#or maybe i’m scared to be self indulgent idk

[xiaeom]

anyone else get like. art cockblocked by themself

[soup-for-ghosts]

you know what friend reblogged pass the yuri and I’ve decided it’s late enough and I am beyond insanity so I can be cringe and free forever

shout out to all two (2) ophilirose fans…. me and bean, shout out to me and bean

[olympiansally]

rejoice, for I caved to my impulses and have now written trans Light smut

[bakubunny]

i’m gonna indulge you in more eraserdust

shiggy who get’s out of prison on good behavior (it’s a longer story than that but i’m being lazy) basically he’s allowed out but he has to be on heavy watch.

thinking of shouta who’s not in the hero scene as much anymore, offers to take him in because even though he was a menace, sho can understand /why/.

shiggy tries his best to get under sho’s skin but, the man doesn’t scare easy. he’s as cool as a cucumber, treats him like a human being, but doesn’t take no shit.

idk idk 😵‍💫

full disclosure: this took a (v. self indulgent) eraserdust x reader-ish vibe. if you don’t mind. 🫣

ugh ok but can you imagine daddy!shota who doesn’t put up with tomura’s shit?? 😵‍💫

like in general he doesn’t put up with tomura’s nonsense. and he can tell the kid has a ton of issues. he also catches him looking at you both when your back is turned bc even as a retired hero, he’s still quick and perceptive as hell bc he still trains heroes at UA when he’s able. so tomura’s feelings are hardly a secret to him. but of course, shota is protective of you… and sort of wants what’s best for tomura in a way.

then one night, maybe it’s bc you were being a little too bratty or you just wanted him to be mean, shota is exactly that. he’s mean and punishing and has you whining and begging for every little thing.

you both think tomura is gone but he somehow sneaks back in the house and hears fucking everything. so now he’s beating it pathetically in the room next door, listening in while you whine about “daddy please,” this and “daddy it hurts,” that and all of a sudden shota stops. you have no idea why, you’re bent over naked and floating in an entirely different headspace from the endorphins released.

the words are muffled, but tomura’s got his ear pressed to the wall.

“sho?”

“did you hear that?” he asks.

tomura panics as his dick throbs at the thought of getting caught because he couldn’t stop whining while fucking his fist.

“n-no? what is it, babe?” you reply.

shota contemplates telling you that he’s almost sure heard a whine come from the wall, but decides that, at least today, he’s going to keep the information to himself and save you the embarrassment.

“it’s nothing. don’t you worry your pretty little head, babygirl,” he replies before landing another hard strike onto your ass.

[stars-tonight]

rating haikyū!! characters based on how much I'd like to date them

slowly starting to realize that I'm the problem. . .

hinata shōyō: 5/10

I'm like 5'3 which is SHORTER than hinata so ig it could serve as an ego boost for him

no but how would we ever reach anything on the top shelf 😭

although I guess he could just jump for it??

very high-energy all the time and I honestly don't think I'd be able to keep up with him

kageyama tobio: 8/10

jeez idk on this one

we'd either get along really well or he'd hate my guts

like hey, you're socially awkward, I'm socially anxious

he's too good at volleyball and it'd make me feel inferior

if he's not motivated to learn English idk how this is gonna work

running around in the snow and throwing snowballs at each other 🥺

tsukishima kei: 8/10

I feel like hanging mirrors would be a big problem

he's a whole foot taller than me

I like the low energy vibes and the appreciation for music though

like imagine walks together where we share playlists with each other??

hopefully his saltiness and intelligence can rub off on me

nishinoya yū: 4.5/10

he's shorter than me help 😭

the top shelf would never get used

a little too energetic for me

although I would LOVE to learn the Rolling Thunder

he's kind of a wanderer and I think I’d prefer stability especially later in life

probably would not work out

sugawara kōshi: 8/10

baking dates??

I feel like he'd be so sweet and attentive as a partner

a bit of a troll which I need in my life

hopefully he doesn't lecture me cause I'm a sensitive little sh--

oikawa tōru: 10/10

I'll let myself be self-indulgent here because I love him too much

I just want to hug him and tell him he's worked hard and he's done so well

I have trouble with words but I feel like with him they'd just flow so easily

vulnerability is beautiful and I'd be so honored if he could be himself around me

amusement park dates!! I feel like he’d pretend to be all cool but shriek so loud when we get to the top

kozume kenma: 9/10

we're both extra introverted so I feel like we could just hang out in his room while he plays games and I read and be perfectly content

writing love notes and leaving them for each other throughout the house 🥺

hear me out, escape room dates??

but also how would either of us be able to get along in society

we'd stay up until 5 am together 😭

on second thought maybe we're a little TOO similar for a romantic relationship. . .

kuroo tetsurō: 8/10

also almost too tall

can he tutor me in chemistry 😭

I know he likes dogs but I’m dragging him with me to cat cafes

ushijima wakatoshi: 7.5/10

also really tall

I'm lowkey scared of him

I feel like he'd be a really traditional and calm partner, both qualities that I appreciate

I think he's like formal but also private when it comes to dates

I just feel like I'd always have to take the initiative and honestly I get really lazy and shouldn't be trusted to plan anything so maybe we just wouldn't end up going on any dates lmao

probably wouldn't work out if I'm gonna be honest

akaashi keiji: 10/10

this guy is boyfriend material

he can memorize all 37 of my weaknesses

I don’t think I have to explain why this guy would be great as a partner

book store dates!!

bokuto kōtarō: 5/10

also too energetic for me

bokuto deserves someone patient and cheerful and I am neither

I'm pretty stoic and have an RBF so if he's in emo mode idk how I'd be able to cheer him up

but I think life would never be boring with him around

miya atsumu: 7.5/10

I like atsumu well enough but I'm honestly super neutral about dating him

like I feel like it could work but there's also people I’d click with more

idk there's really no thoughts in my brain when I think about him in a romantic way

miya osamu: 7/10

I'm a REALLY picky eater so I could never go on food dates or help him with his restaurant

although he IS a little calmer than his brother

also like atsumu, someone that I never thought about dating

suna rintarō: 8.5/10

I think he’s a good height (in between ‘the high shelf would never be used’ and ‘the mirror is problematic’)

he's a phone addict, I'm a phone addict, we'd get along splendidly

I feel like a relationship with him would be pretty chill and lowkey

I don't do well with fancy and formal so that's perfect

late-night stargazing 🥺

kita shinsuke: 7/10

dude I'd be lowkey scared of him

he's just so productive?? and structured in his daily life

like I wish I was that organized but no I'll be staying up until 4 or 5 am on school nights just wasting my life away

I'm too much of a wreck for him

kita deserves better ☠️

sakusa kiyoomi 7.5/10

hmm

I'm a clean freak about some things but also horrendously messy about others so I don't even think he'd like me

isn't he also really tall

why does he not feel tall 😭

like with tsukishima and kuroo you FEEL like they're tall while with suna and sakusa you just know they're tall because the wiki tells you

in my mind sakusa is like 5'9 lmao

hoshiumi kōrai: 7/10

same deal as with hinata and nishinoya

he's a little too short for us to live a practical life

no thoughts about him romantically either

hirugami sachirō: 7.5/10

unfortunately I don't know much about him

but he's going to be a vet!! and I love animals

we will definitely raise cats

[jvnluvr]

author’s note: sooo, long time no see haha. i haven’t been able to write blue lock stuff lately n i’m sorry about that. hsr has kinda been in my mind lately, especially dan heng/imbibitor lunae for those of you who know. idk if many of my followers even know abt hsr but those who followed the tags, i hope u enjoy. mostly self indulgent btw, it’s very short and i wrote it on a whim at 2am.

ft. dan heng x f!reader

ever since you joined the express, you were able to see a side of dan heng nobody else was really able to crack. he was able to feel atleast somewhat vulnerable with you, and you both cherished your moments together when it came to trailblazing.

of course, you all sleep in separate rooms. but you both have shared with each other that sometimes you get nightmares. the type to where you can’t find yourself falling back asleep once you’ve been through the experience. usually when this happens for you, you tend to catch up on other things in the middle of the night.

but this particular night, you woke up in a cold sweat, a pang of fear hitting your stomach, and it continued to linger. trying to distract yourself was futile, so your body moved on it’s own. you slowly opened your door, walking a mere couple of steps as you found yourself slowly opening dan heng’s door, as knocking would have made too much noise.

he’s awake, to your surprise, casual clothing and in bed, reading a book with a tiny light source near him. however, his head strikes up as he hears his door open, but his tension is relieved when he sees it’s you. you’re rubbing your eyes as you close the door behind you, and you never really planned out what you were going to say to him, as you’ve never done this before.

“um.. ah..” you whisper out in the dimly lit room. “i can leave if you want but— just uh.. ‘had a nightmare and i don’t know why but i got up and here i was—” you let out a breath, exasperated just thinking about your nightmare from before. you look back at him and his eyes urge you to come closer and so you do.

you continue to walk until your sitting in front of him, and you explain properly what happened. he intently listens to you, secretly admiring you in the process though. his fingers slightly graze over yours, like a request, to which you invite him in, intertwining your fingers together as you unexpectedly wrap your arms around him, bringing him in for a hug.

at first, you don’t feel him reciprocate your action, to which you get scared. maybe you did step too far? you try and pull back quickly, but his arms instinctively wrap around your waist, keeping you in his lap as you breathe the same air.

“you can sleep here tonight, i don’t mind.” he whispers in your ear, not only rubbing small circles on your back, but also pressing a very delicate kiss against your cheek. you’re shocked to say the least, but maybe your sleepy mind is completely out of energy to even question why dan heng was acting like this. maybe he knew you wouldn’t ask.

it comes almost naturally to the two of you as he closes the light he was once using to read. he lies you both down, keeping his arms around you as your legs start to tangle together. you feel dizzy with love as you quickly drift off to sleep, feeling safe in his arms. however, dan heng stays awake a little longer, to look at you and quickly say a small “i love you.” before falling asleep beside you.

[littlemissmanga]

If you’re still doing the 200-word game, I’d love to see Wolffe with fem!reader for prompt 10. Maybe she’s used to doing things on her own and has a hard time relaxing :)

Send me one of the following and a clone and I'll write a 200 word spicy drabble.

YES! Nonnie, IDK how you knew to send this in, but let me tell you I'm feeling this in my soul. I'm so sorry it took so long, I hope this hits the right note.

Also, this is entirely self-indulgent cause it's been a WEEK at work and it's only Tuesday lol.

Pairing: Wolffe x f!Reader

W/C: 750 (sorry I couldn't stay within the 200 tonight.

Warnings: Spice, heavy petting, nudity (f), fingering

Divider by @samspenandsword

You couldn’t even care about the concerning clink that rung out when your bag hit the floor, your poor lunch container likely cracked now.

Kriff it, what else can go wrong today!?

It had been hell. After busting your ass for three weeks, the client had changed the parameters for the project you were working on. Even worse, you knew this would happen. Saw it coming from the beginning told the client as much. But your boss — needing to save face in front of the client and always be right — told you to just do instructed.

Sure enough, now that’s three weeks of work wasted and you know you’ll be blamed if the deadline isn’t met. So instead of relaxing this weekend, you’ll be up to your elbow in work.

Not even bothering to suppress a groan, you kicked your shoes off and made your way into your apartment, only to feel strong hands grab at your waist as you passed the kitchen. Immediately, you tensed, pulling your arm back to strike, until ...

“Hey, hey, it’s just me, sweetheart.”

The low voice — unmodulated by his helmet or a holocall — instantly killed your defenses.

“Wolffe,” you sighed, turning to relax fully into his arms as you rested your forehead against his chest. He had already showered and changed into the clothes you kept for him when he was on leave. Gods, just the feel of him, the smell of him, was already calming your over-fried nerves. “Stars, I’m so glad you’re here.”

He chuckled and pulled you tighter. “Rough day?”

“Try a rough month,” you mumbled into his chest. “And it’s about to be a rough weekend.”

“Ah.”

You never understood it. Your petty corporate struggles pale in comparison to the challenges Wolffe had to face every day. And yet, he had endless patience for them, listening to your complaining. He approached everything so tactically and yet he genuinely cared enough to just support and validate you without judgement.

“Well, I can’t help with your work,” he said, rubbing soothing circles on your back. “But I do know you can’t do anything overwhelmed and overstressed. And that is something I can help with.”

Oh, now that was tempting. But…

“And before you start burning out that brain of yours, you know I’m right. Nothing of value is getting done if you’re already running on empty.”

You lean back to look at Wolffe, taking him in fully for the first time. “You’re not taking ‘no’ for an answer, are you?”

He cocked an eyebrow, giving you a discerning look that you were sure scared the boys of the 104th into obedience. “No.”

His hands slid to your front, pulling your blouse from your skirt and deftly unbuttoning it.

“You’ve been working hard. And you have more hard work in front of you. It’s not a crime to take a break to care for yourself. I … I worry you don’t do that enough,” he admitted, pushing the light fabric off your shoulders and onto the floor.

He moved on to your skirt, carefully pulling the zipper so it wouldn’t catch. “And now that I’m here, I can make sure you’re cared for the way you deserve.”

Invading your space further, Wolffe trailed the lightest of kisses across the top of your bare shoulder up the column of your neck, moving slowly to touch every inch of your skin with his lips. You barely registered how much you were leaning into him, relying on him to hold you, until he gathered you in his arms and began walking to your bedroom.

“I take care of myself just fine, I’ll have you know,” you countered as he laid you gently across your bed. “You spoil me. There’s a difference.”

Wolffe’s smile was positively sinful as he shook his head. He pulled himself over you, resting on his side so he could map out the curves of your body with one hand.

“There shouldn’t be, sweetheart.”

You would have protested more normally. Your mind was desperately trying to hold onto the urgency of your work, needing to get started lest your anxious thoughts consume you, but it was getting harder and harder. A pleasant fog overtook your thoughts, your body already having yielded to his touch, legs opening at the barest tap from his calloused hand. His rough touch pulled a gasp from you as he passed lightly over your heat.

“That’s it, baby. Just let go. Lay back and let me take care of you.”

So you did. And it wasn’t long before the only thing you could think was Wolffe.

[anotherfuckingmarvelfanaccount]

Come to Me

My Masterlist

This ask combined with the addition both from the lovely @chrisevansdaughter

Pairing(s): Steve Rogers x ADHD!Reader, Platonic!Clint Barton x Reader (sibling like relationship)

Warnings: Traumatic mission, reader has a hard time communicating, mentions of a panic attack, this is probably terribly self-indulgent bc i’m terrible with my feelings and probably have undiagnosed adhd, reader is terrified of heights, reader probably has PTSD (or maybe PTS?? idk what they’re really calling it)

Word Count: 2091

Summary: 3 months after the mission that changed your life again, you finally let Steve in to help.

**

It had been 3 months. 3 months since the mission that had seemingly changed your life. You couldn’t get the images of what happened out of your head. You hadn’t told anyone about how much it was affecting you, and honestly you weren’t even quite sure of how to word what you were feeling. You weren’t diagnosed with ADHD as a kid like many people you knew, you weren’t diagnosed until about 5 years ago, but now as an adult, you understand that it can be the reason you have issues voicing your feelings. The words just don’t come out of your head the way that you want them to, and it’s hard to get your point across without rambling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the mission, you, Steve, and Clint were walking through a jungle towards a HYDRA base, when all of a sudden you guys came across a gigantic ravine. “Oh fuck no.” You said, looking at the rickety bridge 20 feet away from the three of you and instantly seeing flashbacks. 

You had met Clint years ago in the circus and he had practically adopted you as his younger sister instantly. You were a tightrope walker, and as the years passed, you didn’t want to do more daring stunts, but your ringmaster pushed you to. 

One day, you went to perform your act live, only to find that a thinner rope was placed 10 feet higher than your usual act was done at and there was no safety net below you. You had never practiced more than 3 feet higher than your usual act, and never without a safety net, so you were very scared climbing the ladder. But it wasn’t until halfway through your act that it happened, you slipped. If it weren’t for Clint sprinting out to catch you, you most likely would’ve died from the fall. 

Clint had given your ringmaster hell later for doing that to you, and swore to never move you higher or give you a different rope again without you practicing first. But you were so scared to even climb the ladder that you never went back to tightrope walking, and the two of you went to work for SHIELD not long after, so you for the remaining time in the circus, you did harder tricks on a balance beam, something you’d be less likely to fall off of and you almost definitely wouldn’t get hurt doing so.

But either way, this mission had a very rickety old bridge that the three of you were going to have to cross to get to the HYDRA base. And then you were going to have to cross it again to get back to the jet.

“How about I stay here and take out just about anyone that comes by and you guys go into the base?” You asked as they walked towards the bridge.

Clint turned and softened his gaze when he saw how scared you were. “N/N, I know. I know what’s going on right now, but we need you in there with us. We will keep you safe, I promise.” Based on the very confused look that your boyfriend was giving your brother, Clint was able to figure out that you hadn’t told Steve about your crippling fear of heights due to what happened.

“Fine, Clint. But you go first. I’ll be in the middle so either of you can catch me when something bad inevitably happens.”

“And after this, you tell Steve.” He said, glaring at you disapprovingly.

You rolled your eyes, “Sure, sure, Clint.”

After the three of you had crossed the bridge, the rest of the mission went really smoothly. You had gotten the files on a USB, wiped the computer, and did some property damage to both the computer and the building. But unfortunately, the three of you had to cross that bridge again.

“Aw, Clint, do I have to?” You asked, whining slightly

“If you want to sleep in your own bed ever again, yes. And think, nothing happened the first time.” You shook your head at this, but gestured again for him to go first and you would follow. Clint started slowly making his way across the bridge, while Steve listened for creaks telling that one of the boards was going to snap. But it didn’t happen while Clint was standing on the board, it happened with you on it. You screamed as you fell, flailing your arms to grab on to anything you possibly could. You hadn’t fallen far when you grabbed something though, the bottom of the board you were standing on was dangling from the rope holding the bridge up, but it was quickly unraveling itself from this end too.

“Sweetheart, grab my hand.” Steve called, reaching down to you.

You reached up for him, but felt the board slip more. “I can’t, the board will break! You guys have to get out of here before the whole bridge breaks!”

“Are you serious, Y/N? Leave you here to die?” Clint asked. “Never. I’m holding the knot in place. Reach up to Steve, he has you, okay?” 

And it was when you nodded up at Clint that you made your fatal mistake. You looked down. “I can’t do this. I’m gonna die.”

“Hey, hey, look at me, N/N. Look at me. You’re not gonna die. We’re right here and we will never let that happen. Just reach for Steve, okay?” He asked.

“Okay,” You said, panicking. “I dunno if I can.”

“You can do it, sweetheart, I’m right here, just give me your hand.” You reached up to Steve, feeling the board creak under you as you shifted your weight, but you knew Clint was holding the knot in place so the board wouldn’t fall until after Steve had pulled you back to safety.

Steve grabbed onto your hand and pulled, bringing you back up to level with the boys, and back to safety as you practically ran across the bridge to solid ground, and then to the jet so you could go home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You could barely sleep, everytime you laid down and closed your eyes you felt like you were falling again. It wasn’t unless you were sleeping practically underneath Steve that you actually felt safe. You tried your best to not let Steve know what a hard time you’d been having since that mission, but you were sure he knew. He could always read you like a book.

Sliding down the inside of your bedroom door, you knew you were having a panic attack, but there was no way that you were going to let Steve find out. You’d already burdened him with so much that you didn’t want this dumb mission from 3 months ago to add on to that.

“Honey?” Steve called, “Where are you?” You tried to hide your heavy breathing, you could get through this panic attack by yourself, you didn’t need to rely on Steve. “I can hear you breathing in the bedroom, are you okay?” Damn his super-soldier hearing.

“I- I’m fine, Stevie. It’s okay.” You said shakily.

You could practically hear Steve rolling his eyes. “No you aren’t, open the door, doll.” You moved away from the door and Steve walked in, noticing your panicked state. “Hey, woah, sweetheart, you’re not okay. Why would you try to hide this?” He shook his head softly. “Never mind, let’s get you calmed down before we have a serious conversation.”

You nodded slowly, knowing you were going to have to figure out a way to word your feelings, but that thought only made you panic more.

“Okay, doll, can I touch you?” You nodded. Steve wrapped you in a hug, pulling you into his chest so you could rest your head on his shoulder and nuzzle into his neck like you liked to do. “Can you tell me 5 things you can see?”

“You, the bed, dresser, stuffies, water bottle.” You said as your breathing started to show.

“4 things you can hear.”

“Your voice, your heart, the fridge, and the fan.”

“3 things you can smell.”

“Mm, you. The fabric softener and my shampoo.”

Steve took a slow breath, happy you were calming down. “Good job, honey. Now 2 things you can feel.”

“You and the floor.”

“Great job honey. 1 thing you can taste?”

“You.” You told him, taking another deep breath.

Steve rubbed your back slowly, helping to ground you even more. “I’m proud of you, sweetheart. You did fantastic.”

“Thank you, Stevie.” You mumbled, hiding your face in his neck.

“You wanna tell me what that was all about, doll?” You shook your head, wrapping your arms around his torso. “You’re gonna have to tell me eventually. We both know that you’ll feel so guilty for not telling me that you’ll have another panic attack later. Can we just skip that this time, honey?”

You thought about it for a minute before nodding slowly, not really wanting to have to deal with another panic attack today because Steve was right. You really would feel so guilty about not telling him that you would just have another panic attack. “I don’t know how to say it,” You whispered, knowing his super soldier hearing would pick it up.

“That’s okay, darling. Can you try? It’s okay if you ramble, I’ll always understand you.”

You nodded again, starting to tell him the story of when you met Clint and how you would’ve died that night in the circus if it weren’t for him. You told Steve everything in words you hadn’t been able to before, including how you couldn’t sleep unless he was practically on top of you, saving your anxiety from itself in the middle of the night.

And Steve listened. He rubbed your back, never saying whether or not he was uncomfortable after sitting on the floor for all this time. He listened attentively and gave you reassuring words when you couldn’t figure out the word you wanted. You really were starting to think that he should’ve been a therapist in another life.

“Thank you for telling me, sweetheart.” Steve said, at least an hour later. “I’m really proud of you for being able to voice your feelings for me. Why don’t we get changed and watch some TV before we go to bed. Maybe you’ll be able to sleep now, but we’ll definitely talk to Dr. Raynor in the morning, okay?”

Your shoulders slumped, you really didn’t want to have to go to a therapist about this, now that it was off your chest, you were fine. Steve gave you a look. “No, you’re not fine, don’t try to pull this on me. Yes, it may be off your chest now, but that doesn’t make you all better. Look at all she’s done for Bucky.”

You nodded, “Yeah, she’s helped him a lot. But this isn’t the same, Bucky was brainwashed. I just had an accident before joining the Avengers.”

“Sweetheart, you had a near-death experience. Twice, and the second one was in the same fashion as the first. It’s not that you’re just scared like you were before the first fall, you’re carrying something up here-” he tapped your temple gently, “-that you need to deal with. It’s not a bad thing, but you’ve now suffered two near-death experiences from the same issue. You’re bound to have a little bit of PTSD from that. You can just have a little chat with Dr. Raynor, I don’t have to be there if you don’t want me to be, and she’s gonna help you work through this.”

“Okay.” You said softly. “But I’d really like to sleep first.”

Steve picked you up and put you on the bed. “Of course, doll. You need your rest.”

“Thank you, Stevie. I really don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do, honey. You deserve the world.” He said, pulling one of his shirts out of a drawer and passing it to you to change into. “Now let’s get some good rest and make sure that you take your meds in the morning. They’ll help.”

“Okay, Stevie. Can I have a kiss before we go to bed?”

Steve smiled softly at you sitting quietly on the bed. “You know you never have to ask me that, sweetie.” He said, kissing you softly. You crawled under the covers, holding them open for Steve who quickly jumped in between your arms. “I love you, Y/N”

“I love you too, Steve.” You said, drifting off quickly for the first time in 3 months.

Hey everybody! Look at this! I got a fic out! The beginning of this was rewritten about 3 times before I decided on a situation that wasn’t so gruesome I almost couldn’t sleep due to what my brain came up with, but also was something that people would probably read bc I had an idea for an sa story but figured that would trigger too many people. Either way, I hope you all enjoy this!

Taglist: @chrisevansdaughter, @nana1000night, @sarahrogersevans, @buckybarnesandmarvel

Let me know if you wanna be added or removed!

[imtherain]

The Difference Between There and Here

Heyo

So it’s been a holiday, right? For me it’s Christmas which means going home to the frozen wastelands my parents live in. But it’s pretty. And as one does, I got lonely being home, and I’ve been super in love with Simon “Ghost” Riley, so this happened. It is extremely self indulgent and technically not finished. But I wanted to post it anyway, so I chopped it up, glued it back together, and made this little thing out of it.

Maybe one day I’ll finish it in the way I originally planned, but for now, this is how it is.

Warnings: Christmas talk, travel, forbidden relationship, snow, family, no pancakes, threat of bad tea. Some vague allusions to naughty things. idk it’s pretty tame.

Anywho

~~~

“You got any plans for Christmas, hen?” Soap asked. I was laying on the couch in the rec room, feet over one armrest, face to the army grade ceiling. It wasn’t often we got leave around a holiday, but the stars had aligned, and we’d been cleared to go our separate ways, go home, go anywhere we wanted.

“I’m going to go home, I think. Haven’t been back in what? Three years?” I was staring at the places where the tiles of the ceiling connected. My parents didn’t understand where I was or what I did for a job. They just knew I worked in England for the government. They didn’t even know which government employed me. Even so, I was kind enough to not explain how closely I walked with death so they didn’t worry about me anymore than necessary.

“I bet they’ll be happy to see you,” Soap smiled. “I’m going to see me mam too,” 

“I’ll bring you treats from my mom if you promise to bring me back some from yours,” I grinned back.

“Deal,” He said.

“What’s got you all smilie,” Ghost entered the rec room from behind the couch, so I couldn’t see the tall man until he put his hands on the back of the couch above me.

“Just talking about Christmas,” Soap said. “Say, you got any plans LT?” 

“No,” Was all he said as a reply. I looked up at him and while he glanced down at me briefly, he kept his eyes on Soap.

“Wanna come home with me?” Soap asked, batting his eyes like a teenage girl. I could almost hear Ghost’s eyes roll.

“Negative,” Ghost said.

“Oh come on, my mam would love to have another mouth to feed, I was gonna ask y/n, but she’s heading home to her own family,” Soap said it as if it was such a crime for me to go to my own family.

“I’m sorry to abandon you so heartlessly,” I was grinning though. Soap sighed dramatically.

“Well, I’m going to go pack up my shit, I’m leaving in a few hours,” Soap stood and stretched, his shirt riding up since he hadn’t had it tucked in properly.

“Merry Christmas!” I called after him.

“Don’t worry, I’ll call you,” Soap made a cheesy phone gesture as he waved at us. He was gone just like that.

“You really not doing anything, Ghost?” I asked, laying my head back to look at him. His eyes were tracing my face in that way that made my cheeks get hot.

“Affirmative,” He said, just staring at me. I frowned slightly. 

“There anywhere you’d like to go?” I asked.

“Not really,” He leaned down on the back of the couch and reached out to poke me in the cheek. “I’ll just be here, do some paperwork, read,” 

“You want some company for that?” I teased him. He moved to run the last knuckle of his finger along my cheek. Without realizing it I leaned into the touch.

“No, you’ve got your own plans,” His eyes were trained on the spot his finger held against my cheek. I hummed at him.

“I don’t want you to be alone on Christmas,” I told him.

“Wouldn’t be the first time, likely won’t be the last,” He drew his hand back, but his eyes remained on my face.

“You could come home with me,” I told him. “It’s nothing fancy, just my parents and me. No big crazy parties or giant family gatherings. Just the three of us and some shitty movies and way too much food.” 

“That sounds nice,” Ghost said. “But no,”

“Why not?”

“Don’t want to scare your mother,” He deflected. 

“Oh please,” I rolled my eyes at him. Ghost was smiling behind his fabric mask, just barely. I could tell by the way his eyes softened.

“I’ll be fine here,” Ghost said again.

“I’ll be better if you came with me,” I told him. This made him look away. We hadn’t talked about feelings yet. But there was always something there in the air between us. Nevermind the nights we found ourselves with nothing between us at all.

“You best be careful how you say that,” I could hear the smirk in his voice. “Might give me the wrong idea,” 

“You offering to come keep my bed warm tonight then?” I asked with a smirk of my own.

“Officially, I have to say no,” 

“Hasn’t stopped you before,” I reminded him with a cheeky grin. He hummed slightly. “But really, I’m leaving in the morning, 0800, if you change your mind.” I stood up and stretched like Soap had. His eyes followed the movement, a hungry glint visible above his mask.

I winked at him before heading towards my bunk, hoping he’d follow me, but knowing he likely would not.

I spent most of the night packing my gear and digging out my civilian stuff. I had a separate phone, keys to my car back home, some various other keys, exactly two sets of clothes I could never wear on base, and my stash of cash that I kept for just this sort of situation.

I went to bed, duffle packed up and waiting by the door. I settled into the bunk and sort of wished Simon had followed me to bed, if only just to say goodbye.

I woke up at the same time as always, a habit from living with the 141 for so long now. I finished my morning routine easily enough, but imagine my surprise when I returned to my room to find a tall shadow waiting for me at my door, his duffle bag over his shoulder.

“Good morning,” I said, eyebrow raised. He watched me open my door.

“Plane leaves soon,” Ghost said from the doorway.

“It does,” I agreed. I picked up my own bag and came back out into the hall. “You joining me LT?” 

“Figured you needed someone to keep an eye on you,” He shrugged. I scoffed at him.

“Sure,” But I shut my door and started heading for the hanger, Ghost following me like a shadow.

It was a long journey home. 

Across an ocean to the East Coast of the US. Another flight to the Twin Cities and a puddle jumper that Ghost barely fit in to get to the center of Wisconsin. The state I grew up in. The state I had lived in for most of my life.

I called my mom after we’d picked up my banana yellow pickup truck.

“Hey mom,” I smiled as my call was answered. “Guess who’s in town?”

“Baby!” My mom’s voice came over the radio. “Are you really?”

“Yup, and we’re about 2 hours away.” 

“‘We’re’?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’m bringing someone home for Christmas,” I said. I could feel Ghost staring at me from the passenger seat, but I chose to ignore him, keeping my eyes on the road.

“Ooooh?” My mom was excited and reverted to a twelve year old girl. “Who is it? Is it a boyyy?”

“He is a boy I’m pretty sure,” I teased. “And you’re on the speakers, so be careful what you say,” 

“Is this that guy you were telling me about? The one with the big hands?”

“MOM I SAID YOU WERE ON SPEAKER,” I felt my face flame as Ghost suppressed a laugh.

“Sorry, sorry,” She laughed back. I rolled my eyes because I knew she did it on purpose. “Do we need to get anything for you both? I can send your dad to town,”

“Oh no, we’re good. And we mostly need showers and sleep because we’ve been going since 5am England time,” I told her.

“I still need that cup of tea,” Ghost said.

“And we need a cup of tea,” I repeated even though I knew my mom could hear him.

“You sound lovely,” My mom cooed. “We look forward to meeting you,”

“Likewise,” He replied.

“Well, we’ll be there soon, just wanted to give you a heads up. Oh and don’t worry about getting the room ready or anything, I can do it when we get home.” 

“Ok, well, drive safe! We’re so excited to see you baby!” 

“Love you,” I said.

“Love you too,” She replied before I hung up.

“Sorry, she’s very excitable,” I laughed, hoping he didn’t make a big deal out of her comment.

“Big hands, huh?” Of course not.

“They match your big head,” I stuck my tongue out at him and he chuckled, crossing his arms and settling back into the seat. “Are you seriously going to sleep more? You’re going to be up all night,”

“We sharing a bed?” I was surprised by this question.

“Um, probably, there’s just the one bed in the guest room. It’s a king sized bed if that helps, or I can sleep on the couch,” I told him, unsure if he wanted to sleep together or not.

“If you’re in bed with me, I’ll sleep just fine,” He said and yet again, my ears grew hot. Somehow it was worse now that we were off base. There was less pretense maybe, but either way, his effect on me hadn’t gotten any weaker.

“You’re a romantic, Ghost,” I shot back.

“You going to introduce me to your mom as ‘Ghost’?” He asked.

“I do call you that most often,” I said. “Though they are likely going to ask you a ton of questions anyway, maybe calling you Simon would be easier,” 

“That’ll do,” He agreed, settling again. 

“Simon?” I asked, tasting his name as though it were new to me. He made a hmm sound in acknowledgement. “Thank you for coming with me,” 

He turned his face to me then and his eyes, while tired, were solid and sure as they traced my profile. I glanced at him and gave him a small smile. He nodded once and shifted so that his arm rested on the center console with mine. It made me brave enough to slide my fingers into his. I half expected him to pull away, but instead, he just brushed his thumb along my palm a few times before he drifted off into that light sleep he always seemed to have waiting for him behind his eyelids.

The rest of the drive was uneventful. Just a quiet ride, the hum of my tires, Simon’s soft breathing. If I didn’t have to drive, it would have been easy to just fade into the moment and disappear.

As we got closer to home, the snow got deeper, the speed limit got slower, and the trees got taller. Like driving straight into the past.

Simon finally stirred when we drove through town.

“Good morning, sleepy head,” I squeezed his hand. He looked at me for a moment as if he’d forgotten where we were. “Need anything, love?” I asked carefully. I wondered if he’d had a bad dream, or one of the ones you couldn’t quite remember, but held onto you after you woke.

“No,” He sat up and took his hand from me. I was just happy to have had it for as long as I’d been able to. It was nice that for once, no one was watching us.

“We’re actually almost there, like 15 more minutes, I promise,” I said.

“Good,” He looked out the window, taking in the small town. There was a gas station, a bar, a restaurant. An old motel eight that had been converted into something forest themed. The high school.

“That’s where I went to school,” I told him. “I did prom, the whole thing, wore a purple dress.” I smiled at the memory. “And never in a million years did I think I’d end up doing what we do.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Do you?” I looked at him for a moment while we waited for the light to change.

“I didn’t have much else to do,” He said.

“I worked a lot of shitty jobs,” I said. “Did a lot of stuff that anyone could do. But then I ended up in the right place at the right time, and suddenly I didn’t need to wear dresses anymore,” 

“I don’t think I’ve seen you in a dress,” Simon mused.

“Would you want to?” He shrugged. The light turned and we headed away from town, out into the growing darkness of the woods.

“I bet you’re pretty in a dress,” He said as if he had had to think about it for a moment.

“As if I’m not pretty otherwise,” I snorted.

“Last time I compliment you,” He shot back. 

“I was teasing you,” I told him. “You know, like couples do,” the term felt weird in my mouth, but good. 

“What else do couples do?” 

“Oh you know, hold hands, kiss each other, cuddle? I don’t know, haven’t dated anyone… probably ever now that I think about it.” I told him. “Haven’t you dated someone before?”

“No,” He said.

“Come on really? Never? I bet you were really popular with the ladies when you were in school,” 

“Not particularly,” He said.

“Then how the fuck did you get so adept with your mouth?” I asked before I could think about it. He actually chuckled at that.

“You might be surprised to know, you can have sex with someone without dating them,” He explained. “Besides, you were easy to figure out,” 

“I should be offended,” I shook my head. “Speaking of sex, probably don’t be too crude around my parents, they still think I’m fifteen,”

“Somehow I doubt that,” Simon said. 

“Please just behave,” I said.

“No promises,” I could hear the grin in his voice.

The lights of town were long gone, and the sun had faded beyond the trees. The clock said it was only 5pm, but this far north, that was almost full dark already. I turned down the next road that cut through the forest and then there it was. The house I grew up in.

The front porch was all lit up with big hanging bulbs, which were covered in the most recent snowfall. The pine trees that towered over the house were blanketed in white as well, the yard almost waist deep in snow. I parked my truck in the driveway and just stared for a long moment. I could see the lights on inside the house and the hint of movement.

“You good, Angel?” The callsign made me look at him.

“Just, it’s been a long time,” I told him. He shuffled a bit and pulled off his balaclava. My eyes grew wide. “Why hello handsome,” He ran his fingers through his blond hair, trying to bring back the waves that his mask had crushed.

“Figured there would be less questions,” He said. 

I smiled at him and reached out to touch his face. There were less scars there than most people thought. The rumors usually say he wore the mask to hide deformity. But really, he was quite handsome, fair skin, strong nose, strong jaw. And those lovely eyes I always loved to see. One eyebrow was split with an old scar, and it was clear his nose had been broken more than once. I always told him he was perfect, even though I knew he very rarely believed me.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” I told him. Simon leaned into my hand and kissed my palm. 

“I’ll do it for you,” He said and I swear my heart stopped. I ran my fingers over his hair to adjust a few more of his waves before giving a big sigh. 

“Well, we can’t sit out here all night,” I said as if that decided it. I turned off the truck and hopped out before my anxiety decided it would be better to pull out and drive all the way back to England.

Simon was behind me when I opened the door.

My parents’ dogs both started barking, not knowing who I was right away. I smiled seeing them. One was a big lab, Zeva, and one a small mix of fluffy breeds I couldn’t remember, who sometimes answered to Taya.

“Ok, ok! It’s just me,” I told them, and they both were happy to sniff me and ask for pets. I was able to rub Zeva’s head once before they were shooed by my mom. I felt my throat pinch seeing her. She looked the same as I remembered her, maybe a little older, hair a little grayer. I hugged her without even putting my bag down.

“It’s so good to have you home,” She said into my shoulder. I was taller than her normally, but with my boots on, more so. When she finally let me go she caught sight of Simon, who was still standing in the doorway, back straight.

“Oh, yeah, this is Simon,” I said, stepping farther into the house, dropping my bag. Trying not to make a big deal out of the fact I’d brought a man home, nevermind all the other things I was hiding from her about what I did for a living. About how closely I walked with death.

I swallowed all the things that rose in my throat to choke me. I had faced worse things than my mother.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Simon,” My mother smiled at him. 

“You too, ma’am,” He extended his hand and she took it in both of hers.

“Ma’am? No need to be so formal,” She laughed again, just happy to have us. He nodded and I watched him with a small smile. I hadn’t really thought too much on how this might feel for him. I knew his family hadn’t been good and that he had nothing even close to it anymore. That was part of why I asked him to come with me.

My dad appeared from the living room. In his prime, he’d been six foot two, so Simon wasn’t quite so big compared to him. I hugged him and introductions were made.

“Well, come sit,” My mom said, ushering us into the living room. As soon as we sat down, Taya, the smaller of the two dogs, decided it was time to run around the living room, including across and over Simon since he was in the normal spot she ran to get to the back of the couch. He cursed under his breath as she did it but I just laughed at him.

“Sorry, she’s a ball of energy,” I told him. I was sure my parents couldn’t tell the difference in his face, as it was outwardly stoic. But I could tell he didn’t mind.

“It’s fine,” He said. “Just never seen a dog so small,” 

“Really?” I asked, surprised.

“That one looks more my speed,” He nodded to Zeva who was laying happily on the rug, just vibing. 

“That’s Zeva and she’s a princess,” I told him, quite seriously.

“Takes after you then,” He teased and I elbowed him. Zeva, having heard her name (and title) came over and set her head in my lap, asking for pets. I gave her lots.

“How was the flight?” My mom asked.

“Long, we were in the air for almost 12 hours,” I groaned. “But we’re here now, and I can already hear the bed calling my name,” I yawned as though my body needed to agree.

“No! You just got here,” My mom complained.

“I’m not going to bed just yet, don’t worry.” I told her. “And I’m pretty sure I owe someone a decent cup of tea,” I patted Simon’s thigh and he narrowed his eyes at me, just slightly.

“I can make it,” My mom said, about to stand, but I was quicker.

“No, no, he’s picky,” I said, heading into the kitchen. But a devious thought entered my mind.

“So, Simon, tell us about yourself,” My dad said. I could see the couch where Simon sat from the kitchen, but my parents couldn’t see me. I got the kettle out and filled it, setting it onto the stove top. I dug through the tea chest that had been in the same spot in the kitchen since I was about eight.

I could hear Simon try to answer my parents' questions as vaguely as he could. It was strange to me hearing him talk about himself. Normally, he just ignored questions, but he was trapped by a mix of social obligation and the fact he had literally nowhere to run. It was a whole side of him I hadn’t had the pleasure of knowing until now.

When I thought he’d suffered enough, I hit some buttons on the microwave, knowing that Simon would kill me if I microwaved his tea.

“Bloody hell,” He muttered standing. “Angel, you better not be microwaving my tea,” He warned, coming for me in the kitchen.

“Told you he was picky,” I said loud enough for my parents to laugh. He stopped next to me when he realized I hadn’t actually microwaved anything. “Like I would fuck up your tea,” I whispered. He narrowed his eyes at me.

“You’ll pay for that,” He said softly. I bumped my shoulder into him.

“What kind of tea?” I asked, pointing him to the tea chest. He picked one while the kettle began to whistle. “Anyone else want some?” I called into the living room. My dad said no, no surprise. My mom said sure. So I went to the cupboard and grabbed mugs, Simon put the tea bags in and poured the water in. I grabbed the milk and added it to his. I added honey to mine and my moms and Simon just rolled his eyes at me, because that ‘wasn’t how you made tea’.

Simon relaxed with tea in hand.

Though it might have been the fact that I could field most questions now that I was sitting between him and my parents. Eventually, 9 pm rolled around and my parents headed off to bed. Goodnights, I love yous, we’re happy you’re homes.

“How are you doing, love?” I asked Simon as the house stilled for the night. His eyes were tired, but his face was soft. He put his hand on my thigh.

“Tired,” He said.

“Does that mean you won’t stay up and watch Family Fued with me?” I smiled when Simon rolled his eyes at me.

“You won’t make it ten more minutes,” He said.

“Since I didn’t get to nap all the way here, I suppose you’re right,” I scooted closer to him so that I could swing my legs across his lap. “And we both need a shower,”

“Could always save water and shower together,” His mouth twitched towards a smirk.

“That sounds lovely, but we won’t both fit in the shower here,” I took his hand in mine and traced his knuckles with my finger. “Wanna know a secret?” 

“Go on,” He said.

“I’m looking forward to sleeping with you without having to worry about getting caught,” I brought his hand up to my mouth and kissed his knuckles.

“Hmm,” He smiled at me, a sight I so rarely got to see unobstructed.

“And I won’t lie, I’m enjoying seeing your face,” I admitted, scooting just a little bit closer, hoping he’d let me get close enough.

“Don’t get used to it, Angel,” He almost purred.

“Why do you get to use my callsign and I don’t get to use yours?” I mused, fingers tracing along his jaw. I followed one light scar from near his ear down the side of his neck. He tipped his head for my fingers to trace back along his throat.

“Habit,” He admitted. “You should go get cleaned up,” 

“You saying I smell bad, LT?” I almost whispered it.

“Say my name,” 

“Simon,” I murmured. He smirked at that. 

“Say it again,”

“Simon,” I repeated, smirking back. My fingers moved to grab a handful of his shirt.

“Again,” 

“Simon,” I pulled him close enough that his name was a prayer against his lips.

“Again,” His breath mixed with mine.

“Simon,” And I tugged him that last bit closer to cover his mouth with mine.

~~~

Inspiration Pictures:

My mom’s porch/Yard being pretty

Princess Zeva

And Taya (who was begging me for pizza)

[Masterlist]

[scoops-aboy86]

2, 27, 34 ✨

("be nosy" questions)

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

That post you sent me and stoned Steddie friends to lovers. You sent it in DMs instead of asks, you clever fiend, but I’m gonna post here what I said there…

I like Steve getting high and his caretaker side really coming out. Just a little bit at first, always asking Eddie if he wants anything and then immediately getting whatever he impulsively asks for. And they both like it, so they both keep leaning into it more and more, until Steve reaches the feeding Eddie in his lap stage and calls him perfect and announces in a floaty sort of way that they "should be boyfriends, shouldn't we be boyfriend Eds? Then I could take care of you all the time." And nothing really happens then, because Eddie has his mouth full and is this close to falling asleep, but as soon as they've napped and sobered up Eddie is like, "Hey... did you mean it?" and Steve is like, "Uh, if you want me to mean it, then yes. If you don't... still yes, but I can keep it under wraps until I get over—" He's interrupted by a lap (very) full of Eddie Munson and lots of enthusiastic kisses. ❤️

It works the other way too, maybe Steve gets a little pouty when he's high and wants stuff but doesn't want to get up and get it himself so he whines and asks if Eddie will do it for him. (Also does this for when he needs to pee, and every time Eddie is just sort of like "I'd try if I could, man, but I don't think it works that way" in the most blazed voice possible.) But like, Eddie cannot resist that pouty face, and he always goes way overboard on getting Steve a LOT of whatever he asked for. Eventually they get to "Eddieeeee, feed it to me" and Steve kissing his fingers and Eddie is going to COMBUST but he keeps trying to cover it by getting the next mouthful ready until Steve just straight up demands that he kiss him already, dammit.

Why does Steve seem to take the lead in both scenarios, you might wonder? Idk, typically in my head Eddie is more afraid of scaring Steve off, while Steve is actually a lot more self-accepting than anyone seems to expect and goes from brief bisexual awakening to “Okay so I’ve realized I love you, want to do something about that?” surprisingly fast. Tentative or confident wink add-on is optional.

27. What’s your pet peeve?

This is very much an irl thing—people saying something or asking me a question and then getting annoyed if I don’t respond as immediately as they think I should. Sometimes I just need some extra seconds to process, jeez!

34. What’s your coffee order?

I can’t do coffee, it makes my soul vibrate out of my body and I become an unsafe driver that strikes fear into my unwitting passengers’ hearts. So, sadly, I have not indulged in venti mocha chip frappuccinos since high school. 😔

Give me a chai latte any day though, hot or iced or (on very special occasions) frapped.

[lemonthepotato]

Songs I associate with each Enneagram type (but I’m bad at typing):

One:

I don’t think I can say this

Carnivore - STARSET

Finders Keepers - Riproducer

World So Cold - 12 Stones

Alright, you ones have been getting too many unironic entries. Time for mockery.

World Around Me - Escape The Fate

Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing - Set It Off (Accidentally chose the acoustic version) (me momen)

Rock Bottom - Grandson

Molly - MSI

Oh No! - MARINA (I know I’m shit at typing but how is ‘Don’t need money, don’t need fame’ 3?? PDB is wilding)

Sorry if I put this elsewhere, but Hope Of Morning by Icon For Hire. I originally took this as a 5, 6 or 9 song when analysing it, but I had an epiphany; it’s 1 coded. Let me explain. (“My mind’s a kaleidoscope, it thinks too fast, blurs all the colours til I can’t see past, last mistake, the choice I made, staring in the mirror with only myself to blame.” Black and white thinking, self-hatred. “Sometimes I’m afraid of the thoughts inside, nowhere to hide inside my mind. I’m scared that you’ll compare and I’ll look like a lifetime past repair.” High standards, worries about being a bad person. “Self-disgust and selfishness tend to hold me awfully close, but I don’t want my friends to see that, I don’t want my friends to know.”) (I’m on the fence about this typing) (I feel like I might be trying to type every song I can, which isn’t how this works. While I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin seems 853ish to me, like, I don’t associate it strongly with 8, so it doesn’t belong in this list. Same with a lot of other songs.)

Two:

Where Has Everyone Gone? - James Marriott

It Should’ve Been Me - Riproducer (“But I’m unsure of my intent. Surely my fragile hospitality would shatter under the stress.”)

Painkiller - Three Days Grace (I know it’s a fucking metaphor, before any smartahs try to correct me.)

You know I have so few 2 songs when I have to resort to Helluva Boss fansongs that are maybe semi-official now

UwU Song - Rikutzu (Idk I don’t have any 2sungs)

This song is sx2 core. (UM HELP??? I put the wrong song here, but I have no idea what the one I meant to put here was. THIS IS SUCH A FUNNY MISTAKE THO)

Sticks and Stones - The Pierces (sx2) (“I’m the one you want.” “But you get scared when we’re alone, like I might suck your blood.” “Love me more than anyone.” “Can’t undo my spell on you.”)

Jericho - Celldweller (this is such a so2 song, and let me explain!) (“self-importance amplified.” “you’re looking down, and feeling so profound. you’re so impressed by your false humility.” “an unhappy ending to your sense of deity.” “you’re so oblivious to your own frailty.” “an unhappy ending to the life you’ve glorified”)

Three:

Witness - Mindless Self Indulgence (relate as a disintegrated 6 tbh)

Copycat - Circus P (“I say everything you like to hear… I can’t remember who I am… I’ve become what you like”)

Why Not Me? - Set It Off

Good Enough - atsuover (“Why would I continue being me, when better people are all I see?… put on your mask and get up on your on your way, they love you anyway”) (suppose this could also be 1)

Scary World - Night Club (ooo3 ooo3 ooo3) (edit: not sure if I’d type this as a 3 or 4 song?)

You’re Dead - Norma Tanega (“Plan all your moves in advance.” “There’s too much work to be done.” “Don’t ever talk with your eyes, be sure that you compromise.” “You’ve sold out your dream to the world.”)

Theatre - Icon For Hire (“I’m getting pretty good at feeding them the lines they like, but I don’t recognise the girl that I see each night.”) (6 fix btw) (I’m just using this as an excuse because I keep neglecting the 3’s)

EVERYTHING - LuluYam (“I wanna be everybody’s dream.” “I want to be everything.” “A king, a lord, an emperor, a god. A fake, a fraud, a phony, oh my god. Don’t crack through my facade. Don’t crack through my facade!)

Fake it - Seether (“Who’s to know if your soul will fade at all? The one that you sold to fool the world.”) (“Fake it if you’re out of direction, fake it if you don’t belong here. Fake it if you feel like infection.”)

Pretty For You - Baby Bugs (okay, this could be 2 or 9 too, but it’s kinda sx3 for me, imo)

Ghost rule - DECO27 (Not putting lyrics up, I don’t speak Japanese and am relying on rough translations)

Insecurity - Girls Love Shoes (This song is SOOOO 3 core) (“What are they thinking of me?” “I just want to stand out, I just want to fit in” > w4.)

Four:

Happy Hurts - Icon For Hire (“Can we let the pain and happy mix?… If I had to pick between the way that I am, and the way that everyone else seems to pretend, I wouldn’t question it, not even for a second”)

Identity - Grandson

Skeleton - Set It Off

Get Well II - Icon For Hire

Sugar And Spice - Icon For Hire (“Wouldn’t you rather be broken than boring too?” Seriously, such a 4 song.)

Feel Better - Penelope Scott (“I don’t wanna feel better, no one’s ever gonna love me like that again… I don’t wanna get over it, I wanna get under it instead.”)

Pyrite Girl - Riproducer

Hurt - Get Scared (“How do you think I’m alright? And I like the way you hurt inside.”)

I Can Only Be Me - Mars Argo (“Try to take my identity, and I’ll just create a new one.”)

Only Be A Story - Icon For Hire (core fear)

4w5 moment (no I’ve never played Touhou)

Iodine - Icon For Hire (“I think I’m just in love with the feeling” “Crazy is I believe the medical term, for when we wanna recover, but don’t wanna learn.” “I say I wanna be happy, but I quickly forget. Will I sabotage all the good I’ve got left? Depression’s like a big fur coat, it’s made of dead things, but it keeps me warm.”) (9 fix btw)

4w3!!

Won’t Forget - Dabu

Pretend You Love Me - Baby Bugs (“And sometimes I wonder if I didn’t hurt so bad, would I be more lovable to my mom and my dad? And if I went back in time to see six year old me, I’d say this shit does not get better, this is who you’re meant to be and I’m a monster, so you say, and I do this on purpose anyway. I need to feel this pain.”)

Devastation And Reform - Relient K (Disintegration to 1) (“I feel like I was born, for devastation and reform. Destroy everything I love and the worst part is, I pull my heart out, reconstruct, but in the end it’s nothing but a shell of what I had when I first started.” “But they’re’d be no story, without all this dissension. So I inflict the conflict, with the utmost of attention.”)

L’assasymphonie (from MLOR) (For the same reason as Ghost Rule, I won’t put the lyrics up)

The Abandoned Castle Of My Soul - The Gothic Archie’s. Do I need to explain this? Lol

Pain - Three Days Grace.

Five:

Lateralus - TOOL (“Overthinking, overanalysing, separates the body from the mind.”)

Dream Your Dream - TryHardNinja (Ok look, I know there’s a type probably more suited for this song but I’ve been neglecting the fives.)

The Sun, The Moon, The Stars - Aether Realm (I have no justification for this)

Echo - CrusherP

Anonymous - Three Days Grace

Jail Time - Chloe Adams (“Jail time, living in my head.” 5w4 core.)

Hounds - Puma Blue

The Fool - Aether Realm (no idea what this songs actually meant to say but considering it’s called ‘the fool’ referring to the fools journey and mentions knowledge like 2ce it’s 5core.)

The Grudge - TOOL

Am I Supposed To Apologise? - Maria Mena (“I sought understanding clarity and truth, by baring all the wounds inflicted on my youth.” Literally 5w4. Maybe 4w5. In case it isn’t obvious, I’m pretty bad at typing songs.)

Can’t Get Out - Dabu

5 with a 4 fix. Yeah I didn’t say all these entries would be serious.

Breakdown - Lacuna Coil (“Shutting myself off, getting numb inside.” “I can’t stand the noise outside.” “Even if you think I’m fine, I’m still damaged, I stay out of sight.”)

Mind Is A Prison - Alec Benjamin (I’m at the 100 link limit) (“Sometimes I think too much.” “I’m always stuck in my head.” “Guess my mind is a prison, and I’m never gonna get out.”)

Everybody’s Watching Me - The Neighbourhood (“Uh, oh, where can I go? Everybody’s watching me.” “I go through all the trouble of keeping it within my walls. I try to be as subtle as I can. Assume that nothing needs me, all I’ve done defeats me.”)

Feels Like A Wish - Station K (sx5) (“You made my dreams come true.” “Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, from my mind. How can I escape, from this irresistible place?”)

Six:

Nightmare - Set It Off (“And all I know is that I don’t feel safe… but am I losing my mind?”)

Curse Or Cure - Icon For Hire (“Oh I swear my emotions are the enemy… I’m afraid I can’t trust myself, don’t leave me alone”)

Killer In The Mirro - Set It Off (“Never let your guard down… cause I know if you could switch this, you’d be dishing out the same shit… now I know, there’s no one I can trust.”)

I’m Made Of Wax Larry, What Are You Made Of? - A Day To Remember (“Everybody’s out to get me”; yep that’s my entire justification)

Misguided Ghosts - Paramore (“See I’m tryna find my place, and it might not be here where I feel safe… would someone care to classify our broken hearts and twisted minds so I can find someone to rely on, and run to them?”

Fear And Loathing - MARINA (Congratulations, if you’ve ever put this song in your vent playlist, you’re a 6 or 6 fix. :))

Culling Voices - TOOL (“Disembodied voices deepen my suspicious tendencies. Conversations we’ve never had; imagined interplay… heated altercations we never had, yet I’m guided by them all…. misleading me over and over. Judge, condemn and banish anyone and everyone, without evidence, only the whispers from within.” E6 blueprint.

Hearts A Mess - Gotye (6 blueprint. Actually 5 too.)

Beneath Me - Lucid Planet

JUST FORGET THIS IS A Y’KNOW SONG PLZ

I was gonna type this as 1, initially, but it’s more 6core

Paranoia - A Day To Remember (it’s literally called paranoia like-)

The World Is A Very Scary Place - The Gothic Archie’s (this could also be 5)

Diseased - Baby Bugs (4 fix go brrrr haha)

In Between - James Marriott (“It’s out of the question, it’s over the line, to not be phased, to just be fine.” “How nice it sounds to have your guard down and nothing in between.”) (694 tritype because this is the most 9-ish 6 song ever.)

Pretend - Ursa Major (“My mother said don’t feed the strays, they’ll break your heart and run away.” “What if I second guess again? And listen to the worries in my head?” “You promised me you wouldn’t leave, and boy was I naive, I should’ve never let you in my yard.”)

A sp6 and an unhealthy so2 walk into a bar.

Wired For Worthless - Citizen Soldier (“Pull you in, push you away.” “A brain built by every memory, of times I was not enough to make the ones I love wanna stay.” “Love is a lie, hope is a hole, trust is the trap that took my soul. Family is fake, hatred is home, getting abandoned is all I know.” “A brain built by every memory of times I was vulnerable in vain, which just proved that I’m never worth the pain.)

Dizzy Paranoia Girl - VocaloKAT (so613) (“Expectations high from the start, I’ll just mess it up. Congratulations, you fell apart, f- I messed it up.” “Thoughts racing up and down, oh what to do now? Follow protocol.” “Panic all around, but never make a sound.”) (lol when this song came out I kinda forgot it cuz I couldn’t make the lyrics out, until today when I remembered it existed)

Seven:

Killing Harmony - Mcki Robyn’s P (I first listened to this song with no context. If you try to do the same, you’ll understand.)

Sugar Crash - ElyOtto

Using You - Mars Argo (ok some people are saying this is a 2 mistype and maybe but idk it gives 7 vibes.)

Ruin My Life - Hollywood Undead (I love stereotyping)

We Are One - 12 Stones

Borderline - Toke Styrke

Happy Pills - Weathers (Come on. I’m allowed to stereotype a little.)

7w8 731 moment

Weak And Powerless - A Perfect Circle (I’m not trying to stereotype, I’m just saying this song captures the ego-structure of an E7 trying to escape their shame over addiction through more addiction.) (You might say E8, however, the whole coping mechanism of E8 is denial. I don’t think an E8 would identify with being weak or oppressed, but that’s a generalisation)

Anytime You Smile - JT Music (We Happy Few is 7 coded anyway lol) (“A little rain and clouds will never bring me down.” “I know we’ll get through it.” “Believe me, if I’m dreaming, I wanna keep on sleeping.” “I don’t quite like myself when my head’s not in the clouds.”) (I unironically love this song tho and idk why, cuz it’s the type of song I would hate regularly lol. Maybe it’s the fact it’s… not ironic? Tongue-in-cheek? You’ll understand my point if you know the plot of WHF.)

No One Can Tell Me - Girls Love Shoes (I originally read this as an 8 song, but I see this as a clear 7 song)

Eight:

Loose Cannon - Set It Off (Yeah this is almost entirely stereotypes. Don’t really care though.)

I Didn’t Ask For This - Beth Crowley (I wanted to type this as counter 6 but I knew I’d just be bias cuz I’m a… probable SX6.) (I don’t believe in subtypes anymore) (no I won’t elaborate lol)

Catch Me If You Can - Set It Off

Power & Control - MARINA (except maybe the line about vulnerability but PDB thinks so so it must be right! Man, I love having outside unreliable sources confirm my beliefs! Call me Fox News.)

Discord - Eurobeat Brony (fear being controlled) (8w9 ish due to wanting peace) (an excuse for me to tell you the ORIGINAL song is better.)

White Rabbit - Egypt Central (“I will not be used.” “It’s the reason I chose to cut my losses. Your lies fool no one.” “We’re falling and we’re losing control.” “I won’t be pushed aside, I will be heard. I will get what I want, what I deserve.)

SAHARA - Ivycomb (“Lost in this desert and I’m looking for freedom.” “On my own, I’ll make it.” “I’ll take it by fighting the coldness inside.” “There’s no one to call my friend, but the burden’s feeling lighter without their things.” “But I quickly take my leave and I refuse the aid.” “No one can hurt me if I’m walking all alone. They can’t desert me if I’ve already turned to stone.”)

K All The Enemies - Mario Judah. (“Bring the rage. I will not let you control me, I will not let you betray me.” “Ignite the fire in me, I will not furthermore be controlled.”) (also, 6 fix.)

FACE IT - NOTHING MORE (“Shed this doubt, stand your ground.” “A man is born, and the boy has died, face it.” “You’ll never get to me.” “I’m on my own, silencing the angels in the better part of you.” “I am your gut, I am the truth. I am the power in you.” “Gotta face this on my own.”)

Nine:

Reflection - TOOL

IN MY MOUTH. Really, you should’ve seen this coming.

:) you know exactly why

My Demons - STARSET

Circles - KIRA (“Circles and circles, I look around, I go around, looking for something that cannot be found.”)

This song also describes the 3-5 years I didn’t leave the house and couldn’t even get up. Huh? Oh, that’s a… joke. Haha… (“I don’t want to know what’s waiting for me outside. I’ll make myself disappear. Tell me I should face my fears, but it’s so dark and cloudy in my room. I’m a sunflower who can’t bloom.”)

Still Here - Difitial Daggers (10/10 spelling) (Amazing)

Begin Again - Dabu

People Watching - Air Traffic Controller

Cemetery Blues - LuLuYam (“Why does everybody else seem to know me better than I do?” “Don’t want no damn special attention.” “The way I see it, why do I try at all? Maybe I don’t need to. Maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I’m dramatic and I can’t make up my mind.” “Try to be an optimist and I don’t wanna lose.” “Just another spectre in the graveyard.” “Cause the mask that I’m wearing is a safeguard, and the face underneath is holding back hard.”)

All The Fish Will Be Floating - Rusty Cage (“Apathy is a dangerous tool. Too much of empathy will make you a fool. Apathy blinds your eyes from everything.” “And I ain’t choosing no more, and I ain’t losing no more, and I ain’t winning no more. And I ain’t sinning anymore. Ain’t doing nothing anymore. I ain’t nothing no more.”)

Language Of The Lost - Riproducer (I literally can’t quote the lyrics rn because genius is lagging)

Spanish Sahara - Foals (I have to explain this one. “So I walked into a haze.” >The E9s forget about self. “Forget the horror here.” >escapism, a common E9 coping mechanism “I’m the fury in your head. I’m the ghost in the back of your head.” >again, loss of self, but also repressed anger. “A choir of furies in your head.”)

Don’t worry, I get accused of having shit taste all the time. I know what you’re thinking.

No I’m excluding the Enneagram album because I don’t like it. Uh… kinda blunt. :( I just don’t know how else to say it.

If you want to listen to any of my playlists: 1, 2, 3, 4

Edit: Making a new version

Edit 2: I might just update this one

Edit: didn’t include it, but whoever typed Bullet by HU as sx4 when it’s the most obvious depressed 7?? Also, hey, what would y’all type Darkest Part by Red? It fits a so3 character of mine, but I actually have no clue.

[dani-says-stuff]

Potential Fic Idea:

sO, im currently on vacation in disney world florida, and i had an idea of doing a fic — possibly a fic series — in the style of a tom simons vlog? like an american!reader being their tour guide and stuff? it would at least include tommy, wilbur, and phil… maybe a charlie cameo…? ranboo? tbh idrk yet and wanted to write it down before i’d forget. idk if anyone would be interested though bc it would probably end up being super self indulgent on accident when it comes to where they go and how stuff is described.

it would be tommy x reader with big brother!wilbur

or

wilbur x reader with little brother!tom

idk, kinda want to do it but at the same time it might be a kinda niche thing ig..? like not every one has that experience to really know what’s going on? idk lemme know what y’all think :)

Edit, bc i love likes but they’re kinda unhelpful with my indecisiveness about this lmao:

please answer. i’ve never done a poll before and i’m scared no-one will pic anything

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

i know merman!suguru is like the hot topic for now (as he should because omg . i think we’ve all seen that fanart and thought ‘ah yes. i’d drop myself into the waters like gojo too if i met this beauty’) but like…. what about pirate!suguru……

i have a feeling that he would look SO SO good as a pirate. but then again it’s pretty unfair??? how suguru works with all the different types and styles of aus???….. i actually think that whatever role you’d give him (merman, knight, pirate, idk even a cat etc) would eventually end up working just as nicely. and the way he nails such roles too? absolutely insane. and incredible. istg doesn’t matter in what universe you put him in, it would ALWAYS work up!!! atp i’m convinced he would look good even if he had a normal job as a cashier or a salaryman…………

PIRATE!SUGUUU OHHHHH MY FUCKING GOD ANON YOU GUYS CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS TO ME 😭😭😭

no because you’re so RIGHT, sugu is so versatile that he really fits so well no matter where you put him?? “idk even a cat” PHDNDB YEAH HE’S JUST…. he’s our talented wife!!! he has it all!!!!!

pirate!sugu…… i wish i had more to say anon but now that i think about it i don’t know anything about pirates 😭😭😭 my knowledge comes exclusively from tloz BUT i do know for a fact that he would be the captain and he’d be sexy as fuck. assertive and respectful and clever. a lil mischievous too…… i need him i fear. (what if… pirate!sugu/merman!reader 👀👀….)

okay but salaryman sugu and cashier sugu are BOTH so great …… one of my favorite flavours of sugu happens to be barista sugu <33 our working man !!!! he’s going through the horrors of retail but he’s thriving. getting tips bc he flirts with his customers (but he does it very subtly)… idk i just feel like he would notice you studying there and get a lil worried over how much caffeine you consume 😭😭 just kinda watches you work when he’s bored and sometimes it’s just the two of you in the café and he thinks it’s cozy :33 maybe starts doodling a little on your coffee cups and no one else’s, hoping it’ll cheer you up… 🥺🥺 smth like a little kitty cat saying work hard !! or do your best !! and he gets so giddy when he sees you smile from where he’s standing behind the counter…… T_T and as you start exchanging greetings and making small talk more often he eventually suggests that you buy a nice herbal tea or hot choco instead of the copious amounts of black coffee you drink PHDJDHD (toooootally not self-indulgent btw … wdym ……) just !! sugu being a worried sweetie :(( you’re his favorite customer !!!

i’m also imagining reader getting approached by a creep or maybe walking into the café because they’re being followed by one and they’re just so scared :(( and sugu notices instantly. does the barista thing where he hands them their coffee directly and makes sure to ask them in a whisper if the guy over at the other table is bothering them……. and then he intimidates the fuck out of said creep and demands that he leaves. gives you a sweet drink on the house to ease your nerves and even tells you to stay until his shift ends so he can walk you to the bus stop :((( he’s the ideal man idc!!!!! just so respectful and caring and protective.

so as u can tell i got carried away (added barista!sugu to the wip list 😞😞 save me from this agony) BUT ANON PIRATE!SUGU IS ALSO SO BIGBRAINED don’t hesitate to send in any thoughts u have on the topic …. now i’m gonna go daydream abt barista sugu while making my chai latte <33

[e77y]

Long but relatively unserious vent/rant below the cut (sorry I added this in bc I realized how long this post is oops)

Being at the center of some kind of internet witchhunt (which ik is kind of buzzwordy but) is literally my biggest fear ohhh my god. Even a small scale one… I think I would Die. Maybe it’s because I had a similar thing happen with my friend group in high school where one of them convinced the others I was like evil and spread all these rumors about me… 😭 He was splitting on me but still. That’s an explanation, not an excuse. And it basically confirmed all of my intrusive thoughts about myself, and my personality completely self-destructed and changed, and I haven’t interacted with any of those people the same way since. I isolated from them for MONTHS and just loathed myself. Bleh

The reason it’s on my mind is bc I’ve seen this happen to friends and mutuals and even just people I’ve followed in small fandoms, where the whole fandom hates them bc of this little drama and like. I KNOW that fandom drama is not the end of the world, but truly I think that would destroy me for months. And I would never be able to set foot in those spaces again :’) Getting a handful of rude comments about a fucking transfem hc I had at like 14 made me stop writing fanfic for YEARS 😭😭😭 sigh. Just bc they said it was ‘out of character for him to want to be a girl’ 🙄 (<- character who canonically felt confident when dressed as a woman btw. initially for a disguise but then she grew to love it. BUT I DIGRESS KNSHFJW)

All this to say I think that’s why I tiptoe around everything I say online… I am SO scared of ruffling feathers, but I know that fandoms are places for like! Having fun! And it’s not a big deal! And it doesn’t affect my real life! But like idk.. I just hate the idea of being hated by anyone. I’m sure that I ANNOY some people, and that’s whatever; I talk a lot and make overly personal posts sometimes (like this lol) but I don’t wanna be HATED yk? And idek if it’s better to be hated and ostracized publicly or resented in secret by people who still interact with you… :( Agh. If you ever have an issue with me, please DM me instead of letting it build up into something worse!

ANYWAY LIKE.. with fandom stuff. Idk. I want to have fun! I want to write and post things on Tumblr and AO3 etc but I am just very scared of peoples’ opinions, especially now that I have a decently popular/well-liked longfic in DnDads. For some reason I have convinced myself that writing bad or self-indulgent NSFW will make everyone hate me lmao. Like girl the POINT of fanfic is to be self-indulgent……….. sigh I need to get out more

^ light-hearted… but also kinda true haha. I stay at home a lot just bc I don’t have many reasons to go out atm and only a handful of close friends to go out with. Hopefully that will change when I move next semester lol. And whenever I get interests, they’re VERY strong and long-lasting, and fanfic writing is one of my main hobbies, so I get REALLY into online communities. And rn that is kind of my little niche fandom Tumblr bubble… which is embarrassing and probably unhealthy but whatever. I just inevitably get a lot of anxiety about things that are important/fun to me (bc OCD), especially bc I’ve never really had mutuals/‘friends’ in a fandom before this, excluding my irls

Anyway this got longer and more vent-y than I intended so I will tag accordingly, and sorry to whoever is reading this lol; I just wanted to get my thoughts written down in a public forum bc idk… Makes me feel less insane when ik other people can see it, too. Helps me not take it too seriously and spiral lol.

[mirukosbitchywife]

wHATS UP BESTIE, ITS ME, YA BOI- nah nah I’m kidding, anyways, I’m here for a Drabble/HC request For twice, please.

so, what if Jin’s S/O has a lot of animals, like mayybbee and/or not specifically 5 puppies, a snake, and some mice?

*no, I would never make this a self indulgent ask- how dare you?/j*

Maybe the animals help him calm down? Maybe he doesn’t like specific animals so he’s like “…it’s cute but I think I’m dieing a little on the inside”

idk, which is why I’m asking you bestie!

best of luck with my very non specific and not self indulgent ask :>

twice/jin bubaigawara x reader with lots of pets

OH MY GOD HI BESTIE!! i was so happy to get this request bc i also have a lot of pets! i def did not make this self indulgent for you at all. no way. i aldo did Not get carried away writing this. anyway i hope you like it!!

•definitely enjoys exotic pets, specifically the mice. would absolutely adore them and i can just imagine him in pure bliss while a couple mice crawl over him.

•maybe not as into the snake but would be cool about it. will help u feed and take care of it, might hold it sometimes, but is probably a tad bit scared of it

•ABSOLUTELY LOVES THE PUPPIES. they are his absolute favorite he loves everything about them, always very enthusiastic when taking care of them, even the messier parts of taking care of puppies can't dull his enthusiasm and pure joy. loves to do actual puppy piles with them. absolutely a dog person

•with his s/o he's so helpful with taking care of whatever pets you have, even if he doesn't particularly care for them. will absolutely help you with anything with them. he expresses his love through acts of service and this is no different

•if you have dogs you WILL find him in the dog bed cuddling with the puppies more than once. better have a big one.

•will absolutely pet sit for you if you have to be gone for long. probably breaks into your house to give them treats anyway if we're real. your pets love him lmao

•gets as attached to your pets as you do. takes them getting sick or injured worse than you, will do the hard work of giving pets medicine for you if needed

•finds taking care of animals really relaxing and fulfilling. he usually feeds them before you're able to, he LOVES grooming the pets if they need it, likes taking them for walks or playing with them, like literally loves all of it

•absolutely buys your pets clothes. even exotic animals. he will make them himself if he has to. i'm going to make a wild reach and say that since he uses a tape measurer for his clones he also knows how to sew. is it unrealistic? maybe. do i care? absolutely not.

•has tried to make homemade treats for your pets before. your walls still have scorch marks. you don't know how he did it and you don't ask

•overall he really really enjoys your pets especially if you have dogs!!

[mothwithteeth]

purified by fire

idk if this counts as a grand re-entry or if it's more of a fluke, but i actually wrote something that i actually like and i want to post it before i stop liking it

pairing: todoroki shouto x gn!reader (afab terminology)

warnings: fingering, explicit consent (like extremely explicit consent), flashbacks, hurt/comfort, ptsd?, i think that's everything it's extremely vanilla and soft and self indulgent

word count ~2k (look at me go)

Shouto understands how intimidating letting other people in can be. He may not be the most socially fluent person, but he doesn’t take your trust for granted. So when you tell him that you want to maybe try having sex, he takes it very seriously. 

Everything is planned out. Romantic dinner, a scenic walk in the park, it’s all perfect, but you’re still anxious. The butterflies in your stomach swarm and rise to your throat, swallowed back with practiced ease. But Shouto takes your hand in his, interlacing your fingers, and you feel a little better as he guides you to your bedroom. 

Shouto is so gentle as he undresses you. Soft touches and sweet kisses with every article of clothing tossed to the floor. You really couldn’t ask for a more attentive partner, which is exactly what you need. “Are you sure about this?” he asks again. “I really don’t care about sex that much.” 

You can’t help but let out a relieved little chuckle. You’re way too in your head about this. “I’d like to try,” you reassure him. “It’s confusing trying to sort out how I feel…” you admit. “I want this. I want you. I’m scared you’re going to hurt me. I know you aren’t going to hurt me.” It’s awkward to explain in your underwear, but the way he’s checking in with you makes you feel more and more sure. You can see how seriously he takes your trust, and it’s… kind of a turn on? 

He nods before kissing you again. “I love you.” He reminds you again. And you know it’s true. You can feel it in how very very careful he’s being; every touch feather light as if he’ll break you. That’s the last thing he wants. It’s taken so much for you to build yourself back up. But if you want to try having sex, then that’s the least he can do for you. Oh the sacrifice

Somehow you’re still surprised by how much you enjoy kissing Shouto, even after all this time. You have to give him credit. He’s a good kisser; gentle, but like he can’t get enough of you. There’s a desperation that makes you feel wanted; something very raw that pulls you in. He’s normally so composed, but when you’re kissing him, it’s like he can barely contain himself. 

Your stomach flips when his hand touches your waist. Or are those butterflies? Is there a difference? It doesn’t feel unpleasant, so you continue, urging him to touch you more and more. “What can I do for you?” the plain question surprises you a bit. Your face flushes hot. You should probably take the lead a little bit. Or at least be a little more vocal in your wants. “Just say the word,” he continues. He must know what he’s doing to you; must feel the way your heart thrills in response. You might explode from anticipation. 

“Touch me.” It’s all you can really manage. You’re completely hopeless, but luckily Shouto has an idea what you mean. 

“Touch you here?” His fingers trace so lightly over the gusset of your panties you’re not even sure you really felt it. 

“Yes, yes please,” you nod your agreement before he can get his full question out. So sweet. 

Slowly, confidently, Shouto drags your underwear down your legs before tossing them aside. He can feel the way your legs are trembling, but you haven’t given the slightest hint you don’t want this. “How do you feel?” he asks, giving you another breathless kiss. 

“A little lightheaded, to be honest,” you can’t help but let out a nervous little laugh. “I like it, though!” you reassure him when you think you catch a flash of a second thought on his face. “I, um, I want you to keep going.” 

Satisfied with your answers, Shouto can resume kissing you. Settled between your legs,he has the opportunity to explore your body. His hands are teasing over your skin, raising hot and cold goosebumps in their wake. You can’t help but gasp and startle when his hand makes its way, finally, to your soaking pussy. The slick sound would be embarrassing if you could think straight. You’re not sure if you’ve ever been this wet before. Shouto can barely suppress a groan of pleasure from finally getting to touch you like this. To make you feel good every way he knows how. 

His middle finger slides into you slowly, giving you plenty of time to adjust to the unfamiliar feeling. “How does that feel?” Shouto asks, pressing the heel of his hand more firmly against your clit. 

“Good,” you gasp, “So good,” you nod. So good you’re not sure how to deal with it. You’re hyperaware of every sensation, but not in a bad way. This time, you feel amazing. 

“Can you handle another?” 

“Yes,” even you’re a little surprised with how wanton you sound. You weren’t expecting this to be so good. 

The second finger takes you a bit longer to accommodate, but it’s no less pleasurable. His thrusts are even and steady, in contrast to the desperation of his mouth against you. Against your neck, your jaw, your chest, and of course, your own mouth. It’s like he wants to be everywhere at once, but has to be content with the two hands and one mouth he’s been blessed with. Seems like a shame. 

When Shuto takes your nipple into his mouth, you moan his name. Music to his ears. “You like that?” 

“Yeah. Like it a lot,” you agree. He doesn’t hesitate before taking the other into his mouth, never ceasing the steady work of his fingers inside you; preparing you for what’s to come. 

“Do you want more?” 

“Yes,” you’re so eager for him to finally fuck you, but you know you have to be patient. There’s no need to rush this. 

Shouto’s third finger feels snug inside you, but not unpleasantly and definitely not painfully. It’s a wonder what a difference actually being attracted to your partner makes. He keeps the heel of his hand to your clit, pressure just enough to keep you begging for more. He doesn’t mean to be such a tease, but it’s making everything feel all the better. 

“Sho, I need you, please,” you finally give in. If he doesn’t fuck you right now, you’re afraid you might die. 

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, fuck, yes, please,” you practically whine. 

As he slides into you, the focus of his gaze is unwavering, and a little intimidating. He watches you pant and tremble, slowly letting you accommodate the stretch of his cock. It’s been a long time since you’ve done anything like this. Your brow furrows at the unfamiliar feeling. Without really thinking, Shouto kisses the crease between them. The sweet gesture takes you off guard; not that it’s unusual, but you didn’t anticipate it right this second. Your bewildered expression in the seconds following has him chuckling before dipping down for another kiss against your lips. 

“Does that feel good?” he asks, low in your ear. It’s an important question - he’s asked a hundred of them - but everything aligns just so and suddenly you’re underneath someone different. Your stomach drops and your body visibly recoils. A very different voice echoes in your ear; a different set of hands on your hips - even though Shouto has one hand on the mattress and the other intertwined with yours. A small, pained sound escapes you, making him freeze in place. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” he asks. Your eyes focus into his, dragging you back from that other time; that other place. 

“N-no, I’m okay.” You shake your head, trying to put the flashback away. 

“What happened?” he asks so earnestly, so concerned for your comfort and safety. You can’t meet his eye when you answer. 

“Flashback,” you murmur. He nods because if anyone understands, it’s him. He moves to pull out of you, but you close your thighs around him. “Wait, please,” you try not to panic. You haven’t done anything wrong. He stops, carefully studying your features. It’s impossible to meet his eye, but you have to tell him what you want for him to continue. “Make him go away.” He contemplates things for a moment before nodding slightly; mouth set into a sober line. You can’t help but kiss him, nuzzling your face into his neck as you thank him. 

Shouto takes his time thrusting back into you; slow and sweet. It’s been so long, and your body struggles to remember how to handle it, but it does soon enough. Long, passionate kisses help to distract you, leaving your past far away in your mind. 

Your hips twitch as you relax, already looking forward to your pleasure. “Move, please,” your meek request shudders through Shouto and he complies, withdrawing from you slowly before thrusting back inside. Another whimper escapes you; not from pain or fear, but need. Your nails dig into his shoulders, leaving red welts in their wake. 

“T-tell me what you want.” The pleasure has him weak, but this is about you. 

“You,” it’s the only word that can penetrate the fog in your head. And oh fuck he can’t handle the feeling that comes with that. He buries his face in your neck and groans against your pulse point.  You’re just perfect. His hips grind into yours, driving deeper in his need to be closer to you. The friction against your clit has you seeing stars.

Time seems to stop, just the two of you in your dimly lit bedroom. The way Shouto is looking at you makes you feel naked in a way that’s more than unclothed. Like you’re being seen by another person. Really seen. The intensity scares you a little, but more than that, it makes that flame in your lower belly burn hot, spreading outwards in your gut. With just a thrust of his hips, he has your head tipping back in pleasure anyway, eyes closing to concentrate more closely on the pleasure igniting your brain. 

Slow, deep thrusts, punctuated by grinding deep leave you breathless, cumming before you can even recognize what’s happening. Your legs clamp around Shouto’s hips, arms wrapped tight around his neck. The only thing that can escape you is a soft whimper of pleasure. Somewhere in the shuffle, he cums too, less in a moment of romantic timing, but more in a sudden loss of composure. 

Before you can even catch your breath, Shouto is asking “How was that?” 

“I’ll tell you when I can feel my legs,” you laugh. He isn’t intending to be funny, but he’s just so sweet it makes you feel warm in your chest. Safe. That’s the feeling. Safety. You feel safe. The wave of emotion that hits you instantly brings tears to your eyes. You have no idea why you’re crying. You just are. Your heart is too full.  Shouto’s eyes widen in surprise, but he doesn’t freak out. Much. Yet. Before he can even ask, you try to explain yourself. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I really did have a good time,” you hiccup as your crying gets more intense. How did this happen? “I just, I feel so safe. You make me feel safe and that’s so weird and confusing.” You’re sure you’re not making sense. This is not the kind of pillow talk you were going for, but you’ll calm down in a moment. You both know it’ll pass. He doesn’t know how to respond outside of pulling you close to his chest. You are safe. He makes you feel safe. Oh. That makes his own heart feel a little too full. With cheeks flushed pink, he tucks your head under his chin. Safe.