#or enough brain power to put anything meaningful in the tags

[prettyboykatsuki]

TEXTBOOK CITATIONS ON IMMORAL SEX | S. GETOU ft. F. TOJI

✮ tags ; porn no plot, afab + fem!reader (good girl, little girl once sarcastically by toji, pretty), mild degradation (dirty girl, a bitch in heat), professor!getou + security guard!toji, dubcon, imbalanced power dynamics, age gaps(10+ years), mild coercion / blackmail, spit play, wet ‘n messy sex, face-fucking, oral (f +m!recieving), spanking, restraints, dirty talk, creampie / unprotected sex, 18+

✮ wc ; 10.6k

✮ synopsis ; You’re willing to do anything to pass your intro course. Whatever it takes. No cost is too high.

✮ a /n ; a comm for the beloved @fushironi !!! thank you for commissioning me and letting me post your work. if anyone is interested in a commission i will be reopening them at some point this month hopefully

A SIDE NOTE: THIS IS VERY CONSENSUAL!! but the relationship is inherently unethical so the dubcon tag is there. and this is. just smut. no plot no brain. just porn.

You're failing ethics. 

You're failing ethics and failing it badly. 

You refuse to take all of the blame for your failures. Some of it is your fault, but most of it is the fault of your good-for-nothing academic advisor. You're not sure what they get paid for, since it seems like there's an elaborate prank going on between staff and you're the only one not in on the joke. In what universe is it possible, plausible - that an individual could get paid for doing everything but their job? 

Apparently this one. But whatever. 

In your last semester of university, on the edge of graduating and totally on the right track - you're informed that you're not going to be able to graduate in the expected time frame because you are missing a single course. You learn this information about two days before registrations close, which means all the meaningful classes contributing to your major are booked and busy. Everything is full, and everything that isn't doesn't contribute to your degree. As in, even if you took it - it wouldn't give you what you need to graduate. 

After a full-blown mental break, a long night crying yourself to sleep in your dorm, and an egregious amount of begging - you managed to snag yourself a class. It wasn't ideal by any stretch of the imagination, and it did put quite the strain on your schedule. Straight out of your 8am lab - you had to speed walk to the other end of campus and make sure you made it to lecture. The lecture time itself was an hour and twenty minutes, attendance mandatory, twice a week - which meant you had to delay lunch again till afterwards and learn on empty fumes till 1 pm. 

Still, better than not graduating at all. 

You'd hoped (expected?) that the course itself would be about average in coursework. For one, it's an intro class. Intro to Ethics or PHIL-2467, with Professor Getou Suguru. Secondly, the actual listed coursework seems simple enough. Discussion boards, reading analysis, and a few papers made up for most of the grade. The expectations were outlined as clearly as they could be. 

You didn't really know anything about Professor Getou at the time, only that his ratemyprofessor described him as somewhat strict but mostly good. 

In any case, you'd consider yourself lucky. And in an effort not to freak out about your circumstances, you'd practically chanted to yourself each night the same mantra. Everything was going to be fine. You've taken nearly 120 hours of coursework, and a little extra time won't kill you. At the start of the semester, you fully believed it too. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and utterly naive.

How could a single course torment you like this? You hadn't the faintest clue. At first, it struck you as odd that the course felt as difficult to grasp as it did. The readings were complex and extremely long but always said a lot of nothing. Much of your grade was dependent not only on assigned work but participation and discussion. The paper criteria was only simple on the surface, but proved to be too lengthy to comprehend and too difficult to fulfill. 

Long story short, the class was kicking your ass. And the ass-kicking slowly progressed into a failure so bad it was laughable. You're in your final year, and that means taking a lot of difficult and specified courses in relation to your major. You were at the point where your classmates were starting to thin out, and you were seeing the same group of people you had as a freshman. As far as prioritizing goes, a 3-credit hour course that isn't technically meaningful to you falls to the very bottom of your priorities. You're more concerned with things like job-hunting and finishing your capstone and all the stuff related to your actual career. 

So you've been half-assing all the papers and exams, falling asleep in class, and lowkey straight up ignoring the weekly discussion boards. 

However, above everything else, the worst part of your class is your professor. Professor Getou Suguru. PhD in Comparative Ethics with a Masters in Cognitive Science. 

You didn't really have a chance to speak with any of your friends about Professor Getou, despite it being in your best interest - because you only knew you had the class two days before it started. You'd come to learn only two things about him after attending. First, he's a complete hardass when it comes to grading any assignments, and second most of his merit comes from the fact he is ridiculously good-looking. 

He can't be any older than his late thirties or early forties, which means he's young. Young enough to be attractive but old enough for most of your peers to thirst for him in unhealthy ways. He's at least a decade and a half older than you, and by god does he make it clear. 

What they don't tell you about college is that there's nothing that can make or break a class more than your professor. Everyone is always too worried about everything else, about getting their schedule right - that they often overlook this basic tenet of college life even though it's so crucial. The worst part is that while various websites rating your professors are helpful, you won't truthfully know how you feel about a professor until you've met them in a classroom. You've had professors with lower ratings be absolute angels, and professors with higher ones being some of the most useless in your entire academic career. 

You were hoping that Professor Suguru would be what you expected. That his astounding 4.5/5 would be a meaningful assessment of his character, that he would be tolerable and polite and understanding and that your semester would be smooth sailing because of it. 

But of course, of course - that couldn't be further from the truth.

You don't know at what point exactly your relationship to Professor Suguru became as sour as it is right now. There's no real pivotal movement where mild intolerance became full-blown and outright distaste. But part of it, you know, stems from the fact your beloved professor is a snake. 

You have no idea how no one else notices it. It genuinely feels like you're the only one who catches the subtleties of his behavior. There's just something about him that's a little…off. The irony isn't lost on you. He's an ethics professor, but something about him makes alarm bells go off in your head. A walking red flag, though a handsome one. He's off in a subtle way, but more than that - he's very openly smug to every single one of his students. It's just that no one else seems to really care. The air of pretension that surrounds him in his every movement is suffocating. Maybe that's part of the charm, if the way girls flock to him after class is anything to go by. 

Even so, you just know there's something deliberate about his casual cruelties. He always seems to pick out the quiet kids, and from the beginning of your semester to now - he always, always manages to single you out of the crowd of students. In every class, in every discussion, in every chance he has to make you out to be a troublemaker he will. 

Yes, you don't really have any idea how it started. But you've been keeping a long record of every single act of personal terror that damned man has been inflicting on you since the start of the course, and you're not unconvinced that your shit grade is in part because he wants to see you grovel in front of him. 

The first time it happened - you figure it was a coincidence. He had called you out in class after you missed a discussion board. You hadn't done the reading, and it wasn't obviously humiliating but it singled you out all the same. When you fumbled coming up with an answer, he gave you a smug smile that so quickly morphed into a fake sincere one, you wondered if you were imagining things. 

The second time was when you came in late after a walk of shame, and Professor Suguru greeted you by the door by asking if those were the same clothes you wore yesterday. After being completely mortified by it, the once dark gaze immediately rescinded to his usual fake-calm self. It was suspicious, but not the concrete evidence you needed. 

And the third time was after your first project of the semester. Your grade was lower than you deserved, and you knew it - so you went to his office hours to bitch and moan to get it bumped up. But he wouldn't budge, saying that he thought his assessment was accurate. Made a smug face as he told you he just didn't think you thought your points out through. Unfair critiques shielded by flowery words and polite gestures. It was that moment that cemented the dislike, though it wasn't the start.

The beginning of the end, so to speak.

Ever since then, you've harbored nothing but dislike for him. You can see past his pretty face and you don't see anything good. You've had unpleasant professors before, but none have ever targeted you so specifically. None of your previous professors, even at the worst, seemed to hold such an unbelievable personal grudge. 

You're all alone, fighting an invisible battle. 

The worst of it though, is that you simply couldn't be bothered to give a shit about it for most of the semester. You had way too much going on, so you just had to put up with the inexplicable dread of attending that class until you had to deal with it again eventually. 

And after months and months of avoiding the issue head-on, you're at a point where you can no longer do so. Your grade is officially below a C after bombing your last quiz, and there's only 5 weeks left until your semester is over and you're barred from graduation. 

And you have no fucking idea what you should do about the situation. 

__

There's a subtle pit of dread in your stomach as you enter your first philosophy lecture of the week. 

For the first time since the start of the semester, Professor Getou doesn't antagonize you as soon as you enter the door. In a strange way, this makes you kind of uncomfortable. He gives you his usual fake smile, but the fact he's gone out of his way to leave you alone makes you feel like he's planning something. 

You brush your paranoia aside as you take a seat in the back of your class. You don't have any friends in this lecture, at least not ones you do more than greet. You sit closer to the back of the lecture hall, tucked into a corner and up a few steps.

The charms on the end of your book bag zippers click together as you take your seat. You open your laptop - pulling up the lecture slides to pretend to study while opening 2048 to play while Professor Getou goes on about his business. You're hoping he's going to go easy on you today, and that his lack of interference is a sign of mercy. 

More people start to trickle in and the classroom is the usual amount of packed it is by this point in the semester. The last day to drop passed last week, so the number of students has decreased despite it being spring semester. 

Your professor starts his lecture as soon as the clock hits 11:30am. You look up from your computer, watching him as he sets up his slide deck and waits for all the conversation to settle before he begins talking.

He catches your eyes briefly before he continues, but he holds it for long enough that you know it's intentional. You frown at him, and it almost looks like he laughs - but you can't be sure your mind isn't tricking you into thinking that. 

"Good morning everybody," His voice is smooth and pleasant - hair tied up neatly. He's wearing his usual attire. Black slacks, and a loose-fitting white shirt with some kind of canvas shoe. "How's everybody hanging in there? Good? Bad?" 

He takes a look around the room, gauging peoples replies before chuckling. 

"Not in good shape huh? Stick it out, a few more weeks and you'll be out of here. Today, we're going to continue on into section five of our coursework - the shortest of all of our other sections," He grabs something that clicks the slide into the next one, a few images next to a wall of text "We have a lot to cover in the last few weeks, but I want to start with a refresh of what concepts we've been learning for the last few weeks." 

The swiftness in the way his eyes land on you is comical in its predictability. You give him an uncomfortable half-smile as he calls your name and brings the class's attention your way. A few looks of pity don't go unnoticed. You stiffen, straighten your back as he says your name slowly before asking. 

"Do you think you can tell me, what are the four core structures that define modern Japanese philosophical thinking?" 

There's real, uncomfortable weight to his gaze that makes you choke. You pull back slightly. 

"Uhm, well - there's Shintoism, Confucianism, Buddhism and western ideology. Primarily German idealism."

He gives you a smug look, the same one you always see before it fades off to an uncannily brilliant smile. Not a sincere one, because when is it ever - but there all the same. 

"Someone's been studying hard huh? But you are correct. We've spent the majority of this class going over the first three. How Shinto tradition, Confucianism, and Buddhism were experienced in Japan - isolated from Anglo-Saxon influence for the first few centuries of its establishment. We've also studied the vague historical timeline of these influences, mostly focusing on modern philosophy. We've covered Edo period philosophy as a precursor for what we know and understand now." 

You can say a lot about Professor Getou, but more than anything - he has a certain way of commanding the room's attention that never lets you get completely comfortable. He has an air of charisma you've never seen in your life and being in close proximity to it makes you feel like you're being swept in by waves larger than life. 

You fidget almost anxiously as you wait for him to continue his lesson.

"Our last few weeks are going to cover the culmination of your previous lessons, and what dictates both national morality and the hierarchy of modern Japanese social mores - Bushido. The way of the Samurai." 

Professor Getou continues with this slide deck as he outlines Bushido conceptually. From its existence as a moral code in late 12th century Japan, to the many misconceptions about the strictness in which it was adhered. He starts the lessons like he starts many others, explaining misconception and myth before touching the surface of the subject at hand. 

It's in his nature to advocate for the whole truth. From the start of your classes to now, Professor Getou always places the same emphasis. If only that truth is unable to be understood without opposition. It's like his whole being is constructed by it, opposition that is always radical and jaw-dropping. You've known this about him since he voiced his open critique for certain ideas about social welfare and about the emphasis of national morality. 

You can't be certain what he really believes - only that he'll voice his views as critically as possible, if only to stir the room. 

"Bushido is the heart and soul of modern and postmodern Japanese ethics, but it remains critically undefined despite its usage and citation functionally. Other philosophical schools of thought have strict definitions - Bushido is evolutionary in nature. Inazo Nitobe is primarily credited with the modern and popular interpretation of Bushido, but has received criticism for its obvious influence from Western ideas, and its comparison to chivalry."

Professor Getou sits back on the edge of his desk with a look on his face. 

"The tendency of Japanese philosophy to lean into metaphysics does not align with the many values of infrastructure and military present in the culture now, but I'm not going to critique the philosophy for you," He skips to the next slide, your last project of the semester on the wall "For the sake of brevity, I'm going to have you write a paper on one of the eight outlined ideals in Nitobe's work, and I want you to reflect on that ideal in your paper." 

A collective whispering erupts in the class as people stress about the assignment of their final few weeks. Not unexpected given the circumstances. Professor Getou doesn't flinch as he waits for the room to settle down.

"This will be your final project in this classroom, and will count as your final grade. On one hand, doing a good job on it means you have nothing to worry about for the last few weeks. On the other it's make or break," He locks eyes with you again as he says this, startling you as his smile grows coy and inauspicious "So if you're in need of a good grade to pass you, I'd recommend coming to see me during office hours or during one-on-one time so I can get you the grade you need. We'll discuss more at the end of class, but we've gotta get through more lectures so you can get an idea of what you can pick."

He gives you one another look, another pointed and obviously direct look, before he proceeds on with his lecture. It gives you a bad feeling in your stomach, and maybe you're being too self-centered thinking he's focusing too much on you.

But you can't help it, swallowing down your uncertainty as you continue on with the lesson. 

You need to pass this class. 

___ 

You meet up with Nobara after the fact. 

She's a good sounding board for your problems as usual. Where you're always looking for the most civil solutions, she's good at giving it to you straight on what you should do. She's no bullshit and you like that about her. Whenever you need a kick in the ass or an ounce of courage, she's the person for the job.

 So after meeting up for lunch, ranting again about Professor Getou (for the hundredth—no, thousandth time), and whining about his weird behavior, you're expecting some semi-sound, if not mean advice on what you should do. 

"Have you thought about just fucking him?" She says instead, her voice full of sincere boredom. It comes out so casually, like she's relaying the news cycle to you - and you can't help but be utterly shocked listening to it. "Not that it was my first suggestion, but I mean…it's getting ridiculous." 

"Hello? Where the hell did that come from? What do you mean just fucking him?" 

She gives you a sideways glance of disdain as if you were the one saying something unreasonable. She leans forward into her hand mirror, gluing on her eyelashes for her afternoon date with Maki. She scoffs when she realizes your shock is genuine. 

"Are you serious? Does this not read as an elaborate scheme for this total jackass to fuck you?" 

You're flabbergasted. Surely she's not being serious with you. 

"Nobara." 

"Haah? Tch. Don't make that face. It's a gross abuse of his power but well, he's not ugly. If he were any younger of a professor, would you like… not assume that was the end game?" 

"Nobara, he's a professor of ethics. His whole career is ethics." 

"Yeah. Like. The perfect cover for wanting to screw his wide-eyed, desperate students. He's a hot, young professor. Not my type but you get me. Don't you think it's a little naive to assume his personal vendetta against you is shit, I don't know… totally lacking that motive? Think with your brain, not your tender little heart for a minute, okay?" 

"It's not that!" 

"Really? Just like your relationship with Mr. Fushiguro is totally platonic?" 

"I said it was one-sided, not platonic." 

"You're my whole heart and soul, you know that right? I didn't freak on you when you said you had a crush on Megumi's deadbeat dad. You're my salvation from the idiots we call guy friends. So I'm saying this with love, and not as the complete bitch you know me as - you're being dumb." 

"Nobara, are you seriously saying you think this whole thing is about him wanting to," You can barely even get the words out. You're not that much of a prude but god. "Wanting to have… sex with me?" 

"Yeah. What else would it even be? I think an awful man is interested in screwing you - a hot, capable twenty-something. Are you stupid? Is that like, sooo impossible for you to consider?"

"Well it's not the first place I would think to go, that's for sure." 

"And that's your whole problem. Don't get me wrong, again, totally gross. Is it like.. a total abuse of his authority? Yeah. But that doesn't have anything to do with you personally. If I'm right, and you fuck him - you get a good lay and to graduate. And you need both."

"Nobara!"

"Don't be mad, I love you, okay? But I'm thinking about your future and your prospects. There's nothing wrong with it on a technical level."

"That is so untrue and you know it—"

"Look. I don't like it. I think it's a weak move and kind of corny and gross. But you've been planning your big graduation for years. And it's not a bad opportunity, and you're not a complete idiot. You said before that he's never inappropriate with the other girls right? You might even be the only one. As far as I'm concerned, there's no reason for you to not get laid and pass." 

"Oh, so the student-teacher thing isn't reason enough?" 

"Not if you wanna graduate it's not." 

The two of you remain at a stand-still as his words trap you into a corner. How the hell do you even deal with this information? And how on Earth is she so sure of herself anyways? You think you're pretty good with signs, at least about things like this.

But it doesn't feel like flirting. He's never flirted with any of the students in class, despite how much they seem to fawn over him. Could this weird, psychological dance you've been doing for the last twelve weeks be some sort of unspoken foreplay ritual? 

The more you think about it, the less it seems implausible to you. There's a wave after that, some cross between impending doom and shameful arousal blooming up inside of you as everything hits you all at the same time. 

When you return to reality after being trapped in your thoughts, Nobara gives you a mindful (almost pitiful) smile and shakes her head. You frown at her in reply, squeezing the bridge of your nose. 

"If it were like literally anyone else, I'd totally tell them it's a bad idea. But it's not like you're going on to date him, and you're what - 24? because of your gap year so you're not a preteen like some of the freshmen in your class. I just don't see any reason not to go for it." 

You tamp down the small voice in the back of your head, encouraging you to do - and instead ask her a follow-up question. 

"...Do you think I should attend his office hours tomorrow, yes or no? I have to email him by tonight to get the one on one." 

"Yeah. Yes. And shave before you go." 

__

You decide, for the sake of your sanity and everyone else's - to ignore Nobara's odd implications about what Professor Getou wants from you and to attend his office hours.

(That's a partial lie, you figure - given the fact you did shave, and shower before attending. You're wearing something kind of nice underneath. But you still don't think he wants to fuck you. It's more of a safety precaution than anything else.)

 You made the game plan last night that you would go, present your idea, and then beg him to be kind to you during the grading process. You even developed a list of things to sob and cry about it to generate something of a sob story if everything went awry. You've forsaken your pride. The only thing that you need to get out of this meeting is a passing grade. 

And that is, of course, by any means necessary. 

Fearing for your life, the state of your mood improves as you approach the building hosting Professor Getou's office. Of all of the people you interact with semi-regularly on campus (all of which you are quite fond of), Nobara wasn't lying about your affection for campus security guard - Toji Fushiguro.

He's an older man. Older than you by double digits, and from what you can tell - older than even your professor. You've been fond of him ever since he brought you back to your dorm after a horrible break-up with your ex as a sophomore. He's got a rough edge, and there's plenty of unverified rumors of his past. You know that he has something of a criminal record too. 

But for all of those rumors, and for all the things you hear about him - he's been one of the highlights of your campus experience. You've had a one-sided school-girl crush on him ever since that night, because you were sober enough to catch his body and how it feels. He was strong. Not in an average way. He made it so effortless when he was carrying you home in his arms - and it's not the first time you've seen him lug around things at least over 300 pounds like they were nothing. 

But attractiveness aside, he is uncharacteristically good at cheering you up. He's funny and witty, all while maintaining a cool facade. He's endearing in his own way too, and you're a little head over heels for him though you'd never push yourself to make the first move. 

Still, when he sees you come towards the building - he greets you with a wide smile. The scar over his busted lip - split open and welcoming as you run up to him for a hug. He's normally patrolling around campus, so it feels lucky to catch him where you least expect. 

He wraps you up with a single arm, your feet temporarily lifting from the ground before you get put back down again. 

"Mr. Fushiguro, what are you doing here?"

"I got moved over here since there's been some rumor about someone stealing from the labs upstairs. So I'm on lock up duty for this building 'till it gets fixed up and solved," He says, voice as smooth as ice "What about you sweetheart? It's gonna get dark out soon." 

"Ah, I have office hours with Professor Getou today. I need to consult with him about a paper." 

"That right? Just gonna be you in there, then?" 

"Yep. I'm gonna go in there and beg him for a good grade on our next assignment. So for the sake of my sanity, please wish me luck?" 

Mr. Fushiguro tilts his head to one side, grinning. 

"Wouldn't that mean you graduate sooner instead of later? Can't wish ya luck on that." He says, making you flush and letting the feeling linger before continuing "Just kiddin'. A pretty face like yours should do you just fine. Knock 'em dead." 

"I feel a lot better about it with your encouragement." You say honestly. Mr. Fushiguro gives you a laugh.

"Treat me to something if my luck makes any difference. And hurry in. Last thing you'd wanna do is be late." 

You nod, wide-eyed and dazed by how charismatic he is before you rush into the building. It's silent, given how late in the school day it is. Most people have already gone home, with the exception of the other poor souls likely chasing down their professors for the same reasons as you. 

You feel an overwhelming sensation of dread as you encroach upon Professors Getou's office. There's no one else in the close vicinity, only a few closed classrooms and students who are passing by the small corner where his door resides - most of which are making their way to leave. 

You decide to take a deep breath, calming your shaken nerves before knocking politely once on his door and entering the room. 

Professor Getou's office looks like how you'd expect it to look. It's clean, and sleek - and lacking almost completely of items of personal effect with the exception of his desk. It's the first time you've ever been inside of the room before, but it smells distinctly of him. He has that same scent surrounding him, like flicks of nicotine and a hint of bergamot. Sweet with the taste of metallic bitterness, like blood and sugar.

You feel the back of your throat bob as you see your Professor sitting at his desk. It's lacking his usual gracefulness. His shirt is unbuttoned down by three entire buttons, and his slacks seem looser. Most notable is his hair - classically long, now in a loose bun with pieces falling all on his shoulders and rolling down his neck. 

You think of what Nobara said to you earlier in the day alone, a strange and overwhelming sensation of lust and embarrassment making it difficult for you to open your voice and talk.

It's Professor Getou who greets you first. He looks up from whatever he was reading and looks at you from where you stand awkwardly at his door. His smile widens, though it's just by a little. 

"Ah, I was wondering when you'd be here. Looks like you're right on time." He says first, sitting up in his chair but not bothering to gather himself in any way otherwise "Come on in and sit. I assume you're here to talk about your grade."

 You sit across from him hesitantly, hands folded in your lap as you put your bag down on the floor. 

He studies you quietly. There's a long stretch of silence, where neither of you do anything but sit in each other's company.

He breaks the silence first.

"So, while I have a guess," He says, elbows on his desk "Do you want to talk to me about what you're here for?" 

You've practiced the dialogue in your head so many times now. What to do and how to say what you need too, but the words seem to fizzle out completely when it's time to really say them. Leaving nothing but uncertainty, you open your mouth only to close it once again. 

"Uhm," Your voice strains trying to make the words out into a coherent sentence. "I came to talk about my paper. And my grade, like you mentioned in class."

"So you decided to heed my advice? Good girl, that was a smart choice," You try not to be taken aback by the pet name - unsure if it's as inappropriate as you think it is "Do you know what virtue you want to cover?" 

"I thought I would pick uhm, righteousness - and then pull from some of the Western ethics we learned about. Making uh, connections between deontological ethics and duty and how it relates to the defined idea of righteousness," You explain nervously, an uncomfortable laugh bubbling out of your throat "How practicing duty and righteousness relate to each other."

 "Hmm. Sounds like you've had time to think about it a little, then."

"I uhm, haven't finished the reading but I did take a look over my section to see if I could make it work." 

"I think you have something to work with. You'll need to straighten out the thesis of your paper into something more tangible. I know that's an ironic ask. But I think it's a good idea," He gives you a brief glance, studies you with eyes. Snake-like. Something coils inside of you, tickles and brushes against your skin and makes the hairs on the back of your neck raise "It seems like you have something more to tell me, though." 

Do you? Is there anything more there? The answer lies indifferently on a scale from obviously to no. nothing at all and it haunts you that he's able to pick it out. 

"It's just well. Uhm. You know, I don't have the best grade in this class so I was more prepared to go down with my grade. You approved quicker than I thought you would." 

"Your grade is pretty abysmal. Did you come in here planning to beg?" 

You refrain from an instant yes, even though it's what you feel. Something about the way he says it makes your stomach clench. Your heart quickens. Your tongue feels too heavy in your mouth as you laugh uncomfortably. 

"Something like that? Uhm, or at least try to hash things out between us. I know our relationship over the c-course of the semester has been kind of sour so I…"

He cuts you off.

"Has it?" 

Your brain stutters to halt.

"Uhm. Yes?"

It's unpredictable, utterly and completely - the way he reflects on your words like you've said something incomprehensible. You aren't sure if that's sincere. You can't be sure if any of the words out of his mouth are. But he doesn't seem like he's lying. Your mind flashes to Nobara, and you find yourself speaking before you can stop it. It comes out like a flood.

 "I j-just always assumed you singled me out in class because you didn't like me? I don't mean to be accusatory, though."

"I'm afraid you've got the wrong idea," He says, shaking his head "I don't harbor any negative feelings for you at all."

"Oh," You say, eyes falling down to your lap again "Right, then." 

"You must be desperate for that passing grade, hm? If you're meeting with a professor you think hates you." 

You glance at him. 

"Well, yes. I want—need to pass this class. I've already planned my graduation for this semester." 

"And you'd be willing to do anything for that, is what you're implying?" 

"Yes," You say, with a sudden rush of unwavering confidence "Anything." 

"Let me ask you another question, then." He lets his elbows rest on the edge of his table, a familiar coy smile "Do you think there's any other reason for why I've been paying special attention to you, aside from me disliking you? You're a smart girl, so I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out." 

The weight of his words don't go unnoticed. The air feels heavy as it hangs between you. He couldn't be implying it so directly could he? Your mind drifts back to Nobara's warning to you, and your breath hitches. Your eyes widen as you glance up for the first time and give him a look of mild distress. 

And he smiles. His grin widens as soon as it dawns on you.

"Seems like you've reached an important conclusion," He says, casually - as he sits up in his chair and leans back. Stretched like nothing could get in his way "Why don't you share with the class?" 

"You," Your voice is a nervous tremor. You must be crazy. You must be completely out of your mind "...To sleep with me?" 

"See? I told you, you're a smart girl." 

The question is a burning one. One you've been wanting to ask since you started thinking about it last night. 

"B-but…why? And why me? A-and," 

"You have a tendency for being combative. You know that? An air of defiance. I can tell you're a little older than your peers. A little wiser, and a little more knowing of when to ask for help," Getou outlines, staring you down "And seeing you with that sense of desperation was exciting for me. I'm a man of simple tastes. At my age, I know what I want." 

"And I like when tough, combative, clever women turn into babbling, desperate, needy girls. I'm quite fond of it, actually." 

He's detrimentally serious. Your stomach flips. 

"Do you want to pass this class?" He asks you, an air of confidence surrounding him. You close your eyes, unsure if you can call it coercion when you're feeling so terribly willing about it. 

"Yes. I need to pass." 

"Then come up here," He gestures, widens his legs and leans back in his chair "And sit." 

Your body is burning. You don't know if you're even really in the situation, or if you've daydreamed it into something impossible. Something phantom moves you. Stands you to your feet shakily before walking in short strides. Professor Getou looks at you from where you stand over him. 

His hand brushes your outer thigh, patting it. 

"Sit." 

So you sit. You spread yourself and straddle your professor - and the reality dawns on you the minute you touch what you're doing. You haven't gotten laid in a bit, and he's nothing like anyone you've ever slept with. You feel out of your element. You get the impression he's a man, a grown one. There's a confidence in him that looms and looms and looms, overshadowing any of your doubt.

He's sexier up close. There's the faintest trace of smile lines on his expression as you look down at him. He guides your arms to loop around your neck, and holds your hips with his hands. 

Then you feel it, almost instantly - something hard and bulging pressing against the seam of your pants and against your crotch. He's already half-hard and he hasn't even kissed you. He grins at you lazily, like a cat with cream. 

"I'll pass you as soon as I put it in," His hands are so big - long, slender fingers gripping your ass "And give you extra credit when you cum for me. How's that sound?" 

You feel dirty. It's all happening so fast. Almost vulgar, but it's impossible to feel cheap. To believe in the wrongness of it when Professor Getou is so undeniably sexy. Wrong, on so many levels, to do this for the sake of your grade. Or just in general. Yet you want it, yearn for it, find the culmination of all your annoyances melting as he graces you himself. 

"I wanna pass," You say, uncharacteristically nervous about everything. You add the next part a little quieter "...I want it." 

"What do you want, exactly?" 

"Want you to fuck me." You admit, against your better judgment "Please?" 

"Gonna make a real pretty mess out of you," He says, voice smooth and serene. You look down at him. His knuckles brush against your jaw, on your cheek before his thumb holds on your lower mouth. His fingers push past the edge of your lips, sliding against your tongue and gently running along your teeth. He gags you on it, so slightly - enough to startle you but not enough to hurt. You feel spit pour from your lips. 

Thick messy strings of drool drip down the sides of your mouth. You want to back away in shame. But there's an air of intention behind the gesture. It's deliberate, the action - the mess and how it runs down your neck. Before you know it, he's kissing you in that same state. 

Professor Getou kisses like he's done it before.

His hands grip on your ass as he kisses hot and heavy. Self-assured, he sucks and bites at your mouth - sticking his tongue in and mixing his saliva with yours in a way that feels downright dirty. Yet it makes you throb, white-hot flames licking at the back of your thighs. The sparks of arousal crawl up your skin. 

Your nerves tighten as Professor Getou cups your face with one palm, kissing you with fervor. You melt into him, arms wrapped tightly around his neck. 

"Been thinking about what you would look like bent over my desk all semester," He says as he pulls away, looking on with admiration at your messy complexion "You wanna go on ahead and show me?"

Another wave of embarrassment washes over you, but you find yourself standing to your feet. Sliding your sweats off down your legs - your lower half is left bare with the exception of your feet. You lay or stomach on his desk, the cold wood sending chills up your whole body and your stomach and tits lay flat and squishy against the hard material. You stand, shoulder width apart, and present yourself in front of him. 

"That's what I like to see," His voice is rich and deep as he speaks. You can feel him inch towards you, pulling you apart with his palms before his hand comes down on your ass in one hard motion. The noise echoes against the walls of the room "See, I knew you could listen well when you had to." 

You don't say anything in reply, pressing your cheek against the desk. 

"W-what do I call you?" You ask, your voice trembling. You feel his fingers against the seam of your panties. He snaps the cotton waistband against your skin before humming thoughtfully, a light tap to your ass. 

"Getou is fine. Suguru is too. Sir if that makes you more comfortable."

 Getou makes a show of fondling you, though you can't see it - you can feel the way his eyes nearly swallow your naked lower half. How his fingers touch and prod all of your sensitive places, with some kind of keen observation. Everything Getou says is like that, keen and particular.

"Such a pretty pussy on you. Would've been such a waste if you didn't come to me."

You don't bother to ask what he means by that. Behind you, there's a noise. Of a chair rolling back, and the dull thud of knees hitting the ground. Before you know what's happening, there's a face dangerously close to your clothed pussy. The minute you try to squirm, there's a tight grip keeping you in place. He takes a deep breath. Without any real hesitance, you feel his tongue lick across the clothed material. 

In one fell swoop, he pulls your panties to one side and kisses your clit without any more real introduction. You're gripping the edge of the table you're bent over as you feel his tongue slide against the wet folds of your pussy, making your voice cry out involuntarily. Normally people would urge you to be quiet, but you got the feeling he didn't care if anyone heard you crying out for him. You get a second wave of intuition telling you he might even like it. 

A sensation of bliss washes over you as he sucks hungrily at your cunt. It feels good enough to be holy. There's such immense expertise in it that you can't help but succumb to it completely. The warm, heavy muscle gliding over sticky folds.

You're so lost in the pleasure, your mind completely blocks out the intrusion. The sense that would detect another person in the room disappears completely. You only know because of Getou, the way he stops and scoffs. It forces you to blink your eyes open. He speaks before you get the chance. 

"What are you doing here?" 

You recognize the voice instantly, and your heart drops through your stomach. 

"Thought I heard a ghost howling," Mr. Fushiguro says, his voice is rougher and deeper and older "Turn out it was just a little girl wanderin' into the woods." 

"If you can see I'm busy, why're you still here?"

You can't help but feel the second wave of overwhelming shock as you sit there, naked and unafraid. Still, they stand like nothing is wrong. Chat like they know each other somehow, but you have no idea in which way. All you can focus on is the bubbling, nauseating shame. 

"Oh god." You voice, but both others ignore. Mr.Fushiguro speaks first.

"This one is off-limits, Suguru. What kinda professor goes around fuckin' their innocent little students?"

"Just the one, Mr. Fushiguro. And I'd like to get back to business."

"Ah, no way I'm letting you off the hook. I could report this y'know? Make headlines. Ethics professor coerces student into sexual activity. It'd be big. 

Your heart drops. 

"Fuck off, would you? Does she look coerced?" 

A beat of silence. "Nah. Not with the way she's twitchin'. But it's not fun if I just let you go. How about you tap me in and I'll keep your little secret hm? She's gotta cute crush on me already."

Your heart flounces around in your chest, a muffled noise of shock escaping your lips as you squirm to move but are held, still, so firmly in place. Your expression and feelings all go through 5 stages of grief before settling at dumbfounded. They don't especially ask for your input, but you hear Professor Getou behind you.

"Fine, if it'll get you to shut up. And I'm fucking her first."

Strange. Nothing about today makes any sense. You don't miss the almost childish sense of competition in Getou's voice that changes your view of him in an instant. Humanizes him in the strangest and most unrecognizable ways. It lacks his usual virtue.

Mr. Fushiguro walks up in front of you, imposing. He's grinning, a well-worn smile on his face that you know. He helps you up, and you keep yourself upright on your arms as he grabs your chin with his palms. You look up at him wide-eyed, unsure of what to do.

"Dirty fucking girl aren't ya?" He says, though he almost sounds like he's impressed with himself 

"You into older men or is it a coincidence you're screwing 'im for your grade?"

You're speechless, and you moan a little pathetically as Getou doesn't stop eating you out. This only seems to make Mr. Fushiguro even more excited. You look up at him through wet lashes, unsure of what to do.

"Don't mind either way, just curious. Guess I'm a little sad 'cause I thought your little heart eyes around me made me special," He tells you this looking down at you, eyes locked. You can tell he's just teasing you, and it makes you twitch "But I guess that's not true, is it?"

"You're different. I uhm. Well it's true at least."

"Yeah? You're just letting both of us fuck you 'cause you're like a bitch 'n heat?"

You flush. He gives you a smile and a well-meaning laugh that makes your body feel warm with heat.

"Mind if we're a little rough on you, sweetheart?"

You shake your head.

"Good. Stick your tongue out and open your mouth for me then."

You listen, oblige the instructions almost obediently. Your face is still covered with spit from before. You watch idly, intently - as Mr. Fushiguro pulls his cock out from his black pants. The loose material covers him well, but as soon as they're down past his thighs - the outline of his cock borders on intrusive. Your eyes widen, fluttering and unfocused because it's hard to think about anything while feeling such intense pleasure.

But Mr. Fushiguro is captivating as he pulls himself out for you. His cock is thick and heavy, protruding but too much that it can't stand up on its own. Weighed down by gravity, you stare at it wide-eyed. It's the size of your forearm, so thick you can't possibly imagine what it feels like.

Your heart stammers. 

"It won't fit in my mouth." You say, gasping for air as if you're already suffocating on it "You're—you're so huge."

He laughs with an edge of snark. You blink at him in complete seriousness, taken aback. He lets the tip of his cock tap the plushness of your cheek before pressing against your lips. You stare at him, almost afraid.

"Of course it'll fit," He says in confidence "Just gotta make sure you're relaxed. So relax, sweetheart, and open your mouth for me." 

Hesitantly, you open your mouth wide. You feel the corners of your lips stretch around the intrusive, thick head of Mr. Fushiguro's cock. The taste of sweat and skin is invasive and heavy, violating your senses. Just the tip and it barely fits in your mouth. You try and concentrate, sticking your tongue out and curling it around the underneath of his cock, focusing on sucking just the tip. He groans above you, a hand on the back of your head. He doesn't force you down, but you can tell by the twitch in his fingers that he wants to.

"Look at you," He says, his voice coarse with restraint and desire "You're drooling on my cock while you're professors busy eatin' your pussy. Thought you were an innocent girl, but now I don't know what to believe."

He says this as he eases more into your mouth, slowly letting you adjust. He rocks his hips back and forth until you relax. You open yourself up, trying to focus on blowing him.

But a hand comes down on your ass, hard and heavy - making you yelp. The noise is muffled but audible. A short squeal, you can't turn your head to look 

"Don't you think you two are getting too comfortable upfront without me? I'm the one who decides your grades."

"Maybe you're not doing good enough for her to care."

You can feel a strange sense of competition between them, but you're too occupied to ask about it. How do they know each other, and for what reason do they seem so automatically hostile? It bothers you, but you can't think about it too hard.

"That's not true. Her pussy is soaking fucking wet." He punctuates his words with a harsh smack against your cunt, the force rippling through your as you bend forward and choke "Almost as messy as her face."

He's quick, again, to latch himself to your clit. He flicks it with his tongue, licking it mercilessly as your brain starts to fog up with desire. Like he's trying to prove a point, you moan around Mr. Fushiguro's cock as your pleasure starts to thrum up again. The back of your legs tense, trembling as a knot begins to uncoil in your lower stomach. The cock in your mouth moves too, using the distracted moans to ease himself even deeper into the wet, arm cavern of your mouth. 

Your head feels heavy, body weak as the both of them use you to their contents. Your stomach starts to stir as a familiar feeling of euphoria claws at you. 

You cum for the first time like that, your body pressed against a wood desk - restrained and under careful watch of two men. Your whole body explodes - white, hot nerves fraying off and ricocheting off your ribs inside of you. Your insides shake as the wave of an orgasm washes over your entire body. You gasp, clenching down hard and gasping as tremors of orgasm pulse and push through your whole body. Something in you ignites as you grip the edge of the desk for your life, trying to keep yourself upright as Getou pushes you through the orgasm. 

You've barely recovered when Mr. Fushiguros pulls out of your mouth, pressing his spit-soaked cock against your face and cheeks with a smile. You let it slide against your tongue, eyes fluttering open as your face gets covered in precum and saliva. 

"You look so fucking filthy right now, you know that? But it looks good on you. I'm dying to fuck you." 

"Mr. Fushiguro," You groan. He clicks his teeth. 

"Toji's just fine sweetheart." 

You whimper helplessly as you ride out your high. Behind you, your professor pulls away. You peek behind you to see him, flush as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. 

Toji looks down at your frazzled expression with a grin, teeth showing as he cups your jaw a second time and slides his cock back in one go. This time, he pushes his cock in the base - keeping your throat around him with a hand on the back of your head. 

"Just focus on me for now, baby. Focus on sucking me off, yeah? Just like that, easy easy. He's gonna open you up. Stretch you nice and make your pussy all sloppy. That's what you want right?" 

Getou leans over you, the weight of his body looming as you feel slender fingers slide through your sticky folds. His middle and index brush against your abused clit, rubbing a few circles into it before pulling away. He grabs your arms and positions them behind your back, gripping them in one hand to keep you restrained. You squirm against the gesture, unable to get any leeway as he holds you down. Then you feel his fingers move, middle finger catching on your wet hole as it trembles and sticks. He opens you up like this without any warning. 

His middle finger goes first - delicately intrusive as your pussy widens to accommodate him. They're so much bigger than yours. Just one feels like two of your own. You push back out of instinct but Getou doesn't let you move. He buries himself, pushing in and out until he's able to fuck your pussy all the way down to the knuckle. Once there's no longer any resistance, he pulls back and makes room for another. The sensation is duller, lets you clear your head and think even as Toji rubs his cock on your face and fucks your mouth in short ruts. 

Not enough to make you choke, but enough to smear something hot and nasty all over you. 

Professor Getou repeats the process with his pointer, pushing and stretching and opening until you can't fight it anymore. With two fingers, he scissors them trying to make your insides soft enough for him to take you. 

"You're stretching out for me like it's nothing. You must be turned on, hm? Like getting all your holes used like this? Getting your face-fucked by a man old enough to be your father?" 

Toji laughs harshly, smacking your face lightly, enough it doesn't hurt but enough to make you feel it. 

"She loves it. She's clenching down on you tight ain't she?" 

"Sure is. All this for a grade. Maybe I should've bullied you about it a little more first. Since you're so eager." 

"Gonna give her extra credit for this?"

"I should deduct points for the fact you're even near here."

He laughs good-naturedly at this point, and you're still having trouble making sense of their relationship. You manage to speak for the first time in forever, voice barely there as you go to question them. You're not expecting any solid answers. 

"How do you two know each other?" You ask, before Toji starts fucking your mouth again 

"Goes a long way back. And we're still on bad terms, so congrats on bringing us together, sweetheart. Kind of an expected reunion really." 

"He's been working here since Professor Gojo and I were students here and we knew him from before. A long story. Don't worry your pretty little head about it." 

The burning question is quick to fade out of your mind as you feel your professor's clothed bulge rest against your cunt. You moan, a clipped needy sound as you nearly beg him to fuck you. Toji bends over you this time, reaching back to spread your pussy open by grabbing your ass. You can feel the grip of his hands, strong and assured. 

"She's gettin' impatient. Give it to her." 

"Don't need your help with that." Getou spits, irritation sounding in his words. 

"Consider it an apology." 

The air of tension is there temporarily, before Getou pulls his cock from the confines of his boxers. You can't see it, eyes squeezed tight as you work your mouth and tongue Toji's length. You can feel it though. He makes a show of rubbing his cock against your puffy, sore cunt. You get a feel for its shape as he pushes it between your thighs and lets it cling in between your lips. Professor Getou's cock is longer and more narrow, but it curves upright. It's hard, throbbing between your legs. Whining helplessly you wiggle your ass again. You feel increasingly restless about needing something inside of you. You're still bound though, completely and utterly unable to move. Toji's hand comes down heavy on your ass as you do, clicking his teeth in faux irritation. 

"Don't fucking move unless you want my handmark on your ass forever," He says, his voice cool and forgiving "Impatient." 

Getou must feel something inside of him merciful enough to keep you waiting. Even with all the stretching and prep, the minute you feel the head of your cock push through - something inside of you snaps. It's still so big, still too much, still reaches a part of you so deep you didn't know it was there. The position itself - still being on your stomach, makes it reach so much farther than other positions. The raw, skin-to-skin contact leaves your tummy fluttering, skin prickling with heat. Your top is pushed up enough to expose your lower back and your skin is pulsing. You feel like your whole body is on fire, suspended between men so much older than that want nothing more than to fuck you.

Every time you try to wiggle away from the sensations, Toji's hand comes down heavy on your backside. It doesn't matter how minuscule the movement. If he gets the idea that you're going to try and pull away, he spanks you hard enough that the room echoes with the sound. Your skin tingles, phantom sensation left before as you're held open and made to take your professor's cock - obedient and wanting. 

Inch by miserable inch, it takes forever to take him down to the base. Your toes curl, eyes shut and mouth sloppily trying to keep up with the cock in your mouth and just barely succeeding. 

He groans behind you, shuddering 

"That's incredible," He praises, and it feels so good to hear him saying something so overtly kind you don't know if you want to laugh or cry "Your pussy is fucking incredible. Shit."

"You hear that? You gotta. Pussy's twitchin' like crazy. Ass is too, how cute." 

"Feels sho good," You slur, brain clear of any and all rational thought as a string of saliva drips down your chin "Please fuck me, please,"

"You heard her teach."

Toji lets go of you and returns back to where you are. He pulls his cock away from you, instead holding you up and cupping your mouth open. He kisses you, after everything - with all of his pre-spend in your mouth before spitting into it harshly and kissing it again.

"Such a pretty face you're makin' right now." He says, something of a warm and unprecedented affection to it "So excited to get your pussy filled up."

He leans you on him, lets you wrap around his midriff, and squeeze tight while he pets the back of your hair in a strange streak of affection. You don't know what to make of anything. All you can feel is the long cock pounding into you without any mercy. Razor-sharp thrusts, nudging against your swollen g-spot and pounding into your cunt with immeasurable force. A man so much older than you is fucking you, pounding your pretty little pussy, and turning you into a complete mess. He's meant to be a mentor to you, but he has his cock imprinting itself inside of you over and over and over.

Your stomach feels hot again, but some other feeling takes you over as Toji cradles you - watching you just as intently. He talks you through with confidence you can't entirely understand.

"Yeah, that's it. Tighten up for him, just like that. Feels good doesn't it? I know baby, I know."

You whine out in Toji's arms as he talks you through it. Behind you, you feel Getou's grip hold you tight as he pistons you. The sound of his thighs smacking against your ass is noisy, almost as noisy as your pussy. Slick wet, sounding each time he thrusts.

"I'm not gonna last like this, shit." He pumps into you a few more types before his hips stutter to a halt. He cums with his cock buried deep inside of you, filling you all the way to the brim. You feel his white, hot seed fill your belly, cock twitching as he unloads and makes your legs shake.

A sense of emptiness overwhelms you as Getou pulls out, landing a hit on your ass as he shakes. He kisses your spine. 

The two of them switch places without communicating with each other about it. Getou pulls out, and away - coming back in front of you and picking you up in his arms as Toji positions himself behind you. He spreads your cunt out with his fingers, examining the seed left over with a light laugh. 

"Gonna fuck into your sloppy little cunt, give you another load where you need it and make you cum." Toji says, not hesitating at all. You feel your breathing start to quicken as he takes the same positions as before. 

Toji doesn't neglect touching you as his arm curls around your waist, calloused fingertips brushing against your clit before his cock pushes into you. Your pussy takes him much easier, but even so - Toji is just so thick, you can't help but feel him all over again. This time, Getou has you in his arms, holding and guiding you. Your hands are curled around his bicep and lower spine as you're held up. 

Toji's thrusts are slower, but just as rhythmic - focused on bringing you to another orgasm. It's duller this time, the sensation more focused and spread. Toji is so big you feel it in your hips, your entire lower half tingling as he pumps his cock in and out of you. He gives you all of his attention, staving off his own orgasm as Getou encourages you with his own words. 

"Gonna cum again, pretty? Take another man's cum in you right after me? You want to, right? Take it all in, every drop. You've earned it."

You feel your insides tighten again, for a second time - in a miraculous span. Every muscle in your body tenses and contracts as both sensations work in tandem to bring you closer to your edge. 

Your nerves fire off a second time as you push yourself to the limit. Toji fucks you through another orgasm with ease, thrusting with each tremor until you've ridden out your high. His own orgasm and chase come not long after that fact. 

As soon as you've gone totally limp underneath him, he sheaths himself as deep as he can. Bent over you, he cums hard and deep, filling you to the brim a second time.

There's a brief moment of silence as Toji rides out his high, where all three of you sit in silence.

You find yourself limp as you lay there, Toji pulling out and Getou slowly letting you down before you look up with a tired expression. 

"...So, did I pass?"

Your professor laughs harder than you've ever seen him laugh.

"With flying colors."

[sitp-recs]

(Perfect artwork for Modern Love, by @cambiodipolvere)

Today is the day of one of my favorite people! And I totally resent @tackytigerfic and Starry for almost sharing the same birthday, god the STRESS 😂 Tacky is my first and closest fandom friend. We clicked together so fast and easy that sometimes it feels like I’ve known her all my life, like we’re two dog moms living in the same neighborhood who happen to read fic in their free time. Despite our conflicting time zones and crazy schedules we manage to chat every other day, tagging and sending each other all kinds of stuff, coming together to cry scream about a brilliant fic we’ve just read or shaking our heads in embarrassment at every other unnecessary bullshit post. Tacky’s bright and wise energy uplifts my spirit even on my moody days, and makes me grateful for her friendship and for this fandom life. Okay so this got long and I had to put the rest under the cut:

It’s such a lovely and precious thing, to have someone with whom you can share every single thought that crosses your mind, your scariest, most embarrassing, petty or disturbing idea, without fear of being shamed or judged by it. I trust Tacky with all my heart to hear me out, share a joke or a piece of advice, even on the (rare) occasions when we don’t get the same perspective - that doesn’t happen often when it comes to Drarry, as we are taste twins!

Tacky my darling, you’re such a good person, and such an incredible friend. Thank you for introducing me to this lovely community, for being my safe haven and your unique self, with so many qualities I admire and feel inspired by: kind, witty, earnest, wise, and so very human. I love your humour and empathy, and your chill yet no-nonsense personality; I love your talent and how articulated you are; I love your passion for Drarry, and how you let this emotion inform the way you navigate the fandom and create for it. And god, but you’ve been creating some of the most beautiful content I’ve seen in these recent years! I’m permanently in awe of your ability to write Drarry in any shape, format or length, transforming even the most ordinary moment into an extraordinary and meaningful piece of character or relationship development. You know how you mentioned yesterday that some authors change the way you feel about a ship in a deep, definitive way? Well, you are that author for me. Your works made me fall in love with M-rated contemplative romance, and also allowed me to fall in love with Harry in a way I never thought it was possible before.

Some people - myself included - got to know you through the fun and intriguing A Lick and a Promise, others through the atmospheric and sensitive Modern Love, others through your contemplative and heartbreaking short form. Each story has its merits and purpose, and all of them share a Tacky trademark: the heartkick factor! Your talent has no limits and goes across different genres and tropes, that you explore with a bold twist full of personality and heart. And even more impressive is your consistency at always raising the bar - every new fic of yours becomes an instant fave and makes me think “wow I thought Tacky couldn’t get better yet here we are”. Seeing how your writing evolves as you find your narrative voice is a beautiful and humbling experience, I feel so lucky!

I’m really grateful for being active in the fandom at this moment in time, because that allows me to read and engage with your brilliant work, and to have you as a dear friend. I can’t wait to see what comes out of your beautiful brain next. It was an impossible job choosing a single fic to rec today, so I decided to do a belated Tacky reclist! Naturally these are my personal and biased must-reads, and I urge everyone to go check these beauties right now. Feel free to include your own favorites too, and don’t forget to leave them some appreciation.

Happy happy birthday my darling Tacky! This fandom life wouldn’t be the same without you. I hope you have the amazing day you deserve!

Between the Power Lines (2020, M, 3.2k)

The road trip fic you didn’t know you needed. I got utterly immersed in the heartbreaking quietness of this, feeling like a witness to an ordinary yet poignant love story. Such tender intimacy, such character development, such lovely American aesthetics with barely any dialogue. This is, IMO, the fic that reveals Tacky’s triumph in storytelling.

Even the Night (2020, M, 3.4k)

This fic has a surreal atmosphere, those Midsummer vibes unbelievably sexy and intoxicating linked to the sensorial experience of fumbling together in the night. Masterclass in tension building, a silky and languid dream-like affair.

Aim for my Heart (2021, M, 3.4k) - Harry/Draco/Ron

One of the most sensitive and stunning portraits I’ve ever seen of a poly/triad relationship, this fic packs so much character and longing! It’s a privilege to watch Ron and Draco’s tentative dynamics through the smitten eyes of the one person that loves them like no one else: Harry.

The Long Fall (2021, M, 3.6k)

I can’t even write about this tender domesticity without getting a lump in my throat. Best opening scene I’ve read in years, and a refreshing way to approach both mpreg and parenthood, painfully honest and lovely. This became an immediate comfort read for me, and it’s probably one of the fics I revisit the most.

Mortal Frame (2021, M, 6.6k)

This thrilling, fast-paced spy story left me breathless since the first paragraph, gods what an immersive ride! I’m so here for Drarry on the run, sharp and urgent with danger but mellowed by the silent trust and tender intimacy only Tacky can master. Major bonus points for the brilliant take on the Horcrux hunt plot line!

Last Offices (2020, M, 6.7k)

Oh, this fic 💔 I tend to avoid MCD but there’s something so deeply fascinating about body washing rituals that I caught myself mesmerized by this. I just couldn’t put it down, so emotionally compromised I felt. There’s a sort of strange comfort in the heartbreak of doing one last act of service out of devotion to someone. This fic inspired so many difficult but lovely feelings in me, and one of them was hope. Only Tacky could possibly achieve that!

Our Little Life (2020, M, 7.2k)

Inventive and singular, this story hit me straight on the solar plexus and left me speechless as I saw the (clever, magical and bittersweet) plot unravel. Such a fabulous take on alternate universes and all the angst potential behind it. Come and bask in the yearning melancholia of a short yet intricate and perfectly executed plot.

And One to Play (2019, E, 21k)

What a fun and delightful fic, I can’t have enough of pining Harry losing all sense of propriety when faced with a hot, competent and pragmatic Draco. This has fab dynamics, unhinged protectiveness, even more unhinged attraction between two idiots who can’t keep their hands off each other. A must-read for any Auror partners fan!

A Lick and a Promise (2019, E, 55k)

Hot, BAMF Professors carefully balancing a fuck buddies situation while solving a Hogwarts mystery, do we need anything else? I certainly do not. This fic is so fun and intriguing and immersive, with amazing supportive cast and a delicious get together feat secret shagging and oblivious pining. Love it!

Modern Love (2020, E, 61k)

My favorite read of 2020, this fic is a love letter to Drarry and will always hold a piece of my soul. Sensitive, wistful, tenderly aching and so very romantic, this is a Muggle Draco triumph with a superb Harry, exquisite slow burn and a side of suds comfort. I promise it will be impossible to listen to Bowie again without thinking of this love story.

Bonus: five stunning drabbles!

Something in the Way (2021, T, 119 words)

“Up,” he said, and Draco, sick with love, raised his arms above his head and allowed Potter to slide the jumper on him, big hands stroking it flat over Draco’s stomach until they both shivered.

Stir-Up Sunday (2020, M, 300 words)

“I want you always,” he said, tugging again on the fine curling length of it. “Is it okay to say that?”

Whalebone Arch (2021, M, 722 words)

“Are you still not talking to me?” Draco steered Harry towards the crisps. “Do I have to suck you off in the loo to cheer you up?”

Semiplume (2021, T, 923 words)

“Did you know,” Harry murmured, and he put his arms around Draco, fearless. “I’d be your mate. If you needed a mate, I mean.”

Relic Radiation (2021, M, 927 words)

“You’ll kill me,” Harry said, and Draco turned his face towards the darkened sky, lunar pale, his profile some stupid unearthly thing—a flaring blazar, a supernova—in the light from the kitchen window.

[iturbide]

You know what? You forced me to start planning a huge post breaking down Faye, so for "revenge" I'm asking you to do one for Robin too! >:) (oh and Grima too if you want, it's always great hearing you talk about them)

MISSION: SUCCESS

but I will take this vengeance challenge starting with my boy

How do I feel about this character?

Look.  Robin has been my Summoner Support character since the day the system launched.  He’s maxed out on dragonflowers at 15.  I sacrificed a 5-star exclusive dagger with a high-rarity and very potent A passive to him over any other possible unit I could have given it to.  I have written just shy of 500k words of Awakening fanfiction in which Robin is a central figure in every story. 

I kind of love Robin a lot.  That may, in fact, be an understatement for my feelings.

Who do I ship this character with romantically?

Theoretically I could ship just about anyone with Robin (with a few exceptions *coughFrederickcough*) but my big ones are Chrom (naturally) and Sumia!  Those two are the ones I most enjoy seeing Robin with since I think they play off one another in really enjoyable ways -- and it’s even better when it’s all three of them together!

Who is my brOTP for this character?

Lissa.  I LOVE Robin and Lissa as best friends and confidantes who can tease each other but will always, always have each other’s backs.  Robin and Henry being super tight as siblings is another favorite dynamic, Robin and Sully is right up there with Robin and Lissa, and when I’m not shipping them Robin and Sumia as best book buddies is near and dear to my heart.  Also Gaius, Libra, Panne, and Kellam -- I love Robin and Kellam bonding so much it does my heart good (which is why so many of these relationships are, in fact, integral to Future Built).

What’s my Unpopular Opinion™ about this character?

oh boy I have a million of these haha but the biggest one that really is an unpopular opinion is that Robin is proud of their Plegian heritage and would never EVER forsake it.  I’ve seen a not insignificant amount of fanart that puts Robin into clothing that’s clearly Ylissean in cut, style, and/or pattern, and this drives me up the wall because Robin is canonically one of our very few characters of Plegian heritage, someone who goes around throughout the entire game in a coat that bears the literal emblem of Grima in the eye-patterned sleeves -- something that’s preserved in their Grandmaster class, no less, rather than quietly done away with.  That coat is clearly important to them, and deep down -- even with all their memories buried out of direct reach -- I think their cultural heritage as a Plegian is of the utmost importance to them, such that they would only go without some show or sign or it if they were forced to do so. 

Basically, in my personal opinion, Robin should always have Plegian touches in whatever they wear but ESPECIALLY if it’s otherwise Ylissean in appearance.  Erasing Robin’s Plegian heritage is really gross to me personally, and funny enough, even IntSys didn’t do that for once, so fandom should really have no excuse.

What’s one thing I wish would have happened with this character in canon?

For Robin?  Either meeting their mom should she still be alive, or at least getting back their memories.  It does make sense that Robin started the game as an amnesiac because it let us learn through them, and made a lot of the revelations really pack a punch -- but after a certain point?  I really, really wish that Robin’s memories would have come back to them so that we could find out more of who they were before and what their experiences had been.  Even before a full return of those memories, they could have done simple things, stuff like reactions based on muscle memory or reflexive training that surprise them sometimes, or stated feelings of deja vu -- but later in the game (and supports) I really wish they would have give us something that tells us more about their life; what would be especially nice is if those returning memories involve Grimleal rituals or teachings, because I think it would have been really powerful to have someone we love and care for so much (as our player avatar) shining a better light on the much-maligned faith of Ylisse’s neighboring nation.

I’m very, very biased about that, though.

and BONUS: Grima time

How do I feel about this character? 

I’m pretty sure that at one point, if you searched up the #grima tag, mine was one of the top blogs that came up (though I’ve been getting lazy and tagging less by character lately so I’ve fallen out of there).  I’m also pretty sure that most of the people following me ended up here because of all the Grima content I started pouring out when the first one dropped in Heroes.  Grima is one of those characters who I write about exhaustively and who subtly manages to play a role in most of my Awakening fic, including the ones where they don’t physically appear (I call those Grima Sightings and frankly I would love it if people tried to spot them). 

...I think Grima has just taken over a part of my brain and to be perfectly honest I’m okay with that.

Who do I ship this character with romantically? 

Emmeryn.  That’s it.  That’s the only character I have ever or frankly will ever ship Grima with because that was already something that came out of left field I literally cannot imagine anyone else managing to spark the same reaction a second time.

Who is my brOTP for this character? 

Robin, honestly.  I love the idea of Robin and Grima interactions where the two end up becoming close as friends and confidantes, regardless of the situation.  Is it kind of heartbreaking when it’s the whole “Grima’s in control and Robin’s in the backseat” situation?  Undoubtedly, but it’s also really moving to consider that they might learn how to work together and help each other and work toward a shared purpose. 

And also Grima getting parenting advice from Robin in Heroes during the early days of the creche is A+++ in my opinion.

What’s my Unpopular Opinion™ about this character? 

Aside from the idea that Grima is in fact the most parental of dragons and broods in the literal chicken sense or my giant conspiracy theory that Grima came to the past to do the same thing Lucina did (avert the ruined future)?  It’s probably that Grima is not an instigator of conflict or chaos: they’re antisocial and would prefer to distance themselves for the sake of having some peace and quiet rather than getting dragged into yet more conflict based on human preconceptions or judgments based on appearance. 

Fandom at large loves to play Grima as unrelenting evil and constantly in competition with the Awakening folks (especially the Exalted lineage) but...that doesn’t make any sense to me personally?  Grima hasn’t really asked for anything that’s happened to them: they’ve been used and abused by humanity by their own admission, and Validar is just the latest in the line to do the same, causing unspeakable harm for the sole purpose of raising Grima to destroy the world at his own bidding.  Yeah, maybe Grima doesn’t have the best feelings toward the Exalted Lineage, but also why would Grima be the one picking the fight?  If you mess with Grima the Fell Dragon will step up (Vengeful Fighter is their innate B passive in Heroes, quite likely for a reason), but I really don’t see them going out of their way to cause trouble.  They just want to be left in peace, but humans really don’t seem to get that.  Yes, the fanart can be funny, but it also rings false to me, because I really think Grima would just flat-out ignore the Exalted lineage unless they make the confrontation, at which point Grima won’t hold back.

What’s one thing I wish would have happened with this character in canon? 

First of all I really do wish we could have seen a peaceful resolution with Grima rather than having to destroy them, especially considering that the Fell Dragon really didn’t seem all that interested in hurting anybody even after raising the dragon form (see the aforementioned conspiracy theory).  Grima has been hurt so many times throughout their life that I think it would have been deeply meaningful if we could have reached out in an attempt at understanding, to have come to a non-violent resolution, and found peace without someone needing to die for once.  When Grima purposefully abstains from nuking the group that poses a threat to their life upon resurrecting their impossibly huge and powerful dragon form and instead flies out over the ocean -- so far they need Naga herself to teleport them -- it kind of says a lot about how much Grima really wants to fight (answer: they clearly don’t).

Other than that, though?  Just...give us more of Grima in general.  Tell us more about their history, especially the thousand years between their emergence from Thabes Labyrinth and their fall at the hands of the First Exalt.  I want to know more of that history, I want to see how they treated the humans that flocked to them, even knowing that those same humans would eventually break Grima’s spirit.  We just have so few crumbs about Grima, I want more than anything to get a meal instead.

Give Me a Character

[panharmonium]

Hey, do you ship merthur? I have conflicted feelings about it because Merlin does love Arthur but also their relationship is kinda shitty.

short answer: i do not

longer answer: i might not be the right person to ask about this, because i don’t really “ship” anything?  it’s not how i engage with fandom.  (disclaimer: this is not a value judgment of folks who do engage with fandom that way.  just an explanation of how my own brain works.)

extra long answer: under the cut, because i suppose it was only a matter of time before someone asked me about merlin/arthur, and i might as well put my entire response in one place so that next time, i can just link to it.

questions like this are a little tough for me to answer, because i am completely uninterested in romance as a premise.  if it’s not there, i don’t care.  if it is there, i often wish it weren’t, because it’s almost never developed in a way that lives up to my standards.  i don’t always mind if something contains romantic relationships (provided they’re written well), but i don’t want them to be the point of a story.  i honestly cannot think of anything less interesting to me than a story that has as its main plotline “x character falls in love with y character.”  for me, in my brain, it’s like, “okay...that’s it?  do you have anything else to say?”  there is literally nothing about that that i care about.

this can be a little difficult to navigate in fandom, because one of the oft-heard commendations of “fandom” is ‘gosh, fandom is so wonderful, we can watch the same two characters fall in love again and again and again in a million different scenarios!’  which is true, for the people who care about that sort of thing, but that’s not actually ‘fandom.’  that’s shipping.  and there’s nothing wrong with shipping, but shipping and fandom are not the same thing, and they’ve become so conflated that it can be very difficult to engage in the latter without being absolutely swamped by the former.

many times, for me, fandom can feel synonymous with shipping.  there was a post i reblogged recently whose tags described shipping as often feeling like a prerequisite to engaging with fandom, and that is often what it feels like to me, particularly in fandoms where one ship is so ubiquitous that any and all other material is utterly dwarfed by it in scale.  (for me, my last two major fandoms have been merlin and teen wolf, so - i’m sure you see my dilemma, heh.)

all of that said, in terms of arthur and merlin specifically...

disclaimer: everything i say here is relevant to me only.  these are my own feelings.  i am making this post on my own blog, in my own space, in response to a question about my own thoughts.  i do not want, expect, or need anyone else to share these thoughts.  any commentary i make about fandom trends is not equivalent to condemnations of individual people’s opinions or shipping habits.  i do not mind or take issue with folks who ship these two characters.  i am glad you are having fun.  please do not @ me about something you disagree with.  i promise you it is not necessary.

okay.  with that out of the way.  

part of me is reluctant to expound further on this question, because my personal philosophy is that merlin and arthur as a ship have had more than enough time and space devoted to them in this fandom (way more than their share, frankly) and i generally prefer to focus on merlin and the other people in his life, as a deliberate counter to that.  but, since you asked, and because i have been experiencing the “i’m tired of romance” bug more strongly lately, here is the long-form version.

the number one reason why i don’t ship arthur and merlin is what i already outlined above: i don’t really “ship” anything.  i have never looked at two characters who were not already together/on an obvious potential path to being together and said “i want them to fall in love.”  that has just never happened to me.  (again - it’s not a BAD thing to have this happen, it’s just not something that’s ever happened to me.  i can’t relate to the experience.)

therefore, when i do appreciate a romantic relationship, it’s pretty much always because canon has shown me something romantic (or clearly pre-romantic) that i find to be well-written and compelling.  (it’s rare - as i outlined before, i would usually rather not deal with romance at all - but it happens.)  

arthur and merlin, then, never had that effect on me, because arthur and merlin, as depicted in the canon, are not in love.

[to anybody reading this who just snatched up their keyboard and started furiously typing, i beg you - please go back and re-read my disclaimer.]

they’re not in love.  the truth about these two is that if i had watched this show without having grown up in fandom as a culture (and without knowing exactly what kind of ships fandom immediately sees EVERYWHERE) the idea of anybody shipping these two together would never have even entered my mind.

(and like.  because i DID grow up in fandom, and i DO know exactly what kind of ships fandom sees everywhere, i knew before i even started this show that arthur/merlin was going to be an inescapable thing.  but that would not have been the case, if i had watched the series in a world where i didn’t know what fandom was.)

arthur and merlin, in canon, are not in love.  the show never does anything to give me an inkling that either of them are harboring romantic feelings for each other.  that is never what is happening onscreen.  literally the last thing on merlin’s agenda is romantic attachment, ever, and arthur is never, ever shown to be in love with anyone who isn’t gwen.  the show, onscreen, never tricks me, teases me, or leads me on.  i was never under the impression that merlin and arthur were in love with each other, because they weren’t.

but that DOES NOT MEAN their relationship matters less.  just because they aren’t IN love with each other doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, and one of those things is not bigger or better or more powerful than the other.

i struggle a lot in fandom (all fandom, not just merlin) with the persistent idea that romantic attachment is the peak, the natural endpoint on a scale of “how deep is your love?”  i am constantly running up against posts where the commonly accepted structure is to cite a moment of devotion or caring or some instance of basic connection between two characters, and then add a caption or tag saying ‘because they are JUST FRIENDS, right?’ or ‘^^totally platonic interaction between characters who are not at all in love, sure jan.’  

and honestly?  i hate that.  that is one of my least favorite things about fandom.  it makes me so tired.  

i am completely disconnected from this idea that there are like...things you can do that are too caring to count as friendship.  like - that there is too much devotion you can show, and if you go over the limit, then it’s laughable that you would do those things for “just” a friend.  that’s so unpleasant to me.

(and i do think [when it comes to non-canon queer ships, anyway - straight ships unfortunately have no excuse, sorry y’all] that part of this probably has its roots in pushback at the tendency of people who try to “gal pal” actual queer ships (or literal real life relationships), so this, at least, is something i can understand.  i’m queer myself; i get that.  and that is why i will never like - attach myself to someone’s post and start complaining.  people can vent however they want.)

it doesn’t change my own feelings, though.  i hate seeing every meaningful friendship i’ve ever been invested in talked about like it’s just a romance in disguise.

other things: i am uninterested in romance as a motivator.  

truly, from the bottom of my heart, i don’t care.

we are, at least in my corner of the world, oversaturated with romance, to the point where any piece of media that doesn’t include it in some fashion is shockingly bizarre.  it is EVERYWHERE.  it is in EVERYTHING.  i cannot pick up a book without running into a romantic plotline.  i cannot watch a movie or a tv show without being forced into multiple romances that i don’t care about.  (rare exceptions apply, as always, but i’m speaking generally.)

this oversaturation, for me, means that romance as a storyline no longer holds any meaning for me.  i see it EVERYWHERE.  it is in literally EVERYTHING.  making merlin into a “love story,” for me, makes the show so much less interesting, because there are billions of love stories out there.  love stories are practically the only kind of story our media remembers how to tell!  why would i take a story that is so unique in its exploration of deep friendship (that isn’t even quite friendship, because it’s not real, but merlin wants it to be real, but making it real would also destroy it) and loyalty (that isn’t necessarily deserved, but is still offered, but is damaging to the person offering it) and love (that exists in spite of arthur’s position as the oppressor, but still cannot erase merlin’s oppression, and is patently not a magical fix for the very real problems merlin is facing), and then want to water it down to “and then they fell in love”???

merlin bbc has so much to say about the transformative, redemptive power of love (not just romance), and the bonds we form with each other despite the fact that we don’t always deserve each other, and what we can do to make ourselves better, and how do we make amends for the ways in which we hurt the people we care about, and it is so complicated and there is so much beauty there and i adore it specifically because it is one of the rare pieces of media out there that doesn’t prop up romantic love as the most important and powerful force in the universe.  romantic love is not what moves the story.  merlin’s love for the people around him is based on compassion.  it’s bigger than the familiar and overused ‘i am desperately in love with this one individual person and that’s what drives my actions,” which is a premise all of us know has been done to death.  merlin’s love is not about romantic attachment.  it’s a deep, abiding love for humanity.  it’s based on hope, and faith, and the inherent belief that everybody matters, even in their worst moments.

condensing that kind of story into “and then they fell in love” erases its meaning for me.  it makes it trite.  uninteresting.  i have seen “and then they fell in love” fully sixty thousand times.  “and then they fell in love” has been done so often that it is utterly devoid of power for me.  boring.   i literally do not care.

other people might feel differently, and find a romantic love story compelling.  i don’t.  

i’m guessing the message that prompted this essay is asking me to evaluate how i feel about the “goodness” of the merlin/arthur ship, aka whether it’s worthwhile to ship it or not based on how healthy/unhealthy it is, which i definitely can’t answer, because i don’t think whether it’s “good” or not really matters.  i am definitely too old to be riding the newer wave of, uh...idk, purity culture type stuff that is so oft-debated on here, lately.

but you’re absolutely right, anon - merlin and arthur’s relationship IS kinda shitty!  it 100% is.  it doesn’t mean you can’t ship them, though, if you want; otherwise i wouldn’t be invested in any aspect of their friendship, either.  

the fact that merlin and arthur’s relationship is kinda shitty is an essential element of the show; it’s the microcosmic representation of the macrocosmic problem merlin is trying to solve, and even with that being the case, we can see clearly that this also doesn’t preclude them from having real moments of connection and care and love.  this is the contradiction i have to keep in mind whenever i engage with them in the friendship sense - merlin has been wronged by arthur in so many ways, and yet he still loves him and believes arthur can do better, and yet his dedication to arthur really does destroy his life piece by piece, and you really have to walk a line between those extremes and be thinking: in what ways was this a noble, honorable path for merlin to take and in what ways was this damaging, and was it all worth it in the end?

we probably wouldn’t still be watching this show if we didn’t ultimately think the answer to that last question was yes.  but there are also equally valid ways in which the answer is, truthfully, no, and i think really the only important thing when dealing with merlin and arthur’s relationship (in whatever capacity you prefer) is to keep that dissonance in mind.

so, to more directly address your question, when it comes to my interaction with the source material, i don’t ship merlin and arthur romantically because i don’t see romance when they interact in canon, and i don’t think their relationship could be improved or made more interesting/more meaningful by adding extra-canonical romance into the mix.  that’s really it.

but the other side of things is this: even if i were granted someone else’s ship-goggles to somehow see romance between these two (eg, once, in the distant past i read a harry potter fic that was so well-constructed it sold me on a relationship i didn’t [and still don’t] actually see in canon), i still wouldn’t choose to ship merlin and arthur, and it’s not because they’re a “bad” ship (no such thing, folks - tag your stuff and let people live their lives, thank you), it’s because this fandom has already been swallowed by them and i cannot bring myself to make that imbalance worse.

trying to be in the merlin fandom without shipping merlin and arthur is just...a little bit difficult sometimes.  i think probably even people who do ship merlin/arthur are aware of that.  sometimes it can feel like merlin/arthur is a given in this fandom, not one of many options - as if you’re not in the merlin fandom, but rather the merthur fandom, and you know you really, really do not belong there.

and it’s not even a canonical ship!  it’s not even real.  and yet if you like this show, and you want to engage in the fandom, your experience is, without exception, going to be chock full of merlin/arthur content by default.

essentially, my struggle with the merlin/arthur dynamic in fandom is two-fold:

1) the strikingly imbalanced content distribution

the merlin fandom, in terms of content distribution, is a pretty accurate mirror of merlin’s own existence, to be honest, in that pretty much every aspect of it is eventually taken over by arthur pendragon, and in that there’s a reasonable debate to be had about whether or not that’s a good thing.

(spoiler alert: it’s not.)

even so, it is what it is, and as i said before, me commenting on fandom trends is not meant as a condemnation of individual preferences.  people like what they like!  that’s just how things are.  shipping arthur and merlin isn’t a Bad thing to do, by any means, and the fact that so many people do is just, you know, bad luck for me, lol.  but at the same time, the wildly unbalanced distribution of content does make it more difficult for folks who don’t ship merlin/arthur to engage in fandom with quite the same level of ease, and even though it’s nobody’s fault, it is still perfectly reasonable for people who don’t ship merlin/arthur to be frustrated about that.

fanfic is a pretty good case study for how this plays out.  i saw a post a while back that was titled something like ‘merlin bbc gothic,’ and the first bullet point was “canon ships are rarepairs,” and HOO BOY, that is true.  stats-wise, merlin/arthur makes up ⅔ of the merlin fic on AO3.  ~25,000 fics.  the next most popular tag after merlin/arthur is arthur/gwen, but arthur/gwen have ~2,900 fics in their tag.  and when you remember to exclude any instance of merlin/arthur from the arthur/gwen tag, that number drops by another thousand, to ~1,940.

that’s buckwild.  come on.  merlin/arthur has twenty-three THOUSAND more fics than the next most popular (and CANONICAL, i might add) ship?  and every other ship’s numbers are even lower than that?*

and if you don’t want to read shippy stuff in the first place, like me - the merlin “gen” tag has less than 8000 fics in it, by comparison, and then you STILL have to filter merlin/arthur out of the gen fics, leaving you with about 6300 - which number has to be filtered down further to remove OTHER ships that still make it past the gen filter.

in comparison to 25,000.

like.  i’ve been in fandom long enough that i’m not surprised - mean, i came into merlin directly off a teen wolf phase, and boy, that’s a whole other bowl of noodles right there, with added squick factors that are irrelevant here - but i’m still just...man. 

it still makes my head spin.  and it is still frustrating, every time.

*(there is a lot more to be said about how gwen fits into all of this, and i know it has been discussed more thoroughly in other places, but yes, another reason i am leery of arthur/merlin as a thing is that i’m just...not super comfortable with what that implies for gwen and her position in the story.  even if i personally am slightly more compelled by gwen/lancelot, technically - i still don’t quite feel comfortable taking gwen out of her canonical place.  she belongs at the top.  she deserves to be the love interest and she deserves to be the queen.  and like - people can say that her relationship with arthur isn’t “developed” or “convincing” enough to warrant retaining in fic, and i get it, the show really did fail gwen in S5 - but i still don’t buy that argument.  people literally INVENTED a romantic relationship for themselves and put 25,000 fics worth of effort into building it up; there is no reason why an “underdeveloped” canon romance couldn’t have gotten the same treatment.  except, of course, for the fact that one [Black, female] character was being shoved aside to make way for yet another two white dudes.)

(and i’m not saying that everyone is doing this deliberately or maliciously.  but we all know this is a cross-fandom trend.  there is literally no reason for the gap in content to be THAT wide.  a canon relationship with twenty-three thousand fewer fics than an invented ship?  just...that is a stat that bears thinking about.  it doesn’t mean that merlin/arthur is a “bad” ship, or that you can’t prefer lancelot/gwen, but it IS still important to recognize these patterns where they occur, across fandoms, and to really think about what they mean.)

2) the arthur-goggles

my second struggle with merlin/arthur in fandom is the ubiquitousness of the arthur-goggles, aka: the tendency in fandom, as in canon, to make everything in merlin’s life about arthur, and everything in the show about merthur.

this one specifically really gets to me.  i am very committed to the idea that merlin is a complete individual, whether arthur is there or not.  i write a LOT of meta about merlin being a whole person, specifically pushing back on the idea that merlin was “born” for arthur’s benefit - my motto is basically that “merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon,” and the way his life begins to revolve around arthur pendragon in later seasons is not in fact touching or romantic or beautiful; it’s a tragedy.  merlin does not exist only in the context of his relationship with arthur; he possesses worth outside of his mission to save the prince of camelot, and he was already a complete person before he ever met the prince of camelot, and one of the many issues we have to think about when dealing with arthur and merlin in any capacity is how merlin is told from the get-go that he is supposed to devote his whole life to arthur, but arthur is never given any such reciprocal responsibility.  

merlin and arthur’s relationship, just like the distribution of content in this fandom, is wildly imbalanced.  merlin spends all of his spare time thinking about arthur’s life; he ties himself in knots trying to help arthur develop as a person.  he is constantly working to keep arthur safe and happy.  but arthur, at the end of a long day, doesn’t spend his nights agonizing over how he can improve merlin’s life.  he just goes home and goes to bed.  he never once thinks, ‘my purpose on this earth is to serve and support my friend merlin.’  he is never told his life isn’t his own, that he is supposed to be one half of some two-sided coin.  only merlin is told that his entire existence is earmarked for someone else, that his life’s purpose is to be someone else’s better half.  only merlin is expected to devote his entire being to someone else’s betterment.  only merlin is expected to say demeaning, self-abnegating things like “i was born to serve you.”  

arthur, by contrast, is allowed to have a life of his own.  he is allowed to exist on his own terms.  he is never told that his worth is dependent on how well he can prop someone else up.  and while fic might like to imagine merlin being the most important thing in arthur’s life, in canon that is just not the case.  

merlin exists on his own merits, and the idea that he does everything he does just because “he’s in love with arthur” will never sit right with me, because it’s simply not true.  merlin and arthur’s relationship is important to both of them, yes, and of course it is undergirded by deep love and care, but it is also way more complicated than that.  merlin’s investment in arthur’s life - and his grief at arthur’s death - are NOT solely driven by his love for arthur as an individual; they are inextricably bound up with a sense of obligation and duty and self-worth and, eventually, failure, because he’s been told that protecting arthur is a) the only thing that matters about his own life and b) the only way to free his people and save an entire kingdom.  and i think ignoring this very real complexity in favor of “merlin does what he does and feels what he feels because he’s in love with arthur” cheapens the depth of the story and flattens merlin’s character.

arthur-goggles automatically make everything about merlin/arthur, though.  so the difficulty, for me, with merlin/arthur as a ship, is that it can be hard to make/find things about merlin that people don’t instantly, always try to link back to arthur in some way.  merlin is not allowed to have things that are just his, and he can’t exist in a state where arthur doesn’t somehow factor in - no matter how unrelated to arthur something is, or how non-shippy it’s meant to be - there’s someone out there who’s going to loop it back to merthur in some way.

just like - scattered examples of things I’ve encountered:

all of merlin’s non-arthur love interests on AO3 having massive chunks of their ship tags actually being merthur fics, with the non-arthur ship serving solely as a stepping stone on the way to getting merlin and arthur together

readers, on fics that are specifically designated as focusing on merlin+someone else and in which arthur does not appear, leaving comments asking “so how long until arthur shows up,” “can’t wait to see arthur,” etc

meta about how ‘merlin’s time in camelot was actually really bad for him as a person’ being reblogged and modified by someone else with an addition like “but merlin doesn’t regret a second of it because he wouldn’t have known arthur if he were anywhere else,” and the OP having to reblog their own post and explain that this is literally the exact problem they were trying to critique

in fic, merlin’s friends being utilized only as vessels with whom he can have discussions about his developing relationship with arthur

etc etc

it’s not always huge egregious things, but wearing arthur-goggles means EVERYTHING comes back to merthur in some way, which for me is just...really insulting to other characters, and really limiting in terms of story analysis.  

so, for example - this is a VERY specific example that few will relate to, because i am probably the only person on here who has ever tried to search the tag for merlin’s friend will from ealdor (a niche fave of mine) - but with him, especially, it is very hard to avoid bumping into a lot of people wearing arthur-goggles, because everybody seems to imagine him as merlin’s ex, who is only upset about what’s going on in 1.10 because he’s jealous about arthur appearing alongside merlin, never mind that will and merlin have known each other since birth and have a relationship that LITERALLY predates arthur by two decades.

so with him, as an example - the other day, i saw some post in the tag that was like “will gets teary when arthur makes his inspirational speech in ealdor because he finally understands what merlin sees in arthur and he can’t be mad anymore”

and that is just patently untrue.  it is not even remotely close to a legitimate interpretation of what is happening in that scene.  will hasn’t come around to arthur’s way of thinking yet; he literally still packs his things and leaves after this happens, and he is - i mean, first of all, he’s not crying, lol, and he stalks out of that scene weary, angry, and fed up, because he thinks the village is delusional and all of his neighbors are going to get killed in the morning.  his arc - his dissatisfaction with what is going on, his anger at the ignorance arthur wields as a nobleman with all of that wealth and privilege, his resistance to the big “let’s fight kanen’s men with sticks” plan - that is about him and his history and who he is.  it is not about an (imaginary) merlin/arthur love story.  

but when the arthur-goggles are on, all roads lead to merthur.  even when the other characters in question (*coughWILLIAMcough*) would be beyond mortified to have merthur, of all things, assigned as their motivation.

SO.  now that i’ve gone over both the canon and fandom aspects of my reasoning, the succinct summary in response to your question is just that no, i don’t personally ship merlin/arthur.  because:

a) i don’t see it b) the fandom is already trying to drown me with it and i choose to center other characters out of spite c) i just think merlin deserves better lol

however, as i said in my disclaimer - that doesn’t mean other people shouldn’t ship and enjoy it!   merlin/arthur is very much not my cup of tea, but that’s no reason why other folks can’t have fun with it.  i think the best portrayals of it, probably, will be those that keep in mind exactly what you said - that merlin and arthur’s relationship is “kinda shitty” - but this is fandom, so if what folks really want to write is just lots of happy AU’s with no issues, then they should go for it!  the point of fandom is to have fun connecting with people over a shared love of something, so i am happy to let others have fun doing their thing, and i will just be over here doing mine. 🙂

[littleoldrachel]

i am burned out (i smell of smoke)

okay, look. I wasn’t gonna post this until it was FINISHED because i am trying to learn to actually finish my wips. but. the world is sorta falling apart and i hope that maybe i can help even one person feel temporarily less anxious about it all. 

i wrote this for @gumnut-logic‘s birthday and am now over a month late, so! good! (so sorry nutty, you’re so incredible at blessing us with your words, i just wanted to do something nice for you since you’re so so good to us)

my love for virgil tracy + my silent lurking in this fandom have brought this about. i never thought i’d be writing thunderbirds fanfiction and yet. here we are (my father would be so disappointed in me).

this is my first time writing these characters, as will become painfully clear. pls be nice to me, i am fragile lol. i am horribly aware that my virg is probably too ‘floppy’ as per your post, nutty, so sorry in advance! this is me whumping your boy emotionally and mentally, but i’m gonna fix him, i swear! there are five parts (i have written the first three). 

virgil is always written as being very good at taking care of his mental health, and it occurred to me that some of the best people at this have had to learn to be that way, and so I guess this is an exploration of that? anyway, have some virgil aggressively loving his family. 

brains isn’t in this and kayo isn’t much either sorryyy. oh my GOd shut up, here you go:

i am burned out (i smell of smoke) [on ao3]

summary: in which virgil falls apart, learns how to put himself back together, and realises he doesn't have to do it alone.

word count: 2.8k ish (part 1/5)

warnings: mental health issues

timeline: i suppose this is set in early TAG verse?  jeff is missing and nobody is Coping Well.

happy belated birthday, nutty!! <3

i.

He isn’t quite sure where it began. Somewhere between three back-to-back rescues, pulling a child’s body from thick, black mud, and failing to reach the scientist before smoke ravaged her lungs, a weight settles in his chest that none of his usual coping mechanisms can shift. 

To say it’s been a hard week would be an understatement, but then again, they’ve had hard weeks before. Any time a rescue mission turns into a recovery mission, they all feel it - how can they not? - but this time, this time is different. 

Perhaps it was seeing the kid’s mother break down completely at the sight of such a small corpse. Perhaps it was the abuse hurled at him and his brothers by the scientist’s girlfriend for failing to rescue her soulmate in time. Perhaps it was sheer exhaustion and pain, perhaps it was feeling ribs break under the force of his CPR efforts, perhaps it was knowing that in spite of it all, it wasn’t enough. 

It’s like he can’t quite draw a full breath. Like his throat has half-closed and tears are creeping at the back of his eyes, but neither is willing to break the damn. It’s the heaviest kind of emptiness he’s ever known. 

And so Virgil forces it away - or if not away, then at least to one side - whilst he takes care of brothers who need to talk about the horrors they have just witnessed and the fresh guilt they now bear. He’ll take care of himself later (probably) and then he’ll finally be able to shift that god-awful weight on his lungs. It’s fine. 

*

Alan is easy enough to handle; Virgil’s pedestal will never be as high as Scott’s or John’s but he’s still Alan’s big brother, and Alan feeds on reassurance and praise. Virgil knows that both Scott and John will be in later to check on their youngest too, but for now, Alan needs him. 

“You did well today, kiddo,” Virgil says, leaning against the doorframe to Alan’s suite. His littlest brother is lying flat on his back staring up at the ceiling. 

Alan blinks slowly, twists to meet his eyes. Overly-bright cornflower blues meet steady browns and Virgil catches the tremble of Alan’s lower lip with an aching heart. 

“You did, Allie.” Virgil strides across the room and has Alan scooped into a hug within seconds. “All those people are gonna wake up tomorrow because of you.”

“It doesn’t feel like enough, Virg,” whispers Alan. “So many people didn’t make it.” 

“I know.”

(The weight on his chest and struggle to breathe will never let him forget it). 

Alan sighs, rests his head on his brother’s broad chest. “I just - I keep remembering her face. When she realised I couldn’t save her. I close my eyes and she’s just - there.” He closes his eyes and digs the heels of his palms into them.

He’s so young. It’s not the first time that Virgil has had doubts about forcing this responsibility on a teenager, but it is the first time Alan’s watched someone die in his arms and none of Virgil’s carefully crafted words will change that. Especially not now, whilst the pain is raw and jagged and demanding to be felt - no, Virgil and his brothers will be helping him to untangle this over the next few weeks.

“Wanna play something?” he asks instead. 

The response is less enthusiastic than usual, but soon Alan has a fragile smile on his lips as he thrashes Virgil’s Princess Peach with Waluigi (and so what if Virgil deliberately chooses the tracks he knows he’s shit at just to make Alan chuckle when he falls off Rainbow Road again?). 

*

His water-loving brother won’t be so easy (though of course, there’s nothing easy about watching someone so young trying to carry the weight of the world). Still, Gordon is at least predictable in his frustrated misery and rolls his eyes as he sees Virgil coming towards the pool with a towel in hand. 

“I’m not in the mood, Virg,” he calls, before hurling himself underwater and sinking to the bottom of the pool. 

It’s Virgil’s turn to roll his eyes, but he kicks off his shoes, sits on the poolside and dangles bare feet into the water, waiting. When Gordon finally emerges from the water, annoyance flickers across his face at the sight of his waiting brother, and he turns, kicking away from Virgil with a powerful breaststroke. 

Virgil waits until Gordon’s swum four lengths before speaking. “How are you doing?”

Gordon’s perfect rhythm barely falters as he grabs his brother’s leg and yanks, pulling Virgil into the pool and immediately swimming away. Virgil shakes the water from his hair, internally cursing his stubborn-ass younger brother and treads water until Gordon reaches his end of the pool again. 

“How many lengths is that?”

Gordon ignores him, switching fluidly into butterfly stroke and splashing away from him once more. 

Virgil can’t help but sigh; his limbs are aching and his chest is heavy and he wants nothing more than to curl up in bed. But his younger brother is hurting - emotionally, sure, judging by the way he’s slicing through the water like it’s done him wrong, but physically too if the minute winces are anything to go by. (And Virgil can’t stand it). 

The next time Gordon comes by, Virgil is ready. He seizes his brother around the middle, and bodily drags him to the edge of the pool. He doesn’t often use his size and strength against his brothers, but this time calls for it. Once out of the water, the fight goes out of Gordon, and he staggers, murmuring “ow, ow, ow, ow.”

“Come here, you idiot.” Virgil pulls Gordon into a shady spot by the loungers, and begins helping Gordon stretch out overworked muscles. Gordon hisses as Virgil presses down on his calf muscle. “Sorry, Gordo.”

“S’okay.” Gordon glares up at the sky. “Just stupid cramp.”

Rolling his eyes, Virgil shakes his head. “Yeah, that or the fact you’re reliving your Olympic training after having been up for forty-eight hours straight.”

“You know if you keep doing that, your face will get stuck.”

Virgil pulls a hideous face, then grins in response to Gordon’s laugh. It feels good to smile, it shifts the weight on his lungs the tiniest bit. 

“Flip over and I’ll do your back.”

“Virgil Tracy, you’re a goddamn saint,” Gordon declares, obediently flopping onto his stomach. 

There’s a pause whilst Virgil runs expert hands over the rock-like knots in Gordon’s back and Gordon melts into the mattress. When Virgil next speaks, his voice is gentle even as his hands dig in: “You know that punishing yourself isn’t going to bring them back.”

Gordon tenses then sighs. “Damnit, Virg. Can’t a guy get a massage without psychoanalysis?”

But his voice is a great deal lighter than it would have been even half an hour before.

*

His wrists are aching by the time he drags himself out to the cliff edge where Kayo likes to perch. 

His brothers have different uses for this particular stretch of rock: Scott likes to end his morning runs here by stretching in the breeze off the waters. For John, it’s a spectacular place to stargaze, not least because it’s so very quiet and dark up here. Gordon can often be found diving off these rocks, cheered on by Alan, much to the constant stress of their oldest brother, who attributes more than seventy percent of his grey hairs to this cause. 

For Kayo, it’s a watchpost. Her stormy eyes skim the horizon for non-existent threats, calculating, calm, controlled. And after a bad rescue (or three), she sits and waits for hours at a time, gazing into choppy waves and brilliant sunsets with the loneliest eyes Virgil has ever seen. He’s supposed to sit with Kayo in silence until she tells him what she needs from him, be it a hug, his presence, or just distance. 

This time, she makes it clear the moment he pads towards her, fading into the rocks like she was never even there. Distance, then.

*

John is possibly the hardest to handle of all his siblings, purely because he’s the hardest to get a hold of. John knows Virgil’s antics only too well, knows that a meaningful conversation about how he feels is coming, and has therefore made himself scarce. 

 Virgil sighs as John misses (read: rejects) his third call in a row. Two can play at that game, Jonny.

Instead, he dials straight through to EOS. 

She answers him immediately, as usual. “Virgil. I have been anticipating your call.”

“You have?”

“You have all had unsuccessful missions. You always call after missions with a body count.”

Virgil swallows, fresh guilt rising in his throat, and forces it back down. 

“Please can you put me through to John, EOS?”

“Of course, Virgil.”

Silence for a second, and then John’s hologram appears. His red-headed brother is studiously avoiding eye contact, hands darting over controls in an anxious pattern.

“This isn’t a good time, Virgil, I’m busy rerouting some calls to local emergency services, and-”

“John.”

“-and there’s a call from Tehran that really needs me, so if that’s all-”

“John.”

Silence. 

“How long since you last ate?” 

John’s eyes meet Virgil’s and he looks away at once. “Uh… this morning?”

“Negative,” EOS chimes in, “last intake was twenty-six hours ago.”

John’s jaw clenches. “Thanks, EOS.”

“John, you need to eat.”

“Smother Brother.”

“I’m serious.”

EOS pipes up again, “John also needs to rest. He has been operating for twice the recommended period of time.” 

John glowers, but says nothing.

“Don’t make me set Scott on you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

Virgil raises his eyebrows and John sighs loudly in frustration. “I will. I will. I just - thinking about food makes me feel nauseous. Like…” He swallows, looks away. “Like I’m eating mud.”

The sharp hurt in Virgil’s heart twinges violently and he wishes more than anything he could wrap John up in a bearhug and stop the world from hurting him. “What if I’m here whilst you try?” he asks softly.

Another sigh. “Fine. But only if you eat something too,” John says. “Don’t think I didn’t notice that your stomach was growling even louder than Two’s engines on the way home.”

“Smother Brother,” Virgil’s voice is hopelessly fond, even as he goes to make a sandwich that he can’t face eating (which for him, is a bad sign - he who has forced down Grandma’s inedible chilli through sheer willpower and love). The bread is hard and tasteless, the filling bitter. He chokes down a half slice, focusing instead on the fact that his younger brother is carefully chewing at his toasted bagel, eyelids heavy. Eventually, John’s shoulders slump, and his head lolls back into slumber.

His work here is done. 

Well, almost -

“Hey, EOS?”

“Yes, Virgil?” 

“Can you put that playlist I made him on a loop?”

“Of course, Virgil. Venus Bringer of Peace is now playing.”

There. 

*

His oldest brother is hurting. Virgil doesn’t need ESPN or whatever freaky connection Gordon and Alan accuse them of having to know that. 

There was a death toll, and therefore Scott will be hurting. Every life lost becomes a personal fault for the man, and nothing Virgil says or does will change that. They have this argument every two or three weeks, increasingly frequently as the months since their father’s disappearance have ticked into years. And he’s so very tired of rehashing the same words over again and again, he’s so tired of being utterly powerless against his brother’s borderline suicidal recklessness, he’s so tired of his uselessness in convincing Scott to stop treating his life like some replaceable trinket.

(So very, very tired).

And yet, Virgil stands in the doorway to his father’s office, bracing himself for yet another battle with his older brother.

Because taking care of the idealistic, brash, self-flagellating workaholic is what he does best - especially when said idealistic, brash, self-flagellating workaholic least wants it.

Scott is hunched over the desk, poring over debriefs with an almost-empty glass of something amber in his left hand. Virgil makes a mental note to re-encrypt the code to the drinks cabinet - Scott had cracked it far too quickly last time, but he doesn’t stand a chance against John…

“Hey, Scott,” he finally enters the room, but his brother doesn’t even spare him a glance. Virgil takes the seat opposite him - the one he used to sit in as his father waxed lyrical about his dream of an elite rescue organisation (it hurts) - and waits. 

After five or so minutes, Scott looks up blearily, blinking in surprise. “Virg? What are you - when did you-”

“It’s gone midnight, Scott. We agreed you wouldn’t do this anymore.”

A muscle in Scott’s jaw twitches. He’s wound tight from alcohol and stress, and it hurts Virgil to see it.  “I have to get this done.”

“Not at one am, you don’t.”

“Don’t start, Virg, you know debriefs are essential - you know I have to - to -”

“To what?” 

“What?”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you have to get done? What’s so important that it can’t wait till you’ve at least slept?”

Scott breaks - quicker than usual (thank you, whiskey) which is a relief, because Virgil’s energy is down to its last droplets; hell, it’ll be a miracle if he even makes it to his room after this. 

“To figure out where we fucked up! To explain to the fire services that we did fuck-all for their rescue efforts! To figure out why I wasn’t fast enough to get to those children! I have to - to know,” he flings himself to his feet and begins pacing. “Fifty-four people died today, that’s fifty-four lives we should have saved, and I have to know why we failed so it never happens again.” He slams both hands down on the table, scattering papers to the floor. His eyes are wild and slightly bloodshot, and Virgil’s heart aches for the pain in those cerulean blues. 

The fight leaves Virgil’s spirit, because for once, he’s having a hard time reconciling his own failings with the number of bodies he’s pulled from mud and rock today. Usually, he is the first to reassure his brothers that they did all they could. But on a day like today, with the weight of whatever-it-is on his chest, it’s just not good enough. 

But that doesn’t mean he’s going to leave Scott alone in his pain. 

“What can I do?” Virgil asks quietly, and Scott stares at him. 

A pause. “Just - just be here,” Scott allows at last, sinking back into his chair. 

“Always,” Virgil says, and he means it, even through the fog of this exhausted, low, heavy feeling. 

“You okay?” Scott says, looking him over with a frown, and Virgil curses internally, because of course, Scott notices what none of his other siblings have. 

“As much as any of us are right now,” Virgil answers, as honestly as he can. Scott clearly doesn’t quite believe him, because he keeps shooting Virgil surreptitious glances laden with concern, but he lets it go. Perhaps he too lacks the energy to fight him on this. 

(It’s not enough and Virgil knows it. It’s not enough to stop his brother from working himself into an early grave and it’s not enough to blame poor construction work for the collapse of a tower block when he should have been able to save them).

(He’s not enough). 

*

He’s exhausted. He had thought he was shattered before, but now - 

The heaviness in his chest is a gaping wide hole, and the edges are raw and ragged from trying to hold himself together. His throat closes and clogs, but the tears won’t come, even as misery wells inside of him.

He looks blankly at the piano he sometimes uses to pull himself back from edges like these - edges that plunge down, down, down into an abyss he daren’t explore. Only the tug in his chest isn’t there. The canvas on his easel remains blank, his paintbrush untouched. Hell, even the idea of a nice, hot shower has him cringing at the effort and self-care involved.

What the hell’s the matter with him? 

He can’t quite explain it, and for one usually so attuned to others’ emotions, this awful lowness is startling. Because it’s more than lowness, and it’s more than heaviness - it’s more like a complete absence of feeling, an emptiness that he doesn’t know how to name. 

Perhaps, it will shift in the morning. Perhaps, this is the consequence of pushing yourself to over-exhaustion and beyond, and then expelling what little energy remains to support your loved ones. Sleep will help, Virgil tells himself. Rest makes everything better, you will be better in the morning.

[dxmagedrose]

REPOST DONT REBLOG

FULL NAME.   Rosa Sabina Hauley NICKNAMES & ALIASES.  Isabelle, Lily, Abigail, Morgan, Summer,  The Snake, The Ghost, The Trash Queen, R.S. Hauley  GENDER. cisgender woman HEIGHT. 5′6″ AGE.  15 - 38+ SPOKEN LANGUAGES. English, Latin, Sumerian, Hebrew, can understand Arabic but can’t speak it conversationally. She can read in and somewhat write in a wide variety languages for magical research and ritualistic practices, can recite important magical documents and texts in dead languages, and given enough time and with enough patience, she can roughly and brokenly translate a large majority of languages and symbols with her academic background & study of linguistics and cultures.

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

HAIR COLOR.   Deep chestnut brown EYE COLOR. Hazel brown SKIN TONE.   Fair BODY TYPE.   Slender yet soft bellied VOICE.   Melodic, lilted. Almost sing-song. DOMINANT HAND.   Slightly stronger left, ambidextrous POSTURE.   Meticulously curated ahead of time; carefully planned body language with meanings implied SCARS.  Deep pink scarring under her left breast from a sigil tattoo that started affecting her attempt at a mundane life and was forcibly removed by herself, minor palm scarring from repeated spell casting rituals, likely future scarification symbols. TATTOOS.   Previously had an Ottastafur sigil tattooed to strike fear into her enemies hearts under her left breast, has a black floral piece wrapped around and creeping up her shoulder and a tiny knife on the side of her finger. BIRTHMARKS.   The occasional mole dotting her skin like midnight stars MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).   Her eyes. She may blend into a room amongst the crowd with her urban camouflage, but you can feel her eyes on you from a mile away. You can feel yourself being watched, only you don’t know by who. It’s far too easy to get lost in those large calculating depths of hers, impossible to tell if their wildness speaks of naive, wide-eyed innocence and eagerness or cold and calculated cruelty. They’re encapsulating, and you can’t seem to look away.

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !

PLACE OF BIRTH.   Denver (Aurora), Colorado HOMETOWN.   Bennett, Colorado PARENTS.   Thomas Hauley and Lauren (nee Pyror) SIBLINGS.  James and Elizabeth ‘Eli’ Hauley

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !

OCCUPATION.   witch, sex worker, an anthropology/archaeology student & researcher, contractually an agent of hell  /  working succubus, essentially a mercenary of magic, con artist, thief, briefly both a bank teller & salesman CURRENT RESIDENCE.   In her younger years she lived in a small apartments in varying cities for months at a time. In her mundane university years, she lived in a small manufactured home in a college town while she got her degrees, and in her mid to late thirties and on, she owns a large foreclosed house she’s refurbishing in the woods in an undisclosed location with plenty of closed off rooms for locked off magical objects and ritualistic projects in progress.  CLOSE FRIENDS.  She would say her bigger sister if they still had anything left in common. “Close friends” to her means the small handful of contacts she’s collected favors for over the years that have a working number of hers who she doesn’t think actively want her demise. Real human connection with someone she’s not actively trying to get something out of is rare. She doesn’t trust you, she rarely lets people in, and if you’re smart you shouldn’t trust her any farther than you can throw her. Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Single, briefly engaged to a badge-heavy police officer in college don’t hold it agaisnt her. FINANCIAL STATUS.   A large amount of maxed out credit cards, but handy enough to use her skills for a surplus of cash when she really needs it. She’s probably banned from a few high stakes casinos across the US, she prefers to live the high life and will do whatever for some petty cash. DRIVER’S LICENSE.   Yeah, she mostly rents cars under multiple of her names.  CRIMINAL RECORD.  Officially? Her records pull up prostitution, possession and felony assault. …Unofficially? — What are you, a cop? VICES.   Hard drugs, hard cash, sex, stealing, smoking, hard liquor, lying, cheating, manipulating, breaking the law, pushing the very real, raw magical boundaries of what is allowable in the universe, killing and sending shitty men to hell for more power. Anything she can do to make herself not think about who she is and the fact she’s actively choosing to be a shitty person and has the power to stop but wont is a good idea in her book. We’re all gonna die, why die living a boring and shitty life of work and monotony?

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.   Bisexual PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE.   submissive | dominant | switch PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch   LIBIDO. High TURN ON’S.   Choking, scratching, biting, pushing, pulling. If sex doesn’t actively feel like a fight or power, what’s the point? Surprising her, kissing her neck, having sex under the influence. TURN OFF’S.   Purposely taking advantage of vulnerability, being talked down on. LOVE LANGUAGE.   prefers and is comfortable with physical affection, gets uncomfortable because of the meaningful intensity of words of affirmation (She’s happiest to wrap her body around yours and feel you there with her, to just run her foot down your leg in true affection lazily to show her love, but to hear love from her partners lips makes her uncomfortable only because it means the most to her and she’s not used to it and doesnt know what to do with that affection, she gets to be a big emotional baby to be put on the spot like that.) RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.  Hard, intense, fast moving until she gets bored and moves on. Or she puts up a wall and dates them only for the hell of it, for the fun, for a way to pass the time. Usually seen as a target or entertainment, not generally a real human connection because she doesn’t think people will get it, understand her, or even like her if they knew who she really was. Leaving people and burning them before they get the chance to reject her first is the name of the game.

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONG.  Blood On My Hands - Danielle Parente HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.   Reading up on the research papers on magic by her peers in academia, reading of cultural revelations, having her nose buried in and analyzing and trying to cast spells and rituals in any grimoire she can get her hands on to push the boundaries of magic and personally experience it, hunting down the latest magical relic locations, schmoozing with the rich, pulling cons, and screwing anything that moves. LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED. Left PHOBIAS.   Being just one of a million others - being replaceable, forgettable, a grey face among the many. Being a no one, a nothing, someone easily discarded and tossed to the side, people she loves sacrificing her, abandoning her or leaving her behind SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL.   She pulls in with a confident smile and a plan but that starts going to shit and she becomes desperate quickly when called out. She can feign it until things get serious. Up until that point she’s confident and sure of herself. VULNERABILITIES.   No longer fitting in to her own family, her dad not wanting any part of her anymore, her inability to let people in, and people not caring about her or what happens to her, and how she should feel guilty for everything she’s done.

tagged by : stolen from  @scouscr​

tagging : @whcwashe, @aloneinxthenight, @youstolemycoat, & anyone else who wants to!

[rycbar-horcrux]

mayhaps reblogging those rings post was the best decision i made this week. your tags continue to bless the belexa ship time and time again. what would becky give lexi as a ring do you think? and how did they go about proposing to each other if they already did so? love to hear your thoughts 😇

Mayhaps the best decision you made this week was giving us that belexa fic. Now that right there was a blessing. It was a truly wonderful gift and maybe I love it a lot. 😁

Anyways, down to business. Perhaps surprising no one, I got a little long again. If time has taught us anything, it is that I apparently cannot control my thoughts on poison ivy bex and harley quinn lexi. But in my defense, there was a lot that i could say about these questions, some of which surprised me, and I really could have said more.

So the rings first. I feel like the resin rings happen earlyish into their romantic relationship. Cos they love one another but it’s too soon for some huge major action. Simultaneously it has been long enough that the inklings of ‘wow I could see myself spending my life with this person’ are here for both.

From Lexi, the ring is meant to be almost like a promise. Cos she remembers how Bex had been hesitant to believe that Lexi returned her feelings when they finally got together. Plus, this whole relationship is kind of a big deal to her. She’s ever felt quite like this before and that is a lil bit scary. But despite that, she is 1000% in and that’s what fuels the ring. She wants Bex to know just how just how much she loves her just in case it doesn’t always quite show or Bex doubts anything So like I said, she carefully picks the components for the ring, taking into account their meaning. Picking a strong, reliable wood (maybe something like oak), and a small but meaningful flower like the forget-me-not. But when it comes to it, she chickens out a little. When prompted, tells Bex that the choices were random and that she didn’t even know what they meant anyways. But of course Bex can see right through her. She doesn’t call her on it, but she knows. And Lexi knows she knows.

Now, Bex goes for a resin ring too, so whilst it is different in appearance, the two have rings in a matching style. First the wooden half, and she does something a wee bit different for that.

So, Lexi can get quite attached to her bats.They’re kind of reassuring weight in her hands. Whilst she’s far from defenseless without it, she gets an extra sense of power with it. All it takes is one little swing and she can unleash a world of pain on whomsoever deserve it. Not only that, but it’s pretty hard to defend yourself from a swinging bat. That hit’s gonna at least smart wherever it lands. It’s not just a tool to her, she can draw comfort and strength from it especially if she ends up feeling somewhat insecure or threatened when she’s out wreaking havoc on the town. Sometimes she’ll run her thumb over the base of the handle, the mostly smooth surface helping to quiet things down for her. Others she might rest it behind her neck, wrists carelessly dangled over it if she wants to appear confident are casually disinterested. But you get the idea. She’s so attached that she can identify it by the feel of the individual grooves, and can tell you the reasons behind any nicks on it that had been picked up over time. But whilst they tend to be on the sturdy side, things can happen, and they do break. And although she knows when to give up on a bat and replace it, she can never quite bring herself to throw the bits remaining of the old one away, at least not straight away. So when this ring stuff is going down, Lexi isn’t that long after having to replace her bat and has only just got into the swing of things with it. So Bex liberates the remaining handle of her last bat to use.

As for the flowers, I think she ends up creating something unique solely for this ring. Pour her heart and soul into making this complex, beautiful little flower. In a way, Bex has put so much of herself into making it that it’s almost like a part of her, which is maybe what she was going for. Kind of a symbolic to represent that for as long as she wants it, Lexi can always have at least this little part of Bex with her.

So that’s what Bex’s ring is, a symbol of reassurance. Of comfort. It’s Bex telling Lexi that she has received Lexi’s message and that she is here, and will be for as long as Lexi wants/needs.

So maybe sometimes after a long day or if Lexi is out and about and whispers start up in the back of her mind, Bex looks at the ring and watches the way the light glints off of the flower encased resin. The sight proving to be almost mesmerizing as she remembers the meaning behind the ring, Lexi’s voice ringing through her head louder than any of her thoughts could hope to. And maybe sometimes Lexi runs her thumb along the ring. Caresses the familiar wood as well as the smooth resin. Maybe that simple motion can bring a sense of calmness, of belonging, to her, maybe it can help her right the world when someone threatens to shake the ground she stands on. Maybe the pair can look at those rings, can look at the other wearing them and just be utterly filled up with a feeling of love, but not only that, the certainty of their love being returned. Maybe they look at those rings and see the promise and also the possibility. The possibility that maybe someday in the future, they could each have another ring. A ring that could have just as much meaning and warm emotion behind it. Maybe if you were to ask each of them, they would consider that possibility part of their promise in the ring. But that’s nobody’s business except there own now is it?

Now, your second question. Ngl, I need to think about the proposal more and flesh it out, but I can give you the bare bones that I already have.

Possible plot twist - the way I see it Lexi proposes. But I’ll come back to that in a minute. So it’d be kind of planned but not planned if that makes sense? The idea sat in the back of her head for months before she mustered the courage to properly think of it. And when she does, the whole situation seems surprisingly simple, cause why would she not want to marry Bex? But then that’s a whole other set of problems. Cause when should she do it? What should she say? Does she give her a ring? What kind of ring would Bex even like? Where should of she do it? Anyways, you get the idea. So she thinks things over even more. Plans out a couple of ways that it could go down. She puts some serious thought into the whole thing, cause this is a big deal to her, and she wants to try and make it perfect for Bex.

As a matter of fact, she’s still considering things as the moment occurs. It’s like she looks at Bex and all of the questions, all of the doubts and worries just melt away and the words practically slip out. And maybe just lets them. Then quickly follows up with a sort of mishmash almost ramble covering all of the sentiments that she had thought about. It’s maybe not the most eloquent of the speeches that she’d planned, but it’s also not the shortest/ most abrupt. And of course Bex accepts, though she does almost question it at first, just reminds Lexi that she only wants this if Lexi does too.

But I’m going to cut myself off there because now I’m thinking even more about it. I do plan to revisit it and some point when I can give it proper justice so I don’t want to ruin things too much. I will say that it is really something though.

Now Bex, she’d love to be married to Lexi, but like I said earlier, I don’t think she’d eagerly push for it. She wouldn’t want to do that to Lexi; put her in a position where she might have to consider something she doesn’t want to do or let Bex down. All Bex wants is for Lexi to be happy, regardless of whatever role that means she takes in her life. Whether that meant they’d initially stayed friends, or never put a label on their relationship, or never took that one major step, or whatever. She’s just happy to give Lexi the love that she deserves in whatever way Lexi needs it. So she doesn’t ever put any thought into proposing. That’s not to say that she doesn’t sometimes imagine what things would be like if they were married. She would love to be able to call Lexi her wife. To watch Lexi absolutely going to town on a group of deserving goons and say ‘that’s my wife’ in a mixture of pride and awe. To answer the almost questioning look as she holds up a man who’s insulted Lexi and made her doubt herself. To forget about her talents and answer the question with a solid punch to the face and a snarled ‘that’s my wife’ as she defends her. To be dragged by a dressed up Lexi to a Disney marathon at a nearby cinema, an small shrug and almost exasperated ‘that’s my wife’ offered in answer to the amused looks she receives.

But at the end of the day she reminds herself that all of those married moments and so much more already happen. The imagined emotion is all the same, it’s only the wording of what Lexi is to her that is different. And does that really matter?

So I feel like the only way that poison ivy Bex proposes is accidentally, the whole thing’d almost be a joke actually. It’d be first thing in the morning maybe, both still tired. Lexi’s half sprawled at the table whilst Bex is leaning against a counter on the other side. And Lexi is grumbling cos she wants some of Bex’s coffee but Bex is playfully hoarding it. She needs it, and if Lexi wants some then maybe she should make her own. Then finally she jokes ‘Maybe we should get married then. You’d have the whole what’s mine is yours thing to play off of.’ a small chuckle escaping before she finishes, ‘sides, plenty of people say we’re like a married couple anyways.’ It’s then that she’s suddenly wide awake, brain catching up with her runaway mouth as she turns fully to Lexi. Small smile dropping as she stares wide eyed at Lexi’s shocked face. Then for a heart stopping moment she can’t read anything off of Lexi’s face, for the first time in so long Bex actually has absolutely no idea what she is thinking. So she starts to panic, starts to wonder if she’s ruined things, and opens her mouth to try and play things off as a joke but Lexi’s quiet voice stops her. ‘Maybe we should’. And Bex blinks, Lexi’s face coming more into focus. She takes in the initially almost hesitant look that quickly disappears as her resolve must grow. The touches of a smile growing, the previously darting eyes now meeting hers, solid and sure. The question must be visible on her face as a sense of disbelief, hope and maybe a touch of wonder swirl inside her. Lexi just gives a single nod, reassuringly solid as she stands, moving around the table and closer to Bex. Nothing could stop the wide grin that grows on Bex’s face, widest and brightest that Lexi had ever had the pleasure of seeing, as Bex also steps towards her. Lexi almost worries about the rest of the world, because something that bright could surely only belong to the sun but she quickly decides that she doesn’t care. No, the rest of the world could remain forever bathed in darkness, whilst she stayed within these four walls with Bex. And the coffee would be absentmindedly places on the table behind as Bex finally reaches Lexi. Lexi quickly searing upwards on her tiptoes to claim Bex’s lips in a kiss before Bex could take any other action.

Now, neither of these involve engagement rings, but I’m not sure that they bother getting them? Cause the resin rings would just have so much weight tied to them, both initially when they got them, and most definitely by the time that proposals happen. So I feel like that kind of emotion would be kinda hard to top. Plus I don’t think they’d have a very long engagement. Nor do I think either would be hugely bothered over having a massive wedding. So I can see them going ‘right so we want to get married, let’s just do it’ and eloping. Road tripping either alone or maybe with some close friends and just doing it. Maybe they do it in Vegas, similar to Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn in the comics. I mean, they both want it, so what’s the sense in waiting? Plus maybe the idea of how people react to the pair returning with matching rings amuses them. Cos you just now that even after they’ve been together for so long (and let’s be real, the pair aren’t exactly hiding their feelings), people still talk about the pair just being really good friends. There’s got to be at least one gossip rag that mirrors that, and tbh the pair love to mess around with them and see how far they can push things before they finally report it correctly. It just calls out to their villainous mischievous sides.

[somethingjustsouthofbrilliance]

I Got You (chapter 5)

I am honestly beyond grateful for everyone’s encouragement on the last chapter.  I’ve been struggling to keep this story going, but your response definitely helped, and I am so thankful to you all 💕💕💕 I best express my gratitude with writing, so here’s another chapter for you, guys. Thank you!

Tagging:  @jamesrhodey @supernaturalyloki @chanderefk @aimeeroot21 @markedplaces @mostly-marvel-stuffs @matre-dee @le-ephemere @lo-anlurui @savedbyholmes @kimmycup @typicalcampbell @natty-ts70 @damnhiatus @pubzie @giulisetta

Links to chapter 1, chapter 4

Chapter 5

 “You know, this is a pretty decent family restaurant,” James points out, watching with a mildly disapproving frown as Stark tears into a plain-looking cheeseburger, all but moaning with pleasure as though he were savoring a most exquisite gourmet meal.  “You could have ordered some real food.”

 “What’s wrong with cheeseburgers?” Starks looks almost offended.

 “Nothing,” James shrugs, shifting his attention back to his own plate with its piece of herb-roasted chicken seasoned to mouth-watering perfection. “I just figured that after getting our breakfast and lunch orders at drive-through windows you’d want something a bit more sophisticated than a meal that usually comes in a greasy paper bag with an optional toy for customers 12 and under.”

 “I like cheeseburgers.” It’s Stark’s turn to shrug as he takes another hungry bite that drips grease and ketchup onto his chin. He reaches for a napkin, dabs it at his chin.  “S’comfort food,” he manages around a mouthful, winking at James over the remainder of his sandwich.

 James shakes his head, goes back to cutting up his food.  “Wouldn’t have pegged you for a junk food kind of guy.  Given where you come from, I figured you’d have a more… sophisticated palate,” he says, snagging a piece of chicken with asparagus onto his fork and sending the combination into his mouth.

It’s good.  It’s so fucking good and so welcome after the questionable-quality fast food Stark had forced on him earlier that he simply closes his eyes for a moment and lets himself enjoy the flavor, the texture and the aroma of actual, human food.  

 It’s why he doesn’t notice right away that something’s amiss.  Not until he opens his eyes again and finds Stark looking back at him, his expression guarded, tense.

 “Where I come from?” There’s an unpleasantly cold challenge in Stark’s tone, and James wonders what particular can of worms he inadvertently opened with this conversation, but the words are out now and it’s too late to take them back.  

 “You’re Howard Stark’s son, aren’t you?” he asks, trying for nonchalant as he goes to cut himself another piece of the chicken.  “Millionaire inventor?  One of the biggest names in weapon manufacturing? I didn’t make the connection right away, but I just haven’t seen any Stark tech around in years.  Our military contract had been picked up by Senator Hammer’s company after your father–”

 “Passed out drunk while working on an arc reactor prototype and blew up the entire mansion?”

 He frowns at the glacial callousness of Stark’s interruption, blinks uncertainly at the man.  “I’m sorry,” he tries.  

 “Don’t be,” Stark waves him off with an ugly grimace of a smile.  “Blowing himself up was the best thing he could have done with his life.  Although,” he drops his unfinished cheeseburger onto the plate, leans back in the chair, dabbing the napkin at his lips, “I heard rumors that he may have had some help leaving this world.”

 It’s so casual the way he says it, so matter-of-fact.   It makes James’ skin crawl.

 “You’re saying someone had him murdered?”

 Stark crumples up the napkin, tosses it onto the plate.  “Don’t know that for a fact,” he admits with a dispassionate shrug.

 “But?” James prompts, intrigued despite himself.

 Stark hums.  “Howard was many things – stupid wasn’t one of them. Being drunk wasn’t new for him, but he knew his limits.  He wouldn’t have gone down to his workshop if he was that hammered.” He chuckles unkindly.  “Hammered.  Now that’s a thought.”

 James feels a cold unpleasant shiver trickle down his spine.  “You’re not suggesting…”

 “The good senator?” Stark’s smile is positively predatory now, and he seems pleased somehow by James’ deduction even if he shakes his head in the negative.  “I’ve had the displeasure of observing Senator Hammer quite closely for ten very long and sadly irretrievable months of my life.  He’s a vulgar little shit with no sense of morals or civility.  But he doesn’t have enough brains or balls to pull off something like this.”  He cocks his head, winks conspiratorially at James. “Now if we assume that he was not acting alone, and we combine his financial means and his unbridled enthusiasm for fattening up his own pockets with, say, Vice President Stane’s formidable ruthlessness and an unhealthy craving for power–”

 “Stop!” James hisses, putting up his hand to shut the man up even as he glances furtively to the sides to make sure their conversation has not attracted any unwarranted attention. “Do you even realize what you’re saying? Accusing a high-ranking senator and the goddamn VP of conspiracy to murder?”

 Stark watches him calmly, seemingly unperturbed by his agitation.  “I’m not accusing them of anything, Sugar Plums,” he deflects easily, the sharp piercing gaze of his amber-brown eyes pinning James in place. “Don’t have enough facts for that. I’m merely pointing out that together those two individuals have both the appetite and the means for any sort of hostile takeover.” Stark’s eyes narrow ever so slightly.  “Such as, for instance, the removal of an undesirable president.”

 For a brief moment James forgets how to breathe.  Just sits there, blinking owlishly at Stark, his heart stuttering like a scared animal inside his chest.  “You...,” he chokes out, fingers tightening convulsively around the handle of his knife. “You’re insane.  Do you even hear yourself?”    

 Stark snorts quietly, picks up his glass of water, leaving a ring of condensation on the wooden surface. “Relax, Platypus,” he responds easily and takes a long drawn out sip before setting the glass back down onto the table. “This is all purely hypothetical at this point.”  The mask of feigned impassivity slips for a moment, his eyes flashing steel like the metal of a drawn sword.  “Believe me,” he says, leaning forward into James’ space, and his voice, though quiet, has that same unmistakable edge of steel as well, “if I had any concrete proof that they had anything to do with that bomb that landed Happy in the hospital, they both would have been dead by now.”  He waits a beat, lets the words sink in.  Then pulls away, settling back in his chair, the already familiar plastic smile firmly in place.  “Now, what was it you were saying about my… palate?”

 James blinks rapidly, thrown completely off balance first by the wild accusations bordering on seditious and now by the dizzying change of topics.  He needs time to think, to process everything that Stark just said. Because it can’t be right what he’s implying.  It’s crazy. It’s the words of a madman.  And yet… and yet…

 “Um…,” he begins inarticulately, looking down at his poor unfinished chicken as though somehow hoping to find inspiration there for something meaningful to say when his mind is drawing a complete stunned blank.

 “Hold that thought, Buttercup,” Stark interrupts him unexpectedly, and the subtle change in his tone, a slight but unmistakable strain of warning, draws James’ attention back to the man.

 Stark’s whole demeanor has changed.  He still sits sprawled against the back of his chair, looking for all the world like he’s relaxing over a meal and a friendly chat, but James can see a kind of battle-ready tension in him now, a cold wariness of a professional on the job.

 “What’s wrong?” he asks, knowing instinctively that he needs to whisper this part.

 Stark flicks a lightning quick glance somewhere past James’ shoulder, reaches once again for his water glass.  “Seems like your secret admirer wasn’t quite happy with you leaving Washington so abruptly,” he murmurs into the glass.  

 “He’s here?” James straightens out in his seat, fighting the urge to look around.  “Who is he?”

 “It’s not the puppet master himself,” Stark shakes his head, setting the glass back down.  “But I will bet good money that the merry little group that just sat down at the table behind us is not overly interested in today’s specials.”  

 James swallows tightly, rubs his suddenly sweaty palms.  “How many?”

 “Five that I can see. Probably more waiting outside.” Stark shifts forward a bit, casually leaning his elbows on the table, bringing him that much closer to where James is sitting.   Smiles a wide artificial smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.  “Listen to me very carefully,” he says, his voice so low that James has to strain to hear him even at this short a distance. “You’re gonna excuse yourself now and get up to go to the restroom – it’s in the back of that hallway behind me.  The moment you step inside that hallway, you take the first door to your left – that’s the kitchen.  You’re gonna go in and you’re gonna keep walking until you reach the back door. Don’t open it, just stay there and wait for me.  Understood?”

 Stark’s gaze bores into his, intense, burning, demanding, and James wants to object, wants to know what exactly is it that Stark plans to do while he makes his escape to the kitchen, wants to insist that he stay and help, but there’s a grim urgency in Stark’s expression that makes him hold his tongue.  He nods once, mutely, and finds himself oddly comforted upon seeing something in Stark’s posture relax slightly at his assent.  Decided now, he puts both hands on the table, takes a deep, steadying breath and pushes up, plastering on a painfully artificial smile of his own.

 “I’ll be right back,” he hears himself say, holding Stark’s gaze for a brief moment before gesturing widely in the direction Stark had indicated to him earlier.  “Just gotta use the little boys’ room.”  

 And he walks off, silently repeating to himself that Stark is a professional, that he can handle himself, that it’s his job…. And tries very hard to stop himself from turning back around when he hears the first telltale crash of splintering wood behind him.

[omgnsfwisnsfw-blog]

NSFW #12: Oil and Water

On paper, Hardcore Revolution had been a success. NSFW had walked in as Tag Team champions and even after the challengers fought with everything they had, NSFW had walked out as Tag Team champions. Mike and Bishop shared stoic, defiant expressions as they backed up the entrance ramp - making a hasty exit from the public eye. They retreated to the recesses of the Rupp Arena, witnessed wordlessly the chaos of the following match, dressed into their street clothes, and departed. Ace Heart and an accompanying cameraman caught them for a website exclusive before their departure midshow. Church had just slung both of their bags into Alundra’s trunk as Mike sat in the driver’s seat with the powerful engine idling. The experienced interviewer tried his luck - hoping that months of radio silence between them had mended previously bad exchanges. “NSFW.” Church closed the trunk and looked up blankly at him - then strode over to the passenger’s side. “A word about your successful title defense.” He opened the door. “What’s next?” The big man dipped down under the frame of the door as he stepped into the car. He slammed the car door shut emphatically. Ace moved to the driver’s side and tapped on the glass. “Lots of speculation on your change of behavior as of late. Any comment?” The window came down. Not a lot. Just a little bit. Ace was met with an emerald death glare that he was probably incredibly familiar with by now. “It’d be obvious to anybody who didn’t eat fucking paint chips as a child. If I ran you over right now, you’d probably be pretty goddamn leery around cars for a while after, wouldn’t you? … Nevermind, fucking metaphorical shit is probably lost on you. As for tonight? We told them. We told them not to goof off. We told them to take us seriously and they didn’t fucking do it. Excuse us for being a tad insulted.” John interjected. “Not to say that our opponents didn’t put on a valiant effort. I commend them. And maybe...” He paused. “This is an ugly business.” His gaze was direct at this man. A fellow employee who he could never get on the same page with despite being amicable with most everyone else. “And maybe beyond all of this...” Another pause. “Mike. Let’s just go.” “Before you go. There are some that say that you two have changed for the worse since winning those titles. Anything to say to that?” Mike’s return glare somehow grew icier, harsher. Her voice sounded not only annoyed, but exhausted. “Heart. I don’t know if you’ve been watching the fucking news, but there’s more important things going on than continuing to lose fucking brain cells talking to you. Church’s right. We’re going home.” The window was rolled back up, and Ace Heart gave a startled jump backwards as Alundra sped off without any further warning. Their community had been grievously wounded that weekend. That with the rampant speculation about the two’s temperament had waned interest in the business and everything that encompassed it. They drove back home and that Tuesday morning - they stood with their neighbors in a vigil to mourn the losses of eleven innocent souls. But after that, there was Japan. Sixteen hours - cross country and then across the Pacific ocean. International travel had not been uncommon for them but with what was slated for them in Tokyo the following Monday, there was a trepidation for just what they were walking into. They would be visiting the island country for two weeks and there was plenty to do, and Mike had amassed quite a list of extracurriculars- cute and sugary and fun things, but also, and perhaps a little out of character for them, quiet and spiritual sorts of things as well. To that end, they decided when looking over places to stay to choose a beautiful ryokan, or hot spring inn, about an hour and a half outside of the city of Tokyo proper. The ryokan was just as stunning as advertised- their room was a very appealing blend of modern and traditional Japanese decorating, and there was a private balcony with a table, two chairs, and their own private onsen- a traditional open air hot spring bath that steamed invitingly in the cool evening air. Beyond the balcony was a view of Mt. Fuji that they both found absolutely breathtaking. Their trusty camera clicked on to the sight of two of them standing out on that balcony, leaning with their backs against the wooden railing, the awe-inspiring mountain clearly visible behind them. They appeared well rested, having slept off any jet lag, and perhaps a bit more at ease than in past weeks. Their title belts rested comfortably in their rightful places over their shoulders. “Context.” John stepped aside - allowing the camera to take in more of the long dormant volcano. “In World War II, this mountain was used as a symbol to evoke nationalism for the Japanese war effort. Meanwhile, the United States used the very same mountain to demoralize those very same soldiers via propaganda. The mountain never changed. It has always stood just behind us. A symbol of this country’s spiritualism. Mike and I. We are that mountain. People will use and twist who we are into whatever they wish. Always ignoring the context. Never asking why. Forgetting that we've never changed.” “Some of the old folklore around here even paints the mountain as a god. Are we gods? Nah. Not far’s I know anyway. We ain’t gods or devils or any other extreme fuckin’ stereotype. What we are is something way more… nuanced?” She glanced up at her partner, who gave her a smile and a nod. Mike held back the urge to give herself a congratulatory small fistpump. “Nuanced. Or in another word, human. I said what feels like a billion fuckin’ years ago, we don’t fit into anybody’s boxes. So if people think we should be acting one way, and we act another, is the problem ours? Or theirs?” John shrugged. “Doesn’t matter to us. Let’s pick up an old thread. We successfully defended our tag team championships against two people that we do consider to be our friends. However. We’ve considered a lot of people to be our friends lately. Including one of our upcoming opponents. Mike and I spoke a lot about it. I think there are some misunderstandings. And maybe we read into things that just weren’t there. But we saw what we saw. And even with that, we fought with honor. And so did they. One day, those two will come back and be ready for another try and maybe they’ll think back to all of this as a learning experience.” “I hope so. They could really be something awesome if they just took some shit seriously. But that was Monday. And now we get to fight a great foe and a rotten fucking friend. Now, we’re not gonna spend a lot of time crying over the obvious. Everybody who wasn’t hiding under a goddamn rock knows what Sanders did. Shouldn't take a Psych major to guess how we feel about it. As for Garcia, this isn’t the first time we’ve gone around the rosey with him.” Mike leaned forward, one brow raising in what could almost be some minute degree of concern. “Hey Cherrypie, you sure you wanna trust this guy? I’d advise against it if I were you, because shit, even you are a better fucking caliber of person than he is. I mean he’s flopping in the raw sewage with the likes of the blonde walking fungus, you sure you want that splattered all over your nice fucking suit? You’ll never get the stench out.” “Why bother?” He looked at Mike and shook his head. “Why bother to rationalize with someone who has closed their eyes to the world? Incapable of grasping any sense of reality. These are the sort of people that Dominic Sanders surrounds himself with. Because except for that shining accomplishment in New York, Dominic’s time here has been wrought with …” John steadied his hand in front of him and tipped it back and forth as if it balanced on a fulcrum. “Inconsistencies. For every accomplishment, there were two pitfalls. For every defining victory over long time rivals or championship boons, there were stunning defeats. Falling to Griffin Hawkins shouldn’t have been the catalyst to orchestrate some charade to manipulate his way into his greatest opportunity. And instead of embracing that chance as a way to finally shine, he shows his true face. Callous. Apathetic towards the people who have supported him through his farce. Surrounding himself with like individuals. However - Dominic should ask himself what it means when he and five other people can’t defeat one, albeit very strong, man.” Mike tisked a bit. “Six guys against one biker. Now, I’ve seen some weird shit circling around Happy lately, and I have to come to the conclusion that either Happy is a magical biker- which would be DC Comics level of badass- or your little makeshift militia really fucking sucks. Or maybe it’s a little from column A and a lot from column B. I mean granted one of those guys was Jeff Noon, but still. Come on. If you were trying to make a meaningful impact it went over like a wet fart.” John raised an eyebrow at that statement but continued nonetheless. “But if you really think about it - it makes complete sense. Dominic Sanders surrounds himself with people that share his ideology. The Limit. A tag team that professes that they do not care about winning. Skirting around the fact that their only victories come from cheapshots against opponents who win less than they do. A team that since trying to use NSFW as a statement - has been violently mediocre until they decided to go to the well once more. Didn’t work the first time - so why try again?” Rhetorical. “Draco Lazarus - a wrestling prodigy so consumed with himself that his proclamations of greatness would be funny if he wasn’t dead serious. Used to be a leader of his own gang of misfits until even they had enough and moved on. Now he’s a follower. And despite these new alliances, he failed to live up to his namesake once again.” He looked to Mike. “And what about Rob Garcia?” “What to say about sweet Cherrypie that we haven’t already said? I know. He somehow stumbled into the tag team championships while being the worst tag partner in the whole wide world. I mean, he was kind of the low man in the entire ReVenant outfit, and once they all skipped town without him he wasn’t able to keep a consistent tag partner after everyone realized what a spoiled, stupid goober he was.” “To be fair, Morgan Darkwater wasn’t the paragon of virtue that we all thought he was.” “Disappointing. But what do you expect from a fucking… pirate? Mercenary? Eh, I think you call that a privateer. Either way, it don’t matter, cuz he’s fucking gone-zo. Sailed off into the sunset, left Garcia all alone yet again, without any titles, real or imagined, to keep his poor sad self company.” “Dominic has assembled this motley crew with designs of molding this company into his image. And in their first cumulative outing - they fail. Typical. And now he, mere weeks away from what he hopes to be the greatest night of his career, looks to use us as an example of his mettle. With Rob Garcia as his charge. What could go wrong?” “Dumbinic Sanders…” John stifled a chuckle. “Dominic, you mean.” “Not if this is his fuckin’ plan I don’t. This is like one of those movies that opens in a shocking manner and gets you all on edge and then just drizzles a promising plot down its own leg like baby diarrhea. Still… even though he’s proven really fucking incompetent as a squad leader and is coming at us with a dude who not only has never pinned us but has all the mental sharpness of cream cheese left out on the counter overnight, we’re not going to make the mistake of underestimating you two. After all, one of you is a Rumble winner and the other is actually really decent if and when he gets a fire under his rich-boy ass.” John affirmed that with a slight nod. “But you two are facing the standard bearer of this company’s tag team division. And that doesn’t mean we are infallible. It means that we faced adversity head on and learned from our shortcomings. After NSFW was defeated by two world class competitors representing the Trinity, what did we do? We came back and captured a victory against the tag team champions at the time. Putting the world on notice. And by the way, where is the Trinity now to forsake our claim?” Mike gave a very exaggerated sorrowful look, wiping away an imaginary tear. “Looks like poor Xavier’s become a doorstop baby.” “And when Mucho Grande went through us to claim a shot at these titles, what did we do? We fought through every team we could until we rectified that wrong. And where is Mucho Grande to dispute our credibility?” The redhead stood up ramrod straight, crossing her arms across her chest like a coffin-bound corpse. “Mucho Muerte.” “That’s right. Despite all of that grandstanding, when push came to shove, they didn’t have the fortitude to backup all of that machismo. NSFW is the constant and Dominic Sanders and Rob Garcia are oil and water. Their only commonality is that they neither of them can get it done as a tag team. Rob Garcia’s last venture went belly up after never winning a match. Dominic Sanders idea of partnership is throwing a fit and attacking Kendrick Kross. After losing to Rob Garcia ironically.” “...what a weiner. What did we ever see in that guy?” John stared at Mike blankly. The cog wheels were turning to find one, single, solitary reason. “Gil.” Mike grinned fondly in spite of herself. “Yeah, yeah you’re probably right.” “But it was always there. Just under the surface. That charming smile a mask concealing his sinister motives. My first exposure to Dominic Sanders was him slamming a steel chair into my back repeatedly. Much like our meeting with Rob Garcia. So understand that Mike and I have not forgotten that.” “Everything you’ve done is gonna boomerang right back in your stupid smug face. You’ve hurt a lot of people in a lot of different ways, Dom. The bill’s coming due and it’s payable in blood, bruises, and busted teeth. Now, we aren’t stupid. We know this won’t be a fair fight- the moment things start getting hairy, you’re gonna call in the gilded turd and your rabid animals. And maybe Jeff Noon for some reason. Maybe we’ll have backup if that happens. Maybe…” Mike let a puff of a sigh out. “...maybe we won’t, and if we don’t, I guess that’s alright.” “We’ll deal with what comes. Together. They’ll bring ugliness and hatred. They’ll try to tear us down and Mike? They’ll fail. Afterwards, Rob Garcia can go back to his clueless world of luxury. Dominic Sanders after the realization that he isn’t as good as he thinks he is can go lapse back into his grizzly misogyny - demeaning a woman who has achieved more than he could ever hope to do. Tired tropes. Little girl. Whore.” His eyes narrowed. And for the only time in this video, he addressed Sanders directly. “I only see one of those. You. A man who has debased himself in utter desperation. Relevance fleeting, you turned to cruelty and malice to get what you want. And on that night. That very special night, you’ll fall short. Re-evaluate your expectations. Monday will be a preview of that very outcome.” “You’re not gonna win, cuz we ain’t like the others. We ain’t going away. No Skipping, Faltering, or Washing out. I hope you realize the fucking hornet’s nest you just kicked. Till Monday. Sayonara, chumps.” They both gave a brief wave. Stepping forward, Mike turned the camera off.

[bluetheaspiringwitch]

My Vision and my Tarot

I don’t really have followers on here, but I’d like to tell a story– I suppose this is more for myself than anyone else.

To begin, I am one of those people that constantly over-thinks. Someone who unconsciously holds on to guilt tighter than anything else. I’m prone to anxiety, panic attacks, crippling depression, and a slew of neurological issues– to the point of getting so stressed out my body began eating itself, trying to die. (Because that wasn’t stressful at all!!! Brains suck sometimes).

Due to this, meditation is often difficult for me– and often times I simply can’t get into the right headspace. Reading things from other witches, I assumed that I would never ever have a vision. People talk about needing to be calm, having a clear head– that’s something that’s VERY difficult for me. After reading a section on meditation and metaphysical concepts– the advice of using crystals and turning lights off / having phone off or in airplane mode.

Trying this, I found myself having only slightly more luck. Intrusive thoughts still came through in the silence, and rather than being calm– I began to have an anxiety attack. I began thinking “I will never be able to connect with anything, I can’t even meditate. Why can’t I calm down?!” This line of thinking looked, and right along side it was my rational voice. “No, no. These things take time. You’ve been neglecting meditation for months. Of course you won’t pick back up where you left off. You’ve been away from your craft for so long, just be patient. Baby steps.” But despite this, my anxious thoughts grew louder. Accusing me of worthlessness, insanity, and much more.

In amidst my upset, I felt my eyes well up. I don’t remember what I was thinking. My mind latched on to a phrase to repeat over & over– as it often does. That phrase became broken and all I heard was a calm, beautiful voice. It only said hush. The voice was beyond motherly, and with each anxious thought, she simply repeated “hush.” Suddenly an image came into my mind– hands reaching down as if to carress my face, but– in my mind I was not physical. The hands cupped and became an upward-facing crescent moon. Waves of dark color crashed around it, slowly becoming calmer as the voice simply whispered “shhhh….” the water calmed as little flecks of light faded away, everything slowly dissipating as the image and sound faded back to nothing.

My anxiety melted away– I was calm before opening my eyes & a feeling of excitement overwhelmed me. I doodled the image along with the word “hush” in my grimoire so I wouldn’t forget.

It’s been months– and I haven’t had any similar experiences since.

A few days ago I reblogged a tarot reading I had gotten from starlight-witches (I don’t know if they would wish to be tagged in this) with a general reading they did for me– resulting in the 9 of winter (belladonna).

My mind immediately began rushing through all the different things it could mean. I’ve been thinking a lot about an old friend that we mutually stopped contact with–(an incredibly toxic relationship that constantly fed my self-hate and self-doubt). I’ve suddenly begun obsessing over mistakes and “sins” from longer than a decade ago to the present (something that only began happening a few months ago– I haven’t thought this way in years). I’ve been feeling like a burden, as my health (mental and physical) have been effecting my productivity. My chores aren’t getting done, I don’t have a job, I can’t drive at 25… this has all been weighing heavily on me.

Despite all this, my self-destructive mind took it in another direction. “It’s because you’re bad. You’re a terrible person that’s fooling everyone into thinking you’re good. You are the belladonna. You put on a pretty face, but you’re just poisoning everyone you touch.”

So, in a fearful fit, I asked my own tarot cards “what am I doing wrong?”. I was given the hermit upside-down. This implies to me that I was isolating myself and over-thinking… something I frequently do– however, again, my mind twisted it. “You’re not thinking enough. Your taking advantage of everyone. You should be ashamed”…. I asked a follow-up question, “please… advise me on how to move-forward… help me to clarify my mistake?” stating that if a card fell out during this reading, I would consider it my answer. A card fell out. It was the moon upside-down. Which… the description on biddi tarot is spot-on.. recovery is just really really slow for me.

Because my mind is so chaotic– I wanted to confirm that I was reading the situation accurately. I asked a very long question with a lot of specifics. The gyst being “am I right to let go of my guilt..? Am I just over-thinking? Letting go of my guilt, taking baby steps, asking friends to help me get myself on a manageable schedule.. is this the right thing to do?” For this, I did an incredibly personal reading. This is the kind I did as a child.

I shuffled and cut the deck in the same way that you would for a regular reading. But instead of taking the top card, I spread out the deck as evenly as I can in front of me. After charging my selenite and clear quartz with my intent, I hold them in my left hand and ask that the energies guide me to the correct card. I close my eyes, and move my hand over the cards 3 times. If I feel a tug, or if my hand gets heavy in a certain area all 3 times, I drop my hand and pick the card based on it. (If there are multiple, I shuffle the cards that my hand landed on and repeat the process with the cards heavily spaced out!) This time, I got the world.

…my cards are so gentle with me… I’m truly lucky. Whether the guidance be from a goddess, a natural energy, a more spiritual self inside me, or simply luck… these experiences were meaningful to me, and recounting them makes me feel at ease.

I may never have the power or confidence as my childhood self– a very strong little pagan girl with no doubts or self-hate… but I think that my current self… A very confused, agnostic, gender-fluid, traumatized, mentally ill person filled with self-doubt– I think I have at least a flicker of magick that I can still dare to hold on to. That… that alone is worth clinging to.

[orienthimmel]

Because I Love You (Part IV)

James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes x Reader Summary: Can Bucky finally make things right? Warnings: Angst, Cheating, Modern!AU, Swearing 2k Words. For the last time, sorry to those named Adley!

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV (The end) A/N: I realised the tags were not working (I think?) for the previous chapters, really sorry about that! 

Bucky fiddled with his fingers. It took him a lengthy lecture from Steve and a multitude of blue, black and green discolouration on his left arm, courtesy of Natasha, for him to find out where (Y/n) was. Remorse crawled all over him when he first heard of her location- Santorini, Greece. Of all places she could’ve choose to go, she flew to the place he promised he would take her on their Honeymoon. So there he was, sitting in the Taxi, gazing out the window and wondering how this breath-taking scenery could’ve played out very differently.

“Sir, you have arrived,” the driver said. Bucky shot him a tight-lipped smile before muttering a short ‘thanks’. He passed the driver enough cash and got out of the car. A rush of sea breeze greeted him, thank God he decided not to slick his hair back today. Bucky remembered very clearly that (Y/n) preferred his hair fluffy and untamed. She mentioned that the slick back style reminded her of his work mode and she’d rather see him unwind and relax. The hotel looked exquisite. Despite the simplicity of the blue and white architecture, it looked cozy and welcoming.

Bucky didn’t bother paying too much attention to the interior and the decorations. He has an objective, an aim, a goal to accomplish. And he’d be darned to let (Y/n) slip away from his grasps once more. Bucky walked up to the reception and cleared his throat, gaining the attention of the woman behind the desk.

“May I help you, Sir?” she asked.

“I was wondering if you could tell me the room number of (Y/f/n) (Y/l/n),” Bucky’s response was immediate. The receptionist froze, eyeing Bucky and scrunching her perfectly lined brows.

“Providing a customer’s information to strangers is beyond my rights, Sir. I’m sorry, but I cannot afford to do that.”

“Look, I know it is. And you can put the blame completely on me! I swear! You can tell them I threatened you with a knife or a gun or… I don’t care. I just want to know where (Y/n) is!”

The speculating gaze of the woman remained unwavered. Bucky huffed out a sigh, brushing his hair back with his right arm.

“Miss, I’m really sorry about this, but I really do need to know where she is. She’s everything to me but I… I fucked up, and I want to make things right. So please,” Bucky pleaded, voice quavering.

“Don’t worry about him, I’ll take care of it,” a new voice offered from behind him.

Bucky’s head snapped up, ears perking up from the sweet, melodious voice he longed to hear. His eyes laid upon the familiar figure and there she was.

“(Y/n)…”

He wanted to tell her that she looked stunning, with that not-too-short floral shorts and plain white blouse, but he would be lying. (Y/n) may look gorgeous, but Bucky could undoubtedly see everything the woman was hiding underneath all the light layers of makeup. The dark circles beneath her eyes were well concealed but not to him, never to him. And those eyes, they weren’t opened as wide or looked as aware as they once were, her (y/e/c) orbs were dead. Her focus turned to him, and his breath hitched.

“Follow me.”

The walk was short and silent. Bucky spent the entire time staring at (Y/n)’s back. He was reciting all the things he wanted to say to her in his mind, and he has been reciting them ever since he got on the plane. (Y/n) stopped in front of a door, unlocking it and entering inside. Bucky timidly followed and glanced around. The room was clean, sheets were perfectly made and there were no traces of anyone living there, which was odd considering the fact that he had been informed that (Y/n)’s been here for a week. His eyes fell to the luggage sitting in the corner of the room, and everything clicked.

“You’re leaving today?” he asked, the nervousness that had enveloped him took away all the words he originally planned on saying.

(Y/n) did not provide a response. She continued towards the balcony and stared off ahead. Bucky took small, soft steps, afraid that she may not want him near her. (Y/n), though, was nonchalant about it when Bucky landed beside her. The scenery, as astonishing as it was, couldn’t contain her raging heart. The warm and painted skies of Santorini wasn’t enough to help her get a hold of herself. It has been a long time since Bucky and her had been this close, and it was riling her emotions up more than she’d like to admit.

“Why are you here, James?”

“I want to make things right,” he replied. Bucky turned to look at her; the wind swept her (y/h/c) strands from her face, while her face had a soft glow thanks to the Sunset. Looking at her, standing right next to him after everything that had happened gave him courage.

“(Y/n), I’m sorry. I truly am. And you can blame me, hate me, punch me after this but I need to explain to you why I did it. I need you to understand-”

“No James,” (Y/n) cut him off. She finally turned and looked at him, “I don’t want to know why you did it. I want to know how you feel.”

“P-Pardon?”

“I want to know of your feelings towards Adley. I want to know your feelings towards me. I want to know what you want me to do, what you want me to say. I want to know what you want for your future.”

Bucky blinked. He was never good with words and feelings, (Y/n) knew that. So why was she asking this from him? Bucky gulped and decided that it’s time to let his heart take over. If that’s what (Y/n) wanted, so be it.

“I don’t love her,” he started but the sharp gaze (Y/n) held towards him told him this wasn’t the answer she was looking for, so he dug in deeper, “She’s a wonderful person. She’s caring and modest, mature and forgiving, but she’s different. She tries to understand me, she tries to look into my head because she wants to help, but you told me that you would wait for me to reveal things to you myself. She always asks me about the things we do together, to make sure it’s in my comfort zone, but you… you would force me to get out, to try new things and to expand my world. She’d ask me about work, you know, trying to help me get some load off my chest, but you would take me into your arms and hold me, whispering childish stories into my ear so I’ll get my mind off of it,” Bucky inhaled slowly, trying to keep his tears at bay. He needed to convey his words to you, “She’s a great woman… but she’s not you.”

Bucky had to pause for a bit because he didn’t want her to hear the pathetic sobs of his, not when she should be the one in pain instead of him.

“What do I want you to do? I want you to tell me that I’ve messed up. I want you to scream and shout at me, to be mad at me, to hit me. I want you to look me in the eyes with tears in your own and just… burst! Yell out what I did wrong, yell out how stupid I’ve been, yell out what you imagine our future would’ve been before I fucked things up! That way I know at least, you still care, that way I would’ve known what I would want for my future as well…”

By the time Bucky finished all he needed to say, his head hung low and his form was shaking, wracked by the barrage of tears streaming down his face. He couldn’t see it, but (Y/n) was in the exact same state. He imagined this to be the last words he said to her, and he gasped in horror and denial. He wanted his last words to be meaningful, to be memorable for her, but that seemed impossible after all he’s put her through.

(Y/n)’s hands were up on her mouth, covering her trembling lips. She managed to hide her sobs well, she believed. Either that or Bucky was so into his speech he didn’t notice the whimpers she had let out. (Y/n) closed her eyes, the war raging inside her was too much. As her brain was spewing excuses as to why she shouldn’t give him another chance, her heart was making itself clear- Bucky loves her. She didn’t need to know the reason why. She wanted to trust herself, to believe that she understood Bucky well enough to see for herself the logic behind his actions. After all, the past had its turn on changing the present, but it’s the present that has the power to change the future. That’s why (Y/n) needed to know how Bucky felt.

“Hello?” (Y/n) answered her phone, the number unknown.

“Uhm… hi, (Y/n) right?” the voice replied.

“Yes, and you are?”

“It’s Adley. I need to talk to you.”

(Y/n) paused. What did Adley need? Did something happen to Bucky?

“Is there something you need?”

“We broke up,” Adley chuckled awkwardly, “It’s not that we were truly together anyway.”

“I, I’m sorry?”

“(Y/n), he loves you. He really does. You may think that he loves me, but he doesn’t. He never did. And I’m just here to tell you that. Have a good life, (Y/n).”

Before (Y/n) could say anything, Adley hung up. (Y/n)’s mouth was opened slightly, eyebrows furrowed. She sat down on the chair on her balcony and found herself repeating Adley’s words in her head. It’s been months since she heard anything from Bucky. She assumed he finally got his happy ending, so why did the brunette call? Her cell phone rang once more, snapping her out of her daze, this time with a recognizable contact.

“Hey Nat, what’s up?”

“(Y/n), you might be mad at me… and Steve, he’s in on this as well, but you have to listen carefully,” Natasha spoke with such intensity in her voice, “Barnes is on his way to you.”

“What?” (Y/n) stood up, “Nat, what? I mean, I’m leaving today!”

“So? Just call in and delay your checkout, he should be there by evening.”

“I just… What about my flight?”

“The same shit. Tell them to change your flight to a later one.”

“But-”                   

“No buts (Y/n). Listen to yourself, I told you Barnes is on his way and you haven’t even reprimanded me about telling him your location! You love him, and… as much as I hate to admit it, he loves you. So just do what you need to do. Call me when it’s over.”

(Y/n) choked on a sob again, louder this time, and Bucky finally looked up. When he saw his best girl crying, he willed his feet and moved towards her. Bucky wrapped his arms around her, engulfing her in the warmth she was always used to. And both of them broke down in each other’s arms.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky whispered, “I love you. I love you so, so much (Y/n).”

(Y/n) didn’t struggle, she didn’t push him away nor did she retaliate. She nodded her head.

“I love you too, Bucky. I love you so much.”

Bucky smiled. He loved her, and he won’t make the same mistakes again. He will give her everything she deserves. He kissed her forehead, appreciating the raw emotion they were feeding from and to one another.

(Y/n) loved him, that much was clear to her. Her arms around his torso gripped tighter as she took in the familiar and soothing scent she had missed from the past few months. She felt the love Bucky has for her, and if giving him another chance meant giving their loving future a possibility, it was more than enough.

A/N: And that’s the end of it, guys. Thank you so much for reading this series, and I’m really sorry if you are unsatisfied with the ending. I wanted to make it a contrast to how usual cheating fics are. Please don’t hesitate to leave me a reply on this post itself or in my ask box. Thank you so much. Also, side notes: @hollycornish, I know what I replied to your ask, but I thought sticking to this would be a better ending. Hope you enjoyed it. 

Tag List @beach–babe @sexyashmike @stomachfilledwithbutterflies @vivianbabz @gotnotfeature @jeleners143 @i-am-coral-grimes @monsis-world @new-adventures-every-day @elaacreditava @hollycornish @arrynscrichton @5-seconds-of-heart-attacks @katiekitty261 @unabashedcandymaker @far-off-dream @fairchild21 @blazeshira @i-had-a-life-once @rowedtheboat @onlyloki @sgtbxckybxrnes @sorryitsaim @justreadingfics @thislittlewordofmine @tamianich @joshuad-n @he-remembers-all-of-them @bloo-moon-freak @-tulipsunflower- @mvasquez492 @thewintersoldiersmetaldick @loveyourselfcreateyourself @lifeasabookbutterfly @the-retired-infant @existingandnotliving @coffeeismylife28 @smomy @mah1c @assbutt-son-of-a-bitch @potatoandfries @broken-pieces @xxchexchickxx @thelordinblue @bubbleboss15 @learisa @emilypkuzu @buckyappreciationsociety @iamwarrenspeace  @adorableninja I can’t seem to find you anymore. 

[succeedly]

ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Stephanie Goldman on episode 316 of the 10-Minute Teacher Podcast

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

Stephanie Goldman and her first-year mentee Lindsay George have used Google Drive and Google Classroom to supercharge their mentor/mentee relationship. Stephanie calls this the ACE method of mentoring: Access, Collaboration and Experimentation. Learn this powerful method of mentoring. Next week we’ll interview Lindsay George, the other half of this experience.

Listen Now

Listen to the show on iTunes or Stitcher

Stream by clicking here.

***

Enhanced Transcript

Stephanie Golden: ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Link to show: https://ift.tt/2rWXwaA Date: May 21, 2018

Vicki: Today we’re talking with Stephanie Goldman, fourth grade language arts teacher here in Georgia, just a little bit above Augusta.

We’re going to talk about mentoring teachers with their use of technology through the Ace Mentorship Program.

Stephanie, what is the Ace Mentorship Program?

Stephanie: Well, it’s just an acronym that I actually came up with recently.

The A stands for access, the C stands for collaborate and the E stands for experiment.

It’s just something that has popped into my brain recently as I am mentoring a co-teacher in fourth grade. It’s her first year. She just graduated last year.

We are a Google school pushing one-to-one devices and integrated technology, meaningful technology.

Technology can improve the mentor induction teacher relationship

I just think that technology is a way to improve the mentor induction teacher relationship for many reasons. I think the biggest is probably the E for experiment. I just have a passion for induction teachers and pre-service teachers and I’ve just kind of always been an open-book for them.

I think technology has just really improved that relationship and the collaboration between the two.

Vicki: Let’s talk through the three pieces of this, kind of how it looks in this mentorship relationship. So access…

Access

Stephanie: OK. Access. Like I said, I’m an open book. Give them access to your resources.

I’ve only been in the classroom — I say “only” because it’s gone quickly — for twelve years. I know that when I had my mentor induction relationship, I feel like I would always go and ask them.

And at the beginning of the year, you know, they would give you the resources, and then I kind of thought I felt like an annoyance.

When people feel like — I mean, I know that SHE didn’t think I was annoying — I just felt that way. When we feel that way, I think sometimes we kind of shy away from asking what we need.

Now that everything is digital, it’s in the cloud in Google Drive, I’ve kind of given my induction teacher access to everything. All my resources.

It’s mostly organized, but the search feature for Google Drive is excellent. If she’s looking for something for reading comprehension or inferences, she can just type that in to the search and come up with a lot of resources.

Vicki: So you’re literally giving her access to all of your digital files.

  Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: You just say, “I give you complete access to the digital files and to me to just ask me about any of them.”

  Stephanie: Yes. Access to that, so she can get it on the computer. When we’re at school she has access to it. When she’s at home, I think that’s one of the benefits of Google Drive. You don’t know what you need until right when you need it.

So she can go home on her Chromebook and she can search for something. I know that not everybody is as comfortable as I am with sharing everything, so if you wanted to just do shared folders or a team drive where you retain ownership, you can change permissions so that nobody can delete anything.

All of your stuff is safe, but they still have access.

Vicki: Oh, that’s so great…

So that’s the great thing about Google Drive, it’s that there are a lot of different opportunities.

Vicki: Yeah, and they can make it Read Only, and they can just make a copy.

OK. So C for collaborate.

Collaborate

Stephanie: Well, we’re lucky that she’s on the same grade level as I am, so we can have the in-person debrief, and we have collaborative planning during planning time, but the biggest thing is we do our lesson plans in Team Drive.

It just starts as a basic Google Doc, and we have a lot of freedom to choose what kind of format So we just have a basic table, and every day, and the different subjects planned out.

Going back to the access, I remember when I was first teaching with technology, and you would need a website. I would need to email the website to my co-teacher, and then she would have to open it.

But in the Google Doc, in the lesson plan, we can put links in the lesson plan. So if we’re watching a video, we would link the video in that lesson plan. All you have to do is open up that lesson plan for the day, and all your links are already there for you. All of our shared stuff is ready there. So she doesn’t have to come over and say, “Oh, can you remember to email me the insert?” It’s literally all there.

This is also great — once a week we have a designated learning plan that we put in for the next week, and we can kind of map out where the week’s going, and what she’s assigned to.

We’re kind of obsessed with the commenting feature on Google Docs, where I can tag her in a specific thing, I can assign her a specific assignment, and I can assign myself assignments.

I’m a big inbox zero type of person, as soon as I assign myself a comment and I tag that that’s the assignment that I’ve given a task, it pops up into my email. So when I get it done, I want to delete that email.

The same for her, so there’s no confusion about who was expected to do what in the collaborative planning.

Vicki: That’s important.

You just type plus, and you start typing their name, you type in their email, and in the comment, and it will have a little checkbox. And it will say, “Assign this to Stephanie Goldman.” and you’ll check it, and boom, she gets an email, and there you go. It just prevents SO much confusion, doesn’t it?

  Stephanie: Yes. It does. Both of us are very similar in that we love to check that thing off, you know, we don’t want it hanging over our head. Like you said, there is no confusion about who is expected to do what in the delegation.

Vicki: That’s awesome. So you’ve given access, which is just so empowering and awesome. You’re collaborating, you’re actually using the tools that you’re going to be teaching with.

Imagine that! (laughs)

Stephanie: Yes.

  Vicki: And then this whole idea of experimenting — now, experimenting might scare some people. What do you mean by that?

Experimenting

Stephanie: Well, I mean… technology is so ever-changing. I am not afraid to make mistakes in front of my students. I’m not afraid to make mistakes in front of my induction teacher or with my induction teacher.

With previous, less technological mentor induction relationships, I feel like the mentor had so much classroom experience, that sometimes they would always have lessons that would be successful.

You would plan something, and it would go well for the mentor teacher, but then the induction teacher kind of had a fail moment.

There was kind of a disconnect between the mentor saying. “How do I help the induction teacher learn from that and kind of make that process visible?” to where, now, when I try a new technology tool, and it doesn’t work, that would be similar to her trying to do an instructional strategy, technological or not, and having it fail, and first attempt in learning, not a fail.

But me going through that process and being transparent with her, “OK, this tool didn’t work, maybe it was my delivery of instruction,” or something. And I can think through that and reflect on my experience with her. I think that’s really helped when she introduces a new technology tool or a lesson didn’t go well.

Vicki: So basically, you are intentionally experimenting with something new, and you are authentically reflecting with her on what went right and what went wrong, and you’re letting her see you struggle.

  Stephanie: Yes, exactly. And I think that is something that we, as mentor teachers, don’t do enough of because we have just become so comfortable in our lessons and our subject matter and things like that. The introduction of all this new technology is a great opportunity to show that process.

Let them see you struggle

Vicki: I think they used to say, never let them see you sweat, but I think it’s okay.

I’m even transparent and open with my students. So we’ll just have something go completely wrong and I’ll go, “Guys, this was a faceplant! This was terrible! Let’s take a different approach, or give me some feedback so we can do better for next time.”

I think that that transparency just shows our human side and makes us a — I mean, who wants to work with somebody who’s arrogant and pretends like they do everything right? Because nobody does everything right.

Stephanie: Right, exactly. Showing that to her and our students just helps them in so many different ways.

Vicki: I love this, Stephanie!

Stephanie: (laughs)

Vicki: So this is the ACE Mentorship Program approach for building that mentor relationship as you’re helping a new teacher join in.

You know, I would love at some point, and maybe you could put me in touch with her, to interview the other end of this mentoring relationship, but can you give us a peek into how she’s feeling about this?

  Stephanie: She loves it. She wasn’t really a self-professed technology geek like I am, but over the year, we kind of had a lot of experiences together.

We are co-teachers in each other’s Google Classrooms, so the students get a double benefit of having two teachers posting and commenting on their work and things like that.

We’ve done a lot of co-teaching classes together where there was mostly writing where the students were in the Google classroom together. They turn in their writing, or while they’re working on it we both get a chance to comment on it and actually do face-to-face conferences with that technology.

Before she even came to the school, last spring there was a call for proposals at the Georgia Council for Social Studies with an emphasis on technology. And I said, “Hey, do you want to present?” She’s like, “Well, yeah, I guess.”

Vicki: (laughs)

Stephanie: We’ve actually presented at two conferences this year, and she’s actually become Google-certified educator level 1 this year.

She’s definitely integrating all that technology. The students love it. The digital natives love to have immediate feedback.

I think that she’s had a pretty successful year. It’s been my favorite mentor induction relationship so far. Just because she has access to anything, and I feel like I’m an open book, you know? She can get what she needs.

Vicki: Teachers, you know that we have to do better at bringing people into the profession.

Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: I think that being an open book, giving open resources, co-teaching teaching in Google classrooms — I think this is a fantastic model for what it can be and how we can learn from one another.

And Stephanie, I’m just so encouraged, I appreciate you sharing your ACE Mentoring Approach with us.

And remarkable teachers, if you try this out, would you please tweet me?

You may already have something like this going, I would love to know more about successful mentoring approaches when you’re inducting new teachers into the profession.

This is fantastic.

Thank you, Stephanie!

Stephanie: Thank you so much for having me!

Contact us about the show: https://ift.tt/1jailTy

Transcribed by Kymberli Mulford kymberlimulford@gmail.com

Bio as submitted

Stephanie Goldman currently teaches fourth grade language arts and social studies in a 1:1 chromebook classroom at Lincoln County Elementary School in Lincolnton, Georgia. She previously taught in Richmond County (GA) and Spartanburg (SC) County District 1. She earned her bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Furman University in Greenville, South Carolina. She has been honored as Rollins Elementary School’s Teacher of the Year in 2012 and a top five finalist for Richmond County School’s County Teacher of the Year, and as Lincoln County Elementary School’s and Lincoln County’s Teacher of the Year in 2016.

Steph enjoys integrating technology in the classroom to increase student learning and engagement, as well as to make life easier for teachers. She has a passion for mentoring induction and pre-service teachers and helping them to integrate technology as they begin in their teaching career.

She is a Google Certified Educator Levels 1 and 2 as well as a Google Trainer. She loves being a “Google Nerd” and sharing what she has learned. This past spring, she co-taught a Google Certified Educator Level 1 boot camp for Lincoln County. She has presented sessions for the CSRA Regional Educational Service Agency (RESA) and the First District RESA, at Augusta University’s Impacting Student Learning Conference and for an Augusta University graduate class, at the Georgia Council for the Social Studies’ Annual Conference, and for AppsEvents. This summer, she plans to present at an AppsEvents summit and at Ed Tech Team’s Peach Summit.

When not teaching or on the computer, Steph can be found with her husband, Matt, and her three young daughters, or making a joyful noise directing the church choir and playing in the band. She can be found on twitter @dearfutureteach.

Twitter: @dearfutureteach

Disclosure of Material Connection: This is a “sponsored podcast episode.” The company who sponsored it compensated me via cash payment, gift, or something else of value to include a reference to their product. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I believe will be good for my readers and are from companies I can recommend. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.” This company has no impact on the editorial content of the show.

The post ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom appeared first on Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher helping educators be excellent every day. Meow!

ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom published first on https://getnewcourse.tumblr.com/

[strivesy]

ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Stephanie Goldman on episode 316 of the 10-Minute Teacher Podcast

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

Stephanie Goldman and her first-year mentee Lindsay George have used Google Drive and Google Classroom to supercharge their mentor/mentee relationship. Stephanie calls this the ACE method of mentoring: Access, Collaboration and Experimentation. Learn this powerful method of mentoring. Next week we’ll interview Lindsay George, the other half of this experience.

Listen Now

Listen to the show on iTunes or Stitcher

Stream by clicking here.

***

Enhanced Transcript

Stephanie Golden: ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Link to show: https://ift.tt/2rWXwaA Date: May 21, 2018

Vicki: Today we’re talking with Stephanie Goldman, fourth grade language arts teacher here in Georgia, just a little bit above Augusta.

We’re going to talk about mentoring teachers with their use of technology through the Ace Mentorship Program.

Stephanie, what is the Ace Mentorship Program?

Stephanie: Well, it’s just an acronym that I actually came up with recently.

The A stands for access, the C stands for collaborate and the E stands for experiment.

It’s just something that has popped into my brain recently as I am mentoring a co-teacher in fourth grade. It’s her first year. She just graduated last year.

We are a Google school pushing one-to-one devices and integrated technology, meaningful technology.

Technology can improve the mentor induction teacher relationship

I just think that technology is a way to improve the mentor induction teacher relationship for many reasons. I think the biggest is probably the E for experiment. I just have a passion for induction teachers and pre-service teachers and I’ve just kind of always been an open-book for them.

I think technology has just really improved that relationship and the collaboration between the two.

Vicki: Let’s talk through the three pieces of this, kind of how it looks in this mentorship relationship. So access…

Access

Stephanie: OK. Access. Like I said, I’m an open book. Give them access to your resources.

I’ve only been in the classroom — I say “only” because it’s gone quickly — for twelve years. I know that when I had my mentor induction relationship, I feel like I would always go and ask them.

And at the beginning of the year, you know, they would give you the resources, and then I kind of thought I felt like an annoyance.

When people feel like — I mean, I know that SHE didn’t think I was annoying — I just felt that way. When we feel that way, I think sometimes we kind of shy away from asking what we need.

Now that everything is digital, it’s in the cloud in Google Drive, I’ve kind of given my induction teacher access to everything. All my resources.

It’s mostly organized, but the search feature for Google Drive is excellent. If she’s looking for something for reading comprehension or inferences, she can just type that in to the search and come up with a lot of resources.

Vicki: So you’re literally giving her access to all of your digital files.

  Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: You just say, “I give you complete access to the digital files and to me to just ask me about any of them.”

  Stephanie: Yes. Access to that, so she can get it on the computer. When we’re at school she has access to it. When she’s at home, I think that’s one of the benefits of Google Drive. You don’t know what you need until right when you need it.

So she can go home on her Chromebook and she can search for something. I know that not everybody is as comfortable as I am with sharing everything, so if you wanted to just do shared folders or a team drive where you retain ownership, you can change permissions so that nobody can delete anything.

All of your stuff is safe, but they still have access.

Vicki: Oh, that’s so great…

So that’s the great thing about Google Drive, it’s that there are a lot of different opportunities.

Vicki: Yeah, and they can make it Read Only, and they can just make a copy.

OK. So C for collaborate.

Collaborate

Stephanie: Well, we’re lucky that she’s on the same grade level as I am, so we can have the in-person debrief, and we have collaborative planning during planning time, but the biggest thing is we do our lesson plans in Team Drive.

It just starts as a basic Google Doc, and we have a lot of freedom to choose what kind of format So we just have a basic table, and every day, and the different subjects planned out.

Going back to the access, I remember when I was first teaching with technology, and you would need a website. I would need to email the website to my co-teacher, and then she would have to open it.

But in the Google Doc, in the lesson plan, we can put links in the lesson plan. So if we’re watching a video, we would link the video in that lesson plan. All you have to do is open up that lesson plan for the day, and all your links are already there for you. All of our shared stuff is ready there. So she doesn’t have to come over and say, “Oh, can you remember to email me the insert?” It’s literally all there.

This is also great — once a week we have a designated learning plan that we put in for the next week, and we can kind of map out where the week’s going, and what she’s assigned to.

We’re kind of obsessed with the commenting feature on Google Docs, where I can tag her in a specific thing, I can assign her a specific assignment, and I can assign myself assignments.

I’m a big inbox zero type of person, as soon as I assign myself a comment and I tag that that’s the assignment that I’ve given a task, it pops up into my email. So when I get it done, I want to delete that email.

The same for her, so there’s no confusion about who was expected to do what in the collaborative planning.

Vicki: That’s important.

You just type plus, and you start typing their name, you type in their email, and in the comment, and it will have a little checkbox. And it will say, “Assign this to Stephanie Goldman.” and you’ll check it, and boom, she gets an email, and there you go. It just prevents SO much confusion, doesn’t it?

  Stephanie: Yes. It does. Both of us are very similar in that we love to check that thing off, you know, we don’t want it hanging over our head. Like you said, there is no confusion about who is expected to do what in the delegation.

Vicki: That’s awesome. So you’ve given access, which is just so empowering and awesome. You’re collaborating, you’re actually using the tools that you’re going to be teaching with.

Imagine that! (laughs)

Stephanie: Yes.

  Vicki: And then this whole idea of experimenting — now, experimenting might scare some people. What do you mean by that?

Experimenting

Stephanie: Well, I mean… technology is so ever-changing. I am not afraid to make mistakes in front of my students. I’m not afraid to make mistakes in front of my induction teacher or with my induction teacher.

With previous, less technological mentor induction relationships, I feel like the mentor had so much classroom experience, that sometimes they would always have lessons that would be successful.

You would plan something, and it would go well for the mentor teacher, but then the induction teacher kind of had a fail moment.

There was kind of a disconnect between the mentor saying. “How do I help the induction teacher learn from that and kind of make that process visible?” to where, now, when I try a new technology tool, and it doesn’t work, that would be similar to her trying to do an instructional strategy, technological or not, and having it fail, and first attempt in learning, not a fail.

But me going through that process and being transparent with her, “OK, this tool didn’t work, maybe it was my delivery of instruction,” or something. And I can think through that and reflect on my experience with her. I think that’s really helped when she introduces a new technology tool or a lesson didn’t go well.

Vicki: So basically, you are intentionally experimenting with something new, and you are authentically reflecting with her on what went right and what went wrong, and you’re letting her see you struggle.

  Stephanie: Yes, exactly. And I think that is something that we, as mentor teachers, don’t do enough of because we have just become so comfortable in our lessons and our subject matter and things like that. The introduction of all this new technology is a great opportunity to show that process.

Let them see you struggle

Vicki: I think they used to say, never let them see you sweat, but I think it’s okay.

I’m even transparent and open with my students. So we’ll just have something go completely wrong and I’ll go, “Guys, this was a faceplant! This was terrible! Let’s take a different approach, or give me some feedback so we can do better for next time.”

I think that that transparency just shows our human side and makes us a — I mean, who wants to work with somebody who’s arrogant and pretends like they do everything right? Because nobody does everything right.

Stephanie: Right, exactly. Showing that to her and our students just helps them in so many different ways.

Vicki: I love this, Stephanie!

Stephanie: (laughs)

Vicki: So this is the ACE Mentorship Program approach for building that mentor relationship as you’re helping a new teacher join in.

You know, I would love at some point, and maybe you could put me in touch with her, to interview the other end of this mentoring relationship, but can you give us a peek into how she’s feeling about this?

  Stephanie: She loves it. She wasn’t really a self-professed technology geek like I am, but over the year, we kind of had a lot of experiences together.

We are co-teachers in each other’s Google Classrooms, so the students get a double benefit of having two teachers posting and commenting on their work and things like that.

We’ve done a lot of co-teaching classes together where there was mostly writing where the students were in the Google classroom together. They turn in their writing, or while they’re working on it we both get a chance to comment on it and actually do face-to-face conferences with that technology.

Before she even came to the school, last spring there was a call for proposals at the Georgia Council for Social Studies with an emphasis on technology. And I said, “Hey, do you want to present?” She’s like, “Well, yeah, I guess.”

Vicki: (laughs)

Stephanie: We’ve actually presented at two conferences this year, and she’s actually become Google-certified educator level 1 this year.

She’s definitely integrating all that technology. The students love it. The digital natives love to have immediate feedback.

I think that she’s had a pretty successful year. It’s been my favorite mentor induction relationship so far. Just because she has access to anything, and I feel like I’m an open book, you know? She can get what she needs.

Vicki: Teachers, you know that we have to do better at bringing people into the profession.

Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: I think that being an open book, giving open resources, co-teaching teaching in Google classrooms — I think this is a fantastic model for what it can be and how we can learn from one another.

And Stephanie, I’m just so encouraged, I appreciate you sharing your ACE Mentoring Approach with us.

And remarkable teachers, if you try this out, would you please tweet me?

You may already have something like this going, I would love to know more about successful mentoring approaches when you’re inducting new teachers into the profession.

This is fantastic.

Thank you, Stephanie!

Stephanie: Thank you so much for having me!

Contact us about the show: https://ift.tt/1jailTy

Transcribed by Kymberli Mulford kymberlimulford@gmail.com

Bio as submitted

Stephanie Goldman currently teaches fourth grade language arts and social studies in a 1:1 chromebook classroom at Lincoln County Elementary School in Lincolnton, Georgia. She previously taught in Richmond County (GA) and Spartanburg (SC) County District 1. She earned her bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Furman University in Greenville, South Carolina. She has been honored as Rollins Elementary School’s Teacher of the Year in 2012 and a top five finalist for Richmond County School’s County Teacher of the Year, and as Lincoln County Elementary School’s and Lincoln County’s Teacher of the Year in 2016.

Steph enjoys integrating technology in the classroom to increase student learning and engagement, as well as to make life easier for teachers. She has a passion for mentoring induction and pre-service teachers and helping them to integrate technology as they begin in their teaching career.

She is a Google Certified Educator Levels 1 and 2 as well as a Google Trainer. She loves being a “Google Nerd” and sharing what she has learned. This past spring, she co-taught a Google Certified Educator Level 1 boot camp for Lincoln County. She has presented sessions for the CSRA Regional Educational Service Agency (RESA) and the First District RESA, at Augusta University’s Impacting Student Learning Conference and for an Augusta University graduate class, at the Georgia Council for the Social Studies’ Annual Conference, and for AppsEvents. This summer, she plans to present at an AppsEvents summit and at Ed Tech Team’s Peach Summit.

When not teaching or on the computer, Steph can be found with her husband, Matt, and her three young daughters, or making a joyful noise directing the church choir and playing in the band. She can be found on twitter @dearfutureteach.

Twitter: @dearfutureteach

Disclosure of Material Connection: This is a “sponsored podcast episode.” The company who sponsored it compensated me via cash payment, gift, or something else of value to include a reference to their product. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I believe will be good for my readers and are from companies I can recommend. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.” This company has no impact on the editorial content of the show.

The post ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom appeared first on Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher helping educators be excellent every day. Meow!

ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom published first on https://medium.com/@seminarsacademy

[aira26soonas]

ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Stephanie Goldman on episode 316 of the 10-Minute Teacher Podcast

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

Stephanie Goldman and her first-year mentee Lindsay George have used Google Drive and Google Classroom to supercharge their mentor/mentee relationship. Stephanie calls this the ACE method of mentoring: Access, Collaboration and Experimentation. Learn this powerful method of mentoring. Next week we’ll interview Lindsay George, the other half of this experience.

Listen Now

Listen to the show on iTunes or Stitcher

Stream by clicking here.

***

Enhanced Transcript

Stephanie Golden: ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Link to show: www.coolcatteacher.com/e316 Date: May 21, 2018

Vicki: Today we’re talking with Stephanie Goldman, fourth grade language arts teacher here in Georgia, just a little bit above Augusta.

We’re going to talk about mentoring teachers with their use of technology through the Ace Mentorship Program.

Stephanie, what is the Ace Mentorship Program?

Stephanie: Well, it’s just an acronym that I actually came up with recently.

The A stands for access, the C stands for collaborate and the E stands for experiment.

It’s just something that has popped into my brain recently as I am mentoring a co-teacher in fourth grade. It’s her first year. She just graduated last year.

We are a Google school pushing one-to-one devices and integrated technology, meaningful technology.

Technology can improve the mentor induction teacher relationship

I just think that technology is a way to improve the mentor induction teacher relationship for many reasons. I think the biggest is probably the E for experiment. I just have a passion for induction teachers and pre-service teachers and I’ve just kind of always been an open-book for them.

I think technology has just really improved that relationship and the collaboration between the two.

Vicki: Let’s talk through the three pieces of this, kind of how it looks in this mentorship relationship. So access…

Access

Stephanie: OK. Access. Like I said, I’m an open book. Give them access to your resources.

I’ve only been in the classroom — I say “only” because it’s gone quickly — for twelve years. I know that when I had my mentor induction relationship, I feel like I would always go and ask them.

And at the beginning of the year, you know, they would give you the resources, and then I kind of thought I felt like an annoyance.

When people feel like — I mean, I know that SHE didn’t think I was annoying — I just felt that way. When we feel that way, I think sometimes we kind of shy away from asking what we need.

Now that everything is digital, it’s in the cloud in Google Drive, I’ve kind of given my induction teacher access to everything. All my resources.

It’s mostly organized, but the search feature for Google Drive is excellent. If she’s looking for something for reading comprehension or inferences, she can just type that in to the search and come up with a lot of resources.

Vicki: So you’re literally giving her access to all of your digital files.

  Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: You just say, “I give you complete access to the digital files and to me to just ask me about any of them.”

  Stephanie: Yes. Access to that, so she can get it on the computer. When we’re at school she has access to it. When she’s at home, I think that’s one of the benefits of Google Drive. You don’t know what you need until right when you need it.

So she can go home on her Chromebook and she can search for something. I know that not everybody is as comfortable as I am with sharing everything, so if you wanted to just do shared folders or a team drive where you retain ownership, you can change permissions so that nobody can delete anything.

All of your stuff is safe, but they still have access.

Vicki: Oh, that’s so great…

So that’s the great thing about Google Drive, it’s that there are a lot of different opportunities.

Vicki: Yeah, and they can make it Read Only, and they can just make a copy.

OK. So C for collaborate.

Collaborate

Stephanie: Well, we’re lucky that she’s on the same grade level as I am, so we can have the in-person debrief, and we have collaborative planning during planning time, but the biggest thing is we do our lesson plans in Team Drive.

It just starts as a basic Google Doc, and we have a lot of freedom to choose what kind of format So we just have a basic table, and every day, and the different subjects planned out.

Going back to the access, I remember when I was first teaching with technology, and you would need a website. I would need to email the website to my co-teacher, and then she would have to open it.

But in the Google Doc, in the lesson plan, we can put links in the lesson plan. So if we’re watching a video, we would link the video in that lesson plan. All you have to do is open up that lesson plan for the day, and all your links are already there for you. All of our shared stuff is ready there. So she doesn’t have to come over and say, “Oh, can you remember to email me the insert?” It’s literally all there.

This is also great — once a week we have a designated learning plan that we put in for the next week, and we can kind of map out where the week’s going, and what she’s assigned to.

We’re kind of obsessed with the commenting feature on Google Docs, where I can tag her in a specific thing, I can assign her a specific assignment, and I can assign myself assignments.

I’m a big inbox zero type of person, as soon as I assign myself a comment and I tag that that’s the assignment that I’ve given a task, it pops up into my email. So when I get it done, I want to delete that email.

The same for her, so there’s no confusion about who was expected to do what in the collaborative planning.

Vicki: That’s important.

You just type plus, and you start typing their name, you type in their email, and in the comment, and it will have a little checkbox. And it will say, “Assign this to Stephanie Goldman.” and you’ll check it, and boom, she gets an email, and there you go. It just prevents SO much confusion, doesn’t it?

  Stephanie: Yes. It does. Both of us are very similar in that we love to check that thing off, you know, we don’t want it hanging over our head. Like you said, there is no confusion about who is expected to do what in the delegation.

Vicki: That’s awesome. So you’ve given access, which is just so empowering and awesome. You’re collaborating, you’re actually using the tools that you’re going to be teaching with.

Imagine that! (laughs)

Stephanie: Yes.

  Vicki: And then this whole idea of experimenting — now, experimenting might scare some people. What do you mean by that?

Experimenting

Stephanie: Well, I mean… technology is so ever-changing. I am not afraid to make mistakes in front of my students. I’m not afraid to make mistakes in front of my induction teacher or with my induction teacher.

With previous, less technological mentor induction relationships, I feel like the mentor had so much classroom experience, that sometimes they would always have lessons that would be successful.

You would plan something, and it would go well for the mentor teacher, but then the induction teacher kind of had a fail moment.

There was kind of a disconnect between the mentor saying. “How do I help the induction teacher learn from that and kind of make that process visible?” to where, now, when I try a new technology tool, and it doesn’t work, that would be similar to her trying to do an instructional strategy, technological or not, and having it fail, and first attempt in learning, not a fail.

But me going through that process and being transparent with her, “OK, this tool didn’t work, maybe it was my delivery of instruction,” or something. And I can think through that and reflect on my experience with her. I think that’s really helped when she introduces a new technology tool or a lesson didn’t go well.

Vicki: So basically, you are intentionally experimenting with something new, and you are authentically reflecting with her on what went right and what went wrong, and you’re letting her see you struggle.

  Stephanie: Yes, exactly. And I think that is something that we, as mentor teachers, don’t do enough of because we have just become so comfortable in our lessons and our subject matter and things like that. The introduction of all this new technology is a great opportunity to show that process.

Let them see you struggle

Vicki: I think they used to say, never let them see you sweat, but I think it’s okay.

I’m even transparent and open with my students. So we’ll just have something go completely wrong and I’ll go, “Guys, this was a faceplant! This was terrible! Let’s take a different approach, or give me some feedback so we can do better for next time.”

I think that that transparency just shows our human side and makes us a — I mean, who wants to work with somebody who’s arrogant and pretends like they do everything right? Because nobody does everything right.

Stephanie: Right, exactly. Showing that to her and our students just helps them in so many different ways.

Vicki: I love this, Stephanie!

Stephanie: (laughs)

Vicki: So this is the ACE Mentorship Program approach for building that mentor relationship as you’re helping a new teacher join in.

You know, I would love at some point, and maybe you could put me in touch with her, to interview the other end of this mentoring relationship, but can you give us a peek into how she’s feeling about this?

  Stephanie: She loves it. She wasn’t really a self-professed technology geek like I am, but over the year, we kind of had a lot of experiences together.

We are co-teachers in each other’s Google Classrooms, so the students get a double benefit of having two teachers posting and commenting on their work and things like that.

We’ve done a lot of co-teaching classes together where there was mostly writing where the students were in the Google classroom together. They turn in their writing, or while they’re working on it we both get a chance to comment on it and actually do face-to-face conferences with that technology.

Before she even came to the school, last spring there was a call for proposals at the Georgia Council for Social Studies with an emphasis on technology. And I said, “Hey, do you want to present?” She’s like, “Well, yeah, I guess.”

Vicki: (laughs)

Stephanie: We’ve actually presented at two conferences this year, and she’s actually become Google-certified educator level 1 this year.

She’s definitely integrating all that technology. The students love it. The digital natives love to have immediate feedback.

I think that she’s had a pretty successful year. It’s been my favorite mentor induction relationship so far. Just because she has access to anything, and I feel like I’m an open book, you know? She can get what she needs.

Vicki: Teachers, you know that we have to do better at bringing people into the profession.

Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: I think that being an open book, giving open resources, co-teaching teaching in Google classrooms — I think this is a fantastic model for what it can be and how we can learn from one another.

And Stephanie, I’m just so encouraged, I appreciate you sharing your ACE Mentoring Approach with us.

And remarkable teachers, if you try this out, would you please tweet me?

You may already have something like this going, I would love to know more about successful mentoring approaches when you’re inducting new teachers into the profession.

This is fantastic.

Thank you, Stephanie!

Stephanie: Thank you so much for having me!

Contact us about the show: http://www.coolcatteacher.com/contact/

Transcribed by Kymberli Mulford kymberlimulford@gmail.com

Bio as submitted

Stephanie Goldman currently teaches fourth grade language arts and social studies in a 1:1 chromebook classroom at Lincoln County Elementary School in Lincolnton, Georgia. She previously taught in Richmond County (GA) and Spartanburg (SC) County District 1. She earned her bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Furman University in Greenville, South Carolina. She has been honored as Rollins Elementary School’s Teacher of the Year in 2012 and a top five finalist for Richmond County School’s County Teacher of the Year, and as Lincoln County Elementary School’s and Lincoln County’s Teacher of the Year in 2016.

Steph enjoys integrating technology in the classroom to increase student learning and engagement, as well as to make life easier for teachers. She has a passion for mentoring induction and pre-service teachers and helping them to integrate technology as they begin in their teaching career.

She is a Google Certified Educator Levels 1 and 2 as well as a Google Trainer. She loves being a “Google Nerd” and sharing what she has learned. This past spring, she co-taught a Google Certified Educator Level 1 boot camp for Lincoln County. She has presented sessions for the CSRA Regional Educational Service Agency (RESA) and the First District RESA, at Augusta University’s Impacting Student Learning Conference and for an Augusta University graduate class, at the Georgia Council for the Social Studies’ Annual Conference, and for AppsEvents. This summer, she plans to present at an AppsEvents summit and at Ed Tech Team’s Peach Summit.

When not teaching or on the computer, Steph can be found with her husband, Matt, and her three young daughters, or making a joyful noise directing the church choir and playing in the band. She can be found on twitter @dearfutureteach.

Twitter: @dearfutureteach

Disclosure of Material Connection: This is a “sponsored podcast episode.” The company who sponsored it compensated me via cash payment, gift, or something else of value to include a reference to their product. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I believe will be good for my readers and are from companies I can recommend. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.” This company has no impact on the editorial content of the show.

The post ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom appeared first on Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher helping educators be excellent every day. Meow!

from Cool Cat Teacher BlogCool Cat Teacher Blog http://www.coolcatteacher.com/ace-mentor-relationship-building-google-drive-google-classroom/

[patriciaanderson357-blog]

ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Stephanie Goldman on episode 316 of the 10-Minute Teacher Podcast

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

Stephanie Goldman and her first-year mentee Lindsay George have used Google Drive and Google Classroom to supercharge their mentor/mentee relationship. Stephanie calls this the ACE method of mentoring: Access, Collaboration and Experimentation. Learn this powerful method of mentoring. Next week we’ll interview Lindsay George, the other half of this experience.

Listen Now

Listen to the show on iTunes or Stitcher

Stream by clicking here.

***

Enhanced Transcript

Stephanie Golden: ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Link to show: www.coolcatteacher.com/e316 Date: May 21, 2018

Vicki: Today we’re talking with Stephanie Goldman, fourth grade language arts teacher here in Georgia, just a little bit above Augusta.

We’re going to talk about mentoring teachers with their use of technology through the Ace Mentorship Program.

Stephanie, what is the Ace Mentorship Program?

Stephanie: Well, it’s just an acronym that I actually came up with recently.

The A stands for access, the C stands for collaborate and the E stands for experiment.

It’s just something that has popped into my brain recently as I am mentoring a co-teacher in fourth grade. It’s her first year. She just graduated last year.

We are a Google school pushing one-to-one devices and integrated technology, meaningful technology.

Technology can improve the mentor induction teacher relationship

I just think that technology is a way to improve the mentor induction teacher relationship for many reasons. I think the biggest is probably the E for experiment. I just have a passion for induction teachers and pre-service teachers and I’ve just kind of always been an open-book for them.

I think technology has just really improved that relationship and the collaboration between the two.

Vicki: Let’s talk through the three pieces of this, kind of how it looks in this mentorship relationship. So access…

Access

Stephanie: OK. Access. Like I said, I’m an open book. Give them access to your resources.

I’ve only been in the classroom — I say “only” because it’s gone quickly — for twelve years. I know that when I had my mentor induction relationship, I feel like I would always go and ask them.

And at the beginning of the year, you know, they would give you the resources, and then I kind of thought I felt like an annoyance.

When people feel like — I mean, I know that SHE didn’t think I was annoying — I just felt that way. When we feel that way, I think sometimes we kind of shy away from asking what we need.

Now that everything is digital, it’s in the cloud in Google Drive, I’ve kind of given my induction teacher access to everything. All my resources.

It’s mostly organized, but the search feature for Google Drive is excellent. If she’s looking for something for reading comprehension or inferences, she can just type that in to the search and come up with a lot of resources.

Vicki: So you’re literally giving her access to all of your digital files.

  Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: You just say, “I give you complete access to the digital files and to me to just ask me about any of them.”

  Stephanie: Yes. Access to that, so she can get it on the computer. When we’re at school she has access to it. When she’s at home, I think that’s one of the benefits of Google Drive. You don’t know what you need until right when you need it.

So she can go home on her Chromebook and she can search for something. I know that not everybody is as comfortable as I am with sharing everything, so if you wanted to just do shared folders or a team drive where you retain ownership, you can change permissions so that nobody can delete anything.

All of your stuff is safe, but they still have access.

Vicki: Oh, that’s so great…

So that’s the great thing about Google Drive, it’s that there are a lot of different opportunities.

Vicki: Yeah, and they can make it Read Only, and they can just make a copy.

OK. So C for collaborate.

Collaborate

Stephanie: Well, we’re lucky that she’s on the same grade level as I am, so we can have the in-person debrief, and we have collaborative planning during planning time, but the biggest thing is we do our lesson plans in Team Drive.

It just starts as a basic Google Doc, and we have a lot of freedom to choose what kind of format So we just have a basic table, and every day, and the different subjects planned out.

Going back to the access, I remember when I was first teaching with technology, and you would need a website. I would need to email the website to my co-teacher, and then she would have to open it.

But in the Google Doc, in the lesson plan, we can put links in the lesson plan. So if we’re watching a video, we would link the video in that lesson plan. All you have to do is open up that lesson plan for the day, and all your links are already there for you. All of our shared stuff is ready there. So she doesn’t have to come over and say, “Oh, can you remember to email me the insert?” It’s literally all there.

This is also great — once a week we have a designated learning plan that we put in for the next week, and we can kind of map out where the week’s going, and what she’s assigned to.

We’re kind of obsessed with the commenting feature on Google Docs, where I can tag her in a specific thing, I can assign her a specific assignment, and I can assign myself assignments.

I’m a big inbox zero type of person, as soon as I assign myself a comment and I tag that that’s the assignment that I’ve given a task, it pops up into my email. So when I get it done, I want to delete that email.

The same for her, so there’s no confusion about who was expected to do what in the collaborative planning.

Vicki: That’s important.

You just type plus, and you start typing their name, you type in their email, and in the comment, and it will have a little checkbox. And it will say, “Assign this to Stephanie Goldman.” and you’ll check it, and boom, she gets an email, and there you go. It just prevents SO much confusion, doesn’t it?

  Stephanie: Yes. It does. Both of us are very similar in that we love to check that thing off, you know, we don’t want it hanging over our head. Like you said, there is no confusion about who is expected to do what in the delegation.

Vicki: That’s awesome. So you’ve given access, which is just so empowering and awesome. You’re collaborating, you’re actually using the tools that you’re going to be teaching with.

Imagine that! (laughs)

Stephanie: Yes.

  Vicki: And then this whole idea of experimenting — now, experimenting might scare some people. What do you mean by that?

Experimenting

Stephanie: Well, I mean… technology is so ever-changing. I am not afraid to make mistakes in front of my students. I’m not afraid to make mistakes in front of my induction teacher or with my induction teacher.

With previous, less technological mentor induction relationships, I feel like the mentor had so much classroom experience, that sometimes they would always have lessons that would be successful.

You would plan something, and it would go well for the mentor teacher, but then the induction teacher kind of had a fail moment.

There was kind of a disconnect between the mentor saying. “How do I help the induction teacher learn from that and kind of make that process visible?” to where, now, when I try a new technology tool, and it doesn’t work, that would be similar to her trying to do an instructional strategy, technological or not, and having it fail, and first attempt in learning, not a fail.

But me going through that process and being transparent with her, “OK, this tool didn’t work, maybe it was my delivery of instruction,” or something. And I can think through that and reflect on my experience with her. I think that’s really helped when she introduces a new technology tool or a lesson didn’t go well.

Vicki: So basically, you are intentionally experimenting with something new, and you are authentically reflecting with her on what went right and what went wrong, and you’re letting her see you struggle.

  Stephanie: Yes, exactly. And I think that is something that we, as mentor teachers, don’t do enough of because we have just become so comfortable in our lessons and our subject matter and things like that. The introduction of all this new technology is a great opportunity to show that process.

Let them see you struggle

Vicki: I think they used to say, never let them see you sweat, but I think it’s okay.

I’m even transparent and open with my students. So we’ll just have something go completely wrong and I’ll go, “Guys, this was a faceplant! This was terrible! Let’s take a different approach, or give me some feedback so we can do better for next time.”

I think that that transparency just shows our human side and makes us a — I mean, who wants to work with somebody who’s arrogant and pretends like they do everything right? Because nobody does everything right.

Stephanie: Right, exactly. Showing that to her and our students just helps them in so many different ways.

Vicki: I love this, Stephanie!

Stephanie: (laughs)

Vicki: So this is the ACE Mentorship Program approach for building that mentor relationship as you’re helping a new teacher join in.

You know, I would love at some point, and maybe you could put me in touch with her, to interview the other end of this mentoring relationship, but can you give us a peek into how she’s feeling about this?

  Stephanie: She loves it. She wasn’t really a self-professed technology geek like I am, but over the year, we kind of had a lot of experiences together.

We are co-teachers in each other’s Google Classrooms, so the students get a double benefit of having two teachers posting and commenting on their work and things like that.

We’ve done a lot of co-teaching classes together where there was mostly writing where the students were in the Google classroom together. They turn in their writing, or while they’re working on it we both get a chance to comment on it and actually do face-to-face conferences with that technology.

Before she even came to the school, last spring there was a call for proposals at the Georgia Council for Social Studies with an emphasis on technology. And I said, “Hey, do you want to present?” She’s like, “Well, yeah, I guess.”

Vicki: (laughs)

Stephanie: We’ve actually presented at two conferences this year, and she’s actually become Google-certified educator level 1 this year.

She’s definitely integrating all that technology. The students love it. The digital natives love to have immediate feedback.

I think that she’s had a pretty successful year. It’s been my favorite mentor induction relationship so far. Just because she has access to anything, and I feel like I’m an open book, you know? She can get what she needs.

Vicki: Teachers, you know that we have to do better at bringing people into the profession.

Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: I think that being an open book, giving open resources, co-teaching teaching in Google classrooms — I think this is a fantastic model for what it can be and how we can learn from one another.

And Stephanie, I’m just so encouraged, I appreciate you sharing your ACE Mentoring Approach with us.

And remarkable teachers, if you try this out, would you please tweet me?

You may already have something like this going, I would love to know more about successful mentoring approaches when you’re inducting new teachers into the profession.

This is fantastic.

Thank you, Stephanie!

Stephanie: Thank you so much for having me!

Contact us about the show: http://www.coolcatteacher.com/contact/

Transcribed by Kymberli Mulford kymberlimulford@gmail.com

Bio as submitted

Stephanie Goldman currently teaches fourth grade language arts and social studies in a 1:1 chromebook classroom at Lincoln County Elementary School in Lincolnton, Georgia. She previously taught in Richmond County (GA) and Spartanburg (SC) County District 1. She earned her bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Furman University in Greenville, South Carolina. She has been honored as Rollins Elementary School’s Teacher of the Year in 2012 and a top five finalist for Richmond County School’s County Teacher of the Year, and as Lincoln County Elementary School’s and Lincoln County’s Teacher of the Year in 2016.

Steph enjoys integrating technology in the classroom to increase student learning and engagement, as well as to make life easier for teachers. She has a passion for mentoring induction and pre-service teachers and helping them to integrate technology as they begin in their teaching career.

She is a Google Certified Educator Levels 1 and 2 as well as a Google Trainer. She loves being a “Google Nerd” and sharing what she has learned. This past spring, she co-taught a Google Certified Educator Level 1 boot camp for Lincoln County. She has presented sessions for the CSRA Regional Educational Service Agency (RESA) and the First District RESA, at Augusta University’s Impacting Student Learning Conference and for an Augusta University graduate class, at the Georgia Council for the Social Studies’ Annual Conference, and for AppsEvents. This summer, she plans to present at an AppsEvents summit and at Ed Tech Team’s Peach Summit.

When not teaching or on the computer, Steph can be found with her husband, Matt, and her three young daughters, or making a joyful noise directing the church choir and playing in the band. She can be found on twitter @dearfutureteach.

Twitter: @dearfutureteach

Disclosure of Material Connection: This is a “sponsored podcast episode.” The company who sponsored it compensated me via cash payment, gift, or something else of value to include a reference to their product. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I believe will be good for my readers and are from companies I can recommend. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.” This company has no impact on the editorial content of the show.

The post ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom appeared first on Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis @coolcatteacher helping educators be excellent every day. Meow!

[athena29stone]

ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Stephanie Goldman on episode 316 of the 10-Minute Teacher Podcast

From the Cool Cat Teacher Blog by Vicki Davis

Follow @coolcatteacher on Twitter

Stephanie Goldman and her first-year mentee Lindsay George have used Google Drive and Google Classroom to supercharge their mentor/mentee relationship. Stephanie calls this the ACE method of mentoring: Access, Collaboration and Experimentation. Learn this powerful method of mentoring. Next week we’ll interview Lindsay George, the other half of this experience.

Listen Now

Listen to the show on iTunes or Stitcher

Stream by clicking here.

***

Enhanced Transcript

Stephanie Golden: ACE Mentor Relationship Building with Google Drive and Google Classroom

Link to show: www.coolcatteacher.com/e316 Date: May 21, 2018

Vicki: Today we’re talking with Stephanie Goldman, fourth grade language arts teacher here in Georgia, just a little bit above Augusta.

We’re going to talk about mentoring teachers with their use of technology through the Ace Mentorship Program.

Stephanie, what is the Ace Mentorship Program?

Stephanie: Well, it’s just an acronym that I actually came up with recently.

The A stands for access, the C stands for collaborate and the E stands for experiment.

It’s just something that has popped into my brain recently as I am mentoring a co-teacher in fourth grade. It’s her first year. She just graduated last year.

We are a Google school pushing one-to-one devices and integrated technology, meaningful technology.

Technology can improve the mentor induction teacher relationship

I just think that technology is a way to improve the mentor induction teacher relationship for many reasons. I think the biggest is probably the E for experiment. I just have a passion for induction teachers and pre-service teachers and I’ve just kind of always been an open-book for them.

I think technology has just really improved that relationship and the collaboration between the two.

Vicki: Let’s talk through the three pieces of this, kind of how it looks in this mentorship relationship. So access…

Access

Stephanie: OK. Access. Like I said, I’m an open book. Give them access to your resources.

I’ve only been in the classroom — I say “only” because it’s gone quickly — for twelve years. I know that when I had my mentor induction relationship, I feel like I would always go and ask them.

And at the beginning of the year, you know, they would give you the resources, and then I kind of thought I felt like an annoyance.

When people feel like — I mean, I know that SHE didn’t think I was annoying — I just felt that way. When we feel that way, I think sometimes we kind of shy away from asking what we need.

Now that everything is digital, it’s in the cloud in Google Drive, I’ve kind of given my induction teacher access to everything. All my resources.

It’s mostly organized, but the search feature for Google Drive is excellent. If she’s looking for something for reading comprehension or inferences, she can just type that in to the search and come up with a lot of resources.

Vicki: So you’re literally giving her access to all of your digital files.

  Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: You just say, “I give you complete access to the digital files and to me to just ask me about any of them.”

  Stephanie: Yes. Access to that, so she can get it on the computer. When we’re at school she has access to it. When she’s at home, I think that’s one of the benefits of Google Drive. You don’t know what you need until right when you need it.

So she can go home on her Chromebook and she can search for something. I know that not everybody is as comfortable as I am with sharing everything, so if you wanted to just do shared folders or a team drive where you retain ownership, you can change permissions so that nobody can delete anything.

All of your stuff is safe, but they still have access.

Vicki: Oh, that’s so great…

So that’s the great thing about Google Drive, it’s that there are a lot of different opportunities.

Vicki: Yeah, and they can make it Read Only, and they can just make a copy.

OK. So C for collaborate.

Collaborate

Stephanie: Well, we’re lucky that she’s on the same grade level as I am, so we can have the in-person debrief, and we have collaborative planning during planning time, but the biggest thing is we do our lesson plans in Team Drive.

It just starts as a basic Google Doc, and we have a lot of freedom to choose what kind of format So we just have a basic table, and every day, and the different subjects planned out.

Going back to the access, I remember when I was first teaching with technology, and you would need a website. I would need to email the website to my co-teacher, and then she would have to open it.

But in the Google Doc, in the lesson plan, we can put links in the lesson plan. So if we’re watching a video, we would link the video in that lesson plan. All you have to do is open up that lesson plan for the day, and all your links are already there for you. All of our shared stuff is ready there. So she doesn’t have to come over and say, “Oh, can you remember to email me the insert?” It’s literally all there.

This is also great — once a week we have a designated learning plan that we put in for the next week, and we can kind of map out where the week’s going, and what she’s assigned to.

We’re kind of obsessed with the commenting feature on Google Docs, where I can tag her in a specific thing, I can assign her a specific assignment, and I can assign myself assignments.

I’m a big inbox zero type of person, as soon as I assign myself a comment and I tag that that’s the assignment that I’ve given a task, it pops up into my email. So when I get it done, I want to delete that email.

The same for her, so there’s no confusion about who was expected to do what in the collaborative planning.

Vicki: That’s important.

You just type plus, and you start typing their name, you type in their email, and in the comment, and it will have a little checkbox. And it will say, “Assign this to Stephanie Goldman.” and you’ll check it, and boom, she gets an email, and there you go. It just prevents SO much confusion, doesn’t it?

  Stephanie: Yes. It does. Both of us are very similar in that we love to check that thing off, you know, we don’t want it hanging over our head. Like you said, there is no confusion about who is expected to do what in the delegation.

Vicki: That’s awesome. So you’ve given access, which is just so empowering and awesome. You’re collaborating, you’re actually using the tools that you’re going to be teaching with.

Imagine that! (laughs)

Stephanie: Yes.

  Vicki: And then this whole idea of experimenting — now, experimenting might scare some people. What do you mean by that?

Experimenting

Stephanie: Well, I mean… technology is so ever-changing. I am not afraid to make mistakes in front of my students. I’m not afraid to make mistakes in front of my induction teacher or with my induction teacher.

With previous, less technological mentor induction relationships, I feel like the mentor had so much classroom experience, that sometimes they would always have lessons that would be successful.

You would plan something, and it would go well for the mentor teacher, but then the induction teacher kind of had a fail moment.

There was kind of a disconnect between the mentor saying. “How do I help the induction teacher learn from that and kind of make that process visible?” to where, now, when I try a new technology tool, and it doesn’t work, that would be similar to her trying to do an instructional strategy, technological or not, and having it fail, and first attempt in learning, not a fail.

But me going through that process and being transparent with her, “OK, this tool didn’t work, maybe it was my delivery of instruction,” or something. And I can think through that and reflect on my experience with her. I think that’s really helped when she introduces a new technology tool or a lesson didn’t go well.

Vicki: So basically, you are intentionally experimenting with something new, and you are authentically reflecting with her on what went right and what went wrong, and you’re letting her see you struggle.

  Stephanie: Yes, exactly. And I think that is something that we, as mentor teachers, don’t do enough of because we have just become so comfortable in our lessons and our subject matter and things like that. The introduction of all this new technology is a great opportunity to show that process.

Let them see you struggle

Vicki: I think they used to say, never let them see you sweat, but I think it’s okay.

I’m even transparent and open with my students. So we’ll just have something go completely wrong and I’ll go, “Guys, this was a faceplant! This was terrible! Let’s take a different approach, or give me some feedback so we can do better for next time.”

I think that that transparency just shows our human side and makes us a — I mean, who wants to work with somebody who’s arrogant and pretends like they do everything right? Because nobody does everything right.

Stephanie: Right, exactly. Showing that to her and our students just helps them in so many different ways.

Vicki: I love this, Stephanie!

Stephanie: (laughs)

Vicki: So this is the ACE Mentorship Program approach for building that mentor relationship as you’re helping a new teacher join in.

You know, I would love at some point, and maybe you could put me in touch with her, to interview the other end of this mentoring relationship, but can you give us a peek into how she’s feeling about this?

  Stephanie: She loves it. She wasn’t really a self-professed technology geek like I am, but over the year, we kind of had a lot of experiences together.

We are co-teachers in each other’s Google Classrooms, so the students get a double benefit of having two teachers posting and commenting on their work and things like that.

We’ve done a lot of co-teaching classes together where there was mostly writing where the students were in the Google classroom together. They turn in their writing, or while they’re working on it we both get a chance to comment on it and actually do face-to-face conferences with that technology.

Before she even came to the school, last spring there was a call for proposals at the Georgia Council for Social Studies with an emphasis on technology. And I said, “Hey, do you want to present?” She’s like, “Well, yeah, I guess.”

Vicki: (laughs)

Stephanie: We’ve actually presented at two conferences this year, and she’s actually become Google-certified educator level 1 this year.

She’s definitely integrating all that technology. The students love it. The digital natives love to have immediate feedback.

I think that she’s had a pretty successful year. It’s been my favorite mentor induction relationship so far. Just because she has access to anything, and I feel like I’m an open book, you know? She can get what she needs.

Vicki: Teachers, you know that we have to do better at bringing people into the profession.

Stephanie: Yes.

Vicki: I think that being an open book, giving open resources, co-teaching teaching in Google classrooms — I think this is a fantastic model for what it can be and how we can learn from one another.

And Stephanie, I’m just so encouraged, I appreciate you sharing your ACE Mentoring Approach with us.

And remarkable teachers, if you try this out, would you please tweet me?

You may already have something like this going, I would love to know more about successful mentoring approaches when you’re inducting new teachers into the profession.

This is fantastic.

Thank you, Stephanie!

Stephanie: Thank you so much for having me!

Contact us about the show: http://www.coolcatteacher.com/contact/

Transcribed by Kymberli Mulford kymberlimulford@gmail.com

Bio as submitted

Stephanie Goldman currently teaches fourth grade language arts and social studies in a 1:1 chromebook classroom at Lincoln County Elementary School in Lincolnton, Georgia. She previously taught in Richmond County (GA) and Spartanburg (SC) County District 1. She earned her bachelor’s and master’s degrees from Furman University in Greenville, South Carolina. She has been honored as Rollins Elementary School’s Teacher of the Year in 2012 and a top five finalist for Richmond County School’s County Teacher of the Year, and as Lincoln County Elementary School’s and Lincoln County’s Teacher of the Year in 2016.

Steph enjoys integrating technology in the classroom to increase student learning and engagement, as well as to make life easier for teachers. She has a passion for mentoring induction and pre-service teachers and helping them to integrate technology as they begin in their teaching career.

She is a Google Certified Educator Levels 1 and 2 as well as a Google Trainer. She loves being a “Google Nerd” and sharing what she has learned. This past spring, she co-taught a Google Certified Educator Level 1 boot camp for Lincoln County. She has presented sessions for the CSRA Regional Educational Service Agency (RESA) and the First District RESA, at Augusta University’s Impacting Student Learning Conference and for an Augusta University graduate class, at the Georgia Council for the Social Studies’ Annual Conference, and for AppsEvents. This summer, she plans to present at an AppsEvents summit and at Ed Tech Team’s Peach Summit.

When not teaching or on the computer, Steph can be found with her husband, Matt, and her three young daughters, or making a joyful noise directing the church choir and playing in the band. She can be found on twitter @dearfutureteach.

Twitter: @dearfutureteach

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