#plonker

[slappy-the-lad]

Catposting

This cat is my best friend, every time I exist in the same house as her she's trying to get to me to cuddle, she loves being in my room when I'm home, and being in my lap when I'm gaming. As I'm writing this she is on my lap purring. She heard me come up to my room from somewhere else in the house and decided to come on by.

[crunchbuttsteak]

As I’ve just been forcibly reminded of “Only a Plonker Would Call Time of Sozzled Bonking.” I’m going to make y’all suffer with me.

Imagine if this headline came out during the peak years of tumblr’s british obsession, i.e. the wholock in superwholock.

[footballandshit]

ben reacting to the video 🥺

[greekmythcomix]

✨Why Paris is such an Utter Plonker✨

(2014: https://greekmythcomix.com/comic/why-paris-is-such-an-utter-plonker/)

This little ranty Paris infographic is also a two-section video over on my YouTube channel: an explanation of the comic and then a detailed literary rant, with evidence, expanding on all these points. An essay, if you will, on Paris’ Plonkerness.

Enjoy!

youtu.be/1pJ-BOwkHaE

[keyrousse]

(source)

[smalltownrobin]

Who's good at deciphering blurry text cos Maya's an idiot and just posted a s5 script page on her instagram

[helianskies]

need more of arthur calling people plonkers

[28dayslater]

Lily’s rat?

[shit-people-probably-didnt-say]

Being able to see history is cool and all but why tf do museums think its alright to grave rob?

Especially so if they’re Egyptian tombs

[blitheringmcgonagall]

A mix of 31 prompts and microfic prompts…

@jilytoberfest

Prompts 1 & 2

Prompt #3: fire and #4: “I know, but I wanted to”

Sirius Black heaved an irritated sigh.

“For Merlin’s sake, I’m surrounded by incompetent fools!” he muttered to himself.

“Ha! If you think you can undo Prongs’ idiocy when it comes to anything remotely related to Lily Evans - good luck with that!” Peter snorted, downing a contraband lurid cocktail that Mary had concocted. It was supposed to look like a mint milkshake - it reminded Sirius of swamp water - vague rotten egg smell and pond scum colour. It was wonderfully lethal.

“I swear to Circe, if they haven’t gotten their shit together by May, I shall be forced to stage an intervention!” Sirius said, folding his arms.

“Oh? And what kind of intervention would that be?” Remus asked, leaning into him and giving his shoulder a gentle push.

Remus was a bit drunk and much more generous than usual with physical affection, which Sirius deeply appreciated.

“A successful one,” he said in a lofty tone, resting his head against Remus’ own.

“Can’t wait,” Remus hummed.

***

James sat slumped in his seat, hand holding up his head, watching the dancing couples, eyes following a particular fellow Gryffindor - vivid green eyes, cheeky grin, cobalt blue dress twirling.

“She’s never going to go out with you.”

He turned his head slowly.

“Snivellus,” he sighed deeply. “What can I do for you?”

“There’s no point sitting there staring at her like a creep! She hates you.”

He hesitated. Had he actually been staring at her like some weirdo?

Looking up he saw Sirius reaching for his wand, Remus glaring at Snape and Peter’s eyes twitching nervously towards the professors’ table. The problem with friends who happened to have Furry Little Problems or furry alternative selves was that their hearing was too sharp. Minerva McGonagall was looking over at him too, wearing a sour expression, although she couldn’t possibly have heard the conversation?

“Apologies to Evans if I was making her uncomfortable,” he said.

“You don’t care how she feels, you just want to force her to go out with you, you disgust me! You disgust her!”

Sirius Black was on his feet and Remus Lupin had his wand out and McGonagall’s lips were a stern line as she dropped her napkin (was anyone else able to convey such disappointment and authority in such a tiny gesture?)

“For fuck’s sake, shut- “ he growled, feeling his shoulders tense, fingers finding his wand. In another lifetime, say this time last year, he’d have hexed Snape already.

Just then he caught Lily’s eye. She was looking at the with concern, her smile gone and replaced by drawn brows and pursed lips. Poor Evans, imagine having to deal with two stupid, selfish wankers like them…

He breathed out slowly, forcing his shoulders down and placing his hands in the air, a placating gesture.

“Look, Snape, you’re probably right - I’d say I do disgust her. I have no intention of asking her out, alright?”

One side of Snape’s top lip lifted in disgust, but he clearly wasn’t expecting that answer and couldn’t find anything to say. He stood there awkwardly for a moment.

“Can i interest you in a snack? Beetroot crisps? Twice fried chips?” he said.

Snape glared at him suspiciously.

“A glass of butterbeer?”

The thin boy squinted at him. James smiled, all laid back innocence.

“Wondering why I’m offering? I know, but I wanted to.”

“Fuck you, Potter!” he spat out, turning around and marching off in the direction of the Slytherin tables.

“Prick,” James said to himself, knocking back an entire glass of firewhisky.

“Alright Mr Potter?”

McGonagall was looking at him with an unreadable expression. It was difficult to answer when his eyes were watering from the strong alcohol.

“Right as rain. Fit as a charmed fiddle,” he coughed.

“Water, was it?” She asked, sniffing in the direction of the empty bottle.

“Something like that… a liquid, anyhow,” he said, with a sheepish grin as he ruffled his hair.

***

“Oh gods,” groaned Remus, face palming. “I can’t listen to this, it’s too painful.”

“Prongs is a useless liar when he’s drunk,” Peter noted helpfully.

“He’s an out and out idiot at the best of times,” Sirius said, wisely downing the remainder of his drink.

“Bit harsh, Padfoot,” Remus sounded amused.

“No, that’s it. I’ve told him time and time again. I’m not idly standing by while he makes a balls of everything. Tonight takes the biscuit.”

They watched as James moved towards McGonagall, who was muttering under her breath in response to his ineptitude.

“Care to dance, Professor?” they heard Prongs say.

“Smooth,” Peter said.

“Foolish,” Remus said.

McGonagall’s left eyebrow raised. Prongs swayed.

“Perhaps another time, Mr Potter,” she said, not unkindly, patting his shoulder in what could only be described as a consoling manner.

“Right. Another time. When I’m less drunk.”

“Precisely, next year’s Hallowe’en Ball, perhaps.”

James’ mouth gaped.

“Right. Spiffing. Merlin!”

“Holy shit!” Peter squealed.

Sirius was inclined to agree with him.

***

On the first of May, Sirius Black walked into Dumbledore’s office, unannounced.

“Professor, we have a problem,” he said, without preamble, sitting himself down opposite the headmaster’s desk and placing his right foot on his left thigh.

“Good evening, er, Mr Black. How kind of you to call in for a… chat. A problem, you say? May I be of assistance?” Dumbledore asked, periwinkle eyes curious as he reached over for the sweets. “Lemon sherbet?”

Sirius Black shook his head.

“A problem. Of the very irritating, long-standing variety. And I know how to fix it!”

[misskattylashes]

The staged photos - an alternative theory

Okay some of you who follow me know I write Milex fan fic, so my head is always in a kind of romantic Milex space. So please hear me out with my latest theory to the staged pics.

It is the ultimate act of love. His love for Miles

Alex knows that Miles has always been in his shadow and to some people, inferior. I mean he can't even be interviewed without people asking about Alex. Maybe Alex wanted him to shine this week in the run up to One Man Band, and went along with Pauline's publicity plans, but deliberately made himself look stupid so people would turn off him for a while.

With people thinking he is an idiot they are going to concentrate on Miles and not even bother asking about Alex. Therefore Mi gets all the attention he deserves and OMB is a huge hit.

Grateful for Alex being so kind, Miles repays him by......ooops no smut here

[brakingpoint]

apparently jake called ticktum a plonker?? never felt so proud to be british tbh

😭😭😭 genuinely though the highlight of the race for me was when the commentators were confused for several laps about how jake could have dnf'd from such a tiny bit of contact with pascal and when the reveal that it was a Ticktum Torpedo Moment hit i was genuinely cackling with laughter

[wander-over-the-words]

Am I really still seeing posts on my dash where people feel as though they need to “““point out”“““ that a romantic relationship involving Batman’s rogues would be unhealthy??

why don’t we point out water is wet while we’re at it????

[thesunsethour]

hahahahhahaha i tried to organise a workshop zoom tutorial for the new guys at work and my screen didn’t share and i had to cancel it halfway through and i want to curl into a ball and never see a human being again and DIE

[axvoter]

Blatantly Partisan Party Review XI (NSW 2023): Informed Medical Options Party

Prior reviews: federal 2019, federal 2022

What I said before: “If there is one thing this party is profoundly uninformed about, it is medical options.” (federal 2022)

What I think this year: These bad-faith actors were active prior to the covid pandemic peddling misinformation about vaccination and fluoridation of drinking water. Of course, the pandemic only heated up their rhetoric, which seeks to undermine vaccines and other public health measures that are proven to be safe and effective.

Broadly put, this party supports all sorts of woo. Worse, they sow public doubt and hesitation during a pandemic. Their Q&A page actively tries to undermine confidence in medical science, disingenuously exaggerates scientific uncertainty, and casts responsible public health measures in an authoritarian and threatening light. If you want your teeth to fall out and to die of preventable diseases, this is the party for you.

Recommendation: Give the Informed Medical Options Party a weak or no preference.

Website: No.