#or engaging in fandom stuff will make me feel better and less lonely but i just feel so bad all the time and i can’t

[foggysirens]

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[petday]

I make fandom art I make porn I make stuff that makes me miserable and I make stuff that makes me happy and I follow all the advice online but still nobody likes my art. I know it's good art and im not insecure about my talent level but no matter what I post or where I post it, nobody wants to like or interact with my art at all. I know people see it I know people are scrolling past without acknowledging what I make and it fucking sucks. I don't have friends to share stuff I make with and nobody online cares clearly. What do you do when nobody likes you or what you offer.

Good question. This response involves some of my history. I try to talk about my experiences at a comfortable distance. But please skip to the 'Solutions' part if you're bored.

My thoughts below:

It's painful. I have a lot of memories of high intensity pain due to no one engaging with me, at school and online. 'If I live in the same world as others, but it still feels like I am in a world with just myself, what is the point of trying to make things? Sure, I will feel better about myself as I grow, but I've still got no one to grow with, so I am just talking to myself. Amusing myself is fine, but I want to reach a level of fun above amusement, a level that others seem to reach so naturally.' 

In fact, maybe you are less 'outward' with your emotions, but as a child and teenager and young adult, there was a lot of screaming and crying and thrashing about 'not being granted the ability to make things others will seriously engage with me about.' 

(The pain remained after making a few friends during teenage years. The pain's attitude shifted slightly to accommodate this new life change of gaining friends. Much later, even after I became an artist with a large visible number of 'followers/people interested in something you make', the pain shifted its shape around this life change again. "People make bad assumptions of me because I have a big visible number in my profile and most websites do not give me the ability to hide that number." Summary: If your pain/frustration still remains after you gain a friend or find people who engage you, don't beat yourself up. Emotions don't work in such a way that the outcomes you desire are only guaranteed to make you happy and no other emotions will rise.)

Although I loved to look at art on websites since I was a child, one may assume I enjoyed the community aspect. I did, but only as a spectator for the vast majority of the time, since age restrictions and the harsh attitudes that exist to 'prevent the weak from touching the strong' was present in many of the sites I visited. Similar to how children get frustrated when another child cannot keep up with their play, but the child that is 'left out' can still enjoy watching other kids play from afar. It makes perfect sense to me these feelings will always exist in the world no matter what 'social media' websites people invent.

Anyway, two solution attempts in succession I tried over long-term:

1. My first attempt at a solution was immersing myself in a fantasy world I created in my mind and I held my imagination in high esteem. "I know my imagination takes influence from the things I read and admire, so it's not such a lonely world anyway." Creating episode lists of imaginary cartoon episodes and such, so dedicated to something I hardly told anyone about. It felt good. But my friends had original characters too, and they could describe their personalities and dynamics to others naturally and quickly, likely due to their earlier experiences with 'communicating ideas to others.' I was quiet and envious. Although it was fun to play with the imaginary characters in my head, I decided to take another step. Of course I could not simply go back in time to gain the similar social experiences my friends had. But I could use that desire to 'go back in time' to 'go forward in time' and gain the experience.

2. Engage in others first. Because I spent a long time in my imagination, I felt more secure about myself, so I wanted to extend the feeling of 'caring about my own work' to 'caring about others' work on an equal level.' The internet allows you to assess people before engaging to see if your compatibility might be okay. If someone had posts that resonated with me, I tried to say 'hello, I like what you posted/I like your drawing because [...]' Even if the contact ended there, it was a good practice. Gently communicate with people over time. Especially since I am sure there are people who rarely receive questions about their artworks who would love someone to engage with them as well. Of course do not do this in a 'pity' sense – you have to genuinely find something that 'touches your heart' and if the artist seems to not get much curiosity in regards to their art, you can go ahead and try to express your curiosity to them. Keep posting whatever you like, but if you engage with others, you may find someone engaging with you without even expecting it, and that is fun.

(I think society should practice finding genuine value in things they like even if they see nobody has touched it. Not pity, but removing the "does anyone else like this? If I see no one else liking this, it must be a bad thing to like, so I won't engage" attitude. Some of my favourite artwork has maybe 5 visible 'bookmarks/favorites' on an art-focused website.)

[max1461]

Ok I've figured out one of the problems. For around a year I've felt something like "tumblr is kinda making me feel bad lately" but it's been hard to put my finger on why. Here is one reason:

I get more substantive engagement on here (e.g. people responding to me and sharing their own thoughts, agreeing or disagreeing, etc.) when I post about political/"discoursy" type stuff. I get markedly less substantive engagement when I post about anything else. Maybe this would be different if I was into fandoms, but I'm not. So the like, "hobby posts" I want to make are math stuff, linguistics stuff, musings on weird creatures, you know the drill. But the effort to social interaction ratio I get out of those posts is terrible, they're only good if I'm in the mood to pontificate to an audience without reciprocation.

On the other hand, obviously, if I post "isn't it annoying when blargists advocate for snorg when sneepflog would obviously be a better policy" I do numbers.

Now this is nobody's fault, I'm basically just complaining that the people on here don't share my hobbies, but like.

Well I guess that during the pandemic and subsequent period, when I was quite lonely and so on, I engaged in a lot of these discoursy topics both because I wanted social interaction and because (being new on here) I had novel things to say. So it didn't feel so bad. Now I have fewer genuinely novel posts of that sort to make, and the discourse feels tiring, but if I retire from it I also sacrifice a lot of that social interaction, which sucks. I mean I suppose I'm less lonely irl than I was in the pandemic so it's not so bad but like.

[6of575]

my goal is to try and make at least a post a day on here, even if its nothin very interesting to anybody else

i feel like,,, if i can finally successfully make it a habit to post and engage, it might just trick my brain from task avoidance

so! post done and heres the part for me thats fun:

(under a cut since its ramblin long)

the books im currently reading concurrently are some conlang construct books mr am got me that have been on my wishlist for ages, along with a very cool book about black holes and theories surrounding them, which mr am loaned to me from his collection

one of the things we share is a love of science and space, and more specifically, stars and time travel and all the things about our known universe that black holes straight up break

i have a lot of fun chatting with him; i really cant overstate the value of a friend so genuine, who i am never too much of, and i can talk about all my interests without the reflexive dread creeping on in

all that bullshit i learned growing up, yanno the kind: "im boring, im dumb, who could possibly enjoy swapping rock facts, much less listen to hours of it even when it our interests DONT align"

like, theres so much else about my friendship with him thats meaningful, but thats top tier right there

and lately? ive gotten a few others in my corner, who when i share, im starting to feel like that with them, too

its so weird! to have gone from one person to a tiny community of folks (and i mean little! its like,, five? six? of us max usually) that thrive on a love of the weird and the cringe and the stubborn hope

plenny others have waxed more eloquent than me about this sorta thing--how fandom spaces come sorta pre-fab with common, shared interests that its fans bring, and they build their fort and theres rules already laid out, and it becomes a second (sometimes first) home, of sorts

but when its starting from scratch, when its about stuff and is made by people that others just wouldnt ordinarily invest in or look at without outside prompting, thats not the same! its not a bad thing, more neutral, but its stressful, its really such a lonely feeling

except--when you finally find it, that person, and thats a community of its own, and it can grow, and suddenly you swappin stories, throwing jokes! and memes and links and hey inevitably, theres also those what ifs about your little guys

and everything is srs and sacred and everything is hilarious and "i cant believe this is real life" levels of stupid

you get to learn habits and quirks and whole personalities

"hey this reminded me of you" "hey, check out this view" "oh, thats right, yer the possum dude" "you love medieval lore--and i read this, and what do you think about it, too"

its suddenly kind of a fandom space after all, and its like, still work of course, reaching for and keeping more and being a person with, it aint that neat or pretty

but its got warmth and joy and expansion, after a lifetime of making yourself small enough to try and fit

you end up fans of your friends, fans of their life, hyping each other up and up and up about the most mundane shit and it starts to look like not even the skys the limit

planning things to do together, spending long hours into the night to parallel play with vidgames or watchin movies like time aint nothin thisll last forever, right? (it doesnt, always, but thats also part of this, and the ones that stay, the ones that work with you

those are the ones waking up to backread your chats like its the morning newspaper

and your life matters

like its better than the best hot goss, its saturday morning cartoons and their favour ice cream flavours

only now we adults and its also commiseratin over breakups and bills, and cross-country moves, and its celebrating that i saw chickens in the yard today and you finally got your boygirlthemsomethin gender fuckery juice)

idk idk idk

i feel some kinda way about all that

i never thought id make it so far that im nearly forty

never thought id get to ask "okay, well, now what? what do i wanna do, and try, and be?"

im... starting small i think, and im for reals happy, happier than i have been in years; i learned how to be alla my friends biggest fans, and im starting to finally believe

other people can feel that way about me

i just really think thats kinda neat

[wh0lemilk0vich]

Heya, so I'm going through a very rough time right now. I'm job hunting and either not having luck or just having really protracted interviews. I find it hard to fall asleep because of my anxiety and then I get anxiety about not sleeping, among other things. Frankly, I'm finding it really hard to connect with anon asks. They make me feel pretty lonely. And then because I haven't answered them and I'm not posting there's this vicious cycle of less interaction and engagement so that even when I do my dumb ADHD brain gets no immediate dopamine response. It makes complete sense, it's just increasingly isolating. For more context, I live alone in a studio apt, and basically all my friends are grad students finishing their MAs or writing their dissertations in a department I didn't get accepted into the PhD program for. I'm incredibly lonely and I have great friends on here but I hate not having anything to say to them or to talk about. I don't have anywhere to go, I don't have anything to do, and my fandom interests are shifting. I like stranger things well enough, but I don't really rewatch shows other than fantasy. I just like it more. Shameless has always stuck with me, but I feel way more engaged with the Witcher, LotR, the Hobbit, JRRs Legendarium, the Rings of Power, GoT, House of the Dragon, the Magicians, that stupid fucking terf's Wizarding World, the Earthsea Series, Discworld, American Gods, Stardust, etc. It can even be characters from other media crossing over in those settings. I'm just really depressed and listless and find myself caring less about things I enjoyed when I was happing and things were going better. I wish I could just be going to classes and dealing with that stress. In hindsight it's much easier to deal with. Feel free to dm me or ask for my discord and keep in touch if you want to talk about fandom stuff because I just don't know when I'm going to find the motivation to answer anons. It just doesn't feel fun or engaging anymore. Sorry to be a downer 😞

[storybookprincess]

hello Liv! sorry if this is a bit depressing but, it seems like you have a really wonderful group of supportive friends, and i was wondering if you had advice? i don't think i am the best at making or keeping friends... i'm insecure and second guess a lot of my relationships, and i just feel like as i become an adult, i have less opportunities to make friends... needless to say it feels a bit alienating and sad... :')

hello anon!!!!! i've been thinking about this ask since i saw it last night & have decided to subject you all to my utterly massive Definitive Guide on Making Friends. so here goes!!!!

part 1: self compassion

so often, we feel shame for struggling to make & keep friends, but shame is unfortunately the antonym of connection. shame is isolating & makes us feel unworthy, which seriously impedes our ability to connect with others. so here are a few things to put your mind at ease about struggling with friendships:

first, you are not even remotely alone in this experience. so many people feel the same awful loneliness & isolation you do. speaking for myself, i went through enormous lonely & friendless periods in my life. it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you--loneliness either has happened, is happening, or will happen to everyone.

second, social media in particular leads us to believe people have many more friends than they do. personally, there are maybe 6 or 7 non-family members or daily coworker that i am actually in somewhat regular contact with. all but one of them live at least 2 hours away from me. i think having 2 or 3 people in your life who you socialize with regularly & can rely on is enough to feel connected, so please know that most people do not have this enormous group of friends at all times.

and third, there is nothing wrong with you. there is nothing intrinsically unlovable about you. loneliness is a feeling you're experiencing--it's not a fixed personality trait. it's not an inevitability. and it's certainly not something you deserve. just keep telling yourself these things: loneliness happens to everyone. and yet we perceive others as far more connected than they actually are. and being lonely does not mean something is wrong with you.

part 2. okay, touchy-feely stuff is out of the way. how the hell do adults actually make friends?

the conventional wisdom surrounding making friends is that you should go to places where you'll regularly interact with the same people, like a class, club, or volunteer organization. and i do think this is true up to a point, but in my opinion, a far better way to make friends is to consistently engage in activities that bring you joy and/or meaning.

when we're doing something meaningful or genuinely fun, we're our truest selves. i know that sounds a bit hippy dippy, but i really do believe it. going to a book club you don't actually enjoy is not going to allow your true personality and strengths to come though. you're not going to be in a mindset to connect with others. you're just gonna feel weird & bored & disengaged. but joy and meaning are the boiling water in which the pasta of friendship starts to cook (i'm sleep deprived, so leave this dumb metaphor alone)

for me, this means engaging in fandom. i have so much fun in fandom that connecting with others is relatively natural. so think about what you really enjoy. it can be anything!! does sitting in independent coffee shops sipping coffee make you happy? do it consistently! does fandom make you happy? do it consistently! does going to the library & demolishing several volumes of manga in one sitting make you happy? do it consistently! and friendships will usually come eventually. eventually is a key word here, though, and brings us to point 3.

part 3: having patience & maintaining friendships

speaking from experience, a relationship that goes from strangers to best buddies in a week nearly always crashes & burns rather spectacularly. a true friendship builds over time, so try to resist the urge to form an inseparable bond with someone you just met. it may be you don't connect with anyone for months. and then it takes a few months for that connection to become a true friendship. yeah, it totally sucks that you might have to spend even longer feeling lonely when people are *right there*, but that's why you've got to have patience. keep engaging. don't give up. and don't suction cup onto the first person you make eye contact with.

as for growing & maintaining friendships, the key for me is to engage in regular communication. fortunately, texting has made this super super easy. send your friend a funny meme. tell them something wacky that happened at work. follow up & ask how that project they mentioned last week is going. a big part of the way i stay in touch with my friends is subjecting them to stories about bonkers stuff that happens at the library & sending cursed memes. of course we're there for each other in hard times. but mostly, we stay in touch in small regular ways. it takes effort to reach out to new people like this. it takes thought. it takes patience. and it takes a metric fuck ton of courage. but it's very much worth it. and to let you in on a secret, those people you're reaching out to are probably just as lonely as you are

i know i said this would be a definitive guide, but i actually have a lot more to say. unfortunately, however, i have like 15 min left of my lunch, so i should probably skedaddle. i hope this is helpful to you <3 hang in there & keep trying & please let me know how it goes. and feel free to dm me to chat about whatever!! i know i'm always open to new friends!!

[feysandfeels]

I gathered you read the chapter... how are we feeling, any thoughts you might want to share?

There I was, writing on my journal after a decent day at work when this fucking bomb exploded quite literally on my lap. But fear not I am here and we shall discuss until we can make fucking sense of it.  Should I even warn you of the length of this post, or are we all on the same “Luisa can’t synthesise for shit” boat now?

I. Azriel

I will start by saying that this does not make me hate Azriel or stop caring for him and wanting what’s best for him. I still do very much love him. This however does not mean I applaud or get behind how he expressed himself during this specially chapter. For me it was quite disturbing to see how he saw Elain merely as a sexual partner and thought that that translated into love. If he had made the distinction between being physically attracted to her and being in love with her, then I don’t think we would all be feeling like we are. Because it is fair to be sexually attracted to someone but not necessarily in love with them.

From what we saw I think we can gather that Azriel knows Mor is not into him and in his grief from all those years being in love he wants something immediate and there. On top of that he sees his brothers settled and feels like he is owed from the cauldron, so of course he starts seeing Elain as the perfect “solution” to his pain. Now, of course Elain (and no one for that matter) should be seen a solution to anything really. Much less he should jump on that boat and already think of her as his. Az, my sweet, possessiveness is not love. 

When I first read the chapter something stood out for me, he said he’s envious of his brothers and the emotional stability they both have, the fact that they were both chosen by the ones they love. We know Az loved Mor with all his heart and although she loves him too, it was not corresponded on the same energy since she is well bisexual homoromantic. He, so far, does not feel chosen in that same sense, which only feeds his insecurity of being unworthy.

In his envy he oversimplified things, he saw what both Rhys and Cassian now have and did the simple most stupid math ever: he went Rhys+Feyre = love, Cass+Nesta = love... hummm then If I’m single and Elain is single then it must mean Az+ Elain = love. (Sugar I love you but that is dumb as fuck). This has the same energy of when you are in high school and you let your friends convince you that you are actually into someone when you are really not, but then you buy into it and start believing in it yourself. In this case he was the one who created that push and convinced himself that it was the right thing.

I think so far we can gather a few things of the place Az is at right now: he is feeling extremely lonely, extremely envious and extremely sad. I do not think this excuses his behavior at fucking all, but at least we know where he is coming from. He is clearly mistaking sexual attraction and possessiveness as love. But I do think it all stems from this turbulent place he is at emotionally, not because he is a bad person. 

I do not thing he is a bad person for thinking of Elain as he does, because I truly think this is a set up for the growth he will experience. Is it a good look? honey no. But is it a realistic one? I dare say it is. As I said when I read this I got full on high school bull shit vibes, I thought “ohh I’ve seen this film before and I have lived it”. He is being immature and there is no denying. Which was only confirmed with him regifting that necklace... sugar... that was a dick move, very fucking dickish move -specially since it was alluded that they might have feelings for each other–. My man needs to do some emotional growth because yikes. 

II. The Narrative

Now, I have said before that for me, Sarah’s strength lies not so much on her world building or the originality of her works (which is not to say that her worlds suck or her narratives are not interesting and offer something new), but it lies more on her characters. To me she has always excelled at creating characters that do exemplify the range of humanity in its good, its bad, and all that’s in between. Even you can look at stuff that your fave did and go “yeah not cool at fucking all”. At least I know I can and I adore almost every character in this series. I love characters not because they are perfect but because I can either relate to them or because they allow me to understand and experience points of view that are alien to my own experience. Sarah has never made characters black and white. Your faves will make mistakes. Feyre has, Rhysand has, Cassian has, Nesta has, Elain has, Lucien has, Mor has and Az has. 

What make her books interesting from this perspective is that she says “characters development does not equal character growth”. Take Chaol for example –if you haven’t read ToG do yourself a favor and read it– his character arc is one of the most interesting and best fulfilled ones in that series because we saw him at his lowest, when we couldn’t empathize exactly and he was being an ass, and then we saw him question his problematic behavior and move past it. Character development means just that: that the character move from point a to point b. It doesn’t mean he will be better by the end, but it means movement. Character growth does mean he will hopefully get  to a place where they are “good”.

I think she knows exactly what she is doing with Az and with this teaser. Need I remind you of the chaos the bonus chapter in ACOFAS left this fandom in for a solid two years. This got our emotions high and got us one way or another expecting to see where this will all lead. I don’t think any of us were expecting this chapter when it was announced that Az would get a pov. 

III. Conclusion

To conclude I just want to reiterate that I don’t support how he’s is behaving. I think I am accepting how he is behaving. Acceptance however does not meant that I am behind it, it means that I accept it and I am willing to stick around to see him grow out of this and realize why this is all so wrong (because well you know I can’t actively engage with him since he is... you know... fictional). I have had moments like this with some of my closest friends irl with whom we’ve had talks about previous behavior and have had the “be fucking better” talk, which is something that Rhys essentially said (GOD BLESS YOU BOO), and is also a sentiment most of us shared, even Feyre, when Rhys forced Mor to face both of her abusers and then didn’t consult her when selling Velaris off to her dad. And to me that is part of what friendship means, it means being there through the growth.  

Everyone has their own limits of what they can understand of a character/person. If this is your own then it’s fine, no harm no foul. If this is what makes you jump ship from Elriel (that’s their ship name right?) then hey all good, I’m sorry for your loss.  

I am not an Azriel hater, nor I think I will ever be. At least not from the information I have right now. I do still love him and as I have said before I want to see him happy and with a healthy amount of self confidence (and no Azriel saying you could easily kill Lucien is not the healthy self confidence I am talking about). So if anything I am interested in the arc his character will face, we just caught him at a moral low –which to me still has a solid chance of growth–.

I hope this offer some light or whatever. And remember take it easy, it’s okay to feel things deeply but don’t quit in the middle of the war, we still have his book coming up and I am 100% that will enlighten us more. 

ANYWAYS, LONG LIVE ELUCIEN BITCHES.

[ellasadventuresinfandoms]

Okay, back in May @isolatedphenomenon asked me if I had an les mis fic recs and I went "oh boy do I !" and then promptly fucked off and disappeared from tumblr for like 6 months...

Anyway on the off chance people are interested, here is my vastly too long list of  my favourite les mis fanfic (that I'm almost 100% sure I'll have accidentally missed some of my favourites off of...)

The vast majority of these are main pairing Enjolras/Grantaire, so I've put those first, divided into multi-chaptered and then one-shots. Below that will be other pairings!

Multi-chaptered

• Witch Boy Series : magic AU, starting with Grantaire solving Enjolras' curse - this is just Incredible world building which gets better as it goes on - my favourite is the Babet interlude

• World Ain't Ready : you know how fandoms tend to have a fic that is just associated with it ? in my experience, for les mis this is it - and well deserved ! High school, fake dating AU with some of the most engaging writing

• BE : Enjolras is dragged back into theatre production, helping Eponine put on a production of Hamlet - really love the characterisation in this, and this is really one of those modern AUs that actually feels like real life - really good writing

• After the End : the definitive apocalypse AU in my eyes - les amis are an underground resistance to the dystopian government - really wonderful characterisation of Grantaire and the amis

• You never have to wonder; you never have to ask. : I tend to find fic by scrolling through bookmarks of a pairing, which means I often see repeats; this is a fic that if I see I just re-read cause I know I'll enjoy it - the amis sparked a failed rebellion, and now 18 months later Grantaire ends up staying at Enjolras' after returning to Paris for Marius and Cosette's wedding

• Your Heart on Your Skin : Soulmate AU with flower tattoos marking important emotions and events - wonderful concept and world building 

• Impatient to Be Free : Daughters of Bilitis AU - if that doesn't make you excited I don't know what else to say to convince you (aside from saying the author is a simply wonderful writer)

• You Dance Dreams : Okay. Not to be over dramatic, but this fic did genuinely qualitatively change my life, in that it was the first thing that got me looking up contemporary ballet and now that's like one of my favourite things and big hobby So. Also its really great writing; music/creative arts school les amis with Grantaire choreohraphing the ballet for Combeferre's opera, with a heavy emphasis on Grantaire realising he really never actually got over Enjolras

• philia : this one is an absolute classic to me, but not given nearly enough recognition - one of the more realistic college AUs ever written, and the writing of Grantaire is so good because it hits the perfect balance of sympathy and annoyance about his behaviour (that's a genuine compliment) 

• Coffee Hooligans : fucking tragedy this never got properly finished, Enjolras leads the amis as social justice vigilantes and tries to hide the criminal bits of his life from R

• Fighting the Hurricane : Pacific Rim AU that's less an AU and more just placing the les mis characters in the Pacific Rim universe. Really good and riveting read, also super interesting depiction of Grantaire

• Weaving Olden Dances : Fairy AU - Grantaire "claims" Enjolras to prevent his execution - really good writing, love Grantaires characterisation 

• Paris Burning : canon era (sort of) where cities have a physical being - Grantaire is Paris and becomes entangled in Enjolras' revolution - oh the world building is truly *chefs kiss*

• Euphoria is You For Me : Enjolras and Grantaire keep meet cuting in a wonderfully written Brooklyn - feels like a love letter to Brooklyn at times, and I really like the characterisation of Grantaire 

• so please just fall in love with me this christmas : Enjolras works for the environmental company Grantaire volunteers at, and keeps getting secret gifts at Christmas - I sound a little like a broken record but the Grantaire characterisation is very good

• You Are the Moon : Wild West esque Space AU - Grantaire has to call on the amis to help rescue Valjean and Cosette, despite Grantaire leaving the amis 6 months before. On re-reading the Enjolras characterisation feels a little rushed, but overall fantastic story telling and the Grantaire arc is a Delight 

• Pandemos : Enjolras is aphrodite, and seeks peace from all his suitors in R/Hephestus' cave

• Pining for You : Hallmark christmas romance - Grantaire returns home to work on his father's tree farm, and Enjolras is the lawyer helping prevent the farm being sold - cute as shit imo

• Once We're Kings : Fantasy AU - a country hosts a ball to marry Prince Enjolras and the rival country sends Grantaire as a fuck you - one of the best ways of doing Enjolras as a prince in a fantasy and just really nicely written

• Never Bitter and All Delicious : Fairy Godmother AU - yes really, yes its genuinely a very good read

• On One Condition : Fantasy AU - Enjolras is a bored knight who finally goes to check out the local dragon, which turns out to be Grantaire - I really like how they capture Enjolras' stubborn nature and it's such a well written soft growth of love between them

• That's How Easy Love Can Be : Les Amis work at a primary school; and its secret santa time! very fun portrayal of Enjolras

• The Lark and Her Lieutenants : re write of canon where Cosette is the leader of the revolution - just *chefs kiss*

• If You Tickle Us, Do We Not Laugh : Grantaire is Enjolras' secret android - really good at writing a relationship that's incredibly loving but just keeps being antagonistic and coming off wrong 

One Shots

• True Colours : AU where you leave colours on the people important to you - Enjolras and Grantaire falling for each other is so soft and gently written its lovely, this is genuinely one of my favourites

• Keep It Kind, Keep It Good, Keep It Right : this one is so good to me, because it builds off my pet hatred of everyone assuming Enjolras doesn't care about (or at least actively show he cares about) his friends

• blooming : very soft post-dystopian utopia that has just a really wonderful sense of hope and light to me

• and the wall leaned away (or: The Pros and Cons of Tilling) : perfectly realised characterizations of the amis, Grantaire needs a date to her final year art exhibition - deals with anxiety over protest in a way that actually hits for me

• not just one of the crowd : R helps run a leftist bakery and bike repair shop - very cute characterisation, and I think more les mis fanfic should link to anarchist essays

• Lovesickness : Enjolras is an idiot and thinks he's sick rather than having a crush - the writing of Joly and Combeferre in this is some of my favourite depictions of these two

• If there's a rocket, tie me to it : absolutely heartbreaking sci-fi AU about the amis as doomed mecha pilots

• Where I Fall is Where I Land : Enjolras is a Roman commander as Rome's power is leaving England, and then meets the pict Grantaire (+ fun soulmark stuff !)

• You Started Foreign to Me : Enjolras moves to america and R is the overnight grocery clerk who helps her learn Spanish - cute fluffy lesbians with a wonderfully written driven Enjolras

• Love Is Touching Souls : very cute soulmate AU - and one I really love for really truly considering the implications of soul marks and creating historical lore around it

• Ten Years : R is a musician, and it non-linearly charts his relationship to Enj from high school to 10 years later

• put up with me then I'll make you see : Grantaire lives above Enjolras, and its christmas - I find it to have a very fun interpretation of pining Enjolras

• A Cat Called Trash Can : this was one of the first les mis fics I ever read (yes I know it says it was published in 2020, but I think it has to be a re-upload or something?) and it does still have a special place in my heart - Grantaire rescues a cat, but Enjolras is the only one with an apartment free to look after it 

• Still I'm Begging to Be Free : inception AU where les amis have to rescue a sleeping R from his own brain

•I'm in it for You : cw: illness, cancer - R has cancer and is being a martyr about telling his friends so Enjolras drives him back from chemo

• walls come tumbling down : sky high au - a very good high school AU with the perfect level of campy superhero powers

• This brave new world's not like yesterday : Enjolras needs a job, so ends up working in a bowling alley with Grantaire and bonding

Enjolras/Grantaire/Combeferre

• In Defiance of All Geometry : les amis are a student co-op house, Enjolras and Combeferre are pining friends and Grantaire is the newbie

• Still the Same : this is very good writing and very compelling - if you can get over the (imo) plot hole of Enjolras working for the FBI. R was an art thief Enj put away and is briefly helping the FBI out, and Combeferre is Enjolras' husband

• To Kingdom Come : cw: war and PTSD from that, Enjolras and Combeferre are part of a group of refugees that have crossed into a more fantasy land, and Grantaire is a lone traveller from that land that attempts to help - that was a shit summary of this very emotional, wonderfully written fic about war and love in all forms

• Gonna need (a spark to ignite) : I always love a twist on a classic trope, and this is a very fun take on the soulmate AU - Enjolras loses feeling in his soul mark as a child, falls in love with Grantaire and then his soulmate, Combeferre, turns up

Eponine/Cosette

• Pretty Girls Don't Know the Things That I Know : simply stunning writing - perfect example of soft writing about a harsh world

• she knows her way around : Eponine and Cosette bond, ostensibly so Eponine can find out about her for Marius, and their interactions are so playful and realistic, its wonderful

• always find me floating on oceans : Cosette stows away on Eponine's pirate ship - I do always have a soft spot for eposette fics (not just cause I ship it) because they truly characterise Cosette in a really considered and interesting way

• There's No Making Love : I'm putting this under eposette even though there is some significant enjolras/grantaire content, because the Cosette characterisation is so fun and cute

• round and round again : this fic really beautifully translates Cosette's bad childhood and then isolated teenage years, and the impact that would have on her as an adult into a modern AU

• Underwater Thunderheards : this is based off the book The Scorpio Races, and is just a really nice short fic  about longing

• How To Change The World Without Taking Power : Marius has a crush on Cosette and she's tried being polite and subtle in turning him down, so just ends up fake dating Eponine instead

• blood red fruit and poison's kiss : Snow White AU - Cosette as Snow White

• The Winters Cannot Fade Her : Snow White Au 2.0 - Eponine as Snow White - this was written as a pair to the one above which is just so cute to me

• marriage à la mode : Cosette and Eponine run a bridal shop together and it's very cute !

• Temporary Hold : I personally find this a really fun and very unique take on Cosette - with exams coming up she decides she needs to get laid on the reg and so hits up Eponine to act as if they're already long term girlfriends

Combeferre/Courfeyrac

• better than you had it : fake dating but kick it up an emotional notch - Courf and Ferre pretend to still be together after breaking up for a family event

• take flight, come near : nice and cute low fantasy, where Combeferre runs a dragon sanctuary and Courf finds an injured dragon

Rare Pairs

• The Future's Owned by You and Me : cute Enjolras/Feuilly with actual radical politics and real life organising difficulties and wins

• First Dates and Other Dangers : Combeferre and Grantaire agree to go on a blind date and it's awkward until it isn't - just cute !

• after midnight : Combeferre has insomnia and meets Grantaire in various all night fast food chains

• as you are : Bahorel and Jehan getting ready together

• Almost Romantic : Jehan works at a museum, and takes Combeferre on a little tour

• Understudy : Jehan/Combeferre, with Combeferre's insecurities regarding being seen as second best to Enjolras

• Here There Be Dragons : Courf/Enj/Ferre - Courf and Enj are superheroes and Ferre is the doctor that patches them up

• To Let it Occur (Laisser Faire la Nature) : Feuilly has a stupidly long stopover in Paris and meets Enjolras

• rule of three : Courf/Enj/Ferre as spies and loving boyfriends

• Good Rhetoric : snapshots of cute cuddly courf/enj/ferre

• subluxate, dislocate, replace : found family and chronic illness with Joly/Bossuet/Musichetta

• Strike stone, strike home (like lightning) : so this fic took one minor piece of lore about Tolkien's dwarves and made a beautiful j/b/m fic from it

• Almost Inevitable : Bahorel/Feuilly friends-with-benefits

• god only knows (what I'd be without you) : Bahorel/Feuilly with a closeted Feuilly and a beautiful Feuilly and Eponine friendship

[aliatori]

L, T, U for the writer asks?

Oh hey, Hope. <3 Thanks for these asks—they were thought provoking and fun to answer.

L: What advice would you give to other writers?

Oh man. This is one I could write an essay on. I will do my best to stick to the few points I wish I had internalized earlier in my creative journey.

1) Comparison is the thief of joy.

Fandom in particular can be brutal for this, but I have seen it happen in ugly, messy ways in original writing communities as well. The more you focus on what you think someone else’s writing has versus your own, the less time you’re spending on nourishing your own creative joys. Comparison also assumes juxtaposing any two works is an apples to apples situation, when in reality it’s usually apples to oranges (or chandeliers, or old dusty skeletons, or whatever).

2) Be willing to experiment with both prose and process.

So much of writing advice is filled with prescriptive black and white maxims when the reality as I’ve observed it is a lot more flexible. For every person who froths at the mouth about unnecessary adverbs or avoiding the phrase ‘X let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding’, there will be readers who are delighted by the inclusions. The same goes for process stuff. There’s no magic number of words/days/hours/places you need to write—only that you put some amount of words down on a page in a way that works for YOU.

3) Find your people.

Writing becomes far less difficult and lonely when you are surrounded by a community that supports you in meaningful, positive ways. Having inspiring, skilled creators in my orbit who have also become dear friends has made me strive to improve my craft, to push myself past my comfort zone, and to keep going when I otherwise would have given up.

T: What’s your favourite part of the writing process? Why?

In official terms, honestly, prewriting is my favourite part. This is usually where character creation happens for me and is a favourite without a doubt. Aside from sometimes a loose concept or idea, characters are the first elements of a story that come to me and the central focus of my writing process.

After a few years of reading 150+ books a year, I’ve come to find strong characters are one of the elements that make a story stand out to me years down the line (followed by unique worldbuilding or memorable style/prose), so I made the conscious decision to direct my focus towards robust, three dimensional characters to align my interest with a useful craft decision. My other big love, worldbuilding, usually happens in prewriting, though much like characters will tell me fun new things during the drafting process, worldbuilding gets expanded on too.

The bulk of my daydreaming, Pinterest board making, playlist curating, and worldbuilding is 1) absolutely is a tandem favourite part of my process and 2) I have started to think of as post-pre writing. 😂 In trying to adhere to the old adage of writing for yourself first and foremost, I find this sort of in between mental work keeps me engaged and internally motivated between drafting sessions.

And like… hear me out, but I love drafting (with one exception I’ll note in my other answer). The satisfaction of building a story brick by brick, scene by scene, is so satisfying to me. And I have gotten better over the years at not self editing too hard as I go, so feeling myself and my oats on a first draft brings me a lot of joy. The more id, the merrier. Also, as a recovering pantser, discovery writing certain parts during drafting—like characters surprising me or teasing out an interesting answer to a plot hole—lights my fire.

U: What’s your least favourite part of the writing process? Why?

*grabs an imaginary mic and pulls it too close to their mouth* Editing.

Full disclosure, I am biased because editing has given me so much trouble the past several months. I can admit it’s a weakness. BUT! It actually makes sense in a way. In my last fandom experience where my writing got kick started after long dormancy, I didn’t spend a lot of time doing more than perfunctory revisions since, hey, people get this for free and can take it or leave it. So like any unused muscle, I am feeling the growing pains as I attempt to keep expanding and making significant structural changes to a previously ‘finished’ story.

The addendum to my drafting note above: I also hhhhhhaaaaaatttteeeee middles of any novella+ length story. Act 2 is my forever nemesis. It’s where I’m most prone to lose my grip on pacing, likely to write weaker scenes, and feel impatient until I get to the brain buzzing material when the rising action kicks up.

And, though I don’t delete anything outright, I hate when I have to make the hard decision to give up on a story that isn’t working/ready. Feels bad, even though I recognize it’s still valid practice.

[goblinconceivable]

All The Feels

Random bulletpoints of Annie/Jeff analysis because I am overcome with shippiness.  :D  Also more like bullet-lengthy-paragraphs.  You tried, self, you tried.

Pascal’s Triangle (PT) is not a love triangle.  

Sure, look at the top two rows and you’ve got a binary split, ie, choice between two women.  But PT is row based, your current row based on the one above.  It’s complex.  Look below the binary surface of choice to row 3, where it actually becomes PT, where the complexity begins (and Community is about complexity.)  1, 2, 1, a total of 4. The 2 is the merging of the two 1s from row two - Ie, two women who get lumped together.  And beyond them is a 1 that springs out of nowhere - Annie.  Surprise!

Kiss at the end of S1

Jeff’s major deal is being afraid of expressing caring/vulnerability, while desperately craving/needing it.  Britta and Slater were both saying they loved him, and he does want to take that, but runs scared because they are  challenging him to admit his feelings in public, which no one who really knows and cares about him would do.  His scene with Annie is private. And she isn’t asking him FOR anything, she’s just asking what’s up, because she cares about the answer.  He feels safe, he opens up, it’s intimacy, which is both giving and taking.  Notably he admits he’s glad she’s staying after his share, this is him saying he cares about her too.

His explanation of the situation is a perceived choice between being the New Year’s guy (who he wants to be) and the Three Weeks Later guy (who he is.)  But the thing about New Year’s is the initial momentum always fades, and you have to put in the work, which Slater doesn’t help him with.  And he WON’T be able to sustain it on is own.  The guy he IS isn’t who he wants to be, it’s just giving up, rather than striving, even if imperfectly, to reach those goals.  Annie falls into the sweet spot: she understands what his default is, but shows him that he CAN be the man he wants to be, shows him what those steps ARE, encourages him to take the steps to be that person, and rewards him when he succeeds.  Which he does, with her behind him.  

And she kisses him first.  Which is an offering similar to Britta and Slater’s public announcements, but through action, not words.  Jeff uses words as shield and weapon, as did the other two.  Bypassing this essentially shortcircuits his brain.  His brain will warp and analyze and question, but she kisses him gently, an invitation not a demand.  He’s already put aside his sword and shield during their talk, and doesn’t feel the need to pick them up because he feels safe and cared for and is okay accepting and reciprocating that.

Play

Jeff is all adult and aloof and beyond such petty childish pursuits such as play, which is the scoffed at domain of Annie/Troy/Abed.  But he actually really wants it.  It likely stems in part from his loss of a proper childhood, but it’s also just who he is.  Imagination isn’t just for the young, the loss of the ability to play is an oft-bemoaned feature of adulthood, one the learned remind us we ought recapture.  (And a joy of parenthood is getting to do that through your children.)  But look, he literally was playacting being a lawyer.  It’s how he engages with the world.  He just justified that as a means to an end and did it for power and profit, rather than for enjoyment.

We see this, I argue, when responding to Annie’s playacting they were married. Annie anticipates a bad reaction, but he doesn’t give one.  No judgment.  He then establishes it’s not a deeper issue (”do I have to worry about this” ie, is this real/insanity).  When he says “I can tell you one thing your fantasy got wrong...” he’s not challenging her, or even taking offense, and while he’s not entering into her fantasy world (which is over anyway), he’s offering fodder.  He’s involving himself in the narrative process for her benefit.  And in the couched language of daydream he’s reassuring her -if- it was true, he would be devoted.  IF is a super important word in play, because you don’t have to believe, for example, you ARE a pirate.  You just need to act as IF you were a pirate.

Also cute, I take as justified fanon the deleted scene where he orders her appletini.  He was whining to her about it but it was relaxed because they both know he’d do it anyway.  And when the bartender turns out to be a believer in Annie’s created fantasy world, Jeff stops himself from correcting him and destroying the world.  Instead, he lets it persist just far enough to let himself glance at Annie as if it was true, and in that moment he sees her through the eyes of fantasy, and sees a beautiful woman, rather than all the complexity of their relationship.

Then there’s basically all the giant Greendale instances of play.  Which one way or the other, he gets roped into and ends up jumping into with abandon.  (Paintball, lava etc.)  And they’re often paired, because he enjoys playing with her, and the “if this” acts as license for them to explore their compatibility.  And their capers, when they pair up in the “real world”, is really just a sophisticated form of play.  As brought up pointedly when they were searching for the ASB, there’s a dual nature here.  They aren’t just buddies, like Troy and Abed, who are also very fantasy oriented (cardboard submarine!).  There’s a level of daydream beneath the fantasy world where they can set aside the complexities of their relationship, and say “if we’re solving this crime, then we can live in this bubble and just be together.”

I also really love the whole Professor Professorson episode because of course the layers are just so intricate and delightful when they unfold.  He tackles her which was total overreaction, he’s in a heightened world and committed to it.  They plot out this crazy intricate play to teach the Dean a lesson together, where they involve real emotions.  Many of which are Annie’s, but that means they’re creating a world in which it is safe to amplify her feelings which they are both aware of but are usually repressed, especially by Jeff.  And he praises her for that later (she went off book and deceived like a master) rather than being uncomfortable.  They exit play safely because they trust each other while playing and can leave that permissive world as an if.  And it ends with the blanket fort collapsing and cocooning them.  It is a play space literally being broken, begging the question of how much impact our play can have on our real selves.

Season 6

So basically I think I missed fandom the first time around and just binged on meta and there’s (fanon?) that Jeff spent the season looking for her attention, but Annie had pulled back?  I zipped through a bunch of scenes they were in together, and heartily agree.  Also I think I went a little nutty but What I see:

Annie doesn’t ignore him or anything, but where she might have previously inserted herself in his life, she starts to let him fend for himself while she diverts her attention to other relationships, and treats him more like she does the others.  I don’t think she really does anything like taking his class so she can evaluate his teaching and bludgeon him into being better?  But when they’re in a situation, like City College’s ad, she stands up to him as normal, challenging him to be better and do the right thing, as she always has.  Rewards him with approval when he does, and his whispered “thank you” is the cutest thing ever because it’s an intimate choice in a rather boisterous exchange.

Meanwhile Jeff does seem to spend a lot of time and energy trying to get back to a place where he’s first in her eyes.  There are a lot of shots in S6 a the Table and group scenes that involve him looking at her disproportionately, first, last, or only when speaking, esp when they’re all at the table.  When I went back and tried to do the same to S5 those scenes are set up a bit differently and I saw less of it but I think there’s just fewer group scenes in general though?.  In S6, he often ends a comment directed at the group (non table) by looking at Annie, indicating he wants her response, and thus her attention and engagement.  And often, she is the next person to speak.  Which is her personality as a leader, which supports the idea that while he’s seeking her out, she isn’t necessarily responding to that but just being her. 

Finale

I’ve sort of run myself dry thinking through other things.  And great analysis is plentiful and most recent.  So not even bullet points just ramble But:

Oh3, so when Garrett proposed and Abed noted Jeff had a funny look, he’s been daydreaming marrying Annie for that lone plus longer?  That took me a long time to put together as an actual literal thing.

Oh2, it’s all canon that he has issues with prolonged eye contact because he doesn’t want people to see him broken and he doesn’t break eye contact through any of this.  He knows she knows he’s broken already and is quietly fine with her seeing everything and this is a moment for *sobs*

Oh wait hey, so callback to that bit where she’s like “your words don’t mean anything” and he’s like “That’s what conversation is, people saying things to get stuff.”  Because he’s 100% not trying to get anything by telling her he’s let her go.  And he means a lot by saying it.  And if he said “I love you” there’s an implied sense of obligation to say it back and since he means romantically he can’t do that.  So this is just him letting her know, no pressure, no expectation, that he loves her and has loved her but it’s okay because she’s free and he wants her to be free because he loves her.  And he means it so hard when she says “kiss me goodbye” he’s all “you don’t owe me anything.”

But she does love him too, except she knows she’s in a different place emotionally and professionally.  And it’s sweet and a gift because she doesn’t make this about her but about him and his feelings.  So she preempts his regrets because she knows he WON’T kiss her goodbye unless she invites him to.  There’s something I’m reaching for and can’t find here.  She doesn’t admit to anything because there’s no point?  It would just hurt him either way?  Sharing her feelings through action rather than words?

And so much squee thinking how far everyone’s come for this scene to be a thing which could happen.

Callback to Annie’s marriage fantasy when Jeff has his own.  Hers was external, by her personality (esp at the time of her maturation) and thus public and psychologically working out a reasonable feeling of abandonment as she gave their fictional selves marital difficulties.  His is very internal, and occurs after Abed, always so reliable as a gateway to fantasy, turns the tables on him.  He’s experiencing reasonable feelings of abandonment, and while he runs, it’s to a safe space of “what if,” a coping mechanism he has learned, and which allows for working out of psychological issues.  

It’s dual: in that the larger issue is his need for a sense of stability.  Though he’s staring at the table the scene doesn’t involve Greendale at all, he already had that fantasy.  This is about wanting a life outside of the safe zone of the college.  And while he suggests a dog as an option he imagined a kid because having one represents stability for him - it was his father who left, and he won’t leave.  If there’s a kid, this is a life, Annie can’t leave.  But he offers her imaginary self complete editing powers, because all he really wants is to be able to love and be loved.  It’s indulgence, a desperate grasp at balm because while he let her go, he can’t let her -go.-  He was okay with being close friends, they do love each other as friends.  See his pitch.  But faced with losing that, he’s stripped bare.  He indulges in his supressed hearts desire and is faced with the reality of what he already knows: it’s not in the cards.

And he’s stripped down to insecurities that aren’t limited to Annie.  It’s cute how they jive over Marvel, though it’s weird to me and takes up more time and weird dramatic looking around that doesn’t feel playful enough to be justified.  The tone of their voices is too serious, it’s a mismatch.  I like how he admits the huge thing that he let her go as far as he has control, and suddenly a time pressure is on their alone time.  Everything is immediate right now, everything happening fast.  I wonder what Annie would have said if not for the text.  But that’s the thing, it’s the wrong time for them and this is a goodbye.  It’s too late but just under the wire all at once.

In this chapter at least.  In the safety of the group Annie brings up a season 7, which we all know could happen years down the line.  Would have been more fitting if she said movie though.  Still, he takes that as the comfort in which it was intended.

WTF with his all coed season 7?  Yes, we cut to it so it totally isn’t happening, but has he put his issues to rest and is just fantasizing crap or what?  It makes no sense to me.

I love that he not only puts her first after she invites him to kiss her goodbye by asking “what about you,” but is -asking for consent.-  He doesn’t even move towards her until he gets it, he’s literally just standing back.  What’s up with the penis thing?  Meta reference to shortcut arguments that it’s not true love but lust?  Is it Jeff acknowledging his own cynicism and how he’s dropped it?  Since he’s so clearly not in a lust mode here.  Is he adding a tiny bit of his usual pointed add ins to his speeches?

I guess it’s like...  this is one of his speeches, but it feels out of place because of his delivery?  Which is beautifully subdued and resigned and honest and just defeated, but defeated in the sense that he defeated all the barriers he still keeps around himself.  

and goodbye hug and kiss at the airport.

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with @queenemori (she/hers)

what are you working on right now? I recently started posting We Don’t Need To Say It, which is a multi-chap Memori actor AU. It’s a slow burn, don’t ask me how I looked at Murphy and Emori and decided to write a slow burn, but it’s what’s happening. I really do mean slow, the chapter I just finished writing is only the beginning of the angst, you’ve been warned. My beta tells me she hates me at least once a chapter if you want an idea of how angsty this is gonna get. I started out writing for Bellarke in this fandom, and I’ll be going back to that later this summer. Anyone who follows me knows I’m obsessed with Emma, and I have an Emma Bellarke AU that’s in the outlining stages currently. I’m hoping to work on it more once I get further into this Memori fic.

what’s something you’d like to write one day? The fic I’m working on now is actually the thing that I was like, “I want to write that one day”. I love actor AUs and I wanted to write one for some fandom at some point, and in January I got this idea, but I was working on other stuff, so I was like, well maybe I’ll write it this summer. And now I am! Though I would like to write something featuring dad!Murphy in the near future.

what is the fanwork you’re most proud of? It’s actually one I haven’t published yet! I participated in Bellarke Big Bang this year, and I wrote a soulmates rom-com fic. I’m excited to share it soon once we get the go-ahead, and the artist I got to work with @clarkeindra has made some amazing art to go with it! For ones that you can actually go physically read, I will say You’re Already Breaking My Heart. It was my first fic I wrote for t100 fandom, and also the first thing I wrote after a really long time of just not writing anything, so I’m proud of it for getting me back into something I love and I’m glad that other people seemed to enjoy it. It’s what got me more into this fandom in the first place and how I made some of my first friends.

why did you first start writing fic? I got more into writing around the time I started college, though I always used to write little stories. There were a few times I almost wrote fanfic before then, like the time I almost wrote a Glee fic in ninth grade, or the time my junior year of high school where I almost wrote a Downton Abbey fic where Sybil and Branson were pen pals while Sybil was on her nurses course in season 2. But the summer before college, I wanted to write, and didn’t have any ideas for characters, but I had just read a really amazing next-gen Harry Potter fic called “Potters, Weasleys, and Misguided Snogging” which made me ship Scorpius Malfoy and Lily Luna Potter, or Scorily. So I started writing a couple stories specifically for that ship, back when I still used FF.net. It was just a one-shot and a multi-chap I never finished, but it was fun to interact with people and get to hear what they liked about the story and that they hoped I continued it, so I guess I caught the fic writing bug then.

what frustrates you most about fic writing? I wish people would leave more kudos. I’ve had this discussion with some friends before where they’re like, “What makes you leave kudos on a fic?” and I leave kudos on most fics I read, so it’s very interesting to hear people say they don’t do that as liberally as I do. If I made it to the end of the story, I’m probably going to leave kudos. The writer kept me engaged long enough to get to the end, which I think is worthy of showing some sort of support, even if I don’t leave a comment. Though I am trying to get better about leaving comments more often. Kudos are a very low stakes way to show you like a story that someone put out. Afraid to comment, but want to show the author you enjoyed reading? Leave kudos. A couple of stories I have out have gotten a fair amount of hits, but the amount of kudos in comparison to the amount of people who have probably opened it is a little disheartening. I’ve also heard people say they don’t want to leave kudos on stories that have been out for a while, but I love to get kudos on my old work! It’s fun to see that people are still reading things I put out in like 2017 or even just last year. Kudos brighten my day just as much as comments do sometimes, especially when I know not everyone feels comfortable leaving a comment!

what are your top five songs right now? The answer to this is 98% always related to what I’m listening to when I’m working on a certain writing project lol.

Sweet by Cigarettes After Sex Heartbreak Weather by Niall Horan I Will Follow You into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie Bye-Bye Darling by Borns Fire for You by Cannons

what are your inspirations? Red, White & Royal Blue, since I read that recently. It honestly just made me want to write a movie, and I kind of hope that whatever TV or movie adaptation it ends up getting in the future I’m able to work on. I want to be a screenwriter, so I tend to get inspired by TV a lot. The Mindy Project, Insecure, and even Never Have I Ever are big inspirations for me. Or more like, anything that Issa Rae or Mindy Kaling are involved in, to be honest. I write a lot of modern AUs, so just anything that shows good relationship progression or has fun with mundane, everyday situations.

what first attracted you to Memori? what attracts you now? So fun fact, I stopped watching the show for a bit. I binged basically two seasons in a weekend while visiting a friend in like 2017, and I enjoyed it, but I wasn’t obsessed? Then I started s3 and a bunch of characters were getting on my nerves so I put it down for a while. Then I was on Tumblr at the beginning of 2019 and saw a gifset from 3x05 of Murphy and Emori kissing and I was kind of like, “That guy’s still alive? And he has a girlfriend?” So I started watching again, legit only because I was shook Murphy had survived lol. So the thing that first attracted me to them was just the fact that they were a couple at all, I guess. I’d say now that I’ve rewatched the show and seen their relationship develop, I love that these are two people who have always had to fend for themselves and kind of had that “me against the world” mentality. And then they find this other person that cares about them and wants to take care of them, and life becomes a lot less lonely. Also now we get to see their relationship after years together, so they’re very domestic, which adds this lovely sense of normalcy on this post-apocalyptic sci-fi show that I absolutely adore. Their interactions especially in s7 just read as a married couple who are very comfortable with each other, but still incredibly devoted to one another and in love.

Besides Memori, what character or pairing do you like best on t100? For ships, I also really like Bellarke. When I was more casually watching the first time around, I didn’t have much of an opinion on them/didn’t really ship it until season 4, but ever since then I’ve been on board. It’s very clear I’m a huge Memori person, but I do ship Murven, though mainly in AU settings. And Memoraven are my OT3!! My other fave character is Bellamy. And I feel like Gabriel has also quickly become a favorite for me. It’s definitely a mixture of his confused, but obsessed with science vibe on the show and the fact that he has been very fun to write in my actor AU when he makes appearances every so often.

why did you decide to start writing for bellarkefic-for-blm? Ever since I’ve been home due to the pandemic, writing has kind of been my escape. Weirdly enough, I’ve written so much (both fic and some real life stuff), even though I’m still working and everything like that. And when the BLM movement was getting a lot of traction specifically in our fandom spaces, I was immediately skeptical of people’s intentions because as a Black person in America specifically I’ve seen this happen before where all the attention is on this issue for a couple weeks and then everyone goes back to posting what they normally post about. And I guess this time things are a bit different, but the thing that began to frustrate me was seeing people shame others for saying they were going to watch the next episode of the show or for working on their fanfic. Fandom spaces have been my biggest escape from the news since March and while I was glad people were focusing on this sort of thing, I kind of hated the way people were making it out to be like this was a new issue when in reality it’s just my life. When I close my laptop and go out into the world, I’m still Black. I had considered opening my ask box up for prompts in exchange for someone donating to a bail fund or something like that, especially since I had just reached a follower milestone, but when I saw that Sam was organizing this and it was going to be an ongoing thing rather than just for a certain period of time, it was heartening to see someone realizing that this isn’t something we can just stop talking about even when the media moves on. The structure of these prompts makes it so that a person has to do a bit of research on BLM and educate themselves or confront the issue in a way they might not have had to before. And it gives me a chance to write things like my fluffy Memori wedding fic ! It’s a way to have my little fandom escape and also stay aware of what’s going on in the real world.

what’s your writing process like (esp for prompts, chopped!, etc)? I LOVE outlines! The Virgo in me loves to talk about my fic outlining process lol. With some short one-shots, I tend to just go in with a sentence or concept that I write at the top of the document and just write and see where that takes me. I also put at the top of the document all the things I want to tag it as when I go to post to AO3, so I don’t have to spend too much time thinking of those when it’s time to post. With multi-chap fics, I first make an ideas dump document which is just me typing out a bunch of thoughts, things like who’s in it, the premise, stuff like that. My actor AU has three preliminary documents: My ideas dump, the actual outline, and then the outline for what happens on each season of the TV show the characters are all on, since I reference those plot points a lot. For things like Chopped or prompts I receive, I do a mixture of the outline/ideas dump in one document. I put at the top all the information I received (so with prompts I tend to just copy/paste the ask from my inbox, and for Chopped the different tropes and theme), then think about what characters I want to use if it wasn’t specified, then kind of do bullet points on what happens in the story. These have all been really helpful in terms of keeping me on track, but I make sure to remind myself that things can change as I write and take a different direction than I expected. So my outlines are constantly changing, but the general idea is already written somewhere so I don’t get too stuck.

what are your thoughts on dad!murphy? The concept of dad!Murphy has really been living rent-free in my brain since before the beginning of season 7. I just kind of love the idea of Murphy (who is a character at first glance I feel like people don’t picture as much of a father figure) kind of falling into being a dad in an unexpected way, and then realizing how much he loves it. It’s just such a sweet thought, and I talked about it so much with some of my friends, that we started a Dad!Murphy Enthusiast Club server on discord (we’re always accepting members so DM me if you’d like to join us!). We just kind of talk about our dad!Murphy headcanons, share fics featuring dad!Murphy, and then get excited when people make new dad!Murphy content. It’s a fun time and though I am a very large Memori, I’m a multi-shipper at heart, and Murphy is one of those characters that I find easy to ship with a lot of people, so we love dad!Murphy in all forms!

what are some things you’d like to recommend?  This is a mix of Bellarke and Memori stuff, since that’s what I mainly read.

Literally everything @mobi-on-a-mission writes, but if I must get specific, then Revive and The Cockroach. 

Almost Paradise (We’re Knocking On Heaven’s Door)  by @nakey-cats-take-bathsss , 13 hours by Kats_watermelon, feat. by Debate, and of course, my comfort fic so i sing a song of love  by twilightstargazer.

The best place to find @queenemori is here on Tumblr. You can find her ao3 here. Request a fic written by her via @bellarkefic-for-blm.

[searchforthescars]

amanda, do you have any advice for someone who's just moved out for college? i moved out 2 weeks ago (i was supposed to move in the fall when school started but covid) & idk i feel so?? lonely? or sad, i guess? i'm a freshman & i was super excited leading up to it, but i got here & i'm in an apartment with 5 strangers & i'm overwhelmed with how many adulting things i need to do, like groceries & laundry & cooking. i always thought i was pretty independent at home & i've also been away for 1/?

summer programs or events for a week, 2 months, etc. so it's not like i've never been away from home before & don't know how to cook or do laundry or stuff like that. idk. i don't get why i feel like this & so overwhelmed (also, i think now i get why most freshman move into the dorms instead of going straight to an apartment haha). my roommates seem nice too, i just don't know them that well yet. i feel kind of silly & pathetic & baby-ish about this since i know i'm so lucky to be able 2/?

to move out, but mostly i just miss home & wanna go back to my parents & siblings & cats, especially since i don't have any friends here yet & can't meet any cause of covid. i'm 18 but i feel so much younger & it's kind of hard to believe that i'm 18?? like ahhhh i'm an adult??? when did that happen?? anyway, i'm sure it'll get better (or at least i'm telling myself it will), but idk what to do in the meantime. any advice?

Hey, kiddo!!

First of all, congrats on moving out -- I’m really proud of you for taking the next right step toward your future. You’re doing great <3

Second, don’t you dare think this is something you’re alone in experiencing; although it can feel incredibly isolating and terrifying, I promise that everyone has felt this way the first time they moved out of their parent’s/guardian’s home. I sure as hell did, and I was 20 with a college degree!!! There’s no shame in it, and I’m proud of you for being able to verbalize your struggles and reach out for help.

These are a few things that helped me when I was living on my own for the first time -- if I had known all this going in, rather than learning as I went, I would’ve had a much better time of it, so I hope these help <3 But if you have any questions or thoughts, my DMs are seriously always open to you, on- or off-anon. You deserve help and support and I’m honored to be trusted <3

Get yourself on a routine. Tbh, half of the reason why things feel daunting (at least in my experience) is that they feel nebulous. To combat that vis a vis household tasks like cooking, cleaning and laundry, I’d recommend setting up a weekly or monthly schedule. Look at your class schedule and any other commitments and figure out which weekday is best for you to do laundry, which nights you could meal-prep for the days ahead, and which weeks you’ll be cleaning your areas of the apartment. Jotting those down or putting some notifications in your phone calendar will help you a) remember to do those things and b) rest in the knowledge that you’ve given yourself some structure. If you feel you’ll struggle with actually doing those things, ask a roommate to be your accountability partner! They live with you, so they likely have a vested interest in you doing those things, and will certainly be happy to help out!

Give yourself something to look forward to. Missing your family is so hard, so plan when your next trip home will be. Plan a movie night or another activity with your roommates (in my opinion, PowerPoint Night is an absolute winner -- y’all can take turns presenting about literally any topic you want and it’s a great way to get to know people and what they’re passionate about (or passionately against).) 

Get a tiiiiny bit social. It’s really hard with COVID, and I know it’s also anxiety-inducing to be The New Kid, but even something as simple as attending a Zoom event hosted by a campus organization can give you a little bit of social engagement -- if nothing else, you’re hearing voices outside of your own and your roommates’! There are also a lot of Discord servers out there for video game friends, students, fandom folks, pretty much anything; the platform offers a streaming function, which many people take advantage of and can be a great way to engage with other people around something you both love. Having that little bit of enrichment is really helpful and goes a long way in making you feel less isolated.

Do something with your hands. Find a tactile sort of hobby - drawing, painting, bullet journaling, digital art, collaging, etc. - and do it regularly. I bullet journal, make stickers, and collage the New York Times Sunday paper once a week. Doing something with your hands regularly is a good way to get your creative juices going and help the time go by, and it often is therapeutic as well.

Exercise regularly. I can’t tell you how helpful it is to get moving. It seriously is good for your mind and body, and you’ll feel motivated to do other things once you work out. I didn’t exercise for the first three months I lived alone and lemme tell you, when I started again, there was a marked difference in my mental health. Go for regular walks around the neighborhood, or if there’s space in your apartment to do some simple bodyweight workouts, the Nike Training app has great free guided workouts under 20 minutes. There are also workout videos free on YouTube, everything from strength training to cardio set to popular Tik Tok songs. I like to exercise about 30-45 minutes a day but YMMV

Treat yourself. I ran myself hard and ragged when I lived alone because I didn’t have anyone to encourage me to do otherwise. Even though you have roommates, it can still be easy to feel like you’re just ships passing in the night and that the accountability they provide extends to chores or other space-sharing ventures. So hold yourself accountable for doing one kind thing for yourself every day. Eat a piece of chocolate. Splurge on a coffee once a month. Buy a book you want to read. Do little things to treat yourself because you can, judgement-free! You’re your own boss now!

I hope these help a little bit!!! It can be really overwhelming and scary to be where you are but I promise, you are farther along than you think you are, simply because you can recognize and articulate these feelings and are reaching out for help. I’m proud of you and sending you all my love -- if you need anything, you got it. I’m here for you <3

[ranawaytothedas]

slightly emotional venting...

I put the actual post below a cut if you want to avoid the emotional word vomit...

(TLDR - My anxiety over potential backlash for Maeve has caused my writing to slow and my anxiety over posting to increase because she is so much of a self-insert and I deal with a lot of my personal trauma with her...thus making her “problematic” in some people’s eyes. We also just need to generally be better to each other in the fandom... just a lot me rambling and spewing emotions...)

You know what’s frustrating when you want to put out new content but you are also in the middle of evolving your writing style and learning digital painting.. so you don’t have anything that you can/want to share. I have a bunch of half-finished oneshots....a folder full of WIP.... but nothing like... substantial... not right now.

Since becoming part of this fandom, one... I just am way more critical of all my work because DA is not an active fandom. The handful of things I wrote in my old style haven't done well.. I know that likes and comments are not the purpose behind writing but it’s nice. So that just makes me think I must be a shit writer... maybe I am... IDK.. but it’s forcing me to change the way I write to try and see... if I am a shitty writer. I have never doubted my ability to write fic...till now....

The second big factor is that has somehow, after 20 odd years of active fandom participation, I am actually scared to post stuff... I am scared for people to read my writing. I have lived a rather...shit... life... not looking for sympathy but it’s just a matter of fact. A lot of my trauma comes up in my fics (points to her AO3). This means I often write things that people could deem problematic. I make no secret of the fact Maeve is very self-inserty... Poly-Bi, snarky and deflects all real emotions with humor, has a soft spot for the unwanted creatures of the world, with a mischevious and sassy male cat <.<., that falls in love with a guy she has known most of her life and was like a brother for a time (this is actually how I ended up with my husband IRL), with a narcissistic control-freak mother who wants to impose her will upon her child... like guys... *gestures wildly* that is basically me... yes things are different but there is reason Maeve has such depth because I put sooo much of myself in her... She is fairly unique among DA OCs, at least through my digging and the pride I have in creating her and doing all this stuff for her is immense... like SO MUCH pride. I love each person that engages in Maeve’s content because like that engagement is validation for the countless hours I (and cornfedcryptid) have put in fleshing Maeve out (and she is still isn’t 100% there) and also because there is so much me in her... maybe I do take things a little more to heart with Maeve but... like I don’t know if I can express how much this character I created has come to mean to me...

So that fear of people reading her story and saying “Well... this is problematic. for all these reasons..” And then come at me is SO real. I has me actually terrified to do anything. I am not saying that I have had anything but fairly decent interactions with the fandom. Even the few times I have put my foot in my mouth or said something that was/could have been taken the wrong way... things were fairly civil. I am a grown-up and know that yes, I still have growth to do as a person... At 31 almost 32... I still have more to learn... but I just want to write my fic and be in my happy bubble of trash...

One reason I am so excited about all these little “fandom positive” things that are popping up lately is that it reminds me of the communities I was in back in the days of LJ and early tumblr... when people got excited over their friends and fellow fans creations... like some young people may have missed this but it used to be... amazing and I still am real friends with some of the people I met through these types of events. 

The modern world is a lonely, hate-filled, tragic place... I do all I can to make my corner of it less so...I retreat to the internet to find people who have the same interests as me because my life doesn’t afford me the ability to have a social life in the “normal” way... It doesn’t... I love my son, I would die happily for him... but he takes up so much of my attention, time and life... No regrets but it is what it is... I am home all day watching Paw Patrol and Super Monsters, doing laundry or cleaning.... It’s not some grand life... my grand life comes from being able to write fanfic...do art and make friends who enjoy doing the same...

I am really lucky to have made the friends that I have in this fandom, I meet amazing and lovely people... but I have seen a lot of really not nice things in my short time.. like these little events like the Awards and stuff like that can have consequences at times... I know this. I lived through LJ I KNOW THIS, but I also know that the intent behind these types of things are usually genuine and come from a place of wanting people to feel validated by their peers. 

I get people may be overlooked, I am one of them, but I also like to think I am self-aware enough to know that just because I may be overlooked because Maeve isn’t popular, my fear of potential backlash has slowed my writing to GRRM like pace so she has little actual content other than HC, a few drabbles and some art I did and really lovely commissions...that other people who even if they are “popular” don’t also want/crave/enjoy the validation that comes from people say... yes... I LIKE YOU... I LIKE WHAT YOU DO... here is the made up award that says WE LIKE YOU...  

I guess my point is... we need to be better to each other... I get why people don’t want to be nominated but it also is a sweet idea at it’s core... and we need to make this fandom a place (even a small corner of it) someplace where people aren’t petrified to post their fics... because feeling like this honestly sucks fucking ass...

[silver-lily-louise]

I hate to only be able to send you anon asks :( I'll be a cheater and send you letters AND numbers from the two ask games :D First, C, U, V and Z. Then, 1, 5, 14, 18 and 20! (you can yell at me for giving you this much)

It’s okay hon - I would recognise your main if you wanted to come off anon, but it’s up to you! ^^

Also, yell at you? Babe, I’m an autistic white lady who’s been in lockdown for months. I am ready to TALK. XD ;)

C: Fandom I first wrote for Supernatural. My first ever fic was ‘Jamie’, in which Sam comes out as bi. 

U: When I started writing fanfic ‘Jamie’ was written when I was eighteen, the day before a Chemistry A-level exam lol. (Yes, I had to retake that exam, but that was always going to be the case, aha. I was going through some stuff back then.) 

V: Last sentence I wrote From last night’s work on my big WIP: ‘But no other clarification comes forth – he simply asks, ‘Do you want to talk about it? Your nightmare, I mean?’’ 

Z: How I feel about my WIP compared to my other works I think ‘excited’ is the best word for it! I’m enjoying the story, I’m enjoying how long it’s going to be, I’m enjoying the mystery of only telling a couple people what the AU is... When I think about getting to share it (once it’s done), I start smiling. 

1:  Do you prefer to break down and cry standing, sitting, or on the ground?  Definitely ground. Sitting up against my bed or the door, curled into a ball. It’s oddly comforting. 

5:  Would an authority be concerned about your current search history? Nah, it’s mostly chemistry, lol. Example: ‘what metal is used in a PAT scan’. And honestly, the last fic-related thing I googled was tame too, it was ‘globe amaranth’ so I could describe them properly in ‘vita in floribus’. 

14:  If you could take one word and publicly shame it for having inadequate synonyms, which would you choose? Oh, choices, choices... XD Probably ‘softly’. ‘Gently’ can be okay, but ‘quietly’ doesn’t have the same connotations... I get around it, but ‘softly’ is such a good word and I just want to use it all the time, lol.  NO WAIT I CHANGE MY MIND. ’CONTENT’. I always use that word, because ‘quiet happiness’ or ‘peace’ or ‘calm’ don’t quite cut it. It’s the mood I tend to end fics in, and I need synonyms!!!  (I’m almost afraid to answer that honestly, aha. Part of me thinks ‘you donut, now it’s all people will be able to notice when they read your stuff’ ^^; )

18:  Provide a summary of the hellscape that is your creative process from idea to publish? - Have idea - (Optional) Daydream about it before bed - Make cryptic note of idea - (NON-Optional) Daydream about it before bed - Make note less cryptic - Get around to it according to the ‘to write’ schedule  - Stay up all night writing - Be too tired to proofread - Proofread the next evening instead - Take out “the thing that seemed like a good idea but is now unnecessary” (there’s usually at least one, be it a line of dialogue or a quirky piece of worldbuilding) - Aaaaand post! ^^ - Shit, put it on AO3 but forgot to post it on tumblr - AAAAAAAAND POST!! ^^

20:  On a scale of 'lone tardigrade floating in space' to 'accidental omnipresent being divided from their created world', how lost would you be without people that comment?  If all else perished, and they remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and they were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it. (Scale above answer: as lost as if I had spent the better part of two days talking to a family member who, it turns out, was out of the house the whole time. Which I think is closer to the latter? ;) Serious answer: So lost! I love hearing what people thought, I love engaging with people about fandom and my work within it!! ^^ )

Thank you for the ask, babe! ^^ <3

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 5x19 Tough Love

aka you are not immune to… internalized bi erasure?

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And in today’s episode Tara’s not perfect and gets her mind sucked out for it, we kick off the season’s multi-episode finale arc by revealing Dawn to Glory, and we draw some weird parallels between two of our dynamics. Perhaps mostly though, I’ll just talk about Willow’s sexuality, because at some point, we need to properly address that elephant in the room.

Okay, so, let’s just kick this off. If you’ve been in this fandom long enough, you’ve been inevitably exposed to the discourse of Willow’s sexuality. And you might be asking now… what’s the big deal anyway? Isn’t art up to interpretation? Wasn’t that one of my main motivations for this rewatch? Why does it matter that parts of the audience ascribe different labels to Willow?

And well… that’s valid, but it also misses a crucial element of our media, one that I alluded to in my rant about Whedon character deaths. Art doesn’t happen in a vacuum. And the significance of that is only amplified for folks and groups whose experiences aren’t recognized or seen by society in the first place.

To them it will matter whether or not someone recognizes a character by a certain label. Because a refusal to do so feels like an erasure of their own identities. That’s what makes this whole discussion complicated in the first place.

Now, am I the best person to do a deep dive on this? No. Especially not in one of these barely proof-read long rant posts. I’m sure you can find much better sources, so please do that. But it’d feel disingenuous to ignore it too, so I’m just gonna address it to the best of my abilities as well as provide my own in-universe interpretation of what it could mean for the characters.

Great. Now for that pesky discourse.

Personally my go-to analogy to describe it is the classic Shrek onion one.

You see, you peel away a layer of the Willow’s sexuality onion… and it’s still an onion. You peel away all the layers, you chop it up, and sure, it remains an onion, but now everything’s a mess and you’re crying.

The issue is that you kind of need to peel those layers away anyway if you want to truly divorce yourself from the binary thinking that the show itself often engages with. Which is what’s arguably gotten us into this mess in the first place.

Because however you view Willow’s sexuality, you can’t deny that the show is doing a lousy job defining it. Willow does identify as gay/lesbian as of 5x11 and through the end of the series, but the language the show uses makes it impossible to just leave it at that.

In Doppelgangland, when Willow meets her vampire self, she describes her as “kinda gay”. Not gay, but kinda gay. We also see Vampire!Willow making out with Vampire!Xander in The Wish beforehand, so if Vamp!Willow is supposed to tell us something about Willow’s own sexuality, then it’d stand to reason that she’s bi. Right?

Well, apparently not. But then we run into her actual line in 5x11 where she first uses a label, saying “Hello, gay now!”. Notice, it’s gay now. As in Willow just woke up one day and turned gay. The same joke(?) is repeated in Intervention, where one of the characteristics that was programmed into Buffybot about Willow was saying Gay(1999 - ).

Now, that’s not to say that Willow can’t just have a fluid sexuality and identify anyway she fucking wants to, and she doesn’t need to justify her label to anyone. She fell in love with Tara, and that made her reconsider her own identity. Season 7 almost ends up addressing this too in a scene I think, so that’ll be nice to get to.

The issue mostly comes from the show skipping to engage even with the possibility that Willow (or anyone for that matter) might be attracted to more than one gender at the same time. The closest we get to this is with the love triangle setup in New Moon Rising, except I guess in this love triangle Willow also chose a sexual orientation?

It’s like that episode was the quantum superposition of Willow’s Schrödinger’s sexuality, and upon observation, it locked into either one of its two states. That’s why Tara’s been talking about getting a cat in that episode! Guys, we solved it!

Notice also that I’ve yet to really talk about Willow’s sexual history before Tara in regards to this… because for me that’s sort of less part of the point? If Willow was a real person, and you knew that she had this adorable boyfriend before she identified as a lesbian, you wouldn’t go up to her and question how she defines her own sexuality. I mean… I hope so? Don’t be a fucking asshole.

But that’s both the fallacy of the argument and the reason why you should still respect the label Willow identifies with. Because Willow is not real, she’s a fictional character, and therefore arguments can and should be made about how the show portrays her sexuality… And yet, the people who identify with Willow are very much real, and so are their own experiences of people dismissing their own chosen identities.

So, there you go folks. These are my two cents. Willow’s gay, but we need to acknowledge how the show appears to be either completely unaware, or actively dismissive of the existence of bisexuality. This even comes up in the S8 comics, where Buffy’s sexuality after having a relationship with a woman is continuously referred to as essentially “not-gay”. Because I guess in the Buffyverse canon these are your only two options.

Now that we got all that out of the way, we can briefly talk about this episode, I guess.

To keep it on track, I guess we should dissect the argument between Willow and Tara that sort of caused me to whip this whole discussion out here.

Now, this is a fascinating scene, because it pivots a lot, and reveals a lot about the characters and their insecurities. It also appears to be fueled by Willow’s own lack of self-reflection and Tara’s non-confrontational nature.

It starts with Willow complaining to Tara about how Buffy appears to be trying to be more strict with Dawn. Willow is obviously identifying with Dawn in the situation. But Tara says she completely understands Buffy.

This then probably reminds Willow of Buffy earlier telling her that she wouldn’t understand when she was talking to her about Dawn, which causes a mood shift in Willow. It also reminded me of season 3 of Buffy telling Willow the same thing regarding her connection with Faith, so as a Buffy/Tara shipper that association kind of delights me, ngl.

But as Tara pushes further, seeing that something is bothering Willow, she reveals the insecurity behind it. Willow isn’t just responding to Tara having this wisdom through this major, tragic life experience that she can relate to Buffy with; it’s that Tara’s done all of this so much longer than she has. She’s been a witch all her life. She’s been out much longer.

That however then triggers Tara’s own insecurities about Willow rapidly surpassing her in her own magical abilities, and says that that “frightens” her. She tries walking back on her choice of word later, but it’s too late, and Willow locks into that.

Now, this is some riveting stuff. Because with foreknowledge, the easiest interpretation here is that this will relate back to Willow’s abuse of magic in season 6. That deep down Tara already sees what having this much power will do to her girlfriend.

This is arguably even reinforced in the episode with Willow going after Glory. It’s once again foreshadowing, Willow attempting to take revenge for something that’s been done to Tara; but it also betrays a certain arrogance in Willow. She actually believes that she can take on Glory, a supposed God. (Which, honestly? She probably could by season 7.) That’s the kind of power that she wields and how she chooses to use it.

Still, in the argument itself Tara pushes this fear of hers in a slightly different direction, saying that she’s afraid that she wouldn’t be able to fit into Willow’s life, after all these changes. And that’s where the previous discussion fits in.

Perhaps to understand Willow’s response, we should remember how magic has been used as our lesbian metaphor for almost a whole season. Because she almost immediately jumps to the conclusion, that Tara’s afraid that she would… go back to boys? Which is of course a classic, toxic stereotype used against bisexuals, despite the fact that no one here canonically identifies as bi, so add that to the discourse.

More importantly, it’s said by Willow. Now, Tara totally drops the ball here, asking her “Should I be?”, which reinforces the validity of Willow’s assumption that it’s actually something that Tara is thinking. Even someone as perfect and precious as Tara is not immune to propaganda.

In Tara’s defense, she once again tries dancing back on it, and talking it out before Willow storms out, but yeah. While I’d like to think that Tara’s question came more from a place of general insecurity, regardless of the gender of Willow’s next possible love interest, she sure fucked up in that moment.

Still, the fact that it’s Willow jumping to this debate, might just tell us more about Willow herself and how she sees herself.

Let’s go back to Restless for a bit. In that episode, Willow’s fear was ended up being about how she was scared that deep down she was still the same girl that she was in high school. That all these things she developed through college that made her stand out were just a facade, and that she was merely hiding her true identity as the same lonely loser she believed herself to have been back then.

So… and bear with me here… if we take that fear as a core motivation for Willow’s character, we can interpret the way she identifies her sexuality as a means to distance herself from her old identity. From this perspective, it’d perhaps even make sense for her to feel insecure about a supposed attraction to men, because she sees that as a regression to her old identity.

I can not stress it enough that this is merely a possible interpretation though. And one that would really only become satisfying if season 7 - which was already largely about reconciling with these different aspects of her identity for Willow aside the obvious theme of power - ended up tying it all together with Willow re-defining her own sexuality. It didn’t though, so I’m still left with the same conclusions, and this thought experiment of a character analysis.

Anywho, this is getting so very long, and there are still a few things that I wanted to touch upon this episode. Mainly the parallel we’re drawing between Willow / Tara and Buffy & Dawn throughout.

Normally, I love a good parallel storytelling. It’s efficient and makes the whole thing more cohesive. Here however, they manage to drive the parallel home so hard, that it just becomes weird at some point.

Like the fact that we have these two conflicts in the two relationships, arguably anchoring the episode? That’s good stuff. I also like the fact that Willow and Tara’s argument grows out of their discussion about Buffy and Dawn’s situation.

There’s actually a lot of great interaction in the entire episode. I love Dawn opening up to Spike about how she feels responsible for what would happen to Tara, and how she feels like she can’t be good because of all the terrible things happening around her. That’s a brilliant scene. Spike’s “Well, I’m not good and I’m okay”? I actually love him in that moment, not even gonna lie.

Buffy thinking that she actually convinced Willow to not go after Glory reminded me of a scene in Angel the series, where the gang thinks they managed to curve Fred’s impulses to axe murder her old professor. Do you all even know these people you call friends??? But again, I liked that exchange.

And okay, Buffy needed to be reminded what she would do if something happened to Dawn to realize what Willow was planning. Fine.

But then you’ve got the doctor asking Willow if Tara was her “sister” (to which she of course replied “She’s my everything”, and it’s fine, I’m fine), and then in the last scene, Buffy explicitly equating Willow’s need to take care of Tara with her own feelings regarding Dawn.

Again, I understand parallel storytelling. I love it. But when you’re equating a romantic and a familial relationship there’s a point where it becomes weird, and for me, these two moments put it just over that edge. This is of course a deeply subjective perspective, and I recognize that.

And then you also get Buffy trying to take on these new adult responsibilities in the episode. She’s dropping out of college to try and care for Dawn, and is faced with the challenge to become a parental authority figure in her sister’s life. The scene where she explains to Dawn that the reason she’s being tough with her, is because otherwise she could be seen unfit to be her guardian just gutted me.

This episode is just way too much, guys. And we’re only just at the beginning of the big finish of this season.

[gffa]

I DEFINITELY DO. While I get why in canon (both in terms of “because that was the set-up we had to work with” and “Obi-Wan had just had his whole world burned down by the person he loved most, he wasn’t in the right place for a kid” terms), my heart still cries out for any AU where Obi-Wan raises Luke (or Leia!) and fandom does provide! And, yes, there’s going to be a lot of crying. STAR WARS FIC RECS - OBI-WAN RAISES LUKE: → Island in a Sea of Sand by mybluerose, obi-wan & luke, 42.5k    Obi-Wan Kenobi never intended to be a father. He never intended to be a moisture farmer, either. But when he arrives on the Lars homestead to find Owen and Beru slain by Sand people, he finds himself raising Luke, the galaxy’s best hope of defeating the Empire, on a desert planet thousands of light years from his friends and allies. → Names by Erisette, obi-wan & luke & leia, 3.8k    He has held these children in his arms for five minutes, Padme’s body is still warm on the medical table, and he rejects the Jedi’s delusions and any denial of his attachment. (Obi-Wan raising the twins) → To Live Among Wolves by FireflyFish, obi-wan & luke & cast, 33.1k wip    A father and his son are on the run from bounty hunters, five years after the creation of the Galactic Empire. → Beneath the Sand by LurkingCrow, obi-wan & beru & luke, 2.9k    A change in Imperial policy leads to a small but significant change to matters on Tatooine. A short exploration of how a sad hermit may have ended up a little less lonely. → Master and Padawan by Katharos, obi-wan & luke & cast, 15.5k wip    What if Luke was raised by Obi-Wan as his Padawan? → Tatooine AU by Nisa, obi-wan/anakin & luke, 6.2k    In a world where Obi-Wan doesn’t know how lucky he is the worst has never happened, he still finds it hard to go on. → Path of Choice by UnknownFigment, obi-wan & mara & luke & owen/beru & cast, 45k wip    Five years after RotS, Obi-Wan agrees to protect a young girl rescued from the Empire. Then protection becomes training, one student becomes two, and the galaxy is set on a different course. → turn my sorrow into treasured gold by cosmicocean, obi-wan/padme & luke & leia, 15.6k    Padmé survives childbirth, dies as far as the rest of the galaxy is concerned, takes her children with Obi-Wan, and runs. → World Come Undone by crazyundeadfairy, obi-wan/anakin & luke + background anakin/padme, 68.3k wip    Unexpected things happen when ObiWan takes Luke to Tatooine. + BONUS RECS UNDER THE CUT 

→ Island in a Sea of Sand by mybluerose, obi-wan & luke, 42.5k    Obi-Wan Kenobi never intended to be a father. He never intended to be a moisture farmer, either. But when he arrives on the Lars homestead to find Owen and Beru slain by Sand people, he finds himself raising Luke, the galaxy’s best hope of defeating the Empire, on a desert planet thousands of light years from his friends and allies.    The first fic is up on AO3 and I’ve linked to that one (its sequel is here) but it’s much further along on FFNET, here and here, hence the word count discrepency! I haven’t finished reading this one, but I’ve really enjoyed what I have of it so far (and possibly am hoarding it for a rainy day, just a little bit!) and I believe A Delicate Fury enjoyed it as well, so I feel comfortable recommending it already! It’s pretty much exactly what one wants out of “Obi-Wan raises Luke in an AU” and just has this really charismatic, warm feeling to it! → Names by Erisette, obi-wan & luke & leia, 3.8k    He has held these children in his arms for five minutes, Padme’s body is still warm on the medical table, and he rejects the Jedi’s delusions and any denial of his attachment. (Obi-Wan raising the twins)    Holy shit, I did not know I needed Obi-Wan raising Luke and Leia as badly as I did until I read this and it was just a straight goddamned shot to my heart. The differences, yet echoes of canon, the way so much changes and yet some things stay the same, the way Obi-Wan loves these last pieces of Anakin, but also loves them for themselves, the beautiful writing of the scenes as they grow up and begin to fight in this war, all of it. All of it. I loved all of it. I’d have read 100k of this and come back for more, even as satisfying as it is in just under 4k. There’s a brief bit of attachment = love that goes against canon, but it’s mostly just in the beginning and I don’t remember it much beyond that (though, my memory is fuzzy) and Obi-Wan’s not in a good headspace! → To Live Among Wolves by FireflyFish, obi-wan & luke & cast, 33.1k wip    A father and his son are on the run from bounty hunters, five years after the creation of the Galactic Empire.    While I understand why canon went the way it did, because who knows if there was enough left of Obi-Wan to raise a kid, I love love love AU fics where Obi-Wan is instead the one who raises Luke, who loves him because this is the last piece of Anakin he has, but then comes to love him for himself. And I love that he well and truly is Luke’s father here, that as much as Luke is Anakin’s biological son and that’s important, the fic is about Obi-Wan being there in Luke’s life, truly being the one who raises him, who is his father here. And it’s balanced with a plot, where they’re constantly on the run and that’s such a hard life, but it’s not a bad one, there’s such joy in the small things, Luke is so bright in personality and in the Force, and the fic does a really lovely job with showing that to the reader. There’s a mix of something that feels like slice-of-life with the greater, more frantic running from the Empire, something that feels very true to Star Wars and the characters, something that really kept me engaged with the fic the entire time.    And, indeed, I pretty much read the whole thing in about two sittings, because it sailed along so smoothly, and I would have easily read another 100k of this, had it already been written. I also don’t mind that it’s a wip (aside from that, of course I want more!) because it’s not really about the end, it’s about the journey there. The point of it is seeing the daily moments where Luke is this little ball of sunshine that’s so bright in the Force, the point is seeing Obi-Wan find something that makes him live again, not just survive, the point is showing life under the Empire, especially for a Jedi and the child of Anakin Skywalker. All of which this story does a lovely job with and was a great read to pick up! → Beneath the Sand by LurkingCrow, obi-wan & beru & luke, 2.9k    A change in Imperial policy leads to a small but significant change to matters on Tatooine. A short exploration of how a sad hermit may have ended up a little less lonely.    Oh, I didn’t know how much I needed this fic until I had it–where things are mostly the same post-ROTS, except Beru takes one look at Obi-Wan and says, okay, he’s coming with us. I love this because it doesn’t diminish how important Owen and Beru are to Luke’s future, especially because Obi-Wan’s not really in a place to raise a kid, but it also makes things better for Obi-Wan, gives him something more to live for, rather than just a distant sort of promise and affection. This is a slightly kinder to Obi-Wan Kenobi universe and I love it, I love the gentleness of Beru here that’s layered over steel, I love how warm it is here, it’s bittersweet but in a really good way, and just soothed something in me that always needs soothing. It was a beautiful fic. → Master and Padawan by Katharos, obi-wan & luke & cast, 15.5k wip    What if Luke was raised by Obi-Wan as his Padawan?    This was a fic written post-TPM, but pre-AOTC or ROTS, so a lot of stuff is going to be different here, but it doesn’t really matter that much, because it’s a story about Obi-Wan raising Luke, halfway as his son and halfway as his apprentice, in a story that’s just CUTENESS ALL THE WAY AROUND. I really loved tearing through it and I don’t mind that it’s a wip that hasn’t been updated in ~15 years because it’s not one that’s about resolution, it’s about the slice of life dynamic between these characters as Luke (who is a ball of sunshine, of course, even as he’s also a little shit sometimes) grows up and Obi-Wan adores him and loves him. That it’s a heartwarming fic set on Tatooine, with Luke making friends with Biggs and they go to see a podrace with Obi-Wan as the exasperated dad chasing after energetic kids, with teaching Luke to be patient and let go of his anger and frustration, all of it was just really sweet and a nice read. → Tatooine AU by Nisa, obi-wan/anakin & luke, 6.2k    In a world where Obi-Wan doesn’t know how lucky he is the worst has never happened, he still finds it hard to go on.    This is a pretty fluffy AU, where Anakin didn’t turn and went with Obi-Wan and Luke to Tatooine. It’s a combination of a happier universe for the two of them with a lot of focus on Luke growing up, which was nicely adorable. It’s one of those fics that I read everything together and it was just… nice to read, even when bad things started happening in the final fic, it just… was a better, softer universe and sometimes I really need that. → Path of Choice by UnknownFigment, obi-wan & mara & luke & owen/beru & cast, 45k wip    Five years after RotS, Obi-Wan agrees to protect a young girl rescued from the Empire. Then protection becomes training, one student becomes two, and the galaxy is set on a different course.    I’ll warn ahead of time that this is a WIP, but it’s really more of a slice of life kind of fic, where Obi-Wan takes on a young Mara Jade to raise, which affects the events of the story so that Luke comes into proper orbit sooner, and you get a ton of the good stuff in what’s already here! Plus, it was recently-ish updated, so it’s entirely likely that we’ll still get more to come. But, honestly, I could have kissed this fic for doing what my heart was braced against: So often when I go into AU fics like this, unless I’m going for fic specifically geared towards it, the relationship between Obi-Wan and Anakin gets entirely downplayed and it hurts my heart to think of any universe where they weren’t best friends/brothers who loved each other. While the fic is absolutely not about that, it’s about Obi-Wan raising Mara and training both her and Luke, you can feel in the background how deeply Obi-Wan’s feeling about Anakin go. How much he loved (and probably still loves, underneath everything) that boy he trained. It’s a perfect amount, it’s never directly said, you just feel it, in the way he moves and talks and interacts with Luke and Mara. But the heart of the fic is really on his relationships with them, as well as their relationship with each other, and I love love love that Luke/Mara feels like it’s kind of there, but it’s also kind of not because they have other shit going on and this universe is so much better for Mara, who will always be bruised around the edges, will always have sharp corners, but has learned to love and care and be loved in turn here. It’s sort of fluffy, it’s slice of life as the kids grow up, they have play dates together, they train together, they go on “missions” together, they learn the way of the Jedi, but also it’s not really the same, they’re a new generation that’s their own thing. There’s greater plot machinations happening in the background, they’re being trained to take on the Emperor and Vader, but the heart is firmly on their growing up on Tattoine and it was such a delightful read, mixed in with just enough revelations (the scenes were Obi-Wan told Luke about Anakin!) and history of the galaxy to make it feel suitably Star Wars. → turn my sorrow into treasured gold by cosmicocean, obi-wan/padme & luke & leia, 15.6k    Padmé survives childbirth, dies as far as the rest of the galaxy is concerned, takes her children with Obi-Wan, and runs.    Oh, I was just utterly engrossed by this fic, it’s such a lovely story about Obi-Wan and Padme post-ROTS and how they slowly develop a relationship, how Obi-Wan is absolutely Luke and Leia’s father even if they’re not his by blood, how Padme is their mother, how so many things are the same and yet so many things are different, how the fic can still break my heart and yet provide something a little better for these characters. The only way Obi-Wan/Padme usually works for me is when Anakin’s ghost both is and isn’t there, which this fic does perfectly, they both loved (love) him but he’s gone and they’re building something for the twins, they’re building something between the two of them as well, which all these little details and moments in the fic builds up towards. I love how much presence all four of them have here, that none of them are left out or forgotten by the story, I love that the fic is just so solidly good and I would have read another 100k of it, both for how much it pleased my id and just how well-told it was all the way around. This is a terrible rec, but this fic was an absolutely wonderful addition to the Padme Lives fic in the fandom, as well as for Obi-Wan raising the twins. → World Come Undone by crazyundeadfairy, obi-wan/anakin (?) & luke + background anakin/padme, 68.3k wip    Unexpected things happen when ObiWan takes Luke to Tatooine.    [Note: This is one of the fics that I read most early on in my time in SW fandom, when I wasn’t that familiar with canon, so caveat that I don’t know how it holds up over time! It may go against the Jedi of canon or my better understanding of Obi-Wan and Anakin’s characters, I can’t say without a reread! But I have SUCH fond memories of this fic and it definitely fits the bill!] Oh, lord, this fic. I cannot tell you how hard this fic grabbed me and would not let go until I finished it! There are a couple of caveats: The first two chapters are fairly slow, a lot of monologuing over things actually happening, but once Luke starts talking, it kicks into gear and doesn’t let go. It’s also a WIP and hasn’t been updated in a few years, but the author has gone years between updates before, so you never know, but more importantly! You get so much of the good stuff in what’s already here! So, while I would have loved to have had the rest of the fic, I’m genuinely content with what we had here as well, because let me tell you about my feelings on Obi-Wan raising Luke, who is this amazingly sweet little moppet that I was instantly in love with, as well as Anakin eventually finds out and tries to steal Luke away but gets in his own way too much and finds himself trapped in a situation that he’s not sure how to get out of. I was initially skimming ahead to just read the confrontation between Obi-Wan and Anakin when they saw each other again, just to see if the fic picked up, and found myself getting sucked in because the fic does a great job with each scene making me want to read the next and the next and the next, so I had to go back to my original place and then I just hungrily read the entire thing because Anakin wants to take Luke and kill Obi-Wan, but he can’t because he wants Luke to lovehim and that won’t happen if Luke knows he killed the only father he’s ever known, yet Anakin still burns that Obi-Wan has taken Luke, despite that Obi-Wan has always talked about Anakin to Luke, always told him stories, and Luke can already feel that there’s still love there, no matter how much anger and hate is held onto, sometimes on both sides, after all that’s happened. It’s one of those fics where they’re forced to be semi-civil to each other again, but underneath is all this emotional tension and hurt that made my fannish heart absolutely ache while reading it, yet was delicious candy at the same time because it hit my id perfectly. Getting well-written fic that does justice to the iddy concept it has is such a rare treat in fandom and I love this fic for doing that for me! It’s one of those situations that I would dream up without trying to properly justify it in my head just because I wanted it, but the fic actually sold me on it and doesn’t shortchance that Anakin is full of rage and hates Obi-Wan, even as you feel how much of it is borne out of still loving him. Obi-Wan is fantastic, he’s so steady and solid, but that doesn’t mean he’s passive or without his own anger on Anakin’s actions, even as he’s still willing to try to help him again. And Anakin feels so right to me, that he’s not there yet, he’s not doing any of this for the right reasons, his love for Luke is still selfish and obsessive, but there’s hope in him and you can see the sparks of maybe something still good in there. And I’m labeling this as Obi-Wan/Anakin because the author has written slash fic for them before and the relationship is very central to the story, even if there’s no kissing, and Anakin’s relationship with Padme is very important and I just really, really was hit spot on by this fic, okay. So good. BONUS - PADME LIVES: These are more Padme-centric fics, but have Obi-Wan as the twins’ father as a sub-plot, so if you want to read more, these might help scratch that itch! → Keep Breathing by Yesac, obi-wan/padme + some anakin/padme + luke & leia & oc, 45.8k    Padme doesn’t die at the end of Revenge of the Sith. Instead, she decides to take the twins and join Obi-Wan in exile. → the family amidala by dirgewithoutmusic, padme & obi-wan & luke & leia, 6.8k    Padme lives. She runs. → Circles by ambiguously, obi-wan/padme & luke & leia & anakin + past anakin/padme, 4.2k    Padmé and Obi-Wan raise the twins together while hiding from the Empire. BONUS - UNREAD: These are ones I haven’t read yet (but are tucked away on my reader to do so!) but either they look promising or I like the author, so I’m reasonably confident recommending them! But if there’s something in them that would have me turning away (you all know my general tastes!) I can’t say for certain about them yet, either. → The Hermit’s Son by landsail0r, obi-wan & luke, 1.2k    AU where Obi-Wan raises Luke. → we were born for better days by FireflysLove, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & luke & cast, 3.6k wip    Obi-Wan attempts to save Vader from the Dark Side, but the Rebellion, especially Bail Organa and Ahsoka Tano, are not going to believe that after a decade of terrorizing the galaxy, Anakin Skywalker can possibly be saved. → Hope is a Four Letter Word by laniew1, obi-wan & luke, 3.2k wip    Obi-Wan’s life is simple; he wakes, he eats, he meditates and on some mornings he watches Luke (or the Obi-Wan raises Luke instead AU).