#or they are DK. like fuckin. donkey kong

[raiiny-bay]

it recently occurred to me that if red & teeth had a ship name it would probably be ted

[monsters-conquer-the-world]

Mario Kart 8 - Booster Course Pack Wave 6 Speculation/Obsessing

I've always loved the Mario Kart games, but for my money Mario Kart 8 Deluxe is the new gold standard for the entire kart-racing genre. It just FEELS SO GOOD to drive these goofy little contraptions around and blow up your friends in psychedelic cartoon worlds.

Booster Course Pack Wave 5 just dropped this week and I'm loving this shit. Squeaky Clean Sprint?! KAMEK?!

This unholy union?!

Of course as awesome as this stuff is, I can't help but think about that one last wave of goodies we're getting at the end of the year. At the very least we know we're getting two new drivers and 8 new-old courses (with 1 or 2 possibly being brand new), but at this point Nintendo hasn't announced any specifics.

It's fun to guess and speculate though! Since we're only guaranteed 2 new drivers (and there's a smaller pool to pull from), I started there.

Prior to the Booster Course Packs adding Birdo, Kamek, Wiggler, and Petey Piranha (all drivers who have appeared in previous MKs), Nintendo added guest characters from non-Mario series like Link, Splatoon Girl, and Isabelle. While it's POSSIBLE they could hit us with someone brand new and/or from a different series, I'm thinking it's more likely they'll pull these last 2 drivers from the existing Kartiverse.

With that in mind, here are the standout possibilities from previous Karts:

DIDDY KONG in Double-Dash!!, Wii, Tour Iconic sidekick/costar of Donkey Kong Country series, and three-time karter (not to mention headlining his OWN kart games). On one hand it's fuckin' crazy to me that he's not already in here, but on the other hand if I can only pick one more Kong, I'd rather have Funky or Dixie 😬sorry didds

HAMMER BRO in Tour I like Hammer Bros, I've always thought of them as Bowser's elite goon squad--hammers hurt and their helmets are dope. On the flipside we already have Koopa-Troopa, Lakitu, Dry Bones, and Kamek, plus 9 Bowser-flavored Koopas. We might already be over koopacity.

MONTY MOLE in Tour This is some goofy left-field shit that I am absolutely into. Not my first choice, but funny, cute and strange enough to be worth it. He a mole driving a car

PEACHETTE in Tour So even though this looks exactly like Peach in a slightly goofier outfit, it's actually Toadette in a powered-up form from New Super Mario Bros. U Deluxe.. Identity theft is a crime, Toadette.

PAULINE in Tour Mario's original damsel in distress, Pauline debuted way back on the original Donkey Kong arcade cabinet, but also had a major role in Super Mario Odyssey on the Switch (plus a bunch of handheld DK games in-between). Glamorous singing mayor-lady, cool! Why the fuck not! We better get a New Donk City track if she's added tho

KITSUNE LUIGI in Tour Look I know I gave Peachette a lot of shit for being an obscure power-up (this one hailing from Super Mario 3D Land and World), but at least we can tell this is still Luigi! Plus it'd complement Tanooki Mario and Cat Peach REAL nice. Let me have this. Luigi needs a win. It's not a furry thing (not that there's anything wrong with that!).

POOCHY in Tour This fuckin' guy. I still have acid flashbacks to his levels in Yoshi's Island. Still tho, big ol' dog-thing driving car is hilarious, I'd sign off on his goofy ass

FUNKY KONG in Wii, Tour Finally, another prospect with more than Tour on his Karting resume. Funky Kong fuckin' rules. DKC's resident gearhead, party animal, and big lovable himbo dumbass, this dude gotta come back. Non-negotiable. HE WEARS JORTS... WITH A BELT

DIXIE KONG in Tour The other coolest Kong. Probably technically cooler than Funky. It'd be crazy if both new characters were Kongs, but if they were Funky and Dixie I would shit my pants with joy. Dixie's badass.

NABBIT in Tour This would make sense, but I would also be like "sure why not." Shitty little thieving rabbit-man is fine. Is anyone clamoring for this? No judgement, just curiosity. I got kind of sick of the New Super Mario Bros. series, but I don't speak for the whole fuckin' world.

KING BOB-OMB in Tour HAHAHA YES!!! BIG DUMB ORB MUSTACHE CROWN MAN. I also lost my shit when he showed up in the Mario movie. If B-list bosses like Petey Piranha and King Boo get to drive, let this big fancy idiot. He probably accidentally explodes like a dingaling when he doesn't win.

MEOWSER in Tour Like Kitsune Luigi, this would be a nice complement to Tanooki Mario and Cat Peach, but we already have Bowser Classic, Jr., Dry, and his 7 delightful little punkass shithead kids. Meowser does benefit from reminding me of Kintaro, from my OTHER favorite game series with the initials "MK":

CHARGIN' CHUCK in Tour A different listicle already mentioned his fucking awesome-ass burger'n'fries mobile being the best part of him. I'm trying not to accidentally rip off that listicle COMPLETELY, but I might have. Sorry. I think it was on Hard Times/Hard Drive? CC's beefiness and sporty theming could save him from being another face in the Koopa Krowd, but he's not my first draft pick.

CAPTAIN TOAD in Tour I'm all over the place on this one. El Capitano has his own spin-off games--that's pretty legit! But he's just Toad with some different clothes on... but so is Metal Mario and Cat Peach! Do we need a third Toad? If he's a higher weight class because of his gear, then maybe!

HONEY QUEEN in MK7 Aww, remember Super Mario Galaxy?! I like when lady-characters get to be something besides "skinny human princess." If fricking Petey Piranha can race again, so can this big ol' bee!

PARATROOPA in MKDD!! Ah, our millionth Koopa! Jokes aside, since Paratroopa has ONLY been in Double Dash!! (the one where every driver needed an obvious partner), I bet he's a major longshot. Kamek, Wiggler, and Petey Piranha were all in Tour, so I'm inclined to think Nintendo will be pulling from the Tour roster. But who the hell knows! Here are some other (unlikely) prospects.

R.O.B. in MKDS Between this and his playable debut in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, R.O.B., the (in)famous robot peripheral for the NES/Famicom, was having a little moment in the 2000s. A wave of 1980s nostalgia or a 20th anniversary celebration, maybe? I'm not expecting him to come back again after almost ANOTHER 20 years (Jesus Christ), but I love his kart that makes it look like he has little legs.

PAC-MAN AND OTHER WEIRDOS FROM THE ARCADE COLLABORATION WITH NAMCO in Mario Kart Arcade GP, Arcade GP2, and Arcade GP DX Again, non-Tour to me says longshot, but fuck it would be weird and cool to play as Ms. Pac-Man. Blinky the ghost, one of the Tamagotchis and a happy little arcade drum also made the cut!

Mametchi aka The Cooler Nabbit.

OK he's actually a BIG, SASSY cartoon drum. Still cute. Crazy that the Prince from the Katamari games wasn't playable in these, IMO he'd be perfect and have a deliciously funky, knobby kartamari.

Click here to vote for your fave!

[femmefutile]

While we're on the topic of Mario. I absolutely adore Donkey Kong. Like he is a blend of three cultures (American, Japanese, and British) in the goofiest way.

Initially, Nintendo wanted to make a Popeye game, but they couldn't get the rights. So, in his infinite wisdom, Shigeru Miyamoto went, "yeah just put big fuckin monkey in it." Then proceeded to basically take King Kong, replaced "King" with "Donkey" and ship the game. Cut to 11 years later, British developer RareWare is working on Donkey Kong Country and with their divine genius decreed, "he should also wear a tie, dance, and own a boombox." This reaches a climax with the 1999 RareWare game, Donkey Kong 64. Which opens with one of gaming's seminal music milestones, the DK Rap. And just wow. It's crazy to me how it just works.

King Kong is a fundamentally racist film. It is built from racist ideas about interracial relationships. But I don't think that the devs at Nintendo picked up on that at all. Without the cultural context surrounding the films production, release, and place in American society, they were able to view the film freely and fully appreciate the awesome spectacle of a big ape. So, when they needed a replacement villain for their game, it made all the sense in the world that they would ape (pun intended) King Kong.

Then when Rare gets their hands on the character, they likely aren't thinking about King Kong at all. They were like, "how do we make donkey kong cool for 90s kids" so they gave him a tie, a boombox, and a crazy wacky family. Then when they're developing DK 64 they're like "wow we can use voice clips now. donkey kong is hip with the kids we should make a rap about him." So, you end up with a character who is, on the surface level, a carbon copy of a character from a deeply racist film, dancing to a rap about his family, a genre built by Black artists, and yet it does not feel racist?

Obviously, I'm white so feel free to correct me on this, but I just find that very amusing. Like I think it speaks to the lack of hatred inherent in our hearts when people who aren't exposed to the racist dog whistles that define the racism, they just see the special effects and story. And I love that after so much cultural diffusion, not only can we have the DK rap and have it not be racist, but also it resulted in this big, goofy guy.

[is-actually-an-emo-hobbit]

I saw the new Mario movie today and funny things happened (but minor spoilers so... no watchy no ready. scoot.)

first, my friend and I got kicked out of a comic store because we were reading

and then the three of us were the only ones in the theater so we could yell shit it was so great I'm not kidding

we all loved toad

"EW HETEROSEXUALITY!" at the peach/Mario meet cute

there was a minor discussion of Luigi being the gay younger brother with anxiety

"Luigi why are you running from the skeleton koopas, you're supposed to love bones!" (I got punched for that)

and then bowser has internalized homophobia

the peaches song

the Luigi as a captive scene was so gay

that weird little flame dude

Donkey Kong is a fucking himbo with daddy issues

Peach = bi bamf

there's something going on between bowser and his wizard friend I'm not kidding (they literally did a role-play scene)

I had to give the characters dnd classes so

Peach is a monk, Toad is a ranger, Bowser is a barbarian, DK is a fighter, Luigi is a paladin, and Mario gives me mild bard vibes (idk it might just be the fact that chris pratt voiced him)

the entire scene with DK and Mario in the ocean was queer coded as fuck

we were squealing about all the video game references the entire time

and then at the scene where Mario and Luigi do the joint power up when they started glowing and shit I was like "ah, the gay straight alliance" and both my friends lost their shit

the amount of gay jokes we all made

and then the end credit scene

and don't forget all the 80's music I fuckin loved

[jovalencia]

bro wtf did I just look at- sdfsdf I think my brain has completely blocked out the word "Kong" after that where did all of them even come from i-

nzjndjdhdjd bro idk but I love it so much. We were watching football last night (fuckin americans🙄) and there was this guy whose first name was DK and I was like “donkey Kong!” cause we were making fun of all the player’s names (in this house we are all assholes) and we tried to name as many as the kongs as possible but then we looked up the family tree then we all lost our minds. I just realized I don’t think you asked but fuck it I’m an oversharer. yeah idk where their names came from but I don’t even care they’re incredible either way

[earthnashes]

If I didn't know any better, I'd say Mario has become a bit of a matchmaker in his own way and wants for their happiness. This is such cool stuff. Seeing that you mentioned Nintendo, it's a matter of time before we start seeing some headcanons regarding other Nintendo IPs. lol

Bro for real like I may not see him being interested in that stuff himself, but when it comes to his squad? Best wingman ya got right there. Mario’s a good boi ;-;

As for other Nintendo stuff, to be honest I don’t really have much experience or intimate knowledge of anything other than Mario because it was what I played the most (well... that and Donkey Kong. LOVE the DK games ;-; ). I’ve only ever played one LoZ and that was Twilight Princess. I do wanna hop into the series though! Samus is fuckin’ great but I’ve admittingly never played anything of her series. o3o

OH ACTUALLY Pokemon! Pokemon’s Nintendo, and I LOVE Pokemon. Don’t be surprised if I start doing headcanons and stuff for that too.

[liittlemac-a]

Aye, Mac. What do you know about Donkey Kong?

Ask my muse about someone they knowSource

“He’s a big, giant, fuckin’ ape lad, an’ he can throw a punch like a motherfucker! An’ he fuckin’ dragged my ass t’ Smash. Pulled me outta retirement. Imagine retirin’ at 17, fam, crazy.

DK’s fuckin’ cool, bruv. An’ also my second-in-command for operation ‘make a new Punch-Out!! game, Nintendo, or we fuckin’ riot’. I love that guy. Ain’t he Mario’s friend too, or whatever? The plumber boy? …Eh, I ain’t know that much. I jus’ know he’s good.”

[eggoreviews]

Most Likely Smash Bros. Ultimate Characters

Considering that last time, I basically just listed impossible characters, I thought I’d step out of my massive hype shoes and look at what’s genuinely a bit  more realistic. We already know from Sakurai that there won’t be many more characters, if any, but a leak from a fairly reliable source has said that we may get around a half a dozen more newcomers before release. So this is my listed final prediction of most likely base and DLC characters and echo fighters, with some background info and hopefully less bias. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: This list is wrong. It’s wrong in advance. But you never know, might be right.

BASE GAME:

1. Simon Belmont (Castlevania)

Admittedly, I’m jumping on the Vergeben train for this one, but he’s been right about everything before, right?

For those who don’t know, this Vergeben dude predicted that the Ice Climbers and Snake would be returning, as well as the whole of the SSB4 roster. He also said that Ridley from Metroid and Simon Belmont would be joining the roster as newcomers. So far, he has predicted everything correctly, except Belmont, who assumedly hasn’t been announced yet (okay, he also mentioned something about Minecraft, but we’ll ignore that for now). There’s also the fact that Konami and Nintendo must be pretty friendly right now, considering Snake’s return. Castlevania, while a little outdated now, is still a relatively well-known title and could act as this Smash game’s retro newcomer.

So yeah, could be totally wrong on this, but honestly we’ve got no fuckin idea what Sakurai will do, so speculation is all we’ve got.

2. Rayman

I’m probably showcasing a little bit of that bias that I said wouldn’t be in this list, but surprise, breaking my own rules again. Ignoring the fact that he was my number 1 pick for my most wanted newcomers, but I’ve got a genuine bit of evidence for this pick. First off, Rayman, along with side characters from the series Globox and Barbara, all had a trophy presence in SSB4 for Wii U, despite the fact that there’s been no other Rayman content in the series to date. This suggests to me that Rayman has at least been considered in the past and, considering the nature of his games, he basically has a premade moveset. Just add a final smash and some specials and this character almost makes itself. However, a lot of people have been citing Mario x Rabbids as a reason that one of the Rabbids will be put in instead of Rayman. But I think that, considering the roster for this game was apparently finalised in late 2016 according to a recent interview with Sakurai, back when Mario x Rabbids was only rumoured, it seems likely that a Ubisoft rep is most likely to be Rayman, especially with the characters long history and popularity. Not saying the Rabbids are impossible, but at most, I reckon they’ll be an assist trophy. Also, Rayman got remastered for Switch. So I guess that’s another thing.

3. King K. Rool (Donkey Kong series)

Honestly, I reckon this is the most likely on this list. Donkey Kong is one of the most iconic franchises in Smash Bros, but to date it only has two reps, the second being added in Brawl. The fact that it’s been a while since a new rep, there aren’t many reps at all and that this character is very, very heavily requested all screams to be that King K. Rool is an almost certain pick for a new character. This would also tick the ‘villain’ and ‘heavyweight’ boxes that Smash seems to have less of at the minute, as well as giving one of Smash’s biggest first party franchises another big rep. There are other characters from DK that could’ve been here, but we’ll get there later.

4. Dark Samus (Samus echo fighter, Metroid series)

Under usual circumstances, I’d say it’s fairly unlikely for a franchise to get two reps in one new game, but there’s a fair amount of evidence to suggest that Dark Samus is going to become her own echo fighter this time around. As a general thing, I think that considering the fact that echo fighters are a brand new feature for this game, it seems unlikely that we’ll literally only get the three we’ve been shown. So cue Dark Samus, with her iconic costume shown as removed from Samus’ selection screen as well as a currently missing assist trophy, the way seems to have been cleared for Dark Samus to be announced. It’s kind of funny to me that if this happens, we will have four Metroid reps and three of them will be Samus.

5. Shadow (Sonic echo fighter, Sonic series)

Okay, so my reasoning for this pick is pretty much the same as the last; Shadow’s assist trophy was also missing from the E3 reveal and gameplay and seems to have been replaced with Knuckles. Seems a little odd to do this, as it’s not as if Knuckles was a highly requested assist really, so that suggests to me they’ve got plans for Shadow as his own character. There have been arguments that Shadow could be his own character with his own moveset potential, which I guess is true, but then again he’s a hedgehog who goes fast like Sonic does. Plus, it makes sense for them to advertise and use the new echo feature as much as possible to hype up the game. So here’s Shadow. Ta dah.

6. Geno (Super Mario RPG)

Here’s my sixth and final pick for base game additions. If I’m fully honest, I know fuckin nothing about the Mario RPG series because I never played it. All I know is that literally everyone is requesting this wooden boi. What makes this more likely for me as a base addition is also the fact that we know Sakurai has wanted him in the past so now seems like a pretty apt time for that to happen. Also, you know, he had a Mii Gunner costume in SSB4 so that’s a thing. Not gonna pretend I know anything about Geno, but at this point he’s among the most likely.

DLC:

1. Crash Bandicoot

Right here is probably one of the most requested Smash characters of all time, but I’m gonna put it out there and call it that we probably, definitely won’t see Crash appear in the base game. Reason being that, as I said, the roster was finalised back in 2016 and back then, as far as I’m aware, Activision and Nintendo didn’t quite have the same close(ish) relationship they have now. The Crash N Sane Trilogy wasn’t confirmed for Switch or any other platform than the PS4 until earlier this year, so if we’re seeing this guy, he’ll be DLC. And somehow I think we will.

2. Spring Man (ARMS)

ARMS is a pretty popular first party game that came to the switch last year. Spring Man and his massive arms would be very easy to translate to a Smash game. Plus, using arms as weapons would make for a pretty unique character. I reckon that the only reason Spring Man won’t be in the base game is purely because this game didn’t release until 2017, so I’d expect to see this guy or maybe Ribbon Girl pop up as DLC somewhere along the line. Whichever one doesn’t end up playable will likely be an assist trophy or something.

3. Funky Kong & Dixie Kong (Echo fighter double pack, Donkey Kong series)

A lot of people are arguing whether or not one of these characters will appear, but I personally think they both will. I don’t think they’ll be in the base game purely because there’s already a couple of echo fighters, as well as another DK rep in my likely base game list, but it makes a lot of sense to me that they’ll be available to buy together as like a DK bundle, with Funky echoing Donkey Kong and Dixie echoing Diddy Kong. This seems even more likely considering the new Funky Kong mode in the DK country Switch remaster and also that Dixie has been a pretty highly requested character for a while as it is. I get that a lot of people are saying that Dixie should have her own moveset because she has hair or whatever, but I don’t think it matters too much, she basically has the same appearance as Diddy. I guess Cranky Kong is another possibility for a DK rep, but I don’t see it considering the other potential reps. 

4. Banjo & Kazooie

Right now, Banjo Kazooie is under Microsoft, but a recent tweet from the VP of Xbox Phil Spencer saying that he’d love to see Banjo & Kazooie in Smash kind of says to me that this could very well happen. But like, obviously, if the guy has only just said that Banjo & Kazooie would be cool in Smash. So yeah, if anything, DLC.

5. *Gen 8 Pokemon*

Okay, so I know nothing about Pokemon. Like at all. I’ve never even played a game. All I know is that a lot of people talk about Decidueye being included, but that kinda seems unlikely to me because that one is Gen 7 and a lot of the hype is around these new Pokemon games. So it makes a lot of sense to me that they’ll include a brand new starter Pokemon as a later DLC addition, considering that I think Gen 8 is coming in 2019? It’s something like that.

So there you have it. Here’s my wrong ass list. If I get any of these right, I will be very proud of myself. Guess we’ll find out in December.

Go live ur best life.

[radramblog]

Retro Games WTB

So for reference, this and the last two posts were written on the same night. We went from serious discussion about sensitive and graphic material in media, to silliness about shooty mans, to this. The thing is, I’m going away on a weekend camping trip (Melbourne got delayed again but at least getting to go on this is a silver lining?), and when this post goes up (assuming I figure out how to schedule it right) is the one day where I’m just never at home. The Saturday of a weekend trip. I don’t know if the place is going to have cell signal, and I’m not letting that of all things get in the way of me posting more bullshit.

It’s been a long night.

I was originally going to do, like, a tierlist thing, but staring at the list of these was just depressing. Motherfuckers put Homestuck in the Video Games section multiple times, and I had to stare at the fact that someone went out of their way to make a FNAF shipping tier list. And lots of people played it. Fuck, man.

I don’t know if me talking about a bunch of games I want to buy is actually more interesting, but I’ll be damned if I can’t do that easily and for a lot of words. Plus, it’ll force me to actually come up with a complete list.

(editors note this is ridiculously absurdly long and it has no images it’s just 2.5K words of jack shit and me tiredly trying to make jokes about old games you probably haven’t heard of you’ve been waaaarned)

N64

The prospect of collecting all the N64 games I want is somewhat daunting, especially considering my region-based issues. But I’ve made some solid progress since that one time I talked about my collection (and I cannot be fucked dragging that post up at the moment). I’ve acquired Banjo-Kazooie and a Kirby 64 cart that I sure didn’t know was coming in fucking box.

Anyway. I’d like to pick up Smash 64 at some point, if only for the novelty of it. I’ve played it, like, once? And that was a very long time ago, the first time I ever played an N64 (possibly the only time I even touched a controller before I bought my own), and I wasn’t as mediocre to functional at Smash as I am now. 64 is kind of a whole different animal, though- no competitively viable maps by modern standards and the engine is fucky- every character combos so well that they run 5-stock matches instead of 3.

(From this point on, I’m literally looking at a Wikipedia list of games and picking ones to comment on, so it’s alphabetical)

Banjo-Tooie would be nice, I suppose, but I’ve barely played the first one- let’s maybe do that before I start thinking sequels. I didn’t realise until I actually picked up the game that Kazooie is like, a massive asshole? Extremely rude? Apparently that’s their character trait and I just didn’t know. Banjo seems like such a cool bloke, why does he hang out with them?

Even though I’d never be able to play it, the Australian version of Beetle Adventure Racing actually replaces the titular cars with Holdens, which is fucking hilarious and I need to see it.

I’ve heard a lot about Conker’s Bad Fur Day, that it’s basically Banjo/DK but M rated. I…don’t imagine it’s aged particularly well. Man, remember when he showed up for Project Spark, though? Yeah, me neither.

Donkey Kong 64 is another classic, and I’m sure it’s really good. I have managed to pick up an Expansion Pak, so there’s half the cost of it gone, too. I’ve never actually finished any of the Country games, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t play like one, so. I also never watched the HBomberguy charity marathon, so I am pure and unspoiled as to the grisly details of this jungle bash.

On the one hand, Goldeneye is arguably one of the most iconic FPS games of all time. On the other, it’s not aged particularly well, and I don’t have a cadre of people to hang around being nostalgic for it, because we’re all either younger than this game or barely out-age it. I hope someone reading this feels old now. (sorry)

Even as a Pokemon fanatic, I’m not buying Hey You, Pikachu. That game barely worked with people in the USA, imagine that shitty microphone trying to decipher my accent on fucking N64 hardware. Also it’s pretty lame even if you can get it to work, so.

Majora’s Mask is currently my White Whale, because I want nothing more than to play that game. I’ve heard so much, it sounds and looks so fucking incredible, and as I said I have the Expansion Pak now so I can actually run it. One day, man, one day. Once again I should probably finish Ocarina of Time first, but like, I know I’m going to play this one, so.

I guess Mario Kart 64 would be worth picking up, apparently it’s one of the better ones. I reckon if people showed up to play fucking Beetle Adventure Racing before knowing the game was actually really good, they’ll show up for Mario Kart. I’d rather buy 64 than 8, frankly.

I could barely get any interest in my bootleg-ass copy of Mario Party 3, I’m not going to spend stupid money on the other ones.

Oh, apparently Mega Man Legends came out on the 64 as well? I thought that was just on the Playstation. I mean, people really seem to like that sub-series, but then people also liked Star Force, so I don’t know if I can trust the Mega Man fandom on anything. (MMBN legacy collection when, Capcom)

Yo so there was a Neon Genesis Evangelion game for the N64, and apparently it’s a fighting game? Japan-only, of course, but my console can run those anyway. And like, that sounds funny and cool, I’ll punch Sachiel to death, why the fuck not? Who needs a progressive knife. Congratulations joke.

God Paper Mario is so fucking expensive god damnit

Perfect Dark rounds out the trio of “hey I have the expansion pak now”, but I know substantially less about it. So, maybe?

The Pokemon games I’m missing (and care about) are Snap, Puzzle League, and Stadium 2. I’ll consider Snap if I can find a cheap copy, as I know it’s pretty limited (and the new one just came out), Puzzle League is probably meh, and Stadium 2 sounds fun but I’d need to then buy a GSC cart to get the most out of it and they aren’t cheap. Unless I get a Japanese one, but apparently, they’re only compatible with Japanese Stadium 2 (er, Stadium GS), so I’d have to double down on illegibility.

Oh fuck, right, Star Fox. Man I thought I was going to get away with just talking about Star Wars here (I’ve already got the good ones), but I forgot about fuckin Star Fox 64, aka The Good One. Shit I gotta get that don’t I? Fuck me. At least searching for one will be slightly easier because the PAL version has a different name.

Oh, and Yoshi’s Story looks like a trip and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. Like, this just looks worse than Yoshi’s Island if I’m being honest.

 GBA

I haven’t actually talked about by GBA collection on here have I? TL;DR- it’s a console I’m very nostalgic for, but my collection is lacking because all the carts in Malaysia were bootlegs.

Jesus there’s so many more GBA games than N64 ones. Like, in general, not just on this list.

Advance Wars is a solid maybe, because the carts are super fucking expensive, I’ve never played the series, and the remaster is coming soon. But apparently they’re good? Big shrug energy.

Wow, they made two whole Banjo games for the GBA. Both of these look like shit, though, so fuck it. No wonder I never hear anyone talk about them.

Boktai is an interesting series I’d like to maybe give a shot. It’s a JRPG made by fucking Hideo Kojima, where the cartridge had a light sensor in it to encourage you to play outside by buffing the main character. Which was an interesting choice on the notably not backlit GBA. It also has crossover stuff with something we’ll get into later.

I’ve played Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow to death, and as a result I’d love to pick up a copy of it’s GBA prequel, Aria of Sorrow- it’s apparently almost just as good. I’ve not heard much about the other two GBA Castlevanias, but they’re apparently similarly excellent- a stark comparison to the mediocre to bad N64 ones.

If someone buys me a cartridge of Crazy Frog Racer I will play it and that is a fucking promise.

There are like three whole Fire Emblem games on the GBA, though only two came out in English. I actually have a bootleg of one of them. It’s another one of those ones that are unreasonably expensive because it didn’t sell well and they didn’t make that many as a result, though. So probably not worth getting a real one unless I fall super head over heels for the series- I don’t see that happening soon.

Oh right, Golden Sun. Another JRPG franchise for the GBA. There were a lot of those, huh? Anyway there’s like no way this guy is getting into Smash, don’t get your hopes up.

Harvest Moon is basically Stardew Valley, but older. Two games of it came out on the GBA, and I’m probably not about to commit to buying one of those rather than Stardew. And that game has yet to successfully appeal to me, soooooooo

I have a bootleg of Kirby and the Amazing Mirror, and that’s one of the ones where it probably doesn’t matter at all that it’s a bootleg, so I’m satisfied with it. Don’t have Nightmare in Dream Land, which I’ve played before on emulator and wouldn’t mind retrying, so maybe. I’ve never been massive on remakes if the original is viable, but I don’t have an NES so I’m sure not buying Kirby’s Adventure.

There are two Zelda games on GBA- a port of A Link to the Past which I have, and Minish Cap which I don’t. Minish Cap is very expensive!!! Aah!!!

Yo they ported The Lost Vikings to GBA? Wack. I guess Blizzard gets a shoe in this console’s door, then.

Yeah okay so there are like a million Mario games here, huh. Superstar Saga was the first Mario and Luigi game, and the one of those I’ve played (Partners in Time) was good enough that I’d bite for the original. Or I’d just go buy Bowser’s Inside Story. Mario Kart and Golf on the GBA don’t appeal super hard, and I’ve played Mario Pinball Land (long before that Alpharad Deluxe series), to the point where I don’t feel the need to actually buy it.

Speaking of Alpharad, I played Mario Party Advance on one of my Malaysian Bootlegs long, long before he made that video reminding people it existed. That game actually kind of fucks, for what it’s worth, and since my copy can’t save, I’d consider buying a real one. Assuming that Alpha’s video didn’t lead to a mass buyout or price spike.

Okay, so Mega Man Battle Network is kind of the big one on this list- definitely the White Whale so far, since to my understanding the series had extremely limited release in Australia. I do have a Japanese copy of 4 (Blue Moon) that I picked up because it was like 5 bucks, but A. 4 is godawful relative to the others and B. it’s a JRPG and I can’t read Japanese. But I would Do Things to get copies of 2, 3, or 6. Not so much 1 (because it’s not great), or 5 because I’ve nearly 100%’d the DS version on my flashcart.

Seriously, I’ve considered writing multiple blog posts on this series, I think it’s a super underrated gem. It’s an eSport on GBA for fucks sake! It’s also the series that crossed over with Boktai from earlier- apparently Kojima’s kid was a huge fan, so he got in touch to get some cross-promo content going. Funny how that works.

It’s not like they’re ever going to release Mother 3 anyway. Y’all aren’t even going to let me pay for this game, so you can’t complain if I buy a Chinese bootleg with the fan translation on it. I paid five whole bucks, and if they released it in English for real, I’d easily drop more on it. It’s a 10/10 game.

Oh alright, there’s Pokemon. I’m actually 4/7 on the GBA Pokemon games, which is pretty good considering the price just keeps going up and up. I’ve actually considered making a Living Dex solely in Gen 3- however that would either require all the ones I don’t have (save Pinball) a Gamecube with Colosseum/XD (which I have thought about), or maybe both. A long-term project, for sure, but one I’d enjoy doing.

Apparently the Sonic GBA games are pretty good, save for the infamous remake of the first Sonic game- Sonic Genesis. That is, however, the only one of them I’ve actually played. And for a long time was the only Sonic game I’d ever played. Great first impression, huh? The Marble Zone OST unironically slaps, though.

Yeah okay so there’s like over a hundred games still on this list and I care about, like, none of them. Except maybe some of the Wario games and Yu-Gi-Oh games- and I know some of the latter are complete and utter garbage. Like, I’ve played The Sacred Cards, and that game is genuine shite. I’ve still only played one Yu-Gi-Oh game I’ve liked.

I guess I can close off this wall of text by saying I want to get a GBA flashcart so I can run romhacks on console, but there’s a bunch of different types and it doesn’t seem like anyone can agree on which one is the best, so I guess I’m in limbo a bit on that one. Still, it’s worth a look at some point- I’ve gotten so much mileage out of my DS one after all.

And that’s a full-ass list. Perhaps a little daunting, but something like this is a long-term project, and there’s plenty of time to adjust, or make trades rather than buy, et cetera. I don’t ever expect to like, complete a collection, but I’m happy getting things bit by bit.

Anyway it’s like 2AM now I need to be up in 5 hours oops if I’m late then sorry james lmao except you won’t possibly be able to read this until Saturday and it’ll be too late then ha HA

[league-of-light]

2019 What’s the Weekly Challenge Rankings Week 1 Weekly Challenge What Is It IDP Flex Weekly Challenge? Rankings

What’s up YouTubers it’s the Will + Dyl show back at it again with another set of power rankings. And by Will + Dyl back at it again I mean Dylan back at it again while I incoherently ramble nonsensical garbage next to him. We’re off to a great start. Per usual, Dylan will provide his EXPERT level statistical analysis of players and teams, and I’ll pick some stupid meme to run with. This week we’re going with Super Smash Bros because Banjo Kazooie just dropped and it’s the only light in my life outside of Ace and Dairy Delight. Anyway, take it away Dylan.

__________________________________________________

Howdy folks! It’s been a while. I’ve wanted to get back into writing Power Rankings, but it seemed like a bad idea. I haven’t followed football late in the 2017-2018 season, and honestly, I have no idea what’s going on. But Will has convinced me that it doesn’t matter, and that I can do these anyway. So without further ado, here are my power rankings, based on what I understand about the league from almost two years ago. 

11. Cleveland Browns

The Browns have been the worst organization in football for about 15 years. Last I checked, this team was losing every single game, finishing the season 0-16. And now it seems that Josh Gordon DeShone Kizer aren’t even there anymore? This team has no shot. I don’t know who this Daniel Jones fellow is, but hopefully he can help; otherwise, this team is primed for a lot of losses. 

Super Smash Bros character: Pichu. If you’ve played Smash Bros, you know that Pichu has nearly the same moveset (if not the same exact moves, sue me Evan I don’t use Pichu) as Pikachu. The only difference is, anytime Pichu attacks, it also hurts itself. Just like me, every time I look at this stupid gimmick team I decided to go with instead of actually trying to win free money.

10. Honedge Heroes

Antonio Brown AND Le’Veon Bell? I’m not a fan of taking the two Steelers, who will steal touches from each other. Brandin Cooks is great, and I like Derrick Henry, but I’ve never even heard of half of this team. This team should suspend any hope they had of being a contender. 

Smash Bro: R.O.B. Rob is a robot, so is Dylan.  I am reminded about a thing I read today on Reddit about a robot. It was written by Douglas Adams. Please hold while I find the quote:

A robot was programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches. This was actually the most difficult part of the whole experiment. Once the robot had been programmed to believe that it liked herring sandwiches, a herring sandwich was placed in front of it. Where upon the robot thought to itself, Ah! A herring sandwich! I like herring sandwiches. It would then bend over and scoop up the herring sandwich in its herring sandwich scoop, and then straighten up again. Unfortunately for the robot, it was fashioned in such a way that the action of straightening up caused the herring sandwich to slip straight back off its herring sandwich scoop and fall on to the floor in front of the robot. Whereupon the robot thought to itself, Ah! A herring sandwich...etc., and repeated the same action over and over again. The only thing that prevented the herring sandwich from getting bored with the whole damn business and crawling off in search of other ways of passing the time was that the herring sandwich, being just a bit of dead fish between a couple of slices of bread, was marginally less alert to what was going on than was the robot.

^ This is Dylan, and the herring sandwich is the New York Mets.

9. Cursed Will

It’s tough to rank the team with the best player in football (Aaron Rodgers) this low. But Jordy Nelson is getting up there in years, so I’m not sure how good Rodgers receivers will be. 

Super Mash Potato: King K. Rool.  Dylan had a pretty fire one for this, so I’ll let him take it away:

IT’S NICE THAT AFTER YEARS OF FREELOADING IN SMASH GAMES AS A TROPHY AND A STICKER, KING K. ROOL FINALLY DECIDED TO CONTRIBUTE AND BE PART OF THE SMASH ROSTER. THIS DOESN’T HELP ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO SPENT YEARS WITH THE EARLIER SMASH GAMES, BUT I’M SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT NOW THAT HE’S OLD AND IRRELEVANT, HE FINALLY DECIDED TO BE USEFUL.

For those who don’t know, Evan now pays rent. For those who also don’t know, Evan and King K. Rool are both thousands of years old, have leathery skin, and eat Taco Bell every other day. Also, check out this screenshot of K Rool from when Banjo was announced, it’s literally the most Evan photo on the internet.

8. Float Like a… Whine Like AB

I’m not sure why they have Alex Smith’s backup at QB. Davante Adams and Michael Thomas are great, but Mark Ingram seems to be their only competent RB. Maybe they’ll get Alex Smith and find a way to contend. Otherwise, I’m not really sure what this team is doing. 

Smush - Donkey Kong. For those of you who don't know, Donkey Kong got his name because Nintendo wanted to convey that the ape was stubborn, so they picked the most stubborn animal they could think of. Or at least that’s how the story goes. That alone would be fitting enough for Jason, but really he gets DK because of DK’s affinity to charge up a punch and wiff on it, only to CHARGE UP AGAIN LATER.

7. tbt to K88 being platonic

I’m glad to see Larry Fitzgerald is still around, and they have Andrew Luck’s long-time favorite target Eugene Hilton. Ben Roethlisberger could have a huge year with the talent on that Pittsburgh offense, and Alvin Kamara is great. Still, I’d expect Devonta Freeman to split carries again, and the Bills’ defense can’t be very good. 

Super Dunk - Young Link.  Young Link has been out of the Smash Brothers games for over a decade which is almost as long as Harnsowl has been out of America.  Also, YL can drink a seemingly endless amount of Lon Lon Milk, just like Harnsowl with alcohol. 

6. Spicy Meatballs

From what I’ve been told, James White should be the best RB in football by now. I’ll take Phil’s word for this. And Drew Brees is awesome. But I’m not sure about the rest of the team. JuJu Smith-Schuster will have trouble getting touches over the Killer B’s, and all I know about Anthony Miller is that he was a mediocre NBA player in the 90’s who had a brief cameo in Space Jam. Tough to see this team doing well if they can’t improve on that depth. 

Super Meesh Pepe - Samus. Another soulless human robot thingamabob whose only purpose is to watch the New York Mets. Dark Samus for when the Mets lose. So I guess always Dark Samus?

5. No Content

I don’t know if Kyler Murray is actually good, but I’m expecting a big year out of Eric Decker. And the Colts QB has always loved throwing to TE’s, so Eric Ebron should have a huge year. A definite sleeper who might take the league by storm.

Supper Dinner Brother - Lil Mac.  Dylan beat me to it again:

I respect the effort that they put into making Little Mac a better character. They improved his aerial gameplay and his recovery, and made a bunch of other improvements. It must have taken them, like, 12 weeks of work! But, despite all that effort, he’s still in a low tier and can’t compete with the stronger characters.

Honestly, the biggest difference here is that Lil Mac definitely never skips leg day (see photo)

But apparently Kyle has been for the past 84 days.

4. Shit Outta Luck

For some reason, their team page says that they dropped Andrew Luck, but I’m going to assume that there’s some kind of issue in the database that will be resolved shortly. I’m assuming some team that already had a franchise QB took Saquon Barkley at a completely reasonable pick in the draft, and he’s doing great there. And Mike Evans is a star. Once Andrew Luck is re-added to the roster, this team can be a real contender.

Smash Bros Character - N/A. Dylan, Who’s fuckin team is this?

3. I’m Still Here Bitches

A shockingly strong showing for Team Arielle. David Johnson, from what I recall, is the best RB in football. Julio Jones is awesome. Dak Prescott is pretty good, although honestly, I still think Tony Romo is better. Damien Williams might not get a ton of carries in KC, but I still think this team could go a long way.

Daisy. Daisy doesn’t belong in Smash (yeah, I said it Andy), and Arielle doesn’t belong in the league

2. Team Mar

The squad from the 845 is looking very strong. Two superstar WR’s in Alshon Jeffrey and Keenan Allen, a perennial MVP candidate in Matt Ryan, and two top 5 caliber RB’s in Leonard Fournette and Christian McCaffrey? I have no idea how this roster is even possible.

Mashed Potato: Joker.  I honestly know nothing about you, just like I know nothing about this anime (?) character who is in Super Smash Brothers. His name is Joker but he’s clearly not from Gotham and your instagram handle is Marisa845 and you’re clearly not from the 845 otherwise Bowers would’ve remembered seeing you at South. He knows everyone who went to South.

1. Venice Beach Hulkamaniacks 

Now here’s a team of people I recognize. A.J. Green? Trey Burton? Melvin Gordon? Shady McCoy? DION LEWIS? I honestly don’t see how things could possibly go wrong with that kind of talent. This team shouldn’t lose a single game. And there you have it. Hopefully by next week, I will have learned a little bit about the modern NFL and can take a better stab at these, but hopefully this helps get you excited for another great season of the NATIONAL! FOOTBALL! LEAGUE! Back to you Boom.

Smash Boo: King Dedede. The people’s champ. The Penguin with the Hammer.  Just like Kirby, King Dedede can suck in opponents.  Just like Bowers, if those opponents taste like carbs, he will not swallow them. King Dedede has an unrelenting hammer akin to Bowers’ unrelenting trade offers for LeShady McCoy, and had this other game where he got swol af just like Bowers is gonna be at the end of his journey. At least his 12 week journey has seen results. 

Also, I’m genuinely unsure if Bowers wrote this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jibCSdZ8xG0 

73. Andy Brown

A late addition that we had to shoehorn in here even though they don’t belong in the Power Rankings.

[racingtoaredlight]

Dante’s Draft Day

Satan:  Pick’s in, right?

Demon:  Yea, Goodell’s gonna announce it any second now.

Satan:  All right then, gimme the number.

***

Cerberus:  Raiders?

Agent:  Yea, I think so.  You ready for this?

Cerberus:  Man, I told you I’m not playing for the fuckin’ Raiders.  Pops is a Chiefs fan, he’ll kill me.

Agent:  Listen Cerberus...this is the opportunity of a lifetime.  You’re going to make millions of dollars, you need to put this shit behind you.  Trust me, your dad will understand when you buy him a new Mercedes.

Cerberus:  This is fucking bullshit, man.

Agent:  You’ve got ten fucking seconds to grow the fuck up, C.  They’re about to announce.

***

Wingo:  Well from everything we’re hearing, Vegas is going to take the defensive lineman out of Clemson.

Kiper:  Guys, we all saw Cerberus all over the field in the Sugar Bowl.  His talent is not in question.  He’s 320 pounds but runs a 4.7 with a 1.9 10-yard split, racked up 22 sacks last year and at times looked like the second coming of Khalil Mack.  But when you really get into the tape, you’ll see him taking a lot of plays off.

Wingo: Mel, let me ask you this.  If Las Vegas ran a defense like the Fifth Circle, would you be a bigger fan of this pick?

Kiper:  It’s about need, Trey.  Even if they ran a Fifth Circle defense, they’d still need a boat to have Cerebus on.  Are you going to really dedicate a safety or linebacker to help him on every snap?

Irvin:  I watched every snap this guy played the last two years.  He’s soft, man.  This dog is soft.  You put him in space?  Game over.

Wingo:  Hate to interrupt Mike, but the Commissioner is about to announce the pick.  Lets see if it’s Cerebus.

***

Goodell:  With the 17th pick in the 2021 Draft, the Las Vegas Raiders select...Donkey Kong, Linebacker, Purdue.

Jets Fans:  [booing intensifies]

***

Wingo, Kiper, Irvin [in unison]: WHOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Wingo: Wow, what a surprise!  Everyone...including us...thought Satan was going to take the Sugar Bowl star pass rusher.  And here we are, another Draft, another projected top 5 pick sliding to the end of the first round.

Kiper:  Trey, there isn’t a bad snap on Donkey Kong’s tape.  I watched every play he was on the field for his entire four years at Purdue, and let me tell you, this kid was all over the field.  Threw up 78 reps on the bench press, and while there were concerns about his height, Kong had the longest arms of any linebacker prospect in the draft this year.  But what coaches loved about Kong was his attitude.  This kid plays with a mean streak.

Irvin:  I just got a text from Satan, Boom.

Wingo:  Mike, Chris Berman isn’t here.

Irvin:  Troy, I just got a text from Satan, and he said Donkey Kong is leaving his texts on read.  Now that’s a football player!

Wingo:  It’s “Trey.”

Irvin:  I played with a quarterback named Troy.

Wingo: ...

Irvin: He never left me on read.

Wingo:  Are you saying he’s not a football player?

Irvin: Well not anymore.  He retired.

Wingo:  Great insight Mark.

Irvin:  It’s “Mike.”  Man, how long have we been working together?

***

Cerberus:  What the fuck, man?  This was supposed to be a Dante’s Inferno parody.  The fuck is Donkey Kong gonna do out there?

Agent:  C...relax man.  You’re going to a contender now.

Cerberus:  Man fuck a contender, I wanna get paid.  I spent my whole life feasting on the gluttonous for nothing, what the fuck? Do your fucking job, KEVIN.

Agent:  I told you not to say you’re vegetarian at the Combine, Cerb.  I don’t care how good it makes you feel or how lean you are goddamnit...how am I supposed to sell a fucking vegetarian dog that’s supposed to eat flesh?

Cerberus:  You figure that shit out.  I knew I should’ve gone with Rosenhaus.

***

Satan:  DK!  My man!  You ready to feast on the gluttonous?!

Donkey Kong:  Well I did spend four years in the Big Ten!

fín

[racingtoaredlight]

So there was this transparent image of Donkey Kong...

***

I still remember the day I first found Transparent Donkey Kong.  One never forgets when they first encounter their muse.

It was a total meet-cute.  Here I am, just strolling down RTARL Avenue, when someone probably said something about barrels and I searched “donkey kong barrel.”  Our chance encounter wasn’t even a result of my search, rather a related image at the bottom of a pixelated classic Donkey Kong gif.

But the second my eyes fell upon that wonderful glower, I knew I met my meme soulmate.  And...what was this?...there’s no way that this image with the gray checkboard would actually be transparent in the most low-rent of all meme generators, imgflip.com.

And so it was that Donkey Kong was transparent.  A gift from the gods indeed.

***

Our odyssey started off without incident...until yesterday afternoon.

Suddenly, one of my many tabs...the tab I had open with the related search...reloaded.  “No matter,” I naively thought, realization dawning on me that very instant.  It wasn’t there.  It wasn’t fucking there.  It wasn’t fucking there, goddamnit!!!

Panic began to set in.  Legit panic accompanied by beads of sweat streaming down my face.  I scrolled through google search after search after search.  How could this happen?  This wasn’t fucking fair.  I kept the tab open!!!

***

Here’s the thing about being lost at sea...it’s the madness that gets you.

Below is my Chrome history.

Listen, doing those screenshots?  It really hit home how fucking nuts I’m coming off right now, I get it.  But the heart wants what the heart wants.

***

Transparent Donkey Kong was truly lost at sea.  I gave up angrily, pissed off I could not find this goddamned Donkey Kong image.  There were a bunch of ones that were tooooootttallly fine, but no...I had to waste a shitload of my time on this one.

Because it’s the best one, damnit.  Don’t you understand!?

I went home.  I found things to occupy my time.  I played “Whipping Post.”  And listen, I know what you’re thinking...you need the music to play whipping post you pussy?...and yea, I needed a refresher, ok? We played this part in rehearsal Sunday and I sounded shitty at this same section every time and it turns out I missed something.

***

Anyways, I took a nap.

When I woke up, I retraced some of the things I learned about the Donkey Kong universe this afternoon.  Like...did you know just how many Donkey Kong games there have been?  Here I am...fuckin’ around looking for DONKEY KONG like some corn-fed jabroni when...was it Donkey Kong Country DK?  Or was it Donkey Kong Jungle Beat?  Or Diddy Kong Racing?

Or was it from some non-Donkey Kong universe like Mario Kart or Super Smash Brothers?  All I knew it wasn’t that 80′s pixelated asshole who, from now on we’ll call Japanese Porn Donkey Kong.

I always knew the original was from deviantart.com though.  The spark returned.  I was like “hey man, you know your phone has like a different algorithm or something and you might get different results.”

...well I didn’t.

***

At first.

I somehow stumbled upon this one deviantart user’s gallery of uploaded files.  It was almost all Donkey Kong...and some of them were a little too sexualized for my gentle constitution...but I kept on scrolling, hope further renewed.

And kept scrolling.  And scrolling.  Determined, I embodied Sisyphus DK, the most resilient of all transparent Donkey Kongs.

You know how you’ll be scrolling through shit and you start to notice patterns?  I started to pick up on this guy’s...it was like regular DK, old grizzled DK, weirdly sexualized lady DK stuff, Diddy Kong, Funky Kong...and then back to regular DK’s again.  I knew if I kept on scrolling, I’d find it.

Luckily, I got some serious Rosie the Riveter vibes from Funky Kong...

...and kept on scrolling.

And then?  Then I found it.

I fucking found it.  Just like Rosie the Riveter said I would.

And I saved the link.

fín