriestpineapple]

brewed & beards - ch 6

Kirishima tries to help Uraraka train when she asks, and he gets over his jealousy enough to actually become her friend.

Chapter Six - Genuine Kindness

One of Kiri’s favorite classes this semester is his nutrition class. He hadn’t been wrong when he told Uraraka the other night at pizza that nutrition was really important to him, and learning the science behind what made good food choices was fascinating. He even really liked his teacher, Professor Taishiro. The man seemed to always be eating something in class, jovially telling his students on the first day that as long as they cleaned up after themselves, he didn’t mind if they did the same.

Professor Taishiro was talking about macros and how they transfer into energy, and Kiri was totally listening, absolutely. He was only vaguely thinking about his resolution that he is unable to hate Uraraka. His mind wasn’t swarming with the petty part of him that still wants to hate her, but at the same time Bakugou has been nothing but rude to him and honestly he even seems pretty indifferent to his own girlfriend, would he really want that kind of partner even if he IS jaw-droppingly beautiful? It’s a stupid thought either way. Uraraka is a small, soft girl and I’m a big, muscular boy –

“Kirishima?”

Kiri starts and stares into the concerned face of his professor. A quick glance around the room tells him that he’s been sitting here mumbling to himself for long enough for class to have ended. Kiri swipes a hand down his face, wincing apologetically at the teacher. He’d woken up late today, very unlike himself, and barely had time to throw clothes on and make it to class on time. His red spikes take three minutes to set, not even counting the time it took him to sculpt them, so his hair was uncharacteristically limp around his shoulders.

Taishiro frowned at the boy. “Have you been feeling well, Kirishima? I’ve noticed that you were very distracted today. We do have a school nurse on campus if something is the matter.” Kiri’s cheeks flushed and he shook his head a littler harder than necessary.

“Ah, no, I apologize Professor. I’ve been distracted with some, uh, relationship troubles.”

Taishiro’s frowned deepened and he perched on the desk directly to Kiri’s left. “Relationship troubles. I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, you’re an adult now. But I would like for you to keep in mind that you are here at school to learn, and to build a foundation for a career. A very promising career, if my impression of you is correct.” He smiles kindly, and Kiri feels ashamed at how much he’s been letting this situation get to him. He makes a mental note to apologize to his other professors and to Mirio as well.

“I am so deeply sorry, Professor Taishiro.” Kiri immediately stands and deeply bows. “I promise to focus on school work from now on. You’re right, I shouldn’t be letting other people affect my future like this.”

His teacher chuckles and gently pushes him to stand upright. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad, Kirishima, I just want to make sure you know what is important. Now head on out, and have a good rest of your day.”

“Thank you, sir.” Kiri gathered up his books and gives another short, quick bow before heading off to an anatomy class. He really needed to get himself together.

---

He spends his lunch that day in the dorm room, eating some leftover rice with canned tuna. It’s a simple meal but a very comforting one for him, and he doesn’t mind the quietness of being in the dorm without Hanta and Denki. He loves them dearly, he truly does, but sometimes a guy just needs some peace and quiet.

He blinks as his phone goes off and he looks over to it. A text from an unknown number? He balances his bowl and chopsticks in one hand as he reaches to his phone to swipe the message open.

???: Hey Kirishima! It’s Uraraka, I meant to get your number when we were all out the other night but I forgot. Mina gave it to me, I hope you don’t mind! ;^^

Kiri didn’t mind in the least, really, he was totally okay with his friends being able to reach him if they needed to. And he considered Uraraka his friend now. He quickly typed back that it was absolutely fine with a smiley face.

Uraraka: Great! So I wanted to ask if you have time to help spot me at the gym tonight – Bakugou’s working and I’d really like to get some training in. If you aren’t busy?

Kiri smiled softly. He really had to admire her drive, it was inspiring. He said that he’d be at work tonight so he’d be able to help her train, no problem. She sent back a bunch of hearts and fist emojis, and it actually made Kirishima laugh. He was actually headed there once he finished lunch, so he let her know that and quickly shoveled the rest of his rice and tuna into his mouth. He brought the bowl to the bathroom to rinse it quickly – he didn’t want the room smelling like tuna – and then packed up his gym stuff to head out. A text from Uraraka said that she also had no classes this afternoon so she could meet him there.

The gym Kirishima worked at was only a few blocks over from campus. He actually had to pass the coffee shop to get there, and he couldn’t help peering in as he quickly walked by. He didn’t see Bakugou but he did see Mina and Jirou laughing about something behind the counter. He smiled. It always made his heart warm to see his friends happy.

He arrived at the gym and waved to the employee behind the counter (it wasn’t Ojiro today) and headed to the locker rooms. He dropped his stuff in an open locker and changed from his walking shoes to his gym sneakers, already wearing what he planned to work out in. He paused in front of the mirror as he headed out and looked at himself. He wore a tight fitted tank, loose gym shorts, and his hair was done up in his trademark spiked style. He grinned at himself, his mouth full of teeth that he’d always felt were slightly sharper than normal, and flexed. He was strong and he looked good, any bro would be lucky to have him! He gave his reflection a confident nod and strolled out into the main area of the gym.

“Oh, Kirishima! Hi!” He looked over to the weight area where Uraraka was already, waving a hand frantically and beaming. He returned her grin and jogged the rest of the way to her.

“You ready to get pumped, Uraraka?” He struck a pose, his fists clenched.

“Yeah!” She punched the air, reminding him a little of Mina. She giggled. “I brought along the plan that the trainer here gave me – that Bakugou wrote all over and changed – but I wanted to see what you think too.” He accepted the paper from her and skimmed it, eyes glancing over angry red scratch-outs accompanied by blurbs that said things like ‘waste of time, do this instead’ and other completely different instructions on there. Kiri winced.

“Well, it’s not that Bakugou’s suggestions are bad…” Uraraka’s face fell a little. “The just seem to be geared toward someone who is built more like him. Or me. Not so much like you. Actually, what the trainer suggested you start with is more on point for what you could be doing. How much can you bench press?”

Uraraka’s frown turned into a proud smile. “Fifty pounds so far! I want to be able to bench, like a hundred by the end of the school year.” She punched into the air again and Kiri grinned.

“Hell yeah, we can totally aim for that! Here’s what I think you should do. Lemme get some paper and a pen.” He went to the desk to grab them, and then he and Uraraka crowded around the sheets. He carefully re-wrote what the personal trainer initially put down for the most part, altering it slightly to include the lightest of Bakugou’s suggestions and a few suggestions of his own. No reason to completely piss the blonde off when he sees his girlfriend’s altered training plan. “Do you have a nutrition plan too? I know you said that you don’t really cook.”

Uraraka shook her head. “Um, not really. I basically either eat whatever is in the cafeteria or whatever Bakugou makes. He makes really good meals though, and rarely ever eats anything unhealthy.” Kirishima nodded, ignoring his heart flipping over Bakugou being health conscious. What a stupid thing to be attracted to.

“Well I imagine whatever Bakugou makes you is probably fine. As for the cafeteria…” He started writing down food pairings, Uraraka focused completely on what he was saying, and his professor’s words from this morning rang in his head about how he could have a very successful career of this. When he handed her the completed paper, she folded it gently like it was precious and tucked it into her bag. It gave Kiri a sharp spike of pride. “Alright! Let’s see how you handle that fifty pounds on the bench and see if we can up it a little today.”

“Sure thing! Let’s go!” Uraraka jumped excitedly and hopped over to a weight lifting bench, immediately going to start putting weights on the bar. Kiri couldn’t help but feel like he was definitely in the right career.

That feeling floated him through the rest of Uraraka’s training (they got her up to 55 pounds) and home to the dorm. He walked in to Mina regailing Denki and Hanta about how Bakugou had almost blown up their chemistry lab that day. It makes him laugh, and the sadness is less than he expected. He knows that he is strong enough for this to pass.

[love-pyramus]

hi.

you're on a rock floating in space.

pretty cool, huh?

some of it's water.

fuck it, actually most of it's water.

i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.

it's sad.

i'm sad.

i miss you.

how did this happen?

a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.

when?

never.

makes sense, right?

like i said, it didn't happen.

nothing was never anywhere.

that's why it's been everywhere.

it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.

you don't even need a when.

that's how every it gets.

forget this.

i wanna be something.

go somewhere.

do something.

i want things to change.

i want to invent time and space.

and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.

i just don't know when to start.

and that's exactly where it started.

whoah, i paused it.

i think there's a universe now.

what's it made of?

quarks & stuff

ah, that's a thing.

in a place.

don't like it?

try a new place.

at a different time™.

try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.

and emptier.

but it's not empty yet.

it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

great news!

the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron

and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too

HOT

great news!

the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.

and some of them even doubled up.

great news, the electrons have now joined in

congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.

but it's getting closer together.

and it's getting closer together.

and it's getting closer toge-

it's a star

new shit just got made!

some stars burn out and die.

bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.

space dust

which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into

even crazier space dust

so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.

like this ball of flaming rocks for example.

holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.

and it kind of made a mess.

which is

now the moon

weather update:

it's raining rocks from outer space.

weather update:

those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.

weather update:

cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update:

it's raining.

severe flooding alert:

the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert:

that's land!

there's life in the ocean

what?

something's alive in the ocean

oh cool, like a plant or an animal?

no, a microscopic speck.

it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

oh yeah, and it can do that.

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.

so that's pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

now you can eat sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

taste the sun

side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.

then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.

it's a sponge.

it's a plant.

it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it's the Cambrian explosion

"wow, that's animals and stuff"

but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?

no

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there's a blanket

now the animals can go on land.

come on, animals, let's go on land!

nope, can't walk yet.

and there's no food yet, so i don't care.

ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?

maybe, said some bugs, and fish.

ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to

have babies

learn to use an egg.

i was already doing that.

use a stronger egg.

put water in it.

have a baby, on land, in an egg.

water is in the egg.

baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me.

bye bye ocean

and now everything's huge.

including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land?

sure.

oh fuck, now everything's dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors.

keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.

here's another map of the land.

yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.

here comes a meteor.

and the dinosaurs are gone

it's mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.

and walk.

no, like, walk like that.

and grab stuff at the same time.

and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

"ouch"

and set things on fire.

"yeouch"

and make crazy sounds with their voice.

"gneurshk"

which can mean different things.

that's a human person

and now they're everywhere.

almost.

ice age

what, you can walk over here?

cool.

not anymore

well i guess we're stuck here now.

let's review.

there's people on the planet.

and they're chasing their food.

fuck it, time to plant some grass.

look at this.

i control the food now.

now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.

let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired of using rocks for everything?

use metal.

it's underground.

better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.

and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next

more food.

and more people who came to buy the food.

now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.

and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.

Society

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal?

introducing

Bronze

made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.

i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.

also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.

now we're getting somewhere.

also

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop.

it's the people with the horses.

and they made an empire.

and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks

ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.

let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.

they're gone.

guess who's not gone?

china

new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff

you could make a religion out of this.

there's the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?

thanks.

look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.

and they believe in God

just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.

here's some huge heads.

must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies.

the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.

the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire.

never mind, it's the babylonian- median-

it's the Persian Empire

"wow, that's big"

ah, the buddha was just enlightened.

who's the buddha?

this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.

you could make a religion out of this.

oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.

it's a great idea.

he was great.

and now he's dead.

hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.

will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?

ok thanks, bye

time to conquer all of india

or

most of india

but what about this part?

that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.

who are the tamil kings?

merchants, probably

and they've got spices

who would like to buy the spices?

me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.

actually, they have three main philosophies.

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.

greekification overload!

bye, said the parthians.

bye, said the jews.

hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.

thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.

you could make a religion out of this.

want silk?

now you can buy it from china.

they just made a

brand new road to the world

or you can

get there on water

sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.

i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.

remember the persian empire?

yep, said the persians, making a new one.

axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet?

let's do it together.

china is whole again

then it broke again

still can't cross the sahara desert?

try camels.

hell yeah! now we've got business

said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves

hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?

no.

actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his

main rival

don't worry about rome, it won't fall.

it's the golden age of india

there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.

first name chandra.

the first.

guess who's in rome?

barbarians

what's a barbarian?

non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.

r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.

great job, göktürks.

how's india?

broken.

how's china?

back together

how's those trading kingdoms?

bigger, and there's more of them

korea has 3 kingdoms.

japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.

so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.

and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.

you could make a religion out of this.

and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.

plus there's

new kingdoms all over europe

i wonder if there's room for moors.

here's all the wisdom.

in a house.

it's the baghdad house of wisdom.

just in time for the

islamic golden age

let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?

someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.

surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.

then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.

but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.

they go north, from the north to the northern north.

and they find some land.

two types of land.

and they name them accordingly.

they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.

there's the rus.

the kievan rus.

are they vikings?

i don't think so, said the kievan rus.

ok, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors.

of the "roman empire".

the holy roman empire.

it's actually germany but don't worry about it.

new kingdoms.

christianize all the kingdoms

which brand would you like?

mine's better.

mine's better.

mine's better.

time to conquer england, said william.

it's a bird, it's a plane

it's the seljuk turks

aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.

we need help!

they need help, so they call the pope.

hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?

maybe take back the holy land on the way?

come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.

yes, i do actually want to do that.

let's do a crusade.

crusade

they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.

but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans.

hello toltecs

goodbye toltecs.

hello mississippi

look at those mounds.

there's the pueblo.

i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.

guess who's here?

khmer.

where?

here.

and pagan is there.

vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing.

and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.

nice going, Genghis!

i bet that will last a long time.

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time?

i think it's tonga time.

i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.

look at this chad.

means "lake".

there's an empire there.

right in the middle of

Africa

the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.

wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.

please remain christian.

we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.

whoops, half of europe just died.

ming

china's back, yay!

hey khmer, time to share.

new kingdoms here and there.

oh, look who controls all the islands.

it's the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

majapahit?

oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.

it's kinda like a rebirth.

here's a printer.

let's make books.

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?

yep, said the ottoman turks.

nice job, ottoman turks.

whoops, you missed a spot.

don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.

well i guess we'll have to find another way to india

wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.

if the world is round, let's go this way to india.

nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.

so chris goes to spain.

hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?

no.

please?

no.

please?

no.

please?

ok.

so he sails into the ocean.

and discovers more ocean.

and then discovers the indies.

and japan.

let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.

the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.

i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?

the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.

move over lithuania, here comes moscow.

ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.

persia just made persia persian again.

let's make it the other kind of islam.

the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.

hey christians!

do you sin?

now you can buy your way out of hell.

that's bullshit.

this whole thing is bullshit.

that's a scam.

fuck the church.

here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.

you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?

what if the ottoman empire was really big?

which it is now.

what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.

and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.

damn, said england and france.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.

damn, said amsterdam.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

question 1: can you get to india through north america?

no, but at least there's beaver.

question 2: steal the spice trade.

that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

sugar

guess where all the sugar's made?

in brazil.

stolen

and the caribbean.

and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.

more specifically, ohio.

then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.

but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?

yes they did.

it's britain.

guess who's broke?

also britain.

so they start taxing the hell out of america.

fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.

and france helps them win, now france is broke.

and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli- no, don't.

haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.

especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.

why didn't we think of this before?

wait, who's in charge of france now?

me

said napoleon, trying to take over europe.

luckily, they banished him to an island.

but he came back

luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.

so now they can make

many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast

then they invent some trains.

and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

hey, china! said britain.

buy stuff from us!

nah dude, we already got everything, says china.

so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.

which worked, actually.

but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.

so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.

britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.

also, the

sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now

"that's just where he lives"

india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.

nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.

technology is about to go crazy

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

it's bad, they decided.

and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.

they never got ethiopia

britain and france are still hungry.

they never got thailand

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.

hawaii

cuba

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war!

what should we blame on spain?

let's blame the maine on spain.

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we're in business.

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east.

it makes cars go

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.

europe hasn't had a war since the last war.

so they start world war 1.

look at those guns.

it's gonna be a great war.

so great we won't need a second one.

after it's over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.

now everyone's paycheck is the same.

communism

in the soviet union

the arabs revolt and britain helps.

now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the

jewish people a place to live

hopefully the arabs won't mind.

let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.

except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey

and then the saudis conquer arabia.

it just seemed like the right thing to do.

hello?

yes, it's the 1920's calling.

let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.

the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.

germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.

and he's mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.

they should probably just deny it.

hitler's out of control.

so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.

but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

that's world war 2

bonus round!

pacific showdown.

united states vs. japan.

fight!

finish him

let's unite all the nations and have some

world peace

seems legit.

hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.

wow, that worked?

bonus, now there's pakistan.

actually two pakistans.

one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.

me, they both said at the same time.

let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.

sike, they both get angrier

look out china, there's a new china in china.

what's on the menu?

communism!

no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.

i wonder which one is the real china?

there's the korean war, korea versus korea.

nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.

let's meet the sponsors.

oh, it's the two global superpowers.

they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.

and they both have atom bombs.

fight!

wait, no, that would be the end of the world.

let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

i'll race you to space.

now let's make some more countries fight themselves.

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.

so here's a new map, with new countries.

now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.

they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.

south africa might need another minute to think about it.

let's check the world population.

whoa.

okay.

technology's better too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.

let's check the mail.

surprise, it's on the computer.

whoops, someone just attacked america.

i bet they'll remember that.

phone call.

surprise, it's in your pocket.

wanna learn everything?

surprise, it's on the computer.

now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.

whoops, the economy just crashed.

don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.

surprise!

flying robots.

with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends.

some people have no food.

the globe is warming

and the ocean is full of plastic

let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.

let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.

that's pretty cool.

by the way, where the hell are we?

[randomarcanatingz]

the arcana characters as youtubers

nadia

always has her hair and makeup impeccably done for her videos and when she meets fans,,,no one has ever seen her look like less than an 11/10

makes videos on fashion trends and fashion history (think a less experimental safiya nygaard), ones where she gives advice to viewers who send in questions, and unboxing/review videos for beauty items and clothes

people always comment calling her “queen” which she thinks is sort of cute and “mom” which just confuses her (“for the last time--i appreciate all the kind words but i DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN”) 

has never been demonetized once and doesn’t plan on it

whenever her videos are sponsored, she manages to sneak the sponsorship in smoothly, in a clever way

goes to vidcon but typically is too busy to stay the whole weekend 

wrote a book on self care and how to be independent and successful that became one of the best-selling youtuber books ever 

 isn’t a huge fan of collabs on her own channel, but appears occasionally on portia’s or asra’s 

does a yearly giveaway of high end jewelry and makeup for her subscribers, and holds a charity donation event for her birthday (like colleen ballinger’s childhood cancer one)   

seems to avoid scandals effortlessly, but actually works hard to stay out of drama 

asra

has absolutely no theme to his channel and just rolls with whatever video idea he can think of at the time

some examples include an instructional tarot reading video, a docuseries on the stigma against reptiles (featuring faust in every episode), a collab with nadia where they just drink tea and talk about current events, and him playing the weirdest children’s games he can find online

LOVES meeting fans and spends the whole weekend at vidcon, has like 7 meet and greets, and appears in every panel that will let him participate

his videos are low on editing and mostly just edited for length, but any special effects he does add in are not subtle at all (aka random sparkles and dramatic jump cuts) 

has been dubbed a “cinnamon roll” by his fans but he isn’t afraid to call out other creators if they say something problematic

 is very expressive and there are many reaction images and videos of him all over instagram and twitter

doesn’t usually make travel blogs but he does travel a lot, so most of his videos don’t have the same background

 all his merch is tye-dye and the best seller is a mug with a faust-shaped handle 

 follows a bunch of fan accounts for him on instagram

 tons of fans ship him with julian and while he’s not super into it, he finds the shitty instagram edits hilarious 

julian

the KING of clickbait titles but his fans don’t mind that much because it just parallels his dramatic personality 

“Staying in a Haunted Hotel???” (it’s not haunted, he just heard the people in the room beside him talking at midnight and thought it was ghosts), “I Solved the Jon-Benet Ramsey Case” (he didn’t, it’s just him discussing theories on it), “Proof the Government is Plotting Against Us” (no solid proof, just off the wall conspiracies that he explains confidently)

makes videos of him exploring supposedly haunted places, ones where he discusses unsolved crime cases and what he thinks really happened, and conspiracy theory videos

very active in the comments section; likes every nice comment he sees and replies to them with a winky face

 also very active on twitter and instagram, especially past midnight, and replies to tweets and dms from fans

sometimes collabs with asra for conspiracy videos which immediately leads to 20 fanmade compilations titled “julian annoying asra for 5 minutes straight”

is always sponsored by the weirdest, most random companies that have no relation to the kind of videos he makes at all

does 6 hour live streams where all he does is look at cursed images on reddit 

is determined to not let any of his subscriber’s discover that his birth name is ilya 

random haters have tried to cancel him multiple times but it Never Works he is literally immune to being cancelled 

portia

vlog QUEEN !!! her videos are mostly vlogs of her daily life, with a few scripted videos scattered here and there, usually involving pepi

contrary to her brother, her titles are very blunt and true to the content and are in all lowercase (“a day in my life”, “getting frustrated in my garden”, “buying my cat clothes online”)

 she tries to make her videos appeal to everyone, but 90% of her demographic is still teenage wannabe aesthetic vsco girls

 has never done a proper collab, but her vlogs always end up featuring nadia, julian, and some of the palace guards 

has a popular merch line that sells unique items like flower seeds, pet food bowls, and baking tools 

her favorite thing is seeing her fans’ reactions when she picks up one much taller and heavier than her for a picture at vidcon

fans all agree that she has bde 

sometimes makes so-called “family vlogs” where she hangs out with julian and mazelinka and calls them “the maz squad”

for april fool’s day, she posted a fake giveaway announcement video where she claimed she was giving pepi away to a fan

her twitter is mostly retweets of fanart and sweet messages from fans (and pictures of pepi, obviously)

muriel 

has the smallest subscriber count of the group but it's surprisingly high for someone who never wanted to be popular in the first place

his videos are very niche and are usually on topics like how to survive in the wilderness and how to raise chickens

many of his subscribers think his quiet personality and unique videos are all an act or persona and muriel does not understand why

he's only ever been to one (1) fan event/meet and greet and it was when he tagged along with asra to vidcon

despite his protests, asra always plugs muriel’s videos on his twitter, so they share many subscribers 

he doesn't really have any haters because those who actually watch his videos think he's super sweet and those who don't are too scared of his huge stature 

didn't want to include inanna in his videos initially, but caved after fans saw her in the background of one and demanded she make an appearance more often

fans (and asra) keep insisting he change his username to “the mountain man” but he heartily refuses 

does his own editing but also isn't great with technology so sometimes his videos are strangely edited and include parts he meant to edit out (but it's kinda endearing)

has never sold merch, never plans to, and ignores any requests to do so

lucio

listen i'm not comparing him to the paul brothers but you know …..

makes prank videos, makeup tutorials (but it's the same look just varied SLIGHTLY every time), and vlogs where he not so subtly flexes how rich he is

his merch is supposedly “the highest quality and extremely stylish” but that just means the prices are sky high and the quality is not that great 

goes to every convention he can and holds random meet ups because he craves attention 

isn't mean to his fans because he couldn't bear seeing his sub count go down, but will absolutely TEAR his haters to shreds and get their channel taken down somehow 

gets demonetized all the time and complains about it (as if he needs more money)

people are either a huge fan or they HATE him there is no in between

uses clickbait just as much as julian but people are less forgiving about it 

none of the other people in the gang really want to collab with him but julian did once, got tricked into eating a beetle, and refused to do it ever again 

king of scandals, tweets random controversial stuff and then deletes it

[sunnysynthsunshine]

The Entire History of the World I guess? (bill wurtz)

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's tooHOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth— star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which isnow the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media— it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms— CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything

[mercydix]

history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

[delicatebasementperson]

History of the entire world i guess

hi.

you're on a rock floating in space.

pretty cool, huh?

some of it's water.

fuck it, actually most of it's water.

i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.

it's sad.

i'm sad.

i miss you.

how did this happen?

a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.

when?

never.

makes sense, right?

like i said, it didn't happen.

nothing was never anywhere.

that's why it's been everywhere.

it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.

you don't even need a when.

that's how every it gets.

forget this.

i wanna be something.

go somewhere.

do something.

i want things to change.

i want to invent time and space.

and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.

i just don't know when to start.

and that's exactly where it started.

whoah, i paused it.

i think there's a universe now.

what's it made of?

quarks & stuff

ah, that's a thing.

in a place.

don't like it?

try a new place.

at a different time™.

try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.

and emptier.

but it's not empty yet.

it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

great news!

the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron

and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too

HOT

great news!

the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.

and some of them even doubled up.

great news, the electrons have now joined in

congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.

but it's getting closer together.

and it's getting closer together.

and it's getting closer toge-

it's a star

new shit just got made!

some stars burn out and die.

bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.

space dust

which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into

even crazier space dust

so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.

like this ball of flaming rocks for example.

holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.

and it kind of made a mess.

which is

now the moon

weather update:

it's raining rocks from outer space.

weather update:

those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.

weather update:

cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update:

it's raining.

severe flooding alert:

the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert:

that's land!

there's life in the ocean

what?

something's alive in the ocean

oh cool, like a plant or an animal?

no, a microscopic speck.

it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

oh yeah, and it can do that.

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.

so that's pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

now you can eat sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

taste the sun

side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.

then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.

it's a sponge.

it's a plant.

it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it's the Cambrian explosion

"wow, that's animals and stuff"

but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?

no

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there's a blanket

now the animals can go on land.

come on, animals, let's go on land!

nope, can't walk yet.

and there's no food yet, so i don't care.

ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?

maybe, said some bugs, and fish.

ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to

have babies

learn to use an egg.

i was already doing that.

use a stronger egg.

put water in it.

have a baby, on land, in an egg.

water is in the egg.

baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me.

bye bye ocean

and now everything's huge.

including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land?

sure.

oh fuck, now everything's dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors.

keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.

here's another map of the land.

yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.

here comes a meteor.

and the dinosaurs are gone

it's mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.

and walk.

no, like, walk like that.

and grab stuff at the same time.

and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

"ouch"

and set things on fire.

"yeouch"

and make crazy sounds with their voice.

"gneurshk"

which can mean different things.

that's a human person

and now they're everywhere.

almost.

ice age

what, you can walk over here?

cool.

not anymore

well i guess we're stuck here now.

let's review.

there's people on the planet.

and they're chasing their food.

fuck it, time to plant some grass.

look at this.

i control the food now.

now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.

let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired of using rocks for everything?

use metal.

it's underground.

better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.

and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next

more food.

and more people who came to buy the food.

now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.

and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.

Society

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal?

introducing

Bronze

made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.

i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.

also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.

now we're getting somewhere.

also

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop.

it's the people with the horses.

and they made an empire.

and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks

ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.

let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.

they're gone.

guess who's not gone?

china

new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff

you could make a religion out of this.

there's the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?

thanks.

look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.

and they believe in God

just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.

here's some huge heads.

must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies.

the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.

the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire.

never mind, it's the babylonian- median-

it's the Persian Empire

"wow, that's big"

ah, the buddha was just enlightened.

who's the buddha?

this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.

you could make a religion out of this.

oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.

it's a great idea.

he was great.

and now he's dead.

hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.

will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?

ok thanks, bye

time to conquer all of india

or

most of india

but what about this part?

that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.

who are the tamil kings?

merchants, probably

and they've got spices

who would like to buy the spices?

me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.

actually, they have three main philosophies.

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.

greekification overload!

bye, said the parthians.

bye, said the jews.

hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.

thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.

you could make a religion out of this.

want silk?

now you can buy it from china.

they just made a

brand new road to the world

or you can

get there on water

sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.

i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.

remember the persian empire?

yep, said the persians, making a new one.

axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet?

let's do it together.

china is whole again

then it broke again

still can't cross the sahara desert?

try camels.

hell yeah! now we've got business

said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves

hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?

no.

actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his

main rival

don't worry about rome, it won't fall.

it's the golden age of india

there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.

first name chandra.

the first.

guess who's in rome?

barbarians

what's a barbarian?

non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.

r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.

great job, göktürks.

how's india?

broken.

how's china?

back together

how's those trading kingdoms?

bigger, and there's more of them

korea has 3 kingdoms.

japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.

so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.

and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.

you could make a religion out of this.

and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.

plus there's

new kingdoms all over europe

i wonder if there's room for moors.

here's all the wisdom.

in a house.

it's the baghdad house of wisdom.

just in time for the

islamic golden age

let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?

someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.

surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.

then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.

but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.

they go north, from the north to the northern north.

and they find some land.

two types of land.

and they name them accordingly.

they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.

there's the rus.

the kievan rus.

are they vikings?

i don't think so, said the kievan rus.

ok, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors.

of the "roman empire".

the holy roman empire.

it's actually germany but don't worry about it.

new kingdoms.

christianize all the kingdoms

which brand would you like?

mine's better.

mine's better.

mine's better.

time to conquer england, said william.

it's a bird, it's a plane

it's the seljuk turks

aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.

we need help!

they need help, so they call the pope.

hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?

maybe take back the holy land on the way?

come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.

yes, i do actually want to do that.

let's do a crusade.

crusade

they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.

but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans.

hello toltecs

goodbye toltecs.

hello mississippi

look at those mounds.

there's the pueblo.

i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.

guess who's here?

khmer.

where?

here.

and pagan is there.

vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing.

and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.

nice going, Genghis!

i bet that will last a long time.

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time?

i think it's tonga time.

i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.

look at this chad.

means "lake".

there's an empire there.

right in the middle of

Africa

the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.

wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.

please remain christian.

we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.

whoops, half of europe just died.

ming

china's back, yay!

hey khmer, time to share.

new kingdoms here and there.

oh, look who controls all the islands.

it's the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

majapahit?

oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.

it's kinda like a rebirth.

here's a printer.

let's make books.

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?

yep, said the ottoman turks.

nice job, ottoman turks.

whoops, you missed a spot.

don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.

well i guess we'll have to find another way to india

wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.

if the world is round, let's go this way to india.

nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.

so chris goes to spain.

hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?

no.

please?

no.

please?

no.

please?

ok.

so he sails into the ocean.

and discovers more ocean.

and then discovers the indies.

and japan.

let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.

the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.

i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?

the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.

move over lithuania, here comes moscow.

ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.

persia just made persia persian again.

let's make it the other kind of islam.

the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.

hey christians!

do you sin?

now you can buy your way out of hell.

that's bullshit.

this whole thing is bullshit.

that's a scam.

fuck the church.

here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.

you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?

what if the ottoman empire was really big?

which it is now.

what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.

and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.

damn, said england and france.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.

damn, said amsterdam.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

question 1: can you get to india through north america?

no, but at least there's beaver.

question 2: steal the spice trade.

that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

sugar

guess where all the sugar's made?

in brazil.

stolen

and the caribbean.

and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.

more specifically, ohio.

then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.

but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?

yes they did.

it's britain.

guess who's broke?

also britain.

so they start taxing the hell out of america.

fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.

and france helps them win, now france is broke.

and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli- no, don't.

haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.

especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.

why didn't we think of this before?

wait, who's in charge of france now?

me

said napoleon, trying to take over europe.

luckily, they banished him to an island.

but he came back

luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.

so now they can make

many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast

then they invent some trains.

and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

hey, china! said britain.

buy stuff from us!

nah dude, we already got everything, says china.

so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.

which worked, actually.

but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.

so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.

britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.

also, the

sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now

"that's just where he lives"

india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.

nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.

technology is about to go crazy

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

it's bad, they decided.

and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.

they never got ethiopia

britain and france are still hungry.

they never got thailand

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.

hawaii

cuba

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war!

what should we blame on spain?

let's blame the maine on spain.

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we're in business.

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east.

it makes cars go

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.

europe hasn't had a war since the last war.

so they start world war 1.

look at those guns.

it's gonna be a great war.

so great we won't need a second one.

after it's over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.

now everyone's paycheck is the same.

communism

in the soviet union

the arabs revolt and britain helps.

now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the

jewish people a place to live

hopefully the arabs won't mind.

let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.

except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey

and then the saudis conquer arabia.

it just seemed like the right thing to do.

hello?

yes, it's the 1920's calling.

let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.

the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.

germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.

and he's mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.

they should probably just deny it.

hitler's out of control.

so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.

but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

that's world war 2

bonus round!

pacific showdown.

united states vs. japan.

fight!

finish him

let's unite all the nations and have some

world peace

seems legit.

hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.

wow, that worked?

bonus, now there's pakistan.

actually two pakistans.

one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.

me, they both said at the same time.

let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.

sike, they both get angrier

look out china, there's a new china in china.

what's on the menu?

communism!

no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.

i wonder which one is the real china?

there's the korean war, korea versus korea.

nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.

let's meet the sponsors.

oh, it's the two global superpowers.

they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.

and they both have atom bombs.

fight!

wait, no, that would be the end of the world.

let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

i'll race you to space.

now let's make some more countries fight themselves.

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.

so here's a new map, with new countries.

now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.

they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.

south africa might need another minute to think about it.

let's check the world population.

whoa.

okay.

technology's better too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.

let's check the mail.

surprise, it's on the computer.

whoops, someone just attacked america.

i bet they'll remember that.

phone call.

surprise, it's in your pocket.

wanna learn everything?

surprise, it's on the computer.

now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.

whoops, the economy just crashed.

don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.

surprise!

flying robots.

with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends.

some people have no food.

the globe is warming

and the ocean is full of plastic

let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.

let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.

that's pretty cool.

by the way, where the hell are we?

FIN

[procyonvulpecula]

“history of the entire world, i guess” script for copypastas

hi.

you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you.

~HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?~

a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when."

that's how "every" it gets.

...

...

...

forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start.

and that's exactly where it started.

*big bang*— pause

woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? ~quarks and stuff.~

ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

about no seconds later

great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's still too HOT.

ten minutes later

great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.

about 380,000 years later

great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together...

ten million years later

and it's getting closer together...

500 million years later

and it's getting closer togeth—

it's a star~!

new shit just got made!

*periodic table with heavier elements*

some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.

*periodic table with even more elements*

space dust!

which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!

so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. (planets appear) like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.

meteor hits earth

holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon

weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space.

weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky.

weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update...

it's raining.

severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert: that's land!

there'slifeintheocean

what?

something's alive in the ocean

oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

microscopic speck asexually reproduces

oh yeah, and it can do that.

reproduces three more times

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

~now you can eat sunlight!~

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.

taste the sun!

side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.

then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.

it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff"

but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?

NO

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there's a blanket! (ozone)

now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land!

"nope, can't walk yet."

"and there's no food yet, so i don't care."

100 million years later

okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?

"maybe," said some bugs. and fish.

fish gasps for air

five million years later

okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!

idea: learn to use an egg.

"i was already doing that"

use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me. ~bye bye ocean~

50 million years later

and now everything's huge. (everything's huge) including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land? sure.

Permian extinction

oh, fuck, now everything's dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors. (thrinaxodon, lystrosaurus, proterosuchus) keep your eye on this one (proterosuchus), because it's about to become

75 million years later

the dinosaurs.

here's another map of the land. oh yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.

meteor strikes

~and the dinosaurs are gone~

it's mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

"ouch"

and set things on fire.

"yeouch"

and make crazy sounds with their voice:

"gneurshk"

which can mean different things.

that's a human person!

and now they're everywhere. almost.

ice age!

what? you can walk over here? cool.

not anymore

well i guess we're stuck here now.

let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food.

fuck it. time to plant some grass.

look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. (farming)

tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground.

better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next?

more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power,

~Society~

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also,

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

society count: 4

1) mesopotamia

2) egypt

3) china

4) indus river valley civilization

5) norte chico

...

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? (indo-europeans) and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks!

ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. (mycenean greeks)

let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china

new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... (indo-europeans) or their cousins (indo-iranians) or something...

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff...

you could make a religion out of this. (Hinduism)

there's the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks.

look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.

~and they believe in God~

just one though (YHWH), and he's got like a ten-step program. (ten commandments: 1. i am god 2. no one else is god 3. don't make fun of my name 4. you can take saturday off 5. do what your parents say 6. don't murder anyone 7. don't get too sexy 8. don't rob anyone 9. don't lie about other people in court 10. don't want to do any of the things i just told you not to do)

here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—

it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big"

enlightenment

ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. (Buddhism)

oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

enlightenment

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye"

time to conquer all of india

...

most of india

but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices!

who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:

confucianism: have good morals

taoism: go with the flow

legalism: fuck you, obey the law

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

*xiongnu confederacy ransacks china*

let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. (hellenization overload) bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyy!, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

"hi, everything's great," said some guy (jesus christ) who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. (christianity)

want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.

*conquering vietnam*

or you can get there on water

"sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

*NYOOOM!* there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. (china collapses into wei, wu and shu)

remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. (sassanid empire)

axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. (malay and bantu people populate madagascar)

china is whole again...

...then it broke again

still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels.

"hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.

"hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?"

"no"

"actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here (constantinople) to be closer to his main rival. (parthian empire) don't worry about rome, it won't fall.

~it's the golden age of india~

there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.

guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone.

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.

how's india? broken.

how's china? ~back together~

how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them.

korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. ("how about sunrise land?" jingle plays)

intermission

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god (allah) whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this (islam) and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors.

here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!

"let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? (tibet)

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.

the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. (greenland and iceland, which are icy and green respectively)

*prankd*

they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings."

there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—

CHRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!

which brand would you like? (roman catholic vs. eastern orthodox)

"mine's better"

"mine's better"

"mine's better"

"time to conquer england," said william.

it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks!

"aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope.

"hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land."

"yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade."

crusade! *FAIL*

they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. oh, there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff!

guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time!

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. (tui' tonga empire, colonising the pacific ocean)

i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. (great zimbabwe)

look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of

~Africa~

the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. (SPANISH INQUISITION)

whoops, half of europe just died. (black death)

ming! china's back, yay!

hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.

oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. X

majahapit. X

mapajahit. X

mahapajit. X

mapajahit. X

ma-ja-pa-hit? *ding!* :D

oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. (renaissance)

here's a printer. let's make books!

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. (constantinople, which the ottoman turks then conquer) don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

"what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless.

~"well i guess we'll have to find another way to india"~

"wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india."

"nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal.

so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?"

"no"

"please?"

"no"

"please?"

"wtf"

"no"

"please?"

"...okay"

so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies (carribean), and japan! (cuba) let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. (spain and portugal divide the new world between them)

the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe (death) just discovered their continent.

the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.

move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. (safavid empire)

let's make it the other kind of islam. (shia) the one where we thought the first guy (abu bakr) should've been the other guy (ali ibn bin talib).

hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! (indulgences now only $40,000!)

"that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. (europe is divided into "fuck the church" and "no the church is ok")

"you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now.

"what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. (new spain) "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam.

"damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff."

question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver.

question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! (portuguese) stolen! (dutch) in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.

(Russia's to-do-list: expand, grow in size, get bigger, get larger)

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion (Seven Years War - france, austria, spain, russia, sweden vs. britain, prussia, portugal, hanover, iroquois and more!) giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain.

guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. (australia - new south wales)

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

"let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli— NO DON'T

haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" - toussaint l'ouverture

wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. (instant replay - all the latin american colonies become independent, gran colombia breaks apart into ecuador, colombia and venezuela)

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products ~real fast.~ then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

"hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities (shanghai, ningbo, fuzhou, xiamen, guangzhou) and give them an island. (hong kong)

britain and russia are playing a game (the great game) where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.

also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives."

india just had a revolution (indian revolt), and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. (british raj)

incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE

technology is about to go crazy! (fax machine, elevator, pictures, a good screw, steel maker, lights?, engine, hippo-mobile, bird machines)

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. (civil war)  it's bad, they decided, (emancipation proclamation) and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

"i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. (scramble for africa)

*whisper* (they never got ethiopia...)

britain and france are still hungry. (various colonies in south-east asia)

*whisper* (they never got thailand...)

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more:

hawaii!

cuba!

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?

u.s.s. maine sinks

"let's blame the maine on spain."

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we're in business. (united states takes cuba and philippines)

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... (united states looks curious)

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government (qing dynasty) and make a new, stronger government, (republic of china) which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy (yuan shikai) from the previous government.

europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. (britain, france, russia, italy, japan, united states vs. austria-hungary, germany, ottoman empire, bulgaria and more!) look at those guns! (fire gun, gun plane, machine gun, gun car, exploding pineapple) it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one.

the war to end all wars!! world war 2 (not necessary)

after it's over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same.

~communism~

in the soviet union...

the arabs revolt (arab revolt, t.e.lawrence) and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. (british mandate for palestine) hopefully the arabs won't mind. (wtf)

"let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.

except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!

and then the saudis conquer arabia. (saudi arabia) it just seemed like the right thing to do.

phone rings

hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. (the great depression)

germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.

hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two!

bonus round! pacific showdown

United States! vs. Japan!

FIGHT!!

(weapon select:

- boat

- plane

- extinction ball)

united states drops two extinction balls on japan

FINISH HIM!

let's unite all the nations (united nations) and have some world peace! seems legit.

"hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public."

britain leaves

"...wow, that worked?"

bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! ("israel" "palestine")

look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. (taiwan) i wonder which one is the real china...? (people's republic of china vs. republic of china on taiwan)

there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.

let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. (soviet union and united states) they're having a friendly debate over which economic system (communism or capitalism) is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool (cold war)and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

"i'll race you to space."

ussr launches sputnik and united states plants a flag on the moon

now let's make more countries fight themselves. (vietnam war)

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. (decolonisation) so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. (neo-colonialism)

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. (apartheid until 1991)

let's check the world population! (4 billion)

...woah. okay.

technology is better too, that might keep happening. (thinking box, game in a box, idea container, fire mixtape, music box, my terrible vacation)

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. (€) except britain, because they don't feel like it. (£)

let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer!

whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. (9/11 never forget)

phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket!

whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to.

surprise!... flying robots. with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and ~the ocean is full of plastic~!

"let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how.

"let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool.

...

...

...by the way. where the hell are we?

thanks for watching history

i hope i mentioned everything

[blue-ultramarine]

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth—star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything

hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a ���neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together… ten million years later and it’s getting closer together… 500 million years later and it’s getting closer togeth—star is born it’s a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update… it’s raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that’s land! there'slifeintheocean what? something’s alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there’s a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet.” “and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.” 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that” use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything’s huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. “ouch” and set things on fire. “yeouch” and make crazy sounds with their voice: “gneurshk” which can mean different things. that’s a human person! and now they’re everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we’re stuck here now. let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 … norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something… and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff… you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program. here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big” enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye” time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices! who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water “sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again… …then it broke again still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. “hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.” there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? “mine’s better” “mine’s better” “mine’s better” “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks! “aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china’s back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer. let’s make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. “well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india” “wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.” “nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?” “no” “please?” “no” “please?” “wtf” “no” “please?” “…okay” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! “that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now. “what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: “that’s just where he lives.” india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia… britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand… the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks “let’s blame the maine on spain.” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go… china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union… the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. “hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.” britain leaves “wow, that worked?” bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…? there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space.” united states plants a flag on the moon now let’s make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that. phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise!… flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! “let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything

[transandtrash]

History of the entire world, i guess. transcript

hi.

you're on a rock floating in space.

pretty cool, huh?

some of it's water.

fuck it, actually most of it's water.

i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.

it's sad.

i'm sad.

i miss you.

how did this happen?

a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.

when?

never.

makes sense, right?

like i said, it didn't happen.

nothing was never anywhere.

that's why it's been everywhere.

it's been so everywhere you don't need a where.

you don't even need a when.

that's how every it gets.

forget this.

i wanna be something.

go somewhere.

do something.

i want things to change.

i want to invent time and space.

and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.

i just don't know when to start.

and that's exactly where it started.

whoah, i paused it.

i think there's a universe now.

what's it made of?

quarks & stuff

ah, that's a thing.

in a place.

don't like it?

try a new place.

at a different time™.

try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.

and emptier.

but it's not empty yet.

it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.

great news!

the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron

and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too

HOT

great news!

the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.

and some of them even doubled up.

great news, the electrons have now joined in

congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.

but it's getting closer together.

and it's getting closer together.

and it's getting closer toge-

it's a star

new shit just got made!

some stars burn out and die.

bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit.

space dust

which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into

even crazier space dust

so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.

like this ball of flaming rocks for example.

holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.

and it kind of made a mess.

which is

now the moon

weather update:

it's raining rocks from outer space.

weather update:

those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky.

weather update:

cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.

weather update:

it's raining.

severe flooding alert:

the entire world is now an ocean.

volcano alert:

that's land!

there'slifeintheocean

what?

something's alive in the ocean

oh cool, like a plant or an animal?

no, a microscopic speck.

it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

oh yeah, and it can do that.

it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.

so that's pretty nifty, i would say.

tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

now you can eat sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

taste the sun

side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue.

then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.

it's a sponge.

it's a plant.

it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.

it's the Cambrian explosion

"wow, that's animals and stuff"

but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?

no

why?

the sun is a deadly lazer

oh okay.

not anymore, there's a blanket

now the animals can go on land.

come on, animals, let's go on land!

nope, can't walk yet.

and there's no food yet, so i don't care.

ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?

maybe, said some bugs, and fish.

ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to

have babies

learn to use an egg.

i was already doing that.

use a stronger egg.

put water in it.

have a baby, on land, in an egg.

water is in the egg.

baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

works for me.

bye bye ocean

and now everything's huge.

including bugs.

wanna see a map of the land?

sure.

oh fuck, now everything's dead.

just kidding, here are the survivors.

keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs.

here's another map of the land.

yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time.

here comes a meteor.

and the dinosaurs are gone

it's mammal time, here come the mammals.

look at those breasts.

now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.

and walk.

no, like, walk like that.

and grab stuff at the same time.

and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

"ouch"

and set things on fire.

"yeouch"

and make crazy sounds with their voice.

"gneurshk"

which can mean different things.

that's a human person

and now they're everywhere.

almost.

ice age

what, you can walk over here?

cool.

not anymore

well i guess we're stuck here now.

let's review.

there's people on the planet.

and they're chasing their food.

fuck it, time to plant some grass.

look at this.

i control the food now.

now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.

let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.

this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired of using rocks for everything?

use metal.

it's underground.

better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.

and the animals are helping.

guess what happens next

more food.

and more people who came to buy the food.

now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.

and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power.

Society

coming soon to a dank river valley near you.

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

tired of using lame, sad metal?

introducing

Bronze

made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.

i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it.

also, guess what?

egypt

meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.

now we're getting somewhere.

also

china

and did i mention

indus river valley civilization

norte chico

the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east.

knock knock, er, clop clop.

it's the people with the horses.

and they made an empire.

and then everyone else copied their horses.

greeks

ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.

let's check in with the indus river valley civilization.

they're gone.

guess who's not gone?

china

new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something

and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff

you could make a religion out of this.

there's the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get down to business

also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?

thanks.

look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel.

and they believe in God

just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program.

here's some huge heads.

must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies.

the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.

the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

here comes the assyrian empire.

never mind, it's the babylonian- median-

it's the Persian Empire

"wow, that's big"

ah, the buddha was just enlightened.

who's the buddha?

this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying.

you could make a religion out of this.

oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.

and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.

it's a great idea.

he was great.

and now he's dead.

hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here.

will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants?

ok thanks, bye

time to conquer all of india

or

most of india

but what about this part?

that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings.

who are the tamil kings?

merchants, probably

and they've got spices

who would like to buy the spices?

me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy.

actually, they have three main philosophies.

out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms.

greekification overload!

bye, said the parthians.

bye, said the jews.

hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.

heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast.

thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular.

you could make a religion out of this.

want silk?

now you can buy it from china.

they just made a

brand new road to the world

or you can

get there on water

sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road.

i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again.

remember the persian empire?

yep, said the persians, making a new one.

axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick.

has anyone populated madagascar yet?

let's do it together.

china is whole again

then it broke again

still can't cross the sahara desert?

try camels.

hell yeah! now we've got business

said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves

hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering

is loving jesus legal yet?

no.

actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his

main rival

don't worry about rome, it won't fall.

it's the golden age of india

there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta.

first name chandra.

the first.

guess who's in rome?

barbarians

what's a barbarian?

non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans.

r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name.

the mayans have figured out the stars

oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone

the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe.

great job, göktürks.

how's india?

broken.

how's china?

back together

how's those trading kingdoms?

bigger, and there's more of them

korea has 3 kingdoms.

japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear.

so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake.

and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town.

you could make a religion out of this.

and maybe conquer the world as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope.

plus there's

new kingdoms all over europe

i wonder if there's room for moors.

here's all the wisdom.

in a house.

it's the baghdad house of wisdom.

just in time for the

islamic golden age

let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast.

remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there?

someone owns that now.

wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas.

surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire.

then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france.

but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring.

they go north, from the north to the northern north.

and they find some land.

two types of land.

and they name them accordingly.

they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings.

there's the rus.

the kievan rus.

are they vikings?

i don't think so, said the kievan rus.

ok, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more emperors.

of the "roman empire".

the holy roman empire.

it's actually germany but don't worry about it.

new kingdoms.

christianize all the kingdoms

which brand would you like?

mine's better.

mine's better.

mine's better.

time to conquer england, said william.

it's a bird, it's a plane

it's the seljuk turks

aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore.

we need help!

they need help, so they call the pope.

hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks?

maybe take back the holy land on the way?

come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.

yes, i do actually want to do that.

let's do a crusade.

crusade

they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail.

but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.

goodbye mayans.

hello toltecs

goodbye toltecs.

hello mississippi

look at those mounds.

there's the pueblo.

i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.

guess who's here?

khmer.

where?

here.

and pagan is there.

vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.

china just invented bombs, and typing.

and the mongols just invaded most of the universe.

nice going, Genghis!

i bet that will last a long time.

some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.

is it tonga time?

i think it's tonga time.

i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold.

look at this chad.

means "lake".

there's an empire there.

right in the middle of

Africa

the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know.

wow, that guy's rich, everyone said.

the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain.

please remain christian.

we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect.

whoops, half of europe just died.

ming

china's back, yay!

hey khmer, time to share.

new kingdoms here and there.

oh, look who controls all the islands.

it's the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

majapahit?

oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics.

it's kinda like a rebirth.

here's a printer.

let's make books.

so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire?

yep, said the ottoman turks.

nice job, ottoman turks.

whoops, you missed a spot.

don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.

what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless.

well i guess we'll have to find another way to india

wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack.

if the world is round, let's go this way to india.

nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal.

so chris goes to spain.

hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?

no.

please?

no.

please?

no.

please?

ok.

so he sails into the ocean.

and discovers more ocean.

and then discovers the indies.

and japan.

let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.

the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start.

i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent?

the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other.

move over lithuania, here comes moscow.

ivan wants to make russia great again.

move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something.

persia just made persia persian again.

let's make it the other kind of islam.

the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.

hey christians!

do you sin?

now you can buy your way out of hell.

that's bullshit.

this whole thing is bullshit.

that's a scam.

fuck the church.

here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.

you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat?

what if the ottoman empire was really big?

which it is now.

what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible.

portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade.

and then that dream was real.

and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway.

damn, said england and france.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam.

damn, said amsterdam.

we gotta start pillaging some stuff.

question 1: can you get to india through north america?

no, but at least there's beaver.

question 2: steal the spice trade.

that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.

sugar

guess where all the sugar's made?

in brazil.

stolen

and the caribbean.

and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery.

the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger.

britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world.

more specifically, ohio.

then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss.

but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss?

yes they did.

it's britain.

guess who's broke?

also britain.

so they start taxing the hell out of america.

fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it.

and france helps them win, now france is broke.

and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

you could make a reli- no, don't.

haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution.

especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.

why didn't we think of this before?

wait, who's in charge of france now?

me

said napoleon, trying to take over europe.

luckily, they banished him to an island.

but he came back

luckily, they banished him to another island.

there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.

britain just figured out how to turn steam into power.

so now they can make

many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast

then they invent some trains.

and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.

hey, china! said britain.

buy stuff from us!

nah dude, we already got everything, says china.

so britain tried to get them addicted to opium.

which worked, actually.

but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.

so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island.

britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan.

also, the

sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now

"that's just where he lives"

india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.

nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before.

technology is about to go crazy

the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

it's bad, they decided.

and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.

i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest.

theynevergotethiopia

britain and france are still hungry.

theynevergotthailand

the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.

hawaii

cuba

wait, spain controls cuba.

well, blame something on them and go to war!

what should we blame on spain?

let's blame the maine on spain.

so they blame the maine on spain.

now we're in business.

to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

britain just found oil in the middle east.

itmakescarsgo

china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government.

europe hasn't had a war since the last war.

so they start world war 1.

look at those guns.

it's gonna be a great war.

so great we won't need a second one.

after it's over, they blame germany.

russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government.

now everyone's paycheck is the same.

communism

in the soviet union

the arabs revolt and britain helps.

now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the

jewish people a place to live

hopefully the arabs won't mind.

let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire.

except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey

and then the saudis conquer arabia.

it just seemed like the right thing to do.

hello?

yes, it's the 1920's calling.

let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies.

the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding.

germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model.

and he's mad at the jews for existing.

japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard.

they should probably just deny it.

hitler's out of control.

so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea.

but he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

that's world war 2

bonus round!

pacific showdown.

united states vs. japan.

fight!

finish him

let's unite all the nations and have some

world peace

seems legit.

hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public.

wow, that worked?

bonus, now there's pakistan.

actually two pakistans.

one of them can be bangladesh later.

the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land.

me, they both said at the same time.

let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.

sike, they both get angrier

look out china, there's a new china in china.

what's on the menu?

communism!

no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island.

i wonder which one is the real china?

there's the korean war, korea versus korea.

nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.

let's meet the sponsors.

oh, it's the two global superpowers.

they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan.

and they both have atom bombs.

fight!

wait, no, that would be the end of the world.

let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead.

and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

i'll race you to space.

now let's make some more countries fight themselves.

europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged.

so here's a new map, with new countries.

now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.

the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad.

they decided it's bad, and the world agrees.

south africa might need another minute to think about it.

let's check the world population.

whoa.

okay.

technology's better too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.

europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it.

let's check the mail.

surprise, it's on the computer.

whoops, someone just attacked america.

i bet they'll remember that.

phone call.

surprise, it's in your pocket.

wanna learn everything?

surprise, it's on the computer.

now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.

whoops, the economy just crashed.

don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to.

surprise!

flying robots.

with bombs.

wanna print a brain?

some people have no friends.

some people have no food.

the globe is warming

and the ocean is full of plastic

let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how.

let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor.

that's pretty cool.

by the way, where the hell are we?

FIN

[irkenkinnie]

hi. you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it, actually most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so everywhere you don't need a where. you don't even need a when. that's how every it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. whoah, i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks & stuff ah, that's a thing. in a place. don't like it? try a new place. at a different time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger. and emptier. but it's not empty yet. it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. great news! the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too HOT

great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other. and some of them even doubled up. great news, the electrons have now joined in congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together. and it's getting closer together. and it's getting closer toge- it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit. space dust which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: it's raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that's land! there's life in the ocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no, a microscopic speck. it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food taste the sun side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue. then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge. it's a plant. it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land? no why? the sun is a deadly lazer oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! nope, can't walk yet. and there's no food yet, so i don't care. ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? maybe, said some bugs, and fish. ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies learn to use an egg. i was already doing that. use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. oh fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice. "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age what, you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review. there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this. i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers. and the animals are helping. guess what happens next more food. and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power. Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing Bronze made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also china and did i mention indus river valley civilization norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the people with the horses. and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization. they're gone. guess who's not gone? china new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babylonian- median- it's the Persian Empire "wow, that's big" ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was great. and now he's dead. hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks, bye time to conquer all of india or most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably and they've got spices who would like to buy the spices? me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms. greekification overload! bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world or you can get there on water sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. hell yeah! now we've got business said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet? no. actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians what's a barbarian? non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them korea has 3 kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear. so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there's new kingdoms all over europe i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom. just in time for the islamic golden age let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land. two types of land. and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings. there's the rus. the kievan rus. are they vikings? i don't think so, said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors. of the "roman empire". the holy roman empire. it's actually germany but don't worry about it. new kingdoms. christianize all the kingdoms which brand would you like? mine's better. mine's better. mine's better. time to conquer england, said william. it's a bird, it's a plane it's the seljuk turks aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. we need help! they need help, so they call the pope. hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land. yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade. crusade they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here. and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, Genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad. means "lake". there's an empire there. right in the middle of Africa the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know. wow, that guy's rich, everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming china's back, yay! hey khmer, time to share. new kingdoms here and there. oh, look who controls all the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. majapahit? oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we'll have to find another way to india wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. if the world is round, let's go this way to india. nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal. so chris goes to spain. hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world? no. please? no. please? no. please? ok. so he sails into the ocean. and discovers more ocean. and then discovers the indies. and japan. let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent? the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy. hey christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat? what if the ottoman empire was really big? which it is now. what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. damn, said england and france. we gotta start pillaging some stuff. then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. damn, said amsterdam. we gotta start pillaging some stuff. question 1: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question 2: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. sugar guess where all the sugar's made? in brazil. stolen and the caribbean. and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did. it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america. fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. and france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no, don't. haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution. especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. why didn't we think of this before? wait, who's in charge of france now? me said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power. so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. hey, china! said britain. buy stuff from us! nah dude, we already got everything, says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium. which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now "that's just where he lives" india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more. hawaii cuba wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? let's blame the maine on spain. so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war. so they start world war 1. look at those guns. it's gonna be a great war. so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the jewish people a place to live hopefully the arabs won't mind. let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control. so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that's world war 2 bonus round! pacific showdown. united states vs. japan. fight! finish him let's unite all the nations and have some world peace seems legit. hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public. wow, that worked? bonus, now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. me, they both said at the same time. let's divide up the land so everyone's happy. sike, they both get angrier look out china, there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china? there's the korean war, korea versus korea. nobody wins, then it's on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. i'll race you to space. now let's make some more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map, with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population. whoa. okay. technology's better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail. surprise, it's on the computer. whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call. surprise, it's in your pocket. wanna learn everything? surprise, it's on the computer. now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to. surprise! flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming and the ocean is full of plastic let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how. let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

[harryzroze]

hi, you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it. actually, most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? a long time ago... actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so "everywhere," you don't need a "where." you don't even need a "when." that's how "every" it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. big bang— pause woah. i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! don't like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it's not empty yet! it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. about no seconds later great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying around that wants to join in, but can't cause it's too HOT. ten minutes later great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up. about 380,000 years later great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now... a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together... ten million years later and it's getting closer together... 500 million years later and it's getting closer togeth—star is born it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust! so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. meteor hits earth holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might've had water inside of them and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava. weather update... it's raining. severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert. that's land! there'slifeintheocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. microscopic speck asexually reproduces oh yeah, and it can do that. reproduces three more times it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun! side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. then the earth might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NO why? the sun is a deadly laser oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! "nope, can't walk yet." "and there's no food yet, so i don't care." 100 million years later okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? "maybe," said some bugs. and fish. fish gasps for air five million years later okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies! idea: learn to use an egg. "i was already doing that" use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean 50 million years later and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. Permian extinction oh, fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it's about to become 75 million years later the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. meteor strikes and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice: "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person! and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age! what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review: there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it. time to plant some grass. look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next? more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there's more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power, Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also, china and did i mention indus river valley civilization society count: 5 ... norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not gone? china. new arrivals from india... maybe it's those horse people i was talking about... or their cousins or something... and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff... you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just one though, and he's got like a ten-step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babyloni— media—it's the Persian Empire: "wow, that's big" enlightenment ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. enlightenment ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was... great. and now he's dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta. he says "get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye" time to conquer all of india er most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they've got spices! who would like to buy the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies: confucianism: have good morals taoism: go with the flow legalism: fuck you, obey the law out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. nomads ransack china let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. "thanks for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. "hi, everything's great," said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world. conquers vietnam or you can get there on water "sick! new trade routes!" said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again... ...then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. "hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves. "hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet?" "no" "actually, okay sure," said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore, so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together. how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. intermission deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there's new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age! "let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast," said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. "surprise! you're the new roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france. the northerners, er, just "norse" if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly. prankd they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as "vikings." there's the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? "i don't think so," said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. new kingdoms—CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!! which brand would you like? "mine's better" "mine's better" "mine's better" "time to conquer england," said william. it's a bird! it's a plane! it's the seljuk turks! "aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we need help!" they need help! so they call the pope. "hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land." "yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade." crusade! they did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold. look at this chad! it means "lake." there's an empire there! right in the middle of africa! the king of mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, that guy's rich," everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming! china's back, yay! hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there. oh, look who controls all of the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. ma-ja-pa-hit? oh, italy's real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books! so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. "what? that's bullshit," said portugal, spiceless. "well i guess we'll have to find another way to india" "wait!" said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. "if the world is round, let's go this way to india." "nah, don't worry, we already got this," said portugal. so chris goes to spain. "hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?" "no" "please?" "no" "please?" "wtf" "no" "please?" "...okay" so he sails into the ocean, and discovers... more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other. move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should've been the other guy. hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell! "that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. "you know what would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. "what if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it is now. "what if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. "damn," said england and france. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we gotta start pillaging some stuff." question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it's so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did! it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. "fuck you!" says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? "let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!" said robespierre, cutting everybody's heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a rel— no, don't. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we think of this before?" wait, who's in charge of france now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back! luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. "hey, china!" said britain. "buy stuff from us!" "nah, dude, we already got everything," says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he lives." india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. "nope," said britain, governing them even harder than before. incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE technology is about to go crazy! the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. "i know! let's rape africa!" said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia... britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand... the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more: hawaii! cuba! wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? u.s.s. maine sinks "let's blame the maine on spain." so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go... china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it's gonna be a great war, so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union... the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won't mind. "let's cut the cake!" said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey! and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. phone rings hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that's world war two! bonus round! pacific showdown united states vs. japan FIGHT!! united states drops two extinction balls on japan FINISH HIM! let's unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit. "hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm going to starve myself in public." britain leaves "wow, that worked?" bonus! now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. "me!" they both said at the same time. let's divide up the lands so we're both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier! look out, china! there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china...? there's the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. "i'll race you to space." united states plants a flag on the moon now let's make more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population! woah. okay. technology is better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail... surprise! it's on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call! surprise! it's in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it's on the computer! now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket! whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail, because they're not supposed to. surprise!... flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic! "let's save the planet!" said everybody, not knowing how. "let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? thanks for watching history i hope i mentioned everything

[writingevil]

Soulmate

by- E.L.B

with help from and written for- @phan-and-destiel

Charlie’s tattoo was simple just some leaves tracing their left arm. They knew one day they were supposed to meet their soulmate with the same leaves and then they would be happy together forever. Charlie hoped that day never came, they worried about what their soulmate would think of them. Charlie, the asexual.

Charlie’s parents were traditionalists, the ones that had their kids cover their tattoo’s until they were eighteen. But Charlie left the church a long time ago after they watched two of the beacon boys get ridiculed for holding hands during service. Charlie didn’t want to be associated with something that hated others. Charlie often took off their cover sleeve before they got to school because they just didn’t see the point of hiding it.

It wasn’t that uncommon to find Charlie writing in between the leaves of their tattoo. They wrote stories of dragons and warriors that teamed up together to overthrow the greater evil. They always ran out of room. That’s what they were doing now during lunch, just sitting away from everyone and writing on their arm.

“Whatcha doing?” Charlie looked up to meet the eye of Amy, a girl they had noticed around school.

“Nothing, I’m just writing something.” Charlie said looking back down at their arm and covering it with their hand.

“I always see you over here writing on your arm, I figured maybe if I asked you might let me read it?” Amy smiled and pushed back the bangs of her pixie cut that Charlie had admired once or twice.

“Sorry, you have to reach at least level 4 friend to unlock arm stories.” Charlie joked softly. Amy sat beside them.

“Well let’s start at level one then.” She said. “I’m Amy, I’m 15 and people tell me I’m annoying.”

“I’m Charlie, I’m also 15 and I don’t think you’re annoying.” Charlie smiled softly.

“Only cause you don’t know me well enough.” Amy clapped Charlie on the shoulder and smiled at them.

Charlie and Amy started sitting together in class and sneaking jokes to each other. They’d sit together at lunch and talk about the new videos of whoever their favorite YTubers were at the moment. Eventually Charlie would come to class with a story written on their arm and let Amy read it while taking notes for the both of them. Next block Amy would let Charlie sleep while she took notes and nudge them whenever the teacher got suspicious. 

“So, question.” Charlie said at lunch one day.

“Answer,” Amy smiled.

“Why’d you come sit with me last year? You used to have a bunch of friends following you around and were the token of traditionalists. Why risk that to sit with someone with their cover off?” 

Amy looked at the ground for a few seconds, “I told them I was homoromantic and they spit in my face. I figured if being traditionalist meant hiding who I am then I don’t want to be a traditionalist.”

“Then why do you wear your cover?” Charlie asked.

“My family goes to one of the weird churches where even the kid themselves aren’t allowed to see the tattoo until they’re 18 and I guess I’m just scared.” Amy shrugged.

“Well, no one can make you take it off. Since you told me that and got bonus points for making me feel guilty for not telling you earlier. You’ve reached level 99 friend and have unlocked special bonuses.”

“Yay!” Amy smiled. “Achievement get!”

“So, I’m asexual and biromantic and I don’t really identify with gender less about the she more about the they.”

“Oh my god.” Amy gasped and covered her mouth. “I never even asked about your gender I just assumed!”

“Yeah most people do cause I keep my hair long but I can’t afford a binder and even if I did I don’t want to look like a boy all the time. I mean sure its nice sometimes but not all the time.” 

“I’m so sorry!”

“It’s fine really I haven’t even told that many people so it doesn’t matter.”

“Charlie- they/them,” Amy said as she wrote on a scrap of paper and handed it to Charlie. “Staple it to my forehead so I remember.”

“You have enough minor brain damage as it is, ya goof.” 

Two weeks later Amy showed up at Charlie’s house before school with a box. 

“Upstairs your room now!” Amy laughed dragging Charlie through their own house.

“Amy, too early. Need coffee.” Charlie groaned still in their PJ’s. Amy plopped on Charlie’s bed and tossed them the box which they missed. “Hope this wasn’t fragile.”

“It’s not just open it!” She sang.

“I should have listened to you when you said you were annoying.” Amy gasped, “Kidding! Kidding!” Charlie opened the box and inside were two tank top-like items of clothing they immediately recognized. “Amy, you didn’t.”

“You’re right I totally didn’t. You never have to wear them unless you feel like you want to that day. Also there’s instructions in the box for safety.” Amy grinned. Charlie ran up and hugged her tightly and Amy fake coughed. “You’re killing me!”

“It’s revenge for the heart attack you just gave me.” Charlie laughed. “Thank you!”

Another year passed and they entered their junior year of hell high school. Amy continued to wear her cover and Charlie choose to cut their hair a bit shorter but still longer than Amy’s. They were called names at school but really they didn’t care as long as they had the other. 

“Hey. Lezbo!” a guy shouted at Amy one day. “Why don’t you and your girlfriend get out of the cafeteria. You and freaks like her don’t belong here.”

Amy breathed deeply and Charlie put their hand on her shoulder. “Just ignore that ass.”

“So, what’s it today?” said the same guy to Charlie. “You finally pick a side?”

Charlie stiffened and grit their teeth which gave Amy the final straw. She stood up and walked over to the guy pulling him up by his shirt. 

“Don’t you ever misgender them on purpose again! They are ten times a better person than you will ever be!” She shouted at him and then kicked him hard where it hurts. “Come on, Charlie, let’s go.” She picked up both her’s and Charlie’s book bags and walked out the door.

Amy got suspended for three days because of that incident but she didn’t care and said the thing she missed most was reading whatever Charlie had written on their arm that day. Charlie missed their naps and their friend. School got scarier when Amy wasn’t with them. But little did they know it would be a while before they got their friend back in school. 

Amy texted them on the last day of their suspension that she was coming over. That’s what it had become it wasn’t a question it was just known that Amy could come hang out in Charlie’s room when thing’s at home got too tough. Charlie got worried after it had been an hour and she hadn’t shown up so she decided to call her. 

“RING! RING! RING! Hey this is Amy if you’re Charlie calling leave a message anyone else please fuck off at the beep. BEEEP!”

“Hey Amy its Charlie. Please call me back I’m really worried.”

Another hour passes. 

“Amy, Its Charlie you live 15 minutes from my house. Call me back, I’m worried.”

Thirty minutes pass.

“Amy. Charlie answer your phone I’m worried sick about you.”

One hour later.

“It’s Charlie, you know the drill call me when you can. I’m super worried.”

15 minutes later Charlie’s phone starts to ring and they answer it without looking.

“Amy? Are you okay?”

“Charlie this is Amy’s mother. Amy was in a car accident and she’s in the hospital can you please come as soon as possible? Charlie? Charlie? Are you there?”

Charlie gasped in a deep breath of air. “Yes Mrs. Granite I’ll be their as soon as possible.”

They hung up and grabbed a coat and keys throwing their coat on over their PJs and shoving their phone into the pocket. They dashed downstairs in flip flops. 

“Charlie?” Their mother called out and stopped them in front of the door. “You’re a mess where are you going so late at night.”

“Mom, Amy’s been in a car wreck please she’s in the hospital.” They took deep breaths. 

“Give me your keys.” their mom said.

“Wha-” 

“No but’s you’re in no state to drive. I’ll drive you there.” Their mother said taking the keys out of their hand. “Frank! Charlie and I are leaving for the hospital I’ll be back in a half an hour to pick up some stuff to bring to them.” 

Charlie didn’t know how to process everything that was going on right then and there so they just shoved it down and stared out the window wishing speed limits didn’t exist for concerned friends. They reached the hospital in a half an hour and Charlie rushed in before their mom had put the car in park.

“Amy Granite. 6-15-99. She was in a car accident.” Charlie rushed out to the nurse at the desk as their mom walked in.

The nurse started entering information. “And you are?”

“I’m ...” they looked to their mother unsure of their own name at the moment. 

“Charlie Harvard and I’m their mother. Amy’s mom called Charlie and asked them to come.” 

“Yes. Amy is currently in the ICU, you’re allowed up in the waiting room up there. Third floor to the right.” The nurse said. “And sweetie, drink some water and count to ten try not to panic okay. Your friend will be fine.”

Charlie nodded and dragged her mom to the elevators and waited impatiently. When they reached the waiting room Amy’s mom sat with her head bowed and hands clasped with tears running down her face. 

“Mrs. Granite?” Charlie asked softly stopping in front of her. 

“Oh, Charlie!” She stood and wrapped her arms around the worried teen. 

“Is she okay?”

“She was hit by a drunk driver and it’s not good. Her car was flipped and she’s unconscious and I don’t know what’s happening they won’t let me see her.”

Charlie sat and covered their mouth. Their mother left to grab them a change of clothes, blankets and coffee for all of them. They sat in the waiting room for what felt like hours. The clock ticked out of rhythm with the fast pace of Charlie’s heart. Charlie prayed to every god they could remember even the one’s so stupid they couldn’t possibly be really. Eventually a doctor came out.

“Granite?”

“That’s me!” said Amy’s mother and she grabbed Charlie as well. “I’m Amy Granite’s mother.”

“We were able to get everything stable but she is comatose as of right now. We don’t know when she will wake up. You can come back to see her if you like.” the doctor said kindly. Amy’s mother nodded and followed the doctor not letting go of Charlie’s arm. The trio walked through a maze of hallways until they reached a dark room with a single bed and a lot of machines.  Amy had a bruise covering the majority of her face and an oxygen mask strapped across her mouth. There was an IV in her left arm which they had taken the cover off of. Amy’s mom sat on her right and Charlie took the left side . 

“Feel free to stay for as long as you like.” The doctor said. 

Charlie took Amy’s hand careful of her oxygen reader. They sat their for a while Amy’s mom fell asleep on the uncomfortable sofa after making Charlie promise to wake her up if anything happened. Charlie’s mom came back and sat with them for a while before falling asleep but Charlie stayed awake tracing the leaves on their friends arm the leaves they had seen everyday for most of their life. The leaves they had written between to make the cute girl with the same leaves on her arm smile. It was funny how long it took Charlie to actually realize it. They held up their arm to Amy’s and smiled softly. 

“Well, now you have to wake up cause I have so much to tell you.” Charlie whispered to Amy.

It was two weeks before Amy finally woke up. Charlie’s mom made them go back to school after one week and they were in school when they got called down to the office.

“Charlie Harvard for Dismissal” 

They bolted out of their class not even listening to the teacher and ran to the attendance office.

“Your moms outside.” 

They thanked the lady and scribbled their name and time and ran out of hell school and straight to their mom’s car.

“Amy?”

“Not awake yet but they think it will be soon.”

Charlie tried to convince their mom that speeding wasn’t illegal in this instance, it didn’t work. They raced to Amy’s room but when they got there nothing had changed. Amy still wasn’t awake yet. They exchanged greetings with Amy’s mom and sat beside her. Charlie fell asleep a few hours later. They were woken up by a haunting noise and Amy’s mother calling for help. The low beep was coming from Amy’s heart monitor and the line was straight. 

“Charlie we need to leave.”

“Mom!” 

“Charlie. Amy will be fine. We need to get out of the doctor’s way.” Their mother tried to pull them up but Charlie wasn’t looking away from Amy. 

“Get her out of here!” said a doctor and a male nurse picked Charlie up and they screamed and kicked. 

“AMY!! AMYYY!!!” They felt tears run down their face and started to cough feeling everything go dark. 

Charlie woke up in their own hospital bed a few hours later with their mother and a nurse looking at them.

“Look who finally decided to wake up.” their mother smiled. 

“Amy!”

“Amy is fine. You were dehydrated and panic ridden.” the nurse said. “Drink up and then once I check your vitals you can see your girlfriend.”

Charlie blushed but did everything the nurse said. They let them go thirty minutes later. 

“C’mon. She’s been asking for you.”

“She’s awake?” Charlie gasped and ran for the elevator. 

“I thought that might happen.” their mom sighed. 

Charlie raced to Amy’s room flipping off the male nurse that carried them out as they passed him. They stopped at the door and took a deep breath. By now Amy would’ve seen the tattoo. They knocked softly. 

“Come in.” It was like the voice of an angel they had missed it so much. They walked in and saw Amy sitting up on her bed smiling at them and then in between their arms. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

[ah17hh]

history of the entire world I guess 👀🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎😳🌎🌎🌎🌎 via /r/emojipasta

history of the entire world I guess 👀🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎🌎😳🌎🌎🌎🌎

hi, 🤚 you're on a rock 🗿 floating in space. 🌖 pretty cool, 😎👍 huh? 😕❔ some of it's water. 🤽‍♂️ fuck it. 🚮 actually, most of it's water 💦 . 🐃⛲ i 😀 can't even 🌒🌒🌒 get 🉐 from here 📍 to there without buying 🛍 a boat. ⛴⚓ it's sad. 🙍 i'm sad. 🙁😔 i 😭😭😭😭😭miss you😭😭😰😰😰.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?🤔🤔

a long time 🕗 ago... actually, never 🙅‍♂️. and also now. nothing 🚯 is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right 🤓? 🗯 like 🥰 i 😊 said, it 🚮 didn't happen 🤷‍♀️. nothing 🚯 was never anywhere🤷‍♂️. that's why it's been everywhere 😱. it's been so 🆘 "everywhere," you 😊 don't need a "where." you 😀 don't even 🌃 need a "when." that's how "every" it 🚮 gets. 🉐

forget this 😤. i wanna be something 👨‍🔧. go somewhere 🇵🇰. do something 🏀⚽️. i 😊 want things to change. i 😀 want to invent time ⏱ and space. 📡👨‍🚀📡👨‍🚀📡👨‍🚀 and i 😀 know it's possible because everything is here, 📍🈁 and it 🚮 probably already happened. i 😀 just don't know when to start. 🆕

and that's exactly where it 🚮 started 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

big bang — pause ⏸

woah. i 😊 paused it. 🚮 i 😊 think 🤔💭 there's a universe now. what's 😦 it 🚮 made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that's a thing! in a place! 🥈 don't like 🏩😻 it? 🚮 try a new 🌚 place, 🏆 at a different Time™. try to stick 🥍 together, because the world 🌏 is gonna get 🉐 bigger and emptier. but it's not 🚯 empty 🈳 yet! it's still very full, 🈵 and about a kjghpillion degrees. 🎓

about no 📭 seconds 🥈 later

great 🇬🇧 news! 🇵🇬 the quarks are 👉 now happily married in groups 👥 of three, 🥰 called a "proton" and a "neutron." and there's something else flying 🥏 around that wants to join 🈴 in, but can't cause 🎗 it's too HOT.

ten minutes later

great 🇬🇧 news! 🆕 the protons and neutrons are 👉 now happily married to each other! some of them even 🌘 doubled up.

about 380,000 🤭 years later

great 🇬🇧 news! 🌑 the electrons have 🈶 now joined in. congratulations! 🎉🎆 the world 🌍 is now... a bunch of gas 😤 in space. 🌕 but it's getting 🉐 closer together...

ten million years later 👴

and it's getting 🉐 closer together...

500 million years later 👴

and it's getting 🉐 closer togeth—

star is born

it's a star

new 🆕 shit 💩 just got made!

some stars ✨ burn out 😛 and die. ⚱ bigger stars ⭐⭐⭐ burn out 😝 and die 🎲 with passion! and make some brand ™️ new 🇳🇨 way crazier shit.

space dust!

which allows for newer 🌑🆕 and more ➕ interesting stars 🎇🤩🔭 to be made, and then die ⚰ and explode 🧨 into even crazier space 🌖 dust!

so 🆘 now, stars ☪✨ have 🈶 cool 👍 stuff 🥙🥙🥙 around them, like 👭😄 rocks, 🧗‍♂️🧗‍♀️ ice, 🏒🍧⛸ and funny 😃 clouds, 🌨 which can make some very interesting things. like 😚 this ball 🏐🏐🏐 of flaming 🔥 rocks, 🧗‍♂️🗿 for example.

meteor hits 👊 earth

holy shit, 💩💩💩 we 🌿 just got hit 👊 by another ball 🍙 of flaming 🔥 rocks. 🧗‍♂️ and it 🚮🚮🚮 kind of... made a mess. which is now the moon

weather update: it's raining ⛈🌧 rocks 🗿🧗‍♂️ from outer 😝 space. 🌘

weather update: those rocks 🗿🧗‍♀️ might've had water 🚰 inside 💠 of them and now there's hot 🍨 steam 🚂 in the sky. 🌈

weather update: cooler 😎 temperatures 🤒 today and the floor 🤣 is no 😶 longer lava.

weather update... it's raining. ⛈🌂

severe flooding alert, the entire world 🌎 is now an ocean. 🐋

volcano alert 🚨 .

that's land!

there'slifeintheocean

what? 😦

hello I am u/THEAppleMan_

*something's alive in the ocean 🌊 *

oh, cool. 🆒 like 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 a plant, 🍀 or an animal? 🦐 no! 🚳 a microscopic speck. it 🚮 lives in the bottom ⤵️ of the ocean 🇮🇴🇮🇴🇮🇴 and eats 🍽 chemical soup, 🥫 which is being served hot 🍧 and fresh, ⛲ made from gnarly space 🌌 ingredients left 🤛🛅↙️ over 🌄 from when it 🚮 was raining ⛈ rocks 🧗‍♀️ or whatever.

microscopic speck asexually reproduces

oh yeah, and it 🚮 can do that.

reproduces three 🍆🥰 more ➕ times

it 🚮 has secret 🤐㊙️ instructions written inside 💠 itself telling 🗣 it 🚮 how to build 🏪👷⚒ another one 🔂 of itself. so 🆘 that's pretty nifty, i 😊 would say. 🗣

tired 💤 of living at the bottom ⏬🔻 of the ocean? 🐙

now you 😊😀 can eat 🍽 sunlight!

using a revolutionary technique, you 🤟😀 can convert sunlight into food. 🍽

taste the sun!

side 🚄 effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky 🌆 is blue. 🈳

then the earth 🌎🌍 might've been a snowball for a while. maybe even 🌜 a couple 👩‍❤️‍👩 of times. ⌚⌚⌚

it's a sponge... it's a plant... it's a worm, 🐛 and some other types ⌨ of weird 😕 strange water ⛵ bugs 🐛 and strange fish. 🦈🦈🦈

it's the Cambrian explosion: "wow, ❕😮 that's animals 🐷 and stuff" 🥙

but we're still in the ocean. 🇮🇴 hey, can we 🌿 go on land? 🛫

NO

why?

the sun 🌤 is a deadly ☠ laser

oh okay. 👌

not anymore, there's a blanket

now the animals 🙊🐥 can go on land. 🛫 come on, animals, 🐙 let's go on land! 🛫

"nope, 🙅 can't walk 🏃 yet."

"and there's no 📵 food 🥐 yet, so 🆘 i 😊 don't care." 💅

100 million years later

okay, 👌👌👌 will you 😀 learn 📖 to walk 🚶‍♀️ if there's plants 🏡 up here? 📌

"maybe," said some bugs. 🐜 and fish. 🐬

fish gasps for air 💨

five million years later

okay, 👌 so 🆘 i 😀 can go on land, 🛫 but i 😀 have 🈶 to go back 🤚⬅️🤚⬅️🤚⬅️ in the water 🚣 to have babies!

idea: learn 📕 to use an egg. 🐣

"i 😊 was already doing that"

use a stronger 💪 egg. 🍳 put 🚮 water 🚰 in it. 🚮 have 🈶 a baby, 🐤🐣🐤🐣🐤🐣 on land, 🛫 in an egg. 🐣 water 🚰 is in the egg. 🥚 baby, 🐥🤰 in the egg, 🍳 in the water, 🤽‍♀️ in the egg. 🐣🐣🐣

works 💼 for me. bye bye ocean

50 million years later

and now everything's huge. including bugs. 🐜🐝

wanna see 👁 a map 🗺 of the land? 🛫 sure.

Permian extinction

oh, fuck, now everything's dead. 💀⚱

just kidding, here 🈁 are 👉 the survivors. keep your eye 👁😚 on this one, 🔂 because it's about to become

75 million years later

the dinosaurs. 🦖

here's 📍 another map 🗺 of the land. 🛫 yeah, it 🚮 broke apart. don't worry about it, 🚮 it 🚮 does that all the time. ⌛🕦🕥 here 📍 comes a meteor.

meteor strikes

and the dinosaurs 🦕 are gone

it's mammal time, 🕰🕛 here 📍 come the mammals. look 👀👀👀 at those breasts.

now they're gonna dominate the world, 🌎 but one 🔂 of them just learned how to grab stuff. 🥙 and walk. 🏃‍♀️ no, 🚳 like, 😄 walk 🚷 like 👬 that. and grab stuff 🧸 at the same time. 🕕 and bang rocks 🗿🧗‍♂️🗿🧗‍♂️🗿🧗‍♂️ together to make pointed ✴️ rocks. 🧗‍♂️🧗‍♀️

"ouch"

and set things on fire. 🕯

"yeouch"

and make crazy 🤪 sounds 🔕🔊 with their voice:

"gneurshk"

which can mean 😏 different things.

that's a human 🏊‍♀️ person!

and now they're everywhere. almost.

ice age!

what? 😦 you 🤟 can walk 👣 over 🤭 here? 📌 cool. 🆒

not anymore

well i 😀 guess we're stuck 😝 here 📌 now.

let's review: there's people 👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 on the planet. 🌗 and they're chasing their food. 🥟

fuck it. 🚮 time 🕚 to plant 🌱 some grass. 🍃

look 👀 at this. i 😊 get 🉐 to control 🛂 the food 🍑🍿 now. now everyone will want to be my 😀😀😀 friend 🐶 and live near me. let's all build ⚒ houses, 🏚 except mine is bigger because i 😀 own the food. 🍽

this is great! 🇬🇧 i 😀 wonder if anyone else is doing this.

tired 💤 of using rocks 🗿🧗‍♀️ for everything? use metal. 🤘 it's underground.

better 🎰 farming 🚜 was just invented in a sweet 🍯 dank valley right ↔️ in between these two ✌ rivers, and the animals 🐻🏇🦖 are 👉 helping. 🆘

guess what 😦😦😦 happens next?

more ➕ food. 🧀🍩 and more ➕ people, 👩‍👦👨‍👧‍👧👨‍👧 who came to buy 🛍 the food. 🍲 now you 😀 need people 👨‍👨‍👧 to help 🆘 make the food 🥮 and keep track ⏭ of the sales. 💰 and now you 😀 need houses 🚪 for people 👭👭👭 to live in and people 👩‍👩‍👧‍👦 to make the houses 🏡 and now there's more ➕ people 👩‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 invent things which makes things better 🎰 and more ➕ people 👨‍👦 come and there's more ➕ farming 🚜 and more ➕ people 👨‍👧👨‍👨‍👦 to make more ➕ things for more ➕ people 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power,

Society

coming soon 🔜 to a dank river valley near you. 🤟😀

meanwhile, out 😝 in the middle 🖕 of nowhere, the horse 🎠🐴 is probably being tamed.

why is all my 😀 metal 🤘 so 🆘🆘🆘 lame and lumpy?

tired 😪 of using lame, sad 😔 metal? 🤘 introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. 🛫 i 😀 dunno, my 😊 dealer won't tell 🗣 me where he 💁‍♂️ gets 🉐 it. 🚮 also, guess what? 😦

egypt

meanwhile, out 😜 in the middle 🖕 of nowhere, they 💁 figured out 😝 how to put 🚮 wheels 🎡 on a horse. 🏇 now we're getting 🉐 somewhere. also,

china

and did i 😊 mention

indus river valley civilization

society count: 5

...

norte chico

the middle east 🌏 is getting 🉐 more ➕ complicated. maybe because it's in the middle of the east. 🌏

knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the... people 👨‍👨‍👧 with the horses? 🏇 and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. 🏇

greeks!

ah look, 👁 it 🚮 must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.

let's check ☑️ in with the indus river valley civilization: they're gone. guess who's not 🚯 gone? china.

new arrivals 🛬 from india... maybe it's those horse 🐴 people 👩‍👩‍👧 i 😀 was talking 🗨 about... or their cousins or something...

and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff...

you 🤟🤟🤟 could make a religion ⛪🔯 out 😜 of this.

there's the bronze age collapse.

now the phoenicians can get 🉐 down ⤵️⬇️ to business

also, can we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 switch to a metal 🤘 that's a little easier to find? 🔍 thanks. 🙌

look 👁 who came back ↩️ to israel, 🇮🇱 it's the twelve tribes of israel. 🇮🇱

and they 💁 believe in God

just one 1️⃣ though, and he's 💁‍♂️ got like 👫👫👫 a ten-step 🔟🚶 program. 📻

here's 📌 some huge heads. 💆‍♂️ must be the olmecs.

the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea 💡 and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so 🆘 big it 🚮 makes colonies.

here 📍 comes the assyrian empire. never mind, 🤯 it's the babyloni— media—

it's the Persian Empire: "wow, ❕ that's big"

enlightenment

ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, 👨 who sat under a tree 🍃 for so 🆘 long that he 💁‍♂️ figured out 😜 how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you 😊 could make a religion ⛪ out 😝😝😝 of this.

oops, 💦😖 china 🇨🇳 just broke. but while it 🚮 was breaking, 💔 confucius was figuring out 😜 how to have 🈶 good 🙅‍♂️ morals.

enlightenment

ah, the greeks just had the idea 💡 of thinking 🤔 about stuff. 🥙

and right 🤜 over 🤬🤬🤬 here, 🈁 alexander just had the idea 💡 of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great 🇬🇧 idea. 💡 he 💁‍♂️ was... great. 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 and now he's 💁‍♂️ dead. ⚰ hopefully, the rest 🛏 of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

knock knock, it's chandragupta. he 💁‍♂️ says 🗣 "get 🉐 the hell out 😜😜😜 of here. 📌 will you 😀 get 🉐 the hell out 😜😝 of here 📍 if i 😊 give you 🤟 500 elephants? 🐘 okay, 👌 thanks, 🙌 bye"

time to conquer all of india

er

most of india

but what 😦 about this part? 〽️ that's the tamil kings. 🤴 no 🚳 one 🔂🔂🔂 conquers the tamil kings. 👑 who are 👉 the tamil kings? 👑 merchants, probably. and they've got spices!

who would like 💛👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 to buy 🛍 the spices? "me!" said the arabians, swiftly buying 🛍 it 🚮 and selling it 🚮 to the rest 🛏 of the world. 🗺🌎

hey, china 🇨🇳 put 🚮 itself back ⬅️🤚 together again, with good 🦸‍♀️❇️ morals as their main philosophy. actually, they 💁 have 🈶 three 🥰 main philosophies:

confucianism: have 🈶🈶🈶 good 🉑🌟🙅 morals

taoism: go with the flow

legalism: fuck you, 😀 obey the law

out 😝😛 here, 📌 the horse 🐴🐴🐴 nomads run wild 🐯 and free, 🆓 and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 would like 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 to ransack your city. 🇻🇦

nomads ransack china

let's check ✔️ the greekification levels 🎚 of the greekified kingdoms: 🇬🇧 greekification overload. bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over 🤬🤭 the entire place. 🏟🏟🏟

heyyyyy, said the romans, eating 🍽 the entire mediterranean for breakfast. 🥓 "thanks 🙌 for invading our homeland," said the jews, who were starting 💫 to get 🉐 tired 😫 of people 👩‍👦 invading their homeland.

"hi, everything's great," 🇬🇧 said some guy 👨 who seems to be getting 🉐 very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more ➕ popular. you 🤟 could make a religion 🛐 out 😝😛 of this.

want silk? 🕸 now you 😊 can buy 🛍 it 🚮 from china. 🇨🇳 they 💁 just made a brand new 🇵🇬 road 🛣 to the world.

conquers vietnam

or you 🤟😀 can get there on water

"sick! 😷 new 🇳🇿 trade routes!" said india, 🇮🇳 accidentally spreading their religion ☦ to the entire southeast. ↘️

hmm, that's a good 📈 place 🚩 for an epic trading kingdom. 🇬🇧

there goes buddhism, ☸ travelling 💱💱💱 up the silk 🕸 road. 🛣 i 😀 wonder if it'll reach china 🍚 before it 🚮 collapses again.

remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new 🌚 one. 🔂

axum is getting 🉐 so 🆘 powerful, they 💁 would like 💒 to build 👷‍♀️ a long stick. 🥍

has anyone populated madagascar 🇲🇬 yet? let's do it 🚮 together.

china is whole again...

...then it 🚮 broke again

still can't cross ✝ the sahara 🇪🇭 desert? 🐪 try camels. 🐪

"hell yeah! now we've got business," said the ghana 🇬🇭 empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.

"hi, i'm a member of the roman empire, and i 😊 was wondering

is loving 💑💝 jesus legal 📝 yet?"

"no" 🇳🇴

"actually, okay 👌 sure," said constantine, moving 📦 the capital 🔠🔠🔠 way ↕️ over 🤭 here 📍🈁 to be closer to his 🐍🐍🐍 main rival. don't worry about rome, it 🚮 won't fall. 🍁

it's the golden age of india

there's the gupta empire, not 🚯 chandragupta, just gupta. first 🌛 name 📛 chandra. the first. 🌓

guess who's in rome? barbarians. what's 😦 a barbarian? "non-romans," said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, 🚮 the other half is just fine, but it's not 🚯 in rome anymore, so 🆘 let's give it 🚮 a new 🇵🇬 name. 📛

the mayans have 🈶 figured out 😛 the stars

oh, and here's 📌 a huge city, 🇻🇦 population: everyone.

the göktürks have 🈶 taken over 🌄🤬 the entire eurasian steppe. great 🇬🇧 job, 💼 göktürks.

how's india? 🇮🇳 broken. 🏚 how's china? 🍚 back together.

how's those trading kingdoms? 🇬🇧 bigger, and there's more ➕ of them.

korea 🇰🇵 has three 3️⃣ kingdoms. 🇬🇧 japan 🍥 has a kingdom, 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 it's the sunrise 🌄 kingdom. 🇬🇧

intermission

deep in the arabian desert, 🏝 on the top 🔝 of a mountain, 🌁🗻 the real god whispers in muhammad's ear. 👂 so, 🆘 he 💁‍♂️ goes down ⏬🙃 to the cube where everyone worships 🕍 gods and he 💁‍♂️ tells 🗣 them their gods are 👉 all fake. and everyone got so 🆘 mad 💢 at him that he 💁‍♂️ had to leave 🍃 town and go to a different town. you 🤟 could make a religion 🔯 out 😜 of this, and maybe conquer the world 🗺🌍 as well.

the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, ➕ there's new kingdoms 🇬🇧 all over 🌄 europe. i 😀 wonder if there's room 🧖‍♀️ for moors.

here's 📌 all the wisdom. in a house. 🚪 it's the baghdad house 🏡 of wisdom! just in time 🕟 for the islamic golden age!

"let's bring stuff 🥙 to the coast 🇨🇮 and sell it, 🚮 and become the swahili on the swahili coast," 🇨🇮 said the swahili on the swahili coast. 🇨🇮

remember this tiny space 🌕 you 😊 have 🈶 to go through to get 🉐 from here 🈁 to there? someone owns that now.

wanna get 🉐 enlightened in the middle 🖕🖕🖕 of nowhere?

the franks have 🈶 the biggest kingdom 🇬🇧 in europe, and the pope is so 🆘 proud 😤 that he 💁‍♂️ invites the king 👑 over 🌄 for christmas. 🎄 "surprise! 🤭 you're the new 🇳🇨 roman emporer!" said the pope, pretending to still be part 〽️ of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom 🇬🇧 into what 😦 will later 🕡🕗 be called france 🇫🇷 and not-france. 🚯

the northerners, er, just "norse" if you 😀 don't have 🈶 much time, 🕔 are 👉 exploring. they 💁 go north, 🇰🇵 from the north 🇰🇵 to the northern 🇬🇧 north. 🇰🇵 and they 💁 find 🔍 some land— two 👬 types ⌨ of land!— and they 💁 name 📛 them accordingly.

prankd

they 💁 also invade some other places 🏆 and get 🉐 called many names, 📛 such as "vikings."

there's the rus! the kievan rus! are 👉 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 vikings? "i 😊 don't think 🗯 so," 🆘 said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.

the pope is ready to make some more ➕ emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it's actually germany, but don't worry about it. 🚮 new 🇳🇨 kingdoms—

CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!

which brand ™️ would you 😀 like? 💖

"mine's better"

"mine's better"

"mine's better"

"time 🕥 to conquer england," 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿💷 said william.

it's a bird! 🐥 it's a plane! 👨‍✈️ it's the seljuk turks!

"aah!" said the byzantine empire, who's getting 🉐 so 🆘 small 🌤 and almost doesn't exist anymore. "we 🌿 need help!" 🆘 they 💁 need help! 🆘 so 🆘 they 💁 call 🤙 the pope.

"hey pope, can you 😊🤟 help 🆘 us get 🉐🉐🉐 rid of the seljuks? maybe take back ↩️ the holy land 🛫 on the way? 🌌 come on, i 😀 know you 😊 want to take back 🤚 the holy land." 🛫

"yes, ☑️ i 😊 do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade."

crusade!

they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 did many crusades. some of which almost didn't fail. 💩 but at least the italians 🍝 got some sweet 🍪 trade deals.

goodbye 👋👋👋 mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye 👋 toltecs. hello mississippi! look 👁 at those mounds.

there's the pueblo. i 😊 always wondered how to build 🏨🏛🏨🏛🏨🏛 a town in a cliff.

guess who's here? 📍 khmer. where? here! 📌 and pagan is there. vietnam 🇻🇳 unconquered itself, korea 🇰🇷 just became itself, and japan 🍥 is so 🆘 addicted to art 🎭 that the military 🎖 might have 🈶 to take over 🌄🤬 the government.

china 🍚 just invented bombs, 💣 and typing. ⌨⌨⌨ and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i 😀 bet 🎰 that will last 🌗 a long time. 🕤

some of the islamic 🇮🇷 turks 🇹🇨 were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they 💁 were busy invading india. 🇮🇳

is it 🚮 tonga 🇹🇴 time? 🕛 i 😊 think 🤔 it's tonga 🇹🇴 time. 🕚

i 😀 just figured out 😛 where the swahili gets 🉐 all of their gold.

look 👁 at this chad! 🇹🇩 it 🚮 means 😏 "lake." there's an empire there! right 👉 in the middle 🖕 of africa!

the king 🤴 of mali 🇲🇱 is so 🆘 rich, 🤑 he's 💁‍♂️💁‍♂️💁‍♂️ going on tour to let everyone know. "wow, ❗ that guy's 👷 rich," 🤑 everyone said.

the christians are 👉 doing a great 🇬🇧 job 💼 reconquering iberia, which will soon 🔜 be called spain 🇪🇸 and not-spain. 🚯 please 🙏 remain christian. we 🌿 will check ☑️ in later 🕣 to see 👀🙈 if you're still christian when you ���😊 least expect.

whoops, 🤭 half of europe just died.

ming! china's 🍚 back, 🔙⬅️ yay! 👏

hey, khmer. time 🕔🕔🕔 to share. new 🌑 kingdoms, 🇬🇧 here 🈁 and there.

oh, look 👀 who controls 🛂 all of the islands. 🇫🇴 it's the mahajapit.

majahapit.

mapajahit.

mahapajit.

mapajahit.

ma-ja-pa-hit? 👊

oh, italy's 🇮🇹 real rich. 🤑 time 🕡 for them to care 💅 a lot about art 🥋🖌🎭 and the ancient 📜 classics. it's kinda like 👍 a rebirth.

here's 🈁 a printer. 🖨 let's make books! 📙📕

so 🆘 you 😀😀😀 think 🗯 you 😀 can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. 🇹🇨 nice job, 💼 ottoman turks. 🇹🇨 oops, 😣 you 🤟 missed a spot. 🦒 don't forget to ban ✋ europe from the indian 🍛 spice trade.

"what? 😦 that's bullshit," said portugal, 🇵🇹 spiceless.

"well i 😊 guess we'll have 🈶 to find 🔎 another way 🌌 to india"

"wait!" 🚏 said christopher columbus, probably smoking 🚬 crack. "if the world 🌏 is round, ⚪ let's go this way 🌌 to india." 🇮🇳

"nah, don't worry, we 🌿 already got this," said portugal. 🇵🇹

so 🆘 chris goes to spain. 🇪🇸 "hey spain, 🇪🇸 wanna hire me to find 🔍 india 🇮🇳 by going around back 🔙 of the world?" 🌐

"no" 😶

"please?" 🙏

"no" 📵

"please?" 🙏

"wtf"

"no" ⛔

"please?" 🙏

"...okay"

so 🆘 he 💁‍♂️ sails into the ocean, 🐬 and discovers... more ➕ ocean. 🏄🦐 and then discovers the indies, and japan! 🗾🎑 let's draw 📏 a line 〰️ to decide who gets 🉐 which half of the world. 🌐

the aztec and the inca empires are 👉 off 📴 to a great 🇬🇧 start. 🆕 i 😊 wonder if they 💁 know that europe just discovered their continent.

the hapsburgs are 👉 marrying into so 🆘 many royal 👸 families, they 💁 might have 🈶 to start 🆕 marrying each other.

move over, 🤬 lithuania, 🇱🇹 here 🈁 comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great 🇬🇧 again.

move over, 🌄 timurids, maybe go invade india 🇮🇳 or something. persia just made persia persian again.

let's make it 🚮 the other kind of islam. 🕌☪ the one 🔂 where we 🌿 thought 💭 the first 🥇🌛 guy 💂👱 should've been the other guy. 👷

hey, christians! do you 😊🤟 sin? now you 🤟🤟🤟 can buy 🛍 your way ↕️ out 😜😛 of hell!

"that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. ⛪ here's 📌 95 reasons why," said martin luther, in his 🐍 new 🆕 book 📘 which might have 🈶 accidentally started the protestant reformation.

"you 🤟 know what 😦 would be magnificent?" said suleiman wearing an onion hat. 🤠 "what 😦 if the ottoman empire was... really big?" which it 🚮🚮🚮 is now.

"what 😦 if russia was big?" said ivan, trying not 🚯 to be terrible.

portugal 🇵🇹 had a dream 💭 that they 💁💁💁 controlled the entire indian 🇮🇴 ocean, 🌊 including the spice trade. and then that dream 💭 was real.

and spain 🇪🇸 realized that this is not 🚯 india, 🇮🇳 but they 💁 pillaged it 🚮 anyway. "damn," said england 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 and france. 🇫🇷 "we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 gotta start 🆕 pillaging some stuff." 🥙 then the dutch 🇸🇽 revolt, and all the hipsters 🚴 moved to amsterdam. "damn," said amsterdam. "we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 gotta start 🆕 pillaging some stuff." 🥙

question ❔ one: 🔂 can you 🤟 get 🉐 to india 🇮🇳🇮🇳🇮🇳 from north 🇰🇵 america? 🇺🇸 no, 🙈 but at least there's beaver.

question ❓ two: 👭 steal the spice trade. that's not 🚯 a question, ❔ but the dutch 🇸🇽 did it 🚮 anyway.

and sugar... guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! 🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷 stolen! in the caribbean! 🇧🇶 and it's so 🆘 goddamn profitable, you 😊😀 might forget to not 🚯🚯🚯 do slavery.

the next ➡️ thing on russia's to-do list is to get 🉐 bigger.

britain 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 and france 🇫🇷 are 👉 having 🈶 a friendly discussion about who should control 🛂 the entire world. 🌐 more ➕ specifically, ohio. then it 🚮 escalates into a seven-year 7️⃣ discussion, giving prussia a chance to show 📺 austria 🇦🇹🇦🇹🇦🇹 who's boss. but what 😦 about britain 🇬🇧 and france, 🇫🇷 did they 💁 figure out 😛 who's boss? yes ✔️ they 💁💁💁 did! it's britain. 🇬🇧

guess who's broke? also britain! 🇬🇧 so 🆘 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 start 🆕 taxing the hell out 😜 of america. 🌎 "fuck you!" 😊 says 🗣 america, 🇺🇸 declaring their independence and fighting 🥊 for it, 🚮 and france 🇫🇷 helps 🆘 them win. 🏆 now france 🇫🇷 is broke, and britain 🇬🇧 will have 🈶🈶🈶 to send their prisoners to a different continent.

wait, 🚏 if france 🇫🇷 is broke, why do the king 🤴 and queen 👸 still wear such fancy 💠 dresses?

"let's overthrow the palace and cut ✂️ all their heads 🤕 off!" 📴 said robespierre, cutting 🈹🥩🈹🥩🈹🥩 everybody's heads 💆 off 📴 until someone eventually got mad 💢 and cut ✂️ his 🐍 head 💆 off. 📴

you 😀 could make a rel— no, 🙉 don't.

haiti 🇭🇹 is starting 🔯 to like 💖 the idea 💡 of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free 🆓 themselves by killing their masters. "why didn't we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 think 🤔🗯 of this before?"

wait, 🚏 who's in charge of france 🇫🇷 now? "me," said napoleon, trying to take over 🤬🤭 europe. luckily, they 💁 banished him to an island. 🇲🇵 but he came back! luckily, they 💁 banished him to another island. 🇻🇬

there goes latin ✝ america, 🌎 becoming independent in the latin ✝ american 🗽 wars of independence.

britain 🇬🇧 just figured out 😜 how to turn steam 🚂 into power, 🔌 so 🆘 now they 💁 can make many different types ⌨ of machines 🎰 and factories with machines 🤖 in them so 🆘 they 💁 can make a lot of products real fast. then they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 invent some trains. 🚋 and conquer india 🇮🇳 and maybe put 🚮 some trains 🚂 there.

"hey, china!" 🇨🇳 said britain. 🇬🇧 "buy 🛍 stuff 🥙 from us!" "nah, dude, we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 already got everything," says 🗣 china. 🍚 so 🆘 britain 🇬🇧 tried to get 🉐 them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china 🍚 made it 🚮 illegal and dumped it 🚮 all into the sea. 🐙 so 🆘 britain 🇬🇧🇬🇧🇬🇧 threw a hissy fit and made them open 😮 up five 5️⃣ cities and give them an island. 🇹🇨

britain 🇬🇧 and russia are 👉 playing 👾 a game 🎴 where they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 try to stop 🚫🚫🚫 the other person 👱‍♀️ from conquering afghanistan. 🇦🇫

also, the sultan of oman 🇴🇲 lives in zanzibar now: "that's just where he 💁‍♂️ lives."

india 🇮🇳 just had a revolution, and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 would like 😚 to govern themselves now. "nope," 🙅 said britain, 🇬🇧 governing them even 🌜🌛 harder than before.

incoming telegram: HI I 😊 JUST SENT YOU 😀😊 A MESSAGE 🗨 THRU A WIRE

technology is about to go crazy!

the united 🇺🇳 states 🇺🇸 finally figured out 😜 whether slavery is good 🉑 or bad. 🦹‍♂️ it's bad, 📉🦹‍♂️ they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 decided, and then they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill 🚬 the rest 🛌😪🛌😪🛌😪 of the natives and take their land 🛫 and maybe kick 🦶🛴 out 😝😜 the mexicans 🌮 too.

"i 😀 know! let's rape africa!" 🇿🇦🇿🇦🇿🇦 said europe, scrambling to see 🙈 who could rape it 🚮 the fastest. they never got ethiopia...

britain 🇬🇧 and france 🇫🇷 are 👉 still hungry. they never got thailand...

the united states 🇺🇸 ran out 🥺 of destiny to manifest, so 🆘 they're looking 🚺👀 for more: ➕

hawaii!

cuba!

wait, 🚏 spain 🇪🇸 controls 🛂 cuba. 🇨🇺

well, blame something on them and go to war! what 😦😦😦 should we 🌿 blame on spain? 🇪🇸

u.s.s. maine sinks

"let's blame the maine on spain." 🇪🇸

so 🆘 they 💁💁💁 blame the maine on spain. 🇪🇸

now we're in business. 📉

to celebrate, 🥂 they 💁 kick 🦵 panama 🇵🇦 out 😛😜 of panama 🇵🇦 and make a canal, connecting the two ✌✌✌ oceans. 🐙🏄

britain 🇬🇧 just found oil 🛢 in the middle 🖕 east. 🌏 it makes cars 🚐 go...

china 🍚 is so 🆘 tired 😴 of being bossed around that they 💁 delete ❌ their old 👴 government and make a new, 🇳🇨 stronger 💪 government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy 💂 from the previous ⬅️ government.

europe hasn't had a war since the last 🌜 war, so 🆘 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 start 🆕 world 🌎 war one. 1️⃣ look 👀 at those guns! 🔫 it's gonna be a great 🇬🇧 war, so 🆘 great 🇬🇧 we 🌿 won't need a second 🥈 one. 1️⃣ after it's over, 🤬 they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 blame germany.

russia went on strike, and the workers 👨‍🏭 overthrew the government. now, everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union...

the arabs 🇸🇾 revolt and britain 🇬🇧 helps. 🆘 now the ottoman empire is gone, so 🆘 we 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 can give the jewish people 👭 a place 🚮 to live. hopefully the arabs 👳‍♀️ won't mind. 🤯

"let's cut ✂️ the cake!" 🥮 said sykes and picot, carving 🏎 up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire. 🚯

except turkey! 🦃 turkey 🦃 makes a brand ™️ new 🇵🇬🇵🇬🇵🇬 turkey!

and then the saudis 🇸🇦 conquer arabia. 🇸🇦 it 🚮 just seemed like 🥰 the right ▶️ thing to do.

phone rings

hello? 👋 yes, 🆗 it's the 1920's calling. 🤙 let's get 🉐 to a car 🏎 and drive to a party 🍕 and listen 👂 to jazz 🎷 on the radio 📻📻📻 and go to the movies. 🎥 the economy is great 🇬🇧 and it 🚮 will probably be great 🇬🇧 forever. ♾ just kidding.

germany's back, 🤚 featuring hitler, 👊 the angry 👿😡 mustache 👨 model, and he's 💁‍♂️ mad 😡 at the jews for existing.

japan ⛩ is finally conquering the east, 🌏 and they're so 🆘 excited, they 💁 rape nanking way 🌌 too hard. they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 should probably just deny ❎ it. 🚮

hitler's out 😝 of control, 🎛 so 🆘 the international 🌍🌐 community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad 🦹‍♀️ idea. 💡 but he 💁‍♂️ kills 🚬 himself because they 💁 could explain it 🚮 to him. that's world 🌐 war two!

bonus round! 🔃 pacific showdown

united states 🇺🇸 vs. japan 🇯🇵

FIGHT!!

united states 🇫🇲 drops 💦 two 👬👬👬 extinction balls 🥎🎾 on japan

FINISH HIM!

let's unite all the nations 🇸🇿 and have 🈶 some world peace! seems legit.

"hi, im gandhi, and if britain 🇬🇧 doesn't get 🉐 the hell out 😛😝 of india, 🇮🇳 i'm going to starve myself in public." 🚅🚉🚅🚉🚅🚉

britain leaves

"wow, 😮❗ that worked?"

bonus! now there's pakistan. 🇵🇰 actually two 2️⃣ pakistans, 🇵🇰 one 1️⃣ of them can be bangladesh 🇧🇩 later. 🕧🕧🕧

the jews and the arabs 🇸🇾 finally figured out 😝😜 which one 1️⃣ of them should live in the holy land. 🛫 "me!" they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 both said at the same time. ⌛🕗 let's divide ➗➗➗ up the lands so 🆘 we're both happy. 😺 SIKE! they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 both get 🉐 angrier!

look 👁 out, 😛 china! 🍚 there's a new 🇳🇿 china 🇨🇳 in china. 🇨🇳 what's 😦 on the menu? communism! no 🔕 thanks, 🙌 said the other china, 🇨🇳 escaping to an island. 🇲🇵 i 😀 wonder which one 1️⃣ is the real china...?

there's the korean war. korea 🇰🇷 versus korea! 🇰🇷 nobody wins, 🏆 then its 🚮 on pause ⏸ forever. ♾

let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two 👬 global superpowers. 🦸‍♀️🦸‍♂️ they're having 🈶 a friendly debate over 🤭 which economic 📉 system is good ✨❇️ and which one 🔂 is an evil 🙉🐍 virus of satan. and they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 both have 🈶 atom ⚛ bombs. 💥 FIGHT!! wait, 🚏 no, 📭🙅 that would be the end 🔚 of the world. 🌎 let's just keep it 🚮 cool 👍🕶 and spy 🕵️‍♀️ on each other instead. and make sure we 🌿 have 🈶 enough atom ⚛ bombs. 💣

"i'll race 🚵‍♀️🏍 you 🤟 to space." 🌕👨‍🚀

united states 🇺🇸 plants 🎍 a flag 🇸🇧 on the moon

now let's make more ➕ countries fight 🥊 themselves.

europe is tired 😴 of pillaging other continents, and the continents they 💁 were pillaging are 👉 tired 😪💤 of being pillaged. so 🆘 here's 📍 a new 🇵🇬 map 📍 with new 🇳🇨 countries. now you 😊🤟 can't tell 🗣 who they're being pillaged by.

the united 🇺🇳🇦🇪 states 🇺🇸 finally decided whether racism is good 🆗 or bad. 🦹‍♂️ they 💁 decided it's bad, 〽️ and the world 🌎 agrees. ☑️ south 🇿🇦 africa 🇿🇦 might need another minute to think 🗯 about it. 🚮

let's check ✔️☑️ the world 🌍 population!

woah. okay. 👌

technology 📱 is better 🎰 too, that might keep happening.

the soviet union 🇪🇺 decides to relax ☺️ a little, and accidentally falls ⛅ apart.

europe makes a union, 🇪🇺 so 🆘 now they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 can all use the same money. 💸 except britain, 🇬🇧 because they 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 don't feel like 💜 it. 🚮

let's check ☑️ the mail... surprise! ❕😮 it's on the computer! 🤖

whoops, 🤭 someone just attacked america. 🇺🇸 i 😀 bet 🎰 they'll remember that.

phone 🤳 call! 📲 surprise! ❗🤨 it's in your pocket! wanna learn 📖 everything? surprise! ❕🤭 it's on the computer! 🖱 now your phone's 📳 a computer, 🖱 which is in your pocket!

whoops, 🤭 the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks 🏧 won't fail, 💩 because they're not 🚯 supposed to.

surprise!... flying 🚁 robots. 🤖 with bombs. 💣

wanna print 🐾 a brain? 🧠

some people 👨‍👧‍👧👬 have 🈶 no ❌ friends. 🐕 some people 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 have 🈶 no 🙈 food. 🌶🥩 the globe 🌏 is warming, ♨️ and the ocean 🦑 is full 🌝 of plastic!

"let's save 🔖🔖🔖 the planet!" 🌕🌔 said everybody, not 🚯 knowing how.

"let's invent a thing inventor," said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. 😎

by the way, 🌌 where the hell are 👉 we? 🤔🤔🤔

thanks for watching ⌚👁 history

i hope 🙏 i 😀 mentioned everything

Submitted August 26, 2020 at 08:16PM by THEAppleMan_ via reddit https://ift.tt/3lm58gP

[dawnajaynes32]

OK Tarot: The Latest from Adam J. Kurtz

Need a distraction from the constant barrage of negative news at your finger tips daily? Looking for a way to bring more self-reflection into your life? Or maybe you just really need a new hobby? Adam J. Kurtz might have a suggestion—and if you’ve ever met him, or even just seen his Instagram, you know he gives sound advice.

Enter ADAMJK’s latest Kickstarter: OK Tarot—a perfectly pink set of tarot cards with all 78 major and minor arcana “as understood and interpreted by artist Adam J. Kurtz.” HOW had the chance to chat with Kurtz about the new project.

So, why a tarot deck?

Tarot is something that’s newer to my life, but beloved by people around me, including my husband. This deck actually started as a gift idea for him, something he could incorporate into his growing pile of books and decks (because you can never have too many decks).

But, and he and I have talked about this, tarot and astrology are huge trends right now. I think it comes down to a kind of spirituality that is missing in a lot of people’s lives. The world seems to be getting worse (mostly we’re just hearing about more injustices in real-time thanks to the internet—and it’s important that we be informed). People are looking for new ways to feel connected to that sort of intangible magic energy that makes being alive so special.

Did you work with any tarot pros during your creative process?

I consulted Mitchell’s books, especially Rachel Pollack’s Tarot Wisdom, which I had been previously ignoring on his nightstand for like probably two years. But I also reached out to my own networks. Facebook was a huge tool for me, and the members of my private “support group” proved invaluable. I was able to receive design feedback from an audience of people who both understand my whole deal and care deeply about the tarot.

Tell me about translating all of the typically detailed images of tarot into your classic style. Were there any challenges?

One amazing thing about tarot is the tremendous variance in decks. The most well-known might be the Rider Waite deck, which is richly detailed and layered with tons of meaning and symbolism. But it’s also chock-full of white dudes and religion (despite being illustrated by a woman, Pamela Colman Smith, who was hired by Arthur Edward Waite).

My primary goal was to strip that out so that the experience of using OK Tarot could be a personal one, devoid of the knee-jerk reaction and sentiment of these existing depictions. In some ways it resembles a Lenormand-style tarot, which is much more icon-driven.

Click to enlarge

Any significance to the color pink?

IT’S FUCKING CUTE AS HELL!!!!!!!!!! I just wanted to make something that could be fun to use and look cool sitting out. So many people I know have created these like, mini-shrines to self-care in their homes, whether it’s the top of a dresser, or a small corner of a vanity or desk. My husband Mitchell keeps all his colognes and moisturizers and shit on my dresser—his is reserved for incense, palo santo, a few crystals, and a bunch of plants. It’s a small space that allows us both to sort of check in each day and set our intention.

Do you have a favorite card based on the illustration? What about based on meaning?

My favorite card is The Fool (a sort of bookend to the major arcana that’s regarded as both #0 and #22 in the tarot). Before learning about the tarot, I didn’t really understand what this card was about. As I learned, I understood that The Fool is each of us, embarking on a journey through life as told through the cards. My own interpretation borrows a dunce cap—the classic uniform/punishment for idiots—and reimagines what ignorance can actually be. In my own life, I find that a certain amount of ignorance can be the key to self-preservation. We are inundated with information at a volume that can be debilitating. Sometimes I find that not-knowing everything can be the only way to get up in the morning.

The flower represents an admiration of beauty in the world, a foolish pursuit if it’s all one looks for, but also a wonderful quality. Stopping to smell the roses and appreciate the small things is one of the surest ways to find happiness in life.

Have you been getting good readings with the cards?

The very first reading with this deck was done on camera by Kelsey Anderson, of AmunarHealing. She’s a Brooklyn-based Spiritual Counselor, Lenormand Tarot and Palm Reader who had previously read Mitchell’s cards. Her reading is available to watch on the Kickstarter page, and really speaks to my own creative journey in making this deck. The initial idea, the doubt that kept me from executing it for TWO YEARS, and then the eventual continuation to trust my strengths and inspiration. If you have five minutes, it’s a really encouraging reading that speaks to a lot of us as artists and designers.

I have no idea how to read tarot. I had a deck that came with a tiny instructions booklet, but that didn’t help much. Any tips for getting started?

I find that the tiny instruction booklets that many decks come with are a nice little addition, but barely enough to go on. For this reason, the OK Tarot deck doesn’t even come with one. Instead I’m encouraging people to look to some amazing resourcest that already exist, from free guides on sites like Biddy Tarot, to incredible books such as Rachel Pollock’s (that I used for research), or the newer Modern Tarot by writer Michelle Tea.

Part of what I think can be so special is the solo journey of not just reading cards but also learning how to read, finding the deeper meanings, and spending time. It’s a process that invites us to sit down in a quiet space, without our phones, to learn something new every time. Learning new things daily is an important step in battling depressive tendencies and it’s also just exciting to be excited about things! A win-win.

Where can HOW readers grab their own OK Tarot deck?

The OK Tarot deck is available for pre-order on Kickstarter for $25, or in two other combinations with bonuses for those who want extras. It’s a great gift for someone who loves tarot already, but also for your one friend who you wish would GET INTO IT ALREADY.

Your Kickstarters have done really well. Any tips for illustrators looking to crowdfund their own projects?

I really identify as a designer first, and an illustrator second. Or third. Or not at all. As designers, we understand that you can’t start a project until you’ve considered the final product. We know that form must follow function. But often with illustration it can be a more expressive process first. I see a lot of illustrators who are brilliant artists but struggle with how to apply or produce work from that art.

When you launch a Kickstarter project, you’re asking strangers to not just trust that the product will be worth paying and waiting for, but also that you personally are trustworthy and will deliver. Kickstarter as a company doesn’t (and can’t) personally manage creators to ensure they meet their promises. So a simple campaign with clear objectives, detailed documentation, and true transparency is important.

I wrote a guide for the Kickstarter blog a few years ago that boils down everything I know into simple steps (and includes a printable zine version you can make and refer back to in your process). I also strongly encourage people to browse the website, look at other successful projects, and BACK OTHER CREATORS before launching. Kickstarter’s community of users love to dig through the website to find new stuff they can’t buy anywhere else. But when you see that a project creator has backed zero projects, that’s a red flag. It’s hard to show up brand new in a community and then ask for money.

What’s next for you? What’s definitely not next for you?

I’m currently working on my Unsolicited Advice planner for 2019 which will be out sometime in August—still self-published after 8 years! This year I’m switching up the format, the content, and the production process so it’s going to be less expensive and more accessible to people, especially internationally. I’m also quietly working on some other little bits and pieces, generally trying to take things slow and figure out who I want to be as I enter my 30s in October. No big deal!!!!!

What’s not next for me is a new “real” book with my publisher. Though I love working with Penguin Random House, I’m proud of the three books I’ve made, and feel like they deserve a chance to live on their own and find new audiences. I was supposed to have pitched a new concept in April 2017 and didn’t. I still haven’t. I think it’s really important as creatives to take stock of who were are, what we have to say, and who we want to be. If you aren’t sure, then you can’t confidently create and stand by your art.

Any speaking engagements or events coming up that you’d like to promote?

Speaking is becoming one of my favorite things! It was so weird to watch my own 99U lecture, Perfect Isn’t Better, and realize just how much I’ve made, done, and learned over the course of my 20s. My work has always been about the creative process and self-discovery, and speaking feels like such a natural, more immediate evolution of that. Also it’s fucking FUN. I’ll be a speaker and vendor at both Adobe MAX (Los Angeles) and Creative Works Conference (Memphis) this October.

The post OK Tarot: The Latest from Adam J. Kurtz appeared first on HOW Design.

OK Tarot: The Latest from Adam J. Kurtz syndicated post

[gummybear1154-blog]

hi. you're on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it's water. fuck it, actually most of it's water. i can't even get from here to there without buying a boat. it's sad. i'm sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn't happen. nothing was never anywhere. that's why it's been everywhere. it's been so everywhere you don't need a where. you don't even need a when. that's how every it gets. forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it's possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don't know when to start. and that's exactly where it started. whoah, i paused it. i think there's a universe now. what's it made of? quarks & stuff ah, that's a thing. in a place. don't like it? try a new place. at a different time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger. and emptier. but it's not empty yet. it's still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. great news! the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't cause it's still too HOT great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other. and some of them even doubled up. great news, the electrons have now joined in congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it's getting closer together. and it's getting closer together. and it's getting closer toge- it's a star new shit just got made! some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit. space dust which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of made a mess. which is now the moon weather update: it's raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there's hot steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: it's raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that's land! there's life in the ocean what? something's alive in the ocean oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no, a microscopic speck. it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that's pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight! using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food taste the sun side effect: now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky's blue. then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times. it's a sponge. it's a plant. it's a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it's the Cambrian explosion "wow, that's animals and stuff" but we're still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land? no why? the sun is a deadly lazer oh okay. not anymore, there's a blanket now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let's go on land! nope, can't walk yet. and there's no food yet, so i don't care. ok, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here? maybe, said some bugs, and fish. ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies learn to use an egg. i was already doing that. use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean and now everything's huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. oh fuck, now everything's dead. just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because it's about to become the dinosaurs. here's another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don't worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone it's mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they're gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks. "ouch" and set things on fire. "yeouch" and make crazy sounds with their voice. "gneurshk" which can mean different things. that's a human person and now they're everywhere. almost. ice age what, you can walk over here? cool. not anymore well i guess we're stuck here now. let's review. there's people on the planet. and they're chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this. i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let's all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it's underground. better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers. and the animals are helping. guess what happens next more food. and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there's more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there's business, money, writing, laws, power. Society coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing Bronze made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. also, guess what? egypt meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we're getting somewhere. also china and did i mention indus river valley civilization norte chico the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it's in the middle of the east. knock knock, er, clop clop. it's the people with the horses. and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks. let's check in with the indus river valley civilization. they're gone. guess who's not gone? china new arrivals in india, maybe it's those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff you could make a religion out of this. there's the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it's the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in God just 1 though, he's got like a ten step program. here's some huge heads. must be the olmecs. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it's the babylonian- median- it's the Persian Empire "wow, that's big" ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who's the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it's a great idea. he was great. and now he's dead. hopefully the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it's chandragupta, he says get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks, bye time to conquer all of india or most of india but what about this part? that's the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably and they've got spices who would like to buy the spices? me, said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let's check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms. greekification overload! bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place. heyyyyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. thanks for invading our homeland, said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. hi, everything's great, said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world or you can get there on water sick! new trade routes! said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism traveling up the silk road. i wonder if it'll reach china before it collapses again. remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let's do it together. china is whole again then it broke again still can't cross the sahara desert? try camels. hell yeah! now we've got business said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves hi, i live in the roman empire, and i was wondering is loving jesus legal yet? no. actually, ok, sure, said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival don't worry about rome, it won't fall. it's the golden age of india there's the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first. guess who's in rome? barbarians what's a barbarian? non-romans, said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p., roman empire, er, actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it's not in rome anymore so let's give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the stars oh and here's a huge city, population: everyone the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how's india? broken. how's china? back together how's those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there's more of them korea has 3 kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it's the sunrise kingdom. deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammed's ear. so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there's new kingdoms all over europe i wonder if there's room for moors. here's all the wisdom. in a house. it's the baghdad house of wisdom. just in time for the islamic golden age let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast, said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. surprise! you're the new roman emperor, said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. but the northerners, or just norse if you don't have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land. two types of land. and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places, and get called many names, such as vikings. there's the rus. the kievan rus. are they vikings? i don't think so, said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors. of the "roman empire". the holy roman empire. it's actually germany but don't worry about it. new kingdoms. christianize all the kingdoms which brand would you like? mine's better. mine's better. mine's better. time to conquer england, said william. it's a bird, it's a plane it's the seljuk turks aah! said the byzantine empire who's getting so small and almost doesn't exist anymore. we need help! they need help, so they call the pope. hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land. yes, i do actually want to do that. let's do a crusade. crusade they did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi look at those mounds. there's the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who's here? khmer. where? here. and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, Genghis! i bet that will last a long time. some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it's tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad. means "lake". there's an empire there. right in the middle of Africa the king of mali is so rich he's going on tour to let everyone know. wow, that guy's rich, everyone said. the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you're still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming china's back, yay! hey khmer, time to share. new kingdoms here and there. oh, look who controls all the islands. it's the mahajapit. majahapit. mapajahit. mahapajit. mapajahit. majapahit? oh, italy's really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it's kinda like a rebirth. here's a printer. let's make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot. don't forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. what? that's bullshit, said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we'll have to find another way to india wait! said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. if the world is round, let's go this way to india. nah, don't worry, we already got this, said portugal. so chris goes to spain. hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world? no. please? no. please? no. please? ok. so he sails into the ocean. and discovers more ocean. and then discovers the indies. and japan. let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent? the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let's make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy. hey christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. that's bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that's a scam. fuck the church. here's 95 reasons why, said martin luther, in his new book, which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. you know what would be magnificent, said suleiman, wearing an onion hat? what if the ottoman empire was really big? which it is now. what if russia was big? said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real. and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. damn, said england and france. we gotta start pillaging some stuff. then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. damn, said amsterdam. we gotta start pillaging some stuff. question 1: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there's beaver. question 2: steal the spice trade. that's not a question, but the dutch did it anyway. sugar guess where all the sugar's made? in brazil. stolen and the caribbean. and it's so god damn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia's to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who's boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who's boss? yes they did. it's britain. guess who's broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america. fuck you, says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. and france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain'll have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off! said robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no, don't. haiti is staring to like the idea of a revolution. especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. why didn't we think of this before? wait, who's in charge of france now? me said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power. so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. hey, china! said britain. buy stuff from us! nah dude, we already got everything, says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium. which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit, and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afghanistan. also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now "that's just where he lives" india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. nope, said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it's bad, they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too. i know, let's rape africa, said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more. hawaii cuba wait, spain controls cuba. well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain? let's blame the maine on spain. so they blame the maine on spain. now we're in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn't had a war since the last war. so they start world war 1. look at those guns. it's gonna be a great war. so great we won't need a second one. after it's over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone's paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire's gone so we can give the jewish people a place to live hopefully the arabs won't mind. let's cut the cake, said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it's the 1920's calling. let's get in the car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy's great and it'll probably be great forever, just kidding. germany's back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. and he's mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they're so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler's out of control. so the international community tackles him and then tries to explain why killing all the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that's world war 2 bonus round! pacific showdown. united states vs. japan. fight! finish him let's unite all the nations and have some world peace seems legit. hi, i'm gandhi, and if britain doesn't get the hell out of india, i'm gonna starve myself in public. wow, that worked? bonus, now there's pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. me, they both said at the same time. let's divide up the land so everyone's happy. sike, they both get angrier look out china, there's a new china in china. what's on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china? there's the korean war, korea versus korea. nobody wins, then it's on pause forever. let's meet the sponsors. oh, it's the two global superpowers. they're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good, and which one is an evil virus of Satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. i'll race you to space. now let's make some more countries fight themselves. europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here's a new map, with new countries. now you can't tell who they're being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it's bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let's check the world population. whoa. okay. technology's better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money, except britain, because they don't feel like it. let's check the mail. surprise, it's on the computer. whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they'll remember that. phone call. surprise, it's in your pocket. wanna learn everything? surprise, it's on the computer. now your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to. surprise! flying robots. with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming and the ocean is full of plastic let's save the planet! said everybody, not knowing how. let's invent a thing inventor, said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that's pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we? FIN