#otherwise their last names would be different which would cause issues

[thoughtsonkm]

Goodbye, for now

BABY? HONEY? BOYFRIEND SHOT? Jikook you're too much!

This episode was truly the best way to end the show, maybe even the best episode of the series. (Neck in neck with episode 2 of course) The way they enjoyed it so much but were also so sad it was over. The hot tension all around, the soft boyfriends mood who can't stop flirting and name calling each other with the most low-key couple-like sweet names. They could not stop laughing, they could not stop touching and they couldn't stop being hilarious without even trying.

~

SK Spotify daily chart end of November 2023 :

Jimin Jungkook Jimin Jungkook Jimin Jimin

~

It would be such a full circle moment if Jimin posted the boyfriend photo (which won't happen). Would almost be like a soft launch of some sort.

Not the underwear too?? Gosh I love my little gay freaks!! (didn't understand why Jimin would quote their 'yet another inner joke meme' right at that moment but I've learned to not question their inner workings)

~

Sorry but i have to be pretty one last time and say that I kinda had enough of seeing so much from the crew around or even in Jikook's shots and angles. It breaks the fourth wall a little too much and ruins the whole bubble idea. Ok I'm done lol

~

Returning to the issue at hand, the "seeing the beds for the first time" scene keeps getting funnier and funnier. As if they don't already have designated sides of the bed 😏

~

Ah the never ending bickering gives me life. Peep the half korean half english talk when they playfully get on each others nerves 👀😂

I better not speak on the scuzzi jacuzzi shenanigans cause otherwise.. Let's just say the photo speaks for itself..

NO YOU KNOW WHAT IMMA SPEAK. We all know that jacuzzi time is always intimate, relaxing and personal for people that's why I wish Jikook had enjoyed it fully without cameras. Yes I'm pissed on their behalf, that they had to film the whole thing with 382929 different angles. lol

His face is literally saying "oh so you're really gonna make me do it huh? if I was in your place I would've folded immediately and would've never let you go through with it!!" 😂

~

No one ever:

Jikook every 2sec : HONEY OH HONEY

(I was actually listening to the song while writing this and idk why it's so funny to me even tho it's a sad love ballad)

~

They must've loved getting the chance to at least see one episode of the show, plus the idea of watching it together..

Jungkook being so entertained by it meanwhile Jimin being mortified about half of the things that happened. HILARIOUS

HAHAHHAHAHA all parties were concerned if they'd be able to pull it off, I can't

BEST BELIEVE they're always gonna find a way to touch. Consciously or unconsciously.

~

This show made me realize that my favourite thing ever is Jk making food for Jimin, then making him hysterically laugh and therefore getting to hear Jimin's adorable giggles.

~

"Hello it is I the one and only, the only one who can touch Jimin's head ble ble ble ble" - JK

Jk was like: How can you imagine Jimin without me in your dream? Are you crazy? What is this delusional dream world you live in Jin hyung??

~

Tbh it's so meaningful and a huge thing saying that these trips were literally the best trips of your life. I think the statement almost went over people's heads.

I can't get enough of Jimin looking pretty and cuddly and Jungkook's immediate thought being: I HAVE TO FILM YOU

Them saying they can do a reboot when they come back gave me some hope that maybe just maybe this is not the end of AYS 😭

The ending bonus clip left me fulfilled but also sad and with goosebumps all over.

Thank you Jimin & Jungkook for letting us peek into this trip and getting to witness some of your precious moments.

Signing off, J&J 🥹

Ps. So I'm guessing the 52 minute video that comes with the photobook is probably the 3 bts videos combined that they've been reviewing for 48392 months right?

[pentacle-artist]

I have finished playing Mystery Journey and have a lot of thoughts, and here's one of them (Spoilers for the final case):

How long has Ernest been going by Ernest?

The fact that he's a university student means he couldn't have changed his name recently, he would've had to have been going by Ernest Greeves since high school (or whatever they have in London) at the very least. Then I realized Ernest had the perfect opportunity to change his name.

When he was 12 and being entered into the system after his mom's death. Considering how much stuff was left at Richmond Court, it wouldn't be surprising if some proper identifying documents slipped through the cracks when they left. As such, Ernest would've been asked for his name.

And he could easily say Ernest Greeves instead of Miles Richmond.

This would also explain why the dragons couldn't find him. They certainly had access to a bunch of resources as the richest people in London, but they'd unknowingly be using the wrong name, rendering all of that null.

[queenshelby]

Daddy Issues (Part One)

Pairing: Dominant!Cillian Murphy & Shy!Reader (& Jamie Dornan)

Warning: Smut, BDSM, Daddy Kink, 4-Somes, 3-Somes, Sugar Baby Arrangements

Summary: Through your best friend, you meet actor Cillian Murphy and come to some kind of arrangement involving intimacy in exchange for being spoiled financially.

Written with: my beautiful wife @darkshelbyfiction

Ever since school, Emma had been your best friend and now that you were both in your early twenties, and studied law at the prestigious Oxford university, nothing really changed. 

Your friendship had grown even stronger despite differences in personalities – you being introverted and reserved, she boldly exploring her newfound independence.

Emma was always full of surprises - from her unexpected move to New York City without telling anyone and then coming back six months later, to now referring to herself as Jamie Dornan's sugar baby when you were on your own while, otherwise, keeping it discreet. 

When alone with you, she would often talk about having "intimate encounters" with him and sometimes even others, keeping you amused while leaving you curious about what exactly happens behind closed doors. You were often thinking about 50 Shades of Gray, spiking your curiosity, although Emma assured you that it was nothing like that.

When talking to Emma and her sugar baby experience, it felt like one day she decided to break all boundaries – whether social or moral – as if embracing freedom beyond comprehension. Despite her brazen behavior, deep down inside, she still cared deeply about your opinion which made things interesting when discussing such topics together over coffee late into the night, sitting among the humming crowd of the cozy London Cafe.

The coffee shop filled up quickly around lunchtime, making it harder for Emma to continue sharing stories confidentially.

You eventually moved outside underneath the shade of a large tree, sipping their drinks while enjoying the cool evening air. Again, your conversation turned towards the subject of sex which was something your life was lacking.

To you only, Emma often opened up about her time spent with Jamie, the man who had become what she calls her "sugar daddy".

Their relationship was nothing serious and it was that, just after his messy and rather public divorce, he sought solace in younger women whom he could provide financial stability for. In return, they agreed upon fulfilling his needs discreetly and you knew that Emma was not the only one. 

As she shared more explicit details of their sessions, which she only did with you, the way she spoke became increasingly sensuous. She had fun, it seemed, and it was just last week that she had engaged in her first ever threesome with Jamie and another man.

"A threesome, with two men?" you asked incredulously, gripped with curiosity as she mentioned it for the first time that day. You only ever had sex with one man, and it was nothing short of boring to say the least.

"Yes. Jamie had a friend over, and it just happened. It wasn't really planned. But we had lots of fun and probably too much to drink as well" she giggled seductively, leaning forward slightly as if divulging a juicy secret. The sunlight reflected off her soft skin causing her silhouette to waver rhythmically against the foliage behind her. 

"Uhm, okay..." you began. "So who was the guy? Was he an actor too?" You queried, genuinely intrigued.

"Yes, he is an actor too, but I really shouldn't talk about this." Her tone implied reluctance to share further details.

Curiosity peaked, you probed, "But come on, tell me! Who is he? You know I won't tell!"

 She hesitated before speaking again, seemingly caught between excitement and fear. "His name is Cillian," she finally revealed, and your chin dropped.

"It's not Cillian Murphy though, is it?" you clarified, thinking of the renowned Irish actor who portrayed one of your favourite TV characters, namely Thomas Shelby. 

"Jepp," she replied simply, confirming your suspicion.

"Oh my god...Cillian Murphy? Is he actually single enough to do that kind of thing? Like wow..." you couldn't help feeling shocked. Even considering you hadn't met him personally, there was undeniable respect and admiration attached to Cillian's image as he tried to stay out of the tabloids as much as possible. 

"Well yeah, apparently he filed for divorce two weeks ago. Weird timing, right?" Emma said, looking almost surprised herself before you took up the courage to probe her with more questions.

"So, you actually had full on sex with them both? At the same time? In the same room?" 

Your head swam with visions of those three intertwined bodies, imagining the erotic chaos taking place beneath the sheets. "Wasn't it weird?" you then asked. You had so many questions.

"Yes, we had sex at the same time and it was crazy," Emma admitted, smiling mischievously. "And no, it didn't feel weird at all. It was exciting, surprisingly so."

Her frankness startled you somewhat, used to living within societal norms, yet also fascinated by how freely Emma discussed these experiences. Perhaps it was because of your conservative background that she never judged your naïveté regarding intimacy.

"I mean, Cillian Murphy is pretty fucking hot, so I do not blame you," you said, catching yourself off guard with your sudden audacity.

Emma laughed lightheartedly. "You want details don't you?" Emma teased, already aware of your insatiable curiosity. Your cheeks flushed crimson in embarrassment, partly due to her keen observation, partly due to the explicit nature of our conversation.

"Yes, of course," you stammered nervously, clearing your throat. You could barely look at Emma straight in the eye anymore, instead fixating on the ground, afraid that your face might betray you completely.

"What do you want to know about?" Emma continued, unperturbed.

"Everything. All the dirty details," you confessed honestly, unable to suppress your voyeurism any longer. "I mean, did they both, you know, at the same time, you know..." you stammered, wondering whether they simply took turns or penetrated her at the same time.

"Put their dicks in me?" Emma laughed, seeing how shy and embarrassed you were, causing you to nod.

She proceeded, "Yes, eventually. They took turns first but then both of them wanted to be with me at once. At first, I thought it was a bit awkward, but after getting comfortable, it became thrilling and liberating." 

You chin dropped, speechless. How could someone like Cillian Murphy be entangled in such debauchery? 

"You look really shocked right now," observed Emma, watching your expression carefully. "Is it because I told you or because of who it was with?" 

Though you were tempted to ask about Jamie, your mind remained fixated on Cillian. As far as you were concerned, he was practically handsome. To think he was capable of participating in these types of wild escapades was surreal. 

"A bit of both," you responded, half questioning and half affirming, hoping she wouldn't sense your growing interest.

"You know, he is single and I could get Jamie to introduce you sometime, maybe. If you want to meet him," she added nonchalantly, as if suggesting dinner plans. 

This left you stunned momentarily. You considered the possibility, envisioning yourself engaging in similar carnal acts.

"I don't think so, no... I mean, I am not like you," you protested timidly, attempting to regain composure. 

"I think you are thinking too much about moral standards which are absurd concepts, developed by society to control people and maintain certain order," Emma chuckled, referring to your prudish nature.

"Cillian is single and he was clearly intrigued by what Jamie and I have going, because it is simple. There is no hassle. No feelings. Only pure physical satisfaction. That's the arrangement between us. No strings attached. And he takes care of me financially which is really helpful seeing that I am, just like you, a student with a huge student debt," Emma went on matter-of-factly.

"That sounds nice," you commented, trying to understand why Emma would agree to being part of such arrangements without seeking a deeper connection. "But, don't you find it degrading sometimes?"

Emma gave you a sidelong glance, understanding perfectly well where your concerns stemmed from. "No, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with having sex for personal gain, especially when consent is given mutually. Despite, I actually really enjoy the sex. It's different than anything else, more intense and raw - and I feel closer to myself afterwards. There's just something powerful about it, you know? Sometimes I wonder how long this will go on, but then I remember that as long as everyone gets what they need, nobody gets hurt. This keeps everything simple and fair game, which suits me fine.”

You listened quietly, struggling to process all the information. It was difficult to imagine Emma – sweet, innocent Emma – as someone who enjoyed these kinds of arrangements. Yet somehow, hearing her describe it made it sound logical, even reasonable.

After all, money was tight for students. If consensual adults found pleasure in such arrangements, why should anyone judge them? You understood why Jamie paid for expenses in return for sexual favors – he wanted to compensate Emma for services rendered, plain and simple. Still, you marveled at how easily she glossed over potential consequences associated with such liaisons.

She always had nice, expensive things nowadays, clothes and shoes alike and she spent most nights with him, having fun and enjoying her life.

Their lifestyle seemed enviably easy and carefree compared to yours, stuck with heavy books and a mountain of debts piled high. Maybe it was worth exploring, you mused fleetingly. Still, you knew deep down inside that this wasn't the path you wanted to take. The idea felt morally corrupt, and it terrified you.

Back in reality, however, the fact still remained that you lacked the confidence needed to approach someone like Cillian Murphy let alone sleep with him. You were too scared of rejection and failure.

It was hard to believe that someone like Cillian Murphy could ever give you the attention you desired. Besides, it wasn’t as if you would suddenly become desirable just because you slept with him. Deep down, you worried that you weren't good enough. Your insecurities consumed you. However, the more you talked to Emma, the more curious you grew. How would it feel to be with such a person? What would happen during the act itself? Would they dominate you entirely? Or perhaps be gentle? So many questions filled your mind as you tried to grasp onto reality.

"Maybe dinner would be alright. I mean, nothing bad can come from meeting new people, right?" You countered cautiously, your heart racing slightly. Meeting someone like Cillian Murphy was indeed exciting, yet nerve-wracking simultaneously.

"Right. I will organise it then!" Emma said excitedly and, to you, agreeing to meet Cillian Murphy felt monumental, almost surreal.

You couldn't help feeling excited, hopeful that he would notice you among others and throughout the night, you couldn't stop reflecting upon the encounter with Emma. Her stories sparked countless fantasies that tormented your imagination, leaving you eager to experience pleasures beyond conventional boundaries. Even though it meant facing risks and challenges outside your comfort zone, the prospect of indulging in passionate encounters captivated you.

After all, hadn't dreaming been harmless until it turned into reality? Confronting your fears allowed you to grow stronger. As you sipped on another cup of coffee, lost in thought, Emma noticed your contemplation.

"So, are you really really sure?" Emma asked, seeing how nervous you were already. 

"Yes. It's just dinner, right?" you said and Emma chuckled and agreed.

"Yes, but these things can lead to more. There is no pressure though," Emma reassured you as a mischievous grin spread across her lips.

"Exactly," you nodded vigorously, although doubts crept into your head when you looked up his soon to be ex-wife and the women he had dated before, all of whom were extremely attractive. 

How could anyone possibly compete against those women? Why would he bother with somebody like me? These negative thoughts flooded your brain but nevertheless, you decided to push through these anxieties. After all, life was full of surprises and opportunities. Who knows, you may end up liking each other!

"Alright, we're doing this, then. Let's see where it leads," you confirmed firmly, looking determined despite your lingering insecurities.

Emma grinned broadly, pleased with your decision as she picked up the phone and called Jamie. 

To be continued....

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[escapingrealtiylovinginsanity]

[Not] Guilty Part 2

Part 1 

A few people expressed interest in this becoming a series. I had a storyline for it when I made the first ‘chapter’. I do warn you guys though I will probably be slow to post. I have a hard time when I feel like I have to write the next chapter of something. Not to mention I am currently packing (and procrastinating packing by writing) to move from Michigan to Tennessee for my new post-grad job!  

This is not a spoiler because I hinted heavily (told you really) at it at the end of the first chapter, but I did want to warn everyone- this has the ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY TROPE. For those of you who do not like those stories, you have been warned. The case is mentioned in this story but is not its main focus, but what will become of the reader and Sonny’s relationship. (I may change the name because it implies otherwise.)  

Warnings- mentions of sex abuse, physical abuse, prison violence, suicide and accidental pregnancy trope (just in case you missed it ^)

Thank you for reading that really long author's note <3

The breakup should be harder on you. It was the longest relationship you had been in. The nervousness you had felt when you had crept up to the six-month marker and the kiss of death to every relationship you had ever had. It had come in like a lion, with you causing fights waiting for the inevitable, and out like a lamb when Sonny realized what the problem was. He had maturely communicated that he had no intent in letting you go. It had been smooth sailing for the most part after that. The relief you had felt when it all just seemed to work out. You guys were just a few weeks away from the year mark.  

The end was as abrupt as your cousin Randy’s arrest. The betrayal of Sonny going after him without any regard to you. Then the attempted railroading from him to you of Randy’s guilt. The whole thing had left you cold and numb.  

You knew Dominick Carisi was a good lawyer and now he could be the one to put Randy away for life. On a charge you were sure he didn’t commit. You hadn’t seen him much since the day you refused to let him into your apartment. You only saw him during court proceedings or meetings with him and Randy’s defense lawyer. Not that he hadn’t tried. He had called, texted, and stopped by your apartment frequently during the first few weeks. You were sure he thought that you were just overacting and that you would come to see the light of your cousin’s misdoings. Process and then accept what was going on. The only difference was you knew deep in your soul that your cousin wasn’t guilty. You wouldn't let anyone railroad you into thinking anything differently.  

Not even a man you loved. 

You had been actively avoiding him and any emotion that he provoked. You tried to ignore that you were a hot mess. The stress and emotional strain caused constant fatigue and churning in your stomach which had a tendency to make you sick. You had been trying to take care of everything for the case and still work overtime to continue paying your bills and for Randy’s pricy lawyer. You had even tried to get the money to bail Randy out, but Sonny had asked for an outrageous bond that even combined your working-class family couldn’t afford. You had tried to make up for it by putting money in his commissary and visiting once a week. Randy assured you he was okay, but it didn’t help make you feel better. Especially, when you saw the black eye and cut lip on your last visit.  

Today was court and it was Randy’s turn to testify. You sat there in support of him and tried not to wince or shift uncomfortably as years of family secrets were let loose in open court. It was to help show Randy’s character the lawyer had explained. It was smart but you didn’t have to like listening to it.  

Randy testified to his mental health issues. His bipolar that left him manic and on top of the world one day and then so depressed he couldn’t get out of bed the next. He went on to talk about the sexual and physical abuse he had received at the hands of his own father. How he had used substance to numb himself. He was in tears when he talked about how he could never hurt someone like he had been hurt. He would rather put a bullet in his head.  

He had tried to skirt around the question about his uncle. But when he was pressed, he talked about how he had witnessed the brutal murder of his father at his uncle's hands when he had found out and then watched his uncle be arrested and put in prison. How he had been put on multiple 72-hour psych holds in the years following. Listening to it all was hard and made you want to curl up in a corner and sob. It was heartbreaking to listen to. Randy looked and sounded believable- like a victim himself who deserved empathy.  

Sonny turned in his seat to look at you. You were only able to maintain eye contact for only a few seconds. It had been long enough to see the understanding in his eyes. The almost audible clicking of all the puzzle pieces of your life that you dodged around or refused to talk about when you were together were finally coming together for him. You could also see the frustration at you not being honest with him and him being blindsided in open court. 

When recess was called until Monday you had to keep yourself from running out of the courthouse and instead force yourself to walk at a normal pace. You couldn’t face any of the SVU detectives that you were once close to. You hear your name called and your body freezes without your permission. A Staten Island accent thickened with emotion. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

You can’t even turn back to look at him. You feel exhausted as you say. “You didn’t want to listen.” 

≪ °❈° ≫ 

You return to court four days later, and there is something strange brewing in the courtroom. You can feel it in the air. You can see it. There is no jury and the courtroom is empty. The rest happens in a blur. ADA Dominick Carisi stands up and tells the judge they had found further evidence over the weekend and they wanted to drop all charges, except for possession. They offered a deal on time served. You felt the tears rush down your face in disbelief. 

You find yourself in the hallway and a hand touches your shoulder from behind. You turn around to see Olivia Benson. “For what it is worth, I’m sorry.” Her face is sincere but all you could hear in your mind was the echoing of her words to you of his guilt and how it was normal to be in denial. It could take a while for your mind to be able to comprehend that someone you know, and love is capable of such malicious intent. “For all the trouble and for all this has cost you.” Even in your haze, you knew she wasn’t talking about the money you had put into Randy’s defense. “With his DNA in her apartment and on that blunt we really thought-” 

“Sharing weed with a woman doesn’t mean you're going to rape and kill her.” Your words are bitter and distant even to your own ears. 

“Of course not,” Olivia paused gathering her thoughts. 

“What happened? What did you guys find?”  

“Well, we went back over the timeline. We had a hard time believing Randy because when we interviewed him, he didn’t even know where he had been for most of the night.” You knew he had been hopped up on some pretty strong stuff that night. “Do you know the cemetery a couple of blocks from where we arrested him?” You felt like a bolt of lightning had struck through you. You did in fact know it. It was where his older brother had been buried after he committed suicide at twenty. “There was a security camera there that had been installed because of some teenager destroying headstones. It shows Randy there hours before Mary Moore’s death to hours after it. He slept there all night actually.” 

You huff out a laugh. Thomas was Randy’s older brother by almost ten years. He, out of the three sons, had taken the worst of the abuse from their father. He had protected Randy and the youngest David until the moment he had ended it all, but it seemed even death couldn’t stop him from protecting his younger brother. 

You see Randy getting released, a bag of belongings in his hand and you start to head over to him completely forgetting that you had been in a conversation with the detective. You are only reminded when you hear her voice raise slightly as she says, “You know, Carisi is the one that started looking back at the timeline. He is the reason this case was dropped.” You freeze feeling something twist in your stomach. An emotion that you don’t want to deal with in this happy moment. 

“It doesn’t change anything.”  

You stride to Randy’s side and hug. You weren’t allowed to touch him when you were visiting him in lockup. He clings to you burying his face into your neck and you can feel the hot tears against your neck. “Thank you. Thank you so much for never giving up on me.” You hug him tighter feeling your own tears roll down your cheeks.  

≪ °❈° ≫ 

You were sitting back at the apartment curled up on the couch wrapped in a blanket as Randy was spending an ungodly amount of time in the bathroom. You smiled to yourself, just happy that he was home. Even if he was back to crashing on your couch. He joined on the couch, hair still wet from his shower. He leaned back into the cushions with a sigh. The two of you sat in silence processing all that had happened in the last four months.  

“I found a rehab program when I was locked up. It focuses on people with mental health issues like my bipolar. I called and they said they had a spot open for me. Someone ran out. Good luck, huh?” You laugh shaking your head.  

“Good to know you still have your positivity streak.” You lay back feeling absolutely exhausted. You had been having a fatigue that just wouldn’t go away. “I think it's a good idea though. It would be good for you to get that settled. Your being off and on your meds hasn't been helping. I just want you to be happy, and have a real chance at the life you deserve.”  

“Yeah, I know. I hope you know I appreciate everything you have done for me. Everything that you have had to sacrifice.” You say his name, but he cuts you off, “No, really Chickadee. All these years, you didn’t have to do any of it. Without you, I would have been dead or locked up three times over by now.” You reach out and start running your finger through his hair. “It’ll probably be good for you to have to space anyways.” 

“I don’t mind you sleeping on my couch.” You assure him. 

“I know, but with you being pregnant and all. I’m sure you-” 

“I’m sorry about me being what?” Randy doesn’t miss a beat. 

“Oh, come on Chickadee. I know you were trying not to make a big deal out of it because of everything that was going on but-” You shake your head at him, laughing. 

“Randy, I’m not pregnant.” The finality in your voice makes him turn his position to face you more fully. He quirks an eyebrow at you. 

“Are you sure about that?” His tone is one of disbelief as he eyes your form. You smack his shoulder saying his name loudly. “Well, I would check into that, anyhow. You know with the fatigue, upset stomach, morning sickness, and with how big those things have gotten.” He gestures to your breast with a wave of his hand.  

You look down at them and feel your mind starting to spiral as you try to think of the last time you had a period. You bite your thumb as you realize it was before the case had started. While it wasn’t uncommon for you to skip when you were stressed out, that was a considerable amount of time. “Alright, I’m kicking you out of my bed. I haven’t had a good night's sleep in almost four months.” Randy didn’t seem to notice your mind spinning. He thought that you were still just messing around with him. He had no idea the can of worms he had just opened in your head. 

You stood up numbly as he started making the couch his makeshift bed. Then flopping onto it with a content sigh. You say nothing as you go to grab your purse and head toward the drug store a block over.   

[fandsart]

Cw: Discussion of death, dissociation

Ever since Vecna, Steve will sometimes wake up convinced he’s dead. That those vines broke his neck. This can last anywhere from 2 to 45 minutes. Lately he’s having to set his alarm an hour earlier than he used to wake up just to account for this.

Robin was horrified when he told her. He explains that it’s not exactly scary. While the idea of dying is scary, the perspective of actually being there is mostly void and numb. She’s still concerned about the fact it’s happening, but less actually sympathetic to any ‘struggle’ it causes Steve. The only real struggle it causes Steve is in the realm of time management.

After some research, Robin concludes that it’s probably dissociation. After all the shit Steve’s been through, it isn’t unwarranted. With Max still in a coma, it’s not surprising he might feel a sort of disconnect from reality, his mind having to work to fully accept his reality as it is while waking. Plus the trauma of the situation, of which being choked out by the vines doesn't even begin to cover.

Usually he can’t move in this state. Well, he can move, but he doesn’t. He’ll turn his head and observe his surroundings, he’ll reposition when uncomfortable. It’s not that he doesn’t have control of his limbs, but the dead aren’t meant to go anywhere, and so to move would feel so unnatural. He’s not supposed to move, and it’s really hard to question succumbing to the mindset when you think you’re dead. Everything is void and numb, and when you’re dead, all there is left to do is stay where you are.

Sometimes he thinks about telling Dustin about his new issue, but Dustin has been kind of paranoid since Eddie died. Robin says it’s probably part of his mourning process. It’s like the bargaining step, but in advance. With the danger they know to be around them, now fully exposed to the reality that death can hit, even with all the preparations they could possibly put into place, there’s still a chance.

With all the supernatural stuff that’s happened, Steve doesn’t want Dustin to get the idea that Steve’s issue is anything prophetic. Robin says Dustin is smarter than that, but she also agrees that since it’s not really affecting anything tangibly, then him knowing doesn’t make much difference. Even after they killed Vecna.

He’s usually pretty conscious when in this state. Sure he thinks he’s dead, but he’s processing the world around him mostly fine. Thinks about how the others must be handling it. That’s really the worst part of this whole thing. Except this time he feels pretty out of it, and…

He needs to find his grave. He’s never felt a draw to move while dead before, but he desperately needs to find his resting place. He’s not supposed to be in the open air like this. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

He wanders, and loses himself, literally. Wanders some more. Finds his grave.

Steven Joseph Harrington.

So his parents came around to bury him then. Otherwise Robin would have known to omit the middle name, and she wouldn’t have let up about it if she were involved.

“Steve?”

He turns around. It’s Eddie. So he is dead after all.

↞⬡+¤+⬡↠

Ever since Vecna, Eddie will sometimes wake up convinced he’s dead. Gnawed to death by those bats. Sometimes it lasts longer than others. Today was particularly quick, which means he has time to visit Chrissy in her coma before heading to the cemetery.

He figures with all of everything that’s happened, it’s some kind of related outlet. He wonders if he’ll eventually get through this bat stuff and move on to waking up convinced he was fully convicted of murder, and not declared innocent.

Steve’s parents finally got back into town, meaning their orders to put his body on ice were overturned so they could have the funeral. That was yesterday, and the group agreed to hold their own little ceremony the next day. Which is today.

They agreed to meet at the gate to the cemetery, and Eddie didn’t think he was that early, but none of the others are here yet. Maybe it’s earlier than he thought. He still hasn’t bought a new watch since his old one got soaked. But it’s also possible that everyone else is having a hard time dragging themselves here. Eddie never had the chance to get that close to Steve, but he’s seen how affected the others are by his passing.

But it’s also possible that he lost track of time, in fact he thinks that he might have. He’s always doing that. Usually he’s late for things, but it isn’t unheard of for him to be obscenely early. Sometimes when he has plans to do things it just makes all of the time before it become designated as ‘waiting time.’ He didn’t check the clock before he left the hospital either. Come to think of it, the sun is still pretty low.

He tries waiting it out, but he’s very impatient. Eventually he decides to try to find the grave. Only Robin already knows where it is. It’d probably be good for more people to know, even though the reason they’re meeting at the entrance is so Robin can just show them, but still. And then he can just circle back to the front once he’s found it. No big deal.

Sure cemeteries tend to be pretty big, but Hawkins is a small town, and there’s a bit of a class division between burial sites. It doesn’t take long to find the area he’s sure the Harringtons would place themselves in.

There’s a familiar head of hair in the distance, but… that can’t be right. And yet the closer he gets, it’s not just the hair; the body type too.“Steve?” he asks even though he knows it can’t be him. But the man turns around and their eyes meet. And it can’t be anyone else either. That’s Steve, with a look of bewilderment and daze to compete with Eddie’s own.

Did anyone think I actually just had Steve die somehow? Just curious Also I don't actually have any further plans for this or what any of it means, but I would encourage anyone inspired to build off of this to do so. I'd be curious how others might want to play with the premise

[roseharpermaxwell]

RWRB FirstPrince Sports (AU or Otherwise) Recs

Hockey, Lacrosse, Rugby - you name it, I'm here for it. Click below for some of my faves!

your future history (it's time) by kjbee81. T, 739 words. Alex and Henry, both rugby players at the Olympics, take part in the tradition of switching shorts after the game. Henry wants to start a different tradition.

OR me getting inspired by a tweet about the Olympic rugby players switching shorts...

Eye On The Prize by milowren. NR, 1.3k. Announcer 1: Alright, here we are at last, we’ve come to final event for mixed teams in archery, and this one’s all for the gold, Lisa.

Announcer 2: That’s right, John. I’m sure these last two teams aren’t feeling any pressure at all.

Announcer 1: (chuckles) Well, we’ll be able to see for ourselves in a minute here, when we get the readings from their heart rate monitors. As you know, the technique for archery at this level is so precise, any fluctuation in the competitors’ heartbeats can affect the outcome.

***

Henry and Alex are archers at the Olympics.

Born To Make History by @everwitch-magiks. T, 1.3k. This season, Henry has a new free skate. It's sassy, flirty, and actually genuinely fun, and somehow, it's taken him all the way to the Grand Prix Final. Still, even though Henry has perfected his lutz since his last competitive season, and gets that all too important second-half multiplier for every quad in his arsenal, he knows he isn't half as good as most of his competition. There's no way he's actually getting on the podium.

Except, one persistently curious and curiously attentive pair skater, with a distressingly attractive smile, gorgeous brown eyes and very interesting ambitions for the post-competition gala, seems to think otherwise.

'Coast-to-Coast' by @cheesecurdsgravyandfries. E, 1.3k. Lacrosse slang - when a player nearest their end-line takes the ball all the way down the field to the opposing team's end of the field.

Alex finds his old high school lacrosse jersey. Henry wears it.

The jersey is tight across Henry’s broad shoulders, the polymesh sleeves pulled by the tension, making Henry’s biceps pop, and if the hem didn’t reach the waistband of Alex’s underwear, it doesn’t stand a chance on Henry’s long torso. There’s at least two inches of skin visible between the top, and the band of Henry’s red D&G briefs - so selected tonight, because the red matches that in Alex’s high school logo on his chest. Henry looks sexy as hell, and he knows it.

i could be a better boyfriend by bananzie. T, 2.4k. It wasn't that Alex didn't like telling people about Henry—quite the opposite, actually—it was just that no one ever believed him when he did.

An AU in which Henry is one of England’s most famous rugby players, Alex met him during an exchange year, and they’re so in love it’s sickening, but no one believes him.

who are we to fight the alchemy by @coffeecatsme. T, 3.1k. INTERVIEWER: Kiss, marry, kill, between Taylor Swift, Beatrice Fox of the Tortured Poets, and Dua Lipa.

ALEX: Oh God, I’m gonna get so cancelled. Uh… Well, my sister would absolutely kill me if I killed Taylor Swift so I guess I gotta kiss her? I mean, she’s hot. And I guess I’m killing Dua Lipa? That leaves… Can I, like, take her brother instead of Beatrice Fox? He’s more my type.

Sets on the Beach by @happiness-of-the-pursuit. M, 3.6k. 95% of the able-bodied New York City queer population sign up to play intramural beach volleyball in the summer (this statistic is not supported by Nora). Unfortunately for Alex, this number includes Henry Fox and his very broad shoulders. Despite Henry’s unsportsmanlike recruiting and stupid genetic advantages, Alex is determined to take him (and the rest of Queerly the Best) down.

Or, Cowboys star Alex crashes out of the closet in an interview. This is how everyone reacts.

bed with your name on it by silver maples. E, 3.3k. “Are the beds really anti-fuckable ‘cause, if so, that’s gonna be an issue for me.”

These are the first words Alex says to Henry after throwing open the door to their shared room. Henry blinks, sitting cross-legged against the headboard, rereading The Little Prince - it felt apt to bring - when Alex’s eyes settle on him.

“Oh fuck,” Alex follows up with, and, “Oh, you’re not Liam.”

go the distance by @indomitable-love. T, 3.7k. His legs are like jello. He’s not entirely sure how he’s still upright. He’s running on fumes and the energy gel he’d been handed about forty minutes ago by one of the secret service as he’d passed by. Fumes, energy gel pouches, the roar of the crowd against New York streets, and pure adrenaline because he can see the finish line. He knows what’s there: June and Nora and Henry.

Henry. The reason Alex is doing this whole damn thing in the first place.

Alex decides to run a marathon. It's all Henry's fault, really.

Red, White & Navy Blue by @jedusaur. E, 4.4k. "Fine," says Alex. He clenches his jaw and his fists. "Great. Watch me. I'll bromance the shit out of the motherfucker." 

Twenty Seven Batters by @historicallysam. T, 4.6k. A ballplayer will refuse to stop playing because they want one more hit, steal, strikeout. One more homerun. One more win. So they get old and they lose their skill and embarrass themselves long after they should have hung up their spikes.

If that’s the rule, then Alexander Claremont-Diaz is the exception.

Because today, at age 38, Alexander Claremont-Diaz is six outs away from a perfect game.

Catch and Release by @welcometololaland. T, 4.8k. Henry isn't good at many things, but he is fairly good at rowing - something which is very deeply fine, until a transfer student from America turns up.

When Henry winds up being Alex's roommate on a training camp, they don't get off to a great start. Fortunately, their coach has other ideas.

A slice of the rowing AU involving midnight training sessions, extreme physical exertion and just a little bit of Only One Bed.

You Spin Me (Right Round) by @myheartalivewrites. E, 5.4k. “...he signs up for Henry’s evening class again, and if he comes in wearing a cropped sleeveless t-shirt with a bi pride flag on it and skintight burgundy leggings, well, that’s just a coincidence. He doesn’t necessarily mean anything by it.”

Henry is a spinning instructor and Alex is attending his first class after being ill. The whole thing is unexpectedly moving. And horny. Everyone is WAY TOO horny.

Tonight, You're Gold by @cha-melodius. E, 6k. “You could stay with me,” Henry says before he can properly think it through. Across from him, Alex raises his eyebrows. Christ. In for a penny, in for a pound. “Only, my roommate’s already done competing, and he’s moved out. So I have an extra bed.”

Alex laughs, his curls bouncing as he shakes his head. “I’m not sure I’m allowed to just move into Team Great Britain territory.”

(When Alex's room in the Olympic Village becomes uninhabitable, Henry acquires a new roommate who, it turns out, he's maybe, sorta, possibly falling in love with.)

your court or mine? by @silvermaples. E, 6.4k. When the guy bends to grab the ball, his little, white shorts lift, and all Alex can focus on is the way those thighs move and the sheer power behind them. He’s focusing so hard he doesn’t notice the incline of the sidewalk, nor the rock in front of him. And then, naturally, he’s bowling over and falling on his ass before he even realises what’s happening.

He may as well just die. Lay here and succumb to his wounds. Here lies Alex Claremont-Diaz, twenty-two and useless. Cause of death? Hot guy in slutty little shorts.

“Oh dear,” He hears, exceedingly British and posh and deep, and he lifts his head. Maybe death was a little premature of an idea after all. “Are you alright?”

you know i love a london boy by @coffeecatsme.  T, 6.5k. “A very special friendship bracelet,” Bea corrects, with such a delight in her voice that Henry is immediately suspicious. He grabs the darn thing and twists it around, glittery beads shining under the lights of the room. A phone number, if Henry is counting them right. Despite himself, his heart skips a beat. “From the one and only Alexander Claremont-Diaz.” She grins, bouncing on the balls of her feet—the day she stops playing matchmaker for her brother will surely be a cold day in hell. The sole excitement of her life since she doesn’t do romance.

Henry twists the bracelet in his hands, counting the numbers again, and then looks up. “Who?”

Or, 5 times Alex and Henry keep their relationship a secret and 1 time they don't. 

let's get lost (and let the good times roll) by riversdeep. M, 6.5k. “Fuck, sorry,” The man says, distinctly American, holding a hand out to right Henry where he’s fallen. His face comes into view as Henry lets the man pull him up, worried eyes and furrowed brows, and he’s utterly mortified to realise that the man isn’t just any random man, he’s Alex Claremont-Diaz, June’s volleyball playing brother. Her very attractive, very concerned looking volleyball playing brother.

There's No Problem That San Diego Can't Solve by @historicallysam. T, 6.7k. Alex doesn’t even bother knocking; he simply twists the knob on the door and shoves it open. His eyes narrow as the door bangs against the wall and he sees Henry on the phone. Maybe (definitely) it’s rude but his blood is fucking boiling so he doesn’t really care.

Because I’m A Scoundrel by @inexplicablymine. E, 8.3k. Alex Claremont-Diaz has exactly thirty minutes to make himself look as slutty as possible for this Halloween Gala. At this very moment he looks a little bit like a sexed up pirate, but with the addition of his small black vest - rest in peace to the Patagonia packers and finance brethren- and a low slung belt with a “blaster,” a very sex-on-legs Han Solo is looking back at him.

Henry Fox, who is both a double scull rower with enough Olympic medals it would make anyone other than Alex sweat, and the definitive arch nemesis of Alex - is wearing a white sylvette Princess Leia costume, hugging his curves in all the right ways, the clingy fabric draping to the floor.

When you and your arch nemesis show up to the most important gala of the year in a couples costume you either play it up or shut it down. Alex has a decision to make, but the way that dress is hugging Henry’s ass isn’t making that decision any easier.

(la)cross(e) my heart by weather_stained. E, 8.6k. Alex is determined to start a lacrosse team at his college. It's his junior year, and he's closer than ever. That is, until he finds out someone else is trying to start a rugby team, and there's only enough funding for one additional sport.

Clubs Day comes around, and he finds that his rival is no other than the insufferable Henry Fox. Alex definitely doesn't spent more time staring at Henry instead of running his booth, but if he does, it doesn't mean he's obsessed with him or anything.

Thin Ice series by @priincebutt. E, 8.8k. Alexander Claremont-Diaz, charismatic center for the NHL's Dallas Stars, is completely and utterly smitten with the posh British librarian he met by complete accident. Tonight is the night, and he's got a plan to completely woo Henry and get his man.

Don't Quit It by @inexplicablymine. M, 9k. “And goddamn last but not least on my Hit It and Don’t Quit It list would be the Saracens rugby player Henry Fox. That man has great depths, and he could so easily plumb my depths, if you know what I’m saying. An all-around fantastic player, but also someone who is ridiculously smart off the field. And we all know by now that everyone on this list features my mile-wide competency kink. Henry, if you are seeing this, we could play around with some balls that aren’t just in play.”

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.

Alex has just accidentally outed himself to 6.7 million people. And according to the comments section, they seem to be all too aware.

Or... Announcing your crush via viral TikTok... that's one way to get his attention ;)

Puck It by @kiwiana-writes. E, 9.7k. “I’m English, dear,” Henry tells him, and fuck if the nickname isn’t doing something to Alex too. “Our national sport is rugby, and we play it with a lot less protective gear. Though,” he adds thoughtfully, “rugby players do wear mouth guards, which means they have the significant advantage of generally keeping all their teeth.”

“We wear mouth guards.” It’s a common misconception, and one that annoys the shit out of him. “And I’ve still got all my teeth. Wanna check?” 

Love-Love by @smc-27. T, 10k. “I hear Alex Claremont-Diaz is available,” she says, and while the idea is terribly appealing, he knows that it is incorrect.

“Alex is an incredible tennis player. If he wanted to pair up, I’d be open to that.”

It is not often Henry’s mouth gets him in trouble. Years of media training and growing up with a celebrity for a dad have left him very practiced in the subtle art of the spin.

Apparently the mere mention of Alex had all that leaving his head entirely.

lacrosse, my heart by indomitablelove. E, 10k. Logically, Henry should have known to expect this. He’s aware of how lacrosse works. Or, at least, he’s developed enough of an understanding of how lacrosse works through Alex. He’s seen photos of Alex in his lacrosse uniform before, and yet somehow that still doesn’t prepare him for the sight of seeing Alex actually playing lacrosse.

Alex returns to his high school to play a charity lacrosse match. Henry joins him and sees Alex play lacrosse for the first time.

You didn't tell me you play rugby by Moony_Reggie_stars_1003. E, 10k. Alex finds out that Henry plays rugby, and has some very specific feelings about it.

Tread Lightly by @smc-27. E, 11k. Alex notices this guy the moment he walks in. Which implies that he hasn’t noticed the guy before now, which isn’t true at all. He’s seen him around. He - like everyone else - has stared at the guy’s eyes and waist and thighs and fucking Disney prince swoopy hair.

Alex is really used to hitting on people and getting the outcome he wants.

Or: Lax bro Alex wants Henry

How to stay with you by lovergalore. E, 12k. Alex feels like he hasn’t slept in weeks, which is essentially ever since he got his new roommate, Henry. Alex doesn’t have anything against his roommate—or his sexual proclivities; obviously, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it gets to a point where almost every other night Henry has a ‘friend’ over and Alex has to pull out his noise-canceling headphones to be able to endure another minute in their shared dorm.

CHECK(MATE) by ma_lark_ey. T, 14k. "It's such an unexpected pairing, a hockey player and a punk star. How'd you too meet?"

"Oh, well, it's really silly. It actually started when Alex's fans started..."

"I met Henry because my Tumblr followers started this elaborate hoax about us being best friends."

"And, let me guess, you ran with it?"

"Oh, June, you know I commit to a good bit."

Pumped by myheartalive. E, 22k. Recently moved to London, Alex meets Henry at a climbing wall, where accidental rudeness and misunderstandings keep them apart, until they don’t.

There's pining, there's climbing, there's stupid boys falling for each other, and smut towards the end.

Show Me What You’re Working With by @clottedcreamfudge. E, 23k. He doesn't want to think the words "monster cock" but frankly, it's too fucking late, because they're now living rent-free in his brain in twenty-foot high neon letters.

How does that even work? Do the women he sleeps with come out changed? Does he have the goddamn ER on alert every time he goes on a date?

Alex isn't into dick, except maybe he is, and maybe this one specifically. 

the winner takes it all by @dumbpeachjuice. E, 24k. In theory, this shouldn’t be a thing. Alex has spent his whole life around other cyclists, on the track and the road and off both, and he’s never had this sort of visceral reaction to any of them.

(Well. Kind of. Maybe he let his eyes linger on a teammate once or twice. But like—Alex is an athlete. He appreciates the human form.)

But the way the muscles in Henry Fox’s thighs stretch and ripple as he urges his bike up the mountain—

Yeah.

It’s a lot.

And if Alex weren’t so determined to steal that yellow jersey off his back he’d fall off his bike.

Made the Right Selection by clottedcreamfudge. E, 27k. "You don't take 'no' for an answer, do you?" Henry says curiously, and Alex cocks his head to the side; his hair falls into his eyes just a little but he doesn't bother to brush it aside. Henry's fingers itch to do it for him.

"I do when it's the actual answer," he says eventually, and Henry's face twists into a smile.

"Right," he says.

"Alex, come the fuck on," Nora calls over from where the squad has started to wander off into whatever day there is left. Henry suspects, looking at the sun, that there's rather a lot of it to go.

"See you later, H," Alex says with a grin, and then he's gone, leaving Henry with his helmet in his hand and his heart in his throat.

Alex is a cheerleader. That's the premise. 

catch my breath to breathe your name by goingmywaydoll. M, 29k. “So,” the person says without pause, “I heard you like soccer butts but not the people attached to them.”

Where Henry’s family owns a (fictional) football club and Alex is fresh from the States and the new star addition to the team and it's all entirely predictable.

Stupid Games, Stupid Prizes by JustAnotherWriter_93. E, 38k. The College AU where Alex is a football player, and Henry has had a secret crush on him for two years, attending every football game possible. Henry thinks that getting involved with Alex will be nothing but a disaster, Alex thinks that maybe he isn’t as straight as he thought, and they’re both a little bit right.

Faster, Higher, Stronger by everwitch. E, 64k. When Alex fails to qualify for the 2022 Winter Olympics, it’s all too easy to blame Henry Fox, the dual citizen who’d switched from Team GB to Team USA and snagged the last spot for men’s figure skating. After Alex is abruptly thrown back into the games, he forms an unexpectedly deep connection with Henry. But no athlete who aims for the top of the podium can afford any serious distractions. Will Alex be able to keep his flaring emotions in check and take home the Olympic gold medal he’s always aimed for?

Baseball Boyfriends series by bleedingballroomfloor. E, 121k. “It’s just — I’ve had such a hard time feeling like I really belonged. I think that’s what got me in the slump in the first place. But coming back here, seeing all the love I still got even though I’m not on the Rangers anymore… that really helped. And being on the Mets, being in New York — you helped with all of that. More than you’ll ever know.”

Or, Alex and Henry are dumb, horny disasters. With an added bonus of baseball.

A Sporting Chance series by clottedcreamfudge. E, 236k. "Marry Henry - destination wedding. Combine all of our names so paperwork is a fucking nightmare." Henry stares at him and Pez rolls the dice, and-

"Congratulations to Alex and Henry Claremont-Diaz-Fox-Mountchristen," he says with a bright grin, and Alex punches the air and makes a 'whooping' noise. "Your wedding is attended by the Beckhams, the President, and several key members of congress. Henry is very gentle on your wedding night." Henry is going to fucking kill Pez.

"Fucking sweet," Alex says, because Henry is apparently the only one here trying not to have a coronary about all of this.

It had just been a party game, except now Henry is in way over his head.

I only tag an author once per post, but I'm still figuring out firstprince author handles. If you see one I may not know or find a broken link, please give me a heads up!

Master List of RWRB FirstPrince Recs

Master List of Recommendations

[deadtiredghost]

oh sorry I meant your opinion on the character.

I love all the turtles but have differing opinions of them across itterations.

Raphael is such a great character with so much potential and I think that this potential isnt explored enough in any of the series really - though I think the same about all the characters really. I know there is only so much you can include in a kids series etc. which is why we have fanfiction!

Obviously everyone associates Raph with anger issues, but I really dont; I think the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Raph is protectiveness and sensitivity. Raphael definately has issues with regulating his emotions but not much more than any of the other turtles tbh. The main issue with his 'anger' is that he resorts to violence first while others like Leo or 2012 Donnie resort to shouting first. ya know? Siblings argue and are competitive, especially when you live in the sewers with no one but your father and brothers for company. They're teenagers who only really have each other, so of course they're gonna act kinda odd and sometimes innapropriate to us - humans who have grown up in normal society.

When it comes to the canon relationships, I can't see Raph with a human. full stop, I personally dont see him attracted romantically to humans. I enjoyed 12!RaphMona, I like the fact that Raph crushes on a woman who can beat him up, its cute and their relationship is cute puppylove which is refreshing, but I enjoyed it more as an idea than the actual episodes that were shown, sorry I cant get over the betrayal (he deserves to be happy tho). Would have loved more episodes about Mona adjusting to earth - or Raph trying to learn her language and adorably mispronouncing her actual name. On the other hand 03!Raph aromantic anyone? anyone? just me? okay.

favourite itteration of Raph: I love them all equally!(lie) I would love to say I love them all equally but my favourite always will be: 'Don vs. Raph' by Jhonen Vasquez from SDCC (check it out)

In a brief few words I'll include my thoughts across the cartoon series:

(in retrospect: this is not brief. I wrote much more than I intended rip.)

(tldr: I like the Raphs and want more content about them.)

1987 - uses sarcasm and insults as a defense mechanism because they have lived in a world that continuously rejects them despite saving it over and over. When they meet the other itterations in crossovers they are delegated to 'comedic relief' and no one takes them seriously. So of course they're annoyed about everything half the time. Despite this they are probably the only 'passive' Raphael and can take an insult but doesnt enjoy fighting physically - though this doesnt mean they are incapable of it, they're still a ninja. the 1987 slander is large and unjustified, it's great. There is also not a day goes by that I remember that Raph chose to spend their 'last moments' playing superhero for humans who will never accept them - i think this reflects all the Raph's really. they dont want to be monsters they want to be accepted by humans deep down, even if part of them resents humans for all that they have put them through

2003 - his accent and whole demenour is 'cause he enjoyed movies with characters similar to how he presents himself growing up - obvi. I think he would be that judgemental and protective wine aunt over Casey and April's kids. We know he has a soft spot for kids across all the itterations and he would be every kid's favourite babysitter. He is a wine drinker not a beer drinker and no one can convince me otherwise. Casey thought he was an adult for like at least a year because of the way he sounds and talks, and Casey only realised he was a teenager because Raph rejected a beer etc. Raph was a stickler for 'health' as a teenager - like paranoid about junk food, smoking and drinking fucking up his health and ability to fight etc. As an adult he might drink recreationally but I still see him and Leo as the paranoid ones about 'drinking too much' and getting caught unawares by their enemies. or something.

Honestly though on the first watchthrough of 2003 I was happy that they made Raph progressively get more mellow and all that, becuase 2012 Raph's 'anger issues' were handled so badly. But now as an adult I was like... he deserves to be more angry if anything. Like with everything they go through all the turtles realistically should get more and more emotional as they react to the trauma of everything going on in their lives. So I would like to see more fanfic of Raph in 2003 dealing with his emotions which are too strong to control after the series is over, and how he deals with controlling his emotions. He is impulsive and nearly gets himself or everyone else killed quite a few times - I think this is key. We know his greatest fear is himself becoming the person who hurts his family, so I think this self-loathing is a part of how he deals with his anger issues. His main driving force for everything he does is how he wants to protect his family. But is self-loathing a stable and sustainable way to deal with your emotional issues? You decide!

2007 - following on from that, I see 07!Raph as very similar, especially if 07 follows on from the 1990 movies. Raph is depressed and in denail and becoming a vigilante is just as much out of some obligation he feels to justify his existence (to prove he isn't a monster,) and a way to vent his frustrated emotions at everyone and everything. He is angry with Splinter for sending Leo away but Splinter is his father who (is a bit of a shit dad in the movie lets be honest) demands perfection and respect, he is angry with Leo for leaving and never taking their emotions into account (all four of them have been together their entire life, they have never spent a significant amount of time away from each other and something bad could happen to Leo without Raph knowing or being there to protect them), he is angry at Donnie for being gifted the 'leader role' when Raph barely just adjusted to listening to everything Leo said and hates being told what to do by anyone; his dad, his older brother let alone his younger brother/twin (however you want to see their relationship). He is resentful of his brothers for 'making' him be a vigilante alone and he is angry with himself the most for being unable to adjust to this change and for feeling like if Nightwatcher is taken away from him he might have a breakdown -(he will have no outlet for his emotions). Raph = Angry Angsty Emo Boi. But he is still Raph and he is still soft on the inside, he is just a little traumatised from everything and needs therapy. Unfortunately therapy doesn't work if you dont actively want to change.

2012 - the audhd is strong with this one. Unfortunately when I see 12!Raph I just see myself *sob*. This entire family is so traumatised and have no adults in their life that they can rely on. I said his 'anger issues' were handled the worst: I stedfast believe that his 'anger issues' were simply undiagnosed neurodivergence and that the majority of his emotional outbursts were ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED. His entire family call him the 'angry one' and tread on egg shells around him a lot of the time waiting for him to blow up or just expecting him to and having really irritating (to me) reactions to his emotions. for example, when Mikey ruins his stuff on purpose and Leo just tells Raph that 'posessions are fleeting' or whatever. Like sometimes Mikey is just teasing and riling Raph up to get a reaction, normal sibling behaviour, but sometimes they just go overboard - case en point, Leo's comics being used as toilet paper which he then proceeds to beat Mikey up for. All his brothers piss him off sometimes (on purpose I might add) but there is a big difference between a snide comment and ruining someone's possession methinks. I wouldn't do that to my bro and he wouldn't do that to me - but I understand that the turtles grew up with no one but each other and that Mikey tries to joke around for a laugh and/or attention sometimes. But Splinter singles out Raph in training and nothing that anyone says or does actually helps Raph in his attempts to control his emotions. Not out of maliciousness or anything, just that they dont understand him or incorrectly assume where the anger is coming from (in Splinter's case I think he sees himself and all his own flaws in Raph, clouding his judgement). But ya, Raph's emotional crutch was venting to Spike who was his only friend and his beloved pet... and we all know how that turned out. But also he probably doesn't do the same with Chompy because of how Slash turned out. I think he consciously realises that he only talked shit about his family to Spike and thats why Spike incorrectly assumed he hated his family and was better without them, so now, he consciously choses not to do that. I like to think that after everything the entire family get better coping mechanisms becuase April's dad is a therapist, please by god let him be useful for once. 12!Raph is incredibly protective and incredibly paranoid and rightly so with how their lives have gone, but it isnt a sustainable mindset and he will run himself dry with that if he continutes - much like his brothers.

2018 - this is such a fun take on what things might be like if Raph was the eldest! I like to think that biologically Leo and Donnie are older than Raph but Splinter just aged them based on how big they were and how their development went (Raph talked first or something). Raph is more responsible but still the headstrong idiot that we know and love. I think the protectiveness is inherent to all Raph's and all that, but that deffo stems from an accident in his childhood. I'm thinking he got angry or overstimulated and hurt one of his brothers because he is so much bigger and spikier, which leads Splinter to giving him a few books on anger issues or child psychology - this could also be a fun source of Mikey's interest in psychology. Donnie is canonically ASD and Mikey is canonically ADHD, I think Splinter got some parenting books on neurodivergent kids and helped Raph with his own emotional issues better than in the other itterations. Either that or Raph is repressing, repressing repressing - both ideas are fun to write! But then Raph's whole 'Savage' thing, which stems from getting lost in the tunnels as a kid - we have seen before that mutants can go feral when left alone over time like 12!Splinter. etc. ALSO! never forget that Draxum created them as super soldiers which might imply that they have some propensity for violence ingrained in their DNA and all that - possibly why he used animals instead of humans at first.

Raph also probably had no strict education along with the rest of his siblings, and they all definately grew up on more modern tv which I think separates them from their counterparts a bit - more chaotic than uniform. They get that from their father of course. 18 makes jokes that are self aware and this leads me to believe that Raph is very aware of his issues "tire, laceface - my emotional crutches" he has plushies and physical affection that he relies on to help his self-esteem issues (the clothing episode "i'm a disaster" as soon as he faces a tiny amount of criticism). It's all reading really nerodivergent to me - wouldn't supprise me is every single one of the 18!turtles had issues with rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Raph has eldest dughter syndrome of course but I firmly reject the idea that Splinter was neglectful as a father when they were kids and Raph was parentified, because it's canon that Splinter was involved in his kids lives and did a lot of things with them, including lemonade stands which would have to be playing protend as they were in the sewers, and the Lair Games. But Raph is shown to not really know how to deal with his bros (such as using a baby voice with Donnie and trying to baby Mikey etc). I do not think that my beloved Red raised these chaotic motherfuckers.That being said when they got into their teens they become more independent etc. sneaking around as to not worry their dad (same as 2003 where they go against their dad's orders to stay home multiple times) and there is clear evidence for emotional neglect, especially with the twins. (personal info here: I have an anxious attachment style, but both my parents were present and doting my entire life, they were just not exactly what I needed etc. and worked 24/7 throughout my childhood - I see Splinter to my dad, down to the depressed infront of the TV 24/7 as I got older.) Splinter clearly loves his sons, but with Leo being so similar to Splinter personality wise (similar to 12!Raph I think that Splinter has a hard time connecting because he sees everything he hates about himself but of course he loves it in his son and conflicting emotions etc.) and Donnie having a very independent and headstrong personality, I think Splinter misstepped and needs to fix it properly, but wasnt entire shit.

MM - mutant mayhem Raph looks fucking hillarious and I'm so excited to see him in the series. Easily knew I would love him from the trailer and after watching the movie he looks like he has a great relationship with his bros, even if he can be critical of Leo - which is just teenager behaviour. I loved that in MM the turtles acted like kids, because they are kids and thats how kids act. I also anticipate that Raph might be a bit insensitive while getting absorbed in his own things, which I was thinking would be a fun conflict to write of course. He just wants to beat people up and I love that.

Mikey: you have a violence problem

Raph: it's not a problem; its a solution!

[tomswifty-fr]

🍑

🍑Share a tidbit of prose you've written, and give the author's commentary! (The writing can be from a bio, etc)

This is a bit from a few years ago, of Josie and co. trying to make sense of Mike's so-called boyfriend!

-

“Ah ha!”

Amelia lifted her head, looking for the source of the sound. The normally neat front desk was scattered with binders and notebooks, with Josie’s horns barely visible behind the drift. “What is it?”

The Guardian lifted her chin until she was completely visible, grinning broadly. “Every time Mike is late for work, every time he leaves early, every time he doesn’t show up, he blames it on someone named Irving. ‘I was with Irving and lost track of time,’” she mimicked. “‘Irving’s doing something, and I have to be there! So sorry, I promised Irving!’ But look at this:” Josie waved her claws, indicating the mess on her desk. “Years and years of library records, and no mention of an Irving.”

“How long did it take you to go through all that?”

“No one named Irving lives in Square Toe. He doesn’t exist.”

“Or he doesn’t check out library books.” Amelia turned away, going back to flipping idly through a book of poems.

“Wait, what’s this about Irving?” Cleo approached the front desk, holding an armful of literature. “What’s he up to now?”

“There isn’t an Irving. Mike made him up.” Josie took the volumes, looking down in surprise. “I didn’t know you were such a big reader, Cleo!”

“I’m not. I’m returning ‘em for Sarge.” The Snapper shifted, waiting for Josie to dig the current records out of the piles of old ones. “Irving’s a real person, though. I chased him just last week.”

Josie paused. “You what?”

Cleo nodded. “Lavinia likes me and Sarge to keep an eye out for him, otherwise he’ll get in her garden and rip up the plants. Vince’s seen him too”

Amelia reinserted herself into the conversation, rolling her eyes. “Vince swears he saw the Earthshaker in the desert last week.”

“Well, he’s a bad example. But I’ve met Irving. I’ve pulled his tail feathers, even.”

Josie snorted. “Irving’s an excuse to avoid work, and I’m not accepting it any longer. Next time I see Mike I’m telling him that myself.”

“Tell me what?” Mike dropped into the lobby with a slight flutter of wings. “I finished organizing the cookbooks,” He gestured upward, towards the second-floor balcony, “but I really think you should get someone in to check for mimics. Some of the reading rooms up there have too many chairs.”

“Sarge and I could do that for you, Josie,” Cleo interjected. “We’ll even work cheap, ‘cause it’s civic service.”

“I’ll think about it.” The Guardian turned back to Mike. “We have to talk.”

“Sure. What about?”

Amelia snickered and Josie shot her a look. “It’s about Irving- ”

Mike snapped his paw. “Oh! I almost forgot, can I please take off early tomorrow? Irving’s cousin just got back into town and he’s having a really hard time.”

Josie covered her face and sighed.

-

So, first of all Irving does exist but he's not a dragon - he's a desert trickster spirit who Mike just happens to be going out with. Lavinia really does not like him because he steals leaves from her mint plants. Irving thinks he's doing her a favor.

Mike is a mild-mannered librarian who has been pulled into ~ghost drama~ mostly against his will.

Josie is the head librarian, and has a lot of anxiety and a lot of aggression, which means that she tends to fixate on details and blow up when things don't make sense. If I had written this today, her reaction would have been uhhh let's say different than just sighing. She is aware of this issue and is working on it.

Vince would be a UFO nut if UFOs were a thing in Sorneith. He is generally well liked but less than reliable.

The Square Toe Library has an ongoing mimic infestation. The library itself has a ton of nooks and crannies and tunnels and backrooms (there is eventually revealed to be an entire guy living down there) so getting rid of them entirely is impossible. Cleo doesn't read, but she is always hustling.

Irving's "cousin" is Elisabuff, another desert spirit but a more sinister one. I have a technically-not-abandoned plot thread about her devious schemes and Irving's rising stress levels. May is involved.

[billhader]

Some of my assorted headcanons for Anoush ☺️

Likes

-Favorite movies: Some Like it Hot, Doctor Zhivago, and Saturday Night Fever

-Favorite TV shows: How to Get Away with Murder, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Frasier, and Veep

-Favorite musical artists: Stevie Wonder, Bill Withers, Sam Cooke, John Coltrane, Cannonball Adderley, Oscar Peterson Trio, Neutral Milk Hotel, Cocteau Twins, Belle and Sebastian, The Cranberries, The Velvet Underground, Beirut, The National

-Favorite foods: Baguette with brie and butter, coq au vin, pasta carbonara, shakshuka, sushi (esp. anything w/ fresh tuna), pozole, orange blossom and pistachio ice cream

-Favorite season: fall (the one thing he misses about New York)

-Coffee order: triple americano with a tablespoon, no more no less, of half and half. If he doesn't trust the espresso at a place, he'd rather get a chai.

Backstory (this gets long)

-He moved out to LA about 15 years ago from NYC, and he grew up near NYC but not in the city. His main motivation for moving there was to get away from overbearing family. He does have cousins in the LA area but most of his family is still out east.

-His father ran a dry cleaning business and his mother was an administrator at a dental office - both have been retired for a while.

-He has a bachelor degree, double majored in economics and history, and he did do law school for a year before accepting that he hated it, which caused a lot of strife with his parents. He tried to make them happy by working at a law firm for a while as a receptionist/file clerk, but the environment was awful for his stress and he just knew he couldn't do it forever.

-When he moved, he worked a lot of odd jobs - a couple restaurants, a winery, some a-hole executive's personal assistant, etc. Hated all of it. He had a very tough time making friends. He even tried going to a nearby synagogue to make friends, though he's not very religious, only to find he was the youngest person in attendance by a few decades that wasn't married with children.

-I might expand on this in a later story, but Anoush met Daniel when he was looking for a car. His own car broke down and money was tight. As they were talking they found out they were both from out east, and ended up having a super long conversation. Anoush left with a nice used car and a job offer.

-He thought he would hate working in sales, but found out that he likes the actual reward for working hard and having conversations with one customer at a time/forming a connection with them.

-In his spare time, he tries a lot of restaurants. He tries to go to one new restaurant every week - he has a huge jar full of hundreds of restaurant names that he picks out of. He also gets out of town as often as he can and takes 1-2 day trips up the coast or out to the desert. California is so different from where he grew up and he just wants to get out and experience as much as possible.

-He has a hereditary autoimmune condition known as Familial Mediterranean Fever (FMF). He experiences periodic attacks of abdominal pain, headaches, and inflammation, always accompanied by a fever. It doesn't happen often and it's become less of an issue as he's gotten older, but the attacks can take him out for up to a few days at a time. He's mostly healthy otherwise, but has to be on medication to prevent damage to his kidneys from the condition.

-His sexuality has always been a serious sore spot for him. He's had lots of girlfriends, but it never lasts long. He's known since high school that he's attracted to men, and his only serious long-term relationship was with a guy in college. The list of men he's been with is very short in comparison to the women, and they've always made him much happier - but those relationships have always been covert. Whenever they get to the stage where they're introducing each other to family and friends, Anoush tends to self-sabotage and the relationship ends.

-He's an only child, and the burden of not having any grandchildren for his parents weighs heavily on him. Part of why he left New York was his idea that it would be easier to date girls who weren't from the place or culture he grew up in, and it hasn't worked out. By the time we meet him in Cobra Kai, he's getting desperate to make the fantasy happen. His parents are getting pretty old. He thinks that the disappointment of no grandkids plus the shock of finding out he's gay would be too much for them.

[stylesloveclub]

ok first this i funny bc i think the last ask i js put in was not as an anon which is fine bc it's really not that deep but i signed it as my anon name (which i adore btw tysm for that) and i js think that's quite silly

ANYWHORE....

so as we all know midterms are a terrible rotten creation and the person who made them deserves to burn in hell (maybe that's a stretch but they certainly get zero brownie points from me 😠) and ofc you absolutely feel that way when you're studying for them. and YES okay, you studied bc failing bc you didn't study and failing bc you don't understand the material are two very different things. the minute you find out you're absolutely CRUSHED bc you work sooooo hard in this class and are always studying and doing what's required of you but it just doesn't make a single ounce of fucking sense in your brain. so you trek back to your place all mopey and sad and on top of that you have work tonight, and don't get it twisted you love your job (otherwise you wouldn't have met harry) but all you want to do rn is curl up in a ball and shovel loads of junk food in your fat gob and wallow in the feelings of pity and being a failure :(((((((. but you can't bc for whatever reason the government says you're legally and big girl and have to take care of yourself (fuck that) so you put on your little uniform and walk the few blocks it takes to get to Pleasing. ppl can tell you're sad and just not your regular chipper self when you come in, but they also know it's best to leave you be in these situations bc you're bound to start SOBBING if someone asks what's wrong and as much as your coworkers love and care for you they cannot afford to be down a staff member so you crying is not any option 💀💀. so you're going through your shift and it's honestly better than you thought it would be bc it's keeping your mind off your grade and how bad it is and your friends and making you laugh, but then the snob of the night just has to come in and ruin the whole mood. you already know you won't like serving him the minute he opens his mouth, all "listen honey..." and you tune out the rest of his words until he finally orders. his date looks bloody miserable, and you wish you could tell her to run for the hills, but at least she's getting a free meal from a five-star restaurant. so yada yada yada things are going relatively fine with the customer until *uh oh* his pasta got messed up. he asked for his cilantro on the side and it, unfortunately for you, came with none at all. you're on the verge of apologizing when he starts chewing you out "what the fuck is your issue? are you really that dense? i get you're just some dumb waitress but you have to have at least half a brain to work at a place like this...." he's so unbelievably rude, causing a scene and grabbing the other customers attention, making them stare as he just yells and yells and yells :(((((. eventually, one of your coworkers, jenny let's say, comes over with the cilantro and slams it on the table and "we're sorry for the inconvenience sir, please enjoy your meal" he doesn't thank them or apologize to you (though his date does which is unnecessary but appreciated) and jenny ushers you away and is all "go see harry hun, it's fine" bc she's one of your closer friends from work and knows more about your relationship with harry than the others. so you run over to his office with a short nod of thanks to her and you don't even bother knocking before you push the door open. and harry's about to scold you until he sees you're crying (which you hadn't realized until just then) and he's pushing away from his desk and rushing to you and "puppy? what's wrong, my sweet girl?" :(((( and so you run down the whole day, from your failed midterm to the shitty customer just a few minutes ago, crying and blubbering into his pristinely pressed shirt. you don't notice that he makes a short call during your rant to get the customer who yelled at you kicked out, but it doesn't matter bc it's short and his full attention is back on you in no time. "baby, m'sorry, so so sorry about your midterm and the mean customers" :(((((( and he wipes your tears away until your cries have settled down to soft hiccups and "c'mon puppy, we're ending the night early"

AND THIS IS TOO LONG HOLD ON

-tummy r*ding anon 😵‍💫

1/3 🥸

[writernopal]

I dunno how ur writeblr prompts work cuz I don't go here but I have a question that may be fun for you to share on.

What drugs exist in Oepus? Tell us about the fantasy zaza pls LOL

MY BROTHER HELLO! Despite not going here, you picked the perfect day to ask this question because, around these parts, it's Worldbuilding Wednesday, so this is on brand 😎

There are a few that are mentioned in AASOAF, like starshoot, tobacco, chewing leaves, and opium but for this one, I'll talk about a few that haven't been mentioned!

CW: drugs, drug use

Bricklespine and Lily Of The Valley

These are both poisons (the first fictional, the second real) which doesn't suit the question...for anyone other than Elves. AASOAF's Elves have innate poison resistance to plants, so consuming, smoking, or otherwise ingesting/using said poisons does not have the effect it would on a Human or any other race. Instead, they use them as recreational stimulants, particularly these two. Both must be eaten to obtain any sort of high and are usually used as additives or toppings to different foods. Because of this, it takes a while for them to hit, but when they do, they are quite strong and long-lasting. Users of these two, in particular, report a high similar to that of cocaine or heroin.

Shine

A syrup-like extract derived from the rovos plant, an invasive species similar to dandelions and other types of weeds. They have beautiful white flowers that have a light, sweet smell and tend to branch out in propagation growth style. These plants can be found all over Oepus, with the exception of very dry areas, and it's not the flowers or pollen that the drug is derived from; it's the unopened buds. When crushed, they secrete a type of oil/essence that can be fermented with sugar and a bit of vinegar to form a kind of paste. This paste has a luster similar to egg whites, hence the name, and is wiped on the underside of the user's tongue. It's considered a "downer" type and can cause nerve damage/death with repeated use. Heavy addicts will usually lose their tongues and teeth, often becoming mute, and may experience other dental/oral issues as a result.

Ptham

A particular 'favorite' of The Pale Kings, this is actually a type of pain medication. It is widely used by the Humans of Oepus when performing medical procedures like bloodletting or tooth extraction and also to relieve menstrual cramps. It has a natural stimulant quality, similar to adrenaline, which helps the body absorb the pain-relieving qualities of it pretty quickly. And the reason for this being a favorite is a rather gruesome one. You see, they are known to be very violent and lovers of torture, so they force-feed it to their prisoners so that they remain conscious during even the most grotesque procedures and withhold it during their recovery period.

[teecupangel]

Here I come once again, thoughts on the new chapter of the AC black flag comic?

Chapter 3 is available for free on Webtoons for those curious and it’s an action-packed chapter.

So here are my thoughts:

1) The action sequence was pretty neat. Ngl, Edward slapping shurikens out of his way is a bit funny to think about. Like... fuck blocking, Imma slap these highspeed projectiles because I'm Captain Edward James Kenway. XD

This does show just how far the Hidden Blades had gotten. Altaïr couldn’t counter using his blade or gauntlet because of how easy it would be for them to break but here’s Edward, blocking an incoming downward jump slash with a smile.

No notes. Just appreciating how far Hidden Blades had gotten. (Also, this is pretty on point since his grandson can use the actual blade as a parrying dagger in his game)

2) So… remember the whole “Dutch ships have been disappearing” info last chapter? Well, the ones who attack Edward are specifically called pirates in this chapter so the idea that they had a hand in the disappearance is looking more plausible. I’m still thinking there’s some kind of Yamatai defense system at play here though until I’m proven otherwise XD

3) Oh yeah, Noa’s showing us that, yeah, divergence in memories causes desyncing which we already know but instead of making Noa redo the entire memory (if there’s no checkpoint), it just bypassed the memory. Yeah? Where was that when Altaïr had to keep dying in the water because of me, Animus? XD

(Improvement of the Animus, most definitely.)

4) If there was any doubt that Noa was a Kenway, this amount of daddy issue is definitely Kenway.

5) So we finally have a name for the place that Edward is looking for: Angkor.

It’s an actual ancient place so I’m going to guess that Angkor in AC lore was built on the ruins of an Isu city of some kind. The mention of a tower is interesting though since whenever Isu BS is coming our way, we’re more used to hearing of a ‘temple’ and not a tower. Angkor Wart does have multiple towers that symbolize Mount Meru but it specified ‘tower’ in singular form so either it’s a different tower altogether or one of the towers. There’s also Pre Rup which has a central tower so that’s also a possibility.

In other words, ‘tower’ is quite vague and I hope we see Edward getting annoyed after seeing that there are a lot of towers in Angkor XD

Wikipedia’s page of Angkor does say that there were Japanese settlements alongside the remains by 17th century which works well with the timeline of this webtoon. Whether these settlers are connected to the Shimazu clan that attacked Edward or not though remains a mystery for now.

As for the POE, if it’s not an Apple (their go-to POE), it will be something connected to the religions practiced in Angkor itself and that’s… well… that leaves us with a lot of possibility. XD

[ofdetonation]

Okay, well.  I feel like it’s important to address what’s going on.  Seeing as I had my URL dropped pretty casually in a post when I’m still trying to figure out what’s happening, I’m going full disclosure.

TL;DR:  I’ve updated my rules to reflect what I’m about to discuss.  If you are familiar with what’s going on and don’t want to read what I have to say, then you will at least know why I have updated my rules.  If not, honestly, I think you’re the luckiest person on this earth  -  being unaware of what’s happening has got to be a blessing.  In saying that, it’s completely up to you on whether you want to read what’s ahead and determine the direction you want to take.

I will be mentioning names / URLs so I’m not robbing people of the full picture, and the overall length is going to be...  Long.  I’m ultimately looking for civility and understanding;  if you think this alone is too much, I understand.

I keep it in my rules that anything circulating drama in this community is okay for me in small doses, but I can only handle so much.

When I first returned back in early August last year, some of my mutuals will understand this is because of my physical health  -  since then, I’ve been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis Relapsing-Remitting.  To better explain, the mass production of the stress hormone (cortisol) can send my immune system into panic.  When that happens, it attacks the myelin sheath protecting my nerve cells on my central nervous system, which causes a variety of issues like lack of coordination & balance, altered sensation, nausea, vertigo...  And I can have flare-ups, or pseudo-attacks, where these symptoms persist.  Lately, the more stressed I’ve been, the more susceptible to migraines I’ve been.

But Tristan, you might ask, what has this got to do with anything?

I’ve mentioned that in my near-decade of Tumblr RP experience, I’ve never had my URL or my name dropped for anything, as far as I know.  I generally stay away from drama.  At the most, I go onto the blogs being talked about to gather information for myself and come to my own conclusion on the matter.  I would consider this reasonable;  it’s non-invasive, and it means I can spend my time observing the blogs in question.  I’m inclined to believe that the person I’m about to discuss would determine otherwise.

Recently, a new Bakugou RPer has found themselves on the scene;  you may recognise the URL as burnyoubastard, or his pen name, Rxgelord.  I’ve seen his rules.  I quickly dismissed him and went about my day  -  in the end, I don’t control what people write or don’t write.  I curate my dashboard to my personal experiences.

A few mutuals of mine were immediately put off by NSFW content from him, and have since pointed to their rules which often state not to follow if you write that content with canonical minors.  I have always been of the belief that fiction reflects reality  -  that in the end, there is always a piece of reality in fiction in some way, and what you write can easily reflect your morality, sense of being, and belief system.  I also understand that some people skim rules and can easily miss these things.  In the end, that’s not really my issue.

I do think writing NSFW of canonical minors is wrong, and as adults, we are able to define the consequence of doing such.  Kids are still exposed to the “wonders” of the internet at a young age.  It’s up to us  -  as we have a better grasp on action and consequence  -  to thus produce content that won’t further expose children to it.  We cannot control everything on the internet, but we can help by not contributing.

Unfortunately, with that, Rxgelord disagreed.  Okay, sure, you can disagree.  Again, this isn’t the ultimate issue that’s come with me watching his blog carefully.

My actual issue is his attitude.  I did not provoke him because I knew that all he wants is the attention and to thrive off of it;  in a way, I’m feeding into it by making this post, though I suppose the most glaring difference is that this is more for myself than anyone else.  And this is not intended to be a callout in any way  -  I am simply voicing my part while disclosing everything I’ve done that has or hasn’t warranted his attention.

I’ve seen the way he speaks and how he claims it’s because he’s a Bakugou kin.  I don’t really have an issue with kins or kinning, though I have my opinions on it, but I don’t like how Rxgelord uses this as an excuse for his behaviour.  Ah, that, and his stance as an “aggressive dom”, which he also reflects onto Bakugou when he writes.

Okay.  I am not an active part of the D/s community, but I understand the fundamentals;  a dom worships the ground their sub walks on and abide by their sub’s wishes.  There is mutual consent from both parties, and either party can withdraw that consent at any time.  A persona is not a 24/7 gig unless it’s with their partner and agreed upon, and doms are not inherently aggressive unless it’s what their specific sub wants.

I would think that in knowing these, unfollowing and blocking as well as asserting boundaries should be considered withdrawing consent  -  but from what I’ve observed, apparently this fundamental is lost on him.

Ultimately though, me watching his blog to keep observing his behaviour has warranted him dropping my URL in a post alongside bakgos, aka Hoops.

Hoops and I have been supporting each other for a few months now, and we’ve been friends for roughly the same time.  We even have an AU with our two Bakugous!  I typically don’t follow other Bakugou blogs on here because I often deal with that pesky thing called duplicate anxiety, but Hoops has been amazing to talk to and I’m glad we can call each other friends.  I admire a couple of other Bakugous from afar otherwise.

If you’ve seen the post I’m mentioning, it was of him clowning on our portrayals for being too soft.  It’s honestly a petty move, but hey, every portrayal is different, and if you’re not fond of our Bakugous, there is a block button...

I was only observing his blog to see what would happen and if what people were saying about him was true.  If he wants to take that as me camping on his blog and waiting for him to come back, okay.  That’s fine.  I don’t control what other people think of me either.  It only proves that my intuition about him was correct and I will not be associated with him  -  he’s since been blocked on this account, but if he’d like to go through the trouble of using other blogs to visit mine, I don’t mind either.  I’m putting this behind me.  I am moving on as soon as this is posted, because I’m ultimately disinterested and do not think he’s positively impacting the community.

If you intend to support Rxgelord / burnyoubastard while knowing his attitude, especially to people undeserving, as well as knowing his content (which he states clearly in his rules), feel free to unfollow or even hardblock me.  I have no qualms if you would prefer to support him over myself.  But thank you for at least taking the time to see what I had to say, and I appreciate that you’ve supported me for however long you’ve followed me.

In the end, what you need to do to curate your experience is completely up to you, and it is completely up to me to ensure that you feel comfortable in where you go.  I’m asserting this boundary not just for myself, but for others.

[misscammiedawn]

When you tag as #dawnposting or #cammieposting, is that like the difference between top/bottom posting? Or am I totally wrong there?

I have long feared the day I would need to explain this. I knew it would have to happen, even if I put in my quick explanation in my Masterpost.

The last time I had spoken on this topic on Twitter I got some severe anon hate for it and it did a little bit of harm to me. I would prefer not to emulate that experience. It was discomforting.

I shall post the easily digestible short version here and then a long version under readmore.

Quickly spoken, yes. That's correct. When I type from the perspective of a somft sweet morsel who yearns I am Cammie Posting. When I am posting from the perspective of someone who likes to pull hair, bite necks and listen to a partner whimper against me as my lips brush their earlobe and I order them to BEG. - That's Dawn Posting.

Then there's Camden Posting which could easily be renamed BPD Posting.

But I guess we have the long version under readmore...

So let's talk dissociative disorders and "plurality". With the caveat that I still consider myself a pwBPD with mood swings that happen to have easily definable names and behaviors.

I am no expert and though I have plural friends, I distance myself from the plural community and their resources because I refuse the label. I find it a complicated relationship and the syscourse does me more harm than any amount of external acceptance, which my brain would reject as bias, could ever do.

So... I 100% have BPD. That's TRIPLE confirmed at this point. BPD is on the dissociative disorder spectrum. It doesn't matter if you're using DES-II, MID or the interview. BPD is there.

...and therapists just... don't seem to ever give folx with BPD a test to see where they are on that spectrum for some reason? Despite Identity Disturbance and Dissociation being 2 of the 9 criteria. I suffer both. Unambiguously. That I know.

Dissociative Experience Scale rates between PTSD, cPTSD, BPD, OSDD and DID. There is so much more to these things than just "multiple personalities" (there's somatic experiences, amnesia barriers, fugue experiences and so much more) and I'm not about to go sharing my physical symptoms because it's none of anyone's business and I hide that shit from people I live with. But I am aware of the depths of this thing... even when parts of me insist otherwise.

And the cause is known, too... Regardless of where on the scale I land, I am on that scale.

So the question is. Do I count as OSDD-1 on top of or instead of my BPD? I do not know. I have expressed as much as I am able to my therapist and they are monitoring me. But they refuse to talk to me about it, likely for fear of shifting the results. I refuse to chase up on it because, plainly spoken, it near about broke me to raise the topic once. I am not going to force myself to talk about it again.

An issue with it is though that it's a covert illness and fights to keep itself hidden. 80% of the time I think I am an attention seeking monster who deserves to be exposed, hurt and exiled. I hate that I indulge in this delusion and just want my therapist to say "YOU ARE FAKING." And be done with it. Luckily I'm presently in that 20% sweet spot and intend to do everything in my power to not delete the post once shared.

So, if I am so defensive and in denial, why am I having myself checked up and utilizing tags which seem to imply I have decided I am?

...and that... is a question that most of me is still struggling with. However, the long story short is, someone I love removed my ability to run from it.

I beg indulgence in not going over the childhood stuff. The earliest signs. I cannot even tell those I trust half of these things and I surely would not care to introduce them to the zeitgeist.

What I shall say, starting in my early 20s, is that I am, as a human being, TERRIFIED of sex (I'll leave it up to your imagination as to why) and I was married in an apparently cishet relationship with an allosexual for 11 years (my journals and a surprisingly large stack of evidence suggests. I was quite aware of my transgender and asexual labels even that early, but I hid them from myself and my partner. Which--- given all I am typing, sounds familiar).

Now here comes the complicating factor that not even my therapist knows how to navigate around. The reason I don't enjoy talking about this stuff and avoid the plural community. HYPNOSIS FETISH PERSONALITY PLAY.

It is so easy to type "I have never had sex outside of an altered headspace". It's so easy to type "My first hypnotist was an abusive asshole who developed entire headspaces for me to inhabit in order to serve him and one was a demure submissive gentile girl and the other was a firm and bold dominant who was unstoppable and he kept me in those headspaces for 7+ years, programming switches to keep my "normal" self unaware of my activities." It is easy to type "I taught my wife how easily and readily my brain can and will switch into "character" headspaces and so in order to have sex with a partner who was incapable of doing it, we worked together to summon our tabletop characters from my soul for kink purposes"

It gets complicated when I try to take those things in the past and apply it to Out Of Scene stuff. It's important to bring it up. I think the fact that I have no memory of engaging in sex with my partner over the course of our 11 year marriage is a VERY IMPORTANT THING to bring up in these discussions. But it was self-inflicted. So...

To put on my educator cap for a moment, I shall remind that this is why one must practice safety when engaging in physical or psychological edgeplay and perhaps you should, as a traumatized person, avoid abusing loopholes to trick their way into doing things that regularly would cause them to completely shut down. Heavens the younger version of myself was a stupid child. But she loved her wife. She wanted to be the person that she needed to be. She was willing to literally cast herself aside in order to do that.

Now, outside of scene, well? Was I fine? Was I rigid and firm and knowing who I am?

No. I had already mentioned Identity Disturbance, remember? I have journal entries from 2003 where I say that I "play myself as a character", I have ones from 2005 where I equate the idea of a voice in my head having the scent of lavender and my mother's voice... and while dating and married I had a soft and sweet affectionate mode "Kitty". It's what she called me. The immature and silly little girl. Nothing like the firm and hard boss who existed at work where I ran a market and handled a staff. Miss Manager, as a friend referred to her as.

Then you have me. The one who has an insatiable hypnosis fetish while dealing with a fear of sex. Someone who wants too pin people down to beds and hear them whimper when the very thought of doing that elicits such shame that I collapse in on myself and try to delete my accounts. I shamefully admit I have succeeded more times than I care to count.

Incidentally the existence of journals going back to 2003 offers some mild evidence of its own. Especially the huge gaps where I had deleted chatlogs and entries and pushed things away.

Sad to say I am hardly the healthiest or most adjusted human.

It's interesting to read my journals from the era of my divorce. There are so many obvious signs of it. Moments I was in "flow state" and was the person I wanted to be for a little bit, or the moments I got a sudden rush of Power and used it to control someone I was flirting with.

Within my marriage, I was well and truly hidden and any attempt to step outside of the bounds of the relationship was to be treated internally as cheating, shameful, awful. Outside of my marriage it was freeing, liberating. It was exploration of my new found ability to interact within fetish communities, my new found comfort within my gender expression and as that comfort grew, my ability to do what I do grew.

And so ignorant of my circumstances, I, collectively, began to rely on "me" - in plural terms "Camden started wanting to be Dawn". And that isn't how any of this works. I would soon find out I couldn't just activate what, at the time, I called "Strong Mode". It doesn't just turn on when I need it to. It needs to happen naturally when the mood and vibes are right. But I was growing closer to Sleepyhead and she had a way of drawing it out of me so I was starting to get comfortable doing that. Being that. Becoming that. Not via a hypnosis scene, as would happen in my marriage, but just by intention. Internalizing that those characters were me and I am capable of doing what they do.

Incidentally I have chatlog from that abusive hypnotist who turned me into his recruitment doll. My typing style shifted when I was "in character" and it matches how I present now. Which was truly terrifying to recognize, particularly as decades had robbed from me memories of the shady depths of which he had pushed me in that arrangement.

There had been so many reactions of "wait, I could do that?" Even in the early days. I do not understand how abilities that only exist in one headspace work, but I also know I lost my ability to run a movie theatre a lot. But surely I was just tired, or distracted or having an "off" day.

Any time I was struggling against it I simply rationalized. When I ended a fun evening with my friends and realized how much of an immature and playful idiot I had been the entire night I would be flooded with shame for how I had acted. I would often complain that no one got to see who I am in an empty room because once other people are there I "turn into a completely different person"

Which, again, is just BPD. That's BPD. I'm describing BPD.

Which brings us to the Acceptance Arc, where I stop hiding behind BPD and start accepting that I may be fractured.

I had started dating Daja this year. I have enough knowledge at this point to be able to predict myself. So when setting boundaries, warnings and limits I discussed heavily and openly the bounds of my, then diagnosed, BPD and how my moods change at random.

Because the mood shifts are something I had internalized by this point. I knew that I would just become emotionally disengaged from a scene at random. I was inconsistent. Unreliable. Dare I say "broken".

I warned her that during a scene I was topping I could lose "that energy" and just disengage and that it wouldn't be her fault. It just happens.

When we met and had started play, our friendship was at least 11 years old, she took care and attention to watch me in my different "Modes" and she had not just recognized them but she could see the differences. When and where the shifts occurred. How it impacted me to be called by different names at different times.

There had been moments in the proceeding years where Sleepyhead had accidentally gotten it right and it made me giddy. Moments where I noticed myself acting "In a mood" while driving and needed to have myself "pull the breaks".

But this was the first time someone looked in my eyes, saw what was happening in my head and commented on it for me. During a scene with Dawn, Daja reached out and brushed her cheek tenderly and the emotion melted as a shift in tempo occurred and she knew before anything was said that I had "lost" myself and was in a different place now.

That weekend she paid attention and learned me in ways I honestly feel undeserving of. It seems unfair to rely that heavily on another person. But no matter my mood, no matter my manner; she SAW me. Called me by my name(s) and... suddenly I couldn't hide anymore.

How can you tell that feeling that wells in your heart when what's happening inside is what's seen outside? Up until then I just felt insane. The incongruity was just part of being alive.

When I am in a certain headspace, I am consumed by self-doubt and paranoia. I know myself to be delusional. Irrational. Manipulative. Thus I cannot trust myself and if I cannot trust myself I trust everyone else and go with their views of me. Which fits in with the BPD catalogue, anyway. I adapt to my surroundings. Become what I am perceived to be. Because I need other people to perceive me in order to be.

So... I try to mirror someone who holds a mirror to me? I can't escape what I see and what I see is contradictory and it is pleased to hear its own name and it wants things which it knows it cannot have.

...and that makes things tough. Because now here I am, slowly accepting myself as a fractured individual. Someone who compartmentalized her sexual desires vs her fear and hatred of sex. As someone who yearns to be cared for vs someone who has experienced homelessness and refuses to allow ourselves to rely on another person in order to survive. As someone who wants to push people away vs someone who wants to hold them close. As someone who wants to die vs someone who wants to live. As someone who wants to live openly and embrace the term plural vs someone who wants to repress it and reject it and hide.

I keep telling myself I am not allowed to openly "embrace" myself until I receive a diagnosis and my present therapist seems rather uninterested in exploring the possibility. They gave me a DES-II and did not even comment on the results. I feel toyed with by someone who refuses to engage or educate, as if I am stuck with a caseworker whose job is to report to insurance so I may get my surgery and medication. It is frustrating.

I use the tags because I know the joy I feel when Daja calls me by the right names. I use the tags because I do not want to feel like the actions and opinions of myself as Dawn should impact the way Cammie is perceived. I use the tags because it flies under the radar and lets me express without stating a truth. I use the tags because I like to know Daja can see me, even when I post online.

And to be honest? I wrote all of that above because I'd convinced myself no one would click the readmore and I'd be safe just pretending to be "Sub, Domme and Mentally Ill" tags.

Anyway. I shared way more than I'm comfortable with. I'll suppress the urge to delete it after I press post.

Update: Hey! I'm not ready to talk about it publicly but you'll never GUESS what I got diagnosed this year >.>;;;

[sweetrays]

About me: 

Just call me by my username I don't like using real names anymore

(bisexual transsexual male & 2 yrs on T) 

I write novels, short stories, and fanfiction

I draw novel illustrations and favorite characters

I'm autistic and therefore can be perceived  a little bit strange 

My dominant special interest fandom wise is Peter Pan stories. (Hook is my absolute favourite Peter Pan movie. You'll mostly see me talking about the character Rufio) 

I liked OUAT Peter Pan for a little while last year but it's not my thing anymore 

My other special interest is historical (mostly 19th century) fashion

A quick heads up:

I enjoy NSFW art, but I don't post any. There might be some reblogging of that here occasionally. 

A lot of the fanfictions I post are openly based off- have some sort of connection to my somewhat disturbing fetishes that involve characters dying or being hurt

I know some might not be comfortable with that.

If you'd like to be my friend please just skim through the readmore just in case you find my opinions distasteful. If you do, just block me I don't want trouble

My Internet Discourse Opinions

Stupid but very important in order to avoid ugly confrontations nowadays 🙁

"Proshipping" 

-the good pure holy shipping vs. icky yucky nasty evil creepy freak shipping stuff is bullshit. If you give me/a mutual shit over FICTIONAL ship your ass is getting blocked cause that's just a whole nother level of ridiculous. I do not condone the bullying and harassment that is so common in 'woke' fandom culture nowadays. It is disgusting that people are throwing around paraphilic accusations and words like p**o at innocent fanfiction authors who are just enjoying characters with no real malicious intentions. 

I come across ships on ao3 that absolutely disgust me on a day to day basis, even so, the last thing I'd want to do is be mean to the author/anyone who enjoyed that ship. That's because the author has just as much a right to write about just as I have the right to be uncomfortable. No character ship is illegal and people are allowed to be as gross or weird as they like as long as it remains fictional (which in 99.99% of cases no one is actively trying to encourage and/or normalising pairing that would be illegal irl) That's never how fandom, art, or fiction has ever worked. If you think otherwise, all I'm saying is you have some serious issues and you need help. 

When I write an age gap pairing I don't parade my fic around going "EVERYBODY START DATING YOUR FATHER!!" I tag with many warnings to avoid upsetting people who would be opposed to reading it + add a disclaimer explaining how I do not support such things in real life situations because I don't and neither does anyone else who ships 'problematic' things. 

Transgender discourse (neopronouns, etc) 

As a transgender male myself, I don't care what pronouns someone uses or what gender they claim to be. I am pro-block anti-harassment when I see someone I disagree with. 

However, I do block quite liberally when I see people saying that transgenderism is possible without dysphoria. Because it is not. Being trans is not a choice. Dysphoria is the cause of being trans. Even if it's just a tiny bit of dysphoria you are still valid. If you're a feminine presenting trans male, that is fine, if you're a masculine presenting trans female, that's fine too because even if you're trans you absolutely do not have to abide by society's confining gender stereotypes. 

But, if you are feminine presenting non-dysphoric afab going by he/him or a masculine presenting non-dysphoric amab going by she/her. That is not transgender. You just picked different pronouns. Which again, I don't care about the pronouns thing so whatever, but just please don't call that transgender because my brother in Christ, we are not the same. 

Therefore please leave me alone if: 

You have some sort of weirdly obsessive morality/legality bias against people minding their own business with character shipping in fandom

OR

Think that being trans is a choice. 

Thats all, have a nice day. Don't forget to block if you don't like me lol.

[fursasaida]

as my cognitive capacities have improved somewhat (certainly not back to baseline), i have noticed i have a specific issue with typing. namely, i occasionally type (approximate) homonyms of what i intended. “here” instead of “year.” “must of” instead of “must’ve.” “concept” instead of “context.” things like that. doesn’t happen that often, but it never used to happen at all.

i assume this is plain old brain damage? since it happens whether i’m feeling symptoms of a lack of perfusion or not. (doesn’t mean it’s not reversible, and if it isn’t it’s hardly catastrophic.) but anyway i feel like it’s giving me some insight into one of the common kinds of mistakes people make. i was never particularly high-horsed about this sort of thing, but it was something that i simply did not do. whatever it is did not “happen” to me. so while i could certainly infer that such errors were based on sound more than sense, and have some kind of abstract sympathy for or acceptance of that, i couldn’t really imagine how it could actually happen. like. those just are two different words. in my world there was no possibility of confusing them. but here these swaps are, just popping out.

i don’t know if this means that i’m sort of talking to myself as i write more than i used to, and transcribing the “sound” from the inside of my head to the page? is that what causes this?

i used to be very doubtful about the notion of “internal monologue,” at least as a literal proposition, because as i perceived it i only really thought in words if i was working really hard at figuring something out, or at phrasing something. or like, actively telling myself to do something in a poor-executive-function situation, which i suppose is also an attempt to concentrate and also hard work. otherwise it was just...intuitions? connections happening? more abstract than words. presumably this is why i’ve generally had to write my way through things to think them out: the ideas don’t get crystallized enough without being put into words, and the main way to make that happen was to write it down unless i was focusing really hard on some small piece in particular. (also because i will not remember whatever i thought of otherwise.) this would probably all track with how regular to-do-listing became very important to me in the last few years.

so maybe what’s happening now is that abstraction is much harder than it used to be (had to take a four hour nap after answering a question about my dissertation at dinner), so instead everything is being channeled into something like “internal monologue,” and that creates more opportunities for this kind of sound-swap. is that how some other people “normally” think, like all the time? is that what’s meant by internal monologue?

(I suppose this might mean in fact *not* brain damage per se but an artifact of stress. I dunno. I'm not a neurologist.)