#plus i got health issues and doctor appointments to make

[happy-radio]

Why would you pay for your car to be drivable if you're struggling with money?

I'm American.

[hornyfor-redacted-onmain]

Longing

Pieces of My Heart - Chapter 10 Stray Kids OT8 x reader, Soulmate AU

Masterlist | Next Part

Chan Hey, just checking in. How’s your dad? Y/N He’s good, awake and lucid Doctors say everything went smoothly, he should make a full recovery Chan That’s good. Y/N How are the boys? Chan Missing you. Img.png Y/N Tell them I miss them too Chan I will. Give your dad our best wishes. Y/N Thanks

0o0o0

Sophie Hey, I just got your message Are you okay? Y/N Don’t worry, I’m fine. My dad’s okay too I didn’t get a chance to update you Had a lot on my mind Sophie No, yeah. I get it Y/N How was the day 2 concert? Sophie Just as amazing as day 1 Well, actually it was a bit weird I felt like the members weren’t as playful as the first time around. It seemed like they had a lot on their mind too … Maybe it was just one of those days Y/N Yeah, I guess Sophie Either way, it’s a shame we didn’t get to hang out more before you left I’m glad your dad’s okay Y/N Me too. If I’m ever back in the city, I’ll let you know Sophie Of course. In the meantime, want to see some videos from last night? Y/N Sure!

0o0o0

Y/N You sure you don’t want anything from the store? Mom I’m sure sweetie, thank you. Y/N Ok Mom Hey, while I have a chance to talk to you without your dad listening in. We need to talk about your soulmates. Y/N What about them? Mom Sweetheart, I remember when I met my soulmate. We were inseparable for weeks. I couldn’t even imagine how hard it is to be away from them right now. Y/N Mom … Mom I mean, even now, not being able to see her makes me uncomfortable. Why do you think we have our weekly Friday night meet ups? Y/N I thought that was just an excuse to go out and complain about Dan from finances Mom You and I both know I don’t need an excuse to complain about Dan. But that’s not the point. I can’t stand not being with Lucy. And we’re only platonic soulmates. From what I’ve heard, that’s definitely not the case with you. Y/N Mom! Mom You should be with your soulmates. Y/N Dad’s still in recovery, mom You can’t take care of him yourself, you have work and your health issues … You need help. They understand, we can make it work Besides, they’re on tour. I was going to have to be away from them for a while anyway It’s not like I could just go on tour with them Mom I’m sure that’s not true. Y/N Im almost back at the room. We can talk about this later

0o0o0

Soulmates

Y/N Hey Did you guys land yet? Seungmin Few minutes ago Felix Hi!!! How are you?! I’m good Felix, thank you ^^ Seungmin Img.png Img.png Img.png Felix YAH! Seungmin wtf!??! Seungmin Not my fault you all fell asleep on the plane Felix So you decided to photograph us?!!? Seungmin Blackmail material Minho I’m going to commit murder Y/N Awww, you guys look so cute I hope you guys get some rest … Guys? Wait he wasn’t serious about the murder was he? Hyunjin Hi baby I miss you Jisung I miss you too! Hyunjin I miss them more! Chan Guys, it’s not a competition Felix But if it is, I definitely miss them more >:) Y/N Guys, Minho wasn’t serious about killing Seungmin, was he? … Guys?

0o0o0

Jeongin Did you have breakfast yet? Y/N Shit, no I’ve been busy. I had to take my dad to his doctor’s appointment today and then I had to go do groceries Jeongin :( Y/N Sorry Innie. I’ll go get a snack rn Jeongin You haven’t been eating a lot lately … You know coffee doesn’t count as a meal, right? Y/N I know Sorry :( Jeongin You need to take care of yourself. I’m worried about you Y/N I will, I promise Jeongin I’ll remind you if you don’t. I swear, you’re worse than Channie-hyung Y/N D: I’m not that bad Jeogin … What did you just eat? It’s disgusting Please never eat that again Y/N You take that back Ham and Jelly toast is delicious and I refuse to accept this slander Plus its an easy snack Jeongin I will pay you to never eat that again Please Stop! DID YOU JUST ADD HOT SAUCE?!!!? Y/N Suffer

0o0o0

Mom I had a talk with my boss about work. He’s agreed to let me work from home for the next few months. Y/N Oh, that’s good. Now you can spend more time with dad during breaks and lunch … Mom It also means that I won’t need your help around the house anymore. Y/N Mom, we’ve talked about this. I’m not leaving you guys! Mom It’s been almost a month. Your soulmates are almost done with their tour You should go see them. Y/N I appreciate the effort mom, I really do. But can you just drop this? Mom No, I won’t. Why are you forcing yourself to be so unhappy? You think I don’t notice how stressed and upset you’ve been lately? You’re not eating well, you’re not getting a lot of sleep. Honey, I’m worried. Being away from your soulmates for so long so soon after meeting can’t be good for you. Or them! Y/N They have each other, they’ll be fine. Mom That’s not how this works, and you know it. Have you even talked to them about it? Y/N I don’t want to talk about it. Not right now. Mom You can’t run away from your problems forever.

0o0o0

Soulmates

Minho 커피 원해? (anyone want coffee?) Jisung ㅇㅇ (yup) Felix 내!!!! (yes!!!!) Chan 주세요. (please.) Seungmin 됐어요 (im good) Y/N I mean, if you’re offering It might be a bit cold by the time you get here though Minho Ahh, wrong chat Sorry Jisung Wait a minute! Since when do you read Korean?!! Y/N I don’t??!! I just used google translate Although I did recognize 내! That means yes :D Minho 귀엽다 (cute) Changbin Waa, our soulmate is so smart. Y/N :D Don’t drink too much coffee though. I’ve been told it is not a meal >:( Im talking to you, Chan Chan I have no idea what you’re talking about Y/N >:( Jeongin >:( Felix >:( Jisung >:( Chan It’s only my second cup today! And the first one was 3 hours ago! Y/N IT’S ONLY 9AM! Chan … Felix I’m going to kill you

0o0o0

Y/N Hey, can I ask for some advice? I need an unbiased opinion Sophie Well I’m not sure I’d consider myself unbiased. I’m definitely Han biased, that’s for sure. ;) Y/N It’s about my soulmate Sophie OH! I totally forgot about that, you haven’t talked about them at all! Y/N Yeah, between everything with my dad and then school and stuff … My mom has been on my ass these past few weeks about it Sophie About what? Y/N She thinks its unhealthy for me to be away from them She has this scary close bond with her soulmate, a childhood friend of hers. And she can’t imagine being away from her, so she thinks that I need to go be with my soulmate But I’ve been refusing, and now every time I see her it feels like she’s seconds away from starting another argument I’m just so tired of all the arguing, and wondering if maybe she’s right I have been having a harder time getting sleep Sophie Oh wow, that’s …. Wow. Y/N yeah Sophie I’m not sure you want my honest opinion right now. Y/N Please, I do. I need someone that isn’t my mom to be straight up with me. Am I being irrational? Sophie Well, first of all, being away from your soulmates is definitely not easy. But It’s also not a big deal, and long distance relationships work fine even between new soulmates. So maybe your mom is projecting a little bit. But I don’t think that’s the problem here. Y/N ??? Sophie Why does the idea of leaving to be with your soulmates bother you so much? I mean, when I found Alexis I was overjoyed, but I still didn’t have time to see him a lot. We both had school and work, and it was hard to find time to spend together. Honestly, I would have taken any opportunity I had to be with him. And yet here you are, turning down all of your mom’s offers. I feel like something else is at play here than just your mom’s pushiness. Y/N … Sophie I told you you wouldn’t like my opinion. Y/N No, you’re right Fuck, you’re right Sophie I usually am :) Y/N Thank’s Sophie, I really needed someone to knock some sense into me. Sophie Glad I could help. Want some memes? Y/N Yes, please!

0o0o0

Y/N Mom. I’m sorry You were right, I want to be with my soulmates. I really appreciate everything you’ve done to give me the opportunity to be with them. And I’m sorry I’ve been so stubborn about it. But Mom, I feel like you’re pushing me away. I feel like you don’t want me here. My soulmates will never be more important than you. You’re my mom, and I worry about you and dad. I worry about you guys being by yourselves, about being away from you. I’m scared and I just feel like everything is moving too fast. Can you call me when you get off work? I love you.

0o0o0

Y/N We need to talk Chan That doesn’t sound good Y/N It’s nothing bad, I promise Chan Okay? Y/N My dad has been getting better. He’s walking now. Chan That’s great! I’m glad your dad’s okay. Y/N Yeah Chan I have a feeling that’s not what you wanted to talk about, though. Y/N They managed to talk with a neighbor, and he agreed to drive my dad to his appointments if my mom can’t take him. And I started taking online classes. Chan Huh? Y/N Chris I think we need to talk about what happens when you guys are done with your tour.

[fannyrosie]

I've followed you for quite a while and I've always loved your style plus I lived vicariously through your life in Japan lol. I'm sorry if you've already posted this I couldn't find the post but I was wondering why you left Japan. It's my dream to live there one day and I was curious what it was like.

I have answered that in my Instagram Stories, but here is the long story version (TL;DR: I came back mainly because of my poor health):

I left Japan after 6 1/2 years for several reasons, but one the main reason is because of my health. I've never been the healthiest person, even before moving there (I was even dubbed "the sick one" at my old job because I often had to suddenly leave work in the afternoons). I was constantly tired and had really bad abdominal pains. I saw several doctors in Montreal, and all I managed to get was a diagnosis for IBS and anxiety. However, I was functional most days, and managed to work and live relatively normally, as long as I rested a lot and stuck to my FODMAP diet.

During the few first years of my life in Japan, my physical health remained that way, with some random very bad health periods, but overall, I was fine. I even started to workout regularly to improve my posture and muscles. However, from 2020 onwards, my health declined significantly. On top of my worsening IBS, I started having really bad spine pains, radiating to my head, chest and arms, and making me so tired I had to take several days of rest every time I went out. I started to catch every little virus I got in contact with, and had to avoid taking public transport the most I could. I was working from home, and walked a lot, so that was manageable, but it made me more isolated.

I saw several doctors, but even though they did blood tests and x-rays, they couldn't find anything and just assumed it was stress. After reading about EDS, I thought I might have that (since I am also hypermobile), and had to wait 7 months to get an appointment at Todai's hospital. However, on the day of my appointment, I got told that Todai only deals with EDS related to heart issues, and my tests were all normal, including my x-rays. That was in June 2022, and was the final straw, as it proved that even the most advanced hospital in Japan couldn't help me. By that time, I had to wear a back brace to do the most basic things, like laundry or going to the supermarket, and was taking painkillers every day. I had to stop working because I couldn't work on my computer for more than 2 hours a day. Obviously, no work=no money.

Coming back to Québec, I had to wait 3 months to get back on the public health system, and as of today (6 months after being back), I managed to get x-rays and MRI showing I have: discopathy (degenerative spine disk disease), osteoarthritis (degenerative joint disease), several herniated disks in my cervical region and pinched nerves due disks collapsing. Basically, I have the spine of a 70 year old. I have been referred to a physiatrist, but we all know that Québec's public health system is very slow. so God knows when I'll see one. Nevertheless, they found something, which is better than all the doctors in Japan who told me it was just stress. Japan sadly has a big culture of having to "endure" pain (mental or physical), and it shows in their medical system.

Due to the degenerative nature of the illnesses they found up to now, my health is constantly getting worse. I used to have good and bad health days, but now, I have more bad health days than good health days. I still take painkillers every day and wear my back brace to do normal tasks, but most days, these are not enough. I am trying to make the most of my "good" health days by dressing up and doing nice things, but I never know how I will be the next day (or hour).

I had to take two breaks writing this; hopefully it makes sense haha

[bunnyseahorse-blog]

I don’t feel like my therapist is listening, so I fired him, and I don't even feel bad.

I have half a dozen serious mental illness diagnosis and medical issues. When I applied for disability I was approved in three months (usually takes longer from what I'm told) and almost immediately moved from their metaphorical “she might get better” to “she’s going to be receiving benefits for life” pile.

The doctor I saw from age 7 to 30 advised me not to drive because of my condition that causes me frequent fainting.

She suggested I not live alone because I have delusions, mood swings and sometimes need to be hospitalized. I saw this doctor for 23 years, and also went to other specialists that agreed with her. I saw her until she was retired.

My general doctor says that even though I am overweight she is pleased with my glucose and cholesterol levels. My old, and also my new psychiatrists agreed with her.

My parents say I can live with them and have support. They are actually creating an expansion on the house so I can live on my own sort of and still have them nearby. My eldest sibling is inheriting the house when my parents die and they will rent to me until I die. We don't always get along, but I am trying, and we are navigating our unique dynamic so we can make it work.

This new therapist I’ve been seeing keeps insisting I go off disability, get a job, move out of my family’s house, live alone, and lose weight. Because I’m too old to “mooch off my parents.” He made comments from the get go about my weight. I am overweight yes, but he's not a doctor or nurtritionist. I am not experiencing any health issues because of my weight, which is partly due to my medical conditions and my meds. He made a comment once that i should show some pride in myself and not wear a beanie to sessions "do something nice with my hair." He told me once my shoulders looked smaller and I must be doing better. I was thinking.... do I have fat shoulders too??

I am going to a session today to explain to him nicely that he needs to let me set my own goals, and also educate him on how my life really is. I don’t think therapists should require educating. If he doesn’t get it, I’m leaving the session but I’m giving it a shot anyways.

I’m scared and I’m angry. Wish me luck? I don't want to be a project for him. I want to talk about things in sessions that i need to, not what he considers on his own agenda.

EDIT: I went to the session and voiced my concerns about he got a little defensive, but eventually seemed to see what i was saying and switched his focus to what I told him my goals were. However... I wanted a therapist to help me work through my abandonment issues and trauma, not a life coach to push me. I think i might find someone with a different focus is good. (plus him getting defensive isn't a great sign to me) he also insinuated that my little sister, who he has heard off, never met and never examined, is mentally handicapped because of one of her birth parents. We've had her tested, and everyone seems to be saying she's very sharp and doesn't have what her birth mom has. He also asked what my doctor of 23 years even did for me. I was like... diagnosed me with everything I have? Oh but according to him, diagnoses aren't relevant. I have a condition similar to schizophrenia, and yes you should know if you have that....

Also... I signed something saying he could have access to the last notes of my previous therapist, since I have extensive history but he apparently never got it, never told me he didn't get it, and wants me to go through the process again. I feel like the office dropped the ball, because I signed it already.

I think it might be time to move on... I canceled my next appointment. I feel like I should be able to find someone who listens better, and is there to help me, not fix me into things I am not capable of. Having him insist I am wrong and lazy for excepting my limitations, after the long grieving process that came with becoming permanently disabled at 26, has been upsetting, because I keep doubting myself, even though I know I have done the right things.

[nerdieforpedro]

This baggage is heavy, can we drop it off somewhere?

Chapter two of "Do we know how to love?"

Frankie Morales x Nadia Thomas (plus size OFC)

Fanfiction 18+ MDNI

Masterlist

Summary: Nadia makes an impulsive but ultimately good decision. We found out a lot more about Frankie’s past. Nadia also decides to just let go.

Warnings: cursing, toxic relationships, angst, thoughts about sex, lengthy mentions of drugs and drug use, Addiction, pregnancy, death, mental health issues, medical issues during pregnancy, 12 step program

Notes: I kinda meant for it to be more lighthearted than it turned out.

Sitting in her driveway, Nadia studied the sticky note. She thought about throwing it away, she should not have this, shouldn’t have even taken it, but she did. Nadia had been swept away in the magnetism of meeting a man like Francisco Morales. Him speaking to her and enticing her with a few sentences was something that Eddie had never been capable of remotely doing, even when they first met years ago. Nadia felt she should just sent a text and break up with Eddie, but it still felt wrong, she preferred to be upfront with him, but it didn’t work well the first time.

“I’m in a relationship I can’t stand. What’s the harm? I’m meeting a new friend. A sexy new friend.” Nadia grinned to herself and got out of the car and went into her house, putting down her purse and hopped in the shower. She texted Kim and Katie and told them that she wasn’t coming she was tired. They texted back playfully mocking her for being a homebody, but hoped that she felt better and that they may stop by this weekend. Nadia told them that she’s working on something, and that she would tell them about it later. The nurse did add the number of her contacts under the name ‘Chocolate curls.’

“Hey hermana, thanks for coming by. I’m have a meeting tonight.” Frankie stated flatly. It was required for him to keep working as a pilot. He may not have to go as often as he once did, but he had to make sure he went and call his manager. Frankie was a hell of a pilot, he could fly a plane, helicopter, jet, anything if you let him tell it, he could also fly a blimp and hot air balloon. The woman was his best friend’s wife, Yovanna, she watched his daughter during his meetings.

The meetings were with cocaine anonymous, a program he entered the year his daughter was born. His wife at the time, Maria had put up a lot from him, with his drug use, being away for long periods of time due to work and a difficult pregnancy to boot. She had been stable on her lithium for years along with lexapro. He remembered the doctors testing her heart to make sure it was okay periodically and it was but when she became pregnant things changed. 

The OBGYN reviewed her medications and said she couldn’t take the lithium anymore, only the lexapro. Maria’s mood swings worsened and she started having high blood pressure during her second trimester. Frankie missed more of her appointments and they fought more which let to him doing more cocaine and picking up more hours while high. It was his own fault he knew, he should have talked to her more and supported her. He did not, one week before his daughter’s birth, he was fired for flying under the influence and nearly crashing a helicopter with some big wigs on it. The very least he could do was provide for Maria financially, but he couldn’t even do that. Maria had been complaining of contractions but her water hadn’t broken yet, Frankie did offer to go to the doctor with her but she didn’t want to, she had her birth plan with a planned home birth, doula and candles that he didn’t understand. 

The pilot had told his wife that he was off to work when really, he was going to snort his cocaine in an industrial parking lot, away from everyone. He received several calls, but drowned them out with the swimming high, riding the waves as he closed his eyes. By the time he was coherent enough to check his phone, there were two missed calls from his wife, two from her doula and five from the hospital. Maria passed out during the home birth after her water broke and her doula had called 911 and tried to get a hold of Frankie as well. When 911 came, it was the doula who went to the hospital with Maria. The medical staff tried contacting Frankie as well but he didn’t answer. They treated her as best they could while Maria went in and out of consciousness, she kept stating that she wanted her baby to be safe and asked if her husband was here. The staff told her that they would do their best and that he was on the way, though no one had actually spoken with him. Maria was having seizures associated with eclampsia, the baby was delivered safely, but the medical staff were having difficulty getting Maria stable post birth, they were able to slow her seizures, but her blood pressure kept increasing and making her bleed more than expected and they weren’t able to keep up with her body’s demands. When Frankie finally arrived he greeted his daughter Camilla and the body of his wife Maria.

Francisco Morales cried for the first time since finding out he was going to be a father. He mourned his wife Maria and their marriage and that he had failed not only as a husband but a father for not being there for his daughter’s birth and caring for her mother properly.

It was then that he asked for some of the biggest favors in his life and relied on his old Special Forces buddies. He needed to get clean ASAP but doing too quickly would do more harm than good. He asked his best friend Santiago and his wife Yvonne to care for Camilla while he went into inpatient rehab, meanwhile Will and Ben (who was never in Speical forces but tagged along to see what he could do, not much except some babysitting) working on talking some old commanding officers to have Frankie become a pilot again with strict requirements.

Complete inpatient rehab

Drug testing weekly

Go through a re-fresher course for non-commercial pilots

Attend meetings at least three times a week, calling his CO (commanding officer/manager) so the call could be traced to a cell tower near where the meeting was supposed to take place.

Give address of meeting for further location confirmation.

After six months of negative weekly drug testing, while switch to monthly hair testing for one year and then either testing can be done if drug use is suspected.

Morales adhiered to the rules placed on them and welcomed them, after getting the house ready and baby proofed and working out day care, he was able to care for Camilla and himself within the year while working. Now that she was six, he focused on childcare during summers but had turned things around, though he still had to deal with people mentioning his past drug use, thankfully they seemed to have enough tact outside of Ms. Shirley not to mention it mostly.

On his way to tonight’s meeting he reflected on things as he usually did, not quite feeling the urges he once had for the drug, instead it was placed elsewhere in caring for his daughter and sex. Frankie did not have an issue in that arena, more like he wanted something in addition to the sex and he hadn’t really found a woman that he could go on more that three dates with, they were all boring, some of them married. None of it was for him.

The school nurse he met today was interesting though, he was used to dealing with more confidant women, that matched his ‘let’s get it’ energy no matter if his daughter was present or not because when the feeling strikes you it’s best to say something coded so little ears don’t catch on. He did appreciate that she didn’t seem to be swayed by what he was sure Ms. Shirley had already told her, that old prune took the opportunity to badmouth him whenever she got the chance. Frankie suspected is may have to do with him not eating her dry cake that she was offering everyone. Most of the parents took a pity piece, but Ms. Shirley’s face became real twisted when he asked if she had any milk or water to go with the cake. The pilot was up for the challenge of getting the nurse, Miss Nadia, to be more honest about what she wanted with all those breathy sighs. Had his daughter not been there, he may have tried to sweet talk her onto that desk and fuck her in just that lab coat.

Taking a few deep breaths himself, Frankie steeled himself for this week’s meeting, he wouldn’t have much to say per usual. He didn’t want much to say, he preferred boring everywhere except the bedroom. He hopped out of his truck and locked it, double checking he had his keys wallet and phone. He was about to turn it off when he saw a text notification:

Hi, it’s Nadia from the school nurse’s office. I just wanted to reach out and see when we could meet up this week. My evenings and weekend are open.

Frankie chuckled, it’s pretty business like how she was at the office. He made sure not to open the notification because he didn’t want to leave her on read. He would definently have the bare minimum to say, he needs to check his schedule after this meeting. It was rare that he ever went to these meetings with a smile on his face, but tonight he did.

Elsewhere…

Nadia sat on the couch sipping her moscatio out of a 16 oz Sailor Moon tumbler with a straw. She had texted Frankie and was nervously awaiting a reply or maybe she wouldn’t get one, she wasn’t super worried about it, because she had refilled the tumbler once already. Instead, she was more concerned about the text she would send to Eddie. The wine emboldening her, she felt she could just send him a text, telling him not to come by her house any more because they were over and he can go with some basic woman elsewhere. It sounded simple, it was not want she texted Eddie. 

Nadia sent him the following text message:

Eddie, I haven’t heard from you for three days even after I tried calling you with the time difference and texting you. You’re over there doing monkey business and you can keep doing it. I don’t want to see you ever again. Everything is on your terms and I hate it. I wasted more of my life because you sucked my nipple a few times. Fuck you, or better yet, have someone else fuck you so they too can be disappointed in not being satisfied any of the times, like not even close to where I can finish the rest. Just bad. Horrible. You should watch some porn and get some pointers. Ugh.

The nurse finished her tumbler and stood up triumphantly, but then held onto her couch because she had stood up too fast. She then decided, drinking water would be best and to take some Tylenol before bed. “I gotta change the locks, I think I was dumb enough to make him a key.”

Nadia called first thing in the morning and paid a bit extra to get a locksmith in that morning. There was still a wide time window, but she would be able to be at work by noon. So far Eddie hadn’t called or responded, she was nervous, but also glad because she didn’t want to talk to him. After having the locks changed and having two spare keys in addition to the main one made, the school nurse headed on into work. Once she arrived, she got settled in her office and started reviewing her emails. Her phone pinged and a text came from Frankie exactly at 12pm:

Hey sexy nurse. This weekend sounds perfect, I know a good Italian resturant we can go to, you alright with me picking you up around 7 on Friday? I’m looking forward to finidng out what else you like besides chocolate.

Nadia could feel the smirk he likely wrote that last line with. She just read it a few times while she sat at her desk, imagining him looking down at her again. Running his hand up her arm, pulling her forward onto the desk, spreading her legs and…

“Nadia honey! Have you seen the stapler? I bet that wispy looking guidance couseler took it again and didn’t bring it back. If he can wear such big sweaters, why can’t he get his own stapler, I’m sure that sweater was more than a stapler.” Miss Shirley’s noise brought Nadia back from her daydream. She cleared her throat and realized she was hovering over her chair, leaning her body forward.

“Are those some new chair exericses? Are those any good? You look flushed dear, Maybe you should take a break from those, you just got in.” The older woman remarked before leaving her door, presumly to track down the rouge counsuler for the stapler.The nurse plopped back in her chair and closed her eyes, trying to calm down, inhaling and exhaling deeply. She then giggled becuase she remembered when Frankie had commented on her breath control. 

“I’m losing it…over a man I met once. Will I even make it through a date with him? At this rate, I should drive, becuase that’s they only way i won’t jump into his car.” She muttered to herself. Then in dawned on her, why should she? If she wants to fuck him in the car and he’s fine with it, why not? Hell, maybe they won’t make it to dinner. Nadia crossed her arms and spun around in her chair. She’s just getting out of a relationship, it doesn’t need to be serious, right? Could she do that? Be un-attached?

“I just must be firm. I can do it…I think.” Nadia finally replied to Frankie.

Good afternoon handsome. Seven sounds perfect and I love Italian. You can pick me up, I feel like being pampered a bit.

Nadia sent it and put her head on her desk. She did feel like being pampered at least one night and if she had a one-night stand, it would be icing on the cake. She just had to mentally prepare for the cake.

[heyitssashag]

It’s been a busy week but just wanted to check in. I find it helpful to use this space as a log of my appointments and symptoms when I don’t feel like writing it down in a journal. Plus, I know that sometimes my experiences or information can help others that may be going through something similar. I try to be as open about my “journey” (man, I hate that word but sometimes that’s the only word I can think of in the moment) as possible. I know for myself, reading others stories have armed me with some good information.

Xeloda/Chemo & Skin Issues

Being on the Xeloda (chemo), it triggered a psoriasis flare for me. I was referred to a great dermatologist at the cancer agency. He prescribed me a topical medication that has only been on the market for like 3 months called Zoryve. Unfortunately, it’s also like $350 a tube that may last only a few weeks. He gave me the information to apply for some financial assistance for it. I’ve been dealing with psoriasis on and off for 40 years. It comes and goes. Always something triggers it - whether it’s hormones, infections, crazy weather or severe stress. This time, it’s chemo. Treatment has always been some sort of steroid cream for the last decade. Before that, it was stinky, sticky coal tar ointments. So gross. I was always grateful when it would magically disappear and not come back for year(s).

Psoriatic Arthritis & Seeing a Rheumatologist

The dermatologist asked me how my joints were. I almost fell off my chair. I knew what he was referring to - psoriatic arthritis. I’ve been having joint issues for years (even before cancer). I couldn’t get my dermatologist to refer me to a rheumatologist for the longest time. Finally, in 2019, my old hag of a dermatologist retired and I got to see a new one - thankfully, she referred me. He was very thorough but the tests came back as negative - but he told me there’s still a chance I have it but it’s just not detectable yet in my bloodwork. He told me to be retested again in a year. That was pushing 5 years ago. It makes me wonder if the recent bone degeneration showing up in my bone scans (and not my CT) is actually inflammation from arthritis and not cancer. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants?! It’s a long shot but entirely possible. This would be helpful information. Even for pain management. Anyway, I was just called today for an appointment with a rheumatologist at the end of next month.

Oncology & Side Effects from Xeloda

The last few days I’ve been feeling weird. My heart has been fluttering a lot and I’m exhausted. I’ve been prone to heart palpitations since my teens but it only lasted brief moments. My Mom and I went for a 6km walk together this morning and I had to sit half way through because I was so tired. Then it started to snow so that motivated me to walk a little faster. lol. I spoke to the fill-in oncology doctor over the phone and told her my concerns. She sent in another requisition for extra bloodwork tomorrow. Then I go in and see her in-person at the Cancer Agency on Friday for a physical examination. I’m glad she’s being thorough. Whenever I’ve had heart flutters in the past that lasted a while, it was always related to my electrolytes being out of whack from long runs or extra hard/long workouts… like training/sparring in taekwondo or BJJ. I’m a slug compared to what I used to do so I didn’t think it was that but I decided to sip on electrolyte drinks in between having lots of water today. I have been coping with gastrointestinal issues, too (thanks, Xeloda) so it’s possible.

In the past, I’ve had to wear the 24 hour heart monitors a few times and the doctor mentioned maybe doing this again. The doctor also mentioned I will be able to get an extra week off my the Xeloda as well. Yay.

Anyway, that’s all the health stuff in a nutshell for now.

Yesterday was my last day of Art Therapy which made me a bit sad but also relieved from not having to do the travel. I’ve also been referred to another art therapy program that is low cost and I can do it from home.

A few more weird pieces I did in art therapy.

I have more to say but I’m tired and this post has gotten too long. Instead of a cup of tea and a book, it’s time for some deep breathing and/or a meditation.

[blueroses789]

From Green to Blue

Chapter 15: Into the cage

Next chapter: Fear

Warnings:

Angst

Smut

Mental health crisis

MDNI: 18 plus

note: Thank you for your patients! School just started. But I really wanted to get this chapter out!😘💕

The scene Mikasa had walked in on was akin to a tornado. In the guestroom, a few pictures lay. Shattered glass cracked under her feet. She could hear shouting from the kitchen. 

“We’re over. Now get out.” It was Eren’s, sharped with cold distaste. Mikasa set the tin of cookies she brought for Carla and headed into the kitchen. Zeke was helping a stumbling Grisha to his feet. Eren had an arm around Carla. 

Mikasa was nearly knocked off her feet as Hannah barled passed. The front door slammed shut as she left. The carnage left in her wake was something else. Broken cups, hot tea staining the floor, and if Mikasa wasn’t mistaken, dribbled of blood. 

“Mikasa.” Mikasa saw that Armin and Y/n were here as well. Mikasa rushed over, seeing blood on the Kleenex Y/n was holding to Armin’s nose. 

“What happened!” Mikasa checked over his face. 

“Well-” Armin looked to Eren. 

“I broke things off with Hannah.” 

“We should probably break this meeting up. It’s been enough excitement for everyone today.” Carla’s voice held an obvious forced calm. 

“Y/n, Armin, can I drive you two home?” 

“Yes. Armin, how's your nose?” He withdrew the kleenex.    

“It’s fine.” Quietly, everyone helped clean up the mess. Mikasa was curious. She was sure that a break up was not the full story. And why had Eren broken things off? Last time everything had been going well. Was it because Y/n was pregnant? 

Y/n, Zeke and Armin were quick to leave. Zeke had checked to make sure Hannah was gone before going out. Carla collapsed into a chair. 

“Carla, is something wrong?” Worried, Mikasa knelt down to her height. Carla didn’t respond, only resting her head on an exhausted arm. 

“My God.” Grisha muttered. Eren flopped down on the couch. 

“So what did happen?”  

“She’s fucking insane!” Looked at Eren. What had made him so antagonistic towards Hannah. He continued. 

“She nearly knocked my mother over. Hannah better stay away if she knows what's good for her.” 

“What's with the mess?” 

“Hannah and Y/n got into an argument. Hannah got a bit too confrontational and Y/n shut her down.” Grisha said.

“What did she say?” 

“Hannah wanted to come to Y/n’s doctor appointment.” Mikasa shared a look with Grisha.

“Really?” But this didn’t feel satisfactory. Mikasa knew there was more. Taking Eren aside would be best. 

“Carla, why don’t you go lay down.” Without protest, Carla got up and went upstairs, followed shortly by Grisha. Once Mikasa was quite sure they were alone, she turned to Eren. Mikasa took a seat beside him.

“What's been going on?” Eren groaned, head in hands. 

“She’s been driving me nuts. Shrieking at me over pictures and then it's the cold shoulder.”  

“Have you tried talking to her?” 

“What's there to talk about? It’s her insecurities and constant pestering that’s the issue.” 

“When you say pictures……what do you mean?” 

“She found some pictures of Y/n. It’s not like I flaunted them in her face or anything.” 

“Well, you could have at least spoken to her. Ah- and I’ve got everything else to deal with. I don’t need Hannah on my back.” Mikasa felt her temple pulse slightly. Whenever she was stressed or annoyed this happened. This was a hard time for them all. The stress of school and Carla’s illness weighed on them all. But it did not give him the right to be so belligerent when it came to others feelings. First it was Y/n, now Hannah. Even if Mikasa had no liking for Hannah, there was pity. She wasn’t sure why Eren and Y/n’s relationship had failed. At first, Mikasa assumed it was Y/n being cold. But it felt so odd. The Y/n she knew was as far from cold as could be. Of course, she could be putting on an act. 

Still, Mikasa couldn’t be sure. As much as she didn’t want to believe it, perhaps it was Eren. Eren had a temper. It led him to be inconsiderate of others, even when he didn’t mean to. Mikasa had seen it many times. Once, Eren had called Armin a parasite for disagreeing with him in an argument. Mikasa had punched him to the ground for that one. 

It seemed this was where Eren’s rage had gotten him. It was hard to believe that both Y/n and Hannah could be in the wrong. 

Eren saw the look on Mikasa’s face. It was about as pleasant as curdled milk.   

“What did I say?!” 

“You do realize this is partly your fault.” Instead of getting angry, he simply goggled at her. 

“What? Hannah is utterly insane! That's not my fault!” She pinched her nose. Lord give her strength. 

“I’m not just talking about her. This whole……issue started because you can’t think about the impact of your actions on anyone else.” There had been times when Mikasa had stepped up. Usually, she was able to just drag Eren away from doing something rash. But this situation was different. Eren couldn’t just walk away this time. 

“How do you think Y/n is feeling?” Eren seemed to curl up in on himself. He didn’t want to think about it. Already acid would boil in his stomach, its claws gnawing at raw flesh. Eren knew he was selfish, had always been that way. Sometimes he wondered why people tolerated him. But there was just something always telling him to fight. He needed control, he needed to fight for what he wanted, no matter what. 

But sometimes it hurt people too. Those around him had suffered for his visions before. He wouldn’t think. One time, he had snapped at a girl named Historia, calling her fake and stupid. She had ran away in tears. 

A girl named Ymir punched him in the nose for that one. He could still remember the blood running down his chin, a metallic taste in his mouth. Right now he could feel it. His mouth felt like it might bleed. It was like after a long hard run and your mouth begging for air. A saliva pooled and it pooled at the bottom. He swallowed, wanting it to go away. Mikasa watched him intently.     

Breathing suddenly became hard. No longer an unconscious decision, now Eren found himself focing his lungs to take in air. The thought of her eyes, like angry cat slits, scared him in a way like no other. Not in the sense that he thought she might hurt him. At least physically. The kind of hurt Eren felt was nothing physical pain could bring. Heck, he felt he could weather any sort of pain. But not the type she brought. E/c eyes peered out at him from the corners of his mind. 

Judging him. 

Hating him. 

Did she hate him? 

“She hates me, doesn't she.” Mikasa was frightened. Just the way he said it. His body seemed to deflate. And for the first time Mikasa found Eren so small. 

And she didn’t know how to answer. 

Her crying could be heard in the darkness. It was the only thing he was conscious of. He reached out. Y/n needed help. And finally he saw her, curled on the ground. He heard his voice call out. She got closer as he ran. Keeping his sight on her, because if he didn’t, she would disappear. 

“Y/n.” His hands came to support her. One hand on her back, the other on the head. He held her to him. And her hand closed in on this throat. 

Eyes opened. Snake eyes. And they held no love.” 

Eren woke up in a cold sweat. And he was crying. 

“And that gets Hannah out of the way.” You said matter of factly. 

“So she just left. Just like that?” Biannca’s mouth was slightly open. Her hand was on a steaming hot mug of tea. 

“Well…… not exactly.” 

The day earlier: 

Silence. The shoes had dropped and everyone was fixed in time. No one dared move. Except their eyes. They either looked at Eren or Hannah.” Even yours were no longer on Armin. Instead, absolutely transfixed, on a wide-eyed Hannah.

“What.” Her voice was a whisper. Hannah’s chest moved up and down rapidly. She seemed to be hyperventilating. All the colour had left her face. The throat was constricting on itself. Carla cautiously made her way over. She seemed to want to touch Hannah, but wasn’t sure. 

A deep gurgling issued from her throat. It took you a moment to realise that she was laughing. Her eyes were blown wide, tears streaming down her pale face. It made you sick. Muscles beneath your throat forced themselves up. 

“Just go. Now.” Eren’s voice was one of barely contained rage. Something between a sob and a shriek emanated from her throat.

 She ran. The rest of you stayed in silence. It was only when Carla wavered slightly and Eren carefully set her down did everyone break into movement. Grisha’s hand clapped to his chin. 

“My God.” 

“Eren, how did she get here?” Zeke turned to Eren. 

“Does it matter?” 

“Yes! Does she have a way home?” 

“Only by my car.” Zeke got up. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Getting Hannah. I’ll be back to pick up Y/n and Armin.” 

“Fine by me. We need to clear off Armin first.” You heaved him to his feet, hand on back. 

“Holy shit.” Biannca’s eyes were the size of saucers. 

“And then Zeke had to run out the door and find her.” 

“Did he?” 

“Yeh. I…. I just can’t believe this is happening.” You sat down, hand against a very warm forehead. It was only now that reality was hitting you. Last night you were so stressed and tired that after Armin had left, you fell asleep. 

A giggle broke past your lips. As bleak as everything was, this was sort of funny. 

“Y/n?” Biannca looked worried. 

“No no. I’m fine. It’s just funny!” Biannca just looked confused. 

“She flaunted their relationship in front of me and he ditched her after less than two months. You know if she hadn’t screwed me over I would actually feel sorry for her.” Well, it was true. Right now your empathy for Hannah was somewhere between zero and negative one. This was an outcome you could only dream of. You hadn’t hoped this would happen, because you felt luck wasn’t on your side. Or maybe luck had nothing to do with it. Either way, it was funny. 

“So I’m guessing that everyone knows now.” 

“I don’t think so.” You replied. 

“Maybe Armin told them?” 

“Don’t think so.” 

“Speaking of Armin, how is he?” The humour was gone. Still seething about Hannah slapping you, it was worse that Armin got hurt. Even if it wasn’t intentional. 

“He’s okay. Still wanna smack Hannah for that one though.” 

You had taken Amrin to the bathroom. Bundling up a handful of kleenex, you held it against his nose. 

“Tilt your head back.” 

“Shanks.” His voice was muffled. You snorted. 

“Heyyy!.” Shaking with laughter, you almost let go. 

“Stop it! You're gonna make me drop it!” For a few moments the two of you stood still. Suddenly Armin snorted. 

“Armin!” You could hear his laughing.          

 Why did the sheets feel so damp? They weren’t wet, you had tried them twice. 

But was this so unusual? As of late everything had felt cold. A hand touched your stomach. 

“Soon.” You thought. It had only recently hit you what this baby might mean. Soon your stomach would expand. You would feel this baby. Pregnant would no longer be just a word. You would feel it. Every turn. Every kick. With a deep sickness in your stomach you rolled over. This was not the kind of sickness you felt in the mornings. It was something much deeper. Eren and Hannah’s break up had been cathartic for you. Unfortunately, it did not solve your heartache. The past still haunted you. And the future was uncertain. It didn’t matter how hard you had worked for the future. 

But you couldn’t just lay here and wait for it. Now was the time for action. Luckily your job as a journalist allowed you to work from home. Your debt from University was almost paid off. It was still not enough. There was still more to do. Your future was still uncertain. 

So you picked up the phone. For the first time in what felt like ages you dialled his number.   

“Y/n?!” He sounded surprised. But you had no time to turn back. 

“Eren, could we meet up at your place? The last time didn’t end very well.” 

“Really! I mean-alright. Of course!” He sounded oddly excited. Good. This would work for your plan. With Hannah out of the way it would be easier. A lump had formed in your chest, but there was no turning back. No road left but the path you needed. Even if all love and affection were gone.   

“Do you want me to pick you up?” 

“Sure. See you then.” 

Eren’s heart was thundering in his chest. When Y/n got out he covered his ears. She was dressed in a cute, overlarge pink sweater and skinny jeans. It reminded him of the mornings when he rested his head on her chest. Eren would shut his eyes, allowing her to put him to sleep. And as sleep would take over, his lips ghosted along her neck. 

Right now it was bare.  

Eren’s place looked so different. In your mind you had always pictured it with your things. Once a black coat with faux fur hung from the coat racks. Now you saw a red once. Some things you recognized as hers lay around. She had certainly made herself comfortable. 

“Is Hannah still living with you?” 

“No. She’s with her parents.” 

“Then why is her stuff still here?” 

“She just needs time?” You gave Eren a cold smile. 

“Well, I guess you are not serious about it.” Eren gave you a curious look. 

“Too bad I didn’t get the same courtesy.” With the same unkind smirk on your face, you took a seat. 

“Well?” Nervously, Eren took a seat. 

“I believe we need to rethink this arrangement about the baby. I think we should just do it at my place.” 

“How come?!”

“Because your girlfriend attacked me last time. I do not feel comfortable with her possibly interfering with the baby's life.” It made perfect sense. Hannah didn’t know where you currently lived. You had always met on neutral ground, aka Eren’s parents place. 

Eren’s hand grasped yours. Immediately you jerked yours away. He had the audacity to look hurt. 

“It won’t be so bad. I plan to move closer to where you live. It will be easier that way. Also, I want to meet with a lawyer to discuss child support. I’m thinking we can come to an agreement. When the baby reaches two we can switch to part time, meaning you won’t have to pay child support.” 

“Why do we need a lawyer? Can’t we discuss this ourselves. If it makes you feel better we can have my parents there.” Your eyes hardened. 

“I won’t be taking chances. Thanks.” 

Something in him died when you said that. She was as distant from him as if they lived in different countries. The worst bit was he didn’t even blame her. How had he not seen her eyes lose their light through these months. And if he was the reason that light never came back; 

He would never forgive himself.   

“I won’t be taking chances. Thanks.” His hands shook. He was cold even though the heater was on. He looked into her eyes and saw those slits. She wasn’t just out of love. There was real hatred in her eyes. He couldn’t take it. 

So as Y/n walked to the door he grabbed her arm. 

“Hey!” Eren let go and placed his hands onto her hips. She looked down, not even meeting his eyes. His hand came up and stroked her hair. Just as he had before everything went to hell. On instinct he drew her closer. Their chests touched and he felt her breath against his throat. He didn’t want to let either of them go. Was she lost to him forever? 

Or maybe there was still a chance. 

“Y/n…..move in with me.”  

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[andysorbit]

I wanna ask, from a parents perspective is having kids young worth it?? I turn 25 soon and have been thinking about having kids before 30, it started recently as all my friends have kids already and it feels like I'm missing out on something. I have a great partner and a few cats but we both still feel that....void i guess?? Do you wish you had your daughter at an older age??

okay baby listen everyone is different and parenthood might work for you and it might not but I'm gonna talk to you right now about all of the reasons why I regret not waiting. this will be kinda long.

I was 23 when I got pregnant, 24 when my daughter was born. it was not planned and I barely knew the guy. like he was literally just a sneaky link and we both have a breeding kink so 1+1 = 3 in this case. I was already knocked up by our 3rd date (yes it's that bad but hey I fucked around and found out)

I was in a bad place when I met him (sad girl with daddy issues whose daddy just died that's a whole different side story tbh it never ends) and I deserved better but I was honestly just happy that someone was giving me attention. plus his dick was huge and he knew how to use it so it was like "maybe I can change him. maybe he'll realize I'm worth loving." again daddy issues.

now you're probably wondering why I'm oversharing all of this but it's gonna make sense by the time we come back full circle. I promise.

things went south after i got pregnant and in order to protect myself and my wee lil dew drop, I ghosted his ass.

so now pregnancy alone is its own little monster. my body changed a lot. I gained so much fkn weight that I didn't realize that I wasn't as big as i thought I was. my face shape is different (lowkey to the point where I don't even look at old photos because it will ruin my entire day and I will cry) my bladder is fucked. I went from a c cup to a triple d cup so bra shopping is hell, my back hurts most days from the sheer weight of having big tiddies and I truly hate them

now as far everything else, your time will never be yours again. any parent worth their salt is gonna catch some hell. I have anxiety so a lot of my time is spent wondering if I'm going to outlive her. my dad used to say that even when your kids grow up, you'll be wondering if something bad might happen to them that you could've prevented.

now I have a daughter and men are scary enough so like... yeah.

now I had my daughter in the middle of the pandemic. that paired with my anxiety, trauma from what her father put us both through, and my poor decision to use her as comfort instead of going to therapy made her clingy.

your mental health matters so much and of course none of us are perfect and mental health shouldn't completely dictate whether or not you become a parent but you need to be self aware and honest with yourself or you'll fuck that kid up and fuck yourself over. my daughter is clingy as fuck and even now, if I can get a half hour alone, I'm lucky.

I have adhd and I'm bad with time and organization so keeping on top of the house and getting to places on time is hard as hell. I also lost my social skills during the pandemic so if you struggle around people, remember you're gonna have to socialize your kid and for me, that's hard. don't like doctors appointments? You're gonna have to deal with it. don't like going out? get used to it. even down to small talk with random fkn people who think your kid is cute- get ready. I literally had a whole ass chat with some random lady on the train the other day because she thought my daughter was cute so we chatted about her grandkids. random chats with random people are inevitable and will happen sometimes multiple times a fkn day.

now as far as having a second parent, I can't tell you about that. I absolutely do wish I had her father around but I also wish I could trust him enough to share this beautiful chaos. since I can't, I have to do it alone. I have my village but a village can only do so much and the village can't ever truly fill that void.

now I think communication is important for you and your partner. you both need to do it for you. if you have family pressuring you, ignore them. don't let them pressure you into making such a big and final decision. you're bringing a life into the world, not putting up a Christmas tree.

out of my friend group, only one of my friends has a child and she felt like she was missing out because picture of my daughter gave her baby fever. she also has some regrets.

you and your partner need to really talk about that void you feel because a baby will not fill it. figure out where that emptiness is coming from and work on fixing it because a baby is going to feel great and make you proud and all of that but at the end of the day, that baby is a shitting, burping, farting, helpless little human that has their own destiny. their job isn't to fill that void. their job is to grow and thrive while you pour into them. you'll never fill a void when you're pouring into that child's life.

parenthood is beautiful. hearing my daughter tell me she loves me, cuddling her, hearing her pronounce words wrong, watching her eyes light up over things she likes- the list is infinite. the love is infinite but before you both take that leap, you need make sure you're happy with yourselves, happy with the changes that will come, and ultimately happy with the chaos because even with this long ass tangent I'm going on, there's still so much more beauty and madness and hard times. some days I love being a mom and I couldn't imagine being anything else. some days, I wish I wasn't a mom and I envy parents who just walk out and never look back.

I think I'm learning to just be in each moment but if you need any more help or someone to talk to, I'm here for you. I'm a huge believer that not everyone deserves children and a lot of the time I think I'm one of those people because I'll never be able to look my daughter in her face and honestly tell her that she was planned and that those were happy tears when I found out my pregnancy test was positive. I think I've redeemed myself? who knows maybe not but I feel like Gru and she's my little Agnes.

[loveandscience]

been in and out of intense anxiety the last couple days, so maybe writing it here will help

Okay so my old dentist who I loved retired, and gave his practice over to a new guy. Tuesday, I went to try out the new dentist and very loudly in the next room while I had my teeth cleaned, he was telling someone how they didn't need a crown or something because God designed the perfect teeth system?????

And as soon as he introduces himself to me, he out of the blue goes on about a "beautiful sermon I heard" on the way to work, and how this really ill woman had so much faith that she would just get better, and that she "touched Jesus" and was instantly healed. I'm sitting there with his sharp tools in my mouth and he's going on a religious rant and what the fuck am I going to do? He does tell me I have 2 cavities, then overcharges me for the cleaning and "exam."

Decided I really needed a new fucking dentist, and thankfully my friends suggested some to try. So Wednesday, I called a place and they got me in, and they were so nice and professional and I really liked them! They did another exam on me and apparently the last dentist (maybe the one before, too) had missed an entire fucking dead tooth???? It's been discolored for years but old dentist never thought it was an issue... Apparently it's dead and needs a root canal. Who the fuck knows how long it's been dead. Terrifying. Also they say it's 3 cavities not 2.

Anxious about the root canal, I've never had one, and it's so expensive. The same day I have my root canal, I also am driving somewhere I've never been an hour away to see my new liver doctor, and that's also terrifying.

On top of those expenses, I'm hoping to sign kiddo up for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu lessons bc I think it'll be really good for them and they are really interested.

But I've also had several clients transition to every other week or end, which is good they're doing better. I also have less income though so need to market again for new clients. Husband was planning to increase his income by taking classes paid for by work, but the classes are taking so long that I wouldn't be surprised if it takes all year, which is not what we'd hoped for a timeline.

Pet Day at kiddo's school is coming up and last year's Pet Day, we brought our cat who ended up dying shortly after. He had cancer which obviously wasn't caused by Pet Day, but I do think he picked up a virus which might have exacerbated the cancer. I'm planning to make sure every kid sanitizes their hands before touching the cat we bring this time, and bringing the young healthy one instead of the old frail one. Still some anxiety.

Wanted to take kiddo to this snow place in FL this weekend, but tickets plus parking are 100 dollars, yikes. So been incredibly anxious about that. Just before clicking buy I checked and it's supposed to be thunderstorms that day, so texted the friend we were planning to go with and hoping we can put that off... Really anxious they might have already bought tickets even though they said they'd wait til after I bought ours (maybe they could pick up on my anxiety around committing, idk).

So the common theme, laying these all out, seems to be financial. Which is sad, because I wanted to scale back on work and be able to rest more and focus on my health, but with husband not likely to be making much more money any time soon, it means I need to work more hours. Which is hard with the amount of dr appointments I'm going to have to be having.

At least... I got a little while of getting to work out almost daily and rest up.

[pekofskyinparadise]

everyday is a winding road

Well, a horoscope told me I should put my voice out there this week, so here we are.

I actually woke up in a decent mood today for what feels like the first time in a while. I've had what feels like a neverending carousel of random, mostly annoying and not life-threatening medical issues, but as they pile up, regardless of their severity, they've been grating on my ability to be very positive in general. It's absolutely exhausting to be uncomfortable for an extended period of time, and not to have a resolution in sight yet, and to have to use leave from work on doctor visits that feel like a waste of time... at times, it's felt a little hopeless.

Luckily though, that feeling hasn't lasted. I do have hope that there is a resolution for my issues. My track record for getting through them is 100%. My hip issue that I've been going to the chiropractor for has hurt less the past couple of weeks than it has in months. I have a path forward. I have health insurance. I have money. I have time. I absolutely pick my problems over what so many people go through. But that doesn't mean I don't have them, and they don't matter. Perspective is important, but so is allowing ourselves to feel our feelings and say hey, this really sucks.

Feeling kind of stuck has definitely also led me to put some time toward my 5 things I want to do more of in 2023: exercise, play guitar, read, write, and spend time outside. I'm pretty sure that each day of this month, I've done at least one of these things (although I haven't kept track) and these things always make me feel just a little bit better. Having a good cry about it sometimes helps too. And just focusing on that tiny pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel, and knowing that each annoying doctor's appointment and phone call is helping to get a little bit closer to feeling fine (Sheryl Crow, anyone?)

Also, I'm pretty sure the main reason I got out of bed this morning was because I had "Kick the Blues" by Larkin Poe stuck in my head, so I highly recommend it if you need a little motivation to move your body and feel good, even if it's just for a few minutes. Plus, today's the last day of January, and January's been rough, so it feels like maybe the end of it might bring something good. On to brighter days. Kickin' the blues.

[angelic-apple]

So you lived online for nearly a decade getting radicalized by a hate group that colonized radfem. You get that all women forward gains by radfem were in the trans inclusive era right? And nothing but wasting time/money/resources has come out of terf radfem since? Well aside from an ever growing right political lean and alliances. I mean 7 years you can't have been in the terf bubble the whole time.

This is a long one so TL;DR at the end!

TW; self harm & suicide mentions

1) I've always been in hyper-progressive leftist spaces until less than 6 months ago and spent my entire isolation thinking I was trans. I wore a binder so much I now have rib and back pains regularly and my boobs sag. I presented myself as a man fully, and it made me so depressed I relapsed back to selfharm, something I had managed to keep at bay for almost two years and was very proud of because it was Hard. The more masc I presented the worse it got, because I looked more and more like a stranger to myself and I mistook that as dysphoria and spiraled even more. I can't wear comfortable t-shirts outside anymore in the heat because people will see my scars which is triggering to me. My self harm destroyed family relationships permanently. I cried a lot and was so miserable I had set plans to kill myself with booze and meds. If my country didn't have such strick firearm laws I would've just gotten a gun though.

I thought I was trans because I was a semi gnc woman with severe body dysmorphia who felt like a person rather than a stereotypical woman, and being a woman was meant to be a specific feeling I did not have. And every time I questioned myself and if transness was right for me I got bombed with affirmations that "being unsure is normal, you don't need xyz to be trans anyway, if you question your gender at all it probably means you aren't cis!" etc.

After I entered recovery and began to be around normal people in real life I quickly realized I was not a man and dropped the label quickly. I felt better as a result and I've been clean off self harm for over two years now. I love myself and my anatomy, something I wanted to cut off from myself so bad I wanted to die.

But when I finally stopped and told my friends I was wrong and that I'm a woman after all, I only had one friend who said "Okay!". The rest avoided it and continued to use he/they pronouns for me and refused to use my birthname instead of my trans name until recently. I felt rejected by people who had been my lifeline for years and like I had betrayed my peers.

Despite this I think being trans is a real thing. Some people do need to transition. I know many and they have done so and I am happy for them. I do not want transitioning to be inaccessible or eradicated.

I think trans healthcare should be improved actually. It needs to be able to handle more patients than it does now. It's cruel to make people wait for years for healthcare and then not be offered proper help but to be processed in and out in as few sessions as possible that are also months apart. Trans treatment should include long-term therapy, multiple appointments, screenings and regular check-ins during transition. This is not gatekeeping btw. I am unable to gatekeep anyone because I am not a doctor. Plus Idk why it's such a sin to wish proper healthcare for a group of people. Hormones are not a magical medicine and transitioning will not fix the other mental health issues you may have, only ease the load of constant stress coming in and that's only if transitioning is actually right for you. Taking someone's claims of their mental health at face value is not always helpful nor good for them. I've been at both ends, so i know it's a hard pill to swallow though.

2) I don't understand your need to mush feminism, lgb- and trans activism together into a single group. Women, ssa and trans folk all have very specific needs that do not intertwine a lot of the times. It's not exclusionary to want to keep the movements separate so each one can focus on what they need instead of pushing everyone together causing constant infighting about what goals to pursue. Nothing will change without active, large scale group efforts and any attempt for anyone to organise right now gets torn apart from the inside because of topic-unrelated disagreements. Which then again makes it easier for right leaning people to organise without a lash back and push discriminatory legislations forward while we're too busy arguing amongst ourselves. It also creates an unwelcoming environment for those who might want to join our movements, which kind of pales in the comparison to political groups on the right who often lovebomb you and seem overly welcoming so it's easier for them to gain more members.

You can be gay, a feminist and trans, still belong in all three groups and practice activism to better the lives of all these minorities separately.

That being said collaborative efforts should be made to improve the quality of life for all, but primary focus of each activist group should still remain issues affecting the specific minority the group is made for. I say this because in the current climate trans rights activism expects unconditional support from every other minority group with little to no help in return from what I've seen, but instead constantly inserting themselves in discussions for other minority rights conversations as well and expect to be patted on the back for it :/

3) I'm not trans exclusionary. I just believe in radical feminism ideologies and think bio sex is real and that I am oppressed for it. The current gender narrative has personally hurt me and due to radblr I was able to meet many other women who experienced the same thing and I feel refreshed because I can actually be myself here and say what I think.

A group of women disagreeing with you online =/= hateful systematic oppression. Blame the rich old white men running the world for that one like the rest of us.

TL;DR - I thought I was trans for a long time, I am a radfem because the current gender ideology hurt me personally. I still think being trans is real and think trans healthcare should be improved. I don't think wanting to keep specific political movements for specific minorities is exclusionary, it's keeping goals clear and making it easier to organise instead of constant infighting, which makes it easier for right wingers to organise and recruit more members im return. You can belong in multiple minorities and activist groups without having to join them all together.

[bortbytingen]

I'm currently suffering from Autistic Burnout and I've been trying what I can to get some kind of support for months. I wasn't sure if I should write anything about this here, but decided that I need to word some of my frustrations with being sent around and no one really willing (or able) to help.

26 Sep 2023 - Medicine review at my Community Mental Health Team (I'm diagnosed with autism, adhd and ptsd, and take adhd medications). This was my first time to this specific CMHT, so the doctor went through a questionnaire. While there, I mentioned to him that I've had many bad experiences in the past and that it takes a lot for me to open up. The doctor apologises and hopes I'll find it better here. When the question comes about hurting myself or self-termination, I'm honest and tell him about my exhaustion, decline in abilities and that I've had "dissociative walks" (I walk around and I'm aware, but also not, I don't feel anything and I can't control where I'm going and so on. I usually can't speak then either) and that one of them almost ended with me jumping off a cliff. To this, he just hummed and then continued with other questions. This plus some other things didn't make me feel very seen or listened to.

28 Sep 2023 - Appointment at my GP surgery to ask for help and get a sick note. The GP I met was great and seemed to understand me. She was the first one ever thanking me for giving her a letter and didn't mind written communication or my way of experience emotions in colours. I got a sick note and a date for a follow up appointment.

12 Oct 2023 - Follow up appointment. The GP I met was sick and I got to see another who literally made me cry. He might be good with other things, but he absolutely do not know how to handle autistic people with mental health issues.

16 Nov 2023 - Appointment with my GP surgery's Mental Health Nurse. The meeting in itself was ok. Got a referral to the Primary Mental Health Support Services and to some course by Mind. I was supposed to get an email with link and notes of what we had talked about, but I never did (and yes, I checked spam and that they have the right email address).

3 Jan 2024 - Triage appointment at Primary Mental Health Support Services (PMHSS). They are a resource aid and doesn't have any support themselves, but the triage nurse at least acknowledge that autistic people require adapted support and adapted therapy for it to work and not risk being harmful (first time someone ever admitted that to me). I later got a letter that summarised the meeting and with links to help: online CBT, online self-help resources and contact details to the Integrated Autism Services. Online CBT: My symptoms is too severe to be accepted and I was told to contact my GP for more correct support (so back to square one). Online self-help resources: Very basic. Nothing new and nothing geared towards autism. NHS Autism Services: Eventually e-mailed them, although they seem to prefer phone calls, which I'm unable to make. Another Autism Service: I've contacted them before and they never answered.

23 Jan 2024 - Meeting with Mind. They were uncertain what to do help me, so the person I met wanted to talk to their supervisor and then we'd meet the next week. Due to me later realising I already had two big meetings that week, I emailed and asked if we could rebook that appointment. I still haven't received and answer from them.

20 Feb 2024 - Got an email from the NHS based Autism Services (AS) and all it contained was links to National Autistic Society and to their own website. Both being places I've checked several times before.

As of today, 21 Feb 2024, I still haven't received any actual support. I have no one that can help me. I've tried to find an advocate, but have so far not succeeded. All that has happened is that I feel completely ignored and unseen, and I seem to keep having a decline in my life skill abilities as well as my abilities to speak. I live with a friend, but she isn't doing well herself and can't join me for meetings due to her working, but she does make phone calls for me now and then. Unfortunately, our relationship is a bit strained atm due to her new roommate (a friend of hers) that I don't get along with. AS was basically my last hope and that didn't go exactly well, so now I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't even know if I have energy to proceed at all anyway.

[tabbyclaw]

I've been doing these "year's end/year's beginning" posts for a couple years now, so let's keep that rolling.

First off, I didn't finish anywhere near as much writing as I hoped I would this year. I did get some of it out there! Obviously the center of attention was (Hung)over Land, Over Sea (still working on the last part of that trilogy, I promise), and I did three fics across two exchanges (Little Wonders (Oxventure BitD), Check and Mates (BBC Ghosts), and Trade Secret (Megamind)), plus that little Drakken/Shego minific I only posted here. Which is not nothing, and especially the 32k-word fic for a fandom I've never published anything in is not nothing, but it's still disappointing to look at last year's post and realize how little of it came to fruition. My list of things I want to write in 2024 is basically the same as my list of things I wanted to write in 2023. Some of that was just things always being harder than I wish they were, but some of it was also because 2023 was... difficult.

There's some health stuff under the readmore, both mental and physical. It's not super heavy and I don't go into detail, but if you'd rather not read about it I'll say the most important part upfront, which is that I'm basically fine and nobody needs to be particularly worried about me.

Back in April, I said in the tags of my birthday cake post that my body's birthday gift to me was "Symptoms." I was deliberately vague about that, because the symptoms in this case weren't "I think I might have covid," they were "I think I might have cancer." I did not, ultimately, have cancer, but there were multiple tests spread out over a couple months before everyone was sure of that. And the thing that wasn't cancer was still an unwelcome growth that was causing problems and had a very slim chance of deciding to become cancer later in my life, so I still had surgery at the end of August to have it removed. First time I've had surgery! First time I've even been admitted to a hospital. It went fine and I was back on my feet within a couple days, but that was six months where that was constantly in the back of my mind. And it brought a lot more stuff to the front of my mind, and also the rest of my mind.

Thing is, when you've got a medical issue that's going to involve a lot of other doctors you need a primary care physician to be a point of contact for all of it. Which I didn't have, and hadn't had for a good 15 years, and I am eternally grateful to the Urgent Care doctor who pulled some strings to get me established with one. So I went to a new-patient appointment, and after looking at my answers on the intake questionnaires and talking to me for about ten minutes my new GP was already writing me a prescription for antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication and giving me referrals for yet more tests that confirmed a lot of things and explained a few others. The end result of this isn't actually an end result because everything is still constantly being fine-tuned and there are a few issues I haven't even started to address, but what it all comes down to right now is that I'm taking a significant amount of medication for various conditions and it's... sort of working? Some of it? It's hard to tell so far. But it's all definitely having an effect, and part of that is that there have been a lot of days lately where it's much, much harder to make myself sit down and write. This is not 'antidepressants are killing my creativity,' this is 'there is an ongoing restructuring happening in my head and I can't make all the committees work together on everything yet.' It will hopefully quiet down as other things get sorted (and if it doesn't I will make noise about it to my doctor), but for right now I'm just doing my best. And hopefully in 2024 my best will be better than it's been.

[clockworksteel]

End of the year evaluation/new goals

Well, it's the end of the year again. Honestly, it's been a rough one. There was work stress associated with being trained on a software framework that was new to me (React) in a language I've done little in (Javascript), there was a Return to Office policy at work, and my housemate's health issues resulted in a number of emergency trips, some of which required either pickup or dropoff at 1 AM. Much vacation time was burned either recovering or actually making trips to doctors and the ER. Plus there were all the things that I already mentioned happened in January like needing to maintain my water heater and get a warranty repair done on a recliner.

Still, despite the quality of the year, some progress was made on some things. Looking at last year's post on goals there were 5 things I mentioned, although one was just "Skincare?". To briefly summarize, the others were:

Continue considering gender

Learn to cook

Add physical therapy exercises to my exercise

Improve my Youtube audio

In terms of gender stuff, this the year I first tried on a dress (no image in that post, and also I now own two), and also the year I started getting permanent hair removal done (although electrolysis is a slow process and in 4 months of sessions we're still just on the lower part of the neck). I've also had a number of dreams in which I'm transfem which is interesting. They seem to come in bursts. I had 3 in the first two weeks of this month, actually. I haven't made as much progress as I'd like, but this certainly wasn't neglected, despite never feeling like I reclaimed the spirit of possibility like I had near the end of 2022.

As far as cooking, we actually did Hello Fresh for the full duration of a discout code, with me being the primary thing-doer once a week. I certainly relied a lot on my housemate's expertise even though the days were theoretically "mine", but I feel like even just practicing some knife skills was valuable for cooking confidence. Plus I cooked chicken without poisoning anyone. There are currently plans for me to continue cooking on Saturdays (as in actually cooking at least one thing: I also handle the Friday and Sunday meals but it's all frozen stuff). Since my housemate is on a lower sodium diet (probably good for me too), actually cooking things sort of has to be a habit for at least some of the days.

Regarding exercise, this is probably the one area I got worse. I am at least making sure to do some of my old physical therapy exercises just enough that it feels like my shoulder isn't getting worse, but the entire rest of my exercise routine dropped off. It's been an exhausting year, and the way the electrolysis appointments routinely wipe out a few hours every Saturday isn't helping with finding time for things.

On the subject of my Youtube videos' audio I didn't do much, but it wasn't that much of a problem. I think my volume levels between the game sound and the microphone sound have been generally better balanced this year than in the past. That's pretty much all I wanted.

For skincare… well, I do more than last year, but don't have much of a routine. An area that could be improved but honestly I just don't think I care that much and this will not be a goal for next year.

Besides the goals I wrote out last year, some other accomplishments of varying sizes: -Actually got my heating system inspected like I should have been doing routinely -Fixed the slow-draining issue in the shower drain -Got back into Challenge Enthusiasts and earned a little over 200 challenge points, putting me not only in the C ranking but well on my way to B -Beat New Game Plus 100 in Rogue Legacy 2 as well as earned a gold trophy in its True Rogue mode

For next year, let's call these the goals:

Have some sort of exercise habit again, ideally with at least one cardio day and at least one physical therapy stuff day

Take care of at least one longstanding thing in the house: the porch needs painted, the attic could use some blinds to keep the sun out in the summer (probably more effective than insulating, and I already bought the blinds), and the back door could use a new auto-closer (again, already bought)

Clear the stacks of papers from my desk without simply increasing the amount of papers in my room (that is, things should be filed in the cabinet or disposed of)

Make some more progress on gender stuff, like try a couple more new things or at least spend some time seriously considering things

Earn at least 100 more Challenge Enthusiasts points

Finish Factorio and at least one other game that I haven't played in over 4 months

A longer numbered list than last year but two of them are "play video games" goals. It's more like both this list and last year's had a length of 4.

At any rate, hopefully we all have better luck next year.

[heyitssashag]

Happy Summer Solstice!

It’s been a busy few days and I’m tired.

I got my Zoladex shot in the gut, today. Ouch. 💉 it is one big-ass needle.

I saw the pain clinic at the Cancer Agency as well. There’s no other pain medication left for me to try except methadone. It lasts 8+ hours in the system. So if I got a reaction, I’d have to wait the whole day for it to leave my body. I dunno - this just seems really scary to me. However, if my pain doesn’t subside soon, I’ll have to reconsider but for now - nopety, nope, nope, nope. 👎🏻 Instead, I’ll just continue to take lots of breaks and pace myself. Maybe I’ll start smoking weed, again. It’s been a few months. lol.

The pain clinic did tell me I can try the Celebrex, again. This is an anti-inflammatory. Unfortunately, in my case, it could cause internal bleeding and kidney functioning issues so I have to take it with food and drink lots of water. I would take it sparingly, though. I don’t think taking it a few times a month is going to be an issue. (I’ll save it for the days where I need to be more active.) However, I’m going to still err on the side of caution and try it on my “off” week from the Ibrance (which I take 3 weeks on, 1 week off). I finish up my cycle this Sunday so I’ll try the Celebrex on the following Saturday after the Ibrance has cleared the system and I’ve got my lab work back. This way, I can ensure my kidneys are functioning fine, too. Before I try anything, it’s probably smart to make sure they’re still working well. (Plus, as of today, I haven’t had any blood work for 6 weeks.) Another thing about anti-inflammatories is that they hinder bone healing so it’s not generally recommended after any sort of surgery (that effects the bone).

I probably sound really neurotic and overly cautious but I’ve found that it’s so much easier to prevent a health problem than trying to fix it later. I don’t blindly take medication from doctors anymore. Being in pain 24/7 isn’t good but neither is taking drugs that can cause your intestines to disintegrate. Sometimes we’ve got to make the decision of who’s the lesser evil (much like politics.)

The kid didn’t have school today so they accompanied me to my appointments which was nice.

After my appointments, my parents picked us up and took us for dinner. It felt good to get out today even if it was just for medical crap. I even put makeup on again and did my hair. Twice in one week. Crazy. lol.

My mood has still been pretty low. It doesn’t help when crappy things happen. I’m worried about my cousin who is almost 4 years younger than me and has cirrhosis of the liver. He has to go in regularly to get his abdomen drained from the fluid build up. The last few days he’s been very sick and vomiting black (blood). He keeps brushing his symptoms off like they’re nothing but on the same hand goes on about how much weight he’s lost and keeps passing out randomly. When I saw him in April, he just got out of hospital and looked jaundice. Then he talks about going back to work which is infuriating. His parents, I think, are feeling helpless on how to help him. Him and I used to be really close and were roommates in our 20’s. Unfortunately, he ended up getting really bad psoriasis due to a few stressful events and went on some heavy medications to treat it. He’s been on a lot over the past dozen years. Apparently, those drugs are very hard on the liver. We suspect they’re the major cause to his liver cirrhosis. I’m really sad for his future.

The cleaning organization that was supposed to start coming this week postponed for the next 6-8 weeks due to staffing shortage. Boo.

I did see my counsellor, yesterday. I feel like I’m walking around with a black cloud over my head a lot of the time. So, I’m trying to find little things that are enjoyable for me to look forward to. For example: I signed up for a writing class later next month. I also made an appointment for a session with the music therapist next week. Hopefully, I can fill my schedule with 2 or 3 things a week that bring joy and don’t require much work. Even if it’s just a walk to the cafe.

[msbarrows]

Another day I'm counting as a walk - #72 - despite most of it being sitting or standing around waiting.

Another doctor's appointment, this time to see a rheumatoid arthritis specialist at Sunnybrook about my fallen right foot (and the possibly related slight tingling in outer edge of left hand and loss of grip strength in same).

Well, the doctor and their student are fairly sure that whatever is causing it is not, in fact, in their area of specialty, but ordered a pile of blood tests and a full set of hand-wrist-foot-ankle x-rays to confirm and to give them additional leads. They're including the hands and wrists because they felt I was missing muscle mass in both hands compared to what they expected to see there, plus the loss of grip strength and tingling. They also referred me for an MRI later this fall, since whatever might be causing the problem may be a soft tissue issue.

I didn't even have to mention that the MRI would need to be back up north, they'd figured that out from my address, and are forwarding it directly to Health Sciences North in Sudbury. Hopefully from all of that they'll be able to narrow down what kind of specialist to get me a subsequent referral for; apparently the doctor also is intrigued enough by whatever odd thing is going on in the foot to ask me to give the two of them a call after the MRI is eventually done, presumably so they can take a look at it too. Their best guess at the moment is that it might be a "neuropathic joint" related to a combination of the peripheral neuropathy I had from severe foot infection 20 years back, plus a decade+ of untreated Type II diabetes worsening the neuropathy. They've also set up a referral to an endocrinologist up north to take a closer look into whatever my diabetes has been up to.

One nice thing, since they were getting blood work done, and I had the blood work order from the walk-in clinic doctor on hand, who I think they said has privileges at the same hospital, they just added what he wanted done onto what they wanted done so I could get all of it handled in one go. Yay for one less stop I had to make today, and being able to get it all done at the hospital rather than having to travel to a separate blood lab for separate draws. Many x-rays of my extremities were taken, many tubes of my blood were drawn, after which I treated myself to a giant cookie and a coffee at the hospital cafeteria before heading out.

...and then did some shopping before I went back to the nephew's place, since the hospital bus left me off at a subway station one stop away from a Kitchen Stuff+ store. Sadly they didn't carry the main thing I was after (pasta drying rack and ravioli mould to go with the pasta roller attachment I bought for my KitchenAid) but I did grab a small pile of assorted kitchen implements I wanted, like a proper offset spatula, dough scraper, small tongs, a water bottle cleaning set, and so forth.

And then once I finally got back to the house I napped, because all of that was tiring.